Jo Koy: Blue in the Face (2026) Movie Script
["The Choice Is Yours (Revisited)"
by Black Sheep plays]
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Stockton, are you ready?
[audience cheers wildly]
Give it up for Jo Koy!
What's the black sheep?
Know not who I am
Or when I'm coming, so you sleep
Wasn't in my realm
Or wasn't in your sphere
Knew not who I was, but listen here
Come on
Dres, D-R-E-S, yes
I guess I can start
If it's all right with you
I'll rip this here joint apart
Back, middle, to the front
Don't front
Wanna a good time
Gonna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey?
-[music fades]
-Stockton!
[audience cheers wildly]
[chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, they kept asking me,
"Stockton? Why Stockton?"
[audience cheers]
[cheering intensifies]
Is that even a question?
This is why Stockton.
-It's beautiful in Stockton.
-[audience cheers]
We gotta, like, change the narrative,
because people like
to just dwell on bad things all the time.
And don't get me wrong,
we're all going through bad shit,
but it's okay to look at the good.
[audience cheers]
Stockton is really good.
[audience cheers]
First Filipinos put their foot
right here in Stockton.
[audience cheers wildly]
So before we went anywhere else,
we were like
[in Filipino accent]
"Wow, I like this place."
"Let's make Little Manila here."
Yeah, we can focus on negative shit,
but is that really the life
you want to live?
Do you really want to just sit back
and look at the algorithm
and believe every fucking thing
that it says?
I say no.
I say change that narrative.
I say change what you're looking at
every now and then.
Maybe look at the good
quicker than you do the bad.
It's up to you
to change that fuckin' narrative,
'cause you sit there
and look at bad shit all the time.
It's both our faults.
Yeah, IG will go,
"Oh, you like that bad shit? I got more."
And, of course, you look at it
and go, "No, you don't."
And Instagram's like, "The fuck I don't."
Then you're like, "Well, show me more."
Now you're laying in bed
looking at white bitches
get punched in front of Popeyes
for 20 hours.
Like, "God damn."
"How many white bitches
are getting punched in front of Popeyes?"
And then you start enjoying it.
And that's bad.
[laughs] I don't want to see white bitches
get punched in front of Popeyes.
But that's a bad place to be in.
Change that narrative!
There's some white bitches there
going, "I got punched
in front of fucking Popeyes."
Right there, that one. "I-- That's me, I"
"They were out of spicy chicken.
I said somethin'. Pop! Fucking"
We're all going through some shit.
And it's okay.
But all it is is just maybe changing
the narrative every now and then.
Maybe look at something good
every now and then.
Compliment somebody sometime.
Maybe you just walk up to somebody
and go, "Hey, you look nice."
-[audience member] Yeah!
-[cheering]
And at the same time,
take that compliment.
"Oh, my God, thank you."
Stop rejecting that fucking compliment.
Women do that shit all the time.
"You look cute." "Trying to fuck me?"
"No, God damn it. No. No! No."
"What?"
[Jo chuckles]
[laughs]
I don't know where that came from.
I ramble a lot
and say things that I'm not supposed to.
And then I laugh at it.
I enjoy the laugh.
You know what I hate?
When people DM me and go,
"Yo, you laughed at your stuff a lot."
And then I respond going,
"Well, it was the first time
I heard it too, bitch."
"Can I enjoy the fucking laugh too?"
Sometimes I say things
I've never heard before.
I'm like, "Well, that was pretty funny."
[laughs]
Peo-- [laughs] People like to judge
and not know the full story about people.
That's what's annoying.
You know, do your research first
before you make a-- a comment
or an opinion.
Do your research.
"Oh, my God, he smiles a lot.
Look at those teeth."
"Oh, my God, those are some white teeth."
"LOL."
Yeah, they're white.
They're fake.
Every single one of 'em.
All of it, porcelain.
This is the most expensive toilet
you'll ever see.
And I smile big,
and I let everybody fucking see it.
[laughs] Now do you want
to know the backstory?
'Cause if you knew the backstory,
you wouldn't make such a shitty comment.
Well, I'm gonna tell you.
When I was 12, I was running through the--
I was running through the woods.
I lived in Tacoma, Washington,
and I ran through the woods.
I was running through the woods
and just playing tag.
That's what you did back in the day.
You know?
When you're broke,
you don't have video games and shit.
You don't have TikTok.
You just ran. You just fucking ran.
Like, "Where were your parents?"
Well, my parents--
Well, my mom was in a garage
with a bunch of other Filipino women
just playing fucking mahjong
for fucking six hours.
[mimics mahjong tiles clicking]
So she's playing mahjong,
and we're all running through the woods.
And I'm running, we're chasing each other.
And I trip over a rock,
and I hit another rock
with my face.
And I knock out all five teeth.
All of them. Two cracked in half.
One fell-- No, two fell out.
And this one, the canine,
this one right here,
shoved all the way into my gums.
Tried to kill me.
[mimics sheathing]
[mock exclaims]
[mock screams]
Blood [mock screams]
Then my mom had to go
take me to the hospital.
But we lived on the base.
My mom and dad were divorced.
There was no dental insurance.
Went to the military b-- The fucking--
Went to the hospital on the base.
[laughs] No cosmetic surgery.
Just some soldier
that worked on fucking teeth.
[chuckles]
You know how horrible that is?
Just sitting there [exclaims]
I'm holding my teeth. [yells]
Some dude in camo just walked--
Gimme a-- I need a hat.
I want to look like--
My son, give me-- gimme a hat.
This is my son, everybody. Throw, throw.
[audience cheers]
I-- I gotta-- I gotta do full-- You know
those fucking soldiers just fucking
Just walked in in camo.
Just like [mimics drill]
He just drilled shit. [mimics drill]
"All right. Carry on." And just fucking
[audience cheers]
[Jo chuckles]
Can you hold this for me?
Hold it for me, hold it for me.
It-- This is what he did. He took a wire.
He took a wire, just a metal wire.
And then he cemented
the five teeth inside my mouth, right?
And then he-- And then he cemented
the-- the wire to the back of my teeth
to hold them in place.
Yeah.
Military dentist.
He looked at my mom
and he goes, "I hope they hold."
And my mom goes,
"It will hold. It will hold."
And then for a month,
she just put Vicks on my fucking gums.
[chuckles]
And then my teeth grew back all fucked up.
They were all gray. All of 'em gray.
This one never grew back right.
This one just stayed up here.
So when I would laugh at my own shit,
it looked like I was missing a tooth.
And I started stand-up
right out of high school. 18 years old!
I was going on stage, and I'd be
telling jokes, I'd laugh at my own shit.
But I'd always cover my tooth.
I'd-- When I'd laugh,
I'd look like Cher, like [mock laughs]
[laughs]
And shit's like You look at it.
Go look at my old footage.
My teeth were so fucked up.
I remember watching TV,
and there was, like,
uh, this doctor, Dr. Maddahi.
He was always on, uh, Oprah, right?
Oprah would have him.
He was like a celebrity dentist.
He'd take care of people's teeth for free.
Right? And Oprah'd be like,
"You get a tooth. You get a tooth."
"You get a tooth!"
And I'd sit there watching,
like, "I want a tooth."
[mumbling] "I want a tooth so bad."
[mock sobs] "I want a tooth so bad."
[chuckles]
And then all of a sudden, I get The--
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
I get The Tonight Show,
and I get a standing O.
[audience cheers]
And I didn't know how many people
watched The Tonight Show back then.
About two days later, I get a phone call
from my agent, going, "Oh."
"Uh, there's this phone company
that wants you to be the face of their"
It was called Amp'd Mobile.
And I did all these commercials
and ads and all that stuff.
And-- And it was a huge check.
It was a lot of money,
especially for me back there,
like 100 grand.
At that time, that was a lot,
especially when you're a-- a road dog.
You know what I mean?
You don't need that much.
I just needed enough money
to get me food for the day
and so I could tell jokes at night.
That's all I wanted to do.
And $100,000, I was like [sighs]
"You know how much Carl's Jr.
that is? I can"
"That's a Bacon Western Cheeseburger
every day."
"I'm good for 100,000 days."
[chuckles]
By the way,
I'm not even trying to be funny.
That-- That was the mentality.
I didn't give a fuck.
[audience members] Whoo!
I'mma eat these burgers and tell jokes.
I am good.
[laughs] And And
But I remember the--
Oprah, right? The tooth.
I was like, "Ooh, I'mma take
a little bit of the money," right?
"And I'mma buy some teeth" Because--
Man, this is a long story. I'm sorry.
But we got time, it's Stockton.
We should stay inside anyway.
[audience cheers]
But there was a Little Caesars ad
that came out every Sunday.
And at the bottom of Little Caesars
was this little dentist
that would charge $3,000
for a full set of teeth.
And I was like, "Oh, it's only $3,000.
I'll just go buy some teeth for $3,000."
That must-- That must be
how much Dr. Maddahi charges.
Dr. Maddahi, looked him up.
He's still in Beverly Hills.
And he's still-- he's still my dentist
to this day. And he's on Rodeo Drive.
To this day!
It's been over 20-something years.
And I drove to Rodeo Drive.
And I went to Dr. Maddahi's office,
and I sat down.
And he's like, "Okay, let me see
what we're working with."
And I opened my mouth.
And he was like, "What the fuck?"
He went like that. Like, "What the fuck?"
He tried to almost punch me.
"What the fuck is that?"
I was like [groans] "My teeth"
He was like, "God damn it!
Why does it smell like Vicks?"
I was like [groans]
[laughs]
He goes, "All right, well, I can do this."
"It's gonna be quite the challenge.
I've never seen this on Oprah."
[chuckles] And he goes-- He goes,
"Let me-- Let me, uh, you know"
"Let me get some X-rays, blah, blah, blah,
and I'll come back with a quote."
About two hours later,
he comes gives me a quote.
And he's like,
"All right, uh, we can do it."
"It's gonna take a lot of work."
I go, "How much?"
And he's like [chuckles]
"It's gonna be a little over $100,000."
-[audience groans]
-Right? I know.
I was like,
"What the fuck, man? Like, fuck."
[whimpers]
I told him about the Little Caesars ad.
I go, "But it's only $3,000."
"And you get a large pizza."
And he's like
He's like, "Yeah, but your teeth
are gonna look like Chiclets."
He goes, "You can do that,
but it's gonna look funny."
"Or I can make you have
your original smile back."
"And that's what I do."
"That's why I'm here
and not on a Little Caesars ad."
I go, "Well, can I think about it?
Just give me some time to think about it."
And I went downstairs to valet.
And I was going to call
my mom, right, for advice.
Because whenever I wanna do
something good to better my life,
I can always count on my mom
to destroy that idea.
[audience laughs and cheers]
[Jo chuckles]
I was counting on my mom going,
"That's crazy."
"Too much money. Do they give you pizza?"
[laughs] And I wanted her to say that!
I was wanting her to say that
'cause I didn't want to spend the money.
So I went into valet, I called my mom
And I-- And I remember it
like-- like it was yesterday.
I called my mom, and I go--
I go, "Mom, I'm at Dr. Maddahi's,
and he's gonna charge me $100,000
for my teeth."
And without skipping a beat, my mom goes,
"Do it, Joseph."
And I got so emotional,
'cause I wasn't expecting that
from my mom.
I go, "Really, Mom?"
"Yes, Joseph.
You make so many people laugh."
"And you deserve to laugh
as well, Joseph."
-[audience exclaims]
-"It's your turn."
[cheering]
And I got so emotional,
'cause I-- I wasn't expecting that
from my mom.
I go, "Are you sure, Mom?"
She goes, "Yes, Joseph."
I go, "I love you."
"I love you too, Joseph."
And as quickly
as my mom gives me the compliment,
um
she took it right back. I--
Like that fast.
She was like, "Yeah, Joseph, because
when my friends came
over to the house and
and you were telling jokes,
and everyone was laughing,
and then you started laughing."
"And my friend whispered into my ear,
'Is-- Is Joseph doing crack cocaine?'"
What the fuck?
She goes, "His teeth look
like he's doing the crack cocaine."
"Are you doing the crack cocaine?"
"No, I'm not doing the crack-- Bye, Mom."
"Okay, bye." "Bye."
"I was carving a pumpkin, and I was doing
the mouth of the jack-o'-lantern."
"I go, 'Oh, my God.'"
[laughs] "'It looks like Joseph.'"
"B-Bye, Mom."
"Bye. Love you."
"Whatever."
[chuckles]
So I always tell kids
[chuckles]
"Don't worry--" [laughs]
I always tell kids, um
"Don't worry about flossing.
Just get a good job and
buy your teeth." [laughs]
I need that, though.
That's what I loved about my mom.
Yeah, yeah, she was tough.
But you know what?
I needed that shit. Makes you hungry.
Get that-- that hard love.
That's why these-- these kids,
man, like, you know--
And I hate being that old guy
that's always going,
"Oh, these kids today"
But you're like, "Fuck, man."
Like, you know, I had to work hard
for my goddamn teeth.
But these kids now, they're just like,
"I started a TikTok channel,
and I just fuckin'"
"I just fuckin' do the fuckin'
dance."
"I just do the fuckin' dance."
[laughs]
You need those kids to learn.
Like, go out there and earn that shit.
Earn something, God damn it. I'm sorry.
[audience cheers]
Like, go outside, God damn it.
No one wants to go outside,
get a real job.
Like, I-- I see people complain.
I see these kids complaining
about minimum wage! They're like,
"Oh, we're gonna make minimum wage,
$20 an hour." What the fuck?
$20 an hour?
And you're complaining about $20 an hour?
That's a-- Fuck, if I got that,
I would have been a millionaire.
[audience cheers]
Fuck that.
Can't even appreciate that.
You know how much I got paid?
Here's the thing. I-- I-- [laughs]
I worked at McDonald's.
And I worked early, 15 and a half.
I had to sign a waiver.
My mom had to sign this waiver to let
your-- your underage kid to go into work.
And my mom was like, "Yes, take advantage
of my son. Where do I sign?"
Fifteen and a half.
I'm not even making this shit up.
And I had to work after school from 3:30,
and I had to be home by 7:30.
You couldn't open and you couldn't close.
And you could only work four hours
at 15 and a half.
And I got paid, what, $3.85 an hour?
-$3.85 an hour?
-[audience cheers]
Four hours a day?
Maximum four days a week?
Let's do the math, and let's round up.
What is that, $4 an hour?
Four times four is what?
What is that, $16? And then what? Tax?
Let's knock that shit in half.
$8 for the day?
Oh, by the way, they didn't--
they didn't let you eat for free.
You had to buy it.
You had to buy the fucking food.
So let's take another $3 off.
So the whole day,
I just got $6 from this fucking clown.
[audience cheers]
And that's why I got fired at McDonald's.
'Cause I was stealing chicken nuggets.
I wasn't gonna pay for that fucking food.
I stole those nuggets.
Back then I worked the nugget machine,
and you dropped 100 nuggets,
and then I'd put it in the drawer.
Then I would take two
of those motherfuckers
and put it in my pocket.
And I would take two
every fucking basket drop.
You think I'm lying?
And I had-- And I had sauces everywhere.
I had hot mustard up here.
I had-- I had barbecue sauce
underneath the fucking mop one time.
I had a stain on my khakis.
You know that nugget
that looks like Louisiana?
It's a Louisiana right here on my thigh.
I had a fucking stain of Louisiana
on my thigh.
I stole those nuggets.
You're not gonna pay me?
I'mma get my food for free.
[sings McDonald's jingle]
I'm stealing it.
And I went to work one day,
and the manager was like,
"You can go home."
And I was like, "Why?"
She goes, "You know why.
Look at your pants."
And I go [exclaims sadly]
"Go home." And I went home.
And I remember I was just so traumatized
because my mom and dad divorced.
It was like,
my sister was working at Taco Bell,
I was working at McDonald's.
A little money, but it was enough money.
We were giving it to my mom, right?
And I just remember like,
"Ah, here I go again, fucking up."
And I remember in my head,
"I'm just gonna go home real quick."
"I'm gonna-- I'm gonna change my--
get out of my uniform." [laughs]
"And I'm gonna go to the mall,
and I'll put a bunch of applications in
for another job, and I'll be good."
"I'll go to Cinnabon.
I like Cinnabon too."
[laughs] "I'm gonna eat so many--"
I had it all ready,
how many Cinnabons I was gonna eat.
And where I was gonna put
these fucking buns.
[laughs]
And I remember,
I got home, and I swear to God,
my mom is never home during the week.
And she was home.
She was home on the couch,
like, just sitting there.
She was like, "Oh!"
"I thought you were working
at McDonald's."
And I had to come up with a lie that fast.
This is how fast I came up with a lie.
I was like, "Oh, Mom!"
"They switched my, uh my schedule,
and they didn't tell me."
"And I didn't show up
for my new schedule."
"So they fired me for a no-call, no-show."
"So, um, it's all good."
"I'm just gonna go to the mall
and get another job, Mom."
"It's all good."
And I started walking to my room.
She goes, "Hold on,
that doesn't make sense. Come back here."
"So you're saying
that they switch your schedule
and didn't tell you,
and then they fired you
because you didn't show up
for the new schedule
that they didn't tell you about?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
"Joseph, that doesn't make sense to me.
Are you telling me the truth?"
I'm like, "Yeah. It's weird, right?"
"It's all good.
I'll just get another job."
It's like, "No, Joseph.
They cannot do that!"
"They're supposed to tell you
when they switch your schedule!"
"You're just supposed to assume
that they switch your schedule?"
"That's illegal, Joseph!"
"Put your uniform back on.
I'm going to get your job back."
I'm like, "No! It's okay."
"Get in the goddamn car, Joseph!"
Now-- Now-- Now I'm in the fucking car
on my way to McDonald's.
And she's just-- [laughs]
She's just laying it on thick, like,
"I cannot believe they took advantage
of you like that, Joseph."
"I just want you to know that I will never
let anyone take advantage of my children."
"Do you hear me, Joseph?"
"You have to promise me
one thing, Joseph."
"When I'm no longer around,
that you will do the same
for your children."
"Will you, Joseph?"
[nervously] "I-- I will."
And then we pulled into McDonald's.
And she goes, "I love you,"
and got out of the car.
And I still didn't stop her.
I just watched her.
[audience laughs and cheers]
She was in there for about 30 seconds,
30 seconds and she came out of McDonald's.
"Get out of the fucking car.
Are you kidding me right now?"
"Get out of the fucking car, Joseph!"
Even the dude from drive-through was like,
"Oh, that's the dude
that steals the nuggets!"
"Yo!"
[laughs]
That's a true story.
[laughs]
So I earn everything.
Everything I got, I earned that shit.
Thank God.
[audience cheers and applauds]
A lot of trauma.
A lot of PTSD.
We all have it.
Everyone in here has something
that they're dealing with. So please
keep your shit to yourself.
Don't tell me when you get to work,
"Oh, my God, wanna know
what happened to me?"
No, bitch. Do you want to know
what happened to fucking me?
If you're really going
through something bad, then get a dog.
Get a dog.
Get a dog right now.
If you're going through some shit,
and you don't want to talk
to anybody about it, then get a dog.
You don't want to go to a therapist,
don't wanna say anything, then get a dog.
A dog will have your back for anything,
anything you want, anything you need.
Your dog is your real ride or die.
You can tell your dog
the deepest, darkest secrets,
your dog will be like [grunts]
The-- The-- [laughs]
The-- The only--
Even as creepy, whatever [laughs]
You can tell your dog the creepiest shit,
and the-- the most your dog will do
is just lift up one ear and go [grunts]
[laughs] That's it.
Won't say anything.
Your dog won't say anything to anybody.
That's a real ride or die.
You got family members
that'll snitch on you tonight.
Tonight!
And I hate it when people go,
"I don't like dogs, Jo."
Well, guess what? I don't like you.
[audience cheers]
How dare you not like
the only living creature on Earth
that loves you the minute you say, "Hi"?
[excitedly] "Hi!"
You don't love that?
Got your back the minute you say hi to it.
It's got your back the minute you give it
that little turkey treat.
You give a dog a turkey--
"Here, here's a turkey treat."
That dog'll be like, "What?!"
"You want to bury a body or something?"
[laughs] That fucking dog will bury
a body and won't say shit
for a turkey treat.
Motherfucker'll be just digging,
"Is this deep enough?"
"Just let me know. Just let"
"You got those turkey treats, right?
You got those turkey fuckin' treats?"
"We'll bury two bodies. We're fucking
taking everybody out tonight."
Bill Murray has
the best quote in the world.
Bill Murray has the best quote.
Bill Murray says,
"I don't trust a man
that doesn't like a dog,
but I trust a dog
that doesn't like a man."
-What?!
-[audience cheers]
Bars!
Bars!
And you know that's right.
Dogs live on a different energy.
They're on another frequency.
You ever-- You ever--
You ever bring someone
to your house for the first time
and your dog's never met that person?
And right when they walk in,
your dog's like, "Who is this?!"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Stop it, stop it." "Fuck that shit!"
"Who are you, dude?"
"Who are you, dude?
Who are you, dude? Who are you, dude?"
"Get over there. Get over--"
"What the fuck?!"
"Who is this guy? Who is this guy?"
"Who is this guy? Who is this guy?"
"Sit down." "Fuck this shit!"
"Fuck this shit!"
[audience cheers]
Then that person leaves the house.
And what does everyone do?
We all gather around the dog.
"Oh, my God."
"What was wrong?" [gruffly]
"I don't know, something about him."
"I don't like him.
You didn't smell that shit?"
And you never invite that person
to your house again.
You don't even trust that person at work.
'Cause your dog indirectly told you,
"That dude is fucked up."
And you know I'm right.
You know why I'm right?
Same dog, different person.
First time coming to the house,
your dog reacts different.
"Oh, my God. What's your name?"
"You like that?
Look at that. Look at that."
"You like that? Look."
"Yeah!" [laughs]
"Look at that. Look at that."
"Here, this is my toy.
This is my toy. This is my toy."
"This is my toy. This is my toy!"
[laughing] "This is my toy.
This is my toy! This is my toy!"
"There's another toy.
There's another toy. There's another toy."
"There's ano-- I got two toys."
"I got two toys. I got two toys."
[laughing] "I got two toys!"
"I got two toys!"
"I got two toys! I got two toys."
"I got two toys."
"I really like you. I really like you."
"I really like you. I really like you."
"I really like you.
I really like you. I really like you."
"I really-- I really like you."
[grunts]
"I really like you."
"Look in my eyes."
"Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes."
"Look in my eyes!"
And I know there's people in here going,
"Dogs are expensive, Jo.
Not everyone can get a dog."
Well, then, stop buying Gucci dogs.
Why are you buying name-brand dogs?
"Oh, but I want
a Labradoodle st-- retriever."
"I want a Labraboo-- boodle shepherd."
"Hyper-allergen-- allergenic."
"It's gonna be $4,000
'cause they only have 'em in Kentucky
and they have to fly it here first class."
What the fuck?
Go to the shelter tonight.
[audience cheers]
Go to the shelter right now.
There's about 300 dogs
waiting for a new home.
They can't wait.
You just point at them. "You, let's go."
That dog's gonna be like,
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
"Want to change my name?"
"You got a turkey treat? You can change
my fucking name, I don't care."
We got two dogs, right?
But Kingston was the first one,
and we got him at a shelter.
And my son was 10.
My son's 22 now,
so we've had him 12 years.
But we don't know how old he was
when we got him.
Because he looked old as fuck.
He had a gray goatee.
He was weird-looking.
That's another thing
about the shelter dog.
No one knows what the fuck they are.
It's-- It's something.
They always go like, "Uh, it's a mix."
[laughs]
"What do you mean, a mix?"
"Like, some shepherd"
[chuckles]
"Fucking
wolf."
"It was a wolf."
[laughs] "There's a wolf
and shepherd and poodle."
'Cause Kingston is
Like, if-- when you see
Kingston, it's weird.
But he's-- he's so cute.
He's adorable, right?
He's got a big ass. All right?
And then he's-- Black fur, right?
And his front legs are short,
but his back legs are big.
Right? So he--
It's like a fucking low rider.
Just fuckin'
Right? Then he's got
the gray goatee and a thick mane.
He just has a mane.
Like, no one can explain where the--
But it's a mane. Like a lion's mane.
And I remember,
we didn't know how old Kingston was
'cause he had the gray goatee.
And I asked the lady at the shelter,
I go, "How old is he?"
"Before my son gets attached,"
you know what I mean?
"And then, like, you know,
two weeks later, he's dead."
"I don't want to do that to my son."
And-- [chuckles] And she goes, "Mmm."
"You know, we really don't know
how old he is."
"But he's really sweet."
"He is a sweet dog."
"You're really gonna love Kingston."
"And you're-- You can get
some free toys. He loves toys."
And we got the toys,
and we started walking out.
And she stopped us again. She goes,
"I just want to let you know
a little story about Kingston."
[chuckles]
"Yeah? You should have
told me the story before I"
[laughs] Right?
This bitch waited till I signed the papers
and bought a year's supply
of fucking food.
"By the way, there's, uh, a disclaimer."
[mock sighs]
"Um, he's a bit of a runaway."
"I'm sorry, what do you mean, a runaway?"
"Well, this isn't his first family
to take him."
"And he usually ends up here."
"And, um" [chuckles]
"But he's so sweet."
"He's so sweet."
And my son was like,
"Dad, I really want Kingston."
So we left.
And like I said, that was 12 years ago.
And, um Kingston has been running away
for fucking 12 goddamn years.
This motherfucker
has been breaking out like Prison Break
every goddamn day.
He's got a secret little flashlight
that's on top of his head.
And just every time he goes out,
he just digs a fucking hole.
And just takes off.
And we gotta find him.
He's gone for three fucking days.
I'm sorry to curse,
but it's so goddamn annoying.
Because he has free medical now.
Like, you know what I mean? I
Like, you don't want
free medical and free food?
He just leaves.
And we live in the mountains.
Everyone-- Everyone always goes,
"Oh, you should get the GPS."
We do have a GPS, but he just runs.
Like, we'll get to the woods, and then,
all we can do is just stand there.
And just watch fucking him running
with the goddamn coyotes.
"I'm free!"
[chuckles]
And he'll be gone for three days.
By the way, my-- Kingston just ran away
like about-- Four months ago, Jo?
Like four months. Got out.
Someone left the goddamn front gate open.
Took off. Right?
And then he was gone again.
And I'm like, "God damn it!"
And-- And-- And I remember yelling.
Like, it's just to the point
where I-- I'm like, fuck it. I'm like
[laughs]
"Don't come back!"
I said something like that.
[laughs]
Ask my son.
"Don't come back!"
"You don't like carrots?!"
'Cause his food comes
with carrots. [laughs]
"You want to eat deer shit?
Then eat deer shit!"
"Have a nice bowl
of ground turkey and carrots,
and you don't want it? Then leave!"
"You have a fucking
salon appointment tomorrow."
[laughs]
Fucking gone three days.
Then he comes back skinny. Just like
"Oh, man. Hey."
"Sorry about that. Sorry, man. Ha."
"I had to get out. I had to get out.
I had to get out. Sorry about that."
"Sorr--" [laughs]
The fucking asshole.
Skinny "You got them turkey treats?"
"You got them turkey treats?"
"Yeah, I got the fucking turkey treats."
"You're not gonna believe
what I saw out there."
"What did you see?"
"Fucking dogs with horns
on their heads and shit."
It's a deer, asshole.
[laughs]
I don't know how he doesn't die,
but I think the mane protects him.
'Cause coyotes kill dogs
all the time on my mountain.
I swear to God, we hear it all the time.
[mimics coyotes grunting]
[mimics dog squealing]
And we have the little dog, Wynnston.
Wynnston's like
[in English accent] "Oh, my God."
"What in the hell is that?
What kind of party is that?"
"Those dogs are vicious."
[normally] And Kingston's like,
"No, they're cool. I've been with them."
[laughs]
He just always runs away.
Always runs away.
And ends up right back,
same spot. [chuckles]
It's the same fight
between Wynnston and Kingston.
Every time Kingston comes back
three days later,
Wynnston's like,
"Where the fuck have you been?"
"Where the fuck have you been?
Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?
Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?"
He's like, "Yo, back the fuck up."
"You're the reason
why I run away all the time."
[chuckles]
"Let me taste your dick.
Let me taste your dick."
"Let me taste your dick!"
[grumbles] "Here. There.
There, are you happy?"
[grunts]
"Oh, he's fucking coyote pussy again!"
"He's fucking coyote pussy again!"
[mock gags]
"You're sick. You're a sick--"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Let me smell your asshole.
Let me smell your asshole."
"God damn it, here! Fucking smell it!"
"Fucking smell it!"
[sniffs] "Oh, he takes it both ways!"
[mock gags] "You sick fuck!"
See how you don't have time
to worry about bad shit if you have a dog?
Look, this is really what I go through.
Halloween is hilarious.
Halloween, we dress the dogs up, right?
But Kingston, he's older, we respect him.
His Halloween costume was a
'Cause he likes to wear a harness,
we found a-- a harness
that looked like a saddle.
And on that saddle
was a little, tiny jockey.
And he'd just walk around the house,
and this jockey's just like
And we would laugh every time he'd walk.
Then trick-or-treaters
started knocking on the doors,
and we started giving out
the candy, right?
And then we'd open up the door,
and Kingston was like,
"I need to fuck some coyotes!"
And he fucking took off.
And we all were like, "No, Kingston!"
And then we all started laughing
at the same time,
because the jockey looked like this,
"Stop him!"
[laughs]
And he was gone for three days,
just walking around the mountain
with this sh--
this fucking jockey on his back.
And I remember,
every day we were laughing, like
'Cause if you could only imagine
what the raccoons, and the coyotes,
and the deer, just looking
at this-- this dark-- [laughs]
this dark animal with a--
with a white dude on its back just
And then three days later,
he came back just skinny again,
like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that."
The fucking jockey was just, like,
bear-hugging him from underneath.
"Does anyone know who this is?
I've been pissing on him for three days."
Can't do the things that I used to do.
You know what I mean?
I fucked around a lot.
I was bad. I was a bad kid.
Fucking bad.
Until my stepdad,
until my mom got married
to Sergeant Fred Harrison.
And that's why, like,
people in blended families,
-God bless you, because
-[scattered applause]
There-- Yeah, like, it's-- it's a hard job
to be in a blended family but
[audience cheers and applauds]
but I needed it.
I needed Sergeant Fred Harrison.
This motherfucker was
from the mountains of West Virginia.
Six-foot-four. Big motherfucker.
Served two tours of Vietnam.
Two Purple Hearts, two Bronze Stars,
and a CIB badge.
He's a bad motherfucker.
[audience applauds]
And I needed him.
To this day, I still make my bed.
You can come to my hotel right now,
my bed is perfectly made.
That's Sergeant Fred Harrison.
"Fix your bed!"
"A messy bed is a messy head."
He used to say that to me all the time.
And to this day, I still fix my bed.
To this day,
anywhere I'm at, I fix my bed.
And that's 'cause Sergeant Fred Harrison.
Rest in peace. I love him.
[audience cheers]
But he was from the mountains
of West Virginia,
and he lied on his application.
He was 17 when he fought in Vietnam.
He lied.
And-- There's pictures all over the house.
There's pictures of him in the hospital
when he was just a kid, 17!
I used to ask him all the time,
like, "Why'd you lie, Fred?"
"Why'd you lie to go fight this war?
You were 17."
And he just looked me right in the face,
he goes, like,
"You ever shit in the snow before?"
"No, I never shit in the snow before."
"Yeah, exactly.
You don't know what that is."
"We didn't have central plumbing."
"We lived in the mountains
of West Virginia."
"We had outhouses.
We had to dig holes in the snow."
"You ever hold your shit
and hit a block of ice with the shovel,
and-- and-- and shit fly out your ass?"
"No, Fred, I've never taken a shit
while holding a shovel."
"Exactly."
"That's why I joined the military."
"All my uncles died in the coal mines."
"I wasn't gonna go work in the coal mines.
My daddy died in the coal mines."
"I ain't working in the coal mines.
I j-- I joined the military."
And that's what he did. 17, he went.
Fought his first-- He-- His first tour,
and he got hit.
Shrapnel, all up his right side.
You see the pictures, it's crazy.
Just his whole right side
just scarred, up and down.
And that's when he got
his first Purple Heart
and his first Bronze Star.
And I don't know who gives it to him
[audience cheers]
I don't know who gave it to him.
Let's just say the major came
and gave it to him,
gave him a Bronze Star,
and gave him a Purple Heart.
The major looked at him, was like,
"Thank you, soldier, for serving
this country. You free to go home."
And he looked at him and went,
"You ever shit in the snow before?"
"No, I've never shit in the snow before.
I don't know what that has to do with"
"Exactly. Put me back in."
He went through a whole year
getting better,
and then they put him back in
at, like, I think, 18 and a half.
He went back in,
and that's when he got hit by a sniper,
entry wound right here
above his right shoulder.
The entry wound was the size of a dime.
His whole shoulder
just blown out like this.
That's how they put his arm back together.
I guess the same guy that put his arm
back together did my teeth.
But that's how his arm was.
The rest of his life,
his arm just dangled like that.
And I remember that's when they gave him
his second Purple Heart
and his second Bronze Star,
and then his CIB badge.
-And that's the one he was like
-[audience applauds]
[cheers]
That's the one where he said,
"When you bury me, Bubba, you make sure--"
"I don't care about the Purple Hearts
or the Bronze Stars."
"You put that CIB badge on me."
"That's the one you bury me with,
you hear me?"
And I was like, "Yeah, Fred, I got you."
And we did.
We put that on his chest.
-And, um
-[audience applauds]
And, um
And now, whoever,
the major was like, "You free to go home."
"Thank you for serving
this co-- this country, soldier."
And Fred just looked at him
and was like, "Yeah, I don't think
I can, uh, wipe my ass right now."
And he went on to serve
22 more years for the U.S. Army.
[audience cheers]
And he retired young.
He retired at 39 years old.
He was just a young guy.
And then we all moved to Vegas
to be with my grandmother,
'cause my grandmother had, like,
terminal cancer, right out of high school.
Right when I was 18,
we all moved to Vegas.
And Fred, that-- We--
That was my only friend.
And he was-- he was my only friend,
and-- and I was his only friend.
And he had all this money.
He had like retirement, disability,
and all this-- all these checks.
And he's 39. You know?
One thing they didn't take care of
was-- was therapy, and he needed it.
Definitely needed it. Soldiers do need it.
And he would just walk around
and just gamble all the time.
And it'd be me, 18
And I was his only friend.
He would just drink. He'd just polish off
a-- a fifth of whiskey.
Be like, "Here you go. Drink that."
And I'm like, "I'm only 18, Fred."
He said, "I was 17 when I fought the war.
You can drink half that motherfucker."
I was like, "Yes, sir."
I started drinking it.
Get all fucked up.
Drank so many bottles of whiskey.
I think that's why I have the gout.
[laughs]
He would just fucking
That's all we did.
Keno and drink,
and that was my best friend.
And there was just one night
we got so fucked up.
And, uh, I was sitting on the floor,
and he was sitting on the couch.
And we were watching football.
And he got real deep.
He just hit me in the head
with the back of his foot.
I go, "What's up, Fred?"
He said, "I need to talk to you
real quick, Bubba."
"Oh, what's going on, Fred?"
He goes, "I just want you
to know that, uh,
you know, I love this family."
I go, "I know, Fred. We love you too."
"Yeah, I love your mama. I love you."
"I seen some shit, Bubba."
I go, "I know, Fred. I know."
"Two Purple Hearts,
two Bronze Stars, CIB badge."
"You know, I seen some shit."
-I go, "I know, Fred."
-[audience cheers]
"You ain't gotta tell me. I know."
"Yeah, I just want you to hear that, man."
"I lived a hard life."
I go, "I know, Fred. I know you did."
"Yeah."
"But I want you to know, Bubba,
ain't nothing harder
than living with your mama."
[chuckles]
And he wasn't lying.
He [laughs]
'Cause my mom didn't give a fuck
about the Purple Hearts
or the Bronze Stars or the CIB badge.
She just saw this 39-year-old guy
walking around spending his money.
And she's like, "Hey, you're acting
like the other arm is broken."
"You can get a job with the other arm."
And she made Fred become a mailman.
'Cause all my uncles were mailmen.
And again, Fred became a mailman.
And he worked for the Post Office
for another 20 years.
He was double retired.
And he hated that fucking job.
Every Christmas, he'd intentionally break
people's gifts. [mimics smashing]
"You broke my gift!"
"I don't have a motherfucking arm."
My best friend.
Loved everything about him.
He was.
I miss him. I really do.
And, um, you know, when
You know, he-- he was a huge Dodgers fan.
The one thing that he-- he never got to do
was get to go to a Dodgers game.
And I never had--
We didn't have the money.
And finally,
I had the money.
I could take him.
And this is a while ago,
but he was already a little sick.
You know, whatever it was
that was in Agent Orange or whatever,
it fucked his lungs up bad,
really, really bad.
And, um, now he's
on a breathing machine and
But I-- I was-- It was the NLCS,
and I got him tickets.
I got him the best fucking tickets,
four rows from the dugout.
And I called him. I was like,
"Fred, we're going. I'm taking you."
-"It's gonna be your first time."
-[audience cheers]
And his response,
it broke my heart, right?
And I'm gonna do it,
but remember,
I have to do the visual
or else you're not gonna understand
[chuckles]
how bad it was.
He was like [mimics respirator]
"You know, Bubba"
I have to.
[laughs]
I have to!
[mimics respirator wheezing]
"Bubba, I can't.
I can't go to the game, Bubba."
[mimics respirator]
"I can't go to the game with you, Bubba."
"You go ahead
and enjoy that game without me,
but I'll watch it on--"
[mimics respirator]
"I'll watch it on TV, and I'm just happy
that you" [mimics respirator]
"offered to take me to the game, Bubba."
[wheezes] "I really love you,
but I'm gonna have to stay--"
I was like, "Why not, Fred?
Why can't you go to the game?"
He's like, "Bubba, my-- my--"
[mimics respirator wheezing]
"My oxygen tank can only last
for about over-- like, about an hour,
hour and a half at the most."
"And those games go
about three hours long, Bubba, so"
[wheezes]
"So you just You enjoy that game, Bubba.
You know what I'm saying?"
"I'll watch it at home,
and I love you so much, Bubba."
"So I can't-- I'll just watch it at home.
I appreciate it."
I was like, "Fred, there's gotta be
something you can do."
And, like, like this,
he answered me so fast. He's like,
[wheezes] "Well,
there's this new portable machine
I've been looking at for a while."
"It's a portable machine,
it's all electric-based."
"It got a battery that make that oxygen go
about five and a half hours."
"That's all I really need is that"
[wheezing]
"to go about five and a half hours."
"You just give me one battery,
and I can-- I'll be able to watch"
[wheezing] "that game with you.
I swear to God, that's all."
"But you know, I can't get it right now,
'cause I'm waiting for my VA loan
to kick in." [wheezes]
"It hasn't come in yet,
so I can't afford that"
[mimics sucking air]
[exhales heavily] "I can't afford
to get that machine right now, Bubba,
so you just enjoy that game."
And I was like,
"No, Fred, I'm flying in early."
"We're going to the medical supply store,
and I'm gonna buy that machine for you."
"We're not gonna wait
for the VA loan to kick in."
[audience cheers]
And my son and I--
My son and I flew to--
We flew back to Vegas.
We took him to the medical supply store.
And-- And we went in, and I swear to--
He beelined right to the machine.
He was like, "That's it right there.
That's the one I need."
"That one go five and a half hours
right there."
"I just need the extended battery"
[mimics wheezing]
"and we can watch that whole game."
"I swear to God, I can't wait.
Let's go ahead and get that." [wheezes]
I was like, "Fred,
let's get two batteries."
He's like, "Now you're being excessive.
You know I don't need two batteries."
"I just need one battery,
enough to get me to the game
and right back home."
"You know I don't like people.
I don't even like people,
so let's just watch the game.
I just need one battery and get me home."
"That's all I" [mimics wheezing]
I was like, "All right."
"We'll get one battery and the machine."
We bought the battery and the machine.
We went home and plugged it in,
fully charged, and I took him to the game.
Remember, we had the best seats.
He had the ramp right here.
[audience cheers]
Just sitting there, four rows.
He was just sitting there and absorb--
Here, gimme the hat. Gimme the hat.
Gimme the hat, throw it. There you go.
[audience cheers]
And I remember we sat him down,
and he-- he had his hat. You know?
And I remember--
You know how they do. He was just like
Just sitting there. He had his
[mimics respirator]
"That's exactly what I thought
it would look like."
[wheezes]
And I was like,
"Like the bottom of a hat?"
"This is beautiful, Bubba."
[mimics respirator]
And, uh And we were sitting there.
NLCS, I'm sitting
right next to my guy Fred, and, um
And that was
the first time in NLCS history
that a game went 18 innings.
His battery started blinking
at inning ten.
Now his hat was up here.
Face is just blue.
And he was conserving every breath,
just like
[sputters]
[inhales slowly]
[sputters]
[inhales slowly]
I was like, "Fred, let's go."
He's like, "Don't--" [laughs]
"Don't you touch me, Bubba.
I swear to God."
[mimics respirator]
"I waited my whole life
to watch this game."
[mimics respirator]
"And I'm not gonna leave."
Blue in the face!
Every inning, I kept yelling.
I'm like, "Someone hit the fucking ball!"
[voice breaking] "Hit the fucking ball!"
"He served two tours in Vietnam."
"And he's gonna die
at a fucking Dodgers game!"
"Hit the fucking ball!"
[mimics gasping]
[wheezes]
[croaking]
[chuckles]
Eighteenth inning
[mimics bat cracking] walk-off.
We win.
My son jumps up.
"Yeah, let's go!"
I'm hugging my son. "Let's go!"
My sister's husband,
"Yeah, let's go Dodgers!"
We start screaming.
All three of us forgot about Fred.
All of us!
Fred's over there like this. [groans]
[groans desperately]
[shrieks]
We fucking put him in the wheelchair.
We're wheeling him down to the--
the dugout, the dugout restaurant.
[garbled grunting]
[grunts]
[chuckles] We plug his machine in.
And he was like [mimics respirator]
"I knew they gonna win. I swear to God!"
"I swear to God,
if you woulda took me out that game,
I would have killed all three
of you motherfuckers, I swear to God."
[audience applauds]
All three of us were looking at him
like a-- like a fucking--
like we're looking at a ghost.
Like, "Fred, we thought
you were gonna die."
"You were blue in the face."
And he just Without skipping a beat,
he just looked at us and went,
[mimics respirator]
"I was Dodger blue in the face."
[audience cheers]
I love you, Stockton.
Thank you so much, man.
[audience cheers wildly]
[crowd cheers]
[Jo] Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Dodgers win!
["The Choice Is Yours (Revisited)"
by Black Sheep plays]
Here they come, yo, here they come
Here they come, yo, here they come
This or that? This or that?
[woman] Kingston, what did you do?
What is on his head?
-This or that? This or that?
-Yo, come on!
Who's the black sheep?
What's the black sheep?
Know not who I am
Or when I'm coming, so you sleep
[in sing-song] Jo Koy just got
a new Amp'd Mobile phone.
It's pay-as-you-go.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah [audio fades]
Back, middle, to the front
Don't front
Wanna good time
Gonna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey?
Can I get a yo?
You got a 'hat? It's for the hoes
The styling is creative
Black sheep of the Native
Can't be violated
Or even decepticated
Guess which way, what, when, how
Know you heard the others
Phonies to the lovers
Then of course, the choice is yours
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
I think you'll go with this
'Cause this is where it's at
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
I think you'll get with this
'Cause this is kinda phat
Where's the black sheep?
Here's the black sheep
Even if we wanted to, the flock
by Black Sheep plays]
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Stockton, are you ready?
[audience cheers wildly]
Give it up for Jo Koy!
What's the black sheep?
Know not who I am
Or when I'm coming, so you sleep
Wasn't in my realm
Or wasn't in your sphere
Knew not who I was, but listen here
Come on
Dres, D-R-E-S, yes
I guess I can start
If it's all right with you
I'll rip this here joint apart
Back, middle, to the front
Don't front
Wanna a good time
Gonna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey?
-[music fades]
-Stockton!
[audience cheers wildly]
[chuckles]
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, they kept asking me,
"Stockton? Why Stockton?"
[audience cheers]
[cheering intensifies]
Is that even a question?
This is why Stockton.
-It's beautiful in Stockton.
-[audience cheers]
We gotta, like, change the narrative,
because people like
to just dwell on bad things all the time.
And don't get me wrong,
we're all going through bad shit,
but it's okay to look at the good.
[audience cheers]
Stockton is really good.
[audience cheers]
First Filipinos put their foot
right here in Stockton.
[audience cheers wildly]
So before we went anywhere else,
we were like
[in Filipino accent]
"Wow, I like this place."
"Let's make Little Manila here."
Yeah, we can focus on negative shit,
but is that really the life
you want to live?
Do you really want to just sit back
and look at the algorithm
and believe every fucking thing
that it says?
I say no.
I say change that narrative.
I say change what you're looking at
every now and then.
Maybe look at the good
quicker than you do the bad.
It's up to you
to change that fuckin' narrative,
'cause you sit there
and look at bad shit all the time.
It's both our faults.
Yeah, IG will go,
"Oh, you like that bad shit? I got more."
And, of course, you look at it
and go, "No, you don't."
And Instagram's like, "The fuck I don't."
Then you're like, "Well, show me more."
Now you're laying in bed
looking at white bitches
get punched in front of Popeyes
for 20 hours.
Like, "God damn."
"How many white bitches
are getting punched in front of Popeyes?"
And then you start enjoying it.
And that's bad.
[laughs] I don't want to see white bitches
get punched in front of Popeyes.
But that's a bad place to be in.
Change that narrative!
There's some white bitches there
going, "I got punched
in front of fucking Popeyes."
Right there, that one. "I-- That's me, I"
"They were out of spicy chicken.
I said somethin'. Pop! Fucking"
We're all going through some shit.
And it's okay.
But all it is is just maybe changing
the narrative every now and then.
Maybe look at something good
every now and then.
Compliment somebody sometime.
Maybe you just walk up to somebody
and go, "Hey, you look nice."
-[audience member] Yeah!
-[cheering]
And at the same time,
take that compliment.
"Oh, my God, thank you."
Stop rejecting that fucking compliment.
Women do that shit all the time.
"You look cute." "Trying to fuck me?"
"No, God damn it. No. No! No."
"What?"
[Jo chuckles]
[laughs]
I don't know where that came from.
I ramble a lot
and say things that I'm not supposed to.
And then I laugh at it.
I enjoy the laugh.
You know what I hate?
When people DM me and go,
"Yo, you laughed at your stuff a lot."
And then I respond going,
"Well, it was the first time
I heard it too, bitch."
"Can I enjoy the fucking laugh too?"
Sometimes I say things
I've never heard before.
I'm like, "Well, that was pretty funny."
[laughs]
Peo-- [laughs] People like to judge
and not know the full story about people.
That's what's annoying.
You know, do your research first
before you make a-- a comment
or an opinion.
Do your research.
"Oh, my God, he smiles a lot.
Look at those teeth."
"Oh, my God, those are some white teeth."
"LOL."
Yeah, they're white.
They're fake.
Every single one of 'em.
All of it, porcelain.
This is the most expensive toilet
you'll ever see.
And I smile big,
and I let everybody fucking see it.
[laughs] Now do you want
to know the backstory?
'Cause if you knew the backstory,
you wouldn't make such a shitty comment.
Well, I'm gonna tell you.
When I was 12, I was running through the--
I was running through the woods.
I lived in Tacoma, Washington,
and I ran through the woods.
I was running through the woods
and just playing tag.
That's what you did back in the day.
You know?
When you're broke,
you don't have video games and shit.
You don't have TikTok.
You just ran. You just fucking ran.
Like, "Where were your parents?"
Well, my parents--
Well, my mom was in a garage
with a bunch of other Filipino women
just playing fucking mahjong
for fucking six hours.
[mimics mahjong tiles clicking]
So she's playing mahjong,
and we're all running through the woods.
And I'm running, we're chasing each other.
And I trip over a rock,
and I hit another rock
with my face.
And I knock out all five teeth.
All of them. Two cracked in half.
One fell-- No, two fell out.
And this one, the canine,
this one right here,
shoved all the way into my gums.
Tried to kill me.
[mimics sheathing]
[mock exclaims]
[mock screams]
Blood [mock screams]
Then my mom had to go
take me to the hospital.
But we lived on the base.
My mom and dad were divorced.
There was no dental insurance.
Went to the military b-- The fucking--
Went to the hospital on the base.
[laughs] No cosmetic surgery.
Just some soldier
that worked on fucking teeth.
[chuckles]
You know how horrible that is?
Just sitting there [exclaims]
I'm holding my teeth. [yells]
Some dude in camo just walked--
Gimme a-- I need a hat.
I want to look like--
My son, give me-- gimme a hat.
This is my son, everybody. Throw, throw.
[audience cheers]
I-- I gotta-- I gotta do full-- You know
those fucking soldiers just fucking
Just walked in in camo.
Just like [mimics drill]
He just drilled shit. [mimics drill]
"All right. Carry on." And just fucking
[audience cheers]
[Jo chuckles]
Can you hold this for me?
Hold it for me, hold it for me.
It-- This is what he did. He took a wire.
He took a wire, just a metal wire.
And then he cemented
the five teeth inside my mouth, right?
And then he-- And then he cemented
the-- the wire to the back of my teeth
to hold them in place.
Yeah.
Military dentist.
He looked at my mom
and he goes, "I hope they hold."
And my mom goes,
"It will hold. It will hold."
And then for a month,
she just put Vicks on my fucking gums.
[chuckles]
And then my teeth grew back all fucked up.
They were all gray. All of 'em gray.
This one never grew back right.
This one just stayed up here.
So when I would laugh at my own shit,
it looked like I was missing a tooth.
And I started stand-up
right out of high school. 18 years old!
I was going on stage, and I'd be
telling jokes, I'd laugh at my own shit.
But I'd always cover my tooth.
I'd-- When I'd laugh,
I'd look like Cher, like [mock laughs]
[laughs]
And shit's like You look at it.
Go look at my old footage.
My teeth were so fucked up.
I remember watching TV,
and there was, like,
uh, this doctor, Dr. Maddahi.
He was always on, uh, Oprah, right?
Oprah would have him.
He was like a celebrity dentist.
He'd take care of people's teeth for free.
Right? And Oprah'd be like,
"You get a tooth. You get a tooth."
"You get a tooth!"
And I'd sit there watching,
like, "I want a tooth."
[mumbling] "I want a tooth so bad."
[mock sobs] "I want a tooth so bad."
[chuckles]
And then all of a sudden, I get The--
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
I get The Tonight Show,
and I get a standing O.
[audience cheers]
And I didn't know how many people
watched The Tonight Show back then.
About two days later, I get a phone call
from my agent, going, "Oh."
"Uh, there's this phone company
that wants you to be the face of their"
It was called Amp'd Mobile.
And I did all these commercials
and ads and all that stuff.
And-- And it was a huge check.
It was a lot of money,
especially for me back there,
like 100 grand.
At that time, that was a lot,
especially when you're a-- a road dog.
You know what I mean?
You don't need that much.
I just needed enough money
to get me food for the day
and so I could tell jokes at night.
That's all I wanted to do.
And $100,000, I was like [sighs]
"You know how much Carl's Jr.
that is? I can"
"That's a Bacon Western Cheeseburger
every day."
"I'm good for 100,000 days."
[chuckles]
By the way,
I'm not even trying to be funny.
That-- That was the mentality.
I didn't give a fuck.
[audience members] Whoo!
I'mma eat these burgers and tell jokes.
I am good.
[laughs] And And
But I remember the--
Oprah, right? The tooth.
I was like, "Ooh, I'mma take
a little bit of the money," right?
"And I'mma buy some teeth" Because--
Man, this is a long story. I'm sorry.
But we got time, it's Stockton.
We should stay inside anyway.
[audience cheers]
But there was a Little Caesars ad
that came out every Sunday.
And at the bottom of Little Caesars
was this little dentist
that would charge $3,000
for a full set of teeth.
And I was like, "Oh, it's only $3,000.
I'll just go buy some teeth for $3,000."
That must-- That must be
how much Dr. Maddahi charges.
Dr. Maddahi, looked him up.
He's still in Beverly Hills.
And he's still-- he's still my dentist
to this day. And he's on Rodeo Drive.
To this day!
It's been over 20-something years.
And I drove to Rodeo Drive.
And I went to Dr. Maddahi's office,
and I sat down.
And he's like, "Okay, let me see
what we're working with."
And I opened my mouth.
And he was like, "What the fuck?"
He went like that. Like, "What the fuck?"
He tried to almost punch me.
"What the fuck is that?"
I was like [groans] "My teeth"
He was like, "God damn it!
Why does it smell like Vicks?"
I was like [groans]
[laughs]
He goes, "All right, well, I can do this."
"It's gonna be quite the challenge.
I've never seen this on Oprah."
[chuckles] And he goes-- He goes,
"Let me-- Let me, uh, you know"
"Let me get some X-rays, blah, blah, blah,
and I'll come back with a quote."
About two hours later,
he comes gives me a quote.
And he's like,
"All right, uh, we can do it."
"It's gonna take a lot of work."
I go, "How much?"
And he's like [chuckles]
"It's gonna be a little over $100,000."
-[audience groans]
-Right? I know.
I was like,
"What the fuck, man? Like, fuck."
[whimpers]
I told him about the Little Caesars ad.
I go, "But it's only $3,000."
"And you get a large pizza."
And he's like
He's like, "Yeah, but your teeth
are gonna look like Chiclets."
He goes, "You can do that,
but it's gonna look funny."
"Or I can make you have
your original smile back."
"And that's what I do."
"That's why I'm here
and not on a Little Caesars ad."
I go, "Well, can I think about it?
Just give me some time to think about it."
And I went downstairs to valet.
And I was going to call
my mom, right, for advice.
Because whenever I wanna do
something good to better my life,
I can always count on my mom
to destroy that idea.
[audience laughs and cheers]
[Jo chuckles]
I was counting on my mom going,
"That's crazy."
"Too much money. Do they give you pizza?"
[laughs] And I wanted her to say that!
I was wanting her to say that
'cause I didn't want to spend the money.
So I went into valet, I called my mom
And I-- And I remember it
like-- like it was yesterday.
I called my mom, and I go--
I go, "Mom, I'm at Dr. Maddahi's,
and he's gonna charge me $100,000
for my teeth."
And without skipping a beat, my mom goes,
"Do it, Joseph."
And I got so emotional,
'cause I wasn't expecting that
from my mom.
I go, "Really, Mom?"
"Yes, Joseph.
You make so many people laugh."
"And you deserve to laugh
as well, Joseph."
-[audience exclaims]
-"It's your turn."
[cheering]
And I got so emotional,
'cause I-- I wasn't expecting that
from my mom.
I go, "Are you sure, Mom?"
She goes, "Yes, Joseph."
I go, "I love you."
"I love you too, Joseph."
And as quickly
as my mom gives me the compliment,
um
she took it right back. I--
Like that fast.
She was like, "Yeah, Joseph, because
when my friends came
over to the house and
and you were telling jokes,
and everyone was laughing,
and then you started laughing."
"And my friend whispered into my ear,
'Is-- Is Joseph doing crack cocaine?'"
What the fuck?
She goes, "His teeth look
like he's doing the crack cocaine."
"Are you doing the crack cocaine?"
"No, I'm not doing the crack-- Bye, Mom."
"Okay, bye." "Bye."
"I was carving a pumpkin, and I was doing
the mouth of the jack-o'-lantern."
"I go, 'Oh, my God.'"
[laughs] "'It looks like Joseph.'"
"B-Bye, Mom."
"Bye. Love you."
"Whatever."
[chuckles]
So I always tell kids
[chuckles]
"Don't worry--" [laughs]
I always tell kids, um
"Don't worry about flossing.
Just get a good job and
buy your teeth." [laughs]
I need that, though.
That's what I loved about my mom.
Yeah, yeah, she was tough.
But you know what?
I needed that shit. Makes you hungry.
Get that-- that hard love.
That's why these-- these kids,
man, like, you know--
And I hate being that old guy
that's always going,
"Oh, these kids today"
But you're like, "Fuck, man."
Like, you know, I had to work hard
for my goddamn teeth.
But these kids now, they're just like,
"I started a TikTok channel,
and I just fuckin'"
"I just fuckin' do the fuckin'
dance."
"I just do the fuckin' dance."
[laughs]
You need those kids to learn.
Like, go out there and earn that shit.
Earn something, God damn it. I'm sorry.
[audience cheers]
Like, go outside, God damn it.
No one wants to go outside,
get a real job.
Like, I-- I see people complain.
I see these kids complaining
about minimum wage! They're like,
"Oh, we're gonna make minimum wage,
$20 an hour." What the fuck?
$20 an hour?
And you're complaining about $20 an hour?
That's a-- Fuck, if I got that,
I would have been a millionaire.
[audience cheers]
Fuck that.
Can't even appreciate that.
You know how much I got paid?
Here's the thing. I-- I-- [laughs]
I worked at McDonald's.
And I worked early, 15 and a half.
I had to sign a waiver.
My mom had to sign this waiver to let
your-- your underage kid to go into work.
And my mom was like, "Yes, take advantage
of my son. Where do I sign?"
Fifteen and a half.
I'm not even making this shit up.
And I had to work after school from 3:30,
and I had to be home by 7:30.
You couldn't open and you couldn't close.
And you could only work four hours
at 15 and a half.
And I got paid, what, $3.85 an hour?
-$3.85 an hour?
-[audience cheers]
Four hours a day?
Maximum four days a week?
Let's do the math, and let's round up.
What is that, $4 an hour?
Four times four is what?
What is that, $16? And then what? Tax?
Let's knock that shit in half.
$8 for the day?
Oh, by the way, they didn't--
they didn't let you eat for free.
You had to buy it.
You had to buy the fucking food.
So let's take another $3 off.
So the whole day,
I just got $6 from this fucking clown.
[audience cheers]
And that's why I got fired at McDonald's.
'Cause I was stealing chicken nuggets.
I wasn't gonna pay for that fucking food.
I stole those nuggets.
Back then I worked the nugget machine,
and you dropped 100 nuggets,
and then I'd put it in the drawer.
Then I would take two
of those motherfuckers
and put it in my pocket.
And I would take two
every fucking basket drop.
You think I'm lying?
And I had-- And I had sauces everywhere.
I had hot mustard up here.
I had-- I had barbecue sauce
underneath the fucking mop one time.
I had a stain on my khakis.
You know that nugget
that looks like Louisiana?
It's a Louisiana right here on my thigh.
I had a fucking stain of Louisiana
on my thigh.
I stole those nuggets.
You're not gonna pay me?
I'mma get my food for free.
[sings McDonald's jingle]
I'm stealing it.
And I went to work one day,
and the manager was like,
"You can go home."
And I was like, "Why?"
She goes, "You know why.
Look at your pants."
And I go [exclaims sadly]
"Go home." And I went home.
And I remember I was just so traumatized
because my mom and dad divorced.
It was like,
my sister was working at Taco Bell,
I was working at McDonald's.
A little money, but it was enough money.
We were giving it to my mom, right?
And I just remember like,
"Ah, here I go again, fucking up."
And I remember in my head,
"I'm just gonna go home real quick."
"I'm gonna-- I'm gonna change my--
get out of my uniform." [laughs]
"And I'm gonna go to the mall,
and I'll put a bunch of applications in
for another job, and I'll be good."
"I'll go to Cinnabon.
I like Cinnabon too."
[laughs] "I'm gonna eat so many--"
I had it all ready,
how many Cinnabons I was gonna eat.
And where I was gonna put
these fucking buns.
[laughs]
And I remember,
I got home, and I swear to God,
my mom is never home during the week.
And she was home.
She was home on the couch,
like, just sitting there.
She was like, "Oh!"
"I thought you were working
at McDonald's."
And I had to come up with a lie that fast.
This is how fast I came up with a lie.
I was like, "Oh, Mom!"
"They switched my, uh my schedule,
and they didn't tell me."
"And I didn't show up
for my new schedule."
"So they fired me for a no-call, no-show."
"So, um, it's all good."
"I'm just gonna go to the mall
and get another job, Mom."
"It's all good."
And I started walking to my room.
She goes, "Hold on,
that doesn't make sense. Come back here."
"So you're saying
that they switch your schedule
and didn't tell you,
and then they fired you
because you didn't show up
for the new schedule
that they didn't tell you about?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
"Joseph, that doesn't make sense to me.
Are you telling me the truth?"
I'm like, "Yeah. It's weird, right?"
"It's all good.
I'll just get another job."
It's like, "No, Joseph.
They cannot do that!"
"They're supposed to tell you
when they switch your schedule!"
"You're just supposed to assume
that they switch your schedule?"
"That's illegal, Joseph!"
"Put your uniform back on.
I'm going to get your job back."
I'm like, "No! It's okay."
"Get in the goddamn car, Joseph!"
Now-- Now-- Now I'm in the fucking car
on my way to McDonald's.
And she's just-- [laughs]
She's just laying it on thick, like,
"I cannot believe they took advantage
of you like that, Joseph."
"I just want you to know that I will never
let anyone take advantage of my children."
"Do you hear me, Joseph?"
"You have to promise me
one thing, Joseph."
"When I'm no longer around,
that you will do the same
for your children."
"Will you, Joseph?"
[nervously] "I-- I will."
And then we pulled into McDonald's.
And she goes, "I love you,"
and got out of the car.
And I still didn't stop her.
I just watched her.
[audience laughs and cheers]
She was in there for about 30 seconds,
30 seconds and she came out of McDonald's.
"Get out of the fucking car.
Are you kidding me right now?"
"Get out of the fucking car, Joseph!"
Even the dude from drive-through was like,
"Oh, that's the dude
that steals the nuggets!"
"Yo!"
[laughs]
That's a true story.
[laughs]
So I earn everything.
Everything I got, I earned that shit.
Thank God.
[audience cheers and applauds]
A lot of trauma.
A lot of PTSD.
We all have it.
Everyone in here has something
that they're dealing with. So please
keep your shit to yourself.
Don't tell me when you get to work,
"Oh, my God, wanna know
what happened to me?"
No, bitch. Do you want to know
what happened to fucking me?
If you're really going
through something bad, then get a dog.
Get a dog.
Get a dog right now.
If you're going through some shit,
and you don't want to talk
to anybody about it, then get a dog.
You don't want to go to a therapist,
don't wanna say anything, then get a dog.
A dog will have your back for anything,
anything you want, anything you need.
Your dog is your real ride or die.
You can tell your dog
the deepest, darkest secrets,
your dog will be like [grunts]
The-- The-- [laughs]
The-- The only--
Even as creepy, whatever [laughs]
You can tell your dog the creepiest shit,
and the-- the most your dog will do
is just lift up one ear and go [grunts]
[laughs] That's it.
Won't say anything.
Your dog won't say anything to anybody.
That's a real ride or die.
You got family members
that'll snitch on you tonight.
Tonight!
And I hate it when people go,
"I don't like dogs, Jo."
Well, guess what? I don't like you.
[audience cheers]
How dare you not like
the only living creature on Earth
that loves you the minute you say, "Hi"?
[excitedly] "Hi!"
You don't love that?
Got your back the minute you say hi to it.
It's got your back the minute you give it
that little turkey treat.
You give a dog a turkey--
"Here, here's a turkey treat."
That dog'll be like, "What?!"
"You want to bury a body or something?"
[laughs] That fucking dog will bury
a body and won't say shit
for a turkey treat.
Motherfucker'll be just digging,
"Is this deep enough?"
"Just let me know. Just let"
"You got those turkey treats, right?
You got those turkey fuckin' treats?"
"We'll bury two bodies. We're fucking
taking everybody out tonight."
Bill Murray has
the best quote in the world.
Bill Murray has the best quote.
Bill Murray says,
"I don't trust a man
that doesn't like a dog,
but I trust a dog
that doesn't like a man."
-What?!
-[audience cheers]
Bars!
Bars!
And you know that's right.
Dogs live on a different energy.
They're on another frequency.
You ever-- You ever--
You ever bring someone
to your house for the first time
and your dog's never met that person?
And right when they walk in,
your dog's like, "Who is this?!"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?"
"Who are you? Who are you?"
"Stop it, stop it." "Fuck that shit!"
"Who are you, dude?"
"Who are you, dude?
Who are you, dude? Who are you, dude?"
"Get over there. Get over--"
"What the fuck?!"
"Who is this guy? Who is this guy?"
"Who is this guy? Who is this guy?"
"Sit down." "Fuck this shit!"
"Fuck this shit!"
[audience cheers]
Then that person leaves the house.
And what does everyone do?
We all gather around the dog.
"Oh, my God."
"What was wrong?" [gruffly]
"I don't know, something about him."
"I don't like him.
You didn't smell that shit?"
And you never invite that person
to your house again.
You don't even trust that person at work.
'Cause your dog indirectly told you,
"That dude is fucked up."
And you know I'm right.
You know why I'm right?
Same dog, different person.
First time coming to the house,
your dog reacts different.
"Oh, my God. What's your name?"
"You like that?
Look at that. Look at that."
"You like that? Look."
"Yeah!" [laughs]
"Look at that. Look at that."
"Here, this is my toy.
This is my toy. This is my toy."
"This is my toy. This is my toy!"
[laughing] "This is my toy.
This is my toy! This is my toy!"
"There's another toy.
There's another toy. There's another toy."
"There's ano-- I got two toys."
"I got two toys. I got two toys."
[laughing] "I got two toys!"
"I got two toys!"
"I got two toys! I got two toys."
"I got two toys."
"I really like you. I really like you."
"I really like you. I really like you."
"I really like you.
I really like you. I really like you."
"I really-- I really like you."
[grunts]
"I really like you."
"Look in my eyes."
"Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes."
"Look in my eyes!"
And I know there's people in here going,
"Dogs are expensive, Jo.
Not everyone can get a dog."
Well, then, stop buying Gucci dogs.
Why are you buying name-brand dogs?
"Oh, but I want
a Labradoodle st-- retriever."
"I want a Labraboo-- boodle shepherd."
"Hyper-allergen-- allergenic."
"It's gonna be $4,000
'cause they only have 'em in Kentucky
and they have to fly it here first class."
What the fuck?
Go to the shelter tonight.
[audience cheers]
Go to the shelter right now.
There's about 300 dogs
waiting for a new home.
They can't wait.
You just point at them. "You, let's go."
That dog's gonna be like,
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
"Want to change my name?"
"You got a turkey treat? You can change
my fucking name, I don't care."
We got two dogs, right?
But Kingston was the first one,
and we got him at a shelter.
And my son was 10.
My son's 22 now,
so we've had him 12 years.
But we don't know how old he was
when we got him.
Because he looked old as fuck.
He had a gray goatee.
He was weird-looking.
That's another thing
about the shelter dog.
No one knows what the fuck they are.
It's-- It's something.
They always go like, "Uh, it's a mix."
[laughs]
"What do you mean, a mix?"
"Like, some shepherd"
[chuckles]
"Fucking
wolf."
"It was a wolf."
[laughs] "There's a wolf
and shepherd and poodle."
'Cause Kingston is
Like, if-- when you see
Kingston, it's weird.
But he's-- he's so cute.
He's adorable, right?
He's got a big ass. All right?
And then he's-- Black fur, right?
And his front legs are short,
but his back legs are big.
Right? So he--
It's like a fucking low rider.
Just fuckin'
Right? Then he's got
the gray goatee and a thick mane.
He just has a mane.
Like, no one can explain where the--
But it's a mane. Like a lion's mane.
And I remember,
we didn't know how old Kingston was
'cause he had the gray goatee.
And I asked the lady at the shelter,
I go, "How old is he?"
"Before my son gets attached,"
you know what I mean?
"And then, like, you know,
two weeks later, he's dead."
"I don't want to do that to my son."
And-- [chuckles] And she goes, "Mmm."
"You know, we really don't know
how old he is."
"But he's really sweet."
"He is a sweet dog."
"You're really gonna love Kingston."
"And you're-- You can get
some free toys. He loves toys."
And we got the toys,
and we started walking out.
And she stopped us again. She goes,
"I just want to let you know
a little story about Kingston."
[chuckles]
"Yeah? You should have
told me the story before I"
[laughs] Right?
This bitch waited till I signed the papers
and bought a year's supply
of fucking food.
"By the way, there's, uh, a disclaimer."
[mock sighs]
"Um, he's a bit of a runaway."
"I'm sorry, what do you mean, a runaway?"
"Well, this isn't his first family
to take him."
"And he usually ends up here."
"And, um" [chuckles]
"But he's so sweet."
"He's so sweet."
And my son was like,
"Dad, I really want Kingston."
So we left.
And like I said, that was 12 years ago.
And, um Kingston has been running away
for fucking 12 goddamn years.
This motherfucker
has been breaking out like Prison Break
every goddamn day.
He's got a secret little flashlight
that's on top of his head.
And just every time he goes out,
he just digs a fucking hole.
And just takes off.
And we gotta find him.
He's gone for three fucking days.
I'm sorry to curse,
but it's so goddamn annoying.
Because he has free medical now.
Like, you know what I mean? I
Like, you don't want
free medical and free food?
He just leaves.
And we live in the mountains.
Everyone-- Everyone always goes,
"Oh, you should get the GPS."
We do have a GPS, but he just runs.
Like, we'll get to the woods, and then,
all we can do is just stand there.
And just watch fucking him running
with the goddamn coyotes.
"I'm free!"
[chuckles]
And he'll be gone for three days.
By the way, my-- Kingston just ran away
like about-- Four months ago, Jo?
Like four months. Got out.
Someone left the goddamn front gate open.
Took off. Right?
And then he was gone again.
And I'm like, "God damn it!"
And-- And-- And I remember yelling.
Like, it's just to the point
where I-- I'm like, fuck it. I'm like
[laughs]
"Don't come back!"
I said something like that.
[laughs]
Ask my son.
"Don't come back!"
"You don't like carrots?!"
'Cause his food comes
with carrots. [laughs]
"You want to eat deer shit?
Then eat deer shit!"
"Have a nice bowl
of ground turkey and carrots,
and you don't want it? Then leave!"
"You have a fucking
salon appointment tomorrow."
[laughs]
Fucking gone three days.
Then he comes back skinny. Just like
"Oh, man. Hey."
"Sorry about that. Sorry, man. Ha."
"I had to get out. I had to get out.
I had to get out. Sorry about that."
"Sorr--" [laughs]
The fucking asshole.
Skinny "You got them turkey treats?"
"You got them turkey treats?"
"Yeah, I got the fucking turkey treats."
"You're not gonna believe
what I saw out there."
"What did you see?"
"Fucking dogs with horns
on their heads and shit."
It's a deer, asshole.
[laughs]
I don't know how he doesn't die,
but I think the mane protects him.
'Cause coyotes kill dogs
all the time on my mountain.
I swear to God, we hear it all the time.
[mimics coyotes grunting]
[mimics dog squealing]
And we have the little dog, Wynnston.
Wynnston's like
[in English accent] "Oh, my God."
"What in the hell is that?
What kind of party is that?"
"Those dogs are vicious."
[normally] And Kingston's like,
"No, they're cool. I've been with them."
[laughs]
He just always runs away.
Always runs away.
And ends up right back,
same spot. [chuckles]
It's the same fight
between Wynnston and Kingston.
Every time Kingston comes back
three days later,
Wynnston's like,
"Where the fuck have you been?"
"Where the fuck have you been?
Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?
Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?"
"Where have you been?"
He's like, "Yo, back the fuck up."
"You're the reason
why I run away all the time."
[chuckles]
"Let me taste your dick.
Let me taste your dick."
"Let me taste your dick!"
[grumbles] "Here. There.
There, are you happy?"
[grunts]
"Oh, he's fucking coyote pussy again!"
"He's fucking coyote pussy again!"
[mock gags]
"You're sick. You're a sick--"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Let me smell your asshole.
Let me smell your asshole."
"God damn it, here! Fucking smell it!"
"Fucking smell it!"
[sniffs] "Oh, he takes it both ways!"
[mock gags] "You sick fuck!"
See how you don't have time
to worry about bad shit if you have a dog?
Look, this is really what I go through.
Halloween is hilarious.
Halloween, we dress the dogs up, right?
But Kingston, he's older, we respect him.
His Halloween costume was a
'Cause he likes to wear a harness,
we found a-- a harness
that looked like a saddle.
And on that saddle
was a little, tiny jockey.
And he'd just walk around the house,
and this jockey's just like
And we would laugh every time he'd walk.
Then trick-or-treaters
started knocking on the doors,
and we started giving out
the candy, right?
And then we'd open up the door,
and Kingston was like,
"I need to fuck some coyotes!"
And he fucking took off.
And we all were like, "No, Kingston!"
And then we all started laughing
at the same time,
because the jockey looked like this,
"Stop him!"
[laughs]
And he was gone for three days,
just walking around the mountain
with this sh--
this fucking jockey on his back.
And I remember,
every day we were laughing, like
'Cause if you could only imagine
what the raccoons, and the coyotes,
and the deer, just looking
at this-- this dark-- [laughs]
this dark animal with a--
with a white dude on its back just
And then three days later,
he came back just skinny again,
like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that."
The fucking jockey was just, like,
bear-hugging him from underneath.
"Does anyone know who this is?
I've been pissing on him for three days."
Can't do the things that I used to do.
You know what I mean?
I fucked around a lot.
I was bad. I was a bad kid.
Fucking bad.
Until my stepdad,
until my mom got married
to Sergeant Fred Harrison.
And that's why, like,
people in blended families,
-God bless you, because
-[scattered applause]
There-- Yeah, like, it's-- it's a hard job
to be in a blended family but
[audience cheers and applauds]
but I needed it.
I needed Sergeant Fred Harrison.
This motherfucker was
from the mountains of West Virginia.
Six-foot-four. Big motherfucker.
Served two tours of Vietnam.
Two Purple Hearts, two Bronze Stars,
and a CIB badge.
He's a bad motherfucker.
[audience applauds]
And I needed him.
To this day, I still make my bed.
You can come to my hotel right now,
my bed is perfectly made.
That's Sergeant Fred Harrison.
"Fix your bed!"
"A messy bed is a messy head."
He used to say that to me all the time.
And to this day, I still fix my bed.
To this day,
anywhere I'm at, I fix my bed.
And that's 'cause Sergeant Fred Harrison.
Rest in peace. I love him.
[audience cheers]
But he was from the mountains
of West Virginia,
and he lied on his application.
He was 17 when he fought in Vietnam.
He lied.
And-- There's pictures all over the house.
There's pictures of him in the hospital
when he was just a kid, 17!
I used to ask him all the time,
like, "Why'd you lie, Fred?"
"Why'd you lie to go fight this war?
You were 17."
And he just looked me right in the face,
he goes, like,
"You ever shit in the snow before?"
"No, I never shit in the snow before."
"Yeah, exactly.
You don't know what that is."
"We didn't have central plumbing."
"We lived in the mountains
of West Virginia."
"We had outhouses.
We had to dig holes in the snow."
"You ever hold your shit
and hit a block of ice with the shovel,
and-- and-- and shit fly out your ass?"
"No, Fred, I've never taken a shit
while holding a shovel."
"Exactly."
"That's why I joined the military."
"All my uncles died in the coal mines."
"I wasn't gonna go work in the coal mines.
My daddy died in the coal mines."
"I ain't working in the coal mines.
I j-- I joined the military."
And that's what he did. 17, he went.
Fought his first-- He-- His first tour,
and he got hit.
Shrapnel, all up his right side.
You see the pictures, it's crazy.
Just his whole right side
just scarred, up and down.
And that's when he got
his first Purple Heart
and his first Bronze Star.
And I don't know who gives it to him
[audience cheers]
I don't know who gave it to him.
Let's just say the major came
and gave it to him,
gave him a Bronze Star,
and gave him a Purple Heart.
The major looked at him, was like,
"Thank you, soldier, for serving
this country. You free to go home."
And he looked at him and went,
"You ever shit in the snow before?"
"No, I've never shit in the snow before.
I don't know what that has to do with"
"Exactly. Put me back in."
He went through a whole year
getting better,
and then they put him back in
at, like, I think, 18 and a half.
He went back in,
and that's when he got hit by a sniper,
entry wound right here
above his right shoulder.
The entry wound was the size of a dime.
His whole shoulder
just blown out like this.
That's how they put his arm back together.
I guess the same guy that put his arm
back together did my teeth.
But that's how his arm was.
The rest of his life,
his arm just dangled like that.
And I remember that's when they gave him
his second Purple Heart
and his second Bronze Star,
and then his CIB badge.
-And that's the one he was like
-[audience applauds]
[cheers]
That's the one where he said,
"When you bury me, Bubba, you make sure--"
"I don't care about the Purple Hearts
or the Bronze Stars."
"You put that CIB badge on me."
"That's the one you bury me with,
you hear me?"
And I was like, "Yeah, Fred, I got you."
And we did.
We put that on his chest.
-And, um
-[audience applauds]
And, um
And now, whoever,
the major was like, "You free to go home."
"Thank you for serving
this co-- this country, soldier."
And Fred just looked at him
and was like, "Yeah, I don't think
I can, uh, wipe my ass right now."
And he went on to serve
22 more years for the U.S. Army.
[audience cheers]
And he retired young.
He retired at 39 years old.
He was just a young guy.
And then we all moved to Vegas
to be with my grandmother,
'cause my grandmother had, like,
terminal cancer, right out of high school.
Right when I was 18,
we all moved to Vegas.
And Fred, that-- We--
That was my only friend.
And he was-- he was my only friend,
and-- and I was his only friend.
And he had all this money.
He had like retirement, disability,
and all this-- all these checks.
And he's 39. You know?
One thing they didn't take care of
was-- was therapy, and he needed it.
Definitely needed it. Soldiers do need it.
And he would just walk around
and just gamble all the time.
And it'd be me, 18
And I was his only friend.
He would just drink. He'd just polish off
a-- a fifth of whiskey.
Be like, "Here you go. Drink that."
And I'm like, "I'm only 18, Fred."
He said, "I was 17 when I fought the war.
You can drink half that motherfucker."
I was like, "Yes, sir."
I started drinking it.
Get all fucked up.
Drank so many bottles of whiskey.
I think that's why I have the gout.
[laughs]
He would just fucking
That's all we did.
Keno and drink,
and that was my best friend.
And there was just one night
we got so fucked up.
And, uh, I was sitting on the floor,
and he was sitting on the couch.
And we were watching football.
And he got real deep.
He just hit me in the head
with the back of his foot.
I go, "What's up, Fred?"
He said, "I need to talk to you
real quick, Bubba."
"Oh, what's going on, Fred?"
He goes, "I just want you
to know that, uh,
you know, I love this family."
I go, "I know, Fred. We love you too."
"Yeah, I love your mama. I love you."
"I seen some shit, Bubba."
I go, "I know, Fred. I know."
"Two Purple Hearts,
two Bronze Stars, CIB badge."
"You know, I seen some shit."
-I go, "I know, Fred."
-[audience cheers]
"You ain't gotta tell me. I know."
"Yeah, I just want you to hear that, man."
"I lived a hard life."
I go, "I know, Fred. I know you did."
"Yeah."
"But I want you to know, Bubba,
ain't nothing harder
than living with your mama."
[chuckles]
And he wasn't lying.
He [laughs]
'Cause my mom didn't give a fuck
about the Purple Hearts
or the Bronze Stars or the CIB badge.
She just saw this 39-year-old guy
walking around spending his money.
And she's like, "Hey, you're acting
like the other arm is broken."
"You can get a job with the other arm."
And she made Fred become a mailman.
'Cause all my uncles were mailmen.
And again, Fred became a mailman.
And he worked for the Post Office
for another 20 years.
He was double retired.
And he hated that fucking job.
Every Christmas, he'd intentionally break
people's gifts. [mimics smashing]
"You broke my gift!"
"I don't have a motherfucking arm."
My best friend.
Loved everything about him.
He was.
I miss him. I really do.
And, um, you know, when
You know, he-- he was a huge Dodgers fan.
The one thing that he-- he never got to do
was get to go to a Dodgers game.
And I never had--
We didn't have the money.
And finally,
I had the money.
I could take him.
And this is a while ago,
but he was already a little sick.
You know, whatever it was
that was in Agent Orange or whatever,
it fucked his lungs up bad,
really, really bad.
And, um, now he's
on a breathing machine and
But I-- I was-- It was the NLCS,
and I got him tickets.
I got him the best fucking tickets,
four rows from the dugout.
And I called him. I was like,
"Fred, we're going. I'm taking you."
-"It's gonna be your first time."
-[audience cheers]
And his response,
it broke my heart, right?
And I'm gonna do it,
but remember,
I have to do the visual
or else you're not gonna understand
[chuckles]
how bad it was.
He was like [mimics respirator]
"You know, Bubba"
I have to.
[laughs]
I have to!
[mimics respirator wheezing]
"Bubba, I can't.
I can't go to the game, Bubba."
[mimics respirator]
"I can't go to the game with you, Bubba."
"You go ahead
and enjoy that game without me,
but I'll watch it on--"
[mimics respirator]
"I'll watch it on TV, and I'm just happy
that you" [mimics respirator]
"offered to take me to the game, Bubba."
[wheezes] "I really love you,
but I'm gonna have to stay--"
I was like, "Why not, Fred?
Why can't you go to the game?"
He's like, "Bubba, my-- my--"
[mimics respirator wheezing]
"My oxygen tank can only last
for about over-- like, about an hour,
hour and a half at the most."
"And those games go
about three hours long, Bubba, so"
[wheezes]
"So you just You enjoy that game, Bubba.
You know what I'm saying?"
"I'll watch it at home,
and I love you so much, Bubba."
"So I can't-- I'll just watch it at home.
I appreciate it."
I was like, "Fred, there's gotta be
something you can do."
And, like, like this,
he answered me so fast. He's like,
[wheezes] "Well,
there's this new portable machine
I've been looking at for a while."
"It's a portable machine,
it's all electric-based."
"It got a battery that make that oxygen go
about five and a half hours."
"That's all I really need is that"
[wheezing]
"to go about five and a half hours."
"You just give me one battery,
and I can-- I'll be able to watch"
[wheezing] "that game with you.
I swear to God, that's all."
"But you know, I can't get it right now,
'cause I'm waiting for my VA loan
to kick in." [wheezes]
"It hasn't come in yet,
so I can't afford that"
[mimics sucking air]
[exhales heavily] "I can't afford
to get that machine right now, Bubba,
so you just enjoy that game."
And I was like,
"No, Fred, I'm flying in early."
"We're going to the medical supply store,
and I'm gonna buy that machine for you."
"We're not gonna wait
for the VA loan to kick in."
[audience cheers]
And my son and I--
My son and I flew to--
We flew back to Vegas.
We took him to the medical supply store.
And-- And we went in, and I swear to--
He beelined right to the machine.
He was like, "That's it right there.
That's the one I need."
"That one go five and a half hours
right there."
"I just need the extended battery"
[mimics wheezing]
"and we can watch that whole game."
"I swear to God, I can't wait.
Let's go ahead and get that." [wheezes]
I was like, "Fred,
let's get two batteries."
He's like, "Now you're being excessive.
You know I don't need two batteries."
"I just need one battery,
enough to get me to the game
and right back home."
"You know I don't like people.
I don't even like people,
so let's just watch the game.
I just need one battery and get me home."
"That's all I" [mimics wheezing]
I was like, "All right."
"We'll get one battery and the machine."
We bought the battery and the machine.
We went home and plugged it in,
fully charged, and I took him to the game.
Remember, we had the best seats.
He had the ramp right here.
[audience cheers]
Just sitting there, four rows.
He was just sitting there and absorb--
Here, gimme the hat. Gimme the hat.
Gimme the hat, throw it. There you go.
[audience cheers]
And I remember we sat him down,
and he-- he had his hat. You know?
And I remember--
You know how they do. He was just like
Just sitting there. He had his
[mimics respirator]
"That's exactly what I thought
it would look like."
[wheezes]
And I was like,
"Like the bottom of a hat?"
"This is beautiful, Bubba."
[mimics respirator]
And, uh And we were sitting there.
NLCS, I'm sitting
right next to my guy Fred, and, um
And that was
the first time in NLCS history
that a game went 18 innings.
His battery started blinking
at inning ten.
Now his hat was up here.
Face is just blue.
And he was conserving every breath,
just like
[sputters]
[inhales slowly]
[sputters]
[inhales slowly]
I was like, "Fred, let's go."
He's like, "Don't--" [laughs]
"Don't you touch me, Bubba.
I swear to God."
[mimics respirator]
"I waited my whole life
to watch this game."
[mimics respirator]
"And I'm not gonna leave."
Blue in the face!
Every inning, I kept yelling.
I'm like, "Someone hit the fucking ball!"
[voice breaking] "Hit the fucking ball!"
"He served two tours in Vietnam."
"And he's gonna die
at a fucking Dodgers game!"
"Hit the fucking ball!"
[mimics gasping]
[wheezes]
[croaking]
[chuckles]
Eighteenth inning
[mimics bat cracking] walk-off.
We win.
My son jumps up.
"Yeah, let's go!"
I'm hugging my son. "Let's go!"
My sister's husband,
"Yeah, let's go Dodgers!"
We start screaming.
All three of us forgot about Fred.
All of us!
Fred's over there like this. [groans]
[groans desperately]
[shrieks]
We fucking put him in the wheelchair.
We're wheeling him down to the--
the dugout, the dugout restaurant.
[garbled grunting]
[grunts]
[chuckles] We plug his machine in.
And he was like [mimics respirator]
"I knew they gonna win. I swear to God!"
"I swear to God,
if you woulda took me out that game,
I would have killed all three
of you motherfuckers, I swear to God."
[audience applauds]
All three of us were looking at him
like a-- like a fucking--
like we're looking at a ghost.
Like, "Fred, we thought
you were gonna die."
"You were blue in the face."
And he just Without skipping a beat,
he just looked at us and went,
[mimics respirator]
"I was Dodger blue in the face."
[audience cheers]
I love you, Stockton.
Thank you so much, man.
[audience cheers wildly]
[crowd cheers]
[Jo] Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Dodgers win!
["The Choice Is Yours (Revisited)"
by Black Sheep plays]
Here they come, yo, here they come
Here they come, yo, here they come
This or that? This or that?
[woman] Kingston, what did you do?
What is on his head?
-This or that? This or that?
-Yo, come on!
Who's the black sheep?
What's the black sheep?
Know not who I am
Or when I'm coming, so you sleep
[in sing-song] Jo Koy just got
a new Amp'd Mobile phone.
It's pay-as-you-go.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah [audio fades]
Back, middle, to the front
Don't front
Wanna good time
Gonna give you what you want
Can I hear a hey?
Can I get a yo?
You got a 'hat? It's for the hoes
The styling is creative
Black sheep of the Native
Can't be violated
Or even decepticated
Guess which way, what, when, how
Know you heard the others
Phonies to the lovers
Then of course, the choice is yours
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
I think you'll go with this
'Cause this is where it's at
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
You can get with this
Or you can get with that
I think you'll get with this
'Cause this is kinda phat
Where's the black sheep?
Here's the black sheep
Even if we wanted to, the flock