Jinkx Monsoon: Red Head Redemption (2023) Movie Script
[BUZZING SOUND]
[CROWD CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: You met her on
season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race
as a sleepy, neurotic queen
who wouldn't shut up
about ducks.
You've seen her as
the milky swamp witch
skulking around the work room
on All Stars 7.
Now, get ready to see her
like you've never
seen her before.
- Upright and conscious!
- [PIANO PLAYING]
Please welcome,
Jinkx Monsoon!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MOUTHING]
Baby
I've been stompin' 'round
In these heels for
all the goddamn day
I got
Aches and annoyance
from livin' to earn my pay
And some peace and quiet
from you
Would really go a long way
So ease it down
You see, I'm tired
I'm spent
I'm really feelin' my age
You know life
is twice as hard
When you're livin'
half on the stage
And I barely have the energy
to sing you this song
So let's get some
cartoons and vodka
And do 'em all night long
Ooh, boy
Are you ready for some fun?
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
You can call me juvenile
But I'm picky on how
I spend my time
Don't you know
it takes two crates
of makeup
To go out lookin' this fine
I don't work these nails
to the bone
To hear you squabble
and whine
So help me out
You see, I'm hot
I'm wet
and it's really not fair
Takes more than a
tall cool glass of you
There, honey
to bring me up for air
And I've been too blown
to rest these bones
For a long country mile
So let's get some
cartoons and vodka
And put 'em on for a while
Ooh, boy
Gimme some of that smile
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Saint Syndrome on piano, everybody.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ho, boy!
Are you ready for some fun?
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Hi, everyone.
I'm Jinkx Monsoon.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
- [MONSOON LAUGHING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
COVID!
Okay, now that we got that
out of the way.
I feel like you have to
address it, right?
I didn't know how
to bring it up
without making us all sad.
But I felt like
it's my responsibility,
as a voice for the people,
to at least acknowledge
that it happened.
Like, that happened.
When it happened,
I went through all the
drag queen stages of grief.
Okay, there is only stage,
and it's wondering,
"How is this going
to affect me...
"directly?"
It's really hard to just
watch my calendar
just like, gigs just started
disappearing left and right.
Like my dad.
- And, um... [LAUGHS]
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Is it too early in the show
for a broken family joke?
I mean,
I don't think you're here
'cause you're well adjusted.
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [MONSOON LAUGHS]
Dads are so optional
these days.
[SIGHS]
Watching all my gigs disappear.
And I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year,
you know?
Like, I was all set up
for a great year.
I had, um,
just gotten
a hair transplant,
How does it look?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
I had finally justified
the huge splurge
that is, getting
a hair transplant,
you know?
Because I had so many gigs
lined up right afterwards.
I was gonna make it all back!
I was, you know,
in a committed relationship.
I'm now married.
Ooh!
See! My wedding ring.
This is the proof.
I was in a
committed relationship
with my hung
British husband.
More on that later.
It takes a while to
talk about it,
but, um...
I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year.
You know, I was all set up.
And, then, I know I sho...
I don't know why
I'm complaining.
You know, like,
we all went through this.
But...
I had to start living at home.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
Like, for someone
who's just been
constantly on the road
for 10 years,
imagine the adjustment
to, just like, living at home.
[SCOFFS]
I realized
there are so many things
that I'd forgotten how to do.
Like, answering
phone calls...
and reading physical mail,
Brushing my teeth.
It was a lot to take on.
I became quiet a hermit.
And just to be safe,
while social distancing,
I really played it safe.
I even avoided eye contact.
It was
an introvert's holiday.
And now, we are coming out
of the pan... Are we?
I still don't know.
I still don't know.
One day, we just arbitrarily,
we're like, "It's done!"
"It's over, y'all!"
Start sucking dick and
spitting' on each other again.
[CHUCKLES] It's done.
And now, I don't know...
I don't know.
It's so funny that we live in
this time that people are,
you know, "people"...
Republicans are
actively trying
to strip away our rights,
while so many straight people
are starting to embrace
the gay lifestyle,
in ways they
never have before.
Okay.
And I'm not against it.
Who's straight here?
Yeah, [CHUCKLES]
you think in my audience.
We got three!
We got three...
Three or four.
You're out on your,
"Once a year day!
"The kids are at home.
"I'm gonna see a drag show!"
I don't mind that
straight people are embracing
the queer lifestyle
more and more,
but I do have some requests.
Straight girls...
stop doing poppers on
the dance floor.
That's cultural appropriation,
and I don't appreciate it.
[SOFTLY]
Poppers on the dance floor.
And, I'm sorry. But...
straights.
Sorry.
You.
Straight people,
kindly stop eating ass.
Do you know how hard
we worked for that?
We fought for years
for the right to eat ass.
You can't just come in late and
start reaping the benefits
of years of
gay rights movements.
Marsha P. Johnson
marched on Washington
so that we could eat ass.
No. Ass eating is great.
Everyone should try it.
I'm gonna go off-script
for a second,
because there's just...
I don't know if you know this,
but I can see you.
Um...
I know it's been, like,
two years without going
out to live theater,
but I can literally
see all of you.
This isn't TV.
So I need you
to just constantly
be smiling and laughing.
Okay?
'Cause I'm a Virgo,
I'm gonna look out in this crowd
and see that one person
wearing glasses with the beard
right there, who's just,
the whole show, been like...
Like, looking for cues
for when to laugh.
I'm talking about eating ass.
Just... crack a smile.
Are you wearing a corset?
No!
So, just smile, damn it.
I know I shouldn't tell people
how to experience things.
If you want to
just sit there,
make me feel horrible
about myself
through the whole show,
that's your prerogative.
But, now,
a famous person hates you.
So...
What's your name, darling?
What?
- Harris?
- MAN: Harris.
Ha-Harris? Harris?
Okay.
That's a stupid name.
I'm sorry.
Harris, I'll find you
on Grindr after this.
It's okay.
I just came back from the UK.
[PIANO PLAYING BRITISH MUSIC]
That's a UK song.
I did just come back
from the UK.
That's not just a bit
I'm doing. That's real.
That's why I'm standing
on the right side of the stage
right now.
The UK.
[SIGHS]
When I was young,
I thought it was so fancy, right?
Just anything British
is just inherently fancier
than America, right?
The UK. [SCOFFS]
The UK is just the US
with bad lighting.
It's like...
I don't know if anyone
here is British.
So, sorry if you're feeling,
like, called out right now.
But they do this thing,
where, instead of "hello",
like a decent person would
say to someone on the street.
Instead of, like,
"Hello, how are you?"
They go,
"You okay?
"You all right?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
And as an alcoholic,
that is, like,
really triggering.
To just start a
conversation like that?
"You okay?"
[SHOUTS ANGRILY
IN NORMAL ACCENT]
"You don't know me!
"You don't know
what I did last night!"
And I'm a Virgo.
I'm highly anxious.
So, I always think
I must've done something.
Like...
"You okay?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
"I'm sorry, whatever it is."
That's just how they
start a conversation.
Isn't that gross?
"You all right?"
But, I think the thing that
pisses me off the most about
the UK...
I know.
What a place of privilege, right?
Well, the thing that
pisses me off the most
about travelling to the UK.
Ever been?
One of the things that
really irritates me about
British people
is their inability
to grasp the concept
of a Subway sandwich shop.
They... they...
They don't know
how it works.
Sometimes, I'll be late
for a sound check,
and I'm standing behind
fucking flouncy totin' bottom
up there,
trying to order a sandwich
from Subway.
I know this makes me
sound like absolute trash.
I'm like...
Before sound check,
I always stop off at a Subway
and get my compulsory Footlong
before the show.
But, standing behind this
British person who doesn't know
how it works,
asking, like,
"What comes on the
Turkey Breast sandwich?"
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Anything you like, ma'am."
"Does it come with tomatoes?
"'Cause I don't like tomatoes.
"I don't like tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Comes with whatever
you want on it, ma'am."
"You pick the toppings"
"I don't want any tomatoes though.
"No tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE]
"It's a good call.
"The tomatoes look
rather poorly here."
"What's all them
green bits there?"
[IN MALE VOICE]
"That's lettuce, ma'am."
"Salad?
"On a sandwich?
"Huh!
"It's not even
Saint Crispin's feast day"
"You know what I hate
about international travel?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
I just can't get over that.
I don't know if you can tell
just by looking at me,
but I'm from
Portland, Oregon.
- [GIGGLES]
- [AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS]
Oh, good! We have some.
Are you from Portland?
So humble over there,
clapping for yourself.
I was born and raised
in Portland.
I moved away,
and then I came back,
because Portlanders are
like the Amish on Rumspringa.
Ninety percent of them
come back after they, like,
sow their wild oats.
It's funnier if you're
from Portland.
Fuck you!
That joke kills
in Portland!
Why aren't you Portland?
I moved back to Portland.
I always had the plan
of moving back to Portland.
I always planned on it,
because I want to raise
my kids there.
Because I was raised
in Portland,
I was able to come out
at a very young age.
I had a lot of resources.
I knew other queer people.
It was a very good place
to grow up queer.
Portland, Oregon.
So, I've always wanted
to raise kids there
if I ever have them.
And I kind of
have this plan.
This is, like,
the most Portland-y thing.
I'm gonna have a
gender-reveal party, okay?
[SHUDDERS MOCKINGLY]
[MOCKINGLY]
Boo!
Hiss!
I want to have a
gender-reveal party
in Portland,
and I want to make
a big deal about it.
Like, "Come to my
gender-reveal party
for my baby."
And get everyone coming
to this party
and be really, really excited.
I'll bring out the big cake,
and I'll be, like,
"Are you all ready?
"We're gonna find out
the gender of my baby!
"Are you ready?"
And then,
I cut into the cake
and pull out a slice,
and it's just white.
And everyone is, like, "Huh?"
"What gender is that?"
And then, I just start taking
fistfuls of the cake
and going,
[IN ANGRY VOICE]
"Fuck you!
"How dare you?
"How dare you
come to this party,
"supporting the
construct of gender
"as it's been mandated
by our oppressive overlords?
"You complacent asshole!
"How dare you think
I would raise my child
"in a gendered world?"
[IN GENTLE VOICE]
"But the cake?"
I know. Okay. So, I've used
the word "queer" a lot tonight,
and I don't know
where we all stand
with the word "queer".
I was raised believing
it was a, um, you know,
a reclaimed word,
an umbrella term,
for anyone
who is not straight.
But I know, you know,
different people come
from different parts
of the world,
and they have
different experiences
with the word "queer".
But, I have
to use the word "queer"
to just explain
the multitudes
in which I'm not straight.
It's like, "Gay doesn't cut
it for me, okay?"
And I know what you
see right now.
I know what you're
looking at right now
is a gorgeous,
cis-gendered woman.
And you're brain...
You see a mature woman
of a certain age,
and your brain is like,
"Queer? What?"
But I use the word "queer",
because, you know,
trademark gay,
it just doesn't cut it for me.
You know, I'm not gay, as in,
"I like to suck cock",
but queer, as in,
"I'm just a hole, sir."
Not gay, as in, like,
"Brunch with the girls",
but queer, as in,
"Feed me, Seymour.
"Feed me now!"
I'm not gay, as in, like,
"I'm gonna do drag
on Halloween",
but queer, as in,
"I am Christine Baranski."
I just am her.
I'm not gay, as in, like,
"Yaas!"
But queer, as in...
[RAMBLES GIBBERISH]
[CONTINUES RAMBLING]
Very queer.
You know, representation
in the media is so important.
I think, you know, gay people
and queer people are alike.
We only recently started having,
like, really good representation
in the media.
And, for so long, you know,
we had to find representation
in things that weren't
actually meant
to be queer representation,
but we saw it.
We saw it.
You know, like,
those trademark gays,
they saw themselves
in Peter Pan,
you know, the eternal twink
wearing leggings,
hanging out in the woods
with the lost boys,
you know.
Queer people,
we saw ourselves in movies
like Addams Family Values.
[PIANO PLAYING
"ADDAMS FAMILY THEME"]
It was Pavlovian.
You know, like,
lipstick lesbians
saw themselves
in Morticia Addams,
suburban Hot Topic shoppers
saw themselves in Wednesday,
fisting enthusiasts
saw themselves in Thing.
I've always seen myself
as Debbie Jellinsky.
I'm trusting you all saw this,
'cause Addams Family Values
is arguable the queerest
Addams Family film
in the Addams Family franchise.
And, you know,
at a very young age,
Debbie Jellinsky
really resonated with me.
Played by the
unsung queer icon,
Joan Cusack.
I resonate with this character
so much that
I even wrote a song
about it, and...
I'm gonna sing
that song for you now.
Hit it!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't wanna hurt anybody
I don't enjoy
hurting anybody
I don't like guns, or bombs
or electric chairs
But sometimes
people just won't listen
And so I have
to use persuasion
And slides
My parents
generous, doting
Or were they?
All I ever wanted was
a Ballerina Barbie
In her pretty pink tutu
My birthday
I was ten
And do you know
what they got me?
Malibu Barbie
That's not what I wanted
That's not who I was
I was a ballerina
Graceful! Delicate!
They had to go
'Cause what about Debbie?
What about me?
They're the ones
who killed my childhood
And I get the third degree?
I've always said that
love is war as far as I can see
So what about Debbie?
What about me?
My first husband
The heart surgeon
All day long
Coronaries, transplants
Sorry about dinner, Deb
The Pope has a cold
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Husband two
The senator
He loved his state
He loved his country
Sorry, Debbie
No Mercedes this year
We have to set an example
Oh, yeah?
Set this!
'Cause what about Debbie?
What about me?
He thought the car
we had was fine
Until it pinned him
to a tree
You know we all deserve
a little respect and courtesy
So what about Debbie?
What about me?
You took me in
You accepted me
But did any of you love me?
I mean, really love me?
So I killed
So I maimed
So I destroyed
one innocent life after another
Aren't I a human being?
Don't I yearn
and ache, and shop?
Don't I deserve love?
And jewelry?
Yeah, don't forget Debbie
Don't forget me
I sure hope you
enjoyed our little chat
'Cause I'm the last face
you'll see
And when you're burning
with the rest of them
Your final thoughts will be
What about Debbie?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
Oooh!
Goodbye, everyone
Wish me luck
[CROWD CHEERING]
Thank you.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK]
Joan Cusack...
Oh, wow!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, no. That became
Jennifer Coolidge for a second.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK]
Wow.
You look great.
Wow.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
We discover
a lot about ourselves
through media, you know.
Sometimes,
things we didn't realize
we were gonna
discover about ourselves.
We're not responsible
for what happens
when we watch certain movies.
Okay?
I think it's time that Disney
takes some responsibility.
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.
Sorry!
I used to be more nervous
to talk about my foot fetish,
but it's, like,
so mainstream
these days.
You know, like,
every Instagrammer, like,
posts pics of their feet now,
so I feel comfortable
telling you.
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.
Um, the movie was
the Beauty and the Beast.
When I was watching
Beauty and the Beast,
and that scene where
Gaston comes swaggering
into Belle's hut,
giant dick slapping
back and forth
as he walks in.
I assume.
No one with a chin that big
doesn't have a dick to match, right?
As I've found.
When Gaston came swaggering
into that hut,
I saw that. I was like,
"Yaas, Gaston, yaas!"
"I will be
your brood mother.
"You can go hunt,
and I'll have babies."
But...
more disturbingly,
when he pushed off
those big muddy boots,
slammed his feet
up on the table,
and there was that one big toe
sticking out of that sock.
Oh, don't pretend like
you don't remember the toe!
Don't act like that toe isn't
burned into your memories
for all time.
You know the toe!
When I saw that one big toe,
sticking out of that sock,
it was like,
Something has changed
within me
Something is not the same
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish!
And I'm pretty sure they are
responsible for furries, too.
But...
But, um, that's all
I'm gonna say about that.
Not gonna poke that bear.
[INAUDIBLE]
Bear! Get it?
- She was talking about furries.
- [PLAYS PIANO]
So, I've known I was queer
for a very long time.
I've known I was genderqueer
for a very long time.
I came out as a non-binary
in my early twenties.
And I just get progressively
femmer and femmer every year.
And I got to say,
there is one place.
It's just, it's rough.
It's rough to be non-binary
at airports.
It fucking sucks!
Airports are the most
gender-phobic place
you'll ever experience.
Every single airport.
Terrible!
Airports are hellmouths.
When you go through TSA,
the security checkpoint
as a gender non-binary,
genderqueer, like,
non-descript person.
When you look like me,
out of drag.
Do you know what
I look like out of drag?
You know, just like,
androgynous, shapeless
sack of pizza dough.
Just like...
rising out of Spanx leggings,
you know,
that I bought at the airport.
When you go through TSA
as a genderqueer person,
they, like, flip a coin,
and you get in that machine,
and they gender you.
And then, they freak out
when they got it wrong.
They're, like, mad at you
that they misgendered you.
And, like,
one specific time...
[CLEARS THROAT]
I was mortified.
I went through, you know,
that radiation pod.
[INAUDIBLE]
[CRYING] "No, there is nothing
in my pockets. Just do it."
Like, you're taking
a Silkwood shower
in the middle of the...
[CRYING]
I step out
of the radiation pod,
and the TSA agent
just starts screaming,
[SHOUTING]
"We have a groin anomaly!"
Like, that loud.
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!
"We're gonna need a pat down on
this groin anomaly over here.
"Yup, we got a flip-flop."
A groin anomaly.
Just shouting it!
Pointing at me and shouting,
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!"
And everyone else in security
is looking at me, like,
"What could the
groin anomaly be?"
"We got a groin..."
This...
That can't be protocol,
right? Like...
Can you imagine
reading the handbook?
And it's like,
"If you encounter someone
"with genitalia that doesn't
match your expectations
of that person,
"be sure to single them out
and start screaming about it."
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!
"Everybody down!"
[CHUCKLES]
Harris, if you want to find me
on Grindr after this,
its Groinanomaly87, okay?
Remember that.
I own it!
I choose to own it!
But even worse
than security is
bathrooms,
restrooms, toilets.
Airport bathrooms are
the nexus of all evil.
It's like, "Where do you go when
you're a genderqueer person?"
I choose to go
into the men's room.
You know, because if I'm gonna
make someone uncomfortable
with my presence,
I'd rather it be men.
So, I use the men's restroom,
you know.
And, oh, my God!
My favorite is,
I'm standing there
washing my hands,
singing Happy Birthday twice,
you know,
like the CDC says.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't think I'd ever washed
my hands before the pandemic.
Does anyone else
feel like that?
Like, during the pandemic,
I was, like, "One.
"Sing Happy Birthday."
I've been doing it wrong
for 34 years.
So, I'm washing my hands
at the sink in the restroom, and...
you know,
the door will swing open.
A guy goes...
[IN MALE VOICE] "I think you're
in the wrong restroom."
And I like to answer,
[IN MALE VOICE]
"No, I don't think I am."
[IN MALE VOICE] "Uh,
this is the men's restroom."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Or my favorite. I think...
I don't know where I was.
France!
I start walking into
a very crowded
men's restroom,
and a guy followed me
from the door to the stall,
going, "No, no.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!"
Like, what an insult
to my intelligence, right?
Like, forget that it's,
like, just mean.
But what an insult
to my intelligence.
Like, I, as a grown-ass
human being, can't read
a three letter sign?
Like, I walk in,
and I see the urinals,
and I'm like,
"Must be bidets."
Like, I can't hear the cascades
of red meat diarrhea
sloshing out of...
these businessmen
at the airport!
It's astounding.
They shit like
they are cheating on
their toilets at home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
They go to the airport
like they've been
saving it up all month.
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Can't wait to get
to that airport bathroom
"and really dump out."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Like I can't hear it.
Like I'm not counting
every single plop
and grunt that I hear.
Think I don't know
what fucking restroom
I'm in.
[IN MALE VOICE]
No, this is the men's restroom.
[SCREAMS] Duh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
And it pisses me off...
It pisses me off,
because they're insulting
my intelligence,
and I'm doing
what the Republicans want.
I'm going to the restroom
I was assigned at birth.
This is what they asked
me to do.
This is what they
passed laws about.
And then I'm doing it
and they are like,
[IN MALE VOICE]
"You can't be in here."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Where do I piss?
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
And it just...
it blows my mind.
It blows my mind
that the same Republicans
that are passing those laws
are the ones that keep getting
caught with their gay lovers,
in those restrooms.
Like, where is
the logic there.
[IN MALE VOICE]
Like I'm gonna
cheat on my wife.
And I'm gonna do it
standing up in a stall in
a room that smells like shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I'm gonna cheat on my wife
with a man,
but he had a better damn
be a cisgender man,
using the bathroom
that God intended him to use.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
The only thing that I used to
like about airports...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Was, you know,
drinking at 10:00 a.m.
Like, that was the only thing
you like about airports.
Like, drag queens on tour.
Oh, just any excuse.
There is a five minute delay.
[IN MALE VOICE]
Well, we better
go to the bar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
My liver is still
on UK time, girl.
[LAUGHS]
And we make all
the justifications,
like, it's a Bloody Mary.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's how I'm getting
my fruits
and vegetables in.
It's practical.
It's keeping the scurvy
at bay.
Now I don't even have
daytime drunkenness
to look forward
to anymore, because...
- [AUDIENCE BOOING]
- I know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am actually
three years sober
from alcohol.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you.
That's so nice of you.
That's what happens
when I say that in America,
I get applause.
In the UK,
I got booed off stage.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
In the concept
of like clapping
for someone
for quitting something,
you know.
You stopped doing it.
[LAUGHS]
It's the most boring
accomplishment I've ever had.
But, I just can't tell you how
nice it is not to be dependent
on a substance anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh, my God. Thank God.
I really needed that.
I don't know how I was gonna
get through the show
without that, um...
But when I did drink,
I was pretty good at drinking.
I was pretty good.
I was a hardened alcoholic.
As in, I only drank
straight vodka.
'Cause I thought, like,
it's easier to pace
myself that way.
Nothing getting in the way.
Nothing fooling my perception.
No sugar, no bubbles.
Just straight vodka.
On my birthday,
my friend went to the bartender
at a bar I was working at
and asked for my favorite drink.
This was a wakeup call.
They poured a tumbler
of room temperature vodka.
I was good
at drinking though, um...
I always knew how to find
a discreet place to puke.
You might think that
there is no good place
to puke in an elevator, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get ready for this life hack.
You know that space between
the elevator and the building,
when the doors open up
and there is that space.
That little gap.
And you can see
all the way down the shaft.
Listen to this.
I hunkered down.
And with laser precision,
I puked directly
down the gap.
I don't know how I did it.
There was no splash back.
No one was affected by it.
That's when I was like,
"I am really good
at drinking."
I was leaving a party
on the 33rd floor
and I was like,
"I gotta puke.
"There is a gap."
But imagine this though.
Sometimes when I would
get drunk,
crazy things would happen.
Like the first time
I was at Sydney Pride.
Sydney in Australia,
ever been?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Sydney Pride.
I was in the VIP section.
And in a full blown blackout,
I haggled with some drag queen
over the price of molly.
Because even in a blackout
I'm still a shrewd
business woman.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
So I haggled her down
on her molly.
What a fucking monster, right?
In America I can get
a molly pill for 20 bucks.
So I haggled this queen down.
Buying molly for me
and my friends.
And then I had to go
to the ATM to get some cash.
And while I was at the ATM,
my friends decided,
"We don't wanna do molly
we rather do K, Ketamine."
And, um...
So then, I come back
and unknowingly,
take my first dose
of Ketamine.
Do you know what an alcoholic,
narcoleptic drag queen
doesn't need to do for the first
time in a social setting?
Horse tranquilizers.
I was asleep
on the couch for six hours.
The only time I woke up
was to
apparently have an
long unintelligible conversation
with someone's cool mom,
who'd tagged along
to the party.
It was Paula Abdul.
It was...
It was!
It was Paula Abdul.
That's not a bit,
this happened.
And I didn't find out
until a couple months ago,
on my podcast.
What a revelation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, Yeah
I was completely passed out
for six hours."
And my friend
was like, "Well, you did
"have that really long
uncomfortable conversation
with Paula Abdul."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Paula Abdul was there?"
Met her in the middle
of the K.
Puked at that party, too.
I did.
But I think
that the reason why I...
You know, I didn't admit
for a long time that I had
a problem with drinking,
because I was a drag queen,
and we are all
fucking alcoholics.
It's our lot in life,
you know.
It's our Polyjuice potion.
Um...
But I have
a very specific barometer
for what makes
an alcoholic.
And I think that's why
I kept drinking the way
I did for so long, because...
Um, I was holding myself
to a very specific standard
that I don't recommend at all.
Uh, so right now
I'm gonna tell you
this story,
so that you can
learn from it.
It's the story
of Big Gay Tom.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Big Gay Tom.
Was a big,
gay party animal,
who is always on his way
to or from some rager.
He was always
on at least three substances.
And he was my hero.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One night I see
Big Gay Tom at a party.
And he goes,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You know, he had
that raspy, hoarse gay voice.
[LAUGHS]
There's like three types
of gay voice. This is like
gay pride voice,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl."
[LAUGHS]
He goes,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl...
"Look at my finger."
And sure enough, his finger
was in a bloody bandage
and a split,
and I said
"Big Gay Tom, what happened
to your finger?"
And he says,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl.
"Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I tell you, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING] "Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING]
"I was so fucking
fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING]
"So fucking
fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I was so
fucking fucked up.
"I don't know, girl,
I was drunk and I...
"I fell on it and it exploded."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"It exploded?"
[IN BIG GAY TOM VOICE]
"Yeah, that's
what the doctor said.
"It exploded."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So, for weeks after that,
every time I saw Big Gay Tom,
I got an unsolicited update
on his finger.
Sometimes it was like,
"Jinkx girl,
look at my finger.
It's getting better, girl.
"Doctor says I can take
the bandage off soon, girl."
The next time I see him,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl...
"Look at my finger, girl,
it's all fucked up, girl."
But then it would be,
"Girl, I can move it.
I can move my finger, girl.
"We're gonna
be all right, girl."
Next time,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl...
"I fell
on my finger again, girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Until one day it was gone.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I know.
I know it's hard to believe,
but one day I ran
into Big Gay Tom,
and his finger
was just gone.
And I said,
"Tom, what happened
to your finger?"
And he said, "Girl...
[DEEP VOICE]
"that finger was more trouble
than it was worth."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Can you imagine?
He wouldn't take enough time
off from partying
to just let his
finger heal itself.
And that's the amazing thing,
is it would have healed itself.
The body is capable
of miraculous things.
But it got in the way.
Got on the way
of him having fun,
so he just cut it out.
Just like my dad.
[LAUGHS]
Two, two.
That's not even
in the script.
It just came to me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh.
So, I had... I had
a weird barometer
for what makes an alcoholic.
I thought as long as I have
all my fingers, I'm okay.
As long as I don't elect
to remove an appendage,
I'm drinking pretty good.
And when I first quit,
I was really scared
that I was like...
You know when you get drunk
you feel like a sex goddess.
You know?
You feel so fucking sexy
when you're drunk.
You're like,
you pound a shot
and you're just like,
you're on a catwalk
for the rest of the night.
And I was so scared,
like, can I be sexy
without being wasted?
I know, it sounds like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's drunk logic.
Can I be sexy if I'm not
stumbling down the street,
slurring my words?
Because I love having sex.
I'm a slut.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I know you don't wanna think
about your mom having sex.
But I'm a vibrant,
sexually active woman.
And, um...
I've just always
been a slut.
I have.
I've always been a slut.
In college...
Hell, in high school.
In middle school,
I was...
I was just... I was
that one queer person
that all the straight guys
experimented with.
Oh, he just started
clapping right away.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know,
you know the struggles.
Is that your straight friend
right there?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh,
every straight guy.
Because, you know, I was
just femme enough
to, like,
not threaten anything,
you know.
So every straight guy
who was even
barely bi-curious
would come
experiment with me.
Yeah.
I was like a semipermeable
membrane between
straight and gay.
Straight guys would come
clanging up against
this fatty bi-lipid.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Remember science?
They come slamming up
against this fatty bi-lipid.
And some of them would pass
on through to homosexuality.
Some of them it was like,
"you shall not pass!"
Too much teeth, um...
I bet you didn't know
that's how homosexuality
was transferred,
through osmosis.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I've just always been
a slut, and you know,
being an ethical slut,
being like a responsible slut,
it takes practice, you know.
Takes years
of embarrassing situations. Like...
[ALL LAUGHING]
This one summer
in college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Drag queens love
to brag about going
to college.
It's one constant
among drag queens.
I went to college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One summer in college,
I was sleeping with this guy,
he was a chef.
He always kinda
smelled like garlic,
so keeper. You know.
And we had
a great sexual chemistry,
and so we were...
We were doing lot of fucking.
We were doing lot of banging
that summer.
And then, you know,
I don't know if you know this,
but summer eventually ends.
And so you know,
our love affair, our tryst
was coming to an end.
And it was one of the last
nights we were gonna be
able to see each other,
and roommates were out,
so I call him up and I'm like,
"Do you wanna come over
for one last...
dip in the honey pot?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
And he said, "Yeah,
I will come over,
"but I gotta be honest
with you, I've been drinking."
I didn't know why that was
like an issue,
you know, I was like,
"Whatever, call a cab."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And so, he came over,
and I... you know,
I don't know why...
I didn't know why
he had specified
that he had been drinking,
but I soon found out.
You know
what whiskey dick is?
Whiskey dick?
Lesbians?
Whiskey dick is...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is what Whiskey dick is.
When person who has a penis
has had too much whiskey,
they might find it hard,
no, it's the opposite.
They might find it difficult
to achieve and maintain
a full blown erection.
And it doesn't just happen
with whiskey.
I have seen Jager dick.
I have seen
Sauvignon Blanc dick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mike's not-so-hard lemonade,
you know.
So, the chef had
whiskey dick that night.
But it was our
last night together.
So we... we just gave it
the college try, you know.
And after hours
of just pulverizing
his penis...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We finally got his dick
just hard enough
to have sex.
Just hard enough.
Have you ever heard
the expression
"pushing rope"?
We got it just hard enough,
and it wasn't the best sex,
but it got the job done.
And then afterwards,
you know,
as we were redressing.
I was sheepishly redressing,
because I was raised Catholic.
So even though
I'm a slut, I am always like,
I feel horrible afterwards.
- It's like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's like,
I'll have the sex,
and then I'll feel horrible
for three hours afterwards.
So fun. Um...
So, I am redressing,
we're making small talk,
filling that awkward silence.
And I'm looking
around the room,
and I said, "Wait,
where is the condom?
"I've got to
throw condom away."
And he looks me in the eyes
and in menthol cool confidence,
he says,
"Oh, yeah,
I think it's
still inside you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like it was no big deal.
"I think
it's still inside you."
Like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was so scandalized.
I was shocked.
This had never
happened before.
But I wanted to save face,
so I was like... [LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Weird.
[ALL LAUGHING]
How did that happen?
I don't know
why I asked that question.
How did that happen?
I knew what happened.
His limp dick left
its trash inside of me.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
But I was trying
to play it cool,
so I said,
"How did that happen?"
And he...
Oh, my God. He said,
"I don't know,
I think your ass is too tight."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Excuse me?
Too tight?
That's the point.
That's why it feels so good
when you fuck it.
It's cause it's tight.
He tried to
blame it on me.
This floppy dick motherfucker
tried to blame it on me.
And I was
so embarrassed.
I would...
I didn't even want to go
take care of it, you know.
I refused to go
to the restroom
and take care of it.
'Cause I knew the second I did,
he'd know what
I was doing in there.
Pushing a condom
out of me.
He had robbed me
of my mystique.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I left it inside me
for 45 minutes.
While we were saying
our goodbyes.
You know, talking about
what we are gonna do
in the fall. And all the while
my brain is like,
"There's a condom
inside of you!
"It's still in there!
"What's gonna happen?
"How long can it
stay there?
"It's gonna float up
to your brain.
You're gonna have a stroke."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I decided
after that encounter,
that I would never let
someone blame me
for something
they did to me.
I feel like
that's pretty simple, right?
Don't let someone
blame you for something
they did to you.
But I am happy to report
that quitting drinking did not
kill my sex drive.
I'm still having lots of sex.
And I remember it.
[GIGGLES]
I will tell you one thing
that has definitely improved
my sex life.
Being famous, uhm...
No, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I mean...
I'm not joking, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, nothing improves
a drag queen's sex life
like going on
RuPaul's Drag Race.
My Grindr's always going
off the hook.
It's like... [GIBBERING]
That's what Grindr...
That's what Grindr
sounds like.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GIBBERING]
But more
importantly than that.
I have embraced
my true identity.
In the last ten years,
you know,
every year I take further steps
towards my true identity.
I identify as
a trans-femme-non-binary
human being.
And it took me years to like,
just even be able
to say that to myself.
And like, be chill with that,
you know.
'Cause I've been a drag queen
since I was like 15.
But I would take drag off,
and I would think I'd have
to put on boy drag,
'cause I had to be boy
when I'm not in drag,
you know.
I thought that only way
anyone was gonna have
anything to do with me
is if I presented as male.
And when I...
When I really started
to embrace my truth,
I realized sex is
so much better when you
get to be yourself during it.
You know...
Like when you're not...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Like when you're not
having to like make
boy noises during sex.
I get to make the noises
I naturally make now,
and I always just thought,
you know like,
because of the way
society talks to us about gender
and teaches us about gender,
you think,
"Who's gonna wanna love,
you know, that, um,
shapeless sack of pizza dough
that I described earlier?"
Turns out lots...
- Lots of people.
- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Lots.
I met my husband.
Um...
We've been married
for over year now.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
See? And, um,
he is British,
I think I mentioned that.
Um, I am basically
bilingual now. Um...
Marriage is
all about compromise.
I watched 13 Going on 30.
Watching any Jennifer Garner
movie is just, you know,
compromise on my end.
We were watching it
and he's like,
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Are you liking it more than
you thought you would?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I was like,
"I'm liking it the exact amount
I thought I would."
And he said, like,
"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't
have Babadook in it."
[ALL LAUGHING]
I just realized, um...
I told that whole story about
the condom up my butt.
Which, I am sorry
if that's not the show
you expected.
I bet you thought it was all
gonna be like, "Love yourself.
Water off a duck's back."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Judy Garland impressions.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[IMITATES JUDY GARLAND]
Thank you.
Thank you. That's marvelous.
It's absolutely wonderful.
It's so nice to
see you all here.
I'm not Dorothy anymore.
I chopped off the pigtails,
you see.
Um...
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I know you expected that
probably and then you came,
and it's like,
"Let me tell you about the time
I lost a condom up my butt."
So I realized
I told you
a whole story
about condom getting lost
up my butt, and I...
know that some
of you are visual learners.
And you're probably
like, "I don't know
how it happened."
So I prepared
a demonstration.
Now...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I used to take...
teach, like,
safe sex lessons.
Um, at the...
All Ages Queer Youth
Resources Center
of Portland Oregon.
And we used to do,
you know, like, how to
put on condom demonstration.
So, when you are showing
someone how to put on
a condom on an erect penis,
um, you can use
a banana, or a cucumber.
Um, a carrot.
But when you're doing
whiskey dick demonstration,
you take
the banana peel off first.
So for those of you
who still don't know
the mechanics
of how that condom
got lost in my butt...
Beautiful, pinch the tip.
This banana...
This banana is ready
for some safe, consensual,
responsible sex.
So, um... This...
This was his penis.
His whiskey dick.
This right here
is my pristine,
tight, tight butthole.
And this is
how it happened.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get in there.
Until finally
it just worked its way up.
And it was lost forever.
And now...
Oh, did you...
You all just watched me
do that.
You all just watched
this middle aged woman
in corset
struggle to get down...
No one offered any help.
Thanks a lot.
This is now
a souvenir for you.
You get to keep that.
Just tie it off.
Tie it off. Oh.
Here is some extra.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, if you take away
one lesson from tonight...
It's, um, what I said
about embracing
your true identity.
Especially when it comes
to having sex,
when finding sexual partners,
because, um,
it just makes things
so much better.
I actually wrote, um...
I didn't write it.
I don't...
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]
Who has the time?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My music partner
Major Scales...
[APPLAUDS]
You hear that, Major?
They know your name.
Um...
Major wrote this song.
But it is completely
written about experiences
that I have had in my own life.
Um, and I sing it
for you now.
So that you may
learn from it.
You're welcome.
Hit it.
["JUST ME
THE GENDER BINARY BLUES"
PLAYING]
There's so much noise
in the world today
For whatever reason
we all get to have our say
But respect
for which everybody begs
Is hard to find
with people so concerned
With what's
between our legs
Now in the past
I've caused confusion
It's true
[LAUGHS]
But what's the fun
of living life
pink or blue?
I say, just tell 'em all
to shut up
And just be you
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
La da di da da da ba da
Now when I'm at the movies
and I'm standing in line
I might hear some guy
shout out saying
"Girl, you look fine"
Well, I may think
it's rude
But that old attitude
makes me laugh
[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]
Or if I'm on the phone
and I'm talking so bold
And that operator says to me
"Ma'am, please hold"
Well, I know it's my voice
It's never been
a choice for me
I may sound like a dame
and my curves make 'em cry
But there is more man
to me than meets the eye
No, I'm not either or
What a bore, I'm just me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Now when I'm at the doctor
for little old check up
And he says
I've marked the wrong box
and I wanna yell, "Step up!"
Well, I take it in stride
It won't change
what's inside of me
- Might change the results
of that Pap smear though.
- Shut up.
Or if I'm
at airport security
And they send in
some chick
To start patting me down
until she notices my
Dic-tion and
my grammar correct
I am what I elect to be
Now you can
call me uncouth
Call me
in a pinch hitter
You can call me
miss, or mister
Just don't
call me a quitter
I've got nothing to prove
Doll or dude
I'm just me
What does it matter
if you're a girl, or a guy
What good's a label do?
Don't let them tell you
that it's do or die
I say, buck up
They're the fuck up
Don't let them put
the blame on you
Whoa, oh, oh
We're both
the beauty and the beast
We're the genie
and the lamp
We're the tramp
and we're the lady
Though I'm mainly
just the tramp
Blowing up the binary
I'm a stiletto
on a size 12 shoe
Enjoy the show
and stick around, or screw
Yeah, there's nothing
they can do
Darling, it's true
'cause I'm just
Me
[APPLAUDING]
Me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you so much.
You've been
a wonderful crowd.
Thank you, all.
Thank you,
thank you.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Saint Syndrome,
my pianist for the evening.
Thank you all so much,
and um...
I just want to remind you,
sex is so much better
when you get to be yourself
during it.
Don't let anyone
slut shame you.
If they do,
they are probably
just religious and...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And all religions
are cults.
Goodnight, everybody!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: You met her on
season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race
as a sleepy, neurotic queen
who wouldn't shut up
about ducks.
You've seen her as
the milky swamp witch
skulking around the work room
on All Stars 7.
Now, get ready to see her
like you've never
seen her before.
- Upright and conscious!
- [PIANO PLAYING]
Please welcome,
Jinkx Monsoon!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MOUTHING]
Baby
I've been stompin' 'round
In these heels for
all the goddamn day
I got
Aches and annoyance
from livin' to earn my pay
And some peace and quiet
from you
Would really go a long way
So ease it down
You see, I'm tired
I'm spent
I'm really feelin' my age
You know life
is twice as hard
When you're livin'
half on the stage
And I barely have the energy
to sing you this song
So let's get some
cartoons and vodka
And do 'em all night long
Ooh, boy
Are you ready for some fun?
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
You can call me juvenile
But I'm picky on how
I spend my time
Don't you know
it takes two crates
of makeup
To go out lookin' this fine
I don't work these nails
to the bone
To hear you squabble
and whine
So help me out
You see, I'm hot
I'm wet
and it's really not fair
Takes more than a
tall cool glass of you
There, honey
to bring me up for air
And I've been too blown
to rest these bones
For a long country mile
So let's get some
cartoons and vodka
And put 'em on for a while
Ooh, boy
Gimme some of that smile
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Saint Syndrome on piano, everybody.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ho, boy!
Are you ready for some fun?
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Drink 'em down
Ooh
Hi, everyone.
I'm Jinkx Monsoon.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
- [MONSOON LAUGHING]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
Oh!
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
COVID!
Okay, now that we got that
out of the way.
I feel like you have to
address it, right?
I didn't know how
to bring it up
without making us all sad.
But I felt like
it's my responsibility,
as a voice for the people,
to at least acknowledge
that it happened.
Like, that happened.
When it happened,
I went through all the
drag queen stages of grief.
Okay, there is only stage,
and it's wondering,
"How is this going
to affect me...
"directly?"
It's really hard to just
watch my calendar
just like, gigs just started
disappearing left and right.
Like my dad.
- And, um... [LAUGHS]
- [CROWD LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Is it too early in the show
for a broken family joke?
I mean,
I don't think you're here
'cause you're well adjusted.
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [MONSOON LAUGHS]
Dads are so optional
these days.
[SIGHS]
Watching all my gigs disappear.
And I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year,
you know?
Like, I was all set up
for a great year.
I had, um,
just gotten
a hair transplant,
How does it look?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
I had finally justified
the huge splurge
that is, getting
a hair transplant,
you know?
Because I had so many gigs
lined up right afterwards.
I was gonna make it all back!
I was, you know,
in a committed relationship.
I'm now married.
Ooh!
See! My wedding ring.
This is the proof.
I was in a
committed relationship
with my hung
British husband.
More on that later.
It takes a while to
talk about it,
but, um...
I really thought 2020
was gonna be my year.
You know, I was all set up.
And, then, I know I sho...
I don't know why
I'm complaining.
You know, like,
we all went through this.
But...
I had to start living at home.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
Like, for someone
who's just been
constantly on the road
for 10 years,
imagine the adjustment
to, just like, living at home.
[SCOFFS]
I realized
there are so many things
that I'd forgotten how to do.
Like, answering
phone calls...
and reading physical mail,
Brushing my teeth.
It was a lot to take on.
I became quiet a hermit.
And just to be safe,
while social distancing,
I really played it safe.
I even avoided eye contact.
It was
an introvert's holiday.
And now, we are coming out
of the pan... Are we?
I still don't know.
I still don't know.
One day, we just arbitrarily,
we're like, "It's done!"
"It's over, y'all!"
Start sucking dick and
spitting' on each other again.
[CHUCKLES] It's done.
And now, I don't know...
I don't know.
It's so funny that we live in
this time that people are,
you know, "people"...
Republicans are
actively trying
to strip away our rights,
while so many straight people
are starting to embrace
the gay lifestyle,
in ways they
never have before.
Okay.
And I'm not against it.
Who's straight here?
Yeah, [CHUCKLES]
you think in my audience.
We got three!
We got three...
Three or four.
You're out on your,
"Once a year day!
"The kids are at home.
"I'm gonna see a drag show!"
I don't mind that
straight people are embracing
the queer lifestyle
more and more,
but I do have some requests.
Straight girls...
stop doing poppers on
the dance floor.
That's cultural appropriation,
and I don't appreciate it.
[SOFTLY]
Poppers on the dance floor.
And, I'm sorry. But...
straights.
Sorry.
You.
Straight people,
kindly stop eating ass.
Do you know how hard
we worked for that?
We fought for years
for the right to eat ass.
You can't just come in late and
start reaping the benefits
of years of
gay rights movements.
Marsha P. Johnson
marched on Washington
so that we could eat ass.
No. Ass eating is great.
Everyone should try it.
I'm gonna go off-script
for a second,
because there's just...
I don't know if you know this,
but I can see you.
Um...
I know it's been, like,
two years without going
out to live theater,
but I can literally
see all of you.
This isn't TV.
So I need you
to just constantly
be smiling and laughing.
Okay?
'Cause I'm a Virgo,
I'm gonna look out in this crowd
and see that one person
wearing glasses with the beard
right there, who's just,
the whole show, been like...
Like, looking for cues
for when to laugh.
I'm talking about eating ass.
Just... crack a smile.
Are you wearing a corset?
No!
So, just smile, damn it.
I know I shouldn't tell people
how to experience things.
If you want to
just sit there,
make me feel horrible
about myself
through the whole show,
that's your prerogative.
But, now,
a famous person hates you.
So...
What's your name, darling?
What?
- Harris?
- MAN: Harris.
Ha-Harris? Harris?
Okay.
That's a stupid name.
I'm sorry.
Harris, I'll find you
on Grindr after this.
It's okay.
I just came back from the UK.
[PIANO PLAYING BRITISH MUSIC]
That's a UK song.
I did just come back
from the UK.
That's not just a bit
I'm doing. That's real.
That's why I'm standing
on the right side of the stage
right now.
The UK.
[SIGHS]
When I was young,
I thought it was so fancy, right?
Just anything British
is just inherently fancier
than America, right?
The UK. [SCOFFS]
The UK is just the US
with bad lighting.
It's like...
I don't know if anyone
here is British.
So, sorry if you're feeling,
like, called out right now.
But they do this thing,
where, instead of "hello",
like a decent person would
say to someone on the street.
Instead of, like,
"Hello, how are you?"
They go,
"You okay?
"You all right?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
And as an alcoholic,
that is, like,
really triggering.
To just start a
conversation like that?
"You okay?"
[SHOUTS ANGRILY
IN NORMAL ACCENT]
"You don't know me!
"You don't know
what I did last night!"
And I'm a Virgo.
I'm highly anxious.
So, I always think
I must've done something.
Like...
"You okay?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
"I'm sorry, whatever it is."
That's just how they
start a conversation.
Isn't that gross?
"You all right?"
But, I think the thing that
pisses me off the most about
the UK...
I know.
What a place of privilege, right?
Well, the thing that
pisses me off the most
about travelling to the UK.
Ever been?
One of the things that
really irritates me about
British people
is their inability
to grasp the concept
of a Subway sandwich shop.
They... they...
They don't know
how it works.
Sometimes, I'll be late
for a sound check,
and I'm standing behind
fucking flouncy totin' bottom
up there,
trying to order a sandwich
from Subway.
I know this makes me
sound like absolute trash.
I'm like...
Before sound check,
I always stop off at a Subway
and get my compulsory Footlong
before the show.
But, standing behind this
British person who doesn't know
how it works,
asking, like,
"What comes on the
Turkey Breast sandwich?"
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Anything you like, ma'am."
"Does it come with tomatoes?
"'Cause I don't like tomatoes.
"I don't like tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Comes with whatever
you want on it, ma'am."
"You pick the toppings"
"I don't want any tomatoes though.
"No tomatoes."
[IN MALE VOICE]
"It's a good call.
"The tomatoes look
rather poorly here."
"What's all them
green bits there?"
[IN MALE VOICE]
"That's lettuce, ma'am."
"Salad?
"On a sandwich?
"Huh!
"It's not even
Saint Crispin's feast day"
"You know what I hate
about international travel?"
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
I just can't get over that.
I don't know if you can tell
just by looking at me,
but I'm from
Portland, Oregon.
- [GIGGLES]
- [AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS]
Oh, good! We have some.
Are you from Portland?
So humble over there,
clapping for yourself.
I was born and raised
in Portland.
I moved away,
and then I came back,
because Portlanders are
like the Amish on Rumspringa.
Ninety percent of them
come back after they, like,
sow their wild oats.
It's funnier if you're
from Portland.
Fuck you!
That joke kills
in Portland!
Why aren't you Portland?
I moved back to Portland.
I always had the plan
of moving back to Portland.
I always planned on it,
because I want to raise
my kids there.
Because I was raised
in Portland,
I was able to come out
at a very young age.
I had a lot of resources.
I knew other queer people.
It was a very good place
to grow up queer.
Portland, Oregon.
So, I've always wanted
to raise kids there
if I ever have them.
And I kind of
have this plan.
This is, like,
the most Portland-y thing.
I'm gonna have a
gender-reveal party, okay?
[SHUDDERS MOCKINGLY]
[MOCKINGLY]
Boo!
Hiss!
I want to have a
gender-reveal party
in Portland,
and I want to make
a big deal about it.
Like, "Come to my
gender-reveal party
for my baby."
And get everyone coming
to this party
and be really, really excited.
I'll bring out the big cake,
and I'll be, like,
"Are you all ready?
"We're gonna find out
the gender of my baby!
"Are you ready?"
And then,
I cut into the cake
and pull out a slice,
and it's just white.
And everyone is, like, "Huh?"
"What gender is that?"
And then, I just start taking
fistfuls of the cake
and going,
[IN ANGRY VOICE]
"Fuck you!
"How dare you?
"How dare you
come to this party,
"supporting the
construct of gender
"as it's been mandated
by our oppressive overlords?
"You complacent asshole!
"How dare you think
I would raise my child
"in a gendered world?"
[IN GENTLE VOICE]
"But the cake?"
I know. Okay. So, I've used
the word "queer" a lot tonight,
and I don't know
where we all stand
with the word "queer".
I was raised believing
it was a, um, you know,
a reclaimed word,
an umbrella term,
for anyone
who is not straight.
But I know, you know,
different people come
from different parts
of the world,
and they have
different experiences
with the word "queer".
But, I have
to use the word "queer"
to just explain
the multitudes
in which I'm not straight.
It's like, "Gay doesn't cut
it for me, okay?"
And I know what you
see right now.
I know what you're
looking at right now
is a gorgeous,
cis-gendered woman.
And you're brain...
You see a mature woman
of a certain age,
and your brain is like,
"Queer? What?"
But I use the word "queer",
because, you know,
trademark gay,
it just doesn't cut it for me.
You know, I'm not gay, as in,
"I like to suck cock",
but queer, as in,
"I'm just a hole, sir."
Not gay, as in, like,
"Brunch with the girls",
but queer, as in,
"Feed me, Seymour.
"Feed me now!"
I'm not gay, as in, like,
"I'm gonna do drag
on Halloween",
but queer, as in,
"I am Christine Baranski."
I just am her.
I'm not gay, as in, like,
"Yaas!"
But queer, as in...
[RAMBLES GIBBERISH]
[CONTINUES RAMBLING]
Very queer.
You know, representation
in the media is so important.
I think, you know, gay people
and queer people are alike.
We only recently started having,
like, really good representation
in the media.
And, for so long, you know,
we had to find representation
in things that weren't
actually meant
to be queer representation,
but we saw it.
We saw it.
You know, like,
those trademark gays,
they saw themselves
in Peter Pan,
you know, the eternal twink
wearing leggings,
hanging out in the woods
with the lost boys,
you know.
Queer people,
we saw ourselves in movies
like Addams Family Values.
[PIANO PLAYING
"ADDAMS FAMILY THEME"]
It was Pavlovian.
You know, like,
lipstick lesbians
saw themselves
in Morticia Addams,
suburban Hot Topic shoppers
saw themselves in Wednesday,
fisting enthusiasts
saw themselves in Thing.
I've always seen myself
as Debbie Jellinsky.
I'm trusting you all saw this,
'cause Addams Family Values
is arguable the queerest
Addams Family film
in the Addams Family franchise.
And, you know,
at a very young age,
Debbie Jellinsky
really resonated with me.
Played by the
unsung queer icon,
Joan Cusack.
I resonate with this character
so much that
I even wrote a song
about it, and...
I'm gonna sing
that song for you now.
Hit it!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't wanna hurt anybody
I don't enjoy
hurting anybody
I don't like guns, or bombs
or electric chairs
But sometimes
people just won't listen
And so I have
to use persuasion
And slides
My parents
generous, doting
Or were they?
All I ever wanted was
a Ballerina Barbie
In her pretty pink tutu
My birthday
I was ten
And do you know
what they got me?
Malibu Barbie
That's not what I wanted
That's not who I was
I was a ballerina
Graceful! Delicate!
They had to go
'Cause what about Debbie?
What about me?
They're the ones
who killed my childhood
And I get the third degree?
I've always said that
love is war as far as I can see
So what about Debbie?
What about me?
My first husband
The heart surgeon
All day long
Coronaries, transplants
Sorry about dinner, Deb
The Pope has a cold
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Husband two
The senator
He loved his state
He loved his country
Sorry, Debbie
No Mercedes this year
We have to set an example
Oh, yeah?
Set this!
'Cause what about Debbie?
What about me?
He thought the car
we had was fine
Until it pinned him
to a tree
You know we all deserve
a little respect and courtesy
So what about Debbie?
What about me?
You took me in
You accepted me
But did any of you love me?
I mean, really love me?
So I killed
So I maimed
So I destroyed
one innocent life after another
Aren't I a human being?
Don't I yearn
and ache, and shop?
Don't I deserve love?
And jewelry?
Yeah, don't forget Debbie
Don't forget me
I sure hope you
enjoyed our little chat
'Cause I'm the last face
you'll see
And when you're burning
with the rest of them
Your final thoughts will be
What about Debbie?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
What about me?
Oooh!
Goodbye, everyone
Wish me luck
[CROWD CHEERING]
Thank you.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK]
Joan Cusack...
Oh, wow!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, no. That became
Jennifer Coolidge for a second.
[MIMICS JOAN CUSACK]
Wow.
You look great.
Wow.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
We discover
a lot about ourselves
through media, you know.
Sometimes,
things we didn't realize
we were gonna
discover about ourselves.
We're not responsible
for what happens
when we watch certain movies.
Okay?
I think it's time that Disney
takes some responsibility.
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.
Sorry!
I used to be more nervous
to talk about my foot fetish,
but it's, like,
so mainstream
these days.
You know, like,
every Instagrammer, like,
posts pics of their feet now,
so I feel comfortable
telling you.
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish.
Um, the movie was
the Beauty and the Beast.
When I was watching
Beauty and the Beast,
and that scene where
Gaston comes swaggering
into Belle's hut,
giant dick slapping
back and forth
as he walks in.
I assume.
No one with a chin that big
doesn't have a dick to match, right?
As I've found.
When Gaston came swaggering
into that hut,
I saw that. I was like,
"Yaas, Gaston, yaas!"
"I will be
your brood mother.
"You can go hunt,
and I'll have babies."
But...
more disturbingly,
when he pushed off
those big muddy boots,
slammed his feet
up on the table,
and there was that one big toe
sticking out of that sock.
Oh, don't pretend like
you don't remember the toe!
Don't act like that toe isn't
burned into your memories
for all time.
You know the toe!
When I saw that one big toe,
sticking out of that sock,
it was like,
Something has changed
within me
Something is not the same
Disney is responsible
for my foot fetish!
And I'm pretty sure they are
responsible for furries, too.
But...
But, um, that's all
I'm gonna say about that.
Not gonna poke that bear.
[INAUDIBLE]
Bear! Get it?
- She was talking about furries.
- [PLAYS PIANO]
So, I've known I was queer
for a very long time.
I've known I was genderqueer
for a very long time.
I came out as a non-binary
in my early twenties.
And I just get progressively
femmer and femmer every year.
And I got to say,
there is one place.
It's just, it's rough.
It's rough to be non-binary
at airports.
It fucking sucks!
Airports are the most
gender-phobic place
you'll ever experience.
Every single airport.
Terrible!
Airports are hellmouths.
When you go through TSA,
the security checkpoint
as a gender non-binary,
genderqueer, like,
non-descript person.
When you look like me,
out of drag.
Do you know what
I look like out of drag?
You know, just like,
androgynous, shapeless
sack of pizza dough.
Just like...
rising out of Spanx leggings,
you know,
that I bought at the airport.
When you go through TSA
as a genderqueer person,
they, like, flip a coin,
and you get in that machine,
and they gender you.
And then, they freak out
when they got it wrong.
They're, like, mad at you
that they misgendered you.
And, like,
one specific time...
[CLEARS THROAT]
I was mortified.
I went through, you know,
that radiation pod.
[INAUDIBLE]
[CRYING] "No, there is nothing
in my pockets. Just do it."
Like, you're taking
a Silkwood shower
in the middle of the...
[CRYING]
I step out
of the radiation pod,
and the TSA agent
just starts screaming,
[SHOUTING]
"We have a groin anomaly!"
Like, that loud.
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!
"We're gonna need a pat down on
this groin anomaly over here.
"Yup, we got a flip-flop."
A groin anomaly.
Just shouting it!
Pointing at me and shouting,
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!"
And everyone else in security
is looking at me, like,
"What could the
groin anomaly be?"
"We got a groin..."
This...
That can't be protocol,
right? Like...
Can you imagine
reading the handbook?
And it's like,
"If you encounter someone
"with genitalia that doesn't
match your expectations
of that person,
"be sure to single them out
and start screaming about it."
[SHOUTING]
"We got a groin anomaly!
"Everybody down!"
[CHUCKLES]
Harris, if you want to find me
on Grindr after this,
its Groinanomaly87, okay?
Remember that.
I own it!
I choose to own it!
But even worse
than security is
bathrooms,
restrooms, toilets.
Airport bathrooms are
the nexus of all evil.
It's like, "Where do you go when
you're a genderqueer person?"
I choose to go
into the men's room.
You know, because if I'm gonna
make someone uncomfortable
with my presence,
I'd rather it be men.
So, I use the men's restroom,
you know.
And, oh, my God!
My favorite is,
I'm standing there
washing my hands,
singing Happy Birthday twice,
you know,
like the CDC says.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't think I'd ever washed
my hands before the pandemic.
Does anyone else
feel like that?
Like, during the pandemic,
I was, like, "One.
"Sing Happy Birthday."
I've been doing it wrong
for 34 years.
So, I'm washing my hands
at the sink in the restroom, and...
you know,
the door will swing open.
A guy goes...
[IN MALE VOICE] "I think you're
in the wrong restroom."
And I like to answer,
[IN MALE VOICE]
"No, I don't think I am."
[IN MALE VOICE] "Uh,
this is the men's restroom."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Or my favorite. I think...
I don't know where I was.
France!
I start walking into
a very crowded
men's restroom,
and a guy followed me
from the door to the stall,
going, "No, no.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!"
Like, what an insult
to my intelligence, right?
Like, forget that it's,
like, just mean.
But what an insult
to my intelligence.
Like, I, as a grown-ass
human being, can't read
a three letter sign?
Like, I walk in,
and I see the urinals,
and I'm like,
"Must be bidets."
Like, I can't hear the cascades
of red meat diarrhea
sloshing out of...
these businessmen
at the airport!
It's astounding.
They shit like
they are cheating on
their toilets at home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
They go to the airport
like they've been
saving it up all month.
[IN MALE VOICE]
"Can't wait to get
to that airport bathroom
"and really dump out."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Like I can't hear it.
Like I'm not counting
every single plop
and grunt that I hear.
Think I don't know
what fucking restroom
I'm in.
[IN MALE VOICE]
No, this is the men's restroom.
[SCREAMS] Duh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
And it pisses me off...
It pisses me off,
because they're insulting
my intelligence,
and I'm doing
what the Republicans want.
I'm going to the restroom
I was assigned at birth.
This is what they asked
me to do.
This is what they
passed laws about.
And then I'm doing it
and they are like,
[IN MALE VOICE]
"You can't be in here."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Where do I piss?
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
And it just...
it blows my mind.
It blows my mind
that the same Republicans
that are passing those laws
are the ones that keep getting
caught with their gay lovers,
in those restrooms.
Like, where is
the logic there.
[IN MALE VOICE]
Like I'm gonna
cheat on my wife.
And I'm gonna do it
standing up in a stall in
a room that smells like shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I'm gonna cheat on my wife
with a man,
but he had a better damn
be a cisgender man,
using the bathroom
that God intended him to use.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
The only thing that I used to
like about airports...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Was, you know,
drinking at 10:00 a.m.
Like, that was the only thing
you like about airports.
Like, drag queens on tour.
Oh, just any excuse.
There is a five minute delay.
[IN MALE VOICE]
Well, we better
go to the bar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
My liver is still
on UK time, girl.
[LAUGHS]
And we make all
the justifications,
like, it's a Bloody Mary.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's how I'm getting
my fruits
and vegetables in.
It's practical.
It's keeping the scurvy
at bay.
Now I don't even have
daytime drunkenness
to look forward
to anymore, because...
- [AUDIENCE BOOING]
- I know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am actually
three years sober
from alcohol.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you.
That's so nice of you.
That's what happens
when I say that in America,
I get applause.
In the UK,
I got booed off stage.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
In the concept
of like clapping
for someone
for quitting something,
you know.
You stopped doing it.
[LAUGHS]
It's the most boring
accomplishment I've ever had.
But, I just can't tell you how
nice it is not to be dependent
on a substance anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh, my God. Thank God.
I really needed that.
I don't know how I was gonna
get through the show
without that, um...
But when I did drink,
I was pretty good at drinking.
I was pretty good.
I was a hardened alcoholic.
As in, I only drank
straight vodka.
'Cause I thought, like,
it's easier to pace
myself that way.
Nothing getting in the way.
Nothing fooling my perception.
No sugar, no bubbles.
Just straight vodka.
On my birthday,
my friend went to the bartender
at a bar I was working at
and asked for my favorite drink.
This was a wakeup call.
They poured a tumbler
of room temperature vodka.
I was good
at drinking though, um...
I always knew how to find
a discreet place to puke.
You might think that
there is no good place
to puke in an elevator, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get ready for this life hack.
You know that space between
the elevator and the building,
when the doors open up
and there is that space.
That little gap.
And you can see
all the way down the shaft.
Listen to this.
I hunkered down.
And with laser precision,
I puked directly
down the gap.
I don't know how I did it.
There was no splash back.
No one was affected by it.
That's when I was like,
"I am really good
at drinking."
I was leaving a party
on the 33rd floor
and I was like,
"I gotta puke.
"There is a gap."
But imagine this though.
Sometimes when I would
get drunk,
crazy things would happen.
Like the first time
I was at Sydney Pride.
Sydney in Australia,
ever been?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Sydney Pride.
I was in the VIP section.
And in a full blown blackout,
I haggled with some drag queen
over the price of molly.
Because even in a blackout
I'm still a shrewd
business woman.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
So I haggled her down
on her molly.
What a fucking monster, right?
In America I can get
a molly pill for 20 bucks.
So I haggled this queen down.
Buying molly for me
and my friends.
And then I had to go
to the ATM to get some cash.
And while I was at the ATM,
my friends decided,
"We don't wanna do molly
we rather do K, Ketamine."
And, um...
So then, I come back
and unknowingly,
take my first dose
of Ketamine.
Do you know what an alcoholic,
narcoleptic drag queen
doesn't need to do for the first
time in a social setting?
Horse tranquilizers.
I was asleep
on the couch for six hours.
The only time I woke up
was to
apparently have an
long unintelligible conversation
with someone's cool mom,
who'd tagged along
to the party.
It was Paula Abdul.
It was...
It was!
It was Paula Abdul.
That's not a bit,
this happened.
And I didn't find out
until a couple months ago,
on my podcast.
What a revelation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, Yeah
I was completely passed out
for six hours."
And my friend
was like, "Well, you did
"have that really long
uncomfortable conversation
with Paula Abdul."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Paula Abdul was there?"
Met her in the middle
of the K.
Puked at that party, too.
I did.
But I think
that the reason why I...
You know, I didn't admit
for a long time that I had
a problem with drinking,
because I was a drag queen,
and we are all
fucking alcoholics.
It's our lot in life,
you know.
It's our Polyjuice potion.
Um...
But I have
a very specific barometer
for what makes
an alcoholic.
And I think that's why
I kept drinking the way
I did for so long, because...
Um, I was holding myself
to a very specific standard
that I don't recommend at all.
Uh, so right now
I'm gonna tell you
this story,
so that you can
learn from it.
It's the story
of Big Gay Tom.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Big Gay Tom.
Was a big,
gay party animal,
who is always on his way
to or from some rager.
He was always
on at least three substances.
And he was my hero.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One night I see
Big Gay Tom at a party.
And he goes,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You know, he had
that raspy, hoarse gay voice.
[LAUGHS]
There's like three types
of gay voice. This is like
gay pride voice,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl."
[LAUGHS]
He goes,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl...
"Look at my finger."
And sure enough, his finger
was in a bloody bandage
and a split,
and I said
"Big Gay Tom, what happened
to your finger?"
And he says,
[DEEP VOICE] "Girl.
"Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I tell you, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING] "Girl, I was
so fucking fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING]
"I was so fucking
fucked up, girl.
[SCREAMING]
"So fucking
fucked up, girl.
"Girl, I was so
fucking fucked up.
"I don't know, girl,
I was drunk and I...
"I fell on it and it exploded."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"It exploded?"
[IN BIG GAY TOM VOICE]
"Yeah, that's
what the doctor said.
"It exploded."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So, for weeks after that,
every time I saw Big Gay Tom,
I got an unsolicited update
on his finger.
Sometimes it was like,
"Jinkx girl,
look at my finger.
It's getting better, girl.
"Doctor says I can take
the bandage off soon, girl."
The next time I see him,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl...
"Look at my finger, girl,
it's all fucked up, girl."
But then it would be,
"Girl, I can move it.
I can move my finger, girl.
"We're gonna
be all right, girl."
Next time,
[DEEP VOICE]
"Girl...
"I fell
on my finger again, girl."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Until one day it was gone.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I know.
I know it's hard to believe,
but one day I ran
into Big Gay Tom,
and his finger
was just gone.
And I said,
"Tom, what happened
to your finger?"
And he said, "Girl...
[DEEP VOICE]
"that finger was more trouble
than it was worth."
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Can you imagine?
He wouldn't take enough time
off from partying
to just let his
finger heal itself.
And that's the amazing thing,
is it would have healed itself.
The body is capable
of miraculous things.
But it got in the way.
Got on the way
of him having fun,
so he just cut it out.
Just like my dad.
[LAUGHS]
Two, two.
That's not even
in the script.
It just came to me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh.
So, I had... I had
a weird barometer
for what makes an alcoholic.
I thought as long as I have
all my fingers, I'm okay.
As long as I don't elect
to remove an appendage,
I'm drinking pretty good.
And when I first quit,
I was really scared
that I was like...
You know when you get drunk
you feel like a sex goddess.
You know?
You feel so fucking sexy
when you're drunk.
You're like,
you pound a shot
and you're just like,
you're on a catwalk
for the rest of the night.
And I was so scared,
like, can I be sexy
without being wasted?
I know, it sounds like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's drunk logic.
Can I be sexy if I'm not
stumbling down the street,
slurring my words?
Because I love having sex.
I'm a slut.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I know you don't wanna think
about your mom having sex.
But I'm a vibrant,
sexually active woman.
And, um...
I've just always
been a slut.
I have.
I've always been a slut.
In college...
Hell, in high school.
In middle school,
I was...
I was just... I was
that one queer person
that all the straight guys
experimented with.
Oh, he just started
clapping right away.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know,
you know the struggles.
Is that your straight friend
right there?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my gosh,
every straight guy.
Because, you know, I was
just femme enough
to, like,
not threaten anything,
you know.
So every straight guy
who was even
barely bi-curious
would come
experiment with me.
Yeah.
I was like a semipermeable
membrane between
straight and gay.
Straight guys would come
clanging up against
this fatty bi-lipid.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Remember science?
They come slamming up
against this fatty bi-lipid.
And some of them would pass
on through to homosexuality.
Some of them it was like,
"you shall not pass!"
Too much teeth, um...
I bet you didn't know
that's how homosexuality
was transferred,
through osmosis.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I've just always been
a slut, and you know,
being an ethical slut,
being like a responsible slut,
it takes practice, you know.
Takes years
of embarrassing situations. Like...
[ALL LAUGHING]
This one summer
in college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Drag queens love
to brag about going
to college.
It's one constant
among drag queens.
I went to college... ahm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
One summer in college,
I was sleeping with this guy,
he was a chef.
He always kinda
smelled like garlic,
so keeper. You know.
And we had
a great sexual chemistry,
and so we were...
We were doing lot of fucking.
We were doing lot of banging
that summer.
And then, you know,
I don't know if you know this,
but summer eventually ends.
And so you know,
our love affair, our tryst
was coming to an end.
And it was one of the last
nights we were gonna be
able to see each other,
and roommates were out,
so I call him up and I'm like,
"Do you wanna come over
for one last...
dip in the honey pot?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
And he said, "Yeah,
I will come over,
"but I gotta be honest
with you, I've been drinking."
I didn't know why that was
like an issue,
you know, I was like,
"Whatever, call a cab."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And so, he came over,
and I... you know,
I don't know why...
I didn't know why
he had specified
that he had been drinking,
but I soon found out.
You know
what whiskey dick is?
Whiskey dick?
Lesbians?
Whiskey dick is...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is what Whiskey dick is.
When person who has a penis
has had too much whiskey,
they might find it hard,
no, it's the opposite.
They might find it difficult
to achieve and maintain
a full blown erection.
And it doesn't just happen
with whiskey.
I have seen Jager dick.
I have seen
Sauvignon Blanc dick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mike's not-so-hard lemonade,
you know.
So, the chef had
whiskey dick that night.
But it was our
last night together.
So we... we just gave it
the college try, you know.
And after hours
of just pulverizing
his penis...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We finally got his dick
just hard enough
to have sex.
Just hard enough.
Have you ever heard
the expression
"pushing rope"?
We got it just hard enough,
and it wasn't the best sex,
but it got the job done.
And then afterwards,
you know,
as we were redressing.
I was sheepishly redressing,
because I was raised Catholic.
So even though
I'm a slut, I am always like,
I feel horrible afterwards.
- It's like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's like,
I'll have the sex,
and then I'll feel horrible
for three hours afterwards.
So fun. Um...
So, I am redressing,
we're making small talk,
filling that awkward silence.
And I'm looking
around the room,
and I said, "Wait,
where is the condom?
"I've got to
throw condom away."
And he looks me in the eyes
and in menthol cool confidence,
he says,
"Oh, yeah,
I think it's
still inside you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like it was no big deal.
"I think
it's still inside you."
Like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was so scandalized.
I was shocked.
This had never
happened before.
But I wanted to save face,
so I was like... [LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Weird.
[ALL LAUGHING]
How did that happen?
I don't know
why I asked that question.
How did that happen?
I knew what happened.
His limp dick left
its trash inside of me.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
But I was trying
to play it cool,
so I said,
"How did that happen?"
And he...
Oh, my God. He said,
"I don't know,
I think your ass is too tight."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Excuse me?
Too tight?
That's the point.
That's why it feels so good
when you fuck it.
It's cause it's tight.
He tried to
blame it on me.
This floppy dick motherfucker
tried to blame it on me.
And I was
so embarrassed.
I would...
I didn't even want to go
take care of it, you know.
I refused to go
to the restroom
and take care of it.
'Cause I knew the second I did,
he'd know what
I was doing in there.
Pushing a condom
out of me.
He had robbed me
of my mystique.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I left it inside me
for 45 minutes.
While we were saying
our goodbyes.
You know, talking about
what we are gonna do
in the fall. And all the while
my brain is like,
"There's a condom
inside of you!
"It's still in there!
"What's gonna happen?
"How long can it
stay there?
"It's gonna float up
to your brain.
You're gonna have a stroke."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I decided
after that encounter,
that I would never let
someone blame me
for something
they did to me.
I feel like
that's pretty simple, right?
Don't let someone
blame you for something
they did to you.
But I am happy to report
that quitting drinking did not
kill my sex drive.
I'm still having lots of sex.
And I remember it.
[GIGGLES]
I will tell you one thing
that has definitely improved
my sex life.
Being famous, uhm...
No, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I mean...
I'm not joking, but...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, nothing improves
a drag queen's sex life
like going on
RuPaul's Drag Race.
My Grindr's always going
off the hook.
It's like... [GIBBERING]
That's what Grindr...
That's what Grindr
sounds like.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GIBBERING]
But more
importantly than that.
I have embraced
my true identity.
In the last ten years,
you know,
every year I take further steps
towards my true identity.
I identify as
a trans-femme-non-binary
human being.
And it took me years to like,
just even be able
to say that to myself.
And like, be chill with that,
you know.
'Cause I've been a drag queen
since I was like 15.
But I would take drag off,
and I would think I'd have
to put on boy drag,
'cause I had to be boy
when I'm not in drag,
you know.
I thought that only way
anyone was gonna have
anything to do with me
is if I presented as male.
And when I...
When I really started
to embrace my truth,
I realized sex is
so much better when you
get to be yourself during it.
You know...
Like when you're not...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Like when you're not
having to like make
boy noises during sex.
I get to make the noises
I naturally make now,
and I always just thought,
you know like,
because of the way
society talks to us about gender
and teaches us about gender,
you think,
"Who's gonna wanna love,
you know, that, um,
shapeless sack of pizza dough
that I described earlier?"
Turns out lots...
- Lots of people.
- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Lots.
I met my husband.
Um...
We've been married
for over year now.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
See? And, um,
he is British,
I think I mentioned that.
Um, I am basically
bilingual now. Um...
Marriage is
all about compromise.
I watched 13 Going on 30.
Watching any Jennifer Garner
movie is just, you know,
compromise on my end.
We were watching it
and he's like,
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Are you liking it more than
you thought you would?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I was like,
"I'm liking it the exact amount
I thought I would."
And he said, like,
"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't
have Babadook in it."
[ALL LAUGHING]
I just realized, um...
I told that whole story about
the condom up my butt.
Which, I am sorry
if that's not the show
you expected.
I bet you thought it was all
gonna be like, "Love yourself.
Water off a duck's back."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Judy Garland impressions.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[IMITATES JUDY GARLAND]
Thank you.
Thank you. That's marvelous.
It's absolutely wonderful.
It's so nice to
see you all here.
I'm not Dorothy anymore.
I chopped off the pigtails,
you see.
Um...
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I know you expected that
probably and then you came,
and it's like,
"Let me tell you about the time
I lost a condom up my butt."
So I realized
I told you
a whole story
about condom getting lost
up my butt, and I...
know that some
of you are visual learners.
And you're probably
like, "I don't know
how it happened."
So I prepared
a demonstration.
Now...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I used to take...
teach, like,
safe sex lessons.
Um, at the...
All Ages Queer Youth
Resources Center
of Portland Oregon.
And we used to do,
you know, like, how to
put on condom demonstration.
So, when you are showing
someone how to put on
a condom on an erect penis,
um, you can use
a banana, or a cucumber.
Um, a carrot.
But when you're doing
whiskey dick demonstration,
you take
the banana peel off first.
So for those of you
who still don't know
the mechanics
of how that condom
got lost in my butt...
Beautiful, pinch the tip.
This banana...
This banana is ready
for some safe, consensual,
responsible sex.
So, um... This...
This was his penis.
His whiskey dick.
This right here
is my pristine,
tight, tight butthole.
And this is
how it happened.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get in there.
Until finally
it just worked its way up.
And it was lost forever.
And now...
Oh, did you...
You all just watched me
do that.
You all just watched
this middle aged woman
in corset
struggle to get down...
No one offered any help.
Thanks a lot.
This is now
a souvenir for you.
You get to keep that.
Just tie it off.
Tie it off. Oh.
Here is some extra.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So, um...
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, if you take away
one lesson from tonight...
It's, um, what I said
about embracing
your true identity.
Especially when it comes
to having sex,
when finding sexual partners,
because, um,
it just makes things
so much better.
I actually wrote, um...
I didn't write it.
I don't...
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]
Who has the time?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My music partner
Major Scales...
[APPLAUDS]
You hear that, Major?
They know your name.
Um...
Major wrote this song.
But it is completely
written about experiences
that I have had in my own life.
Um, and I sing it
for you now.
So that you may
learn from it.
You're welcome.
Hit it.
["JUST ME
THE GENDER BINARY BLUES"
PLAYING]
There's so much noise
in the world today
For whatever reason
we all get to have our say
But respect
for which everybody begs
Is hard to find
with people so concerned
With what's
between our legs
Now in the past
I've caused confusion
It's true
[LAUGHS]
But what's the fun
of living life
pink or blue?
I say, just tell 'em all
to shut up
And just be you
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
La da di da da da ba da
Now when I'm at the movies
and I'm standing in line
I might hear some guy
shout out saying
"Girl, you look fine"
Well, I may think
it's rude
But that old attitude
makes me laugh
[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]
Or if I'm on the phone
and I'm talking so bold
And that operator says to me
"Ma'am, please hold"
Well, I know it's my voice
It's never been
a choice for me
I may sound like a dame
and my curves make 'em cry
But there is more man
to me than meets the eye
No, I'm not either or
What a bore, I'm just me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Now when I'm at the doctor
for little old check up
And he says
I've marked the wrong box
and I wanna yell, "Step up!"
Well, I take it in stride
It won't change
what's inside of me
- Might change the results
of that Pap smear though.
- Shut up.
Or if I'm
at airport security
And they send in
some chick
To start patting me down
until she notices my
Dic-tion and
my grammar correct
I am what I elect to be
Now you can
call me uncouth
Call me
in a pinch hitter
You can call me
miss, or mister
Just don't
call me a quitter
I've got nothing to prove
Doll or dude
I'm just me
What does it matter
if you're a girl, or a guy
What good's a label do?
Don't let them tell you
that it's do or die
I say, buck up
They're the fuck up
Don't let them put
the blame on you
Whoa, oh, oh
We're both
the beauty and the beast
We're the genie
and the lamp
We're the tramp
and we're the lady
Though I'm mainly
just the tramp
Blowing up the binary
I'm a stiletto
on a size 12 shoe
Enjoy the show
and stick around, or screw
Yeah, there's nothing
they can do
Darling, it's true
'cause I'm just
Me
[APPLAUDING]
Me
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you so much.
You've been
a wonderful crowd.
Thank you, all.
Thank you,
thank you.
Thank you.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Saint Syndrome,
my pianist for the evening.
Thank you all so much,
and um...
I just want to remind you,
sex is so much better
when you get to be yourself
during it.
Don't let anyone
slut shame you.
If they do,
they are probably
just religious and...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And all religions
are cults.
Goodnight, everybody!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]