Katt Williams: Priceless: Afterlife (2014) Movie Script

He's the undisputed king
of underground comedy.
You've seen him
in "Friday After Next,"
"The Pimp Chronicles
One and Two,"
"It's Pimpin' Pimpin',"
"American Hustle,"
"Katt Williams: Live,"
"Wild 'n Out," and more.
He shut down the Internet
He's knocked out everyone
from 108 to 308 pounds.
He's back
and better than ever.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready
to chuckle!
Presenting Katt Williams!
This shit
is legendary
Trip like Jason Terry
Pussy pink
as Katy Perry
This shit came
from nowhere
please don't go there
Pussy Michael Jordan
No hair,
bald, had no hair
Bandz a made her dance
20s will bring
her friends
a change of plans
Boy, I came here
off Gramps
For a dollar, you'll do
all this for a dollar?
Play, make you think
she a scholar
Accent like
she super proper
Lick the swimming pool
Make her say,
"Fuck all the rules"
Don't mind
if she get used
That poor nigga say,
"Fuck school"
So I made
this foreign type
Aw, yeah,
now I'm so in tight
I said she married
to the moola
Show some
motherfucking rocks
This shit legendary
Trip like Jason Terry
Pussy pink
as Katy Perry
This shit came
from nowhere
please don't go there
Pussy Michael Jordan
No hair,
bald, had no hair.
You go, Katt!
Is the IE in this bitch
this evening?
I had to get here,
'cause there's a lot
of shit going on,
not just in the world.
There's a lot of shit
going on with me.
I don't know
if you checked it out.
I was going through
some shit.
They arrested me five times
in five cities in five days.
What the fuck?
I am not the international man of mystery.
What the fuck?
They arrested me so much,
soon as I see the police,
my body just automatically
assumes the position.
See how I made
the hog-tie available?
'Cause they know
I like to fight.
It's fucked up.
I got arrested in a Target.
How the fuck
do you go to jail
in an electronics
A white man at the Target
caught me off guard.
He called me a pussy
and a nigger
and a pussy and a nigger
and a pussy and a nigger.
And I said, "I am not
fixing to be one of these."
Bam! "What the fuck
did I just do?
What the fuck?"
See, life has a way
of sometimes
sending you
subtle wake-up calls.
Anytime you are standing
next to Suge Knight
and you are the person
going to jail,
that is a wake-up call
for your ass.
I'm in the pictures
like this.
Get my shit together.
It's fucked up.
I said to myself
I don't know
what the fuck's going on.
We going to have to figure
this shit out.
Used to be
if I had some problems,
I could go to my therapist
at the weed place.
Yeah, Ontario's still
got weed places.
Couple over here.
Couple over here.
Couple over here.
I was in LA.
Ain't no weed places in LA.
They got a dispensary.
I don't know what the fuck
that shit means,
but I think it means
"big as fuck."
You are just in that
motherfucker, just...
Why do I have
a shopping cart?
I'm just saying you are
not supposed to have
500 different types
of deliciousness
in the same place
at the same time.
Got niggas overdosing
from smelling too much weed.
"Mmm, that is blueberry.
That's blueberry for real.
That is fresh as shit
right there.
That... white fire?
I ain't never even smelled
real fire before.
That is delicious.
Girl Scout cookies?
I love them.
Do you have Thin Mints?"
It's fucked up.
And I should have stayed
out there where it was safe
with the leafy products,
with the bud,
but they got a room
in the back.
That's right. They got
a "this shit right here, nigga,"
they got one of them rooms
in the back.
You got to be careful
in that motherfucker.
All they got back there
is concentrate,
spackle, sparkle,
wax, butter,
dabs, or whatever the fuck
you want to call it.
You be thinking to yourself,
"Much motherfucking weed
as I done smoked,
I ain't scared of shit.
I don't give a fuck
what type of
motherfucking weed it is."
That's what you be saying.
Then they come over
and put that little thing
on there and walk off,
and you be like, "That little
booger right there
can't hurt
Don't you believe it.
It's like hitting 300 blunts
at the same damn time
at the same damn time.
I fucked around
and got my high high.
Do you realize how difficult
that is to do?
You know when you done got
too motherfucking high.
You, "Uh-uh.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh. Fuck that, nigga.
I got too high. Uh-uh.
Fuck you. I saw where
the Illuminati live, nigga.
Get me the fuck up out
of here. Where's my car?"
Fucked up.
But no matter what the fuck
was going on with me,
I couldn't be depressed.
We Americans.
If you motherfucking
watch the news,
America don't give a fuck
about a tragedy.
We are the shit.
I'm not saying
we the greatest country
in the world...
Yes, we is!
...but we the greatest
country in the world,
and everybody knows it.
Not because we're better.
Not because of that.
Tragedy happens
to everybody.
But as Americans,
we don't give a fuck
about tragedy.
Our motherfucking motto
should be,
"Fuck outta here."
Soon as we get a tragedy,
we, "Fuck outta here.
That's our shit.
Fuck outta here.
So proud of America.
First time we saw it
was the Oklahoma City
I ain't never seen
no shit like that.
That changed
my motherfucking life.
I don't give a fuck
what's going on.
It's your house.
Nothing is worse
than getting to your house
and your house
is not there anymore.
Your GPS keeps saying,
"You are here."
"Bullshit. I left
a house in this bitch.
I remember that shit
That's some fucked-up shit.
How the fuck do that feel
for you to wake up
and your whole city be gone?
Like you done missed
the Rapture or some shit.
You just wake up to...
"Jesus, you couldn't
have woke a nigga up?"
It's fucked up.
'Cause black people know
we ain't ready for that shit.
We just figured out
what to do
in case of eviction.
We just figured out
if the police show up,
act like they
on your side, just,
"Thank God
you showed up, Officer.
Could you hold
that microwave?
Thank you so much.
Kids, get on out of here
and let this officer
help us."
It don't matter,
As America,
we too gangster.
We don't care.
America is
too motherfucking gangster.
And it don't take
a whole bunch of Americans
to represent America
It can be one white woman
in a field
by herself,
missing teeth...
and she can represent
America just fine.
They'll be
right in the field,
just, "Ma'am,
a tornado just came
and tore down
your whole city.
What are you going to do?"
"We going
to fucking rebuild.
I was goddamn born here.
I'm going
to goddamn die here."
Some American shit.
Why is America that strong?
'Cause of all of us
that's in the room tonight.
Not because white people
are better
or Hispanics are better,
because blacks are better.
No, nobody.
We all are the same.
That's what...
That's what
makes us different
is that we the same.
That's why we different.
It's the reason
why we the same.
It's 'cause we different.
For white people,
I don't know how to explain it to you,
but for niggas,
same difference.
Just saying
we all need each other.
Life is already
too fucked up as it is
for you to be
hating somebody
'cause of what the fuck
they look like.
You don't have to do that.
You... no, no.
You could hate somebody
'cause they ain't shit.
See how that's
not racist at all?
"Fuck you,
'cause you ain't shit."
That has no color
attached to it at all.
Reason I say that
is because if we really are
the greatest country
in the world,
then we need to decide
that we going
to get rid of racism
if possible in 2014
while we have
the opportunity.
Just saying we all
need each other.
The new racists don't
even hate on minorities.
They just hate
the ones they can beat.
That's why they ain't mad
at no big, swollen black
nigga with dreads and shit.
They ain't fucking
none of them up at all.
It's always some 17-year-old
light-skinned nigga
that look like he
just had a backpack on
and got a belly
full of Yoo-hoo,
and he end up dead.
I keep saying, praise Jesus,
let one of these racists
run up on me
at a gas station,
bless God,
and tell me
my music is too loud
and see if
I don't shut off music
for the both of us.
Fuck is you shooting
niggas for in the backseat?
They can't even
reach the radio.
Racists ain't shit.
We all need each other.
Fuck the dumb shit.
Everybody's life
is too hard.
Minorities, our life
is already fucked up.
Tell the fucking truth.
Not to say, white people,
y'all's ain't fucked up,
but y'all's fucked up
and our fucked up...
two separate cadences.
For white people,
this is fucked up.
Good, good, good, good,
good, good,
good, fucked up,
good, good, good,
good, good, good,
good, fucked up.
For a nigga, it's a whole
different cadence.
It's just...
Fucked up, fucked up,
fucked up, fucked up
Fucked up,
fucked up, fuck...
Have you double-Dutching
in your own shit.
We all need each other
is my point.
The racists
done got out of control.
These motherfuckers got time
to be mad
at breakfast commercials.
What the fuck?
When did a racist care
about a balanced breakfast?
These racists mad
at Cheerio commercials.
I was mad at
the Cheerio commercial too,
but I was mad for
a completely nonracist reason.
I was mad
that a white woman
and a black man
would get together
and feed
their baby Cheerios.
That don't have
no flavor at all.
You couldn't have gave
the little nigga
some Count Chocula
or Cocoa Puffs or something,
told her about her heritage,
for crying out loud?
Just saying the racists
is getting out of control.
These motherfuckers
got mad at me
'cause I wasn't
mad at Paula Deen.
What the fuck, motherfucker?
I can't be mad at everybody.
Have you not seen
my life, motherfucker?
Did you think I was
fixing to judge for...
I'm on my...
I'm on my fifth
second chance right now.
What did you...
what did you think
I was going to say?
First of all, I can't
even really be mad at her,
'cause I'm a fan.
I done seen
what this bitch can do
with 45 minutes
and 12 sticks of butter.
You ain't just
fixing to tell me
what the fuck she said.
I ain't saying
she didn't say it.
I'm saying I would like
to hear the context...
in which she said it.
It might have been
all right.
She might have said,
"Hurry up with them niggas' chicken."
"Don't make niggas wait
all day on pork chops."
Just saying we all need
to be able to laugh.
Fuck the dumb shit.
I got white heroes.
One of my motherfucking
white heroes
is that white lady that tried
to swim the English Channel.
That bitch is
my motherfucking hero.
This bitch
is trying to swim an ocean
by her motherfucking self.
One white woman
in the ocean
by her motherfucking self
with sharks and...
whatever the fuck
is in there,
dolphins and porpoises
and shit.
And that's not the part,
It ain't
that this white woman
is swimming this ocean
by herself.
It's not that.
She is swimming...
for free.
They not giving
this bitch shit!
She don't get a prize,
a Prius,
a ribbon, nothing.
She just in the middle
of the ocean
swimming her motherfucking
ass off, just...
Meanwhile, you can't
get a black woman
to get in the pool
at your pool party.
It's this bitch's pool
and her pool party.
She still ain't getting in.
This white woman got stung
176 times
by jellyfish.
What the...
when do you stop, ma'am?
When it hits your vagina?
Is that when you stop?
When that tags that
old clitoris, is that when...
"All right, bitch.
Get the boat.
Get the boat.
We only got one of those."
Just saying,
we all got to be able
to laugh.
It's very important.
your life is hard.
Sometimes, you need
to be able to just go home,
laugh about some shit
for 22 minutes,
and then get back
to your shit.
The best part
is it's free.
You just got
to do the shit.
All right,
start off, minorities,
by if you feeling fucked up,
find you a white show
to watch
with no niggas
on it at all.
I wouldn't tell you
this shit if it didn't work.
Two of my motherfucking
favorite motherfucking shows,
I'm embarrassed
to tell motherfuckers about.
I watch every episode,
but I don't be
out in the open.
I shut my curtains
and hide and shit,
like "12 Years a Slave,"
and don't want
no other niggas to see me.
But I watch every episode.
My favorite show
for two years
in a motherfucking row
is still motherfucking
"Swamp People."
That is my shit.
Oh, my God.
If you have not seen
this shit,
you have not lived yet.
It's some beautiful shit.
I think I just
like seeing minor...
in their natural environment,
not killing minorities.
I think that's what it is.
I love this shit.
I watch every episode,
but I don't know why,
because every episode
is exactly...
The same!
...like the last
goddamn episode.
They don't change shit.
Every episode
start with a man in a boat
going nowhere fast as shit.
He just...
And he's saying some shit
you can't
fucking understand.
And then you accidentally
understand some of the shit,
and it scares
the shit out of you.
He just...
"We got to go out there
and get him, boy.
We got to go
out there and get him, boy.
We don't go out there
and get him,
he ain't going
to get hisself."
"Nah, I guess he ain't
going to get hisself.
I guess that makes
perfectly good sense."
And these white men
get out there
in that swamp,
and they are catching
700-, 800-pound
And that's not the part,
They are catching
these alligators
with their hands!
That's right.
Look at the niggas.
Don't even believe me.
With their real hands.
Not a weapon.
Not a stick.
None of that.
Stick their real hands
in the water
to get the alligator.
Black people
is at the house, like,
"Don't stick your hand
in there!
There's an alligator
in that son of a bitch."
But when you see...
you see
that white man reach up
out that
motherfucking boat,
grab that motherfucking
alligator line,
the whole show, just...
"Shoot him, Billy Bob!
Shoot him!
Shoot him!
Shoot him, Billy Bob!
Shoot him! Shoot him!
Shoot him, Billy Bob!
Shoot him! Shoot him!
Shoot him, Billy Bob!
Shoot him!
Shoot him!
Shoot him, Billy Bob!
Shoot him! Shoot..."
Then the whole show
just flips.
Now they showing it
from underwater,
and it's muddy
and bubbling and shit,
like the alligator has
a camera on his head.
And he's in the show too.
And then they cut
to commercial.
Every time, I say,
"I will not be here
when you get back."
Just saying, we all need
to be able to laugh.
So for my white friends,
here's something black
you can laugh at.
I've done the research.
I'm pretty sure there's
no coonery in there anywhere.
I just know
every time I see the shit,
I fall on the ground
almost pee myself.
Okay, may be the funniest
shit I ever seen.
There is a commercial
starring a nigga
named Mutombo.
if you have not seen
this commercial,
you have not lived yet.
Let me say that.
Now, if you don't know
who Mutombo is,
he used to play basketball,
played for the NBA,
maybe, like, in 1979
or some shit like that,
but he was one
of the greatest,
known for blocking shots.
That was his shit.
Now they got this nigga
just randomly running
through white people's
just randomly
knocking shit out the air
for no reason at all.
Just, "No, no, no."
What the fuck is that shit?
"No, no, no."
Every time I see that shit,
I almost pee myself.
Many times I been arrested,
that might be the only thing
I haven't tried.
Stay tuned to TMZ.
If I get pulled over
one more motherfucking time,
that's how the fuck
I'm getting out of my car,
just, "No, no, no."
"We already did this shit."
Just saying, all got
to be able to laugh.
thought that because
I was raised homophobic,
that might have meant
I was homophobic.
Wait a minute,
Don't speak for me.
I could tell you
how the fuck I feel.
Just 'cause I got
an opinion don't mean shit.
At the end
of the motherfucking day,
I thought we
was talking about rights,
and I thought
they was human rights.
I think they human rights,
so if you a human,
you deserve
your motherfucking rights.
The reason for that is
I don't give a fuck
what you are doing
in your life,
'cause I'm too busy doing
what the fuck
I'm doing in my life.
End quote.
Yes, yes.
Now, now, people thought
that because
I might have an opinion,
that meant I was homophobic.
No, no, no, no.
Let me say...
let me say publicly...
let me say very publicly
if there was a dude
and I had some shit to say,
that's not because I was
homophobic, motherfucker.
I'm not homophobic.
I'm pro-pussy.
There is a difference.
I think you need
to understand, I...
I was trying to help.
I wasn't coming
from a place of hate.
I thought some of them
had made a mistake.
I'm saying,
if you try a vagina
and it leads you
to a life of asshole,
wait a minute.
If at first
you don't succeed, sir,
try, try again.
What the...
you must have got
the wrong vagina.
They are delicious.
You should try another one.
All of them are delicious,
I think.
But I realized...
I realized
it was a contradiction...
because if you ask me
about gay dudes,
I have some shit to say,
but if you ask me
about lesbians,
I don't have shit to say
about lesbians.
I've already had
this conversation with Jesus.
He know I love lesbians.
I don't even think lesbians
should pay taxes.
I really don't.
I think they are already
taking care of two vaginas.
Just saying.
We can't afford to be
judging all the time.
Our life is too
motherfucking hard as it is.
You got to be able to just
laugh some shit the fuck off.
I just don't like
when they try
to force shit
down our throats.
Had Jason Collins come out
as the first openly gay
basketball player.
That's fine and all,
but, nigga, you can't
suck at both things.
I said we didn't know
you was gay,
and we didn't know you was
a basketball player, nigga.
What the fuck?
This nigga averaged
0.3 points a game.
We do that shit
from the house.
How the fuck he going to be
the first openly gay
basketball player?
Am I the only
motherfucker in here
old enough to remember
Dennis Rodman?
What the fuck was that shit?
That was the first
gay basketball player.
Get the fuck out of here.
I watched that nigga
get 38 rebounds
in foundation, mascara,
eyeliner, eyelashes,
lip gloss, Chap Stick,
lipstick, rouge.
That nigga's the master
of the all-ass defense.
He just...
"You want this rebound,
you going to have
to touch my penis."
"No, no, no."
Sometimes you just got
to be able to laugh.
They had Michael Sam
come out.
He fixing to be
first gay NFL player.
And when that shit came out,
everybody had an opinion.
He was right here,
and everybody over there
had an opinion,
and everybody
over there had an opinion,
but nobody's opinion
was solid.
They go up to the player,
"Do you care
that your teammate is gay?"
"Hell, no. I don't care
what he chooses to do
with his own personal life.
As long as he comes in here
ready to win championships
and knows the playbook,
then we have a teammate."
"You mean, you don't mind
sharing a shower with him?"
"I can shower at the house.
It ain't that big a deal,
I'm saying.
I'm generally fresher
than a motherfucker anyway."
Just saying, can't make
judgment all the time.
Sometimes you got
to be able to laugh.
I don't have to be
motherfucking political.
I don't play football.
I'm a football fan.
I ain't in charge
of the NFL.
I love the NFL.
I love to see
football games.
And as a fan,
let me just say,
it's going to be
some exciting shit
when the first
gay motherfucker
walk on the field,
and all of y'all think
it's going to be regular.
No, the fuck it ain't.
No, it's going to be
some exciting shit.
You think you been
tackled before, nigga?
You think you been
sacked before, nigga?
I bet you ain't
never been sacked
till you get sacked
by a 6'8",
285-pound nigga
that was looking
at your ass anyway.
He's just on the line,
Blue 42!
That nigga's gonna sack you
with love in his heart.
"I'm down. I'm down.
I'm down."
We have
a big dick malfunction.
So anyway, I want to come
out and finish, but...
all of my nuts are out
of these pants right now.
Don't worry.
I ain't went nowhere.
I'm just noticing
my whole
testicles sac is...
I'm going to try to just do
the jokes from right here.
I couldn't see the screen
this whole time.
Ladies, where are y'all at?
Make some noise.
You motherfuckers
ain't shit.
Y'all ladies talking
about you love me,
and you didn't tell me
my motherfucking perm
had left the building
20 fucking minutes ago?
You didn't say shit?
I looked up there
and thought I saw
El DeBarge and Rick Fox
walking up
while I'm trying
to talk this shit.
I'll be right back.
Give me 30 seconds.
Sorry about that.
I tried to run back there
and change pants
and forgot
the lion was out there.
I ran right up
on that motherfucker.
Fuck them pants.
Fuck that. I can...
I was talking about we all
got to be able to laugh
at the end of the day,
and I talked about
the homosexuals and shit,
because it's
a big motherfucking deal,
and things ain't
like they used to be.
Used to be if we
had big questions,
there was places
we could go
and get our questions
But things
done changed now.
If you want to know
some answers,
you got to find 'em out
I don't know if y'all
been to church recently,
but church is not
answering any questions
about anything
at this particular time.
I ain't talking
about white church.
I ain't talking
about black church.
I'm talking about church.
Church, as official,
has said you can
feel free to come in
and praise and worship
all you like,
and by all means,
pay your
motherfucking tithes,
but if you have
any questions for Jesus,
you should ask him
in the parking lot
on the way to your house.
You going to have to figure
this shit out yourself.
White church,
we thought they was fixing
to answer some questions
about the Catholic scandal.
They ain't answered
no motherfucking questions
at all.
Kind of fucked up.
I was getting ready to say
something about 'em,
and then they switched
their shit up.
Have you seen the new Pope?
This motherfucker ain't
like the rest of the Popes.
This motherfucker
is special.
This motherfucker
is almost a nigga.
He say some shit
you ain't expecting
and then just
walk the fuck off.
They asked the new Pope.
They was like,
"New Pope...
...New Pope, what do you
think about homosexuals?"
New Pope said,
"Who am I to judge?"
Ah, that was
some gangster shit.
I'm glad to see a Pope
that don't look like
he ready to die.
Shit done changed.
They had a Pope that quit.
What the fuck?
How do you call in for work,
and you work for Jesus?
"Yeah, Jesus, I'm not
even going to be able
to make it today.
Nah, Jesus,
it's 10:15 traffic.
I was not expecting
this, Jesus."
Just saying,
got to be able to laugh.
I joke with the church,
but you got to believe
in something for real.
You got to find something
to believe in.
Let me just say that.
I can't tell you
what to believe.
I'll say I'm old-fashioned.
I'm a dinosaur.
I still believe
that there is a God
and that if you need Him,
you could call on Him,
and He will help you,
just like He be helping me
all the time.
That's just
my own personal opinion.
I think you should
believe in something.
These atheists have
gotten out of control.
These motherfuckers is
on some different shit.
Motherfucking atheists
sending me
death threats and shit.
Let me... listen here,
Mr. Motherfucker Atheist.
Ain't nobody goddamn scared
of you, motherfucker,
'cause you ain't
got no backup.
Who the fuck is
you going to tell?
If you kill me,
I'm going right to Jesus
and snitching on you,
Jesus, You ain't going to believe
what they doing down there!
You an atheist.
Who the fuck you going to tell?
You don't believe that shit.
Motherfucking atheists
done got out of hand.
Now they want to tell us
what the fuck we believe.
I mean, "You believe in God,
so that mean you don't
believe in science."
What the fuck
is you talking about?
I prayed to God
before every science test.
I don't know what the fuck
you talking about.
Jesus was in my class,
you son of a...
Atheists going to tell me,
"Well, you believe in God,
so that mean you don't
believe in evolution."
What the fuck
is you talking about?
I thought evolution meant
something started off
like this
and then later changed
into something else.
I think God
made the animals
and then watched
them bitches evolve
like the rest of us.
What the fuck?
Atheists fucked up.
Atheists hear
my whole story,
hear what I believe.
Then he going
to tell me, "No.
That don't make
no fucking sense at all."
Okay, well,
tell me your shit.
His shit is that
two motherfucking atoms
just came
the fuck together...
just came together
out of nowhere,
banged together, and made
this whole perfect Earth.
Fuck outta here.
You stupid enough to believe
that fuck-boy shit,
after this show,
go outside to the parking lot
and bang on your car
till it becomes
a better car.
You just out there, just...
"Still a Corolla.
Still a Corolla.
What the..."
Fucking atheists.
His shit don't make
no motherfucking sense neither.
They always want
to prove evolution
and show you an animal
that fit all the criteria.
Want to show me
motherfucking scorpion.
look at this scorpion.
You see
his motherfucking skin?
You see how tough
his skin is?
That's so you
can't fuck with it.
Then he got
these motherfucking pincers
so you can't fuck with it.
Then he got
this motherfucking venom
for you can't fuck with it."
Well, get the fuck
over here, motherfucker,
and look
at this goddamn pig,
and tell me why is
this motherfucker
delicious from the rooter
to the tooter...
with no defenses at all.
This motherfucker
is delicious everywhere.
Look at his sides.
That's bacon.
Who would put bacon
on the side?
Jesus cares
about your breakfast.
He does. He always...
Atheists want you to believe
two motherfucking atoms
banged together
made this whole Earth.
That shit mean they should be
able to get on the Space Shuttle,
fly around,
and find a place
where them same two atoms
had banged together before
and made
some other perfect shit.
That's not what they see.
Every planet they see
is more fucked up than
the last planet. Just...
Fucked up, fucked up,
fucked up, fucked up
Fucked up, fucked up,
fucked up, fucked up.
How you know
it's fucked up?
Ain't nobody on it.
That's why we got
to watch everything.
You can't believe shit.
I'm saying... I ain't saying
you can't trust nobody.
I'm just saying
can't nobody be trusted.
These motherfuckers
have already told us
the NSA can hear
every conversation we make
and see every text
that we send.
So you explain to me
how the fuck
a whole airplane
could go missing
in this bitch
with 271 motherfuckers
on it,
and everybody trying to act
like ain't shit happened.
Aren't we
in the same country
where two airplanes ran into
our goddamn buildings,
and we don't know
where they are, right?
We can all see this shit.
The police
is on some different shit.
I know you noticed it here.
I want you to know
it's like that everywhere.
The police is
on some different shit.
Now, I know
it's some cops in here.
We do not mean y'all.
Y'all are doing
a great job.
We appreciate it.
Just doing your job,
keeping us safe out there,
and thank you so much.
It's the ones outside
we talking about.
They on some different shit.
The police used to be
serve and protect.
Used to be you are
presumed innocent
until you are proven guilty.
Police is
on some different shit.
They done figured out
they can kill your ass today
and come up with a story
for the news tomorrow.
They done figured
that shit out,
and they done got so good,
they can show us the truth,
and we can see the truth
with our own eyes,
and then they can lie to us
at the same time
and confuse us
about the truth
we just saw
with our own eyes.
Okay, the first time
we all saw it
was at the Boston Marathon
Everybody was
looking for the fake-ass,
bullshit-ass terrorists.
He had
a four-day head start.
He could have been anywhere.
But we knew
he was in the boat
'cause they told us
he was in the boat
from a helicopter.
"That's him in the boat
right there.
That's him in the boat."
Drew a picture around him.
"That's him laying down
at the bottom of the boat.
Then they said,
"The police are here.
We going to back up,
let the police go in
and begin negotiations."
And all we heard was...
Then they cut to commercial.
By the time they came back,
that motherfucker had
20 holes in his chest,
a tunnel in his throat.
The next day, they say,
"He was in a gunfight...
...but he didn't
have a gun."
Ask a nigga,
that is not a gunfight.
That's a drive-by
right there. That's...
that's an execution
you got caught in.
Second time we saw it...
second time we saw it
was in LA
when they was looking
for the ex-black cop,
Christopher Dorner.
That was some scary shit.
They wanted that nigga bad.
Let me just tell you
I was in LA at the time,
and let me just say you
do not want to be a nigga
when they are looking
for niggas.
That was some scary shit.
I didn't realize how much of
my time I spent being black
till I had to try
to drive white for two days.
I'm all up
on the steering wheel.
Them motherfuckers
wanted that nigga bad.
They shot up
two Hispanic women
in a pickup truck
delivering newspapers
at 4:30 in the morning
looking for a nigga.
Wait a minute.
That is too early
and too late for niggas.
We not fixing to be nowhere
at 4:30 in the morning,
not even
if we supposed to be.
But we knew
he was in the cabin
'cause they told us
he was in the cabin.
"He's in the cabin.
The police have him
completely surrounded.
There's nowhere
for him to go.
We're going to back up,
let the police go in
and begin negotiations."
And all we saw was,
"Get that motherfucker!"
Then they said, "It looks
like he committed suicide."
They just barbecued
this nigga on national TV.
I know the police
is on some different shit.
You don't have to tell me.
I found out the hard way.
They did some shit to me
I didn't even know
they was allowed to do.
I knew they could take
a nigga to jail.
I thought that was it.
These motherfuckers put me
in a real mental institution
with real crazy people.
What the fuck?!
I might have thought
I was crazy
till you put me in here with
the real crazy motherfuckers.
Now I know I'm sane as shit.
You ain't lived till you
try to break up a fight
with a motherfucker
and hisself.
"Fuck you, nigga.
Fuck you."
"One of y'all is right.
That's all
I'm trying to say.
I ain't trying to be
in your business or nothing."
It's fucked up.
Here the fuck I tell jokes
for a living.
These motherfuckers
got me handcuffed
to a nigga who's scraping
demons out his face.
I'm over there like,
"Jesus, this is
your humble servant, Lord.
There's clearly been
a miscommunication, Jesus.
Just saying this burden
is a little bit too heavy
for your servant, Lord.
If you could just remove
this boulder
off a nigga's back, Jesus,
I'd really appreciate it,
I'm just...
I'm just saying, Jesus,
my cup runneth over, Lord,
is what I'm saying,
and, thing is,
I ain't even thirsty, Jesus,
not a little bit.
You can take this whole cup,
the pitcher, the carafe,
all of it, Jesus."
Fucked up.
You in that motherfucker,
and all you thinking is,
"I can't wait to get
the fuck out of here,
and there ain't shit
going to make me stay
in this son of a bitch."
But they got some medication
in the crazy house
that will put an elephant
on his back.
And I don't know if you
can see from your chair,
but I'm not even
a baby elephant,
and they still gave me
the whole elephant's pill.
I have a trunk,
but I am no elephant.
They had me
on five, six medications
at one motherfucking time,
just trying
to break a nigga.
They had me on some shit
named Seroquel.
I don't know what the fuck
is in Seroquel,
but I think Satan's penis
is in it, I really do,
because it's from Hell.
That shit...
if you whisper
"Seroquel" to me,
I become a different nigga.
Just... Seroquel.
I'm just trying to find
my happy place.
I love these soft-ass pants.
It's fucked up.
I got out that motherfucker.
I said I'm going to fix
every motherfucking thing
that's wrong with me.
I'm going to fucking
get all my shit together.
That's when I realized
you can't even trust
simple shit.
We used to think our doctor
gave a fuck about us.
We used to think our doctor
wanted us to get better
so we would be better.
Our doctor don't
give a fuck about us.
That motherfucker
is making money,
and that is it.
He is a drug dealer
just like the drug dealers.
Ain't no motherfucking
It's fucked up.
It's fucked up.
the medicine commercials
have really
gone over the top.
They don't even
give a fuck about us
as people
Do you remember
when they used to at least
have the common decency
to whisper the side effect
at the end of the...
you could barely hear
the fucked-up shit
that could
possibly happen to you.
They just,
"Possible side effects are...
Now these motherfuckers
say the motherfucking
side effect
so motherfucking
loud and proud,
you forget what the fuck
they were supposed to be curing
in the first place.
And they just keep
going and going, just...
"Are you tired of hangnails
ruining your life?
Well, just take
this simple pill,
and in two weeks,
you'll be jumping rope
and running back to usual.
Possible side effects are
loss of the rest
of your toes,
fucked-up ankles,
dislocated kneecaps,
separation of thigh meat,
hip dysplasia,
innie-outie belly button,
female breasts.
If you have
two Adam's apples,
if your chin falls off,
if you go blind or deaf
for any reason..."
What the fuck?!
Just cut
my goddamn toe off, bitch.
I got shit to do.
Just saying you got to try
whatever you can.
If you in a relationship,
you can't afford to take
that shit for granted,
'cause you don't know when
bullshit going to happen,
and you need somebody
that you can post the fuck
up with in times of trouble.
I didn't know you could
stay single too long.
Nobody fucking told me that.
I fucked around,
stayed single so long,
now I'm in the gray area.
I'm in the gray area.
I didn't even know
there was a gray area.
I stayed single too long.
Everybody I fuck,
she's either too young
or she's
too motherfucking old.
If she's too young,
she's a greedy rabbit.
If she's too old,
she's a needy fish.
Both of 'em
got different shit.
If she too young,
you know she too young.
How do you know?
She is doing
everything she ever saw
on any porno
on your nonporno dick.
Shit that has nothing
to do with sex at all.
She just...
Fellas, have you
ever been fucking her,
and she too young, and you
realize halfway through
this is not a fuck,
this is a fight?
She don't give a fuck
about your pelvis at all.
Fellas, you ever had her
knock you off
your pivot foot?
She just...
A greedy rabbit.
Both of 'em talk too much.
But at least
the greedy rabbit
is saying inspirational,
motivational shit
to the dick.
She just,
"Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes,
that's good.
All right. That's good.
Yes, yes, yes, yes."
The old one
talk too much too...
but you can't
understand shit she saying.
When you do,
it's going to scare
the shit out of you.
She just, "Raah.
Eh, glory.
Ah, Jes... hah.
Ah, hot water, corn bread.
She's too old.
She's a needy fish.
Got to pay attention to her.
They ain't like a young one.
As a fella,
you just used to showing up
at the battlefield...
unsheathing your sword,
and jumping
right into the battle.
Not if she too old.
No, you got to watch her.
You used to being able
to just watch her face
and know how you doing.
Not if she too old,
'cause you don't know
none of her faces.
She fixing to come
and die with the same face.
How the fuck
am I supposed to know?
She just...
Just saying,
they're both different.
I stayed single
too motherfucking long,
and the world
is beginning to change.
And I been hearing ladies
think motherfuckers
have changed
as it comes to them.
Ladies, I can't speak
for all men
in attendance today,
but I can speak
for all heterosexual men
in attendance today,
and, ladies, let me say
nothing between men
and women has changed at all.
We love y'all now
the same way we
have always loved y'all.
We put pussy
above everything on Earth,
same as usual.
Pussy, then the rest of it,
that's how it goes.
Pussy's so good,
we don't even have
good reasons for it.
Pussy is delicious...
because it
has pussy in it.
That's been good enough for
men for thousands of years.
And as men,
we hate to see
pussy get attacked.
We all as men
where we were last year
when we saw pussy get
attacked for the first time,
when Michael Douglas
got on TV
and said
he caught throat cancer
from eating pussy.
Every man in the world
stopped in front
of his TV, like,
"What the fuck,
Michael Douglas?!
Don't throw pussy
under the bus,
you son of a bitch.
Say you were smoking
Cuban cigars
and sucking dick,
you motherfucker."
Life is already
too hard as it is.
You can't die
from eating pussy.
That's in Revelations.
You already embarrassed
to eat the box
for the first time
as it is.
Now this bitch done
got a hair in my throat.
I thought she was trying
to assassinate me. I...
Ah, you dirty bitch. Agh.
Agh, I can't believe
you brought that smoky-ass
uterus over here, bitch.
Ah, I feel a tumor in my throat
already, bitch. Agh."
In conclusion...
when we leave
this building,
the police
is going to be out there.
The people that...
the people that hate you
not because
you better than them,
but because
you try harder than them
and you work harder
than them,
and you care
more than they do...
...those people
are outside, and...
and the people that say
even if you doing good,
you is fixing to fuck up,
them people are outside.
And the people that see
you fucked up and go,
"I bet you don't come back,"
they outside too.
But what's in here
is people that know
no matter how shit looks,
the real shit is
going to be the real shit
as long as real shit
is valuable.
Because everybody
in the world
has a price,
because if you didn't,
you'd be priceless.
This is to the motherfuckers
who cannot be bought,
but can be fought.
Y'all been all that.
I'm Katt Williams.
Thank you ever so much.
Please give it up for our director,
our announcers.
Please give it up for...
I see you.
Please give it up
for yourself
for believing in me.
God bless you,
and good night.
This is how we do it.
Let's do it
All out like Janet
at the Super Bowl
Falling on these hos
like I'm getting rolled
You niggas burn me all day
in my street clothes
Pull up, and I'm flexing
with your new ho
Yep, man,
that's just how I do it
20 deep in the club like
it ain't nothing to it
Money is the language
and, yeah, I'm flowing
Like a high-top fade
with my last name Ewing
You ain't heard,
you ain't heard
I'm the man round here,
money, hos, and clothes
That's the play around here
Couple freaks in the club,
girl, do your thing
Back it up on the young,
shit, that's what I gave
Hey, I got a swag
ladies kill for
Whip outside, and it's
sitting on the low post
The homeys turnt up,
probably got the four-four
So chill, brah, we don't
want to have to let it go
Boo-yah, go like
Slick Rick the Ruler
Ass so phat,
I need a ruler
We be going all out,
everybody know us
Every time I show up,
better that we go up
Bitch, I speed
in a whip like trotter
I ain't worried
about a header
I just count gwap
Turn up
all these hos in here
Going strong in the VIP,
let 'em know we here
- We going all out
- All out, all out
Yeah, we ball out,
ball out, ball out
Going all out,
all out, all out
Going strong in the VIP,
let 'em know we here
Hey, all out
like Girls Gone Wild
Ball so hard,
hating niggas want to foul
Like, swish, we be
doing hard in the field
Got a couple hos
here to wheel
Pushing at the 110, whatty
Banging that even 40
24s on the thing,
I call that shit Cubby
Got gold in my Rolly,
money make you wanna know me
I'm copping everything
like Axel Foley
G-G-Got the club
all turnt up
Turnt up...