Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) Movie Script
1
Hello.
- Man.
- We were waiting for you.
- I'm happy you're here.
- Yeah, baby.
I'm really happy you're here,
I'm happy all of you are here.
I have so much to tell you.
- I'm comfortable.
- You're comfortable?
You can talk back to me,
I want you guys to feel that...
This only works
if we feel like family.
- Yes.
- You see, it only works, I know
it's the camera's here,
and it's a whole thing.
It's a big night,
it's a lot of pressure.
That kind of thing, you know?
I want you guys to feel
as comfortable as I hope to be.
You know? We got a lot of shit
to talk about.
I'm happy you're here.
I need you, I have...
I want to talk about...
secrets!
Secrets.
I should whisper it, right?
I carried a lot of secrets
my whole life.
I, like... I feel like
I was birthed into them.
One of my biggest...
One of my last-held secrets
is my name.
My name is not Jerrod.
What?
Welcome to the show, everybody. I...
I thought we were
being honest tonight.
Jerrod's my middle name.
I was given the name Jerrod
by my brother, Joe.
He's, like,
seven years older than me.
They just trusted a kid
to name a kid, but whatever.
I'm thankful for that.
Without him,
I'd have to go by my real name.
My first name.
Which we don't talk about.
It's not... It is not good.
It's not good, I don't like it.
I've always hated that name.
No one calls me that
except for my mom.
My dad named me...
He combined his dad's first name
and my mom's dad's first name.
And mushed them together.
Not to make something elegant.
Like, you know, William Edward
or something like that.
It's more like...
Toyotathon.
I hate that name,
I've hidden that name my whole life.
Like, I'm... I used to...
I used to get it removed
from the yearbook.
Every year in high school,
I would bribe somebody.
It'd cost me $20.
To get my first name taken out of it.
I never let people see
my driver's license.
I had it taken off my bank cards.
I've always been ashamed of it.
I've always hidden it.
And it's funny
because it's a name given to me
to honor two people, right?
Like, it's supposed to be this gift
to both my granddads.
And it almost seemed
kind of fucked up that I hide that.
That I, like, tuck it away.
But that's because you don't know
my grandfathers.
If you knew them...
you'd know keeping a secret
is the only way to honor them.
Like, that's kind of who they were.
They were granddads. I...
I'm named after two men who mostly...
Most of their lives
most of their sex lives,
at least, were secrets.
Like, my mom's dad had four kids
with my mom's mom, his wife.
And four kids
outside of that marriage.
Just kind of scattered about.
My dad's dad had five kids
with his wife.
And
about 23...
outside of the marriage.
Yeah, I come from a long line
of cool niggas.
Twenty-three, twenty-three.
Dillon, South Carolina.
Jim Gowens is his name.
We don't have the same last name
because my dad was an outside kid.
Yeah... he was...
There's no easy way to say
your grandma was a side piece.
It's...
Like, I wanna...
I wanna say it was something else.
Like, they'd prefer I used terms
like affair and whatever
but nah, that's not what it was.
She was fucking a married nigga
and that's just...
She had...
So my grandma had three kids
by a married man.
My Uncle Pete, my dad, my Aunt Nell.
And his wife found out.
And confronted my grandma about it.
I like to think it was, like,
on some Color Purple shit
like she crossed the field
and was like, "Whatever."
But she confronted my grandma
and demanded that she stop sleeping
with her man.
And my grandma...
fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat.
I think she's where I get
my ambition from.
My Aunt Cat is proud of that,
by the way.
Like, she'll tell everybody
her origin story, she's like, "Yeah."
And she said, "Don't nobody tell me
who to sleep with.
And then, she fucked him again
and had me out of spite.
That's me, I'm the spite baby."
She loves that shit.
But we don't really talk about it.
We don't really talk about it,
my dad doesn't really know his dad.
You know,
but he still felt enough pride
to, you know, name me after him.
My mom's dad was also like a cheater
but she... she lived in the house
that he was cheating from.
You know.
And so, when you're that family
you learn not to say shit,
you know. My...
My mom...
I guess, learned from her mom.
Just... I'm trying to paint a picture
of a world before Destiny's Child.
Where...
Where, you know,
women got cheated on and it...
It didn't play out
like a Terry McMillan novel.
It was much more quiet than that.
They... They just kind of existed
with the secret.
They knew, but they didn't know.
It's weird,
it's like generations of that.
Generations of just seeing things,
not seeing things.
I saw my parents' sex tape.
This is kind of
a side tangent, but...
I was about 12 years old,
I came home from school early.
I would watch, like, my dad...
If you got, like, a dad
or an older brother
you know, they might've had
a porn stash, this was the '90s.
My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box.
In the bedroom closet,
on the top shelf
beside a gun and a jar of nickels.
And I remember putting this tape in,
and, like...
it was about 15 seconds
before I started recognizing
the bedroom.
I know those sheets,
they got lemons on them.
But that's the thing,
I never told my family.
I never told my parents
that I'd seen that.
It's odd because, you know, it's one
of those things that you just...
You can't talk about sex
with your parents.
Not that anybody really wants to,
but you just can't.
And you're only here
because your parents fucked
isn't that kind of funny?
Your dad came in your mom,
and you're here.
But you gotta, like...
Have you ever been watching a movie
with your parents
and, like, a sex scene came on
and you just got to be, like,
"Nope. No, it's not."
Things that exist but don't exist.
It's things that,
like, are right there
hiding in plain sight.
My father had me and my brother
with my mom.
And...
And then, he had four kids
with a bitch named Renita.
It's not that I hate her name.
It's just that it sounds like
a villain in a Tyler Perry movie.
And other kids, he had other kids.
My dad was,
he was really out there, man.
He was really, really out there.
And I knew about it
since I was a kid.
It was a small town, and... it's...
You know, it's a secret that
he thought he was keeping
from the family.
He thought he was doing a good job
keeping the secret. So, you know?
But I found out, I never told him.
I didn't tell him that I knew.
My brother found out,
he didn't tell him.
It's funny to live in a house
with someone...
knowing who they are.
Knowing that they're, you know,
cheating on your mom
and... not saying anything to him.
He used to...
He used to go out on Friday nights
he would say he was going to work.
My dad is a truck driver.
Which, by the way,
if you're cheating on your wife
and you're looking for a profession
that allows...
just long, blackout dates.
Get your CDLs and hit the road.
I really recommend it.
He would...
He would say he was going
to a "second job" on Friday nights.
But, like, he would get dressed up
and I mean dressed up by, like,
North Carolina dad standards.
He'd, like, tuck his T-shirt
into his jeans.
But he would say he was going to work
with cologne on.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Like, it's just, like...
a liar.
And it would just leave me as a kid
like, knowing that... It's weird...
It's weird to know it.
To know, to really, really know...
and not say anything, I was scared.
I didn't know...
I didn't know what to say. I...
I don't know what I could've done.
I... My...
I don't know if I would've
said anything if I had the courage
you know,
because I only saw this secret as...
something that could've torn
our family apart.
Like, you know, if my mom found out
I thought it would be...
it would be over.
He was fucking my homeboy TJ's aunt.
It was this story TJ told me about
and that's hard because TJ,
he didn't want to snitch.
You know, It's just... like,
you're in the hood, like, you know
nobody in the hood...
I didn't want to snitch!
He told me, he was like, "Man...
I came home from school the other day
and I went to my aunt's house...
and your pop was just there
on the couch."
Like, what?
He's like,
"Yeah... he was just on the couch."
He saw my dad sitting on the couch.
He walks in,
he's excited to see my dad.
He knows my dad very well,
they used to play Madden together.
Like... He knows him, he's like,
"Mr. Carmichael
what are you doing here?"
And my dad, being caught,
under pressure.
You know what he did?
He just squinted his eyes
and pretended he was somebody else.
I don't know how
that was supposed to work.
He... He literally was just like,
"Mr. Carmichael?
I don't know
who you're talking about."
He just grabbed his shit
and got the fuck out of there.
My father.
And TJ was there with his aunt
and he said,
"Do you know who that was?
That's my best friend's dad,
that's Joe Carmichael."
And she said, "Joe Carmichael?
He told me his name was Jerry Rice."
That's right.
That's right,
my father was telling bitches...
his name was Hall of Fame,
wide receiver Jerry Rice.
Do you know how absurd that is?
And I got so many questions,
things he won't talk about.
Like, did you say it?
Did you act surprised?
Did you go, like, "What?
There's another Jerry Rice?"
Did you...
Like, was it all part of the game?
Did he go, like,
"Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice.
I know, I know.
I get it all the time."
Like, how did he react?
He was a wild man,
he was really out there.
Really, really out there.
Just holding it in,
just holding it all in.
He had a double
or triple bypass surgery.
I guess that's where it went.
It's fine, hey, I'm paying
for his health insurance.
Don't groan for the man.
I'm, like,
keeping him alive right now.
I made him tell my mom.
It became too much, you know.
It's a secret that I think
I was happy keeping as a child
because I thought it made sense
for the family.
But then, it was embarrassing,
first of all, you know.
Just like, know...
Because people knew.
It seems like everyone knew,
but my mom.
You know?
And that's really tough
because my mom's very sweet,
loving, trusting, Christian.
God-fearing woman
who was just standing by her man,
trusting her husband.
And my dad was just, you know,
he was really out there.
I got...
really drunk in London.
And...
I was like, "This is... It's time.
I'mma confront him about it."
You know.
And it's hard, this was hard
because this is a tough man.
Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun
in the closet, by the porn.
And it's not...
It's not easy, it's not easy. I...
I was really afraid.
But I remember starting
the call saying
"Listen, this will all go well
as long as you don't lie to me."
And...
And I was just, you know,
almost in tears
and just so emotional.
"I know about everything, man.
I know... I know about Renita...
and the kids and the blah..."
You know?
You know what he said?
He actually said
"I always knew you'd be the one."
That's what he said, he knew.
So I made him tell my mom.
He waited until I was back home
in North Carolina to tell her.
Fucking pussy.
I know, that's a pussy thing
to do, right?
He waited, he needed the support.
He waited until I was home.
And this was his big plan
to tell my mom.
He was like... He was like,
"Okay, so you and your brother
you take her out to dinner.
And then...
I'mma stay home, and then you
bring her back from dinner.
You drop her off
she'll come in the house,
and then I'mma tell her."
And I was like, "Okay.
You want me to, like, hide a gun
behind the toilet too?"
What kind of Godfather plan is this?
But I went along with it,
it took a lot for him.
That dinner was the worst dinner
I've ever had before
in my entire life, bro.
I took my mom
to a hibachi restaurant.
Mind you, so earlier that day
I had taken my nieces
to see the Trolls movie.
I love going to the movies
with my nieces, it's the best.
They're not my kids,
so I can just get high
and do fun shit with them,
it's the best.
And we'd seen the Trolls movie
and I don't know if you've seen it,
spoiler alert.
But if you have...
The premise is that these
are, like, these colorful trolls
that are, like, singing
and all types of shit.
And if something devastating
happens to them
they lose all of their color.
And I remember thinking
that the whole dinner
like, that whole night
is just looking at my mom.
Just looking in her eyes, just going,
"She's going to lose her color."
It was really, really scary.
Mind you, all of this happened
at a hibachi grill.
So, like, I'm looking in her eyes,
but there's a, like, flame
and we gotta clap
every couple minutes, like...
He's, like, juggling salt
and pepper shakers.
Like, "Yay, okay. My mom
is about to be fucking destroyed
but this is a great trick."
I get mad when I don't get
a Japanese chef.
Sometimes they're, like, Mexican
and they're just
passing them off as...
Anyway.
How many Japanese chefs are there
in North Carolina?
I'm piecing this together now.
I brought her home.
I dropped her off.
I went to my brother's house.
And we waited
by the phone very, very anxiously.
Me, my brother,
and my sister-in-law just waited.
Very nervous.
And then my mom called.
I could hear in her voice
that she'd been crying.
And...
And I'll never forget,
she's just said...
Her first words were,
"I'm okay, I'm okay."
And he... told her.
Begged for her forgiveness,
she forgave him.
She stayed.
It's kind of anti-climactic, I know.
She actually made him breakfast
the next morning.
I'll never forget that fact.
And mostly because it's
an embarrassing fact to admit that...
It's not how I thought
the story would play out.
It's somehow worse.
But it was out in the open.
And once that was done,
I was left alone...
feeling like a liar.
Because I had a secret.
One that I kept from my mother
and my father, and my family,
my friends.
And you, all of you.
Professionally, personally.
And the secret is that I'm gay.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Thank you for that. No, that...
- We love you!
That...
- We love you.
- No, that's very sweet.
- I really appreciate that.
- We mean it.
- We love you so much.
- No... It means a lot.
It means a lot,
and I'm accepting the love
but I really appreciate the love,
you know? My...
My, kind of, ego...
wants to rebel against it, you know?
You clap, and you're very sweet
and you're very kind,
and I appreciate it.
Part of me wants to be like
"I'm fucking gay,
I'm not fucking retarded."
You know, like, get all mad.
Because I can feel it, bro.
I can feel it.
There's a lot
that happens coming out.
Like, I'm telling you, guys.
And I know some of y'all, like,
"I see the Yankee fitteds."
Like, some of y'all are just like,
"Oh, shit. We at a gay show, bro?"
This is for HBO. Like...
You know how many niggas
just turned the TV off?
Saying to their girl right now,
"We gotta watch something else?"
Like, y'all clapped.
A lot of you clapped and you felt it.
Some of you didn't really wanna clap.
You were just like,
"We got to do that shit.
We're in New York
and there's cameras." Like...
That's okay. That's okay, I get it.
I get it, I came out to my friends.
We love you.
- We love you!
- Good job, man.
- I wanna accept that, you know?
- Yeah, you should.
It feels like I didn't earn it.
It's like, what did I do?
Suck a Dominican dude's dick?
And then y'all clapped for that.
You know?
Because I rebelled against that.
I really did, bro,
I rebelled against it my whole life.
Like, I never thought I'd come out.
I didn't think I'd ever... come out.
I...
Probably at many points in my life
I thought I'd rather die
than confront the truth of that.
I didn't actually say it to people
because I know. It's...
It changes people's...
Some people,
it changes their perception of me.
I can't control that.
You know, I'm from
an environment where...
I was kind of raised to be a man.
Whatever that means.
Didn't expect gay babies,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, nobody...
You don't see old ladies looking
at a toddler being, like
"Oh, look at his cheeks.
I bet he's going to be a top.
Get that baby some prep now."
Yo.
Yo.
No, yo... I feel you, bro.
I'm with you. I'm with you, bro.
I'm from the hood.
Sometimes, I'll be in the shower like
"Oh, nigga, I'm really gay.
I'm really out here.
Oh, fuck, dude."
"Fuck!"
You know?
Shit is shocking to me too.
I didn't know.
It's fucked up all my relationships.
I had a boyfriend, me and that nigga
talked to each other like men.
We'd say shit like,
"I want to suck your dick, bro."
None of that gay shit over here.
Sometimes we're making out
and just whispering "no homo"
to each other.
Just tonguing that nigga down
being like, "Pause."
I feel you, I feel you.
I got mostly straight friends.
Them niggas
didn't want to hear that shit.
My homeboy, Jamar, said...
This is one of my best friends,
one of my best friends.
I... I let him sleep on my couch
when he needed it.
I was always there for him.
He told me he felt like
he was tricked
into having a gay best friend.
He said, "I would've never
signed up for this."
And I said,
"Nigga, you owe me $85,000."
Got to accept love, man.
I need the love, I need it.
I need it, I need to feel that.
I was really out here lying, though.
That's the thing,
I came out too late.
- A little too late.
- Yes.
That "it gets better" shit
is for the kids.
Like, that's not for an adult man
figuring himself out.
Like, they don't want that,
nobody wants that shit.
All my friends felt like
I was just duplicitous.
Like, I was just lying to them,
they didn't know who I was.
They all reacted like Sally Field
in Mrs. Doubtfire.
They were like, "The whole time?"
Like, they were very...
mad about that shit.
It cleared up my relationship
with all my black homegirls.
My friend, Ashley, told me,
before I came out she could sense it.
She was like
"Please just tell me you're gay,
so this all makes sense."
I guess there's only so many times
you can, like, FaceTime a woman
to see if your outfit looks okay.
Before they start having
some questions and...
They were the toughest, I'll say
like, black women were
the toughest people to come out to.
But also the most supportive.
I'm very, very thankful for all
of the black ladies in my life
you know, who supported me
through that, through all of it.
All of it.
They're not...
They're not homophobic at all.
They're racist as a motherfucker.
They don't like that I had
a white boyfriend.
Oh, my, see? You see what I'm saying?
You see that change?
You can be gay, but nigga, what?
Oh, you date white boys, really?
Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise.
No more secrets,
I'm going to tell y'all.
Yeah, yeah. Yes!
What?
She feels...
You heard her say, "Wow?"
That's the sound of a black woman
that feels doubly betrayed.
My sister is on that shit too.
Listen, you can't...
I'm used to it,
I grew up just in the hood
on some, like,
real strong masculine shit.
It's... It plays out.
Look, I'll say this.
I actually think that...
it's important to say this,
I believe in the black family.
I think that black men
should marry black women
and have black babies,
and raise them to be smart.
Just good citizens, educated.
I think that's very, very important.
- Amen.
- You're right.
A hundred percent.
I think gay black men should be able
to fuck whoever the fuck we want.
What...
is the consequence?
There are no black babies coming
from the kind of sex I have, okay?
It's all getting flushed.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
The black girls, they try. They try.
I would send them pictures
of my boyfriend
and they would just...
They would ignore that he's white.
They would just be like...
I remember I sent a picture
to my homegirl, Tiffany
and she was like,
"Oh, he got some pretty glasses."
I was like, "Nah, bitch,
it's not the glasses."
Look at the skin...
of my vanilla king.
I didn't call him that,
I didn't call him that.
I didn't call him that.
I'm hiding nothing from you guys.
Now you guys are too much
like my family.
Let's go back to
the audience-performer relationship
we had before.
It's a lot, it's a lot.
It's a lot, I'm really happy
we had this moment of...
My brother texted me earlier today
and said...
"I'm missing my first special taping.
But I know it's necessary.
I love you."
That's very sweet.
I love him, he's there for me
as much as he can be.
It's not...
He tries, he tries and I love him.
You know, I love him a lot,
I love Joe so much, you know.
He's all I got
in a lot of this, and...
You know...
I wish he'd try harder,
I'm probably a little mad at him.
A little bit mad, he's my big brother
he's supposed to protect me.
He loves me despite...
That's the thing.
It's a little condescending,
you know?
It's love with an asterisk.
Like, "Oh, I don't really fuck with
the gay shit, but I still love you."
That's that masculine shit,
like that, "You know, I'm really..."
You know, I could feel
the distance between us.
And I hate that because no one...
no one would want that.
It makes me feel unwanted.
It makes me feel like
something is wrong with me.
It's like he's looking down on me
and accepting me despite.
It's especially hurtful
just because I make...
so much more money than this nigga.
Like, it's not even close. Like...
I don't want to be gross
and talk about money
but the difference is millions
and millions of dollars.
I love my brother a lot.
He's a nice guy.
Nice as...
I'm saying that.
He has five kids.
Who I love a lot.
A lot, my nieces mean a lot to me.
My oldest niece, Joliet is...
She's 14 now.
And I love... I like talking to her,
I think she's so smart, and...
she's really beautiful, her face
reminds me of my mom's, and...
And all of the... My... I have...
a 5-year-old niece,
and then 4-year-old twin nieces.
And I love them,
I like spending time with them
because I'm not hiding anything
when I'm with them.
I'm just with them.
You know, we're just there playing.
We're just eating ice cream,
or they're trying to braid my hair.
They are easy to talk
about it with, you know?
Joliet, there's no pretense. It's...
It's harder with the older ones.
I came out to my dad again.
I say "again" because he forgets.
He... It's cognitive dissonance,
you have to, like...
I have to remind him,
I have to re-up every so often.
There's a part of him
that likes that I came out.
Like, I don't think he necessarily
wants a gay son
but he just likes that me coming out
takes some of the heat off him.
Like, when he first found out,
he was like, "Oh, no. It's cool.
You know, I fucked up, you fucked up.
You know.
You gay, I did what I did. You know.
Que ser, you know?"
My father's dream is that I'm bi.
That's all he wants.
That's really all he wants.
It's that...
Just... There is just that hope
somewhere on the horizon,
that I'm still getting pussy.
That's all he wants.
He's probably actually disappointed
in both of me and my brother.
Like, he's probably
looking at us, like
"Wait, so, you gay?
And you only fuck your wife?
What kind of nerds
am I raising here?"
I told my dad...
I said, "I know two things
for a fact.
I will never be an astronaut.
And I'm a gay man."
And you know what my father said?
He said...
"Don't give up on the moon, son."
I hid it from my mom
for the most part.
I was afraid
that...
her reaction
would be to just go inside with it.
I love her a lot, I love her dearly.
And I'm trying to describe her
without sounding clich
and describe the love
that I have for her.
I really feel like
I was one of her closest friends.
I feel like
I've always looked out for her.
I remember on the call...
the last time I...
talked about being gay with my mom,
she said...
"I can't go against Jesus."
It just bothers me. It just...
And I get it, I get it,
because she's...
She's doing the best she can.
I think she's...
she's trying to accept...
I don't know what she's trying to do.
I...
I think she's trying to accept it.
I...
Part of me knows she's, like, at home
trying to pray the gay away.
I get a little mad sometimes.
Anytime I don't match
with a dude on Raya
I'm like,
"I bet that bitch over there...
praying to God."
I feel it too, I feel it too.
I, you know...
It fucks with me because, you know
this is a religion
that I still believe in.
I'm still a Christian,
and it's taken a lot.
It's taken a whole lot,
you know, because...
I've had to reconfigure God,
and what God is
and what he means, you know,
in order to accept myself.
I had to kind of rebuild.
And with my mom...
I'm sorry, a lot of it
is not really...
It's kind of happening in real time,
so it's not totally worked out.
Forgive me.
- All good. It's all good.
- All good.
She's...
I think she's...
She thinks not reacting
is the best reaction.
I think she's been rewarded...
she's been rewarded for...
staying quiet, you know?
Like with her dad,
so she gives me nothing.
Even hate.
Even hate starts to feel like love
because that's acknowledgment.
It's not just nice,
it's not pleasant.
It's real and... that feels...
I... think that would feel better,
like, I wish she would yell at me
I wish she would tell me
to not come home.
I wish she'd call me a faggot,
like my Uncle June Bug did.
Yeah.
It hurt my feelings, but I was like,
"Nigga, your name June Bug." Like...
I'd rather get called a faggot
than June Bug.
Anything...
She's nice.
She's sweet.
She ignores it.
The worst of her is cold,
like really, really cold.
I mean, she's a nice lady, but like
there's a part of her
that's, like, really...
She can shut people out.
She can ignore,
she can block and, like, go inside.
I'd love to give her all the time
in the world, you know?
I don't know how much time...
it would take.
I don't know how much time
we have left, you know?
Just in general, you know,
that one of my biggest fears is...
my parents' funeral.
Just the thought of one of them dying
without saying everything
without contending,
without expressing it all.
And I mean, my mom, she's in her...
early sixties, and she has time,
and, you know, she's...
I also just don't know
if that's when people change.
Like...
Maybe, I don't know.
Part of me feels like
it sounds like a joke.
But, like, part of me feels like
if I ask my mom to change
this much about her is like...
You ever see, like, a 90-year-old
get a college degree?
On the news.
And you're like, "Bitch, now?"
Like...
"Okay, yeah. Okay, good luck
in the fucking job market."
Like, I don't want to tell
but it's not that
I don't find hope for change.
But I think even if she was young,
you know...
there's a part of my mom
that's very, very cold.
I know it because I have it,
I can be that.
You know?
That's why, my last real secret
is that I'm...
People think I'm nice.
Nah, I'm like my mom.
Fuck everybody.
Very selfish.
Very... selfish.
I smile.
Very polite about it,
I lie to everybody face.
"No, no, we should get dinner!"
You know, lies?
How you lie to people?
You know?
Because you can't just go out.
I'm afraid of not...
Man, just like my mom
is that performance
of, like, who you're supposed to be.
Like, I'm afraid of not smiling.
I smile a lot.
I feel like if I don't smile
I look like the niggas
who shot Malcolm X.
I know.
I'm afraid of things...
I'm afraid of things getting...
awkward.
I think...
like weird.
Like, even this moment, I'm like
"All right, man. I should probably
think of a joke." You know.
"It's just falling apart out here,
and..."
No, no.
I stayed in the closet
for a long time.
I think because of my mom,
I felt like...
I mean, it's not like
I could bring a dude home to her
so what's the point?
You know?
But as much as she believes in God,
I believe in...
personal growth, I think. And...
and feeling free, I... feel freer.
And I...
We say things like, you know...
"Sometimes you grow
and you gotta leave people behind.
People are in your life
for a reason or a season."
Or these kinds of clich sayings.
It's hard when that person
is your mom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think I carry...
I carry some guilt...
I think because I was complicit.
And the lie, I guess.
I thought I was protecting her.
I always felt like
my mom's protector, you know?
I always felt like...
I'm trying to explain this concept,
I always felt like the...
like the material...
I always felt like the result
of her prayers.
My mom, one of her...
favorite bible verses is...
I think it's Jeremiah Chapter 33.
"Ask me and I will tell you things
that you don't know
and can't find out."
I think without my mom's approval...
I'd like to believe I will be okay.
I think I've spent a lot of time
trying to supplement that love.
And I'm very thankful
because I have some
very, very good friends.
Really, really good people
who are there.
I think it's something
that I kind of search for, I think.
When there's a distance
between me and my mom
it's the times when
I feel the most like an orphan.
I feel...
I feel abandoned...
I'm sorry, that laugh was fake.
I don't know, I keep...
I'm trying to make jokes to...
I wish this moment
weren't so weird, man.
Because I think like,
man, what do I want from her?
I know she'll see this.
I don't know what will happen.
You guys got any ideas?
No, but what... I don't know...
I don't know what else to...
I've been trying
to be very honest because...
my whole life was
shrouded in secrets.
And...
I figured the only route
I haven't tried was the truth.
So I'm saying everything.
Here's everything.
I feel okay.
I'm very thankful for tonight.
Rothaniel.
My name's Rothaniel.
Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
- We love you, Rothaniel.
- Thank you.
Translator: IYUNO
Hello.
- Man.
- We were waiting for you.
- I'm happy you're here.
- Yeah, baby.
I'm really happy you're here,
I'm happy all of you are here.
I have so much to tell you.
- I'm comfortable.
- You're comfortable?
You can talk back to me,
I want you guys to feel that...
This only works
if we feel like family.
- Yes.
- You see, it only works, I know
it's the camera's here,
and it's a whole thing.
It's a big night,
it's a lot of pressure.
That kind of thing, you know?
I want you guys to feel
as comfortable as I hope to be.
You know? We got a lot of shit
to talk about.
I'm happy you're here.
I need you, I have...
I want to talk about...
secrets!
Secrets.
I should whisper it, right?
I carried a lot of secrets
my whole life.
I, like... I feel like
I was birthed into them.
One of my biggest...
One of my last-held secrets
is my name.
My name is not Jerrod.
What?
Welcome to the show, everybody. I...
I thought we were
being honest tonight.
Jerrod's my middle name.
I was given the name Jerrod
by my brother, Joe.
He's, like,
seven years older than me.
They just trusted a kid
to name a kid, but whatever.
I'm thankful for that.
Without him,
I'd have to go by my real name.
My first name.
Which we don't talk about.
It's not... It is not good.
It's not good, I don't like it.
I've always hated that name.
No one calls me that
except for my mom.
My dad named me...
He combined his dad's first name
and my mom's dad's first name.
And mushed them together.
Not to make something elegant.
Like, you know, William Edward
or something like that.
It's more like...
Toyotathon.
I hate that name,
I've hidden that name my whole life.
Like, I'm... I used to...
I used to get it removed
from the yearbook.
Every year in high school,
I would bribe somebody.
It'd cost me $20.
To get my first name taken out of it.
I never let people see
my driver's license.
I had it taken off my bank cards.
I've always been ashamed of it.
I've always hidden it.
And it's funny
because it's a name given to me
to honor two people, right?
Like, it's supposed to be this gift
to both my granddads.
And it almost seemed
kind of fucked up that I hide that.
That I, like, tuck it away.
But that's because you don't know
my grandfathers.
If you knew them...
you'd know keeping a secret
is the only way to honor them.
Like, that's kind of who they were.
They were granddads. I...
I'm named after two men who mostly...
Most of their lives
most of their sex lives,
at least, were secrets.
Like, my mom's dad had four kids
with my mom's mom, his wife.
And four kids
outside of that marriage.
Just kind of scattered about.
My dad's dad had five kids
with his wife.
And
about 23...
outside of the marriage.
Yeah, I come from a long line
of cool niggas.
Twenty-three, twenty-three.
Dillon, South Carolina.
Jim Gowens is his name.
We don't have the same last name
because my dad was an outside kid.
Yeah... he was...
There's no easy way to say
your grandma was a side piece.
It's...
Like, I wanna...
I wanna say it was something else.
Like, they'd prefer I used terms
like affair and whatever
but nah, that's not what it was.
She was fucking a married nigga
and that's just...
She had...
So my grandma had three kids
by a married man.
My Uncle Pete, my dad, my Aunt Nell.
And his wife found out.
And confronted my grandma about it.
I like to think it was, like,
on some Color Purple shit
like she crossed the field
and was like, "Whatever."
But she confronted my grandma
and demanded that she stop sleeping
with her man.
And my grandma...
fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat.
I think she's where I get
my ambition from.
My Aunt Cat is proud of that,
by the way.
Like, she'll tell everybody
her origin story, she's like, "Yeah."
And she said, "Don't nobody tell me
who to sleep with.
And then, she fucked him again
and had me out of spite.
That's me, I'm the spite baby."
She loves that shit.
But we don't really talk about it.
We don't really talk about it,
my dad doesn't really know his dad.
You know,
but he still felt enough pride
to, you know, name me after him.
My mom's dad was also like a cheater
but she... she lived in the house
that he was cheating from.
You know.
And so, when you're that family
you learn not to say shit,
you know. My...
My mom...
I guess, learned from her mom.
Just... I'm trying to paint a picture
of a world before Destiny's Child.
Where...
Where, you know,
women got cheated on and it...
It didn't play out
like a Terry McMillan novel.
It was much more quiet than that.
They... They just kind of existed
with the secret.
They knew, but they didn't know.
It's weird,
it's like generations of that.
Generations of just seeing things,
not seeing things.
I saw my parents' sex tape.
This is kind of
a side tangent, but...
I was about 12 years old,
I came home from school early.
I would watch, like, my dad...
If you got, like, a dad
or an older brother
you know, they might've had
a porn stash, this was the '90s.
My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box.
In the bedroom closet,
on the top shelf
beside a gun and a jar of nickels.
And I remember putting this tape in,
and, like...
it was about 15 seconds
before I started recognizing
the bedroom.
I know those sheets,
they got lemons on them.
But that's the thing,
I never told my family.
I never told my parents
that I'd seen that.
It's odd because, you know, it's one
of those things that you just...
You can't talk about sex
with your parents.
Not that anybody really wants to,
but you just can't.
And you're only here
because your parents fucked
isn't that kind of funny?
Your dad came in your mom,
and you're here.
But you gotta, like...
Have you ever been watching a movie
with your parents
and, like, a sex scene came on
and you just got to be, like,
"Nope. No, it's not."
Things that exist but don't exist.
It's things that,
like, are right there
hiding in plain sight.
My father had me and my brother
with my mom.
And...
And then, he had four kids
with a bitch named Renita.
It's not that I hate her name.
It's just that it sounds like
a villain in a Tyler Perry movie.
And other kids, he had other kids.
My dad was,
he was really out there, man.
He was really, really out there.
And I knew about it
since I was a kid.
It was a small town, and... it's...
You know, it's a secret that
he thought he was keeping
from the family.
He thought he was doing a good job
keeping the secret. So, you know?
But I found out, I never told him.
I didn't tell him that I knew.
My brother found out,
he didn't tell him.
It's funny to live in a house
with someone...
knowing who they are.
Knowing that they're, you know,
cheating on your mom
and... not saying anything to him.
He used to...
He used to go out on Friday nights
he would say he was going to work.
My dad is a truck driver.
Which, by the way,
if you're cheating on your wife
and you're looking for a profession
that allows...
just long, blackout dates.
Get your CDLs and hit the road.
I really recommend it.
He would...
He would say he was going
to a "second job" on Friday nights.
But, like, he would get dressed up
and I mean dressed up by, like,
North Carolina dad standards.
He'd, like, tuck his T-shirt
into his jeans.
But he would say he was going to work
with cologne on.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Like, it's just, like...
a liar.
And it would just leave me as a kid
like, knowing that... It's weird...
It's weird to know it.
To know, to really, really know...
and not say anything, I was scared.
I didn't know...
I didn't know what to say. I...
I don't know what I could've done.
I... My...
I don't know if I would've
said anything if I had the courage
you know,
because I only saw this secret as...
something that could've torn
our family apart.
Like, you know, if my mom found out
I thought it would be...
it would be over.
He was fucking my homeboy TJ's aunt.
It was this story TJ told me about
and that's hard because TJ,
he didn't want to snitch.
You know, It's just... like,
you're in the hood, like, you know
nobody in the hood...
I didn't want to snitch!
He told me, he was like, "Man...
I came home from school the other day
and I went to my aunt's house...
and your pop was just there
on the couch."
Like, what?
He's like,
"Yeah... he was just on the couch."
He saw my dad sitting on the couch.
He walks in,
he's excited to see my dad.
He knows my dad very well,
they used to play Madden together.
Like... He knows him, he's like,
"Mr. Carmichael
what are you doing here?"
And my dad, being caught,
under pressure.
You know what he did?
He just squinted his eyes
and pretended he was somebody else.
I don't know how
that was supposed to work.
He... He literally was just like,
"Mr. Carmichael?
I don't know
who you're talking about."
He just grabbed his shit
and got the fuck out of there.
My father.
And TJ was there with his aunt
and he said,
"Do you know who that was?
That's my best friend's dad,
that's Joe Carmichael."
And she said, "Joe Carmichael?
He told me his name was Jerry Rice."
That's right.
That's right,
my father was telling bitches...
his name was Hall of Fame,
wide receiver Jerry Rice.
Do you know how absurd that is?
And I got so many questions,
things he won't talk about.
Like, did you say it?
Did you act surprised?
Did you go, like, "What?
There's another Jerry Rice?"
Did you...
Like, was it all part of the game?
Did he go, like,
"Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice.
I know, I know.
I get it all the time."
Like, how did he react?
He was a wild man,
he was really out there.
Really, really out there.
Just holding it in,
just holding it all in.
He had a double
or triple bypass surgery.
I guess that's where it went.
It's fine, hey, I'm paying
for his health insurance.
Don't groan for the man.
I'm, like,
keeping him alive right now.
I made him tell my mom.
It became too much, you know.
It's a secret that I think
I was happy keeping as a child
because I thought it made sense
for the family.
But then, it was embarrassing,
first of all, you know.
Just like, know...
Because people knew.
It seems like everyone knew,
but my mom.
You know?
And that's really tough
because my mom's very sweet,
loving, trusting, Christian.
God-fearing woman
who was just standing by her man,
trusting her husband.
And my dad was just, you know,
he was really out there.
I got...
really drunk in London.
And...
I was like, "This is... It's time.
I'mma confront him about it."
You know.
And it's hard, this was hard
because this is a tough man.
Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun
in the closet, by the porn.
And it's not...
It's not easy, it's not easy. I...
I was really afraid.
But I remember starting
the call saying
"Listen, this will all go well
as long as you don't lie to me."
And...
And I was just, you know,
almost in tears
and just so emotional.
"I know about everything, man.
I know... I know about Renita...
and the kids and the blah..."
You know?
You know what he said?
He actually said
"I always knew you'd be the one."
That's what he said, he knew.
So I made him tell my mom.
He waited until I was back home
in North Carolina to tell her.
Fucking pussy.
I know, that's a pussy thing
to do, right?
He waited, he needed the support.
He waited until I was home.
And this was his big plan
to tell my mom.
He was like... He was like,
"Okay, so you and your brother
you take her out to dinner.
And then...
I'mma stay home, and then you
bring her back from dinner.
You drop her off
she'll come in the house,
and then I'mma tell her."
And I was like, "Okay.
You want me to, like, hide a gun
behind the toilet too?"
What kind of Godfather plan is this?
But I went along with it,
it took a lot for him.
That dinner was the worst dinner
I've ever had before
in my entire life, bro.
I took my mom
to a hibachi restaurant.
Mind you, so earlier that day
I had taken my nieces
to see the Trolls movie.
I love going to the movies
with my nieces, it's the best.
They're not my kids,
so I can just get high
and do fun shit with them,
it's the best.
And we'd seen the Trolls movie
and I don't know if you've seen it,
spoiler alert.
But if you have...
The premise is that these
are, like, these colorful trolls
that are, like, singing
and all types of shit.
And if something devastating
happens to them
they lose all of their color.
And I remember thinking
that the whole dinner
like, that whole night
is just looking at my mom.
Just looking in her eyes, just going,
"She's going to lose her color."
It was really, really scary.
Mind you, all of this happened
at a hibachi grill.
So, like, I'm looking in her eyes,
but there's a, like, flame
and we gotta clap
every couple minutes, like...
He's, like, juggling salt
and pepper shakers.
Like, "Yay, okay. My mom
is about to be fucking destroyed
but this is a great trick."
I get mad when I don't get
a Japanese chef.
Sometimes they're, like, Mexican
and they're just
passing them off as...
Anyway.
How many Japanese chefs are there
in North Carolina?
I'm piecing this together now.
I brought her home.
I dropped her off.
I went to my brother's house.
And we waited
by the phone very, very anxiously.
Me, my brother,
and my sister-in-law just waited.
Very nervous.
And then my mom called.
I could hear in her voice
that she'd been crying.
And...
And I'll never forget,
she's just said...
Her first words were,
"I'm okay, I'm okay."
And he... told her.
Begged for her forgiveness,
she forgave him.
She stayed.
It's kind of anti-climactic, I know.
She actually made him breakfast
the next morning.
I'll never forget that fact.
And mostly because it's
an embarrassing fact to admit that...
It's not how I thought
the story would play out.
It's somehow worse.
But it was out in the open.
And once that was done,
I was left alone...
feeling like a liar.
Because I had a secret.
One that I kept from my mother
and my father, and my family,
my friends.
And you, all of you.
Professionally, personally.
And the secret is that I'm gay.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Thank you for that. No, that...
- We love you!
That...
- We love you.
- No, that's very sweet.
- I really appreciate that.
- We mean it.
- We love you so much.
- No... It means a lot.
It means a lot,
and I'm accepting the love
but I really appreciate the love,
you know? My...
My, kind of, ego...
wants to rebel against it, you know?
You clap, and you're very sweet
and you're very kind,
and I appreciate it.
Part of me wants to be like
"I'm fucking gay,
I'm not fucking retarded."
You know, like, get all mad.
Because I can feel it, bro.
I can feel it.
There's a lot
that happens coming out.
Like, I'm telling you, guys.
And I know some of y'all, like,
"I see the Yankee fitteds."
Like, some of y'all are just like,
"Oh, shit. We at a gay show, bro?"
This is for HBO. Like...
You know how many niggas
just turned the TV off?
Saying to their girl right now,
"We gotta watch something else?"
Like, y'all clapped.
A lot of you clapped and you felt it.
Some of you didn't really wanna clap.
You were just like,
"We got to do that shit.
We're in New York
and there's cameras." Like...
That's okay. That's okay, I get it.
I get it, I came out to my friends.
We love you.
- We love you!
- Good job, man.
- I wanna accept that, you know?
- Yeah, you should.
It feels like I didn't earn it.
It's like, what did I do?
Suck a Dominican dude's dick?
And then y'all clapped for that.
You know?
Because I rebelled against that.
I really did, bro,
I rebelled against it my whole life.
Like, I never thought I'd come out.
I didn't think I'd ever... come out.
I...
Probably at many points in my life
I thought I'd rather die
than confront the truth of that.
I didn't actually say it to people
because I know. It's...
It changes people's...
Some people,
it changes their perception of me.
I can't control that.
You know, I'm from
an environment where...
I was kind of raised to be a man.
Whatever that means.
Didn't expect gay babies,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, nobody...
You don't see old ladies looking
at a toddler being, like
"Oh, look at his cheeks.
I bet he's going to be a top.
Get that baby some prep now."
Yo.
Yo.
No, yo... I feel you, bro.
I'm with you. I'm with you, bro.
I'm from the hood.
Sometimes, I'll be in the shower like
"Oh, nigga, I'm really gay.
I'm really out here.
Oh, fuck, dude."
"Fuck!"
You know?
Shit is shocking to me too.
I didn't know.
It's fucked up all my relationships.
I had a boyfriend, me and that nigga
talked to each other like men.
We'd say shit like,
"I want to suck your dick, bro."
None of that gay shit over here.
Sometimes we're making out
and just whispering "no homo"
to each other.
Just tonguing that nigga down
being like, "Pause."
I feel you, I feel you.
I got mostly straight friends.
Them niggas
didn't want to hear that shit.
My homeboy, Jamar, said...
This is one of my best friends,
one of my best friends.
I... I let him sleep on my couch
when he needed it.
I was always there for him.
He told me he felt like
he was tricked
into having a gay best friend.
He said, "I would've never
signed up for this."
And I said,
"Nigga, you owe me $85,000."
Got to accept love, man.
I need the love, I need it.
I need it, I need to feel that.
I was really out here lying, though.
That's the thing,
I came out too late.
- A little too late.
- Yes.
That "it gets better" shit
is for the kids.
Like, that's not for an adult man
figuring himself out.
Like, they don't want that,
nobody wants that shit.
All my friends felt like
I was just duplicitous.
Like, I was just lying to them,
they didn't know who I was.
They all reacted like Sally Field
in Mrs. Doubtfire.
They were like, "The whole time?"
Like, they were very...
mad about that shit.
It cleared up my relationship
with all my black homegirls.
My friend, Ashley, told me,
before I came out she could sense it.
She was like
"Please just tell me you're gay,
so this all makes sense."
I guess there's only so many times
you can, like, FaceTime a woman
to see if your outfit looks okay.
Before they start having
some questions and...
They were the toughest, I'll say
like, black women were
the toughest people to come out to.
But also the most supportive.
I'm very, very thankful for all
of the black ladies in my life
you know, who supported me
through that, through all of it.
All of it.
They're not...
They're not homophobic at all.
They're racist as a motherfucker.
They don't like that I had
a white boyfriend.
Oh, my, see? You see what I'm saying?
You see that change?
You can be gay, but nigga, what?
Oh, you date white boys, really?
Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise.
No more secrets,
I'm going to tell y'all.
Yeah, yeah. Yes!
What?
She feels...
You heard her say, "Wow?"
That's the sound of a black woman
that feels doubly betrayed.
My sister is on that shit too.
Listen, you can't...
I'm used to it,
I grew up just in the hood
on some, like,
real strong masculine shit.
It's... It plays out.
Look, I'll say this.
I actually think that...
it's important to say this,
I believe in the black family.
I think that black men
should marry black women
and have black babies,
and raise them to be smart.
Just good citizens, educated.
I think that's very, very important.
- Amen.
- You're right.
A hundred percent.
I think gay black men should be able
to fuck whoever the fuck we want.
What...
is the consequence?
There are no black babies coming
from the kind of sex I have, okay?
It's all getting flushed.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
The black girls, they try. They try.
I would send them pictures
of my boyfriend
and they would just...
They would ignore that he's white.
They would just be like...
I remember I sent a picture
to my homegirl, Tiffany
and she was like,
"Oh, he got some pretty glasses."
I was like, "Nah, bitch,
it's not the glasses."
Look at the skin...
of my vanilla king.
I didn't call him that,
I didn't call him that.
I didn't call him that.
I'm hiding nothing from you guys.
Now you guys are too much
like my family.
Let's go back to
the audience-performer relationship
we had before.
It's a lot, it's a lot.
It's a lot, I'm really happy
we had this moment of...
My brother texted me earlier today
and said...
"I'm missing my first special taping.
But I know it's necessary.
I love you."
That's very sweet.
I love him, he's there for me
as much as he can be.
It's not...
He tries, he tries and I love him.
You know, I love him a lot,
I love Joe so much, you know.
He's all I got
in a lot of this, and...
You know...
I wish he'd try harder,
I'm probably a little mad at him.
A little bit mad, he's my big brother
he's supposed to protect me.
He loves me despite...
That's the thing.
It's a little condescending,
you know?
It's love with an asterisk.
Like, "Oh, I don't really fuck with
the gay shit, but I still love you."
That's that masculine shit,
like that, "You know, I'm really..."
You know, I could feel
the distance between us.
And I hate that because no one...
no one would want that.
It makes me feel unwanted.
It makes me feel like
something is wrong with me.
It's like he's looking down on me
and accepting me despite.
It's especially hurtful
just because I make...
so much more money than this nigga.
Like, it's not even close. Like...
I don't want to be gross
and talk about money
but the difference is millions
and millions of dollars.
I love my brother a lot.
He's a nice guy.
Nice as...
I'm saying that.
He has five kids.
Who I love a lot.
A lot, my nieces mean a lot to me.
My oldest niece, Joliet is...
She's 14 now.
And I love... I like talking to her,
I think she's so smart, and...
she's really beautiful, her face
reminds me of my mom's, and...
And all of the... My... I have...
a 5-year-old niece,
and then 4-year-old twin nieces.
And I love them,
I like spending time with them
because I'm not hiding anything
when I'm with them.
I'm just with them.
You know, we're just there playing.
We're just eating ice cream,
or they're trying to braid my hair.
They are easy to talk
about it with, you know?
Joliet, there's no pretense. It's...
It's harder with the older ones.
I came out to my dad again.
I say "again" because he forgets.
He... It's cognitive dissonance,
you have to, like...
I have to remind him,
I have to re-up every so often.
There's a part of him
that likes that I came out.
Like, I don't think he necessarily
wants a gay son
but he just likes that me coming out
takes some of the heat off him.
Like, when he first found out,
he was like, "Oh, no. It's cool.
You know, I fucked up, you fucked up.
You know.
You gay, I did what I did. You know.
Que ser, you know?"
My father's dream is that I'm bi.
That's all he wants.
That's really all he wants.
It's that...
Just... There is just that hope
somewhere on the horizon,
that I'm still getting pussy.
That's all he wants.
He's probably actually disappointed
in both of me and my brother.
Like, he's probably
looking at us, like
"Wait, so, you gay?
And you only fuck your wife?
What kind of nerds
am I raising here?"
I told my dad...
I said, "I know two things
for a fact.
I will never be an astronaut.
And I'm a gay man."
And you know what my father said?
He said...
"Don't give up on the moon, son."
I hid it from my mom
for the most part.
I was afraid
that...
her reaction
would be to just go inside with it.
I love her a lot, I love her dearly.
And I'm trying to describe her
without sounding clich
and describe the love
that I have for her.
I really feel like
I was one of her closest friends.
I feel like
I've always looked out for her.
I remember on the call...
the last time I...
talked about being gay with my mom,
she said...
"I can't go against Jesus."
It just bothers me. It just...
And I get it, I get it,
because she's...
She's doing the best she can.
I think she's...
she's trying to accept...
I don't know what she's trying to do.
I...
I think she's trying to accept it.
I...
Part of me knows she's, like, at home
trying to pray the gay away.
I get a little mad sometimes.
Anytime I don't match
with a dude on Raya
I'm like,
"I bet that bitch over there...
praying to God."
I feel it too, I feel it too.
I, you know...
It fucks with me because, you know
this is a religion
that I still believe in.
I'm still a Christian,
and it's taken a lot.
It's taken a whole lot,
you know, because...
I've had to reconfigure God,
and what God is
and what he means, you know,
in order to accept myself.
I had to kind of rebuild.
And with my mom...
I'm sorry, a lot of it
is not really...
It's kind of happening in real time,
so it's not totally worked out.
Forgive me.
- All good. It's all good.
- All good.
She's...
I think she's...
She thinks not reacting
is the best reaction.
I think she's been rewarded...
she's been rewarded for...
staying quiet, you know?
Like with her dad,
so she gives me nothing.
Even hate.
Even hate starts to feel like love
because that's acknowledgment.
It's not just nice,
it's not pleasant.
It's real and... that feels...
I... think that would feel better,
like, I wish she would yell at me
I wish she would tell me
to not come home.
I wish she'd call me a faggot,
like my Uncle June Bug did.
Yeah.
It hurt my feelings, but I was like,
"Nigga, your name June Bug." Like...
I'd rather get called a faggot
than June Bug.
Anything...
She's nice.
She's sweet.
She ignores it.
The worst of her is cold,
like really, really cold.
I mean, she's a nice lady, but like
there's a part of her
that's, like, really...
She can shut people out.
She can ignore,
she can block and, like, go inside.
I'd love to give her all the time
in the world, you know?
I don't know how much time...
it would take.
I don't know how much time
we have left, you know?
Just in general, you know,
that one of my biggest fears is...
my parents' funeral.
Just the thought of one of them dying
without saying everything
without contending,
without expressing it all.
And I mean, my mom, she's in her...
early sixties, and she has time,
and, you know, she's...
I also just don't know
if that's when people change.
Like...
Maybe, I don't know.
Part of me feels like
it sounds like a joke.
But, like, part of me feels like
if I ask my mom to change
this much about her is like...
You ever see, like, a 90-year-old
get a college degree?
On the news.
And you're like, "Bitch, now?"
Like...
"Okay, yeah. Okay, good luck
in the fucking job market."
Like, I don't want to tell
but it's not that
I don't find hope for change.
But I think even if she was young,
you know...
there's a part of my mom
that's very, very cold.
I know it because I have it,
I can be that.
You know?
That's why, my last real secret
is that I'm...
People think I'm nice.
Nah, I'm like my mom.
Fuck everybody.
Very selfish.
Very... selfish.
I smile.
Very polite about it,
I lie to everybody face.
"No, no, we should get dinner!"
You know, lies?
How you lie to people?
You know?
Because you can't just go out.
I'm afraid of not...
Man, just like my mom
is that performance
of, like, who you're supposed to be.
Like, I'm afraid of not smiling.
I smile a lot.
I feel like if I don't smile
I look like the niggas
who shot Malcolm X.
I know.
I'm afraid of things...
I'm afraid of things getting...
awkward.
I think...
like weird.
Like, even this moment, I'm like
"All right, man. I should probably
think of a joke." You know.
"It's just falling apart out here,
and..."
No, no.
I stayed in the closet
for a long time.
I think because of my mom,
I felt like...
I mean, it's not like
I could bring a dude home to her
so what's the point?
You know?
But as much as she believes in God,
I believe in...
personal growth, I think. And...
and feeling free, I... feel freer.
And I...
We say things like, you know...
"Sometimes you grow
and you gotta leave people behind.
People are in your life
for a reason or a season."
Or these kinds of clich sayings.
It's hard when that person
is your mom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think I carry...
I carry some guilt...
I think because I was complicit.
And the lie, I guess.
I thought I was protecting her.
I always felt like
my mom's protector, you know?
I always felt like...
I'm trying to explain this concept,
I always felt like the...
like the material...
I always felt like the result
of her prayers.
My mom, one of her...
favorite bible verses is...
I think it's Jeremiah Chapter 33.
"Ask me and I will tell you things
that you don't know
and can't find out."
I think without my mom's approval...
I'd like to believe I will be okay.
I think I've spent a lot of time
trying to supplement that love.
And I'm very thankful
because I have some
very, very good friends.
Really, really good people
who are there.
I think it's something
that I kind of search for, I think.
When there's a distance
between me and my mom
it's the times when
I feel the most like an orphan.
I feel...
I feel abandoned...
I'm sorry, that laugh was fake.
I don't know, I keep...
I'm trying to make jokes to...
I wish this moment
weren't so weird, man.
Because I think like,
man, what do I want from her?
I know she'll see this.
I don't know what will happen.
You guys got any ideas?
No, but what... I don't know...
I don't know what else to...
I've been trying
to be very honest because...
my whole life was
shrouded in secrets.
And...
I figured the only route
I haven't tried was the truth.
So I'm saying everything.
Here's everything.
I feel okay.
I'm very thankful for tonight.
Rothaniel.
My name's Rothaniel.
Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
- We love you, Rothaniel.
- Thank you.
Translator: IYUNO