John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch (2019) Movie Script

So, I have a lot of big fears.
Like a big asteroid hitting the Earth,
or other stuff like that, you know?
And sometimes I was afraid
of getting hit by the ball in baseball,
but my biggest fear of all time
is drowning because--
And that's why I'm afraid of swimming
because I'm afraid of drowning.
I did take swimming classes
and I hated it, okay?
I hated it so much.
Every week...
I had it every Saturday.
That was my least favorite week--
day of the week, for that year,
and I would scream and cry
before the swimming class
because I was afraid
I was going to drown.
Because I don't want my life
to be over yet.
Actually, I'm afraid of death,
but out of all the ways to die,
I don't want to drown.
I don't want to drown, okay?
- John, suck in your gut.
- Oh...
Hi, I'm John Mulaney,
and this is the Sack Lunch Bunch.
- Oh, hi!
- Oh, hi there!
Hey, welcome to the show.
- May I go to the bathroom?
- Yeah, uh, sure.
What you're about to see
is a children's TV special,
and I made it on purpose.
It's a show for kids
by adults
with kids present.
Recently, I watched children's TV
and I didn't like it at all.
But I liked it when I was a kid,
which means it was better back then.
So I made it like then.
I have no children of my own,
and that's by choice.
Sometimes I say, "I don't have kids yet,"
but that's just to appease certain people.
Getting to know
the Sack Lunch crew, though--
I mean, we hung out a lot.
I realize these kids have a lot
on their minds that I want to explore.
- Can I ask a question?
- Yeah, shoot.
- What's the tone of this show?
- How do you mean?
She means, is it ironic,
or do you like doing a children's show?
We talk a lot about that.
That's the million dollar question.
Well, first off, I like doing the show.
I mean, The Sack Lunch Bunch is fun.
But honestly, like,
if this doesn't turn out great,
I think we should all be like,
"Oh, it was ironic."
And then people will be like,
"Oh, that's hilarious."
But if it turns out very good,
be like, "Oh, thank you,
we worked really hard,"
and act fake humble,
and then you win either way.
That's the first lesson of this special,
I just decided.
You can go very far in life
if you pretend to know what you're doing.
A lot of people in TV thrive that way.
Name names.
Sister, I could for hours.
It's John Mulaney
And the Sack Lunch Bunch
We're gonna have a lot of fun
Gotta lotta songs and guest stars too
Well, actually for guest stars
There's only one
Let's all see what's on kids' minds
The guest star's name is Richard Kind
What adventures will we find
Hangin' with the Sack Lunch Bunch?
We'll keep hangin' on
With the Sack Lunch Bunch
With the Sack Lunch Bunch
With the Sack Lunch Bunch
Hangin' with the Sack Lunch Bunch
Can you spot the differences
between these two images?
That's right.
Markers down!
Okay, I asked you all to draw
your grandparents for some reason.
Let's take a look.
Orson, who do we have here?
These your grandparents?
All right, green. They're green, okay.
Alex, what do you have?
Well, this is my Grandpa Joe
and my Grandma Katherine.
Yeah, that's definitely them.
That's Joe Jackson and Katherine Jackson.
- Uh, your mother is their daughter?
- My father.
- Your father is--
- My father's parents.
Your father is their son.
How to phrase?
Uh, was your dad,
like, a very popular singer
when he was a kid
and then an even bigger singer
when he was an adult,
or just the first part?
I'll be candid.
My dad is Marlon Jackson of the Jackson 5.
Marlon. I have no questions about him.
Did you have grandparents, John?
In a sense.
I mean, both of my parents
had two parents,
so, yeah.
And then
there was this guy, Paul.
Who's Paul?
Well, Cordelia, sometimes elderly people
go steady.
- They do?
- Yeah.
Funny, when I was a kid,
I used to sing a song about Paul.
Grandma's got a boyfriend
Grandma's got a boyfriend
Grandma's got a boyfriend
It's a little weird at first
But then you say it twice
Grandma's got a boyfriend
And I think he's pretty nice
Grandma's got a boyfriend
And her boyfriend's name is Paul
Grandma's got a boyfriend
Everyone don't like him
He's almost eighty-eight
My aunts say they don't trust him
But me, I think he's great
Grandma's boyfriend Paul
No, they don't like Paul at all
Grandma's got a boyfriend
Why does everyone hate Paul?
He ain't killed my grandpa!
He don't do nothin' at all
He just reads his mysteries
Yeah, you can solve 'em, Paul
Grandma's boyfriend Paul
Grandma's got a boyfriend
I asked Mom, "What's the fuss?
Grandma's in love again"
Mom said, "But Paul
He's always hummin'
Gilbert and Sullivan"
That ain't fair to Paul
That he shouldn't hum at all
He also eats all the cashews
His son lives down in Maryland
I guess he lost his wife
I should ask
"What's your story, man?"
I bet old Paul had quite a life
Grandma's boyfriend Paul
He calls waiters "garon"
The fella fought on D-Day
Grandma brought Paul
To our cousin's christenin'
She wore a brooch
That Grandpa gave to her before he died
Well, my mom and aunts
Oh, they went crazy
They yelled about the brooch
Till Grandma cried
Don't you make Grandma cry
Paul, Lord, he tried to intervene
No, no, Paul, big mistake
I said, "Paul, listen
This is not your fight"
Stay out of it, Paul!
"These women would love
A reason to destroy you"
Easily provoked
- "They'll scream..."
- You're not our dad!
" you all night"
Mom, I know you miss your dad
Hell, I miss Grandpa, too.
But it ain't Paul's fault
That he's gone
So what is wrong with you?
Grandma's got a boyfriend
And her boyfriend's name is Paul
Grandma's got a boyfriend
I really like you, Paul
Grandma's got a boyfriend
Grandma's got a boyfriend
I really like you, Paul
That was the song.
Whatever happened to Paul?
Well, Cordelia,
sometimes heaven
needs one extra special--
No, no, no. I know he died.
He was 88 in 1990.
I want to know when and how he croaked.
Okay, when he's 89,
he has a series of strokes.
Then he gets colon cancer, beats it.
Then my grandmother killed him with a gun
thinking he was an intruder,
and that's how he died.
Whoa. Sounds like old Paul
had quite a life.
He certainly did.
He's no Marlon Jackson, but...
Hey! What are you reading?
Have you ever spied on your parents?
Well, a boy named Sascha does
in the book I read this week
called Sascha's Dad Does Drag.
One night, Sascha's lying in bed
when he hears...
Clonk, clonk, clonk...
He sneaks downstairs
to see what the noise was.
Is it a woodpecker?
Is it a hammer?
It's his dad,
in size-11 platform heels,
bad padding, fishnets,
and a cheap Supremes wig.
His mom says, "Good luck, honey,"
and his dad walked out the door.
But Sascha, quiet as a mouse,
snuck into the back seat
and hid under a blanket.
Then they drove and drove and drove.
Then they got to the Duplex,
and Sascha saw a sign that said,
"Amateur Drag Night."
Sascha knew that the Duplex
meant one thing:
his dad better have the realness.
But his dad did not.
Sascha leaned against the bar
next to some vicious queens.
His dad went into a low-rent version
of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love,"
and the queens pounced.
"She should take her 1997 worn-out drag
to the Museum of Natural History
because that is a dinosaur."
And even though Sascha was embarrassed,
he couldn't deny
they were right to throw shade.
Sascha went outside to see his dad
dragging a roller suitcase.
"Dad, I didn't know you did drag,"
Sascha says.
"Because you don't.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it
because, like a chubby queen in a corset,
the truth always has a way
of spilling out."
The rest of the book is them
updating his tired act.
And even though his dad doesn't win
the Astoria Glamour Drag Ball,
it's still pages of fun.
My one critique is that it focuses
too much on the New York drag scene
and not the West Coast
and Southern houses.
If you want to read a book
that I give five out of five pencils,
pick up Sascha's Dad Does Drag
and the Act Needs Work
at your local library.
First off, I want to thank all of you
for helping us with this focus group
for Sony Animation's new movie,
It's the sequel to Bamboo,
which came out in 2009
before any of you were born.
Now, you've just seen
the first and final cut of the film.
It's 84 minutes long.
We'd love to get any reactions you have.
First thoughts,
there are no wrong answers. Yes?
Um, the reason I like this movie...
is because it's my favorite movie
of all time.
Interesting. Now, you said
the same thing last weekend
at the focus group for
- President Minions.
President Minions
was my favorite movie,
but that movie is nothing to me now.
That is the past.
I am a new woman.
- You're all about Bamboo 2 now?
- Yeah.
Bamboozled is my identity now.
It's my Halloween costume,
my birthday theme, my thermos.
It will be my favorite--
- Hold on. I'm writing this down.
- Good.
It will be my favorite movie forever.
Strong words.
Raise your hands if this movie that
you just saw, Bamboo 2: Bamboozled,
is your favorite movie of all time.
Okay, that's unanimous.
And who among you
thinks you might run home
and tell the entire plot of the movie
to the first adult they see?
In the movie, the koala, Kimmy, has--
Yeah, I produced it, I know. But yeah.
Kimmy the Koala has to go
find her mojo,
so she goes to the jungle,
and then they fall in the mud,
- and at the end there's a song.
- Yeah.
One part I forgot
was when the kangaroo falls on his butt.
Could we use that entire thing
as the log line to the movie?
You may.
All right.
Let's talk about
some of the characters. Sir?
Excuse me.
Um, the woman said I could leave at 5:00,
but I can leave at 5:30.
That's great feedback. Thank you.
Now, the studio spared no expense
getting some very big names
to voice the different, you know,
animals or whatever.
Who knows who did the voice
of Benji the Cockatiel?
Mark Ruffalo!
That's right! Mark Ruffalo!
From You Can Count On Me.
HBO's The Normal Heart.
Would you raise your hands
if knowing that Mark Ruffalo
is doing the voice of the cockatiel
enhanced your experience of the movie?
That is unanimous. Okay.
And who do we think did the voice
of Kiki the Boa Constrictor?
Elizabeth Banks.
At first I was like,
"Who is this? Is it Anna Kendrick?
Is it Elizabeth Banks?"
And it was.
Wasn't Anna Kendrick Dottie the Dodo?
Very good. It was Anna Kendrick.
But who knows who did the voice of her
husband and/or brother, Danny the Dodo?
It was definitely someone,
and, frankly, it was driving me crazy.
Okay, raise your hands if you could tell
that the voice of Danny the Dodo
was someone,
but you couldn't quite place him.
It was Jeremy Renner.
Oh, yeah. Finally.
Now, the wise old wombat--
- Mandy Patinkin!
- Yes!
Mandy Patinkin. How early did you know?
As soon as he exhaled through his nose,
I turned to the man next to me and said,
"That's our Mandy!"
You were sitting next to a man
you didn't know?
When I came back from the bathroom,
I sat next to the wrong dad.
How many times did you
go to the bathroom?
- Five. Four productive.
- Hm.
- One thing!
- Yes.
My name's Isabella.
This is my favorite movie.
I went to the bathroom nine times.
I just want to tell you about what happens
in this one scene of the movie.
I produced it, so I know. But yeah.
All the lady emus are at the water,
and then the song comes in.
Ah, the song, "Today Is the Day"
by Ed Sheeran,
written for this movie,
but not in context.
The song comes on and they, like...
And then they go...
Yeah. Yep.
The scene where they dance around,
They do dance around. Okay.
Thank you so much for that.
Now, when they're down at the river,
Arnold the Wombat--
Dax Shepard!
Absolutely is Dax Shepard.
...says something is "fake news."
Now, did any of you get that joke?
No? Okay.
Did anyone's parents laugh at that joke?
Yeah. A light laugh?
An acknowledgment.
That's all it deserves.
I can't thank you enough for this.
You've given us your feedback,
but more importantly,
you've given us your time.
Now, no one goes home empty-handed,
so as you're leaving,
some woman is gonna give you
a backpack shaped like a koala
that's fairly useless,
and it is filled with tubes of yogurt.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Uh, could you tell us,
what's one of your biggest fears?
I have a fear of playing soccer.
My biggest fear...
is being too scared to take risks.
...of needles and pigeons.
Do you find the world
is a scary place or a not scary place?
Scary place.
You think--
Like, everyday life is scary?
Home invasions.
I don't want anyone in my home.
One of my biggest fears
is, like, tarantulas
and spiders and bugs in general.
But another one is, like,
if I get under a 90 % on a test,
my mom gets really mad.
And when my mom gets mad,
um, I'm toast.
Are you afraid of a lone pigeon?
I don't know what that means.
Sorry. If you saw
one single pigeon, not a flock.
Probably not.
If there were, like, three or more
then I would probably be afraid.
When three or more pigeons
are gathered.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Are there any fears
that are your mom's fears
that you feel like you've gotten from her?
Yeah, definitely home invasions.
Can you guess what we're looking at
before we zoom out?
You see it every day.
Keep guessing.
It's the October '95 issue
of People magazine
featuring Larry Hagman's death scare.
But why do I need an algebra tutor?
Because you're not good at it.
Now, I talked to the parents
at your school, the rich parents.
They say this tutor is a miracle worker.
Those were their words. A miracle worker.
There he is.
You listen.
Hello, you must be--
Call me "the Tutor."
My valise.
My textbooks, a few toiletries
and incidentals.
So, which one of you
is the 12-year-old boy, Jonah?
Him or you?
He is.
This is your math exam.
This guy is great.
Who cares if I'm bad at algebra?
I'm never gonna need it in real life.
What you know about real life
could fit into a thimble on the thumb
of tiny Jiminy Cricket.
I used to be like you.
Didn't care for school.
Didn't care for math.
Loved Creole cooking and Chopin.
Just like you.
I thought,
"When will I ever need algebra?"
- You know what, Jonah?
- What?
If I had known algebra,
I would not have lost my eye.
I'll sing a song about karmic wrath.
How I lost my eye
because I didn't know math!
Please welcome some of my pupils.
By age 13 I was weary of school
Thought doing your homework
Was the work of a fool
Dropped out in a flash
And abracadabra
No more reading
No more...
There's a high-rolling world
That he wanted to join
Full of passion, fashion
Cash and coin
If you have pocket change
Shake, shake, shake
I have coins up on the dresser!
My principal was a hundred and four
Folks said she was a witch
Hair down to the floor
She cackled through a cigarette
And said to me
"Not knowing algebra
will change the way
that you see!"
I got the change!
Too late!
You're starting to see how algebra
Will save your eye
Not really.
It's as clear as the sky
No need to clarify
No, no, no
If you still don't see how algebra
Will save your eye
You keep saying that.
Just keep listenin'
And I'll tell you why
Whoa, whoa
Hey there, Tutor.
Yes, that's me.
What's it like with only one eye to see?
With only one eye, I can never look twice.
But when you buy a pair of shades,
they're always half-price!
Dad, did you rehearse this?
I was out in the world
My school days over
Working for a wealthy woman
As her chauffeur
Her husband always traveled
And she craved relations
She didn't care
That I didn't know equations
Till the day the husband came
Looking for his wife
With a jealous heart
And an eye-poking knife
Madam thought fast
Said "Pretend you were
Over in the house as a math tutor"
Husband comes in
Said, "I hear you know math"
I'm as naked as a baby in a bath
He wrote a problem and I got scared
"If B is three
What is AX squared?"
I took a pencil from the man
And I did my best
I drew a stick figure
Of a lady with breasts
He was not amused
Threw me 'gainst the wall
And pointed his knife at my eyeball!
But then the phone rang
That was next to the bed
The husband picked it up
And found that Princess Di was dead
And in the commotion
Of the emotion
I escaped
Both eyes intact
A ta, a ta
A twelve, five, nine
So now you see that algebra
Will save your eye
My story makes sense
- On that you can rely
- No, no, no
You're not confused how algebra
Relates to my eye
I solved for X
- Solved for X
- And now you'd better
Solve for Y
Algebra song!
- Any questions?
- Yes.
How did you lose your eye?
A couple years ago,
I poked it out with my umbrella
while doing the song.
The umbrella.
I don't have any fears.
I believe fear, like any prejudice,
or bias, or predisposition,
is taught,
and therefore learned.
It's the way we control one another
in this world,
in this American society.
I know that fear is false, an illusion.
Hey, kids, who's blue, furry,
and seven feet tall?
Go, Googy, go, Googy, go!
Googy went to the park yesterday
and he had a pretty Googy time.
Let's take a look.
Hi, Googy! Run far!
No, Googy! Run further!
Hey, Googy! Run near!
No, Googy! Faster!
Now run around and around!
Googy, Googy is his name!
Googy goes wherever we say!
Go, Googy, go!
Go, Googy, go!
Catch you later, Googy.
And thank you.
Up next, we're gonna meet a spinster--
- Oh, whoa!
- What was that picture?
Did you tell 'em about Ronnie?
Uh, okay, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry that no one told you
that Ronnie DiMaria,
the guy who played Googy,
died yesterday.
Wait, what?
Oh, did you not know there was a guy
in the Googy costume?
Yeah, that bald male actor
with the mustache, he was Googy.
So every time you hugged Googy,
you were actually hugging Ronnie DiMaria.
But you're not anymore
because Ronnie DiMaria died yesterday.
I think I once saw that guy
coming out of the bathroom.
Yeah, that would have been Ronnie.
But you know what?
He died doing what he loved.
Dressing up in the Googy costume,
and running around to make people laugh.
He died during the shoot?
Those are supposed to be funny?
They're supposed to be fun.
They're, like, energy.
I dunno.
They help with transitions in the show.
And, no, Oriah,
he didn't die during the shoot.
He died well after he wrapped,
when he was already in his car.
Because he was running around
in the costume?
No, the costume had nothing to do with it
'cause he died so long
after he wrapped shooting.
Right, Tyler? You were there.
My call time was at 3:00,
and he was dead at 3:00.
Look, listen.
Ronnie had an enlarged heart.
And isn't that kinda fitting?
That he died 'cause his heart was too big?
You knew about his medical condition?
Well, I seem to recall a group of kids
yelling, "Run, Googy, run."
Oh, yes. Shoe's on the other foot.
That's a big lie!
Those are recorded out of context.
Look, I don't wanna talk
about his death anymore.
I wanna watch clips of him
when he was alive, making us laugh.
I'm still surprised those were
supposed to be funny.
They're funny in Europe. Roll tape.
Go, Googy! Work out!
Go, Googy! Sauna!
Don't be alone, Googy! Make a friend!
Googy, meet Binky! Friendship!
- Oh, no.
- Not Binky.
Don't worry, kids.
Denny Greenberg,
the actor who played Binky--
Binky is an actor in a costume--
is not dead.
He is...
Did he have known mental health issues?
Did he have no mental health issues?
- He's a deranged adult running around--
- I said,
- "Did he have known mental health issues?"
- Oh, I misheard you.
Yes, Denny Greenberg had schizophrenia,
which many people have.
Anyway, he will come home,
Binky will, and he will be alive,
not dead.
Then why do you have a photo for him
like he was dead?
Oh, I have "in memoriam" photos
for everyone in the cast.
Does anyone want to see theirs?
No? All right, I'll show you mine.
Can we see mine?
Oh, no. No, that's Suri's.
I'm very sorry, Suri.
All right, there I am. See? That's nice.
That's me doing stand-up,
and it says 1982 to who knows when.
Hopefully, a very long time.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Um, I'm scared of clowns.
I am also afraid of clowns.
"Oh, no, I'm too scared
to leave the house.
A clown might get me."
And they were like, "You know what?
We're gonna take her to therapy."
Around October 2016, around that,
a lot of clown sightings were happening.
There were clown scares where, like,
people were just, like,
threatening other people in clown suits.
You sit on a couch,
then the therapist is sitting on a chair,
and they pull up
these random pictures of clowns.
I was, like, really cautious
from that point on,
from, like, being aware of my surroundings
and everything like that.
And, like, one week,
the clown was, like,
really scary, and I almost died.
But I didn't die.
So, that Halloween came,
and I saw a clown on the street
in an apartment building, like,
ringing the doorbell,
and I was like, "Oh, no,
I'm going across the street."
So, I cross the street,
and I avoided contact. So, yeah.
Have you ever thought
of dressing as a clown
- and facing yourself in the mirror?
- Actually, the therapist made me do that.
She made me put on a costume.
And then she was like,
"Okay, let's put on makeup."
I'm like, "No, I'm good."
So, then I left... in the costume!
You said during the time
of the clown sightings...
- Yes.
- was something people talked about.
It was something people talked about.
- In October of 2016.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you like this therapist?
I mean, she was just trying to help me
get over my fears, you know?
- That's one way to look at it, yes.
- Yeah.
Transfer is available
to the M15 select bus service.
Hey, Sack Lunch Bunch.
- Hey, John.
- What's up, John?
I thought you had therapy.
No, apparently my therapist
is out of town for the month.
So, I get to eat lunch with you.
And lunch is the best part of the day
Not for everyone.
Some people find meal time
quite difficult, Mulaney!
What got into you?
Oh, do you have one of those allergies?
'Cause this is chock-full of peanuts.
I'm sorry, I flew off the handle there.
- It's all right.
- It's just, I only like one food.
And I think it's gonna make
my life so hard.
Is there another set?
Am I paying for this?
I hate to make a scene at a restaurant
But there's only one meal
That I ever want
Just noodles with butter
And not too much
And they have to be the tube kind
Or I won't touch
We were once on a cruise
And the waiters got to know me
Before my family ordered
They would bring me macaroni
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
But life ain't a cruise ship
It's a boat without a rudder
Yeah, a plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
It's the only thing I'll eat
I've tried steak and chicken
And lots of different fishes
But I just want my noodles
Even though they're not nutritious
They say be myself
And live the life I want
Except when I want noodles
At a fancy restaurant
I know that I'm not normal
I feel alone and lonely
I'm the only living boy
Who just wants macaroni
I just want macaroni
Just a plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
'Cause I've tried every food
And I haven't liked another
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
Is the only thing I'll eat
And on my wedding day
While my bride is eating lobster
Will I still be saying
"Can I please just have some pasta?"
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
I've tried every food
And I haven't liked another
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
It's the only thing I'll eat
Just a plain plate of noodles
A plain plate of noodles
A plain plate of noodles
A plain plate of noodles
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
A plain plate of noodles
With a little bit of butter
'Cause I've tried every food
He's tried every food
Lord, I've tried every food
He's tried every food
And I haven't liked
It's the only thing I'll eat
My biggest fear is escalators.
I don't like the way they move
up and down so quickly,
and that you're supposed to know
when to jump on.
Another one of my biggest fears
is sitting on a toilet
and having the water automatically flush,
I don't like that.
And nuclear disaster. Chernobyl.
What was your first acting job
when you were a kid?
I do recall...
many, many, many commercials
involving Minute Maid concentrate.
My favorite is...
The women of Robotech
Living a life of adventure
Uh, which I'm assuming
was for a robot-style Barbie doll.
Shall we play?
I haven't even started telling you
about the basics or everything,
but why not?
Do you think a dog knows it's in a movie?
Dogs are smart animals.
Not the smartest, but definitely smart.
You're playing mind games with me.
Filling my head with incorrect data,
aren't you?
So that I make a mistake.
Yeah, and then you lose.
And the time goes...
And then I win.
You know the moon landing...
it never happened.
It was faked.
What moon landing?
There were many.
Oh, I meant the famous one.
Apollo 11.
It was fake?
Staged, yes.
I haven't had a dream in over...
seven months.
I haven't had a dream in, like...
since yesterday.
When you talk about rooks or knights,
a.k.a. a horse, this is a knight.
Even though it looks like a horse,
but it's a knight.
I would've named it "the horse."
Me too. But, you know...
I call Friday "Ty-day."
Because your name is Tyler.
I call this thousand-year period
"the Mulaney-um."
I think that's just as clever as "Ty-day."
What do you do to relax,
to unwind at the end of the day?
Get in the car.
I just drive.
Nowhere in particular?
Wherever the sun takes me.
Seems like everything in life
works out for you.
Okay, kind of.
In retrospect, it kinda does.
Do you feel you're old enough
for retrospect?
- No, not really.
- Yeah.
I don't even know what it means,
I just brought up a fancy word.
I watch a lot of stand-up comedy.
Oh, really? Uh...
What's your favorite comedy special?
So, Tyler, what's your biggest fear?
Well, I don't want to bring the room down,
but I guess I'd say...
dying in my sleep.
I wanna play restaurant
Would you like to play restaurant?
Oh, won't you play restaurant
With me?
I've never played restaurant
Oh, please play restaurant
Okay, I'll play restaurant
With you
Hi, may I eat dinner at your restaurant?
I'm sorry,
we are closed for a private event.
- Oh, but the woman said--
- We are closed for a private event.
It says on our website to always call,
as we do close for larger parties.
- Uh, could I order, like, an entree--
- Sir, we are closed.
Okay, sorry.
Uh, we will call ahead the next time.
Okay, Girl Talk,
I'm here for you.
I'm an open book, so ask me anything.
Girl Talk, go ahead.
Actually, who did you play
in A Bug's Life?
- In A Bug's Life?
- Yeah.
Oh, I was...
I was Molt,
but you won't remember the name.
But I was--
Remember the angry grasshopper?
- Yeah!
- I was his brother.
Girl Talk, what's your favorite movie?
If I ever have to say a movie
not a lot of people know,
and they say, "Okay, what is
your favorite movie I don't know?"
And I encourage you to watch this movie.
It's called Witness for the Prosecution.
I know!
What a weird name!
Witness for the Prosecution.
You've been in tons of movies
and had tons of roles.
- Yes.
- And us three, we're actors.
Do you have any advice for us?
Yes, Girl Talk, I do.
You ever done a play?
Can I tell you something, Girl Talk?
That's one of my favorite things
about doing a play,
is that you become a community
and you see each other every night,
yeah, and you say,
"I'm going to remember you forever.
You'll be my best friends forever."
And you know what, Girl Talk?
Six months later, you forget them.
Isn't that terrible?
You'll forget them, and you'll go meet
another group, another cast--
I don't.
- You don't forget them?
- No.
You've been in one play!
I've had a few roles, and I love them all.
- You don't have a favorite?
- No.
Do you have a favorite?
Well, I've only done one.
- So, that is your favorite.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure about that?
- Yes.
- Girl Talk, you're positive?
- Yeah, Girl Talk.
Okay, fine.
It's a hard knock life
- For me!
- For us!
It's... Go ahead, you...
Could you tell us, uh,
your biggest fears?
Heights, spiders, snakes.
Do you want something emotional
as a biggest fear?
Do you have something emotional?
I think I'm a smart person,
and I hate when I show how not smart I am.
I start talking
and in the middle of it all,
you realize you're an amateur,
you're-- you're being dumb.
It's a huge fear of mine,
just realizing how dumb I am,
and knowing that they're realizing
how dumb I am.
Do you have
larger existential fears?
A ladder scares the pants off me.
Born June 23rd,
this celebrity has made
a difference worldwide.
Did you guess
the Welsh pop singer woman, Duffy?
You're correct.
Everybody, shh. Thank you all for coming.
What a great party to celebrate
our architect.
You know, this remodel cost us
an arm and a leg,
and then another arm and a leg.
What's that, honey?
Oh, Lexi has a little play
that she'd like to perform
that she put together for all of us.
Let's hope it's better than her dad's
Super Bowl picks, otherwise...
- Okay, and it's called...?
- It doesn't have a name.
Okay, Lexi's thing. All right, here we go.
- Here's Lexi.
- Here's Johnny!
Um, so, first is that...
Who wants to pick a card?
Excuse me.
The first part of this is...
Excuse me.
You aren't listening.
No one is paying attention!
You promised that you'd stop talking
When will the chattering end?
You know I practiced for hours
I even brought in a friend
Well, I recall an announcement
That Lexi's mother just gave
She said, "Our little Lexi's
Prepared us a skit
The kind you're going to crave"
No one is paying attention
That guy just went to the fridge
We don't do this for the money
We don't accept every gig
Well, guess what things
You are missing
What we had planned for this crowd
Four minutes of total perfection
But that bald guy talked too loud
I'd wear my mom's blazer
So I could play a newscaster
The news is that
There is a new funny song
You'd all burst into cheers
And laughter
We'd stuff pillows in shirts
To look fat
We'd take a blanket
And wrap up the cat
The cat would be our baby too
Are we some kind of joke
To you?
And then...
We'd both act out all of Frozen
Then I would do a cartwheel
And then when she's done a cartwheel
I will also do a cartwheel
But you don't value our vision
You keep talking while we lip-synch
And Mom whose side is it you're on?
Shushing all your friends with a wink
You have to pay attention
This is a very big deal
We even fought about who sang what
But now our friendship is healed
You are not paying attention
So watch us run off in tears
You will regret
The skit you missed out on
You will regret it for years
Mom's friend, Patti!
Pay attention!
Her adult son!
Pay attention!
Some guy's wife!
Pay attention!
Man with mustache!
We respect you!
Ronald Reagan!
Pay attention!
Oh, wait. He died.
Never mind!
Pay attention!
Pay attention!
Pay attention!
I actually watched the trailer of Us
while I was watching a YouTube show.
I just couldn't go to bed
because that trailer
was stuck in my mind.
And now I'm just, like,
watching out for my, like, evil twin.
My biggest fear
is doppelgngers killing me.
And, Linder, where did you
develop that fear?
When I saw the movie Us.
- Then the Us trailer popped up...
- Yeah..
- ...out of nowhere?
- Out of nowhere.
You did not ask
for Jordan Peele's Us?
Not at all.
If you didn't know about
Bloody Mary,
and you didn't know about Momo,
and you hadn't seen Babadook,
and you had not seen Us by Jordan Peele,
would you have any fears?
Get Out.
I like the movie Get Out.
That's because it's also made
by Jordan Peele,
and falls in the floor, which is scary,
and, like, tries to take the eyes
and stuff, and it's really weird.
It's also really good.
You can do science in your own home, okay?
Today, we're growing sweet potatoes
in an egg carton cup
using dirt and these sticks.
Let's add the three-quarter cup of water
that it says.
All right.
Evenly disperse.
Then, without moving the sticks,
lift your egg cup tray...
Which-- Oh, this is-- Okay.
I don't--
How married are we to doing this?
- I don't care.
- I don't want to.
No, thanks.
Um, Mom, can I get my water bottle?
Did you hear what he said?
That's funny. You hear
what he said? He called me "Mom."
That means you talk to your mom.
He called Ms. Mulaney "Mom."
No, you said--
You called me "Ms. Mulaney."
Instead of "Mr."
We call you "Ms. Mulaney"
when you're in one of your moods.
Oh, what did Richard Kind call him
the other day?
- "Madam Secretary."
- Oh.
And when did Richard say that?
On the group text.
Oh, are you not...?
No, I'm not on the group text.
I thought he was the 323 number.
That's Bo Burnham.
I never added him.
Zell, what's wrong?
I was just wondering...
It sounds silly, but...
do they?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
I can't picture them
Petal nor stem
Underneath the bright moonlight
I keep meaning to check
But I always forget
To ask if flowers exist at night
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist
At night?
Do flowers exist at night?
At night in the park
Do they bloom in the dark?
Or do they hide until sunrise?
It shouldn't be hard
One night to creep in the yard
And catch those night flowers
By surprise
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at night?
Do flowers exist at
Do flowers exist at
Do flowers exist at
Do you have any nightmares, Jonah,
that you remember?
It was about a witch.
She came to the house and, like,
she made all the electric go away.
She made it dark forever.
And then, eventually, Tinkerbell came,
and she turned on all the lights.
Do you feel like
there's a Tinkerbell in your real life
who makes lights come on
when things are scary?
No, I think it was just in my nightmare.
My bed has to be
towards some kind of wall.
So, like, if the wall's right here,
and I'm sleeping here,
I have to turn out this way
so I can see the whole room.
Because if I'm turning the other way,
like, a demon will get you.
Is that lore,
or just you decided that?
What's "lore"?
How long have you been afraid
of dying in your sleep?
Probably about, like, one year.
'Cause then one day I just thought of it.
Like, someone could rob your house,
grab a knife, and then they--
I was like, "Oh my God.
What if this happens to me?"
This would just be so terrifying.
But if you had a nightmare,
what would you do?
There is a little doll that I have
named Little Witchy.
She's been with me all my life.
It's a little witch that's,
like, this big.
And I lay on my bed,
and I hold her all the time.
It makes me feel happy
because I have comfort.
And at this moment,
we have matching pajamas
that I wear not every night,
because I got to wash my clothes,
but I mostly wear them a lot
to match with her, yeah.
When I was a little kid,
I would have nightmares where, like...
they would, like, say my name,
and then I would just get freaked out.
Do you mind me asking who's "they"?
I don't know, just like...
random people.
What is it about hearing your name
that seems... scary?
It's just, like...
I didn't know that bad dreams
could know your name.
Like, stuff like that.
Welcome to Papier Mach Time.
This is the hundredth episode.
we're gonna make something that,
well, to be honest,
is kind of upsetting to me.
It's a volcano.
Yeah, it's a volcano.
And when I--
You kids don't know this,
but when I was young,
volcanoes made me really nervous.
Where did you grow up?
I grew up in Baltimore,
and there's no volcanoes in Baltimore,
but, somehow,
I got it in my head
that there could be an eruption.
This is taking too long.
Let's pour the vinegar in.
I'm nervous!
Everything's going to be fine,
David Byrne.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
That is pretty cool.
I told you.
And you didn't believe me.
And I'll never forget it.
Oh, okay, I'm totally ashamed.
It's okay. I forgive you.
Thank you.
This has been...
Papier-Mach Time, episode 101.
If you need more information,
go to a library.
Bye... Bye-- Bye-bye.
Try to put this list
of New York City mayors in order.
Uh-huh. That's correct.
It's funny, what you said about Hawaii,
do you know "mahalo,"
it means, like, many things,
- it means "hello" and "goodbye."
- I thought that was "aloha."
Guess who I saw on the subway today?
- Fran Lebowitz.
- Yes.
Oh, I didn't tell you
about this sighting.
Last June, I saw Paul Simon
and Martin Scorsese at Coney Island.
What were those two doing?
They were stacked
on each other's shoulders
under a trench coat,
trying to sneak on the Cyclone.
- Did it work?
- No, they got busted.
'Cause they made Paul the head,
and he can't talk.
So, inside the coat you just hear
this chattering on about Federico Fellini.
My top New York moment?
I'm eating a slice of pizza
at the Statue of Liberty.
I walk around the corner and who do I see?
All of the New York Yankees,
and they're all singing
"New York, New York."
Only in New York!
Hey, Alex,
what's your top New York moment?
Well, there is one New York moment
I'll never forget.
I saw a white lady
Standing on the street just sobbin'
And I think about it once a week
I think I saw her, too.
Oh, I doubt it was the same white lady.
You know, once you keep your eyes peeled,
you'll see crying white ladies
all over New York City.
Often in expensive workout gear
or hospital scrubs.
It was two
Years ago
Foot of snow
Passing through
Union Square
And I saw this crying white lady
Just kinda
Standin' there
Funny, what if instead
of getting on the subway
with my entire class for a field trip
to look at bugs,
I'd walked over?
I approach
She's demure
She thinks
"Who is this four-foot bachelor?"
So my hand I extend
And say, "I'm Alex J
And you look like you need a friend"
Why are you crying in a public place?
I don't know.
Perhaps a friend of yours
Was fake to your face?
Or did you just come from Trader Joe's
And you paid too much
For your avocados?
No Kleenex
In her purse
I've a handkerchief for her of course
"Alex J"
- Keep it, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Because you're just havin'
One of those days
Yes, I am.
I understand.
She takes my hand
We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain
I talk of Sherlock Gnomes
From beginning to end
Then suddenly I say
"What's that sound I hear?"
"Your lovely laugh, my dear"
You got problems
And I don't wanna delve
You're a grown-up
And I'm barely twelve
I know.
But spill your problems
I can help you with coping
Look me in the the eye
And the floodgates will open
They're phasing out my department
And I will lose my apartment
My mom is no support system
I like bad guys
Can't resist them
Forgot to DVR Drag Race
My friend Alisse
Fake to my face
Some fraud made them freeze my Amex
And then I ran into my ex
And some days this city and de Blasio
Just make me scream
Why not just stand here
And cry?
And also, this whole time,
I'm wearing my dad's fancy scarf
and my Heelys.
Her eyes glisten
I don't talk
I listen
Then the rain starts again
We scurry down the street
To another Au Bon Pain
She takes my handkerchief
From her purse
- She says...
- Alex J, I feel like I'm cursed
Lady, I know that the sky isn't clear
But it cannot rain
Every day of the year
You can't just be crying
In your own narrative
Because we tell ourselves stories
In order to live
She nods
Joan Didion
I take her hand
To Le Pain Quotidien
And we talk
About life and love
And Sherlock Gnomes
Until it's time to go home
Thank you.
That's what I think
Would happen
But it's all
And I will wonder till the end
What if I hadn't walked away
Would that crying lady
Be my friend?
Anyway, I remember all sorts of things.
Thanks for listening.
And wherever you are, lady,
have a good night.
Stand clear of the--
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
All right, Sack Lunch Bunch,
did you have fun today?
And did you all get meal?
And we had the songs,
and we talked about death a lot,
and Richard Kind came by, right?
And I got meal, too.
I had lunch.
I got the avocado toast thing I get.
I'm vamping a little
'cause we have a big finish guest and...
He's not here?
Is he in the car?
His voicemail is full?
Is it push or pull?
I am pulling!
- I am pulling! I am!
- Is he...?
It's me, Sack Lunch Bunch!
Mr. Music!
Hi, Mr. Music!
And I'm here to teach you
about music!
- I have a clarinet!
- No!
Put away your skinny trumpet!
Instruments are stupid!
Be-- Because...
Because there's music everywhere!
Oh, yeah, yeah!
So, follow me!
But also give me space, okay?
It's okay. I know him. I know him.
There is music here
Music there
Music, music everywhere
Use your ear, be aware
You're making music everywhere
When you tap a pen
On a paperback book
Not too loud but you get the point
Toss a dress shirt in a laundry sack
Subtle sound
Let me find something else
I have a clarinet.
How about my clarinet?
I don't need instruments!
Listen when I say what songs are about!
I'm making music! You're ignorant!
I'm making music!
'Cause there is music here
Music there
Music, music everywhere
Use your ears, be aware
You're making music everywhere
Even a cat can bat a tune
Do it.
Do it.
Or take a pudding cup
And put in a spoon
Then when you pull it out...
Then when you pull it out...
I did this last night. It made a sound.
What kind of sound did it make?
- Like a squishy sound like a butt!
- Maybe if you tap--
No! You talked over it!
It just made the noise!
Music is so loud you have to shout
Listen to the ruckus
When you swirl Bordeaux
Or just take the bottle
And let it blow
Okay, I just broke a bottle over here.
I don't know if you walk here,
but you should--
There are no big pieces that shattered.
There is music here
Music there
Music, music everywhere
Is Mr. Music okay?
No, Mr. Music's not okay.
He's having a lot of trouble.
I stayed up late
I should have prepped
And planted stuff that makes sounds
Leaky faucet goes drip, drip, drop
Who fixed this?
This new modern toilet
Makes quite a sound
It's louder than a gong
When you flush it down
Just... lower the boom.
No, just work with me
and just lower the boom
into the toilet bowl!
Now I have to wait
for it to be ready again.
I don't want the commode to overflow.
Okay, now it's safe to flush again.
Damn it!
I need my tap shoes!
Jump up on your Tempur-Pedic bed
And tap dance so loud
You'll wake the dead
Momma told you not to make a peep
Well clickety-clack
And wake her out of her sleep
I landed weird on my ankle
and it popped.
- Did you hear that?
- No.
It was like music
What time is it?
Am I supposed to do an hour?
No, no, who told you that?
I can do an hour.
Absolutely not.
Give me the clarinet
You mentioned before
I said I didn't need it
Give it to me please
You'll never believe
What a sound it makes
When I throw it out the window
And the window breaks
No! That's my clarinet!
It landed on a truck full of pillows
that was passing by only then.
Lord, you don't want me
to make music, do you?
Maybe grab that cat by its tail
Hey, no!
Swing it around and the cat will wail
Mother Mary!
There's glass here!
Who put glass here?!
I'm so stupid.
I stayed up late
trying on clothes I already own,
and I didn't prepare and I failed.
Dad, I think that even though most
of the things you did weren't audible,
you're just trying to teach us
that music can come from lots of things
that aren't instruments.
You see?
You understood what I was trying to say.
Music is more than just
the songs you hear or people singing.
Well, it's what you just--
You just said it better.
Hey, Mr. Music.
Mr. Music?
What you did was really funny,
watching you run around,
when you were back over there especially.
We want you to know
that we don't judge you.
We don't care.
You don't care?
No, right?
- No.
- Not really.
We don't care. Who cares?
Nobody cares.
Everybody sing!
Cast and crew!
Cast only.
Music here, music there
Music, music everywhere
Use your ears, be aware
You're making music everywhere
What a day
We learned so much
So many topics left to touch
So when you feel sad and scared
Look for music anywhere
Look for music anywhere
That's a picture wrap
on Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
No, no, I want this. I'm keeping this.
- Very cool.
- This is mine.
My biggest fear is...
losing my family or people I love.
And right up there, right alongside of it,
is losing my iPhone.
What is the most scared
you've been in New York City?
I've almost never been scared
in New York City.
What about in Los Angeles?
Every night in Los Angeles
I'm afraid of Charles Manson.
What is one of your biggest fears?
The Purge, but not the movie,
the theory.
So, do you mean it's the plot
of the movie The Purge--
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Gotcha.
Sometimes I, like, try not to fear,
because I believe
that God is always watching us,
but something that, like...
bothers me are, like, bugs.
Riptides are my biggest fear because...
they just-- they pull you under the water
and then suck you out into the ocean.
Fish, tacos, and fish tacos. Terrible.
- We've got a surprise for you.
- Can you bring in the clown?
- No! No...
- We would never--
We would never do that.
- We're not licensed therapists.
- Okay, good.
Do you ever get nervous
before you're acting?
I don't have stage fright.
I go on a stage and I say,
"Oh, thank you. Thank you, everybody.
Don't forget, um...
you gotta believe."
They brought us to our final callbacks
and then they said, "Okay, we want me."
And I don't even think
we signed contracts.
Uh, but still, we are doing the show.
You haven't signed a contract?
Do you have anything you wanna say
to 20-year-old Isabella?
Um, I would say
to always be kind, Isabella.
And get your Master's in dancing therapy,
because you are always gonna
help people who are in need.
Like, even though
if you're in a wheelchair,
have a special disease,
you are going to always help them
and spread joy to all those people.
My biggest fear is someone that I love
dying a violent death,
myself dying a violent death,
and snakes.
Can you very quickly describe
your ideal funeral?
Yes. I do want people to be very sad.
Like, I don't like when they say,
like, it's a celebration of life.
"He or she would have
wanted us to be happy." Like...
You know that I want you to be happy,
but I do want you to miss me.
A lot.
I would probably say just, like,
losing the people that I love,
because I'm, like, so close to a lot
of the people, like my friends and family,
and just to, like, not be able to see them
would just be, like, really sad.
Do you think about that
more than you'd like to?
Do you find a way
to give yourself comfort?
I give myself comfort about it
by, like, just realizing
that they're with me now,
that I always have to make the best of it,
because they're always
gonna be there for me.
Whether they are here or not,
they're always gonna, like,
be there inside my heart, you know?
Is there a way of dying
that you're not afraid of,
that you would prefer?
A way of dying I would enjoy...
You know...
This is for kids, right?
Little sister, gotta take her medicine
Baby brother gonna do it all again
Run fast but cannot catch the bus
Funny feeling, this is part of us
There is no one like you.
There has never been anyone like you.
There will never be
like you.
be yourself.
And you must take your medicine
Getting better every day
Good for a limited time
Feeling fine
We will return your things to you
When it's time for you to leave
So quiet
Nobody knows