Joe List: Small Ball (2025) Movie Script
Ladies
and gentlemen, Joe List.
Thank you very much.
Wow. Wow.
Thank you very much. Wow.
That is very touching.
All right, thank you.
YouTube is never gonna believe this.
They're gonna be like,
"Nah, fake. Bullshit."
I'm dumb, I'm an idiot. Are you guys dumb?
Where are my dumb people? Who's dumb?
Come on.
Yeah. All right, nobody
admitted to being dumb.
All right, nice. You look
very smart, you're lying.
I love that you pat. He's
like, "She is a little dumb."
I'm dumb. This is how dumb I am.
The other day, I live in New York,
I have a telephone and I was looking at it
and a bird shit on my phone,
like a big ploppy bird shit.
That doesn't make me dumb.
But what does make me dumb is
I was like, "Oh, that sucks.
But that's kind of funny."
And then I tried to
screenshot the bird shit.
I took a screenshot.
I thought there was gonna be a photo
of bird shit on my phone.
And I was like, "Wait."
It took me a full like
four seconds, I would say,
to be like, "Wait, what?
Ah, that's not." It's embarrassing.
It sucks when a bird shits
on your phone, by the way,
'cause then you have to like,
you know, I don't carry a handkerchief
and like there's no,
you don't wanna wipe it on your clothes.
So I just had to walk
around with bird shit on my,
it felt like I was serving
bird shit, just kinda.
I got all the way home.
My wife's like, "Why are you
holding your phone like that?"
And I was like, "A bird shit on it."
And she's like, "Why didn't
you get a napkin or something?"
I'm like, "I don't, fuck,
I tried to screenshot it.
All right? I'm not smart.
I'm a moron. I think
technology's making us dumber.
'Cause like we react, you ever
try to zoom in on something
that's not a phone?
- Yes.
- You have, right?
Like you look at a menu and you're like,
"Why isn't this?"
I did it to my wife's vagina recently.
It's true. I wanted to
see where the pee hole is.
I don't know where women urinate from.
So I was kind of like, "Let me,
I wanna finally see that thing."
There's two holes down there.
Did you guys know that?
I don't even think women know that.
Yeah, there's the sex
hole and the pee hole.
There's the asshole also. I
don't wanna leave that out.
Anyways, I'm dumb and I wanna be smart.
I look smart. I got a
cool jacket and glasses.
But I'm a big idiot.
I try to watch film and have like,
but I never get it the
way I'm supposed to.
You ever watch a movie with a friend
and then after the movie's
over, your friend is like,
"You know what that movie was about?"
And then you're like, "Yeah, sharks."
And your friend is like, "No. Communism."
And you're like, "Fuck. Seriously?
"There were so many sharks in it though."
And then your friend goes,
"It was an allegory."
And then you gotta go to the bathroom
and look up what allegory means.
Have you guys ever had this experience?
You're like, "What the fuck?"
You gotta come back and play it off.
You're like, "It was a film
with a secret hidden message,
usually political or moral.
Those were communist sharks
now that I think a little more.
Fidel Sharkstro, right? Huh?"
They're like, "What? No."
I'm like, "All right."
I like to watch a movie
with a really smart person
and then rewatch the same
movie with a dumb person.
And then I take the smart
person's interpretations
so at least one person thinks I'm smart.
I watch the same film.
I'm like, "What do you think?
This movie's about sharks?"
He's like, "It's not?" And
I'm like, "No, you idiot.
It's an alimony. Why don't
you learn how to watch a film?
This is cinema. Those sharks
are communists, obviously."
And then he's like, "What
is communism exactly?"
And I'm like, "Ah, I'm not taking
follow up questions right now.
Lemme take a shit and then I'll tell you,
I'll know a little bit
more about communism
after I get this out and
I'll have a few words.
I think it's a religion of some sort."
I'm stupid. I thought Picasso was Italian.
Did you guys think that, the painter?
- Yeah.
- Right?
It sounds Italian, doesn't it?
I don't know who said "Yeah," but right?
Picasso, fucking hey. Picasso.
I hear, oh, I think Italian.
Spaghetti Os, Picasso.
I thought he was like,
"Hey, I'm painting cubes.
What do you want from me?" You know?
"I got both eyes on the same
side of the head, so blow me."
You know what I mean?
I thought he was like fuck hey, Picassio.
I thought all painters were Italian.
First of all, I thought it was
like Michelangelo, da Vinci,
Joe Pesci's mother in "Goodfellas."
But he's Spanish. Did you guys know that?
Some of you probably knew that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. He's Spanish.
He's from Spain.
I found out 'cause I went to an art museum
right here in the great city of Chicago,
the Art Institute, classic.
They have Picasso paintings
and I saw, I was like,
"Oh, those those are good."
Like I don't know a lot about art,
but I know he's good, Picasso.
He's top 10 in my opinion.
And they had a big painting
and underneath there was a plaque
and it says Picasso, Spain.
And I was so confident, I
didn't even think I was wrong.
I was like, "That is a
big fuck up right there."
I just "Woo."
I was like, "Honey, they
got a typo over here.
That's hilarious."
I reported it. I went to the front desk.
I was like, "Just a heads up.
I don't wanna get you guys in trouble.
But you have the wrong
country for Picasso.
He's Italian. I think
everybody knows that."
The lady said "Pablo?"
And I was like, "You know
what? That does sound Spanish.
Now that I hear it out loud."
His name is Pablo Picasso, he
is from Spain. I was way off.
Spain or Spanish has a
lot of Os also, I realize.
They have Pablo and queso, taco.
All the foods really. Burrito.
I knew nothing about Picasso.
I was kind of embarrassed
'cause I feel like I know
about the arts a little bit.
I looked him up, I read his Wikipedia page
and did you know this?
He died in 1973. Did you guys know that?
I thought he died in 1380. I almost shit.
1973. Picasso had a car.
Is that unbelievable to you guys?
Pablo Picasso was driving around
Spain in like a Honda Civic
listening to Led Zeppelin on the radio.
Ozzy Osborne and Pablo Picasso
were working at the same time.
He saw six Super Bowls.
That's great. I thought he
lived next to a blacksmith.
The guy's like at home
watching the Green Bay Packers
play the Kansas City Chiefs
on a colored television set,
drinking Mountain Dew.
I feel like people don't laugh at that,
'cause I feel like when I say
Mountain Dew, people are like,
"Wait, no, Mountain Dew came
out in like '78, '79, right?"
Is that what you're thinking?
'Cause that's what I thought.
I said it one night on
stage and I was like,
"I gotta fact check myself."
And I looked up Mountain
Dew and you're gonna shit.
What year do you think Mountain
Dew came out? Take a guess.
'44.
'44. You ruined my joke.
1940. You were so close.
I really needed you to say
1985 or something, you asshole.
I don't mean it. You look upset.
You're not an asshole. I'm
just trying to be funny.
That was a perfect guess. You nailed it.
I just wasn't expecting
you to get it so good.
We'll retake it. Just say 1982.
Ready? We're gonna take this from the top.
Sir, what year do you think
Mountain Dew came out?
'83.
I said '82. What the hell?
You blew it.
What the? Stop improvising.
All right, take three.
What year do you think
Mountain Dew came out?
- '82.
- '82.
You're way off.
That's the year I came out. '82.
Of my mother. Not the closet.
That's 2026.
Anyways, leave this all
in. This is gold, folks.
Anyways, 1944 is a great guess.
1940 Mountain Dew came out.
Is that crazy? Is that
shocking to you guys?
Not to you, but to you guys,
is that shocking? 1940.
Hitler was jacked up on
Mountain Dew. Is that crazy?
He was like in a bunker. Like,
"Ah, do the Dew," you know?
That's not a great impression.
I'm not an impressionist.
Anyways, yeah, 1940, Mountain Dew.
Anyways, Picasso. Horrible guy, Picasso.
Hitler also, I don't wanna skip over that.
Hitler is worse, but
yeah, Picasso, bad guy.
Horrible misogynist.
Did you guys know that?
Terrible. Hated women.
I read that and I was like,
"Okay, he's a little Italian.
He's got some Italian
in him." I was close.
He was born in 1881. Died in 1973.
Long life. Tough lifespan
if you hate women.
You know what I mean?
Like so much progress for
women during his life.
He must have been furious, the poor guy.
His whole life, he's like,
"Oh! They're voting?"
When he was 20, he's like, "I hate women."
Everyone's like, "We all too, Pab. Relax.
They're not going anywhere."
Died in '73. That's when
Roe v. Wade got passed.
I feel like he was like,
"That's enough of this shit.
I'm outta here. I can't, no."
Women got the right to
vote in 1933 in Spain.
I did a lot of research for this joke.
I hope you guys appreciate it.
This is a real laugh
and learn we got here.
Women had it hard. Did you know that?
Ladies, did you know you had it hard?
Little girlies had a hard time out there.
Thanks for laughing. I'm
mansplaining women's suffrage.
I thought that would
be funny. And you guys.
No, women couldn't vote.
Women couldn't work.
I didn't know that.
Women had to fight for the right to work.
That's confusing misogyny.
That doesn't even make sense to me.
Like the men were like,
"No jobs, you bitches."
Isn't that weird?
Like if you hated a group,
wouldn't you want them to work?
Jobs suck. The men were like,
"Hey, we roof the houses."
The women, part of you
must have been like,
"All right, yeah, get up there.
I don't wanna go up there. There's bees."
It's also weird 'cause if your wife,
like my wife works, it's great.
If you have a a partner with a job,
it's like double, it's not double,
but it's like some more money, you know?
It's like a tiny bit more
that you put on your pile, you know?
Pretty nice. No, I'm glad
she, I wish she had two job.
I'm progressive. I think women
should have multiple jobs.
I feel like I'm slowly
losing some of you guys.
I'm kidding, of course. I love women.
I have a wife. She's a woman.
I'm serious.
I have a friend who's a
woman. I'm friends with women.
That's how progressive I
am. I have female friend.
Thank you very much. It's
not easy, I'll tell you that.
I have a friend, she's a
woman. She's very attractive.
She's single. We went to a party together.
And she goes, there was
a guy at this party,
"I really wanna have sex with him.
I need you to be my wingman."
And I was like, "Okay."
Like a wingman for a woman?
I don't even know what that means.
"I'll just tell the
guy you wanna fuck him.
I don't understand."
Do women think they need wingmen?
Ladies, if you wanna have sex with a guy,
just let him know, he will do it.
Even if he's married with
children, he'll be like,
"Yeah. Shit, yeah, okay, yes.
I'll text her in the, I'll
figure something out. Thank you.
Hard yes." I had never been so touched.
So I went up to the guy, I was like,
all right, I'll wingman it.
I went over and I was like,
"Hey, would you wanna have sex with her?"
And he was like, "Definitely."
I was like, "Okay, yeah. Done deal.
Just go do it. Yeah, she's in."
And they had sex. And she was pumped.
The next day she was like, "Oh my God.
What did you say to him?"
I was like, "Don't worry about it.
I know how to talk to these guys.
I got my own secret recipe. I
know how to talk to the boys."
If any of you ladies wanna
have sex with a guy in here,
let me know, I will broker the deal.
I can get it done.
I was never a great
wingman for men though,
'cause I don't know women
as well as I know men.
One time I was with my buddy
at a bar, this is years ago,
and he was like, he
was talking to a woman,
he was like, "You gotta be my wingman."
And I was like, "All right, dude."
And then he went to the bathroom
and I said to the woman, I was like,
"Hey, he's got a huge dick."
She was like, "What?"
And I was like, "Just a
massive cock on that guy.
You're gonna love it."
And she was like, "Ugh."
She got mad, she left.
He came back, and I was like,
"I'm not a great wingman.
I'm sorry. I thought
women were into that."
I was never great at getting laid.
One time, I was on a date in my 20s,
and this is like years ago.
I was drinking and we were like talking
and then I farted in
the middle of the date.
I didn't know that was like a big deal.
I was like, "Ah," (imitates
bomb exploding) you know?
And she went, "Ugh, try harder, Joe."
And I was like, "If I try
harder, I'm gonna shit my pants.
I mean, you can't force these things."
Anyways, I have a wife now
and it's very exciting.
And we have sex and that's
cool. We have a child.
Did you know that? I have a baby.
Yeah, I have a (indistinct).
Today's his birthday.
He's 1-year-old today.
I know, thank you. Yeah.
I should be with him. But
you guys bought tickets.
So I was like, "All right,
have a good birthday pal."
And I flew out here. No,
he's here, I'm joking.
He's not here. He's an
undisclosed location.
My wife gave birth. She's my hero.
It was unbelievable. I
really fell deeper in love.
You know, she was in labor for 22 hours.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
I know, it sounds horrible.
It's not that bad. I
have to tell you guys.
I don't mean that weird.
Labor is like kinda motion.
I know that's kind of a like,
okay, nobody's laughing.
All right, let me slow it
down. It's not (indistinct).
It's just not as, you look furious.
I'm sorry, I've upset both of you guys.
It's just not as, it's hard.
It's hard, it's very hard.
I wanna say that and express that.
I wouldn't wanna give birth.
It's not as hard as I thought.
My whole life, when someone
said they were in labor for 30,
I thought every minute
was like.
Or shitting blood and crying
and like ribs breaking.
My wife was asleep for 14 of the 22 hours.
They shoot you up with
like heroin and fentanyl.
The whole time, she was like,
And I had to sleep in a chair upright.
No drugs.
She had a bed, it was
adjustable. Multiple pillows.
I was in labor, she was in REM sleep.
I was like, "This is
crazy." My back still hurts.
And they hate men. And I don't
wanna sound like a victim.
They hate men in there.
They would walk in, I'm like,
"I think she wanted water."
And they're like, "Shut
up, shut the fuck up.
Piece of shit. It's her night.
Do you want some water?"
And I was like, "That's what I said."
It was hard. The last hour
seemed pretty uncomfortable.
And for me, both of us, we
had a hard time the last hour.
She ended up having a C-section.
The easy way out, I call it.
I'm sorry, I'm slowly upsetting
everybody. I feel bad.
Have you guys had a
C-section? Been to one?
It is wild. It is quite a show.
Yeah, did you have one?
- Yes.
- Nice.
Sir, were you there?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You're the real hero. That's what I say.
Us boys seeing them through
the night, you know?
If you've never been to a,
get yourself a ticket to a C-section.
It is something else.
It's like a magic trick.
'Cause you don't have a baby,
and then they hold up a curtain
and they're like.
And then you're like, "Whoa, whoa.
Woo!"
I'm like, "How the hell did you do that?"
And then they're like, "We can't reveal."
And you're like, "Can I guess?
Was it the bloody knife?
I feel like that's how you
did it. I can see the."
Good for you for being
there. I was right in there.
'Cause you can't see anything.
It's like a big curtain.
And it's just her head and
shoulders sticking out.
And I was right there. I
was like, "I love you."
I was crying, she was
crying. We were both crying.
It was very beautiful.
We said, "I love you."
I don't wanna get too
into, it was private.
Wasn't that private.
There was an anesthesiologist
right over us.
He was like right here, like,
"You guys are doing great."
And I was like, "Can you
turn around or some shit?
I'm trying to have a moment."
He was hot too, which I didn't appreciate.
That I didn't care for.
He had like perfect
teeth and a nice jawline.
I'm like, "Can we get an
ugly piece of shit back here?
Come on.
I don't wanna be the
second most attractive guy
talking to my wife during this."
I kept catching her looking at him.
She was like, "I love you
and you're fantastic."
I just really, how much do you make?"
And I was like, "Honey,
come on, over here."
Also, you don't want your baby to come out
and see him first, that's
what I was worried about.
And the baby's gonna be like, "Dad?"
I'm like, "No, no, it's me over here.
Sorry about everything. I just."
My son's like, "Ah, shit. Okay, fine."
Oh, it was special. I have a
voice recorder on my phone.
I recorded his first sounds on Earth.
I was like, "I wanna have this
forever." And it's so sweet.
He's like, "Oh." It's so sweet.
About 30 seconds in, you
hear a man's voice go,
"That's a huge placenta."
I swear to God. I have
no idea who said it.
All the doctors were women.
I feel like it was like a
janitor walked through, was like,
"Goddamn, look at that placenta."
And then you hear a woman go, "What?"
And he goes, "Huge placenta.
He doubles down on the placenta.
"Big old placenta on this broad."
I don't even know what placenta is,
But it's healthy, you can
eat it. Did you know that?
- No.
- Yeah.
Maybe not in Illinois, but
like California and New York,
places like that.
They make it into a pill you can take.
It's supposed to be very
healthy. I didn't do it.
I couldn't wait. I got
in my hands and knees.
Ate it right off the floor.
I was like, "Gimme, aha."
I'm healthy as a horse.
And then when you have a C-section,
they have to put your wife back together.
It's like a major surgery.
So they put the baby in
a crib and they're like,
"Dad, you go be with the baby.
We're gonna take care of Mom."
And then I was like a single
dad for like 45 minutes.
It was just the two of us.
I was like, "Hey, what's up, man?"
I sang him happy birthday.
I thought that was sweet.
I was like.
Happy birthday to you
He kept crying though.
It was hard, I felt bad.
He was sobbing. I was like,
"You probably want your mother.
It's a big moment. She should be here.
She's kind of a deadbeat, honestly.
I don't know what. She's over
there behind the curtain.
Probably making out with
the anesthesiologist
if I had to guess."
When we were leaving, the
doctor said, she goes,
"That was a major surgery."
She goes, "No intercourse for six weeks.
You need time to recover."
And then she was like, "Do
you have any questions?"
And I was like, "I have a
quick one. No, just real quick.
Like, I didn't have surgery,
so what's going on there?
Can I have sex, you know?"
Folks,
you see, why can't I have sex is the joke.
I didn't really say this.
I just thought that would be funny.
I feel like you guys
are like, "He means it.
He's the kind of guy that will fuck women
days after his child was born.
Mm. Not funny."
No, I didn't really.
We took the baby home.
I never thought about
this until I had a baby.
It's exciting. You bring the baby home.
And then I was like, "I'm
take him for a walk."
You gotta get 'em out and
expose 'em and all that.
And I put him in a stroller.
Did you ever think about this?
I never thought about
it until I had a baby.
We went for a walk. We
live in New York City.
And you come up to a red light
and you gotta cross the street.
And then when you cross the street,
the baby is the first one in the street.
Isn't that weird?
Like I'm at a red light, "All right.
Here we go, little buddy.
Get out there. Just a
born leader, this fellow."
Like when you have a 5-year-old,
you're not like crossing the street,
like "You go and I'll be a
foot and a half behind you
and I'll just."
And then with a baby you're like,
"Ah, look both ways, I guess."
His neck didn't even work at the time.
I had to turn his head for him.
So far so good. He's
fine and he's thriving.
Anyways. Then we went to the pediatrician.
And sometimes I try to
make, I'm a joke maker.
I'm a funny guy, I think, right? You know?
No? Fine, all right, that's fair.
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
Go to the pediatrician,
and I guess you're not
supposed to make jokes there.
I thought this was really funny, to me.
We went there and the doctor said,
"What are you putting on his
bum to prevent diaper rash?"
And then I went, "Ah, just
something we made at home."
Which I thought, that's funny.
She went, "What?" And I just doubled down.
I was like, "It's ketchup
and mustard mixed together,
it's kinda."
And then she just looked upset.
I was like, "Like the packets,
like from Burger King,
McDonald's we keep in the fridge.
We'll use Chick-fil-A sauce if he's good.
Not on Sunday. And then."
Just a bomb. Just really
bombed all the way through.
And I was like, "You know
what? You take the questions.
I'll just sit them out."
Anyways, so. I think I'm a good dad.
I feel like, you know?
That's nice of you though. Right.
Of course. There you go.
Why would I not be?
I feel like the universe
was really testing me
leading up to having a baby last year.
I kept having run-ins
with other people's kids,
which is always weird, you
don't know how to handle it.
I was in a hotel last year and I went to,
beautiful hotel, like a high rise hotel
with like a big beautiful elevator.
And I got in the elevator and it was me
and like a dad and his
son in the elevator.
He was like, you know, like this,
whatever age, this height.
You never know kids' heights,
'cause we never say kids' heights really.
Like adults, you're
like, "He's 5'10', 6'2"."
You're never like, "This
is my nephew. He's 2'6"."
You know?
"This is my son, he's 1'4".
And he's on the wall for some reason."
Anyways, I got on the elevator
with the father and son
and then the elevator was going down.
We stopped at a floor and the doors opened
and none of us got off the elevator.
And then nobody got on
the elevator either.
And then the doors
closed and we kept going.
And so I said, "Hey, it
must have been a ghost."
Little classic elevator humor, right?
And that's not my joke, by the way.
I don't wanna take credit.
That's an old elevator gag.
You guys are welcome to use that anytime.
Doors open and close,
no one gets off or on,
you say, "Must have been a ghost."
It's not getting a huge
laugh here, a little laugh.
It did not get any laugh
whatsoever on the elevator.
It bombed. In fact, the kid
started crying immediately.
I swear to God, I was like,
"Oh, it must have been a ghost."
The kid was like, "What?
And he started crying like tears.
And I felt bad for the kid.
But then the dad went,
"Hey, come on, man."
And I got annoyed with him.
I was like, "Hey dude,
your son is a little bitch.
It's not on me. It's not my fault.
You're raising a pussy. Not me."
It's a joke. It's a goddamn dad joke.
I'm like, "What if I pulled my thumbs off?
Is he gonna faint?"
Like, "Ooh, Papa.
His dang thumbs came off."
I tried to make him feel better.
I was like, "Ghosts don't need the doors
to open, little buddy.
They come through the walls.
They're boundless spirits that
haunt you at night. Come on."
I could have ruined his life, by the way.
I could have been like.
Falling down and like.
Kid would've spent his life in an asylum
thinking a ghost choked
a man on an elevator.
As we were leaving, I was like,
"Heads up, he's following
you. He's gonna get you.
When you fall asleep, stay
up so he doesn't get you.
You gotta stay awake. Piss the bed.
That's the only thing
that keeps ghosts away.
You gotta urinate in the
bed and your father's bed.
Piss on both beds. Protect
your family at all costs."
And then later that year,
I had another incident.
This was in the Salt Lake City Airport.
I was walking through the airport
and this time it was like a
little girl having a tantrum.
She was probably, I
don't know, 2'2", 2'3".
No, this is true though. She was on the.
You know when a kid like really loses it?
Like (imitates child
screaming), like a full tantrum.
And then the mother, she
tried to get me involved.
She goes, "You better get off the ground.
There's a nice man right here.
He's going to step on
your leg and break it
if you don't get up."
I swear to God, and
then the kid looks at me
like I'm a monster, like "What?"
And the mother was.
"Do you want me to go along with this?"
Like, "That's right, bitch, get up
or else I'll break your little baby leg.
That's what I do. I break children's legs.
I don't even have a ticket.
This is a service I provide.
I step on kids' limbs if they're upset."
I had a flight last year
and me and my friend Steve
was on the flight.
He's a comedian. He was opening for me.
And we were going to Omaha, Nebraska.
And we're on the same flight.
And I was in first class.
'Cause I'm better than him, of course.
So I got on the plane
and the seat next to me,
this beautiful woman sat next to me.
She was like really hot.
That has nothing to do with the story.
I want you to know that hot
women will sit next to me
if an airline tells them they have to.
We were sitting there, we
weren't really talking,
we were just minding our business.
And then my friend Steve got on the plane.
Now, comedians were like
ball busters, you know,
we like to shit on each other.
So when he got on the plane, I said,
"Hey, hey, I hope your bag
doesn't fit in the overhead."
Not hilarious. Just razzing him, you know?
And then this lady over here, she goes,
"That's a really dark
thing to wish on somebody."
And that annoyed me, 'cause
first of all, I'm like,
"We're not even friends."
But also I'm like,
"That's not a dark thing
to wish on somebody, right?
Dark would be like, "I
hope the plane crashes
and you're the only one that dies."
That would be a dark
thing to wish on somebody.
This isn't dark. So I just said, "Oh."
I went, "Oh, we're friends."
Which is my way of being like,
why don't you mind your
own business, you know?
And then she said, "That makes it worse."
Now that really annoyed me,
'cause now we're like in a full fight.
And also, she's wrong again,
'cause I'm like, "That
doesn't make it worse.
That makes it better."
It would be way worse if random people
were getting on a plane and
I was sitting in first class
going, "Hey, I hope your bag
doesn't fit in the overhead."
They're like, "What?"
Like, "I said I hope your bag doesn't fit
in the overhead, fuck face."
"Do I know you?" "No, you don't know me.
I don't like your vibes. Get
back there you piece of shit.
First class. Hoo-hoo."
I'm like, "That would be
completely psychotic."
And I wouldn't do that to a
random person. I'm a nice guy.
You know, I'm a good boy.
I'm like a people pleaser.
I want everyone to like
me. Do you guys have that?
You want everyone to like you, right?
No, you don't give a shit?
That's hot, that's cool.
You like, yeah, right? Yeah.
I need you to like me. I like you.
All right.
I try to be nice.
You know that saying,
don't mistake my kindness
for weakness?
Like you don't wanna be too
nice 'cause if you're too kind,
people think you're weak, right?
I'm not the complete reverse of that.
People mistake my weakness for kindness.
You guys ever, people are like,
"You're a really nice guy."
And I'm like, "I fucking hate you.
I don't know how to express
it." Do you guys ever have that?
I got friends for like 25 years.
They're like, "You're
always there for me."
I'm like, "I don't want to be,
I really very much dislike you.
I have no ability to set boundaries.
I would like to get
outta this, but I can't.
So, yeah."
Sometimes I'll go to Starbucks,
they forget my drink for like 10 minutes.
I'm like, "Don't worry about
it. I got nowhere to be."
And they're like, "You're so nice."
I'm like, "I hope this place burns down
the second I leave here.
I am furious."
You ever try to make small talk,
like connect with somebody
by being like (indistinct),
and that like ruins their life?
Have you guys ever had that?
It doesn't matter. This is what happened.
I'll tell you my story. It's awful.
Just ahead of time, I
know I'm the asshole here.
This is what happened. I went
for a run, I'm a big runner.
I used to run, well, I used
to be a competitive runner
in high school and in my
20s, and now I still run.
But when the baby was born, I
took like a couple months off
'cause we were busy and tired.
So then I went for a run
and I hadn't run in a while.
So I felt not my best, you know?
And I went for a run at
a track, and it was me,
and there was a woman
there and she was walking,
and she happened to be a large
lady, big gal, I would say.
XL maybe.
And she was out strolling
and I was running.
And I ran, I don't know,
three or four miles.
And when I finished, she
happened to be right next to me.
And we made eye contact. And I went, "Woo.
Don't you hate being outta shape?"
I know, I know.
But I meant like, don't
you hate that feeling
when you haven't worked
out in a long time?
Like, "Ah." And she went, "Yeah."
And I realized from her
perspective, she's just out walking,
trying to get it together.
And a skinny asshole
jogged laps around her
for like an hour.
Not an hour, a half hour, whatever.
I don't want you to think
I'm slow, like 20 minute,
whatever the fuck.
And then I stopped and was like,
"Don't you hate being outta shape?"
And I didn't know how to make it better.
I didn't wanna be like, "No,
I don't mean, 'cause you're,
and I'm like," you know,
it just makes it worse.
So all I could do is just run.
I just started running again.
I just, I was like, "Ah, ah."
Now it literally looks
like I paused my run
to be like, "You're bummed out, right?
"Okay, yeah. I just wanted
to make sure you're upset.
Okay, woo."
Whatever. I'll fucking die someday.
But I am, I'm a people,
I want everyone to like, some
people don't give a shit.
You say you don't care. That's awesome.
Man, that's so cool.
You're like a hot lady who
doesn't give a shit. Cool.
People that don't care, I'm impressed by.
The other day I was at a
restaurant, it was crowded,
and this guy's phone just
started ringing out loud,
like full volume.
Like.
And like, you know when
you hear a phone ringing,
you're like, "I hope that stops
soon," and usually it does.
But it just kept going, so
slowly everyone was like,
"What the? We hate you."
But the guy, I thought he
was gonna be like, "Oh."
But he was like.
Like unfazed, like he didn't care.
He was just staring at his phone ringing.
My phone has never made a
noise in public one time.
If it did, I would take it out
and fucking smash it on the ground.
I'd be like, "Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
Want me to kill myself?
Vote on it real quick.
If it's majority, I'll do it.
I'm so sorry. You shouldn't
have had to hear that.
Let me borrow your phone.
I'm gonna call my mother.
Tell her she did a shit job raising me
'cause my phone made a noise."
By the way, the guy put his
phone back in his pocket
still ringing, which I'd
never seen in my life.
It was like.
Anyways, I hated the guy,
but I wanted to be like him, you know?
But some people like don't get,
I'm like, I try to keep
a very low profile.
I mean, right now I'm
doing a show of course.
But like out in the world, I'm
like, "Ha, nobody notice me.
Ha ha."
But some people are
like fucking.
You know these people?
I was out to a breakfast
restaurant in Columbus, Ohio,
last year with my buddy Matt.
We were eating breakfast
and this lady walked into the restaurant
and she just yells out, she goes,
"Attention everybody."
Which to me, I don't wanna get political,
but I think you should go to
jail for like a couple days.
Not like prison, but like
county jail. Two or three days.
Just yells out "Attention everybody."
We're all eating. Like what?
She goes, "My friend is about to walk in.
She's a bride to be.
When she comes in,
everybody just go crazy."
And I'm eating a pancake,
like "Why don't you shut the fuck up?
How's that sound?"
Why don't you go crazy at the wedding?
Isn't that what the wedding is for?
I'm such a pussy though.
She walked in, I was like, "Woo!
Go girl." I'm so weak.
I was like, "I'm not
clapping for this idiot."
"Hey. Woo-woo."
It's not every day somebody gets married,
even though it is every day
that somebody gets married.
Then the lady started crying,
which I also thought
was completely insane.
She was like, "Oh my God,
thank you, guys. Thanks."
And I was like, "Why are you
crying?" Nobody gives a shit.
Your friend bullied us into clapping.
We don't actually care.
You and your husband could
die the night of the wedding.
None of us would be affected.
I'd be like, 'Who died?'
The lady from the breakfast? What?
Her and her husband both
died? That's hilarious.
They were so excited.
And now they're dead.
Woo. Classic."
Anyways. I go to Starbucks
a lot, like I said.
You guys like Starbucks or hate it?
It's very divisive. What do you guys?
You love it? Yeah, yeah.
Front row, yeah. Gabe in between.
Yes, it's the best.
I hate it too. Whatever you guys think.
Corporate assholes ruining
America. Best coffee ever.
I don't drink coffee
I go because I don't like,
I'm not a coffee guy.
I'm a green tea drinker. I like green tea.
Starbucks doesn't call
it green tea though.
They're very pretentious.
They call it "Emperor's Clouds and Mist."
It's embarrassing. I know.
Every morning I gotta go
to Starbucks and be like,
"Could I have a Grande
Emperor's Clouds and Mist?"
It's humiliating. I wish it was shorter.
And manlier. Like Cock,
something like that.
You know what I mean?
"Gimme a Grande Cock, hot.
And throw it on my back."
Something fun like that, you know?
There's a lot I love at Starbucks.
I have a very particular
order at Starbucks.
I'm like neurotic though. You
guys are probably similar.
I want my order exactly
the way I want it, right?
Yeah. You're nodding.
But I want them to like me.
So I came up with a system
and this is bulletproof
and you guys are welcome to use this.
This is my gift to you.
When I order, I look at my phone
and I tell 'em it's for my boss.
I don't have a boss, but
this way, if they're annoyed,
they can be annoyed by this
person I made up, you see?
I walk in, I'm like, "Hey, I
gotta get some stuff for my,
he's a piece of shit."
I throw him right under
the bus. He's not real.
I go, "Okay, he wants a Grande
Emperor's Clouds and Mist?
Is that a real d...
I've never even heard of this.
I drink black coffee. I'm a man.
I never heard of this bullshit."
She's like, "Yeah, we have that."
I'm like, "Okay. He wants one of those.
And he also wants a chocolate brownie.
Warmed up,
but not too melty, it says here.
'Cause last time he got
it all over his fingers
and his friends kept saying, "What?
Did you shit your pants, bro?"
And then he had to say,
"If I shit my pants,
why would it be on my fingers, you idiot?
Wouldn't it be in my pants?
Also, it's black, it's
obviously chocolate.
Is your shit black?"
I dunno, his friends sound
very mean spirited to me.
Then she goes to grab the brownie.
I'm like, "Not that brownie.
He wants the one back there.
See the extra fudgy one? Get that one.
He likes that one."
This last one's a little
weird. He's kind of a creep.
He wants to know, if I wasn't married,
would you wanna fuck me?"
Just a yes or no.
A yes would really go a long
way for his self-esteem.
Specials are fun.
You know, these people
that do the live special,
what a bunch of nitwits, you know?
I can be like this.
No one's ever gonna see that.
Have the special open with
that. That's a funny opening.
People will be like, "I
gotta watch this shit."
Sorry you had to experience that. Anyways.
You guys tattoo people? You got tattoos?
Where are my tattoo people?
You got some tattoos?
No? Yeah?
I wanna get a tattoo. They're cool, right?
They're so sexy and cool.
I just wanna get a tattoo.
And sometimes I'm like, "I'm
going. I'm getting a tattoo."
And then on the way there I'm like,
"I'll just get a T-shirt."
You guys ever think about that?
You can get a shirt with the same thing.
Save some money, no needles. You know?
I met one guy, he had a
Miami Dolphins tattoo.
He was like 'Fucking
Dolphins, bro. From Miami."
And all I could think was
they have so many shirts.
You could have got a hoodie,
jersey, hat, tank tops.
You know, you wear 'em to the game,
you're like "Fucking Dolphins."
And then when you have a funeral,
you're like, "No Dolphins today."
You know what I mean? Get some options.
I met one guy, he had
a tattoo of a rooster
on his calf muscle.
And I was like, "Oh
cool, you like roosters?"
And he goes, "No bro, it's
a cock below my knees."
Hear that reaction, like
everyone's kind of like,
"Oh, yeah, yeah."
That guy has that reaction
for the rest of his life.
Just people be like, "Oh, oh."
And all I can think is, why
didn't you get a pair of socks
with roosters on 'em?
You know what I mean?
Like you wear 'em to a
cookout with your boys
and you're like, "Hey, check it out.
I got a cock below my knees."
And everyone's like, "Nice."
And then you can be like, "All right,
so what else is going on?
What have you guys been up to?"
I just thought that'd be
funny for one second exactly.
You know, that way you
don't have to live your life
with a dick joke on your leg.
You don't have to explain
to your son one day
that his father is a fucking dipshit
with a dick pun on his leg.
It's also a weird joke
'cause the joke is like,
"Hey, I got a dick below
my knees," or whatever.
But I'm like, "Do you have a huge dick?"
You know what I mean?
It's kinda weird to be like,
"I got a dick below my knee,"
and you take your actual dick out,
it's just a regular nine inch
dick like everybody else.
It's embarrassing. You just
got an unimpressive nine inch.
You're like me, you gotta
look like a goddamn idiot.
One time I did that joke.
I think it's a funny joke.
And the lady in the back,
she went, "You're lying."
Thought that was funny 'cause I'm like,
"I'm not lying, I'm joking."
I'm not trying to convince everyone
I have a nine inch dick
at this point in the show.
I'm not like, "Ah, pull a fast one
on these folks right now."
Just being a silly goose up here.
Anyways, I have a baby
and, I have a child.
I have a niece too. I
have a niece and a nephew.
I have a lot of kids in my life.
I have a niece who's 11 years old
and she turned 10 last year.
I got her a birthday card
and put 50 bucks in it.
That's a good gift for a kid, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
50 buck. Kids love
money, did you know that?
Capitalism is built into the
souls of American children.
You give a kid money,
they're like "Fucking yes!"
Whoo!"
They go crazy. They don't even need it.
I've never seen a kid buy
anything my whole life.
Have you ever seen a kid pull out money
and purchase something?
You ever go out to eat with a kid?
They're never like, "Oh,
put your wallets away.
Let me get it. I got it.
I got my birthday cash.
Let me get the Ahhh.
I got the check. Come on."
I've never seen an
8-year-old girl be like,
"What's 20% of 49? I wanna
take care of the lady.
She was good. Come on."
I gave her 50
My nephew has 300. He's
like eight years old.
He has 300 bucks.
He shows it to me every
time I see him. Same three.
He's like a rapper in a
video. He's got it fanned out.
He's like, "Oh." Throwing it.
I'm like, "I got it. Yeah.
Buy something, your piece of shit.
Your parents are broke."
Anyways, I gave her 50
bucks. She loved it.
And then this year I was
like, "She's turning 11."
I'm like, "What do I get
her this year?" You know?
My wife goes, "Why don't
you give her 100 bucks?"
I was like, "Why don't I? Well,
because I her 50 last year.
That's why. I'm not
doubling it every year.
I can't set that precedent.
Her 18th birthday, I'll
owe her 16,500 bucks."
So I came up with something better.
I got her gift cards
to her favorite places.
She loves Jimmy John's, Dairy
Queen, and Olive Garden.
And I got her one gift card to
each. $10 gift card to each.
She was thrilled. She was pumped.
She was like, "Oh my God. Oh yeah."
She got three things, so she was excited.
She's too dumb to put
together she got $20 less
than she got last year.
It's brilliant.
Next year I'm getting
her five $5 gift cards.
I'm just gonna slowly
get her more and less
at the same time.
Very smart.
Also, Olive Garden,
hilarious gift for a kid.
Because now her father has
to take a family of five
to the Olive Garden.
It's a great gift, and
you're like, "You're welcome.
And fuck you, enjoy your $175 meal,
your fake Italian bullshit meal
with a $10 coupon from your daughter."
I have a nephew, he's 15 years
old. I just learned this.
I dunno if you guys know
this. He's a 15-year-old boy.
And he's in high school. And I
just found this out from him.
Did you know this?
High school boys don't wear jeans anymore?
Yeah, they don't, right?
You can confirm this.
Yeah, they wear like pajamas
and sweatpants, right?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Put that in so people can
see that this is a real.
They wear like joggers and sweatpants.
My question is this, and it's rhetorical,
what is going on with the boners?
That's what I wanna know.
Because if I wore
sweatpants to high school,
I would've been arrested
for sexual harassment
30 seconds into the first class.
I was rock hard every single
second of high school.
I would've had to wear
eight pairs of sweatpants.
Pajama pants? Are you kidding?
Tight jeans and a belt.
That's what got me through high school.
I would tuck it in and be like,
"Great dress, Cindy."
"Ow. Oh my God, my dick hurts.
Why?"
I think 'cause of TikTok,
they don't get bone.
I don't wanna get too deep into
why kids don't have boners,
but something's up.
I don't wanna Google it or
anything. It's gonna be flagged.
I was in Vegas last year.
I was playing poker.
I like to play poker at a casino.
And the dealer, he was telling stories
about celebrities who have come in
and played poker at his table.
And he said Ben Affleck came in.
He said Ben Affleck was the nicest guy.
Ben Affleck told everyone at the table.
He said, "Nobody tip the waitress.
I'm doing all the tipping."
And then he gave the waitress $15,000.
All right, great story.
Cool story. I was annoyed.
I feel like if I was the
waitress, I would be like,
"Why can't everyone else tip?
I don't understand.
Couldn't I make $15,080?"
It's kind of a dick move.
I think he's the best piece of
shit. Selfish guy, you know?
He should have been like,
"I'm giving 15 grand.
Who's matching me? Come on, you pussies."
What was I talking about? Oh, sex.
I like having sex. I don't
like my balls played with.
You guys like your balls played with?
Fellas, yes. Gabe and Nolan, yeah.
Raoul, yes. I'm in the minority here.
Everybody wants their balls, sir, balls?
Yeah, I'm similar. Yeah,
take it or leave it.
Yeah, I only leave it.
My balls aren't plugged in. I'm all penis.
I'm a penis guy. I want
my penis played with.
I was telling my buddy this, I go,
"I don't like my balls
but I want my penis,"
and he goes, "Oh, I'm the
complete opposite of you."
I was like "The complete opposite?
You're all balls?"
Just say you like your balls played with.
Don't say you're the opposite.
That makes it seem like you're
masturbating at home, like,
"Oh yeah. Oh, tug on my.
But don't touch my penis.
Just yank on my balls."
First of all, my balls are too long.
They're like 14 inches long
and bright red. It's terrible.
I know. I'm telling you.
You might as well play
with my elbow, I have no,
ticklish, the best
reaction you're gonna get
is like, (imitates giggling), you know.
I just, I dunno, people love it though.
You guys love it.
You always hear like, "Hey,
don't forget the balls.
Play with his balls." Those
are Picasso quotes of course.
Sometimes people do this, they go,
"Hey, did she play with the ball, hmm?
I'm like, "What is that?
Don't do that to balls.
You could twist 'em.
Yeah, if you twist your
balls, you can die.
I don't know if you know
that. Right, sir, you know?
It's called testicular
torsion. Any nurses here?
Doctors? Yeah, you know it, right?
Did you have it happen or you just know?
I just know.
You know. Do you work
in the medical field?
I'm a medical student.
You're a medical student?
Yeah, so you know, if the-
Yeah, bad deal.
Bad deal. Yeah.
Not a good deal at all.
And you can die if it doesn't get?
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah, testicular torsion.
You could kill somebody.
I mean you really can.
It's like the Death Star.
You know that one part of the Death Star
that if you shoot it, it blows up.
That's like the ball.
If you're in a fight with a
man, just flip his balls around.
One time I saw a pornographic
film. This is true.
And a woman was sucking a man's balls.
That's the worst thing I've
ever seen. It's the worst movie.
It looked horrible. I looked
like she was trying to eat him.
He looked like he was in pain.
He was like clutching the
wall. He was like, "Oh."
And the woman looked upset.
He was, I was bummed out.
Everybody was unhappy.
The whole gang of us.
I had to change the channel. I
was like, "This is terrible."
It looked painful. It
looked frustrating too.
'Cause you're so close to what
I would love for you to suck.
You know what I mean? The
penis is what I'm referring to.
It's like if you saw
someone with a popsicle
and they were sucking the
stick, you know what I mean?
You're like, "No, you silly goose.
The top is what you suck. Not the bottom."
My wife and I have sex and
that's fun. Yeah, it's cool.
I like it. We have sex all the time.
I'm very grateful. I
enjoy having sex with her.
And I'm grateful we have the sex.
But this is my one complaint.
This is how we have sex.
I'm always like, "Hey,
you wanna have sex?"
And she's like, "Yeah, all right."
You know what I mean?
She's never like, "Fucking
right, I do. Bitch."
You know what I mean?
She's never like, "Fill me up, you dork."
I need it. You know what I mean?
She's always like, "Yeah, all right."
She's never vocally
horny. That's my problem.
I didn't even know women got horny
till like three years ago.
I was at a party and this woman was like,
"I've been so horny lately."
I wasn't even talking to her.
I was with my buddy on the
other side of the room.
I was like, "Hold on. What
did you say over there?
Horny? What?"
So I Googled what makes women horny,
because I was curious.
And Google was like, "Come on
bro, you're better than this."
And I was like, "No, I know."
There was an article that
said pregnant women get horny.
And I was like, I could
try that, you know?
That's something. But if
it doesn't work, it sucks.
'Cause it's expensive and
you gotta raise a kid now,
you know?
So I asked my friend, I have
another friend who's a woman
and she has two kids.
And I said, "Were you horny
when you were pregnant?"
And she said, "I wasn't the first time,
but I was the second time."
And that was annoying, 'cause I'm like,
"Now I have to have two kids.
This is getting to be quite pricey."
And then she said, "Well,
the first one was a girl,
the second was a boy,
so maybe that's why."
I was like, "I'm sorry, are you saying
the baby dictates the horniness?
Is that your hypothesis?"
Like you think your
baby's inside you like,
"Ma, get some dick in here. Let's go.
I'm horny as shit."
I don't think that's how it works.
Also, boys might be hornier than girls,
but not for their dad's dick, right?
I mean, I've been really horny.
I've never like, "Dad, take
your dick out real quick.
Lemme just see it. Ooh, thank you.
Oh, I needed that. Nice refresher.
I appreciate it. I'm back."
Anyways, we have sex, and
I've been going to the gym,
I'm trying to get fit.
I want her to be like,
"Yeah, so hot." You know?
I took a workout class recently.
You guys ever take workout classes?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's always women. A couple women.
Men don't really take
workout classes I found out.
I took a class called Best Butt Ever.
It was starting, and it was like, "Hey,
we've got a class starting now."
I was like, "Well, I
want the best butt ever."
That's a women's class it turns out.
I was the only man.
It was 30 of the hottest women
I've ever seen in my whole life.
I looked like a predator
walking in at the last second.
I was like, "Hey." They were like, "Oh."
I was like, "Me too."
And I have a theory, I don't
know, I could be wrong.
I don't wanna sound misogynistic,
but I feel like women,
you work on your butts
'cause you know that men are
really into women's butts.
And I feel like guys don't
work on our butts that much
'cause women don't seem
to really care much
about our butts, seems like.
And every show, there's like a
woman who's like, "Not true."
And women might like men's butt,
but it's not the same
energy, you know what I mean?
Like, it's not the same level.
Don't you think?
Like every time we hear a woman
talking about a man's butt,
she's like, "He's got a cute butt."
And then I hear a man
talk about a woman's butt
and he's like, "I wanna
eat her asshole from behind
after a workout."
I'm like, "Oh yeah." You know what I mean?
I've never heard a woman say,
"I want him to use my face
as toilet paper."
But I have heard a man say
that. Multiple times this week.
Different guys.
I go to the gym and the reason I go,
I always wanna work out,
but then I always hit
the steam room instead.
I'm like, "I'm gonna go get a workout in."
And then I see the steam room.
I'm like, "I'll just steam."
You know what I mean? You
guys steam room people?
It's very relaxing. I'm glowing, aren't I?
Anyways, I go to the steam
room a lot. I love it.
My wife the other day,
she pulled up an article on her phone.
She goes, "Says here,
'Steam rooms in New York
are a place where men go to
have sex with each other.'"
I was like, "Oh wow, that's crazy."
And she held it up like it was evidence.
She was like.
I was like, "Yeah, I saw it."
She goes, "Don't you steam every day?"
And I was like, "Am I being accused
of having sex with men every day?"
She goes, "No, I'm asking,
do you see men having sex
in the steam room?"
Which is a hilarious question.
I love the idea that I've
just been sitting on this
as a topic of conversation.
You think I'm just
waiting to bring this up?
We ran outta things to
talk about eight years ago.
You think I'm just not
bringing up men having sex
in front of me daily?
If I saw men having sex in
front of me, I would call you
and be like, "I just
saw the darnest thing.
You're not gonna believe this.
It was really something else."
And then I got mad. Not at
her, and not at the men.
I got mad at myself, 'cause I was like,
am I just like a dork that's
ruining the sex party?
You know what I mean?
Is everybody fucking in the
steam room until I show up?
That's hurtful.
Like I walk in, everyone's
like, "Oh, shit, dude. Hey."
I'm like, "Hey, what's going on guys?
This is relaxing, huh?"
They're like, "It was relaxing.
I was about to come on this guy's back
until you showed up you fuckin nerd."
It's hurtful. You know what I mean?
I'd like to be invited.
Let me say no, you know, gimme the option.
I'm married and straight.
I'd probably pass.
You never know. You get
enough guys, enough steam.
I might feel around a little bit.
Just kind of see. It's
anonymous with the steam.
It would have to be a group.
One-on-one I don't really wanna.
It's too awkward to be like,
"Nice to meet you, Richard.
That was fun." You know what I mean?
I wouldn't like that.
But a group you can leave like Nixon,
like "Goodnight everybody."
I'm not a crook," you know, kind of?
The temperature's the big deterrent.
That's my issue with the steam.
It's 120 degrees in the steam room.
How do you have sex in 120 degree room?
I've had sex in a 73 degree room
and stopped to adjust the thermostat
where I'm like, "You know what?
Let me get it down to 68.
You're gonna get a better
performance outta me."
120, I feel like I can
do a third of a hand job
before I was like, "Hey
fellas, I know I'm new,
but can we crack that door?
What do you say? It's
2024, let the steam out.
Let's be free here."
You guys are amazing.
Thank you guys so much.
Thanks for coming. Thank you guys.
Appreciate it. I love it here.
Appreciate you guys.
and gentlemen, Joe List.
Thank you very much.
Wow. Wow.
Thank you very much. Wow.
That is very touching.
All right, thank you.
YouTube is never gonna believe this.
They're gonna be like,
"Nah, fake. Bullshit."
I'm dumb, I'm an idiot. Are you guys dumb?
Where are my dumb people? Who's dumb?
Come on.
Yeah. All right, nobody
admitted to being dumb.
All right, nice. You look
very smart, you're lying.
I love that you pat. He's
like, "She is a little dumb."
I'm dumb. This is how dumb I am.
The other day, I live in New York,
I have a telephone and I was looking at it
and a bird shit on my phone,
like a big ploppy bird shit.
That doesn't make me dumb.
But what does make me dumb is
I was like, "Oh, that sucks.
But that's kind of funny."
And then I tried to
screenshot the bird shit.
I took a screenshot.
I thought there was gonna be a photo
of bird shit on my phone.
And I was like, "Wait."
It took me a full like
four seconds, I would say,
to be like, "Wait, what?
Ah, that's not." It's embarrassing.
It sucks when a bird shits
on your phone, by the way,
'cause then you have to like,
you know, I don't carry a handkerchief
and like there's no,
you don't wanna wipe it on your clothes.
So I just had to walk
around with bird shit on my,
it felt like I was serving
bird shit, just kinda.
I got all the way home.
My wife's like, "Why are you
holding your phone like that?"
And I was like, "A bird shit on it."
And she's like, "Why didn't
you get a napkin or something?"
I'm like, "I don't, fuck,
I tried to screenshot it.
All right? I'm not smart.
I'm a moron. I think
technology's making us dumber.
'Cause like we react, you ever
try to zoom in on something
that's not a phone?
- Yes.
- You have, right?
Like you look at a menu and you're like,
"Why isn't this?"
I did it to my wife's vagina recently.
It's true. I wanted to
see where the pee hole is.
I don't know where women urinate from.
So I was kind of like, "Let me,
I wanna finally see that thing."
There's two holes down there.
Did you guys know that?
I don't even think women know that.
Yeah, there's the sex
hole and the pee hole.
There's the asshole also. I
don't wanna leave that out.
Anyways, I'm dumb and I wanna be smart.
I look smart. I got a
cool jacket and glasses.
But I'm a big idiot.
I try to watch film and have like,
but I never get it the
way I'm supposed to.
You ever watch a movie with a friend
and then after the movie's
over, your friend is like,
"You know what that movie was about?"
And then you're like, "Yeah, sharks."
And your friend is like, "No. Communism."
And you're like, "Fuck. Seriously?
"There were so many sharks in it though."
And then your friend goes,
"It was an allegory."
And then you gotta go to the bathroom
and look up what allegory means.
Have you guys ever had this experience?
You're like, "What the fuck?"
You gotta come back and play it off.
You're like, "It was a film
with a secret hidden message,
usually political or moral.
Those were communist sharks
now that I think a little more.
Fidel Sharkstro, right? Huh?"
They're like, "What? No."
I'm like, "All right."
I like to watch a movie
with a really smart person
and then rewatch the same
movie with a dumb person.
And then I take the smart
person's interpretations
so at least one person thinks I'm smart.
I watch the same film.
I'm like, "What do you think?
This movie's about sharks?"
He's like, "It's not?" And
I'm like, "No, you idiot.
It's an alimony. Why don't
you learn how to watch a film?
This is cinema. Those sharks
are communists, obviously."
And then he's like, "What
is communism exactly?"
And I'm like, "Ah, I'm not taking
follow up questions right now.
Lemme take a shit and then I'll tell you,
I'll know a little bit
more about communism
after I get this out and
I'll have a few words.
I think it's a religion of some sort."
I'm stupid. I thought Picasso was Italian.
Did you guys think that, the painter?
- Yeah.
- Right?
It sounds Italian, doesn't it?
I don't know who said "Yeah," but right?
Picasso, fucking hey. Picasso.
I hear, oh, I think Italian.
Spaghetti Os, Picasso.
I thought he was like,
"Hey, I'm painting cubes.
What do you want from me?" You know?
"I got both eyes on the same
side of the head, so blow me."
You know what I mean?
I thought he was like fuck hey, Picassio.
I thought all painters were Italian.
First of all, I thought it was
like Michelangelo, da Vinci,
Joe Pesci's mother in "Goodfellas."
But he's Spanish. Did you guys know that?
Some of you probably knew that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. He's Spanish.
He's from Spain.
I found out 'cause I went to an art museum
right here in the great city of Chicago,
the Art Institute, classic.
They have Picasso paintings
and I saw, I was like,
"Oh, those those are good."
Like I don't know a lot about art,
but I know he's good, Picasso.
He's top 10 in my opinion.
And they had a big painting
and underneath there was a plaque
and it says Picasso, Spain.
And I was so confident, I
didn't even think I was wrong.
I was like, "That is a
big fuck up right there."
I just "Woo."
I was like, "Honey, they
got a typo over here.
That's hilarious."
I reported it. I went to the front desk.
I was like, "Just a heads up.
I don't wanna get you guys in trouble.
But you have the wrong
country for Picasso.
He's Italian. I think
everybody knows that."
The lady said "Pablo?"
And I was like, "You know
what? That does sound Spanish.
Now that I hear it out loud."
His name is Pablo Picasso, he
is from Spain. I was way off.
Spain or Spanish has a
lot of Os also, I realize.
They have Pablo and queso, taco.
All the foods really. Burrito.
I knew nothing about Picasso.
I was kind of embarrassed
'cause I feel like I know
about the arts a little bit.
I looked him up, I read his Wikipedia page
and did you know this?
He died in 1973. Did you guys know that?
I thought he died in 1380. I almost shit.
1973. Picasso had a car.
Is that unbelievable to you guys?
Pablo Picasso was driving around
Spain in like a Honda Civic
listening to Led Zeppelin on the radio.
Ozzy Osborne and Pablo Picasso
were working at the same time.
He saw six Super Bowls.
That's great. I thought he
lived next to a blacksmith.
The guy's like at home
watching the Green Bay Packers
play the Kansas City Chiefs
on a colored television set,
drinking Mountain Dew.
I feel like people don't laugh at that,
'cause I feel like when I say
Mountain Dew, people are like,
"Wait, no, Mountain Dew came
out in like '78, '79, right?"
Is that what you're thinking?
'Cause that's what I thought.
I said it one night on
stage and I was like,
"I gotta fact check myself."
And I looked up Mountain
Dew and you're gonna shit.
What year do you think Mountain
Dew came out? Take a guess.
'44.
'44. You ruined my joke.
1940. You were so close.
I really needed you to say
1985 or something, you asshole.
I don't mean it. You look upset.
You're not an asshole. I'm
just trying to be funny.
That was a perfect guess. You nailed it.
I just wasn't expecting
you to get it so good.
We'll retake it. Just say 1982.
Ready? We're gonna take this from the top.
Sir, what year do you think
Mountain Dew came out?
'83.
I said '82. What the hell?
You blew it.
What the? Stop improvising.
All right, take three.
What year do you think
Mountain Dew came out?
- '82.
- '82.
You're way off.
That's the year I came out. '82.
Of my mother. Not the closet.
That's 2026.
Anyways, leave this all
in. This is gold, folks.
Anyways, 1944 is a great guess.
1940 Mountain Dew came out.
Is that crazy? Is that
shocking to you guys?
Not to you, but to you guys,
is that shocking? 1940.
Hitler was jacked up on
Mountain Dew. Is that crazy?
He was like in a bunker. Like,
"Ah, do the Dew," you know?
That's not a great impression.
I'm not an impressionist.
Anyways, yeah, 1940, Mountain Dew.
Anyways, Picasso. Horrible guy, Picasso.
Hitler also, I don't wanna skip over that.
Hitler is worse, but
yeah, Picasso, bad guy.
Horrible misogynist.
Did you guys know that?
Terrible. Hated women.
I read that and I was like,
"Okay, he's a little Italian.
He's got some Italian
in him." I was close.
He was born in 1881. Died in 1973.
Long life. Tough lifespan
if you hate women.
You know what I mean?
Like so much progress for
women during his life.
He must have been furious, the poor guy.
His whole life, he's like,
"Oh! They're voting?"
When he was 20, he's like, "I hate women."
Everyone's like, "We all too, Pab. Relax.
They're not going anywhere."
Died in '73. That's when
Roe v. Wade got passed.
I feel like he was like,
"That's enough of this shit.
I'm outta here. I can't, no."
Women got the right to
vote in 1933 in Spain.
I did a lot of research for this joke.
I hope you guys appreciate it.
This is a real laugh
and learn we got here.
Women had it hard. Did you know that?
Ladies, did you know you had it hard?
Little girlies had a hard time out there.
Thanks for laughing. I'm
mansplaining women's suffrage.
I thought that would
be funny. And you guys.
No, women couldn't vote.
Women couldn't work.
I didn't know that.
Women had to fight for the right to work.
That's confusing misogyny.
That doesn't even make sense to me.
Like the men were like,
"No jobs, you bitches."
Isn't that weird?
Like if you hated a group,
wouldn't you want them to work?
Jobs suck. The men were like,
"Hey, we roof the houses."
The women, part of you
must have been like,
"All right, yeah, get up there.
I don't wanna go up there. There's bees."
It's also weird 'cause if your wife,
like my wife works, it's great.
If you have a a partner with a job,
it's like double, it's not double,
but it's like some more money, you know?
It's like a tiny bit more
that you put on your pile, you know?
Pretty nice. No, I'm glad
she, I wish she had two job.
I'm progressive. I think women
should have multiple jobs.
I feel like I'm slowly
losing some of you guys.
I'm kidding, of course. I love women.
I have a wife. She's a woman.
I'm serious.
I have a friend who's a
woman. I'm friends with women.
That's how progressive I
am. I have female friend.
Thank you very much. It's
not easy, I'll tell you that.
I have a friend, she's a
woman. She's very attractive.
She's single. We went to a party together.
And she goes, there was
a guy at this party,
"I really wanna have sex with him.
I need you to be my wingman."
And I was like, "Okay."
Like a wingman for a woman?
I don't even know what that means.
"I'll just tell the
guy you wanna fuck him.
I don't understand."
Do women think they need wingmen?
Ladies, if you wanna have sex with a guy,
just let him know, he will do it.
Even if he's married with
children, he'll be like,
"Yeah. Shit, yeah, okay, yes.
I'll text her in the, I'll
figure something out. Thank you.
Hard yes." I had never been so touched.
So I went up to the guy, I was like,
all right, I'll wingman it.
I went over and I was like,
"Hey, would you wanna have sex with her?"
And he was like, "Definitely."
I was like, "Okay, yeah. Done deal.
Just go do it. Yeah, she's in."
And they had sex. And she was pumped.
The next day she was like, "Oh my God.
What did you say to him?"
I was like, "Don't worry about it.
I know how to talk to these guys.
I got my own secret recipe. I
know how to talk to the boys."
If any of you ladies wanna
have sex with a guy in here,
let me know, I will broker the deal.
I can get it done.
I was never a great
wingman for men though,
'cause I don't know women
as well as I know men.
One time I was with my buddy
at a bar, this is years ago,
and he was like, he
was talking to a woman,
he was like, "You gotta be my wingman."
And I was like, "All right, dude."
And then he went to the bathroom
and I said to the woman, I was like,
"Hey, he's got a huge dick."
She was like, "What?"
And I was like, "Just a
massive cock on that guy.
You're gonna love it."
And she was like, "Ugh."
She got mad, she left.
He came back, and I was like,
"I'm not a great wingman.
I'm sorry. I thought
women were into that."
I was never great at getting laid.
One time, I was on a date in my 20s,
and this is like years ago.
I was drinking and we were like talking
and then I farted in
the middle of the date.
I didn't know that was like a big deal.
I was like, "Ah," (imitates
bomb exploding) you know?
And she went, "Ugh, try harder, Joe."
And I was like, "If I try
harder, I'm gonna shit my pants.
I mean, you can't force these things."
Anyways, I have a wife now
and it's very exciting.
And we have sex and that's
cool. We have a child.
Did you know that? I have a baby.
Yeah, I have a (indistinct).
Today's his birthday.
He's 1-year-old today.
I know, thank you. Yeah.
I should be with him. But
you guys bought tickets.
So I was like, "All right,
have a good birthday pal."
And I flew out here. No,
he's here, I'm joking.
He's not here. He's an
undisclosed location.
My wife gave birth. She's my hero.
It was unbelievable. I
really fell deeper in love.
You know, she was in labor for 22 hours.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
I know, it sounds horrible.
It's not that bad. I
have to tell you guys.
I don't mean that weird.
Labor is like kinda motion.
I know that's kind of a like,
okay, nobody's laughing.
All right, let me slow it
down. It's not (indistinct).
It's just not as, you look furious.
I'm sorry, I've upset both of you guys.
It's just not as, it's hard.
It's hard, it's very hard.
I wanna say that and express that.
I wouldn't wanna give birth.
It's not as hard as I thought.
My whole life, when someone
said they were in labor for 30,
I thought every minute
was like.
Or shitting blood and crying
and like ribs breaking.
My wife was asleep for 14 of the 22 hours.
They shoot you up with
like heroin and fentanyl.
The whole time, she was like,
And I had to sleep in a chair upright.
No drugs.
She had a bed, it was
adjustable. Multiple pillows.
I was in labor, she was in REM sleep.
I was like, "This is
crazy." My back still hurts.
And they hate men. And I don't
wanna sound like a victim.
They hate men in there.
They would walk in, I'm like,
"I think she wanted water."
And they're like, "Shut
up, shut the fuck up.
Piece of shit. It's her night.
Do you want some water?"
And I was like, "That's what I said."
It was hard. The last hour
seemed pretty uncomfortable.
And for me, both of us, we
had a hard time the last hour.
She ended up having a C-section.
The easy way out, I call it.
I'm sorry, I'm slowly upsetting
everybody. I feel bad.
Have you guys had a
C-section? Been to one?
It is wild. It is quite a show.
Yeah, did you have one?
- Yes.
- Nice.
Sir, were you there?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You're the real hero. That's what I say.
Us boys seeing them through
the night, you know?
If you've never been to a,
get yourself a ticket to a C-section.
It is something else.
It's like a magic trick.
'Cause you don't have a baby,
and then they hold up a curtain
and they're like.
And then you're like, "Whoa, whoa.
Woo!"
I'm like, "How the hell did you do that?"
And then they're like, "We can't reveal."
And you're like, "Can I guess?
Was it the bloody knife?
I feel like that's how you
did it. I can see the."
Good for you for being
there. I was right in there.
'Cause you can't see anything.
It's like a big curtain.
And it's just her head and
shoulders sticking out.
And I was right there. I
was like, "I love you."
I was crying, she was
crying. We were both crying.
It was very beautiful.
We said, "I love you."
I don't wanna get too
into, it was private.
Wasn't that private.
There was an anesthesiologist
right over us.
He was like right here, like,
"You guys are doing great."
And I was like, "Can you
turn around or some shit?
I'm trying to have a moment."
He was hot too, which I didn't appreciate.
That I didn't care for.
He had like perfect
teeth and a nice jawline.
I'm like, "Can we get an
ugly piece of shit back here?
Come on.
I don't wanna be the
second most attractive guy
talking to my wife during this."
I kept catching her looking at him.
She was like, "I love you
and you're fantastic."
I just really, how much do you make?"
And I was like, "Honey,
come on, over here."
Also, you don't want your baby to come out
and see him first, that's
what I was worried about.
And the baby's gonna be like, "Dad?"
I'm like, "No, no, it's me over here.
Sorry about everything. I just."
My son's like, "Ah, shit. Okay, fine."
Oh, it was special. I have a
voice recorder on my phone.
I recorded his first sounds on Earth.
I was like, "I wanna have this
forever." And it's so sweet.
He's like, "Oh." It's so sweet.
About 30 seconds in, you
hear a man's voice go,
"That's a huge placenta."
I swear to God. I have
no idea who said it.
All the doctors were women.
I feel like it was like a
janitor walked through, was like,
"Goddamn, look at that placenta."
And then you hear a woman go, "What?"
And he goes, "Huge placenta.
He doubles down on the placenta.
"Big old placenta on this broad."
I don't even know what placenta is,
But it's healthy, you can
eat it. Did you know that?
- No.
- Yeah.
Maybe not in Illinois, but
like California and New York,
places like that.
They make it into a pill you can take.
It's supposed to be very
healthy. I didn't do it.
I couldn't wait. I got
in my hands and knees.
Ate it right off the floor.
I was like, "Gimme, aha."
I'm healthy as a horse.
And then when you have a C-section,
they have to put your wife back together.
It's like a major surgery.
So they put the baby in
a crib and they're like,
"Dad, you go be with the baby.
We're gonna take care of Mom."
And then I was like a single
dad for like 45 minutes.
It was just the two of us.
I was like, "Hey, what's up, man?"
I sang him happy birthday.
I thought that was sweet.
I was like.
Happy birthday to you
He kept crying though.
It was hard, I felt bad.
He was sobbing. I was like,
"You probably want your mother.
It's a big moment. She should be here.
She's kind of a deadbeat, honestly.
I don't know what. She's over
there behind the curtain.
Probably making out with
the anesthesiologist
if I had to guess."
When we were leaving, the
doctor said, she goes,
"That was a major surgery."
She goes, "No intercourse for six weeks.
You need time to recover."
And then she was like, "Do
you have any questions?"
And I was like, "I have a
quick one. No, just real quick.
Like, I didn't have surgery,
so what's going on there?
Can I have sex, you know?"
Folks,
you see, why can't I have sex is the joke.
I didn't really say this.
I just thought that would be funny.
I feel like you guys
are like, "He means it.
He's the kind of guy that will fuck women
days after his child was born.
Mm. Not funny."
No, I didn't really.
We took the baby home.
I never thought about
this until I had a baby.
It's exciting. You bring the baby home.
And then I was like, "I'm
take him for a walk."
You gotta get 'em out and
expose 'em and all that.
And I put him in a stroller.
Did you ever think about this?
I never thought about
it until I had a baby.
We went for a walk. We
live in New York City.
And you come up to a red light
and you gotta cross the street.
And then when you cross the street,
the baby is the first one in the street.
Isn't that weird?
Like I'm at a red light, "All right.
Here we go, little buddy.
Get out there. Just a
born leader, this fellow."
Like when you have a 5-year-old,
you're not like crossing the street,
like "You go and I'll be a
foot and a half behind you
and I'll just."
And then with a baby you're like,
"Ah, look both ways, I guess."
His neck didn't even work at the time.
I had to turn his head for him.
So far so good. He's
fine and he's thriving.
Anyways. Then we went to the pediatrician.
And sometimes I try to
make, I'm a joke maker.
I'm a funny guy, I think, right? You know?
No? Fine, all right, that's fair.
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
Go to the pediatrician,
and I guess you're not
supposed to make jokes there.
I thought this was really funny, to me.
We went there and the doctor said,
"What are you putting on his
bum to prevent diaper rash?"
And then I went, "Ah, just
something we made at home."
Which I thought, that's funny.
She went, "What?" And I just doubled down.
I was like, "It's ketchup
and mustard mixed together,
it's kinda."
And then she just looked upset.
I was like, "Like the packets,
like from Burger King,
McDonald's we keep in the fridge.
We'll use Chick-fil-A sauce if he's good.
Not on Sunday. And then."
Just a bomb. Just really
bombed all the way through.
And I was like, "You know
what? You take the questions.
I'll just sit them out."
Anyways, so. I think I'm a good dad.
I feel like, you know?
That's nice of you though. Right.
Of course. There you go.
Why would I not be?
I feel like the universe
was really testing me
leading up to having a baby last year.
I kept having run-ins
with other people's kids,
which is always weird, you
don't know how to handle it.
I was in a hotel last year and I went to,
beautiful hotel, like a high rise hotel
with like a big beautiful elevator.
And I got in the elevator and it was me
and like a dad and his
son in the elevator.
He was like, you know, like this,
whatever age, this height.
You never know kids' heights,
'cause we never say kids' heights really.
Like adults, you're
like, "He's 5'10', 6'2"."
You're never like, "This
is my nephew. He's 2'6"."
You know?
"This is my son, he's 1'4".
And he's on the wall for some reason."
Anyways, I got on the elevator
with the father and son
and then the elevator was going down.
We stopped at a floor and the doors opened
and none of us got off the elevator.
And then nobody got on
the elevator either.
And then the doors
closed and we kept going.
And so I said, "Hey, it
must have been a ghost."
Little classic elevator humor, right?
And that's not my joke, by the way.
I don't wanna take credit.
That's an old elevator gag.
You guys are welcome to use that anytime.
Doors open and close,
no one gets off or on,
you say, "Must have been a ghost."
It's not getting a huge
laugh here, a little laugh.
It did not get any laugh
whatsoever on the elevator.
It bombed. In fact, the kid
started crying immediately.
I swear to God, I was like,
"Oh, it must have been a ghost."
The kid was like, "What?
And he started crying like tears.
And I felt bad for the kid.
But then the dad went,
"Hey, come on, man."
And I got annoyed with him.
I was like, "Hey dude,
your son is a little bitch.
It's not on me. It's not my fault.
You're raising a pussy. Not me."
It's a joke. It's a goddamn dad joke.
I'm like, "What if I pulled my thumbs off?
Is he gonna faint?"
Like, "Ooh, Papa.
His dang thumbs came off."
I tried to make him feel better.
I was like, "Ghosts don't need the doors
to open, little buddy.
They come through the walls.
They're boundless spirits that
haunt you at night. Come on."
I could have ruined his life, by the way.
I could have been like.
Falling down and like.
Kid would've spent his life in an asylum
thinking a ghost choked
a man on an elevator.
As we were leaving, I was like,
"Heads up, he's following
you. He's gonna get you.
When you fall asleep, stay
up so he doesn't get you.
You gotta stay awake. Piss the bed.
That's the only thing
that keeps ghosts away.
You gotta urinate in the
bed and your father's bed.
Piss on both beds. Protect
your family at all costs."
And then later that year,
I had another incident.
This was in the Salt Lake City Airport.
I was walking through the airport
and this time it was like a
little girl having a tantrum.
She was probably, I
don't know, 2'2", 2'3".
No, this is true though. She was on the.
You know when a kid like really loses it?
Like (imitates child
screaming), like a full tantrum.
And then the mother, she
tried to get me involved.
She goes, "You better get off the ground.
There's a nice man right here.
He's going to step on
your leg and break it
if you don't get up."
I swear to God, and
then the kid looks at me
like I'm a monster, like "What?"
And the mother was.
"Do you want me to go along with this?"
Like, "That's right, bitch, get up
or else I'll break your little baby leg.
That's what I do. I break children's legs.
I don't even have a ticket.
This is a service I provide.
I step on kids' limbs if they're upset."
I had a flight last year
and me and my friend Steve
was on the flight.
He's a comedian. He was opening for me.
And we were going to Omaha, Nebraska.
And we're on the same flight.
And I was in first class.
'Cause I'm better than him, of course.
So I got on the plane
and the seat next to me,
this beautiful woman sat next to me.
She was like really hot.
That has nothing to do with the story.
I want you to know that hot
women will sit next to me
if an airline tells them they have to.
We were sitting there, we
weren't really talking,
we were just minding our business.
And then my friend Steve got on the plane.
Now, comedians were like
ball busters, you know,
we like to shit on each other.
So when he got on the plane, I said,
"Hey, hey, I hope your bag
doesn't fit in the overhead."
Not hilarious. Just razzing him, you know?
And then this lady over here, she goes,
"That's a really dark
thing to wish on somebody."
And that annoyed me, 'cause
first of all, I'm like,
"We're not even friends."
But also I'm like,
"That's not a dark thing
to wish on somebody, right?
Dark would be like, "I
hope the plane crashes
and you're the only one that dies."
That would be a dark
thing to wish on somebody.
This isn't dark. So I just said, "Oh."
I went, "Oh, we're friends."
Which is my way of being like,
why don't you mind your
own business, you know?
And then she said, "That makes it worse."
Now that really annoyed me,
'cause now we're like in a full fight.
And also, she's wrong again,
'cause I'm like, "That
doesn't make it worse.
That makes it better."
It would be way worse if random people
were getting on a plane and
I was sitting in first class
going, "Hey, I hope your bag
doesn't fit in the overhead."
They're like, "What?"
Like, "I said I hope your bag doesn't fit
in the overhead, fuck face."
"Do I know you?" "No, you don't know me.
I don't like your vibes. Get
back there you piece of shit.
First class. Hoo-hoo."
I'm like, "That would be
completely psychotic."
And I wouldn't do that to a
random person. I'm a nice guy.
You know, I'm a good boy.
I'm like a people pleaser.
I want everyone to like
me. Do you guys have that?
You want everyone to like you, right?
No, you don't give a shit?
That's hot, that's cool.
You like, yeah, right? Yeah.
I need you to like me. I like you.
All right.
I try to be nice.
You know that saying,
don't mistake my kindness
for weakness?
Like you don't wanna be too
nice 'cause if you're too kind,
people think you're weak, right?
I'm not the complete reverse of that.
People mistake my weakness for kindness.
You guys ever, people are like,
"You're a really nice guy."
And I'm like, "I fucking hate you.
I don't know how to express
it." Do you guys ever have that?
I got friends for like 25 years.
They're like, "You're
always there for me."
I'm like, "I don't want to be,
I really very much dislike you.
I have no ability to set boundaries.
I would like to get
outta this, but I can't.
So, yeah."
Sometimes I'll go to Starbucks,
they forget my drink for like 10 minutes.
I'm like, "Don't worry about
it. I got nowhere to be."
And they're like, "You're so nice."
I'm like, "I hope this place burns down
the second I leave here.
I am furious."
You ever try to make small talk,
like connect with somebody
by being like (indistinct),
and that like ruins their life?
Have you guys ever had that?
It doesn't matter. This is what happened.
I'll tell you my story. It's awful.
Just ahead of time, I
know I'm the asshole here.
This is what happened. I went
for a run, I'm a big runner.
I used to run, well, I used
to be a competitive runner
in high school and in my
20s, and now I still run.
But when the baby was born, I
took like a couple months off
'cause we were busy and tired.
So then I went for a run
and I hadn't run in a while.
So I felt not my best, you know?
And I went for a run at
a track, and it was me,
and there was a woman
there and she was walking,
and she happened to be a large
lady, big gal, I would say.
XL maybe.
And she was out strolling
and I was running.
And I ran, I don't know,
three or four miles.
And when I finished, she
happened to be right next to me.
And we made eye contact. And I went, "Woo.
Don't you hate being outta shape?"
I know, I know.
But I meant like, don't
you hate that feeling
when you haven't worked
out in a long time?
Like, "Ah." And she went, "Yeah."
And I realized from her
perspective, she's just out walking,
trying to get it together.
And a skinny asshole
jogged laps around her
for like an hour.
Not an hour, a half hour, whatever.
I don't want you to think
I'm slow, like 20 minute,
whatever the fuck.
And then I stopped and was like,
"Don't you hate being outta shape?"
And I didn't know how to make it better.
I didn't wanna be like, "No,
I don't mean, 'cause you're,
and I'm like," you know,
it just makes it worse.
So all I could do is just run.
I just started running again.
I just, I was like, "Ah, ah."
Now it literally looks
like I paused my run
to be like, "You're bummed out, right?
"Okay, yeah. I just wanted
to make sure you're upset.
Okay, woo."
Whatever. I'll fucking die someday.
But I am, I'm a people,
I want everyone to like, some
people don't give a shit.
You say you don't care. That's awesome.
Man, that's so cool.
You're like a hot lady who
doesn't give a shit. Cool.
People that don't care, I'm impressed by.
The other day I was at a
restaurant, it was crowded,
and this guy's phone just
started ringing out loud,
like full volume.
Like.
And like, you know when
you hear a phone ringing,
you're like, "I hope that stops
soon," and usually it does.
But it just kept going, so
slowly everyone was like,
"What the? We hate you."
But the guy, I thought he
was gonna be like, "Oh."
But he was like.
Like unfazed, like he didn't care.
He was just staring at his phone ringing.
My phone has never made a
noise in public one time.
If it did, I would take it out
and fucking smash it on the ground.
I'd be like, "Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
Want me to kill myself?
Vote on it real quick.
If it's majority, I'll do it.
I'm so sorry. You shouldn't
have had to hear that.
Let me borrow your phone.
I'm gonna call my mother.
Tell her she did a shit job raising me
'cause my phone made a noise."
By the way, the guy put his
phone back in his pocket
still ringing, which I'd
never seen in my life.
It was like.
Anyways, I hated the guy,
but I wanted to be like him, you know?
But some people like don't get,
I'm like, I try to keep
a very low profile.
I mean, right now I'm
doing a show of course.
But like out in the world, I'm
like, "Ha, nobody notice me.
Ha ha."
But some people are
like fucking.
You know these people?
I was out to a breakfast
restaurant in Columbus, Ohio,
last year with my buddy Matt.
We were eating breakfast
and this lady walked into the restaurant
and she just yells out, she goes,
"Attention everybody."
Which to me, I don't wanna get political,
but I think you should go to
jail for like a couple days.
Not like prison, but like
county jail. Two or three days.
Just yells out "Attention everybody."
We're all eating. Like what?
She goes, "My friend is about to walk in.
She's a bride to be.
When she comes in,
everybody just go crazy."
And I'm eating a pancake,
like "Why don't you shut the fuck up?
How's that sound?"
Why don't you go crazy at the wedding?
Isn't that what the wedding is for?
I'm such a pussy though.
She walked in, I was like, "Woo!
Go girl." I'm so weak.
I was like, "I'm not
clapping for this idiot."
"Hey. Woo-woo."
It's not every day somebody gets married,
even though it is every day
that somebody gets married.
Then the lady started crying,
which I also thought
was completely insane.
She was like, "Oh my God,
thank you, guys. Thanks."
And I was like, "Why are you
crying?" Nobody gives a shit.
Your friend bullied us into clapping.
We don't actually care.
You and your husband could
die the night of the wedding.
None of us would be affected.
I'd be like, 'Who died?'
The lady from the breakfast? What?
Her and her husband both
died? That's hilarious.
They were so excited.
And now they're dead.
Woo. Classic."
Anyways. I go to Starbucks
a lot, like I said.
You guys like Starbucks or hate it?
It's very divisive. What do you guys?
You love it? Yeah, yeah.
Front row, yeah. Gabe in between.
Yes, it's the best.
I hate it too. Whatever you guys think.
Corporate assholes ruining
America. Best coffee ever.
I don't drink coffee
I go because I don't like,
I'm not a coffee guy.
I'm a green tea drinker. I like green tea.
Starbucks doesn't call
it green tea though.
They're very pretentious.
They call it "Emperor's Clouds and Mist."
It's embarrassing. I know.
Every morning I gotta go
to Starbucks and be like,
"Could I have a Grande
Emperor's Clouds and Mist?"
It's humiliating. I wish it was shorter.
And manlier. Like Cock,
something like that.
You know what I mean?
"Gimme a Grande Cock, hot.
And throw it on my back."
Something fun like that, you know?
There's a lot I love at Starbucks.
I have a very particular
order at Starbucks.
I'm like neurotic though. You
guys are probably similar.
I want my order exactly
the way I want it, right?
Yeah. You're nodding.
But I want them to like me.
So I came up with a system
and this is bulletproof
and you guys are welcome to use this.
This is my gift to you.
When I order, I look at my phone
and I tell 'em it's for my boss.
I don't have a boss, but
this way, if they're annoyed,
they can be annoyed by this
person I made up, you see?
I walk in, I'm like, "Hey, I
gotta get some stuff for my,
he's a piece of shit."
I throw him right under
the bus. He's not real.
I go, "Okay, he wants a Grande
Emperor's Clouds and Mist?
Is that a real d...
I've never even heard of this.
I drink black coffee. I'm a man.
I never heard of this bullshit."
She's like, "Yeah, we have that."
I'm like, "Okay. He wants one of those.
And he also wants a chocolate brownie.
Warmed up,
but not too melty, it says here.
'Cause last time he got
it all over his fingers
and his friends kept saying, "What?
Did you shit your pants, bro?"
And then he had to say,
"If I shit my pants,
why would it be on my fingers, you idiot?
Wouldn't it be in my pants?
Also, it's black, it's
obviously chocolate.
Is your shit black?"
I dunno, his friends sound
very mean spirited to me.
Then she goes to grab the brownie.
I'm like, "Not that brownie.
He wants the one back there.
See the extra fudgy one? Get that one.
He likes that one."
This last one's a little
weird. He's kind of a creep.
He wants to know, if I wasn't married,
would you wanna fuck me?"
Just a yes or no.
A yes would really go a long
way for his self-esteem.
Specials are fun.
You know, these people
that do the live special,
what a bunch of nitwits, you know?
I can be like this.
No one's ever gonna see that.
Have the special open with
that. That's a funny opening.
People will be like, "I
gotta watch this shit."
Sorry you had to experience that. Anyways.
You guys tattoo people? You got tattoos?
Where are my tattoo people?
You got some tattoos?
No? Yeah?
I wanna get a tattoo. They're cool, right?
They're so sexy and cool.
I just wanna get a tattoo.
And sometimes I'm like, "I'm
going. I'm getting a tattoo."
And then on the way there I'm like,
"I'll just get a T-shirt."
You guys ever think about that?
You can get a shirt with the same thing.
Save some money, no needles. You know?
I met one guy, he had a
Miami Dolphins tattoo.
He was like 'Fucking
Dolphins, bro. From Miami."
And all I could think was
they have so many shirts.
You could have got a hoodie,
jersey, hat, tank tops.
You know, you wear 'em to the game,
you're like "Fucking Dolphins."
And then when you have a funeral,
you're like, "No Dolphins today."
You know what I mean? Get some options.
I met one guy, he had
a tattoo of a rooster
on his calf muscle.
And I was like, "Oh
cool, you like roosters?"
And he goes, "No bro, it's
a cock below my knees."
Hear that reaction, like
everyone's kind of like,
"Oh, yeah, yeah."
That guy has that reaction
for the rest of his life.
Just people be like, "Oh, oh."
And all I can think is, why
didn't you get a pair of socks
with roosters on 'em?
You know what I mean?
Like you wear 'em to a
cookout with your boys
and you're like, "Hey, check it out.
I got a cock below my knees."
And everyone's like, "Nice."
And then you can be like, "All right,
so what else is going on?
What have you guys been up to?"
I just thought that'd be
funny for one second exactly.
You know, that way you
don't have to live your life
with a dick joke on your leg.
You don't have to explain
to your son one day
that his father is a fucking dipshit
with a dick pun on his leg.
It's also a weird joke
'cause the joke is like,
"Hey, I got a dick below
my knees," or whatever.
But I'm like, "Do you have a huge dick?"
You know what I mean?
It's kinda weird to be like,
"I got a dick below my knee,"
and you take your actual dick out,
it's just a regular nine inch
dick like everybody else.
It's embarrassing. You just
got an unimpressive nine inch.
You're like me, you gotta
look like a goddamn idiot.
One time I did that joke.
I think it's a funny joke.
And the lady in the back,
she went, "You're lying."
Thought that was funny 'cause I'm like,
"I'm not lying, I'm joking."
I'm not trying to convince everyone
I have a nine inch dick
at this point in the show.
I'm not like, "Ah, pull a fast one
on these folks right now."
Just being a silly goose up here.
Anyways, I have a baby
and, I have a child.
I have a niece too. I
have a niece and a nephew.
I have a lot of kids in my life.
I have a niece who's 11 years old
and she turned 10 last year.
I got her a birthday card
and put 50 bucks in it.
That's a good gift for a kid, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
50 buck. Kids love
money, did you know that?
Capitalism is built into the
souls of American children.
You give a kid money,
they're like "Fucking yes!"
Whoo!"
They go crazy. They don't even need it.
I've never seen a kid buy
anything my whole life.
Have you ever seen a kid pull out money
and purchase something?
You ever go out to eat with a kid?
They're never like, "Oh,
put your wallets away.
Let me get it. I got it.
I got my birthday cash.
Let me get the Ahhh.
I got the check. Come on."
I've never seen an
8-year-old girl be like,
"What's 20% of 49? I wanna
take care of the lady.
She was good. Come on."
I gave her 50
My nephew has 300. He's
like eight years old.
He has 300 bucks.
He shows it to me every
time I see him. Same three.
He's like a rapper in a
video. He's got it fanned out.
He's like, "Oh." Throwing it.
I'm like, "I got it. Yeah.
Buy something, your piece of shit.
Your parents are broke."
Anyways, I gave her 50
bucks. She loved it.
And then this year I was
like, "She's turning 11."
I'm like, "What do I get
her this year?" You know?
My wife goes, "Why don't
you give her 100 bucks?"
I was like, "Why don't I? Well,
because I her 50 last year.
That's why. I'm not
doubling it every year.
I can't set that precedent.
Her 18th birthday, I'll
owe her 16,500 bucks."
So I came up with something better.
I got her gift cards
to her favorite places.
She loves Jimmy John's, Dairy
Queen, and Olive Garden.
And I got her one gift card to
each. $10 gift card to each.
She was thrilled. She was pumped.
She was like, "Oh my God. Oh yeah."
She got three things, so she was excited.
She's too dumb to put
together she got $20 less
than she got last year.
It's brilliant.
Next year I'm getting
her five $5 gift cards.
I'm just gonna slowly
get her more and less
at the same time.
Very smart.
Also, Olive Garden,
hilarious gift for a kid.
Because now her father has
to take a family of five
to the Olive Garden.
It's a great gift, and
you're like, "You're welcome.
And fuck you, enjoy your $175 meal,
your fake Italian bullshit meal
with a $10 coupon from your daughter."
I have a nephew, he's 15 years
old. I just learned this.
I dunno if you guys know
this. He's a 15-year-old boy.
And he's in high school. And I
just found this out from him.
Did you know this?
High school boys don't wear jeans anymore?
Yeah, they don't, right?
You can confirm this.
Yeah, they wear like pajamas
and sweatpants, right?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Put that in so people can
see that this is a real.
They wear like joggers and sweatpants.
My question is this, and it's rhetorical,
what is going on with the boners?
That's what I wanna know.
Because if I wore
sweatpants to high school,
I would've been arrested
for sexual harassment
30 seconds into the first class.
I was rock hard every single
second of high school.
I would've had to wear
eight pairs of sweatpants.
Pajama pants? Are you kidding?
Tight jeans and a belt.
That's what got me through high school.
I would tuck it in and be like,
"Great dress, Cindy."
"Ow. Oh my God, my dick hurts.
Why?"
I think 'cause of TikTok,
they don't get bone.
I don't wanna get too deep into
why kids don't have boners,
but something's up.
I don't wanna Google it or
anything. It's gonna be flagged.
I was in Vegas last year.
I was playing poker.
I like to play poker at a casino.
And the dealer, he was telling stories
about celebrities who have come in
and played poker at his table.
And he said Ben Affleck came in.
He said Ben Affleck was the nicest guy.
Ben Affleck told everyone at the table.
He said, "Nobody tip the waitress.
I'm doing all the tipping."
And then he gave the waitress $15,000.
All right, great story.
Cool story. I was annoyed.
I feel like if I was the
waitress, I would be like,
"Why can't everyone else tip?
I don't understand.
Couldn't I make $15,080?"
It's kind of a dick move.
I think he's the best piece of
shit. Selfish guy, you know?
He should have been like,
"I'm giving 15 grand.
Who's matching me? Come on, you pussies."
What was I talking about? Oh, sex.
I like having sex. I don't
like my balls played with.
You guys like your balls played with?
Fellas, yes. Gabe and Nolan, yeah.
Raoul, yes. I'm in the minority here.
Everybody wants their balls, sir, balls?
Yeah, I'm similar. Yeah,
take it or leave it.
Yeah, I only leave it.
My balls aren't plugged in. I'm all penis.
I'm a penis guy. I want
my penis played with.
I was telling my buddy this, I go,
"I don't like my balls
but I want my penis,"
and he goes, "Oh, I'm the
complete opposite of you."
I was like "The complete opposite?
You're all balls?"
Just say you like your balls played with.
Don't say you're the opposite.
That makes it seem like you're
masturbating at home, like,
"Oh yeah. Oh, tug on my.
But don't touch my penis.
Just yank on my balls."
First of all, my balls are too long.
They're like 14 inches long
and bright red. It's terrible.
I know. I'm telling you.
You might as well play
with my elbow, I have no,
ticklish, the best
reaction you're gonna get
is like, (imitates giggling), you know.
I just, I dunno, people love it though.
You guys love it.
You always hear like, "Hey,
don't forget the balls.
Play with his balls." Those
are Picasso quotes of course.
Sometimes people do this, they go,
"Hey, did she play with the ball, hmm?
I'm like, "What is that?
Don't do that to balls.
You could twist 'em.
Yeah, if you twist your
balls, you can die.
I don't know if you know
that. Right, sir, you know?
It's called testicular
torsion. Any nurses here?
Doctors? Yeah, you know it, right?
Did you have it happen or you just know?
I just know.
You know. Do you work
in the medical field?
I'm a medical student.
You're a medical student?
Yeah, so you know, if the-
Yeah, bad deal.
Bad deal. Yeah.
Not a good deal at all.
And you can die if it doesn't get?
Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah, testicular torsion.
You could kill somebody.
I mean you really can.
It's like the Death Star.
You know that one part of the Death Star
that if you shoot it, it blows up.
That's like the ball.
If you're in a fight with a
man, just flip his balls around.
One time I saw a pornographic
film. This is true.
And a woman was sucking a man's balls.
That's the worst thing I've
ever seen. It's the worst movie.
It looked horrible. I looked
like she was trying to eat him.
He looked like he was in pain.
He was like clutching the
wall. He was like, "Oh."
And the woman looked upset.
He was, I was bummed out.
Everybody was unhappy.
The whole gang of us.
I had to change the channel. I
was like, "This is terrible."
It looked painful. It
looked frustrating too.
'Cause you're so close to what
I would love for you to suck.
You know what I mean? The
penis is what I'm referring to.
It's like if you saw
someone with a popsicle
and they were sucking the
stick, you know what I mean?
You're like, "No, you silly goose.
The top is what you suck. Not the bottom."
My wife and I have sex and
that's fun. Yeah, it's cool.
I like it. We have sex all the time.
I'm very grateful. I
enjoy having sex with her.
And I'm grateful we have the sex.
But this is my one complaint.
This is how we have sex.
I'm always like, "Hey,
you wanna have sex?"
And she's like, "Yeah, all right."
You know what I mean?
She's never like, "Fucking
right, I do. Bitch."
You know what I mean?
She's never like, "Fill me up, you dork."
I need it. You know what I mean?
She's always like, "Yeah, all right."
She's never vocally
horny. That's my problem.
I didn't even know women got horny
till like three years ago.
I was at a party and this woman was like,
"I've been so horny lately."
I wasn't even talking to her.
I was with my buddy on the
other side of the room.
I was like, "Hold on. What
did you say over there?
Horny? What?"
So I Googled what makes women horny,
because I was curious.
And Google was like, "Come on
bro, you're better than this."
And I was like, "No, I know."
There was an article that
said pregnant women get horny.
And I was like, I could
try that, you know?
That's something. But if
it doesn't work, it sucks.
'Cause it's expensive and
you gotta raise a kid now,
you know?
So I asked my friend, I have
another friend who's a woman
and she has two kids.
And I said, "Were you horny
when you were pregnant?"
And she said, "I wasn't the first time,
but I was the second time."
And that was annoying, 'cause I'm like,
"Now I have to have two kids.
This is getting to be quite pricey."
And then she said, "Well,
the first one was a girl,
the second was a boy,
so maybe that's why."
I was like, "I'm sorry, are you saying
the baby dictates the horniness?
Is that your hypothesis?"
Like you think your
baby's inside you like,
"Ma, get some dick in here. Let's go.
I'm horny as shit."
I don't think that's how it works.
Also, boys might be hornier than girls,
but not for their dad's dick, right?
I mean, I've been really horny.
I've never like, "Dad, take
your dick out real quick.
Lemme just see it. Ooh, thank you.
Oh, I needed that. Nice refresher.
I appreciate it. I'm back."
Anyways, we have sex, and
I've been going to the gym,
I'm trying to get fit.
I want her to be like,
"Yeah, so hot." You know?
I took a workout class recently.
You guys ever take workout classes?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's always women. A couple women.
Men don't really take
workout classes I found out.
I took a class called Best Butt Ever.
It was starting, and it was like, "Hey,
we've got a class starting now."
I was like, "Well, I
want the best butt ever."
That's a women's class it turns out.
I was the only man.
It was 30 of the hottest women
I've ever seen in my whole life.
I looked like a predator
walking in at the last second.
I was like, "Hey." They were like, "Oh."
I was like, "Me too."
And I have a theory, I don't
know, I could be wrong.
I don't wanna sound misogynistic,
but I feel like women,
you work on your butts
'cause you know that men are
really into women's butts.
And I feel like guys don't
work on our butts that much
'cause women don't seem
to really care much
about our butts, seems like.
And every show, there's like a
woman who's like, "Not true."
And women might like men's butt,
but it's not the same
energy, you know what I mean?
Like, it's not the same level.
Don't you think?
Like every time we hear a woman
talking about a man's butt,
she's like, "He's got a cute butt."
And then I hear a man
talk about a woman's butt
and he's like, "I wanna
eat her asshole from behind
after a workout."
I'm like, "Oh yeah." You know what I mean?
I've never heard a woman say,
"I want him to use my face
as toilet paper."
But I have heard a man say
that. Multiple times this week.
Different guys.
I go to the gym and the reason I go,
I always wanna work out,
but then I always hit
the steam room instead.
I'm like, "I'm gonna go get a workout in."
And then I see the steam room.
I'm like, "I'll just steam."
You know what I mean? You
guys steam room people?
It's very relaxing. I'm glowing, aren't I?
Anyways, I go to the steam
room a lot. I love it.
My wife the other day,
she pulled up an article on her phone.
She goes, "Says here,
'Steam rooms in New York
are a place where men go to
have sex with each other.'"
I was like, "Oh wow, that's crazy."
And she held it up like it was evidence.
She was like.
I was like, "Yeah, I saw it."
She goes, "Don't you steam every day?"
And I was like, "Am I being accused
of having sex with men every day?"
She goes, "No, I'm asking,
do you see men having sex
in the steam room?"
Which is a hilarious question.
I love the idea that I've
just been sitting on this
as a topic of conversation.
You think I'm just
waiting to bring this up?
We ran outta things to
talk about eight years ago.
You think I'm just not
bringing up men having sex
in front of me daily?
If I saw men having sex in
front of me, I would call you
and be like, "I just
saw the darnest thing.
You're not gonna believe this.
It was really something else."
And then I got mad. Not at
her, and not at the men.
I got mad at myself, 'cause I was like,
am I just like a dork that's
ruining the sex party?
You know what I mean?
Is everybody fucking in the
steam room until I show up?
That's hurtful.
Like I walk in, everyone's
like, "Oh, shit, dude. Hey."
I'm like, "Hey, what's going on guys?
This is relaxing, huh?"
They're like, "It was relaxing.
I was about to come on this guy's back
until you showed up you fuckin nerd."
It's hurtful. You know what I mean?
I'd like to be invited.
Let me say no, you know, gimme the option.
I'm married and straight.
I'd probably pass.
You never know. You get
enough guys, enough steam.
I might feel around a little bit.
Just kind of see. It's
anonymous with the steam.
It would have to be a group.
One-on-one I don't really wanna.
It's too awkward to be like,
"Nice to meet you, Richard.
That was fun." You know what I mean?
I wouldn't like that.
But a group you can leave like Nixon,
like "Goodnight everybody."
I'm not a crook," you know, kind of?
The temperature's the big deterrent.
That's my issue with the steam.
It's 120 degrees in the steam room.
How do you have sex in 120 degree room?
I've had sex in a 73 degree room
and stopped to adjust the thermostat
where I'm like, "You know what?
Let me get it down to 68.
You're gonna get a better
performance outta me."
120, I feel like I can
do a third of a hand job
before I was like, "Hey
fellas, I know I'm new,
but can we crack that door?
What do you say? It's
2024, let the steam out.
Let's be free here."
You guys are amazing.
Thank you guys so much.
Thanks for coming. Thank you guys.
Appreciate it. I love it here.
Appreciate you guys.