Keep the Change (2017) Movie Script
1
[car horn honking]
[jazz music playing softly]
[man]
Oh, my God, look at that.
It's so sad that they all messed
their lives up, those people.
Say, why did
the bum vote for Obama?
You're supposed to say, "Why?"
Okay. Why?
Because he wanted change.
[laughs]
Wow, that's funny, Mr. Cohen.
- Hey, you remember my cousin Matt, the actor?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he's doing
a show on Broadway now
and we're gonna tear up
the town together.
Wow.
Yeah, he knows some
of the real cool spots,
real underground places,
you know?
[turn signal clicking]
I thought you were gonna
drop me off in the Village.
Mr. Cohen, I told you,
your mom said that I need to make
sure you get into your meeting.
Traitor.
- [hip-hop playing]
- [woman squeals]
[man chattering]
Oh, gosh.
[woman] Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the summer semester
of Connections.
Over here on this table
we've got some clipboards.
That's where you'll register.
If you have any questions
about Lit Club,
you can ask Mar.
[sobbing]
Paint and Pottery,
you can ask Annie.
- She knows everything there is about those groups...
- [woman] Excuse me, please.
And if you have any question about
Drama Dreams, we have Sarah and Sammy.
They can tell you anything
you need to know about those.
Would you like to talk
a little bit about Drama Dreams?
- Yes!
- Okay.
- Yes, Dorsey.
- All right, here you go.
Hi, everyone. Welcome.
Drama Dreams is...
is a wonderful,
magnificent opportunity
and way to shine
and do a little mix and match.
And we do a lot of...
a great deal of acting
and improvisation
and spontaneous performances
and... that are so flexible.
You go with the flow.
And it's very unscripted, so...
- [people chattering]
- [classical music playing]
[woman]
This is such a good prawn.
- [woman 2] Yeah.
- [woman 1] The music's really great.
[woman 3] Yeah.
[man] Because if you saw what
happened with Bernie Madoff
and all the other people
and AIG and Lehman Brothers,
we were kinda like bookies,
or so I found out later on.
- And then, kinda like...
- Wait, who's Bernie Madoff?
He's a man who
ripped off investors.
His initials are B.M.
for a good reason.
Because he is
a human bowel movement.
I know it's your
first time here.
Downstairs, there's,
I think, this juice bar.
They've got this really good
kale shake down there
if you wanna do
a little juicing with me.
[classical music continues]
What is it with the fruity music
in this place?
Do you have a problem
with the music?
Oh no, man.
It's cool, it's cool. I'm good.
Who's the new initiate
and what's wrong with him?
[man] Well, I guess it's just,
you know, sensory overload.
I don't have a problem.
I'm just passing through.
I bet you say that
to all the boys.
Mom!
I'm not going back there!
Hold on.
Mom!
I said I'm not going back there!
You want to go
to jail, David?
You want to ruin
your father's life?
Dad, make her stop!
I mean, I know she hates me,
and she just wants me
to roll up and die
and... and wants me jump off
a goddamn roof.
David, give it a rest. Okay?
[Father] It's not therapy.
It's a fruitcake place.
Like the judge said, you
show up, you sign your name,
six weeks later: dismissed.
Maybe next time,
don't tell pig jokes to a cop.
And what the hell
am I gonna tell Angie?
Who's Angie?
She's the girl that I'm seeing.
I thought her name
was Melinda.
No, that didn't work out
between me and Melinda.
If Angie has a problem
with this,
her mother can give me a call.
Ooh! [grunting]
[sighs]
[snorts] Aah!
- David, please.
- Aah!
Sorry. I can't help it.
I'm trying.
I don't belong there, Mom.
[Mother] I don't like the look
of the people at that place
any better than you do.
But if you don't do this, you
won't be able to leave the state.
No Florida, no beach club.
You'll spend the rest of the year
stuck up here with Aunt Rudy.
Is that what you want?
No.
Just get it over with then
so everything can
go back to normal.
[grunting] Mmm!
Oh, sweetheart.
Come, let's have some fruit.
You go lie down
with some fruit,
maybe a cool bath, your pj's.
[hip-hop playing, faint]
[computer beeps]
[beeps]
[beeps]
[woman]
Hi. I'm Mar. What's your name?
[man] My name is Sammy.
[Mar]
It's nice to meet you, Sammy.
[Sammy]
It's nice to meet you, Mar.
I'm so happy that you are
here in this organization
that my parents
really helped found.
That's so...
And Connections
is a branch of that.
Oops.
Sorry to cut you off, Sammy.
I have trouble
reading non-verbal cues
'cause of my
vision impairment.
[phone text clicking]
[text beeps]
[Sammy] That's okay, Mar.
I'm always respectful
to people around me.
Their needs and their wishes.
[Mar] That's so cool.
[text beeps]
Mar and Sammy, that was great.
Thank you so much.
- Who wants to go next?
- [gasps]
Sarah. All right.
Who's gonna partner with Sarah?
Andrew, how about you?
Haven't heard
from you much today.
Okay.
- Hey, David.
- [text beeps]
We're gonna stick
with the same thing.
Friendly conversations with
people who we maybe have just met
or don't know very well.
Does that sound okay?
Yeah, sounds
like a plan.
[Dorsey] All right.
David, sound okay to you?
Yeah.
[Dorsey] Okay. Go for it.
So, David, what would you
like to talk about?
Do you like to speak
about movies, operas,
ballets, Broadway musicals?
No.
Me neither.
I'm not really crazy about speaking
about any of that kind of stuff.
[Dorsey] Yes, Sarah.
Dorsey, David's being
really quiet and shy.
He's not participating.
He's not contributing to his
fair share in the conversation.
He's just being so...
really, in dead silence.
[Dorsey] So, let's ask
the group what they think
could help David be more
involved in the conversation.
I think Sarah threw a little too much
information at David all at once.
Sometimes, when you're in a
conversation with someone new,
that's not good.
It can scare them.
[Dorsey] Any other suggestions?
You cannot bring up
a conversation topic
if neither of you
is interested.
So let's find
a common interest.
David, you can even pick
the interest.
How about the Brooklyn Bridge?
Oh! Okay!
That sounds wonderful.
Uh... wha... what do you really
love and enjoy the most
about doing
at the Brooklyn Bridge?
I mean, we should really
make some plans to go together.
That would be very
interesting for both of us.
We can both have
a wonderful time together.
We can both
jump off the bridge.
Dorsey, David's really, really
not cooperating with me.
[laughing]
I can't believe she... she
actually took me so seriously.
Well, David, I actually
think that this would be
a really wonderful homework
assignment for the two of you.
You can practice those
conversation skills
and come back and share that
with the group.
David, I need you
to cooperate.
Just missed
my freakin' elevator.
I just want to get out
of this building.
David,
that's very irrelevant.
We need to focus on getting our
homework assignment completed
that Dorsey assigned us to.
This is very
exciting for me.
- Maybe for you...
- We want to report...
My job and my
responsibility, David,
- is to report to Dorsey and keep her posted...
- [elevator dings]
...on how everything goes that we
observe at the Brooklyn Bridge.
- We have to make this plan.
- [elevator dings]
We were the one
that committed.
We have to stick
to our commitments
and plan properly.
Bye.
David, we have to make...
We're not planning properly.
We have
to plan properly, David.
See you later.
Have a nice life.
[saxophone playing]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You must be Angie.
- David?
- I'm David. That's right.
- So nice to meet you.
- It's great to meet you.
- I didn't know
if you were gonna
recognize me from the website.
You look even more beautiful than...
in person than on your profile.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, sorry.
I'm usually not this nervous, but, you
know, I rarely meet nice, normal, guys.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Um, so, do you want anything to eat or anything?
- Uh-uh.
You seem hungry or nervous
or something...
- No, I'm on this no-carb diet.
- Mmm.
So that's all you.
Did you know that milk
had carbs in them?
- Wow, milk had carbs.
- Yeah.
So, I'm excited about
this U2 concert tonight...
Yes, me too! I love U2!
- I love Bono. I'm obsessed with him...
- Yes...
I know everything about him,
like his date of birth:
May 10, 1960.
- Whoa, 1960...
- Yeah.
You kind of look
like him a little bit.
[Irish accent] Hello, hello!
[laughs]
- Yeah, the glasses...
- That's good.
That's good.
Um, do you always
keep your sunglasses on?
Sorry.
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts] Aah!
It's my allergies.
- Do you need a napkin?
- [grunts]
No, I just...
So, um,
you into sports at all?
- Um, sort of.
- You heard of Kobe Bryant?
Yeah, this morning,
he was traded to the LA Rapers.
I'm sorry.
That wasn't funny.
I got a funnier one.
[imitating Bill Cosby] "My two favorite
things: Jell-O pudding and rape."
I'm just gonna run
to the bathroom.
Aah!
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Sorry.
Angie!
Anj!
Hi.
[rock music playing, faint]
[key taps]
[key taps]
[sighs]
[keys tapping]
[beeps]
[exhales sharply]
[muffled crying, yelling]
Such a fucking bum!
Fucking bum!
[woman]
Welcome to Drama Therapy.
[man] I'm so happy
to be here, Delilah.
[Delilah] Excellent.
So, this summer, we're actually gonna
be working towards a performance.
- [man] Really?
- [Sarah] Ooh!
- [woman 2] Ooh!
- [Delilah] Yes.
[Sarah] Ooh, wow!
Yeah, and what
we're gonna be doing
is we're going to be
exploring who we are.
And then we're gonna be able
to show that to the world.
And so one of the things
we're gonna do this summer
is we're going to create our performance
around the idea of superheroes.
[man, Sarah] Ooh!
[Delilah] So what I want you
guys to be thinking about,
think about, if you had a superhero
power, what would it be?
- [man] I love it.
- [Sarah] I love it!
- [woman 2] That is fantastic!
- [woman 3] Great idea!
[man] I love it. It's just
what I've wanted for years.
David. What happened?
- What?
- You missed our homework assignment.
What homework assignment?
Remember, we were supposed to write
a report about the Brooklyn Bridge.
Look, how about this? Why don't
we do this professionally, okay?
I'm going to pay you money
to do this.
I mean, you want money.
How much do you want, 20?
David, that's
not the assignment.
You're giving me
a really hard time
which is completely not okay,
completely unacceptable.
- [siren wailing]
- Look, David, if you're not gonna cooperate with me
and contribute
to your fair share,
I'm going to advocate myself
and speak my mind to Dorsey,
'cause this is
completely unacceptable.
Okay, you want to go
to the Brooklyn Bridge?
We'll go
to the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?
We'll go to
the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?
Will that get you off my case?
- What does "off your case" mean?
- Will you be satisfied?
It means you'll be satisfied!
Very much so.
Taxi!
[Sarah] Um, I find it
really, really scary.
I feel so much
safer on the bus.
And the only way to get home to my grandmother's
home, safe and sound, is the bus.
And taxis are so expensive and
I find them so nerve-racking.
What are you Rain Man
or something?
I mean, you have to have
a system for everything.
Uh, gotta go to Kmart,
41 Oak Street, lights at 11:00.
Don't you just want to live without
going according to the system,
without sticking
to the line once?
Believe me, I took the bus once.
It was a messed-up
experience for me.
I mean, I got on the bus.
It was goddamn crowded.
I felt like a sardine.
Then when I sat down,
this homeless guy got up to me
and started harassing
the shit out of me.
And I felt like yelling out
"hobophobic" slurs.
Not homophobic, "hobophobic."
What's "hobophobic"?
It's a phobia against bums.
Look, it's one thing if you want
to take the bus by yourself.
You can do whatever the hell
you want on your own.
But when you're with me,
let's take a cab.
I mean, buses are for paupers,
and cabs are for the prince
and the princess.
You know, why don't you just sit
back, lay back and enjoy the ride.
Okay.
How much
do I owe you, sir?
[driver] 7.50.
Here you go, $20.
Keep the change.
Come on.
[pedestrians chattering]
[Sarah]
Come on! Come join me, David!
I'm having a wonderful time!
My first time ever
at the Brooklyn Bridge!
It's a gorgeous
bird's-eye view!
[Sarah]
Where are you going, David?
I'm free now.
But how am I getting home?
How do you
usually get home?
I plan to take my bus.
So then, take the bus.
The bus from the JCC
is the only way
I know how to get home
to my grandmother's home safely,
and I count 13 stops.
Oh, Jesus.
How old are you, Sarah?
David, I'm 24.
And how long have you
been living in New York?
I've been living
in New York City my whole life
since I was
a little born child.
So, you mean to tell me you've
been in this town for 24 years
and you don't know how to get to
your grandmother's house from here?
Well, the JCC...
the bus from the JCC
is the only way I know
how to get home.
That's the only way.
[David] You happy now?
I had to take you all the way
back to the JCC bus stop.
I guess you want to take
the bus, we'll take the...
Look, here we go. It's
your bus stop right there.
Okay? Take the bus, okay?
What?
Um...
Uh...
Yeah?
Um, David... Um, David...
- What?
- Um...
W-What about... What about...
What about... What happened?
When are we gonna finish
our homework assignment?
About the Brooklyn Bridge?
We were there all day.
We just did.
But it's not complete.
We're supposed to
write a report about it.
Well, I don't know. Do it
with one of your friends.
But, David, I really feel strongly
about doing this with you.
I really, really
want to do it with you
because I find you
really smoking hot and so sexy.
Hey, Mom!
Is it okay if Geraldo drives
me into the city, today?
Well, it's a Sunday.
What are you doing in the city?
I just feel like
hanging out and stuff.
You know,
for that group.
I didn't think you were forced
to go there on the weekend.
Do I need to make a call
to that woman Dorothy?
No, no, no. It's not that.
It's this voluntary thing,
you know?
Voluntary?
I just uh, figured
I'd get extra credit.
They'd let me out earlier
for, like,
good behavior and stuff.
[Sammy] You're here
to audition for my play.
Um, a lot of you are
vying for the same part.
I hope that this does not cause any
problems with your relationships.
These pages aren't numbered,
but flip... flip the page.
[coughs]
Here, scene three.
Do you see it, Sarah?
Pardon me, pretty lady.
I couldn't help
but notice you in tears.
What seems to be the trouble?
I'd love to help.
He really is going to be
My knight in shining armor
My Prince Charming
[Sammy] David! You made it.
I want you to audition for my play, for
the leading role of Travis McHenry.
[laughs]
You look just like my idol
that I have loved
ever since I was a teen.
He's on a show
that did not last very long,
but it's called
Malibu Mohawks.
Oh, Malibu Mohawks.
My cousin was on that show!
Your... wait, your cousin?
Matt Cone. Matt Cone.
Matt Cone's your cousin?
- He's my cousin.
- [Sarah laughs]
He's more like a brother to me
because I really...
Matt Cone is your cousin?
- Yeah!
- Like a brother to you?
Just tell me
why he's your idol, huh?
- Why do you love him so much?
- He looks like the person
who really can sweep me
off my feet.
And I know that
he is as wonderful...
He's as fancy on the inside
as he is on the outside.
Okay. What is it
you want me to do?
I want you to try on
some clothes for Travis.
Why don't we try on this
beautiful, handsome, white shirt?
I want to see how
you look in it.
- What the hell is this?
- Come on, David.
This looks kind of gay.
No offense.
Travis is bisexual.
What? Whoa, whoa.
I'm not gonna play gay.
- I... I'm sorry...
- I think you can.
I like women, you know?
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
This is a man's shirt.
Travis is a man.
It says Ann Taylor Loft.
Ann Taylor is the designer.
Yeah, that's a women's designer.
She's the designer.
She doesn't wear the shirt.
The men and the women
will love you. Try it on.
You do realize those people are
weird in there, don't you?
Huh? No.
No? What do
you mean no?
You don't know that
they're not exactly normal?
Um, no.
I mean, do they have you
brainwashed or something?
- What's brainwashed?
- Like, they think for you.
You don't want to be like that.
You want to be normal like me.
[snorts] Aah!
- Sorry. I sneezed.
- Are you okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
It's been a very hot day today.
I bet. It's really
hotsy-totsy today.
You don't have to say stuff like that.
It's kind of irritating.
I mean, "hotsy-totsy,"
"sharing is caring."
Yummy in my tummy.
See, there you go again.
I mean, why do you say stuff
like that? It's very irritating.
So in other words, it rubs
you in the wrong way?
Yeah, that's right.
Meaning, it's not your cup of tea
and it doesn't float your boat?
See, you're doing it again.
You don't want people
to think you're abnormal
or anything like that, right?
Like those, uh, people
at that program.
I don't know.
No offense or anything,
but I think you're above them.
What's your problem anyway?
I don't know
what's wrong with you.
Um, well, I have autism.
Is that it?
Um, no. I also have an LD.
What is that,
like a venereal thing?
No, it's a learning disability...
Oh, huh. Well, I guess
everybody's got problems.
That's true.
So, what's
your problem, David?
Um, I don't know.
I guess I got a little bit
stressed out this year,
but, uh, you know, I've been
getting better, you know?
Why do you have to go home
so urgently anyhow?
How about if I take you out
instead, tonight?
But what will I tell
my grandmother?
Well, if not, then how about
tomorrow night?
Tomorrow is game night.
Thursday?
Thursday, we're going
on a field trip to the zoo.
- How about Friday then?
- Friday is show tunes.
Show tunes?
Yeah, show tunes
is every single Friday.
Every single Friday?
I enjoy it very much,
show tunes.
How about just miss one show tunes?
Just for me?
So I guess I'll see you
this Friday?
[bus approaching]
- This is my bus.
- Yeah, there it is.
We're gonna continue today working
with our theme of superheroes.
Sound okay?
[all] Yes! Wonderful!
So, the question I asked
you guys last week,
and I asked you to think
about it a little bit,
was, if you had a superpower,
what would it be?
Uh, I guess it would be to...
I guess it would be to... to...
I guess it would be
to let them know
who... the world know
who I really am, you know?
[Delilah] To let the world
know who you really are.
But to really express
myself in a variety of ways.
My superpower would be
to get Matt Cone
to fall in love with me
and to propose to me.
Matt Cone is kissing me,
our shirts are off,
we're lying down.
[giggling]
His stomach is touching mine.
All right. Let's try
to stay focused, okay?
On the count of three,
I'm gonna ask you guys
to change the way you're
sitting in your chair.
And I want you to think about
how this superhero would sit.
You ready?
- Okay, hold on I didn't count to three yet.
- Oh, sorry.
Okay, you ready?
One, two, three.
Ooh, careful.
Look at all of these
amazing superheroes here.
What incredible characters.
David.
If you had a superpower,
what would it be?
I'd be invisible.
Why?
So I can go into
the ladies' locker room.
[all laughing]
[applause]
[man] To do this stunt,
takes a lot of confidence.
You all should be confident.
[man grunts]
[crowd cheering]
Give him a hand!
So a guy walks
into a sex shop and says,
"I want an inflatable doll."
- And...
- What's an inflatable?
You know, those sex dolls.
You have sex with those
inflatable dolls
that you see
at the Porno Stop.
But, uh... So, he says,
"Do you want a male doll or
a female doll to do it with?"
"I want a female doll.
What do you think I'm gay
and I want to do it
with a male doll?"
"Okay, do you want a black doll
or a white doll?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure.
I guess a white doll."
That's so racist and offensive.
Well, you want to hear it?
It gets even more
racist and offensive.
"Do you want
a Jewish inflatable doll,
a Christian inflatable doll,
or a Muslim inflatable doll?"
He goes,
"Why do you ask me that?"
"Because the Muslims,
they blow themselves up!"
Allah!
[trills tongue]
You don't get it?
No, I don't.
I find it really offensive
and so confusing.
So... So, you know
that girl that said,
"I'm not working during the week because
I have to do camp in Cranford?"
- Right.
- So I go, "Oh, well, I'm Jewish. I don't like to do camp."
Hold on. What camp is this?
I don't know. I think
it's a concentration...
[snickers]
I'm just kidding.
That's not funny.
Uh, I need to concentrate.
Right. So, what camp is this?
Um, I'm not sure.
Okay.
[stammers] But I go,
"I don't like to go
to no camps. I'm Jewish."
- Well, I'm... Well, you know what, David? I'm Jewish...
- I'm Jewish too.
But I've been to sleep-away camp
and I've performed
in a lot of musical theater
productions and plays...
Oh, it was a stupid joke
I said. I'm sorry...
Can you give me a time to ask
you, maybe, what the joke means?
I'll explain the joke.
I mean, I'll explain the joke.
Because... so I don't have to...
Words can have
multiple meanings.
It's like... yeah, there
were multiple meanings.
Just like with, uh...
Maybe when there's a pause, I can
ask you for clarification...
- Words...
- Wait. Don't interrupt me.
- I can ask you for clarification.
- I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm sorry.
I'm getting nervous.
I didn't mean to interrupt...
Maybe when there's a pause to ask
you so I know what it means.
[Sarah] I need specifics.
[David] I only said it
to make you laugh,
not to make you argue with me.
It sounds like "Who's on first."
[Sarah] I don't want to hear
"Who's on First."
I just... All I care about
is understanding your jokes.
Sarah, I made a boo-boo, okay?
It's not you. It's me.
You know, I didn't mean
to annoy you just now, okay?
[classical music playing]
- How you doing? Chicken and rice.
- [Sammy] David.
- Hey.
- I have an opportunity
- that I think you'll appreciate as a gay man.
- Thank you.
What?
Uh, lamb gyro, please.
Dude, I'm not gay.
- What?
- Sorry. I'm not gay.
Thank you.
But you have
such gay mannerisms.
You're so artsy.
You're so suave and you seem
to flirt with all the guys.
How would you and Matt like
to come to our exclusive club
of show tunes on Friday?
I can't this Friday.
I have plans.
Cancel them.
Nah. I'm supposed
to see Sarah that day.
Sarah is gonna be
at show tunes.
She can't get out of it
this Friday?
She can't ever.
She is the star. She's the diva.
She's the songbird.
She provides the music.
Without her,
there'd be no music.
Well, I gotta see
Sarah that day.
I mean, we had plans,
you know?
I mean, to go out on a date.
She's my girlfriend.
What?
Yeah, she's my girlfriend.
Oh, my God. You know what then?
Never mind.
Don't come to show tunes.
It's okay.
Forget I ever said anything.
Don't come to show tunes.
Wait, wait. What the hell? You just
offered me and then you take it away?
- No, it's okay. I changed my mind.
- I gotta see Sarah that day.
You can see Sarah another day.
Please don't come to show tunes.
Why not?
Why not?
How much?
$12.
There you go.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you.
Your turn, Zach,
if that's your real name.
Uh, how about something
from Les Mis.
Could we please
do something else?
We hear it all
the time from Sarah.
- [woman] How about a song from Cats?
- Which version?
[Zach] Can it be the same one?
I'd prefer it wasn't. We like
some variety in this thing.
Zach, could you
pick something else?
- No...
- [woman] It's up to him, Sammy...
All right.
Your turn, hippy guy.
My name is Dylan.
Don't call me that ever again.
Well, it's your pick.
- "The Acid Queen."
- [man] Great song, but not a show tune.
[chattering]
How about, um, "Paradox"
or "When You Had Left Your Pirate
Fold" from Pirates of Penzance?
You always pick that one,
but the game requires me
to indulge you.
[opera music playing]
[woman singing]
[Sammy] David?
[David] Hey, everybody.
What are you doing here?
I told you not to come.
[David]
I gotta give this to you.
Wow, you look great.
I mean,
you look great in red too.
I love the red dress,
by the way, you know.
I was figuring maybe you
wanna get together later,
after this thing, you know.
Go out somewhere to eat?
Why... Why aren't you happy to see me?
[muttering]
David, I know how
smokin' hot and sexy you are,
but this is not
the right time and the place
to be having this conversation.
We're not gonna
discuss it here any further.
[opera music continues]
So, what exactly is it
that you do, David?
I'm a filmmaker.
Uh-huh.
I have
a project in the works.
Let me guess. You still
live with your parents.
Never earned a nickel
in your life
and never actually
make films,
just talk about making them.
Am I on point here so far?
[David]
I'm a legit filmmaker.
I have a film
which is in consideration
of the Palm Beach
International Film Festival.
Here, take a look at this.
My movie.
[movie score plays on phone]
Please take that thing
out of my face.
A bunch of random home movies
strung together
- in no aesthetic order.
- [music stops]
So, Sarah, my darling,
it is your turn.
[Sammy]
Why don't you ever let me sing?
As my girlfriend,
Sarah has special privileges.
Now sing,
my beautiful songbird.
Let me call you sweetheart
Magnificent. Brava!
- [Sarah continues singing]
- Sarah and Will are a couple?
Let me explain.
Sarah...
is basically a player
or a "man-izer."
Whoa.
This is part of her nature.
She said she really likes me,
that I'm the cat's meow.
She also describes
the Holocaust as "a bummer."
Can you understand
this about her?
Yeah.
Don't expect anything
other than dates and sex.
Can we play the title song
of Anything Goes?
[coins jangle]
Help a brother out, man?
Get that fuckin' thing
out of my face!
It's not my fault you fucked your
life up, you fucking asshole!
Fuck you, you bum!
Fuck you!
- Chill out, dude.
- [spits]
Shut the fuck up!
[Sammy] Okay, Sarah. Zach.
Now, we did scene three before.
Now, we're gonna
try it without scripts.
That being said,
Zach, same thing.
Butt naked would be best.
- If you...
- All my clothes are staying on...
Then that is fine.
- To him directly?
- Yes.
Oh, Travis, I'm so impressed
you came to me...
- Sarah!
- What?
You don't know his name.
No, just say it
without the name?
Say it without the name.
Oh, my God. I'm so
impressed you came to me.
The joy of my life! It makes me...
I'm so thrilled.
- Sarah.
- What?
Do you tell him
how you feel right away?
No.
Why you didn't tell me
you had a boyfriend?
What do you mean?
Exactly what I meant.
Why you didn't tell me
you had a boyfriend?
Well, I don't know how you felt
about open relationships...
Oh! Open relationships?
This is what you call this?
David, I still need to... I need to
still properly smooth you out here.
I mean, what you
don't understand is,
there's so much
fish out there in the sea.
And you let all these fish,
uh, touch you.
No, it's just, all these men who
are on top of me, all over me...
Oh, my God.
Or on my lap.
What? Am I hearing right?
They sit on your lap
and all that?
My God.
Okay, I'm gonna use a really,
really ugly word right now.
I'm not ugly.
I didn't say you were ugly.
I said I'm using an ugly word.
Does the word "promiscuous"
mean anything to you?
No.
It means that these men
do not respect you,
that they just want you
for one thing.
Right in the spur
of the moment,
I feel as though you're putting a lot of
social and emotional pressure right now to me.
When was the last time Will actually
included you in a conversation, huh?
See? I'm not pressuring you.
You do what you want to.
I'm not gonna force you
to be my girlfriend.
Whatever.
[door closes]
[Dorsey] Sarah and David,
you had some homework, right?
You went to the Brooklyn Bridge?
How was it?
It's kind of irritating.
[Dorsey]
Okay. Irritating how?
Sarah, what about you? What did
you think of the Brooklyn Bridge?
Well, to be very honest
with you, Dorsey,
um, even though David found it really
irritating to focus on the positive,
I had a wonderful time.
Terrific memories there.
- [Dorsey] Can anybody else relate to that?
- [man] Yeah. Yeah.
I don't envy anybody, you know,
as far as... [indistinct]
But sometimes...
[Sammy]
This is what I'll do is...
I'm as horny
As Kansas in August
[laughing]
Someone's in the kitchen
With...
[car approaches]
[electric window whirring]
[driver]
Are you getting in, Mr. Cohen?
W-What about your friends?
[David]
One, two...
[yells] Ah! Be angry!
- [game dings]
- Woo!
Wow.
- Yay!
- One more for good luck!
- [dings]
- You gonna kiss your boyfriend?
What about you, girl?
- [Sarah] I don't know how.
- [David] Here, use this, use this.
I just felt like watching.
I have very severe
diet restrictions to gluten.
I wanna make sure
there's no gluten.
I just wanna make it absolutely
very, very crystal clear.
And if it has no gluten, I would
really love the lobster salad.
Does mayonnaise
have gluten in it? No.
- [man speaking, indistinct]
- All right. Okay, yeah.
Look at this. This is fun.
[seagull crying]
It doesn't have to necessarily be
on the beach, David, you know?
Well, this is what
the beach is about.
David, I just really don't
like the sand on my feet. It...
Come on. I just want
to hold your hand.
Can't we do something else?
Like mix and match
and explore a variety...
What do you want to do Sarah? Okay?
What do you want to do? Okay?
- What I want to do David, so badly...
- We're in Coney Island here.
There's like a million things to do here.
What do you want to do?
- [David] Oh, my God.
- [Sarah] What is this ride?
- [David yells] Uh!
- [Sarah] David, look! Look at this.
I love...
This looks so exciting.
- Look at the one right here! Look!
- Uh!
David, sweetheart, this looks
so exciting and tantalizing.
- [riders screaming]
- [David] It looks like the strings are gonna break.
I don't want
you to get hurt.
We won't get hurt.
You'll protect me.
I want to go
on that with you.
[David] I just figured
you'd like the teacups,
the horsey rides, the boats.
Perfect for a lady like you,
you know?
I don't want to go on the baby rides.
I've aged out of those stages.
Do you want to go
on the sling ride?
- Where's the sling ride?
- Look at it, up in the air.
- [Sarah] The boat rides are still not appropriate for my...
- [David] Okay.
[Sarah] The boat rides
are still very babyish.
We can always go on the horsey ride,
you know, like the merry-go-round?
Everybody goes
on the merry-go-round.
- Everyone of all ages. It's not just for babies...
- Okay.
- Okay, I trust you on that. We'll do that.
- Okay.
[kids chattering]
What's wrong?
Don't you want a horse?
No, horses are not for men.
All right.
[ride clacks, whirs]
[calliope music playing]
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
[snorts]
I'm having a blast, David. Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts]
Sorry.
It's my allergies.
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts] Aah!
Aah!
It's okay. It's okay.
Aah!
Aah!
[shouting, indistinct]
[shouting continues]
[shouts, indistinct]
[shouts, indistinct]
[snorts] Aah!
Aah!
[snorts]
Aah!
Uh, about that thing,
the horsey ride.
I just got real sick, that's
all, but I'm okay now, you know?
I mean, uh, I'm not contagious
or anything like...
Sarah, look at me.
I'm okay.
I mean, I've really
been getting better.
[Sarah]
By the place
Where I am lying
And kneel and say
An ave there for me
Well, I always say you can't go wrong
with a little Gilbert and Sullivan.
Gilbert and Sullivan?
For this?
How about some
Justin Timberlake?
Hey, Will.
Let's do "Mirrors"
or "Cry Me a River."
They're both
on your "best" list.
Don't tell me
That you love me
[David] I'm excited to see what
you present in the showcase.
[Will] Oh, really? I thought
you were just passing through.
Until you come
To me
[applause]
Are you
a fairy princess?
I really love
your outfit.
It's so beautiful.
I love green.
It's my favorite color.
My country, 'tis of thee
Sweet land of liberty
Of thee I sing
Hey, thank you.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Here we are.
My cousin's play.
You're just
gonna love it.
[applause]
Hey, Matt, it's David.
Um, we just saw your show.
Um, we're still at the theater,
so I don't know what to do.
You wanna meet us
at the restaurant?
Is there anything I can
help you with though?
No, I don't really
need anything.
I wanna know what your hobbies are.
What are you passionate about?
I don't...
I don't have hobbies.
I just... I just work.
Oh. What are you so passionate
about working in the theater?
What do you love
about it so much?
Nothing.
I don't love
anything about it.
Please give me a call, okay?
- Hi.
- Hey.
We're not exactly asking
for autographs.
Have you, uh,
seen Matt Cone?
I just work the door.
I'm just security.
If I show my ticket stubs, can I go in?
I really gotta see him.
You can't go
in here.
Well, they do come out
here, the actors, right?
I'm not asking
for any trouble.
I'm not a bad person
or anything. I just...
You're not getting any trouble.
There's no trouble.
You just can't go
in this door.
He's my cousin, you know?
I don't care
who your cousin is
or your brother or your
uncle, your grandmother.
I don't care.
I feel like you're
angry at the world.
Why don't you just
lighten up, you know?
I'll tell you a joke.
Shia LaBeouf was in the car
with Lindsay Lohan.
Do you know who was driving?
The cops.
You trying to get hurt?
You wanna get hurt tonight?
Being up so late,
it's gorgeous.
Well, hurry up.
The light. The light.
David, it's
so deserted here.
Like, there's... Like, there's no one.
There's no souls.
- Like, it's practically not even...
- Yeah, nobody here.
- Watch out for those bikers.
- [giggles]
- Isn't this place great?
- Oh, my God.
You know you're at a good restaurant
when the ambience is beautiful.
- [Sarah] Oh, my God.
- Take a look at the menu.
David, but the language
is so confusing.
- I mean...
- That's because it's Italian. It's another, uh, country.
David, I don't speak any Italian.
It's very confusing.
I don't either.
Just order anything
that sounds pretty.
Under "antipasti,"
there's asparagi di campo,
asparagi olive oil,
foggi montinada.
David, that's so confusing
that I have no idea
what that means.
That's how Italian works,
you know?
Good evening. Hi. My name is Kevin.
I'll be taking care of you.
- Hey, Kevin.
- Good evening, Kevin.
- What's up, Kevin?
- Something for the lovely lady and gentleman?
Well, I just want you to know
I'm expecting two more people.
Oh, great. Well, we do have
some specials tonight.
Mozzarella con funghi.
Scaloppine tutta terra.
- Mmm.
- Farfalle con pollo.
Carciofi. Marsala.
Salmone. That's with
the little white wine sauce.
It sounds so beautiful
and romantic.
See, it sounds like music, Sarah.
It sounds great.
Here, why don't you order whatever you
want, okay? Excuse me for a minute.
Okeydokey artichokey.
Oh, my goodness.
I mean, we're holding
the table for you,
but you wanna meet for drinks
after or something?
[Matt] Ah, sorry, bud. This
cast party's not letting out.
But it'll be just you and me next time.
I promise.
Yeah, yeah. And Sarah.
You gotta meet this girl.
She's beautiful, classy,
and goes crazy about me, Matt.
All right, buddy.
I can't wait to meet her.
Yeah, we'll do a double date.
Wow. This is a lot of food.
I'm glad you're getting comfortable here.
How do you like it?
- This is to die from.
- Yeah, it's good, isn't it?
[slurping]
- Mmm. [laughs]
- Mmm.
- [slurping continues] Mmm.
- [laughs]
And here we are.
- [David] Wow.
- [waiter] Would you like anything else?
[David] Um, no. I'll just
have the check. Here.
Great.
I've never seen you
so happy before.
Aren't you glad
you came here?
This is a $900 bill.
What were you doing there,
traveling Europe?
I met a girl.
David, come on. One of the Internet
women, your imaginary girlfriends?
No, this girl's real.
[Mother] Sure she is.
She wants to marry me.
What?
David, that is not funny.
[Mother]
Where is she from?
From that group?
This is a gold digger.
From now on,
you go to your classes,
you come home.
Look, I'll pay you back.
You couldn't pay me back
for a Life Saver.
It's not the money.
It's where will you be
when we're gone.
Who's gonna take care of you
when Dad and I are gone?
[doorbell rings]
Hi.
[door closes]
[woman] Sarah.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi. Who's this?
This is my boyfriend,
David Cohen.
- Hi, David.
- How are ya?
Would you like
a tequila?
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm not thirsty.
- But thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Okay.
- Excuse me. I'm going in.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah,
it's all right.
- [door closes]
- She's my grandma.
Oh.
She's an alcoholic.
Oh.
There's me
at my bar mitzvah.
Oh.
Yeah. I was
a cute kid back then.
That's my prom date.
I didn't even get
to kiss her.
That's too bad.
Well, that's high school.
[Father]
Say hi to the camera, David.
So what do you think, huh?
Isn't it great?
I mean, that's my whole
autobiography, you know.
O-Overall, I really,
really loved it. Um...
It's a powerful film.
You have to admit, it is very
creative, don't you think?
Yeah, it's really...
To be very honest with you, I mean,
it's very powerful and very creative.
I really loved it very, very
much overall, except for...
That's right.
It's a work of art.
Yeah, that's what I really loved
about it, for everything,
except for the ending, which
was really, really confusing.
But that's the point.
Nobody says when I grow up,
I choose to be that, you know?
And sometimes changes
happen for the worst,
and people just have a sad ending
after that, and that's realistic.
Yuh! Like that.
- You know those tics and all that?
- Yeah, I...
- Those noises that I make?
- I'm perfectly aware of that.
But, David, let me give you
also positive critiques.
What I did really, really love...
your childhood memories.
- Your bar mitzvah and your graduation.
- I know.
They were so rewarding
and so special.
- You know my cousin, Matt Cone?
- Yeah.
You know how Sammy always says, "Oh,
Matt Cone this, Matt Cone that.
I want Matt Cone."
You know why?
He's a very, very
important person.
He's an actor
and all that.
- A real big-time celebrity.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's going to, like, put this in a film festival.
- Mm-hmm.
Palm Beach International
Film Festival.
He's gonna open
the door for me,
and I'm gonna catch
my big break in Hollywood.
- You know?
- Cool.
Sarah,
can I ask you something?
Yes, David. Sure.
I mean, I know
that I seem like a big shot
driving around town
with my limo driver
and treating you to all
these nice fancy restaurants.
It never occurred to you,
"Oh, this kid's just
a total bum with no future.
He's just a complete bum."
You don't think
I'm a bum, do you?
Absolutely not, David.
I think you're really,
really bright,
very smart,
really, really a glorious,
hunky, sensational
and just so sexy
and attractive-looking
to a point that it's
really getting me
in a very horny and
sexually-arousing mood right now.
Wow. Oh, my God.
You have your hand on my leg.
That feels
so sexually arousing.
Oh, God.
[woman] Hi!
Hi.
[chanting]
Go, Josh! Go, Josh!
Go, Josh! Go, Josh!
Go, Sarah!
Go, Sarah! Go, Sarah!
Go, Henry! Go, Henry!
Go, Henry!
Go, Henry!
Go, Sammy!
Oh, yeah, baby!
It's so easy.
It's a piece of cake.
I'll teach you, David.
I don't like to dance.
But I'll teach you. It's a piece of cake.
Come to the dance floor.
I'll show you
how to dance.
What about your moves, David?
Show me your moves.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Go, David!
[no audible dialogue]
[Sammy] I would like to make
a toast to Sarah and David.
As somebody
who has dated many men,
I never thought you would find
love like you did with David.
You two are really going
to make it as a couple!
I know it.
So here is to you.
To Sarah and David!
[all] To Sarah and David!
To Sarah and David.
[man] It's getting a little
sappy for my taste here.
When we say "I love you,"
we're really trying to say
to the other person,
"I like you enough
not to wanna rip
your face off
and feed it to a dog,
feed it to a mongrel."
That would be
a bummer.
[Sammy] I don't believe that
for a minute.
I think you two
will get married
and Matt and I
will get married,
and the four of us
are going to be family together
and friends together.
How can you have friends
if the person next to you is the
one who's gonna sell you out
to save his own ass,
you know.
It would be boring.
Imagine if you didn't have
someone to nuke.
Come on, man.
Do you watch
a lot of Fox News?
I'm a Fox News junkie.
I like it the way Homer Simpson
likes Duff at Moe's Tavern.
Do you know what Homer Simpson
said to the drug dealer?
- No. What?
- What?
"D'ohpe!"
- [all laughing]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- D'ohpe!
You know,
I'm with Nancy Reagan there.
[all] Ooh!
[Sammy]
Can you pass the potato?
And the macaroni?
- Any more chicken cutlets?
- [woman] Here you go.
On your way, you're Russian.
When you get in, European.
When you come out,
- you're Finnish.
- [laughing]
What does a soda machine
have in common
with Monica Lewinsky?
Both say "insert bill here."
[woman] Oh, let Sarah.
- No.
- [man] Come on, Sarah.
- I don't know any jokes.
- [Sammy] The jokes are gluten-free.
- I don't know any jokes.
- Don't pressure her. Come on, come on, guys.
- I don't know any jokes.
- It's okay. It's okay.
[David]
I got one. I got one.
This one got me
into a bit of trouble.
Why did the Jewish guy divorce
his wife when she became a cop?
- [Sammy] Why?
- 'Cause Jews cannot eat pork.
[Dorsey] So we've got our showcase
Night to Shine coming up really soon.
And I also have registration
for the fall semester.
If anyone wants
to sign up for the fall,
be sure to register
and write your name down
because this registration
goes really quickly.
There's a clipboard going
around this side of the room,
but I'm gonna start
another one over here.
Just put your name down, and I
hope to see you in the fall
so we can have
more fun together.
[applause]
[all chattering]
I just don't understand
why you're leaving.
Why aren't you
coming back, David?
I don't know. I just can't.
Can I ask you
something, Sarah?
Do you wanna live
with your grandmother forever?
I mean, you do wanna grow, right?
You're a grown woman.
Yeah.
Don't you wanna have all the
things that normal people have?
I wanna marry you.
I don't see myself being
with anyone else but you, Sarah.
If I had to go to Florida,
would you come with me?
To Florida?
No, no, no, no.
She can't come to Florida.
I don't even know this girl, and you
want her to live with us for six months?
What if she just comes
for the ride
and she can stay at Aunt
Evelyn's and Uncle Harry's?
In Boca.
She's not some girl from
some crazy house though.
She really has it together
and she's beautiful,
and she's Jewish too, Mom.
You'd love her so much, you'd probably want
her to be your daughter-in-law one day.
Maybe...
Maybe someday we'll meet her,
but-but we don't
bring people to Florida,
especially people
that we don't know.
- Okay? That dad and I haven't met, so...
- [chopping]
Okay. Well, what if I told you she's
upstairs right now in my bedroom?
I invited her
for the weekend.
Hmm.
Look, this has
no gluten in it.
It's very good.
It's very healthy.
Wow. it looks really delicious
and yummy in the tummy.
Potatoes. Beets.
Here, try this. Try it.
- Tell me what you think of this.
- Mmm.
Oh, I love it.
It's absolutely delicious.
Groovalicious and really
yummy in the tummy.
So, Sarah,
how did you two meet?
Oh, well, Carrie,
that's a great question.
Um, David and I...
us two met
uh, a place called
the Jewish Community Center.
- And I found the perfect one, right here.
- Mm-hmm.
It was a dream come true. It
was very romantic and sexual.
It was what?
I mean, Mom, Dad, you see
how happy I am, you know?
Sarah is the most amazing thing
that ever happened to me.
She's the one for me.
How long did it take to realize
that this was the one?
We met over a month ago,
but officially,
- we've been going out for roughly two weeks.
- Mm-hmm.
We've been dating.
- Two weeks?
- Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- [David] Mm-hmm. That's 14 days.
- Yeah.
[David]
Half a month.
If you have any questions,
you know what to do, okay?
Don't worry about
trying to understand.
Just follow the leader.
That's right.
Follow the leader. Okay?
Just pretend you're interested
in what they have to say.
If they laugh, you laugh.
If they look serious,
you look serious. Okay?
In other words, I will try
my best to lighten my load,
take a chill pill
and have a wonderful time.
Yeah, we just need to
chill out tonight, okay?
In other words,
get the lay of the land,
cool ourselves off
and have a wonderful time.
You don't even have to say that. Just
say, "Yeah, okay, cool. That's great."
Okay, cool, take a chill pill,
lighten our loads, take it easy...
You know that saying,
"less is more"?
- I remember perfectly, David.
- Yes.
Uncle Jimmy. How are you?
This is my girlfriend, Sarah.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Holy moly.
Let me get a look.
- [shutter clicks]
- Perfect.
What did the duck
say to the bartender?
- Come on.
- Here we go again.
It's okay.
Um, what?
Put it on my bill. Ha!
Multiple meanings!
Hi. Oh, how lovely
to meet you.
I'm Sarah Silverstein,
David Cohen's girlfriend.
And I love being a performing artist,
singing, acting and working with...
Let me ask you this,
Aunt Jessica.
Or what about you?
Um, what's your name?
What are your passions and careers
that you guys like to do for fun?
Well, we, uh...
we love artwork.
We like to go
to art shows,
and we like to travel.
What kind of art shows
do you guys like?
We go to a lot
of craft shows.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
It's a really
great pleasure to meet you.
What a blessing.
I really love
your outfit too.
I love the color pink.
It's my second favorite color.
Thank you.
You're very interesting.
Thank you. It was
a pleasure meeting you too.
- I mean, boy, you really love those garnishes.
- Yeah.
Down the hatch-a-roonie
it goes.
Yep.
[Sarah] Mmm. I tasted it.
It was so yummy in the tummy.
Didn't you have enough
to eat, sweetheart?
Um...
- Right?
- I'm fine.
Everybody's okay.
[Sarah]
I'm perfectly fine.
[all chatting, indistinct]
[woman]
We really had a great time.
Did he ever tell you
any of his jokes?
Oh, many, many times
in the past.
They're a bit
very confusing.
It took me a lot of time to
process and understand them.
- Two Jews walk into a bar.
- Right.
They buy it.
[laughing]
You know
why he cracks me up?
I don't know.
[no audible dialogue]
[chattering]
I love your song.
It was wonderful.
- What?
- I love your song.
- What's the name of that song? "The Sun..."
- The sun goes
- Thank you.
- We have to clear out the boathouse for Matt.
- Oh.
- [David] Matt's here?
[Carrie]
In the boathouse.
My cousin Matt.
Remember Matt Cone?
- Ladies first.
- Thank you.
- Just walk on the pebbles.
- Okay.
On the pebbles.
On the pebbles.
No, on the pebbles.
Yeah. Step down.
It's okay. It's okay.
I got you. I got you.
Oh. Sand.
I'm on the sand.
You're on the rocks.
See?
We're on our way
to the party.
See? You're not
getting muddy at all.
- [coughs]
- Ooh.
You don't have to step
on that rock, but...
Yeah, here we are.
[man] We live our lives. We're busy.
And all this stuff going on...
[woman] Yeah,
but then that kind of implies
that you're not
present enough with each other
on a day-to-day basis
to know that...
Yo, Matt. What's up, Matt?
Whoa. David. Holy... Dude, I
can't believe you're here.
What's going on?
Yo, it's my girlfriend,
Sarah.
- Your girlfriend?
- Yeah, my girlfriend.
Yeah?
Is he paying you?
- Shut up, Matt.
- Oh, I'm just kidding.
You're just pulling
my chain, Matt.
Yes, I am, Sarah. I'm sorry. I
have a messed-up sense of humor.
- It's cool, man. It's cool. Yo.
- Yeah, come on in.
- Celebrate with us. Let's make this a bigger holiday.
- [woman] Yeah.
- Yeah, so you remember Karen, of course.
- Hey, Karen. How are you?
- And Julia.
- [Julia] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- [David] What's up, Luke?
- What's up, David?
- What's up, man?
- [Luke] Hey, good to see you, brother.
- [Matt] And this is...
- Sarah.
Hi, Sarah.
Sit down, you guys,
please.
[Karen] Thank you guys so much
for hosting us.
- [Matt] Thank you for having us.
- [Karen] Thank you.
So this is David's place
that we are crashing at.
[Luke] David, this is amazing.
Thanks for having us.
Thank you. It's an honor
having you guys here.
Yeah, it's an amazing honor for
us to be here with you too.
I mean, the star
of Malibu Mohawks.
- [laughter]
- A movie star.
- [Matt] No, no, no.
- [Karen] He loves it. He loves it.
[Matt] Mm, not talking
about that right now.
Why don't you
tell him our other news?
- Oh, my God.
- I popped the question.
- [Sarah] Wow.
- Wow. You're getting married?
You said yes?
Yeah, I said yes.
I'm wearing the ring.
[David]
Of course.
Congratulations.
Mazel tov.
- [Matt] Thank you.
- So are we!
- You guys too?
- We've been discussing it lately,
like in theory
and all that, you know?
You don't waste
any time, huh, man?
- [Karen] Are you nervous?
- It's been the best two weeks of my life.
Yeah, David was especially
really, really nervous.
No, I'm not.
About the... Yes. It's about the
penis going inside the vagina.
[Matt] Whoa.
- Oh.
- No, no, no, no.
But I did teach him
how to have sexual intercourse
in a very constructive way
for the very first time
- at my bedroom in my apartment.
- [Julia] Use a condom.
[Sarah] Oh!
[laughs]
I love condoms.
I live in a condom.
[David laughs]
She's just very sheltered.
She thought you're
talking about condos.
[Luke] What?
Not only am I very innocent
and really beautiful princess,
but I'm a lyric soprano singer
with perfect pitch.
Let me call you
Sweetheart
I'm in love with you
Let me hear you whisper
Okay.
That you love me too
That's wonderful, isn't it?
That's great, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- She's got a nice voice.
Please stop.
Please stop. Please stop.
Let me call you
Sweetheart
I'm in love with you
- Please stop.
- I'm in love with you
Stop it. Zip it.
Please, please.
I'm sorry. Just... Please.
I'm sorry. You're right in my ear
and-and piercing my ears, okay?
Okay, please? Please.
I mean, Matt was
applauding it.
I know. I know.
But you don't understand.
People are clapping because
they're trying to be polite.
- They don't like your music.
- I was just...
- You're embarrassing me.
- I was just...
In front of some
very important people.
You're even
embarrassing yourself.
Just trust me. Okay?
So, how about this?
A guy walks
into a sex shop, right?
[voice fading] And he says,
"I want a blow-up doll."
"A male doll
or female doll?"
"A male doll."
"A black doll or white doll?"
Oh.
[chattering]
What's wrong?
Where's Sarah?
Well, she begged me
to take her home.
Geraldo's driving her back.
What happened?
Nothing.
Okay.
[line ringing]
[automated female voice]
The mailbox is full
and cannot accept
any messages at this time.
Good-bye.
David, give me some
of the lox, please.
David.
David.
Will you pass Dad the lox?
We've asked you three times.
Thanks, honey.
You okay?
He's a little upset
about that girl.
[Matt] Oh, your bride.
Are you joking?
Never mind.
It's a private joke.
Oh, it would have been a lot,
sweetheart, with all you go through,
to take care of someone
with problems like that.
What was her issue anyway?
She had an LD.
An LD. What's that?
Learning disability.
Oh, I'd say more than that.
Was she brain damaged?
I mean, you'd ask her a simple
question and she'd talk your head off.
It was a non-verbal
learning disability.
She also ate a dozen radish
roses off my fish platter.
- [chuckles]
- A dozen radishes. I'm not kidding.
I thought she was sweet.
She was weird.
David, better you
should find someone
who maybe is more advanced
at things than you are.
Like Melinda,
that girl you used to date?
Angie.
Whatever happened to Angie?
The girls from the Internet.
Well, we go
to Florida next week.
Maybe that'll cheer him up.
I liked her
because she was weird, Mom.
I'm weird too.
What do you think about this
for Annie and this for Zach?
Sammy, is Sarah backstage? I
really need to speak to her, okay?
Backstage is for actors
who wanna be in my play,
not for actors who called it "a load
of bullshit," like you called it.
I wanna be an actor
in your play, okay?
I'll even go butt naked
if you want.
I'll even do a gay sex scene with you.
Just let me see Sarah.
After what you did to her, she decided
she wants nothing to do with you.
So please go away, you asshole.
[guitar intro]
Who knows where we will
Or where we will be
Whether it be on a horse
Or in a history course
The other day my dad said he wanted
some wine, so I gave him some.
[whiny]
"Dad, do I have to?"
I get very angry when innocent
people get hurt by bullies.
And it is my job
to protect them.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-
whoo-whoo-whoo!
Try to find
what's going on in their mind
when you see somebody
who's in need.
For those of you
who don't know me,
my name is Jared Klimber, and I'm
from the South Shore of Long Island.
I would like to take a moment.
Just because I grew up
on an educated...
What do you do
with the mad that you feel
when you feel so mad
you could bite?
What do you say when you see a fawn?
"Oh, dear."
[singing continues]
[applause]
Hi. I'm Sarah.
Um, I really
wanna take this time
to show the entire world
my musical theater beauty glow.
[applause]
[horn honks]
[bus pulls up]
You getting on or not?
You getting on
or not, man?
Here, keep the change.
Exact change.
2.75.
One, two...
Aah!
Sorry. I-I-I've never been
on a bus before.
Do you have $2.75, sir?
Aah.
One, two, three, um...
Sarah?
I don't know how much.
That's it.
No. Just one more quarter.
[farebox whirring]
[coins clink]
[car horn honking]
[jazz music playing softly]
[man]
Oh, my God, look at that.
It's so sad that they all messed
their lives up, those people.
Say, why did
the bum vote for Obama?
You're supposed to say, "Why?"
Okay. Why?
Because he wanted change.
[laughs]
Wow, that's funny, Mr. Cohen.
- Hey, you remember my cousin Matt, the actor?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he's doing
a show on Broadway now
and we're gonna tear up
the town together.
Wow.
Yeah, he knows some
of the real cool spots,
real underground places,
you know?
[turn signal clicking]
I thought you were gonna
drop me off in the Village.
Mr. Cohen, I told you,
your mom said that I need to make
sure you get into your meeting.
Traitor.
- [hip-hop playing]
- [woman squeals]
[man chattering]
Oh, gosh.
[woman] Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the summer semester
of Connections.
Over here on this table
we've got some clipboards.
That's where you'll register.
If you have any questions
about Lit Club,
you can ask Mar.
[sobbing]
Paint and Pottery,
you can ask Annie.
- She knows everything there is about those groups...
- [woman] Excuse me, please.
And if you have any question about
Drama Dreams, we have Sarah and Sammy.
They can tell you anything
you need to know about those.
Would you like to talk
a little bit about Drama Dreams?
- Yes!
- Okay.
- Yes, Dorsey.
- All right, here you go.
Hi, everyone. Welcome.
Drama Dreams is...
is a wonderful,
magnificent opportunity
and way to shine
and do a little mix and match.
And we do a lot of...
a great deal of acting
and improvisation
and spontaneous performances
and... that are so flexible.
You go with the flow.
And it's very unscripted, so...
- [people chattering]
- [classical music playing]
[woman]
This is such a good prawn.
- [woman 2] Yeah.
- [woman 1] The music's really great.
[woman 3] Yeah.
[man] Because if you saw what
happened with Bernie Madoff
and all the other people
and AIG and Lehman Brothers,
we were kinda like bookies,
or so I found out later on.
- And then, kinda like...
- Wait, who's Bernie Madoff?
He's a man who
ripped off investors.
His initials are B.M.
for a good reason.
Because he is
a human bowel movement.
I know it's your
first time here.
Downstairs, there's,
I think, this juice bar.
They've got this really good
kale shake down there
if you wanna do
a little juicing with me.
[classical music continues]
What is it with the fruity music
in this place?
Do you have a problem
with the music?
Oh no, man.
It's cool, it's cool. I'm good.
Who's the new initiate
and what's wrong with him?
[man] Well, I guess it's just,
you know, sensory overload.
I don't have a problem.
I'm just passing through.
I bet you say that
to all the boys.
Mom!
I'm not going back there!
Hold on.
Mom!
I said I'm not going back there!
You want to go
to jail, David?
You want to ruin
your father's life?
Dad, make her stop!
I mean, I know she hates me,
and she just wants me
to roll up and die
and... and wants me jump off
a goddamn roof.
David, give it a rest. Okay?
[Father] It's not therapy.
It's a fruitcake place.
Like the judge said, you
show up, you sign your name,
six weeks later: dismissed.
Maybe next time,
don't tell pig jokes to a cop.
And what the hell
am I gonna tell Angie?
Who's Angie?
She's the girl that I'm seeing.
I thought her name
was Melinda.
No, that didn't work out
between me and Melinda.
If Angie has a problem
with this,
her mother can give me a call.
Ooh! [grunting]
[sighs]
[snorts] Aah!
- David, please.
- Aah!
Sorry. I can't help it.
I'm trying.
I don't belong there, Mom.
[Mother] I don't like the look
of the people at that place
any better than you do.
But if you don't do this, you
won't be able to leave the state.
No Florida, no beach club.
You'll spend the rest of the year
stuck up here with Aunt Rudy.
Is that what you want?
No.
Just get it over with then
so everything can
go back to normal.
[grunting] Mmm!
Oh, sweetheart.
Come, let's have some fruit.
You go lie down
with some fruit,
maybe a cool bath, your pj's.
[hip-hop playing, faint]
[computer beeps]
[beeps]
[beeps]
[woman]
Hi. I'm Mar. What's your name?
[man] My name is Sammy.
[Mar]
It's nice to meet you, Sammy.
[Sammy]
It's nice to meet you, Mar.
I'm so happy that you are
here in this organization
that my parents
really helped found.
That's so...
And Connections
is a branch of that.
Oops.
Sorry to cut you off, Sammy.
I have trouble
reading non-verbal cues
'cause of my
vision impairment.
[phone text clicking]
[text beeps]
[Sammy] That's okay, Mar.
I'm always respectful
to people around me.
Their needs and their wishes.
[Mar] That's so cool.
[text beeps]
Mar and Sammy, that was great.
Thank you so much.
- Who wants to go next?
- [gasps]
Sarah. All right.
Who's gonna partner with Sarah?
Andrew, how about you?
Haven't heard
from you much today.
Okay.
- Hey, David.
- [text beeps]
We're gonna stick
with the same thing.
Friendly conversations with
people who we maybe have just met
or don't know very well.
Does that sound okay?
Yeah, sounds
like a plan.
[Dorsey] All right.
David, sound okay to you?
Yeah.
[Dorsey] Okay. Go for it.
So, David, what would you
like to talk about?
Do you like to speak
about movies, operas,
ballets, Broadway musicals?
No.
Me neither.
I'm not really crazy about speaking
about any of that kind of stuff.
[Dorsey] Yes, Sarah.
Dorsey, David's being
really quiet and shy.
He's not participating.
He's not contributing to his
fair share in the conversation.
He's just being so...
really, in dead silence.
[Dorsey] So, let's ask
the group what they think
could help David be more
involved in the conversation.
I think Sarah threw a little too much
information at David all at once.
Sometimes, when you're in a
conversation with someone new,
that's not good.
It can scare them.
[Dorsey] Any other suggestions?
You cannot bring up
a conversation topic
if neither of you
is interested.
So let's find
a common interest.
David, you can even pick
the interest.
How about the Brooklyn Bridge?
Oh! Okay!
That sounds wonderful.
Uh... wha... what do you really
love and enjoy the most
about doing
at the Brooklyn Bridge?
I mean, we should really
make some plans to go together.
That would be very
interesting for both of us.
We can both have
a wonderful time together.
We can both
jump off the bridge.
Dorsey, David's really, really
not cooperating with me.
[laughing]
I can't believe she... she
actually took me so seriously.
Well, David, I actually
think that this would be
a really wonderful homework
assignment for the two of you.
You can practice those
conversation skills
and come back and share that
with the group.
David, I need you
to cooperate.
Just missed
my freakin' elevator.
I just want to get out
of this building.
David,
that's very irrelevant.
We need to focus on getting our
homework assignment completed
that Dorsey assigned us to.
This is very
exciting for me.
- Maybe for you...
- We want to report...
My job and my
responsibility, David,
- is to report to Dorsey and keep her posted...
- [elevator dings]
...on how everything goes that we
observe at the Brooklyn Bridge.
- We have to make this plan.
- [elevator dings]
We were the one
that committed.
We have to stick
to our commitments
and plan properly.
Bye.
David, we have to make...
We're not planning properly.
We have
to plan properly, David.
See you later.
Have a nice life.
[saxophone playing]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You must be Angie.
- David?
- I'm David. That's right.
- So nice to meet you.
- It's great to meet you.
- I didn't know
if you were gonna
recognize me from the website.
You look even more beautiful than...
in person than on your profile.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, sorry.
I'm usually not this nervous, but, you
know, I rarely meet nice, normal, guys.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Um, so, do you want anything to eat or anything?
- Uh-uh.
You seem hungry or nervous
or something...
- No, I'm on this no-carb diet.
- Mmm.
So that's all you.
Did you know that milk
had carbs in them?
- Wow, milk had carbs.
- Yeah.
So, I'm excited about
this U2 concert tonight...
Yes, me too! I love U2!
- I love Bono. I'm obsessed with him...
- Yes...
I know everything about him,
like his date of birth:
May 10, 1960.
- Whoa, 1960...
- Yeah.
You kind of look
like him a little bit.
[Irish accent] Hello, hello!
[laughs]
- Yeah, the glasses...
- That's good.
That's good.
Um, do you always
keep your sunglasses on?
Sorry.
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts] Aah!
It's my allergies.
- Do you need a napkin?
- [grunts]
No, I just...
So, um,
you into sports at all?
- Um, sort of.
- You heard of Kobe Bryant?
Yeah, this morning,
he was traded to the LA Rapers.
I'm sorry.
That wasn't funny.
I got a funnier one.
[imitating Bill Cosby] "My two favorite
things: Jell-O pudding and rape."
I'm just gonna run
to the bathroom.
Aah!
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Sorry.
Angie!
Anj!
Hi.
[rock music playing, faint]
[key taps]
[key taps]
[sighs]
[keys tapping]
[beeps]
[exhales sharply]
[muffled crying, yelling]
Such a fucking bum!
Fucking bum!
[woman]
Welcome to Drama Therapy.
[man] I'm so happy
to be here, Delilah.
[Delilah] Excellent.
So, this summer, we're actually gonna
be working towards a performance.
- [man] Really?
- [Sarah] Ooh!
- [woman 2] Ooh!
- [Delilah] Yes.
[Sarah] Ooh, wow!
Yeah, and what
we're gonna be doing
is we're going to be
exploring who we are.
And then we're gonna be able
to show that to the world.
And so one of the things
we're gonna do this summer
is we're going to create our performance
around the idea of superheroes.
[man, Sarah] Ooh!
[Delilah] So what I want you
guys to be thinking about,
think about, if you had a superhero
power, what would it be?
- [man] I love it.
- [Sarah] I love it!
- [woman 2] That is fantastic!
- [woman 3] Great idea!
[man] I love it. It's just
what I've wanted for years.
David. What happened?
- What?
- You missed our homework assignment.
What homework assignment?
Remember, we were supposed to write
a report about the Brooklyn Bridge.
Look, how about this? Why don't
we do this professionally, okay?
I'm going to pay you money
to do this.
I mean, you want money.
How much do you want, 20?
David, that's
not the assignment.
You're giving me
a really hard time
which is completely not okay,
completely unacceptable.
- [siren wailing]
- Look, David, if you're not gonna cooperate with me
and contribute
to your fair share,
I'm going to advocate myself
and speak my mind to Dorsey,
'cause this is
completely unacceptable.
Okay, you want to go
to the Brooklyn Bridge?
We'll go
to the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?
We'll go to
the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?
Will that get you off my case?
- What does "off your case" mean?
- Will you be satisfied?
It means you'll be satisfied!
Very much so.
Taxi!
[Sarah] Um, I find it
really, really scary.
I feel so much
safer on the bus.
And the only way to get home to my grandmother's
home, safe and sound, is the bus.
And taxis are so expensive and
I find them so nerve-racking.
What are you Rain Man
or something?
I mean, you have to have
a system for everything.
Uh, gotta go to Kmart,
41 Oak Street, lights at 11:00.
Don't you just want to live without
going according to the system,
without sticking
to the line once?
Believe me, I took the bus once.
It was a messed-up
experience for me.
I mean, I got on the bus.
It was goddamn crowded.
I felt like a sardine.
Then when I sat down,
this homeless guy got up to me
and started harassing
the shit out of me.
And I felt like yelling out
"hobophobic" slurs.
Not homophobic, "hobophobic."
What's "hobophobic"?
It's a phobia against bums.
Look, it's one thing if you want
to take the bus by yourself.
You can do whatever the hell
you want on your own.
But when you're with me,
let's take a cab.
I mean, buses are for paupers,
and cabs are for the prince
and the princess.
You know, why don't you just sit
back, lay back and enjoy the ride.
Okay.
How much
do I owe you, sir?
[driver] 7.50.
Here you go, $20.
Keep the change.
Come on.
[pedestrians chattering]
[Sarah]
Come on! Come join me, David!
I'm having a wonderful time!
My first time ever
at the Brooklyn Bridge!
It's a gorgeous
bird's-eye view!
[Sarah]
Where are you going, David?
I'm free now.
But how am I getting home?
How do you
usually get home?
I plan to take my bus.
So then, take the bus.
The bus from the JCC
is the only way
I know how to get home
to my grandmother's home safely,
and I count 13 stops.
Oh, Jesus.
How old are you, Sarah?
David, I'm 24.
And how long have you
been living in New York?
I've been living
in New York City my whole life
since I was
a little born child.
So, you mean to tell me you've
been in this town for 24 years
and you don't know how to get to
your grandmother's house from here?
Well, the JCC...
the bus from the JCC
is the only way I know
how to get home.
That's the only way.
[David] You happy now?
I had to take you all the way
back to the JCC bus stop.
I guess you want to take
the bus, we'll take the...
Look, here we go. It's
your bus stop right there.
Okay? Take the bus, okay?
What?
Um...
Uh...
Yeah?
Um, David... Um, David...
- What?
- Um...
W-What about... What about...
What about... What happened?
When are we gonna finish
our homework assignment?
About the Brooklyn Bridge?
We were there all day.
We just did.
But it's not complete.
We're supposed to
write a report about it.
Well, I don't know. Do it
with one of your friends.
But, David, I really feel strongly
about doing this with you.
I really, really
want to do it with you
because I find you
really smoking hot and so sexy.
Hey, Mom!
Is it okay if Geraldo drives
me into the city, today?
Well, it's a Sunday.
What are you doing in the city?
I just feel like
hanging out and stuff.
You know,
for that group.
I didn't think you were forced
to go there on the weekend.
Do I need to make a call
to that woman Dorothy?
No, no, no. It's not that.
It's this voluntary thing,
you know?
Voluntary?
I just uh, figured
I'd get extra credit.
They'd let me out earlier
for, like,
good behavior and stuff.
[Sammy] You're here
to audition for my play.
Um, a lot of you are
vying for the same part.
I hope that this does not cause any
problems with your relationships.
These pages aren't numbered,
but flip... flip the page.
[coughs]
Here, scene three.
Do you see it, Sarah?
Pardon me, pretty lady.
I couldn't help
but notice you in tears.
What seems to be the trouble?
I'd love to help.
He really is going to be
My knight in shining armor
My Prince Charming
[Sammy] David! You made it.
I want you to audition for my play, for
the leading role of Travis McHenry.
[laughs]
You look just like my idol
that I have loved
ever since I was a teen.
He's on a show
that did not last very long,
but it's called
Malibu Mohawks.
Oh, Malibu Mohawks.
My cousin was on that show!
Your... wait, your cousin?
Matt Cone. Matt Cone.
Matt Cone's your cousin?
- He's my cousin.
- [Sarah laughs]
He's more like a brother to me
because I really...
Matt Cone is your cousin?
- Yeah!
- Like a brother to you?
Just tell me
why he's your idol, huh?
- Why do you love him so much?
- He looks like the person
who really can sweep me
off my feet.
And I know that
he is as wonderful...
He's as fancy on the inside
as he is on the outside.
Okay. What is it
you want me to do?
I want you to try on
some clothes for Travis.
Why don't we try on this
beautiful, handsome, white shirt?
I want to see how
you look in it.
- What the hell is this?
- Come on, David.
This looks kind of gay.
No offense.
Travis is bisexual.
What? Whoa, whoa.
I'm not gonna play gay.
- I... I'm sorry...
- I think you can.
I like women, you know?
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
This is a man's shirt.
Travis is a man.
It says Ann Taylor Loft.
Ann Taylor is the designer.
Yeah, that's a women's designer.
She's the designer.
She doesn't wear the shirt.
The men and the women
will love you. Try it on.
You do realize those people are
weird in there, don't you?
Huh? No.
No? What do
you mean no?
You don't know that
they're not exactly normal?
Um, no.
I mean, do they have you
brainwashed or something?
- What's brainwashed?
- Like, they think for you.
You don't want to be like that.
You want to be normal like me.
[snorts] Aah!
- Sorry. I sneezed.
- Are you okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
It's been a very hot day today.
I bet. It's really
hotsy-totsy today.
You don't have to say stuff like that.
It's kind of irritating.
I mean, "hotsy-totsy,"
"sharing is caring."
Yummy in my tummy.
See, there you go again.
I mean, why do you say stuff
like that? It's very irritating.
So in other words, it rubs
you in the wrong way?
Yeah, that's right.
Meaning, it's not your cup of tea
and it doesn't float your boat?
See, you're doing it again.
You don't want people
to think you're abnormal
or anything like that, right?
Like those, uh, people
at that program.
I don't know.
No offense or anything,
but I think you're above them.
What's your problem anyway?
I don't know
what's wrong with you.
Um, well, I have autism.
Is that it?
Um, no. I also have an LD.
What is that,
like a venereal thing?
No, it's a learning disability...
Oh, huh. Well, I guess
everybody's got problems.
That's true.
So, what's
your problem, David?
Um, I don't know.
I guess I got a little bit
stressed out this year,
but, uh, you know, I've been
getting better, you know?
Why do you have to go home
so urgently anyhow?
How about if I take you out
instead, tonight?
But what will I tell
my grandmother?
Well, if not, then how about
tomorrow night?
Tomorrow is game night.
Thursday?
Thursday, we're going
on a field trip to the zoo.
- How about Friday then?
- Friday is show tunes.
Show tunes?
Yeah, show tunes
is every single Friday.
Every single Friday?
I enjoy it very much,
show tunes.
How about just miss one show tunes?
Just for me?
So I guess I'll see you
this Friday?
[bus approaching]
- This is my bus.
- Yeah, there it is.
We're gonna continue today working
with our theme of superheroes.
Sound okay?
[all] Yes! Wonderful!
So, the question I asked
you guys last week,
and I asked you to think
about it a little bit,
was, if you had a superpower,
what would it be?
Uh, I guess it would be to...
I guess it would be to... to...
I guess it would be
to let them know
who... the world know
who I really am, you know?
[Delilah] To let the world
know who you really are.
But to really express
myself in a variety of ways.
My superpower would be
to get Matt Cone
to fall in love with me
and to propose to me.
Matt Cone is kissing me,
our shirts are off,
we're lying down.
[giggling]
His stomach is touching mine.
All right. Let's try
to stay focused, okay?
On the count of three,
I'm gonna ask you guys
to change the way you're
sitting in your chair.
And I want you to think about
how this superhero would sit.
You ready?
- Okay, hold on I didn't count to three yet.
- Oh, sorry.
Okay, you ready?
One, two, three.
Ooh, careful.
Look at all of these
amazing superheroes here.
What incredible characters.
David.
If you had a superpower,
what would it be?
I'd be invisible.
Why?
So I can go into
the ladies' locker room.
[all laughing]
[applause]
[man] To do this stunt,
takes a lot of confidence.
You all should be confident.
[man grunts]
[crowd cheering]
Give him a hand!
So a guy walks
into a sex shop and says,
"I want an inflatable doll."
- And...
- What's an inflatable?
You know, those sex dolls.
You have sex with those
inflatable dolls
that you see
at the Porno Stop.
But, uh... So, he says,
"Do you want a male doll or
a female doll to do it with?"
"I want a female doll.
What do you think I'm gay
and I want to do it
with a male doll?"
"Okay, do you want a black doll
or a white doll?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure.
I guess a white doll."
That's so racist and offensive.
Well, you want to hear it?
It gets even more
racist and offensive.
"Do you want
a Jewish inflatable doll,
a Christian inflatable doll,
or a Muslim inflatable doll?"
He goes,
"Why do you ask me that?"
"Because the Muslims,
they blow themselves up!"
Allah!
[trills tongue]
You don't get it?
No, I don't.
I find it really offensive
and so confusing.
So... So, you know
that girl that said,
"I'm not working during the week because
I have to do camp in Cranford?"
- Right.
- So I go, "Oh, well, I'm Jewish. I don't like to do camp."
Hold on. What camp is this?
I don't know. I think
it's a concentration...
[snickers]
I'm just kidding.
That's not funny.
Uh, I need to concentrate.
Right. So, what camp is this?
Um, I'm not sure.
Okay.
[stammers] But I go,
"I don't like to go
to no camps. I'm Jewish."
- Well, I'm... Well, you know what, David? I'm Jewish...
- I'm Jewish too.
But I've been to sleep-away camp
and I've performed
in a lot of musical theater
productions and plays...
Oh, it was a stupid joke
I said. I'm sorry...
Can you give me a time to ask
you, maybe, what the joke means?
I'll explain the joke.
I mean, I'll explain the joke.
Because... so I don't have to...
Words can have
multiple meanings.
It's like... yeah, there
were multiple meanings.
Just like with, uh...
Maybe when there's a pause, I can
ask you for clarification...
- Words...
- Wait. Don't interrupt me.
- I can ask you for clarification.
- I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm sorry.
I'm getting nervous.
I didn't mean to interrupt...
Maybe when there's a pause to ask
you so I know what it means.
[Sarah] I need specifics.
[David] I only said it
to make you laugh,
not to make you argue with me.
It sounds like "Who's on first."
[Sarah] I don't want to hear
"Who's on First."
I just... All I care about
is understanding your jokes.
Sarah, I made a boo-boo, okay?
It's not you. It's me.
You know, I didn't mean
to annoy you just now, okay?
[classical music playing]
- How you doing? Chicken and rice.
- [Sammy] David.
- Hey.
- I have an opportunity
- that I think you'll appreciate as a gay man.
- Thank you.
What?
Uh, lamb gyro, please.
Dude, I'm not gay.
- What?
- Sorry. I'm not gay.
Thank you.
But you have
such gay mannerisms.
You're so artsy.
You're so suave and you seem
to flirt with all the guys.
How would you and Matt like
to come to our exclusive club
of show tunes on Friday?
I can't this Friday.
I have plans.
Cancel them.
Nah. I'm supposed
to see Sarah that day.
Sarah is gonna be
at show tunes.
She can't get out of it
this Friday?
She can't ever.
She is the star. She's the diva.
She's the songbird.
She provides the music.
Without her,
there'd be no music.
Well, I gotta see
Sarah that day.
I mean, we had plans,
you know?
I mean, to go out on a date.
She's my girlfriend.
What?
Yeah, she's my girlfriend.
Oh, my God. You know what then?
Never mind.
Don't come to show tunes.
It's okay.
Forget I ever said anything.
Don't come to show tunes.
Wait, wait. What the hell? You just
offered me and then you take it away?
- No, it's okay. I changed my mind.
- I gotta see Sarah that day.
You can see Sarah another day.
Please don't come to show tunes.
Why not?
Why not?
How much?
$12.
There you go.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Thank you.
Your turn, Zach,
if that's your real name.
Uh, how about something
from Les Mis.
Could we please
do something else?
We hear it all
the time from Sarah.
- [woman] How about a song from Cats?
- Which version?
[Zach] Can it be the same one?
I'd prefer it wasn't. We like
some variety in this thing.
Zach, could you
pick something else?
- No...
- [woman] It's up to him, Sammy...
All right.
Your turn, hippy guy.
My name is Dylan.
Don't call me that ever again.
Well, it's your pick.
- "The Acid Queen."
- [man] Great song, but not a show tune.
[chattering]
How about, um, "Paradox"
or "When You Had Left Your Pirate
Fold" from Pirates of Penzance?
You always pick that one,
but the game requires me
to indulge you.
[opera music playing]
[woman singing]
[Sammy] David?
[David] Hey, everybody.
What are you doing here?
I told you not to come.
[David]
I gotta give this to you.
Wow, you look great.
I mean,
you look great in red too.
I love the red dress,
by the way, you know.
I was figuring maybe you
wanna get together later,
after this thing, you know.
Go out somewhere to eat?
Why... Why aren't you happy to see me?
[muttering]
David, I know how
smokin' hot and sexy you are,
but this is not
the right time and the place
to be having this conversation.
We're not gonna
discuss it here any further.
[opera music continues]
So, what exactly is it
that you do, David?
I'm a filmmaker.
Uh-huh.
I have
a project in the works.
Let me guess. You still
live with your parents.
Never earned a nickel
in your life
and never actually
make films,
just talk about making them.
Am I on point here so far?
[David]
I'm a legit filmmaker.
I have a film
which is in consideration
of the Palm Beach
International Film Festival.
Here, take a look at this.
My movie.
[movie score plays on phone]
Please take that thing
out of my face.
A bunch of random home movies
strung together
- in no aesthetic order.
- [music stops]
So, Sarah, my darling,
it is your turn.
[Sammy]
Why don't you ever let me sing?
As my girlfriend,
Sarah has special privileges.
Now sing,
my beautiful songbird.
Let me call you sweetheart
Magnificent. Brava!
- [Sarah continues singing]
- Sarah and Will are a couple?
Let me explain.
Sarah...
is basically a player
or a "man-izer."
Whoa.
This is part of her nature.
She said she really likes me,
that I'm the cat's meow.
She also describes
the Holocaust as "a bummer."
Can you understand
this about her?
Yeah.
Don't expect anything
other than dates and sex.
Can we play the title song
of Anything Goes?
[coins jangle]
Help a brother out, man?
Get that fuckin' thing
out of my face!
It's not my fault you fucked your
life up, you fucking asshole!
Fuck you, you bum!
Fuck you!
- Chill out, dude.
- [spits]
Shut the fuck up!
[Sammy] Okay, Sarah. Zach.
Now, we did scene three before.
Now, we're gonna
try it without scripts.
That being said,
Zach, same thing.
Butt naked would be best.
- If you...
- All my clothes are staying on...
Then that is fine.
- To him directly?
- Yes.
Oh, Travis, I'm so impressed
you came to me...
- Sarah!
- What?
You don't know his name.
No, just say it
without the name?
Say it without the name.
Oh, my God. I'm so
impressed you came to me.
The joy of my life! It makes me...
I'm so thrilled.
- Sarah.
- What?
Do you tell him
how you feel right away?
No.
Why you didn't tell me
you had a boyfriend?
What do you mean?
Exactly what I meant.
Why you didn't tell me
you had a boyfriend?
Well, I don't know how you felt
about open relationships...
Oh! Open relationships?
This is what you call this?
David, I still need to... I need to
still properly smooth you out here.
I mean, what you
don't understand is,
there's so much
fish out there in the sea.
And you let all these fish,
uh, touch you.
No, it's just, all these men who
are on top of me, all over me...
Oh, my God.
Or on my lap.
What? Am I hearing right?
They sit on your lap
and all that?
My God.
Okay, I'm gonna use a really,
really ugly word right now.
I'm not ugly.
I didn't say you were ugly.
I said I'm using an ugly word.
Does the word "promiscuous"
mean anything to you?
No.
It means that these men
do not respect you,
that they just want you
for one thing.
Right in the spur
of the moment,
I feel as though you're putting a lot of
social and emotional pressure right now to me.
When was the last time Will actually
included you in a conversation, huh?
See? I'm not pressuring you.
You do what you want to.
I'm not gonna force you
to be my girlfriend.
Whatever.
[door closes]
[Dorsey] Sarah and David,
you had some homework, right?
You went to the Brooklyn Bridge?
How was it?
It's kind of irritating.
[Dorsey]
Okay. Irritating how?
Sarah, what about you? What did
you think of the Brooklyn Bridge?
Well, to be very honest
with you, Dorsey,
um, even though David found it really
irritating to focus on the positive,
I had a wonderful time.
Terrific memories there.
- [Dorsey] Can anybody else relate to that?
- [man] Yeah. Yeah.
I don't envy anybody, you know,
as far as... [indistinct]
But sometimes...
[Sammy]
This is what I'll do is...
I'm as horny
As Kansas in August
[laughing]
Someone's in the kitchen
With...
[car approaches]
[electric window whirring]
[driver]
Are you getting in, Mr. Cohen?
W-What about your friends?
[David]
One, two...
[yells] Ah! Be angry!
- [game dings]
- Woo!
Wow.
- Yay!
- One more for good luck!
- [dings]
- You gonna kiss your boyfriend?
What about you, girl?
- [Sarah] I don't know how.
- [David] Here, use this, use this.
I just felt like watching.
I have very severe
diet restrictions to gluten.
I wanna make sure
there's no gluten.
I just wanna make it absolutely
very, very crystal clear.
And if it has no gluten, I would
really love the lobster salad.
Does mayonnaise
have gluten in it? No.
- [man speaking, indistinct]
- All right. Okay, yeah.
Look at this. This is fun.
[seagull crying]
It doesn't have to necessarily be
on the beach, David, you know?
Well, this is what
the beach is about.
David, I just really don't
like the sand on my feet. It...
Come on. I just want
to hold your hand.
Can't we do something else?
Like mix and match
and explore a variety...
What do you want to do Sarah? Okay?
What do you want to do? Okay?
- What I want to do David, so badly...
- We're in Coney Island here.
There's like a million things to do here.
What do you want to do?
- [David] Oh, my God.
- [Sarah] What is this ride?
- [David yells] Uh!
- [Sarah] David, look! Look at this.
I love...
This looks so exciting.
- Look at the one right here! Look!
- Uh!
David, sweetheart, this looks
so exciting and tantalizing.
- [riders screaming]
- [David] It looks like the strings are gonna break.
I don't want
you to get hurt.
We won't get hurt.
You'll protect me.
I want to go
on that with you.
[David] I just figured
you'd like the teacups,
the horsey rides, the boats.
Perfect for a lady like you,
you know?
I don't want to go on the baby rides.
I've aged out of those stages.
Do you want to go
on the sling ride?
- Where's the sling ride?
- Look at it, up in the air.
- [Sarah] The boat rides are still not appropriate for my...
- [David] Okay.
[Sarah] The boat rides
are still very babyish.
We can always go on the horsey ride,
you know, like the merry-go-round?
Everybody goes
on the merry-go-round.
- Everyone of all ages. It's not just for babies...
- Okay.
- Okay, I trust you on that. We'll do that.
- Okay.
[kids chattering]
What's wrong?
Don't you want a horse?
No, horses are not for men.
All right.
[ride clacks, whirs]
[calliope music playing]
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
[snorts]
I'm having a blast, David. Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts]
Sorry.
It's my allergies.
[snorts] Aah!
[snorts] Aah!
Aah!
It's okay. It's okay.
Aah!
Aah!
[shouting, indistinct]
[shouting continues]
[shouts, indistinct]
[shouts, indistinct]
[snorts] Aah!
Aah!
[snorts]
Aah!
Uh, about that thing,
the horsey ride.
I just got real sick, that's
all, but I'm okay now, you know?
I mean, uh, I'm not contagious
or anything like...
Sarah, look at me.
I'm okay.
I mean, I've really
been getting better.
[Sarah]
By the place
Where I am lying
And kneel and say
An ave there for me
Well, I always say you can't go wrong
with a little Gilbert and Sullivan.
Gilbert and Sullivan?
For this?
How about some
Justin Timberlake?
Hey, Will.
Let's do "Mirrors"
or "Cry Me a River."
They're both
on your "best" list.
Don't tell me
That you love me
[David] I'm excited to see what
you present in the showcase.
[Will] Oh, really? I thought
you were just passing through.
Until you come
To me
[applause]
Are you
a fairy princess?
I really love
your outfit.
It's so beautiful.
I love green.
It's my favorite color.
My country, 'tis of thee
Sweet land of liberty
Of thee I sing
Hey, thank you.
Thank you.
God bless you.
Here we are.
My cousin's play.
You're just
gonna love it.
[applause]
Hey, Matt, it's David.
Um, we just saw your show.
Um, we're still at the theater,
so I don't know what to do.
You wanna meet us
at the restaurant?
Is there anything I can
help you with though?
No, I don't really
need anything.
I wanna know what your hobbies are.
What are you passionate about?
I don't...
I don't have hobbies.
I just... I just work.
Oh. What are you so passionate
about working in the theater?
What do you love
about it so much?
Nothing.
I don't love
anything about it.
Please give me a call, okay?
- Hi.
- Hey.
We're not exactly asking
for autographs.
Have you, uh,
seen Matt Cone?
I just work the door.
I'm just security.
If I show my ticket stubs, can I go in?
I really gotta see him.
You can't go
in here.
Well, they do come out
here, the actors, right?
I'm not asking
for any trouble.
I'm not a bad person
or anything. I just...
You're not getting any trouble.
There's no trouble.
You just can't go
in this door.
He's my cousin, you know?
I don't care
who your cousin is
or your brother or your
uncle, your grandmother.
I don't care.
I feel like you're
angry at the world.
Why don't you just
lighten up, you know?
I'll tell you a joke.
Shia LaBeouf was in the car
with Lindsay Lohan.
Do you know who was driving?
The cops.
You trying to get hurt?
You wanna get hurt tonight?
Being up so late,
it's gorgeous.
Well, hurry up.
The light. The light.
David, it's
so deserted here.
Like, there's... Like, there's no one.
There's no souls.
- Like, it's practically not even...
- Yeah, nobody here.
- Watch out for those bikers.
- [giggles]
- Isn't this place great?
- Oh, my God.
You know you're at a good restaurant
when the ambience is beautiful.
- [Sarah] Oh, my God.
- Take a look at the menu.
David, but the language
is so confusing.
- I mean...
- That's because it's Italian. It's another, uh, country.
David, I don't speak any Italian.
It's very confusing.
I don't either.
Just order anything
that sounds pretty.
Under "antipasti,"
there's asparagi di campo,
asparagi olive oil,
foggi montinada.
David, that's so confusing
that I have no idea
what that means.
That's how Italian works,
you know?
Good evening. Hi. My name is Kevin.
I'll be taking care of you.
- Hey, Kevin.
- Good evening, Kevin.
- What's up, Kevin?
- Something for the lovely lady and gentleman?
Well, I just want you to know
I'm expecting two more people.
Oh, great. Well, we do have
some specials tonight.
Mozzarella con funghi.
Scaloppine tutta terra.
- Mmm.
- Farfalle con pollo.
Carciofi. Marsala.
Salmone. That's with
the little white wine sauce.
It sounds so beautiful
and romantic.
See, it sounds like music, Sarah.
It sounds great.
Here, why don't you order whatever you
want, okay? Excuse me for a minute.
Okeydokey artichokey.
Oh, my goodness.
I mean, we're holding
the table for you,
but you wanna meet for drinks
after or something?
[Matt] Ah, sorry, bud. This
cast party's not letting out.
But it'll be just you and me next time.
I promise.
Yeah, yeah. And Sarah.
You gotta meet this girl.
She's beautiful, classy,
and goes crazy about me, Matt.
All right, buddy.
I can't wait to meet her.
Yeah, we'll do a double date.
Wow. This is a lot of food.
I'm glad you're getting comfortable here.
How do you like it?
- This is to die from.
- Yeah, it's good, isn't it?
[slurping]
- Mmm. [laughs]
- Mmm.
- [slurping continues] Mmm.
- [laughs]
And here we are.
- [David] Wow.
- [waiter] Would you like anything else?
[David] Um, no. I'll just
have the check. Here.
Great.
I've never seen you
so happy before.
Aren't you glad
you came here?
This is a $900 bill.
What were you doing there,
traveling Europe?
I met a girl.
David, come on. One of the Internet
women, your imaginary girlfriends?
No, this girl's real.
[Mother] Sure she is.
She wants to marry me.
What?
David, that is not funny.
[Mother]
Where is she from?
From that group?
This is a gold digger.
From now on,
you go to your classes,
you come home.
Look, I'll pay you back.
You couldn't pay me back
for a Life Saver.
It's not the money.
It's where will you be
when we're gone.
Who's gonna take care of you
when Dad and I are gone?
[doorbell rings]
Hi.
[door closes]
[woman] Sarah.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi. Who's this?
This is my boyfriend,
David Cohen.
- Hi, David.
- How are ya?
Would you like
a tequila?
Uh, no, thanks.
I'm not thirsty.
- But thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Okay.
- Excuse me. I'm going in.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah,
it's all right.
- [door closes]
- She's my grandma.
Oh.
She's an alcoholic.
Oh.
There's me
at my bar mitzvah.
Oh.
Yeah. I was
a cute kid back then.
That's my prom date.
I didn't even get
to kiss her.
That's too bad.
Well, that's high school.
[Father]
Say hi to the camera, David.
So what do you think, huh?
Isn't it great?
I mean, that's my whole
autobiography, you know.
O-Overall, I really,
really loved it. Um...
It's a powerful film.
You have to admit, it is very
creative, don't you think?
Yeah, it's really...
To be very honest with you, I mean,
it's very powerful and very creative.
I really loved it very, very
much overall, except for...
That's right.
It's a work of art.
Yeah, that's what I really loved
about it, for everything,
except for the ending, which
was really, really confusing.
But that's the point.
Nobody says when I grow up,
I choose to be that, you know?
And sometimes changes
happen for the worst,
and people just have a sad ending
after that, and that's realistic.
Yuh! Like that.
- You know those tics and all that?
- Yeah, I...
- Those noises that I make?
- I'm perfectly aware of that.
But, David, let me give you
also positive critiques.
What I did really, really love...
your childhood memories.
- Your bar mitzvah and your graduation.
- I know.
They were so rewarding
and so special.
- You know my cousin, Matt Cone?
- Yeah.
You know how Sammy always says, "Oh,
Matt Cone this, Matt Cone that.
I want Matt Cone."
You know why?
He's a very, very
important person.
He's an actor
and all that.
- A real big-time celebrity.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's going to, like, put this in a film festival.
- Mm-hmm.
Palm Beach International
Film Festival.
He's gonna open
the door for me,
and I'm gonna catch
my big break in Hollywood.
- You know?
- Cool.
Sarah,
can I ask you something?
Yes, David. Sure.
I mean, I know
that I seem like a big shot
driving around town
with my limo driver
and treating you to all
these nice fancy restaurants.
It never occurred to you,
"Oh, this kid's just
a total bum with no future.
He's just a complete bum."
You don't think
I'm a bum, do you?
Absolutely not, David.
I think you're really,
really bright,
very smart,
really, really a glorious,
hunky, sensational
and just so sexy
and attractive-looking
to a point that it's
really getting me
in a very horny and
sexually-arousing mood right now.
Wow. Oh, my God.
You have your hand on my leg.
That feels
so sexually arousing.
Oh, God.
[woman] Hi!
Hi.
[chanting]
Go, Josh! Go, Josh!
Go, Josh! Go, Josh!
Go, Sarah!
Go, Sarah! Go, Sarah!
Go, Henry! Go, Henry!
Go, Henry!
Go, Henry!
Go, Sammy!
Oh, yeah, baby!
It's so easy.
It's a piece of cake.
I'll teach you, David.
I don't like to dance.
But I'll teach you. It's a piece of cake.
Come to the dance floor.
I'll show you
how to dance.
What about your moves, David?
Show me your moves.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Go, David!
[no audible dialogue]
[Sammy] I would like to make
a toast to Sarah and David.
As somebody
who has dated many men,
I never thought you would find
love like you did with David.
You two are really going
to make it as a couple!
I know it.
So here is to you.
To Sarah and David!
[all] To Sarah and David!
To Sarah and David.
[man] It's getting a little
sappy for my taste here.
When we say "I love you,"
we're really trying to say
to the other person,
"I like you enough
not to wanna rip
your face off
and feed it to a dog,
feed it to a mongrel."
That would be
a bummer.
[Sammy] I don't believe that
for a minute.
I think you two
will get married
and Matt and I
will get married,
and the four of us
are going to be family together
and friends together.
How can you have friends
if the person next to you is the
one who's gonna sell you out
to save his own ass,
you know.
It would be boring.
Imagine if you didn't have
someone to nuke.
Come on, man.
Do you watch
a lot of Fox News?
I'm a Fox News junkie.
I like it the way Homer Simpson
likes Duff at Moe's Tavern.
Do you know what Homer Simpson
said to the drug dealer?
- No. What?
- What?
"D'ohpe!"
- [all laughing]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- D'ohpe!
You know,
I'm with Nancy Reagan there.
[all] Ooh!
[Sammy]
Can you pass the potato?
And the macaroni?
- Any more chicken cutlets?
- [woman] Here you go.
On your way, you're Russian.
When you get in, European.
When you come out,
- you're Finnish.
- [laughing]
What does a soda machine
have in common
with Monica Lewinsky?
Both say "insert bill here."
[woman] Oh, let Sarah.
- No.
- [man] Come on, Sarah.
- I don't know any jokes.
- [Sammy] The jokes are gluten-free.
- I don't know any jokes.
- Don't pressure her. Come on, come on, guys.
- I don't know any jokes.
- It's okay. It's okay.
[David]
I got one. I got one.
This one got me
into a bit of trouble.
Why did the Jewish guy divorce
his wife when she became a cop?
- [Sammy] Why?
- 'Cause Jews cannot eat pork.
[Dorsey] So we've got our showcase
Night to Shine coming up really soon.
And I also have registration
for the fall semester.
If anyone wants
to sign up for the fall,
be sure to register
and write your name down
because this registration
goes really quickly.
There's a clipboard going
around this side of the room,
but I'm gonna start
another one over here.
Just put your name down, and I
hope to see you in the fall
so we can have
more fun together.
[applause]
[all chattering]
I just don't understand
why you're leaving.
Why aren't you
coming back, David?
I don't know. I just can't.
Can I ask you
something, Sarah?
Do you wanna live
with your grandmother forever?
I mean, you do wanna grow, right?
You're a grown woman.
Yeah.
Don't you wanna have all the
things that normal people have?
I wanna marry you.
I don't see myself being
with anyone else but you, Sarah.
If I had to go to Florida,
would you come with me?
To Florida?
No, no, no, no.
She can't come to Florida.
I don't even know this girl, and you
want her to live with us for six months?
What if she just comes
for the ride
and she can stay at Aunt
Evelyn's and Uncle Harry's?
In Boca.
She's not some girl from
some crazy house though.
She really has it together
and she's beautiful,
and she's Jewish too, Mom.
You'd love her so much, you'd probably want
her to be your daughter-in-law one day.
Maybe...
Maybe someday we'll meet her,
but-but we don't
bring people to Florida,
especially people
that we don't know.
- Okay? That dad and I haven't met, so...
- [chopping]
Okay. Well, what if I told you she's
upstairs right now in my bedroom?
I invited her
for the weekend.
Hmm.
Look, this has
no gluten in it.
It's very good.
It's very healthy.
Wow. it looks really delicious
and yummy in the tummy.
Potatoes. Beets.
Here, try this. Try it.
- Tell me what you think of this.
- Mmm.
Oh, I love it.
It's absolutely delicious.
Groovalicious and really
yummy in the tummy.
So, Sarah,
how did you two meet?
Oh, well, Carrie,
that's a great question.
Um, David and I...
us two met
uh, a place called
the Jewish Community Center.
- And I found the perfect one, right here.
- Mm-hmm.
It was a dream come true. It
was very romantic and sexual.
It was what?
I mean, Mom, Dad, you see
how happy I am, you know?
Sarah is the most amazing thing
that ever happened to me.
She's the one for me.
How long did it take to realize
that this was the one?
We met over a month ago,
but officially,
- we've been going out for roughly two weeks.
- Mm-hmm.
We've been dating.
- Two weeks?
- Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- [David] Mm-hmm. That's 14 days.
- Yeah.
[David]
Half a month.
If you have any questions,
you know what to do, okay?
Don't worry about
trying to understand.
Just follow the leader.
That's right.
Follow the leader. Okay?
Just pretend you're interested
in what they have to say.
If they laugh, you laugh.
If they look serious,
you look serious. Okay?
In other words, I will try
my best to lighten my load,
take a chill pill
and have a wonderful time.
Yeah, we just need to
chill out tonight, okay?
In other words,
get the lay of the land,
cool ourselves off
and have a wonderful time.
You don't even have to say that. Just
say, "Yeah, okay, cool. That's great."
Okay, cool, take a chill pill,
lighten our loads, take it easy...
You know that saying,
"less is more"?
- I remember perfectly, David.
- Yes.
Uncle Jimmy. How are you?
This is my girlfriend, Sarah.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Holy moly.
Let me get a look.
- [shutter clicks]
- Perfect.
What did the duck
say to the bartender?
- Come on.
- Here we go again.
It's okay.
Um, what?
Put it on my bill. Ha!
Multiple meanings!
Hi. Oh, how lovely
to meet you.
I'm Sarah Silverstein,
David Cohen's girlfriend.
And I love being a performing artist,
singing, acting and working with...
Let me ask you this,
Aunt Jessica.
Or what about you?
Um, what's your name?
What are your passions and careers
that you guys like to do for fun?
Well, we, uh...
we love artwork.
We like to go
to art shows,
and we like to travel.
What kind of art shows
do you guys like?
We go to a lot
of craft shows.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
It's a really
great pleasure to meet you.
What a blessing.
I really love
your outfit too.
I love the color pink.
It's my second favorite color.
Thank you.
You're very interesting.
Thank you. It was
a pleasure meeting you too.
- I mean, boy, you really love those garnishes.
- Yeah.
Down the hatch-a-roonie
it goes.
Yep.
[Sarah] Mmm. I tasted it.
It was so yummy in the tummy.
Didn't you have enough
to eat, sweetheart?
Um...
- Right?
- I'm fine.
Everybody's okay.
[Sarah]
I'm perfectly fine.
[all chatting, indistinct]
[woman]
We really had a great time.
Did he ever tell you
any of his jokes?
Oh, many, many times
in the past.
They're a bit
very confusing.
It took me a lot of time to
process and understand them.
- Two Jews walk into a bar.
- Right.
They buy it.
[laughing]
You know
why he cracks me up?
I don't know.
[no audible dialogue]
[chattering]
I love your song.
It was wonderful.
- What?
- I love your song.
- What's the name of that song? "The Sun..."
- The sun goes
- Thank you.
- We have to clear out the boathouse for Matt.
- Oh.
- [David] Matt's here?
[Carrie]
In the boathouse.
My cousin Matt.
Remember Matt Cone?
- Ladies first.
- Thank you.
- Just walk on the pebbles.
- Okay.
On the pebbles.
On the pebbles.
No, on the pebbles.
Yeah. Step down.
It's okay. It's okay.
I got you. I got you.
Oh. Sand.
I'm on the sand.
You're on the rocks.
See?
We're on our way
to the party.
See? You're not
getting muddy at all.
- [coughs]
- Ooh.
You don't have to step
on that rock, but...
Yeah, here we are.
[man] We live our lives. We're busy.
And all this stuff going on...
[woman] Yeah,
but then that kind of implies
that you're not
present enough with each other
on a day-to-day basis
to know that...
Yo, Matt. What's up, Matt?
Whoa. David. Holy... Dude, I
can't believe you're here.
What's going on?
Yo, it's my girlfriend,
Sarah.
- Your girlfriend?
- Yeah, my girlfriend.
Yeah?
Is he paying you?
- Shut up, Matt.
- Oh, I'm just kidding.
You're just pulling
my chain, Matt.
Yes, I am, Sarah. I'm sorry. I
have a messed-up sense of humor.
- It's cool, man. It's cool. Yo.
- Yeah, come on in.
- Celebrate with us. Let's make this a bigger holiday.
- [woman] Yeah.
- Yeah, so you remember Karen, of course.
- Hey, Karen. How are you?
- And Julia.
- [Julia] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- [David] What's up, Luke?
- What's up, David?
- What's up, man?
- [Luke] Hey, good to see you, brother.
- [Matt] And this is...
- Sarah.
Hi, Sarah.
Sit down, you guys,
please.
[Karen] Thank you guys so much
for hosting us.
- [Matt] Thank you for having us.
- [Karen] Thank you.
So this is David's place
that we are crashing at.
[Luke] David, this is amazing.
Thanks for having us.
Thank you. It's an honor
having you guys here.
Yeah, it's an amazing honor for
us to be here with you too.
I mean, the star
of Malibu Mohawks.
- [laughter]
- A movie star.
- [Matt] No, no, no.
- [Karen] He loves it. He loves it.
[Matt] Mm, not talking
about that right now.
Why don't you
tell him our other news?
- Oh, my God.
- I popped the question.
- [Sarah] Wow.
- Wow. You're getting married?
You said yes?
Yeah, I said yes.
I'm wearing the ring.
[David]
Of course.
Congratulations.
Mazel tov.
- [Matt] Thank you.
- So are we!
- You guys too?
- We've been discussing it lately,
like in theory
and all that, you know?
You don't waste
any time, huh, man?
- [Karen] Are you nervous?
- It's been the best two weeks of my life.
Yeah, David was especially
really, really nervous.
No, I'm not.
About the... Yes. It's about the
penis going inside the vagina.
[Matt] Whoa.
- Oh.
- No, no, no, no.
But I did teach him
how to have sexual intercourse
in a very constructive way
for the very first time
- at my bedroom in my apartment.
- [Julia] Use a condom.
[Sarah] Oh!
[laughs]
I love condoms.
I live in a condom.
[David laughs]
She's just very sheltered.
She thought you're
talking about condos.
[Luke] What?
Not only am I very innocent
and really beautiful princess,
but I'm a lyric soprano singer
with perfect pitch.
Let me call you
Sweetheart
I'm in love with you
Let me hear you whisper
Okay.
That you love me too
That's wonderful, isn't it?
That's great, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- She's got a nice voice.
Please stop.
Please stop. Please stop.
Let me call you
Sweetheart
I'm in love with you
- Please stop.
- I'm in love with you
Stop it. Zip it.
Please, please.
I'm sorry. Just... Please.
I'm sorry. You're right in my ear
and-and piercing my ears, okay?
Okay, please? Please.
I mean, Matt was
applauding it.
I know. I know.
But you don't understand.
People are clapping because
they're trying to be polite.
- They don't like your music.
- I was just...
- You're embarrassing me.
- I was just...
In front of some
very important people.
You're even
embarrassing yourself.
Just trust me. Okay?
So, how about this?
A guy walks
into a sex shop, right?
[voice fading] And he says,
"I want a blow-up doll."
"A male doll
or female doll?"
"A male doll."
"A black doll or white doll?"
Oh.
[chattering]
What's wrong?
Where's Sarah?
Well, she begged me
to take her home.
Geraldo's driving her back.
What happened?
Nothing.
Okay.
[line ringing]
[automated female voice]
The mailbox is full
and cannot accept
any messages at this time.
Good-bye.
David, give me some
of the lox, please.
David.
David.
Will you pass Dad the lox?
We've asked you three times.
Thanks, honey.
You okay?
He's a little upset
about that girl.
[Matt] Oh, your bride.
Are you joking?
Never mind.
It's a private joke.
Oh, it would have been a lot,
sweetheart, with all you go through,
to take care of someone
with problems like that.
What was her issue anyway?
She had an LD.
An LD. What's that?
Learning disability.
Oh, I'd say more than that.
Was she brain damaged?
I mean, you'd ask her a simple
question and she'd talk your head off.
It was a non-verbal
learning disability.
She also ate a dozen radish
roses off my fish platter.
- [chuckles]
- A dozen radishes. I'm not kidding.
I thought she was sweet.
She was weird.
David, better you
should find someone
who maybe is more advanced
at things than you are.
Like Melinda,
that girl you used to date?
Angie.
Whatever happened to Angie?
The girls from the Internet.
Well, we go
to Florida next week.
Maybe that'll cheer him up.
I liked her
because she was weird, Mom.
I'm weird too.
What do you think about this
for Annie and this for Zach?
Sammy, is Sarah backstage? I
really need to speak to her, okay?
Backstage is for actors
who wanna be in my play,
not for actors who called it "a load
of bullshit," like you called it.
I wanna be an actor
in your play, okay?
I'll even go butt naked
if you want.
I'll even do a gay sex scene with you.
Just let me see Sarah.
After what you did to her, she decided
she wants nothing to do with you.
So please go away, you asshole.
[guitar intro]
Who knows where we will
Or where we will be
Whether it be on a horse
Or in a history course
The other day my dad said he wanted
some wine, so I gave him some.
[whiny]
"Dad, do I have to?"
I get very angry when innocent
people get hurt by bullies.
And it is my job
to protect them.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-
whoo-whoo-whoo!
Try to find
what's going on in their mind
when you see somebody
who's in need.
For those of you
who don't know me,
my name is Jared Klimber, and I'm
from the South Shore of Long Island.
I would like to take a moment.
Just because I grew up
on an educated...
What do you do
with the mad that you feel
when you feel so mad
you could bite?
What do you say when you see a fawn?
"Oh, dear."
[singing continues]
[applause]
Hi. I'm Sarah.
Um, I really
wanna take this time
to show the entire world
my musical theater beauty glow.
[applause]
[horn honks]
[bus pulls up]
You getting on or not?
You getting on
or not, man?
Here, keep the change.
Exact change.
2.75.
One, two...
Aah!
Sorry. I-I-I've never been
on a bus before.
Do you have $2.75, sir?
Aah.
One, two, three, um...
Sarah?
I don't know how much.
That's it.
No. Just one more quarter.
[farebox whirring]
[coins clink]