Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map (2014) Movie Script
Five continents.
12 countries.
19 cities.
50,000 miles.
Five characters.
One dead terrorist.
We're all over the map.
Hey, guys.
I just completed the longest
and biggest tour I've ever been
on, and I couldn't have done
it without my wife Audrey,
who's travelled everywhere, or
without my friend Jeff Rothpan,
who's never traveled further
than his own mailbox.
Was I little concerned about
doing shows in the Far East,
and Africa, and the Middle East?
No, I was a lot concerned.
But the adventures
all began in Iceland.
Walt, I'm just impressed
that all these folks
came out for our show tonight?
Well, don't be?
Why?
Well, it's Iceland.
It's not you or us.
There's nothing else to do here.
- You know that Iceland has
one of the highest life
expectancies in
the entire world?
I did not know that.
Especially women.
Yeah?
- Yeah, here a woman's
average lifespan
and is 90 to 100 years.
Send my wife home immediately.
What is this?
Hell on earth?
How do you like the food here?
Oh, very funny.
I tried some of that...
what do you called that?
Hakharl hacaral hakaral.
You cannot speak Icelandic
without moving your lips,
I'm telling you.
Think of that.
There's no Icelandic
ventriloquist ever.
I will say, though, I think the
folks of Iceland are geniuses.
How's that?
- They know how to
keep it from getting
overcrowded with foreigners.
How's that?
- Simply by naming
the place Iceland.
It sounds like you'll
freeze your ass off.
Plus it's easier to say than
the dark long winter land
where the weather is.
We're morons for naming our
country the United States.
Sounds way too welcoming.
We should've called our country
crazy assholes with guns.
- Did you get a chance
to go to a volcano?
Oh, yes I did.
Did you take your wife?
Yes, I did.
What'd she think?
- She kept saying the
same thing over and over.
What?
Stop trying to push me in.
- Did you know that every
single city in Iceland
is named after the
sound a cat makes
when throwing up a hair ball?
I learned that.
That's not true.
Oh?
Reygoovableh.
There it is.
- Even though it's
named Iceland, did you
know the winters here
are actually fairly mild?
No.
Mm-hm.
Oh.
Guess they should
have called it Chile.
- Have you seen the colors
of the Icelandic flag?
Uh, no, I haven't seen it.
- There's red for
the volcanic fires.
Oh, that's good.
- Blue for the mountains
in the distance.
Yeah.
And white...
For the people.
- OK, did you know they have
the oldest tree in Norway
right here in Bergen.
Fascinating.
If I want to see them old
wood, I'll take a Viagra.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Did you know the first ever
ski jumper was from Norway?
- Let me guess,
married and miserable?
- So you've never
been snow skiing?
Actually, yes, once.
Broke a leg.
Oh, I bet that hurt.
I don't know.
Wasn't my leg.
- Do you know where I can buy
some whiskey around here?
- Well, in Norway you
can only buy liquor
from special stores
called, uh, good god.
Vin... how do you say it?
Yeah, that.
- There are none... nur
none hur dun nur dun.
- So we've done a lot
of interesting things
while in Norway.
This morning I milked a goat.
Oh?
Achmed got mad at me.
I think I was
touching his chick.
So while we're here.
- Wait, I want to
ask you something.
Can we go to Ikea?
This is Norway.
Ikea is in Sweden.
Oh, too bad.
I wanted to give Ikea a
new advertising slogan.
And what's that?
I- keel-you.
- So Achmed, did you know the
biathlon is popular here?
What is this biathlon?
It's where you ski
and shoot a gun.
Oh!
Yes, of course.
But in Los Angeles, you
drive and shoot a gun.
- I also learned today that
the Vikings put their dead
on a boat and sent
them out to sea.
Yes, of course.
The first Norwegian Cruise Line.
- So have you learned much about
Ireland since we got here?
- I'd say Americans and the
Irish pretty much think alike.
How's that?
- Most of us think our government
should take flying leap.
- Well, besides politics, did
you know that Bram Stoker who
created Dracula is from Dublin?
Oh really?
No, Dracula.
Dracula?
You mean the guy who sleeps
all day, goes out every night,
and can't stop drinking?
Wonder where Stoker
got that idea?
I once picked up an
Irish hitchhiker.
You did?
Yeah.
Where was he going?
Rehab.
Seems like he was Irish.
You're not saying anything.
No, but they can understand me.
- So what do you think
about Dublin so far?
- Oh, duh, dur, uh, this
is the land of beer.
That's right.
- I know we're going
to Israel soon,
but while we've
been here in Dublin,
I've seen pubs
everywhere, so I'm
pretty sure this
is the Holy Land.
And this is the biggest
alcoholics anonymous meeting
I've ever been to.
I have a joke.
All right.
- What do you call
women in Ireland?
I don't know.
What do you call
women in Ireland?
- You call them women,
you chauvinist bastard.
- We landed in Belfast the
other day, and I'm like what?
Belfast?
Am I here for a job interview.
I love Dublin.
I would never do
anything evil to Dublin.
Really?
I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
But have you looked
at this audience?
Yes.
Closely.
When the lights are out?
Yes.
- I am made entirely
out of bone and teeth,
and my color actually blends in.
- All right, Achmed, look, as
everybody was coming tonight,
they were given an opportunity
or two to ask you a question.
Yes.
- And everybody wrote them
down, and before the show
we grabbed a handful, and I
think you should answer them?
Okie dokie.
- Dear Achmed, does Guinness
go right through you?
You asshole!
Yes!
And so does potatoes...
Corned beef and
sunlight.
- Isn't England where
Mary Poppins is from.
It took place in London.
Oh yeah, OK.
Yeah.
You know, I dated
her for a while.
You dated Mary Poppins?
Yes, I did.
No.
Yeah, I did.
We were very young.
Oh really?
- I was the first guy to get
into her chim chim cher-ee.
Kinda ruined things when
in the moment of passion
she started screaming
some weird word.
It was like super
California refrigerator
x the delicious lotion.
Something like that.
- Uh, I love this country
because just about everything
is double entendre.
Like what?
Oh, come on.
Even the food.
Bangers and mash?
Come on!
That's sausages and potatoes.
- It sounds more like
a male dance team.
Or two guys dating.
I don't want to be
mash, all right?
- Did you know that the very
first x-ray was take right here
in Birmingham, England in 1896?
Ha!
You call it an x-ray,
I call it a selfie.
So what did you do today?
- I saw where they keep all
those useless wax figures.
Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
No, no, no.
Parliament.
- With that in mind,
have you learned
anything since we've been here?
- Uh, I've learned that
the folks in Birmingham
like to be called Birmies.
Right.
- So I took that
knowledge forward.
Unfortunately, the
folks in Scotland
do not like to be
called Scummies.
Oh, they got all pissed off.
I don't know what the
hell they were saying.
You ever try to talk
to an angry Scot?
Good god.
The are you saying?
, so what do you
think of Liverpool so far?
Having a good time.
Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff.
- Well, this is the original
home of the Beatles.
- Yeah, do Paul and Ringo
ever get back here,
or are they still trying to
avoid running into Pete Best?
- For those who might be
watching and not be familiar,
Pete Best was the
original drummer
for The Beatles before...
- Before they dumped
his ass and got Ring.
That's right.
That had to suck.
You think he's over it by now?
I don't know.
You know they named a
street after Pete Best.
Oh, well, yes, great.
That's got to make up for the
millions of dollars and pounds,
don't you think?
What the hell's the
name of the street?
You got screwed boulevard?
- Did you know that it was in
Liverpool that scientists first
discovered that malaria
was spread by mosquitoes?
That's just fascinating, Jeff.
Let's put that on
the welcome signs.
That'll bring in the tourists.
Come to Liverpool!
We have Beatles and mosquitoes!
And one of them carries
a deadly disease!
Find out which one!
Ringo?
I know a little fact.
Did you know that
people in Scotland
by 40 bottles of
whiskey every second?
- This is my favorite
country ever.
Do they NASCAR in the uck?
In the what?
In the uck?
The... oh, UK.
Oh, you can spell.
- But Glasgow is, uh... you told
me it was confusing for you?
Yeah, it is.
Why?
- Yesterday at lunch
my waitress asked me
if I wanted some
tatties and neeps.
When I said yes, instead
of taking off her top,
she brought me food.
It was the worst strip
club I'd ever been to.
- Tatties and neeps are
served with haggis.
- Well, he didn't
show me that either.
- We've been talking
about Scotland a bit.
Oh yes?
- I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the... I've
saved this fact for you...
the murder capital of Europe.
I didn't do it!
I have nothing to
do with this shit!
Did you know that
bagpipes have existed
in Scotland since
the 14th century?
Oh!
That is probably about the
time the murder rate went up.
Did you know that I think
my mother was part Scottish?
Yeah?
Why do you say that?
- Sometimes she'd want to
put me in Scottish clothing?
Really?
Sure, she'd say I kilt you.
Kilt?
Kilt?
Get it?
Kilt?
I kilt you.
- By the time I was done,
I was 104 degrees out,
and I was sweating like a pig.
And... what happened?
What?
Wait a minute... oh
I can't say pig?
What?
I don't what to say.
I don't... forget it.
Just... I don't know anything.
What the are
they talking about?
Don't say pig?
Is that it?
OK, I was sweating like a goat.
All right.
Holy crap.
You're not gonna, erm...
What are you trying to say?
You're not...
No Achmed.
No Achmed.
Can you not
see out there?
- I will talk to Achmed
about this later.
No, no, no.
Can I, uh, get in the box and
get the out first?
It's not a good idea.
We're not in Israel.
I know.
But have you been enjoying
the sights around town?
Oh, yeah sure.
Amazing.
Gorgeous buildings.
Gorgeous buildings.
Yeah.
Amazing structures.
Fantastic hotels.
Been looking forward to this a
lot, and here we are in a tent.
- Yeah, they know how to treat
the infidels, don't they?
A frickin tent.
It's a nice...
Yeah, a nice tent.
Yay.
It's a frickin circus tent.
All we're missing is
the music.
Here's Jeff and Walter.
This sucks.
It's a fine facility.
OK, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess we're
actually safe though.
How's that?
What moron would bomb a tent?
What do you do?
What do you... cause
$20 worth of damage?
- I don't know who owns
this, but if it's one guy,
he might be here tonight.
- Oh good, he's gonna
go home to his palace,
and here we are in tent.
All right!
- So Bubba J, do you know
where we are exactly?
Oh, no.
Sure don't.
No I don't.
Abu Dhabi.
What?
Abu Dhabi.
You're drunk.
Really?
Yeah.
Say that again.
Abu Dhabi.
- I thought that's
what Fred Flintstone
says when he's excited.
No, that's yabba dabba do.
It's pretty close.
Abu Dhabi do!
Wait, wait!
Come back!
Come back!
Come back!
Come back!
You're the one of the guys
I really want to love me.
Is it the red cape?
Something wrong with that?
Did I say ham?
Oh my god, your
name is offensive!
Dun-ham!
Is he coming back?
Did he have to go potty?
Do you pick it up
or pull it down?
Or is there a little flap?
- Good evening, Abu Dhabi
infi... I mean, folks.
Silence, I kill you!
What the hell?
What... I threaten to kill
them, they all go yay.
- I think some of them
actually like you here.
Really?
You know, since being
here, I've been starting
to rethink the whole
suicide bomber thing.
How's that?
- I blew myself to get a new
place and a few versions,
meanwhile eight guys
in the front row
here have five matches
each, a bunch of hot wives,
and their own skin.
I had no idea these
options were available.
I love you guys.
Good night.
Welcome to Israel!
Where the hell are we?
I forgot, yeah, we're here.
OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom.
I'm surprised at how many
them in here have facial hair.
Well, that's true.
- Yeah, we went to
the market today,
and it took me 10 minutes to
pick my wife out of the crowd.
- So Achmed, we've been
going all over the place.
We have.
You know where we are?
- Well, we have going so many
places I have lost track.
And, uh, we... uh.
What's with all the Jews?
We're in Israel.
That's so funny.
Yeah, OK.
Israel.
Yeah, that's really funny.
We're in... what?
We're in Tel Aviv.
As in Israeli Army?
Holy crap.
Well, I'm already dead.
What the hell?
Achmed, trust me.
You'll be fine.
We're guests.
So they are friendly Jews?
Absolutely.
Do they bite?
Can I play with one?
I actually studied about
Israel before we got here.
Really?
Yes.
This is where the letter
comes from.
A- C-phlegm.
You guys know this stuff.
Why do these folks cheer for me?
Oh, I get it.
You like nothing better
than a dead terrorist.
I heard folks say that
Jews run the banks.
Well, I say good.
The Palestinians only
have the West Bank,
and that hasn't gone so well.
Dear Achmed, can you
whistle the Hava Nagila?
You guys are awesome!
Thanks for coming out!
- What do you think of
South Africa so far?
Honestly?
Yeah.
Not what I thought it would be.
How's that?
Look out there.
We're in Africa, right?
Lot of white folks out there.
It is South Africa.
OK.
Thus the continent of Africa.
Well this is not what I
remember from the Tarzan movies.
What is your first name?
David?
And guys named David and Warren.
I don't think those
are African names.
I was expecting like
- You know, Bubba J,
Joburg is a lively city.
Oh yeah, unless you get shot.
- Did you know that
South Africa has
the largest brewery
in the world?
The largest brewery?
I'm going to write a letter.
My dearest wife, for reasons
you will of course understand,
I am never coming home.
So after you become a
citizen of the South Africa,
how long does it take for
your skin to turn black?
These guys early
on too, I think.
- All right, you guys
have just been great.
What a crowd.
Thank you so much.
All right, let's turn up
the lights real quick.
Can we do the house lights?
Let's do this real quick?
Let's see what this
is gonna look like?
Oh yeah, this'll be great.
Hold on, let me get Achmed.
Hold on a second.
Can you do it sideways?
Is that good?
This way.
You dumbass idiot, Jeff.
- Have you seen the size of
the bugs in this country?
Yeah, there's some big ones.
- There was a beetle
in our hotel room,
and my wife wanted
me to step on it?
What did you do?
Nothing.
The damn thing grabbed my wife's
poodle and flew out the window.
I love this country.
- So what are the
differences you've
found between Australia
and the United States?
- Well, I think down here
my marriage goes down
the toilet in the
other direction.
Just guessing.
- Dear Achmed, my dream
was to see you and Jeff.
I've been waiting
for seven long years,
so because I've been waiting
so long, could I please
have a picture with both of you.
Thanks, Joann.
Joann, where are you?
Right there?
Hehe, no.
Come on, that's fine.
Come up here.
OK, where's your camera?
Um, my friend has it.
- Well, that doesn't
help.
- OK, well take a
picture of the screen.
Smile.
Stop looking at me and
rubbing your tits on my back.
Because it's not my back.
It's his hand.
Thank you.
Actually do it again.
No!
I got your back.
And her front.
I got it.
All right Terribly sorry.
Your wife is backstage.
I know.
- He took a feel
with his knuckles.
No, I didn't!
Fun coming up here, isn't it?
You can get closer.
Just stand right next to Achmed.
And don't rub your hooters.
Do not rub your
hooters on my scapula.
I took a peak.
I know.
I see for you.
Stop it.
OK, ready?
We'll smile, whoever
is taking the picture.
So Walter, what do you
think of Singapore so far?
Uh, it's pretty crowded here.
Oh yeah, that's true.
It's actually the
second most densely
populated country in the world.
Oh.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
All these folks aren't
here to see you.
There was just no
room for them outside.
- What do you like
about Singapore so far?
Well, they have some tough laws.
Oh, you heard about that?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Did you know you can
get fined or caned
for not flushing a
toilet after using it?
- And who the hell
checks up on that?
What, do you got
the police?
It's the SSP, the
Singapore police.
I am not kidding.
How the hell do they know?
Ah, that guy.
Is it a random check?
Or do they patrol the potties?
duty.
Fred, you investigating
that murder today?
No, I have a tip that we
have a serial non-flusher.
- I hear you say earlier that
in Singapore if you break
certain laws they
beat you with a stick.
Well, maybe while
they're here, Jose
could pick up a
little extra work.
- So this has been a
fun tour around the...
where everywhere...
everywhere we went.
I love Singapore.
It's my favorite European city.
- Did you know they
have save water
campaign here in Singapore?
Oh, well I know.
So today I drink
18 beers instead.
You're welcome.
So what's different
here than where we live?
- Well, I think religiously
there a lot more Buddhists here.
Buddhists?
They all wear boots?
So what do they do?
- Well, for one they
believe in reincarnation.
Re-incarceration?
You get out and suddenly
you're right back in.
No, reincarnation.
That you can have entire past
lives you don't even remember.
That happened to me yesterday.
- We had a great show in
Singapore, we're packing up,
and Marnel, my tour manager
comes in to deliver some news.
And he's sweating.
Hey, what's up?
Come in.
- I've got some
information on Malaysia.
They're reviewing
several options,
and option A is
not going to be...
- Option A meaning
I can't use Achmed.
- It hasn't been defined by
the cultural... what is it?
Cultural sensitivity.
Hold it.
You're saying that these
guys... who are these guys?
- It's actually one of
their religious leaders
that they had to fly to
another city to meet with them.
- I'm telling you I am the
lamb going to slaughter.
So they'll start
booing, and they're
not going to be booing me.
They're going to be booing the
fact that this is happening.
- They're probably aware
a lot of this stuff.
They're probably
used to restrictions.
No, they're not.
- They're probably used to
living with.
- We are promoting the show
with Achmed on the poster.
- Well, the main concern of
the Malaysian government
is that an artist is suitable
for the Malaysian culture.
Achmed is a little bit sensitive
to the Malaysian public.
We need to be careful
about what we put on stage.
The final ruling is that
Achmed the dead terrorist
is not allowed on stage.
- After we booked this
show, we were contacted
by the Malaysian ministry of
arts, and history, and culture.
And they asked me very
nicely and sternly
to not bring a certain
character to the show tonight.
They even said please do
not even mention his name,
but I know that people are
here because you've seen stuff
on YouTube and you're expecting
to see a certain someone.
However, I want to respect the
request because I am a guest
here, but at the same
time you paid your money
to see what you thought
you were going to see.
That certain person is not here.
However, his brother...
...is here.
He is from France.
Please help me welcome
Jacques, the French terrorist.
Bonjour American pig.
So you are French?
Oui, oui.
C'est Francais.
Uh-huh.
And your name is Jacques?
Oui.
Je m'appelle Jacques.
And what is your last name?
What are they laughing at?
My name is Jacques.
I do not understand what
they are laughing at.
- I think is
translated into, uh...
I am Jacques.
- Well, despite your name,
you seem like a nice guy.
You don't know Jacques.
Wait, that is not funny!
They're laughing.
I kill you!
So you're happy to be here?
No.
Why is that?
Where are we exactly?
Do not spit on my face,
you ugly American.
Where are we exactly?
Kuala Lumpur.
Oh, oui.
Kuala Lumpur.
Malaysia.
The weather here is.
Where I am from
the weather is up.
Morning is up.
Afternoon and evening is up.
- I don't think the weather
in France is always hot.
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Do not question, Jacques.
It's not always hot in France?
No.
OK.
Let's just say for
the sake of the joke,
Francais is always
hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, like a desert up.
Yes, you didn't
know that before?
There are pyramids, sand.
Let me get something straight.
You're the brother
of the other guy
who was supposed to be here.
- Do not say his name, or we
are both in giant trouble.
Those guys are here.
- Dear Achmed, what is your
favorite Malaysian food?
It has been nice knowing you.
Kumbaya...
Dear terrorist...
- That's not what you
said the first time.
When the show is done, run.
Someone named Spring.
Dear terrorist,
if you were given
the chance again to
be human, would you?
I am not human?
Not anymore.
No?
- Do you know what
that makes you?
A politician?
But the ministry is a
lovely group of people.
- You guys have
been just awesome.
Thanks KL.
We'll see you.
Good night!
So we've been all over
the globe and I wanted
to end this special in the place
that's most important to me.
How could we not?
It's not a fancy stage.
In fact, a lot of the audience
is sitting in the mud.
It's bee raining.
They're sitting in the grass.
But here we are in
the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
Here we are at Joint
Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.
Subtitle by JustCosmin
12 countries.
19 cities.
50,000 miles.
Five characters.
One dead terrorist.
We're all over the map.
Hey, guys.
I just completed the longest
and biggest tour I've ever been
on, and I couldn't have done
it without my wife Audrey,
who's travelled everywhere, or
without my friend Jeff Rothpan,
who's never traveled further
than his own mailbox.
Was I little concerned about
doing shows in the Far East,
and Africa, and the Middle East?
No, I was a lot concerned.
But the adventures
all began in Iceland.
Walt, I'm just impressed
that all these folks
came out for our show tonight?
Well, don't be?
Why?
Well, it's Iceland.
It's not you or us.
There's nothing else to do here.
- You know that Iceland has
one of the highest life
expectancies in
the entire world?
I did not know that.
Especially women.
Yeah?
- Yeah, here a woman's
average lifespan
and is 90 to 100 years.
Send my wife home immediately.
What is this?
Hell on earth?
How do you like the food here?
Oh, very funny.
I tried some of that...
what do you called that?
Hakharl hacaral hakaral.
You cannot speak Icelandic
without moving your lips,
I'm telling you.
Think of that.
There's no Icelandic
ventriloquist ever.
I will say, though, I think the
folks of Iceland are geniuses.
How's that?
- They know how to
keep it from getting
overcrowded with foreigners.
How's that?
- Simply by naming
the place Iceland.
It sounds like you'll
freeze your ass off.
Plus it's easier to say than
the dark long winter land
where the weather is.
We're morons for naming our
country the United States.
Sounds way too welcoming.
We should've called our country
crazy assholes with guns.
- Did you get a chance
to go to a volcano?
Oh, yes I did.
Did you take your wife?
Yes, I did.
What'd she think?
- She kept saying the
same thing over and over.
What?
Stop trying to push me in.
- Did you know that every
single city in Iceland
is named after the
sound a cat makes
when throwing up a hair ball?
I learned that.
That's not true.
Oh?
Reygoovableh.
There it is.
- Even though it's
named Iceland, did you
know the winters here
are actually fairly mild?
No.
Mm-hm.
Oh.
Guess they should
have called it Chile.
- Have you seen the colors
of the Icelandic flag?
Uh, no, I haven't seen it.
- There's red for
the volcanic fires.
Oh, that's good.
- Blue for the mountains
in the distance.
Yeah.
And white...
For the people.
- OK, did you know they have
the oldest tree in Norway
right here in Bergen.
Fascinating.
If I want to see them old
wood, I'll take a Viagra.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Did you know the first ever
ski jumper was from Norway?
- Let me guess,
married and miserable?
- So you've never
been snow skiing?
Actually, yes, once.
Broke a leg.
Oh, I bet that hurt.
I don't know.
Wasn't my leg.
- Do you know where I can buy
some whiskey around here?
- Well, in Norway you
can only buy liquor
from special stores
called, uh, good god.
Vin... how do you say it?
Yeah, that.
- There are none... nur
none hur dun nur dun.
- So we've done a lot
of interesting things
while in Norway.
This morning I milked a goat.
Oh?
Achmed got mad at me.
I think I was
touching his chick.
So while we're here.
- Wait, I want to
ask you something.
Can we go to Ikea?
This is Norway.
Ikea is in Sweden.
Oh, too bad.
I wanted to give Ikea a
new advertising slogan.
And what's that?
I- keel-you.
- So Achmed, did you know the
biathlon is popular here?
What is this biathlon?
It's where you ski
and shoot a gun.
Oh!
Yes, of course.
But in Los Angeles, you
drive and shoot a gun.
- I also learned today that
the Vikings put their dead
on a boat and sent
them out to sea.
Yes, of course.
The first Norwegian Cruise Line.
- So have you learned much about
Ireland since we got here?
- I'd say Americans and the
Irish pretty much think alike.
How's that?
- Most of us think our government
should take flying leap.
- Well, besides politics, did
you know that Bram Stoker who
created Dracula is from Dublin?
Oh really?
No, Dracula.
Dracula?
You mean the guy who sleeps
all day, goes out every night,
and can't stop drinking?
Wonder where Stoker
got that idea?
I once picked up an
Irish hitchhiker.
You did?
Yeah.
Where was he going?
Rehab.
Seems like he was Irish.
You're not saying anything.
No, but they can understand me.
- So what do you think
about Dublin so far?
- Oh, duh, dur, uh, this
is the land of beer.
That's right.
- I know we're going
to Israel soon,
but while we've
been here in Dublin,
I've seen pubs
everywhere, so I'm
pretty sure this
is the Holy Land.
And this is the biggest
alcoholics anonymous meeting
I've ever been to.
I have a joke.
All right.
- What do you call
women in Ireland?
I don't know.
What do you call
women in Ireland?
- You call them women,
you chauvinist bastard.
- We landed in Belfast the
other day, and I'm like what?
Belfast?
Am I here for a job interview.
I love Dublin.
I would never do
anything evil to Dublin.
Really?
I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
But have you looked
at this audience?
Yes.
Closely.
When the lights are out?
Yes.
- I am made entirely
out of bone and teeth,
and my color actually blends in.
- All right, Achmed, look, as
everybody was coming tonight,
they were given an opportunity
or two to ask you a question.
Yes.
- And everybody wrote them
down, and before the show
we grabbed a handful, and I
think you should answer them?
Okie dokie.
- Dear Achmed, does Guinness
go right through you?
You asshole!
Yes!
And so does potatoes...
Corned beef and
sunlight.
- Isn't England where
Mary Poppins is from.
It took place in London.
Oh yeah, OK.
Yeah.
You know, I dated
her for a while.
You dated Mary Poppins?
Yes, I did.
No.
Yeah, I did.
We were very young.
Oh really?
- I was the first guy to get
into her chim chim cher-ee.
Kinda ruined things when
in the moment of passion
she started screaming
some weird word.
It was like super
California refrigerator
x the delicious lotion.
Something like that.
- Uh, I love this country
because just about everything
is double entendre.
Like what?
Oh, come on.
Even the food.
Bangers and mash?
Come on!
That's sausages and potatoes.
- It sounds more like
a male dance team.
Or two guys dating.
I don't want to be
mash, all right?
- Did you know that the very
first x-ray was take right here
in Birmingham, England in 1896?
Ha!
You call it an x-ray,
I call it a selfie.
So what did you do today?
- I saw where they keep all
those useless wax figures.
Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
No, no, no.
Parliament.
- With that in mind,
have you learned
anything since we've been here?
- Uh, I've learned that
the folks in Birmingham
like to be called Birmies.
Right.
- So I took that
knowledge forward.
Unfortunately, the
folks in Scotland
do not like to be
called Scummies.
Oh, they got all pissed off.
I don't know what the
hell they were saying.
You ever try to talk
to an angry Scot?
Good god.
The are you saying?
, so what do you
think of Liverpool so far?
Having a good time.
Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff.
- Well, this is the original
home of the Beatles.
- Yeah, do Paul and Ringo
ever get back here,
or are they still trying to
avoid running into Pete Best?
- For those who might be
watching and not be familiar,
Pete Best was the
original drummer
for The Beatles before...
- Before they dumped
his ass and got Ring.
That's right.
That had to suck.
You think he's over it by now?
I don't know.
You know they named a
street after Pete Best.
Oh, well, yes, great.
That's got to make up for the
millions of dollars and pounds,
don't you think?
What the hell's the
name of the street?
You got screwed boulevard?
- Did you know that it was in
Liverpool that scientists first
discovered that malaria
was spread by mosquitoes?
That's just fascinating, Jeff.
Let's put that on
the welcome signs.
That'll bring in the tourists.
Come to Liverpool!
We have Beatles and mosquitoes!
And one of them carries
a deadly disease!
Find out which one!
Ringo?
I know a little fact.
Did you know that
people in Scotland
by 40 bottles of
whiskey every second?
- This is my favorite
country ever.
Do they NASCAR in the uck?
In the what?
In the uck?
The... oh, UK.
Oh, you can spell.
- But Glasgow is, uh... you told
me it was confusing for you?
Yeah, it is.
Why?
- Yesterday at lunch
my waitress asked me
if I wanted some
tatties and neeps.
When I said yes, instead
of taking off her top,
she brought me food.
It was the worst strip
club I'd ever been to.
- Tatties and neeps are
served with haggis.
- Well, he didn't
show me that either.
- We've been talking
about Scotland a bit.
Oh yes?
- I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the... I've
saved this fact for you...
the murder capital of Europe.
I didn't do it!
I have nothing to
do with this shit!
Did you know that
bagpipes have existed
in Scotland since
the 14th century?
Oh!
That is probably about the
time the murder rate went up.
Did you know that I think
my mother was part Scottish?
Yeah?
Why do you say that?
- Sometimes she'd want to
put me in Scottish clothing?
Really?
Sure, she'd say I kilt you.
Kilt?
Kilt?
Get it?
Kilt?
I kilt you.
- By the time I was done,
I was 104 degrees out,
and I was sweating like a pig.
And... what happened?
What?
Wait a minute... oh
I can't say pig?
What?
I don't what to say.
I don't... forget it.
Just... I don't know anything.
What the are
they talking about?
Don't say pig?
Is that it?
OK, I was sweating like a goat.
All right.
Holy crap.
You're not gonna, erm...
What are you trying to say?
You're not...
No Achmed.
No Achmed.
Can you not
see out there?
- I will talk to Achmed
about this later.
No, no, no.
Can I, uh, get in the box and
get the out first?
It's not a good idea.
We're not in Israel.
I know.
But have you been enjoying
the sights around town?
Oh, yeah sure.
Amazing.
Gorgeous buildings.
Gorgeous buildings.
Yeah.
Amazing structures.
Fantastic hotels.
Been looking forward to this a
lot, and here we are in a tent.
- Yeah, they know how to treat
the infidels, don't they?
A frickin tent.
It's a nice...
Yeah, a nice tent.
Yay.
It's a frickin circus tent.
All we're missing is
the music.
Here's Jeff and Walter.
This sucks.
It's a fine facility.
OK, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess we're
actually safe though.
How's that?
What moron would bomb a tent?
What do you do?
What do you... cause
$20 worth of damage?
- I don't know who owns
this, but if it's one guy,
he might be here tonight.
- Oh good, he's gonna
go home to his palace,
and here we are in tent.
All right!
- So Bubba J, do you know
where we are exactly?
Oh, no.
Sure don't.
No I don't.
Abu Dhabi.
What?
Abu Dhabi.
You're drunk.
Really?
Yeah.
Say that again.
Abu Dhabi.
- I thought that's
what Fred Flintstone
says when he's excited.
No, that's yabba dabba do.
It's pretty close.
Abu Dhabi do!
Wait, wait!
Come back!
Come back!
Come back!
Come back!
You're the one of the guys
I really want to love me.
Is it the red cape?
Something wrong with that?
Did I say ham?
Oh my god, your
name is offensive!
Dun-ham!
Is he coming back?
Did he have to go potty?
Do you pick it up
or pull it down?
Or is there a little flap?
- Good evening, Abu Dhabi
infi... I mean, folks.
Silence, I kill you!
What the hell?
What... I threaten to kill
them, they all go yay.
- I think some of them
actually like you here.
Really?
You know, since being
here, I've been starting
to rethink the whole
suicide bomber thing.
How's that?
- I blew myself to get a new
place and a few versions,
meanwhile eight guys
in the front row
here have five matches
each, a bunch of hot wives,
and their own skin.
I had no idea these
options were available.
I love you guys.
Good night.
Welcome to Israel!
Where the hell are we?
I forgot, yeah, we're here.
OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom.
I'm surprised at how many
them in here have facial hair.
Well, that's true.
- Yeah, we went to
the market today,
and it took me 10 minutes to
pick my wife out of the crowd.
- So Achmed, we've been
going all over the place.
We have.
You know where we are?
- Well, we have going so many
places I have lost track.
And, uh, we... uh.
What's with all the Jews?
We're in Israel.
That's so funny.
Yeah, OK.
Israel.
Yeah, that's really funny.
We're in... what?
We're in Tel Aviv.
As in Israeli Army?
Holy crap.
Well, I'm already dead.
What the hell?
Achmed, trust me.
You'll be fine.
We're guests.
So they are friendly Jews?
Absolutely.
Do they bite?
Can I play with one?
I actually studied about
Israel before we got here.
Really?
Yes.
This is where the letter
comes from.
A- C-phlegm.
You guys know this stuff.
Why do these folks cheer for me?
Oh, I get it.
You like nothing better
than a dead terrorist.
I heard folks say that
Jews run the banks.
Well, I say good.
The Palestinians only
have the West Bank,
and that hasn't gone so well.
Dear Achmed, can you
whistle the Hava Nagila?
You guys are awesome!
Thanks for coming out!
- What do you think of
South Africa so far?
Honestly?
Yeah.
Not what I thought it would be.
How's that?
Look out there.
We're in Africa, right?
Lot of white folks out there.
It is South Africa.
OK.
Thus the continent of Africa.
Well this is not what I
remember from the Tarzan movies.
What is your first name?
David?
And guys named David and Warren.
I don't think those
are African names.
I was expecting like
- You know, Bubba J,
Joburg is a lively city.
Oh yeah, unless you get shot.
- Did you know that
South Africa has
the largest brewery
in the world?
The largest brewery?
I'm going to write a letter.
My dearest wife, for reasons
you will of course understand,
I am never coming home.
So after you become a
citizen of the South Africa,
how long does it take for
your skin to turn black?
These guys early
on too, I think.
- All right, you guys
have just been great.
What a crowd.
Thank you so much.
All right, let's turn up
the lights real quick.
Can we do the house lights?
Let's do this real quick?
Let's see what this
is gonna look like?
Oh yeah, this'll be great.
Hold on, let me get Achmed.
Hold on a second.
Can you do it sideways?
Is that good?
This way.
You dumbass idiot, Jeff.
- Have you seen the size of
the bugs in this country?
Yeah, there's some big ones.
- There was a beetle
in our hotel room,
and my wife wanted
me to step on it?
What did you do?
Nothing.
The damn thing grabbed my wife's
poodle and flew out the window.
I love this country.
- So what are the
differences you've
found between Australia
and the United States?
- Well, I think down here
my marriage goes down
the toilet in the
other direction.
Just guessing.
- Dear Achmed, my dream
was to see you and Jeff.
I've been waiting
for seven long years,
so because I've been waiting
so long, could I please
have a picture with both of you.
Thanks, Joann.
Joann, where are you?
Right there?
Hehe, no.
Come on, that's fine.
Come up here.
OK, where's your camera?
Um, my friend has it.
- Well, that doesn't
help.
- OK, well take a
picture of the screen.
Smile.
Stop looking at me and
rubbing your tits on my back.
Because it's not my back.
It's his hand.
Thank you.
Actually do it again.
No!
I got your back.
And her front.
I got it.
All right Terribly sorry.
Your wife is backstage.
I know.
- He took a feel
with his knuckles.
No, I didn't!
Fun coming up here, isn't it?
You can get closer.
Just stand right next to Achmed.
And don't rub your hooters.
Do not rub your
hooters on my scapula.
I took a peak.
I know.
I see for you.
Stop it.
OK, ready?
We'll smile, whoever
is taking the picture.
So Walter, what do you
think of Singapore so far?
Uh, it's pretty crowded here.
Oh yeah, that's true.
It's actually the
second most densely
populated country in the world.
Oh.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
All these folks aren't
here to see you.
There was just no
room for them outside.
- What do you like
about Singapore so far?
Well, they have some tough laws.
Oh, you heard about that?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Did you know you can
get fined or caned
for not flushing a
toilet after using it?
- And who the hell
checks up on that?
What, do you got
the police?
It's the SSP, the
Singapore police.
I am not kidding.
How the hell do they know?
Ah, that guy.
Is it a random check?
Or do they patrol the potties?
duty.
Fred, you investigating
that murder today?
No, I have a tip that we
have a serial non-flusher.
- I hear you say earlier that
in Singapore if you break
certain laws they
beat you with a stick.
Well, maybe while
they're here, Jose
could pick up a
little extra work.
- So this has been a
fun tour around the...
where everywhere...
everywhere we went.
I love Singapore.
It's my favorite European city.
- Did you know they
have save water
campaign here in Singapore?
Oh, well I know.
So today I drink
18 beers instead.
You're welcome.
So what's different
here than where we live?
- Well, I think religiously
there a lot more Buddhists here.
Buddhists?
They all wear boots?
So what do they do?
- Well, for one they
believe in reincarnation.
Re-incarceration?
You get out and suddenly
you're right back in.
No, reincarnation.
That you can have entire past
lives you don't even remember.
That happened to me yesterday.
- We had a great show in
Singapore, we're packing up,
and Marnel, my tour manager
comes in to deliver some news.
And he's sweating.
Hey, what's up?
Come in.
- I've got some
information on Malaysia.
They're reviewing
several options,
and option A is
not going to be...
- Option A meaning
I can't use Achmed.
- It hasn't been defined by
the cultural... what is it?
Cultural sensitivity.
Hold it.
You're saying that these
guys... who are these guys?
- It's actually one of
their religious leaders
that they had to fly to
another city to meet with them.
- I'm telling you I am the
lamb going to slaughter.
So they'll start
booing, and they're
not going to be booing me.
They're going to be booing the
fact that this is happening.
- They're probably aware
a lot of this stuff.
They're probably
used to restrictions.
No, they're not.
- They're probably used to
living with.
- We are promoting the show
with Achmed on the poster.
- Well, the main concern of
the Malaysian government
is that an artist is suitable
for the Malaysian culture.
Achmed is a little bit sensitive
to the Malaysian public.
We need to be careful
about what we put on stage.
The final ruling is that
Achmed the dead terrorist
is not allowed on stage.
- After we booked this
show, we were contacted
by the Malaysian ministry of
arts, and history, and culture.
And they asked me very
nicely and sternly
to not bring a certain
character to the show tonight.
They even said please do
not even mention his name,
but I know that people are
here because you've seen stuff
on YouTube and you're expecting
to see a certain someone.
However, I want to respect the
request because I am a guest
here, but at the same
time you paid your money
to see what you thought
you were going to see.
That certain person is not here.
However, his brother...
...is here.
He is from France.
Please help me welcome
Jacques, the French terrorist.
Bonjour American pig.
So you are French?
Oui, oui.
C'est Francais.
Uh-huh.
And your name is Jacques?
Oui.
Je m'appelle Jacques.
And what is your last name?
What are they laughing at?
My name is Jacques.
I do not understand what
they are laughing at.
- I think is
translated into, uh...
I am Jacques.
- Well, despite your name,
you seem like a nice guy.
You don't know Jacques.
Wait, that is not funny!
They're laughing.
I kill you!
So you're happy to be here?
No.
Why is that?
Where are we exactly?
Do not spit on my face,
you ugly American.
Where are we exactly?
Kuala Lumpur.
Oh, oui.
Kuala Lumpur.
Malaysia.
The weather here is.
Where I am from
the weather is up.
Morning is up.
Afternoon and evening is up.
- I don't think the weather
in France is always hot.
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Do not question, Jacques.
It's not always hot in France?
No.
OK.
Let's just say for
the sake of the joke,
Francais is always
hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, like a desert up.
Yes, you didn't
know that before?
There are pyramids, sand.
Let me get something straight.
You're the brother
of the other guy
who was supposed to be here.
- Do not say his name, or we
are both in giant trouble.
Those guys are here.
- Dear Achmed, what is your
favorite Malaysian food?
It has been nice knowing you.
Kumbaya...
Dear terrorist...
- That's not what you
said the first time.
When the show is done, run.
Someone named Spring.
Dear terrorist,
if you were given
the chance again to
be human, would you?
I am not human?
Not anymore.
No?
- Do you know what
that makes you?
A politician?
But the ministry is a
lovely group of people.
- You guys have
been just awesome.
Thanks KL.
We'll see you.
Good night!
So we've been all over
the globe and I wanted
to end this special in the place
that's most important to me.
How could we not?
It's not a fancy stage.
In fact, a lot of the audience
is sitting in the mud.
It's bee raining.
They're sitting in the grass.
But here we are in
the land of the free
and the home of the brave.
Here we are at Joint
Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.
Subtitle by JustCosmin