Jewtopia (2012) Movie Script

Jacob climbed the ladder
climbed it to the sky
said, people, what's the matter?
Heaven ain't so high
people, heaven ain't so high
when you got the shield
you got the shield
of Abraham
little children
you got the shield
of Abraham
The years were lifeless
they wandered
in the desert 40 years
and ol' Moses told the children
brush away them tears
hey, kids, this ain't
no time for tears
you got the shield
of Abraham
little children
you got the shield
of Abraham
David, he fought goliath
with nothing but a tiny stone
David, little David
God knows you're not alone
David, you got the shield
you got the shield
of Abraham
little David
you got the shield
you got the shield...
My name is Christian thaddeus
Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell,
and between the ages
of 8 and 17 years old,
good old Uncle Sam restationed
my father 12 times.
- Class, please welcome...
- G.I. Joe?
From Wichita to Berlin,
nobody wanted to be
friends with the new kid.
I think G.I. Joe is cool.
Because you have a lot in common
or maybe because you want something
or because no one else
will be your friend.
And that's how I became
friends with Adam Lipschitz.
How rude of me.
Want one?
We were complete opposites,
but we became best friends.
My first dinner with the
lipschitzes... one word.
Why couldn't we have
gone to China palace?
Denny, we've discussed this.
Do you want to drop
dead of a heart attack
by the time you're 50?
No, but...
besides, I heard that they cook
with d-o-g.
Adam's mom took control of her men.
Nah, you're right, Arlene.
You're always right.
- I love you.
- Well, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
- You just wait till later.
Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?
It kind of freaked
me out at first...
But I learned to love it.
Hi. My name's Soo Yun.
You ready to order?
Stop staring at her, Adam.
That is rude!
- Oh.
- You cute.
You stare all you like, little man.
You are not and you will
never be her little man.
I never realized how different
growing up Jewish was...
Where's my burger?
Until I hung out
with the O'Connells.
I'm Comin'.
I'm sorry, the tots were frozen
and I... and I had to wait
for them to defrost.
And where's my Uncle Brian's
barbecue sauce, huh?
One word... gentiles.
Oh, I got distracted
waiting for them tots.
I'll go get it.
Don't you move an inch.
Way back!
And he sees Taylor!
And the throw is up!
Aah! Touchdown!
What the hell?
That's a touchdown.
I'll tell you one thing.
There's nobody who called a
better game than Cosell,
but boy, did he have him
one heck of a beak.
Jew beak.
The talmud states that
the first 12 years
of a Jewish man's life all
lead up to the moment
where he must transform himself
from a boy to a man.
Adam Mintz Lipschitz,
that moment has arrived.
I'd never been to any
jewy type of thing
until Adam's bar mitzvah.
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready!
I'm not ready!
I'm not ready to be a man!
And your fault.
- I'm not ready to be a man!
- What the hell was that?
Bar Mitzvahs rock!
Christian didn't always come
up with the smartest ideas.
Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.
My mom told me that if
your hand touches poo,
you can get psoriasis.
Yeah, whatever.
Launch sequence activated.
3, 2, 1.
Commence fire!
Mission abort!
Mission abort!
It might look like I'm
having a seizure.
I'm not.
This is a panic attack.
Get up Lipschitz, get up!
I can't, Chris.
- Get up!
- Sons of bitches!
Do either of you know
what time it is?
3:07 A.M., sir.
And what do I like to do
at 3:07 A.M.?
Sleep, sir.
Apparently, the two of you don't.
You two would rather be
launching bags of feces.
I need a word with you in private.
In here.
You see, my son would have
executed like a real marine
if it hadn't been for
private Lipschitz,
who had a brain fart.
He screwed up the entire operation.
Now what the heck kind
of a weird shit is that?
- It's a pulmo machine.
- English!
It's for his asthma.
So your boy, he's
got a fake disease?
I'll bet you make him
wear a seatbelt too.
How is your boy still alive?
Seriously, how?
All I can say is, I
thank God and Uncle Sam
that I have been restationed.
- Schmuck.
- Come on, Christian.
Let's move.
Come on.
Where are we moving to, dad?
Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.
But I don't want to
move again, dad. I like it here.
Oh, you like it here?
You're gonna love it there.
Adam's the best
friend I've ever had.
Come on, Chris.
Chris is the best
friend that I've ever...
He was the only Jew I ever knew.
But then... College.
Could you maybe not mix the
potassium permanganate
I prefer to not explode
before graduation.
- Here. Use the hydrazine.
- Thanks.
Her name was Rebecca
Hadassah Zahada Ogin.
You know, me and you have
really good chemistry.
And just like that, all of
my decisions went away.
Oh, I'm gonna have an order
of the fried mozzarella sticks.
I didn't have to
decide what to eat...
- Surprise.
- What?
I didn't have to decide
what clothes to buy.
Who my friends were gonna be.
I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa
has dropped over the
past two quarters,
so he will no longer be
hosting poker night.
I'm coming to you live from
the university of Colorado,
Yeah! I'm standing here with
a hot and busty young co-Ed.
Say hi for the...
for the audience, Rebecca.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Now Rebecca has just informed me
underneath her graduation gown.
Is that true, Rebecca?
That is true, vance,
and I dare you
to get a close-up.
Get out.
Oh, my God.
You're so beautiful.
I just... I found this
beautiful little pink box.
You're disgusting.
No, look. Really.
Marry me, Rebecca.
Look, these last three years
have been a lot of fun together,
but we're entering
the real world now,
and in the real world,
this can't work.
Why not?
Because you're not Jewish.
What are you saying?
It's over, Christian.
And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber,
still crying over his
college girlfriend.
I miss Bec-Bec.
Okay, I located that one!
70 pounds of pressure
rising! Over!
Okay. Locating
the septic tank!
Looking at 85 pounds
and rising! Over!
Are you there, boss?
Yeah, guys, I'm here.
Sorry, sorry.
And did you find the gas line?
Yeah, got it.
- Got it too.
- Okay, boss.
We're going to shut
them both down, okay?
Tres, dos, shut off!
Guys, I'm really sorry.
I don't know what happened.
I must have spaced out.
It's cool, boss.
No worries.
I space out too sometime.
But if it was my responsibility
to turn off the gas and sewer lines
of my loyal, hardworking,
underpaid employees
next to a leaking septic tank
with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,
I would not fucking space out!
Sorry. What'd you say?
I spaced out.
Ay, madre de dios!
Que es eso?
What is that?
- What?
- Que es eso? Que...
What was I thinking, coming
to work with you today?
- It's may 25th.
- Oye, cinco de Mayo?
No, pendejo, may 25th is the day
that this chica Rebecca
dumped him nine years ago.
And accidentally hooked
it up to the hot water?
Boiling toilet day.
Boss, I loved that day, man.
I went to take a crap and
the toilet exploded!
I still have porcelain in my ass.
Look, boss, me and Juan, okay,
we love you, okay?
Of risking our life for this puta!
Look, just do us both a favor.
Go out there and find
yourself another puta
and move on with your life, puto!
You get on with your
life, you puto!
Boss, can I go to the bathroom?
Have you ever dreamed
embroidered on your
favorite undies?
What about your gang name
on your baseball cap?
Malt 40! Unh!
Manatee! Uh-huh!
Goldie tooth!
Then come on down to
the embroidery palace.
Where our royal family has provided
the highest quality custom
embroidery for 50 years!
No Booty too big,
no Booty too small,
because here at the
embroidery palace,
we embroider it all!
- What the hell?
- Oh, damn it!
Sorry. I told her
not to call again.
Could you be any
more pussy-whipped?
Yeah. What now?
Stuck working for
the family business
and engaged to Hannah Daniels.
This is her 13th call.
Yes, I'm available
after 3:00 tomorrow.
Why would we have a
preschool interview?
You're not even pregnant yet!
No, Hannah, it's smart
to interview now.
This commercial is
costing me an assload.
- Get off the phone!
- Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Yes, I love you. Bye.
Why didn't you cover
that before the shoot?
Do you want people to
change the channel
Would you prefer our
family go broke?
Oh, mom, no!
Come on, mom!
Oh, no. Stop moving.
No, not the safety pin!
Come on!
- Hold his head.
- Well, you know what?
If my brother wasn't such a douche
and his psycho fiancee
wasn't calling him
every two minutes...
She's the best thing that
ever happened to your brother.
- Ow!
- I got it! I got it!
What the hell?
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
what's going on here?
Oh, fuck me!
A jackhammer?
Come... Hannah!
You can always call me at
home when there's a problem.
Why do you think I was ranked
number one gynecologist
by city quest three years in a row?
Just remember, no matter
how much it might itch,
I don't want you to scratch it.
Okay, bye.
Oh, hey, I didn't
hear you sneak in.
Oh, probably 'cause of the
jackhammer that's outside.
Fine. What the hell
is going on around here?
They're starting construction
on the baby's room.
Honey, I-I know that you
want to have a baby so bad,
and so do I, in the future,
but there is no baby
to build a room for yet.
There's not even...
not even a fetus
to build a room for yet.
But it can take up to 18 months
to complete construction
on the series six BPBC.
I'm sorry. BPBC?
- Baby protection bed chamber.
- Oh, God.
You enter here, through the
anti-bacterial wash chamber
to disinfect and put
on sterilized scrubs.
Once inside, you'll be surrounded
a six-inch-thick bullet and
germ-proof baby encasement unit,
24-hour closed circuit
video surveillance,
life-size parental control
Anthrax detector, radon detector,
carbon monoxide detector,
smoke detector,
and faulty detector detector,
and a panic room.
And... and... and what is this?
Just in case the panic room
gets overrun by terrorists.
- Terrorists?
- Terrorists.
Well, thank God that's optional.
Oh, I'll be exercising that option.
You're really gone again
if you know what I mean
- we're two of...
- We're two of a kind
a kind
Working on a dream.
And then it hit me
harder than Dale earnhardt
hitting that wall,
rest in peace.
I needed to find another puta.
A Jewish puta.
How you Doin'?
Hey, I'm Christian.
Hey, you remember when Cheney
shotgunned that old guy
in the face back in '06?
I mean, I felt bad
for him, didn't you?
Hey, so you been a
Jew your whole life?
Damn, a lot of hot
Jew pussy in here.
Hey, am I right?
No, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
That is a very nice getup.
Where did you get that stuff?
Thanks. I'm glad
you're having a good time.
It's mine.
You like it?
It's hysterical.
About the whole thing.
So how did it go in there?
I don't think the girls around here
like a guy like me.
Well, that's crazy.
I mean, what girl here
with a whacked-out
sense of humor?
So you, uh,
Only the ones that
my mother organizes.
Your mother.
She organized this?
Yeah, and if I didn't show up,
I would never hear the end of it.
Yeah, I know how that is.
You should take my number.
For what?
To call me.
Okay. Yeah, okay.
Five missed calls.
- Oh, who's your provider?
- Pin mobile.
Well, that's your
problem right there.
Pin mobile has the least amount
of coverage in L.A. county
You should switch
to AT&T Nation 900
with unlimited mobile to mobile.
Alison Marks.
And you are?
Ro... Rosenberg.
Avi Rosenberg.
Man, you do not look Jewish.
Really? I... you know,
I have gotten that.
I'm gonna head back in.
I'm gonna head back in.
Are you fucking loco, boss?
- You no Jew!
- I know I'm not a Jew.
- She's just like Rebecca.
- Ay, dios mio!
Listen, I don't know why I said it!
Well, maybe you should
just tell her the truth.
I'm not gonna tell her the truth,
'cause then she's
never gonna date me.
I'm just gonna keep
telling her I'm a Jew
Juan, I don't care how
big her tits are!
But, I mean, they're pretty good.
Just because you say you're a
Jew does not make you one!
I don't know what I was thinking!
Hey, you know, boss,
Jesus was a Jew.
Why don't you just
tell her you're Jesus?
Huh? De nada.
Come on down to the
embroidery palace.
Where our royal family has provided
the highest quality custom
embroidery for 50 years.
Adam Lipschitz!
This had to be a sign.
No Booty too big,
no Booty too small,
because here at embroidery palace,
we embroider it all!
A Jewish sign!
All right.
I want everybody to close your eyes
and forget everything
you think you know
about embroidery,
because starting next Tuesday,
the embroidery palace
will be in possession
of this bad boy!
Behold the mauter evolution
Okay. On to
the next piece of business,
which is our monthly
corporate account review.
Jillie Bean, can you pass out
Now, as you all know,
the handlebar coffee company
has been our largest
corporate client
for the past ten...
They notified me this morning
they will be taking their
business elsewhere
due to this.
Do you have any idea how
this could have happened?
One sec, dad.
- Adam!
- What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
I "cun't"... I can't believe
that I did that.
But I'm under a lot of pressure
with this whole wedding thing!
I got... I got Hannah nagging me
about brunch tomorrow.
It's... I must have forgotten
to double-check the sample.
You should fire the prince, dad.
Oh, I'd like to chop
off the prince's head,
but then there'd be nobody
to ascend the throne!
Paging prince Adam.
There's a Mr. Christian
O'Connell here to see you.
Christian O'Connell?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come back here.
What... what's the big deal?
You... you tell some girl
your name is Avi Rosenberg
and then you show up after 17
years so that... that I can
teach you how to be a Jew
so you can dupe her?
Listen, I've been
dumped by a Jew before.
I'm not letting it happen again.
It's not pretty, man.
All right, why me?
You gotta teach me how
to pass myself off
as one of you guys.
Another decision for
as long as I live.
Wow. That's mildly offensive,
you know that?
Yes, but true.
Tell her the truth and
then convert for her.
No. No, no, no, no. No.
Listen to me.
Alison Marks is not gonna
settle for imitation Jew.
She can have the real deal.
Now, come on, Adam.
- Just help me.
- I'm sorry.
Did you say her name
was Alison Marks?
Yeah, Alison Marks.
I went to Sunday school
with an Alison Marks.
Did... did she tell you
what her family did?
Her family? Her mother, uh,
organized the mixer.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You know them, don't you?
- Do you know them?
- Yeah, you could say that.
- What?
- Oh! Oh, I know, I know.
Chris, this is, uh, you know,
are... are... are seeing
what I'm doing here,
but I-I got a lot
of shit going on right now,
and my... sort of, my world's
flipped upside down
and... and... and... and we're
looking for preschools.
Wait a minute. You didn't
tell me you had a baby.
- Yeah. I-I don't.
- Oh.
- It's complicated.
- Sounds it.
Chris, I don't think I'm the guy
for this adventure.
I understand.
Well, um, you know,
I'm glad I tracked you down.
No, it's great to see you.
So, maybe we'll...
we'll do some lunch,
uh, we'll catch up.
I would love to do some lunch.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
I'm gonna be up on my parents'
ranch for the weekend,
- maybe we'll get a, uh...
- Well, here.
- Coffee.
- Uh, take this.
Embroidery palace.
It's a nice yellow.
Don't take this the
wrong way, Hannah,
but what led you to
diagnose it as vaginitis?
Well, dad, she was
experiencing itching,
irritation, abnormal discharge,
and pain during intercourse...
Yes, those are the basic
symptoms to vaginitis.
They could indicate vulvitis?
Yes, dad, but I ruled out vulvitis
because her vulva was not enflamed.
No need to get defensive, sweetie.
You're probably right
with your diagnosis.
I once diagnosed a
patient with vaginitis
- You know what?
- It might have even been
bacterial vaginosis.
In my 25 years of practice,
I have seen many cases of vaginosis
with no gray discharge.
We've been doing this a
few more years than you,
distinguish between vaginosis,
vaginitis, or vulvitis.
- Lox, honey?
- Cottage cheese?
Okay, excuse me.
I'm just gonna...
Use the bathroom.
I'll... I'll be back.
Hold it.
Why don't you and the ladies
hand out some eggnog?
All right.
Thanks, mom.
- Nog, baby?
- Second that.
Oh, mama, that is some good nog.
Son, why is it that you
haven't found yourself
a good woman yet? Huh?
Someone to take care of you...
Serve you nog.
Maybe it's 'cause Christian's
a homo-sexu-wahl!
All right, you stop
bullying your brother.
- He will find himself a girl...
- That's right.
Or whatever, when
he's good and ready?
I'm ready to bag me a 10-pointer,
and I'm gonna skin him, gut him,
- and pull out his rectum.
- The hell you are!
I'm pulling out the
rectum, ass tar!
He always pulls out the rectums.
You make a circular incision and...
Clayton, Chuck!
Over here now!
Hurry up, there's come
rectum over there.
You two take a knee.
Why do you always
have to fight over
who's gonna pull the rectum?
You know, that's not what
hunting is all about.
Hunting is about the family.
It's about teamwork.
It's about finding peace.
That night, when we were
T.P.Ing Tim Baker's house,
and I had one of my attacks,
and I tripped and I fell,
you could have left me there
- So rude!
- Okay, one second.
but you didn't...
Because you were my best friend.
And best friends are always
there for each other.
- Yo!
- Fuck yeah!
Beauty, ain't he?
But they threw in the matte
finish horn sheen package.
Unh. Hey, do you like
where I put him?
I could put him between the
bass and the boar's ass.
The plan was to remove all
traces of gentile from Chris,
which turned out to
be a very big task.
I don't get why I have
to sell my truck.
Because Volvos are practical
and they're safe,
But I'm never gonna be able
to fit my kill into a Volvo.
That's why you're
selling the moose head.
All right, $200 it is.
- Deal.
- All right.
Take that with you.
No, let him take it.
Chris, let him take it!
- I'm giving it to him.
- No, you're not.
You're holding on to it.
All right.
That's inappropriate.
- No. Salmon!
- Stop it.
So uh, you think I'm gonna
be ready for tomorrow night?
Ow, ow, ow.
Yes, just do what I said,
and you'll be fine.
Tell me again why I'm doing this.
Because the law states
that you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery if
you've desecrated your body
with tattoos, markings,
or piercings.
Well, that's stupid.
You're dead already.
Who cares?
Have you been taken
care of down there?
Down where?
Have you been circumcised?
- Sorry.
- No.
Besides, it's not that noticeable.
It is noticeable!
Mine looks normal,
and yours looks like a...
like an anteater.
Get that...
get it off of there, man.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
If Chris was gonna stand
a chance with Alison,
he needed a crash course
in the way of the Jew.
Now, I'm your date, and
I need you to give me
seven yiddish words that
you will casually slip
into the conversation.
- Go.
- Goyim.
The second the waiter approaches,
what do you do?
Oh, uh, I'm feeling
a bit of a draft.
Would it be all right if
we move to another table?
Good. Now, you've
been relocated
to the new table,
and what do you do?
Oh, could you please turn
down that loud music?
All right, now we're on
to the ordering process.
Now, you have to
remember that as a Jew,
you have to take
something on the menu
and alter it beyond
all recognition.
- All right?
- Okay.
To change that side
salad to an entree,
and would you mind throwing
a little salmon in there?
Uh, can I have that on the side?
- Pupik.
- Dinner comes.
The salad is exactly how
you ordered it, right?
- Right.
- Take one bite, and you...
- send it back.
- Yes, you send that shit back!
We never eat what we order.
- Ever, ever, ever.
- Ever!
Let's take a walk with it then.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice Volvo.
Thanks. I just got it.
Volvos are the safest
cars in the world,
and they last forever.
- Yeah.
- No nascar getup tonight?
Uh, yeah, I was gonna
wear it tonight,
but, uh, the drycleaner has it.
What you were thinking,
so I made reservations
for 7:00
near 1st and hope.
- It's near the music hall.
- Yeah, sure.
But smokey Joe Jefferson is
playing at the fedora tonight,
so I got us tickets.
- That sounds great.
- Great.
The music hall is on
grand and figueroa.
And I checked traffic.
The 101 is closed
between Barham and highland,
to the 110 north and
then get off on figueroa
put on your seatbelt.
So after I graduated from
penn, I traveled everywhere.
Started with southeast
Asia, went to Thailand,
I even lived in India for a month
Oh, I love that movie.
Sean Connery...
Sean Connery is great in it.
So then after I volunteered
as an aids relief
worker in the Sudan,
I just felt like I needed
to use my finance degree
to help people
in third-world countries
So that's how I started
working for the IDRF.
- Wow.
- And what about you, Avi?
What's it like to be a doctor?
Oh, uh, well...
Yeah, the hours are crazy,
and I'm on call 24/7
for emergencies.
And unfortunately, I have to deal
with a lot of crap.
But at the end of the day,
like you, I love helping people
when their plumbing gets backed up.
I will be your server this evening.
Uh, yes, Claude, I'm feeling
a bit of a draft here.
Do you mind if we move
to another table?
Claude, would you mind
turning down the loud music?
And turning up the lights?
It's so dark in here,
I don't think I'd be able
It would be my pleasure, sir.
But in the meantime, let me
tell you about our specials.
For appetizer, we have
a scrumptious salad
with gorgonzola, candied
walnuts, pears,
Cranberries, and a honey
dijon vinaigrette.
To die for.
Would it be possible to
change that appetizer salad
And could you substitute
feta for gorgonzola,
pecans instead of walnuts,
apples instead of pears,
and Cranberries instead of raisins?
And the honey dijon
can you put it on the side, please?
Anything else, sir?
Yes, and I hope this
isn't too much trouble,
but would you mind throwing
a little salmon in there?
- And for madame?
- That sounds great, Avi.
I'll have the same thing.
Of course.
Thanks, mensch.
So did you always
want to be a doctor?
You know, I mean, being Jewish,
Become a doctor, become a lawyer.
Become a banker and
manipulate the economy.
Go into publishing,
manipulate the media.
God, you are too much.
You're so cute.
Turn your head for a second.
- Did you get a nose job?
- No.
Are you kidding me?
That's your real nose?
That's the hottest
little Jew beak ever.
And for mademoiselle.
Mmm. That looks good.
And for monsieur.
Thank you, Claude.
This looks really good.
Oh, I got...
I'm... I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Here you go.
Thanks, mensch.
And did they turn up the
heat in here or what?
I am starting to schvitz.
Yeah, we should probably go
if we're gonna make it on time.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait.
Let me take a look
at this check here.
Okay, well,
let me just get Claude
over here for a second,
see if I can't Jew him
down on the check.
Hey, are you all right?
You seem a little, you know, quiet.
- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah?
You know, Alison, I, um...
I mean, I shouldn't even
be saying this...
it's our first date, but...
I really like you.
You know, so if I seem weird
or awkward or...
that's why.
I just... I just hope
that this is the first
date of many more to come.
Oh, damn.
Nobody plays jazz better
than the shvartzes!
Aah! Uhh!
Come on.
- Hurry up!
- Okay.
What's taking so long?
Sorry, sorry.
- I am all manscaped.
- Mm.
Trimmed to 1/8 of an inch,
just how you like it.
Like a prepubescent boy down there.
It's so exciting.
Oh... Okay...
Love you.
Good night.
Are we gonna try and make a baby?
It's just I've had such
a long day at work,
and do you mind if
we just, you know,
skip the baby-making?
It's my most fertile
time of the month.
- Okay...
- Now make me a baby.
Right. Guess I could find
some energy.
Why aren't you hard?
It was, like, three seconds.
- Do you want my hair down?
- No, babe, it's not...
it's not you, it's me.
It's him!
I mean, we had sex last
night and this morning
and on your lunch break.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this
but I think that I'm sexed out.
What? What?
You think it's ugly.
I... I think what's ugly?
It's okay.
It's fine.
I see 100 of 'em a day.
I know it's ugly.
Oh, no, no, I think...
no, I don't think
that it's ugly at all.
I think it's beautiful.
Then why don't you
ever go down on me?
Because I... I can't get
you pregnant like that.
Oh, now you're just making excuses!
I am not.
Okay, fine.
You want me to go down on you?
- I'm happy to go down on you.
- Good.
It's part of my manly duty.
Mmm, yummy! I want it.
- Here we go!
- Go!
- It's gonna happen
- Come on.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- I knew it!
- What's wrong?
I was gonna make a
baby with my mouth.
- Oh!
- What happened?
You turned off the light!
I... well, it was bright in here.
And we were going to bed.
Aw, come on.
I'm sorry.
Oh, leave me and my
ugly vagina alone!
Open the door.
Oh, my God... It's ugly.
It's not your vagina.
It's all vaginas.
What side of the
family is this from?
Hey, you've reached Alison Marks.
You know what to do, so do it.
Hey, Alison, it's Avi here.
Just wanted to tell you
I had a great time
with you last night,
and I can't wait to do it again.
So... You got the number.
Call me.
You know what to do. Do it.
Hey, Alison,
where's my jap at?
Where's my jap?
Avi here.
Didn't hear back
from you yesterday.
But I'm sure you were just busy.
Me too. Long day of surgery
at the hospital.
So driving home now.
Thought I'd double
up, give you a call.
So you got the number.
Call me back.
You know what to do, so do it.
Hey, Alison, it's Avi.
I don't know why you're
not calling me back.
I thought we had a really
great time the other night.
And, you know, I thought
we had a real connection.
- Boss! Boss!
- I was hoping that we...
Me and Juan have been
at Mrs. Wazinsky's all day!
Boss, we can't get the
shit out of her pipes!
Yes. Si.
Thank you, doctors Juan and Ramone.
I will be to surgery
in just a second.
Backed up in my life!
- Avi?
- Alison, hi.
Do you want me to get
a restraining order?
Stop calling me.
Oh... Look at this one.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, God!
A little warning, please?
What is that, a before
and after photo?
- Yes. Isn't it amazing?
- No.
It's hard to believe
it's the same vagina.
Which one's your favorite?
I don't know.
- So come on, pick.
- Ooh, yeah.
Do you like this one?
Um... Maybe the, uh...
Or the... "Gentle tulip."
- You like the pearblossom?
- Mm-Hmm.
Well, that's the cheapest one.
There's nothing to it.
Oh, hold on.
All right, relax, relax.
What's going on?
No, I can't meet you right now.
I'm... I'm in the middle
of something.
Relax and...
you know what?
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.
All right, babe. I'm so sorry.
I... I have to go.
What do you mean you have to go?
- And I gotta go meet him.
- Who? What friend?
He's a friend from grade
school... I gotta go.
- You can't leave.
- Why can't I leave?
I don't know which one to get!
Just get one of 'em! Right?
I mean, like, it's not
that big of a deal.
It's a big deal.
This is for you.
I understand.
It's not that hard.
Just go through it.
The "gentle tulip."
"Calla Lily Breeze."
"LA petite canyon."
Ooh, stay away
from "Venus flytrap."
That looks like a...
like a limp starfish,
and I don't want to
be looking at that
when I'm doing wonderful
things to it.
Pick whatever you want.
Any price.
Oh... Looks like my mom's.
Wait, wait, wait, she said,
"stop calling me?"
I'm gonna get
a restraining order."
It takes a special kind of woman
to dance naked at 10:00 A.M.
Give it up for crystal.
Did you complain
there was a draft and ask...
And you took something on the menu
I put salmon on it.
I sent it back.
Jewel, Carla...
Lap dances.
I did everything that
you told me to do.
My pupik was stuffed
from the noshing,
Then I told smokey Joe
Jefferson nobody plays jazz
- better than the Schvartzahs.
- What?
You... you called him
a Sschvartzah?
- Yeah, right to his face.
- No.
- Wait, is that bad?
- Yeah, that's bad!
- Why did you teach me that.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
That's only
a Jew-to-Jew thing,
that I'd ever met, and that she had
the cutest little Jew
beak I'd ever seen.
And I asked the waiter if I could
Jew him down on the check.
Yeah, but she knew that you
were joking... that's different.
Jews don't talk to
each other like that?
No! No! We don't!
- Oh...
- It's over.
- I'm out.
- You are in.
- Oh...
- Oh, you are in.
- Yes.
- Son of a bitch.
Marcy Marks...
President of temple Beth Jacob
wife of my rabbi, and
Alison's mother.
She was also the principal
of my Hebrew school.
From what I know, no man has ever
been good enough for Alison.
But if you can get that
woman's seal of approval,
you might have a second chance.
I'll never forget
that day I met her.
Need some help?
You touch my daughter,
and I'll wear your
balls as earrings.
- Boom!
- Ow.
They've got to be kidding me.
Schlomy and I don't stand a chance.
- Yes, yes.
- Thanks.
I'm telling you the
Fleischmans are unbeatable.
Yes. Good-bye.
Oh, honey, have you tried this
caramel apple skim cappuccino?
It is to die for.
Fleisch... Man.
Caramel apple skim cappuccinos.
The earthquake was all
the way in death valley.
What do you mean I sound sick?
I'm not sick.
What do you mean I sound sick?
Yes, if you send me multivitamins,
- I will take them.
- Good. Good.
Every time we get off the
phone with each other,
we have to say
"I love you."
You're kidding.
- I love you, mom.
- Perfect.
Okay, bye.
Sorry, that was my mom.
Dr. Avi Rosenberg,
may we please now continue
- with the interview?
- Oh, yes, please.
Because I was just
at handlebar coffee,
and they screwed up my order.
I like caramel apple cappuccino.
They gave me a caramel
apple skim cappuccino.
Sure, why not?
Okay, you are single, 31 years old,
unmarried, no children.
Are you gay?
Well, then why aren't you married?
Oh, believe me, Mrs. Marks
there is nothing
that I would like more than to find
a special young lady
who shares my values
and my beliefs.
As a matter of fact,
just a couple weeks ago,
I met a wonderful girl.
We went out.
We had a wonderful first date.
I never heard from her again.
Yes, well, finding
that special someone
is never easy, doctor.
And especially for me.
I just, you know, moved
here from Skokie,
and I'm busy with my
practice, of course,
And volunteering for Hadassah
like I do...
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Yes, mom?
- Colonoscopy.
- Yes, I had my colonoscopy.
- Fiber.
- I do get plenty of fiber.
Mom, I'm sorry but I
have to go, okay?
I do. I love you.
I love the way you wake
up in the morning,
- And then the sunlight comes...
- Too much! Too much!
Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Bye.
I must say that I find
this very unusual.
That a young, attractive,
single doctor
would walk in here by himself
wanting to join this temple.
Now, why don't you tell me
what is really going on?
Mrs. Marks, did you know
that in the last 20 years,
the rate of inter-faith marriage
among our people
has risen from 7% to 40%?
According to the ajc,
by the year 2050,
our people are gonna be
completely wiped out.
Now, I'm just one man.
I can't stop it myself.
But I'm not gonna sit
here on the sidelines
and watch it happen.
That's what's going on.
All right, I'll be right there.
All right, all right.
- So you're in.
- Oh, yeah, I'm in.
She's putty.
Still going down Saturday, right?
You master duplicate bridge yet?
And rubber.
That shit reeks.
You guys really eat that?
Gefilte fish is mandatory.
All right, I'm gonna
put it in this drawer.
Don't take it out till Saturday.
So good to see you.
There's plenty of room over there.
You guys, I want you
to keep eyes forward
and pay attention.
- Marcy.
- Avi!
What a nice surprise.
I'm a new member here.
- That's a beautiful purse.
- Arianne tunney.
- Winter, 2012.
- Really?
I coveted this bag, and I got it.
There's something about this
- that just...
- Wish me luck, lollypop.
Honey, honey, you
are gonna need it.
Oh, today we have a
double bar mitzvah.
- Oy.
- This is our newest member
I was telling you about, Avi.
Has Marcy warned you about
our little penis club?
Oh, no... uh, penis club?
18 years ago, a boy
named Adam Lipschitz
had a panic attack during
his bar mitzvah...
Dropped his trousers,
and exposed himself
to the congregation.
- That's messed up.
- Oh, it is messed up, Avi.
What's even more messed
up is that to this day,
Adam's lewd act has become
the rite of passage
for every boy who's had his
bar mitzvah at our temple.
In fact, there hasn't been a
bar mitzvah boy since 1993
who hasn't shown his penis
to the entire congregation.
I've tried everything.
They won't stop.
I've seen the penises
of 459 young boys.
So unless you're really
into schlongs, Avi,
this ain't the temple for you.
Avi, schlomy and I are
so embarrassed that,
on your very first Saturday
morning service with us,
you had to see... Genitals.
And we sincerely hope that
the fact that our temple
has a penis club won't
make you consider
joining elsewhere.
Not at all, not at all.
What was the name of the young man
who started it all?
I hope I don't run into him.
- Yes, don't we all.
- I've seen enough.
Excuse me, rabbi, would
you like some fish?
Oh, yes, thank you, uh, hyman.
- Thank you.
- Mm-Hmm.
I have to say, our
people have invented
a lot of lousy food,
but gefilte fish
might be the worst.
My advice is to get it over
with as quickly as possible.
Two bites.
Wham, bam... Done!
Ah. Ahh!
- Go away!
- Damn it, schlomo,
- I am coming in there.
- No, you don't wanna see this!
It'll change you.
It changed me.
I'm shitting...
Oh, Marcy, I hate to do
this to you, cupcake,
but I think I'm gonna have to
bow out of the tournament.
No! No!
No, no, no, schlomo.
You are not doing any such thing.
If we have to take some
sort of slop bucket,
- then so be it.
- I'm sorry, lollypop.
We'll just have to
wait another year
to beat those damn Fleischmans.
Darn it. What tournament?
What tournament?
It is the N.B.L.A. Regionals.
We are in the finals.
It starts in three hours.
- Oh.
- But... Well...
I guess that I won't
be going this year.
I play bridge.
Dear God, all I do is help you!
I want to thank all of
you for taking part
in what is the world's
greatest sporting event...
duplicate bridge!
Stand up, feel the sun
you know your time has come
all or none, it's
time to feel alive
So here is destiny
to claim your victory
- gimme a 4 of diamonds.
- 4 of diamonds.
- Give me an 8 of clubs.
- The 8 of clubs.
- Give me an ace of spades.
- Ace of spades.
And what does that spell, Avi?
Bridge, bitches!
- Hoo-yeah!
- Boo-yeah!
You got it, walk away
Stack 'em up and hear...
Jack trump, in yo face!
We have a two-way tie.
- That means...
- Sudden death!
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah!
You've all been
briefed on the rules.
Three boards.
Two out of three wins.
Let's keep it clean.
On your mark, get ready,
here we go, it's time to play
it's a battle, battle,
you had better walk away
Rosenberg/Marks lead 1-0.
They're freaking me
out a little bit.
I've been playing
with them for years.
It's disturbing.
Ooooh! Oh! Oh!
- We can do this, right?
- Trust me.
It's over.
- Trump! What!
- Oh!
Trump, baby!
It's called trump!
- It's called trump!
- I can't believe it.
- You did it!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God!
Who's the big winners over here?
Who beat the Fleischmans?
I beat the Fleischmans.
- We beat the Fleischmans.
- You!
You did it!
You did it.
Oh, you are amazing.
You are totally...
we did it. We did it. Yeah.
- Who wants an autograph?
- Oh, honey.
Honey, did you see us?
- Alison.
- Avi. What are you doing here?
Wait, you two know each other?
This is the girl I told you about.
She never called me back.
How do you two know each other?
That's my daughter.
Can I talk to you
just for a second?
Um, I... I met that guy
at your last mixer.
We went on a date, and
he ended up being
one of the strangest
guys I've ever met.
How can you possibly say that?
I think he is wonderful.
He asked our waiter if he could
And then he said that I had
a cute little Jew-beak.
Oh, I'm sure that
he was just joking.
- He's very funny.
- Really?
Okay, well, then we
went to a jazz club,
and he stood up in
front of everyone
and said that smokey Joe
Jefferson was a Sschvartzah.
Well, he is one, isn't he?
He is a psycho!
I mean, isn't it obvious that
he's, like, stalking me?
Oh, please.
Now come on.
It's not like he has time to stalk.
No, obviously this is some
sort of crazy coincidence
that, you know, it's...
now wait a minute.
A... actually, I... I don't...
I don't think that this
is a coincidence at all.
No, I think that this
just might be fate
trying to get you two together.
All right, Alison,
darling, listen to me.
You are 27 years old.
And have I ever tried to
set you up with anyone?
No! And why is that?
Because I have never felt that
anyone was good enough for you.
Until now.
Mm, mm, mm.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I told you to let me
get to the altar,
look at me for 15 seconds,
let the tension build,
and then slowly pull my veil back.
Can somebody get him
off the shitter?
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Let's just keep going.
We have to keep doing it
till we get it right.
I clocked you pulling back
the veil after four seconds.
Yeah, that's the least
of our problems.
You didn't even have
tears in your eyes
- when you lifted up the veil.
- It's a rehearsal!
Who cares if it's a rehearsal?
Don't you love my daughter
so much that you tear up
every time you see her?
I can't believe you're
being so insensitive.
That she is still recovering
from her surgery?
Oh, by the way, Hannah,
how's your new vag?
Jill! Stop talking
about Hannah's vagina.
Less ugly?
- Dennis!
- Dad!
- What?
- Pookie-poo?
The Daniels are right.
Because we only have three
more rehearsals left
Megan, sweetie, your
pedal throwing's got
Remember, it's three
petals per step.
Screw it up again and
you're both out.
Okay, so let's take
it from the poems.
The poems?
- Yeah.
- Oh, honey.
But I need to see your performance
so I can give you notes.
- "Hannah."
- Yes.
"The day I met you
it was like a dream,
"even more thrilling than my
father's new embroidery machine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
"My feelings toward
you are so extreme
"that sometimes when I'm with you
"I just...
I just wanna s...
- Scream."
- What grade is he in?
"The thought of being without you
"words can't explain.
"If you only knew what
was going on inside...
My br... "
- Ah!
- Brain. Brain!
"I can't believe I'm about to spend
the rest
of my years with you."
"And in just a few minutes...
"I'm going to say the words...
I... I'm gonna say the words
'I... "
What are you doing?
I'm not ready to be a man.
- What?
- Again?
I'm not ready to be a man.
- What!
- I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
- Adam!
- I'm not ready to be a man!
This is why I wanted to rehearse!
What the fuck!
I can't believe I was
so wrong about you.
Why does my mother have to
be right about everything?
You know mothers.
What does it look like I'm doing?
No, no.
I think we should...
I think we should take it slow.
You're kidding, right?
No, no, because, um...
Sex, you know, has a way
of complicating things,
and I wanna get to know you.
I wanna get to know the real you.
I've never met a guy
who wanted to wait.
That is so... Hot.
Oh, shit.
That's my phone.
Hold on, hold on.
What are you do...
what are you doing, man?
I've been calling you all week.
I haven't even heard from you.
What's the mat...
wait, wait, wait.
Who's Hannah?
So then I saw your commercial.
So I went to the palace
and we've been hanging
out ever since.
He never said a word
to us about this.
God forbid he should
tell us anything.
Have you heard from him
at all in the last week?
No, no.
I've been calling him too.
He hasn't returned any of my calls.
What if he was raped and murdered
Did he say anything about
Hannah, about the wedding?
No, nothing. I... I...
- daddy!
- You know what?
I disappeared for six months
before my wedding, right, honey?
Uh, that was me.
That's right, it was...
how are you a doctor?
Oh, my God!
He's gone forever, and I'm
never gonna have a baby!
Oh, God!
I'm never gonna have a grandchild.
God damn it, do something, Bruce!
- I'm not ready to be a man.
- Hello?
- I'm not ready to be a man.
- Adam?
Now the doctors at the hospital
referred you to serenity hills
because they felt
that Adam required
a more intense, hands-on
environment for his condition.
His condition?
Oh, Adam is suffering
from a severe case
of post traumatic stress disorder.
- What the...
- I didn't do it.
I just don't understand
- Not again.
- And your fault.
Honey, you can still
change your mind.
What the...
Seems fine to me.
- Get him!
- Pookie!
Run! Get him!
Get back here!
In case like Adam's, who has
a long history of panic attacks,
what we refer to as the "ha,"
or the hyperaroused state.
Is Adam attempting to isolate
and detach from his feelings,
thus creating what we call
emotional detachment,
or numb nuts...
numbness... numbing.
Now, over the next 21 days,
we are going to be implementing
a series of therapies
and treatments.
21 days. No, no, no.
That is July 2nd.
July 2nd my wedding.
We gotta get him outta
here quicker than that.
Do you have, like,
an express service?
This is our only son
you're talking about.
We're not putting him on
some express service!
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Ugh!
We need 21 days, and if
you cannot give us that,
- then get him outta here!
- No!
We could go swimming.
I don't know.
No, you don't need to cry.
It's gonna be okay.
Is it just me or does that
dolphin look like Hannah?
He never did that with me, ever!
- Fuck you, Adam!
- Fuck you!
Johnny Williams, come on down!
Oh, gosh, I don't think I've
seen this since I was a kid.
It's amazing they can
still find humans
who will actually
appear on this show.
I'm Sala Khan.
I've been assigned to be
your primary counselor.
Look, if you don't wanna
talk, it's no problem.
You don't have to talk.
These things take time.
And I've got all the time you need.
All right, are you
ready for some paco?
- Okay, let's do it.
- Let's walk out.
And give it a drop.
Okay, all right.
Here it goes.
A little tea time.
Why is that only fat people
make it into the showdown?
You know, you wanna sit there
like a vegetable all day
and pretend like you don't hear me,
then go right ahead.
But my job is to
make you well again
by having you face
the traumatic events
that have forced you
into this state.
So... Unless you're willing
to turn off the TV and do that,
then I would save the 2,500
a day you're spending here
and go check yourself into a hotel.
Suit yourself.
You stare all you like, little man.
What did you just say?
Mm, so anyway, the moyil slips,
a piece falls off,
hits me in the punim.
I been cockeyed ever since.
So, Avi, Alison tells
me you're from Skokie.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Al and I
grew up in Glenview.
Excuse me.
Oh, really?
Yeah, we were
practically neighbors.
- Your family still there?
- Nope.
- Where'd they move to?
- They moved...
To heaven.
Oh... I'm so sorry.
- When did they pass?
- They, um...
they passed a few years back.
Can't believe you
never told me that.
Well, it's hard to talk about it.
It's very raw.
- Why, what happened?
- Hunting accident.
- Oy!
- Hunting accident?
- Your par...
- They got shot by hunters.
What were your parents
doing wandering around
where people were hunting?
The hunters were hunting
in our backyard.
What were the hunters
doing in your backyard?
They had gotten lost
and, uh, were off track.
And, uh, my parents were
wearing their brown onesies
and the...
The, um... the hunters
mistook them for elk.
- Elk.
- What happened to the hunters?
- Were they arrested?
- No.
- They are still at large.
- You know what, Avi?
The police in Skokie's
an old friend of mine.
I'm calling him tomorrow.
We'll see if we can't
help move things along.
Forgive me, but weren't you
on the phone with your...
can we... can we talk
about something else?
- Of course.
- I was watching TV last night.
Charleton heston.
What an actor.
Not Jewish, you know.
Who isn't?
So I'm... I'm up there
and we're rehearsing these...
these poems that we had
written for each other.
And... and right at the part
where I'm about to say "I do"
I just... I just cracked.
Good, Adam.
Do you remember how
you were feeling
in that very moment?
I mean, I... I just...
for a split second, I saw
my entire life with Hannah
flash before my eyes.
And why did that scare you?
Probably because I...
I don't think she's right for me.
So then why are you marrying her?
You're avoiding the question, Adam.
I think you do know.
Now what I want you to do
is try to pinpoint the
exact moment in your life
where this pressure you're
feeling originated.
I was 12 years old.
Stop staring at her, Adam.
That is rude!
You cute.
You stare all you like, little man.
You are not, and you will never be,
her little man.
- Why can't I be her little man?
- Because she's not Jewish.
So I can't be with a
girl who's not Jewish?
- That's right.
- Why?
- And we owe it to them.
- Why?
So what does that
have to do with me?
The fate of our entire
religion depends on you!
It depends on me!
It depends on me!
It's all right.
It all depends on me!
It's all right.
It's all right, Adam.
Rosh Hashanah. Oh, God!
Oh, God, bar Mitzvahs!
Oh, God!
Adam, that was really good.
Really good!
I'm here.
Hey, boss, can I get
the Crescent wrench?
Yeah, here.
Ah, gracias.
You have soft hands.
Ugh. Hey, boss, you remember
that one time we went to...
Shh, shh, shh!
Don't say a word.
Hey, hey, beautiful.
How you doing?
Oh, nothing, you know.
Just here at the hospital.
Checking in on patients,
patients, patients.
What's up, baby?
And he talked to the chief
of police in Skokie.
And there's no record
of any Rosenbergs
being shot and killed by hunters.
In fact, there hasn't been
a hunting-related death
in Skokie... Ever.
So I went online to research it,
and I couldn't find anything.
Alison, I didn't wanna
have to tell you this,
but my parents...
Were in the Witness
Protection program.
And when they were murdered,
the FBI destroyed their records.
Oye, boss, tu estas loco.
What were they doing in the
Witness Protection program?
- Jimmy hoffa?
- What about Jimmy hoffa?
Look, I've said too much
already, do you understand?
Avi, I just feel like you're
hiding things from me.
And you never tell me that
your parents were murdered
by elk hunters?
And now they're in the
Witness Protection program?
I'm just starting to wonder
if you might be... Gay.
Whoa, whoa.
Why would you think I'm gay?
Because what guy goes out
with a girl for a whole month
and doesn't wanna sleep with her?
I do, I wanna sleep
with you. I just...
Ew. That is exactly
what my aunt Judy's husband
told her right before
they got married.
And 20 years and two kids later,
she walks in on him tied up
with a rubber ball
gag in his mouth,
being sodomized by a transsexual
who is dressed as Dorothy
from the wizard of oz!
Okay, and I am not gonna
turn out like my aunt Judy.
Okay, okay, okay.
Listen, we will sleep together.
- I... let's do this, baby.
- Really?
- Do you mean that?
- Oh, yeah.
When? When are we gonna have sex?
I get back from the medical
conference in Dallas.
What medical conference in Dallas?
Remember I told you about
that a couple weeks ago?
When are you leaving?
Like, in two hours.
You know, when you in hell,
maybe you and Ted Bundy
can be roommates, cabron.
You know, Bruce, I'm
looking at a bill here
for $42,765, and
considering we said
we'd split all the
wedding expenses,
How is your son going
crazy a wedding expense?
Well, it happened during
a wedding rehearsal,
so I think the case could
be made in a court of law,
- this is a wedding expense.
- Nice try, nice try.
He's got a well-documented
pre-existing condition.
His condition was never that
bad until he met Hannah.
Hey, are you implying
that my daughter
had something to do
with Adam's freak out?
Oh, she's not implying.
- She's saying.
- I had nothing to do with this.
Oh, right, you're not insane.
Everyone, please!
We have worked very hard
to get Adam to the point
he is at in his therapy,
and he has had a very tough time,
but these last few days,
he has truly managed
to come from behind.
- Oh, God, oh, God!
- Mepong, nekock... ho!
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
- Oh, ping-to!
- Fuck.
- What the...
- What? Mom, dad?
- Oh, God!
Get off of my boy!
What are you...
what are you doing?
He never tried that with me!
What is everybody doing
here at the same time?
- Oh, God.
- Oh.
So let me get this straight.
You no longer want
to get married to me
because you're in love with
your Mongolian doctor?
I know this must be a
shock for everyone,
but when Adam finally
opened up to me,
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you mean you just clicked?
We are not going to get anywhere
by attacking each other.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Sala, please continue.
By the way, you're fired.
Well, I'm Buddhist and you know,
both of our religions were
born out of struggle,
so we both place
emphasis on family,
education, and hard work.
And the intense pressure
that Adam feels
is the same pressure I
feel to marry a Mongolian,
so it's no wonder why
we're able to connect.
For 43 grand,
you could have connected with
every chick in Mongolia!
Okay, sala.
Hypothetically speaking,
if you two to were to stay
together and get... Married,
how would you raise your children?
Oh, mom, do we have to
get into this right now?
Well, isn't that what this is for?
Okay, well, the truth is...
- The truth is...
- What's the truth, Adam?
The truth is, I don't know if
I want to raise my kids Jewish!
- Oh, shit.
- Jesus.
Who are you?
Was I not a good mother to you?
Who got you the trampoline
that could poke your eye out?
I did.
And when you were in fifth grade
and you wanted to take
karate lessons in Chinatown,
who drove you there
three nights a week
and sat in the parking lot,
all alone, in the dark?
I did.
And do you know why?
Because you're my son,
and I love you.
And how do you show
your love for me?
You have doggy-style sex
with your Mongolian therapist
on your wedding day!
And then you say to me, "hey, mom,
I'm not sure if I want
to raise my kids Jewish."
Oh, Adam, that's fine!
That's fine, just...
- Mom, stop it!
- Just take it right now!
Oh, okay, Adam, so
you're saying that
our entire time together
meant nothing to you?
- We never hit you!
- We never fondled you!
I got le petite canyon for you!
Honey, honey, I think
we dodged a bullet.
- Yeah, she seems nice.
- I mean,
you better get a good lawyer,
Okay, this. This right here.
You want to know why I went nuts?
It's because all of you are nuts!
Hannah, I'm sorry that
I can't marry you,
but it's better that
we end this right now,
rather than dragging this
on for a long fucking time.
And mom, I'm sorry that
you had to do things
that you didn't want to do.
But you know what?
So did I.
I joined the family business and
became "the embroidery prince."
Well, how happy can a man be?
And to top it off, I've never
dated a woman who wasn't Jewish
my entire life.
Well, you know what?
I'm not doing things for
you guys anymore, huh?
I'm doing things for me,
because I love salad.
- Sala.
- Sala.
And that's pretty cool.
I love you too.
Oh, God.
Are you gonna be paying
by cash or check?
The dorsal slit allows a
tight ring of phimotic skin
to be expanded by shortening
the skin near the incision.
With this technique,
the phimotic skin
is allowed to stay intact,
and finally, the neocrosing crush.
By using the Tara Klamp,
the skin is crushed
for around ten days,
until it suffocates and dies.
With this technique, the skin bonds
without needing sutures.
- Oh, this is tough, though.
- Yeah.
I mean... I mean, you gotta
love the dorsal slit.
- Well.
- Right?
I got the widest variety
of scarring options.
Honestly, I'm kind of partial
to the temporary crush.
Of the sleeve resection, but
you get that pump action
- of the gomco device there.
- Yeah, yeah.
Plus, it reduces your
smegma by, like, 75%.
- It does?
- Yeah.
Done, sold.
Going with the
temporary crush, boy.
Snip-snip time,
Mr. O'Connell.
- Oh.
- Whew.
- Is this your life partner?
- Who?
- Okay.
- Not that that's weird at all,
- but just, you know.
- Okay, Mr. O'Connell.
So me going to turn this
little knobby here on,
and you're going to
just slowly drift away.
Me want you to breathe,
relax, enjoy it.
Breathe in, breathe in.
- I'm scared.
- You have nothin'
to be afraid of, boy.
Nurse boo is Goin' sing
you a little ditty
- and make you feel all better.
- Oh.
When I was only eight days old
hurrah, hurrah
a-Billy Billy Billy bum
when I was only eight
days old hurrah, hurrah
- A-Billy Billy Bil...
- The moyil came
I thought he was going
to take my life
but he only took a
little bit off the top
a little bit off
the top top, top
little bit off the top
Easy there,
Mr. O'Connell.
Next time, don't trust your
circumcision to an hmo.
I think she's nice.
I just... I can't believe
that you're doing all of this
just so you don't have to
make any more decisions.
Oh, Adam.
You don't get it.
All those things that you say
drive you crazy, I love.
- Ah.
- I love that your parents
smother you.
I love that
if they hear about a tornado
in Kansas, they call you,
even though you live
in Los Angeles.
Yeah, we're very nervous people.
You email each other
your itineraries
because you never know.
- You know?
- No.
- You never know.
- Never know.
For the past 5,000 years,
every civilization,
every culture has tried to
have you guys annihilated.
- Yeah, we are not liked.
- I like you.
Like, you're getting the...
Now, Mohammed El-sheikh
El sheen El-sheikh is up here.
Now, he's gonna come up here,
and then, we got Mohammed...
- Muhammad Ali?
- No.
Stop that.
O'Connell here.
Speak up!
Hi, daddy, it's your
son, Christian!
I'm in Tahiti having
myself a mai tai.
What in the hell do
you think I'm doing?
Fighting terrorists,
spreading democracy.
Dad, guess what I'm doing?
Oh, I'm here
with Adam lipschitz.
You remember him?
Adam lipschitz?
Didn't I order you
to stay away from that boy?
No, daddy, we're life partners.
No, sir, that's inaccurate, sir!
Life partners?
Now, what the hell
- Means he's a homo, dad.
- What?
Yeah, we're here at the
hospital, you know,
'cause I... he's with me
so I can get circum...
- circumcised, sir.
- What... no, not for me, though.
Yeah, so I can be a Jew, daddy.
You can be a...
a Jew?
Daddy, I want to tell
you something too,
because I don't think I've
ever told you this before.
We never say this, but I love you.
Daddy, I love you.
- Ow!
- Sorry.
- Ugh.
- You know, I'm glad
like something's missing.
- A little bit off the top
- Ow.
- Top
- Top
- Want to have sex?
- Mm... Not really.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Clear left!
- Clear right!
Didn't I order you to keep
your son away from my son?
- Excuse me?
- Don't you play dumb with me,
- Buck O'Connell?
- Oh, jeez!
Your Adam has turned my
Christian into some gay Jew!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Buck, slow down.
What are you talking about?
They're life partners.
Life partners?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What makes you think this?
He called and told me
while he was in
hospital with your Adam
that he was about to
get his pecker chopped
so they could be gay Jews together.
And then, he told me,
"dad, I love you."
What the hell is going on, huh?
Oh, Dennis, we pushed him
too far, and he snapped.
With all the pressure
that we put on him
to marry a Jewish girl,
the Asian wasn't enough,
and... and... and he...
he went the other way.
- Oh, God.
- Okay, Buck, first of all,
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
- Take it easy, old man.
I'm having a hard time
believing any of this.
Oh, yeah?
Then where's your boy right now?
Buddy, I'm so happy you're here,
- Yeah, please.
- I gotta be honest,
And how many times a day
do you have to do it?
Oh! Really, I can't
do this myself.
- Please, come and do it.
- God.
- Come on, just help me.
- Okay.
Come here.
Put some of that jelly on it,
- and let's get going.
- Okay.
I may gag a little
as we're going here, but...
- that's okay.
- Oh, God.
Everyone gags.
- Ugh.
- Everyone gags.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-hoo-hoo.
- Oh.
- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- Ugh.
I'm actually really
happy that you went
- Really, how's it look?
- Yeah, it looks really good.
More vaseline, more vaseline.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Clear!
Oh, God!
- Ten-hut!
- Drop...
The petroleum jelly, and back
away from my son's anus.
Holy shit.
- I knew it.
- Don't shoot him, dad.
- Mom?
- Adam.
- Dad?
- Damn it, Adam,
jelly's for toast!
Alison, I'm not a Jew,
and I'm not a doctor,
and my name is not Avi Rosenberg.
Well, then who the hell are you?
I'm Christian Thadius
Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell.
I begged my friend
Adam here to help me
pass myself off as a Jew so that
you'd be able to date me.
Penis club?
Alison, how's it going.
Don't you even look at me.
- Rabbi, I'm so sorry.
- You.
- "Penis club"?
- Before Adam came along,
I watched nascar, and I had
the heads of dead animals
and I had no idea that when you
order a salad at a restaurant
you can order the dressing
on the side...
let alone custom-create
your own dishes off the menu.
Hell are you talking about?
I fed you Caesar salad.
Jews can custom-create their
own dishes off the menu.
They're always up to something.
I can hear you!
That's why I messed
up our date so bad,
'cause I wasn't being myself.
And then Adam told me the
only way I'm ever gonna
be able get you back is if
I could convince your mom
that I was the greatest
guy in the world.
So that's why I poisoned your dad
with the rotten gefilte
fish, because I wanted
to partner with your mom
in the bridge tournament.
All right, we finally beat
the Fleischmans, schlomy,
Was there ever a medical
conference in Dallas?
No, I just needed time
to recover from the circumcision.
- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!
I wouldn't mind
having circus vision.
Why would you do all that?
Because I love you.
Alison, I love you.
And I want... I want you to make
every decision for me
for the rest of my life.
Will you do that?
So I'm just supposed to forget
about everything you just said
because you love me?
Yes, please.
Son, stop this hollering and
just propose to the girl.
Don't put the tongue in.
Well, that haircut is awful,
so let me make an appointment
for you with my guy,
'cause he's the best.
I should take that as a "yes," huh?
- Yes.
- I'll take that as a "yes."
- Oh.
- Mazel tov.
Schlomy, we've got a plumber.
Christian Thadius Reginald
Mcarthur O'Connell... Rosenberg.
Now, that's a nice Jewish name.
We are so thrilled that
you finally decided
to come on a moose hunt with us.
I can't wait to kill
me a ten-pointer.
I'm gonna skin him and gut him
- and pull out his rectum.
- Shh.
- That's the spirit.
- Nobody is pulling out
- Think of it, e coli.
- You could be more...
you could get bacterium.
There are no wipes
here that I can see.
Shut up!
Stop the kvetching.
Marcy, yarmulke man, take a knee.
- Oy, cramp.
- Careful.
Not like that!
For God's sake.
I remember when my father took
me out for my first hunt.
We all fought like crazy
over who's gonna be the lucky one
- to pull out that rectum.
- Ah.
- That's what they do.
- Oh, thank you.
- Nog, baby?
- Damn right.
- Nog, baby?
- Oh, daddy loves mama's nog.
Nog, baby?
I'm not really much of a nog guy.
You know, the dairy kind of
makes my acid reflux kick in,
and I'm not even sure if
the eggs are cage free,
one sip won't kill me, I guess.
- Nog, baby?
- Oh, yeah.
- Moose!
- Oh, yeah!
Nar nuteng and jebei n whatever,
my wife and I, we want to thank
you for your hospitality
- and for these beautiful hats.
- Oh.
My father says it's an honor
and they've learned a
great deal of wisdom
from all of you this week.
Thank you, thank you.
My mother says you're gonna
love the fried marmot.
- It's a speciality.
- Oh, Dennis, did you hear that?
I can have fried food
once every few months.
That you shouldn't have
fried food, I just...
- Just eat what they order.
- But I... why?
We're not even kosher.
Why do you care?
I had a dream
where we saw everyone with
a smile on their face
oh, I had a dream
of a day when our love
took the place of our...
I was depressed.
I was self-conscious.
I realized
that my God-given vagina
wasn't the vag I
wanted God to give me.
Hi. I'm Dr. Bill Ginsburg,
founder of vagina beautiful.
Our state-of-the-art
surgical procedures
will transform your va-va-blah
into a va-va-LA.
Call now for you free,
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Dr. ginsburg
turned my grand canyon
into le petite canyon, and
forever changed my life.
In fact, I was such a
satisfied client...
That I became one of
the doctors here.
And my wife.
Gift yourself the vag
that you deserve.
Don't let your labia
interfere with your life.
Oh, sweet love
- there was
- Peace and harmony
- whoa
- Oh, sweet love
- yeah, yeah
- Peace and harmony
yeah I had a dream
not a dream for myself
but for all of Jew-kind
I had a dream
I saw Jesus and Moses
singing gospel
all together now
oh, sweet love
- oh, oh, oh
- Peace and harmony
- oh, they were
- Oh, sweet love
- yeah
- Peace and harmony
Jews and asians
walking hand in hand
smoking schiksas
with a Jewish man
even Moses gotta lend a hand
I'm thinking love
shalom, shalom
I had a dream
where I saw every Jew
paying retail guilt-free
I had a dream
where I saw every gentile
order dressing on the side
- yeah
- Oh, sweet love
- they were
- Peace and harmony
I want to tell you about it
oh, sweet love
- yeah
- Peace and harmony
all together now
oh, sweet love
- whoa-ho
- Peace and harmony
- sweet love
- Oh, sweet love
- yeah
- Peace and harmony
- Whoo
- Oh, sweet love
peace and harmony
oh, sweet love
Peace and harmony