Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019) Movie Script

(audience cheering,
- Thank you!
Thank you!
Oh my God.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
(audience cheering)
It's good to be here.
This is what I look like.
It's mostly my fault.
Well, it's all my fault.
I wish I had
an excuse, you know?
Like I had to gain
all this weight for a movie.
There's no movie.
If you saw me eat,
you would think
there were multiple movies.
Are they doing a
live action "Shrek?"
This guy's gonna be perfect!
I'm wearing my shirt untucked.
The untucked shirt.
The fat man's last hurrah.
Next stop muumuu.
You might see a guy
with his shirt untucked
and think,
"Oh, was he in a hurry?
Is he going casual?"
But you should know
that someone very close
to that man saw him
with his shirt tucked in,
and said, "Don't do that.
"That's visually unpleasing.
You look better
not fully dressed."
The untucked shirt,
it's like the male wonder bra.
There's a surprise
underneath and...
you're not gonna like it.
(audience applauding)
This is not an UNTUCKit.
UNTUCKit, which is
a brand of shirt.
I do love those
UNTUCKit commercials.
They present it like some
revolutionary technology.
It's a shirt that can
be worn untucked.
Like a magic shirt?
That's right.
Can other shirts do that?
No, this is a special shirt.
It goes with our
unzipped pants.
And our unbuckled
belt, and combined
with your uncombed hair
you can look unemployed.
And be unwelcome
in restaurants.
That's unbelievable.
This shirt is actually a 2XL.
That's right, I did it.
Mission accomplished.
(audience cheering,
There should be a moving up
ceremony for when you hit 2XL.
It is with great pride
and slight disgust,
that we present
this garment roughly
the size of a circus tent,
to this slob who
actually struggles to
put on his own socks.
He may now burp for
no reason at all.
I am new to the 2XL community.
They've been very welcoming.
I did some research.
You know what
the size after 2XL is?
Kill yourself.
No, it's 3X!
Triple X!
That's pornographic.
It's so fat it's obscene.
Triple X does sound like
some fat on fat action.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And I'm headin' there,
hopefully by
the end of the show.
I don't know what happened.
All I did was eat
abusively for 40 years.
And suddenly I'm fat?
That doesn't seem fair.
I am now at the size,
when I go in clothing
stores sales people
look at me like,
"We got nothing for you.
And you can't
use our bathroom."
When I go out to eat,
if I order a salad,
the waiter's
always like, "Aw.
Look at you try."
I'm always afraid he's gonna
gather the whole staff,
"The fat pig is trying,
the fat pig is trying, I..."
(audience laughs)
I've always talked
about my weight
in my stand up but in
the past after shows
if I ran into audience
members they'd be
like, "Jim, you're not that
fat, you're not that fat."
But now after shows people
are like, "Good show."
(audience laughs)
"You nailed it."
I don't care.
I like to eat!
I like to eat.
You know, when you like to eat,
what's weird is people
assume you enjoy cooking.
(audience laughs)
Well, you must know your
way around the kitchen.
I know where the food is.
Well, you must love to cook.
Look, I like to sleep.
It doesn't mean
I wanna build a bed.
(audience laughs)
The truth is, I don't
like to do anything.
Like when I order
delivery, I'm kind
of annoyed they don't
know what I want already.
What, do I have
to do everything?
I did lose some weight
last summer, thank you.
-Thank you.
-(audience applauding)
I did. I did.
Well, I had
my appendix removed.
But it still counts.
I didn't know what
the appendix was,
and since I'm an idiot I
just pretended like I did.
The doctor was like, "We have
to remove your appendix,"
and I was, like,
"Both of them?"
Luckily he thought
I was kidding.
He was, like...
(imitates laughing)
I'm so grateful
he didn't call me out.
I don't know what
I would've said, you know?
Like, "There's
only one appendix."
"Oh, ha ha, appendix.
I-- I thought you said lungs.
To me they sound
similar 'cause I'm dumb."
I didn't know what
the appendix was,
but I don't feel that bad.
The doctor told me
science isn't even sure
what the appendix
does exactly.
Science isn't even sure
why the appendix exists.
And I heard that and
I was, like, oh my gosh,
the appendix is
like a Kardashian.
It is.
(audience cheering,
Think about it.
It's a mystery to everyone.
But for some of us,
causes excruciating pain.
It needs to be
removed with a knife.
Obviously, I'm not
promoting violence,
against any of
the Kardashians.
Just the mother.
There's always one person
that gets too into that joke.
"Yes, kill the mother.
Kill her and smear
her blood on my face."
(audience laughs)
I think it's strange
science doesn't know
what the appendix does.
That means nobody knows.
You never hear,
"Science doesn't know,
"but Earl has a theory.
Earl, when you were
cleaning the toilet,
you mumbled something."
How is that
an acceptable answer
from the entire
scientific community?
"Yeah, we don't know.
Well, back to
cloning everything."
And they just
remove the appendix.
That's the solution.
Take it out!
We don't know
what it does.
And it's fine.
But you know the first time
they did it,
"We removed your appendix.
Let's see what happens."
I had my appendix
removed in Alaska.
That's not why I went there.
I was on vacation
with my family,
and I had this sharp
pain in my abdomen,
and since I'm a genius,
my first thought was,
"Oh, I pulled a
muscle in my stomach."
That's what
I sincerely thought.
See all these muscles?
I thought I pulled one...
doin' nothin'.
And the pain
was overwhelming.
I couldn't move.
My wife was like,
"I'm gonna go for help,
I'm gonna go for help."
But we're in a
remote area of Alaska
so she just ran
to nearby cabins.
Eventually she came back
all out of breath.
She's like, "I found a guy,
I found a guy."
I was, like, "Oh good,
is he a doctor?"
She goes, "No."
I go, "Is he a nurse?"
She goes, "He's a lawyer."
I guess he can do my will.
So then this
lawyer-doctor came over,
and started
asking me questions,
and when you're in pain
all questions are annoying.
He's like,
"Do you have a fever?"
And I was like,
"Are you even a lawyer?"
He's like,
"Is it a dull pain?"
"There's nothing
boring about this."
Eventually I had to be
airlifted on advice of counsel.
(audience laughs)
I was airlifted,
which was embarrassing,
'cause unlike a heroic
airlift if someone
from a natural disaster
or a wounded solider,
I was just a fat guy
with a tummy ache.
(audience laughs)
The helicopter pilot was like,
"Wait, your stomach hurts?"
"Yeah, it's real sore."
"Do you know how much it
costs to rent a helicopter?"
"But my tummy hurts."
I knew it was expensive.
I sat on that helicopter
the entire ride
just holding my
stomach and praying,
praying, "Please
don't let this be gas."
(audience laughs)
"Sweet Jesus,
don't let this be gas.
'Cause if it's gas
I don't think I can
return to my family."
(audience laughs)
Hey kids, daddy's back.
Had some gas.
Took a helicopter ride.
None of you wanted to
go to college did ya?
It's a little out of
our price range now.
We don't know what
caused the gas.
It might've been daddy's
three breakfast burritos.
Pretty much
a medical mystery.
I was airlifted to
the closest hospital.
They removed my appendix.
They did a good job.
I mean, I'm female now.
(audience laughs)
The surgeon who
removed my appendix,
his name was Dr. Muffuletta.
Which is also the name of a
delicious New Orleans sandwich.
And I do look like a
guy who would know that.
So when he introduced
himself I was like,
am I being visited by
the ghost of sandwich past?
Is Nurse Po'Boy
about to come in?
(audience laughs)
I woke up after the surgery
covered in Mardi Gras beads.
(audience laughs)
No, I woke up and there
was a nurse standing there
and she was like,
"The surgery was a success.
Just let me know if
it hurts when you pee,"
and I was like wait,
where's the appendix?
(audience laughs)
How exactly did you remove it?
This doesn't sound
like a success at all.
Then she explained,
right before the surgery,
they inserted a catheter.
I didn't know what that
was so I was like, "Oh, okay."
And then I started
piecing it together.
It hurts when I pee,
I'm suing this hospital!
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer-doctor.
What monsters.
If given a choice of
peeing all over myself,
or having a tube
inserted in my penis...
I'll take the pee shower.
I guess I'm old
fashioned, you know?
(audience cheering,
Checking out of the hospital,
the desk clerk was so excited.
He was like, "You had
your appendix removed.
I had my gallbladder
taken out."
I was like, "We should
vacation together.
"What are the odds
two fat Americans
had surgery on their
digestive system?"
I was released from the hospital
the day after the surgery.
They gave me pain killers.
They also instructed
me to do some walking,
which I assume was
part of the recovery,
but it kind of felt like
a commentary on my weight.
"Have you ever
done any walking?
"Have you ever leaned
forward and let
"your legs propel
your fat ass?
Let's take a break from
your motorized scooter."
And I was in Alaska, so
I said this was perfect.
So I returned to my family,
and we immediately
went on a hike
and it was great.
Alaska's beautiful.
My kids were havin' fun.
I was pretending like
I enjoyed being outside.
And then suddenly we saw
a bear, like, 500 yards away,
this huge brown bear, like,
way bigger then a gummy bear.
And I was so excited
'cause I watch nature shows,
but I had never seen
a bear in person
so it felt like
a celebrity sighting.
I was like, "Oh my God, I've
watched you on Animal Planet.
"You're so much taller
in person.
Can we do a selfie?"
But unlike
a celebrity sighting,
there was the risk of death.
Like, you never hear,
we're in restaurant,
Tom Hanks walked in
and then
he came over and
murdered my family.
That never happens.
But the bear was far away,
so I took out
my phone and I started
taking pictures,
and then suddenly
the bear stood up,
roared and looked
right at me.
Started creeping towards me,
tilting his head
back and forth
almost like
he recognized me.
"That guy looks like
Phillip Seymour Hoffman."
(audience cheering,
I was terrified.
Luckily, we were
with a tour guide,
and I looked at him
and he goes, "Don't worry,
I have bear spray,"
and I was like,
"Do you have
anything stronger?
"Like a bear gun?
"'Cause I don't think
this bear's
approaching to
get his hair done."
And the bear kept coming,
kept coming,
and then suddenly
the tour guide goes,
"Okay, I want everyone to
start walking backwards slowly.
Walk backwards slowly."
I guess, so the
bear could catch up.
So we started walking
backwards slowly.
By then the bear
was in a full sprint.
I had surgery 12 hours ago,
so I smelled delicious.
I was also sunburned,
so I probably
looked like
a giant land salmon.
The bear couldn't
believe his luck,
like, "I'm not gonna have
to eat for a month."
I was like,
"I'm gonna die!
I'm gonna be
eaten by a bear!"
Which is ironic given how
many animals I've eaten.
So I started humming
"Circle of Life,"
and continued walking
backwards slowly.
I should point out
it's not like
we were walking backwards
slowly to a car or a cabin.
We were walking backwards
slowly to nothing.
It probably looked like
we were teasing the bear
like, "Come
and get it, Mr. Bear.
"Are you looking to
get a little grisly?
Craving a little 2XL
are you?"
And before you knew it
the bear was upon us,
and he killed us
and we died.
Such a bloody mess.
No, what really happened,
is at one point the tour
guide pulled out this thing,
it looked like a pen.
I was like, "Great, he's gonna
ask for the bears autograph."
And I learned later on
it was a bear flare,
and he squeezed it,
and this tiny fire ball
went out towards the bear
and I was like, "Oh good,
something to anger the bear."
The fireball bounced
off the bear.
The bear stopped and then
just ran the other way
like it forgot
something at home.
And we all looked at each
other like, "Oh my gosh,
that just happened,
that just happened."
And that's a true story.
Well, most of that's true.
Well, it's all true
except there was no bear.
(audience cheering,
No, there was a bear.
I do sometimes lie up here.
I'm not proud of it.
But sometimes we
all have to lie.
Like, even when I tell
my children not to lie,
I'm kind of lying to them.
Some people are like, "You
should never lie to a child,"
and those people
don't have kids.
'Cause when you have kids,
you lie to them all the time.
You're, like, "You wouldn't
like this ice cream,
"it's very spicy.
"I'd share but
Santa said I can't.
Now why don't you go to sleep
so I can wrestle your mom?"
(audience laughs)
I'm not encouraging lying.
I'm just saying there are
times when you need to, right?
Like if you're late
to meet someone,
and you can see that
they're already angry,
and you don't have an excuse,
you have to lie.
'Cause if you told
that person the truth,
they would never
speak to you again.
You can't be like,
"Hey, I gotta come clean.
I just couldn't
motivate to get goin'."
"I mean,
eventually I could.
What I'm tryin' to say is
I don't value your time."
(audience laughs)
I've identified
there are two times
when it's socially
acceptable to lie.
To spare someone's feelings,
it's okay to lie.
It's also okay to lie
to cover up a murder.
(audience laughs)
Allow me to explain.
When we discover
someone's a murderer,
we also learn they've
done some fibbin'.
But we tend to focus
on the murder part.
You never hear, "I'm angry
he killed that guy,
but frankly I'm more upset
about the lying."
It's the dishonesty
that bothers me.
Some trust has been broken.
Speaking of lying murderers,
I watch a lot of "Dateline."
I don't wanna brag.
Some other winners out there.
If you're unfamiliar or
you have a life, "Dateline"--
(audience laughs)
is a news magazine
show like "60 Minutes,"
but at one point "Dateline"
just went all-in on murder.
And it's usually
spousal murder.
Like if you watch
"Dateline," it appears
most marriages
end in murder.
(audience laughs)
Every episode
starts the same.
They had the perfect
But you know someone's
gettin' killed.
A husband, a wife.
Sometimes they'll
get someone else
to kill their spouse,
which seems impersonal.
Like, you took a vow,
do it yourself.
(audience laughs)
Anyway, I was watchin'
this one episode
of "Dateline" about this
guy who murdered his wife.
It was gruesome.
I was watchin' with my
wife on our anniversary.
My wife didn't care.
I mean, she wasn't thrilled
I was taking notes.
"What are you writing down?"
"This guy's just sloppy.
It's like he's
tryin' to get caught."
If anything, this guy's
plan was full proof.
What he did
on his anniversary
is he threw a party
for him and his wife,
and they invited
all their friends
so that they could see
how happy they were,
and then the next morning
he took his wife fishing.
He rented a boat,
he brought a cooler,
some tackle, three
concrete blocks and a tarp.
(audience laughs)
You know, for fishing.
And he woulda gotten
away with the whole thing,
but three months after his
wife disappeared at sea,
he got engaged
to a stripper.
Which is kinda suspicious.
And to celebrate
their engagement,
they dropped acid,
as tradition would have.
(audience laughs)
And while tripping
on acid, he admitted
the whole thing
to his fiance.
And she turned him in
'cause she didn't
appreciate the dishonesty.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
And as the episode ended
all I could think is,
"I'm a terrific husband."
I've never even thought
of murdering my wife.
Well, I've never made
plans to murder my wife.
Well, I don't own
concrete blocks.
(audience laughs)
I can see some of
you are like,
"Jim, I don't
like the murder jokes.
I don't like them."
But wouldn't it
be great if
in a week, you learned
I was a murderer?
'Cause then you could brag.
You could be like,
"Oh my gosh,
"we were at the taping
for his special.
And he had all these
jokes on murder."
"Were they good?"
"Not really, no.
He was better at
murder than comedy."
If you know me,
I would do anything
for my wife, and that's
part of my alibi.
No, I--
(audience cheering,
I would do anything
for my wife,
but I'm not
a romantic person.
I wish I was.
There are moments when
it's glaringly obvious.
I get to travel so
much during stand up.
I did a show in Cologne,
and before the show, I was
walking over this bridge
that went across
the Rhine River,
and as I walked across,
I noticed
there were
hundreds of locks,
hundreds of locks
on this bridge,
and each of the locks
had two initials,
and it was apparent
that couples
had put the lock there
as a symbol
of their relationship,
and I looked at it and
I thought, "That's perfect."
Nothing captures love
like a rusty padlock,
dangling over filthy water.
But it was visually spectacular
and it affected me.
I'm almost embarrassed
to admit this.
I found myself
spending the next hour
just kind of looking
for a hardware store
in this town I
had never been in.
I spent an hour
looking and eventually
I found a hardware store.
I went in and I
bought a bolt cutter.
(audience cheering,
And I went back and I started
snipping off the locks.
And with each snip
I said, "It's over.
It's over.
You're free."
And people were
givin' me dirty looks.
What a grand romantic
gesture right?
But, you know the first guy
who did that was a psycho.
Like his partner
or girlfriend was
not a willing participant.
He was like,
"You're probably wondering
"why I brought you to
the middle of the bridge,
"in March.
I'm gonna do something
you'll never ever forget."
She was like, "Oh my gosh,
are you gonna jump?"
"No. I wanna
put this lock here.
"I'll put it here as
a symbol of our love.
"Soon others will do it,
and the bridge
"will be covered with locks.
"But you'll know
that the first lock
was the symbol of our love."
And the woman's like,
"Is that my bike lock?"
(audience laughs)
"Not anymore."
(audience laughs)
"Jim, that's a sad story."
Recently, I was invited to
a surprise birthday party.
It was a surprise
birthday party for a dog.
That's right, I have friends
that are mentally ill.
(audience laughs)
I went, I went. It was in
my apartment building
and I needed the material.
(audience laughs)
And to be fair,
the dog was surprised.
Didn't suspect a thing.
Dog didn't know
it was his birthday.
The dog didn't know
it had a birthday.
The dog wasn't sure why
people were in the apartment.
It was the dog's
third birthday,
which in dog years
doesn't matter.
(audience laughs)
Someone made that up and
we just went along with it.
Oh, one year equals
seven for doggies?
When I see a dog,
I'll do math.
That's not fulfilling
some dog need, you know?
There's not a dog sitting
in a bar right now
going, "I'm not three,
I'm 21!
I can legally drink!"
That's not how dogs
keep track of time.
If you have a dog, you know
they don't keep track of time.
You've left your home,
forgotten something,
walked back in
only to be greeted
by your dog like you've
just returned from war.
"You're back!
It's a miracle!
You're back after I don't know
how long 'cause I'm a dog."
(audience laughs)
These poor dogs.
We just attach these points
of view on these poor dogs.
Like dog
is man's best friend.
How desperate are humans?
We're best friends, right?
Dog's like, "Well, aren't
we different species?"
"But we're
best friends forever."
"You know you lock me
in the house all day,
"with nothing but
a bowl of water.
You'd think you'd let your
best friend sit on the couch."
"We're best friends. Now
put on this fireman's outfit.
We're gonna do a photo
shoot for Instagram."
"You know sometimes
when you sleep,
I think about
eating your face."
(audience laughs)
But I get it.
I love dogs too.
I love animals.
We all have a friend
that announces
they love animals
in a way that implies
the rest of us
are drowning kittens.
"Yeah, but I love animals."
Well, that's a pretty
exclusive group
of just you and anyone
who's not a serial killer.
"Yeah, but I just get
along with animals better."
Or humans don't like you.
(audience laughs)
I did have
an opportunity to
go on a safari,
which was unbelievable.
It was breathtaking
how bad the wifi was.
(audience laughs)
I went on a safari
which is just
a fancy word
for animal stalking.
'Cause that's what
you do on a safari.
You follow animals
and watch them.
You're like...
(audience laughs)
It's a good thing
these animals
can't report us
to the police.
"Yeah, officer, that fat
guy in the untucked shirt
"followed me for an
hour this morning.
"I woke up and he was taking
pictures of me and my family.
(audience laughs)
"We were naked.
Yeah, the guy who looks like
Phillip Seymour Hoffman."
(audience laughs)
On the safari, I saw one
animal kill another animal,
and intellectually I was,
like, I don't wanna see that,
but emotionally in the
moment I was like, "Get him."
"Kill it!"
My kids were totally
savage about it.
They're like, "Kill him,
kill him! I want blood."
My kids were with me.
My kids were poorly
behaved on a safari.
They're six and seven,
and animals would walk by
like, "Savages."
(audience laughs)
My two youngest are six
and seven year old boys,
and they're total savages.
They're constantly
picking on me.
They're jumping on me
and they pick on me.
How they pick on me recently
is they make fun of my,
what they call
my huge boy part.
(audience laughs)
Now before you think I'm
walking around the house naked,
or in fact
have a huge boy part,
you should know that, like,
when you have young sons,
you have to constantly
encourage them to
use the bathroom,
and if you're a dad,
sometimes you pee with them,
so that's why they've
seen my boy part.
But that doesn't
explain why sometimes
at dinner, they'll
just point at me
and giggle, and go,
"Dad and his huge boy part."
I never know what to say.
I'm like, "Guilty."
"Got me again.
Did you hear that honey?"
(audience laughs)
Lovely weather out there.
(audience laughs)
I prefer the cold to hot.
I do.
I know that's surprising
looking at me,
given I look like a snowman.
(audience cheering,
But I prefer
the cold you know?
Last summer
I was in Las Vegas.
It was 114 degrees.
114 degrees.
You can actually hear
the sun at that point.
(imitates sun crackling)
It didn't feel safe.
I was, like, "Are we
supposed to be here?"
114-- Like, you're never
at a friends house
and, "Warm in here."
"Yeah, I set the
thermostat to 114.
That's how I like it.
I'm part lizard."
(audience laughs)
Thermostats don't
even go up that high.
Meat thermometers do.
I think God is just
cooking people in Vegas.
(imitates sun crackling)
"Ooh, that one's smoking.
I love smoked meat."
(imitates sun crackling)
It was 114 degrees,
which was shocking,
but not as shocking as how
casually Las Vegas residents
just went about their
day in that heat.
It was like...
(imitates sun crackling)
They were like,
"Let's play Frisbee.
Time to walk the dog."
I was like, "Get inside!
"The Earth is on fire!
"Get inside and beg
for God's forgiveness.
You've obviously angered him!"
That's why Vegas
is called Sin City,
it's the same
temperature as Hell.
I have a friend
from Vegas.
I told him it was 114.
He goes, "That's nothin'."
I'm like,
"No, that's somethin'.
That's actually the
temperature you boil water at."
He's, like, "It's not that bad."
"Not if you're makin' Ramen."
He's, like,
"That's our summer."
That's not summer.
Summer is when you
barbecue on the grill,
not the side walk.
It's so weird to be places
where summer is the enemy.
I was, like, in the
southwest, they talk
about summer like
it's an ex lover
they never wanna see again.
"We gotta get outta here
before summer gets here.
Last year, I couldn't leave my
house when summer was here."
You ever notice the
further north you go,
the more obsessed
people are with summer?
Like I-- In February,
I was in Bangor, Maine,
and everyone was
talking about summer.
Everyone I met, they're
like, "You gotta come
back during summer.
You gotta come back."
Which is a strange
way to greet someone.
"Hi, how are ya?
Come back later."
(audience laughs)
And it was everyone.
"You gotta come
back during summer,
you gotta, I'm--"
"Yeah but I'm here now."
"Just make sure
you come back."
"I didn't wanna
come the first time."
(audience laughs)
But I love how northern
cities sell summer.
Like, "Summer here's
It's perfect. For one twelfth
of the year it's ideal.
it's a tundra filled
"with alcoholism
and depression.
But for those 13 odd
days it's worth it."
(audience laughs, cheers)
I did nothing today.
Didn't feel any
pressure to do anything.
Some places you feel like
a pressure to do something,
like St. Louis,
"You gotta go see our arch."
"I don't want to."
"Go look at our arch."
"Why don't I just go
McDonald's and see two?"
San Antonio, "You
gotta go to the Alamo."
"I was gonna nap."
"No, you're gonna stand
outside in blistering heat
and look at a building."
"Can't I just say
I forgot about the Alamo?"
You know who didn't
wanna go to the Alamo?
The people who
died at the Alamo.
I bet their
last thought was,
"I wish I didn't
go to the Alamo.
I thought it was a
rental car company."
Can you imagine
that level of bravery?
187 Texans fought
2,000 of Santa Anna's
finest Mexican troops
and at one point
those 180 Texans
just decided,
"We should just fight
'til we all die."
Like, if I was there
I would've been like,
"Excuse me.
I love the idea of Texas too,
"but have you tried
this Mexican food?
"It is delicioso.
I propose we remember
the guacamole."
Of course Vegas, the big
assignment is to gamble.
Nobody every admits
they gamble when
they go to Las Vegas.
"You goin' to Vegas,
you gonna gamble?"
"No, I'm gonna see shows."
"You're not gonna
gamble at all?"
"Well, if I walk by
a poker table
"I might sit down
and lose $10,000.
I'm mainly going
for the shows."
We don't like to
admit we gamble.
People never admit it.
They're like,
"I'm not gambling,
"I'm just pulling this lever.
I like to pull levers.
"It's a good arm workout.
"I'm not gambling, I'm just
watching these horses run
and letting the winner
determine if I keep my home."
(audience laughs)
We are country that
loves to bet on horses.
Every spring,
we track the three races
of the Triple Crown,
and every spring
I always have
the same thought.
We're still doing this?
Is Woodrow Wilson president?
But people love
the Triple Crown.
The Kentucky Derby,
where people bet on horses
while they're dressed
like characters from
"Gone with the Wind."
It's like prom for gamblers.
"Do you like my hat?
I'm living in
my sisters garage."
(audience laughs)
"'Cause I have a debilitating
gambling addiction.
Shall we have
another mint julep?"
They always
announce the winner
of each race on the news.
You can always tell the horse
was named by a guy
on his eighth wife.
The horse is always named
like Viagra's Revenge.
Alimony Be Damned.
They show a picture of the
winning horse on the news.
They could show us
a picture of any horse,
we wouldn't
know the difference.
I don't know
what we're supposed
to do with that horse image.
It's not like we're gonna
run into that horse in a bar.
"Excuse me, did you win
the Kentucky Derby?"
"I did,
I won the Kentucky Derby.
Now I'm in a bar,
enjoying a Heiferweizen."
There is the classic photo
of the winning horse right?
They're always wearing
that huge horseshoe
wreath of flowers they stole
from someone's grave site.
Standing next to
the winning horse
is the owner of the horse,
who did not train the horse,
did not ride the horse,
and based on body language
has never really
met the horse.
There the owner stands,
looking like they've
never paid taxes.
Sitting on top of
the winning horse
is the jockey,
who's dressed like
he just came from
a local pride parade.
They always interview the
jockey expecting some insight.
They're like, "How'd you win?"
The jockey's like, "I whipped
the horse and it ran."
(audience laughs)
It's very rare
for a horse to win
all three races in
the Triple Crown,
mainly 'cause they're
horses and they don't care.
Mostly they just want someone
to stop whipping them,
'cause they're horses.
I didn't know this.
After the Triple Crown,
all those horses retire.
They retire
at the age of three.
It feels early.
They retire and then
they're sent out to stud.
Those horses get
paid to have sex,
which in some ways is better
than winning the Triple Crown.
That's like
the quadruple crown.
That's gotta be an
adjustment for those horses.
Like, "Hey, remember
when we whipped you
"and we wanted you to run?
"Well, now when we
whip you, we're gonna
have you do something
a little different."
(audience laughs)
"How many horse jokes
is this guy gonna do?
I never thought
I'd miss a murder joke."
There's a lot more
horse jokes.
And if you haven't noticed,
I know nothing about horses.
I don't horseback ride
mainly because
I prefer to be comfortable,
and it's not the 1800's.
I'm sure the horses
aren't thrilled either.
They're like, "Why am I
carrying you around?
I saw you drive up
in a Honda Civic?"
(audience cheering,
But people like
to horseback ride.
I have a friend,
she told me the reason
she enjoys horseback riding
is 'cause she loves horses
which seems like
a strange way
of expressing love
for something.
Making it carry you
around on its back.
I mean I love my
Great Aunt Katie.
(audience laughs)
I'm not gonna make her
carry me around on her back.
Not anymore, yeah.
(audience laughs)
I don't even know why
we have to specify
that it's horse-back riding.
(audience laughs)
Are there people like,
"Hey, you wanna ride a horse?
What part?"
(audience laughs)
"The part that looks
like a seat, the back."
"Oh good, 'cause I've
done horse-ass riding.
That was painful,
I kept fallin' off."
(audience laughs)
I should probably tell you,
the rest of the show
is all horse jokes.
(audience cheering,
"Is he serious?"
(audience cheering,
There are different
types of horses.
(audience laughs)
"He's gonna
keep going isn't he?"
No, there are breeds
of horses, right?
Which is different
from horse breeding.
I don't know if you've ever
seen two horses breed,
but that'll keep you
awake at night.
If you've never
seen two horses breed,
do not YouTube it.
Do not YouTube it and
print out still images.
Don't do that.
Don't affix your face
on one of the images
and show your wife
and think it's funny.
She won't think it's funny.
But that says more
about her then you.
What was I talkin' about?
It's strange how
we treat horses.
We give horses shoes.
I don't even know
if horses need shoes.
You never seen a horse in the
wild walking around like, "Ow!
I wish I had some damn shoes!"
We give horses shoes
that are metal.
That's worse then Crocs.
That must be hard
to shop for right?
"Do you have anything in
metal but not a slip on?
Something I can
nail to my foot."
That's what we do,
we nail it to their foot!
And when we're not doing
that, we're literally
tossing the horseshoe
around as a game.
The horse must be like,
"What the hell are you
doin' with my shoes?
It probably looks like
we're taunting the horse.
"Hey, horse, why don't you
come and get your shoes?
"Why don't you go and grab it?
Oh, you can't, 'cause
you don't have hands!"
The horse shoe,
a symbol of luck for
everyone but the horse.
I don't know
if this is true.
Someone told me that when
horses are sent out to stud,
some female horses will
wear high heel horse shoes.
Makes them more confident.
"I'm gonna be payin'
for this later on.
Oh, and I've been
on my feet all day."
(audience laughs)
"That's gotta be the
end of the horse jokes."
Horse people,
and I'm not
talkin' about people
that are half-horse,
which are centaur's
and they don't exist...
anymore, right?
No, people who own
horses will tell you
that the horse can't even feel
the nail going in their foot.
Not that anyone's ever
heard a horse go,
"That's fine, hammer away.
Next time glue,
just don't tell me where
you got the glue from."
(audience laughs)
Oh, that was too edgy?
There's no horses in here.
There's not a horse
in the front row goin',
"Hey, take it easy on
the glue jokes. I'm gonna--"
I love how some of you
look for it.
"Is there a horse out there?"
(audience laughs)
It's strange how we
treat horses, you know?
The most shocking way
how we treat horses
is when they break
their leg, we shoot them.
That's a harsh medical plan.
And someone explained
the reason
they shoot horses when
they break their leg
is 'cause it's
unlikely the leg
will heal properly,
and I was like, unlikely?
So there's a chance?
Can you imagine how
stressed out horses must be?
Like, "I stepped on a branch.
"It was a branch,
put down the gun!
Look at the branch,
it's a branch!"
Even if they're
injured they're like,
"I'll walk it off,
I'm gonna walk it off.
"Put the gun down, jeez.
"You guys, anyone?
"Have you ever
heard of Ben Gay?
What's goin' on?
Put down the gun!"
(audience laughs)
I can see on
some of your faces,
that you would frankly prefer
if I did more horse jokes.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
(audience laughs)
It's odd, how we
treat horses 'cause
we live in this
era where we treat
our dogs and cats
as family members.
People are always trying to
get their dog on an airplane.
You know it's just
a matter of time
before someone brings
a horse on a plane.
"Are you kidding me?
"This is my therapy horse.
He keeps me calm
on the flight."
"We'd like to welcome
our Silver Medallion
members to board.
"And anyone traveling
with a farm animal,
"you can board at Gate 47.
Feel free to grab some
sugar cubes that we've..."
(audience laughs)
Horse power.
(audience laughs)
Horse power is so
different from girl power.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like, "You go, horse!"
Hay is what horses eat.
(audience laughs)
Okay, I can tell at this point
there's probably one
or two, or 300 of you,
that are frankly annoyed
by the horse jokes.
(audience laughs)
And I want you to know that
your annoyance
gives me pleasure.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
All right, you know what?
That's, that's--
No more horse jokes.
I promise, I promise.
All right?
Anyway, um...
are completely different.
(audience laughs)
Here's the problem with doing
roughly 10 minutes
of horse jokes.
Besides the audience
hating you
for the rest
of their lives.
It's for the next
couple minutes
you will all be like,
"Is there a horse joke comin'?"
(audience laughs)
Or you're gonna be
like, "He coulda put a
horse joke in there.
"He didn't use the
reference 'giddy up.'
Why wouldn't he
put it in there?"
But I want you to put
the horse jokes aside.
Put them in a barn.
And I'm gonna talk
about something else.
No, it's over.
I-- You know,
as I mentioned earlier
I did some shows
in Europe and I only
bring that up to
try and impress you.
But I flew over.
Really the only way to
get across the Atlantic.
You rarely run into someone
who's like, "You know what?
I paddle boarded.
It was a great arm workout."
I flew over.
That transatlantic flight
wipes people out.
People are a mess.
They're like, "I need a day.
I need a day."
The flight doesn't
sound that hard.
It's like, "Oh, it was brutal.
"I had to sit and
watch two movies.
"I felt like I was
being water boarded.
I need a day."
I was flying back,
3,000 miles, seven hours.
We landed.
The guy sitting next to me
was like,
"That took too long."
It used to take six weeks,
on a boat,
if you survived.
That's how long it
took Columbus to get
from Spain to the western
hemisphere, six weeks.
But you know, once Columbus
got here he was like,
"I need a day.
I am so boat-lagged.
"Give me a day and
I'll get right down
to murdering
and plundering."
"Jim don't bring up Columbus,
you're too white."
But Columbus, that's part
of our history right?
Columbus ushered
in all these people
that came to the
western hemisphere,
and some of them
did bad things.
But humans have done bad
things throughout the world.
Like in Australia the way
some of the settlers
treated the aboriginals,
it was not nice.
It was not a g'day.
(audience laughs)
In fact it was a series
of bad days or bidet's.
(audience laughs)
In New Zealand,
the settlers shared
the land with the native
people, the Maori people,
a very noble
warrior-like people,
but the Maori weren't even the
first people in New Zealand.
The first people in New
Zealand were the Moriori
and then the Maori
came and ate them.
Not even makin' that up.
That's the most
intimidating thing
you could do to
your enemy, right?
Like, "Oh, you're
gonna kill me?"
"Yeah, and then I'm gonna
grab some mayonnaise."
(audience laughs)
"What are you gonna d-- Oh!"
Could you imagine those initial
English settlers in New Zealand?
'Cause the British
had conquered the world.
They had colonies
on every continent
so by the time they
got to New Zealand
they were like,
"We've done this before.
Let's meet with the
locals and take over."
So they met with the Maori
and they're like,
"So what happened to
these Moriori people,
did you kill them?"
And they're like,
"Yeah, and then we ate them."
The English were like,
"We were thinkin'
"we could share the islands.
"You wanna share?
You're not hungry now are you?
"You know what?
Get 'em some shepherds pie.
Tell 'em it's made
out of shepherds."
(audience laughs)
"Jim even makes
colonialism about eating."
(audience laughs)
They were cannibals.
By the way,
at one time, all human
civilizations were cannibal,
which means back then it
meant something different
when someone said,
"I'm craving Indian or Thai."
(audience laughs)
I can see how you
wanna be offended,
but there's no reason.
When I was in Europe,
I tried all
the local specialties,
you know?
Norway, I tried
reindeer meat.
I was in a Norwegian
butcher shop in January,
and they had a sale
on reindeer meat,
and nothing says
Christmas season is over,
(audience laughs)
quite like a sale
on reindeer meat.
It's gotta be a
tough day for Santa.
"I wanna thank all you reindeer
who helped this Christmas.
"Great job.
Now when I call your name,
come with me into
the smokehouse."
(audience laughs)
France, I ate so much cheese.
So much delicious
French cheese,
and I feel like I'm
still digesting it.
My delicate American body
couldn't handle
the French cheese.
And it's not like
I don't eat cheese.
Most of you are looking at me
like, "We think you eat cheese.
We think you might
only eat cheese."
But the French, they eat
cheese on a whole other level.
In France,
they make eating cheese
an official course
of the meal.
So you'll eat an appetizer,
then you'll eat an entree,
then for no reason at all
you eat a bunch of
chunks of cheese,
then you eat dessert.
After that,
you go to the hospital.
And of course, I've eaten
chunks of cheese before,
just not in public.
Or with pants on.
Eating chunks of cheese,
that's something I'm
usually caught doing.
My wife's like, "What
the hell are you doin'?"
"Nothing honey!"
I remember the first time
I had the cheese course,
I'd eaten an appetizer,
I'd eaten my entree
and I started eating
my cheese course,
and I heard my heart
say, "Are you mad at me?
Did I do something
to anger you?"
My brain took over.
"It's all right,
it's all right.
"There's gonna be
some sweating.
"Bowels, you can take
a couple weeks off.
Appendix, get ready to blow."
(audience laughs)
Tried so many delicious
French cheeses,
and I couldn't tell you
the name of one of them.
And they would
tell me the names.
They're like, "This is
(imitating French).
From the
(imitating French) region."
And I'd be like,
"So not cheddar?
"'Cause I tried cheddar.
"You guys get cheddar
over here yet?
I like me some cheddar."
Some of the French cheeses
I tried were goat cheese,
or as the goats
call it, cheese.
They're not caught up
in your cow cheese bias.
You know, when I see cheese
I don't even see an animal.
I just see something
my body can't process.
(audience laughs)
I like goat cheese. I'd never
looked at a goat and thought,
"I bet that would
make good cheese."
(audience laughs)
How do we even get to
the point of goat cheese?
Was someone like,
"This cow cheese is good,
but see that dog that
looks like it smokes meth?"
(audience cheering,
"Can someone try and milk it?
"I got a hunch it
would make cheese
that would great with beets."
(audience laughs)
Those Europeans, they have
a different approach to dairy.
When they make a
sandwich in Europe
they put butter
on their bread,
they put butter on the bread,
and then mayonnaise.
That's like putting on
contacts and glasses.
(audience laughs)
Butter on the bread
of a sandwich?
That actually sounds
like something Americans
would do that Europeans
would criticize us for.
"Those American pigs,
when they make a sandwich,
"they put butter on the bread.
No wonder they fat pig."
That's a good impression
of absolutely every European.
(audience laughs)
I did love doing
shows over there.
You never knew what
was gonna work.
Sometimes there's
a language barrier.
There's different references.
There's famous people
in other countries
we've never heard of.
I was doing this show
in Ireland before.
I was doing the sound check
before the show,
and the sound guy was like,
"Do you have any
special requests?"
And I jokingly said, "Well,
I'll probably close my show
by singing Raglan Road,"
which is a famous
Irish folk song
based on a famous Irish poem
and the sound guy was like,
"Ooh, I don't recommend that."
And I was like,
"Well, I was kidding but why?"
And he goes, "Well recently
Billy Joelle did that."
And I was like,
"Who's Billy Joelle?"
(audience laughs)
And he goes, "You don't
know who Billy Joelle is?"
I was like, "I'm from
another country,
"I don't know
who's famous here.
"What is it,
Superman's dad?
I don't know."
He goes, "Billy Joelle
is from America.
And I was like,
"Oh my gosh, there's
an American who's famous
in Ireland that
I've never heard of."
He goes, "Billy Joelle,
Piano Man. Uptown Girl."
I was like,
"Oh, you mean Billy Joel."
(audience laughs)
He goes,
"No, it's Billy Joelle."
For a second I thought,
"Maybe he's right."
(audience laughs)
This wouldn't be the
first time I discovered
I mispronounced someone's
name for my entire life.
In my mind I started
going through
every conversation
I had on Billy Joel.
I'm like, "Did anybody
else say Billy Joelle?
When I said Billy Joel,
did anyone look at me strange?"
Then I remember, you know
who pronounces it Billy Joel?
Billy Joel.
And at that point
the opening act had come in,
and he was also from Ireland,
and I said,
"Hey, this sound guys
calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle.
And the Irish comic
goes, "It is Billy Joelle."
I was like, "Is everyone
crazy in this country?
What, there's no one
in Ireland named Joel?"
And he goes, "Yeah,
we call them Joelle."
I was like, "Well then,
what would you call someone
who's actually named Joelle?"
He goes, "You mean
like Billy Joelle?"
Stop it.
I loved Ireland.
I spent two weeks there.
One of the weeks,
I was in Donegal,
which is a county in
the northwestern part of
the Republic,
and I had noticed something.
Everyone in Donegal
has a washer and dryer,
but nobody uses their dryer.
They're like,
"That won't be necessary.
We'll just
hang that out to dry."
And I was kinda skeptical,
but I was staying with friends,
and they offered
to do my laundry,
so they took my clothes
and they washed it,
and they hung it out to dry,
and I was kind of impressed
'cause after only three days...
(audience laughs)
my clothes were still wet.
(audience laughs)
'Cause what they've
yet to realize
is it rains every
day in Donegal.
It's like living in a shower.
But my friend, she was so
proud of the line drying,
she goes,
"Isn't that just better?
Doesn't that smell glorious?"
Meanwhile I'm holding
a wet tee shirt.
"Yeah, this is great.
I can just pretend
I got off a log ride."
"There's nothing better than
waking up on a cold morning
and putting on a wet
Billy Joelle tee shirt."
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
My kids were with
me in Amsterdam.
I brought my kids to
the Anne Frank house.
I told some friends that
and they were like,
"Aren't your kids
a little young for
the Anne Frank house?"
And you know what I learned?
They are. They're too young.
But I wanted to
bring them, you know?
It's an important place
I want them to learn.
So I brought them.
We were standing outside
the Anne Frank house,
and I said, "This is a
special somber place.
"This is where Anne Frank,
her family and some friends
"hid from the Nazis
for two years,
"and they couldn't
speak during the day,
"and Anne also
wrote this diary.
So let's be respectful."
My six year old
raises his hand
and he goes, "Do they
have video games here?"
(audience laughs)
And I said, "I'm gonna
need you to be quiet,
for the rest of your life."
(audience laughs)
I bought tickets online
to the Anne Frank house.
I Googled it.
The Anne Frank house
has a Google rating
of 4.4 out of five stars.
Who's giving the Anne
Frank house a bad review?
(audience laughs)
It's like, "Yeah,
it wasn't that fun.
It was kind of crowded,
and there were no video games."
(audience laughs)
Why do we feel the need
to review everything?
Nobody's going to Anne Frank's
house looking for hot dogs.
"Well, I misread it. I thought
it was Anne's Frank house.
I was gettin' ready to
have me an Amsterdam dog."
(audience laughs)
When I travel with my kids,
we always try to do one
educational thing a day.
It usually involves going to
a museum, and museums are great,
they're important, but
they're also exhausting, right?
Acting like you're
interested in that crap.
(audience laughs)
There's so much pressure
to be impressed in a museum.
It's like "Ooh,
look at that kids.
"Wow, that's a, well
that's a water fountain.
What do we got over here?"
And I've been to all
kinds of museums.
I've been to
children's museums,
which are really just
museums of diseases
your kids can get from
other peoples kids.
It's like, "Why don't
you go over there
and see if we get
the chicken pox."
In Stockholm, I brought
my kids to a ship museum,
the Vasa Museum.
It was a ship museum,
but it only had one ship,
so it felt more
like a ship garage.
But that one ship,
the Vasa ship,
sunk on its maiden voyage
in Stockholm's harbor
in the 1700's,
which is not good,
but that's the largest
attraction in Sweden.
Most countries,
their big attraction
is a design marvel like
the Sydney Opera House
or the Eiffel Tower,
but Sweden was like,
"Here's our boat
that didn't float."
(audience laughs)
"This is why
we make furniture."
(audience laughs)
"That, ironically, floats."
(audience laughs)
Often the museums
are art museums.
Those are the most
intimidating, right?
'Cause in art museums, they
tell us what is the good art.
We have no say in the matter.
"That's good art."
"Oh, okay.
I'll take your word for it."
They treat everyone like
a child in an art museum.
They're like,
"Don't touch anything.
Nobody touch anything."
I wasn't gonna.
Now I kinda want to.
(audience laughs)
Everyone's speaking
in hushed tones.
"Be respectful.
"We're about to look at
the work of a mad man.
He painted this after he
chopped off his own ear."
"Why are we whispering?
Van Gogh's dead.
Even if he was alive,
he couldn't hear us."
(audience laughs)
Recently after a show,
someone came up to me.
They're like you know,
it's not pronounced Van Gogh,
it's pronounced
Billy Joelle.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
I do find it hard
to leave art museums,
mainly 'cause I
can't find the exit.
Great, another room filled
with paintings of
ugly Dutch people.
In the 1600's they painted
every ugly Dutch person.
"Hey, you're hard to look at.
Can I do your portrait?"
(audience laughs)
"Makin' that hay
look good aren't ya?"
(audience laughs)
Fine art, sometimes I feel
like it's wasted on me.
You know like the Mona Lisa?
We've all seen the Mona Lisa.
The most beautiful
smile in the world.
The most beautiful smile.
I'm like, "Have you
seen Halle Berry?"
(audience laughs)
Heck, have you
seen Chuck Berry?
(audience laughs)
I don't even know
if Mona Lisa's smiling.
To me it looks like she's,
just came from the dentist.
She's like, "Mmm."
(audience laughs)
"Novocain's wearin' off."
Art museums will
occasionally ask
if you'd like to
become a member.
"Would you like to
become a member?"
"Uh, how, how often would
I have to come here?"
(audience laughs)
I think I can only pretend
to be interested once.
There's always people
sketching in an art museum.
I always point them
out to security.
I'm like, "Copying."
Got a forgery
happening mid forge.
Those art museum security guards
you know, they're important.
Some of that art is priceless.
Some of it's on loan.
You see that next to a painting.
On loan from a rich person.
"The poor people
may look at my art.
But don't let them get their
peasant fingers on it."
(audience laughs)
Some of that art is priceless.
Recently, a Da Vinci painting
sold for $450 million.
400-- What room do you
put that in your house?
"I put that in the game room."
It was a Da Vinci
painting, Salvator Mundi.
It was a painting of Jesus,
but it's not like Da Vinci even
knew what Jesus looked like.
He painted it 1500 years
after Jesus walked the earth.
So he was just guessing.
He's like, "I don't know.
He's got brown eyes probably?
I don't know."
(audience laughs)
He probably just
painted someone he knew.
You know back in
the day they're like,
people are like, "What,
is that your nephew Eddie?"
Da Vinci's like,
"No, that's Jesus.
(audience laughs)
The savior of the world."
(audience laughs)
"Eddie is wearing
the same outfit as him."
"That's a coincidence."
(audience laughs)
So many paintings
of Jesus right?
But there's really two
types of paintings of Jesus.
There's Jesus as an adult,
or Jesus as a baby.
There's no teenage Jesus.
There's no acne Jesus,
with the beginning
of a mustache.
(audience laughs)
"Jim, you're going
to Hell for that."
And you sound
so dumb right now.
That is my worst fear is to
come across like an idiot,
and you guys are like,
"You should be terrified then."
(audience laughs)
I mostly get nervous
when I'm talking to
really smart people.
You ever been
talking to someone,
and you hear yourself
not make sense?
But instead of stopping,
you just keep talkin'?
"You know what? I'll pull it
together at the end.
Oops, that might
not have been a word."
That's usually the moment
where I make eye contact
with my wife.
She's like, "What the hell
are you doing?"
"I'm trying to
make you look good."
Here's how dumb I am.
When someone's criticized
on social media
for being stupid,
I get nervous.
Like, "Oh, they're comin'
for all us dummies.
Probably gonna start with a
spellin' test or somethin'."
(Jim chuckles)
The kids aren't with me,
but if we're really quiet
we can hear them screaming
in New York City.
(audience laughs)
When I travel
without my children,
in between those
moments of guilt,
are just hours of happiness.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
I mean, I love my kids.
I just love them more
when I'm not with them.
(audience laughs)
And when I travel without
my kids, I do nothing.
I'm so productive when
I travel with them.
When they're not here,
I do nothing,
and then I'll do nothing
all day and then
I'll call home
and my saintly wife
will just pick up the phone,
and there'll be chaos
in the background.
And she'll be like,
"What'd you do today?"
And I'll be like,
"What'd I do?
"Well, I got up.
Did that a couple times."
(audience laughs)
"Enough about me.
What about you?"
And she'll put my
kids on the phone.
They'll be like,
"Third grade's hard,"
and I'll be like,
"It gets so much worse."
School is hard you know?
I try and be supportive
in the morning.
I'll be like, "Look,
I know you don't wanna go,
"but just remember, I never
have to go to school again.
Anyway, off you go.
I'm gonna nap."
(audience laughs)
I don't know.
I wouldn't wanna be a kid.
I like the age I am.
I wouldn't
wanna be a teenager.
I wouldn't wanna be
in my 20's.
I like being 30 years old.
(audience laughs)
I try and schedule tours
around school breaks, you know?
Like at Christmas one year,
I did a bunch of shows
in Florida,
and my wife
and kids came down.
My wife's family
also came down
'cause they didn't want
us to have a good time.
(audience laughs)
I'm kidding.
I love my wife's family.
Did that sound believable?
I do love them.
They're my in-laws.
That's a strange term,
"Are you related?"
"Uh, legally.
In a court of law."
In-law, it's like the
opposite of being in love.
We're in law.
We law each other.
Very much.
In-laws are like
family you're assigned.
It's like, "You wanna spend
your life with that person?
You gotta take
those 10 people."
"All of them?"
My only issue with my in-laws
is there's too many of them.
My wife is
one of nine children,
so every holiday all
nine of the siblings
and their individual
families all
get together and spend
every moment together.
Over Christmas, I went to
a movie with 30 people.
I didn't even know
that was legal.
We were walkin' around,
people thought we
were from a church.
To put it in perspective Jesus
only walked around with 12.
(audience laughs)
I learned very
quickly I don't wanna
do anything with 30 people.
If I was on the Titanic
and the last rescue boat
was filled with 30 people,
I'd be like, "You guys go ahead.
"I don't want to be
there when you try
and decide
where to eat lunch."
(audience laughs)
Oh, but it was more
then 30 people,
'cause sometimes those
30 people will invite
other people.
So you'll have
conversations and someone
will be like, "I'm your
wife's uncles best friend."
Oh, there's a term for that.
(audience laughs)
You're a total stranger.
(audience cheering,
I do love my wife's parents.
Their names are
Louise and Dominic
so I call them Louise and Dom.
My wife's siblings, some
of them have gotten married
and their spouses,
some of their spouses
call Louise and Dom
Mom and Dad 'cause
they're weirdos.
No, I understand.
Sometimes you
marry into a family
and become so close
to the parents
that you wanna call them
Mom and Dad, but don't.
(audience laughs)
It's weird and confusing
for the rest of us.
Wait, that's his mom?
He married his sister?
(audience laughs)
What state is he from?
(audience laughs)
This is, by the way
this is all prosthetic.
(audience laughs)
After the show it comes off.
I just air it out
and it's like,
I feel so free when I get
it off, you know what I mean?
It's getting harder and harder
to motivate to exercise.
In your 20's, you're like,
"I wanna be with someone
physically fit,
so I'll be physically fit,"
and in your 30's,
you're like,
"I wanna fight off aging,"
and in your 40's
you're like, "It's over."
(audience laughs)
And now I'm at the
point where I look
at morbidly obese people and
I'm like, "They seem happy."
That's one way to live a life.
I used to exercise
to lose weight.
Now I exercise so I can
continue to fit in cars.
It's still a fitness goal.
(audience laughs)
I've been in better
shape in my life.
I go in and out.
It's been awhile.
Not last year but
the year before
my big accomplishment is
I ran the
New York City Marathon.
-(audience applauds)
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Half of you are,
like, "No, you didn't."
I did, you bastards,
all right?
I ran and completed.
All right, fine, I didn't.
(audience laughs)
But I thought about it.
Which I guess is technically
different then running it.
It turns out I couldn't run
the New York City Marathon
'cause I didn't want to.
Which is the main reason
I don't do a lotta things.
I just rarely admit it.
It's like, "Hey, Jim,
why didn't you come
to my birthday party?"
"I didn't want to."
We never really reply
to invitations that way.
"Don't wanna go.
Completely available,
just not interested."
(audience laughs)
"Really wish I wasn't there,
so I won't be."
(audience laughs)
I know people who have run
the New York City Marathon.
They always bring it up.
They're like, "Yeah, I ran
the New York City Marathon."
I always ask, "Did you win?"
"No, but I finished."
"What place you come at?"
"I don't know."
"Sounds like
you came in last."
"Really what you're saying
is you lost the New York
City Marathon."
"If I were you I
wouldn't bring that up."
(audience laughs)
But that's why some
people run marathons
so that they can say,
"I ran a marathon."
Which to me is not
a good enough reason.
Heck, I can say
I ran a marathon.
In fact, earlier I did.
It didn't feel good,
it felt dishonest.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is marathon runners are liars.
All of them.
It's too far.
It's way too far.
26.2 miles, that's too far
to run, jog or frankly drive.
Let's be serious.
But you know what?
I'm not a runner.
I'm not a runner.
Half of you are like,
"We never thought you were.
At this point we're not
sure if you're a walker."
But running is huge right?
There are stores
just for runners.
There's magazines
dedicated to running.
"Runners World," a magazine
all about running,
and if you thought
running was boring,
wait 'til you read
about running.
(audience laughs)
At this point,
is there any information
we don't have on running?
Oh, you're supposed to use
your arms when you run.
What? I think I've been
runnin' backwards.
No wonder I keep losin'.
(audience laughs)
The runners high.
I'm sure that's not a myth.
Let me get this right.
You're confusing
exhaustion for high?
Have you ever
been high before?
How can you confuse,
"I can't breathe" with "Joy?"
(audience laughs)
The runner's high.
Has anyone ever used
that as an excuse?
Sorry I ate all the chips.
Runner's high.
Hey, I ran a 10K
in high school.
I think I'm still high.
But there's running, and then
there's running a marathon.
You know you have to
pay to run a marathon?
For the New York City Marathon
you have to pay $250
to run by yourself 26 miles.
That's some
S&M stuff there.
That's like the subplot of
a "Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit."
You gotta pay that up front.
It's not like there's
a toll system.
Like we're on 13 mile.
What is this a chip reader?
You ever see the
beginning of a marathon?
All there runners line up in
their voluntary prison number?
(audience laughs)
And then someone
shoots a gun. Red flag.
And the runners disperse
like Godzilla's approaching.
Why is there a weapon
involved in a foot race?
Whatever happened to
someone saying "go?"
All right let's review how
we're gonna start the marathon.
We'll get all the
lemmings lined up there
and then without any warning,
Cooter will shoot his .357.
(audience laughs)
In the air this time, Cooter.
Then we'll just sit
back, count the money
and watch some of
them soil themselves.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering,
You ever see the
winner of a marathon?
They do not look healthy.
They look like they were
forced to run a marathon.
Like it was some negotiation
as part of ransom.
I finished, I finished!
Now can I have my children?
I ran 26 miles,
I drank my own urine,
I'm wearing
a tin foil blanket.
What's going on
with my kids?
Of course I respect
people who run marathons.
Heck, I'm impressed
by the people
who pass out
water at marathons.
I always look at them,
I'm like, I couldn't do that.
Probably gotta get up early,
then you gotta find cups.
Then there's passin'
out all that water.
My arm's just sore
thinkin' about it.
At least those people are doing
something at the marathon.
You ever see the rest of the
people watchin' the marathon?
They're like.
(audience laughs)
What is going on
in your life,
if you're watching
strangers run a marathon?
(audience laughs)
I suppose some of them are
there supporting friends.
I wouldn't want that.
I don't even want someone
to see me in a hurry.
That seems like a big
request of a friend, right?
"Hey, can you watch
me run 26 miles?
Only take your entire Sunday."
You can only watch someone
run part of a marathon.
It's not that big
of a commitment.
It's like, "You can do it,
you can do it!
All right,
I'm goin' to brunch."
(audience laughs)
But you could watch
someone run a marathon.
You can't go into
a health club
and watch someone
on a treadmill.
(audience laughs)
"Excuse me sir,
what are you doin'?"
"I'm supportin' that lady."
(audience laughs)
"Do you, uh,
do you know her?"
"Not yet,
but I brought her this
lock for the bridge."
All right, that is all for me.
Thank you very much.
(audience cheering,
This was so fun.
Thank you for coming.
Appreciate it.
(audience applauding,