Johnny English (2003) Movie Script
[Dogs Barking]
[Toys Squeaking]
[Dogs Whimpering]
[Guns Cocking]
Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36.
Quite deadly in the right hands.
Ah, Agent One.
I have been so looking
forward to this moment.
Well, in that case,
I'll try not to disappoint.
You overestimate your power
over women, Mr English.
I'd say that would be
virtually impossible.
Sir? Sir?
- Sir! Have you got them?
- [Gasps]
- Hmm?
- The mission documents. Agent One's flying tonight.
Yes, the mission documents.
They're here somewhere. Ah, here we are.
Agent One.
Gentlemen.
I'm here for my documents.
Bough, Agent One's
documents, please.
- [Clears Throat]
- Thank you.
Your mission documents,
Agent One.
Including the codes for the submarine
hatch, which I've checked myself.
Thank you.
So, is it just France tonight, or will you
be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?
If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
Oh.
[Nervous Chuckle]
[Muttering] Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I expect you would.
Cheerio, Agent One.
Bonne chance.
Arrivederci.
Such class.
Such distinction.
[Bell Tolling] To: MI7 All Depts. Urgent!
Agent One killed in action in Biarritz.
Submarine hatch failed to open.
The greatest secret agent England's
ever had snuffed out in an instant.
Terrible.
Do you know what makes us envied
the world over, Bough?
- That there's always another agent waiting to step in.
- Absolutely, sir.
And every last one of them
is gathered around that grave.
It is our honour and privilege
to guard them while they grieve.
Their lives are in our hands, Bough.
[Tyres Screeching]
Everything in order, English?
I think you'll find it's rather
more than just in order, sir.
You're now entering the most secure
location in the whole of England.
[Cow Mooing]
[Man] Pegasus,
we face a national crisis.
Agent One was clearly onto something,
and we have to find out what.
I need another agent on this.
Who else is there?
No one, Prime Minister.
They all died in the explosion.
All of them?
Well, luckily there is
one who survived.
Who?
# One eye on the shadows #
# Protecting his fellows #
- # From sunup till the moon on his back #
- [Grunting]
- # Sendin' villains to Hades a hit with the ladies #
- Johnny English.
# A stallion in the sack #
- # You can't get your life back when right follows left, Jack #
- [Groaning]
# The more you see
the less you know #
# When others would leak it
His service is secret #
# Plays God
when it's your time to go #
# Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous #
# When they made him
they broke the mould #
# So charismatic
with an automatic #
# Never prematurely
shooting his load #
Hah!
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I wouldn't have a clue
who's doin' what, why, when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe
Watch out #
# For the man
for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
- # But safe at home #
- # But safe at home #
- # Oh, yeah, yeah #
- # But safe at home #
# But safe at home
But safe at home #
# Then you and I wouldn't have a clue
who's doin' what, why, when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe
Watch out #
# For the man
for all seasons #
# Loves 'em and leaves 'em
alone, so alone #
# But safe at home ##
Right.
Johnny English.
I'm here to see Pegasus.
Still, no sense rushing things.
There are some items you need
to sign before your briefing.
This is your new retinal I.D. card,
and this is your level
nine security clearance.
Sign and date, please.
Ah.
Oh, reminds me of the old
service issue ballpoint.
I remember every agent would
carry a pen that looked just like this.
Completely innocent to the
untrained eye, but click it twice--
[Gasps]
Ah, English, there you are.
Have you seen my secretary?
Um... she went out.
Um... shall we?
Now, Agent One believed that there
was a plot to steal the Crown Jewels.
They've recently been through
a multimillion-pound restoration,
largely paid for by a corporate sponsor.
They're due to be unveiled
tonight at the Tower of London.
The queen is insisting that the ceremony
goes ahead, so what we want you to--
Hah! Who-- Who--
Who is the sponsor, sir?
Pascal Sauvage.
What, that flouncy Frenchman
who owns a couple of prisons?
Sauvage's L7 billion empire,
English,
operates over 400 prisons
in 60 countries.
- He's built 25 of them here.
- Right, sir.
The man's related to the royal family,
for goodness'sake.
As far as the prime minister's concerned,
he's one of the greatest friends England's got.
Now, English, I want you at the Tower
tonight, monitoring this unveiling.
Any chink in security,
any weakness,
however slight,
must be plugged immediately.
Do we understand each other?
- Perfectly, sir.
- Good.
- Oh, yes.
- And, uh, English...
we can't afford any mistakes--
not tonight.
The word ''mistake'' sir, is not one
that appears in my dictionary.
THE TOWER OF LONDON
[Engine Revs]
Fantastic car, sir!
Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony
Chevenix, head of Royal Security.
Ah, Colonel, good evening.
- Snipers posted on the roof as per my request?
- Thirteen of them.
- Windows?
- Refitted with bullet and shatter-proof glass.
I shall now mingle
inconspicuously with the guests.
- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.
- Very good.
Shall I mingle with you, sir?
Oh, yes, Bough.
Once you've checked the roof.
[Screaming]
Help! Help!
Well, hello.
Hello yourself.
Johnny English.
Lorna Campbell.
A Bloody Mary, please,
not too spicy.
So, are you here in
some professional capacity?
I worked on the restoration of the jewels.
- Intriguing.
- And yourself?
If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
I'd like to see you try.
Monsieur Sauvage,
on behalf of Her Majesty,
may I welcome you to the Tower.
Merci, monsieur.
So, are you here alone,
Mr English?
That's how I choose
to live my life, Miss Campbell.
Women want safety, security.
I can offer them nothing but danger.
Some women find danger very attractive.
Women like you, Miss Campbell?
Women like me expect men like you...
to find that out for yourself.
Hmm.
Madame.
Oh, it's for me, actually. Could your
rustle up some of those cheesy niblets?
Now, where were we?
You obviously haven't met
our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
No, thank God.
You know, I think I'd rather have
my bottom impaled on a giant cactus...
than exchange pleasantries
with that jumped-up Frenchman.
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing
the French should host is an invasion.
[Snickers]
Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell. I've been so
looking forward to meeting you.
- Enchant.
- [Muttering]
But of course! You're Johnny English.
I've heard all about you.
And between you and me,
I'm not so keen on the French myself.
But please don't tell them that.
Let me go and search
for your nibbly cheese bits.
- No, no, no. I--
- I insist. The French are, after all, fantastic waiters.
- The best in the world.
- Well-- But-But--
- Wait here, and I will wait on you.
- No, really. There's no--
No. Please, please, please!
Hmm. Les Franais.
Ils sont very...
n'est-ce pas?
Ladies and gentlemen,
mesdames est messieurs,
bienvenus, welcome tonight
to this wonderful occasion.
As we stand here
in the Tower of London,
the most famous prison
in the world,
where these wonderful
jewels will rest safely...
under lock and key,
I want to thank you...
for giving me
this wonderful experience...
to contribute to the restoration
of these jewels.
It was, as we say in France,
le top, le best of.
- [Feigned Chuckle]
- And what a beautiful--
[Screaming]
[Grunts]
[Woman Screams]
It's Colonel Chevenix! He's got
a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?
The assailant.
He ran in here.
Bough, you guard the door.
Aha!
[Grunting]
[Pounding, Grunting]
For God's sake, Bough, don't come in.
The man's a maniac!
- [Guests Gasp]
- You don't frighten me!
- [Glass Shatters]
- Missed!
[Guests Gasping]
[Grunting Continues]
[Karate Yells]
[Body Falls]
- [Guests Gasping]
- I've managed to subdue the assailant.
The panic's over.
Everything's under control.
- [Applause]
- [Chevenix Groans]
Thank you. And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
we should compose ourselves
for the arrival of Her Majesty...
and return to the site
of our great nation's...
magnificently restored
Crown Jewels.
[All Gasping]
I know. I feel it too.
The very symbols
of our island nation,
so close we could almost
reach out and--
- ## [Trumpet Fanfare]
- Pray silence for Her Majesty the Queen.
[Queen]
Oh, where are the jewels?
[Pegasus]
It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
I couldn't agree more, sir.
Well, we need to get these
jewels back, English, and fast.
Tell me about this assailant. When they
searched the room, there was no sign of him.
Well, the man was clearly
a professional.
He must have escaped while
the queen was being sedated.
But he's the only lead we've got.
We have to find him.
Come in. This is--
This is Roger from Data Support.
Please sit down. He'll produce
a likeness based on your description.
So tell us,
what did this man look like?
Um... well...
he was... big.
- Hair colour?
- Um... orange.
- Orange?
- Mmm. And curly.
Well, frizzy, actually.
Frizzy sort of thing.
- Frizzy.
- An eyepatch.
Broken nose.
Very few teeth.
Two, I would say,
at the most.
And a scar on his cheek...
in the shape... of a banana.
- Which cheek?
- Both cheeks.
They sort of met in the middle.
Are you sure about this, English?
[Gasps] Oh, yes, that's him.
An uncanny resemblance.
Why, it's just as if
he's in the room with us.
[Horn Honking, Tyres Screeching]
Wow! Look at this, sir.
Got all the bells and whistles.
Never mind about the gadgets.
Just focus on the case.
[Horn Honks]
[Engine Revs]
Oh, uh--
Good morning, gentlemen.
Thank you very much for waiting.
Now, the question that faces us
this morning is a simple one.
Namely, how did the thieves gain access
to this highly secure environment...
and then escape
with the jewels afterwards?
A simple question, but one
which I believe has a complex answer.
- Actually, sir--
- Uh, please, Bough. My mind is at work.
Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen,
is that the master criminal...
sees not a room
but a series of opportunities.
Should I go in
through the window?
Possibly.
- Should I drop down from the ceiling?
- Actually, sir--
There's one thing I think
we can be fairly confident about,
that is that they didn't
come up through the floor--
I've got you, sir.
That's all right.
Just come my way, Bough.
- That'll bring me right over the hole, sir.
- There's no need to panic.
Can you see
the bottom yet, Bough?
Not yet, sir. The shaft
appears to be narrowing.
I'm just a little bit worried
I might get stuck.
Trust me, Bough. You won't
get stuck if you just keep moving.
Yes, sir.
[Bough Grunting]
I'm okay, sir.
Are you at the bottom
now, Bough?
No, I am in fact stuck now, sir.
Oh, for God's sake, Bough.
Stay there! I'm coming down.
Uh, I'm not especially sure
that's a good idea, sir.
Don't Worry.
Be careful, sir!
Gently does it.
- [Screaming]
- Sir?
- Are you all right, sir?
- Yes. I landed on something quite soft.
- That was me, sir.
- Oh, good.
What now?
There's no way back
up there, that's for sure.
But this must lead somewhere.
I'm slightly uncomfortable in the dark, sir.
There's nothing
to worry about, Bough.
- It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
- Can we, sir? How?
The Bedouin monks of
the Al Maghreb mountains...
developed a system of sonic chanting.
- I see, sir.
- The sound of their chanting...
would bounce back
off any obstacles,
and using their highly tuned ears...
they could paint a mental
picture of the path ahead.
- Brilliant, sir.
- However, you must always sing in E-flat.
## [Humming]
# E-flat, E-flat, E-flat #
# Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing #
- Is it working, sir?
- Extremely well, thank you, Bough.
# Thanks for all the joy that-- ##
- [Thud]
- Ow!
You all right, sir? I think
I can see something, sir.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
[Quiet Chattering]
[Man]
Here is the long one.
[Man #2]
It is a long one.
Careful.
- I knew it.
- Shall we call for backup, sir?
What? And watch some fat-bottomed
bobby make our arrest for us?
I don't think so.
Good morning, gentlemen.
MI7 at your service.
Observe, Bough, the dull
incompetence of the criminal mind.
It can never hope to match
our level of technical expertise.
- [Tyres Screeching]
- [Coughing]
- You've got it.
- [Bough] What do we do now, sir?
Watch and learn, Bough.
- They're too far ahead of us.
- Have faith, Bough. They're heading south.
[Nuns Screaming]
- There they are, sir!
- Just as I thought.
- Hang on tight, Bough.
- [Bough Groaning]
- [Horns Honking]
- We're never gonna catch them in this.
- Take the wheel, Bough. I'm getting in the Aston.
- Sir?
[Truck Horn Honking]
Change places, Bough.
I'm getting out the other side.
Sir?
Set, Bough. Take me up.
Swing me out, Bough!
- Whoa.
- Down.
- [Horn Honking]
- Up! Up!
Sorry!
Bough, pull out!
Ow! Ow!
Those idiots are right behind us.
Faster!
[Horns Honking]
Uh-huh.
[Beeping]
[Horn Honking]
Drop me here, Bough!
Ow! Oh.
No! No! No!
[Bough]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Engine Starts, Revs]
[English] They're turning into
the Brompton Cemetery.
Get here as soon as you can.
I'm going in.
In a wheelchair. But Geoffrey
overcame these terrible disabilities...
with that simple resilience
and sunny optimism...
that so warmed
all of us who knew him,
spending the rest of his life
in the service...
of the poor and disabled
of this parish.
It's very good.
Really very good.
No, no, please go on.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
- It's very entertaining.
- Who's that?
That priest act of yours should keep the
other prisoners entertained for hours.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are
my manners? Johnny English,
British Secret Service,
and you are all under arrest.
I must say you've done
this whole thing very well.
The attention to detail
is excellent.
You, the grieving granny,
you're very convincing.
Oh, look. Real tears.
Do you get paid extra for that?
Ahh, what we're all here for.
I know! Why don't we
take a look inside?
- [Mourners Gasp]
- Oh, you've nailed it down!
Why would you do that?
I know you're gonna come back
in two weeks and dig it up again.
## [Hums]
Now, what are you playing in this
little vignette of deceit and villainy?
I'm the hearse driver.
- You're the hearse driver?
- Yes, sir.
- You're the hearse driver?
- Yes, sir.
Ah! Aha!
There you are... Gunther.
Uh, I do hope he hasn't
made a nuisance of himself.
I'm Doctor, um...
Bough, of the Lunatic Response Unit.
I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't
supposed to be released until 2028.
Isn't that right, Gunther?
Yes, yes, there's been
the most monumental cock-up.
Um, if you'll excuse me,
with the deepest respect,
utmost sympathy.
Uh, he hasn't urinated
on anyone, has he?
- No.
- No, no.
That's a blessing. Are you
gonna give me the gun, Gunther?
There. That wasn't too difficult, was it?
- Are you going to come home now?
- [Speaking Gibberish]
[Speaking Gibberish]
Oh... in the van!
Yes, we are going in the van.
Yes, yes.
Vroom, vroom.
- Vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom.
- Yes. Yeah.
- [Gibberish]
- Yes. He's waving good-bye. Good-bye, everyone.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye, Gunther.
Mind the nice dead people.
There we go.
[Squeaks]
Oh, we'll just go to the path
here. There. Big step.
It's a graveyard. It's
where they bring people--
Yes, all right.
You can stop now.
- For appearances, I'll just hold your arm.
- Just keep walking.
In fact, run, run, run!
I can't believe I've done this.
I mean, I really
cannot believe I've done this!
You see, 200 years ago,
my family should have inherited
the throne of England,
but they were cast aside.
Well, in a few very short days,
it will be back where it belongs.
With me.
Shall I try it on?
Yes? No? Maybe?
To make you king, we need the
archbishop of Canterbury to do that.
The archbishop of Canterbury...
is being taken care of even as we speak.
TARGET ACQUIRED
TARGET LOCKED
There's only one thing, sir.
What are we going to do about English?
If I were you, I wouldn't worry
too much about English.
He is no threat to us.
I had his flat bugged.
[Karate Yells]
- [Yells]
- [Duck Squeaks]
Clearly, the aptly named
English is a fool.
He might be a fool, but he's
a fool who keeps showing up.
Well, the next time
he shows up,
eliminate him.
Thank you.
Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir.
Released from prison six months ago.
Armed robbery,
grievous bodily harm...
and combined parking
fines of more than 400--
Uh, yes, all right. Thank you, Bough.
I think we get the picture.
The point is, sir,
that Vendetta and Klein...
are both in the employ
of Monsieur Sauvage.
- Pascal Sauvage?
- Precisely, sir.
But you're not suggesting
Sauvage is involved?
I think he's more
than just involved, sir.
I'm convinced he's
up to his French neck in it.
Don't be absurd. Sauvage
employs thousands of people.
Just because two of them
are villains doesn't mean that he is.
I want him discounted from this
investigation immediately.
Yes, sir.
All right. Tonight I shall be at Sauvage's
reception for the new French ambassador.
Any developments,
you can reach me there.
Apart from that, I don't want you
within a hundred miles of the man.
Absolutely, sir.
Requisition order: MI7 quartermasters
for immediate supply;
one military transport plane, fully fueled,
with permission for nighttime city over flight;
two night camouflage parachutes, plus reserves,
plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black.
I've never liked the navy blue.
And a 40-inch chest for me
'cause I need the sleeve length.
- Morning, Felch.
- Morning.
Oh, and two Special Forces signet rings,
primed and colour-coded.
- What's all this for?
- For tonight's operation.
We're going to break into
Sauvage's headquarters.
- But Pegasus said--
- Let me worry about Pegasus.
I know that Sauvage is behind all this,
and tonight we're going to get the evidence.
- Is something wrong, sir?
- Did that sound like Felch to you?
[Whispers]
Bough--
[Whispers]
You, upstairs.
[Grunts, Groans]
Ow.
Can you see him, Bough?
He's on the upper level, sir.
Got him.
And like a coiled viper...
he strikes.
[Bough Groans]
So what you're saying, sir,
is there must have been two of them?
Oh, at least, Bough. Possibly four.
I wonder why I didn't see them.
You mustn't dwell on your mistakes.
- You must learn from them, then move on.
- Yes, sir.
- So where were you, sir?
- Just drop it, Bough!
- Aah! What is it, sir?
- That bike.
You get things sorted out for tonight.
Well, well, we meet again.
Mr English. What a pleasant surprise.
I wondered when
you might show up again.
On the contrary, Miss Campbell. It is
not I who keeps showing up. It's you.
Do you like sushi?
Hmm?
Oh, sushi! I practically
live off the stuff.
You might say the mysteries
of the Orient are no mystery to me.
- Sake?
- Ah. Sake.
[Speaking Japanese]
Cheers.
May all your daughters
be born with three bottoms.
Now then, perhaps
you can explain how it is...
that I run into you
at two crime scenes...
and then can't find any record of you
on a single government computer.
Shouldn't you ask
the government that?
I am the government
and I'm asking you.
Let me.
Mmm. You're brave.
They say that sea urchin's
the ultimate acquired taste.
Hmm. It's a personal
favourite of mine.
I think people are put off
by how it feeds through its bottom.
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
[Gagging]
[Shouting In Japanese]
Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from MI7.
Sorry. I'm a secret agent.
- Everything set, Bough?
- Just about, sir.
Actually, sir, do you mind if I
run through the plan one more time?
- No, no.
- These are the two buildings here.
This one is our target, Sauvage's
headquarters, next to City Hospital.
I jump first and land
on the south side of the roof,
abseil down 14 floors and
cut through this window here.
[English] I then land on the east side
and abseil down 12 floors.
Where you wait for my signal
that I've disabled the alarm system.
- Yes.
- You them break into this window here,
work your way along the secure corridor
and penetrate Sauvage's office.
- Yes, yes.
- Is that okay, sir?
It's been okay ever since
I thought up the idea, Bough.
Oh, I nearly forgot, sir.
Your laser beacon.
- My what?
- Your laser beacon!
It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building.
Your dependence on hardware
really does amuse me, Bough.
I've been dropped into
the Kalahari Desert...
carrying nothing more than a toothbrush
and a packet of sherbet lemons,
and I still found my way to
Bulawayo before Ramadan.
So thank you, Bough,
but no thank you.
- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Bough, go!
Geronimo!
- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Fandango!
Ugh! Ai-yi-yi.
Right.
- [Beeps]
- Alarm's disabled, sir.
Roger that, Bough.
[Grunts, Groans]
This is worse
than I thought, Bough.
Sauvage has got some kind
of laboratory set up here.
God knows what kind
of sick operation he's running.
[Door Opens]
My God, what
have they done to you?
They've taken some of my blood.
- Bastards!
- It's only for tests.
Of course it is.
Come on, my friend.
Let's get you out of here
before they take anything else.
[Groaning]
Ah! Good evening,
Dr Frankenstein.
This way, please.
Come on. I haven't got all night.
And you, you angels of death.
About turn. Come on, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Keep moving.
Come on. Over there. I know
what you're doing here. And you.
Come on. Quicker. Quicker.
Over there.
Now then,
perhaps you could direct me
to your evil paymaster.
- What are you talking about?
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Where is the office
of Pascal Sauvage?
Are you coming over here
in a minute, sir?
I'm from MI7.
This has been a test of your
emergency response systems,
and I have to say
you've all done extremely well.
Right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
And, uh, get well soon.
Oh, God!
Sir. Sir.
[Exhales]
Did you just land
on the wrong building?
I did a precautionary sweep
of the immediate environment.
Right.
- And everything was fine.
- Good.
Okay, let's go.
I will be downstairs
at the reception--
- That's far enough.
- Well, good evening.
- Perhaps you'd like this as well.
- What is it?
- Let me show you.
- Aah!
Well executed, Bough,
but completely redundant.
- How do you mean, sir?
- Super-strength muscle relaxant.
When he wakes up, he'll be
as floppy as a damp old sock.
[Men Conversing, Indistinct]
What's this?
That's the face of
the archbishop of Canterbury.
[English]
What are they doing?
[English] What's this got to do
with the Crown Jewels?
Bough.
[Beep, Whirring]
[Bough]
English.
A people whose empire
once covered...
one quarter of the surface
of the earth.
Alas, no longer.
My friends ask me, ''Pascal,
how can you be so interested...
in such a backward,
grotty little country?''
My answer is simple:
the queen.
The queen has more power
in her tiny white gloves...
than any other head of state
in the entire world.
She can declare war
or make peace,
and most intriguingly...
she can seize any piece of land
which takes her fancy.
Of course,
the queen never uses...
the enormous power
afforded to her.
But imagine someone
who would use that power.
Imagine, say, me.
But how could he do that, sir?
How could he make himself king?
The archbishop.
- [Sauvage Continues, Indistinct]
- [Door Opens]
Ow.
Hands up.
There's a good fellow.
Heavily armed for a late night
at the office.
You fool, English. You'll never
get out of the building alive.
I'd save your breath
for my questioning.
I'm not telling you
anything.
Incorrect.
Sodium pentothal.
- I won't lie to you. It's a truth serum.
- [Groans]
Now then, why does Sauvage
want to have himself crowned?
You have no idea
what's going on here, do you?
[Chuckles] It would be funny
if it wasn't so ''pablibblit''.
What?
[Mumbling Gibberish]
- He's talking gibberish, sir.
- I can hear that.
[Groans]
- He's collapsed onto me, sir.
- I can see that.
- You don't think you could've got the syringes mixed up?
- What?
Given the guard outside truth serum
and given Klein the muscle relaxant?
Aah!
Don't be ridiculous, Bough.
I think I know my right from my left.
- Sir?
- Oh, bugger it.
Bough, take ''flodd''.
- Take what, sir?
- ''Flodd''. ''Schlage''.
- I'm not quite getting that second word, sir.
- ''Schlaaaagh!''
- Write it down, sir.
- ''Schlaaaagh!''
Yes!
[Muttering Gibberish]
''C.'' C-A-- Uh--
Car! Take the car!
We came by plane.
[Muttering Gibberish]
Bugger off!
- Hold it right there.
- [Groans]
- What's wrong with them?
- I'm not telling you.
Wrong answer.
What is it with you two?
Huh?
[Groaning]
Let's get outta here.
Sorry, but who are you, exactly?
Special Agent Campbell.
I'm attached to Interpol in Paris.
We've been watching
Sauvage for months.
Why?
Because every major convict released
from a Sauvage prison in six months...
has been employed
by one of his companies.
We believe he's recruiting them
for a major criminal conspiracy.
- We just don't know what yet.
- [English Mumbles Gibberish]
- What did he say?
- Pegasus!
We have to report
to Pegasus!
Oh, no, sir.
No, no, no.
- How do we get out of here?
- Hey, you tWo!
What you did to me really hurt.
Yeah. Sorry about that. How do we
get out of here without being seen?
Okay.
Left by the fountain, right by the fire
exit, to the elevator at the end.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
Nice job, Bough.
- Left, sir. Left!
- [English Muttering]
[Bough] Sir, you can't go
to Sauvage's reception in this state.
The effect of the drug
has practically worn off.
I'm ''fline''--
''schline''--
uh, ''gline''--
## [Orchestra]
- Monsieur.
- Ah. Thank you.
[Glass Shatters]
- Would you like another?
- Please.
Thank you.
[Groans]
What in God's name--
Ah, Foreign ''Sebretarary.''
Um--
[Moans]
Aah!
- ## [Up-tempo]
- Shall we dance?
[Groans]
Excuse me, sir.
I'm very sorry to interrupt--
Pascal, how nice
to see you again.
- Enjoying the party?
- Oh, splendid affair.
I was until I was informed
that your man English...
and his curious boyfriend here
have spent the evening...
breaking into my office
and assaulting my staff.
- Is this true, Bough?
- Well, we-- we--
What do you think
you're up to?
- Sir, if I could just offer--
- Go home, Bough!
Now!
I gave you direct orders
not to meddle with Sauvage.
What do you do? Break into his office
and assault two of his staff.
Then you march in here, loaded with God
knows what, and insult the foreign secretary.
I haven't encountered such
behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years.
- But--
- There are no ''buts'', English.
You're off the case. Your security
clearance is hereby cancelled.
After a three-month leave of absence,
you will return at your old grade.
And I hope never
to hear your name again.
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Sauvage]
English has seen too much.
We go to Plan B.
Get rid of
the fake archbishop...
and green-light
the visit to Her Majesty.
Then this pathetic country
can humiliate itself...
by crowning me officially.
THE QUEEN'S RESIDENCE
AT SANDRINGHAM
That's a letter
of abdication...
renouncing your claims
to the throne...
and the claims
of your entire family.
Sign it.
Never!
[Yelps]
- [Gun Cocks]
- [Whimpers]
[Dog Barks]
- [Rings]
- Yes?
Prime Minister, sorry to call so late,
but I'm afraid the queen is abdicating.
What?
Abdicated?
But that's not possible.
I only wish that were true.
- Let me talk to her. Maybe she just--
- Pascal, she's gone.
My people have spent
the last 10 hours...
trying to track down
the rightful heir to the throne...
and they've come up with a name,
which they've double-checked.
Who is it?
- It's you.
- No!
## [Whistling]
[Radio Announcer] In the wake
of the return of the Crown Jewels...
to a police station
in North London,
Pascal Sauvage has requested
that his coronation...
take place this Thursday.
In the House, the prime minister said he
was looking forward to the ceremony...
and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage
will make a fine king...
and will bring all that is best about
modern Europe to our ancient institutions.
[Doorbell Ringing]
Get your car keys.
We've got work to do.
- Miss Campbell.
- Sauvage is heading back to France.
He's invited 13 of the richest criminal
masterminds in the world to meet him there.
I'm sorry, Miss Campbell.
I'm off the case.
It's been reassigned.
I know.
Reassigned to me.
- I want you with me.
- Just leave me alone.
Are you gonna sit here in this
grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself?
Or are you gonna get out there
and save your country?
I'm gonna sit in the flat.
- Johnny, this is ridiculous.
- I'm a spent force.
Spent, my ass.
Ow.
Will... you...
please... stop?
[Groans]
I'll just be a minute.
NORTHERN FRANCE
It'll be nightfall in an hour.
Then we can strike out for the chateau.
The fact is, the moment Sauvage
gets that crown on his head,
he'll be able to do whatever he likes
with the country that I love,
and that is why you and I
have got to stop him.
- Relishing the thought?
- Something like that.
I suppose you've made love
to lots of women, haven't you, Johnny?
Uh--
Uh, well, you know,
one does one's best.
It's just--
Well, it's been three years
since my fianc left me,
and since then I haven't
made love to anyone.
But then I met you...
and I felt this...
hunger...
deep down inside.
I wanted to say things to you,
I wanted to do things to you...
that I haven't wanted to do
in a very, very, very long time.
[Gulps]
What, uh--
What sort of things
are we talking about?
Things like
punching you in the face,
kicking you in the backside for being
such a pompous, know-nothing asshole.
But then I started to see beyond
the idiot that everybody else saw.
I started to see
the man on the inside...
who was determined to do his duty,
no matter what or who lay in his way.
And I began to feel
other things for him,
to want to do
other things for him.
Things...
involving plastic toys
and soft cheese?
- What? [Scoffs]
- What? What?
You're toying with me. You're telling me
to stop in the gentlest way you know how.
No. N-N-No--
You're such a special person...
not to take advantage of me
while I'm vulnerable.
- N-No-- Well--
- So thank you...
for being such a gentleman.
Not at all.
I know what you're thinking,
Miss Campbell.
If we don't pull this off, God knows
what might happen to England.
Actually, I was thinking there must be
a better way in than that pipe.
Well, there isn't.
I've analysed it from every angle,
and this is the best option.
I'll go in first, and if it's a clear
way through, I'll call down.
Johnny.
- Be careful.
- I'm always careful.
Ohh.
[Gagging, Coughing]
[Fart]
[Toilets Flushing]
- [Tapping On Glass]
- Gentlemen.
In a few hours time...
I will become
the next king of England.
[Whispers]
Oh, no.
Hyah--
[Gagging, Coughing]
- How did you get here?
- Up the ladder.
Pull yourself together.
It's only a bit of poo.
Oh! Oh, it's cold!
It's cold!
What is the one commodity...
the world never seems
to run out of?
Criminals, gentlemen.
- [Guests Murmuring]
- Lawbreakers.
Every nation in the world
struggles...
with the issue
of overcrowded prisons.
So, what do we do
with all these villains?
Find the solution
to that problem...
and the governments of the world
would pay you through their nose.
Fortunately,
I have found a solution.
We empty every prison
on the entire planet,
we take the resulting
tidal wave of human scum...
and we put it here.
[Gasping, Murmuring]
The moment
I am crowned king,
I will turn England
into the largest prison...
in the history
of the world.
of prime real estate...
conveniently separated
from true civilization...
by 20 miles of ocean...
- and soon to be available...
- Come on.
for the entire world
to dump its human waste in.
According to
current projections,
we will not run out of prison space
for the next 500 years.
So, tonight one,
and only one, of you...
will leave here
owning 49 percent...
of this venture.
So that's his little game.
We must get hold of that DVD.
But how, Johnny?
There's only two of us.
You're young, Miss Campbell,
and inexperienced.
What you seem to
have forgotten is that...
[Over P.A. Speaker]
nobody knows we are here.
At our disposal we have
the vital element of surprise.
Now, my plan is simple
but effective.
I shall drop from the gallery at this end
of the room and take Sauvage prisoner.
You will then enter from the far door,
cutting off any means of escape.
Then, using Sauvage as a hostage,
we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?
Get 'em up,
you French ponce.
But, Mr English,
I'm gobsmacked!
What an unexpected surprise.
Surprises are very much
my speciality, Sauvage.
I think we've seen
enough of this.
I know exactly what you're planning,
and I'm here to put a stop to it.
My bottom will be king of England
before you are.
Wrong again.
Perhaps you'd care
to look behind you.
Oh, please.
[Weapons Cock]
Lorna!
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Well, I'm afraid
that we'll have to...
conclude the floor show
for tonight.
Not so fast, Sauvage.
You may have taken me,
but you'll never take England.
Not as long as I have
breath in my body...
or a bullet in my gun.
[Click]
You know, Mr English,
I'm going to miss you. Really.
You're very entertaining.
I thank you.
Take them away.
[Radio Announcer]
Good morning, everybody,
and welcome to
the breakfast show.
[Speaking French]
As the crowds are gathering here for
the crowning of our first French king...
since the year 1066,
call here at London FM with the top ten
things you most love about the French.
We haven't had
any calls yet, uh, at all,
but the lines are still open
and I'll give you that number again--
zero, deux, zero, sept--
This is not good,
Johnny.
We've got to think
of something.
[Johnny]
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Hop! Hop!
And hop! And hop!
And stop!
Now, are you familiar...
with the shaman throat warblers
of the Guatemalan delta?
What?
It has long been
their belief...
that a whistle pitched at the precise
resonant frequency of a metal lock...
will vibrate the levers in such a way
that the door will simply swing open.
Unbelievable.
- And kneel.
- [Groaning]
Right. Here goes.
[Whistle: Ascending Tone]
- [Sighs]
- [Whistle Continues]
[Tone Goes Silent]
- I can't hear anything.
- I'm into ultrasonic.
Will you just stop all this
and face facts?
We've failed. The only thing
that can save us now is a miracle.
- [Rasping Tone]
- [Lock Clicks]
It worked!
- Ohh!
- Sir?
I don't know why you hauled yourself up
that dreadful poo tube, Bough,
when there was a perfectly good ladder
right beside it.
Now, Sauvage may have
fooled the country...
with his fake archbishop
and his secret agenda,
but he hasn't fooled me.
- So, here's the plan.
- [Gasps]
## [Orchestra, Chorus: Majestic]
# Let all good people
rejoice #
[Chorus]
# Rejoice #
- # Rejoice #
- Aaah!
# Let all good people
rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# And sing ##
Sirs, you are hereby called
to witness the anointing...
of your one true lord
and future king Pascal.
Pascal, are you willing
to take the oath?
I am willing.
Then be thou anointed...
with this holy oil.
And do you, the chosen bishops
of England, Scotland and Wales,
ascent to this anointing?
For Scotland, I do.
For Wales, I do.
For England, I do not!
- [Congregation Gasping, Murmuring]
- English!
That man must not be crowned king
because he is...
a fraudster, a charlatan
and a thief.
No, please.
Let him speak.
It is this man,
Pascal Sauvage,
who stole the Crown Jewels,
who forced the queen
to abdicate...
and who would kill anyone
who got in his way.
It is the end,
Herr English.
[Yells]
[English] He has cheated,
conned and manipulated...
this great country
for his own ends.
He's fooled you all!
What's more,
this whole ceremony is a sham...
because that man
standing in front of you...
is not the archbishop
of Canterbury.
[Congregation Gasps]
English, a word of advice.
Don't go there.
Shut it, Frenchy. I'll go
wherever I damn well please.
- Now take it off.
- What?
Your face
is made of plastic.
Remove it at once.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Right. I'll just have to
remove it myself.
Come on!
[Grunting, Muttering]
- Maybe it pulls up from the front.
- [Archbishop Groaning]
Come on, you!
- Aaah!
- Thank you very much.
Must be a join here
somewhere.
Fascinating performance
as always, Monsieur English,
but I'm afraid
We must move on.
Nobody's moving anywhere until I'm
finished with this piece of low-life.
Do you or do you you not...
have tattooed on your bottom
the words,
''Jesus is coming--
look busy''?
- [Congregation Murmuring]
- Are you insane?
Well, let's find out,
shall we?
Go on, over.
Let's have a look.
[Screaming, Gasping]
- [Laughing Hysterically]
- Excellent!
All right, so I was wrong
about the archbishop's bottom.
- But there's more.
- But not, I'm afraid, today.
Sergeant, please
take this man away.
- But be gentle with him.
- Do you think that's it?
You think I don't have
more evidence?
My loyal subordinate
is standing by with a DVD...
which shows Sauvage's
hideous plans for this country.
Get him out!
Get him out of here!
- Play it, Bough! Play the disk!
- Play it! Now!
## [Upbeat Pop]
- [Lip Synching]
- # You're so hot teasing me #
# So you're blue, but I can't
take a chance on a chick like you #
# It's somethin'
I couldn't do #
# Well, I can dance with you, honey
if you think it's funny #
# Does your mother know
that you're out #
# And I could shout with you, baby
Flirt a little, maybe #
# Does your mother know
that you're out #
- # Take it easy #
- # Take it easy #
# Better slow down, girl
That's no way to go #
# Does your mother know #
## [Continues]
- Oi!
- Hey!
[Mutters In French]
Well, shall we?
[Sighs]
[Archbishop]
Then as Solomon was anointed king...
by Zadok the priest
and Nathan the prophet,
so be thou anointed...
and consecrated king...
over all the peoples...
whom the Lord thy God...
hath given thee to govern...
and of all your possessions,
wherever they may be.
And so,
in the name of the Father...
and of the Son...
and of the Holy Ghost,
I crown you--
[Congregation Gasping]
[Groans]
Damn it!
- Give it back!
- No!
- That is my crown!
- Never!
- Give it back!
- Never in a million years, Sauvage!
- Give it to me!
- Get off.
Merde!
[Shouting In French]
Give it back!
- Stop!
- Shut up!
[All Gasping]
All this stupid little country
have to do is stand in line...
and do what it's told
for one miserable day!
But can it do that?
My fragrant French ass,
it can!
[Gunshot]
Merde!
- [Gunshot]
- Aah!
Give it! The crown, eh?
The crown! Go!
[Shouting In French]
And so, in the name
of the Father...
and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost,
I crown you...
king.
What--
Arrest that man...
and lock him away.
[Congregation Cheering]
# God save the king
Long live the king #
# God save the king #
## [Chorus Continues]
# Amen, amen, amen, amen
Amen, amen #
## [Continues]
# Ahh, amen, amen
Amen, hallelujah #
# Amen #
[Cheering, Applause]
[Continue]
# God save the king ##
Words can hardly express just how much
we appreciate everything you've done.
Nothing more
than my duty, ma'am.
And in return, is there anything that
your queen and country can do for you?
Well,
since one is asking,
ma'am--
[Radio Announcer] In celebration
of her return to the throne,
the queen has declared
August 5 a national holiday...
and has conferred a knighthood
on the unnamed MI7 agent...
responsible for foiling the plot of
French businessman Pascal Sauvage.
Mr Sauvage is now awaiting trial
for high treason,
a crime which still
carries the death penalty.
If found guilty, he's asked that his
brain be donated to medical science...
to further research into the causes
of hyper manic schizophrenia.
Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent
has left the country...
and has already embarked
on his next challenging mission.
SOMEWHERE
IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE
[Lorna]
Sir Johnny English.
Her Majesty
did seem very grateful.
She's not the only one.
Mmm. You are
full of surprises.
Aaaah!
- Johnny!
- Oh, f--
# One eye on the shadows #
# Protecting his fellows #
# From sunup
to the moon on his back #
# Sendin' villains to Hades
A hit with the ladies #
# A stallion in the sack #
# You can't get your life back
when right follows left, jack #
# The more you see
the less you know #
# When others would leak it
his service is secret #
# Plays God
when it's your time to go #
# Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous #
# When they made him
they broke the mould #
# So charismatic
with an automatic #
# Never prematurely
shooting his load, ha #
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone
But safe at home #
# But safe at home
But safe at home #
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone
But safe at home #
# Queen and country
Safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# But safe at home #
# Oh-Oh-Ohh, yeah ##
[Toys Squeaking]
[Dogs Whimpering]
[Guns Cocking]
Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36.
Quite deadly in the right hands.
Ah, Agent One.
I have been so looking
forward to this moment.
Well, in that case,
I'll try not to disappoint.
You overestimate your power
over women, Mr English.
I'd say that would be
virtually impossible.
Sir? Sir?
- Sir! Have you got them?
- [Gasps]
- Hmm?
- The mission documents. Agent One's flying tonight.
Yes, the mission documents.
They're here somewhere. Ah, here we are.
Agent One.
Gentlemen.
I'm here for my documents.
Bough, Agent One's
documents, please.
- [Clears Throat]
- Thank you.
Your mission documents,
Agent One.
Including the codes for the submarine
hatch, which I've checked myself.
Thank you.
So, is it just France tonight, or will you
be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?
If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
Oh.
[Nervous Chuckle]
[Muttering] Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I expect you would.
Cheerio, Agent One.
Bonne chance.
Arrivederci.
Such class.
Such distinction.
[Bell Tolling] To: MI7 All Depts. Urgent!
Agent One killed in action in Biarritz.
Submarine hatch failed to open.
The greatest secret agent England's
ever had snuffed out in an instant.
Terrible.
Do you know what makes us envied
the world over, Bough?
- That there's always another agent waiting to step in.
- Absolutely, sir.
And every last one of them
is gathered around that grave.
It is our honour and privilege
to guard them while they grieve.
Their lives are in our hands, Bough.
[Tyres Screeching]
Everything in order, English?
I think you'll find it's rather
more than just in order, sir.
You're now entering the most secure
location in the whole of England.
[Cow Mooing]
[Man] Pegasus,
we face a national crisis.
Agent One was clearly onto something,
and we have to find out what.
I need another agent on this.
Who else is there?
No one, Prime Minister.
They all died in the explosion.
All of them?
Well, luckily there is
one who survived.
Who?
# One eye on the shadows #
# Protecting his fellows #
- # From sunup till the moon on his back #
- [Grunting]
- # Sendin' villains to Hades a hit with the ladies #
- Johnny English.
# A stallion in the sack #
- # You can't get your life back when right follows left, Jack #
- [Groaning]
# The more you see
the less you know #
# When others would leak it
His service is secret #
# Plays God
when it's your time to go #
# Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous #
# When they made him
they broke the mould #
# So charismatic
with an automatic #
# Never prematurely
shooting his load #
Hah!
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I wouldn't have a clue
who's doin' what, why, when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe
Watch out #
# For the man
for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
- # But safe at home #
- # But safe at home #
- # Oh, yeah, yeah #
- # But safe at home #
# But safe at home
But safe at home #
# Then you and I wouldn't have a clue
who's doin' what, why, when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe
Watch out #
# For the man
for all seasons #
# Loves 'em and leaves 'em
alone, so alone #
# But safe at home ##
Right.
Johnny English.
I'm here to see Pegasus.
Still, no sense rushing things.
There are some items you need
to sign before your briefing.
This is your new retinal I.D. card,
and this is your level
nine security clearance.
Sign and date, please.
Ah.
Oh, reminds me of the old
service issue ballpoint.
I remember every agent would
carry a pen that looked just like this.
Completely innocent to the
untrained eye, but click it twice--
[Gasps]
Ah, English, there you are.
Have you seen my secretary?
Um... she went out.
Um... shall we?
Now, Agent One believed that there
was a plot to steal the Crown Jewels.
They've recently been through
a multimillion-pound restoration,
largely paid for by a corporate sponsor.
They're due to be unveiled
tonight at the Tower of London.
The queen is insisting that the ceremony
goes ahead, so what we want you to--
Hah! Who-- Who--
Who is the sponsor, sir?
Pascal Sauvage.
What, that flouncy Frenchman
who owns a couple of prisons?
Sauvage's L7 billion empire,
English,
operates over 400 prisons
in 60 countries.
- He's built 25 of them here.
- Right, sir.
The man's related to the royal family,
for goodness'sake.
As far as the prime minister's concerned,
he's one of the greatest friends England's got.
Now, English, I want you at the Tower
tonight, monitoring this unveiling.
Any chink in security,
any weakness,
however slight,
must be plugged immediately.
Do we understand each other?
- Perfectly, sir.
- Good.
- Oh, yes.
- And, uh, English...
we can't afford any mistakes--
not tonight.
The word ''mistake'' sir, is not one
that appears in my dictionary.
THE TOWER OF LONDON
[Engine Revs]
Fantastic car, sir!
Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony
Chevenix, head of Royal Security.
Ah, Colonel, good evening.
- Snipers posted on the roof as per my request?
- Thirteen of them.
- Windows?
- Refitted with bullet and shatter-proof glass.
I shall now mingle
inconspicuously with the guests.
- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.
- Very good.
Shall I mingle with you, sir?
Oh, yes, Bough.
Once you've checked the roof.
[Screaming]
Help! Help!
Well, hello.
Hello yourself.
Johnny English.
Lorna Campbell.
A Bloody Mary, please,
not too spicy.
So, are you here in
some professional capacity?
I worked on the restoration of the jewels.
- Intriguing.
- And yourself?
If I told you that,
I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
I'd like to see you try.
Monsieur Sauvage,
on behalf of Her Majesty,
may I welcome you to the Tower.
Merci, monsieur.
So, are you here alone,
Mr English?
That's how I choose
to live my life, Miss Campbell.
Women want safety, security.
I can offer them nothing but danger.
Some women find danger very attractive.
Women like you, Miss Campbell?
Women like me expect men like you...
to find that out for yourself.
Hmm.
Madame.
Oh, it's for me, actually. Could your
rustle up some of those cheesy niblets?
Now, where were we?
You obviously haven't met
our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
No, thank God.
You know, I think I'd rather have
my bottom impaled on a giant cactus...
than exchange pleasantries
with that jumped-up Frenchman.
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing
the French should host is an invasion.
[Snickers]
Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell. I've been so
looking forward to meeting you.
- Enchant.
- [Muttering]
But of course! You're Johnny English.
I've heard all about you.
And between you and me,
I'm not so keen on the French myself.
But please don't tell them that.
Let me go and search
for your nibbly cheese bits.
- No, no, no. I--
- I insist. The French are, after all, fantastic waiters.
- The best in the world.
- Well-- But-But--
- Wait here, and I will wait on you.
- No, really. There's no--
No. Please, please, please!
Hmm. Les Franais.
Ils sont very...
n'est-ce pas?
Ladies and gentlemen,
mesdames est messieurs,
bienvenus, welcome tonight
to this wonderful occasion.
As we stand here
in the Tower of London,
the most famous prison
in the world,
where these wonderful
jewels will rest safely...
under lock and key,
I want to thank you...
for giving me
this wonderful experience...
to contribute to the restoration
of these jewels.
It was, as we say in France,
le top, le best of.
- [Feigned Chuckle]
- And what a beautiful--
[Screaming]
[Grunts]
[Woman Screams]
It's Colonel Chevenix! He's got
a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?
The assailant.
He ran in here.
Bough, you guard the door.
Aha!
[Grunting]
[Pounding, Grunting]
For God's sake, Bough, don't come in.
The man's a maniac!
- [Guests Gasp]
- You don't frighten me!
- [Glass Shatters]
- Missed!
[Guests Gasping]
[Grunting Continues]
[Karate Yells]
[Body Falls]
- [Guests Gasping]
- I've managed to subdue the assailant.
The panic's over.
Everything's under control.
- [Applause]
- [Chevenix Groans]
Thank you. And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
we should compose ourselves
for the arrival of Her Majesty...
and return to the site
of our great nation's...
magnificently restored
Crown Jewels.
[All Gasping]
I know. I feel it too.
The very symbols
of our island nation,
so close we could almost
reach out and--
- ## [Trumpet Fanfare]
- Pray silence for Her Majesty the Queen.
[Queen]
Oh, where are the jewels?
[Pegasus]
It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
I couldn't agree more, sir.
Well, we need to get these
jewels back, English, and fast.
Tell me about this assailant. When they
searched the room, there was no sign of him.
Well, the man was clearly
a professional.
He must have escaped while
the queen was being sedated.
But he's the only lead we've got.
We have to find him.
Come in. This is--
This is Roger from Data Support.
Please sit down. He'll produce
a likeness based on your description.
So tell us,
what did this man look like?
Um... well...
he was... big.
- Hair colour?
- Um... orange.
- Orange?
- Mmm. And curly.
Well, frizzy, actually.
Frizzy sort of thing.
- Frizzy.
- An eyepatch.
Broken nose.
Very few teeth.
Two, I would say,
at the most.
And a scar on his cheek...
in the shape... of a banana.
- Which cheek?
- Both cheeks.
They sort of met in the middle.
Are you sure about this, English?
[Gasps] Oh, yes, that's him.
An uncanny resemblance.
Why, it's just as if
he's in the room with us.
[Horn Honking, Tyres Screeching]
Wow! Look at this, sir.
Got all the bells and whistles.
Never mind about the gadgets.
Just focus on the case.
[Horn Honks]
[Engine Revs]
Oh, uh--
Good morning, gentlemen.
Thank you very much for waiting.
Now, the question that faces us
this morning is a simple one.
Namely, how did the thieves gain access
to this highly secure environment...
and then escape
with the jewels afterwards?
A simple question, but one
which I believe has a complex answer.
- Actually, sir--
- Uh, please, Bough. My mind is at work.
Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen,
is that the master criminal...
sees not a room
but a series of opportunities.
Should I go in
through the window?
Possibly.
- Should I drop down from the ceiling?
- Actually, sir--
There's one thing I think
we can be fairly confident about,
that is that they didn't
come up through the floor--
I've got you, sir.
That's all right.
Just come my way, Bough.
- That'll bring me right over the hole, sir.
- There's no need to panic.
Can you see
the bottom yet, Bough?
Not yet, sir. The shaft
appears to be narrowing.
I'm just a little bit worried
I might get stuck.
Trust me, Bough. You won't
get stuck if you just keep moving.
Yes, sir.
[Bough Grunting]
I'm okay, sir.
Are you at the bottom
now, Bough?
No, I am in fact stuck now, sir.
Oh, for God's sake, Bough.
Stay there! I'm coming down.
Uh, I'm not especially sure
that's a good idea, sir.
Don't Worry.
Be careful, sir!
Gently does it.
- [Screaming]
- Sir?
- Are you all right, sir?
- Yes. I landed on something quite soft.
- That was me, sir.
- Oh, good.
What now?
There's no way back
up there, that's for sure.
But this must lead somewhere.
I'm slightly uncomfortable in the dark, sir.
There's nothing
to worry about, Bough.
- It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
- Can we, sir? How?
The Bedouin monks of
the Al Maghreb mountains...
developed a system of sonic chanting.
- I see, sir.
- The sound of their chanting...
would bounce back
off any obstacles,
and using their highly tuned ears...
they could paint a mental
picture of the path ahead.
- Brilliant, sir.
- However, you must always sing in E-flat.
## [Humming]
# E-flat, E-flat, E-flat #
# Thank you for the music
The songs I'm singing #
- Is it working, sir?
- Extremely well, thank you, Bough.
# Thanks for all the joy that-- ##
- [Thud]
- Ow!
You all right, sir? I think
I can see something, sir.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
[Quiet Chattering]
[Man]
Here is the long one.
[Man #2]
It is a long one.
Careful.
- I knew it.
- Shall we call for backup, sir?
What? And watch some fat-bottomed
bobby make our arrest for us?
I don't think so.
Good morning, gentlemen.
MI7 at your service.
Observe, Bough, the dull
incompetence of the criminal mind.
It can never hope to match
our level of technical expertise.
- [Tyres Screeching]
- [Coughing]
- You've got it.
- [Bough] What do we do now, sir?
Watch and learn, Bough.
- They're too far ahead of us.
- Have faith, Bough. They're heading south.
[Nuns Screaming]
- There they are, sir!
- Just as I thought.
- Hang on tight, Bough.
- [Bough Groaning]
- [Horns Honking]
- We're never gonna catch them in this.
- Take the wheel, Bough. I'm getting in the Aston.
- Sir?
[Truck Horn Honking]
Change places, Bough.
I'm getting out the other side.
Sir?
Set, Bough. Take me up.
Swing me out, Bough!
- Whoa.
- Down.
- [Horn Honking]
- Up! Up!
Sorry!
Bough, pull out!
Ow! Ow!
Those idiots are right behind us.
Faster!
[Horns Honking]
Uh-huh.
[Beeping]
[Horn Honking]
Drop me here, Bough!
Ow! Oh.
No! No! No!
[Bough]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Engine Starts, Revs]
[English] They're turning into
the Brompton Cemetery.
Get here as soon as you can.
I'm going in.
In a wheelchair. But Geoffrey
overcame these terrible disabilities...
with that simple resilience
and sunny optimism...
that so warmed
all of us who knew him,
spending the rest of his life
in the service...
of the poor and disabled
of this parish.
It's very good.
Really very good.
No, no, please go on.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
- It's very entertaining.
- Who's that?
That priest act of yours should keep the
other prisoners entertained for hours.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are
my manners? Johnny English,
British Secret Service,
and you are all under arrest.
I must say you've done
this whole thing very well.
The attention to detail
is excellent.
You, the grieving granny,
you're very convincing.
Oh, look. Real tears.
Do you get paid extra for that?
Ahh, what we're all here for.
I know! Why don't we
take a look inside?
- [Mourners Gasp]
- Oh, you've nailed it down!
Why would you do that?
I know you're gonna come back
in two weeks and dig it up again.
## [Hums]
Now, what are you playing in this
little vignette of deceit and villainy?
I'm the hearse driver.
- You're the hearse driver?
- Yes, sir.
- You're the hearse driver?
- Yes, sir.
Ah! Aha!
There you are... Gunther.
Uh, I do hope he hasn't
made a nuisance of himself.
I'm Doctor, um...
Bough, of the Lunatic Response Unit.
I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't
supposed to be released until 2028.
Isn't that right, Gunther?
Yes, yes, there's been
the most monumental cock-up.
Um, if you'll excuse me,
with the deepest respect,
utmost sympathy.
Uh, he hasn't urinated
on anyone, has he?
- No.
- No, no.
That's a blessing. Are you
gonna give me the gun, Gunther?
There. That wasn't too difficult, was it?
- Are you going to come home now?
- [Speaking Gibberish]
[Speaking Gibberish]
Oh... in the van!
Yes, we are going in the van.
Yes, yes.
Vroom, vroom.
- Vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom.
- Yes. Yeah.
- [Gibberish]
- Yes. He's waving good-bye. Good-bye, everyone.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye, Gunther.
Mind the nice dead people.
There we go.
[Squeaks]
Oh, we'll just go to the path
here. There. Big step.
It's a graveyard. It's
where they bring people--
Yes, all right.
You can stop now.
- For appearances, I'll just hold your arm.
- Just keep walking.
In fact, run, run, run!
I can't believe I've done this.
I mean, I really
cannot believe I've done this!
You see, 200 years ago,
my family should have inherited
the throne of England,
but they were cast aside.
Well, in a few very short days,
it will be back where it belongs.
With me.
Shall I try it on?
Yes? No? Maybe?
To make you king, we need the
archbishop of Canterbury to do that.
The archbishop of Canterbury...
is being taken care of even as we speak.
TARGET ACQUIRED
TARGET LOCKED
There's only one thing, sir.
What are we going to do about English?
If I were you, I wouldn't worry
too much about English.
He is no threat to us.
I had his flat bugged.
[Karate Yells]
- [Yells]
- [Duck Squeaks]
Clearly, the aptly named
English is a fool.
He might be a fool, but he's
a fool who keeps showing up.
Well, the next time
he shows up,
eliminate him.
Thank you.
Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir.
Released from prison six months ago.
Armed robbery,
grievous bodily harm...
and combined parking
fines of more than 400--
Uh, yes, all right. Thank you, Bough.
I think we get the picture.
The point is, sir,
that Vendetta and Klein...
are both in the employ
of Monsieur Sauvage.
- Pascal Sauvage?
- Precisely, sir.
But you're not suggesting
Sauvage is involved?
I think he's more
than just involved, sir.
I'm convinced he's
up to his French neck in it.
Don't be absurd. Sauvage
employs thousands of people.
Just because two of them
are villains doesn't mean that he is.
I want him discounted from this
investigation immediately.
Yes, sir.
All right. Tonight I shall be at Sauvage's
reception for the new French ambassador.
Any developments,
you can reach me there.
Apart from that, I don't want you
within a hundred miles of the man.
Absolutely, sir.
Requisition order: MI7 quartermasters
for immediate supply;
one military transport plane, fully fueled,
with permission for nighttime city over flight;
two night camouflage parachutes, plus reserves,
plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black.
I've never liked the navy blue.
And a 40-inch chest for me
'cause I need the sleeve length.
- Morning, Felch.
- Morning.
Oh, and two Special Forces signet rings,
primed and colour-coded.
- What's all this for?
- For tonight's operation.
We're going to break into
Sauvage's headquarters.
- But Pegasus said--
- Let me worry about Pegasus.
I know that Sauvage is behind all this,
and tonight we're going to get the evidence.
- Is something wrong, sir?
- Did that sound like Felch to you?
[Whispers]
Bough--
[Whispers]
You, upstairs.
[Grunts, Groans]
Ow.
Can you see him, Bough?
He's on the upper level, sir.
Got him.
And like a coiled viper...
he strikes.
[Bough Groans]
So what you're saying, sir,
is there must have been two of them?
Oh, at least, Bough. Possibly four.
I wonder why I didn't see them.
You mustn't dwell on your mistakes.
- You must learn from them, then move on.
- Yes, sir.
- So where were you, sir?
- Just drop it, Bough!
- Aah! What is it, sir?
- That bike.
You get things sorted out for tonight.
Well, well, we meet again.
Mr English. What a pleasant surprise.
I wondered when
you might show up again.
On the contrary, Miss Campbell. It is
not I who keeps showing up. It's you.
Do you like sushi?
Hmm?
Oh, sushi! I practically
live off the stuff.
You might say the mysteries
of the Orient are no mystery to me.
- Sake?
- Ah. Sake.
[Speaking Japanese]
Cheers.
May all your daughters
be born with three bottoms.
Now then, perhaps
you can explain how it is...
that I run into you
at two crime scenes...
and then can't find any record of you
on a single government computer.
Shouldn't you ask
the government that?
I am the government
and I'm asking you.
Let me.
Mmm. You're brave.
They say that sea urchin's
the ultimate acquired taste.
Hmm. It's a personal
favourite of mine.
I think people are put off
by how it feeds through its bottom.
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
[Gagging]
[Shouting In Japanese]
Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from MI7.
Sorry. I'm a secret agent.
- Everything set, Bough?
- Just about, sir.
Actually, sir, do you mind if I
run through the plan one more time?
- No, no.
- These are the two buildings here.
This one is our target, Sauvage's
headquarters, next to City Hospital.
I jump first and land
on the south side of the roof,
abseil down 14 floors and
cut through this window here.
[English] I then land on the east side
and abseil down 12 floors.
Where you wait for my signal
that I've disabled the alarm system.
- Yes.
- You them break into this window here,
work your way along the secure corridor
and penetrate Sauvage's office.
- Yes, yes.
- Is that okay, sir?
It's been okay ever since
I thought up the idea, Bough.
Oh, I nearly forgot, sir.
Your laser beacon.
- My what?
- Your laser beacon!
It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building.
Your dependence on hardware
really does amuse me, Bough.
I've been dropped into
the Kalahari Desert...
carrying nothing more than a toothbrush
and a packet of sherbet lemons,
and I still found my way to
Bulawayo before Ramadan.
So thank you, Bough,
but no thank you.
- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Bough, go!
Geronimo!
- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Fandango!
Ugh! Ai-yi-yi.
Right.
- [Beeps]
- Alarm's disabled, sir.
Roger that, Bough.
[Grunts, Groans]
This is worse
than I thought, Bough.
Sauvage has got some kind
of laboratory set up here.
God knows what kind
of sick operation he's running.
[Door Opens]
My God, what
have they done to you?
They've taken some of my blood.
- Bastards!
- It's only for tests.
Of course it is.
Come on, my friend.
Let's get you out of here
before they take anything else.
[Groaning]
Ah! Good evening,
Dr Frankenstein.
This way, please.
Come on. I haven't got all night.
And you, you angels of death.
About turn. Come on, let's go.
Come on, come on.
Keep moving.
Come on. Over there. I know
what you're doing here. And you.
Come on. Quicker. Quicker.
Over there.
Now then,
perhaps you could direct me
to your evil paymaster.
- What are you talking about?
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Where is the office
of Pascal Sauvage?
Are you coming over here
in a minute, sir?
I'm from MI7.
This has been a test of your
emergency response systems,
and I have to say
you've all done extremely well.
Right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
And, uh, get well soon.
Oh, God!
Sir. Sir.
[Exhales]
Did you just land
on the wrong building?
I did a precautionary sweep
of the immediate environment.
Right.
- And everything was fine.
- Good.
Okay, let's go.
I will be downstairs
at the reception--
- That's far enough.
- Well, good evening.
- Perhaps you'd like this as well.
- What is it?
- Let me show you.
- Aah!
Well executed, Bough,
but completely redundant.
- How do you mean, sir?
- Super-strength muscle relaxant.
When he wakes up, he'll be
as floppy as a damp old sock.
[Men Conversing, Indistinct]
What's this?
That's the face of
the archbishop of Canterbury.
[English]
What are they doing?
[English] What's this got to do
with the Crown Jewels?
Bough.
[Beep, Whirring]
[Bough]
English.
A people whose empire
once covered...
one quarter of the surface
of the earth.
Alas, no longer.
My friends ask me, ''Pascal,
how can you be so interested...
in such a backward,
grotty little country?''
My answer is simple:
the queen.
The queen has more power
in her tiny white gloves...
than any other head of state
in the entire world.
She can declare war
or make peace,
and most intriguingly...
she can seize any piece of land
which takes her fancy.
Of course,
the queen never uses...
the enormous power
afforded to her.
But imagine someone
who would use that power.
Imagine, say, me.
But how could he do that, sir?
How could he make himself king?
The archbishop.
- [Sauvage Continues, Indistinct]
- [Door Opens]
Ow.
Hands up.
There's a good fellow.
Heavily armed for a late night
at the office.
You fool, English. You'll never
get out of the building alive.
I'd save your breath
for my questioning.
I'm not telling you
anything.
Incorrect.
Sodium pentothal.
- I won't lie to you. It's a truth serum.
- [Groans]
Now then, why does Sauvage
want to have himself crowned?
You have no idea
what's going on here, do you?
[Chuckles] It would be funny
if it wasn't so ''pablibblit''.
What?
[Mumbling Gibberish]
- He's talking gibberish, sir.
- I can hear that.
[Groans]
- He's collapsed onto me, sir.
- I can see that.
- You don't think you could've got the syringes mixed up?
- What?
Given the guard outside truth serum
and given Klein the muscle relaxant?
Aah!
Don't be ridiculous, Bough.
I think I know my right from my left.
- Sir?
- Oh, bugger it.
Bough, take ''flodd''.
- Take what, sir?
- ''Flodd''. ''Schlage''.
- I'm not quite getting that second word, sir.
- ''Schlaaaagh!''
- Write it down, sir.
- ''Schlaaaagh!''
Yes!
[Muttering Gibberish]
''C.'' C-A-- Uh--
Car! Take the car!
We came by plane.
[Muttering Gibberish]
Bugger off!
- Hold it right there.
- [Groans]
- What's wrong with them?
- I'm not telling you.
Wrong answer.
What is it with you two?
Huh?
[Groaning]
Let's get outta here.
Sorry, but who are you, exactly?
Special Agent Campbell.
I'm attached to Interpol in Paris.
We've been watching
Sauvage for months.
Why?
Because every major convict released
from a Sauvage prison in six months...
has been employed
by one of his companies.
We believe he's recruiting them
for a major criminal conspiracy.
- We just don't know what yet.
- [English Mumbles Gibberish]
- What did he say?
- Pegasus!
We have to report
to Pegasus!
Oh, no, sir.
No, no, no.
- How do we get out of here?
- Hey, you tWo!
What you did to me really hurt.
Yeah. Sorry about that. How do we
get out of here without being seen?
Okay.
Left by the fountain, right by the fire
exit, to the elevator at the end.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
Nice job, Bough.
- Left, sir. Left!
- [English Muttering]
[Bough] Sir, you can't go
to Sauvage's reception in this state.
The effect of the drug
has practically worn off.
I'm ''fline''--
''schline''--
uh, ''gline''--
## [Orchestra]
- Monsieur.
- Ah. Thank you.
[Glass Shatters]
- Would you like another?
- Please.
Thank you.
[Groans]
What in God's name--
Ah, Foreign ''Sebretarary.''
Um--
[Moans]
Aah!
- ## [Up-tempo]
- Shall we dance?
[Groans]
Excuse me, sir.
I'm very sorry to interrupt--
Pascal, how nice
to see you again.
- Enjoying the party?
- Oh, splendid affair.
I was until I was informed
that your man English...
and his curious boyfriend here
have spent the evening...
breaking into my office
and assaulting my staff.
- Is this true, Bough?
- Well, we-- we--
What do you think
you're up to?
- Sir, if I could just offer--
- Go home, Bough!
Now!
I gave you direct orders
not to meddle with Sauvage.
What do you do? Break into his office
and assault two of his staff.
Then you march in here, loaded with God
knows what, and insult the foreign secretary.
I haven't encountered such
behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years.
- But--
- There are no ''buts'', English.
You're off the case. Your security
clearance is hereby cancelled.
After a three-month leave of absence,
you will return at your old grade.
And I hope never
to hear your name again.
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Sauvage]
English has seen too much.
We go to Plan B.
Get rid of
the fake archbishop...
and green-light
the visit to Her Majesty.
Then this pathetic country
can humiliate itself...
by crowning me officially.
THE QUEEN'S RESIDENCE
AT SANDRINGHAM
That's a letter
of abdication...
renouncing your claims
to the throne...
and the claims
of your entire family.
Sign it.
Never!
[Yelps]
- [Gun Cocks]
- [Whimpers]
[Dog Barks]
- [Rings]
- Yes?
Prime Minister, sorry to call so late,
but I'm afraid the queen is abdicating.
What?
Abdicated?
But that's not possible.
I only wish that were true.
- Let me talk to her. Maybe she just--
- Pascal, she's gone.
My people have spent
the last 10 hours...
trying to track down
the rightful heir to the throne...
and they've come up with a name,
which they've double-checked.
Who is it?
- It's you.
- No!
## [Whistling]
[Radio Announcer] In the wake
of the return of the Crown Jewels...
to a police station
in North London,
Pascal Sauvage has requested
that his coronation...
take place this Thursday.
In the House, the prime minister said he
was looking forward to the ceremony...
and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage
will make a fine king...
and will bring all that is best about
modern Europe to our ancient institutions.
[Doorbell Ringing]
Get your car keys.
We've got work to do.
- Miss Campbell.
- Sauvage is heading back to France.
He's invited 13 of the richest criminal
masterminds in the world to meet him there.
I'm sorry, Miss Campbell.
I'm off the case.
It's been reassigned.
I know.
Reassigned to me.
- I want you with me.
- Just leave me alone.
Are you gonna sit here in this
grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself?
Or are you gonna get out there
and save your country?
I'm gonna sit in the flat.
- Johnny, this is ridiculous.
- I'm a spent force.
Spent, my ass.
Ow.
Will... you...
please... stop?
[Groans]
I'll just be a minute.
NORTHERN FRANCE
It'll be nightfall in an hour.
Then we can strike out for the chateau.
The fact is, the moment Sauvage
gets that crown on his head,
he'll be able to do whatever he likes
with the country that I love,
and that is why you and I
have got to stop him.
- Relishing the thought?
- Something like that.
I suppose you've made love
to lots of women, haven't you, Johnny?
Uh--
Uh, well, you know,
one does one's best.
It's just--
Well, it's been three years
since my fianc left me,
and since then I haven't
made love to anyone.
But then I met you...
and I felt this...
hunger...
deep down inside.
I wanted to say things to you,
I wanted to do things to you...
that I haven't wanted to do
in a very, very, very long time.
[Gulps]
What, uh--
What sort of things
are we talking about?
Things like
punching you in the face,
kicking you in the backside for being
such a pompous, know-nothing asshole.
But then I started to see beyond
the idiot that everybody else saw.
I started to see
the man on the inside...
who was determined to do his duty,
no matter what or who lay in his way.
And I began to feel
other things for him,
to want to do
other things for him.
Things...
involving plastic toys
and soft cheese?
- What? [Scoffs]
- What? What?
You're toying with me. You're telling me
to stop in the gentlest way you know how.
No. N-N-No--
You're such a special person...
not to take advantage of me
while I'm vulnerable.
- N-No-- Well--
- So thank you...
for being such a gentleman.
Not at all.
I know what you're thinking,
Miss Campbell.
If we don't pull this off, God knows
what might happen to England.
Actually, I was thinking there must be
a better way in than that pipe.
Well, there isn't.
I've analysed it from every angle,
and this is the best option.
I'll go in first, and if it's a clear
way through, I'll call down.
Johnny.
- Be careful.
- I'm always careful.
Ohh.
[Gagging, Coughing]
[Fart]
[Toilets Flushing]
- [Tapping On Glass]
- Gentlemen.
In a few hours time...
I will become
the next king of England.
[Whispers]
Oh, no.
Hyah--
[Gagging, Coughing]
- How did you get here?
- Up the ladder.
Pull yourself together.
It's only a bit of poo.
Oh! Oh, it's cold!
It's cold!
What is the one commodity...
the world never seems
to run out of?
Criminals, gentlemen.
- [Guests Murmuring]
- Lawbreakers.
Every nation in the world
struggles...
with the issue
of overcrowded prisons.
So, what do we do
with all these villains?
Find the solution
to that problem...
and the governments of the world
would pay you through their nose.
Fortunately,
I have found a solution.
We empty every prison
on the entire planet,
we take the resulting
tidal wave of human scum...
and we put it here.
[Gasping, Murmuring]
The moment
I am crowned king,
I will turn England
into the largest prison...
in the history
of the world.
of prime real estate...
conveniently separated
from true civilization...
by 20 miles of ocean...
- and soon to be available...
- Come on.
for the entire world
to dump its human waste in.
According to
current projections,
we will not run out of prison space
for the next 500 years.
So, tonight one,
and only one, of you...
will leave here
owning 49 percent...
of this venture.
So that's his little game.
We must get hold of that DVD.
But how, Johnny?
There's only two of us.
You're young, Miss Campbell,
and inexperienced.
What you seem to
have forgotten is that...
[Over P.A. Speaker]
nobody knows we are here.
At our disposal we have
the vital element of surprise.
Now, my plan is simple
but effective.
I shall drop from the gallery at this end
of the room and take Sauvage prisoner.
You will then enter from the far door,
cutting off any means of escape.
Then, using Sauvage as a hostage,
we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?
Get 'em up,
you French ponce.
But, Mr English,
I'm gobsmacked!
What an unexpected surprise.
Surprises are very much
my speciality, Sauvage.
I think we've seen
enough of this.
I know exactly what you're planning,
and I'm here to put a stop to it.
My bottom will be king of England
before you are.
Wrong again.
Perhaps you'd care
to look behind you.
Oh, please.
[Weapons Cock]
Lorna!
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Well, I'm afraid
that we'll have to...
conclude the floor show
for tonight.
Not so fast, Sauvage.
You may have taken me,
but you'll never take England.
Not as long as I have
breath in my body...
or a bullet in my gun.
[Click]
You know, Mr English,
I'm going to miss you. Really.
You're very entertaining.
I thank you.
Take them away.
[Radio Announcer]
Good morning, everybody,
and welcome to
the breakfast show.
[Speaking French]
As the crowds are gathering here for
the crowning of our first French king...
since the year 1066,
call here at London FM with the top ten
things you most love about the French.
We haven't had
any calls yet, uh, at all,
but the lines are still open
and I'll give you that number again--
zero, deux, zero, sept--
This is not good,
Johnny.
We've got to think
of something.
[Johnny]
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Hop! Hop!
And hop! And hop!
And stop!
Now, are you familiar...
with the shaman throat warblers
of the Guatemalan delta?
What?
It has long been
their belief...
that a whistle pitched at the precise
resonant frequency of a metal lock...
will vibrate the levers in such a way
that the door will simply swing open.
Unbelievable.
- And kneel.
- [Groaning]
Right. Here goes.
[Whistle: Ascending Tone]
- [Sighs]
- [Whistle Continues]
[Tone Goes Silent]
- I can't hear anything.
- I'm into ultrasonic.
Will you just stop all this
and face facts?
We've failed. The only thing
that can save us now is a miracle.
- [Rasping Tone]
- [Lock Clicks]
It worked!
- Ohh!
- Sir?
I don't know why you hauled yourself up
that dreadful poo tube, Bough,
when there was a perfectly good ladder
right beside it.
Now, Sauvage may have
fooled the country...
with his fake archbishop
and his secret agenda,
but he hasn't fooled me.
- So, here's the plan.
- [Gasps]
## [Orchestra, Chorus: Majestic]
# Let all good people
rejoice #
[Chorus]
# Rejoice #
- # Rejoice #
- Aaah!
# Let all good people
rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# Rejoice #
# And sing ##
Sirs, you are hereby called
to witness the anointing...
of your one true lord
and future king Pascal.
Pascal, are you willing
to take the oath?
I am willing.
Then be thou anointed...
with this holy oil.
And do you, the chosen bishops
of England, Scotland and Wales,
ascent to this anointing?
For Scotland, I do.
For Wales, I do.
For England, I do not!
- [Congregation Gasping, Murmuring]
- English!
That man must not be crowned king
because he is...
a fraudster, a charlatan
and a thief.
No, please.
Let him speak.
It is this man,
Pascal Sauvage,
who stole the Crown Jewels,
who forced the queen
to abdicate...
and who would kill anyone
who got in his way.
It is the end,
Herr English.
[Yells]
[English] He has cheated,
conned and manipulated...
this great country
for his own ends.
He's fooled you all!
What's more,
this whole ceremony is a sham...
because that man
standing in front of you...
is not the archbishop
of Canterbury.
[Congregation Gasps]
English, a word of advice.
Don't go there.
Shut it, Frenchy. I'll go
wherever I damn well please.
- Now take it off.
- What?
Your face
is made of plastic.
Remove it at once.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Right. I'll just have to
remove it myself.
Come on!
[Grunting, Muttering]
- Maybe it pulls up from the front.
- [Archbishop Groaning]
Come on, you!
- Aaah!
- Thank you very much.
Must be a join here
somewhere.
Fascinating performance
as always, Monsieur English,
but I'm afraid
We must move on.
Nobody's moving anywhere until I'm
finished with this piece of low-life.
Do you or do you you not...
have tattooed on your bottom
the words,
''Jesus is coming--
look busy''?
- [Congregation Murmuring]
- Are you insane?
Well, let's find out,
shall we?
Go on, over.
Let's have a look.
[Screaming, Gasping]
- [Laughing Hysterically]
- Excellent!
All right, so I was wrong
about the archbishop's bottom.
- But there's more.
- But not, I'm afraid, today.
Sergeant, please
take this man away.
- But be gentle with him.
- Do you think that's it?
You think I don't have
more evidence?
My loyal subordinate
is standing by with a DVD...
which shows Sauvage's
hideous plans for this country.
Get him out!
Get him out of here!
- Play it, Bough! Play the disk!
- Play it! Now!
## [Upbeat Pop]
- [Lip Synching]
- # You're so hot teasing me #
# So you're blue, but I can't
take a chance on a chick like you #
# It's somethin'
I couldn't do #
# Well, I can dance with you, honey
if you think it's funny #
# Does your mother know
that you're out #
# And I could shout with you, baby
Flirt a little, maybe #
# Does your mother know
that you're out #
- # Take it easy #
- # Take it easy #
# Better slow down, girl
That's no way to go #
# Does your mother know #
## [Continues]
- Oi!
- Hey!
[Mutters In French]
Well, shall we?
[Sighs]
[Archbishop]
Then as Solomon was anointed king...
by Zadok the priest
and Nathan the prophet,
so be thou anointed...
and consecrated king...
over all the peoples...
whom the Lord thy God...
hath given thee to govern...
and of all your possessions,
wherever they may be.
And so,
in the name of the Father...
and of the Son...
and of the Holy Ghost,
I crown you--
[Congregation Gasping]
[Groans]
Damn it!
- Give it back!
- No!
- That is my crown!
- Never!
- Give it back!
- Never in a million years, Sauvage!
- Give it to me!
- Get off.
Merde!
[Shouting In French]
Give it back!
- Stop!
- Shut up!
[All Gasping]
All this stupid little country
have to do is stand in line...
and do what it's told
for one miserable day!
But can it do that?
My fragrant French ass,
it can!
[Gunshot]
Merde!
- [Gunshot]
- Aah!
Give it! The crown, eh?
The crown! Go!
[Shouting In French]
And so, in the name
of the Father...
and of the Son
and of the Holy Ghost,
I crown you...
king.
What--
Arrest that man...
and lock him away.
[Congregation Cheering]
# God save the king
Long live the king #
# God save the king #
## [Chorus Continues]
# Amen, amen, amen, amen
Amen, amen #
## [Continues]
# Ahh, amen, amen
Amen, hallelujah #
# Amen #
[Cheering, Applause]
[Continue]
# God save the king ##
Words can hardly express just how much
we appreciate everything you've done.
Nothing more
than my duty, ma'am.
And in return, is there anything that
your queen and country can do for you?
Well,
since one is asking,
ma'am--
[Radio Announcer] In celebration
of her return to the throne,
the queen has declared
August 5 a national holiday...
and has conferred a knighthood
on the unnamed MI7 agent...
responsible for foiling the plot of
French businessman Pascal Sauvage.
Mr Sauvage is now awaiting trial
for high treason,
a crime which still
carries the death penalty.
If found guilty, he's asked that his
brain be donated to medical science...
to further research into the causes
of hyper manic schizophrenia.
Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent
has left the country...
and has already embarked
on his next challenging mission.
SOMEWHERE
IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE
[Lorna]
Sir Johnny English.
Her Majesty
did seem very grateful.
She's not the only one.
Mmm. You are
full of surprises.
Aaaah!
- Johnny!
- Oh, f--
# One eye on the shadows #
# Protecting his fellows #
# From sunup
to the moon on his back #
# Sendin' villains to Hades
A hit with the ladies #
# A stallion in the sack #
# You can't get your life back
when right follows left, jack #
# The more you see
the less you know #
# When others would leak it
his service is secret #
# Plays God
when it's your time to go #
# Hey, fellas
Don't be jealous #
# When they made him
they broke the mould #
# So charismatic
with an automatic #
# Never prematurely
shooting his load, ha #
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone
But safe at home #
# But safe at home
But safe at home #
# Queen and country
safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone
But safe at home #
# Queen and country
Safe and sound #
# With villains
six feet underground #
# And no one knows 'cause
no one's found any trace #
# Of a man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# And you and I
wouldn't have a clue #
# Who's doin' what, why
when and who #
# Up a creek with no canoe #
# Watch out for
the man for all seasons #
# Loves 'em
and leaves 'em alone #
# So alone #
# But safe at home #
# Oh-Oh-Ohh, yeah ##