Keanu (2016) Movie Script
1
Los Phantomas.
Oh!
Juan?
Luis?
Pablo!
Oh...
No, no, no, please!
No, no, no!
Look, there's money. Look at
all the drugs around you, man.
We could do business. We'll get you rich!
What are you doing? No.
Stop doing that. No, what are you...
No, no. Look, you got
all this money around, man.
No, no...
He's my kitten, Iglesias.
Please, please.
No, don't hurt him. Please.
No, no, no.
That's my baby, Iglesias. No, no.
He's a kitten, you know.
Everybody likes baby kittens.
Right?
You know, it's not so bad, yeah.
Please, no. Look, I'll go away.
I'll go away, please!
Please, no!
Freeze! Police!
Drop your weapon now!
Show me your hands now!
On the ground. Get on the ground!
Get on the ground now!
Call Rell.
Calling Rell.
Hey, cuz!
Oh, my gosh. You're alive, man.
How are you? How you doing?
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Are you okay?
Maisie broke up with me.
Yes! Finally.
Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.
What happened? Why?
I don't know.
She said my life wasn't going anywhere.
I mean, what the fuck does that even mean?
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna swing by right now.
No!
Clarence, I don't want you
to see me like this.
I look like Apollo Creed.
Which Rocky?
The one where he died.
Oh, boy. Okay. All right.
Hang on, I'm gonna be right there, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
Can I help you?
Hey.
Hey.
Here you go.
Go ahead. Drink some.
It's just milk.
I swear, look.
There.
You just drank it 'cause I drank it.
Oh, you're so hungry.
What?
Okay.
No, no, no, you need a bath.
All right, just stay there.
All right, we're gonna have to walk.
Rell, it's gonna be okay.
Now, I know you don't want to
hear this right now,
but everything happens for a reason.
You're right, Clarence.
Everything does happen for a reason.
I want you to meet
Keanu.
What?
No.
No.
Oh, my God!
That's the cutest cat
I've ever seen in my life.
Hello! I'm sorry, Keanu?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I think it means "cool breeze"
in Hawaiian.
Honey, I'm sorry
I can't come with you guys this weekend.
It's just I've got all that
stuff to do around the house.
I understand, honey. It's fine.
I got the low-flow toilet to put in.
I just want you to do me
a little favor this weekend.
- Yeah.
- I want you to try and relax.
Right. Got it. Absolutely.
What do you mean?
Well, sometimes you can be
a little wound up.
Wound up? How am I wound up?
You're not hearing me.
You're not hearing me.
You spend so much time
trying to be the person
- you think everyone wants you to be.
- Okay.
And I just want you to be Clarence.
Okay, great.
If that's what you want, then...
- But, see, that's what I'm saying.
- No, no, no.
I mean, that's what I want,
so that's what I'm gonna do.
Deep breath. Ready?
Just...
Ah!
Loosen up your shoulders.
And what's crack-a-lacking,
beautiful people?
Hey, Spencer.
Hannah. A vision, as always.
Oh, thank you.
- Give me that.
- Okay.
- Clarence. Give me some skin.
- Spencer.
You got it, brother.
That's all the skin you get.
Where's Belle?
Oh, honey, let me get her for you. Belle!
- Them's some pipes.
- Right.
Our daughters just can't get
enough of each other, huh?
I'm tellin' ya. Girls, right?
Raising girls is the best.
- I tell ya, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey. Here we go.
- Thanks.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe when you get back,
we can see that new
Shailene Woodley movie, huh?
Clarence, you're embarrassing me.
- My bad.
- She got ya. She got ya.
- There we go. There.
- Let's do it, kids.
Get your seatbelt on, young ladies.
Okay. We got this.
Oh, honey.
Really got to go, guys.
All right, sweetheart.
All right. Okay.
Uh, where's Micah?
Oh, well, unfortunately,
my beautiful bride sends her apologies.
She can't make it this weekend.
She's got food poisoning.
- Oh, no.
- Oh!
Yeah, poor thing. She was up all night
just projectile vomiting.
- Oh!
- And more.
You know.
I'll spare you the gritty details.
- Thanks.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.
And diarrhea is what I'm talking about.
- Right.
- Oh.
Great. So, no Micah, then?
No. No Micah this weekend.
That's okay. That's okay.
That's too bad. It's too bad. But, uh...
- It's fine.
- Okay. Well, yeah.
Take care.
- And have a good time.
- We will.
Oh, yep.
- Bye, honey.
- Drive safe. Bye, Belle.
Take care, guys! Have a great time!
Ah!
Here's kitty!
No, you don't want to go through there.
Look, you just want to
stay in there, okay?
She's just found your manuscript
and you're ferocious with that.
So, you're gonna stay right there. Yeah.
Rell?
Just find the space. In here!
Hey.
Wow, you're working again.
What is that?
- This is December.
- December?
Yeah, for the calendar.
I didn't tell you about
the calendar. Check it.
The calendar?
Oh!
- Well, this is amazing.
- Thanks.
You could make a bundle on this.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I'm not gonna sell it.
- Oh!
- It's for personal use only. And family.
Oh, well, thank you.
No, I wouldn't want to exploit
Keanu's cuteness like that.
Okay.
You have been very productive.
- I know, right?
- Um...
Yeah. You know what?
This movie's in about 20 minutes.
- Are you ready to go?
- Uh, yes, okay.
Come here, buddy.
Good job today, man. You did really good.
I'm gonna put Keanu in his little nook.
Oh, he has a nook?
Of course he has a nook.
Everyone has a nook.
Okay. Hey, buddy.
House meeting.
I'm nothing without you.
And at the same time,
I need you to clean up
your little area while I'm gone.
Is that cool?
- I'll see you soon.
- Okay. Good.
Uh, say goodbye.
You're coming with me.
Right, yeah, of course. I'm sorry.
Uh, goodbye, Keanu.
Cool.
Now, we'll talk about it later.
Okay. Bye. Hey.
Get that bitch!
Get her! Get her!
Get her! Yeah!
I'm psyched for this movie, man.
Is that a photo of you and Maisie?
Yeah. I mean, it was.
That was amazing!
Movie of the year!
That is, like, the best Liam Neesons movie
I've ever seen in my life.
- Best Liam Neesons movie ever.
- Hands down.
I'm, like, jacked up from that movie!
- All right, settle down. Settle down.
- Whoo!
What a way to start a weekend,
you know what I mean?
That's good, because now,
I've got all that "doing me"
stuff out of the way,
and now tomorrow, I can mow the lawn,
- I can get my bills done.
- Hey. Hey.
You don't think that going and seeing
a Liam Neesons movie with me right now
counts towards you doing you.
- What? That is me doing me.
- No.
I wanted to see that movie.
Hannah would never go see that with me.
It's just the beginning.
You have something else planned
for the rest of the weekend?
We're gonna go to my house, right now.
We're gonna smoke some weed.
No, Rell. Hannah would...
Will love it. Hannah will love it.
You don't know my wife very well.
I know her well enough
to know that she's a woman,
and women like bad boys.
Who are you to give me this advice?
Are you bad?
I mean, I'm not saying I roll up,
fuckin' with my AK, poppin' fools.
No, you're not rolling up,
because that would require
a driver's license,
- which you, as a grown man, do not have.
- Fair enough.
So, there will be
no rolling up with AK's or anything else.
But I don't have a driver's license
'cause I'm from New York City.
NYC, baby.
Where, yeah, the dudes
that kicked my ass...
- Yes?
- ...were bigger than the dudes
that kicked your ass, motherfucker.
I'm from Detroit.
Detroit public school system.
Impossible. Guaranteed
the guys who kicked my ass
were twice as big and scary as
the guys who kicked your ass.
- No way.
- Guaranteed.
- Fine. So...
- Guaranteed.
You have to get the last one.
Do it. I don't care.
I'm not getting into a...
No way.
What makes you think
I can't handle my business?
I've got it all on lock.
I'm good to go, drawg.
I'm good to go, dude.
George Michael is holding it down.
- See, you just grooved on it.
- I'm not saying...
You just went...
I'm not saying it's not a good song.
I'm saying we should be listening to this.
What are you doing? You all right?
What is that?
Yeah. Roll on, po-po.
I'm sorry, no.
You don't get to say,
"Roll on, po-po" like that
after you just smiled
and waved to the police.
He ain't want none, did he?
Rell, what does that mean?
Oh, snap. Is it raining?
Well, it's LA. It'll stop in a minute.
So, what? You're so hardcore,
you're just, like,
afraid of a little rain?
Why is your door open?
Keanu.
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Rell.
Rell!
I'm sorry.
No.
No!
I am so sorry, buddy.
No!
Listen, the cops are here now.
And they're gonna take care of it. Right.
They're professional.
They take this kind of stuff seriously.
Crimson Tide. Good one.
These are good. You take these?
- They're just pictures.
- Keep them.
Do you think there's any chance
you might find the guys who did this?
Hell no.
In most burglaries,
the guys are never caught.
Oh, um...
You know, there might be a chance.
I wish that I could be more help.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have
to take that blanket back.
Oh.
This sucks.
Are you sure he was stolen?
These guys don't usually take pets.
Usually they're after drugs
or something they can sell for drugs.
We'll keep an eye out for the cat.
Thank you very much.
Take care of each other.
See, now that's promising.
Maybe Keanu will come back,
or maybe he'll...
Rell?
Where are you going?
Hulka's house.
Who is Hulka?
My weed dealer.
What?
You live across the way
from your weed dealer?
Oh, sup, sup, bro?
Hey, Hulka. This is my cousin, Clarence.
- Hello.
- Sup?
All right, in or out.
Can't leave the door open,
you know what I'm sayin'?
And don't fuck up all this shit.
I'm building a motorcycle.
So, the reason I'm here...
- Okay, look...
- No.
This is the perfect
sativa-dominant hybrid strain.
It's called Spoonie Gee.
Great. This is all great.
I'm not here for any of that.
I'm here because my place got broken into.
Oh, shit, you serious?
Oh, man, that suck a thick donkey ball.
What'd they get?
They got Keanu.
- Oh, shit. The little guy?
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck, man. I'm sorry, bro.
Okay. So...
Thank you.
I got an anti-sadness strain in here.
- It's called Walking on Sunshine.
- No, no. I don't care.
No, I'm not here for weed, man.
I'm here just to ask you
some questions. Like,
has anyone shady come by here
in the last couple of days?
Well, I mean... Well, um...
You know, I run
a professional business here.
I never had a dissatisfied customer.
I don't know,
it's a real fucking quandary.
Maybe it's someone that
you're selling all of this marijuana to.
Yeah. Or maybe it was somebody who thought
they were breaking into your house?
Oh, yeah. Look, bro.
I be real with you, okay?
I'm so fucking high right now.
I'm not even sure you're real.
I'm just like, where am I?
Where did all these eels come from?
Oh, shit!
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Hulka!
Who the fuck would want to
break into your house?
The Blips.
Man, the Blips.
The Blips?
These are the guys that were kicked out
of the Bloods and the Crips.
The Blips.
Blood-Crips, Blips.
I've started getting into
selling some heavier shit,
and when you're selling the heavier shit,
turf becomes a thing. You know?
And so, yeah. I mean,
the 17th Street Blips,
they did tell me, you know,
they gonna break in and "fuck my shit up."
But... I mean, that's not,
like, concrete proof.
The 17th Street Blips.
Okay, where are they?
17th Street.
Be specific!
Dude, look! I get you lost your kitty-cat,
but y'all some dumb fucks if
you think I'm gonna be a rat.
I ain't some punk-ass bitch
who's gonna be intimidated by y'all nerds!
- You...
- Nerds...
Yeah, that's right! You a fuckin' nerd!
- What you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
Oh, shit! You fucking crazy?
No, not my De La!
Yeah, I got your De La now, bitch.
Hulka? Is everything okay?
Mom, not now!
Bro, no.
Oh, you fuck!
What's this?
No, no, no! Not Grandmaster.
Not Grandmaster, please!
Tell me!
Okay, okay! Dude's at a strip club
called Hot Party Vixens.
Okay? But this dude, their leader,
his name is Cheddar,
and he is a bad motherfucker.
You don't wanna mess with him.
Dude, you lost your cat.
You lost your cat.
Come on, Rell.
We'll figure something out in the morning.
It's not over.
All right, this is the place.
Hot Party Vixens.
HPV.
That's unfortunate.
Check it. We're going to approach the bar.
Then we are going to
explain the situation.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah.
See, you're talking about
explaining the situation.
Hulka said this is a crazy
drug dealer named Cheddar.
So?
What's so scary about "Cheddar"?
Cheddar is a psychopath name.
You only name yourself
something adorable if you can back it up.
- I don't think that's a thing.
- That's a thing.
If you meet a guy named
Fluffy Pink Bunny Head,
he will stab you in the eye.
I'm sure that this Cheddar guy
is gonna be reasonable about money.
And, if need be,
we will just buy Keanu back.
No, no. Not like that. Come on, just...
What, this?
- Yeah, pop the collar.
- Uh...
- Okay?
- Yeah.
It's what the kids are doing.
Not really.
But okay.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Wow!
God gave you one face.
Why would you change it?
Nope, Clarence.
I just don't understand that at all.
- No, no, no.
- No, what?
No, this was a bad idea.
Isn't your cat here?
We need to get the cat.
- Hey, baby.
- Hello, how do you do?
Oh, dear. Okay.
I'm, uh...
I'm flattered. Thank you.
But I am married.
No.
- Thank you.
- Oh...
You just took my wedding ring.
No, no, no. We're here,
we're here, you're good.
One beer, please.
I'll take a white wine...
Sir, that young lady just took
my wedding ring,
- so I'm wondering...
- It's all right.
- No, no. Clarence, Clarence, Clarence!
- Yeah.
You can't talk like that here.
- Okay?
- I can't talk like what?
You sound like Richard Pryor
doing an impression of a white guy.
I do not sound like Richard Pryor
doing an impression of a white guy.
"I do not sound like Richard Pryor
"doing an impression of a white guy."
You sound like John Ritter all the time.
Well, I beg to differ, nigga.
N-word. Went straight to the N-word.
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- It's not authentic.
Because that's how
real people talk, Clarence.
No, it is not in my experience.
- It's not how people talk.
- Please, please, you're wrong.
You understand? People understand
the historical significance of that word,
and that you can't just say it
shiftlessly with no
responsibility whatsoever.
Absolutely wrong. 100% wrong.
Listen, this is life.
You listen to me. You don't shush me.
You niggas in the right place?
Yeah, we in the right place, nigga!
You in the right place, nigga?
Who the fuck are these niggas?
Who the fuck are we?
Who the fuck aren't we?
- Oh!
- Are you trying to die today?
Nah.
We ain't trying to die today.
Let me break it down right quick.
Y'all gonna take us to Cheddar,
and then we can start nailin'
down the hows and whens
and wherefores and...
Whys.
Did I not mention the whys?
The whys, too, motherfucker.
- Well, look here, homeboy.
- Yeah, dude.
You in Bliptown now,
and you don't make the rules.
Cheddar does.
And you don't meet Cheddar
until you meet me.
You feel me?
So who the fuck are you niggas?
Nigga...
Nigga, nigga...
- Psst. Tell her, man.
- Nigga...
I'm Techtonic.
- Nice!
- Thank you.
What about you?
My name is Shark Tank.
Well, look here,
Techtonic and Shark Tank.
Cheddar is a businessman.
He don't take drop-bys.
You think we don't mean business?
And swam.
Why don't you search 'em, Bud?
Go on ahead, Bud.
These niggas not strapped.
- Come on.
- Yeah, let's come on, then.
What's up, motherfucker?
What?
Chill. Hey, yo, Cheddar.
You'll get it next time, boss.
Hi-C.
The fuck is this?
I'm Techtonic.
Sup, Cheddar? Finally.
- He's Shark...
- The king pimp himself.
Shark Tank.
Yeah, I mean, we've been looking
forward to this, dawg. Ha-ha!
Talkin' about the H-N-I-C.
My man.
All right.
Yeah.
You know, I got a lot of enemies
that would love to walk in this room
and put a bullet hole in old Cheddar.
Hey!
We ain't got no beef with you, Cheddar.
No? How about now, nigga?
That's a nice piece.
You should keep the safety on.
You know what? I get it.
Hi-C, what the fuck is this, huh?
You bring me a couple of bitch-ass niggas
as a joke, right?
- What?
- Us? Uh, no.
I'm sorry, bitch-ass niggas?
Am I right, Tech?
It's been a long-ass time
since we heard that.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, nigga.
We killed 25 dudes this month, man.
So, if y'all so fuckin' real,
why ain't I never seent you before?
- Well...
- Oh!
That's because...
I don't know,
maybe we didn't wanna be seent.
Wait a minute.
Y'all them Allentown niggas, ain't you?
- Us? Yes.
- Nah.
- Yes, Techtonic.
- Yeah, what?
Nigga, yes, we them Allentown niggas.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
This nigga acting like
- he got amnesia up here, fucking around.
- Crazy.
Shit.
Why didn't y'all say something
earlier, man?
We was tryin' to stay incognito.
You gotta keep 'em on their toes!
Oh, damn.
Why don't y'all come over here,
have a seat so we can talk?
Okay, yeah.
You know, uh...
I heard how it went down
at King Diaz's church.
That was some cold shit.
You know, man, that's how we do.
You know, we gots to do, how we do.
Oh, damn!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about her, man.
That's Montana.
All right.
Hey, man, you know,
as much as I love snakes,
I think we need to go
to the bathroom real quick
and drain ours.
Well played, yep. That's what
we should do. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, look who's up from their nap.
Hey.
Cute cat.
Uh, yeah. This is my nigga,
New Jack, right here, man.
Yup. Hey, but, look,
before y'all go run off
and do your little tinkle...
Where'd you get him?
Seems to me,
no stupid-ass nigga in his right mind
would let a cat like that go willy-nilly.
The fuck?
How much you want for him?
He serious?
Actually, he is, man.
We in the market right now
for a gangsta pet, so...
Oh, well, he ain't for sale.
Everything has a price.
At a pet store.
But this ain't no motherfucking
pet store, nigga.
Well, that's a shame.
Um...
Thank you for sharing your time.
I said,
everything has its price.
Well, shit. I mean, damn.
Y'all drive a hard-ass bargain.
All right. Hey.
I'll be right back, pimpin'.
I wanna show y'all something. Come on.
Come on.
I don't know if y'all know
what we slinging these days.
Holy Shit.
Holy shit, indeed.
Nah, man.
That's what it's called, man. Holy Shit.
Only you ain't heard of it yet
because it's new.
And we the only ones that got it in LA.
What you're looking at
is a cross between PCP,
MDMA and DMT.
I mean...
One puff of this, and holy shit!
It's like you...
Smokin' crack with God.
So, uh, maybe y'all can accompany
these fools on a run.
You know, show 'em how y'all
get down over in Allentown.
Well, you know, actually, though, um...
- Like a run, run?
- Yeah.
You do that,
I'll give you New Jack
as a gesture of respect.
Wow. But, unfortunately, we...
Deal.
Deal. Y'all hear that?
They gonna shadow you.
So you make sure you listen to
every word they say
and you take it as gospel, you understand?
But right quick, though,
right quick, though,
Cheddar, seriously, man.
I just was thinking about
what's been going on.
As recently, our docket is full, nigga...
And at the same time, Cheddar,
if I can get a moment
to discuss with my colleague.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, now!
It doesn't have to be that hard.
I will not sell drugs.
I can't sell drugs, Rell.
This was your idea.
You were the one that wanted
to come here, man.
All right, listen.
You were the one who said
we were the Allentown niggas.
I am not breaking the law.
It's easy. It's easy, though. It's easy!
- What's easy?
- I've seen Hulka do this.
He just stands there. People want drugs.
We just feed them some
bullshit about New Jack City,
and we just get Keanu.
I'm not jeopardizing my family
by selling drugs, okay?
- Or...
- Or?
- Maybe you'll like it.
- What?
Maybe you'll like
being a bad motherfucker.
No, no.
- You're good at it.
- What?
And it's just team building.
This is what you do.
I don't do team building for drug rings.
I do it for corporate...
- Ever hear of corporate crime?
- That's not...
- Y'all ready?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Good. Let's go.
You ready, Shark Tank?
Yeah.
I'm fuckin' ready, Techtonic.
Sup, sup?
Finders keepers, yo.
Hey, keep your distance, yo.
No, no, no. Know what I'm saying?
No, don't shut that door. No, no, no.
I'm about to leave, anyway, so...
All right, y'all.
Gather 'round and whatnot.
So, seriously, what's gonna happen now
before we get on this job,
it's time for us to all
get to know each other
a little bit better.
We gonna go in a circle, first of all,
and everyone gonna say their name
and then two things about yourself.
For instance.
My name is Shark Tank.
And I ran hurdles in high school.
And I like to hold my gun like this.
So, that's me.
I'm Techtonic.
- I once shot two dudes with one bullet.
- Blam.
And I went to a exclusive,
early screening of
The Blair Witch Project.
- You did?
- Yeah.
I did not know that. See?
That was before we even knew
if it was real or not.
That's right. People thought
that shit was real.
Go on, nigga.
I'm Bud.
And I got into gang bangin'
after I got stabbed by my moms.
I'm gonna need two things, though.
And my grandma.
Well, you know, them family reunions
get crazy sometimes, man.
Thanks for sharing, brother.
Whassup? I'm Trunk.
I got a knock-out left hook.
Mmm-hmm.
I got my name
because I accidentally locked
my car keys in my trunk once.
- It happens to the best of us, dawg.
- With a dead body.
Okay.
Yeah, well, you know,
Trunk is a better name than Dead Body.
Let's move on. What about you?
Yeah.
Stitches.
And?
Two things about yourself?
Nah, nigga.
Okay, you know what, Shark Tank?
I think, in his own way,
Stitches did share something
about hisself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We should move on.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm Hi-C.
First off, uh, I don't like
niggas I don't know.
Second, I'm real curious
about what exactly went down
at the Diaz church massacre.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Now we all know things about each other.
So, let's knock this job out real quick.
Was it really like the word on the street?
What was the word on the streets?
Blood bath. Hundred executions.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, at least 100.
Hundred, 101.
And you ran up the wall
and did a back flip,
and came down
and was still shooting niggas.
Mmm.
Damn straight. Did that, too.
Well, show us.
- Hmm?
- Show us!
- The flip, hmm?
- Yeah.
- I think we'd all like to see that.
- Um...
All right, let me explain
somethin' to y'all real quick.
It ain't gonna be like you think.
Cheddar already told y'all,
we ain't here...
Oh!
Damn, nigga! You see that shit?
He did it. He flipped it?
He flipped it.
Bring it in right here, homie.
Whoo! All right!
It's like black Jesus up in here.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God!
I just did a flip. Oh, my God!
Shit! That shit is crazy.
So next time we tell y'all
we did somethin',
take our word that we did somethin'.
- Now let's see you do it.
- Yeah.
- What?
- Sorry?
Your turn, nigga.
Only he's flippin' today.
Only I'm flippin' today, y'all.
We alternate flip days.
Okay, today's the day
where I'm gonna be doin' all the flips.
Y'all ain't gonna see him flip today.
I'll flip the fuck
outta that shit tomorrow.
Ooh, yeah!
Hey!
Let's flip the subject
and go flip some Holy Shit.
- Okay?
- Hells yeah, dirt.
- Let's take care of that.
- Exactly.
Yo, everybody won't fit into my car.
My brothers. My brothers.
Come on, just tell me
what you want from me.
Look, take anything. It's all yours, okay?
Okay? Hey, y'all like weed?
Just untie me, I'll go get it for you.
Fuck! No!
No! Come on! I didn't do shit!
I wouldn't...
Oh, shit.
I'm the fuckin' cat, aren't I?
That's what you're gonna do to me.
I ain't scared.
The cat? The cat...
You're looking for Keanu?
The cat's at Hot Party Vixens.
You know, that strip club downtown.
You guys, don't kill me.
I fuckin' know everything about hip-hop.
Yo, Shark, no disrespecting, now, man,
but why you drive this weak-ass van?
You wanna get caught,
go ahead, drive a little drug car.
But you wanna never get pulled over again,
you drive a inconspicuous family vehicle.
Inconspicuous, least hardcore,
motherfuckin' soccer mom,
Full House thing.
Where we goin' again?
Just head towards the Hollywood Hills.
I'll guide you from there.
Wordness to the turdness.
Here we are.
You comin'?
Nah.
You got this.
Nah. Fuck that. You comin' with.
Cheddar said you was gonna
show me how to do this.
Yeah, go ahead, Techtonic.
I'ma show these guys how to keep watch.
Thank you, Shark Tank.
You're more than welcome, nigga.
Come on. We gotta
get this over with, man.
Don't worry about it, baby.
Ain't no thang.
Ain't no thang.
Watch and learn.
Hi!
Ah! Yay! You guys are here!
Oh, finally!
What's up?
Somebody order some drugs?
Yes! Oh, my God!
I was just telling these guys
about this job that I did in
Paris for a couple of months,
and this guy, he let me
smoke some of this stuff.
And I swear to God, this drug is insane.
And the beauty is,
every trip is different!
Ha! Can I please see it?
Ooh. Backpack. Backpack.
Got a neat little backpack.
Yes!
Oh, my God, yes!
Come on, please, please, please! Come sit.
Have a drink. Sit down!
Sorry, we just want to see the money.
You see, Donnie,
some people don't respect the game.
What game?
Life!
Life is a fuckin' game!
And the only real question is,
who are the players
and who are the pieces?
Come on, you guys.
Let's smoke some Holy Shit.
No, no, no.
Thought I made myself clear.
We're not interested.
Man, fuck!
Let's get some tunes
goin' in this motherfucker.
- Something, man.
- Tunes, man, yeah.
Fuck, yeah. Let's see what we got here.
- I know you got some killer shit.
- Actually, no, we...
What? Yo.
Yo, Shark Tank, my nigga.
Um...
What the fuck is this?
Oh...
Shit, niggas!
This my shit right here!
This your shit?
This shit sound kinda white.
- White? White?
- Yeah.
Niggas, this is
George Michael, right here.
All right? This one of the greatest
recording artists of all time, man.
This the real OG up in here.
So,
he black, then?
You know, he light-skinned.
And then, he used to roll
with this nigga, Ridgeley.
Yeah.
And then, George Michael
was trying to do that solo thing, right?
And then, wham!
Then nobody never see Ridgeley ever again.
He killed the motherfucker?
Nobody
ever
seen
him
again.
Shit.
I'll fuck with that nigga.
I'll fuck with him.
- Hey, hey, y'all.
- If he start that shit.
Wait till y'all hear
this next track, though, dirt.
You know,
in samurai times,
a refusal
to sit at a man's court
was considered a profound
insult to his honor.
Ha! I'm just fucking with you!
You should have seen your face.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that was amazing.
Mmm.
Crazy.
Whoo!
The man asked for the money.
Yeah.
Rachel, get the bag.
I'm not your slave.
Get the fucking bag!
Ooh!
I loved you in
The House Bunny, by the way.
- Thank you, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know this chick?
It's Anna Faris, the actress.
She's in movies?
Lost in Translation?
Chipwrecked? The Squeakquel?
Scary Movie?
Oh... You in that movie?
Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Not 5. Too old.
Hmm.
But, enough! Enough! Enough!
No more Hollywood talk.
I'm so sick of this bullshit.
- Yeah.
- All I care about
is truth.
Or dare.
Truth or dare!
Yo, that chorus
do kick in nice, though.
It does, don't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean,
y'all hear the father figure part, right?
Because, my man right here,
he didn't have his own
positive male role model in his life.
So...
Damn!
Yo, I never knew my daddy.
- Really?
- No.
Man, George Michael the shit, man!
- Right, dawg?
- Right on, man.
Love that man.
Truth.
What is
the dirtiest, most fucked-up
thing you've ever done?
Mmm...
You know, you don't have to...
This dude cheated on my sister
and I cut his dick off.
Oh... Uh...
Fuck, yeah!
That is the kind of shit
you should get paid for.
Thank you.
Okay, your turn, same question.
Most fucked-up?
I once cut two dicks off.
Yeah, that's right.
They didn't even see it coming.
Snuck up on them.
Got real close.
One of them was long, thin, pointy,
like a pencil.
The other one was short, girthy.
Had a little bit of heft to it.
Got up in there lickety-split,
snip, snip, yeah.
I took them, too.
So, yeah, I'm a motherfuckin' dick-taker.
300 for the dick-taker.
Okay.
- So, Allentown...
- What? Nigga, fuck, what? Nigga.
Tell me about it, man. Was it crazy?
Surely should have been.
Was it...
Hells bells, hold on
to your shells, nigga.
Shit was crazy, shit was crazy.
We was just dodging bullets
on a everyday basis.
You know, just for survival.
But, you know, the thing
about me and Techtonic,
is our communication skills.
That's the backbone of our teamwork.
- You feel me?
- Yeah.
I get that.
All right.
- You know what?
- Mmm.
I never told y'all niggas how I got this.
A kid stabbed me
'cause I stole his Ring Pop.
That's awful, man.
How old were you?
Twenty-three.
Oh. Okay. Well...
Yeah, thank you for sharing, though.
That felt good.
I got one, too. Check it out.
Okay, yeah. Let's see that.
Buckshot.
Holding up a liquor store.
Oh, man.
And then he shot you, man. That's crazy.
Nah, actually, it made the news,
and when I got back to my
grandmamma house, she shot me.
Okay, you know, you need to spend
a little less time with your family.
I'm gonna advise that.
- Hell, yeah.
- So, what you got?
- Me? Oh, okay, let me, um...
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on, man.
You got a bunch of shit, man.
- Here it is.
- You ain't gotta be modest.
A damn-ass street fight.
Appendix.
Blam...
Your appendix?
- They took it out of my body.
- What?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Y'all don't even want to hear about
what went down with my wisdom teeth.
- Shit.
- Damn.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
Why would you choose dare?
Hmm...
I dare you
to shoot your friend.
You jokin'.
She's jokin'.
You know she's jokin', right?
I'm not joking.
That's $10,000.
What?
Hey.
Show us what it looks like
to see a man's brains explode.
Hey.
Fuck it! He ain't my friend.
Hey! Fuck. Yo, Hi-C!
Don't let white girl tear us apart, Hi-C.
This is fuckin' black-on-black violence.
This is how it happens.
Don't fuckin'
let Anna Faris tear us apart!
Yes, come on.
Show us what death looks like.
Come on.
Do it. Do it, do it, do it.
Do it, do it, do it.
Do it, do it.
Do it!
Fuck that!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Get it, then!
- What?
- Get the cash, motherfucker!
You broke my nose!
Look, look, look!
You fucking peasant!
Crazy bitch!
Bring your ass here, little Wendy!
Come on. Let's go!
Move!
Get in the back!
Move it!
Drive!
I gotta start the car.
You good?
Come on. Drive!
I said drive, motherfucker!
I'm going, I'm going.
- Seat belts and shit!
- Come on, y'all.
What the fuck is y'all singing?
George Michael.
Shit, don't break the goddamn van.
- Oh, Stitches!
- No, no.
You ain't gonna hit nobody.
Oh, there it goes!
We still got this party shit
- goin' on later or what?
- Yeah.
We're going
downstairs in a second.
Don't even worry about that.
About time you passed that shit, eh?
Here's the thing, man. I was, like...
Just say some... Yeah, dawg?
Shark Tank, can I catch
your ear for a second?
All right, dawg!
To be continued, y'all.
All right.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, Stitches.
Nah!
I gotta tell you, man,
I'm having an amazing time,
and these are not bad people.
Clarence, Clarence, they're bad people.
- No, no...
- They're very, very bad.
Okay. They're drug dealers,
and I get all of that...
Listen to me. Listen to me.
- In the mansion, earlier...
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey! Shark!
Shark Tank! Come here!
Shut the fuck up, nigga.
Dumb motherfucker.
Okay. We'll just have
a couple more drinks,
and then we'll just go see
where Cheddar's at, right?
I never get to go out. I never go out.
I am doing something that Hannah asked.
This is for my marriage.
These drinks are for my marriage.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I cannot tell you how much
I appreciate that. All right.
Shark, you better hurry up!
Listen up, niggas.
We about to be out this motherfucker.
- Oh!
- You good?
You got me on that one.
You good, though?
Yeah, I'm good.
You good?
Yeah. I'm good.
Shit got crazy back there, huh?
You ain't never seen
nobody get killed before?
Me?
Yeah, I've seen people get killed before,
by me.
I was just trying to say that,
usually in Allentown,
we handle our business
a little bit more professionally.
Mmm-hmm. Okay.
You, uh...
You ever think about gettin' out the game?
No.
That's a shame.
I would imagine that
it's a tough job for a woman to be here.
Not that you can't,
because a woman can do
anything a man can do, but...
Yeah.
You think if I get out the game,
niggas gonna stop thinkin'
they own bitches?
Well, I'm not like that.
You're not?
Nah.
I bet you, out there somewhere
there's a non-gangster motherfucker
that'd be real lucky to have you.
I mean...
You look kind of like
the female lion in The Lion King.
Nala.
That's crazy that you say that,
because it's, like, my favorite cartoon.
- Really?
- Yeah, and I'm a Leo.
That's crazy how you knew that.
You must be psychic or somethin'.
Wow.
You don't want to get mixed up
with a dude like me.
I'm a wanderer.
Oh, you gay.
- No.
- Yeah.
Why you think I'm gay, though?
I'm just messing with you, man.
I know you not gay.
How do you know?
I could tell you like girls.
Good.
I wanna thank you for earlier.
Really?
Like, for what?
For helping me kill those people.
Yeah. Well, I...
No. No. I...
I ain't help you kill them people.
You did that on your own.
It's kind of like we killed them together.
Nah, I think it's more like
you murdered them on your own.
Mmm. But I couldn't have
done it without you.
Agree to disagree with that one.
We killed them together.
Well, legally speaking,
I did not help you.
Mmm...
You all right?
I didn't...
You was kind of close.
Yeah.
Got my trick knee.
Why don't we go ahead
and finish this downstairs?
Mmm-hmm. You wanna... I go first.
Yeah. Go on.
Come on, y'all.
Let's go to this party, man.
- Hell, yeah.
- You heard her, y'all.
Niggas is in here caking and shit.
Allentown!
Whoo!
Excuse me. Can I come
through here for a second?
Excuse me!
- Hey!
- Hey, hey!
We said one drink!
Hey, but we're turning it out, man!
It's not "turn out," it's "turn up"!
And it's time to turn down, man!
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Okay. I see what's going on.
You're just mad
because they like Shark Tank
more than they like Techtonic!
What? No, no!
I'm sorry.
I just have a lot of personality.
I don't know what to tell you, brother.
- What?
- What?
First of all, I don't care
if they like Shark Tank
more than Techtonic.
They're murderers!
All right.
Second of all, no, they don't!
Yo, Tank!
What up?
Nah!
Yo, nigga, you aight?
Word to Big Bird I'm aight, dawg. Blam!
Aight, man.
Hey, Stitches, man.
Let me show you how we
smoke weed in Allentown.
Aight.
That's my boy, right there.
He know how to do it right.
- Yo, Shark Tank!
- Yeah, dawg?
Your turn, my nigga!
Well, you know,
I'm more one of them
pipe-smokin' niggas, you know.
You say a pipe?
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much, sir. Thank you. Yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Gonna heat it up. Heat it on up.
Ooh. It's gonna be delicious.
Yeah.
Yo, I almost forgot.
Just got this done out back.
Oh...
- Shit!
- Shit!
That's actually the best tattoo
I've ever seen in my life!
Me, too, man. Me, too.
You want some, dawg?
Nah. I don't fuck with that Holy Shit.
Yo, you all right?
- Hey, man.
- Help him!
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Holy shit.
Shit!
Holy shit!
All right. You doin' all right, right?
Holy shit.
I think maybe we should go,
like, lay down somewhere.
Yo, nigga, you floatin'!
Am I in Heaven?
You're George Michael.
You're George Michael, man.
No. That's my favorite fucking song.
That's it. I like when you do that...
That thing. That leg thing. That's my jam.
Oh, no, I can't.
There's no way I can spin.
No, I can't do it.
What? Oh... There it is.
Oh, it's so good.
George.
I have faith.
Hello?
Oh.
Hello, Clarence. It's me,
Keanu.
Meow.
Wait.
Are you...
Keanu Reeves?
Yeah.
I'm your spirit teacher.
People can't be excellent to you
unless you're being excellent to yourself.
I don't understand. What does that mean?
Clarence,
it's time to wake up.
Where you go from there
is a choice I leave to you.
Oh. Right.
The Matrix.
Dude, all you need to remember is...
Oh...
I get it.
Oh, let me get a picture...
Hannah!
Hi!
Hannah! Baby.
Hi, baby.
Oh, I miss you so much, baby.
How are you?
Not good.
Wait, where are you?
Oh, God. Oh... Huh?
What? No. I'm just out with Rell.
I'm doing me!
- Are you at a club?
- Yeah.
In fact, it's of the strip club variety,
and I've never done that,
and I'm just having some
really rugged fun, you know?
So, you're at a strip club
having rugged fun.
Yeah. No, it's not like that.
It's not about the degrading
of women or anything.
I'm here for a very specific reason.
And... No, that didn't sound right.
I'm sorry.
It's complicated.
I'll explain it to you tomorrow.
But it's all good. It's nothing bad.
Okay. Okay. Whatever.
But, baby...
This is what you said you wanted, right?
You said to have fun.
Whatever, Clarence. Whatever.
I just didn't think that
being in a strip club was your thing.
Yeah, well, you know... Shit. I mean...
What'd you think my idea
of fun was, right?
It ain't like my fuckin'
lifestyle is some secret.
Why are you talking to me like that?
- See about it, then.
- What?
I said, why are you
talking to me like that?
I've never heard you
talk to me like that before.
I mean... I talk like that sometimes.
Yeah. All right. Okay.
Wait, what's wrong?
This is what you asked for, right?
Fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I didn't want to ruin your weekend.
I just want you to know
that Spencer's been
a little inappropriate,
and I'm coming home tomorrow morning
instead of tomorrow night.
Inappropriate?
Spencer was inappropriate how?
Let's just say
he made me uncomfortable.
I can't get into it right now.
Baby, I gotta go.
You better behave yourself, too. Bye.
No, Hannah, please
don't hang up the phone.
Can you just explain to me
what's going on right now?
Hannah!
Hannah!
Yo, this party is crazy!
Oh.
Hey.
You aight?
Yeah, nigga. Yeah.
You know, just side bitch.
Word, uh...
Well, Cheddar wants to holla at you.
Cool, yeah.
I'll let him know you're coming.
So, uh...
Hi-C tells me
y'all some bad motherfuckers.
Even taught my goons some new tricks.
Yeah, we taught them
how we do things in Allentown.
Yeah, well, um...
I got a big exchange tomorrow. I need you.
Help keep shit 100.
You know what I'm saying?
After that,
- New Jack here is yours.
- Um...
I think we'd prefer to stick
to the original arrangement.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, I see.
Driving up the price.
Okay, 10 G's plus New Jack.
Nah.
Cheddar.
We just want the cat.
Shark Tank and I,
we getting a little sleepy.
Sleepy?
Hell, yeah, nigga, we sleepy.
And when them Allentown niggas get tired,
we gotta catch some Z's,
or else Allentown niggas get cranky.
Straight up.
Now, I know y'all ain't
gonna turn down 20 G's.
I mean, shit.
That's a lot of money even by
Allentown standards, right?
Well...
Let me tell you about Allentown standards.
By Allentown standards,
when a nigga make a deal,
a nigga make a goddamn deal.
Ooh... Shark...
And didn't nobody say nothing
about no exchange tomorrow.
So, let me tell you
how it's gonna go down.
You gonna give us our goddamn cat,
and we gonna be on our
goddamn way, Spencer!
Uh, Cheddar.
Take pimpin' upstairs
to the office for me.
- Give him some of that catnip he like.
- Mmm-hmm.
You know, um,
maybe, just maybe,
just take a little time
to think about my offer.
We don't need time. We need...
Time is good.
We need some time. You need some time.
We'll take some. You take some.
You do it here. We'll do it over here.
- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?
This motherfucker trying to side wind us.
What the fuck are you doing, Tech?
I'm not Tech. I'm not Tech.
I'm Rell. Clarence.
Well, I was staying in character.
What are you, Daniel Day-Lewis
all of a sudden? Come on, man!
Look, I spoke to Hannah on the phone,
- and she said that Spencer did something.
- What?
She wouldn't tell me, man. She hung up!
Okay...
It can't be that bad if she didn't say.
You almost got us killed, man, okay?
Look, Keanu needs you.
I need you. I need you.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Okay. Then come on.
Okay. I'm good. I'm good.
All right. Let's get Keanu.
Let's get out of here.
Yes.
Watch the door. Keanu!
Keanu!
I said I was gonna take care of you.
And I failed.
But I'm here now.
Get that off you.
I'm here for you, buddy.
I love you.
Okay.
All right, go, go, go. Just walk.
I see. I get it now,
because when I stand up for myself,
that means I'm standing up
for Hannah and Belle,
and when I don't stand up for myself,
I'm not standing up for them.
Clarence, you can keep on talking,
but just know, I think we just won.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Gosh, that was so weird, wasn't it?
I mean, we just walked right out of there.
Biscuits.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Oh... Fuck me.
What?
Oh, you know what?
Guess you don't know who you messing with
because you being
crazy disrespectful right now.
Hey! If you fucking touch
one hair on my cat's head,
I will kill you!
- Help!
- Never mind.
Okay, yes, yes.
Putting them down. Putting the guns down.
Yes, that's good.
Yes, thank you, thank you!
- Hey.
- Thank you.
- They like Keanu.
- That's good.
We do, too.
We like Keanu as well.
Everybody here seems to like Keanu,
so we can agree on that, right, guys?
Hey, we're fun dudes. We're friends!
Please!
What do you want from us?
- Oh, God!
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God. Are those tiny penises?
No!
Please, Lord, let those be fingers.
They're fucking fingers, man.
They're fucking fingers.
Oh, my God!
Hey! Listen, if you let us go,
I might be able to get you visitor passes
to a meeting of the Senate
Foreign Relations Committee
if they're not in a closed session!
Oh, my gosh!
That just worked.
I don't fucking know how that worked.
I have a friend.
I have a friend.
A friend of mine went to grade
school with the speechwriter
for John Kerry, a former
presidential candidate.
Oh, my God. I think this is working.
- No.
- Why would this be working?
I think that they
are going to murder us to death!
Oh, my God!
Lord save me now, please!
Oh, fuck.
Keanu.
No! What is that one?
- Why are you doing this?
- Buddy...
Gentlemen, please,
why can't we just talk about this?
Can't we just...
Okay, ready?
Just take a deep breath...
Get that bitch!
Get that bitch!
Get that bitch.
Yeah, get that bitch!
Get that, bitch!
No, not the fucking knife.
Man.
I'm saying...
I don't know what I'm saying.
I don't know... Wait, wait, wait.
I think we're gonna need more time.
Just give us a little bit more time.
Sir, I'm begging you, please.
Think about, dig in to
yourselves, into your souls.
Why would you have to
do something like this?
Please, no.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I got you!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, Rell.
- Back up!
- Thank you, God, for this!
Back up!
Okay. Yes. We gotcha!
Fucking got you, motherfucker!
Just don't move, all right?
We're gonna take our cat,
and we're gonna be on our way!
- If you don't mind.
- Keanu!
- Keanu!
- Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Drop the fucking... Hey, back up!
What are you doing? Stop moving forward!
Stop walking!
Stop walking toward us!
Stay right there!
Why are you walking toward us?
Why are you walking toward us?
Hey, knock it off! Knock it off!
We will fire these guns and
shoot bullets into your body.
Count of three.
We gotta fucking shoot them.
I can't shoot them!
I will not kill somebody.
- Clarence, we gotta do it!
- I cannot do it!
Okay, one...
I said the count of three.
I know. I'm sorry.
- I said the count of three.
- I heard you say...
- Yeah.
- I heard it. Oh, my God!
We've killed people!
Why "we"?
Why "we"? No, you did it!
- What, no!
- I didn't shoot anybody.
Okay.
Okay, we just murdered those people.
- That's okay. All right.
- Okay.
- We should go. We should go.
- Ah...
Keanu!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Oh, God.
Uh... Kitty, kitty!
Keanu!
Thought y'all motherfuckers was dead.
Didn't say goodbye or nothing.
Oh, and my cat, New Jack?
The one I would never give up
to two niggas like y'all?
He was gone, too.
And now I see that you are, in fact,
holding that nigga New Jack as we speak.
Hi-C,
get my cat.
Hey, hey, you two!
What's that?
That?
That's just a nigga in the trunk, man.
What you think?
Because that's
how we roll, motherfucker.
That's our car.
We be putting niggas
in this trunk all the time.
This the last day this
motherfucker's alive, man.
Oh, shit! Don't kill me!
- Oh, shit.
- What?
Oh, Rell!
Rell's cousin! Fuck!
Make sure you got your keys.
Here's the deal, man.
This nigga right here? He stole your cat.
That's him.
We just got your cat back for you.
That is a hurtful lie!
Yo, Cheddar.
That's Hulka.
That's whose apartment that Trunk and Bud
stole the cat from.
He probably tryin' to steal him back.
Yo, it wasn't my place!
It was their place!
- There you go.
- That's what happened.
Your girl know what's up.
Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
You don't need to...
Cheddar. Look,
I don't even know if you remember this.
I met you at the club once. Hulka. Hulka.
Look, come on, man...
Kill this motherfucker.
- What? No! Come on, man!
- Kill him?
Like, end his life so
the motherfucker expires?
Take the soul out of his body?
But we can't do that,
and I'll tell you why.
Because we don't have a gun.
- We ain't got no guns.
- That's why.
This...
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.
- Thanks for the gun.
- I really appreciate it.
You looking out, and that's why
I respect you, Cheddar.
That was
efficient as fuck. Um...
Hey, you know what, Techtonic?
What's that?
Do the honors, dawg.
You one considerate motherfucker.
- I do what I can, dirt.
- Just do it!
No, no, please don't!
Don't kill me. Don't shoot me!
I don't want to die.
Come on, I just want to build motorcycles,
and be a stunt man in my spare time, yo!
Oh, God, I didn't want this.
Rell, Rell.
Come on, bro.
Fucking do it.
Can't do it!
And you have many more guns than I do.
So, I give you this one.
Y'all ain't from fuckin' Allentown.
Fuckin' knew it.
In a sense,
aren't we all from Allentown?
George Michael is
a real nigga, though, right?
He's not black. I lied about that.
He is not black, and I apologize.
Nah!
And he probably
had a fuckin' father figure
the whole fuckin' time.
I can't speak to that.
I don't know the man personally.
Bitch, shut the fuck up!
You don't get to talk!
Y'all talk too damn much.
- I don't talk that much.
- What?
Take this nigga out.
No! Please!
Not in front of us.
Please, not in front of us.
Oh.
Just taking me out from the trunk?
Oh, thank you.
And put him in our trunk.
Aw, man.
Okay. Okay.
Well, anything better
than being shot, you heard?
Right? Oh, I stand corrected! No, no, no!
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
Oh, this is fucking gross!
Oh, this is fuckin'...
Motherfucker!
- So, my name is Rell.
- And I am Clarence.
Look.
You two morons is coming with us.
Allentown or not, y'all gonna
be my Allentown niggas today.
You do anything stupid,
and you're fuckin' dead.
- Okay.
- Yep.
That goes without saying at this point.
That gun is so close to my head.
Is that necessary?
Welcome to my home, guys. How you doing?
Anything? Beer, wine, liquor, girls?
Videogames?
No?
Bacon Diaz.
I heard you had a baller crib,
but this is practically
Neverland fuckin' Ranch out here.
Thank you. Thanks.
Who the fuck is...
That's them.
That's them?
The Allentown niggas.
Los Phantomas?
Yep. They the ones
that killed your cousin.
And we here to collect the bounty.
Wait...
No fuckin' way these guys
could be the Phantomas, man.
They're like shadows, man.
They're like the boogeyman
and shit, you know?
- No, you're right.
- Good eye.
But what happened was
I was trying to get my cat.
- That's his cat.
- And his name is Keanu.
It's this cat right there!
Iglesias?
That's my cousin's cat.
They took him?
Who? Who?
Oh, shit.
Somebody's getting an ass whippin'.
- Let's go. Come on!
- Yeah!
God damn right, they had him.
- We did not have him.
- No.
No, no, no. There's no way, sir.
That cat just was found on his doorstep.
That cat's name is Keanu.
- I know because I named him.
- And has been his for months.
It's too much of a coincidence...
So, it was them?
Shit, yeah, it was them.
No! No, it was not us.
Do we got a deal or what?
Deal.
Deal. Why is it a deal?
Don't make the deal,
because we're not those guys.
Show them.
Give me a second before I kill you.
Oh, God!
Come on, man!
Why is everybody being hasty?
Get Iglesias.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
I was thinking I would hold on to the cat.
Okay. See, there's a problem with that,
because Iglesias belongs to my family.
I wanna give him to my aunt,
so she can have something
to remember my cousin by.
You know?
So, that's non-negotiable.
Deal breaker.
Deal breaker.
Don't think too long, kid.
Don't think too long.
Aight, Papi.
Look here, man.
Oh, God.
Bottom line is...
Light this bitch up!
Stitches!
You need help?
Nah!
Rell, Rell! Look, look!
They're communicating.
I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!
I got you!
Awesome!
I know. Yeah. Oh.
Hi-C!
Get the damn cat!
- Get the damn cat!
- Fuck!
No, Rell! Whoa!
Hey! You will die!
Then get my back.
Don't tell me you just tried to flip,
'cause you flopped, stupid!
Give me the cat.
- Give me the cat.
- No! Keanu!
Come on, Iglesias.
Who's going home?
Going home, home...
Rell... No! Why!
He's got Keanu!
Where'd he go?
Let's go.
I got you, Iglesias. Here we go. Okay.
Manny, open the car. Open the car.
I got Iglesias.
Go, go, go.
Where are you going?
- Your house!
- My house?
What are you doing?
What? Rell!
Rell, you can't drive!
Unbelievable. What...
- I'll shoot you!
- Oh, fuck!
You ain't gonna fuckin' shoot the driver!
What are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Yeah, motherfucker!
Oh, fuck! Look out!
I don't even know how to fuckin' drive!
I'm coming, Rell!
Oh, fuck!
Why did I grab a stick shift?
Whoa...
Oh, shit!
Fuck, yeah!
Oh, shit!
Oh...
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Oh, my God!
Okay, here he is.
You're not getting away from me!
Red light! Coming through the red light!
Yo!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, Rell! What are you doing?
Right now. Turn around.
Shit!
Fuck!
You okay, Keanu?
Why are we going through red lights?
I'm sorry! Sorry!
I can't fuckin' hear
what you're saying, bro!
Listen to me!
Oh, shit!
Oh!
That fuckin' hurts!
Okay, okay.
Keanu!
Come here.
Come here, Keanu.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
- You come here!
- Fuck!
I'ma punch you in the head.
Ah...
Oh...
- Yes! Yes!
- Get him off me!
Get that bitch, Keanu!
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Oh...
Fuck.
Fuck.
Oh...
Keanu!
Oh, man.
Of course you're alive.
What?
You got a-fuckin'-nother gun in your ass?
What?
Shit!
Who the fuck taught you how to drive,
you bad-driving bitch?
I don't drive.
He does.
- Oh...
- Whoo!
- That's my cousin!
- I got him!
Clarence, you did it, man!
Fuck, you did it, cuz!
That was so fuckin' badass!
Oh, thanks, man.
- I can't find Keanu!
- Keanu! Shit!
God, ow.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Trying to kill me with my kid's car!
No.
I'm unkillable.
What the fuck?
Blips was supposed to run this game, man.
We supposed to own this city.
And y'all fuckin' ruined it.
Y'all fucked everything up.
I lost my money.
I lost my cat.
I still gotta get mines, though.
The only way I know how.
Cheddar!
You're under arrest.
What?
Bitch, you ain't no fuckin' cop.
Oh, yes, I am a fuckin' cop.
Put your weapon down.
Now drop your weapons!
Trunk, drop it.
On the ground?
Yes, motherfucker, on the ground.
Stitches,
drop it.
Yeah.
Bud.
Not you, C.
You gonna kill me?
All this Bliptown family shit?
It's over.
Cheddar, you're under arrest.
Put your hands up.
I will shoot you.
Don't turn your back on me.
Fuck you, bitch!
Get your hands up!
- I'm a cop!
- Hands up!
- I'm a cop!
- Get on the ground!
Get on your knees.
Hands behind your head.
- Let me see 'em!
- Now!
On your knees!
Now! On your knees!
Keanu!
Go get him, Rell.
It's me. You all right?
Are you hurt? Are you hurt?
I love you.
We're gonna go home.
All right. We're good. We're gonna go.
What?
- Wait, no. Stay in the car!
- Why? What's going on?
Because there's a bunch
of dead people out here, that's why.
- Honey! You punched him in the face!
- Yeah.
You punched him in the face.
I need you to fuck me right now.
Okay. Stay in the car!
Right now. Stay in the car.
Oh, yes!
Well, this was a fuckin' mess.
Tell me about it.
Hey, I know you need this back.
He's keepin' his.
- Rell.
- You're doing good work.
We need to talk about
a few things before you go.
But first let me introduce you
to Officer Galloway
and Officer Dunn.
Oh, snap!
Right. You're alive.
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
I had a fantastic time.
That's weird.
Mmm-hmm.
- What about Anna Faris?
- Well, she's still alive.
We hire celebrities all the time
to help us with cases.
Like Shaq or Steven Seagal.
No shit.
I'm gonna let you two
talk about that other thing.
Mmm.
"That other thing"?
Ooh. I like the sound of that.
So, what, do you need me for some kind of
top-secret mission or something?
No. No top-secret missions goin' on.
But we need to talk about your behavior.
You know I just wanted my cat back.
I know. And you got him.
Keanu's a cutie.
Damn, Hi-C.
Parker. Trina Parker.
Trina Parker.
I kind of liked Hi-C.
Well, she kind of liked you, too.
Well... Ow.
Maybe we should go somewhere.
Maybe we should.
Right to jail.
Whoa...
Mmm-hmm.
That makes sense.
Broke a lot of laws, probably.
Don't worry. I'll testify on your behalf.
- Watch him for me?
- I will.
And just remember, Rell.
There's consequences to your actions.
Hey.
There's consequences to your actions
because you gonna be
in trouble in a second.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hold up. Yeah.
I'm gonna take you on a date.
- Okay.
- Ow. I'm shot in the leg. Ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
You ready to go, Keanu?
You're a cutie.
I can see why he did all of that for you.
Help!
Help me!
Help me!
Oh, thank God.
Yo, kill it! Kill it!
It hurts so bad, you don't even know.
Hasn't even
been that bad, really.
Clarence and I, having killed
the Allentown brothers
has us kind of lookin' like
crime heroes or somethin'.
We don't even have to
change our voice or anything.
Mostly it's just good to see you.
I love you, Keanu.
How much longer?
Three more weeks, baby.
That's it. 21 days.
And what are you gonna do to me?
I'm gonna take this moustache
and I'm just gonna go like...
Gonna rub it all over your neck.
- Moustache in here...
- I'm gonna put my 'stache
right in there. I'm just gonna...
Hey! Quit poundin' on the glass.
I'm sorry, sir. I apologize.
That's my wife, though.
That was a love pound.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for watching him.
No problem.
He's like one of the family.
I do have some news for you, though.
What?
I took Keanu to the vet.
He has a rare disease.
Oh, no.
He's gonna be a kitten forever.
What's going on, motherfuckers?
Okay. Let's do this.
Let's hold this shit down, guys.
I'm not fuckin' around.
You say somethin'?
Los Phantomas.
Oh!
Juan?
Luis?
Pablo!
Oh...
No, no, no, please!
No, no, no!
Look, there's money. Look at
all the drugs around you, man.
We could do business. We'll get you rich!
What are you doing? No.
Stop doing that. No, what are you...
No, no. Look, you got
all this money around, man.
No, no...
He's my kitten, Iglesias.
Please, please.
No, don't hurt him. Please.
No, no, no.
That's my baby, Iglesias. No, no.
He's a kitten, you know.
Everybody likes baby kittens.
Right?
You know, it's not so bad, yeah.
Please, no. Look, I'll go away.
I'll go away, please!
Please, no!
Freeze! Police!
Drop your weapon now!
Show me your hands now!
On the ground. Get on the ground!
Get on the ground now!
Call Rell.
Calling Rell.
Hey, cuz!
Oh, my gosh. You're alive, man.
How are you? How you doing?
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Are you okay?
Maisie broke up with me.
Yes! Finally.
Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.
What happened? Why?
I don't know.
She said my life wasn't going anywhere.
I mean, what the fuck does that even mean?
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna swing by right now.
No!
Clarence, I don't want you
to see me like this.
I look like Apollo Creed.
Which Rocky?
The one where he died.
Oh, boy. Okay. All right.
Hang on, I'm gonna be right there, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
Can I help you?
Hey.
Hey.
Here you go.
Go ahead. Drink some.
It's just milk.
I swear, look.
There.
You just drank it 'cause I drank it.
Oh, you're so hungry.
What?
Okay.
No, no, no, you need a bath.
All right, just stay there.
All right, we're gonna have to walk.
Rell, it's gonna be okay.
Now, I know you don't want to
hear this right now,
but everything happens for a reason.
You're right, Clarence.
Everything does happen for a reason.
I want you to meet
Keanu.
What?
No.
No.
Oh, my God!
That's the cutest cat
I've ever seen in my life.
Hello! I'm sorry, Keanu?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I think it means "cool breeze"
in Hawaiian.
Honey, I'm sorry
I can't come with you guys this weekend.
It's just I've got all that
stuff to do around the house.
I understand, honey. It's fine.
I got the low-flow toilet to put in.
I just want you to do me
a little favor this weekend.
- Yeah.
- I want you to try and relax.
Right. Got it. Absolutely.
What do you mean?
Well, sometimes you can be
a little wound up.
Wound up? How am I wound up?
You're not hearing me.
You're not hearing me.
You spend so much time
trying to be the person
- you think everyone wants you to be.
- Okay.
And I just want you to be Clarence.
Okay, great.
If that's what you want, then...
- But, see, that's what I'm saying.
- No, no, no.
I mean, that's what I want,
so that's what I'm gonna do.
Deep breath. Ready?
Just...
Ah!
Loosen up your shoulders.
And what's crack-a-lacking,
beautiful people?
Hey, Spencer.
Hannah. A vision, as always.
Oh, thank you.
- Give me that.
- Okay.
- Clarence. Give me some skin.
- Spencer.
You got it, brother.
That's all the skin you get.
Where's Belle?
Oh, honey, let me get her for you. Belle!
- Them's some pipes.
- Right.
Our daughters just can't get
enough of each other, huh?
I'm tellin' ya. Girls, right?
Raising girls is the best.
- I tell ya, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey. Here we go.
- Thanks.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe when you get back,
we can see that new
Shailene Woodley movie, huh?
Clarence, you're embarrassing me.
- My bad.
- She got ya. She got ya.
- There we go. There.
- Let's do it, kids.
Get your seatbelt on, young ladies.
Okay. We got this.
Oh, honey.
Really got to go, guys.
All right, sweetheart.
All right. Okay.
Uh, where's Micah?
Oh, well, unfortunately,
my beautiful bride sends her apologies.
She can't make it this weekend.
She's got food poisoning.
- Oh, no.
- Oh!
Yeah, poor thing. She was up all night
just projectile vomiting.
- Oh!
- And more.
You know.
I'll spare you the gritty details.
- Thanks.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.
And diarrhea is what I'm talking about.
- Right.
- Oh.
Great. So, no Micah, then?
No. No Micah this weekend.
That's okay. That's okay.
That's too bad. It's too bad. But, uh...
- It's fine.
- Okay. Well, yeah.
Take care.
- And have a good time.
- We will.
Oh, yep.
- Bye, honey.
- Drive safe. Bye, Belle.
Take care, guys! Have a great time!
Ah!
Here's kitty!
No, you don't want to go through there.
Look, you just want to
stay in there, okay?
She's just found your manuscript
and you're ferocious with that.
So, you're gonna stay right there. Yeah.
Rell?
Just find the space. In here!
Hey.
Wow, you're working again.
What is that?
- This is December.
- December?
Yeah, for the calendar.
I didn't tell you about
the calendar. Check it.
The calendar?
Oh!
- Well, this is amazing.
- Thanks.
You could make a bundle on this.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I'm not gonna sell it.
- Oh!
- It's for personal use only. And family.
Oh, well, thank you.
No, I wouldn't want to exploit
Keanu's cuteness like that.
Okay.
You have been very productive.
- I know, right?
- Um...
Yeah. You know what?
This movie's in about 20 minutes.
- Are you ready to go?
- Uh, yes, okay.
Come here, buddy.
Good job today, man. You did really good.
I'm gonna put Keanu in his little nook.
Oh, he has a nook?
Of course he has a nook.
Everyone has a nook.
Okay. Hey, buddy.
House meeting.
I'm nothing without you.
And at the same time,
I need you to clean up
your little area while I'm gone.
Is that cool?
- I'll see you soon.
- Okay. Good.
Uh, say goodbye.
You're coming with me.
Right, yeah, of course. I'm sorry.
Uh, goodbye, Keanu.
Cool.
Now, we'll talk about it later.
Okay. Bye. Hey.
Get that bitch!
Get her! Get her!
Get her! Yeah!
I'm psyched for this movie, man.
Is that a photo of you and Maisie?
Yeah. I mean, it was.
That was amazing!
Movie of the year!
That is, like, the best Liam Neesons movie
I've ever seen in my life.
- Best Liam Neesons movie ever.
- Hands down.
I'm, like, jacked up from that movie!
- All right, settle down. Settle down.
- Whoo!
What a way to start a weekend,
you know what I mean?
That's good, because now,
I've got all that "doing me"
stuff out of the way,
and now tomorrow, I can mow the lawn,
- I can get my bills done.
- Hey. Hey.
You don't think that going and seeing
a Liam Neesons movie with me right now
counts towards you doing you.
- What? That is me doing me.
- No.
I wanted to see that movie.
Hannah would never go see that with me.
It's just the beginning.
You have something else planned
for the rest of the weekend?
We're gonna go to my house, right now.
We're gonna smoke some weed.
No, Rell. Hannah would...
Will love it. Hannah will love it.
You don't know my wife very well.
I know her well enough
to know that she's a woman,
and women like bad boys.
Who are you to give me this advice?
Are you bad?
I mean, I'm not saying I roll up,
fuckin' with my AK, poppin' fools.
No, you're not rolling up,
because that would require
a driver's license,
- which you, as a grown man, do not have.
- Fair enough.
So, there will be
no rolling up with AK's or anything else.
But I don't have a driver's license
'cause I'm from New York City.
NYC, baby.
Where, yeah, the dudes
that kicked my ass...
- Yes?
- ...were bigger than the dudes
that kicked your ass, motherfucker.
I'm from Detroit.
Detroit public school system.
Impossible. Guaranteed
the guys who kicked my ass
were twice as big and scary as
the guys who kicked your ass.
- No way.
- Guaranteed.
- Fine. So...
- Guaranteed.
You have to get the last one.
Do it. I don't care.
I'm not getting into a...
No way.
What makes you think
I can't handle my business?
I've got it all on lock.
I'm good to go, drawg.
I'm good to go, dude.
George Michael is holding it down.
- See, you just grooved on it.
- I'm not saying...
You just went...
I'm not saying it's not a good song.
I'm saying we should be listening to this.
What are you doing? You all right?
What is that?
Yeah. Roll on, po-po.
I'm sorry, no.
You don't get to say,
"Roll on, po-po" like that
after you just smiled
and waved to the police.
He ain't want none, did he?
Rell, what does that mean?
Oh, snap. Is it raining?
Well, it's LA. It'll stop in a minute.
So, what? You're so hardcore,
you're just, like,
afraid of a little rain?
Why is your door open?
Keanu.
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Rell.
Rell!
I'm sorry.
No.
No!
I am so sorry, buddy.
No!
Listen, the cops are here now.
And they're gonna take care of it. Right.
They're professional.
They take this kind of stuff seriously.
Crimson Tide. Good one.
These are good. You take these?
- They're just pictures.
- Keep them.
Do you think there's any chance
you might find the guys who did this?
Hell no.
In most burglaries,
the guys are never caught.
Oh, um...
You know, there might be a chance.
I wish that I could be more help.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have
to take that blanket back.
Oh.
This sucks.
Are you sure he was stolen?
These guys don't usually take pets.
Usually they're after drugs
or something they can sell for drugs.
We'll keep an eye out for the cat.
Thank you very much.
Take care of each other.
See, now that's promising.
Maybe Keanu will come back,
or maybe he'll...
Rell?
Where are you going?
Hulka's house.
Who is Hulka?
My weed dealer.
What?
You live across the way
from your weed dealer?
Oh, sup, sup, bro?
Hey, Hulka. This is my cousin, Clarence.
- Hello.
- Sup?
All right, in or out.
Can't leave the door open,
you know what I'm sayin'?
And don't fuck up all this shit.
I'm building a motorcycle.
So, the reason I'm here...
- Okay, look...
- No.
This is the perfect
sativa-dominant hybrid strain.
It's called Spoonie Gee.
Great. This is all great.
I'm not here for any of that.
I'm here because my place got broken into.
Oh, shit, you serious?
Oh, man, that suck a thick donkey ball.
What'd they get?
They got Keanu.
- Oh, shit. The little guy?
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck, man. I'm sorry, bro.
Okay. So...
Thank you.
I got an anti-sadness strain in here.
- It's called Walking on Sunshine.
- No, no. I don't care.
No, I'm not here for weed, man.
I'm here just to ask you
some questions. Like,
has anyone shady come by here
in the last couple of days?
Well, I mean... Well, um...
You know, I run
a professional business here.
I never had a dissatisfied customer.
I don't know,
it's a real fucking quandary.
Maybe it's someone that
you're selling all of this marijuana to.
Yeah. Or maybe it was somebody who thought
they were breaking into your house?
Oh, yeah. Look, bro.
I be real with you, okay?
I'm so fucking high right now.
I'm not even sure you're real.
I'm just like, where am I?
Where did all these eels come from?
Oh, shit!
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Hulka!
Who the fuck would want to
break into your house?
The Blips.
Man, the Blips.
The Blips?
These are the guys that were kicked out
of the Bloods and the Crips.
The Blips.
Blood-Crips, Blips.
I've started getting into
selling some heavier shit,
and when you're selling the heavier shit,
turf becomes a thing. You know?
And so, yeah. I mean,
the 17th Street Blips,
they did tell me, you know,
they gonna break in and "fuck my shit up."
But... I mean, that's not,
like, concrete proof.
The 17th Street Blips.
Okay, where are they?
17th Street.
Be specific!
Dude, look! I get you lost your kitty-cat,
but y'all some dumb fucks if
you think I'm gonna be a rat.
I ain't some punk-ass bitch
who's gonna be intimidated by y'all nerds!
- You...
- Nerds...
Yeah, that's right! You a fuckin' nerd!
- What you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
Oh, shit! You fucking crazy?
No, not my De La!
Yeah, I got your De La now, bitch.
Hulka? Is everything okay?
Mom, not now!
Bro, no.
Oh, you fuck!
What's this?
No, no, no! Not Grandmaster.
Not Grandmaster, please!
Tell me!
Okay, okay! Dude's at a strip club
called Hot Party Vixens.
Okay? But this dude, their leader,
his name is Cheddar,
and he is a bad motherfucker.
You don't wanna mess with him.
Dude, you lost your cat.
You lost your cat.
Come on, Rell.
We'll figure something out in the morning.
It's not over.
All right, this is the place.
Hot Party Vixens.
HPV.
That's unfortunate.
Check it. We're going to approach the bar.
Then we are going to
explain the situation.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah.
See, you're talking about
explaining the situation.
Hulka said this is a crazy
drug dealer named Cheddar.
So?
What's so scary about "Cheddar"?
Cheddar is a psychopath name.
You only name yourself
something adorable if you can back it up.
- I don't think that's a thing.
- That's a thing.
If you meet a guy named
Fluffy Pink Bunny Head,
he will stab you in the eye.
I'm sure that this Cheddar guy
is gonna be reasonable about money.
And, if need be,
we will just buy Keanu back.
No, no. Not like that. Come on, just...
What, this?
- Yeah, pop the collar.
- Uh...
- Okay?
- Yeah.
It's what the kids are doing.
Not really.
But okay.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Wow!
God gave you one face.
Why would you change it?
Nope, Clarence.
I just don't understand that at all.
- No, no, no.
- No, what?
No, this was a bad idea.
Isn't your cat here?
We need to get the cat.
- Hey, baby.
- Hello, how do you do?
Oh, dear. Okay.
I'm, uh...
I'm flattered. Thank you.
But I am married.
No.
- Thank you.
- Oh...
You just took my wedding ring.
No, no, no. We're here,
we're here, you're good.
One beer, please.
I'll take a white wine...
Sir, that young lady just took
my wedding ring,
- so I'm wondering...
- It's all right.
- No, no. Clarence, Clarence, Clarence!
- Yeah.
You can't talk like that here.
- Okay?
- I can't talk like what?
You sound like Richard Pryor
doing an impression of a white guy.
I do not sound like Richard Pryor
doing an impression of a white guy.
"I do not sound like Richard Pryor
"doing an impression of a white guy."
You sound like John Ritter all the time.
Well, I beg to differ, nigga.
N-word. Went straight to the N-word.
- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- It's not authentic.
Because that's how
real people talk, Clarence.
No, it is not in my experience.
- It's not how people talk.
- Please, please, you're wrong.
You understand? People understand
the historical significance of that word,
and that you can't just say it
shiftlessly with no
responsibility whatsoever.
Absolutely wrong. 100% wrong.
Listen, this is life.
You listen to me. You don't shush me.
You niggas in the right place?
Yeah, we in the right place, nigga!
You in the right place, nigga?
Who the fuck are these niggas?
Who the fuck are we?
Who the fuck aren't we?
- Oh!
- Are you trying to die today?
Nah.
We ain't trying to die today.
Let me break it down right quick.
Y'all gonna take us to Cheddar,
and then we can start nailin'
down the hows and whens
and wherefores and...
Whys.
Did I not mention the whys?
The whys, too, motherfucker.
- Well, look here, homeboy.
- Yeah, dude.
You in Bliptown now,
and you don't make the rules.
Cheddar does.
And you don't meet Cheddar
until you meet me.
You feel me?
So who the fuck are you niggas?
Nigga...
Nigga, nigga...
- Psst. Tell her, man.
- Nigga...
I'm Techtonic.
- Nice!
- Thank you.
What about you?
My name is Shark Tank.
Well, look here,
Techtonic and Shark Tank.
Cheddar is a businessman.
He don't take drop-bys.
You think we don't mean business?
And swam.
Why don't you search 'em, Bud?
Go on ahead, Bud.
These niggas not strapped.
- Come on.
- Yeah, let's come on, then.
What's up, motherfucker?
What?
Chill. Hey, yo, Cheddar.
You'll get it next time, boss.
Hi-C.
The fuck is this?
I'm Techtonic.
Sup, Cheddar? Finally.
- He's Shark...
- The king pimp himself.
Shark Tank.
Yeah, I mean, we've been looking
forward to this, dawg. Ha-ha!
Talkin' about the H-N-I-C.
My man.
All right.
Yeah.
You know, I got a lot of enemies
that would love to walk in this room
and put a bullet hole in old Cheddar.
Hey!
We ain't got no beef with you, Cheddar.
No? How about now, nigga?
That's a nice piece.
You should keep the safety on.
You know what? I get it.
Hi-C, what the fuck is this, huh?
You bring me a couple of bitch-ass niggas
as a joke, right?
- What?
- Us? Uh, no.
I'm sorry, bitch-ass niggas?
Am I right, Tech?
It's been a long-ass time
since we heard that.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, nigga.
We killed 25 dudes this month, man.
So, if y'all so fuckin' real,
why ain't I never seent you before?
- Well...
- Oh!
That's because...
I don't know,
maybe we didn't wanna be seent.
Wait a minute.
Y'all them Allentown niggas, ain't you?
- Us? Yes.
- Nah.
- Yes, Techtonic.
- Yeah, what?
Nigga, yes, we them Allentown niggas.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
This nigga acting like
- he got amnesia up here, fucking around.
- Crazy.
Shit.
Why didn't y'all say something
earlier, man?
We was tryin' to stay incognito.
You gotta keep 'em on their toes!
Oh, damn.
Why don't y'all come over here,
have a seat so we can talk?
Okay, yeah.
You know, uh...
I heard how it went down
at King Diaz's church.
That was some cold shit.
You know, man, that's how we do.
You know, we gots to do, how we do.
Oh, damn!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about her, man.
That's Montana.
All right.
Hey, man, you know,
as much as I love snakes,
I think we need to go
to the bathroom real quick
and drain ours.
Well played, yep. That's what
we should do. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, look who's up from their nap.
Hey.
Cute cat.
Uh, yeah. This is my nigga,
New Jack, right here, man.
Yup. Hey, but, look,
before y'all go run off
and do your little tinkle...
Where'd you get him?
Seems to me,
no stupid-ass nigga in his right mind
would let a cat like that go willy-nilly.
The fuck?
How much you want for him?
He serious?
Actually, he is, man.
We in the market right now
for a gangsta pet, so...
Oh, well, he ain't for sale.
Everything has a price.
At a pet store.
But this ain't no motherfucking
pet store, nigga.
Well, that's a shame.
Um...
Thank you for sharing your time.
I said,
everything has its price.
Well, shit. I mean, damn.
Y'all drive a hard-ass bargain.
All right. Hey.
I'll be right back, pimpin'.
I wanna show y'all something. Come on.
Come on.
I don't know if y'all know
what we slinging these days.
Holy Shit.
Holy shit, indeed.
Nah, man.
That's what it's called, man. Holy Shit.
Only you ain't heard of it yet
because it's new.
And we the only ones that got it in LA.
What you're looking at
is a cross between PCP,
MDMA and DMT.
I mean...
One puff of this, and holy shit!
It's like you...
Smokin' crack with God.
So, uh, maybe y'all can accompany
these fools on a run.
You know, show 'em how y'all
get down over in Allentown.
Well, you know, actually, though, um...
- Like a run, run?
- Yeah.
You do that,
I'll give you New Jack
as a gesture of respect.
Wow. But, unfortunately, we...
Deal.
Deal. Y'all hear that?
They gonna shadow you.
So you make sure you listen to
every word they say
and you take it as gospel, you understand?
But right quick, though,
right quick, though,
Cheddar, seriously, man.
I just was thinking about
what's been going on.
As recently, our docket is full, nigga...
And at the same time, Cheddar,
if I can get a moment
to discuss with my colleague.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, now!
It doesn't have to be that hard.
I will not sell drugs.
I can't sell drugs, Rell.
This was your idea.
You were the one that wanted
to come here, man.
All right, listen.
You were the one who said
we were the Allentown niggas.
I am not breaking the law.
It's easy. It's easy, though. It's easy!
- What's easy?
- I've seen Hulka do this.
He just stands there. People want drugs.
We just feed them some
bullshit about New Jack City,
and we just get Keanu.
I'm not jeopardizing my family
by selling drugs, okay?
- Or...
- Or?
- Maybe you'll like it.
- What?
Maybe you'll like
being a bad motherfucker.
No, no.
- You're good at it.
- What?
And it's just team building.
This is what you do.
I don't do team building for drug rings.
I do it for corporate...
- Ever hear of corporate crime?
- That's not...
- Y'all ready?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Good. Let's go.
You ready, Shark Tank?
Yeah.
I'm fuckin' ready, Techtonic.
Sup, sup?
Finders keepers, yo.
Hey, keep your distance, yo.
No, no, no. Know what I'm saying?
No, don't shut that door. No, no, no.
I'm about to leave, anyway, so...
All right, y'all.
Gather 'round and whatnot.
So, seriously, what's gonna happen now
before we get on this job,
it's time for us to all
get to know each other
a little bit better.
We gonna go in a circle, first of all,
and everyone gonna say their name
and then two things about yourself.
For instance.
My name is Shark Tank.
And I ran hurdles in high school.
And I like to hold my gun like this.
So, that's me.
I'm Techtonic.
- I once shot two dudes with one bullet.
- Blam.
And I went to a exclusive,
early screening of
The Blair Witch Project.
- You did?
- Yeah.
I did not know that. See?
That was before we even knew
if it was real or not.
That's right. People thought
that shit was real.
Go on, nigga.
I'm Bud.
And I got into gang bangin'
after I got stabbed by my moms.
I'm gonna need two things, though.
And my grandma.
Well, you know, them family reunions
get crazy sometimes, man.
Thanks for sharing, brother.
Whassup? I'm Trunk.
I got a knock-out left hook.
Mmm-hmm.
I got my name
because I accidentally locked
my car keys in my trunk once.
- It happens to the best of us, dawg.
- With a dead body.
Okay.
Yeah, well, you know,
Trunk is a better name than Dead Body.
Let's move on. What about you?
Yeah.
Stitches.
And?
Two things about yourself?
Nah, nigga.
Okay, you know what, Shark Tank?
I think, in his own way,
Stitches did share something
about hisself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We should move on.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm Hi-C.
First off, uh, I don't like
niggas I don't know.
Second, I'm real curious
about what exactly went down
at the Diaz church massacre.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Now we all know things about each other.
So, let's knock this job out real quick.
Was it really like the word on the street?
What was the word on the streets?
Blood bath. Hundred executions.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, at least 100.
Hundred, 101.
And you ran up the wall
and did a back flip,
and came down
and was still shooting niggas.
Mmm.
Damn straight. Did that, too.
Well, show us.
- Hmm?
- Show us!
- The flip, hmm?
- Yeah.
- I think we'd all like to see that.
- Um...
All right, let me explain
somethin' to y'all real quick.
It ain't gonna be like you think.
Cheddar already told y'all,
we ain't here...
Oh!
Damn, nigga! You see that shit?
He did it. He flipped it?
He flipped it.
Bring it in right here, homie.
Whoo! All right!
It's like black Jesus up in here.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God!
I just did a flip. Oh, my God!
Shit! That shit is crazy.
So next time we tell y'all
we did somethin',
take our word that we did somethin'.
- Now let's see you do it.
- Yeah.
- What?
- Sorry?
Your turn, nigga.
Only he's flippin' today.
Only I'm flippin' today, y'all.
We alternate flip days.
Okay, today's the day
where I'm gonna be doin' all the flips.
Y'all ain't gonna see him flip today.
I'll flip the fuck
outta that shit tomorrow.
Ooh, yeah!
Hey!
Let's flip the subject
and go flip some Holy Shit.
- Okay?
- Hells yeah, dirt.
- Let's take care of that.
- Exactly.
Yo, everybody won't fit into my car.
My brothers. My brothers.
Come on, just tell me
what you want from me.
Look, take anything. It's all yours, okay?
Okay? Hey, y'all like weed?
Just untie me, I'll go get it for you.
Fuck! No!
No! Come on! I didn't do shit!
I wouldn't...
Oh, shit.
I'm the fuckin' cat, aren't I?
That's what you're gonna do to me.
I ain't scared.
The cat? The cat...
You're looking for Keanu?
The cat's at Hot Party Vixens.
You know, that strip club downtown.
You guys, don't kill me.
I fuckin' know everything about hip-hop.
Yo, Shark, no disrespecting, now, man,
but why you drive this weak-ass van?
You wanna get caught,
go ahead, drive a little drug car.
But you wanna never get pulled over again,
you drive a inconspicuous family vehicle.
Inconspicuous, least hardcore,
motherfuckin' soccer mom,
Full House thing.
Where we goin' again?
Just head towards the Hollywood Hills.
I'll guide you from there.
Wordness to the turdness.
Here we are.
You comin'?
Nah.
You got this.
Nah. Fuck that. You comin' with.
Cheddar said you was gonna
show me how to do this.
Yeah, go ahead, Techtonic.
I'ma show these guys how to keep watch.
Thank you, Shark Tank.
You're more than welcome, nigga.
Come on. We gotta
get this over with, man.
Don't worry about it, baby.
Ain't no thang.
Ain't no thang.
Watch and learn.
Hi!
Ah! Yay! You guys are here!
Oh, finally!
What's up?
Somebody order some drugs?
Yes! Oh, my God!
I was just telling these guys
about this job that I did in
Paris for a couple of months,
and this guy, he let me
smoke some of this stuff.
And I swear to God, this drug is insane.
And the beauty is,
every trip is different!
Ha! Can I please see it?
Ooh. Backpack. Backpack.
Got a neat little backpack.
Yes!
Oh, my God, yes!
Come on, please, please, please! Come sit.
Have a drink. Sit down!
Sorry, we just want to see the money.
You see, Donnie,
some people don't respect the game.
What game?
Life!
Life is a fuckin' game!
And the only real question is,
who are the players
and who are the pieces?
Come on, you guys.
Let's smoke some Holy Shit.
No, no, no.
Thought I made myself clear.
We're not interested.
Man, fuck!
Let's get some tunes
goin' in this motherfucker.
- Something, man.
- Tunes, man, yeah.
Fuck, yeah. Let's see what we got here.
- I know you got some killer shit.
- Actually, no, we...
What? Yo.
Yo, Shark Tank, my nigga.
Um...
What the fuck is this?
Oh...
Shit, niggas!
This my shit right here!
This your shit?
This shit sound kinda white.
- White? White?
- Yeah.
Niggas, this is
George Michael, right here.
All right? This one of the greatest
recording artists of all time, man.
This the real OG up in here.
So,
he black, then?
You know, he light-skinned.
And then, he used to roll
with this nigga, Ridgeley.
Yeah.
And then, George Michael
was trying to do that solo thing, right?
And then, wham!
Then nobody never see Ridgeley ever again.
He killed the motherfucker?
Nobody
ever
seen
him
again.
Shit.
I'll fuck with that nigga.
I'll fuck with him.
- Hey, hey, y'all.
- If he start that shit.
Wait till y'all hear
this next track, though, dirt.
You know,
in samurai times,
a refusal
to sit at a man's court
was considered a profound
insult to his honor.
Ha! I'm just fucking with you!
You should have seen your face.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that was amazing.
Mmm.
Crazy.
Whoo!
The man asked for the money.
Yeah.
Rachel, get the bag.
I'm not your slave.
Get the fucking bag!
Ooh!
I loved you in
The House Bunny, by the way.
- Thank you, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know this chick?
It's Anna Faris, the actress.
She's in movies?
Lost in Translation?
Chipwrecked? The Squeakquel?
Scary Movie?
Oh... You in that movie?
Scary Movie 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Not 5. Too old.
Hmm.
But, enough! Enough! Enough!
No more Hollywood talk.
I'm so sick of this bullshit.
- Yeah.
- All I care about
is truth.
Or dare.
Truth or dare!
Yo, that chorus
do kick in nice, though.
It does, don't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean,
y'all hear the father figure part, right?
Because, my man right here,
he didn't have his own
positive male role model in his life.
So...
Damn!
Yo, I never knew my daddy.
- Really?
- No.
Man, George Michael the shit, man!
- Right, dawg?
- Right on, man.
Love that man.
Truth.
What is
the dirtiest, most fucked-up
thing you've ever done?
Mmm...
You know, you don't have to...
This dude cheated on my sister
and I cut his dick off.
Oh... Uh...
Fuck, yeah!
That is the kind of shit
you should get paid for.
Thank you.
Okay, your turn, same question.
Most fucked-up?
I once cut two dicks off.
Yeah, that's right.
They didn't even see it coming.
Snuck up on them.
Got real close.
One of them was long, thin, pointy,
like a pencil.
The other one was short, girthy.
Had a little bit of heft to it.
Got up in there lickety-split,
snip, snip, yeah.
I took them, too.
So, yeah, I'm a motherfuckin' dick-taker.
300 for the dick-taker.
Okay.
- So, Allentown...
- What? Nigga, fuck, what? Nigga.
Tell me about it, man. Was it crazy?
Surely should have been.
Was it...
Hells bells, hold on
to your shells, nigga.
Shit was crazy, shit was crazy.
We was just dodging bullets
on a everyday basis.
You know, just for survival.
But, you know, the thing
about me and Techtonic,
is our communication skills.
That's the backbone of our teamwork.
- You feel me?
- Yeah.
I get that.
All right.
- You know what?
- Mmm.
I never told y'all niggas how I got this.
A kid stabbed me
'cause I stole his Ring Pop.
That's awful, man.
How old were you?
Twenty-three.
Oh. Okay. Well...
Yeah, thank you for sharing, though.
That felt good.
I got one, too. Check it out.
Okay, yeah. Let's see that.
Buckshot.
Holding up a liquor store.
Oh, man.
And then he shot you, man. That's crazy.
Nah, actually, it made the news,
and when I got back to my
grandmamma house, she shot me.
Okay, you know, you need to spend
a little less time with your family.
I'm gonna advise that.
- Hell, yeah.
- So, what you got?
- Me? Oh, okay, let me, um...
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on, man.
You got a bunch of shit, man.
- Here it is.
- You ain't gotta be modest.
A damn-ass street fight.
Appendix.
Blam...
Your appendix?
- They took it out of my body.
- What?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Y'all don't even want to hear about
what went down with my wisdom teeth.
- Shit.
- Damn.
Truth or dare?
Dare.
Why would you choose dare?
Hmm...
I dare you
to shoot your friend.
You jokin'.
She's jokin'.
You know she's jokin', right?
I'm not joking.
That's $10,000.
What?
Hey.
Show us what it looks like
to see a man's brains explode.
Hey.
Fuck it! He ain't my friend.
Hey! Fuck. Yo, Hi-C!
Don't let white girl tear us apart, Hi-C.
This is fuckin' black-on-black violence.
This is how it happens.
Don't fuckin'
let Anna Faris tear us apart!
Yes, come on.
Show us what death looks like.
Come on.
Do it. Do it, do it, do it.
Do it, do it, do it.
Do it, do it.
Do it!
Fuck that!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Get it, then!
- What?
- Get the cash, motherfucker!
You broke my nose!
Look, look, look!
You fucking peasant!
Crazy bitch!
Bring your ass here, little Wendy!
Come on. Let's go!
Move!
Get in the back!
Move it!
Drive!
I gotta start the car.
You good?
Come on. Drive!
I said drive, motherfucker!
I'm going, I'm going.
- Seat belts and shit!
- Come on, y'all.
What the fuck is y'all singing?
George Michael.
Shit, don't break the goddamn van.
- Oh, Stitches!
- No, no.
You ain't gonna hit nobody.
Oh, there it goes!
We still got this party shit
- goin' on later or what?
- Yeah.
We're going
downstairs in a second.
Don't even worry about that.
About time you passed that shit, eh?
Here's the thing, man. I was, like...
Just say some... Yeah, dawg?
Shark Tank, can I catch
your ear for a second?
All right, dawg!
To be continued, y'all.
All right.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, Stitches.
Nah!
I gotta tell you, man,
I'm having an amazing time,
and these are not bad people.
Clarence, Clarence, they're bad people.
- No, no...
- They're very, very bad.
Okay. They're drug dealers,
and I get all of that...
Listen to me. Listen to me.
- In the mansion, earlier...
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey! Shark!
Shark Tank! Come here!
Shut the fuck up, nigga.
Dumb motherfucker.
Okay. We'll just have
a couple more drinks,
and then we'll just go see
where Cheddar's at, right?
I never get to go out. I never go out.
I am doing something that Hannah asked.
This is for my marriage.
These drinks are for my marriage.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I cannot tell you how much
I appreciate that. All right.
Shark, you better hurry up!
Listen up, niggas.
We about to be out this motherfucker.
- Oh!
- You good?
You got me on that one.
You good, though?
Yeah, I'm good.
You good?
Yeah. I'm good.
Shit got crazy back there, huh?
You ain't never seen
nobody get killed before?
Me?
Yeah, I've seen people get killed before,
by me.
I was just trying to say that,
usually in Allentown,
we handle our business
a little bit more professionally.
Mmm-hmm. Okay.
You, uh...
You ever think about gettin' out the game?
No.
That's a shame.
I would imagine that
it's a tough job for a woman to be here.
Not that you can't,
because a woman can do
anything a man can do, but...
Yeah.
You think if I get out the game,
niggas gonna stop thinkin'
they own bitches?
Well, I'm not like that.
You're not?
Nah.
I bet you, out there somewhere
there's a non-gangster motherfucker
that'd be real lucky to have you.
I mean...
You look kind of like
the female lion in The Lion King.
Nala.
That's crazy that you say that,
because it's, like, my favorite cartoon.
- Really?
- Yeah, and I'm a Leo.
That's crazy how you knew that.
You must be psychic or somethin'.
Wow.
You don't want to get mixed up
with a dude like me.
I'm a wanderer.
Oh, you gay.
- No.
- Yeah.
Why you think I'm gay, though?
I'm just messing with you, man.
I know you not gay.
How do you know?
I could tell you like girls.
Good.
I wanna thank you for earlier.
Really?
Like, for what?
For helping me kill those people.
Yeah. Well, I...
No. No. I...
I ain't help you kill them people.
You did that on your own.
It's kind of like we killed them together.
Nah, I think it's more like
you murdered them on your own.
Mmm. But I couldn't have
done it without you.
Agree to disagree with that one.
We killed them together.
Well, legally speaking,
I did not help you.
Mmm...
You all right?
I didn't...
You was kind of close.
Yeah.
Got my trick knee.
Why don't we go ahead
and finish this downstairs?
Mmm-hmm. You wanna... I go first.
Yeah. Go on.
Come on, y'all.
Let's go to this party, man.
- Hell, yeah.
- You heard her, y'all.
Niggas is in here caking and shit.
Allentown!
Whoo!
Excuse me. Can I come
through here for a second?
Excuse me!
- Hey!
- Hey, hey!
We said one drink!
Hey, but we're turning it out, man!
It's not "turn out," it's "turn up"!
And it's time to turn down, man!
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Okay. I see what's going on.
You're just mad
because they like Shark Tank
more than they like Techtonic!
What? No, no!
I'm sorry.
I just have a lot of personality.
I don't know what to tell you, brother.
- What?
- What?
First of all, I don't care
if they like Shark Tank
more than Techtonic.
They're murderers!
All right.
Second of all, no, they don't!
Yo, Tank!
What up?
Nah!
Yo, nigga, you aight?
Word to Big Bird I'm aight, dawg. Blam!
Aight, man.
Hey, Stitches, man.
Let me show you how we
smoke weed in Allentown.
Aight.
That's my boy, right there.
He know how to do it right.
- Yo, Shark Tank!
- Yeah, dawg?
Your turn, my nigga!
Well, you know,
I'm more one of them
pipe-smokin' niggas, you know.
You say a pipe?
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much, sir. Thank you. Yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Gonna heat it up. Heat it on up.
Ooh. It's gonna be delicious.
Yeah.
Yo, I almost forgot.
Just got this done out back.
Oh...
- Shit!
- Shit!
That's actually the best tattoo
I've ever seen in my life!
Me, too, man. Me, too.
You want some, dawg?
Nah. I don't fuck with that Holy Shit.
Yo, you all right?
- Hey, man.
- Help him!
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Holy shit.
Shit!
Holy shit!
All right. You doin' all right, right?
Holy shit.
I think maybe we should go,
like, lay down somewhere.
Yo, nigga, you floatin'!
Am I in Heaven?
You're George Michael.
You're George Michael, man.
No. That's my favorite fucking song.
That's it. I like when you do that...
That thing. That leg thing. That's my jam.
Oh, no, I can't.
There's no way I can spin.
No, I can't do it.
What? Oh... There it is.
Oh, it's so good.
George.
I have faith.
Hello?
Oh.
Hello, Clarence. It's me,
Keanu.
Meow.
Wait.
Are you...
Keanu Reeves?
Yeah.
I'm your spirit teacher.
People can't be excellent to you
unless you're being excellent to yourself.
I don't understand. What does that mean?
Clarence,
it's time to wake up.
Where you go from there
is a choice I leave to you.
Oh. Right.
The Matrix.
Dude, all you need to remember is...
Oh...
I get it.
Oh, let me get a picture...
Hannah!
Hi!
Hannah! Baby.
Hi, baby.
Oh, I miss you so much, baby.
How are you?
Not good.
Wait, where are you?
Oh, God. Oh... Huh?
What? No. I'm just out with Rell.
I'm doing me!
- Are you at a club?
- Yeah.
In fact, it's of the strip club variety,
and I've never done that,
and I'm just having some
really rugged fun, you know?
So, you're at a strip club
having rugged fun.
Yeah. No, it's not like that.
It's not about the degrading
of women or anything.
I'm here for a very specific reason.
And... No, that didn't sound right.
I'm sorry.
It's complicated.
I'll explain it to you tomorrow.
But it's all good. It's nothing bad.
Okay. Okay. Whatever.
But, baby...
This is what you said you wanted, right?
You said to have fun.
Whatever, Clarence. Whatever.
I just didn't think that
being in a strip club was your thing.
Yeah, well, you know... Shit. I mean...
What'd you think my idea
of fun was, right?
It ain't like my fuckin'
lifestyle is some secret.
Why are you talking to me like that?
- See about it, then.
- What?
I said, why are you
talking to me like that?
I've never heard you
talk to me like that before.
I mean... I talk like that sometimes.
Yeah. All right. Okay.
Wait, what's wrong?
This is what you asked for, right?
Fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I didn't want to ruin your weekend.
I just want you to know
that Spencer's been
a little inappropriate,
and I'm coming home tomorrow morning
instead of tomorrow night.
Inappropriate?
Spencer was inappropriate how?
Let's just say
he made me uncomfortable.
I can't get into it right now.
Baby, I gotta go.
You better behave yourself, too. Bye.
No, Hannah, please
don't hang up the phone.
Can you just explain to me
what's going on right now?
Hannah!
Hannah!
Yo, this party is crazy!
Oh.
Hey.
You aight?
Yeah, nigga. Yeah.
You know, just side bitch.
Word, uh...
Well, Cheddar wants to holla at you.
Cool, yeah.
I'll let him know you're coming.
So, uh...
Hi-C tells me
y'all some bad motherfuckers.
Even taught my goons some new tricks.
Yeah, we taught them
how we do things in Allentown.
Yeah, well, um...
I got a big exchange tomorrow. I need you.
Help keep shit 100.
You know what I'm saying?
After that,
- New Jack here is yours.
- Um...
I think we'd prefer to stick
to the original arrangement.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, I see.
Driving up the price.
Okay, 10 G's plus New Jack.
Nah.
Cheddar.
We just want the cat.
Shark Tank and I,
we getting a little sleepy.
Sleepy?
Hell, yeah, nigga, we sleepy.
And when them Allentown niggas get tired,
we gotta catch some Z's,
or else Allentown niggas get cranky.
Straight up.
Now, I know y'all ain't
gonna turn down 20 G's.
I mean, shit.
That's a lot of money even by
Allentown standards, right?
Well...
Let me tell you about Allentown standards.
By Allentown standards,
when a nigga make a deal,
a nigga make a goddamn deal.
Ooh... Shark...
And didn't nobody say nothing
about no exchange tomorrow.
So, let me tell you
how it's gonna go down.
You gonna give us our goddamn cat,
and we gonna be on our
goddamn way, Spencer!
Uh, Cheddar.
Take pimpin' upstairs
to the office for me.
- Give him some of that catnip he like.
- Mmm-hmm.
You know, um,
maybe, just maybe,
just take a little time
to think about my offer.
We don't need time. We need...
Time is good.
We need some time. You need some time.
We'll take some. You take some.
You do it here. We'll do it over here.
- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?
This motherfucker trying to side wind us.
What the fuck are you doing, Tech?
I'm not Tech. I'm not Tech.
I'm Rell. Clarence.
Well, I was staying in character.
What are you, Daniel Day-Lewis
all of a sudden? Come on, man!
Look, I spoke to Hannah on the phone,
- and she said that Spencer did something.
- What?
She wouldn't tell me, man. She hung up!
Okay...
It can't be that bad if she didn't say.
You almost got us killed, man, okay?
Look, Keanu needs you.
I need you. I need you.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Okay. Then come on.
Okay. I'm good. I'm good.
All right. Let's get Keanu.
Let's get out of here.
Yes.
Watch the door. Keanu!
Keanu!
I said I was gonna take care of you.
And I failed.
But I'm here now.
Get that off you.
I'm here for you, buddy.
I love you.
Okay.
All right, go, go, go. Just walk.
I see. I get it now,
because when I stand up for myself,
that means I'm standing up
for Hannah and Belle,
and when I don't stand up for myself,
I'm not standing up for them.
Clarence, you can keep on talking,
but just know, I think we just won.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Gosh, that was so weird, wasn't it?
I mean, we just walked right out of there.
Biscuits.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Oh... Fuck me.
What?
Oh, you know what?
Guess you don't know who you messing with
because you being
crazy disrespectful right now.
Hey! If you fucking touch
one hair on my cat's head,
I will kill you!
- Help!
- Never mind.
Okay, yes, yes.
Putting them down. Putting the guns down.
Yes, that's good.
Yes, thank you, thank you!
- Hey.
- Thank you.
- They like Keanu.
- That's good.
We do, too.
We like Keanu as well.
Everybody here seems to like Keanu,
so we can agree on that, right, guys?
Hey, we're fun dudes. We're friends!
Please!
What do you want from us?
- Oh, God!
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God. Are those tiny penises?
No!
Please, Lord, let those be fingers.
They're fucking fingers, man.
They're fucking fingers.
Oh, my God!
Hey! Listen, if you let us go,
I might be able to get you visitor passes
to a meeting of the Senate
Foreign Relations Committee
if they're not in a closed session!
Oh, my gosh!
That just worked.
I don't fucking know how that worked.
I have a friend.
I have a friend.
A friend of mine went to grade
school with the speechwriter
for John Kerry, a former
presidential candidate.
Oh, my God. I think this is working.
- No.
- Why would this be working?
I think that they
are going to murder us to death!
Oh, my God!
Lord save me now, please!
Oh, fuck.
Keanu.
No! What is that one?
- Why are you doing this?
- Buddy...
Gentlemen, please,
why can't we just talk about this?
Can't we just...
Okay, ready?
Just take a deep breath...
Get that bitch!
Get that bitch!
Get that bitch.
Yeah, get that bitch!
Get that, bitch!
No, not the fucking knife.
Man.
I'm saying...
I don't know what I'm saying.
I don't know... Wait, wait, wait.
I think we're gonna need more time.
Just give us a little bit more time.
Sir, I'm begging you, please.
Think about, dig in to
yourselves, into your souls.
Why would you have to
do something like this?
Please, no.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I got you!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, Rell.
- Back up!
- Thank you, God, for this!
Back up!
Okay. Yes. We gotcha!
Fucking got you, motherfucker!
Just don't move, all right?
We're gonna take our cat,
and we're gonna be on our way!
- If you don't mind.
- Keanu!
- Keanu!
- Keanu!
Keanu!
Keanu!
Drop the fucking... Hey, back up!
What are you doing? Stop moving forward!
Stop walking!
Stop walking toward us!
Stay right there!
Why are you walking toward us?
Why are you walking toward us?
Hey, knock it off! Knock it off!
We will fire these guns and
shoot bullets into your body.
Count of three.
We gotta fucking shoot them.
I can't shoot them!
I will not kill somebody.
- Clarence, we gotta do it!
- I cannot do it!
Okay, one...
I said the count of three.
I know. I'm sorry.
- I said the count of three.
- I heard you say...
- Yeah.
- I heard it. Oh, my God!
We've killed people!
Why "we"?
Why "we"? No, you did it!
- What, no!
- I didn't shoot anybody.
Okay.
Okay, we just murdered those people.
- That's okay. All right.
- Okay.
- We should go. We should go.
- Ah...
Keanu!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Oh, God.
Uh... Kitty, kitty!
Keanu!
Thought y'all motherfuckers was dead.
Didn't say goodbye or nothing.
Oh, and my cat, New Jack?
The one I would never give up
to two niggas like y'all?
He was gone, too.
And now I see that you are, in fact,
holding that nigga New Jack as we speak.
Hi-C,
get my cat.
Hey, hey, you two!
What's that?
That?
That's just a nigga in the trunk, man.
What you think?
Because that's
how we roll, motherfucker.
That's our car.
We be putting niggas
in this trunk all the time.
This the last day this
motherfucker's alive, man.
Oh, shit! Don't kill me!
- Oh, shit.
- What?
Oh, Rell!
Rell's cousin! Fuck!
Make sure you got your keys.
Here's the deal, man.
This nigga right here? He stole your cat.
That's him.
We just got your cat back for you.
That is a hurtful lie!
Yo, Cheddar.
That's Hulka.
That's whose apartment that Trunk and Bud
stole the cat from.
He probably tryin' to steal him back.
Yo, it wasn't my place!
It was their place!
- There you go.
- That's what happened.
Your girl know what's up.
Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
You don't need to...
Cheddar. Look,
I don't even know if you remember this.
I met you at the club once. Hulka. Hulka.
Look, come on, man...
Kill this motherfucker.
- What? No! Come on, man!
- Kill him?
Like, end his life so
the motherfucker expires?
Take the soul out of his body?
But we can't do that,
and I'll tell you why.
Because we don't have a gun.
- We ain't got no guns.
- That's why.
This...
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.
- Thanks for the gun.
- I really appreciate it.
You looking out, and that's why
I respect you, Cheddar.
That was
efficient as fuck. Um...
Hey, you know what, Techtonic?
What's that?
Do the honors, dawg.
You one considerate motherfucker.
- I do what I can, dirt.
- Just do it!
No, no, please don't!
Don't kill me. Don't shoot me!
I don't want to die.
Come on, I just want to build motorcycles,
and be a stunt man in my spare time, yo!
Oh, God, I didn't want this.
Rell, Rell.
Come on, bro.
Fucking do it.
Can't do it!
And you have many more guns than I do.
So, I give you this one.
Y'all ain't from fuckin' Allentown.
Fuckin' knew it.
In a sense,
aren't we all from Allentown?
George Michael is
a real nigga, though, right?
He's not black. I lied about that.
He is not black, and I apologize.
Nah!
And he probably
had a fuckin' father figure
the whole fuckin' time.
I can't speak to that.
I don't know the man personally.
Bitch, shut the fuck up!
You don't get to talk!
Y'all talk too damn much.
- I don't talk that much.
- What?
Take this nigga out.
No! Please!
Not in front of us.
Please, not in front of us.
Oh.
Just taking me out from the trunk?
Oh, thank you.
And put him in our trunk.
Aw, man.
Okay. Okay.
Well, anything better
than being shot, you heard?
Right? Oh, I stand corrected! No, no, no!
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
Oh, this is fucking gross!
Oh, this is fuckin'...
Motherfucker!
- So, my name is Rell.
- And I am Clarence.
Look.
You two morons is coming with us.
Allentown or not, y'all gonna
be my Allentown niggas today.
You do anything stupid,
and you're fuckin' dead.
- Okay.
- Yep.
That goes without saying at this point.
That gun is so close to my head.
Is that necessary?
Welcome to my home, guys. How you doing?
Anything? Beer, wine, liquor, girls?
Videogames?
No?
Bacon Diaz.
I heard you had a baller crib,
but this is practically
Neverland fuckin' Ranch out here.
Thank you. Thanks.
Who the fuck is...
That's them.
That's them?
The Allentown niggas.
Los Phantomas?
Yep. They the ones
that killed your cousin.
And we here to collect the bounty.
Wait...
No fuckin' way these guys
could be the Phantomas, man.
They're like shadows, man.
They're like the boogeyman
and shit, you know?
- No, you're right.
- Good eye.
But what happened was
I was trying to get my cat.
- That's his cat.
- And his name is Keanu.
It's this cat right there!
Iglesias?
That's my cousin's cat.
They took him?
Who? Who?
Oh, shit.
Somebody's getting an ass whippin'.
- Let's go. Come on!
- Yeah!
God damn right, they had him.
- We did not have him.
- No.
No, no, no. There's no way, sir.
That cat just was found on his doorstep.
That cat's name is Keanu.
- I know because I named him.
- And has been his for months.
It's too much of a coincidence...
So, it was them?
Shit, yeah, it was them.
No! No, it was not us.
Do we got a deal or what?
Deal.
Deal. Why is it a deal?
Don't make the deal,
because we're not those guys.
Show them.
Give me a second before I kill you.
Oh, God!
Come on, man!
Why is everybody being hasty?
Get Iglesias.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
I was thinking I would hold on to the cat.
Okay. See, there's a problem with that,
because Iglesias belongs to my family.
I wanna give him to my aunt,
so she can have something
to remember my cousin by.
You know?
So, that's non-negotiable.
Deal breaker.
Deal breaker.
Don't think too long, kid.
Don't think too long.
Aight, Papi.
Look here, man.
Oh, God.
Bottom line is...
Light this bitch up!
Stitches!
You need help?
Nah!
Rell, Rell! Look, look!
They're communicating.
I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!
I got you!
Awesome!
I know. Yeah. Oh.
Hi-C!
Get the damn cat!
- Get the damn cat!
- Fuck!
No, Rell! Whoa!
Hey! You will die!
Then get my back.
Don't tell me you just tried to flip,
'cause you flopped, stupid!
Give me the cat.
- Give me the cat.
- No! Keanu!
Come on, Iglesias.
Who's going home?
Going home, home...
Rell... No! Why!
He's got Keanu!
Where'd he go?
Let's go.
I got you, Iglesias. Here we go. Okay.
Manny, open the car. Open the car.
I got Iglesias.
Go, go, go.
Where are you going?
- Your house!
- My house?
What are you doing?
What? Rell!
Rell, you can't drive!
Unbelievable. What...
- I'll shoot you!
- Oh, fuck!
You ain't gonna fuckin' shoot the driver!
What are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Yeah, motherfucker!
Oh, fuck! Look out!
I don't even know how to fuckin' drive!
I'm coming, Rell!
Oh, fuck!
Why did I grab a stick shift?
Whoa...
Oh, shit!
Fuck, yeah!
Oh, shit!
Oh...
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Oh, my God!
Okay, here he is.
You're not getting away from me!
Red light! Coming through the red light!
Yo!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, Rell! What are you doing?
Right now. Turn around.
Shit!
Fuck!
You okay, Keanu?
Why are we going through red lights?
I'm sorry! Sorry!
I can't fuckin' hear
what you're saying, bro!
Listen to me!
Oh, shit!
Oh!
That fuckin' hurts!
Okay, okay.
Keanu!
Come here.
Come here, Keanu.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
- You come here!
- Fuck!
I'ma punch you in the head.
Ah...
Oh...
- Yes! Yes!
- Get him off me!
Get that bitch, Keanu!
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Oh...
Fuck.
Fuck.
Oh...
Keanu!
Oh, man.
Of course you're alive.
What?
You got a-fuckin'-nother gun in your ass?
What?
Shit!
Who the fuck taught you how to drive,
you bad-driving bitch?
I don't drive.
He does.
- Oh...
- Whoo!
- That's my cousin!
- I got him!
Clarence, you did it, man!
Fuck, you did it, cuz!
That was so fuckin' badass!
Oh, thanks, man.
- I can't find Keanu!
- Keanu! Shit!
God, ow.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Trying to kill me with my kid's car!
No.
I'm unkillable.
What the fuck?
Blips was supposed to run this game, man.
We supposed to own this city.
And y'all fuckin' ruined it.
Y'all fucked everything up.
I lost my money.
I lost my cat.
I still gotta get mines, though.
The only way I know how.
Cheddar!
You're under arrest.
What?
Bitch, you ain't no fuckin' cop.
Oh, yes, I am a fuckin' cop.
Put your weapon down.
Now drop your weapons!
Trunk, drop it.
On the ground?
Yes, motherfucker, on the ground.
Stitches,
drop it.
Yeah.
Bud.
Not you, C.
You gonna kill me?
All this Bliptown family shit?
It's over.
Cheddar, you're under arrest.
Put your hands up.
I will shoot you.
Don't turn your back on me.
Fuck you, bitch!
Get your hands up!
- I'm a cop!
- Hands up!
- I'm a cop!
- Get on the ground!
Get on your knees.
Hands behind your head.
- Let me see 'em!
- Now!
On your knees!
Now! On your knees!
Keanu!
Go get him, Rell.
It's me. You all right?
Are you hurt? Are you hurt?
I love you.
We're gonna go home.
All right. We're good. We're gonna go.
What?
- Wait, no. Stay in the car!
- Why? What's going on?
Because there's a bunch
of dead people out here, that's why.
- Honey! You punched him in the face!
- Yeah.
You punched him in the face.
I need you to fuck me right now.
Okay. Stay in the car!
Right now. Stay in the car.
Oh, yes!
Well, this was a fuckin' mess.
Tell me about it.
Hey, I know you need this back.
He's keepin' his.
- Rell.
- You're doing good work.
We need to talk about
a few things before you go.
But first let me introduce you
to Officer Galloway
and Officer Dunn.
Oh, snap!
Right. You're alive.
- Sorry about that.
- Yeah.
I had a fantastic time.
That's weird.
Mmm-hmm.
- What about Anna Faris?
- Well, she's still alive.
We hire celebrities all the time
to help us with cases.
Like Shaq or Steven Seagal.
No shit.
I'm gonna let you two
talk about that other thing.
Mmm.
"That other thing"?
Ooh. I like the sound of that.
So, what, do you need me for some kind of
top-secret mission or something?
No. No top-secret missions goin' on.
But we need to talk about your behavior.
You know I just wanted my cat back.
I know. And you got him.
Keanu's a cutie.
Damn, Hi-C.
Parker. Trina Parker.
Trina Parker.
I kind of liked Hi-C.
Well, she kind of liked you, too.
Well... Ow.
Maybe we should go somewhere.
Maybe we should.
Right to jail.
Whoa...
Mmm-hmm.
That makes sense.
Broke a lot of laws, probably.
Don't worry. I'll testify on your behalf.
- Watch him for me?
- I will.
And just remember, Rell.
There's consequences to your actions.
Hey.
There's consequences to your actions
because you gonna be
in trouble in a second.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hold up. Yeah.
I'm gonna take you on a date.
- Okay.
- Ow. I'm shot in the leg. Ow!
Ow, ow, ow!
You ready to go, Keanu?
You're a cutie.
I can see why he did all of that for you.
Help!
Help me!
Help me!
Oh, thank God.
Yo, kill it! Kill it!
It hurts so bad, you don't even know.
Hasn't even
been that bad, really.
Clarence and I, having killed
the Allentown brothers
has us kind of lookin' like
crime heroes or somethin'.
We don't even have to
change our voice or anything.
Mostly it's just good to see you.
I love you, Keanu.
How much longer?
Three more weeks, baby.
That's it. 21 days.
And what are you gonna do to me?
I'm gonna take this moustache
and I'm just gonna go like...
Gonna rub it all over your neck.
- Moustache in here...
- I'm gonna put my 'stache
right in there. I'm just gonna...
Hey! Quit poundin' on the glass.
I'm sorry, sir. I apologize.
That's my wife, though.
That was a love pound.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for watching him.
No problem.
He's like one of the family.
I do have some news for you, though.
What?
I took Keanu to the vet.
He has a rare disease.
Oh, no.
He's gonna be a kitten forever.
What's going on, motherfuckers?
Okay. Let's do this.
Let's hold this shit down, guys.
I'm not fuckin' around.
You say somethin'?