Joan Rivers: A Dead Funny All-Star Tribute (2025) Movie Script
1
-The first time I saw Joan,
I'm positive,
was on the Johnny Carson show.
-Would you welcome
Miss Joan Rivers?
-When I was born,
my mother looked at me,
looked at the afterbirth
and screamed, "Twins!"
-Her style of humor
was just extraordinary.
-Can we talk?
It looks like I've been
machine-gunned by a Smurf.
-She could get away
with anything.
-All I ever heard growing up
is,
"Why can't you be like
your cousin Sheila?
Why can't you be like
your cousin Sheila?"
Sheila had died at birth.
And I just --
[ Laughter ]
Let me tell you,
I don't give a...
if you're white or black
or yellow or green,
as long as you can do my hair.
-She would come out here
and sit in this chair
and say some things
that were unbelievable.
-Joan Rivers here.
And don't feel bad
if you recognize the name,
but not the face.
I just got this one
two weeks ago.
Why are you wearing Betty
White's [bleep] on your head?
She looks like John Travolta
when Kelly Preston
is away working.
I mean...
-Oh!
-Underneath it,
you know that hardcore bitch
has a soft, chewy center.
-Talk about guts.
A real pioneer for other women.
-She's a beacon
of success and determination.
-Joan Rivers to comedy
was Don Rickles to comedy.
Period.
-What Joan means to me
is freedom.
Freedom for women
to say whatever they want.
-She was a hero of mine.
I just remember thinking,
like, "Wow,
she really doesn't care at all."
-Describe Joan in one word.
Well, I can't do that
because there's not one word
that encompasses funny,
brave, and pioneer.
-We became friends,
and I love her.
And I miss her.
And I will see her again.
- Hallelujah
Hallelujah
- Your faith was strong,
but you needed proof
-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Stop singing.
[ Record scratches ]
Stop playing the piano.
Just stop it!
This is not how we are
honoring Joan Rivers.
Y'all not even dressed right.
She would be offended
right now seeing this.
And what y'all doing
with all these candles?
Y'all brought that from home?
What is it, Hanukkah already?
No, it's not.
Turn your candles off.
This is ridiculous.
This is not
how we gonna celebrate her.
First of all,
we're going to laugh.
Okay? We got an amazing show.
We got Rachel Brosnahan,
Nikki Glaser, Patton Oswalt.
Chelsea Handler is here.
This isn't a funeral, guys.
It's a celebration, all right?
So, uh, Doogie Howser,
go ahead and play my music.
Oh, you don't know?
Okay.
Somebody play my music.
Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila, hey
Venismecha
Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila, hey
Venismecha
All right, y'all follow me,
okay?
- Just Blaze
- Hava neranena
Hava neranena
Hava neranena, hey
Venismecha
Let's party for Joan
for life
They call me Tiffany
and I'm here tonight
To tell y'all about a girl
from Prospect Heights
This queen did a thing
on the microphone
To split your side
like a kidney stone
She had jokes for this,
she had jokes about that
About the young, old,
skinny, and fat
Celebrities
and their stupid clothes
And all the surgeries
on their nose
So everybody here
at the Apollo
We got some funny people
that you can't follow
The jokes are wrong,
but they feel so right
Are y'all ready to laugh
for Joan Rivers tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mazel tov.
Mazel tov and l'chaim.
Now come on, we're going
to talk about your outfits.
Come on.
Doogie,
meet me in the back.
[ Applause ]
-Please welcome Patton Oswalt.
-Thank you.
Thank you, sir. Oh, my goodness.
Good evening. Thank you for --
Yes, it's me, Patton Oswalt.
That's right.
Who else were they going
to get on a night to honor
Joan Rivers, feminist
trailblazer, Jewish icon,
fashion's acid-tongued
demon princess?
The reason I'm here is that
while Joan Rivers was so good
at so many things,
I always think of her as
a once-in-a-lifetime
stand-up comedian,
you know, and she was funny.
But more than that,
she was prolific.
Over her career,
she wrote 70,000 jokes.
70,000 jokes.
That's an unreal level
of output.
Even if you account for how much
better cocaine was in the '80s.
I did three rails backstage.
I'm getting nothing right now.
Joan's jokes were pure.
They were set up, punchline.
No meandering stories.
All meat, no filler.
And we know that because Joan
saved all 70,000 of her jokes
in a big filing cabinet.
She was organized too,
which is weird.
Comedians are never organized.
My jokes are written
on Burger King wrappers
and colonoscopy receipts.
Like, I am not organized
in any way.
But even though Joan is gone,
we still have the filing cabinet
full of jokes.
That is a piece of
American history.
With 70,000 jokes,
you can really tell
how Joan saw the world.
And what a world she lived
through.
She lived through
the space race.
That's why she has 22 jokes
about astronauts.
She also lived through disco,
which is why there are
140 jokes about Cher.
"Cher --
Cher is so thin,
she broke into show business
with the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders as a baton."
[ Laughter ]
It's not all A-plus,
but listen, 70,000, okay?
In her 70,000 joke archive,
there are four jokes
about Hitler,
there are 34 jokes
about Richard Nixon,
and 866 jokes
about Elizabeth Taylor.
So there you go, folks.
History's greatest monster,
Elizabeth Taylor.
She wrote so many jokes,
you can actually chart
the course of world history.
"Joan of Arc wasn't a tramp?
Her last words were,
'Hi, soldier, got a match?'"
[ Laughter ]
She --
Too soon? All right.
She had jokes
about George Washington.
"You don't hear about George
Washington's nutty sister,
who had a wooden IUD."
[ Laughter ]
Joan may have been gone
for 10 years now,
but her jokes were so good
that they will live on forever.
Her influence as a comedian,
as an entertainer,
and as a true iconoclast
will be felt for generation
after generation.
She's dead,
but she's still here.
218 jokes about death,
by the way.
"When I die, I know what
they'll say about my funeral.
'It's the first time
a man ever approached her
when she was lying down.'"
Thank you, Joan,
and thank all of you.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-These are all my jokes.
These are jokes
over the last 30 years.
These are just...
Every time I write a joke, I try
to remember to get it on a card.
"Why should a woman cook?
So her husband can say,
'My wife makes a delicious cake'
to some hooker?"
And you wonder why
I'm still working at this age.
Everywhere you look,
there are jokes.
Everywhere,
jokes to be filed.
Jokes to be written.
Jokes that I thought
of something.
I mean, my life is just...
...jokes.
-Coming up,
Rachel Brosnahan,
Chelsea Handler,
and a special performance
from Nikki Glaser.
-She let other sixes
like me know
that if you're funny enough,
people might treat you
like an eight.
[ Laughter ]
-Joan's voice echoes in my head
when I get asked to do, like,
"Dancing With the Stars"
or "Masked Singer"
or "Celebrity
American Ninja Warrior."
Like, embarrassing things
I've done on TV,
I blame Joan
because I always go,
"Joan would have done it.
Joan wasn't too cool for this."
-Please welcome Nikki Glaser.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, everyone.
I'm Nikki Glaser,
and I am so incredibly honored
and grateful to be here tonight
to honor Joan Rivers.
What a dream.
First, not to make this weird,
but I just want to talk
about something that I actually,
um, isn't easy for me to admit,
and I've only actually
recently gone public with it.
But about five years ago,
I went to the doctor
for a routine checkup,
and they told me that they found
some early signs of aging.
And, um...
[ Laughter ]
Thank you so much.
It really is the silent killer.
I always knew
it would happen, you know?
You know, you're going to age,
but, I don't know,
there's just a part of you
when you're a young girl
that kind of thinks, like,
"Maybe I won't," you know?
Like maybe science is
going to come out with something
that's going to freeze me
at this age forever.
And they did,
but until I can get my hands
on one of those suicide pods,
I'm telling you, I have to --
[ Laughter ]
I have to keep going to see
Dr. Diamond in Beverly Hills.
And if I mention him,
I do get a discount, so.
In her jokes, Joan left behind
such crucial wisdom
and harsh truths
about the aging process
that you really
usually don't uncover
until you're jacking up
the font size on your phone
to take a perimenopause quiz.
I remember being in my 20s
when I first heard Joan's joke
about her aging vagina,
in which
she described viscerally
that waking up one morning, she
looked down and she wondered,
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?
And why is it gray?"
[ Laughter ]
And it stuck with me, right?
Because I was in my 20s
and I did not understand
that joke at the time.
I remember thinking like, "Oh,
that's just a her problem,"
right?
But man, does that joke hit
different today.
Dude, I took a gander
at mine the other day.
And by the way,
taking a gander is what you do
when you look at things
in your 40s.
You gander at them.
So the other day,
I gave my howdy do
a little looky loo, and I --
I swear to God,
it legit looks like
it has two gauged ear lobes.
Like, that is
what's happening down there.
It's true.
When I wear tight jeans, I don't
even have camel toe anymore.
I have basset hound head.
It's -- It's falling.
And Joan told me it would.
It's not just down there either.
It's up there.
She warned me about
these future zucchini implants.
Her words, not mine.
Joan once said "I took
my bra off at a nude beach today
and accidentally clubbed
two baby seals."
Oh, my God.
They're propped up tonight,
but I relate to that, dude.
Oh, my God.
The other day my boyfriend
had to go down on me
just to feel me up.
It's bad. They're dropping.
I understand that joke now.
Like, I get it.
My cup size has changed
since I've aged.
I used to be a D cup,
but now I'm a champagne flute
is, I think, what it is.
When I lay on my back,
I can literally put
my nipple in a headlock.
That's how...
[ Laughter ]
But if you look through
all of her jokes, she --
Joan had infinite jokes
about the way that she looked.
And maybe I'm projecting here,
but I really believe one
of the main reasons
Joan was so funny was because
she never felt pretty, you know?
Honestly,
I know that's why I do this.
And before you say like, "Nikki,
no, stop. You're so pretty"...
[ Laughter ]
I'll wait. I'll wait.
Okay. Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
But the thing was sure,
yeah, I am,
but Joan was pretty too.
But it doesn't matter
what the truth is.
It's how we feel
about ourselves.
Joan once said
that she was so ugly,
they awarded her vibrator
the Purple Heart.
And, like, you don't think of
that unless you think of that,
you know what I mean?
[ Laughter ]
Joan and I both
understood that from a young age
that if we were going to be
as adored as the beautiful women
that we envied,
we were going to have to
bring other things to the table,
right?
We'd have to make up for it
in some other way.
And that way was writing jokes
and plastic surgery.
That was what
we were going to do.
The only thing more shameful
than aging is admitting
that you might have done
something about it, right?
But Joan didn't care.
Joan did both.
She aged and did something
about it and told us about it.
She once said,
"I know a girl who had her bags
removed from under her eyes
and used them as bosoms."
[ Laughter ]
"Don't laugh. It was me."
And I love that joke.
My favorite part of that joke
is when she says,
"Don't laugh,"
because that's so real.
Because of course
Joan wanted us to laugh,
but, like, not too hard,
you know?
I'm saying this to help us all
understand Joan Rivers
a bit more.
This is what made Joan Rivers,
Joan Rivers.
You don't get to be that funny,
that bold, that smart
when you like yourself.
You know? You can't be funny
with self-esteem.
You're not Martin Short,
you know?
Sure, it's sad
that Joan never fully understood
how beautiful she truly was.
But at the same time,
I'm kind of glad
that she didn't, you know?
Because she let other sixes
like me know
that if you're funny enough,
people might treat you
like an eight.
And recently, I was complaining
about aging in Hollywood
and my friend, to make
me feel better, said
"Nikki, you don't need to worry
about aging.
You know, you're the next
Joan Rivers."
And of course,
that was meant as a compliment
but didn't feel like one,
you know?
Like when people tell me
I look exactly like my dad.
But truly being compared
to Joan --
What a gift.
It was actually the greatest
compliment I could ever ask for.
Because I do want to be
like Joan.
I want to make people laugh
by speaking the unspeakable.
I want to turn pain into joy.
I want to be a bad mom.
I...
[ Laughter ]
But most of all, just like Joan,
I want to keep working up
until the very end
so I can die doing what I love.
Undergoing a risky
surgical procedure.
Thank you, Joan.
We love you.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Vaginas drop.
No one tells you this.
Vaginas drop.
I woke up three weeks ago --
This is a sad story.
[ Laughter ]
I woke up three weeks ago
and I went,
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?
And it's..."
[ Laughter ]
"And why is it gray?
It is --"
[ Laughter ]
-Please give a warm welcome to
the marvelous Rachel Brosnahan.
-Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
I am so honored
to be here tonight
to celebrate Joan Rivers.
She was one
of the pioneering comedians
I studied to shape Mrs. Maisel
on "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Of course, over her career,
Joan wrote
nearly 70,000 jokes
that touched on thousands
of topics.
And obviously, we can't
get to all of them tonight,
but I thought it would be
kind of fun
if we picked four categories
at random
and you, the audience,
can decide which one we cover.
Yeah?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, I'll read some categories.
You choose the one
that you like
by cheering as loudly
as you can.
And then I will deliver
as many of Joan's jokes
as I can in 60 seconds.
How does that sound?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. All right, here we go.
Four random categories.
I have actually not seen these.
Socioeconomic theory.
[ Laughter ]
Baroque architecture.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Okay. Tort law.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
And last but not least,
vaginas.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm -- I'm pretty sure
it was tort law, right?
No? Please? Okay. All right.
You know,
I expected so much more of you.
All right, here we go.
Joan's finest vagina jokes
in 60 seconds.
Hit it.
"My gynecologist does jokes.
Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix."
"I've had so many
yeast infections,
if I sit out in the sun
too long, I start to rise."
"You know what's sad?
My vagina is just like MySpace.
It was popular in the '90s,
but now nobody wants
to go there."
"Her vagina is so dry
she can start a fire
by rubbing her legs together."
"My gynecologist does jokes.
He puts his ear to me and goes,
'I can hear the ocean.'"
"I call my G-spot Amelia Earhart
because nobody looks for it
anymore."
"Before I go
to the gynecologist,
I shower, I douche,
I shower, and I douche again.
Then I try a few breath mints.
Sometimes they fall out.
And why?
Because you want to feel fresh
when you're being humiliated."
"My gynecologist is so cheap, he
doesn't even have an exam table.
He just asks me to undress
and do a somersault."
"The only good thing
about loud vagina farts
is that they scare away
the crabs."
"I have a Jewish gynecologist.
Once a year,
he gives me a pap shmear."
"He is so crude, he starts
the examination screaming,
'What a dump!'"
"Suzanne's twat is so dry,
senior citizens go there
to retire."
"My gynecologist takes out
his mirror and says,
'May I show you to your womb?'"
I'm pretty sure they let me
run over 60 seconds.
But thank you very much.
Thank you all.
Thank you to Joan.
Thank you all
for being here tonight.
I hope that you
and your vaginas enjoy the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Coming up, Rita Wilson,
Joel McHale,
and Aubrey Plaza.
-You don't have to laugh.
It can be awkward silence
if you want.
[ Laughter ]
-Here are some great jokes
from Joan Rivers,
the great Joan Rivers.
These are from her files.
Wow, that's pretty great.
-Well, number one that
I remember from being a kid,
"I knew I was unwanted
when my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio."
-"Michael Jackson has a dog.
It follows him
to the plastic surgeon,
then waits around for scraps."
-"I went to a gay wedding
and instead of rice,
they threw Froot Loops."
Classic.
-"I don't think
my parents liked me.
My parents didn't want me.
They once gave me a plastic bag
for my birthday and they said,
'Pretend it's a space helmet.'"
-"Preparing a Jewish dinner
is very simple.
All you need is the phone number
of the nearest
Chinese restaurant."
That still works. Still works.
-Please welcome Joel McHale.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
It's an honor.
I actually had the pleasure of
working at E! at the same time
Joan was hosting her show
"Fashion Police."
Yeah, well, no one really has
the pleasure of working at E!
It's where
mid-level celebrities are sent
to fulfill community service
for public intoxication.
Ryan Seacrest, noted drunk.
Anyway, nonetheless,
I got to meet
and talk to
the legendary Joan Rivers,
and she was an absolute delight.
And she's not here
to correct me,
so I'll just say she felt
the exact same way about me.
Joan died in 2014.
Yep, I just heard someone gasp.
Which means you're
just finding out now.
I'm so sorry that you
are learning this way, Melissa.
Uh, I thought somebody
had told you.
I'm so, so sorry.
Joan's passing means
that a legendary
comedic voice missed out
on the past 10 years
of human history.
To which I can only say
Joan, you lucky bitch.
She died without ever having
to hear the words "Joe Exotic."
We'll never know exactly what
Joan would have said
about the events
of the past decade,
and even imagining what she
would have said would be craven,
callous, and opportunistic.
So let's do that now, shall we?
Yes.
Okay. What did Joan miss?
Ah, yes.
She missed the federal
legalization of gay marriage.
Yeah, and spoiler,
she also missed that
being overturned in mid-2025.
Back then, Joan said,
and I quote,
"I'm against gay marriage.
All my friends are gay,
it'll cost me a fortune
in wedding gifts."
[ Laughter ]
She's dead and still killing.
Yeah. Cancel her. Cancel Joan.
Cancel. Cancel. Cancel her soul.
No, I'm kidding, of course.
Joan was thrilled.
She was a huge
gay rights advocate,
and she was actually alive
when gay marriage
was legalized in California,
which is when she said this --
"Last night, California's ban
on same-sex marriage
was overturned,
as were most of the men
in San Francisco."
Cancel her now.
Cancel. Cancel her.
Yeah. Good.
Think about what
you're clapping for.
Uh, all right. Next up,
what did she miss?
Ah, [bleep] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah. No, no.
Can't do that either.
Next one?
Ah [bleep]
All right. Great.
Now I'm wishing
I had died 10 years ago.
Can we skip to something
more lighthearted, please?
There we go. COVID. Yes.
Could you even imagine
how Joan would have loved COVID?
This was a woman who was
jealous of homeless people
because she said they never
had to throw house parties.
[ Laughter ]
Really.
Plus, two years
of wearing a mask
would have saved her a ton in,
you know, upgrades, right?
Right.
So clearly Joan could see
the future
because look at this joke
from her joke file.
"I hope to God
no one repurposes my old jokes
for a TV special 10 years
after I'm dead.
But if they do,
they better get someone
really talented to do it --
like that delightful
clip show host, Daniel Tosh."
10 years gone and she can still
deliver a burn like no one else.
And like every great comedian,
she really did know
how to go out.
Joan, I love you wherever
you are, and I miss you.
And thanks for having me,
everybody.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Please welcome Randy Rainbow.
-Hi. What's up, New York?
Hello.
Now, you don't need me to tell
you Joan Rivers was a legend.
She was an innovator and
a feminist, and that's great.
But most importantly,
she was a gay icon, right?
That's the topic
they've assigned me tonight,
which is a little presumptuous,
but whatever.
I'll go with it.
Yes, to be a gay icon
is the most important thing
because that club is
the most exclusive.
But Joan was in because
she made us laugh at ourselves.
Of course, sometimes
she went a little overboard.
She did get on stage
and say things like,
"This guy was so gay,
he sprained both his wrists
just talking."
[ Laughter ]
Okay, that's offensive.
Ow.
Anyway, considering Joan's
gay icon status is firmly etched
in pearl --
We don't do stone.
That's basic --
I went through her
filing cabinet
and pulled out some
of her gayest jokes of all time.
Yes, they're right here.
Now, many were on point,
but some were just
so far out there that I thought
I would respond to them tonight
on behalf of the LGBTQ
plus plus plus smiley face emoji
community.
I'm calling it my gay rebuttal,
and I know Joan would
have had a field day with that.
Does that sound good?
Should we do that?
All right.
Here are some of Joan's jokes
that need some
hardcore gay rebutting.
Okay?
"King Kong was gay.
He climbed the Empire State
Building to sit on it."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you know, this one is
just historically inaccurate.
You know, everyone knows
that King Kong was a top.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned
about the Holland Tunnel.
[ Laughter ]
"Gays have made a lot
of progress.
They have their own bars,
their own parades.
My gay cousin rewrote
the gay version of the Bible.
The forbidden fruit is
a guy named Danny."
This one is obviously not true
because there was already
a gay version of the Bible.
It's called the Bible.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you know,
some guys who knew a guy
and a bunch of rules about
what you're supposed to wear
and eat -- that's very gay.
"At gay weddings,
they throw the rice underhand."
This appears to be
a sports reference,
and so I do not understand it.
So we'll move on.
But I think I do overhand.
We do overhand.
That feels more natural. Okay.
"Gay men love me
because I remind them exactly of
why they're not attracted
to women."
[ Laughter ]
That might be true a little bit.
I was pretty straight
until I saw Joan
in "The Muppets Take Manhattan."
It might have been Gonzo's nose,
I don't know,
but she was at least half right
on this one.
There were so many reasons
the gays loved Joan as much
as she loved us.
Her flawless delivery,
her delicious irreverence,
her glamour.
She was like if you mashed up
all the Golden Girls into one
and then sent it to Cher's
plastic surgeon
to make it look fierce.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But most importantly,
she made us laugh,
especially in the face
of fear and adversity.
There's a lot of that
these days.
She taught us, no matter what,
to always find the joke
and never take anything
too seriously.
She was a legend
and every kind of icon,
and I wish
that she were here tonight
so I could say it right
to one of her faces.
I'm sure she would tell me
to go fuck myself.
And that's why
we love Joan Rivers.
Love you, Joan.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Please welcome
Michelle Buteau.
-Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Oh, you guys look beautiful.
Tonight is all about
Joan Rivers.
And Joan Rivers was a real one.
She was a powerhouse
in the industry,
breaking down barriers
and opening doors at a time
where it was impossible
for women to be taken seriously.
And Joan was seriously funny.
She was a comedic inspiration,
and I've been a fan as long
as I can remember.
She was the queen of
dope one-liners
in a sequined blazer
and a brooch, honey.
Joan loved fashion.
She was a "fastonisha."
"Fastonisha."
Joan was a "fastonisha."
Is that how you say it?
[ Laughter ]
This is why we need more federal
funding for public education.
Joan was a "fastonisha."
[ Laughter ]
-You got this, girl!
-Oh, thank you.
Not the teleprompter trying
to break it up.
Too late, sis.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Joan loved fashion so much...
[ Laughter ]
...she hosted a show called
"Fashion Police."
And celebrities were more afraid
of the fashion police
than the actual police.
Joan's wit and integrity
paved the way for so many
of us female comedians.
Joan made it okay for women
to express really funny stuff
about motherhood, which I love.
She once said, "I enjoy Melissa
because she's fabulous.
She's into clothes and shoes
and spas.
She's like the gay son
I never had."
[ Laughter ]
I love this so much
because I am also a working mom.
I have -- Thank you.
It's a real job
that I don't get paid for.
I have the cutest, most special
5-year-old twins.
And thank God they're cute
because it'd be really hard
if they were ugly.
[ Laughter ]
What I love about Joan also
is that she wasn't shy
about her looks,
which is refreshing.
You know, she once said,
"The only man who can't wait
to get his hands
on a woman over 40
is a plastic surgeon."
[ Laughter ]
And we all know
she loved a nip tuck.
And you know what? So do I.
I love a little nip of whiskey
after I tuck my kids into bed.
[ Laughter ]
Out of everything Joan said,
there was one line
that always stays with me.
She said, "Always carry a
small sledgehammer in your purse
in case
you hit the glass ceiling."
Thank you, Joan,
for always leading the way
with your sledgehammer.
I would not be here tonight
without you.
Good night, everybody.
I hope your Medicaid
goes through.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-She was fearless.
I mean, she did not care
what anyone thought.
She's, like,
the epitome of a trailblazer.
She was the most badass,
you know,
female comedian that ever was.
-And now for a somber moment,
it's Aubrey Plaza.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Joan Rivers was a trailblazer,
yes, but let's be honest,
not all of her jokes
have stood the test of time.
Now, we've heard a lot
of tasteless jokes tonight,
but some of them are next level.
Some of them are
"Eeh, we're not supposed
to say that anymore."
So tonight,
I think it would be a good time
to lay a few of them
to rest forever.
Let's revisit some
of Joan's most
"Eeh, we probably shouldn't
say that anymore" jokes
one last time.
There are so many of them,
but let's just do a couple.
[ Somber music playing ]
Thank you, Henry.
"My Mexican maid is great,
but I wish she'd stop rimming
my toilet bowl with salt."
[ Laughter ]
"The morning after pill
isn't new.
It just used to be called
throwing yourself
down the stairs."
[ Laughter ]
You don't have to laugh.
It can be awkward
silence if you want.
If that feels good for you.
"I dated a homeless man.
In the subway after dinner,
I suggested
we go back to his place.
He said 'We're there.'"
[ Laughter ]
"A hint
while playing blackjack --
never say 'hit me'
if the dealer is Italian."
[ Laughter ]
You're sick. You're all sick.
I'm so sorry.
"There's a new dish
for Japanese bisexuals --
him-she."
[ Laughter ]
"My anorexic neighbor is
pregnant.
Finally, she's eating for one."
[ Laughter ]
Goodbye forever.
Except maybe...
"AOL is promoting
a Nazi makeover show filmed
at the Anne Frank House
called 'This Old Attic.'"
Anyway, those are just a few.
But thank you, Joan.
I love you.
I hope you're enjoying hell.
I will see you there very soon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi. Can we talk?
Listen, this Saturday evening,
I will be joining QVC
to introduce my new Classics
Collection of fashion jewelry.
It's just beautiful.
And you are going to love it.
Oh, wrong way.
-Wrong way.
Joan, we're on.
-Oh!
-Oh, I like it.
It's yummy.
-It's yummy.
-You always keep me laughing.
-You're living all these years
making people laugh.
It's not a bad way
to make a living.
-Thank you. You just walked
in my shot, Rivers.
-Mwah, mwah.
Love you, mean it.
-Something old
and make it new.
And that's really -- Yes.
-Me. Me!
-How much do we love her?
How much do we love...
-Please welcome Rita Wilson.
-Hello. I loved Joan Rivers.
How could you not love a woman
who did so much,
who worked so hard and
who made so many people laugh?
Joan really knew
how to sell a joke.
Actually,
she knew how to sell everything.
She built $1 billion empire
on QVC with her jewelry,
clothing, beauty products,
and she had fun doing it.
I'd like to honor Joan tonight
by doing something
she was so very good at --
selling you stuff
that you definitely don't need.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Joan Rivers ]
Hello, I'm Rita Wilson,
and boy, do we have a deal
for you today.
For the first time ever,
you can be the proud owner
of Joan Rivers' jokes.
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
how exciting is that?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to own the jokes
that tell the Joan Rivers story.
Jokes like...
"I was a dog in high school.
I told my father
a boy wanted to take me out,
and he said,
'Not without a leash.'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That joke can
be yours if you call now.
A Joan joke is
the perfect gift for all ages.
In fact, kids love Joan's jokes.
Why? Because they're not only
funny, they're also educational.
"Marry for money.
I've always taught my daughter
that sex is the most beautiful,
meaningful thing
a woman can get paid for."
[ Laughter ]
"Tragedy plus time
equals a facelift."
[ Laughter ]
And Joan also asked
the tough questions like,
"What kind of soup
do you give to a sick chicken?"
[ Laughter ]
Let's go to the phones.
Do I have a call coming in?
It's -- Ah,
it's Christie from Wisconsin.
Hello, Christie.
How are you?
Are you ready
to place your order
for this incredible joke set?
-Hi, Rita. I think so.
I'm just worried that Joan was
so amazing and successful,
I won't be able to relate
to her material.
-Oh, Christine, I completely
understand your concern.
But believe it or not,
Joan was just like you and me.
Proof --
"I have ugly feet.
I try not to let it bother me.
After all, I have ten toes
like everyone else.
Seven on one foot,
three on the other."
[ Laughter ]
Call now. Joan's jokes.
Promo code --
"CanWeTawk."
That's "tawk" with a W,
naturally.
Operators are standing by,
but I'm not.
I have dinner plans.
Good night. Mwah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Joan.
-Please welcome Matteo Lane.
-Hi.
Hey. Hi, everyone.
So, you know, I'm a comedian,
and I thought I should
tell jokes tonight,
but in true gay fashion,
I thought maybe I'll sing a song
to honor Joan instead.
We are at the Apollo after all.
So, please, Henry Koperski --
Give it up for Henry
for being great, by the way.
I'd like to take a moment
To give a little toast
To the one
who started everything
And inspired me the most
A legend in her truest sense
I bow before her throne
I'm too emotional to speak
So let me sing this song
to Joan
You see, when I was young
I'd never seen
a gay man telling jokes
Wait a minute. Hold on.
I'm sorry.
An out gay man telling jokes.
We know who they are.
Okay.
So I'd watch
the closest thing I could find
Kathy Griffin
and Margaret Cho
And finally, when I was 21
I saw a special
that changed change my life
It was called "Before Melissa
Pulls the Plug,"
and Joan would literally take
giant plants
and give them to people
in the audience.
I was like, "Ooh, I need to see
more of this."
And that's when I knew
that my North Star was Joan
She walked on stage,
she was 72
With a fur around her neck
She opened up her mouth
to speak
And what she said,
I'll never forget
"If you're old,
get up and get out.
I hate old people,
I hate ugly people,
and I hate children."
And finally, I saw myself
in the art I'd like to hone
All because I knew
my North Star was Joan
I couldn't believe
that someone
Could be so powerful
on stage
She stayed true to her self
Her integrity,
no matter what age
I use that strength
and confidence
To get me through
those awful open mics
She was underrated,
an underdog
But she wouldn't get up
without a fight
Thank you to my North Star
Joan
[ Cheers and applause ]
Henry Koperski, everybody.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Still to come,
Tiffany Haddish
and Chelsea Handler.
-Joan Rivers is
probably the reason
that I'm in show business today.
When I started out in comedy,
the litmus test was
"The Tonight Show."
I could not, for the life of me,
get booked on
"The Tonight Show."
One night, Joan Rivers saw me
at the Comedy Store.
She said, "You're very funny,
young man.
Have you ever been
on 'The Tonight Show'?"
And I said, "No, but, you know,
this week's my birthday."
And she said, "Here's a number.
Call this guy."
And I called her manager
and she booked me that week
to be on "The Tonight Show."
She just saw me,
thought I was funny,
and booked me
on "The Tonight Show."
And that was my first time
on "The Tonight Show,"
which changed my life.
And Johnny saw me
on "The Tonight Show" with Joan,
liked me so much, and
brought me back the next week.
I ended up doing it 22 times.
-He's the Roastmaster General
carrying on
Joan's work
for the next generation.
Please welcome Jeff Ross.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello, everybody.
What's happening, comedy fans?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I loved her.
I loved her so much.
She changed comedy.
It was the Golden Globes, 1994.
That was the event
that Joan Rivers
first stormed the red carpet.
Armed with nothing
but a microphone
and a world-class wit,
Joan made Hollywood history
with one simple question --
"Who are you wearing?"
Then she'd look them up and down
and let them have it.
Millions of Americans began
tuning in to those pre-shows
just to see Joan speak
truth to star power.
And the world's
top designers flocked
to fit the biggest celebs just
to get their names mentioned.
But now, without Joan
to keep them grounded,
Hollywood has lost control
of its stars.
The stars have run amok.
Free to wear whatever
the hell they want,
no matter how ridiculous.
And the rest of us are expected
to just sit here
and say nothing.
So tonight, out of respect,
I won't ask who are you wearing?
But I will ask,
I wonder what Joan would
have said about this person?
Jada. Jada, can we talk?
Nobody wants
that much kale salad, honey.
[ Laughter ]
Yes.
This dress looks like a cry
for kelp.
And what about Sam Smith
at the Brit Awards last year?
Hey, Rocky,
where's Bullwinkle?
I imagine Joan just standing
there on the red carpet,
pretending to be in shock.
I love you, Sam, I love you.
You look like you're going to
a shiva for a butt plug.
I miss her. I miss her.
Billy Porter, amazing talent
and such a Broadway diva
that he's dressed
for his own curtain call.
And of course,
there's no bigger star
right now
than Ariana grand duvet cover.
Hey, at least
if that joke hurts her feelings,
she already has a comforter.
She's wearing it.
Anyway, I'm not a doctor,
but I count three polyps.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, Joan.
What would you have said
to this guy?
Jared Leto at the Met Gala.
Two heads, not a single thought
between them.
[ Laughter ]
Joan probably would have slapped
them both in the fucking face.
I love this next guy.
Dan Levy.
Did you see him host the Emmys?
He was great with his dad,
Eugene.
They were so funny together.
I got two words for you, Dan.
Less starch.
Is it a tie? Is it a napkin?
Is it necessary?
Frankly, this outfit blows.
Slightly to the left.
[ Laughter ]
And finally,
I wish Joan Rivers was there
when I was invited
to walk the runway
at Men's Fashion Week in Paris.
Joan would have looked at me,
she would have said,
"Who are you wearing?
Jewey Vuitton?"
"Who are you wearing?
Giorgio Salami?"
"Jeff, can we talk?
You really put the gout
in Jean Paul Gaultier."
Joan wasn't just the queen
of the red carpet.
She was the dictator.
She was feared and revered.
And to me,
she was a friend and a mentor.
And I'll never forget
when we finally roasted Joan,
it was a great show.
But Joan went up at the end
and schooled all of us.
She was the only person
I ever saw
be the funniest person
at their own roast.
And one word about Joan
and her heart.
This is a benefit
for God's love we deliver.
When I was a young comic,
I took care of my grandfather,
and a food service
would come by,
check on him,
and give him a hot meal
so that I could go out at night
and follow my dreams.
So the fact that you're
all here raising money
for such an important cause
means the world to me,
and it makes me love
Joan even more.
Long live the queen,
Joan Rivers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Two people that should
not be stopped in security --
two people --
gay men and Jewish women.
Gay men. I'm telling you,
there is no way in hell
a gay man can ever get
a bomb in his luggage.
There is no room.
[ Laughter ]
Shall I put the bomb in there,
or shall I take an extra sweater
just in case I meet somebody?
[ Laughter ]
And a Jewish woman --
No Jewish woman is going to
ever put a bomb in a Gucci bag.
Are you crazy? Excuse me?
You want me, Yetta Bernstein,
to put a bomb in my Gucci bag?
Do you know how many people
I had to [bleep]
to get that Gucci bag?
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome back to the stage,
Tiffany Haddish.
-Shalom, shalom.
Thank you, Doogie.
Thank you, thank you.
As you probably figured
out from the opening
of this tribute, I'm Jewish.
In fact, five years ago,
I was bat mitzvahed.
You don't just learn how to
be a real Jew in shul.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
Where I really learned
about living a Jewish life
was from studying Joan's jokes.
She gave me a master class
in Jew you
and how to never buy retail.
Nothing retail, baby.
From her jokes about
the perfect Jewish honeymoon,
I learned that all you really
need is a cruise, okay?
You lie in bed and the ship
does all the work, so.
Joan was a Jew
who loved Easter
so much she colored matzo balls.
Now, before that,
I thought matzo balls were right
below where the brischar is.
That's what I thought.
I didn't know it was a...
Anyways, Joan taught me
that Jews don't exercise.
The only time we bend down
and touch our toes
is to see
if we need a new pedicure.
No, I'm good.
I also learned about
dating Jewish men.
I learned if you date a Jewish
guy who's cheating on his wife,
he'll beg you
not to tell his mother.
And I learned that a nice Jewish
girl should date a perfect 10.
Which from Joan
was a 3 with money, okay?
Joan also was my rabbi
when it comes
to fashion and accessories
a Jewish girl like me
should wear.
Before her,
I had no fashion sense, okay?
From Joan,
I learned that Paris was
the fashion capital of Europe.
She said even the condoms there
are fashionably baggy.
And that's true
because they always fall off.
She --
[ Laughter ]
Thanks to Joan's jokes,
I learned that G in G-spot
stands for Gucci
and that you can't spell jewelry
without the letters J, E, W.
[ Cheers and applause ]
In her immortal words,
get jewelry
before you hit the sack
with the man.
A diamond comes from being under
a lump of coal for centuries.
A woman gets a diamond for being
under a man for 20 minutes.
So bottom line,
Joan and her jokes taught me
how to be a better Jew, a better
dresser, and a better comic.
Thank you, guys. Love you, Joan.
-Please welcome a showbiz
legend, Sandra Bernhard.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm so glad you can still
recognize me
after my most recent
surgical procedures.
Back in the day, when
I was just starting to perform,
I heard through the grapevine
that Joan had seen me
at the Ye Little Club
in Beverly Hills on Canon Drive.
I heard she said, "She's funny,
but if she doesn't get
a nose job,
she'll never make it
in this business."
I'm so glad I heeded her advice.
[ Laughter ]
I wrote a film script for Joan
and myself
called "Mixed Messages."
I was going to play
a free spirit artist
who had to move back home
in her 30s,
where Joan would play my mother,
a WASPy Jew who tries
to tame me.
And of course,
at the end we evolve together.
Of course,
the film never got made.
But years later we ended
up working together on a sitcom
where Joan did play my mother
and I have to
come and bail her out of jail.
So I'm sitting there,
I'm watching Joan,
and she's such a pro,
and she's sitting in her little
jail cell studying her lines.
And it struck me
that Joan had spent
her whole life breaking out
of societal prisons
and old notions of what it meant
to be a woman in comedy.
The late nights at the clubs,
convincing people she had
what it took,
exploring her strengths
as a writer, a producer,
battling the conceptions
of beauty and ageism.
She paved the way for women like
me to be their authentic selves.
So thank you, Joan,
for breaking all the rules
and making it just
a little bit easier
to be a funny woman
without compromise.
Here's to you, honey.
Thank you.
It's great to be at the Apollo.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hold on.
I have a bunch written down.
Let's take a peek.
-This one's titled
"Cleanliness."
Why would that be the first one
that I would pull out?
"Cleanliness."
-This is under politics.
"I'm sick of John McCain whining
about his torture
in a P.O.W. camp.
You try flying coach 11 hours
from L.A. to London."
-"Donald Trump is a leech.
His pick-up line is,
'You want to see Trump Towers?'"
-"I show up to orgies with
Handi Wipes."
You know, I know
that's supposed to be funny,
but when I read it,
it's just like a good idea.
-"I have no sex appeal.
Peeping toms look in my window
and pull down the shade."
[ Laughter ]
-The best.
-Coming up, Chelsea Handler
with a touching tribute to Joan.
-She was also a blonde Jew,
which is the third-rarest
kind of Jew.
[ Laughter ]
-I want everyone
to know about her
and what she dealt with
being a female comedian
when she was a female comedian.
Going into those rooms when
there were no women there.
Going into those rooms,
dressing up.
Like she made comedy,
you know, elegant.
Even though she was
talking trash out of her mouth,
she was elegant about it.
She knocked opened so many doors
so that the rest of us
were able to walk through.
And we have
and will continue to.
-Please welcome
Chelsea Handler.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Good evening, everybody.
My name is Chelsea Handler,
and I am here
to celebrate Joan Rivers
because she was
a mother [bleep] ground-breaker.
When you're a woman
doing stand-up
and you start
to become successful,
you're often compared
to Joan Rivers.
And I can say in my case,
that is a very accurate
assessment.
We do have a lot in common.
For starters,
she was also a blonde Jew,
which is the
third-rarest kind of Jew.
[ Laughter ]
After uncircumcised rabbis
and Tiffany Haddish.
[ Laughter ]
Joan was a force.
She was a stand-up comedian
in a male-dominated industry,
and unfortunately, it is
still a male-dominated industry.
And if it's hard being
a female comedian today,
can you imagine
how hard it was in the 1960s?
That was before we had
Roe v. Wade,
and then we got Roe v. Wade,
and then we lost Roe v. Wade.
So actually it's not
that different.
But Joan did all of it
for the love of comedy.
And she never apologized.
She once said,
"Me apologizing for a joke
is like Taco Bell apologizing
for giving you diarrhea.
We're both just doing our jobs."
She was the first woman
to talk to audiences the way
that women actually talk to
each other.
We weren't allowed to tell jokes
about sex or religion
or our bodies.
And Joan wasn't allowed to
either, but she did so anyway.
She was quick. She was smart.
She was self-deprecating.
She once said,
"I have no sex appeal.
My gynecologist examines me
by telephone."
[ Laughter ]
If Joan didn't pave the way
by talking
about sex and gynecologists
and vaginas,
do you really think I could
go on stage three nights a week
and talk about
how much I love anal?
I'm kidding.
I'm not really, though.
Joan was a pioneer
for women in comedy,
and she walked
so that we could run.
And let's talk about
her late-night legacy.
In 1989,
she became the first woman
to host a late-night
talk show ever.
And she was the only woman
in a male-dominated field.
And she opened the floodgates.
Boy, did she ever.
It went so well
that the second woman
to host a late-night talk show
was hired just 18
short years later.
And that's me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And Joan,
like all female trailblazers,
made it easier for all of us.
But when she was starting
on her journey in comedy,
there was nobody
to make it easier for her.
Do you know how hard it was
for Joan to get a spot doing
stand-up on "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson,"
the kind of spot
that could literally change your
life and career in an instant?
Even though she was well known
as a joke writer,
the booker told her no over
and over and over again
until she got a recommendation
from peek a boo,
guess who, Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
Because it doesn't matter
if you're a woman advocating
for yourself.
You need someone
to vouch for you.
Someone trustworthy
like Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
Joan gave us license
to be bold and to be brave.
She showed us how to work hard,
how to succeed,
how to fail,
how to pick ourselves back up,
work hard, succeed,
and fail all over again.
And I think Joan said
it best in this card
we found from
her filing cabinet.
"All is fair in love and comedy,
and I feel the same way
as most guys
when they see
Chelsea Handler naked.
No hard feelings."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
My entire career I have
been compared to Joan Rivers,
and all I can say
is I should be so lucky.
-Please welcome Melissa Rivers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-So first of all,
thank you all so, so very much.
This evening is -- it's
bittersweet because on one hand,
I do wish my mother was
still here to see all this,
but on the other hand,
she'd be in her mid-90s
and all my free time would
be dealing with caregivers,
canes, and, well, catheters.
In preparing for tonight's show,
I was going through some of
my mother's old archival papers
and I found this.
[ Clears throat ]
Thank you.
"Dear Melissa,
if you are reading this,
I am dead.
And given that I am dead,
I assume someone
will finally decide to honor me.
Well, it's about [bleep] time."
[ Laughter ]
"Please share the enclosed note
with whatever random producer
is producing this show.
Of course, I have a few
suggestions to make it better.
Don't use any of those fun,
candid family photos
where I'm not in full hair
and makeup.
Backlighting,
especially for the,
well, since I can't say
ugly anymore,
let's call them
'the aesthetically
challenged presenters.'
Make sure I come off
looking good
as a comedian and as a mother.
None of that Joan Crawford
'Mommie Dearest' crap.
And for God's sakes,
don't let Melissa pull that
Christina Crawford
'Mommie Dearest' crap.
I am so tired of her whining
about that.
And lastly,
have Melissa close the show.
She is much better
at faking warmth, humility,
and gratitude than I ever was.
Thank you in advance,
Joan Rivers."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I would love
to sincerely thank everyone
for being here tonight
to support my mother's
favorite charity,
God's Love We Deliver,
which since 1985
has provided almost 40 million
medically tailored meals
to New Yorkers
living with chronic illness,
all for free.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Exactly.
Some of you might notice
that my mother loved
to make people laugh.
She once said,
when you make people laugh,
you give them a mini vacation.
With all the challenging things
we have gone through
in the past 10 years,
I truly from the bottom
of my heart
hope you've all enjoyed
this very much needed vacation.
Thank you.
-I would definitely love
to see Joan come back
and roast the TikTokers
in all their videos.
-I would implore
a younger generation to go back
and just, like, Google
Joan Rivers jokes
and laugh your asses off
because it'll still work.
-"I was so fat in high school,
all the girls wore
poodle skirts,
I wore a German Shepherd."
-I remember her talking about
her having sex with Edgar
and being very kind of graphic.
-"Don't tell me Cher
doesn't like them young.
She just bought a co-op
in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."
-The first time I saw Joan,
I'm positive,
was on the Johnny Carson show.
-Would you welcome
Miss Joan Rivers?
-When I was born,
my mother looked at me,
looked at the afterbirth
and screamed, "Twins!"
-Her style of humor
was just extraordinary.
-Can we talk?
It looks like I've been
machine-gunned by a Smurf.
-She could get away
with anything.
-All I ever heard growing up
is,
"Why can't you be like
your cousin Sheila?
Why can't you be like
your cousin Sheila?"
Sheila had died at birth.
And I just --
[ Laughter ]
Let me tell you,
I don't give a...
if you're white or black
or yellow or green,
as long as you can do my hair.
-She would come out here
and sit in this chair
and say some things
that were unbelievable.
-Joan Rivers here.
And don't feel bad
if you recognize the name,
but not the face.
I just got this one
two weeks ago.
Why are you wearing Betty
White's [bleep] on your head?
She looks like John Travolta
when Kelly Preston
is away working.
I mean...
-Oh!
-Underneath it,
you know that hardcore bitch
has a soft, chewy center.
-Talk about guts.
A real pioneer for other women.
-She's a beacon
of success and determination.
-Joan Rivers to comedy
was Don Rickles to comedy.
Period.
-What Joan means to me
is freedom.
Freedom for women
to say whatever they want.
-She was a hero of mine.
I just remember thinking,
like, "Wow,
she really doesn't care at all."
-Describe Joan in one word.
Well, I can't do that
because there's not one word
that encompasses funny,
brave, and pioneer.
-We became friends,
and I love her.
And I miss her.
And I will see her again.
- Hallelujah
Hallelujah
- Your faith was strong,
but you needed proof
-Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Stop singing.
[ Record scratches ]
Stop playing the piano.
Just stop it!
This is not how we are
honoring Joan Rivers.
Y'all not even dressed right.
She would be offended
right now seeing this.
And what y'all doing
with all these candles?
Y'all brought that from home?
What is it, Hanukkah already?
No, it's not.
Turn your candles off.
This is ridiculous.
This is not
how we gonna celebrate her.
First of all,
we're going to laugh.
Okay? We got an amazing show.
We got Rachel Brosnahan,
Nikki Glaser, Patton Oswalt.
Chelsea Handler is here.
This isn't a funeral, guys.
It's a celebration, all right?
So, uh, Doogie Howser,
go ahead and play my music.
Oh, you don't know?
Okay.
Somebody play my music.
Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila, hey
Venismecha
Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila, hey
Venismecha
All right, y'all follow me,
okay?
- Just Blaze
- Hava neranena
Hava neranena
Hava neranena, hey
Venismecha
Let's party for Joan
for life
They call me Tiffany
and I'm here tonight
To tell y'all about a girl
from Prospect Heights
This queen did a thing
on the microphone
To split your side
like a kidney stone
She had jokes for this,
she had jokes about that
About the young, old,
skinny, and fat
Celebrities
and their stupid clothes
And all the surgeries
on their nose
So everybody here
at the Apollo
We got some funny people
that you can't follow
The jokes are wrong,
but they feel so right
Are y'all ready to laugh
for Joan Rivers tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mazel tov.
Mazel tov and l'chaim.
Now come on, we're going
to talk about your outfits.
Come on.
Doogie,
meet me in the back.
[ Applause ]
-Please welcome Patton Oswalt.
-Thank you.
Thank you, sir. Oh, my goodness.
Good evening. Thank you for --
Yes, it's me, Patton Oswalt.
That's right.
Who else were they going
to get on a night to honor
Joan Rivers, feminist
trailblazer, Jewish icon,
fashion's acid-tongued
demon princess?
The reason I'm here is that
while Joan Rivers was so good
at so many things,
I always think of her as
a once-in-a-lifetime
stand-up comedian,
you know, and she was funny.
But more than that,
she was prolific.
Over her career,
she wrote 70,000 jokes.
70,000 jokes.
That's an unreal level
of output.
Even if you account for how much
better cocaine was in the '80s.
I did three rails backstage.
I'm getting nothing right now.
Joan's jokes were pure.
They were set up, punchline.
No meandering stories.
All meat, no filler.
And we know that because Joan
saved all 70,000 of her jokes
in a big filing cabinet.
She was organized too,
which is weird.
Comedians are never organized.
My jokes are written
on Burger King wrappers
and colonoscopy receipts.
Like, I am not organized
in any way.
But even though Joan is gone,
we still have the filing cabinet
full of jokes.
That is a piece of
American history.
With 70,000 jokes,
you can really tell
how Joan saw the world.
And what a world she lived
through.
She lived through
the space race.
That's why she has 22 jokes
about astronauts.
She also lived through disco,
which is why there are
140 jokes about Cher.
"Cher --
Cher is so thin,
she broke into show business
with the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders as a baton."
[ Laughter ]
It's not all A-plus,
but listen, 70,000, okay?
In her 70,000 joke archive,
there are four jokes
about Hitler,
there are 34 jokes
about Richard Nixon,
and 866 jokes
about Elizabeth Taylor.
So there you go, folks.
History's greatest monster,
Elizabeth Taylor.
She wrote so many jokes,
you can actually chart
the course of world history.
"Joan of Arc wasn't a tramp?
Her last words were,
'Hi, soldier, got a match?'"
[ Laughter ]
She --
Too soon? All right.
She had jokes
about George Washington.
"You don't hear about George
Washington's nutty sister,
who had a wooden IUD."
[ Laughter ]
Joan may have been gone
for 10 years now,
but her jokes were so good
that they will live on forever.
Her influence as a comedian,
as an entertainer,
and as a true iconoclast
will be felt for generation
after generation.
She's dead,
but she's still here.
218 jokes about death,
by the way.
"When I die, I know what
they'll say about my funeral.
'It's the first time
a man ever approached her
when she was lying down.'"
Thank you, Joan,
and thank all of you.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-These are all my jokes.
These are jokes
over the last 30 years.
These are just...
Every time I write a joke, I try
to remember to get it on a card.
"Why should a woman cook?
So her husband can say,
'My wife makes a delicious cake'
to some hooker?"
And you wonder why
I'm still working at this age.
Everywhere you look,
there are jokes.
Everywhere,
jokes to be filed.
Jokes to be written.
Jokes that I thought
of something.
I mean, my life is just...
...jokes.
-Coming up,
Rachel Brosnahan,
Chelsea Handler,
and a special performance
from Nikki Glaser.
-She let other sixes
like me know
that if you're funny enough,
people might treat you
like an eight.
[ Laughter ]
-Joan's voice echoes in my head
when I get asked to do, like,
"Dancing With the Stars"
or "Masked Singer"
or "Celebrity
American Ninja Warrior."
Like, embarrassing things
I've done on TV,
I blame Joan
because I always go,
"Joan would have done it.
Joan wasn't too cool for this."
-Please welcome Nikki Glaser.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, everyone.
I'm Nikki Glaser,
and I am so incredibly honored
and grateful to be here tonight
to honor Joan Rivers.
What a dream.
First, not to make this weird,
but I just want to talk
about something that I actually,
um, isn't easy for me to admit,
and I've only actually
recently gone public with it.
But about five years ago,
I went to the doctor
for a routine checkup,
and they told me that they found
some early signs of aging.
And, um...
[ Laughter ]
Thank you so much.
It really is the silent killer.
I always knew
it would happen, you know?
You know, you're going to age,
but, I don't know,
there's just a part of you
when you're a young girl
that kind of thinks, like,
"Maybe I won't," you know?
Like maybe science is
going to come out with something
that's going to freeze me
at this age forever.
And they did,
but until I can get my hands
on one of those suicide pods,
I'm telling you, I have to --
[ Laughter ]
I have to keep going to see
Dr. Diamond in Beverly Hills.
And if I mention him,
I do get a discount, so.
In her jokes, Joan left behind
such crucial wisdom
and harsh truths
about the aging process
that you really
usually don't uncover
until you're jacking up
the font size on your phone
to take a perimenopause quiz.
I remember being in my 20s
when I first heard Joan's joke
about her aging vagina,
in which
she described viscerally
that waking up one morning, she
looked down and she wondered,
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?
And why is it gray?"
[ Laughter ]
And it stuck with me, right?
Because I was in my 20s
and I did not understand
that joke at the time.
I remember thinking like, "Oh,
that's just a her problem,"
right?
But man, does that joke hit
different today.
Dude, I took a gander
at mine the other day.
And by the way,
taking a gander is what you do
when you look at things
in your 40s.
You gander at them.
So the other day,
I gave my howdy do
a little looky loo, and I --
I swear to God,
it legit looks like
it has two gauged ear lobes.
Like, that is
what's happening down there.
It's true.
When I wear tight jeans, I don't
even have camel toe anymore.
I have basset hound head.
It's -- It's falling.
And Joan told me it would.
It's not just down there either.
It's up there.
She warned me about
these future zucchini implants.
Her words, not mine.
Joan once said "I took
my bra off at a nude beach today
and accidentally clubbed
two baby seals."
Oh, my God.
They're propped up tonight,
but I relate to that, dude.
Oh, my God.
The other day my boyfriend
had to go down on me
just to feel me up.
It's bad. They're dropping.
I understand that joke now.
Like, I get it.
My cup size has changed
since I've aged.
I used to be a D cup,
but now I'm a champagne flute
is, I think, what it is.
When I lay on my back,
I can literally put
my nipple in a headlock.
That's how...
[ Laughter ]
But if you look through
all of her jokes, she --
Joan had infinite jokes
about the way that she looked.
And maybe I'm projecting here,
but I really believe one
of the main reasons
Joan was so funny was because
she never felt pretty, you know?
Honestly,
I know that's why I do this.
And before you say like, "Nikki,
no, stop. You're so pretty"...
[ Laughter ]
I'll wait. I'll wait.
Okay. Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
But the thing was sure,
yeah, I am,
but Joan was pretty too.
But it doesn't matter
what the truth is.
It's how we feel
about ourselves.
Joan once said
that she was so ugly,
they awarded her vibrator
the Purple Heart.
And, like, you don't think of
that unless you think of that,
you know what I mean?
[ Laughter ]
Joan and I both
understood that from a young age
that if we were going to be
as adored as the beautiful women
that we envied,
we were going to have to
bring other things to the table,
right?
We'd have to make up for it
in some other way.
And that way was writing jokes
and plastic surgery.
That was what
we were going to do.
The only thing more shameful
than aging is admitting
that you might have done
something about it, right?
But Joan didn't care.
Joan did both.
She aged and did something
about it and told us about it.
She once said,
"I know a girl who had her bags
removed from under her eyes
and used them as bosoms."
[ Laughter ]
"Don't laugh. It was me."
And I love that joke.
My favorite part of that joke
is when she says,
"Don't laugh,"
because that's so real.
Because of course
Joan wanted us to laugh,
but, like, not too hard,
you know?
I'm saying this to help us all
understand Joan Rivers
a bit more.
This is what made Joan Rivers,
Joan Rivers.
You don't get to be that funny,
that bold, that smart
when you like yourself.
You know? You can't be funny
with self-esteem.
You're not Martin Short,
you know?
Sure, it's sad
that Joan never fully understood
how beautiful she truly was.
But at the same time,
I'm kind of glad
that she didn't, you know?
Because she let other sixes
like me know
that if you're funny enough,
people might treat you
like an eight.
And recently, I was complaining
about aging in Hollywood
and my friend, to make
me feel better, said
"Nikki, you don't need to worry
about aging.
You know, you're the next
Joan Rivers."
And of course,
that was meant as a compliment
but didn't feel like one,
you know?
Like when people tell me
I look exactly like my dad.
But truly being compared
to Joan --
What a gift.
It was actually the greatest
compliment I could ever ask for.
Because I do want to be
like Joan.
I want to make people laugh
by speaking the unspeakable.
I want to turn pain into joy.
I want to be a bad mom.
I...
[ Laughter ]
But most of all, just like Joan,
I want to keep working up
until the very end
so I can die doing what I love.
Undergoing a risky
surgical procedure.
Thank you, Joan.
We love you.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Vaginas drop.
No one tells you this.
Vaginas drop.
I woke up three weeks ago --
This is a sad story.
[ Laughter ]
I woke up three weeks ago
and I went,
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?
And it's..."
[ Laughter ]
"And why is it gray?
It is --"
[ Laughter ]
-Please give a warm welcome to
the marvelous Rachel Brosnahan.
-Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
I am so honored
to be here tonight
to celebrate Joan Rivers.
She was one
of the pioneering comedians
I studied to shape Mrs. Maisel
on "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Of course, over her career,
Joan wrote
nearly 70,000 jokes
that touched on thousands
of topics.
And obviously, we can't
get to all of them tonight,
but I thought it would be
kind of fun
if we picked four categories
at random
and you, the audience,
can decide which one we cover.
Yeah?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, I'll read some categories.
You choose the one
that you like
by cheering as loudly
as you can.
And then I will deliver
as many of Joan's jokes
as I can in 60 seconds.
How does that sound?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. All right, here we go.
Four random categories.
I have actually not seen these.
Socioeconomic theory.
[ Laughter ]
Baroque architecture.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Okay. Tort law.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay.
And last but not least,
vaginas.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm -- I'm pretty sure
it was tort law, right?
No? Please? Okay. All right.
You know,
I expected so much more of you.
All right, here we go.
Joan's finest vagina jokes
in 60 seconds.
Hit it.
"My gynecologist does jokes.
Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix."
"I've had so many
yeast infections,
if I sit out in the sun
too long, I start to rise."
"You know what's sad?
My vagina is just like MySpace.
It was popular in the '90s,
but now nobody wants
to go there."
"Her vagina is so dry
she can start a fire
by rubbing her legs together."
"My gynecologist does jokes.
He puts his ear to me and goes,
'I can hear the ocean.'"
"I call my G-spot Amelia Earhart
because nobody looks for it
anymore."
"Before I go
to the gynecologist,
I shower, I douche,
I shower, and I douche again.
Then I try a few breath mints.
Sometimes they fall out.
And why?
Because you want to feel fresh
when you're being humiliated."
"My gynecologist is so cheap, he
doesn't even have an exam table.
He just asks me to undress
and do a somersault."
"The only good thing
about loud vagina farts
is that they scare away
the crabs."
"I have a Jewish gynecologist.
Once a year,
he gives me a pap shmear."
"He is so crude, he starts
the examination screaming,
'What a dump!'"
"Suzanne's twat is so dry,
senior citizens go there
to retire."
"My gynecologist takes out
his mirror and says,
'May I show you to your womb?'"
I'm pretty sure they let me
run over 60 seconds.
But thank you very much.
Thank you all.
Thank you to Joan.
Thank you all
for being here tonight.
I hope that you
and your vaginas enjoy the show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Coming up, Rita Wilson,
Joel McHale,
and Aubrey Plaza.
-You don't have to laugh.
It can be awkward silence
if you want.
[ Laughter ]
-Here are some great jokes
from Joan Rivers,
the great Joan Rivers.
These are from her files.
Wow, that's pretty great.
-Well, number one that
I remember from being a kid,
"I knew I was unwanted
when my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio."
-"Michael Jackson has a dog.
It follows him
to the plastic surgeon,
then waits around for scraps."
-"I went to a gay wedding
and instead of rice,
they threw Froot Loops."
Classic.
-"I don't think
my parents liked me.
My parents didn't want me.
They once gave me a plastic bag
for my birthday and they said,
'Pretend it's a space helmet.'"
-"Preparing a Jewish dinner
is very simple.
All you need is the phone number
of the nearest
Chinese restaurant."
That still works. Still works.
-Please welcome Joel McHale.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
It's an honor.
I actually had the pleasure of
working at E! at the same time
Joan was hosting her show
"Fashion Police."
Yeah, well, no one really has
the pleasure of working at E!
It's where
mid-level celebrities are sent
to fulfill community service
for public intoxication.
Ryan Seacrest, noted drunk.
Anyway, nonetheless,
I got to meet
and talk to
the legendary Joan Rivers,
and she was an absolute delight.
And she's not here
to correct me,
so I'll just say she felt
the exact same way about me.
Joan died in 2014.
Yep, I just heard someone gasp.
Which means you're
just finding out now.
I'm so sorry that you
are learning this way, Melissa.
Uh, I thought somebody
had told you.
I'm so, so sorry.
Joan's passing means
that a legendary
comedic voice missed out
on the past 10 years
of human history.
To which I can only say
Joan, you lucky bitch.
She died without ever having
to hear the words "Joe Exotic."
We'll never know exactly what
Joan would have said
about the events
of the past decade,
and even imagining what she
would have said would be craven,
callous, and opportunistic.
So let's do that now, shall we?
Yes.
Okay. What did Joan miss?
Ah, yes.
She missed the federal
legalization of gay marriage.
Yeah, and spoiler,
she also missed that
being overturned in mid-2025.
Back then, Joan said,
and I quote,
"I'm against gay marriage.
All my friends are gay,
it'll cost me a fortune
in wedding gifts."
[ Laughter ]
She's dead and still killing.
Yeah. Cancel her. Cancel Joan.
Cancel. Cancel. Cancel her soul.
No, I'm kidding, of course.
Joan was thrilled.
She was a huge
gay rights advocate,
and she was actually alive
when gay marriage
was legalized in California,
which is when she said this --
"Last night, California's ban
on same-sex marriage
was overturned,
as were most of the men
in San Francisco."
Cancel her now.
Cancel. Cancel her.
Yeah. Good.
Think about what
you're clapping for.
Uh, all right. Next up,
what did she miss?
Ah, [bleep] No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah. No, no.
Can't do that either.
Next one?
Ah [bleep]
All right. Great.
Now I'm wishing
I had died 10 years ago.
Can we skip to something
more lighthearted, please?
There we go. COVID. Yes.
Could you even imagine
how Joan would have loved COVID?
This was a woman who was
jealous of homeless people
because she said they never
had to throw house parties.
[ Laughter ]
Really.
Plus, two years
of wearing a mask
would have saved her a ton in,
you know, upgrades, right?
Right.
So clearly Joan could see
the future
because look at this joke
from her joke file.
"I hope to God
no one repurposes my old jokes
for a TV special 10 years
after I'm dead.
But if they do,
they better get someone
really talented to do it --
like that delightful
clip show host, Daniel Tosh."
10 years gone and she can still
deliver a burn like no one else.
And like every great comedian,
she really did know
how to go out.
Joan, I love you wherever
you are, and I miss you.
And thanks for having me,
everybody.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Please welcome Randy Rainbow.
-Hi. What's up, New York?
Hello.
Now, you don't need me to tell
you Joan Rivers was a legend.
She was an innovator and
a feminist, and that's great.
But most importantly,
she was a gay icon, right?
That's the topic
they've assigned me tonight,
which is a little presumptuous,
but whatever.
I'll go with it.
Yes, to be a gay icon
is the most important thing
because that club is
the most exclusive.
But Joan was in because
she made us laugh at ourselves.
Of course, sometimes
she went a little overboard.
She did get on stage
and say things like,
"This guy was so gay,
he sprained both his wrists
just talking."
[ Laughter ]
Okay, that's offensive.
Ow.
Anyway, considering Joan's
gay icon status is firmly etched
in pearl --
We don't do stone.
That's basic --
I went through her
filing cabinet
and pulled out some
of her gayest jokes of all time.
Yes, they're right here.
Now, many were on point,
but some were just
so far out there that I thought
I would respond to them tonight
on behalf of the LGBTQ
plus plus plus smiley face emoji
community.
I'm calling it my gay rebuttal,
and I know Joan would
have had a field day with that.
Does that sound good?
Should we do that?
All right.
Here are some of Joan's jokes
that need some
hardcore gay rebutting.
Okay?
"King Kong was gay.
He climbed the Empire State
Building to sit on it."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you know, this one is
just historically inaccurate.
You know, everyone knows
that King Kong was a top.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned
about the Holland Tunnel.
[ Laughter ]
"Gays have made a lot
of progress.
They have their own bars,
their own parades.
My gay cousin rewrote
the gay version of the Bible.
The forbidden fruit is
a guy named Danny."
This one is obviously not true
because there was already
a gay version of the Bible.
It's called the Bible.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you know,
some guys who knew a guy
and a bunch of rules about
what you're supposed to wear
and eat -- that's very gay.
"At gay weddings,
they throw the rice underhand."
This appears to be
a sports reference,
and so I do not understand it.
So we'll move on.
But I think I do overhand.
We do overhand.
That feels more natural. Okay.
"Gay men love me
because I remind them exactly of
why they're not attracted
to women."
[ Laughter ]
That might be true a little bit.
I was pretty straight
until I saw Joan
in "The Muppets Take Manhattan."
It might have been Gonzo's nose,
I don't know,
but she was at least half right
on this one.
There were so many reasons
the gays loved Joan as much
as she loved us.
Her flawless delivery,
her delicious irreverence,
her glamour.
She was like if you mashed up
all the Golden Girls into one
and then sent it to Cher's
plastic surgeon
to make it look fierce.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But most importantly,
she made us laugh,
especially in the face
of fear and adversity.
There's a lot of that
these days.
She taught us, no matter what,
to always find the joke
and never take anything
too seriously.
She was a legend
and every kind of icon,
and I wish
that she were here tonight
so I could say it right
to one of her faces.
I'm sure she would tell me
to go fuck myself.
And that's why
we love Joan Rivers.
Love you, Joan.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Please welcome
Michelle Buteau.
-Hello, everyone.
Hello.
Oh, you guys look beautiful.
Tonight is all about
Joan Rivers.
And Joan Rivers was a real one.
She was a powerhouse
in the industry,
breaking down barriers
and opening doors at a time
where it was impossible
for women to be taken seriously.
And Joan was seriously funny.
She was a comedic inspiration,
and I've been a fan as long
as I can remember.
She was the queen of
dope one-liners
in a sequined blazer
and a brooch, honey.
Joan loved fashion.
She was a "fastonisha."
"Fastonisha."
Joan was a "fastonisha."
Is that how you say it?
[ Laughter ]
This is why we need more federal
funding for public education.
Joan was a "fastonisha."
[ Laughter ]
-You got this, girl!
-Oh, thank you.
Not the teleprompter trying
to break it up.
Too late, sis.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Joan loved fashion so much...
[ Laughter ]
...she hosted a show called
"Fashion Police."
And celebrities were more afraid
of the fashion police
than the actual police.
Joan's wit and integrity
paved the way for so many
of us female comedians.
Joan made it okay for women
to express really funny stuff
about motherhood, which I love.
She once said, "I enjoy Melissa
because she's fabulous.
She's into clothes and shoes
and spas.
She's like the gay son
I never had."
[ Laughter ]
I love this so much
because I am also a working mom.
I have -- Thank you.
It's a real job
that I don't get paid for.
I have the cutest, most special
5-year-old twins.
And thank God they're cute
because it'd be really hard
if they were ugly.
[ Laughter ]
What I love about Joan also
is that she wasn't shy
about her looks,
which is refreshing.
You know, she once said,
"The only man who can't wait
to get his hands
on a woman over 40
is a plastic surgeon."
[ Laughter ]
And we all know
she loved a nip tuck.
And you know what? So do I.
I love a little nip of whiskey
after I tuck my kids into bed.
[ Laughter ]
Out of everything Joan said,
there was one line
that always stays with me.
She said, "Always carry a
small sledgehammer in your purse
in case
you hit the glass ceiling."
Thank you, Joan,
for always leading the way
with your sledgehammer.
I would not be here tonight
without you.
Good night, everybody.
I hope your Medicaid
goes through.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-She was fearless.
I mean, she did not care
what anyone thought.
She's, like,
the epitome of a trailblazer.
She was the most badass,
you know,
female comedian that ever was.
-And now for a somber moment,
it's Aubrey Plaza.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Joan Rivers was a trailblazer,
yes, but let's be honest,
not all of her jokes
have stood the test of time.
Now, we've heard a lot
of tasteless jokes tonight,
but some of them are next level.
Some of them are
"Eeh, we're not supposed
to say that anymore."
So tonight,
I think it would be a good time
to lay a few of them
to rest forever.
Let's revisit some
of Joan's most
"Eeh, we probably shouldn't
say that anymore" jokes
one last time.
There are so many of them,
but let's just do a couple.
[ Somber music playing ]
Thank you, Henry.
"My Mexican maid is great,
but I wish she'd stop rimming
my toilet bowl with salt."
[ Laughter ]
"The morning after pill
isn't new.
It just used to be called
throwing yourself
down the stairs."
[ Laughter ]
You don't have to laugh.
It can be awkward
silence if you want.
If that feels good for you.
"I dated a homeless man.
In the subway after dinner,
I suggested
we go back to his place.
He said 'We're there.'"
[ Laughter ]
"A hint
while playing blackjack --
never say 'hit me'
if the dealer is Italian."
[ Laughter ]
You're sick. You're all sick.
I'm so sorry.
"There's a new dish
for Japanese bisexuals --
him-she."
[ Laughter ]
"My anorexic neighbor is
pregnant.
Finally, she's eating for one."
[ Laughter ]
Goodbye forever.
Except maybe...
"AOL is promoting
a Nazi makeover show filmed
at the Anne Frank House
called 'This Old Attic.'"
Anyway, those are just a few.
But thank you, Joan.
I love you.
I hope you're enjoying hell.
I will see you there very soon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi. Can we talk?
Listen, this Saturday evening,
I will be joining QVC
to introduce my new Classics
Collection of fashion jewelry.
It's just beautiful.
And you are going to love it.
Oh, wrong way.
-Wrong way.
Joan, we're on.
-Oh!
-Oh, I like it.
It's yummy.
-It's yummy.
-You always keep me laughing.
-You're living all these years
making people laugh.
It's not a bad way
to make a living.
-Thank you. You just walked
in my shot, Rivers.
-Mwah, mwah.
Love you, mean it.
-Something old
and make it new.
And that's really -- Yes.
-Me. Me!
-How much do we love her?
How much do we love...
-Please welcome Rita Wilson.
-Hello. I loved Joan Rivers.
How could you not love a woman
who did so much,
who worked so hard and
who made so many people laugh?
Joan really knew
how to sell a joke.
Actually,
she knew how to sell everything.
She built $1 billion empire
on QVC with her jewelry,
clothing, beauty products,
and she had fun doing it.
I'd like to honor Joan tonight
by doing something
she was so very good at --
selling you stuff
that you definitely don't need.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Joan Rivers ]
Hello, I'm Rita Wilson,
and boy, do we have a deal
for you today.
For the first time ever,
you can be the proud owner
of Joan Rivers' jokes.
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
how exciting is that?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to own the jokes
that tell the Joan Rivers story.
Jokes like...
"I was a dog in high school.
I told my father
a boy wanted to take me out,
and he said,
'Not without a leash.'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That joke can
be yours if you call now.
A Joan joke is
the perfect gift for all ages.
In fact, kids love Joan's jokes.
Why? Because they're not only
funny, they're also educational.
"Marry for money.
I've always taught my daughter
that sex is the most beautiful,
meaningful thing
a woman can get paid for."
[ Laughter ]
"Tragedy plus time
equals a facelift."
[ Laughter ]
And Joan also asked
the tough questions like,
"What kind of soup
do you give to a sick chicken?"
[ Laughter ]
Let's go to the phones.
Do I have a call coming in?
It's -- Ah,
it's Christie from Wisconsin.
Hello, Christie.
How are you?
Are you ready
to place your order
for this incredible joke set?
-Hi, Rita. I think so.
I'm just worried that Joan was
so amazing and successful,
I won't be able to relate
to her material.
-Oh, Christine, I completely
understand your concern.
But believe it or not,
Joan was just like you and me.
Proof --
"I have ugly feet.
I try not to let it bother me.
After all, I have ten toes
like everyone else.
Seven on one foot,
three on the other."
[ Laughter ]
Call now. Joan's jokes.
Promo code --
"CanWeTawk."
That's "tawk" with a W,
naturally.
Operators are standing by,
but I'm not.
I have dinner plans.
Good night. Mwah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Joan.
-Please welcome Matteo Lane.
-Hi.
Hey. Hi, everyone.
So, you know, I'm a comedian,
and I thought I should
tell jokes tonight,
but in true gay fashion,
I thought maybe I'll sing a song
to honor Joan instead.
We are at the Apollo after all.
So, please, Henry Koperski --
Give it up for Henry
for being great, by the way.
I'd like to take a moment
To give a little toast
To the one
who started everything
And inspired me the most
A legend in her truest sense
I bow before her throne
I'm too emotional to speak
So let me sing this song
to Joan
You see, when I was young
I'd never seen
a gay man telling jokes
Wait a minute. Hold on.
I'm sorry.
An out gay man telling jokes.
We know who they are.
Okay.
So I'd watch
the closest thing I could find
Kathy Griffin
and Margaret Cho
And finally, when I was 21
I saw a special
that changed change my life
It was called "Before Melissa
Pulls the Plug,"
and Joan would literally take
giant plants
and give them to people
in the audience.
I was like, "Ooh, I need to see
more of this."
And that's when I knew
that my North Star was Joan
She walked on stage,
she was 72
With a fur around her neck
She opened up her mouth
to speak
And what she said,
I'll never forget
"If you're old,
get up and get out.
I hate old people,
I hate ugly people,
and I hate children."
And finally, I saw myself
in the art I'd like to hone
All because I knew
my North Star was Joan
I couldn't believe
that someone
Could be so powerful
on stage
She stayed true to her self
Her integrity,
no matter what age
I use that strength
and confidence
To get me through
those awful open mics
She was underrated,
an underdog
But she wouldn't get up
without a fight
Thank you to my North Star
Joan
[ Cheers and applause ]
Henry Koperski, everybody.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Still to come,
Tiffany Haddish
and Chelsea Handler.
-Joan Rivers is
probably the reason
that I'm in show business today.
When I started out in comedy,
the litmus test was
"The Tonight Show."
I could not, for the life of me,
get booked on
"The Tonight Show."
One night, Joan Rivers saw me
at the Comedy Store.
She said, "You're very funny,
young man.
Have you ever been
on 'The Tonight Show'?"
And I said, "No, but, you know,
this week's my birthday."
And she said, "Here's a number.
Call this guy."
And I called her manager
and she booked me that week
to be on "The Tonight Show."
She just saw me,
thought I was funny,
and booked me
on "The Tonight Show."
And that was my first time
on "The Tonight Show,"
which changed my life.
And Johnny saw me
on "The Tonight Show" with Joan,
liked me so much, and
brought me back the next week.
I ended up doing it 22 times.
-He's the Roastmaster General
carrying on
Joan's work
for the next generation.
Please welcome Jeff Ross.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello, everybody.
What's happening, comedy fans?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I loved her.
I loved her so much.
She changed comedy.
It was the Golden Globes, 1994.
That was the event
that Joan Rivers
first stormed the red carpet.
Armed with nothing
but a microphone
and a world-class wit,
Joan made Hollywood history
with one simple question --
"Who are you wearing?"
Then she'd look them up and down
and let them have it.
Millions of Americans began
tuning in to those pre-shows
just to see Joan speak
truth to star power.
And the world's
top designers flocked
to fit the biggest celebs just
to get their names mentioned.
But now, without Joan
to keep them grounded,
Hollywood has lost control
of its stars.
The stars have run amok.
Free to wear whatever
the hell they want,
no matter how ridiculous.
And the rest of us are expected
to just sit here
and say nothing.
So tonight, out of respect,
I won't ask who are you wearing?
But I will ask,
I wonder what Joan would
have said about this person?
Jada. Jada, can we talk?
Nobody wants
that much kale salad, honey.
[ Laughter ]
Yes.
This dress looks like a cry
for kelp.
And what about Sam Smith
at the Brit Awards last year?
Hey, Rocky,
where's Bullwinkle?
I imagine Joan just standing
there on the red carpet,
pretending to be in shock.
I love you, Sam, I love you.
You look like you're going to
a shiva for a butt plug.
I miss her. I miss her.
Billy Porter, amazing talent
and such a Broadway diva
that he's dressed
for his own curtain call.
And of course,
there's no bigger star
right now
than Ariana grand duvet cover.
Hey, at least
if that joke hurts her feelings,
she already has a comforter.
She's wearing it.
Anyway, I'm not a doctor,
but I count three polyps.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, Joan.
What would you have said
to this guy?
Jared Leto at the Met Gala.
Two heads, not a single thought
between them.
[ Laughter ]
Joan probably would have slapped
them both in the fucking face.
I love this next guy.
Dan Levy.
Did you see him host the Emmys?
He was great with his dad,
Eugene.
They were so funny together.
I got two words for you, Dan.
Less starch.
Is it a tie? Is it a napkin?
Is it necessary?
Frankly, this outfit blows.
Slightly to the left.
[ Laughter ]
And finally,
I wish Joan Rivers was there
when I was invited
to walk the runway
at Men's Fashion Week in Paris.
Joan would have looked at me,
she would have said,
"Who are you wearing?
Jewey Vuitton?"
"Who are you wearing?
Giorgio Salami?"
"Jeff, can we talk?
You really put the gout
in Jean Paul Gaultier."
Joan wasn't just the queen
of the red carpet.
She was the dictator.
She was feared and revered.
And to me,
she was a friend and a mentor.
And I'll never forget
when we finally roasted Joan,
it was a great show.
But Joan went up at the end
and schooled all of us.
She was the only person
I ever saw
be the funniest person
at their own roast.
And one word about Joan
and her heart.
This is a benefit
for God's love we deliver.
When I was a young comic,
I took care of my grandfather,
and a food service
would come by,
check on him,
and give him a hot meal
so that I could go out at night
and follow my dreams.
So the fact that you're
all here raising money
for such an important cause
means the world to me,
and it makes me love
Joan even more.
Long live the queen,
Joan Rivers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Two people that should
not be stopped in security --
two people --
gay men and Jewish women.
Gay men. I'm telling you,
there is no way in hell
a gay man can ever get
a bomb in his luggage.
There is no room.
[ Laughter ]
Shall I put the bomb in there,
or shall I take an extra sweater
just in case I meet somebody?
[ Laughter ]
And a Jewish woman --
No Jewish woman is going to
ever put a bomb in a Gucci bag.
Are you crazy? Excuse me?
You want me, Yetta Bernstein,
to put a bomb in my Gucci bag?
Do you know how many people
I had to [bleep]
to get that Gucci bag?
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome back to the stage,
Tiffany Haddish.
-Shalom, shalom.
Thank you, Doogie.
Thank you, thank you.
As you probably figured
out from the opening
of this tribute, I'm Jewish.
In fact, five years ago,
I was bat mitzvahed.
You don't just learn how to
be a real Jew in shul.
Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
Where I really learned
about living a Jewish life
was from studying Joan's jokes.
She gave me a master class
in Jew you
and how to never buy retail.
Nothing retail, baby.
From her jokes about
the perfect Jewish honeymoon,
I learned that all you really
need is a cruise, okay?
You lie in bed and the ship
does all the work, so.
Joan was a Jew
who loved Easter
so much she colored matzo balls.
Now, before that,
I thought matzo balls were right
below where the brischar is.
That's what I thought.
I didn't know it was a...
Anyways, Joan taught me
that Jews don't exercise.
The only time we bend down
and touch our toes
is to see
if we need a new pedicure.
No, I'm good.
I also learned about
dating Jewish men.
I learned if you date a Jewish
guy who's cheating on his wife,
he'll beg you
not to tell his mother.
And I learned that a nice Jewish
girl should date a perfect 10.
Which from Joan
was a 3 with money, okay?
Joan also was my rabbi
when it comes
to fashion and accessories
a Jewish girl like me
should wear.
Before her,
I had no fashion sense, okay?
From Joan,
I learned that Paris was
the fashion capital of Europe.
She said even the condoms there
are fashionably baggy.
And that's true
because they always fall off.
She --
[ Laughter ]
Thanks to Joan's jokes,
I learned that G in G-spot
stands for Gucci
and that you can't spell jewelry
without the letters J, E, W.
[ Cheers and applause ]
In her immortal words,
get jewelry
before you hit the sack
with the man.
A diamond comes from being under
a lump of coal for centuries.
A woman gets a diamond for being
under a man for 20 minutes.
So bottom line,
Joan and her jokes taught me
how to be a better Jew, a better
dresser, and a better comic.
Thank you, guys. Love you, Joan.
-Please welcome a showbiz
legend, Sandra Bernhard.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm so glad you can still
recognize me
after my most recent
surgical procedures.
Back in the day, when
I was just starting to perform,
I heard through the grapevine
that Joan had seen me
at the Ye Little Club
in Beverly Hills on Canon Drive.
I heard she said, "She's funny,
but if she doesn't get
a nose job,
she'll never make it
in this business."
I'm so glad I heeded her advice.
[ Laughter ]
I wrote a film script for Joan
and myself
called "Mixed Messages."
I was going to play
a free spirit artist
who had to move back home
in her 30s,
where Joan would play my mother,
a WASPy Jew who tries
to tame me.
And of course,
at the end we evolve together.
Of course,
the film never got made.
But years later we ended
up working together on a sitcom
where Joan did play my mother
and I have to
come and bail her out of jail.
So I'm sitting there,
I'm watching Joan,
and she's such a pro,
and she's sitting in her little
jail cell studying her lines.
And it struck me
that Joan had spent
her whole life breaking out
of societal prisons
and old notions of what it meant
to be a woman in comedy.
The late nights at the clubs,
convincing people she had
what it took,
exploring her strengths
as a writer, a producer,
battling the conceptions
of beauty and ageism.
She paved the way for women like
me to be their authentic selves.
So thank you, Joan,
for breaking all the rules
and making it just
a little bit easier
to be a funny woman
without compromise.
Here's to you, honey.
Thank you.
It's great to be at the Apollo.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hold on.
I have a bunch written down.
Let's take a peek.
-This one's titled
"Cleanliness."
Why would that be the first one
that I would pull out?
"Cleanliness."
-This is under politics.
"I'm sick of John McCain whining
about his torture
in a P.O.W. camp.
You try flying coach 11 hours
from L.A. to London."
-"Donald Trump is a leech.
His pick-up line is,
'You want to see Trump Towers?'"
-"I show up to orgies with
Handi Wipes."
You know, I know
that's supposed to be funny,
but when I read it,
it's just like a good idea.
-"I have no sex appeal.
Peeping toms look in my window
and pull down the shade."
[ Laughter ]
-The best.
-Coming up, Chelsea Handler
with a touching tribute to Joan.
-She was also a blonde Jew,
which is the third-rarest
kind of Jew.
[ Laughter ]
-I want everyone
to know about her
and what she dealt with
being a female comedian
when she was a female comedian.
Going into those rooms when
there were no women there.
Going into those rooms,
dressing up.
Like she made comedy,
you know, elegant.
Even though she was
talking trash out of her mouth,
she was elegant about it.
She knocked opened so many doors
so that the rest of us
were able to walk through.
And we have
and will continue to.
-Please welcome
Chelsea Handler.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Good evening, everybody.
My name is Chelsea Handler,
and I am here
to celebrate Joan Rivers
because she was
a mother [bleep] ground-breaker.
When you're a woman
doing stand-up
and you start
to become successful,
you're often compared
to Joan Rivers.
And I can say in my case,
that is a very accurate
assessment.
We do have a lot in common.
For starters,
she was also a blonde Jew,
which is the
third-rarest kind of Jew.
[ Laughter ]
After uncircumcised rabbis
and Tiffany Haddish.
[ Laughter ]
Joan was a force.
She was a stand-up comedian
in a male-dominated industry,
and unfortunately, it is
still a male-dominated industry.
And if it's hard being
a female comedian today,
can you imagine
how hard it was in the 1960s?
That was before we had
Roe v. Wade,
and then we got Roe v. Wade,
and then we lost Roe v. Wade.
So actually it's not
that different.
But Joan did all of it
for the love of comedy.
And she never apologized.
She once said,
"Me apologizing for a joke
is like Taco Bell apologizing
for giving you diarrhea.
We're both just doing our jobs."
She was the first woman
to talk to audiences the way
that women actually talk to
each other.
We weren't allowed to tell jokes
about sex or religion
or our bodies.
And Joan wasn't allowed to
either, but she did so anyway.
She was quick. She was smart.
She was self-deprecating.
She once said,
"I have no sex appeal.
My gynecologist examines me
by telephone."
[ Laughter ]
If Joan didn't pave the way
by talking
about sex and gynecologists
and vaginas,
do you really think I could
go on stage three nights a week
and talk about
how much I love anal?
I'm kidding.
I'm not really, though.
Joan was a pioneer
for women in comedy,
and she walked
so that we could run.
And let's talk about
her late-night legacy.
In 1989,
she became the first woman
to host a late-night
talk show ever.
And she was the only woman
in a male-dominated field.
And she opened the floodgates.
Boy, did she ever.
It went so well
that the second woman
to host a late-night talk show
was hired just 18
short years later.
And that's me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And Joan,
like all female trailblazers,
made it easier for all of us.
But when she was starting
on her journey in comedy,
there was nobody
to make it easier for her.
Do you know how hard it was
for Joan to get a spot doing
stand-up on "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson,"
the kind of spot
that could literally change your
life and career in an instant?
Even though she was well known
as a joke writer,
the booker told her no over
and over and over again
until she got a recommendation
from peek a boo,
guess who, Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
Because it doesn't matter
if you're a woman advocating
for yourself.
You need someone
to vouch for you.
Someone trustworthy
like Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
Joan gave us license
to be bold and to be brave.
She showed us how to work hard,
how to succeed,
how to fail,
how to pick ourselves back up,
work hard, succeed,
and fail all over again.
And I think Joan said
it best in this card
we found from
her filing cabinet.
"All is fair in love and comedy,
and I feel the same way
as most guys
when they see
Chelsea Handler naked.
No hard feelings."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
My entire career I have
been compared to Joan Rivers,
and all I can say
is I should be so lucky.
-Please welcome Melissa Rivers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-So first of all,
thank you all so, so very much.
This evening is -- it's
bittersweet because on one hand,
I do wish my mother was
still here to see all this,
but on the other hand,
she'd be in her mid-90s
and all my free time would
be dealing with caregivers,
canes, and, well, catheters.
In preparing for tonight's show,
I was going through some of
my mother's old archival papers
and I found this.
[ Clears throat ]
Thank you.
"Dear Melissa,
if you are reading this,
I am dead.
And given that I am dead,
I assume someone
will finally decide to honor me.
Well, it's about [bleep] time."
[ Laughter ]
"Please share the enclosed note
with whatever random producer
is producing this show.
Of course, I have a few
suggestions to make it better.
Don't use any of those fun,
candid family photos
where I'm not in full hair
and makeup.
Backlighting,
especially for the,
well, since I can't say
ugly anymore,
let's call them
'the aesthetically
challenged presenters.'
Make sure I come off
looking good
as a comedian and as a mother.
None of that Joan Crawford
'Mommie Dearest' crap.
And for God's sakes,
don't let Melissa pull that
Christina Crawford
'Mommie Dearest' crap.
I am so tired of her whining
about that.
And lastly,
have Melissa close the show.
She is much better
at faking warmth, humility,
and gratitude than I ever was.
Thank you in advance,
Joan Rivers."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I would love
to sincerely thank everyone
for being here tonight
to support my mother's
favorite charity,
God's Love We Deliver,
which since 1985
has provided almost 40 million
medically tailored meals
to New Yorkers
living with chronic illness,
all for free.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Exactly.
Some of you might notice
that my mother loved
to make people laugh.
She once said,
when you make people laugh,
you give them a mini vacation.
With all the challenging things
we have gone through
in the past 10 years,
I truly from the bottom
of my heart
hope you've all enjoyed
this very much needed vacation.
Thank you.
-I would definitely love
to see Joan come back
and roast the TikTokers
in all their videos.
-I would implore
a younger generation to go back
and just, like, Google
Joan Rivers jokes
and laugh your asses off
because it'll still work.
-"I was so fat in high school,
all the girls wore
poodle skirts,
I wore a German Shepherd."
-I remember her talking about
her having sex with Edgar
and being very kind of graphic.
-"Don't tell me Cher
doesn't like them young.
She just bought a co-op
in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."