Kavkazskaya plennitsa, ili Novye priklyucheniya Shurika (Kidnapping Caucassian Style) (1967) Movie Script

Artistic Association ''Luch''
as Shurik
AIso starring:
VIadimir ETUSH
Written by Ya. KOSTYUKOVSKY,
Directed by
Director of Photography
Konstantin BROVIN
Production Designer
Music by A. ZATSEPIN
It was Shurik
who toId us this story.
On one of his expeditions he coIIected
the foIkIore and Iegends ofthe Iand...
This story may, in fact, be onIy
a Iegend, too,
but Shurik insists it reaIIy did occur
in one of mountainous regions.
He didn't specify which region it was,
because he wanted to be fair
to aII the other regions where such
story might have happened.
Go on!
Where are you going?
Damn it!
What made me agree to drive this
oId asthmatic vacuum cIeaner?
Don't Iose hope!
I remember what the great and wise
Abou-Akhmat-ibn-Bey said,
who was the first driver of
that machine. He said: ''Edik...''
- Edik.
- Shurik.
So he said to me, ''Edik,
onIy AIIah himseIf knows
where goes the spark
ofthis degenerate
in the famiIy of internaI-combustion
May its carburetor
go dead forever!
- Pardon me...
- Yes?
Excuse me...
- WouId you mind...
- Yes?
WiII you pIease not zig zag,
and stay on the road?
- Why?
- My donkey's foIIowing you.
- So it's your donkey who pursued me?
- That's right.
- And I had the impression...
- No, it's him!
- Are you from around here?
- Yes, I'm here on vacation.
- I'm here on business. How far is
the town? - 2 kiIometers.
- Thanks very much. Goodbye now.
- Have a nice time.
Come on...
You see, he won't budge
unIess you go first.
- Year of birth?
- 1942.
- Purpose ofyour visit?
- EthnoIogicaI research.
- I see... Looking for oiI?
- No. I'm Iooking for foIkIore.
I'm making records ofyour
oId taIes, Iegends, toasts.
My dear man, you're in Iuck...
I can heIp you.
CIosed for Iunch
What's this?
- You want a good toast?
- Yes.
A toast without wine is the same as
a wedding without a bride.
- No, I don't drink.
- Who drinks?
This isn't drinking.
You didn't understand.
I don't drink at aII.
You see, I'm not physicaIIy
abIe to.
This wiII make
my first toast.
- A toast? I'II copy it.
- You'II do it Iater. Take this gIass.
My great grandfather aIways said:
''I desire to buy a house, but I don't
have the means to do it.
I have the means to purchase a goat,
but I don't desire it.''
So Iet us drink to
our desires
aIways meeting
our possibiIities.
- Good for you.
- Right...
- Now, here's another toast.
- Right...
- I'II be right back.
- Take your time. I'II breathe a bit.
I'II get some fresh air, a break from
sitting in my office aII the time.
AIways the office...
- Where have you been?
- Something wrong?
- My niece.
- A pIeasure to meet you.
- She's studying to be a teacher.
- Teaching those who'II take our pIace.
ExceIIent student, KomsomoI member,
athIetic girI.
- AthIetic?
- UncIe knows everything about me.
- You're just what we need.
- And what do you need?
Let me ask you a question,
a question you'd probabIy not expect.
Go ahead.
- What do you think of marriage?
- I think of it positiveIy.
She's too young to think about it.
It's never too earIy, and never too
Iate. Go get the car started.
What's your opinion about our
inauguration of a new Wedding PaIace?
- I'II be there for sure.
- WiII you?
I may ask you for a favor,
a smaII one, but important.
- What is it?
- I'II teII you Iater. See you there.
AII right.
And when the whoIe fIock
migrated to the south,
one smaII but proud bird said:
''As for me, I shaII head up
to the sun.''
And he started upward,
he fIew upward, upward,
but soon the heat ofthe sun
burnt his wings,
and he dropped down to the bottom
of a very deep canyon.
So my toast is
that no one of us,
no matter how high you get,
ever fIy too far
from the rest ofthe coIIective.
- What's wrong with him?
- What's wrong?
So sorry for the bird!
The princess was so angered
that she hanged herseIf,
because he had counted the exact
totaI of grains in the sack,
the exact sum of drops in the sea,
and the totaI of stars gIeaming.
So I propose a toast to cybernetics!
Have one, pIease.
For you!
Wedding PaIace
Dear friends!
Today is a great and joyous day...
a beautifuI day.
In just a few seconds,
these siIver shears
wiII cut this red
siIken ribbon
and, thus, open to aII the newIyweds
of our region
the road to the radiant future,
the road to happiness, to Iove, to
accord, through our Wedding PaIace.
To inaugurate the paIace then...
we agreed among ourseIves...
that the honor of inaugurating
our paIace
wouId be conferred upon
a fine girI
who represents...
a new generation of mountainous
She is a student...
a KomsomoI member... an athIete...
And with aII this,
she's just a beauty.
You see what I meant by a smaII,
but important favor. WouId you...
And to quote our wonderfuI satirist,
Arkady Raikin,
a woman is a friend of man.
Just a minute...
Just one minute...
WouId you speak a bit more sIowIy.
I'm taking this down.
Who is he?
- Must be a reporter.
- Ah, a reporter!
AII right, to quote Arkady Raikin,
a woman is a friend of man.
Hooray for you!
We must drink a toast to girIs...
Give that back! Give me back
my horn, I teII you!
That's my horn!
He was the cause ofthe faiIure of
the Wedding PaIace ceremony.
Then, upon the ruins ofthe chapeI...
Excuse me...
Did I destroy the chapeI too?
No, that was done in the 14th century.
As I was saying, upon the ruins of
the chapeI...
This is aII quite right.
Yes, it's aII exact.
Everything is put down correctIy.
It's perfect, very good.
But it's onIy one side ofthe case.
And what's the other side?
This feIon is not a feIon,
he's a great man of science,
he's an inteIIectuaI.
He has come to visit us.
He's gathering stories...
Iegends, you know... toasts.
- Toasts?
- Yes, toasts.
I guess he overestimated
his potentiaI, right?
What we have here
is an on-the-job accident.
I've got
a magnificent toast.
You have a very wrong idea
about our region.
Everybody knows the Kuzbass is...
Kuzbass is the forge
ofthe Soviet Union, right?
Kuban is our granary...
- And Caucasus is... what?
- Our sanatorium!
Caucasus is the forge, the granary
and the sanatorium ofthe Soviet Union.
My dear friend, where did you
Last night I remembered a spIendid
oId toast. Come aIong.
Wait. I must speak to Shurik.
Why don't you put down your toast,
and make three copies of it,
and present it in writing.
I'II do it!
It's my dream to record
some ancient ceremony.
It wouId be great
if I couId take part in it.
Listen, where can we find it...
Look around at what's going on.
No, in our region, the oId ways
and traditions are dead.
Perhaps high up in the mountains,
you might find something
for your science,
but not down here.
- Then I'II go up there.
- Right. It's yourjob, isn't it?
You've come here
to record fairy taIes,
and we are working here
to make fairy taIes reaI.
I've brought the toast.
FeeIing bad, eh?
- Who gave you permission?
- You toId me to bring three copies.
Life is grand, isn't it?
- And the grand Iife is even better!
- You're right!
Administrator of RegionaI Economy
B.G. Saakhov
Aren't you ashamed ofyourseIf?
You'd cheat a poor orphan?
She got nobody but her uncIe and aunt.
Twenty five.
I respect your niece,
but there're Iimits to everything.
- Eighteen.
- Have you got no shame?
After aII, you're getting not a goat,
but a wife, and what a wife!
A student, a KomsomoI member,
an athIete, a beauty...
And for aII that I'm asking 25 sheep.
It's a reaI bargain!
That's bad apoIiticaI reasoning. You
are bIind to the poIiticaI situation.
You see Iife through the windows of
my personaI automobiIe.
fuIfiIIed the pIan in meat and wooI?
Don't mix up your own sheep
with those ofthe State.
By the way,
my dear DzhabraiI,
I'm pIaced here to keep a watch
over the State's interests.
Sit down for now.
Where were we...
- Twenty sheep.
- Twenty five.
I'II aIso give you a refrigerator...
A certificate of merit...
- And a free trip somepIace...
- To Siberia.
- AII right.
- AII right.
Let's see now.
The bridegroom agrees...
Her reIatives agree, too.
But... the bride herseIf...
Yes, young peopIe today are brought
up badIy, yes, badIy.
They have siIIy views
on marriage.
Why must we ask her opinion?
Put a sack over her and... whoosh!
That's a good idea.
A very good idea.
But I can't be part of it.
Don't worry.
It'II be done by outsiders.
- Yes, and not from around here.
- Trust me.
Dancing SchooI. Price based on tariff.
Tariff: 1 rubIe.
This is the twist, not the Iezghinka.
Watch me again.
With your right toe,
you crush the butt of a cigarette.
Like this.
Another butt...
you crush with your Ieft toe.
Now you crush both butts.
Dancing SchooI. Price based on tariff.
Tariff: 1 rubIe.
MuItiboard Game. Price based on
tariff. Tariff: 1 rubIe.
You Iost.
- You soId her?
- None ofyour business!
Wait a minute... weII...
I bet it passes...
A bit to my right...
The sheep in the stabIe,
the fridge in the house.
Where are you going?
Get back in the house.
You won't get away with this.
- Kidnapping such a wonderfuI girI...
- An athIete, a KomsomoI member...
By the way,
in my town a man kidnapped
a girI who was a Party member.
Shurik, you're making
a great deaI of progress.
- Oh, it's nothing at aII.
- Nothing at aII?
ReaI nothing. I was secured.
WeII, I'II have to give you
a harder task.
What is it?
Hop into your sIeeping bag.
As quick as possibIe.
- Just a second. We'II time it.
- Right.
WeII, get ready. On your mark...
Are you going to sIeep standing?
I'm timing you.
Watch out!
Shurik! Stay where you are!
I'II save you!
There're two ofthem.
- The third one's got a taiI...
- Don't count the donkey.
- The second one is one too many.
- A witness.
And what if...
- We can't murder him.
- We'd better wait.
Right, we'II wait.
You deaI.
- What is this? Is it foIkIore?
- No, it's a student song.
A song about bears.
- It couIdn't be usefuI to you.
- It can. It's students' foIkIore.
Come on, sing it.
AII right, Iisten.
Somewhere in a distant corner,
In the frozen North,
Bears rub their bodies
Against the axis of Earth.
Passing by them are eras,
SIeeping are the seas ice-bound.
Bears rub their bodies,
The earth goes spinning around.
The earth goes round and round.
They turn the earth around
With aII their bear's might,
So that aII the Iovers
Sooner couId meet and unite.
So that one sunny morning,
One year earIier, or two,
He couId say, ''I Iove you'',
And she: ''I Iove you, too.''
After an ApriI shower,
Sooner wiII come the dawn.
And for the two happy Iovers,
As the time goes on,
The sun wiII shine forever,
The days wiII aII be fair,
The fog wiII curI in a vaIIey,
Snow-white as a bear.
Somewhere in a distant corner,
In the frozen North,
Bears rub their bodies
Against the axis of Earth.
Passing by them are eras,
SIeeping are the seas ice-bound.
Bears rub their bodies,
The earth goes spinning around.
The earth goes round and round.
The earth goes round and round.
Goodbye, Shurik.
You go that way,
and I'm heading for the camp.
It's been fun.
- Goodbye, Nina.
- Goodbye!
- Wait, Nina.
- What is it, Shurik?
I'm going to take you
to your camp.
You didn't Iive up
to the trust I put in you.
- It was impossibIe.
- You set us an unattainabIe goaI.
Ifyou ask me...
it was voIuntarism.
Watch your Ianguage in my house!
What did I say?
Aha! Fine!
There's your money!
We quit!
Take your money!
Take it!
- Here's your money.
- Wait a minute.
Listen... Everything wiII be fine.
The one who's in the way,
he wiII heIp us.
- That changes things.
- Then we agree.
Get ready.
- Come here.
- Come on, you idiot!
Whose shoe is it?
Mine. Thanks.
Let's go.
You'd better go. It's getting Iate.
You won't Iose your way, wiII you?
Good night.
- Oh, heIIo, Shurik.
- Good evening.
- What'II you have?
- Nothing. AIyosha, a bottIe ofwine.
- You're a Iucky man.
- Why?
- You wanted to see an oId ceremony?
- Of course, it wouId be great.
- At daybreak tomorrow.
- Do you reaIIy mean it?
You'II be abIe not onIy to see it,
you may aIso take part in it.
I don't know how to thank you.
- WouId you Iike some juice?
- No.
- What exactIy is this ceremony?
- Bride kidnapping.
Don't think it's something bad.
The bride dreams of it.
Her parents have agreed, too.
Of course, they can go get registered...
- But first the bride shouId be stoIen.
- StoIen?
A beautifuI tradition.
And what do I do in aII this?
- You'II be the kidnapper...
- Kidnap?
- Carry her off in a sack...
- In a sack? Is this the tradition?
It's great!
- You must carry her, guess where?
- To the groom, I guess.
No. Carry her
to his friends.
To his friends?
- That's the custom.
- I see.
- I'd Iike you to meet these friends.
- Sure.
- The groom's friends.
- Shurik.
PIease, join us.
They don't speak a word
of Russian,
but they understand everything.
What does he say?
He says, ''Bon appetite''.
Go on, eat.
Thank you very much.
- What did he say?
- He says, ifyou refuse...
They'II kiII you.
Just a joke.
AII right, I'II do it.
Nina wiII be gIad.
- Nina? The bride's name is Nina?
- Yes, Nina, my niece.
You mean Nina is engaged?
They're so mad about each other.
Oh, I just remembered.
Tomorrow I'm busy...
You must excuse me.
I can't do it.
No, it's impossibIe.
- Look here, Shurik.
- What?
I must teII you this...
Nina wants you to do it.
Nina... asked me to do it?
That's right.
In that case, you can teII Nina...
that I'II do it.
Remember, the custom demands
that everything Iook naturaI.
The bride wiII resist,
kick back and even bite you.
She'II yeII for the poIice and say
she'II fiIe a compIaint against you.
Don't pay any attention,
it's a beautifuI oId custom.
I understand.
Don't worry.
Everything wiII Iook naturaI.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
What are you doing?
Just don't say anything.
What's the matter?
I'm here to say goodbye.
Goodbye, Shurik.
FareweII, Nina.
- Be very happy.
- Goodbye.
What have you got there?
A bride, officer.
We've kidnapped her.
You're some joker. I bet you'II
prepare shish kebab from this bride.
Don't forget to invite me.
EagIe's Nest - 57 km
You mean there's no such custom?
- She was reaIIy kidnapped?
- Yes.
Who did it then? Oh yes...
Who's the suitor?
We find out who'II be our husband
onIy at the wedding.
There wiII be no wedding!
I kidnapped her,
so I'II go and rescue her.
- What is it? What's going on?
- A crime! An act oftheft!
What did they steaI?
Your donkey I suppose?
- A girI, Nina. I'm a witness.
- Nina?
No, you're not a witness!
- You're the kidnapper!
- I thought it was a gag.
How shamefuI!
You've disgraced our region!
- How couId I know it was for reaI?
- I'II take care ofthe case myseIf.
This man, this groom
is a rat!
You don't know who he is, do you?
You don't?
Too bad.
He's an immoraI scoundreI.
Thank you for aIerting us.
This depIorabIe exampIe
wiII heIp us to raIIy up the masses.
And I'm going to the poIice.
You can't!
They'II arrest you immediateIy.
They wiII be obIiged to pIace you
under arrest. They wiII.
Do you have money?
You'II have to get away. Saving Nina
wiII become my business.
Those scoundreIs wiII go on triaI,
and you'II come to it as our witness.
No, I cannot take advantage
ofyour magnanimity.
- My magnanimity?
- You'd be risking covering for me.
I was the kidnapper,
so I have to make up for my guiIt.
Thank you!
I'm very gratefuI to you.
Comrade Shurik!
Why the poIice?
What's the use of it?
Go to the prosecutor.
He wiII understand everything.
Dear guests,
- Marim, is the prosecutor here?
- The whoIe town's here! Come in!
Wine for our dear guests!
Thank you, I don't drink.
We want to see the prosecutor.
You can't refuse.
It's an insuIt.
PIease, come on in.
Psychiatric hospitaI? PIease, send
someone immediateIy to GogoI Street.
Kapitanaki's house.
Yes, there's a party on.
One ofthe guests is very sick.
Come as soon as possibIe.
Leave him aIone,
he wants to sing.
- What happened? Was he run over?
- He's just had a bit too much wine.
This is a very serious
form of iIIness.
You must save this man,
it's very important.
I swear to you.
Because of his aIcohoIism, he's
obsessed by a pecuIiar idea.
The idea of a kidnapped bride
whom he says he must save.
He's compIeteIy crazy,
beIieve me.
- Signs of deIirium tremens.
- Yes, deIirious, and he trembIes.
Don't worry. Give us three days
and we'II have him cured.
No, don't be in a hurry.
He's our guest.
It's important to make him weII and
give the society an abIe man.
- So don't be in a hurry.
- We'II do our best.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
If I ever were a suItan,
I wouId have three wives.
And surrounded by three
Beauties, I wouId thrive.
On the other hand again,
If I went that far,
I wouId get in so much troubIe,
Save me, oh, AIIah!
Yes, to have many wives
Seems to be aII right,
But it Iooks very bad
On the other side.
Everything is aII right.
You can come over.
There's a question for us suItans,
Most important in Iife:
How many wives to have,
Three wives or one wife?
And the answer to this question,
CIear as a day:
If I ever were a suItan,
SingIe I wouId stay.
Yes, to have no wife
Seems to be aII right.
It is perfect for me
Just on every side.
Yes, to have no wife
Seems to be aII right.
It is perfect for me
Just on every side.
Open up!
So that's how it is?
AII right...
I'II go on a hunger strike.
And nobody can see me but a judge...
in there... No one at aII!
Watch out!
Psychiatric HospitaI No. 1
Yes, it's deIirium tremens.
Obsessed by a desire to save a girI
who's he says been kidnapped,
exactIy as described to us by Saakhov.
Yes, Saakhov phoned me.
He's very agitated and demands
to be received by you.
Since he demands, I'II receive him.
Go on, get him.
Take care now!
Comrade Saakhov's diagnosis
seems to be absoIuteIy right.
Did you say, Saakhov?
Yes, Saakhov.
- So it was him who got me in here?
- He sent you here in time of crisis.
- A serious one.
- Right, it was a serious crisis.
I'II teII you the truth.
Saakhov is the one who kidnapped
the girI.
Of course, he did.
He kidnapped her and buried her.
- Listen to me... Saakhov...
- CaIm down. We'II get you cured.
AIcohoIics are our speciaIty.
Get me out ofthis.
Promise to be reasonabIe,
and not try anything?
You can undo him.
I see.
You don't beIieve me.
- May I see the prosecutor?
- Why, certainIy.
- Where's the prosecutor?
- In Ward 6, in NapoIeon's pIace.
You may stop eating and drinking,
you may remain siIent,
but nothing wiII heIp you.
The district's greatest man has
offered you his hand and his heart.
- The pIates.
- What?
There goes the dinner service.
- Is it very big?
- For tweIve persons.
There are ninety-six pieces...
You have no shame...
You don't give a damn about
our customs.
You're stupid...
You've got no choice.
You think someone wiII be searching
for you?
The first person they'II ask wiII be
me, your onIy reIation.
And I'II say you Ieft the schooI,
got married and went away.
I'II teII you something eIse. Keep
quiet and Iisten when I speak to you!
Either you Ieave here
as the wife of comrade Saa...
Lucky girI that you are!
Or you remain in there forever.
That's better.
That's a good girI.
Open the door and meet the man
who'II become your husband.
- Take it off!
- What?
Take offthe hat!
Look here, I'm distressed.
I'm very hurt.
I just went in...
- She's young and capricious.
- No, she's insoIent!
There're onIy two ways
I can go from this house:
Either I take her to the marriage
registry office...
Or she takes me to the prosecutor's.
- No, not that!
- I don't want it either.
AII right, you wiII see.
Tomorrow she'II feeI hungry.
In a week, she'II be bored,
and in a month she'II give in.
- We can wait.
- Yes, we can wait.
Remember, comrades!
You must prove worthy
of our trust.
I'II hoId you responsibIe for her.
We'II do our best,
dear comrade DzhabraiI.
- How about having a drink, huh?
- Don't make fun of us sick men.
- I'm serious. ShaII I go for it?
- You're stuck in this pIace.
I know a way out.
Psychiatric HospitaI No.1
Hey, wait, you psycho!
Why are you running Iike crazy?
Where's your donkey?
- Oh, heIIo!
- How are you?
- Where are you going?
- Down there.
Hop in, I'II give you a Iift.
Where do I drop you?
I'II expIain everything to you,
and you pick the best pIace to go.
- But go fast.
- This truck is a reaI hog.
Cursed be the day when I agreed to
drive this asthmatic vacuum cIeaner.
I remember what the great and wise...
New paragraph:
Dinner. UnderIine it.
- She refused the soup.
- She refused...
- Put in brackets: minestrone.
- Minestrone.
Three servings of shish kebab...
She threw down the precipice.
Now the wine.
She broke...
Two bottIes.
- Three.
- Make it three.
Three bottIes...
Go on, write...
- Fruit...
- Oranges...
EagIe's Nest - 57 km
Is this the Saakhov residence?
We're the anti-epidemic service.
What do you want?
There's an epidemic in the region.
We're vaccinating everyone.
Foot and mouth disease!
Sign right here.
Everyone must be vaccinated!
Must I take my shirt off?
No, you may keep it on.
Lie on your stomach.
- Easy. I haven't shot you yet.
- Not yet?
- Is it going to hurt much?
- It depends on the size ofthe needIe.
Can you use a smaII one?
Is it over?
- AIcohoI?
- AIcohoI.
Lie there and don't move.
This is the newest vaccine.
It takes time for it to work.
- No one eIse in the house?
- No, nobody!
Don't move, I said, Iie stiII!
Or ''memento mori''.
- MomentariIy...
- No more!
- That's cIear?
- That's very cIear.
Assistant! Water!
Nina is here. I'm sure she is.
Go Iook for her.
When wiII they faII asIeep?
In a haIf hour.
Get going.
The hoof-and-mouth disease
fiIterabIe virus
wiII spread through the bIood stream
most intensiveIy...
Make it short, professor.
Ifyou're not interested, I am.
Go on, teII us more.
It spreads through the bIood stream
most intensiveIy
when the body is over nicotinized...
aIcohoIized, and...
- And generaIIy demoraIized.
- Right.
Are you here?
Get over there.
Nina, are you aII right?
You aIive?
Thank God!
- Why?
- Traitor! Base hireIing!
- Wait, Nina, Iisten to me.
- Judas... How much did they pay you?
- Stop this and Iisten!
- WiII you untie me?
You utter zero!
Let me go!
Monster... traitor... outIaw...
CriminaI renegade!
fake foIkIorist...
Speak up!
Who is there?
Good evening...
I never thought you'd visit me.
It's a very pIeasant surprise.
I think I'd better change.
Don't bother. They'II attend to that
at the morgue.
We are here to judge you
by the Iaw ofthe mountains,
because you have sought
to bring dishonor on us.
You shaII die
Iike the jackaI you are.
You haven't the right!
You'II answer for this!
I shaII answer for it onIy to my
consciousness as a true mountaineer...
...to my sister's honor and to
the memory of my ancestors.
Nina! Don't Iet them do it.
This is a barbarity.
I know that I've broken the code,
but I'm ready
to admit my fauIt.
That won't be enough,
you shaII pay for it...
with your Iife!
You haven't the right.
You haven't the right!
This is the mob Iaw! I demand to be
judged by the Soviet Iaw!
Did you buy her
according to the Soviet Iaw?
Or did you have her kidnapped
by the Soviet Iaw?
Let's cut this ridicuIous discussion
short. Sister, turn on the sound.
Let's begin.
No! No, pIease!
Don't do that, I beg you not to.
I won't do it again.
I promise.
Let me go to the prosecutor.
Let me give myseIf up!
Ah, HamIet, weII done.
- What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- Don't worry. It was onIy saIt.
Yes, onIy saIt.
PIease, stand up! The court
is in session!
A cheer for ourjudge,
the fairest one in the worId!
Be seated.
- Be seated.
- Thank you. I'd rather stand.
Your honor,
he's unabIe to sit down.
After an ApriI shower,
Sooner wiII come the dawn.
And for the two happy Iovers,
As the time goes on,
The sun wiII shine forever,
The days wiII aII be fair,
The fog wiII curI in a vaIIey,
Snow-white as a bear.
The earth goes round and round.
The End