Kate Berlant: Parmesan (2026) Movie Script
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
BY GIUSEPPE VERDI PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
World's ending.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hesitant to say that
because it feels like
a clich at this point
to talk about
how the world's ending,
'cause the world's
always been ending, right?
In the '50s, they thought
the world was ending.
In the '60s,
they said it was ending.
It's actually ending now.
Though things are wrapping up
quite quickly, in fact.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- It's interesting.
You're just walking around,
living your life,
planning for a future that
you know will never arrive.
And,
you pass people in the street,
everyone's like... (INHALES)
- "Soonish, yeah, I think."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I think probably soonish."
I realized recently
I may not have a funeral.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You think we're gonna be doling
out individual funerals...
much longer?
That's about to feel like
a very old timey ritual.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'll tell you this,
a baby born today
who lives a long
and healthy life,
They're going in a pile.
- Okay?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't like it
any more than you do.
Tell me I'm wrong!
Eighty years from today?
Piles!
What's the world
gonna be like in,
I don't know, ten years?
You think I'm gonna be
a stand-up comedian
and character actress
in ten years?
In ten years, I'm gonna be
a robot shoeshine.
I'm gonna be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "God, you're tall."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Can I please see my family?"
By the way, I will never
perform for a robot.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Humans only in my crowd.
I say that now.
But I will say,
if a robot came--
Come on,
if a robot came up tonight,
"Ticket for one
to see the wacky girl."
I'm letting him in.
Let him in. Crazy bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's bad, though. It's hard.
That's why we need vices.
I get it. My addiction?
My phone. Powerless.
Powerless against my phone.
And I know I see all of you,
"Don't take my cookie away."
You know, but...
It's gotten so bad.
I haven't touched in
with myself in six years.
And I've read the books
on phone addiction,
and they all say the same thing.
They're like,
"You know you're just
a rat in a maze, right?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, and I love cheese."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
The phone addiction is so bad,
it makes me genuinely jealous
of my ancestors,
who arguably had
worse lives than I do.
But they were free.
I think about my grandmother.
She came here from Spain.
Yeah, boo!
I'm half-Spanish, okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, so there's a Spanish
undercurrent
throughout my work.
You won't be able
to unsee it now.
My grandmother, my grandmother,
she...
She never really
learned English.
She never really drove.
She was an amazing cook.
She made her own clothes.
When the world overwhelmed
my grandmother, what did she do?
She went into her garden.
She went into her community.
When the world overwhelms me,
what do I do?
I subscribe to an account
called Crazy Clips.
I don't know if anyone here--
It's mostly videos
of unspeakable violence.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Gorillas fist-fighting
zookeepers...
tourists being eaten by sharks,
things like that.
I was recently just watching
a crazy clip to unwind, and...
(SIGHS) ...it was of a woman
escaping this horrific fire,
and she had propped her phone up
on her dashboard,
and she was
filming herself, which,
the instinct to film
one's death, I mean.
And I can't wait
to film my own death,
'cause I know it's coming.
I'm going to be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm watching this video,
and you're hearing
the guttural sobs
of someone who's sure
she's about to die.
She's like,
"Oh my God, please, no."
She goes into a tunnel.
I'm like,
"Well, don't go in there."
(LAUGHS) I don't know...
Four minutes of watching this,
the entire time,
my face is like this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She makes it out,
she survives. I feel
nothing.
So that's not good.
I was recently scrolling
just tied off on my couch like.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I saw this image
and it said,
"You are looking
at the first known image
of a previously
undiscovered solar system."
I...
could not have
scrolled by faster.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like,
"I don't want to see it!"
What's that? Because
I tell myself, I'm like,
"It's a tool for learning."
And when... when I'm--
What is it I'm looking for?
When I'm... (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Like, what is that?
What is that?
I understand that to be alive
means that we have to grapple
with bottomless longing.
I understand that.
Nothing will ever be enough.
Something will
always be missing.
But I wasn't born to do that.
Like, I...
And my focus is gone.
It's so brittle now.
I was listening to a song.
I was enjoying it.
I was like, dropping in,
listening to a song.
I'm like, "Next!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I can't read. Every now and then
I'll delete Instagram.
I'll be like. (INHALES)
"My hair will grow to my ankles.
I'll run for office."
I'm like, "This was always me."
And then I re-download
and I'm back in hell.
And I can't read anymore.
I go into a bookstore,
I get a book. I'm like, "Huh."
I flip it over.
It's like, "In a story where..."
I'm like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SCOFFS) "In a story where...?
Come on, man, let's get to it.
In a story where what?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, God. Sorry. I'm just--
Some of this is too advanced.
So I'm just...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah. Hmm.
You know when...
Sorry, but it is stand up.
So, "You know when, uh...
You know when..."
But you know when...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
You know when you're
on your phone
and you feel really agile,
you're like...
copy-pasting links,
firing off texts, you're like...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
"Whoa."
"Whoa."
I hate that. (CHUCKLES)
I hate that.
There's something
that's been going on
on Instagram, maybe for a year,
maybe it's been five years.
I don't know,
due to the phone addiction,
all sense of time
has completely collapsed.
I'd say I'm down to about...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...four memories at this point.
And there's a thing
where it'll be like,
"Comment this word to get
the link sent to your inbox."
You're familiar
with this phenomenon? Yeah.
So, I used to see people
that I knew
commenting the word,
and I'd be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Sweetie, we can see you."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Have some social media hygiene,
that's disgusting.
And then, recently,
there I was, scrolling,
and I came across
an intriguing recipe
for a parmesan-based pasta.
(SIGHS)
And in that moment,
it was like, everything left me,
connection to self, God,
literature. It all just
sloughed off like a skin,
and I surrendered finally.
I was like... (INHALES)
"Parmesan."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then I noticed
a couple comments below mine.
"Sarah Snook. Parmesan."
Sarah Snook, star of a cultural
and career-defining show,
Succession. Even she's in hell.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I don't know Sarah,
but I know this.
We ain't making that pasta.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hmm.
I know what you're thinking.
"When will the whore
put down the microphone
and have a kid?" Right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I might still have a kid.
As a joke. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
No, I might. I even froze
my eggs last summer, okay?
I've got daughters on ice. Yeah.
I just-- I don't know.
I'm living the artist's life.
Look at me. It's Thursday,
I think. You know, look at this.
I can't give this up.
And I really feel
there's still so much
I haven't seen, I haven't done.
Like, I still haven't watched
The Wire, you know? I...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Freezing my eggs, though,
it did make me open
to the possibility of a son,
which is huge, 'cause I've been
daughters-only forever,
of course.
I always thought if I had kids,
I'd have identical triplet girls
that are always in lockstep
marching behind me,
like, "Mommy!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That seems fun.
I just know--
Here's what I know.
I can't have one son.
That's the thing about me.
I can't have one son.
Like, we all know the woman
with her one beautiful boy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's a tragic dynamic.
And...
I just can't have one son.
I'm too flirty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, I can see myself
in my sixties,
a silk kimono,
a little too loose.
Like, "Where are you going?
Oh, sorry."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"That's right, you have a date
with that tramp.
At least,
fix your hair like this.
So lovely when
it frames those eyes."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, okay, it's too much.
Implied incest.
There's the line,
I crossed it, okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Thought this was a hip town.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I didn't know I was traveling
through the Bible Belt.
Y'all come here
on a steam train?
No, no, no, no,
I can take a note,
I can take a note,
I can take a note.
"Incest stuff,
too edgy or not good."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS) Yeah, yeah...
You know when someone posts
a picture of their baby
and they put an emoji
on their baby's face?
I don't like that.
I don't like that. (CHUCKLES)
I think that started
as a way to be like,
"We say no to pedophilia."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
However, when you do that,
I would argue you've created
this whole new genre of imagery.
Here's what you've done.
You've taken away
your child's subjectivity.
You've erased their face.
They're now just dangling limbs
on the internet.
And you've slapped a peach emoji
on their face.
Also, no one cares. Like...
your friends aren't all out
without you talking
about your baby's face.
Your baby's face is not tea.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Looks hard. Being a mother
looks so hard. Parenting?
All mothers are single mothers.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Sorry, a father?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A father is a family friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
By the way, a father is a dear
family friend.
Having a father is just
like having a neighbor
who happens to come out
of his house
as you happen
to come out of your house.
He's like,
"Happy graduation."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, how old are you now?"
(CHUCKLES)
"I swear you were just this big.
Goodbye."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And look, I know
there are some beautiful fathers
in the room here tonight,
and it's totally
generational too.
I have friends,
men who have kids, and...
they're involved.
You know, they've...
They've got the kid
on their shoulders.
They're like...
But I'm watching like,
"Yeah,
you're not talking to her."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're not asking questions.
You're not mirroring
her emotionally.
Men would carry their friends
on their shoulders
if they could.
When I froze my eggs,
sorry to keep
clucking on about that, but...
when I did,
I went under anesthesia.
I'm sure many of you
have experienced going under.
I don't like
the culture of anesthesia.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I don't like the thing where
you're like...
"Is it over?"
And the whole room's like,
(SNICKERS) "Yeah."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Everyone's like...
"You were asleep.
We were awake."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
How dare you?
It's rude, at best.
If anyone here is on the fence
about having kids,
here's something that I do.
When I'm driving
and I come to a stop,
I'll just look up
in my rear view mirror,
and I'll just imagine
that there's a child
in the car seat, and I'll go...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and I find
that scratches the itch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh yeah,
I wrote a potential complication
to my having kids,
a potential impediment.
The fact that in the last
few years I've succumbed
to a homosexual lifestyle. Um...
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I... I don't know
what to tell you.
I was clocking
part-time gay hours for a while,
part-time.
Got a huge promotion. (BLOWS)
Pretty much full-time
the last few years.
Pretty much full-time.
And I want to be clear,
this is not my
coming out special.
I don't need to come out.
I'm not a nerd.
- And--
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Also, it's too late.
Like, no one cares.
And frankly, my gay body count
is just too low
to be like confidently gay.
Like, but what am I gonna do?
Come out as bisexual?
Bisexual, the most hated
creature on the planet? No!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I won't do that to myself.
And queer, like... (SIGHS)
Saying you were queer,
that used to be punk.
Now, banks are queer.
- Like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I would genuinely rather
you call me a fag.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, that's sexy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(EXHALES)
The closest thing I have
to a formal coming out, uh,
is what I'm about to tell you
You have to believe me,
this is exactly what happened.
I'm not embellishing at all
for the stage.
So I was waking up
out of anesthesia
after freezing my eggs.
Okay, last time I bring it up,
and this is what happened.
So I'm waking up,
there's a nurse here
and a nurse here.
"I'm gay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
They ignored me.
My doctor walks in, I'm like...
"I'm gay."
She goes, "I know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like, "How do you know?"
And then I remembered,
oh, right, my lesbian boyfriend
was in the consultation with me.
Me, gay, I just didn't think
I could be gay.
Like... (INHALES)
...I'm popular.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love my parents and Christmas.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Turns out having long hair
doesn't make you straight.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We were lied to, girls.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did end up
coming out to my dad
and I was sort of
dragging my feet.
I'm not really sure why,
because I thought he would
react very well and he did.
He was, you know, he was lovely.
He was like, "I love you.
I want you to be happy."
How old are you again?"
(CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Key context, though, to this
is the fact that my dad
has Alzheimer's.
So yeah,
my amazing life is also hard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And so what this means is,
I have had to come out to him...
dozens of times.
And the first maybe like,
15 times, I was nuanced.
He'd be like,
"Um, where's your boyfriend?"
I'd be like...
"So, as it turns out,
I can be attracted to
and fall in love
with all genders."
Around time, like, 32,
he was like,
"Where's your boyfriend?"
I was barking
across the room at him.
I was like, "I'm gay!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Something's wrong, Daddy!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Don't be sad, I'm fine!
Come on, could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We get through life!
I wish I could
really spin my head
fully around on that.
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can you imagine? Oof.
And some of you,
by the way, you're being
very sweet and supportive.
I see some of you
kind of looking up like,
"You know, I support you."
And I just want to say,
don't get too comfortable.
You could be next, okay?
I was straight too. (CHUCKLES)
I was good at being
straight also. I was like...
(MOANS, SCOFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I had a hot boyfriend
in the seventh grade. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah.
He once said to me, he was like,
"Do you know what some
of the girls call you?"
I was like, "No."
"Gay Kate."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I have to-- There's a nice kind
of staccato to that, "Gay Kate."
Like it's got-- I get it.
What did the children
perceive in me
that I could not
perceive in myself?
I really do
- still wonder.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Being straight, though.
I get it.
Like, there is a genuine
erotic distance
between genders.
There is.
Between a man and a woman,
there's real space there,
that you have to cross.
And in that space,
there's tension.
There's intrigue. There are
kabuki-level theatrics...
between a man and a woman.
And I was like,
"I like theater."
- (CHUCKLES) You know, I like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That reliance on performance,
I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, come on.
I was engaged to a man.
What, you think I can't pull?"
Okay?
And that built-in
distance of a man,
that made sense to me.
I was like, "Yes, my husband,
my husband
who will never truly know me."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So I can be free
to pursue my work.
I saw myself in my sixties,
white wine with the girls like,
"Ugh, you wouldn't believe
what Jeff said last night."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Fuckin' idiot."
And the culture tells you this,
the culture's like,
"Who wants to fuck
their husband?"
I was like, "Exactly,
who wants to fuck
their husbands?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, being gay though,
it is unnatural, yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you are not supposed to be
that close to anyone.
If being straight,
there's the distance.
Being gay is like... (BLOWS)
Like, there is nowhere to hide,
like, you are fully fused.
It works for me, 'cause I like
a lot of closeness and intimacy,
but it is not
for the faint of heart.
You will make a small,
unconscious,
subtle eye movement.
A dyke will be like,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm like... (ROBOTIC VOICE)
"Now that you mention it,
I am feeling dysregulated."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
Careful out there.
By the way, straight girls
in the crowd, I love you.
You are my sisters forever.
Okay?
I believe that you exist, okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I do.
And some of my oldest
and dearest friends
are straight.
And sometimes I'm like,
"Yeah, maybe that's her way
of being left alone."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That is fair.
She's like, "Oh, no,
I don't want to talk that much."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's what's beautiful
about life. We have a choice.
We can choose what kind
of relationships we want.
Being gay, it's not...
not a choice you know?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Sometimes a straight girl will
come up to me and be like,
"Ugh, you're so lucky.
I wish I could be gay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm just like,
"You could try." Like...
I just find it hard
to believe someone's like...
(GROANS)
"I wish I could be gay, but...
the dick that good though."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now that I've had
a little distance
from the straight experience,
I'm fascinated watching
straight couples at dinner.
I'm like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So often they have nothing
to say to each other.
I'm watching them trying
to decipher the relationship.
I'm like,
"Cousins."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Coworkers? Oh, it's like
a lawyer-client dynamic."
An hour into the dinner,
I'm like,
"That's her husband,
it's her birthday,
he hasn't taken her picture."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's bad. I'm running
to the hostess, I'm like,
"Hi, can I switch tables?
Sorry, their lack of connection
is making it hard
for me to enjoy my meal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's why so often
straight couples
have to have a kid.
Like, what are they
gonna talk about?
There has to be
at least one shared interest.
And look, of course,
not all straight couples, okay?
Okay? Not all
straight couples, I know.
(CHUCKLES)
I know like two seem
to have it going on okay,
but actually
I saw a beautiful couple
at dinner just the other night
and they were laughing
and looking at each other
with so much adoration
and he opened his mouth
to order something.
- He was gay.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It was a gay guy and his friend.
I do think you should be able
to issue a citizen's divorce.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, WHOOPING)
There should be a system, like,
"If you get tapped five times,
legally, you have to
separate for a year."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, no, I'm having fun.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can I say that? I guess I can't.
I'm not mad.
It's part of the act.
No, it's not. Uh-oh, okay.
- (SIGHS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Men, though, men have a charge,
okay? I get confused.
Yeah.
But also, horses have a charge.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know?
Like, I see a tall,
well-dressed man.
I'm like, "Oof,
I see a horse at dawn."
The sunlight hits its
ponytail ass. I'm like,
"Whoa!" (CHUCKLES)
Sexuality's complicated.
That's all I'm saying?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Desire is a mystery.
The self is a fiction. Wake up!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's what I've come to learn.
My attraction to men
is mostly symbolic.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Okay?
But symbols,
they'll run your life
if you're not careful.
Like, I've come to learn
I like men
how I like Disneyland.
Like, I...
don't.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh.
And the pressure to love
Disneyland is completely
annihilating.
Since birth, your friends
and family are like,
"Guess where we're going?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was there.
I had the ears on.
I was on the ride.
Just never felt more
alone.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then
if you don't like Disneyland,
people are like, "Really?
You don't like Disneyland?"
(SCOFFS) "You're too cool
for Disneyland?"
Like you're suddenly goth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's like...
No,
it would be easier
to like Disneyland.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
My current gay partner,
please respect
our privacy, okay? (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They've been gay forever,
and when we first
started going out,
they were like,
"Being gay kinda sucks."
I was like, "What?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"What about
the Target collection?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I understand now
what they were saying.
It's not that the lifestyle
of being gay sucks.
The lifestyle is heaven.
I know a peace few can imagine.
It's... it's more that sometimes
having to interface
with other people about it
can be strange, like,
it can make the most
lovely people do and say
the most odd things. Like,
I told my mother a few years
ago that I was in love
with a woman, and she goes...
(CLICKS TONGUE) "I took a bath
with a woman in Paris once."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Please don't do that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Pretty, pretty please
don't do that.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was having dinner
with an old family friend.
At the end of the meal,
he leans forward.
He's like,
"Did you always know?"
It's like, "Ew."
Like... (GROANS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I always knew I was funny.
I thought I was different
'cause I was funny.
Turns out being gay and funny,
very connected
throughout history.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It's true. (CHUCKLES)
Line! Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I once asked a psychic
if I was gay.
Yeah. Long session
with a psychic, at the end,
she's like, "Any more
questions?" I was like...
(INHALES SHARPLY) "Am I gay?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"You're not seeing that?"
The sadness in her eyes,
she was like,
"Oh, I don't know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My friend was like,
"Yeah, straight people
don't ask that."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did the classic
polyamory-to-queer pipeline.
I'm sure
some of you are familiar, yeah.
And I was poly by the book,
okay? I had a brilliant
poly therapist.
I was reading the books.
I had the schedule.
I was like... You know?
And I'm here to tell you,
being poly can work.
Being poly can totally work
if you are so broken.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It can work if you're like...
- (IMITATES SHARP CREAK)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Go try. Have fun.
You'll lose weight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You won't be able to eat
because your life
will be in shambles.
Life's so interesting
'cause I always
identified as boy crazy.
I was like, "Guys." I was like,
"I love Josh Hartnett."
- Heh.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A woman... A woman made
me lose my mind.
I was in long-term relationships
with men.
I was never a snoop,
nothing like that.
A woman, I was awake at night
begging God to transmit me
her phone password.
I was like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Watching her unlock her phone,
trying to memorize
the finger swipes.
I was like, "Finger goes up,
is that a three?
Then down here, seven,
is that an eight?
Finger going up
and then down, three, seven."
Whoa!
Careful out there.
Um, let's see, okay, yeah.
What, you want one-liners?
I got one-liners.
What do you need?
What do you need, folks?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ah... Okay.
You ever regret a shower?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's all I have.
Now, that one ends there.
Oh, you know when you go
into someone's house
and their books
are organized by color?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, as a design choice? Okay.
It's not that the people
who do this are dumb.
That's not what I'm saying,
okay?
There are people I know
and love who do this.
I'm just saying, when you go
into someone's home
and they've done this,
you're not in the home
of an intellectual.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Subtle distinction there.
Here's one for the ladies.
Girls.
Girls, don't you hate
getting your nails done?
I wish I could go under
to get my nails done.
Waking up like...
(GROANS) "I love it."
Too much anesthesia stuff
in one hour. It's too much.
They're like, "She really likes
talking about going under."
(CHUCKLES)
I love a hospital.
I'm safe there. Okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love restaurants.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love restaurants!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Doesn't that feel good?
Doesn't that feel good
just to say that? Yeah.
Going out to eat.
Going out to restaurants,
arguably the only reason
to be alive.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Although sometimes on a menu
it'll be like, "Ancient grains."
And I'm like,
"Let's relax, okay?
Rice. Okay, let's go
with rice on this one." (LAUGHS)
I watch a lot of media
around chefs and food,
and I'll be watching
a beautiful documentary,
and it'll be gorgeous
photography
in slow motion and voiceover,
and it'll be like,
"I'm a storyteller.
I tell stories."
And I'm just like,
"Is the story about how cheesy
my dinner's gonna be?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Why don't you hush up
and crisp the edges, sweetheart?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm not demeaning chefs.
That would be crazy. Okay.
Uh, um, um, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm at a place in my life
where I'm ready to say
that I will not be
booking massages any longer.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I don't know
where the propaganda
around massages,
where that first took place
where it was like,
"It's your birthday,
book a massage.
You got a promotion..."
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Like, the only relief
I ever get from a massage
is after I've booked it
and then
I can report to the community,
"I did my government-issued
relaxation technique."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When I go to a massage,
as soon as my head
hits the hole...
and I feel my masseuse enter.
As soon as I feel her enter,
by the way, her,
I'm not a fucking lunatic.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My friend was getting
on me about this.
She was like, "You're so weird,
like, it's not sexual."
I'm like, "It's overtly sexual."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's so sexual that the entire
subtext of the experience is,
"Oh, no, what if
we accidentally have sex?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And every massage
I've ever been in,
as soon as my face
hits the hole,
my first thought is,
"Don't worry,
it'll be over soon."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Every time. She's on my leg.
I'm experiencing a pain
I've never endured.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Meanwhile,
I'm breathing through it,
trying not to make her
uncomfortable.
Performing pleasure for who?
She can't even see me.
I'm performing
for the spirit world...
at this point.
And she's on my leg.
I'm telling myself,
I'm like, "When she transfers,
you are speaking up
for yourself, goddammit.
Kate,
we've been through harder
times than this, sweetie."
And then it's happening,
I'm like, "She's transferring,
it's too late,
I've said nothing."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The way I can just slip
into these social
performances so easily
for other people, and why?
Like getting directions.
Still, if I'm ever like,
"Oh, which way is the thing?"
As soon as someone's like,
"Oh, well, you see that corner?"
I'm like, "Uh-huh." I don't.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't and I never have.
At that point,
I've left my body.
I'm no longer able to hear
or metabolize any information.
And then I lock into
this performance of,
"Uh-huh, uh-huh,
oh, yeah, yeah."
They're like,
"And you know the bridge?"
I'm like, "Imagine if
I didn't know the bridge."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Yeah, no, sweetie,
I know the bridge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
I'm like, "Can we just speed
through this to get
to the part
where I'm lost faster?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What's going on
with pillow tags?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What is that?
I was having a deep,
beautiful nap.
I woke up, I felt a crinkle,
I'm like "Huh,"
and then I just see, this close,
"Prohibited by law."
I was like...
- (SCREAMS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The pillow tag? You're a pillow.
You are the least serious object
in my home.
And you're like,
"Don't get too comfortable."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I'll see your ass
in court, bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked this up,
this broke my heart.
Multiple people googling,
"Is it illegal to take
the tag off a pillow?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
KATE BERLANT: Oh, I wrote...
"I used to think
that if I could achieve
an orgasm through
penetration alone,
that I would no longer
fear death."
We'll touch on this briefly.
Um...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I want to be clear,
when I say penetration alone,
I mean alone. I'm talking
about nothing but net.
Okay? And I know some women
that can do this.
Craziest bitches
you'll ever meet. I mean...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They are loyal. They are kind.
They can't tell a story well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're not good
in an emergency.
I truly believe God sees
these women's lives and is like,
"Give her this."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, LAUGHING)
Okay, you've had your fun.
Back to the gay stuff.
Sorry, it's all I think about.
(CHUCKLES)
Do you know what it's like
to be sexually
confused at thirty-beep!
- Do you understand?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The degree to which I obsess
about my sexuality
is so intense,
and I know you're like,
"Yeah, we're kind of getting
a sense of that."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But it's compounded by the fact
that I have OCD.
(CHOKED SHRIEK)
Yeah, I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I have my papers in the back,
I have a formal diagnosis
from a doctor
in Beverly Hills, okay?
And I have Pure O,
purely obsessional,
no compulsions, and...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Turns out a classic
Pure O trigger, sexuality.
Uh-oh! (CHUCKLES)
And another trigger for me
that I think is connected,
shoe size.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I genuinely don't know
what size shoe I am.
I find that all my shoes are...
a little too small
or a little too big.
I'm between sizes.
I'm not insane, I make it work,
but I always know I'm in a shoe.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Maybe one day I'll be like,
"I'm a size nine
and I'm gay." But...
I just don't think that's me.
Like, I'm living the questions,
you know?
I cherish the sacred
inner drama.
Are we not constantly in flux?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I'm gonna claim
to understand myself?
I don't understand myself.
I don't understand anything.
I don't understand the moon.
And I've seen the moon
every day of my life.
This just happened to me,
I was driving.
Looking out my window,
I saw a beautiful
full moon. I was like... (GASPS)
Driving, driving.
(PUFFS) Suddenly it's there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(PUFFS TWICE)
In moments. No.
"Sorry, hi, no,
I don't accept that."
I was trying to explain
this to my friend.
She was like, "Oh, well,
because of the rotation."
I was like... (MOCKINGLY)
"Oh, because of the rotation?"
(PUFFS TWICE)
No.
Reality is hanging
on by a thread.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I know what you're thinking.
"Please look down
at the notebook again.
I need a break
from laughing so much."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, God,
I hope she looks down soon.
I'm gonna blow a gasket."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There were some red flags,
early red flags
that something was
going on with me.
For example, my childhood
celebrity crushes were
Uncle Fester...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...from The Addams Family...
and Pamela Anderson in Baywatch.
I would say the two intrigued
me equally. I was like...
Huh? Ah.
"Huh. Oh,
don't make me choose."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Also the biggest
red flag of all,
look at what I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When I started doing
stand-up comedy,
I was 17 years old,
and I genuinely thought
it would get me a boyfriend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like, "That's it,
I'll be on stage.
I'll be in a cute outfit.
I'll be funny."
Men hate this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You have to trust me
on this one,
they fucking hate it.
Some men are intrigued,
they're like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Jokes aside, you're smart."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But it's not sexual for them.
They're like, "You'd be prettier
if you stopped doing that."
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Can I pay you
to stop doing that?
Please stop doing that."
And if there is a flicker
of attraction,
I've seen this happen,
they're like,
"You're funny
like my friend Josh.
Oh, God, if I like you,
does that mean I'm gay?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There is no
biological imperative
for a woman to be funny.
Being funny repels men, okay?
It repels them.
They say
they want the funny girl.
No, they don't, okay?
They don't want a funny girl.
What they want
is a girl they can prank.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They want a girl
who's like... (GROANS)
"Stop! Oh, my God!
Stop. Oh, my--
I'm gonna kill you, stop."
In an oversized hoodie
and just the strings are pulled
till the hole is so small.
It's just a tiny hole
with pink lips going,
"Stop! Oh, my God!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, hey, of course not
all straight men, okay?
There are some beta cucks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Love you, truly, okay?
Con todo mi corazn.
Like, for real.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Who am I?
Who am I? Anyone know? Yeah.
Been on a search
the last few years
and one of the things I've done
to maybe arrive
at some greater truth is I did
a big ego loss mushroom trip.
Yeah, so. Pretty cool.
- And, um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, I was-- You know,
I did the research.
I found this amazing
White shaman through a friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was taking it seriously.
I was doing
intake calls with her.
I was writing down my dreams.
I've also been
in Jungian analysis
for years now.
I do the shadow work because
no one else will.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was cutting down
on refined sugar and caffeine.
And I did this really long drive
into the mountains
to spend the night at this
woman's cabin. And I get there.
She gives me this very
strong mushroom tea to drink.
And it was really intense.
I was pretty much
just knocked out,
eyes closed on my back
for like eight hours.
And I wouldn't say it was scary,
but it was challenging.
And when I tell you
the defining theme of this trip,
what the whole experience
kept coming back to
was Succession.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The HBO television program,
Succession.
That is so devastating.
Imagine diligently peeling back
the layers of your unconscious.
And the only thing that's there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I like the good show!
And I'm telling you,
it wasn't like,
"Oh, it felt like hours,
but it was really five minutes."
It was hours of me on my back,
hot tears streaming
down my face.
Like, "They really stuck
the landing with that finale!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(WHINING) No, I'm like,
"There must be more.
No, please!"
(GASPS) "No. Oh, no."
Like, that's my phone.
I blame my phone.
Like, what do I do
for the big answers of life?
Where do I go?
I wasn't raised with religion.
Okay? And for that reason,
words like "God"
don't have any baggage for me.
Like, I can go into a Catholic
church and be like,
"Work." Like, it's just...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But where do I go for a sacred
communal experience?
I'm a crass American, okay?
I consume. I shop.
I go to the modern-day cathedral
of the department store.
And you are supposed
to leave your house
to buy things, okay?
Shopping is one of the only
sacred rituals we have left
that forces us
to engage with the other.
You have to leave your house
to get things.
This is a miracle
that we're all here tonight.
Okay? I'm serious. You think
I want to be here at all?
Okay? It is so hard
to leave your house,
but you have to. We have to.
And department stores,
they're in trouble.
When's the last time you went
to a Bloomingdale's?
- Exactly. Okay?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Go check in on the girls.
Okay? I went to
a Bloomingdale's recently,
opened the doors. I was like,
"The nation's sick." Just...
hot air, no AC, just... (PUFFS)
Just hot air,
almost took me out.
There were like three people
in there scattered like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Going to a department store
used to be like entering
the wild markets
of Marrakesh in the '70s.
There'd be women
with perfume spraying you.
It was like assault.
You were like, "No!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
They're gone.
I thought I'd be spending
my entire life
going to department stores.
This is what life
was supposed to be like.
You would be nine months
pregnant, terrified.
You'd go to a department store,
you'd be like,
"I don't know what to get."
This wise older woman
would find you.
She'd be like,
"Here's what you need, sweetie.
You need this, you need this.
Do you know what you're having?
Oh, a surprise.
We did that too."
And send you on your way.
It'd be beautiful.
More years would pass.
Your daughter is now 15.
Your baby girl needs
a prom dress.
That same woman would be there.
She'd be like...
(GASPS) "Santa Maria!"
- Ah!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She would help you pick out
the prom dress.
More years would pass.
Your daughter? (CHUCKLES)
She moved to Seattle.
She hasn't called in eight days.
Oh, and your husband?
Dead.
You would somehow
find the strength
to drag yourself
to the department store.
You'd open the door,
the same woman would be there,
her spine distorted by time,
just reduced to a single eye
at this point. It'd be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And this woman would help you
pick out your funereal garb.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Your entire life cycle
would be anchored
by these essential,
fleeting human interactions.
She would be this sacred witness
throughout time.
She is gone.
The phone shot her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
By the way,
I'm writing a book about this.
I only have the title.
It's called Brick and Murder.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
The decline
of contemporary culture traced
through the decline
of the department store.
Now, when you want something,
what do you do?
Amazon, right? You're like,
"I want it." (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Amazon's like, "Okay.
Would you like that to arrive
tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.?
Or 4:00 a.m.?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're like,
"4:00 a.m., bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
What part of "now" wasn't clear?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That morning, 4:00 a.m.,
your package drops.
That night around 7:00 p.m.,
you rip into it like an animal.
And hey, I'm an activist.
I order from Amazon
every other day.
- Take the pledge!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
After my show recently,
a woman and her friend came up
to me and they were like,
"We loved your show, thank you."
And I was like, "Oh, great."
And they go, "Yeah,
and we don't think
women are funny."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I was like, "Sorry,
what was your name again?
You seem pretty cool."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It took me aback,
'cause that's a thing
that you kind of hear sometimes.
Women aren't funny.
People say men aren't funny.
No one says that.
I just wanted to
explain to her, like,
"No, no, no, no.
Comedy isn't funny."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(KATE CHUCKLES)
When I was a little kid,
I would say maybe
my biggest fear was... (GASPS)
"What if I'm not
the prettiest girl
- in the whole world?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I had a sneaking
suspicion I wasn't.
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
And here I am now doing this,
fully grown woman,
doing this, living my dream,
recording a...
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
...standup comedy special,
so that maybe more people
will see me and...
- I'll be a star!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This is a guaranteed path
toward being called ugly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I am up here joyfully
paving the path...
toward, "You are ugly."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
God, to have faced no adversity.
What do I do? Heh.
No, I wish I could go
to work right now
in the trauma mines
for you be like...
(IMITATES PICKAXE CLACKING)
Pull out this gorgeous,
tragic diamond, be like,
"They called me Gay Kate."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Look at it!"
I didn't care. (SCOFFS)
It's the truth.
I don't know, I guess I gotta go
light up another room. (SCOFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(GROANS)
I do want to thank you all
for supporting
a queer artist tonight.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Who has chronic pain?
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
My back hurts from being
an emerging talent for so long.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(KATE CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I know it's hard to tell
by just looking at me,
but I'm actually just 5'3".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Because of my hair and gravitas,
people always think I'm taller,
but I'm really just
a wee little thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hey, little girl,
is your daddy home
Did he go
and leave you all alone
Straight guys only?
Where are you, straight guys?
Wait, they don't love you
like I love you
Wait, straight guys.
They don't love you
like I love you
(VOCALIZING)
I just wanted
to show you I could. I could.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
KATE: I choose not to,
but I can.
Oh, my God,
I'm getting distracted.
I have to pick up
the girls from ballet.
Sorry, I keep forgetting.
Thank God.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Uh-oh. (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
A friend came up to me
after a show recently
and was like,
"You need a big closer,
like a big splashy closer."
And I thought about it.
- No.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's the thing, the closer
is an apparatus of the state.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The closer is a mechanism
for social control, okay?
The closer is Disneyland.
The closer is Christmas.
And like Christmas, it should
always be on the horizon.
It should never actually arrive.
When you are inside
the day of Christmas,
you want to kill yourself.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Christmas is not
about Christmas.
It's about the lead up
and the anticipation.
This, am I supposed
to believe this is true,
this is what you want
from me right now?
This is what you want?
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Hey!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No! (SCOFFS)
No, and also, by the way,
this is the biggest reaction
a conventional closer ever gets.
Okay, it's this.
- Huh. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
'Cause they brought it
all the way around. Yeah, yeah.
No. No, no.
The closer-- (HESITATES)
The closer--
By the way, the closer?
It's inherently patriarchal.
Yeah! Yeah, it's phallic.
It positions orgasm
as necessary end.
It's like,
"You need to come that badly,
can't we just fuck?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah. The closer
is not about pleasure.
The closer is about
market demands.
It's about making me clippable.
It's about chopping me up
into little pieces,
so that your homophobic uncle
might be like...
(INHALES SHARPLY)
"I guess she's not that ugly."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Let's imagine
I was a gymnast up here, okay?
Fifteen years old,
60 pounds on a good day, okay?
Imagine I was up here and I did
ten flips through the air.
What makes those ten flips
impressive is this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The flying through the air
wasn't enough.
You need to be able
to micro-critique the landing,
be like, "Oh, yeah,
she had me, but..." (HESITATES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It would be impressive
if I did ten flips
through the air,
landed on my skull, and died.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I've had you on all fours
barking like a seal for an hour.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Okay.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I've been your diligent whale
at the water park.
Big splash, whoo!
And it would be predictable
for me to do a final flip.
This is what you want, really?
This is what you need right now?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then the final
humiliation ritual
of my dorsal fin wave.
You need this?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, no.
And I can't give that to you.
I don't have closure
about my life.
I've learned something
about my life.
It's not coherent. (CHUCKLES)
You get to go on.
This is your night out.
This is my life!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You all get to leave, go on.
I'm still here.
Gay, bisexual, anesthesia.
What size shoe am I?
I hate my phone! Oh, God!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's not enough
that I've devoted
my life to you?
- I don't have a family!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, no closer.
I will not be
your Shamu tonight.
(EXHALES) Okay.
So, here's what's gonna happen.
You are all going
to calmly exit the space.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
And I will remain.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I will remain
and I will passively
watch you for once.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And, you know, you really were
a beautiful crowd tonight.
I've been meaning
to say all night,
you should teach audience.
Like, really.
And... and also,
if anyone here tonight
did not like the show,
that is totally fine,
but just know,
that's abuse.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
BY GIUSEPPE VERDI PLAYING)
- (INAUDIBLE)
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES
APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MUSIC SLOWS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
BY GIUSEPPE VERDI PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
World's ending.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hesitant to say that
because it feels like
a clich at this point
to talk about
how the world's ending,
'cause the world's
always been ending, right?
In the '50s, they thought
the world was ending.
In the '60s,
they said it was ending.
It's actually ending now.
Though things are wrapping up
quite quickly, in fact.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- It's interesting.
You're just walking around,
living your life,
planning for a future that
you know will never arrive.
And,
you pass people in the street,
everyone's like... (INHALES)
- "Soonish, yeah, I think."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I think probably soonish."
I realized recently
I may not have a funeral.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You think we're gonna be doling
out individual funerals...
much longer?
That's about to feel like
a very old timey ritual.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'll tell you this,
a baby born today
who lives a long
and healthy life,
They're going in a pile.
- Okay?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't like it
any more than you do.
Tell me I'm wrong!
Eighty years from today?
Piles!
What's the world
gonna be like in,
I don't know, ten years?
You think I'm gonna be
a stand-up comedian
and character actress
in ten years?
In ten years, I'm gonna be
a robot shoeshine.
I'm gonna be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "God, you're tall."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Can I please see my family?"
By the way, I will never
perform for a robot.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Humans only in my crowd.
I say that now.
But I will say,
if a robot came--
Come on,
if a robot came up tonight,
"Ticket for one
to see the wacky girl."
I'm letting him in.
Let him in. Crazy bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's bad, though. It's hard.
That's why we need vices.
I get it. My addiction?
My phone. Powerless.
Powerless against my phone.
And I know I see all of you,
"Don't take my cookie away."
You know, but...
It's gotten so bad.
I haven't touched in
with myself in six years.
And I've read the books
on phone addiction,
and they all say the same thing.
They're like,
"You know you're just
a rat in a maze, right?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, and I love cheese."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
The phone addiction is so bad,
it makes me genuinely jealous
of my ancestors,
who arguably had
worse lives than I do.
But they were free.
I think about my grandmother.
She came here from Spain.
Yeah, boo!
I'm half-Spanish, okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, so there's a Spanish
undercurrent
throughout my work.
You won't be able
to unsee it now.
My grandmother, my grandmother,
she...
She never really
learned English.
She never really drove.
She was an amazing cook.
She made her own clothes.
When the world overwhelmed
my grandmother, what did she do?
She went into her garden.
She went into her community.
When the world overwhelms me,
what do I do?
I subscribe to an account
called Crazy Clips.
I don't know if anyone here--
It's mostly videos
of unspeakable violence.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Gorillas fist-fighting
zookeepers...
tourists being eaten by sharks,
things like that.
I was recently just watching
a crazy clip to unwind, and...
(SIGHS) ...it was of a woman
escaping this horrific fire,
and she had propped her phone up
on her dashboard,
and she was
filming herself, which,
the instinct to film
one's death, I mean.
And I can't wait
to film my own death,
'cause I know it's coming.
I'm going to be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm watching this video,
and you're hearing
the guttural sobs
of someone who's sure
she's about to die.
She's like,
"Oh my God, please, no."
She goes into a tunnel.
I'm like,
"Well, don't go in there."
(LAUGHS) I don't know...
Four minutes of watching this,
the entire time,
my face is like this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She makes it out,
she survives. I feel
nothing.
So that's not good.
I was recently scrolling
just tied off on my couch like.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I saw this image
and it said,
"You are looking
at the first known image
of a previously
undiscovered solar system."
I...
could not have
scrolled by faster.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like,
"I don't want to see it!"
What's that? Because
I tell myself, I'm like,
"It's a tool for learning."
And when... when I'm--
What is it I'm looking for?
When I'm... (SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Like, what is that?
What is that?
I understand that to be alive
means that we have to grapple
with bottomless longing.
I understand that.
Nothing will ever be enough.
Something will
always be missing.
But I wasn't born to do that.
Like, I...
And my focus is gone.
It's so brittle now.
I was listening to a song.
I was enjoying it.
I was like, dropping in,
listening to a song.
I'm like, "Next!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I can't read. Every now and then
I'll delete Instagram.
I'll be like. (INHALES)
"My hair will grow to my ankles.
I'll run for office."
I'm like, "This was always me."
And then I re-download
and I'm back in hell.
And I can't read anymore.
I go into a bookstore,
I get a book. I'm like, "Huh."
I flip it over.
It's like, "In a story where..."
I'm like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SCOFFS) "In a story where...?
Come on, man, let's get to it.
In a story where what?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, God. Sorry. I'm just--
Some of this is too advanced.
So I'm just...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah. Hmm.
You know when...
Sorry, but it is stand up.
So, "You know when, uh...
You know when..."
But you know when...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
You know when you're
on your phone
and you feel really agile,
you're like...
copy-pasting links,
firing off texts, you're like...
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
"Whoa."
"Whoa."
I hate that. (CHUCKLES)
I hate that.
There's something
that's been going on
on Instagram, maybe for a year,
maybe it's been five years.
I don't know,
due to the phone addiction,
all sense of time
has completely collapsed.
I'd say I'm down to about...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...four memories at this point.
And there's a thing
where it'll be like,
"Comment this word to get
the link sent to your inbox."
You're familiar
with this phenomenon? Yeah.
So, I used to see people
that I knew
commenting the word,
and I'd be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Sweetie, we can see you."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Have some social media hygiene,
that's disgusting.
And then, recently,
there I was, scrolling,
and I came across
an intriguing recipe
for a parmesan-based pasta.
(SIGHS)
And in that moment,
it was like, everything left me,
connection to self, God,
literature. It all just
sloughed off like a skin,
and I surrendered finally.
I was like... (INHALES)
"Parmesan."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then I noticed
a couple comments below mine.
"Sarah Snook. Parmesan."
Sarah Snook, star of a cultural
and career-defining show,
Succession. Even she's in hell.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I don't know Sarah,
but I know this.
We ain't making that pasta.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hmm.
I know what you're thinking.
"When will the whore
put down the microphone
and have a kid?" Right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I might still have a kid.
As a joke. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
No, I might. I even froze
my eggs last summer, okay?
I've got daughters on ice. Yeah.
I just-- I don't know.
I'm living the artist's life.
Look at me. It's Thursday,
I think. You know, look at this.
I can't give this up.
And I really feel
there's still so much
I haven't seen, I haven't done.
Like, I still haven't watched
The Wire, you know? I...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Freezing my eggs, though,
it did make me open
to the possibility of a son,
which is huge, 'cause I've been
daughters-only forever,
of course.
I always thought if I had kids,
I'd have identical triplet girls
that are always in lockstep
marching behind me,
like, "Mommy!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That seems fun.
I just know--
Here's what I know.
I can't have one son.
That's the thing about me.
I can't have one son.
Like, we all know the woman
with her one beautiful boy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's a tragic dynamic.
And...
I just can't have one son.
I'm too flirty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, I can see myself
in my sixties,
a silk kimono,
a little too loose.
Like, "Where are you going?
Oh, sorry."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"That's right, you have a date
with that tramp.
At least,
fix your hair like this.
So lovely when
it frames those eyes."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, okay, it's too much.
Implied incest.
There's the line,
I crossed it, okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Thought this was a hip town.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I didn't know I was traveling
through the Bible Belt.
Y'all come here
on a steam train?
No, no, no, no,
I can take a note,
I can take a note,
I can take a note.
"Incest stuff,
too edgy or not good."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS) Yeah, yeah...
You know when someone posts
a picture of their baby
and they put an emoji
on their baby's face?
I don't like that.
I don't like that. (CHUCKLES)
I think that started
as a way to be like,
"We say no to pedophilia."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
However, when you do that,
I would argue you've created
this whole new genre of imagery.
Here's what you've done.
You've taken away
your child's subjectivity.
You've erased their face.
They're now just dangling limbs
on the internet.
And you've slapped a peach emoji
on their face.
Also, no one cares. Like...
your friends aren't all out
without you talking
about your baby's face.
Your baby's face is not tea.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Looks hard. Being a mother
looks so hard. Parenting?
All mothers are single mothers.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Sorry, a father?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A father is a family friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
By the way, a father is a dear
family friend.
Having a father is just
like having a neighbor
who happens to come out
of his house
as you happen
to come out of your house.
He's like,
"Happy graduation."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, how old are you now?"
(CHUCKLES)
"I swear you were just this big.
Goodbye."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And look, I know
there are some beautiful fathers
in the room here tonight,
and it's totally
generational too.
I have friends,
men who have kids, and...
they're involved.
You know, they've...
They've got the kid
on their shoulders.
They're like...
But I'm watching like,
"Yeah,
you're not talking to her."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're not asking questions.
You're not mirroring
her emotionally.
Men would carry their friends
on their shoulders
if they could.
When I froze my eggs,
sorry to keep
clucking on about that, but...
when I did,
I went under anesthesia.
I'm sure many of you
have experienced going under.
I don't like
the culture of anesthesia.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I don't like the thing where
you're like...
"Is it over?"
And the whole room's like,
(SNICKERS) "Yeah."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Everyone's like...
"You were asleep.
We were awake."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
How dare you?
It's rude, at best.
If anyone here is on the fence
about having kids,
here's something that I do.
When I'm driving
and I come to a stop,
I'll just look up
in my rear view mirror,
and I'll just imagine
that there's a child
in the car seat, and I'll go...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and I find
that scratches the itch.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh yeah,
I wrote a potential complication
to my having kids,
a potential impediment.
The fact that in the last
few years I've succumbed
to a homosexual lifestyle. Um...
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I... I don't know
what to tell you.
I was clocking
part-time gay hours for a while,
part-time.
Got a huge promotion. (BLOWS)
Pretty much full-time
the last few years.
Pretty much full-time.
And I want to be clear,
this is not my
coming out special.
I don't need to come out.
I'm not a nerd.
- And--
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Also, it's too late.
Like, no one cares.
And frankly, my gay body count
is just too low
to be like confidently gay.
Like, but what am I gonna do?
Come out as bisexual?
Bisexual, the most hated
creature on the planet? No!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I won't do that to myself.
And queer, like... (SIGHS)
Saying you were queer,
that used to be punk.
Now, banks are queer.
- Like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I would genuinely rather
you call me a fag.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, that's sexy.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(EXHALES)
The closest thing I have
to a formal coming out, uh,
is what I'm about to tell you
You have to believe me,
this is exactly what happened.
I'm not embellishing at all
for the stage.
So I was waking up
out of anesthesia
after freezing my eggs.
Okay, last time I bring it up,
and this is what happened.
So I'm waking up,
there's a nurse here
and a nurse here.
"I'm gay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
They ignored me.
My doctor walks in, I'm like...
"I'm gay."
She goes, "I know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like, "How do you know?"
And then I remembered,
oh, right, my lesbian boyfriend
was in the consultation with me.
Me, gay, I just didn't think
I could be gay.
Like... (INHALES)
...I'm popular.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love my parents and Christmas.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Turns out having long hair
doesn't make you straight.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We were lied to, girls.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did end up
coming out to my dad
and I was sort of
dragging my feet.
I'm not really sure why,
because I thought he would
react very well and he did.
He was, you know, he was lovely.
He was like, "I love you.
I want you to be happy."
How old are you again?"
(CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Key context, though, to this
is the fact that my dad
has Alzheimer's.
So yeah,
my amazing life is also hard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And so what this means is,
I have had to come out to him...
dozens of times.
And the first maybe like,
15 times, I was nuanced.
He'd be like,
"Um, where's your boyfriend?"
I'd be like...
"So, as it turns out,
I can be attracted to
and fall in love
with all genders."
Around time, like, 32,
he was like,
"Where's your boyfriend?"
I was barking
across the room at him.
I was like, "I'm gay!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Something's wrong, Daddy!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Don't be sad, I'm fine!
Come on, could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We get through life!
I wish I could
really spin my head
fully around on that.
Could I do this
if I wasn't fine?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can you imagine? Oof.
And some of you,
by the way, you're being
very sweet and supportive.
I see some of you
kind of looking up like,
"You know, I support you."
And I just want to say,
don't get too comfortable.
You could be next, okay?
I was straight too. (CHUCKLES)
I was good at being
straight also. I was like...
(MOANS, SCOFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I had a hot boyfriend
in the seventh grade. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah.
He once said to me, he was like,
"Do you know what some
of the girls call you?"
I was like, "No."
"Gay Kate."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I have to-- There's a nice kind
of staccato to that, "Gay Kate."
Like it's got-- I get it.
What did the children
perceive in me
that I could not
perceive in myself?
I really do
- still wonder.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Being straight, though.
I get it.
Like, there is a genuine
erotic distance
between genders.
There is.
Between a man and a woman,
there's real space there,
that you have to cross.
And in that space,
there's tension.
There's intrigue. There are
kabuki-level theatrics...
between a man and a woman.
And I was like,
"I like theater."
- (CHUCKLES) You know, I like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That reliance on performance,
I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, come on.
I was engaged to a man.
What, you think I can't pull?"
Okay?
And that built-in
distance of a man,
that made sense to me.
I was like, "Yes, my husband,
my husband
who will never truly know me."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So I can be free
to pursue my work.
I saw myself in my sixties,
white wine with the girls like,
"Ugh, you wouldn't believe
what Jeff said last night."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Fuckin' idiot."
And the culture tells you this,
the culture's like,
"Who wants to fuck
their husband?"
I was like, "Exactly,
who wants to fuck
their husbands?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, being gay though,
it is unnatural, yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you are not supposed to be
that close to anyone.
If being straight,
there's the distance.
Being gay is like... (BLOWS)
Like, there is nowhere to hide,
like, you are fully fused.
It works for me, 'cause I like
a lot of closeness and intimacy,
but it is not
for the faint of heart.
You will make a small,
unconscious,
subtle eye movement.
A dyke will be like,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm like... (ROBOTIC VOICE)
"Now that you mention it,
I am feeling dysregulated."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
Careful out there.
By the way, straight girls
in the crowd, I love you.
You are my sisters forever.
Okay?
I believe that you exist, okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I do.
And some of my oldest
and dearest friends
are straight.
And sometimes I'm like,
"Yeah, maybe that's her way
of being left alone."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That is fair.
She's like, "Oh, no,
I don't want to talk that much."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's what's beautiful
about life. We have a choice.
We can choose what kind
of relationships we want.
Being gay, it's not...
not a choice you know?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Sometimes a straight girl will
come up to me and be like,
"Ugh, you're so lucky.
I wish I could be gay."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm just like,
"You could try." Like...
I just find it hard
to believe someone's like...
(GROANS)
"I wish I could be gay, but...
the dick that good though."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now that I've had
a little distance
from the straight experience,
I'm fascinated watching
straight couples at dinner.
I'm like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So often they have nothing
to say to each other.
I'm watching them trying
to decipher the relationship.
I'm like,
"Cousins."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Coworkers? Oh, it's like
a lawyer-client dynamic."
An hour into the dinner,
I'm like,
"That's her husband,
it's her birthday,
he hasn't taken her picture."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's bad. I'm running
to the hostess, I'm like,
"Hi, can I switch tables?
Sorry, their lack of connection
is making it hard
for me to enjoy my meal."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's why so often
straight couples
have to have a kid.
Like, what are they
gonna talk about?
There has to be
at least one shared interest.
And look, of course,
not all straight couples, okay?
Okay? Not all
straight couples, I know.
(CHUCKLES)
I know like two seem
to have it going on okay,
but actually
I saw a beautiful couple
at dinner just the other night
and they were laughing
and looking at each other
with so much adoration
and he opened his mouth
to order something.
- He was gay.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It was a gay guy and his friend.
I do think you should be able
to issue a citizen's divorce.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, WHOOPING)
There should be a system, like,
"If you get tapped five times,
legally, you have to
separate for a year."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, no, I'm having fun.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Can I say that? I guess I can't.
I'm not mad.
It's part of the act.
No, it's not. Uh-oh, okay.
- (SIGHS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Men, though, men have a charge,
okay? I get confused.
Yeah.
But also, horses have a charge.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know?
Like, I see a tall,
well-dressed man.
I'm like, "Oof,
I see a horse at dawn."
The sunlight hits its
ponytail ass. I'm like,
"Whoa!" (CHUCKLES)
Sexuality's complicated.
That's all I'm saying?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Desire is a mystery.
The self is a fiction. Wake up!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's what I've come to learn.
My attraction to men
is mostly symbolic.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Okay?
But symbols,
they'll run your life
if you're not careful.
Like, I've come to learn
I like men
how I like Disneyland.
Like, I...
don't.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh.
And the pressure to love
Disneyland is completely
annihilating.
Since birth, your friends
and family are like,
"Guess where we're going?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was there.
I had the ears on.
I was on the ride.
Just never felt more
alone.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then
if you don't like Disneyland,
people are like, "Really?
You don't like Disneyland?"
(SCOFFS) "You're too cool
for Disneyland?"
Like you're suddenly goth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's like...
No,
it would be easier
to like Disneyland.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
My current gay partner,
please respect
our privacy, okay? (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They've been gay forever,
and when we first
started going out,
they were like,
"Being gay kinda sucks."
I was like, "What?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"What about
the Target collection?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I understand now
what they were saying.
It's not that the lifestyle
of being gay sucks.
The lifestyle is heaven.
I know a peace few can imagine.
It's... it's more that sometimes
having to interface
with other people about it
can be strange, like,
it can make the most
lovely people do and say
the most odd things. Like,
I told my mother a few years
ago that I was in love
with a woman, and she goes...
(CLICKS TONGUE) "I took a bath
with a woman in Paris once."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Please don't do that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Pretty, pretty please
don't do that.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was having dinner
with an old family friend.
At the end of the meal,
he leans forward.
He's like,
"Did you always know?"
It's like, "Ew."
Like... (GROANS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I always knew I was funny.
I thought I was different
'cause I was funny.
Turns out being gay and funny,
very connected
throughout history.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
It's true. (CHUCKLES)
Line! Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I once asked a psychic
if I was gay.
Yeah. Long session
with a psychic, at the end,
she's like, "Any more
questions?" I was like...
(INHALES SHARPLY) "Am I gay?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"You're not seeing that?"
The sadness in her eyes,
she was like,
"Oh, I don't know."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My friend was like,
"Yeah, straight people
don't ask that."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I did the classic
polyamory-to-queer pipeline.
I'm sure
some of you are familiar, yeah.
And I was poly by the book,
okay? I had a brilliant
poly therapist.
I was reading the books.
I had the schedule.
I was like... You know?
And I'm here to tell you,
being poly can work.
Being poly can totally work
if you are so broken.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It can work if you're like...
- (IMITATES SHARP CREAK)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Go try. Have fun.
You'll lose weight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You won't be able to eat
because your life
will be in shambles.
Life's so interesting
'cause I always
identified as boy crazy.
I was like, "Guys." I was like,
"I love Josh Hartnett."
- Heh.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A woman... A woman made
me lose my mind.
I was in long-term relationships
with men.
I was never a snoop,
nothing like that.
A woman, I was awake at night
begging God to transmit me
her phone password.
I was like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Watching her unlock her phone,
trying to memorize
the finger swipes.
I was like, "Finger goes up,
is that a three?
Then down here, seven,
is that an eight?
Finger going up
and then down, three, seven."
Whoa!
Careful out there.
Um, let's see, okay, yeah.
What, you want one-liners?
I got one-liners.
What do you need?
What do you need, folks?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Ah... Okay.
You ever regret a shower?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That's all I have.
Now, that one ends there.
Oh, you know when you go
into someone's house
and their books
are organized by color?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Like, as a design choice? Okay.
It's not that the people
who do this are dumb.
That's not what I'm saying,
okay?
There are people I know
and love who do this.
I'm just saying, when you go
into someone's home
and they've done this,
you're not in the home
of an intellectual.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Subtle distinction there.
Here's one for the ladies.
Girls.
Girls, don't you hate
getting your nails done?
I wish I could go under
to get my nails done.
Waking up like...
(GROANS) "I love it."
Too much anesthesia stuff
in one hour. It's too much.
They're like, "She really likes
talking about going under."
(CHUCKLES)
I love a hospital.
I'm safe there. Okay.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love restaurants.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I love restaurants!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Doesn't that feel good?
Doesn't that feel good
just to say that? Yeah.
Going out to eat.
Going out to restaurants,
arguably the only reason
to be alive.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Although sometimes on a menu
it'll be like, "Ancient grains."
And I'm like,
"Let's relax, okay?
Rice. Okay, let's go
with rice on this one." (LAUGHS)
I watch a lot of media
around chefs and food,
and I'll be watching
a beautiful documentary,
and it'll be gorgeous
photography
in slow motion and voiceover,
and it'll be like,
"I'm a storyteller.
I tell stories."
And I'm just like,
"Is the story about how cheesy
my dinner's gonna be?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Why don't you hush up
and crisp the edges, sweetheart?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm not demeaning chefs.
That would be crazy. Okay.
Uh, um, um, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm at a place in my life
where I'm ready to say
that I will not be
booking massages any longer.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I don't know
where the propaganda
around massages,
where that first took place
where it was like,
"It's your birthday,
book a massage.
You got a promotion..."
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Like, the only relief
I ever get from a massage
is after I've booked it
and then
I can report to the community,
"I did my government-issued
relaxation technique."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When I go to a massage,
as soon as my head
hits the hole...
and I feel my masseuse enter.
As soon as I feel her enter,
by the way, her,
I'm not a fucking lunatic.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
My friend was getting
on me about this.
She was like, "You're so weird,
like, it's not sexual."
I'm like, "It's overtly sexual."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's so sexual that the entire
subtext of the experience is,
"Oh, no, what if
we accidentally have sex?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And every massage
I've ever been in,
as soon as my face
hits the hole,
my first thought is,
"Don't worry,
it'll be over soon."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Every time. She's on my leg.
I'm experiencing a pain
I've never endured.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Meanwhile,
I'm breathing through it,
trying not to make her
uncomfortable.
Performing pleasure for who?
She can't even see me.
I'm performing
for the spirit world...
at this point.
And she's on my leg.
I'm telling myself,
I'm like, "When she transfers,
you are speaking up
for yourself, goddammit.
Kate,
we've been through harder
times than this, sweetie."
And then it's happening,
I'm like, "She's transferring,
it's too late,
I've said nothing."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The way I can just slip
into these social
performances so easily
for other people, and why?
Like getting directions.
Still, if I'm ever like,
"Oh, which way is the thing?"
As soon as someone's like,
"Oh, well, you see that corner?"
I'm like, "Uh-huh." I don't.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don't and I never have.
At that point,
I've left my body.
I'm no longer able to hear
or metabolize any information.
And then I lock into
this performance of,
"Uh-huh, uh-huh,
oh, yeah, yeah."
They're like,
"And you know the bridge?"
I'm like, "Imagine if
I didn't know the bridge."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Yeah, no, sweetie,
I know the bridge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
I'm like, "Can we just speed
through this to get
to the part
where I'm lost faster?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What's going on
with pillow tags?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What is that?
I was having a deep,
beautiful nap.
I woke up, I felt a crinkle,
I'm like "Huh,"
and then I just see, this close,
"Prohibited by law."
I was like...
- (SCREAMS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The pillow tag? You're a pillow.
You are the least serious object
in my home.
And you're like,
"Don't get too comfortable."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"I'll see your ass
in court, bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I looked this up,
this broke my heart.
Multiple people googling,
"Is it illegal to take
the tag off a pillow?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
KATE BERLANT: Oh, I wrote...
"I used to think
that if I could achieve
an orgasm through
penetration alone,
that I would no longer
fear death."
We'll touch on this briefly.
Um...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I want to be clear,
when I say penetration alone,
I mean alone. I'm talking
about nothing but net.
Okay? And I know some women
that can do this.
Craziest bitches
you'll ever meet. I mean...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They are loyal. They are kind.
They can't tell a story well.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They're not good
in an emergency.
I truly believe God sees
these women's lives and is like,
"Give her this."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, LAUGHING)
Okay, you've had your fun.
Back to the gay stuff.
Sorry, it's all I think about.
(CHUCKLES)
Do you know what it's like
to be sexually
confused at thirty-beep!
- Do you understand?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The degree to which I obsess
about my sexuality
is so intense,
and I know you're like,
"Yeah, we're kind of getting
a sense of that."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But it's compounded by the fact
that I have OCD.
(CHOKED SHRIEK)
Yeah, I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I have my papers in the back,
I have a formal diagnosis
from a doctor
in Beverly Hills, okay?
And I have Pure O,
purely obsessional,
no compulsions, and...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Turns out a classic
Pure O trigger, sexuality.
Uh-oh! (CHUCKLES)
And another trigger for me
that I think is connected,
shoe size.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I genuinely don't know
what size shoe I am.
I find that all my shoes are...
a little too small
or a little too big.
I'm between sizes.
I'm not insane, I make it work,
but I always know I'm in a shoe.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Maybe one day I'll be like,
"I'm a size nine
and I'm gay." But...
I just don't think that's me.
Like, I'm living the questions,
you know?
I cherish the sacred
inner drama.
Are we not constantly in flux?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I'm gonna claim
to understand myself?
I don't understand myself.
I don't understand anything.
I don't understand the moon.
And I've seen the moon
every day of my life.
This just happened to me,
I was driving.
Looking out my window,
I saw a beautiful
full moon. I was like... (GASPS)
Driving, driving.
(PUFFS) Suddenly it's there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(PUFFS TWICE)
In moments. No.
"Sorry, hi, no,
I don't accept that."
I was trying to explain
this to my friend.
She was like, "Oh, well,
because of the rotation."
I was like... (MOCKINGLY)
"Oh, because of the rotation?"
(PUFFS TWICE)
No.
Reality is hanging
on by a thread.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I know what you're thinking.
"Please look down
at the notebook again.
I need a break
from laughing so much."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Oh, God,
I hope she looks down soon.
I'm gonna blow a gasket."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There were some red flags,
early red flags
that something was
going on with me.
For example, my childhood
celebrity crushes were
Uncle Fester...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...from The Addams Family...
and Pamela Anderson in Baywatch.
I would say the two intrigued
me equally. I was like...
Huh? Ah.
"Huh. Oh,
don't make me choose."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Also the biggest
red flag of all,
look at what I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
When I started doing
stand-up comedy,
I was 17 years old,
and I genuinely thought
it would get me a boyfriend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I was like, "That's it,
I'll be on stage.
I'll be in a cute outfit.
I'll be funny."
Men hate this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You have to trust me
on this one,
they fucking hate it.
Some men are intrigued,
they're like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Jokes aside, you're smart."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But it's not sexual for them.
They're like, "You'd be prettier
if you stopped doing that."
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Can I pay you
to stop doing that?
Please stop doing that."
And if there is a flicker
of attraction,
I've seen this happen,
they're like,
"You're funny
like my friend Josh.
Oh, God, if I like you,
does that mean I'm gay?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
There is no
biological imperative
for a woman to be funny.
Being funny repels men, okay?
It repels them.
They say
they want the funny girl.
No, they don't, okay?
They don't want a funny girl.
What they want
is a girl they can prank.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They want a girl
who's like... (GROANS)
"Stop! Oh, my God!
Stop. Oh, my--
I'm gonna kill you, stop."
In an oversized hoodie
and just the strings are pulled
till the hole is so small.
It's just a tiny hole
with pink lips going,
"Stop! Oh, my God!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, hey, of course not
all straight men, okay?
There are some beta cucks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Love you, truly, okay?
Con todo mi corazn.
Like, for real.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Who am I?
Who am I? Anyone know? Yeah.
Been on a search
the last few years
and one of the things I've done
to maybe arrive
at some greater truth is I did
a big ego loss mushroom trip.
Yeah, so. Pretty cool.
- And, um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, I was-- You know,
I did the research.
I found this amazing
White shaman through a friend.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was taking it seriously.
I was doing
intake calls with her.
I was writing down my dreams.
I've also been
in Jungian analysis
for years now.
I do the shadow work because
no one else will.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I was cutting down
on refined sugar and caffeine.
And I did this really long drive
into the mountains
to spend the night at this
woman's cabin. And I get there.
She gives me this very
strong mushroom tea to drink.
And it was really intense.
I was pretty much
just knocked out,
eyes closed on my back
for like eight hours.
And I wouldn't say it was scary,
but it was challenging.
And when I tell you
the defining theme of this trip,
what the whole experience
kept coming back to
was Succession.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The HBO television program,
Succession.
That is so devastating.
Imagine diligently peeling back
the layers of your unconscious.
And the only thing that's there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I like the good show!
And I'm telling you,
it wasn't like,
"Oh, it felt like hours,
but it was really five minutes."
It was hours of me on my back,
hot tears streaming
down my face.
Like, "They really stuck
the landing with that finale!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(WHINING) No, I'm like,
"There must be more.
No, please!"
(GASPS) "No. Oh, no."
Like, that's my phone.
I blame my phone.
Like, what do I do
for the big answers of life?
Where do I go?
I wasn't raised with religion.
Okay? And for that reason,
words like "God"
don't have any baggage for me.
Like, I can go into a Catholic
church and be like,
"Work." Like, it's just...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But where do I go for a sacred
communal experience?
I'm a crass American, okay?
I consume. I shop.
I go to the modern-day cathedral
of the department store.
And you are supposed
to leave your house
to buy things, okay?
Shopping is one of the only
sacred rituals we have left
that forces us
to engage with the other.
You have to leave your house
to get things.
This is a miracle
that we're all here tonight.
Okay? I'm serious. You think
I want to be here at all?
Okay? It is so hard
to leave your house,
but you have to. We have to.
And department stores,
they're in trouble.
When's the last time you went
to a Bloomingdale's?
- Exactly. Okay?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Go check in on the girls.
Okay? I went to
a Bloomingdale's recently,
opened the doors. I was like,
"The nation's sick." Just...
hot air, no AC, just... (PUFFS)
Just hot air,
almost took me out.
There were like three people
in there scattered like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Going to a department store
used to be like entering
the wild markets
of Marrakesh in the '70s.
There'd be women
with perfume spraying you.
It was like assault.
You were like, "No!"
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
They're gone.
I thought I'd be spending
my entire life
going to department stores.
This is what life
was supposed to be like.
You would be nine months
pregnant, terrified.
You'd go to a department store,
you'd be like,
"I don't know what to get."
This wise older woman
would find you.
She'd be like,
"Here's what you need, sweetie.
You need this, you need this.
Do you know what you're having?
Oh, a surprise.
We did that too."
And send you on your way.
It'd be beautiful.
More years would pass.
Your daughter is now 15.
Your baby girl needs
a prom dress.
That same woman would be there.
She'd be like...
(GASPS) "Santa Maria!"
- Ah!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She would help you pick out
the prom dress.
More years would pass.
Your daughter? (CHUCKLES)
She moved to Seattle.
She hasn't called in eight days.
Oh, and your husband?
Dead.
You would somehow
find the strength
to drag yourself
to the department store.
You'd open the door,
the same woman would be there,
her spine distorted by time,
just reduced to a single eye
at this point. It'd be like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And this woman would help you
pick out your funereal garb.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Your entire life cycle
would be anchored
by these essential,
fleeting human interactions.
She would be this sacred witness
throughout time.
She is gone.
The phone shot her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
By the way,
I'm writing a book about this.
I only have the title.
It's called Brick and Murder.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
The decline
of contemporary culture traced
through the decline
of the department store.
Now, when you want something,
what do you do?
Amazon, right? You're like,
"I want it." (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Amazon's like, "Okay.
Would you like that to arrive
tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.?
Or 4:00 a.m.?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You're like,
"4:00 a.m., bitch."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
What part of "now" wasn't clear?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
That morning, 4:00 a.m.,
your package drops.
That night around 7:00 p.m.,
you rip into it like an animal.
And hey, I'm an activist.
I order from Amazon
every other day.
- Take the pledge!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
After my show recently,
a woman and her friend came up
to me and they were like,
"We loved your show, thank you."
And I was like, "Oh, great."
And they go, "Yeah,
and we don't think
women are funny."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I was like, "Sorry,
what was your name again?
You seem pretty cool."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It took me aback,
'cause that's a thing
that you kind of hear sometimes.
Women aren't funny.
People say men aren't funny.
No one says that.
I just wanted to
explain to her, like,
"No, no, no, no.
Comedy isn't funny."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(KATE CHUCKLES)
When I was a little kid,
I would say maybe
my biggest fear was... (GASPS)
"What if I'm not
the prettiest girl
- in the whole world?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And I had a sneaking
suspicion I wasn't.
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
And here I am now doing this,
fully grown woman,
doing this, living my dream,
recording a...
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
...standup comedy special,
so that maybe more people
will see me and...
- I'll be a star!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
This is a guaranteed path
toward being called ugly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I am up here joyfully
paving the path...
toward, "You are ugly."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
God, to have faced no adversity.
What do I do? Heh.
No, I wish I could go
to work right now
in the trauma mines
for you be like...
(IMITATES PICKAXE CLACKING)
Pull out this gorgeous,
tragic diamond, be like,
"They called me Gay Kate."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Look at it!"
I didn't care. (SCOFFS)
It's the truth.
I don't know, I guess I gotta go
light up another room. (SCOFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(GROANS)
I do want to thank you all
for supporting
a queer artist tonight.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Who has chronic pain?
Um... (CLICKS TONGUE)
My back hurts from being
an emerging talent for so long.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(KATE CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I know it's hard to tell
by just looking at me,
but I'm actually just 5'3".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Because of my hair and gravitas,
people always think I'm taller,
but I'm really just
a wee little thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hey, little girl,
is your daddy home
Did he go
and leave you all alone
Straight guys only?
Where are you, straight guys?
Wait, they don't love you
like I love you
Wait, straight guys.
They don't love you
like I love you
(VOCALIZING)
I just wanted
to show you I could. I could.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
KATE: I choose not to,
but I can.
Oh, my God,
I'm getting distracted.
I have to pick up
the girls from ballet.
Sorry, I keep forgetting.
Thank God.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Uh-oh. (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
A friend came up to me
after a show recently
and was like,
"You need a big closer,
like a big splashy closer."
And I thought about it.
- No.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's the thing, the closer
is an apparatus of the state.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The closer is a mechanism
for social control, okay?
The closer is Disneyland.
The closer is Christmas.
And like Christmas, it should
always be on the horizon.
It should never actually arrive.
When you are inside
the day of Christmas,
you want to kill yourself.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Christmas is not
about Christmas.
It's about the lead up
and the anticipation.
This, am I supposed
to believe this is true,
this is what you want
from me right now?
This is what you want?
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Hey!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No! (SCOFFS)
No, and also, by the way,
this is the biggest reaction
a conventional closer ever gets.
Okay, it's this.
- Huh. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
'Cause they brought it
all the way around. Yeah, yeah.
No. No, no.
The closer-- (HESITATES)
The closer--
By the way, the closer?
It's inherently patriarchal.
Yeah! Yeah, it's phallic.
It positions orgasm
as necessary end.
It's like,
"You need to come that badly,
can't we just fuck?"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah. The closer
is not about pleasure.
The closer is about
market demands.
It's about making me clippable.
It's about chopping me up
into little pieces,
so that your homophobic uncle
might be like...
(INHALES SHARPLY)
"I guess she's not that ugly."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Let's imagine
I was a gymnast up here, okay?
Fifteen years old,
60 pounds on a good day, okay?
Imagine I was up here and I did
ten flips through the air.
What makes those ten flips
impressive is this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
The flying through the air
wasn't enough.
You need to be able
to micro-critique the landing,
be like, "Oh, yeah,
she had me, but..." (HESITATES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It would be impressive
if I did ten flips
through the air,
landed on my skull, and died.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I've had you on all fours
barking like a seal for an hour.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Okay.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I've been your diligent whale
at the water park.
Big splash, whoo!
And it would be predictable
for me to do a final flip.
This is what you want, really?
This is what you need right now?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And then the final
humiliation ritual
of my dorsal fin wave.
You need this?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
No, no.
And I can't give that to you.
I don't have closure
about my life.
I've learned something
about my life.
It's not coherent. (CHUCKLES)
You get to go on.
This is your night out.
This is my life!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You all get to leave, go on.
I'm still here.
Gay, bisexual, anesthesia.
What size shoe am I?
I hate my phone! Oh, God!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's not enough
that I've devoted
my life to you?
- I don't have a family!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, no closer.
I will not be
your Shamu tonight.
(EXHALES) Okay.
So, here's what's gonna happen.
You are all going
to calmly exit the space.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
And I will remain.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I will remain
and I will passively
watch you for once.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And, you know, you really were
a beautiful crowd tonight.
I've been meaning
to say all night,
you should teach audience.
Like, really.
And... and also,
if anyone here tonight
did not like the show,
that is totally fine,
but just know,
that's abuse.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
BY GIUSEPPE VERDI PLAYING)
- (INAUDIBLE)
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES
APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
("REQUIEM: II. DIAS IRAE"
CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MUSIC SLOWS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)