Joe's Apartment (1996) Movie Script
City by the mighty dirty river
City by the greasy rolling sea
I crawl so small
And it stands so tall
And it all belongs
To me
Welcome to Joe's apartment
It's our apartment, too
We've been around
for a hundred million years
And we'll be here long after you
Let's go to our place
It's a great big space
It's where I wanna be
Where friends all meet
And life is sweet
'Cause everything's for free
It's the joint, it's a gas
It's a big fat boot in the ass
Let's toast! Raise your glass
Here's to Joe! A man with class
So! Hello from Joe's apartment
You're gonna love the view
It's a nest that beats the rest
We're so glad that you're our guest
Come on in, we're all undressed
Joe's apartment, we welcome you!
Nice singing!
The movie's starting.
Dear Mom,
I made it to New York safe and sound.
Hands up, pinhead!
Dear Mom, I made it to New York.
Hands up, pinhead!
Dear Mom--
Hands up, pinhead!
Please send money.
Don 't worry, Mom, I'll pay you back soon.
I'm bound to get a job.
I'm a college graduate.
But first things first.
I got to get an apartment.
I hope I can get one really cheap.
$1,500 a month?
There's a hole in the ceiling.
It's a private atrium.
$1,100 a month for 300 square feet.
That's a sweet deal.
No vacancy.
$1,500 a month.
Nothing for that price range.
Try Nebraska.
Oh, my God, mister. Are you all right?
Two days, seven hours,
twenty-three minutes and four seconds.
That's how long I've been lying here.
Are you okay?
Of course not. I'm an artist.
I wanted to express how cold,
how pitiless this city really is.
Nobody touched you for two days?
Spitting doesn't count.
You must be from out of town.
Yeah.
Iowa.
-What's your name?
-Joe.
Walter. Walter Shit.
Walter Shit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Looking for a place?
Something for $100 a month.
Hey, junior here thinks he's going to find
his own rent-controlled apartment!
Rent-controlled apartment?
Yeah.
A place where the rent's been frozen
since the 1950s.
Those places are hard to find
because no one ever leaves them.
Not unless the landlord gives them
a little help.
I love the real estate business.
They're tougher than they look.
See? There's really no way
to get a rent-controlled apartment.
No way at all?
I mean, only if
it's your mom's apartment...
and she croaks.
How you doing, Mrs. Grotowski?
Oh, my God!
Joe, Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have
any family.
You pose as her son, take her apartment.
What?
I couldn't!
Oh, my God!
Joe!
It's your mother!
And she's dead!
Thank you.
My first place!
Quiet!
Got to hide! Got to hide!
-Never seen him around before.
-Where's the old lady?
-Luggage! I don't like it!
-Stay undercover.
Right, another stupid human.
-Shut up!
-Can it, both of you.
Oh, no!
Yummy, yummy!
Damn. Ralph's out there. Poor sucker.
This is the greasiest,
ugliest bug I've ever seen in my life.
-Look at that.
-Our kind of guy.
He likes good living. That's for sure.
-He's not so bad.
-He's got potential.
Did you hear that? "Greasy."
Nice compliment.
I thought you was smushed for sure.
Who's out there?
Schlomo and Pauli, who else?
-Schlomo, I quit drinking.
-Me, too, Pauli.
Ever since I joined this health club.
It's a great lap pool.
Diver down.
We're gonna get drunk.
Hold on. He's having a taste
of Old Hound Dog instead.
I'll drink to that.
I can't tell you how happy I am
to be finally out on my own, Mom.
No, no thanks, Mom.
I can find a job by myself.
Look how easy I got a place.
Yes, Mom.
No, Mom. Right, Mom. Good, Mom.
Isn't his mom supposed to be dead?
Landlord!
I hope everything's going fine
up in heaven, Mom.
Pray to you later. Amen!
Joe, who are you talking to?
Who the hell are you?
Joe Grotowski.
Joe F. Grotowski.
Vladimir Bianco.
My cousin, Jesus.
Vlad and Jesus Bianco?
You are related?
Speaking of relations,
I knew your old lady...
and she never talked you up! Not once!
-I've been away at college.
-ls that so?
Well, $50 rent, college boy.
-Cash!
-Now!
Sorry about your moms, man.
But maybe you won't be missing her long.
Amen.
Dear Mom, thanks for another loan.
I haven 't found a job yet...
but I'm on the lookout for something good.
Thank you for calling 91 1.
Your call is important to us.
Please stay on the line.
Your local police precinct
will be with you shortly.
Central Complaint Department,
please hold.
I don't know. Please hold.
I can't help you. Please hold.
Like, who cares, man? Please hold.
Alligators in the subway.
Interesting, ma'am. Please hold.
No, sir. Don't try to saw it off yourself.
Please hold.
-Central Complaint Department.
-I'm calling from 324 1/2 East 8th Street.
No water, no heat, no power.
Roof leaking, drug dealing.
People falling out of windows?
Congratulations, sir.
This is the worst call I've had all day!
Really?
Coffee break!
Please hold.
Hello?
Lily, what's up?
Oh, Blank. Hey.
This garden of yours
is really coming along.
-Quite a change from the old air shaft.
-Oh, yeah.
It's such a relief after all those calls.
It ain't bad now.
Wait till there's a riot or a fire!
Serious O.T.
I wish we could do something
other than put people on hold.
What are you doing
in this dead-end city department anyway?
Child, go work for your dad.
The man's a U.S. senator.
Wear a nice dress, sit next to his podium.
You could get into politics, easy.
-Mr. Bianco.
-Check it out.
Please, Senator, just call me Alberto.
Have you brought me good news, Alberto?
My second to the last tenant
has just taken flight, Senator.
We two saw her off personally.
Wonderful. She'll love the condo
you bought her.
Nothing is too good for my tenants.
And how about your last tenant?
We made his final arrangements.
And soon the building will be yours.
The U.S. government will have
acquired the last property we need...
for the brand new...
Manhattan...
maximum security...
federal penitentiary.
The biggest prison in the world.
Whatever happened
to the Lower East Side?
How did it decay so badly...
that the only thing
that'll sprout in its soil...
is a jail?
We can't take all the credit for that.
But we're glad we could help.
Oh, look at those kids.
They could get hurt,
playing in this empty lot.
I used to get plenty of cuts
and scratches...
but that's all there is around here.
Hi, guys.
What are you making?
A crack house.
Oh, my God.
This is awful.
This should be a public garden,
with safe places for kids to play...
with flowers and trees.
Lily, this ain't no cute little
building atrium.
This is the nastiest neighborhood
in New York City.
Come on, girl.
-Conference.
-What's up, Ralph?
This new guy, Joe. He don't wash,
clean, vacuum. He don't give a crap.
He's the dirtiest slob on the planet.
I think I'm in love.
-Me, too, Ralph.
-I vote we keep him.
We got to break him in, that's all.
Oh, my gosh!
Looks like the landlord
wants to change Joe's lease.
They aren't doing no paint job.
Let's not kid ourselves.
If Joe gets greased, we're next.
I won't stand for it!
Let's teach them toe-heads some respect!
Roaches to the rescue!
I love the smell of this old couch.
-Double time! Double time!
-Hang on!
Hurry! These goons will bust Joe's skull!
He knows it, too.
-Feel him shaking?
-Spring is in the air.
-Stay cool, Joe.
-Take it easy, Joe.
Don't worry, Joe. We got your back.
Who....
Where is he?
-Troops! Antennas up!
-Sir, yes, sir!
Bombs away!
Give me a kiss, asshole.
God, they talk?
That's right!
I'm about to kick your ass, too!
Disgusting little....
Your mama's cooking sucks!
I wouldn't even touch it.
I think he got me! He got me!
I'm heading up to that big Dumpster
in the sky.
You missed!
Over here, fruitcake.
Let's go!
It's a roach clip. Get it?
Now you're in trouble!
Ought to stomp your freaking head!
Slip on something more comfortable.
Hiya, Hansel and Gretel,
lay off our buddy Joe.
-Okay. Just let us go, please!
-Are you listening?
Because if you ain't, you'll get a roach
in every meal you'll ever have...
for the rest of your freaking life!
-You got that?
-Yeah!
We know where you live!
We live where you live.
-What a fall!
-Leaving so soon?
-The party's just started!
-See you.
Hate to be you!
-A spare!
-You was robbed!
You was great, Ralphie.
What a couple of pansies.
Joe, are you all right?
Get back!
-Joe.
-Buddy!
-That ain't no way to treat your friends.
-My friends?
Sure! We like the way you run things here,
so we wanted to keep you around.
You can talk.
Talk? We can sing!
Garbage
Garbage
Garbage
Sorry.
The garbage in the moonlight
Gives off a lovely smell
Sipping sewage with my baby
In our little roach motel
Please, don 't tell
On an ocean trip on a garbage ship
With a cockroach I adore
We 'll take a taste of the medical waste
That washes up on shore
Oh, sweetheart, say you love me
And crawl underneath my rug
You're one in a thousand billion, baby
Oh, won 't you be my bug?
Oh, won 't you be my bug?
Please, be my bug
God, what a nightmare.
I'm up. I'm up already.
-What's that?
-I'm trying to get some shuteye here.
Morning. My name's Ralph Roach.
This is my associate, Rodney Roach.
What's happening, Joe?
Another hot and muggy, Joe?
-What are you doing on my breakfast?
-Little nosh, that's all.
-How's it hanging today?
-Word up.
How do you like the Knicks?
How many of you are there?
This apartment? Not a lot.
About 20,000, 30,000, 40,000.
Mostly family, you know.
-And you can talk?
-Sure.
We just don't talk much.
Not to people, anyhow.
No point. People smush first,
and ask questions later.
But not you, brother. You're different.
Oh, yeah?
Joe, Joe!
Let's be friends.
We just saved your life, remember?
Besides, Joe...
if those two friends of yours come back,
we might come in useful.
So, how about
a live-and-let-live philosophy here?
"Slobs of a feather swarm together."
-Makes sense to me.
-That's fair.
-What's yours is ours.
-Stereo rights?
Just warn us before you flush.
I got to get out of here.
-Where are you going?
-None of your business.
-Mind if we hang out with you?
-Yes!
-Come on!
-Don't be that way, Joey!
Can't we? Please?
-You won't even notice us.
-We'll be good.
What's up his butt?
We ought to keep an eye on him,
in case he needs our help.
-Right as usual, Ralph.
-Excellent idea, Ralph.
Ritardo's!
Come on in. The cheese is fine.
You're fired!
Here are your enlargements, sir.
You're fired!
You're fired!
-You're fired!
-You're fired!
Poor Joe. Having trouble keeping a job.
We're doing our best to help.
Guess we got to keep on trying.
-Love this guy! Breakfast?
-Don't mind if I do.
-Don't panic or nothing.
-What do you mean?
Well, it appears to me...
that one of our most dreaded
natural enemies somehow got in!
Oh, my God!
Joe, wake up! A cat!
Don't let it get me!
How's everybody doing tonight?
Thank you! Good-looking crowd.
Anybody here from New Jersey?
What exit?
He's dying out there.
Some pretty cool cats from there:
Sinatra, Bruce.
Say, nice set of whiskers, sir.
Poor Ralphie. I can't look!
It's Cousin Tiny from Texas!
Howdy, cousins! Just buzzing through!
Let's have ourselves a little rodeo!
It's chicken-pickin ', finger-lickin ' good
I got my honey in a sunny neighborhood
It's a wrassling, hassling, dazzling show
Grab a lady and do-si-do
A little bitty kitty-cat rodeo
Scrape it, Clyde!
Now you ought to bring your daughter
'cause it's hotter
When he's shaking and a-baking
and breaking it in
He's a-gripping, he's a-slipping
Come on, mister, bring your sister
Bring her to the rodeo
Go, Joe!
-Go, Joe!
-Attaboy, Joe!
-Look at those claws digging into his face!
-That's got to hurt!
Good arm, Joe! Good arm!
You saved my life!
No human being has ever saved the life
of a cockroach.
This is a breakthrough
in "interspecio" diplomacy!
Yeah? Well, stop following me
to work already!
-For God's sake!
-You got it, Joe.
-Forget about it.
-Don't worry.
We don't follow you to work no more.
Yeah, right. I've heard that before.
Give me a "J"! Give me an "O"! An "E"!
-What's that spell?
-Joe!
-What's that spell?
-Joe!
Dear Mom, the job situation
has been a little tricky.
But I know I'm going to land
something soon.
Congratulate me.
This is the first of my works to use paint!
I call this piece lnstant Minority.
I did the whole block.
But people are black or white or brown.
Nobody's purple!
Periwinkle!
You're now the world's smallest minority.
How am I supposed to get a job
looking like this?
-You know how to play drums?
-No.
Perfect! You want a job?
I'm doing a musical performance.
You can sit in for my drummer. He's dead.
Well, sure.
What? He's dead?
Actually, it's a very funny story.
There's a crack dealer in our building
and my drummer called him--
Slit his throat so badly that his own mom
couldn't identify him at the morgue.
I'll miss that guy.
Is it a deal?
Excellent. Here. You can put these up.
That's a cool name for a band.
Shit.
-Hi.
-Hi.
It's a band.
What is?
This.
That's nice.
I'm the drummer.
We kick ass.
I guess you must.
What are those for?
It's a community garden.
We'll plant flowers and have a playground
for kids, vegetables for families.
Cool.
Yeah, but the lot is totally bare of soil.
We'll need fertilizer.
-Fertilizer?
-Yeah, a lot of it.
And then I saw your sign. I thought...
that is exactly what we need.
Well, maybe I can help out.
Wonderful. I'm Lily.
I'm Joe.
Dear Lily, it was great to meet you.
I'm into gardening, too.
I can plant trees,
weed flowers, dig bulbs....
Boobs, Joe, not bulbs!
Tell her you dig her boobs!
Dames like compliments!
Nothing like the sight of a woman with
a sack of grubs hanging off her abdomen.
Can't you see
I'm trying to have some privacy?
Hey, Joe, what's this idea
you people keep kicking about "privacy"?
Explain it to us. We don't get it.
People need to be alone sometimes.
That's a false philosophic concept.
-You are never alone.
-Not in New York City.
Us roaches see everything you do.
So what? We're all friends here.
Okay. Fine. Shut up.
Oh, I like that.
-"Shut up," he says.
-Shut up yourself.
-No manners, this guy.
-Who needs you?
-So long, Romeo.
-I bet she's a dog.
Dear Lily, I want to help your garden.
That's "plow your garden," Joe.
Tell her you want to plow her.
I said shut up already!
Come on, Joe!
Dames secretly like it
when you give them shit.
We need fertilizer. Lots ofit.
What are you doing?
Giving you a neck rub.
You seem a little tense.
-Okay, okay! We're gone!
-Chill out.
Wait.
Hey, get out!
You've got to be more careful
with those enthusiastic greetings.
I'm an old man.
Oh, Daddy.
I got a call from your job supervisor
the other day.
He told me that you're spending
a lot of time in that little atrium of yours.
But I must insist....
Tell me where you got those earrings.
Saks.
The atrium is just a dry run
for my first big project.
What? I'm sorry, a project? What project?
I'm starting a community garden
in the East Village.
That's nice. Whereabouts?
East 8th Street in Avenue B.
In your old neighborhood.
Isn't this great, Daddy?
Pumpkin...
I'm building a federal prison on that site.
A prison?
In the middle of the East Village?
Why not? With all the crime and drugs,
it's already a prison.
Not until my 30-day
gardening permit expires.
And by that time,
I'll have the whole East Village behind me.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I have some mulching to do.
Hey, what's that smell?
-It's odoriferous.
-It's "splendoriferous."
-Joe, you are a prince among men.
-Always thinking of your buddies.
Letter for Ralph.
-Mail call!
-Anything for me?
-Letter for Rodney.
-A postcard from Uncle Sid.
How is Tampa?
Garbage magazine?
-Thanks a bunch, Joe!
-My sex toy arrived yet?
Junk mail, junk mail.
Hey, one for me.
-It's from Mom.
-No kidding.
-How is the old bag?
-Be respectful.
Joe knows I'm kidding!
"Dear Joe, got you a job interview
with P.I. Smith & Sons.
"The boss is
my old high school classmate."
-P.I. Smith & Sons? Great company.
-You've heard of them?
They're the biggest manufacturer
in New York.
What do they make?
When I was about your age,
I woke up one morning and said to myself:
"Urinal cake.
"That's the future."
So...
I decided to aim
for men's room manufacturing.
Now I'm the richest man
in the urinal sanitation industry.
Twenty million men
piss on my name everyday.
That's great, sir.
So, you're an lowa boy, like me.
Yes, sir. Went to Murchison High School.
Good old Murchison.
"Go, Bullfrogs! "
My mom could do that cheer really well.
She was a varsity cheerleader.
I remember.
Your mom was the hottest tomato
in school.
Does your mom still wear her hair
in that sexy way?
Does mischief still sparkle in her eye...
that minx?
Mommy still got that saucy swing
to her hips?
Did Mommy ever give you...
a sponge bath?
Welcome to the research department
for P.I. Smith & Sons.
You will play an essential role
in our quest for the perfect urinal cake:
Used product retrieval.
Your first assignment, retrieve
all used product from the restrooms...
at 58 East 161st Street, the Bronx.
Deliver them to the research department
for testing.
58 East 161st Street.
58 East 161st....
Joe's here!
Let him watch. He's okay.
What's this?
Channel R.
The roach public access channel.
You roaches have your own channel?
Shut up!
Are you ready
for something itsy-bitsy, baby?
Come and get it, you greasy little tick.
Oh, my God! I'm going to pupate!
You so fine, baby.
Bloats up your crop, don't it, Joe?
Hey, Joe!
-What is it now?
-You seem a little down.
Are you okay?
Just great.
I'm lonely, my job sucks...
and I'm in love with a girl
who's got a boyfriend.
My life has totally turned to shit.
Funny thing about shit, Joe.
-Good stuff grows out of it.
-Yeah, right.
You don't believe me?
Check out that bag in the corner.
Where do you want this stupid bush?
Right over there.
Isn't this great, Blank?
This is not my thing.
Why did I say yes to this?
For you.
Elephicalia vermilius?
I did my senior thesis on this flower.
It's only found
in Sri Lankan elephant habitats.
It loves rotting, moist conditions.
You know....
It's a terrific planting for the garden.
Good.
Thanks.
What's "P.I.S. & S?"
It's the bank I work for.
"Prudential lnvestment Stocks
and Security Savings...."
I thought you played in a band.
I do.
But...
banking is kind of like my trade.
I'm sort of a rock-and-roll banker.
You wear these overalls to work?
What's this?
Those are super-mulching pellets.
Great for growing things.
-I've never seen them before.
-It's a new technology.
Could you get some of these
for the garden?
As many as you want!
Thank you.
You're great.
On one condition:
You come see my band tomorrow night.
I can put you on the list.
I don't know.
Come on.
Can't resist a man in a uniform.
Thank you for tuning into Alternative Life.
New York's only truly underground forum.
We continue last week's discussion:
"How can we promote better
understanding between species?"
Lay off the rat jokes!
How many rats does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
How'd you like a punch in the beak,
wise guy?
Lay off the bird, sewer breath!
Go gnaw some nuts!
Can 't we all just get along?
No!
Now, guys--
-Out of the way.
-We're watching Charlie Roach.
I've got a date tonight.
Is she cute?
-About time, Joey!
-Porkola time, buddy.
-So I want you to stay out of sight.
-Who, us?
-Sure, Joey.
-No problem, Joe.
-You got the place to yourself.
-We're Gandhi.
I'll forget every horrible thing you've ever
done to me if you disappear tonight.
-Just disappear.
-We're on the same team.
Forget about it.
I mean it.
Thanks, Joe.
Look at that piece of meat.
That is some dope shit, Joe.
Look at that, Joe!
-That hit the spot.
-Complements to the chef.
Joe's first date!
Let's make it special.
-Great idea, Ralph.
-Special, sure.
I'm in favor.
Come on, buddy, that's it.
Let's get him over the curb.
Mr. Smith?
It's a hostile takeover.
Ten minutes ago this company became
a wholly-owned subsidiary...
of Featherstone Feminine Products.
They're going to shut down
the whole urinal cake division!
Don't forget to take this.
This way, gentlemen. Roll it over here.
My whole life's work!
Ruined!
That's right.
The days of trickle-down economics
are over.
Ladies and gentlemen. It's loud, it's bad...
it's Shit!
Easy crowd.
Oh, a new drummer.
Yeah, I hope he's good.
Hit it!
I'm sorry!
There won't be any rock-and-roll tonight.
This is all that's left!
This feeble wimped-out death rattle...
is all that remains of the rolling thunder...
of America's heartbeat!
It wasn't that bad.
Yes, it was.
Maybe you should stick to banking,
after all.
I'm not a banker. I'm not a drummer.
I can't even keep a job
collecting urinal cakes.
I'm just...
nothing.
I think you're something.
-Why aren't you with your boyfriend?
-What boyfriend?
The guy I saw you kiss in the garden
a few days ago.
He's probably home kissing my mother.
He's my dad.
The lot is completely planted.
The community is behind it,
the flowers are starting to bloom.
Now I just have to show it to my father...
and show him something good
can come out of the neighborhood...
and it's worth saving.
Do you want to come to my place?
I've got a towel you could use.
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Baby, I got the love
Baby, I got the power
Come on, girl, and rock my world
And my funky towel
Baby, got the love
Baby, got the howl
Let's get down to party town
And my funky towel
Thick and funky
Steamin ' up the dance floor
Get on up and shake that thing
Everybody's gettin ' what they ask for
Everybody, everybody, sing
Sing, sing, sing
Welcome to Joey's toilet
-Make yourself at home.
-Thanks.
I've got a towel....
What are you doing?
Having a party, what does it look like?
I'm serious. I want you out of here!
-Joe, my brother!
-Thanks, Joey!
-What say there?
-Bust a move.
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Okay, I'm dancing. Now, beat it. Leave.
You just flushed the rhythm section
out to Coney lsland.
So follow them out there. Lily's here.
She is?
My towels are in the laundry.
Oh, that's fine.
So...
do you live here alone?
Yep. Nobody here but us.
Guys, you promised.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
-Up periscope.
-Music, maestro.
How about a smooch, baby?
Your place is so comfy.
Shut up.
I mean...
drink up.
Down the hatch, sweetie.
Here's to life's little surprises.
I think you'll need one of these, Joe.
Pretzel nugget?
Bon appetit.
What a lover!
A real Casanova.
Go get her.
I beg your pardon?
Feeling better?
Well, I'm...
still a little wet.
-What's going on?
-Don't push.
I'm sorry. I hope you don't catch cold.
-She wants it.
-I smell victory.
At least it wasn't a downpour.
Steady there!
-Steady!
-Don't tip it!
Let me out of here!
No, no! Wait!
Oh, my God!
Lily, come back!
Oh, my God.
My garden.
My father was right.
This place does deserve to be a prison.
The East Village sucks!
We're really sorry, man.
-We're sorry.
-We didn't mean it.
Tough break, buddy.
We didn't know.
Beer, Joe? Oh, sorry.
She'll never speak to me again.
Come on. There'll be others, Joe.
I don't want any others. I want Lily.
I want to die.
Look on the bright side.
You always got us.
All right.
That's it.
I'm getting rid of you roaches
once and for all.
Wait. Don't be rash.
I'll kill every last one of you!
We're family!
Well, I guess this means war.
Joe, let's talk.
This is all I have to say to you, Ralph.
-He's got a bomb!
-Run for your lives!
No! Don't do it!
My babies! My babies!
One, two, three, heave!
Heave!
Careful, soldier, don't lose your head.
Oh, Joe's little dolly got hurt.
Red alert!
Armored force, attack!
Let her go!
Timber!
-What the....
-Hello, Joe.
Now can we talk?
-You go first.
-No, you go first.
Goddamn, you little sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of my apartment!
Listen to that.
-Your apartment?
-I believe we were here first.
We'll be here last, too.
We got a long-term lease on this planet.
Roaches will be crawling on the daisy
popping out of the last rotting human.
God, you're disgusting!
Like you humans
are any kind of fucking prize!
What makes you so much better than us?
War, pollution, New Age music!
I suppose those things are our fault?
We just want to say two things. First:
We're sorry we ruined your life. Second:
Goodbye.
-Toodles.
-Sayonara.
What do you mean "goodbye"?
-We took a big risk talking to you.
-Since you faked our friendship...
you can't walk off
knowing what you know.
Painful decision, Joe.
Wait!
Here, roachy, roachy.
Going to miss you.
I was kidding.
-Any last words?
-Don't kill me.
Those are the last words?
Ready! Aim!
Ralph! Rodney!
Help!
Big deal. Please hold.
So what? Please hold.
Don't make me laugh. Please hold.
No, ma'am.
I think you should take the shrapnel out
before you cauterize.
-I don 't think I can do it.
-Please hold.
Central Complaint Department.
I'd like to speak to Lily Dougherty.
Lily's not here.
Will she be back soon?
No. She's sick.
Sick?
She's sick of her job.
And she's sick of New York City.
And she's sick of having her stupid
daydreams dashed to pieces.
And what makes her sickest...
is the unspeakably rotten things
some people do to other people...
just when she was beginning to like them!
Lily, is that you?
No.
Lily quit.
Lily, it's Joe!
Lily!
Ralph!
Rodney!
I don't care
if you can hear me or not, Ralph!
But you can keep this goddamn city!
I'm going back to lowa!
Here's a souvenir to take with you.
So long, sucker.
I love the real estate business.
The place looks great.
Sure it does, Ralph. Where's Joe?
Around here someplace, I suppose.
Joe!
Joe, speak to me!
Who did this to you?
We did, Ralph. We ran out on him
just when he needed us most.
We behaved no better
than a bunch of people.
We got to make it up to him.
Let's find him a new place.
We got to get Lily back, too.
Forget that, I'm a cockroach,
not Santa Claus.
Ralphie, I'm surprised at you.
Does this mean you're giving up?
Give up? Give up?
What are you saying to me?
How come us roaches have been able
to outlast the dinosaurs?
How do we survive poison
and persecution?
How do we keep on crawling
in the face of the world in arms?
How?
I'll tell you how.
Because we never give up!
A true cockroach never gives up!
They can stomp us, they can pop us,
but they'll never ever stop us!
Some day, the great H-bomb will drop,
and we'll have the planet to ourselves!
I don't care if we call in favors from
every roach, rat and pigeon in New York.
We aren't giving up on Joe!
-Great speech, Ralph!
-Truly righteous, brother.
Where's the stapler?
-I need five copies.
-How do you spell "memorandum"?
Boot it up.
Anybody got a 1942 W-440?
Special delivery.
This is giving me hay fever.
Hey, watch the potholes, homes.
Excuse me, sir. Mind if we borrow this?
Tubular!
Wash out!
Sewer surfing
Under-turfing
We get our kicks while we're hanging six
On a sewer surfing holiday
We're surfing, we're sewer surfing
Shoo-shoo
Shooting the tube
We are going to get there
Shooting the tube
Hitting the loo
We're dirtier than you
We are shooting the tube
Are you sure this is the right address?
Yes, Daddy.
"324 1/2 East 8th Street.
"Prison dedication, 9:00 a.m."
Funny, I could have sworn
this was an empty lot.
-Hi, Lily.
-Joe!
What's all this?
I guess it's sort of...
mine.
And I'm giving it to you.
Is it okay?
It's wonderful, but how did you....
My friends helped.
I see.
Lily, you were right.
This park will do more for
the Lower East Side than 1,000 prisons.
My boy, you've done my old neighborhood
a great service.
It was all her idea, Senator.
Come on.
My friends...
this extraordinary garden...
is the first blossom
of this neighborhood's rebirth.
What is this?
Kill that lying,
two-timing Senator Dougherty. Tonight.
Whack his daughter
and that damn kid, too.
See all these people here?
Dead by the end of the week.
And that little girl over there--
Mr. Shirt!
Let me show you a hot new property.
Welcome to Lily Park!
There's an extra toothbrush
in the cupboard.
Oh, really, don't bother.
It's the least I could do.
Your house burned down.
I'll set you up on the couch.
Joe, you're practically inside.
Ralph!
-Little last minute advice.
-Get lost, Ralph!
Look into her eyes and say:
"Baby, I'm going to bop you
till your ears bleed! "
Did you need something?
No, thanks.
Play your cards right, Joe,
and this could be our new pad.
"Our new pad"? You little....
We busted ass for you!
What kind of thanks do we get?
Ralph...
thanks.
For everything.
Forget it. Sorry about our little
misunderstanding back there.
Me, too. Now, how about a little privacy?
Take my advice, just grab her by--
Gosh, Lily, you look incredible.
-How about a little help here?
-No. I mean it.
You're the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen in my life.
I bet you say that to all the girls
the minute you get them alone.
We are alone, aren't we?
Last I looked.
Oh, please, let me.
I can make the bed myself.
Really? Have you ever made a bed
in your life?
Sure, watch this.
Swinging pad!
What do you think, Rodney?
Brother Ralph...
I believe that we have finally reached
the promised penthouse!
Brother bugs and sister insects!
Come on with it, Rodney!
Give a shout out to the Great Big Bug.
With his help,
we can turn this antiseptic sanctuary...
into a putrid paradise!
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, pull me through
Pull me through
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, pull me through
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, till I join that golden horde
I'll be hanging
Hanging onto you
Lily, now that we're alone,
I should tell you...
I'm sorry about what happened
at my apartment.
My friends are sorry, too.
Friends?
I never thought I'd say this,
but they're actually kind of sweet.
They must like you a lot.
Not as much as I like you.
Go, Joe!
We've been battered
And we've been scattered
We've been splattered into goo
-But the healer, he took my feeler
-Praise the Lord, hallelujah!
And he really pulled me through
-Oh, he pulled me through
-Oh, that feeler
When I cash my chips and pay the dealer
I'll be holding onto the Lord's feeler, too
Hold my feeler
And my antenna, too
I've been down and I've been trampled
And dug myself down deep in a hole
But I was lifted
By the love of that Great Big Bug
With his feelers 'round my soul
Whoa, Lord
Won 't you hold my feeler?
Hold my feeler and pull me through
I want you to feel my feeler!
My Lord, there 's nothing realer
Joe, that tickles.
Than my ever-loving feeler feeling you
So! So long from Joe's apartment
We're sad to see you go
Thanks for coming, it's been swell
Check back into our motel
Hope you didn 't mind the smell
Joe's apartment
our own sweet home
City by the greasy rolling sea
I crawl so small
And it stands so tall
And it all belongs
To me
Welcome to Joe's apartment
It's our apartment, too
We've been around
for a hundred million years
And we'll be here long after you
Let's go to our place
It's a great big space
It's where I wanna be
Where friends all meet
And life is sweet
'Cause everything's for free
It's the joint, it's a gas
It's a big fat boot in the ass
Let's toast! Raise your glass
Here's to Joe! A man with class
So! Hello from Joe's apartment
You're gonna love the view
It's a nest that beats the rest
We're so glad that you're our guest
Come on in, we're all undressed
Joe's apartment, we welcome you!
Nice singing!
The movie's starting.
Dear Mom,
I made it to New York safe and sound.
Hands up, pinhead!
Dear Mom, I made it to New York.
Hands up, pinhead!
Dear Mom--
Hands up, pinhead!
Please send money.
Don 't worry, Mom, I'll pay you back soon.
I'm bound to get a job.
I'm a college graduate.
But first things first.
I got to get an apartment.
I hope I can get one really cheap.
$1,500 a month?
There's a hole in the ceiling.
It's a private atrium.
$1,100 a month for 300 square feet.
That's a sweet deal.
No vacancy.
$1,500 a month.
Nothing for that price range.
Try Nebraska.
Oh, my God, mister. Are you all right?
Two days, seven hours,
twenty-three minutes and four seconds.
That's how long I've been lying here.
Are you okay?
Of course not. I'm an artist.
I wanted to express how cold,
how pitiless this city really is.
Nobody touched you for two days?
Spitting doesn't count.
You must be from out of town.
Yeah.
Iowa.
-What's your name?
-Joe.
Walter. Walter Shit.
Walter Shit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Looking for a place?
Something for $100 a month.
Hey, junior here thinks he's going to find
his own rent-controlled apartment!
Rent-controlled apartment?
Yeah.
A place where the rent's been frozen
since the 1950s.
Those places are hard to find
because no one ever leaves them.
Not unless the landlord gives them
a little help.
I love the real estate business.
They're tougher than they look.
See? There's really no way
to get a rent-controlled apartment.
No way at all?
I mean, only if
it's your mom's apartment...
and she croaks.
How you doing, Mrs. Grotowski?
Oh, my God!
Joe, Mrs. Grotowski doesn't have
any family.
You pose as her son, take her apartment.
What?
I couldn't!
Oh, my God!
Joe!
It's your mother!
And she's dead!
Thank you.
My first place!
Quiet!
Got to hide! Got to hide!
-Never seen him around before.
-Where's the old lady?
-Luggage! I don't like it!
-Stay undercover.
Right, another stupid human.
-Shut up!
-Can it, both of you.
Oh, no!
Yummy, yummy!
Damn. Ralph's out there. Poor sucker.
This is the greasiest,
ugliest bug I've ever seen in my life.
-Look at that.
-Our kind of guy.
He likes good living. That's for sure.
-He's not so bad.
-He's got potential.
Did you hear that? "Greasy."
Nice compliment.
I thought you was smushed for sure.
Who's out there?
Schlomo and Pauli, who else?
-Schlomo, I quit drinking.
-Me, too, Pauli.
Ever since I joined this health club.
It's a great lap pool.
Diver down.
We're gonna get drunk.
Hold on. He's having a taste
of Old Hound Dog instead.
I'll drink to that.
I can't tell you how happy I am
to be finally out on my own, Mom.
No, no thanks, Mom.
I can find a job by myself.
Look how easy I got a place.
Yes, Mom.
No, Mom. Right, Mom. Good, Mom.
Isn't his mom supposed to be dead?
Landlord!
I hope everything's going fine
up in heaven, Mom.
Pray to you later. Amen!
Joe, who are you talking to?
Who the hell are you?
Joe Grotowski.
Joe F. Grotowski.
Vladimir Bianco.
My cousin, Jesus.
Vlad and Jesus Bianco?
You are related?
Speaking of relations,
I knew your old lady...
and she never talked you up! Not once!
-I've been away at college.
-ls that so?
Well, $50 rent, college boy.
-Cash!
-Now!
Sorry about your moms, man.
But maybe you won't be missing her long.
Amen.
Dear Mom, thanks for another loan.
I haven 't found a job yet...
but I'm on the lookout for something good.
Thank you for calling 91 1.
Your call is important to us.
Please stay on the line.
Your local police precinct
will be with you shortly.
Central Complaint Department,
please hold.
I don't know. Please hold.
I can't help you. Please hold.
Like, who cares, man? Please hold.
Alligators in the subway.
Interesting, ma'am. Please hold.
No, sir. Don't try to saw it off yourself.
Please hold.
-Central Complaint Department.
-I'm calling from 324 1/2 East 8th Street.
No water, no heat, no power.
Roof leaking, drug dealing.
People falling out of windows?
Congratulations, sir.
This is the worst call I've had all day!
Really?
Coffee break!
Please hold.
Hello?
Lily, what's up?
Oh, Blank. Hey.
This garden of yours
is really coming along.
-Quite a change from the old air shaft.
-Oh, yeah.
It's such a relief after all those calls.
It ain't bad now.
Wait till there's a riot or a fire!
Serious O.T.
I wish we could do something
other than put people on hold.
What are you doing
in this dead-end city department anyway?
Child, go work for your dad.
The man's a U.S. senator.
Wear a nice dress, sit next to his podium.
You could get into politics, easy.
-Mr. Bianco.
-Check it out.
Please, Senator, just call me Alberto.
Have you brought me good news, Alberto?
My second to the last tenant
has just taken flight, Senator.
We two saw her off personally.
Wonderful. She'll love the condo
you bought her.
Nothing is too good for my tenants.
And how about your last tenant?
We made his final arrangements.
And soon the building will be yours.
The U.S. government will have
acquired the last property we need...
for the brand new...
Manhattan...
maximum security...
federal penitentiary.
The biggest prison in the world.
Whatever happened
to the Lower East Side?
How did it decay so badly...
that the only thing
that'll sprout in its soil...
is a jail?
We can't take all the credit for that.
But we're glad we could help.
Oh, look at those kids.
They could get hurt,
playing in this empty lot.
I used to get plenty of cuts
and scratches...
but that's all there is around here.
Hi, guys.
What are you making?
A crack house.
Oh, my God.
This is awful.
This should be a public garden,
with safe places for kids to play...
with flowers and trees.
Lily, this ain't no cute little
building atrium.
This is the nastiest neighborhood
in New York City.
Come on, girl.
-Conference.
-What's up, Ralph?
This new guy, Joe. He don't wash,
clean, vacuum. He don't give a crap.
He's the dirtiest slob on the planet.
I think I'm in love.
-Me, too, Ralph.
-I vote we keep him.
We got to break him in, that's all.
Oh, my gosh!
Looks like the landlord
wants to change Joe's lease.
They aren't doing no paint job.
Let's not kid ourselves.
If Joe gets greased, we're next.
I won't stand for it!
Let's teach them toe-heads some respect!
Roaches to the rescue!
I love the smell of this old couch.
-Double time! Double time!
-Hang on!
Hurry! These goons will bust Joe's skull!
He knows it, too.
-Feel him shaking?
-Spring is in the air.
-Stay cool, Joe.
-Take it easy, Joe.
Don't worry, Joe. We got your back.
Who....
Where is he?
-Troops! Antennas up!
-Sir, yes, sir!
Bombs away!
Give me a kiss, asshole.
God, they talk?
That's right!
I'm about to kick your ass, too!
Disgusting little....
Your mama's cooking sucks!
I wouldn't even touch it.
I think he got me! He got me!
I'm heading up to that big Dumpster
in the sky.
You missed!
Over here, fruitcake.
Let's go!
It's a roach clip. Get it?
Now you're in trouble!
Ought to stomp your freaking head!
Slip on something more comfortable.
Hiya, Hansel and Gretel,
lay off our buddy Joe.
-Okay. Just let us go, please!
-Are you listening?
Because if you ain't, you'll get a roach
in every meal you'll ever have...
for the rest of your freaking life!
-You got that?
-Yeah!
We know where you live!
We live where you live.
-What a fall!
-Leaving so soon?
-The party's just started!
-See you.
Hate to be you!
-A spare!
-You was robbed!
You was great, Ralphie.
What a couple of pansies.
Joe, are you all right?
Get back!
-Joe.
-Buddy!
-That ain't no way to treat your friends.
-My friends?
Sure! We like the way you run things here,
so we wanted to keep you around.
You can talk.
Talk? We can sing!
Garbage
Garbage
Garbage
Sorry.
The garbage in the moonlight
Gives off a lovely smell
Sipping sewage with my baby
In our little roach motel
Please, don 't tell
On an ocean trip on a garbage ship
With a cockroach I adore
We 'll take a taste of the medical waste
That washes up on shore
Oh, sweetheart, say you love me
And crawl underneath my rug
You're one in a thousand billion, baby
Oh, won 't you be my bug?
Oh, won 't you be my bug?
Please, be my bug
God, what a nightmare.
I'm up. I'm up already.
-What's that?
-I'm trying to get some shuteye here.
Morning. My name's Ralph Roach.
This is my associate, Rodney Roach.
What's happening, Joe?
Another hot and muggy, Joe?
-What are you doing on my breakfast?
-Little nosh, that's all.
-How's it hanging today?
-Word up.
How do you like the Knicks?
How many of you are there?
This apartment? Not a lot.
About 20,000, 30,000, 40,000.
Mostly family, you know.
-And you can talk?
-Sure.
We just don't talk much.
Not to people, anyhow.
No point. People smush first,
and ask questions later.
But not you, brother. You're different.
Oh, yeah?
Joe, Joe!
Let's be friends.
We just saved your life, remember?
Besides, Joe...
if those two friends of yours come back,
we might come in useful.
So, how about
a live-and-let-live philosophy here?
"Slobs of a feather swarm together."
-Makes sense to me.
-That's fair.
-What's yours is ours.
-Stereo rights?
Just warn us before you flush.
I got to get out of here.
-Where are you going?
-None of your business.
-Mind if we hang out with you?
-Yes!
-Come on!
-Don't be that way, Joey!
Can't we? Please?
-You won't even notice us.
-We'll be good.
What's up his butt?
We ought to keep an eye on him,
in case he needs our help.
-Right as usual, Ralph.
-Excellent idea, Ralph.
Ritardo's!
Come on in. The cheese is fine.
You're fired!
Here are your enlargements, sir.
You're fired!
You're fired!
-You're fired!
-You're fired!
Poor Joe. Having trouble keeping a job.
We're doing our best to help.
Guess we got to keep on trying.
-Love this guy! Breakfast?
-Don't mind if I do.
-Don't panic or nothing.
-What do you mean?
Well, it appears to me...
that one of our most dreaded
natural enemies somehow got in!
Oh, my God!
Joe, wake up! A cat!
Don't let it get me!
How's everybody doing tonight?
Thank you! Good-looking crowd.
Anybody here from New Jersey?
What exit?
He's dying out there.
Some pretty cool cats from there:
Sinatra, Bruce.
Say, nice set of whiskers, sir.
Poor Ralphie. I can't look!
It's Cousin Tiny from Texas!
Howdy, cousins! Just buzzing through!
Let's have ourselves a little rodeo!
It's chicken-pickin ', finger-lickin ' good
I got my honey in a sunny neighborhood
It's a wrassling, hassling, dazzling show
Grab a lady and do-si-do
A little bitty kitty-cat rodeo
Scrape it, Clyde!
Now you ought to bring your daughter
'cause it's hotter
When he's shaking and a-baking
and breaking it in
He's a-gripping, he's a-slipping
Come on, mister, bring your sister
Bring her to the rodeo
Go, Joe!
-Go, Joe!
-Attaboy, Joe!
-Look at those claws digging into his face!
-That's got to hurt!
Good arm, Joe! Good arm!
You saved my life!
No human being has ever saved the life
of a cockroach.
This is a breakthrough
in "interspecio" diplomacy!
Yeah? Well, stop following me
to work already!
-For God's sake!
-You got it, Joe.
-Forget about it.
-Don't worry.
We don't follow you to work no more.
Yeah, right. I've heard that before.
Give me a "J"! Give me an "O"! An "E"!
-What's that spell?
-Joe!
-What's that spell?
-Joe!
Dear Mom, the job situation
has been a little tricky.
But I know I'm going to land
something soon.
Congratulate me.
This is the first of my works to use paint!
I call this piece lnstant Minority.
I did the whole block.
But people are black or white or brown.
Nobody's purple!
Periwinkle!
You're now the world's smallest minority.
How am I supposed to get a job
looking like this?
-You know how to play drums?
-No.
Perfect! You want a job?
I'm doing a musical performance.
You can sit in for my drummer. He's dead.
Well, sure.
What? He's dead?
Actually, it's a very funny story.
There's a crack dealer in our building
and my drummer called him--
Slit his throat so badly that his own mom
couldn't identify him at the morgue.
I'll miss that guy.
Is it a deal?
Excellent. Here. You can put these up.
That's a cool name for a band.
Shit.
-Hi.
-Hi.
It's a band.
What is?
This.
That's nice.
I'm the drummer.
We kick ass.
I guess you must.
What are those for?
It's a community garden.
We'll plant flowers and have a playground
for kids, vegetables for families.
Cool.
Yeah, but the lot is totally bare of soil.
We'll need fertilizer.
-Fertilizer?
-Yeah, a lot of it.
And then I saw your sign. I thought...
that is exactly what we need.
Well, maybe I can help out.
Wonderful. I'm Lily.
I'm Joe.
Dear Lily, it was great to meet you.
I'm into gardening, too.
I can plant trees,
weed flowers, dig bulbs....
Boobs, Joe, not bulbs!
Tell her you dig her boobs!
Dames like compliments!
Nothing like the sight of a woman with
a sack of grubs hanging off her abdomen.
Can't you see
I'm trying to have some privacy?
Hey, Joe, what's this idea
you people keep kicking about "privacy"?
Explain it to us. We don't get it.
People need to be alone sometimes.
That's a false philosophic concept.
-You are never alone.
-Not in New York City.
Us roaches see everything you do.
So what? We're all friends here.
Okay. Fine. Shut up.
Oh, I like that.
-"Shut up," he says.
-Shut up yourself.
-No manners, this guy.
-Who needs you?
-So long, Romeo.
-I bet she's a dog.
Dear Lily, I want to help your garden.
That's "plow your garden," Joe.
Tell her you want to plow her.
I said shut up already!
Come on, Joe!
Dames secretly like it
when you give them shit.
We need fertilizer. Lots ofit.
What are you doing?
Giving you a neck rub.
You seem a little tense.
-Okay, okay! We're gone!
-Chill out.
Wait.
Hey, get out!
You've got to be more careful
with those enthusiastic greetings.
I'm an old man.
Oh, Daddy.
I got a call from your job supervisor
the other day.
He told me that you're spending
a lot of time in that little atrium of yours.
But I must insist....
Tell me where you got those earrings.
Saks.
The atrium is just a dry run
for my first big project.
What? I'm sorry, a project? What project?
I'm starting a community garden
in the East Village.
That's nice. Whereabouts?
East 8th Street in Avenue B.
In your old neighborhood.
Isn't this great, Daddy?
Pumpkin...
I'm building a federal prison on that site.
A prison?
In the middle of the East Village?
Why not? With all the crime and drugs,
it's already a prison.
Not until my 30-day
gardening permit expires.
And by that time,
I'll have the whole East Village behind me.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
I have some mulching to do.
Hey, what's that smell?
-It's odoriferous.
-It's "splendoriferous."
-Joe, you are a prince among men.
-Always thinking of your buddies.
Letter for Ralph.
-Mail call!
-Anything for me?
-Letter for Rodney.
-A postcard from Uncle Sid.
How is Tampa?
Garbage magazine?
-Thanks a bunch, Joe!
-My sex toy arrived yet?
Junk mail, junk mail.
Hey, one for me.
-It's from Mom.
-No kidding.
-How is the old bag?
-Be respectful.
Joe knows I'm kidding!
"Dear Joe, got you a job interview
with P.I. Smith & Sons.
"The boss is
my old high school classmate."
-P.I. Smith & Sons? Great company.
-You've heard of them?
They're the biggest manufacturer
in New York.
What do they make?
When I was about your age,
I woke up one morning and said to myself:
"Urinal cake.
"That's the future."
So...
I decided to aim
for men's room manufacturing.
Now I'm the richest man
in the urinal sanitation industry.
Twenty million men
piss on my name everyday.
That's great, sir.
So, you're an lowa boy, like me.
Yes, sir. Went to Murchison High School.
Good old Murchison.
"Go, Bullfrogs! "
My mom could do that cheer really well.
She was a varsity cheerleader.
I remember.
Your mom was the hottest tomato
in school.
Does your mom still wear her hair
in that sexy way?
Does mischief still sparkle in her eye...
that minx?
Mommy still got that saucy swing
to her hips?
Did Mommy ever give you...
a sponge bath?
Welcome to the research department
for P.I. Smith & Sons.
You will play an essential role
in our quest for the perfect urinal cake:
Used product retrieval.
Your first assignment, retrieve
all used product from the restrooms...
at 58 East 161st Street, the Bronx.
Deliver them to the research department
for testing.
58 East 161st Street.
58 East 161st....
Joe's here!
Let him watch. He's okay.
What's this?
Channel R.
The roach public access channel.
You roaches have your own channel?
Shut up!
Are you ready
for something itsy-bitsy, baby?
Come and get it, you greasy little tick.
Oh, my God! I'm going to pupate!
You so fine, baby.
Bloats up your crop, don't it, Joe?
Hey, Joe!
-What is it now?
-You seem a little down.
Are you okay?
Just great.
I'm lonely, my job sucks...
and I'm in love with a girl
who's got a boyfriend.
My life has totally turned to shit.
Funny thing about shit, Joe.
-Good stuff grows out of it.
-Yeah, right.
You don't believe me?
Check out that bag in the corner.
Where do you want this stupid bush?
Right over there.
Isn't this great, Blank?
This is not my thing.
Why did I say yes to this?
For you.
Elephicalia vermilius?
I did my senior thesis on this flower.
It's only found
in Sri Lankan elephant habitats.
It loves rotting, moist conditions.
You know....
It's a terrific planting for the garden.
Good.
Thanks.
What's "P.I.S. & S?"
It's the bank I work for.
"Prudential lnvestment Stocks
and Security Savings...."
I thought you played in a band.
I do.
But...
banking is kind of like my trade.
I'm sort of a rock-and-roll banker.
You wear these overalls to work?
What's this?
Those are super-mulching pellets.
Great for growing things.
-I've never seen them before.
-It's a new technology.
Could you get some of these
for the garden?
As many as you want!
Thank you.
You're great.
On one condition:
You come see my band tomorrow night.
I can put you on the list.
I don't know.
Come on.
Can't resist a man in a uniform.
Thank you for tuning into Alternative Life.
New York's only truly underground forum.
We continue last week's discussion:
"How can we promote better
understanding between species?"
Lay off the rat jokes!
How many rats does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
How'd you like a punch in the beak,
wise guy?
Lay off the bird, sewer breath!
Go gnaw some nuts!
Can 't we all just get along?
No!
Now, guys--
-Out of the way.
-We're watching Charlie Roach.
I've got a date tonight.
Is she cute?
-About time, Joey!
-Porkola time, buddy.
-So I want you to stay out of sight.
-Who, us?
-Sure, Joey.
-No problem, Joe.
-You got the place to yourself.
-We're Gandhi.
I'll forget every horrible thing you've ever
done to me if you disappear tonight.
-Just disappear.
-We're on the same team.
Forget about it.
I mean it.
Thanks, Joe.
Look at that piece of meat.
That is some dope shit, Joe.
Look at that, Joe!
-That hit the spot.
-Complements to the chef.
Joe's first date!
Let's make it special.
-Great idea, Ralph.
-Special, sure.
I'm in favor.
Come on, buddy, that's it.
Let's get him over the curb.
Mr. Smith?
It's a hostile takeover.
Ten minutes ago this company became
a wholly-owned subsidiary...
of Featherstone Feminine Products.
They're going to shut down
the whole urinal cake division!
Don't forget to take this.
This way, gentlemen. Roll it over here.
My whole life's work!
Ruined!
That's right.
The days of trickle-down economics
are over.
Ladies and gentlemen. It's loud, it's bad...
it's Shit!
Easy crowd.
Oh, a new drummer.
Yeah, I hope he's good.
Hit it!
I'm sorry!
There won't be any rock-and-roll tonight.
This is all that's left!
This feeble wimped-out death rattle...
is all that remains of the rolling thunder...
of America's heartbeat!
It wasn't that bad.
Yes, it was.
Maybe you should stick to banking,
after all.
I'm not a banker. I'm not a drummer.
I can't even keep a job
collecting urinal cakes.
I'm just...
nothing.
I think you're something.
-Why aren't you with your boyfriend?
-What boyfriend?
The guy I saw you kiss in the garden
a few days ago.
He's probably home kissing my mother.
He's my dad.
The lot is completely planted.
The community is behind it,
the flowers are starting to bloom.
Now I just have to show it to my father...
and show him something good
can come out of the neighborhood...
and it's worth saving.
Do you want to come to my place?
I've got a towel you could use.
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Baby, I got the love
Baby, I got the power
Come on, girl, and rock my world
And my funky towel
Baby, got the love
Baby, got the howl
Let's get down to party town
And my funky towel
Thick and funky
Steamin ' up the dance floor
Get on up and shake that thing
Everybody's gettin ' what they ask for
Everybody, everybody, sing
Sing, sing, sing
Welcome to Joey's toilet
-Make yourself at home.
-Thanks.
I've got a towel....
What are you doing?
Having a party, what does it look like?
I'm serious. I want you out of here!
-Joe, my brother!
-Thanks, Joey!
-What say there?
-Bust a move.
Funky towel
Towel's got the funk
Okay, I'm dancing. Now, beat it. Leave.
You just flushed the rhythm section
out to Coney lsland.
So follow them out there. Lily's here.
She is?
My towels are in the laundry.
Oh, that's fine.
So...
do you live here alone?
Yep. Nobody here but us.
Guys, you promised.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
-Up periscope.
-Music, maestro.
How about a smooch, baby?
Your place is so comfy.
Shut up.
I mean...
drink up.
Down the hatch, sweetie.
Here's to life's little surprises.
I think you'll need one of these, Joe.
Pretzel nugget?
Bon appetit.
What a lover!
A real Casanova.
Go get her.
I beg your pardon?
Feeling better?
Well, I'm...
still a little wet.
-What's going on?
-Don't push.
I'm sorry. I hope you don't catch cold.
-She wants it.
-I smell victory.
At least it wasn't a downpour.
Steady there!
-Steady!
-Don't tip it!
Let me out of here!
No, no! Wait!
Oh, my God!
Lily, come back!
Oh, my God.
My garden.
My father was right.
This place does deserve to be a prison.
The East Village sucks!
We're really sorry, man.
-We're sorry.
-We didn't mean it.
Tough break, buddy.
We didn't know.
Beer, Joe? Oh, sorry.
She'll never speak to me again.
Come on. There'll be others, Joe.
I don't want any others. I want Lily.
I want to die.
Look on the bright side.
You always got us.
All right.
That's it.
I'm getting rid of you roaches
once and for all.
Wait. Don't be rash.
I'll kill every last one of you!
We're family!
Well, I guess this means war.
Joe, let's talk.
This is all I have to say to you, Ralph.
-He's got a bomb!
-Run for your lives!
No! Don't do it!
My babies! My babies!
One, two, three, heave!
Heave!
Careful, soldier, don't lose your head.
Oh, Joe's little dolly got hurt.
Red alert!
Armored force, attack!
Let her go!
Timber!
-What the....
-Hello, Joe.
Now can we talk?
-You go first.
-No, you go first.
Goddamn, you little sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of my apartment!
Listen to that.
-Your apartment?
-I believe we were here first.
We'll be here last, too.
We got a long-term lease on this planet.
Roaches will be crawling on the daisy
popping out of the last rotting human.
God, you're disgusting!
Like you humans
are any kind of fucking prize!
What makes you so much better than us?
War, pollution, New Age music!
I suppose those things are our fault?
We just want to say two things. First:
We're sorry we ruined your life. Second:
Goodbye.
-Toodles.
-Sayonara.
What do you mean "goodbye"?
-We took a big risk talking to you.
-Since you faked our friendship...
you can't walk off
knowing what you know.
Painful decision, Joe.
Wait!
Here, roachy, roachy.
Going to miss you.
I was kidding.
-Any last words?
-Don't kill me.
Those are the last words?
Ready! Aim!
Ralph! Rodney!
Help!
Big deal. Please hold.
So what? Please hold.
Don't make me laugh. Please hold.
No, ma'am.
I think you should take the shrapnel out
before you cauterize.
-I don 't think I can do it.
-Please hold.
Central Complaint Department.
I'd like to speak to Lily Dougherty.
Lily's not here.
Will she be back soon?
No. She's sick.
Sick?
She's sick of her job.
And she's sick of New York City.
And she's sick of having her stupid
daydreams dashed to pieces.
And what makes her sickest...
is the unspeakably rotten things
some people do to other people...
just when she was beginning to like them!
Lily, is that you?
No.
Lily quit.
Lily, it's Joe!
Lily!
Ralph!
Rodney!
I don't care
if you can hear me or not, Ralph!
But you can keep this goddamn city!
I'm going back to lowa!
Here's a souvenir to take with you.
So long, sucker.
I love the real estate business.
The place looks great.
Sure it does, Ralph. Where's Joe?
Around here someplace, I suppose.
Joe!
Joe, speak to me!
Who did this to you?
We did, Ralph. We ran out on him
just when he needed us most.
We behaved no better
than a bunch of people.
We got to make it up to him.
Let's find him a new place.
We got to get Lily back, too.
Forget that, I'm a cockroach,
not Santa Claus.
Ralphie, I'm surprised at you.
Does this mean you're giving up?
Give up? Give up?
What are you saying to me?
How come us roaches have been able
to outlast the dinosaurs?
How do we survive poison
and persecution?
How do we keep on crawling
in the face of the world in arms?
How?
I'll tell you how.
Because we never give up!
A true cockroach never gives up!
They can stomp us, they can pop us,
but they'll never ever stop us!
Some day, the great H-bomb will drop,
and we'll have the planet to ourselves!
I don't care if we call in favors from
every roach, rat and pigeon in New York.
We aren't giving up on Joe!
-Great speech, Ralph!
-Truly righteous, brother.
Where's the stapler?
-I need five copies.
-How do you spell "memorandum"?
Boot it up.
Anybody got a 1942 W-440?
Special delivery.
This is giving me hay fever.
Hey, watch the potholes, homes.
Excuse me, sir. Mind if we borrow this?
Tubular!
Wash out!
Sewer surfing
Under-turfing
We get our kicks while we're hanging six
On a sewer surfing holiday
We're surfing, we're sewer surfing
Shoo-shoo
Shooting the tube
We are going to get there
Shooting the tube
Hitting the loo
We're dirtier than you
We are shooting the tube
Are you sure this is the right address?
Yes, Daddy.
"324 1/2 East 8th Street.
"Prison dedication, 9:00 a.m."
Funny, I could have sworn
this was an empty lot.
-Hi, Lily.
-Joe!
What's all this?
I guess it's sort of...
mine.
And I'm giving it to you.
Is it okay?
It's wonderful, but how did you....
My friends helped.
I see.
Lily, you were right.
This park will do more for
the Lower East Side than 1,000 prisons.
My boy, you've done my old neighborhood
a great service.
It was all her idea, Senator.
Come on.
My friends...
this extraordinary garden...
is the first blossom
of this neighborhood's rebirth.
What is this?
Kill that lying,
two-timing Senator Dougherty. Tonight.
Whack his daughter
and that damn kid, too.
See all these people here?
Dead by the end of the week.
And that little girl over there--
Mr. Shirt!
Let me show you a hot new property.
Welcome to Lily Park!
There's an extra toothbrush
in the cupboard.
Oh, really, don't bother.
It's the least I could do.
Your house burned down.
I'll set you up on the couch.
Joe, you're practically inside.
Ralph!
-Little last minute advice.
-Get lost, Ralph!
Look into her eyes and say:
"Baby, I'm going to bop you
till your ears bleed! "
Did you need something?
No, thanks.
Play your cards right, Joe,
and this could be our new pad.
"Our new pad"? You little....
We busted ass for you!
What kind of thanks do we get?
Ralph...
thanks.
For everything.
Forget it. Sorry about our little
misunderstanding back there.
Me, too. Now, how about a little privacy?
Take my advice, just grab her by--
Gosh, Lily, you look incredible.
-How about a little help here?
-No. I mean it.
You're the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen in my life.
I bet you say that to all the girls
the minute you get them alone.
We are alone, aren't we?
Last I looked.
Oh, please, let me.
I can make the bed myself.
Really? Have you ever made a bed
in your life?
Sure, watch this.
Swinging pad!
What do you think, Rodney?
Brother Ralph...
I believe that we have finally reached
the promised penthouse!
Brother bugs and sister insects!
Come on with it, Rodney!
Give a shout out to the Great Big Bug.
With his help,
we can turn this antiseptic sanctuary...
into a putrid paradise!
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, pull me through
Pull me through
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, pull me through
Hold my feeler, Lord
Lord, till I join that golden horde
I'll be hanging
Hanging onto you
Lily, now that we're alone,
I should tell you...
I'm sorry about what happened
at my apartment.
My friends are sorry, too.
Friends?
I never thought I'd say this,
but they're actually kind of sweet.
They must like you a lot.
Not as much as I like you.
Go, Joe!
We've been battered
And we've been scattered
We've been splattered into goo
-But the healer, he took my feeler
-Praise the Lord, hallelujah!
And he really pulled me through
-Oh, he pulled me through
-Oh, that feeler
When I cash my chips and pay the dealer
I'll be holding onto the Lord's feeler, too
Hold my feeler
And my antenna, too
I've been down and I've been trampled
And dug myself down deep in a hole
But I was lifted
By the love of that Great Big Bug
With his feelers 'round my soul
Whoa, Lord
Won 't you hold my feeler?
Hold my feeler and pull me through
I want you to feel my feeler!
My Lord, there 's nothing realer
Joe, that tickles.
Than my ever-loving feeler feeling you
So! So long from Joe's apartment
We're sad to see you go
Thanks for coming, it's been swell
Check back into our motel
Hope you didn 't mind the smell
Joe's apartment
our own sweet home