Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos (2011) Movie Script
1
JEFF DUNHAM: I can't believe
the show starts in half an hour
and Achmed's late.
Maybe he drowned trying
to visit Bin Laden's grave.
(laughing)
Security.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
Bubba J?
Yeah. Well, gotta go.
Beer break.
Wait. Achmed's late.
Keep an eye out for him.
Which eye?
Where could he be?
He went from dead terrorist
to Hollywood diva.
I'm telling you,
the fame went to his skull.
Achmed? No way.
(engine revving)
(evil laughter)
(cackling)
Huh?
(growls)
(bleating)
Ah.
(engine revving)
(evil laughter)
Achmed's here.
I'll go park his car
since there's
no law against drunk parking.
Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.
(loud belch)
(belching continues)
Whoa. ls that a hybrid?
It's the AchmedMobile,
you idiot.
Just be careful parking it
or I keel you.
Didn't hurt.
And whatever you do,
don't touch the red button.
Got it. Touch the red button.
Yes.
-(alarm blaring)
-(9aSPS)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
Jeff Dunham!
(cheering and applause)
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
(cheering continues)
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
-(cheering continues)
-Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
absolutely great to be here
in lovely Richmond, Virginia.
(cheering)
And, you know, we--
I've been doing this show
all over the country,
just having a blast
here, there and everywhere.
The fans are great.
But we've also been taking
my show around the world.
We've been doing shows
in South Africa, Australia,
three tours of Europe
and the U.K.
Now they're talking
about taking me to China.
- Wha-What?
-(laughter)
How am I going to do
my show in China?
All I know is, if I do
do my show in China,
there's a big chunk of my act
I'm going to have to leave out.
(laughter)
You'll recognize it when I do it
here this evening.
(laughter)
But it is interesting going to
some of these foreign countries
and doing press interviews,
because some of the reporters
have done their
homework and care,
others just don't.
For example, I was in London
talking to a guy
and he was like,
(British accent):
"All right, so ventriloquism-
have you eliminated every other
possibility of employment?"
And I have to go, "No, this is
what I've done my entire life."
I've never wanted to do
anything else.
I started very young.
I was eight years old,
I was in the third grade,
Christmas, 1970.
Got my first dummy.
There's Mom and Dad and me
under the tree right there.
You can see how
proud my father is.
(laughter)
But for years
I'd look at that picture
and I'd think, why does he have
that expression on his face?
And then if finally hit me, duh,
look where the dummy's hand is.
- So...
-(laughter)
Yeah, that's creepy.
So I started doing shows
very early.
All the way through
elementary school, junior high,
high school, college.
And this is what I wanted to do.
This was the future I saw.
I saw it.
There were a few people
that didn't see it.
For example, girlfriends.
They'd realize I was sincere
about wanting to talk
to dummies the rest of my life,
and they would dump me
immediately.
I couldn't see what they saw
until a few months ago.
I was sitting down
with my three daughters,
and we were looking
at the yearbooks
from my junior high
and high school years.
My daughters were horrified.
Why? Let me explain.
I started getting paid for doing
my shows in the seventh grade.
And I knew
that if I was going to be
a professional ventriloquist,
I needed a professional photo.
Now my parents were supportive,
but they weren't going
to shell out the cash for that.
So I thought, how am I going
to get a professional picture
of me and the dummy taken?
And then it finally hit me--
school picture day.
(laughter)
(applause)
(laughter and applause builds)
But I thought this was genius.
All I had to do was show up
at school
with the dummy in a suitcase,
stand in line
and when it was my turn,
I'd sit down,
put the dummy on my knee,
smile, click,
professional photo.
And that's what I did,
every year from the seventh
grade through the 12th grade.
The only trouble was,
they'd only take one photo,
and that's what ended up
in every yearbook.
And that's why my daughters
were horrified.
It was boy, girl, girl, boy,
boy with doll, girl...
(laughter)
Don't believe me?
There's seventh grade
right there. There it is.
(cheering and applause)
I'm the one on the right.
Look at that.
That is Justin Bieber hair,
damn it.
(cheering)
So ninth grade came along and
I decided to do the same thing.
This was the bicentennial year
in our country-- 1976.
I was a patriotic lad,
but I didn't want to dress
like Uncle Sam.
No, apparently I wanted
to dress like
a Fourth of July
picnic table cover.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
You know, the funniest thing
to me
about that photo is the fact
that I have braces.
Why is that funny?
Well, the rest of my life
I'm going to be talking
with my mouth shut,
so what's the point?
(laughter)
I know most of you look
at these photos and think,
this is the saddest human being
we've ever met.
Did he have any friends?
Yes, I did.
Here we are sitting
in my bedroom one day.
So now I had about 15 minutes
in my show.
I knew I wanted to add
something else-- some variety.
I thought, music? Yes.
Something cool.
Rock and roll guitar?
No, something cooler.
I'll play the trombone.
(laughter)
I'm going to let--
I'm going to let this photo
soak in just for a minute.
(applause)
There is so much wrong here,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's start
with the least obvious,
and that's my dummy
up in the corner
listening to me play
the trombone, but...
Now let's talk
about fashion, shall we?
(laughter)
How did my mother even let me
out of the house?
And this wasn't some accident
on a Saturday morning
where I accidentally threw on
the wrong clothes.
This was an outfit I wore
to school regularly.
I don't know why I didn't get
beat up on a regular basis.
I must have gone to the store
and said,
"Do you have any pants that
don't even go with themselves?"
(laughter)
This next photo,
you know, my parents
were supportive,
but every once in a while
in a child's life
the parents must step in
and say enough is enough.
Apparently my parents
did not do this,
as is evidenced
by this next photo.
And by the way, there is--
none of these photos
have been photoshopped.
Everything is legit.
Everything's real.
I promise you.
So, that's how sad it is.
But this next photograph--
I don't remember
how it happened.
All I know is that we went to
the professional portrait studio
and this was the family portrait
that hung in our living room
this big, for years.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
(whistling, cheering, applause)
You know maybe... (laughing)
And the weird part is my parents
had family and friends over
for parties a lot.
And this was hanging right there
in plain view.
No one ever said anything.
They must have thought,
"Well, the food's good.
Let's go to the mentally
ill people's house."
All right, so that's--
that's high school.
High school-- and time
to pick up chicks.
(laughter)
(wolf whistle)
It was the late '70s.
Disco was king.
I had my silk shirt, my dummy
and my porn mustache.
Now this-this next photo I found
in a box just recently.
You know, and some photos
just go without explanation.
I don't remember what this was.
I don't remember
what was going on.
I don't know... I don't know.
(prolonged laughter)
(audience whistling)
Let's examine this, shall we?
I'm standing
in my parents' front yard.
On the hood of this vehicle
is the largest stuffed animal
known to man.
I don't know how I got it home,
I don't know why it was there,
I don't know
what the hell it is.
Also on the hood of the vehicle
is R2-D2.
(laughter)
My dummy is dressed up like
a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff...
and I'm wearing a frickin
Hawaiian shirt.
It's like Torn Selleck jumped
out of the closet and went,
"Guess what!"
And now it's time
to move on to college
and the intellectual years.
I don't even,
I don't even know why.
You know, the photographer
should have
just fallen over laughing.
I don't...
I looked like Sherlock Holmes
with a dummy.
I don't know what that is.
So I graduated from college.
I was living in central Texas,
and I was still doing my shows,
but I knew I was not yet ready
to move out to Los Angeles
to seek fame and fortune,
so I kept doing shows,
as many as I could.
But I also had an unusual hobby.
I became a licensed
helicopter pilot.
But I built and was flying
my own full-size,
real two-seat helicopter.
Now, you would think
that someone who was smart
enough to build and fly
their own helicopter
could maybe pick out
a decent pair of shorts.
(laughter)
Thank you. (laughs)
All I know is, thank God,
the corn was high enough
that nobody on the freeway
could see me.
That's all I can say.
My daughters have been horrified
by these pictures.
They decided to help me out.
They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree.
They are 13, 15 and 19
years of age.
They're the light of my life.
They decided to help me out
with my clothes.
But they decided
to dress both me and Peanut,
and here's what they chose.
(laughter)
(cheering and whistling)
Now, as you can tell
by these photos, uh, the dummies
have been with me
for a very long time.
You can also tell I had
a very poor fashion sense.
I will take most of the blame
for that.
There is, however,
one other person that needs
to take some of that blame,
and that person is my mother.
And I'll prove to you
that this is her fault,
because she did this Christmas
what she does every Christmas
and has for decades.
My parents are in their 80s now,
and every year what my mother
does is, she goes
to a very nice department store,
and she picks out a Christmas
present for me and my father.
She picks out the nicest shirt
that she can find.
And she buys two.
Here's what she chose
this past year.
(laughter)
You know, I love my parents
very much,
and they have been married
for 56 years now.
(audience cheering)
And they are a perfect example
of how a marriage can work.
On the other hand, I've recently
gone through something
that I never thought I'd go
through, never considered it,
never even thought it
a possibility.
I'm recently divorced.
I'm a single father now,
but I always try and look
for the silver lining
in the dark clouds, and one
of the silver linings
about getting divorced is that
I got to pick out my own house
because someone else has
the other house now.
As for my act,
there's an old guy,
who long before I got married,
warned me of the institution.
And now I guess he can say,
"l told you so."
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.
(audience cheering)
Holy crap, will you shut
the hell up?!
(Jeff chuckles)
You, too.
Are you all right?
- No!
- What's wrong?
I'm pissed.
-Why?
-I have no idea.
Well, have you ever
thought about being happy?
-Yeah.
-What happened?
It pissed me off.
What would happen
if you were happy?
Your show would suck.
(laughter)
You know, Walter, just once
I think you should
try being happy.
- You're an idiot.
-(chuckles)
See? What the hell
is wrong with you?
When I call you
an idiot, and you smile,
like I gave you cake.
Do you want to be
in a good mood?
Not if I'd look like a moron
like you, no, thank you.
I've seen you walk by
perfect strangers
and go, "Oh, hello. How are you?
Hoo-hoo-hoo!"
$0?
That makes mothers hide
their children from you.
You don't think
I should be nice
to strangers?
You know, even dogs
sniff assholes first.
(howling with laughter)
Maybe you should try that.
I don't think so.
Actually, there are
those little idiot dogs,
who when they see anyone,
they jump all around
and then pee on themselves.
You ever felt
like doing that?
That's not gonna happen.
Well, you might not jump
all around,
but when you get my age,
you'll piss on yourself.
Well, I'm just happy
to be here tonight.
Where the hell are we?
Richmond, Virginia.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
(audience cheering wildly)
(prolonged applause
and cheering)
JEFF: See?
Uh, just, uh, one question:
Why are we here?
It's a great part
of the country.
Not in the winter. Holy crap.
I don't know.
I hate being cold.
I even got cold
in Vegas last week.
Oh, Vegas, yeah. You
took your wife there.
-Oh, yeah.
-You know, Vegas has become
a great vacation
spot for families.
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
That makes sense.
Take the family to Vegas.
Yeah.
'Cause kids love whores.
(laughter)
"Look, Mommy,
there's a place with poles
like where you used to work."
(laughter)
So, Walter, you been
doing anything fun
since we got here?
Uh, yeah. What did I do today?
-I did something fun.
-What?
I signed up Achmed
to be an organ donor.
Oh, that's funny
as hell right there.
I'm getting sick of that guy.
- I think all this fame
is going to his head. -Why?
He's been doing all
the typical Hollywood stuff.
-Like what? -He's been dating
a goat half his age.
Oh, yeah, an actual goat.
He even got her fake teats.
Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.
Walter, a goat only has two.
(chuckles)
How sick is it that you
actually know that?
What, are you so lonely now,
you're checking out
barnyard animals?
You know, they're
called "petting zoos,"
not "heavy petting zoos."
Come on. What's her name?
-(bleating): Ma-a-argaret.
- Will you...?!
(laughter)
Can we change the subject?
Sur-u r-u re.
I'll change the subject,
all right.
I heard you talking
about something
you hadn't really discussed
onstage yet.
-Right.
-Okay.
So you're talking
about the divorce now.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
So can we talk about it?
I already did.
I didn't.
How weird is it that I can make
him feel uncomfortable onstage?
So that's it, huh?
That's what?
All those years
of being married,
and now it's over.
Yeah.
So, all those years
of raising the girls,
and now the family's
broken up.
Right.
-So, no more marriage?
-Nope.
- No more wife.
- No.
What's it like?!
(loud, uncontrollable laughter)
Oh, please let me live
vicariously through you!
(laughter)
Walter, divorce is
not a good thing.
Oh, you can't lie
to me, asshole.
So what happened?
What happened, Walter,
is that, unfortunately,
in our country these days,
more than 50% of marriages
now end in divorce,
and sadly, mine was
on that side of things.
(voice breaking):
You know, Jeff, I never thought
I'd say this to you,
but you're my hero!
Come on. What's it like
to wake up in the morning
and not hate your life?
To not think,
"Uh-oh, here she comes!"
Ugh!
You can leave your toilet
seat up all the time!
I'd hot-glue mine open,
for God's sakes...
and then shit in the backyard.
Just because I could.
Walter, divorce is painful.
Oh, yeah, like
a deep-tissue massage.
(screams)
(sighs contentedly)
So how long's it been?
Almost three years now.
Oh, okay. So, you
dating anybody now?
Matter of fact, I am.
Oh, good. Female?
Well, you never know.
Sometimes that's the problem.
"Honey, I got bad news
and I got good news.
"Bad news is,
I want a divorce.
Good news is, I'm
on your team now!"
(audience laughs)
Come on, let's knit, Mitch!
So this girl you're dating,
is she the same age as you?
- No.
- Oh. So she's older.
- No.
-(gasps) Younger.
-Yes.
-How much younger?
-It doesn't matter.
-Yes, it does.
Come on. Does she
have nice boobs?
That don't hang down
past her knees?
Do your boobs hang low,
do they wobble to and fro'?
(audience laughs, whistles)
Can you tie 'em in a knot'? J
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em
o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental soldier?
- Do your tits...
- All right!
Where do you hear
a song like that?
I didn't hear it,
I wrote it, dumb-ass.
Bet you never sung it
to your wife.
Every morning!
(wheezing laugh)
That's not funny.
Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
(imitates dog howling)
(imitates dog whining)
-That last part was me.
-I know.
Walter, you make fun
of your wife a lot.
I know. It's funny
as hell, isn't it?
You know, your wife is
supposed to be your soul mate.
You want to be
the pot or the kettle?
(sighs)
You know, I saw an old photo
of you and your wife.
Your wife's quite beautiful.
You saw an old photo.
Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.
I married a petite,
young, beautiful thing.
-Yeah.
-She was eventually eaten
by the woman I live with now.
Ha, ha, ha!
You're just flat-out saying
your wife's overweight.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's under-tall.
Have you ever had
a weight problem?
- Only when she sat on me.
- Will you...?
Ah!
Get off of me!
Actually, it's more like this:
(imitating an echo)
Hello? ...0...0...o...
It's dark in here!
...here...ere...ere...
I found your keys!
...keys...keys...keys...
I am not kidding.
Then she farted and
unlocked the car doors.
What does your wife think
when you do things like this?
I don't care.
Well, I know you care
enough about your wife
to take her on some of
these trips. -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she loves
going on these trips.
I know she loves
window shopping.
Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
(cackles)
Ha! Because in Amsterdam,
there's hookers in the windows!
I love that city. Did you
know that in Amsterdam,
you can legally
purchase marijuana?
I, uh... yeah...
I did know that.
- Do you know where?
- Coffeehouses.
Coffeehouses!
It's my favorite
coffee place ever!
I'd like a latte and a doobie.
And 19 dozen donuts,
thank you.
(laughter)
(applause)
I know you liked Australia.
Oh, I learned a new word
in Australia.
Crickey!
It means, "Oh, shit!"
You know, Walter, I happen
to know the word "crickey"
is actually derived
from the word "Christ."
Oh.
So it means "holy shit."
Am I going to hell?
-Probably.
-Hell.
Well, tomorrow we are driving
through West Virginia,
so what the hell?
(audience roars with laughter)
Why did you do that?
I don't care, I'm going
home in a suitcase.
(laughs)
Did you tell 'em about
our shows in South Africa'?
-Yes, I did.
-Yeah.
-How many shows did we do there?
-Nine.
How many folks were
in the audiences?
Each audience? About five
or six thousand people.
-That's what threw me off.
-The number of people?
- No, the people that were
in the audiences. -What?
Well, everybody in
the audience in South Africa,
they were all,
you know, uh... white.
-So?
-What do you mean, so?
We were in Africa, you moron.
Haven't you ever looked
at National Geographic?
I thought everybody there was,
uh, you know... the opposite.
And then I'd look out
in the crowd and I'd think,
"Well, where the hell
are all the flies?"
Oh! Like you haven't seen
the same commercials I have!
Everybody looked healthy!
I'm sitting there thinking,
well, that "We Are the World"
thing really worked out!
You're welcome!
Hell, the way our
economy is here now,
they should be sending us
back some of that money.
Okay, Walter, uh,
a couple of things.
First of all, the area of
South Africa we were in,
yes, the population was
predominately white.
Oh, duh.
And as for the extreme poverty,
yes, there's a lot of that
in many areas in South Africa,
as well as many other nations
in Africa; it's a
very sad thing.
Uh, there's aid
being sent every day...
Will you calm down?
What are you, Bono, now?
I'm just saying, it's a great
concern, it's very sad,
it's being taken care of,
they're being helped.
Okay, okay, Okay-
The housing is awful...
Ooh, can we talk
about the housing?
- No.
- Okay, listen up.
Wait a minute.
-In the poorest areas...
-We, we went there.
Yeah, we visited them.
I'm not making any jokes,
I'm just passing on information.
In the poorest areas, their
houses-- I'm not kidding-
were all built out of poo.
Cow dung.
Shit.
Aw, come on, their houses
are built out of shit!
Who the hell made
that decision?
Couple of guys sitting around
one day, Mtoomba and Chuck.
"Chuck"?
I don't know any
African names, do you?
So Mtoomba and Chuck are
sitting there one day,
and Mtoomba says, "Hey Chuck,
we're going to build a house."
'Course they weren't
talking in English,
-it was some African language.
-Sure.
Yeah. Probably one of those
where they click and stuff.
(clicking tongue)
(hissing, clicking)
-That was Mtoomba.
-Oh.
What did he say?
"Hey, Chuck, we're
gonna build a house!"
(clicking)
-Was that Chuck?
-Yeah.
All right. What did he say?
"Okey-dokey."
And then he said, "What the hell
we gonna build 'em out of?"
And the other said,
" | don't know.
Well, do we have any materials
just laying around?"
"Hmm...
(gasps)
We can use shit!"
(laughter)
So that's what they
decided to do.
But that's not the weird part.
What's the weird part?
All the women said, "Okay."
Oh, come on. They built
their houses out of poo.
It's like the fourth little pig
that no one talks about.
"This little pig built
his house out of bricks,
"this one out of sticks,
and this one out of straw,
but the fourth little pig
built his house out of poo-poo!"
Yeah. Disney never
told you about him.
"And the Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll... Oh, my God!"
"l got shit in my nose!"
(laughter)
"What is this, a caca casa?
"Some kind of crap cottage?
"No, it's a poo palace!
"It's a doo-doo dwelling!
"It's a fart fort, I tell ya."
And she lives in a shit shack.
(audience cheering, applauding)
You wake up in the middle
of the night and go,
(sniffs) "What's that smell?
Oh, it's the Wall."
Before you go inside, do you
have to take off your shoes?
When you drop food, is there
a three-second rule?
I don't...
It's raining! Run!
Not long after that,
we went a little bit north,
-and went into Europe and the
UK. You enjoyed it there. -Yeah.
Did you like the
city of London?
I don't know,
I got confused one day
-standing in our hotel lobby.
-Why?
Some big old black guy
walked in to me
and started speaking English
with a British accent.
I thought I was in
the Twilight Zone.
I swear, some big old black guy
walks up to me and goes,
(posh British accent):
"Oh, good afternoon, sir!"
I'm like, who the hell is making
you talk? What the hell?
And then I didn't know
what to call him.
He wasn't an African American.
Yeah, didn't think
of that, did you?
What is he, African English?
Why can't we just go back
to using the word "black,"
it was so much easier!
I have a black dog,
not an African retriever!
(laughter)
Then we went to Ireland.
-I got all confused there.
-Why?
Everybody's last name
starts with
O'Malley, O'Shea.
- I think I know a black Irish
guy. -Who's that?
O'Bama.
(laughter)
I don't think Obama's Irish.
Maybe he's half-Irish,
half-African American.
I can't wait to meet him.
I'm going to walk up and go,
"Hey, top of the morning
to you there, dawg."
(laughter)
"How's your health care
hangin, yo-yo?"
"Hey, that last election
was a bee-yotch."
-Say good night, Walter.
-Thank you.
That's Walter. There we go.
(cheering and applause)
(whistling, cheering
and applause)
Thank you.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a terrorist
amongst us.
(cheering and whistling)
And I don't know
how it's gotten to the point
that I can actually give this
introduction, but here it is.
Please help me welcome
the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world--
Achmed the dead terrorist.
(cheering and applause)
(evil laughter)
Greetings, infidels!
(cheering and whistling)
It's good to see you, Achmed.
Ooh, it's good to see you,
too, infidel number one.
So you know where we are?
Yes, South Africa.
(laughter)
No?
But Walter said if they're
all white, it's South Africa.
(laughter)
No. We're-we're back
in the United States.
(gasps)
Are they pissed?
About what in particular?
Well, you know,
I kind of look like, uh...
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, a cab driver.
(laughter)
No, I think you're fine.
And for the folks who
might not know, Achmed,
you are a suicide bomber.
Yes, I am.
Don't stand too close.
(evil laughter)
And I think a lot of us
might like to know
how you feel about
the death of Osama.
(gasps) I didn't do it.
(laughter)
I didn't say you did.
Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh.
(laughing):
All right, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Did you have something
to do with it'?
Yeah.No!
Yes... No, no, no... no!
That Navy SEAL training
was just for laughs.
(giggling)
Wait a minute, you
trained as a Navy SEAL?
No... Ye... No! No!
How did you know?
Who said anything
about Navy SEALS?
I'm just a simple
little terrorist.
Stop interrogating me!
Damn it, you're good at this!
(laughter)
You're not going to tell
anyone, right?
Tell them what?
Oh, thank you.
I will tell you what
I do know, though.
What's that?
When Bin Laden died,
there were no 72 virgins
waiting for him.
(laughter and applause)
No?
No. It was some kind
of misunderstanding.
Turned out, it was one
72-year-old virgin.
(laughter)
Osama is stuck forever
with Bea Arthur.
(laughter)
And Osama and I agree that
that 72 virgin thing
is highly overrated.
How's that?
Who wants to hear this 72 times?
"Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!
You're gonna call me, right?"
(laughter)
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You
communicate with Osama?
-Of course.
-How?
On Face-Shot-Off-Book.
(laughter)
So...
(cheering, applause
and whistling)
So, where...
where exactly is he?
Well, he won't say, but
I'm pretty sure it's Hell.
Why d0 you say that?
Well, they get cable,
but they only get one channel.
-What?
-The Oprah Winfrey Network.
Wait a minute.
(laughter and applause)
Come on, Achmed, a lot of people
love Oprah.
Were you ever on her show?
- No.
- She doesn't love you.
And also I know why
they would not show
the photo of dead Osama.
Why is that?
It's a little hard to explain,
but when he was killed,
he was dressed up like Cher.
(laughter)
Well, since he's dead,
do you think they're going
to come after you now?
(laughing)
Wait, what?
Well, you're a terrorist.
Yeah, but I suck at it.
You know, the military
has the deck of cards
of the 52
most wanted terrorists.
Are you one of those?
Yeah, but I'm in
the Go-Fish deck.
(laughter)
Well, what did you think
about them burying him at sea?
I think it's cool
that he could end up anywhere.
What do you mean?
That is one episode
of SpongeBob I got to see.
(laughter)
(cackling)
I wrote that. I keel me.
Achmed, since you're
clearly a terrorist,
are you Muslim?
No. Scientologist.
(laughter)
But you used to be Muslim?
No. Look at me.
I'm too extreme.
I was Catholic.
(laughter)
Really?
-And Methodist...
-What?
-Buddhist...
-What?
-And Baptist...
-What?
-And Capricorn.
-Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to offend
as many infidels as possible.
(evil laughter)
And speaking of offending,
do you know what that
idiot Peanut did to me?
What?
He stole my ShamW0w.
(laughter)
It's not funny!
Silence!
(laughter)
Wait for it.
(uproarious laughter)
(cheering)
l keel you!
(cheering and applause)
That's fantastic.
Let's do it together.
One, two, three...
ALL: I keel you!
They're talking to you.
(laughter)
So, Achmed, are you
enjoying Richmond?
Oh, I love the nightlife here.
Uh, what part of
the nightlife?
They have live sex shows.
Really? Where?
In the hotel room
right next to mine.
(laughter)
(laughter)
What?
That's my room.
(cheering and whistling)
Next time you should
get a partner.
(laughter)
Can we talk about
something else?
I'm trying to throw up,
but I don't have a stomach.
(laughter)
So, look, Walter and I
were talking earlier,
and you've gotten pretty famous
now, lately, haven't you?
Oh, yes.
And I think very soon,
I'm going to need my own posse.
That's with an "O."
(laughter)
Po-o-o-sse.
P-P-00...
. .0539 .
Posse.
Why are you explaining that?
In Amsterdam, they thought
I said something else.
(laughter)
I don't even like cats.
(laughter and applause)
P-P-o... P-P-o...
P-P-0...
P-P-P-o...
P-P...
P-P-0...
P-P-P...
How am I doing that
with no lips?
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
That's what she said.
-(cackling)
(laughter)
I can't believe you did that.
That's what she said.
(laughter)
Will you stop it?
That's what she said!
I don't like this.
(squealing):
That's what she said!
(laughter)
How long is this?
(high-pitched squealing):
That's what she said!
(loud laughter and applause)
Think about it.
So you were talking
to Walter earlier?
Damn it!
Yes, and I said,
"I'm going to call
you my bee-yotch."
That means "bitch."
I know that.
I'm sorry.
I'd been watching
Pimp My Camel.
You do seem like you've been
in a pretty good mood lately.
- Do you know why?
- No.
Because like Santa Claus,
I have been making
a list of people
to kill twice.
Santa doesn't kill people.
He does if he's Terror Claus.
Terror Claus?
I've never heard of him.
Ch...
He kills you
when you're sleeping
He chokes you when you wake
He knows if you are Catholic
or Jew
So denounce
your infidel faith.
(laughter and cheers)
That's terrible.
But catchy!
Have you heard
of the Terror Bunny?
- No.
- He hides Easter bombs.
Look, Mommy.
(mimics explosion)
That's even worse.
I know. Thank you for noticing.
What do you want,
more stinking knock-knock jokes?
That might be better.
-Okay. Knock-knock.
-Who's there?
Me. I keel you again.
(laughs)
You're such an idiot.
You keep answering the door!
Where I am from,
the game we teach
our children is,
when someone says,
"Knock-knock,"
you shut the fuck up and hide.
So, Achmed, did your
parents have much
to do with what you do now?
Well, uh, I guess so.
My father was
a suicide bomber.
Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?
Well, I have his eyes.
In a box.
And I like to hide them
wherever Walter is sleeping.
That way, when he wakes up,
it scares the crap out of him.
WALTER (distant):
You son of a bitch,
I'll kick your ass right now!
(applause and cheering)
ls that case locked
from the outside?
Yeah. Why?
'Cause he still scares
the crap out of me!
So, Achmed, do you have
any good memories
of your father?
Uh, for my eighth birthday,
-he got me a puppy.
-That's good.
-No, it turned into a disaster.
-Why?
Because sometimes my father was
a very confused man,
and that day my mother told him
-to go out and blow up
some party balloons. -Yeah?
(sadly): And that's how I
got a dog with no legs.
You had a dog with no legs?
Yeah, he was great.
I had him
for many years.
Oh. So what'd you call him?
Seriously?
Seriously.
What?
I had a dog with no legs.
What did you call him?
Seriously?
Okay, you're a comedian, right?
Yeah.
I had a dog
with no legs.
(sinisterly): Ask me again.
What'd you call him?
I didn't call him anything
because he could never come.
It's not funny!
Achmed, that's, that's, like,
the oldest joke ever.
(voice breaking): Yes, but
in my case, it was true.
AUDIENCE: AW...
Thanks.
Could he do any tricks?
He could roll over.
It's not funny because if there
is any kind of an incline,
he couldn't stop himself!
He looked like a runaway
can of pinto beans
rolling down a hill.
It was the only time I ever
saw a cat actually laugh.
Meow. (hiccups)
Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)
(faster) Meow. (hiccups)
Meow. (hiccups)
(gasping groan)
What was that?
I killed the fucking cat.
So, Achmed, when did you
know you wanted
to be a suicide bomber?
After talking
to my guidance counselor.
Your guidance counselor?
-In high school.
-High school?
Al Qaeda High.
Al Qaeda High?
Ch...
All hail
to the Al Qaeda High
We blow up, then we die.
Everybody!
Wait, wait, wait. This is
your high school?
Who's your mascot?
The next guy on the list.
Oh, it was, like
"Go, team! (mimics explosion)
Next.
So how were the cheerleaders
at your school?
Oh, we didn't even have girls.
NO girls?
No. I had to take
my buddy Omar to the prom.
Hey, he could dance!
Later, he became
The Village Person.
I'm not kidding!
Wait. Your buddy Omar
was in the singing group
-The Village People?
-Uh-huh.
-Which guy was he?
-What?
Was he, like, the cowboy
or the construction worker?
- Indian.
- He was the Indian.
(chanting):
J HV-ya, hyya, hy-ya. J"
(mimics explosion)
What was that?
A bomb.
Native Americans
didn't use bombs.
T Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.
(hisses, thud, groans)
Hey! They got it!
They knew that I got shot
by an arrow.
I must be a pretty good actor.
Can I try it again to make sure
-it wasn't a fluke?
-Sure.
Okay, this time, slightly
bigger arrow, more drama.
(hisses, thud)
(screaming loudly)
Oh, look at that!
(audience cheering)
I'm a thesbian.
Not like Ellen.
Well, she's a lesbian,
and I said "thesbian"
and the words are similar.
Not in meaning.
Unless you're
a lesbian thesbian.
Chika-chika, wrow-wrow.
-I like Ellen.
-Yeah.
-She's cute.
-Yeah.
-You think I got a shot
with her? -A shot?
You know, like, to date her?
Oh, come on. She could play on
the other team
for a little while.
You know, like a visitor.
Achmed, she's married
to another woman.
(gasps) Who is this bitch?
Come on. What does she
have that I don't?
What? I no longer
have the hoogh-hagh.
Don't look!
You look to my hoogh-hagh area,
I keel you where you stand.
But if I keel you,
please don't drop me.
What happened to your hoo-ha?
My What?
You said you no longer
have a hoo-ha.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
I said, hoogh-hagh.
What the hell's a "hoo-ha"?
That's like a laughing owl.
Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!
What happened
to your hoogh-hagh?
Oh, after the explosion,
it ended up
over there, over there
and up there.
I see.
So you no longer have
a... a hoogh-hagh.
- No.
- But you like women?
Yes. (gasps)
I'm a lesbian!
I told you I got a shot
with Ellen!
Do you think she likes actors?
I don't know.
Let me try this arrow
thing one more time.
-I can prove I can act.
-Okay.
Okay, this time,
much bigger arrow,
much more drama.
(hisses, thud)
(loud groaning scream)
(scream fades)
(resumes screaming louder)
I got shot in the shoulder,
not gonna die.
(screams)
Now in the stomach.
(hisses, thud, groans)
(sustained gasping groan)
(weakly):
Tell Ellen I love her!
(gasping and groaning)
Okay, I'm done.
I can sit up now.
Actually, you can't.
What?
(laughing): Your ribs
are caught on your spine.
Hang on one second.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
What?!
Son of bitches!
I keel you from here,
you asshole!
You feed me a sandwich
every once in a while,
this shit would not happen!
(screams)
I'm a lesbian,
not a cheerleader!
(laughter and cheering builds)
(loud whistling)
(low voice): I keel you.
I keel you till you're dead!
And that's worse.
You make a barbecue joke...
(laughter)
... | keel your family.
What part of my family?
(laughter and cheering)
We can talk.
All ri... (laughs)
Sorry about this.
How do you feel?
Kind of cold.
Cut it out.
Why?
It tickles.
Can I... can I try
and put this back?
What am I now?
Fucking Lego Achmed?
I hate you.
-I want Ellen here...
-Oops.
(audience cheers, applauds)
- Didn't hurt.
- All right.
So Achmed, let me
get this straight.
So there were never
any girls at your school.
No. But for some reason,
we had a girls' restroom.
I see.
And one day, Omar and I
snuck in there to explore.
- The girls' restroom?
- Uh-huh.
And what'd you find?
A couple of strange
and wonderful things.
Like what?
Well, we found a machine.
And if you put
two shekels in it,
a small missile would come out.
- A missile?
- Well, I think it was.
It had a little white fuse.
And it must have been
a very special missile,
because it was lightly scented.
And then you could put two
shekels in the other machine
and get the bonus
accuracy package.
-What?
-It had wings.
And you used these missiles?
With confidence.
- Really?
- Always.
(laughter)
(audience whistling)
Achmed, I've never heard of
anything like this before.
Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.
I've been to your house,
I've seen in your
cabinets and drawers,
many of these
missiles hidden away.
It looks as though you
are preparing for war.
Every four weeks, it feels
like that, I'd say so.
So your soldiers have
synchronized their time clocks.
You could say that.
-Well, good luck in your
battles, my friend. -Thank you.
I fear there will
be much bloodshed.
(laughter)
What are the infidels
laughing at now?
I'll explain it to you later.
l keel you!
Look, Achmed, I have a surprise
to share with you tonight.
(gasps)
You're going in the closet?
No, and by the way, the, the,
the phrase is "coming
out of the closet."
Oh, congratulations!
No, I'm not coming
out of the closet.
You're going to continue
to hide the truth?
I'm not hiding in anything.
So everyone knows now?
Congratulations!
Achmed, I have a girlfriend.
(gasps) Does she know?
Maybe she will
like this one guy.
There is no one guy.
Then there are many guys?
You are a whore.
Now, you should be stoned.
-Achmed...
-What would your mother say?
I'm not a whore.
Of course your mother would
say she's not a whore.
I'm straight.
Straight, crooked,
we do not need
to know such graphic details.
(laughter)
I mean, I have a girlfriend.
Not for long.
Not when she finds out
about your many boyfriends.
Whore!
Will you please listen
to what I'm saying?
I do not talk to whores.
You are dead to me.
You're dead to all of us.
(applause and cheering)
- So, Achmed...
- I'm not listening!
La-Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Achmed, there's someone here
I want you to meet.
(gasps)
One of your whore boyfriends?
I think not!
No, I think this is someone
you would like to see.
(gasps) ls it a woman?
No.
I already have a goat.
This is a surprise guest.
(gasps) Ryan Seacrest?
-Nope.
-Damn it!
Look. What I want you to
do is, I just want you
to look over there while
I'm getting him out,
-so you won't peek.
-Okay.
-Just look over there.
-O... wait a minute.
When I'm not looking,
are you going to keel me?
-No. -That's actually a good way
of doing it, you know.
Kinda old-school,
but effective.
It's like "Hey, look at that!"
(chokes) Aaah...
No, just look over there, and
don't look back until I say so.
-Okay, whatever. This is kind
of like Christmas, huh? -Yeah.
-Just look over there.
-Okay.
-And don't peek.
-Okay.
-Right. -Not gonna peek.
Just stay over here.
"New?
"NM!
Okay! (muttering)
(applause and cheering)
(screams)
(yells)
Who the hell is that?
(British accent):
Hello, Father.
(audience whistling, applauding)
(prolonged cheering
and whistling)
It's your son, Achmed Junior.
AJ?
That's right.
ACHMED: Wait...
I thought you were dead!
Surprise.
This is great.
Hey! What happened to your face?
Oh, yeah. My bad.
Achmed, he's your son.
Look at him. What do you see?
Well, he does have my eye.
(cackling laugh)
Actually, I do. Yes, I do.
Why do you sound
like Elton John?
When you were separated
after the accident,
he was raised in England.
Did my mum miss me?
Uh... yeah. I don't know.
What the hell.
How do you not know?
Oops.
What's wrong with your leg?
Nothing!
What's wrong with my leg?
I don't know.
- Can you fix this?
- No, I don't think so.
Damn it.
-Don't look at me.
-Sorry.
Um, we're going to get
Marnel to help us.
-What?
-Marne | , he works for me.
I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!
Come fix my leg!
(murmuring)
Thanks.
(applause)
He's kind of cute.
Okay, moving on!
Wait a minute. How do you
not know who his mother is?
I had 46 wives, you idiot.
They all dressed the same,
and their faces were covered.
How'd you tell them apart?
The numbers on their backs.
That's terrible.
I know, Mother's Day is a bitch.
And so are most of the mothers.
That's not funny at all.
"Ata | | "?
Who is "Ata | | "?
Was she your mother?
I don't remember
a woman who was all
bulgy-eyed like you.
- Bulgy-eyed?
- Well, look at him.
Well, you're not
exactly squinting.
At least my face is balanced.
You manage to look asleep and
terrified all at the same time.
-Achmed, he's your son.
-Well, the apple
doesn't fall far from the tree,
and apparently this one got run
over by a fucking lawnmower.
You caused the accident.
Accident? It was
a huge explosion,
with great fire
and destruction.
- You didn't mean for it
to happen. -I did, too!
-You did not!
-No, Ii... Oh, shit.
Marnel!
Son of a bitch!
Are you talking to me now?
Fix it right,
or I kick your ass.
Marnel!
Come back!
My arm is stuck in
my pelvis, you asshole.
(laughter, applause
and cheering)
He can fix my pelvis anytime.
-Shut up!
-Okay, look.
Okay, look. So the explosion
you were talking about,
how did it happen?
Very precise and
careful planning.
-Not exactly.
-I said shut up!
-What happened?
-Nothing.
He was putting gasoline
in his scooter.
So why was there an explosion?
Shit happens.
He was using his cell phone.
-Really?
-What?
While putting gas
in your scooter.
You know that's dangerous.
Well, it was your
mother who called.
-ACHMED JR: Really?
-I don't know.
-What was her name?
And you guys haven't had
any contact since?
-Not much. He's a bad son.
-I am not.
Tell him what you sent
me for my birthday.
It was an honest mistake.
What'd you send him?
He sent me a bottle
of skin lotion.
(laughter)
-He made it worse.
-What'd you do?
I sent him back half a bottle.
-(Achmed laughs)
-(audience laughs)
You know, maybe you should
try and patch things up.
Looks like he needs more
than a fucking patch.
But I'm here for a reason.
What, a skin graft?
Sorry, I'm all out.
Fuck! (yelling)
Come fix my fucking leg!
Get duct tape, you asshole!
(chuckling):
He actually brought duct tape.
(laughter and cheering)
He's kinky, too.
Shut up!
So, Achmed, do you know
why AJ is here?
Well... Wait a minute.
This isn't some crap about
owing child support, is it?
That bitch!
- Whichever one she was.
- No, that's not...
This is bad,
'cause I've seen the crap
that you're going through
and I don't know how you
can afford even a T-shirt.
Thank you.
Did I say that
just how you wrote it?
(laughter)
Yes. Thank you.
Okay. Good luck with the judge.
I hope he's fair.
Actually the judge
is a woman.
You're fucked.
(laughter)
Okay, listen, you...
Achmed, you're getting hostile.
Of course I'm getting hostile.
I'm a terrorist, you idiot.
You piss me off, I keel you.
Would that really
solve anything?
Pretty much, yeah,
I think it does.
Okay---...
I have nothing in common
with my own son.
-Well, just talk to him.
-How?
I don't know,
like you would anybody.
Okay, W.T.F.
O.M.G.
I mean O.M.A.
(laughter and applause)
And you have no idea
why he's here?
To start his training
as a terrorist. -No, Father,
that's just it--
I don't want to be a terrorist.
(gasps) But I want you
to be just like me.
Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
Achmed, can you accept that?
(voice breaking):
I guess I can try.
And, Ad, what Y? he
doesn't accept W?
lkeelyou.
That's my boy!
(cheering and applause)
He's purple, he's wacky,
he's been around for a while.
Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!
(cheering)
How you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
How about you? -I'm fine.
That's good, that's good,
that's goo-ood.
(cheering)
-Wow.
-You like it here?
I love it here.
It's beautiful. It's sold out.
The place is paid for.
We must be on
an Indian reservation.
And these are all Indians.
Look, Peanut, first of all,
the more politically correct
term these days
is Native American.
Oh, yeah.
I certainly wouldn't want
to piss 'em off.
They could try and scalp me,
but all they'd get
is a fishing lure.
(laughter)
I guess that is a little less
confusing of a term, though.
-What?
-Native American.
-Why?
-'Cause when you say Indian,
you don't know which one
the hell they're talking about.
-What?
-ls it the ones that go...
(war chant):
Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.
or the ones that go...
(Indian accent): Thank you
for calling customer support.
(laughter and cheering)
But in this case, I'm talking
about the ones that go...
(war chant):
Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya.
Weep vdme)".
3 XI-Va. y-ya. a
(high-pitched):
J HY-Ya, hy-ya... how.
Do you know what
that chant means?
No, but I think it means,
(chanting): J I forgot
the words, hy-ya, hy-ya.
You know, we have plenty
of Native Americans
here this evening.
Oh, goody. Let's play craps.
(laughter)
What? They've got the
reservations and the casinos
and making millions of dollars
every day hand over fist.
They're laughing
all the way to the bank.
Oh, that's what it is--
they're laughing.
(chanting):
J Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. J
(laughter)
What is wrong
with you tonight?
You're being a little
extra annoying.
I'm sorry.
I got cranky today because
we didn't have anything
to eat on the bus.
Right. We haven't been
to the store in a while.
-So you know what
I had to do? -What?
I had to phone order
take-out Chinese food. -Oh.
Have you done this lately?
Phone order take-out
Chinese? No.
Excuse me, but do these guys
get together in the morning
and decide who speaks
English the worst?
(laughter)
(Chinese accent):
Okay, Chin, today your day
to take the phone order.
Oh, Chin making a
fool of you... (gibberish)
(laughter)
So here's me
placing a phone order
for take-out Chinese food.
What was the name
of the restaurant?
Oh, Taste of China.
Hello, I'd like to place
a phone order today.
Oh, this is Chin... (gibberish)
Okay, I need two orders
of kung pao chicken.
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, you like kung pao chicken?
I like kung pao chicken, too...
(gibberish)
(laughter)
Okay, and I need
something with salmon.
Ooh, you like-a the fish?
You like-a the fish?
It tastes... (gibberish)
Yeah, and I need chopsticks.
Oh, no fork?
(laughter)
I said I need chopsticks.
No fork?
Chopsticks. No fork?
No fork, no fork.
Taste a-vagina like fish.
(laughter and applause)
Could you repeat that?
No fork.
Taste a-vagina like fish.
Did you get it?
No fork. Taste a-vagina...
They got it!
First of all, do you know
how racist that is?
And that's a-why
it's so fuckin funny.
(cheering)
Now, Peanut, you've been doing
this bit for a few weeks now
-and I've been a little
bit worried about it. -Why?
Because I didn't know
if it was pushing
the racism thing too far,
and my fears actually
came true this afternoon.
-What?
-Right before the show started,
we actually got an e-mail,
and this was from a guy
that was at one of our shows
a couple of weeks ago.
The guy's obviously
of Asian descent.
He saw the whole show, including
the Taste of China bit.
He was offended,
and the guy took the time
to write an e-mail to complain.
And I know when one person takes
the time to write an e-mail
like this, there's usually
a bunch of other people
who feel the same
and don't take the time.
I feel bad about this.
I want to make it right
to this guy,
I'd like for you
to read his e-mail
and we're going to
send him the DVD.
Well, thanks
for bringing our show
to a grinding, freakin' halt.
(laughter)
It doesn't matter.
I feel strongly about this,
and it's the right thing to do.
It's to me.
That was the only
weird part about it.
(laughter)
The only thing
I could figure out
is the guy was just trying
to be real specific.
I think he didn't know
your name and didn't care.
Doesn't matter.
-Go ahead and read it.
-Okay.
"Dear Peanut:
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Herro..."
(laughter)
I'm sorr...
(cheering)
Oh, now how could
I pass that up?
You threw a slow ball
down the middle of the plate.
I had to fucking swing.
All right, you got
your laugh. Ha-ha.
Just do it right.
Okay, do it right,
do it right.
All right, go ahead.
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Dear Mr. Peanut...
(laughter)
Herro..."
I'm trying to do
the right thing here.
I'm not.
You know, we have folks of Asian
descent here this evening.
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, so sorry.
Will you stop it?!
(laughter)
It's not right.
- What?
- It's not right.
- What?
- It's not right.
It's "snot" right?
Everybody heard you.
You said "It's snot."
You might as well have gone,
"It's (snorting) right."
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
-What you're doing
is not right. -Okay!
- | t's wrong.
-Okay!
No, Peanut, no!
No!
Not right.
It's bad.
I'm a bad Peanut.
(laughter)
It's not right.
Okay.
It is not...
Stop m.
wright!
I got it!
-(belches)
-Stop it!
Whoo! Egg foo yung! Whoo!
Just read it.
(Chinese accent):
"We see your show rast night
and we raugh and raugh."
(normal voice):
What? They're raughing.
Just do it straight.
Oh, you're such a bitch.
(laughter)
Seriously.
Oh, my G0d...!
-(normal voice): Dude...
- What?
where's your other hand?
(prolonged applause, cheering
and whistling)
I hope you're
wearing a glove.
Do you do this
to the other guys?
Everybody except Jos.
Yeah, you shove
the stick up his ass.
I think I'd rather have that.
You have a stick.
What?
(shrieks)
What the hell was that?!
That's how I work your arm.
(muffled scream)
That explains
why that one sucks.
Just read this.
(Chinese accent):
"Missa Peanut..."
Come on.
Let me stay in character.
All right.
"Why you make fun
of just a-Chinese people?
Why not make fun of...?"
(normal voice):
What does that say?
"People who are brack?"
(belly laugh)
You are so stupid!
(nasal laugh)
I think he's talking
about African Americans.
Yes, he is!
Why does everyone here
know that but you?!
Just read it.
(nasal snickering)
(panting)
"De're much funnier saying
things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie'
"and 'Where my money, bitch?'
"Sincery,
your biggest fan, Bob.
P.S. Your lucky numbers
are 18, 34, 46."
All right, Peanut, time
to introduce the next guy.
Oh, dude, does he have
to come out here?
Why not?
He's a talking jalapeo!
(audience cheering)
Go ahead.
On a stick-k!
$0?
How random is that?
Well, Jose, has been in
our act for years.
I know. And when folks see us,
do you know when
they say the best
time to watch Jos is?
-When? -When they're drunk
off their asses.
In fact, isn't that how you came
up with him in the first place?
I don't know.
But I do know that's when
I came up with you.
You jerk!
Just introduce him.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is
Jose Jalapeo on a Stick!
(audience cheering)
Good evening, Jos.
Hola, Seor Jeff.
How are hue...? Whoops.
What the hell was that?
Were you trying
to say, "How are you?"
and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?"
Why is that we speak perfectly
and you fuck up?
(laughter and cheering)
I don't know.
Would you like me
to help you?
- I'm fine.
- Come on. Follow me
-one word at a time.
- No.
Come on. Just do it.
Do it!
()kay.
()kay.
-How...
-How...
-are...
-are...
YOU-you?
YOU-you?
-Good-good.
-Good-good.
- All right.
- All right.
(audience cheering)
How are you, Jos?
I don't know. It took too long.
Actually, I'm excited, seor.
Why are you excited, Jos?
Probably 'cause you're
holding his stick.
Do you have
to do jokes like that?
It's just weird to me
that in front of everyone,
you're holding Jos's stick-k.
AW Suggestions?
You should at least
take him out to dinner first.
It's just a stick.
Maybe it's actually a handle.
A handle?
Yeah, you could use Jos
as a weapon.
-To hit with?
-Yes!
I want to go back in the box.
No, this is awesome!
"What happened to Frank?"
"He got whacked by a jalapeo."
-On a stick.
-Yes!
Think about it.
You'd be wielding
a Mexican whacker.
-On a stick.
-Yes!
Look, you know how
Batman had his sidekick Robin
and one of their weapons
was a batarang?
Yes, of course.
Oh, dude.
What?
You just showed your geek.
(sniff$)
And it smells like loser.
You're not a loser, seor.
Thank you, Jos.
Suck-up.
Muppet reject.
(laughter)
Hey, he can drop you,
and then I'll throw down
a couple avocados.
and we got guacamole!
I could still burn your ass.
Good point.
All right. (chuckles)
-Look...
-Wait!
The Batman thing just made me
think of something.
-What? -If this comedy business
doesn't work out for you,
-Yeah?
-you can be a crime fighter.
A crime fighter?
Yes. You could be Dunham Man...
with Jos, your trusty
sidestick. (chortles)
I see. So you're saying
I would be a superhero.
Mm, ...ish.
" | sh"? It this like Jewish?
No, Jose, you're not Jewish
'cause then you wouldn't be
Jos Jalapeo.
You'd be Hymie Jalapeo.
On a bagel. (laughs)
Where would you hold him, then?
(chortles)
In the hole.
I am not touching that.
No, you probably never have.
(audience gasps)
Okay.
This sucks!
-So we're a crime-fighting
team, seor? -Yes!
What kind of crime do we fight?
Illegal aliens.
I think there's
a conflict of interest.
Look, so you find the illegals,
whack 'em on the head with Jose,
and every time Jos hits
someone, he yells...
-Ol.
-Yes!
Pretty cool, huh?
I guess so.
But, urn, do I get a costume?
What?
Anything from those
earlier photos.
I'd go with the
red shorts, seor.
Yeah, then you'd be
Ugly-Ass Crackerman.
(laughs)
Okay, look, for this
crime-fighting thing,
how's Jos gonna dress?
Well, he needs a disguise.
ls difficult to
hide a big stick.
I'm not saying anything.
Of course not.
You're still holding it.
Jos, I don't know how
you put up with this.
- I have nowhere else
to go, sefior. -What?
He was evicted.
-What?
-Evicted.
-Really?
-Yep. -S | '.
-You were evicted?
-S | '.
Why didn't you come
to my house?
(snickering)
JOSE: Ask Peanut.
Why didn't he come
to my house?
We told him you loved
eating Mexican food!
I was afraid for my life.
So where'd you take him?
Taco Bell!
(laughter)
That was really mean.
I know!
Hey, look. What about moving
all of Jos's stuff'?
Achmed tried to rent a truck.
No bueno.
(chuckles) So did Walter help?
He couldn't because
of his war injury.
Walter has a war injury?
Yeah, he strained his thumb
playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.
So you and Achmed
did everything.
Yep. Jos didn't lift a finger.
(laughing)
(laughing):
'Cause he doesn't have a finger!
Hey, ever met Jose's sister?
-Don't do it.
-She's really hot.
(shrieking with laughter)
I'm just kidding, Jos.
I know. You're more into fruit.
- Hey!
- Hang on, you guys.
-No, you hang on.
-What?
Why are you laughing at him?
'Cause he's funny.
Oh, he is, is he? I know
what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
You're giving Jos
the better insults.
I'm just listening.
Don't give me that crap.
We all know this is all you.
If you get any closer, he's
going to whack you with me.
Whack.
Ol!
And that's Jos Jalapeo
on a Stick!
(applause and cheering)
Hey.
Wait a minute!
I... I forgot to
tell Jos something.
Open the box back up.
Immigration!
Stop m.
Well, he pissed me off.
Well, Peanut, it's about
time to end the evening.
No way!
What?
-I got one more thing to do.
-No, the show's about over.
-No it's not! I got
one more thing. -What?
Okay, look.
Just trust me on this.
I have a new hobby.
-A new hobby?
-Yes.
What is it?
I am now a ventriloquist, too.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
That was...
that was pretty good.
I know. Compared to me,
you suck.
Really?
Let me show you
how it's done.
-Well, you need a dummy.
-He's in the box.
-You have a dummy?
-Over here, seor.
-He's... in the box?
-Yeah.
Right next to Jos.
-Can I get him out?
-Yep.
JOSE:
Don't touch my stick.
Careful!
What?
(whispering):
He's really ugly.
JOSE:
He is ugly, seor.
He is nasty-looking.
JOSE: He's so scary,
I wet my stick.
-But he's right here. -He's
the only other guy in there,
check it out, look, look, look!
All right, let's see
this, here we go...
(cheering and applause)
I thought
you said he was ugly.
He is!
He looks a little like me.
No... he looks a lot like you!
This isn't funny.
Then why is everyone
else laughing?
JOSE:
I laugh, too, seor.
I laugh so hard
I crack my stick.
-Do you know how to work this?
-Of course I do.
You know there's a little
lever down there...
- I know.
- You grab onto the lever...
-I know.
-and you pull on it...
-I know! -Now, do you have
a hold of the lever?
He's got a hold of something.
See, I can do this, too!
-Fantastic.
-How are you, little ugly Jeff?
-Not good.
-Wait, wait, wait a minute.
You're going to
call him Ugly Jeff?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Little Ugly Jeff.
ls there any other name?
Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
I like that.
JOSE:
Me, too, seor.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
I would prefer you didn't
use the word "ass."
Oh, I didn't really.
It's all one word.
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff,
I am Ass Jeff.
See? It's good.
JOSE: Bravo!
-Gracias. -De nada.
This is ridiculous.
(cheering)
So, how are you,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.
Wait, wait a minute.
Handsome Peanut?
Yes, Peanut is very handsome,
unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.
-He is me.
-Good point.
- I hate my ugly-ass self.
- All right.
-He said he was sad.
-I heard him.
Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?
Because I'm a loser.
Yeah, that is sad.
-And he's ugly.
-And I'm ugly.
-Thank you.
-ls okay.
Will you stop this?
That's a shame,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
I have no idea how I
made it this far in life.
- Me neither.
- No one does.
-I suck.
-All right.
Maybe you can make up
for your loserness
by having a good personality.
- No.
- Doubtful. -No way.
- I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
Okay, look.
You guys really
think this is funny.
-Oh yes.
-S | '. -Definitely.
-The truth hurts.
-Okay.
I'll tell you what, Peanut,
you think that's funny?
I have something here
that you're going to like.
-What?
-Just trust me.
You're going to love this.
What the fuck is that?
Hi, look at me!
I'm a little idiot!
(high-pitched giggles)
-That is not funny.
-Yes, it is!
-No, it's not!
-I think it is.
JOSE: Me, too.
-LOL. -Shut up!
You guys have been awesome.
Thank you. Good night.
(rock music plays)
II
II
You guys are awesome!
We'll see you next time!
Good night!
(beeping)
II
II
II
JEFF DUNHAM: I can't believe
the show starts in half an hour
and Achmed's late.
Maybe he drowned trying
to visit Bin Laden's grave.
(laughing)
Security.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
Bubba J?
Yeah. Well, gotta go.
Beer break.
Wait. Achmed's late.
Keep an eye out for him.
Which eye?
Where could he be?
He went from dead terrorist
to Hollywood diva.
I'm telling you,
the fame went to his skull.
Achmed? No way.
(engine revving)
(evil laughter)
(cackling)
Huh?
(growls)
(bleating)
Ah.
(engine revving)
(evil laughter)
Achmed's here.
I'll go park his car
since there's
no law against drunk parking.
Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.
(loud belch)
(belching continues)
Whoa. ls that a hybrid?
It's the AchmedMobile,
you idiot.
Just be careful parking it
or I keel you.
Didn't hurt.
And whatever you do,
don't touch the red button.
Got it. Touch the red button.
Yes.
-(alarm blaring)
-(9aSPS)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
Jeff Dunham!
(cheering and applause)
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
(cheering continues)
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
-(cheering continues)
-Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
absolutely great to be here
in lovely Richmond, Virginia.
(cheering)
And, you know, we--
I've been doing this show
all over the country,
just having a blast
here, there and everywhere.
The fans are great.
But we've also been taking
my show around the world.
We've been doing shows
in South Africa, Australia,
three tours of Europe
and the U.K.
Now they're talking
about taking me to China.
- Wha-What?
-(laughter)
How am I going to do
my show in China?
All I know is, if I do
do my show in China,
there's a big chunk of my act
I'm going to have to leave out.
(laughter)
You'll recognize it when I do it
here this evening.
(laughter)
But it is interesting going to
some of these foreign countries
and doing press interviews,
because some of the reporters
have done their
homework and care,
others just don't.
For example, I was in London
talking to a guy
and he was like,
(British accent):
"All right, so ventriloquism-
have you eliminated every other
possibility of employment?"
And I have to go, "No, this is
what I've done my entire life."
I've never wanted to do
anything else.
I started very young.
I was eight years old,
I was in the third grade,
Christmas, 1970.
Got my first dummy.
There's Mom and Dad and me
under the tree right there.
You can see how
proud my father is.
(laughter)
But for years
I'd look at that picture
and I'd think, why does he have
that expression on his face?
And then if finally hit me, duh,
look where the dummy's hand is.
- So...
-(laughter)
Yeah, that's creepy.
So I started doing shows
very early.
All the way through
elementary school, junior high,
high school, college.
And this is what I wanted to do.
This was the future I saw.
I saw it.
There were a few people
that didn't see it.
For example, girlfriends.
They'd realize I was sincere
about wanting to talk
to dummies the rest of my life,
and they would dump me
immediately.
I couldn't see what they saw
until a few months ago.
I was sitting down
with my three daughters,
and we were looking
at the yearbooks
from my junior high
and high school years.
My daughters were horrified.
Why? Let me explain.
I started getting paid for doing
my shows in the seventh grade.
And I knew
that if I was going to be
a professional ventriloquist,
I needed a professional photo.
Now my parents were supportive,
but they weren't going
to shell out the cash for that.
So I thought, how am I going
to get a professional picture
of me and the dummy taken?
And then it finally hit me--
school picture day.
(laughter)
(applause)
(laughter and applause builds)
But I thought this was genius.
All I had to do was show up
at school
with the dummy in a suitcase,
stand in line
and when it was my turn,
I'd sit down,
put the dummy on my knee,
smile, click,
professional photo.
And that's what I did,
every year from the seventh
grade through the 12th grade.
The only trouble was,
they'd only take one photo,
and that's what ended up
in every yearbook.
And that's why my daughters
were horrified.
It was boy, girl, girl, boy,
boy with doll, girl...
(laughter)
Don't believe me?
There's seventh grade
right there. There it is.
(cheering and applause)
I'm the one on the right.
Look at that.
That is Justin Bieber hair,
damn it.
(cheering)
So ninth grade came along and
I decided to do the same thing.
This was the bicentennial year
in our country-- 1976.
I was a patriotic lad,
but I didn't want to dress
like Uncle Sam.
No, apparently I wanted
to dress like
a Fourth of July
picnic table cover.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
You know, the funniest thing
to me
about that photo is the fact
that I have braces.
Why is that funny?
Well, the rest of my life
I'm going to be talking
with my mouth shut,
so what's the point?
(laughter)
I know most of you look
at these photos and think,
this is the saddest human being
we've ever met.
Did he have any friends?
Yes, I did.
Here we are sitting
in my bedroom one day.
So now I had about 15 minutes
in my show.
I knew I wanted to add
something else-- some variety.
I thought, music? Yes.
Something cool.
Rock and roll guitar?
No, something cooler.
I'll play the trombone.
(laughter)
I'm going to let--
I'm going to let this photo
soak in just for a minute.
(applause)
There is so much wrong here,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's start
with the least obvious,
and that's my dummy
up in the corner
listening to me play
the trombone, but...
Now let's talk
about fashion, shall we?
(laughter)
How did my mother even let me
out of the house?
And this wasn't some accident
on a Saturday morning
where I accidentally threw on
the wrong clothes.
This was an outfit I wore
to school regularly.
I don't know why I didn't get
beat up on a regular basis.
I must have gone to the store
and said,
"Do you have any pants that
don't even go with themselves?"
(laughter)
This next photo,
you know, my parents
were supportive,
but every once in a while
in a child's life
the parents must step in
and say enough is enough.
Apparently my parents
did not do this,
as is evidenced
by this next photo.
And by the way, there is--
none of these photos
have been photoshopped.
Everything is legit.
Everything's real.
I promise you.
So, that's how sad it is.
But this next photograph--
I don't remember
how it happened.
All I know is that we went to
the professional portrait studio
and this was the family portrait
that hung in our living room
this big, for years.
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
(whistling, cheering, applause)
You know maybe... (laughing)
And the weird part is my parents
had family and friends over
for parties a lot.
And this was hanging right there
in plain view.
No one ever said anything.
They must have thought,
"Well, the food's good.
Let's go to the mentally
ill people's house."
All right, so that's--
that's high school.
High school-- and time
to pick up chicks.
(laughter)
(wolf whistle)
It was the late '70s.
Disco was king.
I had my silk shirt, my dummy
and my porn mustache.
Now this-this next photo I found
in a box just recently.
You know, and some photos
just go without explanation.
I don't remember what this was.
I don't remember
what was going on.
I don't know... I don't know.
(prolonged laughter)
(audience whistling)
Let's examine this, shall we?
I'm standing
in my parents' front yard.
On the hood of this vehicle
is the largest stuffed animal
known to man.
I don't know how I got it home,
I don't know why it was there,
I don't know
what the hell it is.
Also on the hood of the vehicle
is R2-D2.
(laughter)
My dummy is dressed up like
a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff...
and I'm wearing a frickin
Hawaiian shirt.
It's like Torn Selleck jumped
out of the closet and went,
"Guess what!"
And now it's time
to move on to college
and the intellectual years.
I don't even,
I don't even know why.
You know, the photographer
should have
just fallen over laughing.
I don't...
I looked like Sherlock Holmes
with a dummy.
I don't know what that is.
So I graduated from college.
I was living in central Texas,
and I was still doing my shows,
but I knew I was not yet ready
to move out to Los Angeles
to seek fame and fortune,
so I kept doing shows,
as many as I could.
But I also had an unusual hobby.
I became a licensed
helicopter pilot.
But I built and was flying
my own full-size,
real two-seat helicopter.
Now, you would think
that someone who was smart
enough to build and fly
their own helicopter
could maybe pick out
a decent pair of shorts.
(laughter)
Thank you. (laughs)
All I know is, thank God,
the corn was high enough
that nobody on the freeway
could see me.
That's all I can say.
My daughters have been horrified
by these pictures.
They decided to help me out.
They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree.
They are 13, 15 and 19
years of age.
They're the light of my life.
They decided to help me out
with my clothes.
But they decided
to dress both me and Peanut,
and here's what they chose.
(laughter)
(cheering and whistling)
Now, as you can tell
by these photos, uh, the dummies
have been with me
for a very long time.
You can also tell I had
a very poor fashion sense.
I will take most of the blame
for that.
There is, however,
one other person that needs
to take some of that blame,
and that person is my mother.
And I'll prove to you
that this is her fault,
because she did this Christmas
what she does every Christmas
and has for decades.
My parents are in their 80s now,
and every year what my mother
does is, she goes
to a very nice department store,
and she picks out a Christmas
present for me and my father.
She picks out the nicest shirt
that she can find.
And she buys two.
Here's what she chose
this past year.
(laughter)
You know, I love my parents
very much,
and they have been married
for 56 years now.
(audience cheering)
And they are a perfect example
of how a marriage can work.
On the other hand, I've recently
gone through something
that I never thought I'd go
through, never considered it,
never even thought it
a possibility.
I'm recently divorced.
I'm a single father now,
but I always try and look
for the silver lining
in the dark clouds, and one
of the silver linings
about getting divorced is that
I got to pick out my own house
because someone else has
the other house now.
As for my act,
there's an old guy,
who long before I got married,
warned me of the institution.
And now I guess he can say,
"l told you so."
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.
(audience cheering)
Holy crap, will you shut
the hell up?!
(Jeff chuckles)
You, too.
Are you all right?
- No!
- What's wrong?
I'm pissed.
-Why?
-I have no idea.
Well, have you ever
thought about being happy?
-Yeah.
-What happened?
It pissed me off.
What would happen
if you were happy?
Your show would suck.
(laughter)
You know, Walter, just once
I think you should
try being happy.
- You're an idiot.
-(chuckles)
See? What the hell
is wrong with you?
When I call you
an idiot, and you smile,
like I gave you cake.
Do you want to be
in a good mood?
Not if I'd look like a moron
like you, no, thank you.
I've seen you walk by
perfect strangers
and go, "Oh, hello. How are you?
Hoo-hoo-hoo!"
$0?
That makes mothers hide
their children from you.
You don't think
I should be nice
to strangers?
You know, even dogs
sniff assholes first.
(howling with laughter)
Maybe you should try that.
I don't think so.
Actually, there are
those little idiot dogs,
who when they see anyone,
they jump all around
and then pee on themselves.
You ever felt
like doing that?
That's not gonna happen.
Well, you might not jump
all around,
but when you get my age,
you'll piss on yourself.
Well, I'm just happy
to be here tonight.
Where the hell are we?
Richmond, Virginia.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
(audience cheering wildly)
(prolonged applause
and cheering)
JEFF: See?
Uh, just, uh, one question:
Why are we here?
It's a great part
of the country.
Not in the winter. Holy crap.
I don't know.
I hate being cold.
I even got cold
in Vegas last week.
Oh, Vegas, yeah. You
took your wife there.
-Oh, yeah.
-You know, Vegas has become
a great vacation
spot for families.
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
That makes sense.
Take the family to Vegas.
Yeah.
'Cause kids love whores.
(laughter)
"Look, Mommy,
there's a place with poles
like where you used to work."
(laughter)
So, Walter, you been
doing anything fun
since we got here?
Uh, yeah. What did I do today?
-I did something fun.
-What?
I signed up Achmed
to be an organ donor.
Oh, that's funny
as hell right there.
I'm getting sick of that guy.
- I think all this fame
is going to his head. -Why?
He's been doing all
the typical Hollywood stuff.
-Like what? -He's been dating
a goat half his age.
Oh, yeah, an actual goat.
He even got her fake teats.
Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.
Walter, a goat only has two.
(chuckles)
How sick is it that you
actually know that?
What, are you so lonely now,
you're checking out
barnyard animals?
You know, they're
called "petting zoos,"
not "heavy petting zoos."
Come on. What's her name?
-(bleating): Ma-a-argaret.
- Will you...?!
(laughter)
Can we change the subject?
Sur-u r-u re.
I'll change the subject,
all right.
I heard you talking
about something
you hadn't really discussed
onstage yet.
-Right.
-Okay.
So you're talking
about the divorce now.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
So can we talk about it?
I already did.
I didn't.
How weird is it that I can make
him feel uncomfortable onstage?
So that's it, huh?
That's what?
All those years
of being married,
and now it's over.
Yeah.
So, all those years
of raising the girls,
and now the family's
broken up.
Right.
-So, no more marriage?
-Nope.
- No more wife.
- No.
What's it like?!
(loud, uncontrollable laughter)
Oh, please let me live
vicariously through you!
(laughter)
Walter, divorce is
not a good thing.
Oh, you can't lie
to me, asshole.
So what happened?
What happened, Walter,
is that, unfortunately,
in our country these days,
more than 50% of marriages
now end in divorce,
and sadly, mine was
on that side of things.
(voice breaking):
You know, Jeff, I never thought
I'd say this to you,
but you're my hero!
Come on. What's it like
to wake up in the morning
and not hate your life?
To not think,
"Uh-oh, here she comes!"
Ugh!
You can leave your toilet
seat up all the time!
I'd hot-glue mine open,
for God's sakes...
and then shit in the backyard.
Just because I could.
Walter, divorce is painful.
Oh, yeah, like
a deep-tissue massage.
(screams)
(sighs contentedly)
So how long's it been?
Almost three years now.
Oh, okay. So, you
dating anybody now?
Matter of fact, I am.
Oh, good. Female?
Well, you never know.
Sometimes that's the problem.
"Honey, I got bad news
and I got good news.
"Bad news is,
I want a divorce.
Good news is, I'm
on your team now!"
(audience laughs)
Come on, let's knit, Mitch!
So this girl you're dating,
is she the same age as you?
- No.
- Oh. So she's older.
- No.
-(gasps) Younger.
-Yes.
-How much younger?
-It doesn't matter.
-Yes, it does.
Come on. Does she
have nice boobs?
That don't hang down
past her knees?
Do your boobs hang low,
do they wobble to and fro'?
(audience laughs, whistles)
Can you tie 'em in a knot'? J
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em
o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental soldier?
- Do your tits...
- All right!
Where do you hear
a song like that?
I didn't hear it,
I wrote it, dumb-ass.
Bet you never sung it
to your wife.
Every morning!
(wheezing laugh)
That's not funny.
Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
(imitates dog howling)
(imitates dog whining)
-That last part was me.
-I know.
Walter, you make fun
of your wife a lot.
I know. It's funny
as hell, isn't it?
You know, your wife is
supposed to be your soul mate.
You want to be
the pot or the kettle?
(sighs)
You know, I saw an old photo
of you and your wife.
Your wife's quite beautiful.
You saw an old photo.
Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.
I married a petite,
young, beautiful thing.
-Yeah.
-She was eventually eaten
by the woman I live with now.
Ha, ha, ha!
You're just flat-out saying
your wife's overweight.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's under-tall.
Have you ever had
a weight problem?
- Only when she sat on me.
- Will you...?
Ah!
Get off of me!
Actually, it's more like this:
(imitating an echo)
Hello? ...0...0...o...
It's dark in here!
...here...ere...ere...
I found your keys!
...keys...keys...keys...
I am not kidding.
Then she farted and
unlocked the car doors.
What does your wife think
when you do things like this?
I don't care.
Well, I know you care
enough about your wife
to take her on some of
these trips. -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she loves
going on these trips.
I know she loves
window shopping.
Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
(cackles)
Ha! Because in Amsterdam,
there's hookers in the windows!
I love that city. Did you
know that in Amsterdam,
you can legally
purchase marijuana?
I, uh... yeah...
I did know that.
- Do you know where?
- Coffeehouses.
Coffeehouses!
It's my favorite
coffee place ever!
I'd like a latte and a doobie.
And 19 dozen donuts,
thank you.
(laughter)
(applause)
I know you liked Australia.
Oh, I learned a new word
in Australia.
Crickey!
It means, "Oh, shit!"
You know, Walter, I happen
to know the word "crickey"
is actually derived
from the word "Christ."
Oh.
So it means "holy shit."
Am I going to hell?
-Probably.
-Hell.
Well, tomorrow we are driving
through West Virginia,
so what the hell?
(audience roars with laughter)
Why did you do that?
I don't care, I'm going
home in a suitcase.
(laughs)
Did you tell 'em about
our shows in South Africa'?
-Yes, I did.
-Yeah.
-How many shows did we do there?
-Nine.
How many folks were
in the audiences?
Each audience? About five
or six thousand people.
-That's what threw me off.
-The number of people?
- No, the people that were
in the audiences. -What?
Well, everybody in
the audience in South Africa,
they were all,
you know, uh... white.
-So?
-What do you mean, so?
We were in Africa, you moron.
Haven't you ever looked
at National Geographic?
I thought everybody there was,
uh, you know... the opposite.
And then I'd look out
in the crowd and I'd think,
"Well, where the hell
are all the flies?"
Oh! Like you haven't seen
the same commercials I have!
Everybody looked healthy!
I'm sitting there thinking,
well, that "We Are the World"
thing really worked out!
You're welcome!
Hell, the way our
economy is here now,
they should be sending us
back some of that money.
Okay, Walter, uh,
a couple of things.
First of all, the area of
South Africa we were in,
yes, the population was
predominately white.
Oh, duh.
And as for the extreme poverty,
yes, there's a lot of that
in many areas in South Africa,
as well as many other nations
in Africa; it's a
very sad thing.
Uh, there's aid
being sent every day...
Will you calm down?
What are you, Bono, now?
I'm just saying, it's a great
concern, it's very sad,
it's being taken care of,
they're being helped.
Okay, okay, Okay-
The housing is awful...
Ooh, can we talk
about the housing?
- No.
- Okay, listen up.
Wait a minute.
-In the poorest areas...
-We, we went there.
Yeah, we visited them.
I'm not making any jokes,
I'm just passing on information.
In the poorest areas, their
houses-- I'm not kidding-
were all built out of poo.
Cow dung.
Shit.
Aw, come on, their houses
are built out of shit!
Who the hell made
that decision?
Couple of guys sitting around
one day, Mtoomba and Chuck.
"Chuck"?
I don't know any
African names, do you?
So Mtoomba and Chuck are
sitting there one day,
and Mtoomba says, "Hey Chuck,
we're going to build a house."
'Course they weren't
talking in English,
-it was some African language.
-Sure.
Yeah. Probably one of those
where they click and stuff.
(clicking tongue)
(hissing, clicking)
-That was Mtoomba.
-Oh.
What did he say?
"Hey, Chuck, we're
gonna build a house!"
(clicking)
-Was that Chuck?
-Yeah.
All right. What did he say?
"Okey-dokey."
And then he said, "What the hell
we gonna build 'em out of?"
And the other said,
" | don't know.
Well, do we have any materials
just laying around?"
"Hmm...
(gasps)
We can use shit!"
(laughter)
So that's what they
decided to do.
But that's not the weird part.
What's the weird part?
All the women said, "Okay."
Oh, come on. They built
their houses out of poo.
It's like the fourth little pig
that no one talks about.
"This little pig built
his house out of bricks,
"this one out of sticks,
and this one out of straw,
but the fourth little pig
built his house out of poo-poo!"
Yeah. Disney never
told you about him.
"And the Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll... Oh, my God!"
"l got shit in my nose!"
(laughter)
"What is this, a caca casa?
"Some kind of crap cottage?
"No, it's a poo palace!
"It's a doo-doo dwelling!
"It's a fart fort, I tell ya."
And she lives in a shit shack.
(audience cheering, applauding)
You wake up in the middle
of the night and go,
(sniffs) "What's that smell?
Oh, it's the Wall."
Before you go inside, do you
have to take off your shoes?
When you drop food, is there
a three-second rule?
I don't...
It's raining! Run!
Not long after that,
we went a little bit north,
-and went into Europe and the
UK. You enjoyed it there. -Yeah.
Did you like the
city of London?
I don't know,
I got confused one day
-standing in our hotel lobby.
-Why?
Some big old black guy
walked in to me
and started speaking English
with a British accent.
I thought I was in
the Twilight Zone.
I swear, some big old black guy
walks up to me and goes,
(posh British accent):
"Oh, good afternoon, sir!"
I'm like, who the hell is making
you talk? What the hell?
And then I didn't know
what to call him.
He wasn't an African American.
Yeah, didn't think
of that, did you?
What is he, African English?
Why can't we just go back
to using the word "black,"
it was so much easier!
I have a black dog,
not an African retriever!
(laughter)
Then we went to Ireland.
-I got all confused there.
-Why?
Everybody's last name
starts with
O'Malley, O'Shea.
- I think I know a black Irish
guy. -Who's that?
O'Bama.
(laughter)
I don't think Obama's Irish.
Maybe he's half-Irish,
half-African American.
I can't wait to meet him.
I'm going to walk up and go,
"Hey, top of the morning
to you there, dawg."
(laughter)
"How's your health care
hangin, yo-yo?"
"Hey, that last election
was a bee-yotch."
-Say good night, Walter.
-Thank you.
That's Walter. There we go.
(cheering and applause)
(whistling, cheering
and applause)
Thank you.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a terrorist
amongst us.
(cheering and whistling)
And I don't know
how it's gotten to the point
that I can actually give this
introduction, but here it is.
Please help me welcome
the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world--
Achmed the dead terrorist.
(cheering and applause)
(evil laughter)
Greetings, infidels!
(cheering and whistling)
It's good to see you, Achmed.
Ooh, it's good to see you,
too, infidel number one.
So you know where we are?
Yes, South Africa.
(laughter)
No?
But Walter said if they're
all white, it's South Africa.
(laughter)
No. We're-we're back
in the United States.
(gasps)
Are they pissed?
About what in particular?
Well, you know,
I kind of look like, uh...
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, a cab driver.
(laughter)
No, I think you're fine.
And for the folks who
might not know, Achmed,
you are a suicide bomber.
Yes, I am.
Don't stand too close.
(evil laughter)
And I think a lot of us
might like to know
how you feel about
the death of Osama.
(gasps) I didn't do it.
(laughter)
I didn't say you did.
Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh.
(laughing):
All right, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Did you have something
to do with it'?
Yeah.No!
Yes... No, no, no... no!
That Navy SEAL training
was just for laughs.
(giggling)
Wait a minute, you
trained as a Navy SEAL?
No... Ye... No! No!
How did you know?
Who said anything
about Navy SEALS?
I'm just a simple
little terrorist.
Stop interrogating me!
Damn it, you're good at this!
(laughter)
You're not going to tell
anyone, right?
Tell them what?
Oh, thank you.
I will tell you what
I do know, though.
What's that?
When Bin Laden died,
there were no 72 virgins
waiting for him.
(laughter and applause)
No?
No. It was some kind
of misunderstanding.
Turned out, it was one
72-year-old virgin.
(laughter)
Osama is stuck forever
with Bea Arthur.
(laughter)
And Osama and I agree that
that 72 virgin thing
is highly overrated.
How's that?
Who wants to hear this 72 times?
"Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo!
You're gonna call me, right?"
(laughter)
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You
communicate with Osama?
-Of course.
-How?
On Face-Shot-Off-Book.
(laughter)
So...
(cheering, applause
and whistling)
So, where...
where exactly is he?
Well, he won't say, but
I'm pretty sure it's Hell.
Why d0 you say that?
Well, they get cable,
but they only get one channel.
-What?
-The Oprah Winfrey Network.
Wait a minute.
(laughter and applause)
Come on, Achmed, a lot of people
love Oprah.
Were you ever on her show?
- No.
- She doesn't love you.
And also I know why
they would not show
the photo of dead Osama.
Why is that?
It's a little hard to explain,
but when he was killed,
he was dressed up like Cher.
(laughter)
Well, since he's dead,
do you think they're going
to come after you now?
(laughing)
Wait, what?
Well, you're a terrorist.
Yeah, but I suck at it.
You know, the military
has the deck of cards
of the 52
most wanted terrorists.
Are you one of those?
Yeah, but I'm in
the Go-Fish deck.
(laughter)
Well, what did you think
about them burying him at sea?
I think it's cool
that he could end up anywhere.
What do you mean?
That is one episode
of SpongeBob I got to see.
(laughter)
(cackling)
I wrote that. I keel me.
Achmed, since you're
clearly a terrorist,
are you Muslim?
No. Scientologist.
(laughter)
But you used to be Muslim?
No. Look at me.
I'm too extreme.
I was Catholic.
(laughter)
Really?
-And Methodist...
-What?
-Buddhist...
-What?
-And Baptist...
-What?
-And Capricorn.
-Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to offend
as many infidels as possible.
(evil laughter)
And speaking of offending,
do you know what that
idiot Peanut did to me?
What?
He stole my ShamW0w.
(laughter)
It's not funny!
Silence!
(laughter)
Wait for it.
(uproarious laughter)
(cheering)
l keel you!
(cheering and applause)
That's fantastic.
Let's do it together.
One, two, three...
ALL: I keel you!
They're talking to you.
(laughter)
So, Achmed, are you
enjoying Richmond?
Oh, I love the nightlife here.
Uh, what part of
the nightlife?
They have live sex shows.
Really? Where?
In the hotel room
right next to mine.
(laughter)
(laughter)
What?
That's my room.
(cheering and whistling)
Next time you should
get a partner.
(laughter)
Can we talk about
something else?
I'm trying to throw up,
but I don't have a stomach.
(laughter)
So, look, Walter and I
were talking earlier,
and you've gotten pretty famous
now, lately, haven't you?
Oh, yes.
And I think very soon,
I'm going to need my own posse.
That's with an "O."
(laughter)
Po-o-o-sse.
P-P-00...
. .0539 .
Posse.
Why are you explaining that?
In Amsterdam, they thought
I said something else.
(laughter)
I don't even like cats.
(laughter and applause)
P-P-o... P-P-o...
P-P-0...
P-P-P-o...
P-P...
P-P-0...
P-P-P...
How am I doing that
with no lips?
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
That's what she said.
-(cackling)
(laughter)
I can't believe you did that.
That's what she said.
(laughter)
Will you stop it?
That's what she said!
I don't like this.
(squealing):
That's what she said!
(laughter)
How long is this?
(high-pitched squealing):
That's what she said!
(loud laughter and applause)
Think about it.
So you were talking
to Walter earlier?
Damn it!
Yes, and I said,
"I'm going to call
you my bee-yotch."
That means "bitch."
I know that.
I'm sorry.
I'd been watching
Pimp My Camel.
You do seem like you've been
in a pretty good mood lately.
- Do you know why?
- No.
Because like Santa Claus,
I have been making
a list of people
to kill twice.
Santa doesn't kill people.
He does if he's Terror Claus.
Terror Claus?
I've never heard of him.
Ch...
He kills you
when you're sleeping
He chokes you when you wake
He knows if you are Catholic
or Jew
So denounce
your infidel faith.
(laughter and cheers)
That's terrible.
But catchy!
Have you heard
of the Terror Bunny?
- No.
- He hides Easter bombs.
Look, Mommy.
(mimics explosion)
That's even worse.
I know. Thank you for noticing.
What do you want,
more stinking knock-knock jokes?
That might be better.
-Okay. Knock-knock.
-Who's there?
Me. I keel you again.
(laughs)
You're such an idiot.
You keep answering the door!
Where I am from,
the game we teach
our children is,
when someone says,
"Knock-knock,"
you shut the fuck up and hide.
So, Achmed, did your
parents have much
to do with what you do now?
Well, uh, I guess so.
My father was
a suicide bomber.
Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?
Well, I have his eyes.
In a box.
And I like to hide them
wherever Walter is sleeping.
That way, when he wakes up,
it scares the crap out of him.
WALTER (distant):
You son of a bitch,
I'll kick your ass right now!
(applause and cheering)
ls that case locked
from the outside?
Yeah. Why?
'Cause he still scares
the crap out of me!
So, Achmed, do you have
any good memories
of your father?
Uh, for my eighth birthday,
-he got me a puppy.
-That's good.
-No, it turned into a disaster.
-Why?
Because sometimes my father was
a very confused man,
and that day my mother told him
-to go out and blow up
some party balloons. -Yeah?
(sadly): And that's how I
got a dog with no legs.
You had a dog with no legs?
Yeah, he was great.
I had him
for many years.
Oh. So what'd you call him?
Seriously?
Seriously.
What?
I had a dog with no legs.
What did you call him?
Seriously?
Okay, you're a comedian, right?
Yeah.
I had a dog
with no legs.
(sinisterly): Ask me again.
What'd you call him?
I didn't call him anything
because he could never come.
It's not funny!
Achmed, that's, that's, like,
the oldest joke ever.
(voice breaking): Yes, but
in my case, it was true.
AUDIENCE: AW...
Thanks.
Could he do any tricks?
He could roll over.
It's not funny because if there
is any kind of an incline,
he couldn't stop himself!
He looked like a runaway
can of pinto beans
rolling down a hill.
It was the only time I ever
saw a cat actually laugh.
Meow. (hiccups)
Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)
(faster) Meow. (hiccups)
Meow. (hiccups)
(gasping groan)
What was that?
I killed the fucking cat.
So, Achmed, when did you
know you wanted
to be a suicide bomber?
After talking
to my guidance counselor.
Your guidance counselor?
-In high school.
-High school?
Al Qaeda High.
Al Qaeda High?
Ch...
All hail
to the Al Qaeda High
We blow up, then we die.
Everybody!
Wait, wait, wait. This is
your high school?
Who's your mascot?
The next guy on the list.
Oh, it was, like
"Go, team! (mimics explosion)
Next.
So how were the cheerleaders
at your school?
Oh, we didn't even have girls.
NO girls?
No. I had to take
my buddy Omar to the prom.
Hey, he could dance!
Later, he became
The Village Person.
I'm not kidding!
Wait. Your buddy Omar
was in the singing group
-The Village People?
-Uh-huh.
-Which guy was he?
-What?
Was he, like, the cowboy
or the construction worker?
- Indian.
- He was the Indian.
(chanting):
J HV-ya, hyya, hy-ya. J"
(mimics explosion)
What was that?
A bomb.
Native Americans
didn't use bombs.
T Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.
(hisses, thud, groans)
Hey! They got it!
They knew that I got shot
by an arrow.
I must be a pretty good actor.
Can I try it again to make sure
-it wasn't a fluke?
-Sure.
Okay, this time, slightly
bigger arrow, more drama.
(hisses, thud)
(screaming loudly)
Oh, look at that!
(audience cheering)
I'm a thesbian.
Not like Ellen.
Well, she's a lesbian,
and I said "thesbian"
and the words are similar.
Not in meaning.
Unless you're
a lesbian thesbian.
Chika-chika, wrow-wrow.
-I like Ellen.
-Yeah.
-She's cute.
-Yeah.
-You think I got a shot
with her? -A shot?
You know, like, to date her?
Oh, come on. She could play on
the other team
for a little while.
You know, like a visitor.
Achmed, she's married
to another woman.
(gasps) Who is this bitch?
Come on. What does she
have that I don't?
What? I no longer
have the hoogh-hagh.
Don't look!
You look to my hoogh-hagh area,
I keel you where you stand.
But if I keel you,
please don't drop me.
What happened to your hoo-ha?
My What?
You said you no longer
have a hoo-ha.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
I said, hoogh-hagh.
What the hell's a "hoo-ha"?
That's like a laughing owl.
Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!
What happened
to your hoogh-hagh?
Oh, after the explosion,
it ended up
over there, over there
and up there.
I see.
So you no longer have
a... a hoogh-hagh.
- No.
- But you like women?
Yes. (gasps)
I'm a lesbian!
I told you I got a shot
with Ellen!
Do you think she likes actors?
I don't know.
Let me try this arrow
thing one more time.
-I can prove I can act.
-Okay.
Okay, this time,
much bigger arrow,
much more drama.
(hisses, thud)
(loud groaning scream)
(scream fades)
(resumes screaming louder)
I got shot in the shoulder,
not gonna die.
(screams)
Now in the stomach.
(hisses, thud, groans)
(sustained gasping groan)
(weakly):
Tell Ellen I love her!
(gasping and groaning)
Okay, I'm done.
I can sit up now.
Actually, you can't.
What?
(laughing): Your ribs
are caught on your spine.
Hang on one second.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
What?!
Son of bitches!
I keel you from here,
you asshole!
You feed me a sandwich
every once in a while,
this shit would not happen!
(screams)
I'm a lesbian,
not a cheerleader!
(laughter and cheering builds)
(loud whistling)
(low voice): I keel you.
I keel you till you're dead!
And that's worse.
You make a barbecue joke...
(laughter)
... | keel your family.
What part of my family?
(laughter and cheering)
We can talk.
All ri... (laughs)
Sorry about this.
How do you feel?
Kind of cold.
Cut it out.
Why?
It tickles.
Can I... can I try
and put this back?
What am I now?
Fucking Lego Achmed?
I hate you.
-I want Ellen here...
-Oops.
(audience cheers, applauds)
- Didn't hurt.
- All right.
So Achmed, let me
get this straight.
So there were never
any girls at your school.
No. But for some reason,
we had a girls' restroom.
I see.
And one day, Omar and I
snuck in there to explore.
- The girls' restroom?
- Uh-huh.
And what'd you find?
A couple of strange
and wonderful things.
Like what?
Well, we found a machine.
And if you put
two shekels in it,
a small missile would come out.
- A missile?
- Well, I think it was.
It had a little white fuse.
And it must have been
a very special missile,
because it was lightly scented.
And then you could put two
shekels in the other machine
and get the bonus
accuracy package.
-What?
-It had wings.
And you used these missiles?
With confidence.
- Really?
- Always.
(laughter)
(audience whistling)
Achmed, I've never heard of
anything like this before.
Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel.
I've been to your house,
I've seen in your
cabinets and drawers,
many of these
missiles hidden away.
It looks as though you
are preparing for war.
Every four weeks, it feels
like that, I'd say so.
So your soldiers have
synchronized their time clocks.
You could say that.
-Well, good luck in your
battles, my friend. -Thank you.
I fear there will
be much bloodshed.
(laughter)
What are the infidels
laughing at now?
I'll explain it to you later.
l keel you!
Look, Achmed, I have a surprise
to share with you tonight.
(gasps)
You're going in the closet?
No, and by the way, the, the,
the phrase is "coming
out of the closet."
Oh, congratulations!
No, I'm not coming
out of the closet.
You're going to continue
to hide the truth?
I'm not hiding in anything.
So everyone knows now?
Congratulations!
Achmed, I have a girlfriend.
(gasps) Does she know?
Maybe she will
like this one guy.
There is no one guy.
Then there are many guys?
You are a whore.
Now, you should be stoned.
-Achmed...
-What would your mother say?
I'm not a whore.
Of course your mother would
say she's not a whore.
I'm straight.
Straight, crooked,
we do not need
to know such graphic details.
(laughter)
I mean, I have a girlfriend.
Not for long.
Not when she finds out
about your many boyfriends.
Whore!
Will you please listen
to what I'm saying?
I do not talk to whores.
You are dead to me.
You're dead to all of us.
(applause and cheering)
- So, Achmed...
- I'm not listening!
La-Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Achmed, there's someone here
I want you to meet.
(gasps)
One of your whore boyfriends?
I think not!
No, I think this is someone
you would like to see.
(gasps) ls it a woman?
No.
I already have a goat.
This is a surprise guest.
(gasps) Ryan Seacrest?
-Nope.
-Damn it!
Look. What I want you to
do is, I just want you
to look over there while
I'm getting him out,
-so you won't peek.
-Okay.
-Just look over there.
-O... wait a minute.
When I'm not looking,
are you going to keel me?
-No. -That's actually a good way
of doing it, you know.
Kinda old-school,
but effective.
It's like "Hey, look at that!"
(chokes) Aaah...
No, just look over there, and
don't look back until I say so.
-Okay, whatever. This is kind
of like Christmas, huh? -Yeah.
-Just look over there.
-Okay.
-And don't peek.
-Okay.
-Right. -Not gonna peek.
Just stay over here.
"New?
"NM!
Okay! (muttering)
(applause and cheering)
(screams)
(yells)
Who the hell is that?
(British accent):
Hello, Father.
(audience whistling, applauding)
(prolonged cheering
and whistling)
It's your son, Achmed Junior.
AJ?
That's right.
ACHMED: Wait...
I thought you were dead!
Surprise.
This is great.
Hey! What happened to your face?
Oh, yeah. My bad.
Achmed, he's your son.
Look at him. What do you see?
Well, he does have my eye.
(cackling laugh)
Actually, I do. Yes, I do.
Why do you sound
like Elton John?
When you were separated
after the accident,
he was raised in England.
Did my mum miss me?
Uh... yeah. I don't know.
What the hell.
How do you not know?
Oops.
What's wrong with your leg?
Nothing!
What's wrong with my leg?
I don't know.
- Can you fix this?
- No, I don't think so.
Damn it.
-Don't look at me.
-Sorry.
Um, we're going to get
Marnel to help us.
-What?
-Marne | , he works for me.
I know Mar, Mar, Marnel!
Come fix my leg!
(murmuring)
Thanks.
(applause)
He's kind of cute.
Okay, moving on!
Wait a minute. How do you
not know who his mother is?
I had 46 wives, you idiot.
They all dressed the same,
and their faces were covered.
How'd you tell them apart?
The numbers on their backs.
That's terrible.
I know, Mother's Day is a bitch.
And so are most of the mothers.
That's not funny at all.
"Ata | | "?
Who is "Ata | | "?
Was she your mother?
I don't remember
a woman who was all
bulgy-eyed like you.
- Bulgy-eyed?
- Well, look at him.
Well, you're not
exactly squinting.
At least my face is balanced.
You manage to look asleep and
terrified all at the same time.
-Achmed, he's your son.
-Well, the apple
doesn't fall far from the tree,
and apparently this one got run
over by a fucking lawnmower.
You caused the accident.
Accident? It was
a huge explosion,
with great fire
and destruction.
- You didn't mean for it
to happen. -I did, too!
-You did not!
-No, Ii... Oh, shit.
Marnel!
Son of a bitch!
Are you talking to me now?
Fix it right,
or I kick your ass.
Marnel!
Come back!
My arm is stuck in
my pelvis, you asshole.
(laughter, applause
and cheering)
He can fix my pelvis anytime.
-Shut up!
-Okay, look.
Okay, look. So the explosion
you were talking about,
how did it happen?
Very precise and
careful planning.
-Not exactly.
-I said shut up!
-What happened?
-Nothing.
He was putting gasoline
in his scooter.
So why was there an explosion?
Shit happens.
He was using his cell phone.
-Really?
-What?
While putting gas
in your scooter.
You know that's dangerous.
Well, it was your
mother who called.
-ACHMED JR: Really?
-I don't know.
-What was her name?
And you guys haven't had
any contact since?
-Not much. He's a bad son.
-I am not.
Tell him what you sent
me for my birthday.
It was an honest mistake.
What'd you send him?
He sent me a bottle
of skin lotion.
(laughter)
-He made it worse.
-What'd you do?
I sent him back half a bottle.
-(Achmed laughs)
-(audience laughs)
You know, maybe you should
try and patch things up.
Looks like he needs more
than a fucking patch.
But I'm here for a reason.
What, a skin graft?
Sorry, I'm all out.
Fuck! (yelling)
Come fix my fucking leg!
Get duct tape, you asshole!
(chuckling):
He actually brought duct tape.
(laughter and cheering)
He's kinky, too.
Shut up!
So, Achmed, do you know
why AJ is here?
Well... Wait a minute.
This isn't some crap about
owing child support, is it?
That bitch!
- Whichever one she was.
- No, that's not...
This is bad,
'cause I've seen the crap
that you're going through
and I don't know how you
can afford even a T-shirt.
Thank you.
Did I say that
just how you wrote it?
(laughter)
Yes. Thank you.
Okay. Good luck with the judge.
I hope he's fair.
Actually the judge
is a woman.
You're fucked.
(laughter)
Okay, listen, you...
Achmed, you're getting hostile.
Of course I'm getting hostile.
I'm a terrorist, you idiot.
You piss me off, I keel you.
Would that really
solve anything?
Pretty much, yeah,
I think it does.
Okay---...
I have nothing in common
with my own son.
-Well, just talk to him.
-How?
I don't know,
like you would anybody.
Okay, W.T.F.
O.M.G.
I mean O.M.A.
(laughter and applause)
And you have no idea
why he's here?
To start his training
as a terrorist. -No, Father,
that's just it--
I don't want to be a terrorist.
(gasps) But I want you
to be just like me.
Well, I'm not, and I won't be.
Achmed, can you accept that?
(voice breaking):
I guess I can try.
And, Ad, what Y? he
doesn't accept W?
lkeelyou.
That's my boy!
(cheering and applause)
He's purple, he's wacky,
he's been around for a while.
Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!
(cheering)
How you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
How about you? -I'm fine.
That's good, that's good,
that's goo-ood.
(cheering)
-Wow.
-You like it here?
I love it here.
It's beautiful. It's sold out.
The place is paid for.
We must be on
an Indian reservation.
And these are all Indians.
Look, Peanut, first of all,
the more politically correct
term these days
is Native American.
Oh, yeah.
I certainly wouldn't want
to piss 'em off.
They could try and scalp me,
but all they'd get
is a fishing lure.
(laughter)
I guess that is a little less
confusing of a term, though.
-What?
-Native American.
-Why?
-'Cause when you say Indian,
you don't know which one
the hell they're talking about.
-What?
-ls it the ones that go...
(war chant):
Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya.
or the ones that go...
(Indian accent): Thank you
for calling customer support.
(laughter and cheering)
But in this case, I'm talking
about the ones that go...
(war chant):
Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya.
Weep vdme)".
3 XI-Va. y-ya. a
(high-pitched):
J HY-Ya, hy-ya... how.
Do you know what
that chant means?
No, but I think it means,
(chanting): J I forgot
the words, hy-ya, hy-ya.
You know, we have plenty
of Native Americans
here this evening.
Oh, goody. Let's play craps.
(laughter)
What? They've got the
reservations and the casinos
and making millions of dollars
every day hand over fist.
They're laughing
all the way to the bank.
Oh, that's what it is--
they're laughing.
(chanting):
J Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. J
(laughter)
What is wrong
with you tonight?
You're being a little
extra annoying.
I'm sorry.
I got cranky today because
we didn't have anything
to eat on the bus.
Right. We haven't been
to the store in a while.
-So you know what
I had to do? -What?
I had to phone order
take-out Chinese food. -Oh.
Have you done this lately?
Phone order take-out
Chinese? No.
Excuse me, but do these guys
get together in the morning
and decide who speaks
English the worst?
(laughter)
(Chinese accent):
Okay, Chin, today your day
to take the phone order.
Oh, Chin making a
fool of you... (gibberish)
(laughter)
So here's me
placing a phone order
for take-out Chinese food.
What was the name
of the restaurant?
Oh, Taste of China.
Hello, I'd like to place
a phone order today.
Oh, this is Chin... (gibberish)
Okay, I need two orders
of kung pao chicken.
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, you like kung pao chicken?
I like kung pao chicken, too...
(gibberish)
(laughter)
Okay, and I need
something with salmon.
Ooh, you like-a the fish?
You like-a the fish?
It tastes... (gibberish)
Yeah, and I need chopsticks.
Oh, no fork?
(laughter)
I said I need chopsticks.
No fork?
Chopsticks. No fork?
No fork, no fork.
Taste a-vagina like fish.
(laughter and applause)
Could you repeat that?
No fork.
Taste a-vagina like fish.
Did you get it?
No fork. Taste a-vagina...
They got it!
First of all, do you know
how racist that is?
And that's a-why
it's so fuckin funny.
(cheering)
Now, Peanut, you've been doing
this bit for a few weeks now
-and I've been a little
bit worried about it. -Why?
Because I didn't know
if it was pushing
the racism thing too far,
and my fears actually
came true this afternoon.
-What?
-Right before the show started,
we actually got an e-mail,
and this was from a guy
that was at one of our shows
a couple of weeks ago.
The guy's obviously
of Asian descent.
He saw the whole show, including
the Taste of China bit.
He was offended,
and the guy took the time
to write an e-mail to complain.
And I know when one person takes
the time to write an e-mail
like this, there's usually
a bunch of other people
who feel the same
and don't take the time.
I feel bad about this.
I want to make it right
to this guy,
I'd like for you
to read his e-mail
and we're going to
send him the DVD.
Well, thanks
for bringing our show
to a grinding, freakin' halt.
(laughter)
It doesn't matter.
I feel strongly about this,
and it's the right thing to do.
It's to me.
That was the only
weird part about it.
(laughter)
The only thing
I could figure out
is the guy was just trying
to be real specific.
I think he didn't know
your name and didn't care.
Doesn't matter.
-Go ahead and read it.
-Okay.
"Dear Peanut:
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Herro..."
(laughter)
I'm sorr...
(cheering)
Oh, now how could
I pass that up?
You threw a slow ball
down the middle of the plate.
I had to fucking swing.
All right, you got
your laugh. Ha-ha.
Just do it right.
Okay, do it right,
do it right.
All right, go ahead.
(heavy Chinese accent):
"Dear Mr. Peanut...
(laughter)
Herro..."
I'm trying to do
the right thing here.
I'm not.
You know, we have folks of Asian
descent here this evening.
(heavy Chinese accent):
Oh, so sorry.
Will you stop it?!
(laughter)
It's not right.
- What?
- It's not right.
- What?
- It's not right.
It's "snot" right?
Everybody heard you.
You said "It's snot."
You might as well have gone,
"It's (snorting) right."
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
Daddy, don't hit Mommy.
-What you're doing
is not right. -Okay!
- | t's wrong.
-Okay!
No, Peanut, no!
No!
Not right.
It's bad.
I'm a bad Peanut.
(laughter)
It's not right.
Okay.
It is not...
Stop m.
wright!
I got it!
-(belches)
-Stop it!
Whoo! Egg foo yung! Whoo!
Just read it.
(Chinese accent):
"We see your show rast night
and we raugh and raugh."
(normal voice):
What? They're raughing.
Just do it straight.
Oh, you're such a bitch.
(laughter)
Seriously.
Oh, my G0d...!
-(normal voice): Dude...
- What?
where's your other hand?
(prolonged applause, cheering
and whistling)
I hope you're
wearing a glove.
Do you do this
to the other guys?
Everybody except Jos.
Yeah, you shove
the stick up his ass.
I think I'd rather have that.
You have a stick.
What?
(shrieks)
What the hell was that?!
That's how I work your arm.
(muffled scream)
That explains
why that one sucks.
Just read this.
(Chinese accent):
"Missa Peanut..."
Come on.
Let me stay in character.
All right.
"Why you make fun
of just a-Chinese people?
Why not make fun of...?"
(normal voice):
What does that say?
"People who are brack?"
(belly laugh)
You are so stupid!
(nasal laugh)
I think he's talking
about African Americans.
Yes, he is!
Why does everyone here
know that but you?!
Just read it.
(nasal snickering)
(panting)
"De're much funnier saying
things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie'
"and 'Where my money, bitch?'
"Sincery,
your biggest fan, Bob.
P.S. Your lucky numbers
are 18, 34, 46."
All right, Peanut, time
to introduce the next guy.
Oh, dude, does he have
to come out here?
Why not?
He's a talking jalapeo!
(audience cheering)
Go ahead.
On a stick-k!
$0?
How random is that?
Well, Jose, has been in
our act for years.
I know. And when folks see us,
do you know when
they say the best
time to watch Jos is?
-When? -When they're drunk
off their asses.
In fact, isn't that how you came
up with him in the first place?
I don't know.
But I do know that's when
I came up with you.
You jerk!
Just introduce him.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is
Jose Jalapeo on a Stick!
(audience cheering)
Good evening, Jos.
Hola, Seor Jeff.
How are hue...? Whoops.
What the hell was that?
Were you trying
to say, "How are you?"
and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?"
Why is that we speak perfectly
and you fuck up?
(laughter and cheering)
I don't know.
Would you like me
to help you?
- I'm fine.
- Come on. Follow me
-one word at a time.
- No.
Come on. Just do it.
Do it!
()kay.
()kay.
-How...
-How...
-are...
-are...
YOU-you?
YOU-you?
-Good-good.
-Good-good.
- All right.
- All right.
(audience cheering)
How are you, Jos?
I don't know. It took too long.
Actually, I'm excited, seor.
Why are you excited, Jos?
Probably 'cause you're
holding his stick.
Do you have
to do jokes like that?
It's just weird to me
that in front of everyone,
you're holding Jos's stick-k.
AW Suggestions?
You should at least
take him out to dinner first.
It's just a stick.
Maybe it's actually a handle.
A handle?
Yeah, you could use Jos
as a weapon.
-To hit with?
-Yes!
I want to go back in the box.
No, this is awesome!
"What happened to Frank?"
"He got whacked by a jalapeo."
-On a stick.
-Yes!
Think about it.
You'd be wielding
a Mexican whacker.
-On a stick.
-Yes!
Look, you know how
Batman had his sidekick Robin
and one of their weapons
was a batarang?
Yes, of course.
Oh, dude.
What?
You just showed your geek.
(sniff$)
And it smells like loser.
You're not a loser, seor.
Thank you, Jos.
Suck-up.
Muppet reject.
(laughter)
Hey, he can drop you,
and then I'll throw down
a couple avocados.
and we got guacamole!
I could still burn your ass.
Good point.
All right. (chuckles)
-Look...
-Wait!
The Batman thing just made me
think of something.
-What? -If this comedy business
doesn't work out for you,
-Yeah?
-you can be a crime fighter.
A crime fighter?
Yes. You could be Dunham Man...
with Jos, your trusty
sidestick. (chortles)
I see. So you're saying
I would be a superhero.
Mm, ...ish.
" | sh"? It this like Jewish?
No, Jose, you're not Jewish
'cause then you wouldn't be
Jos Jalapeo.
You'd be Hymie Jalapeo.
On a bagel. (laughs)
Where would you hold him, then?
(chortles)
In the hole.
I am not touching that.
No, you probably never have.
(audience gasps)
Okay.
This sucks!
-So we're a crime-fighting
team, seor? -Yes!
What kind of crime do we fight?
Illegal aliens.
I think there's
a conflict of interest.
Look, so you find the illegals,
whack 'em on the head with Jose,
and every time Jos hits
someone, he yells...
-Ol.
-Yes!
Pretty cool, huh?
I guess so.
But, urn, do I get a costume?
What?
Anything from those
earlier photos.
I'd go with the
red shorts, seor.
Yeah, then you'd be
Ugly-Ass Crackerman.
(laughs)
Okay, look, for this
crime-fighting thing,
how's Jos gonna dress?
Well, he needs a disguise.
ls difficult to
hide a big stick.
I'm not saying anything.
Of course not.
You're still holding it.
Jos, I don't know how
you put up with this.
- I have nowhere else
to go, sefior. -What?
He was evicted.
-What?
-Evicted.
-Really?
-Yep. -S | '.
-You were evicted?
-S | '.
Why didn't you come
to my house?
(snickering)
JOSE: Ask Peanut.
Why didn't he come
to my house?
We told him you loved
eating Mexican food!
I was afraid for my life.
So where'd you take him?
Taco Bell!
(laughter)
That was really mean.
I know!
Hey, look. What about moving
all of Jos's stuff'?
Achmed tried to rent a truck.
No bueno.
(chuckles) So did Walter help?
He couldn't because
of his war injury.
Walter has a war injury?
Yeah, he strained his thumb
playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.
So you and Achmed
did everything.
Yep. Jos didn't lift a finger.
(laughing)
(laughing):
'Cause he doesn't have a finger!
Hey, ever met Jose's sister?
-Don't do it.
-She's really hot.
(shrieking with laughter)
I'm just kidding, Jos.
I know. You're more into fruit.
- Hey!
- Hang on, you guys.
-No, you hang on.
-What?
Why are you laughing at him?
'Cause he's funny.
Oh, he is, is he? I know
what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
You're giving Jos
the better insults.
I'm just listening.
Don't give me that crap.
We all know this is all you.
If you get any closer, he's
going to whack you with me.
Whack.
Ol!
And that's Jos Jalapeo
on a Stick!
(applause and cheering)
Hey.
Wait a minute!
I... I forgot to
tell Jos something.
Open the box back up.
Immigration!
Stop m.
Well, he pissed me off.
Well, Peanut, it's about
time to end the evening.
No way!
What?
-I got one more thing to do.
-No, the show's about over.
-No it's not! I got
one more thing. -What?
Okay, look.
Just trust me on this.
I have a new hobby.
-A new hobby?
-Yes.
What is it?
I am now a ventriloquist, too.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
That was...
that was pretty good.
I know. Compared to me,
you suck.
Really?
Let me show you
how it's done.
-Well, you need a dummy.
-He's in the box.
-You have a dummy?
-Over here, seor.
-He's... in the box?
-Yeah.
Right next to Jos.
-Can I get him out?
-Yep.
JOSE:
Don't touch my stick.
Careful!
What?
(whispering):
He's really ugly.
JOSE:
He is ugly, seor.
He is nasty-looking.
JOSE: He's so scary,
I wet my stick.
-But he's right here. -He's
the only other guy in there,
check it out, look, look, look!
All right, let's see
this, here we go...
(cheering and applause)
I thought
you said he was ugly.
He is!
He looks a little like me.
No... he looks a lot like you!
This isn't funny.
Then why is everyone
else laughing?
JOSE:
I laugh, too, seor.
I laugh so hard
I crack my stick.
-Do you know how to work this?
-Of course I do.
You know there's a little
lever down there...
- I know.
- You grab onto the lever...
-I know.
-and you pull on it...
-I know! -Now, do you have
a hold of the lever?
He's got a hold of something.
See, I can do this, too!
-Fantastic.
-How are you, little ugly Jeff?
-Not good.
-Wait, wait, wait a minute.
You're going to
call him Ugly Jeff?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Little Ugly Jeff.
ls there any other name?
Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
I like that.
JOSE:
Me, too, seor.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
I would prefer you didn't
use the word "ass."
Oh, I didn't really.
It's all one word.
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff,
I am Ass Jeff.
See? It's good.
JOSE: Bravo!
-Gracias. -De nada.
This is ridiculous.
(cheering)
So, how are you,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff?
I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.
Wait, wait a minute.
Handsome Peanut?
Yes, Peanut is very handsome,
unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.
-He is me.
-Good point.
- I hate my ugly-ass self.
- All right.
-He said he was sad.
-I heard him.
Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?
Because I'm a loser.
Yeah, that is sad.
-And he's ugly.
-And I'm ugly.
-Thank you.
-ls okay.
Will you stop this?
That's a shame,
Little Ugly Ass Jeff.
I have no idea how I
made it this far in life.
- Me neither.
- No one does.
-I suck.
-All right.
Maybe you can make up
for your loserness
by having a good personality.
- No.
- Doubtful. -No way.
- I'm sorry.
- Me, too.
Okay, look.
You guys really
think this is funny.
-Oh yes.
-S | '. -Definitely.
-The truth hurts.
-Okay.
I'll tell you what, Peanut,
you think that's funny?
I have something here
that you're going to like.
-What?
-Just trust me.
You're going to love this.
What the fuck is that?
Hi, look at me!
I'm a little idiot!
(high-pitched giggles)
-That is not funny.
-Yes, it is!
-No, it's not!
-I think it is.
JOSE: Me, too.
-LOL. -Shut up!
You guys have been awesome.
Thank you. Good night.
(rock music plays)
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You guys are awesome!
We'll see you next time!
Good night!
(beeping)
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