Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero (2016) Movie Script
1
Today, unnamed sources
discovered the following footage
from a website
that calls itself
the "Jihadi people's front."
I want to warn you,
the images you're about to see
are rather disturbing,
but if you're a true patriot,
you won't look away.
Now the crowd behind me
can be seen celebrating
the recent crash
of a U.S. drone,
all the while chanting,
"He's going to America,
he's going to America!"
referring apparently to their
ringleader, this man.
Although we have
no idea who he is
because all of these people
look alike,
unconfirmed sources
have confirmed
he is extremely dangerous
and may be intending
on sneaking into America
to perform acts of jihad.
Well, I don't know
about you folks,
but I certainly pray
he doesn't make it.
This is your captain speaking.
We're entering
American airspace.
America, where the
international telephone code
is one...
For a reason.
- Namaste.
- Namaste!
Arigato. Arigato.
Domo arigato.
Arigato, Mr. roboto.
Arigato.
Jesus Christ.
- Allah-o-akbar!
- Air Marshall. Freeze!
Let's roll!
Ow! Watch the nose!
Okay, mister... "Jam-shit"?
Jamshid.
- Jamshit.
- Jamshid.
- Shit.
- Shid.
- Shit.
- Shee-eed.
- Shit.
- Shid.
- Shit...
- Shid...
Shee-it.
Just call me, "Jimmy."
okay, Jimmy.
And your last name is...
"Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?
- Fakhredinpour!
- "Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?
- Fakhredinpour!
- "Fach-hh-ed-her-in-da-pool"?
Look, you need to do something
about those names, okay?
It's a little crazy.
So where will you be
staying, Jimmy?
Oh, my cousin, Leila,
has procured an apartment
for us next to her
in vestvood.
You mean, "Westwood,"
Jimmy.
- Vest-vood.
- West-wood.
- Vestvood.
- "Wuh."
- veh, veh...
- Wuh-wuh-wuh.
- "World wide web."
- "Vorld vide veb."
- "Wascally wabbit."
- "Vask-Ally vabbit."
- "The wild wild west."
- "The vild vild vest."
you know what, forget that.
Okay, what's your occupation?
Oh, no, sir, we are not
here to occupy you.
We only come in peace.
No, no. Occupation means,
what work do you do?
Oh! Well, actually I was one
of the top traffic officers
in all of Tehran, not to brag.
But I was also working toward
becoming a p.I.
So I understand
this kind of questioning.
English only, ma'am.
- What is "Pee eye"?
- Private investigator.
"Private"...
My lifelong dream? I have
told you like a thousand times?
No idea what you are
talking about.
- Ah-hh!
- Ah-hh!
- Eh-hh!
- Eh-hh!
Yeah?
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Looks like you two check out.
Word of advice, Jimmy.
People here are on edge, okay?
So I would try to fit in
and try to act less...
What's the word
I'm looking for...?
"Terroristy."
You dig?
Officer, I've been telling
my mother
that ve should only
espeak in English.
- You dig?
- I dig, baba, I dig!
Okay, you dig.
So you are free to go.
- Oh! Allah-o-akbar!
- I said less terroristy!
Officer...
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!
Welcome to America.
Sir, we've reached out
to the iranian
Mohammad Mohammad
mohammadi.
And?
If we guarantee fifty million,
he'll play ball.
- Guarantee it.
- Yes, sir.
And make sure our congressman
pushes through that resolution
for a pre-emptive strike.
- In progress, sir.
- And the other piece?
Ah, well, do you remember
that story on kox news,
about six months ago?
You mean about that
radical fanatic?
Well, as it turns out,
he's not a radical at all.
Our drones captured
these photos of him.
He's a low-level traffic cop.
A nobody.
He's terrible at his job.
Nobody likes him.
- He's got a sweet tooth.
- Sure, he does.
That's exactly
what he's got.
He has a real penchant
for cotton candy.
He put himself
in a sugar coma, sir.
- Oh, really?
- Yes, sir.
-Oh, you mean this one?
The dog likes him.
The dog likes the sugar, sir.
And the best part is,
after he left Iran,
he moved here to Los Angeles.
- He lives here?
- Yes, sir.
I think we've got our guy.
- Yeah.
- Good work, Karl.
Thank you, sir.
Help yourself
to some jelly beans.
While publicly maintaining
that their nuclear program is
solely for peaceful purposes,
the islamic Republic's
supreme commander
of nuclear proliferation,
Mohammad Mohammad mohammadi,
during a visit to Venezuela,
gave the following speech,
let's look.
If Americans don't estop
their provocative accusations,
ve vill have no choice
but to destroy them.
Ve condemn the great Satan
and ve vill not stand
for their bullying.
Canada.
Always bullying people.
Oh, one more thing.
I hate gays, Jews, and blacks.
Except for magic Johnson--
pre-aids.
Him, I like.
- Thank you.
- I like him, too.
- Oh, I like him, too.
- You like him, too?
- Mm-hmm.
- We have something in common.
Now we at kox news
pride ourselves on the facts,
bringing you the facts
and the truth in our news.
No editorializing
and no fearmongering.
Which is why I can say
with certitude
that, even as we speak,
the iranians are developing
American-exterminating
weapons.
And because they hate us--
they hate our freedoms,
everything we stand for,
our ability to have a family,
they hate our freedoms
to walk with our dogs and
our children at night,
go out on a Sunday
for a walk with our dog
and have a hot dog.
Make no mistake,
your children aren't safe
and your dogs
aren't safe.
Very soon, the bombs
are gonna be in the air.
What's with suede jacket?
Who do you think you are?
Esteve McQueen?
- Ehh.
- Eh?
-Hank shannity is talking.
-Up next, do you use
a cellular phone?
- Yes.
- Chances are good
- you're already dying of cancer.
- No.
- We'll be right back.
- Our TV is too small.
Oh, shut up.
- Agh! I was watching!
- Put your uniform on.
I'm not gonna wear that silly
security jacket again.
Don't be a child.
You know how many
strings I pulled
to make mehdi give you
that job in market?
You pulled estrings to get me
a job as a security guard?
- Yes.
- Gee.
Good thing
you're well-connected.
Eh.
I didn't come to this country
to be a security guard.
I came to this country
to be an American hero.
Like esteve McQueen.
"Freeze.
You're under arrest.
You have
the right to an attorney,
you have the right to dance."
- Hi, maman.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, cousin Leila.
- Jimmy.
Hi, Leila.
I made these flyers for your
private investigator business.
Leila, this is
fantastic.
- What is it?
- Here you go.
Huh.
This is upside down.
Oh, no, no.
Oh. Who is this
"Jimmy vestvood"?
That's my new American name.
It came to me in a dream.
Jamshid, this private
investigator
is very dangerous
business.
And you,
please don't push him
with this Jimmy
vestvood dreams. Eh.
She's alvays squashing
my dreams, this one.
- I tell you.
- I know.
You know, Leila,
I like what you did here.
I just wish you would have
shown my hair.
What hair?
I like it.
Yes, I'm just saying,
you know, it's in a little bit
of a recession,
you know, like the economy.
Jimmy vestvood, private
investigator, at your service.
- No.
- Thank you very much.
Jimmy vestvood, at your
service, private inves--
- No.
- Thank you very much.
Thanks for considering.
Thank you.
Jimmy vestvood,
private investigator.
Private investigator?
So, you help find things?
Yes, sir, I do.
How can I be of help?
Can you help me
find my quarter?
It's right there.
Oh, you're good.
You're good.
Hey Jimmy, can you
investigate us a dime bag?
Can you find me
an Asian woman?
Yo, dawg, hook me up
with a record deal.
I'm persian like a cat
do you like my hat?
That's my brother, Matt.
- Investigate that.
- Jamshid.
What do you think you're doing?
Come walk with me.
Passing out flyers
on my time?
This is very selfish.
And don't you forget,
if it wasn't for me
to give you job,
you would be back home
in Iran in prison.
- Why would I be in prison?
- Pshh.
Do you think they need
to have a reason
- to put you in prison in Iran?
- Good point.
But it doesn't even make
a difference, Mr. mehdi.
These people all just
want wishy-washy favors.
They don't even get
what a p.I. Does.
And no offense, Mr. mehdi,
but I did not come to America
to work at a persian
supermarket.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You should be grateful
that you have a place
to work in this economy.
Ask Rick.
He'll tell you.
Dude, I'm white, good-looking,
I have a ph.D in economics
from Harvard and this
is the best job I've had
- since graduating.
- Okay, do it again,
and this time,
use more elbow doctor.
Elbow grease.
"Ph.D."
- prick.
- I heard that.
That's for my
little baby, ooh...
Hey, you open it,
you buy it.
- Homayoun?
- Dad. Hey.
Jamshid, you remember
my son?
Homayoun? The last time
I saw you, you were
a little boy.
What happened?
Puberty?
- That was 20 years ago.
- Wow.
And now he's getting
married to homeira joon.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
You look so happy.
Yeah.
She's always happy.
And once they are married,
he's gonna take over
the business.
Dad. We talked about this.
I don't want to be
a butcher.
I mean,
I'm a vegetarian.
Don't be a pussy.
No offense to you, homeira joon.
I like pussy.
Okay.
Son, I promised your mother
on her deathbed
that you're going
to take over this
butcher empire.
- Homayoun?
- Mh-hmm?
It's you.
Don't break my heart.
Don't break my heart.
Okay, okay, dad.
Let's take it easy, okay?
- It's okay sir, it's okay.
- It's gonna be okay, dad.
Mr. mehdi, come back.
Come back.
Okay... okay.
Congratulations
on the wedding.
Stay happy.
So, how is your mother?
She's good, thanks god.
She's good.
Well, I tell you what.
If you convince her
to go on a date with me,
I will let you
pass out your flyers.
Mr. mehdi, I'm not gonna
pimp out my own mother.
You're not pimping her out.
I just want to take her
out for a Starbucks.
You scratch my balls,
I scratch yours.
I'm pretty sure
it's "Back."
well, my back
is not itching.
Okay, you got a deal.
I scratch your balls.
Okay, I will give her
my beef.
She's gonna love it.
And, I will
throw in my bone.
Mr. Westwood.
At your service.
I understand you're
a private investigator.
- Yes, I am.
- I may have a job for you.
- What kind of job?
- Please, get in.
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood. Hey.
- Ugh!
- Sorry. Sir.
Get in. Plug the nose.
Sorry, sir.
- Oh, god.
- Let me get that for you.
- Oh-hh!
- Sorry, sir.
Oh, wow.
A big-screen TV.
This is
the American dream.
Mr. Monroe will be
with you in a moment.
Can I get you a cocktail
while you wait?
Yes. Tea.
Hot tea.
Stirred, not shaking.
Shaken, not stirred...
Oh.
Hello, deer.
I would not shoot you.
Hello?
Mr. Westwood?
Over here.
Oh, sorry,
I was just practicing
- my investigator techniques.
- J.P. Monroe.
Nice to meet you.
Don't mind him.
That's just some liberal
I shot in the head once.
Just kidding.
Oh!
You're just kidding.
No, I did. I shot him.
Just kiddin'.
No.
I did. I shot him.
Just kidding.
Oh,
you're kidding again.
- He died of natural causes.
- Oh, good.
Right after I shot him
in the head.
Not good.
You don't mind if I call you
Jimmy, do you?
- At your service.
- You're not a liberal?
I don't even know
what that means.
Here, sir.
Stirred, not shaken.
Thank you, Mr. Karl.
Thank you very much.
- Very appreciate your efforts.
- Sure.
Oh, ho, ho,
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so.
Just stop it. Stop. Stop.
Hello, I'm Marcy.
Marcy Monroe.
I'm Jimmy.
Jimmy vestvood.
Like Clint eastvood,
but vestvood.
The pleasure's all mine,
Mr. Westwood.
Oh, no, no, I insist.
The pleasure is mine.
No, no, I insist.
The pleasure is all mine.
No, you see,
I cannot accept that
because where I come from,
the pleasure between us?
It must be all mine.
Well, I'm a modern
American woman
and this is America,
so the pleasure will
have to be mine.
Okay, okay, fine.
The pleasure is all... mine.
Oh. Sorry,
that's my phone.
Oh, "Blocked number"?
Curious who that could be.
Hold on.
Hello?
Maman?
Maman, I'm busy.
Yes, maman, I ate
my vegetables today.
No, I did not find
a vife.
He smells like beef.
Sorry about that.
Very important client.
So, vere vas ve?
Honey, why don't you go get
your hair done or something?
Mr. Westwood and I have
some business to discuss.
Okay.
You like staring at my wife,
don't ya, jimbo?
Yes.
Oh, no, I mean,
no, sir. No. No.
Oh, it's okay.
Many, many men enjoy staring
at my old lady.
Which is part of the reason why
I brought you here today, Jim.
The reason
I wanna hire you, jimbo,
is because I think that
my wife is having an affair
with an a-rab,
if you can imagine.
And what better way
to catch an a-rab
than with another a-rab--
in the act?
Good point, sir. Very good
point, very good point.
But sir, just fyi,
I am actually not arab.
I'm actually from Iran.
"Iraqi, irani, kiss my Fanny."
What do I know?
You know these people.
You know how this guy thinks,
where he goes, what he does.
Follow them.
Find out if my wife
is having an affair.
Karl?
There's $2500 in this envelope,
all right? It's yours.
And there's plenty more
where this comes from
if you think you can
get the job done.
Oh, yes, sir,
I can get the job done.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Leila. You escared me.
How did you get in here?
Easy. I let myself in
by squeezing through
the bathroom window
after jumping off
the fire escape
of the adjacent building.
Jimmy. I have to
tell you something.
This isn't easy
for me to say,
but there's no better time
than the now.
Ever since we were kids,
I've had the craziest
crush on you.
There's just
something about you.
You're so pure,
so innocent.
I mean,
look at your face.
You even have
deer-like features.
- Deers are creatures?
- No. Deer-like features.
You had a deer
for a teacher?
No!
I can't hear a vord
you're saying!
What about the deers?
- What I'm trying to say is--
- wait, Leila,
you have to hear this.
Come here, come here.
I'm sorry, Leila, I have
something to tell you.
- Wait, where's maman?
- She's sleeping.
Anyway, I got my first
big case today.
Yeah? What is it?
This big shot American client
wants me to follow his wife
to see if she's
cheating on him.
Ooh.
And she is hot.
Super-duper hot.
- Just sexy--
- congratulations.
Thanks. But not a word
to maman, okay?
Because I don't want her
to think
that I'm ignoring
my job at the market.
Sure. I won't
tell her anything.
Hey, I have an idea.
What if I was your sidekick?
No, that's the worst idea
I have ever heard in my life.
I mean, it's just
not a good idea.
It's very dangerous.
You can't be involved
with that.
But I could totally help you.
I could drive you in my car,
I have a magnifying glass
and everything.
Besides, I'm totally bored
at my dad's pharmacy.
How many urinary tract
infections can I cure?
"I got uti, I got uti.
I got uti."
just drink the damn
cranberry juice.
Okay, calm down.
I'll drink it.
Thanks for the offer,
but I have trained for
this line of work.
You can't just get into it
like it's no big deal.
That's the--
the point is,
I don't need a sidekick.
Good night.
Good night for now,
Jimmy vestvood.
But you're gonna need
a sidekick,
and you're gonna
get one whether you
like it or not.
Shh-hh!
Saturday,
10:11 A.M., Malibu beach.
Very private area.
V-v-v-vip.
Top of the line.
I vill gonna go
deep undercover.
Hey, watch it!
Sorry. Excuse me.
Take care.
Have a nice day.
You're kicking sand
in my eyes.
Agh!
Oh, Jimmy.
- Homayoun?
- Jimmy. Hi.
Uh, Jimmy. This is Freddy.
My friend.
Freddy, meet Jimmy.
Nice to meet you, Freddy.
Hi. Nice to--
homayoun,
what's going on here?
What do you mean?
I mean, what's going on
with you?
Oh, with me?
I'm here on a case.
As a private investigator.
I did it.
But don't tell your dad, okay?
He would fire me.
And vorse,
he would tell my mother.
We wouldn't
want that now, uh-hh...
You know what, I won't tell
if you won't tell, huh?
Oh-hh, yeah.
Don't vorry, homayoun,
your secret is safe
with me, okay?
You know, in our community,
being a private investigator
is almost as bad
as being gay.
So I know
what you're going through.
What?
It must be hard
to have a gay lover.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I'm talking about him,
Freddy, your gay lover.
- What?
- This guy. Freddy.
- The black guy.
- Yeah.
You have gay sex with?
In the butt?
Okay, okay.
We know how it works.
- I'm talking about him.
- Okay.
It's not right, homayoun,
that you can't be you.
You know, you should
be you, okay?
If you are gay,
you should be gay.
If you're not gay,
then don't be gay.
Who am I to judge?
Listen, homayoun,
what I'm trying to say is,
don't ask, don't tell.
If you see something,
say something.
Ask not what your country
will gonna do for you,
but what your country
will gonna do for you.
Homayoun, be gay.
You're a gay angel.
You're a "Gayngel."
some of the worst people
I know are straight.
Agh!
It's time for you to climb
out of the cabinet.
You mean come out
of the closet?
Climb, if you
have to jump, hike,
do it,
whatever it takes.
Think about that.
Yeah, you should
put that on the card.
I'm so happy we had
this time to talk.
I have to go, guys.
- Thank you for the advice.
- Shh.
Oh my god, I am so sorry.
You know what?
It's your turn, huh?
Here we go.
Mr. Westwood?
Mrs. Monroe?
- Mr. Westwood.
- What a surprise.
Well, I'm surprised
to see you too.
Well, this is my friend, malek.
He's from Arabia.
Hi, sir, how are you?
Alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah.
- Salaam-alaikum.
- Ah, alaikum assalam.
Schwarma.
- Baba ganoush.
- Pita bread.
So, what is it
you're doing here?
Me? Eh, you know,
on the weekends
I work as a lifeguard.
- Oh, you're a lifeguard?
- Yes. I save the lives.
Help me. I'm drowning!
Help. Help me.
- Shouldn't you help that man?
- What man?
That man. He's drowning.
You just said you're
a lifeguard.
Oh, no, you see...
He's not in my tower
jurisdiction.
I work in tower number 5
and he is drowning
in tower number 6.
You know if I tried to help him,
my boss would kill me.
Brett, that guy's been
calling you for an hour. Ach!
Looks like
Brett has it covered.
So where were we?
I go for exercise.
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood? Jimmy?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Would you be a doll and rub
this lotion all over my back?
Sure, I can be a doll.
They call me "Jimmy doll."
- I bet they do.
- On the veekends.
Right there.
- Oh. Oh, Mr. Westwood.
- What?
- Oh, that feels really good.
- Oh, yeah?
Oh, Mr. Westwood, that feels
so good, don't you stop.
Don't you stop,
that's the spot right there.
Oh, Mr. Westwood,
that feels so good.
Mrs. Monroe,
we're in public.
Oh, Mr. Westwood, I just can't
stop thinking of you.
Oh, what is it about
you middle eastern men
that's so...
Irresistible?
What?
But you're married,
and you have
a boyfriend.
- I know.
- Oh-hh!
I know, but you're so dark
and exotic and... hairy.
Oh, yes, I'm very hairy.
Very hairy.
Oh, yes, very, very hairy.
Very hairy.
But if j.P. Ever found out
about us, he'd kill us both.
- Oh, don't kill me.
- Jimmy.
Leila?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just jogging
at the beach.
And you, Jimmy?
What are you doing here?
You know, I'm just doing
the usual, you know,
guarding lives
at tower number five.
Ah. I have good exercise.
- Good exercise.
- Congratulations.
I feel invigorated.
Okay, well, I should probably
get back to--
Leila. You should get back
to jogging.
Oh. Yeah.
I'm gonna get back to my jog.
Bye, everyone.
Okay, bye.
This will grow
your hair
and you will look
like esteve McQueen.
Sir, do you have
a nuclear program?
I don't know.
Do you have a nuclear program?
Are you asking if America
has a nuclear program?
No. I am asking if you
have a nuclear program.
Do I have a nuclear program?
Do you nuclear program?
How would I
have a nuclear program?
How would you
have a nuclear program?
Are you sure this
is gonna vork?
Of course. This is one
of the old persian recipe.
It fix everything.
Where is my mayonnaise?
Are you repeating
everything I say?
Am I repeating
everything you say?
You can't just repeat
everything I say.
I cannot repeat
everything you say.
Espeaking of mayonnaise,
have you thought about
going on a date with mehdi?
- Are you trying to set me up?
- This is America.
We have
to americanize now
and be open-minded.
Besides, you are a vidow,
he is a vidower,
it's a great match.
Just think about it.
Okay, baba.
I think about it.
Why don't you think about
going out on date with Leila?
Maman, that is disgusting.
Ach. She's my cousin.
She is not
your real cousin, dummy.
Her grandmother
is fourth cousin
of your
grandfather's uncle.
- So, that makes her my --
- seventh cousin.
- Think about it.
- I'm an idiot.
- Are you an idiot?
- Okay, this interview's over.
- Is this interview over?
- Cut his mic.
- Are you cutting my mic?
- You guys cut his mic.
It's my show.
- Are they cutting my mic?
Oh my gosh, it vorked.
Good hair. Good hair.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, yes.
Er...
Buenos nachos.
Oh, Jimmy vestvood,
private investigator
for Mr. Monroe--
La inmigracin!
La inmigracin!
No, no immigra-cion,
investiga-cion.
- Investiga-cion.
- Inmigracin!
She's fast.
Okay, Jimmy,
what do you got for me?
I am afraid I have some bad news
and some badder news.
The bad news is that
you were right.
Your wife
is cheating on you.
I knew it. I knew it.
But it gets worse,
much worse.
What? What else? What?
The badder news, sir, is that
he's hung like a horse.
- Hung like a horse?
- Yeah.
Your wife is never
gonna come back to you.
- Mr. Monroe, are you okay?
- Yeah. Jimmy, can I trust you?
What? Yes. Of course. I didn't
do anything with your wife.
I am very trustworthy.
They call me "Jimmy
trustworthy."
and that's why
people love you, Jimmy.
Aside from you having
a nose for this stuff.
It's because you're honest
and you've been honest with me
so I'm gonna
be honest with you.
Am I all right, am I okay?
No, I am not okay
I mean, this woman has broken
my heart and I wanna
destroy her.
And I need your help
to do that.
Destroy her? How?
- I want you to shoot her.
- Shoot her?
No, no, no, no.
With a camera.
I want you to shoot
her with a camera.
- Oh.
- Divorce proceedings,
and I'm gonna need
a lot of photos.
And I want you
to take those pictures.
Will you take those pictures
for me, Jimmy?
Yes, sir. Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
Great. Yeah.
Just shoot away.
Karl, could you bring
that photo equipment
that we got for Mr. Westwood
in here?
Have it right here, sir.
Eh...
This is the dslr camera and
in this bag are the lenses.
We have a 35-millimeter
and a 300-millimeter
- for distant shots.
- It's got flash?
Yes.
And this is your
undercover suit.
Undercover suit?
Sir? That's great.
I've always wanted an
undercover suit, sir.
How did I know?
Why don't you go try it on?
- See if we can't see you?
- Thank you, sir.
This is great.
Can I just--
yeah. Please be careful,
these are my personal stuff.
I'm gonna be very careful.
This is exciting.
Really, thank you so much --
I'm sorry.
Really, exciting.
Undercover suit!
- What a banana.
- Sir. Great news.
Senator hunter is confirmed
and on board.
He thanks you
for your generous
"Campaign contribution."
we've got
two-thirds majority.
Well, it's going a lot easier
than I ever thought it would.
You know this guy, you know
how some people turn out
to be as dumb as they look?
All we got to do now
is come up with some
snappy nickname
for this war, you know,
to sell it to the
American people.
- Sure.
- They go for it every time.
How about,
Freedom"?
How 'bout it? It's been used.
Think of something
with an animal in it.
You know, Americans
hate each other
but they love animals?
Yeah. How about
"Operation puppy freedom"?
That's too soft.
That's not war, that's not hard.
"Operation desert rape"?
Nah, that's too hard.
Besides, you forgot
the animal.
"Operation puppy rape."
get away from me.
You're giving me the creeps.
- Yes, sir.
- What's this rape stuff?...
Oh-ho!
"Operation eagle freedom."
perfect.
- Ow!
- I don't look too fat?
Mr. mehdi, Mr. mehdi.
Jamshid. Why you are wearing
black? Did somebody die?
- Uh... yes.
- Who?
Ali Hassan Hossein
Mohammad rezaie.
Ali Hassan Hossein
Mohammad rezaie died?
It's okay, Mr. mehdi.
That son of a bitch
owes me $55!
Oh, gosh.
Well, it's good Karma.
I don't need Karma.
I need my $55.
It will come back to you.
I feel like I'm gonna
drop dead myself.
You know, this wedding
is killing me.
They're asking $4,000
for an audio-visual screen.
Can you believe that?
- $4,000.
- Wow.
Well, anyway,
what do you want?
Eh, Mr. mehdi,
I was just going to see
if I could have the day off
tomorrow.
I have to take some very
important pictures.
Pictures, my ass.
Is it this private
investigator crap?
- Yes, it is-- I mean, no--
- I don't care what it is.
You do what I tell you
to do, understand?
Wow. Well, Mr. mehdi,
if that's the case,
I guess then
I just have to...
- Yeah, what?
- I guess then I--
- yeah, what?
- I quit.
You what?
I quit.
You cannot quit.
- Why not?
- Because I fire you.
Attention, attention,
everybody.
Attention, everybody.
Jamshid fakhredinpour,
he is fired.
Fired. Fired.
- Hey, Rick?
- Yeah?
Do I have to pay
unemployment insurance
- if I fire someone?
- Yes, 6% of taxable wages
as mandated by the federal
unemployment tax act.
Now, there's a stipulation
that says the employer--
okay, okay, shut up,
Harvard, got it.
You know what? You quit.
I did not fire you.
Attention, attention,
attention, everybody,
I want you to listen.
I did not fire jamshid
fakhredinpour,
he just quit on me.
Now, your badge
and your jacket.
Oh, sure, yes, of course.
Here is the badge.
- Thank you.
- And...
- The jacket.
- Thank you. Oh, one second.
Please, accept my tongue
as a token of respect
for you and your mother.
Oh, no, sir.
I can't. I can't.
- Please, I insist.
- Oh no, I insist.
- I cannot.
- Please, I insist.
I want your mother
have my tongue.
- No. I'm insisting.
- I insist.
- No, I'm insisting.
- I said I insist.
Sir, I insist-- oops.
Five-second rule.
Good as new.
No more timing
each tear that falls
from my eyes
I'm not hiding
the remedy that cures
this old heart of mine...
Mmm, delicious.
Whose tongue is it?
Mr. mehdi.
No, dummy. What animal?
Oh. Cow.
Very big cow.
Remember tomorrow,
say thank you to Mr. mehdi
at work.
I thought you quit?
Quit? Quit what?
Eating tongue.
I am going gluten free.
Ah, what a waste.
I'm going to bring
that delicious desert
that Leila brought.
I don't maman to know
I quit.
She's gonna have
a heart attack.
So, what made you quit?
My American case.
I have a big day tomorrow.
Ooh. Let me be
your sidekick this time.
Otherwise,
I'll tell maman you quit.
You traitor. I told you,
you can't be my sidekick.
It's too dangerous.
Thank you very much, Leila joon
for this sholeh zard.
You know, saffron and cinnamon
make the man stronger.
And this rice pudding?
Makes the woman fertilizing.
What is your point?
My point is
that you two should fuck.
Hi. I'm sorry
I'm sorry. Ow.
You're gonna be
in a lot of trouble.
Agh!
You will be my sand dune.
Ooh.
And I will be
your bedouin.
Rr-rar-rr.
Can I hide inside you?
There's so much room
in there for you to hide.
Oh, baby.
Oh, oh!
Oh, oh, not the ear,
not the ear, not the ear.
- I go for take a leak.
- Okay, baby.
I will miss you.
Ooh.
- Ah-hh!
- Jimmy Westwood?
Mrs. Monroe?
Mrs. Monroe.
So good to see you.
- What are the chances?
- What are you doing here?
Me? Um... I was just,
you know, exercising.
Yes, it's a new workout.
This is called "The photo abs."
you just-- look...
Oh, that's good abs.
That's good ab work,
Mr. Westwood.
Yeah, it's getting hard.
Ooh, tell me more
about things getting hard.
You're emitting
that exotic desert smell.
- Oh, I smell like the desert?
- Oh, yeah...
- Oh, that's good.
- Dirty, Sandy, desert.
- Oh, good.
- Jimmy?
- Leila!
- Jimmy?
What are you doing here?
- Jogging.
- You jog a lot.
Yeah, well I'm training
for the...
Breast cancer
awareness month.
There's a race
for breasts?
What are you doing here?
I was just getting
some exercises,
so that I could
save lives at the beach,
okay?
So I'm gonna get back
to exercising and you should
get back to jogging.
- Okay.
- Go.
- I will.
- Go.
I'm watching...
She's very intense.
Oh--!
She's special, right?
- I'm okay.
- No, you're not.
The female tiger
knows the male
is ready to mate
because of its scent,
not to mention
its throbbing,
massive tiger erection.
- Jamshid fakhredinpour.
- What?
Mehdi told me
that you quit your job
to go out and take
some pictures?
Um... well, uh...
Yes, I quit.
There. I said it.
Why would I work
for that butcher
when I can make $5,000 a veek
vorking as a p.I.?
Enough with this
p.I. Business.
You're gonna
hurt yourself--
did you say $5,000?
- Yes.
- In one veek?
Yes.
Then why didn't you quit
your job earlier, dummy?
- What's this?
- Just a little something
I bought with this veek's
p.I. Money.
You blow all your money
to buy a TV?
- Are you out of your crazy mind?
- But maman, this is not
an ordinary TV.
This is a top of the line,
103-inch hd TV
- with 3-d visualization.
- Jamshid,
you are very
irresponsible.
You are not using your brain.
You stupid,
stupid, stupid--
did you say 3D?
Vow. It's so real.
I feel I can touch
the tiger.
Ah!
I love your new job.
Finally, I can
get my eye surgery.
Face-lifting. Go to Hawaii.
Liposuction.
Buy a big chandelier
for here.
I don't know, you could
tell him something catchy,
like "Blow me."
think that'll do it?
No, that's what she said,
she said she had a sister.
- What do I know?
- Mr. Monroe.
- I have your pictures.
- Sure. Get back to me.
Sir, sir, I have the pictures.
The ones you asked for.
Pictures?
- Yep. That's all.
- That's all?
Yeah. Got the pictures.
Case closed.
Okey-dokey. Uh, sir,
I just want to let you know
I quit my job
for this case
so I have a lot of free time
on my hands,
so in case you need me for
anything, just let me know.
No, no, nope,
nope, no, thanks.
- Thank you, sir.
- Okay. Goodbye.
Thank you.
I can get your laundry.
I can repaint the house.
I can do interior designing.
I can work on your posture.
Whatever you're in the mood for,
you just let me know.
- I'm there for you.
- No thanks.
- Just giving you options.
- No, thank you.
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Bye.
I noticed the limousine
is getting a little dirty.
Jimmy, get the hell
outta my house!
Okay.
- Jimmy?
- Mr. mehdi?
What are you
doing here?
- I own the place?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know, in case
you're wondering
what I am doing here?
I just happened to be in the
neighborhood and I thought.
"Maybe I should stop by
and say hi to Mr. mehdi
and bring him a gift."
ah, a gift,
for homayoun's wedding.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
A gift for you-- of apology.
For me?
Hmm. Thank you.
Dates? Zeki.
I have six cartons of this.
Mr. mehdi, you have
six cartons of everything.
What do you get a man
who has six cartons
of everything?
- Let me think...
- What?
- Oh yeah, I know.
- What?
A top of the line
security guard.
V-v-v-vip.
Ah... I knew you would
come crawling back.
You want your old job
back, don't you?
- Well, if you insist, okay.
- Wish I could do, Jimmy,
but since you quit,
I had to hire someone else.
- Really? Who?
- Rick.
On top of security,
he is redoing
all the electrical wiring
for the entire store.
Rick, how's it coming?
Think I found the problem,
Mr. mehdi.
Ah, that guy is good.
Hey, look...
I know times are hard.
But hang in there, jamshid.
- Hang in there.
- I vill gonna, Mr. mehdi.
Ugh!
I'm never gonna be an American
hero like esteve McQueen.
I don't even have good hair.
I'm a loser.
Loser. Loser. Loser.
Goodbye hair.
Hey, you want
some cookie--
don't do it!
- Do what?
- Kill yourself.
- Kill myself?
- You have blood on your face.
Blood?
Bah. That's the ink
from your stupid flyers.
- Get off me.
- Is everything okay?
No, everything is not okay.
Mr. Monroe let me go.
Some white guy from Harvard
took my job at the market.
And maman
vants breast implants,
an SUV, and season tickets
to the Lakers.
What happened?
She got a taste
of the American dream,
- and now she's a monster.
- No. What happened at work?
I solved the case.
I gave him the pictures.
And now I have nothing to do
but vatch this estupid DVD
that comes
with the television.
I can't even afford
basic cable.
Wow. It's so clear.
You know what you need?
A dose of culture.
We're going
to whole foods?
We now come to Diego
Velazquez' masterpiece.
"Christ crucified,"
Where Jesus' nudity
is portrayed
with delicious
erotic overtones.
Notice the armpits.
Velasquez chooses to remove
all of the hair,
creating a purity
of artistic line.
Remember this is
2000 years
before the invention
of the razor.
We've placed the portrait
in the middle of the hall
so that you may the glory of
Jesus from the front,
and also behind.
- Ha!
- Ah!
Okay...
Now, we turn
to the Cyrus cylinder.
Named after
Cyrus the great,
the Cyrus cylinder is one
of the most famous
surviving icons
from the ancient world.
The cylinder
has been described
as one of the first charters
of human rights.
- He was persian.
- Unfortunately.
I'll give you a few moments now
to take in all of its splendor.
Enjoy.
Actually, the Americans
stole the idea for the
bill of rights
from this guy.
One of the founding fathers,
George Jefferson,
was inspired by him.
It's true.
I read it on viki-pedia.
Enjoy the splendor.
Leila,
take some pictures.
Oh, yeah.
I ran out of space.
I just-- I have to delete
some photos.
- Ah.
- Sorry.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Are you insane?
There's no photos here.
You're not allowed
to take photos.
- Why?
- Why?
Because that has a flash,
and that's stone.
You can't flash stone.
Are you insane?
God.
- Ooh.
- Take a Xanax.
No flash stone.
Flash stone, this guy.
Eh, it's homayoun.
Homayoun.
Oh, Jimmy.
Jimmy, uh, you remember
homeira?
Oh, yes, hi.
- Nice to see you.
- This is my cousin, Leila.
You never told me
you have a cousin.
Leila, I love that color
on you.
You should come
to the wedding.
Okay.
Oh, no, you don't have
to invite her.
- She's my sixth cousin.
- Seventh.
Shh, be quiet.
You're coming to the wedding.
- You're still getting married?
- Excuse me?
He's so funny.
He's being funny.
Jimmy, can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.
- I like your dress.
- Thank you.
I just threw something on.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- You haven't told her yet?
- No. No, I can't.
- Why not?
Why not? My dad is spending
a fortune on this wedding.
You've seen him with a knife.
He'll kill me.
You can marry Freddy.
All you have to do
- is move to Massachusetts.
- I don't want to move
- to Massachusetts.
- Come on, come on,
- you move to Massachusetts.
- You move to Massachusetts.
No, you have to move
to Massachusetts.
- No, you have to.
- No, you move to Massachusetts.
- You move to Massachusetts.
- No, you--
Thanks god.
He estarted it.
Jimmy...?
Hello? Mr. Monroe.
How are you?
- Jimmy?
- Well, tomorrow,
I have a vedding to go to,
but for you,
- I move things around.
- Oof!
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
- Leila.
- Yeah?
That was Mr. Monroe.
I'm rehired. Fantastic!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
No.
No-oo-oo!
Yeah-hh!
Ow!
I'm gonna get
crucified for this.
He's coming.
Jimmy?
- Yes.
- Nice to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Uh, yes, uh, thank you.
Yes, hello, Mr. Monroe.
Hello, Mrs. Monroe.
- Hello, Mr. Westwood.
- Good to see you.
- Okay, you comfortable?
- I'm good, sir.
- How are you today?
- God, it's great to see you.
I gotta thank you
for saving my marriage.
- Me?
- You.
- How?
- I had to tell Marcy
that I hired you
to follow her, to take
those photos, right?
- Sorry about that, Mrs. Monroe.
- it's all right.
- You were just doing your job.
- Igg-zactly.
And I realized that Marcy
was merely starved
for some attention.
Right, honey?
I mean, what kind of husband
had I been?
Not once had
I ever asked her
whether she wanted
to go to the ocean
or to grauman's Chinese,
or universal studios
for that matter.
- The important things.
- I love you, schnookums.
- I love you, too, sweetie.
- Aw.
So, thanks to you,
- Marcy and I have mended ways.
- Okay, get to the point.
What point?
The point is now this
arab guy is blackmailing me
for a cool
one million dollars.
Wow. He wants one million
for flinging vith your vife?
Yeah. He says that if he
doesn't get this money
by 6:00 this afternoon,
then he's gonna go public
with this affair
and try to bring me down.
- Ah. This guy.
- Yeah.
- Arabs.
- Yeah. I need you, Jimmy.
I need you to deliver
this money to him.
Sir, I vould love to,
but that vedding I vas
telling you about
is right around the same time.
It's gonna be cutting it
very close, so...
Oh, I just thought to throw in
an extra $5,000 dollars...
- For your trouble.
- The guy is gay anyvay.
Never gonna vork out.
Jimmy vestvood,
- at your service.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
I knew I could count on you.
Jeez, I got an appointment.
Okay, Marcy, can you do me
a favor and show Jimmy out?
- This way, Mr. Westwood.
- At your service.
- Jimmy?
- Yes, sir.
Jimmy. You forgot
the briefcase.
Oh, yes, sorry, sir,
got a lot on my mind.
Sorry about that, sir.
Just making sure
it's all there, sir.
Always wanna be thorough, sir.
You want to make sure...
Let's see. 45, 55...
75,
one million. Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Pico, sawtelle, 6;00 P.M.
warehouse.
Pico and sawtelle,
6;00 P.M.
It's all right there sir.
Machine. I'm a machine.
Locked machine.
Key is out. Goodbye.
I'm gonna be there. 6:00--
where was it again?
- Oh, Jimmy.
- Whoa-aa!
How I've missed you.
Ooh, that musky breath.
Oh, you're so swarmy,
you're so smarmy, you're
so stinky, you're so sexy.
Oh, miss Monroe, your husband
is gonna kill us.
Shh-hh.
Oh, oh, not the ears.
Not the ears.
Ah-hh! That's definitely
not the ears.
Miss Monroe.
This is not right.
You are a married woman.
Oh, you're right.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
You should just go.
Shh-hh. Just go.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
You're my hero.
I love you.
Hello?
Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?
Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?
- Ricola.
- Ricola... ricola.
- Hello?
- Hello...? Hello...?
- Mr. malek?
- Hey, you got the money?
I can't hear you.
Hold on. One second.
Let me take this off.
- What about the bunny?
- You got the money? The money.
Oh, yeah, I have it right here.
Calm down. It's right here.
You drive a hard bargain.
- One million dollars.
- Open it.
Ha, ha, ha...
Wait a minute.
This is the wrong briefcase.
There's an alarm clock in here,
with a wire attached
to something
that says "C4"...
Which is attached
to a button that says.
"Push here to detonate"?
Wonder what would happen
if I pushed it right now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy buddy, that's a bomb.
Hands up.
- What happened to your accent?
- Oh, I'm not arab.
- You're not?
- Nope. Italian-American.
LAPD, undercover.
Hands up. Hands up.
You've been pretending
all along?
Uh, that's what "Undercover"
Means, moron.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, you're not.
Mrs. Marcy Monroe's lover?
No.
And you're not blackmailing
j.P. Monroe?
Nope.
And you're not
hung like a horse?
Oh, no, that's all real.
God bless.
God bless. God bless.
Now, I need you to pose
next to the briefcase.
I need to get some pictures
of you in front of it.
Oh, I see
what's going on here.
- What?
- You're just jealous of me
because Mrs. Monroe
has feelings for me, so--
no, you idiot.
I'm arresting you
'cause you're a terrorist.
Now, pose for the picture.
Okay. Don't shoot.
Calm down. Okay.
No smiling. No, no, no.
No smiling.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, here.
- Peace signs. Seriously?
- Uh, okay.
- What are you doing?
- You told me to pose.
It's a bomb! What, are you
gonna have sex with it?!
Okay, sorry.
Here we go, here we go.
Oh, no,
we gotta do that again.
- Your eyes were closed.
- I know, I'm sorry.
When I get nervous,
I blink a lot.
This is all very confusing.
What's going on here?
- What is it, jimbo?
- Mr. Monroe?
Jimbo, you don't understand
what's going on?
I'd be happy to explain it
to you since I thought it up
and I don't happen to think
that it's a bad plan myself
in particular.
We are going to war
with Iran
and we couldn't
have done it without you
and your incompetence.
Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
- Oh, then, no thank you.
- It's still not a compliment.
- Okay then, back to you.
Tie him up, Anthony.
I'll give you the honors.
The pleasure is all mine.
Hi, Mr. Karl,
good to see you--
ow. Take it easy.
Oh, that's an expensive
helmet, sir.
- Shut up.
- Calm down. Take it easy. Okay.
Here, let me help you.
Here, let me get my
hand in there.
Okay. Go.
Mrs. Monroe, what's going on
here? Please help me.
So you still
don't get it, Jimmy?
Okay, show him
the monitor, honey.
Maybe a picture is worth
a thousand words.
Breaking news.
This I-ranian man,
jamshit
faa-akhedherinthepool...
Fakhredinpour. Fakhredinpour.
How hard is it?
...is suspected
of plotting a series
of devastating terror attacks
on America.
He was caught
on surveillance camera
- training for his mission.
- Watch this part, will ya?
This is where the nail
goes right into
your coffin.
A 10-million-dollar reward
is being offered
to anyone with information
that could lead
to his arrest.
10 million dollars?
Vow, that's pretty good.
Meanwhile, congress is
ratifying a declaration of war
against Iran
even as we speak.
Iran has indicated
that should the U.S. launch
a preemptive strike
against the islamic Republic,
they will initiate
a pre-preemptive attack
against the zionist state,
who, in turn,
has vowed to launch a pre-pre-
preemptive attack
- on Iran's closest Ally, Syria.
- It's "Vorld var tree."
exactamundo!
And my business,
my business is gonna
be thriving,
- thanks to you, my man.
- What business?
My business, my business
of manufacturing
predator drones,
all over the place.
Everywhere around here, see?
Predator drones.
And I've manufactured
a drone that could remotely
control another drone
so we don't need
a human being to work it.
You are taking good jobs avay
from innocent Americans?
That's evil.
Evil? It's genius.
I knew that I had to convince
the American people
to go to war if I wanted
to sell my product.
- Yeah, baby.
- That's the American way,
you see?
And I knew that I
had to make you out to be
the world's worst terrorist.
And now I have everything
I need
to justify this war.
Are we clear?
Not exactly.
That was a lot of exposition.
Can you give it to me
in bullet points?
- No.
- Okay, how about cliff notes?
- No.
- Viki-pedia?
Ow! Take it easy.
Mr. Monroe, I'm not sure
what you're saying,
but one thing I do know
is that the American people
are not so estupid
that they vould
go to a var
just because of the actions
of one terrorist.
Funny guy.
I'm here all week.
Tip your waitress.
Oops. Ran out of space.
Leila, what are you
doing here?
I told you this stuff
is dangerous!
- Who the hell is she?
- My sixth cousin.
- Seventh.
- What's she doing here?
- She's recording us.
- Well, then get her.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Get her.
Run, Leila. Run.
Guys?
What about me?
Don't leave me here alone
with the pigeons.
I don't like pigeons.
Nice to meet you, Jimmy
vestvood, at your service.
Nice to... nice--
nice to meet you?
Jimmy vestvood
at your service,
nice to meet you.
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
Jimmy... vestvood...
At your service.
Jimmy vestvood...
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service. Ha!
Jimmy! Get in!
Leila!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go...
Holy crap.
They're following us.
Oh, ho, ho,
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
I love my sunny--
- ow!
- Take it easy.
- No time to take it easy.
Oh, parvaneh joon,
you look super-tacular
tonight.
Okay, take it easy, mehdi.
I am worried about jamshid.
- Have you seen him?
- Just relax.
Try my kabob.
You're gonna love it.
- Oh-hh.
- Okay, okay,
you can try my kabob later.
Let me show you around.
Make up your mind
which way you want to go.
- You want to get away or what?
- I wanna live.
Give me your phone.
Agh!
My face is all over
the news.
I'm "America's
most wanted terrorist."
they're gonna send me to
Guantanamo and waterboard me
and make me listen
to heavy metal music.
- I don't like metallica.
- Stop that.
- Ow! What did you do that for?
- I can't stand self-pity.
This is a free country.
I have the right
to bear arms
- and self-pity myself.
- So you're just gonna
let those war hawks
start world war III?
Well, I mean, you know,
what are my options?
- I don't really have a lot--
- no!
- Then what?
- I don't know,
I'm just your sidekick.
I got it!
- Great. What is it?
- Uh, I forget.
Oh! I remember.
To homayoun's wedding.
Estep on it.
We met at this Halloween
costume party.
We were both dressed as Cher.
It was so funny.
I think this year,
we're gonna do "Thelma
and Louise."
I'm fighting for Thelma,
so we'll see.
Kox news?
This is Jimmy vestvood,
the wanted terrorist
everyone is looking for.
Please tell Mr. Hank shannity
that I want to Grant him
the exclusive interview
of my confessional.
Yes, tell him
to meet me in 15 minutes
at homayoun's vedding.
You don't know homayoun?
Here's the address.
Give me the address.
Check it,
I'm mc I-ran, okay?
When I say "I,"
Y'all say "Ran."
- I...
- Ran!
- I...
- Ran!
Check it, check it--
Dude, I am rapping.
- Jimmy baba, slow down.
- Yeah, man, go with the flow.
I don't have time
for the flow.
Jimmy. Where have you been?
Me and mom were worried
about you.
You missed the ceremony.
Come, come, let's dance.
Leila, do the thing,
do the thing.
Mr. mehdi.
Okay, okay, okay, sir.
- Where is he?
- There he is.
Put that away.
Not here.
Where is he? How the hell
do you tell them apart?
Oh-oh-oh.
I wanna eat you
like a peach.
- It's talking to me.
- You are talkin' to my wife.
I'm sorry.
- Come on, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
- Let's dance.
- We'd rather not.
Amir. Hamid. Shahin.
Look, Americans.
Let's show them.
We're gonna show you.
- I don't dance.
- What's your name?
- My name is j.P., but--
- excellent.
J.C., let's do this.
Aha. Bia. Bia.
Bia. Bia.
We need that video, Jimmy.
Where's your cousin?
Hello, Mr. Karl.
Take it easy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
You're not goin'
anywhere, Jimmy.
Hey, Jimmy, why don't you give
someone else a chance?
- Get out of the circle.
- Yeah, man.
- There's no "I" In circle.
- I can't. I'm stuck.
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist?
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist!
It's true.
It's on kox news
so it has to be real.
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist.
- No-oo!
- No, come on.
And there's
a $10 million reward
- for his capture.
- So? Get him!
- That's ten million bucks.
- Ah-hh! My heart!
Parvaneh, parvaneh!
You okay?
My god, there's
a whole horde of 'em.
Wait a minute,
that's not him.
I think you need
mouth-to-mouth recuperation.
- I don't need mouth-to-mouth.
- Yes, you do.
Four, three...
This is Hank shannity
reporting live
from the epicenter
of a jihadist convention.
- Guys, guys, calm down.
- What the heck...?
Calm down.
I can explain everything.
Zoom in. Zoom in.
- I have something
to confess...
My name is
jamshid fakhredinpour.
"Fuckedherinthepool."
I came to this country
to be an American hero.
Along the vay, I thought
I had to change who I vas
but thanks to the help
of my sixth cousin--
seventh cousin.
I learned that you have
to embrace who you are.
And you don't
have to be American
to be an American hero.
So, I estand
in front of you today
to tell you
that I am a terrorist.
I'm gonna get
an Emmy for this.
If you believe this guy.
What's the one thing
I'm better at than homayoun?
Oh, I can vogue
better than him.
- Vogue...
- Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.
Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.
I love Madonna.
- That was the wrong video.
- You heard him.
He's a terrorist.
Congress is going to vote on
a resolution to attack Iran.
- It's all Jimmy's fault.
- Get him!
Oh-hh!
Lifetime of laughter...
Everybody,
we're live on kox news.
It's Hank shannity.
Hank, over here.
Guys?
Guys!
Do another one.
I was blinking.
Guys, remember me?
The wanted terrorist?
Guys, guys, over here.
Yeah, yeah, guys, guys.
What I meant to say is that
I am a terrorist...
If you believe this guy.
I knew that I had to convince
the American people...
Oh, crap.
...If I wanted to sell
my product!
That's the American way,
you see?
And I knew that I had to
make you out to be
- the world's worst terrorist...
- Shannity, shut that off.
That's the guy
that set up Jimmy!
- Shut it off.
- Go to black. Go to black.
Shut that thing off!
Uh... oh, uh, looks like
we're experiencing
some technical
difficulties here.
Let's get
to some other news...
Meet koko, a parrot who can
sing the star spangled banner
while she hops
on one leg.
Get them, get them!
No, guys, take it easy.
We're peaceful people.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is my son's wedding.
Let us not allow
a terrorist conspiracy
that almost led
to world war III,
stop us
from celebrating.
- Uh, dad?
- Yes, son?
Um, I also have
something to confess.
- You're a terrorist, too?
- Oh, no.
- I'm gay.
- Ha, ha. Yes!
- No. No.
- Wedding over. Wedding over.
You know what a mistake
you're making?
- You know who I am?
- It pinches.
Congress voted no
to war with Iran.
Jamshid fakhredinpour.
I am proud of you.
Oh, thank you, maman.
Thank you.
Maman, maman. Now
that you are feeling better,
please, for god's sake,
try my kebab.
Oh-hh...! Mmm.
Delicious.
Ugh!
She likes it.
Jimmy, you did it.
You're an American hero.
Oh Leila, don't be
so melodramatic.
I couldn't have done it
without you.
- You're the American hero.
- No, I insist.
You're the American hero.
Leila, don't make me insist.
You're the American hero.
Leila, oh, no, not the ears,
not the ears.
Oh, yes, the ears.
Leila, that's good earwork, yes.
Jimmy... Jimmy... Jimmy!
When there's no destination
that's too far
somewhere along the way,
you might find out who you are
- whoo!
- living in America
eye to eye
station to station
living in America
hand to hand
across the nation
living in America...
Diplomacy
may have won today,
but if I were America,
I vould vatch my back.
Oh, and I want to add the list
of black people who I like--
Oprah vinfrey.
I love her book clubs.
Many miles
of railroad track
all night radio...
To the east, hurricane Abdullah
is going to be threatening
the Manhattan skyline,
so all you intellectuals
might wanna get out
your prayer mats and
hug a cab driver.
- Shannity!
- What? Well, I didn't name it.
You might have to walk
the fine line
you might take
the hard line
but everybody's workin'...
Overtime
living in America
eye to eye
station to station
living in America
hand to hand...
Yah-hh!
She was just
polishin' the furniture.
Got to have
a celebration
I live in America...
One thing people don't know
about homeira?
Oh, she loves
to recite Shakespeare.
Beautifully.
"Two households,
both alike in dignity,
in fair verona,
where we lay our scene,
from ancient grudge
to break to new mutiny,
where civil blood makes
civil hands unclean."
I feel good!
With the reward money
I got
for turning in the terrorist--
who ended up not being
a terrorist
so they had to discount
the money, thank you
very much--
I was able to refurbish
the Cyrus cylinder
and fix the hole
in Jesus Christ.
- We love you, Jimmy.
- I love you, too.
Crap.
- Ah...!
- Cut.
Today, unnamed sources
discovered the following footage
from a website
that calls itself
the "Jihadi people's front."
I want to warn you,
the images you're about to see
are rather disturbing,
but if you're a true patriot,
you won't look away.
Now the crowd behind me
can be seen celebrating
the recent crash
of a U.S. drone,
all the while chanting,
"He's going to America,
he's going to America!"
referring apparently to their
ringleader, this man.
Although we have
no idea who he is
because all of these people
look alike,
unconfirmed sources
have confirmed
he is extremely dangerous
and may be intending
on sneaking into America
to perform acts of jihad.
Well, I don't know
about you folks,
but I certainly pray
he doesn't make it.
This is your captain speaking.
We're entering
American airspace.
America, where the
international telephone code
is one...
For a reason.
- Namaste.
- Namaste!
Arigato. Arigato.
Domo arigato.
Arigato, Mr. roboto.
Arigato.
Jesus Christ.
- Allah-o-akbar!
- Air Marshall. Freeze!
Let's roll!
Ow! Watch the nose!
Okay, mister... "Jam-shit"?
Jamshid.
- Jamshit.
- Jamshid.
- Shit.
- Shid.
- Shit.
- Shee-eed.
- Shit.
- Shid.
- Shit...
- Shid...
Shee-it.
Just call me, "Jimmy."
okay, Jimmy.
And your last name is...
"Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?
- Fakhredinpour!
- "Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?
- Fakhredinpour!
- "Fach-hh-ed-her-in-da-pool"?
Look, you need to do something
about those names, okay?
It's a little crazy.
So where will you be
staying, Jimmy?
Oh, my cousin, Leila,
has procured an apartment
for us next to her
in vestvood.
You mean, "Westwood,"
Jimmy.
- Vest-vood.
- West-wood.
- Vestvood.
- "Wuh."
- veh, veh...
- Wuh-wuh-wuh.
- "World wide web."
- "Vorld vide veb."
- "Wascally wabbit."
- "Vask-Ally vabbit."
- "The wild wild west."
- "The vild vild vest."
you know what, forget that.
Okay, what's your occupation?
Oh, no, sir, we are not
here to occupy you.
We only come in peace.
No, no. Occupation means,
what work do you do?
Oh! Well, actually I was one
of the top traffic officers
in all of Tehran, not to brag.
But I was also working toward
becoming a p.I.
So I understand
this kind of questioning.
English only, ma'am.
- What is "Pee eye"?
- Private investigator.
"Private"...
My lifelong dream? I have
told you like a thousand times?
No idea what you are
talking about.
- Ah-hh!
- Ah-hh!
- Eh-hh!
- Eh-hh!
Yeah?
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Looks like you two check out.
Word of advice, Jimmy.
People here are on edge, okay?
So I would try to fit in
and try to act less...
What's the word
I'm looking for...?
"Terroristy."
You dig?
Officer, I've been telling
my mother
that ve should only
espeak in English.
- You dig?
- I dig, baba, I dig!
Okay, you dig.
So you are free to go.
- Oh! Allah-o-akbar!
- I said less terroristy!
Officer...
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!
Welcome to America.
Sir, we've reached out
to the iranian
Mohammad Mohammad
mohammadi.
And?
If we guarantee fifty million,
he'll play ball.
- Guarantee it.
- Yes, sir.
And make sure our congressman
pushes through that resolution
for a pre-emptive strike.
- In progress, sir.
- And the other piece?
Ah, well, do you remember
that story on kox news,
about six months ago?
You mean about that
radical fanatic?
Well, as it turns out,
he's not a radical at all.
Our drones captured
these photos of him.
He's a low-level traffic cop.
A nobody.
He's terrible at his job.
Nobody likes him.
- He's got a sweet tooth.
- Sure, he does.
That's exactly
what he's got.
He has a real penchant
for cotton candy.
He put himself
in a sugar coma, sir.
- Oh, really?
- Yes, sir.
-Oh, you mean this one?
The dog likes him.
The dog likes the sugar, sir.
And the best part is,
after he left Iran,
he moved here to Los Angeles.
- He lives here?
- Yes, sir.
I think we've got our guy.
- Yeah.
- Good work, Karl.
Thank you, sir.
Help yourself
to some jelly beans.
While publicly maintaining
that their nuclear program is
solely for peaceful purposes,
the islamic Republic's
supreme commander
of nuclear proliferation,
Mohammad Mohammad mohammadi,
during a visit to Venezuela,
gave the following speech,
let's look.
If Americans don't estop
their provocative accusations,
ve vill have no choice
but to destroy them.
Ve condemn the great Satan
and ve vill not stand
for their bullying.
Canada.
Always bullying people.
Oh, one more thing.
I hate gays, Jews, and blacks.
Except for magic Johnson--
pre-aids.
Him, I like.
- Thank you.
- I like him, too.
- Oh, I like him, too.
- You like him, too?
- Mm-hmm.
- We have something in common.
Now we at kox news
pride ourselves on the facts,
bringing you the facts
and the truth in our news.
No editorializing
and no fearmongering.
Which is why I can say
with certitude
that, even as we speak,
the iranians are developing
American-exterminating
weapons.
And because they hate us--
they hate our freedoms,
everything we stand for,
our ability to have a family,
they hate our freedoms
to walk with our dogs and
our children at night,
go out on a Sunday
for a walk with our dog
and have a hot dog.
Make no mistake,
your children aren't safe
and your dogs
aren't safe.
Very soon, the bombs
are gonna be in the air.
What's with suede jacket?
Who do you think you are?
Esteve McQueen?
- Ehh.
- Eh?
-Hank shannity is talking.
-Up next, do you use
a cellular phone?
- Yes.
- Chances are good
- you're already dying of cancer.
- No.
- We'll be right back.
- Our TV is too small.
Oh, shut up.
- Agh! I was watching!
- Put your uniform on.
I'm not gonna wear that silly
security jacket again.
Don't be a child.
You know how many
strings I pulled
to make mehdi give you
that job in market?
You pulled estrings to get me
a job as a security guard?
- Yes.
- Gee.
Good thing
you're well-connected.
Eh.
I didn't come to this country
to be a security guard.
I came to this country
to be an American hero.
Like esteve McQueen.
"Freeze.
You're under arrest.
You have
the right to an attorney,
you have the right to dance."
- Hi, maman.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, cousin Leila.
- Jimmy.
Hi, Leila.
I made these flyers for your
private investigator business.
Leila, this is
fantastic.
- What is it?
- Here you go.
Huh.
This is upside down.
Oh, no, no.
Oh. Who is this
"Jimmy vestvood"?
That's my new American name.
It came to me in a dream.
Jamshid, this private
investigator
is very dangerous
business.
And you,
please don't push him
with this Jimmy
vestvood dreams. Eh.
She's alvays squashing
my dreams, this one.
- I tell you.
- I know.
You know, Leila,
I like what you did here.
I just wish you would have
shown my hair.
What hair?
I like it.
Yes, I'm just saying,
you know, it's in a little bit
of a recession,
you know, like the economy.
Jimmy vestvood, private
investigator, at your service.
- No.
- Thank you very much.
Jimmy vestvood, at your
service, private inves--
- No.
- Thank you very much.
Thanks for considering.
Thank you.
Jimmy vestvood,
private investigator.
Private investigator?
So, you help find things?
Yes, sir, I do.
How can I be of help?
Can you help me
find my quarter?
It's right there.
Oh, you're good.
You're good.
Hey Jimmy, can you
investigate us a dime bag?
Can you find me
an Asian woman?
Yo, dawg, hook me up
with a record deal.
I'm persian like a cat
do you like my hat?
That's my brother, Matt.
- Investigate that.
- Jamshid.
What do you think you're doing?
Come walk with me.
Passing out flyers
on my time?
This is very selfish.
And don't you forget,
if it wasn't for me
to give you job,
you would be back home
in Iran in prison.
- Why would I be in prison?
- Pshh.
Do you think they need
to have a reason
- to put you in prison in Iran?
- Good point.
But it doesn't even make
a difference, Mr. mehdi.
These people all just
want wishy-washy favors.
They don't even get
what a p.I. Does.
And no offense, Mr. mehdi,
but I did not come to America
to work at a persian
supermarket.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You should be grateful
that you have a place
to work in this economy.
Ask Rick.
He'll tell you.
Dude, I'm white, good-looking,
I have a ph.D in economics
from Harvard and this
is the best job I've had
- since graduating.
- Okay, do it again,
and this time,
use more elbow doctor.
Elbow grease.
"Ph.D."
- prick.
- I heard that.
That's for my
little baby, ooh...
Hey, you open it,
you buy it.
- Homayoun?
- Dad. Hey.
Jamshid, you remember
my son?
Homayoun? The last time
I saw you, you were
a little boy.
What happened?
Puberty?
- That was 20 years ago.
- Wow.
And now he's getting
married to homeira joon.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
You look so happy.
Yeah.
She's always happy.
And once they are married,
he's gonna take over
the business.
Dad. We talked about this.
I don't want to be
a butcher.
I mean,
I'm a vegetarian.
Don't be a pussy.
No offense to you, homeira joon.
I like pussy.
Okay.
Son, I promised your mother
on her deathbed
that you're going
to take over this
butcher empire.
- Homayoun?
- Mh-hmm?
It's you.
Don't break my heart.
Don't break my heart.
Okay, okay, dad.
Let's take it easy, okay?
- It's okay sir, it's okay.
- It's gonna be okay, dad.
Mr. mehdi, come back.
Come back.
Okay... okay.
Congratulations
on the wedding.
Stay happy.
So, how is your mother?
She's good, thanks god.
She's good.
Well, I tell you what.
If you convince her
to go on a date with me,
I will let you
pass out your flyers.
Mr. mehdi, I'm not gonna
pimp out my own mother.
You're not pimping her out.
I just want to take her
out for a Starbucks.
You scratch my balls,
I scratch yours.
I'm pretty sure
it's "Back."
well, my back
is not itching.
Okay, you got a deal.
I scratch your balls.
Okay, I will give her
my beef.
She's gonna love it.
And, I will
throw in my bone.
Mr. Westwood.
At your service.
I understand you're
a private investigator.
- Yes, I am.
- I may have a job for you.
- What kind of job?
- Please, get in.
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood. Hey.
- Ugh!
- Sorry. Sir.
Get in. Plug the nose.
Sorry, sir.
- Oh, god.
- Let me get that for you.
- Oh-hh!
- Sorry, sir.
Oh, wow.
A big-screen TV.
This is
the American dream.
Mr. Monroe will be
with you in a moment.
Can I get you a cocktail
while you wait?
Yes. Tea.
Hot tea.
Stirred, not shaking.
Shaken, not stirred...
Oh.
Hello, deer.
I would not shoot you.
Hello?
Mr. Westwood?
Over here.
Oh, sorry,
I was just practicing
- my investigator techniques.
- J.P. Monroe.
Nice to meet you.
Don't mind him.
That's just some liberal
I shot in the head once.
Just kidding.
Oh!
You're just kidding.
No, I did. I shot him.
Just kiddin'.
No.
I did. I shot him.
Just kidding.
Oh,
you're kidding again.
- He died of natural causes.
- Oh, good.
Right after I shot him
in the head.
Not good.
You don't mind if I call you
Jimmy, do you?
- At your service.
- You're not a liberal?
I don't even know
what that means.
Here, sir.
Stirred, not shaken.
Thank you, Mr. Karl.
Thank you very much.
- Very appreciate your efforts.
- Sure.
Oh, ho, ho,
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so.
Just stop it. Stop. Stop.
Hello, I'm Marcy.
Marcy Monroe.
I'm Jimmy.
Jimmy vestvood.
Like Clint eastvood,
but vestvood.
The pleasure's all mine,
Mr. Westwood.
Oh, no, no, I insist.
The pleasure is mine.
No, no, I insist.
The pleasure is all mine.
No, you see,
I cannot accept that
because where I come from,
the pleasure between us?
It must be all mine.
Well, I'm a modern
American woman
and this is America,
so the pleasure will
have to be mine.
Okay, okay, fine.
The pleasure is all... mine.
Oh. Sorry,
that's my phone.
Oh, "Blocked number"?
Curious who that could be.
Hold on.
Hello?
Maman?
Maman, I'm busy.
Yes, maman, I ate
my vegetables today.
No, I did not find
a vife.
He smells like beef.
Sorry about that.
Very important client.
So, vere vas ve?
Honey, why don't you go get
your hair done or something?
Mr. Westwood and I have
some business to discuss.
Okay.
You like staring at my wife,
don't ya, jimbo?
Yes.
Oh, no, I mean,
no, sir. No. No.
Oh, it's okay.
Many, many men enjoy staring
at my old lady.
Which is part of the reason why
I brought you here today, Jim.
The reason
I wanna hire you, jimbo,
is because I think that
my wife is having an affair
with an a-rab,
if you can imagine.
And what better way
to catch an a-rab
than with another a-rab--
in the act?
Good point, sir. Very good
point, very good point.
But sir, just fyi,
I am actually not arab.
I'm actually from Iran.
"Iraqi, irani, kiss my Fanny."
What do I know?
You know these people.
You know how this guy thinks,
where he goes, what he does.
Follow them.
Find out if my wife
is having an affair.
Karl?
There's $2500 in this envelope,
all right? It's yours.
And there's plenty more
where this comes from
if you think you can
get the job done.
Oh, yes, sir,
I can get the job done.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Leila. You escared me.
How did you get in here?
Easy. I let myself in
by squeezing through
the bathroom window
after jumping off
the fire escape
of the adjacent building.
Jimmy. I have to
tell you something.
This isn't easy
for me to say,
but there's no better time
than the now.
Ever since we were kids,
I've had the craziest
crush on you.
There's just
something about you.
You're so pure,
so innocent.
I mean,
look at your face.
You even have
deer-like features.
- Deers are creatures?
- No. Deer-like features.
You had a deer
for a teacher?
No!
I can't hear a vord
you're saying!
What about the deers?
- What I'm trying to say is--
- wait, Leila,
you have to hear this.
Come here, come here.
I'm sorry, Leila, I have
something to tell you.
- Wait, where's maman?
- She's sleeping.
Anyway, I got my first
big case today.
Yeah? What is it?
This big shot American client
wants me to follow his wife
to see if she's
cheating on him.
Ooh.
And she is hot.
Super-duper hot.
- Just sexy--
- congratulations.
Thanks. But not a word
to maman, okay?
Because I don't want her
to think
that I'm ignoring
my job at the market.
Sure. I won't
tell her anything.
Hey, I have an idea.
What if I was your sidekick?
No, that's the worst idea
I have ever heard in my life.
I mean, it's just
not a good idea.
It's very dangerous.
You can't be involved
with that.
But I could totally help you.
I could drive you in my car,
I have a magnifying glass
and everything.
Besides, I'm totally bored
at my dad's pharmacy.
How many urinary tract
infections can I cure?
"I got uti, I got uti.
I got uti."
just drink the damn
cranberry juice.
Okay, calm down.
I'll drink it.
Thanks for the offer,
but I have trained for
this line of work.
You can't just get into it
like it's no big deal.
That's the--
the point is,
I don't need a sidekick.
Good night.
Good night for now,
Jimmy vestvood.
But you're gonna need
a sidekick,
and you're gonna
get one whether you
like it or not.
Shh-hh!
Saturday,
10:11 A.M., Malibu beach.
Very private area.
V-v-v-vip.
Top of the line.
I vill gonna go
deep undercover.
Hey, watch it!
Sorry. Excuse me.
Take care.
Have a nice day.
You're kicking sand
in my eyes.
Agh!
Oh, Jimmy.
- Homayoun?
- Jimmy. Hi.
Uh, Jimmy. This is Freddy.
My friend.
Freddy, meet Jimmy.
Nice to meet you, Freddy.
Hi. Nice to--
homayoun,
what's going on here?
What do you mean?
I mean, what's going on
with you?
Oh, with me?
I'm here on a case.
As a private investigator.
I did it.
But don't tell your dad, okay?
He would fire me.
And vorse,
he would tell my mother.
We wouldn't
want that now, uh-hh...
You know what, I won't tell
if you won't tell, huh?
Oh-hh, yeah.
Don't vorry, homayoun,
your secret is safe
with me, okay?
You know, in our community,
being a private investigator
is almost as bad
as being gay.
So I know
what you're going through.
What?
It must be hard
to have a gay lover.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I'm talking about him,
Freddy, your gay lover.
- What?
- This guy. Freddy.
- The black guy.
- Yeah.
You have gay sex with?
In the butt?
Okay, okay.
We know how it works.
- I'm talking about him.
- Okay.
It's not right, homayoun,
that you can't be you.
You know, you should
be you, okay?
If you are gay,
you should be gay.
If you're not gay,
then don't be gay.
Who am I to judge?
Listen, homayoun,
what I'm trying to say is,
don't ask, don't tell.
If you see something,
say something.
Ask not what your country
will gonna do for you,
but what your country
will gonna do for you.
Homayoun, be gay.
You're a gay angel.
You're a "Gayngel."
some of the worst people
I know are straight.
Agh!
It's time for you to climb
out of the cabinet.
You mean come out
of the closet?
Climb, if you
have to jump, hike,
do it,
whatever it takes.
Think about that.
Yeah, you should
put that on the card.
I'm so happy we had
this time to talk.
I have to go, guys.
- Thank you for the advice.
- Shh.
Oh my god, I am so sorry.
You know what?
It's your turn, huh?
Here we go.
Mr. Westwood?
Mrs. Monroe?
- Mr. Westwood.
- What a surprise.
Well, I'm surprised
to see you too.
Well, this is my friend, malek.
He's from Arabia.
Hi, sir, how are you?
Alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah.
- Salaam-alaikum.
- Ah, alaikum assalam.
Schwarma.
- Baba ganoush.
- Pita bread.
So, what is it
you're doing here?
Me? Eh, you know,
on the weekends
I work as a lifeguard.
- Oh, you're a lifeguard?
- Yes. I save the lives.
Help me. I'm drowning!
Help. Help me.
- Shouldn't you help that man?
- What man?
That man. He's drowning.
You just said you're
a lifeguard.
Oh, no, you see...
He's not in my tower
jurisdiction.
I work in tower number 5
and he is drowning
in tower number 6.
You know if I tried to help him,
my boss would kill me.
Brett, that guy's been
calling you for an hour. Ach!
Looks like
Brett has it covered.
So where were we?
I go for exercise.
Mr. Westwood?
Mr. Westwood? Jimmy?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Would you be a doll and rub
this lotion all over my back?
Sure, I can be a doll.
They call me "Jimmy doll."
- I bet they do.
- On the veekends.
Right there.
- Oh. Oh, Mr. Westwood.
- What?
- Oh, that feels really good.
- Oh, yeah?
Oh, Mr. Westwood, that feels
so good, don't you stop.
Don't you stop,
that's the spot right there.
Oh, Mr. Westwood,
that feels so good.
Mrs. Monroe,
we're in public.
Oh, Mr. Westwood, I just can't
stop thinking of you.
Oh, what is it about
you middle eastern men
that's so...
Irresistible?
What?
But you're married,
and you have
a boyfriend.
- I know.
- Oh-hh!
I know, but you're so dark
and exotic and... hairy.
Oh, yes, I'm very hairy.
Very hairy.
Oh, yes, very, very hairy.
Very hairy.
But if j.P. Ever found out
about us, he'd kill us both.
- Oh, don't kill me.
- Jimmy.
Leila?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just jogging
at the beach.
And you, Jimmy?
What are you doing here?
You know, I'm just doing
the usual, you know,
guarding lives
at tower number five.
Ah. I have good exercise.
- Good exercise.
- Congratulations.
I feel invigorated.
Okay, well, I should probably
get back to--
Leila. You should get back
to jogging.
Oh. Yeah.
I'm gonna get back to my jog.
Bye, everyone.
Okay, bye.
This will grow
your hair
and you will look
like esteve McQueen.
Sir, do you have
a nuclear program?
I don't know.
Do you have a nuclear program?
Are you asking if America
has a nuclear program?
No. I am asking if you
have a nuclear program.
Do I have a nuclear program?
Do you nuclear program?
How would I
have a nuclear program?
How would you
have a nuclear program?
Are you sure this
is gonna vork?
Of course. This is one
of the old persian recipe.
It fix everything.
Where is my mayonnaise?
Are you repeating
everything I say?
Am I repeating
everything you say?
You can't just repeat
everything I say.
I cannot repeat
everything you say.
Espeaking of mayonnaise,
have you thought about
going on a date with mehdi?
- Are you trying to set me up?
- This is America.
We have
to americanize now
and be open-minded.
Besides, you are a vidow,
he is a vidower,
it's a great match.
Just think about it.
Okay, baba.
I think about it.
Why don't you think about
going out on date with Leila?
Maman, that is disgusting.
Ach. She's my cousin.
She is not
your real cousin, dummy.
Her grandmother
is fourth cousin
of your
grandfather's uncle.
- So, that makes her my --
- seventh cousin.
- Think about it.
- I'm an idiot.
- Are you an idiot?
- Okay, this interview's over.
- Is this interview over?
- Cut his mic.
- Are you cutting my mic?
- You guys cut his mic.
It's my show.
- Are they cutting my mic?
Oh my gosh, it vorked.
Good hair. Good hair.
- Can I help you?
- Oh, yes.
Er...
Buenos nachos.
Oh, Jimmy vestvood,
private investigator
for Mr. Monroe--
La inmigracin!
La inmigracin!
No, no immigra-cion,
investiga-cion.
- Investiga-cion.
- Inmigracin!
She's fast.
Okay, Jimmy,
what do you got for me?
I am afraid I have some bad news
and some badder news.
The bad news is that
you were right.
Your wife
is cheating on you.
I knew it. I knew it.
But it gets worse,
much worse.
What? What else? What?
The badder news, sir, is that
he's hung like a horse.
- Hung like a horse?
- Yeah.
Your wife is never
gonna come back to you.
- Mr. Monroe, are you okay?
- Yeah. Jimmy, can I trust you?
What? Yes. Of course. I didn't
do anything with your wife.
I am very trustworthy.
They call me "Jimmy
trustworthy."
and that's why
people love you, Jimmy.
Aside from you having
a nose for this stuff.
It's because you're honest
and you've been honest with me
so I'm gonna
be honest with you.
Am I all right, am I okay?
No, I am not okay
I mean, this woman has broken
my heart and I wanna
destroy her.
And I need your help
to do that.
Destroy her? How?
- I want you to shoot her.
- Shoot her?
No, no, no, no.
With a camera.
I want you to shoot
her with a camera.
- Oh.
- Divorce proceedings,
and I'm gonna need
a lot of photos.
And I want you
to take those pictures.
Will you take those pictures
for me, Jimmy?
Yes, sir. Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
Great. Yeah.
Just shoot away.
Karl, could you bring
that photo equipment
that we got for Mr. Westwood
in here?
Have it right here, sir.
Eh...
This is the dslr camera and
in this bag are the lenses.
We have a 35-millimeter
and a 300-millimeter
- for distant shots.
- It's got flash?
Yes.
And this is your
undercover suit.
Undercover suit?
Sir? That's great.
I've always wanted an
undercover suit, sir.
How did I know?
Why don't you go try it on?
- See if we can't see you?
- Thank you, sir.
This is great.
Can I just--
yeah. Please be careful,
these are my personal stuff.
I'm gonna be very careful.
This is exciting.
Really, thank you so much --
I'm sorry.
Really, exciting.
Undercover suit!
- What a banana.
- Sir. Great news.
Senator hunter is confirmed
and on board.
He thanks you
for your generous
"Campaign contribution."
we've got
two-thirds majority.
Well, it's going a lot easier
than I ever thought it would.
You know this guy, you know
how some people turn out
to be as dumb as they look?
All we got to do now
is come up with some
snappy nickname
for this war, you know,
to sell it to the
American people.
- Sure.
- They go for it every time.
How about,
Freedom"?
How 'bout it? It's been used.
Think of something
with an animal in it.
You know, Americans
hate each other
but they love animals?
Yeah. How about
"Operation puppy freedom"?
That's too soft.
That's not war, that's not hard.
"Operation desert rape"?
Nah, that's too hard.
Besides, you forgot
the animal.
"Operation puppy rape."
get away from me.
You're giving me the creeps.
- Yes, sir.
- What's this rape stuff?...
Oh-ho!
"Operation eagle freedom."
perfect.
- Ow!
- I don't look too fat?
Mr. mehdi, Mr. mehdi.
Jamshid. Why you are wearing
black? Did somebody die?
- Uh... yes.
- Who?
Ali Hassan Hossein
Mohammad rezaie.
Ali Hassan Hossein
Mohammad rezaie died?
It's okay, Mr. mehdi.
That son of a bitch
owes me $55!
Oh, gosh.
Well, it's good Karma.
I don't need Karma.
I need my $55.
It will come back to you.
I feel like I'm gonna
drop dead myself.
You know, this wedding
is killing me.
They're asking $4,000
for an audio-visual screen.
Can you believe that?
- $4,000.
- Wow.
Well, anyway,
what do you want?
Eh, Mr. mehdi,
I was just going to see
if I could have the day off
tomorrow.
I have to take some very
important pictures.
Pictures, my ass.
Is it this private
investigator crap?
- Yes, it is-- I mean, no--
- I don't care what it is.
You do what I tell you
to do, understand?
Wow. Well, Mr. mehdi,
if that's the case,
I guess then
I just have to...
- Yeah, what?
- I guess then I--
- yeah, what?
- I quit.
You what?
I quit.
You cannot quit.
- Why not?
- Because I fire you.
Attention, attention,
everybody.
Attention, everybody.
Jamshid fakhredinpour,
he is fired.
Fired. Fired.
- Hey, Rick?
- Yeah?
Do I have to pay
unemployment insurance
- if I fire someone?
- Yes, 6% of taxable wages
as mandated by the federal
unemployment tax act.
Now, there's a stipulation
that says the employer--
okay, okay, shut up,
Harvard, got it.
You know what? You quit.
I did not fire you.
Attention, attention,
attention, everybody,
I want you to listen.
I did not fire jamshid
fakhredinpour,
he just quit on me.
Now, your badge
and your jacket.
Oh, sure, yes, of course.
Here is the badge.
- Thank you.
- And...
- The jacket.
- Thank you. Oh, one second.
Please, accept my tongue
as a token of respect
for you and your mother.
Oh, no, sir.
I can't. I can't.
- Please, I insist.
- Oh no, I insist.
- I cannot.
- Please, I insist.
I want your mother
have my tongue.
- No. I'm insisting.
- I insist.
- No, I'm insisting.
- I said I insist.
Sir, I insist-- oops.
Five-second rule.
Good as new.
No more timing
each tear that falls
from my eyes
I'm not hiding
the remedy that cures
this old heart of mine...
Mmm, delicious.
Whose tongue is it?
Mr. mehdi.
No, dummy. What animal?
Oh. Cow.
Very big cow.
Remember tomorrow,
say thank you to Mr. mehdi
at work.
I thought you quit?
Quit? Quit what?
Eating tongue.
I am going gluten free.
Ah, what a waste.
I'm going to bring
that delicious desert
that Leila brought.
I don't maman to know
I quit.
She's gonna have
a heart attack.
So, what made you quit?
My American case.
I have a big day tomorrow.
Ooh. Let me be
your sidekick this time.
Otherwise,
I'll tell maman you quit.
You traitor. I told you,
you can't be my sidekick.
It's too dangerous.
Thank you very much, Leila joon
for this sholeh zard.
You know, saffron and cinnamon
make the man stronger.
And this rice pudding?
Makes the woman fertilizing.
What is your point?
My point is
that you two should fuck.
Hi. I'm sorry
I'm sorry. Ow.
You're gonna be
in a lot of trouble.
Agh!
You will be my sand dune.
Ooh.
And I will be
your bedouin.
Rr-rar-rr.
Can I hide inside you?
There's so much room
in there for you to hide.
Oh, baby.
Oh, oh!
Oh, oh, not the ear,
not the ear, not the ear.
- I go for take a leak.
- Okay, baby.
I will miss you.
Ooh.
- Ah-hh!
- Jimmy Westwood?
Mrs. Monroe?
Mrs. Monroe.
So good to see you.
- What are the chances?
- What are you doing here?
Me? Um... I was just,
you know, exercising.
Yes, it's a new workout.
This is called "The photo abs."
you just-- look...
Oh, that's good abs.
That's good ab work,
Mr. Westwood.
Yeah, it's getting hard.
Ooh, tell me more
about things getting hard.
You're emitting
that exotic desert smell.
- Oh, I smell like the desert?
- Oh, yeah...
- Oh, that's good.
- Dirty, Sandy, desert.
- Oh, good.
- Jimmy?
- Leila!
- Jimmy?
What are you doing here?
- Jogging.
- You jog a lot.
Yeah, well I'm training
for the...
Breast cancer
awareness month.
There's a race
for breasts?
What are you doing here?
I was just getting
some exercises,
so that I could
save lives at the beach,
okay?
So I'm gonna get back
to exercising and you should
get back to jogging.
- Okay.
- Go.
- I will.
- Go.
I'm watching...
She's very intense.
Oh--!
She's special, right?
- I'm okay.
- No, you're not.
The female tiger
knows the male
is ready to mate
because of its scent,
not to mention
its throbbing,
massive tiger erection.
- Jamshid fakhredinpour.
- What?
Mehdi told me
that you quit your job
to go out and take
some pictures?
Um... well, uh...
Yes, I quit.
There. I said it.
Why would I work
for that butcher
when I can make $5,000 a veek
vorking as a p.I.?
Enough with this
p.I. Business.
You're gonna
hurt yourself--
did you say $5,000?
- Yes.
- In one veek?
Yes.
Then why didn't you quit
your job earlier, dummy?
- What's this?
- Just a little something
I bought with this veek's
p.I. Money.
You blow all your money
to buy a TV?
- Are you out of your crazy mind?
- But maman, this is not
an ordinary TV.
This is a top of the line,
103-inch hd TV
- with 3-d visualization.
- Jamshid,
you are very
irresponsible.
You are not using your brain.
You stupid,
stupid, stupid--
did you say 3D?
Vow. It's so real.
I feel I can touch
the tiger.
Ah!
I love your new job.
Finally, I can
get my eye surgery.
Face-lifting. Go to Hawaii.
Liposuction.
Buy a big chandelier
for here.
I don't know, you could
tell him something catchy,
like "Blow me."
think that'll do it?
No, that's what she said,
she said she had a sister.
- What do I know?
- Mr. Monroe.
- I have your pictures.
- Sure. Get back to me.
Sir, sir, I have the pictures.
The ones you asked for.
Pictures?
- Yep. That's all.
- That's all?
Yeah. Got the pictures.
Case closed.
Okey-dokey. Uh, sir,
I just want to let you know
I quit my job
for this case
so I have a lot of free time
on my hands,
so in case you need me for
anything, just let me know.
No, no, nope,
nope, no, thanks.
- Thank you, sir.
- Okay. Goodbye.
Thank you.
I can get your laundry.
I can repaint the house.
I can do interior designing.
I can work on your posture.
Whatever you're in the mood for,
you just let me know.
- I'm there for you.
- No thanks.
- Just giving you options.
- No, thank you.
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Bye.
I noticed the limousine
is getting a little dirty.
Jimmy, get the hell
outta my house!
Okay.
- Jimmy?
- Mr. mehdi?
What are you
doing here?
- I own the place?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know, in case
you're wondering
what I am doing here?
I just happened to be in the
neighborhood and I thought.
"Maybe I should stop by
and say hi to Mr. mehdi
and bring him a gift."
ah, a gift,
for homayoun's wedding.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
A gift for you-- of apology.
For me?
Hmm. Thank you.
Dates? Zeki.
I have six cartons of this.
Mr. mehdi, you have
six cartons of everything.
What do you get a man
who has six cartons
of everything?
- Let me think...
- What?
- Oh yeah, I know.
- What?
A top of the line
security guard.
V-v-v-vip.
Ah... I knew you would
come crawling back.
You want your old job
back, don't you?
- Well, if you insist, okay.
- Wish I could do, Jimmy,
but since you quit,
I had to hire someone else.
- Really? Who?
- Rick.
On top of security,
he is redoing
all the electrical wiring
for the entire store.
Rick, how's it coming?
Think I found the problem,
Mr. mehdi.
Ah, that guy is good.
Hey, look...
I know times are hard.
But hang in there, jamshid.
- Hang in there.
- I vill gonna, Mr. mehdi.
Ugh!
I'm never gonna be an American
hero like esteve McQueen.
I don't even have good hair.
I'm a loser.
Loser. Loser. Loser.
Goodbye hair.
Hey, you want
some cookie--
don't do it!
- Do what?
- Kill yourself.
- Kill myself?
- You have blood on your face.
Blood?
Bah. That's the ink
from your stupid flyers.
- Get off me.
- Is everything okay?
No, everything is not okay.
Mr. Monroe let me go.
Some white guy from Harvard
took my job at the market.
And maman
vants breast implants,
an SUV, and season tickets
to the Lakers.
What happened?
She got a taste
of the American dream,
- and now she's a monster.
- No. What happened at work?
I solved the case.
I gave him the pictures.
And now I have nothing to do
but vatch this estupid DVD
that comes
with the television.
I can't even afford
basic cable.
Wow. It's so clear.
You know what you need?
A dose of culture.
We're going
to whole foods?
We now come to Diego
Velazquez' masterpiece.
"Christ crucified,"
Where Jesus' nudity
is portrayed
with delicious
erotic overtones.
Notice the armpits.
Velasquez chooses to remove
all of the hair,
creating a purity
of artistic line.
Remember this is
2000 years
before the invention
of the razor.
We've placed the portrait
in the middle of the hall
so that you may the glory of
Jesus from the front,
and also behind.
- Ha!
- Ah!
Okay...
Now, we turn
to the Cyrus cylinder.
Named after
Cyrus the great,
the Cyrus cylinder is one
of the most famous
surviving icons
from the ancient world.
The cylinder
has been described
as one of the first charters
of human rights.
- He was persian.
- Unfortunately.
I'll give you a few moments now
to take in all of its splendor.
Enjoy.
Actually, the Americans
stole the idea for the
bill of rights
from this guy.
One of the founding fathers,
George Jefferson,
was inspired by him.
It's true.
I read it on viki-pedia.
Enjoy the splendor.
Leila,
take some pictures.
Oh, yeah.
I ran out of space.
I just-- I have to delete
some photos.
- Ah.
- Sorry.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Are you insane?
There's no photos here.
You're not allowed
to take photos.
- Why?
- Why?
Because that has a flash,
and that's stone.
You can't flash stone.
Are you insane?
God.
- Ooh.
- Take a Xanax.
No flash stone.
Flash stone, this guy.
Eh, it's homayoun.
Homayoun.
Oh, Jimmy.
Jimmy, uh, you remember
homeira?
Oh, yes, hi.
- Nice to see you.
- This is my cousin, Leila.
You never told me
you have a cousin.
Leila, I love that color
on you.
You should come
to the wedding.
Okay.
Oh, no, you don't have
to invite her.
- She's my sixth cousin.
- Seventh.
Shh, be quiet.
You're coming to the wedding.
- You're still getting married?
- Excuse me?
He's so funny.
He's being funny.
Jimmy, can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.
- I like your dress.
- Thank you.
I just threw something on.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- You haven't told her yet?
- No. No, I can't.
- Why not?
Why not? My dad is spending
a fortune on this wedding.
You've seen him with a knife.
He'll kill me.
You can marry Freddy.
All you have to do
- is move to Massachusetts.
- I don't want to move
- to Massachusetts.
- Come on, come on,
- you move to Massachusetts.
- You move to Massachusetts.
No, you have to move
to Massachusetts.
- No, you have to.
- No, you move to Massachusetts.
- You move to Massachusetts.
- No, you--
Thanks god.
He estarted it.
Jimmy...?
Hello? Mr. Monroe.
How are you?
- Jimmy?
- Well, tomorrow,
I have a vedding to go to,
but for you,
- I move things around.
- Oof!
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
- Leila.
- Yeah?
That was Mr. Monroe.
I'm rehired. Fantastic!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
- No-oo!
No.
No-oo-oo!
Yeah-hh!
Ow!
I'm gonna get
crucified for this.
He's coming.
Jimmy?
- Yes.
- Nice to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Uh, yes, uh, thank you.
Yes, hello, Mr. Monroe.
Hello, Mrs. Monroe.
- Hello, Mr. Westwood.
- Good to see you.
- Okay, you comfortable?
- I'm good, sir.
- How are you today?
- God, it's great to see you.
I gotta thank you
for saving my marriage.
- Me?
- You.
- How?
- I had to tell Marcy
that I hired you
to follow her, to take
those photos, right?
- Sorry about that, Mrs. Monroe.
- it's all right.
- You were just doing your job.
- Igg-zactly.
And I realized that Marcy
was merely starved
for some attention.
Right, honey?
I mean, what kind of husband
had I been?
Not once had
I ever asked her
whether she wanted
to go to the ocean
or to grauman's Chinese,
or universal studios
for that matter.
- The important things.
- I love you, schnookums.
- I love you, too, sweetie.
- Aw.
So, thanks to you,
- Marcy and I have mended ways.
- Okay, get to the point.
What point?
The point is now this
arab guy is blackmailing me
for a cool
one million dollars.
Wow. He wants one million
for flinging vith your vife?
Yeah. He says that if he
doesn't get this money
by 6:00 this afternoon,
then he's gonna go public
with this affair
and try to bring me down.
- Ah. This guy.
- Yeah.
- Arabs.
- Yeah. I need you, Jimmy.
I need you to deliver
this money to him.
Sir, I vould love to,
but that vedding I vas
telling you about
is right around the same time.
It's gonna be cutting it
very close, so...
Oh, I just thought to throw in
an extra $5,000 dollars...
- For your trouble.
- The guy is gay anyvay.
Never gonna vork out.
Jimmy vestvood,
- at your service.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
I knew I could count on you.
Jeez, I got an appointment.
Okay, Marcy, can you do me
a favor and show Jimmy out?
- This way, Mr. Westwood.
- At your service.
- Jimmy?
- Yes, sir.
Jimmy. You forgot
the briefcase.
Oh, yes, sorry, sir,
got a lot on my mind.
Sorry about that, sir.
Just making sure
it's all there, sir.
Always wanna be thorough, sir.
You want to make sure...
Let's see. 45, 55...
75,
one million. Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Pico, sawtelle, 6;00 P.M.
warehouse.
Pico and sawtelle,
6;00 P.M.
It's all right there sir.
Machine. I'm a machine.
Locked machine.
Key is out. Goodbye.
I'm gonna be there. 6:00--
where was it again?
- Oh, Jimmy.
- Whoa-aa!
How I've missed you.
Ooh, that musky breath.
Oh, you're so swarmy,
you're so smarmy, you're
so stinky, you're so sexy.
Oh, miss Monroe, your husband
is gonna kill us.
Shh-hh.
Oh, oh, not the ears.
Not the ears.
Ah-hh! That's definitely
not the ears.
Miss Monroe.
This is not right.
You are a married woman.
Oh, you're right.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
You should just go.
Shh-hh. Just go.
- Okay.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
You're my hero.
I love you.
Hello?
Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?
Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?
- Ricola.
- Ricola... ricola.
- Hello?
- Hello...? Hello...?
- Mr. malek?
- Hey, you got the money?
I can't hear you.
Hold on. One second.
Let me take this off.
- What about the bunny?
- You got the money? The money.
Oh, yeah, I have it right here.
Calm down. It's right here.
You drive a hard bargain.
- One million dollars.
- Open it.
Ha, ha, ha...
Wait a minute.
This is the wrong briefcase.
There's an alarm clock in here,
with a wire attached
to something
that says "C4"...
Which is attached
to a button that says.
"Push here to detonate"?
Wonder what would happen
if I pushed it right now?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy buddy, that's a bomb.
Hands up.
- What happened to your accent?
- Oh, I'm not arab.
- You're not?
- Nope. Italian-American.
LAPD, undercover.
Hands up. Hands up.
You've been pretending
all along?
Uh, that's what "Undercover"
Means, moron.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, you're not.
Mrs. Marcy Monroe's lover?
No.
And you're not blackmailing
j.P. Monroe?
Nope.
And you're not
hung like a horse?
Oh, no, that's all real.
God bless.
God bless. God bless.
Now, I need you to pose
next to the briefcase.
I need to get some pictures
of you in front of it.
Oh, I see
what's going on here.
- What?
- You're just jealous of me
because Mrs. Monroe
has feelings for me, so--
no, you idiot.
I'm arresting you
'cause you're a terrorist.
Now, pose for the picture.
Okay. Don't shoot.
Calm down. Okay.
No smiling. No, no, no.
No smiling.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, here.
- Peace signs. Seriously?
- Uh, okay.
- What are you doing?
- You told me to pose.
It's a bomb! What, are you
gonna have sex with it?!
Okay, sorry.
Here we go, here we go.
Oh, no,
we gotta do that again.
- Your eyes were closed.
- I know, I'm sorry.
When I get nervous,
I blink a lot.
This is all very confusing.
What's going on here?
- What is it, jimbo?
- Mr. Monroe?
Jimbo, you don't understand
what's going on?
I'd be happy to explain it
to you since I thought it up
and I don't happen to think
that it's a bad plan myself
in particular.
We are going to war
with Iran
and we couldn't
have done it without you
and your incompetence.
Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
- Oh, then, no thank you.
- It's still not a compliment.
- Okay then, back to you.
Tie him up, Anthony.
I'll give you the honors.
The pleasure is all mine.
Hi, Mr. Karl,
good to see you--
ow. Take it easy.
Oh, that's an expensive
helmet, sir.
- Shut up.
- Calm down. Take it easy. Okay.
Here, let me help you.
Here, let me get my
hand in there.
Okay. Go.
Mrs. Monroe, what's going on
here? Please help me.
So you still
don't get it, Jimmy?
Okay, show him
the monitor, honey.
Maybe a picture is worth
a thousand words.
Breaking news.
This I-ranian man,
jamshit
faa-akhedherinthepool...
Fakhredinpour. Fakhredinpour.
How hard is it?
...is suspected
of plotting a series
of devastating terror attacks
on America.
He was caught
on surveillance camera
- training for his mission.
- Watch this part, will ya?
This is where the nail
goes right into
your coffin.
A 10-million-dollar reward
is being offered
to anyone with information
that could lead
to his arrest.
10 million dollars?
Vow, that's pretty good.
Meanwhile, congress is
ratifying a declaration of war
against Iran
even as we speak.
Iran has indicated
that should the U.S. launch
a preemptive strike
against the islamic Republic,
they will initiate
a pre-preemptive attack
against the zionist state,
who, in turn,
has vowed to launch a pre-pre-
preemptive attack
- on Iran's closest Ally, Syria.
- It's "Vorld var tree."
exactamundo!
And my business,
my business is gonna
be thriving,
- thanks to you, my man.
- What business?
My business, my business
of manufacturing
predator drones,
all over the place.
Everywhere around here, see?
Predator drones.
And I've manufactured
a drone that could remotely
control another drone
so we don't need
a human being to work it.
You are taking good jobs avay
from innocent Americans?
That's evil.
Evil? It's genius.
I knew that I had to convince
the American people
to go to war if I wanted
to sell my product.
- Yeah, baby.
- That's the American way,
you see?
And I knew that I
had to make you out to be
the world's worst terrorist.
And now I have everything
I need
to justify this war.
Are we clear?
Not exactly.
That was a lot of exposition.
Can you give it to me
in bullet points?
- No.
- Okay, how about cliff notes?
- No.
- Viki-pedia?
Ow! Take it easy.
Mr. Monroe, I'm not sure
what you're saying,
but one thing I do know
is that the American people
are not so estupid
that they vould
go to a var
just because of the actions
of one terrorist.
Funny guy.
I'm here all week.
Tip your waitress.
Oops. Ran out of space.
Leila, what are you
doing here?
I told you this stuff
is dangerous!
- Who the hell is she?
- My sixth cousin.
- Seventh.
- What's she doing here?
- She's recording us.
- Well, then get her.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Get her.
Run, Leila. Run.
Guys?
What about me?
Don't leave me here alone
with the pigeons.
I don't like pigeons.
Nice to meet you, Jimmy
vestvood, at your service.
Nice to... nice--
nice to meet you?
Jimmy vestvood
at your service,
nice to meet you.
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service.
Jimmy... vestvood...
At your service.
Jimmy vestvood...
Jimmy vestvood,
at your service. Ha!
Jimmy! Get in!
Leila!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go...
Holy crap.
They're following us.
Oh, ho, ho,
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
it's magic
you know
never believe
it's not so
I love my sunny--
- ow!
- Take it easy.
- No time to take it easy.
Oh, parvaneh joon,
you look super-tacular
tonight.
Okay, take it easy, mehdi.
I am worried about jamshid.
- Have you seen him?
- Just relax.
Try my kabob.
You're gonna love it.
- Oh-hh.
- Okay, okay,
you can try my kabob later.
Let me show you around.
Make up your mind
which way you want to go.
- You want to get away or what?
- I wanna live.
Give me your phone.
Agh!
My face is all over
the news.
I'm "America's
most wanted terrorist."
they're gonna send me to
Guantanamo and waterboard me
and make me listen
to heavy metal music.
- I don't like metallica.
- Stop that.
- Ow! What did you do that for?
- I can't stand self-pity.
This is a free country.
I have the right
to bear arms
- and self-pity myself.
- So you're just gonna
let those war hawks
start world war III?
Well, I mean, you know,
what are my options?
- I don't really have a lot--
- no!
- Then what?
- I don't know,
I'm just your sidekick.
I got it!
- Great. What is it?
- Uh, I forget.
Oh! I remember.
To homayoun's wedding.
Estep on it.
We met at this Halloween
costume party.
We were both dressed as Cher.
It was so funny.
I think this year,
we're gonna do "Thelma
and Louise."
I'm fighting for Thelma,
so we'll see.
Kox news?
This is Jimmy vestvood,
the wanted terrorist
everyone is looking for.
Please tell Mr. Hank shannity
that I want to Grant him
the exclusive interview
of my confessional.
Yes, tell him
to meet me in 15 minutes
at homayoun's vedding.
You don't know homayoun?
Here's the address.
Give me the address.
Check it,
I'm mc I-ran, okay?
When I say "I,"
Y'all say "Ran."
- I...
- Ran!
- I...
- Ran!
Check it, check it--
Dude, I am rapping.
- Jimmy baba, slow down.
- Yeah, man, go with the flow.
I don't have time
for the flow.
Jimmy. Where have you been?
Me and mom were worried
about you.
You missed the ceremony.
Come, come, let's dance.
Leila, do the thing,
do the thing.
Mr. mehdi.
Okay, okay, okay, sir.
- Where is he?
- There he is.
Put that away.
Not here.
Where is he? How the hell
do you tell them apart?
Oh-oh-oh.
I wanna eat you
like a peach.
- It's talking to me.
- You are talkin' to my wife.
I'm sorry.
- Come on, wait, wait, wait.
- What?
- Let's dance.
- We'd rather not.
Amir. Hamid. Shahin.
Look, Americans.
Let's show them.
We're gonna show you.
- I don't dance.
- What's your name?
- My name is j.P., but--
- excellent.
J.C., let's do this.
Aha. Bia. Bia.
Bia. Bia.
We need that video, Jimmy.
Where's your cousin?
Hello, Mr. Karl.
Take it easy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
You're not goin'
anywhere, Jimmy.
Hey, Jimmy, why don't you give
someone else a chance?
- Get out of the circle.
- Yeah, man.
- There's no "I" In circle.
- I can't. I'm stuck.
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist?
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist!
It's true.
It's on kox news
so it has to be real.
Jimmy vestvood
is a terrorist.
- No-oo!
- No, come on.
And there's
a $10 million reward
- for his capture.
- So? Get him!
- That's ten million bucks.
- Ah-hh! My heart!
Parvaneh, parvaneh!
You okay?
My god, there's
a whole horde of 'em.
Wait a minute,
that's not him.
I think you need
mouth-to-mouth recuperation.
- I don't need mouth-to-mouth.
- Yes, you do.
Four, three...
This is Hank shannity
reporting live
from the epicenter
of a jihadist convention.
- Guys, guys, calm down.
- What the heck...?
Calm down.
I can explain everything.
Zoom in. Zoom in.
- I have something
to confess...
My name is
jamshid fakhredinpour.
"Fuckedherinthepool."
I came to this country
to be an American hero.
Along the vay, I thought
I had to change who I vas
but thanks to the help
of my sixth cousin--
seventh cousin.
I learned that you have
to embrace who you are.
And you don't
have to be American
to be an American hero.
So, I estand
in front of you today
to tell you
that I am a terrorist.
I'm gonna get
an Emmy for this.
If you believe this guy.
What's the one thing
I'm better at than homayoun?
Oh, I can vogue
better than him.
- Vogue...
- Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.
Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.
I love Madonna.
- That was the wrong video.
- You heard him.
He's a terrorist.
Congress is going to vote on
a resolution to attack Iran.
- It's all Jimmy's fault.
- Get him!
Oh-hh!
Lifetime of laughter...
Everybody,
we're live on kox news.
It's Hank shannity.
Hank, over here.
Guys?
Guys!
Do another one.
I was blinking.
Guys, remember me?
The wanted terrorist?
Guys, guys, over here.
Yeah, yeah, guys, guys.
What I meant to say is that
I am a terrorist...
If you believe this guy.
I knew that I had to convince
the American people...
Oh, crap.
...If I wanted to sell
my product!
That's the American way,
you see?
And I knew that I had to
make you out to be
- the world's worst terrorist...
- Shannity, shut that off.
That's the guy
that set up Jimmy!
- Shut it off.
- Go to black. Go to black.
Shut that thing off!
Uh... oh, uh, looks like
we're experiencing
some technical
difficulties here.
Let's get
to some other news...
Meet koko, a parrot who can
sing the star spangled banner
while she hops
on one leg.
Get them, get them!
No, guys, take it easy.
We're peaceful people.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is my son's wedding.
Let us not allow
a terrorist conspiracy
that almost led
to world war III,
stop us
from celebrating.
- Uh, dad?
- Yes, son?
Um, I also have
something to confess.
- You're a terrorist, too?
- Oh, no.
- I'm gay.
- Ha, ha. Yes!
- No. No.
- Wedding over. Wedding over.
You know what a mistake
you're making?
- You know who I am?
- It pinches.
Congress voted no
to war with Iran.
Jamshid fakhredinpour.
I am proud of you.
Oh, thank you, maman.
Thank you.
Maman, maman. Now
that you are feeling better,
please, for god's sake,
try my kebab.
Oh-hh...! Mmm.
Delicious.
Ugh!
She likes it.
Jimmy, you did it.
You're an American hero.
Oh Leila, don't be
so melodramatic.
I couldn't have done it
without you.
- You're the American hero.
- No, I insist.
You're the American hero.
Leila, don't make me insist.
You're the American hero.
Leila, oh, no, not the ears,
not the ears.
Oh, yes, the ears.
Leila, that's good earwork, yes.
Jimmy... Jimmy... Jimmy!
When there's no destination
that's too far
somewhere along the way,
you might find out who you are
- whoo!
- living in America
eye to eye
station to station
living in America
hand to hand
across the nation
living in America...
Diplomacy
may have won today,
but if I were America,
I vould vatch my back.
Oh, and I want to add the list
of black people who I like--
Oprah vinfrey.
I love her book clubs.
Many miles
of railroad track
all night radio...
To the east, hurricane Abdullah
is going to be threatening
the Manhattan skyline,
so all you intellectuals
might wanna get out
your prayer mats and
hug a cab driver.
- Shannity!
- What? Well, I didn't name it.
You might have to walk
the fine line
you might take
the hard line
but everybody's workin'...
Overtime
living in America
eye to eye
station to station
living in America
hand to hand...
Yah-hh!
She was just
polishin' the furniture.
Got to have
a celebration
I live in America...
One thing people don't know
about homeira?
Oh, she loves
to recite Shakespeare.
Beautifully.
"Two households,
both alike in dignity,
in fair verona,
where we lay our scene,
from ancient grudge
to break to new mutiny,
where civil blood makes
civil hands unclean."
I feel good!
With the reward money
I got
for turning in the terrorist--
who ended up not being
a terrorist
so they had to discount
the money, thank you
very much--
I was able to refurbish
the Cyrus cylinder
and fix the hole
in Jesus Christ.
- We love you, Jimmy.
- I love you, too.
Crap.
- Ah...!
- Cut.