Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits (2019) Movie Script

I got gas in the tank
I got money in the bank
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
Someone came up to me in the street
and said, "Are you Jimmy Carr,
or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?"
I said, "Both."
I've been described
as the hardest-working man in comedy,
which is... not that impressive, is it?
I mean, "the hardest-working man,"
that's good,
but "in comedy" takes the shine
off that compliment.
The hardest-working man in comedy.
It's like being the best-looking guy
in the burns unit.
No offense to any burns victims
we have here.
Are there any burns victims in?
I mean, if there's one, there'll be
loads. They tend to stick together.
And we're off!
That's a very good
reaction to that joke,
because that joke is very much
a canary in the mine.
That is there to test the air.
If you're sat there thinking,
"That was funny,"
you're in for a lovely evening.
If you're thinking,
"That was a bit much, actually..."
It's going to be
a fucking long night for you.
Do you know the average person
laughs out loud
ten times a day?
Not everyone, obviously.
If you work in a hospice
or with learning disabled adults...
it could be ten times that.
Sky's the limit. Dare to dream.
They say that laughter
is the best medicine.
So maybe, just maybe,
if we all keep
laughing at people in wheelchairs...
You look slightly concerned
there, madam.
Let me just take a
moment to reassure you.
During that last joke,
no-one in a wheelchair
has ever walked out.
Look, before we start properly,
we should probably talk
about how PC works in comedy,
because there are rules and regulations
that govern what I can
and what I can't say up here on stage.
So basically, how PC works in comedy is,
if you're directly involved
or affected by something,
you get a free pass.
You're allowed to joke about that thing.
So, for example, disabled people
could joke about disability.
Homosexual people
could joke about being gay.
Black or Asian people
could joke about race.
Those are the rules.
So these two pedophiles
walk into a park...
A lot of people don't think pedophiles
should be allowed to live
anywhere near schools.
But it does reduce
their carbon footprint.
If you're scared of pedophiles...
grow up.
Now, I don't want to offend anyone
here this evening with my language.
I know certain people have got
certain words they just don't like.
So to avoid causing offense
unnecessarily tonight,
if I refer to a vagina at any point,
which I'm bound to do...
You know the kind of comedian I am.
But if I refer to a vagina at any point
this evening, I'll call it...
What's the least offensive term?
Front bottom?
No-one's offended
by the term "front bottom," are they?
So, for this evening,
"front bottom" and "back cunt."
Let's keep this classy, shall we?
When Donald Trump first took to office,
little did he know...
Trump ran on wanting to build a wall.
And I think that's his one good idea,
because walls work.
It's irrefutable. Yeah.
I was in China last year.
I didn't see one Mexican.
When I was younger,
I couldn't talk to women,
because I was hiding in their wardrobes
It's very difficult
to get the first kiss right.
You want to be firm, but gentle.
You want to be manly,
you don't want to wake her up.
You've got to be very
careful with jokes,
especially gentlemen.
Men get carried away with jokes.
Men joke in inopportune situations.
Men often joke in the bedroom.
That's never a good idea.
Yeah, it's quite funny to say to a girl
who's going down on you,
"It's rude to talk
with your mouth full."
But it's even funnier if she says,
"Well, it's not full."
I had a friend that used to self-harm,
because he was bullied.
I used to think...
"Whose side are you on?"
If there's a fight,
I let my fists do the talking.
"Please don't hurt me."
If a giant ape and a table tennis
champion got into an argument
over a karaoke machine
in the Far East...
would the newspaper headline be:
"Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong
Sing-Song Ding Dong"?
That's quite a silly joke.
I was trying to write the shortest joke
possible, so I wrote a four-word joke.
Venison's dear, isn't it?
Then a three-word joke.
Stationery store moves.
And then a blink and you'll miss it,
two-word joke.
Dwarf shortage.
I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs.
Very little.
Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs,
but I never tell them that I love them,
because I don't want them
to get big-headed.
I was in Brussels last year doing shows
and something interesting happened
when I was in Brussels,
which you don't get to say every day.
They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo.
And they told you on the news
how they make baby pandas.
Yeah. It's not how you think.
It's not a mommy panda
and a daddy panda fucking.
Pandas are not down to fuck.
They're sort of like the opposite
of girls from Dublin.
There's a look of civic pride there
from some of the ladies.
A look as if to say,
"We do like the D."
So if you want to have a baby panda,
what you do
is you phone up the Chinese authorities.
All pandas in the world are Chinese.
They'll lend you a panda.
They're not giving away their pandas.
So you phone up the Chinese authorities,
they send over a panda fertility expert.
Here's where it gets interesting.
This panda fertility expert
brings with him, in his luggage,
a full-size, man-size,
dress-up, zip-up panda outfit,
replete with enormous panda head.
Who knew?
That's not his name.
I'm saying I did not know that.
So he flies to Brussels,
he's got the outfit with him,
he says hello to everyone
at Brussels Zoo,
friendly enough, as well he might be,
and then it's right down to business.
He dresses up from head to toe
as a panda,
pops on his big panda head,
walks into Mr. Panda's enclosure
dressed from head to toe as a panda
and he, uh...
He wanks off Mr. Panda.
Dressed as a panda.
So if anyone here's thinking,
"Oh, I've had a tough week at work..."
Have you?
Have you, though?
Did you wank off a panda?
No, you fucking didn't.
So he wanks off a panda,
dressed as a panda.
Incidentally, that is the day
to visit the zoo. Am I right?
"Come here, kids.
You're not going to believe this.
I don't think that one's
even a real panda."
So he wanks off a panda,
dressed as a panda,
they collect the panda semen...
Otherwise, what just happened?
"Who was that bloke?"
"I thought he was with you."
"Shit, it's happened again."
So they collect the panda semen
and then they wait.
They wait until the female panda
is asleep in her enclosure.
And then they creep into the female
panda's enclosure as she sleeps
and they artificially inseminate
the female panda as she sleeps.
I'm not sure who does that.
I presume Bill Cosby.
I bloody love show business.
Every night after the show,
I have attractive women
banging on my dressing room door,
and sometimes...
I let them out.
Are you alright at the back?
How are the people up there?
Excellent news.
Sometimes, if I see a show,
if I'm at the back of the room,
I've got a weird fear of missing out.
I feel like, "Are people having more fun
down here than we're having at the back?"
But there's advantages
to sitting at the back,
because you get
more of a sense of occasion,
more of a sense of
people coming together
and sharing a sense of humor,
that great music hall spirit.
You get more of a sense of that
from the back of the room.
And the other advantage
to sitting at the back
is this sort of thing won't happen.
I fucked your mum.
That's not going to
happen to any of you.
I've got nothing but respect
for your mums.
Hard-working, decent women.
I still owe your mum 20 Euro.
That's right. I paid for everyone.
Sorry, I've been terribly rude there.
Sir, what's your name?
What do you do, Shane?
I'm still in school.
You're in school?
How old are you, Shane?
You're 18?
Okay, Shane.
And who are you here with, Shane?
My dad.
Your dad?
No, Shane.
You're with the man
you think is your dad.
Could be any one of us.
Well, apologies, Shane,
because, I mean, this evening
does not work out well for you.
Your mum gets quite a few mentions.
I hope you're going
to be okay with that.
Are you going to be alright?
You're in for quite
a rough ride tonight.
Is what I said to your mum
the last time I saw her.
It's that sort of thing
pretty much fucking continually. Okay.
When I'm away from home,
I sometimes get love sick.
Well, they call it chlamydia.
I was in a hotel having breakfast
and the waiter said to me,
"Do you want white or brown toast?"
I said, "All toast is brown.
You're thinking of bread."
He said, "What room are you in?"
I said, "It's the dining room."
I was on tour recently
and walked into a hotel room,
and on the TV screen, it just said,
"The adult channel is disabled."
I thought, "That's a bit specialist.
How did they know I'd be into that?"
Lucky guess.
A lot of people text whilst driving.
I'm not excusing it,
but we've all done things we regret
when we're drunk.
We have all done things we regret
when we're drunk.
Some of you may be with one of them
this evening.
Some very good sideways
glancing going on.
Backseat drivers, they're all the same,
aren't they?
"Why are we going into the woods?
Please let me go."
"I am trying to maintain an erection."
Here's a question. Does anyone in
the room believe in the supernatural?
Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone?
Quite a lot of you.
It's actually easy
to tell if your house is haunted.
It isn't.
Grow up.
There's actually a special name
for people that have seen a ghost.
It's... schizophrenic.
People claim to be into recycling,
but you should see their faces
when you rinse out a condom.
Women usually take care of contraception
within relationships,
but some men do and they're called...
I've got a friend, she's got a theory.
She reckons the way
to drive a man wild with desire
is to nibble on his earlobes
for hours and hours.
I think it's bollocks.
Has everyone that's going to get it
got it? Let's move on.
I've got a friend whose
nickname is "Shagger."
You might think that's quite cool.
She doesn't like it.
My girlfriend said to me recently,
"Have you been having
sex behind my back?"
I said, "Who the fucking hell
did you think it was?
And another thing.
It wouldn't kill you to turn around
and check how I'm doing.
A little bit of encouragement
goes a long way."
My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me
because I used to
leave the toilet seat up.
So now I always make a point
of putting the toilet seat down.
Only takes a second.
I know a lot of people
think that's a trivial matter,
but I think it's a signifier.
It shows that you care in a small way
each and every day.
So always make a point
of putting the toilet seat down.
Of course, there's no winning with her.
Now she's annoyed
because it's covered in piss.
I tell these jokes,
but I'm actually a very modern man.
I've got no problem buying tampons,
but apparently
they're not a "proper present."
"Says super on the box.
I don't know what you want!"
"Happy birthday, Mum."
I bought my girlfriend a book called
Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking,
which is ideal for her,
because not only is she a vegetarian...
My girlfriend
said she wanted me to tease her.
I said, "Alright, fatty!"
The first few weeks
of joining Weight Watchers,
you're just finding your feet.
A fat lady came up to me after a show
and complained about that joke.
I say a fat lady came up to me.
She pretty much surrounded me.
She was livid.
She said, "I think you're fattist."
I said, "No."
"I think you're fattest."
Have you ever fucked a girl so fat
you think it might count as a threesome?
I'll tell you when you know
you're with a big girl.
If you've ever found yourself
in the throes of passion, thinking...
"Is that boob or arm?"
"I'll give it a lick just to be sure."
A very nice man came up to me
after a show recently and said,
"Hey, I'm a fat guy.
How do you think I feel?"
I said, "Squidgy."
I mean, I tell these jokes,
but I knew I had to lose
a little bit of weight recently.
I think you know, as a man,
when you've got to lose weight.
There's warning signs.
There are red flags.
I knew I had to lose weight.
A very sad day for any man
when his girlfriend suggests
he cums on his own tits.
Most men don't get enough fiber
in their diet. Yeah?
Tough shit.
I read a thing recently.
It was in Men's Health Magazine.
It said that drinking your own urine
is meant to be good for you.
I put my back out.
That was a flattering mime, wasn't it?
A double-hander, sir?
Half of all women don't groom or style
their pubic hair.
That means, statistically,
either your mum
or your nan is rocking a Brazilian.
Must be your nan, Shane.
Seriously, your mum, it was like
a knife wound in a gorilla's back.
You've taken that well.
Which I imagine runs in the family,
does it?
People worry about
their physical appearance.
We all have silly hang-ups.
Personally, I worry
that one of my balls is bigger
than the other two.
I shave my testicles.
I call them "Brazil nuts."
Makes me giggle.
Because it tickles when I do it.
Whenever I'm in the changing rooms
in the gym,
I'm always embarrassed
by the fact my penis
is so much bigger than everyone else's.
But then, in fairness, it is erect.
Ten percent of women have cried
in shop fitting rooms.
I guess...
they weren't expecting to see me there.
My girlfriend recently bought
a T-shirt for 100 Euro.
That's a ridiculous amount to spend
on a t-shirt.
It said D&G on the front.
I suppose, fair enough,
one of her tits is
bigger than the other.
We call that one our favorite.
Turn on the taps, test the water.
That's how I remember it.
That's very much foreplay for beginners,
isn't it?
Turn on the taps, test the water.
Not ready yet.
Not ready yet.
Not ready yet.
Like a fucking Slip 'N Slide. We're on.
People with Tourette's.
What makes them tick?
The worst thing about being told
you've got Alzheimer's
is it doesn't just happen once.
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke.
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke.
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
My first wife was from Thailand.
Don't, you'll feel bad.
It's actually quite a sad story.
My first wife was from Thailand
and she died of...
testicular cancer.
Probably the best way
I could describe it
is her front bottom was an outie.
I recently saw a transvestite
in a mini skirt. I thought...
"That shows a lot of balls."
The male gypsy moth can smell
the female gypsy moth
from up to seven miles away.
And that fact also works
if you remove the word...
The first time I told that joke
was on BBC Radio 4
and we got a letter of complaint in
from the National Gypsy Council.
So I wrote back.
Of course, they'd moved on.
Here's a frightening fact.
If you took all the money that we
in the West spend on food in one week,
you could feed the third world
for one year.
I don't know about you good people,
but I can't help feeling
we're being overcharged
for our groceries.
Now my job is writing
harsh, brutal jokes.
I can't compete recently
with stuff I've just overheard.
I was in a doctor's waiting room,
sat opposite these two ladies
in their early sixties.
One of the ladies, just trying to start
a conversation with her friend,
looked down at a copy of the newspaper,
a stark image of famine
on the cover of the paper...
and she turned to her friend,
she said, "This famine...
it's terrible, isn't it?"
And her friend, without skipping a beat,
but they don't get our winters."
Fucking hell.
There's about half of you laughing
and half of you thinking,
"The winter here can be rough."
I got stopped in the
street the other day
by one of those charity muggers.
You know, the ones with the clipboard
and the optimism.
Chuggers, a lot of people call them.
I call them "chunts."
Anyway, he stopped me in the street
and went,
"Do you know how often
people die from AIDS?"
I said, "I'm not an expert,
but I'm guessing just the once, is it?"
My best friend's wife is having a baby.
I said, "What do you want?
A boy or a girl?"
And he thought about it. He said...
"I wanted a blowjob."
Really mournful.
I like getting a blowjob off the missus.
I don't know if you get this.
I don't know if you get a blowjob
off my missus.
I don't know
what your shoe-buying budget is.
A little glimpse into my world.
The thing I like about oral sex...
I think the thing most men like
about oral sex,
nothing sexual, ladies,
is actually the peace and quiet.
If you've ever been going down on a guy
and he's gone, "Oh,"
that is not your technique.
That is not his sexual ecstasy.
That is the sound of a man
not being asked a question.
I would think about adoption.
I don't have kids, but if I had kids,
I think I would have them adopted.
I haven't got children,
but I have made a start.
I bought some puppies and a van.
I had a really awkward moment on stage
recently while I was doing a show
when someone from right in the back
of the room shouted,
"Are you ever going to have children?"
I said, "Look,
it's a perfectly reasonable question.
I don't want to make you feel bad
for asking,
but my girlfriend and I...
actually can't have children...
the way we do it."
What is it about being blind
that makes you want to walk the dog
the whole time?
Who picks up guide dog shit?
You can laugh, but no fucker knows.
It's got to be quite a
hit-and-miss operation, hasn't it?
Ah, that's warm.
I saw a guy... I was in the high street
near where I live in North London.
I saw a guy with a guide dog
and a white stick.
So I went up to him.
I said, "You must be blind."
He said,
"Tell me something I don't know."
I said, "There's a tree over there."
Be a dick about it.
I had a relationship with a blind girl,
which was rewarding, but challenging.
It took me ages
to get her husband's voice right.
I'll cum to that later.
I feel like I'm getting old.
I was watching porn recently
and I found myself thinking,
"That bed looks comfy."
Here's an old man thing
I did for the first time recently.
I bought Viagra for the first time.
I didn't have a problem per Se,
but I thought,
"You know, we're going away for the
weekend. Let's super-charge this."
And you can now get, in the UK,
over-the-counter Viagra.
I thought, "That sounds powerful."
Over the counter, you say?
It's a medication, Viagra.
You've got to take
these things seriously.
So I was reading the side of the box
of the Viagra they sold me.
It said on the side of the box,
"Keep away from children."
I thought, "What kind of a man
do they think I am...
that can't maintain an erection
with a child?"
Well, that joke
separated the men from the boys.
Somewhat ironically.
I'm not a big fan of
the predictive text.
It makes you look like an idiot
when you text a lady
saying you want to put your
massive clock in her hairy aunt.
I got into an argument
with my girlfriend.
She said to me,
"You treat this house like a hotel."
I said, "I have never
snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits
in this house."
That is a joke.
I have never paid for sex.
Which has upset a lot of prostitutes.
Shane's mum.
A couple of weeks ago,
I failed to perform sexually.
I won't go into detail.
Suffice it to say, I "arrived early."
And my girlfriend said,
"Don't worry,
that happens to a lot of men."
I said, "Right. A couple of things.
Firstly, who are these 'a lot of men'?
And, secondly, if it's happening
to more than one of us,
don't you think it could be your fault?"
My girlfriend has fallen asleep
during sex before.
That is awkward.
But not as awkward
as the time she woke up during it.
"Hello, love.
You're up early."
"Yeah, I was just getting on
with a little bit of sex. Yeah.
I'll make you a cup of tea
when I'm finished."
That'll help get rid of the taste."
It's a great feeling when you get
a woman you've been chasing for...
I thought it would be romantic
to take my girlfriend back
to where we first met,
but she said,
"Don't make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy.
I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll be better."
I worry about that joke.
Is that just razy lacism?
I didn't used to talk about sex at all.
I was very repressed, very uptight.
Very British about the whole thing.
Now I'll talk to anyone about anything.
Here's an example.
Here's a detail from my life
I don't mind sharing
with the good people of Dublin.
My girlfriend can't have orgasms
during intercourse,
but it's not a problem, because I...
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She spat it back in my face.
I was pretty into it actually, yeah.
When my first girlfriend
choked to death...
it was a terrible blow.
Yeah, I had to finish myself off.
I was in bed with a girl recently.
She said to me,
"I want tonight to be magical."
And it was.
After I fucked her...
I disappeared.
My girlfriend used to smoke after sex,
so we started using lubricant.
Have you all had the classic
bar room conversation,
if you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?
Classic heterosexual male,
bar room conversation.
Have you had it?
No? You haven't? Okay.
Well, forewarned is forearmed.
I'll tell you how the conversation
is meant to go.
If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?
Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp, you'd go with. Johnny Depp.
Pirates Of The Caribbean,
gorgeous Johnny Depp.
That's not how the conversation's
meant to go.
I'll tell you how the conversation's
meant to go.
So you're in a bar, with a friend,
drinking, taking it easy,
chatting about life and news and sports.
Out of nowhere, your friend says to you,
"If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?"
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
"But if you had to, who would it be?"
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
"But if you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?"
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to though."
"I just wouldn't."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
"I would not sleep with a man."
"But if you had to sleep with a man,
who would that man be?"
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't though."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
"I would not sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to though."
"I just wouldn't."
"But if you had to, who would it be?"
"I wouldn't, so it wouldn't be anyone."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to."
"I just wouldn't though."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
"I would not sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
"But if you had to"
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
"If you had to"
"I wouldn't."
"If you had to sleep with a man."
That's how that conversation's
supposed to go.
It doesn't always go like that.
Of course not.
Sometimes you say, "If you had to sleep
with a man, who would it be?"
and they go, "Johnny Depp."
Don't feel bad about that.
Not the worst answer I've ever had.
The worst answer I ever had,
I did a gig in London...
and I was picking on this guy
front and center,
where you're sitting, sir,
and he got so flustered,
like a deer in the headlights flustered,
I said, "If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?" and he went...
"My brother."
Let's hear from the ladies.
Give us a shout,
all the ladies in the room.
You sound in great spirits.
Do you think
you're easy to live with, ladies?
Well, this is going to be educational
and fun.
Gonna tell you how easy you are to
live with, with a couple of questions.
First question, ladies.
Have you ever met a gay man?
You have. You've all met gay men.
Have you ever noticed how happy
homosexual men tend to be?
How joyful and carefree
those gay dudes tend to be.
"We're going dancing,
Barcardi Breezers. Hiya."
Always in such a great mood.
What's missing from their lives?
Don't get the wrong idea.
I'm not homophobic.
Anyone that says I'm homophobic
can suck my cock.
As long it's not a fella.
It's not natural.
And I think I should be allowed
to tell these jokes,
because although I've never
had sex with a man,
I have fucked a girl ugly enough
to count as a man.
Shane's mum.
Sorry, Shane.
Have you all had
the sexual history conversation?
It's the conversation that happens about
maybe six months into a relationship
when things are getting
a little bit serious
and it tends to be the woman
will ask the man.
She'll say, "I'd like to know
about your sexual history."
And the man will think,
"No, you fucking wouldn't."
But in my experience,
the woman doesn't ask once
and then move on
if you don't want to answer.
She keeps on asking
and asking and asking
until eventually you feel like
you have to give an answer.
It's what happened to me.
I was cornered.
I had to list everyone
I'd ever been with.
From the girl I'd lost my virginity to
right the way up to her.
And that is where I should have stopped.
What's the most important thing
in a relationship? What do you think?
What, sorry?
A dishwasher.
A dishwasher.
God, has he even forgotten your name?
He just calls you "The Dishwasher."
Any other thoughts?
Most important thing?
What, sorry?
You think money's
the most important thing.
Can I have her washed
and brought to my room?
It's a joke.
Don't bother washing her.
There's really no point.
She's going to end up looking
like a plasterer's radio.
I think I'm with you.
I think trust is the
most important thing.
Because if you're with a woman
and you don't 100% trust her,
how do you know
she's not going to tell your wife?
Best answer I ever had on that,
I was doing a gig in
Glasgow in Scotland.
I said, "What's the most important thing
in a relationship?"
and a bloke went, "Consent."
Who's drinking tonight?
Are you drinking tonight?
I like drinking when it gets
a bit out of hand.
Beyond beer, wine, spirits,
into the crazy drinks
you only order
when you're already hammered drunk.
The flaming Sambuca is a prime example.
No-one has ever ordered
a flaming Sambuca while sober
and the reason is clear.
It's on fire.
It does not look refreshing.
The only possible
reason I could think of
to order a flaming Sambuca when sober
is if you're with a woman
and she's something
just a little bit special.
She's beautiful, and intelligent,
and kind, and funny
and you think,
"Well, she could be the one."
But she's got a bit of an issue
with facial hair on the top lip.
I know, that could be a very awkward
thing to bring up,
especially early on in a relationship.
Much easier, I think,
take her out for a couple of drinks.
"Two flaming sambucas, please,
my good man.
No, I know I'm driving.
They're both for you,
my little Fu Manchu."
Some young women drink so much,
they black out and can't remember
what happened the night before.
If that's you, don't worry.
I made a video.
Most people that get cosmetic surgery
are disappointed with the results,
but they look...
pleasantly surprised.
Surely the best thing
about getting a full face transplant...
They can do them now.
Full face transplants.
Surely the best thing about that
would be turning up
at the donor's funeral and going...
Come on, you would.
I've got a new doctor
who is stunningly attractive.
Early thirties woman, raven black hair.
I mean smoke show.
She's absolutely gorgeous.
So the first time I met her,
I was having an appointment
in her office, the doctor's office.
So, I walked into the doctor's office,
my jaw hit the floor.
I walked in and went...
She went, "Come in, sit down."
I went, "Okay."
She said, "It's very nice to meet you."
I went, "Okay."
She said, "Please,
tell me what the problem is."
I said, "I'm embarrassed."
She said, "I've been a doctor for years,
nothing I haven't heard before.
Just tell me what the problem is
and I'm sure we can help you."
I said, "Okay.
I think my cock tastes funny.
I don't know if there's a test for that,
but I've had an idea."
I think the best holiday I ever went on
was the first time I went away
with my mates.
Our own choice of destination,
our own money, our own passports,
that sense of freedom and adventure.
I'll tell you what happened.
We were 18, we finished school,
finished our last exam,
we all got summer jobs,
worked the whole summer through
and then, the day after the results
came out,
we went to Faliraki in Greece
for two weeks.
Sun, sea, sex and sand.
That's what we're looking for.
That is what we got.
In those two weeks,
I had sex with 12 different people.
I'm not bragging.
I was gang raped.
You meet the locals.
You see a different culture.
Does anyone know what you're meant to do
if you get stung by a jellyfish?
Does anyone know?
Piss on it.
Piss on it is the right answer.
I'll tell you this much,
doesn't work as well on shark bites.
The boy's family were livid.
Apparently once they've been dead
a couple of hours,
there is very little you can do.
No amount of piss is
bringing them round.
Would you like some behind the scenes,
show business,
how things are done?
Would you like to know?
Okay, what's a good way to explain?
You know when they're filming
with chimpanzees?
It could be a commercial they're filming
or a movie or TV show.
When they're filming with chimpanzees,
what they do is they give them
peanut butter.
It doesn't occur naturally.
It's not in their
regular diet in the zoo.
And the reason they give it to them
is because they're not used to it.
Because when they give them
the peanut butter,
it sticks to the roof
of the chimpanzee's mouth.
It makes the chimpanzees go...
And it makes it look
like the chimpanzee's talking.
Well, that's also how they make
Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
When I was a kid,
I had an imaginary friend
and I used to think
he went everywhere with me
and that I could talk to him
and he could hear me,
and that he could grant me wishes
and stuff.
And then I grew up
and I stopped going to church.
I know, I'll be sorry
when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior
comes back from the made up.
I heard a reporter recently,
a proper BBC journalist on the news,
say, "At least one person killed
in suicide bomb attack."
Well, yeah, obviously.
It's the bare minimum
you need to qualify.
I've never really understood it.
Why would you become an Islamic
fundamentalist suicide bomber
on the off-chance you might
get 72 virgins when you die?
Become a Catholic priest
and have them now.
Life's for living.
I was raised Catholic,
and the thing that annoyed me
about church when I was a kid
was all the standing up and sitting down
and kneeling.
I wished the priests
could just pick a position and fuck me.
I was in New Zealand on tour.
I got in trouble while I was
in New Zealand over a joke.
I'll tell you the joke.
You can tell me what you think.
All I said was this.
"I was in Napier.
Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt,
beautiful town.
I was in Christchurch.
Destroyed by an earthquake,
rebuilt, beautiful town.
I was in Dunedin...
I said, 'I'll tell you
what this town needs...'"
They went fucking mental.
It turns out I was on very shaky ground.
One of my best friends,
who's from New Zealand,
I asked him how many sexual partners
he'd had in his life
and he started to count.
And he fell asleep.
Because the men from New Zealand
sometimes fuck the sheep.
Also, if you had quite mild insomnia,
that might encourage you to count sheep
and the repetitive nature of such a task
might help you drift off to sleep.
What jokes are essentially
is two stories,
and, in the first story,
you're forced to make an assumption
that turns out to be erroneous.
In the second part of the story,
or punchline,
it's the sudden revelation
of a previously concealed fact.
They all work in a similar way.
It's probably easiest
if you just join in with the others.
My girlfriend often says,
"You never tell me
how much you love me."
I don't want to upset her.
I've been with the same girl
for 18 years.
She still gets annoyed
if I use her toothbrush.
That's crazy, isn't it?
You don't think that's crazy?
If you can tell me a better way
to get dog shit out of shoes,
I'd love to hear about it.
I'm in a long-term relationship,
but I'm not married.
Is anyone else in the same boat?
A few of us.
You probably don't want to say,
a lot of you,
because people are dicks about it.
I'll introduce my girlfriend
to someone at a party.
People we don't know, they'll find out
how long we've been together,
and immediately,
perfect strangers going to me,
"Have you thought about...
You two, thought about...
Ever thought about? Ever talked about?
Ever thought about you two...
Ever thought about? Ever talked about?"
They're not politely inquiring.
They're trying to stir up a fight
between me and my girl.
Well, fuck that noise.
So if ever I get the,
"You ever thought about..."
I always think,
"What? Putting a third finger in?
I'll give it a go.
I'm not sure
if it's what the relationship's missing,
but I'll bloody try it.
Thanks, vicar."
Maybe try the shocker.
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.
Sorry, you're only young.
Two in the goo, one in the poo. There.
I bought my girlfriend lingerie
for the first time just last Christmas.
So 18 years in...
I didn't do it the first couple years
and then it became a big deal in my head
and I didn't want to get it wrong.
So last November,
we were wandering through Soho
and, as we walked past
Agent Provocateur,
this very fancy lingerie store,
as we walked by,
my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin
and there was a bra and panties
on the mannequin
and she went, "They're nice."
Very unlike her.
So the next day, I went back,
bought the bra and panties
that she said were nice.
They came in this beautiful
presentation, velvet-lined box,
and they were pinned
to the back of the box,
beautifully displayed for Christmas.
Quite expensive, but very nice.
Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round
a month later.
She's forgotten about the whole thing.
She opens up the box.
She was absolutely thrilled. She went...
"These are beautiful, darling.
But they're not my size."
I said, "Don't worry, I've had
a chat with the lady in the shop
and she says
you can have an operation."
"Those bra and panties,
that's like Cinderella's slipper.
That will fit the woman I want."
To keep things fresh in the bedroom,
we do a little bit of role play.
I'd recommend it
if you're in a long-term relationship.
How it works is she
pretends to be a nurse
and I pretend...
I'm still attracted to her.
That's divided the room, hasn't it?
There's people that thought
that was funny,
and then there are unattractive women.
My girlfriend likes to have
the lights on during sex,
because she likes to be able to read.
Which I think is to be encouraged
in a girl of that age.
I'm not in favor
of all kinds of group sex.
I'm not in favor of the two guys,
one girl threesome,
for the simple reason,
I never want to see
another man's happy face.
Because women, when they orgasm,
look beautiful and serene.
I've seen it in magazines and films.
Men, when they orgasm,
look as if they're
drinking vinegar through their eyes.
Jesus, dude,
you're like a turtle shitting.
I told my girlfriend
my ultimate sexual fantasy
was to have two women
at the same time
and she agreed.
But then she was livid when I told her
she wasn't either of them.
I did have a threesome once,
many years ago.
I was in my mid-20s,
I was seeing this girl,
not that serious a relationship,
but it transpired she had a twin.
So I asked.
You don't ask, you don't get.
There's a lesson in life.
I asked, I got, and I'm glad I did.
It was fucking awesome.
Because, if anything,
her twin was better looking than her
and an all-round great guy.
Yeah, you knew something was coming.
But you didn't know
it was going to be her brother in her.
Sometimes, you can sense that a friend
wants to take things further.
Will it ruin the friendship?
Things get hot and heavy
on the sofa one night.
You think, "This doesn't feel right,
you're my best friend.
You're not even allowed on the couch."
"Bad dog! Down, boy."
I didn't fuck a dog.
We made love.
Men over-promise in the bedroom.
Not just me.
I think all men are guilty.
Men are full of the... "I'm going to
make love to you all night long."
Are we though?
Like every man in this room,
the only time I've ever wanted
to have sex twice
is before I've had sex once.
"I'm going to make love to you
all night long.
Or, until I get sleepy."
"Let's see which comes first."
"I came first."
"Night night."
You look like
a ventriloquist's doll.
What's it like to get fisted by men?
So that was I look like
a ventriloquist's doll,
and then you add...
That's insulting enough.
And then you added
because I like to get fisted by men.
If you want my comeback,
you'll have to scrape it
off your mum's teeth.
You posh cunt.
A lot of people think I'm posh.
I'm not that posh. Who thinks I'm posh?
Well, compared to you, yes, but...
I'm not as posh as people think.
I went to one of the roughest colleges
in Cambridge.
I've got a question
just for the ladies in the room.
All women I know
have got a very clear line.
On one side of the line, things
they're happy, comfortable, confident
and enjoy doing sexually
with a loving partner.
On the other side of the line,
things they've been asked to do by a man
that they said,
"No, that is not happening."
What I would like to know, ladies,
what is the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do by a man?
What's the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do?
I don't mean reverse park or wash up.
I mean...
Within a sexual context,
what's the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do?
Stick a finger in their bum.
"Stick a finger in their bum."
I said, "What's the weirdest thing?"
Maybe you didn't hear.
Weirdest thing a man's asked you to do.
Pee on him.
Pee on him?
Had he been stung by a jellyfish?
He wanted you to do a wee on him?
Now, how long had you been with the guy
before he said,
"Would you mind doing a wee on me?"
Twenty minutes.
Twenty minutes?
I'm not sure you weren't
just walking past a tramp, love.
Any other interesting ones?
Anyone been asked to do anything weird,
Be a dog.
What, sorry?
Whoa, shut up!
This sounds very interesting.
What was that?
Be a dog.
Did you say, "Be a dog"?
What did that involve?
What did you have to do?
A collar and a leash.
You had to wear a collar and a leash?
And be a dog?
Man's best friend.
What did he say?
"I'm going to give you a bone."
I'm not expecting more answers.
This is just my favorite
bit of the show.
Because I enjoy looking at nervous men.
I can see men...
I can see you out there, sir.
I can see you with your hand
on your partner's leg.
What are you applying?
200-300 pounds' worth of pressure?
You haven't said anything to her,
have you?
You just gave her a look
that said, "Shut your fucking mouth."
"I just wanted to try it.
It's only a finger.
It doesn't make me gay."
I've got a theory about sex
within long-term relationships.
Because the received
wisdom in our society
is that men ask for sex.
It's the man that says to the woman,
"Do you want to go upstairs
for a bit of how's-your-father,
a bit of slap and tickle,
a bit of sticky belly?"
It's a medical term.
The idea that men have got a sex drive
and women are merely passive.
I call bullshit,
I reckon it's about 50-50
in most heterosexual relationships,
asking for sex.
But the reason you don't notice as much
when women ask for sex
is because, when women ask for sex
in a long-term relationship,
it happens.
She doesn't have to ask twice.
Trust me,
if you've been with a woman for 18 years
and she says,
"Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?"
It doesn't matter what else is going on.
You could be full of flu.
You could have just received
devastating news.
I'll call them back."
You could have just been shot in the leg
by her.
"Come on. We'll talk about this after."
But, as a man,
sometimes you'll proposition the love
of your life, the woman you live with.
You'll say, "Shall we do the bad thing?"
She'll say, "No."
And then she'll give you some mercurial,
strange reason
as to why you couldn't possibly have sex
at this moment in time.
And then you can't think
of a counter argument
because all the blood is somewhere else
so you can't focus.
So I thought, why don't we workshop it?
What reasons have you heard,
gentlemen, for not having sex?
She has to pick
Shane up from school.
"She had to pick Shane up from school."
Very good.
it would appear you're getting
fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend.
Hope you're cool with that.
Any other reasons for not having sex,
What else have you heard?
Headache. Classic.
Easy to deal with as well.
If a woman says, "I can't have sex,
I've got a headache,"
just say,
"I'll be right at the other end.
I literally couldn't be further away
from that problem.
Also, I'm fucking you.
We're not doing Sudoku.
You're not going to need
your wits about you for this."
We might be overheard.
You might be overheard?
You're worried about making noise.
Stick around after the show, sir.
I could teach you
how to make love to a woman
so the loudest she's going to be is...
Possibly an, "Is it in yet?,"
but nothing that's going
to wake anyone up.
Any other... What, sorry?
Tired is probably the most common
these days.
I think if a woman says she's tired,
you've got to listen.
You've got to acknowledge.
so she knows she's been heard.
And then make a suggestion.
I know that sounds obvious,
but there's a huge difference
between making a suggestion to a woman
and making a demand on a woman.
Make a suggestion.
If she wants to go with it, great.
If not, you've got to respect that.
So if a woman said to me,
"I can't have sex.
I'm really tired,"
I'd say, "Well, of course, you're tired.
I hear you."
"You've got the house.
You've got the kids. You've got work.
You must be exhausted, love.
So why don't you,
and it's just a suggestion,
but why don't you
do what you normally do
and just fucking lie there?"
"You lazy fucking cow."
Any other excuses for not having sex?
On the blob.
"On the blob."
Mr. Darcy's in, ladies.
Yeah, part of life, isn't it?
You know, period, menstruation.
She's up on bricks.
The decorators are in.
Liverpool are playing at home.
She's got the red devil in her belly.
Aunt Flow has come to stay.
She's at the Women's Institute...
making jam.
It's shark week.
Or, as most modern women
these days prefer to say,
on the blob.
If a woman said to me,
"I can't have sex, I've got my period,"
I would say, "Well,
your arse isn't bleeding...
What I'd like to do now
is torpedo this gig
with some very edgy jokes.
So then you can all leave thinking,
"Thank fuck that's over."
You're welcome.
Strap in, everyone. Let's do this.
I saw the chief
of the New York City Police on the news.
He said, "We will never forget 9/11."
I thought, "I should fucking hope not,
it's your phone number."
Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls.
Do they blow themselves up?
If my grandmother knew how much money
I spent on her funeral, she would be...
spinning in her ditch.
It always feels so much better
when you have a wank with a dead arm,
but apparently, I ruined that funeral.
I was in a strip club,
I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle.
I was disgusted.
Red wine with fish?
Throwing acid is wrong
in some people's eyes.
I saw a headline in the paper.
It said, "Man held after rape."
I thought...
"They cuddled?"
I actually bought a rape alarm.
Because I kept on forgetting
when to rape people.
Is it wrong... You be the judge.
Is it wrong to call the disabled seating
area of a theater "the cabbage patch"?
Say what you like
about the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
they can work to a deadline.
That's an unfortunate response
from some of you,
because that joke is only there
to warm you up for this joke.
I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation
should be forced to change their name
from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
to the "No, Make Another Wish,
We Can't Do Anything
About That" Foundation.
I know.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets,
than every year we
could save millions...
of mosquitoes
from dying needlessly of AIDS.
It's been a pleasure talking to you.
Thank you very much indeed.
I appreciate it. That's my show.
Cheers, goodnight.
I got money in the bank
I got news for you baby
You're looking at the man
I got skin in the game
I don't feel no pain
I got news for you baby
You're looking at the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man