Jermaine Fowler: Give Em Hell Kid (2015) Movie Script
Good evening, everyone.
It is cold outside,
but it's warm in here.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
All right, now.
Bass music
And I would like to introduce
to you my grandson...
Jermaine Fowler.
Yeah!
- Hey, what's up, y'all?
- How y'all doing?
That's my grandmother.
Y'all ain't clap
until she said "my grandson."
Y'all like, "Who the fuck
is that motherfucker on stage?"
That's my grandmother.
I was raised in Hyattsville, Maryland.
No.
No, this joke ain't about
how nice Hyattsville is
or some shit.
Don't fake, that shit sucks ass.
I hated it, and that's why I moved.
"Yeah!
No."
I was raised in a house
where I had to say,
"Yes, ma'am," and, "No, ma'am,"
and be polite
to human beings, right?
And I moved to New York,
and everybody thought I was a bitch
'cause I was too nice.
This one day, I held
this door for this lady.
I was like, "Oh, here you go,
there you go."
She goes, "Oh, thank you, baby.
Thank you so much."
I was like, "You're welcome, ma'am,"
She goes, "What?
What'd you call me?
What'd you just call me?"
I was like,
"I called you ma'am."
"Do I look old to you?
Do I look old?"
I'm like, "A little bit.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
That's why I did it,
you don't look healthy.
You think I held a door
'cause I'm trying to fuck?
I ain't trying to fuck you."
I was mad.
I don't like when people
question my manners
and my chivalry, so after that,
I was like, "Nah,
I ain't gonna do it again,
she fucked it up for everybody.
No, never, not gonna be
chivalrous anymore.
She fucked it up for everybody.
No, I ain't gonna do it."
And then something changed my mind.
I was on this bus,
and it was rush hour, right?
So I was standing up
holding the handrail,
and this old lady
hops in this bus after me.
She couldn't get a seat either,
so she was standing
next to me holding the handrail,
and the bus drives
for a few blocks
until it just stopped abruptly,
and the bus driver yelled out,
"No! No!
Nah, not on my bus, no!
That lady is too old
to be standing up, okay?
She too old.
Look at her!
She old!
This bus ain't moving till
that old bitch get a seat.
It ain't moving!"
And that was the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my entire life.
It was, 'cause he was a asshole,
but his heart was in the right place.
You know what I mean?
He meant well.
And the old lady was nice about it.
She was like, "No, it's okay.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's fine.
I live two blocks away.
Just go ahead and drive the bus.
Just go ahead
and drive the bus."
And he was like, "Shut up!
'Cause you old!
I'm trying to help your old ass
out 'cause you're old.
Now, I'd give you my seat,
but I'm driving the bus."
And that's where chivalry
is right now, it's not dead.
You just got to ride a bus
more often, ladies.
You just got to ride a bus.
You might fall in love with a bus...
You might fuck a bus driver, who knows?
And what's wrong with fucking
a bus driver, hmm, hmm?
He probably got
strong forearms from driving.
Who knows?
I imagine a bus driver would, like,
fuck the same way he drives
the bus for some reason.
He's like, "Next stop, anal,"
and he rings the bell
on top of the ceiling.
He's like, "Yeah.
I got all that installed
earlier this weekend
for that ass.
For that ass."
That's the anal bell.
I think most men
who've been mean to women
have just been hurt by 'em.
Heartbroken.
Aw, it got quiet, didn't it?
It got quiet.
It's the truth.
I did a show on Brooklyn one night,
and I walked down the sidewalk,
and I walked past
a Little Caesars, and this little boy
jumped out of Little Caesars
with a box of pizzas like,
"I got the pizza,
I'ma eat pizza," happy as hell,
and he hopped on his bike
and is riding away
with the pizza on the bike,
and out of nowhere,
this little girl jumped
on the back pegs of his bike
and he lost control of the bike,
fell on the ground,
and there was some blood everywhere,
and the girl just goes, "Ooh!"
and took the pizza
and ran away with the pizza.
That's what happened.
That's what happened!
And at that moment, this dude
I've never met ever in my life
looked at me right in my eyes
and said, "Damn."
"Mm, mm-mm-mm.
That little boy never gonna
trust women ever again.
Ever, ever again."
And it's probably the truth.
Right there, I saw the birth
of the most misogynistic rapper
of all time.
It's like every song is,
"Don't trust bitches!
All they want is your pizza.
Don't trust bitches!
All they want is your pizza."
That's every song, and nobody know why.
Don't nobody know
why he rapping like that.
"You got pizza on about every album.
Like, damn, man.
I dance to it, but I don't
know why I'm dancing.
I like pizza, but damn."
Hi, lady, you look very understanding.
Like, you look like you probably
a open-minded and open...
You have a open heart.
I got a quick question.
Do you think...
Do you think blind people
deserve the same rights
as people with sight?
I'm not gonna make fun
of you for your answer.
I just need to know.
I need to know what
the gauge is for people.
You think so?
Oh, that's sweet.
All right. You do too?
Who gives a shit?
Oh, okay, well,
that was aggressive as fuck.
Well, for y'all who didn't hear,
I asked a lady, "Hey,
do you think blind people
deserve the same rights
as people with sight?"
She goes, "Who give a shit?
Like, goddamn.
I already got eyes, nigga.
Move the fuck on to the joke."
"I can see you now.
Why the fuck does blind people
got to care about other sh...
I don't."
That's mean as shit!
That was the blackest answer
I've ever heard in my entire life.
Only 'cause we just don't give a fuck.
We got our own problems to give
a fuck about blind people.
I only ask 'cause they just
passed this law in Iowa
that allows blind people
to carry guns now.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
So you still feel the same fucking way?
You still feel blind people...
Blind people the same and shit?
You had the right idea, lady.
Fuck 'em, right?
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em!
Saying, "I know he gonna do something.
I knew it. I fucking knew it,
that there was a twist to it.
Fuck, yeah. Fuck them.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck."
People are scared as shit, man.
You know what I mean?
But I think it's fine.
You know what I mean?
'Cause go ahead, you know?
Give them the gun, but, like,
why not sell 'em blank bullets?
You know, make 'em
think they murdering.
Like, give them the delusion.
Meet 'em halfway, you know what I mean?
When he's outside like, "Bam, bam, bam!
Hey, I shot you, right?
I shot you?"
"Yeah, you shot the shit
out of me, man.
Yeah, man, you shot the shit
out of my body.
I'm dying.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Ahh! So much blood in my mouth,
nigga, fuck."
I feel bad for blind people.
I was in an elevator once
and I pressed my floor,
and next to that floor... for the panel
for the floors or whatever,
there was, like, another panel
for braille for blind folks,
and I realized...
You ever seen a blind person use
the braille in an elevator?
No, never seen it?
I haven't seen it either, nigga.
I've never seen it,
and I realized why I've never seen it.
They can't find it.
They can't find the braille.
Exactly, they can't smell it.
"I think I smell some braille
around here, nigga."
They can't smell the braille.
It's just rude to not have braille
everywhere for that braille,
you know what I mean?
Should be braille... like,
clue brailles to help 'em out.
You know what I mean?
"Warmer, warmer, warmer, cold.
Shit, that's too far.
The warmer braille's where...
All right, I'm over here.
That's where I parked my car."
It's fucking rude as shit, dude.
It's not nice.
The worst thing I've ever seen,
I was walking down the street,
and I walked past this lady
with four kids, right?
And that's not the joke,
that's her life decision.
That's fine.
Behind her... behind her...
Behind her was a blind dude
with one of them walking canes, right?
And he's walking, and he starts
screaming out, "Brenda!
Hey, Brenda, you here, Brenda?
Where you at, Brenda?
Brenda!"
And she's like,
"I'm right in front of you."
"Bitch, you know I'm blind."
And I started laughing hard as shit,
'cause you know they have
that argument all the time.
Every day.
All the time.
"Brenda!
Brenda!
You in the house?
Brenda! Brenda!"
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Go get me some water, baby."
"It's in the kitchen."
"Bitch, you know I'm blind!
I can't see nothing!
I can't see shit!"
But I'm mad, 'cause, like,
most blind people
learn to use their other senses,
like smell or touch or something,
but he just screaming.
He just screaming.
Lazy as shit out in the world
and she's like, "Hey!
I'm walking down the street right now!
Anything in front of me?
Anything? I'm blind.
Well, let me know, okay?
Hey, what time of day is it?
Is it dark?
'Cause I'm sleepy.
I'm blind.
Let me know."
He had four kids.
He had four kids, and I couldn't
judge 'cause my parents had...
They had four kids,
they had four kids too.
My parents had kids
at a very young age.
How old were your parents
when they had you?
21 and 25?
That's pretty normal, all right.
My mom was 16, and my dad was 17.
That's nasty, and...
You know what's funny?
Like, society, they look down
on teenage parents all the time.
"Oh, you can't have a kid
that age, you a teenager.
You got to think about your future.
You can't do that,"
but I think those people
are just jealous 'cause they'll
never know how fun it is
to be raised by somebody
who's still being raised.
They'll never know,
and fuck 'em for it.
I go to my mom sometimes like,
"Mommy, I'm hungry."
She be like, "You hungry, baby?
Hold on.
Ma!
Hey, we hungry!
Told you I got you, man.
You know, peanut butter and jelly.
We gonna watch Martin.
It's gonna..."
They was so young,
and, you know,
because they was so young,
they had to give up a lot
for me, a lot of sacrifices.
My dad reminded every day
about 'em, every day.
It didn't matter what it was.
I had a math quiz coming up.
I was like, "Dad,
I need help with my math."
He goes, "I can't help you with
your math homework, Jermaine."
"You can't help me?"
"No, I can't help you,
Jermaine, no.
You want to know why?
'Cause I dropped out of school
to raise you, all right?
So I don't know math, all right?
I don't know algebra,
all right?"
"I'm... I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know."
"You don't care about me,
Jermaine."
"I do care, Dad."
"No, you don't.
I got a math quiz for you.
How many babies
it take to ruin somebody's life?
How many babies, Jermaine?"
"Is it one?"
"That's right, one!
One little baby!"
"All right, Dad,
that was a very easy question."
I ain't no math major, so I ain't...
Raising Jermaine was...
It was fun, interesting.
He was always into something.
He was bad.
He was strange.
But he never got really into
trouble versus practical jokes.
He wasn't a bad kid,
but he was always doing something,
whether it was jumping
out of a box in the middle
of the hallway or...
Slide down the steps on his stomach
and just all kind of crazy stuff.
In the middle
of the night I had allergies,
and so I went to go
put some Visine in my eyes,
and I put the Visine in my first eye,
and all of a sudden, I went
to put it in the second eye,
and I'm screaming, and I'm like...
It felt like rocks was in my eyes.
He sounded like a rhino.
He was... like, all this
crazy, crazy noise.
And so then, by that time, I'm pa...
I'm falling on the ground.
I'm going around in circles.
Look like a little shaggy dog,
and the ambulance come,
and they... the guy says,
"They don't like you much.
Somebody put bleach
in your eye drops."
It was funny to me, I'm sorry.
It was hilarious.
I'm sitting on the sofa,
and all of a sudden,
it's like a light came on.
The first person
I thought about was Jermaine.
I go into my son's room,
and Jerome's on the top bunk,
and he's just looking at me,
and he said, "I didn't do it."
And Jermaine's... he's laying there,
and he keeps looking up
out his eye, one eye open,
and so finally I said,
"I know it was you,"
and so I walked back
out the room, and I...
And he snickers, "Hee hee,"
and so I'm like,
"This guy put bleach
in my eye drops."
He thought Jermaine was
on the road to killing him.
He was scared of him.
That's not the worst thing
he ever told me.
I forgot to clean my room
one day, right?
I said, "Dad, can I go outside?"
He goes,
"No, your room dirty."
I was like, "I'ma clean it when
I get back outs...
When I come back,
I'll just clean it up,"
and he was like, "Jermaine,
you don't respect me, man."
"I do respect you,
I just didn't clean the room.
What is wrong with you, man?"
and he goes, "Man,
you know when you was a baby
I went to jail for you?
I went to jail for you,
Jermaine."
"Why? Why would you do
something like that, Daddy?"
"'Cause I robbed a hotel."
"Why'd you... why, Daddy,
why would you rob a hotel?"
"My babies need to eat."
I'm like, "All right, Daddy, okay.
I just found it weird you rob a hotel,
'cause like, they ain't got cash.
They don't have cash in there.
They deal with credit all day."
That means he walked inside
and was like,
"Hey, give me the money!"
"We ain't got no money."
"All right, well, give me the soap.
Something, give me something!"
That's what he said.
You know what's funny?
It's like... my dad tried to pin
it on me, like I asked for that.
He's like,
"My babies needed to eat."
I didn't ask for that.
I took my pacifier, and I was
like, "Hey, Dad, look."
These bills piling up over here, man.
They piling up, you know what I mean?
I'm hungry.
We all hungry, you know?
It's cold in here.
I mean, you ever think about,
like, robbing a hotel down the street
for your baby boy, huh?
I can help you out, man.
I made some schematics
with some crayons
and colored pencils over here.
Man, I can help.
Be lookout or something like that.
For your baby?
For your baby boy?"
They had four kids.
It was me, my little brother,
my little sister,
and I have a twin,
I have a twin named Jerome.
Okay, I... let me say
something, all right.
Jerome and I, we had a sibling
rivalry growing up, all right?
Sibling rivalry, and it was
all 'cause of our names.
Jerome was named after
my father, Jerome Sr.,
you know what I mean, which is great.
I'm all for naming your kids after you,
but why the fuck would you do it
if you have twins?
Does that make sense?
Anybody?
Does that make sense to you, ma'am?
Just a little favoritism
in there, a little?
A little fucked up?
A little fucked up?
It's rude, man.
At least name me something
more creative like Jerome 2.0,
or, like, I Can't Believe
He's Not Jerome.
Something nice.
It's rude to just give up on my name.
My mom told me this story.
She was like, "Okay,
so during the birth, Jermaine,
you was coming out first.
You was coming out first
out of the womb, all right?
But Jerome kicked you in the face
and you flipped upside down.
The cord wrapped around your neck.
You started choking,
but Jerome came out instead."
He tried to murder me, Ma!
He tried to murder me!
He tried to kill me, Ma.
Jerome came out, my dad
was like, "Ooh, we got a winner!
Jerome Jr.! Jerome Jr.!
Yeah, let's go home, y'all!"
The doctor was like, "Oh, you still got
one more baby
over here to... to be named."
"What, the dead one?"
"Nah, uh, he ain't dead.
He just ain't moving.
So you want
to name him?"
"All right, okay, well, it's 1988.
Who popular right now?"
"Michael Jackson popular."
"Oh, Okay, cool,
but what's the other Jackson
nobody give a fuck about?"
"Who, Marlin?"
"No, the greasy one!
The greasier one!"
"Oh, that's Jermaine.
That's... that's Jermaine."
I think... I think
the most annoying thing
you can ask a twin is this question.
It's like, "Oh my God,
you're twins? That's great.
So is it true that twins
feel each other's pain?
Is that true?
Is that true?"
It's not true.
Jerome and I were twins,
but we were complete opposites, man.
We're complete opposites.
For example,
Jerome liked going to jail,
and that wasn't... that wasn't my...
Like, that wasn't my scene.
That wasn't my forte.
One night Jerome went to jail,
man, that was tough on me.
I love him to death,
you know what I mean?
And, you know, I didn't feel that pain.
Wasn't like my butt started hurting.
Like, "Ooh, Jerome's in trouble,
Jerome's in trouble.
Oh. Ah.
Ah! Ah."
Butt rape, butt rape joke.
Oh, okay, he didn't get raped.
He's fine, it's fine.
Oh, this is fun.
He went to jail, man.
That was tough on me, man.
That was tough, you know what I mean?
'Cause it was kind of hard
growing up with a criminal
that kind of looks
like you, you know what I mean?
'Cause some people
confused all the time.
Like, "Hey. What's up, Rome?
You owe me some money.
Where the fuck
my money at, Jerome?"
"Oh, you must be confused.
I-I'm not Jerome.
I'm his twin brother, Jermaine.
Sup, man?"
"Oh, you think I'm fucking
stupid, don't you?
I look stupid to you?
You change your name and shit now?
This ain't Sister, Sister, nigga.
I'ma choke the shit out you.
Got time, trying to collect
some debt, nigga.
Trying to talk about some
sister shit, motherfucker."
I was... I was... I was a weird kid.
I was... I was kind of
the black sheep in the family.
I was... I think I was the first person
to go to college
in my immediate family, man.
And... oh, thanks, I-I dropped out.
What are y'all doing?
I dropped the fuck out.
I hate college, it was stupid.
Only reason I went was so I
could prove to my... you know,
my little brother like, "Hey,
man, we can go to college, man.
We can do this, man.
We can... we ain't losers,
we can do that."
But after two weeks, I was like,
"I think I proved my point.
I opened doors.
I ain't got to walk through the
doors, you know what I mean?"
It wasn't for me.
My dad scared me into going
to school all the time.
Like, if I got bad grades
in school, my dad be like,
"Jermaine, you get bad grades
in school, man? Bad grades?
I'ma show your ass
bad grades in school.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Get in the car!"
"All right,
I'll get in the car."
I got in the car,
and my dad would drive me
to the most dangerous areas of
the neighborhood, stop the car,
roll down his window
and point at crackheads,
like, "That's what happens when
you get bad grades in school.
You start doing drugs...
Doing drugs
and sucking dick, all right?
Sucking dick."
And the crackhead's like, "What
the fuck is your problem, sir?
I'm standing right here, man.
Y'all see me suck a dick?
That is a stereotype."
What a rude father.
What kind of dad tells his son
if he gets bad grades in school,
he's gonna start sucking dick?
Who the fuck does that?
A good dad,
a good dad will tell you that,
'cause I never got
bad grades in school.
I was scared as shit.
Be in class, "Hey, Jermaine,
what's six times six?"
"Uh, 36."
"Oh, good job, Jermaine.
You're doing better."
"That's right,
not sucking on no dick, man.
Yeah, not my mouth, man.
Just math in my mouth."
All of it's true.
I'm gonna say that, all of it's true.
If he told you I put him
in the car and said, "Hey,
we going over southeast.
This is what they're doing.
You don't want that," I did it.
I can't even count how many times he...
He took us, you know what I'm saying?
He'd take us around a lot
of places in the northeast,
a lot of places in southeast,
and "Your family grew up around here.
That's your uncle
right there."
I'm dead serious,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, that spooked...
Well, it spooked probably
them more than me,
'cause I still was outside...
- You was like, "Huh?"
- I was like...
Late at night, jump in the car,
and I ride around one of the
worst neighborhoods I can find.
I happen to know some people,
and I'm like,
"Look, you don't want this, you know?
They out here smoking crack,"
and as he told you,
"They out here sucking whatever,"
and I said, "You don't want
that in your mouth.
What you want in your mouth
is education.
What you want to come out
your mouth is... you know,
you want to do
the right thing, Jermaine."
I said, "You know, do you want
to be sucking all your life?"
And he looked...
He's looking at me like,
"Daddy, I don't suck..."
"I really don't care
what you suck, Jermaine,
but I'm just saying,
education," so we go back home.
He tells his mom, "Daddy said I'ma be
sucking such and such
when I get older."
She looks at me,
I said, "That's not what I said.
That's not the whole point."
It's a different... different way
of teaching your kids, I think.
It's a creative way of doing it.
I never heard of nobody father
doing that to them.
- That was creative.
- Yeah, he a creative dude.
But I never smoked no crack from
it, so I commend him for that.
Haven't touched crack
a day in my life.
Yeah, never... I ain't
sucked no dick neither.
You know what's funny?
For a long time, I thought
my dad's side of the family
was the craziest side,
but my mom's side is getting up
there right now, and...
So I have a Twitter account, right?
I'm on Twitter, and my favorite thing
about Twitter is
people beefing on Twitter.
It's my favorite thing 'cause it's just
entertaining to me, I like watching it.
And this dude
I went to high school with,
he found me on Twitter,
and he started berating me.
He goes, "Hey, I went to school
with that comedian, Jermaine Fowler.
He ain't funny."
Period. "At all!"
I was like, "God damn."
It was hilarious to me,
it was hilarious.
I took a screenshot of it
and put it on Facebook,
and it got 63 comments
all from my family members,
who are ready to fight.
They are just ready to go.
Yeah, and I'm gonna go down
a list of all the comments.
So the best comment... oh yeah, mm-hmm.
And my stepmom, she goes...
She goes, "My son is very funny.
He just mad 'cause he didn't
make it anywhere in life
but a high school stalker."
Got a bunch of likes,
got a bunch of likes.
It was a good comeback.
It was a good comeback.
Stepmom had my back.
Hot thread, hot thread.
But the best comment
came from my Aunt Kathy.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
And Aunt Kathy is...
She is just ready to go.
It was... it was amazing.
Mind you, Aunt Kathy...
Her grammar's not that good,
but she's confident.
She's very confident,
it doesn't matter.
And she does it in all caps,
but the words go...
She didn't proofread this, by the way.
This is great, she just hit enter
and said, "I'm done,"
and just walked away.
"I did my job," and walked away.
Aunt Kathy goes... and this is
how she talks, by the way.
She goes,
"Wow. OMG.
Don't hate in my nephew 'cause
he made it and follow his dream.
What you doing with yourself?
Oh, I forgot.
Hatting on someone else dream.
You a hatter."
She spelled hating with two Ts,
two letter Ts,
which is incorrect, but it don't matter
'cause she got my back.
She's so confident.
And she goes,
"Let me tell you something.
Jamaine is doing his thing."
And she spells "Jamaine" J-A-M-A-I-N-E.
That's not how you spell
my fucking name.
That's my mother's sister.
She should know how
to spell my name by now.
"Jamaine is doing his thing,"
and she goes,
"You're just sitting around
getting your dick hard
on his jokes."
I don't know what that means.
I'm trying to figure it out
still, and I looked it up,
and I don't know
what that means at all,
but it don't matter.
She confident.
She goes, "'Cause he us very funny.
He us very funny."
She spelled... she spelled "is"
U-S twice...
And she keeps going.
This how she dismounts.
She goes... she goes,
"Continue jacking off
and hatting while my nephew
focus on his career.
If I catch you in Maryland,
I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Do you know how big Maryland is?
Do you know how big Maryland is?
It don't matter where you are.
"Where you at now?"
I say, "I'm in Bethesda."
"I'ma find your bitch ass,
motherfucker!"
That's what she said.
These... these phones have spell check.
That means she went back
and corrected spell check.
"I know how to spell
hatting, motherfucker.
Fuck you, suck my dick."
That's what she said.
When I see somebody
write something
on Facebook about Jermaine
that I feel is negative,
yeah, I get a kick
out of replying back,
'cause I know sometimes I may misspell
because my mind is moving
quicker than my hands are,
and then Jermaine,
he would just pick it up.
"Auntie, no.
You wrote... this is not what...
I know what you mean,
but let me correct this."
So yeah.
People probably judging
right now about the family.
Shit's fine, judge all you want.
There's some good things going on.
Jamal had a baby not too long ago.
My little brother had a... Jamal.
Jamal, he had a baby not too
long ago, which is dope.
I'm an uncle, yeah.
That's great, you know what I mean?
But growing up, I was very skeptical
about Jamal being a dad,
'cause when we were kids,
Jamal used to be in special education.
Yeah, it's the truth.
The whole family thought
Jamal was mentally challenged
'cause he would say words
like spaghetti like "bagebi,"
and that's not a word,
and my mom was very concerned.
My mom was like, "Oh my God.
Okay, Jamal, I'm sorry,
but I got to enroll you
in special needs at the school.
I got to put you in special ed
at the school, I'm sorry."
And Jamal hated being in special ed.
He's like, "But why?
I'm just special like you.
I mean, I'm not special."
And my mom was like, "Ooh, baby.
You are very special, you are special.
To me, your father, and society.
I'm sorry... look, I'm sorry.
Eat your Jell-O cakes.
Eat the Jell-O."
And don't feel bad, y'all.
I know it's a tough pill
to swallow, but don't feel bad,
'cause this is when
everything changed, right?
So one morning, my mom took
Jamal to the dentist, right?
Normal checkup.
Now, at the checkup,
the dentist tells my mom,
"Hey, Mrs. Fowler,
is that you?
Great, great, okay,
so the checkup's over.
Can you come back here please?
Awesome.
So it seems your son Jamal here
has a few cavities in his teeth,
which is normal,
but more importantly,
did you know that Jamal
has an enlarged tongue?"
"You gonna have to back up.
What'd you say?
What'd you just say to me?"
"I'll back up.
Okay, so your son has a tongue
that's bigger than usual, all right?
So it makes him talk different."
"Oh my God, oh my God."
'Cause apparently, Jamal was not
mentally challenged.
He just talked funny,
that's all it was.
So Jamal came back home
from surgery like,
"I told you motherfuckers
I wasn't special!
I wasn't!
My tongue was fat
this whole fucking time.
The whole time.
Fuck is wrong with y'all?"
My mom was like,
"Jamal, calm down."
"Shut up, bitch!
I want spaghetti right now.
Suck a dick."
He was so mad.
He was an angry boy.
He was an angry little boy.
Been misdiagnosed,
so I'm like, misdiagnosed.
Misdiagnosed.
They treat it wrong.
The worst part about the joke
is Jamal's been in special ed
from kindergarten until ninth grade.
It's so fucked up.
It's so fucked up,
and he hasn't gotten
the right education
so technically,
he is mentally challenged.
Like, he just is.
He ain't learned right.
He ain't been learning.
He's been drawing with crayons
and eating muffins,
and I ain't saying
muffins ain't delicious,
but you can't learn on a muffin.
They got to be blueberry or some shit.
The joke's on YouTube,
and Jamal hates the shit.
Yeah, my mom taped it.
My mom was like, "Hey,
Jermaine, can you take the joke
down off YouTube,
'cause Jamal not too happy."
And I was like, "All right,
well, how's Jamal doing?"
"Oh, Jamal's good,
Jamal got a new job."
I was like, "What?
Where's Jamal working at?"
She goes,
"Oh, Jamal's a teacher."
I said, "Jamal's a teacher?"
She goes, "Yeah."
I said,
"Where's Jamal teaching?"
And she goes, "Oh, Jamal's
teaching special needs kids
at the school down the street."
I said, "What the fuck?"
And I was just so spellbound
because, like,
I just imagined him in a class
like, "Hey, y'all.
Look, it's all in your heads,
it's all in your heads.
Check your tongues.
Check your tongues, man.
Muffins for everybody!"
That's the whole curriculum.
"It's all a conspiracy.
You ain't special.
It's just your tongue."
I mean, I kind of
hate the fat tongue story.
I mean, it's a fun story
though, a funny story.
Me, Grandma, and Ma
had went to the dentist,
and they had to clip the little
thing under my tongue.
They had to clip that.
I-I think I cried,
like, the whole way home.
My grandmother
was like, "You okay, Mal?"
I said, "No,
they cut my tongue."
Like, "Look at me."
And she... she said,
"You want to go get my gun,
so we can go handle that?"
I said, "Hey, yeah, let's go."
All right, he talked with a lisp.
His tongue was really, really big,
and he was strange too
when he was a baby,
but that could've been
because of Jermaine.
The first day I brought his
brother home, he smacked him.
I showed him and said,
"Look at your little brother."
He smacked him.
So that could be why Jamal
is just a little special.
- So I moved...
- I moved from D.C.
to New York in 2008, right?
And it was dope, it was pretty dope.
I missed my friends a lot, man,
missed them a lot,
and mostly I missed
playing pranks on 'em and shit.
I missed playing pranks on my friends.
The worst prank I've ever done was...
It's fucked up and shit.
When I was 19, I was driving
back from a show in D.C.
My buddy Will was driving, right?
And Will's a comedian.
He's also a white dude, right?
So the car stops at a red light,
and I see a group of black dudes
about to cross the street,
so I was like, "Oh, shit.
This is gonna be hilarious.
So I rolled the window down,
and I yelled out,
"Hey, cross the street faster,
you coons!"
And I ducked my head.
I ducked my head.
Why ain't y'all laughing?
This was perfect,
'cause I could hear the dudes,
like, "Hey, get the fuck
out the car, man."
And I was like, "Ooh,
they gonna kill you, Will.
They gonna kill you, Will."
Will was like,
"Why you say that shit, man?"
So I'm dying laughing down
at the bottom of the seat.
So some time passed.
I thought the dudes
already walked away,
so I peeked my head back up,
but they was still in the middle
of the street,
and one of the dudes looked
at me like, "What? Ew."
'Cause it looked like I was
sucking this racist dude's dick.
That's what it looked like,
and his eyes...
"Oh, this... them niggas progressive.
"That's his life decision,
I guess, but whatever, right?
I guess
I got to support it."
Do you forgive me?
- Forgive you?
- For what?
The, um, time we were
in the car in D.C. and...
Oh, and you almost got me killed?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was... yeah.
I think I forgive you.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Being out there just...
- Mm-hmm.
With my dick in the wind like that...
- See?
- Yeah. That was... that was fun.
It was 10:00 at night.
It was like 1:00
in the morning.
- It was 1:00 in the morning?
- It was late. It was late.
And those dudes that were out,
they weren't out to just be happy.
No, they... they weren't
on their way to church.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They were...
- They wanted to do something bad.
- Yeah.
'Cause you have a wholesome face.
Yeah, I do. I have a...
It lulls people into
a false sense of security.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like sitcom dad face.
- Sure.
- And it was like when...
When they saw you
say that, "This dude?"
"Oh my God."
They weren't mad that you said it.
They were mad that...
They thought you were nice.
We... all my friends,
we all had a job at Quizno's.
We always hung out there.
We always hung out at Quizno's, man.
It was dope.
Where you work at, man?
- University? Oh, dope.
- Do you like it?
What's the worst job you've ever had?
Cropping tobacco in North
Carolina? That's slavery, man.
That's... what are you talking about?
That's... that's basically slavery.
- Did you time travel, nigga?
- Why you here?
"Hey, I'm gonna see
a good-time show today.
Hey, Bobo.
We made a time machine.
Let's go and tease
the improv."
That's dope, man.
I respect that.
My job I hate...
Most of my jobs I hated working, man.
Quizno's, I hated working there
'cause we got robbed every night.
Like, we got stuck up every night,
and the thing is, we think a coworker
was robbing us and shit.
Think a coworker was doing it,
'cause usually when a thief
breaks into a store,
they fucking break in the store
with a rock, you know?
Through a window.
They sneak through the back
or some shit like that,
but you can't have your own
set of keys to get inside
the store, man.
And this dude ran in with a ski
mask and a gun like, "Hey!
Give me all the money
in the register, Jermaine!"
I'm like,
"How you know my name, man?"
So I just gave it all to him.
"Just take the money.
Just take the money, man."
He was like,
"This is all we made today?"
And he walked away.
"That's it?"
And before he left,
he clocked out.
It was fucking weird.
I was like, "Man,
you just can't do all that."
I hated that job.
It was a late robbery.
Um...got robbed.
Got robbed, man.
My buddy Joe, he's the one
who got me the job, man.
Joe was like, "Man, fuck.
I hate Quizno's, man.
Fucking hate Quizno's, dog.
I'ma quit this shit, man."
"So you really gonna quit?"
"Probably not. But I hate it
though."
I said,
"What you want to do, man?"
He goes, "You know what?
Let's just steal
all the meat."
What kind of solution is that?
"I don't know, but it's funny."
I was like, "All right.
I'm going with you, dude.
I'm going with you."
So Joe and I, we staked out Quizno's
for like three hours, right?
And we saw that our manager,
Mr. Ross,
was locking the store up, right?
And he had a box in his hand.
So Mr. Ross ran to his car
in the parking lot,
put the box in the car,
and closed the car door up.
Ran across the street
to his house, right?
And me and Joe was like,
"Showtime. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go."
We ran inside Quizno's,
and we stole fucking everything, man.
We stole some meat, some cheese.
Some drinks, some chips, right?
And I was gonna
take all that and put it
inside Joe's backpack,
but it wouldn't fit.
I said, "Joe,
what's in your backpack?"
He goes, "Oh, I forgot.
I got spray paint too,
nigga."
I was like, "Dude, you just
said... you just said get meat.
Why we... why you got
spray paint, man?"
"I'm about to spray paint
Mr. Ross's car, dog."
And I was like, "Come on, man,
that's enough, shut up."
Joe goes to Mr. Ross's car,
and I swear to God,
Joe decides to spray paint "KKK"
on Mr. Ross's car.
Joe was black, by the way.
I said, "Why'd you do that?"
"It's gonna throw him off, nigga.
It's gonna throw him off."
I was like, "Oh!
You a little genius,
ain't you?"
So that night, we went back home
to... you know, ate some Quizno's.
It was disgusting. We didn't
have a toaster, so whatever.
We just microwaved bread and meat.
It was moldy ass looking shit.
"It ain't the same, but it's fine.
We did something today."
The next day, we had to go back to work
like nothing happened,
right, or, you know,
we would've got caught, right?
So we clocked in, walked inside.
It was messy as shit 'cause
we robbed all that shit, right?
And so I heard somebody
crying in the back.
I was like,
"Who is crying right now?"
And I go in the back,
and it's Mr. Ross.
He's crying his ass off.
He's like, "Aah!
Ah, God! God, why?
Why, God? Why? Why, God?
Why'd you do this to me, God?
I work hard, God.
Why, why, why?
Why, God? Why?"
And I'm like,
"Mr. Ross, you okay, man?"
He goes, "Um, no.
They got us, boys.
They got us.
They got the mayonnaise.
Chipotle mayonnaise, man."
"Boss, what are you talking about?
Who got what?"
"The Ku Klux Klan took all the meat
and the bread and the cheese,
but they left the arugula salad.
They're trying to tell us something.
Niggas need to eat better.
I don't know!
I don't know!"
I mean, I was at my first job.
Yeah, that was my first job
when I turned 16.
You could be a and you
can get a job at Quizno's.
I got you.
Trust me.
I will look out, but, um, yeah.
I got Jermaine a job there,
and he was a good worker.
It was just so funny.
He was a pretty good worker,
but, like, yeah.
I don't know what happened.
I think he got a better job,
but... oh, yeah. All right.
Thanks, man.
We used to...
We used to eat sandwiches.
1:00, just chill.
Do whatever.
Um...
I'm... I'm sure
you heard some things,
so... the meat heist.
We took some beef briskets.
I don't know, like,
the Quizno's market price of it.
We took some ham.
I took some ham, 'cause me
personally, I love ham,
but... Probably like a year
later, it kind of closed down.
Kind of thing
that was kind of my fault.
Why would I not though?
It was funny.
Like, you know, that was a good story.
That was pretty fun.
Joe's always been, like,
that type of dude who...
He wanted to get, like...
He's always been, like, a crook.
Joe's been kind of crook-ish.
He's always trying to get money
out of people, and it's amazing to me.
Like, one time... Transformers came out
a while... long time ago.
First Transformers came out,
and Joe was like, "Hey, you want
to see Transformers, Jerm?"
I was like, "Yeah,
but I ain't got no money.
"You don't need no money."
"Why?"
"I got a plan."
"What's the plan, Joe?"
"All right, so look, this the plan.
"What we gonna do, we gonna go
to the grocery store,
we gonna buy some hot dogs."
I was like,
"I'm listening."
"We gonna buy some hot dogs
"and go back home, boil them
hot dogs 'til they delicious.
"We gonna take
them delicious ass hot dogs
to the movie theater,
"and then we go to the movie theater,
"go up to that lady
who rips them tickets.
"She gonna be like, 'Ticket
please,' and we'll be like,
"We were just in there,
but we came out there
"to get them hot dogs
from your movie theater."
"She gonna be like,
'Well, go ahead, boy,'
And we gonna watch
Transformers."
And I was like, "That's
the most genius shit
"I've ever heard
in my entire life, Joe.
Let's get them hot dogs."
So we got the hot dogs,
went back home, boiled 'em,
and went to the movie theater,
and we walked in, and she was like,
"Ticket please," and we
was like, "We was in there,
but we just came outside
to get these hot dogs," and she
was like, "No, you didn't,"
and we were like, "Okay,"
and we walked away.
We didn't even try.
We didn't even try to lie at all,
and we knew she knew we
were lying because the hot dogs
in the theater,
they sell 'em with buns.
We had Wonder bread.
We got Wonder bread.
"Mm-kay.
I ain't gonna
cry about this, man."
I moved, man.
I feel bad about moving,
but it's all good.
I was excited
about moving to New York, man.
I thought when I moved to New York,
everybody was gonna be rapping,
you know, around trash cans
with fire in it for some reason.
Like, "Stay warm, nigga.
The weather's inclement," but no
one's doing trash rap, man.
I was disappointed as fuck.
I was very disappointed.
Now, I learned something, man.
Like, I was so happy
about New York, me living there,
that, like, I would just walk
around with a smile on my face,
but people saw that as a sign
of weakness and shit
so they would try
and fuck with me, right?
So this dude tried to rob
me one night, right?
Tried to rob me.
I was walking down...
I was going to CVS
to go buy some wine, right?
I was gonna go buy some wine.
It was on sale. Shut up.
This dude walked past me,
then he stopped, then
he came back and was like, "Hey,
what's up?" I was like, "Hello."
I thought he was being nice.
I thought he was being nice, right?
But he just was like,
"Yo, give me your money."
I was like, "Oh, okay.
All right, all right,"
and I went in my pocket
to get some cash, but I looked at him
and he had no weapon
so I was like, "Oh.
Never mind, man. It's all good.
Nah." He said, "Come on, man.
You already said yes."
Like, what?
"You made a verbal agreement,
nigga. You promised!"
I'm like, "What are you
talking about, man?
Like, have some respect.
Get a gun or...
He could've tickled me
and that'd be fine too.
That shit hurts,
but he ain't tickle me,
and I said no.
You know what he said?
He said, "Fine, be that way,"
and just walked away.
Just walked away. I was
like, "That was easy as shit."
I was like, "That was so fucking
easy, man."
I-I felt bad.
I felt so fucking bad, man,
so I was like, "Let
me talk to him real quick,"
and I was like, "Hey!"
And he said, "What?"
I was like, "Come back,
come back, come back."
And he came back, and he said,
"What the fuck you want, man?
What the fuck you want?" I said,
"What's wrong with you, man?
You okay?" He said, "I'm fine.
I'm all right.
Why you asking me that?"
"'Cause you robbing people,
but you not good at it.
What's wrong, man?
What's wrong, man?"
He said, "All right, shit.
Damn. All right, fuck.
All right, look, man.
My girlfriend, she got a baby,
but I ain't got no money
to feed the baby, all right?
You caught me. You got me.
You got me, all right?"
I was like, "Why didn't you just
say that in the first place?
I would've helped you out, man.
I'm a nice dude."
I would've helped him out, man,
'cause I don't want
him to go back home empty-handed
to his girlfriend, you know?
Like, "Hey, Trey.
The baby's crying.
Where the fuck's the money at?"
"Bitch,
I'm trying to get some money,
but everybody keeps saying no.
All right?
It's hard.
What you doing all day?
Shut the fuck up."
I was mad.
I was like, "You know what?
You a bitch, but you taught me
a very valuable lesson, man.
You really did." Anybody live
in a bad neighborhood?
Like, a really shitty
neighborhood? You do?
- Where you live?
- Southeast.
- South?
- Oh, shit. All right.
Man, I can't even... oh.
How long you lived there?
- 31 years.
- 31 years?
Jesus Christ.
So you just never left.
All right, damn. That sucks.
And it's still pretty bad?
- It's not gentrified yet at all?
- Still bad.
- It's still bad?
- Aw, man. That sucks ass.
All right, so this is what I learned.
You live in a bad neighborhood,
you can't walk around
looking like a victim or people
will fuck with you, right?
You know what I mean?
Don't' do that, right?
You got to walk around and try to look
as tough as the dudes on the street.
If you're not a tough person,
it don't matter.
They don't know you, you know?
Fucking pretend.
You know what I mean?
I mean, win an Oscar.
I don't give a fuck.
Just fucking try.
You know what I mean?
I learned that in Brooklyn, man.
I was walking down the street
and I saw a group of dudes
on the sidewalk, and I was like,
"All right, damn.
They gonna try to fuck
with me, man. I know that.
All right.
All right, Jermaine.
All right,
so just walk different, man."
You gotta walk different.
All right, just walk...
Walk like this.
All right, good.
All right, good.
Yeah, yeah."
"Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
That's good, man.
That's good.
Now get on the mean face.
Get on the mean face."
I was like, "Yeah, all right.
Shit, yeah.
Yeah, yeah."
And it worked.
It worked.
This dude walked up to me
like, "Yo. What's up, son?"
I was like, "What's up?
What's up?"
He was like,
"You want some weed?"
"I'm already high," and I walked away.
He was like, "Oh, it's cool.
"Don't give him no more drugs,
man. He's fucked up.
Let him walk that off."
Especially when you come and you say,
"Not only am I leaving school
but I'm going
to New York."
It was scary.
I mean, I was all...
I'm asking how is he doing,
or I'm calling.
You know, I would get calls.
You know, I would... at the time,
I was working for a law firm,
so I would send him money
most every time I got paid.
Sent him money to get a heater.
You know, he calls and says,
"Daddy, I'm sleeping in my clothes
because there's no heat
in my building."
The first thing you
want to say is "Come home."
I know if I said come home,
he wasn't coming,
so there wasn't no need
for me to say it.
"Dad, I don't have any food."
What you want to say?
"Come home."
I want to take care of my son.
But this is... this not a child.
This is a man,
and so I'm saying to myself,
um...
I guess you gotta get to a point
of knowing when to let your son go,
And, uh, I mean, that was, um...
that was hard to say,
"Okay, gotta let you go."
You know?
'Cause, um, I love my kids.
Thanks.
Bleach in my eyes.
I moved a lot when I was in New York.
I moved a lot, man. I moved
from building to building, man.
And not 'cause, like, you know,
there was
a rodent problem or, you know,
it was violent or something like that.
I moved from building
to building 'cause my...
One time, I caught my neighbor
having sex in the hallway
of their apartment building.
Like, in the hallway.
I don't think you heard me.
I-I caught my neighbor
fucking people in the hallway
of the apartment building.
We have homes in there.
Like, we have beds.
I was mad as shit,
'cause the first time
I caught him, I didn't...
I didn't hear any sex, man.
I was just walking upstairs
to check the mail.
I had the headphones
in or whatever, man.
I was like...
Got the mail, walked upstairs.
And I just caught this dude
just doggy styling this girl
in the hallway,
and the first thing I could
do was go, "Oh! Oh!
Oh! That's my bad. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't be walking home.
That's my... I'm sorry, man."
And this is how he played it off.
He was like, "No, no.
We wasn't having sex.
We was just dancing.
We was just dancing."
I was like, "Whatever you say, nigga.
All right, it's fine.
Whatever, man."
And I ran upstairs
to my apartment building,
and I locked my door.
I locked my door. I locked it.
I don't know why I locked it,
but I was just so scared he
was gonna be fucking everybody
in the building door to door
for some reason.
"Hey, how you doing?
I'm here to fix the AC."
"I ain't got an AC...
Oh, oh!"
That's what I was afraid of.
Every night, I had that nightmare.
It was a reoccurring nightmare, man.
It was scary as shit.
I was so afraid.
One night, my girlfriend came upstairs.
We were gonna watch a movie
that night, right?
So she walked upstairs. I live
on the third floor, right?
And she knocks on my door.
I was like, "Oh, what's up, Elena?
How you doing?"
And she goes, "I'm good.
I am good.
Um...okay.
Okay, um...I was...
I was just walking upstairs,
'cause you have to to get upstairs,
and I just caught your neighbor"...
"I just... I just caught
your neighbor having sex
with a girl in the hallway."
And then I was like, "You know what?
I think we should all be doing that.
You know what I mean?
Shouldn't we all be, like,
having sex in weird places
with your girlfriend or boyfriend
or something like that?
- Shut up.
- I think you should.
You fucking should.
I feel like men get
scrutinized, man, during sex,
man, 'cause we're supposed
to be, like, all, you know,
we got to control everything,
you know what I mean?
I like when the women
are in control sometimes.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes I like that.
- All right.
- I do!
Ew, auntie.
Oh, that was gross!
"That's right, baby.
It's a nice thing, and...
Your uncle always
just, you know..."
That was so nasty.
I like when a woman's in control.
Is it... does it make me less of a man
'cause sometimes I want to be
picked up during sex?
I don't know where I'd go,
but I want to be picked up.
I want to be picked up.
It looks so nice to be up.
It looks so tranquil.
I want to be up there.
How do you ask for that?
How do you ask for that?
You got to do it two ways.
You can ask for it nicely.
Like, after sex, like, "Hey, baby,
so you had fun, right?"
"Yeah, I had fun."
"Good. So...
I guess
I had a good time too."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know.
"It's just, you know, sometimes...
"I don't feel like you...
Like you really fulfill
what I need right now."
"What do you want me
to do?"
"I just want you
to pick me up sometimes."
You could do it that way.
Or you could do it really
masculine, you know what I mean?
Like, you fucking her like,
"Yeah, yeah!
"Yeah, you like that?"
"Yeah, I like that."
"Good.
Now pick me up!"
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"I ain't say shit!
"I ain't say pick me up.
Something wrong with you."
When I was... I was like, 16,
I didn't have a computer at my house.
I didn't have a computer,
so, you know, I had to watch
porn at the library.
I was at the library so much,
my parents thought I was smart.
"What a genius. Always at there.
Always over there.
Always over there."
One time, Joe from the Quizno's story,
he was like, "Jermaine, you
at the library all the time.
Man, what you doing,
studying?"
"No, I'm watching
Bang Bros, man."
And he was like,
"Yo, can I go with you?"
I was like, "Yeah."
"Yo, can Omar come?"
I was like, "Okay, let's do it.
"Whatever, man. Let's make
it a party, let's do it."
So it was me, Joe, Omar at the library
to go watch this porn, right?
And it was fun until Omar yelled out,
"Yo, this is cool and shit,
but, like, why don't we print
out the pictures too?"
And I was like, "That's dumb.
One, because the printer's
next to the librarian's desk.
He's gonna see that.
We're gonna get caught."
He goes, "I don't give a fuck,"
and he presses the print button,
And he keeps doing it, right?
And me and Joe were like,
"Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here."
And this is how we knew
Omar got caught.
The librarian yelled out, "Oh, no!
"Ooh! Ooh, why? No, no!"
'Cause they're not trained
for that situation.
They don't have a seminar for that.
They don't have like,
"Sometimes, kids come in here
to, you know,
print out pornography."
"Okay, got it.
Cool."
They don't have that for them, right?
So the librarian,
he traced the computer
back to Omar, back to Omar,
picked him up by his shirt,
took him to every floor
of the library and was like,
"This young man's a pervert!
"He nasty!
"Printing out pornography
at this library, our library.
He nasty!"
He throws him out the library
and bans him for life.
For life.
For life.
That's not a good punishment
for a little kid.
He can't read books no more?
He can't read?
If anybody needs a library,
it's that kid right there
printing out pornography
at the library, man.
That's gonna affect him
when he gets older, man.
He's gonna have kids one day.
"Hey, Dad. I got a book report.
Take me to the library
real quick."
"Nah.
"Can't go to that library, man.
They got my picture on the wall
and all that shit, man."
Would you like to go
inside the library?
- No.
- Why can't we go inside?
I can't.
When was the last time
you were in this building?
Ninth grade.
I want to point out
all these security cameras...
- Oh, crap.
- Right here,
and there's even a "All activities
monitored by camera" right here.
Oh, shit.
Which is... wasn't here
until after...you got caught.
Are you scared of your son
growing up to look like you
because of this incident?
It's a little bit too late for that.
- He already does look like me.
- He does?
I imagine your whole
family line is screwed.
- Yeah.
- From all males going down.
Even the girls who look like you
probably can't go in
'cause they'd probably think
you were wearing a wig
and trying to sneak
in or something like that.
So forgive him,
Hyattsville Public Library.
Sorry.
He's already suffered long enough.
He can't read.
Y'all watch porn together?
You and your girl?
You do?
That's awesome.
You have a favorite,
like, person y'all watch?
You watch Pinky?
Who the hell's Pinky?
- You know who Pinky is?
- No.
- Look up Pinky.
- You'll love it.
It's great.
I love porn, man.
Sometimes when I watch porn,
I like to turn it up real loud
so that my neighbors think it's
me fucking next door and shit.
Like, "God damn, he's amazing.
And he plays
saxophone too?"
All through the...
"Got a whole band in there.
"Got strings and wind instruments and...
"and a tuba?
"Is he fucking and playing
or playing and fucking?
I don't know."
One time I like in porn,
I like hearing the woman moan.
It sounds great when women moan.
You sound great.
One thing I don't like
hearing is dudes moan.
Dudes don't sound good when they moan.
Dudes sound so primal
when they have sex, man.
It's like animals. "Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!"
It's like,
I don't want to hear that. Ugh!
Black porn stars are the worst
because they're loud and narrative.
Like, they'll tell you what's happening
the entire time they're fucking.
Every time I watch a black porn star,
he's always like, "Yeah, girl.
Put your leg on your shoulder.
"Ooh, it's on my shoulder!
"Yeah, yeah!
Now, take that dick.
"Yeah!
"Yeah, I know it hurt.
I believe in you.
I believe in you.
Where you going now?
Where you going now?"
While wearing Timberland
boots and just a shirt.
Just a shirt and some sunglasses.
Like, "Why you fully
dressed right now, man?
"Can't enjoy this for ten minutes?
What's wrong with you?"
Porn is so fucked up, man.
This is why I don't like
porn most of the time.
It's the way they title the porn.
It's the way they title it.
I don't like the way they title it.
It's so fucked up,
'cause if it's a white dude
fucking a white girl, the title
will say something normal
like, "Veronica Stone
and Peter North are fucking."
Something normal like that, right?
But if it's a black dude,
it'll say, "Veronica Stone
Versus a Big Black..."
What?
Why is there a versus in that?
They agreed to do that, man.
It's not UFC over there.
Mortal Kombat.
What the fuck is wrong with y'all?
Versus.
Choose your character.
Wesley Pipes.
Wesley...Pipes.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately.
One thing I like watching right
now is Cosmos on Fox.
Comes on Sundays.
You watch it too?
You know... y'all know Cosmos...
You ever watch Cosmos?
Hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson?
- Yeah.
- Four, five.
About seven people.
All right, that's cool.
And that's the point
I'm trying to make, all right?
Neil deGrasse Tyson is a black
astrophysicist
who has a show
called Cosmos on Fox, right?
And he's not that popular.
He's not that popular.
And I wish he was because
he's a black astrophysicist
who has a show on Fox
of all fucking networks,
and no one gives a fuck who he is.
And the people I think
that should give a fuck
are black people, but niggas
don't give a fuck who he is.
"Hey, man, you know Neil
deGrasse Tyson?"
"Who?" Ugh!
It makes me so fucking mad.
It makes me so fucking mad.
'Cause he's won every
single award known to man.
Every... every fucking award,
except for one
I think he should get,
and that's a B.E.T. award.
That's a...
And I know B.E.T. only...
They commemorate singers and actors
and motherfuckers on Scandal and shit.
Whatever, but they should get
something from him.
It's Black Entertainment Television.
Get... you know what I mean?
He should get something
from 'em, man, something.
And the reason why
he hasn't got anything
is 'cause he's a nerd.
He's not cool.
He's not a cool person.
He's a fucking nerd.
You know what I mean?
He probably got picked on
a lot growing up, you know what I mean?
Like, "Hey, Neil, What you want
to be when you grow up?"
"I want to look at the stars."
"You gay!"
That's probably what happened
to Neil every day of his life,
and you know what?
I feel for him.
I feel for Neil,
man, 'cause growing up,
I was a fucking nerd, man.
I was a nerd growing up.
My mom used to buy me a microscope set
and a telescope.
- Right, Ma?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Uh...
She bought me all that shit.
She bought me... or my dad
bought me all that shit, right?
And I loved it.
I'd play with it every day, man.
I used to go in the woods
to collect bugs and shit.
I was a weird ass fucking kid.
I was a weird kid. I was weird.
I hated going to church
'cause it made me sleepy,
and I ain't like that either.
My dad hated it.
My dad would wake me up,
"Jermaine, wake up.
You can't be sleeping
in church. We look evil."
I was like, "Dad, I don't..."
I don't like Christianity, Dad.
I want to believe
in something more exciting."
So for a whole year, I believed
in Greek mythology instead.
It was so much cooler
to me, man. I was a kid.
I needed something more exciting.
So my dad hated it.
"Jermaine, you can't be
believing in Greek gods, man.
We are Christians."
"Dad, they're so much cooler.
Everybody got super powers,
man."
"Jermaine,
Jesus died for your sins."
"Well, Zeus shoots thunderbolts
out of his hand, nigga.
"That's fucking crazy.
Can Jesus do that, Daddy?
Huh? Can he?"
"Oh, you want to do that?
All right.
Well, Jesus can walk
on water."
"Poseidon owns water, nigga.
That's his thing.
That's his house."
Walks on somebody's roof like...
I was a weird kid.
- I used to like skateboarding.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, yeah, I was weird.
- I was fucking weird.
I thoroughly... I thoroughly
enjoyed skateboarding so much
that my dad was like, "You know what?
Jermaine likes skateboarding.
I'm gonna buy him this Tony
Hawk Pro Skater video game
so I can bond with my son.
I'm gonna bond with him."
So my dad bought me the game.
Played it every day.
I played it every day.
One day, my dad was like,
"Well, let me play with him.
'Cause, you know, I want to...
I want to bond with my kid."
So my dad sits down next to me.
We're playing the game.
We're playing.
I beat my dad's ass so bad in the game
he yelled out,
"You a white boy!"
And runs out the room.
Clean out the room, and I was like,
"That was your bonding moment with me?
That's how you try to bond
with me, Daddy?"
And I never liked that term.
I never liked that term.
What does that mean, man?
So, like, fast forward.
Few years later, right?
I did this audition for Russell
Simmons' The Ruckus, right?
It's a new Def Comedy Jam
for Comedy Central, right?
Mind you, Russell Simmons man,
he's done so many cool things, man.
He's on Def Comedy Jam.
Bunch of movies, man. Cool shit.
So I did the audition.
It was a big deal to me,
and I killed it.
I had a good fucking time.
The next day, my manager calls me.
He's like, "Hey, Jermaine."
I'm like, "Hey.
What's up, Avi?"
He goes, "Hey, look,
so Russell Simmons and his team
think you're hilarious."
I was like,
"Oh, did I get it?"
And he goes, "No, you didn't,
'cause unfortunately
Russell Simmons and his team
don't think you're urban
enough for the show."
I said, "What?
Russell Simmons said that?"
Russell fucking Simmons said that?
That nigga does yoga in turtlenecks.
What the fuck's he
talking about, man?"
I was so fucking mad,
'cause he has half-Asian children.
What the fuck's he talking about, man?
I thought he was
more progressive than that.
I was so fucking mad, man.
So that night, I was
on a train heading home, man.
I was mad as shit, man.
Fuck Phat Farm.
Fuck Baby Phat too, nigga.
I don't give a fuck.
I was mad, then this homeless
white lady hops on the train,
and she starts going crazy.
Yelling these racial slurs
to everybody and shit.
This Spanish dude,
"You spic!"
This Jewish dude,
"You Jew!"
She sees me and she goes,
"Nigger! You a nigger!"
And part of me was like, "What
the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Don't fucking call me that.
Why do you think like that?
Why do you fucking
think like that, man?
You so fucking racist."
But deep down I was like,
"Finally, god damn!
Oh, man!"
I mean, I hate that word,
but sometimes it's so refreshing
for somebody to see your potential.
You know what I mean?
Like... I gotta go.
Y'all been dope as fuck, man.
Thank y'all so much, man.
I really do appreciate it.
Thank you.
Peace!
Thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Daddy.
Thank you, aunties and uncles,
and all my friends who came out.
All the fans,
thank y'all so fucking much.
I really do appreciate it.
Y'all get home safely and be good.
Don't fuck a wrong cavity.
Bye.
It is cold outside,
but it's warm in here.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
All right, now.
Bass music
And I would like to introduce
to you my grandson...
Jermaine Fowler.
Yeah!
- Hey, what's up, y'all?
- How y'all doing?
That's my grandmother.
Y'all ain't clap
until she said "my grandson."
Y'all like, "Who the fuck
is that motherfucker on stage?"
That's my grandmother.
I was raised in Hyattsville, Maryland.
No.
No, this joke ain't about
how nice Hyattsville is
or some shit.
Don't fake, that shit sucks ass.
I hated it, and that's why I moved.
"Yeah!
No."
I was raised in a house
where I had to say,
"Yes, ma'am," and, "No, ma'am,"
and be polite
to human beings, right?
And I moved to New York,
and everybody thought I was a bitch
'cause I was too nice.
This one day, I held
this door for this lady.
I was like, "Oh, here you go,
there you go."
She goes, "Oh, thank you, baby.
Thank you so much."
I was like, "You're welcome, ma'am,"
She goes, "What?
What'd you call me?
What'd you just call me?"
I was like,
"I called you ma'am."
"Do I look old to you?
Do I look old?"
I'm like, "A little bit.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
That's why I did it,
you don't look healthy.
You think I held a door
'cause I'm trying to fuck?
I ain't trying to fuck you."
I was mad.
I don't like when people
question my manners
and my chivalry, so after that,
I was like, "Nah,
I ain't gonna do it again,
she fucked it up for everybody.
No, never, not gonna be
chivalrous anymore.
She fucked it up for everybody.
No, I ain't gonna do it."
And then something changed my mind.
I was on this bus,
and it was rush hour, right?
So I was standing up
holding the handrail,
and this old lady
hops in this bus after me.
She couldn't get a seat either,
so she was standing
next to me holding the handrail,
and the bus drives
for a few blocks
until it just stopped abruptly,
and the bus driver yelled out,
"No! No!
Nah, not on my bus, no!
That lady is too old
to be standing up, okay?
She too old.
Look at her!
She old!
This bus ain't moving till
that old bitch get a seat.
It ain't moving!"
And that was the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my entire life.
It was, 'cause he was a asshole,
but his heart was in the right place.
You know what I mean?
He meant well.
And the old lady was nice about it.
She was like, "No, it's okay.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's fine.
I live two blocks away.
Just go ahead and drive the bus.
Just go ahead
and drive the bus."
And he was like, "Shut up!
'Cause you old!
I'm trying to help your old ass
out 'cause you're old.
Now, I'd give you my seat,
but I'm driving the bus."
And that's where chivalry
is right now, it's not dead.
You just got to ride a bus
more often, ladies.
You just got to ride a bus.
You might fall in love with a bus...
You might fuck a bus driver, who knows?
And what's wrong with fucking
a bus driver, hmm, hmm?
He probably got
strong forearms from driving.
Who knows?
I imagine a bus driver would, like,
fuck the same way he drives
the bus for some reason.
He's like, "Next stop, anal,"
and he rings the bell
on top of the ceiling.
He's like, "Yeah.
I got all that installed
earlier this weekend
for that ass.
For that ass."
That's the anal bell.
I think most men
who've been mean to women
have just been hurt by 'em.
Heartbroken.
Aw, it got quiet, didn't it?
It got quiet.
It's the truth.
I did a show on Brooklyn one night,
and I walked down the sidewalk,
and I walked past
a Little Caesars, and this little boy
jumped out of Little Caesars
with a box of pizzas like,
"I got the pizza,
I'ma eat pizza," happy as hell,
and he hopped on his bike
and is riding away
with the pizza on the bike,
and out of nowhere,
this little girl jumped
on the back pegs of his bike
and he lost control of the bike,
fell on the ground,
and there was some blood everywhere,
and the girl just goes, "Ooh!"
and took the pizza
and ran away with the pizza.
That's what happened.
That's what happened!
And at that moment, this dude
I've never met ever in my life
looked at me right in my eyes
and said, "Damn."
"Mm, mm-mm-mm.
That little boy never gonna
trust women ever again.
Ever, ever again."
And it's probably the truth.
Right there, I saw the birth
of the most misogynistic rapper
of all time.
It's like every song is,
"Don't trust bitches!
All they want is your pizza.
Don't trust bitches!
All they want is your pizza."
That's every song, and nobody know why.
Don't nobody know
why he rapping like that.
"You got pizza on about every album.
Like, damn, man.
I dance to it, but I don't
know why I'm dancing.
I like pizza, but damn."
Hi, lady, you look very understanding.
Like, you look like you probably
a open-minded and open...
You have a open heart.
I got a quick question.
Do you think...
Do you think blind people
deserve the same rights
as people with sight?
I'm not gonna make fun
of you for your answer.
I just need to know.
I need to know what
the gauge is for people.
You think so?
Oh, that's sweet.
All right. You do too?
Who gives a shit?
Oh, okay, well,
that was aggressive as fuck.
Well, for y'all who didn't hear,
I asked a lady, "Hey,
do you think blind people
deserve the same rights
as people with sight?"
She goes, "Who give a shit?
Like, goddamn.
I already got eyes, nigga.
Move the fuck on to the joke."
"I can see you now.
Why the fuck does blind people
got to care about other sh...
I don't."
That's mean as shit!
That was the blackest answer
I've ever heard in my entire life.
Only 'cause we just don't give a fuck.
We got our own problems to give
a fuck about blind people.
I only ask 'cause they just
passed this law in Iowa
that allows blind people
to carry guns now.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
So you still feel the same fucking way?
You still feel blind people...
Blind people the same and shit?
You had the right idea, lady.
Fuck 'em, right?
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em!
Saying, "I know he gonna do something.
I knew it. I fucking knew it,
that there was a twist to it.
Fuck, yeah. Fuck them.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck."
People are scared as shit, man.
You know what I mean?
But I think it's fine.
You know what I mean?
'Cause go ahead, you know?
Give them the gun, but, like,
why not sell 'em blank bullets?
You know, make 'em
think they murdering.
Like, give them the delusion.
Meet 'em halfway, you know what I mean?
When he's outside like, "Bam, bam, bam!
Hey, I shot you, right?
I shot you?"
"Yeah, you shot the shit
out of me, man.
Yeah, man, you shot the shit
out of my body.
I'm dying.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Ahh! So much blood in my mouth,
nigga, fuck."
I feel bad for blind people.
I was in an elevator once
and I pressed my floor,
and next to that floor... for the panel
for the floors or whatever,
there was, like, another panel
for braille for blind folks,
and I realized...
You ever seen a blind person use
the braille in an elevator?
No, never seen it?
I haven't seen it either, nigga.
I've never seen it,
and I realized why I've never seen it.
They can't find it.
They can't find the braille.
Exactly, they can't smell it.
"I think I smell some braille
around here, nigga."
They can't smell the braille.
It's just rude to not have braille
everywhere for that braille,
you know what I mean?
Should be braille... like,
clue brailles to help 'em out.
You know what I mean?
"Warmer, warmer, warmer, cold.
Shit, that's too far.
The warmer braille's where...
All right, I'm over here.
That's where I parked my car."
It's fucking rude as shit, dude.
It's not nice.
The worst thing I've ever seen,
I was walking down the street,
and I walked past this lady
with four kids, right?
And that's not the joke,
that's her life decision.
That's fine.
Behind her... behind her...
Behind her was a blind dude
with one of them walking canes, right?
And he's walking, and he starts
screaming out, "Brenda!
Hey, Brenda, you here, Brenda?
Where you at, Brenda?
Brenda!"
And she's like,
"I'm right in front of you."
"Bitch, you know I'm blind."
And I started laughing hard as shit,
'cause you know they have
that argument all the time.
Every day.
All the time.
"Brenda!
Brenda!
You in the house?
Brenda! Brenda!"
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Go get me some water, baby."
"It's in the kitchen."
"Bitch, you know I'm blind!
I can't see nothing!
I can't see shit!"
But I'm mad, 'cause, like,
most blind people
learn to use their other senses,
like smell or touch or something,
but he just screaming.
He just screaming.
Lazy as shit out in the world
and she's like, "Hey!
I'm walking down the street right now!
Anything in front of me?
Anything? I'm blind.
Well, let me know, okay?
Hey, what time of day is it?
Is it dark?
'Cause I'm sleepy.
I'm blind.
Let me know."
He had four kids.
He had four kids, and I couldn't
judge 'cause my parents had...
They had four kids,
they had four kids too.
My parents had kids
at a very young age.
How old were your parents
when they had you?
21 and 25?
That's pretty normal, all right.
My mom was 16, and my dad was 17.
That's nasty, and...
You know what's funny?
Like, society, they look down
on teenage parents all the time.
"Oh, you can't have a kid
that age, you a teenager.
You got to think about your future.
You can't do that,"
but I think those people
are just jealous 'cause they'll
never know how fun it is
to be raised by somebody
who's still being raised.
They'll never know,
and fuck 'em for it.
I go to my mom sometimes like,
"Mommy, I'm hungry."
She be like, "You hungry, baby?
Hold on.
Ma!
Hey, we hungry!
Told you I got you, man.
You know, peanut butter and jelly.
We gonna watch Martin.
It's gonna..."
They was so young,
and, you know,
because they was so young,
they had to give up a lot
for me, a lot of sacrifices.
My dad reminded every day
about 'em, every day.
It didn't matter what it was.
I had a math quiz coming up.
I was like, "Dad,
I need help with my math."
He goes, "I can't help you with
your math homework, Jermaine."
"You can't help me?"
"No, I can't help you,
Jermaine, no.
You want to know why?
'Cause I dropped out of school
to raise you, all right?
So I don't know math, all right?
I don't know algebra,
all right?"
"I'm... I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know."
"You don't care about me,
Jermaine."
"I do care, Dad."
"No, you don't.
I got a math quiz for you.
How many babies
it take to ruin somebody's life?
How many babies, Jermaine?"
"Is it one?"
"That's right, one!
One little baby!"
"All right, Dad,
that was a very easy question."
I ain't no math major, so I ain't...
Raising Jermaine was...
It was fun, interesting.
He was always into something.
He was bad.
He was strange.
But he never got really into
trouble versus practical jokes.
He wasn't a bad kid,
but he was always doing something,
whether it was jumping
out of a box in the middle
of the hallway or...
Slide down the steps on his stomach
and just all kind of crazy stuff.
In the middle
of the night I had allergies,
and so I went to go
put some Visine in my eyes,
and I put the Visine in my first eye,
and all of a sudden, I went
to put it in the second eye,
and I'm screaming, and I'm like...
It felt like rocks was in my eyes.
He sounded like a rhino.
He was... like, all this
crazy, crazy noise.
And so then, by that time, I'm pa...
I'm falling on the ground.
I'm going around in circles.
Look like a little shaggy dog,
and the ambulance come,
and they... the guy says,
"They don't like you much.
Somebody put bleach
in your eye drops."
It was funny to me, I'm sorry.
It was hilarious.
I'm sitting on the sofa,
and all of a sudden,
it's like a light came on.
The first person
I thought about was Jermaine.
I go into my son's room,
and Jerome's on the top bunk,
and he's just looking at me,
and he said, "I didn't do it."
And Jermaine's... he's laying there,
and he keeps looking up
out his eye, one eye open,
and so finally I said,
"I know it was you,"
and so I walked back
out the room, and I...
And he snickers, "Hee hee,"
and so I'm like,
"This guy put bleach
in my eye drops."
He thought Jermaine was
on the road to killing him.
He was scared of him.
That's not the worst thing
he ever told me.
I forgot to clean my room
one day, right?
I said, "Dad, can I go outside?"
He goes,
"No, your room dirty."
I was like, "I'ma clean it when
I get back outs...
When I come back,
I'll just clean it up,"
and he was like, "Jermaine,
you don't respect me, man."
"I do respect you,
I just didn't clean the room.
What is wrong with you, man?"
and he goes, "Man,
you know when you was a baby
I went to jail for you?
I went to jail for you,
Jermaine."
"Why? Why would you do
something like that, Daddy?"
"'Cause I robbed a hotel."
"Why'd you... why, Daddy,
why would you rob a hotel?"
"My babies need to eat."
I'm like, "All right, Daddy, okay.
I just found it weird you rob a hotel,
'cause like, they ain't got cash.
They don't have cash in there.
They deal with credit all day."
That means he walked inside
and was like,
"Hey, give me the money!"
"We ain't got no money."
"All right, well, give me the soap.
Something, give me something!"
That's what he said.
You know what's funny?
It's like... my dad tried to pin
it on me, like I asked for that.
He's like,
"My babies needed to eat."
I didn't ask for that.
I took my pacifier, and I was
like, "Hey, Dad, look."
These bills piling up over here, man.
They piling up, you know what I mean?
I'm hungry.
We all hungry, you know?
It's cold in here.
I mean, you ever think about,
like, robbing a hotel down the street
for your baby boy, huh?
I can help you out, man.
I made some schematics
with some crayons
and colored pencils over here.
Man, I can help.
Be lookout or something like that.
For your baby?
For your baby boy?"
They had four kids.
It was me, my little brother,
my little sister,
and I have a twin,
I have a twin named Jerome.
Okay, I... let me say
something, all right.
Jerome and I, we had a sibling
rivalry growing up, all right?
Sibling rivalry, and it was
all 'cause of our names.
Jerome was named after
my father, Jerome Sr.,
you know what I mean, which is great.
I'm all for naming your kids after you,
but why the fuck would you do it
if you have twins?
Does that make sense?
Anybody?
Does that make sense to you, ma'am?
Just a little favoritism
in there, a little?
A little fucked up?
A little fucked up?
It's rude, man.
At least name me something
more creative like Jerome 2.0,
or, like, I Can't Believe
He's Not Jerome.
Something nice.
It's rude to just give up on my name.
My mom told me this story.
She was like, "Okay,
so during the birth, Jermaine,
you was coming out first.
You was coming out first
out of the womb, all right?
But Jerome kicked you in the face
and you flipped upside down.
The cord wrapped around your neck.
You started choking,
but Jerome came out instead."
He tried to murder me, Ma!
He tried to murder me!
He tried to kill me, Ma.
Jerome came out, my dad
was like, "Ooh, we got a winner!
Jerome Jr.! Jerome Jr.!
Yeah, let's go home, y'all!"
The doctor was like, "Oh, you still got
one more baby
over here to... to be named."
"What, the dead one?"
"Nah, uh, he ain't dead.
He just ain't moving.
So you want
to name him?"
"All right, okay, well, it's 1988.
Who popular right now?"
"Michael Jackson popular."
"Oh, Okay, cool,
but what's the other Jackson
nobody give a fuck about?"
"Who, Marlin?"
"No, the greasy one!
The greasier one!"
"Oh, that's Jermaine.
That's... that's Jermaine."
I think... I think
the most annoying thing
you can ask a twin is this question.
It's like, "Oh my God,
you're twins? That's great.
So is it true that twins
feel each other's pain?
Is that true?
Is that true?"
It's not true.
Jerome and I were twins,
but we were complete opposites, man.
We're complete opposites.
For example,
Jerome liked going to jail,
and that wasn't... that wasn't my...
Like, that wasn't my scene.
That wasn't my forte.
One night Jerome went to jail,
man, that was tough on me.
I love him to death,
you know what I mean?
And, you know, I didn't feel that pain.
Wasn't like my butt started hurting.
Like, "Ooh, Jerome's in trouble,
Jerome's in trouble.
Oh. Ah.
Ah! Ah."
Butt rape, butt rape joke.
Oh, okay, he didn't get raped.
He's fine, it's fine.
Oh, this is fun.
He went to jail, man.
That was tough on me, man.
That was tough, you know what I mean?
'Cause it was kind of hard
growing up with a criminal
that kind of looks
like you, you know what I mean?
'Cause some people
confused all the time.
Like, "Hey. What's up, Rome?
You owe me some money.
Where the fuck
my money at, Jerome?"
"Oh, you must be confused.
I-I'm not Jerome.
I'm his twin brother, Jermaine.
Sup, man?"
"Oh, you think I'm fucking
stupid, don't you?
I look stupid to you?
You change your name and shit now?
This ain't Sister, Sister, nigga.
I'ma choke the shit out you.
Got time, trying to collect
some debt, nigga.
Trying to talk about some
sister shit, motherfucker."
I was... I was... I was a weird kid.
I was... I was kind of
the black sheep in the family.
I was... I think I was the first person
to go to college
in my immediate family, man.
And... oh, thanks, I-I dropped out.
What are y'all doing?
I dropped the fuck out.
I hate college, it was stupid.
Only reason I went was so I
could prove to my... you know,
my little brother like, "Hey,
man, we can go to college, man.
We can do this, man.
We can... we ain't losers,
we can do that."
But after two weeks, I was like,
"I think I proved my point.
I opened doors.
I ain't got to walk through the
doors, you know what I mean?"
It wasn't for me.
My dad scared me into going
to school all the time.
Like, if I got bad grades
in school, my dad be like,
"Jermaine, you get bad grades
in school, man? Bad grades?
I'ma show your ass
bad grades in school.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Get in the car!"
"All right,
I'll get in the car."
I got in the car,
and my dad would drive me
to the most dangerous areas of
the neighborhood, stop the car,
roll down his window
and point at crackheads,
like, "That's what happens when
you get bad grades in school.
You start doing drugs...
Doing drugs
and sucking dick, all right?
Sucking dick."
And the crackhead's like, "What
the fuck is your problem, sir?
I'm standing right here, man.
Y'all see me suck a dick?
That is a stereotype."
What a rude father.
What kind of dad tells his son
if he gets bad grades in school,
he's gonna start sucking dick?
Who the fuck does that?
A good dad,
a good dad will tell you that,
'cause I never got
bad grades in school.
I was scared as shit.
Be in class, "Hey, Jermaine,
what's six times six?"
"Uh, 36."
"Oh, good job, Jermaine.
You're doing better."
"That's right,
not sucking on no dick, man.
Yeah, not my mouth, man.
Just math in my mouth."
All of it's true.
I'm gonna say that, all of it's true.
If he told you I put him
in the car and said, "Hey,
we going over southeast.
This is what they're doing.
You don't want that," I did it.
I can't even count how many times he...
He took us, you know what I'm saying?
He'd take us around a lot
of places in the northeast,
a lot of places in southeast,
and "Your family grew up around here.
That's your uncle
right there."
I'm dead serious,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, that spooked...
Well, it spooked probably
them more than me,
'cause I still was outside...
- You was like, "Huh?"
- I was like...
Late at night, jump in the car,
and I ride around one of the
worst neighborhoods I can find.
I happen to know some people,
and I'm like,
"Look, you don't want this, you know?
They out here smoking crack,"
and as he told you,
"They out here sucking whatever,"
and I said, "You don't want
that in your mouth.
What you want in your mouth
is education.
What you want to come out
your mouth is... you know,
you want to do
the right thing, Jermaine."
I said, "You know, do you want
to be sucking all your life?"
And he looked...
He's looking at me like,
"Daddy, I don't suck..."
"I really don't care
what you suck, Jermaine,
but I'm just saying,
education," so we go back home.
He tells his mom, "Daddy said I'ma be
sucking such and such
when I get older."
She looks at me,
I said, "That's not what I said.
That's not the whole point."
It's a different... different way
of teaching your kids, I think.
It's a creative way of doing it.
I never heard of nobody father
doing that to them.
- That was creative.
- Yeah, he a creative dude.
But I never smoked no crack from
it, so I commend him for that.
Haven't touched crack
a day in my life.
Yeah, never... I ain't
sucked no dick neither.
You know what's funny?
For a long time, I thought
my dad's side of the family
was the craziest side,
but my mom's side is getting up
there right now, and...
So I have a Twitter account, right?
I'm on Twitter, and my favorite thing
about Twitter is
people beefing on Twitter.
It's my favorite thing 'cause it's just
entertaining to me, I like watching it.
And this dude
I went to high school with,
he found me on Twitter,
and he started berating me.
He goes, "Hey, I went to school
with that comedian, Jermaine Fowler.
He ain't funny."
Period. "At all!"
I was like, "God damn."
It was hilarious to me,
it was hilarious.
I took a screenshot of it
and put it on Facebook,
and it got 63 comments
all from my family members,
who are ready to fight.
They are just ready to go.
Yeah, and I'm gonna go down
a list of all the comments.
So the best comment... oh yeah, mm-hmm.
And my stepmom, she goes...
She goes, "My son is very funny.
He just mad 'cause he didn't
make it anywhere in life
but a high school stalker."
Got a bunch of likes,
got a bunch of likes.
It was a good comeback.
It was a good comeback.
Stepmom had my back.
Hot thread, hot thread.
But the best comment
came from my Aunt Kathy.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
And Aunt Kathy is...
She is just ready to go.
It was... it was amazing.
Mind you, Aunt Kathy...
Her grammar's not that good,
but she's confident.
She's very confident,
it doesn't matter.
And she does it in all caps,
but the words go...
She didn't proofread this, by the way.
This is great, she just hit enter
and said, "I'm done,"
and just walked away.
"I did my job," and walked away.
Aunt Kathy goes... and this is
how she talks, by the way.
She goes,
"Wow. OMG.
Don't hate in my nephew 'cause
he made it and follow his dream.
What you doing with yourself?
Oh, I forgot.
Hatting on someone else dream.
You a hatter."
She spelled hating with two Ts,
two letter Ts,
which is incorrect, but it don't matter
'cause she got my back.
She's so confident.
And she goes,
"Let me tell you something.
Jamaine is doing his thing."
And she spells "Jamaine" J-A-M-A-I-N-E.
That's not how you spell
my fucking name.
That's my mother's sister.
She should know how
to spell my name by now.
"Jamaine is doing his thing,"
and she goes,
"You're just sitting around
getting your dick hard
on his jokes."
I don't know what that means.
I'm trying to figure it out
still, and I looked it up,
and I don't know
what that means at all,
but it don't matter.
She confident.
She goes, "'Cause he us very funny.
He us very funny."
She spelled... she spelled "is"
U-S twice...
And she keeps going.
This how she dismounts.
She goes... she goes,
"Continue jacking off
and hatting while my nephew
focus on his career.
If I catch you in Maryland,
I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Do you know how big Maryland is?
Do you know how big Maryland is?
It don't matter where you are.
"Where you at now?"
I say, "I'm in Bethesda."
"I'ma find your bitch ass,
motherfucker!"
That's what she said.
These... these phones have spell check.
That means she went back
and corrected spell check.
"I know how to spell
hatting, motherfucker.
Fuck you, suck my dick."
That's what she said.
When I see somebody
write something
on Facebook about Jermaine
that I feel is negative,
yeah, I get a kick
out of replying back,
'cause I know sometimes I may misspell
because my mind is moving
quicker than my hands are,
and then Jermaine,
he would just pick it up.
"Auntie, no.
You wrote... this is not what...
I know what you mean,
but let me correct this."
So yeah.
People probably judging
right now about the family.
Shit's fine, judge all you want.
There's some good things going on.
Jamal had a baby not too long ago.
My little brother had a... Jamal.
Jamal, he had a baby not too
long ago, which is dope.
I'm an uncle, yeah.
That's great, you know what I mean?
But growing up, I was very skeptical
about Jamal being a dad,
'cause when we were kids,
Jamal used to be in special education.
Yeah, it's the truth.
The whole family thought
Jamal was mentally challenged
'cause he would say words
like spaghetti like "bagebi,"
and that's not a word,
and my mom was very concerned.
My mom was like, "Oh my God.
Okay, Jamal, I'm sorry,
but I got to enroll you
in special needs at the school.
I got to put you in special ed
at the school, I'm sorry."
And Jamal hated being in special ed.
He's like, "But why?
I'm just special like you.
I mean, I'm not special."
And my mom was like, "Ooh, baby.
You are very special, you are special.
To me, your father, and society.
I'm sorry... look, I'm sorry.
Eat your Jell-O cakes.
Eat the Jell-O."
And don't feel bad, y'all.
I know it's a tough pill
to swallow, but don't feel bad,
'cause this is when
everything changed, right?
So one morning, my mom took
Jamal to the dentist, right?
Normal checkup.
Now, at the checkup,
the dentist tells my mom,
"Hey, Mrs. Fowler,
is that you?
Great, great, okay,
so the checkup's over.
Can you come back here please?
Awesome.
So it seems your son Jamal here
has a few cavities in his teeth,
which is normal,
but more importantly,
did you know that Jamal
has an enlarged tongue?"
"You gonna have to back up.
What'd you say?
What'd you just say to me?"
"I'll back up.
Okay, so your son has a tongue
that's bigger than usual, all right?
So it makes him talk different."
"Oh my God, oh my God."
'Cause apparently, Jamal was not
mentally challenged.
He just talked funny,
that's all it was.
So Jamal came back home
from surgery like,
"I told you motherfuckers
I wasn't special!
I wasn't!
My tongue was fat
this whole fucking time.
The whole time.
Fuck is wrong with y'all?"
My mom was like,
"Jamal, calm down."
"Shut up, bitch!
I want spaghetti right now.
Suck a dick."
He was so mad.
He was an angry boy.
He was an angry little boy.
Been misdiagnosed,
so I'm like, misdiagnosed.
Misdiagnosed.
They treat it wrong.
The worst part about the joke
is Jamal's been in special ed
from kindergarten until ninth grade.
It's so fucked up.
It's so fucked up,
and he hasn't gotten
the right education
so technically,
he is mentally challenged.
Like, he just is.
He ain't learned right.
He ain't been learning.
He's been drawing with crayons
and eating muffins,
and I ain't saying
muffins ain't delicious,
but you can't learn on a muffin.
They got to be blueberry or some shit.
The joke's on YouTube,
and Jamal hates the shit.
Yeah, my mom taped it.
My mom was like, "Hey,
Jermaine, can you take the joke
down off YouTube,
'cause Jamal not too happy."
And I was like, "All right,
well, how's Jamal doing?"
"Oh, Jamal's good,
Jamal got a new job."
I was like, "What?
Where's Jamal working at?"
She goes,
"Oh, Jamal's a teacher."
I said, "Jamal's a teacher?"
She goes, "Yeah."
I said,
"Where's Jamal teaching?"
And she goes, "Oh, Jamal's
teaching special needs kids
at the school down the street."
I said, "What the fuck?"
And I was just so spellbound
because, like,
I just imagined him in a class
like, "Hey, y'all.
Look, it's all in your heads,
it's all in your heads.
Check your tongues.
Check your tongues, man.
Muffins for everybody!"
That's the whole curriculum.
"It's all a conspiracy.
You ain't special.
It's just your tongue."
I mean, I kind of
hate the fat tongue story.
I mean, it's a fun story
though, a funny story.
Me, Grandma, and Ma
had went to the dentist,
and they had to clip the little
thing under my tongue.
They had to clip that.
I-I think I cried,
like, the whole way home.
My grandmother
was like, "You okay, Mal?"
I said, "No,
they cut my tongue."
Like, "Look at me."
And she... she said,
"You want to go get my gun,
so we can go handle that?"
I said, "Hey, yeah, let's go."
All right, he talked with a lisp.
His tongue was really, really big,
and he was strange too
when he was a baby,
but that could've been
because of Jermaine.
The first day I brought his
brother home, he smacked him.
I showed him and said,
"Look at your little brother."
He smacked him.
So that could be why Jamal
is just a little special.
- So I moved...
- I moved from D.C.
to New York in 2008, right?
And it was dope, it was pretty dope.
I missed my friends a lot, man,
missed them a lot,
and mostly I missed
playing pranks on 'em and shit.
I missed playing pranks on my friends.
The worst prank I've ever done was...
It's fucked up and shit.
When I was 19, I was driving
back from a show in D.C.
My buddy Will was driving, right?
And Will's a comedian.
He's also a white dude, right?
So the car stops at a red light,
and I see a group of black dudes
about to cross the street,
so I was like, "Oh, shit.
This is gonna be hilarious.
So I rolled the window down,
and I yelled out,
"Hey, cross the street faster,
you coons!"
And I ducked my head.
I ducked my head.
Why ain't y'all laughing?
This was perfect,
'cause I could hear the dudes,
like, "Hey, get the fuck
out the car, man."
And I was like, "Ooh,
they gonna kill you, Will.
They gonna kill you, Will."
Will was like,
"Why you say that shit, man?"
So I'm dying laughing down
at the bottom of the seat.
So some time passed.
I thought the dudes
already walked away,
so I peeked my head back up,
but they was still in the middle
of the street,
and one of the dudes looked
at me like, "What? Ew."
'Cause it looked like I was
sucking this racist dude's dick.
That's what it looked like,
and his eyes...
"Oh, this... them niggas progressive.
"That's his life decision,
I guess, but whatever, right?
I guess
I got to support it."
Do you forgive me?
- Forgive you?
- For what?
The, um, time we were
in the car in D.C. and...
Oh, and you almost got me killed?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was... yeah.
I think I forgive you.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Being out there just...
- Mm-hmm.
With my dick in the wind like that...
- See?
- Yeah. That was... that was fun.
It was 10:00 at night.
It was like 1:00
in the morning.
- It was 1:00 in the morning?
- It was late. It was late.
And those dudes that were out,
they weren't out to just be happy.
No, they... they weren't
on their way to church.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They were...
- They wanted to do something bad.
- Yeah.
'Cause you have a wholesome face.
Yeah, I do. I have a...
It lulls people into
a false sense of security.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like sitcom dad face.
- Sure.
- And it was like when...
When they saw you
say that, "This dude?"
"Oh my God."
They weren't mad that you said it.
They were mad that...
They thought you were nice.
We... all my friends,
we all had a job at Quizno's.
We always hung out there.
We always hung out at Quizno's, man.
It was dope.
Where you work at, man?
- University? Oh, dope.
- Do you like it?
What's the worst job you've ever had?
Cropping tobacco in North
Carolina? That's slavery, man.
That's... what are you talking about?
That's... that's basically slavery.
- Did you time travel, nigga?
- Why you here?
"Hey, I'm gonna see
a good-time show today.
Hey, Bobo.
We made a time machine.
Let's go and tease
the improv."
That's dope, man.
I respect that.
My job I hate...
Most of my jobs I hated working, man.
Quizno's, I hated working there
'cause we got robbed every night.
Like, we got stuck up every night,
and the thing is, we think a coworker
was robbing us and shit.
Think a coworker was doing it,
'cause usually when a thief
breaks into a store,
they fucking break in the store
with a rock, you know?
Through a window.
They sneak through the back
or some shit like that,
but you can't have your own
set of keys to get inside
the store, man.
And this dude ran in with a ski
mask and a gun like, "Hey!
Give me all the money
in the register, Jermaine!"
I'm like,
"How you know my name, man?"
So I just gave it all to him.
"Just take the money.
Just take the money, man."
He was like,
"This is all we made today?"
And he walked away.
"That's it?"
And before he left,
he clocked out.
It was fucking weird.
I was like, "Man,
you just can't do all that."
I hated that job.
It was a late robbery.
Um...got robbed.
Got robbed, man.
My buddy Joe, he's the one
who got me the job, man.
Joe was like, "Man, fuck.
I hate Quizno's, man.
Fucking hate Quizno's, dog.
I'ma quit this shit, man."
"So you really gonna quit?"
"Probably not. But I hate it
though."
I said,
"What you want to do, man?"
He goes, "You know what?
Let's just steal
all the meat."
What kind of solution is that?
"I don't know, but it's funny."
I was like, "All right.
I'm going with you, dude.
I'm going with you."
So Joe and I, we staked out Quizno's
for like three hours, right?
And we saw that our manager,
Mr. Ross,
was locking the store up, right?
And he had a box in his hand.
So Mr. Ross ran to his car
in the parking lot,
put the box in the car,
and closed the car door up.
Ran across the street
to his house, right?
And me and Joe was like,
"Showtime. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go."
We ran inside Quizno's,
and we stole fucking everything, man.
We stole some meat, some cheese.
Some drinks, some chips, right?
And I was gonna
take all that and put it
inside Joe's backpack,
but it wouldn't fit.
I said, "Joe,
what's in your backpack?"
He goes, "Oh, I forgot.
I got spray paint too,
nigga."
I was like, "Dude, you just
said... you just said get meat.
Why we... why you got
spray paint, man?"
"I'm about to spray paint
Mr. Ross's car, dog."
And I was like, "Come on, man,
that's enough, shut up."
Joe goes to Mr. Ross's car,
and I swear to God,
Joe decides to spray paint "KKK"
on Mr. Ross's car.
Joe was black, by the way.
I said, "Why'd you do that?"
"It's gonna throw him off, nigga.
It's gonna throw him off."
I was like, "Oh!
You a little genius,
ain't you?"
So that night, we went back home
to... you know, ate some Quizno's.
It was disgusting. We didn't
have a toaster, so whatever.
We just microwaved bread and meat.
It was moldy ass looking shit.
"It ain't the same, but it's fine.
We did something today."
The next day, we had to go back to work
like nothing happened,
right, or, you know,
we would've got caught, right?
So we clocked in, walked inside.
It was messy as shit 'cause
we robbed all that shit, right?
And so I heard somebody
crying in the back.
I was like,
"Who is crying right now?"
And I go in the back,
and it's Mr. Ross.
He's crying his ass off.
He's like, "Aah!
Ah, God! God, why?
Why, God? Why? Why, God?
Why'd you do this to me, God?
I work hard, God.
Why, why, why?
Why, God? Why?"
And I'm like,
"Mr. Ross, you okay, man?"
He goes, "Um, no.
They got us, boys.
They got us.
They got the mayonnaise.
Chipotle mayonnaise, man."
"Boss, what are you talking about?
Who got what?"
"The Ku Klux Klan took all the meat
and the bread and the cheese,
but they left the arugula salad.
They're trying to tell us something.
Niggas need to eat better.
I don't know!
I don't know!"
I mean, I was at my first job.
Yeah, that was my first job
when I turned 16.
You could be a and you
can get a job at Quizno's.
I got you.
Trust me.
I will look out, but, um, yeah.
I got Jermaine a job there,
and he was a good worker.
It was just so funny.
He was a pretty good worker,
but, like, yeah.
I don't know what happened.
I think he got a better job,
but... oh, yeah. All right.
Thanks, man.
We used to...
We used to eat sandwiches.
1:00, just chill.
Do whatever.
Um...
I'm... I'm sure
you heard some things,
so... the meat heist.
We took some beef briskets.
I don't know, like,
the Quizno's market price of it.
We took some ham.
I took some ham, 'cause me
personally, I love ham,
but... Probably like a year
later, it kind of closed down.
Kind of thing
that was kind of my fault.
Why would I not though?
It was funny.
Like, you know, that was a good story.
That was pretty fun.
Joe's always been, like,
that type of dude who...
He wanted to get, like...
He's always been, like, a crook.
Joe's been kind of crook-ish.
He's always trying to get money
out of people, and it's amazing to me.
Like, one time... Transformers came out
a while... long time ago.
First Transformers came out,
and Joe was like, "Hey, you want
to see Transformers, Jerm?"
I was like, "Yeah,
but I ain't got no money.
"You don't need no money."
"Why?"
"I got a plan."
"What's the plan, Joe?"
"All right, so look, this the plan.
"What we gonna do, we gonna go
to the grocery store,
we gonna buy some hot dogs."
I was like,
"I'm listening."
"We gonna buy some hot dogs
"and go back home, boil them
hot dogs 'til they delicious.
"We gonna take
them delicious ass hot dogs
to the movie theater,
"and then we go to the movie theater,
"go up to that lady
who rips them tickets.
"She gonna be like, 'Ticket
please,' and we'll be like,
"We were just in there,
but we came out there
"to get them hot dogs
from your movie theater."
"She gonna be like,
'Well, go ahead, boy,'
And we gonna watch
Transformers."
And I was like, "That's
the most genius shit
"I've ever heard
in my entire life, Joe.
Let's get them hot dogs."
So we got the hot dogs,
went back home, boiled 'em,
and went to the movie theater,
and we walked in, and she was like,
"Ticket please," and we
was like, "We was in there,
but we just came outside
to get these hot dogs," and she
was like, "No, you didn't,"
and we were like, "Okay,"
and we walked away.
We didn't even try.
We didn't even try to lie at all,
and we knew she knew we
were lying because the hot dogs
in the theater,
they sell 'em with buns.
We had Wonder bread.
We got Wonder bread.
"Mm-kay.
I ain't gonna
cry about this, man."
I moved, man.
I feel bad about moving,
but it's all good.
I was excited
about moving to New York, man.
I thought when I moved to New York,
everybody was gonna be rapping,
you know, around trash cans
with fire in it for some reason.
Like, "Stay warm, nigga.
The weather's inclement," but no
one's doing trash rap, man.
I was disappointed as fuck.
I was very disappointed.
Now, I learned something, man.
Like, I was so happy
about New York, me living there,
that, like, I would just walk
around with a smile on my face,
but people saw that as a sign
of weakness and shit
so they would try
and fuck with me, right?
So this dude tried to rob
me one night, right?
Tried to rob me.
I was walking down...
I was going to CVS
to go buy some wine, right?
I was gonna go buy some wine.
It was on sale. Shut up.
This dude walked past me,
then he stopped, then
he came back and was like, "Hey,
what's up?" I was like, "Hello."
I thought he was being nice.
I thought he was being nice, right?
But he just was like,
"Yo, give me your money."
I was like, "Oh, okay.
All right, all right,"
and I went in my pocket
to get some cash, but I looked at him
and he had no weapon
so I was like, "Oh.
Never mind, man. It's all good.
Nah." He said, "Come on, man.
You already said yes."
Like, what?
"You made a verbal agreement,
nigga. You promised!"
I'm like, "What are you
talking about, man?
Like, have some respect.
Get a gun or...
He could've tickled me
and that'd be fine too.
That shit hurts,
but he ain't tickle me,
and I said no.
You know what he said?
He said, "Fine, be that way,"
and just walked away.
Just walked away. I was
like, "That was easy as shit."
I was like, "That was so fucking
easy, man."
I-I felt bad.
I felt so fucking bad, man,
so I was like, "Let
me talk to him real quick,"
and I was like, "Hey!"
And he said, "What?"
I was like, "Come back,
come back, come back."
And he came back, and he said,
"What the fuck you want, man?
What the fuck you want?" I said,
"What's wrong with you, man?
You okay?" He said, "I'm fine.
I'm all right.
Why you asking me that?"
"'Cause you robbing people,
but you not good at it.
What's wrong, man?
What's wrong, man?"
He said, "All right, shit.
Damn. All right, fuck.
All right, look, man.
My girlfriend, she got a baby,
but I ain't got no money
to feed the baby, all right?
You caught me. You got me.
You got me, all right?"
I was like, "Why didn't you just
say that in the first place?
I would've helped you out, man.
I'm a nice dude."
I would've helped him out, man,
'cause I don't want
him to go back home empty-handed
to his girlfriend, you know?
Like, "Hey, Trey.
The baby's crying.
Where the fuck's the money at?"
"Bitch,
I'm trying to get some money,
but everybody keeps saying no.
All right?
It's hard.
What you doing all day?
Shut the fuck up."
I was mad.
I was like, "You know what?
You a bitch, but you taught me
a very valuable lesson, man.
You really did." Anybody live
in a bad neighborhood?
Like, a really shitty
neighborhood? You do?
- Where you live?
- Southeast.
- South?
- Oh, shit. All right.
Man, I can't even... oh.
How long you lived there?
- 31 years.
- 31 years?
Jesus Christ.
So you just never left.
All right, damn. That sucks.
And it's still pretty bad?
- It's not gentrified yet at all?
- Still bad.
- It's still bad?
- Aw, man. That sucks ass.
All right, so this is what I learned.
You live in a bad neighborhood,
you can't walk around
looking like a victim or people
will fuck with you, right?
You know what I mean?
Don't' do that, right?
You got to walk around and try to look
as tough as the dudes on the street.
If you're not a tough person,
it don't matter.
They don't know you, you know?
Fucking pretend.
You know what I mean?
I mean, win an Oscar.
I don't give a fuck.
Just fucking try.
You know what I mean?
I learned that in Brooklyn, man.
I was walking down the street
and I saw a group of dudes
on the sidewalk, and I was like,
"All right, damn.
They gonna try to fuck
with me, man. I know that.
All right.
All right, Jermaine.
All right,
so just walk different, man."
You gotta walk different.
All right, just walk...
Walk like this.
All right, good.
All right, good.
Yeah, yeah."
"Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
That's good, man.
That's good.
Now get on the mean face.
Get on the mean face."
I was like, "Yeah, all right.
Shit, yeah.
Yeah, yeah."
And it worked.
It worked.
This dude walked up to me
like, "Yo. What's up, son?"
I was like, "What's up?
What's up?"
He was like,
"You want some weed?"
"I'm already high," and I walked away.
He was like, "Oh, it's cool.
"Don't give him no more drugs,
man. He's fucked up.
Let him walk that off."
Especially when you come and you say,
"Not only am I leaving school
but I'm going
to New York."
It was scary.
I mean, I was all...
I'm asking how is he doing,
or I'm calling.
You know, I would get calls.
You know, I would... at the time,
I was working for a law firm,
so I would send him money
most every time I got paid.
Sent him money to get a heater.
You know, he calls and says,
"Daddy, I'm sleeping in my clothes
because there's no heat
in my building."
The first thing you
want to say is "Come home."
I know if I said come home,
he wasn't coming,
so there wasn't no need
for me to say it.
"Dad, I don't have any food."
What you want to say?
"Come home."
I want to take care of my son.
But this is... this not a child.
This is a man,
and so I'm saying to myself,
um...
I guess you gotta get to a point
of knowing when to let your son go,
And, uh, I mean, that was, um...
that was hard to say,
"Okay, gotta let you go."
You know?
'Cause, um, I love my kids.
Thanks.
Bleach in my eyes.
I moved a lot when I was in New York.
I moved a lot, man. I moved
from building to building, man.
And not 'cause, like, you know,
there was
a rodent problem or, you know,
it was violent or something like that.
I moved from building
to building 'cause my...
One time, I caught my neighbor
having sex in the hallway
of their apartment building.
Like, in the hallway.
I don't think you heard me.
I-I caught my neighbor
fucking people in the hallway
of the apartment building.
We have homes in there.
Like, we have beds.
I was mad as shit,
'cause the first time
I caught him, I didn't...
I didn't hear any sex, man.
I was just walking upstairs
to check the mail.
I had the headphones
in or whatever, man.
I was like...
Got the mail, walked upstairs.
And I just caught this dude
just doggy styling this girl
in the hallway,
and the first thing I could
do was go, "Oh! Oh!
Oh! That's my bad. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't be walking home.
That's my... I'm sorry, man."
And this is how he played it off.
He was like, "No, no.
We wasn't having sex.
We was just dancing.
We was just dancing."
I was like, "Whatever you say, nigga.
All right, it's fine.
Whatever, man."
And I ran upstairs
to my apartment building,
and I locked my door.
I locked my door. I locked it.
I don't know why I locked it,
but I was just so scared he
was gonna be fucking everybody
in the building door to door
for some reason.
"Hey, how you doing?
I'm here to fix the AC."
"I ain't got an AC...
Oh, oh!"
That's what I was afraid of.
Every night, I had that nightmare.
It was a reoccurring nightmare, man.
It was scary as shit.
I was so afraid.
One night, my girlfriend came upstairs.
We were gonna watch a movie
that night, right?
So she walked upstairs. I live
on the third floor, right?
And she knocks on my door.
I was like, "Oh, what's up, Elena?
How you doing?"
And she goes, "I'm good.
I am good.
Um...okay.
Okay, um...I was...
I was just walking upstairs,
'cause you have to to get upstairs,
and I just caught your neighbor"...
"I just... I just caught
your neighbor having sex
with a girl in the hallway."
And then I was like, "You know what?
I think we should all be doing that.
You know what I mean?
Shouldn't we all be, like,
having sex in weird places
with your girlfriend or boyfriend
or something like that?
- Shut up.
- I think you should.
You fucking should.
I feel like men get
scrutinized, man, during sex,
man, 'cause we're supposed
to be, like, all, you know,
we got to control everything,
you know what I mean?
I like when the women
are in control sometimes.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes I like that.
- All right.
- I do!
Ew, auntie.
Oh, that was gross!
"That's right, baby.
It's a nice thing, and...
Your uncle always
just, you know..."
That was so nasty.
I like when a woman's in control.
Is it... does it make me less of a man
'cause sometimes I want to be
picked up during sex?
I don't know where I'd go,
but I want to be picked up.
I want to be picked up.
It looks so nice to be up.
It looks so tranquil.
I want to be up there.
How do you ask for that?
How do you ask for that?
You got to do it two ways.
You can ask for it nicely.
Like, after sex, like, "Hey, baby,
so you had fun, right?"
"Yeah, I had fun."
"Good. So...
I guess
I had a good time too."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know.
"It's just, you know, sometimes...
"I don't feel like you...
Like you really fulfill
what I need right now."
"What do you want me
to do?"
"I just want you
to pick me up sometimes."
You could do it that way.
Or you could do it really
masculine, you know what I mean?
Like, you fucking her like,
"Yeah, yeah!
"Yeah, you like that?"
"Yeah, I like that."
"Good.
Now pick me up!"
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"I ain't say shit!
"I ain't say pick me up.
Something wrong with you."
When I was... I was like, 16,
I didn't have a computer at my house.
I didn't have a computer,
so, you know, I had to watch
porn at the library.
I was at the library so much,
my parents thought I was smart.
"What a genius. Always at there.
Always over there.
Always over there."
One time, Joe from the Quizno's story,
he was like, "Jermaine, you
at the library all the time.
Man, what you doing,
studying?"
"No, I'm watching
Bang Bros, man."
And he was like,
"Yo, can I go with you?"
I was like, "Yeah."
"Yo, can Omar come?"
I was like, "Okay, let's do it.
"Whatever, man. Let's make
it a party, let's do it."
So it was me, Joe, Omar at the library
to go watch this porn, right?
And it was fun until Omar yelled out,
"Yo, this is cool and shit,
but, like, why don't we print
out the pictures too?"
And I was like, "That's dumb.
One, because the printer's
next to the librarian's desk.
He's gonna see that.
We're gonna get caught."
He goes, "I don't give a fuck,"
and he presses the print button,
And he keeps doing it, right?
And me and Joe were like,
"Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here."
And this is how we knew
Omar got caught.
The librarian yelled out, "Oh, no!
"Ooh! Ooh, why? No, no!"
'Cause they're not trained
for that situation.
They don't have a seminar for that.
They don't have like,
"Sometimes, kids come in here
to, you know,
print out pornography."
"Okay, got it.
Cool."
They don't have that for them, right?
So the librarian,
he traced the computer
back to Omar, back to Omar,
picked him up by his shirt,
took him to every floor
of the library and was like,
"This young man's a pervert!
"He nasty!
"Printing out pornography
at this library, our library.
He nasty!"
He throws him out the library
and bans him for life.
For life.
For life.
That's not a good punishment
for a little kid.
He can't read books no more?
He can't read?
If anybody needs a library,
it's that kid right there
printing out pornography
at the library, man.
That's gonna affect him
when he gets older, man.
He's gonna have kids one day.
"Hey, Dad. I got a book report.
Take me to the library
real quick."
"Nah.
"Can't go to that library, man.
They got my picture on the wall
and all that shit, man."
Would you like to go
inside the library?
- No.
- Why can't we go inside?
I can't.
When was the last time
you were in this building?
Ninth grade.
I want to point out
all these security cameras...
- Oh, crap.
- Right here,
and there's even a "All activities
monitored by camera" right here.
Oh, shit.
Which is... wasn't here
until after...you got caught.
Are you scared of your son
growing up to look like you
because of this incident?
It's a little bit too late for that.
- He already does look like me.
- He does?
I imagine your whole
family line is screwed.
- Yeah.
- From all males going down.
Even the girls who look like you
probably can't go in
'cause they'd probably think
you were wearing a wig
and trying to sneak
in or something like that.
So forgive him,
Hyattsville Public Library.
Sorry.
He's already suffered long enough.
He can't read.
Y'all watch porn together?
You and your girl?
You do?
That's awesome.
You have a favorite,
like, person y'all watch?
You watch Pinky?
Who the hell's Pinky?
- You know who Pinky is?
- No.
- Look up Pinky.
- You'll love it.
It's great.
I love porn, man.
Sometimes when I watch porn,
I like to turn it up real loud
so that my neighbors think it's
me fucking next door and shit.
Like, "God damn, he's amazing.
And he plays
saxophone too?"
All through the...
"Got a whole band in there.
"Got strings and wind instruments and...
"and a tuba?
"Is he fucking and playing
or playing and fucking?
I don't know."
One time I like in porn,
I like hearing the woman moan.
It sounds great when women moan.
You sound great.
One thing I don't like
hearing is dudes moan.
Dudes don't sound good when they moan.
Dudes sound so primal
when they have sex, man.
It's like animals. "Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!"
It's like,
I don't want to hear that. Ugh!
Black porn stars are the worst
because they're loud and narrative.
Like, they'll tell you what's happening
the entire time they're fucking.
Every time I watch a black porn star,
he's always like, "Yeah, girl.
Put your leg on your shoulder.
"Ooh, it's on my shoulder!
"Yeah, yeah!
Now, take that dick.
"Yeah!
"Yeah, I know it hurt.
I believe in you.
I believe in you.
Where you going now?
Where you going now?"
While wearing Timberland
boots and just a shirt.
Just a shirt and some sunglasses.
Like, "Why you fully
dressed right now, man?
"Can't enjoy this for ten minutes?
What's wrong with you?"
Porn is so fucked up, man.
This is why I don't like
porn most of the time.
It's the way they title the porn.
It's the way they title it.
I don't like the way they title it.
It's so fucked up,
'cause if it's a white dude
fucking a white girl, the title
will say something normal
like, "Veronica Stone
and Peter North are fucking."
Something normal like that, right?
But if it's a black dude,
it'll say, "Veronica Stone
Versus a Big Black..."
What?
Why is there a versus in that?
They agreed to do that, man.
It's not UFC over there.
Mortal Kombat.
What the fuck is wrong with y'all?
Versus.
Choose your character.
Wesley Pipes.
Wesley...Pipes.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately.
One thing I like watching right
now is Cosmos on Fox.
Comes on Sundays.
You watch it too?
You know... y'all know Cosmos...
You ever watch Cosmos?
Hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson?
- Yeah.
- Four, five.
About seven people.
All right, that's cool.
And that's the point
I'm trying to make, all right?
Neil deGrasse Tyson is a black
astrophysicist
who has a show
called Cosmos on Fox, right?
And he's not that popular.
He's not that popular.
And I wish he was because
he's a black astrophysicist
who has a show on Fox
of all fucking networks,
and no one gives a fuck who he is.
And the people I think
that should give a fuck
are black people, but niggas
don't give a fuck who he is.
"Hey, man, you know Neil
deGrasse Tyson?"
"Who?" Ugh!
It makes me so fucking mad.
It makes me so fucking mad.
'Cause he's won every
single award known to man.
Every... every fucking award,
except for one
I think he should get,
and that's a B.E.T. award.
That's a...
And I know B.E.T. only...
They commemorate singers and actors
and motherfuckers on Scandal and shit.
Whatever, but they should get
something from him.
It's Black Entertainment Television.
Get... you know what I mean?
He should get something
from 'em, man, something.
And the reason why
he hasn't got anything
is 'cause he's a nerd.
He's not cool.
He's not a cool person.
He's a fucking nerd.
You know what I mean?
He probably got picked on
a lot growing up, you know what I mean?
Like, "Hey, Neil, What you want
to be when you grow up?"
"I want to look at the stars."
"You gay!"
That's probably what happened
to Neil every day of his life,
and you know what?
I feel for him.
I feel for Neil,
man, 'cause growing up,
I was a fucking nerd, man.
I was a nerd growing up.
My mom used to buy me a microscope set
and a telescope.
- Right, Ma?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Uh...
She bought me all that shit.
She bought me... or my dad
bought me all that shit, right?
And I loved it.
I'd play with it every day, man.
I used to go in the woods
to collect bugs and shit.
I was a weird ass fucking kid.
I was a weird kid. I was weird.
I hated going to church
'cause it made me sleepy,
and I ain't like that either.
My dad hated it.
My dad would wake me up,
"Jermaine, wake up.
You can't be sleeping
in church. We look evil."
I was like, "Dad, I don't..."
I don't like Christianity, Dad.
I want to believe
in something more exciting."
So for a whole year, I believed
in Greek mythology instead.
It was so much cooler
to me, man. I was a kid.
I needed something more exciting.
So my dad hated it.
"Jermaine, you can't be
believing in Greek gods, man.
We are Christians."
"Dad, they're so much cooler.
Everybody got super powers,
man."
"Jermaine,
Jesus died for your sins."
"Well, Zeus shoots thunderbolts
out of his hand, nigga.
"That's fucking crazy.
Can Jesus do that, Daddy?
Huh? Can he?"
"Oh, you want to do that?
All right.
Well, Jesus can walk
on water."
"Poseidon owns water, nigga.
That's his thing.
That's his house."
Walks on somebody's roof like...
I was a weird kid.
- I used to like skateboarding.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, yeah, I was weird.
- I was fucking weird.
I thoroughly... I thoroughly
enjoyed skateboarding so much
that my dad was like, "You know what?
Jermaine likes skateboarding.
I'm gonna buy him this Tony
Hawk Pro Skater video game
so I can bond with my son.
I'm gonna bond with him."
So my dad bought me the game.
Played it every day.
I played it every day.
One day, my dad was like,
"Well, let me play with him.
'Cause, you know, I want to...
I want to bond with my kid."
So my dad sits down next to me.
We're playing the game.
We're playing.
I beat my dad's ass so bad in the game
he yelled out,
"You a white boy!"
And runs out the room.
Clean out the room, and I was like,
"That was your bonding moment with me?
That's how you try to bond
with me, Daddy?"
And I never liked that term.
I never liked that term.
What does that mean, man?
So, like, fast forward.
Few years later, right?
I did this audition for Russell
Simmons' The Ruckus, right?
It's a new Def Comedy Jam
for Comedy Central, right?
Mind you, Russell Simmons man,
he's done so many cool things, man.
He's on Def Comedy Jam.
Bunch of movies, man. Cool shit.
So I did the audition.
It was a big deal to me,
and I killed it.
I had a good fucking time.
The next day, my manager calls me.
He's like, "Hey, Jermaine."
I'm like, "Hey.
What's up, Avi?"
He goes, "Hey, look,
so Russell Simmons and his team
think you're hilarious."
I was like,
"Oh, did I get it?"
And he goes, "No, you didn't,
'cause unfortunately
Russell Simmons and his team
don't think you're urban
enough for the show."
I said, "What?
Russell Simmons said that?"
Russell fucking Simmons said that?
That nigga does yoga in turtlenecks.
What the fuck's he
talking about, man?"
I was so fucking mad,
'cause he has half-Asian children.
What the fuck's he talking about, man?
I thought he was
more progressive than that.
I was so fucking mad, man.
So that night, I was
on a train heading home, man.
I was mad as shit, man.
Fuck Phat Farm.
Fuck Baby Phat too, nigga.
I don't give a fuck.
I was mad, then this homeless
white lady hops on the train,
and she starts going crazy.
Yelling these racial slurs
to everybody and shit.
This Spanish dude,
"You spic!"
This Jewish dude,
"You Jew!"
She sees me and she goes,
"Nigger! You a nigger!"
And part of me was like, "What
the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Don't fucking call me that.
Why do you think like that?
Why do you fucking
think like that, man?
You so fucking racist."
But deep down I was like,
"Finally, god damn!
Oh, man!"
I mean, I hate that word,
but sometimes it's so refreshing
for somebody to see your potential.
You know what I mean?
Like... I gotta go.
Y'all been dope as fuck, man.
Thank y'all so much, man.
I really do appreciate it.
Thank you.
Peace!
Thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Daddy.
Thank you, aunties and uncles,
and all my friends who came out.
All the fans,
thank y'all so fucking much.
I really do appreciate it.
Y'all get home safely and be good.
Don't fuck a wrong cavity.
Bye.