Kapil Sharma: I'm Not Done Yet (2022) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the one and the only,
Kapil Sharma!
Thank you so much!
Thanks a lot! Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Please take your seats. Thank you!
I'm sure all of you
have taken the vaccine.
Okay. We've taken
all safety precautions as well.
We got everybody's RTGS done.
Sorry, I meant RT-PCR.
Everyone has been tested
and you'll be happy to know
only nine people have
tested COVID positive.
But don't worry,
we have seated them
at the table in the back.
And if you don't enjoy my performance,
they will occasionally
come up to you and sneeze on your face.
We're not doing these sound effects today!
This is not for TV, bro.
You all look good seated like this.
You'll get your full fees,
just don't do any of that.
So when I was set to appear
on Netflix, my friends got to know
and they asked me,
"Why are you going to Netflix?"
"You're doing everything on TV."
"It's going well for you."
I said, "Because I feel
I'm not done yet!"
Those words go very well with my life.
I'm never satisfied.
I always want to keep doing more and more.
Before coming here today,
I stood in front of the mirror
and kept repeating,
"I'm not done yet."
My wife threw a pillow at me.
She said, "We've had
two kids in a year and a half!"
"What's your plan?"
"What do you mean by 'I'm not done yet'?"
My wife
She'd been saying
since we got married three years ago
that I don't give her enough time.
Now I've spent so much time with her,
she made me take the vaccine and asked,
"Why don't you go to work?"
She got me the Netflix deal.
You know that red Netflix logo?
It makes you feel young!
People exchange looks
of wonder and anticipation.
See, our generation I was born in 1981.
We grew up watching Doordarshan.
Their logo did not appear with a "Tudum."
It was a slow channel.
It took five minutes just to warm up.
Then the logo would appear.
The two fish on the logo
would start circling,
and their circular motion
would hypnotize you so much
that after that,
you'd end up enjoying any TV show!
I've watched a lot of Krishi Darshan.
And I don't even own a farm or land,
I still know how to protect
cotton crops from pests.
Netflix is available
in the remotest of towns now.
You won't believe
what my driver said to me the other day,
"Sir, have you watched
Money Heeest on Naxalites?"
I said, "Get the name right first."
"It's not Naxalites, it's Netflix."
"And it's not Money Heeest,
it's Money Heist."
Though to be honest, even I got
the name right after the fifth season.
You must have seen Money Heist.
Eight or ten people wear those red masks,
wear those dresses to go rob a bank.
Such a wasted expense by Netflix!
They should've learned from Vijay Mallya
you don't even need
to go to a bank to rob it!
A guy like me who doesn't ask
for extra chili flakes on his pizza
just to avoid speaking English
Even I've watched English movies
on Netflix. Can you believe that?
I watch every movie twice.
You know of my complicated
relationship with English.
It's just like
a husband-wife's relationship.
I love her
but I don't really understand her.
So I've seen every movie twice.
The second time,
I'd watch the actors say those lines.
You know how things are
in villages and small towns in India.
Even after having three kids,
the husband has not seen his wife's face.
Until then both of them
Speaking of population,
we rank first in the world.
And I'm very proud of my country.
We are very hard working.
We have a turnover
of 70,000 babies per day.
Per day!
We birth the entire population
of Australia every year,
and then send them to Canada.
I'm very happy to see you all smiling.
We should always keep smiling.
May God never take our smiles away.
Mine had disappeared recently.
It's not a joke. I was depressed.
I didn't enjoy anything.
I'd go on Twitter
and get into fights with people.
Articles were being published about me,
"Kapil Sharma is in depression."
"He's done, he's finished"
I didn't feel like talking to anyone.
I remember I had
newly subscribed to Netflix at the time.
I used to watch Narcos,
the show had just been released.
I would lock myself in my room.
My dog, Zanjeer, used to be with me.
I used to be locked in my room,
and he used to keep staring at me.
He'd wonder if I was going to feed him
or he'd have to feed me.
You know?
So I used to be drunk at night
and watch Narcos.
Until three drinks,
I would remember the plot.
On my fourth drink,
I'd forget what was going on.
So I'd watch it again in the morning.
Zanju would again stare at me, confused.
"Didn't he watch this episode last night?"
He was a retired police dog.
So he was also worried.
He'd be like, "I caught
substance abusers all my life."
"And this guy is drinking
right here in this room,
and making me a passive drinker too!"
And, you know, depression
Unfortunately, people in our country
are not very aware of it.
No one knows what this disorder is
and the one
who suffers from it doesn't know either.
I didn't know.
I read in the paper that I was depressed!
Seriously! I told my friends,
they were no better.
I said, "I think I am depressed."
"What rubbish!
There is nothing called depression."
"Have a couple of drinks, you'll be fine."
I was like, "That's not how it works."
He said, "Well, I had kidney stones."
"I had beer for a week,
now they're all gone."
I was like
And you know, we think that
depression is a white person's disease.
We can never get it.
Just like white people
never get our diseases.
Have you ever heard
of someone called David
getting Chikungunya?
Or whooping cough?
Have you ever seen a poster
on a foreign train that reads,
"Contact Peter for hemorrhoids"?
Have you been to the US
And seen this written somewhere,
"To regain your masculine power,
contact Baba Anthony Gonsalves." No!
It will always say "Baba Bengali."
Then some people
advised me to consult a therapist.
I found an app,
it had a list of "mental health
professionals in your city."
There was a senior doctor listed there.
Below his picture, it said,
"Forty-year experience in mental illness."
I was confused! I was like,
depression came to our country
only 15 years ago.
What was he doing
for 25 years before that?
Finally, I found a therapist.
I went to her. She couldn't believe it.
She said, "Tell me, what's the problem?"
"How are you feeling?"
I said, "Ma'am,
I don't feel like doing anything."
"I don't enjoy anything."
She's like, "How can that be?"
"You make the world laugh!
I don't believe this."
I said, "Ma'am, you are so beautiful."
"But I'm not enjoying
sitting across you either."
She turned very serious.
She said, "Oh, my God,
you're in severe depression."
She said, "What makes you have
these negative thoughts?"
I was like, "If I knew that,
I would've treated myself!"
There was some fake news
doing the rounds at that time.
I'll tell you how fake news is made.
I had a gym injury a few days earlier,
and I was in a wheelchair,
taking a flight to go somewhere
for treatment,
and someone took a picture of me.
The next day, what do I see in the news?
"Kapil Sharma's show drops ratings."
"Salman Khan breaks his limbs."
Do you think this would ever happen?
If Shah Rukh Khan has a flop film,
do you think Aditya Chopra
will be standing holding a cane,
"Shah Rukh, lie down.
I have to beat you a little"?
Or Karan Johar going,
"Shah Rukh, I don't want to do this
but I have to punch you on the face."
It does not happen!
These fake news creators
And the news was constantly reporting,
"Kapil's stars are
in an unfavorable position."
"He'll remain drunk."
So I was like, "If it's in my stars,
then let's order another bottle."
So my therapist asked me,
"How do you feel after you drink?"
I said, "I feel high."
"And then I go onto Twitter
and fight with high-profile people."
I've realized one thing.
I've realized, when you get popular,
you move in certain circles,
you constantly get applauded,
you take pictures with people.
But when you come home, you are alone.
You become lonely.
Especially a guy like me,
who wasn't married.
Who will he share his inner thoughts with?
So I'd go on Twitter.
One day, I got drunk.
Got drunk and tweeted
to a very big politician.
I won't take his name
because he's the Prime Minister.
I have not told anyone
about how it happened.
But I'd like to tell you today.
I had had a bad day.
So I thought let me at least
make my night better.
Little did I know that
one night would ruin many more.
So after I had my first drink,
I was irritated
at how things were at home.
Like, what's going on here?
So I had a cook.
He claimed to be a cook.
I found out six years later
that he'd come to become a singer.
He'd never ask me what I wanted to eat.
He'd just tell me,
"Sir, I've cooked eggplant."
I kept eating the eggplants
he decided to cook for six years.
And he kept drinking
the single malt I picked out.
He fed me so many eggplants,
I swear, once my blood test
came back "eggplant positive."
So the first drink made me
angry with things at home.
After the second drink,
I found faults with my building.
"It's always waterlogged.
This is not right."
After my third drink,
I reached the national level.
"What's happening
in our country is not okay."
By the fourth drink, my cook joined me.
"Give me a drink too." So I
He had a couple of them too.
I thought, if he's being open
with his boss after three drinks,
let me open up to my boss too.
So I tweeted.
The way his supporters
rewarded me after that
The abuses I got
I can't tell you!
Although nobody acknowledged the fact
that even after eight drinks,
I made no spelling mistakes.
Nobody cares about talent.
Indians have this habit.
We start judging
the whole world after we drink.
I don't think we should
because a man who doesn't know
how much he should drink tonight,
is judging the whole world.
I am basically from Punjab.
No one ever told us
how much alcohol is enough.
I came to Mumbai and saw
When people party,
they go through the entire party
with two drinks. All night.
They make business plans.
They create new TV shows.
People like us have eight drinks
and shut down
the show that's already on air.
And I didn't end it with that one tweet.
I fell asleep, got up to pee,
and made another tweet.
What I have observed is,
the kind of alcohol you drink
decides the kind of thoughts you'll have.
I must've had expensive alcohol that day.
I directly tweeted the Prime Minister.
If I'd had cheap alcohol,
I might've stopped at fighting
about eggplants with the cook.
In the morning, I got up
and opened the curtains.
I was hungover.
I threw the curtains open
and saw OB vans parked downstairs.
OB vans that
broadcast things live, you know?
I didn't know at the time.
I thought they were fire trucks.
I called my cook
and asked what's happening.
"Is there a fire?
They have fire trucks here."
"Is something on fire?"
He said, "It's your doing.
You set Twitter on fire last night."
I got mad.
I said, "Why didn't you stop me?"
He said, "How could I? I was drunk too."
"I retweeted it as well!"
I didn't know what to do!
So many reporters around my house!
I quickly left for the Maldives.
Stayed there for some eight to nine days.
As soon as I got there,
I asked for a room
with no internet access.
They asked, "Did you just get married?"
"No, I've just tweeted something."
You won't believe it.
For the number of days I stayed there,
it cost me nine lakh rupees.
My entire education
has not cost me as much as
that one tweet cost me.
I seriously want to sue Twitter.
You know how Twitter warns you
on a few political tweets, it says,
"Manipulated tweet."
Why couldn't they warn
people about my tweet and tag it,
"Drunk tweet. Just ignore him"?
Would've saved me money!
And I I don't understand
the system in our country.
If I say something at night,
you should reply to me
at night as well, and end it there.
Because in the morning,
my ideology is different.
And I want to openly share this today.
All those tweets that were controversial,
they were not mine.
Some were by "Jack Daniel."
Some by "Johnnie Walker."
Some of them were "Absolut" mine.
But for such small issues,
you can't "Black Label" an artist.
I mean, you can't blacklist them.
Now, listening to me talk,
my therapist cheered up too.
It's just my style,
the way I narrate a story.
So she got a bit cheeky.
"So you're a Punjabi!"
"You must be from Patiala."
I said, "First of all,
this is Faridabad, not Patiala."
"A Patiala is this tall."
"It's too big for your hands."
You know, when you are a comedian
and someone else tries to make you laugh,
you know you really are depressed.
I said, "I'm not from Patiala.
I'm from Amritsar."
So she asked me
what my childhood was like.
I told her
I spent my childhood in Amritsar.
There are three things
Amritsar is famous for.
One is the Wagah border,
then the Golden Temple,
and the third is
the chole kulche vendors between the two.
Tandoori kulchas. People love them.
My brother just landed from Amritsar,
after stuffing himself with four kulchas.
The one in the red coat.
He loves me.
He loves two things.
Me and his tummy.
He's got his tummy with him today.
And seriously, our people
are so obsessed with kulchas,
in the 15 minutes that I've been on stage,
people in Amritsar
must have gobbled down 14 lakh kulchas.
God knows what they're afraid of.
That someday, someone will show up
at 8 p.m. and ban kulchas,
saying, "Friends"
"From 8 p.m. tonight,
no more kulchas!"
"Everyone will have
only dhokla from tomorrow."
It could happen.
Let me tell you how I was named Kapil.
I was named when
the Indian cricket team won the World Cup.
Kapil Dev was the captain then.
My father loved cricket.
So he named me Kapil Sharma.
Thank God the West Indies
didn't win that day.
Else I'd be named Clive Lloyd.
Even my mother would have
never been able to say it.
This is my photo as a child.
Actually, you guys are so sweet
and being so nice to me,
I cannot lie to you.
This is my brother's picture. That one.
When I asked
for my pictures for this show,
I told him to send me my baby pictures.
He sent me this.
You can see his text below,
"This is my picture. See if it works."
Finally, I found
a picture of me with my dad.
I'd like to show it to you.
I'm not in the mood to lie today.
This one is also my brother, not me.
I just found one picture of me, very rare.
Let me show it to you guys.
This is my picture
from when I was a child.
Actually, this one
is not mine either.
This is my son, Trishaan.
I see my own childhood in him these days.
Because when you haven't
seen your childhood, you
see it in your own children.
What actually happened was,
all this photography
My brother is older than me.
My dad fulfilled all his photography
ambitions with the first child.
There are no pictures of me as a kid.
I was not a planned kid anyway.
I was an unplanned baby.
What happened was my father had a fever,
and he took a day off.
By 3 p.m., his fever came down
and I was made.
My father was a very nice man.
I've noticed,
no matter which country one is from,
people are scared of two things.
Their father and cops.
Unfortunately, my father was both.
He was a cop and he was my dad.
He was a cop first and my dad second.
A very handsome man.
My father raised me really well.
He enrolled me in a boys' school,
where beating up was
more of a norm than studying.
We'd get slapped
as if teachers were being paid per slap.
I had a math teacher.
He was such a mean man!
If you took a second-long pause
to answer his question
Bam! You'd get slapped.
I was not treated like this
because I used to sing.
He'd make me sing,
and then he'd slap me.
For years, I was confused about
whether I was bad at singing or math.
Imagine, for 14 years,
an artist kept getting
beaten up for Rs. 250 a month.
So my therapist said,
"Okay, you didn't really like studying."
"So what were you interested in?"
I said I really liked music.
I decided to leave the school
and the slaps in the past.
In college, I thought
I'd pick the subjects that I liked.
I decided to pick what I wanted to.
So I went to college and said,
"I want to study music."
They don't consider music a subject!
They didn't offer it.
I asked, "Don't you offer music?"
They said, "No. You can study Geography."
How does that make any sense?
It's like I go
to a shop and ask for masks,
and they're like,
"Buy underwear, that's also a garment."
I know it's a garment
but look at where you wear it!
One protects your life
the other protects your modesty.
If you make a kid study against his will,
he's bound to become a comedian.
And the college that produces comedians
does not produce Prime Ministers, does it?
Well, in our country, it does.
For instance, our ex-Prime Minister
Sardar Manmohan Singh
studied at the same college where I did.
I mean, the college where he studied,
was the same college
where I did not study.
He did great things.
He did big things
but he would not speak much.
Someone else has taken up that mantle.
It's me.
Do not misinterpret
the joke and get me in trouble!
I had the good fortune
to meet Manmohan Singh once.
Because he's a very intellectual,
gifted statesman who's also from Amritsar.
I went to meet him.
It was winter.
He had ordered revdis,
they were kept in front of him.
He took a fistful for himself.
His wife grabbed his hand,
"No, you are not allowed."
I got lost in thought.
I thought,
"This man ran the country for ten years."
"Let him have at least
one revdi for each year!"
This is a photo
of when I met him for the first time.
Watch carefully. He's telling me
At this moment, he was saying,
"I got these many revdis."
Let me show you the next photo.
This was after the revdis
were taken from him.
Look at his hands.
He has one revdi hidden in each fist.
But what a man!
Please, a huge round of applause for him!
Well, I didn't get
to study music in college.
But one good thing did happen,
I joined the theatre.
I enjoyed theatre so much
and I won so many prizes
that I failed in my first year.
Look at that, so many prizes.
You get a lot of appreciation in theatre,
just no money.
And I never asked my parents for money.
Because I knew I wouldn't get it anyway.
When I told my therapist about this,
she started connecting it to things.
She was almost like Simi Garewal.
She threw her hair on the side, saying
"Looks like your family
did not support you."
I said, "What? No. That's not true."
She thought I had
to work to support myself.
I said, "You know,
middle-class people like me,
we grow up the day we find out
that our father's income
is less than the household expenses."
We become adults on that day.
So I used to do odd jobs here and there.
She asked me if my father supported me.
I said, "Of course, he did."
"People come to Bombay
with pennies in their pockets."
"I had 1,200 rupees when I came."
You know the three-month break
you get after graduation?
I decided to go to Bombay and struggle.
And what we read or hear
in the news, we assume it to be true.
At that time, I used to read
that the underworld was ruling Mumbai.
So I hid the 1,200 bucks in my underwear.
As if the underworld was waiting
for me at Dadar station
to grab hold of my 1,200 rupees.
Thank you!
You might've heard interviews of big stars
who claim to have struggled hard.
They claim to have slept
in the train station.
Trust me, they're lying.
They don't allow you to sleep there.
They kick, abuse,
and hit you with a stick.
All three together.
You are confused about
which one to react to first.
So we arrived at Dadar station,
it was around 11:30 p.m.
We went to my friend's
distant relative's home.
Everything was new.
The city of Mumbai, the language
At 11:30 at night, they asked,
"Would you like some snacks?"
I said, "Sure, we will."
He returned with poha.
I'm looking at the poha
while my friends stare at my face.
I asked him, "So
What do I sprinkle this on?"
We had never seen it before!
I thought it was a side dish.
Maybe you eat it with yogurt or parathas.
I asked, "Is this it?"
He said, "Yeah!"
You know when
we celebrate Lohri in Punjab,
we throw poha into the fire.
Here, they add peanuts and turmeric
and throw them in their tummies.
We didn't get it.
A lot of
I saw a lot of new things in Mumbai.
For instance, poha was new to me.
Elevators were new to me.
We didn't have high rises in Amritsar.
Well, now we do.
But it was a luxury for me at that time.
For the first week,
we'd go inside buildings
and travel up and down in the elevator!
It was fun! Ting!
And down.
We were so happy to have come to Mumbai!
One day, the elevator
stopped on some floors
it was the T-series office.
He was like, "Who would you like to meet?"
I said, "Whoever is free."
We had no plans!
So we were in Mumbai
but we had no idea what to do.
We had read in books
and seen in the movies
that you should go to Juhu beach.
That's where directors will discover you.
My friends and I
Seriously, my friends and I
would dress up and go to Juhu beach.
We'd look into people's eyes
hoping to find directors.
Other people were looking
into our eyes thinking we were directors!
And I seriously
Out of all the people we saw
on Juhu beach that day,
I realized,
half of them had taken
the Dadar Express with us.
We had already decided
that we would stay away
from alcohol in Mumbai.
We couldn't afford it anyway.
And we wanted
to focus on achieving things.
But then we discovered something new,
For those who don't know what toddy is,
it is a natural fruit.
They put a vessel under it,
and the intoxicating liquid
drips down into it.
We didn't have money, so we ordered toddy.
I'm sitting there, drinking.
I had a mugful, another half a mug.
I wasn't getting high!
But when I got up,
my legs had turned into noodles.
It didn't reach my brain.
It got me high below the belt.
I was like, "What is this?"
Remember I said
the kind of alcohol you drink
determines the kind of thoughts you get?
Like expensive alcohol made me
tweet to important people.
When we began drinking toddy,
we were broke,
so we kept getting bizarre thoughts.
"Well, we're not getting into movies,
maybe we can be
daily wage workers for a few days."
"Or let's carry a bottle of oil to Juhu
and offer people massages."
"Or start a vada pav cart."
"We can also offer henna art."
"Let's do something like that"
After struggling for three months,
we ran out of money and toddy.
It was time to return to Amritsar.
We had to go back to college.
But we were scared of going back.
Because if you stay in your own city
and don't achieve anything,
nobody says anything.
But if you go to Mumbai
and cannot achieve anything,
people humiliate you!
Seriously. Before I could get home,
the neighbors were there.
"So when is your film coming out?"
People humiliate you so much!
"So what's Madhuri Dixit up to?"
Why would Madhuri Dixit tell me that?
I wasn't afraid of people though.
I was scared of what my dad would say.
But when I went back,
Dad was in a different mood.
He was so happy!
He had the fridge filled with beer.
He told me to invite my friends
who had gone to Mumbai with me.
He wanted to give them a treat.
I wondered if he was planning
to scold us after drinks.
Is he setting us up? What's he doing?
I used to be very scared of my dad.
It was the first time I saw him this way.
I went to my friends and said,
"Dad has invited you all for drinks."
"Do not drink too much."
I also told dad,
"They don't drink much.
Only occasionally."
"So don't force them."
That night, my friends stayed sober.
So did my dad.
I was the only one drunk,
lying on the floor.
I would always fear him.
He was a cop, and he was my father.
But that day,
when he invited my friends for drinks,
I realized I was like,
"He takes after me!"
So I realized that
In India, a son has
so much respect for a father,
there's also fear perhaps,
and it creates a communication gap.
If you see in other countries,
boys introduce their girlfriends
to their fathers.
"Hey, Dad, meet my girlfriend
Natalia, yeah."
After two drinks,
the dad also starts dancing.
It's friendly
White people are friendly.
Here, if a boy is
riding a scooter with his girlfriend,
and sees his father ahead,
he'll leave the scooter running,
with the girlfriend sitting on it.
He knows otherwise he'll get beaten up.
That day was the first time
I sat with my father and had drinks.
The first and probably the last time.
Because then my father
got diagnosed with cancer.
He passed away.
I must have been 21 at the time,
I didn't get it.
I had just found out that
along with being a cop and a father,
he could also be my friend.
And he was taken away from me.
Sometimes, life does that.
You imagine and plan
what you'll do
for your father in the future.
But sometimes,
you don't get that opportunity.
So love and cherish your fathers
with all your heart while they're there.
It's a lesson I've learned in life.
It happens. You might have noticed
or observed sometimes.
I think
when someone's counting
his last moments in the hospital
surrounded by family,
he shares a lot of secrets.
He'll call his sons, "Child,
I didn't tell you
but I own a farmhouse there."
"I have three crores
in that account, take it out."
"These are the shares I'd bought"
This is rich people's talk.
When people like us are on our deathbeds,
we just hand out more chores.
Sorry, but I
It feels quite dramatic
but my father said to me before he died,
"We still have
to get your sister married."
"We don't have our own house."
We stayed in police quarters.
I didn't really get
the seriousness. I was 20.
I said, "Dad, we'll do all of that."
"Don't worry. Just get better."
But I probably could not understand
that he knew he did not have time.
So my dad did tell me about the house
and my sister's marriage.
But I knew whom to settle down with.
That's Ginni, my wife.
I met Ginni in college.
She would come
to college in a 20-lakh-rupee car.
And I owned a second-hand scooter.
So my friends would come and tell me
She used to like me
and my friends told me that.
I was like, "Hey!"
"Have you seen her car?"
"Seen my scooter?"
"My scooter costs as much as
what she spends on fuel every day!"
I said, "Her father sends her
to college in this expensive car."
"Imagine how many cars
he'll send to beat me up."
I already knew Ginni liked me.
Boys are cheeky like that,
they always know.
But because I had studied
in a boys' school,
I wasn't very confident.
She got me lunch one time.
I didn't think about
the love behind that act.
I thought she might have seen my scooter
and thought I couldn't afford food either.
I even said to her,
"Ginni, food is not a problem."
"It's just petrol that I can't afford."
And she
She was my favorite actress.
We used to do theatre together.
I used to assign her a lot of work.
She used to call me
and report what happened
and how many rehearsals they did.
One day, she called me up.
I had had some Officer's Choice.
High thought.
As soon as I picked up, I asked,
"Do you love me?"
She was taken aback. "What?"
"How did this man get the courage to ask?"
Thank God I had not had toddy that day.
If I had had toddy,
I'd have probably asked her,
"Ginni, does your dad need a driver?"
I want to tell Ginni, I've never
She has never attended my shows before.
Ginni, you are from a high-class family.
A rich family.
-What made you love a scooter owner?
Well, I thought that
everyone loves a rich guy.
Let me do some charity for this poor guy.
Is this what Netflix called me for?
I really want to ask.
You've supported me
in achieving all my dreams.
You must have some of your own dreams too.
Forget it, we're married now.
Can't a person dream after marriage?
Well, you can dream if you get to sleep.
Have you ever let me sleep?
Please take back her mic.
Or tomorrow, I'll find out
Netflix is firing me and signing her up.
We used to be very afraid
when we were dating.
We'd meet around four times a year,
with difficulty.
I learned when I came to Mumbai
that you can openly date,
it's not a crime.
I'm serious.
Where can you go on dates in a small town?
At best, we'd go to a Chinese place.
And we'd be scared,
will the cops find us
before the waiter does?
The noodles cost 40 bucks.
If a cop showed up, they'd be 140.
You know what our
kind of courtship looks like?
If we share a cold drink
with two straws in the same can,
it's as good as a French kiss.
For poor people like us.
So we were doing theatre.
I was also interested in singing
So there's a popular Punjabi singer,
Amrinder Gill.
I joined him as a backup singer.
"Backup singer" sounds very fancy.
It sounds like
the replacement for the main singer.
Let me tell you what backup singers do.
Say, there's a song going on.
Don't smile and walk by
I have fallen in love
Aye haye
I have fallen in love
Oye hoye
So filler sounds like
"aye haye" and "oye hoye"
were my parts.
Don't smile and walk by
I am in love
I'm dying!
The "I'm dying!" was my part.
That was my job.
Now, small towns in Punjab
have weddings in the morning. Thank you!
So someone booked this singer.
It was my first show,
and for some reason,
he could not get there
and he asked us to cancel.
I took Dinesh with me.
We hired him just to convey cancellations.
So we went to tell them we can't do it.
And, in Punjabi weddings,
it's a status symbol
to have a famous singer sing.
Many people print it
on the invitation cards.
Dinesh and I went,
and I spoke with them.
"We're here on behalf of the singer."
They welcomed us with such respect!
It was a wedding,
so everyone was drinking.
I told them,
"Sir, there's been a problem."
"The lead singer
won't be able to come tomorrow."
He was like, "Oh. Okay."
"Can you shut the door for a minute?"
He got us to close the door for him.
We bolted it shut and sat down.
He was very respectful too.
He got us to stay.
He's like, "Son, the thing is
I'll let you go only when he turns up."
We were kidnapped
but with all the respect in the world.
He offered us drinks.
I had one.
I had two, then three.
If I can argue
with the Prime Minister after six drinks,
I can obviously argue
with the village chief after three.
I started off.
I said, "Sir, you cannot
stop us like this."
He said, "Son,
I can shoot you if I wished to."
So I said, "Well, point us to our beds."
We felt so humiliated,
my morale dropped down.
The singer turned up
for the wedding the next day.
We were, at last, released.
Then the family began to shoot their guns.
In our weddings, you don't know
if they're shooting out of excitement
or anger at the singer's tardiness.
Everybody was shooting bullets.
Slowly, they climbed up
the stage all the while shooting,
and we got pushed down.
I hid behind a large loudspeaker.
Today, 20 years later, I've realized
If they'd have shot in my direction,
I would have died anyway.
Everyone who was shooting
was on the stage,
and we were down there.
Aye haye, I'm in love, I'm dying!
I had never sung the words
"I'm dying!" with such feeling!
In every love story,
the man wants
to achieve something in life.
I also did.
Ginni loved me.
We could not marry
while I could only afford a scooter.
So I wanted to do something in life too.
I was doing okay.
Dad had given me
two responsibilities before he left.
The third one was my own.
Although I think
Dad just mentioned
the responsibilities to me,
he didn't ask me to do it.
He got everything done after that.
You know, I often feel
that he may not physically be among us,
but he guides me as a guardian angel.
He showed me the path
that got me to Mumbai.
It was 2007.
I was selected
for a TV show for the first time.
The Great Indian Laughter Challenge.
So when I first came to Bombay,
we took a Kingfisher flight.
It was a chilled flight.
Obviously, they're brewers.
It'd have to be.
I thought the cabin
would be filled with beer as well.
We landed in Andheri.
They set me up
in a service apartment in Andheri.
That was when I realized that
when we had come to Mumbai the first time,
we hadn't really seen Mumbai.
We stayed at Mira Road and left.
Mira Road was a struggler in Mumbai too.
The Laughter Challenge folks
gave us a two-bedroom flat.
Two guys would stay in each room.
The living room was empty.
We weren't used to empty space.
Because when we first came,
eight of us would sleep
in such tiny space,
that we even had the same dreams.
So close together.
You know how people think
ghosts haunt people?
If ghosts had wanted to haunt us,
they'd have taken a look and left
because they had no space
to haunt us either.
That's how it was.
The creative team of the show
used to give us
the Bombay Times every day.
"Bombay Times. Read this."
"Make some jokes on current affairs."
I was like, "If we could read this,
would we come and tell jokes here?"
Who would read Bombay Times?
They said, "Go outside
and observe people."
"There's a swimming pool down there."
The director told us.
"Go and take a swim in there."
"It'll open your mind."
I said, "There are girls
swimming in there."
He's like, "So what?
You can go have a swim too."
We had never
even stepped into a girls' school.
How could we have the confidence
to enter a pool with girls in it?
I mustered courage and went to the pool.
When we entered the swimming pool,
we learned a new concept.
Swimming costume.
They asked us if we had swimming costumes.
I was like, "What's that?"
We're used to bathing in lakes,
along with the buffaloes.
We never stopped them,
and they never stopped us.
You know?
Neither of us ever wore swimsuits.
In fact, we'd swim in the lakes
and even milk
the buffaloes while we were at it.
I mean, you know,
we had an intimate relationship with them.
So anyway, as life would have it.
I won the Laughter Challenge.
For the first time in my life,
it was a very important moment,
I'd won ten lakh rupees.
That money
Have a look.
I actually thought
We often underestimate ourselves.
I thought I'd never
achieve anything more than this.
I got this check framed
and put it up in our Amritsar house.
Ten lakh rupees.
When I encashed it in the bank,
I only got Rs. 690,000.
They deducted Rs. 310,000.
I fought with the Star channel team,
I asked them where the rest of it was.
They said, "They cut the TDS."
I said, "Who said you could do that?"
They said, "We don't
need permission to do that."
I said, "Why would you cut it?
I didn't even swim in the pool!"
Well, life slowly
started getting on track.
So you start getting show offers.
You start being around famous people.
Harbhajan Singh, who's a bowler
in the Indian cricket team,
once called me up.
He asked me
if I'd perform for the Mumbai Indians.
Mumbai Indians, the cricket team.
I was awestruck. Wow!
I went to the venue.
It was just 15 people there.
Sachin Tendulkar, Sanath Jayasuriya,
Nita Ambani,
the biggest wife in India.
I mean, the wife
of the biggest businessman in India.
Famous people.
Sachin Tendulkar, Nita Ambani
Performing in front of them was the man
who just got TDS cut off of his prize.
All my jokes were poor people's jokes.
About how in Amritsar,
we eat puris and chole and stuff.
Nita Ambani was looking at me, thinking,
"Which country is he from?"
"What is poor?"
I'd tell her my father was a cop.
She's like, "That must be his pastime."
"He must have a business too, right?"
Rich people
I'm telling joke after joke.
Nothing was landing.
The rich have their own world.
They wear stones in their fingers.
We have them in our kidneys.
You laughed. She did not.
Looks like you're not so rich.
Not a single one of my jokes landed.
Harbhajan Singh was worried too
because he'd called me to perform.
He was worried
Nita Ambani would cut his salary!
When someone bombs at a performance,
he doesn't want
to stay there even for a second.
He wants to disappear from there!
Just vanish somehow.
But they'd planned a dinner.
They asked me to eat before I left.
I just wished
they wouldn't talk about the show.
But he did.
"You know, I've seen you on TV."
"You do amazing there."
"But when it's live,
it's a bit You know?"
I honestly felt so embarrassed!
He turned his back
for a moment and I took off.
I was so embarrassed.
A few days later,
I saw Mumbai Indians in a match.
Harbhajan conceded three
to four sixes back to back in an over.
That's when I felt a bit better.
I texted him.
I said, "Sometimes, a man
plays amazing in the nets,
you know"
"But when it's on TV, it's a bit"
So I got popular.
After that, I created
my own show, Comedy Nights.
It made me even more popular.
How do you know how popular you are?
Your name gets used in different things.
When the 2014 elections were close,
the two Prime Ministerial candidates
were running against each other.
One of them mentioned my name,
I won't take his name
because he's still the Prime Minister.
In some rally, he said that
Rahul Gandhi is such a great comedian
that he'll shut Kapil Sharma's show.
I don't really understand politics.
I just picked that video clip
and posted it on my Facebook.
That was when I realized
that Rahul Gandhi
also has a lot of followers.
Along with Hindi,
I was abused in Italian too.
I took all of it.
It's not like I don't eat pasta, you know?
Popularity is not only defined
by people mentioning your name.
Sometimes, you don't even notice
that you're misusing your name.
I had a cousin visiting from London.
She said she wanted
to see Shah Rukh Khan's house.
I was a few drinks down.
I said, "Sure, no problem."
I went to show her the house.
There was some film party going on there.
The gates were open.
Look how we misuse our fame.
I asked the driver to enter the gates.
The security people saw
it's me and allowed us to pass.
They thought I was invited.
When I went in,
I realized I made a mistake.
When I got out of the car,
I decided to leave.
As I was leaving,
some personal manager
of Shah Rukh Khan came up.
He's like, "Oh, it's you.
Shah Rukh Sir is inside, come."
This was at 3 a.m.
Now, I'm wearing shorts
and Skechers shoes.
I'm chewing on paan. All high.
I go and open the door.
Gauri Khan and some
of her friends were sitting inside.
It's 3 a.m.
They thought Shah Rukh must've invited me.
I said hello.
She's like, "Shah Rukh is inside. Please."
I went inside. Shah Rukh was there.
He was SRK at home too.
He was dancing as he does in the movies.
I was baffled.
I went up to him and apologized.
The party was almost over.
Everyone except a few people had left.
I said, "Sorry. My cousin was visiting."
"She wanted to see
Shah Rukh Khan's house."
"It was open, so I came in."
He said, "If my bedroom door is open,
would you enter there too?"
Jokes apart,
I was a gatecrasher.
But I stayed the longest.
I was there
for three to four hours, danced with him.
I had fun.
He walked me to the gates.
All his staff took pictures with me.
Shah Rukh himself clicked them.
That day, I realized
I felt like I'd achieved
so much having won one show.
But the world is so much bigger.
I'm at Shah Rukh Khan's place.
A global star.
He's being so nice to me.
I realized that day
"I'm not done yet."
"I have so much left to do!"
So I was telling
my therapist all these stories.
She said, "Based on all
the life stories you told me,
whenever you achieved something,
you did not feel you were done."
"Even when you lost your father,
you did not feel this low."
"But after having achieved so much,
what do you do for leisure, to relax?"
"Have you ever taken a break?"
In these 23 or 24 years,
I've never taken a break.
My father was a cop,
they don't get any holidays.
So I never thought
I should take a break either.
I just kept working.
So a friend of mine from London called me.
He said, "Come to Amsterdam."
"It's a 45-minute flight
from London. I'll come too."
So I went to Amsterdam.
I really want to thank
my therapist for making me do it.
I went there and saw
rich people who owned cars
were cycling.
They were drinking in the daytime.
I thought, "No one stops them."
"They are day drinking."
"I drank at night
and everyone lost their minds!"
People are sitting, feeding the ducks.
The trip was ending.
I thought I'd feed the ducks once.
I was feeding them.
There was a British woman next to me.
We started chatting.
She asked me what I did.
I said, "I'm a stand-up comedian
from India."
"What's your name?"
I said, "Kapil Sharma."
I think she texted someone.
When she got a reply back,
she says, "Oh, nice to meet you!"
I asked her
if she verified it with someone.
She said, "Yes, one
of my friends lives in the US."
"I asked her. She's an Indian."
I asked what she had said.
She said, "Yes, she says she knows Kapil."
"He's very popular."
"He just fucked up his show, he's done."
That trip changed my life.
I decided that I'd restart my show
when I got back home.
And I'd also turn a new page of life.
So I
The first thing I did
after getting back from Amsterdam
was get married.
Let me show you my wedding picture.
That's my wife.
I'm sorry, that's Deepika. I
No, I asked them
to show Ginni facing the front.
They flipped it, sorry.
I'm so sorry!
That's for the witty comebacks.
I saw another of your pictures.
Next one, please.
When did Ranveer Singh dance with you?
He married Deepika.
And he also gets to dance with my wife.
Anyway, life changed after marriage.
A year after marriage,
I had a beautiful daughter.
Her name is Anayra.
Let me tell you all,
I'm from a Hindu family.
Ginni is from a Sikh family.
Our daughter, Anayra,
has a really good quality.
Whether you greet her
with Namaste or Sat Sri Akaal,
she'll join her hands to both.
When she greets you
with her innocent face,
it feels like
she's connecting the two religions.
When you are a kid,
you love every religion.
When we grow up,
we grow apart from other religions.
I believe that
If you wish to bring the religions closer
If you wish to bring the religions closer,
there is one thing you can do.
Worship whichever God you want to,
but have a heart as pure as a kid's.
You all must be surprised that
I'm saying some sensible things today.
This is what happens
when one opens his heart.
You guys are being such
nice and patient listeners.
Not even my wife
listens to me with such patience.
Your love is making me open up today.
I'd like to show you
one last picture, please.
The person on the extreme right
is my father.
I got these pictures
after my father's death.
You will not believe,
this changed my life,
changed my whole thought process!
I did not know my father did theatre.
I found this picture after he died.
That was when I realized
why he tried to cheer me up
when I returned from Mumbai, unsuccessful.
He was an artist at heart too.
He wanted to become an artist too.
But while looking after his family,
he could not pursue his own dreams.
I think that
this is my personal experience.
We sometimes think that
the dreams we have belong to us.
Our wishes and hopes are our own.
But that's not true.
Dreams travel across generations.
Perhaps this was my father's dream.
But he could not come to this city.
I was surprised that dad
appreciated me and treated me to beer.
Perhaps he was happy that at least,
his son managed to go to Bombay
when he could not.
"He came back, but he will go again."
This is my first Netflix special.
Whenever I take up new challenges in life,
I remember my father.
I think about him.
He never got to see me as a comedian.
He always thought
I'd become an actor or a singer.
He'd make me sing all the time.
He'll feel bad
if I do not sing for him today.
Because I always believe,
he's somewhere here, watching me.
He's supporting me.
Don't be surprised.
It's an English song.
I'd like to dedicate
the song to my father.
I'm gonna keep working day and night
I'll exercise and even wake up on time
If I drink, I swear I won't lose my mind
Because you're watching
I'll protect my people from harm and wrong
I'll never forget where I belong
Even learn full lyrics of an English song
Because you're watching
I know you're watching
And I'm not done yet, yaara
I'm just a star
But you are my brightest Sitaara
You're my creator, I'm your fan
You gave me the strength
To become this man
I hope I can do what you thought I can
Because you're watching
Even when you and I live miles apart
The joy of my eyes shines in your heart
In difficult times, I'll be calm and smart
Because you're watching
I know you're watching
And I'm not done yet, yaara
I'm just a star
But you are my brightest Sitaara
I know you're watching
And I'm not done yet, yaara
I'm just a star
But you are my brightest Sitaara
The day when you found out
I started drinking
You invited me
And my friends over, thinking
A beautiful night!
What a beautiful thought!
But sorry, Dad, I was out
One more time
One more time, please, one more time
I wish I could say cheers, Papa
You are my world, I'm yours, Papa
Now your son
Is also a Papa
Thank you!
Thanks a lot!
Thank you!
Thank you, love you all!