Kevin Hart: Acting My Age (2025) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kevin Hart: 'Acting My Age'.
Kevin Hart: 'Acting My Age'
That's right.
First, I want to say I'm feeling great.
And that's because life is good right now.
My wife and kids are happy.
My relationship with my family is getting better and better.
I've taken responsibility for all the family get-togethers.
When the whole family wants to get together, I organize it.
The gatherings, the parties, the dinners are all me.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a hassle.
My nephew told me the other day, 'There's something I want to tell the family.'
'Can you help me get everyone together?' And I promised I would.
I called the family and booked a private room at a restaurant.
When we got there, my nephew said, 'I want to tell you all that I'm gay.'
He said it really fast.
He said it really fast.
He didn't even let us sit down and eat.
Then, nobody said anything. Everyone was silent.
I realized someone had to say something. Someone had to break the silence.
And these days, it's my job to say something.
I said, 'Listen, nephew.'
'I think I'm speaking for the whole family. Right?'
Exactly. For all of us.
I want to say that we, as a family...
It's safe to say... listen.
I think it's safe to say that we...
...know. Nobody was shocked.
Nobody was surprised by this news.
When he said that, he was wearing a short top.
It said: 'My asshole is brown.'
'Obviously you're gay.
It doesn't matter at all. We love you.'
My aunt wanted to show off. She stood up and said:
'If we're going to be honest, I have a weight problem.
I feel fat.
Silence again. Nobody said anything.
I realized I had to break the silence again.
I said, 'Sit down, fatso.' I really said that.
'Park that big ass, Pat. That ain't new weight. That's the same weight.'
Pat's been fat since I was 12. 'That's the same weight, Pat.'
Sit down. It's not about the weight.
It's hard to keep a family together.
It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience.
Same with family. I'm the father of four kids, and I usually talk about my kids on stage.
I'm under a lot of pressure as a famous father.
But I think I put more pressure on myself.
You know why? I feel like at least one of my kids has to make it.
I don't expect all four to make it. No way.
All you people who have four or more kids...
You know which kids are gonna make it and which ones aren't.
It's obvious. 'This kid here...'
'Be ready to bail him out.'
I just don't want to be a bum.
I don't want to be one of those famous kids who becomes a bum.
A lot of famous people's kids, with all the advantages, do nothing.
I want my kids to take advantage of their opportunities.
I don't want to be a bum.
I can tell you which famous people became bums. I think about this stuff.
I can tell you. I want to be honest.
I got your phones so I can be honest.
I can be honest and say whatever I want.
If you tell anybody, I'll deny it.
I want to tell you who became a bum.
Michael Jordan. He definitely became a bum.
Whatever you say. Michael knows. I know.
What do you think Michael feels every time he sees Dell Curry celebrating courtside?
With Steph and Seth Curry? Have you ever seen Dell Curry watch the games?
It's like he's saying, 'Look at my kids in the NBA!'
Michael looks at Marcus and Jeffrey sitting on the couch and thinks, 'What bums.'
'All they do is find new colorways for Air Jordans'
All they do is find new colorways for 'Air Jordans' and play 'Fortnite' every day. Look at yourselves.
Let me just say right here that Michael Jordan and I are not on speaking terms.
A lot of what I say has a reason.
Michael's been mad at me for a long time. He's been mad for years.
I was hosting an event and he was late.
I had two bullets in the chamber and fired two quick shots.
It was just a joke, of course.
Everyone knows Michael Jordan dresses badly.
Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen, Michael Jordan wore them.
Big back pockets. Huge.
You could fit a 'Dell' computer in his back pocket.
'Mike, you got a 'Dell' computer in your back pocket?'
'What's going on, Mike...?' Is the modem in there too?'
He was late. I made a joke.
I said, 'Michael dresses like a pregnant lesbian.'
His pants were pulled up, covering his chest.
And he had a little belly.
I haven't spoken to him since.
But I don't care. I don't care who likes me.
It's hard to get me mad these days.
I'm 45. The older you get, the less you care.
It's true. It's absolutely true.
The older you get, the less you care.
If it doesn't involve me and my family, I don't waste my time on it.
I'm not the same as I used to be. My friends have changed too.
I remember how we used to be.
We used to talk about all sorts of stupid things.
Where are the girls and the clubs and the drinks?
Where are the drinks and the clubs and the girls and the clubs?
Every day.
When you turn 45, you just talk about injuries and medication.
That's the reality today. It's true.
After 40, you always have pain. I don't know why.
You always have some pain, but you don't know how it got there.
Every conversation starts with a question about an injury that you don't know how it happened.
'My neck hurts so much today. I don't know what I did.'
'My neck hurts so much today. I don't know what I did.'
Everyone cares about your injuries after 40 and wants to help.
'What do you think happened?' - 'No idea.'
I probably look at the sign too much. I hold it like this.
Everyone knows what you need. Everyone thinks they're a doctor.
'You should buy turmeric and fish oil.'
Rub the fish oil on your neck. And eat a tablespoon of garlic.
Bite into an onion and put your left foot in hot water for 10 minutes.
'Do you think I'm a vampire? What are you talking about?'
Everyone hurts after 40.
The worst part is, after 40, you never fully recover.
You lose a little bit with every injury.
You're never the same again.
I can show you. Look at my arm.
All the way. See? All the way.
Not this side. It's here.
You know what the doctor said: 'Just use your other arm.'
I said, 'Do something about it, damn it!'
I'm asymmetrical all over. Do something about it, damn it!
I'm jealous of the young people.
Young people don't have any problems with injuries.
I play basketball with the young guys.
One of the young guys twisted his ankle. His ankle hit the ground.
He twisted his ankle really bad.
I said, 'Damn it! His ankle must be broken. 100%.'
You know how he solved it right there?
He bent down, tightened his shoelace, and jumped up.
He said, 'It's nothing. I can finish the game.'
'Finish the game?!'
You can't do that after 40.
If you twist your ankle like that, the next day you're walking with a brace.
'How?'
'What's up, Joe?'
-'Didn't you twist your ankle?' - 'I thought I did.'
But it turned out to be my meniscus and Achilles. And my sciatic nerve.
And I got sciatica. I have to rest for eight months.
Eight months?!
Eight months! What the hell, Joe...!
You weren't even playing!
I know. They said I sat down too fast.
Remember not to sit down too fast. Take it easy.
What the hell, Joe. It's so easy to get hurt.
People don't realize how easy it is to get hurt.
I slipped down the last three steps a few days ago.
But I didn't fall. I braked with my heels. You know?
You know what I mean? Oh, no. That move.
I was so scared.
I'd rather have fallen. Much rather.
If you fall, you're done.
But in this situation, you think...
You think about how badly you could fall.
I'm gonna smash my head on the stairs!
You could hurt others too. I pushed the woman in front of me down the stairs.
I panicked.
I just heard...
Stairs are dangerous.
Why do we have so many stairs?
There are so many stairs everywhere.
Going up is fine. Going down is the problem.
It gets scarier as you get older.
I was going down the stairs with my son a while ago. He jumped down.
He must be some kind of 'avenger'. I've never seen anything like it.
What are my son's knees made of?
I go down stairs sideways. Everything changes as you get older.
Are you in a hurry? Go around me.
I don't want to get hurt because of you.
It's easy to get hurt.
I slipped in the shower a while ago. My God.
I was so scared. My legs spread so far apart.
My legs have never spread that far apart. My God.
You don't appreciate something until you need it.
You don't appreciate the shower bars until you need them.
I slipped and almost hit my head, but I grabbed a bar.
I said, 'Thank you, savior bar.'
Yeah.
That's right. A life-saving bar.
It's funny that I didn't grab the big shower bar.
I didn't grab that motherfucker, but I grabbed the little one.
Oh my god. I didn't know those bars were for that.
I'm scared of falling in the shower.
You can get seriously hurt in there.
Falling in the shower? Oh my god. That's what I'm most afraid of
is falling and not being able to move, and getting stuck under the shower
with the water just spraying.
Then I'd have to sit there for six hours and fight for my life.
Six hours I'd have to...
This is how they'd find me.
With a shriveled dick, 'cause I've been in the water for six hours.
Oh my god. Can you imagine?
I'm dying and they hear, 'Oh, look at his dick.'
Fuck, oh my god!
Kill me right then!
'Why's his dick like that?'
He's got a loofah in his ass. It's the last place he washed.
With a little bit of shit on the loofah.
'Oh, shit on the loofah.'
'I'm not touching that gross man with the shitty ass.'
Damn it, I'm dying.
I think about this stuff after my last injury.
My last injury was pretty bad.
I actually broke my dick. It's that simple.
I'm being very honest tonight. Everything has to be said.
I got injured in a competition.
Not on the track.
Not where you run through a ribbon and get a prize. No.
Two drunk guys on the street at 2 AM.
I was racing a former NFL player.
It wasn't planned at all.
We were at a party and I heard him talking at the bar.
He was talking about football. 'I miss football so much.
Life isn't the same anymore. I'll do anything to play again.
When I quit, I lost a piece of myself.'
I don't know why I suddenly said, 'I'll beat you in a race right now.'
He said, 'What? Kevin, are you serious?'
I said, 'Yeah, damn it. Let's go!'
He said, 'Okay, Kevin. We'll do it.'
I ignored so many signs...
...that told me I should back down.
The first sign was how he was warming up, compared to me.
He was warming up a lot. Doing deep bends.
He was doing something with his groin. Messing with his knees.
I call it the 'ice cream scoop.' I don't know what it is.
He was shaking his ass. He warmed up for five minutes.
I swung my legs twice and said, 'Let's go!'
'Let's go!'
The worst thing about being over 40 is having friends your age.
Friends over 40 are the worst.
They'll support any stupid decision you make.
When I swung my legs twice, my friends said, 'Yeah!
'Get him, Kevin!'
'Tear him up.'
I said, 'You're a professional, so I know you have good technique.
You think that gives you an edge, but you're wrong.
My natural talent and ability to run will finish it.'
My secret to running is keeping my fingers tight together.
Hold on a second.
I keep my fingers tight together, and that's how I cut through the wind.
I see the wind like a cake. I cut through it.
When I run, everyone gets a slice of cake.
Anyone who runs with their fingers spread catches the wind. See for yourselves, damn it.
Not me. Look at this.
There was a guy standing at the end of the street. He had his hands up like this.
When he put his hands down, we were supposed to run.
We were at the starting line. I knew he had good technique.
He held one hand like this, the other like that. His head was like this.
I took off like a shot.
Meaning, when... you just want to get ahead of everyone.
Oh my God. The guy was standing way down the street.
After 'Ready, set, go,' he dropped his hands. It was time.
He took off.
I always start running with my head down.
First I start with my head down, then I bring my eyes up.
When I bring my eyes up, I'm always shoulder-to-shoulder or ahead of my opponent.
It's never been any different.
But this time, when I brought my eyes up, I saw the back of his head. 'Oh my God.
I'm losing. Oh my God!'
Something must be wrong.
I can't lose. Something's wrong.'
I saw my fingers weren't together. I stuck them together.
The older you get, the more noise you make when you run.
My friends were standing next to me, yelling, 'Run, Kevin! Faster!'
'Lift your knees, Kevin! Heel to toe. You're right shoulder-to-shoulder!'
'Damn it, I'm trying! I can't catch him.'
With eight steps left, I was talking to myself.
'Run, Kevin. Lift your knees. What's going on? Bring it back, Kevin!'
On the second-to-last step, I heard a sound. It hurt so bad.
Do you know what it felt like?
It felt like my dick went straight into the bushes.
I felt my dick separate from my body and go into the bushes.
I immediately stopped running.
I did what everyone does when they get hurt and made eye contact with someone.
My coach knew immediately. 'Were you okay?' 'No, I fucked up.'
You know how hurt you are when you see who you ask afterwards.
All my friends were standing there.
I said, 'Bring my wife. One of you has to bring my wife.'
When you ask for your wife, it means you want to settle your affairs.
You want to sign your will.
'My dick's in the bushes. I don't want to live anymore. Not with my dick in the bushes.'
They brought my wife. She was frowning when she came.
She shook her head back and forth.
When she saw me, she said, 'What mess did you get yourself into now?'
'Do me a favor and go see if you can find my dick.'
'What...?!
'Go see if you can find my dick in the bushes!'
'Your dick isn't in the bushes.' - 'It is!'
I'm small, so she went to look. 'Come here! I can feel your dick.'
'Impossible. What you felt was just my balls.'
'My dick is in the bushes. I don't want to argue about where my dick is.'
'I'm calling the doctor.'
I called my doctor. 'I can't walk. My dick is in the bushes.'
I took pictures of the bushes because my wife won't help me look.
'I want to come in through the back door, so no one sees me. Get a stretcher.'
She said, 'I'll handle it.' All of this is true.
My friends took me to the hospital. It was a real nightmare.
It was like an episode from a bad hospital drama.
They put me on a stretcher and rushed me through the hospital.
They tore my pants off from the bottom and said a lot of weird words.
'Give me three TCAs and eight SUVs.' I don't know what the hell they're saying.
I don't know what they're saying.
Someone yelled, 'We need to do an MRI and check!'
I don't like MRIs.
But every time I lie.
They pushed me into the machine and said, 'Kevin, are you ready?'
'One hundred percent, doctor. Let's go!'
The door closed. It started beeping.
I freaked out.
I put my hands on the glass and said, 'They're trying to steal my DNA!'
I lost control.
They had to sedate me.
When I woke up, my doctor was very upfront with me.
'Kevin, it's just like you thought. You're badly injured.'
'Both of your adductor muscles are torn.'
'Damn it!'
'Both of them are torn?'
My tears came immediately. I cried. I was devastated.
The reason I was crying was that I hadn't even heard their names.
But I was afraid of the worst. 'I don't have ovaries?'
You took my ovaries, you bastard?!
You took my ovaries?!'
It was so sad.
I got a wheelchair that day. I was in a wheelchair for six weeks.
They gave me a wheelchair from the hospital. The worst wheelchairs there are.
It's one of those that folds up.
You have to be really strong. You really have to...
You have to hit the chair too.
The brakes are behind the wheels. You have to step on them.
I have more respect for people who use wheelchairs.
I said 'more'. I always respected them.
But now I have even more respect.
It all depends on who takes care of you.
If that person is bad, life in a wheelchair becomes difficult.
You need someone who's good. My assistant was terrible.
My first assistant was terrible.
My first assistant was my wife. What a bitch.
That's how it is. I'm straightforward.
On my first day home, she pushed me in front of a window,
locked the wheelchair and said, 'I'll be right back.'
Then she left me in front of the window for seven hours.
Seven hours!
When was the last time you stared at a window for seven hours? I saw everything!
It was like an episode of 'Misery'. I didn't know what was going on.
I peed and pooped myself. 'What the hell is this?!'
Life in a wheelchair was hard. I said I wanted my son to help me.
'My son would be a better personal assistant.'
My son wasn't better. He played too much.
He'd push the wheelchair way ahead of himself.
Then he'd jump on my back, and I'd fall backward.
There's nothing scarier than someone pushing you and letting go
and seeing cars coming towards you. 'Hey...?' Hey!'
Now I understand why people in wheelchairs wear gloves.
I thought they were tired of all the mess.
But when I saw the car, I tried to stop the wheels with my hands.
My palm got a hole in it. A damn hole in my palm.
Another guy in a wheelchair across the street was watching me.
He said, 'Buy some gloves, kid.'
I told my wife, 'I need to get some gloves.
Look at my hand. I need to get some gloves.'
She said, 'I have some upstairs. You can use those.'
I put on the gloves and we went out.
I ran into the guy who'd suggested the gloves.
I wanted to be nice and said, 'Thanks for telling me to protect my hands.
It's important that people like us look out for each other.'
But apparently, that's disrespectful in wheelchair circles.
It has a meaning. He got angry.
He said, 'I'm not letting you put your finger in my ass.'
'I don't want to put my finger in your ass.
I just wanted to thank you. Thanks!'
He said, 'I'm not kidding.' Then he attacked.
This was my first wheelchair fight.
I didn't know what to do. My son had locked the wheels.
I braced myself for the impact. We looked into each other's eyes.
He threw me out of the wheelchair. Oh my God!
I got up. 'Why did you run me over?!'
Suddenly, someone yelled, 'He's faking it! He can move his legs.'
I said, 'I'm not faking.
I lost my ovaries!'
You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries. I do!
You laugh, but this is my life.
After six and a half weeks, I started walking again.
To be honest, a thought occurred to me.
I realized that during those six weeks
my dick hadn't gotten hard once. This is true.
'Oh my God. What if it stays like this from now on?
What if this becomes normal?
What if my wife wants sex and my dick doesn't work? Oh my God.'
I rarely get anxious, but when I do, it's bad.
I was then. You get it. I lost my balance a bit.
I went and bought a dick pill.
That's the truth. I'm not ashamed to say I took a dick pill.
Every man should take a dick pill once in his life
and fuck his wife with a dick pill. I'm serious.
But don't tell them you took a dick pill.
My wife doesn't know I took a dick pill at all.
She'll find out when she sees this, but until now, she knows nothing.
The thing is, you need to understand the terms and conditions of the dick pill.
One dick pill gives you three good days.
The first rule is: don't get carried away.
Remember that. Don't get carried away.
This isn't you, it's the dick pill. Got it?
This isn't you. It's the dick pill.
Don't think your regular dick is like the dick pill.
These are two different versions of a dick. You'll get upset and lose confidence.
You have to keep track of the days.
Day one with the dick pill is about laying the foundation.
You know what you took. She doesn't. You have to act tough.
If you keep stomping around, you'll get what's coming to you.
You must have forgotten what I can do.
I'm gonna give you a flight right now.
If you continue your business there, I'll give you a lollipop.
Okay, Kevin. You're just all talk.
At the end of day one, you give her the best dick of her life.
Day two is about follow-up. 'Didn't I tell you what I was gonna do?'
I can do this whenever I want, like flipping a switch.
The reason I don't always give you that dick is because you don't know how to behave.
Behave properly, and I'll give you more of that dick.
I do behave!
Tell me how to behave, and I'll do it.
You can start by shutting up!
When you have the dick pill in your body, you become someone else.
You're not the same person anymore.
Your demands change. You say new things.
'What's my name?' - 'Kevin.'
'No! My full name. The one on my ID.'
'Kevin Darnell Hart.'
That's right!
What's my national ID number?
What? I don't know.
What's my national ID number? Tell me before I pull my dick out!
No...!
Oh my God.
That's right!
If you like dick, raise your hand.
I like dick.
After that, don't come with your regular dick. You'll be disappointed.
You'll get punched in the stomach right then. As soon as you put it there.
Is it very hard? It's not like yesterday.
What did you say, bitch?
Bitch, what did you say?
It's like the blood in it isn't as much as yesterday.
You said if I behave, you'll give me the dick.
Let me help you get more blood in it.
Kevin Darnell Hart.
Stop saying my full name! Why are you saying my name?
Bitch, don't say my national ID number again!
Do you have a microphone? Who do you work for?
I want the dick.
Take your hand down, damn it!
Then things get bad. Instead of getting hard, it gets soft. Oh my God.
A man gets soft with a woman he loves. Damn it!
It's the worst possible thing. You get the worst kind of terror.
You have to try to save the situation.
You have to squeeze and wring.
Do you know what squeezing and wringing is, sir? It's your last resort.
Your last resort to save the situation.
A man squeezes the root as much as he can to send the blood up.
A man becomes like a 'transformer'.
A man tries to elicit a reaction.
What's happening? Shut up!
You're throwing off my balance.
All men know what I'm talking about,
but they don't have a name for it.
Squeezing and wringing. Here you go.
Tonight all women will ask:
'Are you squeezing and wringing me?'
'I feel like you're squeezing and wringing me.'
You know what my problem was?
My problem was the dick pill salesman.
The guy I got the pills from.
I didn't want to go to the doctor.
I didn't want a prescription for dick pills.
It was too hard.
A prescription for dick pills. My God.
What happens when the prescription runs out?
You can't do it anymore.
You can't get any more pills,
because the prescription is gone.
It's so embarrassing.
How does this conversation go? 'I know, Doctor.
I'm not using them anymore.
I swear. It's over.
This is the last time.
Don't leave me."
I don't like this situation.
I bought dick pills at the gas station.
I did. I didn't mean to.
It was an unplanned purchase.
I was getting gas and was going to buy chips.
They had the dick pills next to the chips,
so I grabbed them.
I drank an energy drink
and felt it right away.
It was the salesman's fault.
I had a lot of questions for him.
I get anxious sometimes.
I treated the salesman like a doctor.
I had a lot of questions.
I said, 'Excuse me. What's the difference between 'Rhinowax Large'
and 'Silverback 45 Pro?'
Okay, so you like 'Rhinowax'?
I'm allergic to seafood.
Is that a problem?
No? Okay.
What do customers think?
Do they usually come back and buy more?
Do they love the pills and want more?'
He said, 'We have this one guy
who buys every dick pill we have.
He puts them all in his back pocket.'
I said, 'There's only one back pocket
that can hold that much.'
'Michael Jordan, damn it.'
Michael 'Dick Pill' Jordan, damn it!
Mike's gonna kill me when he sees this.
We fight in the street. I hit his back pocket. 'Damn you, Mike.'
Damn you! I know where the computer is.
I'm afraid of getting addicted to the pills.
That's a big fear of mine.
This is because I'm a 45-year-old Black man.
Health and wellness are important. Take care of yourselves.
Take care of yourselves when you can make a choice.
Don't wait until you no longer have a choice. Let that sink in.
Take care of yourselves when you can make that choice.
Health and wellness are serious things. That's just how it is.
The reason I take care of myself is that
we have a lot of messed-up stuff in our family.
A lot of messed-up stuff. My family's wiped out. We had everything.
Diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, gout...
A lot of strokes. We've experienced most things.
I don't want to get any of them, so I try to prevent it.
I'm making changes now so I don't have to later.
At least that's the goal.
I...
I tell this to my friends, who are the dumbest people in the world
when it comes to health and wellness. My friends don't respect it at all.
'Spank' is probably the dumbest when it comes to health and wellness.
A month ago, we went out to eat. 'Spank' had a glass of wine.
Then he said, 'Every time I drink wine, I get dizzy.
I get blurry vision and my arm goes numb.
The left side of my face goes numb.
My arm falls asleep. I can't feel my leg.
And it feels like I have nails in my leg.'
I said, 'You had a stroke, damn it.'
He said, 'No, man, I'm going home to drink ginger ale.'
I said, 'What...?!
'I'm going to lie down and drink ginger ale.'
I want to meet the person who convinced Black people that ginger ale is medicine.
I want to meet you and punch you in the face.
It's not medicine!
It's soda, damn it. Soda!
You know what's not in ginger ale? Ginger!
We can start there. There's no ginger!
People have little bottles of ginger ale in their first aid kits.
You goddamn idiots. It's soda!
My friend loves ginger ale. Thinks it's good for him.
My friend Harry's knees have been messed up for ten years.
I know it's a meniscus problem. I know that.
But what does Harry say? 'Slept wrong. Gotta stretch.'
Spank says, 'You gotta drink some ginger ale.'
Harry says, 'Really?' This happened.
Harry gets the answer: 'Yeah, you gotta drink some ginger ale.'
Harry drinks a ginger ale and stands up.
'Oh, damn. Yeah, that's right!
Yeah, I feel the difference.'
You lying piece of shit!
Did your damn knee get better?
No way!
Health and wellness is about
what you eat and what you don't eat.
It's a war you lose every day.
Some people get it, some don't.
What you eat and what you don't eat?
Old people don't care.
Old people don't care at all.
Have you ever tried to teach an old man?
'Salt's not good for you, Grandpa.'
'Well, of course I know that, damn it!
I don't give a shit about you or the doctor.'
They don't care.
I know what I eat and what I don't eat.
I love the chicken sandwich from
Chick-fil-A.
But I shouldn't eat it.
The best sandwich in the world,
but I shouldn't eat it.
This sandwich is undefeated.
It has never lost a battle with my body.
Every time I eat it,
it comes right out the other end.
'Came out.'
I don't even have to look.
I know what's going on down there.
You know what pisses me off?
I chew that sandwich up good.
But somehow it reassembles itself
and a piece comes back out.
The bun falls on the toilet seat
and the chicken falls on the floor.
I have to pick it all up again
and throw it in the toilet.
Forget that sandwich.
It's a fire from hell.
The older you get,
the less you can eat.
Your stomach gets more sensitive as you get older.
You can't eat everything.
If you want to laugh, eat with old people.
Listen to what they tell the waiter
they can't eat.
It might be small things.
'Excuse me, is there lemon juice?'
Take that out!
If I eat that, I'm done for a month.
I'll have diarrhea for days.
'Lemon makes you have diarrhea?'
'Is it on sesame seed bread?
Take this away!'
If I eat sesame seeds,
I'm done for a year.
'What...?!
A whole year?!
But getting old is cool.
I'm really looking forward to getting old.
You just have to know
how you want to get old.
I know who I want to be,
and who I don't.
I've talked to my family about it.
At a certain point, I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to be like that.
It's like someone just called you.
I don't want to live like that.
I don't want to be reminded of what I like.
'Grandpa, do you want pancakes?'
'No, damn it.'
'You love pancakes.'
'That's right. I love pancakes.'
Take me out back
and shoot me.
I don't want to bore people like that.
'Can't someone just put him out of his misery?'
I don't want the pillbox.
I don't want that either.
I'd rather die than have that pillbox with the days of the week.
I'd rather die than bring that out at dinner.
'Child...'
Does anyone know what day it is?
Thursday? No! I thought it was Tuesday.
Kill me!
I don't want to be there then.
If I can't blow out my birthday candles, I don't want to be there.
That's the worst thing you can do to an old person. You turn 85
and get a big birthday cake with 85 candles.
Happy birthday, Grandma. Blow out the candles.
Grandma, you can do it. No, she can't!
I've been waiting 45 minutes for her to blow out those damn candles!
I have to go to work!
Grandma, you can do it.
I don't want to be there then.
I want to get to the age where I can say whatever's on my mind.
I want to be that old.
At a certain age, you start saying things without caring.
You're getting close to the end. Some old guys handle it well.
A prime example is the legend Quincy Jones.
God rest his soul. Quincy Jones.
My God.
When Quincy got old, he said whatever he wanted.
Quincy's last five interviews are pure comedy.
He'd say things that had nothing to do with the questions he was asked.
Quincy would take his time and do his own thing.
They asked him, 'What does music mean to you?'
He said, 'I've slept with all the Supremes.' 'What...?!'
Oh my God, Quincy. What...?
I don't care!
The Supremes had very good-looking men. I don't care!
I've been doing cocaine for 60 years. Oh, damn!
Quincy...
Quincy, stop talking.
I don't care! People need to know this stuff.
I know a lot of things.
I know Stevie Wonder isn't blind. He's just acting.
He's always been acting.
Steve once asked how he could compete with Ray Charles.
I said, 'You better be blind.'
You know what Steve did? He did exactly that.
He can see the piano keys!
He's just acting.
Enough, Joe. Enough.
I told Joe Jackson to beat his kids.
He didn't miss a single day!
I have something else.
Something else.
I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin. I did that!
He wanted to be a solo artist. I said, 'Then you need bleach.'
This is an age I want to reach.
When you can say whatever the hell you want. I'm getting there.
I have a joke I wasn't sure about telling, but I'll tell it.
Remember that dinner I told you about, that I set up for my niece?
When we finished eating, the waiter came over. This is true.
He asked if we wanted dessert. The rest went crazy.
'We definitely want dessert. Bring the sweet potato pie and the lemon pie.'
'Chocolate cake and red velvet cupcakes.'
'I want to try the apple pie. I'll try yours. Bring the root beer.'
He asked me if I wanted anything. I said, 'I don't eat dessert.'
Then my uncle got angry. 'Look at little Hollywood.'
Look at little Hollywood!
You're too good to eat dessert with your damn family?
You're too perfect? Give me one good reason why you can't eat dessert with us.
Why can't you eat dessert with your damn family?
I said, 'Maybe it's because there's only a left foot under the table.'
Think about it.
You get it?
This is a diabetic joke.
When Black people get diabetes, the first thing they lose is their feet.
If you look under the table, you'll only see a left foot.
Everyone's right foot is gone. You get it now?
The best part of the joke is seeing a white person's confusion afterwards.
'Why does the whole family have amputated feet?'
He was totally confused. 'What...?'
But can I keep this?
Maybe I can't keep this joke, because my uncle only has one leg.
This is real. And the next time we see him, he'll be arrogant.
'You're so cool, Kevin.'
You're so cool, Kevin!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put my foot in your ass!
He just had his legs amputated.
But he hasn't come to terms with it yet.
He says a lot of things that require two legs.
He's wrong.
The comedian in me can't let it go.
We were sitting in the car a few days ago, and he said, 'I'm gonna run and get my jacket.'
I said...
'You can hop in and get your damn jacket.
But you're not running anywhere.'
This is a good opportunity to talk about how this show connects.
I call it 'Acting My Age'.
I want to draw attention to how important aging is.
In our time, everyone tries to get younger.
Everyone wants to turn back time. Nobody celebrates aging.
Aging is synonymous with a long life, experience, and wisdom.
Without those things, you don't win at life.
You have to understand that aging is a damn blessing.
It's an incredible blessing, because not everyone makes it.
Not everyone does.
Turning 50, 60, 70, and 80 is not guaranteed.
You guys who make it there are very lucky.
Put yourselves on a pedestal and celebrate your lives as you get old.
Don't be afraid to maintain your path.
When you get very old, maintain your path. Don't start swinging.
Don't swing anymore.
That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick.
I should never have competed with that.
I ruined that whole summer. I threw it in the trash.
The family wanted to travel all summer.
But we only got to take one trip.
We went to Rwanda.
I took the family to Rwanda to experience something new.
Something we could remember together.
Something that could give us some damn culture.
Understanding another environment.
When we travel, we never say no. We try everything.
The first thing we heard in Rwanda was that we had to go gorilla trekking.
You have to go gorilla trekking.
If you don't know what gorilla trekking is, I'll try to explain.
Gorilla trekking is when you go into the jungle
and discover what appears to be gorilla tracks.
You follow these tracks to see the gorillas in their natural habitat.
I said, 'Okay, I'm in.'
The reason I agreed was I thought it was a glass enclosure.
It had to be a glass enclosure.
I'd never seen a gorilla without looking through glass.
They said, 'Young children can't come.'
So it was me, my wife, and two teenagers.
We went with two other groups.
A white family of four and four white friends.
Twelve people in total.
To get into the jungle, you have to walk through the park. This is real.
When we got to the jungle, soldiers came.
They had machine guns and other tactical gear.
They had rifles strapped to their legs.
When I saw this, I had some questions.
'Excuse me. Excuse me.'
'What's going on? Why are they here?'
He said, 'They're here in case the gorillas get too aggressive and have to be put down.'
'When you say... what do they do? Bang on the glass?'
'Can they break the glass?'
Nobody answered, so I figured that was it.
A guide joined us. His name was Antoine.
Antoine is a man who has dedicated his life to understanding gorillas.
He knows gorillas like no one else.
Antoine is a black man that I don't want the white people to know about.
Antoine was the closest thing I'd ever seen to a human gorilla.
It might sound crazy, but I'll explain why.
Antoine's job was to explain what we should do when we encounter gorillas.
These are Antoine's words. I'm quoting what he told us.
'Okay, listen up.'
Rule number one: Do not make eye contact with the gorilla.
If a gorilla looks at you, look down. Show that you're surrendering.
Surrender to the gorilla. You have no power. The gorilla has all the power. You have no power.
You have no power compared to the gorilla. Look down.
Show the gorilla that he has all the power and you have none.
You have no power.
Rule number two: You have to become one with the gorilla.
You have to do what the gorilla does.
Then he suddenly turns into a fucking gorilla.
I can't believe it.
I get angry that a black man is acting like a gorilla in front of white people.
The white people were taking notes.
I got angry. 'What the hell are you writing?'
She silenced me. 'Listen to him.'
'Shut up! Don't tell me to listen.'
What are you writing?!' 'Antoine' continues.
He jumps and hits the ground.
Then he looks at my son and says, 'Now it's your turn.'
I said, 'He's not going to do that!'
My son shouldn't have to act like a gorilla in front of white people,
and get messed up like Jordan's kids!
You're not doing that to my son.
You're not doing that to my son!'
He said, 'Do whatever you want!'
He runs to a tree and peels its bark.
He licks the sugar underneath.
'Gorillas love sugar. You should do that too.'
He picks some eucalyptus from the bushes and rubs it all over his body.
'Gorillas love eucalyptus. You should smell like eucalyptus.
Now we're walking!'
Then he runs into the jungle.
'What's going on?!'
We have to follow him.
We walk into the jungle. I swear, this is all real.
After 15-20 minutes, he stops. He says, 'Stop.'
Then he says, 'They're here.'
I said, 'Where's the glass? I want to stand behind the glass.
Where's the glass?
I turn to my left.
About seven to nine female gorillas come out of the bushes.
On two legs. Those bastards walk on two legs.
I've never seen anything like it. I raise my hand.
I look at the ground and signal that I surrender.
'Antoine' tried to get me up. 'Kevin, get up.'
I said, 'No. Leave me alone. I have no power. They have the power.'
I have no power.
I have no power. They have the power.
I see my wife has her phone light on.
She's trying to film. She's trying to take pictures.
I hit her. 'Bitch, get down! Surrender.'
We have no power. They have the power. We have no power!
Suddenly there are about 15 of them.
A whole damn family. Nieces, aunts, and uncles.
Those bastards are circling, and we're standing in the middle.
Everything happens so fast.
Then a gorilla touched my forehead.
He didn't hit me, but he pulled my forehead back
and opened my eyes wider than they'd ever been opened by myself.
A lot of the whites of my eyes showed.
I could see a soldier next to me. I said:
'Shoot him! What the hell are you doing?
Shoot! I'm being attacked.
He's gonna rip my forehead off or something!'
The gorillas keep playing. It gets very wild.
Suddenly they all get up together and run into the jungle.
'Antoine' is very excited.
Isn't it beautiful to see gorilla life up close?
Now we'll follow the gorilla's tracks to see how it lives. We're going after the gorilla.
I said, 'No way!'
I'm not going after any damn gorilla. No! I'm going back.
I'll take the family and leave. We'll take a soldier with us
who dares to do his job, unlike that coward.
You're a coward. Yes, you are.
He wanted to take my head off, damn it!
He said, 'No, you have to finish the walk.'
'No, I'm going back.'
He said, 'The boss is coming.' I said, 'Good. I want to talk to him.'
I don't like how you treated us.
This is real. I look to the left.
A real silverback gorilla comes out of the damn bushes.
My God. When I say a real silverback gorilla,
I'm talking about a real brute. Just the chest, no legs.
This gorilla never trained his legs. Just the chest!
If a gorilla falls into an asylum, this is what he becomes.
I had never seen anything like it.
He touched a tree and fell to the ground.
I can't believe I stood next to a real silverback gorilla.
I was completely mesmerized.
Everyone else is lying down. Everyone is giving up.
I'm the only one standing, staring at the silverback gorilla.
The one who broke the spell was my son. He hit my leg.
I turned around and my son said:
'Goodbye, Dad.' I said, 'What the hell...?!'
What do you mean... My God.
My God! That's when I realized I broke the first rule.
Which was: 'Don't look the silverback gorilla in the eyes.'
I'm staring right into the silverback gorilla's eyes.
Now I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
I look for Antoine to help. But Antoine seems to have disappeared.
Antoine was running more technically perfect than I had ever seen.
He had his fingers completely clenched.
He was flying, damn it.
He cut through the wind like nothing. You get me?
At that moment, I don't know what to do.
The silverback gorilla and I look at each other.
You should know that I was never a 'jerk'.
I don't want to start there and then. That's how it is.
When I look at the silverback gorilla, he beats his chest.
I know what it means.
A silverback beats his chest to show his strength.
That's how they establish dominance before a fight.
And when two silverbacks fight, one of them loses everything.
He loses his wife and his kids.
A silverback who loses a fight has nothing left.
He has to build a new life. He has nothing left.
That's why this one had so many kids and wives.
He had defeated many silverbacks.
I have a question for you. Answer it yourself later.
Is it really a loss? If we fight...
Let's say I lose a fight and someone takes my wife and kids.
They go with him, and I go somewhere else.
Is that how it works? It doesn't seem like a loss.
Okay. I look at the silverback, and he looks at me.
That's it. I don't want to beat my chest.
Then he'll know I'm a bitch. No way.
I did what every man has to do.
Every man in my position would have done the exact same thing.
I looked the silverback in the eye and acted like Antoine.
I jumped and slammed him. I ripped off bark.
I rubbed eucalyptus on my ass.
The only reason I'm telling you this is because the white people filmed all of it.
It could be all over the internet any second.
That's why I want to explain that I did this to save my family.
I learned something that day.
I realized I should have chosen that other dick pill.
I should have chosen Silverback 45 Pro.
It's a stronger dick pill, and you're a strong audience.
Thank you so much for coming.
My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good night.
Kevin Hart: 'Acting My Age'
That's right.
First, I want to say I'm feeling great.
And that's because life is good right now.
My wife and kids are happy.
My relationship with my family is getting better and better.
I've taken responsibility for all the family get-togethers.
When the whole family wants to get together, I organize it.
The gatherings, the parties, the dinners are all me.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a hassle.
My nephew told me the other day, 'There's something I want to tell the family.'
'Can you help me get everyone together?' And I promised I would.
I called the family and booked a private room at a restaurant.
When we got there, my nephew said, 'I want to tell you all that I'm gay.'
He said it really fast.
He said it really fast.
He didn't even let us sit down and eat.
Then, nobody said anything. Everyone was silent.
I realized someone had to say something. Someone had to break the silence.
And these days, it's my job to say something.
I said, 'Listen, nephew.'
'I think I'm speaking for the whole family. Right?'
Exactly. For all of us.
I want to say that we, as a family...
It's safe to say... listen.
I think it's safe to say that we...
...know. Nobody was shocked.
Nobody was surprised by this news.
When he said that, he was wearing a short top.
It said: 'My asshole is brown.'
'Obviously you're gay.
It doesn't matter at all. We love you.'
My aunt wanted to show off. She stood up and said:
'If we're going to be honest, I have a weight problem.
I feel fat.
Silence again. Nobody said anything.
I realized I had to break the silence again.
I said, 'Sit down, fatso.' I really said that.
'Park that big ass, Pat. That ain't new weight. That's the same weight.'
Pat's been fat since I was 12. 'That's the same weight, Pat.'
Sit down. It's not about the weight.
It's hard to keep a family together.
It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience.
Same with family. I'm the father of four kids, and I usually talk about my kids on stage.
I'm under a lot of pressure as a famous father.
But I think I put more pressure on myself.
You know why? I feel like at least one of my kids has to make it.
I don't expect all four to make it. No way.
All you people who have four or more kids...
You know which kids are gonna make it and which ones aren't.
It's obvious. 'This kid here...'
'Be ready to bail him out.'
I just don't want to be a bum.
I don't want to be one of those famous kids who becomes a bum.
A lot of famous people's kids, with all the advantages, do nothing.
I want my kids to take advantage of their opportunities.
I don't want to be a bum.
I can tell you which famous people became bums. I think about this stuff.
I can tell you. I want to be honest.
I got your phones so I can be honest.
I can be honest and say whatever I want.
If you tell anybody, I'll deny it.
I want to tell you who became a bum.
Michael Jordan. He definitely became a bum.
Whatever you say. Michael knows. I know.
What do you think Michael feels every time he sees Dell Curry celebrating courtside?
With Steph and Seth Curry? Have you ever seen Dell Curry watch the games?
It's like he's saying, 'Look at my kids in the NBA!'
Michael looks at Marcus and Jeffrey sitting on the couch and thinks, 'What bums.'
'All they do is find new colorways for Air Jordans'
All they do is find new colorways for 'Air Jordans' and play 'Fortnite' every day. Look at yourselves.
Let me just say right here that Michael Jordan and I are not on speaking terms.
A lot of what I say has a reason.
Michael's been mad at me for a long time. He's been mad for years.
I was hosting an event and he was late.
I had two bullets in the chamber and fired two quick shots.
It was just a joke, of course.
Everyone knows Michael Jordan dresses badly.
Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen, Michael Jordan wore them.
Big back pockets. Huge.
You could fit a 'Dell' computer in his back pocket.
'Mike, you got a 'Dell' computer in your back pocket?'
'What's going on, Mike...?' Is the modem in there too?'
He was late. I made a joke.
I said, 'Michael dresses like a pregnant lesbian.'
His pants were pulled up, covering his chest.
And he had a little belly.
I haven't spoken to him since.
But I don't care. I don't care who likes me.
It's hard to get me mad these days.
I'm 45. The older you get, the less you care.
It's true. It's absolutely true.
The older you get, the less you care.
If it doesn't involve me and my family, I don't waste my time on it.
I'm not the same as I used to be. My friends have changed too.
I remember how we used to be.
We used to talk about all sorts of stupid things.
Where are the girls and the clubs and the drinks?
Where are the drinks and the clubs and the girls and the clubs?
Every day.
When you turn 45, you just talk about injuries and medication.
That's the reality today. It's true.
After 40, you always have pain. I don't know why.
You always have some pain, but you don't know how it got there.
Every conversation starts with a question about an injury that you don't know how it happened.
'My neck hurts so much today. I don't know what I did.'
'My neck hurts so much today. I don't know what I did.'
Everyone cares about your injuries after 40 and wants to help.
'What do you think happened?' - 'No idea.'
I probably look at the sign too much. I hold it like this.
Everyone knows what you need. Everyone thinks they're a doctor.
'You should buy turmeric and fish oil.'
Rub the fish oil on your neck. And eat a tablespoon of garlic.
Bite into an onion and put your left foot in hot water for 10 minutes.
'Do you think I'm a vampire? What are you talking about?'
Everyone hurts after 40.
The worst part is, after 40, you never fully recover.
You lose a little bit with every injury.
You're never the same again.
I can show you. Look at my arm.
All the way. See? All the way.
Not this side. It's here.
You know what the doctor said: 'Just use your other arm.'
I said, 'Do something about it, damn it!'
I'm asymmetrical all over. Do something about it, damn it!
I'm jealous of the young people.
Young people don't have any problems with injuries.
I play basketball with the young guys.
One of the young guys twisted his ankle. His ankle hit the ground.
He twisted his ankle really bad.
I said, 'Damn it! His ankle must be broken. 100%.'
You know how he solved it right there?
He bent down, tightened his shoelace, and jumped up.
He said, 'It's nothing. I can finish the game.'
'Finish the game?!'
You can't do that after 40.
If you twist your ankle like that, the next day you're walking with a brace.
'How?'
'What's up, Joe?'
-'Didn't you twist your ankle?' - 'I thought I did.'
But it turned out to be my meniscus and Achilles. And my sciatic nerve.
And I got sciatica. I have to rest for eight months.
Eight months?!
Eight months! What the hell, Joe...!
You weren't even playing!
I know. They said I sat down too fast.
Remember not to sit down too fast. Take it easy.
What the hell, Joe. It's so easy to get hurt.
People don't realize how easy it is to get hurt.
I slipped down the last three steps a few days ago.
But I didn't fall. I braked with my heels. You know?
You know what I mean? Oh, no. That move.
I was so scared.
I'd rather have fallen. Much rather.
If you fall, you're done.
But in this situation, you think...
You think about how badly you could fall.
I'm gonna smash my head on the stairs!
You could hurt others too. I pushed the woman in front of me down the stairs.
I panicked.
I just heard...
Stairs are dangerous.
Why do we have so many stairs?
There are so many stairs everywhere.
Going up is fine. Going down is the problem.
It gets scarier as you get older.
I was going down the stairs with my son a while ago. He jumped down.
He must be some kind of 'avenger'. I've never seen anything like it.
What are my son's knees made of?
I go down stairs sideways. Everything changes as you get older.
Are you in a hurry? Go around me.
I don't want to get hurt because of you.
It's easy to get hurt.
I slipped in the shower a while ago. My God.
I was so scared. My legs spread so far apart.
My legs have never spread that far apart. My God.
You don't appreciate something until you need it.
You don't appreciate the shower bars until you need them.
I slipped and almost hit my head, but I grabbed a bar.
I said, 'Thank you, savior bar.'
Yeah.
That's right. A life-saving bar.
It's funny that I didn't grab the big shower bar.
I didn't grab that motherfucker, but I grabbed the little one.
Oh my god. I didn't know those bars were for that.
I'm scared of falling in the shower.
You can get seriously hurt in there.
Falling in the shower? Oh my god. That's what I'm most afraid of
is falling and not being able to move, and getting stuck under the shower
with the water just spraying.
Then I'd have to sit there for six hours and fight for my life.
Six hours I'd have to...
This is how they'd find me.
With a shriveled dick, 'cause I've been in the water for six hours.
Oh my god. Can you imagine?
I'm dying and they hear, 'Oh, look at his dick.'
Fuck, oh my god!
Kill me right then!
'Why's his dick like that?'
He's got a loofah in his ass. It's the last place he washed.
With a little bit of shit on the loofah.
'Oh, shit on the loofah.'
'I'm not touching that gross man with the shitty ass.'
Damn it, I'm dying.
I think about this stuff after my last injury.
My last injury was pretty bad.
I actually broke my dick. It's that simple.
I'm being very honest tonight. Everything has to be said.
I got injured in a competition.
Not on the track.
Not where you run through a ribbon and get a prize. No.
Two drunk guys on the street at 2 AM.
I was racing a former NFL player.
It wasn't planned at all.
We were at a party and I heard him talking at the bar.
He was talking about football. 'I miss football so much.
Life isn't the same anymore. I'll do anything to play again.
When I quit, I lost a piece of myself.'
I don't know why I suddenly said, 'I'll beat you in a race right now.'
He said, 'What? Kevin, are you serious?'
I said, 'Yeah, damn it. Let's go!'
He said, 'Okay, Kevin. We'll do it.'
I ignored so many signs...
...that told me I should back down.
The first sign was how he was warming up, compared to me.
He was warming up a lot. Doing deep bends.
He was doing something with his groin. Messing with his knees.
I call it the 'ice cream scoop.' I don't know what it is.
He was shaking his ass. He warmed up for five minutes.
I swung my legs twice and said, 'Let's go!'
'Let's go!'
The worst thing about being over 40 is having friends your age.
Friends over 40 are the worst.
They'll support any stupid decision you make.
When I swung my legs twice, my friends said, 'Yeah!
'Get him, Kevin!'
'Tear him up.'
I said, 'You're a professional, so I know you have good technique.
You think that gives you an edge, but you're wrong.
My natural talent and ability to run will finish it.'
My secret to running is keeping my fingers tight together.
Hold on a second.
I keep my fingers tight together, and that's how I cut through the wind.
I see the wind like a cake. I cut through it.
When I run, everyone gets a slice of cake.
Anyone who runs with their fingers spread catches the wind. See for yourselves, damn it.
Not me. Look at this.
There was a guy standing at the end of the street. He had his hands up like this.
When he put his hands down, we were supposed to run.
We were at the starting line. I knew he had good technique.
He held one hand like this, the other like that. His head was like this.
I took off like a shot.
Meaning, when... you just want to get ahead of everyone.
Oh my God. The guy was standing way down the street.
After 'Ready, set, go,' he dropped his hands. It was time.
He took off.
I always start running with my head down.
First I start with my head down, then I bring my eyes up.
When I bring my eyes up, I'm always shoulder-to-shoulder or ahead of my opponent.
It's never been any different.
But this time, when I brought my eyes up, I saw the back of his head. 'Oh my God.
I'm losing. Oh my God!'
Something must be wrong.
I can't lose. Something's wrong.'
I saw my fingers weren't together. I stuck them together.
The older you get, the more noise you make when you run.
My friends were standing next to me, yelling, 'Run, Kevin! Faster!'
'Lift your knees, Kevin! Heel to toe. You're right shoulder-to-shoulder!'
'Damn it, I'm trying! I can't catch him.'
With eight steps left, I was talking to myself.
'Run, Kevin. Lift your knees. What's going on? Bring it back, Kevin!'
On the second-to-last step, I heard a sound. It hurt so bad.
Do you know what it felt like?
It felt like my dick went straight into the bushes.
I felt my dick separate from my body and go into the bushes.
I immediately stopped running.
I did what everyone does when they get hurt and made eye contact with someone.
My coach knew immediately. 'Were you okay?' 'No, I fucked up.'
You know how hurt you are when you see who you ask afterwards.
All my friends were standing there.
I said, 'Bring my wife. One of you has to bring my wife.'
When you ask for your wife, it means you want to settle your affairs.
You want to sign your will.
'My dick's in the bushes. I don't want to live anymore. Not with my dick in the bushes.'
They brought my wife. She was frowning when she came.
She shook her head back and forth.
When she saw me, she said, 'What mess did you get yourself into now?'
'Do me a favor and go see if you can find my dick.'
'What...?!
'Go see if you can find my dick in the bushes!'
'Your dick isn't in the bushes.' - 'It is!'
I'm small, so she went to look. 'Come here! I can feel your dick.'
'Impossible. What you felt was just my balls.'
'My dick is in the bushes. I don't want to argue about where my dick is.'
'I'm calling the doctor.'
I called my doctor. 'I can't walk. My dick is in the bushes.'
I took pictures of the bushes because my wife won't help me look.
'I want to come in through the back door, so no one sees me. Get a stretcher.'
She said, 'I'll handle it.' All of this is true.
My friends took me to the hospital. It was a real nightmare.
It was like an episode from a bad hospital drama.
They put me on a stretcher and rushed me through the hospital.
They tore my pants off from the bottom and said a lot of weird words.
'Give me three TCAs and eight SUVs.' I don't know what the hell they're saying.
I don't know what they're saying.
Someone yelled, 'We need to do an MRI and check!'
I don't like MRIs.
But every time I lie.
They pushed me into the machine and said, 'Kevin, are you ready?'
'One hundred percent, doctor. Let's go!'
The door closed. It started beeping.
I freaked out.
I put my hands on the glass and said, 'They're trying to steal my DNA!'
I lost control.
They had to sedate me.
When I woke up, my doctor was very upfront with me.
'Kevin, it's just like you thought. You're badly injured.'
'Both of your adductor muscles are torn.'
'Damn it!'
'Both of them are torn?'
My tears came immediately. I cried. I was devastated.
The reason I was crying was that I hadn't even heard their names.
But I was afraid of the worst. 'I don't have ovaries?'
You took my ovaries, you bastard?!
You took my ovaries?!'
It was so sad.
I got a wheelchair that day. I was in a wheelchair for six weeks.
They gave me a wheelchair from the hospital. The worst wheelchairs there are.
It's one of those that folds up.
You have to be really strong. You really have to...
You have to hit the chair too.
The brakes are behind the wheels. You have to step on them.
I have more respect for people who use wheelchairs.
I said 'more'. I always respected them.
But now I have even more respect.
It all depends on who takes care of you.
If that person is bad, life in a wheelchair becomes difficult.
You need someone who's good. My assistant was terrible.
My first assistant was terrible.
My first assistant was my wife. What a bitch.
That's how it is. I'm straightforward.
On my first day home, she pushed me in front of a window,
locked the wheelchair and said, 'I'll be right back.'
Then she left me in front of the window for seven hours.
Seven hours!
When was the last time you stared at a window for seven hours? I saw everything!
It was like an episode of 'Misery'. I didn't know what was going on.
I peed and pooped myself. 'What the hell is this?!'
Life in a wheelchair was hard. I said I wanted my son to help me.
'My son would be a better personal assistant.'
My son wasn't better. He played too much.
He'd push the wheelchair way ahead of himself.
Then he'd jump on my back, and I'd fall backward.
There's nothing scarier than someone pushing you and letting go
and seeing cars coming towards you. 'Hey...?' Hey!'
Now I understand why people in wheelchairs wear gloves.
I thought they were tired of all the mess.
But when I saw the car, I tried to stop the wheels with my hands.
My palm got a hole in it. A damn hole in my palm.
Another guy in a wheelchair across the street was watching me.
He said, 'Buy some gloves, kid.'
I told my wife, 'I need to get some gloves.
Look at my hand. I need to get some gloves.'
She said, 'I have some upstairs. You can use those.'
I put on the gloves and we went out.
I ran into the guy who'd suggested the gloves.
I wanted to be nice and said, 'Thanks for telling me to protect my hands.
It's important that people like us look out for each other.'
But apparently, that's disrespectful in wheelchair circles.
It has a meaning. He got angry.
He said, 'I'm not letting you put your finger in my ass.'
'I don't want to put my finger in your ass.
I just wanted to thank you. Thanks!'
He said, 'I'm not kidding.' Then he attacked.
This was my first wheelchair fight.
I didn't know what to do. My son had locked the wheels.
I braced myself for the impact. We looked into each other's eyes.
He threw me out of the wheelchair. Oh my God!
I got up. 'Why did you run me over?!'
Suddenly, someone yelled, 'He's faking it! He can move his legs.'
I said, 'I'm not faking.
I lost my ovaries!'
You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries. I do!
You laugh, but this is my life.
After six and a half weeks, I started walking again.
To be honest, a thought occurred to me.
I realized that during those six weeks
my dick hadn't gotten hard once. This is true.
'Oh my God. What if it stays like this from now on?
What if this becomes normal?
What if my wife wants sex and my dick doesn't work? Oh my God.'
I rarely get anxious, but when I do, it's bad.
I was then. You get it. I lost my balance a bit.
I went and bought a dick pill.
That's the truth. I'm not ashamed to say I took a dick pill.
Every man should take a dick pill once in his life
and fuck his wife with a dick pill. I'm serious.
But don't tell them you took a dick pill.
My wife doesn't know I took a dick pill at all.
She'll find out when she sees this, but until now, she knows nothing.
The thing is, you need to understand the terms and conditions of the dick pill.
One dick pill gives you three good days.
The first rule is: don't get carried away.
Remember that. Don't get carried away.
This isn't you, it's the dick pill. Got it?
This isn't you. It's the dick pill.
Don't think your regular dick is like the dick pill.
These are two different versions of a dick. You'll get upset and lose confidence.
You have to keep track of the days.
Day one with the dick pill is about laying the foundation.
You know what you took. She doesn't. You have to act tough.
If you keep stomping around, you'll get what's coming to you.
You must have forgotten what I can do.
I'm gonna give you a flight right now.
If you continue your business there, I'll give you a lollipop.
Okay, Kevin. You're just all talk.
At the end of day one, you give her the best dick of her life.
Day two is about follow-up. 'Didn't I tell you what I was gonna do?'
I can do this whenever I want, like flipping a switch.
The reason I don't always give you that dick is because you don't know how to behave.
Behave properly, and I'll give you more of that dick.
I do behave!
Tell me how to behave, and I'll do it.
You can start by shutting up!
When you have the dick pill in your body, you become someone else.
You're not the same person anymore.
Your demands change. You say new things.
'What's my name?' - 'Kevin.'
'No! My full name. The one on my ID.'
'Kevin Darnell Hart.'
That's right!
What's my national ID number?
What? I don't know.
What's my national ID number? Tell me before I pull my dick out!
No...!
Oh my God.
That's right!
If you like dick, raise your hand.
I like dick.
After that, don't come with your regular dick. You'll be disappointed.
You'll get punched in the stomach right then. As soon as you put it there.
Is it very hard? It's not like yesterday.
What did you say, bitch?
Bitch, what did you say?
It's like the blood in it isn't as much as yesterday.
You said if I behave, you'll give me the dick.
Let me help you get more blood in it.
Kevin Darnell Hart.
Stop saying my full name! Why are you saying my name?
Bitch, don't say my national ID number again!
Do you have a microphone? Who do you work for?
I want the dick.
Take your hand down, damn it!
Then things get bad. Instead of getting hard, it gets soft. Oh my God.
A man gets soft with a woman he loves. Damn it!
It's the worst possible thing. You get the worst kind of terror.
You have to try to save the situation.
You have to squeeze and wring.
Do you know what squeezing and wringing is, sir? It's your last resort.
Your last resort to save the situation.
A man squeezes the root as much as he can to send the blood up.
A man becomes like a 'transformer'.
A man tries to elicit a reaction.
What's happening? Shut up!
You're throwing off my balance.
All men know what I'm talking about,
but they don't have a name for it.
Squeezing and wringing. Here you go.
Tonight all women will ask:
'Are you squeezing and wringing me?'
'I feel like you're squeezing and wringing me.'
You know what my problem was?
My problem was the dick pill salesman.
The guy I got the pills from.
I didn't want to go to the doctor.
I didn't want a prescription for dick pills.
It was too hard.
A prescription for dick pills. My God.
What happens when the prescription runs out?
You can't do it anymore.
You can't get any more pills,
because the prescription is gone.
It's so embarrassing.
How does this conversation go? 'I know, Doctor.
I'm not using them anymore.
I swear. It's over.
This is the last time.
Don't leave me."
I don't like this situation.
I bought dick pills at the gas station.
I did. I didn't mean to.
It was an unplanned purchase.
I was getting gas and was going to buy chips.
They had the dick pills next to the chips,
so I grabbed them.
I drank an energy drink
and felt it right away.
It was the salesman's fault.
I had a lot of questions for him.
I get anxious sometimes.
I treated the salesman like a doctor.
I had a lot of questions.
I said, 'Excuse me. What's the difference between 'Rhinowax Large'
and 'Silverback 45 Pro?'
Okay, so you like 'Rhinowax'?
I'm allergic to seafood.
Is that a problem?
No? Okay.
What do customers think?
Do they usually come back and buy more?
Do they love the pills and want more?'
He said, 'We have this one guy
who buys every dick pill we have.
He puts them all in his back pocket.'
I said, 'There's only one back pocket
that can hold that much.'
'Michael Jordan, damn it.'
Michael 'Dick Pill' Jordan, damn it!
Mike's gonna kill me when he sees this.
We fight in the street. I hit his back pocket. 'Damn you, Mike.'
Damn you! I know where the computer is.
I'm afraid of getting addicted to the pills.
That's a big fear of mine.
This is because I'm a 45-year-old Black man.
Health and wellness are important. Take care of yourselves.
Take care of yourselves when you can make a choice.
Don't wait until you no longer have a choice. Let that sink in.
Take care of yourselves when you can make that choice.
Health and wellness are serious things. That's just how it is.
The reason I take care of myself is that
we have a lot of messed-up stuff in our family.
A lot of messed-up stuff. My family's wiped out. We had everything.
Diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, gout...
A lot of strokes. We've experienced most things.
I don't want to get any of them, so I try to prevent it.
I'm making changes now so I don't have to later.
At least that's the goal.
I...
I tell this to my friends, who are the dumbest people in the world
when it comes to health and wellness. My friends don't respect it at all.
'Spank' is probably the dumbest when it comes to health and wellness.
A month ago, we went out to eat. 'Spank' had a glass of wine.
Then he said, 'Every time I drink wine, I get dizzy.
I get blurry vision and my arm goes numb.
The left side of my face goes numb.
My arm falls asleep. I can't feel my leg.
And it feels like I have nails in my leg.'
I said, 'You had a stroke, damn it.'
He said, 'No, man, I'm going home to drink ginger ale.'
I said, 'What...?!
'I'm going to lie down and drink ginger ale.'
I want to meet the person who convinced Black people that ginger ale is medicine.
I want to meet you and punch you in the face.
It's not medicine!
It's soda, damn it. Soda!
You know what's not in ginger ale? Ginger!
We can start there. There's no ginger!
People have little bottles of ginger ale in their first aid kits.
You goddamn idiots. It's soda!
My friend loves ginger ale. Thinks it's good for him.
My friend Harry's knees have been messed up for ten years.
I know it's a meniscus problem. I know that.
But what does Harry say? 'Slept wrong. Gotta stretch.'
Spank says, 'You gotta drink some ginger ale.'
Harry says, 'Really?' This happened.
Harry gets the answer: 'Yeah, you gotta drink some ginger ale.'
Harry drinks a ginger ale and stands up.
'Oh, damn. Yeah, that's right!
Yeah, I feel the difference.'
You lying piece of shit!
Did your damn knee get better?
No way!
Health and wellness is about
what you eat and what you don't eat.
It's a war you lose every day.
Some people get it, some don't.
What you eat and what you don't eat?
Old people don't care.
Old people don't care at all.
Have you ever tried to teach an old man?
'Salt's not good for you, Grandpa.'
'Well, of course I know that, damn it!
I don't give a shit about you or the doctor.'
They don't care.
I know what I eat and what I don't eat.
I love the chicken sandwich from
Chick-fil-A.
But I shouldn't eat it.
The best sandwich in the world,
but I shouldn't eat it.
This sandwich is undefeated.
It has never lost a battle with my body.
Every time I eat it,
it comes right out the other end.
'Came out.'
I don't even have to look.
I know what's going on down there.
You know what pisses me off?
I chew that sandwich up good.
But somehow it reassembles itself
and a piece comes back out.
The bun falls on the toilet seat
and the chicken falls on the floor.
I have to pick it all up again
and throw it in the toilet.
Forget that sandwich.
It's a fire from hell.
The older you get,
the less you can eat.
Your stomach gets more sensitive as you get older.
You can't eat everything.
If you want to laugh, eat with old people.
Listen to what they tell the waiter
they can't eat.
It might be small things.
'Excuse me, is there lemon juice?'
Take that out!
If I eat that, I'm done for a month.
I'll have diarrhea for days.
'Lemon makes you have diarrhea?'
'Is it on sesame seed bread?
Take this away!'
If I eat sesame seeds,
I'm done for a year.
'What...?!
A whole year?!
But getting old is cool.
I'm really looking forward to getting old.
You just have to know
how you want to get old.
I know who I want to be,
and who I don't.
I've talked to my family about it.
At a certain point, I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to be like that.
It's like someone just called you.
I don't want to live like that.
I don't want to be reminded of what I like.
'Grandpa, do you want pancakes?'
'No, damn it.'
'You love pancakes.'
'That's right. I love pancakes.'
Take me out back
and shoot me.
I don't want to bore people like that.
'Can't someone just put him out of his misery?'
I don't want the pillbox.
I don't want that either.
I'd rather die than have that pillbox with the days of the week.
I'd rather die than bring that out at dinner.
'Child...'
Does anyone know what day it is?
Thursday? No! I thought it was Tuesday.
Kill me!
I don't want to be there then.
If I can't blow out my birthday candles, I don't want to be there.
That's the worst thing you can do to an old person. You turn 85
and get a big birthday cake with 85 candles.
Happy birthday, Grandma. Blow out the candles.
Grandma, you can do it. No, she can't!
I've been waiting 45 minutes for her to blow out those damn candles!
I have to go to work!
Grandma, you can do it.
I don't want to be there then.
I want to get to the age where I can say whatever's on my mind.
I want to be that old.
At a certain age, you start saying things without caring.
You're getting close to the end. Some old guys handle it well.
A prime example is the legend Quincy Jones.
God rest his soul. Quincy Jones.
My God.
When Quincy got old, he said whatever he wanted.
Quincy's last five interviews are pure comedy.
He'd say things that had nothing to do with the questions he was asked.
Quincy would take his time and do his own thing.
They asked him, 'What does music mean to you?'
He said, 'I've slept with all the Supremes.' 'What...?!'
Oh my God, Quincy. What...?
I don't care!
The Supremes had very good-looking men. I don't care!
I've been doing cocaine for 60 years. Oh, damn!
Quincy...
Quincy, stop talking.
I don't care! People need to know this stuff.
I know a lot of things.
I know Stevie Wonder isn't blind. He's just acting.
He's always been acting.
Steve once asked how he could compete with Ray Charles.
I said, 'You better be blind.'
You know what Steve did? He did exactly that.
He can see the piano keys!
He's just acting.
Enough, Joe. Enough.
I told Joe Jackson to beat his kids.
He didn't miss a single day!
I have something else.
Something else.
I'm the one who bleached Michael's skin. I did that!
He wanted to be a solo artist. I said, 'Then you need bleach.'
This is an age I want to reach.
When you can say whatever the hell you want. I'm getting there.
I have a joke I wasn't sure about telling, but I'll tell it.
Remember that dinner I told you about, that I set up for my niece?
When we finished eating, the waiter came over. This is true.
He asked if we wanted dessert. The rest went crazy.
'We definitely want dessert. Bring the sweet potato pie and the lemon pie.'
'Chocolate cake and red velvet cupcakes.'
'I want to try the apple pie. I'll try yours. Bring the root beer.'
He asked me if I wanted anything. I said, 'I don't eat dessert.'
Then my uncle got angry. 'Look at little Hollywood.'
Look at little Hollywood!
You're too good to eat dessert with your damn family?
You're too perfect? Give me one good reason why you can't eat dessert with us.
Why can't you eat dessert with your damn family?
I said, 'Maybe it's because there's only a left foot under the table.'
Think about it.
You get it?
This is a diabetic joke.
When Black people get diabetes, the first thing they lose is their feet.
If you look under the table, you'll only see a left foot.
Everyone's right foot is gone. You get it now?
The best part of the joke is seeing a white person's confusion afterwards.
'Why does the whole family have amputated feet?'
He was totally confused. 'What...?'
But can I keep this?
Maybe I can't keep this joke, because my uncle only has one leg.
This is real. And the next time we see him, he'll be arrogant.
'You're so cool, Kevin.'
You're so cool, Kevin!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put my foot in your ass!
He just had his legs amputated.
But he hasn't come to terms with it yet.
He says a lot of things that require two legs.
He's wrong.
The comedian in me can't let it go.
We were sitting in the car a few days ago, and he said, 'I'm gonna run and get my jacket.'
I said...
'You can hop in and get your damn jacket.
But you're not running anywhere.'
This is a good opportunity to talk about how this show connects.
I call it 'Acting My Age'.
I want to draw attention to how important aging is.
In our time, everyone tries to get younger.
Everyone wants to turn back time. Nobody celebrates aging.
Aging is synonymous with a long life, experience, and wisdom.
Without those things, you don't win at life.
You have to understand that aging is a damn blessing.
It's an incredible blessing, because not everyone makes it.
Not everyone does.
Turning 50, 60, 70, and 80 is not guaranteed.
You guys who make it there are very lucky.
Put yourselves on a pedestal and celebrate your lives as you get old.
Don't be afraid to maintain your path.
When you get very old, maintain your path. Don't start swinging.
Don't swing anymore.
That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick.
I should never have competed with that.
I ruined that whole summer. I threw it in the trash.
The family wanted to travel all summer.
But we only got to take one trip.
We went to Rwanda.
I took the family to Rwanda to experience something new.
Something we could remember together.
Something that could give us some damn culture.
Understanding another environment.
When we travel, we never say no. We try everything.
The first thing we heard in Rwanda was that we had to go gorilla trekking.
You have to go gorilla trekking.
If you don't know what gorilla trekking is, I'll try to explain.
Gorilla trekking is when you go into the jungle
and discover what appears to be gorilla tracks.
You follow these tracks to see the gorillas in their natural habitat.
I said, 'Okay, I'm in.'
The reason I agreed was I thought it was a glass enclosure.
It had to be a glass enclosure.
I'd never seen a gorilla without looking through glass.
They said, 'Young children can't come.'
So it was me, my wife, and two teenagers.
We went with two other groups.
A white family of four and four white friends.
Twelve people in total.
To get into the jungle, you have to walk through the park. This is real.
When we got to the jungle, soldiers came.
They had machine guns and other tactical gear.
They had rifles strapped to their legs.
When I saw this, I had some questions.
'Excuse me. Excuse me.'
'What's going on? Why are they here?'
He said, 'They're here in case the gorillas get too aggressive and have to be put down.'
'When you say... what do they do? Bang on the glass?'
'Can they break the glass?'
Nobody answered, so I figured that was it.
A guide joined us. His name was Antoine.
Antoine is a man who has dedicated his life to understanding gorillas.
He knows gorillas like no one else.
Antoine is a black man that I don't want the white people to know about.
Antoine was the closest thing I'd ever seen to a human gorilla.
It might sound crazy, but I'll explain why.
Antoine's job was to explain what we should do when we encounter gorillas.
These are Antoine's words. I'm quoting what he told us.
'Okay, listen up.'
Rule number one: Do not make eye contact with the gorilla.
If a gorilla looks at you, look down. Show that you're surrendering.
Surrender to the gorilla. You have no power. The gorilla has all the power. You have no power.
You have no power compared to the gorilla. Look down.
Show the gorilla that he has all the power and you have none.
You have no power.
Rule number two: You have to become one with the gorilla.
You have to do what the gorilla does.
Then he suddenly turns into a fucking gorilla.
I can't believe it.
I get angry that a black man is acting like a gorilla in front of white people.
The white people were taking notes.
I got angry. 'What the hell are you writing?'
She silenced me. 'Listen to him.'
'Shut up! Don't tell me to listen.'
What are you writing?!' 'Antoine' continues.
He jumps and hits the ground.
Then he looks at my son and says, 'Now it's your turn.'
I said, 'He's not going to do that!'
My son shouldn't have to act like a gorilla in front of white people,
and get messed up like Jordan's kids!
You're not doing that to my son.
You're not doing that to my son!'
He said, 'Do whatever you want!'
He runs to a tree and peels its bark.
He licks the sugar underneath.
'Gorillas love sugar. You should do that too.'
He picks some eucalyptus from the bushes and rubs it all over his body.
'Gorillas love eucalyptus. You should smell like eucalyptus.
Now we're walking!'
Then he runs into the jungle.
'What's going on?!'
We have to follow him.
We walk into the jungle. I swear, this is all real.
After 15-20 minutes, he stops. He says, 'Stop.'
Then he says, 'They're here.'
I said, 'Where's the glass? I want to stand behind the glass.
Where's the glass?
I turn to my left.
About seven to nine female gorillas come out of the bushes.
On two legs. Those bastards walk on two legs.
I've never seen anything like it. I raise my hand.
I look at the ground and signal that I surrender.
'Antoine' tried to get me up. 'Kevin, get up.'
I said, 'No. Leave me alone. I have no power. They have the power.'
I have no power.
I have no power. They have the power.
I see my wife has her phone light on.
She's trying to film. She's trying to take pictures.
I hit her. 'Bitch, get down! Surrender.'
We have no power. They have the power. We have no power!
Suddenly there are about 15 of them.
A whole damn family. Nieces, aunts, and uncles.
Those bastards are circling, and we're standing in the middle.
Everything happens so fast.
Then a gorilla touched my forehead.
He didn't hit me, but he pulled my forehead back
and opened my eyes wider than they'd ever been opened by myself.
A lot of the whites of my eyes showed.
I could see a soldier next to me. I said:
'Shoot him! What the hell are you doing?
Shoot! I'm being attacked.
He's gonna rip my forehead off or something!'
The gorillas keep playing. It gets very wild.
Suddenly they all get up together and run into the jungle.
'Antoine' is very excited.
Isn't it beautiful to see gorilla life up close?
Now we'll follow the gorilla's tracks to see how it lives. We're going after the gorilla.
I said, 'No way!'
I'm not going after any damn gorilla. No! I'm going back.
I'll take the family and leave. We'll take a soldier with us
who dares to do his job, unlike that coward.
You're a coward. Yes, you are.
He wanted to take my head off, damn it!
He said, 'No, you have to finish the walk.'
'No, I'm going back.'
He said, 'The boss is coming.' I said, 'Good. I want to talk to him.'
I don't like how you treated us.
This is real. I look to the left.
A real silverback gorilla comes out of the damn bushes.
My God. When I say a real silverback gorilla,
I'm talking about a real brute. Just the chest, no legs.
This gorilla never trained his legs. Just the chest!
If a gorilla falls into an asylum, this is what he becomes.
I had never seen anything like it.
He touched a tree and fell to the ground.
I can't believe I stood next to a real silverback gorilla.
I was completely mesmerized.
Everyone else is lying down. Everyone is giving up.
I'm the only one standing, staring at the silverback gorilla.
The one who broke the spell was my son. He hit my leg.
I turned around and my son said:
'Goodbye, Dad.' I said, 'What the hell...?!'
What do you mean... My God.
My God! That's when I realized I broke the first rule.
Which was: 'Don't look the silverback gorilla in the eyes.'
I'm staring right into the silverback gorilla's eyes.
Now I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
I look for Antoine to help. But Antoine seems to have disappeared.
Antoine was running more technically perfect than I had ever seen.
He had his fingers completely clenched.
He was flying, damn it.
He cut through the wind like nothing. You get me?
At that moment, I don't know what to do.
The silverback gorilla and I look at each other.
You should know that I was never a 'jerk'.
I don't want to start there and then. That's how it is.
When I look at the silverback gorilla, he beats his chest.
I know what it means.
A silverback beats his chest to show his strength.
That's how they establish dominance before a fight.
And when two silverbacks fight, one of them loses everything.
He loses his wife and his kids.
A silverback who loses a fight has nothing left.
He has to build a new life. He has nothing left.
That's why this one had so many kids and wives.
He had defeated many silverbacks.
I have a question for you. Answer it yourself later.
Is it really a loss? If we fight...
Let's say I lose a fight and someone takes my wife and kids.
They go with him, and I go somewhere else.
Is that how it works? It doesn't seem like a loss.
Okay. I look at the silverback, and he looks at me.
That's it. I don't want to beat my chest.
Then he'll know I'm a bitch. No way.
I did what every man has to do.
Every man in my position would have done the exact same thing.
I looked the silverback in the eye and acted like Antoine.
I jumped and slammed him. I ripped off bark.
I rubbed eucalyptus on my ass.
The only reason I'm telling you this is because the white people filmed all of it.
It could be all over the internet any second.
That's why I want to explain that I did this to save my family.
I learned something that day.
I realized I should have chosen that other dick pill.
I should have chosen Silverback 45 Pro.
It's a stronger dick pill, and you're a strong audience.
Thank you so much for coming.
My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good night.