Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual (2022) Movie Script

[atmospheric house music playing]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
Oh my God! Hello, Los Angeles!
[softly] What?
Let me hear it. A little bit more.
A little bit more.
That's right. That's right.
Oh my God! Hello, you guys!
I am so excited to be here.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh my God."
-"We didn't realize he'd be hot too." Um
-[scattered applause, catcalls]
Very bravely, I am.
Comedians can be hot now.
Comedians can be a vision, in fact. Um
And I'm representing
for that community tonight.
I'm so excited to be here
in Los Angeles, my adopted home.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
Oh my God, you guys are incredible.
Uh, I do love
One of the big perks of this job
is that I do get to travel a lot to do it,
but I don't always
get to go to incredible cities.
Um, like, the last road gig that I had
was actually in Boise, Idaho.
Okay A "whoo," okay. Um
We have different takes.
-[crowd laughs]
No, Boise was fine.
I had a good time in Boise, Idaho.
I have to say,
not a lot of Asian people in Boise.
I found this out the hard way
when I went to the P.F. Chang's
in Boise, Idaho.
And the way people reacted to me
when I walked into this restaurant,
you would've thought
I was fucking P.F. Chang himself.
-[crowd laughs]
-It was psychotic.
Like, people just
rushing around the restaurant.
"Oh my God, should we kneel?"
"I don't know!" You know?
"I've never seen one up close before."
I walked around
like I was a fucking boy prince
returning to my kingdom.
"Everything the light touches is mine."
"I'm not my father. I'm Kyle Chang."
[crowd laughs]
"We're gonna be doing things differently.
First, we'll be unfusing the cuisine."
"Everybody back to your own country!"
[crowd laughs]
You guys are smart. Cool.
[crowd laughs]
I love that.
You guys have graduate degrees.
-[crowd laughs]
I was, uh, making small talk with one
of the waitresses at the P.F. Chang's.
And she was like, "Where are you from?"
I was like, "I live in Los Angeles."
And I shit you not,
her immediate response was,
"Yeah, well, Boise has
a lot to offer too."
-[crowd laughs]
And I was like, "Yeah, bitch, I know.
I'm standing in a P.F. Chang's." Like
What else could I ask for from a city?
"You have a Shanghai burger?" What?
Like, "Give it to me."
I love to travel, I do, but um
I think I know the answer to this.
But are there gay people
in the audience tonight?
-Where are you guys? Okay.
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
You'll frighten them. They'll take
all the rights away again. [chuckles]
It's so scary.
But so you guys
I don't have to explain to you
that as gay people,
sometimes when we're traveling,
we have to do this thing
called code-switching,
which basically means that
when I'm in a red state,
-I start talking down here.
-[crowd laughs]
I start talking down here.
I start walking like a straight guy.
Very rigid, very teeny-tiny steps.
It's very gay to get anywhere on time.
-You know? Um
-[crowd laughs]
But I will never lie about my sexuality.
I will never lie about being gay.
Never again. No.
-[crowd whoops, applauds]
I spent too long in the closet.
I will not lie about my sexuality
unless my Uber driver looks at me funny,
in which case,
"Yeah, I do have a girlfriend!" Um
"Her name is Jessica. Uh, she grooms dogs,
and I love to kiss her."
[crowd laughs]
Basically use my theater degree
to perform a one-man show
called Toxic Masculinity
for Ron, you know?
He eats it up every time.
But the weird thing about this impulse
is that I do the complete opposite
when I'm in a major city,
like New York or LA,
specifically around women.
Like, the first thing I want women
to know about me is that I'm gay.
Because I know that
for women right now in this country,
your number-one cause of death
is men, you know?
And I just sort of
I wanna put you at ease
and let you know the only thing
in danger with me is your self-esteem.
-You know? So
-[crowd laughs]
[crowd applauding, whooping]
Love that jacket.
[crowd applauding, laughing]
Did you get it on Amazon? What? Um
I'm just kidding. I only do it to
the pretty girls 'cause I know
they can handle it.
[crowd laughing, cheering, applauding]
But the problem with this system
of flip-flopping back and forth
between these versions of myself
to make straight people comfortable
is that sometimes I get very confused,
and I get my wires crossed
about which version I'm supposed to be.
Like recently, I got home
very late at night, parked on my street.
There was a woman
walking her dog alone, and I was like,
"Oh fuck, I gotta make her feel safe.
I gotta make her feel safe."
"Which version of Joel is that again?"
"Oh no. Oh God, I can't remember."
And I just ended up bounding up on her,
like, "Hey, bitch, I love your shoes."
-[crowd laughs]
And that did not make her feel safe.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
I was like, "Oh, in that octave,
that does sound like a slur." Yeah, um
"I'm so sorry."
"So sorry about that."
You guys are a lot of fun.
I'm so sorry. I do have to sort of pause
the set really quickly, though,
and do a little bit of housekeeping. Um
Now, I promise this question
is not just about my ego.
It does crescendo into an amazing joke.
But who here in the audience
came to the show tonight
and had some inkling of who I was,
was familiar with my work
from previous stuff?
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop. I said!
[off mike] I said
[on mike] Stop it!
You guys are obsessed with me.
What do you want? A medal?
[crowd laughs]
More importantly
I love you. Thank you so much for coming.
But more importantly,
who here came to the show tonight
and had no fucking idea who I was,
never heard of me before?
[scattered whoops, applause]
I definitely didn't need
the "whoos" on that one.
-[crowd laughing]
Felt very pointed. Um
Thanks, I guess.
But Okay, so out of that second group,
this is absolutely vital to the show.
What I need is a straight white man.
I am the only person in the country
saying this right now.
I need a straight white man, okay?
Um, so narc on your friends.
Where are they?
The straight white men
who came and didn't know?
Right here. Okay, right there
in the back of the row. I love that.
-And, sir, what's your name?
-[man] Ben.
Ben? I've never heard of you either, okay?
-[crowd laughing]
So just so you're aware,
we are on the same page there.
Um, you are a stranger to me as well.
Now, here's the thing, Ben, okay?
I know exactly what you were thinking
when I walked out on stage tonight.
Okay? I get it.
I walked out on stage, and you're like,
"Oh, great. Here comes
this gay Oriental comedian."
"Just another gay Oriental comedian.
Gonna do some gay Oriental jokes."
"Just another gay Oriental."
"Just what I wanted to see tonight,
a gay Oriental comedian."
"Gay Oriental comedian," the exact words
that went through your head.
The exact words, "gay Oriental comedian."
He's shaking his head yes. Okay, um
[crowd laughing]
And that's fair. I get it. I get it.
Because here's the thing, guys.
I've been doing this job
for about 11 years now.
And, uh A long time.
A lot of my stuff
has ended up online out there.
And over lockdown,
I decided to do this amazing thing
called "reading the comments."
-[crowd laughs]
Very healthy.
Um, and while reading the comments,
there were a lot of Bens, I gotta tell ya.
A lot of straight white men
who were saying things like,
"Oh my God,
this guy only talks about being gay."
"He only talks about being Asian."
"How am I supposed to relate to that?"
"And if I can't relate to that,
how am I supposed to laugh?"
And I was like, "Oh no."
That is not what I want at all.
Like, I want to be a comedian
that appeals to all demographics,
especially the most important one,
you know?
[crowd laughs]
I was upset. I was upset.
I needed to do something.
That's where you come in, Ben.
So this is what's happening.
You have now been plucked from obscurity.
[crowd laughing]
You are on the world stage now.
You are now representing
every single straight white man
in America, okay?
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
All right.
Why are we clapping for that, okay?
[crowd laughs]
This is feeling like a Trump rally
all of a sudden, okay?
Now, Ben. Now, Ben.
What I'm gonna ask from you now,
so I have
so I can make sure that my jokes
are hitting with you and your people,
is on the count of three,
I'm just gonna ask you to give me
your most natural laugh, okay?
Everybody else, shut up!
One, two, three.
[Ben laughs timidly]
-[crowd laughing]
-[mike hits floor]
[crowd whoops, applauds]
[laughter continues]
Ben, come on. Come on.
Ben, give me a real Give
Laugh like I'm Louis, okay? Come on.
Like, give me
something real here, all right?
You got one more shot. One, two, three.
[Ben cackles timidly]
[crowd laughing]
Well, I guess I'll listen
for a white man in pain, um,
for the rest of the show,
and that's how it's gonna go.
But you are important.
We'll be checking back in
periodically throughout the night.
I need to hear your thoughts, okay?
Now, there were people in the second group
who had never heard of me.
And for those people, I do wanna back up
and give you context for who I am.
First off, um, I I was adopted.
My parents are whiter
than a fresh sheet of snow, you know?
Um, that's why I have
this very goofy name, Joel Kim Booster.
Booster, obviously not an Asian surname.
That has, however, never stopped someone
from trying to pronounce it
like an Asian surname.
[crowd laughs]
And I know what you're thinking.
"How do [chuckles] they do that, Joel?"
It's so straightforward phonetically.
And yet, and yet,
almost every single time
I check into a hotel, I hand them my ID.
They look at my ID
and at my face. They say,
"That's not what I was expecting at all!"
And they go, "Yes, your room is ready, Mr
Boo-star?" [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
And it's like, "No, that's not even
a pronunciation of my name."
"You're just saying it
with an offensive Asian accent."
Like, let's do better
at this Marriott Courtyard, please.
[scattered laughs]
It's outrageous.
But, yes, I have a white family.
Uh, my mom's side of the family
actually is all from the South.
I have family in Alabama, and Tennessee,
and South Carolina, all over the place.
I love that side of the family.
Um, I really do. I love them dearly.
That side of the family,
though, is really fixated
on one thing specifically though.
And I've learned this over the years
following their social media accounts.
That side of the family
is deeply obsessed with, you guessed it,
-[crowd laughs]
They love a statue.
Can't get enough of a statue down there.
And I was recently
talking to my mom on the phone about it.
And she was like, Joel,
"They're tearing down all these statues
of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis.
What's next?"
"Are they gonna tear down
statues of George Washington
and Christopher Columbus too?"
And I was like,
"Oh, Mom, I don't give a shit."
[laughing] You know? Like, that's not
"I'm so sorry. You've misunderstood
who you're communicating with."
"I've got a tiny computer in my pocket
that's got gay porn
and Candy Crush on it, okay?"
"I don't give a fuck about a statue
right now, Mama, all right?"
Like, here's an idea, put a USB port
in George Washington's ass,
and then maybe I'll care, okay?
Like, here's my idea for statues.
Let's tear down every single
fucking statue in this country
and replace them with charging stations!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
-Argument over. Argument over.
-[crowd member] Yes!
So as you can imagine, growing up, uh,
looking like this in a white family,
it was a little fraught at times.
Like, I learned very quickly
as a visible minority
that when you are a visible minority,
a lot of people from outside the group
will try and pathologize
all of your behavior.
They really just want everything you do
to represent the rest of the group.
And this happened An example of this
happened to me recently.
I went to a house party in Los Angeles.
And there were three other Asian people
at this party. None of us knew each other.
We were all brought there,
sponsored by our own white friend.
And, um, I went to this party,
and I am not shitting you guys.
I'm not making this up for the bit.
This actually happened.
I walked in,
and I realized that all four of us
were wearing something
with the Tasmanian Devil on it. [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
And I was like, "Oh no!"
You know? I called us all
into the kitchen, and I was like,
"Somebody's gotta go home and change.
We're creating new stereotypes
for these people."
[crowd applauds, whoops]
But it was too late. There were
white girls walking around the party like,
"Yeah, I guess it's the Year of the Taz."
-[crowd laughs]
"Their astrology is different than ours.
He's very important in their culture."
"He's the Grand Marshal
of all their parades."
"He's very fun."
But there are Asian people
in here tonight, correct?
-[crowd cheers]
Oh, only at my Netflix taping
do they feel safe screaming. Um
It's very cool. Well, this is the problem
with my upbringing, though,
is that as an adult, I do feel
very connected to being Asian-American.
I feel very connected racially
as an Asian person in America,
but I am sort of missing
the cultural specificity
of what it means to be Korean
because I didn't have,
like, Korean grandparents
passing me down traditions
as a as a child.
Like, where are the Koreans at tonight?
Where are you?
Yes, right there. Okay, wonderful.
And, and, um, you, you didn't
raise your hand. You're not Korean.
Well, which What, um Which flavor? What
-[crowd laughs]
See? I even talk to an Asian person
like a white person.
-[crowd laughs]
What's your ethnicity?
-[man] Vietnamese.
-Vietnamese? Okay.
And so you have Korean grandparents,
I'm assuming. Correct?
-[woman] Yes.
-You do.
And so I guess, like,
my question for you is, like
"Do we hate him?" You know?
-[crowd laughs]
Like Like this is the thing.
I did not learn
who I'm supposed to be racist against
within the continent, you know?
And that's a big part of our culture.
It's huge for us. Like
[crowd cheering, whooping]
Like And be honest. Be honest.
Which ones do your grandparents hate?
-Which ones? Say it loud.
-[woman] Japanese.
Japanese! It was on the tip of her tongue!
It was on the tip of her tongue.
And here's the thing,
like, that is rough to hear,
but they know what they did.
-You know? Uh
-[crowd laughing]
They know, okay? [snickers]
Are there any Japanese people
in the room tonight?
Okay, you have to go.
-[crowd laughing]
I'm kidding. You can stay, for now.
-[crowd laughs]
It is very fun. It is great being Asian.
Um, but you are here Are you
You are Vietnamese,
and you're here with this gentleman.
I see his hand
is basically in your crotch. Um
[crowd laughs]
It's wonderful. And I wanna confirm
very quickly that you are white.
-[man] Yes.
-[Joel] Yes.
Janine, get a close-up
of this white man's face. Okay, um
And is he, um
Is he your first Asian,
or one of many in, like, a long line
-[audience groaning]
-Like a succession of Asians?
[man] Not the first.
Not the first.
[crowd laughs]
You know? You gotta ask the question.
You do have to ask the question.
'Cause sometimes they're like,
"Gotta catch 'em all." You know?
-[crowd laughs]
And it can be
really uncomfortable sometimes.
Like, listen, I, like, I'm fine
I'm sure you guys
have a lovely relationship,
but there are guys out there
with really intense Asian fetishes.
And I don't begrudge them that. I don't.
But I just Like, sometimes,
they say the weirdest shit to you.
And it's really uncomfortable.
I was talking to one on a dating app,
and we were sort of going back and forth,
and out of nowhere, he drops like,
"Hey, you're Korean, right?"
And I was like, "Yeah, I am."
"How did you know?
I didn't tell you that yet."
And he was like,
"I could tell from your eye shape."
-And I was like, "What? What?"
-[crowd groans]
Like, "Are you gonna measure
my skull next too, you weirdo?"
"Put the calipers away."
Like, you can't say shit like that
to somebody in 2022. That's weird.
And it's doubly weird, 'cause I hadn't
sent him pictures of my face yet,
only of my asshole.
So which eye shape
are you referring to, Detective Pikachu.
Get out of here.
[scattered laughs, applause]
Now, that is a joke
because I actually have never
successfully taken a picture
of that part of my body. Um
Not because I don't want to,
but it seems complicated.
I feel like I'd need scaffolding
and a team to get it done.
You know? Like, taking a hole pic
by yourself is so dark.
Like, just squatting over
your front-facing camera.
You know? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Like, God bless the men in our community
who can do it successfully alone.
Like, I actually, though
I did receive a hole pic recently,
and the man somehow got his hole
and his whole face in the picture.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
That's not what you wanna see.
Just, like, their hole and their dead eyes
just in the background.
Just sort of, like, looking like a raccoon
caught on security footage.
[crowd laughs]
No. No, no, no, no.
Not for me.
Now, that's not to say I have
Obviously, I'm a millennial.
I've taken several nudes.
Um, dozens. Hundreds of nudes, probably.
I'm constantly taking pictures
of my naked body
and sending them out
with reckless abandon.
Um, 'cause I've been
so irresponsible about it, uh,
last Christmas, on literal Christmas Eve
I found out
that all my nudes leaked online.
Yeah, I know. I can see some of you
reaching for your phone right now. Um
No, it happened, and, like, I was upset.
Obviously, I was, uh, angry.
I felt violated.
Um, but then I found out they were put
on a website for male "celebrity" nudes,
and I was like, "They can stay."
You know? Like
"They can stay." You know? Like
Leave them up until New Year's.
Let the kids have some fun.
It's been a hard two years,
you know? Like
Then I looked at the comments,
and all the reviews were good.
So I was like, "What the fuck do I care?"
I don't even send nudes anymore.
I just send the link.
You know? Just like
[crowd laughs]
Cut out the middleman. It's way easier.
It is so, so much easier.
Um, I love, obviously, to send a dick pic.
I know we're divided as a nation
right now on dick pics.
Um, but I love to send them.
Um, I will say I've gotten
a couple of weird responses back
to my dick pics before.
Like I sent out a dick pic recently,
and the guy sent back, "Nice."
[crowd laughs]
"Got a fresh one?"
And I was like, "A fresh one?"
What do you want me to do?
Hold a newspaper next to it,
like it's a kidnapping victim? Like
It's my dick.
It's not fucking Patty Hearst. Like
What are we doing here, you know?
I've received a great many dick pics
in my lifetime.
I've I've probably seen upwards
of thousands at this point.
Um, I feel like
an anthropologist, honestly.
I feel like the Jane Goodall of dicks.
-[man] Yeah!
And I feel qualified at this point
to make this observation
about men and their penises,
which is, um Which is this.
It's that most men in this world
are obsessed with the size of their penis,
but they forget
that their penis
can also be terribly ugly too,
which is a bigger issue
in the grand scheme of things.
'Cause have you seen an ugly dick?
The last thing
you want it to be is bigger.
Nobody is putting
a magnifying lens on that thing.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
Like, "Oh, that penis looks like
a tree branch caught in a fence."
Like, "What happened to that?"
"Oh, that penis over there?
It got struck by lightning,
fell over sideways,
and kept on growing." You know?
"A real miracle of nature.
Shouldn't exist, but it does."
"People bury their dead pets underneath,
and they come alive at night!"
[crowd laughing]
It's a miracle, really.
But no, I do I do think a little bit
that sometimes Asian fetishes
are sort of based in racism.
Like, I do sometimes think it's racist
if you have an Asian fetish.
But I do think it's doubly racist
if you have an Asian fetish
and you're not attracted to me,
specifically. You know, that really hurts.
I don't appreciate that at all.
Like, "What boxes
aren't I checking for you, sir?"
And actually, I know the boxes
because it goes back to my background.
Like, I don't have
the cultural Asian background
that a lot of these guys
are looking for, you know?
Like, to them, a lot of these guys,
I'm a bait-and-switch, you know?
It's like they showed up
to the car lot one day,
and they were like,
"Oh, I got this amazing Honda."
Then they drove it, and they're like,
"What the fuck? This is PT Cruiser."
-You know? Like
-[crowd laughs]
Really tough.
And listen, I am not immune.
Live, I've dated
In my twenties, I made a lot of mistakes.
I dated a lot of rice queens.
That's what we call them in our community.
I dated a lot of rice queens.
I dated so many guys
with multiple katanas
on the wall, okay? Like
And I gotta tell ya,
one katana is too many.
[crowd laughs]
Two katanas, run, you know? Uh
But I went on a date once with this guy.
He was a self-professed rice queen.
He loved Asian guys.
We went on the date,
and it went well enough
that we did end up fucking
at the end of the day.
And in the middle of lovemaking,
he leaned forward at one point,
and he was like, "Hey."
And I was like, "Hi."
-[crowd laughs]
"What's up?" [nervous laugh]
And I shit you not,
he said this verbatim to me.
He leaned forward, and he said,
"You sure don't fuck like an Asian guy."
[crowd groans]
I know. I know. It was shocking to me.
I like I was so young.
And I didn't know what to do
with that information at the time.
Like, I panicked and did
the first thing that came to mind.
I karate-chopped in his penis.
-[crowd laughs, applauds, cheers]
And then I picked up all my clothes
and never went back to that Quiznos.
Simply not allowed
in Michigan, Illinois, or Indiana.
Um, just does not happen for me.
[scattered laughter]
Hi, Ben.
[crowd laughs]
How are you doing?
-[Ben] Killing it.
-[Joel] Great. So here's the thing, Ben.
That was the end
of Act 1 of the set, okay?
You might've noticed
that with Act 1, I front-loaded it
with a lot of jokes about being gay
and a lot of jokes
about being Asian, okay?
And now, all of these people
feel represented, okay?
The Asians over here feel represented,
the faggots in the back,
they feel represented, like
Everybody who came here
to feel represented, feels represented.
They saw themselves in my jokes.
And now, I only care about you.
But here's my question for you, Ben.
Did you feel alienated by those jokes?
[crowd laughs]
[Ben] Honestly, a lot. Yeah, extremely.
Which joke did you feel
the most alienated by?
[crowd laughs]
[Ben] I mean, it's hard to, like, count,
like, which one.
It's hard to count which ones
because there were so many bits, right?
There were so many bits.
Which one were you able
to relate to the most?
[crowd laughs]
What was that?
Oh, the ugly dick one? Okay.
Um Interesting.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
-[Joel] That's wild.
-[crowd cheers]
But honestly, like,
super brave of you to admit.
Um, yeah.
Okay, but now we're past Act 1, okay?
And we're moving into Act 2.
And Act 2, the jokes here,
I'm really excited for you to hear
because they're really for you, Ben.
Maybe don't count the jokes
like you did in the last one, but, um
But really absorb them, okay?
So here's the thing.
Um, like I said at the top,
I love to travel.
I love to travel to do stand-up.
I'm so lucky I've gotten to see
so many cool places.
Like just recently,
I did a European cruise,
uh, which was amazing.
I know if you know me,
it's always been a dream of mine
to solve a mystery on a boat, uh,
so it was a big opportunity for me.
Unfortunately, it was a gay cruise,
so the only mystery I solved
was who gave me gonorrhea?
And it was Ryan, um, but
[crowd laughs]
You know? Yeah, it was a gay cruise.
It was me and 6,000 other gay men
from all over the world
and 32 very sad women.
-And, um
-[crowd laughs]
It was so inspiring to me,
I have to tell you.
I have never seen so many different men
come from so many different walks of life,
so many different cultures,
so many different perspectives,
and all come together
and rally behind one goal,
which was to smuggle
so many drugs onto this boat.
-[crowd whooping]
It was truly unlike anything
I'd ever seen before.
All my friends were there,
the hallucinogens, amphetamines, opiates.
Everybody came. I did almost get tricked
into doing meth on the very first night.
Yeah, I know.
What an amazing prank. Uh, but
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, it was a simple story.
Basically what happened is this.
I met these two gentlemen
from East London on the first night,
and they were like, "Oh, do--"
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it. Um
I'm sorry. I won't. I refuse.
-[crowd laughs]
These guys were like, "Do you wanna
come to our room and do drugs?"
And I was like,
"Babe, we're at sea. Let's go."
You know? Like
"Maritime law says I must accept."
So I got back to the room, and I was like,
"What's on the menu?"
"What are we doing tonight?"
And they're like, "It's meth."
[crowd laughs]
And I was like, "Oh."
[chuckles, takes deep breath]
"See, I was, um, sort of
saving that one for my forties,
uh, so I'm gonna go,
leave that one for the bucket list."
And they were like, "No, no, no, no, Joel,
it's meth!" And I was like, "I know."
-[crowd laughs]
"I just said no to that."
They were like, "No, meth."
"Again, no." They were like, "Meth."
I was like, "Stop," they were, "Meth."
I was like, "This is the worst reboot
of 'Who's on First' ever."
"I don't understand how
we got stuck in this time loop."
They had to spell it out for me
because of their goofy little accents.
They were like,
"No, Joel, it's M-E-P-H. Meph."
"You don't have this drug in America yet."
And I was like,
-"Okay, hand it over." [laughing] So
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
So I did this mystery drug.
I had the time of my goddamn life.
I danced the night away.
The next morning, we port in Italy.
I get service back on the old phone,
and I was like,
let me Google this meph shit
and figure out
why we don't have it in America
and what I can do to bring it there.
[crowd laughs]
And I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news for you guys.
[crowd laughs]
The good news is
we do have it in America.
[crowd laughs]
The bad news is,
we call it bath salts here.
[crowd laughs, groans]
Yeah, so it was sort of
a lateral move for me,
in terms of the drugs I did
and didn't wanna do on the ship.
But here's the thing about bath salts
that you're not hearing about in the news.
The mainstream media is not covering this.
I loved it. It's
It's so much fun. It is a blast.
Oh my God. Everybody should try it.
In fact, look under your chairs. Uh
It is just a little bit for everybody.
No, I'm just-- You should try it.
It's just, a little bit couldn't kill you.
It has killed. But I just think
that if you open your heart,
a nice life experience
might happen for you.
Now, listen,
I get that not everybody in here
can just casually try bath salts.
I understand that.
There are people with substance issues,
and I honor that journey for you.
But I just feel so lucky
that my parents fucked me up
just enough that I love to do drugs
but loved me just enough
that I'm so responsible when I do them.
You know? I'm
Just I know. I know.
I'm constantly, constantly, constantly
drinking water, setting timers,
making Excel spreadsheets. I
I am a straight-A student
when it comes to drug use alone.
Um, and I've always
I've always been fascinated
by, like, drug culture.
Like, I'm always curious about
where are we getting the drugs?
Like, I get them from Vanessa.
But where does Vanessa get the drugs
that I'm buying from her? Like
When I buy ketamine from Vanessa,
which is a literal horse tranquilizer,
like, how is she
getting a hold of this shit?
Like, what is she doing?
Showing up to the vet like, "Please, sir,
my horses, they're very sick."
"They won't go to bed!"
[crowd laughs]
Secondary question,
why the fuck am I doing
a horse tranquilizer?
Like, who in my community
started that trend?
What gay vet woke up one day and was like,
"You know what? These girls
are having the time of their lives."
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
-"Gotta get in on that."
And then, third and final,
and probably the most important question.
How do they get the horses
to snort the ketamine?
[crowd laughs]
Very curious stuff,
very curious stuff, I gotta tell you.
It is funny, after all those bits,
I have to tell you,
now, I don't drink anymore. I can't do it.
The drink-- Like, the hangovers
are just too intense on my body.
I don't like it. I'm too old for it.
But then I moved to California,
where weed is legal,
and everybody, as soon as I got here,
they were like, "No, Joel. Like,
all you gotta do is smoke some weed."
"Marijuana is the best hangover cure."
And I don't know if you guys
have ever tried this, but I have.
And boy, is it like
putting a hat on a hat.
-It is not a good remedy.
-[crowd laughs]
No, no, no, no, no.
I still had a splitting headache,
and I felt like everyone was mad at me.
[chuckles] So not an experience I would
recommend, I have to tell you, but
Does anybody else in here like to party?
Where are my party heads at?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-Yes. Party, party, party, party, party.
You love You did a little dance.
Um, have you, um
Janine, are we gonna get him?
Um, have you ever done molly?
-[man] I have.
-You have. Okay, officer, we found him.
-[crowd laughs]
Right down here in the front.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I love molly.
Molly is one of my favorite drugs.
Molly, for those of you who don't know,
is just rebranded ecstasy.
And ecstasy does exactly as advertised.
It makes you feel ecstasy.
It makes you feel amazing.
It makes you feel horny. And if you're
a man, it has the fringe benefit
of making it impossible to get hard.
Uh, which is amazing,
'cause now, every time I do molly,
I feel like I'm entering into an agreement
with an ancient sea witch
who's like, "I said I'd make you horny,
but I never said I'd make you hard!"
[crowd laughs]
And now you have to cum
before the sun sets on the music festival,
or you become a sentient weed
in her garden, you know? Like
It's a disaster, a disaster.
-[crowd laughs]
I can feel a lot of you tensing up,
um, the more I talk about drugs,
and so I am gonna get off the topic,
but I gotta tell you,
it's not an easy transition.
Um, it's not. We are gonna transition
into talking about animals now,
and this is the in, okay?
Um, it's this. It's that I do believe
that dogs are coke users,
and cats are weed users.
Um, and bear with me,
'cause have you ever seen
like, an unruly,
untrained dog out in public?
The way their owners speak to that dog
is exactly the way you speak
to your friends who are on too much coke.
"Terrance, get down from there.
Terrance, get down now."
"Terrance, down."
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
He's not normally like this."
"Please don't call the shelter!"
[crowd laughs, applauds, whoops]
Meanwhile, all the cats are at home
playing with laser pointers, you know?
-[crowd laughs]
-Airtight. Airtight analogy.
Where are my dog people at tonight?
-Where are the dog owners?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
We get it. We get it. We get it.
So crass. Um Where are
the cat lovers in the audience?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-[softly] Yes.
Yes. Class acts, every single one of you.
Um, where are my bird people at tonight?
[sparse cheers, applause]
Okay, Janine, get everybody's face
who just "whoo'd."
You're going on a registry, all right?
You fucking freaks.
[crowd laughs]
Outrageous. Now, listen, you guys.
I do think that cats
are the better animal.
I do think cats are superior to dogs.
I can see some of the dog owners
shaking their head.
But there is one reason,
and one reason alone
why cats are better than dogs.
And that's because cats
would never work with the police.
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-Not a single one of them. No, no. Okay?
And it's not because the cats
don't have the skill set, no.
Cats could end the drug trade tomorrow
if they wanted to.
But they said, "Work with the state?
I don't think so. No."
Dog owners are obsessed with their dogs.
Like, "Oh, my dog
follows me everywhere I go."
And it's like, "Sounds like
the NSA, honey." You know?
Like, what are they listening for?
It's like, "My dog waits outside
the bathroom for me to finish."
Your dog thinks you're doing drugs
and wants to send you down the river!
Every dog was born with a wire!
Defund puppies.
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
No, I couldn't even finish it, you guys.
I couldn't even finish saying it.
No, dog owners do get upset with me
when I talk about this on stage.
Though sometimes, like, I-I-I had
a dog owner come up to me
after the show once,
and she was like, "Don't, don't do that."
"Don't project human morality
onto the dogs."
-[crowd laughs]
"The dogs don't understand
what they're doing."
And it's like, actually, I think that dogs
are the best-equipped animal
to understand human morality.
'Cause have you ever seen a dog
that's too ashamed
to shit in front of you?
Like, every time I see that,
I get so fucking pissed.
I'm like, "Oh, so you do understand
what it is to live in a society."
"Sometimes!" You know?
[crowd laughs]
"If you do, then get a job."
And they're like, "Take me
to the police academy." You know?
-[crowd laughs]
-Every single time. It's crazy.
I get it, though.
Shitting in public is very fraught.
Uh, it's a very fraught experience.
I do it frequently, you know?
I'm in airports a lot.
I'm using public restrooms.
I don't know when this happened to us
as a culture, but at a certain point,
people started entering
those public restroom stalls,
getting out their phones,
and doing admin work, okay?
That's it.
And I don't understand. It is awful.
Have you ever had to wait in line
to shit in public? It is agony.
We need to start treating those stalls
like hospitals treat pregnant women.
You're only allowed to go in there
when you're a bit little dilated,
'cause there are people out here in line
who are crowning right now.
And we can't get in there
'cause you're on Instagram.
And I know, 'cause I can see you
'cause the gaps are too wide!
Like, it's insane.
How are we supposedly
the number-one nation,
and yet I can make direct eye contact
with everyone taking a shit at LaGuardia?
You know? It doesn't make any sense.
It just doesn't.
I love cats, though. I do.
I went to
I went to a cat caf
for the first time recently.
-No, um
-[crowd laughs]
I have to disagree. I have to disagree.
It was a very disappointing experience.
I went to the cat caf, was met with
a list of rules outside the door.
"Do not chase after the cats."
"Do not pick up the cats."
"Do not pet the cats
unless the cats want to be pet."
"Do not put the cats in your lap."
I have never felt more like
an entitled straight man at a strip club
than before going to this cat caf.
I was like, "I paid $7 to be in here."
"Now get in my fucking lap!"
[crowd laughs, whoops]
Like, I'm sorry,
you can't pet the cats here?
Like, this is just a dirty caf.
[crowd laughs]
Outrageous. Outrageous stuff.
I love cats. I love my cats especially,
but I I don't know
how I feel about all cat people.
I have to be honest with you.
Now, some of you guys are wild.
Uh, like, have you Have you guys
seen this Netflix documentary,
Don't Fk with Cats?
Yeah, some of you have.
For those who haven't seen it,
Don't Fk with Cats
is a true-crime doc on Netflix,
and it's about this guy
who murders a bunch of cats
and posts the videos online.
And then this community of cat lovers
band together, and they track him down.
While they're tracking him down for that,
they realize he's also killed a guy.
-They're like, "That's weird." Um
-[crowd laughs]
And every time I talk to a cat person
about this this documentary,
they're always like,
"Oh my God, Joel, I can't."
"I can't watch that documentary.
What he does to the cats in that video
is too intense. It's too awful."
And I'm always like, "Yeah,
but didn't he also kill a human man?"
And they're like, "Yeah, I know,
but I liked that part. I liked that part."
"That's what brought me to it.
I love true crime."
"I really love true crime." It is True
I'm fucking over true crime,
you guys. I really am.
I'm done. I'm done.
It's rotting our brains.
Like, I was talking
to a friend of mine recently
about a girl who went missing
my senior year of high school.
And he was like,
"Oh my God, did they find her?"
And I was like, "Yeah, they did,"
and he was like, "Oh."
-[crowd laughs]
I was like, "Sorry they didn't make
a podcast about it, brah."
It's truly insane.
Like, I don't like how we're giving
all the serial killers nicknames now.
Like, I'm sorry, the Craigslist Killer?
First of all,
the Craigslist Killer?
[crowd laughing]
There are a lot of other killers
using that service as well, okay?
And it's really unfair that we gave him
the Craigslist Killer because
the Facebook Marketplace Killer
doesn't have the same ring. It doesn't.
Why would you ever? Why would you ever?
It is so frustrating.
Now, I will say, um,
I do think that I will be murdered.
Um, I think that is what
How I'm destined to go out, I do.
Like, you know, I'm on the road so much,
and constantly when I'm in new cities,
I'm on the apps,
meeting with strange men for sex.
And whenever I talk to
my friends about this,
they're like, "Joel, you can't
do that anymore. You have to stop."
"These guys are strangers.
One of them could kill you."
And it's like, "Yeah, I know,
but, you know, if I've been murdered,
I've still been picked."
-You know? [laughs]
-[crowd laughs]
It honestly scratches the same itch.
Either way, I get to
stop dating, you know?
-[crowd laughs]
Didn't get married,
but I am someone's human wig stand.
-[crowd laughs]
Pick and choose. Pick and choose.
Hi, you guys. Are you guys here together?
-[man] Yeah.
-[Joel] That's sweet. Are you in love?
-[man] Yeah.
-She hasn't said anything yet.
-[crowd laughs]
[Joel] Are you in love with this man?
Blink twice if you need help.
That's wonderful.
How long have you been together?
Seven years? That's amazing.
And are you guys open or monogamous?
-Monogamous or open?
-[woman] Monogamous.
Monogamous, really?
[crowd laughs]
That's incredible. I'm sorry,
you didn't look like Christians to me. Um
But, you know, they're hiding
in plain sight these days.
Uh, no, I don't really care.
I don't give a shit at all, actually.
I I don't know how
I feel about monogamy, personally.
Like, right now, I'm just sort of
addicted to threesomes.
I love to alienate
one other person during sex.
You know? Like that's really great.
I love to play a psychosexual game
with a gay couple on the brink.
Just sort of boxing out
the weaker husband the whole time.
Like, "Oh, thanks, Brian. We got it
covered in here, babe." [chuckles]
"Why don't you get us some water? Great."
[crowd laughs]
It is tough for a lot of gay couples.
They don't have a lot of options.
It's either open up your relationship
or adopt an Asian baby,
and either way, there I am.
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
There's a Korean
shitting somewhere in your house.
[crowd whooping, applauding]
But I do wanna talk to you guys
really quickly because this is a thing.
The way we talk about
open relationships, it's like, it's like,
"Oh, my God. It's the Wild Wild West."
"Every relationship,
a different set of rules."
"How do they do it?"
But the thing is,
not every monogamous relationship
is identical either.
Every monogamous relationship
has its own little deviations.
Like, we know that
the number-one rule for you guys
is you can't fuck other people.
And I love that for you. Congratulations.
Take me to church, you know? Um, amazing.
But what about the other stuff?
Like, can you, um
Can you kiss other people?
-You haven't answered yet. Okay, uh
-[crowd laughs]
Seven years in and he's a little unsure.
Uh, that's worrisome. Okay.
Can you hold hands with others?
-No? You're saying no. Okay.
-[woman] No, I
[crowd laughs]
Let's, let's, let's,
let's add some context.
Um, what's your name?
[man] I'm Carl.
-Carl? Okay.
[crowd laughs]
Carl's last ex-girlfriend,
she's in the hospital.
[crowd laughs]
She's not doing well.
Not doing well at all, okay?
And in a sort of Make-A-Wish situation
[crowd laughs]
she says, "I need to see Carl."
"I need to see him. Where is Carl?"
Carl rushes to the hospital,
bursts through the doors,
[mimicking EKG] Beep. Beep.
[crowd laughs]
Beep. That's a terrible heartbeat
I just did, okay? Um
She lifts up her hand
[crowd laughs]
and she says, "Please, Carl
-[crowd laughs]
hold my hand."
And he does. Are you pissed?
No, because she's about to die!
[crowd laughs, applauds]
That was a flawed premise.
Um, that was that was on me.
That was on me.
Um [makes popping sound] What about hugs?
-Can you hug other people?
-[woman] Yeah.
You can. Okay, so we have
an opening, people.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Find them at the after-party,
and give 'em a lingering hug.
See where it goes, you know?
It's a slippery slope. Um
What about, like, secrets?
Secrets is the big one for me.
I don't give a shit about anal,
but don't keep a secret from me.
Would you care if she had a secret
with a girlfriend
and didn't tell you about it?
-[Carl] Depends on the secret.
-Depends on the secret? Okay.
[crowd laughs]
[Joel] Let's test that.
So, what's gonna happen now
What's your name, ma'am?
Ali, you're just gonna step up
to the edge of the stage here.
Don't worry, I'm triple,
triple-vaxxed, and I've got it.
So, you know, I'm invincible.
Um, okay. And what's gonna happen now
And, Carl, I need you to stay seated
no matter what happens next, okay?
No matter how angry you get with me, okay?
You need to stay seated.
You're about to be cuckolded.
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
Ali, what's gonna happen now
is I'm gonna lean forward,
and you're gonna whisper something
in my ear that you've never told him.
Okay? Um, just think
about it really quick.
And the rest of the audience, I need you
to make a lot of noise. Just murmur.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[Ali and Joel conversing indistinctly]
[Joel giggling]
[crowd laughing]
Well, I never said
I wouldn't tell, you know?
Oh, and oh my God. I just Oh.
I like you guys a lot.
I think you're a cute couple.
I don't wanna do this.
-[crowd laughs]
Oh! Okay, um
But the thing is, is in seven years,
she's never come, you know?
And that is really hard.
That is really tough to learn
at a Netflix special, uh, taping.
Really, really hard. I'm kidding.
Look at this guy's face.
Janine, get his face.
She's coming all the time, okay?
Like, she's She's sitting
on that face every single night.
She's got a punch card, all right?
She's very, very satisfied.
Do you wanna have kids someday?
You do? Oh, interesting.
So you don't believe in
climate change. Wild.
-Um, wow.
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
[Joel] Um, what an interesting way
to learn that.
Um [giggling]
I'm just kidding. I'm I'm kidding.
Good luck to your kids.
-[crowd laughs]
-[Joel] No, listen, for real,
I don't believe that overpopulation
is the major issue at play here.
I do think that if you wanna have kids,
you should have kids.
Um, but I do think that [laughs]
if you are having kids,
knowing everything we know
about the way the world is going,
it is sort of like when you're at a party
that you know is dying down.
You know? And then you get a text
from a friend, and they're like,
"Hey, should I still come to the party?"
-[crowd laughs]
You're like, "Yeah!"
"Yeah, jump in that Uber, girl!"
[crowd laughs]
"I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm sure there'll be ice still
by the time you get here."
Um, when what you should be doing is
calling them immediately, and being like,
"Don't come here.
Somebody has put on a podcast."
[crowd laughs]
"Party is over!"
Now, are there any
gay dads in the audience?
-Thank God, 'cause it's a sin. Uh, it is.
-[crowd laughs]
It is a sin. It's not right.
Um, I do believe that God above has put
gay men here as population control.
You know? And every time God above
sees two gorgeous men raising a child,
he's like, "Oh no, no, no, no, no.
You have misunderstood the assignment."
No. And he must be so mad at us
because we are so much better at it,
[laughs] you know? Like
Imagine if you will It's like this.
Imagine you have this national park
that is overrun with deer.
So you release some wolves into the park
to cull out some deer.
You go away,
you come back a couple years later,
and you realize the wolves have started
raising high-functioning deer!
"What the fuck?
They named that deer Atticus,
and they've opened up
a Montessori school?"
-Like what?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
Where did the wolves
get all the disposable income,
and why are they all so jacked?
-[crowd laughs]
What a mystery. What a mystery.
Hi, Ben.
[crowd laughs]
[Joel] So that was Act 2, Ben, okay?
That is where I put all of the jokes,
about 98% of the jokes in Act 2,
on paper, are all jokes that could have
been told by anybody, you know?
They weren't connected to my identity.
It could have been told by a white man,
a black woman, an Indigenous they.
Anybody could have told those jokes.
Would you agree that literally
anybody could have told those jokes,
and they would have been funny?
-[Ben, hesitantly] Yes.
Interesting. So I add nothing to the set.
-[crowd laughs]
He thinks that I don't add
any special flare to the set.
Um, I'm hoping you're sensing
that you cannot win here, Ben.
[crowd laughs]
Now here's I guess the thing is,
this was sort of like the straight jokes.
You know, like any straight guy--
I talked about drugs.
I talked about cats and dogs.
I talked about relationships, you know.
All very straight things.
Um So would you say that you liked
Act 1 or Act 2, Ben?
[crowd laughs]
Okay? They're both hanging off a ledge.
You can only save one.
Which one did you prefer
at the end of the day?
-[Ben] One.
So he wants to keep me
in my gay Asian box.
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
[Joel] Yeah. Oh, for Ben
Oh, Ben will only ever see me
as a gay Asian comic.
Won't let me out of the box.
Interesting. Interesting. Real nice, Ben.
Jesus. I invite you into my home.
-[crowd laughs]
But don't worry,
your pain is almost at an end.
We are entering the third act,
and I think you're gonna hate this.
-[crowd laughs]
So here's the thing, you guys.
I don't think I want kids of my own.
Um, and you've known me
for about 45 minutes now,
and you're like,
"We're comfortable with that decision."
"Uh, we don't think
you should be raising any humans."
But the thing is,
is, like, I don't want kids of my own,
but I am such a big fan
of how they get here, you know?
I-I live to cum, I do. I live to cum.
It's one of my favorite things.
Um, but I will say,
I do prefer the verb to the noun,
if you catch my drift, you know?
Like, I don't like a mess.
-[crowd laughs]
Like, I was really pissed off
when I found out at 13
that a vasectomy
didn't clear out the whole thing.
Like, I thought it was gonna be snip, snip
and a dry cough, just [coughs] at the end.
I thought that
would have been so convenient.
But no. No, no, no, no, no, not for me.
Um, I've been masturbating
for a while now.
Um, I was a prodigy.
I started at eight years old.
Can anybody beat that?
Price is Right rules.
Nobody going over? No? Okay.
Oh, wow, another pervert, great.
-[crowd laughs]
Amazing. Amazing to learn that way.
But no, it was a fraught thing to do,
though, in my house growing up,
because I was raised Southern Baptist,
um, and so we did learn
that it was a sin, you know?
Um, it was We called it the sin of Onan.
Um, Onan was a guy in the Old Testament,
and the verse goes like,
"Onan spilled his seed upon the ground,
and God saw that and was pissed."
-[crowd laughs]
And we took from that verse
that masturbation is wrong.
But I actually think we took
the wrong lesson away from that verse.
Because I don't think God gives a shit
whether or not we masturbate.
I actually think he just doesn't want us
to do it on the ground, Onan?
"In front Like, this is a slip hazard!
People are walking!"
[crowd laughs]
Now you've ruined it for the rest of us.
But, yeah, we learned that it was a sin.
We learned every sperm could be a son.
That was on our family-reunion T-shirts.
-[crowd laughs]
Every sperm could be a son.
It was very important to us.
Um, and now, are you a single person?
You are. And how often
are you masturbating these days?
Weekly average. Weekly average.
-[man] It's up there.
-It's up there, he says.
Very healthy boy.
What's Give me a ballpark.
-[man] Four.
-[Joel] Four?
-[man] Five.
-Four, five? You're taking weekends off?
Jesus, that's not a lot, like
[crowd laughs]
That's nothing. That's nothing.
But um, I guess Like, how do you
How do you clean How do you
bury your sons after you're done?
Like, what do you do?
Like, what is What are you using to wipe?
[man] Hand towel.
-Hand towel.
-[crowd laughs]
Just a little tiny, teeny-tiny hand towel
for all that jizz.
No, that's not a bad idea.
I think I can slightly beat that, though.
I have a better system, personally.
Um, what I do,
and anybody in here can use this,
is, um, I take a beach towel, okay?
And I set it next to the bed.
Every night, I use the beach towel,
wipe down, okay?
Set it next to the bed again.
May rolls around. I get a phone call.
"We're going to the beach." "Fuck!"
-[crowd laughs]
And then I take the beach towel.
I rush it to the sink.
It's hard as a rock now.
-[crowd laughs]
And I rinse it out very quickly,
bring a damp towel to the beach.
-[crowd laughs]
And that is my system. Anybody can use it.
[crowd laughs]
Siri, they hated it.
-[crowd laughs]
But that's okay, 'cause you know what?
Janine, we're leaving it in.
Because this is my Netflix special,
and some of the jokes are just for me.
-[satisfied sigh]
-[crowd cheering, applauding]
How about that? How about that?
No, I love to masturbate. I do.
Um, it was actually sort of like
the biggest problem during lockdown for me
was all of the afternoons
I spent alone in my room, like,
"Don't masturbate again.
Don't masturbate again!"
"Stop masturbating!" You know?
But then a conflicting voice
would creep in and be like,
"Yeah, but who are you saving
all these loads for, Joel?"
You know? "Like,
who's waiting for these loads?"
Like, "Why are you hoarding
all these loads like the dragon Smaug?"
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]
"Doesn't make any sense.
Set your loads free."
And so I did.
And so I masturbated a ton over lockdown.
And the thing is, is that I did it so much
that it started to get a little stale.
So what I needed to do,
and what I ended up doing,
was I added
a little machinery into the mix.
I saw, one night
while I was scrolling through Instagram,
a targeted ad for a Fleshlight, okay?
Thank you, Zuckerberg.
-[crowd whoops, laughs]
I was a little fucked up, but I was like,
"Oh my God, I
I'm gonna order one of these things."
And for those of you who don't know,
a Fleshlight is a cylindrical tube with
a silicon attachment at the end shaped in
either a vagina, a butt, or a mouth.
And you fuck it. It's, um
It's prison technology, is what it is.
It was created for prisoners by prisoners,
and we've stolen it from them.
We've appropriated it.
-[crowd laughs]
But I was really excited.
I ordered one offline.
It arrived, and I realized I was a little
too fucked up when I ordered it
because I opened up the box
and, ya guessed it,
I accidentally ordered
a girl's butt.
-Um, and it was a disaster.
-[crowd laughs]
It was I don't know the first thing about
a girl's butt, you know, so I was furious.
I tried to return it.
Apparently, they don't want them back.
So I was stuck with this girl's butt.
And this girl's butt was very expensive.
So I was like,
"I'm not gonna waste this girl's butt."
So I started to fuck the girl's butt.
And I've been fucking
the girl's butt for a while.
This is what I learned about girls' butts
from fucking this girl's butt.
[crowd laughing]
Are you ready for this?
They're exactly the same.
Okay? Exactly I thought there'd
be a different pathway,
or feel like, I don't know,
like a cat's tongue in there or something.
But no, no, no, exactly the same.
And so I've been fucking
this girl's butt for a while now,
and I guess the thing that I've learned is
-I'm bi. [giggles]
-[crowd laughs, cheers, applauds]
Yeah, I am.
Just a little bit, you know?
Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
I am not bisexual.
-I am bipolar, though. Um
-[crowd laughs, whoops]
Yes, thank you. Oh, wow.
I can't tell if you're screaming for me
or with me, but um
Yeah, it is sort of unfortunate
that the bisexuals got to
the "bi" moniker before we were able to.
But you know, famously,
sometimes it's hard for us to get
out of bed, so races aren't our thing.
But ultimately, I do think that
the bipolars got it better
because at least
we have a pill we can take
to make us less annoying at parties, so
[scattered laughs, applause]
-[crowd laughs]
So rude! I love bisexuals.
Um, I celebrate them, and I fear them, so
We might not keep that in. You know? Um
But no, I'm really
I'm really fascinated by human sexuality.
I always have been. Like, I always
I love learning new things.
Like, I found out recently
that, uh, women,
some of you can have
multiple orgasms, which is why--
Oh, one of them's having one right now.
-Uh, incredible.
-[crowd laughs]
And I guess, like,
my question for you, though,
is, like, at which orgasm
do you know you're supposed to be
ashamed of the thing you just did?
That is 'Cause, like, shame
is such an important mechanism
of the male orgasm, you know?
Like, if we didn't have post-nut clarity,
world would be in chaos constantly, okay?
Because I have done Like, I have done
unthinkable things to have sex.
I've stepped foot
on a Greyhound bus just to get laid, okay?
That's psychotic behavior.
[crowd laughs]
And yet, here we are, you know?
It is unfortunate because cumming
is our favorite thing to do
that is immediately ruined
as soon as we've done it, you know?
Like "Out with the cum and all my love."
"Get out of my house.
I don't want to see you anymore."
-You know? Um
-[crowd laughs]
And when you're in a man-man relationship,
that can become a real race, you know?
And nobody
wants to come in second in that race.
Because if you come in second,
the help will not be there
to get you across the finish line, okay?
It's just, like,
a half-assed fingering at best.
And I get it, I do. I understand it
because, like, we've all
We all know how races work, you know?
Like, you cross the finish line,
and you're like, "Oh, thank God."
"I did it.
Can I go home, take a shower now?"
"Oh. Oh no, I gotta wait
for Brian now too."
-"Oh, cool, cool, cool."
-[crowd laughs]
"Brian did coke, so it'll take him
five hours to finish the race?"
-[crowd laughs, cheers]
"Oh, what a lovely update."
And it is really unfortunate,
because like sometimes, like,
when I cum, and there's
still more sex to be had,
it's as though I'm seeing sex
for the very first time,
and I'm like, "Oh my God,
they were right. This is a sin."
-You know, like
-[crowd laughs]
[feigns scream]
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
Like, I went on a really great date
with a guy recently.
Sidebar about this guy.
He was born in London
but was raised in Florida.
And isn't that the saddest story
you've ever heard? [laughs]
-[crowd laughs]
-Oh my God.
It's like a modern-day "For sale:
baby shoes, never worn." You know?
Just like a full story in one sentence.
You could've had everything.
You could've had
the best accent imaginable.
Instead, you have every strain of HPV?
-[crowd laughs]
Tragic. But he was a nice guy.
He took me home.
And what a gentleman, he let me cum first,
which, what a mistake for him,
because now, at this point,
like, everything that he could have said
that would've been hot and romantic
was very gross to me.
Like, one point near the end, he was like,
"Where do you want it?"
And I was like,
"I don't know. Over there?"
-[crowd laughs]
"Not here. Could you do it directly
in the beach towel, please?"
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
Save us all a step, you know?
Orgasms are wild, though.
Like, the differences
between the male orgasm
and the female orgasm, insane.
Like, the male orgasm, as we all know,
it's very straightforward.
It's just like Mario Kart.
You just go around the track enough times,
and you've won, you know?
Whereas the female orgasm,
from what I'm told,
it's like entering a maze,
and there's a sphinx at the entrance,
and he's like, "I only tell the truth,
and my brother only tells lies."
And you sort of have to solve that riddle,
get to the middle of the maze,
defeat the Minotaur,
and then maybe you'll find the G-spot.
You don't know!
The way we talk about
the G-spot in this culture,
it's as if it moves about the body,
every night, a different location
like the Room of Fucking Requirement.
It is absolutely nuts.
Like, I just I just don't think
it could be that difficult.
Like, you only ever hear
it's hard to make a woman come
in heterosexual relationships.
You never hear that from queer women,
and I wonder what the missing piece
of the equation is, you know? Like
Like, honestly
[crowd applauds, whoops]
No, stop.
[crowd laughs]
I will not let this descend into clapter.
[crowd laughs]
You either laugh and clap, or none, okay?
[crowd laughs]
I don't think it could be that difficult
to make a woman come.
Like, honestly, I think I could do it.
-[crowd laughs]
I do. Put me in coach, you know?
Like, I just I think I could do it.
Like, I haven't spent time down there,
but I love a puzzle, [chuckles] so
I feel like I would approach it
like any escape room.
Ht all the corners, and get out of there.
-You know? [chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]
With that in mind, ma'am,
if you could come up here.
-[crowd laughs]
If I could get my beach towel
flown in, please. That would be great.
I'm just kidding. But what if I wasn't?
[laughs] You know?
What if you were watching
this Netflix special,
and you were like,
"Oh my God, a gay Asian man
just got a woman off live on stage."
Like, who said theater was dead?
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Not me. No, no, no. No, sir. No, sir.
Here's the thing about talking about sex
so openly in front of you, guys.
I have to say it is a little fraught
for me as a gay man
because, you know,
I have a lot of of straight male friends.
Very bravely,
I have a lot of straight male friends.
And whenever I talk about
my sex life on stage,
I come off, and they're always
Never fails.
Like, one of them is just like,
"Oh, Joel, you're so lucky."
"You know? Gay guys,
you're just fucking all the time."
"Just nonstop fucking."
"If I were gay, I'd be having
so much more sex than I'm having now."
It's like, no you wouldn't,
'cause you'd still look like that.
-You know? Like, that's not
-[crowd laughs]
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What do you think
coming out of the closet is?
You walk through the Narnia closet,
and the Earth shifts on its axis,
and we can't see you anymore?
It's much harder on our side of the fence.
Like, you do not want
this at all. It is tough.
But, Ben
-[crowd laughs]
my newest straight male friend,
that was the grossest section
of all three, I think we can both agree.
[sparse laughter]
But did it make you uncomfortable
hearing about gay sex?
Gay cumming?
[sparse laughter]
-[Ben] I live in WeHo, so
-You live in WeHo!
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
-[mike hits floor]
[crowd whoops]
So you've
You've been You've basically had gay sex.
-[crowd laughs]
You've basically seen it.
You've seen it all.
That's interesting.
But I guess, like
Okay, so you've seen now,
like, a big portion of the set.
You've heard a lot about my life
and how I live it.
And I guess my question
for you, Ben, is, um
[sparse laughter]
Do you think I'm a good role model?
[crowd laughs]
Do you think I'm a good role model
for people in the communities I represent?
Like young Asian
gay boys?
-[Ben] As far as I can tell, yeah.
[crowd laughs]
What about me makes me a good role model?
[Ben] You dress well.
-I dress well.
-[crowd laughs]
[crowd applauding, whooping]
This bitch really does live in WeHo.
-Okay? Like
-[crowd laughs]
Amazing. Amazing, Ben.
I gotta tell you. There are lots of people
who don't think I'm a good role model,
especially a lot of Asian people,
and a lot of gay people
do not think I'm representing
the community very well at all.
In fact, I did a show in Phoenix recently,
and a gay guy DM'd me after the show,
and he was like,
"You are everything that's wrong
with the gay community."
"You make all gay guys
seem like drug-addicted sex idiots."
And I was like, "You're welcome?"
-[crowd laughs]
He was like,
"Gay guys like you are the reason
my parents don't talk to me anymore."
-[crowd groans]
-I know.
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
That's, like, so heavy."
"But also, um you are the only gay person
your parents know,
so maybe take a bit
more responsibility for that."
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]
"I'm sorry. Like, I bet if they met me,
they'd be jazzed."
"Oh my God, we didn't know
they could be cool too!"
Like, "Oh God, we thought they all just
lived in our basement and mooched."
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]
But it is really fraught. For instance,
Ben, like, I have to ask you.
You know, you've spent the evening
representing all straight white men,
that community.
Has it been frustrating for you?
-[Ben] A little bit.
-A little bit.
Interesting. You've had to
do it for one night.
I've had to do it for 11 years. You know?
Um, it's true. It's true.
And this is the thing.
Like, I so appreciate everyone
who came to the show tonight
and wanted to feel represented
and does feel represented by me.
Sees themself reflected in my experience.
That is so awesome.
But it's also
not what I came up here to do.
That is not my primary purpose
as a stand-up comedian.
I mostly just wanted to come up here
and be stupid and make people laugh.
And that, all that stuff,
is a byproduct, okay?
And so with all that in mind,
I'm gonna end my set now with a joke
that straight people, gay people,
and Asian people
have all asked me to stop telling
at one point or another, okay?
-[crowd laughs, applauds, whoops]
And it goes something like this.
So, here's the thing.
I don't think that gay men,
we have more sex than straight men.
Um, I think we have more interesting sex
than straight people, certainly.
Like, personally, I've had sex
in a Target. I've had sex in an IKEA.
I love to shop.
I'm a stereotype. What can I say?
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, whoops]
But my favorite place
to hook up in public, it's very vintage.
It's old-school. I love to hook up
in the steam room at my gym.
Um, it's great,
'cause it's very dark and moist,
and gay men, we're like mold,
we thrive in those environments.
[crowd laughs]
It's either in the steam room
or behind the fridge.
That's where we're fucking these days.
Um, and so recently,
I was hooking up with these two guys
in the steam room at my gym.
We were having an amazing time,
and then in walks a group of straight men.
So we scattered like roaches
because that is
the social contract that we sign.
And the straight guys, they sat down
and started talking about chicken
and broccoli, or whatever you talk about.
[crowd laughs]
And there was a lull
in their conversation at one point,
and the guy who had sort of
initiated the threesome at the start,
he was sort of the captain of the hookup,
he looked over at those men,
and he said something truly wild.
He looked over at them and was like,
"You guys horny?"
-[crowd laughs]
They could not believe their ears.
They started shaking and convulsing.
It was like they were
on Pirates of the Caribbean,
and one of the animatronics
looked at them in the eyes, you know?
They could not believe
what they were hearing.
And finally one of them managed
to sputter out, "No, no, no." No. No. No.
"I'm not horny."
"None of us are horny."
And you know that's like
[tearful voice] We were
already humiliated.
[crowd laughing]
And then,
this man,
he stood up,
and he looked at them in the eyes
and said something
that I'll never forget.
I'm sorry. Um
He said,
"Then you gotta go."
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
And they did!
That's the crazy thing,
is they got up without another word,
and they left that steam room.
And as I finished that man off,
I was like, "You, sir,
you are a good role model."
Thank you so much. That's what I look at.
LA, thank you so much!
Oh my God, you've been fantastic!
[crowd cheers, applauds]
[atmospheric house music playing]
[music continues]