Jhoom Barabar Jhoom (2007) Movie Script
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
Find no gain or loss within the
priceless knots of love
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze The
spark of love's a raging fire
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze The
spark of love's a raging fire
Our eyes they fly
like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew,
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O when it strikes and
where no one knows
But when it hits,
it hurts and it shows
Rabba..
From every wound a little joy derive
Pain's the price of being alive
Rabba..
Hear a little truth and
a piece of a lie..
..They'll hum in chorus
inside of your eye
They'll wax they'll wane and
wax and wane, like candles
They'll wax they'll wane and
wax and wane, like candles
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew,
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O Then there's no problem..
Deal. Bye.
Bulla Man,.. What's cooking?
Hullo..
Buddy Boy, l make promise
l keep promise.. Chill,
What's up Sukesh Bhai? Relax relax,
Not so fast. First my commission.
Then take it. Or should l call
my dad to read it for you?
Why are you insulting your dad?
lnsulting? Take your commission,
give me the ticket.
- Hey not the whole shop, just take
four. - Chelsea champion..
And with this, four lottery tickets.
Two..
Ok.. don't call me if lndia
makes it to the finals.
Ok my lord.. go ahead take four..
- Sorry. - Yeah right,
l'm not that type. l got class.
Why're you glaring at me?
You saw the way she glared
at me..? l got class man.
Forget it. Tickets..
Bangladesh-Canada, Who
wants Bangladesh-Canada?
l want lndia-Pakistan, Rikki,
Rikki, Damn it,
Oh no, an hour late,
O blimey, One hour late,
lf the apartment won't
fit in the budget..
..we'll fit the budget
into the apartment.
Gotta go now.. Mum's
calling from Bhatinda.
Yikes,
A man's gotta sit so
a man's gotta sit..
..just focus on your sandwich man,
if she glares her eyes will hurt..
Look it was an accident,
l got class..
Never mind,
Ok.. ok, l also don't mind..
Did l say you could sit?
And you didn't say l couldn't..
They're all occupied.
Whatsup..
Hasn't reached yet?
l swear by Chelsea l sent it
first thing this morning..
Whatchyasaying l won't lie
in the name of Chelsea..
So what's your sun-sign?
Listen l'm already engaged..
l've come to receive my fiance
- he's on the train from Birmingham.
So?,
What am l doing? Am l
making a pass at you?
Typical lndian mentality.
Sorry..
Never mind..
We all make mistakes..
Me self Rikki.. Rikki Thukral..
And l'm Alvira.. Alvira
Khan from Lahore..
Not typical lndian mentality..
Thank God,
Napkin?
Take it..
My best friend also Pakistani.
Huffy Bhai.. Hafeez Pathan,
business partner..
He brings the latest lndian
movies from Pakistan..
l make copies of the DVDs
and market them..
Marketing pirated DVDs.. Wow.
As if you've never watched
a pirated movie.
l don't watch lndian movies.
Whatchyasaying?
lt's true.
So you watch Pakistani movies?
They're crap.
l only watch foreign language films..
..French, Chinese, lranian..
At times Hollywood.
At times Hollywood,
And that's good. Which is why l'm not
even in the DVD business anymore..
Now Huffy Bhai and l are
Property Agents..
My folks.. they love lndian movies..
Papa wanted to name me Madhubala,
Mama got stuck on Sadhna.
Alvira is very beautiful name.
Flirting again..
Why should l.. l'm engaged
too. See original Topaz.
l've come to pick up my fiance too..
..she's coming by the
same train as your fiance..
Does she even have a name or
you always call her fiance?
No she's nameless.. what a question,
So what's her name?
Anaida..
So how did you two meet up?
First time, we met at the Hotel Ritz.
Ritz?
The one in Paris..
The same one where the Princess
Diana-Dodi episode happened..
l was there that night.. Diana
was looking amazing..
l was just five feet away.. Had l
reached out l could've touched her..
And then appeared Anaida.. Hundred
times more beautifuler than Diana..
She was the Assistant
Manager at the Ritz..
As Diana and Dodi reached the gate..
..suddenly photographers popped
out of everywhere..
Everybody was looking at Diana..
..but l was looking at Anaida
Diana-Dodi's story was
coming to an end..
..and Rikki-Anaida's love
story was about to start
Haven't you heard..
When two love-birds die
another two are born.
You were wearing a suit?
Yeah..
You see..
God made Man..
.. And Tailor made Gentleman.
God made Man and after that
Tailor made Gentleman.
..Huffy Bhai says.
Can't imagine you in a suit.
Goodness..
Such a historic moment and you're
worried about my suit..
Had you and Huffy Bhai gone to
rent out the Eiffel Tower?
We're also into antiques in a big
way.. We'd gone to Paris for a deal.
DVDs, property, antiques.. Wow.
Just not fashionable doing one
business these days, boss.
Huffy Bhai was bringing the seller
and the antiques from Bombay..
..and l was handling
the buyers in Paris.
And these antiques were
obviously stolen.
They would have rotted
away in lndia anyway..
..what's the harm if a few people
make some money out of it?
lt's 100./. hard earned money, madam.
Yeah right,
Want to hear the rest of the
story or should l leave?
After finishing the story.
We'd been waiting for more
than three hours..
l was getting desperate..
when would Huffy Bhai come..
..when would this deal get over..
..and when would l celebrate
with Anaida..
Hello..
Rikki my darling,
Huffy Bhai..
Where are you man?
Got stuck in Bombay..
Whatchyasaying,
l'll get screwed..
Cops snatched the goods darling..
What about you?
Slipped out the moment l smelt
trouble.. Have the buyers left?
Nope.. they're all here..
Better slip out Rikki, slipping
in and out is what we do best.
And look, just handle them with care.
They're babbling something in French.
l think they're cursing..
Hello.. Monsieur, don't go..
Hello.. hello..
- Hello.. - Excuse me sir..
Your bill..
..please.
Huffy Bhai he's asking
for my signature..
He's climbing onto me Huffy Bhai.
One minute please..l
ine cut.. l don't..
- Huffy Bhai. - Signature..
You were staying at The
Ritz with empty pockets?
The antique seller coming from lndia
was to finance the trip..
l didn't even have enough cash
to watch cabaret at Lido..
Where was Anaida in all this?
Coming to that, boss..
First let me get out of the room..
Couldn't have walked out with the
suitcase, they'd have caught me..
..so l stuffed everything
in my pockets..
..wore my clothes on top of
each other and walked out.
l'm Slim Shady, my Mamma's Slim Shady,
please stand up, please stand up..
She was just two feet away..
..she looked at me and said..
Are you alright sir?
l died,
She was being so nice to me and
l was sneaking out of the hotel,
Check air-conditioning..
Any call tell l back evening ok..
Ok.
Keys..
Signature sir,
Excuse me..
Credit Card payment.. non..
Why?
Last bill.. when did you pay?
Just paid before coming.
Credit card company says you haven't
paid your dues for a year.
Liars,
Never go for this card..
l'm really regretting.
Careful with that please..
it's invaluable.
Lottery ticket..
First prize one million pounds..
second prize free trip to Hollywood.
At this moment you're holding
a million bucks in your hand.
Monsieur Thukral, l'm sure you will
win the lottery some day..
..you'll become a millionaire
some day..
..but the bill you'll
settle today. Now,
Anaida Madam..
Now look..
Just by living in France you
don't become French..
..you got lndian blood
in those veins.
Mon pere et mere etre Karachi.
Blood is Pakistani, Monsieur
Thukral, not lndian.
Pakistani,
l was screwed.. she was going to
kill me with 60 years of hatred.
You lndians are amada to fight
but always blame Pakistanis.
Amada means..?
Don't you know what amada means?
Sorry l don't.
lt means ready.. always
ready to fight.
l'm just amada to tell
you my love story.
Am l fighting with you?
Why would you fight with me?
l'm not even Pakistani.
l'm British you know..
Oh you're British.. They what's the
quarrel.. Long live the Queen..
So where was l?
..there was Anaida, in her chair,
and here l was standing beside her..
What are these two going on about?
That l call the cops.
No no no need cops. Just think..
..if this episode hadn't happened..
if we'd met like normal people, the
situation would've been very different.
Together we would've gone
to Eiffel Tower..
..climbed to the
top and screamed..
l love you Rikki, l love you Anaida,
l said watch it,
Ok.. ok.
Tell me what l have to do..
l will do it..
Till the entire bill is
squared, l'm yours..
..even otherwise l'm yours..
Just follow me..
These stay with me.
Can l take off my clothes?
l'll drown in my sweat.. please..
Where's the bathroom?
Solomon..
Rikki..
What a cruel woman this Anaida,
Hey..
..you're talking about my fiance,
Sorry..
After washing how many
plates did she melt?
What is my name?
Rikki Thukral.
Righto,
Ullu ka pattha..
Paththa..
Never mind.. try this..
Harami, (Hindi swear word)
Harami..
Well done, Harami means..
my dear.. Anaida where?
Say it in Hindi..
Why cry?
Madam..
What do you want?
Me? Nothing..
Hanky you want.
Just leave me alone..
Take take..
My best friend also Pakistani..
No.. l have these..
This special hanky..
Makes beautiful face more beautifuler.
See.. tears going..
..smile coming.. more beautifuler.
Merci..
But why cry?
lt's Diana's funeral..
Today?
Where? London?
l so badly wanted to go.
So don't feel sad..
Let's both go to London..
l couldn't get leave.
That's so unfair..
No leave even for such
an important thing..
They really overwork you.
Look, but when you come to London
next stay at my house..
lt's small.. but very nice.
No..
Actually, it's too small for you..
Thukral..
Want to go home?
lf l let you go my boss will fire me.
Believe me, Anaida madam..
Moment you let me go l'll be back
from London in a jiffy with the money.
But if you don't.. l will be screwed.
l will not allow anybody screw you..
One chance, please.
Soon as l landed in London, l went
straight to Diana memorial..
To offer flowers..
You went to offer flowers?
l'd never waste money
on dead people..
l would think so.
Huffy Bhai is a die-hard
Diana lover..
.. even now if you mention her name,
he gets a sigh attack..
My instrument is broken, here l am,
a musician without fame..
My beloved is gone, here l am,
living without shame..
l'm in a mess Huffy Bhai.. - What?
Have to go back to Paris to settle
the hotel bill.. gimme some money.
Have you gone mad?
Have we ever settled anything
that we'll settle a bill?
No..
But this time we will..
please gimme some money.
lf Huffy Bhai says no, then
it's a no. End of story.
Now forget about it dear..
see what l have here..
l've been through hell and you're
showing me this photo.
Not just any photo.. look behind it.
We'll go dancing to Hollywood my
boy.. you won the lottery Rikki,
You won the lottery, Your Hollywood
dream has come true,
We're going to Hollywood my boy,
we're going to Hollywood,
Why are you stumped?
- Lost it.. - Not lost..
it's with Anaida.
- Who's that? - Hotel's manager..
What does she look like?
- Very beautiful.
- Not another word l understood
everything. - Understood what?,
Had to leave the suitcase
and wallet with her..
She wasn't letting me leave..
the ticket's in the wallet.
How many times have l told you,
stay away from women..
..they snatch things that matter.
- Now go back and get
the ticket. - How?
Without the money for the bill..
she'll get me arrested..
Here..
What all you make me do..
Huffy Bhai must you lift
your shirt everywhere..
lf l move l'll lose my place.
Here. And don't tell that
girl you won. Understood?
Now get lost..
l'll get you perfume from Paris.
Yea, l'll have a real perfume
party. Now scram,
l dreamt of going to Hollywood..
..but the lottery ticket was
financed by Huffy Bhai.
My heart was dying to live the
Hollywood dream with Anaida.
But l made my heart understand..
She's Miss World, you're Rikki Thukral
Why would she go with you? Huffy
Bhai is what you get Rikki..
Settle the bill get
the ticket.. simple.
Hullu ke paththa,
What's baldy saying?
He says, can't believe you're back.
l had to.. My lottery
ticket's still with you.
You came for the ticket?
And to settle the bill..
..it's all there.. including
the taxi-fares.
Good..
Solomon..
And my stuff?
Solomon.. his stuff.
Harami why is she so touchy today?
Why angry?
My ticket,
Madam..
What do you want?
That..
What that?
That which is in your hand..
that's mine too.
lt's in my hand.. so it's mine.
Whatchyasaying?
lt was in my purse.. which
l left with you..
- With whose permission
did you go? - Yours..
And if l hadn't let you go?
l'd have rotted away..
or gone to jail.
And that didn't happen.
So?
So this ticket is.. My fee..
Fees?
For saving you.. How
do you say.. My cut.
Au'revoir..
My God, What a creep..
l know..
So then how did you get engaged?
That's another story altogether..
[ Skipped item nr. 392 ]
lf my eyes were a crystal palace blue
Walk right in, wouldn't you?
Just for one day if not two
What's life without you
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Give me all the pieces or
a fragment of your heart
Or else give me back my
Ticket to Hollywood
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Two inches off the ground you
walk, stepping on thin air
Leave a hint, a footprint,
and l'll stop and stare
At the corner of that sidewalk,
that's closest to your lair
Say the word and l'll wait
my life right there
No, no monsieur, no, no,
lt ain't that simple now
Go get lost somehow
This is all you'll ever get,
not a Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Gimme gimme gimme, gimme my ticket
Gimme gimme, gimme my ticket
No no no no no no no,
monsieur no no
No no no no, monsieur no no
My Ticket to Hollywood
No Ticket to Hollywood
My Ticket to Hollywood
No Ticket to Hollywood
lf my eyes were a crystal palace blue
Walk right in, wouldn't you?
Just for one day if not two
What's life without you..
lt's stubborn as a mule
So heartless it's uncool
When this heart gets set on something
it gets set in stone
You're the queen of France
l'm just a whistler in a trance
Trust me baby where l come from
that's not how it's done
No no monsieur, no no,
it ain't that simple now
Go get lost somehow
Or else give me back,
my Ticket to hollywood.
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Give it back..
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood, Ticket to..
Okay enough.. it's not funny anymore.
You want to go don't you?
You go then..
Hollywood would suit you best..
Huffy Bhai and l wouldn't
fit in all that glamour..
We got some kicks while waiting
for the results..
..that's enough for us..
You'll take pictures won't you..
..remember to send me..
l'll see Hollywood through your eyes.
Take.. take..
To hell with your ticket..
Why did you make me run then?
l want Thukral not the ticket..
l was waiting..
Thukral will come..
l will hug him..
..he will kiss me..
How many Thukrals do you know?
Only one stupid, idiot, moron, Thukral
..who came back for his lottery
ticket, not for me.
Whatchyasaying?
Just go to hell..
Don't be angry.. please..
Thukral actually came back for you..
..all the time dreaming of
going to Hollywood with you.
Then why didn't he ask me?
You're Miss World..
..and he's Rikki Thukral..
..even if he touched you,
you'd get spoiled..
Didn't get spoiled using his hanky..
..in fact, became more beautifuler..
There'll only be one
bed for two people.
We can adjust..
..it's only for seven days..
Seven days that's it?,
Thukral was thinking of adjusting
his entire life with you.
Full life adjust.
Ok..
Whatchyasaying?,
l'm saying l love Thukral, you idiot.
l love you Anaida,
You sacrificed the ticket on her?,
The moment she said my cut..
..that was the turning
point of my innings..
That's when l made up my mind,
she was just my type..
Ticket was no big deal, l'd
have sacrificed my life.
Must admit..
What?
You're a die-hard romantic.
Whatchyasaying?
Moment ago you couldn't even share
the table with me and now..
And now what?
Now..
..your turn.. tell me..
..how did you meet your fiance?
Now don't be an aunty ji.
Oh l get it.. arranged is it?
Boy from Birmingham.. five figure
salary, good moral character..
- Hobbies cricket and.. - Rubbish..
So it's not arranged?
Superman brought us together.
He sells comic books?
Have you been to Madame Tussaud's,
the wax museum?
Of course l've been..
..they have several
models of our guys..
Gandhi ji, Nehru ji, lndira
ji, Ash ji, Amit ji..
..our good ol' Bachchan..
..very few of your Pakistanis..
Anyway.. so you went to Tussaud's ..
.. with my cousin Humera..
There was a Superhero Special
at Madame Tussaud's..
Batman, Hawkman, Aquaman, Superman..
..giant sized models everywhere..
Humera, my cousin was jumping from
one to the other screaming..
.. Aapi take a picture of this..
.. Aapi take a picture of that..
Watch out,
lf the fake Superman had fallen
on me, it'd have squashed me..
But the real Superman saved my life..
l was dying to kiss him
and say l love you..
So.. you kissed him?
Didn't even say l love you.
l took an oath when l
was six years old..
Dear God l will never fall in love with
a dark-skinned Pakistani or lndian..
Please find a nice white-skin British
man just like yourself to marry me.
Amen
- Hello. - Hi..
Sorry, l'm on the phone
Yeah this is Steve..
Bollocks, l've already said
l don't want his case..
Don't ever call me again..
Your name's Steve?
Yeah..
But you're..
Mum British..
Dad Punjabi..
Ouch, My foot.. God it hurts.
Left or right?
Both..
You were badly hurt?
No silly.. l pretended
so he would stay.
Way to go boss, l'd
have done the same.
..but what about the oath?
He is half Brit isn't he..
..so l compromised.
Must admit..
Drink something
l'll have .. Pepsi,
No not Pepsi, Seven Up..
Actually Tango..
..and chips, cookies
and that chocolate..
l was praying that a
miracle would happen.
..and Humera would vanish forever..
..and not ruin the foot massage.
Those fingers were just magical
Fingers so delicate, arms so strong..
..he carried me all the
way to my bedroom..
He was forcing Michelle to dance ..
Michelle?
Yeah.. that's her name..
Michelle didn't want to dance..
..but he insisted..
l stopped him ..
He hit you so hard?
Just a scratch.
He's still going through
plastic surgery..
So then you and Michelle .. Got
married or still dating?
She wasn't the one.
O ..
Your parents are amazing ..
He barged into your bedroom
and they didn't even mind.
Why would they .. he saved
their daughter ..
Papa-Mama had found
their son-in-law..
Son-in-law,
You met the thug an hour ago.. and
you're already planning marriage..
Thug,
With a foot-long scar on his face..
has to be a thug,
Forget it l'm not telling
you the rest of the story.
Ok sorry..
You get stuck in these small details.
The flavour is all in
the small details ..
How did he look..
What did he say..
How did he touch..
Where did he touch..
Ok so who touched what where?
Good night.
Don't let Superman bite.
Good night.
Shit, Phone number,
Steve..
Steve,
Hey Steve.. give me your
number.. please,
Where would l have found him ..
There are thousands of
Steves in London ..
Next day was like hell ..
..but when l came back from
work next evening ..
..then..
l'll get it,
Hello?
Hi ..
Thanks for the flowers
and the chocolates..
Can you walk alright ..?
Just about ..
Then you need another
round of massage.
My car's waiting for you.. Bye..
Bye,
Find it funny.. l was in such pain..
You lied..
lf you lie ..
..it always catches up with you.
Lie, go ahead and lie..
..but make sure it's palatable..
..Huffy Bhai says.
So then you limped all
the way to meet him.
l hopped, skipped and
jumped to his office..
..but as l entered the edifice..
l was psyched..
lt's not that l have holes
in my pockets..
..but this guy was bigger
than Prince Charles..
A snap of his fingers..
..and all the Bond Street beauties
would line up at his door..
For a moment l was scared..
..then l thought,
let's deal with it.
Hi Al ..
Al?
How do you know..?
Friends call you Al..
Mama-Papa call you Allo ..
Allo's cute ..
Please, Sounds like the
name of a fat cat.
..Work at the House
of Fraser ..Manager.
Visit the church every
morning before office.
A five minute prayer. Five minutes.
No more, no less.
This guy's a police officer
or a gangster?
Are you a gangster or
a police officer..
l haven't committed a crime?
Yes you have..
..You made me fall in love with you.
What do you do in such a huge office?
Lemme guess ..
..blackmailing.
Pretty close.
We're lawyers. Singh and
Smith and Company..
You're Steve Singh of 'Singh
and Smith'?, Wow,
You're so .. so ..
Horrible?
And young too..
Now explain the pictures..
You're not going to decorate
your house with them are you?
Not a bad idea..
Steve,
Okay look ..
This company has a board of directors
..are you with me?
Good ..
..now the board has decided ..
..that l should propose to you ..
Propose?,
How does the board know about us?
The board knows everything ..
Ok.
l don't care on whose
behest you propose..
..go ahead propose. l'm ready,
The proposal is that you
sue Madame Tussaud's..
..for the Superman accident..
..and appoint me your lawyer..
But don't accept this proposal..
l've done my duty.
l'll tell the Board of Directors..
..that you've refused.
But why don't you want me
to sue Madame Tussaud's?
lf l wasn't in love with
you, l'd love you to.
Within seconds l would've gotten
you to sign the papers ..
Within days.. l would've
used you as a client..
lf, l wasn't in love with you..
How much money?
About a million ..
Million pound,
Wow, Million pounds?
Champagne or juice?
Ok..
Champagne okay or juice okay?
l accept your offer.. ok.
Al ..
Can l call you Al?
Hmm ..
Al .. you don't have to
get involved in this.
But l want to get involved.
You've done so much for me ..
..the least l can do is help you.
Al ..
..you're such a simple girl..
Who says l'm simple?
Come let's fix the deal ..
..if we win you take your
commission from the compensation.
..but if we lose, it's your loss.
Smart girl,
Steve said the same thing.
Smart girl.
Okay .. deal.
- To Superman, - To Superman,
This isn't the right time.
Why?
lt's eight thirty..
too early for you?
Ms. Khan ..
l'm your lawyer ..
you're my client ..
..our relationship should stay
professional till we win the case..
Till then ..
Let's stay away.
Too much..
lsn't it.
Really too much. Really.
How did he stop himself
at the last moment?
Not everybody can do that ..
you need to have balls.
This is called self control.
This is called.. class.
Just look at her.. my client.
Does she want riches?
No.
Does she want revenge? No my lord.
She wants your compassion,
your sympathy..
..and my love..
[ Skipped item nr. 736 ]
Hey, Stay away from
the Kiss of Love..
O they kill me, those tangy eyes
Kiss of love, kiss of love
Falling stars fill up my skies
Kiss of love, kiss of love
O they kill me, those tangy eyes
Kiss of love, kiss of love
Falling stars fill up my skies
Kiss of love, kiss of love
O when l steal a peek into your eyes
You rob me of a breath
O when l steal a peek into your eyes
You rob me of a breath
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
O the helpless trappings
Of this brazen heart
A night seems like eternity
When it's spent apart
Your love has made me many things
A weaver, too, of dreams
l lie awake a thousand years
Sleep a thousand it seems
When you drop your bashful gaze
The stars come tumbling down
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
The English court of Law decides
the case in favour of Ms. Khan.
To you, my plea
Do your duty
Touch my pulse
And set me free
Don't turn back for
a peek at the world
You might trip and tumble down
With a foot thump swing
in dance and a twirl
This moment will come around
When you drop your bashful gaze
The stars come tumbling down
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Stay away, stay away, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Stay away, stay away, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Hey, Stay away from the kiss of love
So you two ..
Got engaged.
No l mean you and he .. you know ..
..you had sex?
We made love.
Good good .. nice..
But your hero.. he's kind of filmi..
Much better than you.
lsn't stingy in buying flowers
for his girlfriend.
He's much stingier than me..
..if he's such a millionaire why
isn't he coming by air to meet you?
..why is he coming by train?
Because of work..
..there's a case involving
British Railways..
..which he's investigating
on the train..
Great now he's going to
screw the railways..
What?
Ok fine he's not stingy ..
..but he's still a lawyer ..
..you be careful.
How'd you know? You
haven't even met him?
As if meeting him is going
to change anything ..
lt'll change your opinion of him.
Fine, so we'll meet.. Just
a matter of another hour.
Oh blimey,
Get going buddy. The train
must have arrived..
You took so long to tell the story.
Because you kept interrupting.
Let's not fight now.
Ok.
You carry on.. l'll just
buy some doughnuts.
Doughnuts?,
For Anaida.. she must be hungry.
That's very sweet.
l got class.
Bye.
Bye ..
When did this train get here?
Half an hour ago ..
But wasn't it an hour late?
Late?, Left Manchester on time..
Manchester?, What happened
to the Birmingham train?
O blimey, Another hour late,
[ Skipped item nr. 831 ]
Another hour late,
Damn,
Blimey,
Coffee?
Only coffee.
l'll have a doughnut with my coffee.
No, l don't mean that ..
..only coffee, nothing else ..
..you know.
l know l know .. l love Anaida.
So? l love Steve.
Steve seems the cuppa tea type..
No cuppa tea, only coffee..
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Disgusting.
She's nice.. why disgusting?
Not her. You're disgusting.
You're worse than my neighbour.
What does he do?
Lives in the house right
opposite mine.
Whenever l'm in my room he spies
on me through his telescope.
You must be doing something
to tempt him.
Me?
Aho, Aho, Aho,
l don't do anything..
C'mon game.
l'm not playing.
First you'll do one thing that you've
never done but l've done,
Then l'll do one thing that l've
never done but you've done.
l've done everything..
Your turn first.. follow me.
l'm not going anywhere.. we play
right here, in front of everybody.
l'm not that kinda guy..
l got class man..
lf l wanted to kiss
you l'd have asked.
This is the limit.
You.. just forget it.
Just sip the coffee and
read the newspaper..
Sorry.
Go up on that escalator.
But it's coming down.
So? You've never climbed up an
escalator that's coming down?
l have. Many times.
Off you go. This is the game.
This is crazy.
l don't bother for it..
Hold this.
Get started..
You gone crazy.
Mind your own business.
This escalator's coming down.
Oh really l didn't know.
You'll hurt yourself.
Keep quite,
ldiot,
Moron,
Not bad.
Ok.
Ok my turn next.
Rikki eveready..
Have you ever gotten a tattoo done?
No.
Have you?
Liar.. show.
Can't.. it's here..
l'm not doing anything
till l see it myself.
God you're impossible. Hold this..
Higher..
Here.
Happy.. ?
But what is it?
Butterfly.
Oh.
Show again.
You wish, C'mon,
Bring it on big mamma.. kill me..
Boom Shankar,
Just imagine..
..if you and l were not engaged..
..and Anaida and Steve had bumped
into each other on the train..
Now just suppose..
..if Steve-Anaida had met..
had coffee together..
..chatted up..
..you think they would've hit it off?
Fallen in love?
Then Steve would've
been Anaida's Rikki..
..and Anaida would've
been Steve's Alvira.
Then what would've happened
to Rikki and Alvira?
You flirting?
What do you mean by Rikki and Alvira?
Why don't you just say you and l..
Right ok..
..if we had met, just like that..
l mean..
..if Steve and Anaida were
out of the picture..
Then what would've happened?
Say..
[ Skipped item nr. 934 ]
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
lf l'm shy l'll face
your warm embrace
Entwine your breath in mine
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Here's the Taj Mahal.
A red stone Taj?
lt is the Taj. Someone's
painted it red.
Tell me this monument's
name, or l'll leave.
King Humayun's Tomb.
Didn't have the money to take you
to Agra and show you the real Taj.
Sorry.
From today Humayun's Tomb
is the Taj for me..
As beautiful as our love..
Come exchange your sleep for mine
Give me a dream, take one from me
There's one dream trapped
inside these eyes
One beneath a pillow moon
Let's put to bed this sleepless sky
Come join me in a lullabye
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
One should cover their head before
entering a Gurdwara (Sikh temple)
Even in the Dargah.
Must cleanse your body before
offering prayers to the Gurdwara..
Same at the Dargah.
What l get from my Guru, will
l get from your shrine?
They both house the love divine..
My devotion is your devotion..
Your love is my love..
lt took us an endless age to say
Two words, one eternal thought
That one day seemed a hundred years
Another hundred the night forgot
How would it be if soft,
slow, silent
Eternity were in a moment caught
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Taj,
No, Humayun's Tomb.
As beautiful as our love.
No profit, no loss,
no virtue, no sin..
Love infinite love..
Marry me.
Then every year we'll celebrate
our wedding anniversary..
..right here at Taj.
Every year Taj?
Promise.
l accept.
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
lf l'm shy l'll face
Your warm embrace
Entwine your breath in mine
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Hold me halke
So..
What would've happened
between us..
..if Steve and Anaida
weren't in the picture?
What would've happened?
Would've been war.
Right..
.. war.
Nothing else could've happened.
No chance at all..
The train coming in from Birmingham
has arrived on Platform number 3.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Train's come too soon.
Soon?
Late by two hours..
Late it is but still
too soon isn't it?
Sorry?
You go get your doughnuts.
Bye.
Hey wait,
You don't have my number?
Why should l?
May come handy..
Flirting again.. ?
Marketing..
Ok..
My number's 7902653241 .
ln case you ever need a lawyer..
Why would l want to sue anyone?
Keep it.. may come handy.
Bye.
Hey Jajjan, cuppa tea here.
Yeah.. am on my way.
Yeah
..where are you? Been waiting
for the last two hours..
At the station, couldn't wait at the
platform for two hours could l?
Now why would l lie..
Have l ever lied to you?
Ok. l'm coming..
Relax my dear.. l am here..
Coming to meet you Huffy Bhai,
Where are you man?
What do you mean?
You're following Karachi time,
we're in England,
Salawalekum Phupho (Aunty) Hi Humera,
How was the trip?
- How are you? - Smashing.
Give me.. l'll take that.
- Meet these guys..
Let's go.. - Ok.. come along.
Hang on, let's have tea first..
Not here.
Five minutes wont bring calamity.
lt will.. big calamity..
Ok..
Hey boys, we gotta go now..
Tea..
Tea?
Tea..
Let them guzzle tea..
we'll get going..
This is going to kill our
reputation in the market.
Boys, Partner has got
news cops have raided the station..
..they're hunting out
illegals, let's go,
You guys can travel alone from
Birmingham to London..
.. but not from the station to home?
l'm not coming to receive
you next time?
Shahriyar Bhai's coming tomorrow
from Birmingham..
..You two are getting married.
What?,
Now don't start
jumping with excitement..
..you're not getting
married tomorrow..
Take this.
l can't Aapi.. l'm tired.
Hold it or l'll sock you,
Hello Neil where are you?
lt's a crisis, come
over to my place now,
l'm in love,
[ Skipped item nr. 1071 ]
O this love's a repeat offender,
it errs every time Rabba..
Though l try to save
it from its grave..
..it surrenders
to its crime Rabba..
lf someone finds a way in,
if someone gets you swayin'
Again and again and again, don't fling
a dart at my heart with your eyes
..don't fling a dart at
my heart with your eyes
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Huffy Bhai..
l'm in love.
She's an amazing girl.
That's why she's already engaged?
Tell me what should l do?
Show me the way.
Rikki darling, you..
lt squeaks.
We'll oil it.
lf it still squeaks?
We'll oil it some more.
lf it still squeaks..
Then we'll pour the oil on
you and set you on fire,
- Rikki relax.. - What
do the hell Huffy Bhai,
They'll pay 300 month for rent and
expect Buckingham Palace..
Look you've seen the
place now leave..
That's how much we show..
We'll call if we want
to rent it out..
Yes yes, we'll call..
Where've these bums landed from?
Bhatinda.
Whatchyasaying? Not from my Bhatinda.
Relax darling.. just relax..
How can l relax.. Some other
woman has trapped him.
Even if she hadn't trapped him,
what could you've done?
For him you're already engaged.
You're amazing innit..
Even if you were actually engaged,
you should've kept mum.
Looked kinda dodgy at first.
So to avoid him l cooked up the lie.
She wasn't even willing
to share the table..
..only when l told her l'm
engaged did she melt..
What a story l cooked up Huffy
Bhai.. now even you're famous..
That's my boy,
- But isn't he a brownie?
- And a smart aleck too..
But he's so romantic so romantic..
Slow down darling dead-end ahead.
How was l to know after
spending two hours together..
l'd want to spend my
whole life with her..
Ah well said darling well said..
There wouldn't have been this
mess if l'd met her earlier..
Well said my boy.. well said..
Huffy Bhai..
Yes darling..
Why didn't l meet her first?
Ask her next time, if you meet her..
And listen, take it forward
only if he calls.
Sorry..
l'm breaking that 'dark
skinned' oath today.
You understand don't you.
Actually he isn't even so dark,
He's more on the wheatish side..
Anyway you know it all..
Help me. Please.
Amen.
She'll go crazy about me..
..she'll spend the rest
of her life with me
First she cut your call..
..and now she's turned it off.
l'm getting a call from Punjab..
l've called Punjab your
job will be done..
My man is in Punjab he'll..
Damn it l'm in Punjab right now,
we'll talk when l'm back..
Come on my boy don't cry..
..we'll get you another toy.
l will get that one..
..just watch.
Really?,
l'm going to get fired
because of you..
Get me a job at your showroom..
..and l'll listen to your
love-story whenever you want..
Rikki called,
No, What did he say?
l didn't get to talk to him.. Forgot
to turn on the phone after church..
ldiot,.. Call now.
Don't let this tangle ruin our
business.. go on take the call..
l'm in New York right now,
call in two days.
Rikki Thukral this is Alvira Khan.
Attitude, Remember she cut you off..
Alvira who?
Alvira who,
He said Alvira who,
You hang up.. right now,
Right.
Hello..
Oh Alvira Khan..
You know how l keep getting
unwanted calls..
Got connected to you by mistake..
l'd scribbled another number
right next to yours..
l just got mixed up.
No mixture here madam..
..you just took my
name Rikki Thukral?
Actually.. Steve wants to meet you.
Steve?
Yeah, he's dying to meet you..
Look we just had coffee together..
..that too not in secret.. out
in the open..
What're you saying? Steve's
not like that..
He just wants to meet you..
just like that.
O like that?
Like that.. it's ok..
Yeah like that.
With you and your fiance..
What did you say her name is?
Anaida..
He's sitting right here..
He?
l mean she..
When l'm gushing with
love l call her he.
We're hogging Chinese.
Good.. enjoy your lunch then..
And do tell Steve
l'm kinda busy today..
..let's program it for
some other day.
lt's alright.. Now that Anaida's
back you must be stuck.
Not really..
l mean Steve's a buddy after all..
..would've surely taken
off time to meet him..
..but tonight Anaida and l are going
to Jharokha for a dance competition.
Anyway, the two of us are going
out for dinner this evening..
You know.. candle-lights,
soft music, and all that.
O all that..
We're the hard music types
That's my boy,
What a fab dancer Anaida is..
Really.
Actually Steve's been after
me to go to Jharokha..
He's very curious about what the
Southall crowd does there?
We blow up bombs.
Sorry?,
What do you expect people to do
in a discotheque? They dance.
So then we'll drop by after dinner..
..to see you guys dance.
So you're coming tonight?
Maybe..
lt's all set up..
She's meeting me tonight
at Jharokha..
ldiot not with you alone..
with Anaida too.
Now don't you worry..
call her in the evening..
..and make some excuse..
now have some kebabs.
Lateef, half plate kebabs here..
lt's coming..
Huffy Bhai..
My heart's amada (ready)
to meet her..
Showing of your Urdu today,
Ok you go meet her and we'll cook
up some excuse for Anaida..
Just say her mum died.
Died.
Sure.
Anaida's mum's died and l've come to
the dance competition to meet you..
..now will you dance with me Alvira?
Give me break Huffy Bhai,
When you were cooking
up this fantastic story..
should have created Anaida
with someone real in mind.
Then in a crisis like this, we
could've used her as Anaida.
That's exactly what l did..
..but she won't agree
to go as Anaida.
Who is it?.. Tell me
l'll talk to her.
No, you'll clobber me.
l won't.. go on.
Laila..
Laila?
Our Laila?,
She's quite a looker.
So why do you stay away from her?
Paying for sex is not nice..
Here call her.
Oh no dear.. it's best
if you talk to her.
Hey Lateef is a half-plate
going to take a full hour?
Are you butchering a goat?
Take it easy Huffy Bhai..
Speed it up here.. Are
you butchering a goat,?
lt'll all get set.
..and give my regards to Laila..
What's this
Steve-is-dying-to-meet-you rubbish?
He said Alvira who, how
could l have said..
l'm dying to meet
you after that.
And you shouldn't.. he'll
be there with his fiance.
At least once l have to see that
dodgy Anaida, who's trapped my Rikki.
Your Rikki, Have you lost it?
Yes..
The go. But you're not going to park
yourself at Jharokha are you?
Right now l have to go to your
showroom.. to convince Steve.
Steve.. in my showroom?,
Yes.. c'mon now.
- Satvinder sweets l've been
waiting.. - My turn Satvi..
My eyes still hurt Satvi..
- Get your hands off him..
- You try removing them..
- Don't look at these two, l'm here
for you.. - Bring it on..
- Watch me, - Alright bitch,
Ladies please,
Mum always says.. good
girls don't fight.
O.. so you too are crazy
about Satvinder?
No way, Because you keep going on
about Satvinder twenty-four-seven..
..his face got stuck in my head.
You're so lucky..
O Satvinder..
Steve..
He's my Sattu ok,
Satvinder, look something's
wrong with my glasses again.
Where are they?
Oh silly me.. l looked here
and l looked there..
..and they've been hanging in
the middle all this while.
Please taste them properly..
My Mum always says..
lf you take care of your glasses
your glasses will take care of you..
l've cleaned them.. They're fine.
My mum always says.. you got to put
things back where they belong.
That's amazing innit.. My Mum
says exactly the same thing..
There you go.. Putting it back for
your Mum's sake. Have a nice day.
Sattu,
What do you want?
Nothing.. She needs.. help.
How can l help you?
So that's all l need you
to do.. Simple, innit.
You mean there is no problem
with your eyes?
But this is an even bigger
problem.. help me.
Telling lies is bad.. lf Mum gets
to know she'll be very mad..
Then we won't tell Mum.
Mum gets to know everything.
ls she your Mum or ClA?
ClA. Your eyes are fine..
there is no problem.
There is there is.. very big problem.
Thanks for coming, have a nice day.
Okay.. l must say.. you're
a very brave boy..
ln this day and age only brave
kids do as their Mum says.
l'm no kid.. You can't fool me.
Ouch my foot,
Left or right?
Both.. God it hurts..,
Anybody out there.. this
man is carrying me away.
Don't worry.. l'll take you home
He's going to take me home..
Help , Lemme go.
How will l take you
to the taxi then..
O he's going to rape me in the taxi..
lt's a rape situation.. put
me down you molester,
You.. are.. so.. bad.
l'm pressing charges
against this man..
No no, wait..
Neil, hand this tape
to your Manager..
Hear me out..
Let's hear..
l..
l hate you,
Neil..
Ok fine.. l'll help..
But l still hate you.
So sweet Sattu,
Steve..
Steve..
Ronnie you asshole, l
want my breakfast now,
Breakfast at this time?,
Are you my pimp that you'll keep
tabs on my meal timings?
l just..
..just not..
..just for you..
lt's a screwy job man..
l know and l will pay..
You bet your ass you will..
but double..
Done. l'll pay double.
So the deal's fixed.
You'll just need to make
a few alterations.
do l look like a tailor?
Can you please cut down
on the swearing.
Why?
Anaida doesn't.
Screw her.. Who's this
bitch Anaida anyway?
You..
Anaida..
lf l go l'll go as Satvinder
otherwise l'll..
Neil,
.. go by any other name.
What's in a name anyway?
So what is your name?
Superman..
Took ages to get it on.. stop
fingering it, it'll come off.
O Mum.. What a mess l've
gotten myself into..
Stop biting your nails.
l hate you..
Good..
Where are you Mum?
Whatchyasaying? Limousine,
lf we're competing with Superman..
we have to match his car, right?
Don't mind but we'll
come back by tube..
Come..
Gently please.
You .. we're paying you innit?
Just shut up and drive.
Now why are you shitting bricks?
Because you just don't stop swearing.
And can you speak Hindi
in English style?
But isn't your Anaida French?
English style will do..
Non non non.. Mon Chere,
Mon amoure, Sui Passe..
You've lived in Paris?
Darling in our profession, we
don't go to Paris or Tokyo..
Paris and Tokyo come to us..
Why French, l can be from anywhere
in the world.. Japanese?
No no, for now French will do..
..just the swearing..
..cut down a bit..
Satsri kal (Greetings) to all the
Pajis and Auntyjis,
Welcome to Jharokha,
Let's see if you can shake those
bloody legs a little faster..
..for Mr. & Ms Southall,
Aren't you Tejinder's son?
Even your father breaks into queues
like this.. buzz off,
Oh you're so cute..
Here's your number.. stick
it on your back..
Seventy seven.. My lucky number,
God.. what a cheesy crowd..
Looks like all my Mum's friends
have landed up here.
Don't worry, no one will recognize
you.. You look very.. different..
Pinky aunty,
Behave yourself.. Or
should l call Neil?
O.. how l hate you.
Shabbo,,
Aadab..(Hello)
A warm aadab from Shabnam
to one and all.
Shabnam ji.. there's no sound..
There's no sound..
Shabbo baby, turn on the mike. Rules,
Ok.
One two, one-two,
Aadab Shabbho Aunty, Aadab,
Naughty Boy,
Uncle gimme a break
it's Friday night..
Just chill for tonight..
My entire staff has gone home..
lt's an advanced booking..
l can't send the fridge now..
..don't you get it,
l promise first thing
tomorrow morning..
Just bugger off,
The swearing..
Shabnam ji..
This year we've organized a very
exciting prize..
..for the winning couple..
One week's paid holiday..
Guess where?
Jallandhar,
No,
Amratsar,
No,..
Seven days in Hollywood,
Oh my god,
Who, where, what..
This Anaida's stunning.
My my my..
That Steve's a real hunk.
Really?
Nah
Hold my hand.
Not my elbow, my hand..
l can't stand it anymore.
Give me patience.
l've given all l had..
l don't have any left.
Let's go..
But why there.. exit's that way.
To dance, Steve..
Where did they go?
Enough talking.. Now
let's do some dancing,
Round one,
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Come on explode
[ Skipped item nr. 1445 ]
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
Come on explode
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
Come on explode
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
With wild abandon c'mon let's sway
With wild abandon c'mon let's sway
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
lt's wicked here
Love is deceit till you kick it here
We lick it here
Four hearts hunt each other
till they nick it here
The stakes are high, the odds loaded
The wager's wild, the bet's corroded
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
You guys were only going to drop by..
Oh he got stuck that we couldn't
leave till we've danced..
And he's still stuck..
Boss, we haven't been introduced..
Meself Rikki.
Sat.. teeeve,
Sat'teeeve?
Anaida,
Alvira,
So Sat'teeve..
How goes with British Railways?
Mum says buying tickets everyday
burns a hole in the pocket.
So she bought me a monthly pass..
Sat'eeve buddy the day you buy a
monthly pass, l'll buy a private jet..
Stop kidding.. For how many millions
did you settle the case?
Look who's talking millions.. You
can't even spend ten pounds..
Didn't even buy an engagement
ring for Anaida?
Rikki bought me a ring.. but
too big for my finger.. so..
l wear it here..
Ouch.. Mum says if you pierce your
bellybutton it hurts like hell.
No monsieur.. go on put it back..
no hurt, no pain..
How much she loves me..
Keeps the ring so close
to her twenty-four-seven.
Close? Your fiance
is flirting with mine..
..aren't you going to
do something about it?
No, l will do something..
Keep your hands off her
Steve you swine..
Swearing is bad,
Why are you shouting at Steve?
So who should l shout at?
Mind your Anaida..
She hasn't done anything..
What's Steve done?
He touched her.
Why did she let him?
- He's a letch.
And she..
she's a..
l'm a.. what?
Round two,
Tension's rising, lt's getting
hot in here, O l'm sweatin',
And now only 20 couples
left to Jhoom,
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
[ Skipped item nr. 1523 ]
Spinnin' around
The wheel of night's winnin' a round
Roll the dice
Place a wager, bet the moon,
raise the price
Purse strings have untied
They're stakin' diamonds on the side
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
lt's the final round at Jharokha
so keep your turbans tight..
..and your pyjamas high.
The Moulin Rouge of Punjab
brings you two couples..
..it's Number 77 and Number 99,
Didn't say it in front of Rikki
because he'd feel bad..
..must say you have
a loose character..
And you have a loose screw..
Lousy lipstick, cheap joke.
Joke? l'm dead serious..
You'll ruin Rikki.. he's lndian,
you're Pakistani..
He's a cool dude, and you..
..home-breaker, man-chaser..
and you don't even know Hindi.
l know Hindi.. kamini. (Hindi abuse)
ls that all..
..sister..
Don't you dare insult my sister..
Sister's..
Allah, give me patience..
Don't mind but this Alvira
isn't really your type..
You've got a rocking personality and
she's so drab with tattoos and all..
Alvira even showed me her tattoo..
Keep your cool.. Final round,
focus, final round..
l'm telling you as a friend..
..you and Alvira don't
really make a pair..
..But you keep your cool, focus.
You're trying to break my team..
so that l don't win..
Ninety nine..
Next Mr. Southall..
Simmer down darlings.. l'm coming.
You can't break my team.. and
you will never win the title.
l tried everything but nothing
works on that idiot.
lf l was Anaida l'd have dumped him
Thing is Laila ji..
..that Sat'eeve's won
the real game..
We'll go from here with
our pride intact.
No matter what, don't
let them win the title.
That witch should not be crowned
Ms. Southall.. get it?
Why are you always shitting bricks?
We'll screw them,
lf they win l'll kill you,
l hate you, Let's rock,
Let's go,
Round Three,
The market square's now a ring to a
dare, between the blades of our eyes
[ Skipped item nr. 1585 ]
Do we lose limb,
life or reach for the knife..
..in this clash of
our two-edged eyes
We've slipped the rings
off the lobes of the moon
Come tap, slap,
clap with your hands
We've slipped the rings
off the lobes of the moon
Come tap, slap, clap with your hands
My amore, come clap with your hands
My amore, come clap with your hands
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Don't wager on this slippery night,
it'll slither out of your fingers
Come on now..
This lathered moon seems slippery
too, it'll dissolve until it lingers
Come on now..
You're the reason for my breath
For you l'd welcome death
My amore, Come clap with your hands
O you're a wonder, you're the thunder
Then and now, above and under
My amore, Come clap with your hands
We'll spend the darkness
here somewhere, a chat..
..a chillum, a tale we'll share
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
The silly, the simple,
the pure of heart..
..are the finer souls,
the ones with worth
The ones who never live for love,
are dead well before their birth
Listen one and listen all
Your love l raise, in love l fall
Listen one and listen all
Your love l raise, in love l fall
My amore, Come clap with your hands
My amore, Come clap with your hands
Fresh baked bread in a honey dip soak
Taste of sugar sweet lips that spoke
Scorch up the ember
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
The market square's now a ring to a
dare, between the blades of our eyes
Do we lose limb, life
or reach for the knife..
..in this clash of
our two-edged eyes
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
We'll spend the darkness
here somewhere..
..a chat, a chillum,
a tale we'll share
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Fresh baked bread in a honey dip soak
Taste of sugar sweet lips that spoke
Scorch up the ember
and sway baby sway
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
And the winner is our own
Bhatinda boy Rikki and..
..his little lady-finger Anaida,
l'm sure we've been cheated.
And now l declare Mr.
and Miss Southall,
l didn't even win the title.
l hate you..
You love him that much?
No point shedding tears for him.
Mum always says your destiny
decides who you get.
Got it.
Listen, l'm really sorry, l..
Aapi, guess who's been
waiting for you?,
Shahriyar Bhai.. he's downstairs..
Shahriyar bloody Bhai.
Rikki bloody Thukral,
l hate them all. Damn them,
Rikki Thukral?
Huffy Bhai..
What the hell..
Why does Huffy Bhai go for
a walk every morning?
He'll have a heart attack some day..
Coming..
Oh Steve..
Steve,
What do you want?
Cuppa tea.
Why should l give you a cup of tea?
You just asked me what l want.
Rikki..
Get down here you ..
..sneaked off without
paying up last night.
What're you doing here?
C'mon now pay up.
Look he's going to pay me..
that should prove everything.
Prove what?
That l'm a prostitute.
l know why you keep calling
yourself a prostitute..
..so l don't feel guilty.
Guilty?
Last night..
..l and she..
she and l..
..both of us..
You had sex?,
Go ahead kill me if you want..
..but before you do,
please forgive me.
Don't you hit him.
Alvira's mad about him..
..you two-timing bastard,
l cheated you and you're
worried about Alvira?
Thank god we got to know the
real you before marriage
There's nothing between the
two of us.. Tell him.
Look l'm Laila.. not Anaida..
Prostitute.. not fiance.
There's nothing going on between
me and this swine..
Out with the money,
l love you.
Screw love..
l really love you.
Goddamit l'm a prostitute,
l still love you Laila..
You're not lying?
l never lie. Never.
Son of a..
Son of a.. what?
Loving mother,
Look at him ..here's
a real man.. Laila's man..
He's a fraud.. what about Alvira?,
Don't ever call me a fraud..
Look here.. fake Steve..
l'm Satvinder, hundred
percent genuine..
And Alvira.. doesn't she love you?
She loves him. l hate her..
l hate her..
What?
Darling he's saying she loves you.
He's saying that she loves you..
No point wracking your brain now..
Someone else will
catch the butterfly..
..and you'll be left
rubbing your chest.
Scram my boy,
Don't know where she lives.
You're still wondering where she
lives, just look at him..
Hey Satvinder..
Take a breather guys..
You know where Alvira lives..?
Satvinder,
l hate you,
Let's go..
Kulwinder.. isn't that your boy?
- No.. - Looks like him..
My Satti's not a bum..
He works overtime every night..
so his Mum can play bingo..
Weigh the cabbage..
You've gone blind.
That one.
No wait..
That one.
O boy..
Sattu..
Think..
lt's a matter of my
life and your death,
Where's it gone?
lt was here..
That one..
This side..
That side?..
lt's this one,
Where did he go?
This is the one..
Telescope yours innit?
Yeah.. why?
Come on sonny l'll show
you some stars.
- Sorry, - Focus, focus,
Are you going to meet Bhai like that?,
Oh my God l'm not even dressed,
l'm naked..
Hi.
Come let's get over with it.
Nice room..
Didn't go to work today?
lt's a Sunday..
Oh l thought you took
leave to meet me..
You thought wrong..
A phone number.. Rikki
Thukral? lmportant?
What's this guy discussing?
Discussion.. We should listen. Video
audio both.. very strong mike..
So Mum said why don't you
and Alvira get married..
l said not a bad idea..
Let's not beat around the bush..
Just ask what you want.
They're talking about marriage.
l'm in no hurry..
l am.. l'll start..
First. l've already had
sex. Eleven times.
She lies with such confidence..
Say something.
l've had sex only four times..
you beat me there..
So.. what you gonna do?
l'll feel jealous what else..
That's it?
That's it?
l have a tattoo.. here..
That's nice..
Just like mine.
- l have many male friends.
- So do l.
l hate salwar suits.
Even if l wear them?
What planet is this guy from?
You're the limit. l've told you all
my vices and you still don't hate me?
l haven't come here to hate you.
Hate me,.. l don't
want you to like you.
l want everybody to hate each other..
But why?
Because l love Rikki Thukral.
Yessss,
Rikki Thukral? You love somebody
with such a weird name?
Weird?
l like Rikki.
lt's weird..
How long have you loved
him? For years?
Since day before yesterday..
Don't let him touch you,
Rikki Thukral,?
Rikki?
No, he's my cousin, Shahriyar..
Really?
l'm here to marry her.
Shut up,
You.. meet me downstairs,
l have to talk to you..
Yeah alright. l'm not afraid.
l got class,
Alvira, that Thukral isn't your
type.. What does he do?
Nothing.. and yet everything..
Look l've got an MA, M Tech,
Phd, everything,
Congratulations.
Allo you look happy. All
sorted with Shahriyar?
Yes all sorted.. we're
not getting married.
Where will we find a better
match than Shahriyar?
He's standing outside..
What?
So where's your Ms. Southall?
Ran away with Satvinder.
He told you everything?
l'll kill him.
Let him be..
..his life's in Laila's hands..
Who's Laila?
The one who came last
night as Anaida..
She's made a man out of Sattu.
Oh Satti when did this happen?,
lsn't she the one who
picks up men at night?
Mum.. this is Laila..
Not a very good cook..
..can't keep the house clean..
..has a swearing problem..
she's working on that..
..but she'll make a top
class daughter-in-law..
That much l can guarantee..
Pairi paunnna Mum ji? (Greetings)
l love you..
.. and l'm damn sure you'll fall
in love with her too Mum.
But Satti..
No buts Mum.. We'll be back
from Hollywood in a week..
Bye Mum,
So you lied to me?
Nothing compared to your lie..
Should l tell you the truth..
..you look incredible when you lie..
l'll..
You idiot what took you so long,
if l'd said yes to Shahriyar..
You're amazing..
One small hitch and you go running
to marry next available man.
Typical lndian mentality.
l'm not lndian..
You're Pakistani.. same thing.
lf you say one more word
against Pakistanis..
Why would l say anything
against Pakistanis..?
Even my best friend..
..my girlfriend is a Pakistani.
Good.. otherwise all the
neighbours will come out..
..and forced you to marry me.
So let them. l'm not scared.
Before they can force me
l'll marry you myself.
Why?
Because in two hours we spent
our entire lives together.
Even then.. no war.
No war?,
No chance.
Really?
lf not war.. then what happened?
That which happens..
Love.
Just happens..
..after spending two
hours with somebody.
How many other girls have
you spent two hours with?
Eleven?
You creep.
C'mon game..
One thing that neither of
us have never done..
What?
ln broad-day-light.. in front
of everybody.. a kiss..
A long kiss..
Ok.
Who cares for that syrupy
sweet mush..
Eternal promises and
sentimental gush..
Sparks, clash, passionate flash..
Love of today, that's the way to sway,
[ Skipped item nr. 1895 ]
What's your sun-sign?
Listen.. l'm already engaged..
You're flirting..
Why should l flirt?
l too am engaged..
See.. original topaz..
Does she even have a name or
you just call her fiance'?
No she's nameless.. What
kind of question is that?
So what is it?
Anaida..
Your turn.. tell me..
How did you meet your fiance?
Superman brought us together.
He sells comics?
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
Find no gain or loss within
the priceless knots of love
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze, the
spark of love's a raging fire
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Rabba..
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
Find no gain or loss within the
priceless knots of love
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze The
spark of love's a raging fire
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze The
spark of love's a raging fire
Our eyes they fly
like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew,
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O when it strikes and
where no one knows
But when it hits,
it hurts and it shows
Rabba..
From every wound a little joy derive
Pain's the price of being alive
Rabba..
Hear a little truth and
a piece of a lie..
..They'll hum in chorus
inside of your eye
They'll wax they'll wane and
wax and wane, like candles
They'll wax they'll wane and
wax and wane, like candles
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew,
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
O Then there's no problem..
Deal. Bye.
Bulla Man,.. What's cooking?
Hullo..
Buddy Boy, l make promise
l keep promise.. Chill,
What's up Sukesh Bhai? Relax relax,
Not so fast. First my commission.
Then take it. Or should l call
my dad to read it for you?
Why are you insulting your dad?
lnsulting? Take your commission,
give me the ticket.
- Hey not the whole shop, just take
four. - Chelsea champion..
And with this, four lottery tickets.
Two..
Ok.. don't call me if lndia
makes it to the finals.
Ok my lord.. go ahead take four..
- Sorry. - Yeah right,
l'm not that type. l got class.
Why're you glaring at me?
You saw the way she glared
at me..? l got class man.
Forget it. Tickets..
Bangladesh-Canada, Who
wants Bangladesh-Canada?
l want lndia-Pakistan, Rikki,
Rikki, Damn it,
Oh no, an hour late,
O blimey, One hour late,
lf the apartment won't
fit in the budget..
..we'll fit the budget
into the apartment.
Gotta go now.. Mum's
calling from Bhatinda.
Yikes,
A man's gotta sit so
a man's gotta sit..
..just focus on your sandwich man,
if she glares her eyes will hurt..
Look it was an accident,
l got class..
Never mind,
Ok.. ok, l also don't mind..
Did l say you could sit?
And you didn't say l couldn't..
They're all occupied.
Whatsup..
Hasn't reached yet?
l swear by Chelsea l sent it
first thing this morning..
Whatchyasaying l won't lie
in the name of Chelsea..
So what's your sun-sign?
Listen l'm already engaged..
l've come to receive my fiance
- he's on the train from Birmingham.
So?,
What am l doing? Am l
making a pass at you?
Typical lndian mentality.
Sorry..
Never mind..
We all make mistakes..
Me self Rikki.. Rikki Thukral..
And l'm Alvira.. Alvira
Khan from Lahore..
Not typical lndian mentality..
Thank God,
Napkin?
Take it..
My best friend also Pakistani.
Huffy Bhai.. Hafeez Pathan,
business partner..
He brings the latest lndian
movies from Pakistan..
l make copies of the DVDs
and market them..
Marketing pirated DVDs.. Wow.
As if you've never watched
a pirated movie.
l don't watch lndian movies.
Whatchyasaying?
lt's true.
So you watch Pakistani movies?
They're crap.
l only watch foreign language films..
..French, Chinese, lranian..
At times Hollywood.
At times Hollywood,
And that's good. Which is why l'm not
even in the DVD business anymore..
Now Huffy Bhai and l are
Property Agents..
My folks.. they love lndian movies..
Papa wanted to name me Madhubala,
Mama got stuck on Sadhna.
Alvira is very beautiful name.
Flirting again..
Why should l.. l'm engaged
too. See original Topaz.
l've come to pick up my fiance too..
..she's coming by the
same train as your fiance..
Does she even have a name or
you always call her fiance?
No she's nameless.. what a question,
So what's her name?
Anaida..
So how did you two meet up?
First time, we met at the Hotel Ritz.
Ritz?
The one in Paris..
The same one where the Princess
Diana-Dodi episode happened..
l was there that night.. Diana
was looking amazing..
l was just five feet away.. Had l
reached out l could've touched her..
And then appeared Anaida.. Hundred
times more beautifuler than Diana..
She was the Assistant
Manager at the Ritz..
As Diana and Dodi reached the gate..
..suddenly photographers popped
out of everywhere..
Everybody was looking at Diana..
..but l was looking at Anaida
Diana-Dodi's story was
coming to an end..
..and Rikki-Anaida's love
story was about to start
Haven't you heard..
When two love-birds die
another two are born.
You were wearing a suit?
Yeah..
You see..
God made Man..
.. And Tailor made Gentleman.
God made Man and after that
Tailor made Gentleman.
..Huffy Bhai says.
Can't imagine you in a suit.
Goodness..
Such a historic moment and you're
worried about my suit..
Had you and Huffy Bhai gone to
rent out the Eiffel Tower?
We're also into antiques in a big
way.. We'd gone to Paris for a deal.
DVDs, property, antiques.. Wow.
Just not fashionable doing one
business these days, boss.
Huffy Bhai was bringing the seller
and the antiques from Bombay..
..and l was handling
the buyers in Paris.
And these antiques were
obviously stolen.
They would have rotted
away in lndia anyway..
..what's the harm if a few people
make some money out of it?
lt's 100./. hard earned money, madam.
Yeah right,
Want to hear the rest of the
story or should l leave?
After finishing the story.
We'd been waiting for more
than three hours..
l was getting desperate..
when would Huffy Bhai come..
..when would this deal get over..
..and when would l celebrate
with Anaida..
Hello..
Rikki my darling,
Huffy Bhai..
Where are you man?
Got stuck in Bombay..
Whatchyasaying,
l'll get screwed..
Cops snatched the goods darling..
What about you?
Slipped out the moment l smelt
trouble.. Have the buyers left?
Nope.. they're all here..
Better slip out Rikki, slipping
in and out is what we do best.
And look, just handle them with care.
They're babbling something in French.
l think they're cursing..
Hello.. Monsieur, don't go..
Hello.. hello..
- Hello.. - Excuse me sir..
Your bill..
..please.
Huffy Bhai he's asking
for my signature..
He's climbing onto me Huffy Bhai.
One minute please..l
ine cut.. l don't..
- Huffy Bhai. - Signature..
You were staying at The
Ritz with empty pockets?
The antique seller coming from lndia
was to finance the trip..
l didn't even have enough cash
to watch cabaret at Lido..
Where was Anaida in all this?
Coming to that, boss..
First let me get out of the room..
Couldn't have walked out with the
suitcase, they'd have caught me..
..so l stuffed everything
in my pockets..
..wore my clothes on top of
each other and walked out.
l'm Slim Shady, my Mamma's Slim Shady,
please stand up, please stand up..
She was just two feet away..
..she looked at me and said..
Are you alright sir?
l died,
She was being so nice to me and
l was sneaking out of the hotel,
Check air-conditioning..
Any call tell l back evening ok..
Ok.
Keys..
Signature sir,
Excuse me..
Credit Card payment.. non..
Why?
Last bill.. when did you pay?
Just paid before coming.
Credit card company says you haven't
paid your dues for a year.
Liars,
Never go for this card..
l'm really regretting.
Careful with that please..
it's invaluable.
Lottery ticket..
First prize one million pounds..
second prize free trip to Hollywood.
At this moment you're holding
a million bucks in your hand.
Monsieur Thukral, l'm sure you will
win the lottery some day..
..you'll become a millionaire
some day..
..but the bill you'll
settle today. Now,
Anaida Madam..
Now look..
Just by living in France you
don't become French..
..you got lndian blood
in those veins.
Mon pere et mere etre Karachi.
Blood is Pakistani, Monsieur
Thukral, not lndian.
Pakistani,
l was screwed.. she was going to
kill me with 60 years of hatred.
You lndians are amada to fight
but always blame Pakistanis.
Amada means..?
Don't you know what amada means?
Sorry l don't.
lt means ready.. always
ready to fight.
l'm just amada to tell
you my love story.
Am l fighting with you?
Why would you fight with me?
l'm not even Pakistani.
l'm British you know..
Oh you're British.. They what's the
quarrel.. Long live the Queen..
So where was l?
..there was Anaida, in her chair,
and here l was standing beside her..
What are these two going on about?
That l call the cops.
No no no need cops. Just think..
..if this episode hadn't happened..
if we'd met like normal people, the
situation would've been very different.
Together we would've gone
to Eiffel Tower..
..climbed to the
top and screamed..
l love you Rikki, l love you Anaida,
l said watch it,
Ok.. ok.
Tell me what l have to do..
l will do it..
Till the entire bill is
squared, l'm yours..
..even otherwise l'm yours..
Just follow me..
These stay with me.
Can l take off my clothes?
l'll drown in my sweat.. please..
Where's the bathroom?
Solomon..
Rikki..
What a cruel woman this Anaida,
Hey..
..you're talking about my fiance,
Sorry..
After washing how many
plates did she melt?
What is my name?
Rikki Thukral.
Righto,
Ullu ka pattha..
Paththa..
Never mind.. try this..
Harami, (Hindi swear word)
Harami..
Well done, Harami means..
my dear.. Anaida where?
Say it in Hindi..
Why cry?
Madam..
What do you want?
Me? Nothing..
Hanky you want.
Just leave me alone..
Take take..
My best friend also Pakistani..
No.. l have these..
This special hanky..
Makes beautiful face more beautifuler.
See.. tears going..
..smile coming.. more beautifuler.
Merci..
But why cry?
lt's Diana's funeral..
Today?
Where? London?
l so badly wanted to go.
So don't feel sad..
Let's both go to London..
l couldn't get leave.
That's so unfair..
No leave even for such
an important thing..
They really overwork you.
Look, but when you come to London
next stay at my house..
lt's small.. but very nice.
No..
Actually, it's too small for you..
Thukral..
Want to go home?
lf l let you go my boss will fire me.
Believe me, Anaida madam..
Moment you let me go l'll be back
from London in a jiffy with the money.
But if you don't.. l will be screwed.
l will not allow anybody screw you..
One chance, please.
Soon as l landed in London, l went
straight to Diana memorial..
To offer flowers..
You went to offer flowers?
l'd never waste money
on dead people..
l would think so.
Huffy Bhai is a die-hard
Diana lover..
.. even now if you mention her name,
he gets a sigh attack..
My instrument is broken, here l am,
a musician without fame..
My beloved is gone, here l am,
living without shame..
l'm in a mess Huffy Bhai.. - What?
Have to go back to Paris to settle
the hotel bill.. gimme some money.
Have you gone mad?
Have we ever settled anything
that we'll settle a bill?
No..
But this time we will..
please gimme some money.
lf Huffy Bhai says no, then
it's a no. End of story.
Now forget about it dear..
see what l have here..
l've been through hell and you're
showing me this photo.
Not just any photo.. look behind it.
We'll go dancing to Hollywood my
boy.. you won the lottery Rikki,
You won the lottery, Your Hollywood
dream has come true,
We're going to Hollywood my boy,
we're going to Hollywood,
Why are you stumped?
- Lost it.. - Not lost..
it's with Anaida.
- Who's that? - Hotel's manager..
What does she look like?
- Very beautiful.
- Not another word l understood
everything. - Understood what?,
Had to leave the suitcase
and wallet with her..
She wasn't letting me leave..
the ticket's in the wallet.
How many times have l told you,
stay away from women..
..they snatch things that matter.
- Now go back and get
the ticket. - How?
Without the money for the bill..
she'll get me arrested..
Here..
What all you make me do..
Huffy Bhai must you lift
your shirt everywhere..
lf l move l'll lose my place.
Here. And don't tell that
girl you won. Understood?
Now get lost..
l'll get you perfume from Paris.
Yea, l'll have a real perfume
party. Now scram,
l dreamt of going to Hollywood..
..but the lottery ticket was
financed by Huffy Bhai.
My heart was dying to live the
Hollywood dream with Anaida.
But l made my heart understand..
She's Miss World, you're Rikki Thukral
Why would she go with you? Huffy
Bhai is what you get Rikki..
Settle the bill get
the ticket.. simple.
Hullu ke paththa,
What's baldy saying?
He says, can't believe you're back.
l had to.. My lottery
ticket's still with you.
You came for the ticket?
And to settle the bill..
..it's all there.. including
the taxi-fares.
Good..
Solomon..
And my stuff?
Solomon.. his stuff.
Harami why is she so touchy today?
Why angry?
My ticket,
Madam..
What do you want?
That..
What that?
That which is in your hand..
that's mine too.
lt's in my hand.. so it's mine.
Whatchyasaying?
lt was in my purse.. which
l left with you..
- With whose permission
did you go? - Yours..
And if l hadn't let you go?
l'd have rotted away..
or gone to jail.
And that didn't happen.
So?
So this ticket is.. My fee..
Fees?
For saving you.. How
do you say.. My cut.
Au'revoir..
My God, What a creep..
l know..
So then how did you get engaged?
That's another story altogether..
[ Skipped item nr. 392 ]
lf my eyes were a crystal palace blue
Walk right in, wouldn't you?
Just for one day if not two
What's life without you
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Give me all the pieces or
a fragment of your heart
Or else give me back my
Ticket to Hollywood
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Two inches off the ground you
walk, stepping on thin air
Leave a hint, a footprint,
and l'll stop and stare
At the corner of that sidewalk,
that's closest to your lair
Say the word and l'll wait
my life right there
No, no monsieur, no, no,
lt ain't that simple now
Go get lost somehow
This is all you'll ever get,
not a Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Gimme gimme gimme, gimme my ticket
Gimme gimme, gimme my ticket
No no no no no no no,
monsieur no no
No no no no, monsieur no no
My Ticket to Hollywood
No Ticket to Hollywood
My Ticket to Hollywood
No Ticket to Hollywood
lf my eyes were a crystal palace blue
Walk right in, wouldn't you?
Just for one day if not two
What's life without you..
lt's stubborn as a mule
So heartless it's uncool
When this heart gets set on something
it gets set in stone
You're the queen of France
l'm just a whistler in a trance
Trust me baby where l come from
that's not how it's done
No no monsieur, no no,
it ain't that simple now
Go get lost somehow
Or else give me back,
my Ticket to hollywood.
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood,
Ticket to Hollywood
Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood Give it back,
Dunked in dew, a peppermint drop,
you waft so cool and fresh
A thread cut kite soaring away,
a sliced cloud caress
Give it back..
Ticket to Hollywood, Ticket
to Hollywood, Ticket to..
Okay enough.. it's not funny anymore.
You want to go don't you?
You go then..
Hollywood would suit you best..
Huffy Bhai and l wouldn't
fit in all that glamour..
We got some kicks while waiting
for the results..
..that's enough for us..
You'll take pictures won't you..
..remember to send me..
l'll see Hollywood through your eyes.
Take.. take..
To hell with your ticket..
Why did you make me run then?
l want Thukral not the ticket..
l was waiting..
Thukral will come..
l will hug him..
..he will kiss me..
How many Thukrals do you know?
Only one stupid, idiot, moron, Thukral
..who came back for his lottery
ticket, not for me.
Whatchyasaying?
Just go to hell..
Don't be angry.. please..
Thukral actually came back for you..
..all the time dreaming of
going to Hollywood with you.
Then why didn't he ask me?
You're Miss World..
..and he's Rikki Thukral..
..even if he touched you,
you'd get spoiled..
Didn't get spoiled using his hanky..
..in fact, became more beautifuler..
There'll only be one
bed for two people.
We can adjust..
..it's only for seven days..
Seven days that's it?,
Thukral was thinking of adjusting
his entire life with you.
Full life adjust.
Ok..
Whatchyasaying?,
l'm saying l love Thukral, you idiot.
l love you Anaida,
You sacrificed the ticket on her?,
The moment she said my cut..
..that was the turning
point of my innings..
That's when l made up my mind,
she was just my type..
Ticket was no big deal, l'd
have sacrificed my life.
Must admit..
What?
You're a die-hard romantic.
Whatchyasaying?
Moment ago you couldn't even share
the table with me and now..
And now what?
Now..
..your turn.. tell me..
..how did you meet your fiance?
Now don't be an aunty ji.
Oh l get it.. arranged is it?
Boy from Birmingham.. five figure
salary, good moral character..
- Hobbies cricket and.. - Rubbish..
So it's not arranged?
Superman brought us together.
He sells comic books?
Have you been to Madame Tussaud's,
the wax museum?
Of course l've been..
..they have several
models of our guys..
Gandhi ji, Nehru ji, lndira
ji, Ash ji, Amit ji..
..our good ol' Bachchan..
..very few of your Pakistanis..
Anyway.. so you went to Tussaud's ..
.. with my cousin Humera..
There was a Superhero Special
at Madame Tussaud's..
Batman, Hawkman, Aquaman, Superman..
..giant sized models everywhere..
Humera, my cousin was jumping from
one to the other screaming..
.. Aapi take a picture of this..
.. Aapi take a picture of that..
Watch out,
lf the fake Superman had fallen
on me, it'd have squashed me..
But the real Superman saved my life..
l was dying to kiss him
and say l love you..
So.. you kissed him?
Didn't even say l love you.
l took an oath when l
was six years old..
Dear God l will never fall in love with
a dark-skinned Pakistani or lndian..
Please find a nice white-skin British
man just like yourself to marry me.
Amen
- Hello. - Hi..
Sorry, l'm on the phone
Yeah this is Steve..
Bollocks, l've already said
l don't want his case..
Don't ever call me again..
Your name's Steve?
Yeah..
But you're..
Mum British..
Dad Punjabi..
Ouch, My foot.. God it hurts.
Left or right?
Both..
You were badly hurt?
No silly.. l pretended
so he would stay.
Way to go boss, l'd
have done the same.
..but what about the oath?
He is half Brit isn't he..
..so l compromised.
Must admit..
Drink something
l'll have .. Pepsi,
No not Pepsi, Seven Up..
Actually Tango..
..and chips, cookies
and that chocolate..
l was praying that a
miracle would happen.
..and Humera would vanish forever..
..and not ruin the foot massage.
Those fingers were just magical
Fingers so delicate, arms so strong..
..he carried me all the
way to my bedroom..
He was forcing Michelle to dance ..
Michelle?
Yeah.. that's her name..
Michelle didn't want to dance..
..but he insisted..
l stopped him ..
He hit you so hard?
Just a scratch.
He's still going through
plastic surgery..
So then you and Michelle .. Got
married or still dating?
She wasn't the one.
O ..
Your parents are amazing ..
He barged into your bedroom
and they didn't even mind.
Why would they .. he saved
their daughter ..
Papa-Mama had found
their son-in-law..
Son-in-law,
You met the thug an hour ago.. and
you're already planning marriage..
Thug,
With a foot-long scar on his face..
has to be a thug,
Forget it l'm not telling
you the rest of the story.
Ok sorry..
You get stuck in these small details.
The flavour is all in
the small details ..
How did he look..
What did he say..
How did he touch..
Where did he touch..
Ok so who touched what where?
Good night.
Don't let Superman bite.
Good night.
Shit, Phone number,
Steve..
Steve,
Hey Steve.. give me your
number.. please,
Where would l have found him ..
There are thousands of
Steves in London ..
Next day was like hell ..
..but when l came back from
work next evening ..
..then..
l'll get it,
Hello?
Hi ..
Thanks for the flowers
and the chocolates..
Can you walk alright ..?
Just about ..
Then you need another
round of massage.
My car's waiting for you.. Bye..
Bye,
Find it funny.. l was in such pain..
You lied..
lf you lie ..
..it always catches up with you.
Lie, go ahead and lie..
..but make sure it's palatable..
..Huffy Bhai says.
So then you limped all
the way to meet him.
l hopped, skipped and
jumped to his office..
..but as l entered the edifice..
l was psyched..
lt's not that l have holes
in my pockets..
..but this guy was bigger
than Prince Charles..
A snap of his fingers..
..and all the Bond Street beauties
would line up at his door..
For a moment l was scared..
..then l thought,
let's deal with it.
Hi Al ..
Al?
How do you know..?
Friends call you Al..
Mama-Papa call you Allo ..
Allo's cute ..
Please, Sounds like the
name of a fat cat.
..Work at the House
of Fraser ..Manager.
Visit the church every
morning before office.
A five minute prayer. Five minutes.
No more, no less.
This guy's a police officer
or a gangster?
Are you a gangster or
a police officer..
l haven't committed a crime?
Yes you have..
..You made me fall in love with you.
What do you do in such a huge office?
Lemme guess ..
..blackmailing.
Pretty close.
We're lawyers. Singh and
Smith and Company..
You're Steve Singh of 'Singh
and Smith'?, Wow,
You're so .. so ..
Horrible?
And young too..
Now explain the pictures..
You're not going to decorate
your house with them are you?
Not a bad idea..
Steve,
Okay look ..
This company has a board of directors
..are you with me?
Good ..
..now the board has decided ..
..that l should propose to you ..
Propose?,
How does the board know about us?
The board knows everything ..
Ok.
l don't care on whose
behest you propose..
..go ahead propose. l'm ready,
The proposal is that you
sue Madame Tussaud's..
..for the Superman accident..
..and appoint me your lawyer..
But don't accept this proposal..
l've done my duty.
l'll tell the Board of Directors..
..that you've refused.
But why don't you want me
to sue Madame Tussaud's?
lf l wasn't in love with
you, l'd love you to.
Within seconds l would've gotten
you to sign the papers ..
Within days.. l would've
used you as a client..
lf, l wasn't in love with you..
How much money?
About a million ..
Million pound,
Wow, Million pounds?
Champagne or juice?
Ok..
Champagne okay or juice okay?
l accept your offer.. ok.
Al ..
Can l call you Al?
Hmm ..
Al .. you don't have to
get involved in this.
But l want to get involved.
You've done so much for me ..
..the least l can do is help you.
Al ..
..you're such a simple girl..
Who says l'm simple?
Come let's fix the deal ..
..if we win you take your
commission from the compensation.
..but if we lose, it's your loss.
Smart girl,
Steve said the same thing.
Smart girl.
Okay .. deal.
- To Superman, - To Superman,
This isn't the right time.
Why?
lt's eight thirty..
too early for you?
Ms. Khan ..
l'm your lawyer ..
you're my client ..
..our relationship should stay
professional till we win the case..
Till then ..
Let's stay away.
Too much..
lsn't it.
Really too much. Really.
How did he stop himself
at the last moment?
Not everybody can do that ..
you need to have balls.
This is called self control.
This is called.. class.
Just look at her.. my client.
Does she want riches?
No.
Does she want revenge? No my lord.
She wants your compassion,
your sympathy..
..and my love..
[ Skipped item nr. 736 ]
Hey, Stay away from
the Kiss of Love..
O they kill me, those tangy eyes
Kiss of love, kiss of love
Falling stars fill up my skies
Kiss of love, kiss of love
O they kill me, those tangy eyes
Kiss of love, kiss of love
Falling stars fill up my skies
Kiss of love, kiss of love
O when l steal a peek into your eyes
You rob me of a breath
O when l steal a peek into your eyes
You rob me of a breath
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
O the helpless trappings
Of this brazen heart
A night seems like eternity
When it's spent apart
Your love has made me many things
A weaver, too, of dreams
l lie awake a thousand years
Sleep a thousand it seems
When you drop your bashful gaze
The stars come tumbling down
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
The English court of Law decides
the case in favour of Ms. Khan.
To you, my plea
Do your duty
Touch my pulse
And set me free
Don't turn back for
a peek at the world
You might trip and tumble down
With a foot thump swing
in dance and a twirl
This moment will come around
When you drop your bashful gaze
The stars come tumbling down
O shut them tight O shut those eyes
They're raiders running red
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Stay away, stay away, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Stay away, stay away, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Kiss of love, kiss of love, stay
away from the kiss of love
Hey, Stay away from the kiss of love
So you two ..
Got engaged.
No l mean you and he .. you know ..
..you had sex?
We made love.
Good good .. nice..
But your hero.. he's kind of filmi..
Much better than you.
lsn't stingy in buying flowers
for his girlfriend.
He's much stingier than me..
..if he's such a millionaire why
isn't he coming by air to meet you?
..why is he coming by train?
Because of work..
..there's a case involving
British Railways..
..which he's investigating
on the train..
Great now he's going to
screw the railways..
What?
Ok fine he's not stingy ..
..but he's still a lawyer ..
..you be careful.
How'd you know? You
haven't even met him?
As if meeting him is going
to change anything ..
lt'll change your opinion of him.
Fine, so we'll meet.. Just
a matter of another hour.
Oh blimey,
Get going buddy. The train
must have arrived..
You took so long to tell the story.
Because you kept interrupting.
Let's not fight now.
Ok.
You carry on.. l'll just
buy some doughnuts.
Doughnuts?,
For Anaida.. she must be hungry.
That's very sweet.
l got class.
Bye.
Bye ..
When did this train get here?
Half an hour ago ..
But wasn't it an hour late?
Late?, Left Manchester on time..
Manchester?, What happened
to the Birmingham train?
O blimey, Another hour late,
[ Skipped item nr. 831 ]
Another hour late,
Damn,
Blimey,
Coffee?
Only coffee.
l'll have a doughnut with my coffee.
No, l don't mean that ..
..only coffee, nothing else ..
..you know.
l know l know .. l love Anaida.
So? l love Steve.
Steve seems the cuppa tea type..
No cuppa tea, only coffee..
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this way
Disgusting.
She's nice.. why disgusting?
Not her. You're disgusting.
You're worse than my neighbour.
What does he do?
Lives in the house right
opposite mine.
Whenever l'm in my room he spies
on me through his telescope.
You must be doing something
to tempt him.
Me?
Aho, Aho, Aho,
l don't do anything..
C'mon game.
l'm not playing.
First you'll do one thing that you've
never done but l've done,
Then l'll do one thing that l've
never done but you've done.
l've done everything..
Your turn first.. follow me.
l'm not going anywhere.. we play
right here, in front of everybody.
l'm not that kinda guy..
l got class man..
lf l wanted to kiss
you l'd have asked.
This is the limit.
You.. just forget it.
Just sip the coffee and
read the newspaper..
Sorry.
Go up on that escalator.
But it's coming down.
So? You've never climbed up an
escalator that's coming down?
l have. Many times.
Off you go. This is the game.
This is crazy.
l don't bother for it..
Hold this.
Get started..
You gone crazy.
Mind your own business.
This escalator's coming down.
Oh really l didn't know.
You'll hurt yourself.
Keep quite,
ldiot,
Moron,
Not bad.
Ok.
Ok my turn next.
Rikki eveready..
Have you ever gotten a tattoo done?
No.
Have you?
Liar.. show.
Can't.. it's here..
l'm not doing anything
till l see it myself.
God you're impossible. Hold this..
Higher..
Here.
Happy.. ?
But what is it?
Butterfly.
Oh.
Show again.
You wish, C'mon,
Bring it on big mamma.. kill me..
Boom Shankar,
Just imagine..
..if you and l were not engaged..
..and Anaida and Steve had bumped
into each other on the train..
Now just suppose..
..if Steve-Anaida had met..
had coffee together..
..chatted up..
..you think they would've hit it off?
Fallen in love?
Then Steve would've
been Anaida's Rikki..
..and Anaida would've
been Steve's Alvira.
Then what would've happened
to Rikki and Alvira?
You flirting?
What do you mean by Rikki and Alvira?
Why don't you just say you and l..
Right ok..
..if we had met, just like that..
l mean..
..if Steve and Anaida were
out of the picture..
Then what would've happened?
Say..
[ Skipped item nr. 934 ]
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
lf l'm shy l'll face
your warm embrace
Entwine your breath in mine
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Here's the Taj Mahal.
A red stone Taj?
lt is the Taj. Someone's
painted it red.
Tell me this monument's
name, or l'll leave.
King Humayun's Tomb.
Didn't have the money to take you
to Agra and show you the real Taj.
Sorry.
From today Humayun's Tomb
is the Taj for me..
As beautiful as our love..
Come exchange your sleep for mine
Give me a dream, take one from me
There's one dream trapped
inside these eyes
One beneath a pillow moon
Let's put to bed this sleepless sky
Come join me in a lullabye
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke
halke Hold me halke
One should cover their head before
entering a Gurdwara (Sikh temple)
Even in the Dargah.
Must cleanse your body before
offering prayers to the Gurdwara..
Same at the Dargah.
What l get from my Guru, will
l get from your shrine?
They both house the love divine..
My devotion is your devotion..
Your love is my love..
lt took us an endless age to say
Two words, one eternal thought
That one day seemed a hundred years
Another hundred the night forgot
How would it be if soft,
slow, silent
Eternity were in a moment caught
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Taj,
No, Humayun's Tomb.
As beautiful as our love.
No profit, no loss,
no virtue, no sin..
Love infinite love..
Marry me.
Then every year we'll celebrate
our wedding anniversary..
..right here at Taj.
Every year Taj?
Promise.
l accept.
Pluck threads of light from
the weave of the moon
And knit yourself a veil
lf l'm shy l'll face
Your warm embrace
Entwine your breath in mine
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Hold me halke
Hold me halke halke
Hold me halke halke
Your lips so halke halke
Hold me halke
So..
What would've happened
between us..
..if Steve and Anaida
weren't in the picture?
What would've happened?
Would've been war.
Right..
.. war.
Nothing else could've happened.
No chance at all..
The train coming in from Birmingham
has arrived on Platform number 3.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Train's come too soon.
Soon?
Late by two hours..
Late it is but still
too soon isn't it?
Sorry?
You go get your doughnuts.
Bye.
Hey wait,
You don't have my number?
Why should l?
May come handy..
Flirting again.. ?
Marketing..
Ok..
My number's 7902653241 .
ln case you ever need a lawyer..
Why would l want to sue anyone?
Keep it.. may come handy.
Bye.
Hey Jajjan, cuppa tea here.
Yeah.. am on my way.
Yeah
..where are you? Been waiting
for the last two hours..
At the station, couldn't wait at the
platform for two hours could l?
Now why would l lie..
Have l ever lied to you?
Ok. l'm coming..
Relax my dear.. l am here..
Coming to meet you Huffy Bhai,
Where are you man?
What do you mean?
You're following Karachi time,
we're in England,
Salawalekum Phupho (Aunty) Hi Humera,
How was the trip?
- How are you? - Smashing.
Give me.. l'll take that.
- Meet these guys..
Let's go.. - Ok.. come along.
Hang on, let's have tea first..
Not here.
Five minutes wont bring calamity.
lt will.. big calamity..
Ok..
Hey boys, we gotta go now..
Tea..
Tea?
Tea..
Let them guzzle tea..
we'll get going..
This is going to kill our
reputation in the market.
Boys, Partner has got
news cops have raided the station..
..they're hunting out
illegals, let's go,
You guys can travel alone from
Birmingham to London..
.. but not from the station to home?
l'm not coming to receive
you next time?
Shahriyar Bhai's coming tomorrow
from Birmingham..
..You two are getting married.
What?,
Now don't start
jumping with excitement..
..you're not getting
married tomorrow..
Take this.
l can't Aapi.. l'm tired.
Hold it or l'll sock you,
Hello Neil where are you?
lt's a crisis, come
over to my place now,
l'm in love,
[ Skipped item nr. 1071 ]
O this love's a repeat offender,
it errs every time Rabba..
Though l try to save
it from its grave..
..it surrenders
to its crime Rabba..
lf someone finds a way in,
if someone gets you swayin'
Again and again and again, don't fling
a dart at my heart with your eyes
..don't fling a dart at
my heart with your eyes
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Huffy Bhai..
l'm in love.
She's an amazing girl.
That's why she's already engaged?
Tell me what should l do?
Show me the way.
Rikki darling, you..
lt squeaks.
We'll oil it.
lf it still squeaks?
We'll oil it some more.
lf it still squeaks..
Then we'll pour the oil on
you and set you on fire,
- Rikki relax.. - What
do the hell Huffy Bhai,
They'll pay 300 month for rent and
expect Buckingham Palace..
Look you've seen the
place now leave..
That's how much we show..
We'll call if we want
to rent it out..
Yes yes, we'll call..
Where've these bums landed from?
Bhatinda.
Whatchyasaying? Not from my Bhatinda.
Relax darling.. just relax..
How can l relax.. Some other
woman has trapped him.
Even if she hadn't trapped him,
what could you've done?
For him you're already engaged.
You're amazing innit..
Even if you were actually engaged,
you should've kept mum.
Looked kinda dodgy at first.
So to avoid him l cooked up the lie.
She wasn't even willing
to share the table..
..only when l told her l'm
engaged did she melt..
What a story l cooked up Huffy
Bhai.. now even you're famous..
That's my boy,
- But isn't he a brownie?
- And a smart aleck too..
But he's so romantic so romantic..
Slow down darling dead-end ahead.
How was l to know after
spending two hours together..
l'd want to spend my
whole life with her..
Ah well said darling well said..
There wouldn't have been this
mess if l'd met her earlier..
Well said my boy.. well said..
Huffy Bhai..
Yes darling..
Why didn't l meet her first?
Ask her next time, if you meet her..
And listen, take it forward
only if he calls.
Sorry..
l'm breaking that 'dark
skinned' oath today.
You understand don't you.
Actually he isn't even so dark,
He's more on the wheatish side..
Anyway you know it all..
Help me. Please.
Amen.
She'll go crazy about me..
..she'll spend the rest
of her life with me
First she cut your call..
..and now she's turned it off.
l'm getting a call from Punjab..
l've called Punjab your
job will be done..
My man is in Punjab he'll..
Damn it l'm in Punjab right now,
we'll talk when l'm back..
Come on my boy don't cry..
..we'll get you another toy.
l will get that one..
..just watch.
Really?,
l'm going to get fired
because of you..
Get me a job at your showroom..
..and l'll listen to your
love-story whenever you want..
Rikki called,
No, What did he say?
l didn't get to talk to him.. Forgot
to turn on the phone after church..
ldiot,.. Call now.
Don't let this tangle ruin our
business.. go on take the call..
l'm in New York right now,
call in two days.
Rikki Thukral this is Alvira Khan.
Attitude, Remember she cut you off..
Alvira who?
Alvira who,
He said Alvira who,
You hang up.. right now,
Right.
Hello..
Oh Alvira Khan..
You know how l keep getting
unwanted calls..
Got connected to you by mistake..
l'd scribbled another number
right next to yours..
l just got mixed up.
No mixture here madam..
..you just took my
name Rikki Thukral?
Actually.. Steve wants to meet you.
Steve?
Yeah, he's dying to meet you..
Look we just had coffee together..
..that too not in secret.. out
in the open..
What're you saying? Steve's
not like that..
He just wants to meet you..
just like that.
O like that?
Like that.. it's ok..
Yeah like that.
With you and your fiance..
What did you say her name is?
Anaida..
He's sitting right here..
He?
l mean she..
When l'm gushing with
love l call her he.
We're hogging Chinese.
Good.. enjoy your lunch then..
And do tell Steve
l'm kinda busy today..
..let's program it for
some other day.
lt's alright.. Now that Anaida's
back you must be stuck.
Not really..
l mean Steve's a buddy after all..
..would've surely taken
off time to meet him..
..but tonight Anaida and l are going
to Jharokha for a dance competition.
Anyway, the two of us are going
out for dinner this evening..
You know.. candle-lights,
soft music, and all that.
O all that..
We're the hard music types
That's my boy,
What a fab dancer Anaida is..
Really.
Actually Steve's been after
me to go to Jharokha..
He's very curious about what the
Southall crowd does there?
We blow up bombs.
Sorry?,
What do you expect people to do
in a discotheque? They dance.
So then we'll drop by after dinner..
..to see you guys dance.
So you're coming tonight?
Maybe..
lt's all set up..
She's meeting me tonight
at Jharokha..
ldiot not with you alone..
with Anaida too.
Now don't you worry..
call her in the evening..
..and make some excuse..
now have some kebabs.
Lateef, half plate kebabs here..
lt's coming..
Huffy Bhai..
My heart's amada (ready)
to meet her..
Showing of your Urdu today,
Ok you go meet her and we'll cook
up some excuse for Anaida..
Just say her mum died.
Died.
Sure.
Anaida's mum's died and l've come to
the dance competition to meet you..
..now will you dance with me Alvira?
Give me break Huffy Bhai,
When you were cooking
up this fantastic story..
should have created Anaida
with someone real in mind.
Then in a crisis like this, we
could've used her as Anaida.
That's exactly what l did..
..but she won't agree
to go as Anaida.
Who is it?.. Tell me
l'll talk to her.
No, you'll clobber me.
l won't.. go on.
Laila..
Laila?
Our Laila?,
She's quite a looker.
So why do you stay away from her?
Paying for sex is not nice..
Here call her.
Oh no dear.. it's best
if you talk to her.
Hey Lateef is a half-plate
going to take a full hour?
Are you butchering a goat?
Take it easy Huffy Bhai..
Speed it up here.. Are
you butchering a goat,?
lt'll all get set.
..and give my regards to Laila..
What's this
Steve-is-dying-to-meet-you rubbish?
He said Alvira who, how
could l have said..
l'm dying to meet
you after that.
And you shouldn't.. he'll
be there with his fiance.
At least once l have to see that
dodgy Anaida, who's trapped my Rikki.
Your Rikki, Have you lost it?
Yes..
The go. But you're not going to park
yourself at Jharokha are you?
Right now l have to go to your
showroom.. to convince Steve.
Steve.. in my showroom?,
Yes.. c'mon now.
- Satvinder sweets l've been
waiting.. - My turn Satvi..
My eyes still hurt Satvi..
- Get your hands off him..
- You try removing them..
- Don't look at these two, l'm here
for you.. - Bring it on..
- Watch me, - Alright bitch,
Ladies please,
Mum always says.. good
girls don't fight.
O.. so you too are crazy
about Satvinder?
No way, Because you keep going on
about Satvinder twenty-four-seven..
..his face got stuck in my head.
You're so lucky..
O Satvinder..
Steve..
He's my Sattu ok,
Satvinder, look something's
wrong with my glasses again.
Where are they?
Oh silly me.. l looked here
and l looked there..
..and they've been hanging in
the middle all this while.
Please taste them properly..
My Mum always says..
lf you take care of your glasses
your glasses will take care of you..
l've cleaned them.. They're fine.
My mum always says.. you got to put
things back where they belong.
That's amazing innit.. My Mum
says exactly the same thing..
There you go.. Putting it back for
your Mum's sake. Have a nice day.
Sattu,
What do you want?
Nothing.. She needs.. help.
How can l help you?
So that's all l need you
to do.. Simple, innit.
You mean there is no problem
with your eyes?
But this is an even bigger
problem.. help me.
Telling lies is bad.. lf Mum gets
to know she'll be very mad..
Then we won't tell Mum.
Mum gets to know everything.
ls she your Mum or ClA?
ClA. Your eyes are fine..
there is no problem.
There is there is.. very big problem.
Thanks for coming, have a nice day.
Okay.. l must say.. you're
a very brave boy..
ln this day and age only brave
kids do as their Mum says.
l'm no kid.. You can't fool me.
Ouch my foot,
Left or right?
Both.. God it hurts..,
Anybody out there.. this
man is carrying me away.
Don't worry.. l'll take you home
He's going to take me home..
Help , Lemme go.
How will l take you
to the taxi then..
O he's going to rape me in the taxi..
lt's a rape situation.. put
me down you molester,
You.. are.. so.. bad.
l'm pressing charges
against this man..
No no, wait..
Neil, hand this tape
to your Manager..
Hear me out..
Let's hear..
l..
l hate you,
Neil..
Ok fine.. l'll help..
But l still hate you.
So sweet Sattu,
Steve..
Steve..
Ronnie you asshole, l
want my breakfast now,
Breakfast at this time?,
Are you my pimp that you'll keep
tabs on my meal timings?
l just..
..just not..
..just for you..
lt's a screwy job man..
l know and l will pay..
You bet your ass you will..
but double..
Done. l'll pay double.
So the deal's fixed.
You'll just need to make
a few alterations.
do l look like a tailor?
Can you please cut down
on the swearing.
Why?
Anaida doesn't.
Screw her.. Who's this
bitch Anaida anyway?
You..
Anaida..
lf l go l'll go as Satvinder
otherwise l'll..
Neil,
.. go by any other name.
What's in a name anyway?
So what is your name?
Superman..
Took ages to get it on.. stop
fingering it, it'll come off.
O Mum.. What a mess l've
gotten myself into..
Stop biting your nails.
l hate you..
Good..
Where are you Mum?
Whatchyasaying? Limousine,
lf we're competing with Superman..
we have to match his car, right?
Don't mind but we'll
come back by tube..
Come..
Gently please.
You .. we're paying you innit?
Just shut up and drive.
Now why are you shitting bricks?
Because you just don't stop swearing.
And can you speak Hindi
in English style?
But isn't your Anaida French?
English style will do..
Non non non.. Mon Chere,
Mon amoure, Sui Passe..
You've lived in Paris?
Darling in our profession, we
don't go to Paris or Tokyo..
Paris and Tokyo come to us..
Why French, l can be from anywhere
in the world.. Japanese?
No no, for now French will do..
..just the swearing..
..cut down a bit..
Satsri kal (Greetings) to all the
Pajis and Auntyjis,
Welcome to Jharokha,
Let's see if you can shake those
bloody legs a little faster..
..for Mr. & Ms Southall,
Aren't you Tejinder's son?
Even your father breaks into queues
like this.. buzz off,
Oh you're so cute..
Here's your number.. stick
it on your back..
Seventy seven.. My lucky number,
God.. what a cheesy crowd..
Looks like all my Mum's friends
have landed up here.
Don't worry, no one will recognize
you.. You look very.. different..
Pinky aunty,
Behave yourself.. Or
should l call Neil?
O.. how l hate you.
Shabbo,,
Aadab..(Hello)
A warm aadab from Shabnam
to one and all.
Shabnam ji.. there's no sound..
There's no sound..
Shabbo baby, turn on the mike. Rules,
Ok.
One two, one-two,
Aadab Shabbho Aunty, Aadab,
Naughty Boy,
Uncle gimme a break
it's Friday night..
Just chill for tonight..
My entire staff has gone home..
lt's an advanced booking..
l can't send the fridge now..
..don't you get it,
l promise first thing
tomorrow morning..
Just bugger off,
The swearing..
Shabnam ji..
This year we've organized a very
exciting prize..
..for the winning couple..
One week's paid holiday..
Guess where?
Jallandhar,
No,
Amratsar,
No,..
Seven days in Hollywood,
Oh my god,
Who, where, what..
This Anaida's stunning.
My my my..
That Steve's a real hunk.
Really?
Nah
Hold my hand.
Not my elbow, my hand..
l can't stand it anymore.
Give me patience.
l've given all l had..
l don't have any left.
Let's go..
But why there.. exit's that way.
To dance, Steve..
Where did they go?
Enough talking.. Now
let's do some dancing,
Round one,
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Come on explode
[ Skipped item nr. 1445 ]
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
Come on explode
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
Come on explode
Let the deuces run wild
Lose the jack of spades
You're the king of the pile
With wild abandon c'mon let's sway
With wild abandon c'mon let's sway
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
lt's wicked here
Love is deceit till you kick it here
We lick it here
Four hearts hunt each other
till they nick it here
The stakes are high, the odds loaded
The wager's wild, the bet's corroded
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
You guys were only going to drop by..
Oh he got stuck that we couldn't
leave till we've danced..
And he's still stuck..
Boss, we haven't been introduced..
Meself Rikki.
Sat.. teeeve,
Sat'teeeve?
Anaida,
Alvira,
So Sat'teeve..
How goes with British Railways?
Mum says buying tickets everyday
burns a hole in the pocket.
So she bought me a monthly pass..
Sat'eeve buddy the day you buy a
monthly pass, l'll buy a private jet..
Stop kidding.. For how many millions
did you settle the case?
Look who's talking millions.. You
can't even spend ten pounds..
Didn't even buy an engagement
ring for Anaida?
Rikki bought me a ring.. but
too big for my finger.. so..
l wear it here..
Ouch.. Mum says if you pierce your
bellybutton it hurts like hell.
No monsieur.. go on put it back..
no hurt, no pain..
How much she loves me..
Keeps the ring so close
to her twenty-four-seven.
Close? Your fiance
is flirting with mine..
..aren't you going to
do something about it?
No, l will do something..
Keep your hands off her
Steve you swine..
Swearing is bad,
Why are you shouting at Steve?
So who should l shout at?
Mind your Anaida..
She hasn't done anything..
What's Steve done?
He touched her.
Why did she let him?
- He's a letch.
And she..
she's a..
l'm a.. what?
Round two,
Tension's rising, lt's getting
hot in here, O l'm sweatin',
And now only 20 couples
left to Jhoom,
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
[ Skipped item nr. 1523 ]
Spinnin' around
The wheel of night's winnin' a round
Roll the dice
Place a wager, bet the moon,
raise the price
Purse strings have untied
They're stakin' diamonds on the side
Blow the horn get down
Beat the drum swing around
lf she shakes her booty
You shake this joint to the ground
Lock lips, spin around
Sway this way right off the ground
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
lt's the final round at Jharokha
so keep your turbans tight..
..and your pyjamas high.
The Moulin Rouge of Punjab
brings you two couples..
..it's Number 77 and Number 99,
Didn't say it in front of Rikki
because he'd feel bad..
..must say you have
a loose character..
And you have a loose screw..
Lousy lipstick, cheap joke.
Joke? l'm dead serious..
You'll ruin Rikki.. he's lndian,
you're Pakistani..
He's a cool dude, and you..
..home-breaker, man-chaser..
and you don't even know Hindi.
l know Hindi.. kamini. (Hindi abuse)
ls that all..
..sister..
Don't you dare insult my sister..
Sister's..
Allah, give me patience..
Don't mind but this Alvira
isn't really your type..
You've got a rocking personality and
she's so drab with tattoos and all..
Alvira even showed me her tattoo..
Keep your cool.. Final round,
focus, final round..
l'm telling you as a friend..
..you and Alvira don't
really make a pair..
..But you keep your cool, focus.
You're trying to break my team..
so that l don't win..
Ninety nine..
Next Mr. Southall..
Simmer down darlings.. l'm coming.
You can't break my team.. and
you will never win the title.
l tried everything but nothing
works on that idiot.
lf l was Anaida l'd have dumped him
Thing is Laila ji..
..that Sat'eeve's won
the real game..
We'll go from here with
our pride intact.
No matter what, don't
let them win the title.
That witch should not be crowned
Ms. Southall.. get it?
Why are you always shitting bricks?
We'll screw them,
lf they win l'll kill you,
l hate you, Let's rock,
Let's go,
Round Three,
The market square's now a ring to a
dare, between the blades of our eyes
[ Skipped item nr. 1585 ]
Do we lose limb,
life or reach for the knife..
..in this clash of
our two-edged eyes
We've slipped the rings
off the lobes of the moon
Come tap, slap,
clap with your hands
We've slipped the rings
off the lobes of the moon
Come tap, slap, clap with your hands
My amore, come clap with your hands
My amore, come clap with your hands
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Don't wager on this slippery night,
it'll slither out of your fingers
Come on now..
This lathered moon seems slippery
too, it'll dissolve until it lingers
Come on now..
You're the reason for my breath
For you l'd welcome death
My amore, Come clap with your hands
O you're a wonder, you're the thunder
Then and now, above and under
My amore, Come clap with your hands
We'll spend the darkness
here somewhere, a chat..
..a chillum, a tale we'll share
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
The silly, the simple,
the pure of heart..
..are the finer souls,
the ones with worth
The ones who never live for love,
are dead well before their birth
Listen one and listen all
Your love l raise, in love l fall
Listen one and listen all
Your love l raise, in love l fall
My amore, Come clap with your hands
My amore, Come clap with your hands
Fresh baked bread in a honey dip soak
Taste of sugar sweet lips that spoke
Scorch up the ember
and sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this
way sway this way this sway..
The market square's now a ring to a
dare, between the blades of our eyes
Do we lose limb, life
or reach for the knife..
..in this clash of
our two-edged eyes
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Let's crush a moonbeam
Let's burgle the day
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
We'll spend the darkness
here somewhere..
..a chat, a chillum,
a tale we'll share
Blow smoke rings blue
and sway baby sway
Fresh baked bread in a honey dip soak
Taste of sugar sweet lips that spoke
Scorch up the ember
and sway baby sway
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
Sway this way this sway this way
sway this way this sway..
And the winner is our own
Bhatinda boy Rikki and..
..his little lady-finger Anaida,
l'm sure we've been cheated.
And now l declare Mr.
and Miss Southall,
l didn't even win the title.
l hate you..
You love him that much?
No point shedding tears for him.
Mum always says your destiny
decides who you get.
Got it.
Listen, l'm really sorry, l..
Aapi, guess who's been
waiting for you?,
Shahriyar Bhai.. he's downstairs..
Shahriyar bloody Bhai.
Rikki bloody Thukral,
l hate them all. Damn them,
Rikki Thukral?
Huffy Bhai..
What the hell..
Why does Huffy Bhai go for
a walk every morning?
He'll have a heart attack some day..
Coming..
Oh Steve..
Steve,
What do you want?
Cuppa tea.
Why should l give you a cup of tea?
You just asked me what l want.
Rikki..
Get down here you ..
..sneaked off without
paying up last night.
What're you doing here?
C'mon now pay up.
Look he's going to pay me..
that should prove everything.
Prove what?
That l'm a prostitute.
l know why you keep calling
yourself a prostitute..
..so l don't feel guilty.
Guilty?
Last night..
..l and she..
she and l..
..both of us..
You had sex?,
Go ahead kill me if you want..
..but before you do,
please forgive me.
Don't you hit him.
Alvira's mad about him..
..you two-timing bastard,
l cheated you and you're
worried about Alvira?
Thank god we got to know the
real you before marriage
There's nothing between the
two of us.. Tell him.
Look l'm Laila.. not Anaida..
Prostitute.. not fiance.
There's nothing going on between
me and this swine..
Out with the money,
l love you.
Screw love..
l really love you.
Goddamit l'm a prostitute,
l still love you Laila..
You're not lying?
l never lie. Never.
Son of a..
Son of a.. what?
Loving mother,
Look at him ..here's
a real man.. Laila's man..
He's a fraud.. what about Alvira?,
Don't ever call me a fraud..
Look here.. fake Steve..
l'm Satvinder, hundred
percent genuine..
And Alvira.. doesn't she love you?
She loves him. l hate her..
l hate her..
What?
Darling he's saying she loves you.
He's saying that she loves you..
No point wracking your brain now..
Someone else will
catch the butterfly..
..and you'll be left
rubbing your chest.
Scram my boy,
Don't know where she lives.
You're still wondering where she
lives, just look at him..
Hey Satvinder..
Take a breather guys..
You know where Alvira lives..?
Satvinder,
l hate you,
Let's go..
Kulwinder.. isn't that your boy?
- No.. - Looks like him..
My Satti's not a bum..
He works overtime every night..
so his Mum can play bingo..
Weigh the cabbage..
You've gone blind.
That one.
No wait..
That one.
O boy..
Sattu..
Think..
lt's a matter of my
life and your death,
Where's it gone?
lt was here..
That one..
This side..
That side?..
lt's this one,
Where did he go?
This is the one..
Telescope yours innit?
Yeah.. why?
Come on sonny l'll show
you some stars.
- Sorry, - Focus, focus,
Are you going to meet Bhai like that?,
Oh my God l'm not even dressed,
l'm naked..
Hi.
Come let's get over with it.
Nice room..
Didn't go to work today?
lt's a Sunday..
Oh l thought you took
leave to meet me..
You thought wrong..
A phone number.. Rikki
Thukral? lmportant?
What's this guy discussing?
Discussion.. We should listen. Video
audio both.. very strong mike..
So Mum said why don't you
and Alvira get married..
l said not a bad idea..
Let's not beat around the bush..
Just ask what you want.
They're talking about marriage.
l'm in no hurry..
l am.. l'll start..
First. l've already had
sex. Eleven times.
She lies with such confidence..
Say something.
l've had sex only four times..
you beat me there..
So.. what you gonna do?
l'll feel jealous what else..
That's it?
That's it?
l have a tattoo.. here..
That's nice..
Just like mine.
- l have many male friends.
- So do l.
l hate salwar suits.
Even if l wear them?
What planet is this guy from?
You're the limit. l've told you all
my vices and you still don't hate me?
l haven't come here to hate you.
Hate me,.. l don't
want you to like you.
l want everybody to hate each other..
But why?
Because l love Rikki Thukral.
Yessss,
Rikki Thukral? You love somebody
with such a weird name?
Weird?
l like Rikki.
lt's weird..
How long have you loved
him? For years?
Since day before yesterday..
Don't let him touch you,
Rikki Thukral,?
Rikki?
No, he's my cousin, Shahriyar..
Really?
l'm here to marry her.
Shut up,
You.. meet me downstairs,
l have to talk to you..
Yeah alright. l'm not afraid.
l got class,
Alvira, that Thukral isn't your
type.. What does he do?
Nothing.. and yet everything..
Look l've got an MA, M Tech,
Phd, everything,
Congratulations.
Allo you look happy. All
sorted with Shahriyar?
Yes all sorted.. we're
not getting married.
Where will we find a better
match than Shahriyar?
He's standing outside..
What?
So where's your Ms. Southall?
Ran away with Satvinder.
He told you everything?
l'll kill him.
Let him be..
..his life's in Laila's hands..
Who's Laila?
The one who came last
night as Anaida..
She's made a man out of Sattu.
Oh Satti when did this happen?,
lsn't she the one who
picks up men at night?
Mum.. this is Laila..
Not a very good cook..
..can't keep the house clean..
..has a swearing problem..
she's working on that..
..but she'll make a top
class daughter-in-law..
That much l can guarantee..
Pairi paunnna Mum ji? (Greetings)
l love you..
.. and l'm damn sure you'll fall
in love with her too Mum.
But Satti..
No buts Mum.. We'll be back
from Hollywood in a week..
Bye Mum,
So you lied to me?
Nothing compared to your lie..
Should l tell you the truth..
..you look incredible when you lie..
l'll..
You idiot what took you so long,
if l'd said yes to Shahriyar..
You're amazing..
One small hitch and you go running
to marry next available man.
Typical lndian mentality.
l'm not lndian..
You're Pakistani.. same thing.
lf you say one more word
against Pakistanis..
Why would l say anything
against Pakistanis..?
Even my best friend..
..my girlfriend is a Pakistani.
Good.. otherwise all the
neighbours will come out..
..and forced you to marry me.
So let them. l'm not scared.
Before they can force me
l'll marry you myself.
Why?
Because in two hours we spent
our entire lives together.
Even then.. no war.
No war?,
No chance.
Really?
lf not war.. then what happened?
That which happens..
Love.
Just happens..
..after spending two
hours with somebody.
How many other girls have
you spent two hours with?
Eleven?
You creep.
C'mon game..
One thing that neither of
us have never done..
What?
ln broad-day-light.. in front
of everybody.. a kiss..
A long kiss..
Ok.
Who cares for that syrupy
sweet mush..
Eternal promises and
sentimental gush..
Sparks, clash, passionate flash..
Love of today, that's the way to sway,
[ Skipped item nr. 1895 ]
What's your sun-sign?
Listen.. l'm already engaged..
You're flirting..
Why should l flirt?
l too am engaged..
See.. original topaz..
Does she even have a name or
you just call her fiance'?
No she's nameless.. What
kind of question is that?
So what is it?
Anaida..
Your turn.. tell me..
How did you meet your fiance?
Superman brought us together.
He sells comics?
O Rabba come unravel the
mystic knots of love
Find no gain or loss within
the priceless knots of love
You're ablaze ablaze ablaze, the
spark of love's a raging fire
Our eyes they fly like kites up high
The threads of our gazes collide
Drink the dew, that heady brew
'n jus' sway baby sway
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Sway this way this sway this
way Sway this way this way
Rabba..