Josh Johnson: Symphony (2026) Movie Script
1
(TRAFFIC PASSING)
(CARS HONKING)
(KEYBOARD PLAYING)
(CAR HONK SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
La-- La-- Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
for Josh Johnson!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Wow.
Thank you all so, so much.
Oh, my gosh.
(CHEERING FADES)
If you're not careful,
especially as a man,
you end up spending
the last 50 years of your life
still trying to figure out
the first 15.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know what I mean? Like,
there are just some people where
whatever happened in high school
is kind of perpetually happening
for the rest of their lives.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Like, I'll tell you right now,
I do my best, truly,
to be as good of a person
as I can.
I'm not perfect.
I'm sure there's somebody
you can find,
somewhere out in the world,
that's like, "He trash."
Like, that's...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-That's everybody.
None of us are gonna
get out clean, you know?
Everybody has enemies.
But I really do my best
to treat people
as best as I can.
You know, and...
Not just 'cause you're,
like, supposed to.
It's something that would make
my mom proud and everything.
It's how she raised me.
It also just makes
for a better world, you know?
But when you are trying to be
as good as you possibly can,
especially when
it comes to dating,
sometimes you get
labeled "nice," right?
And nice is a death sentence.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
It doesn't seem like
it would be,
but it's pretty bad. Nice...
If you went on a date
with somebody
and then later you overheard,
it's like, "How was your date
with them?" "Oh, he's nice."
You know, okay,
it's not going to happen.
It's not...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's wow, nothing. Wow, okay.
You know? Because the thing is,
you're supposed to be nice.
Nice isn't the bar,
that's the floor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Like you should...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
...hopefully be nice.
Saying someone is nice
after spending time with them,
'cause remember,
they didn't say "kind,"
they didn't say "sweet,"
they said, "nice."
It would be like if you went
on a date with someone
and then later on you overheard,
"How was your date with him?"
"Oh, he has a face."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You would hope so.
That would be ideal.
That's not a compliment
to be like, "Eyes right where
they're supposed to be."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, I bring this up
because when I was younger,
I wasn't always
very confident or anything.
I look back at that time
and there was someone
who I liked very much,
went ahead, shot my shot. Right?
Turns out they
weren't interested. It happens.
You get your first little lesson
at rejection and everything.
And how you deal with
that rejection becomes
your character around
what it's like to be around you.
And then some time passed and...
later on, she started dating
this guy that was not nice.
He was not nice at all.
This guy was a--
This guy was a jerk,
a real jerk.
And I'm not just being a hater.
He had enemies.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And from the time I was a kid
all the way into adulthood,
it's nothing new
that I'm saying.
It's almost like a trope
that the girls, the women,
they go for jerks.
That's like the narrative
that's out there.
It's out there online.
It's like the father
of romantic comedies
and everything.
And I couldn't understand it
'cause she was so cool.
And then she was
with this guy who sucks.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know,
and I didn't really get it.
Why so many girls
when I was in high school,
and then women as I got older
went for guys who were...
like, jerks.
I never understood it...
until a week ago.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
All right,
I was traveling, right?
I was late
because I woke up late.
I didn't prepare myself.
I had to rush,
put my stuff in the suitcase,
everything, called an Uber.
I get in the Uber,
and my Uber driver
is an incredible driver,
impeccable driver, following
all the rules of the road,
doing everything
that he's supposed to do.
He's doing stuff I didn't even
know people did anymore.
Like, not only is his music
so low you can hear him
turn his blinker on,
but he also puts his arm
out the window to...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This guy is a very good driver
and a nice guy.
He was stopping at yellows
and letting people go.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
He's very nice, but I'm late.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, I even tried
to hint at him a little bit.
You know, I was like,
"Hey, do you think
we'll make it?"
And he's like, "Oh, I hope so."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This man did the math out loud
in front of me.
He's like, "All right, well,
we're going 55 miles per hour
'cause I can't speed.
That'd be dangerous.
So, we're going
55 miles per hour.
You said you need to be there
in 36 minutes.
With the amount of miles
we have left,
yeah, it looks like
you're going to be
ten minutes late, that's...
Oh, I hate it for you."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then...
we get to the airport
and by the skin of my teeth,
truly, I make my flight.
It was delayed.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
A couple days later, admittedly,
I didn't learn my lesson.
I woke up late again.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I was packing and stuff,
ordering the Uber
at the same time.
I run out to the Uber.
I get inside, and then
this guy is sitting there.
He just turns to me,
looks at me in the back seat,
and goes, "You ready?"
I was like, "Yeah."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And the way he peeled out...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I was sitting in the car like...
(CHUCKLES BASHFULLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, he was not safe.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This was a bad boy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This guy was wild.
This guy was over here swerving.
He was cutting people off.
You could hear it.
But this man wasn't safe at all.
I don't know if he turned
his blinkers on once.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And you could hear it.
You could hear the honking
from behind us.
This guy was not a good driver.
He was driving like a jerk.
But he was a jerk
to everyone but me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
And I'd be lying
if I said that...
I didn't think about him
sometimes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, sometimes
you're just in traffic...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...daydreaming.
You know? 'Cause I've been
in LA for a few days,
and in that time,
I've had to take, you know,
some cabs, some Ubers,
and very, very nice drivers.
Like, very nice. But if you were
to ask me about them,
I'd be like, "He aight."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, he just doesn't
get me there like that.
You know what I'm saying?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Because careless people are...
they're incredibly enchanting
until they're careless with you.
You know,
because then I got into a car,
once again,
not a safe driver, not nice.
We got into like a little touch
of a fender bender, right?
He swerved.
And I hit my head
on the window and everything.
And I was just sitting there
like, I just want somebody nice.
I just want...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...somebody that follows
the rules of the road,
you know what I mean?
Someone that knows
what they're doing.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
All right?
Do y'all ever wonder
if the first...
chiropractor...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...was just bad at murder?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I hurt my back, right?
I hurt my back.
I went to the chiropractor.
I didn't even really know
what chiropractors do.
I just knew that
they were supposed to fix
like backs and stuff.
And so I laid there.
I didn't know what to expect.
But then this man put one hand
here and one hand here.
And I was like...
(CLICKS TONGUE) "I'ma go." Uh...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, I don't know
what I did to offend you,
but I have watched
a lot of Jason Bourne.
I know exactly
what happens next.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You're not gonna get me.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I can't take
my uncle anywhere...
because he weird.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And he's not even like
the regular type of weird
that an uncle would be.
The stuff my uncle does,
nobody else does.
You know? Like,
if you take him out to eat
and he has some good food,
we're talking like
the best version of that food
he has ever had.
He can't just say it's good.
He can't just enjoy it.
You know, he has this good food
and he has to audibly, loudly...
catcall his food.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I took my uncle
to a nice restaurant.
I'm talking like
fine dining, right?
Told this man to dress up.
He still showed up
in his signature tracksuit.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was like,
"I told you to dress up,
what are you doing?"
He's like,
"I got my chain on, what?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Sure enough, we sit down,
he ordered the lobster bisque.
And I guess it was
the best lobster
that had ever been bisqued.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Because this man took a sip
and instead of just saying
it was good,
this man goes...
(SMACKING LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, okay."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, she thick."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING FADES)
I took my uncle to get barbecue.
And he ordered
a piece of Texas toast.
I guess it was
the best Texas toast
that had ever been toasted
in Texas.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Because this man took a bite
and instead of just
giving it a "yum..."
he bit into it and he goes...
(SMACKS LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, all right."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, go on with your fat ass."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And at a certain point,
I'm like, is it me?
Is it to embarrass me?
Because there are people
turning around to look at us
to make sure they heard
what they thought they heard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But he can't help himself.
And I know he can't help himself
because I ordered pizza.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was at his place.
We were chilling.
I ordered some pizza.
Pizza gets there.
I get up, walk to the door,
grab the pizza,
tip the delivery driver.
Bring it back
to the living room.
I leave the room
to wash my hands.
This man starts
without me, right?
Opens the box.
I'm coming back
down the hallway.
He does not know
I'm within earshot.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then alone... by himself...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...he grabs a slice,
takes a bite,
and goes...
(SMACKS LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, I didn't know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, I see, I'm gonna have
to bend you over."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I cannot take him anywhere.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Sometimes something happens
when you're little
and you don't quite
have the words,
you can't distill
how you feel about it.
You know, it takes time,
you get older and then
you look back and you're like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
"That was weird."
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
-Or something happens,
you get old enough,
you make friends
and they hear your story,
you tell them what happened
and they're like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
"That was weird."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
When I was little,
I was in karate and...
I wasn't good.
I wasn't good at all.
In fact, I was so bad
that one time my teacher
pulled me aside mid-class
to tell me if anybody
ever messed with me...
to yell "fire."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And everybody in my class
was a white belt
except for like
one or two people.
There was one person
that was like yellow,
one person that was orange
or something.
And then everybody
in my class was 11.
Except for one student.
Kevin was 45.
And normally I'd say it's never
too late to learn a martial art.
It's never too late to,
like, move your body
in a way that gives you
confidence, you know?
And I had no problem with Kevin,
but I just didn't like
what our school would do.
Because in our school,
every day they would train us
one or two moves.
They'd drill us
in these one or two moves.
Fifty minutes, one or two moves.
Right? But then
the last ten minutes of class...
was sparring.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so every class,
one of us had to spar Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And no one ever brought it up.
Nobody thought
it was weird or anything.
Our parents were there,
by the way.
Our parents thought it was funny
that every class,
one of us had to fight
a 45-year-old.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And look,
whether you're good or not,
let me tell you,
if you are 45
and your opponent is 11,
all the moves work.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
The amount of times I got
my leg swiped from under me?
I'd just be horizontal
in the air, furious.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
'Cause nobody
in the class was good
except for like one kid.
There was one kid
we actually called Karate Kid
'cause he was so good.
He was incredible.
He was like the first of us
to get real motor skills
and stuff.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know, 'cause he had
such a high physical IQ
that you could just
show him a move once
and he got it like that
immediately.
He could do it
the way that you did it,
just from seeing it,
just that one time.
And he even had a party trick.
They'd make him do it
at his school,
we'd make him do it in class,
where if you put something
on your head,
even if you were
taller than him,
as long as you were still,
he could jump up real high
and kick it off your head.
Not touch a hair on your head.
He was very, very, very good.
But you wouldn't know it
when he sparred Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
He was over here
getting his legs swiped too.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And one day Karate Kid decided
enough is enough.
He even went up
to the other kids and was like,
"We're not gonna
take it anymore."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so they decided.
that one day, after class...
in the parking lot...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...they were gonna jump Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They were trying
to recruit everybody.
They told me about the plan.
I was like, "Y'all,
that sounds like a bad idea,
but I'll watch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And sure enough,
one day, Kevin is leaving class.
And Kevin wasn't just 45, right?
He was like a touch,
just a touch heavyset.
He had a slouch,
almost like there was a weight
pulling him down by his chin.
And he had this tiny,
almost imperceptible
little waddle to his walk.
You know,
and so he's walking to his car,
and this is the '90s,
so he didn't have the...
(IMITATES CAR LOCK BEEP)
...he had to put the key
in the door.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But he's walking to his car,
he takes his key out,
and that's when the first kid
ran out like, "Kyah!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And it had never occurred to us
as 11-year-olds that maybe,
just maybe, in class,
Kevin was pulling his punches.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
'Cause that first kid
ran out like, "Kyah!"
And not only did Kevin move
out of the way,
he just sort of mushed that kid
against the car door
and slid him down.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then 11, 11-year-olds
descended on Kevin
in the parking lot.
If you had been passing by
in your car,
Kevin would look
like Jackie Chan
in Rumble in the Bronx.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Because the amount of children
that are flying
to and from Kevin
is a sight.
Even if you closed your eyes,
all you could hear was, "Kyah!"
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
There was a kid that ran up
and threw a kick at Kevin,
and Kevin caught
the kick and threw it, like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Kevin was using a kid
to beat a kid.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And the whole time,
Karate Kid was chilling
in the background, right?
'Cause I think it was his plan
for everybody else
to run up on Kevin,
soften him up a little bit.
He could get in there
and deliver that
knockout blow, right?
But he's watching
his plan fall apart in real time
'cause all his friends
are getting juggled.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so he must've decided,
I gotta do it, I gotta step in.
This kid runs in.
I still don't even know
what this move is called.
This kid runs up,
stops just short of Kevin,
jumps up in the air,
high in the air,
spins in the air.
And as he's bringing
his leg down
to kick Kevin in the arm,
not only does
Kevin block the kick...
he grabbed his leg and sort of
rolled him to the ground.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then Kevin stood up...
turned and...
looked at me.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And I was like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Fire."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
And Kevin took his key out,
stepped over some children...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
put his key in the door...
slid a kid out the way...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...got in his car
and drove off feeling,
I'm assuming, like a superhero
because I didn't
know Kevin well, but...
I knew he looked like
he needed that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(DRUM PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
I've been very blessed
to come from...
an incredible family of cooks.
My mom, amazing cook.
My aunt, phenomenal cook.
My grandma,
best cook I ever met.
But every once in a while,
they would cook something.
You know, like, my mom would
cook some Brussels sprouts,
put them on the plate in front
of me, and I'd be like, "Ooh,
um...
this is not what
the streets are talking about."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And I would do
what a lot of kids would do.
I would, you know,
try to move as much
of the food as I possibly could,
because in my mind,
if I displace enough
of these sprouts,
she gonna lose count, right?
And it never worked on my mom.
I don't know if she was counting
sprouts specifically
or what she was doing,
but she'd always be like,
"Finish your vegetables."
And I would say,
"Mama, I wish I could."
But I ate so much
of the delicious food
that you cooked,
I couldn't possibly fit
these devil demon sprouts...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...that you've put on the plate,
which are honestly
very unlike you.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then my mom
would say a thing that
you've probably heard before.
She'd be like, "Boy, there are
starving children in Africa,
and you over here wasting food."
And I remember
the first time she said it,
'cause it really
stuck out to me.
First time she said it,
I had to be like seven,
eight years old or something.
And I remember,
'cause I remember my reaction.
'Cause she said that,
and I was like, "Oh... what?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, what... what...
what does that
have to do with this?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, were you not
gonna tell me that
if I ate all my food?
That sounds like an emergency.
Are you going to do something?"
Like, "Send them something.
Send them this."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
As I got older,
I realized that's the only thing
that we do like that.
That's the only time
a kid won't act the way
we want them to act,
so we just tell them
a terrible fact.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Like if a kid
isn't paying attention in class,
the teacher doesn't pull them
out of the classroom
into the hallway and go, "Look.
JFK got his head blown off."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Use your brains
while you have them, all right?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you see
how traumatic that is?
You see how terrifying
that is to do to a kid,
how unnecessary that is?
It makes me wonder if we're
the only ones that do that.
Like it makes me wonder
what parents say in Africa.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
If their kids don't wanna eat,
are they like, "Listen...
listen to me."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"There are children
in America...
eating unseasoned food."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
"Finish your vegetables."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
I started...
started reading the Bible again.
And one thing about reading
Bible stories when you're a kid
versus an adult is that
now you have a little bit
of life experience
to apply to the lesson at hand.
You know, like, I see all these
stories in a different context
than when I was a kid
going to Sunday school.
Like, I...
Like, I think about the miracle
of Jesus turning
the water to wine.
And that one always,
like, fascinated me,
even from when I was a kid.
It just...
It blew my mind
because when you think of Jesus,
you don't necessarily think
of like a party guy.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
In fact, if you're at a party
and someone brings up Jesus,
you're like,
"Oh, you not fun. Okay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's what people think.
And then here though,
in this story... in case
you haven't heard the story,
basically Jesus was at a wedding
and at this wedding, you know,
they ran out of wine and Jesus,
I guess, was in the back
talking to, like,
bride, groom, I don't know.
But then someone ran in
and was like,
"Oh, no, we've run out of wine."
And Jesus was like,
"Give me your water."
And he turned the water to wine.
And then people said
it was the best wine
of the night, right?
And once again,
it just floored me as a kid,
even now,
because this is Jesus
at a party.
God! If you believe
the Christian tradition,
is at this party.
And I think about how
all these things, substances,
alcohol, whatever it is,
there's a level
of escapism to it.
You know, sometimes that's
actually more of the addiction.
It's not just how
this thing affects your brain.
It's like the feeling
you have when you're doing it
versus the feeling you have
when you're not doing it.
And so I wonder if in
that moment that wasn't some..
escapism for Jesus too.
You know, he's at this party
and maybe he's thinking
to himself, "Wow.
These are the dullest people
I've ever met in my entire life.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Like this is actually terrible.
This is insane.
I can't believe, wow,
what a terrible mix of people.
No one has anything to say.
Everybody's just telling
the same story
over and over again.
This is the worst hang
of my life. And I know
about the one coming up.
This is horrible."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"These people suck."
And then someone comes in,
they're like,
"Oh, no, the wedding's ruined.
All the wine is gone.
We're out of wine."
And Jesus is like,
"No, you're not.
Come here. Give me the..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Let me get to mixing."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Or there's the miracle
of Jesus healing the blind man.
In case you're not familiar
with the story,
basically there's this blind man
that runs up to Jesus.
I don't know how he found him.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There's this blind man
that runs up to Jesus
and says, "Lord, I'm blind.
Please have mercy on me.
Please heal me." Right?
And then Jesus...
scoops up some mud
from the earth.
Spits in the mud.
Rubs it on the man's face
and says, "Go wash your face.
And when you wash your eyes,
you'll be healed."
And that's exactly
what happened.
This man washed his face.
And when he washed his face,
he could see.
There's even the story
of Jesus healing the leper.
Right? Back in the day,
they didn't understand germs.
They didn't know
why leprosy spread.
They just... If you got leprosy,
you were cast out.
And it wasn't just like
the polite thing to do.
You had to. It was like
a code of conduct in society
that if anyone was
approaching you
and you had leprosy,
you had to let them know
from afar.
You had to scream,
"Unclean, unclean.
Don't touch me." Right.
But Jesus was walking
and this leper goes,
"Unclean, unclean."
And Jesus touches the leper.
The leper is healed instantly.
And I think
it's a beautiful story.
I think it's symbolic
of how we should reach out
to people that society
has cast out.
We should try
to find love and understanding.
Also, I think it's a great story
about how an instant
can change a person's life.
But I think
in that actual moment,
it would have been
pretty awkward
if that formerly blind guy
was there.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
'Cause I think he would have
been standing there like,
"So, that mud and spit thing,
that..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"That's not like
an every time thing?
That's just...
That's just for Dennis?
That's just
when Dennis need healing?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Because I would have
let you slap me.
Why would you...?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Don't get me wrong,
thankful to be healed. Look,
I'm not trying to give notes.
I'm just saying,
you scooped the mud.
I knew it was mud,
but then I heard you...
Ptooey, ptooey.
And then you..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"And then you told me
to go find water.
I had to go find water,
still blind.
Go find water."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"This man just gets a high five?
That doesn't feel fair at all."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"I even tried milk first,
but you said water specifically.
Wow! Wow!"
(TRUMPET PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
(APPLAUDING, CHEERING CONTINUES)
A lot of my friends
are having kids and everything,
and it's a wild experience
to watch somebody,
whether you grew up
with this person or just
known them for a long time,
watching them become a parent,
the way it changes them.
And one thing
that's very jarring,
I'm realizing as I get older,
that there's parents
and there's people with kids.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
You can tell the difference
usually because, look, a parent,
you can tell,
they're judging everything.
They're looking at everything
through this lens
of how it affects their kids.
Even if they're no longer
with the person
they had the kids with,
how does this thing,
whatever it is I'm about to do,
whatever life decision,
how does this affect my kids,
all right?
And then there are people
that no matter how long
you've known them,
you'll turn to them one day
and be like,
"You got a daughter?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so...
I think about one of my friends
who, um...
He's always been
like a hothead, right?
But he calmed down a little bit
when he got married,
calmed down a little bit more
when he had a kid,
but he got into
this road rage incident,
where basically he was
in his car, he was driving.
His wife was sitting
next to him,
and his kid was in the back.
And there was a car
that was on his tail,
truly on his bumper
for way too long.
We're talking like, 20 blocks.
Really riding his tail,
and then when
they finally get to a light,
this person almost hits him.
And so he gets ready
to get out of the car,
and his wife does that thing
that, you know, socially,
we almost expect wives to do.
Like, "No, don't get out
of the car.
Leave it alone.
No, let's go home."
That's stupid, right?
And he gets out of the car.
'No, I'm handling it!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And he gets out of the car.
He's so mad,
he slams his own door
as he's walking towards
the other car, screaming.
I'm sure this dude
heard him in his car
before he even got there.
He's like,
"What's wrong with you?
What's wrong?
You stupid? You a moron?
What's wrong?
You out of your mind?
I got my family in the car.
You almost hit us.
Where'd you learn to drive?
You need to go back
to driving school, right?"
And then this guy
gets out of the car.
And this guy
got out of the car for longer
'cause he's a bigger man.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Yeah, like my friend
got out of the car
in the time it takes a person
to get out of a car.
This guy got out
of the car forever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It would be like if you were
yelling at somebody
that was sitting down,
but then they stood up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
until you were like,
"Uh-oh. Hey."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so then
this dude gets out of the car
and they're in each other's
faces and everything.
And look, I wasn't there.
I heard the story from his wife.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But you know,
they're in each other's faces
and because I wasn't there,
I don't know who put hands
on who first.
All I know is that this man
grabbed my friend...
and he shook him.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And we're gonna stay on this
until you understand the gravity
of a grown man being shaken,
all right?
'Cause I need to be clear,
they didn't tussle
back and forth.
They weren't pushing
and pulling.
He shook him, all right?
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
-Shook him hard.
Shook him like a hysterical
mob wife in her 30s
was like, "Calm down, dawg."
-Like...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...shook him.
That is devastating.
Getting shook like that. Look...
every one of us,
no matter who you are,
we all come into this world
an innocent,
delicate, tiny baby.
And you should never, ever,
never, under any circumstance,
you never,
you never,
there's never a reason to,
you never shake a baby.
But as you get older, you get
like real bones or whatever.
And like, I don't know,
just like cartilage settles in
and stuff.
So then one day,
goodness forbid,
if you get shaken up,
it's still traumatic,
but it's not the same trauma
as being shaken as a baby,
you know?
'Cause I forgot to mention
that when he shook him,
he did pick him up.
And that's a totally different
sensation too.
He probably hadn't had that
in like, 25 years.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
'Cause once again,
when you become a parent,
you have
all these people's advice,
you have all of these people
telling you what you should do,
what you shouldn't do,
but nobody ever sits you down.
Especially as a man,
no one comes to you
and sits you down
and tells you what to do
if you lose a fight
in front of your family.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It could happen.
Everybody doesn't have hands
like that, you know?
'Cause this man
is being shook in the air.
You know how strong
you have to be
to lift somebody and shake them?
And once again, I wasn't there.
His wife told me this,
but apparently
when he shook him,
he shook him so hard that...
you could hear it.
Like you could hear...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Do you know how strong
you have to be
to hear clothes
when you shake somebody?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
This man is in the air.
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Devastating.
And then,
when this man was done...
shaking my friend...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...he just put him down.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
No.
No, if you shake me,
you better kill me, all right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
How am I supposed
to go back to my family shook?
How am I supposed to be
a father shook?
These children just got
a shook daddy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
'Cause remember,
he got out of the car,
probably thought
he was defending his family.
You know, got out of the car,
was yelling, then get shook.
And because I wasn't there,
I don't know.
I don't know if he...
turned him around
when he put him down or...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...if he let him find
his own way back to the car.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
All I know is that this man
walks back to the car shook.
He gotta...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
"Yeah. That's the brake."
That's devastating.
And you gotta
think about this thing...
from his wife's perspective.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
'Cause remember, she did
what she thought was right.
You know, he stopped the car
and everything, was getting out.
"No, don't get out.
Leave it alone. That's stupid.
No, let's just go home.
No, I'm handling it."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then
she didn't get out of the car.
So, she didn't see.
She could only hear.
'Cause I forgot
to mention this before,
that when he shook him
and he was in the air,
it just came out.
It just happened.
I'm sure he didn't want it to.
I'm sure he wishes
he could take it back,
but it just happened.
You're in the air.
You're getting shook.
This is terrifying.
So, it just comes out.
He's in the air.
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(YELPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Look, all of us
can act tough if we want to,
but every man in here knows
we all got five of those
in our lifetime, all right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They usually come out when
you think the plane's going down
or something, but...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But what else
was he supposed to do?
He's getting shook in the air.
This man put him on tumble low.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
So, imagine this thing
from his wife's perspective.
This dude slams the door,
gets out of the car.
"What's wrong with you?
What's wrong? You stupid?
You a moron? What's wrong?
You out of your mind?
I got my family in the car.
You almost hit us.
Who taught you how to drive?
You need to go back
to driving school.
I don't care if you
get out of the car.
I don't care if..."
-(CLOTH RUFFLING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
And then...
you have to watch
your husband...
the man you tethered
your life to...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...walk back to the car...
and try to drive off
like nothing happened.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But look, that's your wife,
you know?
That's your wife.
And wives can forgive a lot,
you know?
Like wives can forgive
the world of a person.
She'll probably act like
she didn't even hear it
until y'all have a fight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
You'll convince yourself
that she didn't hear it
and then one day
you say the right thing and oof.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
She even hits the perfect pitch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But this thing happened
in front of his kid.
That's devastating.
That's... Look,
I don't care who you are,
even a deadbeat, you want
your kids to look up to you.
This happened
in front of his child.
That's gotta be heartbreaking.
And sure, the baby's 18 months.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But the car seat
was rear facing,
he saw the whole thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're just sitting there,
you're a baby.
In your car seat, looking out
the back windshield...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And your dad gets out of the car
and you just hear like...
(IMITATING INDISTINCT ARGUMENT)
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
Because look,
this thing goes for everyone.
It doesn't matter who you are.
If you are lucky enough
to have your parents
in your life
and have a good relationship
with your parents,
one of the greatest gifts is...
you truly understanding
your parents
and your parents
truly understanding you.
Because I'm not saying
take love for granted,
but love is like
a different thing.
Understanding
is something totally separate.
You would hope
that you have that.
You come from these people.
These are the people
that raised you.
And even on the flip side,
for a parent to a child,
you would want your child
to really understand you
and hope that
you actually understand them.
You've watched them grow.
You understand things
about them.
You know things about them
they probably don't even know
about themselves
because they can't even remember
back to when they were starting
to develop that personality,
the type of person
that they are now.
Understanding
is a real gift, and...
Sure, this baby is 18 months.
Eighteen months
turns to three years,
turns to five years,
turns to middle school,
turns to high school.
Turns to that point
in your life where...
maybe you go to college,
or maybe you go out
into the world and start
your career right away.
And in all that time,
you love your parents,
and you know
that your parents love you,
and you are proud
that you come from them.
You know
that they're proud of you.
But you never fully understand
in all that time,
from a baby to present,
you never really get it,
why your dad
always speeds through
this intersection, like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Like every time, he floors it.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I have a lot of social anxiety.
And when you have
social anxiety,
it's a lot like being in a car.
And the car can't park
and it can't go in reverse.
It can just be in drive
at all times.
So you're extra tense
behind the wheel 'cause
you don't want to make a mistake
'cause you know
if you make a mistake,
you can't stop, right?
But on a long enough timeline,
as a human being,
you will make a mistake.
So, then you look crazy
at anyone who's not in the car
that doesn't understand
your situation.
'Cause let's say one day
you just hit something,
maybe you hit a mailbox
or something,
and then somebody runs out,
"Come back here,
you hit something,"
and you lean out the window.
"I'm so sorry,
I can only be in drive."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And in this scenario,
the car is like my life
and drive is time.
Because I can't stop time
and fix times
where I was awkward,
and can't go back in time
and fix times
where I was awkward,
I can just scream about it
in the shower.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know?
And like, if we're talking,
one of my biggest pet peeves,
like maybe top five,
is when you're just
looking around.
And you're not even
looking at anything.
You're just moving your head
with your eyes open.
You're just being alive. Right?
And then you happen
to look at someone, right?
And you're not
even really looking at them.
This is just where
your eyes have rested, right?
So, you just happen
to look at someone,
but then they look at you,
a second after you look at them,
so you look like
you've been staring,
but I wasn't staring.
I wasn't staring at all.
And if you looked at me
a second ago, you'd see
wasn't even looking at you,
but because you looked at me
right after I looked at you,
I look like I've been
looking at you forever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Now, if this happens
in the regular world,
it's not a big deal.
You can go your separate ways
in any direction,
but unfortunately,
I was on the bus.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was on the bus,
and I was just looking around.
I happened to look at someone,
and they turned and looked at me
a second after I looked at them,
and I guess they weren't ready
to be looked at
because when they saw me
looking at them,
they were like, "Ooh,"
out of surprise, right?
And I also wasn't ready
to be looked at,
but what I did didn't
do me favors because
when they were like, "Ooh,"
I was like, "Ooh!"
And that does look bad.
That will make you
look guilty, okay?
If you let your eyes get big,
you look like you did
whatever people think you did.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so now I don't know
what to do because once again,
if this happened
in the regular world,
I could just go a separate way
in any direction,
but I'm gonna be on the bus
for a while
and I don't know how long
they're gonna be on the bus.
And so I was trying
to put this person at ease.
And so I said out loud,
"I'm not staring at you,"
which does not sound true.
That sounds like
a lie every time.
That's... I also said too loud
'cause this is the first person
I had talked to all day,
and so I hadn't distinguished
my inside voice from
my outside voice in my head.
And so I started too loud
and I stayed too loud.
I was like, 'I'm not
staring at you," which...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so now, for the rest
of the time that I'm on the bus,
when I look over here,
I'm good, I'm golden.
But when I look back over here,
'cause I gotta
look back over here.
I can't just look over here.
That'll look like I was lying
and I was staring.
So, when I look back
over here strategically,
I just gotta cut them out
of my field of vision, right?
'Cause if I look
at everything but them,
I'll show them there's stuff
besides them to look at, okay?
And then finally,
it came that time where,
you know,
the bus got to my stop.
And unfortunately,
they did have the same one.
They did have the same stop.
Now, look, this was
when I lived in Chicago.
And so this bus stop
was a long walk,
but a straight shot
to my apartment.
I'm not going to stay on the bus
for extra stops
just because this was awkward,
you know?
'Cause in my head,
there's always the possibility
that maybe I'll go this way
and they'll go this way.
And they did not.
They went in exactly
the direction I needed to go
and they got off the bus
before me.
So, they like 15, 20 steps
ahead of me,
which is a terrible distance
to be walking
when you're walking
at the speed of walking. Right?
So now they're looking
over their shoulder at me
over and over again.
And I'm like, you know what?
Let me just...
I'm gonna cross the street
because I... I... I don't know
where they're going.
I don't want to know where
they're going, but I'm just
gonna cross the street.
That way, I have my side
of the street and they have
their side of the street.
And so I crossed the street,
but the problem
with construction in Chicago...
is that if they are
working on a building,
especially a tall one,
they'll shut the sidewalk down,
'cause things could fall, right?
And so I get
two blocks to myself
before the sidewalk
up ahead is closed,
and I gotta cross back over
back to where I was before.
The time it took me
to cross the street
put me right back
where I was before.
Fifteen, 20 steps behind them,
and they keep looking over
their shoulder at me,
and I'm trying to put
this person at ease,
and so I say out loud,
"I'm not following you,"
which...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-...does not sound true.
Spies don't have
to say that, right?
So now, you know,
I can see my apartment building
in the distance,
so I'm thinking in my head,
should I just run?
Like, "Should I run?"
'Cause here's the thing.
Hear me out. Here's the thing.
If I run and I get ahead,
now I'm not the creep.
They're the creep, okay?
Because the creep
can't be the one ahead.
The creep is always
the one behind, right?
So if I get ahead of them,
now I can be like, "Uh, uh, uh,"
and they can see how it feels,
'cause I'm just trying
to get home.
The problem with running
is if I run, that means
for at least two seconds,
I'm coming right at them,
and that is also bad, right?
But now I'm so close
to my apartment building,
I decide I'm just
gonna go for it,
I'm just gonna run.
So then I start running,
but when I start running,
they start running,
and they were fast.
They were an athlete,
knees to chest with it, right?
And so I'm running as hard
as I can, not to catch up,
to try to get ahead,
to get my get back, right?
But I'm falling behind
'cause I'm not as athletic,
so then out of frustration
I do yell out,
"I'm not chasing you!"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Which probably feels like
the least true thing
that I've said.
But now I'm so close
to my apartment building,
I don't even care
about them anymore.
So then I veer off
to the left a little bit,
and they veer off
to the left a little bit,
and this is how
I met my neighbor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And look, I have empathy.
I understand.
That must be incredibly jarring,
all right?
To be just living your life,
you're on the bus, you turn,
and someone's already
looking at you,
and when you go, "Ooh."
They go, "Ooh!"
And then they say out loud,
"I'm not staring at you!"
And then you get off the bus,
and they get off the bus,
but when you look over
your shoulder, they're like,
"I'm not following you!"
And then they start running,
but when you start running,
they're like,
"I'm not chasing you!"
And then you get
to your apartment building,
and they're like,
I have a key too. Like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That can't feel good,
but I am also the victim.
All right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
It's, uh...
It's taken all the time that
I've been given up until now
to realize what a gift
everything is.
You know, your rowdy family
that drives you insane.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
Those small notes of moments
that pull you out of loneliness
and make you feel special.
(DRUM PLAYING)
A chorus of questions
about the miracles of life.
(TRUMPET PLAYING)
From the time
that your heartbeat
first finds its rhythm
until you take your last breath.
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
Life is our opportunity
to microdose infinity.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Every possibility, inevitability
just stacking and colliding
in a world that feels so loud.
If you stop for one second
to listen to all this racket
we make,
all this noise, you realize...
it's music.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Thanks for listening.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
(TRAFFIC PASSING)
(CARS HONKING)
(KEYBOARD PLAYING)
(CAR HONK SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
La-- La-- Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
for Josh Johnson!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Wow.
Thank you all so, so much.
Oh, my gosh.
(CHEERING FADES)
If you're not careful,
especially as a man,
you end up spending
the last 50 years of your life
still trying to figure out
the first 15.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know what I mean? Like,
there are just some people where
whatever happened in high school
is kind of perpetually happening
for the rest of their lives.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Like, I'll tell you right now,
I do my best, truly,
to be as good of a person
as I can.
I'm not perfect.
I'm sure there's somebody
you can find,
somewhere out in the world,
that's like, "He trash."
Like, that's...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-That's everybody.
None of us are gonna
get out clean, you know?
Everybody has enemies.
But I really do my best
to treat people
as best as I can.
You know, and...
Not just 'cause you're,
like, supposed to.
It's something that would make
my mom proud and everything.
It's how she raised me.
It also just makes
for a better world, you know?
But when you are trying to be
as good as you possibly can,
especially when
it comes to dating,
sometimes you get
labeled "nice," right?
And nice is a death sentence.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
It doesn't seem like
it would be,
but it's pretty bad. Nice...
If you went on a date
with somebody
and then later you overheard,
it's like, "How was your date
with them?" "Oh, he's nice."
You know, okay,
it's not going to happen.
It's not...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's wow, nothing. Wow, okay.
You know? Because the thing is,
you're supposed to be nice.
Nice isn't the bar,
that's the floor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Like you should...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
...hopefully be nice.
Saying someone is nice
after spending time with them,
'cause remember,
they didn't say "kind,"
they didn't say "sweet,"
they said, "nice."
It would be like if you went
on a date with someone
and then later on you overheard,
"How was your date with him?"
"Oh, he has a face."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You would hope so.
That would be ideal.
That's not a compliment
to be like, "Eyes right where
they're supposed to be."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, I bring this up
because when I was younger,
I wasn't always
very confident or anything.
I look back at that time
and there was someone
who I liked very much,
went ahead, shot my shot. Right?
Turns out they
weren't interested. It happens.
You get your first little lesson
at rejection and everything.
And how you deal with
that rejection becomes
your character around
what it's like to be around you.
And then some time passed and...
later on, she started dating
this guy that was not nice.
He was not nice at all.
This guy was a--
This guy was a jerk,
a real jerk.
And I'm not just being a hater.
He had enemies.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And from the time I was a kid
all the way into adulthood,
it's nothing new
that I'm saying.
It's almost like a trope
that the girls, the women,
they go for jerks.
That's like the narrative
that's out there.
It's out there online.
It's like the father
of romantic comedies
and everything.
And I couldn't understand it
'cause she was so cool.
And then she was
with this guy who sucks.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know,
and I didn't really get it.
Why so many girls
when I was in high school,
and then women as I got older
went for guys who were...
like, jerks.
I never understood it...
until a week ago.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
All right,
I was traveling, right?
I was late
because I woke up late.
I didn't prepare myself.
I had to rush,
put my stuff in the suitcase,
everything, called an Uber.
I get in the Uber,
and my Uber driver
is an incredible driver,
impeccable driver, following
all the rules of the road,
doing everything
that he's supposed to do.
He's doing stuff I didn't even
know people did anymore.
Like, not only is his music
so low you can hear him
turn his blinker on,
but he also puts his arm
out the window to...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This guy is a very good driver
and a nice guy.
He was stopping at yellows
and letting people go.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
He's very nice, but I'm late.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, I even tried
to hint at him a little bit.
You know, I was like,
"Hey, do you think
we'll make it?"
And he's like, "Oh, I hope so."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This man did the math out loud
in front of me.
He's like, "All right, well,
we're going 55 miles per hour
'cause I can't speed.
That'd be dangerous.
So, we're going
55 miles per hour.
You said you need to be there
in 36 minutes.
With the amount of miles
we have left,
yeah, it looks like
you're going to be
ten minutes late, that's...
Oh, I hate it for you."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then...
we get to the airport
and by the skin of my teeth,
truly, I make my flight.
It was delayed.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
A couple days later, admittedly,
I didn't learn my lesson.
I woke up late again.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I was packing and stuff,
ordering the Uber
at the same time.
I run out to the Uber.
I get inside, and then
this guy is sitting there.
He just turns to me,
looks at me in the back seat,
and goes, "You ready?"
I was like, "Yeah."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And the way he peeled out...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I was sitting in the car like...
(CHUCKLES BASHFULLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, he was not safe.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This was a bad boy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This guy was wild.
This guy was over here swerving.
He was cutting people off.
You could hear it.
But this man wasn't safe at all.
I don't know if he turned
his blinkers on once.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And you could hear it.
You could hear the honking
from behind us.
This guy was not a good driver.
He was driving like a jerk.
But he was a jerk
to everyone but me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
And I'd be lying
if I said that...
I didn't think about him
sometimes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, sometimes
you're just in traffic...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...daydreaming.
You know? 'Cause I've been
in LA for a few days,
and in that time,
I've had to take, you know,
some cabs, some Ubers,
and very, very nice drivers.
Like, very nice. But if you were
to ask me about them,
I'd be like, "He aight."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You know, he just doesn't
get me there like that.
You know what I'm saying?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Because careless people are...
they're incredibly enchanting
until they're careless with you.
You know,
because then I got into a car,
once again,
not a safe driver, not nice.
We got into like a little touch
of a fender bender, right?
He swerved.
And I hit my head
on the window and everything.
And I was just sitting there
like, I just want somebody nice.
I just want...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...somebody that follows
the rules of the road,
you know what I mean?
Someone that knows
what they're doing.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
All right?
Do y'all ever wonder
if the first...
chiropractor...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...was just bad at murder?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I hurt my back, right?
I hurt my back.
I went to the chiropractor.
I didn't even really know
what chiropractors do.
I just knew that
they were supposed to fix
like backs and stuff.
And so I laid there.
I didn't know what to expect.
But then this man put one hand
here and one hand here.
And I was like...
(CLICKS TONGUE) "I'ma go." Uh...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, I don't know
what I did to offend you,
but I have watched
a lot of Jason Bourne.
I know exactly
what happens next.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You're not gonna get me.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I can't take
my uncle anywhere...
because he weird.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And he's not even like
the regular type of weird
that an uncle would be.
The stuff my uncle does,
nobody else does.
You know? Like,
if you take him out to eat
and he has some good food,
we're talking like
the best version of that food
he has ever had.
He can't just say it's good.
He can't just enjoy it.
You know, he has this good food
and he has to audibly, loudly...
catcall his food.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I took my uncle
to a nice restaurant.
I'm talking like
fine dining, right?
Told this man to dress up.
He still showed up
in his signature tracksuit.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was like,
"I told you to dress up,
what are you doing?"
He's like,
"I got my chain on, what?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Sure enough, we sit down,
he ordered the lobster bisque.
And I guess it was
the best lobster
that had ever been bisqued.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Because this man took a sip
and instead of just saying
it was good,
this man goes...
(SMACKING LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, okay."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, she thick."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING FADES)
I took my uncle to get barbecue.
And he ordered
a piece of Texas toast.
I guess it was
the best Texas toast
that had ever been toasted
in Texas.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Because this man took a bite
and instead of just
giving it a "yum..."
he bit into it and he goes...
(SMACKS LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, all right."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, go on with your fat ass."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And at a certain point,
I'm like, is it me?
Is it to embarrass me?
Because there are people
turning around to look at us
to make sure they heard
what they thought they heard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But he can't help himself.
And I know he can't help himself
because I ordered pizza.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was at his place.
We were chilling.
I ordered some pizza.
Pizza gets there.
I get up, walk to the door,
grab the pizza,
tip the delivery driver.
Bring it back
to the living room.
I leave the room
to wash my hands.
This man starts
without me, right?
Opens the box.
I'm coming back
down the hallway.
He does not know
I'm within earshot.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then alone... by himself...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...he grabs a slice,
takes a bite,
and goes...
(SMACKS LIPS)
(IN SEXY VOICE) "Oh."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, I didn't know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, I see, I'm gonna have
to bend you over."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I cannot take him anywhere.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Sometimes something happens
when you're little
and you don't quite
have the words,
you can't distill
how you feel about it.
You know, it takes time,
you get older and then
you look back and you're like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
"That was weird."
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
-Or something happens,
you get old enough,
you make friends
and they hear your story,
you tell them what happened
and they're like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
"That was weird."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
When I was little,
I was in karate and...
I wasn't good.
I wasn't good at all.
In fact, I was so bad
that one time my teacher
pulled me aside mid-class
to tell me if anybody
ever messed with me...
to yell "fire."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And everybody in my class
was a white belt
except for like
one or two people.
There was one person
that was like yellow,
one person that was orange
or something.
And then everybody
in my class was 11.
Except for one student.
Kevin was 45.
And normally I'd say it's never
too late to learn a martial art.
It's never too late to,
like, move your body
in a way that gives you
confidence, you know?
And I had no problem with Kevin,
but I just didn't like
what our school would do.
Because in our school,
every day they would train us
one or two moves.
They'd drill us
in these one or two moves.
Fifty minutes, one or two moves.
Right? But then
the last ten minutes of class...
was sparring.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so every class,
one of us had to spar Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And no one ever brought it up.
Nobody thought
it was weird or anything.
Our parents were there,
by the way.
Our parents thought it was funny
that every class,
one of us had to fight
a 45-year-old.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And look,
whether you're good or not,
let me tell you,
if you are 45
and your opponent is 11,
all the moves work.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
The amount of times I got
my leg swiped from under me?
I'd just be horizontal
in the air, furious.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
'Cause nobody
in the class was good
except for like one kid.
There was one kid
we actually called Karate Kid
'cause he was so good.
He was incredible.
He was like the first of us
to get real motor skills
and stuff.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know, 'cause he had
such a high physical IQ
that you could just
show him a move once
and he got it like that
immediately.
He could do it
the way that you did it,
just from seeing it,
just that one time.
And he even had a party trick.
They'd make him do it
at his school,
we'd make him do it in class,
where if you put something
on your head,
even if you were
taller than him,
as long as you were still,
he could jump up real high
and kick it off your head.
Not touch a hair on your head.
He was very, very, very good.
But you wouldn't know it
when he sparred Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
He was over here
getting his legs swiped too.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And one day Karate Kid decided
enough is enough.
He even went up
to the other kids and was like,
"We're not gonna
take it anymore."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so they decided.
that one day, after class...
in the parking lot...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...they were gonna jump Kevin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They were trying
to recruit everybody.
They told me about the plan.
I was like, "Y'all,
that sounds like a bad idea,
but I'll watch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And sure enough,
one day, Kevin is leaving class.
And Kevin wasn't just 45, right?
He was like a touch,
just a touch heavyset.
He had a slouch,
almost like there was a weight
pulling him down by his chin.
And he had this tiny,
almost imperceptible
little waddle to his walk.
You know,
and so he's walking to his car,
and this is the '90s,
so he didn't have the...
(IMITATES CAR LOCK BEEP)
...he had to put the key
in the door.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But he's walking to his car,
he takes his key out,
and that's when the first kid
ran out like, "Kyah!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And it had never occurred to us
as 11-year-olds that maybe,
just maybe, in class,
Kevin was pulling his punches.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
'Cause that first kid
ran out like, "Kyah!"
And not only did Kevin move
out of the way,
he just sort of mushed that kid
against the car door
and slid him down.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then 11, 11-year-olds
descended on Kevin
in the parking lot.
If you had been passing by
in your car,
Kevin would look
like Jackie Chan
in Rumble in the Bronx.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Because the amount of children
that are flying
to and from Kevin
is a sight.
Even if you closed your eyes,
all you could hear was, "Kyah!"
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
There was a kid that ran up
and threw a kick at Kevin,
and Kevin caught
the kick and threw it, like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Kevin was using a kid
to beat a kid.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And the whole time,
Karate Kid was chilling
in the background, right?
'Cause I think it was his plan
for everybody else
to run up on Kevin,
soften him up a little bit.
He could get in there
and deliver that
knockout blow, right?
But he's watching
his plan fall apart in real time
'cause all his friends
are getting juggled.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so he must've decided,
I gotta do it, I gotta step in.
This kid runs in.
I still don't even know
what this move is called.
This kid runs up,
stops just short of Kevin,
jumps up in the air,
high in the air,
spins in the air.
And as he's bringing
his leg down
to kick Kevin in the arm,
not only does
Kevin block the kick...
he grabbed his leg and sort of
rolled him to the ground.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And then Kevin stood up...
turned and...
looked at me.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And I was like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Fire."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
And Kevin took his key out,
stepped over some children...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
put his key in the door...
slid a kid out the way...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...got in his car
and drove off feeling,
I'm assuming, like a superhero
because I didn't
know Kevin well, but...
I knew he looked like
he needed that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(DRUM PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
I've been very blessed
to come from...
an incredible family of cooks.
My mom, amazing cook.
My aunt, phenomenal cook.
My grandma,
best cook I ever met.
But every once in a while,
they would cook something.
You know, like, my mom would
cook some Brussels sprouts,
put them on the plate in front
of me, and I'd be like, "Ooh,
um...
this is not what
the streets are talking about."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And I would do
what a lot of kids would do.
I would, you know,
try to move as much
of the food as I possibly could,
because in my mind,
if I displace enough
of these sprouts,
she gonna lose count, right?
And it never worked on my mom.
I don't know if she was counting
sprouts specifically
or what she was doing,
but she'd always be like,
"Finish your vegetables."
And I would say,
"Mama, I wish I could."
But I ate so much
of the delicious food
that you cooked,
I couldn't possibly fit
these devil demon sprouts...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...that you've put on the plate,
which are honestly
very unlike you.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then my mom
would say a thing that
you've probably heard before.
She'd be like, "Boy, there are
starving children in Africa,
and you over here wasting food."
And I remember
the first time she said it,
'cause it really
stuck out to me.
First time she said it,
I had to be like seven,
eight years old or something.
And I remember,
'cause I remember my reaction.
'Cause she said that,
and I was like, "Oh... what?"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"Oh, what... what...
what does that
have to do with this?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Oh, were you not
gonna tell me that
if I ate all my food?
That sounds like an emergency.
Are you going to do something?"
Like, "Send them something.
Send them this."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
As I got older,
I realized that's the only thing
that we do like that.
That's the only time
a kid won't act the way
we want them to act,
so we just tell them
a terrible fact.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Like if a kid
isn't paying attention in class,
the teacher doesn't pull them
out of the classroom
into the hallway and go, "Look.
JFK got his head blown off."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Use your brains
while you have them, all right?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you see
how traumatic that is?
You see how terrifying
that is to do to a kid,
how unnecessary that is?
It makes me wonder if we're
the only ones that do that.
Like it makes me wonder
what parents say in Africa.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
If their kids don't wanna eat,
are they like, "Listen...
listen to me."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"There are children
in America...
eating unseasoned food."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
"Finish your vegetables."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
I started...
started reading the Bible again.
And one thing about reading
Bible stories when you're a kid
versus an adult is that
now you have a little bit
of life experience
to apply to the lesson at hand.
You know, like, I see all these
stories in a different context
than when I was a kid
going to Sunday school.
Like, I...
Like, I think about the miracle
of Jesus turning
the water to wine.
And that one always,
like, fascinated me,
even from when I was a kid.
It just...
It blew my mind
because when you think of Jesus,
you don't necessarily think
of like a party guy.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
In fact, if you're at a party
and someone brings up Jesus,
you're like,
"Oh, you not fun. Okay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's what people think.
And then here though,
in this story... in case
you haven't heard the story,
basically Jesus was at a wedding
and at this wedding, you know,
they ran out of wine and Jesus,
I guess, was in the back
talking to, like,
bride, groom, I don't know.
But then someone ran in
and was like,
"Oh, no, we've run out of wine."
And Jesus was like,
"Give me your water."
And he turned the water to wine.
And then people said
it was the best wine
of the night, right?
And once again,
it just floored me as a kid,
even now,
because this is Jesus
at a party.
God! If you believe
the Christian tradition,
is at this party.
And I think about how
all these things, substances,
alcohol, whatever it is,
there's a level
of escapism to it.
You know, sometimes that's
actually more of the addiction.
It's not just how
this thing affects your brain.
It's like the feeling
you have when you're doing it
versus the feeling you have
when you're not doing it.
And so I wonder if in
that moment that wasn't some..
escapism for Jesus too.
You know, he's at this party
and maybe he's thinking
to himself, "Wow.
These are the dullest people
I've ever met in my entire life.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Like this is actually terrible.
This is insane.
I can't believe, wow,
what a terrible mix of people.
No one has anything to say.
Everybody's just telling
the same story
over and over again.
This is the worst hang
of my life. And I know
about the one coming up.
This is horrible."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"These people suck."
And then someone comes in,
they're like,
"Oh, no, the wedding's ruined.
All the wine is gone.
We're out of wine."
And Jesus is like,
"No, you're not.
Come here. Give me the..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Let me get to mixing."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Or there's the miracle
of Jesus healing the blind man.
In case you're not familiar
with the story,
basically there's this blind man
that runs up to Jesus.
I don't know how he found him.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There's this blind man
that runs up to Jesus
and says, "Lord, I'm blind.
Please have mercy on me.
Please heal me." Right?
And then Jesus...
scoops up some mud
from the earth.
Spits in the mud.
Rubs it on the man's face
and says, "Go wash your face.
And when you wash your eyes,
you'll be healed."
And that's exactly
what happened.
This man washed his face.
And when he washed his face,
he could see.
There's even the story
of Jesus healing the leper.
Right? Back in the day,
they didn't understand germs.
They didn't know
why leprosy spread.
They just... If you got leprosy,
you were cast out.
And it wasn't just like
the polite thing to do.
You had to. It was like
a code of conduct in society
that if anyone was
approaching you
and you had leprosy,
you had to let them know
from afar.
You had to scream,
"Unclean, unclean.
Don't touch me." Right.
But Jesus was walking
and this leper goes,
"Unclean, unclean."
And Jesus touches the leper.
The leper is healed instantly.
And I think
it's a beautiful story.
I think it's symbolic
of how we should reach out
to people that society
has cast out.
We should try
to find love and understanding.
Also, I think it's a great story
about how an instant
can change a person's life.
But I think
in that actual moment,
it would have been
pretty awkward
if that formerly blind guy
was there.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
'Cause I think he would have
been standing there like,
"So, that mud and spit thing,
that..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"That's not like
an every time thing?
That's just...
That's just for Dennis?
That's just
when Dennis need healing?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Because I would have
let you slap me.
Why would you...?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Don't get me wrong,
thankful to be healed. Look,
I'm not trying to give notes.
I'm just saying,
you scooped the mud.
I knew it was mud,
but then I heard you...
Ptooey, ptooey.
And then you..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"And then you told me
to go find water.
I had to go find water,
still blind.
Go find water."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"This man just gets a high five?
That doesn't feel fair at all."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
"I even tried milk first,
but you said water specifically.
Wow! Wow!"
(TRUMPET PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
(APPLAUDING, CHEERING CONTINUES)
A lot of my friends
are having kids and everything,
and it's a wild experience
to watch somebody,
whether you grew up
with this person or just
known them for a long time,
watching them become a parent,
the way it changes them.
And one thing
that's very jarring,
I'm realizing as I get older,
that there's parents
and there's people with kids.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
You can tell the difference
usually because, look, a parent,
you can tell,
they're judging everything.
They're looking at everything
through this lens
of how it affects their kids.
Even if they're no longer
with the person
they had the kids with,
how does this thing,
whatever it is I'm about to do,
whatever life decision,
how does this affect my kids,
all right?
And then there are people
that no matter how long
you've known them,
you'll turn to them one day
and be like,
"You got a daughter?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so...
I think about one of my friends
who, um...
He's always been
like a hothead, right?
But he calmed down a little bit
when he got married,
calmed down a little bit more
when he had a kid,
but he got into
this road rage incident,
where basically he was
in his car, he was driving.
His wife was sitting
next to him,
and his kid was in the back.
And there was a car
that was on his tail,
truly on his bumper
for way too long.
We're talking like, 20 blocks.
Really riding his tail,
and then when
they finally get to a light,
this person almost hits him.
And so he gets ready
to get out of the car,
and his wife does that thing
that, you know, socially,
we almost expect wives to do.
Like, "No, don't get out
of the car.
Leave it alone.
No, let's go home."
That's stupid, right?
And he gets out of the car.
'No, I'm handling it!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And he gets out of the car.
He's so mad,
he slams his own door
as he's walking towards
the other car, screaming.
I'm sure this dude
heard him in his car
before he even got there.
He's like,
"What's wrong with you?
What's wrong?
You stupid? You a moron?
What's wrong?
You out of your mind?
I got my family in the car.
You almost hit us.
Where'd you learn to drive?
You need to go back
to driving school, right?"
And then this guy
gets out of the car.
And this guy
got out of the car for longer
'cause he's a bigger man.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Yeah, like my friend
got out of the car
in the time it takes a person
to get out of a car.
This guy got out
of the car forever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It would be like if you were
yelling at somebody
that was sitting down,
but then they stood up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
and they kept standing up
until you were like,
"Uh-oh. Hey."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And so then
this dude gets out of the car
and they're in each other's
faces and everything.
And look, I wasn't there.
I heard the story from his wife.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But you know,
they're in each other's faces
and because I wasn't there,
I don't know who put hands
on who first.
All I know is that this man
grabbed my friend...
and he shook him.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And we're gonna stay on this
until you understand the gravity
of a grown man being shaken,
all right?
'Cause I need to be clear,
they didn't tussle
back and forth.
They weren't pushing
and pulling.
He shook him, all right?
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
-Shook him hard.
Shook him like a hysterical
mob wife in her 30s
was like, "Calm down, dawg."
-Like...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...shook him.
That is devastating.
Getting shook like that. Look...
every one of us,
no matter who you are,
we all come into this world
an innocent,
delicate, tiny baby.
And you should never, ever,
never, under any circumstance,
you never,
you never,
there's never a reason to,
you never shake a baby.
But as you get older, you get
like real bones or whatever.
And like, I don't know,
just like cartilage settles in
and stuff.
So then one day,
goodness forbid,
if you get shaken up,
it's still traumatic,
but it's not the same trauma
as being shaken as a baby,
you know?
'Cause I forgot to mention
that when he shook him,
he did pick him up.
And that's a totally different
sensation too.
He probably hadn't had that
in like, 25 years.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
'Cause once again,
when you become a parent,
you have
all these people's advice,
you have all of these people
telling you what you should do,
what you shouldn't do,
but nobody ever sits you down.
Especially as a man,
no one comes to you
and sits you down
and tells you what to do
if you lose a fight
in front of your family.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It could happen.
Everybody doesn't have hands
like that, you know?
'Cause this man
is being shook in the air.
You know how strong
you have to be
to lift somebody and shake them?
And once again, I wasn't there.
His wife told me this,
but apparently
when he shook him,
he shook him so hard that...
you could hear it.
Like you could hear...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Do you know how strong
you have to be
to hear clothes
when you shake somebody?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
This man is in the air.
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Devastating.
And then,
when this man was done...
shaking my friend...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...he just put him down.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
No.
No, if you shake me,
you better kill me, all right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
How am I supposed
to go back to my family shook?
How am I supposed to be
a father shook?
These children just got
a shook daddy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
'Cause remember,
he got out of the car,
probably thought
he was defending his family.
You know, got out of the car,
was yelling, then get shook.
And because I wasn't there,
I don't know.
I don't know if he...
turned him around
when he put him down or...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...if he let him find
his own way back to the car.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
All I know is that this man
walks back to the car shook.
He gotta...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
"Yeah. That's the brake."
That's devastating.
And you gotta
think about this thing...
from his wife's perspective.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
'Cause remember, she did
what she thought was right.
You know, he stopped the car
and everything, was getting out.
"No, don't get out.
Leave it alone. That's stupid.
No, let's just go home.
No, I'm handling it."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And then
she didn't get out of the car.
So, she didn't see.
She could only hear.
'Cause I forgot
to mention this before,
that when he shook him
and he was in the air,
it just came out.
It just happened.
I'm sure he didn't want it to.
I'm sure he wishes
he could take it back,
but it just happened.
You're in the air.
You're getting shook.
This is terrifying.
So, it just comes out.
He's in the air.
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(YELPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Look, all of us
can act tough if we want to,
but every man in here knows
we all got five of those
in our lifetime, all right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
They usually come out when
you think the plane's going down
or something, but...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But what else
was he supposed to do?
He's getting shook in the air.
This man put him on tumble low.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
So, imagine this thing
from his wife's perspective.
This dude slams the door,
gets out of the car.
"What's wrong with you?
What's wrong? You stupid?
You a moron? What's wrong?
You out of your mind?
I got my family in the car.
You almost hit us.
Who taught you how to drive?
You need to go back
to driving school.
I don't care if you
get out of the car.
I don't care if..."
-(CLOTH RUFFLING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
And then...
you have to watch
your husband...
the man you tethered
your life to...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
...walk back to the car...
and try to drive off
like nothing happened.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
But look, that's your wife,
you know?
That's your wife.
And wives can forgive a lot,
you know?
Like wives can forgive
the world of a person.
She'll probably act like
she didn't even hear it
until y'all have a fight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
You'll convince yourself
that she didn't hear it
and then one day
you say the right thing and oof.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
She even hits the perfect pitch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But this thing happened
in front of his kid.
That's devastating.
That's... Look,
I don't care who you are,
even a deadbeat, you want
your kids to look up to you.
This happened
in front of his child.
That's gotta be heartbreaking.
And sure, the baby's 18 months.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But the car seat
was rear facing,
he saw the whole thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're just sitting there,
you're a baby.
In your car seat, looking out
the back windshield...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And your dad gets out of the car
and you just hear like...
(IMITATING INDISTINCT ARGUMENT)
(CLOTH RUFFLING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
(YELPS)
Because look,
this thing goes for everyone.
It doesn't matter who you are.
If you are lucky enough
to have your parents
in your life
and have a good relationship
with your parents,
one of the greatest gifts is...
you truly understanding
your parents
and your parents
truly understanding you.
Because I'm not saying
take love for granted,
but love is like
a different thing.
Understanding
is something totally separate.
You would hope
that you have that.
You come from these people.
These are the people
that raised you.
And even on the flip side,
for a parent to a child,
you would want your child
to really understand you
and hope that
you actually understand them.
You've watched them grow.
You understand things
about them.
You know things about them
they probably don't even know
about themselves
because they can't even remember
back to when they were starting
to develop that personality,
the type of person
that they are now.
Understanding
is a real gift, and...
Sure, this baby is 18 months.
Eighteen months
turns to three years,
turns to five years,
turns to middle school,
turns to high school.
Turns to that point
in your life where...
maybe you go to college,
or maybe you go out
into the world and start
your career right away.
And in all that time,
you love your parents,
and you know
that your parents love you,
and you are proud
that you come from them.
You know
that they're proud of you.
But you never fully understand
in all that time,
from a baby to present,
you never really get it,
why your dad
always speeds through
this intersection, like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Like every time, he floors it.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I have a lot of social anxiety.
And when you have
social anxiety,
it's a lot like being in a car.
And the car can't park
and it can't go in reverse.
It can just be in drive
at all times.
So you're extra tense
behind the wheel 'cause
you don't want to make a mistake
'cause you know
if you make a mistake,
you can't stop, right?
But on a long enough timeline,
as a human being,
you will make a mistake.
So, then you look crazy
at anyone who's not in the car
that doesn't understand
your situation.
'Cause let's say one day
you just hit something,
maybe you hit a mailbox
or something,
and then somebody runs out,
"Come back here,
you hit something,"
and you lean out the window.
"I'm so sorry,
I can only be in drive."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And in this scenario,
the car is like my life
and drive is time.
Because I can't stop time
and fix times
where I was awkward,
and can't go back in time
and fix times
where I was awkward,
I can just scream about it
in the shower.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
You know?
And like, if we're talking,
one of my biggest pet peeves,
like maybe top five,
is when you're just
looking around.
And you're not even
looking at anything.
You're just moving your head
with your eyes open.
You're just being alive. Right?
And then you happen
to look at someone, right?
And you're not
even really looking at them.
This is just where
your eyes have rested, right?
So, you just happen
to look at someone,
but then they look at you,
a second after you look at them,
so you look like
you've been staring,
but I wasn't staring.
I wasn't staring at all.
And if you looked at me
a second ago, you'd see
wasn't even looking at you,
but because you looked at me
right after I looked at you,
I look like I've been
looking at you forever.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
Now, if this happens
in the regular world,
it's not a big deal.
You can go your separate ways
in any direction,
but unfortunately,
I was on the bus.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
I was on the bus,
and I was just looking around.
I happened to look at someone,
and they turned and looked at me
a second after I looked at them,
and I guess they weren't ready
to be looked at
because when they saw me
looking at them,
they were like, "Ooh,"
out of surprise, right?
And I also wasn't ready
to be looked at,
but what I did didn't
do me favors because
when they were like, "Ooh,"
I was like, "Ooh!"
And that does look bad.
That will make you
look guilty, okay?
If you let your eyes get big,
you look like you did
whatever people think you did.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so now I don't know
what to do because once again,
if this happened
in the regular world,
I could just go a separate way
in any direction,
but I'm gonna be on the bus
for a while
and I don't know how long
they're gonna be on the bus.
And so I was trying
to put this person at ease.
And so I said out loud,
"I'm not staring at you,"
which does not sound true.
That sounds like
a lie every time.
That's... I also said too loud
'cause this is the first person
I had talked to all day,
and so I hadn't distinguished
my inside voice from
my outside voice in my head.
And so I started too loud
and I stayed too loud.
I was like, 'I'm not
staring at you," which...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
And so now, for the rest
of the time that I'm on the bus,
when I look over here,
I'm good, I'm golden.
But when I look back over here,
'cause I gotta
look back over here.
I can't just look over here.
That'll look like I was lying
and I was staring.
So, when I look back
over here strategically,
I just gotta cut them out
of my field of vision, right?
'Cause if I look
at everything but them,
I'll show them there's stuff
besides them to look at, okay?
And then finally,
it came that time where,
you know,
the bus got to my stop.
And unfortunately,
they did have the same one.
They did have the same stop.
Now, look, this was
when I lived in Chicago.
And so this bus stop
was a long walk,
but a straight shot
to my apartment.
I'm not going to stay on the bus
for extra stops
just because this was awkward,
you know?
'Cause in my head,
there's always the possibility
that maybe I'll go this way
and they'll go this way.
And they did not.
They went in exactly
the direction I needed to go
and they got off the bus
before me.
So, they like 15, 20 steps
ahead of me,
which is a terrible distance
to be walking
when you're walking
at the speed of walking. Right?
So now they're looking
over their shoulder at me
over and over again.
And I'm like, you know what?
Let me just...
I'm gonna cross the street
because I... I... I don't know
where they're going.
I don't want to know where
they're going, but I'm just
gonna cross the street.
That way, I have my side
of the street and they have
their side of the street.
And so I crossed the street,
but the problem
with construction in Chicago...
is that if they are
working on a building,
especially a tall one,
they'll shut the sidewalk down,
'cause things could fall, right?
And so I get
two blocks to myself
before the sidewalk
up ahead is closed,
and I gotta cross back over
back to where I was before.
The time it took me
to cross the street
put me right back
where I was before.
Fifteen, 20 steps behind them,
and they keep looking over
their shoulder at me,
and I'm trying to put
this person at ease,
and so I say out loud,
"I'm not following you,"
which...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-...does not sound true.
Spies don't have
to say that, right?
So now, you know,
I can see my apartment building
in the distance,
so I'm thinking in my head,
should I just run?
Like, "Should I run?"
'Cause here's the thing.
Hear me out. Here's the thing.
If I run and I get ahead,
now I'm not the creep.
They're the creep, okay?
Because the creep
can't be the one ahead.
The creep is always
the one behind, right?
So if I get ahead of them,
now I can be like, "Uh, uh, uh,"
and they can see how it feels,
'cause I'm just trying
to get home.
The problem with running
is if I run, that means
for at least two seconds,
I'm coming right at them,
and that is also bad, right?
But now I'm so close
to my apartment building,
I decide I'm just
gonna go for it,
I'm just gonna run.
So then I start running,
but when I start running,
they start running,
and they were fast.
They were an athlete,
knees to chest with it, right?
And so I'm running as hard
as I can, not to catch up,
to try to get ahead,
to get my get back, right?
But I'm falling behind
'cause I'm not as athletic,
so then out of frustration
I do yell out,
"I'm not chasing you!"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Which probably feels like
the least true thing
that I've said.
But now I'm so close
to my apartment building,
I don't even care
about them anymore.
So then I veer off
to the left a little bit,
and they veer off
to the left a little bit,
and this is how
I met my neighbor.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And look, I have empathy.
I understand.
That must be incredibly jarring,
all right?
To be just living your life,
you're on the bus, you turn,
and someone's already
looking at you,
and when you go, "Ooh."
They go, "Ooh!"
And then they say out loud,
"I'm not staring at you!"
And then you get off the bus,
and they get off the bus,
but when you look over
your shoulder, they're like,
"I'm not following you!"
And then they start running,
but when you start running,
they're like,
"I'm not chasing you!"
And then you get
to your apartment building,
and they're like,
I have a key too. Like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That can't feel good,
but I am also the victim.
All right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
It's, uh...
It's taken all the time that
I've been given up until now
to realize what a gift
everything is.
You know, your rowdy family
that drives you insane.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
Those small notes of moments
that pull you out of loneliness
and make you feel special.
(DRUM PLAYING)
A chorus of questions
about the miracles of life.
(TRUMPET PLAYING)
From the time
that your heartbeat
first finds its rhythm
until you take your last breath.
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
Life is our opportunity
to microdose infinity.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Every possibility, inevitability
just stacking and colliding
in a world that feels so loud.
If you stop for one second
to listen to all this racket
we make,
all this noise, you realize...
it's music.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Thanks for listening.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)