John Pinette: Still Hungry (2011) Movie Script
1
John, we got to go.
I need five more minutes.
John, come on.
I've been doing the same stuff
for 25 years, and I have a process.
It's time. Enough with the process.
We have to go.
[Knock on door]
Oh, finally.
Get out of my way.
- Pizza.
- Thank you very much. Here.
- Keep the change.
- Oh, thanks.
Good man.
Ah. Good.
Get out of my way, Hoffman.
John,
why are you so nervous?
I'm not nervous.
I'm still hungry.
[Rock music plays]
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Pinette!
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, Chicago!
[Rock music,
cheers and applause continue]
Hi, everybody!
Have a seat!
Thank you.
Wow.
[Music stops]
Oh.
I'm I'm not under
enough pressure!
Now I better not suck!
You've been so kind.
It is a pleasure to be here.
Some of you are asking,
"I wonder how much of this show
will be about food."
[Laughter]
[Scattered cheers]
Quite a bit.
[Laughter]
If you're here for WikiLeaks jokes,
you got the wrong guy.
[Laughter]
I don't know.
You know, I've been actually
trying to lose weight,
'cause the shows on TV
have been scaring me.
They have shows
where they take big people
and they throw them in vans.
[Laughter]
And they put 'em in camps!
[Laughter]
Didn't that happen before in history?
[Laughter]
Have the Nazis come back?
We have nutrition Nazis.
[imitates German accent]
So, I see you have
a little Chicago hot dog
on your face.
Get in ze van!
[Laughter]
You are a porker!
[Normal voice]
Somebody in Chicago
sent me up a picture, undoctored,
of a Weight Watchers
next to a Cold Stone Creamery.
I love that picture
because it's everywhere I am in life.
With the ups and downs
of my dieting --
I mean, like, leaving Cold Stone
feeling guilty.
"Well, I guess it's time to go
back to Weight Watchers now."
[Laughter]
Or I'm leaving
Weight Watchers going,
"I can't take it anymore!"
[Laughter]
Weight Watchers
is a great organization,
but they won't let you
buy more points.
[Laughter]
I'm going on a cruise!
I am now part of a rogue
splinter organization
where you can buy
and sell points
in the secondary market
as needed.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
"I'm going to --
I'm going to Las Vegas.
Here is my credit card."
[Laughter]
But then you try --
you're dieting and you turn on the TV,
and there's all shows about food.
They have shows
about just one kind of food.
They have three shows on
about cake.
[Laughter]
They have a show
called "The Cake Boss."
This man is the boss of cake!
[Laughter]
You are the boss of cake?
I did not know you could
arbitrarily make yourself
the boss of a food.
I am now the boss of ham.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
[imitates southern accent]
My name is Boss Hogg.
Pleased to meet 'ya.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
I don't think
you can just make yourself boss.
I think there has to be
a decision made.
I think the commission
has to meet.
There has to be a sit-down.
[Laughter]
[As Don Corleone]
So, what I've decided...
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
[Cheers and applause]
Don Buddy will be in charge
of cake from West Hoboken...
[Laughter]
...To West Orange.
How did it ever come to this?
My son, Santino...
...covered in frosting.
[Laughter]
I don't want his mother
to see him like this.
Look what they did to my boy.
[Laughter]
I never wanted this for you,
Michael.
I knew Santino
would have to make cake,
and Fredo, well, he's a cream puff.
[Laughter]
But I always thought you would
go into other pastries,
maybe even pastas.
Who knows?
Different types of meats and fishes.
Eh.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
Now...
I watch cake shows once in a while.
I think if you're watching --
and this is me talking --
I think if you're watching cake
more than one or two hours a week,
you have to re-evaluate
your decisions in life.
I do think there's more to do
than watch cake.
[Laughter]
"John, what 'cha doin'?"
"I'm watching cake."
[Laughter]
"You were watching cake
the last time we came over there.
We're all gonna come over
and talk to you.
We've written you all letters,
and then you can do
whatever you want."
I had a cake intervention.
Now...
[Applause]
The thing is, is that these
shows don't change very much.
I like dynamic shows, you know?
I liked watching "Lost."
I didn't understand it, but I liked it.
I like --
I like "Family Guy,"
"Battlestar Galactica."
I have a really eclectic taste.
But "The Cake Boss" --
I haven't seen
next week's episode,
but I'm pretty sure
it's gonna be about cake.
[Laughter]
I'm gonna tell you what happens.
Somebody's gonna walk in
and need a cake.
[Laughter]
You're thinking,
"How does he know?
He's a Hollywood insider."
I figured it out!
After watching several episodes!
It's a template.
[Laughter]
And they'll come in and go,
"Buddy, it's my son's birthday.
I don't know what to do!
I need a cake!
He really likes
the movie 'Shrek.'
Can you do anything with that?"
Then they interview Buddy in a very
serious sit-down interview,
and Buddy screams at the TV.
"It was the kid's birthday!
[Laughter]
He really likes 'Shrek'!
And I'm thinking,
'I'll get him a 'Shrek' cake!
How does he think of this?
[Laughter]
It's like "CSI: Cake."
[Laughter]
Now he tells you how
he's gonna make this "Shrek" cake.
He'll take two regular
five-layer cakes,
carve them into, like, a Shrek,
then cover it all
in a lovely, green fondant!
[Laughter]
Watch this show.
You want to play a drinking game?
Whenever he says "fondant,"
take a drink.
[Cheers and applause]
[Laughs]
15 minutes in the show,
you will have to call
an ambulance.
[Laughter]
"Oh, please,
don't say 'fondant' again."
"Our fondant was ruined!"
[Laughter]
We get it.
He can stop saying "fondant."
It's like the sheetrock of frosting.
You build with it.
[Laughter]
I understand, though,
that bakery that they have
in Hoboken is amazing.
And there's a two-hour line
to get into that bakery.
I could not stand in that line.
'Cause people walk up to me
and feel that they can say
whatever they want.
And I don't want to hear it.
Standing in a cake line.
[Laughter]
"Excuse me, sir,
are you waiting in line for cake?
You have nothing better to do?"
"You're right."
[Laughter]
With my luck, my cardiologist
would drive by
while I was waiting in line
for cake and beep the horn.
[Laughter]
"Get out of the line!"
[Cheers and applause]
I ii
"I didn't know
they sold cake here.
I thought it was a pharmacy!
[Laughter]
I was gonna get my vitamins...
...and my cholesterol medication."
And you know what?
I ain't waiting in line outside for food.
I was in Birmingham, Alabama,
and they love
the Olive Garden there.
Now, the Olive Garden --
it's good.
Their main thing is, though,
you can have
all the salad you want.
Oh, you spoil me!
[Laughter]
They do use a lot of dressing
in the salad, though.
I've had lettuce, like, floating
in dressing like a dead body.
"Oh, God, they whacked the salad!
[Laughter]
It was a hit!"
And in Birmingham, Alabama,
people are waiting outside
to get into Olive Garden.
They think they're in Italy!
They love it there!
And the nice hostess goes,
"You know what?
It's gonna be about two hours.
Is that okay?"
"For lunch at the Olive Garden?
Absolutely!
I'll be outside.
You come and get me.
Make sure you look for me."
[Laughter]
I don't get that at all.
My sisters got me a panini maker.
I don't like paninis.
[Laughter]
Well, first of all,
my sisters -- very nice.
They got it for me for my birthday.
And I tell them,
"Don't buy me anything,"
'cause I don't want anything.
I -- You know what?
I want to give.
It's better to give than to receive,
and the gifts are stupid,
and I can't pretend anymore!
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
In---
I can't look at them and go,
"Oh, a panini maker!
How did you know?
I was having trouble
making sandwiches,
and you saved me."
[Laughter]
You want to make a panini?
Get a frying pan.
[Laughter]
Put the bread on there.
Put stuff in bread.
Wait five minutes.
Turn it over.
[Laughter]
Wait five minutes.
Then punch it with your fist.
Here's your panini.
[Cheers and applause]
'Cause the paninis,
they're so squished
you don't know what's in them.
And there could be vegetables
in there!
[Laughter]
I bit into a panini,
and I tasted arugula.
[Gags]
[Laughter]
Where did arugula come from?
We had no arugula
when I was growing up.
My mother never said,
"John, I want you
to go out in the garden
and pick some arugula."
"I'll be right back, Mom."
[Laughter]
Tomatoes, cucumbers, arugula?
No!
That's a pretentious,
horrifying vegetable
people serve just so
they'll look fancy and elegant.
It's The Emperofs New Clothes
of vegetables.
People don't want to speak up.
Spit it out at the table!
"What are you serving me?"
[Laughter]
"It's arugula.
It works with the rest of the salad."
"Yes, it does.
The bitter with the dirt taste...
[Laughter]
...makes me grateful
for the rest of the salad
that I would ordinarily hate."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I had a panini
with roasted eggplant in it.
Ugh.
[Laughter]
I know eggplant.
I think you know I know eggplant.
[Laughter]
There's two ways to make it.
Parmesan...
...that a member of the family
taught you how to make...
[Laughter]
[Gruff voice]
...or leave it alone.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Normal voice] I confront
people at the supermarket.
"I don't know. Excuse --
I've seen you have
that eggplant in your hand.
You got, like, your aunt Marie's
recipe or something?"
"No, I just -- I looked up
on the Internet,
and there was this little reci--"
"Put it down!
Get it out of your hand!"
[Laughter]
"Put it down!
Go get some arugula!
You've done enough damage!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Martha Stewart...
makes me laugh.
She gives you instructions
to make stuff.
I'm waiting for her to go,
one day...
[As Martha Stewart] "Today,
we're gonna build a pyramid...
[Laughter]
...based on the ancient pyramid
at Giza.
Okay"
[Normal voice]
She says things --
Doesn't she say, like,
start with the directions
where you go,
"Well, I ain't making this."
[Laughter]
Like, "Okay, break out
your chestnut-roasting pans."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
"Honey!
Where's
the chestnut-roasting pan?"
[Laughter]
I'm not much of a cook.
I will admit that.
You know, I eat out, and --
it's very hard to be --
You know, you eat more calories
when you eat out.
It's a proven fact.
And --
Well, I didn't even have a toaster.
I just bought a toaster recently.
Well, I had one,
but I toasted low-carb bread,
and it exploded.
[Laughter]
Um...
So I go to buy another toaster.
I didn't want any trouble.
I went to a nice store
and talked to this nice, young lady.
I saw a toaster for 49 dollars.
I said,
"I'll take this toaster."
It was a lovely toaster,
as toasters go.
[Laughter]
And she said to me,
"Could I have your name
and address?"
"Nil.-
[Laughter]
"You can have 49 dollars.
[Laughter]
And I will take this toaster,
and that's really
all I planned on today.
[Laughter]
What do you say?"
She goes, "We really do
want you in our system."
I"
But I'm not adopting
the toaster.
[Laughter]
Is this, like,
a foster toaster program?
I didn't see any signs.
[Laughter]
Once I walk out the door
with this toaster...
[Gruff voice]
...you're never gonna see it again."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
They want your e-mail.
They want your address.
Remember when you could buy shit
and walk out the door?
[Laughter]
I remember that.
[Cheers and applause]
I -- I tell my nieces
and nephews that.
They don't believe me.
"You know, you used to buy stuff
and walk out the door,
and they didn't ask
you any questions."
"Oh, Uncle John, you tell funny
stories to make people laugh."
"No!
You used to buy stuff and leave!
And that's all that happened."
[Laughter]
I tell my brothers and sisters,
"Back me up.
Tell them you used to buy stuff
and leave."
They go, "Oh, don't fill
their heads with nonsense."
[Laughter]
So I go to buy my 49-dollar toaster,
and it's easy for me to say
that I have lost
my cherub-like demeanor.
[Laughter]
She said to me,
"Would you like to buy
the warranty for the toaster?"
"No.
[Laughter]
It's 49 dollars.
I think I'm gonna
absorb the risk on this one."
[Laughter]
"If this toaster should break,
and God forbid
that day should come...
[Laughter]
...I'm gonna take
another 49 dollars out of my pocket
and buy another toaster,
'cause that's how I live!
Oh, yes, baby.
[Cheers and applause]
I'm not a gambler,
but I'm feeling lucky today."
[Cheers and applause]
I went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Very nice store,
but I go without a coupon
just to freak them out.
They don't understand,
'cause everybody has coupons.
A lot of you have them on you.
They're this big.
They look like
Willy Wonka's golden ticket.
[Laughter]
My sisters have stacks of them.
They have a holster
for Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[Laughter]
One time, I was with my sisters,
and they were at the other end
of the store.
And they saw me
at the cash register,
and they knew
I didn't have a coupon.
They jumped over people.
They trampled them.
You have one!
Come here!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm not lying.
[Cheers and applause continue]
[Laughing]
This lady thinks it's
"let's make a deal."
"I'll give 50 dollars
for a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon."
"I've got one, Monty!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
One time I went
to Bed Bath & Beyond,
and I didn't have a coupon.
People talked about me in line.
"He doesn't have a coupon."
"Is he all right?"
"You don't think he's dangerous,
do you?"
One lady felt sorry for me.
"You don't have a coupon?
Do you know how to get home?
[Laughter]
Is your name in your jacket?"
[Laughter]
"I have money.
Money is the original coupon.
It says, 'In God we Trust.'
Don't you trust God?"
I must say one thing
about Bed Bath & Beyond --
and I do shop there --
they are not fussy about the coupon.
They're not looking
for expiration dates.
It could be from Linens 'N Things,
and they've closed.
You could write "coupon"
on the back of a snickers wrapper,
and they will swipe it.
I can write "coupon"
on my ass and sli-i-de.
[Cheers and applause]
That is a double coupon.
I go to Bed Bath & Beyond
without a coupon,
and the cashier
gives me a coupon.
And this is how it went.
Now, life is precious,
and we've got to make
the most of it,
and I don't have time
for useless, ridiculous things.
And she said,
"You don't have a coupon?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Well, here's one."
[Laughter]
"Thank you.
Here."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Doesn't make any sense.
It's silly, isn't it?
Wait till I tell you what happened
when I bought the TV.
I needed a TV.
And buying a TV is always
such a joyous thing for me,
because when I was a kid,
we had five channels on our TV.
Two of them didn't work.
Yeah, you know people that say --
these people piss me off.
Don't ever say it in front of me.
And I have a cherub-like demeanor,
but this makes my eye twitch.
"We were poor
when we were kids,
and, you know, we didn't know it."
Heh.
Really?
'Cause I was poor,
and I was certain of it.
And it really bothered me.
[Laughter]
After the fourth night
of frank and beans,
I would say, "Hey!
We're poor!
[Laughter]
And when I get older,
I'm talking."
[Laughter]
So, to be able to go in
and buy a nice TV, just --
You know, I count so many things
as blessings
and just another wonderful thing
in my life,
and I had a great attitude.
Then I started talking
to the salespeople.
And they said, "Okay,
if you're going to buy this TV,
you need a surge protector."
Okay. I don't know what a surge is.
[Laughter]
But I call my brother-in-law.
"They said I need a surge protector.
What do I do?"
He said, "Buy a surge protector.
You need one.
They're about 200 dollars.
If you have
high-end electronic equipment,
it might save
your equipment one day
if there is a surge."
I hadn't asked the neighbors
about surges...
[Laughter]
...but I bought it.
There was one for 200 dollars.
They go, "No, no, no, no, no.
[Laughter]
You don't want this one.
I don't even know why it's out here."
Huh.
[Laughter]
Then they brought me over
to the 500-dollar one I didn't see.
"You want the 500-dollar
surge protector."
I said, "Pray tell.
What does
a 500-dollar surge protector do?"
Apparently, there can be a lightning
bolt from Mount Olympus
that hits my condo,
and I'll still be able to watch
"The Cake Boss."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
They said, "This surge protector
is so good,
your condo could blow up,
and the TV will still be on."
[Laughter]
If the condo blows up,
I don't give a shit about the TV!
I have other things on my mind,
like funeral arrangements!
[Laughter]
So I bought the 200-dollar one.
Now they don't like me.
I bought a 2,000-dollar TV
because I'm not home very much
and I want a nice TV.
And they said, "Okay,
you bought the 2,000-dollar TV.
What about sound?"
[Laughter]
I said,
"I would like it to have sound!
[Laughter]
Could I have sound please?"
[Laughter]
They show me one of those
2,000-dollar sound systems.
And it's very good.
My house sounds like
a movie theater.
But it's driving me insane!
Every time the phone rings
on the TV,
I get up to answer the phone.
Do you know how many times
phones ring?
Up and down 80 times
in three hours!
"Hold on."
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
This is not watching TV.
This is Pilates.
Rip it out!
Rip it out!
[Laughter]
Then they said...
Then they said, "Okay.
Would you like to buy
the extended warranty?"
[Growls]
[Laughter]
And they try to scare you.
They go, "You know...
[Laughter]
...you really should get
the extended warranty.
It's only manufacturer's
limited warranty,
and it's just for six months,
and if that expires --
Ah, geez,
we got to bring our guys in,
and we have to bring
our guys in for at least a week.
Sometimes we have
between two and four guys.
We might have to send
the TV to Japan.
Could cost 80,000 dollars.
You could lose your home!"
[Laughter]
"If the TV costs 80,000 dollars to fix,
I would throw it away...
[Laughter]
...and save 78,000 dollars."
[Gruff voice]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Applause]
[Normal voice] Oh, I told you
they didn't like me.
And then the guy said,
"I just really think --
I mean, it's just --
This is just kind of --
Like everyone does.
It's just -- sign here."
I said, "No!
What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He said,
"Well, in case the TV breaks."
"if the TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it."
His eyes went dead.
Nobody had ever said
that to him before.
Nobody ever questions them.
We just sign on the dotted line,
and it's wrong,
and I was gonna stick up
for all of us!
[Cheers and applause]
I said, "The TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it."
He said, "Sir, this is one
of the best TVs in the store."
"Then what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
[Laughter]
"In case the TV breaks."
"if the TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it!"
"It's not gonna break,
you son-of-a-bitch!"
[Laughter]
"Hold your voice down!
Why do I need
an extended warranty?"
"In case the TV breaks!
Just buy a warranty!
You got the money.
I saw you on 'Last Comic Standing!"
"That wasn't me!
That was Ralphie May!
You --
[Cheers and applause]
You can't even keep
your big guys right!"
Now, what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He just said,
"Shut up and sign!"
I said, "Get your ass outside."
We went outside and we fought.
[Laughter]
It didn't take very long.
It was a tie.
My mixed martial-arts days
are over.
We felt very silly.
I took a step back.
I said a little prayer to myself.
"I'm a better person than this.
Why am I so mad?"
And I looked at him and I said,
"What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
[Laughter]
"In case the TV breaks!"
"if it's gonna break,
I'm not buying it!"
"It's not gonna break.
I swear to God, sir!
I've been here seven years.
[Voice breaking]
Not one has broken."
"Then what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
"In case the TV breaks!
Are you fat and stupid?"
That's when
I beat the hell out of him!
[Cheers and applause]
Now I drag him back in the store...
[Laughter]
...and I flip him over.
I step on his chest.
I said, "What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He said...
[Breathlessly]
"In case the TV breaks."
[Normal voice]
"Let me give you some air.
I want you to know,
although you may not live
through the day,
I admire your tenacity.
What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
"We get a 100-dollar bonus
if you buy it."
"Well, then, I'll take it.
Let me help you up."
[Cheers and applause]
I wish we had more lights.
[Laughter]
We could just put one in my ass
and put me on a front lawn
in a Santa suit.
[Laughter]
Next special,
we need 50 more lights, or I'm walkin'.
[Laughter]
The first show went very well,
and my producers and director
were like, "We got it.
You can play around
a little bit, you know?
Say some different things."
"You'll be sorry!
[Laughter]
I might Riverdance!"
"Oh, no.
We didn't clear Riverdance."
"Well, fuck you!"
[Cheers and applause]
Uh...
You know, I don't like
to be scripted as a stand-up.
I have certain bits,
but I like to kind of make it casual.
All right.
I'll get back
to the special now.
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
I went to a health
and fitness place...
[Laughing]
[Laughter and applause]
L-- no.
Last summer, I went
to a health and fitness place.
Yes.
And I had a stress test
and blood work.
And I go to this doctor there --
wonderful lady --
but my stress test
and my blood work are good,
and she's shocked.
[Laughter]
I mean, at least be a little happy.
Don't look, like, horrified,
that I don't have anything bad.
This is how she told me.
She...
[Laughter]
I guess she bet the over.
I don't know.
[Laughter]
"Is this you?
[Laughter]
These are good.
Your blood pressure
is 112 over 70.
We'll have that checked.
[Laughter]
It must be Celsius.
ls there Celsius on that?"
"No, there is not!"
[Laughter]
Can we have a little joy
and gratitude?
Being healthy.
The doctor
at this health and fitness place
told me one thing.
She looked at me very seriously,
and, you know,
I'm not getting any younger,
and I...
...and I was nervous for a minute,
and she said,
"Did you know
that you're allergic to wheat?"
[Laughter]
And I looked at her and said,
"But I'm a wheat farmer!"
[Laughter]
"I'm so sorry."
I'm allergic to wheat,
and I thought, "Oh, well.
I can't harvest wheat anymore."
[Laughter]
I'm hanging up my sickle.
'Cause don't friends call you
in the fall and go,
"We're harvesting this weekend.
You never miss?"
"I can't. I'm allergic!"
[Laughter]
Then I thought, "Wait a second.
You make flour out of wheat.
Perhaps I should inquire further."
[Laughter]
I said, "What does this whole wheat
thing mean to me, pray tell?"
She said, "Well, do you eat
a lot of gluten?"
[Laughter]
"I don't know what gluten is...
[Laughter]
...but I would say yes.
[Laughter]
I'm fairly certain
I'm mostly gluten."
[Laughter]
And she said, "Well, you should
avoid anything with gluten in it."
[Laughter]
I said, "Okay, thank you,"
and started to leave the room,
and I said,
"What has gluten in it?"
You know what has gluten in it?
Everything!
[Laughter]
Every reason
to wake up in the morning!
[Laughter and applause]
I'm looking at this thing
of things to avoid,
and I said, "Check again.
Maybe it's just cancer!
How am I gonna live?"
[Cheers and applause]
She...
She told me
to go try gluten-free products.
Now, I went
to a health-food store,
which was
a new experience for me.
And now I like shopping
at health-food stores.
And if you want to know
where the gluten-free stuff is,
look for a gentleman
with a gun in his mouth.
[Laughter]
'Cause bullets are gluten-free.
[Laughter and applause]
Have you tried gluten-free food?
It needs gluten.
[Laughter]
I don't know what gluten is,
but apparently, it's delicious!
[Laughter]
And you need to put
that back in there!
[Laughter]
I tried the gluten-free pasta,
and at this point, I'm thinking,
"I hope they make
a gluten substitute,
like a 'Sweet 'N Gluten'
or 'l Can't Believe It's Not Gluten."'
Now, I think we have people
here that know pasta.
Pasta, you boil --
[Cheers and applause]
You are my people.
Pasta, you boil --
boiling water,
10 minutes or less,
little olive oil, little salt.
Gluten-free pasta --
90 minutes!
[Laughter]
Enjoy.
Abbondanza!
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
[Cheers and applause]
And I tried the gluten-free bread,
and it made me long
for low-carb bread.
[Laughter]
I tried to toast it.
It broke the toaster.
[Laughter]
Should have bought the warranty.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
And it caused a surge!
[Laughter]
So, I shop now at these
health-food stores on the road,
and there's some healthy things
that I like.
Some people there
have boundary issues.
They walk up to me,
and one lady said to me,
"Do you like your beef
cruelty-free?"
"Oh, yeah.
[Laughter]
I would have it no other way.
Take that cow to Disney World...
[Laughter]
...put him on the rides,
get him Mickey ears,
a couple of pictures,
then whack him
on the way to the airport."
[Cheers and applause]
Didn't you like taking
your picture with Mickey?
Put it right in your hoof,
the picture -- you like the picture.
All right,
don't turn around, now.
[Laughter]
Vegetarians,
I completely understand.
You have health issues with it.
You have ethical issues.
Completely understand.
Some -- A vegetarian said to me,
"But I'm a vegan."
"Oh, what is that? What is that?"
[Laughter]
"Well, we don't eat meat
or dairy."
[Laughter]
"What do you do?"
I'll tell you what you do.
They lose their minds!
[Laughter]
Vegans go to the store,
and they buy 50-pound bags
of almonds,
and they make it into stuff
they wish they could eat.
They don't have a stove.
They have a Play-Doh Fun Factory.
[Laughter]
"What 'cha makin' there?"
"It's a pork roast."
"No, it's not!
It's almonds mushed together!
Have a cheeseburger!
You're losing your mind!"
[Laughter]
I went to a health-food store,
and it is not lost on me
that people on a limited income
cannot eat healthy,
and I hope we work
to change that in the future.
I've been --
Well, listen.
It's true.
[Cheers and applause]
I try to eat berries a lot,
'cause I really like them,
and they are part
of the superfood group.
I picked up berries
that were 15 dollars.
And I went, "Wow!
I want to taste
what a 15-dollar strawberry is.
These better be great strawberries.
I better not see any marks
or anything.
They better be ripe.
There should be Belgian
diamond merchants in the back
looking at these strawberries."
[Laughter]
[imitates Dutch accent]
"What do you think
of the strawberries, Artie?"
"This is a good strawberry.
[Laughter]
I'm not saying
it's a 15-dollar strawberry...
[Laughter]
...but it's a good strawberry."
[Normal voice]
A lady in the vitamin section,
a beautiful lady,
walks up to me and said,
"Do you clean your colon?"
[Laughter]
And I'm thinking,
"She's hitting on me."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause,
wolf whistles]
Whafd you have in mind, baby?
[Laughter]
I said, "No, I have
a colon-cleaning lady.
She comes in twice a week.
She's been with us for years.
She's like family.
We can't let Doris go."
[Laughter]
Someone asked me if I tried yoga
while living in L.A.
"Have you tried yoga?
You know, they have gentle yoga."
I tried gentle yoga.
You walk in and they go, "Take
your head and stick it in your ass."
[Laughter]
"I don't want to put my head
in my ass.
It's dark and scary in there.
And there's so much gluten in there.
What if I have an allergic reaction,
and it gets stuck?"
Try to find your EpiPen
with your head in your ass!
[Laughter]
They "
They go, "if you can't put
your head between your legs,
just do what you can."
Well, I took a nap,
'cause they gave me a mat.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I try to do this on the road,
though, these healthy things.
I was in Des Moines, Iowa.
I'm usually in places
between two and six days.
I'm in Des Moines, Iowa --
nice people,
I enjoyed the performances,
but there's not a lot to do
during the day.
I always make the most of it
on the road.
But the third day,
the owner of the club
says to me matter-of-factly,
"You know, there's
a rib festival in town.
About 1,000 rib booths
at the fairground.
Would you be interested
in something like that?"
[Laughter]
"Get in the car!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
So, we go
to the Iowa State Fairground,
and it's filled with ribs.
[Laughter]
Now...
I had my monogrammed rib bib
that I carry with me on the road.
[Laughter]
Well, thank God I packed it.
You should see me
in my monogrammed rib bib.
I'm adorable.
[Laughter]
I look like a Bob's Big Boy
come to life.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I have my bottle
of cholesterol medication
for the dry rub...
[Laughter]
...and I'm haPPV-
There was a long line,
but I didn't think that,
you know, my brain would starve,
because alls you could get were
a half a rack of ribs or a whole rack.
It's going to move.
No!
People watch "The Rib Boss"
or a rib show,
now everybody's an expert.
They're asking questions
to the rib guy.
"What kind of wood do you use
in your smoker?"
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line."
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice] "Is this
a vinegar-based barbecue sauce?"
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter and applause]
[Normal voice] "ls there
cayenne pepper in this dry rub?"
[Growls]
[Laughter]
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] Then I was
almost gonna get ribs.
I had a couple in front of me,
and then it was me.
I was home free.
I was gonna get my ribs
and have fun and be at a festival,
but the couple in front of me,
they were chatty.
They wanted friends
more than they wanted ribs.
They were very nice.
I couldn't yell.
You know,
I had to internalize it.
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line.
Get out of the line.
Get out of the line."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] See,
they were talking about the fact
that they were from Nebraska
and they had driven there
in their brand-new Winnebago.
Well, it's not brand new --
9,000 miles,
but it might as well
be brand new.
They bought it from the neighbor
across the street.
His wife had a stroke,
and they couldn't travel
as much as they had wanted to.
Now, Evelyn and George had lived
with them for over 23 years.
Their kids grew up together.
They went
to the same grammar school.
"We both sent them
to Catholic school.
Not that the schools
in the area aren't wonderful, they are.
And then they went on
to the Catholic high school.
They have a very good
football team,
and our sons played together.
Now, when Mary had the stroke,
we're at the hospital every day,
and I think they would have done
the same thing."
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I don't remember
what happened after that.
[Laughter]
I guess I got ribs.
[Laughter]
I woke up in the woods.
There were bones everywhere.
[Laughter]
I hope I didn't stalk
and kill a deer.
That would be awful.
[Laughter]
Last year,
I went on a tour of Canada,
and it was amazing.
Uh, I love Canada.
I will work there forever.
It is a lot of traveling,
and it is becoming harder
and harder to fly now.
First of all, the restrictions
are draconian at this point.
They won't even check you in.
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
They just stare.
They punch in the computer,
and then they say,
"Go check in over there.
There's a machine.
Check yourself in."
[Laughter]
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
[Laughter]
"Yeah, well, check in over there.
We don't check people in.
You check yourself in.
Do you have
your confirmation number?
Do you have
your confirmation number?"
[Laughter]
"I gave you money...
[Laughter]
...and you said
you would fly me to Las Vegas.
[Laughter]
We had a deal."
[Laughter]
"Oh, you have to --
"Sir, it will fell you
how to check yourself in."
"Okay, but l- | -l don--
I don't work here.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Do I have to de-ice the plane, too?
How much help do you need?
Let me load the luggage for you!"
[Laughter]
I had a bag that was a pound over.
It was 51 pounds.
I thought they were gonna call
the police.
"Take a pound out of the bag!
Take a pound out of the bag!"
[Laughter]
"A pound? What do you want?
To cut a pair of underwear in half!"
[Laughter]
Here's a sock!
Leave me alone!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Now they give you
the full-body scan some places.
[Laughter]
And I don't need that.
I believe you can do it
psychologically.
I believe if someone
has something in their ass,
you can just ask them...
[Laughter]
...and they won't be able to lie.
You'll know if they're lying
'cause you ask them
out of the blue.
"So, going to Las Vegas today.
I love Vegas.
God, where did I stay
the last time?
What shows did we see?
Is there something in your ass?"
[Laughter]
"A sock.
[Laughter]
They wouldn't let me pack it."
[Cheers and applause]
So, last year,
I flew all over Canada, and --
Actually, we drove a lot of it,
too, which I enjoyed.
We drove to Prince Edward Island.
If you want to know
where Prince Edward Island is,
it's at the end.
[Laughter]
Drive until you're done...
[Laughter]
...and you'll see a bridge.
Go over the bridge,
and you're right there.
And we had 1,000 people
on Sunday and Monday,
and it was so touching.
I'm thinking,
"This is, like, everybody."
[Laughter]
And they couldn't have been
nicer people.
It's not a big town.
There's like 12 stores
on the main drag.
It's a beautiful place to go
if you want to get away,
and quiet --
it's a beach community.
And there were 10
Anne of Green Gables gm shops.
[Laughter]
Anne of Green Gables
is the early 1900s.
It's a book
young ladies would read.
I guess it's a nice thing.
You read it growing up.
But 10 Anne of Green Gables
gift shops?
And half of them
are Anne of Green Gables gift shops
and half of them
are candy stores,
you know,
because you can't make money
just off of Anne of Green Gables.
The franchise isn't
as big as it used to be.
[Laughter]
So they have these older ladies
dressed from the early 1900s
in jumpers
like 12-year-old girls,
and they're all walking
towards you with candy samples,
and it gets creepy.
It's kind of like
the "Thriller" video, you know?
[Humming]
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
But I highly recommend it as a place
to go and meet nice people.
I was in Ottawa
and they asked me
if I ice-skated.
I said, "Oh, yes.
I am a skater.
I competed in my younger days.
I was short and sassy
before Dorothy Hamill."
[Laughter]
People skate there.
They skate all day.
They skate so long they have
snack stands on the ice.
And on these snack stands,
they sell these things
called beaver tails.
And they're giant fried dough,
and they cover it
in hot fudge and M&M's.
[Gruff voice]
And I wanted one.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice ] And...
...they make you skate to it!
[Laughter]
And I'm standing
at the edge of the ice
like the kid from "Up."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I waited three days.
They said,
"No, you have to skate. It's tradition."
I waited three days.
Three days.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
So I put skates on...
and they pushed me...
and I skated.
It was...
[Laughter]
And I didn't do one block around
or once around.
I went right
to the fried-dough stand.
[Laughter]
I didn't want to mess around.
And I was gonna make it
to the fried dough.
There was a family in the way.
[Laughter]
A mom and dad
and two little kids.
[Laughter]
They shouldn't have been
in the way of the fried dough.
[Laughter]
They turned around
and they saw me.
[Laughter]
You know what I saw in their eyes?
I saw hope.
[Laughter]
You know, like,
"Oh, he'll stop."
[Laughter]
I couldn't and I didn't.
And they went down
like a set of bowling pins.
[Laughter]
But I bought them all
fried dough
while the paramedics
looked them over.
[Laughter]
So, it worked out pretty good.
[Laughter]
Ice-skating is now on my list
of things in life
I never care if I do again.
[Laughter]
It's like an anti-bucket list.
It rhymes with "bucket,"
I can tell you that much.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Hiking.
[Laughter]
If I'm not ice-skating,
I'm hiking.
What do I think of hiking?
[Gruff voice]
I hate it! I hate it!
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
You hike down a mountain.
You hike down a ravine.
Horrible stories start with,
"Well, we were hiking..."
[Laughter]
"And you ended up in North Korea,
didn't you?
Why were you hiking?"
'Cause people do this in L.A.
all the time.
"Oh, we're sick of the city.
We're hiking."
"Do you know how to hike?"
"Well, no, but we have new boots."
[Laughter]
I'm tired of anybody
that gets new boots and a compass
thinking they're a hiker.
Happens every year, doesn't it?
Two people go out,
new boots, compass...
[Laughter]
...and they get lost!
Then they have to send
100 people out to find them.
Then 10 of those poor bastards
get lost.
They've got to send 1,000
poor bastards out to get them!
Pretty soon, 10,000 people
are looking for two assholes
with new boots...
...and a compass!
[Cheers and applause]
Right now, my director's going,
"Okay, well, we can beep that.
That's okay."
[Laughter]
Even the food that's for hiking.
Oh! They have those power --
it's not --
like protein bars.
Protein bars?
They're not good.
[Laughter]
And I'm chewing on them,
and my brain is going,
"Why are you eating this?"
[Laughter]
They have to make it honest.
They have to call it, like,
an "Eat This Or Die" bar.
[Laughter]
I went hiking once.
I would have killed
for a roasted-eggplant panini.
[Laughter]
I would have.
[Applause]
And they...
Oh, I got one of my crazy friends,
a health nut!
She goes,
"I made my own trail mix."
Trail mix.
It has "trail" in the name.
It tastes like trail!
I had this.
I was sure I bit into a twig.
I'll tell you what they do.
They put M&M's in there to fool you.
So, you're about to spit it out.
You go, "Oh, twig!
[Spits]
Oh, no, M&M.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
No, twig!
No, M&M.
No, that's a twig!
M&M. "
[Laughter]
I make my own trail mix now.
It's a one-pound bag of M&M's.
[Cheers and applause]
And everybody wants to try mine!
I went on a little vacation
to Saint Martin.
It's a beautiful island.
It's half French, half Dutch.
Magnificent beaches.
A running theme in my life is
the airlines losing my luggage.
Well, they managed to do it
once again.
Now, there aren't a lot of
Big & Talls in Saint Martin.
[Laughter]
So I bought an extra-large shirt
at the gift shop.
That worked out okay.
It went up to about here.
[Laughter]
And it was so hot.
I had jeans on,
and I couldn't take it anymore
after the second day.
I cut my jeans off...
...and I cut them too short.
[Laughter]
Sorry you have to be in
the front row for this, friends.
[Laughter]
Now I look like a hooker.
And I'm not talking about
a high-end escort.
I mean a ho!
[Laughter]
Like an HBO documentary.
"He walks the streets
of Saint Martin."
[Laughter]
There was a group
of Japanese tourists
that saw me.
I always fascinate
Japanese tourists.
They saw me.
They get out the cameras
right away.
[imitates Japanese accent]
"Looky, looky, looky, look!
[Laughter]
How come you dressed
like a hooker?
[Laughter]
Do you know
you can see your 'berry'?
[Laughter]
You can see his 'berry.'
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Here's 20 dollars.
[Laughter]
Let me rub your 'berry.'
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
Thank you.
I rub his 'berry'!"
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice]
Now...
They had this fun,
little water thing
I had long put
on my nay-nay list --
you know, water-skiing
and parasailing.
But they had this thing
called a banana boat.
It's a giant inflatable banana.
It's fun, but it's unstable,
like most of the people
in my life.
[Laughter]
And it's pulled by a motorboat.
Now, they had two bananas
going out at once.
Very popular ride.
So, I look like a hooker.
No use being on land.
[Laughter]
Now I go on the giant banana.
Now, I'm on a French beach,
and they're going crazy.
They think it's kind of
a Cirque du Soleil thing.
[Laughter]
And I don't blame them.
It's a big guy
dressed like a hooker
on the giant banana.
Mesdames et masseurs,
Cirque du Soleil!
[Cheers and applause]
I get on the banana.
[Laughter]
And I was having fun,
but the boat...
[Laughter]
The boat took a hard left...
[Laughter]
...and I flew off the banana...
into the other banana.
[Laughter]
And I look over...
...and it's that poor family
from Ottawa.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
And now they're mad.
[Laughter]
"They don't even have
fried dough here!
Why are you being so mean?"
[Laughter]
Two summers ago,
I had the pleasure of performing
at the Edinburgh Festival
in Scotland.
And I thought, "What a huge blessing
this is to work in Scotland."
I started stand-up 25 years ago
in Boston, Massachusetts.
[Cheers and applause]
It has been a wonderful journey,
it really has.
And I thought, "Scotland --
just another blessing that
this occupation has given me."
But everything great in my life
has a catch to it.
My manager has been my manager
for 20 years.
He's my best friend.
He's one of the smartest people
I know.
But not this time.
[Laughter]
He forgot to read the contract.
I'm gonna work 26
out of 27 nights in Scotland.
[Gruff voice]
That's too many for me.
[Normal voice]
Remember,
I'm used to being in places
between two and six days.
After the third week in Scotland,
my brain is screaming at me.
"Why did you move to Scotland?"
[Laughter]
26 out of 27 nights...
And it rained every day.
It was the worst rain
since the time of William Wallace,
known as "Braveheart."
[imitates Scottish Accent]
"Every man dies...
but not every man
has an umbrella."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
the Scottish dialect --
I think I have a pretty good ear
for dialects --
it's very thick
when they've been drinking,
which is quite a bit.
[Laughter]
"Where do you want to go now?"
[Babbles with Scottish accent]
"You got it, pal."
[Laughter]
But every day --
Think about it.
Every day for a month,
I would wake up,
it would be raining,
and I would be in Scotland.
It's like the movie
"Groundhog Day."
I'm calling up old girlfriends,
apologizing.
"Take the curse off of me!"
[Laughter]
Now, that being said,
if you're going just
for the Edinburgh Festival, go.
Just don't go 26
out of 27 nights!
They rented me an apartment,
and the apartment
had a futon bed.
[Laughter]
You know what a futon bed is?
It's a little more comfortable
than a yoga mat.
[Laughter]
That's all it is.
There ain't much to it.
[Laughter]
Some of you have futon beds.
And I actually like futon beds
'cause they're honest.
They have "F.U."
right in the name.
[Laughter]
So...
if somebody calls --
Don't people call you and go,
"We're coming to visit!
It's gonna be
'Taste of Chicago'!
We're gonna come to visit!"
[Grunts]
"Sure.
You can sleep on the futon!"
You know if you have a futon
for your guests,
they won't be staying long.
[Laughter]
After the third day,
I had sciatica.
I was crippled.
[Laughter]
And they made you walk.
They didn't pick you up.
It wasn't in the contract.
[Grunts]
And I said, "Well, where
is the venue?" They said...
[imitates Scottish accent]
"Well, you can nae see it from here.
[Laughter]
And you can nae walk
it from here."
[Normal voice]
It wasn't a walk.
It was more of a hike,
and you know
how much I love those.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
"Uh...
In---
Huh!
[As Quasimodo]
Don't look at me.
I used to be a comedian.
[Laughter]
Uh.
Master says
I must tell the jokes."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
I walked into a sandwich shop,
and it's not like
our sandwich shops here.
They're cheap with the toppings.
You know how, like, they load stuff up
in a sub shop here?
No!
"Can I have tomato?
I'll pay extra."
[Laughter]
They think, "Oh, he's a big guy.
He can't jump over the counter."
Well, they're wrong.
[Laughter]
I'll be over that counter
before they can look up.
[Screams]
"Here I am!
Put tomato on there!"
[Laughter]
Black olives on a sandwich.
How much are black olives?
You have to pretend to sprinkle
them like fairy dust.
[Laughter]
[imitates British accent]
"Open your hand, Harry Potter."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
They gave me a fried snickers bar.
"Oh, how was that?"
"Oh, it was peaceful,
and I walked towards the bright light."
[Laughter]
After the third day
of eating in pubs,
I was going, "Can I just get
an arugula salad?"
[Laughter]
[Applause]
There was a Chinese buffet
in Scotland.
Now...
[Cheers and applause]
Listen!
[Cheers and applause continue]
I -- I don't go to buffets
much anymore,
for health reasons
and restraining orders.
[Laughter]
But...
I feel I was singled out
a number of times,
but I'm not gonna fight it.
I know when I'm wrong.
And I started comedy
in Massachusetts,
and I put a few guys
out of business.
Well, me and a few friends.
What if one Chinese buffet owner
from where I started comedy
moved to Edinburgh...
[Laughter]
...with a lot of bad memories,
and he rebuilt his life
and his business.
And then I walk into his buffet
20 years later.
[Laughter]
[imitates Chinese accent]
"Father!
The Forbidden One has returned!"
[Cheers and applause]
"You think we forget about you,
son-of-a-bitch?
[Laughter]
We still have your picture.
[Laughter]
You go now again."
[Laughter]
I had to squeeze that in.
[Cheers and applause]
See, I grew up in a predominantly
Irish and Italian community,
and my father was a bartender
at the Irish American.
And that's where I first learned
to like dialects.
[imitates Irish accent]
'Cause he had friends from Ireland,
and I'd get to listen to them
and they'd tell me all wonderful stories
about growing up in Ireland.
It was quite fascinating.
[Normal voice]
But you know what?
Honesty is
part of their culture.
And they said...
[imitates Irish accent]
"You're a good boy,
but you're a fat little kid!
[Laughter]
I don't want to frighten you,
but if you're too fat,
the angels won't be able
to carry you to heaven."
[Laughter]
[Chuckles]
[Normal voice ] Actually,
my dad's friends from Ireland
gave me the best diet advice
I ever had.
[imitates Irish accent]
"I'm gonna give you a diet.
It's gonna work for you
your whole life."
[Normal voice]
And it is, you know?
'Cause I've been up
and I've been down,
and I feel pretty good now.
He said -- this is the only
thing that's ever worked.
Write it down!
[imitates Irish accent]
"It's a good diet.
Stop your eatin'!
[Laughter]
If you see it and it looks
all sweet and tasty,
well, then, keep walkin'
'cause you're a fat little boy!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] That would make
a good Nutrisystem commercial.
[imitates Irish accent]
"I'm Tommy Sullivan for Nutrisystem.
Send in $49.95!
We'll send you a big box of nothin'!
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Now go out and take a walk!"
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice] The national dish
of Scotland is called "haggis."
I don't like to eat anything
that rhymes with "gag us."
[Laughter]
Haggis is sheep intestines
with oats and spices.
Mmm.
[Laughter]
They ask you every day --
One of the many things I loved
about Scottish people
was that they're fiercely proud
and patriotic,
and they ask you every day,
[imitates Scottish accent]
"Have you had haggis yet?
Oh, haggis is beautiful!
Go get yourself
a proper haggis."
[Normal voice] I waited.
I waited for three weeks.
I waited till my manager came --
the gentleman that booked
me 26 out of 27 nights.
I said, "Where should we eat?"
I said, "We're having haggis.
Sit down!"
[Laughter]
Now, Haggis comes
with a whiskey gravy. That helped.
It didn't have whiskey in it like...
[Smacks lips]
"Is there whiskey in here?"
It had whiskey in it like,
"Did I call you last night?
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I -- I am not drunk!
I am having haggis!
[Laughter]
I'm in Scotland!
Pick me up!
[Laughter]
I love you, man!"
I love you.
Thank you very much.
Sweetheart!
[Cheers and applause]
Chicago!
[Rock music plays]
[Cheers and applause continue]
John, we got to go.
I need five more minutes.
John, come on.
I've been doing the same stuff
for 25 years, and I have a process.
It's time. Enough with the process.
We have to go.
[Knock on door]
Oh, finally.
Get out of my way.
- Pizza.
- Thank you very much. Here.
- Keep the change.
- Oh, thanks.
Good man.
Ah. Good.
Get out of my way, Hoffman.
John,
why are you so nervous?
I'm not nervous.
I'm still hungry.
[Rock music plays]
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Pinette!
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, Chicago!
[Rock music,
cheers and applause continue]
Hi, everybody!
Have a seat!
Thank you.
Wow.
[Music stops]
Oh.
I'm I'm not under
enough pressure!
Now I better not suck!
You've been so kind.
It is a pleasure to be here.
Some of you are asking,
"I wonder how much of this show
will be about food."
[Laughter]
[Scattered cheers]
Quite a bit.
[Laughter]
If you're here for WikiLeaks jokes,
you got the wrong guy.
[Laughter]
I don't know.
You know, I've been actually
trying to lose weight,
'cause the shows on TV
have been scaring me.
They have shows
where they take big people
and they throw them in vans.
[Laughter]
And they put 'em in camps!
[Laughter]
Didn't that happen before in history?
[Laughter]
Have the Nazis come back?
We have nutrition Nazis.
[imitates German accent]
So, I see you have
a little Chicago hot dog
on your face.
Get in ze van!
[Laughter]
You are a porker!
[Normal voice]
Somebody in Chicago
sent me up a picture, undoctored,
of a Weight Watchers
next to a Cold Stone Creamery.
I love that picture
because it's everywhere I am in life.
With the ups and downs
of my dieting --
I mean, like, leaving Cold Stone
feeling guilty.
"Well, I guess it's time to go
back to Weight Watchers now."
[Laughter]
Or I'm leaving
Weight Watchers going,
"I can't take it anymore!"
[Laughter]
Weight Watchers
is a great organization,
but they won't let you
buy more points.
[Laughter]
I'm going on a cruise!
I am now part of a rogue
splinter organization
where you can buy
and sell points
in the secondary market
as needed.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
"I'm going to --
I'm going to Las Vegas.
Here is my credit card."
[Laughter]
But then you try --
you're dieting and you turn on the TV,
and there's all shows about food.
They have shows
about just one kind of food.
They have three shows on
about cake.
[Laughter]
They have a show
called "The Cake Boss."
This man is the boss of cake!
[Laughter]
You are the boss of cake?
I did not know you could
arbitrarily make yourself
the boss of a food.
I am now the boss of ham.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
[imitates southern accent]
My name is Boss Hogg.
Pleased to meet 'ya.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
I don't think
you can just make yourself boss.
I think there has to be
a decision made.
I think the commission
has to meet.
There has to be a sit-down.
[Laughter]
[As Don Corleone]
So, what I've decided...
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
[Cheers and applause]
Don Buddy will be in charge
of cake from West Hoboken...
[Laughter]
...To West Orange.
How did it ever come to this?
My son, Santino...
...covered in frosting.
[Laughter]
I don't want his mother
to see him like this.
Look what they did to my boy.
[Laughter]
I never wanted this for you,
Michael.
I knew Santino
would have to make cake,
and Fredo, well, he's a cream puff.
[Laughter]
But I always thought you would
go into other pastries,
maybe even pastas.
Who knows?
Different types of meats and fishes.
Eh.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
Now...
I watch cake shows once in a while.
I think if you're watching --
and this is me talking --
I think if you're watching cake
more than one or two hours a week,
you have to re-evaluate
your decisions in life.
I do think there's more to do
than watch cake.
[Laughter]
"John, what 'cha doin'?"
"I'm watching cake."
[Laughter]
"You were watching cake
the last time we came over there.
We're all gonna come over
and talk to you.
We've written you all letters,
and then you can do
whatever you want."
I had a cake intervention.
Now...
[Applause]
The thing is, is that these
shows don't change very much.
I like dynamic shows, you know?
I liked watching "Lost."
I didn't understand it, but I liked it.
I like --
I like "Family Guy,"
"Battlestar Galactica."
I have a really eclectic taste.
But "The Cake Boss" --
I haven't seen
next week's episode,
but I'm pretty sure
it's gonna be about cake.
[Laughter]
I'm gonna tell you what happens.
Somebody's gonna walk in
and need a cake.
[Laughter]
You're thinking,
"How does he know?
He's a Hollywood insider."
I figured it out!
After watching several episodes!
It's a template.
[Laughter]
And they'll come in and go,
"Buddy, it's my son's birthday.
I don't know what to do!
I need a cake!
He really likes
the movie 'Shrek.'
Can you do anything with that?"
Then they interview Buddy in a very
serious sit-down interview,
and Buddy screams at the TV.
"It was the kid's birthday!
[Laughter]
He really likes 'Shrek'!
And I'm thinking,
'I'll get him a 'Shrek' cake!
How does he think of this?
[Laughter]
It's like "CSI: Cake."
[Laughter]
Now he tells you how
he's gonna make this "Shrek" cake.
He'll take two regular
five-layer cakes,
carve them into, like, a Shrek,
then cover it all
in a lovely, green fondant!
[Laughter]
Watch this show.
You want to play a drinking game?
Whenever he says "fondant,"
take a drink.
[Cheers and applause]
[Laughs]
15 minutes in the show,
you will have to call
an ambulance.
[Laughter]
"Oh, please,
don't say 'fondant' again."
"Our fondant was ruined!"
[Laughter]
We get it.
He can stop saying "fondant."
It's like the sheetrock of frosting.
You build with it.
[Laughter]
I understand, though,
that bakery that they have
in Hoboken is amazing.
And there's a two-hour line
to get into that bakery.
I could not stand in that line.
'Cause people walk up to me
and feel that they can say
whatever they want.
And I don't want to hear it.
Standing in a cake line.
[Laughter]
"Excuse me, sir,
are you waiting in line for cake?
You have nothing better to do?"
"You're right."
[Laughter]
With my luck, my cardiologist
would drive by
while I was waiting in line
for cake and beep the horn.
[Laughter]
"Get out of the line!"
[Cheers and applause]
I ii
"I didn't know
they sold cake here.
I thought it was a pharmacy!
[Laughter]
I was gonna get my vitamins...
...and my cholesterol medication."
And you know what?
I ain't waiting in line outside for food.
I was in Birmingham, Alabama,
and they love
the Olive Garden there.
Now, the Olive Garden --
it's good.
Their main thing is, though,
you can have
all the salad you want.
Oh, you spoil me!
[Laughter]
They do use a lot of dressing
in the salad, though.
I've had lettuce, like, floating
in dressing like a dead body.
"Oh, God, they whacked the salad!
[Laughter]
It was a hit!"
And in Birmingham, Alabama,
people are waiting outside
to get into Olive Garden.
They think they're in Italy!
They love it there!
And the nice hostess goes,
"You know what?
It's gonna be about two hours.
Is that okay?"
"For lunch at the Olive Garden?
Absolutely!
I'll be outside.
You come and get me.
Make sure you look for me."
[Laughter]
I don't get that at all.
My sisters got me a panini maker.
I don't like paninis.
[Laughter]
Well, first of all,
my sisters -- very nice.
They got it for me for my birthday.
And I tell them,
"Don't buy me anything,"
'cause I don't want anything.
I -- You know what?
I want to give.
It's better to give than to receive,
and the gifts are stupid,
and I can't pretend anymore!
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
In---
I can't look at them and go,
"Oh, a panini maker!
How did you know?
I was having trouble
making sandwiches,
and you saved me."
[Laughter]
You want to make a panini?
Get a frying pan.
[Laughter]
Put the bread on there.
Put stuff in bread.
Wait five minutes.
Turn it over.
[Laughter]
Wait five minutes.
Then punch it with your fist.
Here's your panini.
[Cheers and applause]
'Cause the paninis,
they're so squished
you don't know what's in them.
And there could be vegetables
in there!
[Laughter]
I bit into a panini,
and I tasted arugula.
[Gags]
[Laughter]
Where did arugula come from?
We had no arugula
when I was growing up.
My mother never said,
"John, I want you
to go out in the garden
and pick some arugula."
"I'll be right back, Mom."
[Laughter]
Tomatoes, cucumbers, arugula?
No!
That's a pretentious,
horrifying vegetable
people serve just so
they'll look fancy and elegant.
It's The Emperofs New Clothes
of vegetables.
People don't want to speak up.
Spit it out at the table!
"What are you serving me?"
[Laughter]
"It's arugula.
It works with the rest of the salad."
"Yes, it does.
The bitter with the dirt taste...
[Laughter]
...makes me grateful
for the rest of the salad
that I would ordinarily hate."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I had a panini
with roasted eggplant in it.
Ugh.
[Laughter]
I know eggplant.
I think you know I know eggplant.
[Laughter]
There's two ways to make it.
Parmesan...
...that a member of the family
taught you how to make...
[Laughter]
[Gruff voice]
...or leave it alone.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Normal voice] I confront
people at the supermarket.
"I don't know. Excuse --
I've seen you have
that eggplant in your hand.
You got, like, your aunt Marie's
recipe or something?"
"No, I just -- I looked up
on the Internet,
and there was this little reci--"
"Put it down!
Get it out of your hand!"
[Laughter]
"Put it down!
Go get some arugula!
You've done enough damage!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Martha Stewart...
makes me laugh.
She gives you instructions
to make stuff.
I'm waiting for her to go,
one day...
[As Martha Stewart] "Today,
we're gonna build a pyramid...
[Laughter]
...based on the ancient pyramid
at Giza.
Okay"
[Normal voice]
She says things --
Doesn't she say, like,
start with the directions
where you go,
"Well, I ain't making this."
[Laughter]
Like, "Okay, break out
your chestnut-roasting pans."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
"Honey!
Where's
the chestnut-roasting pan?"
[Laughter]
I'm not much of a cook.
I will admit that.
You know, I eat out, and --
it's very hard to be --
You know, you eat more calories
when you eat out.
It's a proven fact.
And --
Well, I didn't even have a toaster.
I just bought a toaster recently.
Well, I had one,
but I toasted low-carb bread,
and it exploded.
[Laughter]
Um...
So I go to buy another toaster.
I didn't want any trouble.
I went to a nice store
and talked to this nice, young lady.
I saw a toaster for 49 dollars.
I said,
"I'll take this toaster."
It was a lovely toaster,
as toasters go.
[Laughter]
And she said to me,
"Could I have your name
and address?"
"Nil.-
[Laughter]
"You can have 49 dollars.
[Laughter]
And I will take this toaster,
and that's really
all I planned on today.
[Laughter]
What do you say?"
She goes, "We really do
want you in our system."
I"
But I'm not adopting
the toaster.
[Laughter]
Is this, like,
a foster toaster program?
I didn't see any signs.
[Laughter]
Once I walk out the door
with this toaster...
[Gruff voice]
...you're never gonna see it again."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
They want your e-mail.
They want your address.
Remember when you could buy shit
and walk out the door?
[Laughter]
I remember that.
[Cheers and applause]
I -- I tell my nieces
and nephews that.
They don't believe me.
"You know, you used to buy stuff
and walk out the door,
and they didn't ask
you any questions."
"Oh, Uncle John, you tell funny
stories to make people laugh."
"No!
You used to buy stuff and leave!
And that's all that happened."
[Laughter]
I tell my brothers and sisters,
"Back me up.
Tell them you used to buy stuff
and leave."
They go, "Oh, don't fill
their heads with nonsense."
[Laughter]
So I go to buy my 49-dollar toaster,
and it's easy for me to say
that I have lost
my cherub-like demeanor.
[Laughter]
She said to me,
"Would you like to buy
the warranty for the toaster?"
"No.
[Laughter]
It's 49 dollars.
I think I'm gonna
absorb the risk on this one."
[Laughter]
"If this toaster should break,
and God forbid
that day should come...
[Laughter]
...I'm gonna take
another 49 dollars out of my pocket
and buy another toaster,
'cause that's how I live!
Oh, yes, baby.
[Cheers and applause]
I'm not a gambler,
but I'm feeling lucky today."
[Cheers and applause]
I went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Very nice store,
but I go without a coupon
just to freak them out.
They don't understand,
'cause everybody has coupons.
A lot of you have them on you.
They're this big.
They look like
Willy Wonka's golden ticket.
[Laughter]
My sisters have stacks of them.
They have a holster
for Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[Laughter]
One time, I was with my sisters,
and they were at the other end
of the store.
And they saw me
at the cash register,
and they knew
I didn't have a coupon.
They jumped over people.
They trampled them.
You have one!
Come here!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm not lying.
[Cheers and applause continue]
[Laughing]
This lady thinks it's
"let's make a deal."
"I'll give 50 dollars
for a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon."
"I've got one, Monty!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
One time I went
to Bed Bath & Beyond,
and I didn't have a coupon.
People talked about me in line.
"He doesn't have a coupon."
"Is he all right?"
"You don't think he's dangerous,
do you?"
One lady felt sorry for me.
"You don't have a coupon?
Do you know how to get home?
[Laughter]
Is your name in your jacket?"
[Laughter]
"I have money.
Money is the original coupon.
It says, 'In God we Trust.'
Don't you trust God?"
I must say one thing
about Bed Bath & Beyond --
and I do shop there --
they are not fussy about the coupon.
They're not looking
for expiration dates.
It could be from Linens 'N Things,
and they've closed.
You could write "coupon"
on the back of a snickers wrapper,
and they will swipe it.
I can write "coupon"
on my ass and sli-i-de.
[Cheers and applause]
That is a double coupon.
I go to Bed Bath & Beyond
without a coupon,
and the cashier
gives me a coupon.
And this is how it went.
Now, life is precious,
and we've got to make
the most of it,
and I don't have time
for useless, ridiculous things.
And she said,
"You don't have a coupon?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Well, here's one."
[Laughter]
"Thank you.
Here."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Doesn't make any sense.
It's silly, isn't it?
Wait till I tell you what happened
when I bought the TV.
I needed a TV.
And buying a TV is always
such a joyous thing for me,
because when I was a kid,
we had five channels on our TV.
Two of them didn't work.
Yeah, you know people that say --
these people piss me off.
Don't ever say it in front of me.
And I have a cherub-like demeanor,
but this makes my eye twitch.
"We were poor
when we were kids,
and, you know, we didn't know it."
Heh.
Really?
'Cause I was poor,
and I was certain of it.
And it really bothered me.
[Laughter]
After the fourth night
of frank and beans,
I would say, "Hey!
We're poor!
[Laughter]
And when I get older,
I'm talking."
[Laughter]
So, to be able to go in
and buy a nice TV, just --
You know, I count so many things
as blessings
and just another wonderful thing
in my life,
and I had a great attitude.
Then I started talking
to the salespeople.
And they said, "Okay,
if you're going to buy this TV,
you need a surge protector."
Okay. I don't know what a surge is.
[Laughter]
But I call my brother-in-law.
"They said I need a surge protector.
What do I do?"
He said, "Buy a surge protector.
You need one.
They're about 200 dollars.
If you have
high-end electronic equipment,
it might save
your equipment one day
if there is a surge."
I hadn't asked the neighbors
about surges...
[Laughter]
...but I bought it.
There was one for 200 dollars.
They go, "No, no, no, no, no.
[Laughter]
You don't want this one.
I don't even know why it's out here."
Huh.
[Laughter]
Then they brought me over
to the 500-dollar one I didn't see.
"You want the 500-dollar
surge protector."
I said, "Pray tell.
What does
a 500-dollar surge protector do?"
Apparently, there can be a lightning
bolt from Mount Olympus
that hits my condo,
and I'll still be able to watch
"The Cake Boss."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
They said, "This surge protector
is so good,
your condo could blow up,
and the TV will still be on."
[Laughter]
If the condo blows up,
I don't give a shit about the TV!
I have other things on my mind,
like funeral arrangements!
[Laughter]
So I bought the 200-dollar one.
Now they don't like me.
I bought a 2,000-dollar TV
because I'm not home very much
and I want a nice TV.
And they said, "Okay,
you bought the 2,000-dollar TV.
What about sound?"
[Laughter]
I said,
"I would like it to have sound!
[Laughter]
Could I have sound please?"
[Laughter]
They show me one of those
2,000-dollar sound systems.
And it's very good.
My house sounds like
a movie theater.
But it's driving me insane!
Every time the phone rings
on the TV,
I get up to answer the phone.
Do you know how many times
phones ring?
Up and down 80 times
in three hours!
"Hold on."
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
This is not watching TV.
This is Pilates.
Rip it out!
Rip it out!
[Laughter]
Then they said...
Then they said, "Okay.
Would you like to buy
the extended warranty?"
[Growls]
[Laughter]
And they try to scare you.
They go, "You know...
[Laughter]
...you really should get
the extended warranty.
It's only manufacturer's
limited warranty,
and it's just for six months,
and if that expires --
Ah, geez,
we got to bring our guys in,
and we have to bring
our guys in for at least a week.
Sometimes we have
between two and four guys.
We might have to send
the TV to Japan.
Could cost 80,000 dollars.
You could lose your home!"
[Laughter]
"If the TV costs 80,000 dollars to fix,
I would throw it away...
[Laughter]
...and save 78,000 dollars."
[Gruff voice]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Applause]
[Normal voice] Oh, I told you
they didn't like me.
And then the guy said,
"I just really think --
I mean, it's just --
This is just kind of --
Like everyone does.
It's just -- sign here."
I said, "No!
What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He said,
"Well, in case the TV breaks."
"if the TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it."
His eyes went dead.
Nobody had ever said
that to him before.
Nobody ever questions them.
We just sign on the dotted line,
and it's wrong,
and I was gonna stick up
for all of us!
[Cheers and applause]
I said, "The TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it."
He said, "Sir, this is one
of the best TVs in the store."
"Then what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
[Laughter]
"In case the TV breaks."
"if the TV's gonna break,
I'm not buying it!"
"It's not gonna break,
you son-of-a-bitch!"
[Laughter]
"Hold your voice down!
Why do I need
an extended warranty?"
"In case the TV breaks!
Just buy a warranty!
You got the money.
I saw you on 'Last Comic Standing!"
"That wasn't me!
That was Ralphie May!
You --
[Cheers and applause]
You can't even keep
your big guys right!"
Now, what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He just said,
"Shut up and sign!"
I said, "Get your ass outside."
We went outside and we fought.
[Laughter]
It didn't take very long.
It was a tie.
My mixed martial-arts days
are over.
We felt very silly.
I took a step back.
I said a little prayer to myself.
"I'm a better person than this.
Why am I so mad?"
And I looked at him and I said,
"What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
[Laughter]
"In case the TV breaks!"
"if it's gonna break,
I'm not buying it!"
"It's not gonna break.
I swear to God, sir!
I've been here seven years.
[Voice breaking]
Not one has broken."
"Then what do I need
an extended warranty for?"
"In case the TV breaks!
Are you fat and stupid?"
That's when
I beat the hell out of him!
[Cheers and applause]
Now I drag him back in the store...
[Laughter]
...and I flip him over.
I step on his chest.
I said, "What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
He said...
[Breathlessly]
"In case the TV breaks."
[Normal voice]
"Let me give you some air.
I want you to know,
although you may not live
through the day,
I admire your tenacity.
What do I need
an extended warranty for?"
"We get a 100-dollar bonus
if you buy it."
"Well, then, I'll take it.
Let me help you up."
[Cheers and applause]
I wish we had more lights.
[Laughter]
We could just put one in my ass
and put me on a front lawn
in a Santa suit.
[Laughter]
Next special,
we need 50 more lights, or I'm walkin'.
[Laughter]
The first show went very well,
and my producers and director
were like, "We got it.
You can play around
a little bit, you know?
Say some different things."
"You'll be sorry!
[Laughter]
I might Riverdance!"
"Oh, no.
We didn't clear Riverdance."
"Well, fuck you!"
[Cheers and applause]
Uh...
You know, I don't like
to be scripted as a stand-up.
I have certain bits,
but I like to kind of make it casual.
All right.
I'll get back
to the special now.
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
I went to a health
and fitness place...
[Laughing]
[Laughter and applause]
L-- no.
Last summer, I went
to a health and fitness place.
Yes.
And I had a stress test
and blood work.
And I go to this doctor there --
wonderful lady --
but my stress test
and my blood work are good,
and she's shocked.
[Laughter]
I mean, at least be a little happy.
Don't look, like, horrified,
that I don't have anything bad.
This is how she told me.
She...
[Laughter]
I guess she bet the over.
I don't know.
[Laughter]
"Is this you?
[Laughter]
These are good.
Your blood pressure
is 112 over 70.
We'll have that checked.
[Laughter]
It must be Celsius.
ls there Celsius on that?"
"No, there is not!"
[Laughter]
Can we have a little joy
and gratitude?
Being healthy.
The doctor
at this health and fitness place
told me one thing.
She looked at me very seriously,
and, you know,
I'm not getting any younger,
and I...
...and I was nervous for a minute,
and she said,
"Did you know
that you're allergic to wheat?"
[Laughter]
And I looked at her and said,
"But I'm a wheat farmer!"
[Laughter]
"I'm so sorry."
I'm allergic to wheat,
and I thought, "Oh, well.
I can't harvest wheat anymore."
[Laughter]
I'm hanging up my sickle.
'Cause don't friends call you
in the fall and go,
"We're harvesting this weekend.
You never miss?"
"I can't. I'm allergic!"
[Laughter]
Then I thought, "Wait a second.
You make flour out of wheat.
Perhaps I should inquire further."
[Laughter]
I said, "What does this whole wheat
thing mean to me, pray tell?"
She said, "Well, do you eat
a lot of gluten?"
[Laughter]
"I don't know what gluten is...
[Laughter]
...but I would say yes.
[Laughter]
I'm fairly certain
I'm mostly gluten."
[Laughter]
And she said, "Well, you should
avoid anything with gluten in it."
[Laughter]
I said, "Okay, thank you,"
and started to leave the room,
and I said,
"What has gluten in it?"
You know what has gluten in it?
Everything!
[Laughter]
Every reason
to wake up in the morning!
[Laughter and applause]
I'm looking at this thing
of things to avoid,
and I said, "Check again.
Maybe it's just cancer!
How am I gonna live?"
[Cheers and applause]
She...
She told me
to go try gluten-free products.
Now, I went
to a health-food store,
which was
a new experience for me.
And now I like shopping
at health-food stores.
And if you want to know
where the gluten-free stuff is,
look for a gentleman
with a gun in his mouth.
[Laughter]
'Cause bullets are gluten-free.
[Laughter and applause]
Have you tried gluten-free food?
It needs gluten.
[Laughter]
I don't know what gluten is,
but apparently, it's delicious!
[Laughter]
And you need to put
that back in there!
[Laughter]
I tried the gluten-free pasta,
and at this point, I'm thinking,
"I hope they make
a gluten substitute,
like a 'Sweet 'N Gluten'
or 'l Can't Believe It's Not Gluten."'
Now, I think we have people
here that know pasta.
Pasta, you boil --
[Cheers and applause]
You are my people.
Pasta, you boil --
boiling water,
10 minutes or less,
little olive oil, little salt.
Gluten-free pasta --
90 minutes!
[Laughter]
Enjoy.
Abbondanza!
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
[Cheers and applause]
And I tried the gluten-free bread,
and it made me long
for low-carb bread.
[Laughter]
I tried to toast it.
It broke the toaster.
[Laughter]
Should have bought the warranty.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
And it caused a surge!
[Laughter]
So, I shop now at these
health-food stores on the road,
and there's some healthy things
that I like.
Some people there
have boundary issues.
They walk up to me,
and one lady said to me,
"Do you like your beef
cruelty-free?"
"Oh, yeah.
[Laughter]
I would have it no other way.
Take that cow to Disney World...
[Laughter]
...put him on the rides,
get him Mickey ears,
a couple of pictures,
then whack him
on the way to the airport."
[Cheers and applause]
Didn't you like taking
your picture with Mickey?
Put it right in your hoof,
the picture -- you like the picture.
All right,
don't turn around, now.
[Laughter]
Vegetarians,
I completely understand.
You have health issues with it.
You have ethical issues.
Completely understand.
Some -- A vegetarian said to me,
"But I'm a vegan."
"Oh, what is that? What is that?"
[Laughter]
"Well, we don't eat meat
or dairy."
[Laughter]
"What do you do?"
I'll tell you what you do.
They lose their minds!
[Laughter]
Vegans go to the store,
and they buy 50-pound bags
of almonds,
and they make it into stuff
they wish they could eat.
They don't have a stove.
They have a Play-Doh Fun Factory.
[Laughter]
"What 'cha makin' there?"
"It's a pork roast."
"No, it's not!
It's almonds mushed together!
Have a cheeseburger!
You're losing your mind!"
[Laughter]
I went to a health-food store,
and it is not lost on me
that people on a limited income
cannot eat healthy,
and I hope we work
to change that in the future.
I've been --
Well, listen.
It's true.
[Cheers and applause]
I try to eat berries a lot,
'cause I really like them,
and they are part
of the superfood group.
I picked up berries
that were 15 dollars.
And I went, "Wow!
I want to taste
what a 15-dollar strawberry is.
These better be great strawberries.
I better not see any marks
or anything.
They better be ripe.
There should be Belgian
diamond merchants in the back
looking at these strawberries."
[Laughter]
[imitates Dutch accent]
"What do you think
of the strawberries, Artie?"
"This is a good strawberry.
[Laughter]
I'm not saying
it's a 15-dollar strawberry...
[Laughter]
...but it's a good strawberry."
[Normal voice]
A lady in the vitamin section,
a beautiful lady,
walks up to me and said,
"Do you clean your colon?"
[Laughter]
And I'm thinking,
"She's hitting on me."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause,
wolf whistles]
Whafd you have in mind, baby?
[Laughter]
I said, "No, I have
a colon-cleaning lady.
She comes in twice a week.
She's been with us for years.
She's like family.
We can't let Doris go."
[Laughter]
Someone asked me if I tried yoga
while living in L.A.
"Have you tried yoga?
You know, they have gentle yoga."
I tried gentle yoga.
You walk in and they go, "Take
your head and stick it in your ass."
[Laughter]
"I don't want to put my head
in my ass.
It's dark and scary in there.
And there's so much gluten in there.
What if I have an allergic reaction,
and it gets stuck?"
Try to find your EpiPen
with your head in your ass!
[Laughter]
They "
They go, "if you can't put
your head between your legs,
just do what you can."
Well, I took a nap,
'cause they gave me a mat.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I try to do this on the road,
though, these healthy things.
I was in Des Moines, Iowa.
I'm usually in places
between two and six days.
I'm in Des Moines, Iowa --
nice people,
I enjoyed the performances,
but there's not a lot to do
during the day.
I always make the most of it
on the road.
But the third day,
the owner of the club
says to me matter-of-factly,
"You know, there's
a rib festival in town.
About 1,000 rib booths
at the fairground.
Would you be interested
in something like that?"
[Laughter]
"Get in the car!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
So, we go
to the Iowa State Fairground,
and it's filled with ribs.
[Laughter]
Now...
I had my monogrammed rib bib
that I carry with me on the road.
[Laughter]
Well, thank God I packed it.
You should see me
in my monogrammed rib bib.
I'm adorable.
[Laughter]
I look like a Bob's Big Boy
come to life.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I have my bottle
of cholesterol medication
for the dry rub...
[Laughter]
...and I'm haPPV-
There was a long line,
but I didn't think that,
you know, my brain would starve,
because alls you could get were
a half a rack of ribs or a whole rack.
It's going to move.
No!
People watch "The Rib Boss"
or a rib show,
now everybody's an expert.
They're asking questions
to the rib guy.
"What kind of wood do you use
in your smoker?"
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line."
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice] "Is this
a vinegar-based barbecue sauce?"
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter and applause]
[Normal voice] "ls there
cayenne pepper in this dry rub?"
[Growls]
[Laughter]
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] Then I was
almost gonna get ribs.
I had a couple in front of me,
and then it was me.
I was home free.
I was gonna get my ribs
and have fun and be at a festival,
but the couple in front of me,
they were chatty.
They wanted friends
more than they wanted ribs.
They were very nice.
I couldn't yell.
You know,
I had to internalize it.
[Gruff voice]
"Get out of the line.
Get out of the line.
Get out of the line."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] See,
they were talking about the fact
that they were from Nebraska
and they had driven there
in their brand-new Winnebago.
Well, it's not brand new --
9,000 miles,
but it might as well
be brand new.
They bought it from the neighbor
across the street.
His wife had a stroke,
and they couldn't travel
as much as they had wanted to.
Now, Evelyn and George had lived
with them for over 23 years.
Their kids grew up together.
They went
to the same grammar school.
"We both sent them
to Catholic school.
Not that the schools
in the area aren't wonderful, they are.
And then they went on
to the Catholic high school.
They have a very good
football team,
and our sons played together.
Now, when Mary had the stroke,
we're at the hospital every day,
and I think they would have done
the same thing."
"Get out of the line!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I don't remember
what happened after that.
[Laughter]
I guess I got ribs.
[Laughter]
I woke up in the woods.
There were bones everywhere.
[Laughter]
I hope I didn't stalk
and kill a deer.
That would be awful.
[Laughter]
Last year,
I went on a tour of Canada,
and it was amazing.
Uh, I love Canada.
I will work there forever.
It is a lot of traveling,
and it is becoming harder
and harder to fly now.
First of all, the restrictions
are draconian at this point.
They won't even check you in.
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
They just stare.
They punch in the computer,
and then they say,
"Go check in over there.
There's a machine.
Check yourself in."
[Laughter]
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
[Laughter]
"Yeah, well, check in over there.
We don't check people in.
You check yourself in.
Do you have
your confirmation number?
Do you have
your confirmation number?"
[Laughter]
"I gave you money...
[Laughter]
...and you said
you would fly me to Las Vegas.
[Laughter]
We had a deal."
[Laughter]
"Oh, you have to --
"Sir, it will fell you
how to check yourself in."
"Okay, but l- | -l don--
I don't work here.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Do I have to de-ice the plane, too?
How much help do you need?
Let me load the luggage for you!"
[Laughter]
I had a bag that was a pound over.
It was 51 pounds.
I thought they were gonna call
the police.
"Take a pound out of the bag!
Take a pound out of the bag!"
[Laughter]
"A pound? What do you want?
To cut a pair of underwear in half!"
[Laughter]
Here's a sock!
Leave me alone!"
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Now they give you
the full-body scan some places.
[Laughter]
And I don't need that.
I believe you can do it
psychologically.
I believe if someone
has something in their ass,
you can just ask them...
[Laughter]
...and they won't be able to lie.
You'll know if they're lying
'cause you ask them
out of the blue.
"So, going to Las Vegas today.
I love Vegas.
God, where did I stay
the last time?
What shows did we see?
Is there something in your ass?"
[Laughter]
"A sock.
[Laughter]
They wouldn't let me pack it."
[Cheers and applause]
So, last year,
I flew all over Canada, and --
Actually, we drove a lot of it,
too, which I enjoyed.
We drove to Prince Edward Island.
If you want to know
where Prince Edward Island is,
it's at the end.
[Laughter]
Drive until you're done...
[Laughter]
...and you'll see a bridge.
Go over the bridge,
and you're right there.
And we had 1,000 people
on Sunday and Monday,
and it was so touching.
I'm thinking,
"This is, like, everybody."
[Laughter]
And they couldn't have been
nicer people.
It's not a big town.
There's like 12 stores
on the main drag.
It's a beautiful place to go
if you want to get away,
and quiet --
it's a beach community.
And there were 10
Anne of Green Gables gm shops.
[Laughter]
Anne of Green Gables
is the early 1900s.
It's a book
young ladies would read.
I guess it's a nice thing.
You read it growing up.
But 10 Anne of Green Gables
gift shops?
And half of them
are Anne of Green Gables gift shops
and half of them
are candy stores,
you know,
because you can't make money
just off of Anne of Green Gables.
The franchise isn't
as big as it used to be.
[Laughter]
So they have these older ladies
dressed from the early 1900s
in jumpers
like 12-year-old girls,
and they're all walking
towards you with candy samples,
and it gets creepy.
It's kind of like
the "Thriller" video, you know?
[Humming]
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
But I highly recommend it as a place
to go and meet nice people.
I was in Ottawa
and they asked me
if I ice-skated.
I said, "Oh, yes.
I am a skater.
I competed in my younger days.
I was short and sassy
before Dorothy Hamill."
[Laughter]
People skate there.
They skate all day.
They skate so long they have
snack stands on the ice.
And on these snack stands,
they sell these things
called beaver tails.
And they're giant fried dough,
and they cover it
in hot fudge and M&M's.
[Gruff voice]
And I wanted one.
[Laughter]
[Normal voice ] And...
...they make you skate to it!
[Laughter]
And I'm standing
at the edge of the ice
like the kid from "Up."
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I waited three days.
They said,
"No, you have to skate. It's tradition."
I waited three days.
Three days.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
So I put skates on...
and they pushed me...
and I skated.
It was...
[Laughter]
And I didn't do one block around
or once around.
I went right
to the fried-dough stand.
[Laughter]
I didn't want to mess around.
And I was gonna make it
to the fried dough.
There was a family in the way.
[Laughter]
A mom and dad
and two little kids.
[Laughter]
They shouldn't have been
in the way of the fried dough.
[Laughter]
They turned around
and they saw me.
[Laughter]
You know what I saw in their eyes?
I saw hope.
[Laughter]
You know, like,
"Oh, he'll stop."
[Laughter]
I couldn't and I didn't.
And they went down
like a set of bowling pins.
[Laughter]
But I bought them all
fried dough
while the paramedics
looked them over.
[Laughter]
So, it worked out pretty good.
[Laughter]
Ice-skating is now on my list
of things in life
I never care if I do again.
[Laughter]
It's like an anti-bucket list.
It rhymes with "bucket,"
I can tell you that much.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Hiking.
[Laughter]
If I'm not ice-skating,
I'm hiking.
What do I think of hiking?
[Gruff voice]
I hate it! I hate it!
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
You hike down a mountain.
You hike down a ravine.
Horrible stories start with,
"Well, we were hiking..."
[Laughter]
"And you ended up in North Korea,
didn't you?
Why were you hiking?"
'Cause people do this in L.A.
all the time.
"Oh, we're sick of the city.
We're hiking."
"Do you know how to hike?"
"Well, no, but we have new boots."
[Laughter]
I'm tired of anybody
that gets new boots and a compass
thinking they're a hiker.
Happens every year, doesn't it?
Two people go out,
new boots, compass...
[Laughter]
...and they get lost!
Then they have to send
100 people out to find them.
Then 10 of those poor bastards
get lost.
They've got to send 1,000
poor bastards out to get them!
Pretty soon, 10,000 people
are looking for two assholes
with new boots...
...and a compass!
[Cheers and applause]
Right now, my director's going,
"Okay, well, we can beep that.
That's okay."
[Laughter]
Even the food that's for hiking.
Oh! They have those power --
it's not --
like protein bars.
Protein bars?
They're not good.
[Laughter]
And I'm chewing on them,
and my brain is going,
"Why are you eating this?"
[Laughter]
They have to make it honest.
They have to call it, like,
an "Eat This Or Die" bar.
[Laughter]
I went hiking once.
I would have killed
for a roasted-eggplant panini.
[Laughter]
I would have.
[Applause]
And they...
Oh, I got one of my crazy friends,
a health nut!
She goes,
"I made my own trail mix."
Trail mix.
It has "trail" in the name.
It tastes like trail!
I had this.
I was sure I bit into a twig.
I'll tell you what they do.
They put M&M's in there to fool you.
So, you're about to spit it out.
You go, "Oh, twig!
[Spits]
Oh, no, M&M.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
No, twig!
No, M&M.
No, that's a twig!
M&M. "
[Laughter]
I make my own trail mix now.
It's a one-pound bag of M&M's.
[Cheers and applause]
And everybody wants to try mine!
I went on a little vacation
to Saint Martin.
It's a beautiful island.
It's half French, half Dutch.
Magnificent beaches.
A running theme in my life is
the airlines losing my luggage.
Well, they managed to do it
once again.
Now, there aren't a lot of
Big & Talls in Saint Martin.
[Laughter]
So I bought an extra-large shirt
at the gift shop.
That worked out okay.
It went up to about here.
[Laughter]
And it was so hot.
I had jeans on,
and I couldn't take it anymore
after the second day.
I cut my jeans off...
...and I cut them too short.
[Laughter]
Sorry you have to be in
the front row for this, friends.
[Laughter]
Now I look like a hooker.
And I'm not talking about
a high-end escort.
I mean a ho!
[Laughter]
Like an HBO documentary.
"He walks the streets
of Saint Martin."
[Laughter]
There was a group
of Japanese tourists
that saw me.
I always fascinate
Japanese tourists.
They saw me.
They get out the cameras
right away.
[imitates Japanese accent]
"Looky, looky, looky, look!
[Laughter]
How come you dressed
like a hooker?
[Laughter]
Do you know
you can see your 'berry'?
[Laughter]
You can see his 'berry.'
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
Here's 20 dollars.
[Laughter]
Let me rub your 'berry.'
[Laughter]
[Laughter intensifies]
Thank you.
I rub his 'berry'!"
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice]
Now...
They had this fun,
little water thing
I had long put
on my nay-nay list --
you know, water-skiing
and parasailing.
But they had this thing
called a banana boat.
It's a giant inflatable banana.
It's fun, but it's unstable,
like most of the people
in my life.
[Laughter]
And it's pulled by a motorboat.
Now, they had two bananas
going out at once.
Very popular ride.
So, I look like a hooker.
No use being on land.
[Laughter]
Now I go on the giant banana.
Now, I'm on a French beach,
and they're going crazy.
They think it's kind of
a Cirque du Soleil thing.
[Laughter]
And I don't blame them.
It's a big guy
dressed like a hooker
on the giant banana.
Mesdames et masseurs,
Cirque du Soleil!
[Cheers and applause]
I get on the banana.
[Laughter]
And I was having fun,
but the boat...
[Laughter]
The boat took a hard left...
[Laughter]
...and I flew off the banana...
into the other banana.
[Laughter]
And I look over...
...and it's that poor family
from Ottawa.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
And now they're mad.
[Laughter]
"They don't even have
fried dough here!
Why are you being so mean?"
[Laughter]
Two summers ago,
I had the pleasure of performing
at the Edinburgh Festival
in Scotland.
And I thought, "What a huge blessing
this is to work in Scotland."
I started stand-up 25 years ago
in Boston, Massachusetts.
[Cheers and applause]
It has been a wonderful journey,
it really has.
And I thought, "Scotland --
just another blessing that
this occupation has given me."
But everything great in my life
has a catch to it.
My manager has been my manager
for 20 years.
He's my best friend.
He's one of the smartest people
I know.
But not this time.
[Laughter]
He forgot to read the contract.
I'm gonna work 26
out of 27 nights in Scotland.
[Gruff voice]
That's too many for me.
[Normal voice]
Remember,
I'm used to being in places
between two and six days.
After the third week in Scotland,
my brain is screaming at me.
"Why did you move to Scotland?"
[Laughter]
26 out of 27 nights...
And it rained every day.
It was the worst rain
since the time of William Wallace,
known as "Braveheart."
[imitates Scottish Accent]
"Every man dies...
but not every man
has an umbrella."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
the Scottish dialect --
I think I have a pretty good ear
for dialects --
it's very thick
when they've been drinking,
which is quite a bit.
[Laughter]
"Where do you want to go now?"
[Babbles with Scottish accent]
"You got it, pal."
[Laughter]
But every day --
Think about it.
Every day for a month,
I would wake up,
it would be raining,
and I would be in Scotland.
It's like the movie
"Groundhog Day."
I'm calling up old girlfriends,
apologizing.
"Take the curse off of me!"
[Laughter]
Now, that being said,
if you're going just
for the Edinburgh Festival, go.
Just don't go 26
out of 27 nights!
They rented me an apartment,
and the apartment
had a futon bed.
[Laughter]
You know what a futon bed is?
It's a little more comfortable
than a yoga mat.
[Laughter]
That's all it is.
There ain't much to it.
[Laughter]
Some of you have futon beds.
And I actually like futon beds
'cause they're honest.
They have "F.U."
right in the name.
[Laughter]
So...
if somebody calls --
Don't people call you and go,
"We're coming to visit!
It's gonna be
'Taste of Chicago'!
We're gonna come to visit!"
[Grunts]
"Sure.
You can sleep on the futon!"
You know if you have a futon
for your guests,
they won't be staying long.
[Laughter]
After the third day,
I had sciatica.
I was crippled.
[Laughter]
And they made you walk.
They didn't pick you up.
It wasn't in the contract.
[Grunts]
And I said, "Well, where
is the venue?" They said...
[imitates Scottish accent]
"Well, you can nae see it from here.
[Laughter]
And you can nae walk
it from here."
[Normal voice]
It wasn't a walk.
It was more of a hike,
and you know
how much I love those.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
"Uh...
In---
Huh!
[As Quasimodo]
Don't look at me.
I used to be a comedian.
[Laughter]
Uh.
Master says
I must tell the jokes."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
I walked into a sandwich shop,
and it's not like
our sandwich shops here.
They're cheap with the toppings.
You know how, like, they load stuff up
in a sub shop here?
No!
"Can I have tomato?
I'll pay extra."
[Laughter]
They think, "Oh, he's a big guy.
He can't jump over the counter."
Well, they're wrong.
[Laughter]
I'll be over that counter
before they can look up.
[Screams]
"Here I am!
Put tomato on there!"
[Laughter]
Black olives on a sandwich.
How much are black olives?
You have to pretend to sprinkle
them like fairy dust.
[Laughter]
[imitates British accent]
"Open your hand, Harry Potter."
[Laughter]
[Normal voice]
They gave me a fried snickers bar.
"Oh, how was that?"
"Oh, it was peaceful,
and I walked towards the bright light."
[Laughter]
After the third day
of eating in pubs,
I was going, "Can I just get
an arugula salad?"
[Laughter]
[Applause]
There was a Chinese buffet
in Scotland.
Now...
[Cheers and applause]
Listen!
[Cheers and applause continue]
I -- I don't go to buffets
much anymore,
for health reasons
and restraining orders.
[Laughter]
But...
I feel I was singled out
a number of times,
but I'm not gonna fight it.
I know when I'm wrong.
And I started comedy
in Massachusetts,
and I put a few guys
out of business.
Well, me and a few friends.
What if one Chinese buffet owner
from where I started comedy
moved to Edinburgh...
[Laughter]
...with a lot of bad memories,
and he rebuilt his life
and his business.
And then I walk into his buffet
20 years later.
[Laughter]
[imitates Chinese accent]
"Father!
The Forbidden One has returned!"
[Cheers and applause]
"You think we forget about you,
son-of-a-bitch?
[Laughter]
We still have your picture.
[Laughter]
You go now again."
[Laughter]
I had to squeeze that in.
[Cheers and applause]
See, I grew up in a predominantly
Irish and Italian community,
and my father was a bartender
at the Irish American.
And that's where I first learned
to like dialects.
[imitates Irish accent]
'Cause he had friends from Ireland,
and I'd get to listen to them
and they'd tell me all wonderful stories
about growing up in Ireland.
It was quite fascinating.
[Normal voice]
But you know what?
Honesty is
part of their culture.
And they said...
[imitates Irish accent]
"You're a good boy,
but you're a fat little kid!
[Laughter]
I don't want to frighten you,
but if you're too fat,
the angels won't be able
to carry you to heaven."
[Laughter]
[Chuckles]
[Normal voice ] Actually,
my dad's friends from Ireland
gave me the best diet advice
I ever had.
[imitates Irish accent]
"I'm gonna give you a diet.
It's gonna work for you
your whole life."
[Normal voice]
And it is, you know?
'Cause I've been up
and I've been down,
and I feel pretty good now.
He said -- this is the only
thing that's ever worked.
Write it down!
[imitates Irish accent]
"It's a good diet.
Stop your eatin'!
[Laughter]
If you see it and it looks
all sweet and tasty,
well, then, keep walkin'
'cause you're a fat little boy!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] That would make
a good Nutrisystem commercial.
[imitates Irish accent]
"I'm Tommy Sullivan for Nutrisystem.
Send in $49.95!
We'll send you a big box of nothin'!
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Now go out and take a walk!"
[Cheers and applause]
[Normal voice] The national dish
of Scotland is called "haggis."
I don't like to eat anything
that rhymes with "gag us."
[Laughter]
Haggis is sheep intestines
with oats and spices.
Mmm.
[Laughter]
They ask you every day --
One of the many things I loved
about Scottish people
was that they're fiercely proud
and patriotic,
and they ask you every day,
[imitates Scottish accent]
"Have you had haggis yet?
Oh, haggis is beautiful!
Go get yourself
a proper haggis."
[Normal voice] I waited.
I waited for three weeks.
I waited till my manager came --
the gentleman that booked
me 26 out of 27 nights.
I said, "Where should we eat?"
I said, "We're having haggis.
Sit down!"
[Laughter]
Now, Haggis comes
with a whiskey gravy. That helped.
It didn't have whiskey in it like...
[Smacks lips]
"Is there whiskey in here?"
It had whiskey in it like,
"Did I call you last night?
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
I -- I am not drunk!
I am having haggis!
[Laughter]
I'm in Scotland!
Pick me up!
[Laughter]
I love you, man!"
I love you.
Thank you very much.
Sweetheart!
[Cheers and applause]
Chicago!
[Rock music plays]
[Cheers and applause continue]