Kali Karate: The 2nd Beginning (2023) Movie Script

[synthesizer music]
This is the greatest
comeback story of all time.
The rise and fall
and rise again.
-Do I look good?
-[Paul] You look great.
Do I look rich?
Of one of the greatest
warriors/action stars
that has ever walked
on this planet.
["hi-ya" sound bite]
[waves crashing]
A dimensional traveler
who will never die.
A spirit who's a true SENSAI.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
-[announcer echoing]
Kali Karate!
The 2nd Beginning!
[upbeat music]
SENSAI Houston.
The 2nd Beginning!
I can't be stopped!
I am the chosen one!
[scream fading]
[turtles kid]
I like turtles!
SENSAI Houston here.
How's it going,
fans across the world?
Looks like I made it.
[laughs] Am I right?
A lot of people said that I
blackmailed my way to the top.
That's not true, okay?
All I did was
I videotaped someone
doing something in secret,
and then I threatened to release
that video unless they paid
for my talk show.
[sighs] Yeah, yeah.
I'm the guy that, uh,
SENSAI's blackmailing.
I'm a family man for God's sake.
I'm a successful businessman.
I'm gonna let this guy
ruin my life? I don't think so.
Listen, that's the world
these days, okay?
You got to take advantage
of opportunities.
And you gotta take advantage
of people.
Especially rich people.
I'm rich as shit now and I got
no qualms about any of that.
-Why do I always have to do
your dirty dishes?
-From now on, from this month,
you paying my rent!
-I'm not gonna pay your rent!
-What are you talking about?
-Now, why should I do
your dirty dishes for free?
Because I'm gonna use
the dishes again!
That's why I don't do it
'cause if I'm--
-We share!
-Listen-- You're--
So you wash every time!
You're embarrassing me!
Hello, my name is Shu Luan.
In Chinese,
it means pretty orchid.
My mother had high hope.
-Oh, yeah? Okay?
I'm drawing the line here.
You know,
you are the worst roommate.
You don't wash the dishes
and you always have somebody
coming in and going out
like a caf or, you know,
a restaurant or something.
-There's no cleanliness, okay?
-Sorry, sorry I hang out
with a lot of women. [laughs]
Sorry a lot of women come over.
[laughs mockingly]
Look at the quality
of the women, you know?
[laughs] Yeah, "woman."
If you can call her that.
I'm ready to rock and roll.
I'm ready to, to make
the greatest action talk show
that this world has ever seen
because they've never seen
anything like this before.
I will bet you money on that.
[action synth-pop music]
-[SENSAI in VO] On the season
premiere of Beach Kumite.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
SENSAI must kill everyone
in order to survive.
["hi-ya" sound bite]
[kung fu action grunts]
Finish him!
[distorted laughter]
[leopard roaring]
[register dings]
Tomorrow may never come.
So kill today.
[rock music]
I'm standing here outside
the home of SENSAI Houston.
Houston is the star of the new
action series Beach Kumite.
We've just received word that
the series has been canceled
after only one episode
due to allegations
of sexual misconduct
between himself
and a network producer's wife.
It's been quite
the roller-coaster year
for the SENSAI.
He lost three consecutive fights
by disqualification
to seven-time world champion
Peter "Sugarfoot" Cunningham.
We were lucky enough to get
Mr. Cunningham's thoughts
on the matter.
Y-- You be sitting there,
you know what I'm saying?
Things, things are going good.
He's scratching your eye.
And when he gets you inside,
watch your ass.
You think, "Well, I'm close.
[beep] can't reach
and scratch my eye,"
and he'll grab your dick.
He grabbed my dick!
Huh? If-- I can barely see.
Where you at?
Sometimes you stand there
you go, "Ooh, what's that?"
'Cause, you get-- you know,
you think somebody grabbing
your dick.
Because you remember,
that-- it's trauma.
The real question is,
how will SENSAI pivot from this?
Live reporting,
I'm Leslie Green.
[news theme music]
[action synth-pop music]
SENSAI produced and financed
a self-defense series
with his student Coen Mahoney.
Get the fuck out of here!
Ahead of its time
and way too good,
it unfortunately bankrupted
both of them.
[fire crackles]
Coen hasn't really
been talking to me lately. Um...
We had a disagreement on money.
He's got a new girlfriend
which doesn't help.
One two. One two, one two.
Hey, everyone!
Yes, I am so excited to,
uh, get working on the talk show
and hopefully make
some of this money back
that SENSAI has lost me
in the past.
Um, that's all right.
And I'm actually working
on my PSA segments as we speak,
so I think it's gonna be a
really great thing. I really do.
SENSAI, uh, he's promised me
a, a full DJ booth.
[grunts softly]
Are you getting that?
-[Paul] Yeah, I got it.
-Is it focused?
-Oh, yeah.
-You sure it's focused?
Yeah, for some reason,
this must be
a, a, a close-up lens.
It's looking kind of small.
-No, nothing.
-Then change the f--
-You look great.
-Change the fucking lens then.
-You look great.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
-We've already agreed
that Spike is going
to direct the show.
And then I'm just gonna pay him.
[Paul] So how did you get
involved with the,
the at-risk teen program?
Well I didn't get involved
with it. It wasn't my choice.
They just had me do it
after some bullshit happened.
I now have
a troubled teen youth program
for young little kids
who, uh, don't know how
to live in the world
by themselves
and they need uh, a role model
to help them get through life.
I stabbed my dad with a fork
or whatever. It was plastic,
but it was a strong one,
so it's just like whatever.
It's better
to be alive than dead.
We're having a bunch of meetings
with producers today.
Just about talent...
...that I'm gonna bring on
with the show.
I'm just gonna-- I will handle
all the payments for everybody.
[SENSAI over radio]
Yeah guys, I mean,
listen, in a perfect world
-the talk show's gonna be
a major hit, right?
-[radio host] Uh-huh.
It's gonna bring
a lot of eyes back on to me
-so I can
bring Beach Kumite back.
-[radio host] That'd be awesome.
And with, uh, Beach Kumite
back on the air,
um, I can definitely
get my ex-wife Jessica back
because listen, guys,
no matter how many times
you fuck up in life...
-[radio host] Uh-huh.
-...women don't care.
It, it, it just depends on how
successful you are, you know?
-[radio host] Right.
-[SENSAI] So anyway,
tune in this Wednesday.
Uh, the season premiere
is coming out.
We have Muay Thai champ,
uh, Vinny Fam.
-Uh, opening up the season.
-[radio host] We know Vinny Fam.
So, uh, yeah,
it's gonna be a banger.
[radio host]
All right,
you heard him, listeners.
Check out SENSAI's new show,
the Kali Karate Show,
dropping this Wednesday
at 8:00 p.m.
We'd love to see SENSAI
back with Jessica obviously.
They're a powerful couple.
Jessica, just pick up
my phone calls, okay?
I really, really want
to see you and I want
to see the kids, okay?
And I, I have
my own talk show now.
And I'm making a lot of money.
I want to support you guys.
Now in my life,
I know I wasn't in the past,
but now the idea of monogamy
sounds doable.
And it sounds like
it could maybe work out.
Shortly after his divorce,
SENSAI started recording
hot tracks
because he is a true romantic.
His songs are sexual,
and heavily Jessica-inspired.
And we rapping and we rocking
And we doing the popping
Because we're rocking
The streets
Yeah, we're doing the beats
And I got my, my friend Shu
And she's gonna stab you
And we gonna do this
Like we should've
always done this
'90s beats, hip-hop streets
Because we running this
And we running the streets
I got Kali Karate,
SENSAI Houston and Shu
Yeah, we're doing this
And you know what we do
Because we in the streets
That's what I'm talking about,
That's what I'm talking about,
That's what I'm talking about,
That's what I'm talking about,
SENSAI Houston is
some kind of guardian angel.
Yeah, I was at this party
and this group of five guys
jumped me, man.
Five to one!
I don't know where the hell
he came from,
but SENSAI Houston
came out of nowhere
and whipped all five of these
guys' asses like it was nothing.
Like it was nothing. Man, I
wouldn't be here talking to you
right now if it wasn't
for SENSAI Houston.
[action funk music]
["ha" sound bite]
[timer beeping]
[sound bite man]
We came here to battle!
[electronic voice]
Round One. Go!
And fucking action or whatever.
[heart beating]
Introducing the undisputed
world champion!
SENSAI Houston!
[8-bit music]
[8-bit music]
[SENSAI sighs]
Okay, so today
we have Vinny Fam.
[cheers and applause]
He is the IFS...
[electronic musical sting]
...Welterweight Champion.
-Muay Thai, correct?
Vinny, I mean,
we go back a lo-- a long way.
Right? Remember when I used
to spar with you and I used,
I used to teach you all those--
-[Ethan knocking]
[gasp sound bite]
-Hey, SENSAI. Hey.
-[SENSAI] What? What's up?
-[Ethan] How are you?
-Good, what's going on?
It's, uh, it's 11:20.
Our appointment?
-For, uh--
-Oh, fuck!
I literally called you
to confirm last night.
-And I'm literally in the middle
of my own fucking talk show.
-This would be strike three.
Okay, and I'm about to strike
you once if you don't get
the fuck out of my face.
-Okay, I'll call you.
-[Ethan] It's three grand,
I'm just telling you.
-Three grand? For what?
-Yes! We had
two sessions a week.
-No, I'm not paying you shit!
-That's three grand.
It's three grand.
-[echoing] Three grand,
three grand, three grand.
[heart beating rapidly]
So why did you pick Muay Thai
out of all
the martial arts forms?
Uh, you know what?
I first started striking.
The first time I ever jumped
in the ring I jumped in.
I had my mitt man Steve D.L.P.
-Fuck that guy.
-[laughs nervously] Uh...
-Uh, yeah, um--
Read about SENSAI Houston's
road to success
in our first ever comic book
SENSAI Houston: The Beginning.
Did you cut your fucking nails
like I asked you to?
-No. I can go like that. Okay.
-[SENSAI] No, it looks stupid.
-[exclamation sound bite]
-You ever shit your pants before
a fight 'cause you're so scared?
[chuckles nervously]
-[chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause I see
how Steve's been teaching you
and he's teaching you
very straight on, one angle.
I'm, I teach hundreds of angles.
Uh, Steve's just a little...
He's a little full of himself.
I can make you world champion.
-[cheers and applause]
-Uh. Yeah.
-[Coen] I agree.
[8-bit music]
-He's my star pupil.
-Got it.
-Got it, and how long
have you guys been training?
-That's none of your business.
-[exclamation sound bite]
-[coughs] Excuse me.
Is there anything
that you've had to give up?
Yeah, there was
a lot of sacrifice, you know?
-[Ethan mumbles]
-I had to, uh,
time away from, uh,
-you know, the kids.
-So you like having kids?
-Uh, yeah,
I love having kids, yeah.
-You gonna get your kids--
-[Coen] That's inspiring, Vinny.
-Okay, are you host?
-You know?
-Have you ever been badly hurt?
-Uh, yeah, like I said,
I tore my meniscus
in my last fight and--
-[Vinny] Yeah.
[coughs] I've seen a lot
of people with meniscus issues.
-[oohing sound bite]
-Uh, it's the left knee?
Yeah, it was the left knee.
-[SENSAI] Ethan.
-[Ethan] Doing good now?
-Ethan! Ethan!
-Doing pretty good?
-Can you...?
-Oh. Yeah.
-Well, I'll give you
my card. And--
-Okay, Ethan,
what the f-- why'd you like--
Dude, come on, man.
-I was--
-You're in the middle
of my talk show.
-I'm asking a question.
-You have a business.
-Yeah. What's your business?
None of my, none of my business,
I guess, but--
No, I'm good.
We can end this early.
-And I'll pay you for half.
-Do you have Venmo?
-Yeah, I'm on Venmo.
So we'll do the full,
full cost of 300.
I can't find you on here.
It's-- I'll do it later.
No, no, you've literally
paid me before.
-Yeah, phone's frozen.
-Buy my book!
[scoffs] It's, it's not frozen.
I can see the screen, dude.
-Alright, fucking pay yourself.
-[Coen] You can
use mine, SENSAI.
-Shut up, Coen.
For true legal purposes,
I'm gonna need you
to press okay.
-Okay, good, see?
-Thank you.
I'm gonna decline that later.
-[Ethan] Sorry about that.
-[Spike] Watch the mic.
-Watch the mic!
-It's not my fucking job, Spike!
Jesus fucking Christ.
-Want me to get my card?
-Okay, just go!
-Coen, can you
open the door for him?
All right.
Can we get a photo of this?
You can s--
It's okay, we'll get--
Just stand right... [stutters]
Back up a little bit?
Right there.
[bell rings]
[lively music]
-[moan sound bite]
People are always trying
to use me.
[triumphant video game music]
Hey, uh, before we do this,
real quick,
can you just sign this
c-- video consent form?
A lot of papers
for a video consent.
-A hundred--
-That's okay, just sign
right at that back page.
That looks like
the fight contract
you made me sign, SENSAI!
Okay, Coen, shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry for cursing at you.
"I, Vinny Fam, will pay 70%--"
-[camera shutter clicks]
-[echoing] "I, Vinny Fam,
will pay 70%--"
-To SENSAI Houston.
-[jackpot ringing]
-My per--
-Okay, that's fine.
We'll just, uh, we'll,
we'll take care of this after.
-Steve's a bum.
-That's my coach.
And I'm a SENSAI.
Let's see what you got.
So what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna step in
with the jab cross up top
raising SENSAI's guard.
It will leave the body exposed.
-I will left hook
to the liver...
-[groaning sound bite]
...dropping the guard,
going back up top.
Cross hook.
Finishing off leg kick.
That would never work.
That's just such a-- Okay.
-Okay, let's go.
-Okay, now we're gonna go
real speed and...
Oh, fucking asshole! Oh, God!
-[electronic voice] Game over.
-[SENSAI] Oh, shit,
where did that hit?
-I'll walk you out, thanks
for coming. You were great.
Don't worry about him,
he's a piece of shit.
After everything
I've done for you.
And now, uh,
let's listen to Coen's segment
of the show.
-And now for our PSA of the day,
animal cruel--
[somber piano music]
I feel so bad for him.
He has so many wives and kids.
I called all my wives to see if
any of my kids wanted to come.
Hey, Ruby. Stacy. Laura.
Hey, Shanai. Jessica, please
pick up my fucking phone calls.
-[kids giggling]
-Argh! Are we rolling?
Oh, okay, yeah. Um, so, you
know, I love, I love my kids.
Silent Wolf!
Max, Maximus! Maximus!
Maximus! Maximus!
You know, when you have kids,
you legally have
to keep them alive.
And when you don't believe
in condoms or pulling out,
this is what you get, you know?
-[cheers and applause]
-This week on Beach Kumite.
Too much cocaine?
What has he gotten himself into?
Everyone must die.
Who's better, mommy or daddy?
-Hey, hey.
-What? What'd you say?
-Mommy. Mommy.
So gotta put food on the table,
right? Stop it! Stop it!
Stop, sit up here.
They brighten up my day.
So I don't know where I'd be
without them.
Probably a lot richer. [laughs]
A lot more free,
you know? But...
...it is what it is.
And, you know.
Child support sucks
You already know
Already know
I'm spitting hot fire
People love my hot dog
Call me Oscar Mayer
I'll catch you on fire
You better stay away
Or you'll catch on fire
Catch on fire
Hey, my name is Joey Thompson.
I'm a comedian, uh...
...as you can tell
by this casting couch
I'm doing very well.
-[laughter sound bite]
-Uh, so the way
I met SENSAI Houston,
I do this stand-up character
named Barry McGuthry Jr.
It's like this southern guy
and people don't know
if it's real or fake.
I'm at a stand-up open mic.
He marches on stage
under the name SENSAI Houston.
He's, he's wearing this gi,
this full gi the whole time,
and he starts complaining
about his divorces and his kids.
Uh, at one point,
he starts crying
and I'm like, "This guy is,
like, going for it."
[somber music]
SENSAI decided to visit
his son Landon
who he hasn't spoken to
in three years.
Landon happens to work at his
loser stepdad Kevin's Poke Bar,
who also happens
to be Jessica's new husband.
I'm here to get my kid back.
[doorbell rings]
For the record,
SENSAI completely forgot
that Kevin had
a restraining order against him.
-Hey, what's going on?
-[Kevin] No!
-Hey, brah.
-[SENSAI] What's up?
-What's up, pops?
-Good to see you, man.
How you been?
-Why aren't you picking up
my phone calls, huh?
-[Kevin] Hey!
-Oh, you wanna go?
-Hey! You have a res...
[sound bite man]
You want to fight? Boy?
-...training order. Hey!
-You wanna go?
[action rock music]
-Argh! That's what
I'm talking about.
Why haven't you picked up my--
Oh, shit!
[action rock music resumes]
You motherfucker!
You motherfucker!
You motherfucker!
You're gonna fucking
make me some poke, bitch!
You're gonna make me some poke,
you motherfucker!
-[grunt sound bite]
-[groans softly] Fuck.
-[Landon] Gross.
You know beer has got
the best protein to carbs ratio?
-It's good to see you.
-It's been three years.
I know, time's flown by.
You got a lot bigger.
You know that that guy's
not your real dad, right?
You came from my balls.
You're my son, okay?
Just because he pays your bills
and, you know,
takes care of your mom,
and gives you a job,
and, you know,
is there for you emotionally
and supportive,
doesn't mean he's your dad.
I'm your dad, okay?
-Now I've got my own talk show.
-Oh, you got your own talk show?
I got my own talk show now.
I want you to come
to the talk show.
-I called, I called your mom.
I have my own talk show.
Oh, your mom-- I'm famous now.
You're about to see me
on billboards.
You're about to see me
all over the place.
Car wraps.
[scoffs] What? You're not gonna
be on any car wraps.
Yeah, people are gonna get
car wraps of me.
All right, well,
I can't bullshit anymore.
I gotta get outta here.
It's good to see you.
I want you to stop
by the show, okay?
If you're free, I'd like
for you to come by sometime.
Listen, I love you. Okay?
You're the best.
I love you. I love you so much.
"I love you too, Dad!"
that guy's a douchebag.
I'm your dad.
Tell him I said thanks
for the beer!
Thanks for the beer.
And thanks for the spar se--
Okay, fuck you too, man.
I'm out of here. Let's go.
He recommends this bar
'cause he knows the bartender
who I would later find out
was one of his ex's
or, or something.
But we're, we're chatting it up
and I'm like,
"Dude, that was so great
and refreshing."
And he doesn't take
his sunglasses off at any point.
Now, let me tell you. Women...
Not the kind of women
you bring in here.
-They're beautiful,
what are you talking about?
-They're beautiful? [laughs]
-Yeah, they're beautiful.
Hey, hello! [laughs]
You need to double check
your vision. [laughs]
I mean, even my age, my look,
I can surpass them, okay?
Other than my boobs. [laughs]
Yeah, they, they only got boobs.
That's all you want.
They have-- No, they have hearts
too. They're, they're--
-[stutters] Do you know what
they are that you're not?
-Yeah, right.
-They're good listeners.
-They listen.
-They-- No, they don't listen!
They just want to come in
and have you do your things.
-Did you, did you lock the door?
-Yeah, that's that.
-You're pissing me off.
-Unlock the door so I can leave.
-I told you.
He, he was showing me
how to gouge
someone's, uh,
fucking eyes out, so.
Best thing that you can have
in a street fight is a sword.
[action synth-pop music]
No questions asked.
Ahh! [laughs]
No chance of surviving
after that.
Die! Die! Die, die!
Die, die, die! Die, die!
-You wanna be successful?
-[Paul] Yeah.
-Have a lot of sexual partners.
-[exclamation sound bite]
You wanna fail? Just have one.
Hey, Stacy, I would love to see
you and Timmy. Please pick up.
This is where I first
started training by myself.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
-Because so many people
were terrified of me
they didn't
want to spar with me.
So the next best thing
was for me to spar trees.
That's why my bones
are so tough now.
You know, you try kicking
a tree thousands of times a day.
You try scratching,
you try punching a tree
thousands of times a day.
You're gonna have some pretty
strong fingers and knuckles.
[grunt sound bite]
Sometimes the advantage is
not having anybody in life.
[wind blowing]
-[jackpot ringing]
-["ha" sound bite]
[electronic voice]
[grunt sound bite]
No, I like that.
No, more explosions!
I want more explosions!
-I do not know how to do that.
-Yes you do!
SENSAI fired the editing team.
And made Shu head supervisor
of postproduction.
-Bigger explosions on the--
-What do you mean?
-I don't know how to do it.
-More Matrix style.
-I wanna--
-I just tell you
I don't know how to do it!
-I want it--
-[Coen] Oh, yeah. I used to
watch SENSAI fight all the time.
Yeah, he was actually
a bit of a YouTube sensation
for a little while.
I would try to, you know, study
his movements. Anything I could.
I don't know what happened,
you know?
I mean, there was
the six divorces obviously.
Multiple children,
he was in and out of prison.
There was the mortgage fiasco.
Can you unlock it for me?
I'm gonna walk out
-'cause you're annoying me.
-I annoying you?
You know, if you don't lock
your door, somebody may come in.
-Yeah, I hope s--
-That's a very
dangerous thing to do!
I hope someone
tries to come in this house
'cause I'll fucking kill them.
Yeah, right.
Look at you, skinny guy.
-[laughs] Skinny legs.
Yeah, skinny arms.
-Timing and precision.
-Who can you kill?
-Timing, timing and precision.
Yoga's got a lot of hot chicks.
You know, it's kind of
the easiest way to meet a girl.
And, you know, I want someone
who's just spiritually in tune,
uh, open-minded,
and wh-- who has great thighs.
Open up those arms.
Push those shoulder blades
down your back.
Ears away from shoulders.
Stick out that butt,
tuck that tailbone. [grunts]
-Melt that chest, o--
-Yeah, no, I go-- I just
got here. I'll call you back.
-Okay I gotta go.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
-Uh, hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, you can't,
you can't smoke in here, man.
-I can't smoke in here?
-This is a yoga studio.
-Of course
you can't smoke in here.
Uh, all right.
-Are you here for yoga?
-Yeah, where should I go?
-Uh, right, right there.
-You're here for--
-Yeah, I'm here for yoga class.
Okay. Okay, let's all try
to root those feet in the mat.
Let's open up those arms.
Uh, mister, we're gonna move
ni-- nice and slow.
-Just follow along.
-[SENSAI] Okay.
Great. Swan dive down past.
-[harks and spits]
-[Ben] Let's inhale.
[coughs violently]
Broga is a, it's a creation of,
yeah, what we like to think
of as a men's collective.
-[Ben] Did you--
-[Ben] Did you just spit?
Hey, man, you can't spit
on the mat.
Oh, oh, okay, well.
I'll clean it up after.
[calm music]
-O-- Okay? [spits]
-[Ben] Okay.
Really try to create
a safe space
where we can scratch
both our masculinity
and open up to our femininity.
Pelvis push into the mat.
Crawl those shoulder blades
onto your back.
Let's go all the way.
-What are you doing now?
[clears throat]
-Yeah, I'm doing it.
I'm doing exactly
what you're showing me to do.
-Let's tuck those toes.
Let's keep--
-[SENSAI] Oww!
My fucking calves
are killing me.
You know what? I'm so sorry.
-Uh... [clears throat]
I never have done this,
but I think maybe this class
isn't for you.
What are you fucking looking at?
You're kicking me out?
You're trying to pick fights
with other students.
-Yeah man,
get the fuck out of here!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
He's fucking looking at me
the whole time.
-Fuck you!
-Hey, hey, hey, I have this.
-Okay, it's time for you to--
-What, are you trying to hide?
-He's fucking filming me.
-Is this, is this guy with you?
Yeah he's with me.
I'm filming a TV series.
-He was looking at me!
I don't like that!
-Hey, man,
-you gotta turn off the camera.
-Where, where are the girls at?
That's all I know.
-I'd like--
-You signed up
for something called Broga!
-There are no girls
in this space.
-[man] Safe space for bros!
-Yoga and bros!
-[SENSAI] You, You--
It's not gonna be a safe space
if you get close
to my fucking face, dude! You're
gonna be in the danger zone!
-I'm trying to reset here.
-If you try the poses,
it's not that bad.
Hey, dude, you're really sweet
and everything,
you're a really nice guy,
but just please leave me alone.
-You guys, I, I think
I got this. He's on his way out.
-You got?
-You sure?
-Let's just take
some deep breaths. Totally.
-How's the series going?
-It's going great.
-What's-- What's it about?
-I'm making a lot of money.
Uh, it's about, um,
I am a talk show host
and I interview celebrities and
people who do martial arts, so.
-Who, what?
-I'm, I'm, I'm an actor.
Oh, you wanna be on the show.
-I think I could help
the show, you know?
Uh, are you gonna be,
are you gonna be here tomorrow?
-Yeah, I'm here teaching
fuckers down dog all day.
-Two o'clock?
-Two o'clock.
-All right, I'll be here
at two o'clock tomorrow
to come talk to you
about being on the show.
-Okay, that's awesome.
Look and I, you know,
look, again--
You'll be on episode eight.
-Episode eight?
-Episode eight.
Okay, so this is, this is
a series that's been going
for a while.
-Has some legs.
I'll have my manager
and my lawyer,
-uh, reach out to you.
-That sounds awesome.
I got six ex-wives though,
I will tell you that.
That is a number
I will not forget.
'Cause that is... [sighs] ...six
times I've had my heart broken.
[action synth music]
Now, it's almost impossible
if, if it's sunk in too deep.
But there is a way
to get out of it if you can.
First what you do
is you try to...
-Oh, sorry.
-That, that's okay.
-Oh, that's nice,
you're blocking your hands.
-Oh, am I--
-Don't do that,
'cause it makes it harder,
-harder for me to get out of it.
-Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Um, so, come on.
It's gotta look real,
but not, you know.
-Let, let me get out of it.
-Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready
to be famous again.
Because I will tell you.
Not being famous is not fun.
I'm unlocking door number one.
Door number two is right here.
What's behind door number two?
I don't fucking know.
Don't ask me, okay? It's--
[sobbing] Coen's upset
with me and...
Jessica won't...
She won't even
pick up my calls anymore.
Pry door number two open.
Now I can breathe a little bit.
I can talk to people, you know?
Um, now what I want
to do is I can dig
my elbow into their inner thigh.
Very painful for them.
[sobbing] I've just been
getting prostitutes.
And they won't say
"I love you" to me.
And that's all
I wanna hear sometimes.
I can take what I like to call
my hammer fist
and hammer on Coen's face
as hard as I want.
'Cause chicks dig scars,
but chicks dig winners more.
Argh! I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm gonna go for a walk.
Ok-- Okay.
Okay? [scoffs]
Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
Oh, God. And there he goes.
You say it was Martin?
What's going on, man?
-Want one?
-Uh, yeah.
So today we have Kiki.
She's an ex-rockstar
turned famous travel blogger
and Insta model.
-[cheers and applause]
-[jackpot ringing]
-Thanks for coming in.
Kiki likes to travel,
am I right?
-Yes. I definitely do.
-[both laugh]
-[fairy bell]
-Where's your favorite spot
you've been to?
-Um, I actually was
just in Peru.
[Peruvian flute music]
-What were you doing there?
-Um, I was actually
exploring a little bit.
-We went with friends.
[giggles] Yeah.
So I thought you were single.
Um, No, no, I've,
I've been in a relationship
for seven years now.
-Seven years?
-With the same guy?
-Uh, yeah, with Martin here.
[dramatic sting]
Seven years.
Yeah, Peru was amazing,
-[SENSAI] Seven years.
Holy shit.
That's a long fucking time.
Martin, what do you do?
-I'm a tattoo artist.
-Like as a hobby or...?
As a living.
Let's look up Martin right now
and see what kind of tattoos
he likes to do.
[synth-pop music]
-[Coen] That looks really nice.
-Okay, Coen. [stutters]
Stick to DJing.
Thank you.
-Are you rewrapping those?
Did you just rewrap
one of the lollipops?
Yeah, I save them all for later.
Oh. [giggles]
You guys smoke?
Um, not really.
[coughing] Oh, fucking--
-[SENSEI coughs]
-420, bro. Smoking.
-[recorder note]
[SENSAI coughs, harks and spits]
[coughs] That was good.
-[bell rings]
-Chicken wing?
-Uh, no, I'm good, thanks.
-You sure?
-You want one? Come on.
-I'm all right, man. [chuckling]
-Have one.
-I've seen what
you do with the lollipop.
Take one.
[slurping] Too slow.
[cheers and applause]
I don't know if you can tell,
but I'm looking right at you.
-Oh, fuck!
I almost choked.
That was scary.
I'm not hungry anymore.
Ooh. Whoa.
[blows and exhales]
-You okay?
-It hurts.
What kind of
martial arts do you do?
-Uh, we practice Muay Thai.
-Both you guys?
-[sighing] You do it together?
Uh, yeah, all the time.
Are you happy?
That's nice.
[exhales] I'm at that point
where I'm too stoned.
[Jane] We've been through this,
SENSAI. You have to do
the move--
Why do I have to do the move
after every time?
-Maybe I don't wanna do
the move.
-It's a martial arts show.
-Just hurry the fuck up!
-Come on, Kiki. Come on, Kiki.
-Nah, yeah.
-I'll take this one.
-Nah, we're good. Kiki, come on.
-Nah, nah, it's all right,
man. I'll take it.
-No, it's cool.
-Nah, nah, it's--
-Nah, you know,
I'm not really feeling it.
-Come on, Kiki.
-That's all right.
Nah, nah, she, she's fine.
Maybe Martin should do the move.
-I'm doing the move, mate.
-Okay, let's go, Martin.
So let's see what
your favorite move is, Martin.
I usually like to,
uh, to, like, set up
the low kick by, like, jab,
cross, and shift,
and then low kick.
-[SENSAI] Okay, well...
-Try that one out.
...once again,
in a real situation
I would take him down
and beat the shit out of him.
[jackpot ringing]
Let's see what we got.
Oh, fucking asshole!
-Oh, my dick is fucked.
-[electronic voice]
Game over.
-I think my shaft is broken.
-[Coen] You okay, SENSAI?
No, fucking asshole!
Aww! My balls exploded.
-He sucker punched me there.
You saw that.
-That's not funny!
-I am happy about that.
I'm so sorry.
-It's not funny!
-I love to see
other people punching you.
Yeah, right, tofu brains, aw.
I told-- Stop calling me
tofu brains.
You know I don't like
when you call me that.
-[loud blow]
-Then stop being that.
-[loud boom]
-[gasp sound bite]
-[glass shatters]
-So I get into my car
and there's a box
waiting for me
in the car already, okay?
In it, scissors.
Zip ties.
And rope.
And, and then I get, like,
and then I get a note, okay?
"I'm stalking you now
and I will make you pay.
Enjoy the toys. Love, Stalker.
P.S. Congrats on the show.
I'm really happy for you."
[narrator] Later that night,
SENSAI received these creepy
violent videos from a stalker.
SENSAI, this is your stalker.
You're gonna pay.
You might not remember me,
but I tried training
with you years ago.
You turned me down
for cash purposes.
Maybe you even remember my wife,
Ring a bell?
God, I hate you.
[tense music]
I got a stalker now.
I'm getting, like,
tons of death threats.
Who's gonna
be interested in you?
-He said he's gonna
sacrifice me.
-Why's that funny?
-Yeah, you are skin and bones.
Even him up there would like
to have somebody meaty.
What happens if him
and his sex cult come here
and, and eat both of us?
-How would you feel about that?
-[laughs] I will not be here.
All right, I need your help.
Shu, come here.
-I'll be nice to you
if you're nice to me.
-I'm always nice to you.
-Yeah? Okay. Right there,
five bucks.
-[Shu] Now, how are we going
to coming and going?
-[Shu] How are we going
to coming and going?
-Okay, it's good.
-[Shu] Uh?
[dramatic music]
Yeah, this is, uh,
Jessica and my old spot.
You know, I paid
for an eighth of it, so,
so it's pretty much
mine too and...
Now she's got
old Kev-o up there.
Snuggling up to her at night.
I wish I could go up there
and, you know, stop them.
Ha! So...
[mellow music]
I've told you so many times
-And I told you
-That nothing's
gonna hold us now
-And I told you
-Nothing gonna stop us now
[narrator] SENSAI received
another ridiculous lawsuit
from bum-ass Kevin and Jessica.
[music fades]
We came here to battle!
I am SENSAI Houston's attorney.
Uh, attorney at Law,
uh, Mark Wheeler.
I'm working with SENSAI Houston
pretty much full-time.
I don't think the restraining
order's gonna help,
so I've been, uh,
closing the shop down early.
Uh, getting the rounds in.
Putting the time in.
I know he's coming back.
The guy just won't quit.
I mean, we fought
over ten times.
I met SENSAI...
Let's see,
I used to train with him.
Um, that's how
I met his wife Jessica,
um... [chuckles]
Great gal. Uh, we've-- Ins--
Love at first sight,
we fell in love.
Jessica denied all of
our attempts for an interview.
This is mine!
This is my place of business!
I hope he finds true happiness
and can just leave us alone.
Uh, move on with his life.
[action synth-pop music]
So what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna teach you the,
probably the one and only move
that you need to know
is a guillotine choke.
You can use it at school,
you can use it at bars--
-Oh, hang on, I don't think
you should be saying that.
-You can use--
-Don't use it at school.
Don't do that.
-Don't fucking
question me again.
-You can be--
You, you want kids
to get arrested
-and try to choke
each other out.
-I will kill you.
-Right, let's just move on.
-You just talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
-Can we move on, please?
-Can we move on?
-You remind me-- Okay.
[sighs] God, okay.
-Let me come down a little bit.
-All right.
-You're gonna put your arm
like this.
-You're gonna grab your bicep
with your other hand.
-Like this, yep.
-Uh, I got it.
-Like this? It's quite tight.
-Yes, exactly. Yeah, okay.
-That's tight, right?
-Yeah. It's okay,
you can go as hard as you want.
-And once you--
-Well, I'm not gonna-- I don't
wanna knock you out do I?
Oh, crap.
Oh, I...
-Has this happened before?
-[Paul] Uh, no,
I don't think so.
Is he breathing?
Shit. Coach, uh, SENSAI?
SENSAI, I'm not gonna go
in there and say that.
-Why not?
-I'm gonna go to jail!
-No you're not.
-Yes I am!
-I'll blur your face out!
-SENSEI you--
I've been selling, uh, SENSAI...
[sniffles] uh, performance
enhancing drugs for like...
...like, 20 years.
What the fuck is that?
-What the fuck is that? What--
-It's nothing.
When have I ever gotten you
in trouble before?
Last week.
Yeah, he's a, he's a good guy.
One of my besties.
We met in, in, in Thailand.
-You can see the light, SENSAI!
-There's no--
The red light means it's off.
-You think I'm a fucking idiot?
We on the top we got
gold chains, we got bags
-We doing this shit for real
-Racks on racks
He said he needed some shit.
I had the shit.
I always got the shit.
I'm the guy with the shit.
I like that he trusts me.
I trust him.
Racks on racks
'Cause that's what we do
-That's what we play
-Benny and SENSAI
-All motherfucking day
-All day
-Because that's what we do
-Brap-Brap, Brap-Brap
-We got gold, we got chicks
We got guys, we got drugs
We got guns, we got hoes
We got, yo
We got cars, we got--
-Aye, you know what I'm saying?
-Okay, okay. Okay.
-Let's do it!
-Let's do it.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay!
-Let's do some of this now
before we go in.
-All right.
-Hi-ya! [grunts]
-[upbeat synthesizer music]
SENSAI Houston is a great man.
Great man.
That place just takes me,
takes to a special,
you know what I mean?
'Cause, like... [stutters]
my life at home isn't,
isn't what it's supposed to be.
You know what I'm saying?
So, my, my wife's
cheating on me... [mumbles]
I was... [stutters] ...SENSAI
Houston's number one student.
-[Paul] Okay.
-So the thing is
I broke one of my toes,
so I had to sit back
for a little while.
Coen, he came,
and he kind of took my spot.
But I'm, I'm getting it back.
You know what I'm saying?
-[Paul] Okay.
-I'll fight him right now.
-[white noise]
-What's up?
[dramatic piano music]
Hey, how's it going, fans?
I rushed down here to tell you,
"Follow your dreams."
'Cause if not,
the government will.
I've been having
a lot of copyright problems,
so I've been recording
everything I've been speaking.
It's better to be alive
than dead.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
-Do you have any brain in there?
Are they all tofus?
All mashy.
-Hey, what's going on?
Thank you for having me.
It feels good to be back home.
Who do we have today?
-Jake Allyn.
-Thank you, Jake Allyn.
Today we have Jake Allyn.
-[jackpot ringing]
An aspiring actor new to LA.
-I'm a real one.
-So I know, you know,
the industry is a very,
very, very hard industry.
-I know this--
it takes a long time, but...
-...you're a pretty average
looking guy...
...and, uh, you'll be okay.
-There's probably a lot of parts
for people like you.
There actually have been
a lot of parts, uh,
I've been able to work
pretty consistently
-the last three years.
-You doing plays?
Not really plays. I mostly work
in movies and television.
Short films kind of thing?
-Nah, mostly network shows.
-Web series?
No. Like real television.
-I don't know why
you keep bringing it up.
-Like, did you act or some shit?
-Yeah, I am an actor.
[cheers and applause]
-In what?
This week on Beach Kumite.
SENSAI must kill everyone.
Tomorrow may never come.
So kill today.
-[SENSAI] So what's, wh--
what's, what's the show...
-Yo, Jane, what--
[SENSAI urinates and farts]
-...that you're doing?
The show was called The Quad.
-It was?
-In Atlanta, yeah.
So it's not, it's no more?
Yeah, we went two seasons.
-[SENSAI] Wow.
Uh, I played a kid named,
uh, BoJohn Folsom.
I played the quarterback
on the football team.
Have you ever played sports?
Yeah, I'm a martial artist.
No, I mean like real sports.
-Fuck sports!
-[SENSAI] You're supposed
to say "Jake" after.
-Oh, I did under my breathe.
-[man] You fucking asshole.
Coen, you here?
-Oh, shit.
-[dramatic sting]
Dirty son of a bitch!
Take your laundry out
of the machine when you're done!
-I know.
-It stinking up the house!
And there are
many flies everywhere!
-I'll be home
in a little bit. Okay?
-Is this like a Punk'd thing?
-Don't wait up for me.
-I see everything.
-Thank you!
-You freak!
Women, dude. Right? [laughs]
Whatever. That's
my sparring partner.
She's obviously not
your sparring partner.
And my roommate.
[knocking on door]
Leave me alone, Shu!
-Want some whiskey?
-[Shu whispering] Yes.
-That hard?
Yeah. And--
All right, let's go.
-Slowly backing up.
-[Shu singing]
Na, na, na, na, na!
-[door closes]
-Bro, I think you need
to work out your life.
-I think you need
to shut the fuck up.
-[oohing sound bite]
-I'm not gonna fight you, dude.
-Let's see what you got.
Come on.
You see what I got,
you kidding me? I'll put you
into the fucking wall.
-You ain't gonna do shit.
-Come on.
-Are you kidding me?
-Okay. Okay, Jesus, you're good.
Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.
-You let him do that, right?
-And the river
-[off-key accordion
music playing]
And he jumped
on the back of a...
After a couple of beers
and some Quaaludes,
SENSAI called Coen
to smooth things over.
[phone ringing]
-[call whooshes]
-[Coen] Oh.
-Hey, what's going on?
-How are you?
-Hey, mom--
-Good, how are you?
It's good to see you.
Uh, sorry, guys, hold on
one sec. I'm with my family
like I told you.
Maybe we could, uh,
do this another time?
Oh, that's nice, you're with
your family. That looks nice.
He was in love
You can say hi to everyone.
This is, this is
my buddy Jackson.
-Hi Jackson!
-Cole, Brian and Lilly,
uh, and Jackson again.
Whoa, you're
moving the camera so fast.
I'm getting motion sickness.
I'm sorry about that, SENSAI.
Because we all need love
-You look good.
-Thanks, yeah,
I've just been, you know,
I've been missing you
a lot and, uh,
just hoping that we can,
you know, move back in together.
-So I don't know if you've
thought about what I...
-...what we talked about
the other day, but, uh--
You... [exhales] You see,
the thing is I don't like
to do this on camera
-because you always film these.
I, I know you're filming this.
-I swer--
-I'm sure you are.
-I swear to God
I'm not filming this.
-I see the camera in the back.
-Okay, Jackson, why don't
you mind your own business?
-Um, I also see the camera,
SENSAI. It's incredibly obvious.
Oh, fuck, get, get out
of the fucking shot.
What are you doing?
So I want, I want, like,
a stoic shot, okay?
-So you stay there...
-[Paul] Okay.
...and then when I turn around
I'm gonna start walking.
So please just answer my calls
and get back to me.
I've been do-- doing
a thing called meditating a lot.
I've been reading
a lot of philosophy.
I've been, uh,
with this guy Plah-toe.
And I have been studying
my astrological charts.
And I just--
I'm ready to be the man
that you've
always wanted me to be.
[action synth-pop music]
So, uh, how do you know SENSAI?
Uh, well, I met him
at one of our wrap parties.
His wife Jessica
does makeup for us, so.
[rock music]
[fire crackling]
-[grunt sound bite]
-Today we have Hollywood
superstar Noah Centineo!
-[register dings]
-[cheers and applause]
It's a hot day in Hollywood
and my man wants
a good cup of coffee
and some Pirate Booty after
a 14-hour shoot day, you know?
But hey,
overtime ain't bad, right?
[laughter sound bite]
-[Coen laughs]
-Shut the fuck up!
Come out now.
Coen, come out.
Coen, did you not charge
the fucking walkie-talkies?
-[Coen] No, SENSAI, my bad!
-[mockingly] "My bad."
What the fuck, dude?
Preproduction, I gave you
one thing to do!
-[Coen] Do, do you want me
to come out now?
Sorry, Noah.
[scream sound bite]
Hi! Um, like, are you Noah?
Um, yes, I, I am.
I baked you this donut.
That is so sweet of you.
[laughs] Sweet. You get it?
-[laughter sound bite]
-Uh, don't lose it.
Keep going, keep going.
Um, I want you to eat it
in front of me.
Uh, you, you know what? I
actually, I have these pretzels,
-but I will totally
take it with me--
-Eat it now!
[maniacal laughing sound bite]
Noah is what
I like to call trapped!
What's he gonna do?
Break this little girl's heart?
How selfish would that be?
Instead he takes the donut,
inspects it,
breaks it open like
any smart celebrity should.
-[dramatic sting]
-Oh, my God, there's
a razor blade in this--
Holy shit! There's a razor blade
in there and this little bitch
is a killer!
-Aah! There's more
where that came from!
-There's no--
And there's no
security here either!
-[maniacal laughter]
-[bomb exploding]
-[SENSAI] Yes! Shoot that.
-[Noah] Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
are you okay, man?
-Fuck, yes!
-Uh, SENSAI told me to do that.
You g--
-You good?
-Crisis averted once again.
[cheers and applause]
-Was that really necessary?
-I don't know.
Noah, is staying alive
a priority to you?
-Coen, write him a check.
-What? For how much?
-Uh, 20K.
-Don't be, don't be
a cheap ass, okay?
We're gonna make
millions off this.
Noah, you're a doll.
Thank you so much.
[synth-pop music]
Are you, are you rolling? Yeah?
I'm the best.
I'm the best at everything.
I'm the best fighter.
I'm the best talk show host.
I'm the best lover.
I'm the best companion.
So are you telling me
that you're trying to back out
of the 15 year contract
that we have with each other?
This week on Beach Kumite.
In life, it's not
how many people you've killed.
It's how and why.
I'm not perfect. Nobody is.
But I'm damn near close.
I'm the best SENSAI.
I am the SENSAI.
I'm the one and only SENSAI.
I'm feeling sick to my stomach,
so maybe we'll finish this
conversation some other time.
-It's really more
about the loyalty, you know?
-I think-- I, I actually--
After the last fight,
uh, we made a pretty good purse
and so, you know,
-obviously I hired new people
onto the team and I think that--
Do a pan up from the feet up.
To show my strong ankles
and then come up to the chest.
[cheers and applause]
Technically, my new team says
that I shouldn't be doing this
with you at all.
I'm actually kind of breaking
other contracts as we speak.
Well, I'd like to talk
to your team.
Well, just stand there.
I'm gonna get the--
may as well take, take advantage
of the beautiful background.
-Okay, this is my shoot.
-[Paul] Yeah. Okay.
-Go back to over here
where you were before.
-[Paul] Sure.
Why don't you stand back over
there and take advantage
of the beautiful scenery?
Great idea.
I wish I thought of it myself.
-You're living with Shu?
Shu and I got
a great place together.
-Okay. Um, okay, how,
how's that going?
-It's great. She's great.
[funky action music]
[tense music]
After falling in love,
Shu decided to move out.
In hopes of finding Jake.
-You're gonna look
where Jake lives?
So you're gonna move in
with Jake?
I can't afford rent
by myself, Shu.
-Tofu brain, shit happens.
-Shit happens.
-[Shu laughing]
-That's your--
You think this is funny?
-This is funny to you?
-Yeah, of course.
Love just happens.
Anytime, anywhere.
Am I-- I might just get lucky.
Hee, hee, hee.
-Get off, get off my property.
Get off my property, Shu.
-[Shu laughing]
Yeah, I'm eager to leave.
Shut the camera off.
You know, they gave me all
this money for a crew and stuff.
I don't mind holding a mic.
Like, why don't
I just pocket the money?
People just don't know how to do
business these days, you know?
They're so lazy that they need
other people to do things.
Like, I can edit.
I can do sound. I can mix.
I'm the head talent.
I can write.
I can produce.
I can do wardrobe.
Pff, that's like
eight paychecks.
Talent scout, casting,
animation, editing,
postproduction supervisor,
Transportation in vans.
[hip-hop music]
Uh, uh, SENSAI Houston
up in the house
-We out here
-I'm all alone
-'Cause I'm solo
-I got second track
You can only
depend on yourself
I'm running
on second track right now
So all I got is myself
And my second track
And that's all I need
I'm just recording it twice
Bitch, please
People pay me
to keep them safe
Talk shit, motherfucker
Roundhouse to the face
SENSAI spitting fire
in your house
Am I too loud?
Just turn me down
With kisses and lots of love
'cause I'm lonely
I'm so lonely
so I'll pay you to bone me
And I'll pay you
to hold me...
You see that?
There's two guys in my house.
Did you see that?
[quietly] What is this?
[normally] I'm ready
to rock and roll.
You ready? You got my back?
-[Ben] Hi. Oh, oh!
-[Ken] Whoa! Whoa!
-Uh, is that a real gun?
-Yeah, it is.
There's no need for that.
Oh, you're the guy from Broga.
I got a stalker now and so
I'm carrying this thing with me
because I don't know
when he's gonna pop out.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Ken has a little
experience with that.
No, no, I'm, I'm,
I'm not a stalker. I don't--
-[stutters] Sorry, I'm-- He, he
also is part of a security firm.
I run a security company.
I'm a contractor.
-Oh, what's your rate?
-Yeah. Minimum's
at 47 an hour for one.
-All right, I'll give
you 500 bucks cash a week.
-[Ken] For me?
To guard this place, uh, 24
hours a day, seven days a week.
-I got an extra room actually
in the house now.
-Uh, two grand a month cash.
You can move in.
-I'm not--
It'd actually be really good
for you as an actor because then
you'll get to experience
the hands-on
of how I run my production.
It'd be great for you.
It'd be a great in for you.
So-- Come check it out.
Come check the room out.
You, uh, can't come inside okay?
You gotta stay.
-O-- Okay.
-All right? Come on in.
Hey, hey, can, can I get,
like, a minute with him?
Ben, can I have a minute please?
I'll support you
in what you want to do.
-Look, I am absolutely positive
that I can't teach
another fucking down dog.
No, man, I don't.
I don't know why I'm here.
I'm here 'cause
Ben wants to be here.
I'm here to protect Ben.
Me and Ben, we have a kinship,
I'm always by his side.
I'm here to make sure
he's safe with this guy.
So if he wants
to employ me doing
the shenanigans for this stalker
that he has. Probably someone
he fucking owes money to.
You may be asking yourself
why I'm in a sauna.
It's a lot hotter
in hell, SENSAI.
[action funk music]
SENSAI went ahead and sued Jake
for being a bully.
[cheers and applause]
He's got a little case
coming up. A little case-a-roo.
One of his guests, uh,
on the show, you know,
pulled some stuff
and we're gonna get, we're
gonna get, we're gonna get paid.
It's gonna be 19, 20, 21, 25,
31,000 bucks coming in to us.
And I could use it.
It was instantly denied
by the judge
because the judge
was compromised
and is a complete embarrassment
to the judicial system.
I have a tent.
A nice tent that I c-- sleep in,
so that's nice for now.
It's just a squirrel.
I think we're fine. [chuckles]
We're okay.
[phone ringing]
[sighs] Shit.
What's up? What's going on?
How's it going?
I finally got a hold of you.
-Good to see you. Um, it's uh--
Yeah, sorry,
I've been really busy lately.
I'm doing my own talk show
-as you know, so I'm slammed.
-Um, that's actually
why I'm calling.
Uh, I didn't get your, your--
The money didn't go through.
I don't think.
-So there must have been some
error in the, the transaction.
-Additional transaction.
-Uh, did-- how many times
did you check it?
'Cause sometimes there's like
a little delay in the money, so.
I checked it,
-I just checked it again
today. So--
-I've been checking it all week.
-Okay, uh--
-Did you touch my black belt?
-[Jane] I didn't touch
your fucking black belt.
Okay. I'm not saying you did.
You shouldn't let
her touch your black belt, dude.
That's what I said.
-My man!
-What's up? Aw fuck,
you got rings on.
-So we had, uh, 30% off
coupons for the fans today.
-[cheers and applause]
-I love it!
-Thirty percent off what?
Fucking idiot,
there's no coupons.
-[booing sound bite]
So today we have
rap star Sadistik
up in the house.
-His house.
-Lessons that I etched
as a staccato
I go Hatori Hanzo
with the gonzo
Until I fill the hollows
-Psst. I'm here.
-The ring thing.
-[buzzer blaring]
-Want to smoke some weed?
-Definitely. Yeah.
No, you, you got it backwards.
That's how you--
-You gotta put weed in it first.
-[Jane] What are you doing?
-[coughs] What?
-[Jane] You're not supposed
to smoke.
Yes I am. Why?
Because you can't handle it.
-You're embarrassing me.
Um, I, I like to dabble
in Muay Thai
and when, and when I was a kid
I did, like, Taekwondo.
-[oohing sound bite]
-Okay, Coen, shut the fuck up.
[distorted voice]
Shut the fuck up.
[voice lowers] Dude, that
fucking weed was laced I think.
-Laced, I think.
-[woman vocalizing]
Dude, that fucking
weed was laced I think.
-Dude, that fucking weed--
-You okay?
Oh, it hurts.
-I see everything.
-[man screaming]
[SENSEI urinating] That hurts.
There's a fucking bathroom
in the house.
I, I prefer to piss
in the corner.
You should drink water, man.
-I collect these.
-[Sadistik] Collect them?
What do you mean?
What do you collect--
You collect your own urine?
Yeah. Yo, you know
that I'm a rapper too.
Well, I rap-- I rap--
I, I used to rap all the time.
Still do it.
Okay, I see
yoga everywhere I go
Me too SENSAI Houston
with the Kali Karate Crew
Okay, okay, okay
I see yoga everywhere I go
I'm just here to talk
about it 'cause love hurts
All my exes
are bunches of hoes
Child support sucks, homeless
and severely in debt
-Not for long.
-But not for long
Just watch me
-SENSAI Houston once again
-[machinegun firing]
-SENSAI Houston
-[cheers and applause]
-That's my fucking song, man.
-That was my...
...fucking song.
I-- Nah, I think
we made that beat.
-My voice is on it.
-Prove it.
[cash register dings]
I actually like to hype mine
with a lead hook. Kind of.
Oh! Jesus Christ!
Oh, my fucking teeth.
Barely even fucking touched me,
dude. [spits]
-We're done. [groans]
-[electronic voice] Game over.
Better luck next time.
Where's a good place to shit?
I'll shit over there.
I'm gonna shit over there, so...
-I caught Ken taking a shit
on the porch.
Can you tell him to not do that
and to shit in the woods?
This week on Beach Kumite.
-["hi-ya" sound bite]
In life, I'd rather be
the one killing than be killed.
[uplifting synth-pop music]
[sneaking music]
What? No, I'm in the middle
of a shoot right now.
I can't really talk.
Being the progressive
entrepreneur he is,
SENSAI invested in a start-up
company which offers flights
through space.
What do you mean
the company folded?
What do you mean, Charlie?
I gave you 350,000
fucking dollars!
Charlie, that was all the money
I had for the talk show
that I gave you.
Listen, motherfucker!
You know that I can kill.
I will kill you, Charlie!
You dumbass motherfucker!
What the fuck you talking about,
Stomp on your face,
I'm gonna claw
your goddamn eyes out, Charlie!
Fuck you up! I'm gonna
fuck you, I'm just gonna fuck!
[angry muttering]
[synthesizer music]
Dear ascended masters.
Please fill my broken heart.
And bring joy into my life.
Because I'm really
fucking angry.
Like, all the time.
Like out of seven days a week,
at least six and a half of
the days I'm really pissed off.
And I think
about hurting people.
Please bring back Beach Kumite
so that I can be famous.
And I can get Jessica back.
And I can get
my life back on track.
-Oh, that's great.
Uh, I want a plane
to crash into her.
As soon as she's done talking,
plane crash right into them.
-Do you have a shot of a plane?
-No, I don't have
a shot of a plane.
Where the hell would I get
a shot from a plane?
-Just get one off the-- offline,
but get it in.
As soon as they're done
answering the question, boom!
-Explosion and they'll go
to another shot.
-That's, that's CGI!
I, I edit my self-tapes
on my phone!
You said you knew
how to do this stuff.
I know how to edit
my self-tapes!
The funny part is SENSAI can't
even handle all the fame.
All right? He constantly--
He makes money, he burns it,
he makes money, he burns it.
The dude is literally--
He's a walking time bomb.
This is one of the worst shows
I've ever seen in my life.
Do you, do you like
being an asshole?
Is that fun for you?
Do you like
just being disrespectful?
How about I tell
the grant program that you're
not paying me, you ass fuck?
-You're right, I overreacted
and I'm so grateful that you're
part of this, this show.
All right, so what I like to do
is I like to record them all
-on my cassettes, so.
-[Paul] Oh.
I wrote this one
a couple weeks ago.
-[mellow rap music playing]
-Uh, this one goes out
to Jessica, love of my life
-It's good, right?
-I should have never
cheated on you
Titties flopping, uh
Love making
Baby making, bed rocking
I don't give a fuck
Because I'm rich
Yeah baby, I got
that compassionate heart
SENSAI Houston, I'm on top
Fuck the kids
-I'm a sex robot, sex robot
I'm a sex robot
-I must have sex now
-Sex robot, sex robot
-I must have sex now
Down in Cabo, drinking ros
Yeah, motherfucker
I'm all about monogamy now
I ain't gonna cheat on you
That was the past
Please just take me back
I'm heartbroken
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica
I must have sex now
I have my own talk show
please take me back
The reason why
I'm so marketable is
because a lot of these rap guys,
they rap about being tough,
but they're a bunch
of snowflakes, you know?
And with me, I rap about being
tough and I can kill people.
I have.
-Can you, can you turn around?
-I don't mind if you don't mind.
I mind a little bit,
if you could just turn around.
-I don't mind this kind of stuff
-There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
I mean, I love it.
You have a beautiful body.
-[heart beating]
-[sensual music]
[both laugh]
[SENSAI laughs nervously]
So today we have CVgrace.
[cheers and applause]
-Uh, GVgrace. Yeah.
-GVgrace! Great.
-GVgrace from Echo Park?
-[both] Yes.
Oh, my God, kill me.
-Uh, how'd you guys--
-[loud banging]
-[scream] You got
my fucking wallet?
-Oh, fuck.
[hip-hop music]
-You got my fucking wallet?
-No, I don't have your wallet!
I'm going to CVS, Walgreens,
and I'm showing up
-without any fucking money!
-I don't have your wallet!
They all think I'm trying
to give them blowjobs
-'cause I ain't got no cash!
-I swear,
I swear to God,
I don't have your wallet!
-You're crazy!
-Haven't used it today!
-But let's-- Ooh!
-You're crazy! Oh, fuck!
Kill him! Kill him!
-Jesus Christ!
-You got it for me, baby?
-Yes! I got your wallet
right here!
-I didn't take
that much money, okay?
-Don't you mind.
-Need anything
while I'm out there?
-A burrito would be good.
-Burrito? Okay, baby. Love you!
-Yeah, sweetheart,
-I love you too.
-You're fucking so talented.
Isn't she fucking hot?
Like two bulls in a,
you know, grocery store.
-We should go on
a double date some time.
-I like to have a good time.
-We're looking
for open-minded people.
-People that love life.
-Get everything we can
out of life, you know?
-You know?
-You know?
-I'm not catching
what you're trying to say.
[Coen] I think she's saying
she wants to have sexual
intercourse with you, SENSAI!
-[upbeat music]
-Or just, like, hand stuff.
[8-bit music]
Free STD checking at the--
Ow! You fucking asshole,
you hit me in the neck.
Free STD checking at the dojo
-when you sign up today.
-[gasp sound bite]
I first saw your music video,
um, "Fuck Golf,"
which was really good.
-Thank you. Thanks.
-I really enjoyed that.
It was actually
the only music video I think
-I've ever masturbated to.
-[GVgrace] Oh, my God.
-[oohing sound bite]
-[Griffith] Thanks, man.
Wow. Thanks.
["Fuck Golf" by GVgrace]
[woman moans]
I, I love getting
fucked sometimes.
Get the fog out.
I don't wanna fucking do this
anymore. The-- The one guy?
-He's looking right in me.
-[tense sting]
Don't tell me what to do.
I tell you what to do.
-That's what directors do.
-Uh, we have DCgrace,
uh, with fu--
-It's GV, mate.
-GVgrace with "Fuck Golf."
Shut the fuck up. Thank you.
["Fuck Golf" by GVgrace playing]
Good rhythm.
Don't touch
the China ball please.
All right!
-Yeah, okay.
-Hey, baby.
-I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's all right, baby.
By association
grant you higher station
-Premiere vacation
-[SENSAI] Yeah,
that's right, baby.
-Sterling reputation
-[SENSAI] Yeah.
-Serving up libation
-[SENSAI] Mm-hmm.
-Serving up dilation
-[SENSAI] Yeah.
-Serving up crustation
-Uh, come on.
-Come on, come on.
-Oh, yeah, I'm pregnant, baby!
-[Stacy] I'm pregnant, baby!
-What the fuck did you say?
-[loud hissing]
I'm having a motherfucking
baby, baby!
-You're fucking pregnant?
-[Stacy] Are you ready
for this baby?
-[Stacy] Whoo!
-[cash register dings]
-[buzzer blaring]
Kiss, kiss, ha, ha
Tisk, tisk, oui, oui
Who I am to you
[bass lighthearted music]
How'd the shoot go?
Stacy showed up.
-Who's Stacy?
-My ex-wife.
Yeah, she's pregnant.
Uh, congratulations, man.
That's great news, right?
-No, I've got way
too many kids now.
-Oh, okay.
And the weird thing about it is
I haven't had sex with her
in over a year.
So I don't get it.
-I guess miracles do happen,
-but I don't want this one,
you know?
-Are you hungry?
Do you want anything?
-Yes, I will take food.
-You've been doing a great job,
by the way.
-I appreciate it.
Yeah, I feel nice and safe
with you out here all the time.
-All right.
-I appreciate it.
I'm glad I could be of service.
-I'm gonna give you
more money too.
-I'll think about it.
-I-- Should I come inside
with you?
-No, stay outside
just so you can make sure
no one comes in.
[SENSAI in VO] Yeah, it's
really nice having Ken watching
the house 24 hours a day.
Helps me sleep at night.
If the stalker shows up,
he'll have to kill Ken first
and Ken's screams
will probably wake me up.
-I'm an actor!
-How, how are we gonna have
a think tank here
and, and build an empire
if you can't do your part?
My part is acting!
I can't wait to have you
on, on the eighth episode.
You're gonna do so good.
So good. You know what?
Ah, he's the best. [grunts]
Mmmm. You're so good
at what you do.
But you gotta do
better than that.
-[white noise]
-What's up?
[dramatic piano music]
Um, much like
this dried-up riverbed,
life can be the same.
So you need to forcibly fill it
with money, love,
intimate relationships, sex.
If you don't love yourself,
then you-- no one else
can love you.
And that's what I try to tell
my students all the time is,
"You have to love yourself."
So, I definitely
still miss Jessica.
It's funny, it's been a while,
so you would think
that you would get over it.
But sometimes things
that are that important
in your life
will never leave you.
And if you don't get it back,
you'll be depressed forever.
No matter what you do.
[chuckling nervously]
I, I remember, ahem, when, uh,
Jessica used to come here.
I used to take her here,
and we used to camp,
and we'd swim in the river.
Ahem, and we'd have wine and
cheese, and we'd get all drunk,
and we would make funny jokes,
uh, at each other.
And it was fun.
[laughs nervously]
[inhales deeply]
[laughs nervously]
Uh, it's weird when you start
talking about these things.
They bring back
nostalgic memories,
and you hate that feeling.
Fuck off! Fucking dick!
Fucking bitch!
I twisted my ankle!
You're doing such a great job!
But you gotta do better,
but you're so awesome at it.
You're so good. You're so--
Mmmm. I, I love you so much.
-[eerie music]
-[coyotes howling]
Coyotes! Coyotes!
Dude, I'm not even,
I'm not even fucking kidding.
I saw a pack of coyotes,
come on.
I'm serious, dude. Let's go.
-[stalker] Fuck you guys!
Whoa, what's that?
Oh, my God. It's the stalker!
-It's the stalker!
It's the stalker!
Get him, Ken! Shoot him, Ken.
Shoot him! Ken, shoot him!
-[hip-hop music]
Yes! That's what
I'm talking about!
[grunts] I shot him dead!
I shot him eight times!
And I liked it!
It was a rush, man.
I have a head injury
from being smacked in the head.
Fairly concussed,
I have to go to the hospital.
After crossing into manhood
and becoming a true warrior,
Ken decided to quit.
[upbeat synth music]
-[cross talk]
-Stop! I'm trying
to catch up with him.
This is a talk show!
-Sit down!
-He's an enemy.
"He's an enemy." Sit down.
I'm gonna sit down
because I wanna sit down.
-Sit down! You been good?
-Yeah, man.
-Yeah, I'm doing good too.
-[cheers and applause]
All right. Tell someone who
fucking [beep] cares. Fucking
[beep] Harvey Dent over there.
-Tell him over there.
Leave him alone.
-[cross talk]
-You're a bully.
-I-- [stutters] Yeah.
-[booing sound bite]
Today we have Dom Mazzetti,
an ex-fight manager
and now gym owner.
And this guy Jay
who I saw at In-N-Out Burger
about 25 minutes ago.
I gave him $50 to come here
and help me kick
the shit [beep] out of Dom.
-Nice-- Nicely done, dude.
-Thanks, bro.
-So, Dom,
what have you been up to?
-Other than most of your chicks?
Ba-dum-tish, you got one
of those? Like a laugh track?
'Cause everybody should be
-fucking [beep] laughing
'cause you're a joke.
-Fuck [beep] you, dude!
-Yo, you know what? Stacy
told you to leave us alone.
-Yeah, Stacy.
-You're talking-- We're gonna
talk about Stacy right now?
-We're gonna talk about Stacy.
-Okay, you bring me here
to talk about Stacy?
-She, she was my ex first.
No, no, no,
I don't think that was it.
I dated her before you did,
then you--
she, she cheated on me
with you and then I---
She was my chick, dude.
She's mine now. She's pregnant.
-[Maury] You are the father!
-[cheers and applause]
-She's pregnant?
[screams] I'm pregnant, baby!
I'm having a motherfucking
[beep] baby, baby.
You're fucking [beep] pregnant?
-Oh, it's mine.
-[gasp sound bite]
-Reasonably certain
it's 100% mine. I'm reasonably
certain it's 100% mine.
-When's the last time
you had sex with her.
-[suspenseful music]
[echoing ]When's the last time
you had sex with her.
-Like, three years ago?
-That doesn't make any sense.
Makes absolute sense. We banged,
she's pregnant.
I banged her into pregnancy.
What do you mean? What do you
mean it doesn't make sense?
You tensing up, dude?
-I'm just--
-[Dom] You're looking
like you're tensing up.
-I'm looking right through you.
-Oh, yeah? At what?
[tense music]
-It's not as yellow in here
as I thought it was. Weird.
-Yeah, it's-- yeah, it's--
-it's a lot brighter too.
I'm gonna put these back on.
-Put them definitely back on.
-So, Dom,
have you ever studied
martial arts before?
Oh, studied them?
Nah, I just do them.
-I don't need to study.
-Like which ones?
-All of them.
-You do all martial arts?
-All of them.
-Name one.
-I just did.
-[oohing sound bite]
[guns firing]
[video game announcer]
So guy I met at In-N-Out Burger
15 minutes ago, what do you do?
-Uh, well I--
-Okay, anyway.
I'm sorry, how the fuck [beep]
do you guys know each other?
-Us two?
-We got way back.
-We lift together, dude.
-[Jay] How's everything?
-It's good, you know? Yeah.
-Same old stuff?
Still got those night terrors
-going on.
-You remember that one time
that dumbbell fell
on my freaking head?
Honestly, I felt pretty guilty
-about it
'cause I, I let you down.
-No, stop.
I just-- I let it crush you
on the head.
-[blender whirring]
Oh, you making a, making
a shake for us? Yeah. Serve it
up when you're done.
That's probably enough. Yeah.
-[SANSEI] I'm good,
I'm good, I'm good.
-Thanks, dude.
-Cool. Thank you.
-This is for me. I didn't make
enough for you guys.
-[Dom] That's cool. We just--
-Can I get a little bit?
-Give me a little bit. Thanks.
-Can you give me
a little bit of that?
-No, dude!
Jesus Christ, give--
enough attention from you.
What are you talking about, man?
Why do you have this beef
with me?
You still owe,
owe me all that money.
We put on fights. You were
the guy who throws them, okay?
-You throw the fights,
that's how it works.
-You never paid me.
-'Cause you lost.
-That was the point of the deal,
was, I was supposed to lose
and then you were supposed
to pay me for rigging the fight.
-Okay, take it up
with management.
-You are my manager!
-Okay, so take it up
with me then!
-Holy shit [beep].
-Let's go! Take it up!
-You wanna go?
-Yeah, let's go!
-Okay. Let's just talk about it.
-Because... [stutters]
Yeah, let's just talk, dude.
-[SENSAI] Okay?
You're here to talk about it.
Gave the man some protein.
I know when you give
him protein what happens.
-[laughter sound bite]
-So how do you two
know each other?
Oh, yeah, we go back
to, uh, to Bangkok.
Bangkok, Thailand, 2019.
The greatest fighters
in the world assembled
for a tournament.
Dom managed SENSAI.
SENSAI's only job,
throw the fights
so they could both get rich.
When tournament rules
changed to death-style combat,
SENSAI refused to lose.
'Cause that meant
if he threw the fight,
he would fucking [beep] die.
And Dom would take
all the money.
They haven't spoken until now.
-I had a great time
in Bangkok.
I had a great time in Stacy too.
I mean, she was good.
You son of a fucking
[beep] asshole!
I was just joking around!
Come on, it was like, you know,
like a funny thing.
Like, guys, like, friends,
they joke like, "I banged
your wife and I still do."
-Ha, ha, it's so funny!
-No, it was never funny.
Honestly, I thought you were
like a guy's guy,
you know? Come on.
-[sobs] No, I'm super sensitive.
-[Dom] Okay, fine.
-I'm a hitman.
-[dramatic music]
I know all about forgiveness.
Guys, forgiveness is
very, very important
because if you don't have that,
you're never gonna have
any bros.
In this world,
there's only a few bros
that are gonna come around
that are like us.
You know what I'm saying?
So look,
if you two can't
forgive each other,
there's a lot of history there.
Bangkok. Fights. Stacy.
Uh, so, like, you know, you just
gotta, you know what I'm saying?
Like, forgive each other,
love each other.
Let's get back to doing
our thing, you know?
'Cause now I'm part
of the group.
-That's a lot of knowledge, man.
-Bangkok was--
-I'm glad, I'm glad you--
-I'm glad you found love, man.
So let's, let's find love.
-Let's find love. You and me.
I came here for that.
-[oohing sound bite]
-Okay? Let's hug it out.
-[triumphant music]
Let's hug it out. Come on.
-I'm coming in,
I'm coming in on the sides.
-All right.
-Oh, fucking [beep].
What's this? What is this?
-What? What? Nothing.
What do you got in you?
What, you got some armor on?
You come here
with fucking [beep] armor on?
Come on! You bit my ear,
you fucking [beep] weasel!
-That's my fucking [beep] ear!
-[suspense music]
-[screaming and yelling]
I overreacted, I'm sorry!
I, I overreacted.
Yeah, yeah, so today's,
uh, my last day working
with SENSAI. Uh...
There's just
too much work to do.
I honestly cannot believe
how many people
he's being sued by.
I thought, I thought,
I thought, I thought,
-that it was a joke
when he said...
-[man mumbles on background]
...that he bit a guy's ear off
on tape and put it
in his TV show.
And then the guy's suing him.
I thought it was like a stunt
or something, but he did.
[slow rock music]
After biting off
Dom Mazzetti's ear,
SENSAI was facing
some serious charges,
but he had finally shown
that asshole who's boss.
Fearing for their average lives,
the entire film crew quit.
Well, that sucked.
Don't think
I wanna do this anymore.
Being famous is not
all that it's cracked up to be.
Fucking leg hurts.
Fuck, you have the keys?
[sighs] I got the keys.
[groans] Coen didn't even
do anything.
He just sat there.
It was uncalled for.
It's uncalled for.
[door unlocking]
[door opens]
[coughs and spits]
I fucked up a lot.
This was my one opportunity
to pay Coen back.
And to be a good father
and a good husband.
And to be famous again.
And I f-- I just-- I fucking
lost all the money again.
So. [sighs]
I just...
Oh, fuck.
-[clears throat]
-[music stops]
Holy fuck you're quiet, dude!
Why-- You're always,
like, lingering.
Why are you so quiet?
Cops showed up to arrest SENSAI,
but he was nowhere to be found.
He had mysteriously escaped.
-[slow rock music resumes]
-But he, uh...
-What do you mean?
-I mean we're ending
at six episodes.
We, we're done. Uh...
No. No, no. 'Cause, uh...
You know, it's, it's, it's seven
that you're gonna shoot next
and then it's,
and then it's my episode.
I, I get it, but we're,
we, we're closing up.
We're closing shop now.
You know, I'm just exhausted.
I mean I'm just
absolutely exhausted. It's...
It was exciting. It was,
it was an exciting opportunity,
I, uh...
It was a little weird
my DJ booth was never
actually in the studio
and I wasn't ever really
recorded during my own segments.
Which were promised
contractually to me.
He wanted the narrator
from Roadhouse,
but I, I told him
that guy was, was, was dead.
You know what's funny?
I never met the guy. [laughs]
No. Uh, we met offline.
But I love Beach Kumite.
You know, that first episode?
It changed my life.
Yeah, I would say
it was difficult working
with him at times.
Uh, main reason
'cause I never got paid.
[slow rock music continues]
-[music fades]
-[waves crashing]
[upbeat synth-pop music]