John Mulaney: New in Town (2012) Movie Script

New in town is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
how are you?
Thank you.
That's very nice of you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
That's so nice of you.
I hope you're having
a good week.
Thank you for being here.
I am doing well myself.
In a couple days,
i'm gonna turn 29 years old
And i'm very excited
about that.
I was hoping by now
that i would look older
But it didn't happen.
I don't look older,
i just look worse, i think.
Honestly, when i'm walking
down the street,
No one's ever like
"hey! Look at that man."
I think they're just like
"Whoa! That tall child
looks terrible."
Get some rest, tall child.
You can't keep burning
the candle at both ends.
You ever seen on
america's most wanted
When they age a photo
of someone?
Just take my kindergarten photo
and yellow the teeth
And put bags under the eyes
and be like,
"This is what
he would look like now."
I was a very nervous kid.
I was anxious all the time
when i was younger.
But what's nice is that some of
the things i was anxious about
Don't bother me at all
Like, uh, i always thought
That quicksand was gonna be
a much bigger problem
Than it turned out to be.
Because if you watch cartoons,
quicksand is like the third
Biggest thing you have
to worry about in adult life...
Behind real sticks of dynamite
And giant anvils
falling on you
From the sky.
I used to sit around
and think about
What to do about quicksand.
I never thought about
how to handle real problems
In adult life.
I was never like,
"oh, what's it gonna be like
When relatives ask
to borrow money?"
Now i've gotten older.
Not only have i never stepped
in quicksand,
I've never even
heard about it.
No one's ever been like
"hey, if you're coming to visit,
"Take i-90 'cause i-95 has a
little quicksand in the middle.
"Looks like regular sand,
But then you're gonna start
to sink into it."
I was nervous all the time,
but i had a good family.
I have wonderful parents.
A lot of guys my age,
I'll hear them say this...
They go,
"Every day i think i'm becoming
more like my dad."
I think i'm becoming
more like my mom
Because i was watching that show
access hollywood
And one of the reporters said,
"Up next, we have an exclusive
interview with sandra bullock's
Former husband jesse james."
And out loud, i went
"ugh, this oughta be good!"
That's pure mom.
My parents are both lawyers.
They are both lawyers.
And sometimes they would be like
lawyers with us
When we were kids.
I remember one time
i was in bed
And my dad came in and he said,
"good night, john.
Did you brush your teeth?"
And i said "yes."
But here's the thing.
I hadn't.
But who cares?
I didn't have like a job
interview or anything.
So my dad comes back
in a couple minutes
Holding my toothbrush.
He says, "john,
is this your toothbrush?
And i said, "yes."
And he said, "so we agree
that this is your toothbrush."
Then he said, "john,
this toothbrush is bone dry."
Like, he looked down
and he said, "bone dry."
He said, "you lied to me."
I said, "dad, i did not lie.
"I said
that i brushed my teeth.
"I never specified
that i brushed my teeth tonight.
"And if the court reporter
reads back my remarks,
You will see that i did not
perjure myself."
My mom's also a lawyer.
She was a different kind
of lawyer with us
When we were kids.
My mom was more like
nancy grace.
She would just make
wild accusations all day long
And wait for something
to stick.
My mom would blame me
for things that happened
On the news.
That is true.
I woke up one morning
when i was a kid
And my mom was standing
over my bed.
And she said, "i just heard that
princess diana and her lover
Dodi al-Fayed have been killed
in paris"
Like i had something to do
with it.
I was like, "mom, i have been
here all night.
You can feel the tv.
It's warm."
Luckily, i had a good alibi
since i was in wisconsin and 12.
My brothers and sisters and i
had this babysitter
Named veronica
when we were kids,
And i was in love with her.
I was in love with veronica.
She would babysit us
on saturday nights.
And in my head,
when i was a little kid,
I thought that veronica
was like 25, 30 years old.
I was just talking to my mom
the other week.
I found out that when i was 10,
veronica was 13.
So why was she in charge?
All she could do was dial
the telephone a little better
Than i could.
13 when i'm 10?
That's just like hiring
a slightly bigger child.
That would be like if you're
going out of town for the week
And you paid a horse
to watch your dog.
Like, "all right, here is
the number where we'll be,
"And here's where we keep
the dog food.
"And you're a horse.
"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh."
Why do people do that?
People always shush animals.
They go, "hey, shh, shh, shh."
They've never spoken.
I always wanted to live
in new york when i was a kid.
I'm so excited that i get
to live in new york.
I saw new york city in a movie
when i was a kid.
It was called home alone 2:
lost in new york.
It is a sequel.
Yeah, how about that movie?
It was a sequel to the movie
home alone.
I remember in that movie...
Oh, the kid in home alone 2.
He gets into a stretch limousine
on 5th avenue
With a large cheese pizza,
and i thought,
"This is
the height of luxury!"
Now i live in new york
and i'm psyched,
But that is a stupid
movie title.
Lost in new york?
The streets are numbered.
How'd you get
lost in new york?
I know it's kind of stupid
to complain about a movie
That came out 17 years ago.
But i wasn't a comedian
back then.
So i have to do it now.
I wish i'd been.
I wish i'd been a def jam comic
when that movie came out.
I would have torn it
to pieces.
Be like, "you seen this shit?
"You seen this home alone 2:
lost in new york shit?
"It's a grid system,
"Where you at?
24th and 5th?
"Where you wanna go?
35th and 6th?
11 up and 1 over,
you simple bitch!"
That'd be my big joke.
That'd be the closer.
If i was a def jam comic
when that movie came out.
But alas, i was not.
I think the bullying that young
people have to go through now
In schools is really rough.
I really sympathize, 'cause
i was bullied when i was a kid.
When i was in grade school,
I was bullied for being
And the biggest problem
with that...
Is that i am not
But when i was younger,
and this is absolutely true,
People thought that i might be
I have pretty thin eyes.
I had very thin eyes
when i was a little kid
And i had straight black hair
that i wore in a bowl cut.
And from the ages of three
to eight,
People thought that i might be
a young chinese person.
On the first day
that he met me,
The guy that is now
my best friend...
He met me the first day
of kindergarten...
He went home that night
and said,
"Papa, today i met a boy
with no eyes."
And that was me.
Kids would make fun of me
in middle school.
Kids would call me
a "china man."
Which, of the racial slurs,
has got to be the laziest.
That is just pushing
two words together.
No work was done there.
It was very confusing to me
'cause i'm not chinese.
No one in my family
is remotely asian.
I mean, we take our shoes off
when we come inside,
But that was more of a carpeting
thing than anything else.
Here's how bad it got though.
I remember when
i was in junior high,
We had this music appreciation
class that we never appreciated.
And they took us to hear
some classical music once
At a symphony orchestra.
So we go
to a symphony orchestra.
In one of these classical
There's a moment where they
bang a gong.
And every time they banged
the gong,
All the kids sitting
in front of me would stand up
Turn to me and bow like that.
Which is some racist-Ass
But also incredibly
well coordinated...
For a group of 13-Year-Olds.
13-Year-Olds are the meanest
people in the world.
They terrify me to this day.
If i'm on the street
on like a friday at 3:00 p.M.
And i see a group
of eighth graders
On one side of the street,
I will cross to the other side
of the street.
Because eighth graders
will make fun of you
But in an accurate way.
They will get to the thing
that you don't like about you.
They don't even need to look
at you for long.
They'll just be like
"ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
"Hey, look at that
high-Waisted man.
He got feminine hips."
And i'm like "no! That's
the thing i'm sensitive about!"
When i was a boy,
i was also confused
With a woman sometimes
over the phone.
Because before
i went through puberty,
I had a voice like
a little flute.
I was once on the telephone
with blockbuster video,
Which is a very old-Fashioned
And...It is.
I was on the telephone
with blockbuster video.
That's like when your gram
would be like,
"We'd all go play jacks
down at the soda fountain."
And you're like, "no one knows
what you're talking about,
You idiot."
You know how you talk
to your grandma?
I was on the phone
with blockbuster.
I'd called them a couple
of times in one day
To ask about a movie.
And i called for a third time.
I said, "hey, yeah.
I was just calling to see
If you had
addams family values yet."
And the guy at blockbuster
went, "hey, lady...
I'll tell you when we get
addams family values."
But look, i wasn't offended
as a boy being confused
With a lady.
I was offended as a lady
who was getting pushed around
By this chauvinist asshole
that works at blockbuster video,
Talking to me
like i'm some floozy.
I am a proud asian-American
And you will treat me
with respect.
I am a tiger mom.
Now when people
make fun of me,
I deserve it.
Uh, i do.
When people get mad at me now,
it's my fault.
When people get mad at me
on the highway,
That's all my bad.
I'm a terrible driver.
I know nothing about cars.
I mean to learn about cars,
and then i forgot.
Nothing that i know can help you
with your car ever.
Unless you're like,
"hey, i've got a flat tire.
Does anyone here know a lot
about the cosby show?"
And then i could be like,
"oh, perhaps i could be
Of some assistance."
I'm one of the worst drivers
i have ever seen,
And i just want you all
to know
That if you're ever
on the highway behind me,
Uh, i hear you honking
and i also don't want me
To be doing what i'm doing.
I don't like that
i'm in that lane either,
And i sure would like
to get out of it.
I was on the highway
in texas recently
Which was like a highway filled
with 13-Year-Olds.
And i was in
the far left lane.
And i was going
in the far left lane
And then it turned
into a u-Turn only lane.
And i started to make a u-Turn,
but then i panicked
'Cause i didn't wanna make
a u-Turn.
So i put the car in reverse
and then merged right
Back onto the highway.
The best thing about that
was that, after that,
Cars were pulling up
and looking over
To see who just did that piece
of shit move,
Expecting to see like
a 100-Year-Old blind dog
Who's texting while driving
and drinking a smoothie.
Instead they see a 28-Year-Old
healthy man trying this best.
It's wrong to make fun
of people, you know,
But it's so fun sometimes.
I've written
for some tv shows,
And, you know,
on a major tv show,
You have to be careful about
what you say about people
'Cause a lot of people
get offended,
Or so it has been
explained to me.
I was once...
I'll tell you this.
I was writing for
an awards show once,
And i got into some trouble.
I wrote a joke
for this awards show
That had the word "midget"
in it.
And someone from the network
came down to our offices
And he said to me,
"Hey, you can't put the word
'midget' on tv."
And i said,
"i sure would like to."
And he said, "no, 'midget'
is as bad as the 'n' word."
First off, no.
No, it's not.
"Do you know how i know
it's not," i said to him,
"Is because we're saying
the word 'midget'
"And we're not even saying
what the 'n' word is.
"If you're comparing
the badness of two words,
"And you won't even say
one of them...
That's the worse word."
Also, i don't mean
to gloss over
What, like, little people have
been through in this country,
But you cannot compare
the plight of midgets
To african-Americans.
That is outrageous.
Midgets were never enslaved,
Unless you count
the wonka factory.
So we get into this argument,
we're going back and forth.
He goes, "you can't
put that word on tv."
And i said, "i want to."
And he goes, "if you put
that word on tv,
There could be a protest
of midgets on this building."
And i said, "promise?"
How tempting would that be?
I don't mean to complain
about censorship at all though,
Because as you probably
have seen by now,
You can basically say
whatever you want on television.
It's ridiculous.
You can say anything you want.
And if you don't believe me,
You should watch
a little program called
Law & order:
special victims unit.
A show that i love.
Because on that show,
you can say the grossest things
You've ever heard
in your life.
No, you can't say like
the "f" word.
You can't say that
on special victims unit.
But people walk around on svu
going like,
"Looks like the victim had
anal contusions.
"Yo, looks like we found semen
and fecal matter
In the victim's ear canal."
Those are two real things
that i heard
On law & order: svu
at 3:00 in the afternoon,
Both spoken by ice-T.
Ice-T is a detective
with the special victims unit.
He handles new york's
most sensitive cases.
I love ice-T on svu.
He is fantastic.
He's awesome.
What's so great about him
Is that he's been with the svu
for like, mm, 11 years now.
But he still treats every case
like it's his first
In terms of total confusion.
Sometimes they'll be in
the middle of an investigation
And ice-T will be like,
"yo, you telling me this dude
Gets off on little girls
with pigtails?"
It's like, "yeah, ice.
"He's a pedophile.
"You work in the sex crimes
You're gonna have to get
used to that."
You know how they try
and tie in, like, current events
To every episode of svu?
So there was this episode
i saw a while ago
That was about sex addiction.
'Cause a lot of celebrities
have come out as sex addicts.
So the episode's about
sex addiction.
There is a scene in the episode
where the other detectives
Are trying to teach ice- what sex addiction is,
And it takes a couple
of minutes.
And finally, ice-T gets it.
And they cut to him
in this close-Up
And he goes,
"oh, i get it.
"You mean like when someone
drinks too much...
Or snorts cocaine...or bets
the house on the ponies?"
I was like,
"yeah, you got it, man,"
And i was psyched
that ice-T understood
So that they could continue
with the investigation.
But i could've watched
another four hours
Of ice-T just naming
Just that close-Up
and ice-T like,
"Or like when someone smokes
too many cigarettes?
"Or like when someone shops
too much with credit cards?
"Or like when someone plays
too many scratchy lotteries?
"Or like when someone
eats too much chocolate cake?
"Or like when eats too much
chocolate cake
And then barfs it up?"
And he would just keep talking
and it would slowly fade out
And say, "executive producer
dick wolf."
That'd be my ideal episode.
That'd be a good one.
I saw this svu a little
while ago.
I saw this episode of svu,
And dean cain was a rapist...
On the show.
And there was a scene
where they do a lineup
With dean cain
and four other guys.
And they bring in this woman
who's gonna look at the lineup
And it's her behind the glass
and they open the curtain
And she's standing with
the two other detectives.
And i knew she wasn't gonna
say this,
But part of me was hoping
she would just be like...
"Is that dean cain?
"Fucking dean cain?
That's pretty cool."
I also watch the show called
cold case files.
On cold case files,
they solve old murders
And it's really interesting.
'Cause what i learn from it
is that it was really easy
To get away with murder
before they knew about dna.
It was ridiculously easy.
Like, what was even going on
back then?
What was a murder investigation
like in 1935?
One cop would just walk in
and be like, "detective,
We found a pool of that killer's
blood in that hallway."
And he would just be like,
"hmm, gross.
"Mop it up.
"Now then, back to my hunch.
"Look for clues.
"I'll tell you what we'll do.
"We'll draw chalk
around where the body is.
That way,
we'll know where it was."
A couple years ago, i saw
this movie called public enemies
With johnny depp.
It was about old bank robbers
and stuff.
Here's how easy it was
to get away with bank robbery
Back in the '30s.
As long as you
weren't still there
When the police arrived,
You had a 99% chance
of getting away with it.
To the point that, like,
those old bank robbers,
They take credit
for the bank robberies.
Like, they come
running out of there
And they're like,
"ha, ha, ha!
"And if anyone asks,
you tell 'em it was golden joe
And the suggins gang!"
And then they like
shoot "suggins"
Into the side of the wall.
It's like, what?
Were bullets free back then?
And they don't even
disguise themselves.
They dress up
for the bank robbery.
They're rolling in there
in, like, big suits and hats
Like they're going to church
in atlanta.
They make a day of it.
I don't know about that.
Oh, ho ho.
Oh, good, it has a mind
of its own.
That's very reassuring.
No, no, no, no.
I don't like robots...
thinking of things.
Hope you don't mind
that i dressed up.
It was my first communion
So i decided to come
right from it.
I was a very good
first communicant.
Thank you for coming
to this show by the way.
I really do appreciate
you coming to a thing,
Because you didn't have to,
and it's really easy
Not to go to things.
It is so much easier not
to do things than to do them,
That you would do anything
is totally remarkable.
Percentage-Wise, it is
100% easier not to do things
Than to do them.
And so much fun
not to do them!
Especially when you are
supposed to do them.
In terms of like
instant relief,
Cancelling plans
is like heroin.
It is an amazing feeling.
Such instant joy.
Kids don't like that.
Kids always wanna do stuff.
Kids get angry.
They go, "aw, we didn't
do anything all day."
You ever ask an adult
what they did over the weekend
And they say they didn't do
anything, their faces light up.
Be like, "what'd you do
this weekend?"
"I, um...i did nothing.
I did nothing at all.
Did we do anything?
No, i didn't do anything."
People especially
don't wanna do their jobs.
I've found that out
recently too.
I have a friend named megan.
She's an elementary
school teacher.
And i was out with her
one night
And she was drinking
like a monster.
And i said to her,
"don't you have to do a shift
At school tomorrow?"
And she went, "ahh, i'll just
show a video."
And i was like, "that's
why teachers show videos?"
She said this, she goes,
"yeah, i don't wanna work!"
And i was like,
"you know,
The kids don't wanna
work either."
And she was like, "good!"
I really do...I was psyched
to do it in new york.
I'm really happy to live here,
And was glad that we could
do it in new york city.
And i'm not sure how
you all got here tonight,
But i did wanna say this.
I've never been killed
by hit men.
So i don't know what it's like
in the moments just before
You're killed by hit men.
But i bet it's not unlike
when you're on the subway
And you realize that
a mariachi band
Is about to start playing.
Just that brief moment
where you're reading
And you're like,
"oh, a guitar player.
"Oh, another guitar player.
Oh, an accordion player.
oh, nooo."
this is the loudest thing
in the world
I was really excited
a lot of people showed up.
They told me that
it was a big theater
And i thought that no one
would come.
So thank you for coming.
I wanted to like take ads
out in the paper.
Like, be...You know,
do something to a tot
So i get in the new york post
or something.
The new york post
is my favorite news paper.
I think it's great.
I read it every day.
I like reading
the new york post
Because reading
the new york post
Is like talking to someone
who heard the news
And now they're trying
to give you the gist.
It's like you'd get the same
amount of information
If you grabbed someone
on the street,
And you were like
"what happened today?"
They're like
"there's a perv in queens!"
You'd be like
"all right, thank you."
Or rather, it's like someone
read a better newspaper
And now they're trying
to text you
they can remember.
Doesn't have to be right.
Just has to be short.
I really do love the post.
I read it a lot
and there's a hierarchy
In the new york post.
Different people
that they like
And different people
that they don't like.
And if you pay attention,
you can start to identify
Some of the new york post
rankings that they have.
The number one thing
that you can be
In the eyes of
the new york post is an angel.
An angel is a child
who has died.
That is the best thing
that you can be
In the eyes of
the new york post.
The less amount of time
you live, the better...
In the eyes of the post.
After that,
under an angel is a hero.
A hero is any man
who does his job.
You'll a lot of times
see headlines that are like
"Hero tutor teaches
after school."
And you're like, "yeah."
Down towards the bottom
of the spectrum,
There are pervs.
Pervs touch tots.
Tots are angels
who haven't died yet.
There are no children in
the eyes of the new york post.
You're either a tot or you're
dead and you're an angel.
I did leave one out.
Above perv is a bozo.
A bozo is any man
who cheats on his wife.
That guy's a bozo.
I remember seeing a headline
When tiger woods cheated
on his wife.
And it says, "tiger says
he's sorry,
"But elin says
'beat it, bozo.'"
No, she did not.
She is from another country.
And even if she was
from this country,
No one has said "bozo"
in 1,000 years.
Who was your source on that,
new york post?
Some tiny old lady
that chain smokes all day long?
They met her
in a parking garage
And they were like,
"madge, give us the scoop.
What did elin say
to tiger?"
"She told him
to 'beat it, bozo.'"
I'm feeling good tonight,
I got a massage recently.
Went to a spa
to get a massage.
I went into the room
to get the massage
And the woman there told me
to undress to my comfort level.
Those were her words.
She said,
"i'm gonna leave the room.
You undress
to your comfort level."
So i put on a sweater
and a pair of corduroy pants,
And i felt safe.
I'm trying to, in general,
take better care of myself.
I'm trying to stop smoking.
I've smoked since
i was 13 years old.
I started when
i was 13 years old
'Cause i stole two cigarettes
from my older sister
And i hid them in a shoebox
under my bed
With a copy of
cosmopolitan magazine.
And one day, my mom cleaned
under my bed,
And she found the shoebox.
I came home from school
and my mom was standing there
Holding it and she said,
"hey, mister!
I found your treasure!"
And i never liked the way
she phrased that, you know.
'Cause that made me sound like
the world's lamest pirate.
Like, a guy whose treasure chest
is two cigarettes
And a woman's magazine.
And my dad came home from work,
and my mom told my dad
That she had cleaned
under my bed
And found a shoebox
with two cigarettes
And a cosmopolitan,
which prompted my dad to ask,
"How does john know
how to make a cosmopolitan?"
I'm trying to eat better.
I was out to lunch with a friend
and i got a chicken sandwich.
And the waitress said to me,
"Oh, you're getting
a chicken sandwich.
Well, that comes with a choice
of either salad or fries."
Those were the choices...
Salad or fries.
The two most different foods
in the universe.
That's like saying what kinda
day do you wanna have?
Do you wanna be active and go
to the bathroom and stuff?
Or do you wanna lay
on the floor moaning?
"Oh, you're getting
a chicken sandwich?
"Well, with that,
you can either go for a jog
Or smoke crack cocaine."
"Oh, huh, well...
"If i got a plate of crack
for the table,
"Would you have some?
"You'd have crack
if i got a plate of crack?
Yeah, okay. Yeah, we'll take
an order of crack."
Sometimes when people
order fries,
They act like
it's a little adventure.
They'll be like "should we get
a plate of fries for the table?
"Should we do it?
Should we share some fries?"
They gotta make sure that
everyone's onboard with it.
It's like, "if i get fries,
you'll have a couple, right?
"If i get fries for the table,
you'll have...
"I know you'll have fries
if i get fries.
"Should we do it?
Yeah, let's be bad.
"Come on, let's do it.
All right.
We're gonna take a plate
of fries."
It's like a group of couples
agreeing to do ecstasy together.
I have a girlfriend now
Which is weird because i'm
probably gay based on the way
I act and behave, and...
I've walked
and talked for 28 years.
I think i was supposed
to be gay.
I think like in heaven they
built, like, 3/4 of a gay person
And then they forgot to flip
the final switch,
And they just sent me out
and it was like,
"You marked that one gay,
And it was like,
"oh, no! Was i supposed to?"
And they were like,
"oh, man.
"This'll be a very
interesting person.
This'll be
a very silly person."
I was definitely gay
when i was a little boy.
A lot of little boys are gay.
You know, they're very flowy
And they have hard opinions
on things.
I don't mean that i was
a sexually active gay man
When i was a little boy,
that's not what i mean.
When i was a little boy,
i was more like a 67-Year-Old
Gay man that's kinda over it,
sexually, you know.
I was just like
an old queen.
I would come out
of the recess yard and be like,
"Everyone get outta my way.
I just wanna sit here
and feed my birds."
The gym teacher would tell me
to play kickball
And i'd be like,
"you want me to do what?"
Real quick,
this happened pretty recently.
I was in a restaurant
near here in the west village,
And i was at the urinal
and an old gay man
Came in the bathroom
with a walker like this.
And he said this to me.
He went, "i'm either having
a drink or i have to pee.
You're living the golden years,
kid, not me."
Like he spoke in rhymes.
It was crazy.
It was such a weird interaction
that i wasn't sure
If it actually happened.
I came out of the bathroom
and i asked my girlfriend.
I was like,
"did you see like an old man
Follow me in the bathroom?"
And she was like, "john,
that bathroom's been closed
"For 40 years.
Whooooa! Whooooa!"
Where was i?
I'm not gay, but i might be.
And i have a girlfriend
and she's a female person.
It's going very well.
I love her very much.
And so a few months ago,
she was like,
"Okay, it's going well, so now
i should meet your parents."
Because that's what people do
when a relationship
Is going well.
They meet each other's
And i've never
understood that.
I've never been
with my girlfriend
And thought like,
"oh, honey,
"Tonight is going great.
"But do you know what would
make it perfect?
Charles and ellen mulaney."
Come on!
Let's get them in the mix.
We've been going pretty
hot and heavy lately,
I think it's time we bring in
two older catholic people.
My girlfriend's a female, and
then i had all these friends
That are female.
So when i started dating her,
i was like,
"Oh, great,
they'll all get along."
Not even a little
at the beginning.
I don't wanna make
any generalizations about women
'Cause i don't know shit
about women.
But this one thing
i've noticed
In my own personal experience
is that
I think women can be friends
with each other,
But i think it can be
tricky sometimes
When you try and force women
to hang out with each other.
I think that sometimes
doesn't work.
Like, i don't think...
Like, you could never
put together a heist of women.
Does that make sense?
Like ocean's eleven with women
wouldn't work.
'Cause two would keep
breaking off
To talk shit
about the other nine.
Or not even talk shit,
Just say weird
passive-Aggressive things
While they break
into the casino.
Just be like, "oh, i love
how you just wear anything."
My girlfriend's wonderful,
I listen to everything
my girlfriend says.
I don't mean
she bosses me around.
I just listen to everything
she says
Because, before
i had a girlfriend,
I never had someone who's
always standing next to me
Who can just point out obvious
things that are happening.
Like, we'll be
in a restaurant,
And my girlfriend
will be like,
"You ordered your food
an hour ago.
It should be here by now."
And i'm like,
"yeah, it should!"
It's like having a lawyer
for everyday life.
She'll be like,
"the bus driver shouldn't talk
To you that way."
And i'm like,
"no, he shouldn't!"
Before i had a girlfriend,
I had no standard
for how i should be treated
As a human being.
You could do anything to me.
I was just like
a young motown singer.
I was just shiny and dumb
and easy to trick.
I was like, "oh, man,
you gonna give me a whole $100
"For all of my songs?
Where do i sign,
mr. Berry gordy?"
And now when i'm not
with my girlfriend,
You can still do
anything to me.
I will tolerate
any treatment.
Like, i travel alone
sometimes, you know.
And i'll put up
with anything.
Like, i'll book a ticket
on some garbage airline.
You know, i don't wanna name
an actual airline,
So let's just make one up.
Let's call it like
delta airlines.
So i'll book a ticket
on delta airlines.
And i'll show up
at the airport.
And i go, "can i get
on the plane now, please?"
And they go,
"no, it's delayed nine hours."
And i go, "okay."
And then i go to the bathroom.
And then i come out
of the bathroom,
And i go, "any updates?"
And they go, "yeah.
"We took off while you were
in the bathroom...
"Because we hate you.
"Now take this meal voucher
that doesn't work.
Go, fetch!"
And i go, "okay."
And i go over to
the wolfgang puck express
And i go, "can i have
a sandwich please?
And they go, "no!"
And i go, "okay."
And they go, "you're
a little fat girl, aren't you?"
And i go, "no."
And they go, "say it!"
And i go,
"i'm a little fat girl."
And then i go over
to the delta help desk
Which is an oxymoron
and i go,
"Can i please go home
on an airplane?"
And they go, "no.
"In fact, we're gonna frame you
for murder.
And you're gonna go to jail
for 30 years."
And i go, "why are you
doing this to me?"
And they go, " because
we're delta airlines
and life is a fucking
nightmare "
But with my girlfriend
she would just be like,
"Let's see if southwest
has any flights."
So it's better.
My girlfriend
is a jewish woman.
Which is...
I did on purpose.
Uh, that sounded creepy.
I don't mean like
"ah, i got one!"
I mean like i...
Uh, i am not jewish.
But i've always really liked
jewish people.
I just like them a lot,
And i really like
dating jewish women.
They're great.
Because, like, i think a lot
of problems
That people have
in relationships
Are with communication
'Cause guys don't know
what women are thinking.
And with jewish women,
You do not have to guess
what they are thinking.
They will tell you.
Yeah, this is gonna get
playfully anti-Semitic,
So just allow it to go there.
Allow...I'll get in trouble.
You won't.
I really do mean this,
I really admire
that jewish people,
In my own personal
Have...Are very, like, upfront
with their feelings.
You know, they're very vocal
About their thoughts
and feelings.
And i think that's
really admirable.
You know, i'm irish.
And irish people,
they don't tell you a thing.
Irish people keep it
so bottled up.
You know, like, the plan
with irish people is like,
I'll keep all my emotions
right here.
And then one day, i'll die.
Like, in ireland, it's like,
"ah, your boy has died."
And it's like, "all right,
bury the boy.
"Do it, bury the boy.
Bury the boy."
Irish people
don't want comfort.
Look at a sweater
made in ireland.
It's like a turtleneck
made out of brillo pads.
I used to date
gentile women and...They...
I dated this girl.
She'd just stare
out the window all day long.
And i'd be like,
"what's wrong?"
She'd be like, "you wouldn't
even understand if i told you."
What the fuck am i supposed
to do with that?
My jewish girlfriend, i don't
have to guess what's wrong.
She comes in the room and
she's like, "my stomach hurts!"
And then we can
move on from there.
That's what i mean.
She's very focused.
She's very in the moment,
you know.
And that's a good thing
in a significant other.
She's very present.
Jews don't daydream,
'cause folks are after 'em
And they gotta stay sharp,
you know what i mean?
They have to be there.
They haven't let their minds
wander since egypt.
They just stay sharp.
They go, "who's that?
Who are you?
"What's that?
Put that down.
What's that over there?
Don't do that."
I'm irish.
I keep things very bottled up,
and i don't drink.
Which is not what
you're supposed to do
When you're irish.
I don't drink.
I used to drink
and then i drank too much
And i had to stop.
That surprises a lot
of audiences
Because i don't look like
someone who used to do anything.
I look like i was just sitting
in a room in a chair
Eating saltines
for like 28 years
And then i walked
right out here.
But i did.
I used to drink a lot
and then i stopped.
I don't know if anyone here is
thinking about quitting drinking
But you need to know two things
if you're thinking about
Quitting drinking.
The first is that
when you stop drinking,
And you still go to parties
where people are drinking,
They will have no idea
what to offer you.
Once people start
drinking for the night,
They forget everything
that isn't alcohol.
Like, i'll show up at a party,
and they'll be like
"Hey, everybody.
All right.
"We got coronas in the fridge,
and oh, hey, mulaney.
"Would you like,
like, an old turnip
"That we found in a cabinet?
"Would that be good for you?
Would you like that?
"I know you don't drink.
"Or my girlfriend left
a nuva ring in the fridge.
"Would you want that?
Would that be good for you?
I know you don't drink."
Also, if you quit drinking,
You're about to lose
the best excuse
You've ever had
in your life,
Which is, "i'm really sorry
about last night.
I was just so drunk."
That is a get out
of jail free card
That you don't even
realize you have
Until you lose it.
I can't say that anymore.
I can never be like, "i'm really
sorry about last night.
I was just so drunk."
Now i have to be like,
"I'm really sorry
about last night.
"It's just that
i'm mean and loud.
It probably
will happen again."
Now i, myself...
I quit drinking
'Cause i used to drink
too much
And then i would black out
and i would ruin parties.
Or so i'm told.
When you do that enough...
When you black out drinking
and you do crazy things,
You kinda become
like michael jackson.
Like, any story anyone says
about you might be true,
And even you don't know
by the end.
I saw an interview with
michael jackson before he died
And they were like,
"Is it true you bought
the elephant man's bones?"
And he was like,
"i don't know."
You know, 'cause how could
he keep track of that?
So i would hear stories
about myself.
Here's a story
i once heard about me.
I guess i was 20 and i was
at a party at someone's house
And i had blacked out
And someone came out of one
of the rooms at this party
Holding like
an old antique bottle
With some liquid in it,
and they said,
"Hey, is this whiskey
or perfume?"
And apparently i grabbed it,
drank all of it,
And said, "it's perfume."
And it was.
Another story
i heard about myself...
This one happened
in high school.
We had this teacher
in high school
Whose kid went
to our high school.
His name was mr. Mcnamara
and his son jake mcnamara
Went to our high school.
He was a sophomore
when i was a senior.
So he was two years
behind me.
And mr. Mcnamara
was an asshole.
And one weekend,
he and his wife
Decided to leave town,
Which you should never do
if you're an asshole.
And jake mcnamara
decided to throw a party
At the teacher's house.
And everyone around town
heard about it
And we all got up individually
and thought,
"Okay, let's go over there
and destroy the place."
I walked into this party.
Everyone i had ever met
was there.
And everyone was drinking like
it was the end of the world.
People were drinking like
it was the civil war
And a doctor was coming
to saw our legs off.
It was totally unsupervised.
We were like dogs
without horses.
We were running wild.
I walked down...
I walked down to the basement.
They had a pool table
in the basement.
One dude took a running start
And threw his body onto
the pool table
And broke it in half.
Another kid found out
which room was mr. Mcnamara's
And went upstairs
and took a shit on his computer.
So the party was going great.
I'm standing in the basement,
And i'm holding a red cup
you see in movies.
And i'm standing there
and i'm holding a red cup
And i'm starting to black out
and i guess someone said like
"Something something police."
And in a brilliant moment
of word association,
I yelled "fuck da police!
Fuck da police!"
And everyone else joined in.
100 drunk white children
With the confidence of guys
who have already been to jail
And aren't afraid of it
You know that like
"i served my nickel!
You come and take me"
But white children.
The reason someone had said
"something something police"
Was because the police
were there.
So a chicago police officer
walked down the stairs
And got to the bottom
in the basement
And looked out over a sea
of drunk toddlers
Yelling "fuck the police"
in his face.
And he was almost impressed.
He was like
And then he leaned
into his walkie-Talkie
And went "get the paddy wagon."
And my friend john,
who is now a father...
This man now has a baby...
He grabbed a 40,
smashed it on the ground,
And yelled "scatter!"
And everyone ran
in a different direction.
We all ran in different
It was like that scene
in ratatouille
When the humans come
in the kitchen
And all the rats
go in different ways.
We all ran in different
I ran into the laundry room
And i jumped up
on the washing machine
And i crawled out through
a window into the backyard
And now i'm running
through the backyard
And there was this
big chain link fence
And i thought i've never climbed
a fence that high before.
And then i woke up at home.
On monday, i went to school.
Because that's what we did
back then.
And i'm walking
into the school building
And who do i see
but jake mcnamara.
And he says to me
"Hey, were you at my party
on saturday?"
And i said "no."
You know, like a liar.
And he said
"things got really outta hand.
"Someone broke the pool table.
"Someone took a shit
on my dad's computer.
But the worst thing"
he says...
"The worst thing is that
someone stole these old
"Antique photos
of my grandmother
And my parents are
freaking out about it."
And i had that thought
That only blackout drunks
and steve urkel can have.
Did i do that?
I figured no,
i wouldn't have done that.
But i was never sure,
until two years later...
I'm playing video games
with this kid named alex
That we also went
to high school with.
Two years later,
we've graduated by now.
We're playing video games
for a couple hours,
And then alex says to me,
"hey, come here.
I wanna show you something."
And he takes me
into his bedroom
And then he takes me
into a side room
Off of his bedroom.
Never a good thing
to have.
He shows me a tiny room
that is covered wall to wall
In stolen antique photos
from different people's parties
Over the years.
And i said "why?
Why do you do this?"
And alex said
"Because it's the one thing
you can't replace."
That's the end of that story,
But how fucked-Up is that,
That's crazy.
So i don't drink anymore.
And it's weird, you know.
I miss it sometimes
'Cause drinking can kind of
calm your nerves.
And i live in new york now.
And sometimes you see things
that can make you anxious.
You'll see troubling things
out on the street.
I was coming into my apartment
building one night
And i saw in front
of my building
A wheelchair knocked over
on its side with no one in it.
That's a bad thing to see.
Something happened there.
You hope it was a miracle.
But probably not.
Probably something worse.
I don't like arguments.
Some people like to argue.
They think it's like an art.
I don't like it.
I think it's because
really ordinary arguments
Can get really dramatic
really quickly.
I was talking to friend
And i told him that
i didn't think
I believed
in the death penalty.
And my friend said to me,
"oh, so you're telling me
"That if you saw hitler
walking down the street,
You wouldn't kill him?"
I said "that wasn't what
i was telling you.
"But all right.
Let's talk about this...
"Entirely new topic.
"What would i do if i saw
adolf hitler just...
Just walking down the street?"
Well, first off, i wanted
to know what did my friend mean?
Did he mean that i see a guy
in like the military outfit
With the little moustache?
'Cause then i would assume that
That's someone dressed
as hitler.
I'm not gonna kill that guy.
I'm not gonna kill an actor
and ruin indiana jones v
Just 'cause i don't
understand costumes.
Or does he mean that i'm walking
down the street
And i see like an old, old man
who i think might be hitler
Based on my memory of
what hitler looks like?
I'm not gonna kill that guy
either because i am often wrong.
I'd murder him and then people
would run up and be like
"Whoa! You just killed
an old, old, man!"
And then i'd be like
"he looked like hitler!"
And they're like
"yeah, a little."
I have a lot of strange
interactions on the street.
Years ago, i was walking
down the street
And a homeless guy
came up to me
And he walked up to me
and he pushed me like that.
He pushed me in the chest.
And then he said
these things in this order.
Pushed me and he said
"excuse me, i am homeless.
"I am gay.
I have aids.
I'm new in town."
You're gonna close with
"new in town"?
That is not the most dramatic
thing that you just said.
As they say in the movie
jerry maguire,
"You had me at aids."
Here's how i would've
ordered those things.
I would've said
"excuse me.
I'm new in town
and it gets worse."
Didn't that guy practice
his pitch at all
In the mirror that morning
And just figure out
what he was gonna say?
Just like in the morning
just be like,
"All right,
what am i gonna do today?
"What i'm gonna do?
"I'll walk up and say hello.
No, that's too subtle.
I'm gonna push him."
"I'm gonna push him.
"And i'm gonna say,
'i'm new in town.'
"No, no, hold back.
Hold back.
Save it.
Build to that."
I'll be like,
i'll walk up to him,
I'll push him.
I'll go, "i have aids."
No, that's too strong.
All right.
I'll walk up to him
and...And i'll push him.
I will start with the fact
that i am homeless,
As that is a given.
Then, for a back story,
I will pepper in the fact
that i am gay.
Which i know, it's tough
for gay youths on the street,
But that's not, like,
a reason for money.
You can't be like,
"hey, would you help me out?
I'm very gay.
I'd like a few dollars."
I always love how
he phrased it, by the way.
He didn't say,
"i'm living on the street."
He said, "i'm new in town,"
Like it was intriguing.
Like he wanted me to
set him up with somebody.
Like i have a friend
who's like,
"There's no single guys
left in manhattan."
And i'm like, "i know someone
who's new in town."
"What are three other things
about him?"
Just too anxious
for a lot of things.
I get very nervous
all the time,
Not even about, like,
major life things.
Just, like, about in
everyday situations.
Like, this is my regular
speaking voice,
But if i'm in
a public bathroom
And someone knocks too suddenly
on the stall door,
I go into a whole different
speaking voice,
Which is,
"someone's in here.
Someone's in here,"
so they're gonna be like,
"I think there's a carnival
barker in there.
"I think someone's
trying to drum up business
For a carnival."
I decided to do something
about all this anxiety.
Recently i decided
i was gonna try and get
A xanax prescription.
I don't know if anyone here
has ever tried xanax,
But it's fantastic.
Very muted claps
for xanax.
You don't really
get "whoos."
It's more like,
I didn't know how to get
a xanax prescription, though.
Drugs like that
are tricky sometimes.
But i talked to a friend
of mine, and he said,
"Hey, i did this."
He said that he had a regular
doctor's appointment,
And at the end of it,
he said to his doctor,
"Hey, doctor, sometimes
i get nervous on airplanes,"
And the doctor just wrote him
a xanax prescription.
And i was like, "yeah, that's
the type of lowbrow shit
"I'm looking for.
I'll take your advice, friend
i've never listened to before."
So i go to a clinic
and i go in,
And i'm just gonna go in for,
you know,
A regular type of checkup,
And at the end,
i'll ask about xanax.
So i get to the front desk,
And they have a
"why are you here?" Sheet.
And i want to pick something
That will get me in and out
really quickly.
And i look down and i see
"frequent urination,"
And i was like, perfect.
That'll be a super quick
visit, you know?
I'll just be like, "hey,
sometimes i pee a lot,"
And the doctor will be
like, "me too. Crazy, right?"
And i'll be like, "i get
nervous on airplanes."
So i checked off
"frequent urination,"
And i sat down
in the waiting area,
And i waited
for three hours.
I finally go back to
the observation room,
in the observation room,
There is a male nurse
standing there,
And he has a batman sticker
on his stethoscope,
A batman necklace,
and a batman watch.
He was kind of moving around
the whole time.
You know, he was just like,
"all right.
"I am too blessed
to be stressed. Let's do it.
What are you allergic to,
besides work?"
And then
he'd take something
And he'd throw it
over his shoulder
And be like,
"beats workin'."
Like, all of his jokes
were very anti-Work,
Which is not always
what you want
From a healthcare
The doctor
comes in the room,
And the doctor
looks at my chart,
And he says, "oh, you're here
for frequent urination.
How many times a day
are you urinating?"
And i tried to think
of a number
That would warrant
a doctor visit,
So i said 11,
And that was
too many times to say.
The doctor looks at me
and he says,
"You're peeing 11 times
a day?
"Then you may have something
wrong with your prostate,
So what we need to do..."
Some of you are ahead of me.
So i don't know exactly
how he phrased it,
But the gist of it was, "hey,
if this visit is to continue,
I'm going to stick part
of my hand up your ass."
And i didn't know
what to say,
'Cause i couldn't be like,
"no, that's okay.
"I was lying.
"It was a lie.
"To get drugs.
You know, like a crime."
So what i did was,
i pulled down my pants
And i walked over
to the observation table,
And i put my hands down on the
observation table like this...
And by the way, part of me
was like, whatever, you know?
You know those days
when you're like,
This might as well happen?
Adult life is already
so goddamn weird.
So i'm bent over like this
on the table,
And the doctor
comes up behind me.
He goes, "no, no, no,
Not on your hands.
On your elbows,"
And he knocks me down
like that.
And this is so much worse
than this.
I don't know why.
I think it's that this has,
A little remaining dignity
to it, you know what i mean?
This is sort of like,
"oh, stick it in.
I am an american."
This is like you're leaning
over the edge of a cruise ship
And you're like, "ah,
we are approaching martinique."
But he knocked me down
to my elbows,
And then he stuck his hand in
And, you know how sometimes
you're like,
"I bet i know what most things
feel like," you know?
You just think you'll know.
I did not know what this
was gonna feel like.
And this was
the actual sound i made.
I went, "ohhhhhh."
But i didn't say it.
Like, it came from
my vocal cords,
But it was totally
It was as if a ghost had been
trapped in my belly
And finally flew out
towards the light.
And then...
When he pulled
his hand out...
We've gotten to know
each other pretty well,
So i will phrase this
as delicately as i can.
I did not realize that when
the doctor pulls his hand out,
It feels like you're shitting,
because the only thing
That's ever come out of
your butt before has been shit.
So, he pulls his hand out
and i thought
That i was shitting
into his hand,
So i yelled, "i'm sorry!"
This is a very routine
procedure, by the way,
For most doctors,
And so far, he's had to
deal with "ohhhhhh!"
And "i'm sorry!"
And he didn't even let me
off the hook, you know?
He wasn't like,
"ah, don't worry.
You didn't shit
into my hand."
He just threw his glove away
and was like, "ahgahah."
And i was about to ask
about xanax,
But then he said, "all right,
your prostate's fine,
But we still need to do
a blood test."
So i pulled up my pants
and shuffled away,
Feeling different.
And he yells out
into the hall,
He goes, "hey, we're doing
a blood test. Get in here."
And batman dances back in,
and he's like,
"All right. We're gonna
do a blood test.
You look different.
Let's do it."
The doctor left the room,
so i'm alone with batman.
I just need this blood test
to be over, okay?
But first i had to tell batman
I said, "batman, look,
i'm one of those people
"Who when you take blood
from me,
"Sometimes i can faint,
"And i was in the waiting area
for three hours,
"And i haven't eaten
all day,
And i'm really worried
i'm gonna faint."
And batman said to me,
and i'll never forget it,
You're not gonna faint."
So i stick my arm out,
Batman puts the needle in,
I immediately collapse
on the ground.
I wake up
and i am covered in sweat,
Lying on
the observation table.
I wake up, i open my eyes,
and i see batman's face.
He's looking at me and he goes,
"you gotta go."
And i said, "could i please talk
to the doctor, though, first?
Because sometimes i get
nervous on airplanes."
And batman said,
"the doctor's gone."
So i got my stuff
and i left.
The moral of the story is,
That if you've been nervous
your entire life,
You should ask your doctor
about xanax,
Because if you lie to him,
He will stick his finger
in your ass.
And if you do suffer
from frequent urination,
Keep it to yourself.
I went to that clinic
two years later
For a different checkup,
and as i was leaving,
Who did i run into
but batman.
And he smiled at me,
And he was wearing
reading glasses
To show that time
had passed.
Thanks very much
for listening to me.
My name's john mulaney.
You were really fun.
Thank you.
Thank you very much again.
Thanks a lot.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.