Jeff Dunham: I'm With Cupid (2024) Movie Script
- I'm funnier than he is, but
they told me to introduce him.
Here's Jeff Dunham!
[upbeat rock music]
- Well, welcome to my
Valentine's Day special and...
[cheers and applause]
There are at least two things
in this world
that I know are
completely universal.
We all need love and laughter.
Audrey and I have now been
married for 11 and 1/2 years,
and I, I am the luckiest man
on the planet.
I say that every single day.
Yeah, and--
But now the world turns,
and I have twin boys,
Jack and James.
They are eight years of age.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks.
But you know, with the kids,
you never know
what you're going to get.
There's some DNA mixed in with
how you raise them.
No matter what you do,
they could turn out
to be little shits anyway, so.
But at age eight,
all kids are sponges.
You know, they hear stuff,
and they repeat it
whether they should or not.
And if I had known
earlier in life
than later in life
I was gonna have more kids,
I might not have said
some of the things I did
in some of
my stand-up specials.
There's a couple of specials
where Peanut imitates
porno music.
And I'm not kidding, I don't
know how many times I've caught
James walking through
the house all by himself,
and he's going
boom, chicka, wow, wow
And you know I'm gonna get
that call from school.
"Mr. Dunham, James has been
imitating pornographic music."
I'm like, "oh, yeah,
he got that from his mom.
I have no idea
where that came from, so."
Speaking of love,
are you guys ready for
the little people in the boxes?
[cheers and applause]
All right.
In classical mythology,
Cupid is the god of desire,
erotic love, attraction,
and affection.
So ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome Cupid.
[upbeat rock music]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Shut the hell up.
[mocking laughter]
You know how much
I hate you right now.
- Hello, Cupid.
- I'm Walter, damn it.
- Yeah, but tonight
you're supposed to be Cupid.
- I'd rather be
working at Walmart.
- [chuckles]
Just play along.
- [mockingly] Just play along.
- So Valentine's Day is a busy
time for you, isn't it, Cupid?
- This qualifies as
elder abuse.
- It looks like you're ready to
get to work for Valentine's
Day. Are you feeling OK?
- No, I'm half naked and
my nipples are chapped.
And what kind of costume is
wings and Depends?
These lights are too bright.
Put my sunglasses on.
- You want sunglasses?
- Put on the damn sunglasses.
It's too bright out here.
Whatever, just put 'em on me.
Oh, you're gonna blind me.
What the hell is wrong
with you?
- There.
- Oh, ah, much better.
[cheers and applause]
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.
I'm Joe Biden!
[cackling laugh]
I'm president
and I can't get up.
- Will you stop?
Walter--
- Ah, come on.
Folks say I look like him
all the time.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they're like,
"are you Joe Biden?"
I wouldn't want
to disappoint them,
so I say, "I don't know,"
and they believe me!
- I'm taking these off.
- Well, that was easy.
- So as Cupid, your job is
to go around
shooting arrows into
people's hearts,
which then makes them
fall in love, right?
- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust,
whatever you want to call it.
- Oh. So what's the difference
between love and lust?
- 50 bucks.
Less in certain
parts of Florida.
- Oh.
Yeah, and why do
you shoot arrows?
- I don't know,
TSA took my Glock.
How about that?
[grumbles]
- Let's talk about
relationships.
- Oh, I am an expert on that.
- OK.
So how should a man approach
a woman he's attracted to?
- From the rear.
- No.
- And with the size of
some of the asses these days,
that could be considered
a long distance relationship.
- So, Cupid, aren't greeting
cards a good way
of expressing your love
for someone?
- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting
cards are good for anybody.
In fact,
I've written a few myself.
- Some greeting cards?
Can you recite a couple for us?
- Sure.
- Do you have one for
longtime married couples?
- Oh, absolutely. Here we go.
[clears throat]
"Our love all these years has
been a blissful occurrence.
I wish you would die so I could
collect the insurance."
- No.
- OK.
How about one
for younger couples?
- Younger couples, great.
- OK.
"Meeting you was amazing luck,
and I think of that most
each time that we--"
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- "Have dinner." What did
you think I was gonna say?
You're a bad man.
- So how is your love life?
- Oh, you mean
me as Walter and--
and with the wife?
- Yeah.
- Well, things are different
at our age.
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
We're actually kinkier now.
- OK, I don't want
to hear about it.
- Yeah, now she offers me
the choice:
teeth in or teeth out.
Trust me, you'll see.
- OK.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
- I didn't say that.
- Do you ever tell your wife
that you love her?
- Of course I do.
- How often do you tell her?
- Once.
- A day?
- A year.
- Well, that's not very much.
- It adds up.
- I guess you tell her
on Valentine's Day?
- No.
- Mother's Day?
- No.
- Christmas?
- April Fools.
I'm kidding.
- Good.
- Yeah, I tell her
every February 29th.
- Let's talk about romance.
- Oh, great.
- All right.
Just some simple things.
Do you and your wife
ever watch movies together?
- Yeah, she wants to
watch our wedding movies.
- That's nice.
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
- I know what happens next.
- So when you proposed,
did you get down on one knee?
- Yeah, I had to.
I didn't want to
look her in the eye.
Say, I got a joke-joke for you.
What does Disney World
have in common with Viagra?
- I don't know, what?
- An hour-long wait
for a two-minute ride.
- You're not gonna start
telling joke-jokes now,
are you?
- Oh, sure.
I'll do some wife jokes
and get you canceled.
- Walter--
- Hang on, hang on.
My wife is so ugly.
crowd: How ugly is she?
- She sat on her iPhone
and it unlocked.
That's butt ugly.
- We got it.
- OK.
Calm down, though,
it's not one sided.
- How's that?
- Every Valentine's Day,
she gets me sweetheart candies
with sayings on them.
- Oh, like "be mine"?
- No, no.
"Do not resuscitate."
I will say, though,
we did go to a marriage
counselor one time.
- You did?
- Oh, yeah.
He said I should
take my wife out
and treat her like I did
on our first date.
- Sounds like a good idea.
- Yeah.
So I took her to dinner,
felt her up,
then dropped her off
at her parents' house.
- But despite that kind of
stuff, the love life is OK?
- Yeah, we do our best.
We tried role playing with
a little French maid outfit.
- Ooh, how'd that go?
- Uh, she said
it was too tight.
- Ah.
- And my accent was bad.
See, I put the maid outfit on.
- They got it.
- And then I had her put it on.
- OK.
- Not because it was sexy.
I thought she might...
- Walter.
- Finally...
- Walter.
- Do some...
- Walter.
- Fucking housework.
- Walter!
You really are trying
to get me canceled.
- No, I'm trying to get
my fucking house cleaned.
- Please!
Say good night, Walter.
- Thanks, Tampa Bay!
- Thanks, Walter.
[cheers and applause]
- This next guy is from
somewhere down south in the US.
Please help me welcome Bubba J.
[upbeat rock music]
[cheers and applause]
- [chortles]
- How you doing Bubba J?
- I'm doing purdy good!
- So what's been going on
with you lately?
- Well, last week I went to
my best friend's wedding.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
It was a combination wedding
and gender reveal party.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He was very happy to find out
that she really was a woman.
Yeah, always a nail-biter,
right, guys?
- And how's your family?
- They're all good.
- Yeah, and, uh,
what's your wife's name?
- Uh...
- Bubba J?
- Oh, no, that's my name.
- But she's doing well?
- Yeah, she's great.
- You two have a lot
in common, don't you?
- Yeah, we're made
for each other.
- I bet.
- Yeah, you know,
we both got the exact same
results in our DNA tests.
- Bubba J, how can you be
so smart on one hand,
and so stupid on the other?
- Well, you're half of it.
- Well, you know, Bubba J,
during the show tonight
we've been talking about
that romantic day in February.
- Yeah, Groundhog Day.
- No, it's a romantic day.
- Romantic?
- Yeah, February 14th is
the day for lovers.
- Oh. [chortles]
Lovers.
You mean the day you watch
the no-no channels?
- The no-no channels?
- Yes.
Like, "no-no, you're not
doing that to me."
- No.
- No, not "no."
It's no-no.
[giggling]
- I'm talking about romance.
- So am I.
- Do you and your wife
ever watch
actual sweet romantic movies?
- Like what?
- You know, things like
where the guy gets the girl.
- Oh, yeah,
like Freddy Krueger?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- No.
- I don't know.
- Come on, what first
attracted you to your wife?
- Well, she's really hot.
- OK.
- Yeah.
And she's really big.
- Oh.
- Yeah, so it was gravity.
- Yeah--oh.
- Yeah, if she spins around too
fast, she'll suck you right in.
- And how's the romance
between you two?
- Oh, it's purdy good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
In fact, one of your little
boys taught me something.
- What's that?
- Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- So when you proposed,
did you ask her father
for her hand in marriage?
- I sure did.
I called him up and I go,
"hey, Uncle Phil,
it's me, Bubba J."
And you know our wedding
was half the cost
of the average wedding.
- How's that?
- Huh! Just one family.
Yeah, the whole left side
of the church was empty.
- Oh. [chuckles]
You ever go out with your wife
for a romantic evening
and whisper sweet nothings
in her ear?
- What's a sweet nothing?
Oh, I know.
[whispering]
Diet Coke.
- No, sweet nothings are
just flattering things
that you say softly
to someone you love.
- Oh, yeah, like,
[whispering]
"you're as hot as your mother."
Hey, hey!
He thinks this crap up, not me.
My wife is beautiful, though.
- That's very sweet.
And what makes her beautiful?
- Six beers.
- No.
- OK, less if the light is dim.
- All right. [laughs]
And how dim should it be
for you to look good to her?
- [chortles]
Total frickin' darkness.
- How's the rest of
your family doing?
- They're good.
- How's your sister?
- She just got married.
- Oh, really? So she got hit
by Cupid's arrow.
- [chuckles]
No.
Our yard guy needed
citizenship.
- That's not right.
- You think they'll leave
that joke in your show?
- I--
I doubt it.
- Ol!
- All right.
So I know your birthday
is coming up.
You're gonna get a little TLC?
- [chortles]
Jeff, it's spelled KFC.
You should come over
next weekend.
I'm barbecuing a turkey.
- Oh, you love doing that,
don't you?
- Yeah, and we may or may not
- Yeah, and we may or may not
have some skinny dipping
going on.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
[gurgling]
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- [chuckles]
What?
Bubba J, where did you learn
to talk like that?
- Oh, you drink as much
as I do, you fucking learn.
- All right.
So, Bubba J, how about your
favorite part of the show?
- OK, great.
This is the part
where you get to hear
what I think about stuff
after I've had one too many.
Or maybe five, or eight,
or the whole keg.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- So welcome to
the Valentine's edition of
Bubba J's
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
[pensive piano music]
Oh, I like the music.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, puts me in the mood.
- Oh, mood for what?
- [gurgling]
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Just go.
- OK.
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
For Valentine's Day,
my wife said
she wanted her favorite flower.
So I gave her Bisquick.
The first time someone
wished me "happy VD,"
I thought,
"how the hell did they know?"
When a woman says that
I must love her from afar,
what that really means is that
she filed a restraining order.
One-night stands
make me feel empty.
- Yeah.
- Which means it went great.
- I'm sorry.
- Guys, never get involved
with a farm animal.
- What?
- I know, I know.
Moo means moo.
When a woman asks you
if you know
the quickest way to her heart,
don't do what I did and stick
your head between her tatas.
That was the worst ever
birthday for Grandma.
[crowd groans]
Oh, too far?
Yeah, too far?
- Too far.
- Yeah.
[gurgling]
Oh, wait, it's Grandma.
[gurgling]
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
- Happy Valentines, Tampa!
[cheering]
- He's purple, he's wacky.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut!
[upbeat rock music]
[cheers and applause]
- [laughing]
- How are you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
How about you?
- I'm fine.
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
[cackles]
Ha-ha!
- Cut it out.
- I'm a little asshole,
short and stout
This is my handle,
I can't show you my spout
[cackles] Ha-ha!
- Stop it!
Peanut!
- Jeff-fa-fa!
- Do you know why we're here?
- I do.
- We've been talking about
Valentine's Day.
- I have been listening,
and you have finally come to
the right guy
to talk about romance, my man.
- You?
- Yes, me. For example:
that is not just a suitcase
you got me out of.
- No?
- No!
That, my friend, is where
I take the ladies.
- What?
- That is the Luggage of Love.
- The luggage?
- Of Love.
And you know it by the music.
- The music?
- Yeah.
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Peanut, no one but you
can fit inside that suitcase.
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
- Maybe just and Jos Jalapeo.
[crowd whooping]
On a stick.
[chuckles]
- OK, don't be gross.
I refuse to allow
a stick in my box.
I-I just said that out loud,
didn't I?
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
Well, I meant it. Both ways.
- All right. [chuckles]
Have you been on
any dates lately?
- Well, I think about it a lot.
- You think about
going on dates?
- Yeah, I do.
I try and figure out
how to make it happen
without you being there too!
- Right.
- It's not easy.
I just seem to lay there.
- [chuckles]
- It's not funny!
It's like
my own "Toy Story" hell.
And no Woody.
- [laughs]
Wha--
- Maybe a little Buzz.
- All right. [laughs]
- But I'm looking good,
right, ladies?
[crowd hollering]
That is Fifty Shades of Purple
right there.
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Look, Valentine's Day.
It's the holiday of love.
- It is about love, isn't it?
- Of course.
And who is that extra special
person in your life right now?
- Well.
- Is there someone?
- [sniffles]
No.
[crowd groans sympathetically]
[whimpers]
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
[high-pitched]
Thank you.
- I'm really sorry.
- I know.
But look at you.
- Yeah.
- And Walter. And Bubba J.
You all have someone.
- You know, maybe Jos
could help you.
- Help me what?
- Find a date.
- [laughs]
Wait, you're serious?
- Well, I've heard--
- You've heard what?
- He's Latin.
- So?
- You know, a Latin lover.
- On a stick?
- Why don't we ask him?
- Oh, no.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
Jos Jalapeo on a Stick.
[cheers and applause]
Good evening, Jos.
- Buenas noches, Seor Jeff.
And others.
- He's not, uh, happy with me
right now.
- We are not speaking.
- Why not?
- Don't worry about it.
- He ate my cousin Julio.
- You ate his cousin Julio?
- Well, how was I supposed
to know?
He was just laying there
next to the dip.
Not saying anything.
I thought he was a popper.
- [laughs]
- I don't want to talk to you.
- Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually...
really sorry, Jos.
- He died doing
what he loved most.
- What was that?
- Burning your mouth.
- He did do that.
- Right.
- And later your ass.
- I'll let you know.
- OK.
So, Jos, you think you can
help Peanut get a date?
- S, I know women.
- You?
I have never seen you
with a woman!
[scoffs] You're in that box
all day long.
- S, but many of the times,
I am not alone.
- Oh, come on.
Who gets in there with you?
- Ask your mother.
- Hey!
What the hell?
- [laughs] All right.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
- I'll deep fry his ass.
- No.
- And his stick.
- Steeck.
- Whatever.
- Calm down.
- He said he was with
my mother!
- I know.
- My mother can't fit
in Jos's box.
- No, but Jos can fit in
your mother's--
- No, but Jos can fit in
your mother's--
- All right!
- What the hell?
- I'm--
[laughs]
- I'm gonna slice him up
and serve him
on our next plate
of frickin' nachos.
- And that's when
I burn your ass.
- You can't!
- Yes, I can.
- I don't have an ass!
It's an elbow.
- That sounds much worse
than a stick.
- All ri--
[laughs]
- I thought this was gonna be
a lot more fun.
- That's what I said
to your mother.
- Hey!
- All right!
Wait--wait a minute.
- I bet your mother
had a steeck.
- Not as big as your sister's.
- Oh, will you stop it,
both of you?
Say good night, Jos.
- I am Jos Jalapeo.
- On a Stick.
- There he is.
- Hey!
- All right.
[cheers and applause]
- All right, look, Peanut,
have you ever tried
online dating?
- Well?
- I thought that maybe
we could help you out
by filling out a profile
on one of those sites
and see how it goes.
- Oh, OK.
- I pulled up the site.
- Yeah.
- And let's enter your profile.
Let's see what happens.
- OK.
- So for example,
OK, uh, name.
- OK, first name, Pea,
last name Nut.
- That's not right.
- There's two blanks.
What are you gonna do?
Initial P then last name
[gargles]?
Sound like
you're talking backwards.
[mimics talking in reverse]
- Height?
- Six four.
- You're like two four.
- Objects in mirror are
larger than they appear.
- OK, now it's asking
your relationship intent.
Is it long term, short term,
short but open to long term,
not sure.
- Is there a checkbox for
"wham, bam, thank you ma'am"?
- OK, sexual orientation.
- Upside down.
- No.
- Sideways?
- No.
- About face.
- Stop it.
- That's what she said.
- [laughs]
I have no idea
what you're doing!
- She also said that.
- Wh--
what do I enter?
- He said that.
- Stop it!
Income?
- What?
- Income.
- Outcome?
- What?
- Income, outcome. How come?
- Read this, right there.
- Uh, "the amount of money
you make anally."
- Annually!
- Oh, that's way different.
It's amazing how one little
missing U can rock your world.
And make it difficult to walk.
- [laughs]
OK, we've now gotten to
the part of the show
that I'm not really sure about,
Peanut.
- What's that?
- Well, as the audience knows,
before the show started, many
of them were given these cards
and asked to write you
questions about
love and relationships,
anything to do with Valentines.
- Yep.
- So, uh, where is--
all right,
I can't read the first name.
Is it "Fru--"
Fr--
person: Frank!
- Oh, Frank?
- It looks like "Fruck."
- All right, Frank.
"Dear Peanut,
I got my wife these tickets
for our 10th anniversary.
Is this enough?"
- Let's see, 25th anniversary
is silver, 50th is gold,
and 10th is warm beer
and a puppet show.
Yes, you're a good, Frank.
- John Simmons.
"Dear Peanut, are children
with peanut allergies
allowed to play with you?"
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Yes, they are.
Deal with the itch, bitch.
- Oh, that's--
Kate and Sherry.
"Dear Peanut,
what advice would you give
"a married lesbian couple
that's been with each other
for 14 years?"
- Do you know?
- No.
- I don't know either.
Clearly, we don't have
anything you need.
- Where are Dennis and Cathy?
Aw! "Dear Peanut,
"we reconnected at our 56th
class reunion two years ago.
Should we get married?"
[crowd shouting approval]
- I guess so.
Are you the last two left?
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Uh, John McLendon.
"Dear Peanut, after 20 plus
years of marriage,
"how can I get my wife to,
you know, want to,
"you know, have, um,
well, you know, sex?
Any thoughts?"
- Well, John,
clearly from this question,
it shows you like to
beat around the bush.
And there's your problem.
- Say goodnight, Peanut.
[cheers and applause]
- There's a character that has
been in my act for many years,
but for various reasons,
he has now been all but banned
from any new television
programming.
[cheers and applause]
And because of all that,
he is not with us here tonight.
[crowd groaning, booing]
However!
It seems that
he has a distant cousin...
a long-lost relative
who apparently is immortal
and Greek and a god.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
the Greek god, Achimedes.
[upbeat rock music]
- [cackling]
- [cackling]
[cheers and applause]
Greetings,
mortal human infidels!
[cackles]
It is I!
What's my name?
- Achimedes.
- Achimedes!
I am the ancient Greek god
of keeler love.
- What--what's killer love?
- Not killer, keeler!
- Keeler.
- Yes.
- And where are you from,
Achimedes?
- Uh...
- Mount Olympus.
- Mm--what?
- Yes.
- OK.
Mount the platypus!
- No.
- What?
- Mount Olympus.
- Yes, don't forget the puss.
I am from the mountain
of platypuses!
- No.
- Platy-pussies?
- No, no! No!
- I'm not sure I can say that.
- Just forget it.
- Silence!
I love you.
[laughter and applause]
- Really?
- Yes.
It's "silence! I love you."
- That's different.
- Yes, I know.
I call it keeler love.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- I got it.
- I keel you! With love.
- And what is your job,
Achimedes?
- I am a god.
- I didn't know that
being a god was a job.
- And I didn't know that
talking to dolls was a job,
but here we fricking are.
- So you're not dead?
- No. I am immoral.
- [chuckles]
- What?
- Immortal.
- I-- what? I don't know
that word in English.
- It means you live forever.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
- I love this country so much!
- But you're not dead.
- No, I am not dead.
Do I look dead?
- Well, yes.
- Silence!
I love you.
- [snorts]
- I have to be honest.
That "I love you" thing
just feels wrong to me.
- You're doing great.
- OK.
- If you're a Greek god,
why are you here on Earth?
- I don't know.
We didn't talk about that.
Stick to the script.
- Just--just go with it.
- What?
- Just go with it, ad lib.
- OK.
- So, Achimedes,
why are you here?
- Uh, to play Powerball.
- What?
- Well, you said to ad lib.
The jackpot is huge!
And you know us Greek gods,
we love to gamble.
Right?
- I don't know.
- Damn it, just go with it!
Quick,
what's a good gambling game?
- Uh, craps.
- What?
- Craps.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- That's a game?
- Yeah, it's huge in Vegas.
- Gross, OK.
Yes, my favorite thing to do
in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
- No.
- What?
What?
"Give a crap"?
- No, no.
- I don't give a crap.
- No.
"To play craps."
- That's worse.
You're like monkeys in a zoo.
What the hell, dude?
Hey, by the way,
did you see my new friend?
- Your new friend?
- No.
Uh, over there in the case.
Get her out.
- Over here?
- Yeah.
- OK.
[crowd whooping]
What--what is this?
- Not what, who.
- Sorry.
- You'll hurt her feelings.
It's my little sheep.
- Oh.
A ewe?
- A what?
- A ewe?
- Yes, it's a-me.
Are we a-speaking Italian now?
- No, she's a ewe.
- No, she's a-not a-me.
I a-mean she's a her.
- No, she is a ewe.
- She is not a-me.
What is a-wrong with a-you?
- I don't know.
What's wrong with the ewe?
- What?
- You just said there's
something wrong with the ewe.
- No, I didn't.
I'm fine!
- Not you, her.
- You?
What, now me?
What the fuck?
- [breathes deeply]
A female sheep is a ewe.
- No, she's a-not a-me,
and stop a-making a-fun of
the Italianos!
- Can I pet your ewe?
- [screams]
Do not touch me!
- Not you, that ewe.
- What?
- Your ewe has very nice wool.
- What?
And you are a pervert!
- So otherwise, uh, how's it--
how's it going
being a Greek god?
- Actually, it's not too bad.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's so much fun being famous.
- I bet.
- Yeah.
Folks now stop me
on the street.
They asked me for my autograph,
they want to take selfies.
- I would think that
looking like you do,
people would be afraid of you.
- Of course they are.
[chuckles]
- Oh, so you're saying
it's good being Achimedes.
- Oh, no, no.
They think I'm Nancy Pelosi.
I mean, look at us!
The resemblance is uncanny.
- Achimedes.
- [screams]
I forgot you were here.
I would like to do
this act solo.
- Really?
- Yes, I do not need you.
- Oh, I think you do,
but you can do what--
[laughter]
- Holy crap.
Did my arm just fall off?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
- Well, I got to kick it
over into place.
- Ow!
You stepped on my pinkie.
How the hell did I know that?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
- [gasps]
This is so sudden.
- No.
- Put it back.
- All right,
just hang on a second.
- Come on.
- I don't know
how this goes in here.
- That's what she said.
- All right. OK.
So I think the next thing--
- Son of a bitch,
don't drop me.
- I'm trying not to.
- Put 'em back!
- I'm--I'm working on it.
Here, let's put these here.
- [screams]
That does not go there!
- Stop.
- What the hell, dude?
Look like I had
a five-fingered wiener.
I don't have that.
- No.
- But if I did, my underwear
would fit like a glove.
- [chuckles]
- Put it back!
- [laughs] I'm working on it.
- And fix my feet, asshole.
- OK.
All right, there.
All right, there's good.
All right, here we go.
- Son of a bitch!
What am I, a fucking clock?
I don't know if I'm coming
or going.
- OK, just sit still.
- Take your hand off my wiener.
What?
- You--you don't have a--
- I know, I know, I know.
It's not there.
- OK.
- I lost it in an explos...
[grunting]
...sive game of poker.
- [chuckles softly] You--
you lost--
- My wiener in a poker game.
You should have seen
the other guy.
- So I was talking about
Valentine's Day earlier.
Do you do anything special
on Valentine's Day?
- I have a romantic dinner
with my wives.
- Oh, Greek gods have wives.
- Yes, wives and virgins.
- Mm.
What's the difference?
- I call it "graduation."
- But don't you have one
particular favorite sweetheart?
- Well, it's not easy to say.
- The one you like spending
the most time with.
- [gasps]
Oh, yes, of course.
She's the greatest of all time.
- Ah, the greatest of all time.
She's the G.O.A.T.
- [bleating] Yes.
- But, Achimedes, are there
any actual people
that you like?
- Well...
I like you.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I think you are my best friend.
- Well, thank you.
- And isn't Valentine's Day
when you say that?
- Well, you can say that
at any time but
yeah, friends can be recognized
on Valentine's Day too.
- OK. And I--
I kinda need you.
- Well, thank you.
- I mean, 'cause otherwise
I might fall off of this thing.
- Right.
- But it's more than that.
- Thank you.
And I feel the same way.
- [softly] Thanks.
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
- [chuckles]
- What are you laughing at?
- Well, sometimes I ad lib
myself into a corner,
and don't quite know
how to get out of it.
So.
- Yeah, it's a little awkward.
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
- Uh, what was that song?
- What?
- What was the name
of that song?
- I don't--wait.
How the hell do I know
the lyrics to the song
and you don't know the name?
- I don't know. I--I--
I know it's from the '70s.
- Well, thank you, Casey Kasem.
What are you doing?
- What's the name of that song?
I got to--
I was right,
it was Harry Nilsson.
Uh, yeah, it was "Without You."
- What are you doing?
- I just--I don't know.
Play "Without You"
by Harry Nilsson.
- You don't have the signal.
That is never going to--
oh, you got--
[song playing]
- No, I can't forget
this evening
Or your face
as you were leaving
But I guess that's just--
- Oh, look,
the phones are coming out.
It's going to be like
a rock concert!
- You always smile,
but in your eyes
- Look at that!
- Your sorrow shows
- You can do that, that's--
[laughs]
- No, I can't forget
tomorrow
When I think of
all my sorrows
When I had you there
but then I let you go
- I love this.
I think I'm going to cry!
- And now it's only fair
that I should let you know
- OK, we're going to have to
sing the chorus.
Are you ready?
Here it goes, everybody!
- Oh
[all singing]
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give any more
- Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
Say goodnight, Achimedes.
- Thanks, Tampa Bay.
I love you!
[upbeat rock music]
- You guys have been
an awesome audience.
Thanks for coming out.
Happy Valentines Day,
everybody.
[upbeat rock music]
[beeping]
- MTV
they told me to introduce him.
Here's Jeff Dunham!
[upbeat rock music]
- Well, welcome to my
Valentine's Day special and...
[cheers and applause]
There are at least two things
in this world
that I know are
completely universal.
We all need love and laughter.
Audrey and I have now been
married for 11 and 1/2 years,
and I, I am the luckiest man
on the planet.
I say that every single day.
Yeah, and--
But now the world turns,
and I have twin boys,
Jack and James.
They are eight years of age.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks.
But you know, with the kids,
you never know
what you're going to get.
There's some DNA mixed in with
how you raise them.
No matter what you do,
they could turn out
to be little shits anyway, so.
But at age eight,
all kids are sponges.
You know, they hear stuff,
and they repeat it
whether they should or not.
And if I had known
earlier in life
than later in life
I was gonna have more kids,
I might not have said
some of the things I did
in some of
my stand-up specials.
There's a couple of specials
where Peanut imitates
porno music.
And I'm not kidding, I don't
know how many times I've caught
James walking through
the house all by himself,
and he's going
boom, chicka, wow, wow
And you know I'm gonna get
that call from school.
"Mr. Dunham, James has been
imitating pornographic music."
I'm like, "oh, yeah,
he got that from his mom.
I have no idea
where that came from, so."
Speaking of love,
are you guys ready for
the little people in the boxes?
[cheers and applause]
All right.
In classical mythology,
Cupid is the god of desire,
erotic love, attraction,
and affection.
So ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome Cupid.
[upbeat rock music]
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Shut the hell up.
[mocking laughter]
You know how much
I hate you right now.
- Hello, Cupid.
- I'm Walter, damn it.
- Yeah, but tonight
you're supposed to be Cupid.
- I'd rather be
working at Walmart.
- [chuckles]
Just play along.
- [mockingly] Just play along.
- So Valentine's Day is a busy
time for you, isn't it, Cupid?
- This qualifies as
elder abuse.
- It looks like you're ready to
get to work for Valentine's
Day. Are you feeling OK?
- No, I'm half naked and
my nipples are chapped.
And what kind of costume is
wings and Depends?
These lights are too bright.
Put my sunglasses on.
- You want sunglasses?
- Put on the damn sunglasses.
It's too bright out here.
Whatever, just put 'em on me.
Oh, you're gonna blind me.
What the hell is wrong
with you?
- There.
- Oh, ah, much better.
[cheers and applause]
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.
I'm Joe Biden!
[cackling laugh]
I'm president
and I can't get up.
- Will you stop?
Walter--
- Ah, come on.
Folks say I look like him
all the time.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they're like,
"are you Joe Biden?"
I wouldn't want
to disappoint them,
so I say, "I don't know,"
and they believe me!
- I'm taking these off.
- Well, that was easy.
- So as Cupid, your job is
to go around
shooting arrows into
people's hearts,
which then makes them
fall in love, right?
- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust,
whatever you want to call it.
- Oh. So what's the difference
between love and lust?
- 50 bucks.
Less in certain
parts of Florida.
- Oh.
Yeah, and why do
you shoot arrows?
- I don't know,
TSA took my Glock.
How about that?
[grumbles]
- Let's talk about
relationships.
- Oh, I am an expert on that.
- OK.
So how should a man approach
a woman he's attracted to?
- From the rear.
- No.
- And with the size of
some of the asses these days,
that could be considered
a long distance relationship.
- So, Cupid, aren't greeting
cards a good way
of expressing your love
for someone?
- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting
cards are good for anybody.
In fact,
I've written a few myself.
- Some greeting cards?
Can you recite a couple for us?
- Sure.
- Do you have one for
longtime married couples?
- Oh, absolutely. Here we go.
[clears throat]
"Our love all these years has
been a blissful occurrence.
I wish you would die so I could
collect the insurance."
- No.
- OK.
How about one
for younger couples?
- Younger couples, great.
- OK.
"Meeting you was amazing luck,
and I think of that most
each time that we--"
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- "Have dinner." What did
you think I was gonna say?
You're a bad man.
- So how is your love life?
- Oh, you mean
me as Walter and--
and with the wife?
- Yeah.
- Well, things are different
at our age.
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
We're actually kinkier now.
- OK, I don't want
to hear about it.
- Yeah, now she offers me
the choice:
teeth in or teeth out.
Trust me, you'll see.
- OK.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
- I didn't say that.
- Do you ever tell your wife
that you love her?
- Of course I do.
- How often do you tell her?
- Once.
- A day?
- A year.
- Well, that's not very much.
- It adds up.
- I guess you tell her
on Valentine's Day?
- No.
- Mother's Day?
- No.
- Christmas?
- April Fools.
I'm kidding.
- Good.
- Yeah, I tell her
every February 29th.
- Let's talk about romance.
- Oh, great.
- All right.
Just some simple things.
Do you and your wife
ever watch movies together?
- Yeah, she wants to
watch our wedding movies.
- That's nice.
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
- I know what happens next.
- So when you proposed,
did you get down on one knee?
- Yeah, I had to.
I didn't want to
look her in the eye.
Say, I got a joke-joke for you.
What does Disney World
have in common with Viagra?
- I don't know, what?
- An hour-long wait
for a two-minute ride.
- You're not gonna start
telling joke-jokes now,
are you?
- Oh, sure.
I'll do some wife jokes
and get you canceled.
- Walter--
- Hang on, hang on.
My wife is so ugly.
crowd: How ugly is she?
- She sat on her iPhone
and it unlocked.
That's butt ugly.
- We got it.
- OK.
Calm down, though,
it's not one sided.
- How's that?
- Every Valentine's Day,
she gets me sweetheart candies
with sayings on them.
- Oh, like "be mine"?
- No, no.
"Do not resuscitate."
I will say, though,
we did go to a marriage
counselor one time.
- You did?
- Oh, yeah.
He said I should
take my wife out
and treat her like I did
on our first date.
- Sounds like a good idea.
- Yeah.
So I took her to dinner,
felt her up,
then dropped her off
at her parents' house.
- But despite that kind of
stuff, the love life is OK?
- Yeah, we do our best.
We tried role playing with
a little French maid outfit.
- Ooh, how'd that go?
- Uh, she said
it was too tight.
- Ah.
- And my accent was bad.
See, I put the maid outfit on.
- They got it.
- And then I had her put it on.
- OK.
- Not because it was sexy.
I thought she might...
- Walter.
- Finally...
- Walter.
- Do some...
- Walter.
- Fucking housework.
- Walter!
You really are trying
to get me canceled.
- No, I'm trying to get
my fucking house cleaned.
- Please!
Say good night, Walter.
- Thanks, Tampa Bay!
- Thanks, Walter.
[cheers and applause]
- This next guy is from
somewhere down south in the US.
Please help me welcome Bubba J.
[upbeat rock music]
[cheers and applause]
- [chortles]
- How you doing Bubba J?
- I'm doing purdy good!
- So what's been going on
with you lately?
- Well, last week I went to
my best friend's wedding.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
It was a combination wedding
and gender reveal party.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He was very happy to find out
that she really was a woman.
Yeah, always a nail-biter,
right, guys?
- And how's your family?
- They're all good.
- Yeah, and, uh,
what's your wife's name?
- Uh...
- Bubba J?
- Oh, no, that's my name.
- But she's doing well?
- Yeah, she's great.
- You two have a lot
in common, don't you?
- Yeah, we're made
for each other.
- I bet.
- Yeah, you know,
we both got the exact same
results in our DNA tests.
- Bubba J, how can you be
so smart on one hand,
and so stupid on the other?
- Well, you're half of it.
- Well, you know, Bubba J,
during the show tonight
we've been talking about
that romantic day in February.
- Yeah, Groundhog Day.
- No, it's a romantic day.
- Romantic?
- Yeah, February 14th is
the day for lovers.
- Oh. [chortles]
Lovers.
You mean the day you watch
the no-no channels?
- The no-no channels?
- Yes.
Like, "no-no, you're not
doing that to me."
- No.
- No, not "no."
It's no-no.
[giggling]
- I'm talking about romance.
- So am I.
- Do you and your wife
ever watch
actual sweet romantic movies?
- Like what?
- You know, things like
where the guy gets the girl.
- Oh, yeah,
like Freddy Krueger?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- No.
- I don't know.
- Come on, what first
attracted you to your wife?
- Well, she's really hot.
- OK.
- Yeah.
And she's really big.
- Oh.
- Yeah, so it was gravity.
- Yeah--oh.
- Yeah, if she spins around too
fast, she'll suck you right in.
- And how's the romance
between you two?
- Oh, it's purdy good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
In fact, one of your little
boys taught me something.
- What's that?
- Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- So when you proposed,
did you ask her father
for her hand in marriage?
- I sure did.
I called him up and I go,
"hey, Uncle Phil,
it's me, Bubba J."
And you know our wedding
was half the cost
of the average wedding.
- How's that?
- Huh! Just one family.
Yeah, the whole left side
of the church was empty.
- Oh. [chuckles]
You ever go out with your wife
for a romantic evening
and whisper sweet nothings
in her ear?
- What's a sweet nothing?
Oh, I know.
[whispering]
Diet Coke.
- No, sweet nothings are
just flattering things
that you say softly
to someone you love.
- Oh, yeah, like,
[whispering]
"you're as hot as your mother."
Hey, hey!
He thinks this crap up, not me.
My wife is beautiful, though.
- That's very sweet.
And what makes her beautiful?
- Six beers.
- No.
- OK, less if the light is dim.
- All right. [laughs]
And how dim should it be
for you to look good to her?
- [chortles]
Total frickin' darkness.
- How's the rest of
your family doing?
- They're good.
- How's your sister?
- She just got married.
- Oh, really? So she got hit
by Cupid's arrow.
- [chuckles]
No.
Our yard guy needed
citizenship.
- That's not right.
- You think they'll leave
that joke in your show?
- I--
I doubt it.
- Ol!
- All right.
So I know your birthday
is coming up.
You're gonna get a little TLC?
- [chortles]
Jeff, it's spelled KFC.
You should come over
next weekend.
I'm barbecuing a turkey.
- Oh, you love doing that,
don't you?
- Yeah, and we may or may not
- Yeah, and we may or may not
have some skinny dipping
going on.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
[gurgling]
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- [chuckles]
What?
Bubba J, where did you learn
to talk like that?
- Oh, you drink as much
as I do, you fucking learn.
- All right.
So, Bubba J, how about your
favorite part of the show?
- OK, great.
This is the part
where you get to hear
what I think about stuff
after I've had one too many.
Or maybe five, or eight,
or the whole keg.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- So welcome to
the Valentine's edition of
Bubba J's
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
[pensive piano music]
Oh, I like the music.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, puts me in the mood.
- Oh, mood for what?
- [gurgling]
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Just go.
- OK.
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
For Valentine's Day,
my wife said
she wanted her favorite flower.
So I gave her Bisquick.
The first time someone
wished me "happy VD,"
I thought,
"how the hell did they know?"
When a woman says that
I must love her from afar,
what that really means is that
she filed a restraining order.
One-night stands
make me feel empty.
- Yeah.
- Which means it went great.
- I'm sorry.
- Guys, never get involved
with a farm animal.
- What?
- I know, I know.
Moo means moo.
When a woman asks you
if you know
the quickest way to her heart,
don't do what I did and stick
your head between her tatas.
That was the worst ever
birthday for Grandma.
[crowd groans]
Oh, too far?
Yeah, too far?
- Too far.
- Yeah.
[gurgling]
Oh, wait, it's Grandma.
[gurgling]
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
- Happy Valentines, Tampa!
[cheering]
- He's purple, he's wacky.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut!
[upbeat rock music]
[cheers and applause]
- [laughing]
- How are you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
How about you?
- I'm fine.
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
[cackles]
Ha-ha!
- Cut it out.
- I'm a little asshole,
short and stout
This is my handle,
I can't show you my spout
[cackles] Ha-ha!
- Stop it!
Peanut!
- Jeff-fa-fa!
- Do you know why we're here?
- I do.
- We've been talking about
Valentine's Day.
- I have been listening,
and you have finally come to
the right guy
to talk about romance, my man.
- You?
- Yes, me. For example:
that is not just a suitcase
you got me out of.
- No?
- No!
That, my friend, is where
I take the ladies.
- What?
- That is the Luggage of Love.
- The luggage?
- Of Love.
And you know it by the music.
- The music?
- Yeah.
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Peanut, no one but you
can fit inside that suitcase.
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
- Maybe just and Jos Jalapeo.
[crowd whooping]
On a stick.
[chuckles]
- OK, don't be gross.
I refuse to allow
a stick in my box.
I-I just said that out loud,
didn't I?
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
Well, I meant it. Both ways.
- All right. [chuckles]
Have you been on
any dates lately?
- Well, I think about it a lot.
- You think about
going on dates?
- Yeah, I do.
I try and figure out
how to make it happen
without you being there too!
- Right.
- It's not easy.
I just seem to lay there.
- [chuckles]
- It's not funny!
It's like
my own "Toy Story" hell.
And no Woody.
- [laughs]
Wha--
- Maybe a little Buzz.
- All right. [laughs]
- But I'm looking good,
right, ladies?
[crowd hollering]
That is Fifty Shades of Purple
right there.
Boom, chicka, wow, wow
- Look, Valentine's Day.
It's the holiday of love.
- It is about love, isn't it?
- Of course.
And who is that extra special
person in your life right now?
- Well.
- Is there someone?
- [sniffles]
No.
[crowd groans sympathetically]
[whimpers]
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
[high-pitched]
Thank you.
- I'm really sorry.
- I know.
But look at you.
- Yeah.
- And Walter. And Bubba J.
You all have someone.
- You know, maybe Jos
could help you.
- Help me what?
- Find a date.
- [laughs]
Wait, you're serious?
- Well, I've heard--
- You've heard what?
- He's Latin.
- So?
- You know, a Latin lover.
- On a stick?
- Why don't we ask him?
- Oh, no.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
Jos Jalapeo on a Stick.
[cheers and applause]
Good evening, Jos.
- Buenas noches, Seor Jeff.
And others.
- He's not, uh, happy with me
right now.
- We are not speaking.
- Why not?
- Don't worry about it.
- He ate my cousin Julio.
- You ate his cousin Julio?
- Well, how was I supposed
to know?
He was just laying there
next to the dip.
Not saying anything.
I thought he was a popper.
- [laughs]
- I don't want to talk to you.
- Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually...
really sorry, Jos.
- He died doing
what he loved most.
- What was that?
- Burning your mouth.
- He did do that.
- Right.
- And later your ass.
- I'll let you know.
- OK.
So, Jos, you think you can
help Peanut get a date?
- S, I know women.
- You?
I have never seen you
with a woman!
[scoffs] You're in that box
all day long.
- S, but many of the times,
I am not alone.
- Oh, come on.
Who gets in there with you?
- Ask your mother.
- Hey!
What the hell?
- [laughs] All right.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
- I'll deep fry his ass.
- No.
- And his stick.
- Steeck.
- Whatever.
- Calm down.
- He said he was with
my mother!
- I know.
- My mother can't fit
in Jos's box.
- No, but Jos can fit in
your mother's--
- No, but Jos can fit in
your mother's--
- All right!
- What the hell?
- I'm--
[laughs]
- I'm gonna slice him up
and serve him
on our next plate
of frickin' nachos.
- And that's when
I burn your ass.
- You can't!
- Yes, I can.
- I don't have an ass!
It's an elbow.
- That sounds much worse
than a stick.
- All ri--
[laughs]
- I thought this was gonna be
a lot more fun.
- That's what I said
to your mother.
- Hey!
- All right!
Wait--wait a minute.
- I bet your mother
had a steeck.
- Not as big as your sister's.
- Oh, will you stop it,
both of you?
Say good night, Jos.
- I am Jos Jalapeo.
- On a Stick.
- There he is.
- Hey!
- All right.
[cheers and applause]
- All right, look, Peanut,
have you ever tried
online dating?
- Well?
- I thought that maybe
we could help you out
by filling out a profile
on one of those sites
and see how it goes.
- Oh, OK.
- I pulled up the site.
- Yeah.
- And let's enter your profile.
Let's see what happens.
- OK.
- So for example,
OK, uh, name.
- OK, first name, Pea,
last name Nut.
- That's not right.
- There's two blanks.
What are you gonna do?
Initial P then last name
[gargles]?
Sound like
you're talking backwards.
[mimics talking in reverse]
- Height?
- Six four.
- You're like two four.
- Objects in mirror are
larger than they appear.
- OK, now it's asking
your relationship intent.
Is it long term, short term,
short but open to long term,
not sure.
- Is there a checkbox for
"wham, bam, thank you ma'am"?
- OK, sexual orientation.
- Upside down.
- No.
- Sideways?
- No.
- About face.
- Stop it.
- That's what she said.
- [laughs]
I have no idea
what you're doing!
- She also said that.
- Wh--
what do I enter?
- He said that.
- Stop it!
Income?
- What?
- Income.
- Outcome?
- What?
- Income, outcome. How come?
- Read this, right there.
- Uh, "the amount of money
you make anally."
- Annually!
- Oh, that's way different.
It's amazing how one little
missing U can rock your world.
And make it difficult to walk.
- [laughs]
OK, we've now gotten to
the part of the show
that I'm not really sure about,
Peanut.
- What's that?
- Well, as the audience knows,
before the show started, many
of them were given these cards
and asked to write you
questions about
love and relationships,
anything to do with Valentines.
- Yep.
- So, uh, where is--
all right,
I can't read the first name.
Is it "Fru--"
Fr--
person: Frank!
- Oh, Frank?
- It looks like "Fruck."
- All right, Frank.
"Dear Peanut,
I got my wife these tickets
for our 10th anniversary.
Is this enough?"
- Let's see, 25th anniversary
is silver, 50th is gold,
and 10th is warm beer
and a puppet show.
Yes, you're a good, Frank.
- John Simmons.
"Dear Peanut, are children
with peanut allergies
allowed to play with you?"
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Yes, they are.
Deal with the itch, bitch.
- Oh, that's--
Kate and Sherry.
"Dear Peanut,
what advice would you give
"a married lesbian couple
that's been with each other
for 14 years?"
- Do you know?
- No.
- I don't know either.
Clearly, we don't have
anything you need.
- Where are Dennis and Cathy?
Aw! "Dear Peanut,
"we reconnected at our 56th
class reunion two years ago.
Should we get married?"
[crowd shouting approval]
- I guess so.
Are you the last two left?
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Uh, John McLendon.
"Dear Peanut, after 20 plus
years of marriage,
"how can I get my wife to,
you know, want to,
"you know, have, um,
well, you know, sex?
Any thoughts?"
- Well, John,
clearly from this question,
it shows you like to
beat around the bush.
And there's your problem.
- Say goodnight, Peanut.
[cheers and applause]
- There's a character that has
been in my act for many years,
but for various reasons,
he has now been all but banned
from any new television
programming.
[cheers and applause]
And because of all that,
he is not with us here tonight.
[crowd groaning, booing]
However!
It seems that
he has a distant cousin...
a long-lost relative
who apparently is immortal
and Greek and a god.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
the Greek god, Achimedes.
[upbeat rock music]
- [cackling]
- [cackling]
[cheers and applause]
Greetings,
mortal human infidels!
[cackles]
It is I!
What's my name?
- Achimedes.
- Achimedes!
I am the ancient Greek god
of keeler love.
- What--what's killer love?
- Not killer, keeler!
- Keeler.
- Yes.
- And where are you from,
Achimedes?
- Uh...
- Mount Olympus.
- Mm--what?
- Yes.
- OK.
Mount the platypus!
- No.
- What?
- Mount Olympus.
- Yes, don't forget the puss.
I am from the mountain
of platypuses!
- No.
- Platy-pussies?
- No, no! No!
- I'm not sure I can say that.
- Just forget it.
- Silence!
I love you.
[laughter and applause]
- Really?
- Yes.
It's "silence! I love you."
- That's different.
- Yes, I know.
I call it keeler love.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- I got it.
- I keel you! With love.
- And what is your job,
Achimedes?
- I am a god.
- I didn't know that
being a god was a job.
- And I didn't know that
talking to dolls was a job,
but here we fricking are.
- So you're not dead?
- No. I am immoral.
- [chuckles]
- What?
- Immortal.
- I-- what? I don't know
that word in English.
- It means you live forever.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
- I love this country so much!
- But you're not dead.
- No, I am not dead.
Do I look dead?
- Well, yes.
- Silence!
I love you.
- [snorts]
- I have to be honest.
That "I love you" thing
just feels wrong to me.
- You're doing great.
- OK.
- If you're a Greek god,
why are you here on Earth?
- I don't know.
We didn't talk about that.
Stick to the script.
- Just--just go with it.
- What?
- Just go with it, ad lib.
- OK.
- So, Achimedes,
why are you here?
- Uh, to play Powerball.
- What?
- Well, you said to ad lib.
The jackpot is huge!
And you know us Greek gods,
we love to gamble.
Right?
- I don't know.
- Damn it, just go with it!
Quick,
what's a good gambling game?
- Uh, craps.
- What?
- Craps.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- That's a game?
- Yeah, it's huge in Vegas.
- Gross, OK.
Yes, my favorite thing to do
in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
- No.
- What?
What?
"Give a crap"?
- No, no.
- I don't give a crap.
- No.
"To play craps."
- That's worse.
You're like monkeys in a zoo.
What the hell, dude?
Hey, by the way,
did you see my new friend?
- Your new friend?
- No.
Uh, over there in the case.
Get her out.
- Over here?
- Yeah.
- OK.
[crowd whooping]
What--what is this?
- Not what, who.
- Sorry.
- You'll hurt her feelings.
It's my little sheep.
- Oh.
A ewe?
- A what?
- A ewe?
- Yes, it's a-me.
Are we a-speaking Italian now?
- No, she's a ewe.
- No, she's a-not a-me.
I a-mean she's a her.
- No, she is a ewe.
- She is not a-me.
What is a-wrong with a-you?
- I don't know.
What's wrong with the ewe?
- What?
- You just said there's
something wrong with the ewe.
- No, I didn't.
I'm fine!
- Not you, her.
- You?
What, now me?
What the fuck?
- [breathes deeply]
A female sheep is a ewe.
- No, she's a-not a-me,
and stop a-making a-fun of
the Italianos!
- Can I pet your ewe?
- [screams]
Do not touch me!
- Not you, that ewe.
- What?
- Your ewe has very nice wool.
- What?
And you are a pervert!
- So otherwise, uh, how's it--
how's it going
being a Greek god?
- Actually, it's not too bad.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's so much fun being famous.
- I bet.
- Yeah.
Folks now stop me
on the street.
They asked me for my autograph,
they want to take selfies.
- I would think that
looking like you do,
people would be afraid of you.
- Of course they are.
[chuckles]
- Oh, so you're saying
it's good being Achimedes.
- Oh, no, no.
They think I'm Nancy Pelosi.
I mean, look at us!
The resemblance is uncanny.
- Achimedes.
- [screams]
I forgot you were here.
I would like to do
this act solo.
- Really?
- Yes, I do not need you.
- Oh, I think you do,
but you can do what--
[laughter]
- Holy crap.
Did my arm just fall off?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
- Well, I got to kick it
over into place.
- Ow!
You stepped on my pinkie.
How the hell did I know that?
- I don't know.
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
- [gasps]
This is so sudden.
- No.
- Put it back.
- All right,
just hang on a second.
- Come on.
- I don't know
how this goes in here.
- That's what she said.
- All right. OK.
So I think the next thing--
- Son of a bitch,
don't drop me.
- I'm trying not to.
- Put 'em back!
- I'm--I'm working on it.
Here, let's put these here.
- [screams]
That does not go there!
- Stop.
- What the hell, dude?
Look like I had
a five-fingered wiener.
I don't have that.
- No.
- But if I did, my underwear
would fit like a glove.
- [chuckles]
- Put it back!
- [laughs] I'm working on it.
- And fix my feet, asshole.
- OK.
All right, there.
All right, there's good.
All right, here we go.
- Son of a bitch!
What am I, a fucking clock?
I don't know if I'm coming
or going.
- OK, just sit still.
- Take your hand off my wiener.
What?
- You--you don't have a--
- I know, I know, I know.
It's not there.
- OK.
- I lost it in an explos...
[grunting]
...sive game of poker.
- [chuckles softly] You--
you lost--
- My wiener in a poker game.
You should have seen
the other guy.
- So I was talking about
Valentine's Day earlier.
Do you do anything special
on Valentine's Day?
- I have a romantic dinner
with my wives.
- Oh, Greek gods have wives.
- Yes, wives and virgins.
- Mm.
What's the difference?
- I call it "graduation."
- But don't you have one
particular favorite sweetheart?
- Well, it's not easy to say.
- The one you like spending
the most time with.
- [gasps]
Oh, yes, of course.
She's the greatest of all time.
- Ah, the greatest of all time.
She's the G.O.A.T.
- [bleating] Yes.
- But, Achimedes, are there
any actual people
that you like?
- Well...
I like you.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I think you are my best friend.
- Well, thank you.
- And isn't Valentine's Day
when you say that?
- Well, you can say that
at any time but
yeah, friends can be recognized
on Valentine's Day too.
- OK. And I--
I kinda need you.
- Well, thank you.
- I mean, 'cause otherwise
I might fall off of this thing.
- Right.
- But it's more than that.
- Thank you.
And I feel the same way.
- [softly] Thanks.
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
- [chuckles]
- What are you laughing at?
- Well, sometimes I ad lib
myself into a corner,
and don't quite know
how to get out of it.
So.
- Yeah, it's a little awkward.
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
- Uh, what was that song?
- What?
- What was the name
of that song?
- I don't--wait.
How the hell do I know
the lyrics to the song
and you don't know the name?
- I don't know. I--I--
I know it's from the '70s.
- Well, thank you, Casey Kasem.
What are you doing?
- What's the name of that song?
I got to--
I was right,
it was Harry Nilsson.
Uh, yeah, it was "Without You."
- What are you doing?
- I just--I don't know.
Play "Without You"
by Harry Nilsson.
- You don't have the signal.
That is never going to--
oh, you got--
[song playing]
- No, I can't forget
this evening
Or your face
as you were leaving
But I guess that's just--
- Oh, look,
the phones are coming out.
It's going to be like
a rock concert!
- You always smile,
but in your eyes
- Look at that!
- Your sorrow shows
- You can do that, that's--
[laughs]
- No, I can't forget
tomorrow
When I think of
all my sorrows
When I had you there
but then I let you go
- I love this.
I think I'm going to cry!
- And now it's only fair
that I should let you know
- OK, we're going to have to
sing the chorus.
Are you ready?
Here it goes, everybody!
- Oh
[all singing]
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give any more
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give any more
- Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
Say goodnight, Achimedes.
- Thanks, Tampa Bay.
I love you!
[upbeat rock music]
- You guys have been
an awesome audience.
Thanks for coming out.
Happy Valentines Day,
everybody.
[upbeat rock music]
[beeping]
- MTV