Jitterbugs (1943) Movie Script
- Well, we're out of gas.
- Well, that's all right.
We still have our gas-rationing card.
Gas-rationing card. Why, a C card
wouldn't help us here. Oh, you...
You don't have to lose your temper.
I'm sorry, l...
You're sorry. You were sorry
about that redhead in the auto court.
You were sorry about that waitress
in the barbecue stand.
I suppose you're sorry...
about talking me into taking
this road instead of the main road.
Well, l'm sorry that l'm sorry.
But if you're sorry,
you can't help being sorry...
- Oh, get out of here.
- Maybe someday you'll be sorry.
A thousand miles from nowhere.
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
And don't say you're sorry.
Worried, aren't you?
Are you?
Well, it must be 1 1 5 in the shade.
How about a drink of water?
That's a good idea.
L'll go right now and get it.
- Hey, Ollie.
- What?
I can see the back end of a truck.
That's no truck. That's me.
- The back end of a truck.
- L'm sorry, l...
- Ollie.
- What?
- L see a gas station.
- Where?
Right in here, see?
Look, it's right in there, see it?
Give me that.
Stanley, we're saved.
But how are we gonna get
this thing over there?
That's simple. One of us will push
and the other will steer.
I never thought of that. Well...
- Hey.
- What?
- Not too fast.
- L won't.
When you start pushing,
don't push over 35 miles an hour.
All right, let's go.
Hey, Ollie.
- What?
- Do you mind if l stop a minute?
All right.
- Okay, Ollie, l'm ready.
- Well, it's about time.
What would you have done...
if l hadn't had presence of mind
to have you push me?
I haven't the slightest idea.
I guess the only thing l could have done
if l'd gone to the gas station...
Who's pushing this thing?
I forgot to tell you.
See, l borrowed a mule down the road.
Remember when we stopped?
Well, l guess a mule's
as good as a donkey any day.
It certainly is. You're absolutely...
What do you mean, as good as a...?
Get out and find the attendant.
- L'm sorry, Ollie.
- Sorry for what?
Closed for the duration.
Now what are we going to do?
Hey, there's a car coming.
Let's flag him down.
Yeah, maybe
we can borrow some gas.
Look, here's a...
Here's a truck coming.
It's no use,
they won't stop for us in this desert.
Say, why don't you lie down
and pretend you've fainted.
Then he's bound to stop. He wouldn't
let anybody faint on the desert.
- At last you're using your brain.
- Hurry up and faint, he's getting closer.
- All right.
- Here.
Mister, could you spare us
a gallon of gas?
A gallon? What are you trying to do,
wean this thing?
You see, we made a slight miscalculation
in regards to our supply.
- Yeah, he means we ran out of gas.
- Yes.
Well, gentlemen,
the right man just came along.
Chester Wright,
inventor of the Little Wonder Gas Pill.
The answer to the rationing problem.
This is the 1 0-gallon size.
This is the five-gallon size.
And this, gentlemen, is a gallon
can of water. Sample it, if you please.
I'm sorry.
It's water, all right.
You're gonna see a demonstration
of the eighth wonder of the world.
I'm gonna take some pellets, place
them in the can of water you sampled.
- Open your gas tank.
- Oh, yes, sure.
Oh, l'm sorry.
Gasoline.
Just pour it into your tank, gentlemen.
Now, step on the starter.
Mister, you have saved us
from an untimely end.
Yes, sir, we might have died.
- How much do we owe you?
- Forget it, my friends.
- Just regard it as a courtesy of the road.
- Thank you very much.
"Laurel and Hardy,
the original zoot suit band."
We're one of the wonders
of the age ourselves.
The only two-man band in the world.
Equal to Glenn Miller,
Harry James and Spike Jones.
Well, we might get together.
I was on my way to Washington
to hand these over to the government...
but we might pick up
a few bucks on the way.
- You mean, make some money?
- Sure.
- We could make a lot of dough together.
- How?
There's a carnival opening up tomorrow
in Midvale, a few miles from here.
We can get a location and with your
band to attract the crowd we can trim...
I mean, we can sell every sucker...
I mean, every person in town.
What do you say, fellows,
fifty-fifty?
Well, we could use some money.
Okay, fellows, see you in Midvale.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- All of our troubles are over, Stanley.
- Yes, sir.
And we won't need this ration book
anymore, will we?
- Not as long as there's water.
- That's just what l thought.
Well, the quicker we get to town...
Over here, over here, over here, folks,
we have a free attraction.
Step right in closely, please. We have
here La Belle Fatima and her dancing...
The only explanation we have
of this remarkable phenomenon...
the bearded lady, folks. This...
Come on, hepcats,
we're gonna spread a load of jam.
Not bad, are they?
No. That trumpet reminds me
of some Harry James records...
our store got in this morning.
- You're in the music business?
- Sort of. l sing in the choir too.
- What's holding us back, sister?
- All reet, Jackson.
Well, all reet.
Well, folks,
that was out of this world.
And now we have a message for you.
We bring to you,
good people of Midvale...
the greatest invention
of the 20th century.
What is the most important
question today?
Transportation.
Which brings us to the question
of gas rationing.
Out of the laboratories
has come a miracle...
the Little Wonder Gas Pill.
You simply drop one of these pills
into a gallon of water...
and you have a gallon of gas,
not ordinary gas...
but gas of the highest quality.
Now, this is the five-gallon size
and this is the 1 0-gallon size.
I could sell it to you
for a dollar a gallon, but no.
The 1 0-gallon size sells for $2.
The five-gallon size sells for $ 1.
Who wants one?
L'll take the large size.
L'll take 1 0 gallons.
- Yes, sir.
- Give me 1 0.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How do we know
that stuff's on the level?
I perceive that you have a water bag
on your shoulder.
- Ls there water in it?
- Yes, full of it.
Put this in it. l dare you.
It smells like gasoline.
What more do you want, folks?
The five-gallon or the 1 0-gallon size?
Who wants one?
- That's enough for me, give me 1 0.
- There you are.
- Give me 1 0 gallons.
- Give me five gallons.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
All right, folks, don't fight.
Here's another fin, buddy.
Here's your pill.
- Never mind that.
- All right, l'll take five gallons more.
- Right over here, sir.
- Hold it, hold it, folks. Hold everything.
Don't hand over any more of your
hard-earned money to these crooks.
- This is a fake.
- Are you insinuating...
we are hoodwinking the public?
I dropped one of these Little Wonder
Gas Pills into a bucket of water...
poured it into the tank of the car
and now... And now look at me!
Hey, give us back our money!
Inspector McNeil
of the State Bunco Squad.
L've been trailing these two
for five days.
Jail's too good for these robbers.
We ought to take care of them.
- You're right.
- They can't take me.
- We want our dough.
- Come on.
Folks, don't let your tempers boil over.
These men will be dealt with by the law.
My purse.
My purse.
Well, what l can't understand is why did
you pretend to be a county detective...
unless the gas pills
didn't have the desired effect?
What do you suppose
is running this car at the present time?
- He's right, Ollie, we're going okay.
- Well, what happened to the man's car?
He got mixed up in the directions or
there was something wrong with his car.
- How much we take in?
- Two hundred and twenty-three dollars.
- L'll take my half now.
- All right.
There you are.
Hey, wait a minute, fellows.
What?
Didn't l split the money fifty-fifty?
That's not it. We gotta go back.
- Go back! Why?
- This purse belongs to a girl in Midvale.
- L was holding it for her.
- Lf anyone sees us...
they'll throw us all into the jug...
and they'll find out
that you're really not an officer.
- How am l gonna get this back to her?
- L'll take it.
How did you get here?
I got into the back of the trailer
when you were leaving.
The question now is,
how do l get back to Midvale?
Oh, l got an idea.
You two drive to the place
where l parked my station wagon.
We'll ride back in the trailer.
Come on, baby. l'll explain everything
to you in words of one syllable.
No wonder
he wanted to go back to Midvale.
- Why?
- Well, because the girl lives there and...
Never mind why!
Look, you're doing 70 miles an hour.
I'm not doing 70 miles an hour.
I'm not even doing 50 miles an hour.
In fact, l'm not even doing
35 miles an hour.
- Well, it says there 70.
- That speedometer's stuck.
Oh, l'm sorry. l didn't know.
Why don't you look
where you're going.
- L'll get it.
- Thank you.
- Hey, what's this?
- Lt's a picture taken...
when Mother put through
a real-estate deal on our property.
- Your folks got money?
- L've a rich aunt in Boston.
She bought the property for Mother.
What kind of a deal was this?
Mother puts in her property
in $ 1 0,000...
and the eastern financiers
put in 1 5,000.
L've seen one of those faces.
Around a racetrack.
Louisville, a horseplayer
named "One Horse" Bates.
You might let me in on this.
Honey, l'm afraid
your poor old gray-haired mother...
has been sadly gypped.
There's my car, baby, hop in.
I gotta go up and see the Rover boys.
Boys, l gotta drive this girl
back to Midvale.
- Back to Midvale?
- Lsn't there any other way?
There's more. From what she tells me,
her mother was gypped out of $ 1 0,000.
- That's a lot of dough.
- Yeah, a lot of money too.
It's worth going after.
Now, l have a hunch who the gang is.
- L'm gonna try and get it back.
- You're a swell guy...
- to try and get that money back.
- Yes, anything we can do to help...
l knew l could count on you.
Stay on this route
and l'll catch you before long.
- Righto.
- Okey-dokey.
Stanley, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Well, it saves a lot of time.
Mr. Cass,
this gentleman seems to think...
that Mother has been swindled
in the land deal.
This is Mr...
- l don't even know your name.
- We never got around to that.
- Wright. Chester Wright.
- L'm very glad to meet you, sir.
Though l'm quite certain that you're
mistaken. The money is in my safe.
Yeah? Ten will get you 20 that it isn't.
And a Wright is never wrong.
Mr. Wright, l hope you're wrong.
There, you see, and the signatures.
Just as l put it into my safe, Mr. Wright.
Oh, sure, sure.
Now, who's gonna open it?
Why, l think Miss Cowan
should open it...
since she will someday
be the owner of the property.
Why, l don't understand it.
I put that money in the envelope
and sealed it.
It was never out of my sight
until l put it into the safe.
He's even used a copy
of the Daily Planet.
He never dropped it on the floor?
Yes, now that l think of it,
but he initialed it...
before he dropped it.
And the initials were still there.
Why, of course.
That's known as the old convincer.
The phony envelope was initialed
before he came in.
I'm going down
to tell the chief of police.
L'd like to break their necks.
I only hope
the police catch up with them.
What good would that do?
Even if the police arrested them...
they'd only spend the money
on lawyers to defend them.
Then if you win, you lose.
Maybe, but l've been thinking.
I'm going after that money.
What do you mean?
Well...
money lost through larceny
can often be recovered the same way.
Remember l told you l recognized
one of those faces, a horseplayer?
Well, what track opens next week?
New Orleans.
- And that's where l'm heading.
- Fine, l'll go along with you.
You know, if we hadn't
have run out of gas on the desert...
Chester would have
never gone to Midvale...
and he would never have met her.
And now he's going to recover
her money.
To her, he's a real hepcat.
Right in the groove.
And they'll fall in love...
get married.
And live in a cottage
bowered with roses.
A country estate.
You know, we could work for them...
and we could live in peace
and contentment.
You paint a pretty picture, Stanley.
They could name
their first baby Stanley.
What's the matter with Oliver?
Stanley's a nice name.
Oliver.
Well, they could have twins.
We'll suggest that to them.
- What's my point, baby?
- Six.
You know you always
shoot sixes, Corky.
My name is Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Leaping Frog, Amarillo County, Texas.
How do you do, colonel? We've assigned
the governor's suite to your party.
- L hope you'll like it.
- You all are most kind, sir.
Okay, there's your 2 bits.
If l keep on playing this game,
you'll be wearing mink.
This is my secretary,
Mr. Chester Wright...
and this is my butler, valet
and general factotum, Potts.
Carry those bags upstairs,
and don't take no for an answer.
Yes, sir.
I have some valuables
l'd like to entrust to your care, sir.
This one contains $20,000
in currency.
And this, some very valuable
contracts and documents.
They'll be perfectly safe, l assure you.
Just a moment, l'll give you a receipt.
My, what a pretty little girl.
How do you do, miss? Let me see.
I don't remember your name,
but l know we've met.
There goes the colonel again.
And he's got the most jealous wife
in the whole state of Texas.
That's Corcoran,
one of the men at the desk.
Yeah, l recognized him
from his picture.
Okay, you two, break it up.
Susan, we'll see you later upstairs.
Goodbye, miss.
You all here for the races, gentlemen?
I'm sorry, sir,
but business prevents that pleasure.
After you, sir.
Corcoran, you might
at least have knocked.
Dorcas, ready money
just walked in the hotel.
- Kale, mazuma, moola?
- The old lettuce and plenty of it.
A Texas Casanova by the name
of Col. Watterson Bixby...
- and a sucker for dames.
- That's nothing, so are you.
Dorcas, this is business. Listen.
We've been in this joint
for five minutes...
and we already contacted
the interested parties.
- And are they interested.
- But haven't you...?
We spent a lot of money
to put over this deal.
Say, $ 1 0,000 is a lot of hay.
It's a lot of money too.
He's got the suite down the hall.
Get him in here...
and l'll watch
for your drink order at the bar.
Then l'll walk in
at the right time. Get it?
And don't forget
to use your Southern accent.
- Does y'all mean like this, honey?
- Fine, that's it.
L'll be right back.
Oh, y'all, please don't leave me,
please don't leave me.
Oh, please.
Oh, my hero.
I declare, l'd have collapsed in the hall
if it hadn't been for you...
and someone else
might have come along...
someone not so strong,
so gallant.
Come sit here beside me.
Why?
- Why, l still feel a little faint.
- L'll go get a doctor if you like.
Oh, let us have some drinks.
- Shall l order a couple of Sazeracs?
- L'm sorry, lady, but l don't drink.
You don't drink?
I mean, you all don't drink?
Oh, would you mind if l had
a little snifter? l mean a little sip?
Certainly not.
Would you mind pouring it for me?
See, l've sweetened it.
One little sip?
Just for poor little me?
Just one little sip, but just one.
You know, that's a bit of all right.
I declare, for a Texan, you all have
a mighty funny dialect, colonel.
- Colonel?
- Aren't you Col. Watterson Bixby?
- No, l'm his valet.
- What?
- Yeah, my name is Potts.
- Potts!
Yeah, P-O "otts," Potts.
- Come in.
- Oh, no, that's my husband.
Hide, quick!
Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas, my fair lady.
As your neighbor down the hall,
l've come to present my regards...
and convey my felicitations.
Colonel Watterson Bixby.
I'm almighty proud to meet you all.
- Come right in.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- My name is Mary Lou, colonel.
- What a pretty name.
- Can l call you Mary?
- Please do.
And you just call me Watty.
Watty. How about a drink?
Shall l order a couple of Sazeracs?
A couple? Why, madam, that's just
a three-furlong dash to a 4-year-old.
Order a dozen.
And it shall be
Colonel Watterson Bixby's pleasure...
my little magnolia blossom.
A dozen Sazeracs for 807, please.
Mary, is that hard liquor
l see on yonder table?
But that is brandy, colonel,
and l've ordered absinthe.
The perfect chaser.
Permit me.
To the fairest flower in the garden
of Southern womanhood.
- Sit down, colonel.
- Thank you.
L've heard no woman
can resist you, Watty.
Mary, you gonna have
a lot of fun proving it.
- You mind if l smoke?
- Not at all.
Thank you.
- Cigarette?
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Light?
- Thank you.
- Things are moving?
- Yeah.
Oliver has just walked
into the spider's web.
I found the third member
of the party.
He's running a showboat nightclub.
That's fine.
That's where you come in.
- What do you mean?
- L've sort of been worrying...
for fear you'd be in the way.
If we got in a jam, that is.
- L'll stick with you boys.
- Don't you see?
Nightclub, singing, that's your racket.
You get a job, pave the way...
we'll move in
and clean out the whole gang.
You mean you want me to walk out
before l get the money?
Does that mean you...?
You still don't trust me?
No.
Because if you don't, well...
we might as well
call the whole thing off.
Don't be silly.
I trust you, Chester.
Don't think l'm not grateful.
L'll do as you say.
- Sit down, Mary Lou.
- Thank you.
- Delicious.
- Nectar.
Mary Lou, absinthe makes
the heart grow fonder.
Hold your breath
and take nine sips of water.
Thank you, colonel.
Watty, you have lovely hands.
Thank you, Mary.
Impulsive little creature,
aren't you, darling?
Shall...? Shall we all have
some music now?
I don't mind if l do.
Colonel, y'all dance divinely.
It must be the gypsy in me.
Kiss me, my little dove.
So!
I find you, my wife,
in the arms of another man.
- Lionel, l can explain everything.
- You can explain...
- But, sir, you don't understand...
- L understand everything, sir.
I should kill you both,
perhaps l will.
- Oh, it was nothing.
- Nothing?
You call it nothing when l find this
Casanova making violent love to you?
Why, l'll...
And now, Colonel Watterson Bixby,
l'll deal with you.
L'll go to name you co-respondent
in my divorce case against my wife.
No, no.
Think of my position in society.
- L'm in no mood for trifling.
- Can't this little matter be adjusted?
Sir, you dare to offer me money?
Well, just between
two Southern gentlemen.
Money for my wife? For my honor?
- For my love?
- For my children.
Your poor little innocent babes.
Why should the sins of the father
be visited upon the children?
- How much?
- Ten thousand dollars, sir.
Ten thousand dollars?
Ten years in jail is more like it,
my fine-feathered friend.
Who are you?
Sheriff Jonathan Bates
of Midvale County.
L've got a warrant for your arrest
for swindling Mrs. Audrey Cowan...
out of $ 1 0,000.
- You can't get away with this.
- Oh, no?
Deputy.
Yes, sheriff?
- Got the extradition papers?
- Everything signed by the governor.
- Put the handcuffs on him.
- Wait a minute, this can be fixed.
Are you trying to bribe
an officer of the law?
I wouldn't think of that.
You've gotta realize this is
a business deal that went wrong.
L'll refund the money,
save further trouble and expense.
L'll turn my share of the money over,
and you can give it back to Mrs. Cowan.
Well, the main thing
is to get the money back.
Hand it over.
Here's 5000.
That was my split.
- What happened to the other $5000?
- My partner, Bennett, has it.
Your partner tipped us off
you had all the dough.
So that's where the squawk
comes from.
Your partner, Bennett.
Bennett.
Put them up!
You two cheap grifters thought
you could put something over.
I got a notion to drill you.
Hand back that dough, smart guys.
Hand it over.
We were only fooling.
Get the handcuffs!
Give me the handcuffs!
Here you are. Come on.
- Hey, put him in the closet.
- All right.
Oh, no, you don't, Mary Lou.
Come on, hurry, hurry. We gotta
get out of this joint fast.
Well, what do you say, Tony?
No, this is not my racket.
Of this l know from nothing.
L'll give you a half-interest. All l need
is 5 grand to open the show.
Five grand's a lot of money.
Sometimes it takes me
a whole week to make 5 grand.
Isn't he going to help you,
Mr. Bennett?
No dice. l had plans, Susan.
I was gonna make a big star out of you.
I knew you had the stuff
the first time l saw you.
Would Tony Queen put up the money
if he thought he had a sure thing?
If Tony thought he had a cinch,
he'd kick in with plenty.
- Wish l could help you.
- Thanks anyway.
You don't happen to have
any money in your family?
I have an aunt in Boston
who has quite a lot, but that's Boston.
It doesn't do us much good when l'd
figured l'd open in a couple of nights.
Never mind any more rehearsals
for the present, honey.
I'm out.
Well, boys, this has gone far enough.
L'll just call that $2 bet.
- What have you got?
- Two pair.
- Why, you dummy, you've got four aces.
- Just a minute, boys.
Straight flush.
What's the good news, Susan?
Bennett had Tony Queen
down this morning...
trying to get him to put some money
in the show, but nothing doing.
- He wouldn't go for it, huh?
- No.
Bennett said he could get all the money
in the world from him for a sure thing...
but this is evidently
a little too legitimate.
- He even tried to promote me.
- What'd you say to that?
I told him the only one in my family
with money was an aunt in Boston.
Did you say you have
a rich aunt in Boston?
Why, yes.
Honey, your rich aunt from Boston
arrived in town this morning.
Gee, that's swell.
She came here to visit
her childhood sweetheart...
Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas.
But where is she?
We could go and get her.
- Then we'd clean up the gang...
- She's right here.
Where?
Not me.
I'm not gonna be a dame.
Turn around.
- How do l look?
- Absolutely perfect.
- Let's go and show Chester.
- Wait just a minute.
Let me see you walk.
- All right?
- Not like that.
Like this.
- Simple.
- Show me that again.
Now let's see you do it.
Auntie! You look great. Don't forget,
your name is Emily Cartwright.
- Emily Cartwright.
- Lt's late. We gotta hurry.
Come on, Emmie.
- Not you, it's me. l...
- Go on.
- Charming and clever, isn't she?
- L agree.
That's the only reason l'm considering
selling you a piece of the show.
I want her to have
the best possible production.
Of course, you know,
l wouldn't consider this investment...
if it wasn't for Susan's future...
- would l, Watty?
- No.
She is charming and clever,
Miss Emily.
I hope you don't mind me
calling you Miss Emily.
Oh, no, not at all.
You know, l just love the way
you show people carry on.
For $5000,
l'll give you 49 percent of the show.
What do you think, Chester?
Well, it... lt sounds like
a sound business venture to me.
That's splendid.
When shall we draw up the papers?
- L suggest that...
- Now, now, sugar pie...
l wouldn't be too hasty.
This theater business is very risky.
I remember when l was young,
l was hooked...
L... l mean, l invested $50,000
in a musical show.
That, of course, my dear,
was before l met you.
Well, remember, turtledove,
it's for Susan...
and l want her
to have every opportunity.
I know, lambie pie,
but Mr. Roger Billingham...
the biggest theatrical producer in
New York is a personal friend of mine...
and l'm sure
that l could interest him in Susan.
- Well, you know best.
- Pardon me, Miss Emily.
L'd like to talk to the colonel
privately.
Colonel, there are a few things
l must explain to you.
- Pardon me.
- Be firm, Watty.
Look, colonel, l don't want anything
to go wrong with this deal.
This also means quite a lot to me.
I have to protect my money.
L... l mean, my future wife's money.
Oh, l get it. Yeah, l fully understand.
How about a hundred bucks?
Well, Colonel Bixby
has changed his mind.
He now feels
the proposition is excellent.
Good. Chester,
you take care of the details.
Just a minute.
I just happened to think...
that Emily won't have full control
of the show, only 49 percent.
Thank you, Watty,
l didn't even think of that.
Just a detail. Just a detail.
I'm afraid the colonel
didn't quite understand my explanation.
Pardon me again.
This is the end of the roll, colonel.
Three dollars and 1 5 cents.
That's all l got.
Well, that's different, Mr. Bennett.
I didn't just see it that way at first.
One, two, three.
- Do you smoke?
- Yeah.
Get yourself a package of cigarettes.
Well, Miss Emily, 50 percent it is,
but the colonel drives a hard bargain.
Oh, don't mind the colonel,
he'll grow on you.
He won't grow on me.
You know, Watty, l sometimes think
you're only marrying me for my money.
Now, here's the proposition.
You put up $5000 and l put up 5000...
then we put the entire amount
in an envelope...
and you may keep that envelope
in your possession...
until all the papers are drawn up.
Is that clear?
May l think this over?
What do you think, Chester?
As long as the money remains in your
possession, l can find no objections.
- Very well, it's settled.
- That's splendid.
You know, that's the way
we Cartwrights do things.
You be at my hotel in the morning
with the money and necessary papers.
- L'll be there.
- Mr. Bennett.
- Goodbye, Miss Emily.
- Goodbye.
- Come, Watty.
- Yes.
But l only want the dough for a flash.
It won't be out of your hands
two minutes.
- What about the show?
- L'm gonna forget it.
It's nothing but a headache.
- What do l get out of the deal?
- This is getaway money.
I'm willing to give you $ 1 000
for the loan of 5 grand for 1 0 minutes.
Fifty-fifty.
- All right.
- You think the old gal...
- will fall for the envelope switch?
- Of course.
How do you suppose
l got the five in the first place?
L'd hate to tell you, brother.
- You know, Ollie, l was just thinking.
- What about?
Nothing. l was just thinking.
- Everything set on the envelope switch?
- Oh, sure.
We'll make the switch first
and beat them to it.
- You haven't got a thing to worry about.
- No.
After you've made the switch, slip me
the envelope with the money in it...
tell me to go down,
put it in the hotel safe. And l go.
- What's gonna happen to us?
- You make some excuse to leave...
and hurry down to the railway station.
L'll be waiting.
- What about Susan?
- She'll be there to meet us.
I gotta go pay the hotel bill
and get our baggage out.
- You better get set, they'll be here soon.
- Right away.
And, boys, be careful.
We're dealing with one
of the toughest mobs in the country.
I'm doing my best with him, Chester.
One false move and we'll all wind up
on the bottom of the Mississippi.
Wrapped in concrete.
Wrapped in concrete.
Are you sure you've got that envelope
routine straight in your mind?
- Certainly. l've more than got it.
- Let's see it.
Now, l've got two envelopes.
This one contains torn strips
of newspaper.
- Right?
- And this one contains $ 1 0,000.
Now, Bennett gives me the $ 1 0,000.
- Then l give it back to him. You see, l...
- L knew it, l knew it. Give...
Now, this envelope
contains torn strips of newspaper.
Put that in your pocket.
Now, l'm Bennett and you're Stanley.
Now, this envelope contains $ 1 0,000.
Put that in your pocket.
How can you give me the envelope back
when l ask for it...
if you've got it in the other pocket?
But you didn't ask me
for the other envelope.
Give me the envelopes. Here.
Now, you're me and l'm you.
How can you be me
when you're Bennett?
- You just told me you were...
- You're Bennett and l'm Stanley.
- Where's Ollie?
- He's standing over there...
somewhere, anywhere.
- L don't get it. l just...
- Sit down.
Sit down. We're practically
wrapped in concrete now.
- At the bottom of the Mississippi?
- Yes, the bottom of the Mi...
Never mind the Mississippi.
- Where's 41 0?
- Right over there, sir.
Thank you.
There they are now.
- Are you sure you've got the money?
- Yeah. Right here.
Now, don't forget to be dignified.
That's fine.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, colonel.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
We're ready, willing
and able to do business.
This is Mr. Queen,
an associate of mine.
Mr. O'Grady and Mr. Taylor,
who are also interested.
Charmed, l'm sure.
Oh, pardon me.
My adviser, Colonel Bixby.
- L call him Bixie for short.
- How do you do?
I brought along the currency
in $ 1 000 notes, five of them.
- Yes, yes, of course. Five more.
- Thank you.
Now, we'll put them in the envelope...
as per the agreement.
There you are. You hold on to it until
the details are completed, Miss Emily.
Thank you.
- Hello, Mr. Wright.
- Mr. Bennett.
My secretary, Mr. Wright.
- Mr. Queen.
- Mr. Queen.
- How are you?
- That completes everything.
- Good morning.
- Goodbye.
Oh, by the way,
for our mutual protection...
don't you think we better put a mark
of identification on that envelope?
Oh, l don't think it's necessary,
really.
Just a matter of business.
Well, maybe you're right, eh, Bixie?
I think so.
Thank you.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Well, that makes the deal
as solid as concrete.
Maybe, colonel,
you'd better keep this...
Well, how about celebrating?
Let's have a snort of bourbon.
Emmie means a little libation.
I think l have a bottle
in the next room.
If you'll give me the envelope, l'll take
it down and put it in the hotel safe.
That's a good idea. Thank you.
Good day, gentlemen.
How about the bourbon, Bixie?
L'll go right in and get it, Emmie dear.
Pardon me, boys.
You know, gentlemen,
l'm one of those nip-and-tuck drinkers.
What's that, Miss Emily?
One nip and they tuck me away
for the night.
I feel so gay.
- Did you ever hear the one about...?
- Emmie, l can't find the bottle.
- Where did you put it?
- Excuse me. l'll be right back.
If l hadn't have seen it,
l wouldn't have believed it.
- L told you it would be a cinch.
- Hey, Jimmy, watch that door.
- What are you trying to do, cross me?
- Cross you?
- L've been slipped the business myself.
- Catch that dame.
- She's ducked. They've beat it.
- Let's get out of here.
- Come on, sister, where's that dough?
- L haven't got it, really.
- That secretary's got it.
- Yes, he took it to the office.
If you're on this frame,
it'll be a case of murder.
I'm not that dumb. We were taken.
This pair's crooked. Where's Wright?
That money belongs to Miss Cowan.
You know very well you stole it
from her mother.
Why, you.
We were only trying
to get it back for her.
Oh, l wish you weren't a dame.
Wright's on the way to the showboat to
pick her up. That's our next stop, boys.
I don't know who crossed who.
I'm out 5 grand, and somebody's
gonna pay it back to me or else.
I was on the level. l wanted the dough
for the old convincer.
I was gonna turn it back.
- You were played for a chump.
- Here she is, Tony.
Oh, so this the little gal who dug up
the pretty trap you walked into.
- Smart.
- Where's Wright?
Come on, tell us.
- L don't know where he is.
- Where did you see him last?
The other day
when he was here with you.
- Don't they know?
- He's disappeared.
I'm afraid he's hoodwinked all of us.
We've been left holding the bag.
You framed all this.
You know where he is. Tell us.
- Lay off for a minute, Bennett.
- Chester was just fooling us all the time?
That he never intended
to pay me back the money?
I'm afraid he's made fools of all of us.
Yeah, you and the two dames
were stooges for a smart operator.
And you fell for his gag like a
cornhusker from the wide-open spaces.
Hey, wait a minute. l got an idea.
L'll take this joint over, open,
like you planned.
Later, l'll bring in the birdcage,
roulette wheels, dice tables.
I can clean up. You're gonna stay
because l need you in the show...
and l like you. l got an idea
we're gonna be good friends yet.
You stick here and watch her
and Bennett.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
You do a swell act,
but l want to look over your lines.
Maybe you and Wright
are planning to split fifty-fifty.
- Just a minute...
- Take these two...
to the boiler room
until l decide what to do with them.
You're gonna get a nasty letter from
our lawyer for that Halloween crack.
Get out.
- My goodness, it's chilly in here.
- Here, put this around you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Mike.
Go tell Joe to put
some more fire in the boilers.
We'll have the customers
sitting on their hands in a minute.
Hey, Joe. Boss says to fire up. People
are freezing their ears off upstairs.
Yeah? That's where you come in, buddy.
Make with the shovel.
- Me?
- Yeah, you, and no beefs about it.
Well, what about...?
So you're one of those guys that
have no respect for the opposite sex.
Make with the shovel. Come on.
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
I'm sorry, l...
Now, smart guy, shovel every lump
of that coal into that boiler.
Would you mind
handing me my shovel?
- Get out.
- Now, don't. No, don't...
What's that?
- These are gas pills.
- That's exactly what l need.
I got indigestion.
- But these are different...
- Shut up.
Get shoveling.
- Will you get me a glass of water, babe?
- Yes.
- Please don't take that.
- Oh, sit down, sweetie pie.
L've had indigestion before.
This is sure gonna save my life.
Why, that's fine.
What kind of pills are those anyhow?
We tried to tell you
they were gas pills.
Oh, take me down out of here.
Get me out of here!
- Nice going, sister.
- Lt's not my sister, my mother.
Come, Mother dear.
You know, there's no reason
why we shouldn't be friends...
good friends, kid.
String along with me,
you'll be sitting on top of the world.
We ought to celebrate at that.
We'll drink to each other.
I thought you'd begin
to see things my way.
Here's to you, babe.
Good, eh?
Call a doctor.
Keep your eyes open.
The boat's loose.
The old Fremont.
She's loose on the river.
Send out the riverboat.
Watch where you're going.
All right, everybody go below.
Everybody go below. Come on.
I was going to the pier when
l heard the boat broke loose.
I hopped on the police boat and...
- Well, baby, what's the matter?
- What did you do with the money?
I wired the money to your mother
this morning. Look, there's the receipt.
Oh, Chester, l'm sorry.
Chester. Why...
Come on, baby, let's go.
Well, we're going down
for the third time.
I'm sorry.
[ENGLlSH]
- Well, that's all right.
We still have our gas-rationing card.
Gas-rationing card. Why, a C card
wouldn't help us here. Oh, you...
You don't have to lose your temper.
I'm sorry, l...
You're sorry. You were sorry
about that redhead in the auto court.
You were sorry about that waitress
in the barbecue stand.
I suppose you're sorry...
about talking me into taking
this road instead of the main road.
Well, l'm sorry that l'm sorry.
But if you're sorry,
you can't help being sorry...
- Oh, get out of here.
- Maybe someday you'll be sorry.
A thousand miles from nowhere.
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
And don't say you're sorry.
Worried, aren't you?
Are you?
Well, it must be 1 1 5 in the shade.
How about a drink of water?
That's a good idea.
L'll go right now and get it.
- Hey, Ollie.
- What?
I can see the back end of a truck.
That's no truck. That's me.
- The back end of a truck.
- L'm sorry, l...
- Ollie.
- What?
- L see a gas station.
- Where?
Right in here, see?
Look, it's right in there, see it?
Give me that.
Stanley, we're saved.
But how are we gonna get
this thing over there?
That's simple. One of us will push
and the other will steer.
I never thought of that. Well...
- Hey.
- What?
- Not too fast.
- L won't.
When you start pushing,
don't push over 35 miles an hour.
All right, let's go.
Hey, Ollie.
- What?
- Do you mind if l stop a minute?
All right.
- Okay, Ollie, l'm ready.
- Well, it's about time.
What would you have done...
if l hadn't had presence of mind
to have you push me?
I haven't the slightest idea.
I guess the only thing l could have done
if l'd gone to the gas station...
Who's pushing this thing?
I forgot to tell you.
See, l borrowed a mule down the road.
Remember when we stopped?
Well, l guess a mule's
as good as a donkey any day.
It certainly is. You're absolutely...
What do you mean, as good as a...?
Get out and find the attendant.
- L'm sorry, Ollie.
- Sorry for what?
Closed for the duration.
Now what are we going to do?
Hey, there's a car coming.
Let's flag him down.
Yeah, maybe
we can borrow some gas.
Look, here's a...
Here's a truck coming.
It's no use,
they won't stop for us in this desert.
Say, why don't you lie down
and pretend you've fainted.
Then he's bound to stop. He wouldn't
let anybody faint on the desert.
- At last you're using your brain.
- Hurry up and faint, he's getting closer.
- All right.
- Here.
Mister, could you spare us
a gallon of gas?
A gallon? What are you trying to do,
wean this thing?
You see, we made a slight miscalculation
in regards to our supply.
- Yeah, he means we ran out of gas.
- Yes.
Well, gentlemen,
the right man just came along.
Chester Wright,
inventor of the Little Wonder Gas Pill.
The answer to the rationing problem.
This is the 1 0-gallon size.
This is the five-gallon size.
And this, gentlemen, is a gallon
can of water. Sample it, if you please.
I'm sorry.
It's water, all right.
You're gonna see a demonstration
of the eighth wonder of the world.
I'm gonna take some pellets, place
them in the can of water you sampled.
- Open your gas tank.
- Oh, yes, sure.
Oh, l'm sorry.
Gasoline.
Just pour it into your tank, gentlemen.
Now, step on the starter.
Mister, you have saved us
from an untimely end.
Yes, sir, we might have died.
- How much do we owe you?
- Forget it, my friends.
- Just regard it as a courtesy of the road.
- Thank you very much.
"Laurel and Hardy,
the original zoot suit band."
We're one of the wonders
of the age ourselves.
The only two-man band in the world.
Equal to Glenn Miller,
Harry James and Spike Jones.
Well, we might get together.
I was on my way to Washington
to hand these over to the government...
but we might pick up
a few bucks on the way.
- You mean, make some money?
- Sure.
- We could make a lot of dough together.
- How?
There's a carnival opening up tomorrow
in Midvale, a few miles from here.
We can get a location and with your
band to attract the crowd we can trim...
I mean, we can sell every sucker...
I mean, every person in town.
What do you say, fellows,
fifty-fifty?
Well, we could use some money.
Okay, fellows, see you in Midvale.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- All of our troubles are over, Stanley.
- Yes, sir.
And we won't need this ration book
anymore, will we?
- Not as long as there's water.
- That's just what l thought.
Well, the quicker we get to town...
Over here, over here, over here, folks,
we have a free attraction.
Step right in closely, please. We have
here La Belle Fatima and her dancing...
The only explanation we have
of this remarkable phenomenon...
the bearded lady, folks. This...
Come on, hepcats,
we're gonna spread a load of jam.
Not bad, are they?
No. That trumpet reminds me
of some Harry James records...
our store got in this morning.
- You're in the music business?
- Sort of. l sing in the choir too.
- What's holding us back, sister?
- All reet, Jackson.
Well, all reet.
Well, folks,
that was out of this world.
And now we have a message for you.
We bring to you,
good people of Midvale...
the greatest invention
of the 20th century.
What is the most important
question today?
Transportation.
Which brings us to the question
of gas rationing.
Out of the laboratories
has come a miracle...
the Little Wonder Gas Pill.
You simply drop one of these pills
into a gallon of water...
and you have a gallon of gas,
not ordinary gas...
but gas of the highest quality.
Now, this is the five-gallon size
and this is the 1 0-gallon size.
I could sell it to you
for a dollar a gallon, but no.
The 1 0-gallon size sells for $2.
The five-gallon size sells for $ 1.
Who wants one?
L'll take the large size.
L'll take 1 0 gallons.
- Yes, sir.
- Give me 1 0.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How do we know
that stuff's on the level?
I perceive that you have a water bag
on your shoulder.
- Ls there water in it?
- Yes, full of it.
Put this in it. l dare you.
It smells like gasoline.
What more do you want, folks?
The five-gallon or the 1 0-gallon size?
Who wants one?
- That's enough for me, give me 1 0.
- There you are.
- Give me 1 0 gallons.
- Give me five gallons.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
All right, folks, don't fight.
Here's another fin, buddy.
Here's your pill.
- Never mind that.
- All right, l'll take five gallons more.
- Right over here, sir.
- Hold it, hold it, folks. Hold everything.
Don't hand over any more of your
hard-earned money to these crooks.
- This is a fake.
- Are you insinuating...
we are hoodwinking the public?
I dropped one of these Little Wonder
Gas Pills into a bucket of water...
poured it into the tank of the car
and now... And now look at me!
Hey, give us back our money!
Inspector McNeil
of the State Bunco Squad.
L've been trailing these two
for five days.
Jail's too good for these robbers.
We ought to take care of them.
- You're right.
- They can't take me.
- We want our dough.
- Come on.
Folks, don't let your tempers boil over.
These men will be dealt with by the law.
My purse.
My purse.
Well, what l can't understand is why did
you pretend to be a county detective...
unless the gas pills
didn't have the desired effect?
What do you suppose
is running this car at the present time?
- He's right, Ollie, we're going okay.
- Well, what happened to the man's car?
He got mixed up in the directions or
there was something wrong with his car.
- How much we take in?
- Two hundred and twenty-three dollars.
- L'll take my half now.
- All right.
There you are.
Hey, wait a minute, fellows.
What?
Didn't l split the money fifty-fifty?
That's not it. We gotta go back.
- Go back! Why?
- This purse belongs to a girl in Midvale.
- L was holding it for her.
- Lf anyone sees us...
they'll throw us all into the jug...
and they'll find out
that you're really not an officer.
- How am l gonna get this back to her?
- L'll take it.
How did you get here?
I got into the back of the trailer
when you were leaving.
The question now is,
how do l get back to Midvale?
Oh, l got an idea.
You two drive to the place
where l parked my station wagon.
We'll ride back in the trailer.
Come on, baby. l'll explain everything
to you in words of one syllable.
No wonder
he wanted to go back to Midvale.
- Why?
- Well, because the girl lives there and...
Never mind why!
Look, you're doing 70 miles an hour.
I'm not doing 70 miles an hour.
I'm not even doing 50 miles an hour.
In fact, l'm not even doing
35 miles an hour.
- Well, it says there 70.
- That speedometer's stuck.
Oh, l'm sorry. l didn't know.
Why don't you look
where you're going.
- L'll get it.
- Thank you.
- Hey, what's this?
- Lt's a picture taken...
when Mother put through
a real-estate deal on our property.
- Your folks got money?
- L've a rich aunt in Boston.
She bought the property for Mother.
What kind of a deal was this?
Mother puts in her property
in $ 1 0,000...
and the eastern financiers
put in 1 5,000.
L've seen one of those faces.
Around a racetrack.
Louisville, a horseplayer
named "One Horse" Bates.
You might let me in on this.
Honey, l'm afraid
your poor old gray-haired mother...
has been sadly gypped.
There's my car, baby, hop in.
I gotta go up and see the Rover boys.
Boys, l gotta drive this girl
back to Midvale.
- Back to Midvale?
- Lsn't there any other way?
There's more. From what she tells me,
her mother was gypped out of $ 1 0,000.
- That's a lot of dough.
- Yeah, a lot of money too.
It's worth going after.
Now, l have a hunch who the gang is.
- L'm gonna try and get it back.
- You're a swell guy...
- to try and get that money back.
- Yes, anything we can do to help...
l knew l could count on you.
Stay on this route
and l'll catch you before long.
- Righto.
- Okey-dokey.
Stanley, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Well, it saves a lot of time.
Mr. Cass,
this gentleman seems to think...
that Mother has been swindled
in the land deal.
This is Mr...
- l don't even know your name.
- We never got around to that.
- Wright. Chester Wright.
- L'm very glad to meet you, sir.
Though l'm quite certain that you're
mistaken. The money is in my safe.
Yeah? Ten will get you 20 that it isn't.
And a Wright is never wrong.
Mr. Wright, l hope you're wrong.
There, you see, and the signatures.
Just as l put it into my safe, Mr. Wright.
Oh, sure, sure.
Now, who's gonna open it?
Why, l think Miss Cowan
should open it...
since she will someday
be the owner of the property.
Why, l don't understand it.
I put that money in the envelope
and sealed it.
It was never out of my sight
until l put it into the safe.
He's even used a copy
of the Daily Planet.
He never dropped it on the floor?
Yes, now that l think of it,
but he initialed it...
before he dropped it.
And the initials were still there.
Why, of course.
That's known as the old convincer.
The phony envelope was initialed
before he came in.
I'm going down
to tell the chief of police.
L'd like to break their necks.
I only hope
the police catch up with them.
What good would that do?
Even if the police arrested them...
they'd only spend the money
on lawyers to defend them.
Then if you win, you lose.
Maybe, but l've been thinking.
I'm going after that money.
What do you mean?
Well...
money lost through larceny
can often be recovered the same way.
Remember l told you l recognized
one of those faces, a horseplayer?
Well, what track opens next week?
New Orleans.
- And that's where l'm heading.
- Fine, l'll go along with you.
You know, if we hadn't
have run out of gas on the desert...
Chester would have
never gone to Midvale...
and he would never have met her.
And now he's going to recover
her money.
To her, he's a real hepcat.
Right in the groove.
And they'll fall in love...
get married.
And live in a cottage
bowered with roses.
A country estate.
You know, we could work for them...
and we could live in peace
and contentment.
You paint a pretty picture, Stanley.
They could name
their first baby Stanley.
What's the matter with Oliver?
Stanley's a nice name.
Oliver.
Well, they could have twins.
We'll suggest that to them.
- What's my point, baby?
- Six.
You know you always
shoot sixes, Corky.
My name is Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Leaping Frog, Amarillo County, Texas.
How do you do, colonel? We've assigned
the governor's suite to your party.
- L hope you'll like it.
- You all are most kind, sir.
Okay, there's your 2 bits.
If l keep on playing this game,
you'll be wearing mink.
This is my secretary,
Mr. Chester Wright...
and this is my butler, valet
and general factotum, Potts.
Carry those bags upstairs,
and don't take no for an answer.
Yes, sir.
I have some valuables
l'd like to entrust to your care, sir.
This one contains $20,000
in currency.
And this, some very valuable
contracts and documents.
They'll be perfectly safe, l assure you.
Just a moment, l'll give you a receipt.
My, what a pretty little girl.
How do you do, miss? Let me see.
I don't remember your name,
but l know we've met.
There goes the colonel again.
And he's got the most jealous wife
in the whole state of Texas.
That's Corcoran,
one of the men at the desk.
Yeah, l recognized him
from his picture.
Okay, you two, break it up.
Susan, we'll see you later upstairs.
Goodbye, miss.
You all here for the races, gentlemen?
I'm sorry, sir,
but business prevents that pleasure.
After you, sir.
Corcoran, you might
at least have knocked.
Dorcas, ready money
just walked in the hotel.
- Kale, mazuma, moola?
- The old lettuce and plenty of it.
A Texas Casanova by the name
of Col. Watterson Bixby...
- and a sucker for dames.
- That's nothing, so are you.
Dorcas, this is business. Listen.
We've been in this joint
for five minutes...
and we already contacted
the interested parties.
- And are they interested.
- But haven't you...?
We spent a lot of money
to put over this deal.
Say, $ 1 0,000 is a lot of hay.
It's a lot of money too.
He's got the suite down the hall.
Get him in here...
and l'll watch
for your drink order at the bar.
Then l'll walk in
at the right time. Get it?
And don't forget
to use your Southern accent.
- Does y'all mean like this, honey?
- Fine, that's it.
L'll be right back.
Oh, y'all, please don't leave me,
please don't leave me.
Oh, please.
Oh, my hero.
I declare, l'd have collapsed in the hall
if it hadn't been for you...
and someone else
might have come along...
someone not so strong,
so gallant.
Come sit here beside me.
Why?
- Why, l still feel a little faint.
- L'll go get a doctor if you like.
Oh, let us have some drinks.
- Shall l order a couple of Sazeracs?
- L'm sorry, lady, but l don't drink.
You don't drink?
I mean, you all don't drink?
Oh, would you mind if l had
a little snifter? l mean a little sip?
Certainly not.
Would you mind pouring it for me?
See, l've sweetened it.
One little sip?
Just for poor little me?
Just one little sip, but just one.
You know, that's a bit of all right.
I declare, for a Texan, you all have
a mighty funny dialect, colonel.
- Colonel?
- Aren't you Col. Watterson Bixby?
- No, l'm his valet.
- What?
- Yeah, my name is Potts.
- Potts!
Yeah, P-O "otts," Potts.
- Come in.
- Oh, no, that's my husband.
Hide, quick!
Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas, my fair lady.
As your neighbor down the hall,
l've come to present my regards...
and convey my felicitations.
Colonel Watterson Bixby.
I'm almighty proud to meet you all.
- Come right in.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- My name is Mary Lou, colonel.
- What a pretty name.
- Can l call you Mary?
- Please do.
And you just call me Watty.
Watty. How about a drink?
Shall l order a couple of Sazeracs?
A couple? Why, madam, that's just
a three-furlong dash to a 4-year-old.
Order a dozen.
And it shall be
Colonel Watterson Bixby's pleasure...
my little magnolia blossom.
A dozen Sazeracs for 807, please.
Mary, is that hard liquor
l see on yonder table?
But that is brandy, colonel,
and l've ordered absinthe.
The perfect chaser.
Permit me.
To the fairest flower in the garden
of Southern womanhood.
- Sit down, colonel.
- Thank you.
L've heard no woman
can resist you, Watty.
Mary, you gonna have
a lot of fun proving it.
- You mind if l smoke?
- Not at all.
Thank you.
- Cigarette?
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Light?
- Thank you.
- Things are moving?
- Yeah.
Oliver has just walked
into the spider's web.
I found the third member
of the party.
He's running a showboat nightclub.
That's fine.
That's where you come in.
- What do you mean?
- L've sort of been worrying...
for fear you'd be in the way.
If we got in a jam, that is.
- L'll stick with you boys.
- Don't you see?
Nightclub, singing, that's your racket.
You get a job, pave the way...
we'll move in
and clean out the whole gang.
You mean you want me to walk out
before l get the money?
Does that mean you...?
You still don't trust me?
No.
Because if you don't, well...
we might as well
call the whole thing off.
Don't be silly.
I trust you, Chester.
Don't think l'm not grateful.
L'll do as you say.
- Sit down, Mary Lou.
- Thank you.
- Delicious.
- Nectar.
Mary Lou, absinthe makes
the heart grow fonder.
Hold your breath
and take nine sips of water.
Thank you, colonel.
Watty, you have lovely hands.
Thank you, Mary.
Impulsive little creature,
aren't you, darling?
Shall...? Shall we all have
some music now?
I don't mind if l do.
Colonel, y'all dance divinely.
It must be the gypsy in me.
Kiss me, my little dove.
So!
I find you, my wife,
in the arms of another man.
- Lionel, l can explain everything.
- You can explain...
- But, sir, you don't understand...
- L understand everything, sir.
I should kill you both,
perhaps l will.
- Oh, it was nothing.
- Nothing?
You call it nothing when l find this
Casanova making violent love to you?
Why, l'll...
And now, Colonel Watterson Bixby,
l'll deal with you.
L'll go to name you co-respondent
in my divorce case against my wife.
No, no.
Think of my position in society.
- L'm in no mood for trifling.
- Can't this little matter be adjusted?
Sir, you dare to offer me money?
Well, just between
two Southern gentlemen.
Money for my wife? For my honor?
- For my love?
- For my children.
Your poor little innocent babes.
Why should the sins of the father
be visited upon the children?
- How much?
- Ten thousand dollars, sir.
Ten thousand dollars?
Ten years in jail is more like it,
my fine-feathered friend.
Who are you?
Sheriff Jonathan Bates
of Midvale County.
L've got a warrant for your arrest
for swindling Mrs. Audrey Cowan...
out of $ 1 0,000.
- You can't get away with this.
- Oh, no?
Deputy.
Yes, sheriff?
- Got the extradition papers?
- Everything signed by the governor.
- Put the handcuffs on him.
- Wait a minute, this can be fixed.
Are you trying to bribe
an officer of the law?
I wouldn't think of that.
You've gotta realize this is
a business deal that went wrong.
L'll refund the money,
save further trouble and expense.
L'll turn my share of the money over,
and you can give it back to Mrs. Cowan.
Well, the main thing
is to get the money back.
Hand it over.
Here's 5000.
That was my split.
- What happened to the other $5000?
- My partner, Bennett, has it.
Your partner tipped us off
you had all the dough.
So that's where the squawk
comes from.
Your partner, Bennett.
Bennett.
Put them up!
You two cheap grifters thought
you could put something over.
I got a notion to drill you.
Hand back that dough, smart guys.
Hand it over.
We were only fooling.
Get the handcuffs!
Give me the handcuffs!
Here you are. Come on.
- Hey, put him in the closet.
- All right.
Oh, no, you don't, Mary Lou.
Come on, hurry, hurry. We gotta
get out of this joint fast.
Well, what do you say, Tony?
No, this is not my racket.
Of this l know from nothing.
L'll give you a half-interest. All l need
is 5 grand to open the show.
Five grand's a lot of money.
Sometimes it takes me
a whole week to make 5 grand.
Isn't he going to help you,
Mr. Bennett?
No dice. l had plans, Susan.
I was gonna make a big star out of you.
I knew you had the stuff
the first time l saw you.
Would Tony Queen put up the money
if he thought he had a sure thing?
If Tony thought he had a cinch,
he'd kick in with plenty.
- Wish l could help you.
- Thanks anyway.
You don't happen to have
any money in your family?
I have an aunt in Boston
who has quite a lot, but that's Boston.
It doesn't do us much good when l'd
figured l'd open in a couple of nights.
Never mind any more rehearsals
for the present, honey.
I'm out.
Well, boys, this has gone far enough.
L'll just call that $2 bet.
- What have you got?
- Two pair.
- Why, you dummy, you've got four aces.
- Just a minute, boys.
Straight flush.
What's the good news, Susan?
Bennett had Tony Queen
down this morning...
trying to get him to put some money
in the show, but nothing doing.
- He wouldn't go for it, huh?
- No.
Bennett said he could get all the money
in the world from him for a sure thing...
but this is evidently
a little too legitimate.
- He even tried to promote me.
- What'd you say to that?
I told him the only one in my family
with money was an aunt in Boston.
Did you say you have
a rich aunt in Boston?
Why, yes.
Honey, your rich aunt from Boston
arrived in town this morning.
Gee, that's swell.
She came here to visit
her childhood sweetheart...
Colonel Watterson Bixby
of Amarillo County, Texas.
But where is she?
We could go and get her.
- Then we'd clean up the gang...
- She's right here.
Where?
Not me.
I'm not gonna be a dame.
Turn around.
- How do l look?
- Absolutely perfect.
- Let's go and show Chester.
- Wait just a minute.
Let me see you walk.
- All right?
- Not like that.
Like this.
- Simple.
- Show me that again.
Now let's see you do it.
Auntie! You look great. Don't forget,
your name is Emily Cartwright.
- Emily Cartwright.
- Lt's late. We gotta hurry.
Come on, Emmie.
- Not you, it's me. l...
- Go on.
- Charming and clever, isn't she?
- L agree.
That's the only reason l'm considering
selling you a piece of the show.
I want her to have
the best possible production.
Of course, you know,
l wouldn't consider this investment...
if it wasn't for Susan's future...
- would l, Watty?
- No.
She is charming and clever,
Miss Emily.
I hope you don't mind me
calling you Miss Emily.
Oh, no, not at all.
You know, l just love the way
you show people carry on.
For $5000,
l'll give you 49 percent of the show.
What do you think, Chester?
Well, it... lt sounds like
a sound business venture to me.
That's splendid.
When shall we draw up the papers?
- L suggest that...
- Now, now, sugar pie...
l wouldn't be too hasty.
This theater business is very risky.
I remember when l was young,
l was hooked...
L... l mean, l invested $50,000
in a musical show.
That, of course, my dear,
was before l met you.
Well, remember, turtledove,
it's for Susan...
and l want her
to have every opportunity.
I know, lambie pie,
but Mr. Roger Billingham...
the biggest theatrical producer in
New York is a personal friend of mine...
and l'm sure
that l could interest him in Susan.
- Well, you know best.
- Pardon me, Miss Emily.
L'd like to talk to the colonel
privately.
Colonel, there are a few things
l must explain to you.
- Pardon me.
- Be firm, Watty.
Look, colonel, l don't want anything
to go wrong with this deal.
This also means quite a lot to me.
I have to protect my money.
L... l mean, my future wife's money.
Oh, l get it. Yeah, l fully understand.
How about a hundred bucks?
Well, Colonel Bixby
has changed his mind.
He now feels
the proposition is excellent.
Good. Chester,
you take care of the details.
Just a minute.
I just happened to think...
that Emily won't have full control
of the show, only 49 percent.
Thank you, Watty,
l didn't even think of that.
Just a detail. Just a detail.
I'm afraid the colonel
didn't quite understand my explanation.
Pardon me again.
This is the end of the roll, colonel.
Three dollars and 1 5 cents.
That's all l got.
Well, that's different, Mr. Bennett.
I didn't just see it that way at first.
One, two, three.
- Do you smoke?
- Yeah.
Get yourself a package of cigarettes.
Well, Miss Emily, 50 percent it is,
but the colonel drives a hard bargain.
Oh, don't mind the colonel,
he'll grow on you.
He won't grow on me.
You know, Watty, l sometimes think
you're only marrying me for my money.
Now, here's the proposition.
You put up $5000 and l put up 5000...
then we put the entire amount
in an envelope...
and you may keep that envelope
in your possession...
until all the papers are drawn up.
Is that clear?
May l think this over?
What do you think, Chester?
As long as the money remains in your
possession, l can find no objections.
- Very well, it's settled.
- That's splendid.
You know, that's the way
we Cartwrights do things.
You be at my hotel in the morning
with the money and necessary papers.
- L'll be there.
- Mr. Bennett.
- Goodbye, Miss Emily.
- Goodbye.
- Come, Watty.
- Yes.
But l only want the dough for a flash.
It won't be out of your hands
two minutes.
- What about the show?
- L'm gonna forget it.
It's nothing but a headache.
- What do l get out of the deal?
- This is getaway money.
I'm willing to give you $ 1 000
for the loan of 5 grand for 1 0 minutes.
Fifty-fifty.
- All right.
- You think the old gal...
- will fall for the envelope switch?
- Of course.
How do you suppose
l got the five in the first place?
L'd hate to tell you, brother.
- You know, Ollie, l was just thinking.
- What about?
Nothing. l was just thinking.
- Everything set on the envelope switch?
- Oh, sure.
We'll make the switch first
and beat them to it.
- You haven't got a thing to worry about.
- No.
After you've made the switch, slip me
the envelope with the money in it...
tell me to go down,
put it in the hotel safe. And l go.
- What's gonna happen to us?
- You make some excuse to leave...
and hurry down to the railway station.
L'll be waiting.
- What about Susan?
- She'll be there to meet us.
I gotta go pay the hotel bill
and get our baggage out.
- You better get set, they'll be here soon.
- Right away.
And, boys, be careful.
We're dealing with one
of the toughest mobs in the country.
I'm doing my best with him, Chester.
One false move and we'll all wind up
on the bottom of the Mississippi.
Wrapped in concrete.
Wrapped in concrete.
Are you sure you've got that envelope
routine straight in your mind?
- Certainly. l've more than got it.
- Let's see it.
Now, l've got two envelopes.
This one contains torn strips
of newspaper.
- Right?
- And this one contains $ 1 0,000.
Now, Bennett gives me the $ 1 0,000.
- Then l give it back to him. You see, l...
- L knew it, l knew it. Give...
Now, this envelope
contains torn strips of newspaper.
Put that in your pocket.
Now, l'm Bennett and you're Stanley.
Now, this envelope contains $ 1 0,000.
Put that in your pocket.
How can you give me the envelope back
when l ask for it...
if you've got it in the other pocket?
But you didn't ask me
for the other envelope.
Give me the envelopes. Here.
Now, you're me and l'm you.
How can you be me
when you're Bennett?
- You just told me you were...
- You're Bennett and l'm Stanley.
- Where's Ollie?
- He's standing over there...
somewhere, anywhere.
- L don't get it. l just...
- Sit down.
Sit down. We're practically
wrapped in concrete now.
- At the bottom of the Mississippi?
- Yes, the bottom of the Mi...
Never mind the Mississippi.
- Where's 41 0?
- Right over there, sir.
Thank you.
There they are now.
- Are you sure you've got the money?
- Yeah. Right here.
Now, don't forget to be dignified.
That's fine.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, colonel.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
We're ready, willing
and able to do business.
This is Mr. Queen,
an associate of mine.
Mr. O'Grady and Mr. Taylor,
who are also interested.
Charmed, l'm sure.
Oh, pardon me.
My adviser, Colonel Bixby.
- L call him Bixie for short.
- How do you do?
I brought along the currency
in $ 1 000 notes, five of them.
- Yes, yes, of course. Five more.
- Thank you.
Now, we'll put them in the envelope...
as per the agreement.
There you are. You hold on to it until
the details are completed, Miss Emily.
Thank you.
- Hello, Mr. Wright.
- Mr. Bennett.
My secretary, Mr. Wright.
- Mr. Queen.
- Mr. Queen.
- How are you?
- That completes everything.
- Good morning.
- Goodbye.
Oh, by the way,
for our mutual protection...
don't you think we better put a mark
of identification on that envelope?
Oh, l don't think it's necessary,
really.
Just a matter of business.
Well, maybe you're right, eh, Bixie?
I think so.
Thank you.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Well, that makes the deal
as solid as concrete.
Maybe, colonel,
you'd better keep this...
Well, how about celebrating?
Let's have a snort of bourbon.
Emmie means a little libation.
I think l have a bottle
in the next room.
If you'll give me the envelope, l'll take
it down and put it in the hotel safe.
That's a good idea. Thank you.
Good day, gentlemen.
How about the bourbon, Bixie?
L'll go right in and get it, Emmie dear.
Pardon me, boys.
You know, gentlemen,
l'm one of those nip-and-tuck drinkers.
What's that, Miss Emily?
One nip and they tuck me away
for the night.
I feel so gay.
- Did you ever hear the one about...?
- Emmie, l can't find the bottle.
- Where did you put it?
- Excuse me. l'll be right back.
If l hadn't have seen it,
l wouldn't have believed it.
- L told you it would be a cinch.
- Hey, Jimmy, watch that door.
- What are you trying to do, cross me?
- Cross you?
- L've been slipped the business myself.
- Catch that dame.
- She's ducked. They've beat it.
- Let's get out of here.
- Come on, sister, where's that dough?
- L haven't got it, really.
- That secretary's got it.
- Yes, he took it to the office.
If you're on this frame,
it'll be a case of murder.
I'm not that dumb. We were taken.
This pair's crooked. Where's Wright?
That money belongs to Miss Cowan.
You know very well you stole it
from her mother.
Why, you.
We were only trying
to get it back for her.
Oh, l wish you weren't a dame.
Wright's on the way to the showboat to
pick her up. That's our next stop, boys.
I don't know who crossed who.
I'm out 5 grand, and somebody's
gonna pay it back to me or else.
I was on the level. l wanted the dough
for the old convincer.
I was gonna turn it back.
- You were played for a chump.
- Here she is, Tony.
Oh, so this the little gal who dug up
the pretty trap you walked into.
- Smart.
- Where's Wright?
Come on, tell us.
- L don't know where he is.
- Where did you see him last?
The other day
when he was here with you.
- Don't they know?
- He's disappeared.
I'm afraid he's hoodwinked all of us.
We've been left holding the bag.
You framed all this.
You know where he is. Tell us.
- Lay off for a minute, Bennett.
- Chester was just fooling us all the time?
That he never intended
to pay me back the money?
I'm afraid he's made fools of all of us.
Yeah, you and the two dames
were stooges for a smart operator.
And you fell for his gag like a
cornhusker from the wide-open spaces.
Hey, wait a minute. l got an idea.
L'll take this joint over, open,
like you planned.
Later, l'll bring in the birdcage,
roulette wheels, dice tables.
I can clean up. You're gonna stay
because l need you in the show...
and l like you. l got an idea
we're gonna be good friends yet.
You stick here and watch her
and Bennett.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
You do a swell act,
but l want to look over your lines.
Maybe you and Wright
are planning to split fifty-fifty.
- Just a minute...
- Take these two...
to the boiler room
until l decide what to do with them.
You're gonna get a nasty letter from
our lawyer for that Halloween crack.
Get out.
- My goodness, it's chilly in here.
- Here, put this around you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Mike.
Go tell Joe to put
some more fire in the boilers.
We'll have the customers
sitting on their hands in a minute.
Hey, Joe. Boss says to fire up. People
are freezing their ears off upstairs.
Yeah? That's where you come in, buddy.
Make with the shovel.
- Me?
- Yeah, you, and no beefs about it.
Well, what about...?
So you're one of those guys that
have no respect for the opposite sex.
Make with the shovel. Come on.
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
I'm sorry, l...
Now, smart guy, shovel every lump
of that coal into that boiler.
Would you mind
handing me my shovel?
- Get out.
- Now, don't. No, don't...
What's that?
- These are gas pills.
- That's exactly what l need.
I got indigestion.
- But these are different...
- Shut up.
Get shoveling.
- Will you get me a glass of water, babe?
- Yes.
- Please don't take that.
- Oh, sit down, sweetie pie.
L've had indigestion before.
This is sure gonna save my life.
Why, that's fine.
What kind of pills are those anyhow?
We tried to tell you
they were gas pills.
Oh, take me down out of here.
Get me out of here!
- Nice going, sister.
- Lt's not my sister, my mother.
Come, Mother dear.
You know, there's no reason
why we shouldn't be friends...
good friends, kid.
String along with me,
you'll be sitting on top of the world.
We ought to celebrate at that.
We'll drink to each other.
I thought you'd begin
to see things my way.
Here's to you, babe.
Good, eh?
Call a doctor.
Keep your eyes open.
The boat's loose.
The old Fremont.
She's loose on the river.
Send out the riverboat.
Watch where you're going.
All right, everybody go below.
Everybody go below. Come on.
I was going to the pier when
l heard the boat broke loose.
I hopped on the police boat and...
- Well, baby, what's the matter?
- What did you do with the money?
I wired the money to your mother
this morning. Look, there's the receipt.
Oh, Chester, l'm sorry.
Chester. Why...
Come on, baby, let's go.
Well, we're going down
for the third time.
I'm sorry.
[ENGLlSH]