Judy & Punch (2019) Movie Script
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Aah!
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
(CROW CAWS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SHEEP BLEAT)
(MAN SPEAKS IN THE DISTANCE)
(PANTING)
MAN: ..His fist shall
thunder down upon those
who have strayed from the path.
Those of you who kneel
at the foot of the Devil.
(CONTINUES PREACHING
IN THE DISTANCE)
(RAT SQUEAKS, CHICKENS CLUCK)
(MEN GRUNT)
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, little fella,
you look almost man enough
to come in for a nurture.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(HUBBUB)
- (BOTH ARGUE)
- Fuckin' hell!
No guinea too big. No...
Thank you kindly, sir.
No penny too small.
Come, now. Thank you, sir.
Come, now, don't be cheap.
Come, now, coin in the tin.
Come, now.
Thank you kindly, sir.
Thank you, sir.
No penny too small.
(CONTINUES SPRUIKING)
- Here, darling.
- Thank you, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the show is about to begin.
Sit down!
The show is about to begin.
(DRUM ROLL)
- (BANG!)
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Come now, come now,
you cheap little asses.
Coin in the tin
afore payin' time passes.
Don't slag us off,
don't turn your head.
- For friends we are, not foe!
- (LAUGHTER)
But if you dirty little fuckers
don't cough up your bread,
we won't be showing you a show!
You've heard the talk
from far and wide
of Punch's puppet play.
"Best in the world",
"The greatest show",
is what the critics say.
The congregations of St Paul's
grow thinner every day.
They're coming to
the show of shows,
not kneeling down to pray.
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)
Professor Punch is back at last!
Town's most truthful preacher.
So sit your arse down,
don't fuck around,
and enjoy the theatre feature!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We love you, Punch!
BACH: TOCCATA
AND FUGUE IN D MINOR
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC VERSION OF BACH'S
TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
-Knock 'em out! Knock 'em out!
OK, move across, move across.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(SHOUTS)
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
That's the way to do it!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,
the greatest puppeteer
of our time -
Professor Punch!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You all best be spreading
the word
that the Punch show is back.
One show a week,
catch it while you can.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Tell friends, foes
and neighbours alike.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)
PUNCH: Thank you,
thank you so much.
Surely you spilled some?
I'm afraid not, honey.
A more niggardly town than
Seaside'd be hard to find.
But what was lacking
from their pockets
they made up for in applause.
You think it went well, then?
You think they liked us?
Liked us? They loved us!
- (LAUGHS)
- We killed it, honey. We did.
Yes! We smashed it to bits
and pieces, didn't we?
We slaughtered them!
(LAUGHS)
A main stage awaits us,
my love.
I can hear the applause already,
Jude.
I close my eyes for a moment
and I can hear it.
The greatest puppeteer
of his generation.
(CANNED CHEERING)
So?
Scouts? Any scouts?
I saw none.
We'll just make sure
each show is a smasher.
- Yeah.
- They'll be in soon enough.
Yes, yes. Soon enough.
Soon enough.
Now is our time, Jude.
The big theatres
are opening again.
Our show is the best.
It won't be long
before we're whisked away
to brighter things
with fanfare unimaginable.
I promise you that.
I was just wondering, honey,
the show seems to be getting
punchier all the time.
Very punchy, in fact.
Do you think it needs to be
quite so smashy?
Well, that's
what the people like.
They like punchy,
and they like smashy.
You've heard them, Jude.
That's what they want, my love.
I'm an artist. (CHUCKLES)
It is not for me
to question my gift,
I can only surrender to it.
If my gut tells me to be punchy
and smashy,
I guess we're doing the punchy
and smashy.
Come here and give Punch
some love.
What?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Come on.
There's another promise
I'd sooner have you keep.
My sweet and talented wife!
So blessed I am to have ya.
JUDY: Sweet and talented indeed.
- (CANNED CHEERING)
- (SCOFFS)
PUNCH: (LAUGHS) Wahoo!
There you go! Look at you.
PUNCH: Look at you.
One more time.
One more time. Let's go higher.
- Whoo! (LAUGHS)
- (BABY CRIES)
- (SINGS) Happy stoning day.
- (CRIES)
You've gone and turned
her stomach upside down.
That thing does nothing
but bellow.
It's you who does nothing
but bellow,
and as a grown man,
it's harder to fathom.
And before I knew it,
I was falling...
ooh, right down,
past the clouds,
past the branches.
I thought for certain I was
about to meet my end.
But as the ground came up
to meet me,
it wasn't the hard clay,
but a giant pillow
of autumn leaves
that broke my fall.
(CHUCKLES)
I sank into it.
And when I awoke,
I was near suffocated
in my own pillow.
- (LAUGHS)
- (BELL RINGS)
PUNCH: Maid!
Sounds like the devil's awake
and wants his sausages.
Now, you stay put
like I told you,
and when I'm done with the day,
we can stroll.
Am I fit for a visitor
should one arrive unannounced?
More handsome now
than the day I met you.
(BELL RINGS)
- (BELL RINGS)
- Maid!
- Maid!
- Morning, Master Punch.
Won't be too long,
just got to get
this pan sizzling.
Sausages?
Would I risk a hiding
serving you anything but?
Any more sausages and
you'll likely turn into one.
Morning, Judy.
How was the show, then?
It went well.
- The crowd was...
- Slaughtered them!
Smashed it to bits and pieces!
(SNIFFS)
We'll be done with these
worn-out loitersacks in no time.
The big smoke awaits us.
MAID: I quite got used to you
being back.
PUNCH: Well, get unused to it.
I have to change the baby
before we go.
Make sure you get a better one.
BOTH: I never liked that one
anyhow.
Your jokes are getting hoary,
honey.
You might want to dream up
some new ones.
MAN: Happy stoning day.
Rock, madam?
Rock, sir?
First in, best rock.
I'll catch up.
No need to rush. But it helps.
(CHUCKLES)
Happy stoning day.
(GASPS) Mr Punch!
Oh, Mr Frankly!
Oh, so very glad you made it,
Punch.
We were hoping perhaps
you'll do us the honour
of casting the first stone?
Oh, why, thank you.
I hear you've netted
some good ones.
Oh, yes, we've been
saving them up for today.
That Goodbuckle woman, I always
had a feeling about that one.
I'll be happy to cast the first.
Excellent.
Glad to hear, Punch.
Glad to hear it!
It seems some folk are getting
squeamish around here.
"Stop stoning women!",
all that nonsense.
The good old values
are slipping.
'Tis left to men of strong will
such as you and I
to bring these acts of heresy
to an end.
- Do you agree?
- I do.
Very good. Well, I'll see you
after at McDrinky's
for a celebratory ale.
Actually, I...
I've promised the old missus
to lay low-ish on the booze
on account of my hot liver.
Oh.
Oh, hello. (CHUCKLES)
Right you are. Well...
Happy stoning day!
(COW LOWS)
PREACHER: We seek out the vile
and the unholy
and the wanton
and we will destroy
the evil demons
and lovers of Satan.
(CHEERING)
- And when they...
- (HORN BLOWS)
Thank you.
Good people of Seaside,
today I present to you
three fresh, filthy examples
of the wave of evil that is
sweeping across our fine land.
(CROWD MURMURS ANGRILY)
All have confessed
to their crimes
and shall die
on account of them.
CROWD: Yeah!
Harriet Slibber, whose chickens
all died on the same night
due to obvious sorcery.
- CROWD: Shame!
- Glenda Putts,
who tried to conceal a rash
upon her back
which was patently
some kind of Devil marking.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- MAN: Devil's whore!
And Esther Goodbuckle,
whose husband,
Rodney Goodbuckle,
found her staring at the moon
for a suspiciously
very long time.
MAN: It's terrible!
Yes, it is, Rodney!
It's terrible!
And though we have
three whole witches
standing before you today,
we must remain vigilant.
We must continue
to hunt them down
until we have expunged
each and every one!
- (CROWD ROARS APPROVAL)
- Those that lurk among us
and those that have fled
to haunt us
from the black forest yonder.
(EERIE ANIMAL CALLS)
(SILENCE)
Anyway...
..to the stoning!
- (CHEERING)
- (HORN BLOWS)
Good dying!
ALL: Good dying!
Mr Punch.
Good one.
- (CROWD ROARS)
- (WOMEN SCREAM)
(WOMEN WAIL)
(CROWD CHEERS)
Happy stoning day!
(UPBEAT FOLK TUNE)
(CROWD YELLS AND CHEERS)
That's a mighty strong
stone-hurling arm you've got.
Thank you for noticing, Poll.
Such a robust appendage
must prove very useful.
Very useful indeed.
I take it you're well?
I'm very well,
thank you for asking.
And, Pancake, Flea,
I trust you're both well?
Fine show last night.
We three enjoyed it aplenty.
So few cultured men
like yourself in Seaside.
I'm glad you liked it.
And it's a very lucky town
for having one as pretty as you
residing in it.
Haven't seen you around
McDrinky's in a while.
We were just on our way.
Why don't you join us
for a nip or two?
I would love to, Poll,
but I'm trying to keep
on the straight and sober
while the show's on the up.
Hoping to get scouted
by the bigwigs.
McDrinky's, with all its...
..offerings,
as you know,
is my major weak spot.
Well, you know where to find us,
should you change your mind.
Come on!
JUDY: Now, watch very closely.
This bag is empty, yes?
- CHILDREN: Yes.
- Coin in the bag.
CHILD: Here.
(CHILD SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
CHILDREN: Wow!
- CHILDREN: Oh!
- CHILD: That's good.
(CHILDREN LAUGH AND GASP)
(CHILDREN EXCLAIM)
CHILD: Please.
JUDY: Gently.
CHILD: Oh, wow!
CHILD: Ready?
- (CRACK!)
- (CHILDREN SCREAM)
CHILD: Oh!
Alright, run along now.
That's enough.
- (CHILDREN WHINGE)
- Show's over.
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
Oh, good day, Judy.
JUDY: Constable.
Wonderful show last night.
Wonderful. You really have
your way with the puppets.
A way! You really have a way
with the puppets.
(BABY COOS)
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Just one word, Judy.
You might wish to keep
those magic tricks
a little on the lowdown.
So convincing they are
they'll be taken for sorcery
and the last thing
I would like to see
is a woman such as yourself
before the stoners.
Of course my personal opinion
is that you're wonderful.
It's wonderful.
The tricks, I mean,
the magic is wonderful.
But it seems some folk
in Seaside are...
..prone to superstition.
More and more by the day,
it would appear.
Well, thank you for the warning,
Derrick.
I should continue my patrol.
All the breast.
All the...very breast.
(CHUCKLES)
Have you seen Punch?
Thank you.
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(WILD CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
MAN: One more, one more,
one more.
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
- (WOMAN LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
MAN: That's the way!
That's the way!
(WILD CHEERING)
JUDY: You'll grow strong
and able
with a sturdy constitution
just like your papa.
But all the best bits you'll
inherit from your mama.
Those will be the bits
that count the most.
The very bits that made your
papa love her at the start.
- (SIGHS)
- (BABY GURGLES)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(MUTED CHEERING)
(GIGGLES)
(MAN MURMURS)
(MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
- This way.
- (MURMURS)
This way.
Watch your step.
(SNORING)
How's the world looking
outside that there window
this morning, my love?
It seems the weather has turned
and storm clouds are gathering.
Where's that thumb-twiddling
maid of ours?
She should mind
I don't give her a whacking.
Maid!
- (BANGS) Maid!
- That's enough!
I'll not go down this road
again, Punch.
If your true want
is to resurrect our show,
you have to stay
on the straight and sober.
Can you do that?
Punch?
Can you do that?
It's one small slip, my love.
I got excited.
From now on,
only good decisions.
That's a Punch promise.
You've made your share
of promises already.
Promises aren't the hard part.
It's the keeping of them
you seem to find so difficult!
PUNCH: Well...
I will try to keep...
..the promises...
..I've already promised.
That's a Punch oath.
That's even...
..even better than a promise.
'Cause, you know, it's an oath.
It's even better.
(DOG BARKS)
(BARKS)
PUNCH: Want some?
(DOG BARKS)
PUNCH: Yeah? You want, yeah?
Now, go on, have a little. No.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG YELPS AND PANTS)
JUDY: I'm to go clean
the theatre.
Maude is off to the market.
We'll be no more than an hour.
There are more sausages
for your lunch.
You'll have to skin those
rabbits, I can't stomach it.
And help Scaramouche stack that
wood, like you promised me. Yes?
PUNCH: Mm-hm.
And, Punch...
..no boozing with the baby.
(SIGHS) You better stack the
wood and don't lose the baby,
and blah, blah, blah, blah.
What good is a servant
if he's too old to serve?
- (BABY CRIES)
- Hey.
Hey, what's the matter?
- Whee!
- (BABY CRIES)
Whee!
- Look at that! Whee!
- (BABY CRIES)
There you go.
(DOG BARKS)
Look! Look at the little doggy.
What's the matter, Toby?
Doesn't the old man feed you
proper? Is that the story?
- (DOG BARKS)
- Where is old Scaramouche?
Whistling away
in the servants' quarters,
no use to anybody?
Hey!
Get back here!
Stay there.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Your damn rat dog
ate my breakfast!
Took it clean off my plate!
He can be a snappy little pup,
that one.
But no harm done.
(STUTTERS) He really is
a good little boy, is Toby.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Can I offer you a drink,
Master Punch?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
And they named the town Seaside
because they believed
that one day
the sea would lap
right at our doorsteps.
Right at the bottom of the hill
there.
What gave them that idea,
I don't know,
seeing as how the sea is a good
three-day mule ride from here.
Oh, and they all built fishing
boats in anticipation too.
You're not making any sense
at all, old man.
I'm telling you,
I can't understand
a single word you're saying.
I don't know where all those
old fishing boats went.
Anyway, how is that little baby
of yours this morning,
Master Punch?
- What?
- Your baby.
How is the baby?
(PANTING)
You can't be crawling into
every blazing stove you see,
you hear me?
One of these days
you're going to find yourself
all burnt to a crisp.
(PANTING)
(BABY WHINES)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Hey!
(DOG BARKS)
- (PANTING)
- (DOG BARKS)
Hey!
- (BABY WHINES)
- (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(BABY WAILS)
(THUD!)
(PANTING)
(DOG BARKS)
(BIRD CHIRPS)
JUDY: Punch!
It's too hot a day to have the
house all locked up like this.
What hell has broken loose here?
Where is the baby?
You can't keep up
with this behaviour, Punch.
I can't trust you alone with her
for even an hour.
Where is she, Punch?
You can't just put her down
and leave her,
she's too small!
Not two minutes in the door,
and straight to poor Punch
with your nagging.
Punch! Where have you put her?
Where is she?
Please, Punch.
Punch, try to remember
what you've done with her.
She's lost her shoe, Punch.
We have to find her.
Her little foot will be cold.
That baby just couldn't
keep itself put.
I'd sit her down in one place
and turn for a moment
and she'd have wound up
in another.
And you told me no boozing
but the dog stole my breakfast
and then Scaramouche
made me have a tipple.
He's like an evil wizard,
that old man -
I never trusted him.
And anyway...
..I accidentally dropped
the baby out the window.
But what's done is done
and I suppose
we just move on with our lives.
What do you mean you dropped her
out the window?
(GLASS BANGS ON THE TABLE)
It's time we moved on
with our lives.
What do you mean you dropped
the baby out the window?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
What do you mean you dropped
the baby out the window?!
- Pull yourself together!
- What do you mean?!
No!
(SCREAMS)
JUDY: No!
JUDY: No!
(GRUNTS)
That's the way to do it!
(PANTING)
Judy?
Judy!
My love?
You can go ahead and get up now.
(PANTING)
(ELECTRONIC VERSION OF BACH'S
AIR ON THE G STRING)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC FADES)
That's the way to do it.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(CLATTER)
Is it morning time already?
Are we to stack the wood?
(ARMCHAIR CREAKS)
(SIGHS)
(LIGHT SNORING)
(EXHALES)
(TOBY GROWLS)
- Hello, Toby.
- (TOBY GROWLS)
That's no welcome reception
for your old friend Punch now,
is it?
(TOBY GROWLS)
How about you come down here
and keep me company?
- (TOBY YELPS)
- (BONES SNAP)
(EERIE MUSIC)
(CHICKENS CLUCK)
Ye did it again!
Onie chance ye gie ye,
take a swatch at mah cards.
Yer a cheat ben an' ben.
Gonnae-no accusin' me!
I wasn't lookin' at
yer glaikit cards,
Ah was checkin' on mah cuddie
which happens tae be tethered
ower yer shoolder.
Ha! That's the most glaikit
excuse I've ever heard!
Ah don't loch
yer accusatory tone.
Ah think it's shan. Ah''ve ne'er
cheated in mah life!
If ye tois ur gonnae
keep fightin',
Ah don't want tae play anymair!
Where's the new constable?
Ah dunnae ken.
Most likely daein'
his make-up, Ah imagine.
- (MEN LAUGH)
- What?
Aye, or gaitherin' wildflowers
tae decorate th' watch hoose!
I need to speak with him
immediately
to report the missing
of my dear wife and baby.
RUFFIANS: The watch hoose.
Mr Punch?
I'm sorry to disturb you,
Constable,
but I've come to report a crime.
Right. Excellent.
Er, it's just
it's been a quiet few days.
Still trying to convince
the town to trust me
with their grievances
rather than take the law
into their own hands.
I'm looking forward
to having something
to sink my teeth into...
so to speak.
How can I help, sir?
My dear wife and tiny baby
are missing, Constable.
It's hardly cause for
celebration.
Missing? Judy and the baby?
Vanished into thin air!
Some act of foul play
has befallen them, I'm sure.
Get your coat, Derrick.
Get your coat.
I'm sure there's some
reasonable explanation.
Lead the way, Mr Punch.
Hat, Derrick!
Hat.
(SIGHS)
DERRICK: It does indeed appear
as though some struggle
has taken place.
(SOBS) My poor sweet wife
and child.
However, I can find no evidence
of foul play.
(CLEARS THROAT) Wee swatch
tae the fleer, sir.
What?
O'er there.
Blood on the fleer.
DERRICK: How did you miss that?
Idiot, Derrick.
I'm afraid this doesn't
bode well, Mr Punch.
(SOBS LOUDLY)
(SOBS) I don't understand it.
I was gone for just a moment.
The only one with access
to the house is the old maid.
She's strange,
there's no denying it -
childless recluse...
..but whether she's capable
of murder...
Maude! The unexpected visitors
have arrived!
Good day, gentlemen.
Is there something I can be
assisting you with?
- (GLASS BREAKS)
- Easy, men.
Perhaps some tea?
When was the last time
you saw Judy, ma'am?
Not since yesterday, sir.
I went to the markets,
Judy went to the theatre.
And after that, what did you do?
I was here at home, sir.
And your husband -
he was at home with you?
Yes, sir.
MAN: Constable!
A wee bairn's bootie!
- DERRICK: Dear God.
- What?
She's roasted the baby
in the stove.
Heretic!
Check her
for the mark of the Devil!
Let us not jump to conclusions,
Mr Punch.
Could you tell me what this is,
ma'am?
That's the baby's shoe, sir.
And how do you suppose
it got inside your stove?
Is there anyone who can verify
your whereabouts late yesterday
between the hours of 2 and 6
in the pm?
My husband can, sir.
Where were you yesterday
between the hours of 2 and 6
in the pm?
I...
I got dressed,
and... and had my breakfast.
Please, sir, forgive my husband
his hazy recollections.
His mind and memory
are not what they were.
When was the last time you saw
the lady of the house?
I can't rightly remember, sir.
No, I can't rightly remember.
Oh, but she's a fine lady,
that lady.
Oh, yes, she is so sweet.
And so pretty, yes.
Her name... Her name...
I just can't recall her name.
But I remember Mr Punch, though,
because I...
Clearly his want is
to confuse you, Constable.
He's most certainly
involved in the disappearance.
They both got the Devil's look
about them, clear as day.
For God's sake, look at them!
Unless someone can provide me
with fresh evidence
to the contrary,
I'm left with little choice
but to place you
under deep suspicion
and take you in
for further questioning.
No! Please!
My husband's a good, kindly man.
- He loves Judy and that child.
- MAN: Move yer arse!
Please! Take me
but leave my husband.
See! That's all but a confession
from the witch.
Hang them both!
We are taking them
for questioning.
(SCOFFS) Questioning!
They've roasted my baby!
(CROW CAWS)
- Looks dead.
- Yep.
Dead.
Wait! Look at that.
CHILD: What?
Fingers just did some moving.
CHILD: It's the same like
with a turkey, Scotty.
You cut the head off and
it still writhes and twitches
to make you think it's living
when it's clearly dead.
Incoming!
(WHISTLING)
(CHILDREN CALL)
We got a dead one!
(ALL MURMUR)
WOMAN: It's a girl.
Jesus...
WOMAN: Her face.
Found her 'tween here and town
somewhere.
Thought Goodtime
could take a look.
- Scotty says she's a puppeteer.
- Tank!
How would Scotty be knowing
she's a puppeteer
unless Scotty herself
has been sneaking
into them puppet shows
in town?
Did you forget about
them stonings?
Did you?
Well, you want to be next?
Or worse, you want
this whole camp discovered
when one of them follows you
back here?
You've gotta be smart.
What did I always tell you
is the most important thing
of all the things?
CHILDREN: Smarts.
She's had herself a good
beating, the poor thing.
- (SIGHS)
- Looks proper dead.
Can we keep her and take her
to Dr Goodtime
for a looking-over?
You and I both know what
Goodtime's gonna say about it.
DR GOODTIME: Clearly the lady
ain't dead.
You lunatics!
That's good news.
Depends on how you look on it.
I can't promise
she'll stay that way for long.
From over here, her injuries
look death-dealing.
Once I get over there,
I'll be able to give her
a better looking-over.
Sorry, Dr Goodtime,
but when do you think you might
come over here
to take a closer look?
Don't rush me, small 'un!
I move at my own pace,
no quicker.
I don't mean to rush you but
she could expire any minute.
I don't know
what you're thinking
bringing her back here
to begin with.
We're about to be on the move.
We can only take what's useful.
We don't got no space
for nothing more.
But this one's a good one.
She's got skills in the theatre.
(LAUGHS AND COUGHS)
Skills in the theatre...
..ain't no use to us.
This witch fever gains any more
momentum,
and we'll have outcasts enough
to build a city.
What a city that would be!
- What?
- Nothing.
(SIGHS)
Poor Mrs Punchy-face.
Make way for the murderers,
the killers of babies
and wives! Make way!
WOMAN: What have they done?
They ate my baby!
They bashed my wife to death,
and they roasted
and ate my child!
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Hold your babies close tonight,
lest they be eaten by witches
like these!
- Get out of here!
- You're disgusting!
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- (WOMAN SPITS)
MAN: Must have done something
heinous, these ones, eh?
DERRICK: Good folk,
I urge you to be calm
and reserve your judgement.
It does appear a violent crime
may have taken place.
- But at this stage...
- Murder! (SOBS)
My wife and child dead at
the hands of these heathens!
- CROWD: Oh!
- (GASPS)
At this stage,
they are but suspects.
And I will continue to
investigate.
WOMAN: Will there be an 'anging?
We are due an 'anging!
- MAN: We are due an 'anging.
- (CROWD CHEERS)
First, a thorough investigation
must be conducted, and then...
Evidence has been found
that the old man cooked my baby
in the kitchen oven
for the old woman to eat!
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- MAN: What?!
Justice should be swift
and merciless!
They are cold-blooded killers.
They should be hanged
by the neck
as quickly as hanging ropes
can be strung!
MAN: Send them
down the trapdoor!
- WOMAN: Put them in the halter!
- MAN: Break their necks!
- (ANGRY CHATTER)
- I can assure you that...
..crime in this town
will not be tolerated,
and the full fist of the law
shall come down
on any who feel
they are above it.
However, we should be guided
by reason and justice.
- (CROWD SHOUTS)
- MAN: We want a hanging!
CROWD: Yeah!
MAN: Send them back to the Devil
where they belong!
- Constable!
- Get them inside!
- (CROWD SHOUTS)
- Get back! Oi, you!
Constable, Constable, please!
I think it wise you give the
people what they're demanding
or risk this mob running riot.
Justice and punishment should be
determined by the law,
Mr Frankly, not hearsay
and an angry mob.
And I appreciate your
forward thinking, Constable,
but this is neither the time
nor the town
to conduct these outlandish
social experiments.
Do what you must
to obtain a confession.
Aye.
I can try her
on the stronger stuff,
but if she comes good,
she'd better be making herself
useful.
Can't guarantee it'll work.
Never does.
Mm.
- (GASPS)
- (CHILDREN GASP)
Mm. It's more effective
than I thought.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
JUDY: Where am I?
Heretics' camp.
Are you to kill me?
Kill you? (CHUCKLES)
If it hadn't been for these
small 'uns,
you'd be dead already.
Do you remember
what happened to you?
Do you know how you come
to be all mashed up, half-dead
and buried in a hole
in the middle of the forest?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING ECHOES)
GIRL: Them theatre people,
they eat different stuff.
WOMAN: How come if she's so
fancy she's not more famous?
What's she doing
in old dingy Seaside?
I'll tell you
what she's doing in Seaside.
Her ma and her pa owned
that manor she lives in
on the edge of the forest.
They bred like fucking rabbits.
There was a whole big bunch
of them.
And the whole load of them
was wiped out by a plague
when Judy was just a little 'un.
Left behind just her
and the two servants,
who had to raise her up.
And then one day,
Punch passed through town
with his magic show
or whatever it was he was doing.
Charmed the pants off everyone,
especially her.
So she ran away with him,
learned puppets,
and they travelled all over
and they got sure and famous.
They even had a show
in the big smoke and everything.
But it all went bottoms up
when that arse-worm husband
couldn't control his boozing...
..or his temper.
And they got booted out
of near every town.
Flat broke
when he knocked her up.
So they had to slink back here,
tails 'tween legs.
He thinks
he's too good for Seaside.
I'd say he pretty much
fits right in.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(FAINT GROWLING)
(GROWLING)
(HEARTBEAT)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(CHOPPING)
(WOMEN CHATTER)
(SCOFFS)
(DISCORDANT VIOLIN MUSIC)
WOMAN: Morning, Judy.
Are you alright?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Morning, puppet lady.
This lady's got a real problem
staying awake.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
I thought your puppet show
was pure dead brilliant,
the way you made them puppets
come to life, like,
and that double somersault,
and all them explosions
at the end.
I didn't quite like one bit,
though.
Does that little punchy guy
always win?
Given he done so many
beastly things!
He won't be winning anymore.
What?
He won't be winning anymore
because I'm going to kill him.
(GASPS)
This place is good, but.
Ain't no-one gonna stone us
to death!
I'm gonna steal me
a full-sized horse soon,
and then have everything I need
for the rest of my damn life.
Once you get cast out,
you can't go back, you know.
(GATE CREAKS)
Hurry up!
- (PUNCH MUTTERS)
- Brought you some supplies.
- (MUTTERS)
- Over there.
Sausages,
sausages.
Sausages.
Ah, a carrot.
And the stuff
of greatest import.
Lots of folk at McDrinky's
send their regards.
There's a couple of gentlemen
in town from the big smoke.
They was asking 'bout when
the next show was scheduled.
Did they give names?
What did they look like?
Them's a lot of questions. Which
one do you want me to answer?
(BANGS) Answer them all, woman!
I'm sorry, Poll.
But they could be scouts.
Now, please,
think very clearly
and tell me exactly
what they looked like.
POLLY: Well...
..one was kind of medium
in height,
not too fair, not too dark.
The other was pretty much
the same as the first.
And they both wore
real nice clothing,
both looked to be
very serious-like,
and they both had pencils.
Pencils?
Only scouts have pencils.
Scouts for sure!
Oh, God.
What's the matter?
They're here to see my show
and now that Judy has been
so brutally taken from me,
I don't rightly have a show
to show them.
Damn it!
This was my ticket out.
(GRUNTS)
Maybe I could help.
I've not got any experience
with puppets,
but I'd sure be grateful
for the opportunity
to learn the ins and outs
of theatre.
I can sing and dance a little.
And I've always been mad keen
to learn the trombone.
Alright, alright.
Time is of the essence.
We gotta get you mastering
them marionette strings.
We can discuss trombones
at a later date.
(LAUGHS)
(BONES CRACK)
(GRUNTS)
Best you get that revengey look
off your face.
It doesn't suit you.
I think you know that.
Ain't going to do no good
you charging back there,
killing him.
I have to go back.
I can't let him get away
with it. It isn't right.
(SCOFFS) Since when does what's
right make any difference?
What do you think we're all
doing out here? Hm?
You think we're out here because
what's right is important
to anyone in that town?
Every one of us is wanted for
some made-up reason or other.
Most done nothing to warrant it.
We gotta let it go,
let it all go,
let all of it go, all of it.
Everything we had
before we were cast out.
Just keep moving forward
and hope the rest of the world
catches up.
What do you think's
gonna happen,
you go traipsing
back into town
ranting and raving?
They already think you're dead,
and now suddenly you're not.
That's gonna make you a witch
or some kind of devil
in their eyes for sure.
Doesn't matter what you say,
don't matter
what actually happened.
You'll wind up dead.
All of us heretics
are moving soon.
So you've got a choice to make.
You can stick with us,
forget Seaside,
or leave now.
If I don't go back, he wins.
I have to run away.
I have to leave my home.
He wins.
(GROANS)
I just said a whole lot of
important stuff just then.
Were you even listening?
Forget about him.
Forget about all of them.
You can't fix that town.
Use your smarts.
Assuming you even got any.
You can't hunch her over
like you would the maid.
This one's built proud
and upright.
You have to keep
a straight spine with her
or you won't get the right
movements through her arms.
Relax the arms
and get her straight
through the spine!
She'll tangle again
if you pull up so quickly.
This puppet is broken, Punch!
I'm telling you,
it won't do a thing right!
- (CLATTER)
- Hey!
You can't be dropping
the puppets.
They're mighty delicate.
If you break this one's face,
I'll be tempted to break yours!
You're of simple mind.
You're a simple-minded dimwit!
You've got to listen
when I tell you things.
Unless you get this show right,
you'll be stuck in Seaside
whoring yourself out to
stinking Welshmen for eternity.
I might not be as smart as you,
Punch,
but it don't take a big brain
to know it was Judy who held
this show together anyways.
I'm sorry. (SOBS)
(SCREAMS)
(SOBS)
(SHOUTS)
Pull yourself together, woman.
I've had an idea.
(MEN LAUGH)
Constable Fairbrother, you've
just missed the announcement.
Announcement?
You'll be relieved to hear
that a full confession
has been elicited
from both prisoners
and an announcement made
that they shall hang
before the month is out.
I would have thought
I should be asked to attend,
given my position as constable.
Oh, never mind that.
No doubt you had
more important matters
to concern yourself with.
The ruffians are more than
experienced
in the taking of confessions.
And an announcement already...?
It all seems rather hasty to me,
Mr Frankly.
No need to worry, Constable.
The townsfolk are relieved
to have them off the streets.
Er, perhaps there's some
redecorating you could do
in the watch house.
(MEN SNIGGER)
(SNIGGERS) Constable.
LEONARD COHEN: And who by fire
Who by water
Who in the sunshine
Who in the night-time
Who by high ordeal
Who by common trial
Who in your merry, merry
month of May
Who by very slow decay
And who
Shall I say
Is calling
And who in her lonely slip
Who by barbiturate
Who in these realms of love
Who by something blunt
Who by avalanche
Who by powder
Who for his greed
Who for his hunger
And who
Shall I say
Is calling
And who by brave assent
Who by accident
Who in solitude
Who in this mirror
Who by his lady's command
Who by his own hand
Who in mortal chains
Who in power
And who
Shall I say
Is calling?
(YELLS)
(CHEERING)
Legs and feet in the left box.
Hands and arms in the right.
Jumble the extremities -
I'll cut off your head.
Come on, now.
It's a hand!
Judy!
Drink?
To celebrate new beginnings.
(CHUCKLES)
(DISTANT CONVERSATIONS)
WOMAN: Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Oh, good evening,
Law Enforcement.
A fine night, isn't it?
So still and pleasant.
A drink on the eve
of your hanging,
as is customary?
Oh, that's nice, that is.
Thank you.
I don't rightly mind a nip
before bedtime.
It puts one's troubles at ease.
Thank you, thank you very much.
For you, Maude?
Sleep evading you, is it,
Law Enforcement?
It's not a trouble I've had
before.
If one thing ever came easy to
me, it was a good slumber.
But the simple pleasure is
totally eluding me now.
Oh. Well, sit, sit.
I've had patches of restlessness
like that myself, young man.
Oh, yes.
When you've lived
as long as I have,
you've come
to realise the cause.
When things tilt off
in a way they shouldn't,
when the world gets crooked,
and it has no choice
but to right itself -
Yes, that's when it's hard
to slumber.
I feel it too.
Someone is close
to rousing the Devil.
(MUTTERS) The greatest
puppeteer of his generation,
the greatest puppeteer
of his generation.
(EXHALES)
Pass that bottle, Poll.
Punch is a touch nervy tonight.
Are you sure that's a bright
idea, Punch, darling?
Well, you're full of opinions
suddenly, aren't you?
I just don't know that
I got a good feeling
about this plan of yours.
If I were you,
I'd be expending my energy
making sure you don't turn
the night into a fiasco!
If you had any talent,
if you had any talent,
maybe I wouldn't have to be
having this idea.
But talent scouts
are in the talent business!
They're looking for one thing -
talent!
And you, my dear,
got none!
I...
Roll up, roll up,
dearest audience!
Sit your arses on a seat
instead of sitting on the fence!
(HUBBUB)
Put your money in the tin
if you want to see the puppets.
The show will begin...
They let you out of
the whorehouse, then?
(WOMEN LAUGH)
..momentarily.
Take off your corset
and I'll give you a penny!
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)
You quit your job
at the cathouse, Poll?
Or is this just a sideline?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
All... (EXHALES)
All the way from the big smoke
Mr Punch has come
with brand-new puppets
that Mr Punch has brung.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
More lifelike are these puppets
than any you've yet seen.
You'll wonder how it's possible
to make...
Your regulars will miss ya
if you run away with the circus,
Poll!
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
And now for the puppet
extravaganza!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,
the greatest puppeteer
of his time -
Professor Punch!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Here within we now begin
the history of Punch.
So dark it is and full of woe,
you may just lose your lunch.
(TAPS)
(CROWD MUTTERS)
There's people claim
their show's the best,
their puppets great and tall...
But Punch's
lifelike puppet show
is the punchiest of them all!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- The scouts are in.
- I saw them.
Just hang on to them handles,
that's all you gotta do.
OK, bring her in.
VERDI: RIGOLETTO, ACT II -
SCORRENDO UNITI REMOTA VIA
WOMAN: Are they...
OK, you.
Get moving.
Get over there and whack her.
- (CROWD BOOS)
- MAN: Judy!
WOMAN: What?
Money back!
Get your one moving.
Mine one's stuck.
(WHISPERS) Flea, darling...
Psst! Darling.
Get over there, do something.
PUNCH: OK, now whack her.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- Not that hard.
PUNCH: Hey! Stop that! Hey!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Fuck!
They're fighting for real!
Hey, stop it! Stop it, you two!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
I'll stop them.
Stop it! Stop fighting now!
Stop it!
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Come on over here, pretty Polly,
and show us your real talents!
- (CROWD LAUGHS)
- Someone's angry!
(CHEERING)
(GLASS BREAKS)
(SOBBING)
(MAN CRIES)
Are you alright?
(MAN WEEPS)
(STUTTERS) Yes, fine.
I...I'm fine.
Why do you ask?
Because you're weeping.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.
You've mistaken my laughter
for tears is all.
If you laugh,
others will laugh with you.
If you stop laughing, you die.
(WEEPS)
See you at the hanging.
(WEEPS)
There's to be a hanging?
Has your head
been buried underground
these past few weeks?
They're hanging
the two old servants,
Maude and Scaramouche,
what killed Punch's wife
and wee baby.
(WEEPS)
And when are they set to hang?
First up tomorrow, of course.
I prefer a good witch burning
myself.
I suppose they've got
to mix it up a bit...
..save us all
from getting bored.
(WEEPS)
(HORSE SNORTS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Hey. Shh, shh, shh.
Hey.
Where did you come from?
(TWIG SNAPS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(FAINT WHISPERING)
(FAINT WHISPERING)
(DISTANT HOWLING)
Who's there?
(HOWLING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RATTLING)
(EERIE WHISTLE)
(FAINT WHISPER) Hello, Punch...
Just the wind, Punch.
It's just the wind.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(GASPS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Where are you?
(EERIE WHISPER)
(VOICES OVERLAP) I'm right here.
Over here.
I'm your friend.
Over here.
Don't be scared.
I have a proposition for you.
(GASPS) Leave me!
I've no business with ya.
Why don't you torment
someone else?
- Boo!
- (SCREAMS)
(PUNCH BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RASPY VOICE) Punch...
Who are you?
The Devil knows
what you've done, Punch!
And the Devil is much enamoured
of your work.
I don't know what you've heard,
but it isn't true.
So impressed is he that the
Devil wants you on his team.
- (THUNDER BOOMS)
- (SCREAMS)
He wants you to join with him
in the down below.
What do you say, Punch?
Want to team up with the Devil?
I'm just a puppeteer, sir.
I'm just a puppeteer.
You'd have no use of me
in the down below.
You have blood in your house!
- You have blood in your house!
- Stop it! (SOBS)
What do I have to do?
Tell me what to do!
You have blood in your house!
- Please, just stop!
- You have blood in your house.
Do you want to go to Heaven
or do you want to go to Hell?
Heaven?
Only good men go to Heaven.
Are you a good man, Punch?
I can't hear you!
- Are you a good man?!
- Yes.
- Louder!
- Yes.
Yes, I'm a good man.
Then you must right your wrongs.
Confess to the people, Punch.
Tell the people
what you've done.
Only you can fix
this mess you've made.
Can you do that, Punch?
Can you right your wrongs?
I can.
Because if you do not,
I will come back for you
and I will not show you the
mercy I've shown you tonight.
- (THUNDER BOOMS)
- (GASPS)
(PANTING)
(HORSE SNORTS)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
ALL: Singing
"Bide, lady, bide
Your lust for me won't hide
This dusty smith
will be your love
So lay aside your pride"
So lady she turned
into a horse
Dark as the night is black
So he became a hairy saddle
for to ride onto her back
Singing
"Bide, lady, bide"...
(SINGING FADES)
I was riding over
from far as what I've seen
Feel me riding home again
Home on a valiant steed
I was wandering by
Far in an open field
I...
Waking all alone again
Riding in my sleep
Waiting for the time,
my friend
Gaily circling
Feel me riding home again
Far in an open field
See me riding home again
Far as what I feel
Ah-ah
Ah-ah...
MA: Scotty!
Why are you still awake?
Should get some sleep.
We got the big move tomorrow.
- Ma...
- Yeah?
Where are we even going?
I don't know, Scotty.
We'll find somewhere.
We always do.
Do you think one day we might
not have to move anymore?
I'd like to just live somewhere
proper.
I was riding over, friend
Far as what I see
Feel me riding home again
Home on a valiant steed
All is still
till day turns night
Far on an open field
And I'll be riding home
till I'm
Far as what I feel
Ah-ah
Ah-ah.
PREACHER: And you shall fear
the Almighty,
for the Almighty Lord
has come for you today.
(CROWD CHEERS)
And we will be rid
of the filth!
- (CHEERING)
- Of the vermin!
The vile, the unholy, ungodly!
The incarnations of the Devil
will hang!
- (WILD CHEERING)
- Yes, yes, yes!
Come on.
(BLOWS HORN)
Right.
(SILENCE)
Good people of Seaside,
in our continuing effort
to rid this land
of those marked by the Devil,
we present these two heathens.
(CROWD BOOS)
Two who have worked in unison
to commit an act
of unspeakable violence
and whose necks will be
snapped on account of it!
(CHEERING)
Thank you, sir.
And now I call on Mr Punch,
the aggrieved victim
in these here circumstances,
to deliver his final statement.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you kindly, Frankly.
MAN: You're our man, Punch!
(CLEARS THROAT)
CROWD: Shh, shh.
My friends...
..these two who stand before you
on the gallows...
..these two...
..these two...
..did not kill my wife
and child.
(CROWD GASPS AND EXCLAIMS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
People of Seaside...
People of Seaside...
MAN: We love you, Punch!
- (CHEERING)
- MAN: Seaside loves you, Punch!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Mr Punch!
(WILD CHEERING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FADE)
These two who stand before you
did not kill my wife and child.
They are mere conduits
for the work of the Devil!
(CHEERING)
And it is the Devil we confront
in the act of their hanging.
CROWD: Yeah!
These two infidels
know not what they do!
They are representatives
of His evil ways
and in the act of their hanging,
we say to the Devil, "No!"
CROWD: No!
We, the people of Seaside,
are stronger than you!
CROWD: Yes!
We, the people of Seaside,
will eradicate you!
CROWD: Yes!
- So hang they must!
- CROWD: Yes!
WOMAN: Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
(CHEERING)
And as I am the man
who has had his family
so brutally taken from him,
I should have the privilege
of dropping them
to their deaths.
(CHEERING)
I stand before you,
a proud resident of Seaside,
the greatest puppeteer
of my generation!
(CHEERING)
Father to a murdered daughter,
husband to a murdered wife,
and I will have my vengeance
in this life or the next.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good dying!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(MAUDE SOBS)
Good dying!
(CROWD MUTTERS)
(CONFUSED MUTTERING)
Someone's tampered
with the hang ropes.
(CROWD MURMURS)
(RUMBLING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Witches!
- (CROWD GASPS)
- MAN: What's going on?
- WOMAN: Look over there.
- (ALL GASP)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SCREAMING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
- Get her!
- Stop right there.
(CROWD MURMURS)
(GASPS)
Hands in the air.
(PUNCH GASPS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(PUNCH BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
I am no witch.
This man here, my husband,
killed my baby
and tried to kill me.
- (SHOCKED MURMURS)
- MAN: Terrible!
It seems to me something
is very wrong with this town.
You kill and cast out
your best souls!
Here you are
trying to off two of
the kindliest, gentlest folk
this town has ever known.
And based on what?
A suspicion?
A false accusation by this man?
You've all been sick as pigs
since you cast out Dr Goodtime
with her medicines and such.
You're all dressed
like hobo street monkeys
since you chased sartorial Alice
here into the forest.
You call us witches,
but what is a witch
but a person who sits
just outside your blinkered view
of the world.
And by that reckoning,
you should all be afraid.
Because I know
you all live daily
with the fear
of your own difference.
Today the witch is me...
..but I think you all know,
you all fear,
that tomorrow
the witch might be you!
No great crime
should go unpunished.
I'll not continue to stand aside
and watch you lauded.
You are a puppeteer no more,
Punch.
My sweet and talented wife...
(GRUNTS)
- (THUD!)
- (CROWD GASPS)
(PUNCH SCREAMS)
(EXHALES)
(CLATTER)
(PEACEFUL HARP MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUTTERS FEVERISHLY)
Shh! I've told you.
Hello!
Where's the rest of ya?
Are you the only ones?
Well, you'll have to do.
Without further ado,
ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
I am the Professor,
and this is
the Punch and Judy show!
This is the Punch and Judy show!
(LAUGHS) That's better.
(CANNED AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
Here within is the story.
It's a very violent story,
with a great many interesting
characters, including...
..Punch,
and Judy!
(MUMBLES)
(MUMBLES AND GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(CONTINUES MUMBLING
AND GRUNTING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
(MAJESTIC MUSIC)
SONG: Life
Life is life
Life
Life is life
When we all give the power
We all get the best
Every minute in the hour
We don't think about the rest
When we all get the power
We all give the best
When everyone gives everything
Then every soul
Every soul will get life
Life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
When we all feel the power
Life is life
We all feel the pain
Life is life
It's the feeling of the people
Life is life
It's the feeling of the land
Oh-oh
When we all get the power
We all get the best
Every minute in the hour
We don't think about the rest
When we all give the power
We all give the best
When everyone gives everything
And every soul
Every soul will get
Life
Oh, life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
Life
We're glad that it's over
We thought it would last
Every minute of the future
Is a memory of the past
'Cause we gave all the power
We gave all the best
And everyone lost everything
And perished with the rest
Life
Oh, life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
Life
Life is life
Life
Is
Life.
BACH: AIR ON A G STRING
Aah!
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
(CROW CAWS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SHEEP BLEAT)
(MAN SPEAKS IN THE DISTANCE)
(PANTING)
MAN: ..His fist shall
thunder down upon those
who have strayed from the path.
Those of you who kneel
at the foot of the Devil.
(CONTINUES PREACHING
IN THE DISTANCE)
(RAT SQUEAKS, CHICKENS CLUCK)
(MEN GRUNT)
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, little fella,
you look almost man enough
to come in for a nurture.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(HUBBUB)
- (BOTH ARGUE)
- Fuckin' hell!
No guinea too big. No...
Thank you kindly, sir.
No penny too small.
Come, now. Thank you, sir.
Come, now, don't be cheap.
Come, now, coin in the tin.
Come, now.
Thank you kindly, sir.
Thank you, sir.
No penny too small.
(CONTINUES SPRUIKING)
- Here, darling.
- Thank you, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the show is about to begin.
Sit down!
The show is about to begin.
(DRUM ROLL)
- (BANG!)
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Come now, come now,
you cheap little asses.
Coin in the tin
afore payin' time passes.
Don't slag us off,
don't turn your head.
- For friends we are, not foe!
- (LAUGHTER)
But if you dirty little fuckers
don't cough up your bread,
we won't be showing you a show!
You've heard the talk
from far and wide
of Punch's puppet play.
"Best in the world",
"The greatest show",
is what the critics say.
The congregations of St Paul's
grow thinner every day.
They're coming to
the show of shows,
not kneeling down to pray.
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)
Professor Punch is back at last!
Town's most truthful preacher.
So sit your arse down,
don't fuck around,
and enjoy the theatre feature!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
We love you, Punch!
BACH: TOCCATA
AND FUGUE IN D MINOR
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(ELECTRONIC VERSION OF BACH'S
TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
-Knock 'em out! Knock 'em out!
OK, move across, move across.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(SHOUTS)
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
That's the way to do it!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,
the greatest puppeteer
of our time -
Professor Punch!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You all best be spreading
the word
that the Punch show is back.
One show a week,
catch it while you can.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Tell friends, foes
and neighbours alike.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)
PUNCH: Thank you,
thank you so much.
Surely you spilled some?
I'm afraid not, honey.
A more niggardly town than
Seaside'd be hard to find.
But what was lacking
from their pockets
they made up for in applause.
You think it went well, then?
You think they liked us?
Liked us? They loved us!
- (LAUGHS)
- We killed it, honey. We did.
Yes! We smashed it to bits
and pieces, didn't we?
We slaughtered them!
(LAUGHS)
A main stage awaits us,
my love.
I can hear the applause already,
Jude.
I close my eyes for a moment
and I can hear it.
The greatest puppeteer
of his generation.
(CANNED CHEERING)
So?
Scouts? Any scouts?
I saw none.
We'll just make sure
each show is a smasher.
- Yeah.
- They'll be in soon enough.
Yes, yes. Soon enough.
Soon enough.
Now is our time, Jude.
The big theatres
are opening again.
Our show is the best.
It won't be long
before we're whisked away
to brighter things
with fanfare unimaginable.
I promise you that.
I was just wondering, honey,
the show seems to be getting
punchier all the time.
Very punchy, in fact.
Do you think it needs to be
quite so smashy?
Well, that's
what the people like.
They like punchy,
and they like smashy.
You've heard them, Jude.
That's what they want, my love.
I'm an artist. (CHUCKLES)
It is not for me
to question my gift,
I can only surrender to it.
If my gut tells me to be punchy
and smashy,
I guess we're doing the punchy
and smashy.
Come here and give Punch
some love.
What?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Come on.
There's another promise
I'd sooner have you keep.
My sweet and talented wife!
So blessed I am to have ya.
JUDY: Sweet and talented indeed.
- (CANNED CHEERING)
- (SCOFFS)
PUNCH: (LAUGHS) Wahoo!
There you go! Look at you.
PUNCH: Look at you.
One more time.
One more time. Let's go higher.
- Whoo! (LAUGHS)
- (BABY CRIES)
- (SINGS) Happy stoning day.
- (CRIES)
You've gone and turned
her stomach upside down.
That thing does nothing
but bellow.
It's you who does nothing
but bellow,
and as a grown man,
it's harder to fathom.
And before I knew it,
I was falling...
ooh, right down,
past the clouds,
past the branches.
I thought for certain I was
about to meet my end.
But as the ground came up
to meet me,
it wasn't the hard clay,
but a giant pillow
of autumn leaves
that broke my fall.
(CHUCKLES)
I sank into it.
And when I awoke,
I was near suffocated
in my own pillow.
- (LAUGHS)
- (BELL RINGS)
PUNCH: Maid!
Sounds like the devil's awake
and wants his sausages.
Now, you stay put
like I told you,
and when I'm done with the day,
we can stroll.
Am I fit for a visitor
should one arrive unannounced?
More handsome now
than the day I met you.
(BELL RINGS)
- (BELL RINGS)
- Maid!
- Maid!
- Morning, Master Punch.
Won't be too long,
just got to get
this pan sizzling.
Sausages?
Would I risk a hiding
serving you anything but?
Any more sausages and
you'll likely turn into one.
Morning, Judy.
How was the show, then?
It went well.
- The crowd was...
- Slaughtered them!
Smashed it to bits and pieces!
(SNIFFS)
We'll be done with these
worn-out loitersacks in no time.
The big smoke awaits us.
MAID: I quite got used to you
being back.
PUNCH: Well, get unused to it.
I have to change the baby
before we go.
Make sure you get a better one.
BOTH: I never liked that one
anyhow.
Your jokes are getting hoary,
honey.
You might want to dream up
some new ones.
MAN: Happy stoning day.
Rock, madam?
Rock, sir?
First in, best rock.
I'll catch up.
No need to rush. But it helps.
(CHUCKLES)
Happy stoning day.
(GASPS) Mr Punch!
Oh, Mr Frankly!
Oh, so very glad you made it,
Punch.
We were hoping perhaps
you'll do us the honour
of casting the first stone?
Oh, why, thank you.
I hear you've netted
some good ones.
Oh, yes, we've been
saving them up for today.
That Goodbuckle woman, I always
had a feeling about that one.
I'll be happy to cast the first.
Excellent.
Glad to hear, Punch.
Glad to hear it!
It seems some folk are getting
squeamish around here.
"Stop stoning women!",
all that nonsense.
The good old values
are slipping.
'Tis left to men of strong will
such as you and I
to bring these acts of heresy
to an end.
- Do you agree?
- I do.
Very good. Well, I'll see you
after at McDrinky's
for a celebratory ale.
Actually, I...
I've promised the old missus
to lay low-ish on the booze
on account of my hot liver.
Oh.
Oh, hello. (CHUCKLES)
Right you are. Well...
Happy stoning day!
(COW LOWS)
PREACHER: We seek out the vile
and the unholy
and the wanton
and we will destroy
the evil demons
and lovers of Satan.
(CHEERING)
- And when they...
- (HORN BLOWS)
Thank you.
Good people of Seaside,
today I present to you
three fresh, filthy examples
of the wave of evil that is
sweeping across our fine land.
(CROWD MURMURS ANGRILY)
All have confessed
to their crimes
and shall die
on account of them.
CROWD: Yeah!
Harriet Slibber, whose chickens
all died on the same night
due to obvious sorcery.
- CROWD: Shame!
- Glenda Putts,
who tried to conceal a rash
upon her back
which was patently
some kind of Devil marking.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- MAN: Devil's whore!
And Esther Goodbuckle,
whose husband,
Rodney Goodbuckle,
found her staring at the moon
for a suspiciously
very long time.
MAN: It's terrible!
Yes, it is, Rodney!
It's terrible!
And though we have
three whole witches
standing before you today,
we must remain vigilant.
We must continue
to hunt them down
until we have expunged
each and every one!
- (CROWD ROARS APPROVAL)
- Those that lurk among us
and those that have fled
to haunt us
from the black forest yonder.
(EERIE ANIMAL CALLS)
(SILENCE)
Anyway...
..to the stoning!
- (CHEERING)
- (HORN BLOWS)
Good dying!
ALL: Good dying!
Mr Punch.
Good one.
- (CROWD ROARS)
- (WOMEN SCREAM)
(WOMEN WAIL)
(CROWD CHEERS)
Happy stoning day!
(UPBEAT FOLK TUNE)
(CROWD YELLS AND CHEERS)
That's a mighty strong
stone-hurling arm you've got.
Thank you for noticing, Poll.
Such a robust appendage
must prove very useful.
Very useful indeed.
I take it you're well?
I'm very well,
thank you for asking.
And, Pancake, Flea,
I trust you're both well?
Fine show last night.
We three enjoyed it aplenty.
So few cultured men
like yourself in Seaside.
I'm glad you liked it.
And it's a very lucky town
for having one as pretty as you
residing in it.
Haven't seen you around
McDrinky's in a while.
We were just on our way.
Why don't you join us
for a nip or two?
I would love to, Poll,
but I'm trying to keep
on the straight and sober
while the show's on the up.
Hoping to get scouted
by the bigwigs.
McDrinky's, with all its...
..offerings,
as you know,
is my major weak spot.
Well, you know where to find us,
should you change your mind.
Come on!
JUDY: Now, watch very closely.
This bag is empty, yes?
- CHILDREN: Yes.
- Coin in the bag.
CHILD: Here.
(CHILD SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
CHILDREN: Wow!
- CHILDREN: Oh!
- CHILD: That's good.
(CHILDREN LAUGH AND GASP)
(CHILDREN EXCLAIM)
CHILD: Please.
JUDY: Gently.
CHILD: Oh, wow!
CHILD: Ready?
- (CRACK!)
- (CHILDREN SCREAM)
CHILD: Oh!
Alright, run along now.
That's enough.
- (CHILDREN WHINGE)
- Show's over.
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
Oh, good day, Judy.
JUDY: Constable.
Wonderful show last night.
Wonderful. You really have
your way with the puppets.
A way! You really have a way
with the puppets.
(BABY COOS)
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Just one word, Judy.
You might wish to keep
those magic tricks
a little on the lowdown.
So convincing they are
they'll be taken for sorcery
and the last thing
I would like to see
is a woman such as yourself
before the stoners.
Of course my personal opinion
is that you're wonderful.
It's wonderful.
The tricks, I mean,
the magic is wonderful.
But it seems some folk
in Seaside are...
..prone to superstition.
More and more by the day,
it would appear.
Well, thank you for the warning,
Derrick.
I should continue my patrol.
All the breast.
All the...very breast.
(CHUCKLES)
Have you seen Punch?
Thank you.
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(WILD CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
MAN: One more, one more,
one more.
(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
- (WOMAN LAUGHS)
- (CHEERING)
MAN: That's the way!
That's the way!
(WILD CHEERING)
JUDY: You'll grow strong
and able
with a sturdy constitution
just like your papa.
But all the best bits you'll
inherit from your mama.
Those will be the bits
that count the most.
The very bits that made your
papa love her at the start.
- (SIGHS)
- (BABY GURGLES)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
(MUTED CHEERING)
(GIGGLES)
(MAN MURMURS)
(MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
- This way.
- (MURMURS)
This way.
Watch your step.
(SNORING)
How's the world looking
outside that there window
this morning, my love?
It seems the weather has turned
and storm clouds are gathering.
Where's that thumb-twiddling
maid of ours?
She should mind
I don't give her a whacking.
Maid!
- (BANGS) Maid!
- That's enough!
I'll not go down this road
again, Punch.
If your true want
is to resurrect our show,
you have to stay
on the straight and sober.
Can you do that?
Punch?
Can you do that?
It's one small slip, my love.
I got excited.
From now on,
only good decisions.
That's a Punch promise.
You've made your share
of promises already.
Promises aren't the hard part.
It's the keeping of them
you seem to find so difficult!
PUNCH: Well...
I will try to keep...
..the promises...
..I've already promised.
That's a Punch oath.
That's even...
..even better than a promise.
'Cause, you know, it's an oath.
It's even better.
(DOG BARKS)
(BARKS)
PUNCH: Want some?
(DOG BARKS)
PUNCH: Yeah? You want, yeah?
Now, go on, have a little. No.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG YELPS AND PANTS)
JUDY: I'm to go clean
the theatre.
Maude is off to the market.
We'll be no more than an hour.
There are more sausages
for your lunch.
You'll have to skin those
rabbits, I can't stomach it.
And help Scaramouche stack that
wood, like you promised me. Yes?
PUNCH: Mm-hm.
And, Punch...
..no boozing with the baby.
(SIGHS) You better stack the
wood and don't lose the baby,
and blah, blah, blah, blah.
What good is a servant
if he's too old to serve?
- (BABY CRIES)
- Hey.
Hey, what's the matter?
- Whee!
- (BABY CRIES)
Whee!
- Look at that! Whee!
- (BABY CRIES)
There you go.
(DOG BARKS)
Look! Look at the little doggy.
What's the matter, Toby?
Doesn't the old man feed you
proper? Is that the story?
- (DOG BARKS)
- Where is old Scaramouche?
Whistling away
in the servants' quarters,
no use to anybody?
Hey!
Get back here!
Stay there.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Your damn rat dog
ate my breakfast!
Took it clean off my plate!
He can be a snappy little pup,
that one.
But no harm done.
(STUTTERS) He really is
a good little boy, is Toby.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Can I offer you a drink,
Master Punch?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
And they named the town Seaside
because they believed
that one day
the sea would lap
right at our doorsteps.
Right at the bottom of the hill
there.
What gave them that idea,
I don't know,
seeing as how the sea is a good
three-day mule ride from here.
Oh, and they all built fishing
boats in anticipation too.
You're not making any sense
at all, old man.
I'm telling you,
I can't understand
a single word you're saying.
I don't know where all those
old fishing boats went.
Anyway, how is that little baby
of yours this morning,
Master Punch?
- What?
- Your baby.
How is the baby?
(PANTING)
You can't be crawling into
every blazing stove you see,
you hear me?
One of these days
you're going to find yourself
all burnt to a crisp.
(PANTING)
(BABY WHINES)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Hey!
(DOG BARKS)
- (PANTING)
- (DOG BARKS)
Hey!
- (BABY WHINES)
- (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(BABY WAILS)
(THUD!)
(PANTING)
(DOG BARKS)
(BIRD CHIRPS)
JUDY: Punch!
It's too hot a day to have the
house all locked up like this.
What hell has broken loose here?
Where is the baby?
You can't keep up
with this behaviour, Punch.
I can't trust you alone with her
for even an hour.
Where is she, Punch?
You can't just put her down
and leave her,
she's too small!
Not two minutes in the door,
and straight to poor Punch
with your nagging.
Punch! Where have you put her?
Where is she?
Please, Punch.
Punch, try to remember
what you've done with her.
She's lost her shoe, Punch.
We have to find her.
Her little foot will be cold.
That baby just couldn't
keep itself put.
I'd sit her down in one place
and turn for a moment
and she'd have wound up
in another.
And you told me no boozing
but the dog stole my breakfast
and then Scaramouche
made me have a tipple.
He's like an evil wizard,
that old man -
I never trusted him.
And anyway...
..I accidentally dropped
the baby out the window.
But what's done is done
and I suppose
we just move on with our lives.
What do you mean you dropped her
out the window?
(GLASS BANGS ON THE TABLE)
It's time we moved on
with our lives.
What do you mean you dropped
the baby out the window?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
What do you mean you dropped
the baby out the window?!
- Pull yourself together!
- What do you mean?!
No!
(SCREAMS)
JUDY: No!
JUDY: No!
(GRUNTS)
That's the way to do it!
(PANTING)
Judy?
Judy!
My love?
You can go ahead and get up now.
(PANTING)
(ELECTRONIC VERSION OF BACH'S
AIR ON THE G STRING)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC FADES)
That's the way to do it.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(CLATTER)
Is it morning time already?
Are we to stack the wood?
(ARMCHAIR CREAKS)
(SIGHS)
(LIGHT SNORING)
(EXHALES)
(TOBY GROWLS)
- Hello, Toby.
- (TOBY GROWLS)
That's no welcome reception
for your old friend Punch now,
is it?
(TOBY GROWLS)
How about you come down here
and keep me company?
- (TOBY YELPS)
- (BONES SNAP)
(EERIE MUSIC)
(CHICKENS CLUCK)
Ye did it again!
Onie chance ye gie ye,
take a swatch at mah cards.
Yer a cheat ben an' ben.
Gonnae-no accusin' me!
I wasn't lookin' at
yer glaikit cards,
Ah was checkin' on mah cuddie
which happens tae be tethered
ower yer shoolder.
Ha! That's the most glaikit
excuse I've ever heard!
Ah don't loch
yer accusatory tone.
Ah think it's shan. Ah''ve ne'er
cheated in mah life!
If ye tois ur gonnae
keep fightin',
Ah don't want tae play anymair!
Where's the new constable?
Ah dunnae ken.
Most likely daein'
his make-up, Ah imagine.
- (MEN LAUGH)
- What?
Aye, or gaitherin' wildflowers
tae decorate th' watch hoose!
I need to speak with him
immediately
to report the missing
of my dear wife and baby.
RUFFIANS: The watch hoose.
Mr Punch?
I'm sorry to disturb you,
Constable,
but I've come to report a crime.
Right. Excellent.
Er, it's just
it's been a quiet few days.
Still trying to convince
the town to trust me
with their grievances
rather than take the law
into their own hands.
I'm looking forward
to having something
to sink my teeth into...
so to speak.
How can I help, sir?
My dear wife and tiny baby
are missing, Constable.
It's hardly cause for
celebration.
Missing? Judy and the baby?
Vanished into thin air!
Some act of foul play
has befallen them, I'm sure.
Get your coat, Derrick.
Get your coat.
I'm sure there's some
reasonable explanation.
Lead the way, Mr Punch.
Hat, Derrick!
Hat.
(SIGHS)
DERRICK: It does indeed appear
as though some struggle
has taken place.
(SOBS) My poor sweet wife
and child.
However, I can find no evidence
of foul play.
(CLEARS THROAT) Wee swatch
tae the fleer, sir.
What?
O'er there.
Blood on the fleer.
DERRICK: How did you miss that?
Idiot, Derrick.
I'm afraid this doesn't
bode well, Mr Punch.
(SOBS LOUDLY)
(SOBS) I don't understand it.
I was gone for just a moment.
The only one with access
to the house is the old maid.
She's strange,
there's no denying it -
childless recluse...
..but whether she's capable
of murder...
Maude! The unexpected visitors
have arrived!
Good day, gentlemen.
Is there something I can be
assisting you with?
- (GLASS BREAKS)
- Easy, men.
Perhaps some tea?
When was the last time
you saw Judy, ma'am?
Not since yesterday, sir.
I went to the markets,
Judy went to the theatre.
And after that, what did you do?
I was here at home, sir.
And your husband -
he was at home with you?
Yes, sir.
MAN: Constable!
A wee bairn's bootie!
- DERRICK: Dear God.
- What?
She's roasted the baby
in the stove.
Heretic!
Check her
for the mark of the Devil!
Let us not jump to conclusions,
Mr Punch.
Could you tell me what this is,
ma'am?
That's the baby's shoe, sir.
And how do you suppose
it got inside your stove?
Is there anyone who can verify
your whereabouts late yesterday
between the hours of 2 and 6
in the pm?
My husband can, sir.
Where were you yesterday
between the hours of 2 and 6
in the pm?
I...
I got dressed,
and... and had my breakfast.
Please, sir, forgive my husband
his hazy recollections.
His mind and memory
are not what they were.
When was the last time you saw
the lady of the house?
I can't rightly remember, sir.
No, I can't rightly remember.
Oh, but she's a fine lady,
that lady.
Oh, yes, she is so sweet.
And so pretty, yes.
Her name... Her name...
I just can't recall her name.
But I remember Mr Punch, though,
because I...
Clearly his want is
to confuse you, Constable.
He's most certainly
involved in the disappearance.
They both got the Devil's look
about them, clear as day.
For God's sake, look at them!
Unless someone can provide me
with fresh evidence
to the contrary,
I'm left with little choice
but to place you
under deep suspicion
and take you in
for further questioning.
No! Please!
My husband's a good, kindly man.
- He loves Judy and that child.
- MAN: Move yer arse!
Please! Take me
but leave my husband.
See! That's all but a confession
from the witch.
Hang them both!
We are taking them
for questioning.
(SCOFFS) Questioning!
They've roasted my baby!
(CROW CAWS)
- Looks dead.
- Yep.
Dead.
Wait! Look at that.
CHILD: What?
Fingers just did some moving.
CHILD: It's the same like
with a turkey, Scotty.
You cut the head off and
it still writhes and twitches
to make you think it's living
when it's clearly dead.
Incoming!
(WHISTLING)
(CHILDREN CALL)
We got a dead one!
(ALL MURMUR)
WOMAN: It's a girl.
Jesus...
WOMAN: Her face.
Found her 'tween here and town
somewhere.
Thought Goodtime
could take a look.
- Scotty says she's a puppeteer.
- Tank!
How would Scotty be knowing
she's a puppeteer
unless Scotty herself
has been sneaking
into them puppet shows
in town?
Did you forget about
them stonings?
Did you?
Well, you want to be next?
Or worse, you want
this whole camp discovered
when one of them follows you
back here?
You've gotta be smart.
What did I always tell you
is the most important thing
of all the things?
CHILDREN: Smarts.
She's had herself a good
beating, the poor thing.
- (SIGHS)
- Looks proper dead.
Can we keep her and take her
to Dr Goodtime
for a looking-over?
You and I both know what
Goodtime's gonna say about it.
DR GOODTIME: Clearly the lady
ain't dead.
You lunatics!
That's good news.
Depends on how you look on it.
I can't promise
she'll stay that way for long.
From over here, her injuries
look death-dealing.
Once I get over there,
I'll be able to give her
a better looking-over.
Sorry, Dr Goodtime,
but when do you think you might
come over here
to take a closer look?
Don't rush me, small 'un!
I move at my own pace,
no quicker.
I don't mean to rush you but
she could expire any minute.
I don't know
what you're thinking
bringing her back here
to begin with.
We're about to be on the move.
We can only take what's useful.
We don't got no space
for nothing more.
But this one's a good one.
She's got skills in the theatre.
(LAUGHS AND COUGHS)
Skills in the theatre...
..ain't no use to us.
This witch fever gains any more
momentum,
and we'll have outcasts enough
to build a city.
What a city that would be!
- What?
- Nothing.
(SIGHS)
Poor Mrs Punchy-face.
Make way for the murderers,
the killers of babies
and wives! Make way!
WOMAN: What have they done?
They ate my baby!
They bashed my wife to death,
and they roasted
and ate my child!
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Hold your babies close tonight,
lest they be eaten by witches
like these!
- Get out of here!
- You're disgusting!
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- (WOMAN SPITS)
MAN: Must have done something
heinous, these ones, eh?
DERRICK: Good folk,
I urge you to be calm
and reserve your judgement.
It does appear a violent crime
may have taken place.
- But at this stage...
- Murder! (SOBS)
My wife and child dead at
the hands of these heathens!
- CROWD: Oh!
- (GASPS)
At this stage,
they are but suspects.
And I will continue to
investigate.
WOMAN: Will there be an 'anging?
We are due an 'anging!
- MAN: We are due an 'anging.
- (CROWD CHEERS)
First, a thorough investigation
must be conducted, and then...
Evidence has been found
that the old man cooked my baby
in the kitchen oven
for the old woman to eat!
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- MAN: What?!
Justice should be swift
and merciless!
They are cold-blooded killers.
They should be hanged
by the neck
as quickly as hanging ropes
can be strung!
MAN: Send them
down the trapdoor!
- WOMAN: Put them in the halter!
- MAN: Break their necks!
- (ANGRY CHATTER)
- I can assure you that...
..crime in this town
will not be tolerated,
and the full fist of the law
shall come down
on any who feel
they are above it.
However, we should be guided
by reason and justice.
- (CROWD SHOUTS)
- MAN: We want a hanging!
CROWD: Yeah!
MAN: Send them back to the Devil
where they belong!
- Constable!
- Get them inside!
- (CROWD SHOUTS)
- Get back! Oi, you!
Constable, Constable, please!
I think it wise you give the
people what they're demanding
or risk this mob running riot.
Justice and punishment should be
determined by the law,
Mr Frankly, not hearsay
and an angry mob.
And I appreciate your
forward thinking, Constable,
but this is neither the time
nor the town
to conduct these outlandish
social experiments.
Do what you must
to obtain a confession.
Aye.
I can try her
on the stronger stuff,
but if she comes good,
she'd better be making herself
useful.
Can't guarantee it'll work.
Never does.
Mm.
- (GASPS)
- (CHILDREN GASP)
Mm. It's more effective
than I thought.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
(PANTING)
JUDY: Where am I?
Heretics' camp.
Are you to kill me?
Kill you? (CHUCKLES)
If it hadn't been for these
small 'uns,
you'd be dead already.
Do you remember
what happened to you?
Do you know how you come
to be all mashed up, half-dead
and buried in a hole
in the middle of the forest?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING ECHOES)
GIRL: Them theatre people,
they eat different stuff.
WOMAN: How come if she's so
fancy she's not more famous?
What's she doing
in old dingy Seaside?
I'll tell you
what she's doing in Seaside.
Her ma and her pa owned
that manor she lives in
on the edge of the forest.
They bred like fucking rabbits.
There was a whole big bunch
of them.
And the whole load of them
was wiped out by a plague
when Judy was just a little 'un.
Left behind just her
and the two servants,
who had to raise her up.
And then one day,
Punch passed through town
with his magic show
or whatever it was he was doing.
Charmed the pants off everyone,
especially her.
So she ran away with him,
learned puppets,
and they travelled all over
and they got sure and famous.
They even had a show
in the big smoke and everything.
But it all went bottoms up
when that arse-worm husband
couldn't control his boozing...
..or his temper.
And they got booted out
of near every town.
Flat broke
when he knocked her up.
So they had to slink back here,
tails 'tween legs.
He thinks
he's too good for Seaside.
I'd say he pretty much
fits right in.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(FAINT GROWLING)
(GROWLING)
(HEARTBEAT)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(CHOPPING)
(WOMEN CHATTER)
(SCOFFS)
(DISCORDANT VIOLIN MUSIC)
WOMAN: Morning, Judy.
Are you alright?
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Morning, puppet lady.
This lady's got a real problem
staying awake.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
I thought your puppet show
was pure dead brilliant,
the way you made them puppets
come to life, like,
and that double somersault,
and all them explosions
at the end.
I didn't quite like one bit,
though.
Does that little punchy guy
always win?
Given he done so many
beastly things!
He won't be winning anymore.
What?
He won't be winning anymore
because I'm going to kill him.
(GASPS)
This place is good, but.
Ain't no-one gonna stone us
to death!
I'm gonna steal me
a full-sized horse soon,
and then have everything I need
for the rest of my damn life.
Once you get cast out,
you can't go back, you know.
(GATE CREAKS)
Hurry up!
- (PUNCH MUTTERS)
- Brought you some supplies.
- (MUTTERS)
- Over there.
Sausages,
sausages.
Sausages.
Ah, a carrot.
And the stuff
of greatest import.
Lots of folk at McDrinky's
send their regards.
There's a couple of gentlemen
in town from the big smoke.
They was asking 'bout when
the next show was scheduled.
Did they give names?
What did they look like?
Them's a lot of questions. Which
one do you want me to answer?
(BANGS) Answer them all, woman!
I'm sorry, Poll.
But they could be scouts.
Now, please,
think very clearly
and tell me exactly
what they looked like.
POLLY: Well...
..one was kind of medium
in height,
not too fair, not too dark.
The other was pretty much
the same as the first.
And they both wore
real nice clothing,
both looked to be
very serious-like,
and they both had pencils.
Pencils?
Only scouts have pencils.
Scouts for sure!
Oh, God.
What's the matter?
They're here to see my show
and now that Judy has been
so brutally taken from me,
I don't rightly have a show
to show them.
Damn it!
This was my ticket out.
(GRUNTS)
Maybe I could help.
I've not got any experience
with puppets,
but I'd sure be grateful
for the opportunity
to learn the ins and outs
of theatre.
I can sing and dance a little.
And I've always been mad keen
to learn the trombone.
Alright, alright.
Time is of the essence.
We gotta get you mastering
them marionette strings.
We can discuss trombones
at a later date.
(LAUGHS)
(BONES CRACK)
(GRUNTS)
Best you get that revengey look
off your face.
It doesn't suit you.
I think you know that.
Ain't going to do no good
you charging back there,
killing him.
I have to go back.
I can't let him get away
with it. It isn't right.
(SCOFFS) Since when does what's
right make any difference?
What do you think we're all
doing out here? Hm?
You think we're out here because
what's right is important
to anyone in that town?
Every one of us is wanted for
some made-up reason or other.
Most done nothing to warrant it.
We gotta let it go,
let it all go,
let all of it go, all of it.
Everything we had
before we were cast out.
Just keep moving forward
and hope the rest of the world
catches up.
What do you think's
gonna happen,
you go traipsing
back into town
ranting and raving?
They already think you're dead,
and now suddenly you're not.
That's gonna make you a witch
or some kind of devil
in their eyes for sure.
Doesn't matter what you say,
don't matter
what actually happened.
You'll wind up dead.
All of us heretics
are moving soon.
So you've got a choice to make.
You can stick with us,
forget Seaside,
or leave now.
If I don't go back, he wins.
I have to run away.
I have to leave my home.
He wins.
(GROANS)
I just said a whole lot of
important stuff just then.
Were you even listening?
Forget about him.
Forget about all of them.
You can't fix that town.
Use your smarts.
Assuming you even got any.
You can't hunch her over
like you would the maid.
This one's built proud
and upright.
You have to keep
a straight spine with her
or you won't get the right
movements through her arms.
Relax the arms
and get her straight
through the spine!
She'll tangle again
if you pull up so quickly.
This puppet is broken, Punch!
I'm telling you,
it won't do a thing right!
- (CLATTER)
- Hey!
You can't be dropping
the puppets.
They're mighty delicate.
If you break this one's face,
I'll be tempted to break yours!
You're of simple mind.
You're a simple-minded dimwit!
You've got to listen
when I tell you things.
Unless you get this show right,
you'll be stuck in Seaside
whoring yourself out to
stinking Welshmen for eternity.
I might not be as smart as you,
Punch,
but it don't take a big brain
to know it was Judy who held
this show together anyways.
I'm sorry. (SOBS)
(SCREAMS)
(SOBS)
(SHOUTS)
Pull yourself together, woman.
I've had an idea.
(MEN LAUGH)
Constable Fairbrother, you've
just missed the announcement.
Announcement?
You'll be relieved to hear
that a full confession
has been elicited
from both prisoners
and an announcement made
that they shall hang
before the month is out.
I would have thought
I should be asked to attend,
given my position as constable.
Oh, never mind that.
No doubt you had
more important matters
to concern yourself with.
The ruffians are more than
experienced
in the taking of confessions.
And an announcement already...?
It all seems rather hasty to me,
Mr Frankly.
No need to worry, Constable.
The townsfolk are relieved
to have them off the streets.
Er, perhaps there's some
redecorating you could do
in the watch house.
(MEN SNIGGER)
(SNIGGERS) Constable.
LEONARD COHEN: And who by fire
Who by water
Who in the sunshine
Who in the night-time
Who by high ordeal
Who by common trial
Who in your merry, merry
month of May
Who by very slow decay
And who
Shall I say
Is calling
And who in her lonely slip
Who by barbiturate
Who in these realms of love
Who by something blunt
Who by avalanche
Who by powder
Who for his greed
Who for his hunger
And who
Shall I say
Is calling
And who by brave assent
Who by accident
Who in solitude
Who in this mirror
Who by his lady's command
Who by his own hand
Who in mortal chains
Who in power
And who
Shall I say
Is calling?
(YELLS)
(CHEERING)
Legs and feet in the left box.
Hands and arms in the right.
Jumble the extremities -
I'll cut off your head.
Come on, now.
It's a hand!
Judy!
Drink?
To celebrate new beginnings.
(CHUCKLES)
(DISTANT CONVERSATIONS)
WOMAN: Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Oh, good evening,
Law Enforcement.
A fine night, isn't it?
So still and pleasant.
A drink on the eve
of your hanging,
as is customary?
Oh, that's nice, that is.
Thank you.
I don't rightly mind a nip
before bedtime.
It puts one's troubles at ease.
Thank you, thank you very much.
For you, Maude?
Sleep evading you, is it,
Law Enforcement?
It's not a trouble I've had
before.
If one thing ever came easy to
me, it was a good slumber.
But the simple pleasure is
totally eluding me now.
Oh. Well, sit, sit.
I've had patches of restlessness
like that myself, young man.
Oh, yes.
When you've lived
as long as I have,
you've come
to realise the cause.
When things tilt off
in a way they shouldn't,
when the world gets crooked,
and it has no choice
but to right itself -
Yes, that's when it's hard
to slumber.
I feel it too.
Someone is close
to rousing the Devil.
(MUTTERS) The greatest
puppeteer of his generation,
the greatest puppeteer
of his generation.
(EXHALES)
Pass that bottle, Poll.
Punch is a touch nervy tonight.
Are you sure that's a bright
idea, Punch, darling?
Well, you're full of opinions
suddenly, aren't you?
I just don't know that
I got a good feeling
about this plan of yours.
If I were you,
I'd be expending my energy
making sure you don't turn
the night into a fiasco!
If you had any talent,
if you had any talent,
maybe I wouldn't have to be
having this idea.
But talent scouts
are in the talent business!
They're looking for one thing -
talent!
And you, my dear,
got none!
I...
Roll up, roll up,
dearest audience!
Sit your arses on a seat
instead of sitting on the fence!
(HUBBUB)
Put your money in the tin
if you want to see the puppets.
The show will begin...
They let you out of
the whorehouse, then?
(WOMEN LAUGH)
..momentarily.
Take off your corset
and I'll give you a penny!
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER)
You quit your job
at the cathouse, Poll?
Or is this just a sideline?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
All... (EXHALES)
All the way from the big smoke
Mr Punch has come
with brand-new puppets
that Mr Punch has brung.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
More lifelike are these puppets
than any you've yet seen.
You'll wonder how it's possible
to make...
Your regulars will miss ya
if you run away with the circus,
Poll!
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
And now for the puppet
extravaganza!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,
the greatest puppeteer
of his time -
Professor Punch!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Here within we now begin
the history of Punch.
So dark it is and full of woe,
you may just lose your lunch.
(TAPS)
(CROWD MUTTERS)
There's people claim
their show's the best,
their puppets great and tall...
But Punch's
lifelike puppet show
is the punchiest of them all!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- The scouts are in.
- I saw them.
Just hang on to them handles,
that's all you gotta do.
OK, bring her in.
VERDI: RIGOLETTO, ACT II -
SCORRENDO UNITI REMOTA VIA
WOMAN: Are they...
OK, you.
Get moving.
Get over there and whack her.
- (CROWD BOOS)
- MAN: Judy!
WOMAN: What?
Money back!
Get your one moving.
Mine one's stuck.
(WHISPERS) Flea, darling...
Psst! Darling.
Get over there, do something.
PUNCH: OK, now whack her.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- Not that hard.
PUNCH: Hey! Stop that! Hey!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Fuck!
They're fighting for real!
Hey, stop it! Stop it, you two!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
I'll stop them.
Stop it! Stop fighting now!
Stop it!
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Come on over here, pretty Polly,
and show us your real talents!
- (CROWD LAUGHS)
- Someone's angry!
(CHEERING)
(GLASS BREAKS)
(SOBBING)
(MAN CRIES)
Are you alright?
(MAN WEEPS)
(STUTTERS) Yes, fine.
I...I'm fine.
Why do you ask?
Because you're weeping.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.
You've mistaken my laughter
for tears is all.
If you laugh,
others will laugh with you.
If you stop laughing, you die.
(WEEPS)
See you at the hanging.
(WEEPS)
There's to be a hanging?
Has your head
been buried underground
these past few weeks?
They're hanging
the two old servants,
Maude and Scaramouche,
what killed Punch's wife
and wee baby.
(WEEPS)
And when are they set to hang?
First up tomorrow, of course.
I prefer a good witch burning
myself.
I suppose they've got
to mix it up a bit...
..save us all
from getting bored.
(WEEPS)
(HORSE SNORTS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Hey. Shh, shh, shh.
Hey.
Where did you come from?
(TWIG SNAPS)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(FAINT WHISPERING)
(FAINT WHISPERING)
(DISTANT HOWLING)
Who's there?
(HOWLING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RATTLING)
(EERIE WHISTLE)
(FAINT WHISPER) Hello, Punch...
Just the wind, Punch.
It's just the wind.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(GASPS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Where are you?
(EERIE WHISPER)
(VOICES OVERLAP) I'm right here.
Over here.
I'm your friend.
Over here.
Don't be scared.
I have a proposition for you.
(GASPS) Leave me!
I've no business with ya.
Why don't you torment
someone else?
- Boo!
- (SCREAMS)
(PUNCH BREATHES HEAVILY)
(RASPY VOICE) Punch...
Who are you?
The Devil knows
what you've done, Punch!
And the Devil is much enamoured
of your work.
I don't know what you've heard,
but it isn't true.
So impressed is he that the
Devil wants you on his team.
- (THUNDER BOOMS)
- (SCREAMS)
He wants you to join with him
in the down below.
What do you say, Punch?
Want to team up with the Devil?
I'm just a puppeteer, sir.
I'm just a puppeteer.
You'd have no use of me
in the down below.
You have blood in your house!
- You have blood in your house!
- Stop it! (SOBS)
What do I have to do?
Tell me what to do!
You have blood in your house!
- Please, just stop!
- You have blood in your house.
Do you want to go to Heaven
or do you want to go to Hell?
Heaven?
Only good men go to Heaven.
Are you a good man, Punch?
I can't hear you!
- Are you a good man?!
- Yes.
- Louder!
- Yes.
Yes, I'm a good man.
Then you must right your wrongs.
Confess to the people, Punch.
Tell the people
what you've done.
Only you can fix
this mess you've made.
Can you do that, Punch?
Can you right your wrongs?
I can.
Because if you do not,
I will come back for you
and I will not show you the
mercy I've shown you tonight.
- (THUNDER BOOMS)
- (GASPS)
(PANTING)
(HORSE SNORTS)
(DISTANT CHEERING)
ALL: Singing
"Bide, lady, bide
Your lust for me won't hide
This dusty smith
will be your love
So lay aside your pride"
So lady she turned
into a horse
Dark as the night is black
So he became a hairy saddle
for to ride onto her back
Singing
"Bide, lady, bide"...
(SINGING FADES)
I was riding over
from far as what I've seen
Feel me riding home again
Home on a valiant steed
I was wandering by
Far in an open field
I...
Waking all alone again
Riding in my sleep
Waiting for the time,
my friend
Gaily circling
Feel me riding home again
Far in an open field
See me riding home again
Far as what I feel
Ah-ah
Ah-ah...
MA: Scotty!
Why are you still awake?
Should get some sleep.
We got the big move tomorrow.
- Ma...
- Yeah?
Where are we even going?
I don't know, Scotty.
We'll find somewhere.
We always do.
Do you think one day we might
not have to move anymore?
I'd like to just live somewhere
proper.
I was riding over, friend
Far as what I see
Feel me riding home again
Home on a valiant steed
All is still
till day turns night
Far on an open field
And I'll be riding home
till I'm
Far as what I feel
Ah-ah
Ah-ah.
PREACHER: And you shall fear
the Almighty,
for the Almighty Lord
has come for you today.
(CROWD CHEERS)
And we will be rid
of the filth!
- (CHEERING)
- Of the vermin!
The vile, the unholy, ungodly!
The incarnations of the Devil
will hang!
- (WILD CHEERING)
- Yes, yes, yes!
Come on.
(BLOWS HORN)
Right.
(SILENCE)
Good people of Seaside,
in our continuing effort
to rid this land
of those marked by the Devil,
we present these two heathens.
(CROWD BOOS)
Two who have worked in unison
to commit an act
of unspeakable violence
and whose necks will be
snapped on account of it!
(CHEERING)
Thank you, sir.
And now I call on Mr Punch,
the aggrieved victim
in these here circumstances,
to deliver his final statement.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you kindly, Frankly.
MAN: You're our man, Punch!
(CLEARS THROAT)
CROWD: Shh, shh.
My friends...
..these two who stand before you
on the gallows...
..these two...
..these two...
..did not kill my wife
and child.
(CROWD GASPS AND EXCLAIMS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
People of Seaside...
People of Seaside...
MAN: We love you, Punch!
- (CHEERING)
- MAN: Seaside loves you, Punch!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Mr Punch!
(WILD CHEERING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FADE)
These two who stand before you
did not kill my wife and child.
They are mere conduits
for the work of the Devil!
(CHEERING)
And it is the Devil we confront
in the act of their hanging.
CROWD: Yeah!
These two infidels
know not what they do!
They are representatives
of His evil ways
and in the act of their hanging,
we say to the Devil, "No!"
CROWD: No!
We, the people of Seaside,
are stronger than you!
CROWD: Yes!
We, the people of Seaside,
will eradicate you!
CROWD: Yes!
- So hang they must!
- CROWD: Yes!
WOMAN: Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
(CHEERING)
And as I am the man
who has had his family
so brutally taken from him,
I should have the privilege
of dropping them
to their deaths.
(CHEERING)
I stand before you,
a proud resident of Seaside,
the greatest puppeteer
of my generation!
(CHEERING)
Father to a murdered daughter,
husband to a murdered wife,
and I will have my vengeance
in this life or the next.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Good dying!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(MAUDE SOBS)
Good dying!
(CROWD MUTTERS)
(CONFUSED MUTTERING)
Someone's tampered
with the hang ropes.
(CROWD MURMURS)
(RUMBLING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Witches!
- (CROWD GASPS)
- MAN: What's going on?
- WOMAN: Look over there.
- (ALL GASP)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SCREAMING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
- Get her!
- Stop right there.
(CROWD MURMURS)
(GASPS)
Hands in the air.
(PUNCH GASPS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(PUNCH BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
I am no witch.
This man here, my husband,
killed my baby
and tried to kill me.
- (SHOCKED MURMURS)
- MAN: Terrible!
It seems to me something
is very wrong with this town.
You kill and cast out
your best souls!
Here you are
trying to off two of
the kindliest, gentlest folk
this town has ever known.
And based on what?
A suspicion?
A false accusation by this man?
You've all been sick as pigs
since you cast out Dr Goodtime
with her medicines and such.
You're all dressed
like hobo street monkeys
since you chased sartorial Alice
here into the forest.
You call us witches,
but what is a witch
but a person who sits
just outside your blinkered view
of the world.
And by that reckoning,
you should all be afraid.
Because I know
you all live daily
with the fear
of your own difference.
Today the witch is me...
..but I think you all know,
you all fear,
that tomorrow
the witch might be you!
No great crime
should go unpunished.
I'll not continue to stand aside
and watch you lauded.
You are a puppeteer no more,
Punch.
My sweet and talented wife...
(GRUNTS)
- (THUD!)
- (CROWD GASPS)
(PUNCH SCREAMS)
(EXHALES)
(CLATTER)
(PEACEFUL HARP MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUTTERS FEVERISHLY)
Shh! I've told you.
Hello!
Where's the rest of ya?
Are you the only ones?
Well, you'll have to do.
Without further ado,
ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
I am the Professor,
and this is
the Punch and Judy show!
This is the Punch and Judy show!
(LAUGHS) That's better.
(CANNED AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
Here within is the story.
It's a very violent story,
with a great many interesting
characters, including...
..Punch,
and Judy!
(MUMBLES)
(MUMBLES AND GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(CONTINUES MUMBLING
AND GRUNTING)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
(MAJESTIC MUSIC)
SONG: Life
Life is life
Life
Life is life
When we all give the power
We all get the best
Every minute in the hour
We don't think about the rest
When we all get the power
We all give the best
When everyone gives everything
Then every soul
Every soul will get life
Life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
When we all feel the power
Life is life
We all feel the pain
Life is life
It's the feeling of the people
Life is life
It's the feeling of the land
Oh-oh
When we all get the power
We all get the best
Every minute in the hour
We don't think about the rest
When we all give the power
We all give the best
When everyone gives everything
And every soul
Every soul will get
Life
Oh, life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
Life
We're glad that it's over
We thought it would last
Every minute of the future
Is a memory of the past
'Cause we gave all the power
We gave all the best
And everyone lost everything
And perished with the rest
Life
Oh, life is life
Oh, life
Life is life
Life
Life is life
Life
Is
Life.
BACH: AIR ON A G STRING