Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape (2018) Movie Script
1
BOY:
That's Mom and Dad.
[hip-hop music]
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Gaffigan!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh,
you make me feel
only 20 pounds overweight.
"Oh, look at his beard.
He's--
He's got quite a beard.
He looks like an out of shape
Civil War general."
My dearest Peggy...
it has been a fortnight
since I have had a salad.
I love my beard.
You grow a beard
and strangers are fascinated.
I have strangers
coming up to me,
"Hey, why'd you grow
your beard out?"
"I joined Al-Qaeda."
"Don't even joke around
about that."
But you can ask
about facial hair, right?
You can't be like,
"Hey, how long you had
the man boobs?
Are they natural?"
Now you're looking
at my man boobs.
To me
they're beautiful.
When do I get a Dove commercial?
I'm talking about
the Dove ice cream bar
which barely cleans your body
and is less racist.
Thank you for coming out.
It is great to be here.
Thank you so much.
It is...
It's been a crazy year for me.
Crazy year.
I don't know if you know,
in April it was discovered
my wife had a brain tumor.
I'm not even making this up.
It was removed.
She's great.
-Everything's good. Thank you.
-[cheers and applause]
I didn't remove it.
I was in the other room
soiling myself, but...
the tumor is gone
along with my ability
to ever win another argument.
It's not like I was winning
a lot before,
but now I'm retired.
And luckily my wife's
not the type to bring it up.
Well, once she did.
She was like, "You know,
I did have brain surgery."
And I couldn't be like,
"Yeah, that was like
a month ago.
It's time to move on,
you know?
What about my
seasonal allergies?
We all have our cross to bear."
It was crazy.
You know,
the surgeon told me the tumor
was the size of a pear--
which is scary,
but also confusing.
I was like,
"Did he go to med school
or a farmer's market?"
But tumors are often compared
to fruit.
A pear, a lemon,
a grapefruit.
Interesting fact,
worst tumor, grapefruit.
Worst fruit, grapefruit.
When you think about it,
a grapefruit looks more
like a tumor
than a fruit.
I must feel sorry
for grapefruit.
"Yeah, we can't win,
you know?
We're already the worst fruit,
now we're compared
to the worst tumor?
Well, at least we help
old people poop."
That is the worst impression
of a grapefruit ever.
It's kind of unfortunate
that there's another fruit
that's much smaller
named "grape"
'cause you know there's
situations in doctor's offices,
"We found a tumor,
it's the size of a grape--"
"Thank God."
"I didn't finish...
Grapefruit."
"Oh, that's--
that's very different."
It was strange.
You know, when the doctor
told me the tumor
was the size of a pear,
I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors
are bad at analogies."
But I quickly realized
they're just dumbing it down
for idiots like me.
Like the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
"Well, this guy's not gonna
understand centimeters.
I don't even wanna try
and explain circumference.
Based on appearance,
he doesn't eat fruit, but...
he's probably seen a pear...
when he's at the grocery store
buying ice cream."
I don't know why the surgeon
sounds like Andy Rooney.
[as Andy Rooney]
You ever notice tumors
look like fruit?
[normal voice] By the way,
if you don't know
who Andy Rooney is,
you're a child.
And if you do know
who Andy Rooney is,
you should probably eat
more grapefruit.
Tumors compared to fruit.
They're--
They're sometimes
compared to balls
like a golf ball
or a softball,
but the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
"I'm gonna stick with food.
I got a better shot
at this fat ass understanding."
I joke around,
but it was scary.
We have five children
and there were moments
when I was like,
"Oh, my gosh, if anything
happens to my wife,
those five kids
are gonna be put up
for adoption.
Some of these jokes
are just for the fathers.
My wife
was so amazingly strong
and brave during
this whole experience.
For three months after
the surgery
she couldn't eat solid foods
and her friends would send us
the most delicious food.
She couldn't eat.
So I found myself
hiding the food
and secretly eating it.
"This is like a whole new
eating disorder for me.
Am I supposed to feel shame
'cause I'm helping my wife!
Really I'm a hero."
She mostly ate Jell-O.
Jell-O.
You know what
they make Jell-O out of?
Bones and hooves.
I always thought
that was an urban legend.
Bones and hooves.
What kind of mad man...
"Let me have
the bones and hooves,
I've got an idea
for a kid's dessert.
It'll be huge.
We'll get Cosby
to do the commercials.
Everyone trusts him.
Anyone using the eyeballs?
I can make an abacus.
I've got tons of ideas."
They say laughter
is the best medicine--and it is,
after you've received
real medicine...
from a real medical
professional.
Prior to that,
you don't want any laughter.
You don't want a doctor
giggling during an exam.
[laughing] "Oh, my gosh,
this is your body?
Wow, nice man boobs."
My wife had the surgery
in New York City
at a hospital named
Mount Sinai.
I've noticed that
a lot of hospitals in the U.S.
are either named after Saints
or ancient places in Israel
which is not that reassuring
when you think about it.
It's like, "Hi,
welcome to our hospital.
We're all about science
which is why our building
is named after the place
God talked to Moses
as a burning bush.
Over here's our
Casper the Ghost wing...
next to our Astrology Center.
Do you like UFOs?
We love those.
We're all about science."
Spent two weeks
in the hospital.
People what work in hospitals
are truly amazing people.
-[cheering]
-They are.
So nice and supportive.
It makes you suspicious,
right?
Are they stealing the drugs?
They're a little too excited
to be around
sick people in pajamas.
And when I say "sick,"
I'm not talking about
the positive slang, right?
'Cause that's--that's part
of our language, right?
"That jacket is sick!"
But you don't want
a medical professional
to be like,
"Your test results are sick!
I mean, let me clarify,
you're dying."
It's got to be hard
to work in a hospital.
That hospital lighting.
Everyone looks sick
in that hospital lighting.
I walked in, they're like,
"We should get you to the ER."
"I'm just here
to see my wife."
"Well, you have jaundice.
See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!
I have jaundice, too!
We all have jaundice!"
When my wife would nap,
I would go to the cafeteria.
Hospitals have the most
cutting-edge medical equipment,
but they're still serving food
like it's Shawshank Redemption.
How about selling an MRI machine
and getting a pasta station?
"Jim, you're a monster."
There's different sections
in hospitals.
There's the Emergency Room,
the Intensive Care Unit.
Which sound scary,
but I don't know why anyone
would want to stay anywhere
but the Intensive Care Unit.
It kind of implies
the rest of the hospital's like,
"Look, we care, but we're not
gonna be a spaz about it."
"I get a phone call,
I'm gonna take it, right?
We're like
the Mediocre Care Unit.
Which is better than
We Couldn't Care Less Unit.
Those guys are horrible."
It's wild.
My wife was in surgery
for ten hours.
and before the surgery,
the surgeon told me, he goes,
"Half way through I'll probably
stop and get lunch."
I don't need to know that.
Why even tell me that?
Was he afraid I was gonna
run into him in the cafeteria?
"What are you doing here?!"
"I get these cravings.
Those Snickers commercials
are true."
But he was
a great brain surgeon.
We learned later on
that he's like the best.
I don't know how they determine
the best brain surgeon.
You know,
maybe there's a competition.
America's Got Tumors.
Heidi Klum
thought he was the best.
The best brain surgeon.
Isn't it enough that someone's
a brain surgeon?
None of us could even
get in Med School.
A brain surgeon goes
to medical school,
afterwards,
specializes in neurology,
after that, specializes
in surgery of the brain,
and we're like,
"Yeah, but are they any good?"
"Yeah,
they're a brain surgeon!"
You know what they do
with the bad brain surgeons?
They don't let them
become brain surgeons.
Can you imagine the pressure
on a brain surgeon?
At no point during their workday
can they say,
"Hey,
it ain't brain surgery."
'Cause it's always
brain surgery!
Every day!
"What'd you do at work, honey?"
"Brain surgery!"
"That's fun.
You want some fruit?"
"Never!"
My wife had a--she had
an amazing team of doctors.
She had the brain surgeons.
She also had
an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
Ear, nose, and throat.
That kinda sound like
they didn't make the cut
for brain surgeon.
"I wanna be a brain surgeon."
"You know what?
Let's stick with
the ears, nose, and throat.
You'd be better with the things
surrounding the brain."
"Can I have the eyes?"
"You know what?
Let's stick with the ears,
nose, and throat.
We promised the eyes
to the nerd at LensCrafters."
"Why pick an Optometrist?"
Those ear, nose,
and throat doctors,
they must look at dentists
and think,
"Just teeth?
That's it?
What about the tongue?"
"Not the tongue,
just the teeth."
"You just work on teeth?
Surgery on teeth?"
"Oh, I don't do the surgery.
That's the orthodontist.
I mostly scrape stuff
off of teeth...
while I listen to '80s music.
I love Debbie Gibson."
When you think about it,
dentist,
they don't do the surgery,
they don't even clean the teeth.
They're like, "You guys do
everything and then I'll come in
and jab 'em with
a sharp object...
while I listen to Debbie."
I did figure out what type
of doctor I would want to be,
which is an anesthesiologist.
'Cause just once I'd like to
walk in a room and go,
"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.
I'm gonna give you some drugs
so you can't talk or move...
and one of these strangers
is gonna cut you open.
Good luck."
What draws
someone to anesthesiology?
It's like, "I like medicine,
but I really enjoy
getting people high.
If I could combine the two.
I also prefer
to sit during surgery."
You ever see the
anesthesiologist during surgery?
They're always sitting
there like...
"I don't even know why
I have to be here.
Yeah, they're still alive.
Anyone got the WiFi password?"
But I have a newfound respect
for doctors.
I do.
'Cause when you think about it,
unless we're sick,
we listen to
absolutely nothing
doctors tell us.
They're like,
"You should lose weight."
"Never gonna happen.
What else you got?"
"You should exercise."
"Does eating
French fries count?"
"Get out of my office."
I don't even listen when
I bring my kids to the doctor.
The doctor's like,
"To avoid an infection..."
I'm like, "De de de de de de de
de de de de de de de de de."
My wife's like,
"What'd the doctor say?"
"Don't pick the scab.
I don't listen to nerds!"
That was the only time
I would ever see a doctor.
Is when I bring my kids in.
Sometimes I'd try and horn in
on a pediatric appointment.
The doctor'd be like,
"How's little Mikey doing?"
"Mikey's good.
He's good.
He's a little worried about this
mole I have on my arm.
Yeah, I explained to Mikey
that I've always had the mole,
but Mikey thinks it might've
changed colors."
"Jim, would you like
to make an appointment?"
"No, it's Mikey.
He just needs a thumbs up
or a thumbs down on the mole.
I know Mikey doesn't want to
play the Hippocratic Oath card,
but you have to tell us,
don't you?"
I'm mostly healthy.
I, uh, worked out today.
I know I don't need to.
When I'm home in New York City,
I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.
And I realize when people hear
"the Chinatown YMCA"
they think, "Oh, that's not like
a serious place to workout."
And it's not.
It's not at all.
It's mostly little kids
learning how to swim
and really old, Chinese people
with their parents.
I didn't even know
you could live to that age.
But I tell you, watching
a 90 year old on an elliptical,
really inspires me
to die in my 70s.
It looks like a machine
is eating someone's grandma.
But I love my Y, you know?
It's--It's different
from a normal health club.
There's never moments
when you think,
"Oh, my gosh, look at how much
weight that guy's lifting."
It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,
that guy's smoking...
on a treadmill
in dress pants."
It's very business-casual.
Sure my Y doesn't have
some of the amenities,
but it also doesn't have the
normal health club distractions.
I don't have to deal
with loud music
or people that are in shape.
I walk around my Y
and I'm like, "You know what?
I'm doing okay.
Maybe I should teach a class.
Hi, welcome
to advanced elliptical.
Doesn't matter if you don't
have workout clothes on,
we're not gonna be raising
our heart rate.
So let's step on,
pick a show,
and think about
what we're gonna eat.
Okay,
who's having a burger, huh?
Let's practice eating fries."
I'm ignored at my Y.
I'm ignored at all health clubs.
Like, when I walk
into a fitness area,
even in a hotel,
people always look at me like,
"I didn't know
they serve food here."
The only people that approach me
are personal trainers.
They're like, "You looking for
a personal trainer?"
"Uh, no."
"You should be."
So I've gotten to the point,
if I'm approached by
a personal trainer, I just
act like they're hitting on me.
They're like,
"Hey, how you doing?"
"I'm married."
"Uh, I don't think you unders--"
"I understand perfectly!
You wanna get with me...
but I'm taken, so you can look,
but no touchie."
I got to do some
international shows this year.
I performed in Japan
for the first time
-which was amazing.
-[cheers and applause]
I mean, I wasn't in Japan
just for stand-up,
I was also modeling.
I wish that wasn't that funny.
But Japan--
The Japanese are just--
they're--they're better
at being human.
Can we admit that?
They're--
You know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
The Japanese toilet.
Are you familiar
with the Japanese toilet?
The Japanese took the most
disgusting experience
of human existence
and fixed it.
The Japanese toilet
washes you, dries you,
does your taxes...
and that is in
a Tokyo airport bathroom.
You leave a Japanese
public restroom
cleaner than
when you walked in.
You leave an American
public restroom with PTSD.
Your only thought is, "How can I
forget that experience?
Is there alcohol nearby?"
The entire time I was in Japan
I felt overweight.
Probably
'cause I am overweight,
but generally the Japanese
are thin.
I mean, there are people
that are overweight in Japan,
but not like in America.
We're better at not being thin.
'Cause if you get
really fat in Japan,
they make you Sumo wrestle.
They make their fat people
fight each other...
To entertain the thin people!
And the fat people in Japan
go along with it!
"Why am I doing this?"
"It's prestigious.
Now you try and push that other
fat ass out of the circle
while we try not to giggle...
[giggles]
But first,
throw on this giant diaper
and put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified."
The Japanese are quiet
and polite.
They're like the opposite
of my children.
I had my kids with me and they
were always making loud noises.
Occasionally, I would catch
a Japanese person looking at
my poorly behaved kids
and then they would look at me
and I'd always say
the same thing,
"We're Canadian."
Of course,
we're not Canadian, but...
that is what
some Americans do
when they travel
internationally.
They tell people
they're Canadian.
Which I think is cowardly.
That's why I always
tell people I'm North Korean.
Then I get the respect
I deserve!
How much attention
does the country
of North Korea
need at this point?
Every two days
North Korea's like,
"We're gonna blow up
the world!"
Isn't there a party that's like,
"Then just do it.
Get it over with,
you spaz."
"Jim, don't even joke around
about that.
What if someone from
North Korea was in the audience?
They have a missile program."
It's kinda fun tracking
the North Korean
missile program, right?
They're like, "North Korea
has missiles
that can reach Alaska."
"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!
Well, I don't know anyone
that lives in Alaska."
"North Korea has missiles
that can reach the West Coast."
"Oh, my gosh,
the West Coast?
Well, I don't go there
that often."
"North Korea has missles
that can reach the East Coast."
"Whoa! We gotta do something
about this!
Now we're talking about
real people!"
-[cheers and applause]
-Oh, thank you.
I did some shows in China.
All in Chinese.
I picked it up at the Y.
It's not that hard.
It wasn't that complicated.
You visit some places
and you think, "All right,
there's a language barrier,
but I can get by."
In China I was like, "Oh,
if I got lost I would die here."
I wouldn't last a half a day.
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm a ghost anyway.
The Chinese were very nice.
They were fascinated
with my pale,
blonde children.
Many of them wanted pictures
with my kids.
They didn't really ask.
They just grabbed a kid.
"Can I have a picture
with this one?"
"I guess you're gonna."
And when they were done
with the picture,
they would rub
my blonde kid's head 'cause
you know, they're my kids,
but they're also lucky objects.
And after this happened
a couple times I was like,
"Hey!
We should charge, right?"
China was fascinating
and exhausting.
I brought my kids
to The Great Wall,
we saw the Terracotta Warriors,
we walked through
the Forbidden City,
we rode in a ricksha,
and when we were leaving
I asked my five year old,
I said, "What was your favorite
part of China?"
And he said,
"I liked that time we saw
the truck with the pigs on it."
'Cause at one point,
we were stuck in traffic
and this truck pulled up
and it had pigs in cages.
And that was
his favorite part.
After the 15 hour flight.
And I remember when that truck
pulled up
'cause I remember looking
at those pigs
and feeling sorry for them,
but those pigs looked happy.
It was almost like the pigs
were looking at me
and my five screaming kids
and going,
"Well,
at least we're not that slob."
I do enjoy travelling
to other countries.
Seeing how different,
but essentially similar
we all are.
Like the U.K. is not
that different from the U.S..
You know, if anything,
you go over there and it seems
like British people are trying
to be different from Americans.
They're like, [British accent]
"Oh, you drive on the right side
of the road?
Then--then we're gonna drive
on the left side of the road.
Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?
Then we're gonna call ours...
'mum'.
Oh, you call that a cookie?
Then we're not going
to the dentist."
[normal voice]
You know that's true.
[cheers and applause]
I did notice something
when I was over there.
You know, British people,
they don't say
"the" before "hospital."
You ever notice that?
They're like, [British accent]
"Hospital?
I was feeling knackered
so I went to hospital."
[normal voice] Whenever they
would do that, I'd say,
"Stop that.
That's wrong and weird.
Are you trying to sound
like a polite caveman?
And I had a friend from London,
he was like,
[British accent] "What makes you
think you're doing it properly?"
[normal voice] And I go,
"'Cause I'm American
and we invented
the English language."
It was a pet peeve of mine.
So I did some research.
You know why British people
don't say "the" before hospital?
'Cause they're dicks.
"Jim!"
I know that sounds harsh,
but admit it!
British people
always talk to Americans
like we just walked
into their jewelry store
with two full bags of garbage.
[British accent]
"Ugh, may I help you?
Are you lost?
[shudders]"
[normal voice]
Obviously, I love the Brits
and I would never do those jokes
there.
I have been lucky enough
to perform in the U.K.
a couple times and one time
I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus--
which, for the record,
is a horrible circus.
There's no animals.
No, I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus
and I saw they had
an M&M store
and I looked at that M&M store
and it just made me think
of all the things the British
have given the Americans.
Like our language,
Shakespeare,
the Magna Carta,
and I looked at the M&M store
and I thought,
"Now we're even."
When I looked at the M&M store,
I wasn't even embarrassed
to be American,
I was ashamed to be human
'cause has anyone at any point
in their life thought,
"When are they gonna open
an M&M store?
Sure, I can buy
M&Ms absolutely anywhere,
but I like to buy in bulk...
in a pro-M&M environment."
Obviously, we don't need
an M&M store.
We don't even need
different colored M&Ms.
They all taste the same.
They're just bits of chocolate
shaped like Advil.
With an M on it.
They're not even M&Ms.
They're Ms!
We don't do that
with anything else.
"You want some
raisin & raisins?
Go ahead, grab a handful
of raisin & raisins."
No, I don't even know
how many M&Ms
or Ms they would have to sell
in London
to justify Piccadilly Circus
real estate,
but this M&M store
is massive in the U.K..
It is three levels--
which I guess makes sense,
'cause the first level
so you can buy M&Ms,
the second level
so you can buy more M&Ms,
and then the third level
so you can jump to your death
'cause you wasted time
in an M&M store
when you were in London!
By the way,
I don't have any judgement.
If you personally enjoy
going to the M&M store,
that's fine, but, obviously,
you shouldn't vote.
[cheers and applause]
I was with my kids
at the time
and they wanted to go
to the M&M store,
'cause little children
only wanna do horrible things.
Kids never
wanna do something fun
like sit in a dark bar
and drink beer.
And I remember standing there
with my kids
and I was aware that
there were other parents
with their children
in the M&M store
'cause that's what you do
as a parent.
You do things with your kids
'cause you love them,
but I realized in that moment
I don't love my kids that much.
I love them enough
to walk by the M&M store.
"Jim, you're a monster."
But being a parent is not that
different from being a tourist.
It's essentially
the same experience.
In both
you walk around exhausted
spending money you don't have
while you look for a bathroom.
It's the same experience.
You know?
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I, uh...I was recently given
a gift certificate
for a massage which I will
never use because I'm not
one of the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills.
I've gotten a massage before,
but I just--
I find it hard
to justify a massage like,
"You know what I deserve?
To have someone I don't know
rub my body.
Let's make that happen people."
'Cause massages
are always from strangers.
We get massages from strangers
'cause we can't count
on the people who love us
to touch us.
Right? I mean,
it could be your best friend.
"You see that guy?
I'd take a bullet for him.
I'm not giving him a massage.
I'm no queer."
My wife, the woman I love,
the mother of my children,
here's my massage, "You good?
That's--my hand's cramping."
So we pay total strangers.
"Hey, I know nothing about you,
why don't I take off my clothes
and climb on this padded
dining room table?
Then you can do
whatever you want."
We know nothing
about these people.
I don't even ask
if their a masseuse.
"Oh, you're dressed like
an orderly in a mental ward,
why don't I get in the most
vulnerable position
I can think of?
How about face down
on the donut pillow?
Does that work for you?
'Cause then I can look
at your feet
and imagine
you're grabbing knives."
What do we really know
about massage therapists?
They like to rub strangers
for money
while they listen
to the Avitar soundtrack.
That's a red flag!
Those are the traits
of a serial killer!
I never know
what to say during a massage.
Sometimes I'll try
and break the ice.
I'll be like, "Hey, you're not
allergic to leprosy, are ya?"
They never laugh
'cause they're busy
imagining making a suit
out of my skin.
'Cause they're murderers.
They already put the lotion
in the basket.
-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
I don't even know what type
of massage I'm getting
when I get a massage.
"Do you want a deep tissue,
a shiatsu,
or a Swedish massage?"
I'm like,
"I'll take the blonde."
I don't know.
'Cause men view massages
differently.
A woman gets a massage
her friends are like,
"Good for you."
A guy gets a massage,
"You dirty dog, eh!"
'Cause men sexualize
all human interaction.
"It was a therapeutic massage."
"How therapeutic?"
"Nothing happened."
"Yeah, that's what
we'll tell your wife, huh?"
That's gotta be frustrating
for massage therapists.
That double meaning.
"Did you get a massage
or a massage?"
No other occupation
has to deal with it.
"Did you get a cavity filled
or a cavity filled?"
"How many dentistry references
is he gonna have?"
For me, a massage is just
an hour of awkwardness, right?
She gets done,
she leaves the room,
I put on the robe,
I step outside,
she hands me a glass of water.
I always look at her and go,
"You're never gonna call me.
What a charade."
I did have
one massage therapist,
she told me they're allowed
to turn people down.
I don't know
why she told me that.
[chuckles]
It was after a show.
Can you imagine getting
turned down
by a massage therapist?
That's rough.
"Yeah, you couldn't pay me
to touch you.
Not for all the money
on the planet."
Massages,
that's how some people relax.
Some people relax
in a hot sauna.
And sure,
who doesn't love recreating
the feeling of being trapped
inside an active volcano?
I don't understand
the appeal of a sauna.
Here's every experience
I've had in a sauna.
I'm like, "Okay,
I'm gonna get a sweat going,
it's gonna be
really good for me.
Here we go.
It's time to get out, right?
I don't wanna overdo it."
What is so relaxing
about sitting in a hot box
next to a pile
of smouldering rocks?
I always look at the rocks like,
"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,
they're done.
That's a wrap
on the rock cookin'."
And to make the sauna
more enjoyable,
you're always seated next to
a naked, 80-year-old man.
"Oh, good, I get to sweat
next to someone's grandpa
who's only wearing
a hand towel."
The nudity in the sauna
seems unnecessary.
This isn't Rome.
I just look around
the sauna like, "Wow...
so this is why
we wear clothes, huh?"
So we may eventually eat.
In Finland--In Finland
where they invented the sauna,
they relax in Finland
by drinking vodka in the sauna.
Which might explain why
we've never read
any Finnish literature.
Vodka in the sauna?
Actually, the Fins,
they pronounce it, "Sao-na"
'cause they're wasted.
[slurred speech]
"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'
and drink some 'bodka'?"
Drinking vodka in a sauna?
You know what kind of
ideas you come up with?
An M&M store.
-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
In Finland--In Finland,
I was invited to take a sauna.
I was also invited
to go cross-country skiing
and I could think is,
"Is fun illegal here?"
Like what kind of antidepressant
do you have to be on
to enjoy cross-country skiing?
I can't believe
cross-country skiing's
even a sport.
"Hey, you know that awkward part
in downhill skiing
where you're trying
to get over to the lift?
What if we just did that?
Whoo!
This is fun!
And to turn around--"
"You know what?
Don't turn around.
Let's go across the country."
People who enjoy winter
seem mentally unstable.
Right?
Some of those winter activities
should get you committed.
It's like, "Look, we love you,
we're just worried.
I mean,
yesterday we caught you
walking through the woods
with tennis rackets
tied to your feet.
This morning, we saw you
sweeping the frozen lake.
What's next?
You sitting in a sled
being pulled by dogs?
Get some help."
Oh, I did one of those
genetic tests.
I was surprised to find out
I'm all Asian.
You do learn things
from those genetic tests.
Like I discovered
I wasted 100 bucks.
[laughter]
They send you information.
Mine just said,
"Dude, you're white.
In fact,
you're very white.
I hope you feel guilty."
They didn't even break down
my nationality.
They just highlighted
all the British Isles.
They're like,
"You're trash from here.
Wherever people need sunscreen."
But what do we expect to learn
from these genetic tests?
Like, "Oh, my gosh!
I'm related to my ancestors!"
We're only gonna find out
bad news.
You see it in the commercials.
I thought I was Italian,
but it ends up,
my great-grandma
was a whore.
[laughter]
So I guess
I'm Eastern European.
Sometimes people think
I'm saying
Eastern Europeans
are whores and...
I am.
No.
My point is,
only good family news
is passed along.
Like, if your great-grandfather
was Abraham Lincoln,
you'd already know that,
but if your great-grandfather
was the town drunk,
your grandpa's likely to go,
"Uh, I don't remember.
I think he worked in a bar.
Chief gutter inspector."
I do know I have
some Irish ancestry,
but, apparently, the Irish
didn't keep great records
'cause, well,
draw your own conclusion.
Something tells me
they weren't busy sunbathing.
I'm Irish,
but I have blonde hair.
Supposedly, the only reason
the Irish
have blonde or red hair
is 'cause the Vikings invaded,
pillaged,
and probably other stuff.
Those Vikings,
the Scandinavians,
I don't know if
you've been to Sweden,
it's like a whole country
of Scarlett Johanssons.
If I was in Ireland at that
time, I would've been,
"Oh, no, some Viking ladies
coming to pillage me.
I guess I'll hide on this bed
covered in rose petals.
Hopefully she can help me
put together that table.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
They say last names
can tell you something.
Like if your last name
is Cooper,
that means you probably had
an ancestor who made barrels.
If your last name is Canter,
that means somebody
along the line was a singer.
My last name is Gaffigan,
which is Gaelic
for "highly anxious."
And when I learned that,
all I could feel was...
highly anxious.
I mean...
how anxious do you have to be
for people to go,
"You should go with it
as your name."
"Why's that?"
"That's what
we call you anyway."
It does seem like
some last names
were chosen to impress,
right?
You know, someone's like,
"You know what?
I want the ladies to know
I'm successful,
so I'm gonna go with
the last name, 'Goldman.'
Goldman,
what are you going with?
"Weiner."
I want the ladies to know
I like hotdogs."
But who knows?
Maybe last names mean nothing.
You know,
where I'm from in Indiana,
there is a guy who owns
an RV dealership
and his name is Tom Raper.
That's his name.
And there are billboards.
"Come see Tom Raper."
And people go.
"Well,
we should check it out."
Now I don't know
why we would let someone
named Raper sell RVs.
They are essentially
mobile crime scenes.
If my last name were Raper,
I wouldn't leave the house.
How do you even
go out to dinner?
"Party of two.
Raper.
Is there a Raper here?"
Are there family reunions?
"Are you a Raper?
I'm a Raper.
Is this your son?
He looks just like a Raper.
It's so fun getting
all the Rapers together."
In Milwaukee, I stayed in
a hotel named The Fister.
That was the name.
The Fister.
And--And, obviously, they were
sensitive to it sounding weird,
so they added a P at the front.
So it was The Pfister.
Hey, it worked
for Michelle Pfeiffer.
And that hotel was started
by a man named Guido Pfister
who thought,
"My name's Guido Pfister,
why don't I go
into hospitality?"
Guido Pfister?
His name sounds like
an ethnic slur.
"Get outta here,
you Guido Pfister!
Go pfist somewhere else!"
[laughter]
I don't know if you can tell
by looking at me,
but I'm kinda obsessed with
not being interested in fashion.
It's, uh, something I care
deeply not about.
And I'm aware that
not being into fashion
is a fashion choice, right?
How annoying is that?
It's like,
"Oh, you're not into fashion?
That means
you're an norm core."
Why can't I just wear clothes
to cover my disgusting body?
Why must it be a choice?
'Cause the only choice I make
when it comes to clothing
is
"does it still fit me?"
I don't know
if you've had an opportunity
to fat out of clothes.
That's a special feeling.
There are watershed moments
in your life, right?
When you hold
your newborn child
or you fat out of a T-shirt.
It's amazing 'cause you don't
even go to the obvious
conclusion.
You're like,
"Well, this shirt used to fit.
I haven't grown
since I was a teenager.
Oh! I'm a fatass!
Well, time for a burrito."
The best is when you
pack for a trip
and you fat out of clothes,
but you don't realize
until you get there.
[laughs]
You sit there and you go,
"Well, I guess I can wear that
as long as I don't
breathe out...
or sit down."
You ever wear a shirt
you can't sit down in?
"Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna stand.
I know it's Thanksgiving.
I'm more thankful standing.
Better angle for carving."
I still have all the clothes
that don't fit me.
They're in my closet
in case I have a dramatic
weight loss over a weekend.
It's ridiculous.
It's like I'm curating
an exhibit of my weight gain.
"Well, that suit
was from 30 pounds ago
and that sweater was from
last winter
and this shirt--
this shirt never fit."
Have you done that?
Have you bought clothes
that don't fit
thinking that'll be
the incentive to lose weight?
It's like,
"Well, I've only gained weight
for the last 40 years,
maybe this shirt'll
turn it around."
"How'd you lose weight?"
"I bought a shirt.
It worked."
No, fashion's kind of wasted
on me.
You know, like,
those fashion shows.
To me, fashion shows
just look like skinny tennagers
walking around
in their parent's clothes
looking for food.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
"Ma,
there's no food out there.
All right, I'll change
my outfit and look again."
Fashion shows are rather absurd
when you consider
they're just people
sitting around watching people
walk around in clothes.
Which is what people do
in clothes everyday.
But at fashion shows,
they're so fascinated.
They're like,
"Oh, my gosh.
Ooh, wow, look at that person
walk in clothes.
How do they do it?
If only we could watch them
do laundry."
And we all know
what a fashion show is
'cause we've seen it
on TV.
In December they televise
the Victoria's Secret
Fashion Show--
which is excellent,
by the way.
Well, that one's different
'cause there's angels.
So there's a spiritual aspect...
to the thongs their peddling.
It's interesting.
All the models are beautiful.
You ever notice that?
You're like, "Yeah, Jim,
that's the point."
No, but all the models--
They pick people that would look
good in any clothing.
Like, if you want me
to buy a suit,
show me Michael Moore
looking good in it.
And I'm not picking
on Michael Moore.
I'm friends with him.
I like Michael Moore.
And not just 'cause he proves
you don't need to shower
to be famous.
You ever see Michael Moore
on television?
He looks like he's been robbed
of everything he owns.
"Are you the victim
of a shipwreck?
What happened?!
Pull it together!
You won an Academy Award!
Stop shopping
at the lost and found!"
But I understand
Michael Moore's mentality.
Fashion's not gonna
change his life.
It's not gonna change my life.
I look the same whether I'm
wearing a T-shirt or a tux.
I still look like someone
who eats fast food.
Probably 'cause I do
eat fast food.
I look the way I look.
Look, I didn't vote for Trump,
but I walked around
New York City and everyone
the week after the election
looked at me like,
"You did it!
You did it!"
And I was like,
"I didn't do it!"
But after a couple days
I was like, "Did I do it?"
I know people are scared
about Trump being president,
but I can tell you,
as a straight, white male,
-I feel like I'll be okay.
-[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
My wife hates that joke
and I love her,
but not enough
to get rid of that joke.
I would do anything for my wife
I'm aware of that.
But there are people
that are more romantic.
Prince Edward abdicated
his right to the English throne
for the woman he loved.
Isn't that unbelievable?
He was forced to choose between
the woman he loved
or being King of England,
and that idiot...
chose the broad.
Now I'm sure in that moment
it was the right decision
and I'm happily married,
but even in
the best relationship,
each person has thoughts
where they go,
"I've made an enormous mistake."
But we never thought,
"I could've been
King of England."
Do you think Prince Edward
really ever got over that?
Every time he had
to empty the trash,
he was like,
"A King of England doesn't have
to empty the trash!
The King of England can chat
with his ex on Facebook!"
Can you imagine
what kind of news event
that abdication was
in the U.K.?
There must've been,
"He's gone mad.
We should get him
to hospital."
"Jim, your British accent
is getting worse.
Why wouldn't you take
five minutes
and learn a good accent?
It's just lazy.
It's just lazy."
My wife's pretty amazing.
She is better at things
and I'm not ashamed to say that.
Like, her guilt trip,
legendary.
My wife is half Catholic,
half Jewish,
so her guilt trip is like
a superpower.
I walk in a room,
she looks at me,
and I feel horrible.
And that's called love.
We've been together so long
I will get angry
about a guilt trip
she hasn't even given me yet.
I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch
the football game."
She's like, "Okay."
And I'm like,
"'Cause I want to!"
I'm always in trouble
with my wife
'cause I'm selfish,
I'm lazy, insensitive,
and a bunch of other stuff.
She rattles on.
And I understand being
in trouble for stuff I've done,
but sometimes I get in trouble
for stuff other men have done.
Once I got in trouble for
something a guy did in a movie.
I was watching a movie
with my wife
and in the movie there was
this married guy with children
who left his family
for a 20-year-old woman
and I knew in that moment
I should sleep on the couch.
[laughter]
And the movie ended
and my wife looked at me
and she was like,
"Why would someone do that?"
And I was like,
"Uh, it--it was in the script?"
I didn't say that.
I just said,
"Where do you want me to sleep?"
I hope it doesn't sound
like I'm picking on her
'cause I'm grateful to have her
in my life.
It's nice to have a partner.
Someone looking out for you,
you look out for them.
Like I did two weeks of shows
out of town in December
and when I came home,
my wife informed me that she
made me an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
If you're unfamiliar,
that's the doctor
that sticks the camera
up your butt.
I mean,
they do other things,
but that's what
they're famous for.
That's probably how they
attract people to the field.
"You like photography?"
[laughter]
"Then I got a job
that you're gonna love!"
I didn't ask my wife
to set up this appointment.
I wasn't sick.
I didn't have any symptoms.
She just did it 'cause
she was looking out for me.
So she casually brought it up.
She goes, "Just so you know,
I made you an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
And I said, "Just so you know,
I won't be going."
She's like,
"Why wouldn't you go?
It's just a consultation."
I said,
"Well, it's the principle.
I'm an adult.
I make my own decisions.
Thank you."
Anyway, so I'm at
the gastroenterologist...
[laughter]
The doctor starts to describe
the procedure
and I said, "Look,
I should probably let you know,
I don't really enjoy
getting my picture taken.
I would be open
to an ultrasound,
I think a lot of men
are curious what the jelly
on the belly feels like."
Anyway, the doctor,
he didn't think it was funny.
[chuckles] And I knew it was
precautionary, so I agreed.
So he went over
to his computer and he goes,
"All right,
my next available appointment
is in three months."
I was like, "Three months?!"
This was in December.
I didn't know if I wanted
this procedure
hanging over my head
during the holidays.
"Jim, you want
another piece of pie?"
"No, I'm getting
a camera up my butt.
I don't want some
team of doctors to be like,
'Wow, this guy loves pie.
Barry, get out here.
He's got half a pie up there.'"
I didn't know what could delay
this important procedure,
but part of me
didn't want to find out.
I didn't want the doctor
to be like,
"Well, the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera.
That takes forever.
Turnover in that position
is insane, you know?
People do it once
and they're like,
'You know what?
I'm going back on food stamps.'"
Then I was thinking,
maybe it's the doctor.
Maybe he's like, "Dude,
I can only do this procedure
once a month.
Then I gotta take a week off,
sit on the beach,
and ask myself
'Why keep sticking cameras
up people's butts?'
I could've been a dentist."
"Again with
the dental reference."
But in February
I had the procedure
and I think every man in here
should get a colonoscopy
because I had to.
It's not an easy decision
'cause the best news
you can find out from getting
a camera stuck up your butt
is learning you didn't need
to have a camera
stuck up your butt.
That's the best news.
"Yeah, we didn't need
to do that.
We can just chalk that up,
one for fun."
And the day before
the procedure,
you can't eat anything.
And I'm a total pig,
so it was terrifying.
but after I was awake
for five hours
and I hadn't eaten anything,
I wasn't hungry.
I was suicidal.
I was so bored.
I was like, "What am I
supposed to sit here
and feel feelings?"
And then at noon
and at 6:00 p.m.
you have to drink this serum
that I believe is made by
a collaboration
of ex-lax and Taco Bell.
Printed on the side of the serum
it should've just said,
"Drink this in the bathroom.
Might wanna grab a pillow
and a book."
'Cause I tell ya,
I've had diarrhea before...
This is the point where everyone
acts like
they've never had diarrhea.
"I don't even know what
Jim's talking about. Do you?"
Yeah, I'm the only one
who's had diarrhea...
in a hotel hot tub.
Okay.
[laughter]
Like we're at the same hotel.
No, I've had diarrhea.
I don't wanna brag.
No, I've had diarrhea,
but calling what this serum did
to my body "diarrhea" is
an insult to the word diarrhea.
My body made noises
I didn't know existed.
At one point I thought
I stepped on a puppy.
[laughter]
I was
in the bathroom for hours.
For hours.
Checking email--
ignoring phone calls
'cause serum or not,
you can't answer the phone
in the bathroom
'cause you can't hide the fact
you're in the bathroom
'cause there's an echo.
"Are you in a well?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm down here
in a well.
No kids in this well!
Making sure no kids
fell in."
But I kept getting this call
from the doctor's office
and I thought there might be
important information
like someone saying,
"Do not drink the serum!"
So I answered it
and it was just someone
confirming the appointment
and I don't know how
someone's supposed to sound
when they confirm a colonoscopy,
but this person
was really casual.
They're like,
"Hey, how are you?
So, we're gonna
see you tomorrow?"
I'm like, "What?
Are we having brunch?
I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt."
She gave me the address.
The next morning I went there.
It wasn't at a hospital
or a clinic,
it was at some building.
Just picture where you imagine
the Black Market
would harvest human organs.
"What am I doing here?"
And I took an elevator
to the basement.
There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms
with shower curtains.
And I was let into one.
There was all this talking--
You know when you're nervous
and you think you hear things?
I thought I heard someone go,
"I can't believe he's here.
I want his kidney."
And I was terrified.
And then eventually
an anesthesiologist walked in,
he gave me a shot
and he goes,
"Just wanna go through
what's gonna happen.
Right now I'm giving you
some medicine
which will knock you out
and when you wake up,
you won't remember anything.
You okay with that?"
And against every instinct
in my body, I just went,
"Okay."
And the last memory I had
is just watching
the anesthesiologist leave
the room as I heard someone go,
"I want his spleen."
And I woke up
and I was fine.
I mean, I'm pregnant,
but I'm fine.
I'm not pregnant.
My wife?
I haven't talked to her
in an hour.
You know, and--
but we got five kids
and that seems like a lot.
And, frankly,
it's too many.
It's--It is a lot,
but what am I gonna do now?
It's not like they come
with free return shipping.
I love--I love having
five kids.
I travel with them 'cause
I don't wanna be away from 'em
and also I enjoy the look
on waitstaff's faces
when I walk in
with my family.
'Cause my kids are five, six,
eight, eleven, and thirteen.
And we walked
into a restaurant in Dallas
and I saw a waitress look at me
and my family
and quit her job.
I mean, she could've been
getting off her shift,
I just saw her look at us
and throw down her apron
and storm off.
And I felt like we won.
But I like being a dad,
you know?
It's--I try to do one-on-one
time with each of my kids,
but it's hard 'cause I travel
and there's a lot of 'em.
So sometimes that special
Daddy and Me time
is just doing something
mundane like going with me
to the Post Office.
It's like, "That's right,
buddy, just you and me
going to find out why we got
this damn slip on our door.
Stick that in the memory bank."
"My dad,
always making time for me.
Squeezing me into errands.
I remember walking
to the Post Office and listening
to him bitch and moan
about the Federal Government.
What a guy."
I try to be a good dad.
I got my kids a dog.
-I rescued a dog.
-[cheers]
-Thank you. Thank you.
-[cheers and applause]
Well, it's not like
the dog was drowning.
The dog wasn't a victim
of sex trafficking.
I just went in a building,
gave a guy money,
and got a dog.
That's how I rescued it.
After that I rescued a pizza.
I actually--I had to wait
to rescue the dog
'cause the dog was in Jamaica.
I don't know if it was
on vacation.
But I rescued a dog
from paradise
so it could live in my crowded
New York City apartment.
Sometimes I put the leash on
the dog and it looks at me like,
"I used to run on the beach...
And now I sleep in a cage.
My only hope is that one day
you'll get rescued."
But "rescue" is the language
of today, right?
We mean adoption.
Now, people don't even say
they own dogs.
Now people say
they're a dog parent,
but I feel like dogs
are different from kids.
Like, you never hear a parent
say, "You know, my son had
some behavior problems,
so we gave him to a friend
who had a farm upstate.
You know,
that way he could run around
and we'll visit him
on weekends."
"Jim, you're a monster."
I'm no saint, but nobody is.
Nobody even goes
for saint today, right?
There's no saints.
Nobody's like,
"You know what I'm thinking
of, uh, I'm either gonna go
graphic design or saint."
Nobody goes for it
'cause, well, there are--
there are Latter Day Saints.
There's Mormons.
I love the Mormons.
I don't know
what Latter Day means.
Maybe that means they're,
like, devient till 3:00 p.m.
They're like,
"Well, kids are coming home,
let's get out of these
S&M outfits, honey.
Back in khakis."
I'm talking about
the traditional Catholic
sense of a--of a saint.
Nobody goes for saint anymore
'cause it's too hard.
To be considered
a Catholic Saint
you have to perform
two miracles.
I don't know why it's two.
It's not like half of us
would be like,
"You know, if it was one
I'd go for it.
Yeah, 'cause I can do
that thing with my elbow."
It's not like one miracle's
not impressive.
You're never in a job interview,
"Let's see here,
special skills, walk on water,
Microsoft Word.
Tell me about
the Microsoft Word."
Actually,
where I live in New York City
is where
the soon to be first
African-American Saint
is buried.
His name was Pierre Toussaint
and he was a hairdresser.
I didn't even know you could be
a hairdresser and a saint,
but he, apparently,
got done cutting people's hair
and they were like,
"This is a miracle."
And he was a great man.
And he'll--he'll be a saint.
He'll probably be the
Patron Saint of Hairdressers.
You know, 'cause saints,
they're in charge of things.
Like, "You're in charge
of hairdressers,
you're in charge
of lost objects,
St. Patrick,
you're in charge of Ireland."
St. Patrick,
Patron Saint of Ireland.
Every March 17th we honor
St. Patrick by getting wasted.
-[cheers and applause]
-Right?
But we don't know.
We don't know.
St. Patrick could be
up in heaven going,
"I didn't even drink.
What are these people doing?
I like the color blue.
I made that very clear.
Can someone remind God
I'm from Italy?
I don't wanna
rock the boat here,
but these Irish
are degenerates."
'Cause they don't
get to choose
what they're
the Patron Saint of, right?
Like St. Bonaventure?
Patron Saint of bowel issues.
I'm not making that up.
Bowel issues.
Talk about a promotion
you don't want.
Bonaventure's in heaven,
St. Peter comes and goes,
"Bonaventure, you're a saint."
Bonaventure's like, "Yes!
Yes! Am I
the Patron Saint of Scholars?"
"Not scholars."
"Wha--What am I
the Patron Saint of?"
"Bowel issues."
"Bowel issues?"
"Yeah, you know when someone's
getting a colonoscopy
or say they're sitting
on the toilet with I.B.S.
or explosive diarrhea
praying to God.
Well, we don't want them
praying directly to God.
So...you would be
like a conduit.
That way God's not talking to
someone who's doing number two."
"Uh, okay."
'Course I'm talking about
Catholic Saints
'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm not a good Catholic.
Like, if there was a test
for Catholics,
I would fail.
But, then again,
most Catholics would fail.
Which is probably why
there's not a test.
But since I'm Catholic
and I'm a comedian,
I was asked to open for the Pope
when he visited America.
And before you're impressed,
it didn't go well.
Like, I opened for the Pope, but
the Pope wasn't sitting there
like, "Ha ha ha ha."
I don't know
how the Pope laughs.
Hopefully not like
Jabba the Hutt.
But I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then the popemobile
drove into this
outdoor amphitheatre space.
I opened for an automobile.
And that's not even the first
time I've opened for a car.
I had to cut my honeymoon short
so that I could perform
at the Iowa State Fair
where I opened
for Kyle Busch's NASCAR.
Kyle Busch wasn't there,
just his car.
I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then some stagehands
pushed his number 18
on the stage
and audience members came up
and got pictures with the car.
The car did better.
But I did open for
the popemobile in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia,
The City of Brotherly Love
and if you've been there,
you know they mean that
sarcastically.
I love Philly,
but saying Philadelphia's
The City of Brotherly Love
is a little bit like saying
"Syria, a place for peace."
But I love Philly.
You know,
I love the whole Northeast.
I'm from the Midwest,
but I choose to live
in the Northeast
because I love the energy
and I love the fact that
everyone in the Northeast
is angry for absolutely
no reason at all.
-[cheers and applause]
-Furious!
From Philadelphia to Boston,
pissed off.
Right?
That whole Acela Line.
I call it the Corridor of Hate.
But that is why
we are the United States.
Think of those initial
13 colonies.
Like, in Virginia,
those guys--
Like Jefferson and Madison,
those guys were like
the philosophers.
Like, "We're born with these
inalienable rights.
We should have representation."
But it was the people
in the Northeast and Boston
they were like,
[Boston accent] "Screw it.
Dump all the tea in the harbor.
Those English are dicks.
They don't say 'the'
before hospital." You know?
Don't you wish you were there
when the Bostonians explained
to the Virginians,
"Yeah, we listened to all that
stuff you said, so we started
a war with England.
The greatest superpower
on the planet."
The Virginians were like,
"Wha?!
We were talking hypothetically."
Even Patrick Henry was like,
"When I said 'Give me liberty
or give me death,'
I didn't mean actual death.
I was talking like
death by chocolate death."
But so I was in Philadelphia
for the event,
at the soundcheck
and they had constructed
this huge amphitheater
next to the Ben Franklin Parkway
which is a highway
and the amphitheater was empty.
And I was up there
doing the soundcheck
and I looked on the highway
and it was already filled
with a million people.
And I looked at those people
and I thought, "Wow,
a million people that don't want
to see me do stand-up comedy."
'Cause they were all there
to see the Pope
and not one of those
million people was thinking,
"I hope the Pope has a comedian
open for him."
But I shouldn't have
been surprised.
In the weeks leading up
to the event,
there were all these interviews.
They're like,
"You're opening for the Pope.
There's gonna be millions
of people there.
Are you nervous?
Are you gonna prepare?"
And I'm like,
"I'm definitely nervous.
I'm definitely gonna prepare."
Anyway, I didn't prepare.
So I was onstage
at the soundcheck,
looking at those million people
and I thought,
"I gotta come up
with some Philadelphia jokes."
But what do I know
about Philadelphia?
I know cheesesteaks,
Liberty Bell,
and I had just watched
this ESPN 30 For 30 documentary
about Eagles fans in 1968
throwing snowballs
at someone dressed like
Santa Claus.
That's all I knew.
So I went off and I tried
to think of some
Philadelphia jokes.
Before you knew it,
the event started
and I was introduced
and I walked out
and the amphitheatre
was still empty.
'Cause, you know,
the Pope wasn't there
and it was a Catholic event,
so everyone was at the bar.
So I was like, "All right,
I guess I'm just gonna do
my show for no one."
So I go, "It's good to be here
in Philadelphia."
and I heard this roar behind me.
[mimics crowd screaming]
And it was all the people
on the highway.
And I was like, "All right,
I'll play to them."
I was like,
"Philadelphia loves the Pope."
[mimics crowd screaming]
And I was like,
"Not that I was worried,
but you guys
weren't that nice to Santa."
-Nothing.
-[laughter]
Silence.
And then I heard something
that sounded like booing
'cause it was booing.
It wasn't everyone.
It was like 10%.
So, 100,000 people...
booing my Santa joke
before they saw
their religious leader
who was gonna talk to them
about mercy.
So I did what anyone would do
when they're being booed,
I acted like
I wasn't being booed.
I did some jokes about
being lazy and food
and I kinda got the crowd back.
And I got off stage,
disaster averted.
And I pulled out my phone
and I started checking Twitter
and I saw the most angry,
hateful tweets I've ever seen.
"How dare you bring up
the Santa incident!
Never come back to Philly.
I wish I could punch you.
Bringing up the Santa incident
in Philly is like
bringing up the Holocaust
in Germany."
That was an actual tweet.
Of course, the difference being
that the Holocaust happened
and Santa has never existed.
[laughter]
At that moment there was
a tap on my shoulder
and it was one of the organizers
and they're like,
"Do you wanna meet the Pope?"
And I was like, "I'm good."
I was like, "Yeah, of course
I'd love to meet the Pope."
So I was put in this room with
some of the other performers
and we were lined up
and the Pope came in.
And they started greeting people
and I noticed
people that the Pope
was meeting,
they were saying something
to the Pope.
and I didn't know
what I was gonna say
to the Pope
and before you knew it,
the Pope was right in front
of me and I just said,
"Don't bring up
the Santa incident."
[cheers and applause]
And the Pope,
he didn't say anything.
He just gave me a look of like,
"Dude, I would never do that.
This is Philadelphia.
They'd crucify me."
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
I will see you soon.
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music playing]
BOY:
That's Mom and Dad.
BOY:
That's Mom and Dad.
[hip-hop music]
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Gaffigan!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh,
you make me feel
only 20 pounds overweight.
"Oh, look at his beard.
He's--
He's got quite a beard.
He looks like an out of shape
Civil War general."
My dearest Peggy...
it has been a fortnight
since I have had a salad.
I love my beard.
You grow a beard
and strangers are fascinated.
I have strangers
coming up to me,
"Hey, why'd you grow
your beard out?"
"I joined Al-Qaeda."
"Don't even joke around
about that."
But you can ask
about facial hair, right?
You can't be like,
"Hey, how long you had
the man boobs?
Are they natural?"
Now you're looking
at my man boobs.
To me
they're beautiful.
When do I get a Dove commercial?
I'm talking about
the Dove ice cream bar
which barely cleans your body
and is less racist.
Thank you for coming out.
It is great to be here.
Thank you so much.
It is...
It's been a crazy year for me.
Crazy year.
I don't know if you know,
in April it was discovered
my wife had a brain tumor.
I'm not even making this up.
It was removed.
She's great.
-Everything's good. Thank you.
-[cheers and applause]
I didn't remove it.
I was in the other room
soiling myself, but...
the tumor is gone
along with my ability
to ever win another argument.
It's not like I was winning
a lot before,
but now I'm retired.
And luckily my wife's
not the type to bring it up.
Well, once she did.
She was like, "You know,
I did have brain surgery."
And I couldn't be like,
"Yeah, that was like
a month ago.
It's time to move on,
you know?
What about my
seasonal allergies?
We all have our cross to bear."
It was crazy.
You know,
the surgeon told me the tumor
was the size of a pear--
which is scary,
but also confusing.
I was like,
"Did he go to med school
or a farmer's market?"
But tumors are often compared
to fruit.
A pear, a lemon,
a grapefruit.
Interesting fact,
worst tumor, grapefruit.
Worst fruit, grapefruit.
When you think about it,
a grapefruit looks more
like a tumor
than a fruit.
I must feel sorry
for grapefruit.
"Yeah, we can't win,
you know?
We're already the worst fruit,
now we're compared
to the worst tumor?
Well, at least we help
old people poop."
That is the worst impression
of a grapefruit ever.
It's kind of unfortunate
that there's another fruit
that's much smaller
named "grape"
'cause you know there's
situations in doctor's offices,
"We found a tumor,
it's the size of a grape--"
"Thank God."
"I didn't finish...
Grapefruit."
"Oh, that's--
that's very different."
It was strange.
You know, when the doctor
told me the tumor
was the size of a pear,
I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors
are bad at analogies."
But I quickly realized
they're just dumbing it down
for idiots like me.
Like the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
"Well, this guy's not gonna
understand centimeters.
I don't even wanna try
and explain circumference.
Based on appearance,
he doesn't eat fruit, but...
he's probably seen a pear...
when he's at the grocery store
buying ice cream."
I don't know why the surgeon
sounds like Andy Rooney.
[as Andy Rooney]
You ever notice tumors
look like fruit?
[normal voice] By the way,
if you don't know
who Andy Rooney is,
you're a child.
And if you do know
who Andy Rooney is,
you should probably eat
more grapefruit.
Tumors compared to fruit.
They're--
They're sometimes
compared to balls
like a golf ball
or a softball,
but the surgeon looked at me
and thought,
"I'm gonna stick with food.
I got a better shot
at this fat ass understanding."
I joke around,
but it was scary.
We have five children
and there were moments
when I was like,
"Oh, my gosh, if anything
happens to my wife,
those five kids
are gonna be put up
for adoption.
Some of these jokes
are just for the fathers.
My wife
was so amazingly strong
and brave during
this whole experience.
For three months after
the surgery
she couldn't eat solid foods
and her friends would send us
the most delicious food.
She couldn't eat.
So I found myself
hiding the food
and secretly eating it.
"This is like a whole new
eating disorder for me.
Am I supposed to feel shame
'cause I'm helping my wife!
Really I'm a hero."
She mostly ate Jell-O.
Jell-O.
You know what
they make Jell-O out of?
Bones and hooves.
I always thought
that was an urban legend.
Bones and hooves.
What kind of mad man...
"Let me have
the bones and hooves,
I've got an idea
for a kid's dessert.
It'll be huge.
We'll get Cosby
to do the commercials.
Everyone trusts him.
Anyone using the eyeballs?
I can make an abacus.
I've got tons of ideas."
They say laughter
is the best medicine--and it is,
after you've received
real medicine...
from a real medical
professional.
Prior to that,
you don't want any laughter.
You don't want a doctor
giggling during an exam.
[laughing] "Oh, my gosh,
this is your body?
Wow, nice man boobs."
My wife had the surgery
in New York City
at a hospital named
Mount Sinai.
I've noticed that
a lot of hospitals in the U.S.
are either named after Saints
or ancient places in Israel
which is not that reassuring
when you think about it.
It's like, "Hi,
welcome to our hospital.
We're all about science
which is why our building
is named after the place
God talked to Moses
as a burning bush.
Over here's our
Casper the Ghost wing...
next to our Astrology Center.
Do you like UFOs?
We love those.
We're all about science."
Spent two weeks
in the hospital.
People what work in hospitals
are truly amazing people.
-[cheering]
-They are.
So nice and supportive.
It makes you suspicious,
right?
Are they stealing the drugs?
They're a little too excited
to be around
sick people in pajamas.
And when I say "sick,"
I'm not talking about
the positive slang, right?
'Cause that's--that's part
of our language, right?
"That jacket is sick!"
But you don't want
a medical professional
to be like,
"Your test results are sick!
I mean, let me clarify,
you're dying."
It's got to be hard
to work in a hospital.
That hospital lighting.
Everyone looks sick
in that hospital lighting.
I walked in, they're like,
"We should get you to the ER."
"I'm just here
to see my wife."
"Well, you have jaundice.
See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!
I have jaundice, too!
We all have jaundice!"
When my wife would nap,
I would go to the cafeteria.
Hospitals have the most
cutting-edge medical equipment,
but they're still serving food
like it's Shawshank Redemption.
How about selling an MRI machine
and getting a pasta station?
"Jim, you're a monster."
There's different sections
in hospitals.
There's the Emergency Room,
the Intensive Care Unit.
Which sound scary,
but I don't know why anyone
would want to stay anywhere
but the Intensive Care Unit.
It kind of implies
the rest of the hospital's like,
"Look, we care, but we're not
gonna be a spaz about it."
"I get a phone call,
I'm gonna take it, right?
We're like
the Mediocre Care Unit.
Which is better than
We Couldn't Care Less Unit.
Those guys are horrible."
It's wild.
My wife was in surgery
for ten hours.
and before the surgery,
the surgeon told me, he goes,
"Half way through I'll probably
stop and get lunch."
I don't need to know that.
Why even tell me that?
Was he afraid I was gonna
run into him in the cafeteria?
"What are you doing here?!"
"I get these cravings.
Those Snickers commercials
are true."
But he was
a great brain surgeon.
We learned later on
that he's like the best.
I don't know how they determine
the best brain surgeon.
You know,
maybe there's a competition.
America's Got Tumors.
Heidi Klum
thought he was the best.
The best brain surgeon.
Isn't it enough that someone's
a brain surgeon?
None of us could even
get in Med School.
A brain surgeon goes
to medical school,
afterwards,
specializes in neurology,
after that, specializes
in surgery of the brain,
and we're like,
"Yeah, but are they any good?"
"Yeah,
they're a brain surgeon!"
You know what they do
with the bad brain surgeons?
They don't let them
become brain surgeons.
Can you imagine the pressure
on a brain surgeon?
At no point during their workday
can they say,
"Hey,
it ain't brain surgery."
'Cause it's always
brain surgery!
Every day!
"What'd you do at work, honey?"
"Brain surgery!"
"That's fun.
You want some fruit?"
"Never!"
My wife had a--she had
an amazing team of doctors.
She had the brain surgeons.
She also had
an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
Ear, nose, and throat.
That kinda sound like
they didn't make the cut
for brain surgeon.
"I wanna be a brain surgeon."
"You know what?
Let's stick with
the ears, nose, and throat.
You'd be better with the things
surrounding the brain."
"Can I have the eyes?"
"You know what?
Let's stick with the ears,
nose, and throat.
We promised the eyes
to the nerd at LensCrafters."
"Why pick an Optometrist?"
Those ear, nose,
and throat doctors,
they must look at dentists
and think,
"Just teeth?
That's it?
What about the tongue?"
"Not the tongue,
just the teeth."
"You just work on teeth?
Surgery on teeth?"
"Oh, I don't do the surgery.
That's the orthodontist.
I mostly scrape stuff
off of teeth...
while I listen to '80s music.
I love Debbie Gibson."
When you think about it,
dentist,
they don't do the surgery,
they don't even clean the teeth.
They're like, "You guys do
everything and then I'll come in
and jab 'em with
a sharp object...
while I listen to Debbie."
I did figure out what type
of doctor I would want to be,
which is an anesthesiologist.
'Cause just once I'd like to
walk in a room and go,
"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.
I'm gonna give you some drugs
so you can't talk or move...
and one of these strangers
is gonna cut you open.
Good luck."
What draws
someone to anesthesiology?
It's like, "I like medicine,
but I really enjoy
getting people high.
If I could combine the two.
I also prefer
to sit during surgery."
You ever see the
anesthesiologist during surgery?
They're always sitting
there like...
"I don't even know why
I have to be here.
Yeah, they're still alive.
Anyone got the WiFi password?"
But I have a newfound respect
for doctors.
I do.
'Cause when you think about it,
unless we're sick,
we listen to
absolutely nothing
doctors tell us.
They're like,
"You should lose weight."
"Never gonna happen.
What else you got?"
"You should exercise."
"Does eating
French fries count?"
"Get out of my office."
I don't even listen when
I bring my kids to the doctor.
The doctor's like,
"To avoid an infection..."
I'm like, "De de de de de de de
de de de de de de de de de."
My wife's like,
"What'd the doctor say?"
"Don't pick the scab.
I don't listen to nerds!"
That was the only time
I would ever see a doctor.
Is when I bring my kids in.
Sometimes I'd try and horn in
on a pediatric appointment.
The doctor'd be like,
"How's little Mikey doing?"
"Mikey's good.
He's good.
He's a little worried about this
mole I have on my arm.
Yeah, I explained to Mikey
that I've always had the mole,
but Mikey thinks it might've
changed colors."
"Jim, would you like
to make an appointment?"
"No, it's Mikey.
He just needs a thumbs up
or a thumbs down on the mole.
I know Mikey doesn't want to
play the Hippocratic Oath card,
but you have to tell us,
don't you?"
I'm mostly healthy.
I, uh, worked out today.
I know I don't need to.
When I'm home in New York City,
I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.
And I realize when people hear
"the Chinatown YMCA"
they think, "Oh, that's not like
a serious place to workout."
And it's not.
It's not at all.
It's mostly little kids
learning how to swim
and really old, Chinese people
with their parents.
I didn't even know
you could live to that age.
But I tell you, watching
a 90 year old on an elliptical,
really inspires me
to die in my 70s.
It looks like a machine
is eating someone's grandma.
But I love my Y, you know?
It's--It's different
from a normal health club.
There's never moments
when you think,
"Oh, my gosh, look at how much
weight that guy's lifting."
It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,
that guy's smoking...
on a treadmill
in dress pants."
It's very business-casual.
Sure my Y doesn't have
some of the amenities,
but it also doesn't have the
normal health club distractions.
I don't have to deal
with loud music
or people that are in shape.
I walk around my Y
and I'm like, "You know what?
I'm doing okay.
Maybe I should teach a class.
Hi, welcome
to advanced elliptical.
Doesn't matter if you don't
have workout clothes on,
we're not gonna be raising
our heart rate.
So let's step on,
pick a show,
and think about
what we're gonna eat.
Okay,
who's having a burger, huh?
Let's practice eating fries."
I'm ignored at my Y.
I'm ignored at all health clubs.
Like, when I walk
into a fitness area,
even in a hotel,
people always look at me like,
"I didn't know
they serve food here."
The only people that approach me
are personal trainers.
They're like, "You looking for
a personal trainer?"
"Uh, no."
"You should be."
So I've gotten to the point,
if I'm approached by
a personal trainer, I just
act like they're hitting on me.
They're like,
"Hey, how you doing?"
"I'm married."
"Uh, I don't think you unders--"
"I understand perfectly!
You wanna get with me...
but I'm taken, so you can look,
but no touchie."
I got to do some
international shows this year.
I performed in Japan
for the first time
-which was amazing.
-[cheers and applause]
I mean, I wasn't in Japan
just for stand-up,
I was also modeling.
I wish that wasn't that funny.
But Japan--
The Japanese are just--
they're--they're better
at being human.
Can we admit that?
They're--
You know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
The Japanese toilet.
Are you familiar
with the Japanese toilet?
The Japanese took the most
disgusting experience
of human existence
and fixed it.
The Japanese toilet
washes you, dries you,
does your taxes...
and that is in
a Tokyo airport bathroom.
You leave a Japanese
public restroom
cleaner than
when you walked in.
You leave an American
public restroom with PTSD.
Your only thought is, "How can I
forget that experience?
Is there alcohol nearby?"
The entire time I was in Japan
I felt overweight.
Probably
'cause I am overweight,
but generally the Japanese
are thin.
I mean, there are people
that are overweight in Japan,
but not like in America.
We're better at not being thin.
'Cause if you get
really fat in Japan,
they make you Sumo wrestle.
They make their fat people
fight each other...
To entertain the thin people!
And the fat people in Japan
go along with it!
"Why am I doing this?"
"It's prestigious.
Now you try and push that other
fat ass out of the circle
while we try not to giggle...
[giggles]
But first,
throw on this giant diaper
and put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified."
The Japanese are quiet
and polite.
They're like the opposite
of my children.
I had my kids with me and they
were always making loud noises.
Occasionally, I would catch
a Japanese person looking at
my poorly behaved kids
and then they would look at me
and I'd always say
the same thing,
"We're Canadian."
Of course,
we're not Canadian, but...
that is what
some Americans do
when they travel
internationally.
They tell people
they're Canadian.
Which I think is cowardly.
That's why I always
tell people I'm North Korean.
Then I get the respect
I deserve!
How much attention
does the country
of North Korea
need at this point?
Every two days
North Korea's like,
"We're gonna blow up
the world!"
Isn't there a party that's like,
"Then just do it.
Get it over with,
you spaz."
"Jim, don't even joke around
about that.
What if someone from
North Korea was in the audience?
They have a missile program."
It's kinda fun tracking
the North Korean
missile program, right?
They're like, "North Korea
has missiles
that can reach Alaska."
"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!
Well, I don't know anyone
that lives in Alaska."
"North Korea has missiles
that can reach the West Coast."
"Oh, my gosh,
the West Coast?
Well, I don't go there
that often."
"North Korea has missles
that can reach the East Coast."
"Whoa! We gotta do something
about this!
Now we're talking about
real people!"
-[cheers and applause]
-Oh, thank you.
I did some shows in China.
All in Chinese.
I picked it up at the Y.
It's not that hard.
It wasn't that complicated.
You visit some places
and you think, "All right,
there's a language barrier,
but I can get by."
In China I was like, "Oh,
if I got lost I would die here."
I wouldn't last a half a day.
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm a ghost anyway.
The Chinese were very nice.
They were fascinated
with my pale,
blonde children.
Many of them wanted pictures
with my kids.
They didn't really ask.
They just grabbed a kid.
"Can I have a picture
with this one?"
"I guess you're gonna."
And when they were done
with the picture,
they would rub
my blonde kid's head 'cause
you know, they're my kids,
but they're also lucky objects.
And after this happened
a couple times I was like,
"Hey!
We should charge, right?"
China was fascinating
and exhausting.
I brought my kids
to The Great Wall,
we saw the Terracotta Warriors,
we walked through
the Forbidden City,
we rode in a ricksha,
and when we were leaving
I asked my five year old,
I said, "What was your favorite
part of China?"
And he said,
"I liked that time we saw
the truck with the pigs on it."
'Cause at one point,
we were stuck in traffic
and this truck pulled up
and it had pigs in cages.
And that was
his favorite part.
After the 15 hour flight.
And I remember when that truck
pulled up
'cause I remember looking
at those pigs
and feeling sorry for them,
but those pigs looked happy.
It was almost like the pigs
were looking at me
and my five screaming kids
and going,
"Well,
at least we're not that slob."
I do enjoy travelling
to other countries.
Seeing how different,
but essentially similar
we all are.
Like the U.K. is not
that different from the U.S..
You know, if anything,
you go over there and it seems
like British people are trying
to be different from Americans.
They're like, [British accent]
"Oh, you drive on the right side
of the road?
Then--then we're gonna drive
on the left side of the road.
Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?
Then we're gonna call ours...
'mum'.
Oh, you call that a cookie?
Then we're not going
to the dentist."
[normal voice]
You know that's true.
[cheers and applause]
I did notice something
when I was over there.
You know, British people,
they don't say
"the" before "hospital."
You ever notice that?
They're like, [British accent]
"Hospital?
I was feeling knackered
so I went to hospital."
[normal voice] Whenever they
would do that, I'd say,
"Stop that.
That's wrong and weird.
Are you trying to sound
like a polite caveman?
And I had a friend from London,
he was like,
[British accent] "What makes you
think you're doing it properly?"
[normal voice] And I go,
"'Cause I'm American
and we invented
the English language."
It was a pet peeve of mine.
So I did some research.
You know why British people
don't say "the" before hospital?
'Cause they're dicks.
"Jim!"
I know that sounds harsh,
but admit it!
British people
always talk to Americans
like we just walked
into their jewelry store
with two full bags of garbage.
[British accent]
"Ugh, may I help you?
Are you lost?
[shudders]"
[normal voice]
Obviously, I love the Brits
and I would never do those jokes
there.
I have been lucky enough
to perform in the U.K.
a couple times and one time
I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus--
which, for the record,
is a horrible circus.
There's no animals.
No, I was walking through
Piccadilly Circus
and I saw they had
an M&M store
and I looked at that M&M store
and it just made me think
of all the things the British
have given the Americans.
Like our language,
Shakespeare,
the Magna Carta,
and I looked at the M&M store
and I thought,
"Now we're even."
When I looked at the M&M store,
I wasn't even embarrassed
to be American,
I was ashamed to be human
'cause has anyone at any point
in their life thought,
"When are they gonna open
an M&M store?
Sure, I can buy
M&Ms absolutely anywhere,
but I like to buy in bulk...
in a pro-M&M environment."
Obviously, we don't need
an M&M store.
We don't even need
different colored M&Ms.
They all taste the same.
They're just bits of chocolate
shaped like Advil.
With an M on it.
They're not even M&Ms.
They're Ms!
We don't do that
with anything else.
"You want some
raisin & raisins?
Go ahead, grab a handful
of raisin & raisins."
No, I don't even know
how many M&Ms
or Ms they would have to sell
in London
to justify Piccadilly Circus
real estate,
but this M&M store
is massive in the U.K..
It is three levels--
which I guess makes sense,
'cause the first level
so you can buy M&Ms,
the second level
so you can buy more M&Ms,
and then the third level
so you can jump to your death
'cause you wasted time
in an M&M store
when you were in London!
By the way,
I don't have any judgement.
If you personally enjoy
going to the M&M store,
that's fine, but, obviously,
you shouldn't vote.
[cheers and applause]
I was with my kids
at the time
and they wanted to go
to the M&M store,
'cause little children
only wanna do horrible things.
Kids never
wanna do something fun
like sit in a dark bar
and drink beer.
And I remember standing there
with my kids
and I was aware that
there were other parents
with their children
in the M&M store
'cause that's what you do
as a parent.
You do things with your kids
'cause you love them,
but I realized in that moment
I don't love my kids that much.
I love them enough
to walk by the M&M store.
"Jim, you're a monster."
But being a parent is not that
different from being a tourist.
It's essentially
the same experience.
In both
you walk around exhausted
spending money you don't have
while you look for a bathroom.
It's the same experience.
You know?
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I, uh...I was recently given
a gift certificate
for a massage which I will
never use because I'm not
one of the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills.
I've gotten a massage before,
but I just--
I find it hard
to justify a massage like,
"You know what I deserve?
To have someone I don't know
rub my body.
Let's make that happen people."
'Cause massages
are always from strangers.
We get massages from strangers
'cause we can't count
on the people who love us
to touch us.
Right? I mean,
it could be your best friend.
"You see that guy?
I'd take a bullet for him.
I'm not giving him a massage.
I'm no queer."
My wife, the woman I love,
the mother of my children,
here's my massage, "You good?
That's--my hand's cramping."
So we pay total strangers.
"Hey, I know nothing about you,
why don't I take off my clothes
and climb on this padded
dining room table?
Then you can do
whatever you want."
We know nothing
about these people.
I don't even ask
if their a masseuse.
"Oh, you're dressed like
an orderly in a mental ward,
why don't I get in the most
vulnerable position
I can think of?
How about face down
on the donut pillow?
Does that work for you?
'Cause then I can look
at your feet
and imagine
you're grabbing knives."
What do we really know
about massage therapists?
They like to rub strangers
for money
while they listen
to the Avitar soundtrack.
That's a red flag!
Those are the traits
of a serial killer!
I never know
what to say during a massage.
Sometimes I'll try
and break the ice.
I'll be like, "Hey, you're not
allergic to leprosy, are ya?"
They never laugh
'cause they're busy
imagining making a suit
out of my skin.
'Cause they're murderers.
They already put the lotion
in the basket.
-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
I don't even know what type
of massage I'm getting
when I get a massage.
"Do you want a deep tissue,
a shiatsu,
or a Swedish massage?"
I'm like,
"I'll take the blonde."
I don't know.
'Cause men view massages
differently.
A woman gets a massage
her friends are like,
"Good for you."
A guy gets a massage,
"You dirty dog, eh!"
'Cause men sexualize
all human interaction.
"It was a therapeutic massage."
"How therapeutic?"
"Nothing happened."
"Yeah, that's what
we'll tell your wife, huh?"
That's gotta be frustrating
for massage therapists.
That double meaning.
"Did you get a massage
or a massage?"
No other occupation
has to deal with it.
"Did you get a cavity filled
or a cavity filled?"
"How many dentistry references
is he gonna have?"
For me, a massage is just
an hour of awkwardness, right?
She gets done,
she leaves the room,
I put on the robe,
I step outside,
she hands me a glass of water.
I always look at her and go,
"You're never gonna call me.
What a charade."
I did have
one massage therapist,
she told me they're allowed
to turn people down.
I don't know
why she told me that.
[chuckles]
It was after a show.
Can you imagine getting
turned down
by a massage therapist?
That's rough.
"Yeah, you couldn't pay me
to touch you.
Not for all the money
on the planet."
Massages,
that's how some people relax.
Some people relax
in a hot sauna.
And sure,
who doesn't love recreating
the feeling of being trapped
inside an active volcano?
I don't understand
the appeal of a sauna.
Here's every experience
I've had in a sauna.
I'm like, "Okay,
I'm gonna get a sweat going,
it's gonna be
really good for me.
Here we go.
It's time to get out, right?
I don't wanna overdo it."
What is so relaxing
about sitting in a hot box
next to a pile
of smouldering rocks?
I always look at the rocks like,
"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,
they're done.
That's a wrap
on the rock cookin'."
And to make the sauna
more enjoyable,
you're always seated next to
a naked, 80-year-old man.
"Oh, good, I get to sweat
next to someone's grandpa
who's only wearing
a hand towel."
The nudity in the sauna
seems unnecessary.
This isn't Rome.
I just look around
the sauna like, "Wow...
so this is why
we wear clothes, huh?"
So we may eventually eat.
In Finland--In Finland
where they invented the sauna,
they relax in Finland
by drinking vodka in the sauna.
Which might explain why
we've never read
any Finnish literature.
Vodka in the sauna?
Actually, the Fins,
they pronounce it, "Sao-na"
'cause they're wasted.
[slurred speech]
"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'
and drink some 'bodka'?"
Drinking vodka in a sauna?
You know what kind of
ideas you come up with?
An M&M store.
-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
In Finland--In Finland,
I was invited to take a sauna.
I was also invited
to go cross-country skiing
and I could think is,
"Is fun illegal here?"
Like what kind of antidepressant
do you have to be on
to enjoy cross-country skiing?
I can't believe
cross-country skiing's
even a sport.
"Hey, you know that awkward part
in downhill skiing
where you're trying
to get over to the lift?
What if we just did that?
Whoo!
This is fun!
And to turn around--"
"You know what?
Don't turn around.
Let's go across the country."
People who enjoy winter
seem mentally unstable.
Right?
Some of those winter activities
should get you committed.
It's like, "Look, we love you,
we're just worried.
I mean,
yesterday we caught you
walking through the woods
with tennis rackets
tied to your feet.
This morning, we saw you
sweeping the frozen lake.
What's next?
You sitting in a sled
being pulled by dogs?
Get some help."
Oh, I did one of those
genetic tests.
I was surprised to find out
I'm all Asian.
You do learn things
from those genetic tests.
Like I discovered
I wasted 100 bucks.
[laughter]
They send you information.
Mine just said,
"Dude, you're white.
In fact,
you're very white.
I hope you feel guilty."
They didn't even break down
my nationality.
They just highlighted
all the British Isles.
They're like,
"You're trash from here.
Wherever people need sunscreen."
But what do we expect to learn
from these genetic tests?
Like, "Oh, my gosh!
I'm related to my ancestors!"
We're only gonna find out
bad news.
You see it in the commercials.
I thought I was Italian,
but it ends up,
my great-grandma
was a whore.
[laughter]
So I guess
I'm Eastern European.
Sometimes people think
I'm saying
Eastern Europeans
are whores and...
I am.
No.
My point is,
only good family news
is passed along.
Like, if your great-grandfather
was Abraham Lincoln,
you'd already know that,
but if your great-grandfather
was the town drunk,
your grandpa's likely to go,
"Uh, I don't remember.
I think he worked in a bar.
Chief gutter inspector."
I do know I have
some Irish ancestry,
but, apparently, the Irish
didn't keep great records
'cause, well,
draw your own conclusion.
Something tells me
they weren't busy sunbathing.
I'm Irish,
but I have blonde hair.
Supposedly, the only reason
the Irish
have blonde or red hair
is 'cause the Vikings invaded,
pillaged,
and probably other stuff.
Those Vikings,
the Scandinavians,
I don't know if
you've been to Sweden,
it's like a whole country
of Scarlett Johanssons.
If I was in Ireland at that
time, I would've been,
"Oh, no, some Viking ladies
coming to pillage me.
I guess I'll hide on this bed
covered in rose petals.
Hopefully she can help me
put together that table.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
They say last names
can tell you something.
Like if your last name
is Cooper,
that means you probably had
an ancestor who made barrels.
If your last name is Canter,
that means somebody
along the line was a singer.
My last name is Gaffigan,
which is Gaelic
for "highly anxious."
And when I learned that,
all I could feel was...
highly anxious.
I mean...
how anxious do you have to be
for people to go,
"You should go with it
as your name."
"Why's that?"
"That's what
we call you anyway."
It does seem like
some last names
were chosen to impress,
right?
You know, someone's like,
"You know what?
I want the ladies to know
I'm successful,
so I'm gonna go with
the last name, 'Goldman.'
Goldman,
what are you going with?
"Weiner."
I want the ladies to know
I like hotdogs."
But who knows?
Maybe last names mean nothing.
You know,
where I'm from in Indiana,
there is a guy who owns
an RV dealership
and his name is Tom Raper.
That's his name.
And there are billboards.
"Come see Tom Raper."
And people go.
"Well,
we should check it out."
Now I don't know
why we would let someone
named Raper sell RVs.
They are essentially
mobile crime scenes.
If my last name were Raper,
I wouldn't leave the house.
How do you even
go out to dinner?
"Party of two.
Raper.
Is there a Raper here?"
Are there family reunions?
"Are you a Raper?
I'm a Raper.
Is this your son?
He looks just like a Raper.
It's so fun getting
all the Rapers together."
In Milwaukee, I stayed in
a hotel named The Fister.
That was the name.
The Fister.
And--And, obviously, they were
sensitive to it sounding weird,
so they added a P at the front.
So it was The Pfister.
Hey, it worked
for Michelle Pfeiffer.
And that hotel was started
by a man named Guido Pfister
who thought,
"My name's Guido Pfister,
why don't I go
into hospitality?"
Guido Pfister?
His name sounds like
an ethnic slur.
"Get outta here,
you Guido Pfister!
Go pfist somewhere else!"
[laughter]
I don't know if you can tell
by looking at me,
but I'm kinda obsessed with
not being interested in fashion.
It's, uh, something I care
deeply not about.
And I'm aware that
not being into fashion
is a fashion choice, right?
How annoying is that?
It's like,
"Oh, you're not into fashion?
That means
you're an norm core."
Why can't I just wear clothes
to cover my disgusting body?
Why must it be a choice?
'Cause the only choice I make
when it comes to clothing
is
"does it still fit me?"
I don't know
if you've had an opportunity
to fat out of clothes.
That's a special feeling.
There are watershed moments
in your life, right?
When you hold
your newborn child
or you fat out of a T-shirt.
It's amazing 'cause you don't
even go to the obvious
conclusion.
You're like,
"Well, this shirt used to fit.
I haven't grown
since I was a teenager.
Oh! I'm a fatass!
Well, time for a burrito."
The best is when you
pack for a trip
and you fat out of clothes,
but you don't realize
until you get there.
[laughs]
You sit there and you go,
"Well, I guess I can wear that
as long as I don't
breathe out...
or sit down."
You ever wear a shirt
you can't sit down in?
"Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna stand.
I know it's Thanksgiving.
I'm more thankful standing.
Better angle for carving."
I still have all the clothes
that don't fit me.
They're in my closet
in case I have a dramatic
weight loss over a weekend.
It's ridiculous.
It's like I'm curating
an exhibit of my weight gain.
"Well, that suit
was from 30 pounds ago
and that sweater was from
last winter
and this shirt--
this shirt never fit."
Have you done that?
Have you bought clothes
that don't fit
thinking that'll be
the incentive to lose weight?
It's like,
"Well, I've only gained weight
for the last 40 years,
maybe this shirt'll
turn it around."
"How'd you lose weight?"
"I bought a shirt.
It worked."
No, fashion's kind of wasted
on me.
You know, like,
those fashion shows.
To me, fashion shows
just look like skinny tennagers
walking around
in their parent's clothes
looking for food.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
"Ma,
there's no food out there.
All right, I'll change
my outfit and look again."
Fashion shows are rather absurd
when you consider
they're just people
sitting around watching people
walk around in clothes.
Which is what people do
in clothes everyday.
But at fashion shows,
they're so fascinated.
They're like,
"Oh, my gosh.
Ooh, wow, look at that person
walk in clothes.
How do they do it?
If only we could watch them
do laundry."
And we all know
what a fashion show is
'cause we've seen it
on TV.
In December they televise
the Victoria's Secret
Fashion Show--
which is excellent,
by the way.
Well, that one's different
'cause there's angels.
So there's a spiritual aspect...
to the thongs their peddling.
It's interesting.
All the models are beautiful.
You ever notice that?
You're like, "Yeah, Jim,
that's the point."
No, but all the models--
They pick people that would look
good in any clothing.
Like, if you want me
to buy a suit,
show me Michael Moore
looking good in it.
And I'm not picking
on Michael Moore.
I'm friends with him.
I like Michael Moore.
And not just 'cause he proves
you don't need to shower
to be famous.
You ever see Michael Moore
on television?
He looks like he's been robbed
of everything he owns.
"Are you the victim
of a shipwreck?
What happened?!
Pull it together!
You won an Academy Award!
Stop shopping
at the lost and found!"
But I understand
Michael Moore's mentality.
Fashion's not gonna
change his life.
It's not gonna change my life.
I look the same whether I'm
wearing a T-shirt or a tux.
I still look like someone
who eats fast food.
Probably 'cause I do
eat fast food.
I look the way I look.
Look, I didn't vote for Trump,
but I walked around
New York City and everyone
the week after the election
looked at me like,
"You did it!
You did it!"
And I was like,
"I didn't do it!"
But after a couple days
I was like, "Did I do it?"
I know people are scared
about Trump being president,
but I can tell you,
as a straight, white male,
-I feel like I'll be okay.
-[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
My wife hates that joke
and I love her,
but not enough
to get rid of that joke.
I would do anything for my wife
I'm aware of that.
But there are people
that are more romantic.
Prince Edward abdicated
his right to the English throne
for the woman he loved.
Isn't that unbelievable?
He was forced to choose between
the woman he loved
or being King of England,
and that idiot...
chose the broad.
Now I'm sure in that moment
it was the right decision
and I'm happily married,
but even in
the best relationship,
each person has thoughts
where they go,
"I've made an enormous mistake."
But we never thought,
"I could've been
King of England."
Do you think Prince Edward
really ever got over that?
Every time he had
to empty the trash,
he was like,
"A King of England doesn't have
to empty the trash!
The King of England can chat
with his ex on Facebook!"
Can you imagine
what kind of news event
that abdication was
in the U.K.?
There must've been,
"He's gone mad.
We should get him
to hospital."
"Jim, your British accent
is getting worse.
Why wouldn't you take
five minutes
and learn a good accent?
It's just lazy.
It's just lazy."
My wife's pretty amazing.
She is better at things
and I'm not ashamed to say that.
Like, her guilt trip,
legendary.
My wife is half Catholic,
half Jewish,
so her guilt trip is like
a superpower.
I walk in a room,
she looks at me,
and I feel horrible.
And that's called love.
We've been together so long
I will get angry
about a guilt trip
she hasn't even given me yet.
I'll be like, "I'm gonna watch
the football game."
She's like, "Okay."
And I'm like,
"'Cause I want to!"
I'm always in trouble
with my wife
'cause I'm selfish,
I'm lazy, insensitive,
and a bunch of other stuff.
She rattles on.
And I understand being
in trouble for stuff I've done,
but sometimes I get in trouble
for stuff other men have done.
Once I got in trouble for
something a guy did in a movie.
I was watching a movie
with my wife
and in the movie there was
this married guy with children
who left his family
for a 20-year-old woman
and I knew in that moment
I should sleep on the couch.
[laughter]
And the movie ended
and my wife looked at me
and she was like,
"Why would someone do that?"
And I was like,
"Uh, it--it was in the script?"
I didn't say that.
I just said,
"Where do you want me to sleep?"
I hope it doesn't sound
like I'm picking on her
'cause I'm grateful to have her
in my life.
It's nice to have a partner.
Someone looking out for you,
you look out for them.
Like I did two weeks of shows
out of town in December
and when I came home,
my wife informed me that she
made me an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
If you're unfamiliar,
that's the doctor
that sticks the camera
up your butt.
I mean,
they do other things,
but that's what
they're famous for.
That's probably how they
attract people to the field.
"You like photography?"
[laughter]
"Then I got a job
that you're gonna love!"
I didn't ask my wife
to set up this appointment.
I wasn't sick.
I didn't have any symptoms.
She just did it 'cause
she was looking out for me.
So she casually brought it up.
She goes, "Just so you know,
I made you an appointment
for the gastroenterologist.
And I said, "Just so you know,
I won't be going."
She's like,
"Why wouldn't you go?
It's just a consultation."
I said,
"Well, it's the principle.
I'm an adult.
I make my own decisions.
Thank you."
Anyway, so I'm at
the gastroenterologist...
[laughter]
The doctor starts to describe
the procedure
and I said, "Look,
I should probably let you know,
I don't really enjoy
getting my picture taken.
I would be open
to an ultrasound,
I think a lot of men
are curious what the jelly
on the belly feels like."
Anyway, the doctor,
he didn't think it was funny.
[chuckles] And I knew it was
precautionary, so I agreed.
So he went over
to his computer and he goes,
"All right,
my next available appointment
is in three months."
I was like, "Three months?!"
This was in December.
I didn't know if I wanted
this procedure
hanging over my head
during the holidays.
"Jim, you want
another piece of pie?"
"No, I'm getting
a camera up my butt.
I don't want some
team of doctors to be like,
'Wow, this guy loves pie.
Barry, get out here.
He's got half a pie up there.'"
I didn't know what could delay
this important procedure,
but part of me
didn't want to find out.
I didn't want the doctor
to be like,
"Well, the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera.
That takes forever.
Turnover in that position
is insane, you know?
People do it once
and they're like,
'You know what?
I'm going back on food stamps.'"
Then I was thinking,
maybe it's the doctor.
Maybe he's like, "Dude,
I can only do this procedure
once a month.
Then I gotta take a week off,
sit on the beach,
and ask myself
'Why keep sticking cameras
up people's butts?'
I could've been a dentist."
"Again with
the dental reference."
But in February
I had the procedure
and I think every man in here
should get a colonoscopy
because I had to.
It's not an easy decision
'cause the best news
you can find out from getting
a camera stuck up your butt
is learning you didn't need
to have a camera
stuck up your butt.
That's the best news.
"Yeah, we didn't need
to do that.
We can just chalk that up,
one for fun."
And the day before
the procedure,
you can't eat anything.
And I'm a total pig,
so it was terrifying.
but after I was awake
for five hours
and I hadn't eaten anything,
I wasn't hungry.
I was suicidal.
I was so bored.
I was like, "What am I
supposed to sit here
and feel feelings?"
And then at noon
and at 6:00 p.m.
you have to drink this serum
that I believe is made by
a collaboration
of ex-lax and Taco Bell.
Printed on the side of the serum
it should've just said,
"Drink this in the bathroom.
Might wanna grab a pillow
and a book."
'Cause I tell ya,
I've had diarrhea before...
This is the point where everyone
acts like
they've never had diarrhea.
"I don't even know what
Jim's talking about. Do you?"
Yeah, I'm the only one
who's had diarrhea...
in a hotel hot tub.
Okay.
[laughter]
Like we're at the same hotel.
No, I've had diarrhea.
I don't wanna brag.
No, I've had diarrhea,
but calling what this serum did
to my body "diarrhea" is
an insult to the word diarrhea.
My body made noises
I didn't know existed.
At one point I thought
I stepped on a puppy.
[laughter]
I was
in the bathroom for hours.
For hours.
Checking email--
ignoring phone calls
'cause serum or not,
you can't answer the phone
in the bathroom
'cause you can't hide the fact
you're in the bathroom
'cause there's an echo.
"Are you in a well?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm down here
in a well.
No kids in this well!
Making sure no kids
fell in."
But I kept getting this call
from the doctor's office
and I thought there might be
important information
like someone saying,
"Do not drink the serum!"
So I answered it
and it was just someone
confirming the appointment
and I don't know how
someone's supposed to sound
when they confirm a colonoscopy,
but this person
was really casual.
They're like,
"Hey, how are you?
So, we're gonna
see you tomorrow?"
I'm like, "What?
Are we having brunch?
I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt."
She gave me the address.
The next morning I went there.
It wasn't at a hospital
or a clinic,
it was at some building.
Just picture where you imagine
the Black Market
would harvest human organs.
"What am I doing here?"
And I took an elevator
to the basement.
There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms
with shower curtains.
And I was let into one.
There was all this talking--
You know when you're nervous
and you think you hear things?
I thought I heard someone go,
"I can't believe he's here.
I want his kidney."
And I was terrified.
And then eventually
an anesthesiologist walked in,
he gave me a shot
and he goes,
"Just wanna go through
what's gonna happen.
Right now I'm giving you
some medicine
which will knock you out
and when you wake up,
you won't remember anything.
You okay with that?"
And against every instinct
in my body, I just went,
"Okay."
And the last memory I had
is just watching
the anesthesiologist leave
the room as I heard someone go,
"I want his spleen."
And I woke up
and I was fine.
I mean, I'm pregnant,
but I'm fine.
I'm not pregnant.
My wife?
I haven't talked to her
in an hour.
You know, and--
but we got five kids
and that seems like a lot.
And, frankly,
it's too many.
It's--It is a lot,
but what am I gonna do now?
It's not like they come
with free return shipping.
I love--I love having
five kids.
I travel with them 'cause
I don't wanna be away from 'em
and also I enjoy the look
on waitstaff's faces
when I walk in
with my family.
'Cause my kids are five, six,
eight, eleven, and thirteen.
And we walked
into a restaurant in Dallas
and I saw a waitress look at me
and my family
and quit her job.
I mean, she could've been
getting off her shift,
I just saw her look at us
and throw down her apron
and storm off.
And I felt like we won.
But I like being a dad,
you know?
It's--I try to do one-on-one
time with each of my kids,
but it's hard 'cause I travel
and there's a lot of 'em.
So sometimes that special
Daddy and Me time
is just doing something
mundane like going with me
to the Post Office.
It's like, "That's right,
buddy, just you and me
going to find out why we got
this damn slip on our door.
Stick that in the memory bank."
"My dad,
always making time for me.
Squeezing me into errands.
I remember walking
to the Post Office and listening
to him bitch and moan
about the Federal Government.
What a guy."
I try to be a good dad.
I got my kids a dog.
-I rescued a dog.
-[cheers]
-Thank you. Thank you.
-[cheers and applause]
Well, it's not like
the dog was drowning.
The dog wasn't a victim
of sex trafficking.
I just went in a building,
gave a guy money,
and got a dog.
That's how I rescued it.
After that I rescued a pizza.
I actually--I had to wait
to rescue the dog
'cause the dog was in Jamaica.
I don't know if it was
on vacation.
But I rescued a dog
from paradise
so it could live in my crowded
New York City apartment.
Sometimes I put the leash on
the dog and it looks at me like,
"I used to run on the beach...
And now I sleep in a cage.
My only hope is that one day
you'll get rescued."
But "rescue" is the language
of today, right?
We mean adoption.
Now, people don't even say
they own dogs.
Now people say
they're a dog parent,
but I feel like dogs
are different from kids.
Like, you never hear a parent
say, "You know, my son had
some behavior problems,
so we gave him to a friend
who had a farm upstate.
You know,
that way he could run around
and we'll visit him
on weekends."
"Jim, you're a monster."
I'm no saint, but nobody is.
Nobody even goes
for saint today, right?
There's no saints.
Nobody's like,
"You know what I'm thinking
of, uh, I'm either gonna go
graphic design or saint."
Nobody goes for it
'cause, well, there are--
there are Latter Day Saints.
There's Mormons.
I love the Mormons.
I don't know
what Latter Day means.
Maybe that means they're,
like, devient till 3:00 p.m.
They're like,
"Well, kids are coming home,
let's get out of these
S&M outfits, honey.
Back in khakis."
I'm talking about
the traditional Catholic
sense of a--of a saint.
Nobody goes for saint anymore
'cause it's too hard.
To be considered
a Catholic Saint
you have to perform
two miracles.
I don't know why it's two.
It's not like half of us
would be like,
"You know, if it was one
I'd go for it.
Yeah, 'cause I can do
that thing with my elbow."
It's not like one miracle's
not impressive.
You're never in a job interview,
"Let's see here,
special skills, walk on water,
Microsoft Word.
Tell me about
the Microsoft Word."
Actually,
where I live in New York City
is where
the soon to be first
African-American Saint
is buried.
His name was Pierre Toussaint
and he was a hairdresser.
I didn't even know you could be
a hairdresser and a saint,
but he, apparently,
got done cutting people's hair
and they were like,
"This is a miracle."
And he was a great man.
And he'll--he'll be a saint.
He'll probably be the
Patron Saint of Hairdressers.
You know, 'cause saints,
they're in charge of things.
Like, "You're in charge
of hairdressers,
you're in charge
of lost objects,
St. Patrick,
you're in charge of Ireland."
St. Patrick,
Patron Saint of Ireland.
Every March 17th we honor
St. Patrick by getting wasted.
-[cheers and applause]
-Right?
But we don't know.
We don't know.
St. Patrick could be
up in heaven going,
"I didn't even drink.
What are these people doing?
I like the color blue.
I made that very clear.
Can someone remind God
I'm from Italy?
I don't wanna
rock the boat here,
but these Irish
are degenerates."
'Cause they don't
get to choose
what they're
the Patron Saint of, right?
Like St. Bonaventure?
Patron Saint of bowel issues.
I'm not making that up.
Bowel issues.
Talk about a promotion
you don't want.
Bonaventure's in heaven,
St. Peter comes and goes,
"Bonaventure, you're a saint."
Bonaventure's like, "Yes!
Yes! Am I
the Patron Saint of Scholars?"
"Not scholars."
"Wha--What am I
the Patron Saint of?"
"Bowel issues."
"Bowel issues?"
"Yeah, you know when someone's
getting a colonoscopy
or say they're sitting
on the toilet with I.B.S.
or explosive diarrhea
praying to God.
Well, we don't want them
praying directly to God.
So...you would be
like a conduit.
That way God's not talking to
someone who's doing number two."
"Uh, okay."
'Course I'm talking about
Catholic Saints
'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm not a good Catholic.
Like, if there was a test
for Catholics,
I would fail.
But, then again,
most Catholics would fail.
Which is probably why
there's not a test.
But since I'm Catholic
and I'm a comedian,
I was asked to open for the Pope
when he visited America.
And before you're impressed,
it didn't go well.
Like, I opened for the Pope, but
the Pope wasn't sitting there
like, "Ha ha ha ha."
I don't know
how the Pope laughs.
Hopefully not like
Jabba the Hutt.
But I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then the popemobile
drove into this
outdoor amphitheatre space.
I opened for an automobile.
And that's not even the first
time I've opened for a car.
I had to cut my honeymoon short
so that I could perform
at the Iowa State Fair
where I opened
for Kyle Busch's NASCAR.
Kyle Busch wasn't there,
just his car.
I did 15 minutes of stand-up
and then some stagehands
pushed his number 18
on the stage
and audience members came up
and got pictures with the car.
The car did better.
But I did open for
the popemobile in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia,
The City of Brotherly Love
and if you've been there,
you know they mean that
sarcastically.
I love Philly,
but saying Philadelphia's
The City of Brotherly Love
is a little bit like saying
"Syria, a place for peace."
But I love Philly.
You know,
I love the whole Northeast.
I'm from the Midwest,
but I choose to live
in the Northeast
because I love the energy
and I love the fact that
everyone in the Northeast
is angry for absolutely
no reason at all.
-[cheers and applause]
-Furious!
From Philadelphia to Boston,
pissed off.
Right?
That whole Acela Line.
I call it the Corridor of Hate.
But that is why
we are the United States.
Think of those initial
13 colonies.
Like, in Virginia,
those guys--
Like Jefferson and Madison,
those guys were like
the philosophers.
Like, "We're born with these
inalienable rights.
We should have representation."
But it was the people
in the Northeast and Boston
they were like,
[Boston accent] "Screw it.
Dump all the tea in the harbor.
Those English are dicks.
They don't say 'the'
before hospital." You know?
Don't you wish you were there
when the Bostonians explained
to the Virginians,
"Yeah, we listened to all that
stuff you said, so we started
a war with England.
The greatest superpower
on the planet."
The Virginians were like,
"Wha?!
We were talking hypothetically."
Even Patrick Henry was like,
"When I said 'Give me liberty
or give me death,'
I didn't mean actual death.
I was talking like
death by chocolate death."
But so I was in Philadelphia
for the event,
at the soundcheck
and they had constructed
this huge amphitheater
next to the Ben Franklin Parkway
which is a highway
and the amphitheater was empty.
And I was up there
doing the soundcheck
and I looked on the highway
and it was already filled
with a million people.
And I looked at those people
and I thought, "Wow,
a million people that don't want
to see me do stand-up comedy."
'Cause they were all there
to see the Pope
and not one of those
million people was thinking,
"I hope the Pope has a comedian
open for him."
But I shouldn't have
been surprised.
In the weeks leading up
to the event,
there were all these interviews.
They're like,
"You're opening for the Pope.
There's gonna be millions
of people there.
Are you nervous?
Are you gonna prepare?"
And I'm like,
"I'm definitely nervous.
I'm definitely gonna prepare."
Anyway, I didn't prepare.
So I was onstage
at the soundcheck,
looking at those million people
and I thought,
"I gotta come up
with some Philadelphia jokes."
But what do I know
about Philadelphia?
I know cheesesteaks,
Liberty Bell,
and I had just watched
this ESPN 30 For 30 documentary
about Eagles fans in 1968
throwing snowballs
at someone dressed like
Santa Claus.
That's all I knew.
So I went off and I tried
to think of some
Philadelphia jokes.
Before you knew it,
the event started
and I was introduced
and I walked out
and the amphitheatre
was still empty.
'Cause, you know,
the Pope wasn't there
and it was a Catholic event,
so everyone was at the bar.
So I was like, "All right,
I guess I'm just gonna do
my show for no one."
So I go, "It's good to be here
in Philadelphia."
and I heard this roar behind me.
[mimics crowd screaming]
And it was all the people
on the highway.
And I was like, "All right,
I'll play to them."
I was like,
"Philadelphia loves the Pope."
[mimics crowd screaming]
And I was like,
"Not that I was worried,
but you guys
weren't that nice to Santa."
-Nothing.
-[laughter]
Silence.
And then I heard something
that sounded like booing
'cause it was booing.
It wasn't everyone.
It was like 10%.
So, 100,000 people...
booing my Santa joke
before they saw
their religious leader
who was gonna talk to them
about mercy.
So I did what anyone would do
when they're being booed,
I acted like
I wasn't being booed.
I did some jokes about
being lazy and food
and I kinda got the crowd back.
And I got off stage,
disaster averted.
And I pulled out my phone
and I started checking Twitter
and I saw the most angry,
hateful tweets I've ever seen.
"How dare you bring up
the Santa incident!
Never come back to Philly.
I wish I could punch you.
Bringing up the Santa incident
in Philly is like
bringing up the Holocaust
in Germany."
That was an actual tweet.
Of course, the difference being
that the Holocaust happened
and Santa has never existed.
[laughter]
At that moment there was
a tap on my shoulder
and it was one of the organizers
and they're like,
"Do you wanna meet the Pope?"
And I was like, "I'm good."
I was like, "Yeah, of course
I'd love to meet the Pope."
So I was put in this room with
some of the other performers
and we were lined up
and the Pope came in.
And they started greeting people
and I noticed
people that the Pope
was meeting,
they were saying something
to the Pope.
and I didn't know
what I was gonna say
to the Pope
and before you knew it,
the Pope was right in front
of me and I just said,
"Don't bring up
the Santa incident."
[cheers and applause]
And the Pope,
he didn't say anything.
He just gave me a look of like,
"Dude, I would never do that.
This is Philadelphia.
They'd crucify me."
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you for coming out.
[cheers and applause]
I will see you soon.
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music playing]
BOY:
That's Mom and Dad.