Jeff Ross Roasts America (2012) Movie Script
- Whitney houston just died.
- What's that?
Whitney houston
just died.
That's a joke.
All: no.
Whitney houston
just died?
Shit. Houston,
we have a problem.
- Too soon!
- Too soon?
Apparently not.
hey.
Look out, everybody.
Jeff ross here.
Yeah!
Hola!
What's up? What's up?
I'm heading out
on my first national tour,
Roasting my way
around america...
How often are you gonna
get roasted by the master?
If you're pregnant
or weird-Looking...
You have
a civic obligation...
To get 15 seconds of pain,
if your skin is thick enough.
Volunteer only.
Here we fucking go.
Finding out
who can take it...
Listen,
slumdog thousand-Aire.
You're like
a sitcom black dude.
You're not
a regular black dude.
Look at that!
And who can't.
Aah! Ow!
Whoo! Ow!
Let freedom zing...
And let the roasting begin!
My first stop
was my second home, seattle.
I warmed up backstage
by roasting my nephew, jared,
Right before the show.
Happy birthday.
What do you want to be
if you grow up?
Nice outfit, i didn't know
baby gap had women's clothes.
Jared looks like justin bieber
if he cut his own hair.
That's pretty good.
Behave or i'll drop you off
at penn state university.
Put your hands together
for the roastmaster general,
Jeffrey ross, everybody.
This worked out.
Thank you, seattle.
I got a haircut
for you people.
I told the guy, "make me look
like gaddafi's nephew."
It almost rained today,
didn't it, seattle?
Almost.
How many days a week does it...
You think it rains here?
All: seven!
- Seven days a week?
You people are wetter
than whitney houston
In a beverly hills
hotel bathtub.
You people...
- Too soon!
- Never too soon, sir.
How stoned
are these motherfuckers?
People smoke pot
in seattle?
Yee-Haw!
You can say anything while
you're holding in pot smoke
And it makes it okay,
right?
Mom's dead.
Uh-Oh, i don't know
if i want it.
I want to stick my pinkie
in your asshole.
I'll take that as a yes.
I invited courtney love,
but she didn't show up.
She told me
she's writing her book.
That's gonna be
a can't-Rememoir.
That plot's
gonna have more holes
Than kurt cobain's garage.
Too soon for the kurt jokes,
seattle?
I haven't read the book,
but i bet it ends with a bang.
All apologies.
How far does bill gates
live from here?
Bill gates is so rich,
He wipes his ass
with seahawks tickets.
Bill gates is so rich,
he's 100% of the 1% of the 1%.
Bill gates is so rich,
He hired cancer
to kill steve jobs.
This is my guitar
from high school.
I consider it
an old friend.
When i'm on the road,
i bring it with me,
And, uh,
it keeps me company.
Steve jobs was a great american,
and that one...
That one was...
At his funeral, his family made
this elaborate tribute video,
And then it didn't work
'cause you needed flash.
They put him in
this really expensive coffin.
Then they paid extra
for a plastic case
To protect it
from scratches.
Did you see him?
He was thinner than the ipad 2
At the end there.
Everybody wanted to
work for steve jobs,
Except his pancreas.
Steve jobs,
roast in peace.
I made a challenge
that i would try
Speed-Roasting volunteers
from the audience.
I don't pick on people.
It has to be volunteer only.
15 seconds of pain,
seattle.
Whoever wants to come up,
now's your chance.
I'll take the first, like,
eight people or something.
Okay, hold on,
that's enough dudes.
Wait a second.
All right, just women now.
Just women only.
Women only.
All right.
Oh, my god, look at this
lost kardashian.
What's up?
- I love you, jeff!
- Oh, my go...Oh!
Pop! Pop!
- You're so sexy.
- Oh, my god, wow.
Somebody get her
a black cock fast.
Ow! Ow!
Look at this gay nazi
over here.
heil hitler!
Come on, do it with me.
Do it with me.
Heil hitler!
And this guy,
what's your story?
I saw you at the theater
when i walked by
At, like,
what time today?
Uh, i think it was,
like, 2:00.
This guy got to
the theater at 2:00.
I thought he was
a really big fan,
Turns out
he's fucking homeless.
What do you do?
- Uh, i'm a laser operator.
- A what?
- A laser operator.
You must
get tons of pussy.
Just one.
- Just one?
- Yeah.
- You have a wife?
- Um, in a couple months.
Oh, you're gonna...
You're engaged?
- Yes.
- Wow, what does she do?
- She...
- I know she's not a dentist.
You asked for this, buddy.
I didn't...I didn't...
- No, hey, hey.
- Come here, ladies.
Let's check you out
for a second.
Two fives
make a ten, right?
Right!
Yeah! We're doing it!
We're fucking doing it!
Wow.
You have such a sweet face.
- Aw, thank you.
Are you, like, missing
a chromosome or something?
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
But...But it makes everything
so much better.
I feel you.
I could see that.
I could totally see that.
- Good.
I love you guys.
And look at you.
You stole a tablecloth
from chuck e. Cheese.
Hey, man, it's a recession.
It's a recession.
You talking about
your tits?
Oh, my god,
look at that.
I'd like to give you both
my space needle.
Bet your pussies
smell like pike's place.
Take a bow, you guys.
You can go back to your seats.
Super, super cool of you ladies
to come up here.
Good luck with your pubic hairs
coming in.
- All right, any time now.
- Love you.
- Thank you, darling.
Security, escort her
back to my hotel room, please.
A cold, beautiful day
in toronto.
No roasting of america
would be complete without a stop
At our cousin's backyard
to the north.
Our big, dumb cousin,
canada.
It's kind of like
visiting the family.
It's kind of
an obligation.
Gotta remind these canadians
who's boss.
This isn't a roast,
it's a thaw.
My dick is inside my stomach
right now,
It's so cold out there.
Uh, i watched a canadian
porno movie yesterday.
That was cool.
Two girls,
one stanley cup.
Last time
i was in montreal,
Celine dion had just given birth
to identical twins,
Which was quite an achievement
given her age and face.
Too soon
for the celine dion jokes?
There goes
my michael j. Fox routine.
I'm not making fun
of michael j. Fox.
That's shaky ground
right there.
Oh, my...Hey,
how about a hand for the band,
Doing a great job tonight.
If you're pregnant
or weird-Looking,
You have an obligation
to your fellow canadians
To come onstage right now.
All right,
that's probably good.
Wow, this is working out.
Come on.
Holy shit,
let's talk to this guy.
Come over here, sir.
Sir, when i asked for pregnant
people to come onstage,
I wasn't trying to
refer to you,
But...Come here.
Come here, doll.
Let's just...
Let's just compare you two.
You guys are...Just rub bellies.
Just rub bellies a little bit.
The three of us.
The three of us.
You guys are all so cute.
Come here, how you doing?
- Good, how are you?
- What's your name?
- Amanda.
Amanda. You are so
sexily pregnant right now.
- Thanks.
- Who's the baby daddy?
- He's out there.
This woman is too pregnant
to be out in public right now.
I'm so h...Can i touch?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Do you know
what you're having?
- A boy.
- Oh, that's awesome.
I'm glad you're here
because they say
It's very healthy
for the baby's development
To hear people laughing,
to hear the mother laughing.
- That's right.
Imagine if i was
licking your pussy right now,
How good that would be
for the unborn baby.
What do you say?
What do you say?
Sure.
Mmm, i gotta jerk off again.
Hold on a second.
Oh, i don't even know.
Come here.
You are so...
Look at you.
Wow, you look like you were
raped on the way here.
What happened
to this fucking outfit?
Is everything okay?
Did you make it in okay?
What happened, exactly?
They ripped your...
Half your dress off.
I want to bite your shoulder
right now.
- You're a creep.
- What's your name?
- Sarah.
- Sarah with an "h"?
- Yes.
- Oh, i gotta jerk off.
What do you do
all day, sarah?
- A student.
- Oh, yeah?
Of what?
- Mba.
I know
it's not fashion.
All: oh!
It's gonna be okay, sarah.
You're here
amongst friends today.
Miss, it was great
to meet you.
Honey, i'll see you...When?
When will i see you?
- After the show.
- After the show?
Do you ever suck dick
for coke?
How about diet pepsi?
Do you take diet pepsi?
Mamala, thank you
for being a good sport.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming up here
When i asked for
a volunteer.
Good luck with your baby
and your daddy.
Oh, that was so fun.
Washington, d.C. Has
a reputation for being uptight.
That wasn't the case with
the people i was running into.
Hey, honest abe!
Want to come hear me
roast abe lincoln?
Last time i roasted
somebody this stoned,
It was charlie sheen.
Abe, you were america's
best president ever,
And our
worst theatergoer ever.
- Too soon, too soon.
Too soon?
All: too soon.
I heard that play
was so bad,
He was hoping
to get shot in the head.
Too soon,
too soon, too soon.
Of course,
abe lincoln freed the slaves.
Is that why all black people
drive lincolns?
Now i'm gonna go roast
martin luther king.
Come on!
- Yeah!
I heard that they
just approved medical marijuana
Here in washington too.
Is that true?
It'll be
a billion-Dollar industry.
Doctors will start
advertising on tv.
"Do you have trouble
sleeping 12-14 hours a night?"
Sometimes i wake up
after nine or ten hours.
"Are cartoons not as funny
as they used to be?"
We're in a political area.
Do you guys think, uh,
the president
Should get his job back?
No!
- Really?
He gets a lot of credit
for, uh, being on the lookout
For osama bin laden and killing
that motherfucker, right?
Osama bin laden, living in
that run-Down compound
For years
With his 3 wives
and 11 kids.
I have a theory
that osama bin laden
Called the navy seals
himself.
"Somebody fucking kill me
"Before i do something crazy.
"I'm at
1313 boulevard,
"Abbottabad.
A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A-
B-B-A-A-A-A-
B-B-B-A-A-B-A
as in aah!
Anybody who wants to
come onstage.
It has to be
volunteer only.
This is gonna be...
Look at this guy, wow.
You got balls
for coming out.
That's awesome.
You could stay.
Your buddy could stay.
Holy shit.
This is too fucking...
Oh, my god,
when did harold kumar?
Look at this, we got the
bob's big boy up here.
The f...
Holy shit, you got
the biggest tits up here.
What's up, man, how you doing?
- What's up, bro?
- Nice to see you, buddy.
Are you really
on the redskins?
- Damn right.
- What position do you play?
Bottom?
You got brass balls
coming up here
To get
speed-Roasted.
This guy has seen
more life experience
Than i'm ever gonna see
Or most people will ever see
in their lives.
I talk shit for a living.
I live in a country
where free speech
Is the most important thing
to me.
So these guys over here,
And this fucking
tough maniac over here,
Protects my right
for free speech.
yeah.
You're the first person
from the hospital
Ever to come up onstage
during one of my shows,
And honestly, i don't know
what the fuck happened to you,
But this is a long way to go
to lose weight.
- I know, right?
I hope you're having
a fucking blast.
- I did, in afghanistan.
- What?
I said i did have a blast,
in afghanistan.
awesome.
Awesome.
Funny motherfucker.
I was expecting
to take a bow.
Take a bow?
I'll take one with you.
You ready?
We'll do it together...
Holy shit.
Somebody's
gotta fuck this guy.
- Hear ye, hear ye!
All that talk
about freedom of expression
Made me want to
take it to the limit.
So i took the day off
And headed to
the sunshine state.
You all look very beautiful.
Whoop.
Forget speed-Roasting,
i was roasting in my speedo.
- Usa! Usa! Usa!
Sir, put your clothes on
and exit the water immediately.
- Am i in trouble?
- Yeah, you are.
- For what?
- Please stop the filming.
You do not have
the authority to film me.
Step over to
the lifeguard tower, please.
And let's not make a scene
Before they pull up
the paddy wagon.
All: ross! Ross! Ross!
Uh oh, busted for desecration
of the flag?
Well, i talked to the cops, and
they let me off with a warning.
Apparently, it's still
illegal to rock out
With your cock out
in this country.
- Jeff ross!
- Next stop, minneapolis.
Every day's
another adventure, you know?
You pass through places
that you've never been,
And you pass through places
that you have been.
So there's always
all kinds of different emotions
Every single day.
When i was 17, i had sex
with somebody named kayla,
And she tracked me down
through my website
And said she wanted to
come say hi,
So i think she'll be there,
Which is, uh, cool
and weird, and, uh,
I guess kind of funny.
I know you guys
can take a joke,
And i'm sorry
that the, uh, vikings
Aren't in
the super bowl tomorrow.
That's...
I'm really sorry,
but look,
At least your wnba team
wins every fucking championship.
What are they called?
All: lynx!
The lynx?
More like missing links,
what the fuck?
They're fucking 8 feet tall,
those fucking women.
They're awesome though.
They're the only team
from minnesota
That doesn't
play like girls.
I have so much...
- i love you, jeff ross!
- Thank you, sir.
I love you too, sir.
I lost my virginity
to somebody from st. Louis park.
Are you here?
Come here,
say hi for a second.
Holy shit,
this is nuts.
Wow, you look beautiful.
- How are you doing?
- That is so crazy.
You turned out
a lot better than i did.
Wow.
You want to tell the story
of what happened?
It'll be really fun.
Is this okay
that i'm doing this?
- Does it matter?
- No.
- You got a baby!
- That would be crazy.
That would be crazy
if my, like, 20-Year-Old son
Came down those steps
right now.
It's the dude
with the beer.
Don't even fuck with me
right now.
Too soon, too soon.
The way i remember it,
you said to your friend sue,
"I want to lose my virginity,
and that guy jeff
"Just happened to be
over at your house,
So i'm gonna fuck
that guy tonight."
I was just some fat loser
with braces.
No, no,
you were cute back then.
You had a mission,
and i happened to be the lucky,
Very lucky guy
Who got to put his 17-Year-Old,
3-Inch penis
Inside your foot-Long-Deep,
18-Year-Old,
Sweet, super-Tight,
delicious...
You know, it's, like,
your first time,
And it's always very awkward,
but i remember it, in the end,
Like, very beautiful,
and a very fond memory
Of having sex with you
for 15 seconds
In sue arbetter's
parents'...
- Parents' bed.
- Bed.
Which begs
the obvious question,
What are you doing tonight?
That was so awesome.
Thank you, kayla.
Wow, what the heck
just happened?
Have you guys been watching
that aids documentary on fox?
All: no.
I think it's called glee.
I hope those kids are okay,
that's all i'm saying.
By the time i got to wisconsin,
i was in full roast mode.
Madison, holy shit,
you people are fat.
No offense.
What do you put in the water?
Cholesterol?
I lost my virginity
from someone from minnesota.
I motorboated a dude today.
It was crazy.
You are fat, wisconsin.
Look at me.
This is so crazy,
what are you?
Come here a second.
Look at that!
Wait, there's another one!
Oh, my god,
come up here, fellas.
Let's fucking turn this into
ernest goes to a comedy show.
I would love to see you guys
fuck each other,
Like cousins do,
wisconsin style.
Let's put the "sin"
in wisconsin.
Are you guys related or married,
or what's the story?
- No.
You don't even
know each other?
- Nope.
- How can two guys be so similar
And not even
know each other?
What's your name, sir?
- Paul.
- Paul.
And, uh?
- Leif.
- "Leave"?
Like "get the fuck
out of here"?
And look at this.
How you doing, baby?
Come here a second.
- Oh.
If you had to fuck
one of these...
Escaped prison inmate...
I don't even know
what these are.
How do you feel about having
the exact same hair on your face
As i have on my balls?
Are you okay with that?
- Yep.
I didn't even see this.
What do your knuckles say?
Come here a second.
- "The truth."
- What's that?
- "The truth."
The truth?
The truth?
- You can't handle the truth.
- No, i can handle the truth.
It's you...I don't know
if you can handle the truth
Because the truth is
you need a fucking bath.
Let me tell you something.
You guys have a great walk
back to the woods.
- Thank you.
- All right?
Tell mom and dad
and cousins all i said hi.
Being on the road
can be lonely.
All right,
now show your heinie.
Whoo!
So by the time
i got to vegas...
- Hey, jeff!
- I was ready to bang anybody.
I'd like to double down
on those right now, whoo!
I'm all-In.
I love coming to vegas, man.
I wanted to stay
at new york, new york,
But it was too expensive,
So i stayed
at newark, newark.
There's a guy taking a shit
in the lobby.
I like when you fly in,
you see the luxor.
You see that fucking...
That bat-Light
for fucking hookers going.
The tramp lamp.
You know you're in vegas
when you see that shit,
Right, honey-Tits?
I went to
the david copperfield show.
That was incredible.
He did his best trick ever.
He made criss angel disappear.
Wha-Ha! Gone!
I want
your shoes, bitch!
I want
your shoes, bitch.
I want my balls
in your mouth, bitch.
It's friday night
in vegas.
This is a song that my dad
used to play for me
Right before he used to
stick his pinkie in my asshole.
That's the only part i know.
I used to pass out
right after that part.
I remember the lyrics.
The lyrics were...
"Shh."
I know it's march madness.
We must have some sports fans
in this weekend.
I'm more of
a football fan myself.
I love football.
Too soon for the penn state
sex scandal jokes?
All: no!
In honor of the recent death
of coach joe paterno,
I think we should all
take 12 years of silence.
Hey, i don't know if
i want to live in a country
Where a coach
can't wash his players' legs
After a workout.
Let's not forget
who the real victims are,
The guys who work as janitors
in the penn state locker room.
Hey, i care, people.
I read the fucking
ten-Page indictment.
I twice.
I had to put it down.
We lost two great comedians
from the roast world last year,
Patrice o'neal
and greg giraldo.
If you know those guys,
show 'em some love.
If you don't know 'em,
look 'em up, buy their stuff.
It's worth it,
i promise.
You know,
when comedians lose people,
We feel pain
more than most people.
That's our trade, pain.
It was so sad
when my favorite rapper,
Right here in vegas,
tupac, was murdered.
I guess now his name would make
more sense backwards, right?
Caput.
For years,
i thought tupac shakur
Was a jewish holiday.
"What are you doing
for tupac shakur?"
"I don't know,
is that the one
Where you don't eat
for 24 hours?"
"I think it's the one
where you get shot in the face
In las vegas."
"Oh, okay."
In honor of my dad,
joe paterno, steve jobs,
Tupac, greg, and patrice,
Roast in peace.
Look at these
people.
Right?
- That's my daughter, yeah.
How long have you guys
been related?
- 23 years.
- "Twenty-Twee" years?
- "Twenty-Twee," yeah.
- Jesus.
- I'm from boston.
- He's from boston!
Your fucking breath
smells like her pussy,
That's all i know.
- Yeah, right.
Don't get smart standing
where you are, motherfucker.
okay, there, uh...
Were you crosby,
stills, or nash?
I never get...
Wow, man,
i can't wait till we...
Well, you're better looking
on fucking tv, i know that.
Thank you,
you're very ugly in person,
Just for the record.
- Thank you.
Wow, and who the fuck
is this?
I'm the one
that's been yelling at you
All fucking night.
Wow, way to go,
you fucking cunt.
- Whoo!
How did she get up here
after all that?
What the fuck
is wrong with you guys?
- Give me your shoe, baby.
- Shh shh shh.
Why is this
fucking drunk person up here?
Someone...
Thank you, thank you.
- Good job, jeffrey.
- Okay, thank you.
You guys are very disgusting.
- you.
- Wow.
Oh, my god.
I heard
you like older women.
Oh, my god.
What's your name?
Bea arthur.
I'll do the jokes,
gladys, okay?
Wow, you are f...
I want you to know,
that's my daughter.
Oh, my god, we got
the whole fucking cast
Of the golden girls
here today.
Don't knock it
till you've tried it.
- What's that?
Don't knock it
till you've tried it.
I'll fucking try the knockers
any time you let me.
I live in vegas,
and these are real.
- Wow.
I gotta jerk off
right now.
Oh, my god,
you are the sexiest stripper
I've ever seen.
Wow, look at you.
Who does your hair,
the joker?
You are gonna
get it tonight.
Don't leave.
Don't leave, darling.
From your mouth
to god's ears.
- What's that?
From your mouth
to god's ears.
- Wow.
From your mouth to my dick,
here we go.
Whoo! Ow!
I got hit!
Did you catch that?
Seven shows in a row!
- I saw, i saw.
Thank you.
Why are you still up here?
- 'Cause i love you.
Look at this, we got...
The verizon guy's here tonight.
Sir, come here a second.
How you doing?
Let's just get you
out of the way,
'Cause you look
creepy as shit.
What's your name?
- Mark.
- Mark?
Why do you have to drink
while you're onstage?
You're on fucking camera
right now, why would you...?
Is this comedy central
right now?
No, it's the fucking
history channel.
What do you think it is?
What's your name, darling?
- Alice.
- Give it up for alice
For being an amazing sport.
Sexy and beautiful
and cool as hell.
- Come on, cousin jeff,
Let's shoot us
some bis-Keets!
Pull!
Both: oh!
- That's awesome.
- Perfect.
Oh!
- Die, heckler.
My last stop was nashville.
I figured i'd head in
a couple days early
To hang out with
my crazy cousin john rich.
- Welcome to tennessee, cousin.
- Whoo-Hoo!
- Whoo, doggies!
Wait, we're not
really cousins, are we?
- Probably not.
If there's one thing
i learned about the south,
They treat everybody
like family.
What's up? What's up?
Hoo! Yeah!
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Whoo! Hot diggity
whoo-Hoo-Ha!
These boots were made
for roasting, motherfuckers.
Wow, what a shithole.
I want to see
if people from nashville
Have a good sense of humor,
that's my goal.
I know you have
a high liquor tolerance.
What's that?
- I need another cocktail.
- Holy shit.
I never heard anybody
slur and stutter
At the same time.
Wow.
Yeah!
- Get her a reality show.
Look at this fucking
country snooki over here.
What's up?
You really want to
come up here already?
- Yeah.
- climbing over shit.
bring me down, baby.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, my god,
i'm gonna get some purell.
What do you think
i'm gonna do?
Help.
No, not really.
I got this.
- Bring it.
- I got this.
- Bring it.
- What's your story, baby?
- I don't know yet.
Oh, my god, is your pinkie
in my asshole right now?
I'm supposed to be...
I'm supposed to be at home.
- You're supposed to be at home?
- Yeah.
But they, uh,
they repossessed it?
- Maybe.
Maybe, i don't know.
What do you want?
My wallet back,
for starters.
- Yeah.
shut up.
Whoo.
- Look at you.
I didn't know they paid hookers
by the pound around here.
That's sweet.
- Oh!
- I'm not that fat.
- No...
Yeah, you are, come on.
Let's face it.
- Uh...
I did not expect the show
to start out like this.
Dis me, dis me.
Let's do this.
All right, i got a great idea.
If you can stand still for...
- I will.
- For ten...Move into the light...
For five seconds,
all right?
No, turn around,
turn around, turn around.
No, no, face me.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Okay.
You're ready to go,
aren't you?
You'd let me fuck you
on this keyboard, wouldn't you?
Hold on a second, hold on
a second, hold on a second.
What's your name?
- Pam.
- Okay, hold on.
I just want to say...
That i've always loved...
- Actually...
- Shh, shh, shh.
- That's our food, actually.
I love you.
I've loved you
Since the beginning
of this show.
And with this onion ring,
i thee wed.
Will you marry me, pam?
- Yeah!
- Thank you.
- Yay!
- Wow.
- Yay!
Thank you
for the ebola virus.
Give her
a round of applause.
Be careful, pam.
You're a good sport.
Oh, my god,
I'm getting the whole
fucking thing right here.
Wow, you have
the tits of an angel
And the ass of a plumber.
Baby jesus.
Life is short,
make as much love as possible.
I mean,
i read a crazy article
In the new york times
science section.
Some of you
may have seen this.
Some medical researchers
think that blow jobs
Could potentially
cause cancer.
Don't panic, lady.
It's not proven yet.
Some doctors think
that there could be a virus
In the man's semen that,
if it gets in your throat,
Could cause cancer.
They haven't proved it yet.
We'll know when that's proven
'Cause that'll be
the biggest story in history.
Our top story tonight, blow jobs
cause canc...Wait, hold on.
We found a cure
for blow job cancer.
Whew!
Sorry, breast cancer,
You'll have to wait
a little longer.
Doctors had an emergency.
I repeat, blow jobs
do not cause cancer.
That would be tough news
to swallow.
Back to you, katie.
Thanks, bob.
In other news,
jeff ross is in town.
No, i don't know
if i'm a good lover.
I'm good at the...
The build-Up, you know?
The...The ramp-Up.
The preproduction.
The, you know,
the foreplay.
When it comes down to the...
I'm gone in 60 seconds.
I told my girlfriend
we need a system, you know?
Keep me from having
an orgasm so fast.
I said, "what if you
just, like, whisper...
"If we had a code word
that you just whispered
"That would make me, like,
flip the switch in my head
And not...
And just last longer."
She says, "well, what do you
want your code word to be?"
And i didn't think
about it, you know?
I just thought of
the worst thing ever
That came to my mind.
I said, "i don't know,
just say, uh,
Just say 'holocaust.'"
Couple mornings later,
we're making love, and...
Nothing better
than some morning love,
And we're having
some grits and bagels.
And we're making love,
and it's just beautiful,
And she's so beautiful,
i'm about to explode.
And suddenly, she whispers
in my ear, she says,
"I can't believe those poor
6 million jews who died
In the concentration camp
at auschwitz."
I was like, "what the fuck
are you talking about?
I don't want a wikipedia
printout right now."
Then i came on her tits
and killed
Another 6 million jews.
Too soon?
Never too soon.
All right, nashville,
let's finish this up
With a poem.
Yeah!
Fuck yeah!
This is awesome!
This is megan mullins,
an amazing, amazing musician.
John rich, one of
the top songwriters in history.
I tried to find
a cowboy hat to fit you.
- I looked all day.
I found a couple
that would fit your head,
But none of 'em
covered up your face,
So i decided
not to buy any of 'em.
- Wow, i love that.
Today, we were
shooting guns, and...
And it occurred to me that
you thought a 9-Millimeter
Was a big gun.
But then
it also occurred to me
That you measure your dick
by centimeters.
Thank you so much
for roasting the roastmaster.
Big & rich.
Save a horse.
How about save my eardrums,
write a new song?
Huh.
I love you so much.
John rich has done
for country music
What flavor flav has done
for country music.
Wow.
Music city.
If you're with somebody
you care about,
You might want to
join hands.
This is a love poem.
It's called
baby, move over.
"Baby, move over.
I'm on the wet spot."
"Fuck you, baby.
You move over.
It's your wet spot."
"Fuck you, baby.
It's our wet spot."
"I'm sleeping
on the couch."
"All right,
well, nice meeting you."
Thank you so much, everybody.
I love you guys so, so much.
I just want to say, uh,
I've been in so many cities
on this tour,
And i have learned so much.
Americans everywhere i go
have a great sense of humor,
Especially about themselves.
So thank you all
for being great sports.
I'll see you again soon,
but not too soon.
I love you so much.
Thank you.
Bye, everybody.
Bye, everybody.
Thank you.
Enough with
the bread already.
- What's your name?
- Courtney.
Courtney. I gotta just jerk off
for a second.
I gotta jerk off.
Hold on.
I gotta jerk off
right now.
This is
the best job ever.
- What's that?
Whitney houston
just died.
That's a joke.
All: no.
Whitney houston
just died?
Shit. Houston,
we have a problem.
- Too soon!
- Too soon?
Apparently not.
hey.
Look out, everybody.
Jeff ross here.
Yeah!
Hola!
What's up? What's up?
I'm heading out
on my first national tour,
Roasting my way
around america...
How often are you gonna
get roasted by the master?
If you're pregnant
or weird-Looking...
You have
a civic obligation...
To get 15 seconds of pain,
if your skin is thick enough.
Volunteer only.
Here we fucking go.
Finding out
who can take it...
Listen,
slumdog thousand-Aire.
You're like
a sitcom black dude.
You're not
a regular black dude.
Look at that!
And who can't.
Aah! Ow!
Whoo! Ow!
Let freedom zing...
And let the roasting begin!
My first stop
was my second home, seattle.
I warmed up backstage
by roasting my nephew, jared,
Right before the show.
Happy birthday.
What do you want to be
if you grow up?
Nice outfit, i didn't know
baby gap had women's clothes.
Jared looks like justin bieber
if he cut his own hair.
That's pretty good.
Behave or i'll drop you off
at penn state university.
Put your hands together
for the roastmaster general,
Jeffrey ross, everybody.
This worked out.
Thank you, seattle.
I got a haircut
for you people.
I told the guy, "make me look
like gaddafi's nephew."
It almost rained today,
didn't it, seattle?
Almost.
How many days a week does it...
You think it rains here?
All: seven!
- Seven days a week?
You people are wetter
than whitney houston
In a beverly hills
hotel bathtub.
You people...
- Too soon!
- Never too soon, sir.
How stoned
are these motherfuckers?
People smoke pot
in seattle?
Yee-Haw!
You can say anything while
you're holding in pot smoke
And it makes it okay,
right?
Mom's dead.
Uh-Oh, i don't know
if i want it.
I want to stick my pinkie
in your asshole.
I'll take that as a yes.
I invited courtney love,
but she didn't show up.
She told me
she's writing her book.
That's gonna be
a can't-Rememoir.
That plot's
gonna have more holes
Than kurt cobain's garage.
Too soon for the kurt jokes,
seattle?
I haven't read the book,
but i bet it ends with a bang.
All apologies.
How far does bill gates
live from here?
Bill gates is so rich,
He wipes his ass
with seahawks tickets.
Bill gates is so rich,
he's 100% of the 1% of the 1%.
Bill gates is so rich,
He hired cancer
to kill steve jobs.
This is my guitar
from high school.
I consider it
an old friend.
When i'm on the road,
i bring it with me,
And, uh,
it keeps me company.
Steve jobs was a great american,
and that one...
That one was...
At his funeral, his family made
this elaborate tribute video,
And then it didn't work
'cause you needed flash.
They put him in
this really expensive coffin.
Then they paid extra
for a plastic case
To protect it
from scratches.
Did you see him?
He was thinner than the ipad 2
At the end there.
Everybody wanted to
work for steve jobs,
Except his pancreas.
Steve jobs,
roast in peace.
I made a challenge
that i would try
Speed-Roasting volunteers
from the audience.
I don't pick on people.
It has to be volunteer only.
15 seconds of pain,
seattle.
Whoever wants to come up,
now's your chance.
I'll take the first, like,
eight people or something.
Okay, hold on,
that's enough dudes.
Wait a second.
All right, just women now.
Just women only.
Women only.
All right.
Oh, my god, look at this
lost kardashian.
What's up?
- I love you, jeff!
- Oh, my go...Oh!
Pop! Pop!
- You're so sexy.
- Oh, my god, wow.
Somebody get her
a black cock fast.
Ow! Ow!
Look at this gay nazi
over here.
heil hitler!
Come on, do it with me.
Do it with me.
Heil hitler!
And this guy,
what's your story?
I saw you at the theater
when i walked by
At, like,
what time today?
Uh, i think it was,
like, 2:00.
This guy got to
the theater at 2:00.
I thought he was
a really big fan,
Turns out
he's fucking homeless.
What do you do?
- Uh, i'm a laser operator.
- A what?
- A laser operator.
You must
get tons of pussy.
Just one.
- Just one?
- Yeah.
- You have a wife?
- Um, in a couple months.
Oh, you're gonna...
You're engaged?
- Yes.
- Wow, what does she do?
- She...
- I know she's not a dentist.
You asked for this, buddy.
I didn't...I didn't...
- No, hey, hey.
- Come here, ladies.
Let's check you out
for a second.
Two fives
make a ten, right?
Right!
Yeah! We're doing it!
We're fucking doing it!
Wow.
You have such a sweet face.
- Aw, thank you.
Are you, like, missing
a chromosome or something?
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
But...But it makes everything
so much better.
I feel you.
I could see that.
I could totally see that.
- Good.
I love you guys.
And look at you.
You stole a tablecloth
from chuck e. Cheese.
Hey, man, it's a recession.
It's a recession.
You talking about
your tits?
Oh, my god,
look at that.
I'd like to give you both
my space needle.
Bet your pussies
smell like pike's place.
Take a bow, you guys.
You can go back to your seats.
Super, super cool of you ladies
to come up here.
Good luck with your pubic hairs
coming in.
- All right, any time now.
- Love you.
- Thank you, darling.
Security, escort her
back to my hotel room, please.
A cold, beautiful day
in toronto.
No roasting of america
would be complete without a stop
At our cousin's backyard
to the north.
Our big, dumb cousin,
canada.
It's kind of like
visiting the family.
It's kind of
an obligation.
Gotta remind these canadians
who's boss.
This isn't a roast,
it's a thaw.
My dick is inside my stomach
right now,
It's so cold out there.
Uh, i watched a canadian
porno movie yesterday.
That was cool.
Two girls,
one stanley cup.
Last time
i was in montreal,
Celine dion had just given birth
to identical twins,
Which was quite an achievement
given her age and face.
Too soon
for the celine dion jokes?
There goes
my michael j. Fox routine.
I'm not making fun
of michael j. Fox.
That's shaky ground
right there.
Oh, my...Hey,
how about a hand for the band,
Doing a great job tonight.
If you're pregnant
or weird-Looking,
You have an obligation
to your fellow canadians
To come onstage right now.
All right,
that's probably good.
Wow, this is working out.
Come on.
Holy shit,
let's talk to this guy.
Come over here, sir.
Sir, when i asked for pregnant
people to come onstage,
I wasn't trying to
refer to you,
But...Come here.
Come here, doll.
Let's just...
Let's just compare you two.
You guys are...Just rub bellies.
Just rub bellies a little bit.
The three of us.
The three of us.
You guys are all so cute.
Come here, how you doing?
- Good, how are you?
- What's your name?
- Amanda.
Amanda. You are so
sexily pregnant right now.
- Thanks.
- Who's the baby daddy?
- He's out there.
This woman is too pregnant
to be out in public right now.
I'm so h...Can i touch?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Do you know
what you're having?
- A boy.
- Oh, that's awesome.
I'm glad you're here
because they say
It's very healthy
for the baby's development
To hear people laughing,
to hear the mother laughing.
- That's right.
Imagine if i was
licking your pussy right now,
How good that would be
for the unborn baby.
What do you say?
What do you say?
Sure.
Mmm, i gotta jerk off again.
Hold on a second.
Oh, i don't even know.
Come here.
You are so...
Look at you.
Wow, you look like you were
raped on the way here.
What happened
to this fucking outfit?
Is everything okay?
Did you make it in okay?
What happened, exactly?
They ripped your...
Half your dress off.
I want to bite your shoulder
right now.
- You're a creep.
- What's your name?
- Sarah.
- Sarah with an "h"?
- Yes.
- Oh, i gotta jerk off.
What do you do
all day, sarah?
- A student.
- Oh, yeah?
Of what?
- Mba.
I know
it's not fashion.
All: oh!
It's gonna be okay, sarah.
You're here
amongst friends today.
Miss, it was great
to meet you.
Honey, i'll see you...When?
When will i see you?
- After the show.
- After the show?
Do you ever suck dick
for coke?
How about diet pepsi?
Do you take diet pepsi?
Mamala, thank you
for being a good sport.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming up here
When i asked for
a volunteer.
Good luck with your baby
and your daddy.
Oh, that was so fun.
Washington, d.C. Has
a reputation for being uptight.
That wasn't the case with
the people i was running into.
Hey, honest abe!
Want to come hear me
roast abe lincoln?
Last time i roasted
somebody this stoned,
It was charlie sheen.
Abe, you were america's
best president ever,
And our
worst theatergoer ever.
- Too soon, too soon.
Too soon?
All: too soon.
I heard that play
was so bad,
He was hoping
to get shot in the head.
Too soon,
too soon, too soon.
Of course,
abe lincoln freed the slaves.
Is that why all black people
drive lincolns?
Now i'm gonna go roast
martin luther king.
Come on!
- Yeah!
I heard that they
just approved medical marijuana
Here in washington too.
Is that true?
It'll be
a billion-Dollar industry.
Doctors will start
advertising on tv.
"Do you have trouble
sleeping 12-14 hours a night?"
Sometimes i wake up
after nine or ten hours.
"Are cartoons not as funny
as they used to be?"
We're in a political area.
Do you guys think, uh,
the president
Should get his job back?
No!
- Really?
He gets a lot of credit
for, uh, being on the lookout
For osama bin laden and killing
that motherfucker, right?
Osama bin laden, living in
that run-Down compound
For years
With his 3 wives
and 11 kids.
I have a theory
that osama bin laden
Called the navy seals
himself.
"Somebody fucking kill me
"Before i do something crazy.
"I'm at
1313 boulevard,
"Abbottabad.
A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A-
B-B-A-A-A-A-
B-B-B-A-A-B-A
as in aah!
Anybody who wants to
come onstage.
It has to be
volunteer only.
This is gonna be...
Look at this guy, wow.
You got balls
for coming out.
That's awesome.
You could stay.
Your buddy could stay.
Holy shit.
This is too fucking...
Oh, my god,
when did harold kumar?
Look at this, we got the
bob's big boy up here.
The f...
Holy shit, you got
the biggest tits up here.
What's up, man, how you doing?
- What's up, bro?
- Nice to see you, buddy.
Are you really
on the redskins?
- Damn right.
- What position do you play?
Bottom?
You got brass balls
coming up here
To get
speed-Roasted.
This guy has seen
more life experience
Than i'm ever gonna see
Or most people will ever see
in their lives.
I talk shit for a living.
I live in a country
where free speech
Is the most important thing
to me.
So these guys over here,
And this fucking
tough maniac over here,
Protects my right
for free speech.
yeah.
You're the first person
from the hospital
Ever to come up onstage
during one of my shows,
And honestly, i don't know
what the fuck happened to you,
But this is a long way to go
to lose weight.
- I know, right?
I hope you're having
a fucking blast.
- I did, in afghanistan.
- What?
I said i did have a blast,
in afghanistan.
awesome.
Awesome.
Funny motherfucker.
I was expecting
to take a bow.
Take a bow?
I'll take one with you.
You ready?
We'll do it together...
Holy shit.
Somebody's
gotta fuck this guy.
- Hear ye, hear ye!
All that talk
about freedom of expression
Made me want to
take it to the limit.
So i took the day off
And headed to
the sunshine state.
You all look very beautiful.
Whoop.
Forget speed-Roasting,
i was roasting in my speedo.
- Usa! Usa! Usa!
Sir, put your clothes on
and exit the water immediately.
- Am i in trouble?
- Yeah, you are.
- For what?
- Please stop the filming.
You do not have
the authority to film me.
Step over to
the lifeguard tower, please.
And let's not make a scene
Before they pull up
the paddy wagon.
All: ross! Ross! Ross!
Uh oh, busted for desecration
of the flag?
Well, i talked to the cops, and
they let me off with a warning.
Apparently, it's still
illegal to rock out
With your cock out
in this country.
- Jeff ross!
- Next stop, minneapolis.
Every day's
another adventure, you know?
You pass through places
that you've never been,
And you pass through places
that you have been.
So there's always
all kinds of different emotions
Every single day.
When i was 17, i had sex
with somebody named kayla,
And she tracked me down
through my website
And said she wanted to
come say hi,
So i think she'll be there,
Which is, uh, cool
and weird, and, uh,
I guess kind of funny.
I know you guys
can take a joke,
And i'm sorry
that the, uh, vikings
Aren't in
the super bowl tomorrow.
That's...
I'm really sorry,
but look,
At least your wnba team
wins every fucking championship.
What are they called?
All: lynx!
The lynx?
More like missing links,
what the fuck?
They're fucking 8 feet tall,
those fucking women.
They're awesome though.
They're the only team
from minnesota
That doesn't
play like girls.
I have so much...
- i love you, jeff ross!
- Thank you, sir.
I love you too, sir.
I lost my virginity
to somebody from st. Louis park.
Are you here?
Come here,
say hi for a second.
Holy shit,
this is nuts.
Wow, you look beautiful.
- How are you doing?
- That is so crazy.
You turned out
a lot better than i did.
Wow.
You want to tell the story
of what happened?
It'll be really fun.
Is this okay
that i'm doing this?
- Does it matter?
- No.
- You got a baby!
- That would be crazy.
That would be crazy
if my, like, 20-Year-Old son
Came down those steps
right now.
It's the dude
with the beer.
Don't even fuck with me
right now.
Too soon, too soon.
The way i remember it,
you said to your friend sue,
"I want to lose my virginity,
and that guy jeff
"Just happened to be
over at your house,
So i'm gonna fuck
that guy tonight."
I was just some fat loser
with braces.
No, no,
you were cute back then.
You had a mission,
and i happened to be the lucky,
Very lucky guy
Who got to put his 17-Year-Old,
3-Inch penis
Inside your foot-Long-Deep,
18-Year-Old,
Sweet, super-Tight,
delicious...
You know, it's, like,
your first time,
And it's always very awkward,
but i remember it, in the end,
Like, very beautiful,
and a very fond memory
Of having sex with you
for 15 seconds
In sue arbetter's
parents'...
- Parents' bed.
- Bed.
Which begs
the obvious question,
What are you doing tonight?
That was so awesome.
Thank you, kayla.
Wow, what the heck
just happened?
Have you guys been watching
that aids documentary on fox?
All: no.
I think it's called glee.
I hope those kids are okay,
that's all i'm saying.
By the time i got to wisconsin,
i was in full roast mode.
Madison, holy shit,
you people are fat.
No offense.
What do you put in the water?
Cholesterol?
I lost my virginity
from someone from minnesota.
I motorboated a dude today.
It was crazy.
You are fat, wisconsin.
Look at me.
This is so crazy,
what are you?
Come here a second.
Look at that!
Wait, there's another one!
Oh, my god,
come up here, fellas.
Let's fucking turn this into
ernest goes to a comedy show.
I would love to see you guys
fuck each other,
Like cousins do,
wisconsin style.
Let's put the "sin"
in wisconsin.
Are you guys related or married,
or what's the story?
- No.
You don't even
know each other?
- Nope.
- How can two guys be so similar
And not even
know each other?
What's your name, sir?
- Paul.
- Paul.
And, uh?
- Leif.
- "Leave"?
Like "get the fuck
out of here"?
And look at this.
How you doing, baby?
Come here a second.
- Oh.
If you had to fuck
one of these...
Escaped prison inmate...
I don't even know
what these are.
How do you feel about having
the exact same hair on your face
As i have on my balls?
Are you okay with that?
- Yep.
I didn't even see this.
What do your knuckles say?
Come here a second.
- "The truth."
- What's that?
- "The truth."
The truth?
The truth?
- You can't handle the truth.
- No, i can handle the truth.
It's you...I don't know
if you can handle the truth
Because the truth is
you need a fucking bath.
Let me tell you something.
You guys have a great walk
back to the woods.
- Thank you.
- All right?
Tell mom and dad
and cousins all i said hi.
Being on the road
can be lonely.
All right,
now show your heinie.
Whoo!
So by the time
i got to vegas...
- Hey, jeff!
- I was ready to bang anybody.
I'd like to double down
on those right now, whoo!
I'm all-In.
I love coming to vegas, man.
I wanted to stay
at new york, new york,
But it was too expensive,
So i stayed
at newark, newark.
There's a guy taking a shit
in the lobby.
I like when you fly in,
you see the luxor.
You see that fucking...
That bat-Light
for fucking hookers going.
The tramp lamp.
You know you're in vegas
when you see that shit,
Right, honey-Tits?
I went to
the david copperfield show.
That was incredible.
He did his best trick ever.
He made criss angel disappear.
Wha-Ha! Gone!
I want
your shoes, bitch!
I want
your shoes, bitch.
I want my balls
in your mouth, bitch.
It's friday night
in vegas.
This is a song that my dad
used to play for me
Right before he used to
stick his pinkie in my asshole.
That's the only part i know.
I used to pass out
right after that part.
I remember the lyrics.
The lyrics were...
"Shh."
I know it's march madness.
We must have some sports fans
in this weekend.
I'm more of
a football fan myself.
I love football.
Too soon for the penn state
sex scandal jokes?
All: no!
In honor of the recent death
of coach joe paterno,
I think we should all
take 12 years of silence.
Hey, i don't know if
i want to live in a country
Where a coach
can't wash his players' legs
After a workout.
Let's not forget
who the real victims are,
The guys who work as janitors
in the penn state locker room.
Hey, i care, people.
I read the fucking
ten-Page indictment.
I twice.
I had to put it down.
We lost two great comedians
from the roast world last year,
Patrice o'neal
and greg giraldo.
If you know those guys,
show 'em some love.
If you don't know 'em,
look 'em up, buy their stuff.
It's worth it,
i promise.
You know,
when comedians lose people,
We feel pain
more than most people.
That's our trade, pain.
It was so sad
when my favorite rapper,
Right here in vegas,
tupac, was murdered.
I guess now his name would make
more sense backwards, right?
Caput.
For years,
i thought tupac shakur
Was a jewish holiday.
"What are you doing
for tupac shakur?"
"I don't know,
is that the one
Where you don't eat
for 24 hours?"
"I think it's the one
where you get shot in the face
In las vegas."
"Oh, okay."
In honor of my dad,
joe paterno, steve jobs,
Tupac, greg, and patrice,
Roast in peace.
Look at these
people.
Right?
- That's my daughter, yeah.
How long have you guys
been related?
- 23 years.
- "Twenty-Twee" years?
- "Twenty-Twee," yeah.
- Jesus.
- I'm from boston.
- He's from boston!
Your fucking breath
smells like her pussy,
That's all i know.
- Yeah, right.
Don't get smart standing
where you are, motherfucker.
okay, there, uh...
Were you crosby,
stills, or nash?
I never get...
Wow, man,
i can't wait till we...
Well, you're better looking
on fucking tv, i know that.
Thank you,
you're very ugly in person,
Just for the record.
- Thank you.
Wow, and who the fuck
is this?
I'm the one
that's been yelling at you
All fucking night.
Wow, way to go,
you fucking cunt.
- Whoo!
How did she get up here
after all that?
What the fuck
is wrong with you guys?
- Give me your shoe, baby.
- Shh shh shh.
Why is this
fucking drunk person up here?
Someone...
Thank you, thank you.
- Good job, jeffrey.
- Okay, thank you.
You guys are very disgusting.
- you.
- Wow.
Oh, my god.
I heard
you like older women.
Oh, my god.
What's your name?
Bea arthur.
I'll do the jokes,
gladys, okay?
Wow, you are f...
I want you to know,
that's my daughter.
Oh, my god, we got
the whole fucking cast
Of the golden girls
here today.
Don't knock it
till you've tried it.
- What's that?
Don't knock it
till you've tried it.
I'll fucking try the knockers
any time you let me.
I live in vegas,
and these are real.
- Wow.
I gotta jerk off
right now.
Oh, my god,
you are the sexiest stripper
I've ever seen.
Wow, look at you.
Who does your hair,
the joker?
You are gonna
get it tonight.
Don't leave.
Don't leave, darling.
From your mouth
to god's ears.
- What's that?
From your mouth
to god's ears.
- Wow.
From your mouth to my dick,
here we go.
Whoo! Ow!
I got hit!
Did you catch that?
Seven shows in a row!
- I saw, i saw.
Thank you.
Why are you still up here?
- 'Cause i love you.
Look at this, we got...
The verizon guy's here tonight.
Sir, come here a second.
How you doing?
Let's just get you
out of the way,
'Cause you look
creepy as shit.
What's your name?
- Mark.
- Mark?
Why do you have to drink
while you're onstage?
You're on fucking camera
right now, why would you...?
Is this comedy central
right now?
No, it's the fucking
history channel.
What do you think it is?
What's your name, darling?
- Alice.
- Give it up for alice
For being an amazing sport.
Sexy and beautiful
and cool as hell.
- Come on, cousin jeff,
Let's shoot us
some bis-Keets!
Pull!
Both: oh!
- That's awesome.
- Perfect.
Oh!
- Die, heckler.
My last stop was nashville.
I figured i'd head in
a couple days early
To hang out with
my crazy cousin john rich.
- Welcome to tennessee, cousin.
- Whoo-Hoo!
- Whoo, doggies!
Wait, we're not
really cousins, are we?
- Probably not.
If there's one thing
i learned about the south,
They treat everybody
like family.
What's up? What's up?
Hoo! Yeah!
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Whoo! Hot diggity
whoo-Hoo-Ha!
These boots were made
for roasting, motherfuckers.
Wow, what a shithole.
I want to see
if people from nashville
Have a good sense of humor,
that's my goal.
I know you have
a high liquor tolerance.
What's that?
- I need another cocktail.
- Holy shit.
I never heard anybody
slur and stutter
At the same time.
Wow.
Yeah!
- Get her a reality show.
Look at this fucking
country snooki over here.
What's up?
You really want to
come up here already?
- Yeah.
- climbing over shit.
bring me down, baby.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, my god,
i'm gonna get some purell.
What do you think
i'm gonna do?
Help.
No, not really.
I got this.
- Bring it.
- I got this.
- Bring it.
- What's your story, baby?
- I don't know yet.
Oh, my god, is your pinkie
in my asshole right now?
I'm supposed to be...
I'm supposed to be at home.
- You're supposed to be at home?
- Yeah.
But they, uh,
they repossessed it?
- Maybe.
Maybe, i don't know.
What do you want?
My wallet back,
for starters.
- Yeah.
shut up.
Whoo.
- Look at you.
I didn't know they paid hookers
by the pound around here.
That's sweet.
- Oh!
- I'm not that fat.
- No...
Yeah, you are, come on.
Let's face it.
- Uh...
I did not expect the show
to start out like this.
Dis me, dis me.
Let's do this.
All right, i got a great idea.
If you can stand still for...
- I will.
- For ten...Move into the light...
For five seconds,
all right?
No, turn around,
turn around, turn around.
No, no, face me.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Okay.
You're ready to go,
aren't you?
You'd let me fuck you
on this keyboard, wouldn't you?
Hold on a second, hold on
a second, hold on a second.
What's your name?
- Pam.
- Okay, hold on.
I just want to say...
That i've always loved...
- Actually...
- Shh, shh, shh.
- That's our food, actually.
I love you.
I've loved you
Since the beginning
of this show.
And with this onion ring,
i thee wed.
Will you marry me, pam?
- Yeah!
- Thank you.
- Yay!
- Wow.
- Yay!
Thank you
for the ebola virus.
Give her
a round of applause.
Be careful, pam.
You're a good sport.
Oh, my god,
I'm getting the whole
fucking thing right here.
Wow, you have
the tits of an angel
And the ass of a plumber.
Baby jesus.
Life is short,
make as much love as possible.
I mean,
i read a crazy article
In the new york times
science section.
Some of you
may have seen this.
Some medical researchers
think that blow jobs
Could potentially
cause cancer.
Don't panic, lady.
It's not proven yet.
Some doctors think
that there could be a virus
In the man's semen that,
if it gets in your throat,
Could cause cancer.
They haven't proved it yet.
We'll know when that's proven
'Cause that'll be
the biggest story in history.
Our top story tonight, blow jobs
cause canc...Wait, hold on.
We found a cure
for blow job cancer.
Whew!
Sorry, breast cancer,
You'll have to wait
a little longer.
Doctors had an emergency.
I repeat, blow jobs
do not cause cancer.
That would be tough news
to swallow.
Back to you, katie.
Thanks, bob.
In other news,
jeff ross is in town.
No, i don't know
if i'm a good lover.
I'm good at the...
The build-Up, you know?
The...The ramp-Up.
The preproduction.
The, you know,
the foreplay.
When it comes down to the...
I'm gone in 60 seconds.
I told my girlfriend
we need a system, you know?
Keep me from having
an orgasm so fast.
I said, "what if you
just, like, whisper...
"If we had a code word
that you just whispered
"That would make me, like,
flip the switch in my head
And not...
And just last longer."
She says, "well, what do you
want your code word to be?"
And i didn't think
about it, you know?
I just thought of
the worst thing ever
That came to my mind.
I said, "i don't know,
just say, uh,
Just say 'holocaust.'"
Couple mornings later,
we're making love, and...
Nothing better
than some morning love,
And we're having
some grits and bagels.
And we're making love,
and it's just beautiful,
And she's so beautiful,
i'm about to explode.
And suddenly, she whispers
in my ear, she says,
"I can't believe those poor
6 million jews who died
In the concentration camp
at auschwitz."
I was like, "what the fuck
are you talking about?
I don't want a wikipedia
printout right now."
Then i came on her tits
and killed
Another 6 million jews.
Too soon?
Never too soon.
All right, nashville,
let's finish this up
With a poem.
Yeah!
Fuck yeah!
This is awesome!
This is megan mullins,
an amazing, amazing musician.
John rich, one of
the top songwriters in history.
I tried to find
a cowboy hat to fit you.
- I looked all day.
I found a couple
that would fit your head,
But none of 'em
covered up your face,
So i decided
not to buy any of 'em.
- Wow, i love that.
Today, we were
shooting guns, and...
And it occurred to me that
you thought a 9-Millimeter
Was a big gun.
But then
it also occurred to me
That you measure your dick
by centimeters.
Thank you so much
for roasting the roastmaster.
Big & rich.
Save a horse.
How about save my eardrums,
write a new song?
Huh.
I love you so much.
John rich has done
for country music
What flavor flav has done
for country music.
Wow.
Music city.
If you're with somebody
you care about,
You might want to
join hands.
This is a love poem.
It's called
baby, move over.
"Baby, move over.
I'm on the wet spot."
"Fuck you, baby.
You move over.
It's your wet spot."
"Fuck you, baby.
It's our wet spot."
"I'm sleeping
on the couch."
"All right,
well, nice meeting you."
Thank you so much, everybody.
I love you guys so, so much.
I just want to say, uh,
I've been in so many cities
on this tour,
And i have learned so much.
Americans everywhere i go
have a great sense of humor,
Especially about themselves.
So thank you all
for being great sports.
I'll see you again soon,
but not too soon.
I love you so much.
Thank you.
Bye, everybody.
Bye, everybody.
Thank you.
Enough with
the bread already.
- What's your name?
- Courtney.
Courtney. I gotta just jerk off
for a second.
I gotta jerk off.
Hold on.
I gotta jerk off
right now.
This is
the best job ever.