Jeff Dunham: Relative Disaster (2017) Movie Script

So, we're driving to the show?
With the wife?
And the kids.
Hi, Jack.
Hi, James.
Remind me again why we're doing this?
This Ireland trip is about the family
being together and discovering our roots.
Thanks, sweetie.
Well, I just discovered I don't wanna go.
Walter, you're part of this family
whether you like it or not.
Hey, look what I found
smooshed under the seat.
This old, unopened letter to you, Walter,
-dated 196--
-Give me that.
Oh. Hey, Audrey,
what's this extra baby seat for?
For when Bubba J passes out?
[Walter] What the hell?
[chuckles] You'll see.
[Peanut] "You'll see"?
-What does that mean?
-[Walter] What is this?
[Peanut] Another baby?
Speaking of Bubba J,
has anybody seen him lately?
-[Walter groans]
-Oh, he wanted to ride on the roof.
[rock music playing]
[Bubba J mimicking car engine]
[Bubba J] I'm making a left turn! Whoo!
Well, we're here.
Well, we must be in Ireland.
These bugs taste like beer.
[audience cheering]
[Achmed] Greetings, Irish infidels.
Please welcome to the stage,
the biggest infidel ever,
Mr. Jeff Dunham!
What a warm welcome.
Thank you for being here this evening.
I wanna start by saying--
People are saying, "Why in the world
did you go to Dublin, Ireland,
to do your Netflix special?"
I'll tell you why.
I got a ventriloquist dummy in the third
grade, started practicing, doing shows,
through elementary, junior high,
high school, paid my way through college.
Did almost 20 years of comedy clubs
throughout the U.S. and Canada,
then turned into small theaters,
then big theaters, then giant arenas,
and all around the world, and here we are.
This is all because of folks like you.
Thanks for making that happen.
There you go.
[audience cheering]
Are you ready for the reason you're here?
Are you ready for the little people
in the boxes?
[audience cheering]
All right.
Thank you.
The first guy I'd like to introduce
I think audiences enjoy,
because everyone knows someone like this,
in your own family or where you work.
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
[audience cheering]
Oh, shut the hell up.
-How you doing tonight, Walter?
-Who the hell cares?
Lighten up a bit, we're in Dublin.
Oh, yay, Dublin, yay.
[audience laughing]
You know, I've heard the Irish pay
more attention to our American politics
than most Americans do.
Yeah, seems like it.
Yeah. But you watch just for the comedy.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
So, in the U.S. presidential election,
you guys know everything.
Do you know who the real loser was?
Why is that?
Because now,
Hillary is home every single night.
[audience laughing]
And with Trump in office in the U.S.,
Jeff, now, be prepared.
-For what?
-Soon Jos Jalapeo,
your Mexican guy, will be out of the show.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Poor Jos. You're gonna have to settle
for an American pickle on a pole.
[audience laughing]
Wrapped in bacon and deep-fried.
Hey, did you notice in the trunk there,
I'm building a little wall?
Did you see that?
[audience laughing]
Yeah, keeping that little bastard
on his side.
And I'm gonna get Jeff
to pay for the wall.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
You know, Walter,
Jos is legal in the U.S.
Then I guess I'll build a little gate.
Yeah, little fucker would probably
dig right under it.
Using his stick.
Wait. He can pogo right over the thing.
Doing, Doing, Doing, ole!
And you know what else?
The racial stuff is worse than ever.
I don't know if it is here,
but it is there.
-That's right.
Can you even use your African-American
character, Sweet Daddy Dee, anymore?
Wait, I'm sorry. We're in Ireland, yeah.
It's obviously not African-American here.
They don't say African-Irish, do they?
[audience laughing]
They just say black.
Oh. Oh, that's a lot easier.
I don't wanna offend anyone anywhere,
but can I just please say black?
-I am not Northern European-American.
I don't care. I'm freaking white.
Or off-white, or pink, I don't know.
All I know is there's black, brown, red,
yellow, white.
I don't care. Just mow my lawn.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
[Jeff] Walter.
[Walter] What?!
I said "white" last.
Get the white guy to mow my lawn,
I don't care.
The white-trash cracker
from the trailer park.
[audience laughing]
And don't call me racist.
-All right, why not?
-Because calling someone racist is racist.
I'm actually an I-don't-give-a-craprican.
Slightly less angry
than the I-don't-give-a-shitricans.
Now, whatever you do, stay away
from the I-don't-give-a-fuckricans.
[audience laughing]
They have meetings.
Back to what I asked earlier,
can't you use Sweet Daddy Dee anymore?
Yeah. I've been using him
in some of our videos.
Okay, but he's not
on the tour bus right now.
-Not now.
Well, when you do bring him back,
just make sure you don't put him
in the back of the bus.
[audience laughing]
Black puppets matter.
[audience laughing]
On a different subject, you say
one of your daughters is getting married?
-Bree, my oldest. Getting married soon.
-Oh, good. That's great.
[audience laughing]
You were adopted, right?
-Actually, I was adopted.
-Good. yeah.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Or is it just something your parents said
to make themselves feel better?
[audience laughing]
-No, I was adopted.
-Okay, okay.
Are your biological parents
gonna walk your daughter down the aisle?
Why would they?
Well, they're good at giving kids away.
[audience laughing]
That's a good joke.
No, Walter, I'm giving her away.
Yeah, see? It's genetic.
The tradition is for the bride's father
to give her away.
Yeah, you're gonna be going,
"Here you go, pal. Good luck."
Not even close.
But come on, seriously.
When the bride's parents
are divorced like you,
it's gotta be hard for the father
to keep a straight face
-when talking to his future son-in-law.
-How's that?
You're gonna be saying, "You realize, son,
she's related to that bitch
in the corner."
[audience laughing]
No, no, it's fine.
If you say it, it's a lawsuit.
If I say it, it's comedy.
[audience laughing]
-What do you think?
-I really can't comment.
Oh, you're still paying, aren't you?
[audience laughing]
Keep telling jokes, puppet boy.
So, are your daughter and her new husband
gonna have kids soon?
I have no idea.
-Oh, please encourage them to do that.
So, I can make fun of you
for having your own kids and grandkids
that are the same age.
[audience laughing]
How screwed up is that?
"Here you go, son.
Go change your uncle's diapers."
-But seriously, more kids at your age?
-Why not?
Because by the time your boys
are old enough to play ball with,
your actual ones will be hanging down
to your ankles.
[audience laughing]
"Dad, wanna play kickball?"
[mimics impact, then groaning]
"I already am."
-So, you really are adopted?
-Yes, I am.
You ever tried to find the other ones?
-My birth parents?
-Is that what they're called?
-Birth parents?
Yeah, they're the ones that had you,
took one look, and then dumped your ass.
-I don't think that's how it went.
-Sure, it did.
They handed you to a nurse
and went, "Run!"
[audience laughing]
I don't think so.
Or maybe they got freaked out
when you cried
and it sounded like it came from the kid
lying next to you.
[audience laughing]
I guess we'll never know.
So, you never met your birth parents?
So, when were you born?
April 1962.
-In Dallas?
No, I meant I was in Dallas.
[audience laughing]
-For a few days.
-In '61.
You and your wife.
[audience laughing]
Just me.
But you and your wife
were dating at the time.
[audience laughing]
I hadn't met her yet.
Uh, were you dating anyone in July of '61?
-Oh, good. [chuckles]
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not sure you call it "dating."
[audience laughing]
-Just watch the video.
[funk music playing]
[Walter] It was the summer of love.
And love was free.
Unless you were paying for it.
I was very popular with the ladies.
Hey, baby.
Wanna get down and feel the funk?
-[Jeff] Walter.
-[Walter] Calm down.
It's not what you think.
-We're jumping rope.
Well, that's enough jump-roping
for tonight. Whatever-your-name-is.
This rock's gotta roll.
I'll never forget you.
[audience applauding]
[audience laughing]
-And who was the woman?
-I forgot.
-You forgot?
Then what made you bring this up now?
That old letter that Peanut found
in the back of the car,
it had a photo with it.
-Of who?
-Well, looks just like you.
-You wanna see it?
All right.
[audience laughing]
So, you're saying you think
you could be my--
-Well, that's awful.
-How do you think I feel?
I could have an adult son
who still plays with fucking dolls.
[audience laughing]
-Your wife's younger than you, right?
-Audrey is younger.
-How much younger? It does.
-Doesn't matter.
How much younger?
Eighteen years.
[audience whooping]
I actually like you a lot more now, Jeff.
[audience laughing, then applauding]
-So, was it love at first sight?
-Pretty much.
I wanted to say to her,
"Where you been all my life?"
Yeah, and she would have said:
"Well, for the first half,
I wasn't even born yet."
[audience laughing]
Eighteen years.
When you were 21, she was 3.
You should be a registered sex offender.
What was your pickup line when you met?
"Hey, kid, want some candy?"
[audience laughing]
Seriously, what did you do
on your first date?
What, you take her shopping
for school supplies?
You helped her with her homework?
-We have chemistry.
-Class together.
[audience laughing]
Poor Audrey.
Why "poor Audrey"?
You know, whenever anyone sees
a younger woman with an older man,
they automatically think
she married him for his money.
-That is not what happened with us.
No. In fact, when Audrey and I met,
she had never heard of me.
She had no idea who I was.
Of course not. Her parents wouldn't
let her watch the comedy channel.
[audience laughing]
She is more familiar with Sesame Street.
What, you sweep her off her feet
by doing Cookie Monster impressions?
[as Cookie Monster] "Oh, I love Audrey.
[audience laughing, then applauding]
Do you want a kiss or a cookie?"
[as Count] "You're one, two,
three times older than your wife."
[in normal voice]
"Rubber Duckie, you're the one."
[as Audrey] "Oh, Jeff, make it talk."
[audience laughing]
[in normal voice]
I'd love to have been there
the first time her father had met you.
He would have sounded like Scooby-Doo.
[as Scooby-Doo] Huh?
[in normal voice]
Her mother would have sounded like Shaggy.
[as Shaggy] Zoinks.
[in normal voice] Then you got married
and had kids right away?
-We waited a few years.
-Oh, yeah.
Sometimes, you gotta let it build up,
don't you?
[audience laughing]
But I think you're doing
the parenting thing a little late.
I like being an older dad.
Why? Because you all get
to wear diapers together?
[audience laughing]
[Walter sniffing]
"Okay, who pooped their diaper?
I've heard of parents trying to bond with
their kids, but you're taking it too far.
There's great things
about being an older parent.
Oh, yeah. At the movies, you get child
and senior citizen discounts.
[audience laughing]
Well, I guess they have good parents.
Thank you. Did you have a good
relationship with your parents?
Uh, kind of hit and miss.
Sure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
No, hit and miss. Sometimes I got hit,
and sometimes they missed.
[audience laughing]
-It was different back then.
Back then, time out meant Mom
had knocked you senseless.
-What about your dad?
-Oh, she hit him, too.
[audience laughing]
By the way, did I hear you
call yourself middle-aged?
-That's right.
-And you're 55.
-That's right.
-Yeah, being optimistic there,
aren't you, chachi?
Middle-aged, middle, the center, halfway.
You are not gonna make it to 110.
[audience laughing]
And if you do, your kids are gonna
be like, "Dad, it's time to die.
We're in our 70s now,
we have our own problems.
Just fucking die."
[audience laughing]
It's gotta be weird, though, all the songs
that get stuck in your head.
-Like what?
-The Beatles and the Teletubbies.
[audience laughing]
Baby, you could drive my car,
and the wheels on the bus
go round and round.
So, do you ever fall asleep with the kids?
I do, and it's very sweet.
Yeah. Not exactly what you imagined
when you fantasized
about sleeping with twins, was it?
[audience laughing]
"Who's your daddy?"
-Say good night, Walter.
-Thanks, Dublin.
That's Walter.
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
So, there's another reason
that we're here in Dublin doing this show.
I am adopted, as Walter talked about.
And recently, I did the DNA thing
where you'd check your background
of where you're from, and I found out
that I am a huge percentage
of Irish descent.
[audience cheering]
And my act always reflects
what's going on in my real life.
I have my three older daughters,
and now my two toddler sons,
and we have a blended family,
and there's a lot of things to joke about.
A lot of people can relate to that.
That's what this special is all about,
it's all about family.
But we came to Ireland, because you guys
are great audiences,
but also because I'm following my roots.
Also, Audrey and I have done
due diligence about this.
We're happy about it,
but we know there a lot of babies
here in Ireland that need homes.
And so, while we're here,
we're gonna be adopting an Irish baby.
[audience cheering]
[audience laughing]
And his name is Seamus.
Hi, Seamus.
Little baby Seamus, so cute.
Goo, goo, goo, goo.
Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie-coo.
Touch me like that again
and I'll bite your fucking arm off.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
-I'm sorry. I thought you were a baby.
-I am.
-You sound quite a bit older than that.
-That's what a few pints a day
will do to you.
-Pints, you mean beer?
-That's right.
-What happened to drinking from a bottle?
-Oh, now you're talking.
[audience laughing]
I take whiskey as well.
-No, a baby bottle.
-I don't care what it is.
If it's 90 proof or better,
I'll take it from a fucking tin can.
[audience laughing]
-Don't you wanna be breastfed?
-Don't we all?
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
But, Seamus, why did you start
drinking alcohol so early?
Oh, well...
Uh, I saw the size of my John Thomas.
[audience laughing]
-Your what?
-My winky.
-Oh, well, that will change.
-I hope so.
What if a woman looked at you
when your knickers were down and said,
"Well, that's a cute one."
[audience laughing]
You'd be hammered all the time as well.
-You'll be fine.
-If not, later in life,
I'll have to drive
a really nice sports car.
[audience laughing]
Wait a minute. I have a nice sports car.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[audience laughing]
Well, at least you have a big head.
Do you know who the first person
to comment on that was?
-My ma.
-What did she say?
-Oh, something along the lines of:
I think a C-section
might have been a bit easier.
-Well, it's the difference
between you opening a convertible top
and getting out of the car that way
versus having your arse
shoved out the keyhole.
[audience laughing]
Well, I hope you're happy
with Audrey and me adopting you.
Sure. And if it doesn't work out,
I'll just go live with Angelina Jolie
and Brad Pitt.
[audience laughing]
They need a kid from Ireland
to complete the collection.
I guess you don't know, Seamus,
but they're divorced.
Oh, well, too bad.
I'm probably too white for them anyway.
[audience laughing and groaning]
Oh, fuck you, that's a good joke.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
What do you like to play with?
Was that a baby rattle I heard?
Actually, I think that was Walter's
artificial hip.
[Walter] Asshole!
[audience laughing]
Look, Seamus, have you been enjoying
everything with us so far?
Oh, I like all your friends in the trunks.
-I've asked the guys to leave you alone.
I don't think they'd be
a very good influence on a baby.
Everything's fine. If not, I'd kill you.
-That's what I mean.
-If you think that's dark,
you should see what Bubba J's
been doing with the breast pump.
[audience laughing]
I'm never drinking from that thing again.
-By the way, who taught you to curse?
Babies should not curse.
I know. That guy's an asshole.
[audience laughing]
-Say, is Achmed around?
-He is. Why?
I wanna show him how I can set off
a bomb in my nappy.
I could clear this room right now.
Are you looking forward
to living in the United States?
I don't think I'm going to care
for your pubs.
Our pubs? Why is that?
They close.
[audience laughing]
Who the fuck does that?
Look, is there anything you'd like to do,
or see right away
when you get to the U.S.?
I'd like to see Mount Rushmore.
You know about that.
That's the giant mountain carving
with four of our most famous presidents.
Can you name our presidents
by their heads?
[audience laughing]
Is this a Bill Clinton question?
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
So, at this age,
you already know about politics?
-For sure.
-What do you know about Donald Trump?
I think he could have been
my mom's doctor.
-Why is that?
-How do you think I was born?
He grabbed her by the pu--
But from what I could see,
I liked him better than his opponent.
-Hillary Clinton?
-That's the guy.
[audience laughing]
-No, she's a woman.
-Maybe I am drinking a wee bit too much.
And I like all your news channels.
What's the one with all foxes on it?
-Fox News.
The one with all the young ladies
and their huge--
[audience laughing]
Hanging out. [laughs]
I watch ten minutes of that,
and I'm starving.
[audience laughing]
-That reminds me. I got a joke for you.
-All right.
Do you know why chicken breasts
don't have nipples?
-Because if you froze them,
they'd poke a hole in the package.
[audience laughing]
[Seamus laughing]
Say, you never told me
what happened to my real mother.
Oh, I thought you knew.
She gave you up for adoption.
Oh, she did, now? And why would that be?
I was told that the main reason
was because she was an alcoholic.
That was the best part.
-Her milk tasted like Baileys Irish Cream.
[audience laughing]
-And you know why they took me from her?
-Not exactly.
She tried to make me
her designated driver.
[audience laughing]
And by the way, why did you keep pulling
your diaper off last night at the hotel?
Uh... Sometimes,
the boys need a little air.
[audience laughing]
We were in the lobby.
Boys' night out.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
-Say, I've got another one for you.
Do you know what a baby calls
a topless woman?
-A free bar.
-Walter told me that one.
-Oh, he did?
[Walter laughing]
[audience laughing]
Uh, you do know
we have twin boys at home
-who are gonna be your new brothers.
-Oh, sounds lovely.
I hate to drink alone.
They don't drink alcohol.
Baby steps.
Are you sure they're twins?
-Of course.
-Maybe you're just seeing double.
That happens to me a lot. The other day,
I thought I'd hit the mother lode.
-How is that?
-Four nipples.
[audience laughing]
-And you say your boys are twins.
-They are.
You told your wife to make it a double.
What are their names?
-Oh, as in Jack Daniels?
Sure. And James.
Like Jameson Whiskey?
I love this fucking family.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
So, Seamus, can you walk yet?
No, not yet, but I can do the pub crawl.
-I don't think you should be in a pub.
-Why not?
I can barely hold my head up,
I keep falling over, and I can't walk.
I fit right in.
How can someone your age be at a pub?
Oh, all the drunks just think
I'm a leprechaun.
[audience laughing]
I got thrown out of the pub
the other night.
-What did you do?
-I tried to show off my lucky charms.
To make it worse, I yelled
that they were magically delicious.
And that's Seamus, our new Irish baby.
[audience cheering]
They like it?
So, this next guy is from somewhere
down south in the U.S.
Please, help me welcome Bubba J.
[audience cheering]
-How are you doing, Bubba J?
-I'm doing pretty good.
[audience cheering]
-What do you think so far?
-Well, I've been listening,
and I think this is one
of the best audiences
we have ever had.
[audience cheering]
-Well, that's nice of you to say, Bubba J.
-Well, yeah, I'm drunk.
-So, I actually don't know.
-You're drunk?
I've been in the trunk
with that Irish kid.
He talks funny,
but he can drink me under the table.
The hell is that?
Oh, it's me.
It's your baby picture.
I thought those photos
are supposed to be cute.
I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
[audience laughing]
Hey, that reminds me. I was
on the tour bus a little earlier today.
-I was talking to the other guys.
They're talking about some guy around here
they saw who was in his 50's.
-He and his wife just had twins. Ha, ha.
How stupid is that?
Hey, I wonder who drools more,
him or the kids.
Yeah, you can give him a baby shower,
but at his age, that'd be a sponge bath.
And when he takes his kids to college,
folks will be like:
"Hey, it's parents weekend.
Why'd you bring your grandpa?"
[Bubba J and audience laughing]
-Bubba J, you're talking about me.
You took your grandpa to parents weekend?
No, I'm the 55-year-old guy
that has baby twins.
[Bubba J squeals]
Does your wife know?
[audience laughing]
She had the twins. I'm the father.
-Oh, good for you.
Yeah, I forgot I went
and visited your boys the other day.
-How did that go?
-Well, like I said,
I forgot. I was drunk. Surprise.
But I do remember
they are good-looking little boys.
-Thank you.
-And your wife is pretty, too.
Well, thank you. And I'm sure
your wife is beautiful as well.
[chuckles] No.
[audience laughing]
-Well, maybe after a six-pack.
How about after five beers?
Too soon, too soon.
But your wife really had twins?
-She did.
-Which one of them's yours?
-They both are.
-Oh, you dog.
You know, come to think of it,
I got twin kids of my own.
You have twins as well?
-I didn't know that.
-Well, are yours easy to tell apart?
Not really, but I'm getting better at it.
I know Tommy is 9, and Mary is 3.
[audience laughing]
And she's black.
Your daughter is black?
Yeah, that was a tough one
to explain to my wife.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Wait, what?
Well, I had to swear up and down
that I had not slept with a black woman.
Bubba J, your wife gave birth
to the child.
I know, and she's gonna be pissed off
when she figures out
that kid might not be hers.
[audience laughing]
Hey, are your twins attached?
No, they're not conjoined.
-They're not conjoined.
I like that. "Here come them Dunham boys.
Conjoined, conjoined, conjoined."
-But they're not?
That's too bad, 'cause you could have had
all them two-for-one specials.
When you go out in public,
you'd never have to say, "Stay together."
'Cause they're already conjoined,
conjoined, conjoined.
No, they're not Siamese twins.
No, they're American twins.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
So, for twins, did you,
"chica, womp, womp," in a twin bed?
No, Bubba J. That's not how it works.
The kind of bed you have
does not impact the child.
I don't know. My brother's a queen.
[audience laughing]
-And my sister's king-sized.
[as Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.
-[in normal voice] Why did you have two?
In case you dropped one?
-My mama swears
I was not the twin she dropped.
Oh, so, you're a twin as well?
[chuckles] No.
You said you weren't the twin she dropped.
Right, 'cause I wasn't a twin.
-So, she did drop you?
-Well, yeah.
You're not real smart, are you, Jeff?
-Are your twins identical?
-No, they're fraternal.
Oh, they're in a sorority.
[audience laughing]
I'd love to have more kids of my own,
but my doctor said
my squigglers are too drunk to swim.
Yeah, they're like drunk drivers veering
off the road and crashing into bushes.
[audience laughing]
So, Bubba J, did you date a lot of women
before you got married?
Just my wife.
Oh, good for you.
You married your childhood sweetheart.
Oh, no, I didn't marry my dog.
[audience laughing]
I meant the first girl
you fell in love with.
Oh, you know, she had her stomach stapled.
Oh, she's a big girl?
No, she's a centerfold in a magazine.
[audience laughing]
Say, did your wife boob-feed your kids?
[chuckles] Breastfeed.
You said breast.
-Yes, she did.
-In public?
-Not a lot.
-Mine did.
-I tried not to look.
-You're not supposed to look.
-You're a pervert if you look.
-That's where my wandering eye
comes in handy.
[audience laughing]
I'm looking over here,
but I'm also looking over here.
Whoo! Look at that! [laughs]
So, you got two toddlers at home
and also two kids in college.
-That's right.
-Think about this.
Which ones throw up more?
[Bubba J and audience laughing]
[Jeff] Hmm.
-So, it's five kids from two marriages.
-That's right. I have a blended family.
That ain't blended.
I got a cousin who has a kid
that's half human and half donkey.
That's blended right there.
Their Christmas card looks like something
went horribly wrong at the manger.
-The manger?
-Well, I think it's a manger,
'cause every time somebody looks
at the picture, they go, "Jesus Christ!"
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Anything else going on?
Well, I'm no longer looking for work.
-Oh, good. So, you found a job?
-No, I'm just no longer looking for work.
Is there a job you're interested in?
-What do you like to do?
-I like doing this.
-You like talking to people?
-Well, are you up on social issues?
Well, one time, I caught
something from a girl,
and it itched, so I had to get a shot.
Not a social disease, a social issue.
Oh, I thought those are the same thing.
[audience laughing]
It itched, and that was an issue.
[audience laughing]
Especially socially.
No, issues within the community.
Oh, yeah, she's spread it
around the whole damn community.
In fact, I feel like scratching right now.
But my arms ain't long enough.
[audience laughing]
Look, Bubba J, have you ever gotten a job?
You mean, from that girl?
[audience cheering]
No, a paying job.
Well, I offered her ten bucks.
Look, Bubba J, you like talking to people,
and you care about them.
-You pay attention to the community.
-Well, you could be in politics.
-I could?
-I really do like to get things done.
No, I'm just fucking with you.
I don't care.
Look, aren't you worried
about Big Brother?
Well, yeah, that guy's also my uncle.
-Wait, your brother's also your unc--
-Don't even try.
It's like arithmetic, it will F you up.
Look, Bubba J, in politics,
you have to give speeches.
-Can you do that?
-Oh, yeah. I memorized one.
Ahem. I did not have sex with that woman.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
Bubba J, that reference
is almost 20 years old.
Oh, okay.
I did not have sex with that little girl.
Oh, shit. Too far?
-Too far.
Do you have any experience with debate?
Oh, sure. I use de-bait to catch the fish.
And then I can pull up some chain-link
between the U.S. and Mexico
and hire a secretary of defense.
I'm killing.
This some funny shit, right here.
Look, Bubba J, if you were in office,
would you reduce the unemployment rate?
Well, yeah, by one.
-'Cause I got the job.
-I know.
-What about everyone else?
-I'd make another speech.
Ahem. Get a job, you lazy bastards!
Look, Bubba J, with your appeal, I think
you could reach out to young people.
Well, my uncle tried that.
He got put on a list.
[audience laughing]
I'm saying,
you should get out and press the flesh.
-No, that's what he did.
-No, no...
You don't know
what "press the flesh" means?
Well, one time, I sat on my own nuts.
Is that it?
I don't know how I did it.
It must have been hot out.
Ain't never been the same, you know.
That's when my eye went crooked.
[audience laughing]
I was drunk when it happened.
I'm pretty sure that's where
the phrase "beer nuts" came from.
-Say good night, Bubba J.
-Thanks, Dublin!
[audience cheering]
-Good job.
-Thank you.
Well, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have said it before,
and I will say it again with pride.
Please help me welcome
the world's favorite terrorist,
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
[audience cheering]
Greetings, Irish infidels!
Good to see you, Achmed.
Oh, it is good to see you, too,
infidel number one.
Thank you. You're in a good mood. Why?
-I cannot believe I am here.
Because I was detained at your airport
for days.
[audience laughing]
Why were you detained?
I was detained, because everyone here
thinks I look like a terrorist.
-But you are a terrorist.
-That's racial profiling.
-But in this case, everyone is right.
-You are violating my rights.
-What rights? You're a terrorist.
-It's in your constitution.
-We're not in the United States.
-Same shit.
-Freedom of the pressing of buttons.
-No such thing.
-Freedom to assemble shit and blow it up.
[audience laughing]
-Stop laughing!
What happened at the airport?
I'm in line, and the Immigration guy goes,
"We are vetting you."
I never heard that word, "vetting."
I thought he was gonna kick dirt
on my dog.
-Wait, you have a dog?
-What kind?
-The pain-in-the-ass kind.
-What's his name?
-Little Bastard.
-Why'd you name him that?
-I think it's funny to say:
"Come here, Little Bastard."
-Is he a good dog?
-He's always trying to play fetch with me.
-That's good.
-No, not with me. With me.
It's not funny.
[audience laughing]
If I yell, "Fetch, boy,"
he grabs my leg and runs like hell.
Stop laughing!
You think the sand on me
is from the desert?
No, Little Bastard buried my ass
in the fucking beach.
[audience laughing]
It's not funny.
[audience applauding]
-So, what happened at the airport?
-The Immigration guy yelled at me.
He goes, "Why are you in this country?"
-What'd you say?
-It scared the crap out of me.
I panicked and just blurted it out.
"I'm here to blow up shit."
-That's when he detained you?
-And he did a cavity search.
It's not funny. Look at me.
Find a place on me where there's a cavity
that I can hide stuff. Nowhere!
I didn't even have cavities in my teeth.
-No, I floss after every meal. Yup.
-Well, how about under that?
-Don't touch my turban.
-What's under there?
-Under where?
[audience laughing]
What are they laughing at?
-Well, I said, "under there."
And you said, "underwear."
[audience laughing]
What are they laughing at?
You said you have underwear on your head.
That's not even a sentence.
No, underpants.
What? I don't wear underpants.
Don't look.
I free no ball.
[Walter laughing]
[audience laughing]
So, how'd you get away from Immigration?
Easy. I put my leg
in Little Bastard's mouth
and yelled, "Fetch!"
He dragged me all the way here.
Here I am, yay.
But now I have a headache.
-Are you getting sick?
-Just a headache.
-You could be getting sick.
-It's just a headache.
-It really could--
-Read my lips.
I mean...
Shit. Read my teeth. Read my damn teeth.
-It's just a headache.
-Have you had enough water?
Some people don't realize
how important water is.
It's really important. And sometimes
if you don't drink it, you get dehydrated,
You don't know it, you get a headache.
It's really good for your skin.
[audience laughing]
I kill you!
[audience cheering]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Silence, I kill you. Silence, I kill you.
Silence, I kill you.
Silence, I kill you.
Achmed, why do you always say that?
-What, "silence, I kill you"?
Because "hush, hush,
or I give you a noogie" wouldn't cut it.
[audience laughing]
How's everything else going?
Well, I am angry, because
Facebook won't let me on Facebook.
-Because you're a terrorist.
-No. Because I don't have a face.
[audience laughing]
-Maybe I need more water.
-Anything else bothering you?
-I don't know.
My 72 virgins are driving me crazy.
Do you know what happens when 72 women
all live in the same place together?
We suicide bombers
are actually killing ourselves
just to get away from the angry virgins.
So, this has been a while
that you've had them.
Is it still 72 virgins?
I'm working on it.
I'm exhausted.
I just wanna play golf.
-Oh, you play golf?
-I wish. I don't have the equipment.
[audience laughing]
-No clubs?
-No putter.
No balls.
Not even a bag.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
-What are they laughing at?
-Never mind.
And all of those women,
I am not getting any younger.
I'm like the tired popcorn guy.
-"Come on, get it while it's hot."
Do you at least enjoy
being with the 72 virgins?
Yes, but I can never remember
all their names.
If you don't, how do you call out
to one of them individually?
Hey, you, in the burka.
[audience laughing]
Then they all turn around
at the same time.
It's like prairie dogs with hats.
If I had a hammer, I could play
the world's largest game of whack-a-mole.
[audience laughing]
Hey, wasn't that a Madonna song?
I understand your first wife was with you
in the beginning.
And at the end. [mimics explosion]
-So, what first attracted you to her?
-Her goatee.
She had that much facial hair?
No, no. She had a little animal that went:
-I see.
-No, no, you don't wanna see.
-How's that?
-My first wife was not a pretty woman.
-No. At the mall,
Santa Claus looked at her and went,
"Ho-ho-holy shit."
[audience laughing]
-But your first wife--
-I didn't care about her looks,
because on our first date,
I got pretty far with her.
-You mean you, like, kissed her?
-Oh, a lot more than that.
-Yeah. I got to look at her ankle.
[audience laughing]
-Her ankle?
-Oh, yeah. Just thinking about it...
[moaning] me a big nothing.
-Maybe I need more water.
You know, I think comedy
and suicide bombing have a lot in common.
-How's that?
[audience laughing]
Think about it. I kill you.
[mimics explosion] Perfect.
I ki-- [mimics explosion] He fucked up.
So, was your wife one of the 72 virgins?
No, no, no. She was long before them.
And then she divorced me.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay. I got the goat.
-How have things been going lately?
-Oh, not [bleating] bad.
[audience laughing]
Oh, that gets the laugh.
I'm actually dating someone
who is not one of the annoying 72.
-Oh, yeah. She is also a suicide bomber.
-You have a lot in common.
-Yeah, she's dead.
And when I say I wanna jump her bones,
that's all she's got.
Yeah, us having sex
sounds like a horse on cobblestones.
[audience applauding]
When I give her a back rub,
it sounds like a xylophone.
[mimicking xylophone]
So, if you get 72 virgins,
what does a female suicide bomber get?
-That's great.
But she is a very interesting woman.
She claims she has edible underwear.
Oh, you have heard of this.
Yes, but what flavor edible underwear
would a female terrorist have?
Cherry Bomb.
[audience laughing]
-You get it? It's like two jokes.
Hey, speaking of that, how are your twins?
[audience laughing]
-Oh, shit. They turned on me.
-Yeah, they did.
The boys are fine, thank you.
But your wife getting pregnant,
that must have been surprising.
You know, like finding out a landmine
still works even though it's really old.
Chica, chica, womp, womp.
[mimics explosion]
The two new little Dunham terrorists.
-They're not terrorists.
-Just wait.
-All kids are terrorists.
-No, they're not.
Hey, when you're holding
one of your little boys,
you never know, any second
he might go off. Boom. Stink bomb.
-What are their names?
-Jack and James.
You are so fucking white. Oh, my God.
[audience laughing]
Jack and James?
[audience applauding]
Sounds like a nursery rhyme
for two gay kids.
[singing] Jack and James went out the door
To fetch a pail of lattes
What are your kids' names?
Achmed Junior,
Achmed Junior Junior Junior,
Achmed Junior, JR and Steve.
-One of the virgins is white.
One of my boys is getting ready
to go through puberty.
-That is a tough age.
They never listen.
-You have to repeat things over and over.
-Like what?
The same things my father
used to say to me all the time.
-What's that?
-"Stop pulling on your dynamite.
It's gonna go off.
And then you'll be blind."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Achmed, when my girls were young,
one of their favorite games
was "got your nose."
You ever play...?
[audience laughing]
I am seriously going to kill you
after this show.
So, Achmed, what were your parents like?
Well, after my father went to work,
I didn't see much of him.
[audience laughing]
Where'd he go?
Over there, over there, up there,
down there, over there.
[audience applauding]
That's terrible.
Yeah. So, now,
whenever there's a sandstorm,
I'm like, "Dad."
[audience laughing]
Achmed, there's been a curiosity
about you in the past ten years.
I get questions about you all the time.
Are you gonna tell your life story?
-Like in a book?
Oh, that'd be great. Once upon a time...
[mimics explosion] The end.
If you could go back in time,
is there anything you'd do differently
or change?
I'd cut the other wire.
[audience laughing]
It's not funny!
Well, did any good come of your death?
Well, it was near a hospital,
so technically, I'm an organ donor.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, for the hospital staff,
it was like a gross Easter egg hunt.
But now with no skin,
I can't get the tattoo I always wanted.
-What tattoo was that?
-Skull and crossbones.
[audience laughing]
Not funny!
Or maybe a face!
-Covered with water!
Damn it. Remind me
not to blow myself up anymore.
Well, things could be worse.
How could they be worse?
Well, I could've found out my mother
was a whore
and my real father is Walter.
[audience laughing]
Sucks for you!
Achmed, one of the biggest topics now
that everyone is worried about
is that scary group
who wants to take over the world.
Yeah, the Kardashians.
[audience laughing]
-No, ISIS.
-Oh, those guys.
-Were you ever in ISIS?
-No, I was in a smaller fringe group.
We just blew up things.
We called ourselves the Tali-bam!
But I love the Kardashians.
-You do?
-Oh, sure.
That is one scary-ass family.
I cannot stop watching their show.
Really? Who's your favorite Kardashian?
The black one.
No, that's Kanye. He's West.
I'm pretty sure he's south.
-Not the direction.
-No direction?
-Not that direction.
-Which direction?
-Well, one direction.
He's in a boy band?
[audience laughing]
No, I said he's West.
Well, I guess. He's certainly not north.
-No, that's his daughter.
[audience cheering]
His daughter is up north?
No, his daughter is North.
That's what I said.
His daughter is North West.
He's quick.
-Is he still west?
-Now no?
No, he's a West.
What are you, Italian?
[in Italian accent] "I don't a-care
if he's a-north or a-south."
No, he's West, but he's not out west.
His daughter is North,
but she's also West.
So, she's North West,
and the whole family is West.
[in normal voice] You've finally started
experimenting with crack, haven't you?
[audience laughing]
-But Kim is Kanye's wife.
-And where is she?
-I don't know.
But you know everyone else is west.
-She is, too.
-Do you know who Kim's stepfather is?
She's a lovely woman.
[audience laughing]
Stop screwing with me!
I kill you from here!
Not funny!
And you're making it worse,
because I'm hangry.
-You mean hungry?
-No, hangry. I'm hungry and angry.
You're looking a little thin.
-Did you eat today? Oh.
-Just breakfast.
-What's your favorite breakfast cereal?
[audience laughing]
And then I usually add a few grape nuts
just so I can say I have some.
[audience laughing]
Not funny!
-You like any ethnic foods?
-Oh, I love Mexican food, too.
So, if you like Mexican,
do you like soft or crunchy tacos?
[audience laughing]
Uh, in this instance,
are you using taco as a metaphor?
[audience laughing]
Because your answer
will determine my answer.
I bet there's some school dropouts here
that are very confused.
"I thought a metaphor
was a new kind of Mercedes."
"The Mercedes Metaphor class.
It's like something else."
You know, in all honesty, sometimes
in these places, I don't feel safe.
-A little outnumbered?
I understand.
I should have some sort of signal
if I need help.
Well, I saw in a movie once
where they told a guy to blink really fast
if he felt in danger.
Oh, okay. [panting]
[audience laughing]
Son of a bitch!
Bubba J's arms are too short
and I don't have any fucking eyelids!
Maybe I need more water!
Maybe. Say good night, Achmed.
Thank you, Dublin!
[audience cheering]
I kill you!
And now for our last guy this evening.
He's purple, he's wacky.
Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut.
[audience cheering]
-How are you, Peanut?
-Good. How are you?
-I'm fine.
-That's good. That's good.
Two infants at your age,
how the hell did that happen?
Didn't anyone ever tell you
about the birds and the bees?
Yup, but nobody mentioned
the birds and the dinosaurs.
I wonder what their first words
are gonna be.
-Mama? Dada?
-More like, "Grandpa."
Don't worry, you'll probably be deaf
by then anyway.
Hey, you can all share
the same mushed baby food.
-Or eat your shit.
-Stop it.
-Is it hard to tell the twins apart?
-Not at all.
But soon, it'll be hard for you
to tell anything apart.
"No, Dad, that's a toilet plunger.
That is not a dog dish on a stick."
At your age, playing catch
means trying to stop Daddy
from falling down the stairs.
-You got no balance.
-Stop it.
I got to watch them
take their first steps.
Yeah, they get to watch you
take your last.
[audience laughing]
The great thing for them
is when they misbehave,
you won't remember what they did wrong.
"If I told you once,
I told you a thousand times some shit."
-[laughing] You're senile.
-Stop it.
I can't wait to take them
to their first game.
What, bingo? [laughing]
-'Cause you're in a home.
-Stop it.
Will they be riding on the
back of your motorcycle? No.
The back of your electric scooter. Yay!
"Come on, Dad, let's run over
the extension cord again." Yay!
Thump, thump, yay!
You don't have to take them to Disneyland.
You can just put them on your chairlift.
-You can't use the stairs.
-Stop it.
Stop it.
Play hide-and-seek?
No, because you'll forget
what the fuck you're looking for.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
You'll be so old by the time your sons
are ready to hear the sex talk,
you'll be saying to them:
"When a man and a woman
love each other very much,
the man takes a blue pill.
Waits for it to kick in,
then lowers the railings
on his hospital bed.
Throws his legs over this side
and breaks his hip."
Wow, breaking your hip
right after taking a Viagra.
"Well, before we put a cast on that, sir,
we're gonna have to wait four hours."
-You got a boner.
-Stop it.
Just do not ever give them that talk.
No one wants to hear the sex talk
from their grandpa.
I'm not their grandpa.
Hey, if it looks like a duck
and it walks like a duck...
-You're a fucking duck.
-Stop it.
-Might fucking quack.
-Stop it.
Stop it!
I feel sorry for your boys,
'cause when they're old enough
to go to school,
other boys will be saying,
"My dad can beat up your dad."
They'll be saying, "We can beat up
our own fucking dad.
Just have to knock him
out of his wheelchair first."
Then you'll be laying
on the ground yelling:
"Help! My 5-year-old sons
kicked my ass and I can't get up!"
-'Cause you're weak.
-Stop it.
-You're gonna get them a dog?
No, get them a dog now.
Get them the Shar-Pei,
one of those full-defurred dogs.
Why that kind of dog?
Well, when they're teens,
everybody will be used to having
some blind wrinkly thing
wandering around the house
bumping into walls.
-Stop it.
-But they're healthy?
-Good, 20 fingers and 20 toes?
-Two bats and four balls?
-[chuckles] Yes.
-You'll bring them on the tour bus?
Be like us and make them sleep
in the suitcase?
-'Cause you're an asshole.
-Stop it.
Just make sure you teach them
how to tell time.
I will. But why?
So, they'll know when to give you
your medication.
[audience laughing]
-Are they talking yet?
-Not yet.
But we're starting
to watch everything we say,
'cause eventually,
they repeat everything they hear.
What are they gonna get in trouble
for saying?
Prune juice.
-Funeral arrangements.
-Stop it.
Have you kid-proofed the house yet?
-Everything but a couple of antiques.
-What, you and your mom?
-'Cause you're both old farts.
-Stop it.
Think of how old you'll be
when you teach them to drive.
-It'll be fine.
-No, it won't.
They'll learn to drive
if their indicator is always on.
When they graduate from high school,
you gonna give them wheels?
-What, the ones off your walker? [laughs]
-And two fucking tennis balls.
-Stop it.
So, with the kids in the house, is
the chica, womp, womp, kind of affected?
-A little bit.
-Yeah, now it's: chica, womp, womp, womp.
You used to have on music
like Sade and Luther Vandross.
Now you do it to the sounds
of the baby monitor.
Chica, chica, womp, womp, [crackling]
You light candles, but now it's
to get rid of the smell of the diapers.
-Not just the boys'.
What are your wife's signals
when she's ready for love?
Does she coyly
wipe the spit off her shoulders?
"Hey, Daddy.
I can change your diaper.
Want something to drink?"
Oh, like you have never thought of that.
Are you gonna be one of those
really cautious dads?
-What does that mean?
-Kids wearing knee pads and helmets.
-I mean, you should.
You didn't have that when you were little.
-Probably affected you.
[audience laughing]
You're talking to me.
[audience laughing]
This isn't real.
I know. It's hard for you to accept,
isn't it?
You should've worn the fucking helmet.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
What are you--? What are you doing?
Being annoying.
This is awkward.
I know.
I don't like this.
If I were any closer...
I would be in you.
[audience laughing]
-Back off.
-I can kick your ass.
What is wrong with you?
Stop it.
[audience laughing]
What the hell is that?!
Is that my hair?!
Put it back!
-Give me it back!
-You know how this works, right?
-You have a hole in your head.
Is this gonna hurt?
I hope so.
[Peanut] Wait,
-I just asked you if this is gonna hurt.
I bet no one
has ever asked you that before.
[audience laughing]
Okay, here's one.
This is the one you've heard a lot.
Is it in yet?
[audience laughing]
Say good night, Peanut.
Thanks, Dublin!
[audience cheering]
[Black Star Riders'
"Soldierstown" playing]
They know he's bound for Soldierstown
It's written on the moon
They're pulling all the shutters down
Listening fearful of his tune
He'll sing his song of sixpence
Break his fist upon a door
They know the score in Soldierstown
He's journeyed here before
There is no choice, no compromise
Give up one of your kin
To save the other children
To save your bone and skin
Tonight's the night, you must decide
Which son will stay or go
The devil rides in Soldierstown
His boots cut through the snow
A shadow falls on windows
Praying that he'll pass
Listening for the death knell
Of his breath upon the glass
You all must lose a finger
If you wish to save a hand
The stranger chants a mantra
That the townsfolk understand
Now every son and daughter
Has been taken in the night
Condemned, they say, to slaughter
If they dare to take the fight
It's midnight out in Soldierstown
There's a knock upon the door
The youngest pushed out in the snow
To save the other four
You can hear the screams in Belfast town
Or so the story goes
You can trace the sets of footprints
In the deepest winter snows
There's nothing here in Soldierstown
Save misery and pain
The crops all failed in Soldierstown
They never grew again
The stranger, though misunderstood
Had to come to save their young
To steal them from their poverty
Turn their faces to the sun
To a place where law
And love were taught
And peace, it overflowed
One night a soulless father
Met the stranger on the road
I'll fight until one of us dies
He screamed into his face
"I admire your noble notion"
Said the stranger, touched by grace
But first please let me show you
Where the young you gave me play
In meadows filled with laughter
Growing wiser by the day
One day your son may save you all
From the hell of Soldierstown
"But take him back," the stranger cried
His patience wearing down
A stranger came to Soldierstown
When 20 years had passed
Looking for his father
Breathing slowly on the glass
There is no choice, no compromise
Give up one of your kin
To save the other children
To save your bone and skin
Tonight's the night, you must decide
Which son will stay or go
The devil rides in Soldierstown
His boots cut through the snow
You can hear the screams in Belfast town
Or so the story goes
You can trace the sets of footprints
In the deepest winter snows
There's nothing here in Soldierstown
Save misery and pain
The devil rides in Soldierstown
He's smiling once again
The devil rides in Soldierstown