Jewel Of The Nile, The (1985) Movie Script
It was a day like no other.
It was a day I had always dreamed of.
A day I would never forget.
Will you marry this woman
and take her to your heart,
forever devoted and forever young?
I will.
And will you marry this man
and take him to your heart,
forever devoted and forever young?
I will.
Would you now place the ring on her finger?
I now declare...
What a shame we had uninvited guests.
I'll have what I came for this day!
Jack politely asked him to leave.
Kiss steel, bastard!
Jack!
Hold tight! I'm coming!
His temper flared,
but he fought like a gentleman.
My one true love had fought bravely,
but it wasn't enough.
There was only room for one more.
It was either my love or myself.
- You take it, my love.
- Never! Those maggots will not have you.
They will not have me for long.
I have consumption
and will be dead before the year is out.
You were gonna marry me
with consumption? Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to spoil things.
- Go.
- No!
Live to fight another day.
Whatever makes you happy.
With Jack, my happiness always came first.
I faced my fate alone.
The 10 turned to 20, the 20 to 40.
Could this be the end of
my freedom, my salvation, my...
Hey, gorgeous!
Hiya, Joanie!
What happened?
"Was this the end of my freedom,
my salvation?"
My career?
Gorgeous day. Huh, gorgeous?
We got blue skies,
nice warm water and a cold beer.
Honey, did you get any more Buds?
No, I just didn't have time today
to ravage the Riviera for your beer.
- Tough day, huh?
- Yeah, you could say it was tough.
But then when the going gets tough,
the tough...
I don't know what the tough do.
I don't know what the pirates do,
or what anybody does.
- Jack...
- Oh, honey. I know, baby. I know.
Look out there. What do you see?
- Bloomingdale's?
- No.
Greece.
Yeah. Mykonos, Lesbos, ouzo, olive oil.
Honey, we're going.
Wait. I thought you said that
we were going back to New York for a while.
Absolutely.
When the summer's over we're going.
Oh, Jack, we've been on this boat
half a year now. I need shore leave.
I promised Gloria I'd finish that book
three months ago, and I can't.
I don't know what happens next.
I thought you wanted
to sail around the world with me.
Well, I do, but not all of it this week.
I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur.
Exotic ports and great parties
and spectacular sunsets...
It's not enough.
It's not enough?!
You sound like someone who's got what they
wanted and now don't want what they got.
- I wanna do something serious.
- Serious? Come on!
How much romance can one woman take?
Joan Wilder?
From your most devoted friend.
Thank you.
"This afternoon we shall meet... awaiting
the moment." What's this afternoon?
- Must be somebody coming to the reception.
- That's not till next Tuesday.
This is "next Tuesday", Jack.
- Jack, you said you were getting a car.
- If I knew it was Tuesday, I would've. Sorry.
That's all right.
Whaddaya say we spin that roulette wheel
while we're there?
Sounds great.
Jack.
- Yeah?
- She can't leave now.
- Why not?
- What do you mean, "Why not?"
- Oh, my God.
- I'm your biggest fan!
- I read all your books.
- Thank you.
I'm so happy to see you.
- This is my publisher. Gloria Horne.
- Oh, your publisher.
- And this is...
- You are Mr Wilder?
No, I'm Mr Colton. Jack Colton.
What do you do, Mr Colton?
Casino work.
Yeah. I think I'll go downstairs and punch in.
Excuse me, excuse me.
- But...
- I'll be back!
God, I've got to have a drink!
Literary functions are not Jack's speed.
I mean, his favourite author
is the man who wrote "Pull Tab to Open".
- I am his favourite author.
- You saying it's none of my business?
Let me tell you, Jack is not the marrying kind.
I am worried. You're the girl who
never gets a book back late to the library.
You are three months past your deadline.
What gives? Un scotch, double.
My heartjust isn't in it. Romance
just doesn't seem real to me any more.
Real? You don't write "real". You write
about people that sail off into the sunset.
- And the next day when the sun comes up?
- There is no next day in romance.
Stop confusing real life
with a romantic novel.
- Joanie, just finish it.
- I can't.
After 17 books,
I don't know how it ends any more.
Then permit me to tell you.
It doesn't end.
It only begins anew
when you journey down the Nile with me.
- Have you got the right woman?
- No.
My name is Omar Khalifa and I have travelled
- You sent me the flowers.
- They pale by your beauty.
Oh, Mary!
- I read about you.
- Yes, I know. Time magazine.
Well, I'm afraid the Western press
cannot understand the spirit of my vision.
You are a writer. You can understand.
So, Joan Wilder,
you must come and write my story.
I only write romance novels.
Yes. And you haven't finished the one
you're working on right now.
You are a gifted storyteller.
You create heroes in a world of cynics.
Journey down the Nile with me
and I'll give you a chance to record history.
- Come. We must leave today.
- Joanie!
In just four nights I will become Emperor,
and you will have the exclusive story.
- They have emperors on the Nile?
- They do now.
Oh, shit.
So now what are we celebrating?
- The Nile!
- Oh, the Nile.
We've been invited to Africa.
Jack Colton, Omar Khalifa.
How do you do?
He's asked me - me - to write his story.
It's just what I've always wanted to do!
And now Joan's work will receive
the serious attention that it deserves.
And this will be her biggest accomplishment:
My biography.
What's so important there
that you have to write the book now?
- Mr Khalifa has...
- Omar, please.
Omar has been chosen
to unite the tribes of the Nile
and end the strife that has bloodied his land.
He will carry on the work of
the missing Great Redeemer.
- You have listened very well.
- You got all that in 20 minutes?
As a friend of Miss Wilder's,
you are welcome to be my guest also.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Could I talk to you for a minute, please?
I thought you wanted to go to New York.
- That's all changed.
- That fast?
But to write a biography -
it's something important, something real.
- This is what I've been looking for.
- Isn't it a little bit over your head?
I think it's a great chance.
So you got your heart set on it?
Mine's set on Greece.
So when are you gonna leave?
Tonight. He has a private jet and...
Oh, he's got a private jet.
- Oh, what the hell. We had a good run.
- Oh, Jack, come on.
This is just five or four weeks of research.
Maybe you're right. Maybe we need a break.
It's been kind of tough lately.
Yeah. When the going gets tough,
the tough go to Greece.
- Well, I'll write you.
- Where?
Yeah.
Where?
I think I'll go down and
give that roulette wheel one more chance.
You take care of yourself.
And you stay out of trouble.
Look out for her, will ya?
I can offer you this comfort:
She leaves you for a higher purpose.
Yeah.
Free Al-Jawhara!
Don't be frightened. You know,
a man of vision has many enemies.
And my destiny is to outsmart them.
You see?
Like it?
It's OK.
Well, sweetheart, I guess it's just you and me.
Goddamn it, she was the best time I ever had.
Don't cry, scumbag! I'll keep you company.
Cartagena, Colombia!
Long time no... Oh, shit.
- Go ahead. Gimme a reason. Make my year!
- Hey, go easy with the gun.
Did you miss me? I missed you.
You're all I thought about for six months.
They threw me in ajail filled with rejects
from the communicable disease ward.
Every wacko, drippy,
open-sored lowlife was in thatjoint!
All wanting to be my proctologist.
And rats! I'm full of rat bites.
Ten weeks of rabies shots this long and
all I thought of was you, Colton. Just you!
Well, I'm flattered, pal.
And I'm sorry you had such a tough time.
How about 100 bucks?
I'll give you a one-way ticket to Harp Land!
What'd you do with it?
- What are you talking about?
- The stone, moron! I'm cocked!
- Let's talk about this like gentlemen.
- Gentlemen! Did I tell you I got malaria?
Every time I shake, I shake like this. Know
what happens if I shake my trigger finger?
And I feel an attack coming on!
Know what happens if that happens?
It's the end of Mr Lucky. That's the end of...
Holy shit!
Quiet! Next time you'll not be so lucky.
- I am Tarak. You must come with me now.
- What the hell are you?
- Omar steal ourjewel. Al-Jawhara.
- Jewel?
You were invited with the woman. You can
get into Omar's palace. My people cannot.
- What people? What are you talking about?
- You must help me find the Jewel.
- Whatjewel?
- The Jewel of the Nile.
- Our most priceless jewel.
- Oh, thatjewel.
Omar has stolen my people's jewel.
Omar is a very bad man.
Oh, that scum! I spit on him!
Jack, buddy, let's help this nice man
get his jewel back.
- Yes.
- Look, I don't know where you're from,
but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
No, you must come to help find the Jewel
now before Omar kill many people.
As long as Omar have the Jewel,
nothing can stop him.
Look, I'm going on the boat.
You guys can do what you want.
The boat blew up!
My boat blew up.
The boat blew up!
Everything's gone.
Who are you? The Prince of Darkness?
Don't you got any friends?
This is the work of Omar.
- Omar blew up my boat, huh?
- Your woman is in danger, too.
I will take you to him.
- I'm coming, too.
- The hell you are!
Look, you owe me, Colton.
So wherever you're going, I'm going.
Where we going?
Africa.
- Do you recognise my home?
- I wrote this!
Yes! In The Return of the King.
I had the same uniforms designed.
Hello. Hi!
- Is all this yours?
- It belongs to the country. To my people.
Oh.
Why point out the negative?
In three nights in Kadir
the moon will be full,
and all my people will unite behind me
in peace and none of this will be necessary.
- Now let me show you my humble house.
- Thank you.
I'm really blessed. My people love me.
Well, yes. They seem very... enthusiastic.
Oh, this is a good shot for you -
the little boy holding up my picture.
Oh, yeah, that's wonderful.
My humble house.
You must forgive us. We are a poor people.
Everything you need, they will bring you.
Oh, thank you.
Here only strangers say thank you.
Family and friends have no need.
What was that?
Cats. Come.
I have a cat.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Oh, yes, this is OK. Fine.
Here you'll write your masterpiece.
Ah, I have a few questions...
I see the writer is already at work. Good.
Explore your new world.
Feel free to go anywhere and see anything.
Talk to anyone.
I'm glad you're here, Joan.
Together we'll make history.
It's like a fishbowl!
Why do these Third World cesspools
always gotta be so hot, will you tell me that?
Hey, where the hell you going?
Holy shit!
Well, Colton, looks like
we've hitched our wagon to a star.
Stop that! Stop it!
Excuse me?
What does this mean?
- Do you speak English?
- "Give back the Jewel."
- Give back the jewel?
- Yeah. Eid lana Al-Jawhara.
You can't do that! I'm a professional.
We'll see about that.
If you don't tell me
what the hell is going on here,
- I'll be on the first plane back to New York.
- It's impossible.
Tomorrow we journey to Kadir. You must be
there. It will be your most important chapter.
- I can't write if you keep secrets from me.
- What secrets?
What is the Jewel?
The Jewel is a legend.
I am real.
Do not be distracted
from your mission, Joan Wilder.
Make yourself comfortable.
You stay with me until our book is done.
You can't keep me here!
Go. You are free to leave.
Only the worst kind of fool
would attempt our desert alone.
I gotta get off this camel.
It's breaking my ass! Colton!
- You gotta hang on and take it.
- I can't.
- The camp's coming up.
- Shit!
You are welcome!
We have food! We have drink!
You got a toilet?
So how big is this jewel?
Very, very big. Very big. Very, very big.
Very big.
It's as big as this orange?
- It's as big as an orange.
- The Jewel is the heart of our people.
Omar steals the heart of our people.
- Omar is thief.
- Omar is very bad man.
Before Omar steal Jewel, everything good.
Now everything is shit!
You help us find the Jewel,
and we give you great reward.
But if you lie to us, you die.
But now we dance!
Look at these guys, Colton.
No sheep is safe tonight.
We split it right down the middle,
Colton. 50-50.
What are you talking about?
Don't play stupid with me, partner.
The Jewel.
And don't you even think of
messing with me.
Oh, what's that I hear?
A heart breaking? You sap!
Keep your mind on business.
You'll wind up getting yourself killed
over some broad who dumped you.
Jewels!
Oh, Omar!
I want you lot to be careful!
See that word "Fragile" on the side?
It means don't drop... Why don't you listen?
I might love your country, your culture,
and even your people! That means I love you!
But you drop one more of my boxes,
and I'll smash your bloody face in!
You tell Omar, right - Omar -
that his special-effects wizard has arrived!
Come on, then.
War plans? Oh, my God! What is he up to?
Wait till Time magazine sees this.
You bastard! You burnt my hand!
I didn't say it wouldn't burn.
I said it wouldn't hurt! There's no blistering.
- I've done it hundreds of times on stage.
- This is not a cheap theatrical stunt!
- It's a miracle! My people have to believe it!
- Omar, trust me. Trust what I've got to say.
Look, if I can make gods out of rock'n'roll
stars, imagine what I can do for you.
For your information,
I am not a rock'n'roll star!
The people must believe
I have the same powers as the Jewel.
Come! I want to see him now.
If it weren't for the Jewel,
I'd have led my people to power long ago.
Westerners understand nothing. The Jewel
represents the spiritual world of my people.
Unless I convince them I am their spiritual
leader, they will never follow me into battle.
That is why you are here.
- Tell me how it's done, magician.
- It's not magic trick. It's miracle.
I am losing patience with you.
But you cannot kill me.
Even you are superstitious.
Al-Jawhara lives.
Two nights from now it will not matter.
Oh, no.
A woman?
- Most unexpected.
- I gotta get outta here.
I gotta stop Omar.
Did you bring an army?
- No. I'm just Joan Wilder.
- Just-Joan Wilder, I'm Al-Jawhara.
The Jewel of the Nile.
I don't understand.
- You are the Jewel?!
- Yes. For the moment.
In two nights at the holy city of Kadir
Omar will proclaim himself Emperor.
Without me to oppose him, he'll march
across North Africa like a madman.
But the world will see me
as the saviour of my people.
No, it won't. The world won't believe you.
I've been in your office and seen your vision.
- I'll write the truth about you.
- The truth?
If I wanted the truth,
I would have hired 60 Minutes.
What do you know about truth?
You fantasise everything.
Why do you think I brought you here? You
stay here and write what I tell you to write!
- You think no one knows I'm here?
- Oh, yes, Jack! I forgot to tell you.
Jack is dead.
Don't be ridiculous.
Jack would never die without telling me.
Nevertheless, he is dead.
You look pale, Miss Wilder.
I'll send you my personal physician.
It can't be true.
This Jack... He is friend for you?
Yes.
He is my best friend.
What? I don't see shit!
We must stop here.
It is dangerous for Sufis to enter Omar's city.
Now, wait. He's already tried to kill me once.
You are guest of Omar.
Find for us the Jewel. Accept your destiny.
Destiny, my ass! Excuse me.
When you hook up with jujubes,
see what happens.
Just take your lead from me, and we'll be fine.
- We gonna walk through the centre of town?
- I'm gonna put you up a camel's ass.
I might like it.
- What are you doing?
- In one of my books,
Angelina's Savage Secret,
she used her nailfile to cut
the mortar away from the window box.
How long did this take?
Two pages.
But... it's not the bars
that make the prison. It is the desert.
So I'll travel at night. I don't care.
I have to stop Omar.
I gotta get out to write the truth about him.
I have to get to Kadir.
Wait a minute.
You are the one that has to get to Kadir.
You are the only one that can stop Omar.
You have to go with me!
Maybe you are the one.
I accept.
We are sworn, Just-Joan.
- Right. But it's just Joan.
- Right. Just-Joan.
- Right. We just have to get out this window.
- Please.
- Magic!
- Dry rot.
I bet you could pick up a swell three-bedroom
town house here for about five or six dollars.
Hi. My name is Colton.
I've been invited by your Omar.
I'm here to see Joan Wilder.
Hey, Rachid! How are you?
Good to see you again.
Joan Wilder does not want to see you.
Well, now, Rachid,
I don't think you understand.
We're here on official business.
This is Mr... Fatush from the US Embassy.
He's got something very important
to talk to all you guys about.
Look, we don't want to
create an international incident here.
I mean, after all, she is an American citizen.
If you'll just let us see her, no paperwork.
Mum's the word. Everything...
Guys, no sweat, OK?
We'll catch you next time we're in town.
- Take it easy.
- Say hello to her for us.
You know what they say: Once
they've had a holy man, they never go back.
- Quickly, Just-Joan!
- Are you sure you know where you're going?
Those guys can go for hours
without coming up for air.
Ease up, will ya?
All right, there's gotta be another way in here.
I can't wait for another smooth move. How
about us at the back door in pussycat suits?
- When they come with the milk...
- How about you takin' it in the ear!?
Look, if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't be on to this.
Subsequently I should shoot you
the first chance I get!
Jack!
You're alive!
Kinda goin' outta your way to duck me!
You bastard!
Oh, Jack! I thought I'd never see you again.
They told me you were dead.
I never wanna feel that way again.
Does this mean you apologise?
I feel like I'm back in eighth grade.
Is this The Young and the Stupid?
- What the hell is he doing here?
- Don't get cagey with me. I'm on to it.
I know how you two operate.
I'll get in there with or without you dinks!
Hey, look, guys! Lighten up!
I'm only saying hello to an old girlfriend here!
- Just-Joan, we need to go!
- Wait a minute, who's this guy?
- He's a friend.
- You made friends in there?
- OK. Let's go, come on!
- Wait. He's coming with us.
Don't start with me! I've come
halfway across Africa to rescue you.
Rescue me? I was doing fine without you.
- I am guide. I can help.
- I don't need a guide. I need a miracle!
Jack, he's coming with us.
All right. But if we get out of this alive,
I'm gonna kill you.
Let's go.
- Who are you?
- Is this where Al Jolson's buried?
- Who the hell are you?
- Don't provoke me, pal!
I had a tough day. You know
how hot it is here? It's 120 in the shade.
I'm like this with Weinberger.
We'll be all over you!
Let me in!
Holy shit and shove me in it.
Oh, no. Over the wall!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Come on!
No! No!
OK, flyboy,
your estimated time of departure is now!
- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything!
- Well, do something!
- All right. I'm trying!
I mean, this isn't Space Invaders!
- Jack, the wall!
- Oh, no!
- It is Space Invaders!
- That'll show 'em!
All right, yeah!
Oh, shit!
Let's get outta here!
This is gonna be tight!
This is my first time in airplane.
How do you stop this thing?
Sorry!
- Do you know where you're going?
- Give me a break!
- Your friend steal the Jewel.
- What?
- You! You are liar to me!
- No!
I come back and you're dead!
You thieving bastard!
You ain't stiffin' me again!
I promise ya.
I'll feed ya to the maggots! I'll get...
Great! We're out of quarters.
Well, try that one there.
Now what?
Damn it!
Yes!
Hey, that's not bad for your first time.
Come on, we'll get him. We'll get him.
Colton, you ain't gettin' away.
Where the hell's the horn?
Get outta here! Get out of the way!
Sandstorm.
Stop!
What are you gonna do?
Either save us or kill us. Hang on!
- Now you are dead.
- No! Don't cut off my head!
- You stole ourjewel.
- It was the mook! He's always screwin' me.
I swear to God on my eyes
I never seen thatjewel!
No, wait, wait!
You need me. I can help you find him.
- You are his friend.
- No! No friend. Stop saying that.
Friends don't stab each other in the back.
Come on. Look, we'll team up.
We'll find him, we'll get him good.
He knows that I will not be denied!
Colton's future is bleak!
Very bleak!
Any idea where we are?
The best I can figure out is that we head
due east. We should make it to the border.
- Well... is that the way to Kadir?
- La. Kadir is in the west, over that mountain.
Well, the best of luck to you, pal.
Joan, let's get going.
Jack, we have to take him to Kadir.
What are you talkin' about?
We got him out, like you said. Come on.
We swore an oath, Just-Joan and I.
We go to Kadir.
What is it with you?!
Jesus! Everything's always gotta be
your way? It's just like the goddamn boat!
What do you mean "my way"? It wasn't
my idea to spend six months on your boat!
- Oh, debate good. I enjoy.
- OK, let me tell you what I put up with.
We're moored off the Canary Islands.
Midnight, sound asleep.
Three crazed Joan Wilder fans
decide they want the anchor
of the Angelina for a souvenir!
- We were drifting for days! And the other...
- Stop. I'm sorry. It's time for Just-Joan.
- Remember the Costa del Sol, Jack?
- Oh, come on!
He's gotta meet me
at the governor's for dinner.
And you show up with the entire
national basketball team!
They were hungry.
This is what I'm talking about.
Sometimes you could think about me.
Oh, I suppose you were thinking all about me
when you took off with Omar?
- He blew up my boat!
- Our boat?
- Oh, now it's our boat?
- Good debate. It's equal, no winners.
- Just-Joan, we must hurry.
- Wait. He blew up our boat?
Why are you risking your life for this guy?
I made a commitment. I can't break it.
OK. Fine.
But I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I didn't come here for you anyway. No!
I'm on to something big.
- Ajewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
- Come with us. I am Jawhara!
- That means Joe.
- Thanks, Joe, but no thanks.
I wouldn't want her
to break her commitment.
Oh, Jack...
Come on.
That's for the Angelina.
I still owe you for Joan.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
Please, let me get out of this alive.
I swear to God
I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
But tonight I gotta kill Colton.
Heydi Joan Wilder!
- Why you didn't tell your friend about me?
- Oh, I know him.
He'd go halfway round the world for a party.
He wouldn't cross town for a noble cause.
- People can surprise you.
- No, he's just Jack. He'll never change.
Like a...
Like a stone.
It's always a stone. Open your hand.
Change is not always visible.
- Let's show some hustle!
- What?
Your buddy Omar!
What is it? He can't live without you?
- Are we jogging?
- We are jogging.
Greece is looking better and better.
Oh, shit!
Just tell me why this guy wants you so bad.
- Hey, Joe, where you going?
- This way.
- You gotta be kidding.
- He knows the mountains better than you.
Joan, will you give me a break?
America - democracy. We vote, huh?
Stop!
Hurry up. Let's go!
Get down!
It's a black day for democracy.
- Do not worry. It's not my destiny to die here.
- What about us?
That's another ball game.
Rachid!
Joan Wilder!
I wish no harm to you!
I'm your friend! Your fan!
Please surrender!
What did you do for this guy Omar
you never did for me?
Bloody bitch!
Oh, shit! Look out!
Hey, Omar! Eat rocks!
Let's go.
I got something.
Nubians.
I was hoping to avoid them.
Sell any books here?
- Main man! Hey, my man!
- What are you so happy about?
Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think
we're from National Geographic.
Hey! How ya doin'?
He says it's many days'
long trip over high mountains.
And he wishes us a very pleasantjourney.
Thank you.
All right. Thank you, guys.
Catch you next time. Goodbye.
Come on, Jack.
Ah, Mr Jack! Just-Joan! The Chief's son, he
wishes to make a blessing for your marriage.
We're not married.
He says, because you are not married,
that his son wishes to court you.
- Oh, I just...
- Oh, no, that's...
That's very nice, but the lady is...
She's with me.
He says that because there is more than
one suitor, that you must wrestle his son.
I gotta wrestle his son?
How ya doin'?
OK. This one I think I can handle.
OK!
No?
Hussein!
Wait a minute, guys.
Let's talk this over like gentlemen!
All right. You guys are with me, huh?
Yeah, me. All right.
Do me a favour. Tell him
we lived together for six months. Shit.
All right, what are the rules?
Right.
I'm sorry about that.
No, not the left one! No!
No pain, no gain.
Let me go!
- No!
- Can we talk about this?
Stop it!
We have to do something!
I am doing something.
Joe, he's...
- That was great!
- Great, huh? I could've gotten killed!
This is the marriage dance. In this tribe,
the women, they choose the man.
And then, according to the custom,
they will be together for life.
They get all that from one dance?
It's beautiful!
Ralph, if you want to be one of us,
take off your shoes and socks.
If you want to be one of us,
you must see with the eyes of your heart,
- not with the eyes of your head.
- Gotcha, yeah.
Your heart will never give you fear or pain -
if you know our way.
Ralph.
No, thanks, pal. Keep your friggin' jewel.
- No!
- Are you afraid?
I just had my feet resoled.
- What is the worst that can happen to you?
- I could wind up a Chicken McNugget.
- What is the best that could happen to you?
- I could get through this and find the Jewel.
It's your choice.
Look down.
Hot coals!
I did it! I did it! I'm one of us!
All right! Yeah!
Your fears - they make you foolish.
Go to her, Jack.
- I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again.
- You kidding?
We're the perfect couple
when we got people shooting at us.
- Just the slow times I'm not too good at.
- I guess I just expect too much.
Maybe we both expect too much.
Oh, boy.
Thank you for coming to Kadir with me.
This valley is gift of the Nile.
I've been away from here too long.
You know, I'm getting to like this guy Joe.
He's growing on me.
What do you say we cut him in
on this jewel, if we ever find it?
Jack...
We have the Jewel.
What are you talking about? Where?
Well, there.
- What, Joe's got the Jewel?
- No.
Joe is the Jewel.
Joe is the Jewel of the Nile?
He's a holy man. That's his religious title.
Joe is the Jewel.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
Why'd you keep it from me?
Because I thought if you knew,
you wouldn't come with us.
Maybe I would've surprised you.
I think I've come through once or twice,
if I remember right.
I'm sorry.
You're right. You come through all the time.
It's funny.
I really thought we had a chance.
Look! The train to Kadir!
Come on, Jack.
Inshallah, we'll be there tonight.
- What a lot of people!
- They are going to see the false redeemer.
- Omar again, huh?
- We'll see about that.
Shit!
What are you doing?
Come on!
Jump!
No!
No! Hang on, Joan!
Jack, watch out!
It's...
Guys, wait up! Come on, Humphrey.
Go, go, go!
Do something!
What do you want me to do?
Colton!
Your ass is grass,
and I'm a lawn mower, Colton!
Colton, I'll get you! Colton, I'm on to ya!
Colton.
All right, yeah!
All right! Let's go, come on.
Let's get out of here!
Just-Joan, you're gre...
Welcome.
I don't usually travel by train,
but I had a small accident with my helicopter.
May we reach Kadir in time.
Once we get inside,
we must find the entrance to the catacombs.
T-shirts! Buy T-shirts!
Gimme the T-shirt.
I'll buy it, I'll buy it. Get outta here, will ya?
You know, I really admire
your loyalty to each other.
And I'm going to give you a chance
to be together to the very end.
Well, not exactly.
One will watch the other die.
But which one?
Rachid.
- Is that the goat's blood?
- Yes.
Very popular
with the inhabitants of these catacombs.
- Rats.
- Yes. They eat until they get the last drop.
But don't worry, Mr Colton.
You won't be alone.
Rachid is now placing acid
that will eat through Miss Wilder's rope.
What kind of sick pervert
would go to this trouble?
- Why don't you shoot us?!
- Jack!
What kind of demented psychopath
would even think of this?
- The Savage Secret.
- What?
Was my biggest seller.
Think about this pit
as your last adventure, Joan Wilder.
My people await me.
What you talkin' about?
I work with professional people.
You tell His Highness
the show starts with him or without him.
Goddamn beanie convention.
Wind up goin' home with a rug.
The entrance!
Give me a red to the yellow. And cue!
I said give me a red gel down there!
And cue! For Gawd's sake, cue!
Build it, build it softly.
And give me some smoke.
That's good, that's good, that's very good.
Now, bring it up slowly.
There are many rooms and many ways.
You! You go this way.
And, you! You go this way.
And we: We go this way.
Boy, it stinks in this place.
What looks good, amigo?
You go from this way. And... I go this way.
All right.
What a fruit loop.
- How'd they get out?
- What?
In The Savage Secret, how'd they get out?
Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot.
You wouldn't happen to have a knife,
would ya?
- I'm not even wearing underwear.
- Great!
No!
We were good together,
weren't we, Joan Wilder?
The best.
- And we're gonna make it.
- Yeah.
Oh, God. I love you, lady.
I love you, Jack.
Will you marry me?
- Yes!
- Because I never want you leaving me again.
You're notjust saying that
because this is it, are you?
I'm saying it
because I'm not afraid to say it any more.
So where do you wanna go
on our honeymoon?
Rats! Get out of here, you...
Goddamn rat farm! Go on!
- Ralph! Get us out of here, will ya?
- Ah! And there's the biggest rat of all.
Colton, look at you. You...
You don't know how many nights
I dreamed of this.
- Except your flesh was torn off your body.
- Ralph, please, just help us down.
Jack! Hold on!
Well, well, well, Colton.
I think this calls for a renegotiation.
Don't you, Tarzan? Huh?
This looks a little bit more like 70-30.
- Or maybe even 80-20.
- Ralph, will ya get the rats off that rope?!
- I don't go near rats, buddy.
- Ralph, do not be afraid.
Remember the Sufi way: See with your heart.
My heart sees rats, Pop.
Don't let this garb fool you.
Come on, Colton. Where's the Jewel?
Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
And I'm a kumquat from Queens.
Pipe down, towel-head!
- Come on, Ralph.
- Take the ladder and put it over the well.
- Please, don't let us die!
- That's a good idea, Legs.
I ain't gonna let you die, but I ain't movin' no
ladder until you come across with the rock!
Lookin' more like 90-10! Huh, kumquat?
- Did you get the ladder all right?
- Jack, help me unlock the Jewel.
The Jewel? You mean you weren't
shittin' me? That guy really is the Jewel?
Come on.
We still got time to stop Omar. Let's go.
Ralph, that is not the Sufi way.
I don't know what got into me, Jewels. Every
time I'm around this guy he makes me crazy.
Come on. Tell him to cut me down, Jewels.
Come on, huh?
Don't fuck around with the equipment!
Bloody woman!
Here they come, Jack.
Oh, my God. Look at this. Looks like
Our Lady of Mount Palmer schoolyard.
Hold it!
Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.
Oh, Rachid.
How ya doin'? Let's talk this over
before you butcher me alive.
What are you getting so steamed about?
Look at that. It worked!
Get over the wall. Come on!
Get goin'.
Keep going.
I knew we'd hook up again, Colton. Get it?
I swear to God!
My right hand to God!
Come on!
I am dead, Miss Wilder.
All that will be written for Omar is an epitaph.
But I will not be alone.
Who is going to save you now?
Who?
Well, you got your story.
I got a lot more than that.
You are married!
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.
As usual, it's zilch for poor Ralphie.
You are Sufi.
Keep it always.
Guys!
Sufis rule!
It was a day I had always dreamed of.
A day I would never forget.
Will you marry this woman
and take her to your heart,
forever devoted and forever young?
I will.
And will you marry this man
and take him to your heart,
forever devoted and forever young?
I will.
Would you now place the ring on her finger?
I now declare...
What a shame we had uninvited guests.
I'll have what I came for this day!
Jack politely asked him to leave.
Kiss steel, bastard!
Jack!
Hold tight! I'm coming!
His temper flared,
but he fought like a gentleman.
My one true love had fought bravely,
but it wasn't enough.
There was only room for one more.
It was either my love or myself.
- You take it, my love.
- Never! Those maggots will not have you.
They will not have me for long.
I have consumption
and will be dead before the year is out.
You were gonna marry me
with consumption? Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to spoil things.
- Go.
- No!
Live to fight another day.
Whatever makes you happy.
With Jack, my happiness always came first.
I faced my fate alone.
The 10 turned to 20, the 20 to 40.
Could this be the end of
my freedom, my salvation, my...
Hey, gorgeous!
Hiya, Joanie!
What happened?
"Was this the end of my freedom,
my salvation?"
My career?
Gorgeous day. Huh, gorgeous?
We got blue skies,
nice warm water and a cold beer.
Honey, did you get any more Buds?
No, I just didn't have time today
to ravage the Riviera for your beer.
- Tough day, huh?
- Yeah, you could say it was tough.
But then when the going gets tough,
the tough...
I don't know what the tough do.
I don't know what the pirates do,
or what anybody does.
- Jack...
- Oh, honey. I know, baby. I know.
Look out there. What do you see?
- Bloomingdale's?
- No.
Greece.
Yeah. Mykonos, Lesbos, ouzo, olive oil.
Honey, we're going.
Wait. I thought you said that
we were going back to New York for a while.
Absolutely.
When the summer's over we're going.
Oh, Jack, we've been on this boat
half a year now. I need shore leave.
I promised Gloria I'd finish that book
three months ago, and I can't.
I don't know what happens next.
I thought you wanted
to sail around the world with me.
Well, I do, but not all of it this week.
I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur.
Exotic ports and great parties
and spectacular sunsets...
It's not enough.
It's not enough?!
You sound like someone who's got what they
wanted and now don't want what they got.
- I wanna do something serious.
- Serious? Come on!
How much romance can one woman take?
Joan Wilder?
From your most devoted friend.
Thank you.
"This afternoon we shall meet... awaiting
the moment." What's this afternoon?
- Must be somebody coming to the reception.
- That's not till next Tuesday.
This is "next Tuesday", Jack.
- Jack, you said you were getting a car.
- If I knew it was Tuesday, I would've. Sorry.
That's all right.
Whaddaya say we spin that roulette wheel
while we're there?
Sounds great.
Jack.
- Yeah?
- She can't leave now.
- Why not?
- What do you mean, "Why not?"
- Oh, my God.
- I'm your biggest fan!
- I read all your books.
- Thank you.
I'm so happy to see you.
- This is my publisher. Gloria Horne.
- Oh, your publisher.
- And this is...
- You are Mr Wilder?
No, I'm Mr Colton. Jack Colton.
What do you do, Mr Colton?
Casino work.
Yeah. I think I'll go downstairs and punch in.
Excuse me, excuse me.
- But...
- I'll be back!
God, I've got to have a drink!
Literary functions are not Jack's speed.
I mean, his favourite author
is the man who wrote "Pull Tab to Open".
- I am his favourite author.
- You saying it's none of my business?
Let me tell you, Jack is not the marrying kind.
I am worried. You're the girl who
never gets a book back late to the library.
You are three months past your deadline.
What gives? Un scotch, double.
My heartjust isn't in it. Romance
just doesn't seem real to me any more.
Real? You don't write "real". You write
about people that sail off into the sunset.
- And the next day when the sun comes up?
- There is no next day in romance.
Stop confusing real life
with a romantic novel.
- Joanie, just finish it.
- I can't.
After 17 books,
I don't know how it ends any more.
Then permit me to tell you.
It doesn't end.
It only begins anew
when you journey down the Nile with me.
- Have you got the right woman?
- No.
My name is Omar Khalifa and I have travelled
- You sent me the flowers.
- They pale by your beauty.
Oh, Mary!
- I read about you.
- Yes, I know. Time magazine.
Well, I'm afraid the Western press
cannot understand the spirit of my vision.
You are a writer. You can understand.
So, Joan Wilder,
you must come and write my story.
I only write romance novels.
Yes. And you haven't finished the one
you're working on right now.
You are a gifted storyteller.
You create heroes in a world of cynics.
Journey down the Nile with me
and I'll give you a chance to record history.
- Come. We must leave today.
- Joanie!
In just four nights I will become Emperor,
and you will have the exclusive story.
- They have emperors on the Nile?
- They do now.
Oh, shit.
So now what are we celebrating?
- The Nile!
- Oh, the Nile.
We've been invited to Africa.
Jack Colton, Omar Khalifa.
How do you do?
He's asked me - me - to write his story.
It's just what I've always wanted to do!
And now Joan's work will receive
the serious attention that it deserves.
And this will be her biggest accomplishment:
My biography.
What's so important there
that you have to write the book now?
- Mr Khalifa has...
- Omar, please.
Omar has been chosen
to unite the tribes of the Nile
and end the strife that has bloodied his land.
He will carry on the work of
the missing Great Redeemer.
- You have listened very well.
- You got all that in 20 minutes?
As a friend of Miss Wilder's,
you are welcome to be my guest also.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Could I talk to you for a minute, please?
I thought you wanted to go to New York.
- That's all changed.
- That fast?
But to write a biography -
it's something important, something real.
- This is what I've been looking for.
- Isn't it a little bit over your head?
I think it's a great chance.
So you got your heart set on it?
Mine's set on Greece.
So when are you gonna leave?
Tonight. He has a private jet and...
Oh, he's got a private jet.
- Oh, what the hell. We had a good run.
- Oh, Jack, come on.
This is just five or four weeks of research.
Maybe you're right. Maybe we need a break.
It's been kind of tough lately.
Yeah. When the going gets tough,
the tough go to Greece.
- Well, I'll write you.
- Where?
Yeah.
Where?
I think I'll go down and
give that roulette wheel one more chance.
You take care of yourself.
And you stay out of trouble.
Look out for her, will ya?
I can offer you this comfort:
She leaves you for a higher purpose.
Yeah.
Free Al-Jawhara!
Don't be frightened. You know,
a man of vision has many enemies.
And my destiny is to outsmart them.
You see?
Like it?
It's OK.
Well, sweetheart, I guess it's just you and me.
Goddamn it, she was the best time I ever had.
Don't cry, scumbag! I'll keep you company.
Cartagena, Colombia!
Long time no... Oh, shit.
- Go ahead. Gimme a reason. Make my year!
- Hey, go easy with the gun.
Did you miss me? I missed you.
You're all I thought about for six months.
They threw me in ajail filled with rejects
from the communicable disease ward.
Every wacko, drippy,
open-sored lowlife was in thatjoint!
All wanting to be my proctologist.
And rats! I'm full of rat bites.
Ten weeks of rabies shots this long and
all I thought of was you, Colton. Just you!
Well, I'm flattered, pal.
And I'm sorry you had such a tough time.
How about 100 bucks?
I'll give you a one-way ticket to Harp Land!
What'd you do with it?
- What are you talking about?
- The stone, moron! I'm cocked!
- Let's talk about this like gentlemen.
- Gentlemen! Did I tell you I got malaria?
Every time I shake, I shake like this. Know
what happens if I shake my trigger finger?
And I feel an attack coming on!
Know what happens if that happens?
It's the end of Mr Lucky. That's the end of...
Holy shit!
Quiet! Next time you'll not be so lucky.
- I am Tarak. You must come with me now.
- What the hell are you?
- Omar steal ourjewel. Al-Jawhara.
- Jewel?
You were invited with the woman. You can
get into Omar's palace. My people cannot.
- What people? What are you talking about?
- You must help me find the Jewel.
- Whatjewel?
- The Jewel of the Nile.
- Our most priceless jewel.
- Oh, thatjewel.
Omar has stolen my people's jewel.
Omar is a very bad man.
Oh, that scum! I spit on him!
Jack, buddy, let's help this nice man
get his jewel back.
- Yes.
- Look, I don't know where you're from,
but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
No, you must come to help find the Jewel
now before Omar kill many people.
As long as Omar have the Jewel,
nothing can stop him.
Look, I'm going on the boat.
You guys can do what you want.
The boat blew up!
My boat blew up.
The boat blew up!
Everything's gone.
Who are you? The Prince of Darkness?
Don't you got any friends?
This is the work of Omar.
- Omar blew up my boat, huh?
- Your woman is in danger, too.
I will take you to him.
- I'm coming, too.
- The hell you are!
Look, you owe me, Colton.
So wherever you're going, I'm going.
Where we going?
Africa.
- Do you recognise my home?
- I wrote this!
Yes! In The Return of the King.
I had the same uniforms designed.
Hello. Hi!
- Is all this yours?
- It belongs to the country. To my people.
Oh.
Why point out the negative?
In three nights in Kadir
the moon will be full,
and all my people will unite behind me
in peace and none of this will be necessary.
- Now let me show you my humble house.
- Thank you.
I'm really blessed. My people love me.
Well, yes. They seem very... enthusiastic.
Oh, this is a good shot for you -
the little boy holding up my picture.
Oh, yeah, that's wonderful.
My humble house.
You must forgive us. We are a poor people.
Everything you need, they will bring you.
Oh, thank you.
Here only strangers say thank you.
Family and friends have no need.
What was that?
Cats. Come.
I have a cat.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Oh, yes, this is OK. Fine.
Here you'll write your masterpiece.
Ah, I have a few questions...
I see the writer is already at work. Good.
Explore your new world.
Feel free to go anywhere and see anything.
Talk to anyone.
I'm glad you're here, Joan.
Together we'll make history.
It's like a fishbowl!
Why do these Third World cesspools
always gotta be so hot, will you tell me that?
Hey, where the hell you going?
Holy shit!
Well, Colton, looks like
we've hitched our wagon to a star.
Stop that! Stop it!
Excuse me?
What does this mean?
- Do you speak English?
- "Give back the Jewel."
- Give back the jewel?
- Yeah. Eid lana Al-Jawhara.
You can't do that! I'm a professional.
We'll see about that.
If you don't tell me
what the hell is going on here,
- I'll be on the first plane back to New York.
- It's impossible.
Tomorrow we journey to Kadir. You must be
there. It will be your most important chapter.
- I can't write if you keep secrets from me.
- What secrets?
What is the Jewel?
The Jewel is a legend.
I am real.
Do not be distracted
from your mission, Joan Wilder.
Make yourself comfortable.
You stay with me until our book is done.
You can't keep me here!
Go. You are free to leave.
Only the worst kind of fool
would attempt our desert alone.
I gotta get off this camel.
It's breaking my ass! Colton!
- You gotta hang on and take it.
- I can't.
- The camp's coming up.
- Shit!
You are welcome!
We have food! We have drink!
You got a toilet?
So how big is this jewel?
Very, very big. Very big. Very, very big.
Very big.
It's as big as this orange?
- It's as big as an orange.
- The Jewel is the heart of our people.
Omar steals the heart of our people.
- Omar is thief.
- Omar is very bad man.
Before Omar steal Jewel, everything good.
Now everything is shit!
You help us find the Jewel,
and we give you great reward.
But if you lie to us, you die.
But now we dance!
Look at these guys, Colton.
No sheep is safe tonight.
We split it right down the middle,
Colton. 50-50.
What are you talking about?
Don't play stupid with me, partner.
The Jewel.
And don't you even think of
messing with me.
Oh, what's that I hear?
A heart breaking? You sap!
Keep your mind on business.
You'll wind up getting yourself killed
over some broad who dumped you.
Jewels!
Oh, Omar!
I want you lot to be careful!
See that word "Fragile" on the side?
It means don't drop... Why don't you listen?
I might love your country, your culture,
and even your people! That means I love you!
But you drop one more of my boxes,
and I'll smash your bloody face in!
You tell Omar, right - Omar -
that his special-effects wizard has arrived!
Come on, then.
War plans? Oh, my God! What is he up to?
Wait till Time magazine sees this.
You bastard! You burnt my hand!
I didn't say it wouldn't burn.
I said it wouldn't hurt! There's no blistering.
- I've done it hundreds of times on stage.
- This is not a cheap theatrical stunt!
- It's a miracle! My people have to believe it!
- Omar, trust me. Trust what I've got to say.
Look, if I can make gods out of rock'n'roll
stars, imagine what I can do for you.
For your information,
I am not a rock'n'roll star!
The people must believe
I have the same powers as the Jewel.
Come! I want to see him now.
If it weren't for the Jewel,
I'd have led my people to power long ago.
Westerners understand nothing. The Jewel
represents the spiritual world of my people.
Unless I convince them I am their spiritual
leader, they will never follow me into battle.
That is why you are here.
- Tell me how it's done, magician.
- It's not magic trick. It's miracle.
I am losing patience with you.
But you cannot kill me.
Even you are superstitious.
Al-Jawhara lives.
Two nights from now it will not matter.
Oh, no.
A woman?
- Most unexpected.
- I gotta get outta here.
I gotta stop Omar.
Did you bring an army?
- No. I'm just Joan Wilder.
- Just-Joan Wilder, I'm Al-Jawhara.
The Jewel of the Nile.
I don't understand.
- You are the Jewel?!
- Yes. For the moment.
In two nights at the holy city of Kadir
Omar will proclaim himself Emperor.
Without me to oppose him, he'll march
across North Africa like a madman.
But the world will see me
as the saviour of my people.
No, it won't. The world won't believe you.
I've been in your office and seen your vision.
- I'll write the truth about you.
- The truth?
If I wanted the truth,
I would have hired 60 Minutes.
What do you know about truth?
You fantasise everything.
Why do you think I brought you here? You
stay here and write what I tell you to write!
- You think no one knows I'm here?
- Oh, yes, Jack! I forgot to tell you.
Jack is dead.
Don't be ridiculous.
Jack would never die without telling me.
Nevertheless, he is dead.
You look pale, Miss Wilder.
I'll send you my personal physician.
It can't be true.
This Jack... He is friend for you?
Yes.
He is my best friend.
What? I don't see shit!
We must stop here.
It is dangerous for Sufis to enter Omar's city.
Now, wait. He's already tried to kill me once.
You are guest of Omar.
Find for us the Jewel. Accept your destiny.
Destiny, my ass! Excuse me.
When you hook up with jujubes,
see what happens.
Just take your lead from me, and we'll be fine.
- We gonna walk through the centre of town?
- I'm gonna put you up a camel's ass.
I might like it.
- What are you doing?
- In one of my books,
Angelina's Savage Secret,
she used her nailfile to cut
the mortar away from the window box.
How long did this take?
Two pages.
But... it's not the bars
that make the prison. It is the desert.
So I'll travel at night. I don't care.
I have to stop Omar.
I gotta get out to write the truth about him.
I have to get to Kadir.
Wait a minute.
You are the one that has to get to Kadir.
You are the only one that can stop Omar.
You have to go with me!
Maybe you are the one.
I accept.
We are sworn, Just-Joan.
- Right. But it's just Joan.
- Right. Just-Joan.
- Right. We just have to get out this window.
- Please.
- Magic!
- Dry rot.
I bet you could pick up a swell three-bedroom
town house here for about five or six dollars.
Hi. My name is Colton.
I've been invited by your Omar.
I'm here to see Joan Wilder.
Hey, Rachid! How are you?
Good to see you again.
Joan Wilder does not want to see you.
Well, now, Rachid,
I don't think you understand.
We're here on official business.
This is Mr... Fatush from the US Embassy.
He's got something very important
to talk to all you guys about.
Look, we don't want to
create an international incident here.
I mean, after all, she is an American citizen.
If you'll just let us see her, no paperwork.
Mum's the word. Everything...
Guys, no sweat, OK?
We'll catch you next time we're in town.
- Take it easy.
- Say hello to her for us.
You know what they say: Once
they've had a holy man, they never go back.
- Quickly, Just-Joan!
- Are you sure you know where you're going?
Those guys can go for hours
without coming up for air.
Ease up, will ya?
All right, there's gotta be another way in here.
I can't wait for another smooth move. How
about us at the back door in pussycat suits?
- When they come with the milk...
- How about you takin' it in the ear!?
Look, if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't be on to this.
Subsequently I should shoot you
the first chance I get!
Jack!
You're alive!
Kinda goin' outta your way to duck me!
You bastard!
Oh, Jack! I thought I'd never see you again.
They told me you were dead.
I never wanna feel that way again.
Does this mean you apologise?
I feel like I'm back in eighth grade.
Is this The Young and the Stupid?
- What the hell is he doing here?
- Don't get cagey with me. I'm on to it.
I know how you two operate.
I'll get in there with or without you dinks!
Hey, look, guys! Lighten up!
I'm only saying hello to an old girlfriend here!
- Just-Joan, we need to go!
- Wait a minute, who's this guy?
- He's a friend.
- You made friends in there?
- OK. Let's go, come on!
- Wait. He's coming with us.
Don't start with me! I've come
halfway across Africa to rescue you.
Rescue me? I was doing fine without you.
- I am guide. I can help.
- I don't need a guide. I need a miracle!
Jack, he's coming with us.
All right. But if we get out of this alive,
I'm gonna kill you.
Let's go.
- Who are you?
- Is this where Al Jolson's buried?
- Who the hell are you?
- Don't provoke me, pal!
I had a tough day. You know
how hot it is here? It's 120 in the shade.
I'm like this with Weinberger.
We'll be all over you!
Let me in!
Holy shit and shove me in it.
Oh, no. Over the wall!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Come on!
No! No!
OK, flyboy,
your estimated time of departure is now!
- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything!
- Well, do something!
- All right. I'm trying!
I mean, this isn't Space Invaders!
- Jack, the wall!
- Oh, no!
- It is Space Invaders!
- That'll show 'em!
All right, yeah!
Oh, shit!
Let's get outta here!
This is gonna be tight!
This is my first time in airplane.
How do you stop this thing?
Sorry!
- Do you know where you're going?
- Give me a break!
- Your friend steal the Jewel.
- What?
- You! You are liar to me!
- No!
I come back and you're dead!
You thieving bastard!
You ain't stiffin' me again!
I promise ya.
I'll feed ya to the maggots! I'll get...
Great! We're out of quarters.
Well, try that one there.
Now what?
Damn it!
Yes!
Hey, that's not bad for your first time.
Come on, we'll get him. We'll get him.
Colton, you ain't gettin' away.
Where the hell's the horn?
Get outta here! Get out of the way!
Sandstorm.
Stop!
What are you gonna do?
Either save us or kill us. Hang on!
- Now you are dead.
- No! Don't cut off my head!
- You stole ourjewel.
- It was the mook! He's always screwin' me.
I swear to God on my eyes
I never seen thatjewel!
No, wait, wait!
You need me. I can help you find him.
- You are his friend.
- No! No friend. Stop saying that.
Friends don't stab each other in the back.
Come on. Look, we'll team up.
We'll find him, we'll get him good.
He knows that I will not be denied!
Colton's future is bleak!
Very bleak!
Any idea where we are?
The best I can figure out is that we head
due east. We should make it to the border.
- Well... is that the way to Kadir?
- La. Kadir is in the west, over that mountain.
Well, the best of luck to you, pal.
Joan, let's get going.
Jack, we have to take him to Kadir.
What are you talkin' about?
We got him out, like you said. Come on.
We swore an oath, Just-Joan and I.
We go to Kadir.
What is it with you?!
Jesus! Everything's always gotta be
your way? It's just like the goddamn boat!
What do you mean "my way"? It wasn't
my idea to spend six months on your boat!
- Oh, debate good. I enjoy.
- OK, let me tell you what I put up with.
We're moored off the Canary Islands.
Midnight, sound asleep.
Three crazed Joan Wilder fans
decide they want the anchor
of the Angelina for a souvenir!
- We were drifting for days! And the other...
- Stop. I'm sorry. It's time for Just-Joan.
- Remember the Costa del Sol, Jack?
- Oh, come on!
He's gotta meet me
at the governor's for dinner.
And you show up with the entire
national basketball team!
They were hungry.
This is what I'm talking about.
Sometimes you could think about me.
Oh, I suppose you were thinking all about me
when you took off with Omar?
- He blew up my boat!
- Our boat?
- Oh, now it's our boat?
- Good debate. It's equal, no winners.
- Just-Joan, we must hurry.
- Wait. He blew up our boat?
Why are you risking your life for this guy?
I made a commitment. I can't break it.
OK. Fine.
But I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I didn't come here for you anyway. No!
I'm on to something big.
- Ajewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
- Come with us. I am Jawhara!
- That means Joe.
- Thanks, Joe, but no thanks.
I wouldn't want her
to break her commitment.
Oh, Jack...
Come on.
That's for the Angelina.
I still owe you for Joan.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
Please, let me get out of this alive.
I swear to God
I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
But tonight I gotta kill Colton.
Heydi Joan Wilder!
- Why you didn't tell your friend about me?
- Oh, I know him.
He'd go halfway round the world for a party.
He wouldn't cross town for a noble cause.
- People can surprise you.
- No, he's just Jack. He'll never change.
Like a...
Like a stone.
It's always a stone. Open your hand.
Change is not always visible.
- Let's show some hustle!
- What?
Your buddy Omar!
What is it? He can't live without you?
- Are we jogging?
- We are jogging.
Greece is looking better and better.
Oh, shit!
Just tell me why this guy wants you so bad.
- Hey, Joe, where you going?
- This way.
- You gotta be kidding.
- He knows the mountains better than you.
Joan, will you give me a break?
America - democracy. We vote, huh?
Stop!
Hurry up. Let's go!
Get down!
It's a black day for democracy.
- Do not worry. It's not my destiny to die here.
- What about us?
That's another ball game.
Rachid!
Joan Wilder!
I wish no harm to you!
I'm your friend! Your fan!
Please surrender!
What did you do for this guy Omar
you never did for me?
Bloody bitch!
Oh, shit! Look out!
Hey, Omar! Eat rocks!
Let's go.
I got something.
Nubians.
I was hoping to avoid them.
Sell any books here?
- Main man! Hey, my man!
- What are you so happy about?
Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think
we're from National Geographic.
Hey! How ya doin'?
He says it's many days'
long trip over high mountains.
And he wishes us a very pleasantjourney.
Thank you.
All right. Thank you, guys.
Catch you next time. Goodbye.
Come on, Jack.
Ah, Mr Jack! Just-Joan! The Chief's son, he
wishes to make a blessing for your marriage.
We're not married.
He says, because you are not married,
that his son wishes to court you.
- Oh, I just...
- Oh, no, that's...
That's very nice, but the lady is...
She's with me.
He says that because there is more than
one suitor, that you must wrestle his son.
I gotta wrestle his son?
How ya doin'?
OK. This one I think I can handle.
OK!
No?
Hussein!
Wait a minute, guys.
Let's talk this over like gentlemen!
All right. You guys are with me, huh?
Yeah, me. All right.
Do me a favour. Tell him
we lived together for six months. Shit.
All right, what are the rules?
Right.
I'm sorry about that.
No, not the left one! No!
No pain, no gain.
Let me go!
- No!
- Can we talk about this?
Stop it!
We have to do something!
I am doing something.
Joe, he's...
- That was great!
- Great, huh? I could've gotten killed!
This is the marriage dance. In this tribe,
the women, they choose the man.
And then, according to the custom,
they will be together for life.
They get all that from one dance?
It's beautiful!
Ralph, if you want to be one of us,
take off your shoes and socks.
If you want to be one of us,
you must see with the eyes of your heart,
- not with the eyes of your head.
- Gotcha, yeah.
Your heart will never give you fear or pain -
if you know our way.
Ralph.
No, thanks, pal. Keep your friggin' jewel.
- No!
- Are you afraid?
I just had my feet resoled.
- What is the worst that can happen to you?
- I could wind up a Chicken McNugget.
- What is the best that could happen to you?
- I could get through this and find the Jewel.
It's your choice.
Look down.
Hot coals!
I did it! I did it! I'm one of us!
All right! Yeah!
Your fears - they make you foolish.
Go to her, Jack.
- I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again.
- You kidding?
We're the perfect couple
when we got people shooting at us.
- Just the slow times I'm not too good at.
- I guess I just expect too much.
Maybe we both expect too much.
Oh, boy.
Thank you for coming to Kadir with me.
This valley is gift of the Nile.
I've been away from here too long.
You know, I'm getting to like this guy Joe.
He's growing on me.
What do you say we cut him in
on this jewel, if we ever find it?
Jack...
We have the Jewel.
What are you talking about? Where?
Well, there.
- What, Joe's got the Jewel?
- No.
Joe is the Jewel.
Joe is the Jewel of the Nile?
He's a holy man. That's his religious title.
Joe is the Jewel.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
Why'd you keep it from me?
Because I thought if you knew,
you wouldn't come with us.
Maybe I would've surprised you.
I think I've come through once or twice,
if I remember right.
I'm sorry.
You're right. You come through all the time.
It's funny.
I really thought we had a chance.
Look! The train to Kadir!
Come on, Jack.
Inshallah, we'll be there tonight.
- What a lot of people!
- They are going to see the false redeemer.
- Omar again, huh?
- We'll see about that.
Shit!
What are you doing?
Come on!
Jump!
No!
No! Hang on, Joan!
Jack, watch out!
It's...
Guys, wait up! Come on, Humphrey.
Go, go, go!
Do something!
What do you want me to do?
Colton!
Your ass is grass,
and I'm a lawn mower, Colton!
Colton, I'll get you! Colton, I'm on to ya!
Colton.
All right, yeah!
All right! Let's go, come on.
Let's get out of here!
Just-Joan, you're gre...
Welcome.
I don't usually travel by train,
but I had a small accident with my helicopter.
May we reach Kadir in time.
Once we get inside,
we must find the entrance to the catacombs.
T-shirts! Buy T-shirts!
Gimme the T-shirt.
I'll buy it, I'll buy it. Get outta here, will ya?
You know, I really admire
your loyalty to each other.
And I'm going to give you a chance
to be together to the very end.
Well, not exactly.
One will watch the other die.
But which one?
Rachid.
- Is that the goat's blood?
- Yes.
Very popular
with the inhabitants of these catacombs.
- Rats.
- Yes. They eat until they get the last drop.
But don't worry, Mr Colton.
You won't be alone.
Rachid is now placing acid
that will eat through Miss Wilder's rope.
What kind of sick pervert
would go to this trouble?
- Why don't you shoot us?!
- Jack!
What kind of demented psychopath
would even think of this?
- The Savage Secret.
- What?
Was my biggest seller.
Think about this pit
as your last adventure, Joan Wilder.
My people await me.
What you talkin' about?
I work with professional people.
You tell His Highness
the show starts with him or without him.
Goddamn beanie convention.
Wind up goin' home with a rug.
The entrance!
Give me a red to the yellow. And cue!
I said give me a red gel down there!
And cue! For Gawd's sake, cue!
Build it, build it softly.
And give me some smoke.
That's good, that's good, that's very good.
Now, bring it up slowly.
There are many rooms and many ways.
You! You go this way.
And, you! You go this way.
And we: We go this way.
Boy, it stinks in this place.
What looks good, amigo?
You go from this way. And... I go this way.
All right.
What a fruit loop.
- How'd they get out?
- What?
In The Savage Secret, how'd they get out?
Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot.
You wouldn't happen to have a knife,
would ya?
- I'm not even wearing underwear.
- Great!
No!
We were good together,
weren't we, Joan Wilder?
The best.
- And we're gonna make it.
- Yeah.
Oh, God. I love you, lady.
I love you, Jack.
Will you marry me?
- Yes!
- Because I never want you leaving me again.
You're notjust saying that
because this is it, are you?
I'm saying it
because I'm not afraid to say it any more.
So where do you wanna go
on our honeymoon?
Rats! Get out of here, you...
Goddamn rat farm! Go on!
- Ralph! Get us out of here, will ya?
- Ah! And there's the biggest rat of all.
Colton, look at you. You...
You don't know how many nights
I dreamed of this.
- Except your flesh was torn off your body.
- Ralph, please, just help us down.
Jack! Hold on!
Well, well, well, Colton.
I think this calls for a renegotiation.
Don't you, Tarzan? Huh?
This looks a little bit more like 70-30.
- Or maybe even 80-20.
- Ralph, will ya get the rats off that rope?!
- I don't go near rats, buddy.
- Ralph, do not be afraid.
Remember the Sufi way: See with your heart.
My heart sees rats, Pop.
Don't let this garb fool you.
Come on, Colton. Where's the Jewel?
Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
And I'm a kumquat from Queens.
Pipe down, towel-head!
- Come on, Ralph.
- Take the ladder and put it over the well.
- Please, don't let us die!
- That's a good idea, Legs.
I ain't gonna let you die, but I ain't movin' no
ladder until you come across with the rock!
Lookin' more like 90-10! Huh, kumquat?
- Did you get the ladder all right?
- Jack, help me unlock the Jewel.
The Jewel? You mean you weren't
shittin' me? That guy really is the Jewel?
Come on.
We still got time to stop Omar. Let's go.
Ralph, that is not the Sufi way.
I don't know what got into me, Jewels. Every
time I'm around this guy he makes me crazy.
Come on. Tell him to cut me down, Jewels.
Come on, huh?
Don't fuck around with the equipment!
Bloody woman!
Here they come, Jack.
Oh, my God. Look at this. Looks like
Our Lady of Mount Palmer schoolyard.
Hold it!
Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.
Oh, Rachid.
How ya doin'? Let's talk this over
before you butcher me alive.
What are you getting so steamed about?
Look at that. It worked!
Get over the wall. Come on!
Get goin'.
Keep going.
I knew we'd hook up again, Colton. Get it?
I swear to God!
My right hand to God!
Come on!
I am dead, Miss Wilder.
All that will be written for Omar is an epitaph.
But I will not be alone.
Who is going to save you now?
Who?
Well, you got your story.
I got a lot more than that.
You are married!
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.
As usual, it's zilch for poor Ralphie.
You are Sufi.
Keep it always.
Guys!
Sufis rule!