Keyholes Are for Peeping (1972) Movie Script
- I'm convinced that men are monsters.
Really, truly.
- Is that you, Stanley?
- Yeah, ma.
- Where were you?
So long it took you to buy the newspaper?
What is it?
Zowee, it came!
My diploma!
I'm a full-fledged marriage
counselor now.
- Don't get so excited, Stanley.
- How about that, ma?
- My son, a marriage counselor.
- Stanley!
Stop.
Stanley, stop.
Stanley!
Stop.
Stanley, stop it.
Stanley.
Oh, you klutz.
- Turn that damn vacuum
cleaner off, will ya, Katie?
Oh, come on, Katie,
you gotta give me some.
Oh, why don't you give me anything?
- You're a schmuck!
- Yeah, I'm a schmuck?
- Yeah, you're a schmuck.
- Maybe I'm a schmuck, but I got feelings
like any other schmuck.
Oh, god, Katie, you
don't know what it's like
to look at you all day long and
then not be able to get any.
Do you know what it's like to sit
there all day long, reading
playboy with one hand, huh?
- You're a schmuck.
- I still say you're a schmuck.
- Yeah, a schmuck.
- Stanley!
- Schmuck, it's getting so
that that playboy, let
me tell you something,
I'm finding it hard to believe girls
don't have staples in their navels.
That's how bad it is, Katie.
- Stanley, when are we getting married?
Stanley bebble, you're not
the only pebble on the beach.
- You know I can't marry you.
I gotta take care of my mother.
- Get out!
- Get out?
You don't mean that, Katie.
- I said get out.
Out!
- Look... get out!
- Oh, really?
I've been up since seven am.
It's 11 o'clock.
I've been cooking, I've
been washing clothes.
I am so tired of all this.
I'm sick and tired of all this.
- I'm collecting for-
- I gave already.
- Always be prepared, that's my motto.
- I guess they're bashful,
fucking with no lights on.
- Ah, Manuel.
Come here.
- What's the matter?
- I wanna talk to you for a minute.
- What you want?
- Come here.
Happened again, huh, Manuel?
- What you talking about?
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Hey, hey, hey, I the super.
- Don't worry about it.
I'm not gonna take your job away, Manuel.
- Okay, that good.
- Yes, Manuel.
- What you want?
- You are a pre-vert.
You are a true,
dyed-in-the-wool di-generate
if I've ever seen one, you know that?
Peeping through peepholes, looking.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- What do you want me to do?
- What do I want you to do?
If you want a girl so badly,
why don't you just go out
and get the real stuff?
Go after the real thing.
- I no speak English good.
I don't know how to talk to a woman.
- Oh, come on.
"I don't speak English good,
I don't know how to talk."
That's got nothing to do with it.
It's all a matter of approach.
- What do you mean?
- Hey, I've got an idea.
- What?
- You know, a lot of
people in this building
don't know about this.
Come closer.
I happen to be a doctor of sexology.
- Si.
- Went through a four year
correspondence course.
- Si.
- Yeah, I had to send a lot
of box tops from cereals
to get this course.
I am going to help you
because I like you, Manuel.
I think you're a nice guy, no matter what
anybody else says in this neighborhood.
I think you're a nice guy
and I'm gonna help you.
- Sure.
- For a small fee, of course.
I am going to teach you a full proof,
sure-as-fire method of picking up a woman,
and no woman, with my
method, will ever refuse
to go out with you.
How's that, huh?
- That's idea!
- Deal, for $10.
-$10?
- Come in, the door's open.
- Hi, I'm your new neighbor.
Could I borrow a cup of scotch?
- Psst, hey, Manuel, come here.
How do you like that, huh?
- That's all right, boy.
That's a nice piece of meat, boy.
- How'd you like to try out
an approach on her, okay?
- Sure.
- First, let me see your natural approach.
Let me see how you talk
to that girl right now.
- Hey, I'm your super.
How about coming down
to the basement with me?
- Come here, will ya, please?
- What the matter?
- What kind of talk is that?
- What I do?
- "I'm your super, come
down to the basement."
- What I do?
- You haven't got the right approach.
You gotta be gentile, you gotta be suave.
- What are you talk about?
I ain't no gentile, I no slob.
- Yeah, no, no, no, no.
You gotta have the right
things to say to a woman.
Now you say everything I tell ya, okay?
- Sure.
- First thing you say to her,
"pardon me, madam, often
times I've seen you
"promenade up and down the boulevard."
Try that.
- Often times I see you
running around naked
in the bull-yard.
- No, no, no, no, no, come here!
What, "running around
naked in the bull-yard"?
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
Try that.
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
Try it.
- Often times, I see
you running around naked
in the bull-yard, the bull-yard,
because when the bull get
you up against the fence.
- Now, now, now, Manuel,
Manuel, don't get carried away.
The lines are, "often times,
I've seen you promenade
"up and down the boulevard."
Try it that way.
- Often times I see you promenade
up and down the bull-yard.
- Thank you.
- Huh?
- Now you're scoring, baby boy.
Right on!
- Good, huh?
- Yes.
- What I do now, boss?
- Now say to her, "you are
the quintessence of beauty."
- I like to put my thing
between your boobies.
- No, no, not "I'd like to put
my thing between your boobies!
"you are the quintessence of beauty."
- You are the quintessence of beauty.
- Oh, thank you!
- Stanley, come eat.
- Okay, ma, I just wanna
take my jacket off.
- Who were you talking to?
- Manuel.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Sit down already.
Everything is getting cold.
- Ma, you're so lucky.
To have such a beautiful son.
Oh my goodness, look how beautiful I am.
Oh, my heavens, good
thing I'm not a woman.
You're so pretty and so witty.
R so pretty, witty, and gay I
you're so adorable.
- All right.
- Ma.
- Enough with the fooling around.
- Hey, ma, ever see two u-bang-ees meeting
in the middle of the jungle?
One u-bang-ee turns to
the other u-bang-ee, says,
"Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers.
"Now you fan me for a while."
You fan me For a while.
- Stanley, stop clowning.
Eat, please.
- You've no sense of humor, ma.
- Stanley, I've been thinking.
Maybe I should get married.
- Did you say "married," ma?
- It'd be nice to have a man in the house.
- A man around the house?
I'm a man, ma.
- Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
It would be nice not to have
to worry about bills and rent.
- Yeah, ma, but I'm a
marriage counselor now.
I'll take care of you.
- I'm so tired of washing
dishes and cleaning.
If god wanted me to clean, he
would have made me a broom.
Mr. Greenberg, the one
that owns the fruit store,
he's crazy about me, I can tell.
- Wow, you got some taste, ma.
- And that Mr. Bloom from the drugstore,
he can't take his eyes off me.
- You know who might be
really good to you, ma?
Somebody fascinating, like Claude rains.
Remember Claude rains, ma?
His most famous part.
"I don't take up much
room, I'm invisible."
Don't like that either, ma, huh?
Well, uh.
- Go, go already.
That's all, ma.
- You're driving me crazy.
It's time you stopped clowning around.
- Son, a marriage counselor.
- Hello.
- Hello there.
- Oh, Marge.
How nice to hear from you.
- What are you doing, Manuel?
- I left something, I'm looking for it.
Is that right, Manuel?
- Hey, what's this I hear about going
over to Marge's house tonight?
I'm not going over to Marge's house.
I don't like them.
They're cheap bastards.
- We're going.
- No, we are not going.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
- We're going.
- We're not going.
- We're going.
- We're not going.
- We're going.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.
We're going.
- No, we're not.
- We're going.
- Yes.
- No.
- Going, going.
- We are going.
- No.
- Going.
- We're not going.
- We are going.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.
We're going.
- He going.
- Yes.
- No.
- Hello?
Well, the doctor is a very busy man.
Let me look at his appointment book.
Stanley!
- Yeah?
- There's a lady on the
phone, a Mrs. Rawson.
She's a patient.
She wants to come and see
you tonight with her husband.
- Tell them to come at seven o'clock, ma.
No, no, no, make that eight o'clock.
- The doctor is very busy,
but he'll see you
tonight at eight o'clock.
Goodbye.
- I have patients already.
How about that?
Stanley bebble, successful
marriage counselor.
- What a pair of post-er-ays.
- Okay, Katie, you win, let's get married.
- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
- Oh, boy, does that mean
now we can make love?
- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
- Oh, oh, oh, boy, then we can make love?
- Darling, will you hand me the soap?
Oh, darling, wash my back.
Your hands feel so gentle today.
Oh, just keep on rubbing.
Oh, I've got soap in my eyes, darling!
Get me a towel.
Get me a towel, please!
- My, you do have a problem!
Holy gravy.
You mean to tell me that your husband
always calls you a bitch?
Mm hmm, and your sex life.
I haven't heard anything
so weird in my life.
Likes to make love in a park.
Well, park is not too bad.
People's backyards?
Well, maybe that's not so weird, either.
On the street, everybody watching?
Oh my god.
He likes to what?
Do it dog fashion?
Only dog fashion?
How degrading!
Next time he does that, you just tell him
he's barking up the wrong tree.
What do you think of that?
That's what you get, talking to a dog.
Straitjacket, throw away the key.
Yeah, all right, get out of here, cocoa.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm not talking to any more weirdos.
I want real patients.
Ma, bring in the next patient!
Hey, Manuel.
Come here, I wanna talk to you a minute.
Come here.
What were you doing out there?
- I dropped a piece of soap.
I was bending down to pick it up.
- Oh, yeah, oh, because you were cleaning
the hallways again, huh?
How come you're always
cleaning the hallways?
You know something, I bet we got
the cleanest hallways in all of america.
No, no, no, no, I take that back.
Probably in the whole wide world.
- I got a bad back, so I got a system.
I clean the hallway, a different hallway,
every day, make it easier for me.
- Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah,
but let me tell you something, Manuel,
and I don't want you to think
I'm talking down to you,
and I want you to know something.
This has nothing to do with the fact
that you're puerto rican and I'm American.
Because I wanna tell you something.
Some of my best friends are janitors.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know something.
- Ah, ah, mister, I'm
no janitor, I a super.
- A super.
Please.
No janitor.
Hmm, Throw
a couple of romantic words there.
Let me tell you something.
You're trying to get out of something,
and you know what it is.
I told you my toilet bowl was stopped up.
That's two days ago,
and I'm still waiting for you to fix it.
Now, you better have that toilet bowl
fixed by eight o'clock
tonight, and I mean it.
- Why, you got an
appointment to take a shit
at eight o'clock tonight?
Very good.
- All right, all right, I fix it.
- Go drop another piece of soap.
- You bastard, you're always
getting horny when I'm busy.
You know, there's a marriage
counselor in the building.
I really think that we should go see him.
- What for?
You're nuts.
- I think we should go see him.
I think we should go see him.
- All right, all right.
- Yes?
- We're Mr. and Mrs. Rawson.
- Come into the waiting room.
Go into the waiting room, please.
- Mr. and Mrs. Rawson?
- We're Mr. and Mrs. Rawson.
- I'm Mrs. George.
This is my husband.
We live on the floor above you.
The card said no appointment necessary.
- Oh, that's all right.
Why don't you all follow
me into my office.
That's the latest methods,
you know, group therapy.
Same fee, but you get much better results.
Well, where do we start?
- Look here, buddy.
- Just a little joke.
Mrs. Rawson, how long
have you been married?
- Seven years.
- Hey, that's a good question.
After all, I am a marriage counselor.
Tell me everything, Mrs. Rawson.
- Everything?
- Only way I can help you.
Have to know every single little thing.
I first met my husband Brian
at the fong-go club in the village.
- What club?
The fong-go club.
I was a dancer there.
I was a good dancer, too.
I could've had a great career.
But I gave it up for him!
- Go on, Mrs. Rawson.
- Brian said it was love at first sight.
- First fright is more like it.
"First fright."
Now that's funny.
Go on, Mrs. Rawson.
- Brian just couldn't
keep his hands off me.
Wherever we were, he
always wanted to, you know.
- Screw, say it!
- Why, even the first night we met.
He said he left some papers
he had to mail in his room.
- New twist.
Papers to mail.
No hijinks.
- But when we got there.
We kept company for six months,
and Brian was just wonderful.
- What the hell are you balling about?
I married you, didn't I?
- So you were married.
- We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii.
- Hawaii, all those leis!
- Come on, baby, let's
make with the bodies.
That's what you call a real sexy moon.
- Oh, Brian.
They said Hawaii was beautiful,
but I didn't see any of the sights.
I was on my back all the time.
- Well, can't have everything.
- But when we got back from the honeymoon,
everything was changed.
He forgot that I was a woman.
Brian, Brian, damn it.
Remember me, your wife Myra?
Brian, Brian!
Bfian!
- What the hell are you doing?
I can't see the picture.
- Brian doesn't even know I have a body!
- Mr. Rawson, what are you,
some kind of a cold fish or something?
- I didn't wanna come
here in the first place.
She insisted.
I should've left her in Hawaii.
Boy, that was where she
was hot in the pants.
A real woman.
But now...
Listen, last week.
There's the cold fish.
- Now, now, Mrs. Rawson.
Try to control yourself.
And now we'll hear from
the other panelists.
I mean our other friends in the room.
What are your sex problems?
- Sex problems?
We don't have any sex problems.
Sex ain't everything.
We got a sex life, don't we, baby?
- Yeah, Tom.
- But we got plenty of other problems.
- So, what's wrong?
- I can't remember the last
time I had a decent meal.
- You got a hell of a nerve.
- Go on, go on.
- I don't know how I put up
with him all these years.
- Put up with me?
You've had me by the balls ever since
I was stupid enough to marry you.
- Oh, bulghur.
- Bulghur.
Why, if I wasn't a gentleman.
- You a gentleman?
- Before I was batty enough to say "I do,"
you were a real doll.
- He's just not interested in me anymore,
except in bed.
- Maybe if you didn't always
look like such a slob.
- You call me a slob?
- Why don't you shut up?
- You have a big mouth,
just like your mother.
- My mother has a big mouth?
- Yeah, and she almost ate me
right into the poorhouse
with her big mouth.
- How dare you.
She hardly ate a thing the
short time that she was there.
- Short time?
Three years!
- It was only two months.
- Well, it felt like three years.
She sure ate for three
years in those two months.
Could you pass the string beans?
- Pig!
- Well, mom always did
have a big appetite,
but your mother never left us alone,
not even for a minute,
the whole year she stayed with us.
I wish we could go to the
movies without your mother.
Just once.
I don't know why she insists on going.
She falls asleep as soon as
she hits the seat, anyway.
She drives the audience
crazy with her snoring.
It's so embarrassing.
- Yeah, well, I.
Night, mother.
- Goodnight, son.
- Goodnight, mother.
- What took you so long?
- And you talk about my mother?
Please, help me,
I'm so miserable.
- Mr. Rawson, why don't you put
your arm around her and comfort her?
- Ah, she doesn't even
have a figure anymore.
She used to have a great pair of knockers.
- You're crazy, she has
a beautiful pair of tits.
- How the hell do you know what she's got?
- It were last Thursday.
The last Thursday, I were
cleaning up the hall.
I bend down to pick up a piece of soap,
and then I see.
I never do that before, look
through keyhole, not me.
Just this one time.
I got honor!
- Last Thursday, huh?
Last Thursday, I stayed
at my mother's house.
I didn't come home until Friday!
Why, you no good,
two-timing son of a bitch!
- Listen, I can explain everything!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, we're through.
- Yes?
- Hello, mother.
- Mother?
I'm not your mother.
- Didn't Stanley tell you?
- Tell me what?
- Well, Stanley and I,
we're getting married.
- Married, my Stanley getting
married, don't be ridiculous.
Are you kidding me?
My Stanley getting married.
He can't even go to the
bathroom without me.
Maybe 100 years from now,
when I'm dead, god forbid,
maybe Stanley will get
married, but not now.
- Don't you put your hands on my husband!
Don't you hit him!
- Now listen, folks.
- I'll punch you in the nose.
- Katie!
Katie!
- Get lost, jerk.
- Oh, well, at least let me
come in and explain to you.
Oh, Katie, just give
me a minute to come in.
I can explain the whole thing to you.
Aw, Katie, aw, forget it.
Katie!
Katie.
Katie.
Come on, Katie.
Don't make a grown man cry, Katie.
Aw, Katie, I love you so much.
I can't live without you.
Katie!
Come on, Katie, I can't live
without you, baby.
Aw, Katie.
Boy, oh, boy, she's gonna feel
sorry when I kill myself, boy.
I'm gonna open up this
window and I'm gonna jump.
I'm gonna jump, that's what I'm gonna do.
22 stories up.
She'll be...
Damn window.
Yep, you're gonna feel
real sorry when I'm gone.
Can't gag on the pills.
I can get hurt that way.
No pills for me.
- No wonder my gas bill is so high.
Stanley?
I have a surprise for you.
I got married.
I did it for you.
Every boy needs a father.
So, turn the gas off and
go, go meet your new daddy.
- Son!
Hey, you.
What's the matter with you?
You deaf?
You no hear?
Didn't I tell you yesterday
to fix the toilet bowl in 1A?
Well, go fix it.
Really, truly.
- Is that you, Stanley?
- Yeah, ma.
- Where were you?
So long it took you to buy the newspaper?
What is it?
Zowee, it came!
My diploma!
I'm a full-fledged marriage
counselor now.
- Don't get so excited, Stanley.
- How about that, ma?
- My son, a marriage counselor.
- Stanley!
Stop.
Stanley, stop.
Stanley!
Stop.
Stanley, stop it.
Stanley.
Oh, you klutz.
- Turn that damn vacuum
cleaner off, will ya, Katie?
Oh, come on, Katie,
you gotta give me some.
Oh, why don't you give me anything?
- You're a schmuck!
- Yeah, I'm a schmuck?
- Yeah, you're a schmuck.
- Maybe I'm a schmuck, but I got feelings
like any other schmuck.
Oh, god, Katie, you
don't know what it's like
to look at you all day long and
then not be able to get any.
Do you know what it's like to sit
there all day long, reading
playboy with one hand, huh?
- You're a schmuck.
- I still say you're a schmuck.
- Yeah, a schmuck.
- Stanley!
- Schmuck, it's getting so
that that playboy, let
me tell you something,
I'm finding it hard to believe girls
don't have staples in their navels.
That's how bad it is, Katie.
- Stanley, when are we getting married?
Stanley bebble, you're not
the only pebble on the beach.
- You know I can't marry you.
I gotta take care of my mother.
- Get out!
- Get out?
You don't mean that, Katie.
- I said get out.
Out!
- Look... get out!
- Oh, really?
I've been up since seven am.
It's 11 o'clock.
I've been cooking, I've
been washing clothes.
I am so tired of all this.
I'm sick and tired of all this.
- I'm collecting for-
- I gave already.
- Always be prepared, that's my motto.
- I guess they're bashful,
fucking with no lights on.
- Ah, Manuel.
Come here.
- What's the matter?
- I wanna talk to you for a minute.
- What you want?
- Come here.
Happened again, huh, Manuel?
- What you talking about?
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Hey, hey, hey, I the super.
- Don't worry about it.
I'm not gonna take your job away, Manuel.
- Okay, that good.
- Yes, Manuel.
- What you want?
- You are a pre-vert.
You are a true,
dyed-in-the-wool di-generate
if I've ever seen one, you know that?
Peeping through peepholes, looking.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- What do you want me to do?
- What do I want you to do?
If you want a girl so badly,
why don't you just go out
and get the real stuff?
Go after the real thing.
- I no speak English good.
I don't know how to talk to a woman.
- Oh, come on.
"I don't speak English good,
I don't know how to talk."
That's got nothing to do with it.
It's all a matter of approach.
- What do you mean?
- Hey, I've got an idea.
- What?
- You know, a lot of
people in this building
don't know about this.
Come closer.
I happen to be a doctor of sexology.
- Si.
- Went through a four year
correspondence course.
- Si.
- Yeah, I had to send a lot
of box tops from cereals
to get this course.
I am going to help you
because I like you, Manuel.
I think you're a nice guy, no matter what
anybody else says in this neighborhood.
I think you're a nice guy
and I'm gonna help you.
- Sure.
- For a small fee, of course.
I am going to teach you a full proof,
sure-as-fire method of picking up a woman,
and no woman, with my
method, will ever refuse
to go out with you.
How's that, huh?
- That's idea!
- Deal, for $10.
-$10?
- Come in, the door's open.
- Hi, I'm your new neighbor.
Could I borrow a cup of scotch?
- Psst, hey, Manuel, come here.
How do you like that, huh?
- That's all right, boy.
That's a nice piece of meat, boy.
- How'd you like to try out
an approach on her, okay?
- Sure.
- First, let me see your natural approach.
Let me see how you talk
to that girl right now.
- Hey, I'm your super.
How about coming down
to the basement with me?
- Come here, will ya, please?
- What the matter?
- What kind of talk is that?
- What I do?
- "I'm your super, come
down to the basement."
- What I do?
- You haven't got the right approach.
You gotta be gentile, you gotta be suave.
- What are you talk about?
I ain't no gentile, I no slob.
- Yeah, no, no, no, no.
You gotta have the right
things to say to a woman.
Now you say everything I tell ya, okay?
- Sure.
- First thing you say to her,
"pardon me, madam, often
times I've seen you
"promenade up and down the boulevard."
Try that.
- Often times I see you
running around naked
in the bull-yard.
- No, no, no, no, no, come here!
What, "running around
naked in the bull-yard"?
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
Try that.
"I seen you promenade up
and down the boulevard."
Try it.
- Often times, I see
you running around naked
in the bull-yard, the bull-yard,
because when the bull get
you up against the fence.
- Now, now, now, Manuel,
Manuel, don't get carried away.
The lines are, "often times,
I've seen you promenade
"up and down the boulevard."
Try it that way.
- Often times I see you promenade
up and down the bull-yard.
- Thank you.
- Huh?
- Now you're scoring, baby boy.
Right on!
- Good, huh?
- Yes.
- What I do now, boss?
- Now say to her, "you are
the quintessence of beauty."
- I like to put my thing
between your boobies.
- No, no, not "I'd like to put
my thing between your boobies!
"you are the quintessence of beauty."
- You are the quintessence of beauty.
- Oh, thank you!
- Stanley, come eat.
- Okay, ma, I just wanna
take my jacket off.
- Who were you talking to?
- Manuel.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Sit down already.
Everything is getting cold.
- Ma, you're so lucky.
To have such a beautiful son.
Oh my goodness, look how beautiful I am.
Oh, my heavens, good
thing I'm not a woman.
You're so pretty and so witty.
R so pretty, witty, and gay I
you're so adorable.
- All right.
- Ma.
- Enough with the fooling around.
- Hey, ma, ever see two u-bang-ees meeting
in the middle of the jungle?
One u-bang-ee turns to
the other u-bang-ee, says,
"Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers.
"Now you fan me for a while."
You fan me For a while.
- Stanley, stop clowning.
Eat, please.
- You've no sense of humor, ma.
- Stanley, I've been thinking.
Maybe I should get married.
- Did you say "married," ma?
- It'd be nice to have a man in the house.
- A man around the house?
I'm a man, ma.
- Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
It would be nice not to have
to worry about bills and rent.
- Yeah, ma, but I'm a
marriage counselor now.
I'll take care of you.
- I'm so tired of washing
dishes and cleaning.
If god wanted me to clean, he
would have made me a broom.
Mr. Greenberg, the one
that owns the fruit store,
he's crazy about me, I can tell.
- Wow, you got some taste, ma.
- And that Mr. Bloom from the drugstore,
he can't take his eyes off me.
- You know who might be
really good to you, ma?
Somebody fascinating, like Claude rains.
Remember Claude rains, ma?
His most famous part.
"I don't take up much
room, I'm invisible."
Don't like that either, ma, huh?
Well, uh.
- Go, go already.
That's all, ma.
- You're driving me crazy.
It's time you stopped clowning around.
- Son, a marriage counselor.
- Hello.
- Hello there.
- Oh, Marge.
How nice to hear from you.
- What are you doing, Manuel?
- I left something, I'm looking for it.
Is that right, Manuel?
- Hey, what's this I hear about going
over to Marge's house tonight?
I'm not going over to Marge's house.
I don't like them.
They're cheap bastards.
- We're going.
- No, we are not going.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
- We're going.
- We're not going.
- We're going.
- We're not going.
- We're going.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.
We're going.
- No, we're not.
- We're going.
- Yes.
- No.
- Going, going.
- We are going.
- No.
- Going.
- We're not going.
- We are going.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.
We're going.
- He going.
- Yes.
- No.
- Hello?
Well, the doctor is a very busy man.
Let me look at his appointment book.
Stanley!
- Yeah?
- There's a lady on the
phone, a Mrs. Rawson.
She's a patient.
She wants to come and see
you tonight with her husband.
- Tell them to come at seven o'clock, ma.
No, no, no, make that eight o'clock.
- The doctor is very busy,
but he'll see you
tonight at eight o'clock.
Goodbye.
- I have patients already.
How about that?
Stanley bebble, successful
marriage counselor.
- What a pair of post-er-ays.
- Okay, Katie, you win, let's get married.
- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
- Oh, boy, does that mean
now we can make love?
- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!
- Oh, oh, oh, boy, then we can make love?
- Darling, will you hand me the soap?
Oh, darling, wash my back.
Your hands feel so gentle today.
Oh, just keep on rubbing.
Oh, I've got soap in my eyes, darling!
Get me a towel.
Get me a towel, please!
- My, you do have a problem!
Holy gravy.
You mean to tell me that your husband
always calls you a bitch?
Mm hmm, and your sex life.
I haven't heard anything
so weird in my life.
Likes to make love in a park.
Well, park is not too bad.
People's backyards?
Well, maybe that's not so weird, either.
On the street, everybody watching?
Oh my god.
He likes to what?
Do it dog fashion?
Only dog fashion?
How degrading!
Next time he does that, you just tell him
he's barking up the wrong tree.
What do you think of that?
That's what you get, talking to a dog.
Straitjacket, throw away the key.
Yeah, all right, get out of here, cocoa.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm not talking to any more weirdos.
I want real patients.
Ma, bring in the next patient!
Hey, Manuel.
Come here, I wanna talk to you a minute.
Come here.
What were you doing out there?
- I dropped a piece of soap.
I was bending down to pick it up.
- Oh, yeah, oh, because you were cleaning
the hallways again, huh?
How come you're always
cleaning the hallways?
You know something, I bet we got
the cleanest hallways in all of america.
No, no, no, no, I take that back.
Probably in the whole wide world.
- I got a bad back, so I got a system.
I clean the hallway, a different hallway,
every day, make it easier for me.
- Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah,
but let me tell you something, Manuel,
and I don't want you to think
I'm talking down to you,
and I want you to know something.
This has nothing to do with the fact
that you're puerto rican and I'm American.
Because I wanna tell you something.
Some of my best friends are janitors.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know something.
- Ah, ah, mister, I'm
no janitor, I a super.
- A super.
Please.
No janitor.
Hmm, Throw
a couple of romantic words there.
Let me tell you something.
You're trying to get out of something,
and you know what it is.
I told you my toilet bowl was stopped up.
That's two days ago,
and I'm still waiting for you to fix it.
Now, you better have that toilet bowl
fixed by eight o'clock
tonight, and I mean it.
- Why, you got an
appointment to take a shit
at eight o'clock tonight?
Very good.
- All right, all right, I fix it.
- Go drop another piece of soap.
- You bastard, you're always
getting horny when I'm busy.
You know, there's a marriage
counselor in the building.
I really think that we should go see him.
- What for?
You're nuts.
- I think we should go see him.
I think we should go see him.
- All right, all right.
- Yes?
- We're Mr. and Mrs. Rawson.
- Come into the waiting room.
Go into the waiting room, please.
- Mr. and Mrs. Rawson?
- We're Mr. and Mrs. Rawson.
- I'm Mrs. George.
This is my husband.
We live on the floor above you.
The card said no appointment necessary.
- Oh, that's all right.
Why don't you all follow
me into my office.
That's the latest methods,
you know, group therapy.
Same fee, but you get much better results.
Well, where do we start?
- Look here, buddy.
- Just a little joke.
Mrs. Rawson, how long
have you been married?
- Seven years.
- Hey, that's a good question.
After all, I am a marriage counselor.
Tell me everything, Mrs. Rawson.
- Everything?
- Only way I can help you.
Have to know every single little thing.
I first met my husband Brian
at the fong-go club in the village.
- What club?
The fong-go club.
I was a dancer there.
I was a good dancer, too.
I could've had a great career.
But I gave it up for him!
- Go on, Mrs. Rawson.
- Brian said it was love at first sight.
- First fright is more like it.
"First fright."
Now that's funny.
Go on, Mrs. Rawson.
- Brian just couldn't
keep his hands off me.
Wherever we were, he
always wanted to, you know.
- Screw, say it!
- Why, even the first night we met.
He said he left some papers
he had to mail in his room.
- New twist.
Papers to mail.
No hijinks.
- But when we got there.
We kept company for six months,
and Brian was just wonderful.
- What the hell are you balling about?
I married you, didn't I?
- So you were married.
- We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii.
- Hawaii, all those leis!
- Come on, baby, let's
make with the bodies.
That's what you call a real sexy moon.
- Oh, Brian.
They said Hawaii was beautiful,
but I didn't see any of the sights.
I was on my back all the time.
- Well, can't have everything.
- But when we got back from the honeymoon,
everything was changed.
He forgot that I was a woman.
Brian, Brian, damn it.
Remember me, your wife Myra?
Brian, Brian!
Bfian!
- What the hell are you doing?
I can't see the picture.
- Brian doesn't even know I have a body!
- Mr. Rawson, what are you,
some kind of a cold fish or something?
- I didn't wanna come
here in the first place.
She insisted.
I should've left her in Hawaii.
Boy, that was where she
was hot in the pants.
A real woman.
But now...
Listen, last week.
There's the cold fish.
- Now, now, Mrs. Rawson.
Try to control yourself.
And now we'll hear from
the other panelists.
I mean our other friends in the room.
What are your sex problems?
- Sex problems?
We don't have any sex problems.
Sex ain't everything.
We got a sex life, don't we, baby?
- Yeah, Tom.
- But we got plenty of other problems.
- So, what's wrong?
- I can't remember the last
time I had a decent meal.
- You got a hell of a nerve.
- Go on, go on.
- I don't know how I put up
with him all these years.
- Put up with me?
You've had me by the balls ever since
I was stupid enough to marry you.
- Oh, bulghur.
- Bulghur.
Why, if I wasn't a gentleman.
- You a gentleman?
- Before I was batty enough to say "I do,"
you were a real doll.
- He's just not interested in me anymore,
except in bed.
- Maybe if you didn't always
look like such a slob.
- You call me a slob?
- Why don't you shut up?
- You have a big mouth,
just like your mother.
- My mother has a big mouth?
- Yeah, and she almost ate me
right into the poorhouse
with her big mouth.
- How dare you.
She hardly ate a thing the
short time that she was there.
- Short time?
Three years!
- It was only two months.
- Well, it felt like three years.
She sure ate for three
years in those two months.
Could you pass the string beans?
- Pig!
- Well, mom always did
have a big appetite,
but your mother never left us alone,
not even for a minute,
the whole year she stayed with us.
I wish we could go to the
movies without your mother.
Just once.
I don't know why she insists on going.
She falls asleep as soon as
she hits the seat, anyway.
She drives the audience
crazy with her snoring.
It's so embarrassing.
- Yeah, well, I.
Night, mother.
- Goodnight, son.
- Goodnight, mother.
- What took you so long?
- And you talk about my mother?
Please, help me,
I'm so miserable.
- Mr. Rawson, why don't you put
your arm around her and comfort her?
- Ah, she doesn't even
have a figure anymore.
She used to have a great pair of knockers.
- You're crazy, she has
a beautiful pair of tits.
- How the hell do you know what she's got?
- It were last Thursday.
The last Thursday, I were
cleaning up the hall.
I bend down to pick up a piece of soap,
and then I see.
I never do that before, look
through keyhole, not me.
Just this one time.
I got honor!
- Last Thursday, huh?
Last Thursday, I stayed
at my mother's house.
I didn't come home until Friday!
Why, you no good,
two-timing son of a bitch!
- Listen, I can explain everything!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, we're through.
- Yes?
- Hello, mother.
- Mother?
I'm not your mother.
- Didn't Stanley tell you?
- Tell me what?
- Well, Stanley and I,
we're getting married.
- Married, my Stanley getting
married, don't be ridiculous.
Are you kidding me?
My Stanley getting married.
He can't even go to the
bathroom without me.
Maybe 100 years from now,
when I'm dead, god forbid,
maybe Stanley will get
married, but not now.
- Don't you put your hands on my husband!
Don't you hit him!
- Now listen, folks.
- I'll punch you in the nose.
- Katie!
Katie!
- Get lost, jerk.
- Oh, well, at least let me
come in and explain to you.
Oh, Katie, just give
me a minute to come in.
I can explain the whole thing to you.
Aw, Katie, aw, forget it.
Katie!
Katie.
Katie.
Come on, Katie.
Don't make a grown man cry, Katie.
Aw, Katie, I love you so much.
I can't live without you.
Katie!
Come on, Katie, I can't live
without you, baby.
Aw, Katie.
Boy, oh, boy, she's gonna feel
sorry when I kill myself, boy.
I'm gonna open up this
window and I'm gonna jump.
I'm gonna jump, that's what I'm gonna do.
22 stories up.
She'll be...
Damn window.
Yep, you're gonna feel
real sorry when I'm gone.
Can't gag on the pills.
I can get hurt that way.
No pills for me.
- No wonder my gas bill is so high.
Stanley?
I have a surprise for you.
I got married.
I did it for you.
Every boy needs a father.
So, turn the gas off and
go, go meet your new daddy.
- Son!
Hey, you.
What's the matter with you?
You deaf?
You no hear?
Didn't I tell you yesterday
to fix the toilet bowl in 1A?
Well, go fix it.