Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019) Movie Script

No gyal can tell me 'bout my mother
16 shot, we go longer than a ladder
Dem nuh fi talk
'Bout the real don dada
Put body inna pot
Dem a bun like grabba
No boy can diss me or my mother
Round here ain't safe
Everybody need armour
16 shot, we go shotta any bluddah
Rah-ta, rah-ta
Ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah
You couldn't be badder
- Than a King-stony
- Hi!
Diss my mother
Then your skin start bleed
So don't bother mess with my mommy
Baby, tink you bad
Say ya badder than she
If dog a-go bark
Long time dem doh eat
Welcome. Thank you so much
for sharing your evening with me.
What a thrill to be here
in what's left of America.
You've done an amazing job with it. Um...
My name is Katherine,
and for the last year or so,
I've been touring around the UK,
um, mostly making people very angry.
I'm not really sure
what makes them so angry.
Uh, all that it is, I suppose,
is that I am a woman who is 35 years old,
and I don't have a boyfriend
and I don't want a boyfriend.
I love men,
but I feel that men are like dolphins,
in that they should be enjoyed on holiday.
And they're very intelligent,
almost as smart as people.
But that doesn't meanyou should
have one in your house. Why would you...
What a disaster that would be.
What do they even eat?
And a large number of them
turn out to be sexual predators as well.
Hashtag #notalldolphins,
but many dolphins.
They are the chimpanzees of the sea.
I feel that men are nature's gun.
You know, you're statistically most likely
to be killed by the one in your house.
That's the bit
they get mad about. That's...
That's probably it.
"Well, Katherine, no,
statistically, men are
most likely to be victims of homicide."
True. Who's killing them?
Ghosts? It's not us.
Women don't have time to kill men.
First of all,
we wish you no specific harm.
And also, we're very busy.
When women do, unfortunately,
commit murder, it's, like, a big deal.
They get a whole sit-down interview
with Piers Morgan.
And if that's not
dangling a carrot, like...
Come on ladies, one more time.
Uh, there's been some feedback,
and I enjoy taking it on board.
They say, um... "Katherine,
you need to work harder
on making your showa safe space for men."
There've been a lot of suggestions
on how to do it.
So, number one,
if men are uncomfortable,
just have sandwiches ready
to deliver to them.
Uh, that should help. Oh!
Someone said perhaps I should do
the entire show as their mother.
But that's a lot of admin,
and I don't have time for...
Someone said, "Maybe build a set
like an entire kitchen,
and then you'd be performing
in a familiar environment."
But I just think
they should grow a dick instead.
But... Yeah.
As I have done. Um...
'Cause comedy
is a completely safe space for men.
Men have a lot of safe spaces,
like the Senate and the world and...
Um, I get it, I'm a woman
who has ideas and opinions
and I say those out loud on a stage.
People are like...
"Why doesn't she just sing a song?"
I don't know, but I can't tell you
how much stand-up comedy
I have had to listen to in my career
where men are like,
"If I'm fuckin' a hooker and she comes,
I'm askin' for my money back."
It's like...
is she gonna give you
pretend money back?
Like, "Seven, eight..."
'cause she didn't come.
Here you go,
and your change.
I'm just not good at dating.
I tried it on for a little while.
And for everyone's better life,
I've taken myself out of the game,
and then loads of people in my life
want me to get back into the game.
Why? Why do I have to be like you?
If I were this bad at anything else...
If I were a surgeon
who managed to kill every patient...
and burn down the palliative care unit...
pretty sure my friends and family
would not be like,
"Katherine, when are you gonna get back
in the emergency room, girl?
Just one more try."
I'm not gonna be single forever.
I think the ladies will agree with me,
35, far too young to settle down
and have a man in your house.
Far too young.
Dangerously young.
You don't think so, sir?
You look... Oh, oh, oh.
You're just pointing at a nearby woman.
"Talk to her."
Have I made you uncomfortable already?
My goodness.
I don't have any sandwiches on me.
Perhaps if I speak to you from my knees.
What more can I do?
Um, does he belong to you?
- That's wonderful news. What's your name?
- Michelle.
- Michelle? And what's your name, sir?
- Joseph.
Joseph? Well done. Um...
It's okay.
- Do you keep this man in your house?
- I do.
You do? Oh, my goodness. For how long?
Almost six years.
Six years in the house, Joseph!
And what do you do in there?
I clean the kitchen.
You clean the kitchen.
That's very good.
What else do you get up to in the house?
- Video games.
- Video games.
- You do what?
- Video games.
- Video games. You look... You're allowed.
- Yeah!
He's just shamefully withdrawn, like...
"I play video games."
"I wank into a mirror."
You're allowed to do all those things,
Joseph, okay.
Um, do you... do you work?
- Are you a stay-at-home husband?
- Yes. I work.
No, you work, good.
And how long are you out of the house for?
- How many hours do you get away?
- Oh, gosh. At least seven.
Seven hours, okay.
Oh, I could maybe live with that one day.
- So you get some exercise and come back.
- Yes.
What do you do together?
Is he sexually adventurous?
- That's for you.
- Oh God, I...
- No?
- I don't...
- Not after six years, Joseph.
- Less lately.
No one's expecting a miracle.
You're all right.
- Okay, but you're an asset to the house?
- Yeah.
- Great, and you get along?
- Yes.
- Yes. Sometimes.
- Absolutely wonderful.
Even though you're clearly far too young
to have a man in your house.
- How old are you? Do you mind if I ask?
- 35.
35! Exactly.
Golden age.
Listen, I'm glad
that it's working out for you,
because I have considered allowing a man
like you, Joseph, into my...
house and... et cetera, but...
I just feel like, right now,
it's best if I stay single
until I am the age
that Cline Dion is now.
- Yeah, do you know Cline Dion, Joseph?
- Not personally.
- Oh, she...
- She loves her.
You love her, I love her.
Who doesn't love Cline Dion?
Cline Dion
is an entire OJ Simpson prison sentence
and a half older than I am.
And there's not a person here
who wouldn't fuck Cline Dion.
You grow in value.
Cline Dion is a freak in the streets
and a freak in the sheets.
You can be both at that age.
Cline Dion is the face of Dior.
Cline Dion is living her best life.
She has released albums in Japanese,
Mandarin Chinese,
Latin, German, Spanish,
Italian, French, English...
The current president
of the world's largest economy
cannot even speak oneof those languages.
Cline Dion is kicking it in the dick.
Why? Because her husband is dead.
He's dead.
He's dead!
Bye-bye, Ren. Au revoir, monsieur.
He's dead. And don't get it twisted.
It's not that I think
the only good husbands are dead ones.
It's that I know Cline Dion's husband
met her when he was 38 years old
and she was, does anybody know?
- 12.
- Yes, you people know.
She was 12.
She was 12,
and the whole world collectively decided
to let that one slide.
They're like, "Bah, I don't know,
Cline Dion, she knew what she was doing."
Now, I do have to say,
he met her when he was 38
and she was 12, and they worked together.
He was her manager.
Just, you know, in charge of her
day-to-day affairs, like a father figure.
And nothing sexual happened
between them until the magical evening
of her 18th birthday
when they fell in love.
That's the legal bit for Netflix.
So I don't really know
who the true victim is there.
I kind of feel like
it's R Kelly, somehow. It's...
It is him.
Poor R Kelly.
He's over here trapped in the closet,
looking at this relationship like, "What?
I would've been so much less creepy
if I grew up in Marseille! Why?"
Life's not fair, that's why.
But just currently, I don't know,
I'm having an amazing time.
I have a beautiful daughter...
uh, who's British.
And I really recommend
having an English child.
It's like having a tiny,
ineffective butler at home.
Aw, she's got me feeling
like the Fresh Prince all day.
"I'm ever so sorry, Mummy.
I appear to have mashed Nutella
into the carpet again."
I'm like, "You did.
You are the shittiest butler in the world.
But I love you, and hey,where's
Mummy's drink, though? Where is it?"
"Oh, oh, I do apologize, Mummy.
Would you like a day wine
or a night wine?"
Isn't that so cute?
She thinks white wine is for the day
and red wine is for the night.
And she's not wrong, is she?
She's a very...
very perceptive little girl.
If you wanna mess with her head,
ask for wine about 5:30.
She just looks at the sun,
like, "Oh, goodness me.
Is it day or...
Oh, no...
Would you ladies like a ros?"
"Fuck off.
We're not in France."
She's a wonderful child.
She's absolutely wonderful. She's the kind
of kid that stitches you up.
She never has a tantrum,
she's very polite.
But if she is mad at me, she'll just wait
three days, till we visit friends,
and she'll say to them,
"Have you got any apples?
I haven't had an apple in weeks."
Just a lie.
She'll say,
"My mummy hides wine in the walls."
You know that's a wine rack.
I'm not hiding it there.
That's where it goes.
I love being a mother, but I am dealing
with a real prick on the school run.
Does anyone know Jane from North London?
Do you guys know this prick?
You get out to Primrose Hill much? No?
So Jane used to have
a corporate career. And that's fine.
And now Jane stays home
to look after seven tiny children.
And that, ladies, is also fine.
Apart from I did not know
you could have that many that fast.
I genuinely did not.
Her eldest daughter is the same age
as my only daughter,
and then I blinked
and she shot out six more,
just like... rrrrrrrrrr!
Jane's having a baby
every four months, somehow.
Jane, she keeps it together.
Jane has an ass like a peach,
cervix like a Hula-Hoop.
Boom! Boom!
Shooting them out,back on the school run.
Jane's involved in all the fundraising
at the children's school,
and she's on my dick
about the cake sale every other month.
Just, "Katherine,
will you help with the cake sale?
Katherine, you didn't sign up
for the cake sale.
How many cakes will you make?"
Finally, I put my foot down.
I said, "None.
Because the last time I helped you,
you sold my cakes for ten cents."
She sold them for ten cents each.
"Are we selling these cakes
for Bangladeshi kids
or to Bangladeshi kids, Jane?
Where are you getting
your price point, prick?
Where's your scale of economies at, huh?
How and when were you ever effective
in the corporate world, bitch?"
Don't let these people trick you.
They don't even need money.
They just wanna take your time.
I said, "If it is about the money, Jane,
how about I cut you a check for $100,
you fuck off and make 1,000 cupcakes?"
That is how many it is.
Jane has a ham-colored husband
call Brian.
You do know Jane.
I have never seen Brian
out of a bicycle helmet in my entire life.
And I have never seen a bicycle.
There may not be a bicycle.
Brian's out there,
riding a bicycle of the mind.
But it gives me some insight into...
Men have identity issues, as well.
He's about 45,
and when he makes those cameos
on the school run,
he wants everyone to know he's still fit.
Bicycle helmet, workout gear,
full spandex,
he's circumcised, you can tell.
"Just here to collect my children."
Brian runs marathons.
The worst kind of prick, by the way.
What is it about a middle-aged man,
he's gotta know he can be 26 miles away
from home on foot at any given moment?
Y'all just start running around, like...
"I'm raising awareness for cancer!"
"We've heard of it. Sit down.
It's deeply popular."
And Jane loves Brian very much.
And I'm very happy for them.
That is the traditional shape of a family.
And there's some people,
that if you deviate,
especially as a woman,
from being the type of person
they understand,
they just can't deal with it.
Jane is one of these people.
She looks at me and she says,
"Oh, Katherine,
you are alone.
I would be so sad if I were alone."
I said, "I'd be sad
if I was alone with you too, Jane.
But when I'm alone,
I get to hang out with me."
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
She goes,
"Oh, but surely you're very worried.
Aren't you worried
that you're running out of time
to have another baby?"
I said, "We're all running
out of time, Jane.
That's how time works.
If anything, I have more time than you do
'cause I don't have to help find
14 tiny shoes every morning.
And I don't have to sleep
with your husband.
No, I fuck him 'cause I want to.
I don't have to do it."
That's what makes it fun. Thank you.
"My body, my choice, Jane." Uh...
No, don't panic.
I'm not sleeping with Brian.
Of course I'm not sleeping with Brian.
Though I would hate fuck Brian.
Um... But don't... It's just because
I'm an excellent mother.
I'll tell you what I mean.
So their eldest daughter, Hannah,
has been bullying
my angel daughter, Violet.
And she and I have
very different personalities.
My daughter gets deeply wounded
by bullying
because she just lives with me,
and at home, I'm nice to her all the time.
We're not like a mom and a nine-year-old.
We are like two nine-year-olds,
but one of us has cellulite
and a credit card.
It's amazing.
"It's her." "It's me." Um...
And we have all those little,
teeny, tiny dogs.
You know, the ones
that men won't let you get?
The ones that just shiver
and piss from their eyes.
I got 40 of them.
There's no one to stop me.
And I could handle bullying.
I mean, I was the only child in the world
who believed my mother when she said,
"They're just jealous, Katherine."
I was like, "Girl, I know.
They could have victimized
any girl in the school,
but they chose me."
And one other girl
with a cleft palate and one leg.
But we were the Kim and Kanye
of the fourth grade.
'Cause the only other place I'd seen
women victimized for their looks
was in magazines.
So when it happened to me,
I was like, "Ah, I have arrived!"
I was bulletproof.
They'd throw paper
at my head in class, I'd be like,
"Who should I make this out to?"
and thank them for their support.
I don't have a child like that.
She cries,
she doesn't want to go to school anymore.
And teachers, if you're in,
you do not get paid enough
for the tremendous job that you do.
And that's why I take my beef
to the streets.
I went straight to Jane.
I said, "Jane, the girls arenot
getting along. Violet is very upset.
I would appreciate it if you could have
meaningful conversations
about empathy in your home."
Jane, for the first time,
wanted no involvement.
She said, "Meh...
Why don't we let the school deal with it?"
I was like, 'Meh...
"Why don't I fuck your man?"
Yes, 'cause I've been watching
a troubling amount of Love & Hip Hop.
And I will break up a family
on a Tuesday afternoon.
Of course I will.
What kind of mother are youif you're not
prepared to weaponize your pussy
against the enemies of your children?
We've got a lot of good moms in tonight.
I will hate fuck the absolute shit
out of Brian.
I will let him keep the helmet on.
He'll need it. How about that?
I don't wanna do it, I really don't.
That's why I think the best thing to do
would just be
to gently threaten the child.
Just like, "Good morning, Hannah!
Are you gonna be nice today?
Mm, I hope so.
Hey, how'd you like to spend every other
weekend on the highway, huh?
You're about to have
two Christmases, bitch. I..."
Being a single mom's not for everyone...
um, but it certainly is for me.
And I think I co-parent
with Violet's father quite successfully.
If you are co-parenting, you have
to be nice about the other partner.
"Oh, I know he was a monster to me,
but she does this..."
It doesn't matter. He's no one to me.
He's my child's dad,
and for that reason,
I shall never say a bad word about him.
Uh, my parents do not have
the same ethos.
I remember, one evening, I was in bed,
and I overheard my father
calling my mother a whore.
And I had a great sense of justice.
And so I appeared at the top
of the stairs in my jammies,
and I said, "Daddy!"
He said, "Yes?" And I said,
"Grandma's a whore!
How do you like it when someone
calls your mother a whore?"
He did not. He did not.
I mean, admittedly at the time,
I didn't know what a whore was.
Uh, and I can just tell you privately,
Margaret Ryan, my grandma,
absolute Irish Catholic saint,
could not have been less of a whore.
Compared to her, my mother
absolutely was a whore, so...
that was my bad on that one,
I hold my hands up, that was...
Uh... My mom's kind of like Frank Sinatra,
but really sexy.
She's just always smoking near,
like, Scotch and a piano,
just doing a few kick ball changes.
"How's England, doll?" "It's fine."
The trouble is, children are smart.
My daughter's nine years old,
she's got eyes in her head,
so she's started to ask
some very troubling questions.
She says, "Mummy, do you think
my daddy is a wonderful man?"
I'm like, "Wonderful?
He is the greatest man
that I have ever known."
She says, "All right, Mummy.
Do you think my daddy is a clever man?"
I'm like, "Clever? Try genius.
Some people say gambling problem,
I say wealth management strategy!
Your father is going straightto the top."
She says, "All right, Mummy. Um...
Do you think my daddy
is a very, very handsome man,
and do you fancy my daddy?"
- That's a tough one,but I persist.
- I'm like... "Yes.
Your father is the most beautiful man
I've ever laid eyes upon.
I lust for him every evening."
She's like, "Ew, all right. Um...
Well, Mummy, but if all that is true,
how come my daddy's not your boyfriend?"
They're smart. Aren't they smart?
You have to think on your feet as
a single mom. I'm like, "Great question.
That is because... he...
is too good for me."
She's like, "Is he, Mummy?
Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes, your father is out of my league.
I am not good enough for him.
That's how amazing your father is."
She's like, "What?
But, Mummy, you're on television.
He hasn't even got a microwave.
Are you sure?"
He could have a microwave.
He doesn't believe in microwaves.
La-la-la. Um...
A lot of our arguments when we were
together were very microwave-based,
so watch out for that.
And I said,
"Yes, Violet, you've got it right.
I love everything about him.
I miss him, I fancy him, all of that."
She's like, "I don't understand.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'm seeing Daddy on Friday.
I'll tell him how much you love him,
how much you miss him.
Quite easily,
I think I'll get you back together."
I don't have to worry. He's a really
good dad, so I know what he'll say.
He's gonna say,
"Yes, your mother is a very calm,
forgiving, low-maintenance woman.
Of course, I fancy your mother,
but she is too good for me."
And so we've worked it out
that Violet thinks she has two parents
who are very much in love,
but just with bottom-of-the-barrel
self-esteem problems.
And that is how
British children are raised.
I was out in the game,
I was out for a little while, accidentally
falling in love here andthere.
And there was a man that I thought,
"Oh, maybe I will allow him
into my house one day."
I didn't know, really,
what was gonna happen,
and then he made the decision for me
by moving to Japan.
Which I feel is overkill, if I'm honest.
Go to the next town, I won't follow you.
I'm very lazy.
You come anywhere outside my immediate
area code, I'm off the pill.
That's the deal with me.
He went to Japan and it broke my heart.
As soon as I was rejected, I thought,
"Oh, I've really missed out
on this amazing man."
And I was crying in my room,
and Violet found me.
She said, "Oh, Mummy, don't be upset.
That boy was a nuisance."
And I had to Google "nuisance."
She's very fancy.
She went to a far better school
than I went to.
I'm from a part of Canada
that's, like, awful.
- It's called Sarnia. Do you know it?
- Whoo!
No. Um...
There are two people
who are known to have left Sarnia.
There's me and then heroic
Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield.
Everyone loves Chris Hatfield.
He has millions of Twitter followers.
They named an asteroid,
two schools and an airport after him.
And I got a letterfrom the town council,
asking me to stop saying
I was from Sarnia.
That's the difference between us.
I just think Chris Hadfield
is a rubbish celebrity.
He's just a really nice guy,
just an astronaut, just some space fucker.
Who cares about him?
"Oh, Katherine, are you being too hard
on your local hero?"
No, he's got a mustache.
You can't be a celebrity with a mustache.
It just looks like they fired
a substitute teacher into space.
Far more interesting people
from my hometown.
How about my friend Elizabeth?
She overdosed on fentanyl 16 times.
Still alive, still doing fentanyl.
What a hero.
Or my other friend Mandy Kay.
She jerked off three hockey players
in the space of an hour,
and they went on to win the game.
Where's her airport?
Life's just not fair sometimes.
And so, um... he moved to Japan,
and Violet said,
"Don't worry, Mummy. He's a nuisance."
And then after about a week and a half,
he called me and he said,
"Oh, you didn't come."
I said, "Pardon me?"
He said, "I just figured you would come."
I was like, "Where'd that apathy get you
in our sex life?
"Why now what I spontaneously come?"
He goes, "No, no, no,
I figured that you would realize
how much you needed me
and you would follow me to Japan."
I was like, "You what?
You thought... You thought
that I was gonna sell the dogs,
pull my daughter out of school,
quit my little job,
move across the world,
place myself directly in the flight path
of a North Korean missile...
just to suck your dick in Japan?"
He said,
"Well, I guess if you won't follow me,
that just goes to show
that you don't need me."
I said, "You're just learning that? No.
No, I don't need you, I liked you.
I chose to have you around
because you're a laugh.
I enjoy your company,
but you are a luxury item."
And he said, "Well I need to be
with someone who makes me a priority.
And I suppose because you have a child,
I will never be your first priority,
I shall always be second."
And I was like, "Hah! Second? Oh.
And by the way, I paid for everything.
I was like,
"It literally says priority on your bags
every time I buy you a plane ticket.
And I always check back into economy
to see how you're doing on the flight."
What more could I possibly have done
for this man?
He said, "I must go where I am needed."
Okay, Batman, off you fuck.
Can you imagine, if I followed, just me,
the biggest, whitest woman in Japan.
Just like... "Raaar!
Give me back my boyfriend
or I shall destroy Tokyo!
Where is he?"
Would someone like me go to Japan?
- No.
- No. I went to Japan.
Of course I went to Japan.
I went to Japan!
I missed him so much.
And I left my daughter at her dad's.
I was like, "I'll be right back,"
and I flew all the way to Japan.
I was in such a rush, I fell
in the airport and broke my front tooth.
- Aww.
- Yeah, one of the best teeth.
I was at the lowest point of my life
and he was very sweet.
He collected me from the airport,
I didn't speak the language.
He took me to his apartment.
He said, "Don't worry.
We'll get your tooth sorted, it's fine."
And I thought,
"Wow, I was right to chase this man.
I do need him."
I rang my mother
and I told her the good news.
I said, "Mom, I'm gonna sell the dogs,
pull my daughter out of school,
move across the world
and live with this man in Japan."
And she said...
"Let me get this straight."
You're financially dependent
on a man in a foreign country
and you got no fuckin' teeth?"
She's a very clever whore, indeed.
So I came home. But I will be honest,
I'm not bulletproof,
it did hurt my feelings.
And my friends gathered round me,
like friends do in times of grief.
And they were like, "Girl, you need
to get yourself a revenge body, girl."
I was like, "A what?"
They said, "A revenge body."
"Unless it's his body
in the back of my truck, I don't follow."
And I know you don't follow.
You're like, "Katherine,why are all
your friends offensive stereotypes
of American black women?"
They're not. They're gay British men.
It's the same voice.
It's the exact same voice.
"Well, ah ah ah, h'auntie,
this will not do.
You need to get yourself a revenge body,
And I didn't know what it was.
And so I looked it up,
I found out revenge body,
it's a term coined by Khlo Kardashian,
one of my top five
favorite Kardashians, guys.
Do you enjoy the family?
Do you like the Kardashians?
Some do, some don't.
Oh, very divisive, aren't they?
Look, Joseph, just ratting out
your girlfriend straight away.
She loves them. So do I.
Give me a cheer if you like
the Kardashians.
Many people. Give me a cheer
if you dislike the Kardashians.
A lot more.
How do you feel about them?
- I'm indifferent. They're cool.
- Just indifferent?
- Yeah. They do their thing.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, apathy is a better attitude
than pure hatred based on nothing.
- What's your name?
- Jay.
Jay, do you watch the show?
- Uh, I've seen an episode.
- And what did you think?
Just apathy or were you motivated...
They make a good show.
Yeah, exactly, Joe, they make a good show.
That's why I watch it, very tasteful
interiors. I find it relaxing.
Okay, who dislikes the Kardashians?
You dislike them.
No, madam, you don't like them.
- What's your name?
- April.
April, why do you hate the Kardashians?
- They just don't do anything.
- They don't do anything?
They do things 24 hours a day.
They're doing things all the time.
You need to follow them on Instagram,
and you shall see.
Kim gets up at five a.m.,
straight in the gym.
She eats oatmeal and egg whites.
She's, like, basically an athlete.
She does that for you.
They have lots of painful procedures,
they're doing all these businesses.
Joe and I, we watch the show.
The Kardashians have Trojan horsed
a lot of important issues
into what looks like a vapid reality show.
They had an episode
on the importance of Planned Parenthood.
An episode on gun control.
I love the Kardashians.
For me, they are a matriarchy
of shape-shifting sisters
who destroy menor turn them to women,
and for that...
It's very much a sci-fi program.
All they had to do was be Rob.
That is all that was expected of them.
And these women rise up.
They're absolutely amazing.
They have beautiful children.
And all their children
somehow look like them,
even though they themselves
don't look like them.
And I will say they're not perfect,
but they are thriving
in a capitalist society
that they did not design.
And for me, they're very vulnerable.
They share everything.
And when I was heartbroken
during my breakup,
Khlo was also going through a breakup
with her then husband,
NBA star Lamar Odom.
Now, he had drug dependency issues.
Anyone who's been touched by that
knows he lost everything.
He lost his job and his fame and his wife.
And he lost way more weight
than she did, by the way, but...
But she didn't cry in her room
like I cried in my room.
Khlo got in the gym and she started
working out, lifting weights.
I thought, "What?
Here we go, revenge body.
She's gonna bulk up,
be drafted by the NBA,
beat him at his own game."
That's not what happened, though.
Uh, she just got a little bit smaller.
Aw, man, that's the best you can do
when a man tells you to go away?
Just, like, seven pounds of you goes away.
Men don't do it the same way,
and we've really gotta stop.
Show me a revenge film,
Taken, starring Liam Neeson.
That's a good movie.
Where is the scene, though?
When he's on the phone, like,
"I have a very specific set of skills.
You let my daughter go
and that will be the end of it.
But if you don't...
then, like, Bible,
I will lose ten pounds."
Yeah, I will appear on the cover
of Complex magazinein my underpants."
And the captors are like, "What? Oh, no,
we never hear such terrible revenge.
Please! Please!
Please, just kill us, no!"
It's never gonna happen.
When my boyfriend left,
I gained ten pounds,
perspective, a house
and a Netflix special.
Just eat some chicken wings,
just eat something.
They don't care.
You can be small if you wanna be small.
All of your bodies are very beautiful.
But it's troubling when there's only
one type of body that we see.
Meghan Markle, I'm supposed to like her,
even though she took the only viable
ginger cock off the market, and that...
that cut me very deep.
That is the white tiger of the dick world.
She saw his rare gemstone penis
and captured it like a horny Lara Croft.
And what's going on?
Why is she so small?
Is there not a kitchen in the palace?
These girls, they're all just so little.
Have you been in a room
with Meghan Markle? I have.
If she was born in the winter,
she wouldn't have made it.
She's this big.
What's the point of even being rich
if you can't have Taco Bell every day?
When she and Kate Middleton
go out on disaster relief,
you can't tell
who needs the malaria shots.
I'm very happy that there's
mixed ethnicity in the royal family.
It's groundbreaking.
But wouldn't it also be groundbreaking
to have a duchess over 92 pounds?
Like, "What? Feed these women!"
Do we have any single mothers in?
None. Good.
They're at home where they belong.
No single mothers? None?
- Anyone considering it? Oh, one.
- Whoo!
Just one single mom, then?
You're just gonna lead her out, see...
"We'll see how this goes for her,
and then..."
No, you're fine. Okay. What's your name?
Michelle and Dawn.
- Michelle...
- And Dawn.
- And Don.
- Yes.
Seems less single than before.
She hasn't realized she doesn't
have to say his name anymore.
Its just... You can just be Michelle.
Don's gone.
So, there are two single mothers,
you've arrived together,
one of you is Dawn
and one of you is Michelle?
- Yes.
- Okay, and you are speaking for the group?
You see how organized
a single mother has to be?
She's like, "Dawn, you be quiet.
As ever, I'm the spokeswoman.
You saw what happened when you tried
to get us those free drinks earlier.
Let me deal with it, Dawn."
Dawn, are you in an abusive friendship?
Welcome, Michelle and Dawn.
May I ask, how long has each of you
been a single mother for?
Oh, wow. 2009.
Same! Um...
Both... Both of you together decided
in 2009, "This is gonna be our year"?
And you were just coincidentally friends?
Or this was an organized...
- departure?
- Our kids are friends.
Your children are friends.
See, that's the thing.
That's why Jane's on my dick all the time.
Okay, your childrenare friends,
and you're friends,
and you're both single mothers,
out on the town,
enjoying a night of comedy.
Welcome. Um, are you dating,
are you feeling it out,
or just concentrating on your lives?
- Yes.
- Yes.
You just don't want
to be outed on Netflix.
You'll be like, "I'm on Tinder right now."
Okay, may I ask you,
do you enjoy being single mothers?
- Yes.
- Yes.
You both do. Straightaway.
No one ever says no. They're like, "Yep."
Do you feel that there's stigma attached
to being a single mom?
- Definitely.
- Yeah, why?
Why are these Janes like
"Just get back in a relationship."
Okay. Um, this is the thing, ladies.
I feel, if you are unsure
about your choices
ask yourself, "Would I be more celebrated
if I were doing this as a man?"
And if I were a man, if you were men,
we wouldn't be, "Single, oh, no."
We'd be eligible as fuck.
You can sit down, ladies.
Thank you so much. Um...
Thank you.
I just bought a house in central London.
They would have made me
the Bachelor two years ago.
Like, "Oh, my God, how does he do it?
How does a young, young,
young, young,
young, young, young, young
baby boy of a man...
How does he raise a gorgeous
young daughter without financial help
from anywhere?"
And there'd be memes of me
just vacuuming with no shirt on.
No one knows why, just...
"How does he do it?"
"I don't know.
I just push it back and forth. Uhh..."
There would be YouTube videos
going viral.
Have you seen these?
40 million views.
"Oh! Incredible dad
learns to braid his own child's hair!
How does he do it?"
And I'd be very smug.
I'd be like,
"Well, if you think my hands are full
you should see my heart.
I would say,
"I take three equal sections of hair.
And then, heroically, I fold one
into the other two, and so on."
Like any idiot could do.
And women all over the globe
would lose their shit.
They'd be like, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Michelle, Dawn, get over here!
Have you heard about...
this incredible single dad?
Where is he?
Is anyone sucking him off right now, here?
Can I go next?"
They'd form a very long line,
and then I would remove the mask
and be like, "Ha ha. I am a lady."
And those same women
would be like, "Ew, gross.
Another single mom.
She should have worked harder
to keep her family together."
He left because I asked him to
I asked him more than once
La-la-la, la-la-la
People always say,
"How are you single? I don't understand.
There are men. You could get one."
I know.
Still, still,
boys are taught to become somebody,
girls are taught to find somebody.
I have chosen to do neither
of those dog shit things.
And I still go on dates,
but with my girlfriends.
I recently accompanied
my single girlfriend Emma
to her aunt's funeral.
It was a beautiful day, and her aunt
was such an inspiring woman.
She lived to be 95 years old,
she escaped the Nazis,
and started an incredible business.
And as we saw her off,
a man next to us said,
"Oh, so sad.
95 years old
and never able to find a man."
I was like,
"How do you think she lived so long?"
Get your breath away from me
My daughter and I are, uh...
very dissimilar,
and that's okay.
She came home from school
the other day, and she said to me,
"Mummy, do you know what's happening
in my country?"
Which is an ominous way
to start any sentence nowadays.
I said, "What, Violet?
What's happening in your country?"
And she says, "Well, Mummy,
there are people coming into the country,
and they're using all the stuff
and taking all the jobs,
and soon there's going to be
nothing left for me."
I was like...
"I've raised a deplorable."
And she's very innocent. We have
the same problems all over the world.
The political climate is very similar.
I think sometimes we surround ourselves
with too many like-minded people.
My viewpoint is just a different one
to yours sometimes,
and hers is a different one to mine.
I think that's very healthy
for discussion.
The trouble is the irony.
I had to say to her, "Violet.
"Uh, you know, the people that you're
worried about coming into the country?"
She says, "Yes, Mummy?"
I said, "'Do you know that that's you?"
She says, "No it's not, Mummy.
I'm 100 percent British."
I was like, "You're 100 percent not.
You were born here,
but I came from another country.
Maybe you didn't notice
'cause I'm white, and..."
We're very sneaky. I...
started working straight away,
I had nothing.
I workedand I worked harder
and I paid tax and I worked.
And I didn't even use
our public health service in England
until the day I delivered her
in the hospital.
And she says, "Well, yes, Mummy, me.
And I'm entitled to those things
because I'm British."
I was like, "Oh! And if you're worried
about jobs, by the way,
plenty of jobs to do around here.
Start with the washing up, maybe clean
your fucking room every once in a while.
I promise, I'm only doing the jobs
that you won't do."
Sometimes I feel like a foreign nanny
who's given birth to my mean British boss.
And so I took her for a genetic test,
which is a fun thing to do
with any racist.
Have you been?
Have you been?
You must do it to see their little faces
when they find out they're Nigerian
and have to quit their club.
'Cause no one's 100 percent anything.
It would be very bad for you
if you were 100 percent anything.
Your ancestors moved all around the earth
and collected the strongest stuff
from all over, and that's why you're here.
Has anyone taken one of these tests
where you spit in a tube?
You have. Oh, both of you have. Hello.
- What's your name?
- Savvy.
Savvy, cool. Oh, my gosh.
Already we know it's gonna be spicy.
Okay, Savvy,
um, before you took the genetic test,
what did you think your ancestry was?
- I thought I was really Russian.
- Really Russian? Not just Russian?
- Like...
- Really Russian?
- Almost full.
- Almost full.
- And the other part German.
- Cool. Russian and German.
- Then what did it turn out that you were?
- Really British.
Really, erm... Scandinavian.
Do you remember the percentages
of the really?
Uh, 33.
- 33?
- Yeah.
- Oh, 33 is really, really high.
- Yeah.
- Most people aren't 33. Okay.
- Almost all three of them.
- And did it change your life in any way?
- No.
No, you were like, "Still white."
Poor Savvy. She was hoping she could
start singing Cardi B on public transport.
I was hoping for that as well.
But I took the test.
Well, Violet took the test first.
She's also 30% British, like you.
That's high. She was pleased with that.
I took the test,
and they asked me to take it again.
And I was like, "Uh-oh."
I took it again
and they said, "We're sorry,
you are 96 percent Irish,
which is entirely too high."
I know I'm Irish. My dad's Irish.
We visited all the timeas a kid.
It's a big clue.
But 96?
They were looking at me, like,
"How did she get dressed today?"
Like, that means my ancestors
never swallowed on holiday.
Even got in a... Just nothing. Nothing!
These lazy women just fucked in a circle
in one village in Ireland. Just...
Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin...
for thousands and thousands of years.
Trust me, no matter what anyone tells you,
that is not what you want.
And I know that right now, minorities feel
really displaced and disrespected.
I face a very different threat.
If this gets out, I could be farmed
into a sexual breeding program
by the alt-right.
They'll be like, "Oh, great news, we found
a really, really, really white one.
Come on!
Hurry, hurry! She's running out of time
to have another baby! Everyone!"
Just have to suck their old balls.
This is why I get excited
about becoming an older woman.
That will be liberty in many ways.
That's when I will finally be released
into a field and shot.
I can't wait.
I absolutely can't wait.
Too many things are about finding a man,
tricking a man, getting a man.
I have been told,
"Oh, Katherine, what are you wearing?
This elaborate fashion
will be very confusing to a man."
Is it?
I did not come dressed as the laws
of cricket. What you talking about?
"Just simple silhouettes,
Katherine, simple silhouettes."
Even my nails.
"Katherine, the only acceptable nail color
is ballet slipper.
This color of nails
will be very confusing to a man."
Some of you are glad I brought it up.
You were like, "She has two tennis rackets
holding a microphone."
These are hands. I know it's confusing.
Jane Fonda tweeted a photo
after an awards, where in the morning,
she was still wearing the gown
that she'd been in the night before.
Because women get trapped in our clothes.
That is how society is designed
to make sure we land a man.
And she stood there in a gown,
making eggs at nine a.m.,
and said, "Sometimes I do wish
I had a husband."
Women's fashions are a beautiful prison.
If Houdini wore Vivienne Westwood,
he would have drowned every time.
He was waiting for a Houdini joke.
He just was waiting...
He was like, "Finally.
Finally, she's mentioning something edgy.
Like Houdini."
Times have changed. I'm glad. I'm peaceful
and positive that they're still changing.
My grandmother would not
have been allowed to buy a house,
carry a passport, or open a bank account
without the signature of a man.
And so, when I bought our house...
By house, I mean home.
By home, I mean flat.
It's very small, it's in London.
It was such a momentous occasion.
I didn't think I'd ever be able to have
that security with my child
as a single mother.
And I invited my family to see it,
and they're from Canada.
And they arrived and they said,
"But, Katherine, it is so small.
This is the hoose
that you bought with all your money?
Don't you know what size hoose you could
afford in your hometown for this money?"
"Yeah, but what room
would I kill myself in?
Stop talking."
"Why don't you talk like your family
anymore, Katherine?
Are you too good for your family?"
"Do the words Celebrity Storage
Hunters mean anything to you?"
Yes, I'm too good for my family.
I'm very British now.
Um... My daughter is too good for me.
She is fancy. This is a fancy child.
We were on holiday, and she wanted
to get out of the swimming pool.
I was on the side with my sister.
And I don't even know
what she's saying half the time.
She called out, "Mummy, prepare my towel."
Means, "I'm ready
to get out of the water."
I was like, "How do you prepare a towel?"
My sister Joanne's like,
"What's a towel?" I don't know.
I don't know. In my day,
we didn't have towels.
You just shook yourself dry in the yard.
"Get out."
I was so proud of the flat.
And it's an old
gothic church conversion in England.
We had to redo the whole thing 'cause
it was falling apart. They love old shit.
And I, uh... I chose, with my daughter,
as a very healing, soothing ritual,
a space that was just ours.
Taking up space is very important.
We chose florals on florals,
dark Scandinavian florals,
rose gold brushed copper blush.
And I found a builder,
and I showed him my plans,
and in my house, he said,
"No, you cannot do this.
If you do this,
no man will want to live here."
I was like... "Eh-heh.
Do you promise? Get it on the wall."
The more he pushed against me,
the harder I pushed back.
He was like, "I don't think Golden Girls
tile mosaic is good idea for toilets."
"Get it on the wall."
And Violet's room is the glitter room.
And he didn't even want to call it that.
I mean, she wanted glitter carpet,
glitter wall, little glitter disco ball.
When I showed him that, he said,
"When will the decision maker be home?"
I was like,
"She's at school for two more hours.
So you better hurry up,
because that girl is mean to staff.
She will call Home Office on us both."
And he wouldn't call it the glitter room.
He was like, "The second bedroom."
I was like, "No, I need you to say it."
He didn't wanna say it.
And this is the thing.
I don't dislike men.
I dislike the toxic masculinity
that holds a lot of men back.
Feminism is good for you.
We want you to be earning money.
We want to earn money.
We want everyone to be the same
so that you can relax
and drink some day wine once in a while.
We want you to be yourselves.
This poor man was so repressed.
I said, "Just say glitter room,
just say the word.
Nothing bad's gonna happen to you."
And he was like... "Ahem. Ugh."
"Glitter room."
"Yeah, down the hall from where?"
He's like, "The piano nook."
I was like, "Say it." He was like, "Ugh."
"The Anna Kendrick Memorial Music Hall."
And he had a little bit of a lightness
to his step all of a sudden.
He's like, "I will be back on Wednesday."
I was like, "What do we do Wednesday?"
He's all, "We wear pink on Wednesday."
My gift to you, sir.
Violet loves Anna Kendrick.
Do you like Anna Kendrick too?
Oh, my gosh.
She's such a wonderful role model
for children.
She's really funny online, she's a great
actress, great singer, multi-talented.
Really spicy.
And when Violet told me
that was her first celebrity crush,
I was very happy to, like, take her
to all the movies and all the stuff.
And then one day she says to me,
"Mummy, Mummy!
Anna Kendrick's going to be in London.
Please, can I meet Anna Kendrick?"
And I was like, "No."
She says, "Why not? You're on television."
I was like, "Yeah, I can get you
in the audience of Bake Off.
That's about it."
She says,
"Please, will you just ask someone?"
So I spoke to my manager, who asit turns
out, knows Anna Kendrick's manager.
And he said, "Okay, I cannot
promise you a meeting,
but I'll tell you where they're doing
the press day for the movie.
If you go to the London hotel,
you might catch a glimpse of her.
But if you do,
the child has to remain calm.
They've been traveling a lot,
they don't want a fuss."
I said, "Don't worry,
this child's very fancy."
And so...
we went to the hotel,
and I got us spy outfits,
little spy hats,
little magnifying glasses.
Oh, yeah, to stalk the woman.
No, just because I knew
we probably weren't gonna meet her
and I wanted to make it fun.
If I'm running out of time to do anything,
it's to hang out with my child
while she still thinks I'm cool.
And we went down
to the dinner in the hotel,
and we said,
"Oh, is Anna Kendrick at dinner?"
She wasn't at dinner,
but we took lots of spy notes.
"That lady has an American accent.
Maybe she knows Anna Kendrick.
That man's eating fish and chips."
We stayed up very late in the hotel bar.
Mummy had many, many night wines.
Anna Kendrick...
was not in the bar.
And Violet fell into bed about midnight.
Up straight again, six a.m.,
down for breakfast.
Anna Kendrick wasn't at breakfast.
We have the spy outfits on again.
And then we sat outside
where the press junket was happening,
hoping we might catch a glimpse
of her on the way in.
But they must've snuck around back.
We didn't see her.
And I thought, "Oh, we had a really good
time anyway. This is character building.
You know what, Violet?
You don't always get what you want."
And then I heard the clickety-clack
of her heels
coming down the hallway towards my child.
And she looked her in the face
and said, "Hi.
You must be Violet."
And I burst into tears.
I was like, "Oh, my God!"
Oh, my God, she loves you so much!
She loves you so much!
Like, I'm really sorry
about the spy outfits.
Like, it's just a joke. I'm so sorry!"
Violet's like, "Oh, ignore my mummy.
She's Canadian. Er..."
I totally lost it.
I was just so pleased for her.
Anna Kendrick handled it well.
She was so polite, chatted to Violet.
They took a photo which now hangs
in the glitter room. And...
Afterwards, I got a stern telling off
from my manager.
He was like, "Hey, Katherine,
what the fuck was that?" I was like...
I did not know that I had those emotions.
But I'd been traveling a lot, and, uh,
we were in LA only four days later.
And Violet was with me,
and we went to a coffee shop.
And into the coffee shop
walks Anna fucking Kendrick.
And I thought, "No! I can't be done
for international stalking."
So as soon as I saw her,
I made my daughter face the wall.
She says, "What's going on, Mummy?"
I said, "Anna Kendrick just walked in."
She said, "Please, Mommy, please
can I say hello? I feel we had a rapport."
I had to Google "rapport." I'm like, "No.
Nope. You're gonna face the wall
until she leaves."
And so we're in the corner
of the coffee shop,
and the barista comes over
with one of those little Frappuccinos
you're not supposed to let them get,
and he was like, "Violet? Violet? Violet?"
We're still facing the wall.
Until I could feel the entire coffee shop
looking at us,
including Anna Kendrick.
And I thought, "Well, I have a second
chance now to redeem myself,
just play it cool, play it cool."
And I spun around and I said,
"Anna Kendrick, we're not here for you."
I took the drink and we left.
Not Anna Kendrick, as it turns out.
It was, uh... just...
You know, I really love men.
I think a lot of good men want to know
how they can make things better
for everyone.
And they ask me
why the women are so upset.
They say, "Katherine, uh...
fill me in, what's angering the dames?
Why are the dames
so out of sorts these days?
And... And who can we even
hug at work anymore?"
And the answer is no one.
But if you do feel like, uh... making
a sexual advance to someone at work,
make sure that it's your boss,
or, at the very least, an equal.
And definitely not the teenager
whose job it is to bring you coffee.
just stop fucking
vulnerable women, basically.
Vulnerable. So, uh...
if you are standing in the way
of her career progression,
or, uh, she is a child,
just vulnerable, any definition
of vulnerable, don't fuck those women.
Oh, I know you want to.
Do not.
"Uh... What about my babysitter?"
No, do not...
This seems like a simple thing,
but it became very clear to me
at Christmas time
when I took myself out on a date
to see the incredible musical Hamilton.
Have you seen it?
Oh, my goodness, it's so great.
If you can't see the musical, download
the soundtrack and listen to the songs.
It's such a beautiful story,
so beautifully told.
My daughter was with her father
and I went all by myself,
Christmas Eve to see Hamilton.
I had not listened to the soundtrack.
I didn't know what it was about.
And I went to a garbage school,
so I didn't know about American history.
If you don't know
who Alexander Hamilton is,
he's one of the founding fathers
of America.
He created the justice system.
He wrote a lot of the Constitution.
He was a senior officerand a general
in the American Revolutionary War.
He made some incredible
evil political inroads...
even though he was an orphan
and an immigrant.
And a lot of that was because
he chose a powerful wife.
His wife, Elizabeth Schuyler,
was from a high-status family,
and you needed that back then because
America was very classist and racist.
It... It's difficult
to imagine it that way now...
But transport yourselves back
to the 1700s...
and that's very much the way that it was.
And she was a great wife.
Not only was she high status,
from a powerful family,
she created the first orphanages
in America.
She had so many of Hamilton's kids
that they named two of them Philip.
That's a lot of kids.
She was the Jane of her time.
And then one day, she says, uh...
"Hamilton, I love you.
Let's take the children on holiday.
Come with us."
And he's like, "No, I'm too important."
And he sat alone in his house
for about five seconds,
and in walks a very vulnerable, very young
disheveled girl off the street,
and she's like...
I know that you are a man of honor
I'm so sorry to bother you at home
But I don't know where to go
And I came here all alone
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
She goes...
My husband's doin' me wrong
Beatin' me, cheatin' me
Mistreatin' me
Suddenly he's up and gone
I don't have the means to go on
By "means," he hears cock, somehow.
And this powerful politician
starts licking his lips, and he's like,
Lord, show me how to say no to this
I don't know how to say no to this
And I rose from my seat...
as though Hamilton
was a Choose Your Own Adventure.
And I shoutedat the actor
portraying Alexander Hamilton.
I said, "Say no to what?
She didn't ask you anything!"
No, I had absolutely no support.
They were a very quiet,
very shocked British audience.
He was very professional, he carried on.
Lord, show me how to say no to this
I don't know how to say no to this
I carried on. "You said no
to the British Empire though, didn't you?
That was easy, but when a child asks you
no questions, what are you gonna say?"
Lord, show me how to say no to this
I don't know how to say no to this
And then, he said the actual words.
But, by God, she looks so helpless
And her body's sayin' hell, yes
I was like, "Oh!"
Her body is not saying that to you
"Her body is saying,
'Hey, local representative,
I appear to have found myself
in a domestic abuse situation.
But I'm not currently allowed
to vote or work or eat.'
So why don't you put your fucking
dick away and help this lady?
Help this lady!"
Wrong, no.
That's not the reaction that the very
British audience had that Christmas Eve.
Not even when I tried
to get the chant going.
Oh, I tried to get a chant going.
Put your fuckin' dick away!
Put your fuckin' dick away!
Put your fuckin' dick away!
So when I say I've seen Hamilton...
I've seen half of Hamilton.
It's fair enough.It's fair enough.
Uh, I don't know what went wrong.
I mean, I do know what went wrong.
I'd been drinking day wine in the night.
That's what went wrong.
You don't drink day wine in the night.
It's for the day.
That's why they call it day wine.
It's like feeding a gremlin
after 12 o'clock.
Day wine is for lunch meetings
and taking the edge off the school run.
Drink it in the dark,
and you'll be fighting founding fathers.
But I went home, and I loved it so much,
I listened to the entire soundtrack,
and I found out that he got caught.
This woman's husband found out,
she extorted Hamilton.
They told all the other politicians.
He lost his wife, he lost his work.
He was on track to become the president,
but he didn't get to.
Of course not.
You can't fuck vulnerable women
and become the President
of the United States of America.
What a silly little goose.
He didn't get to be president. Um...
And I just feel...
You don't have to live your life like me.
It's just a different shape of a family
that I wish was not so stigmatized.
But, I mean, Melania Trump...
That is an innocent gold digger
caught up in a dangerous game.
That lifestyle is very dangerous.
She did not know
he was gonna be the president.
She thought he'd be a regularbusinessman
and they could be divorced by now.
She'd be fucking one of J.Lo's
backup dancers through season two
of her reality show,Melania Unchained.
You need agency in your life,
and a bank account.
Where did she go wrong?
Well, she went too young. Didn't she?
Way too young.
This lady knows.
You go old.
If he's still eating solid food,
he is too young, do you understand?
You want him one line of coke
and a vigorous hand job away
from you getting a summer house.
Oh. Oh, la la. Sacr bleu.
Perhaps Cline Dion
had the right idea all along.
Thank you so much for listening to me.
I'll see you soon.
Thank you.