Jeff Foxworthy: The Good Old Days (2022) Movie Script

Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you for being here.
It is nice to be out of the house, huh?
I don't really...
I don't wanna talk about COVID tonight.
A couple of things
I will mention.
I learned a couple of things during COVID.
One, I learned
from wearing that mask everywhere I went
and breathing my own breath,
I need to go back
and apologize to anybody I've talked to
in the last 30 years.
Oh, my!
I had no idea my breath was that bad.
Seriously, one day
I was in the grocery store
and I'm like,
"Has a cow pooped in a gut pile?"
"What is that?"
And you're like, "Oh, no, that's me."
Something else I learned during COVID,
especially during lockdown,
is I am not qualified
to meet all of my wife's
conversational needs.
It takes a village, as they say.
And I am but one man.
I love my sweet little wife to death,
but she is a talker. She could talk
three dogs off a meat wagon.
She's also what they call
a verbal processor,
which means every time
she has a thought or an idea,
she doesn't just think it,
she says it out loud.
So every morning during lockdown,
I would get up
and pour myself a cup of coffee,
and I'd turn around,
and there she would be.
Every morning it'd be like,
"Have you thought about where we're gonna
go when this pandemic is over?"
"'Cause I've gotta get out of this house.
Talking about out of this house,
you are not gonna believe what I found out
about the family
that moved in down the street."
"I told you
I thought that lady looked weird."
"There's another light
burned out in the kitchen."
"I can't cook in the dark."
"So, Mr. Buster, if you wanna eat,
you might wanna pull the ladder out."
"Why is it so hot in here?
Are you not hot? I am burning up."
"Robin told me she can't find toilet paper
anywhere, people are hoarding it."
"I think there ought to be
an express line in Hell
for anybody that hoards toilet paper."
"That is so, so wrong."
"Oh, my God,
I just saw my butt in the mirror."
"Why didn't you say something to me?"
"It's getting as wide as a school bus."
"It's a wonder
I'm not knocking lamps off the table."
"I had the weirdest dream last night."
"I dreamed that your mother
and Will Smith got married,
and that's not even the weird part."
"The weird thing is,
they were jumping on the trampoline
with firemen helmets on
and saying their vows."
"What do you think that is all about?"
"Why are you looking at me like that?
Is my hair messed up?"
"All right, now, concentrate,
I want you to help me think of somebody
we can set my cousin Kyle up with."
"Bless his heart, he's all by himself
and he needs somebody."
"And talking about needs,
I need you to look at my car,
because the 'check engine' light's
been on for a while."
"When I say a while, I mean a few months.
Every time I drive it,
there's a burning smell, and I don't think
it's supposed to do that."
"Oh, my God, what if Kyle is gay
and he hasn't come out of the closet yet?"
"Hey, say a little prayer
for Chip and Jennifer's grandson."
"He's getting circumcised today,
and speaking of 30% off,
that necklace I've been wanting
is on sale."
"So if you wanna go ahead
and get it for me for my birthday,
that would be all right."
"Hey, if Kyle is gay,
do you know somebody we could
set him up with?"
"'Cause you work in show business,
and there are a lot of gay people
in show business."
"I know you're gonna roll your eyes
and tell me it's too far down the road,
but for next year's 4th of July picnic,
should I make potato salad
like I did this year,
or should I make that baked macaroni stuff
with the feta cheese and the tomatoes
I made a few weeks ago and you loved it?
I could do either."
"It doesn't matter to me."
"And what's the deal
with your brother lately?"
"He has become such a Moody Judy.
I don't even wanna talk to him."
"Why are you making a noose?"
"Untie that from the ceiling fan
and get off the bed."
"You're messing up all my pillows."
My day every day during lockdown.
Now, some good stuff
happened during COVID too.
Some really good stuff. I became a grandpa
for the very first time during COVID.
And I love this little boy
more than any human being on the planet.
And my daughter, I don't know how
she pulled this off, but somehow,
she arranged to be able to get on
the Jerry Springer Show,
and we were able to find out
who the father is
without spending one dime
of our own money, so
That was great.
I'm kidding, um
We have no idea who the father is.
Something else great that happened
is my mother's flip phone finally broke.
That is an event 20 years in the making.
One month into COVID,
my mom's flip phone broke,
and so we bought her
her very first iPhone.
And if you were to say
to me tonight, "Jeff,
would rather teach your mother how to text
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
I'd probably say,
"Hand me the toilet paper."
"Let me give that a shot."
The texting has been
a little bit of a challenge.
And my daughters were so excited
that their Gaba was finally texting.
So they're texting her.
One night, I get a call from my mom
and she says to me,
"What is 'LOL'?"
I said, "What are you talking about, Mom?"
She said, "Jordan sent me a text
and at the end of it said, 'LOL.'"
I said, "How do you spell it?"
She said, "L-O-L."
I said, "Mom, that's not LOL.
That's 'Laugh Out Loud.'"
"That's what the kids do now.
Instead of writing everything out,
they just use initials."
"Like 'IDK' is 'I don't know.'
'OMG' is 'oh, my gosh.'"
I said, "That's how they do it."
A few nights later,
I get a text from my mother that says,
I'm like, "Oh, God, Mom's had a stroke."
I called her up and said,
"Mom, what did you just text me?"
She said, "I was doing like the girls do."
I said, "If you go to the grocery store,
I need some ketchup."
"Well, of course. Why didn't see that?"
And she loves this iPhone
because it has features on it
that her flip phone didn't have, like
So she called me one night
and I answered
'cause I didn't have anything to do
for an hour and half.
And I'm talking to my mom,
and during the call, my mom mentioned
that there'd been a couple of break-ins
in her neighborhood.
I said, "Mom, that's a little concerning."
She said, "I know."
She said, "That is why I'm thinking about
getting my carry permit."
My mother is 85 years old.
Her eyesight is bad, her hearing is worse,
and she has the balance
of Ron White after midnight.
And now,
she's thinking about getting a pistol.
And I said, "Look, Mom, I am a supporter
of the Second Amendment."
I said,
"And you can call me overly cautious."
I said, "But maybe
you shouldn't be packing heat
if you're wearing a Life Alert."
Though she could use her pillboxes
to sort the bullets in, you know.
I said, "Mom, you might want
to think this out."
I said, "You better hope loading the thing
is easier than opening a jar of pickles,
or you're gonna be in trouble."
'Cause she has arthritis in her fingers.
Then I thought, "Hell, I bet my agent
could get her a commercial.'
"You know, my arthritis had gotten so bad
that I could barely jack a round
into the chamber."
"But thanks to new, improved Bufferin,
I can make it rain, dawg."
"You feel me, bruh?"
I hung up the phone and said to my wife,
"I know what I'm getting Mom
for Christmas."
"I'm gonna get her the magnetic holster
she can slap on the side of her walker,
and I'm getting her husband
the bullet proof vest
he can wear underneath
his cardigan sweater,
just in case she goes spider monkey
during the Wheel of Fortune."
And that's where my wife and I
are in life right now.
We got our kids grown,
got them out of the house.
We had a quick snack.
Now, we're raising our parents.
I swear they passed each other
in the driveway.
Let me tell you something,
I thought teenagers were crazy.
Teenagers are a piece of cake
compared to old people.
They're nuts!
I was getting my car serviced a while back
and they called to say it was ready.
I called my father-in-law, said,
' "Can you give me a ride?"
On the way to the dealership,
he needed to stop for gas.
I learned on that little stop
that it is possible
to wash your entire car
with the squeegee from the gas station.
And I know this
because I sat in the passenger seat
and watched him do it.
I sat there until the guy at the next pump
started videoing it,
then I slid down in the floorboard
'cause I didn't want to get tagged
on Instagram.
He got back in the car, I said,
"You do realize the gas station
has got a car wash right there?"
He goes, "Yeah. Well, that's six bucks."
I'm like, "So to save six dollars,
you gave away all your dignity
and washed your car
with a squeegee and the dirtiest water
on the planet Earth?"
I used to have fantasies
about going out with a girl
as nasty as the squeegee water
at the gas station.
He is such a trip.
And he walks around,
he's got his pants up to his nipples now.
And he just talks about how the world
has gone to hell in a hay wagon,
and it used to be better
back in the good old days.
Of course, when he describes
the way he grew up,
it's always tough. It's like, "Oh, yeah."
"We had no electricity,
me and my brother shared a pair of shoes."
"We had to walk to school
through five feet of snow."
I'm like, "When did it snow five feet
in New Orleans?"
But I kinda get what he means
about the good old days.
Because, think about it, as you get old,
technology has changed your entire life.
Morality has changed.
Society has changed.
All of a sudden,
you find yourself living in a world
that doesn't make sense to you.
So you kinda long for that world where
you felt like you had things figured out.
To them, that's the good old days,
but it couldn't have been perfect.
I was asking my mom about it.
Do you know my mom had an outhouse
until she was 14 years old?
I said, "Mom, what would you do
in the wintertime
if you had to go to the bathroom
and it was late at night?"
She said, "We went in a bucket."
They called it a slop jar or honey pot.
That's what they did.
They went to the bathroom in a bucket.
And I'm thinking,
"I know how my wife responds
the aroma of a broccoli casserole
that's been in the refrigerator
one day too long."
"I cannot imagine her response
to a bucket of turds in the living room."
And you know
one of the euphemisms for dying
is "he kicked the bucket."
I bet you
that's what that's talking about.
"Baby, I'm sorry,
but I accidentally kicked over
that bucket there in the living room."
I think if things had been perfect
in the good old days,
the guy that invented Viagra
wouldn't be a billionaire.
'Cause back in the good old days,
when God told you
you were out of the game,
you just walked out in the backyard
and started a garden.
And the only hoe you were playing with
was the one to get the weeds
out of the tomatoes.
But now, thanks to Viagra,
people are playing into their 80s.
Let that mental image
sink in just a second.
Just that pile of flesh
and everything in the pile
looks like it needs ironing, you know.
I do think it's cool
that the nursing homes
are now giving the old guys
half a tablet a night,
just to keep them
from falling out of bed, so
Kind of a kickstand deal there.
Now, everybody talks about this stuff.
Back in the good old days,
if a man was
trying to shoot pool with a rope,
he kept it to himself.
Now, it's a cottage industry.
I heard a radio ad the other day
where this guy said
thanks to his ED formulas,
he could now help men perform
for 30, 60, even 90 minutes.
I'm thinking, "90 minutes?"
Oh, my gosh,
my attention span is not that long.
After 20, I'd be like, "I'm gonna go
make a sandwich. You want anything?"
I mean, there is a little something
to aging gracefully, right?
And I miss my youth.
I miss my young body.
I would not trade
my old-minded soul for it,
but I do miss my young body.
I remember being a little kid
and having energy to burn.
When was the last time you had
excess energy you needed to burn off?
Think about it. When you were a kid,
you had so much energy
you couldn't watch TV
just sitting in a chair.
You had to stand on your head,
or be half on the chair and half off.
The commercial would come on,
you'd wrestle with each other
till the show came back.
Hell, if you walked in my house now
and you found me watching the TV
with my butt on the sofa
and my head on the floor,
call 911.
Because even if I am still alive,
there's no way I'm gonna be able to get
back into a standing position by myself.
But I had a great childhood.
You know, I played every sport.
For the recreation center,
my parents didn't make me pick one sport
because they thought
I was gonna play professional whatever.
I played every sport.
And it was weird back then.
If you wanted a trophy,
you had to finish in first place.
It was nuts.
So many great memories.
I remember, as a child,
going to the doctor.
If you behaved yourself
and you didn't cry if you got a shot,
you always got to pick out a toy
from the treasure chest
behind the nurse's station.
Anybody remember the treasure chest?
Why did that have to stop?
Seriously, I wouldn't mind
going to the doctor now
and him putting on a rubber glove
to check my prostate
if I knew on the way out,
I could swing by the treasure chest
and get a new spider ring, you know?
"That baby glows in the dark."
"Turn out the lights.
Check that out right there."
I remember being a kid
laying in the back window of the car
riding all the way to Florida.
Nowadays, because of child car-seat laws,
you have to be in the 6th grade
before you can see where you're going
instead of where you just been.
Now one of the hardest things in our lives
is we have to remember passwords.
Nobody can remember their password
to any... There's so many of them.
When I was growing up
back in the good old days,
I only had to remember one password.
That was the password to get in
to our secret clubhouse back in the woods.
And it was a beauty.
"What's the password?"
It was all we thought about,
so why not make it the password?
Every meeting
I ever remember having in the clubhouse,
that's what it was about.
One of my friends,
I think he's in prison now,
had a theory that if Heaven
was a perfect place,
once you get past the pearly gates,
it would just be
a giant field of naked boobies,
and they'd let you take your shoes off
and run around for a little while.
I remember thinking right then and there,
"I'm going to church."
I know education is probably better now.
I mean, because they test you
to see if you have learning differences,
or if you're gifted,
they might give you elevated courses.
Back in the good old days,
it didn't matter if you were a genius
or if you were eating Crayons,
you were all in the same class.
And they put no thought
into what they were teaching us.
I remember, like,
my 11th-grade year of high school,
one semester of English
was devoted entirely to poetry.
What were blue-collar kids
from the wrong side of the tracks
going to do with poetry?
Now they're teaching sex education
in the 5th grade,
starting in the 5th grade.
Nobody taught me about sex
back in the good old days.
My parents told me nothing.
My school taught me nothing.
Everything I learned about sex
I pieced together for myself.
I'm serious. When I was 11,
we had an uncle that raised rabbits.
So we were out at his farm one weekend
and he took a group of us out to the shed
where he kept the rabbits.
He had all the males in cages on one side,
and all the females in cages on the other.
He opened a male's cage,
grabbed him by the scruff of neck,
walked over, opened a female's cage,
dropped him in there.
And that male rabbit
jumped on top of that female rabbit
and jackhammered like a hurricane
for, like, five seconds.
Then he fell off on his back.
And everybody was laughing, except me.
'Cause I'm like, "Oh, my God, I don't know
if I gonna be able to do it that fast."
Turns out I had nothing to worry about.
You know, probably the
The thing that changed most
from the good old days to now
is this.
This little gadget right there.
This little gadget changed the world.
Now everybody on the planet
has one of these in their hand, 24/7, 365.
Doesn't matter
if you're in a third-world country,
you might not have enough to eat,
you got a phone.
Back in the good old days,
my entire family
had one phone.
It was hardwired
into the wall of the kitchen.
It came in four possible colors,
black, white,
harvest gold, and avocado green.
We had the avocado green,
and my parents actually sprung
for the extra-long cord.
Let me tell you, the phone company
didn't cheat you on the extra-long cord.
Our phone cord
was over a quarter of a mile long.
My mom could walk down the driveway
and check the mail,
never quit talking to her sister.
"You know, 'cause I".
But because
the whole family had one phone,
you never had any privacy
if it was for you.
So you'd learn tricks.
Like, you'd run it under the door
and go down the hall or sit in the pantry
and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend
while your siblings made kissing noises
from around the corner.
But because you stretched it out so far,
remember the downside
of the extra-long cord? Anybody remember?
Yeah, it was always
tangled up.
Like Aunt Judy's thong
after kickboxing lessons.
But when it was stretched out,
it was almost like a lethal weapon.
My mom used to talk on the phone
when she was cookin'.
They were on other sides of the kitchen.
So one night she's cooking
and talking on the phone,
and I'm chasing my brother
through the house.
We round into the kitchen,
he never saw the phone cord.
He hit it right there.
His feet went up in the air,
the back of his head hit the floor
like wedding night panties.
My mom never quit cooking
and never quit talking.
She went
Now, I will say this,
back in the good old days,
you got excited when the phone rang.
Yeah, you would race each other
to answer the phone.
'Cause you had no idea who it might be.
Might be your grandmother, might be
the President of the United States.
You didn't know till you picked it up.
But now caller ID
has taken all the joy
out of answering the phone.
Now your phone rings, you're like,
"Oh, hell, no. I ain't doing that."
"Nobody got time for that."
Because we stick our phones
in our pockets, our purses, and things,
they're always rubbing up
against something
and we're always accidentally
dialing people we didn't meant to dial.
We call them "butt-dials."
All right, I'm gonna see
what an honest audience you are.
How many people
listen more intently to butt-dials
than they do actual phone calls?
If somebody butt-dials me
and I don't have anything to do,
I'll stay on for, like, 20 minutes.
I'm like
I have a buddy named Purdie,
makes furniture.
Purd always sticks his phone
in the front pocket of his blue jeans,
so he's always butt-dialing somebody.
One night he butt-dialed me,
and I didn't have anything going on,
so I'm just listening to him
walk around his shop.
After about ten minutes,
I hear a door open,
and I hear a lid go up,
and I hear him starting to pee.
Being the mature adult that I am,
I jumped out of my chair,
ran into the kitchen to my wife,
and went, "Purd's peeing!"
We put it on speaker phone.
And me and my wife stood there
and listened to my friend urinate.
"Oh, my God, I hope he farts at the end."
"Oh, please. Please."
What is wrong with us?
And here's the fascination with this.
The thing we had mounted on the wall
in the kitchen,
that was only a phone, this is everything.
This is everything
we used to go somewhere else to get.
Like people used to stay up late
to watch the eleven o'clock news,
so they knew what the sports scores were
and what the weather was gonna be.
Now you have up-to-the-minute radar.
You've got the weather
for the next two weeks,
and you've got all your sports updates
right there.
This thing is your airline tickets,
your Bible,
it's your flashlight, it's your Rolodex.
It's your music library,
it's a video arcade.
It's a world-class camera.
See, some of you younger people
don't know this.
Cameras used to be separate things,
and you would have to buy film,
and put it in 'em.
And you would take 24 pictures
having no idea if they were good,
or bad, or out of focus.
Then, when you'd taken all 24,
you'd take the film out of it,
go to the drugstore,
and you'd give it to them
where they'd process it.
And then after everybody
that worked at the drugstore had
had an opportunity
to look at your pictures,
they'd call you, and you'd go get them.
And you knew they'd looked.
You're picking them up, they're like,
"When did y'all go to the Grand Canyon?"
"You son of a bitch."
But, see,
back then pictures were precious.
Even if they were out of focus
or somebody's head was cut off,
you'd put 'em in a photo album
'cause it was your only proof
that you'd been somewhere.
But now, you can look at your picture,
if something's wrong with it,
you delete it and take another one.
So pictures are no longer precious.
We just take pictures of everything.
My daughters take pictures of their food.
When we're in restaurants,
when the waiter puts their plate down,
my daughters are like,
"Hold on. The camera eats first."
They take a picture of their food
and send it to their friends.
I'm like, "Hell, when I was growing up,
if you ate a delicious waffle,
other people had to take your word for it.
This thing is amazing.
Do you know this thing,
if it is lost, it can find itself?
Most of us need Jesus to do that,
but not this joker.
It can not only find itself,
it can find you.
It can find anybody in your family.
It's a world-class GPS.
You put in it any direction
to anywhere in the world,
it will take you right there to it
and tell you, within the minute,
what time you're gonna get there.
We didn't have GPS
back in the good old days.
We had maps.
We kept them
in the glove compartment of the car.
And nobody ever wanted to open them,
because if you did,
you never got it folded back down again.
So we were always lost.
Hell, when we went on family vacations,
the only thing that was "recalculating"
was our dad.
"All right kids, I have changed my mind."
"Instead of going to Disney World,
we're all just gonna go in this
hardware store and have a look around."
"How about that?"
This thing is amazing.
This little thing is more powerful
than the biggest computers
we had in the world in 1980.
All the knowledge in the world
right there at your fingertips.
You wanna know how much
an elephant weighs? Ask your phone.
You wanna know how tall Tom Cruise is?
Ask your phone.
Back in the good old days,
if we wanted to know something,
we had to wait until our cheap-ass parents
broke down
and bought a set of encyclopedias.
And here was the deal,
you didn't get them all at one time.
You made a down payment,
they give you the A volume.
You keep making payments,
a few years later, you'd get the B.
So that first year,
you could talk very intelligently
about Antarctica.
Or aardvarks.
But if you had to do
a school report on Zimbabwe,
you were being held back another year.
'Cause that Z volume wasn't coming
until you were in your 30s.
And I don't know that having
all the knowledge in the world
is necessarily a good thing.
We're obsessed with it.
Especially when it comes to medical stuff.
Back in the good old days,
people accepted aches and pains.
It's just part of what went on
when you started getting old.
Now any time we have an ache or pain,
we gotta go Google it.
You could have a hang nail,
you're Googling it.
"What's the best way
to treat a hang nail?"
"On rare occasions,
hang nails can be an indicator
you've had an undiagnosed
cerebral hemorrhage."
"Oh, hell!"
"What's wrong, Lloyd?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong, Connie."
"Sixty seconds ago,
I didn't know I had a cerebral,
and now, apparently,
the damn thing is hemorrhaged."
You get scared to death
with medical stuff on your phone.
You don't even have to be looking for it.
I had a pop up not long ago that said,
"Low back pain can be an early indicator
of premature blindness."
Hell, I've got low back pain.
I thought it's 'cause I helped my wife
rearrange the furniture in the den.
Why did I move the couch?
Now I'm just gonna run in to it.
I gotta get online and order a guide dog
while I can still find my laptop.
Thing is amazing.
It's a TV.
No excuse to ever miss the game anymore.
How many guys, be honest,
ever sat during a wedding
with your phone in your lap,
turn the volume down,
and watched the football game?
Yeah. And it's porn.
You don't even have to be looking for it.
There's so much porn in here,
it's looking for you.
Not long ago, my wife and I were trying
to figure out where to go eat one night,
I typed in "delicious Italian near me."
I'm like
Mamma mia.
That's a spicy meatball there.
See, back in the good old days,
porn was when of your friends
found a discarded Playboy magazine.
And you'd sneak it back
to the secret clubhouse in the woods.
Therefore, the password.
And maybe if you're into porn,
now is the good old days
because it took two hands
to hold that magazine
but only one hand to hold your phone.
And human beings being able to corrupt
anything that is good
have found such naughty things to do
with this phone.
People actually take pictures
of their private parts
and send them to other people,
which is such a fabulous idea.
What could possibly go wrong
with an idea like that?
See, back in the good old days,
if I had wanted to send my girlfriend
a picture of my private parts,
I would've had to have found
a piece of notebook paper,
put it on the edge of the kitchen table,
waited until nobody else was home,
ran over to the table, dropped my pants,
lay junior on the paper,
take a pencil and trace him out.
Then, I would've
had to have got a box of Crayons.
And it would've
had to been the 64-count box
because that was the only one
that had flesh tone in it,
color it in, fold that paper up,
put in in an envelope,
address it to my girlfriend,
put a stamp on it, walk down the driveway,
and put it in the mailbox
to mail it to her,
so three days later
she could call me and go,
"Why did you send me
a drawing of your thumb?"
Just not the sexy effect
you're looking for.
One of the things
I missed the most during COVID
was this, being on the road.
I love to travel.
My wife loves to travel,
and when it became evident that we weren't
gonna be going anywhere for a while,
my wife ordered
a bunch of travel magazines.
So one night I'm sitting at home, flipping
through one of her travel magazines
and I found an article in there
that was written by a woman
trying to teach other women
how to pack for a ten-day trip
using only a carry-on suitcase.
Let me repeat that.
A woman
packing for ten days
using only a carry-on suitcase.
And I thought,
"What woman is she talking about?"
My wife couldn't pack for a nudist colony
in a carry-on suitcase.
Now the airlines
only let you take one carry-on.
If I'm with my wife, she'll have two,
and I have
whatever I can fit in my pockets.
But I thought it was interesting,
because we live in an age
where people
try to make everything sexist,
that this article was just written
to women. She didn't say men.
'Cause I think men
could do ten days in a carry-on.
- Could you do it?
- Oh, yeah.
I could do it.
You might be burning the socks
and the underwear, but I could do it.
'Cause I think most men
probably pack like I pack.
I'll walk in my closet and I think,
"Okay, I'm about to be out for 3 days."
"Three days means three pairs of socks,
three pairs of underwear, three shirts,
another pair of blue jeans
in case I spill something on these,
toothbrush, razor blade.
Boom, ready to go.
Ten seconds of well-thought-out packing.
That's how I pack.
Now, when I go on vacation with my wife
And let me say this right up front,
I love being on vacation with my wife,
'cause my wife is a lot more "friendly"
on vacation than she is at home.
Something about having numbers
on the doors seems to light her fire.
The same girl
that won't look at me twice at home,
you get numbers on the door,
she is hanging the trapeze
before the bell hop's to the ice machine.
Love being on vacation with my wife.
It's getting to vacation
that is the challenge
because it takes my wife
longer than ten seconds to pack.
It takes her days to pack.
Because she has outfits.
There's not a man in this room
that has an outfit.
But my wife has to put together an outfit
for every day we're gonna be gone.
Plus additional outfits, in case
we go out somewhere nice to dinner.
Plus reserve outfits,
in case some of the starters get hurt.
So this takes a lot of time and work.
So two or three days
before we're even supposed to leave,
my wife will start
pulling clothes out of the closet
and she'll lay them on the bed
like Flat Stanley mannequins.
And she just stares at them.
Sometimes she'll call me,
"Come here, I need your help."
"Okay, I am down to these two outfits.
Which one do like the best?"
The one on the left.
"Are you kidding me?"
"What's wrong with the one on the right?"
"Nothing wrong with it.
I just like that one on the left."
"I love that one on the right."
"You know what?
Now that I start thinking about it,
I think I really like that one
on the right."
"No, you don't."
"You're just saying that."
"Now I don't know what to do."
"I know what to do.
I'm gonna go jump in front of a bus."
"You stand here
and stare at this for a while."
And, see, the difference between us
is once I have my clothes packed,
I'm packed.
With my wife, her clothes,
that's just the foundation.
Her packing is like an archaeological dig.
There's many, many layers to it.
Because once she has
all the outfits picked out,
now she has to go back
and pick out the jewelry
that goes with each particular outfit.
If you watch Court TV,
that's what they call
"the jewelry selection process."
Next layer is the shoes.
The shoes take a long, long time.
She doesn't like to be
apart from her shoes.
She spends longer
picking shoes for vacation
than we spent
picking names for our children.
I hope to God she never has to choose
between her shoes and me.
'Cause I could see the surgeon going,
"Mrs. Foxworthy, we can save Jeff's life,
but in order to do it,
you would have
to get rid of all of your shoes."
"He said he wants to be cremated."
"I'm gonna need some new shoes
for that ceremony."
Next layer is the electronics.
Because one time,
we went on vacation
and the hotel didn't have a hairdryer.
Now my wife never packs a suitcase
without packing a hairdryer.
But she also packs a hair curler
and a hair straightener.
I'm like,
"Don't they cancel each other out?"
Then, she'll pack
that lighted makeup mirror
where one side has 12-times magnification.
Nobody needs to look at their face
magnified 12 times.
At 12-times magnification, a wrinkle
looks like an irrigation ditch,
a blackhead looks like a manhole cover,
and God forbid she find a chin hair.
Trust me, you're not
getting a girl out the door
that sees something on her chin that looks
like the anchor rope to a battleship.
Do you know I have never,
ever looked at my face
in the 12-times magnification mirror?
Okay, to be totally honest,
a couple of times,
I did get out of the shower
and pause in front of it
just for a minute.
Buenos dias, Seor Enchilada Grande.
Next layer for my wife,
it's a total feminine phenomenon.
It's the "just in case" layer.
She'll always pack a little raincoat
and her travel umbrella,
just in case it rains.
I'm like, "Baby, I checked the forecast,
there's less than a 5% chance
any day we're gonna be there."
"Okay, fine."
"I don't know
what you're gonna do if it rains."
I'm like, "I do.
I'll probably go back inside."
She'll always pack a sweater
or light jacket,
"Just in case it gets cold at night."
As it so often does in Orlando in July.
Anybody else have a wife or girlfriend
that does this one?
My wife will pack
a collapsible, soft-sided suitcase
inside of the hard-sided suitcase.
People pointing at each other.
Just in case I buy something
while we're there.
And if you're a gambling man,
take the over on my wife
buying something while we're there.
And I have never looked inside
the collapsible suitcase,
but I'm willing to bet there's a smaller
collapsible suitcase inside of it.
My wife always loads up
a gallon Ziploc bag full of medicine,
just in case somebody gets sick.
One time, I was playing in Buffalo,
it's like February.
They had snow up to here.
I had a little bit of a headache.
I go unzip the medicine bag,
we've got malaria pills.
Thankfully missed the great
malaria outbreak in Buffalo that winter.
And I tell her,
"Baby, I love you to death."
"This is where your packing
just starts getting out of control."
So the last time we're getting ready
for vacation, I walked in the bedroom,
I caught her rooting through my suitcase.
She pulled out a five-pound bag of oats.
She's like, "Uh-huh. What is this for?"
I said, "Oh, that?"
I said, "That
Is just in case the two donkeys
we're gonna need to carry your luggage
get hungry while we're gone."
And actually she packs light
for airline travel
as opposed to
if we're going on vacation in the car.
If we're going on vacation in the car,
there's a fine line
between packing and moving.
But my wife and daughters
think it is their obligation
to fill that SUV to the roof.
And the way they pack a car
would make a man lay in the floor and cry.
They'll bring out a bag with bread
and potato chips, put it on the bottom,
then put three suitcases on top of it.
I'm like, "If you want me to live,
please let me do this."
'Cause there's an art to packing the car,
is there not?
My dad taught me, you do suitcase Tetris.
Flip them, spin them,
turn them upside down.
When he would get finished,
you couldn't get a piece of notebook paper
between anything in that vehicle.
My dad can get a house full of furniture
into the trunk of a Buick.
"Hold me the jack, hand me the piano.
I got this son of a gun now!"
And like my daddy,
once I get that car packed,
I'm ready to go.
Not my wife.
"No, we can't go yet."
"The car's packed. Why can't we go?"
"Because I gotta straighten up the house."
"Wait, do what?"
"I'm not gonna be able to have a good time
if I know I'm gonna be coming back
to a messy house."
"Why didn't you straighten it up
the last couple of days?"
"Because I had to pack."
Which, in a nutshell,
is why men die before women.
Because we want to.
We have been married for 36 years.
My wife still...
Thank you.
She still doesn't understand
that my primary objective,
when going on vacation in the car,
is to get to wherever we are going
in the shortest recorded time
in human history.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I've learned through the years,
my wife's objective
on a vacation trip in the car,
is to consume enough liquid
where she will have to pee
every 15 minutes,
therefore destroying my objective.
And my wife
will never have to go to the bathroom
until we've just passed an exit.
Then she's like, "Ooh, I gotta go,
and I gotta go really, really bad."
I'm like, "Well, you will really, really
get your chance in 44 miles
'cause that's how far it is
to the next exit."
Well, she will not go between exits.
And every man in this room
has been between exits.
Nobody had to teach us how to do it.
We came out of the womb
with this knowledge.
You pull the car off to the
side of the road, you get out,
and you check the air
in the right front tire.
It's that easy, isn't it?
And, ladies, you could do this.
Yes, you could. Change it from
the right front to the right rear tire.
I hope you guys have had fun tonight.
You know, it's...
You know, I'm such a blessed man,
because I've gotten to do this
for a long, long time.
And I've gotten to do
a lot of different things,
whether it's write books,
or host Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
Or different things.
So I've never been bored.
But If anybody
put a gun to my head and said,
"You gotta pick one thing,"
without hesitation it would be doing this.
I love stand-up
because this is what I see when I do this.
"That's what you do. You do that."
And every night I'm like,
"Thank God it's not just my family."
"Other people are doing this too."
None of us have it figured out.
Everybody's family is crazy.
The only negative thing
I've ever found about this job
is you're on the road by yourself.
Which was why doing something like
the Blue Collar Comedy Tour was so fun,
'cause I wasn't on the road by myself,
I was with my buddies.
People will always say,
"I bet y'all have so many funny stories
from when you're on the road together."
And there's a ton of them.
And I'm not gonna
tell one on the other guys,
because they're not here
to give their side of it
and make it twice as funny,
but I will tell you, uh
One funny road story about me
that we can leave on tonight. So
Not the summer of 2020,
the summer of 2019,
I was doing a bunch of summer dates
with Larry the Cable Guy.
And in the summer, you get used...
"Git-R-Done." Yeah.
So when you do shows in the summer,
you get used to being hot,
'cause it's usually,
you know, festivals, or fairs.
Or amphitheaters.
We did a music festival in Phoenix.
It was 112 degrees the day we did it.
The promoter's trying
to make us feel good.
"Come on, y'all, it's a dry heat."
I'm like, "So is the electric chair.
It's 112."
But Larry and I did this show one night,
and it was in the South.
I won't tell you the name of the city,
'cause somebody's probably
talented enough to go online
and find a security camera
that could verify this.
But it wasn't just hot, it was humid.
And you can see, I don't sweat very much.
But this night, ten minutes into the show,
I am dripping.
I mean, it's just dripping off my nose.
Thirty minutes into the show,
I look like I'm in a wet T-shirt contest.
Like somebody sprayed me with a fire hose.
I don't think I've ever sweated that much.
So when the show was over,
I immediately go back to my dressing room
and start guzzling Gatorade and water
trying to rehydrate.
And we hardly ever eat before a show,
'cause it kinda makes you sluggish,
so we're always hungry
when the show is over.
So I'm in my dressing room
chugging the Gatorade
and I hear Larry the Cable Guy
coming down the hall.
He swings into my doorway
and he's like, "Hey, let's go eat!"
And Larry says this a lot, uh
And I usually go,
'cause it's fun to watch Larry eat.
I mean, he can go.
But you know how get when you get too hot,
you don't feel like doing anything.
And I said, "Dude, I got too hot tonight.
I'm not hungry."
"I think I'm just gonna
go back to the hotel and go to bed."
He's like, "Are you kidding me?"
He goes, "I cannot wait until
you ask me to do something for you."
'What are you, nine years old?"
"This isn't personal. I got too hot."
So I got in the van,
and they took me back to the hotel.
Anybody that makes their
living on the road, you know, you kinda
You have your little routine.
Like, I always like it
really dark in a room,
so I'll turn the lights down low.
I like it cool.
I'll turn the thermostat down.
But every day you're changing cities,
and every hotel room
is a little bit different.
So one of my tricks is,
I'll always turn the lights on
in the bathroom and I'll shut the door,
so if I have to
get up in the middle of the night,
at least I can orient to, you know,
what this particular hotel room is like.
And I usually sleep in my underwear,
but this night they're soaking wet.
And I told you,
I only pack three pairs, so
I'm like, "I'm not sleeping
in wet underwear."
So I peel them off,
and I flop in the bed naked and I'm out.
Well, I wake up about 1:30 in the morning,
and I really, really, really have to pee.
Any guy over 40
knows what I'm talking about.
You have to pee too much
to go back to sleep.
There's no way you're going back to sleep.
But you don't really wanna wake up.
You just wanna go get this act over with
and get back in the bed.
So I get up, got my eyes about half open,
I see the light, and I walk in there.
Well, as soon as the door closes,
I realize that I'm in the hall
of a really nice hotel
without a stitch of clothes on.
You wanna wake up in a hurry,
this is the way to do it.
Forget coffee, this is much faster.
So I'm standing there
with nothing on in the hall.
I'm like Matt Damon in The Martian,
"Solve the problem, solve the problem."
Well, I knew Larry's room
was straight across the hall from mine.
So I run over there.
And I'm knocking on his door.
And he's not answering.
And I can just picture him
peeking through the keyhole and laughing.
As I'm knocking on his door,
I hear the elevator ding.
I'm like, "Well, I got a 50-50 shot,
they're either gonna come my way,
or they're going the other way."
These two Korean guys get off,
they're talking to each other,
and they turn,
and they start heading right to me.
I'm like, "All right, what do you do?"
"Act like nothing's up." So
I start walking towards them.
Literally pass them in the hall.
I'm like, "Hey, how are you doing?"
And one of them said something,
which I really hoped meant,
"Wow, that was impressive."
But when I looked it up on Translator,
I found out it meant,
"Did you see her mustache?"
So I knew I couldn't get on the elevators.
I know elevators have cameras on them.
I don't want to get on the elevators,
and I'm like, "What the heck do I do?"
Well, I saw the exit sign over the door
for the stairwell.
I'm like,
"At least get out of the lighted hallway
into the stairwell
and then try to come up with a plan."
I'm hoping, as I'm running down the hall,
that there'll be a trash can there
with a trash bag that I can pull out
and wear like a sundress or something.
I get into the stairwell
and there's no trash can.
I'm trying to think
my way through what to do,
and I notice there's a couple
of empty beer cans on the floor.
Well, the reason I got up
in the first place was I had to pee.
I have no idea how long
I'm going to be in this stairwell,
and I'm not proud of this,
but I picked those beer cans up
and I peed in them
and put them back.
I feel terrible about it.
'Cause I know somewhere down the road,
somebody's gonna have to clean them up.
But it was Old Milwaukee,
and I figured they'll pick them up and go,
"Yeah, that's Old Milwaukee all right."
But, like I said,
this was a really nice hotel.
So they had 24-hour room service.
And I thought, "Maybe somebody has put
their room service tray outside the door
and I can get that cloth napkin
that they put on it
and wear it like
a Tarzan thing or whatever."
So I start going down the stairwell
and stopping at every floor
and looking down the hall
to see if I can see a room service tray.
I get down about,
I don't know, two or three floors
and I don't see a room service tray,
but I see two pizza boxes
outside somebody's room.
Well, at this point,
they look like a tuxedo to me.
So I run down the hall,
pick up the pizza boxes,
go back to the stairwell,
and I go down the last couple of floors,
and never do find a room service tray,
but by now, it's really late.
It's like 2:00 in the morning.
And from the lobby level,
I can crack the door open,
I can see almost the entire lobby.
I don't see anybody.
I don't hear anybody talking.
I think, "All right,
be brave for 20 seconds."
I got one box in the front,
one in the back,
and I go skidding.
I go up to the desk,
there's this woman working there.
As I approached, she looks up and goes
"Can I help you?"
'Yes, ma'am, you can."
I said, "I accidentally locked myself
out of my room,
can I just get another key,
so I can get back in?"
And she goes,
"Do you have any identification?"
I said, "I do,
but it's in my other pizza box."
I'm like, "No, I locked myself
out of my room. I have nothing."
And she said, "Uh, well
I think I'm gonna need to call a manager."
And she goes behind the wall.
And I'm thinking,
"She's not calling a manager."
"She's calling the cops."
But it's two o'clock in the morning,
I'm naked with a pizza box
in front of my junk.
What am I gonna do?
And as I'm waiting,
all of the sudden,
the front doors to the hotel slide open
and in walks Larry the Cable Guy
and our tour manager.
And I'm like, "Thank you, God!
This is answered prayer."
They come walking across the lobby,
again, I am naked
holding a pizza box.
Larry walks up, he doesn't say,
"Oh, my gosh, bud, what happened to you?"
He looked at me,
he looked at the pizza box,
he goes,
"I thought you said you wasn't hungry."
"I've been sitting here naked in the lobby
eating pepperoni."
I said, "Dude, I accidentally
locked myself out of my room."
Well, about that time,
here comes the front desk lady back
and now she's got
a security guard with her.
I said, "Larry, I need you to do me
a favor. Please tell her who I am,
so she can give me a key
and I can get back in my room.
He looked at me,
and he looked at her, and he goes,
"I have never seen him before
in my entire life."
And he got on the elevator and went up.
Now, thankfully,
the security guard burst out laughing.
He recognized both of us.
This was, like, the nicest guy
I think I've ever met in my life.
He got the emergency key, he rode up
the elevator with me and the pizza box,
and walked me down the hall,
let me in my room.
I said, "Wait right here."
I went and got my wallet.
I gave him a hundred-dollar bill.
I'm like, "Thank you so much."
"Please never tell anybody about this."
And now I'm telling y'all for free.
So I got back in my room,
I put on my sweatpants and my T-shirt,
and made sure
I had that room key in my pocket,
and I waited about ten minutes.
And I walk back across the hall
and knock on Larry's door.
He opens the door, he's still laughing.
He's like
He said, "I told you I couldn't wait
until you asked me
to do something for you."
I said, "All right, you got me."
I said, "Are we even?"
He's like, "Yeah, we're even."
I said, "Well, just to prove
I don't have any hard feelings,
I went and got you a beer."
You guys have been so great!
God bless you!
Be safe! Take care of each other!
Thank you for coming out.
You guys are the best.