Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer (2024) Movie Script

[audience applauds]
[Jimmy laughs boisterously]
People say... You will have heard this,
people say, "You can't joke
about anything these days."
Watch me now.
[audience laughs]
We're gonna kick off our evening
with some short, edgy jokes,
get the measure of each other,
see if we're gonna be friends.
[audience cheers and whoops]
Eyes down, everyone.
Let's fucking do this.
[audience cheers]
I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb.
I say that... toaster.
[audience laughs]
She was shocked.
[audience laughs]
When my girlfriend found out
I'd been drunk driving,
she hit the roof.
[audience laughs]
I was in Hong Kong.
Their Chinatown is fucking massive.
[audience laughs]
I've got a half brother.
Sorry. Transgender.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds and cheers]
It's a clich, I suppose,
but I... I... I, um...
I used to tell jokes at school
to stop kids from bullying me.
They used to shout mean things like,
"Get out of our playground,
you pedophile!"
[audience laughs]
I've got feelings.
My art teacher at school was a pedophile.
Yeah, so it really was
back to the drawing board.
[audience laughs]
I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone,
but the autocorrect is always
fucking up the lunch line.
[audience laughs]
- Ah...
- [scattered applause]
[audience applauds]
Everyone in here's
got a mobile phone, right?
[audience agrees]
And they're incredible.
They've done so much for us.
But it has come at a price.
They've robbed us
of our ability to concentrate,
those mobile phones, yeah?
A good example. Last week,
I had to do a simple piece
of mental arithmetic.
'Course, I couldn't do it in my head,
needed the app on the phone.
Before I'd even opened the calculator app,
I checked my email,
updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.
[audience laughs]
Are you aware of the mobile phone
secretly listening to your conversation?
- [audience] Yes.
- It's creepy, right?
You'll be chatting to a friend
about the good old days,
and then for the next two weeks,
you're bombarded with adverts
for anal beads and butt plugs.
[audience laughs]
My, uh... My girlfriend likes
to be tied up. [chuckles]
But, it turns out,
really scared of railway tracks.
[audience laughs]
When I masturbate, thanks for asking...
[audience laughs]
When I masturbate,
I always put my pinky up
so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh...
[audience chuckles]
...fingering my asshole.
[audience laughs]
There's a sub-genre of porn
called POV porn,
which is shot from the man's perspective,
so you see what the man sees
when he's having sex with the lovely lady
in the pornographic film.
I'm gonna make POV porn,
little money-making scheme,
and make POV porn,
but from the woman's perspective.
Huh? It's gonna be super easy
to shoot as well.
It's just a close-up of a headboard,
a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude's feet.
[audience laughs]
Well, 'cause people say men have got...
are more sort of visual than women.
Well, I don't think so.
I think we just have a better view, right?
[audience laughs]
Think about it.
There's a bit of reverse cowgirl going on.
We're thinking, "Her ass looks amazing."
She's thinking,
"He needs to clip his toenails."
[audience laughs]
It's not as erotically charged, is it?
Do any couples in here
watch porn together?
- Who watches porn as a couple?
- [man] Yeah.
One bloke on his own.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds and cheers]
Are you...
You're watching enough for two, are you?
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy laughs]
We tried...
We tried watching porn as a couple,
but it didn't work for us at all.
Very different tastes.
She likes stuff with proper narrative
and characterization.
I like stuff with animals.
[audience laughs]
I was watching Gaping Anuses 3...
[audience laughs]
Planet of the Gapes.
And sure, I enjoyed it,
but there were some pretty big holes
in the plot.
[audience laughs]
This next joke
is sort of a canary in the mine.
It's there to test the air.
Your reaction to this joke tells me
an awful lot about you as an audience.
Doesn't change anything.
I'm gonna tell you the same jokes
this evening regardless of your reaction.
It just tells me how much
you're gonna enjoy our time together.
- [audience laughs mildly]
- Good luck.
[audience laughs]
I was in a grocery store
a couple of weeks ago.
They had a special on.
He was collecting the carts.
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered groaning]
I think we're going
to be friends, aren't we?
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds and cheers]
And no, no disrespect.
One of my best friends
is a special needs teacher.
Well, I say he's a special needs teacher.
It's a totally normal school,
but it's in Norfolk, so, you know.
[audience laughs]
- Is anyone in from Norfolk?
- [scattered people] Yeah.
- [man yells] Yeah.
- You're from Norfolk? Oh!
- Yeah, that checks out.
- [audience laughs]
If you're not familiar, uh, Norfolk's...
So, what are you working with
there, my friend?
Just the one set of grandparents?
- [audience laughs]
- [scattered groans]
Family tree like a fucking broom handle.
[audience laughs]
You didn't meet the missus on Tinder,
did you?
What was it, ancestry.com?
[audience laughs]
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
It may well be "siblings with benefits."
[audience laughs and groans]
Too close to home?
[audience laughs]
He'll be livid when he gets those jokes.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
My girlfriend snores quite a lot.
Has anyone else got that problem?
[audience] Yes.
Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot,
but luckily,
I've got these noise-cancelling fists.
[audience laughs]
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?
Raise your partner's hand.
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy laughs]
I'm no good with ages,
especially with young women.
They could be mid-20s.
They could be 15. You just don't know.
[audience chuckles]
Well, there's a story.
So I was in Covent Garden,
very touristy bit of London.
I'm sat on the Piazza there,
having a cup of tea, minding my business.
This beautiful, willowy-looking girl
walks in, sits opposite me,
and just keeps on looking over.
Tons of eye contact,
very flirty, and very obvious about it.
Now, that sort of thing
does not happen to me very often,
so I was incredibly flattered,
but I couldn't tell how old she was,
and I thought,
"Well, I'm not taking a chance."
So I asked.
[audience laughs]
I just straight-up asked. I said,
"Excuse me, do you mind me asking,
how old are you?"
She said, "I'm 23."
I said, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."
[audience laughs and groans]
[audience applauds]
Ah, it's just a joke,
as far as any of you can prove.
[audience laughs]
Last year, I lost my father to dementia.
I guess we could've stuck around
to look for him for longer, but fuck it.
[audience laughs]
The great thing about that,
anyone offended won't remember.
[audience laughs]
I've written a two-word joke,
and I'm quite pleased with this
'cause I've written a joke
for an unsung group within our society,
a group that I don't think
gets the respect that they deserve.
- Stepdads. We got any stepdads in?
- [man cheers]
Oh, you're a stepdad here?
What's your name, my friend?
- Daniel.
- Daniel. I've written you a joke, Daniel.
Won't take long. It's only two words.
Stepdads... motherfuckers.
[audience laughs]
[applauding and cheering]
And Daniel...
no one is telling you how to parent.
I'm sure you do a terrific job as-is.
All I would say is,
the next time you see the kids,
could be as soon as tomorrow morning,
you, you know, point out
the obvious to them.
You say, "Look, kids, 'stepdad'
is an inherently disrespectful term."
"From here on in, 'motherfucker.'"
[audience laughs]
"Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs."
"I'm just gonna nip upstairs
and fuck your mum."
[audience laughs]
Is this the MILF in question?
[audience laughs]
Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage,
you couldn't give a fuck. Good on you.
[audience laughs]
How many socks have you got, Daniel?
Are you not familiar with the term? Socks.
Some Other Cunt's Kids.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[Jimmy laughs]
Climate change. Let's talk about it.
Climate change is like my niece.
It's getting hotter every year.
[audience laughs and groans]
It's not as bad as you think.
She'll be six next month.
[audience groans]
I don't even like the term "niece."
I prefer to say, "NILF."
[audience groans]
My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry,
don't know why I'm telling you that.
I assume she's already told you.
[audience laughs]
Are there any vegans here?
Got vegans in the house?
- [woman] Hey!
- One over there.
- What's your name, my vegan friend?
- Erica.
Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica.
I'm not... I'm not gonna make jokes
about vegan food.
I think it would be tasteless.
[audience laughs]
But I've got a question for you, Erica,
'cause my partner is vegan.
She had a question about veganism.
Maybe you could help.
Uh, she wants to know
is semen okay for vegans?
[audience laughs]
Because if it isn't,
she's gotta stop having tennis lessons.
[audience laughs]
- What do you think, Erica?
- I love semen!
- [audience exclaims and laughs]
- Well...
[audience applauds]
Fair enough.
Probably the only protein you're getting.
- [exclaims]
- [audience laughs]
It's a great answer, Erica.
It's a great answer.
Not the best answer I've ever had.
Best answer I ever had, Erica,
I was doing a gig in London,
and this lady in the front row was vegan.
I said, "Is semen okay for vegans?"
And she went, "Human semen?"
[audience exclaims and laughs]
What the fuck?
How would you even get to that?
I know vegans are meant to love animals,
but sounds like she really loves animals.
[audience laughs]
Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK.
What can be done?
Well, simple solution. Guns.
[audience laughs]
Right, there's no knife crime
in America, is there?
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
Have we got any Americans in?
Any Americans?
- [people cheer]
- A few over there.
- What's your name, sir?
- [man] Ken.
Ken? Of course it is.
[audience laughs]
Totally smooth, is it?
[audience laughs]
Good on you, Ken.
The Americans and the British, we're...
we're divided by a common language.
Right? So... So we would say, "Trousers"
in Great Britain.
Americans would say, "Pants."
We say, "Pavement."
The Americans would say, "Sidewalk."
We'd say, "Unarmed, don't shoot!"
They would say, "Oops."
[audience laughs and exclaims]
I can see there's two sides
to the gun debate in America.
Course there are.
There's two sides to the gun debate.
Some Americans have legitimate reasons
for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles.
Like, what if you want to murder
a lot of children in a hurry?
[audience laughs]
So in America, the Supreme Court
is stopping women from aborting fetuses.
They don't feel, they haven't got hearts,
they're brainless,
yet somehow,
the Supreme Court are in charge.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
When my girlfriend got pregnant,
sure, I thought about all the options.
"Should I, you know,
take care of the problem?"
But then I thought,
"Could I really take a human life?"
Well, two, if you count the fetus.
[audience groans]
Abortion. Let's talk about it, everyone.
Well, I think we'd spend a lot more time
talking about, thinking about,
debating abortion
if we all knew how close we had come.
[audience laughs]
Well, let's do a social experiment
in the theater this evening.
Give me one of those little
ripply applause if and only if
your parents were under the age of 20
when they had you.
- Where are you?
- [scattered applause]
Okay, so anyone applauding,
you need to know there was a conversation.
[audience laughs]
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
All right.
Give me one of those
if you're the youngest of four.
[scattered applause]
Well, you need to know
there was a conversation.
[audience laughs]
And that conversation didn't go Dad's way.
[audience laughs]
All right, give me one of those
if you have a ginger-haired mum.
[audience laughs]
[very scattered applause]
Far fewer of those.
[audience laughs]
And that's 'cause sometimes,
dads really put their fucking foot down.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Are there any anti-vaxxers in?
Is anyone here anti-vax?
[person shouts]
One person over there. Fair enough.
A lot of you didn't make it.
[audience laughs]
- What's your name, my friend?
- [man] Rico.
- Rico.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
- Let's go with that, Rico.
Here's what I think we should do.
You're entitled to your opinion.
Course you are! What I think we should do,
we should have an opt-in, opt-out
on the whole of Western medicine.
Opt-in, opt-out.
So you're either with us, or you're not.
So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico.
Good luck with the polio.
[audience laughs]
Let's see how far you get
on your little Kermit legs.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
I feel pretty confident making that joke,
because no cunt
is getting polio these days.
[audience chuckles]
Do you know why, Rico?
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[laughs] Oh.
The anti-vax people online
won't like that.
Course they're not gonna take the vaccine.
They can't even take a fucking joke.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
This next joke might get me canceled.
[audience chuckles]
Come on.
Transgender people
aren't what they used to be.
[audience laughs]
[scattered cheers]
And really, there's two issues.
There's trans, and there's non-binary.
And they often get conflated in our media,
but they're very separate issues.
Trans and non-binary. So non-binary,
that's the one with the pronouns.
So there's now more pronouns
than there ever used to be.
There's now ten pronouns.
I'll quickly go through it
so we're all on the same page.
The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them,
it, oh, gross, what, is, that?
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
[scattered cheers]
And I'm very onboard. I will call you
what you want to be called.
I will treat you with respect always.
[audience chuckles]
...I'm also gonna make jokes about it.
[audience chuckles]
My pronouns are "he he he"...
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] ...because I identify
as a comedian.
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy chuckles]
Here's a question
just for the ladies in the room.
Who teaches you the towel thing?
[scattered laughs]
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
Every woman in this room
has an ability no man on Earth possesses.
Every woman in here has the ability
to make a perfect turban from a towel.
[audience laughs]
Any towel, any bathroom.
I've traveled the world,
and it's the same toweling origami design
wherever you roam.
It's quite the feat of engineering.
It's up in seconds.
It's there for the day if you want it.
[audience laughs]
Now, no man has ever
even attempted such a thing.
Well, that simple observation
on gender difference,
that, my friends, is how we're going
to sort the whole trans debate.
You're welcome.
[audience laughs]
So if you have gender dysphoria,
we're gonna pop you in a shower.
[audience chuckles]
When you come out,
we're gonna throw you a towel.
We're gonna see how you do.
[audience laughs]
If you make a perfect turban,
the ladies' changing room is this way.
[audience laughs]
If you floss yourself...
[audience laughs and applauds]
...we have a few more questions.
Obviously, I'm not being transphobic,
because trans women are women.
So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny.
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy laughs]
I'm gonna tell you a fact now.
It is mind-blowingly stupid,
but it's true.
Most of my gay friends knew this.
None of my straight friends knew.
Okay, until 1979, globally,
homosexuality was classified
as a mental illness.
An illness!
Does that mean you could phone in sick?
[audience laughs]
"Sorry, boss. No, I can't come in today.
No, no, nothing like that. No."
"No, I can't stop thinking
about dicks and balls and bums."
[audience laughs]
"Nah, it's probably just a 24-hour thing.
Yeah, I'll... No."
[audience laughs]
"No, I'll walk it off."
[audience laughs]
"Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah."
[audience laughs]
They say one man in ten is gay,
but surely one man in just one man
is pretty gay.
[audience laughs]
One man in ten is showboating.
[audience laughs]
I don't like having sex outdoors,
but that is where women walk at night.
[audience laughs and groans]
I used to share a house with a woman
who swore a ghost
was having sex with her in her dreams.
I thought, "Jesus Christ!"
"From now on,
I gotta mash two pills into her food."
[audience laughs]
Only 15% of rapes are ever reported,
and only 2% of those
ever lead to a conviction.
Now, I'm not advocating rape,
but I like those odds.
[audience laughs]
All I'm saying is if rape was a horse,
you'd have a bet on it.
[audience laughs]
Do you want to hear my rape fantasy?
[man] Yeah!
Someone goes to jail for rape.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
It's... I mean,
those are very clearly jokes about rape,
but we don't take rape serious enough
as a society, as a culture.
And I can prove it. It's in our language.
We've still got the phrase "date rape."
We shouldn't be
calling anything "date rape."
And we should be calling
date rape, "rape."
That's what fucking happened.
[audience cheers and applauds]
I tell you, we wouldn't stand for it
if the vast majority of rapes
happened to men, right?
No other crime comes with a qualifier.
You've never had this conversation...
"Did you hear about Steve?"
"What happened to Steve?"
"He got circus murdered."
"Sorry, Steve got murdered?"
"Well, no.
He had a lovely day at the circus,
and then he was murdered.
So, you know... circus murdered."
[audience laughs]
You can hear it now.
"Date rape," my ass.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
Obviously, don't.
Well, so far, we've covered rape,
child abuse, domestic violence, abortion,
murder, gun control, and trans issues.
We're right on schedule, everyone.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Yay.
Obviously, telling jokes with that kind
of subject matter, I'm gonna get canceled.
That's the bad news.
The good news is I'm going down swinging.
[audience laughs]
You hear some horror stories
about cancel culture.
I heard a story
about a woman in London last year.
She got canceled. Lost her job,
lost friends, lost status.
Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman.
She worked for a charity
that helps the learning disabled,
and she got canceled over a typo.
Can you believe that? A typo.
You know how the G and the T are
right next to each other on the keyboard?
Easy enough mistake to make.
The G and the are right there next to each other.
Well, what she wanted to write
at the end of the letter
to the charity supporters was,
"Kind regards."
[audience laughs slowly]
Now if you've not got that yet...
[audience laughs]
...the charity she was working for
was helping people like you.
[audience laughs and applauds]
[Jimmy laughs]
This woke nonsense,
it's gone too far, hasn't it?
When's it gonna stop?
We've even got a male queen now.
[audience laughs]
The last time I got canceled,
I upset the gypsies.
Thankfully, they've moved on.
[audience laughs]
You can't go around apologizing for jokes.
They're jokes.
So I've got a plan.
The next time I get canceled over a joke,
the next time I upset people with a joke,
I'm going to come out
on the day of the cancellation,
I'm going to make a statement,
a public statement.
I'm going to say,
I've rehearsed this, I'm gonna say...
[sarcastically] "I'm sorry."
[audience laughs]
And the people
that I've offended will say,
"You don't really mean that apology."
And I'll say, "So you're saying
I could say something and not mean it."
"Now you're getting it."
[audience laughs and applauds]
Of course, sometimes in life,
and you'll all know this,
sometimes in life, you find yourself
having to make an apology,
but what you really want to say
is, "Fuck you."
[audience laughs]
And there's a phrase for that.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
[audience laughs]
It's an amazing expression.
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
has got all the "fuck you" attitude.
You know what you mean.
They know what you mean.
[audience laughs]
They can't touch you for it.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
[audience laughs]
The English language is good like that.
It's very nuanced, the English language.
Like "good luck" is a great example.
"Good luck" is a nice thing
to say to anyone, isn't it? Good luck.
But add the words "with that."
[audience laughs]
Suddenly, a very different meaning.
"Good luck with that." Ah,
you might as well have shat in their oven.
[audience laughs]
And jokes... To me, jokes are like magnets.
They attract some people, great to see you
out this evening for a laugh,
but like magnets,
they attract and they repel.
Some people are repelled by my jokes,
and they're sat at home now,
online, trying to get me canceled.
And to those people I say,
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
[audience laughs]
"Good luck with that."
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs boisterously]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Okay, well, I feel warmed up.
Shall we try some controversial jokes?
[audience] Yeah!
- I'm serious.
- [audience laughs]
Let's take it up a notch.
I'll tell you
who I think's gonna get canceled.
'Cause they fucked a kid
and then they talked about it.
Hundred percent,
God is gonna get canceled.
[audience laughs]
Strap in. This is happening.
[audience laughs]
Well, Mary was 14
when the Holy Ghost "came upon her."
[audience laughs]
They say "came upon her,"
but some of it went in. Come on.
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
"The Holy Ghost."
I think the "holy" in question
was Mary's vajayjay, wasn't it?
[audience laughs]
So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary,
Mary never heard
from the Holy Spirit again.
Talk about getting ghosted.
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy laughs]
Do you think when Mary,
mother of God, was fucking Joseph...
Your favorite, Daniel.
The original motherfucker.
[audience laughs]
You never think of Jesus as a sock,
but he was.
[audience laughs]
Do you think when Mary... [chuckles]
...was fucking Joseph
and Joseph made Mary come,
Mary shouted, "God!"
[audience laughs]
Awkward. That's her ex.
[audience laughs]
Well, what was the alternative,
"Jesus Christ"?
[audience laughs]
He's in the next room
thinking, "Shut up, Mum!"
[audience laughs]
Someone came up to me after a show,
like, very earnestly, and went,
"Jesus died for your sins."
I thought, "Oh, great, so now I've killed
the son of God and two prostitutes."
[audience laughs]
All right, let's class this up, shall we?
Let's class up this gig.
When Michelangelo
was commissioned by the Vatican
to paint The Creation of Adam,
he really knew his audience,
and that's why he gave Adam
a child's penis.
[audience laughs and groans]
[audience laughs and applauds]
You all know the story
of Adam and Eve, right?
So God took one of Adam's ribs
in order to make Eve,
but God had taken one of Adam's ribs,
so, suddenly, Adam didn't need Eve.
He could suck his own cock.
[audience laughs]
Silly old God.
[audience laughs]
And look, I tell these jokes now.
I'm an atheist now.
I wasn't always. I was raised Catholic,
used to go to church all the time.
Late teens, early twenties,
I thought I might want to be a priest.
[audience laughs mildly]
But fundamentally, I've just
never found kids that attractive.
[audience laughs and groans]
For me, it's more a hobby.
I couldn't do it as a full-time job.
[audience laughs]
Are there Christians in,
thinking, "That was all a bit much"?
Don't worry. It's all made up.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Now, we are a little bit tight for time,
so I probably can't do my Islamic bit.
[audience laughs and groans]
- [audience members] Do it!
- [encouraging and cheering]
Well, obviously, I'm not going to be
telling the same jokes about Muhammad
I'd feel very comfortable
telling about Jesus Christ,
and that's because, fun fact,
I'm not a fucking idiot.
[audience laughs]
So if you're a Christian,
and you're sat there thinking,
"That's not fair. He'll make jokes
about Christians all day long,
but he won't make
the same sort of jokes about Muslims,"
well, then, maybe, as a Christian,
you should think
about blowing something up.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
No one's scared of you.
What are the Christians gonna do,
forgive me?
[audience laughs]
- [laughs]
- [audience cheers and applauds]
Here's my big news.
Here's what's going on in my life,
uh, since I was last out. Um...
I'm a father now. I had kids. I'm a dad.
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you.
Very nice of you.
Now a lot of famous people
give their kids unusual names
and live to regret it.
Some people consider my boy's name
to be somewhat unusual,
but then they see his little face,
and he does just look like an Adolf.
[audience laughs]
We're having a gender reveal for our kid,
but we're gonna wait until it's 21.
We want to be sure.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
They have gender reveal parties.
You've all heard
of the gender reveal party.
But you never hear
about a "Are we keeping it?" party.
[audience laughs]
Eleven weeks into the pregnancy,
and you've baked a cake.
Is it shaped like a baby
or a vacuum cleaner?
[audience groans]
I have two kids now.
Couldn't pick a favorite.
Little Jimmy and the other one.
[audience laughs]
Our boy cried all the time.
We found the only thing
that calmed him down
was to be in the car
with the engine running.
Pro tip, open the garage door.
[audience laughs]
Now, you don't have to,
but if you don't open the garage door,
you run a very real risk of
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
[softly] Bless you, Rico. Bless you.
People that get freaked out
by breastfeeding in public,
they can fuck off. I'm right?
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty.
[audience laughs]
We've all tried it.
Here's a strange thing.
So whenever I visit friends
that have had a baby,
they always tell me the same thing,
they always go, "The baby has a soft bit
on the top of its head
where the skull is yet to fully form."
Why are they telling me that?
So I know the weak spot
if the baby attacks?
[audience laughs]
What did they think I was going to do,
pick it up like a fucking bowling ball?
- [audience laughs]
- [mimics gripping]
"Where do you want this baby?"
My girlfriend wants me
to have my sperm frozen
just in case she ever wants to have,
you know, a come-flavored popsicle.
[audience laughs]
The first few weeks after the birth
of the child can be incredibly tough,
so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression,
try not to see your wife naked.
[audience groans]
[audience member whistles loudly]
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it,
but I'm not wrong.
[audience laughs]
Have we got mums in?
Where are the mums? Give us a shout.
Loads of mums. We got any single mums?
[scattered cheers]
- Okay, let's hear from all the mums again.
- [cheering]
You're all single mums.
[audience laughs]
All mums are single mums.
That's my theory.
It's the hardest job in the world,
being a mum.
It's a 24/7, 365,
never-ending task, being a mum,
and to your credit, ladies,
you're all doing it on your own.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Yeah.
Sure, sure, some of you
have got dads... there.
[audience laughs]
But, really, stop and think about it.
What are dads actually doing?
- [audience laughs]
- Dads are, at best,
babysitting their own children...
[audience laughs]
...until Mum gets back.
[audience cheers and applauds]
And I realize that is disrespectful
to stay-at-home dads,
but, seriously,
what are those pussies gonna do?
[audience laughs]
Have we got any stay-at-home dads in?
'Course not! They're at home.
[audience laughs]
Look, my point is parents are judged
by vastly different metrics, even today.
It's crazy, but it's true.
To be considered a good mum,
what do you gotta be?
Loving, nurturing, kind,
attentive, always on-call, right?
Not easy to be considered a good mum.
To be considered a good dad,
you just gotta not fuck off.
[audience laughs]
You've all had that conversation.
"He's a good dad." "What do you mean?"
"He's still there."
[audience laughs]
That mug that says "World's Best Dad"
should just read, "Still Here."
[audience laughs]
"Too Lazy To Leave."
[audience chuckles]
Being a dad is amazing.
You... You should try it, ladies.
[audience laughs]
It's like being a mum
with none of the responsibility.
[audience laughs]
Being a mum is a full-time job.
Being a dad is a lovely hobby.
[audience laughs]
Look, I'll pitch you ladies being a dad.
Being a dad, it's like being royalty
within your own home.
[audience chuckles]
I get wheeled out
for big occasions and photo opportunities.
[audience laughs]
"Oh, hello, you must be my child.
Very nice to see you."
[audience laughs]
"And this is your sister, is it?"
[audience laughs]
"It's another child of mine?
Charmed, I'm sure."
[audience laughs]
Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck.
[audience laughs]
Cutting a ribbon,
cutting an umbilical cord,
it's the same skill set, isn't it?
I'm royalty!
Being a dad is like being...
It's like being the co-pilot of the house.
I take over when Mum takes a nap.
But takeoff, landing,
heaven forfend there's turbulence...
Basically, if shit gets real,
it's my job to wake her up,
and try not to fuck the stewardess.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Mums are like boxers.
They're in the ring,
they're taking punches, they're bleeding.
Mums are in the fight.
Dads, we're more like cornermen.
We're sat on a stool,
shouting encouragement.
I'm squirting shit in her mouth.
She's spitting into a bucket.
[audience laughs]
It's fine.
We've been together a long time.
It's my job to throw in the towel.
But first, I'm gonna have to ask her
where we keep the towels.
[audience laughs]
Have we got any dads in?
Where are all the dads?
- [cheering]
- Loads of dads.
You ever do this? You get asked
to do a job round the house,
you don't like the sound of it,
so you do it really bad the first time
so you never get asked again?
[audience laughs]
Well, long story short, I didn't like
the sound of bathing the baby.
[audience laughs]
Oh, well, I'll check on it
when I get back.
[audience laughs]
That's one of those jobs
you don't even need to fuck up.
You just need to suggest
you're going to fuck it up.
"Bath the baby? Not a problem, love.
I'll just boil the kettle."
[audience laughs]
I'll tell you what no one told me about,
and we should all be talking
about this, Christmas.
Christmas is incredible for dads,
because it's not just the kids
that get a wonderful surprise
on Christmas morning
when they tear open their gifts.
Us dads are sat there thinking,
"Oh! I wonder what we got them."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus.
All we know for sure
is we were not involved.
[audience laughs]
Sat there thinking... [chuckles]
Sat there thinking,
"That looks expensive. Who got you that?"
[audience laughs]
- "Did I?"
- [audience laughs]
[mouthing] "For fuck's sake, love."
If you've ever thanked your father
for a Christmas gift,
you're a fucking idiot.
[audience laughs]
Here's what happened last week.
My kid walked in on me having sex
and freaked out.
He said, "Are you trying to hurt Mummy?"
I said, "Well, of course not."
He said, "Well, then you better not
let her catch you fucking the nanny."
[audience laughs and groans]
Look, I was worried
about becoming a father
because this is what I do for a living,
I tell edgy jokes.
And I was worried, becoming a dad,
I'd get all sentimental
and I would lose some of that edge.
So I'm gonna tell you a story now,
true story.
I don't tell many true stories on stage,
so please indulge me.
Uh, this is from the day
I became a father.
So if you've not had kids,
you might not know,
you've got the go bag by the front door.
It's everything you're gonna need
for the hospital in one bag.
You got the babygrows, the nappies,
the wash bag,
the nightie, the dressing gown.
It's all in the go bag
so you're good to go when the time comes.
Now, you pack it quite early
when it's your first kid.
Seriously. My dick wasn't dry,
we had the go bag ready.
[audience laughs]
And a good job too,
because 34 weeks into the pregnancy,
we had a medical emergency.
We got rushed to hospital,
we had to have an emergency
Cesarean section at 34 weeks,
which was gut-wrenching.
[audience groans and laughs]
Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks,
you find out very quickly as a parent,
it's all about lung development.
Are the baby's lungs gonna be
developed enough to breathe unaided,
or is there going to have to be
a medical intervention, intubation,
and all of the associated drama?
Now, thankfully, my child's lungs
were developed enough
that he could breathe unaided,
but he was very premature.
So the average birth weight in the UK,
about eight pounds.
He was under four pounds.
[audience members exclaim]
They handed me my son,
umbilical cord still attached,
he fit in the palms of my hands.
And it's very binary for men.
We don't have nine months
of pregnancy and hormones
to get our head around
the idea of being parents.
We're not, and then suddenly we are.
Suddenly, there's something
in the world more important than us,
and it needs looking after,
and that's our job.
And my first job as a parent,
first thing I ever had to do for my boy,
was to find him something to wear.
[audience laughs]
Because in the aforementioned go bag,
I brought babygrows for a full-term baby,
'cause that's what
everyone thinks they're gonna get.
Life doesn't always work out that way.
So we had this little premature baby
to take care of,
so the nurses told me where to go.
There's a clothing store,
they've got everything for kids,
about three blocks from the hospital,
got everything,
and they've got this section
of stuff for premature babies.
Now, I'd never seen the babygrows
for a premature baby.
If you've not seen them,
they're heartbreakers.
You can't believe a human being
could fit into something
so fragile and delicate and tiny.
They're like dolls' clothes.
So I rushed in there,
I picked up what they had in his size,
they had three in his size,
so I grabbed them
and I took them up to the counter.
And this lovely lady behind the counter
said, "Do you want the coat hangers?"
I said,
"I think it's a bit late for that."
[audience laughs]
Oh, the relief!
[audience laughs]
I'd been a dad about 90 minutes,
I thought, "This changes nothing!"
[audience laughs]
It's a genuinely true story.
The look on her face...
[audience laughs]
And then I did want the coat hangers,
and she didn't want to give 'em to me.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
My girlfriend put me on the spot recently.
She said, "What are my ten best features?"
I said, "I like your optimism."
[audience laughs]
"Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love."
[audience laughs]
"I couldn't name three. I'm still here."
Who's engaged to be married?
Is anyone here engaged?
[scattered cheers]
You... You guys are engaged, down here.
Fab. What's your name, sir?
- Chris.
- Chris.
- Uh, and you're from...
- 'Stralia.
'Stralia. Which bit of 'Stralia?
- Sydney.
- Sydney. We've heard of it.
I love it. Okay, and you're from...
- Here.
- From here. What's your name, madam?
- Leann.
- Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris.
Well, congratulations.
What was the proposal like?
That's always my question.
Because there's the middle class
and the working class.
Those are the two... Are you all familiar?
I'll... I'll go through it.
Okay, so your middle-class proposal,
it's... it's your classic, your clich,
the man goes down on one knee,
he's got the ring in a box,
opens the ring box,
diamond glimmers in her eyes,
places the ring on her finger.
She knows what's going on.
She's no dummy. But he says it anyway.
[sobs] "Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?"
[audience laughs]
She cries, he cries,
there's often a snot bubble.
It's a very emotional day.
And then there's a photo shoot
with her finger
so it doesn't look fat in the photo...
[audience laughs]
...that must be sent
to everyone she's ever fucking met.
That's your classic middle-class proposal.
It's a clich, but it's a clich
'cause it works for people.
And that's as distinct
from the working-class proposal.
Little bit different.
That's where the woman...
Not the man, thank you very much.
...where the woman
pisses on a stick.
[audience laughs]
[whistles melodically]
"We're getting married."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Which... Which one was it?
[both] The last one.
The last one. Yeah, well, that's...
There's no shame in it.
Double congratulations, guys.
Well, fair enough.
He's from... He's from Australia.
It's considered posh there
if your baby's tattoos
are spelled correctly.
[audience laughs]
Who's in this situation?
Who's in a long-term relationship,
but he's not asked yet?
Well, the... there's a big one there.
Which... Which guy?
- This guy. How long you been together?
- [woman] Ten and a half years.
Ten and a half years, okay.
What's your name, madam?
- Daniela.
- Daniela. Hi, Daniela.
- Hi.
- And what's your name, sir?
- Louie.
- Louie.
Daniela, do you wanna know why
Louie hasn't asked you to marry him?
'Cause I could tell you.
I can see it from here.
[audience laughs and groans]
And the irony's gonna kill you, Daniela,
'cause the reason
he's not gonna ask you to marry him
is the same reason that you love that man.
I say "man." I should say "boy,"
because there's a child in those eyes.
You're a dreamer, aren't you, Louie?
He's a dreamer, Daniela.
He's a dreamer,
and he thinks one day he could do better.
[audience laughs and exclaims]
[audience cheers and applauds]
But I don't want you to worry.
[audience laughs]
'Cause one day,
he will give up and settle.
[audience laughs]
[Jimmy laughs]
My point, ladies,
is proposals are not romantic.
There's a reason
men propose on their knees.
They've fucking given up.
[audience laughs]
I don't really understand
mother-in-law jokes.
I've never really got
what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be,
because, really,
what is your mother-in-law?
When you think about it,
gentlemen, it's Christmas Future.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. Let that sink in.
Your mother-in-law,
that's what you've got in the post.
[audience laughs]
So you guys are getting married, right?
- Have you met her mum?
- Yes.
You have? Okay.
So if you picture her mum now,
in your mind's eye,
if you can't imagine yourself
hanging out the back of it...
[audience laughs]
...then I don't think this relationship
really has a future, so...
Here's my question to you,
and I hate to put you on the spot.
Would you fuck her mum?
[audience laughs]
I'm gonna need an answer on this.
A yes or a no. It's gotta be yes or no.
- Yes.
- You're saying yes. Just...
[audience laughs and exclaims]
It's the right answer.
[audience laughs and applauds]
I realize that might feel
slightly uncomfortable,
but that's the right answer.
That means he loves you for reals.
'Cause... I'll explain what's going on.
You're marrying this beautiful woman.
You're a beautiful woman...
[audience laughs]
But you're gonna morph into your mum
over the next 25 years.
There's nothing we can do about that.
That is just nature.
And your mum is,
let's assume, a fucking state.
[audience laughs]
Some offense.
But at no point
is he going to look at you and go,
"Ooh, no, I'd be thumbing in a softie.
I'm out."
- This is...
- [audience laughs]
This is actually very romantic.
Maybe... I don't know
if you're writing your own vows,
but maybe we could
work this into your big day.
At some point, he could clink a glass...
"Do I love her?
I'll say. I'd fuck her mum."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Now, have we got young men in,
18, 19 years of age, out with family?
- That's what we're looking for.
- [man] Yeah.
- What's your name, man?
- [man] Jacob.
- Who are you here with?
- [Jacob] My dad.
- Your dad?
- [Jacob] Yeah.
- What age are you, Jacob?
- [Jacob] Nineteen.
[mimics accent] Nineteen. Jacob.
[audience laughs]
All right, Jacob.
Look, I'll explain what's going on.
So... women, very good at communicating,
not just with each other,
Women talk to girls,
let them know what's up,
and that's why girls
are not fucking dummies.
- Young men could be fucking dummies.
- [audience laughs]
It's not your fault, Jacob.
It's our fault, it's society's fault.
There's not enough sex education
for young men.
Well, that changes now.
[audience laughs]
Jacob, we're gonna have the talk.
- [audience laughs]
- Have you had the talk with your dad?
[audience laughs]
Well, don't worry, Jacob.
I'm your daddy now.
[audience laughs]
The reason I wanted to talk to you,
there've been some exciting developments
in dating, Jacob.
Consent has become very popular.
[audience laughs]
Oh, consent is all the rage these days.
It's the new fingerblasting, Jacob.
[audience laughs]
Are you familiar with the shocker?
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.
- [audience laughs]
- You're right. He's only young.
Two in the goo, one in the poo.
There, fine.
[audience laughs]
Here's everything you need to know
about consent, young Padawan.
Consent is a one-use deal.
One consent per action. Yeah?
So a thumbs-up to "May I kiss you?"
cannot, will not, ever give you
blanket cover for the evening, Jacob.
You can't then assume the fucking
and the anal and the facial.
- No, Jacob. No.
- [audience laughs]
One consent per action.
Think of it like condoms. One use only.
Sure, a young lady might tell you
she cares deeply about the environment,
but you should see her face
when you're rinsing out a condom.
[audience laughs]
Even Greta Thunberg would say,
"No, no, throw a fresh one up me."
[audience laughs]
Well, let me ask
the grown men in the room.
Who thinks it ruins the romance
to ask for consent
at every stage of a sexual encounter?
[scattered men] Yeah.
Well, you may be rapists.
[audience laughs]
Not good role models for you, Jacob.
His idea of safe sex
is wearing a balaclava.
[audience laughs]
He thinks foreplay's an uncovered drink.
[audience groans]
His favorite chat-up line is,
"Does anyone know you're here?"
[audience laughs]
But you, you know, you're 19.
We can mold you, as from clay,
into the man we want to see in the future.
This is exciting.
Here's the key thing.
Communication, Jacob.
Talk to the girl that you're with.
Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy.
Talk to the girl.
- [audience applauds]
- That's it. It's that simple.
Ask her, "Do you mind
if I touch you there?"
"Is it okay if we try this?"
"Is it in yet?"
[audience laughs]
And really, I think we need
to rebrand consent for men of your age,
because for young men,
consent sounds like the boring bit
before the fun happens.
It's the paperwork
before you get your hands on the jet ski.
That analogy works best
if she's a squirter.
[audience laughs]
Ask your mum.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
But consent can be half the fun,
because really, consent,
all it is is dirty talk done right.
"But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?"
Great question, Jacob. I'll tell you.
[audience laughs]
Three elements
to getting dirty talk right.
Element one, right, uh, say what you see.
Check everyone is on the same page.
"I'm hard. You're wet."
Stating the obvious
like a sexual Rain Man.
[audience laughs]
Stage two, say what you want to happen.
Nine times out of ten,
it's gonna be, "I wanna fuck you."
You'd struggle to mess it up, Jacob.
You're a bright boy.
[audience laughs]
[laughing] Stage three...
[audience chuckles]
...ask questions. And here's
the great news, there's no bad questions.
Ask what you want.
"Do you want a thumb in your bum?"
[audience laughs]
"Will you put your thumb in my bum?"
It's all good.
[audience laughs]
Let's talk about enthusiastic consent.
Jacob, have you heard the phrase,
"Enthusiastic consent"?
- No, I haven't.
- Okay. Well, it's a great idea.
It's a bad expression. I don't love it.
"Enthusiastic consent" makes it sound
like she's gotta make a banner
saying, "Fuck me, Jacob,"
dressed as a cheerleader
with the pom-poms and the dancing.
That'd be lovely. Not necessary.
All enthusiastic consent means
is what she says and her body language
need to match up perfectly.
It needs to make sense.
So no means no. You know that?
Of course you do.
Yes does not always mean yes.
I'll explain.
So if a girl says yes to sex with you,
but she says it through gritted teeth,
like she's in a fucking horror movie...
[audience laughs]
"Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
If a girl says yes to sex with you
but she's physically tensing,
like something's going to hit her
in the stomach, don't fuck her.
Great rule of thumb for you,
if she's stiffer than your dick,
don't fuck her.
[audience laughs]
Okay, well, look, we've covered
the basics. You seem like a bright boy.
- Should we take it up a gear?
- [audience] Yeah.
Jacob, do you know how to tell
when a woman is ovulating?
[scattered laughing]
Yeah, that's women giggling,
and men going, "What?"
[audience laughs]
You can tell when a woman is ovulating,
'cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob,
she'll fuck you.
[audience laughs]
All the women in here know.
There are women in here right now
with men they wouldn't have looked at
twice anywhere else in their cycle.
They were ovulating, so they fucked him.
[audience laughs]
The funny thing is
there are men in this room
that think they seduced that woman.
No. She was ovulating.
She would have fucked anyone that night.
[audience chuckles]
Basically, when she's ovulating,
her pussy is eating her thigh.
- [growling]
- [audience laughs]
[continues growling]
I don't do many impersonations. [growls]
I do a very passable ravenous vagina.
- [growls]
- [audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
And look, I know
this might seem patronizing.
You're... You're 19, I'm 50.
I'm talking down to you
literally and metaphorically,
but I want you
to get something out of this,
so I'm gonna share
with you now the best advice I've ever had
on women, dating, and relationships.
This is wisdom
passed down through the ages.
You thought you're seeing
a comedy show with your dad.
It's bigger than that, Jacob.
Tonight... Tonight, you become a man.
[audience chuckles]
This is some fucking Lion King shit.
[audience laughs]
You ready, Jacob?
- Yes.
- [Jimmy] Okay.
If you live by this,
I think you're gonna do all right.
[scattered laughing]
You ready?
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
That's it. That's it.
If you meet a girl, Jacob,
doesn't matter how attractive she is,
if she seems a bit mental,
don't stick your dick in it.
[audience laughs]
I want you to view that woman
as you would a food blender.
[audience laughs and groans]
Have you got a food blender in the house?
Of course you have.
You ever put your dick in it? No.
Real smart. Same-same.
[audience laughs]
Don't stick your dick in crazy.
And look, you might be a dreamer.
I don't know, Jacob.
You might be thinking even now,
"Yeah, but what if it's a supermodel
from Paris?"
Well, if it is, and she's talking to you,
she's definitely fucking mental.
[audience laughs]
All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob.
Let's see where he's at.
[audience chuckles and exclaims]
You're gonna do fine, Jacob.
Are you aware, Jacob,
there are different types of consent?
Sure, yeah.
[audience laughs]
Talk us through them, Jacob.
[audience laughs]
That's a little bonus lesson
for you, Jacob.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, kid.
[audience laughs]
I'll walk you through this.
So, you've got...
You've got consent to fuck.
That's the big one.
The headline act. "Consent to fuck."
That gets all the attention, Jacob,
but there's other consents.
There's consent
to get your dick out, Jacob.
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
When's a good time
to get your dick out, Jacob?
[audience laughs]
I'll tell you what.
Let's workshop this.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, let's gamify it.
We're laughing and we're learning.
What fun we're having.
I'm gonna give you some scenarios,
right, you've just gotta
tell me yes or no.
Is it a good time to get your dick out?
You up for this, Jacob?
Give him some encouragement.
It's Jacob, everyone.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- That's right.
That's right. Good on you. Now...
So, first scenario, Jacob.
You've asked a girl out on a date.
She's agreed to go on a date with you.
And why wouldn't she,
you fucking dreamboat?
[audience laughs]
You pick her up at hers at seven
in the evening, you ring the doorbell.
She answers the door.
She's all dressed up for the date.
You're stood there, dick out, ding-dong.
[audience laughs]
Let her see
what you've got in store for her.
Pointless wasting her time if she doesn't
like the look of the merchandise.
- What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no?
- That's a no.
- "That's a no" is the right answer!
- [audience cheers and applauds]
Perfect. One for one.
Second scenario, right.
You're having dinner with the girl.
It's going great,
the conversation is flowing easily.
You're laughing at her jokes,
she's laughing at yours.
There's a bit of chemistry in the air.
You say, "Look, enjoy dessert,
but leave room for this sweet dick."
[audience laughs]
What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no?
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[audience laughs]
That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was...
[audience laughs]
You're in a restaurant...
[audience laughs]
In a public place. There's food around.
[audience laughs]
- Yes or no, Jacob?
- Okay, no.
Is the right answer.
[audience applauds]
Third scenario.
You're back at hers.
There's no one else in the house.
You're on the sofa, making out,
kissing and a-cuddling.
You've got her top off.
[mimics honking]
[audience laughs]
Sidebar, you make the noise in your head.
[audience laughs]
Well, if I don't tell him, who will?
[audience laughs]
I feel like I've solved a mystery there
for quite a lot of the ladies.
You've always wondered what that
gormless expression on his face was
when he was honking away
on your tits. [mimics honking]
Clown horn in his head.
It takes concentration.
- [audience chuckles]
- All right, Jacob.
So you're making out with her,
you've got her top off,
she's wetter than a submarine
with a screen door. Oh!
[audience laughs]
Oh, it's like an otter's pocket.
[audience laughs]
Wetter than a penguin on a Slip 'N Slide.
- [audience laughs]
- What do you think, Jacob?
- Good time to get your dick out?
- Yes.
No, Jacob! No!
Bad boy! Dirty boy!
No! Don't get your dick out!
Don't get your dick out!
Never get... Look at me!
Don't get your dick out! Bad boy!
Dirty boy!
Don't get your dick out!
Never get your dick...
Never get your dick out!
Don't get your dick out!
Never get your dick out, Jacob!
Let her get your dick out.
[audience laughs]
Then you're gold. Then you're gold!
[audience cheers and applauds]
Thank you so much for being out.
I really appreciate everyone.
That's it. Thank you very much, everyone!
Cheers. Good night!
Thank you very much.
It's very sweet of you. Cheers.
Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Take care. Safe home. Good night.
[audience cheers wildly]
[cheering continues]