Jeff Dunham: Beside Himself (2019) Movie Script

[rock music plays]
[announcer] Greetings, Dallas infidels.
Please welcome to the stage
Mr. Jeff Dunham!
[cheering and applause]
How you doin', Dallas?
[cheering and applause continue]
It is good to be back in my home state
of Texas.
[cheering and applause]
Wow, what a crowd. This is awesome.
So, I know a lot of you folks
are here on purpose this evening.
You knew what the show was,
you purchased the tickets.
Thanks for coming.
Some others were sitting at home,
going, "Ah, there's nothing on TV,
let's get drunk,
go to that puppet show."
Yes, I make a living talking to myself,
which means some forms of mental illness
actually pay off.
Oh, you're applauding at that.
You're a sick crowd. I like you already.
Now, before we get to the main event,
I want to talk to you a little bit
about boys and girls.
Now, when my girls
were tiny, little babies,
I had friends and family
coming to me, saying,
"Okay, you've done a fine job
with little babies.
We just want to warn you
what's coming next."
I said, "What's that?"
"The terrible twos and horrible threes."
I said, "Really?"
"Oh, yeah, the toddler years.
You're doing a good job,
but it's going to get tough.
It's not gonna be easy,
your life is never gonna be the same.
Hang on and good luck."
And guess what happened?
Everything was fine.
I swear. I have no earthly idea
what everybody was talking about.
It wasn't until they turned,
like, 12 or 13
that Satan came down,
entered their bodies...
Nobody warned me about this.
I walked in their room one morning,
"Good morning, girls."
[growling and snarling]
They'd come home from school,
"How was your day?"
[crying] "Stop talking to me like that."
"I'm sorry, would you like a carrot?"
"Why, are you saying I'm fat?"
"I'll be in the garage with the dogs.
They like me more. Bye."
This kept up for a few years.
Then they started turning
17, 18 years of age.
And then, apparently, Jesus came down,
killed the three Satans...
...and my daughters were back.
That happened like this.
I'd be like, "Uh, good morning, girls."
"Oh, good morning, father.
May we have money."
Satan was cheaper.
But Audrey and I got married
six years ago...
And, uh, what's a good hand
in the game of poker? A full house.
What's a full house?
Three of a kind, two of a kind.
I have three girls. Well...
Almost four years ago,
Audrey gave birth to twin boys.
Thank you very much.
[cheering and applause]
And yes, I know when my boys
graduate from college,
I'll be 75 years of age.
It's fine. It's great.
But now, these same people
who warned me about my girls,
have now come to me
and said, "Guess what?"
"Okay, you got through the girls.
We just want to warn you
about what's coming now.
Little boys are way more difficult
than little girls.
Good luck."
You know what I said back to them?
I said, "You know what?
You were wrong about my girls.
You're gonna be wrong about my boys.
It's the parenting.
Apparently, you did it wrong."
And, come on, they're kids.
How much more difficult
could little boys be from little girls?
Holy shit.
It's not funny. You know what I have
in my house right now?
Two tiny psychopath terrorists.
That's what I have.
And it's worse for me,
because Achmed lives there.
He's teaching them stuff.
I've got a freaking clan
under my own roof.
-I'm not kidding. They tear things up,
they tear things down,
they broke the washing machine,
they smashed our blender.
They're already downloading porn.
I don't know how that happened.
And little Jack's a runner.
He runs all the time for no damn reason.
We can't take him
in the front yard anymore.
There's no bird, no plane,
no car, no dog, no ball...
He just runs.
He's like Forrest Gump on crack.
[cheering and applause]
Audrey and I are alcoholics now.
We didn't used to drink very much,
but we do now.
You know the saying,
"It's five o'clock somewhere?"
That did not come from alcoholics.
That came from parents with toddlers.
I got to tell you, giving a toddler a bath
is much more fun when you're hammered.
[Jeff chuckles]
But I want to tell you what happened
one particular evening.
This was a big night.
Audrey was giving the boys their bath.
She'd just finished scrubbing down
little James.
She turned to little Jack
to scrub him down.
Before she knew it,
James had jumped out of the bathtub
and ran in the bedroom.
James is stark naked, soaking wet,
running in circles and screaming.
It's fun. I know because I taught him.
Audrey turns to Jack and says,
"Jack, stay right here.
Mommy will be right back."
She goes in the bedroom,
there's little James.
She scoops him up,
starts to head back to the bathroom.
I'll stop the story right here.
As we raise our children,
there are certain benchmarks
and milestones
that we look forward
to our children achieving.
One of those milestones
is the first word.
Well, after having five kids,
I've realized that the first word,
to me, is not that important.
Because it could be them
just imitating a sound,
parroting a sound.
To me, what's more important
than the first word
is the first sentence that they form
all on their own.
That, to me, is the most important.
Well, I'm very happy
that this particular evening,
both of my boys spoke
the exact same sentence
almost at the exact same time.
Audrey had little James in her arms
and was heading back to the bathroom.
Little Jack was in that bathtub.
She heard little Jack
say his first sentence.
She said the words
were enunciated perfectly,
she understood him very clearly.
Here's what little Jack said
from the bathtub, all by himself:
"Eww, poop."
She goes in the bathroom.
There's little Jack standing up
in the middle of the bathtub
in the six inches of water,
pointing down to the newly-formed
floating turd boat.
Jack sees mommy come in,
his face lights up.
He points and says it again,
this time with glee.
"Eww, poop!"
James hears this, he turns around,
he sees the turd boat, his face lights up.
He says it, too.
"Eww, poop!"
Audrey's horrified,
she quickly cleans up the boys,
throws them in bed,
quickly cleans up the bathtub,
heads downstairs, starts drinking.
I get home the next day,
we go about our daily business.
Two mornings later,
I wake up with pink eye.
For those of you who have no idea
how these two stories are related,
let me explain it to you.
So two mornings later, I wake up,
I can't open my eyes.
My eyes are crusted and gooed shut.
It's disgusting.
Audrey walks in and she goes,
"Oh, my God, you have pink eye."
I said, "What's pink eye?"
She goes, "That!"
I go to the doctor.
I'm sitting in the chair.
He takes one look.
He goes, "Oh, Mr. Dunham,
you have pink eye."
I said, "What's pink eye?
He goes, "That."
I said, "How'd I get pink eye?"
"I don't know. It's very contagious.
But I'm-- I'm pretty sure
that you got it from your boys."
I said, "My boys don't have pink eye.
I didn't get it from them.
-How else do you think I got it?"
-He goes, "Oh, no, Mr. Dunham,
uh, this type of-- of pink eye
is contracted by contact with poo.
[laughter continues]
I said, "Doc, let me rephrase
what you just said.
Did you just tell me I got shit in my eye?
And he said, "Yes, Mr. Dunham,
if you want to put it that way,
you got shit in your eye."
I said, "Doc, I did not
get shit in my eye.
I'm a very clean person."
He goes, "It doesn't matter what you did.
Here are the drops. Go home, goodbye.
I went home. I walked in the door.
-Audrey said, "What happened?
-I said, "I got shit in my eye."
She said, "Why'd you do that?
I go, "I didn't do it on purpose!"
Third story, somewhat related.
We have a Jack Russell Terrier
named Buddy.
Anybody who knows anything
about that breed of dog
knows that it's a badass mofo dog.
He isn't afraid of anything,
well, except one thing...
My boys.
And we have no idea
where this fear came from.
But one morning, we noticed it.
We hear the boys come
toddling down the stairs...
Buddy sat up, actually said, "Oh, shit,"
and ran out the door.
I said, "What was that?"
Audrey goes, "That was weird.
It's like Buddy's afraid of the boys."
I said, "That's odd."
We taught the boys
how to treat God's little creatures.
How to pet Buddy, how to talk nice to him.
But Buddy would not let those boys
get anywhere near him.
It went on for six weeks.
Couldn't figure it out.
Until I saw it happen.
Apparently, one of my boys,
and I won't tell you which,
thinks it's really funny
to stick his finger in Buddy's asshole.
And that's how I got pink eye.
[Jeff laughs]
Well, that's my life.
You guys ready for the little people
in the boxes?
[cheering and applause]
You know the people who are always
looking for the bright side
of everything in life?
Well, this first guy is not one of those,
and we all know someone just like him.
Please, help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
Oh, shut the hell up.
[laughter and cheering]
-How are you, Walter?
-Who the hell cares?
-No, wait, I take that back.
Everything is awesome.
I'm suing someone for sexual harassment.
And who would you sue
for sexual harassment?
-My wife
-Your-- your wife?
But, she's your wife.
I know, and I realize
I could have avoided all this years ago
with one simple word:
"I do... not."
-You ever think like that?
-No, my wife's an angel.
Oh, you're lucky. Mine's still alive.
But again, you two still
actually love each other.
Yeah, but it may have changed a little bit
over the years.
-How's that?
-I used to say
I'd jump in front of a bus
to save her life.
-Now, I think I'd just yell.
[calmly] Hey!
Three, two, one...
[calmly] Look out!
And about that timing, too.
[Jeff laughs]
And what would she do
if the roles were reversed?
Oh, she'd shove my ass
right in front of the damn bus.
And then she'd have them stop
and go back and forth
just a few times for good measure.
So what do you think is the biggest
problem in your marriage?
-Everything is my fault.
-But it's not.
Oh, she is very convincing.
Last week, I found myself
apologizing to her
after she rear-ended a guy at a stoplight.
-How is that your fault?
-I have no freaking idea.
I was taking a nap...
[Jeff chuckles] our house.
Women can make us admit the stuff
we had nothing to do with.
Well, it's some kind of magical power
that women have over us.
I call it "vagina voodoo."
Sorry, guys, but that's stronger
than any kind of penis power.
But Walter, despite these questionable
points in your relationship,
you'd never actually do anything
to hurt your marriage or your wife.
-Oh, no, no, no, of course not.
However, Achmed has offered.
For a fee.
[chuckles] Walter...
-I'm kidding.
He's a friend. He'd do it for nothing.
I just hope no one tries to sue me
for sexual harassment.
Oh, could there be a problem?
I don't know. Do you remember if I've done
anything that could be a problem?
No, but I don't know what you do
when I'm not around.
You really need to see somebody
about this soon.
It's getting worse every year.
Do you know he goes to group therapy
all by himself?
And on this sexual harassment subject,
what have you done that's wrong?
Me? Nothing.
Oh, really?
You want to tell everybody
what happens on the tour bus
after every single show?
The tour bus?
Yeah, we get on the tour bus,
then he strips down naked
and takes a shower
while we just sit there.
Think about it.
We're speechless!
And we can't move!
[cheering and applause]
It's like he's slipped something
in our drinks.
Oh, no, you're just like Bill Cosby.
Are you two related?
No, yeah, yeah.
[imitating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.
I bet you really are a pervert.
-A pervert?
Yeah, you ever asked a woman to watch
while you worked a puppet?
I really didn't think
that wording through, did I?
-No, you didn't.
-Sorry about that.
-It's okay.
-That's funny as hell, though.
-What is?
Your new talking willy.
-Please stop.
-"Hey, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing pretty great, yay!"
-"Aww, what's wrong, little fellow?
You look down.
Come on, why so blue?"
Walter, you realize
I try and keep this show PG-13-ish?
Well, we're well into the "ish."
Anyway, Walter, the folks here tonight
sounded happy to see you.
Well, thanks for that.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Hey, you finally got your star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, didn't you?
-I did. Thank you.
-[cheering and applause]
[Walter chuckles]
Yeah, you don't talk about that much.
-I love this.
-Hey, Jeff, tell everyone
where your star is
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
-Is it in front
of the magnificent,
historic Hollywood Theater?
-Is it in front
of some famous, expensive
Hollywood restaurant?
-Come on. Tell 'em where it is.
-Well, it's in front of--
-It's in front of a CVS Pharmacy!
How great is that?
Now I can go look at your star,
then go inside and get something
for my jock itch.
Or your pink eye.
Is that gone yet? You still got that?
Is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butthole?
-[scoffs] What?
-You know, I showed him how to do that.
But I admit, I did it first.
-Why did you do that?
-I didn't mean to.
He dug his nose in my crotch
one too many times.
-The dog, not your son.
But why?
Well, my hand shot out to stop him,
but he did a quick 180 and--
Yeah, you got pink eye,
and he got pink ass.
You know, Walter, I forgot to ask earlier,
what sexual harassment
are you suing your wife for?
Oh, she didn't like the noise
I made during sex.
-Okay, that's too much information.
-Want to hear the noise she didn't like?
-No, we don't.
-[clears throat]
-"Get off, I'm tired."
-You hurt her feelings.
She hurt my back.
-That's terrible.
-And it has been for years.
-No, I mean, you're terrible.
-She's said that to me for years, too.
So, you're saying the sex is bad?
-It didn't used to be.
No, it was great.
When we were young, it was like...
I mean, it was like, I don't know...
It was like jumping in a new car
and taking it for a ride.
You know, pushing buttons
and twisting knobs.
You get it? It's an analogy, dumbass.
We get it.
And that new car smell.
Whoo! Whoo!
-Good Lord.
Slow down, or we'll get
to where we're going too fast,
if you know what I'm saying.
But now, almost 50 years later,
it's like getting in that same damn car,
and you barely make it down
the effing driveway.
You get to the point
you don't even want to warm her up.
Sometimes, you've got to choke it.
But usually, I don't even want
to pull it out of the garage.
-I don't know what that means.
-They do.
And she does not like reverse.
Yes, these well-disguised jokes
are how we keep our show family-friendly.
[cheering and applause]
I can hear that later,
"Daddy, what's wrong with reverse?"
"I don't know, ask your mother."
And son, be careful,
because in that gear,
there is risk of backfiring.
Say goodnight, Walter.
Thanks, Dallas!
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
Ladies and gentlemen,
our country is divided right now.
And it's divided like none of us
have ever known.
It's not funny. It's not fun.
It's ugly.
So, what is a comedian to do?
I don't want to cause division.
I don't want to pick sides...
[cheering and applause]
But you can't ignore
the elephant in the room.
So, I've thought about this real hard.
And no matter
which side of the aisle you're on,
it's kind of an interesting thought:
What could be the worst possible job
to have in the White House right now
under Donald Trump?
Well, you've never heard of him,
but he's here this evening.
He kind of works in the shadows.
Please help me welcome
the personal advisor to Donald Trump,
my new friend, Larry.
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
-How are you doing?
-[screaming] What?
-How are you doing?
-I'm fine! I'm fine!
Everything's fine! It's all going great!
It's all really good! [laughs maniacally]
-Your name's Larry.
-Yep. Larry, just frickin' Larry.
Just Larry, Larry, Larry!
But sometimes he calls me "Bob."
But it's not "Bob."
It's not freaking "Bob."
It's just "Larry."
And you're referring to President Trump?
Oh, my God. Is he here? Where?
-No, he's not here.
-Oh, okay.
Uh, that would have been shocking.
-If he were here?
-Because he didn't tweet about it first.
He never stops!
I can't leave him for a second.
I turn my back, and he's tweeted again.
He does it from the Oval Office,
the front lawn, the back lawn,
the side lawn, the lawn-lawn,
the kitchen, and the toilet!
Do you know how many times
I've begged him
to stop the toilet tweeting?
Oh, look, everybody agreed on something.
[cheering and applause]
Kum ba yah, my Lord
[Jeff] So, you don't really help him?
Actually, one time I tried to help him
by stealing his phone.
-[Jeff] What happened?
-His hair attacked me.
-His hair?
-It's alive.
Do you have any influence
on what the president tweets?
Are you kidding? I'd have better luck
convincing Walter to stop passing gas.
[Walter] It's not gonna happen!
Did that come out of your ass?
You need to work on that.
-Sounds like your ass is talking.
So, Larry, how long have you worked
for the president?
About four hours.
He hired you four hours ago?
Well, he fired me before breakfast,
then rehired me after lunch.
-Have you heard of Taco Tuesdays?
-Trump has Firing Fridays.
And what does Melania say
when people get fired?
"Take me with you."
Do you think it's true there might be
a problem in Trump's marriage?
Oh, no, no, he just went through
a Stormy patch.
[audience] Oh!
Ah, screw you, that's a good joke!
And-- and what is your exact
job title again?
Personal Advisor to the President.
-You advise the president?
[inhales] I try. I swear to God, I try.
-How's that going for you?
-Look at me!
-You're a little stressed out.
-Oh, you think? [laughs maniacally]
-It's not lit.
-No, but I am.
So, Larry, how do you deal
with the stress of this job?
That's not good.
-No, not these.
Trump overheard me say,
"Let's go smoke some Camels."
-Next thing I know, we're bombing Syria.
I wrote that one.
Can you explain the latest set of tariffs
from the past few weeks?
Oh, well, um...
All right.
-Anything else we should know about Trump?
-Ooh, yeah. [clears throat]
President Donald Trump
is the best president
this country's ever had.
-That's a fact.
-[Jeff] Mmm.
[cheering and applause]
And where did you get that fact?
From President Donald Trump!
No, seriously, the president's
actually doing really well,
but you wouldn't know it if you listened
to the folks on the other side.
-[man] Yeah!
-Y-You mean the Democrats?
Actually, I meant Mexico.
And, as you know, 70 billion dollars-plus
and Mexico is supposed
to pay for that wall.
-You don't think it's gonna happen?
-Why not?
-There is not a calculator in the world
that can convert 70 billion dollars
into frickin' pesos.
We tried, but the calculator melted.
See, the peso isn't worth anything.
I-It's like a million pesos to the dollar.
Too many digits for the calculator.
I think the math folks are in the back.
I'm sorry.
So, Larry, how do you think
the majority of Americans
feel that Trump is doing as president?
I don't know, it depends
on what network you're watching.
-Oh, yeah.
If you're watching CNN or MSNBC,
Donald Trump is Satan
and the end of the world is near.
If you're watching Fox,
The Russians didn't interfere
with the election.
No, Moses and Jesus rigged that sucker.
Well, Larry, you know,
my opinion on Trump--
Keep quiet.
If you say anything good or bad
about the president,
half the folks in this room
are gonna hate your ass.
Plus, no one cares
what you celebrities think.
Just because you're famous
does not mean you're smart.
No one effing cares.
[cheering and applause]
And that's Larry, The Trump Adviser.
Thank you!
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
Now, for our next guy,
straight from his home
parked out back,
please help me welcome, Bubba J.
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
[Bubba laughs]
How are you doing, Bubba J?
I'm doin' purty good.
So, anything fun
been happening lately to you?
Uh, did you hear about the costume party
we had at the trailer park last week?
I did. Yeah, now, is this an annual event?
No, but we have it every year.
I scared the crap out of everybody
with my costume.
-Oh, what were you dressed as?
-The landlord.
I see.
That costume party
is always a big date night, too.
-A date night?
-Yeah, and it works out great,
because if you're wearing a mask,
you can't tell if you're related.
Oh, yeah, they get it.
Any other fun activities
at the trailer park?
Well, once a month, we have a contest
called "Guess the Father."
-That's terrible.
-No, it's not.
It's fun to walk around going,
"Come on. Who's your daddy?"
Anyway, any plans while we're in town?
Is prostitution legal here?
-Achmed said we should hire a hooker.
Bubba J, what about your wife?
Oh, she doesn't work Dallas.
Hey, speaking of being drunk,
is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butt?
I was standing there watching.
I kept saying, "That ain't right."
But I was drunk off my ass,
so it was funnier than hell.
And whoo, the noise that dog made...
I'm sorry to hear about your pink eye.
I have wandering eye.
I could scare the crap
out of your little boys.
-Come on.
-"Whoa, look what your daddy did to me!"
Bubba J, would you do that
to poor little Jack and James?
[laughs] Yeah.
I like that picture of all your kids.
-You should call that your saltine photo.
-Why is that?
-It's all your crackers.
You know, Bubba J, to some people
that word is very offensive.
I know, that's why everybody else
is laughing.
-That's the way this comedy stuff works.
-How's that?
Well, you say something
that makes a few uptight a-holes mad,
but all the normal folks
who heard the same thing are like,
[cheering and applause]
Hey, is your beautiful wife Audrey
here tonight?
No, she's not, Bubba J,
but thank you for the compliment.
-And is your beautiful wife here tonight?
-The adjective did not go with the noun.
You're saying your wife is not beautiful?
Well, like today,
I've had an awful lot to drink...
-And it's still no.
-So, how did you meet your wife?
-Oh, on a dating website?
Bubba J...
Well, it was better than
when I accidentally tried
[laughter and startled gasps]
I felt bad swiping left on my own sister.
But I actually had to swipe twice
to get all of her off the screen.
Bubba-- [laughs]
Bubba J!
Okay, it was more than twice.
Swiping, swiping,
swiping, swiping, swiping.
But my sister's uglier than my wife.
-Come on.
-Well, she looks like me.
-Oh, come on, do you think you're ugly?
-Well, no.
-Well, that's good.
-But if I was a girl, hell, yeah.
I've got to say, though,
there's nothing wrong with being ugly,
but my sister has got it down.
On a scale of one to ten...
D'aww, I can't do fractions.
How far apart in age
are you and your sister?
-We're twins.
-Identical twins.
Well, wait, you can't be identical
if you're a different sex.
-A different sex?
You mean like when my wife wants to use
stuff from my toolbox?
Oh, come on, you know
women had cordless power tools
long before men did.
[cheering and applause]
And when she says she loves
her Double D's...
-She's talking about batteries.
I got it.
Bubba J, different sex means you're male
and your sister's female.
Oh, right, wiener and wiener-free.
Hey, I was thinking about this.
Since a guy has a wiener,
does that mean that technically
he could not be a vegan?
Oh, wait, my preggo sister
can't be vegan either.
Why not?
[chuckles] Hey, Sis, got milk?
So, this is the unmarried,
not-so-pretty sister?
-Does she have a boyfriend?
-How'd she get pregnant?
She's so stupid,
when she robbed a bank...
Turns out it was a sperm bank.
Bubba J, how do you...
how do you rob a sperm bank?
Well, you start by telling everybody
to put their hands up.
Yeah, that's a thinker, right there.
-I guess so.
You can see some folks
explaining it to the other ones.
[Bubba laughs]
"Daddy, Mommy gave birth to me, right?"
"Yeah, but I had a hand in it."
Bubba J, do ever do anything
to help other people?
-Like what?
-You ever given blood?
-I gave blood once.
-That's good.
Six folks died of alcohol poisoning.
Have you been to the doctor lately?
Yeah, but the doctor's always
trying to get me to cut out stuff
like alcohol, fried food, and sugar.
Okay, so what'd you cut out?
-That doctor.
-You ever been to one of those groups?
-What groups?
The ones where everyone
has drinking and addiction issues.
Oh, you mean like a family reunion?
Bubba J, you're an alcoholic.
-You say that like it's a bad thing.
What is good about "I'm an alcoholic"?
You forgot to say your name.
It should be, "Hi, I'm Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.
And then we all go, "Hi, Jeff."
-Bubba J--
Let's try it all together.
"Hi, I'm Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic."
Now, everybody.
[audience] Hi, Jeff.
See? We're all here for you.
Say goodnight, Bubba J.
Thanks, Dallas!
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
He's purple, he's wacky...
[cheering and applause]
And he's not wearing pants.
Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut.
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
-[Peanut laughs]
-How you doing, Peanut?
-Doing pretty good. How about you?
-I'm fine.
[stuttering] That's good!
And with me here now,
I want to tell everyone
that we are not gonna talk
about politics anymore.
-No! You did that enough with Larry.
-But with me, no more!
No talking about race, religion,
border stuff, sexual orientation,
None of that!
-And we should judge
not by skin color or anything else,
but by character and actions.
-Sounds good.
[cheering and applause]
-Unless, you are what you are.
-What's that?
-An older white male.
What's wrong with that?
Dude, you guys suck.
Everything bad that's happening
is your fault.
-What is?
-All of it!
What happened to not judging someone
by their skin color?
Of course you can't judge by skin color.
-Unless you're an old white dude.
-You're going to hell.
Are you doing anything
to make this world a better place?
I make folks laugh.
No, I make folks laugh.
[cheering and applause]
You are just my caddie.
Caddie? And what am I carrying?
-Me, in the suitcase.
-Uh, hang on.
-What happened?
-This came loose.
What the... What the fuck
are you doing over here?
-What came loose?
-A little technical problem. Hold on.
-What the hell?
What are you doing?!
-This came loose.
-What came loose?!
What the hell is that?
That's how I work your arm.
Is that a stick?
-[laughs] Yeah.
Wow, I guess Jos and I
have a lot more in common than I thought.
Wait, look, I can do an impression
of a monster.
Oh, shit, I got pink eye.
[laughter and applause]
Hey, is your son still sticking his finger
in the dog's butt hole?
You should have heard
the noise that dog made.
[high-pitched bark]
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it.
-[high-pitched bark]
[high-pitched barking]
Stop it.
Who is that? [barks]
-Stop it!
He's walking away.
[continues barking]
-Look out, here he comes! [screams]
-Stop it!
-What if that becomes your son's thing?
Sticking his finger
in an animal's butt for fun?
-Think of the other animals.
A cow...
A chicken...
A guy who doesn't mind...
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff. Am I harassing you...
[laughter continues]
Oh, that's hot.
-Stop it.
That sexual harassment stuff's
getting pretty bad.
-Yes, it is.
-What's gonna come out about you?
Me? Nothing.
-Oh, I don't know.
A bunch of other comedians
you worked with, coming forward.
"He made his voice come out of my butt."
"And it gets worse. He made it echo."
[echoing] "Asshole, asshole,
asshole, asshole..."
Peanut, I want to remind you of something.
-I should remind myself, too.
Well, when I stepped out of the spotlight
to get you,
I-I could see more of the crowd
than earlier.
There's a few more younger folks
here this evening than I realized.
-So, considering the way things are today,
we might want to consider, uh,
using the appropriate language.
Oh, okay. So, we're gonna do
the rest of the show in Spanish.
[cheering and applause]
That's not exactly what I meant.
Oh, we could tweet the whole thing
in Spanish.
Well, tweet... tweet...
-You all right?
-I'm fine. [laughs]
-What the hell was that?
-I don't know.
That was really weird. It's like
you had a stroke there for a second.
Hey, how come me and the other guys
all speak perfectly,
but you keep screwing up?
Dude, it's like you had a stroke,
and then you stuttered.
Oh, now that would be funny as hell.
A stuttering ventriloquist?
We would never get anything done.
You couldn't even get out
the most basic of jokes.
[stuttering] Kn-Knock, knock.
Kn-Knock, knock.
Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock,
kn-knock, knock.
Kn-- Kn-Knock, kn-knock, knock.
Kn-- kn-knock-- kn-knock--
kn-knock-- kn-knock--
Answer the fucking door!
[cheering and applause]
I'm sorry.
[laughter and applause]
-The cursing.
-Oh, damn.
Crap. Fuck. Sorry!
-Like I said, there are kids watching.
-I got it.
don't say "fuck"...
[cheering and applause] home.
Even at school,
where you learned it in the first place.
Will you...
[cheering and applause]
Peanut, I just want
to note something here.
You do know you lost a shoe?
-Y-You lost a shoe.
No dude, I found one.
What the fuck happened?!
It's not funny!
And why?!
Are you high?
-Then you should practice more often.
This is not that hard.
Just move your hand and hang on.
Oh, was it the lotions?
-I got it!
What do you call that,
a ventriloquist fumble?
-Pff-- [laughs]
Seriously, who does that?
You threw your doll.
You're like a kid with emotional problems.
You talk to yourself
and you throw your fucking doll!
Do your boys watch our shows?
Yes, they do.
-Do they say curse words?
-No, they don't.
They will now.
The cool part is, they'll say the F-bomb,
but when they do,
they won't move their lips.
That's awesome.
You'll be at a parent-teacher conference,
"Sir, Mr. Dunham,
your sons are cursing in class."
And then you'll be like,
"Did they move their lips?"
And the teacher will say, "Well, no."
And then you'll go,
"Then how the fuck do you know?"
Oh, no, wait! It'll be...
"Then how the fuck do you know?"
[cheering and applause]
-Say goodnight, Peanut.
-Thanks, everybody!
[cheering and applause]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a second!
-You know who I haven't seen in a while?
-That's right.
[cheering and applause]
Jos, the jalapeo on a stick.
Come to think of it,
I haven't seen him much
since Trump was elected.
You going to get him out?
Well, you know, Peanut,
in today's politically correct climate,
there are a few people
who think it's not okay
for me to even be talking to Jos.
[audience chanting] Jos! Jos! Jos!
-Jos! Jos! Jos!
All right, hang on. Hang on.
There were some serious discussions,
and I think I treat Jos with respect.
And, uh...
I say we take a vote.
-Hell, yes.
[cheering and applause]
Okay, here we go.
Who does not want to see Jos Jalapeo
and thinks we should not have him
in the show?
Okay, then who does want to see
Jos Jalapeo out here tonight?
[cheering and applause]
[Jeff laughs]
Well, if this was being reported,
like one of many
of the news outlets today,
they would say that was really close.
I guess Jos is in.
He's actually right here.
Check it out.
Look, look, look, look, look!
[cheering and applause]
Are you ready?
S, seor.
Okay, for the folks who might not know,
tell them who you are.
-My name Jos.
-Jos what?
Jos Jalapeo...
-...on a stick.
[cheering and applause]
Jos, Peanut thinks you've been hiding
because you're frightened of Trump.
No, seor. I was stuck in the trunk
because idiot Walter
built a wall in there.
-Walter built a wall in the trunk?
So, when you close the trunk,
it's like shutting down the border.
[Walter laughing]
-Dude, is your ass laughing?
You've got pink eye and laughing ass.
-[high-pitched bark]
-Stop it!
You're so cute when you're angry.
Jos, you told me earlier today
you wanted to tell us something important.
S, seor.
I hate to have to say this,
but I want to leave the show.
[gasps] Yes!
Wait a minute. What do you mean
you want to leave the show?
Hold on. I think I know what he means.
I think he means
he wants to leave the show.
Jos would have said that in Spanish,
but, out of all three of us,
only Jos knows that language.
I am not kidding.
Jos can speak Spanish that Jeff cannot.
It's the weirdest fucking thing.
-Oh! Sorry.
It's the weirdest el fucking thingo.
Jos, why do you want to leave the show?
He can't leave the show.
Exactly. We need you.
No, I mean he actually can't
leave the show.
-Why not?
-He doesn't have any legs.
All I need is my stick.
...At least, that's what your mother said.
[audience] Oh!
What the hell?
You know, you could try and leave,
but you'd fall down.
Then you'd be Jos Jalapeno on the floor.
With your mother.
[audience] Oh!
And then, I would probably step on it
and break his stick.
Then he'd be Jos Jalapeo
with a broken stick on the floor.
Another mother joke, Jos?
No, this time it was your sister.
-[surprised laughter]
What the hell? I'm gonna kick his ass!
I don't have an ass.
Or "stick," or whatever the hell
there is there.
-Come on!
Come to think of it,
I say you can't get away,
but maybe that stick
is actually a wooden leg.
So, then he's Jos Jalapeo
on a wooden leg.
But, no, a leg always has a knee.
There's no knee on that stick.
There could be if they cut the stick
in half and put a hinge on it.
But then his name would be Jos Jalapeo
on two halves of the stick with a hinge.
Doesn't exactly
roll off your tongue, does it?
No, but your sister did.
What the hell?
Jos, why do you want to quit the show?
I've been living a lie.
A lie! I knew it.
He's Mexican and he's gay.
Mexican and gay.
Now, that is a party I would go to.
La cucaracha!
Jos, are you unhappy about something?
This is a nice job, but it's not my dream.
What is your dream?
-I want to be--
-Wait, I got it!
-He wants to change ethnicities
and be white.
That's ridiculous, impossible,
and insulting.
No, it's not. He already has a stick
up his ass, so he's halfway there.
-[surprised laughter]
I did a white joke. Yes!
Even the crackers love that joke.
And the Mexicans and the gay Mexicans.
I like a spicy taco.
Oh, wait, gay guys don't like tacos.
For those of you who didn't get that joke,
someone will explain it to you
on the way home.
-Do not ask for a photo.
It's not a normal selfie.
It's more of a Snapchat.
It's kitty cat.
[yells] Okay!
This is so wrong,
because no woman's gonna say...
"Make it talk."
-Although, that would be quite a thing.
-Please stop.
-You could make it go, "Meow."
Be careful of the ones that go... [hisses]
Sorry, Jos. Will you please tell us
what you want to do with your life?
I want to be an astronaut.
[Peanut laughs]
[laughs dramatically]
-No, no, this is great.
Jos the Astronaut.
And it would be great
if they made a space shuttle
with a clutch.
-Jos could be the stick.
Peanut, why are you always
picking on Jos?
-I dont know.
-Are you a bully?
-Is he, Jos?
-No, seor.
He's an asshole...
-...on a stick.
-Say goodnight, you guys.
-I'm Peanut.
-I am Jos Jalapeo.
There they go!
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
All right.
I think you guys know who is next.
Please help me welcome
the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world,
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
[Achmed laughs]
Good evening, Texas infidels!
[cheering and applause]
How are you, Achmed?
Wait, wait, before we get started,
I have a question.
-Was it bad
that I unplugged my cousin's life support
to charge my phone?
-Are you kidding?
-No, I was at three percent.
-What about your cousin?
-He's now at zero percent.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Achmed.
And how'd he end up on life support?
Well, my uncle said, "Pull my finger,"
and they both exploded.
It's not funny!
Don't make me say it.
[man] I kill you!
I'm not ready.
Hey, you want to know the joke
I pull on folks
when they're in the hospital?
A joke? What do you do
to people in the hospital?
The ringtone on my phone is the same noise
as the heart monitor when you die.
-Yeah, I stand next to their bed,
my phone rings,
and all everyone hears is...
[flatline beep]
Then I answer,
"Oh, you just missed him."
-That's a little dark.
-Look who you're talking to.
Oh, wait, when my cousin died,
-you should have been there.
You could have made him talk
one last time.
Oh, wait, that is genius.
You should hang around funeral homes
and scare the crap out of folks.
Or even at the funeral.
"Dearly beloved,
here lies Uncle Charlie..."
"I'm not dead yet."
Best YouTube video ever.
[evil laugh]
-Are you a good father?
-Of course.
But sometimes I get very angry
with my kids,
and I tell them I'm going to kill them.
That's not good.
I don't know, coming from me
it's kind of effective.
And what do you say, exactly?
"Either go do your homework
or take my backpack to the market.
Your choice!"
So, Achmed, we've been talking a bit
about politics tonight,
and you've been in this country
a long time now.
Politically, if you were a citizen here,
would you go Democratic or Republican?
Oh, yikes, those are my choices?
I'd like to buy a vowel, please.
But seriously, would you ever
consider politics?
If you could, would you run for office?
No, no! I run from an office
after I set the timer.
That's my job. Stop laughing!
Not yet.
And that's another thing
that's pissing me off.
-My 72 virgins
have all now joined the Me Too movement.
I can't even call them virgins anymore.
-I see.
-Now they insist on being called
"the 72 consenting,
strong women of character...
blah-di-fucking-blah, blah, blah..."
Hey, you know what happens now
if I take a Viagra?
-I get lockjaw.
Silence! I kill you!
[Achmed laughs]
Boy, am I a rock and roll badass
or what?
Let's do the whole thing together:
Three, two, one...
[Achmed and audience] Silence! I kill you!
[laughs] That's fantastic.
I just helped 10,000 folks
commit a felony.
Anything else bothering you, Achmed?
Yes, all this political correctness crap.
-It's driving me crazy.
-How's that?
-Everyone is so uptight.
Calm the hell down.
You're taking all the fun away.
-The fun?
Like, you know,
I can't tell jokes anymore like,
"Two black guys walk in a bar..."
"No, no, you can't tell a joke like that.
You are racist."
-"Two Jews..."
-"No, racist."
"Two white guys..."
"Okay, you can tell that one."
Wait a minute, why is it okay
to tell a joke about white people
and not the others?
Well, it's okay to tell a racist joke
about racists.
[startled laughter]
-Oh, crap, they turned on me.
And why are the two white guys
in your story racist?
I just went with the odds.
[startled laughter]
-Ooh, strike two.
So, you're saying that most white people
are racists.
[audience] Oh!
-You just said that.
-No, you just said that.
So, what other ways
do you have to be politically correct?
Well, you know,
I used to say my saying all the time,
"Silence, I kill you."
Folks loved it.
It was on t-shirts, on mugs.
They were like, "Yay."
Now, everyone gets upset.
"Oh, he's threatening us."
Whine, whine. Boo-hoo.
Yes, you idiot snowflakes!
I am threatening you!
It's called a terrorist threat.
It's not that big a deal.
I said, "I kill you," not "I touch you."
[Achmed laughs menacingly]
Maybe that is what I should be saying now.
I touch you."
Hey, man.
I touch you.
"Hey, man?"
"Hey, man?"
Well, I can't say, "Hey, lady."
-Why not?
-If I do, you're the asshole,
and we both get sued.
Okay, but, "Hey, man?"
Hey, you...
I touch you.
Hey, you unidentifiable gender, you.
I touch you.
That's more creepy than scary.
Hey, women love me,
because I'm already naked.
You're... [laughs]
Achmed, you're-- you're--
you're all bone.
And I am ribbed for her pleasure.
[laughs menacingly]
I touch you.
[Achmed laughs]
[evil laugh]
-[Achmed whistles]
[Achmed whistles]
What the...?
[Achmed whistles]
I can whistle!
-Can I fart, too?
-[laughs] No, you can't.
Holy crap.
Something isn't right.
Do you see that?
Did you do that?
-I don't know. [laughs]
-Did I do that?
-I don't know.
-Can you fix this?
-I-I don't know.
-Then what the hell do you know?!
-I don't know.
-Fix it, you infidel!
I am afraid to move!
Fix it!
I kill you from here.
[Achmed screams]
Got any barbecue sauce?
That's not funny!
Stop laughing!
Don't make me come down there!
-[Jeff laughs]
How would you get down there?
Well, you could throw me.
You threw fucking Peanut.
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
We'll see you next time.
Goodbye, infidels!
-[cheering and applause]
-[rock music plays]
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you, Dallas!
Thank you, Texas!