Joseph Andrews (1977) Movie Script

To poverty and hardship,
this young man, he was born
His kind and loving parents
Could scarcely feed their young
The times were hard and bitter
There was no work to do
Until at length in service
This young child was forced
to go
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one
could his company deny
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one
could his company deny
All the wild beasts of the pack
would follow in his track
But he had no heart
to whip them
Or to drive
the poor hounds back
The savage was made gentle, the
cruel was turned kind
And all by the virtue
of his loving heart and hand
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one
could his company deny
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one
could his company deny
As a pageboy he was called
to serve at Booby Hall
In a suit of finest clothing,
he was set to beck and call
To carry trays and glasses
To serve the best of wine
And to wait upon this lady,
so elegant and so fine
With an angel's voice, indeed,
oh, he would the choir lead
And raise his sound
in melody on high
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one could
his company deny
He was such a gentle boy
Such a pure and gentle boy
That no one could
his company deny.
When are we going to visit
the city again, Thomas?
La grande ville.
I declare, these country
pleasures are
as coarse as a fart
at a first communion.
Oh, rise up, Miss Fanny,
all in your cloak of silk
For summer is a'coming today
And all your body underneath as
white as any milk
In the merry morning of May
Where are the young men
who now should advance?
For summer is a'coming today
Oh, some, they are in England,
and some, they are in France
In the merry morning of May
Oh, rise up, Miss Fanny
All in your cloak of silk
For summer is a'coming today
And all your body underneath
as white as any milk
In the merry morning of May.
Just an excuse for debauchery.
Sans doute, Madame.
And probably some naughty
goings-on, as well.
Tell George
to take us home, Slipslop.
Convey us
chez nous, George.
Go to work, you two.
There's supper to be served.
Get that rubbish.
She's just a little
kitchen creature,
you know, Joey.
She don't know nothing about
You help me, Joey.
Forks on the left.
What's he practicing for now?
go and tell him to stop at once.
Yes, Sir Thomas.
When are
we leaving here?
Those bells will drive me mad
if it's not soon.
We leave at dawn tomorrow.
Music hath charms
to soothe the savage breast.
Sir Thomas has asked me
to tell you that you must...
Sir Thomas and Lady Booby,
I hear, are bound for Bath
and are intending
to take you with them.
Yes, but, you must
stop because...
Sir Thomas is
getting very upset,
because you're...
you're spoiling his dinner.
Your Latin will suffer
if you go to Bath.
But it will be
a great opportunity,
Lady Booby says,
to see the world.
if a man were
to sail the world
and anchor in every harbor
of it,
he would return home
as ignorant as he departed...
without learning.
Unless, of course,
his interest lay in harbors.
That would add to his knowledge.
But I would like to see
the... riches of the world, sir.
Just once.
I'd hoped that your reading
had profited you more.
You disappoint me.
Joseph? Joseph?
The mistress is taking you
to Bath tomorrow.
But how...?
I'm afraid of what might happen
to you in the city.
Fanny, I...
I'll surely die if you leave me.
Don't worry, my love.
I'll talk to Parson Adams.
He'll arrange something.
My lady...
My lady, I...
I have a request to make of you.
On the cadge again, no doubt.
No more bell practice, j'espre.
Practice makes perfect,
my lady.
Practice makes
a bloody awful din.
Oh, I...
I had no intention,
Sir Thomas, of, uh...
Oh, my pudding!
Oh, my foot!
Get him out of here!
Oh, get him out of here...
before I murder you!
Get out!
Ah! Mrs. Slipslop.
Mrs. Slipslop, may I have
a moment with you?
Please proceed.
I always enjoy loquation
with a man of learning.
Mrs. Slipslop, I seek
your intercession.
My intercession, Parson, I...?
But I, I know I had it...
I just can't remember
where I put it.
On behalf
of our Joseph.
He could be much more than
a mere footman, you know.
I'm quite in record.
But he must work at his studies.
I want you to ask her ladyship
to leave him here
in the country.
His Latin will suffer
if he goes to town.
Latin? His Latin? Huh?
Latin is as much good
to a footman
as a kerchief is to a pig.
Oh, I know you must learn it
because you cannot preach
without it.
But I've heard tell
it's fit for no one else.
No, Mr. Adams,
you take care of his soul,
and Lady Booby and me
will take care of his...
we'll take care of his...
his... whereabouts.
I have to go, my love.
Her ladyship will brook
no argument.
You'll forget me.
You'll be in my every
waking thought...
and dream.
You'll never come back.
My heart will surely break.
I will come back.
I love you forever.
My own true love.
Hey, what's up?!
The only thing that moves
in this street
are the horses bowels!
Out of the way!
Out of the way!
My lady?
Ask how we can get out of here.
Yes, my lady.
Got any money?
Who's coming with me?
Get off with you!
Excuse me, miss.
Do you know
St. George's Way?
No, my buck.
But for half a sixpence,
you can do it any way you like.
Go tell my lady I'm waiting.
Yes, my lord.
And about time, too.
Gad, now there's one
who takes me.
What a figure.
Finest pair of eyes in Bath,
I do declare.
Neck like a swan.
Mouth like a-
like a rosebud.
What a creature.
Any chance of...
sport, do you think?
None, dear.
He's kept on a leash
like a dog.
But he is quite lovely.
Isn't that Lady Booby?
It may be so.
She's not an intimate of mine.
She seems to prefer the
company of her footman.
They are rather close.
Not close enough for
her, by all accounts.
If he were her page,
I daresay
she would turn him every day.
Notabilia, my dear.
Our poor Sir Thomas
has to dance alone.
Lady Booby's interest
certainly seems
to have strayed.
She is becoming
very absentminded.
I have it
on the highest authority
she often has difficulty
in locating her own bedroom.
But what a handsome woman.
She does bare herself
And frequently.
Poor Sir Thomas.
That's what comes
of marrying beneath one.
When one comes
from the gutter,
one always has a taste for it.
- Poor Sir Thomas.
- Poor Sir Thomas.
To think, Joseph,
the Romans bathed here. Mmm.
I'm not neglecting your Latin,
you see.
Of course, when they bathed,
My lady.
Orgies, madam?
Such things as no
Christian could think on.
Why, often poor, unfortunate
esquires would be made to...
May the lord protect us
from such unnatural lusts.
Amen, Joseph.
Poor Sir Thomas.
Hardly cold in his grave
and you, so young and fine.
It's hard, Joey.
When a lady takes a
fancy to a gentleman,
the lightest hope
Tell me... what are your...
what are your
feelings towards me?
You must've propriated
how I feel.
Why, ma'am,
I love you as if...
Oh! if you were my own mother.
You dare insinuate
that I am old enough
to be your mother?
Your own mother?
What I mean, ma'am, is...
that you are a woman
of learning.
Oh, Joseph.
My eyes, whether
I would or not,
declare a... passion
I cannot conquer.
Joseph. Joseph!
What do you think
of Joseph, Slipslop?
I fear he is
trs sauvage.
That he is, my lady.
And wicked, too.
He games and
drinks and swears
and fights eternally,
and as for wenching...
I never heard that of him.
Oh, he even had the prurience
to try and deflower me.
And Betty the chambermaid,
I am convicted,
is by child with him.
Dismiss them both.
But, my lady,
when Betty is gone
he may mend his ways.
Call Joseph.
I will examine him myself.
What? Here?
Do you think I would see
a libertine
alone in my bedroom?
Jamais dans ma vie!
I am told that half
the females in this house
live in fear
for their virginity,
and the other half
are carrying your children.
Your ladyship is under
a misapprehension.
I have never offered
more than a kissing.
You call that no crime?
Kissing, Joseph,
is as a prologue to a play.
What would you think, Joseph,
if I admitted you
to kiss me?
I would rather die,
than to have
any such thought.
And yet, Joseph,
ladies have admitted their
footmen to such familiarities.
Madam, if they were offered,
I hope I should have
enough virtue
to be able to control myself.
A footman have virtue!
I am sorry if I have
offended your ladyship...
Get out!
have you ever been in love?
Love, my lady?
Oh, I am sure you are
no stranger to that passion.
What lady has tempted you?
Why, I'm sure I never had
the impudence
to think of any such.
Raise my veil, Joseph.
What am I doing?
Here I am naked.
Toute seule.
Why, if you attacked me,
however would I protect myself?
Madam, I have no evil designs.
I assure you.
Hmm, you misunderstand me.
Are you not a man?
And without vanity?
I am not without mes charmes.
Plump my pillows, Joseph.
Do I not move you, Joseph?
In any parts?
I do not understand
you, madam.
Then you're either a fool
or pretending to be.
Beg your pardon?
Get out of my sight!
Joseph Andrews is dismissed.
Get off your robe.
You're breaking my heart, Joey.
I don't know how I'll carry on.
Where are you going?
What's the news from Bath?
Joseph's been dismissed.
Been dismissed?
Stand and deliver.
There's but seven shillings.
And four pence.
He'll have more.
Or I'll blow your brains
to the devil.
No, stop it!
Wait! Whoa, whoa!
What is the delay?
I have court
within an hour.
There's a man here...
naked as he was ever born.
A naked man.
Coachman, drive on.
Leave him.
Wait. Is he dead?
No, but he's sort a hurt.
Probably robbed.
There must be highwaymen about.
Let him be!
A moment.
He shall not come
into this coach.
I'd rather stay in these parts
for all eternity
than drive in a coach with...
a naked man.
Good sir, give me some covering.
I would not offend the lady.
I'll not have my coat bloodied.
I'll ride in my shirt then.
I'll not suffer a Christian
to stay naked. Here.
All right.
Next time, you'll pay.
Would you run
for the doctor?
What's all this, then?
Mr. Tow-Wouse...
Poor boy-- he's near to death.
I was just going to take him...
to rest in the attic.
I'll not have no vagabonds
in my attic.
Mr. Tow-Wouse,
you as a Christian
cannot deny me that.
I can't deny
you nothing, Betty.
All right,
put him in the attic.
Don't tell the missus.
Oh, no, you don't,
Mr. Tow-Wouse.
We're not taking in no beggars.
Who's to pay his reckoning?
Where's your common charity?
Common charity? A fart!
Common charity teaches us
to provide for ourselves
and our families, and I and mine
are not going to be ruined
by your charity.
Well, he could rest
in the attic.
For pity's sake.
A fart on your pity, too.
You've the finest skin
I ever saw on any boy.
Now, good sir, modesty
has no place for this sake.
I've washed men before.
I know what to expect.
Oh, sir, I do declare,
that's the prettiest compliment
I've ever been paid.
I do assure you, madam,
'tis but the heat of the room.
Ooh, I know when a sword
should be stuck in a scabbard.
Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse.
He attacked me.
He... he plunged at my virtue.
Your virtue?
He tore my clothes off.
Please don't tell,
Mr. Tow-Wouse.
He's fully revived.
Doesn't look like it to me.
Well, I had to...
I had to knock him down again.
Eh, never mind him.
You've revived me, Betty.
I'm standing like a crocus.
Oh! Oh! Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse!
Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse!
Uh, I fainted.
Just came over...
strange, I did--
most perplexing.
This is the reward
from her virtue.
You abuse my bed--
my own bed--
with my own servant!
As for you, you slut!
I'll rule you!
Get out, you nasty little whore!
I'll snell the hide off you,
you... you bitch!
If I've been a little naughty,
I'm not the first,
and I'll not be
called a she-dog
by any bitch in England.
you lecher! I'll...
I'll bloody you!
Now for you!
I'm the doctor.
Came as fast as I could.
A matter of some urgency,
I understand.
Oh, yes, yes, I see.
- Sit down, my poor fellow.
- What?
I-I am not your patient, sir.
- Not...?
- No.
Ah, is that the poor
Mr. Tow-Wouse!
Uh, yes, my love?
Oh, my poor fellow, I can
see that you're suffering.
I am a surgeon.
No, sir, no, I've a...
fainting... purely fainting.
I'll be well, directly.
Where is the patient
I was sent for?
Dear me, dear me.
Been in the wars lately,
haven't we?
Well, what about our heart, eh?
Yes... hmm?
We are wasting our time,
aren't we?
We're dead.
There's very little hope,
I'm afraid.
He's dead.
And no means to pay
his reckoning.
He's a turd from fortune.
The Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh away...
Dead-- as mutton...
as we surgeons say.
My fee for services
will be a mere
shilling, madam.
Services? You've done
him no services. He's dead.
My diagnosis, madam--
the apotheoses
of medical skill.
I diagnosed him dead.
From what cause did he die?
The contusion on his head
the internal membrane
of the occipit,
and divilicated
the radical, small,
minute, invisible nerve
that coheres
to the pericranium.
That roast looks delicious.
I'll take a slice of that
in lieu of my fee.
Who was this
poor unfortunate?
I'll offer a prayer
in his behalf.
He said his name was Joseph--
Joseph Andrews.
Angels and ministers
of grace, defend us.
They told me you were dead.
Not quite.
I knew that man was a ninny.
Dead, indeed.
All you need's a little rest.
You'll be yourself again.
Have some food, hmm?
Fowl or rabbit?
No more-- I'll give the order.
And peace be with you, sir.
My sermons-- they were...
the sole cause, the...
...of my peregrination.
I had hoped to sell them
in the great city,
but, alas-- I'm told
they're out of fashion.
But this disappointment
was intended for our good,
for now we can return together.
We'll ride in turn.
I'll walk first.
But I'm much better
now, Parson.
Aw, tush, man-- you were dead
but two days since.
Not so fast, sirrah.
There's the reckoning...
But the good parson paid.
Paid for your
bed and board,
but not for the mule's
stabling and feed.
There's still
four shillings owed.
Hey, lock him up!
He's trying to welsh
on his reckoning.
Mine, oh...
Call the constable!
Where's my good-for
- nothing husband?
Let me go!
Please don't take advantage
of me, sir.
Have no fear, damsel.
Your ravisher is vanquished.
Mr. Adams! Mr. Adams!
- Oh, sir, you saved my life!
- Fanny...
My honor!
Pray God I have not
killed him in doing so.
But what brings you here?
I was on my way to Bath
to find Joseph, sir.
Joseph? He's waiting
back at the inn.
Joseph's at the inn, sir?
Oh, 'tis only bird trappers.
I will seek their help
with this fellow here.
Ah, my good fell...
Hey! You leave our nets alone!
Sir, I am not seeking your prey.
I am seeking help.
That... there is a man who
attacked a damsel there, and...
I... I think as
I may have killed him.
No, sir, I am not killed,
though you and your wicked whore
might think so.
Whore, sir?
Gentlemen, you are
luckily come to rescue me.
They were robbing me!
Why, damn them.
We will take him
afore the justice.
The justice, sir? I...
On this, uh, 12th day of July,
during the reign of
His Majesty George Il...
Get on with it.
Get on with it.
They're as guilty as Judas.
Oh, come on.
Do you call this justice?
You impertinent sinner.
We, uh, found on his person...
this suspicious book
of ciphers.
He may be
a spy against the government.
A spy?
Some frog papist, no doubt.
Why, 'tis but my Aeschylus.
Call it what you like--
it's foreign.
Sir, I demand to be heard!
This is a mockery!
This is a... a sham
of the English justice
which you have
sworn to uphold!
Even St. Paul, when arraigned
before the magistrate,
was able to cry...
What the devil
is he on about now?
Oh, he's lost me totally.
Foreign, again?
Squire Western!
Oh, Mr. Booby!
Ah... you're
in the nick of time, sir.
I was just being talked to death
by a foreign miscreant.
To what do I owe
this pleasure?
I'm on my way to Bath, Squire,
to present my future wife Pamela
to my aunt-- Lady Booby.
- Ooh, yes.
- My dear,
may I present Squire Western.
Delighted. Enchanted. Mmm!
A good childbearing stuff, eh?
Tender down there, is it?
Oh, these damn coaches
are hell on the ass.
Let's drink to copulation.
Why, Parson Adams.
A common foot poacher.
He'll hang.
You are mistaken, sir.
This is my aunt's parson--
a good man and a gentleman.
A gentleman?
If he's a gentleman,
he's innocent.
I've never hanged
a gentleman in my life.
Come... wet your whistle
with this.
And we'll string up
the wench, eh?
Sir, she is as innocent as I am.
These men have borne
false witness against us.
False witness?
I'll make an example of them.
You can be sure of that.
Sir, forgiveness is the greatest
Christian virtue.
Aw, bollocks.
The justice of this world
is often... very rough, child.
I got a natural antipathy
to vagabonds.
And if he hangs tomorrow,
I don't give a fart!
Hangs, madam?
As long as there's
breath in my body,
he'll not go to the giblet.
what must I disburse to
obtain this young person
into my custard?
Here's to rottin'.
Hmm! A trifle.
You got no compunction
at all, you know you haven't.
I do declare,
I've seen more Christianity
in a mo-hatma man.
Joseph, I'll look after you.
There we are.
Jo... Joey...
Come along.
Oh... don't run away again.
Perhaps, Lady Booby,
you would permit me to withdraw.
I am much fatigued,
and doubtless, you
and your nephew
have much to discuss.
She has withdrawn, dear aunt,
so that I can explain to you...
her background and past.
I trust, nephew, that she's not
some trollop or artiste
you have found in town.
Oh, certainly not, madam.
She is, in fact,
the sister of your footman,
Joseph Andrews.
Madam, I know she brings
no riches, no estates,
but her dowry is richer
for beauty, for virtue.
Joseph's sister?
I am... surprised.
Madam, none of our family
have need
of rich dowries.
It is our privilege
that we can marry for love.
By God, sir... you are right.
I have come to...
You have my blessing.
this is the modern age.
One must marry who one wishes.
I drink to that.
Par bleu.
By God, I'll have him.
I've a mind to marry,
and no one shall stop me.
I always say, Joey,
that after journey,
when the body
has expired freely,
a drop of cologne gives one
a certain amount of allure.
Mr. Adams!
Mrs. Slipslop!
Who is that creature?
Mrs. Slipslop,
may I present...
Present me with no trollops!
Lady Booby shall hear of this!
Fanny... you will
be mine forever.
Parson Adams.
Join our hands
together instantly.
Unions of the soul
cannot be made instantly.
No, there are banns to be read,
and license to be obtained,
and I must have
full particulars of your...
uh, birth, your parentage.
Now... you must both promise me
to wait
until the banns are read.
- Oh, but...
- Yes, Mr. Adams, we promise.
What is it, my love?
Joseph, can it ever be possible?
Of course, Fanny.
I don't even know
if that is my real name.
A foundling sold
to Booby Hall.
Every time I hear
the name Fanny Goodwill,
I wonder if it is mine.
Fanny Goodwill...
is the name dearest
in the world... to me.
Seven shillings, sir.
I have nothing.
And the ruffians stole my purse.
Can I help?
I regret, sir, a trifling sum...
seven shillings.
'Tis paid.
Would you not give us a song,
Or perhaps
you would prefer a sermon?
I will sing you...
the story of my life.
I marched
in foreign countries far
the soldier's star
When the war was won,
and the battling was done
A few men
still came home again
Yes, once I was
A soldier bold
I fought for country,
king and gold
But when I marched home,
I was left all alone
Till I met with a
raggle-taggle gypsy girl
With her coal-black hair
and her wanton ways
She quickly held
my heart in sway
And her little caravan
was soon filled with a man
When I rode with
my raggle-taggle gypsy girl
We roamed the country
around and around
And the green woods rang
with our merry, merry sound
And I blessed the day
that I had my way
When I met with
my raggle-taggle gypsy girl
All together we did go
with no cares or woe
I lived each day
for her laughing smile
And upon the high road
without burden or load
I traveled with
my raggle-taggle gypsy girl
But alas, for time
that flew so fast
Our joys and pleasures
soon were past
And the parting day
grew near at last
For me and my raggle-taggle
gypsy girl
For a love like ours
had a price to pay
And the devil
laughed upon one day
Then he stole
her gentle smile away
And I lost
my raggle-taggle gypsy girl
And none were aware
of the secret we shared
Only me and my raggle-taggle
gypsy girl.
Will you not tell us
the secret?
She told me
on her deathbed
that she had once
kidnapped a baby girl.
God forgive her.
What happened to the girl?
She was sold to a big
house as a servant.
My gypsy woman
never forgave herself,
and she died grieving
for her sins.
All do the same.
Ah, here.
I believe our ways part here,
We shall never forget
your kindness, sir.
We shall meet again.
I hope so.
Fortune preserve you.
And you, sir.
Get on! Get on!
I was transfixiated
to the spot, my lady.
I had just rescued young
Joseph from the bore.
Such ingratuity.
I have a duty to rescue
such a man myself.
Who are they, sir?
I do not know.
Do you believe in ghosts,
Mr. Adams?
I do not... absolutely
disbelieve in them.
Body snatchers!
After them!
caught in the act.
Hold, sir! Hold!
Now we have you.
Sir, we are but travelers,
chanced upon these villains.
I beg your pardon, Reverend.
We've been after those rogues
for many a night.
I am amazed, sir, to...
find body snatchers
so far from a city.
Where do you lodge this night?
We do not know, sir.
You shall be my guest.
'Tis the partnership of God
and man...
working side by side.
Nay, sir, I'm afraid God is
rather negligent of his share.
Not to be entrusted
when I'm away.
Indeed, you live as
they lived in the golden age.
I am indeed blessed, sir.
But my life was not always that.
My father died,
leaving me a fortune.
So I went to London.
I was ambitious to
become a gentleman.
It was easy.
Especially if one meets
an actress like Bell.
So, 'twas the eldest
of these dear girls
who suffered with you.
Alas, no, sir.
My husband's first
child was a little boy.
I loved him as dearly as he did,
sickly and sad though he was.
But soon after we arrived here,
he was stolen away.
Yes, by gypsies.
I was out here in the garden,
and he was in his cradle.
I went back into the house
for a moment.
'Tis the second tale
of an infant stolen
we have heard this week.
But our daughters have been
our support and joy ever since.
And aren't these Wilson's brats?
I'll pay him for his
interference last night.
I'll go and drub that rascal!
He deserves to be strung up
more than any highwayman.
I beg you, sir.
He is the law in these parts.
But one day, he'll
go to his own grave...
rather than to the graves
of others.
But Joseph, please.
Not here.
Mr. Adams.
Hey, Joseph, look!
A little hare!
How dare you attack my hounds!
I'll not stand by and see this
gentleman abased by your hounds.
Please forgive us, I...
I did not realize that
you were a man of the cloth.
Therefore, a gentleman.
And to make amends,
all of you must dine
with us tonight.
I insist, please.
Forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
I trust the young lady
will be gracious enough
to join you at table, sir?
Your servant can eat with...
He is not my servant, sir.
I'm a servant, too, sir.
The kitchen is my place.
You're far too charming
for that.
I won't leave Joseph, sir.
I cannot have them parted, sir.
As you wish, fair creature.
Get them well liquored.
I have plans
for the wench later.
I admit to being something
of an antiquity.
The gothic interests me greatly.
Its preoccupation with death
I find absorbing.
It is the duty of every
Christian to prepare...
for it.
No drink for me, sir.
Oh, 'tis but juniper essence.
Very good for the... passages.
Perhaps a little cordial
from Jamaica...
Ah, dinner!
Nothing like the chase
to promote the appetite.
For what we are about
to receive...
may the Lord make
us truly thankful.
Amen to that, sir.
A health.
A health to you, sir.
And to your squire.
And to his good liquor.
Joseph, don't you think
you've drunk enough?
My cheeks are
both burning.
No, no, no.
Fanny, fill up.
But though we
remind ourselves
of our mortality...
we enjoy the pleasures
of the flesh, too.
You will see later.
Dismiss the servants.
Let the nuns
Nuns, sir?!
I trust there is no popery here.
Not these nuns, sir.
Prepare her.
Come on, darling.
You're a handsome lad,
and no mistake.
What use is the prayer
Without a reward?
What use is the thirst
but for slaking?
What use is the pitcher
that cannot be poured?
Our bodies are here
for the taking
What use is the scabbard
without any sword?
What hellish blasphemy
is this?!
What use is the lady
without her fair lord?
Our bodies are here
for the taking
What use is the brothel
if there's no whore?
Sit, sir!
Good I...!
What are you perpetrating?
If you insist on the very art...
You are the devil incarnate,
I fear for your soul.
...the Medieval one
has accused of...
If you are not already
beyond the mercy of my Lord.
And he'll give you
this sweet undertaking
In bed or in hayloft
or under bridge board
Our bodies are here
for the taking
You will see now, sir,
how we respect the innocent.
What use is a prayer
without a reward?
What use is a thirst
but for slaking?
What use is a pitcher
that cannot be poured?
Our bodies are here
for the taking
What use is the scabbard
without any sword?
Fanny, my Fanny...
You're not Fanny.
Where is she?
Don't worry your head
about her, love.
They're taking care
of her upstairs.
I've got to find her!
What use is the prayer...?
After the blood, the body.
You'll see, sir.
What use is a thirst
but for slaking?
What use is the pitcher
that cannot be poured?
Our bodies are here
for the taking
You bastard!
Ya! Ya!
Run, Fanny!
Quick, this way!
Take her.
Here you go!
Let me go!
Let me go!
My dear, dear Fanny.
Shall I never see thee more?
I think I shall go mad.
Remember, Joseph,
you are a Christian.
Yes, that's very true.
And very fine.
What help is it now?
Be comforted, my child.
Be comforted that all
is as the will of God.
It is true that you have
lost the prettiest,
kindest, loveliest and
sweetest young woman.
One with whom you might
have expected to live
for many years
in happiness,
virtue and innocence, and...
by home, you might have promised
many little darlings.
Would have been the
delight of your youth
and the comfort of your age.
Not only have you lost her,
but you have reason to
fear the utmost violence,
power and lust
inflict upon her.
Parson, I think I shall go mad!
Once more, sir,
we are deeply in your debt.
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
And young Joseph Andrews here
will never forget your kindness
in restoring his Fanny to him.
- Good-bye.
- God be with you.
There he is.
The rogue who attacked
our master.
Arrest him!
Wither away, my lady?
I'm going home, sir.
Then, madam, you'll have
an escort to the city limits.
For whatsoever a man reape--
that will he also reap.
I publish the banns of marriage
between Fanny Goodwill
and Joseph Andrews.
Both of this parish.
Sir, you are doing
a monstrous thing,
marrying these two.
Madam, I am not marrying them.
They are marrying each other.
I am merely God's witness
to their union.
Don't quibble with me, sir.
But, madam,
her goodness, her beauty...
Might he be coming in
a clergyman
to trouble about beauty?
A country wench a beauty?
Fit for nothing but to stock
your parish with beauties.
But, sir, I will have no more
paupers on my land.
Madam, poverty is no reason
for their not being married.
If you defy me, sir,
I will recommend the bishop,
your master,
to discard you from his service.
Madam, I serve one greater
than you or the bishop.
If you see fit to discard me,
I know the Lord will provide.
Get out, sir!
Lawyer Scout, my lady.
Dear Mr. Scout.
I am in need of your aid
and assistance.
You see that, Trotter?
I see that, sir.
We all seed that.
That's theft, Trotter.
Violation of
property rights.
Take her to the justice.
She ain't done nothing yet.
She's an accomplice.
Oh, Joseph!
My lady! Lawyer Scout has
carried both Fanny and Joseph
before the justice!
They'll certainly be hanged.
Joseph as well?
Yes, my lady.
In any case, they'll
both go to Bragwell
to be stripped and whipped!
Get out!
No, don't touch her!
Don't touch her!
You bastards!
You bastard!
Stop there!
I have a signed order
for the immediate release
of Joseph Andrews.
Have you got a release for me,
And Miss Fanny Goodwill
of the parish of Booby.
Release Joseph Andrews
and Fanny Goodwill.
Fanny Goodwill?
My dear Joseph Andrews,
I'm here
on the instigation of your
sister Pamela, my wife.
No, it cannot be.
I'm so sorry that we have
to meet
- in such a disagreeable place.
- Sir, I must speak with them!
I must speak...
Dear, dear sister.
All these years.
This is Fanny.
And don't darken
this parish again.
Mm, Perhaps we could buy Joseph
a commission in the army.
A du cour regiment.
Trs beau.
Of course, he must
forget the kitchen girl.
Oh, certainly, Aunt.
Then he could rise,
beyond his wildest dreams.
Aunt, I will go
and talk to him at once.
Go to Mr. Didapper.
Tell him to come visit.
We'll set the wench in his way.
Oh, oh, put me down.
Down, down, down, immediately!
Oh, oh, a charming creature.
I shall accost her.
Oh, oh... oh, you are an angel.
A country blossom.
Let me salute you with a kiss.
Ow! Ow!
I'll have you yet, my charmer.
Don't take your
eyes off her beauty
and bring her to my
chamber this evening.
And then, my sweetest,
you will be mine...
And ever.
And ever.
Shall we walk together, hmm?
Never, never, never.
Not if you bought me a
colonelcy in the guards.
Forget my Fanny?
I could as easily
forget my name.
Oh, really,
the fellow is impossible!
my dear, good husband
is offering you advantage
and opportunity.
His very kindness
deserves your gratitude.
She's all I care about
in the world.
Come on!
No, no!
You think we ought to tell
Parson Adams to forget the bans?
...and mowmps and
meymos and mateys...
And mant.
Mr. Adams.
What's this?
We must speak to you.
run outside and play.
It is as well
you have made confession.
It is, nonetheless,
a sin of the flesh.
All the more reason why we
should be married at once.
I wish temptation
put away from us.
It could happen again
at any time.
I will not have you speak so
in this house.
The Scripture
According to St. Matthew,
Chapter five,
part of verse twenty-eight:
"Whosoever looketh on a woman
so as to lust after her..."
Hmm... I will omit the rest.
Joseph, until you are married,
you will put away
carnal desires.
Well, surely you had
such passions for Mrs. Adams.
Moderation, sir,
in all things.
He was about as moderate
as a buck rabbit!
The excess of passion--
in any sort--
disposes man
to ignore the Almighty.
Abraham loved his son, Isaac.
The Lord commanded...
Oh, Parson!
Your little boy.
I do fear he's drowned!
God! My Jackie!
Hey! H-e-y!
Oh, Jackie!
Oh, my darling!
Oh, my darling, darling boy.
Oh... ho ho ho ho!
I thought that you had been
wrenched from life.
All those before you
abandoned me.
Oh, the sweetest and the
kindest-hearted of my children!
Oh, my little prattler.
Oh, my scholar.
My joy!
Sir, try to remember
what you said.
Moderation in
all things.
Ill becomes green hens
to advise gray he...
Until you become a father,
you cannot know
what a father feels like.
Where is our savior,
our benefa...?
Oh! But I know you!
Aye, sir. You owe me
seven shillings.
And now... I owe you!
Come inside, sir, inside!
I have come here to
ask you but one thing.
Are Joseph and Fanny
Goodwill to wed?
They are, indeed.
They are to be married
very soon.
Then, sir, I have grave news.
You remember when I told
you the story of my life?
I recall it well.
As my gypsy
woman lay dying,
she told me of a child
stolen from some simple folk.
My gypsy's name
was Goodwill,
and that is the name
she gave the child.
So, Fanny was the babe
sold to-to Booby Hall?
That is so, sir.
But this is not grave news.
Fanny will be overjoyed
to know her real parents.
Perhaps you know their name.
Indeed, I do.
It is Andrews.
She is Joseph's own sister.
This cannot be.
She was born Fanny Andrews.
Of that there is no doubt.
No, t-there was only Joseph
and his sister, Pamela.
And Fanny, sir.
The parents had three children.
How am I to tell them?
What am I to say?
This marriage must be stopped.
By rescuing my son,
the peddler brought me
great joy.
But he also brought news...
...about your parentage,
my dear.
They're found?!
I would almost rather abandon
the hopes
of sitting by my Maker's throne
than tell you.
tell you I must.
Your parents are the same
as Joseph's.
You are...
brother and sister.
My lady! They're consanguinated!
fraternally intervened!
They're incestuated!
Mon Dieu, who is what?
Well, they're intermangled,
Fanny and Joseph.
Slipslop, I swear,
I don't know
what you're talking about!
They're brother and sister!
I can't understand why
you are so miserable.
I would be overjoyed to find
I had a new sister.
Positively boulevers.
Well, I find it
all rather novel.
Doubtless, I shall learn
to love her deeply... in time.
If platonic love it has to be,
that, too, has its reward.
Speak for yourself, Mr. Adams.
Don't you dare, sir!
I bruise as
easily as a peach!
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
There is enough
confusion already.
I pray, calm yourselves.
'Tis time, I think, for bed.
Your room is along here,
Mr. Adams.
Thank you.
Fanny, I will come
to you at daybreak,
and we will walk together.
And pledge ourselves,
if this fearful news be true,
never to see
each other again.
Good night.
No, young lady, no.
Your chamber is in here.
This way.
Sweet dreams.
My angel,
I have come to inform you
I have discovered
the falsehood of the story.
I am your brother no longer,
but your lover,
as before.
Slipslop! Oh!
My dear Mr. Didapper,
you know what
my philanthropy is, don't you?
No, Madame.
"A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush."
God, bless my soul!
I can guarantee
you'll be highly pleased.
No, I-I...
Unhand that young lady, sir!
Don't call me sir, sir!
You weirdest of men!
How dare you use my house
for your debaucheries!
My lady.
And my own woman
for the object
of your bestiality.
I ca... I can, I can explain
Back to your room, sir.
Vite, vitement!
You viper!
Would your frustrate my scheme?
Would you be joined by Joseph?
Come in, whoever you are.
A man!
How came you into my bed?
How came you into mine?
How came the two
of you together?
Mr. Wilson.
What brings him here?
I told you, sir,
I would visit you,
and I found my excuse.
I met Mr. and Mrs.
Andrews lost on the way
and insisted on
accompanying them.
Steady, boy... ha, ha!
My son!
Forgive us if your reception
is not as hospitable
as you deserve,
but you come at a strange time.
It reminds me, indeed,
of that tale
you told me
of the loss of your son.
Tell us, son,
why have we been sent for?
You will soon
hear, Father.
Let us go in
and see Lady Booby.
Let us go in.
My lady, my I present
Mr. Wilson.
Do I know you, sir?
I do not answer to that name.
all those years ago in London.
Sir, I'm Lady Booby now.
All that is past is past.
Enough of this tittle-tattle
of days gone by.
'Tis the present
we wish to settle.
Uh, Mr. Adams,
have they arrived?
Uh, they... uh, yes, my lady.
They, uh, they're all...
Gaffa and Gammer Andrews,
you have a child
more than you know of.
This girl
is your daughter, stolen
away by the gypsies.
Stuff and rubbish, Your Honor.
I've had no daughter
stolen by the gypsies.
No, none other than
Pamela and Joseph.
Tell your story, peddler.
No. No, wait.
It's true.
- True?
- I must speak the truth.
You remember when you went off
to the wars?
The gypsies had changed
the babes.
I suppose they thought
they could
never sell the boy.
It was so ailing.
The little baby was so piteous,
I took it up and suckled it.
I thought
if I looked after it,
God would restore our daughter.
As true as I'm alive, I loved
that boy as if he were my own.
I never told you,
my dear,
for fear you did not
love him as your own.
But Joseph was
the sweetest little boy.
His skin as white as milk.
Not a blemish...
'cept for one dear little
birthmark on his arm
in the form
of a strawberry.
A strawberry?
Your shirt, sir.
Open your shirt.
My son.
Our son.
What fuckin' next?
Mm. Mm!
With this ring, I thee wed.
With my body I thee worship.
And all my...
Worldly goods.
Worldly goods
I with thee share.
In the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy Ghost.
O, Eternal God, creator
and preserver of all mankind,
give them your warm spiritual
grace all for everlasting life,
send thy blessing upon these,
thy servants.
The bride is abed.