Johnson Family Vacation (2004) Movie Script
We're here.
We're here.
We are here.
I can't believe we at Three-Tizzle.
The hottest shop in La Lizzle.
English, son.
Remember, we're in America.
- Son, your Uncle Mack is gonna trip.
- Phew! Oh!
Man, when I first left Caruthersville...
- all I had was a $50 Grimley and a Jheri curl.
- Oh!
- Look at me now. Pushin' a fully loaded...
- Oh!
Brand-new Lincoln Navigator.
Come on, Dad.
Compared to these trucks...
- yours is wack.
- What?
- I'm just sayin'. Don't get all mad at me.
- Come on.
I mean, these are
nice cars out here.
You got your Ferrari, your Lotus,
but it's no Lincoln. That's what I'm saying.
Hello, man.
Welcome to 310 Motoring.
- How may I help ya?
- I'm Nate Johnson. Is my truck ready?
Oh, Nate. Yes, it is, man.
You're the insurance guy.
I remember your truck.
Oh, snap! Hey.
Yo, that's Kurupt.
I sent him my demo tape,
like, two weeks ago.
Just act like you're my bodyguard.
Look.
- Hey, and if he come over...
- What?
Just call me M.C. "D" to theJizz-A.
- Yeah, Dad.
- Call you who to the Wizz-A?
I named you Divernius James...
After your granddaddy.
Plus that street name stuff
isn't marketable.
This rap thing, son,
there's no future in it.
There's no pension,
no 401 plan...
and obviously no dental.
That's why they all have
those gold teeth.
Oh!
Dad, come on.
Dad, come on.!
That's what I call a fully loaded 'Gator
for the haters.
The platinum grille,
Burberry interior.
Hydraulic switches, three-wheel motion,
and look at the wheels.
Oh, boy.
Son, all that Crenshaw crap
kills the resale.
Now, what self-respecting lawyer or doctor
would drive this thing now?
- Dr. Dre.
- Boy, he ain't no real doctor.
Come here now.
Look, son.
My car will be your car in...
three, four or five, six...
seven, eight, nine, 10 years...
and I don't want you thuggin' it up.
But, Dad, then why are we here?
We're here to install my Delco
eight-track tape player...
so I can listen to my music
on the trip.
Listen, if you wanted
to go old-school...
you should have had them
install your record player.
Boy, you know, those videos
got your head all mixed up.
- Now, back in my day...
- Yeah, right.
You couldn't have just two hit songs
and call yourself having a good record.
No, no, no. The whole album had to be good.
You just put it on, let it play.
Wasn't no skip buttons.
Wasn't like that mess you listen to today.
All that "rub me"
and "lick me" and "suck me. "
Gotta wear a condom just
to listen to some of it.
Oh. Oh. No, no, no, no.
- Tell me this is not my truck.
- It is, insurance man. Beautiful, isn't it?
This truck has everything.
It has TVs in the floors and the headrest...
a Nike air bag, even new 26-inch rims
just approved for public use.
Not by me. The only thing I approved
was an eight-track.
Now, where is it?
Oh, the Delco.
It must have been a mix-up...
uh, made by my brother
who we fired yesterday.
Well, imagine that, Ziggy Marley.
Now, I suggest you get
that junk off my truck right now...
before I flip you upside-down
and mop the floor with ya!
Wait, don't. Shh, shh.
Don't be so violent.
Calm down.
I can't just take it off.
It's... It's gonna take about...
- Three days.
- Uh, no. Three? Three days?
No, no, no, no.
In three days I've gotta be in Missouri...
which means
I'm on the I-10 by 10:00.
But no worries.
Just take it...
and bring it back exactly how it is.
- No charge.
- Whoa.
Better not be no charge to me.
Look, what about my eight-track?
Oh, it has eight-track,
nine-track, 10-track.
It's a C.D. Player. Don't worry, boss man.
Your ride will glide.
Yeah!
Dad. Look. Look.
Yeah!
Up, up. Down.
Yeah!
Real smooth!
Oh!
This don't make no sense.
D.J., how do you turn this thing off?
Everybody's lookin' at us.
What's up, baby?
Hey, this is hot, huh?
No, no, no.
Yo, Dad, look.
Look.
It's goin' up, up.
But here's the fun part.
Los Angeles to...
Caruthersville, Missouri.
Los Angeles to Caruthersville.
Distance: 1,888.9 miles.
That's all I need is another woman
telling me what to do.
Ooh, girl, you wanna know
my perfect outfit?
I'm thinking J. Lo's jeans. You know
the ones she had at the MTVAwards.
No, no, no. But Eve's top at the A.M.A.'s,
that was hot. I would rock that.
Open the door.
Tried that.
Here. Use this.
Hold on.
- Hello.
- Nikki, open the door.
Nikki, let your sister
get her dog stuff.
Okay.
Hmm.
Your father was supposed to be here
finish packing
and change that outfit.
Ah! Don't you answer that phone.
Whoever it is can call
when you get back.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you see that?
- Yeah.
- Dad, did you see that?
- Yeah, I saw that.
Oh, shoot.
Boy, give me the phone.
Phone ain't for you.
Upstairs, D.J.
Hello.
Hey, Mama. No.
- I told you. We'll be there in three days.
- I'm surprised.
'Cause Miss Uppity
makes you back out every year.
I don't know why
that woman doesn't like me.
Come on, Mama.
You did throw cooked rice at our weddin'.
Is that woman even coming?
Yeah. She is, uh,
packing right now.
Hold on, son.
Your brother Mack just got here
with one of those flat-screen TVs.
- Hey, Mama.
- You're always thinkin' about your mama.
- All the time, girl.
- Set it right there between J.F.K. And Jesus.
Hello.
Mack got you a plasma TV?
I don't know. Is that what you call it?
Here. Talk to your brother.
All right. Hey, little bro.
What's goin' on?
Hey, man. What happened
to the 35-inch I just sent Mama?
Ah, don't worry about it.
She, uh... She usin' it.
You ain't plannin'
on comin' down here...
and winning my Family of the Year trophy,
are you?
Man, what trophy?
Don't know anything
about no trophy.
I'm just trying to bring my fam down there
so we can see Mama. That's it.
Well, well, that's real
thoughtful of you, baby bro...
seein' as how you ain't
been here in four years.
What you tryin' to say, Mack?
Tryin' to start somethin'?
No, no, no.
I ain't tryin' to start nothin'.
It's just that you ain't
been here in so long...
kind of make me think
you're tryin' to hide somethin'.
You do remember the rules,
don't you?
- You can't win Family of the Year
if you ain't a family.
- I know.
- So, I strongly suggest...
if you want to win yourself
a trophy or somethin'...
you ought to start coaching yourself
a Little League team.
My little brother Nate.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Mama.
Hey, look.
I know he didn't hang up.
Hello? All right.
All right.
Yo, Dad.
Look, um, I'm really tired,
going back and forth.
I mean, we gotta go
all the way over there...
and then we gotta go
all the way over here.
- And then we gotta go all the way...
- All right. I get it.
Look, things are gonna be okay.
If they weren't, we wouldn't be
goin' on this trip together.
Your mother and I
are gonna work things out.
- Don't worry. Okay?
- All right. Cool.
All right, buckle up.
Lock your door.
Close your vent.
- Yeah, Dad. All right.
- Don't touch the radio.
- I said don't touch the radio.
- My bad.
Dorothy, Nikki, let's go!
Son, you wanna learn how to drive?
- For sure. Let's go.
- Give me your hand. Here's your first lesson.
Let's go!
Calm down, Nate. We'll be out in a minute.
Let's go.
Oh, no.
Don't even think about it.
Dang, Dad.
Man, what would I do
without my Mike Tyson grill?
"Tastes so good, it'll bite you back. "
- Let me go get these women.
- Yeah, do that.
Ladies, come on. Let's go.
We gotta be on the I-10 by 10:00.
And it's 9:42. Let's roll.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell me you are bringing
your schoolwork on this trip.
Yes. I have a test
when I get back.
- Why don't you study when we get back?
- Help me with the bags, please.
D.J., help your mother
with her bags.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
You're runnin' like
you stole something. Say hello.
- Hello, sweetie.
- Hey, Ma.
You mean you gotta do this...
Yeah, you're right.
My belly button is way better
than Beyonc's.
What? Now, see,
you've gone a little far now.
I ain't puttin'
chocolate syrup in it.
- No.
- Get off that phone and change.
- Thank you.
- That was the quarterback.
You're living under my roof,
play by my rules.
- No boys on the phone.
- You're acting like Dad.
- No boys stopping by all hours. Don't roll your eyes.
- He's a quarterback.
- That's right.
- Cell phone.
I didn't want you to have a cell phone
in the first place. Your father's idea.
Y'all are arguing about
the wrong thing.
Who made the sandwiches for the trip,
and did you go by Food Club...
and get the big thing
of planters Cheez Balls like I like 'em?
Nate, you see what she's wearing?
Actually, both y'all need to change.
You know my mama don't like pink.
Nate. "Cheez Balls. "
Daddy, I made
this outfit myself.
You need to get upstairs
and finish making the rest of it.
- But it took me...
- But nothin'. Nikki, I am your father.
I know what's best for you,
and that's go change.
L-10 by 10:00. Let's go, people.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, cutie.
- And how are you?
- Good. You?
Ah, you look so nice.
You ready for the trip?
Yep.
Nate, what happened to your car?
It looks like a purse on wheels.
Then you should feel right at home.
- Damn.
- Oh, there you go, son.
You know, if that rapping thing doesn't
work out, you'll make one hell of a bellboy.
Go ahead. All right, sweetie.
Let's get you in the car.
All right. Upsy-goesy.
Okay. Better.
All right.
Remember, baby girl.
I have a very special birthday party
planned for you at Bun World.
Yea!
Wait, Daddy.
Don't leave Sir Barks-A-Lot.
He's going to miss my birthday.
Sweetie, there is no dog, okay?
Nate, get the dog.
There.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Dad.
What the hell?
- Nikki, this better be F. T.D.
- Yoo-hoo.
His rusty tail is old enough
to be your granddaddy.
- Or Mom's big daddy.
- Dorothy.
"Yoo-hoo, Dorothy"?
Nikki. Tsk. You didn't tell me Mama's
been creepin' while Daddy's been sleepin'.
I didn't tell you 'cause you a kid.
Tsk. See, there you go.
I'm Nate Johnson.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. We'll use those flowers
for his funeral.
I reserved our favorite table
at Starbucks.
Oh.
Thanks for the book, Stan.
Uh, I really can't
accept the flowers.
Why not? L... I spent
all week picking them.
Well, we're study partners,
Stan. That's it.
- What do you mean?
- I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
What's up, brah?
Hello, brother.
Stan Turner.
Nate Johnson...
husband, 16 years.
- Nate, don't start.
- I'm just trying to take my family...
down to the reunion.
You know, uh, some spades,
a couple of family arguments...
- some softball.
- Whoa. Yes.
Whoa. Careful there.
Just a little...
Oh!
What is wrong with you?
Stan, wait.
"Stan, wait"?
I didn't get the memo. When did
we start seeing other people, Dorothy?
Don't test me. You know the only reason
I agreed to go on this trip...
is 'cause it's
Destiny's birthday tomorrow.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
I'm Nate Johnson.
Capricorn.
Check my dental records, jack.
So, where did you meet him...
that so-called accounting class?
So that's what this is all about, huh?
Me becoming a C.p. A.
I thought we settled that argument
when I moved out.
Oh, so I'm the bad guy
because I wanted you...
- to raise our kids?
- I can be a wife...
a mother and pursue my career too.
- Hey, my mother did it.
- Right. Yeah.
That's why the last time
I saw your brother, he was your sister.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
Hey, um, Nikki, can you get your sister
some Froot Loops, please?
Shut up.
Destiny, sweetie.
Be very careful
in Daddy's new truck.
Look. Everybody else, this truck
has to go back exactly the way it is.
If you break something,
then I've gotta pay for it.
Oops. Sorry, Dad.
Th-That's okay, sweetie.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
The I-10 by... 10:03.
Damn. We're late.
Yo, Dad. Who was that?
- It's S.O.S., son.
- I wish somebody can come rescue me right now.
Oh, Nate, be fair. Why don't you just
load half of your C.D.'s and half of his?
I'll load half of his C.D.'s
when he pays half of my car note.
Nate.
Fine. But I like
my music nonviolent...
with limited cussin;
So, nobody who's been shot.
Here. Come here.
Give me this.
Okay. Right here.
Tupac Shakur. Shot.
Nate. Nate, what...
Notorious B.I.G. Shot.
- Hey, Dad. What are you doin'? Mom.
- C-Murder.
Wait. Stop.
- Dad, C-Murder wasn't shot. - Yeah, but
with a name like that, he should have been.
- Sam Cooke.
- Wait. What are you doing?
Shot.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Sam Cooke.
That's "born by the river. "
You gonna make me
pull this car over.
- Marvin Gaye.
- Hey, hey.
Shot.
That is one of the greatest singers...
- He threw out Marvin Gaye.
- He was shot... by his daddy.
- Twice.
- What are you...
- Al Green.
- Wait a minute now. He wasn't shot.
- That was hot grits.
- That was close enough.
- Shot.
- Boy, that man is a reverend.
That's my pastor.
What is wrong with you?
How am I supposed to
go to church on Sunday?
Daddy, no one's been shot on this one.
Daddy, why aren't you singing?
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, Dad.!
Nate, what are you doin'?
Little shortcut.
Yeah.
Oh!
Hey!
See this fool?
What does he...
Come on.
That's it. I'm gon' have to show this redneck
what a brother looks like with a V-8...
riding 300 horses.
That's right.
That's right, baby.
I got the zoom-zoom
for your boom-boom right there.
Yeah.
Ooh, Daddy.
Look at the cute little baby.
Yeah, sucker. Yeah.
Tenderwipe that!
Yeah.
That's drivin' right there.
You know what I'm sayin'?
That's all right right there.
Hey, Dad.
Dad, get the bags.
Everybody all right?
Get the bags!
Get the Cheez Balls.!
Man, them my church shoes.!
Look out.!
Nate, do something. Oh, my God!
Daddy!
Everybody hold on!
- Guess I showed him, huh?
- You sure did.
My God.
Uh... Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Boy, that was close.
Anybody else want to drive?
You are now entering Arizona...
the Grand Canyon State.
Seventy. Increasing cloudiness...
and humid with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the east
at 1 4 miles per hour, it's currently...
Nate, the kids are tired.
It's been a long day.
Let's just start fresh tomorrow.
Oh, I guess watching me drive
wore you guys out, huh?
We're not scheduled to stop
until Boulder City.
I don't plan on stopping
till we get there.
Oh, that's a shame.
'Cause there's nothing
that I wouldn't do for a...
nice, hot... bath.
Anything?
Anything.
All right.
Dang, Dad.
Here we go.
Okay.
Okay, you guys wait right here.
I'll get the rooms.
- Welcome. And here are your keys.
- Thank you.
You know, I'm planning
a special evening tonight.
Do you have any roses, some champagne,
box of fine chocolates?
- No.
- Oh.
I'll take a couple of those
chocolate Easter bunnies.
Let me get the, uh...
the diet champagne?
And, uh, all the candles
that you have.
- We don't carry candles.
- Okay, well, is that... Yeah.
- Give me a road flare.
- That's for emergency use only.
This is an emergency.
Does your wife...
know what you're up to?
Well, actually, no.
She doesn't.
I'm keeping this
a little bit a secret from her.
Oh, yes. I bet. I bet you are.
- No, no.
- Listen, player.
I don't know what kind of
twisted affair you're having...
but it's not gonna happen
in my hotel.
Oh, no. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please.
Look. I have a surprise evening
planned for my lovely wife.
She's right outside
in the car with the kids.
I mean, that's why I got
the two rooms.
That's the sweetest thing
I've heard in years.
Oh.
And take all your goodies.
- Free of charge. On me.
- Gladys, you don't have to do that. Thank you.
Oh, please.
Husbands like you give me hope.
You got a brother?
Uncle?
- How old's your son?
- Glad... Gladys?
- You're cutting off my circulation.
- Oh. Sorry.
Hey.
Your room isn't ready yet...
but I'm gon' check on it.
Meanwhile, why don't you
get the kids settled in...
and I'll see you in a second.
Oh, yeah.
- Swimming trunks, please.
- Oh.
- Charge it to the room. Thank you.
- You got it.
Ooh, yes, he does.
Wow.
- Nate, what are you doing?
- I just, um...
brought you a little something
to help you relax.
That's what I'm talkin' about
right there.
Some bubbles
with the bubbles.
Mmm.
Plus, uh, some chocolates.
Shh, shh.
Gonna get in there with you, girl.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Oh.
That's all right there.
Good. Aah.
That's a...
Whoo.
What, you in there
cookin' neck bones, girl?
Ee-yah!
Ooh!
Aah! Gee.
Gonna fool around
and make some coffee in here.
All right. That is...
That is... That's warm.
Oh, man.
Yeah. You know, uh...
it's been a long time
since I've been in our Jacuzzi.
I was thinking...
maybe we can do that thing...
we used to do in ourJacuzzi.
Nate, I am not
getting my hair wet.
Besides, we haven't
solved anything.
Well, um, we could
solve one thing right now.
Either here...
or back up at the room.
You know, it's been three months.
Yeah, it's been three months.
That's what I'm sayin'.
It's been three months.
Yeah, three months.
Right.
Ninety days. Right?
How about, uh,
we, uh, go up to the roof?
Oh, yeah?
Or better yet, why don't we,
uh, go out to the truck?
Oh, no, baby. Anywhere but the truck.
I got to turn that back in.
Maybe we can, uh, do...
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Yeah.
- You serious?
- Yeah.
In here? You serious?
We never done that before.
Okay. All right.
Girl, you real... Oh, you're wild.
Going back to your old days.
Hey, hey.
Yeah. All right.
Come on. Your turn.
Um...
you know, I...
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Be right back.
Bathroom.
- Dorothy, you're comin' back, right?
- Uh-huh.
Don'tjust leave me out here
all alone.
Dorothy, come on.
Quit playin'.
- Oh, no.
- Good night, Nate.
Dorothy! All right.
Dorothy, see...
See what you done did.
Come on, Dorothy. Why you...
What the hell?
What's goin' on?
Why y'all all up on me?
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Uh, ladies,
if y'all see a snake, um...
trust me, he won't bite you.
- Diet champagne.
- Ooh, Easter bunnies.
- My favorite.
- Hey.
What the...
Oh. Nate.
Ohh.
So, Mr. Johnson.
- Which one's your wife?
- Hey, it's not what it looks like.
Well, guess you won't
be needing these.
Oh, no, no.
Come on. I'm gonna need those.
Come on, Gladys.
Well, uh, ladies, um...
I have to go see
a man about a horse.
Gonna get out of here.
- Y'all have a pleasant evening.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, watch it.
Hey. Oh, come on now.
- We won't peek.
- Hey. Oh. Hey!
Hey. Oh!
I saw your...
Watch your hand. Whoa-ho!
- Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.
- I'm not like that.
That belong to somebody. Come on.
Don't look. I'm shy.
Don't... Y'all. Come on.
Whoo.! Oh.!
Who does your bikini wax?
Hey, girl, how was your treatment?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Go, go.
There'll be plenty of time
for that tomorrow, okay?
Hey. Tom, Judy.
How you guys doin'?
It's a mighty fine evening.
Why don't you get rid of
the kids and the clothes...
- and we're all playing
butt-naked Uno up in 304. - Daddy.!
Nate.
Yes?
You know what you're doing?
Mm-hmm.
- Well, could you stop?
- Nope.
Why are you taking this out on me?
You brought this on yourself.
- Hello.
- Hello, Dorothy.
- Hey, you.
- I miss you. Where are you?
Um, outside of Santa Fe,
New Mexico.
"You"? Who is "you"?
Stan, please. I'm with my family.
Stan.
- Study partner, my...
- Daddy.
What's that big building over there...
right over there?
That's a mall?
It's more than a mall, sweetie.
That's Outlet 800.
It's over 800
top designers' wholesale outlets.
I just read about it
in my travel guide here.
Daddy, can we stop
and check it out?
- Oh, no, sweetie. No, no, no.
- Please?
No can do.
We could, uh, lose a whole afternoon...
- in their state-of-the-art day
spa theyjust built. - Day spa?
But you know what?
I got something better planned for us.
We're gonna stop
at Little Tanawanda Village.
Nikki, you remember?
That was your favorite place.
- No, I don't.
- She was two years old.
And I didn't sign up
for some old Indian village...
or to see
the world's largest ball of yarn.
You said "family reunion. " That means
straight to Caruthersville and straight back.
"The I-10 by 10:00."
Oh, yeah. That's funny.
That's funny, Dorothy.
You know what?
This is important, okay?
Now, I didn't tell you this before,
but I'm one-eighth and 3/1 4ths Cherokee.
All right. That's why I got the baby hair.
- Sometimes I have to shave that.
- Baby hair?
- Where's this baby hair?
- Come on. You know that get me started.
Ah, man.
I'm knocked out.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me
where's Little Tanawanda?
This is Little Tanawanda.
- Dad, I'm hittin' the arcade.
- Okay, son.
You mean to tell me...
That this is Little Tanawanda?
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
My man.
Why don't you just lead me to some...
real, old-school Indians...
that are, uh,
still keepin' it real.
Wait, uh, right here.
I think I know someone
who can show you, uh...
- how to get to where the real Indians live.
- Thank you.
Hey, uh, Navarro,
we got a big spender over here...
who wants to know how to
get to where the real Indians live.
Daddy, can we go now?
Just a second, babe. All right?
I got a little something workin' right here.
Daddy, can we go now?
We're about to get some directions
to a real Indian village.
Daddy, I don't care about
no little Indian village. All I wanna do...
Ahh. Take our time
and get those directions.
How.
- My name's Navarro.
- Uh-huh.
I hear you seek
real Indian village.
I think I can help you...
and your daughter.
We are here.
Way at the top.
If you follow
Running Bear River south...
as the sparrow flies...
then take
Walking Buffalo Road east...
- a half moon to the crossing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's way too much energy there, Red Bull.
All right? Bring it down.
And then ride bareback
I'm in a truck. All right?
A Lincoln Navigator.
Oh. Just take I-53 northeast.
I'm gon' take that service road.
- Beautiful.
- What you say your name was again?
- Navarro.
- Oh, okay. I see.
Okay. Um, in the land
of my ancestors...
some tribes may be, uh,
reluctant to embrace you.
Therefore, I strongly recommend you
wear something that gives you authority.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I remember wearing one of these.
- Yeah.
That's right. I can make it rain.
How about me
giving you my number?
Hi-how-are-ya! Hi-how-are-ya!
I'm going to lunch.
My number in case you get lost.
- All right.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Back off my daughter, man...
before you end up
being called Little Broken Jaw.
- Daddy, what are you doing?
- Come here. What is your problem, huh?
You know what? I am not a little girl
anymore. Those days are way over.
- I can handle myself.
- You can what?
You gonna get handled, you keep talking...
I don't know who you think...
You've been gone three months, and then
you're gonna try and tell me what to do.
- You live up the street, remember?
- Gi...
You're gonna need some allowance money.
That's what you'll remember.
Get in the car.
And you... I... I'll fight
an Indian. All right?
I dance with wolves, okay?
And as for you, little miss pocahontas...
until we get to the reunion,
your little fast tail is grounded.
- You can't ground me in no car.
- I can't ground you? Oh, really?
How about no more TV?
- So? I ain't watchin' no TV.
- Mm-hmm.
No more computer.
- And no more cell phone.
- Daddy.
See? Just like home.
You are now entering Colorado,
the Centennial State.
Look, Daddy.
That lady needs a ride.
Kids, look. Remember,
if I never taught you anything else...
never pick up strangers.
She could have just as well
been a serial killer.
We are in the middle of nowhere.
Tell me you're not about to
pick up a hitchhiker.
Baby, what would Jesus do?
Thanks for picking me up...
and, um, opening the door.
No one does that no more.
You must be a real man.
Uh... I... I'm Nate Johnson,
and, uh, that's Nikki.
- Hi.
- That's DJ.
- Hey. What's up?
- And that's little Destiny.
And, uh, this is Dorothy.
She lives down the street.
- Daddy.
- Well, it's true. She does.
- So, what's your name?
- Chrishelle.
Chrishelle Rene Boudreau.
Boudreau.
You hear that?
- Don't we have some Boudreaus down in Shreveport?
- No.
You know, I thought you had
that Johnson look.
Well, if you're family, you should
ride down to Caruthersville with us.
It's our family reunion.
DJ., you can't give out
that information to strangers.
Uh, no offense, Chrishelle.
I understand.
There are some crazy people
out there.
- Hey, Nikki.
- Yes?
- Take a picture of me and Chrishelle.
- No, no, no.
Uh, some people say if you're
ever caught on film, you lose your soul.
Are we there yet?
I'm starvin'.
No, Daddy,
I'm about to pass out.
Hold on, everyone.
Heaven is just around the corner.
Bun World. One mile.
I want Chuck E. Cheese.
Boy, what are you doing?
Are your braids too tight?
Put that down. You know we say grace.
And since Chrishelle here
is our guest...
I'd like you to bless the food,
if you don't mind.
Sure. All right.
Close your eyes.
God is great, God is...
Daddy, Sir Barks-A-Lot
ran away.
No, baby. No, he didn't.
Come on. Sweetie.
- Okay. All right.
- I love you, Sir Barks-A-Lot.
Have a seat back down.
Honey, you got me.
- Sorry, Daddy.
- I'll get it.
- No, you won't.
- What?
Uh, look, I'm gonna go to the restroom
and, uh, get this off.
Chrishelle,
finish blessing the food.
Can you cover for me?
- Whoops.
- Excuse me. I'm the one who called about the birthday cake.
They're putting
the finishing touches on it now.
- Uh, where is your bathroom?
- Just past the pool table.
God is great,
God is good.
Let us thank him
for our food.
Friends of the night,
please cover us.
Black as a pit.
Deeper than the depths of the abyss.
I call upon
the power of darkness...
to help me cast this unbreakable spell.
Make us all as one.
Chrishelle, Dorothy...
Nikki, Destiny, Nate
and his son.
Amen.
Okay. All righty.
Here we go.
Oh.!
Hey, buddy, you okay in there? 'Cause it
smell like the circus done came to town.
Damn it.
No toilet paper.
Oh, well.
Ahhh. Ah, my cake spatula.
Almost forgot that.
Hey, buddy. You know how
to spell "Destiny"?
Never mind.
I'll figure it out.
Enjoy your lunch.
I know they say the Navigator is supposed
to seat eight people comfortably...
but I don't think they meant
all in the front seat.
Dorothy, okay, I've got us
a couple of rooms here.
One for the guys,
one for the girls.
- Looks like we're roommates.
- Adjoining rooms.
Uh, Nate, sweetie...
why don't we give our guest
a room for herself?
You know how Destiny loves to
snore the paint off the walls.
And, um, you can sleep
with me and the kids.
Oh, yeah. That's funny. Maybe, uh,
we can just meet in the hot tub again.
Uh, I don't mind sharin'.
Snoring doesn't bother me none.
See? Right there.
Chrishelle doesn't mind.
No, Nate. I insist
you sleep with me.
Okay, all right.
The begging is not becoming of you.
Good night.
I'll see y'all tomorrow.
I'll see you in a minute.
- What is goin' on?
- Slackin' on your pimpin', Dad.
You need to ditch her.
Let me see those toes.
Are they nice and clean? Yeah?
- Yeah, Mom.
- "Yeah, Mom. "
- St... Stop playin'.
- Will you stop?
- Go back.
- Stop hogging the TV.
Well, why don't you go
talk on your cell phone?
Oh. Oh. I forgot.
You grounded.
- I can't stand your ugly butt.
- Capital "G." Oh!
- Why you do that?
- I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad.
- All right. Enough.
- See?
I guess I found the only Chuck E. Cheese
in the whole state.
- Okay. Look.
- I'm the oldest. I'm the oldest.
Settle down. No one eats until
your sister eats. It's her birthday.
- Daddy.
- Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
I hope she enjoys this.
Destiny, Daddy's got
a surprise for you.
- Hit it.
Ah, you got it.
Nate, stop it.
Stay on your side of the bed.
Nate, I'm serious now.
Hey, it's not me.
Stop hogging all the covers.
All right.
All right, all right.
Aaah!
What?
Get out.!
Get out, get out.!
Get up!
I'm gonna do somethin'.
I'm gonna do somethin'.
Use my shoe.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
Yeah, the shoe!
The shoe!
Aaah!
- Daddy.
- Get back.
- Get out there, Dad.
- Hit it hard!
- Get the alligator! Kill him!
- Get him, Dad.
I know what I'm doing.
I got what I'm doing.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- Be careful.
Daddy, you're struggling.
Daddy, you're struggling.
Hey. Hey, Daddy, I'm comin;
- I'm gon' help you right now.
- D.J.
DJ...!
Don't go in there!
Oh! Get him, Dad.
I got him.
Get him, Dad.
Get him, Dad.
Oh!
- Hold up.
- I got him. I got him.
You can't drown no alligator.
They live in water.
- That's they habitat.
- I'm gonna flush him.
That's right, Dad.
Flush him. Flush him.
Twinkie? Twinkie.
- Twinkie?
- It's not bath night.
- What... You know this thing?
- Oh, come to Mom.
Oh, Twinkie wouldn't hurt a fly.
- Let's go.
- No. I know, I know.
Shh. Dorothy, your shoes
makin'too much noise.
- Take those off. D.J., pick up your sister.
- I got her.
You are now entering Kansas,
the Sunflower State.
Yo, Dad, can we pull over?
No, son. We can't stop.
I can already smell my mama's cookin'.
But I really need to go.
It'll only take a sec.
D.J., we just stopped in WaKeeney.
Now, I warned you about drinking
all those pepsis so close together.
You're just gonna have to
learn a lesson.
Think of something dry, like...
Mama's meat loaf.
- Come on, Dad.
- We are not stoppin'.
Oh!
You know, son...
the only reason
I'm hard on you is...
well, because one day you'll
wear the pants in your own family.
People will depend on you.
Now, how can they do that...
if your pants are hanging
all off your behind?
Have you thought about what you're gonna
do if this rap thing doesn't work out?
Well, I was thinking about
law school...
or medical school.
But then Mom said
she'll help me incorporate.
So, I was thinking about...
coming out with my own line
of hip-hop pajamas.
- Pajamas?
- Yeah. You know how puffy has Sean John...
and then Jigga has Rocawear?
- Oh, my goodness.
- Check this out.
D.J.'s p. J.'s.
Baggy always.
Baggy.
I told your mother not to stand by the
microwave when she was pregnant with you.
Wait a minute.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.
Stan?
Stan. Yeah, right.
There you go, Stanley.
Yeah.
Man, where's my...
Ah. Let me get
a little swallow.
No. No, no. No.
Dad, don't drink that.
Nah. Dad.
- Dad. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
- What the...
Uh-oh. I wouldn't have
done that if I were you.
Boy, look, I've been driving
since before you were born, okay?
- But you hit a cop.
- I didn't hit a cop.
Oh, I hit a cop.
- Aaah!
- Dad, we off the road.!
- What?
- Whoa.
- Nate, stop!
- Whoa!
Hey, Dad, what are you doing?
Aaah!
Oh, my...
Oh! No!
No, no, no, no.
Come on, man.
- No. Come on. I gotta take this car back.
- Man.
No. Come on, man.
This'll cost me a fortune.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, now the cops.
Biblio... Biblio... Biblioteca.
Oh.
Look. We'll be out of this thing
in 60 seconds.
Hey, hey, Officer.
What's goin' on?
CHips. L... I like that show.
You kinda like a chocolate CHip.
You know what I'm say... CHip ahoy.
- Is everything okay?
- What's up, brother? I can see...
it's a little hot out here
and you got...
Look, man, I'm just tryin' to take
my family down to the reunion.
You know what I'm saying?
So, can you hook a brother up, brother?
Under arrest? All of us?
- For what, man?
- Like you don't know.
You got those rapper rims
wrapped around your tires...
like you had your lips
wrapped around this here reefer pipe.
You should be
ashamed of yourself...
using that poor little girl
like a pack mule.
If we were
two counties south...
you would be in the chair.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and I'll sue. I'll sue.
- As a matter of fact, open the gate.
- Nate, come on.
No. Dorothy, let me tell... Open up.
Ain't nothin' but space and opportunity.
That's right.
Look at big, old...
So, what's that gonna be? What you
gonna do with that? I mean...
Daddy!
Mama.
Oh.
Hey. Hey, brother.
L... I mean, Officer.
Hey, I apologize.
- So, can we all go now?
- Tell it to the judge on Monday.
Monday? Man, I gotta be
in Caruthersville by tomorrow.
I don't care
where the hell you gotta be.
You stay in here,
and you shut up.
I have an audit tomorrow.
Destiny.
Muffins.
- Tell your mother for me...
- You told me not to talk to drug dealers.
- What is goin' on?
- I said shut it!
Uh, excuse me, Sheriff.
If you use the 1040 long form...
you can write off
more than just those doughnuts.
What else can I write off?
- Ma's a saint, huh?
- Yeah, she nice.
She all right.
Still gonna go to
Harold's Waffles and Check Cashing...
to get my taxes done.
See, Officer, your biggest problem was
not enough pretax write-offs.
- That's all.
- Oh.
Well, um, thank you, pretty lady.
Um, uh, what can I do for you?
How about the keys?
Nate. The reunion's tomorrow.
We're out of cash.
We... We look a mess.
Let's just pull over
and get ourselves together.
Oh, no. No, no.
Dorothy, no.
Nothing is gonna stop me
from getting that trophy.
And with no food stops,
no bathroom breaks...
anybody that's tired
can sleep in the car.
Nate, no. Nate!
Look at our kids.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right. I hear you.
We'll pull over.
Thank you.
Oh. No way.
Uh-uh. Nope. That's it.
Hold on. We're goin'.
Fine, Nate. You can drag us
to this family reunion if you want to.
But don't expect me to pretend like
everything's perfect just to impress your mama.
What?
What do you mean by that?
I mean, if she asks me
how we're doing, I'm gon' tell her.
- No, you not! No! No, Dorothy, no.
- Mm-hmm!
That woman has been against
our marriage from the very beginning.
I don't care
how hard you try.
- You will not give her the satisfaction of being right!
- Heh. Watch me.
Nate, how long has that
warning light been on?
Don't worry.
We're not gonna run out of gas.
Trust me.
- Oh, shoot.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding.
Ahh.
Come on!
Come on. Come on.
All right, c...
Okay. All right.
Look, don't panic.
We can still make it
to the reunion.
All right,
I'll just make a call.
Oh, come on. I forgot
to recharge the batteries.
Oh, you gotta be kidding.
Oh, look. Looks like there's a phone
a couple miles up the road.
- A couple miles?
- I'll be right back.
- You're not gonna...
- I'll be right back.
Nate!
Oh, man.
I should run a little bit.
Okay.
That's enough of that.
Wait. What's up?
What's up?
All right, let's see.
All right, let's just find a phone,
call Uncle Earl.
It'll be simple.
Be outta this thing.
Aw, shoot.
Oh, man.! Come on.!
The corn?
I ain't goin' in no corn.
Nope.
Yaah! Aah! Aah!
This... This, uh...
Oh, come on, man!
Who would put a phone
up on a pole? Aww.!
Here we go. Right hand, left foot.
Left foot, right hand.
Just like Twister.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Okay. All right. All right.
Hello? Operator.
I need Earl Johnson.
Could you get me
Earl Johnson?
Uncle Earl! This is Nate!
Yeah, right, right. Glorietta's boy.
We ran out of gas on Route 12.
Can you come get us?
Looks like y'all seen a ghost.
It's just you, Uncle Earl.
Yeah, it's just me. Who you thought
it was gonna be? Bobby Brown?
That the older girl back there? Girl,
you as pretty as new carpet! Look at her!
Where you stayin'?
Well, we're on our way to the...
- Y'all gon' go down to the house?
- Yeah.
I got room for ya.
Yeah, girl, I got double-wide bunk beds.
Yeah, you come up there,
I'll sleep on top, you be on the bottom.
Either way. You be on bottom, I be on top.
I take it any way I can get it!
I'll take it any way I can get it!
- I said I'll take it any way I can get it!
- I heard you.
Get that hood off.
First thing I gotta do.
Boy, give me the jackhammer.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Here you are.
- Set it down there.
- Whoa!
- Here we go! Here we go! That's right!
Here we go!
There it is!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Watch our headlights!
Looks like y'all ain't
gon' need these fog lights.
I think we just need some gas.
Gas? Heh!
You want gas,
you try some of Glorietta's pinto beans.
Don't worry.
I'll work out a plan.
Fourteen, 15 years, I know
a little somethin' 'bout a car, okay?
You just... You keep them little sweet
legs on the inside and don't get hurt.
Sitting there lookin' hot butter.
Hot butter yellow!
Girl is lookin' good.!
Here, boy.
Look like I'm gon' use my heavy artillery.
Lemme get the tweezers.
These my eyelash curlers. Yeah, that's
more delicate. That's more delicate.
Uh, all right.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Ahh.
- You need this?
Okay,
hold on to that.
Oh, God. You're killin' me, Unc.
Yo, Unc, come on.
Come on.
Now hold this and lean that...
lean that over there for me.
Now hand me
the duct tape.
What?
Oh!
Yeah, these are trusty-dusties.
Always use them.
Yeah, one of the best things
you can use is a curling iron.
So, you fixed it, Earl?
Uh-oh.
There's two answers to that one...
No and not yet.
What I realize is...
It's a funny thing. Y'all ain't got no gas.!
- That's what I told you.
- All this time, you didn't have no gas!
But I'll get this thing runnin'.
It'll run on lawn mower fluid.
Put lawn mower fluid in there.
You won't go as fast.
You'll go about 16 miles an hour.
So I'd always say
stay in the slow lane.
It's gon' take you about, oh...
gon' take about 16, 17 days
to get back to California.
- What?
- But y'all a family. Y'all'll have a good time.
I know exactly what to do to have
this car back up on its feet and rollin'.
Baby, how you doin'?
There you go.
Thank you.
Just what you think you doin'?
Stickin' your fingers in my food.
Hey, Uncle Earl.!
Park around back.!
I don't want nobody
messin' with my truck!
All right.
I hear you, nephew.
Hey, everybody.! Look who I found on
the side of the road.! It's Nate and them.!
Just let us out right here.
This is good, right here.
- Nathaniel! Come on. I'm gon' have to spank your butt.
- Oh, it's Uncle Nate.
Oh, Lord have mercy.
Girl, you look good.
If you don't look like
hot sauce on a pork rind, I tell ya...
- Come on, give Earl some of that.
- Oh! Uh... Uh...
You is a hot-buttered red bone...
Look at you, girl.!
- You look delicious, like a perfect piece of fried chicken.
- Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl.! Come on, man.
That's my wife.
- Come on, baby.
- Stop bein' a player-hater.
- Can you do something with the truck?
- I'm gon' take care of that.
Don't you worry about it.
I'll take the carburetor off there,
put it back on, take the concrete off there.
That'll be about $25-35. But just bring me
back a six-pack of beer, that's all.
Look, there's the hill where
the tree was I told you I fell out of.
- And there's the lake I used to fish...
- Hey, second-born!
Junior Mint.!
Mama's little mistake
down at the lake.
- How y'all doin'?
- Hey, Mack.
- Hey, Dorothy. I don't know how you do it.
- Mack, how you doin'?
Hey, look, Mama up here at the table.
Y'all come on.
Ooh-wee!
Hey, Mama!
- Grandma!
- And there's the birthday girl!
Oh, look at you guys!
My God! You're gettin' so big!
Look at you!
Dorothy, I can't believe
we finally got you down here.
I guess that means
you two are still together.
Well, Glorietta,
the truth is that...
- I can't believe you two made it this far.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Mama?
- The trip's less than 2,000 miles.
- I'm not talkin' about miles.
Talkin' 'bout years.
Anyway,
what were you gonna say?
What I was gonna say is...
Nate and I are going to renew
our wedding vows on Valentine's Day...
and we would sure love
for you to join us.
Mmm.
Come on, child.
Food's on the table.
Family's waitin' for you.
Both my boys here.
This is better than Christmas.!
Even better than that Christmas
I got you that new car, Mama?
Mack, you know
this ain't no competition.
We gon' let Mack and Nate pray.
See which one of'em was payin'
more attention in Sunday school.
Well, I guess since I'm the oldest,
I go first.
Fine.
All right, everyone,
bow your heads...
and close your ears.
Your eyes.
Everybody close your eyes.
Gracious God, I come to you...
as humbly as I know how...
Yes, Lord.
Praising you
and giving you thanks...
for bringing us together
yet another year...
helping us come together
to help celebrate...
my victory...
and Nate's agony of defeat.
Let us eat.
Father, Lord, we thank you...
for allowing us to come together
and share with one another.
Father, we know that you
created the birds that fly...
and gave the dogs a voice to bark.
But you wouldn't have
had to create the sun...
if you knew Mack was gonna be sittin'
over there in that bright yellow shirt...
lookin'sunny-side up like
a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.!
- Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord!
- Mm-mmm-mmm.
We, Father God, also realize...
that you are the creator
of earth and heaven...
moon and the stars.
That's how I know...
ain't no way
you had nothin' to do...
with creatin' that tacky,
gangsta-lookin', wheel-spinnin'S.U. V...
that Uncle Earl had to
drag up in here.
Hold on, Father!
Hold up! Wait a minute!
What about the time
you put pepto-Bismol in the Kool-Aid...
and everybody had diarrhea
for the summer?
- Don't let me have to mention that to Mama!
- Hold on.!
What about the time you burned down
all the bushes 'round the house...
'cause you got tired of goin'outside,
gettin'your own switch...
Ohhh, Father!
Need I have to remind Mack
while Mama's standin' here...
that he the one that had Nanette Green
in the back room...
and was doin' the nasty
on Mama's good quilt...
and that's why she couldn't
get them stains off of it?
In Jesus' name!
Let's eat.
- But, Mama... B-But, Mama, look...
- Uh-uh.!
Y'all just got through prayin'.
Don't make me cuss up in here.
- Remember there was a lamp...
- Aah! I got all the stories.
That's great.
Let's go down here
and visit with Nate's family.
Drove all the way here
from California.
Last time they was here
little Destiny was two years old.
Hey, Nate.
How you doin', kids?
Hey, how's it goin'?
Kinfolk.!
I'll be over there in a minute.
Cousin Nate! Favorite kinfolk!
Hey, man!
- How you doin', man? You doin' all right?
- All right.
Heard you doin' good in that
insurance thing. I'm proud of ya.
We all proud of ya, but I'm especially
proud of... What did I tell ya?
I told you two years ago... Me, now.
Do that insurance thing.
- That's right.
- I told you. Look at you now.
Let me hold somethin'.
- Come on, Bodie! I just got here, man.
- Well, anything, any...
What about them glasses?
Them prescription?
Look... Look, man, I'll see if
I can do somethin' for you later.
All right.
You know you my favorite kinfolk.
I'll be right here.
- I know.
- I ain't goin' nowhere.
- I know you not.
- Watchin' every move.
Why y'all leave me
over there with him?
Hey, yo, Johnson family, it's time
for the event we've all been waitin'for.
That's right... the 2004
Family of the Year Competition!
Y'all ready to do this?
Let's get this thing started.!
Crawl, like we worked on.
I've got you. Not gonna let you go.
- He's nothing.
- Don't let him scare you.
Don't let him scare you.
Here we go. All right.
- Okay.
- All right, sweetie.
- I'm gonna do it, Daddy.
- Do it.
- We need this.
- I know, Daddy.
Oh, there they go again.
Stop that fightin;!
- Hey, Mama.
- On your mark.
Get set.
Go!
Come on, Junior.!
You got 'em.! You got 'em, Mack.!
Go!
- You got 'em, baby! Do it, MackJunior!
- Go! Come on!
Monkey bar swingin'!
Monkey bar swingin'!
- Go!
- You got it.! You got it.!
Come on.!
Oh, Lord, he fell!
Hey, you...
- Yeah!
- Daddy, I did it!
She cheated!
Next event, the water
balloon toss.! Let's do this, y'all.!
Somebody gonna get
a whuppin' out here.
Mack, that gives your family two points
and Nate's family two points.
Last event... the sack race, y'all!
Oh, yeah, baby. You can kiss
that Family of the Year trophy good-bye.
Oh, I will...
every mornin' on my way to work.
Get set.! Go.!
- Till you were 12!
- I ain't had no plastic on the bed.
- Yes, you did, bed wetter.
- H-H-Hold up, man.
- Ain't nobody peed in the bed.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You act like you tryin'to pull somethin'...
- You always talkin' that stuff.
I know that was you
that hung up on me.
Whatever!
Why you runnin'?
Ain't nobody runnin'!
- Throw him to the ground!
- Why you got my leg?
That's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
- You done made us lose the race.
- I ain't thinkin' about that race.
Why you tryin' to get ahead of me?
Why you tryin'...
Why you lookin'...
I'm first! I'm first!
I think I hurt my corn.
We got a tie, y'all.
Ha-ha, Johnson family! What?
- Kinfolk.!
- Yeah, what's up?
Heard you in California,
'bout to break in that rap game, baby!
- Whoo! 'Bout to get paid!
- Hey!
Let me hold somethin'.
I don't have no money on me right now.
You know? I'm broke.
- You ain't got nothin'?
- Nada.
What about them tennis shoes right there?
What size those?
They're my size.
You trippin'.
Kinfolk!
That's right. You know how we do it
Johnson family style.
It's time to really get our party on now.
Come on, Johnsons!
There's no time to rehearse.
It's time for some Johnson magic.
This is for the trophy.
- The talent show is the tiebreaker event.
- Right.
Destiny and I will do choreography.
But what do we do for costumes?
- Mama, I'll do it.
- What about the music?
I got the music.
- We gon'hit 'em
upside the head with this one.
- Everyone know what they're supposed to do?
- Yeah.!
Okay, Johnson family on three.
- One! Two! Three!
- Johnsons!
- All right, let's go. All right?
- Got it.
All right. Okay.
Big Shaq-style boy.! That's you, Mack.!
- Hey, D.J.!
- You are the mack from way back.!
Mack-a-licious.!
Mack-a-docious.! Mack-tastic.!
You Mack-aroni, dog.!
Mack-adamia.!
You Mack.! Man, you the Mack.!
Their moves are so tight.
I see why they win every year.
Oh, come on, baby. It's nothing.
Look at Mack out there.
Little karate uniform on, lookin'
like Nappy Chan doin' "Try-Bo. "
Come on.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you all.
Hear me when I say it to you.
We do love you.
We love everybody. Got love for you.
No, no.! We do love you all.!
Now, comin' up next is
my baby brother Nate and his family.
Please do somethin'.
Clap or somethin'.
But whatever you do,
Lord, have mercy...
please don't fall asleep.
Love you!
Nate, you sure got your work
cut out for you.
- Nate's back again.!
- Nate's stuff is raggedy.!
What's Nate gon'do?
- What's up, D.J.?
- Let's do this, dog!
- You know they ain't got nothin;!
- All right.
All right, everybody get on board.
This is Nate Johnson.
We are the Johnson family
from Los Angeles.
Gettin' ready to give it to ya
a little somethin' like this.
Watch out, Mack! Ha-ha!
All right, now, Johnsons.
Y'all come on with it now.
Here we go!
That music's feelin' so good right
there! Make me wanna do this right here!
Oh, yeah!
It's Big Nate Johnson!
Gettin' ready to bring it to ya
right here! Here's D.J.!
That's my son right there!
Yeah.! Whoo.!
Whoo!
Didn't I tell you
I could rhyme?
- That's all right!
- We did it!
Here, man, take that.
You can use that, dog.
Okay, y'all, come on!
Okay, y'all,
time to choose a winner.
Good job, man.
Great job.
Good job, man.
Good job.
- Yeah, we beat 'em.
- Okay, y'all.
Now, we the Johnson family...
and y'all know how we do it,
so let's get it on.
- Who thinks Mack's family
won the talent competition?
Calm down. Calm down.
Damn.
How you doin'?
Is she family?
All right, it was close...
but...
Nate's family wins the title!
- Congratulations, son.
- Thank you, Mama.
Oh, Father.
You know what?
I just realized I don't need this trophy
to prove I have a great family.
Here.
The only trophy I need
is these four right behind me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Long as I got the trophy.
I got the trophy!
Mack. Mack.!
- We got the trophy.!
- Come on, dog. Mack!
Come on, man.
We brothers.
We should be teammates,
not competitors.
- Yeah...
- What do you say?
Yeah, you're right, Nate.
Yes! Yes!
We got it! Come on.
Yes! I got the trophy!
Anyway, you know what?
- I realize that after this victory today...
- Yeah?
Nothing can separate us.
Get out the way, june bug!
Where the truck come from?
Oh, Father!
Oh, Father!
I'm okay, baby.
Oh, Lord, why not me?
Jesus, why not me?
I can't believe this!
This trophy ain't never
done nothin' to nobody!
What did I ever do?
What did I do?
Oh, Father!
Who beat me?
What is he doing?
Oh, my God.
- Stan, what are you doing here?
- Yeah!
Dorothy, you said...
you wanted
to be with me forever.
I said our professor
was lecturing forever.
- Man, are you the dude drivin' the truck?
- Stan, you are crazy.
We only studied together twice.
And one of those times
was over the phone!
- I have a husband!
- Yeah, she has a husband!
You ruin my family reunion
with this nonsense?
If that's the case, then why do you two
live in separate houses?
Yeah.
Why do you live
in separate houses?
Mama, Dorothy and I have been
separated for about three months.
Ohh!
I knew it.
I knew it!
Look, it's all my fault why
we're not together. All right?
I just haven't supported her
in her dreams.
She's a beautiful,
intelligent woman...
and the copilot of my plane.
Nate got a plane?
Mama, where did Nate get a plane?
Mack, will you hush, please.
And, Mama, look, I've let you drive a wedge
between me and my wife for all these years.
Furthermore, she's the mother
of your grandchildren.
So I suggest you get used to her,
because I'm not letting her go anywhere.
Ah!
- And neither am I.
- You know what? That's about enough of you.
- Uh-uh! No, no, no, no!
- Dad, don't do that!
Would you leave, Stan? Please!
Wait! Don't do it, son.
- Let me!
- Ohh!
Mama cracked him!
Mama say c-crack!
Mama was your dessert!
That's what the Johnsons do!
She's still got it.
You know what?
I ain't never heard you
talk about Dorothy that way.
And you know what else?
It's about time.
- Thank you, Mama.
- That's right, Dad.
All right, I gotta get my family outta here.
We gotta head back home.
But you just got here.!
I know, but...
my wife has a test to study for.
- Kids, let's go change. Bye, Mama.
- Bye, baby.
- Dorothy.
- All right, now, little brother.
- Bye, Grandma.
- Bye, D.J.
- Y'all come back! Don't stay gone so long.
- All right.
Oh, man.
- Yeah.!
- Nate! Nate!
It's Nate Johnson! All day!
Trophy and my little brother?
And I'm Mack Johnson!
That's all week.!
I wonder... I wonder if Uncle Earl
know how to fix this.
I'm gon' ask... Uncle Earl!
Hey!
Huh!
Huh! Yeah!
- Reenie?
- Yeah, baby?
Get in here, girl!
D.J., is that our door?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Is this our bumper?
- This is the bumper from the truck.
- Looks like it, but...
And... these are the seats.
Oh, my God. These seats
come right out of the truck.
Dorothy, that is the door.!
Looks like the door.
We don't know.
You ain't got nothin' on that Robot.
You know, I do the Robot.
Oh, my God!
Move somethin;!
- That's my kid!
- Look.
Okay. Okay.
Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl!
Oh, hey there, nephew.
Y'all caught me off guard.
Caught me doin' my little thing...
Look at Dorothy.
Girl, you look good.
Girl, if you don't look like
a hot cup of soup, and I got the flu...
- This my baby, Tangerine.
- Hi!
Yeah, don't she look like you?
She look just like you. I tell her all
the time, "You look just like Dorothy. "
You know what, Dorothy?
This could've all been yours. All this...
Reenie, come on, now.
Quit playin'.
You know I'm p-I-M-p.
If you don't mind, it's been a long trip
and we wanna get back home...
so, did you fix the truck yet?
Oh, yeah, it's ready.
Truck is ready. That's what I do.
Yeah, come on out.
Yeah.
Yes, indeedy!
Now, I'm gon' have to tell you...
the only thing I had to do here that was
really special... want you to be aware of...
I had to run a coat hanger
through the middle of the vehicle.
It came up around the chassis,
broke off on each side...
and go into your wheel well.
Now, the only thing I suggest is
that you don't make no sharp turns.
- Okay?
- Great.
A sharp turn, and you can
hang it up.
- "You can hang it up. "
- Yeah.
- I tell ya.!
- Funny.
Okay, here we go.
Ohh-ho-ho.!
Cool!
That looks great, Uncle Earl!
- That look good, don't it?
- All right!
- All right!
- I retooled your engine.
I flushed the engine out
with a toothpaste flush.
- Fluoride toothpaste. Best thing for it.
- Earl!
Hold it. There's something... You know what
this car doesn't have in it? An eight-track.
A pretty car like this
ain't got no eight-track!
I put an eight-track in. Gon' be real nice
for y'all to listen to on the way home.
Look at Dorothy.
Look at Dorothy.
Girl, if you don't look like a free case
of motor oil... 30-weight.
All right, I told you
about coveting my wife, now.
Hey, Destiny,
where's Sir Barks-A-Lot?
He doesn't need me anymore.
He's gonna stay in Missouri.
He'll be okay.
I'm sure he will, sweetie.
Nate, did you really mean
all the things you said...
about supporting my dreams?
Every word.
Oh, baby. Mmm!
Goodness!
Oh, boy.
- Home, sweet home, huh?
- Yes.!
I cannot wait to change these clothes
and take a shower.
I wasn't gonna say nothin',
but, whoa!
- Come on, guys. Inside.
- It's all up here.
We gon' do it again.
I tell you...
- Oh, Daddy, our car!
- Ohh!
Oh, Earl! Come on, Earl!
take this truck back now.
Oh, Nate, stop worrying about the truck.
You've got more important work to do.
After all, it's been... three months.
You serious, Dorothy?
Huh!
- You serious?
- Ninety days!
Uh, Nate gon' play!
Yea-eah! Open the door!
Ain't that the girl?
Ain't that the only girl?
She a pretty girl.
- Girl, you as pretty as paneling.
- Ohh.!
Pretty as wood paneling.
And, Dorothy,
you know you ain't changed.
You just as pretty as...
Look at you.! Lord, have mercy.!
Ooh, you just draw me in.!
Dorothy, I tell you... I tell you, girl,
you know, you is gorgeous.!
We're here.
We are here.
I can't believe we at Three-Tizzle.
The hottest shop in La Lizzle.
English, son.
Remember, we're in America.
- Son, your Uncle Mack is gonna trip.
- Phew! Oh!
Man, when I first left Caruthersville...
- all I had was a $50 Grimley and a Jheri curl.
- Oh!
- Look at me now. Pushin' a fully loaded...
- Oh!
Brand-new Lincoln Navigator.
Come on, Dad.
Compared to these trucks...
- yours is wack.
- What?
- I'm just sayin'. Don't get all mad at me.
- Come on.
I mean, these are
nice cars out here.
You got your Ferrari, your Lotus,
but it's no Lincoln. That's what I'm saying.
Hello, man.
Welcome to 310 Motoring.
- How may I help ya?
- I'm Nate Johnson. Is my truck ready?
Oh, Nate. Yes, it is, man.
You're the insurance guy.
I remember your truck.
Oh, snap! Hey.
Yo, that's Kurupt.
I sent him my demo tape,
like, two weeks ago.
Just act like you're my bodyguard.
Look.
- Hey, and if he come over...
- What?
Just call me M.C. "D" to theJizz-A.
- Yeah, Dad.
- Call you who to the Wizz-A?
I named you Divernius James...
After your granddaddy.
Plus that street name stuff
isn't marketable.
This rap thing, son,
there's no future in it.
There's no pension,
no 401 plan...
and obviously no dental.
That's why they all have
those gold teeth.
Oh!
Dad, come on.
Dad, come on.!
That's what I call a fully loaded 'Gator
for the haters.
The platinum grille,
Burberry interior.
Hydraulic switches, three-wheel motion,
and look at the wheels.
Oh, boy.
Son, all that Crenshaw crap
kills the resale.
Now, what self-respecting lawyer or doctor
would drive this thing now?
- Dr. Dre.
- Boy, he ain't no real doctor.
Come here now.
Look, son.
My car will be your car in...
three, four or five, six...
seven, eight, nine, 10 years...
and I don't want you thuggin' it up.
But, Dad, then why are we here?
We're here to install my Delco
eight-track tape player...
so I can listen to my music
on the trip.
Listen, if you wanted
to go old-school...
you should have had them
install your record player.
Boy, you know, those videos
got your head all mixed up.
- Now, back in my day...
- Yeah, right.
You couldn't have just two hit songs
and call yourself having a good record.
No, no, no. The whole album had to be good.
You just put it on, let it play.
Wasn't no skip buttons.
Wasn't like that mess you listen to today.
All that "rub me"
and "lick me" and "suck me. "
Gotta wear a condom just
to listen to some of it.
Oh. Oh. No, no, no, no.
- Tell me this is not my truck.
- It is, insurance man. Beautiful, isn't it?
This truck has everything.
It has TVs in the floors and the headrest...
a Nike air bag, even new 26-inch rims
just approved for public use.
Not by me. The only thing I approved
was an eight-track.
Now, where is it?
Oh, the Delco.
It must have been a mix-up...
uh, made by my brother
who we fired yesterday.
Well, imagine that, Ziggy Marley.
Now, I suggest you get
that junk off my truck right now...
before I flip you upside-down
and mop the floor with ya!
Wait, don't. Shh, shh.
Don't be so violent.
Calm down.
I can't just take it off.
It's... It's gonna take about...
- Three days.
- Uh, no. Three? Three days?
No, no, no, no.
In three days I've gotta be in Missouri...
which means
I'm on the I-10 by 10:00.
But no worries.
Just take it...
and bring it back exactly how it is.
- No charge.
- Whoa.
Better not be no charge to me.
Look, what about my eight-track?
Oh, it has eight-track,
nine-track, 10-track.
It's a C.D. Player. Don't worry, boss man.
Your ride will glide.
Yeah!
Dad. Look. Look.
Yeah!
Up, up. Down.
Yeah!
Real smooth!
Oh!
This don't make no sense.
D.J., how do you turn this thing off?
Everybody's lookin' at us.
What's up, baby?
Hey, this is hot, huh?
No, no, no.
Yo, Dad, look.
Look.
It's goin' up, up.
But here's the fun part.
Los Angeles to...
Caruthersville, Missouri.
Los Angeles to Caruthersville.
Distance: 1,888.9 miles.
That's all I need is another woman
telling me what to do.
Ooh, girl, you wanna know
my perfect outfit?
I'm thinking J. Lo's jeans. You know
the ones she had at the MTVAwards.
No, no, no. But Eve's top at the A.M.A.'s,
that was hot. I would rock that.
Open the door.
Tried that.
Here. Use this.
Hold on.
- Hello.
- Nikki, open the door.
Nikki, let your sister
get her dog stuff.
Okay.
Hmm.
Your father was supposed to be here
finish packing
and change that outfit.
Ah! Don't you answer that phone.
Whoever it is can call
when you get back.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you see that?
- Yeah.
- Dad, did you see that?
- Yeah, I saw that.
Oh, shoot.
Boy, give me the phone.
Phone ain't for you.
Upstairs, D.J.
Hello.
Hey, Mama. No.
- I told you. We'll be there in three days.
- I'm surprised.
'Cause Miss Uppity
makes you back out every year.
I don't know why
that woman doesn't like me.
Come on, Mama.
You did throw cooked rice at our weddin'.
Is that woman even coming?
Yeah. She is, uh,
packing right now.
Hold on, son.
Your brother Mack just got here
with one of those flat-screen TVs.
- Hey, Mama.
- You're always thinkin' about your mama.
- All the time, girl.
- Set it right there between J.F.K. And Jesus.
Hello.
Mack got you a plasma TV?
I don't know. Is that what you call it?
Here. Talk to your brother.
All right. Hey, little bro.
What's goin' on?
Hey, man. What happened
to the 35-inch I just sent Mama?
Ah, don't worry about it.
She, uh... She usin' it.
You ain't plannin'
on comin' down here...
and winning my Family of the Year trophy,
are you?
Man, what trophy?
Don't know anything
about no trophy.
I'm just trying to bring my fam down there
so we can see Mama. That's it.
Well, well, that's real
thoughtful of you, baby bro...
seein' as how you ain't
been here in four years.
What you tryin' to say, Mack?
Tryin' to start somethin'?
No, no, no.
I ain't tryin' to start nothin'.
It's just that you ain't
been here in so long...
kind of make me think
you're tryin' to hide somethin'.
You do remember the rules,
don't you?
- You can't win Family of the Year
if you ain't a family.
- I know.
- So, I strongly suggest...
if you want to win yourself
a trophy or somethin'...
you ought to start coaching yourself
a Little League team.
My little brother Nate.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Mama.
Hey, look.
I know he didn't hang up.
Hello? All right.
All right.
Yo, Dad.
Look, um, I'm really tired,
going back and forth.
I mean, we gotta go
all the way over there...
and then we gotta go
all the way over here.
- And then we gotta go all the way...
- All right. I get it.
Look, things are gonna be okay.
If they weren't, we wouldn't be
goin' on this trip together.
Your mother and I
are gonna work things out.
- Don't worry. Okay?
- All right. Cool.
All right, buckle up.
Lock your door.
Close your vent.
- Yeah, Dad. All right.
- Don't touch the radio.
- I said don't touch the radio.
- My bad.
Dorothy, Nikki, let's go!
Son, you wanna learn how to drive?
- For sure. Let's go.
- Give me your hand. Here's your first lesson.
Let's go!
Calm down, Nate. We'll be out in a minute.
Let's go.
Oh, no.
Don't even think about it.
Dang, Dad.
Man, what would I do
without my Mike Tyson grill?
"Tastes so good, it'll bite you back. "
- Let me go get these women.
- Yeah, do that.
Ladies, come on. Let's go.
We gotta be on the I-10 by 10:00.
And it's 9:42. Let's roll.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't tell me you are bringing
your schoolwork on this trip.
Yes. I have a test
when I get back.
- Why don't you study when we get back?
- Help me with the bags, please.
D.J., help your mother
with her bags.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
You're runnin' like
you stole something. Say hello.
- Hello, sweetie.
- Hey, Ma.
You mean you gotta do this...
Yeah, you're right.
My belly button is way better
than Beyonc's.
What? Now, see,
you've gone a little far now.
I ain't puttin'
chocolate syrup in it.
- No.
- Get off that phone and change.
- Thank you.
- That was the quarterback.
You're living under my roof,
play by my rules.
- No boys on the phone.
- You're acting like Dad.
- No boys stopping by all hours. Don't roll your eyes.
- He's a quarterback.
- That's right.
- Cell phone.
I didn't want you to have a cell phone
in the first place. Your father's idea.
Y'all are arguing about
the wrong thing.
Who made the sandwiches for the trip,
and did you go by Food Club...
and get the big thing
of planters Cheez Balls like I like 'em?
Nate, you see what she's wearing?
Actually, both y'all need to change.
You know my mama don't like pink.
Nate. "Cheez Balls. "
Daddy, I made
this outfit myself.
You need to get upstairs
and finish making the rest of it.
- But it took me...
- But nothin'. Nikki, I am your father.
I know what's best for you,
and that's go change.
L-10 by 10:00. Let's go, people.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, cutie.
- And how are you?
- Good. You?
Ah, you look so nice.
You ready for the trip?
Yep.
Nate, what happened to your car?
It looks like a purse on wheels.
Then you should feel right at home.
- Damn.
- Oh, there you go, son.
You know, if that rapping thing doesn't
work out, you'll make one hell of a bellboy.
Go ahead. All right, sweetie.
Let's get you in the car.
All right. Upsy-goesy.
Okay. Better.
All right.
Remember, baby girl.
I have a very special birthday party
planned for you at Bun World.
Yea!
Wait, Daddy.
Don't leave Sir Barks-A-Lot.
He's going to miss my birthday.
Sweetie, there is no dog, okay?
Nate, get the dog.
There.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Dad.
What the hell?
- Nikki, this better be F. T.D.
- Yoo-hoo.
His rusty tail is old enough
to be your granddaddy.
- Or Mom's big daddy.
- Dorothy.
"Yoo-hoo, Dorothy"?
Nikki. Tsk. You didn't tell me Mama's
been creepin' while Daddy's been sleepin'.
I didn't tell you 'cause you a kid.
Tsk. See, there you go.
I'm Nate Johnson.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. We'll use those flowers
for his funeral.
I reserved our favorite table
at Starbucks.
Oh.
Thanks for the book, Stan.
Uh, I really can't
accept the flowers.
Why not? L... I spent
all week picking them.
Well, we're study partners,
Stan. That's it.
- What do you mean?
- I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
What's up, brah?
Hello, brother.
Stan Turner.
Nate Johnson...
husband, 16 years.
- Nate, don't start.
- I'm just trying to take my family...
down to the reunion.
You know, uh, some spades,
a couple of family arguments...
- some softball.
- Whoa. Yes.
Whoa. Careful there.
Just a little...
Oh!
What is wrong with you?
Stan, wait.
"Stan, wait"?
I didn't get the memo. When did
we start seeing other people, Dorothy?
Don't test me. You know the only reason
I agreed to go on this trip...
is 'cause it's
Destiny's birthday tomorrow.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
I'm Nate Johnson.
Capricorn.
Check my dental records, jack.
So, where did you meet him...
that so-called accounting class?
So that's what this is all about, huh?
Me becoming a C.p. A.
I thought we settled that argument
when I moved out.
Oh, so I'm the bad guy
because I wanted you...
- to raise our kids?
- I can be a wife...
a mother and pursue my career too.
- Hey, my mother did it.
- Right. Yeah.
That's why the last time
I saw your brother, he was your sister.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
Hey, um, Nikki, can you get your sister
some Froot Loops, please?
Shut up.
Destiny, sweetie.
Be very careful
in Daddy's new truck.
Look. Everybody else, this truck
has to go back exactly the way it is.
If you break something,
then I've gotta pay for it.
Oops. Sorry, Dad.
Th-That's okay, sweetie.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
The I-10 by... 10:03.
Damn. We're late.
Yo, Dad. Who was that?
- It's S.O.S., son.
- I wish somebody can come rescue me right now.
Oh, Nate, be fair. Why don't you just
load half of your C.D.'s and half of his?
I'll load half of his C.D.'s
when he pays half of my car note.
Nate.
Fine. But I like
my music nonviolent...
with limited cussin;
So, nobody who's been shot.
Here. Come here.
Give me this.
Okay. Right here.
Tupac Shakur. Shot.
Nate. Nate, what...
Notorious B.I.G. Shot.
- Hey, Dad. What are you doin'? Mom.
- C-Murder.
Wait. Stop.
- Dad, C-Murder wasn't shot. - Yeah, but
with a name like that, he should have been.
- Sam Cooke.
- Wait. What are you doing?
Shot.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Sam Cooke.
That's "born by the river. "
You gonna make me
pull this car over.
- Marvin Gaye.
- Hey, hey.
Shot.
That is one of the greatest singers...
- He threw out Marvin Gaye.
- He was shot... by his daddy.
- Twice.
- What are you...
- Al Green.
- Wait a minute now. He wasn't shot.
- That was hot grits.
- That was close enough.
- Shot.
- Boy, that man is a reverend.
That's my pastor.
What is wrong with you?
How am I supposed to
go to church on Sunday?
Daddy, no one's been shot on this one.
Daddy, why aren't you singing?
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, Dad.!
Nate, what are you doin'?
Little shortcut.
Yeah.
Oh!
Hey!
See this fool?
What does he...
Come on.
That's it. I'm gon' have to show this redneck
what a brother looks like with a V-8...
riding 300 horses.
That's right.
That's right, baby.
I got the zoom-zoom
for your boom-boom right there.
Yeah.
Ooh, Daddy.
Look at the cute little baby.
Yeah, sucker. Yeah.
Tenderwipe that!
Yeah.
That's drivin' right there.
You know what I'm sayin'?
That's all right right there.
Hey, Dad.
Dad, get the bags.
Everybody all right?
Get the bags!
Get the Cheez Balls.!
Man, them my church shoes.!
Look out.!
Nate, do something. Oh, my God!
Daddy!
Everybody hold on!
- Guess I showed him, huh?
- You sure did.
My God.
Uh... Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Boy, that was close.
Anybody else want to drive?
You are now entering Arizona...
the Grand Canyon State.
Seventy. Increasing cloudiness...
and humid with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the east
at 1 4 miles per hour, it's currently...
Nate, the kids are tired.
It's been a long day.
Let's just start fresh tomorrow.
Oh, I guess watching me drive
wore you guys out, huh?
We're not scheduled to stop
until Boulder City.
I don't plan on stopping
till we get there.
Oh, that's a shame.
'Cause there's nothing
that I wouldn't do for a...
nice, hot... bath.
Anything?
Anything.
All right.
Dang, Dad.
Here we go.
Okay.
Okay, you guys wait right here.
I'll get the rooms.
- Welcome. And here are your keys.
- Thank you.
You know, I'm planning
a special evening tonight.
Do you have any roses, some champagne,
box of fine chocolates?
- No.
- Oh.
I'll take a couple of those
chocolate Easter bunnies.
Let me get the, uh...
the diet champagne?
And, uh, all the candles
that you have.
- We don't carry candles.
- Okay, well, is that... Yeah.
- Give me a road flare.
- That's for emergency use only.
This is an emergency.
Does your wife...
know what you're up to?
Well, actually, no.
She doesn't.
I'm keeping this
a little bit a secret from her.
Oh, yes. I bet. I bet you are.
- No, no.
- Listen, player.
I don't know what kind of
twisted affair you're having...
but it's not gonna happen
in my hotel.
Oh, no. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please.
Look. I have a surprise evening
planned for my lovely wife.
She's right outside
in the car with the kids.
I mean, that's why I got
the two rooms.
That's the sweetest thing
I've heard in years.
Oh.
And take all your goodies.
- Free of charge. On me.
- Gladys, you don't have to do that. Thank you.
Oh, please.
Husbands like you give me hope.
You got a brother?
Uncle?
- How old's your son?
- Glad... Gladys?
- You're cutting off my circulation.
- Oh. Sorry.
Hey.
Your room isn't ready yet...
but I'm gon' check on it.
Meanwhile, why don't you
get the kids settled in...
and I'll see you in a second.
Oh, yeah.
- Swimming trunks, please.
- Oh.
- Charge it to the room. Thank you.
- You got it.
Ooh, yes, he does.
Wow.
- Nate, what are you doing?
- I just, um...
brought you a little something
to help you relax.
That's what I'm talkin' about
right there.
Some bubbles
with the bubbles.
Mmm.
Plus, uh, some chocolates.
Shh, shh.
Gonna get in there with you, girl.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Oh.
That's all right there.
Good. Aah.
That's a...
Whoo.
What, you in there
cookin' neck bones, girl?
Ee-yah!
Ooh!
Aah! Gee.
Gonna fool around
and make some coffee in here.
All right. That is...
That is... That's warm.
Oh, man.
Yeah. You know, uh...
it's been a long time
since I've been in our Jacuzzi.
I was thinking...
maybe we can do that thing...
we used to do in ourJacuzzi.
Nate, I am not
getting my hair wet.
Besides, we haven't
solved anything.
Well, um, we could
solve one thing right now.
Either here...
or back up at the room.
You know, it's been three months.
Yeah, it's been three months.
That's what I'm sayin'.
It's been three months.
Yeah, three months.
Right.
Ninety days. Right?
How about, uh,
we, uh, go up to the roof?
Oh, yeah?
Or better yet, why don't we,
uh, go out to the truck?
Oh, no, baby. Anywhere but the truck.
I got to turn that back in.
Maybe we can, uh, do...
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Yeah.
- You serious?
- Yeah.
In here? You serious?
We never done that before.
Okay. All right.
Girl, you real... Oh, you're wild.
Going back to your old days.
Hey, hey.
Yeah. All right.
Come on. Your turn.
Um...
you know, I...
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Be right back.
Bathroom.
- Dorothy, you're comin' back, right?
- Uh-huh.
Don'tjust leave me out here
all alone.
Dorothy, come on.
Quit playin'.
- Oh, no.
- Good night, Nate.
Dorothy! All right.
Dorothy, see...
See what you done did.
Come on, Dorothy. Why you...
What the hell?
What's goin' on?
Why y'all all up on me?
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Uh, ladies,
if y'all see a snake, um...
trust me, he won't bite you.
- Diet champagne.
- Ooh, Easter bunnies.
- My favorite.
- Hey.
What the...
Oh. Nate.
Ohh.
So, Mr. Johnson.
- Which one's your wife?
- Hey, it's not what it looks like.
Well, guess you won't
be needing these.
Oh, no, no.
Come on. I'm gonna need those.
Come on, Gladys.
Well, uh, ladies, um...
I have to go see
a man about a horse.
Gonna get out of here.
- Y'all have a pleasant evening.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, watch it.
Hey. Oh, come on now.
- We won't peek.
- Hey. Oh. Hey!
Hey. Oh!
I saw your...
Watch your hand. Whoa-ho!
- Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.
- I'm not like that.
That belong to somebody. Come on.
Don't look. I'm shy.
Don't... Y'all. Come on.
Whoo.! Oh.!
Who does your bikini wax?
Hey, girl, how was your treatment?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Go, go.
There'll be plenty of time
for that tomorrow, okay?
Hey. Tom, Judy.
How you guys doin'?
It's a mighty fine evening.
Why don't you get rid of
the kids and the clothes...
- and we're all playing
butt-naked Uno up in 304. - Daddy.!
Nate.
Yes?
You know what you're doing?
Mm-hmm.
- Well, could you stop?
- Nope.
Why are you taking this out on me?
You brought this on yourself.
- Hello.
- Hello, Dorothy.
- Hey, you.
- I miss you. Where are you?
Um, outside of Santa Fe,
New Mexico.
"You"? Who is "you"?
Stan, please. I'm with my family.
Stan.
- Study partner, my...
- Daddy.
What's that big building over there...
right over there?
That's a mall?
It's more than a mall, sweetie.
That's Outlet 800.
It's over 800
top designers' wholesale outlets.
I just read about it
in my travel guide here.
Daddy, can we stop
and check it out?
- Oh, no, sweetie. No, no, no.
- Please?
No can do.
We could, uh, lose a whole afternoon...
- in their state-of-the-art day
spa theyjust built. - Day spa?
But you know what?
I got something better planned for us.
We're gonna stop
at Little Tanawanda Village.
Nikki, you remember?
That was your favorite place.
- No, I don't.
- She was two years old.
And I didn't sign up
for some old Indian village...
or to see
the world's largest ball of yarn.
You said "family reunion. " That means
straight to Caruthersville and straight back.
"The I-10 by 10:00."
Oh, yeah. That's funny.
That's funny, Dorothy.
You know what?
This is important, okay?
Now, I didn't tell you this before,
but I'm one-eighth and 3/1 4ths Cherokee.
All right. That's why I got the baby hair.
- Sometimes I have to shave that.
- Baby hair?
- Where's this baby hair?
- Come on. You know that get me started.
Ah, man.
I'm knocked out.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me
where's Little Tanawanda?
This is Little Tanawanda.
- Dad, I'm hittin' the arcade.
- Okay, son.
You mean to tell me...
That this is Little Tanawanda?
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right.
My man.
Why don't you just lead me to some...
real, old-school Indians...
that are, uh,
still keepin' it real.
Wait, uh, right here.
I think I know someone
who can show you, uh...
- how to get to where the real Indians live.
- Thank you.
Hey, uh, Navarro,
we got a big spender over here...
who wants to know how to
get to where the real Indians live.
Daddy, can we go now?
Just a second, babe. All right?
I got a little something workin' right here.
Daddy, can we go now?
We're about to get some directions
to a real Indian village.
Daddy, I don't care about
no little Indian village. All I wanna do...
Ahh. Take our time
and get those directions.
How.
- My name's Navarro.
- Uh-huh.
I hear you seek
real Indian village.
I think I can help you...
and your daughter.
We are here.
Way at the top.
If you follow
Running Bear River south...
as the sparrow flies...
then take
Walking Buffalo Road east...
- a half moon to the crossing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's way too much energy there, Red Bull.
All right? Bring it down.
And then ride bareback
I'm in a truck. All right?
A Lincoln Navigator.
Oh. Just take I-53 northeast.
I'm gon' take that service road.
- Beautiful.
- What you say your name was again?
- Navarro.
- Oh, okay. I see.
Okay. Um, in the land
of my ancestors...
some tribes may be, uh,
reluctant to embrace you.
Therefore, I strongly recommend you
wear something that gives you authority.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I remember wearing one of these.
- Yeah.
That's right. I can make it rain.
How about me
giving you my number?
Hi-how-are-ya! Hi-how-are-ya!
I'm going to lunch.
My number in case you get lost.
- All right.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Back off my daughter, man...
before you end up
being called Little Broken Jaw.
- Daddy, what are you doing?
- Come here. What is your problem, huh?
You know what? I am not a little girl
anymore. Those days are way over.
- I can handle myself.
- You can what?
You gonna get handled, you keep talking...
I don't know who you think...
You've been gone three months, and then
you're gonna try and tell me what to do.
- You live up the street, remember?
- Gi...
You're gonna need some allowance money.
That's what you'll remember.
Get in the car.
And you... I... I'll fight
an Indian. All right?
I dance with wolves, okay?
And as for you, little miss pocahontas...
until we get to the reunion,
your little fast tail is grounded.
- You can't ground me in no car.
- I can't ground you? Oh, really?
How about no more TV?
- So? I ain't watchin' no TV.
- Mm-hmm.
No more computer.
- And no more cell phone.
- Daddy.
See? Just like home.
You are now entering Colorado,
the Centennial State.
Look, Daddy.
That lady needs a ride.
Kids, look. Remember,
if I never taught you anything else...
never pick up strangers.
She could have just as well
been a serial killer.
We are in the middle of nowhere.
Tell me you're not about to
pick up a hitchhiker.
Baby, what would Jesus do?
Thanks for picking me up...
and, um, opening the door.
No one does that no more.
You must be a real man.
Uh... I... I'm Nate Johnson,
and, uh, that's Nikki.
- Hi.
- That's DJ.
- Hey. What's up?
- And that's little Destiny.
And, uh, this is Dorothy.
She lives down the street.
- Daddy.
- Well, it's true. She does.
- So, what's your name?
- Chrishelle.
Chrishelle Rene Boudreau.
Boudreau.
You hear that?
- Don't we have some Boudreaus down in Shreveport?
- No.
You know, I thought you had
that Johnson look.
Well, if you're family, you should
ride down to Caruthersville with us.
It's our family reunion.
DJ., you can't give out
that information to strangers.
Uh, no offense, Chrishelle.
I understand.
There are some crazy people
out there.
- Hey, Nikki.
- Yes?
- Take a picture of me and Chrishelle.
- No, no, no.
Uh, some people say if you're
ever caught on film, you lose your soul.
Are we there yet?
I'm starvin'.
No, Daddy,
I'm about to pass out.
Hold on, everyone.
Heaven is just around the corner.
Bun World. One mile.
I want Chuck E. Cheese.
Boy, what are you doing?
Are your braids too tight?
Put that down. You know we say grace.
And since Chrishelle here
is our guest...
I'd like you to bless the food,
if you don't mind.
Sure. All right.
Close your eyes.
God is great, God is...
Daddy, Sir Barks-A-Lot
ran away.
No, baby. No, he didn't.
Come on. Sweetie.
- Okay. All right.
- I love you, Sir Barks-A-Lot.
Have a seat back down.
Honey, you got me.
- Sorry, Daddy.
- I'll get it.
- No, you won't.
- What?
Uh, look, I'm gonna go to the restroom
and, uh, get this off.
Chrishelle,
finish blessing the food.
Can you cover for me?
- Whoops.
- Excuse me. I'm the one who called about the birthday cake.
They're putting
the finishing touches on it now.
- Uh, where is your bathroom?
- Just past the pool table.
God is great,
God is good.
Let us thank him
for our food.
Friends of the night,
please cover us.
Black as a pit.
Deeper than the depths of the abyss.
I call upon
the power of darkness...
to help me cast this unbreakable spell.
Make us all as one.
Chrishelle, Dorothy...
Nikki, Destiny, Nate
and his son.
Amen.
Okay. All righty.
Here we go.
Oh.!
Hey, buddy, you okay in there? 'Cause it
smell like the circus done came to town.
Damn it.
No toilet paper.
Oh, well.
Ahhh. Ah, my cake spatula.
Almost forgot that.
Hey, buddy. You know how
to spell "Destiny"?
Never mind.
I'll figure it out.
Enjoy your lunch.
I know they say the Navigator is supposed
to seat eight people comfortably...
but I don't think they meant
all in the front seat.
Dorothy, okay, I've got us
a couple of rooms here.
One for the guys,
one for the girls.
- Looks like we're roommates.
- Adjoining rooms.
Uh, Nate, sweetie...
why don't we give our guest
a room for herself?
You know how Destiny loves to
snore the paint off the walls.
And, um, you can sleep
with me and the kids.
Oh, yeah. That's funny. Maybe, uh,
we can just meet in the hot tub again.
Uh, I don't mind sharin'.
Snoring doesn't bother me none.
See? Right there.
Chrishelle doesn't mind.
No, Nate. I insist
you sleep with me.
Okay, all right.
The begging is not becoming of you.
Good night.
I'll see y'all tomorrow.
I'll see you in a minute.
- What is goin' on?
- Slackin' on your pimpin', Dad.
You need to ditch her.
Let me see those toes.
Are they nice and clean? Yeah?
- Yeah, Mom.
- "Yeah, Mom. "
- St... Stop playin'.
- Will you stop?
- Go back.
- Stop hogging the TV.
Well, why don't you go
talk on your cell phone?
Oh. Oh. I forgot.
You grounded.
- I can't stand your ugly butt.
- Capital "G." Oh!
- Why you do that?
- I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad.
- All right. Enough.
- See?
I guess I found the only Chuck E. Cheese
in the whole state.
- Okay. Look.
- I'm the oldest. I'm the oldest.
Settle down. No one eats until
your sister eats. It's her birthday.
- Daddy.
- Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
I hope she enjoys this.
Destiny, Daddy's got
a surprise for you.
- Hit it.
Ah, you got it.
Nate, stop it.
Stay on your side of the bed.
Nate, I'm serious now.
Hey, it's not me.
Stop hogging all the covers.
All right.
All right, all right.
Aaah!
What?
Get out.!
Get out, get out.!
Get up!
I'm gonna do somethin'.
I'm gonna do somethin'.
Use my shoe.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
Yeah, the shoe!
The shoe!
Aaah!
- Daddy.
- Get back.
- Get out there, Dad.
- Hit it hard!
- Get the alligator! Kill him!
- Get him, Dad.
I know what I'm doing.
I got what I'm doing.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- Be careful.
Daddy, you're struggling.
Daddy, you're struggling.
Hey. Hey, Daddy, I'm comin;
- I'm gon' help you right now.
- D.J.
DJ...!
Don't go in there!
Oh! Get him, Dad.
I got him.
Get him, Dad.
Get him, Dad.
Oh!
- Hold up.
- I got him. I got him.
You can't drown no alligator.
They live in water.
- That's they habitat.
- I'm gonna flush him.
That's right, Dad.
Flush him. Flush him.
Twinkie? Twinkie.
- Twinkie?
- It's not bath night.
- What... You know this thing?
- Oh, come to Mom.
Oh, Twinkie wouldn't hurt a fly.
- Let's go.
- No. I know, I know.
Shh. Dorothy, your shoes
makin'too much noise.
- Take those off. D.J., pick up your sister.
- I got her.
You are now entering Kansas,
the Sunflower State.
Yo, Dad, can we pull over?
No, son. We can't stop.
I can already smell my mama's cookin'.
But I really need to go.
It'll only take a sec.
D.J., we just stopped in WaKeeney.
Now, I warned you about drinking
all those pepsis so close together.
You're just gonna have to
learn a lesson.
Think of something dry, like...
Mama's meat loaf.
- Come on, Dad.
- We are not stoppin'.
Oh!
You know, son...
the only reason
I'm hard on you is...
well, because one day you'll
wear the pants in your own family.
People will depend on you.
Now, how can they do that...
if your pants are hanging
all off your behind?
Have you thought about what you're gonna
do if this rap thing doesn't work out?
Well, I was thinking about
law school...
or medical school.
But then Mom said
she'll help me incorporate.
So, I was thinking about...
coming out with my own line
of hip-hop pajamas.
- Pajamas?
- Yeah. You know how puffy has Sean John...
and then Jigga has Rocawear?
- Oh, my goodness.
- Check this out.
D.J.'s p. J.'s.
Baggy always.
Baggy.
I told your mother not to stand by the
microwave when she was pregnant with you.
Wait a minute.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.
Stan?
Stan. Yeah, right.
There you go, Stanley.
Yeah.
Man, where's my...
Ah. Let me get
a little swallow.
No. No, no. No.
Dad, don't drink that.
Nah. Dad.
- Dad. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
- What the...
Uh-oh. I wouldn't have
done that if I were you.
Boy, look, I've been driving
since before you were born, okay?
- But you hit a cop.
- I didn't hit a cop.
Oh, I hit a cop.
- Aaah!
- Dad, we off the road.!
- What?
- Whoa.
- Nate, stop!
- Whoa!
Hey, Dad, what are you doing?
Aaah!
Oh, my...
Oh! No!
No, no, no, no.
Come on, man.
- No. Come on. I gotta take this car back.
- Man.
No. Come on, man.
This'll cost me a fortune.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, now the cops.
Biblio... Biblio... Biblioteca.
Oh.
Look. We'll be out of this thing
in 60 seconds.
Hey, hey, Officer.
What's goin' on?
CHips. L... I like that show.
You kinda like a chocolate CHip.
You know what I'm say... CHip ahoy.
- Is everything okay?
- What's up, brother? I can see...
it's a little hot out here
and you got...
Look, man, I'm just tryin' to take
my family down to the reunion.
You know what I'm saying?
So, can you hook a brother up, brother?
Under arrest? All of us?
- For what, man?
- Like you don't know.
You got those rapper rims
wrapped around your tires...
like you had your lips
wrapped around this here reefer pipe.
You should be
ashamed of yourself...
using that poor little girl
like a pack mule.
If we were
two counties south...
you would be in the chair.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and I'll sue. I'll sue.
- As a matter of fact, open the gate.
- Nate, come on.
No. Dorothy, let me tell... Open up.
Ain't nothin' but space and opportunity.
That's right.
Look at big, old...
So, what's that gonna be? What you
gonna do with that? I mean...
Daddy!
Mama.
Oh.
Hey. Hey, brother.
L... I mean, Officer.
Hey, I apologize.
- So, can we all go now?
- Tell it to the judge on Monday.
Monday? Man, I gotta be
in Caruthersville by tomorrow.
I don't care
where the hell you gotta be.
You stay in here,
and you shut up.
I have an audit tomorrow.
Destiny.
Muffins.
- Tell your mother for me...
- You told me not to talk to drug dealers.
- What is goin' on?
- I said shut it!
Uh, excuse me, Sheriff.
If you use the 1040 long form...
you can write off
more than just those doughnuts.
What else can I write off?
- Ma's a saint, huh?
- Yeah, she nice.
She all right.
Still gonna go to
Harold's Waffles and Check Cashing...
to get my taxes done.
See, Officer, your biggest problem was
not enough pretax write-offs.
- That's all.
- Oh.
Well, um, thank you, pretty lady.
Um, uh, what can I do for you?
How about the keys?
Nate. The reunion's tomorrow.
We're out of cash.
We... We look a mess.
Let's just pull over
and get ourselves together.
Oh, no. No, no.
Dorothy, no.
Nothing is gonna stop me
from getting that trophy.
And with no food stops,
no bathroom breaks...
anybody that's tired
can sleep in the car.
Nate, no. Nate!
Look at our kids.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right. I hear you.
We'll pull over.
Thank you.
Oh. No way.
Uh-uh. Nope. That's it.
Hold on. We're goin'.
Fine, Nate. You can drag us
to this family reunion if you want to.
But don't expect me to pretend like
everything's perfect just to impress your mama.
What?
What do you mean by that?
I mean, if she asks me
how we're doing, I'm gon' tell her.
- No, you not! No! No, Dorothy, no.
- Mm-hmm!
That woman has been against
our marriage from the very beginning.
I don't care
how hard you try.
- You will not give her the satisfaction of being right!
- Heh. Watch me.
Nate, how long has that
warning light been on?
Don't worry.
We're not gonna run out of gas.
Trust me.
- Oh, shoot.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding.
Ahh.
Come on!
Come on. Come on.
All right, c...
Okay. All right.
Look, don't panic.
We can still make it
to the reunion.
All right,
I'll just make a call.
Oh, come on. I forgot
to recharge the batteries.
Oh, you gotta be kidding.
Oh, look. Looks like there's a phone
a couple miles up the road.
- A couple miles?
- I'll be right back.
- You're not gonna...
- I'll be right back.
Nate!
Oh, man.
I should run a little bit.
Okay.
That's enough of that.
Wait. What's up?
What's up?
All right, let's see.
All right, let's just find a phone,
call Uncle Earl.
It'll be simple.
Be outta this thing.
Aw, shoot.
Oh, man.! Come on.!
The corn?
I ain't goin' in no corn.
Nope.
Yaah! Aah! Aah!
This... This, uh...
Oh, come on, man!
Who would put a phone
up on a pole? Aww.!
Here we go. Right hand, left foot.
Left foot, right hand.
Just like Twister.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Okay. All right. All right.
Hello? Operator.
I need Earl Johnson.
Could you get me
Earl Johnson?
Uncle Earl! This is Nate!
Yeah, right, right. Glorietta's boy.
We ran out of gas on Route 12.
Can you come get us?
Looks like y'all seen a ghost.
It's just you, Uncle Earl.
Yeah, it's just me. Who you thought
it was gonna be? Bobby Brown?
That the older girl back there? Girl,
you as pretty as new carpet! Look at her!
Where you stayin'?
Well, we're on our way to the...
- Y'all gon' go down to the house?
- Yeah.
I got room for ya.
Yeah, girl, I got double-wide bunk beds.
Yeah, you come up there,
I'll sleep on top, you be on the bottom.
Either way. You be on bottom, I be on top.
I take it any way I can get it!
I'll take it any way I can get it!
- I said I'll take it any way I can get it!
- I heard you.
Get that hood off.
First thing I gotta do.
Boy, give me the jackhammer.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Here you are.
- Set it down there.
- Whoa!
- Here we go! Here we go! That's right!
Here we go!
There it is!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Watch our headlights!
Looks like y'all ain't
gon' need these fog lights.
I think we just need some gas.
Gas? Heh!
You want gas,
you try some of Glorietta's pinto beans.
Don't worry.
I'll work out a plan.
Fourteen, 15 years, I know
a little somethin' 'bout a car, okay?
You just... You keep them little sweet
legs on the inside and don't get hurt.
Sitting there lookin' hot butter.
Hot butter yellow!
Girl is lookin' good.!
Here, boy.
Look like I'm gon' use my heavy artillery.
Lemme get the tweezers.
These my eyelash curlers. Yeah, that's
more delicate. That's more delicate.
Uh, all right.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Ahh.
- You need this?
Okay,
hold on to that.
Oh, God. You're killin' me, Unc.
Yo, Unc, come on.
Come on.
Now hold this and lean that...
lean that over there for me.
Now hand me
the duct tape.
What?
Oh!
Yeah, these are trusty-dusties.
Always use them.
Yeah, one of the best things
you can use is a curling iron.
So, you fixed it, Earl?
Uh-oh.
There's two answers to that one...
No and not yet.
What I realize is...
It's a funny thing. Y'all ain't got no gas.!
- That's what I told you.
- All this time, you didn't have no gas!
But I'll get this thing runnin'.
It'll run on lawn mower fluid.
Put lawn mower fluid in there.
You won't go as fast.
You'll go about 16 miles an hour.
So I'd always say
stay in the slow lane.
It's gon' take you about, oh...
gon' take about 16, 17 days
to get back to California.
- What?
- But y'all a family. Y'all'll have a good time.
I know exactly what to do to have
this car back up on its feet and rollin'.
Baby, how you doin'?
There you go.
Thank you.
Just what you think you doin'?
Stickin' your fingers in my food.
Hey, Uncle Earl.!
Park around back.!
I don't want nobody
messin' with my truck!
All right.
I hear you, nephew.
Hey, everybody.! Look who I found on
the side of the road.! It's Nate and them.!
Just let us out right here.
This is good, right here.
- Nathaniel! Come on. I'm gon' have to spank your butt.
- Oh, it's Uncle Nate.
Oh, Lord have mercy.
Girl, you look good.
If you don't look like
hot sauce on a pork rind, I tell ya...
- Come on, give Earl some of that.
- Oh! Uh... Uh...
You is a hot-buttered red bone...
Look at you, girl.!
- You look delicious, like a perfect piece of fried chicken.
- Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl.! Come on, man.
That's my wife.
- Come on, baby.
- Stop bein' a player-hater.
- Can you do something with the truck?
- I'm gon' take care of that.
Don't you worry about it.
I'll take the carburetor off there,
put it back on, take the concrete off there.
That'll be about $25-35. But just bring me
back a six-pack of beer, that's all.
Look, there's the hill where
the tree was I told you I fell out of.
- And there's the lake I used to fish...
- Hey, second-born!
Junior Mint.!
Mama's little mistake
down at the lake.
- How y'all doin'?
- Hey, Mack.
- Hey, Dorothy. I don't know how you do it.
- Mack, how you doin'?
Hey, look, Mama up here at the table.
Y'all come on.
Ooh-wee!
Hey, Mama!
- Grandma!
- And there's the birthday girl!
Oh, look at you guys!
My God! You're gettin' so big!
Look at you!
Dorothy, I can't believe
we finally got you down here.
I guess that means
you two are still together.
Well, Glorietta,
the truth is that...
- I can't believe you two made it this far.
- What you talkin' 'bout, Mama?
- The trip's less than 2,000 miles.
- I'm not talkin' about miles.
Talkin' 'bout years.
Anyway,
what were you gonna say?
What I was gonna say is...
Nate and I are going to renew
our wedding vows on Valentine's Day...
and we would sure love
for you to join us.
Mmm.
Come on, child.
Food's on the table.
Family's waitin' for you.
Both my boys here.
This is better than Christmas.!
Even better than that Christmas
I got you that new car, Mama?
Mack, you know
this ain't no competition.
We gon' let Mack and Nate pray.
See which one of'em was payin'
more attention in Sunday school.
Well, I guess since I'm the oldest,
I go first.
Fine.
All right, everyone,
bow your heads...
and close your ears.
Your eyes.
Everybody close your eyes.
Gracious God, I come to you...
as humbly as I know how...
Yes, Lord.
Praising you
and giving you thanks...
for bringing us together
yet another year...
helping us come together
to help celebrate...
my victory...
and Nate's agony of defeat.
Let us eat.
Father, Lord, we thank you...
for allowing us to come together
and share with one another.
Father, we know that you
created the birds that fly...
and gave the dogs a voice to bark.
But you wouldn't have
had to create the sun...
if you knew Mack was gonna be sittin'
over there in that bright yellow shirt...
lookin'sunny-side up like
a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.!
- Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord!
- Mm-mmm-mmm.
We, Father God, also realize...
that you are the creator
of earth and heaven...
moon and the stars.
That's how I know...
ain't no way
you had nothin' to do...
with creatin' that tacky,
gangsta-lookin', wheel-spinnin'S.U. V...
that Uncle Earl had to
drag up in here.
Hold on, Father!
Hold up! Wait a minute!
What about the time
you put pepto-Bismol in the Kool-Aid...
and everybody had diarrhea
for the summer?
- Don't let me have to mention that to Mama!
- Hold on.!
What about the time you burned down
all the bushes 'round the house...
'cause you got tired of goin'outside,
gettin'your own switch...
Ohhh, Father!
Need I have to remind Mack
while Mama's standin' here...
that he the one that had Nanette Green
in the back room...
and was doin' the nasty
on Mama's good quilt...
and that's why she couldn't
get them stains off of it?
In Jesus' name!
Let's eat.
- But, Mama... B-But, Mama, look...
- Uh-uh.!
Y'all just got through prayin'.
Don't make me cuss up in here.
- Remember there was a lamp...
- Aah! I got all the stories.
That's great.
Let's go down here
and visit with Nate's family.
Drove all the way here
from California.
Last time they was here
little Destiny was two years old.
Hey, Nate.
How you doin', kids?
Hey, how's it goin'?
Kinfolk.!
I'll be over there in a minute.
Cousin Nate! Favorite kinfolk!
Hey, man!
- How you doin', man? You doin' all right?
- All right.
Heard you doin' good in that
insurance thing. I'm proud of ya.
We all proud of ya, but I'm especially
proud of... What did I tell ya?
I told you two years ago... Me, now.
Do that insurance thing.
- That's right.
- I told you. Look at you now.
Let me hold somethin'.
- Come on, Bodie! I just got here, man.
- Well, anything, any...
What about them glasses?
Them prescription?
Look... Look, man, I'll see if
I can do somethin' for you later.
All right.
You know you my favorite kinfolk.
I'll be right here.
- I know.
- I ain't goin' nowhere.
- I know you not.
- Watchin' every move.
Why y'all leave me
over there with him?
Hey, yo, Johnson family, it's time
for the event we've all been waitin'for.
That's right... the 2004
Family of the Year Competition!
Y'all ready to do this?
Let's get this thing started.!
Crawl, like we worked on.
I've got you. Not gonna let you go.
- He's nothing.
- Don't let him scare you.
Don't let him scare you.
Here we go. All right.
- Okay.
- All right, sweetie.
- I'm gonna do it, Daddy.
- Do it.
- We need this.
- I know, Daddy.
Oh, there they go again.
Stop that fightin;!
- Hey, Mama.
- On your mark.
Get set.
Go!
Come on, Junior.!
You got 'em.! You got 'em, Mack.!
Go!
- You got 'em, baby! Do it, MackJunior!
- Go! Come on!
Monkey bar swingin'!
Monkey bar swingin'!
- Go!
- You got it.! You got it.!
Come on.!
Oh, Lord, he fell!
Hey, you...
- Yeah!
- Daddy, I did it!
She cheated!
Next event, the water
balloon toss.! Let's do this, y'all.!
Somebody gonna get
a whuppin' out here.
Mack, that gives your family two points
and Nate's family two points.
Last event... the sack race, y'all!
Oh, yeah, baby. You can kiss
that Family of the Year trophy good-bye.
Oh, I will...
every mornin' on my way to work.
Get set.! Go.!
- Till you were 12!
- I ain't had no plastic on the bed.
- Yes, you did, bed wetter.
- H-H-Hold up, man.
- Ain't nobody peed in the bed.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You act like you tryin'to pull somethin'...
- You always talkin' that stuff.
I know that was you
that hung up on me.
Whatever!
Why you runnin'?
Ain't nobody runnin'!
- Throw him to the ground!
- Why you got my leg?
That's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
- You done made us lose the race.
- I ain't thinkin' about that race.
Why you tryin' to get ahead of me?
Why you tryin'...
Why you lookin'...
I'm first! I'm first!
I think I hurt my corn.
We got a tie, y'all.
Ha-ha, Johnson family! What?
- Kinfolk.!
- Yeah, what's up?
Heard you in California,
'bout to break in that rap game, baby!
- Whoo! 'Bout to get paid!
- Hey!
Let me hold somethin'.
I don't have no money on me right now.
You know? I'm broke.
- You ain't got nothin'?
- Nada.
What about them tennis shoes right there?
What size those?
They're my size.
You trippin'.
Kinfolk!
That's right. You know how we do it
Johnson family style.
It's time to really get our party on now.
Come on, Johnsons!
There's no time to rehearse.
It's time for some Johnson magic.
This is for the trophy.
- The talent show is the tiebreaker event.
- Right.
Destiny and I will do choreography.
But what do we do for costumes?
- Mama, I'll do it.
- What about the music?
I got the music.
- We gon'hit 'em
upside the head with this one.
- Everyone know what they're supposed to do?
- Yeah.!
Okay, Johnson family on three.
- One! Two! Three!
- Johnsons!
- All right, let's go. All right?
- Got it.
All right. Okay.
Big Shaq-style boy.! That's you, Mack.!
- Hey, D.J.!
- You are the mack from way back.!
Mack-a-licious.!
Mack-a-docious.! Mack-tastic.!
You Mack-aroni, dog.!
Mack-adamia.!
You Mack.! Man, you the Mack.!
Their moves are so tight.
I see why they win every year.
Oh, come on, baby. It's nothing.
Look at Mack out there.
Little karate uniform on, lookin'
like Nappy Chan doin' "Try-Bo. "
Come on.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you all.
Hear me when I say it to you.
We do love you.
We love everybody. Got love for you.
No, no.! We do love you all.!
Now, comin' up next is
my baby brother Nate and his family.
Please do somethin'.
Clap or somethin'.
But whatever you do,
Lord, have mercy...
please don't fall asleep.
Love you!
Nate, you sure got your work
cut out for you.
- Nate's back again.!
- Nate's stuff is raggedy.!
What's Nate gon'do?
- What's up, D.J.?
- Let's do this, dog!
- You know they ain't got nothin;!
- All right.
All right, everybody get on board.
This is Nate Johnson.
We are the Johnson family
from Los Angeles.
Gettin' ready to give it to ya
a little somethin' like this.
Watch out, Mack! Ha-ha!
All right, now, Johnsons.
Y'all come on with it now.
Here we go!
That music's feelin' so good right
there! Make me wanna do this right here!
Oh, yeah!
It's Big Nate Johnson!
Gettin' ready to bring it to ya
right here! Here's D.J.!
That's my son right there!
Yeah.! Whoo.!
Whoo!
Didn't I tell you
I could rhyme?
- That's all right!
- We did it!
Here, man, take that.
You can use that, dog.
Okay, y'all, come on!
Okay, y'all,
time to choose a winner.
Good job, man.
Great job.
Good job, man.
Good job.
- Yeah, we beat 'em.
- Okay, y'all.
Now, we the Johnson family...
and y'all know how we do it,
so let's get it on.
- Who thinks Mack's family
won the talent competition?
Calm down. Calm down.
Damn.
How you doin'?
Is she family?
All right, it was close...
but...
Nate's family wins the title!
- Congratulations, son.
- Thank you, Mama.
Oh, Father.
You know what?
I just realized I don't need this trophy
to prove I have a great family.
Here.
The only trophy I need
is these four right behind me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Long as I got the trophy.
I got the trophy!
Mack. Mack.!
- We got the trophy.!
- Come on, dog. Mack!
Come on, man.
We brothers.
We should be teammates,
not competitors.
- Yeah...
- What do you say?
Yeah, you're right, Nate.
Yes! Yes!
We got it! Come on.
Yes! I got the trophy!
Anyway, you know what?
- I realize that after this victory today...
- Yeah?
Nothing can separate us.
Get out the way, june bug!
Where the truck come from?
Oh, Father!
Oh, Father!
I'm okay, baby.
Oh, Lord, why not me?
Jesus, why not me?
I can't believe this!
This trophy ain't never
done nothin' to nobody!
What did I ever do?
What did I do?
Oh, Father!
Who beat me?
What is he doing?
Oh, my God.
- Stan, what are you doing here?
- Yeah!
Dorothy, you said...
you wanted
to be with me forever.
I said our professor
was lecturing forever.
- Man, are you the dude drivin' the truck?
- Stan, you are crazy.
We only studied together twice.
And one of those times
was over the phone!
- I have a husband!
- Yeah, she has a husband!
You ruin my family reunion
with this nonsense?
If that's the case, then why do you two
live in separate houses?
Yeah.
Why do you live
in separate houses?
Mama, Dorothy and I have been
separated for about three months.
Ohh!
I knew it.
I knew it!
Look, it's all my fault why
we're not together. All right?
I just haven't supported her
in her dreams.
She's a beautiful,
intelligent woman...
and the copilot of my plane.
Nate got a plane?
Mama, where did Nate get a plane?
Mack, will you hush, please.
And, Mama, look, I've let you drive a wedge
between me and my wife for all these years.
Furthermore, she's the mother
of your grandchildren.
So I suggest you get used to her,
because I'm not letting her go anywhere.
Ah!
- And neither am I.
- You know what? That's about enough of you.
- Uh-uh! No, no, no, no!
- Dad, don't do that!
Would you leave, Stan? Please!
Wait! Don't do it, son.
- Let me!
- Ohh!
Mama cracked him!
Mama say c-crack!
Mama was your dessert!
That's what the Johnsons do!
She's still got it.
You know what?
I ain't never heard you
talk about Dorothy that way.
And you know what else?
It's about time.
- Thank you, Mama.
- That's right, Dad.
All right, I gotta get my family outta here.
We gotta head back home.
But you just got here.!
I know, but...
my wife has a test to study for.
- Kids, let's go change. Bye, Mama.
- Bye, baby.
- Dorothy.
- All right, now, little brother.
- Bye, Grandma.
- Bye, D.J.
- Y'all come back! Don't stay gone so long.
- All right.
Oh, man.
- Yeah.!
- Nate! Nate!
It's Nate Johnson! All day!
Trophy and my little brother?
And I'm Mack Johnson!
That's all week.!
I wonder... I wonder if Uncle Earl
know how to fix this.
I'm gon' ask... Uncle Earl!
Hey!
Huh!
Huh! Yeah!
- Reenie?
- Yeah, baby?
Get in here, girl!
D.J., is that our door?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Is this our bumper?
- This is the bumper from the truck.
- Looks like it, but...
And... these are the seats.
Oh, my God. These seats
come right out of the truck.
Dorothy, that is the door.!
Looks like the door.
We don't know.
You ain't got nothin' on that Robot.
You know, I do the Robot.
Oh, my God!
Move somethin;!
- That's my kid!
- Look.
Okay. Okay.
Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl!
Oh, hey there, nephew.
Y'all caught me off guard.
Caught me doin' my little thing...
Look at Dorothy.
Girl, you look good.
Girl, if you don't look like
a hot cup of soup, and I got the flu...
- This my baby, Tangerine.
- Hi!
Yeah, don't she look like you?
She look just like you. I tell her all
the time, "You look just like Dorothy. "
You know what, Dorothy?
This could've all been yours. All this...
Reenie, come on, now.
Quit playin'.
You know I'm p-I-M-p.
If you don't mind, it's been a long trip
and we wanna get back home...
so, did you fix the truck yet?
Oh, yeah, it's ready.
Truck is ready. That's what I do.
Yeah, come on out.
Yeah.
Yes, indeedy!
Now, I'm gon' have to tell you...
the only thing I had to do here that was
really special... want you to be aware of...
I had to run a coat hanger
through the middle of the vehicle.
It came up around the chassis,
broke off on each side...
and go into your wheel well.
Now, the only thing I suggest is
that you don't make no sharp turns.
- Okay?
- Great.
A sharp turn, and you can
hang it up.
- "You can hang it up. "
- Yeah.
- I tell ya.!
- Funny.
Okay, here we go.
Ohh-ho-ho.!
Cool!
That looks great, Uncle Earl!
- That look good, don't it?
- All right!
- All right!
- I retooled your engine.
I flushed the engine out
with a toothpaste flush.
- Fluoride toothpaste. Best thing for it.
- Earl!
Hold it. There's something... You know what
this car doesn't have in it? An eight-track.
A pretty car like this
ain't got no eight-track!
I put an eight-track in. Gon' be real nice
for y'all to listen to on the way home.
Look at Dorothy.
Look at Dorothy.
Girl, if you don't look like a free case
of motor oil... 30-weight.
All right, I told you
about coveting my wife, now.
Hey, Destiny,
where's Sir Barks-A-Lot?
He doesn't need me anymore.
He's gonna stay in Missouri.
He'll be okay.
I'm sure he will, sweetie.
Nate, did you really mean
all the things you said...
about supporting my dreams?
Every word.
Oh, baby. Mmm!
Goodness!
Oh, boy.
- Home, sweet home, huh?
- Yes.!
I cannot wait to change these clothes
and take a shower.
I wasn't gonna say nothin',
but, whoa!
- Come on, guys. Inside.
- It's all up here.
We gon' do it again.
I tell you...
- Oh, Daddy, our car!
- Ohh!
Oh, Earl! Come on, Earl!
take this truck back now.
Oh, Nate, stop worrying about the truck.
You've got more important work to do.
After all, it's been... three months.
You serious, Dorothy?
Huh!
- You serious?
- Ninety days!
Uh, Nate gon' play!
Yea-eah! Open the door!
Ain't that the girl?
Ain't that the only girl?
She a pretty girl.
- Girl, you as pretty as paneling.
- Ohh.!
Pretty as wood paneling.
And, Dorothy,
you know you ain't changed.
You just as pretty as...
Look at you.! Lord, have mercy.!
Ooh, you just draw me in.!
Dorothy, I tell you... I tell you, girl,
you know, you is gorgeous.!