Josie and the Pussycats (2001) Movie Script

Okay, look, I can't believe
that I'm actually here...
and that I'm gonna get
to see them in the flesh,
because, like, Dujour is
like my most favorite band
of all time!
I just want to touch them.
I don't care which one.
I don't care where.
I got all their trading cards
and all their CD's,
and all my gear is
from their clothing line,
Dujour Couture.
I mean, I straight-up love 'em,
only, you know, like brothers.
Oh, my God!
They're here!
We are here exclusive on
the tarmac as the band Dujour
heads off on their world tour.
A year ago, would you have
ever imagined number-one song,
number-one requested video?
We're number one with a bullet,
baby, comin'to you!
Marco, there's a lady up there...
"Marry me, Marco..."
with a wedding dress.
- Keep buyin' the records, baby!
- Can you send it back to
all the guys in the studio?
What's up, John?
- Marco!
All right, boys. We'll land
in Riverdale in half an hour.
Then on to the Riverdale
Rise and Shine show.
Afternoon in-store gig
at 8.00. Questions?
Yeah, Wyatt, how come
my limited-edition Coke can
has me with a goatee...
when everybody knows
I shaved into a soul patch for
the 'Don't Tell Your Papa' video?
This is wiggity-wack, Wyatt.
You're supposed to be
on top of this.
No, what's wiggity-wack
is your damn monkey.
Here we go with
the monkey again.
DJ D.J. with the monkey.
Yes, here we go again.
First it pooed on my incense.
Then it decided to poo
on my two little balls.
And then it pooed on my
picture of Swami Mukananda.
Will you please tell
this man that Dujour
means hygiene?
Maybe if you showed Dr. Zaius
the proper respect, Dr. Zaius
will stop showin' you the poo!
- Gentlemen...
- I'm gonna kill you!
Okay! Now, enough of this.
I'm gonna rip out
your heart!
Eye contact, hand.
Eye contact, hand.
We'll talk to Coke
about the cans...
and try and clean up
after the doctor, okay?
- Yo, man, I'm sorry.
My bad.
- It's all good.
Could you maybe talk to Marco
about him always doing my face?
You remember in the What video
I established the... face?
Eversince then, everytime
you see Marco, he's doing
the... face, and it's mine.
You look at him on TRL.
"Hi, Carson."
Look at him on
the Kid's Choice Awards.
"This is ours. Thanks."
Then right here on the cover
of Seventeen magazine.
"Hi, little girl.
Beauty secrets?"
It's my face.
It's my face.
Travis, am I, uh...
doin' your face,
'cause... God forbid
I'd... do your face, 'cause
it's... such a good face.
- That's it!
- Boys, boys, boys.
- Hold it!
- Dujour means friendship.
Thank you, Les.
Now, listen to me.
Let's all take a moment.
When we land, I will
call the choreographer, and
she will give you a new face.
- Too bad your mama couldn't
give you a good face.
- Take that back right now!
- I'm sorry, Travis.
- Thank you.
You can have a new face too.
- Dujour means family.
- Dujour means teamwork.
- So, how are we?
Are we good?
- Yeah.
- Are we happy?
- Happy.
- Are we dope?
- Word.
- Wicked.
- Yo, Wyatt, Wyatt, there was one more thing.
Well, we were working
on some remixes of
the last single, right?
We heard like a really
strange background track.
We were wondering whether
or not you knew what
it was all about.
Gee. You know,
I have no idea what that was.
Where did it come from?
- I mean, Wyatt,
we just want some answers.
- The answers, I will provide.
I'll be right back.
Take the Chevy to the levee.
Hey, that guy in the parachute
looks just like Wyatt.
Oh, yeah?
Does he look like this?
Or like this?
- That's it.
- Break it up!
- Dujour means seat belts!
Dujour means
crash positions!
Looks like we need
to find a new band.
Thank you.
- Thank you, guys.
- Real nice.
Thanks for comin' out.
You're a great crowd.
Okay, girls.
We need the lane now...
and your shoes.
- So how'd we do?
- Twenty dollars... minus
five dollars shoe rental.
Fifteen dollars.
Five dollars.
All things considered,
I'd say this was
our best show yet.
We just need to
build a following.
Look, skanky had a rock show,
and nobody came.
Did you guys all coordinate
before you left the house,
or are you wearing
the same thing by accident?
At least we're not
wearing stupid bunny ears.
They're not bunny.
They're leopard.
And they're not stupid.
They're special.
- We're special.
- Yeah, special... ed.
Enjoy the gutters, Josie.
You'll be playing there forever.
Hey. Hey, come on.
Who's a rock star?
Who's a rock star?
I am.
That's right.
There you go.
Lookin' good, McCoy!
Alan M, what's...
What's goin' on?
Uh, the, uh, truck died.
#Did I bust the carburetor#
#Overload the alternator#
Jump in anytime.
- #Abused the accelerator#
- Nice.
You can't drive this uphill
when it's hot outside.
I told you.
You don't deserve
a truck this good.
You totally take it for granted.
#Takin' my truck for granted#
#She says I'm taking
my truck for granted#
Um, Jose?
Did, uh...
Did you ever want to tell
someone something, but...
but you weren't sure
if you should, you know?
'Cause you didn't know what
their reaction might be or if
it was the right thing to do?
You should tell them.
You should always tell them.
'Cause there's this guy at work,
and he just reeks, you know?
A guy?
- Smelly guy.
- Oh, God, Josie, no, not just smelly.
I'm talking, like,
hot, wet garbage on a sunny day.
I think there's a problem.
It's like a stadium bathroom
or something.
No one seems to want
to say anything about it.
I know you would say
something though, right?
Yeah. See, that's
what I love about you.
- We can just talk about stuff.
- That's what I'm here for.
- That's so cool.
- Ah!
Mmm! Good ramen.
I don't think people know
how far one pack can go.
Honk, honk.
Who brought doughnuts?
I hope you don't think
that this makes up for
your missing our gig.
Sure we didn't miss much.
Nice management skills,
brother. Build yourself
a nice fat girl group.
Hello, Alexandra.
Have you lost some weight?
Bite me, Bambi!
Okay, Alexandra, why don't
you go wait in the car?
- Make me, nose job.
- Implants.
- Penile... Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That's the second time
today, isn 't it?
Ow! Ow.
So, ladies, how'd our set go?
You would know
if you had been there.
Hey, honey, I'm running
a management company here.
I can't be everywhere at once.
Wouldn't that be cool
though if you could?
I could be here and in there,
and I could be
in the living room...
and in the family room
and overhere!
Alexander, you don't
have any other clients.
Where else do you need to be?
On the streets, spreading
the gospel of the Pussycats.
I'm out there working
my butt off for you guys.
I'm handing out fliers.
I'm working the masses.
Waiting in line
for Dujour tickets.
It's for business.
l... It, uh...
Checking out the competition.
I don't like Dujour, like, it's Dujour.
And I could be
back in this room, and
I could go in the closet!
Hello? Uh-huh.
You want a demo tape of the Pussycats?
- Your phone didn't even ring.
- It's on vibrate.
- Um, so... so, yeah.
I gotta go right now.
- And then...
You want it right now?
Okay, yeah. So, I'll see you guys later.
All right, I'm on it.
You guys know he's lying.
You know your fly is open.
You know, you... suck!
That's perfect.
Even our manager wants
to see another band.
You guys, come here quick.
Hi. I'm Serena Altschul
with MTV News.
We have just received
a confirmed report...
that the members of
pop sensation Dujour disappeared
in their private jet today,
vanishing from radar
40 miles east of the town of Riverdale.
Authorities are still
trying to determine
the whereabouts of the plane...
and if there are any survivors.
Dujour's label, MegaRecords,
is yet to release a statement,
but they have
released a limited-edition
commemorative box set,
complete with a CD-ROM history
of Dujour in stores tomorrow.
Those poor boys.
We will keep you posted as to
any further developments...
in what seems to be yet
another rock-and-roll tragedy.
But they didn't
say they were dead.
They said they were missing.
I say we raise money
for a search party,
and we hold a bake sale!
Man, that is so sad.
It can all be over in a flash.
You know, but at least
they had a record deal.
We can have a record deal.
It's just that we can't sit around here
waiting for it to happen.
We have to make it happen.
And you know what?
Life... Life is short.
And we... we are musicians,
and that means...
that we should be
out there playing music.
We do play, and we rock,
but nobody shows.
- Nobody cares.
- I care. I do. And you know what?
When life gives you lemons,
you make lemonade, and
when the going gets tough...
The tough make lemonade!
Good. We're all on the same page.
Pack up your bass.
This way.
- I live for these pink shoes.
- Yeah, they are so much cooler than our red shoes.
You guys, pink is the new red.
Wyatt Frame.
I'm with the label.
I'm in town scouting new talent,
and I wondered if there was
anyone worth hearing.
I saw the card, man,
but I missed everything else.
Why don't you start over
while I change songs?
No, wait! Play this.
It's the new single from Dujour...
recorded just a few days ago
before the... disappearance.
I'd really like to test the reaction.
Right on.
Check this out, y'all!
I got the world premiere
ofthe last single ever...
from the late, great Dujour
just for all you in the store.
Check this out.
This is the best!
I love this song!
It's their best ever.
If I don't buy it,
everybody's gonna hate me.
And, I also want
orange shoes.
Orange shoes are
so much cooler than
these stupid pink shoes.
You guys, orange
is the new pink!
I am sick of my Reebok sweats.
I need some Puma sweats.
And I gotta buy
a six-pack ofZima.
Dude, you don't drink.
I think I should start.
Yes, I think they responded
to that very well actually.
I think that song sucks.
I plug my ears when
crap like that comes on.
Really? Everybody else
seemed to like it.
That's because they're mindless
drones who will gobble up
anything you tell them is cool.
I see. Wow!
You're a real free thinker, aren't you?
I'd love to talk to you some more.
People in the recording
industry, like me,
always want to hear
the opinion of individuals like yourself...
to find out what we're doing wrong.
Yeah, right.
How much time do you have?
As much as you want.
After you.
Smells like teen spirit.
Well, this must be my lucky day.
A real non-conformist.
I'm so interested to hear
what else you have to say.
Well, first of all,
I don't understand...
Gosh, that's fascinating.
- Frame.
- I'm waiting.
I'm on to it, Fiona.
You wouldn't believe this place.
It's a cultural wasteland.
Stop making excuses and get
your ass back here with a band.
Tomorrow. I'll have
a new band foryou first thing
in the morning. I swear!
Then you'll still
have a job... maybe.
Just put this thing up?
Okay, girls, this is it.
Pussycats unplugged.
Let's hear it.
One, two. One, two, three!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
What do you think
you're doing?
You can't play here.
I've got things to sell.
They're new. They're orange.
- So?
- So, look at you. You're...
Who's gonna come into
my store with you outside?
The last I checked,
this was a free country.
The last I checked,
I was calling the cops.
"Get your ass back here
with a band."
I'd like to see her
move her ass once, just once.
Like he's really
gonna call the cops.
This is impossible.
Where the hell
am I supposed to find a...
Hello, ladies.
Wyatt Frame, MegaRecords.
Girls, I can't tell you
how happy I am
to be sitting...
at this table
with the Pussy Hats.
Yes, of course. Of course,
that would explain why
you're not wearing any.
Okay, I speak on behalf
of everyone at the label...
when I say that we'd love for
you to sign with... MegaRecords.
Whoa, wait, whoa.
Don't sign anything.
Don't sign anything.
- Who is this?
- Alexander Cabot Ill.
I'm the Pussycats' manager.
Really? In that case,
you'll be entitled to 15%
of everything they make.
- I'm his sister, Alexandra.
Love the accent.
- Thank you.
I used to summer on the continent.
Fancy a snog?
Fancy a mint?
Wait a minute.
You want to sign us?
You've never even heard us play.
Oh! Oh, oh.
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I thought you were a rock band
that wanted to sign with
a major label. My bad.
- No, no, no!
- No!
No. No. It's...
I didn't know it could
happen this fast.
Well, that's the music biz
for you. If you wait for it to
slow down, it might pass you by.
Look what happened
to the Beastie Boys.
- But they're huge stars.
- I know.
Excuse me.
I have to...
- Bathroom?
- Yeah, me too.
I went before we left.
Good for you.
You should always
try to go to the bathroom
before you leave the house,
even if you don't have to...
Okay, this is crazy.
Beep-beep. Gotta gloss.
It wouldn't hide the mustache.
Honk, honk.
I should be here.
It's a ladies' room.
Nothing I haven't seen before.
Does anyone have change
for a tampon?
I'll be outside.
Does anyone else think
this is a little off?
Like what?
Like that Wyatt guy, for one.
Like how he ordered a triple
cappuccino and scooped off all the foam.
Why not just get an espresso?
Plus how he kept folding
his napkin like he's afraid he
doesn't have any real friends?
Just people who want
to use him because he's a big music guy.
Yeah. But I was talking
more about the whole record contract thing.
- It is super sudden.
- It is.
But you said it. You said
we have to go out there and
make things happen, and we did.
I know. I just think maybe
we should think about this for a second.
Gee, Josie,
how exciting for you.
You'll get to go away and
make a record, and poor Alan M
will have to stay behind...
in Riverdale
all alone with me.
I cannot believe they let you
bring me to the city with you.
I had to tell them that
you're my guitar tech, so...
Guitar tech. Right.
You know what?
I still don't understand why you're here.
- I'm here because I was in the comic book.
- What?
What's up, big butt?
Shut up.
Hey, you guys.
You know how people always
say that this is the life?
I think this is when they say it.
- Private plane.
- Record deal.
Loads ofcash.
Scratch that.
We still poor.
- Pardon? Hang on.
- #I want to know why you are... #
At least I don't think
I need this anymore.
Riverdale muni bus pass.
Guys, you know what?
We have the only bus-passes with
three people in the picture.
It's not my fault you both
jumped in on mine.
Okay, no, you both
jumped in on mine.
We should keep these.
Remind us where we came from.
Hey, listen, let's promise
each other something...
right here and right now, okay?
No matter what happens...
If we become huge stars...
or if we end up hitchhiking
back to Riverdale,
we will always
be friends first and a band second.
- Friends first.
- Friends first.
- I swear on my bus pass?
- I swear on my bus pass.
Don't worry, Lex.
We're not going to have
any trouble with these girls.
Oh, no.
Geez. It's so huge.
Oh, this is only the beginning.
Are you sure you should be
putting that up already?
I mean, we haven't even
recorded anything yet.
What if you don't like it?
What if nobody likes it?
Don't worry.
If you screw up, we'll just
put somebody else up there.
- Hey, Wyatt?
- Hmm?
They've got our name wrong.
We're not Josie and the Pussycats.
We're just the Pussycats.
Oh, no, Josie's the singer.
The public needs someone
out front to identify with.
Trust me.
Our studies have shown
that bands that have the word
"and" in the title...
sell twice as many records
as those that don't.
What about the Beatles
or the Rolling Stones?
Yes, if you want to split hairs,
yes, of course, obviously.
Yes, yes, but, come on.
Would you be more
interested in a band called
simply the Pussycats,
or are you more likely to
buy a CD or read a comic...
or watch a cartoon
or go and see a movie about
a trio of luscious ladies...
called Josie and the Pussycats?
It does have a nice ring to it.
Oh, yes.
Oh, so sorry, Valerie.
I had no idea you weren't in here.
Ha, ha. Come on.
More coasters.
What did I tell you, Fiona?
It couldn't be better.
Just think Christina Aguliera
times three except one of them
is incredibly tan...
or else T.L.C.
with two white chicks...
or, um, Hole!
Wyatt, I get it without
the stupid analogies.
Put them in the studio tomorrow.
We'll talk later.
The feds are here with some foreigners.
I've got to give them the tour.
- You won't be disappointed.
- I'd better not be.
We can't afford
another Dujour disaster.
I'm sure you're wondering
why Agent Kelly and
the United States government...
would be so interested in what
appears to be a record company.
Well, I'm about
to show you why.
This... is what our operation
really does.
Blue is the new orange.
This is where it starts...
the fads, the fashions,
the product placement.
From this command center,
we control the most influential
demographic of the population.
We decide everything...
from what clothes are in style
to what slang is in vogue.
Feather tank tops,
matching pants. Kind of
a Buffy meets Chicken Run.
Feathers are
the new rhinestones.
The new word for cool
will be "jerkin'," as in,
"Dude, that's jerkin'."
That's dirty.
This is the epicenter
of all trends.
We turn your world into
one giant TV commercial.
But how, you may ask, can
our operation be so effective?
Sure these kids have brains
like Play-Doh, just waiting
to be molded into shape,
but something else
must be going on, right?
The Chinese guy knows
what I'm talking about.
To answer some of your questions,
we've produced a short educational film.
Hello. I'm Eugene Levy,
and, yes, I'm an actor.
And, I said cappuccino.
I'm here to talk to you
about something very important.
No, it's not about me
or my career.
I'm here to talk about
subliminal messages
in rock-and-roll music...
or as it's simply known
in some cultures... rock music.
For years the government
has been wisely coercing teenagers...
to buy products they normally wouldn't want
just to get their money.
Fact: Kids don't have bills to pay.
Fact: They don't pay taxes,
but they do baby-sit
and hold minimum-wage jobs...
that earn them wads of cash as
thick as, well, my body of work.
But these kids today aren't dumb.
They're not going
to buy just anything.
That's why the government has
been planting small subliminal
advertising suggestions...
in today's rock music.
The results?
We can now get these kids
to buy just about anything.
We can have them chasing
a new trend every week,
and that is good
for the economy.
What's good for the economy
is good for the country.
So God bless the United States ofAmerica,
the most ass-kickin' country in the world.
How can you control the rock bands?
What if they find out
about the hidden messages
in their music?
Ever wonder why so many rock
stars die in plane crashes?
Overdose on drugs!
We've been doing this
a long time.
If they start to get too curious,
our options are endless.
Bankruptcy, shocking scandals,
religious conversions.
We've created a highly-rated TV show...
just to explain what happens to these people.
The walls are mushy.
We brought some equipment in.
I assume it's to yourliking.
They're brand new.
I like this.
It's got shiny knobs.
No. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
That we do not touch.
It's only the most expensive
piece of equipment
in the studio.
The Megasound 8000.
Although the name sounds
ominous, it's actually
just a high-tech processor.
How does it work?
Why do you need to know that?
What is it, a big secret or something?
A big secret.
Wyatt's got a secret.
It's not a secret. Stop it.
I'll tell you. I'll show you.
Play a little something for me, would you?
Perfect! Now, this will
just take a moment.
And now I'll play it back with megasound.
Is that us?
It sounds so...
- I want a Big Mac.
- What?
Mel, you're a vegetarian.
I know, but suddenly I want one. Maybe
on the way back to the hotel?
Okay, as long as we can
stop by Foot Locker too.
I'm dying for a pair
of old-school Tretorns.
Jerkin' Tretorns are the new Adidas.
Ladies, now should I drop you
back at Riverdale Mall, or re
you ready to make a record?
Come on!
One, two. One, two, three.
This is the best CD ever!
Yeah, and I want some Gatorade.
Gatorade is the new Snapple!
- This must be a misprint.
- Yea!
- Wait!
Does anyone else think
it's a little strange that
all this happened in a week?
Who are you?
We know them!
Eww! We do!
Oh, my God! We love you.
We're like your biggest fans!
- No, you're not. You hate us.
- Are you crazy?
Josie and the Pussycats
are our new favorite band of all time!
Josie and the Pussycats
are the new Dujour!
Wanna see our Pussycat tattoo?
Look it!
That was way too weird.
Weird? What's the point
of being famous...
if the people you hated in high school
don't want to kiss your ass?
You're lucky.
Most people have to wait
till their ten-year reunion
for that sort of revenge.
You're just going
to have to get used to people
throwing themselves at you.
And, talking of throwing,
Fiona, the head of MegaRecords,
is throwing a huge party
tonight in your honor,
a celebration of all things Josie.
- Um, Wyatt?
- Hmm?
- Don't I get one?
- Oh, that is strange.
Why don't you come along too?
There's always room
for one more.
How about us?
Wow. A party.
That's, um...
That's, uh...
That's kind of cool.
But is it as "kind of cool" as playing
your own stadium concert?
Oops! I promised Fiona
she could tell you. Damn.
We're playing a stadium concert?
This weekend.
Shouldn 't we maybe play
some small clubs first?
Maybe do a few gigs in Europe.
Build a following.
You have a following.
Honestly, "J."
I wouldn't send you out there
if I didn't think you could deliver.
It would only make me look bad
But this is the whole deal:
simultaneous pay-per-view
web cast, live streaming video,
millions of little people
paying good money just to watch you.
Well, I'm sure
your bandmates are tres excited.
Right, Melly-Mel?
Our first concert ever.
Thanks, Wyatt.
Don't thank me.
Thank Fiona.
It washer idea.
It's been part of her plan
for you from the start.
Operation Big Concert,
where we finally take things
to the next level.
When Josie and the Pussycats
play their stadium concert,
all the kids in the audience,
as well as the ones watching at home,
will have to purchase these.
It's the debut of 3-D-X surround sound,
a new technology that
makes the music feel like
it's happening all around ou,
like 3-D.
Gentlemen, a demonstration.
This is what those kids
think they're hearing on those headsets.
This is what they're really hearing.
Free willis overrated.
Jump on the bandwagon.
That voice.
I know that voice.
It's, um...
- It's Mr. Moviefone.
- Yes!
He does all our subliminal tracks.
There is no such place as Area 51.
Excellent work, Fiona.
These kids will never
know what hit 'em.
- And neither will you.
- I'm sorry. What was that?
- Huh? What?
- You just said something.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I said, "These kids will never
know what hit 'em," and then you
said, "And neither will you."
- I did?
- We all heard you.
Oh... Well...
What I meant to say was,
"And neither will you guys."
Meaning the teenagers.
I was just emphasizing my point.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Great. Thanks.
That was close.
Excuse me?
I was going to say,
"That was... close...
"to being
a... really nice moment...
between the two of us."
Don't you think?
Yeah, well, I guess.
I have to be getting back
to the Pentagon, so...
Toni Tennille and l...
we wrote all the songs together.
Captain just played the piano.
It was my idea to have him
wear that hat.
I said, "How you
gonna be a captain
if you don't wear a hat?"
We did make some beautiful music
together though.
A big song... The one I was
mostly responsible for was...
"Love Will Keep Us Together."
Well, guess what. It didn't.
Guess after a while, you know,
they didn 't want to share
the spotlight no more.
Sometimes that stuff happens.
I can still remember,
though, Captain always said,
"Friends first. The band second."
I wish I'd have got that in writin'.
Oh, no.
That's better.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I totally, totally forgot.
We have to go to
this record party thing
with the head ofthe label.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. It just, uh...
You look so, uh...
You cannot make fun of me.
They sent this dress over.
I did not pick it out.
But I cut up the front,
and I made wristbands.
It looks stupid, doesn't it?
No, no, no. No. l...
I've just...
I've never seen you... Wow!
Finish your sentences.
Is that a good wow or a bad wow?
Oh, no, no. It's, uh...
It's a good wow.
It's a... it's a...
it's a very good wow.
- Actually, would you mind?
There's a...
- Mind what?
There's a chain thing
that I can't figure out really.
Oh, right.
Right, um... Okay.
That's, um...
that's down here.
A little complicated.
Josie, are you ready?
The door was open. I hope
I'm not interrupting anything.
- Hey, Alec N,
how's it hanging?
- Actually, it's Alan M.
Yes, what's with the initial?
It didn't work for Sheila E.,
and it doesn't work for you.
Josie, we don't want to be late
for the hottest and most
exclusive party of the year.
There's free cable.
Uh, Josie?
Um, I was wondering,
d-d-did you want to
do something tomorrow?
- 2:00?
- No can do. Taping E.
- Oh. 1:30. 3:00.
- 4:00.
- 4:15.
- 4:15.
- Sold to the young man with no future.
Come on, Josie.
There's a limo waiting.
Goodnight, Adam 12.
- Trot on.
- Actually, it's Alan M.
Look at them staring at us.
No one thinks I should be here.
That's totally what they're thinking.
Look at them staring at Josie.
No one thinks I should be here.
That's totally what they're thinking.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the head of MegaRecords...
and the host of your party,
Isn't she fabulous?
I'm Fiona.
Welcome to your party!
Enough spectacle.
Let's go be girls!
This is my girly room.
No boys allowed.
Come on, girls. Sit down.
We'll gossip.
Isn 't he just the cutest?
He's pretty cute.
Come on!
Oh, I am starved!
I'm such a pig.
N-No. No, you're not.
So, Josie, how much do you weigh?
Excuse me?
Your weight!
Ha! 115.
I'm three pounds lighter than you.
But don't worry about it.
I think you look great.
Tho pretty and popular.
What did you just say?
Nothing. I thaid
the new thong's pretty popular.
What "thong"?
The new thong.
The new thingle.
I'm thorry.
I have thomething caught in my teeth.
Got it.
So, who wants to French braid?
Okay, so who else thinks
that Fiona's a freak?
Oh, my God. I'm so glad
you said something, because
as soon as you said her name,
I got the most awful sensation,
like this ice-cold chill
creeping up my spine.
Oh, sweetie, that's 'cause
you're sitting on the O.
No. I still got
the shivers, you guys.
It's not the O.
It's her.
I don't know.
What do you think, Val?
Stuff's definitely been... different
since we left Riverdale.
And, if you ask me,
some things feel like
they've changed completely.
- Wyatt.
- Hmm?
I don't like those two
pussycats. They're asking
questions, and that's dangerous.
We can't afford to take
any more risks.
I'll get rid of them,
have a new band by the morning.
Think, Wyatt.
We've already sold
half a million of the Josie ears
for a big concert.
Right. Yes. So we have.
So what are you suggesting?
Keep Josie, and put those two
nosy little pussycats to sleep.
I don't think Josie will
play without her friends.
Oh? I think
we might persuade her.
Next, on Behind the Music,
Josie suffers a tragic loss.
The city aquarium holds more
than 244 varieties ofsea life.
Josie, did I tell you I got a gig tonight?
- You did?
That's great!
- Yeah, well,
it'sjust this bar,
but the manager...
I played him my demo,
and he said
I could have, like, almost
a full half-hour tonight.
Do you think maybe you want to come, or...
'Cause I know you're busy and everything.
Oh, my God.
Is that Josie?
Where? Josie!
Yeah, no problem.
How am I gonna pull this off?
I'm a girl from Riverdale,
you know? I'm...
I'm not a rock star.
Jose, you've been
dreaming about this your whole life.
I know, it's just...
I'm scared.
Don't be. You gotta
believe in yourself.
What if I can't?
then I guess I'll just have to
believe in you for you.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow!
So, what do you think
we should open with
for the concert...
'Spin Around', or maybe 'Come On'?
Uh, I don't know.
We could try Roll On, Rolly Wheel,
but, honestly, I think
the lyrics still need work.
What do you think?
It's your call.
I mean, you're the boss.
No, I'm not.
Val, what's with you?
Hello, girls! And how are
the most beautiful and talented
women in rock-and-roll?
Don't you mean "woman"?
Valerie, my darling,
you're going to have to learn
to take a compliment.
I mean, what are you going to do
tonight when you go on TRL...
and Carson Daly tells you
how much he loves your music?
Don't you mean, what's Josie gonna do?
No, because she won't be there.
We just booked you and Melody.
It's time for the world
to get to know the other Pussycats.
We're gonna be on TRL?
Do I get to touch Carson?
Anywhere you like.
The taping's in two hours,
unless, ofcourse,
you have a problem with this.
Do you have a problem with this?
No! I think you guys will
have a great time.
I love that show.
And... and you don't mind
if Mel and I go without you?
Why? I don't care about that stuff.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I don't know what I was thinking.
Come on, girls. There are
stylists and designers waiting in your room.
And you have homework tonight.
This is the remix of your next single.
- I'd be very curious
to hear your thoughts.
- Could it wait until tomorrow?
It's just that Alan M is
playing his first gig tonight,
and I wanna get there early.
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Josie.
I forgot to tell you.
Alan M called my office.
They canceled his show.
- They did?
- Yes.
Why didn't he call me here?
Um, I'm sure he did.
In fact,
I'm sure if you go down
to the front desk, there'll be
a message waiting foryou.
Excuse me.
Yes, there's a message
waiting for you... now.
I guess I should call him.
Um... he also said to say
that he won't be available
for several hours,
and he'll call you when he can.
- All that was on the message?
- Uh, yes. Excuse me.
Yes, that's all in the message.
Anything else?
Who do you keep calling?
I'm running a label here, Josephine.
I have other artists
who need me, other artists who need my time,
other artists who aren't
so difficult about putting in
a little bit ofextra work.
Your level of non-commitment
is making me doubt
your commitment commitment.
So, you wanna be
a rock superstar, eh...
Live large, big house,
five cars?
Well, you have to do the time.
Otherwise, somebody else will,
and you'll be left
to explain it all to Mel and Val.
I am committed.
I am.
Yes, I hope so,
my darling.
I hope so.
- Val, we're on TRL!
- Hey, check out the view!
It's fake.
Wow. This stuff looks
so different on TV.
All this stuff is fake.
Where is everybody?
Where's Carson?
Yo, kittycats!
How you ladies doin'?
I'm Carson Daly. Welcome.
You're not Carson Daly.
What are you talkin' about?
Of course I'm Carson Daly.
Check the nails.
You need to call me.
I got plans.
All right.
Is everybody ready to start the show?
- Oh, my God, it's Carson!
- Oh, my God, it's Melody!
Yo, man, you gotta
stop tryin' to be me
with the nails thing.
- What you sayin', man?
A brother can't be Carson Daly?
- No, that's not what I'm sayin'.
It's just that
I actually am Carson Daly,
so it doesn't work right now.
Who's gonna break my "gazoons,"
man? I'm Carson Daly.
That's pretty good, man.
Who else do you do?
I do Mike Tyson.
I would take a bite outta you.
Okay, what is going on?
Are you... Is this TRL or not?
This is not
Total Request Live.
It's more like
Total Request Dead.
Yeah, you see, ladies, we've
only got one request today.
And that's to kill you.
Carson said he's
gonna to kill us.
Like that's a request.
- All right, man,
I got the blond.
- He's not kidding.
Um, this, uh...
this next song is
dedicated to, uh...
a friend of mine.
I kinda wanted to wait
till she showed up to play it,
but I guess she...
Um, the name of this song is,
uh, 'Wish You Felt the Same'.
Shut up or hold it
till you get home!
Who do you want to kill you,
huh? Eddie Murphy?
Eddie told me,
"I want them Josie girls dead,
all right? You get them
a nurse. I want them dead!"
I can't believe you're a killer!
- You seem so nice on TV!
- Really?
You know, I always thought
you were kinda hot.
Too bad!
- I always thought
you were kinda hot too.
- You did?
- What's your sign?
- Scorpio.
I'm a Cancer.
Da pussycats.
Da pussycats.
I gotta kill ya. Good lawd!
- What was that?
- It was Chris Rock.
That was a terrible Chris Rock.
Why do you even bother
doing impressions?
You're not funny.
You know who's funny?
Bill Cosby.
And he's going
to kill you...
after sticking a spoon
in your pudding.
No way!
My favorite movie is
Lady and the Tramp.
When the dogs are
eating spaghetti and
they share the same piece?
And their noses touch!
You know, if I wasn't
a key player in this whole...
conspiracy to brainwash
the youth of America
with pop music,
like, we could totally date.
- You think?
- Oh, yeah.
You know, it would be
so cool, like...
Yeah, right.
Like I'd ever go out
with a guy like you.
Now, you,
on the other hand...
Come on.
Let's get outta here
and find Josie.
Josie? Josie, quick,
open the door!
Jo... Josie?
- Josie, we have to talk to you.
- How did they let
the two of you in here?
I specifically told
the front desk "no visitors."
- Are you okay?
- Of course I'm okay.
Why wouldn't I be?
I have the number-one single
in the country.
You two, on the other hand...
should maybe be a little worried.
Josie, Carson Daly tried
to kill us, and I think it has
something to do with our music.
Why do you call it...
"our" music?
Are you even listening?
I am listening
very carefully,
and do you know
what I'm hearing?
I'm hearing someone
glomming on to my talent...
and my credit.
"Our" music, Mel?
I basically write all of it.
Josie, no, you don't.
We write it together.
Oh, okay.
So if we're all doing
equal amounts ofwork,
why isn't the band called
Valerie and the Pussycats?
I knew it.
You've been thinking this
the whole time.
I'm just... I'm just
backup to you, huh?
Oh, but you're
a good, solid backup.
Oh, hey, Val,
who's a rock star?
Who's a rockstar?
I am!
Josie, don't do this.
We need to
stick together now.
Oh, my God.
Melody's gonna cry.
What's the matter,
snuggle bunny...
finally realizing
the world isn't all
sunshine and rainbows?
Stop it.
Not everyone gets
a happy ending, muffin.
Stop it.
And you wanna know what else?
Puppies turn into dogs...
who get old and die.
Someday you'll thank me.
Of course, by then
I won't be taking your calls.
You are the star! Val and
Melody are mean, evil girls!
You should have a solo career!
You have the number-one single
in the country!
They're trying to glom on to
your talent and your credit!
If they're doing
equal amounts ofwork,
why isn't the band called
Valerie and the Pussycats?
They're just dead weight,
You could be huge without them.
You are the star.
Madonna huge.
Val and Melody are mean, evil girls.
Melody thinks you can't sing.
Seriously. She told me.
Dump them. The are trying
to destroy you, Josie.
You'll be better off
without them.
Who's a rock star?
You are!
A great big rock star!
Go, Josie, go! Go!
- Val!
- Oh, the return of the superstar!
What's going on?
And where are Mel and Val?
Since when you do you care?
Oh, and we heard what you said,
Bitchy McBitch.
- Wish I'd said it.
- They're gone, Josie.
They're gone,
and I hope you're happy.
No more band.
Just like the Beatles.
Just like the Jackson Five.
Just like a Flock of Seagulls.
- These are so good.
You want one of these?
- Okay, look,
I never thought
I would say this toyou,
ever, but, please...
would you help?
Wyatt gave me this CD
of our song,
and it was like
as soon as I heard it...
I don't know.
What... it sucked?
There's something on here,
I swear.
Okay, okay, okay.
You should have a solo career!
You could have your own
prime-time TV series!
We could call it Josie,
and run it right after
Will and Grace!
Oh, my God! That's
Mr. Moviefone! How did you
get him to put that on there?
You slept with him!
What are you talking about?
This is on our CD
It's underneath the music.
Wyatt put them on there...
to brainwash me.
Ooh, brainwashing!
Ooh, help!
We're being brainwashed!
Diet Coke's
the new Pepsi One.
"MS." Main... main system.
Music sequence?
Oh, God.
Maybe you broke it.
Whoa, I didn't touch it.
Josie and the Pussycats are
the best band ever!
Theyare totally jerkin '!
You must buy their CD
You have to see them in concert.
You also have to buy
Steve Madden shoes.
Heath Ledger is the new Matt Damon.
You're nobody without
an Abercrombie & Fitch vintage tee.
They're selling stuff
through our music.
Josie and the Pussycats are
the best band ever!
They're selling US through our music!
I knew there was a reason
you were so popular.
I want a vintage tee...
and Heath Ledger.
Oh, my God.
It's all my fault...
people dressing alike,
buying the same stuff.
I sold it to them.
I'm a trend pimp.
Well, it stops here!
I'm nobody's pimp,
and I'm not going to let Wyatt
and Fiona get away with this.
We're going to the police,
and we're taking this with us.
Are you guys gonna
help me or what?
Oh, I'll help.
Yeah, right.
'Cause you know I'm just gonna
let you walk right outta here
and spoil everything.
All right, now the event
I know everybody's been
waiting for is finally here.
One night only,
the worldwide live debut concert
of Josie and the Pussycats.
And, oh, very cool,
it's gonna be live
at the "Megarena"...
with a simultaneous
global web cast.
You can log on to mtv. com
for more details.
And remember:
You will not hear a thing
without your Josie
3-D-X headphones,
so I urge you all
to pick some up...
I know I bought two.
Oh, look at the pouty girl.
Well, you better
snap out of it, red, 'cause
you've got a show to put on!
Are you kidding?
I'm not gonna play, help you
send messages to those kids.
- Forget it. I'm done.
- Oh, look who's got all
principled all ofa sudden.
You didn't seem to mind when
your song went to number one!
You should kiss
my cellulite-free ass
for all I've done foryou.
I made you a rock star.
Tell me you don't love that.
I said forget it, all right?
Now, find yourself another girl.
Yeah, see, I would,
but everybody's already here!
- Josie! Josie!
- Too bad.
- Wyatt.
- Josie!
- Val, Mel!
- Don't talk to her.
You're wasting your time.
Miss Diva over here doesn't care
if you do something to us.
No, that's not true.
You guys, just listen to me.
I didn't mean
any of that stuff
that I said before.
Fiona and Wyatt have put
subliminal message tracks
underneath our music...
Can it, rusty.
Your story's boring.
Wyatt, why don't you show these
two lovely ladies what we have
for them this evening?
Gladly, my darling.
- A car!
Val, I won a car!
- No, you didn't win a car.
- Oh, my God, you won a car!
- No one won a car!
The car... is about to be
a part of history...
if you decide
not to play tonight.
Hi, I'm Serena Altschul
with MTV breaking news.
Josie and the Pussycats'
debut concert was
unexpectedly canceled...
when an automobile exploded
in the stadium parking lot.
The passengers were
identified as Valerie Brown
and Melody Valentine,
two of the founding members
of the popular rock band.
Investigators on the scene were
quoted a ssaying the two died
a slow, fiery death...
inside the four-wheeled
hell pit.
We're told that Josie will
be releasing a statement...
to the press within the hour
to comment on this tragedy.
Yes, Josie,
what are your comments?
We're all gagging to know.
Roast your friends,
or play the show?
Play your show?
Roast the friends?
What's it to be?
All right!
I'll play.
See, Val?
She still likes us!
Mel, of course I do.
You guys are my best friends
on the planet.
Look, I know that friends
don't treat each other
the way I treated you guys.
But you've got to believe me.
If I could just go back in time,
I would take it all back.
That would be cool.
If I could go back in time,
I'd wanna meet Snoopy.
Mel, I love that about you!
I love that you think
that everything is possible...
and that this world is
such a great place,
because you know what?
It is.
And I'm so sorry if,
for one second, I made you
think that it wasn't.
And Val... Val,
you bought me my first guitar.
And, you know, we may have
started this band together,
but the only reason we've
come this far is because ofyou.
Now, look.
I don't care if we're
Josie and the Pussycats,
or Valerie and the Pussycats
or whoever and the Pussycats.
It doesn't matter
as long as we're together.
You're my sister, Val.
Ilove you.
I love you too, Jose.
- And I love you, Val.
And I love you, Josie.
- And I love you, Mel.
And l...
I scream, you scream,
we all scream for ice cream.
Everyone loves everyone.
Now, let's get
this show started!
We want the show!
We want the show!
So, what is it
this time, Fiona...
pizza bagels, lip gloss?
Oh, it's bigger...
much, much bigger.
You're gonna have a pretty hard
time selling secret messages
once your secret's out.
Oh, and tell me, cookie...
who will believe you?
Who will get behind
the ridiculous ramblings
of one silly, powerless girl?
We will.
Who the hell are you?
Someone you thought
you'd gotten rid of.
- Oh, my God,
it's Les from Dujour!
- Les?
I tried to warn you...
the message on your mirror.
That was you?
Dujour was in my bathroom!
I love you, Les!
- But I thought you guys were
killed in a plane crash.
- That's what I thought. Wyatt?
Oh, well, we managed
to land the plane just fine.
it was in the parking lot
ofa Metallica show.
Well, the fans beat
the crap out of us.
Well, you don't look
too bad.
And I thank God every day
I knew the words to 'Enter Sandman'.
Word, Doc. She's not
gonna get away with it...
not this time.
Let's get 'em, boys,
Oh, now, come on!
Boy, you almost got me.
girls all over the world
would kill to be in your shoes,
and here you stand,
running away from it.
So you could go crawling back
to "Shitdale" and spend
the rest of your life...
being washed up
with your loser friends,
dopey and mopey there?
- That's it.
Just stop right there, missy.
Wyatt, you messed
with the wrong pussy.
- You want some?
Come on. Bring it!
- No, no!
No, baby, no! Let go!
Let go! Let go!
What are you gonna do...
kill me with the guitar?
Who's gonna go up there
and sing? You need me, remember?
Need you?
Doll, I created you,
and, believe me,
I can destroy you.
- I'm sorry.
Did you need that?
- Wyatt! Fix it!
You... what's yourjob?
Fix this!
Oh, it's too late!
They're already taking off the ears!
Fiona is the most jerkin' girl
in the world!
Everybody loves Fiona!
She's got the best hair
and the most awesome clothes!
And she's so thin!
I know I want to be just like Fiona!
That's the secret message
that you wanted to send out...
that you're cool?
- That's not me, I swear.
- You're not doing it right!
Hey, that's my job!
If I wath a guy,
I'd athk her out.
- If I wath a girl, I'd want to
be her be tht friend forever.
- What's wrong with your voice?
We'd have thlumber parties and
thtay up braiding each otherth
hair and have tickle fights!
Oh, thure.
Go ahead and laugh.
You don't know what it'th like
to be teathed and ridiculed
your whole life.
The thells thilver thwans
down by the theathore.
Theven thilver...
The thwims...
I tried, didn't I?
All I ever wanted wath
to be popular.
- Tell me, ith that tho bad?
- Lisa?
- What did you call me?
- Lisa Snyder?
"Lithping Litha"?
That-That-That wath
my nickname in thchool.
Huntington High School.
Lisa, it's me... Wally.
"White-ass Wally."
White-ath Wally?
The albino kid?
That'th impothible.
- Firtht ofall,
he wathn't Britith.
- I'm not.
I just started talking
like that because...
I thought it would
make me more attractive.
- He wath tho pale.
- Makeup.
l-l-I learned to thpeak
without a lithp.
I can't believe it'th you.
I thn't it the thtrangetht
Oh, I've been holding that in
for the past 15 years.
This is so romantic.
Yeah, in a... creepy,
ironic sort ofway.
So, what's the moral
of the story here...
freaks should date other freaks?
No, I think the moral
of the story here is you should
be happy with who you are.
This whole time we've been
spending money on expensive
clothes to impress people.
Never made me happy.
No! Happ... Oh, my gosh.
Happiness is on the inside.
I'm not this.
I'm not what I wear.
I'm not what I wear!
You should think about this.
Oh, please.
Unlike you bunch of wackjobs,
I am perfect just as I am.
Holy shit!
That girl's got a skunk
on her head!
Oh, geez.
That's just your hair.
Sorry, but that's messed up.
- Who are you?
- I'm Agent Kelly.
I'm with the government.
Oh, thank God!
Did you know...
that Fiona and Wyatt are using
that machine to send subliminal
messages through our music?
They're trying to create
an army of mindless teenagers,
to make them buy things and
even control their thoughts.
They what?
Oh, come on.
You knew about thith
from the very beginning.
- Gentlemen, arrest
that woman and that man...
- What?
on charges of conspiracy
against the youth of America.
- You can't be theriouth.
- Oh, I'm serious, ma'am.
This is a very serious offense.
Sorry, but they're on to us.
Somebody's got to take the fall.
You bathtard!
Besides, after the concert,
we were gonna shut down
your operation anyway.
We found
that subliminal messages
work much better in movies.
All right, let's go.
Well, now that you girls are
done saving the world,
I think you have
a concert to play.
Give it up for
Josie and the Pussycats!
Josie! Josie!
Josie! Josie!
I'm gonna take these off.
I know you all came out here
tonight because you heard
something you liked on our CD
We're gonna play something
different for you tonight...
something you haven't heard.
It's cool if you like it.
It's all right if you don't.
decide for yourselves.
This is for someone
who said he believed in me.
Kinda wish he was here now.
Josie! Josie!
- Alan M!
- Josie!
- What are you doing here?
- I have to tell you that...
even though you don't feel
the same way about me...
as I do about you,
and even though
you didn't come to my gig...
What do you mean?
Wyatt told me it was canceled!
That dick!
What did you mean about
the l-don't-feel-the-same-way-
That's what I came here to tell you!
Josie McCoy, l...
I love you!
I love you too!
I always have!
I love you.
Contain the excitement.
Why'd you have to hit me, man?
It was just never gonna stop.
Can you see me and
my nose on the microphone?
From this command center
we control everything...
except what I'm gonna say next.
I can't even believe
that they let me bring...
You slept with him!
You better get his mama
to get him a new face.
You know my mom's dead.
That's just...
Next up on weather...
What is wrong with you?
Goodness, won't somebody
please save us?
Hey, those are my bunny ears!
This is what our operation...
I just spat right in the camera.
Yeah, right. 'Cause you know
I'm just gonna...
Jerkin '!