Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself (2006) Movie Script
Jeff dunham, i'm talking to you my man.
This is your night and this is your time.
You're gonna put the smackdown on that crowd like 50 cent.
You're gonna get it crunk like usher.
Like the ushers?
Oh man, i gotta think white, think white...
- You mean: going to do well like toby keith.
- Huh?
- I think i get it.
- You're my man jeff.
Thanks sweet daddy.
Group hug?
What???
Uh...ok jeff.
You can put me down now...
We got a show to do.
They're waiting for ya.
Ah...shit
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome jeff dunham.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Alright!
Thank you
You are assuming way to much,
ladies and gentlemen
But thanks for coming out tonight.
I am happy to be in orange county.
I'm happy to be in santa ana.
My mother-In-Law had a dance studio.
She had this dance studio for 30 years.
She owned it and she ran it.
A few months ago, she was 4 days away
from closing the sail on the dance studio
She was gonna take the money, retire,
be independent and live out the rest of her life.
Then, the hurricanes came...
guess where my mother-In-Laws dance studio was?!
West palm beach,
florida.
Guess who's living with me
and my family now in los angeles??!!
I'll say it again: i am happy to be in santa ana.
Where is chris rock,
when you need the man?
In one house, it's me,
my wife, three little girls
..3 female dogs, 2 female rats
, 1 female fish
Now my mother-In-Law and
as a bonus, my sister-In-Law.
I am growing a uterus as we speak.
The only other male in the household,
is my golden retriever: bill.
And they had him neutered.
Oh, it's very sad. I came home
after being gone for about 5 days
I walked in the front door.
Bill is lying on the coach.
He looks up like:
"dude...
You're not going to believe
what they did to me...
"Run!"
Who is this?
Ladies, meet me in the green room!!
Well, our daughters are now 8, 10
and god forbid, 14 years of age.
Thanks for your sympathy.
My wife and i recognize that we are
living on the verge of hell.
Because from what i understand,
when woman live in the same house,
Apparently, god has a sense of humor.
Because eventually their biological time clocks synchronize
So i know when all my daughters get to be that age,
I'll be sitting on the phone with my agent
every 3 and a half weeks going:
"You gotta get me the hell out of here!!"
My office door will be locked and all i hear is:
"Daddy...
Let us in..."
Bill will be sitting next to me:
"don't open the door!"
Well, i know that some of you know
what's going on this evening.
I have little people in boxes and ahh...
I gotta tell ya,
the way security is at the airports nowadays
When you try and check in
with a small person in your luggage...
They stop ya.
Most airports nowadays have the sophisticated
equipment for checking your luggage
They are like big mris,
they can check the contents, the materials...
But some of the smaller airports, don't.
We all know burbank airport,
just north of here a few miles.
Don't have all the sophisticated stuff,
they still have to handcheck a lot of luggage.
I was in line, about 3 1/2 weeks ago,
early one morning, very crowded
And most people, when you get your
luggage handchecked, it's no big deal
They might pull out your underwear, like uhw..
But for me, they're pulling out dolls.
I told him not to
do that joke.
And i figured out the way they decide,
who's luggage they're gonna handcheck
It is a complete judgement call
on these guys parts.
They look at you and they decide and
apparently i look like a terrorist with a trunk.
Because as:"sir, i gotta take a look at that trunk".
I'm like: "uh crap, here we go!"
So he takes the big trunk and
he puts it on the top of the silver table
He opens it up and the first thing he pulls out
is one of my little guys: peanut.
You'll see him in a little while,
you know my little peanut.
But he pulls peanut out and he's like: "he."
And people in line are like: "hey!"
And i'm like "ohh..."
Now, they have these swabs and
they swab whatever it is they're looking at
They then take the piece of material,
they put it in the analyzer
It then checks to see if your stuff has come
into contact with anything dangerous.
Chemicals or whatever.
So the guy has peanut in one hand,
swab in the other
This is all true, it's too stupid to make up.
He could have swabbed peanut
on the head, on the foot...
No, in front of god and everybody,
he swabs his butt, just like that.
I know it's only a puppet...
but i work with the guy.
There's a relationship here!
And i'm sitting there watching this and
the first thing i find myself thinking is:
You sick bastard!
What the hell...?!
Why are you wiping my friends butt?
He then takes the swab,
puts it in the machine, shuts the door
I think we're finished.
We start to put things away....
Suddenly the little machine goes:
Three more guys come out,
they have me up against the wall.
They're checking my id,
they're doing a background check on the internet.
They're going through all my stuff,
takes 15 minutes.
Now we're finished
everything is fine.
Then we start to put things back
and then i start to think...
What the hell...
Was on peanuts butt...
That labelled me the potential terrorist?
This is all true and i asked the guy
and he goes:
Well, it's all in code on the computer.
Let's see.
He goes: "eh, that would be militairy grade
plastic explosives". And i go: "hehehe.."
"What???"
And he goes: "well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that..."
And i went: "haha!
No, there is no lotion on the puppets ass!"
I've been building bombs in my garage.
You caught me skippy!
Thanks for
straightening me out!
I don't ever want to go
through the burbank airport again.
There was only a small number of
these guys doing all the checking
I know the next time i'll go through,
they'll all be standing in a group
and one of them will point and go:
"There he is! There's the gay puppet bomber!"
"There's lotion on his puppets ass"
You two girls are twins right?
Ladies and gentlemen, i have a few guys
to introduce to you tonight
The first guy i met years ago
when i was still in college
And he's a vietnam war veteran
And he was a welder at the time.
He'd been married for many, many years
And he was just tired of being in the house
and wanted to get out
He saw what i did on weekends
He thought it would be fun just to
get up in front of people and just talk
Give his point of views
on all kinds of subjects.
So we tried it a few times,
i thought he was great
We've been a team ever since.
Please help me welcome my old friend: walter
Shut the hell up!
- Walter, you're happy to be here?
- Oh, overjoyed!
Last week, i was lying on a beach in mali
and i couldn't decide
Should i stay in hawai or go to friggin santa ana?
My god, i can die happy now!
- Fine city
- I don't give a damn
- What's wrong with you?
- I don't know
It's hot as hell outside,
my skin is a drie and itchy,
You put me in a sweater
Sure as hell, not gonna ask you for lotion.
- You know you don't have to do this
- Yeah, i can get a real job
- What would you do?
- I wanna be a greeter at wal-Mart
What the hell is so funny?!
At wal-Mart,
what would be your opening line?
Welcome to wal-Mart,
get your shit and get out!
Have a nice day.
- Anything else wrong?
- I don't know
My wife and i couldn't find any place to park
anywhere near this stinkin joint
And some jerk pulled up in a brand new mercedes,
goes right in the handicap spot.
He gets out of the car and
there's nothing wrong with him.
Don't you hate that?
So i ran his ass over.
I made an honest man out of him.
And his mother got out the other side,
started swinging her crutches at me.
Took her out with the door.
- Don't you feel kinda bad?
- Oh hell, ain't carpool
- Do you think the police didn't see ya?
- I ain't afraid of the cops around santa ana
- You seen some of these guys?
- What?
Cops on bicycles.
- What's wrong with that?
- How intimidating is this:
"Sorry buddy, pull it over"
What do they do when they arrest somebody?
"Alright, in the basket"
Yes ladies...
i wrote that joke.
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops.
They got playing cards in their spokes.
"Halt!"
- So your wife's in town?
- Oh, yeah!
- She's having a good time?
- She always has a good time
Pisses me off
- She's a lovely lady!
- She's gettin old
Well, women age like fine wine
She's aging like milk
- Did you guys get into another argument this morning?
- Yeah
- What happened?
- I don't know
She rolled out of bed,
jumped on her minstrel cycle
And ran my ass over.
Never heard it put quite that way before
Oh it even has a sound.
It goes:
Nag, nag, bitch, bitch
- How long have you been married?
- Uh, what is it now? 46 years
What was the happiest moment of your life?
47 years ago
- How long have you been married?
- 15 years
You'll see
- I'll see what?
- Remember when you said:
- "Till death do us part"?
- Yeah
Later, you'll realize
you're actually setting a goal.
- Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- It's like drinking a slurpy
First couple of sips are like:
"boy, this is really good. I'm glad i did this"
Then you keep drinking it,
goes right to your head and you go..
"What the hell was i thinking?!"
"Someone kill me please!"
But eventually it stops hurting
Yeah, but then you're stupid enough
to take another friggin sip.
- Ain't the same anymore is it?
- What?
Being married all these years.
You can't look at other women now.
You can't talk to them,
you can't do nothing.
- What are you talking about?
- I'll show you what i'm talking about...
See this lovely young lady
sitting right here in the front row
This gorgeous young thing?
- Do you see her?
- Yeah...
Oh well...
Only thing you can do now
is run to the end of your chain and bark.
Getting married is kind of
like buying a new car
You know when you see that car in the
showroom floor just before you take it home...
- Yeah..
- That is as good as it's ever gonna look
Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches.
Parts start to go bad.
Then the new models comes out
and then you're like:...
"Honey, can i just sit in it?"
No, remember?
- Walter, how's the love life?
- You mean sex?
- Yes
- I'm married, you morron!
- I'm too old too
- You're not too old
- How would you know?
- Well, i don't know, but i do know
I had grandparents who well into their eighties,
where still having fun.
Their eighties?
Good god...
What the hell kinda sex is that?
- "Was it good for you?"
- "I can't remember"
- "We just finished!"
- "Who are you?"
Are you trying to tell me there's nothing
sexually going on between you and your wife?
It's very difficult.
She gripes about everything.
Like what?
She said i don't make
the right noises during sex
- Sorry to hear that
- Wanna hear what i do?
No
- Alright, you talked me into it.
- Wait a minute...
Now be careful,
these are gonna be kind of pornographic
"Get off"
"I can't see the weather channel!"
"Get the hell off!"
Oh, now that's funny!
Wait, no it's not.
I know you know better than i do, but i mean
is there any kind of foreplay for you guys?
Foreplay?
At our age?
Yeah, it's come down to:
"hey, wake up!"
- You know what oral sex for us is?
- What?
She screams: "screw you!"
And i yell: "bite me!"
Come on walter, at your age,
how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?
Brise.
I don't know. My wife and i heard
that coffee's good for your sex life
Coffee?
Is it?
No, it kept me awake
through the whole damn thing.
I actually had to participate!
Doctor said it's bad for my heart too.
- Oh, the caffeine?
- No, seeing my wife naked
- That's awful!
- Oh, you seen her too?
So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
I don't know, but they're never gonna
let us go back into that starbucks again!
Well, we used the filter!
You know walter -Despite how you act-, i bet when
you were younger you were quite a ladiesman
I used to chase skirts all over the world.
- Really?
- Till i got to scotland...
And boy, was i surprised!
- So you had women everywhere?
- I even dated a girl in india
- Really?
- Lovely young lady. Weird ass country.
- What's wrong with india?
- I don't now
Most of the women got a red dot
in the middle of their forehead.
What the hell is that?
"You are here"
Maybe it lights up
when the coffee is ready?
Sorry
- "Scratch it off, you friggin win something!!"
- Will you stop?!
How about this: "hey looks like
she's videotaping me all the time!"
As everybody was coming in tonight, they were
given an opportunity or two to ask you a question
So before the show started, i grabbed a small handful.
I think you should answer them.
I don't give a damn
You pall here in the blue shirt, in the front row...
you filled one out?
Hello!
Did you fill one out?
Where are you going?!
Sit the hell down!
You bastard, this is tv!
What the hell?
Think he's gonna take a piss?
These are expensive tickets, extensive set-Up,
lot of production
Divide it all up, if he's gone for 3 minutes,
he's taking a 600 dollar piss!
Dumbass.
Is he coming back?
Ok
We'll wait.
- What's that guys first name?
- Mike!
Mike.
Dumbass.
- Are there speakers up in the bathroom?
- Yes
Oh mike!!
Whe are waiting for you, mike!!
Kinda of tough to go
with all this pressure isn't it, mike?!
Mike!
Get out!!
Mike's taking a long time...
Could be having trouble...
What does mike do for a living?
Transportations
He does transportation?
What the hell does that mean?
Medical transportation
Medical transportation?!
What the fuck is that?!
Welcome back, dumbass!
Mike, could you hear us in there?
Mike!
Somebody pull his string.
He's not talking.
Mike, could you hear us in there?
I could't hear it.
Well, we could hear you.
And you didn't wash your hands!
I don't give a damn
Back to you, asswhole.
I'm sorry, just kiddin around.
What is your first name, here in the blue shirt?
Nick.
Nick, what do you do for a living?
- I work in construction
- What kind of construction?
- I work with a general contractor
- With a general contractor
You're not the general contractor?
You work with one.
- So what is your title, nick?
- I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.
Framing and drywalling...
Got anything for that, dumbass?
You know nick, we got jokes for doctors
and lawyers and even trash collectors.
But the framing and drywalling guy...
Not in our arsenal of snatty come-Backs!
Now we're not gonna bother
going home and writing any
Cos hey...
what are the fucking odds now ?
I'm sorry
- It was nick right?
- Yeah
Nick and mike.
Mike and nick.
Dumbasses.
- Would you be nice to the crowd?
- I don't give a damn
- Some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't
- I don't give a damn
- Where is valerie...? What is it?
- What is it... ramney... ramsey...
- Valerie, where are ya?
- Right there
"Dear walter, how do you take
off ten years to look younger?"
Oh, me? That would be thompson's waterseal.
This is from milton: "dear walter,
my wife sits at home all day and won't work."
"How can i get her to get a job?"
Well milton, you're going to have to die.
That'll teach the bitch!
- Where is nick manos?
- Right here!
Nick!
Nick says: "dear walter,
you're looking a little frustrated."
"When is the last time you got laid?"
Oh crap, i recognize him.
That's our gay stalker!
I need medical transportation!
This is from steven: "dear walter,
could you please recommend a good proctologist?"
Tony whittier.
Oh, tony from whittier, california.
- Pay attention, idiot
- I'm sorry
"Dear walter, time and time again
i have filled out this sheet, 6 times."
"You never answer my question. What gives?"
- Let's skip that one
- Ok
This is from chris,
it's a girl chris
"Dear..."
you read this
"Dear walter, after 9 1/2 years my boyfriend
still hasn't 'popped' the question"
That says 'poop' the question!!
Chris, you need to learn to spell i think
How the hell do you 'poop' the question?
I guess you should
listen from the other end...
"Dear walter, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?"
What?!
I guess cos if they got too cold,
they'd poke a whole in the package.
New from the colonel:
"chicken and tits"
"Dear walter, what is one of jeffs
deepest darkest secrets?"
He has a sex blow up doll
- No i don't
- Yes you do
- No
- Yes and the sick part is...
He makes her talk...
- And boy, does she lie!
- Will you stop it!
"Dear walter, what was your
favorite toy as a child?"
Dirt
And we were happy
Kids nowadays, they have too much.
They got the internet, videogames, computer crap.
Hell they're even passing out condoms
in highschools, did you know that?
- Yeah
- Good god
When i was that age, we had to
walk 5 miles to get a condom
Up hill.
In the snow.
- With a boner!
- Oh stop it!
I threw this one away, cos
i thought it was kinda over the line
But i think we crossed that
a couple of times
- You read it
- Why?
- I just can't. You read it.
- Ok, i don't care
"Dear walter, why is it that i
gag when i brush my tongue,
But not when i give my boyfriend oral sex?"
Well obviously, your toothbrush is bigger
That's walter! There we go! Alright!
Thank you!
Thank you so much
And now ladies and gentlemen...
Folks, every once in a while, a fear in showbusiness
You feel the need to reinvent yourself.
Redo things.
Make the creative juices keep flowing
I felt not long ago,
it was time for me to do that
So i fired my current manager
and hired a new one.
He's actually here this evening and before i go
any further, he wanted to come out and say a few words
We are getting to know eachother,
he's getting to know my audiences.
I think you're really going to enjoy him,
because he's a smart guy. I really respect him.
Please help me welcome
my new manager sweet daddy d.
Well, it's about time.
These folks were waiting to see me...
- How are you doing sweet daddy?
- Oh no, it's not sweet daddy, it's sweet daddy d.
Well, i'm happy to call
you my new manager
I'm what you call a player
in a management profession.
Right.
P.I.M.P.
- You're a pimp?
- That makes you the hoe!
- I'm not a whore
- What do you do for a living?
- Make people laugh
- Make them feel good?
- Right
- You're the hoe
- That's not right
- Why do you do what you do?
Why? Because i enjoy it and it's
the best way i know to make money
You're the hoe!
Wait a minute, what if i said
i only do it because of the money?
You're the dumb hoe.
So what ideas do
you have for my career?
The first thing i gotta
do is school you in street
- Street?
- Word
- What?
- Word
What word?
What?
- You said: "word".
- Word
- What word?
- Oh snap, what the hell?
Dog, "word" is like:
"i heard that?"
- Heard what?
- Oh shit
Dog, you are not white.
You're neon white
You're so white,
you make barry manilow look like a brother.
- I like barry manilow.
- Are you gay?
No
I heard about the lotion.
- I'm not gay
- You're just white.
- Yeah
- It's all good
- Look, do you think this is gonna work between us?
- Let's make an analogy here...
If we were food...
I would be a fine summer wine
that would be divine anytime
- What about me?
- Every good wine needs a cracker!
That's funny shit right there!
You gotta laugh at that shit
We got a fine hoochy
momma right here
Hello??!!!
You're looking to go home
with some real wood?
You like it?!
I may be short, but it
ain't my feet holding me up
- Sweet daddy, what are you doing?
- Trying to find me some hoes, dog!
Hoes?
Oh you mean women!
Oh i got it!
Word!!!
Don't you ever do that again!!
I don't know what the hell that was, but
you just embarrassed the hell out of everybody
Even the white folks are sitting there going:
"what the fuck was that?"
You know us black folks got a saying
- Stay black
- Right.
- I got some advice for you
- What?
Stay white
I know a lot of white people
emulate the afro-American culture
- To make themselves seem cooler.
- Yeah, us black folks got a word for that...
- What?
- Irritating
So i'll say it again and it goes
for most everybody in this room
I'll stay black,
you stay white.
As for my mexican
brothers and sisters...
You learn english mothafuckers,
how bout that?
That's funny shit right there!
Oh lord, i'm glad
i'm going home in a suitcase
Look sweet daddy, who
are some of your other clients?
- I can't tell you that...
- Why?
- I gotta protect their anonymity
- Well...
Give us a hint then.
How bout some initials?
O.J.
Oh shit!
- So you have some athletes and former athletes?
- Oh, sure enough
- So you like sports?
- Oh yeah
I like sports,
lets talk about sports
What do you think about the
hockey strike we had not long ago?
The what...?
- You know, the hockey strike
- Oh yeah
Me and all the brothers were laying
around the hood everyday going:
"Oh lord, what do we do with no hockey?!"
"Thank the lord, we got nascar!"
Nascar, that's another
dumbass crack of sport!
- Nascar is very popular
- I know that, i just don't get it!
Lots of grown, white men going
500 miles, in a circle?!
What the hell?!
What kind of sleen half (?) Is this:
"look, they're making a left turn"
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
I wonder what's gonna happen next???
"Let's go to commercial, come back in 10 minutes,
You ain't gonna miss a fuckin thing!"
He is that the dude that walter was talking to?
Right there
I was talking to him
outside before the show
He was dissin me
on my threads
- Oh, he didn't like your clothes
- That's right
And he asks: "how come your name is sweet
daddy?" You know what i said to him?
Ask your momma!!
Don't get all up in my grill dog,
you know it ain't just me up here...
And if i'm not funny,
it's not my fault
- See dog, i'm kinda like coffee
- Coffee?
Yeah, before you experience my brown goodness...
i gotta go through a big ass white filter.
That's funny shit right there!
- So sweet daddy, do you like the audience here?
- I love your crowd...
But i feel a little bit outnumber...
Is there one other brother
in the house tonight?
Yo dog!
Run!
Start up the car, i need you
out back after the show!
It's like we're at a dwight yokum concert,
or some shit like that
Look sweet daddy, before you go...
why did you choose me as a client?
- Because you're safe.
- I'm what?
I gotta lot of clients ending up in jail and in trouble.
I don't see you putting your ass in jail anytime soon.
Nothing
Unless of course,
they make lotion illegal...
- Will you please drop the lotion?
- Ok, but i ain't picking it up anywhere near your ass!
That's sweet daddy d!
Thank you!
And now ladies and gentlemen,
how do we describe this next guy?
Pretty much just white, trash trailer park.
Please help me welcome, bubba j.
- How are you doing bubba j?
- I'm doing pretty good!
- Well, i'm glad you're here
- Yeah, i was fixin' to coming here
And i went out the
front door to come here
And i came here,
and i got here
And here i am!
So bubba j,
what does the j stand for?
My last name is junior.
- It's a good thing they didn't name you junior
- Yeah, that'll be dumb: junior junior.
That's my brothers name.
What have you been doing today?
I've been watching nascar
and drinking beer!
- That's your favorite sport
- Yeah, nascar is too!
Nascar is very hot right now.
I know, everybody loves nascar!
Well, sweet daddy says it's just
a bunch of guys driving in a circle.
I know, that's my favorite part
"They're making a left turn!"
It's a sport that's easy
to follow when you're hammered.
- I understand you got a new tattoo
- Yeah, i got another somewhere else...
That'll grow...
- Did you get it?
- They got it!
I'm tired of hearing that most
nascar fans drink too much.
- Cos it's not true?
- Oh no, it's true...
I'm just tired of hearing it.
Makes me thirsty for another beer
- Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?
- Yeah, but we have boxed wine...
Yeah, it's wine that comes in a box
It's great, cos if you had too much to drink,
then you got something to throw up in.
Bubba j, don't you
worry about your health?
- Huh?
- Your health...
- Like what?
- Your liver...
No
My last abduction
with the aliens took it.
- You think you got abducted by aliens?
- I don't think, i know!!!
They took me and they
stuck something in my butt.
And not in the good way...
When you go to a nascar race
and you party a lot,
Who is your designated driver?
What the fuck is that?
- Do you drive drunk?
- No officer!!
I'm practising
- Have you ever had an intervention?
- Yeah, and penicillin cleared her right of him
Stupid cousin
It was a second cousin!
That's a grey area
- Do you play any sports yourself?
- Does 'quarters' count?
No
- Do you got a drinking problem?
- No, i pretty much got it figured out
- What's your favorite beer?
- An open one
- And how do you know when you had too much?
- I run out
Have you ever been to an
alcoholics anonymous meeting?
A.A. Is for quiters
He, mister dunham, i was wondering...
what is it that you do for a living?
- I'm a comedian
- You are?
- You got one of them catch frases?
- Well you know i'm a ventriloquist
Oh, you don't eat meat?
What?
- Bubba j, are you married?
- Oh yeah
- Is your wife pretty?
- Yeah...
No
- What's the difference?
- The light.
- Where did you meet your wife?
- At the family reunion.
What?!
- Where was this family reunion?
- At the state fair.
Why don't you tell us about
the first time you saw your wife?
Alright
There she was...
- More?
- Yeah, more!
- Where was she?
- She was leaning against the ferris wheel..
Making it tilt...
Sunlight, glistening off her curlers...
Corndog in one hand,
a budweiser in the other.
My tattoo is growing!!
I went up to her and i said:
"young woman, you look more delicious
Then mayonnaise oozing
out of a spam sandwich."
And then she smiled...
What a tooth!
- So i guess you dated her a little while?
- Yeah, a little bit
- Then you proposed?
- No her daddy did that for me
- How did that happen?
- I was supposed to come and pick her up about 7 o'clock
One night, i got there at 7.30h
And her daddy was on the front
porch with his shotgun. He said:
"He bubba j, guess who else is late!"
I'm glad you're laughing,
somebody had to explain it to me.
I still don't get it
- So i guess you had the wedding at the church?
- Yeah
- Had the reception?
- At wal-Mart
- Wal-Mart?
- Yeah
- Why?
- Easier to return the gifts
We walked in the front door, some old
conger standing there and he goes:
He, welcome to wal-Mart,
get you shit and get out!
- Say goodnight bubba j.
- Goodnight!
I met this next guy many years ago,
also when i was in college.
He is not from the united states.
He's from a small micronesian island in the south-Pacific.
And he hopped a cruise ship,
i actually met him down in florida.
We met up, talked a little bit, i thought he was kinda funny.
We went on stage together a few times.
He's been in my act ever since.
Please help me welcome my buddy: peanut.
- How are you doing peanut?
- I'm doing pretty good. How are you?
- I'm fine
- That's good, that's goood, that's gooood!
- Well, looks like a pretty good crowd tonight
- You like it here?
Oh, i love coming here to uh, uh, uh....
This town right here!!
- Which town?
- This one
- Which is?
- The one we're in right now...
Peanut, where are we?
You don't know??
- I don't think you know
- I forgot
- You forgot?
- We go to see so damn many places, i forgot!
- Think about it for a second
- Alright, alright, alright...
Damn!!!
- The drive from the valley
- Was bad as hell...
- Traffic?
- Sucked like hell...
- Drivers?
- Angry as hell...
- And you?
- Were scared as hell...
- Parking here?
- Sucked more like hell...
- So?
- We're in hell!!
And these are our hellmates!
Think about it, next time somebody
tells you to go to hell: "come right here!"
- Where are we?
- I don't know!
Help me out,
help me out!!
Sorry
- I wrote it down for you
- Oh good, you wrote it down!
Ah yes! I love coming to...
Sa.
Nata a.
Na.
What the hell is that?!
Sa nata a na.
What is it a friggin indian reservation?!
What the hell?!
Sa nata a na.
It's santa ana.
"Santa ana".
Look i know i didn't finish school,
but that friggin says: "sa nata a na".
Dumbass
I will never blink
- They pronounce it: "santa ana".
- Well, they're wrong!
Sa nata a na.
- It's santa ana!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah
- Ok!
- You're happy to be here?
- What?
- You're happy to be here?
- Ohh, yes i am...
Just last week, i was lying in bed
and i woke up sobbing.
I will never be happy untill we return to...
Sa nata a na!
And now, we're here!!
Thank you for bringing me!
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
- And we're in a very nice theater
- Ok!
This town is great
It's a fine city!
Have you looked around?!
Holy crap!
It sucks!
- A lot of history in this city.
- Translated: "old as shit".
They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...
Polish a turd,
it's still a turd
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
Sorry!
- But the drive down here did suck
- Yes it did
It was in the 4 or 5 then the 5, holy crap!
Thank goodness we turned on the radio
and listened to the traffic report
- How much good did that do us?
- None what so friggin ever!
I hate the traffic reports.
They are a waste of time.
Let me do the traffic reports,
i'll save everyone a lot of time and money.
"He peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning,
there's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"
"It's eight o'clock in the morning!
Everyone left the house
at the same damn time
Back to you!
Call me back at 5.30,
i'll tell you the same thing
Only guess what?
They are going the other way!
You know what else pissed me off today?
Try using my cell phone
- Having trouble?
- Just like the stinkin commercials
"Can you hear me know? How bout now?
Or now? Now?"
You know what you don't hear in those commercials?
The other end of the conversation!
What a piece of shit!
You know what cellphone sex is?
"Can you feel me now? How bout now?"
Stop it!
This guy is not getting any of this. I've been
watching him the whole time and it's all going...
I'm just kidding buddy.
What's your name?
What is your name?
I'm fucking looking right at ya!
- Aren't i?
- I think so
Fix my eyes asswhole
It's hard to talk to somebody if
you're not looking right at them.
It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye.
You don't know which eye to focus on.
You're sitting there talking to them thinking:
"oh crap, should i be looking at that eye or that eye?"
Focus you morron!
What?!
- What if someone here has a lazy eye?
- I'll confuse them. Here i am. Here!
- You know what pesto is?
- Pesto is the stuff that goes on salades and pizza.
No, pesto. It's a magician with a harelip.
Pesto!
- What if somebody here has a harelip?
- Sorry!
Oh stop it!
Boy, what if they had a harelip and a lazy eye. Their really gone be: "fissed off"
Back to you dude
I'm kidding. You right here with
the blond hair and the glasses.
- What is your first name?
- Terry.
Terry!
What do you do for a living, terry?
- I'm a business analyst
- A business analyst
Fascinating
How the hell does that work?
Go to a business and go:
"You are in business"
- So where were we before this?
- Before this, we were in d.C.
Ah yes, washington d.C.
Doing a show in a theater.
A lovely theater.
About 5 minutes in the show,
i happen to look down.
Back where you're sitting dude, there was a guy.
Sitting right there where you are,
But he was facing that way.
And everytime i said something,
the guy went:
And i go: "hey buddy, what are you doing?"
And the guy goes:
It was a signer.
A sig ner
Think about this for a second...
they brought a bunch of deaf people to see a ventriloquist!
What?!
What's do you do next? Go take on the
blind folks to see david copperfield.
"The elephant disappeared"
"It just fucking disappeared"
Oh my god, he's juggling now!
You should see...oh, sorry!
What the hell were they thinking?
And as the show went on, this guy started to piss me off.
I've never actually seen myself talk before:
So now i thought: ok i'm gonna get even with this guy
and suddenly in the middle of the show, i went:
"He, stopsign, thank you, turn around, doing doing,
horseshoe, turtle, ughadigadigadiga."
And this poor bastard
is just signing away
All the deaf folks are like:
"What the hell is going on?"
"Our guy sucks"
And then the really screwed thing...
the guy went:
Off course, now he's just sitting there
All deaf folks are like:
"Come on!
What are we missing?!"
Sad part is...
this is all completely true.
We're going to hell, aren't we!?
Hop, here we are!
Oh check it out!
Look, look, look, look
- Are you ready?
There's something the new folks don't know.
Tell them what you are...
- Tell them your name
On a stick
- And your mexican?
I am cuban
I'm from florida
- I understand you guys had a good day today?
- Yes, we had a great day
- No we did not
- Yes
- No.
- Yes.
No, we did not have a good day
Yes, we gggave...
A great friggin day!
What?!
- Did you have a good day?
- Yeah
- No.
- Shut up.
- A good day?
- Yes
- No.
- Shut up.
- You're supposed to have taking him to the spa
- I took him to the spa
He put me in
the vegetable steamer
It's the same thing!
It's not the same thing!
It is too. It gets hot
and it gets steamy and then it goes:
Purple bastard!
Mexican condiment
- A condiment?
- I do not use them
- You don't?
- Neither did your mother
Oh, that is funny shit right there!
That is funny shit!
Wow! That was really good!
You gotta work on it a little though
- Why?
- Cos from here it sounded like
It came out of my ass
Now i have somewhere to put my stick
Oh yeah?!
Well your mother is a corndog!
On a stick!
What the hell is "gggappy"?
- Are you always happy?
- I'm not happy on halloween
What the gggell is wrong
with gggalloween?
There are no costumes on a stick
You could be a fudgesicle
- Did anything else happen today?
- No!
- Si
- Damn!
- What else happened?
- We were getting out of the car today
He slam my stick in the door
And now i have a sore stick
Peanut did you apologize?
- No.
- Why not?
Cos i couldn't breathe!
- Why couldn't you breathe?
- Because he was laughing too hard
Man, it was funny!
He looked like a hood ornament from taco bell!
- I think you just have to apologize.
- Alright, alright, alright
It's ok
I hope you die
Look, you're just gonna
have to be nicer to him
- Como estas usted?
- Muy bien
- Quieres algo de beber
- Pues si, bueno
- What are you doing?
- Well, don't do that
- Why not?
Well... it makes me feel...
left out...
What?!
I don't speak spanish
Picture if you will...
what makes you happiest in life?
- My bmw.
- He has a bmw.
Yeah, big mexican woman
On a stick!
- It's most nicer in the box
Wow dude!
I thought you were gonna drop him...
That would have been funny as hell...
on the floor
Do a little tapdance
and we got salsa!
- That's terrible!
- Not with the right kind of chips it's not
- It's ok
I kick his ass later
- I'll turn your ass into guacamole.
- Stop it!
I'll stir you with your own stick!
This is the way we stir the guac...
stir the guac...stir the guac...
- It's ok
Don't close the door
- Why not?
- The cockroaches
You have cockroaches in there?
One big one
On a stick!
- What?
- I need to come back out
You stay right there.
- What?
I need to come back oouut!
You can't come back oouut!
- What?
- I want to see the girls
- What girls?
- Any girls
- What makes you think they want to see you?
Its getting kind of racey out here, isn't it?
- No you can't sing
- I'm going to sing
You can't sing
You love me, you do
i give my stick to you
- On a stick
- What are you doing?
- I'm speaking japonese.
- You don't know japonese!
- Yeah i do: toyota.
Godzilla.
- That's not right
- You're right. It'll be: godzilla!
Stop it!
- What is wrong with you?!
- Too much starbucks. Coffee, coffee, coffee!
- You didn't have coffee before the show
- Ok, i admit... it was crack
No.
- You didn't do crack.
- Well then you did
- No.
- Are you sure?
Come on...
it feels like one of us did...
- Did you do crack before the show?
- No.
- During the show?
- No.
- After the show?
- No.
- When?
- Never!
- What?!
- I've never done crack.
- Are you sure?
- Yes
- Are you lying?
- No.
- See how angry you are?
- Yeah
It's the crack!
- There isn't any crack!
- Oh my god, he sold it all!
Will you please explain to everyone,
i don't abuse drugs
Ok.
- Come on, you gotta at least smoke weed?
- No.
- I don't smoke pot.
- Ever?
- No
- Never smoked pot?
- Never done drugs?
- No.
Then how the hell
did you come up with me?!
You're a sick man!
- Will you just tell them!
- Ok!
- Jeff does not abuse drugs
- Thank you
He's an alcoholic
That would be funny as hell,
a drunk ventriloquist
"Look, i can talk without moving my lips!"
- You should get drunk and go to a strip joint
- Why?
You would be throwing your voice
in places it should neeever come from
Some girl comes dancing up to the table
and everybody hears:
"Let me out!
It's dark in here!
- No coins please!"
- Oh stop it!
- You don't think that's funny?
- No.
- You're gay.
- No.
Gay, gay, gay!
You are gay!
- I have a wife and 3 kids!
- Oh! Good cover
You know what the gay folks
need that they don't have?
- A superhero.
- A gay superhero?
Gayman!
"Hi!"
"Here i come to save the day!"
"And i look fabulous!"
And when he flies,
his butt whistles...
"Look it's gayman!"
- "Don't turn your back on him!"
- Oh stop it!
Unless you have the lotion...
You guys, you've been a great audience!
Thanks so much for coming tonight!
- So sweet daddy, pretty good show huh?
- Yeah dog, whatever
- Let's count the till now
- Ok, but who are your friends?
My friends...yeah...
This one here is the limo driver...
And the other one is the...
Mechanic. In case the limo
breaks down on the way home.
Yeah, that's it!!
You are so fine
- Count the money dog!
- Alright
- Let me help you out here
- Ok.
One for you,
one for me...
And then one for my lady friend and
then another one for my other lady right here.
- Let's do it again now
- Are you sure?
This is all good,
this is all good!
One for you, one for me,
another for my ladies momma...
That's you at least potentially...
And then two for my other lady
friend right there
Wait a minute, this is supposed
to be coming out of your share
That's what we're doing...
we're all sharing
It's all good, you're gonna be big!
Trust me dog!
One for you,
two for me...
Three for my lady friend...
ah, this is all good!
We're gonna have so much fun!
We are gonna party...
And then i'm gonna take my clothes off...
And then we're gonna do some more...
This is your night and this is your time.
You're gonna put the smackdown on that crowd like 50 cent.
You're gonna get it crunk like usher.
Like the ushers?
Oh man, i gotta think white, think white...
- You mean: going to do well like toby keith.
- Huh?
- I think i get it.
- You're my man jeff.
Thanks sweet daddy.
Group hug?
What???
Uh...ok jeff.
You can put me down now...
We got a show to do.
They're waiting for ya.
Ah...shit
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome jeff dunham.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Alright!
Thank you
You are assuming way to much,
ladies and gentlemen
But thanks for coming out tonight.
I am happy to be in orange county.
I'm happy to be in santa ana.
My mother-In-Law had a dance studio.
She had this dance studio for 30 years.
She owned it and she ran it.
A few months ago, she was 4 days away
from closing the sail on the dance studio
She was gonna take the money, retire,
be independent and live out the rest of her life.
Then, the hurricanes came...
guess where my mother-In-Laws dance studio was?!
West palm beach,
florida.
Guess who's living with me
and my family now in los angeles??!!
I'll say it again: i am happy to be in santa ana.
Where is chris rock,
when you need the man?
In one house, it's me,
my wife, three little girls
..3 female dogs, 2 female rats
, 1 female fish
Now my mother-In-Law and
as a bonus, my sister-In-Law.
I am growing a uterus as we speak.
The only other male in the household,
is my golden retriever: bill.
And they had him neutered.
Oh, it's very sad. I came home
after being gone for about 5 days
I walked in the front door.
Bill is lying on the coach.
He looks up like:
"dude...
You're not going to believe
what they did to me...
"Run!"
Who is this?
Ladies, meet me in the green room!!
Well, our daughters are now 8, 10
and god forbid, 14 years of age.
Thanks for your sympathy.
My wife and i recognize that we are
living on the verge of hell.
Because from what i understand,
when woman live in the same house,
Apparently, god has a sense of humor.
Because eventually their biological time clocks synchronize
So i know when all my daughters get to be that age,
I'll be sitting on the phone with my agent
every 3 and a half weeks going:
"You gotta get me the hell out of here!!"
My office door will be locked and all i hear is:
"Daddy...
Let us in..."
Bill will be sitting next to me:
"don't open the door!"
Well, i know that some of you know
what's going on this evening.
I have little people in boxes and ahh...
I gotta tell ya,
the way security is at the airports nowadays
When you try and check in
with a small person in your luggage...
They stop ya.
Most airports nowadays have the sophisticated
equipment for checking your luggage
They are like big mris,
they can check the contents, the materials...
But some of the smaller airports, don't.
We all know burbank airport,
just north of here a few miles.
Don't have all the sophisticated stuff,
they still have to handcheck a lot of luggage.
I was in line, about 3 1/2 weeks ago,
early one morning, very crowded
And most people, when you get your
luggage handchecked, it's no big deal
They might pull out your underwear, like uhw..
But for me, they're pulling out dolls.
I told him not to
do that joke.
And i figured out the way they decide,
who's luggage they're gonna handcheck
It is a complete judgement call
on these guys parts.
They look at you and they decide and
apparently i look like a terrorist with a trunk.
Because as:"sir, i gotta take a look at that trunk".
I'm like: "uh crap, here we go!"
So he takes the big trunk and
he puts it on the top of the silver table
He opens it up and the first thing he pulls out
is one of my little guys: peanut.
You'll see him in a little while,
you know my little peanut.
But he pulls peanut out and he's like: "he."
And people in line are like: "hey!"
And i'm like "ohh..."
Now, they have these swabs and
they swab whatever it is they're looking at
They then take the piece of material,
they put it in the analyzer
It then checks to see if your stuff has come
into contact with anything dangerous.
Chemicals or whatever.
So the guy has peanut in one hand,
swab in the other
This is all true, it's too stupid to make up.
He could have swabbed peanut
on the head, on the foot...
No, in front of god and everybody,
he swabs his butt, just like that.
I know it's only a puppet...
but i work with the guy.
There's a relationship here!
And i'm sitting there watching this and
the first thing i find myself thinking is:
You sick bastard!
What the hell...?!
Why are you wiping my friends butt?
He then takes the swab,
puts it in the machine, shuts the door
I think we're finished.
We start to put things away....
Suddenly the little machine goes:
Three more guys come out,
they have me up against the wall.
They're checking my id,
they're doing a background check on the internet.
They're going through all my stuff,
takes 15 minutes.
Now we're finished
everything is fine.
Then we start to put things back
and then i start to think...
What the hell...
Was on peanuts butt...
That labelled me the potential terrorist?
This is all true and i asked the guy
and he goes:
Well, it's all in code on the computer.
Let's see.
He goes: "eh, that would be militairy grade
plastic explosives". And i go: "hehehe.."
"What???"
And he goes: "well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that..."
And i went: "haha!
No, there is no lotion on the puppets ass!"
I've been building bombs in my garage.
You caught me skippy!
Thanks for
straightening me out!
I don't ever want to go
through the burbank airport again.
There was only a small number of
these guys doing all the checking
I know the next time i'll go through,
they'll all be standing in a group
and one of them will point and go:
"There he is! There's the gay puppet bomber!"
"There's lotion on his puppets ass"
You two girls are twins right?
Ladies and gentlemen, i have a few guys
to introduce to you tonight
The first guy i met years ago
when i was still in college
And he's a vietnam war veteran
And he was a welder at the time.
He'd been married for many, many years
And he was just tired of being in the house
and wanted to get out
He saw what i did on weekends
He thought it would be fun just to
get up in front of people and just talk
Give his point of views
on all kinds of subjects.
So we tried it a few times,
i thought he was great
We've been a team ever since.
Please help me welcome my old friend: walter
Shut the hell up!
- Walter, you're happy to be here?
- Oh, overjoyed!
Last week, i was lying on a beach in mali
and i couldn't decide
Should i stay in hawai or go to friggin santa ana?
My god, i can die happy now!
- Fine city
- I don't give a damn
- What's wrong with you?
- I don't know
It's hot as hell outside,
my skin is a drie and itchy,
You put me in a sweater
Sure as hell, not gonna ask you for lotion.
- You know you don't have to do this
- Yeah, i can get a real job
- What would you do?
- I wanna be a greeter at wal-Mart
What the hell is so funny?!
At wal-Mart,
what would be your opening line?
Welcome to wal-Mart,
get your shit and get out!
Have a nice day.
- Anything else wrong?
- I don't know
My wife and i couldn't find any place to park
anywhere near this stinkin joint
And some jerk pulled up in a brand new mercedes,
goes right in the handicap spot.
He gets out of the car and
there's nothing wrong with him.
Don't you hate that?
So i ran his ass over.
I made an honest man out of him.
And his mother got out the other side,
started swinging her crutches at me.
Took her out with the door.
- Don't you feel kinda bad?
- Oh hell, ain't carpool
- Do you think the police didn't see ya?
- I ain't afraid of the cops around santa ana
- You seen some of these guys?
- What?
Cops on bicycles.
- What's wrong with that?
- How intimidating is this:
"Sorry buddy, pull it over"
What do they do when they arrest somebody?
"Alright, in the basket"
Yes ladies...
i wrote that joke.
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops.
They got playing cards in their spokes.
"Halt!"
- So your wife's in town?
- Oh, yeah!
- She's having a good time?
- She always has a good time
Pisses me off
- She's a lovely lady!
- She's gettin old
Well, women age like fine wine
She's aging like milk
- Did you guys get into another argument this morning?
- Yeah
- What happened?
- I don't know
She rolled out of bed,
jumped on her minstrel cycle
And ran my ass over.
Never heard it put quite that way before
Oh it even has a sound.
It goes:
Nag, nag, bitch, bitch
- How long have you been married?
- Uh, what is it now? 46 years
What was the happiest moment of your life?
47 years ago
- How long have you been married?
- 15 years
You'll see
- I'll see what?
- Remember when you said:
- "Till death do us part"?
- Yeah
Later, you'll realize
you're actually setting a goal.
- Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- It's like drinking a slurpy
First couple of sips are like:
"boy, this is really good. I'm glad i did this"
Then you keep drinking it,
goes right to your head and you go..
"What the hell was i thinking?!"
"Someone kill me please!"
But eventually it stops hurting
Yeah, but then you're stupid enough
to take another friggin sip.
- Ain't the same anymore is it?
- What?
Being married all these years.
You can't look at other women now.
You can't talk to them,
you can't do nothing.
- What are you talking about?
- I'll show you what i'm talking about...
See this lovely young lady
sitting right here in the front row
This gorgeous young thing?
- Do you see her?
- Yeah...
Oh well...
Only thing you can do now
is run to the end of your chain and bark.
Getting married is kind of
like buying a new car
You know when you see that car in the
showroom floor just before you take it home...
- Yeah..
- That is as good as it's ever gonna look
Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches.
Parts start to go bad.
Then the new models comes out
and then you're like:...
"Honey, can i just sit in it?"
No, remember?
- Walter, how's the love life?
- You mean sex?
- Yes
- I'm married, you morron!
- I'm too old too
- You're not too old
- How would you know?
- Well, i don't know, but i do know
I had grandparents who well into their eighties,
where still having fun.
Their eighties?
Good god...
What the hell kinda sex is that?
- "Was it good for you?"
- "I can't remember"
- "We just finished!"
- "Who are you?"
Are you trying to tell me there's nothing
sexually going on between you and your wife?
It's very difficult.
She gripes about everything.
Like what?
She said i don't make
the right noises during sex
- Sorry to hear that
- Wanna hear what i do?
No
- Alright, you talked me into it.
- Wait a minute...
Now be careful,
these are gonna be kind of pornographic
"Get off"
"I can't see the weather channel!"
"Get the hell off!"
Oh, now that's funny!
Wait, no it's not.
I know you know better than i do, but i mean
is there any kind of foreplay for you guys?
Foreplay?
At our age?
Yeah, it's come down to:
"hey, wake up!"
- You know what oral sex for us is?
- What?
She screams: "screw you!"
And i yell: "bite me!"
Come on walter, at your age,
how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?
Brise.
I don't know. My wife and i heard
that coffee's good for your sex life
Coffee?
Is it?
No, it kept me awake
through the whole damn thing.
I actually had to participate!
Doctor said it's bad for my heart too.
- Oh, the caffeine?
- No, seeing my wife naked
- That's awful!
- Oh, you seen her too?
So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
I don't know, but they're never gonna
let us go back into that starbucks again!
Well, we used the filter!
You know walter -Despite how you act-, i bet when
you were younger you were quite a ladiesman
I used to chase skirts all over the world.
- Really?
- Till i got to scotland...
And boy, was i surprised!
- So you had women everywhere?
- I even dated a girl in india
- Really?
- Lovely young lady. Weird ass country.
- What's wrong with india?
- I don't now
Most of the women got a red dot
in the middle of their forehead.
What the hell is that?
"You are here"
Maybe it lights up
when the coffee is ready?
Sorry
- "Scratch it off, you friggin win something!!"
- Will you stop?!
How about this: "hey looks like
she's videotaping me all the time!"
As everybody was coming in tonight, they were
given an opportunity or two to ask you a question
So before the show started, i grabbed a small handful.
I think you should answer them.
I don't give a damn
You pall here in the blue shirt, in the front row...
you filled one out?
Hello!
Did you fill one out?
Where are you going?!
Sit the hell down!
You bastard, this is tv!
What the hell?
Think he's gonna take a piss?
These are expensive tickets, extensive set-Up,
lot of production
Divide it all up, if he's gone for 3 minutes,
he's taking a 600 dollar piss!
Dumbass.
Is he coming back?
Ok
We'll wait.
- What's that guys first name?
- Mike!
Mike.
Dumbass.
- Are there speakers up in the bathroom?
- Yes
Oh mike!!
Whe are waiting for you, mike!!
Kinda of tough to go
with all this pressure isn't it, mike?!
Mike!
Get out!!
Mike's taking a long time...
Could be having trouble...
What does mike do for a living?
Transportations
He does transportation?
What the hell does that mean?
Medical transportation
Medical transportation?!
What the fuck is that?!
Welcome back, dumbass!
Mike, could you hear us in there?
Mike!
Somebody pull his string.
He's not talking.
Mike, could you hear us in there?
I could't hear it.
Well, we could hear you.
And you didn't wash your hands!
I don't give a damn
Back to you, asswhole.
I'm sorry, just kiddin around.
What is your first name, here in the blue shirt?
Nick.
Nick, what do you do for a living?
- I work in construction
- What kind of construction?
- I work with a general contractor
- With a general contractor
You're not the general contractor?
You work with one.
- So what is your title, nick?
- I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.
Framing and drywalling...
Got anything for that, dumbass?
You know nick, we got jokes for doctors
and lawyers and even trash collectors.
But the framing and drywalling guy...
Not in our arsenal of snatty come-Backs!
Now we're not gonna bother
going home and writing any
Cos hey...
what are the fucking odds now ?
I'm sorry
- It was nick right?
- Yeah
Nick and mike.
Mike and nick.
Dumbasses.
- Would you be nice to the crowd?
- I don't give a damn
- Some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't
- I don't give a damn
- Where is valerie...? What is it?
- What is it... ramney... ramsey...
- Valerie, where are ya?
- Right there
"Dear walter, how do you take
off ten years to look younger?"
Oh, me? That would be thompson's waterseal.
This is from milton: "dear walter,
my wife sits at home all day and won't work."
"How can i get her to get a job?"
Well milton, you're going to have to die.
That'll teach the bitch!
- Where is nick manos?
- Right here!
Nick!
Nick says: "dear walter,
you're looking a little frustrated."
"When is the last time you got laid?"
Oh crap, i recognize him.
That's our gay stalker!
I need medical transportation!
This is from steven: "dear walter,
could you please recommend a good proctologist?"
Tony whittier.
Oh, tony from whittier, california.
- Pay attention, idiot
- I'm sorry
"Dear walter, time and time again
i have filled out this sheet, 6 times."
"You never answer my question. What gives?"
- Let's skip that one
- Ok
This is from chris,
it's a girl chris
"Dear..."
you read this
"Dear walter, after 9 1/2 years my boyfriend
still hasn't 'popped' the question"
That says 'poop' the question!!
Chris, you need to learn to spell i think
How the hell do you 'poop' the question?
I guess you should
listen from the other end...
"Dear walter, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?"
What?!
I guess cos if they got too cold,
they'd poke a whole in the package.
New from the colonel:
"chicken and tits"
"Dear walter, what is one of jeffs
deepest darkest secrets?"
He has a sex blow up doll
- No i don't
- Yes you do
- No
- Yes and the sick part is...
He makes her talk...
- And boy, does she lie!
- Will you stop it!
"Dear walter, what was your
favorite toy as a child?"
Dirt
And we were happy
Kids nowadays, they have too much.
They got the internet, videogames, computer crap.
Hell they're even passing out condoms
in highschools, did you know that?
- Yeah
- Good god
When i was that age, we had to
walk 5 miles to get a condom
Up hill.
In the snow.
- With a boner!
- Oh stop it!
I threw this one away, cos
i thought it was kinda over the line
But i think we crossed that
a couple of times
- You read it
- Why?
- I just can't. You read it.
- Ok, i don't care
"Dear walter, why is it that i
gag when i brush my tongue,
But not when i give my boyfriend oral sex?"
Well obviously, your toothbrush is bigger
That's walter! There we go! Alright!
Thank you!
Thank you so much
And now ladies and gentlemen...
Folks, every once in a while, a fear in showbusiness
You feel the need to reinvent yourself.
Redo things.
Make the creative juices keep flowing
I felt not long ago,
it was time for me to do that
So i fired my current manager
and hired a new one.
He's actually here this evening and before i go
any further, he wanted to come out and say a few words
We are getting to know eachother,
he's getting to know my audiences.
I think you're really going to enjoy him,
because he's a smart guy. I really respect him.
Please help me welcome
my new manager sweet daddy d.
Well, it's about time.
These folks were waiting to see me...
- How are you doing sweet daddy?
- Oh no, it's not sweet daddy, it's sweet daddy d.
Well, i'm happy to call
you my new manager
I'm what you call a player
in a management profession.
Right.
P.I.M.P.
- You're a pimp?
- That makes you the hoe!
- I'm not a whore
- What do you do for a living?
- Make people laugh
- Make them feel good?
- Right
- You're the hoe
- That's not right
- Why do you do what you do?
Why? Because i enjoy it and it's
the best way i know to make money
You're the hoe!
Wait a minute, what if i said
i only do it because of the money?
You're the dumb hoe.
So what ideas do
you have for my career?
The first thing i gotta
do is school you in street
- Street?
- Word
- What?
- Word
What word?
What?
- You said: "word".
- Word
- What word?
- Oh snap, what the hell?
Dog, "word" is like:
"i heard that?"
- Heard what?
- Oh shit
Dog, you are not white.
You're neon white
You're so white,
you make barry manilow look like a brother.
- I like barry manilow.
- Are you gay?
No
I heard about the lotion.
- I'm not gay
- You're just white.
- Yeah
- It's all good
- Look, do you think this is gonna work between us?
- Let's make an analogy here...
If we were food...
I would be a fine summer wine
that would be divine anytime
- What about me?
- Every good wine needs a cracker!
That's funny shit right there!
You gotta laugh at that shit
We got a fine hoochy
momma right here
Hello??!!!
You're looking to go home
with some real wood?
You like it?!
I may be short, but it
ain't my feet holding me up
- Sweet daddy, what are you doing?
- Trying to find me some hoes, dog!
Hoes?
Oh you mean women!
Oh i got it!
Word!!!
Don't you ever do that again!!
I don't know what the hell that was, but
you just embarrassed the hell out of everybody
Even the white folks are sitting there going:
"what the fuck was that?"
You know us black folks got a saying
- Stay black
- Right.
- I got some advice for you
- What?
Stay white
I know a lot of white people
emulate the afro-American culture
- To make themselves seem cooler.
- Yeah, us black folks got a word for that...
- What?
- Irritating
So i'll say it again and it goes
for most everybody in this room
I'll stay black,
you stay white.
As for my mexican
brothers and sisters...
You learn english mothafuckers,
how bout that?
That's funny shit right there!
Oh lord, i'm glad
i'm going home in a suitcase
Look sweet daddy, who
are some of your other clients?
- I can't tell you that...
- Why?
- I gotta protect their anonymity
- Well...
Give us a hint then.
How bout some initials?
O.J.
Oh shit!
- So you have some athletes and former athletes?
- Oh, sure enough
- So you like sports?
- Oh yeah
I like sports,
lets talk about sports
What do you think about the
hockey strike we had not long ago?
The what...?
- You know, the hockey strike
- Oh yeah
Me and all the brothers were laying
around the hood everyday going:
"Oh lord, what do we do with no hockey?!"
"Thank the lord, we got nascar!"
Nascar, that's another
dumbass crack of sport!
- Nascar is very popular
- I know that, i just don't get it!
Lots of grown, white men going
500 miles, in a circle?!
What the hell?!
What kind of sleen half (?) Is this:
"look, they're making a left turn"
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
"Oh, they're making another left turn"
I wonder what's gonna happen next???
"Let's go to commercial, come back in 10 minutes,
You ain't gonna miss a fuckin thing!"
He is that the dude that walter was talking to?
Right there
I was talking to him
outside before the show
He was dissin me
on my threads
- Oh, he didn't like your clothes
- That's right
And he asks: "how come your name is sweet
daddy?" You know what i said to him?
Ask your momma!!
Don't get all up in my grill dog,
you know it ain't just me up here...
And if i'm not funny,
it's not my fault
- See dog, i'm kinda like coffee
- Coffee?
Yeah, before you experience my brown goodness...
i gotta go through a big ass white filter.
That's funny shit right there!
- So sweet daddy, do you like the audience here?
- I love your crowd...
But i feel a little bit outnumber...
Is there one other brother
in the house tonight?
Yo dog!
Run!
Start up the car, i need you
out back after the show!
It's like we're at a dwight yokum concert,
or some shit like that
Look sweet daddy, before you go...
why did you choose me as a client?
- Because you're safe.
- I'm what?
I gotta lot of clients ending up in jail and in trouble.
I don't see you putting your ass in jail anytime soon.
Nothing
Unless of course,
they make lotion illegal...
- Will you please drop the lotion?
- Ok, but i ain't picking it up anywhere near your ass!
That's sweet daddy d!
Thank you!
And now ladies and gentlemen,
how do we describe this next guy?
Pretty much just white, trash trailer park.
Please help me welcome, bubba j.
- How are you doing bubba j?
- I'm doing pretty good!
- Well, i'm glad you're here
- Yeah, i was fixin' to coming here
And i went out the
front door to come here
And i came here,
and i got here
And here i am!
So bubba j,
what does the j stand for?
My last name is junior.
- It's a good thing they didn't name you junior
- Yeah, that'll be dumb: junior junior.
That's my brothers name.
What have you been doing today?
I've been watching nascar
and drinking beer!
- That's your favorite sport
- Yeah, nascar is too!
Nascar is very hot right now.
I know, everybody loves nascar!
Well, sweet daddy says it's just
a bunch of guys driving in a circle.
I know, that's my favorite part
"They're making a left turn!"
It's a sport that's easy
to follow when you're hammered.
- I understand you got a new tattoo
- Yeah, i got another somewhere else...
That'll grow...
- Did you get it?
- They got it!
I'm tired of hearing that most
nascar fans drink too much.
- Cos it's not true?
- Oh no, it's true...
I'm just tired of hearing it.
Makes me thirsty for another beer
- Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?
- Yeah, but we have boxed wine...
Yeah, it's wine that comes in a box
It's great, cos if you had too much to drink,
then you got something to throw up in.
Bubba j, don't you
worry about your health?
- Huh?
- Your health...
- Like what?
- Your liver...
No
My last abduction
with the aliens took it.
- You think you got abducted by aliens?
- I don't think, i know!!!
They took me and they
stuck something in my butt.
And not in the good way...
When you go to a nascar race
and you party a lot,
Who is your designated driver?
What the fuck is that?
- Do you drive drunk?
- No officer!!
I'm practising
- Have you ever had an intervention?
- Yeah, and penicillin cleared her right of him
Stupid cousin
It was a second cousin!
That's a grey area
- Do you play any sports yourself?
- Does 'quarters' count?
No
- Do you got a drinking problem?
- No, i pretty much got it figured out
- What's your favorite beer?
- An open one
- And how do you know when you had too much?
- I run out
Have you ever been to an
alcoholics anonymous meeting?
A.A. Is for quiters
He, mister dunham, i was wondering...
what is it that you do for a living?
- I'm a comedian
- You are?
- You got one of them catch frases?
- Well you know i'm a ventriloquist
Oh, you don't eat meat?
What?
- Bubba j, are you married?
- Oh yeah
- Is your wife pretty?
- Yeah...
No
- What's the difference?
- The light.
- Where did you meet your wife?
- At the family reunion.
What?!
- Where was this family reunion?
- At the state fair.
Why don't you tell us about
the first time you saw your wife?
Alright
There she was...
- More?
- Yeah, more!
- Where was she?
- She was leaning against the ferris wheel..
Making it tilt...
Sunlight, glistening off her curlers...
Corndog in one hand,
a budweiser in the other.
My tattoo is growing!!
I went up to her and i said:
"young woman, you look more delicious
Then mayonnaise oozing
out of a spam sandwich."
And then she smiled...
What a tooth!
- So i guess you dated her a little while?
- Yeah, a little bit
- Then you proposed?
- No her daddy did that for me
- How did that happen?
- I was supposed to come and pick her up about 7 o'clock
One night, i got there at 7.30h
And her daddy was on the front
porch with his shotgun. He said:
"He bubba j, guess who else is late!"
I'm glad you're laughing,
somebody had to explain it to me.
I still don't get it
- So i guess you had the wedding at the church?
- Yeah
- Had the reception?
- At wal-Mart
- Wal-Mart?
- Yeah
- Why?
- Easier to return the gifts
We walked in the front door, some old
conger standing there and he goes:
He, welcome to wal-Mart,
get you shit and get out!
- Say goodnight bubba j.
- Goodnight!
I met this next guy many years ago,
also when i was in college.
He is not from the united states.
He's from a small micronesian island in the south-Pacific.
And he hopped a cruise ship,
i actually met him down in florida.
We met up, talked a little bit, i thought he was kinda funny.
We went on stage together a few times.
He's been in my act ever since.
Please help me welcome my buddy: peanut.
- How are you doing peanut?
- I'm doing pretty good. How are you?
- I'm fine
- That's good, that's goood, that's gooood!
- Well, looks like a pretty good crowd tonight
- You like it here?
Oh, i love coming here to uh, uh, uh....
This town right here!!
- Which town?
- This one
- Which is?
- The one we're in right now...
Peanut, where are we?
You don't know??
- I don't think you know
- I forgot
- You forgot?
- We go to see so damn many places, i forgot!
- Think about it for a second
- Alright, alright, alright...
Damn!!!
- The drive from the valley
- Was bad as hell...
- Traffic?
- Sucked like hell...
- Drivers?
- Angry as hell...
- And you?
- Were scared as hell...
- Parking here?
- Sucked more like hell...
- So?
- We're in hell!!
And these are our hellmates!
Think about it, next time somebody
tells you to go to hell: "come right here!"
- Where are we?
- I don't know!
Help me out,
help me out!!
Sorry
- I wrote it down for you
- Oh good, you wrote it down!
Ah yes! I love coming to...
Sa.
Nata a.
Na.
What the hell is that?!
Sa nata a na.
What is it a friggin indian reservation?!
What the hell?!
Sa nata a na.
It's santa ana.
"Santa ana".
Look i know i didn't finish school,
but that friggin says: "sa nata a na".
Dumbass
I will never blink
- They pronounce it: "santa ana".
- Well, they're wrong!
Sa nata a na.
- It's santa ana!
- Are you sure?
- Yeah
- Ok!
- You're happy to be here?
- What?
- You're happy to be here?
- Ohh, yes i am...
Just last week, i was lying in bed
and i woke up sobbing.
I will never be happy untill we return to...
Sa nata a na!
And now, we're here!!
Thank you for bringing me!
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
- And we're in a very nice theater
- Ok!
This town is great
It's a fine city!
Have you looked around?!
Holy crap!
It sucks!
- A lot of history in this city.
- Translated: "old as shit".
They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...
Polish a turd,
it's still a turd
- It's a fine city
- Ok!
Sorry!
- But the drive down here did suck
- Yes it did
It was in the 4 or 5 then the 5, holy crap!
Thank goodness we turned on the radio
and listened to the traffic report
- How much good did that do us?
- None what so friggin ever!
I hate the traffic reports.
They are a waste of time.
Let me do the traffic reports,
i'll save everyone a lot of time and money.
"He peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning,
there's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"
"It's eight o'clock in the morning!
Everyone left the house
at the same damn time
Back to you!
Call me back at 5.30,
i'll tell you the same thing
Only guess what?
They are going the other way!
You know what else pissed me off today?
Try using my cell phone
- Having trouble?
- Just like the stinkin commercials
"Can you hear me know? How bout now?
Or now? Now?"
You know what you don't hear in those commercials?
The other end of the conversation!
What a piece of shit!
You know what cellphone sex is?
"Can you feel me now? How bout now?"
Stop it!
This guy is not getting any of this. I've been
watching him the whole time and it's all going...
I'm just kidding buddy.
What's your name?
What is your name?
I'm fucking looking right at ya!
- Aren't i?
- I think so
Fix my eyes asswhole
It's hard to talk to somebody if
you're not looking right at them.
It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye.
You don't know which eye to focus on.
You're sitting there talking to them thinking:
"oh crap, should i be looking at that eye or that eye?"
Focus you morron!
What?!
- What if someone here has a lazy eye?
- I'll confuse them. Here i am. Here!
- You know what pesto is?
- Pesto is the stuff that goes on salades and pizza.
No, pesto. It's a magician with a harelip.
Pesto!
- What if somebody here has a harelip?
- Sorry!
Oh stop it!
Boy, what if they had a harelip and a lazy eye. Their really gone be: "fissed off"
Back to you dude
I'm kidding. You right here with
the blond hair and the glasses.
- What is your first name?
- Terry.
Terry!
What do you do for a living, terry?
- I'm a business analyst
- A business analyst
Fascinating
How the hell does that work?
Go to a business and go:
"You are in business"
- So where were we before this?
- Before this, we were in d.C.
Ah yes, washington d.C.
Doing a show in a theater.
A lovely theater.
About 5 minutes in the show,
i happen to look down.
Back where you're sitting dude, there was a guy.
Sitting right there where you are,
But he was facing that way.
And everytime i said something,
the guy went:
And i go: "hey buddy, what are you doing?"
And the guy goes:
It was a signer.
A sig ner
Think about this for a second...
they brought a bunch of deaf people to see a ventriloquist!
What?!
What's do you do next? Go take on the
blind folks to see david copperfield.
"The elephant disappeared"
"It just fucking disappeared"
Oh my god, he's juggling now!
You should see...oh, sorry!
What the hell were they thinking?
And as the show went on, this guy started to piss me off.
I've never actually seen myself talk before:
So now i thought: ok i'm gonna get even with this guy
and suddenly in the middle of the show, i went:
"He, stopsign, thank you, turn around, doing doing,
horseshoe, turtle, ughadigadigadiga."
And this poor bastard
is just signing away
All the deaf folks are like:
"What the hell is going on?"
"Our guy sucks"
And then the really screwed thing...
the guy went:
Off course, now he's just sitting there
All deaf folks are like:
"Come on!
What are we missing?!"
Sad part is...
this is all completely true.
We're going to hell, aren't we!?
Hop, here we are!
Oh check it out!
Look, look, look, look
- Are you ready?
There's something the new folks don't know.
Tell them what you are...
- Tell them your name
On a stick
- And your mexican?
I am cuban
I'm from florida
- I understand you guys had a good day today?
- Yes, we had a great day
- No we did not
- Yes
- No.
- Yes.
No, we did not have a good day
Yes, we gggave...
A great friggin day!
What?!
- Did you have a good day?
- Yeah
- No.
- Shut up.
- A good day?
- Yes
- No.
- Shut up.
- You're supposed to have taking him to the spa
- I took him to the spa
He put me in
the vegetable steamer
It's the same thing!
It's not the same thing!
It is too. It gets hot
and it gets steamy and then it goes:
Purple bastard!
Mexican condiment
- A condiment?
- I do not use them
- You don't?
- Neither did your mother
Oh, that is funny shit right there!
That is funny shit!
Wow! That was really good!
You gotta work on it a little though
- Why?
- Cos from here it sounded like
It came out of my ass
Now i have somewhere to put my stick
Oh yeah?!
Well your mother is a corndog!
On a stick!
What the hell is "gggappy"?
- Are you always happy?
- I'm not happy on halloween
What the gggell is wrong
with gggalloween?
There are no costumes on a stick
You could be a fudgesicle
- Did anything else happen today?
- No!
- Si
- Damn!
- What else happened?
- We were getting out of the car today
He slam my stick in the door
And now i have a sore stick
Peanut did you apologize?
- No.
- Why not?
Cos i couldn't breathe!
- Why couldn't you breathe?
- Because he was laughing too hard
Man, it was funny!
He looked like a hood ornament from taco bell!
- I think you just have to apologize.
- Alright, alright, alright
It's ok
I hope you die
Look, you're just gonna
have to be nicer to him
- Como estas usted?
- Muy bien
- Quieres algo de beber
- Pues si, bueno
- What are you doing?
- Well, don't do that
- Why not?
Well... it makes me feel...
left out...
What?!
I don't speak spanish
Picture if you will...
what makes you happiest in life?
- My bmw.
- He has a bmw.
Yeah, big mexican woman
On a stick!
- It's most nicer in the box
Wow dude!
I thought you were gonna drop him...
That would have been funny as hell...
on the floor
Do a little tapdance
and we got salsa!
- That's terrible!
- Not with the right kind of chips it's not
- It's ok
I kick his ass later
- I'll turn your ass into guacamole.
- Stop it!
I'll stir you with your own stick!
This is the way we stir the guac...
stir the guac...stir the guac...
- It's ok
Don't close the door
- Why not?
- The cockroaches
You have cockroaches in there?
One big one
On a stick!
- What?
- I need to come back out
You stay right there.
- What?
I need to come back oouut!
You can't come back oouut!
- What?
- I want to see the girls
- What girls?
- Any girls
- What makes you think they want to see you?
Its getting kind of racey out here, isn't it?
- No you can't sing
- I'm going to sing
You can't sing
You love me, you do
i give my stick to you
- On a stick
- What are you doing?
- I'm speaking japonese.
- You don't know japonese!
- Yeah i do: toyota.
Godzilla.
- That's not right
- You're right. It'll be: godzilla!
Stop it!
- What is wrong with you?!
- Too much starbucks. Coffee, coffee, coffee!
- You didn't have coffee before the show
- Ok, i admit... it was crack
No.
- You didn't do crack.
- Well then you did
- No.
- Are you sure?
Come on...
it feels like one of us did...
- Did you do crack before the show?
- No.
- During the show?
- No.
- After the show?
- No.
- When?
- Never!
- What?!
- I've never done crack.
- Are you sure?
- Yes
- Are you lying?
- No.
- See how angry you are?
- Yeah
It's the crack!
- There isn't any crack!
- Oh my god, he sold it all!
Will you please explain to everyone,
i don't abuse drugs
Ok.
- Come on, you gotta at least smoke weed?
- No.
- I don't smoke pot.
- Ever?
- No
- Never smoked pot?
- Never done drugs?
- No.
Then how the hell
did you come up with me?!
You're a sick man!
- Will you just tell them!
- Ok!
- Jeff does not abuse drugs
- Thank you
He's an alcoholic
That would be funny as hell,
a drunk ventriloquist
"Look, i can talk without moving my lips!"
- You should get drunk and go to a strip joint
- Why?
You would be throwing your voice
in places it should neeever come from
Some girl comes dancing up to the table
and everybody hears:
"Let me out!
It's dark in here!
- No coins please!"
- Oh stop it!
- You don't think that's funny?
- No.
- You're gay.
- No.
Gay, gay, gay!
You are gay!
- I have a wife and 3 kids!
- Oh! Good cover
You know what the gay folks
need that they don't have?
- A superhero.
- A gay superhero?
Gayman!
"Hi!"
"Here i come to save the day!"
"And i look fabulous!"
And when he flies,
his butt whistles...
"Look it's gayman!"
- "Don't turn your back on him!"
- Oh stop it!
Unless you have the lotion...
You guys, you've been a great audience!
Thanks so much for coming tonight!
- So sweet daddy, pretty good show huh?
- Yeah dog, whatever
- Let's count the till now
- Ok, but who are your friends?
My friends...yeah...
This one here is the limo driver...
And the other one is the...
Mechanic. In case the limo
breaks down on the way home.
Yeah, that's it!!
You are so fine
- Count the money dog!
- Alright
- Let me help you out here
- Ok.
One for you,
one for me...
And then one for my lady friend and
then another one for my other lady right here.
- Let's do it again now
- Are you sure?
This is all good,
this is all good!
One for you, one for me,
another for my ladies momma...
That's you at least potentially...
And then two for my other lady
friend right there
Wait a minute, this is supposed
to be coming out of your share
That's what we're doing...
we're all sharing
It's all good, you're gonna be big!
Trust me dog!
One for you,
two for me...
Three for my lady friend...
ah, this is all good!
We're gonna have so much fun!
We are gonna party...
And then i'm gonna take my clothes off...
And then we're gonna do some more...