Kill Buljo: The Movie (2007) Movie Script

I have to congratulate you, Jompa.
And thank you -
- for inviting me
to your engagement party.
I am really looking forward
to marrying you on Saturday.
Shit... this Saturday?
What time?
It's at four.
How could you forget that, Jompa?
Right during the football on TV.
Isn't that a small price
for marrying the woman you love?
Love? Love has got
nothing to do with it.
She's got 5000 reindeers.
I've got one, and that's limp.
They shot me.
In the middle of
the engagement party.
Weapons on the rack, please.
It hurt like hell.
They shot my girl,
my whole family.
Even the reindeer.
But they made one big mistake.
They thought I was dead.
Is this regarding
the illegal slaughtering?
But I wasn't fucking dead!
God... this makes me sick.
Man showing his true nature.
I can't believe that anyone can
murder so many innocent people.
Most of these people are Lapps,
so I don't really see a problem.
But when they decided to waste
Banana Airlines (Norw. Cult band), -
- they made it personal.
What have you got for me, Unni?
What's the status here?
We recovered cartridge cases
from four different weapons.
Multiple eyewitnesses saw four
people leaving after the shooting.
Eyewitnesses here -
- are about as reliable
as the fly who said -
- it flew away from a pile of shit.
I solved my first case
when I was nine.
So I think I know
what I need to know -
- about police work.
Where is the last Coke?
OK, so I guess you think
anything goes in this house?
I was thirsty,
and we we're out of milk.
I guess we're out of water as well?
Here I am, working my dick off.
Do you think the social security
check cashes itself?
I wanted to relax in front of the TV
with a nice, cold drink.
Here you are, you little cocksucker,
finishing off daddy's Coke.
You're a fucking disgrace. What in
the hell is going to become of you?
I'm gonna be a cop.
You can't even investigate the
skid marks in your own underpants.
What is that suppose to mean,
you fucking deadbeat?
Did you just disrespect me?
Hang around here, smartass, until
your ass is numb in every direction.
- Good morning, officers.
- Morning, Wisloeff.
A little bird told me
you're producing moonshine?
- And selling it to under aged kids?
- That's just malicious slander.
- You won't mind if I look around?
- No, by all means.
- Check the trapdoor.
- Sid, shut up. Don't listen to him.
The boy is crazy.
It's his fucking mother's fault.
Let's split it 60/40.
I'll take the 60 and you the 40?
- Arrest this asshole.
- Fuck you, Sid, you little dildo!
You're cut off, you hear?
What do you think happened here?
I'll tell you.
It all started out as
a peaceful celebration.
Suddenly Jompa discovers something
that makes him totally lose it.
Someone has been watering down
his beloved booze.
He pulls out a shotgun.
Everyone is dead.
Case closed. That's lunch.
A bit weird since he himself
was shot 4 times in the head.
We have a Lapp
with a serious drinking problem.
What more do we need?
Dead as a duck.
A duck?
You're in a barn
talking about ducks?
Fucking moron.
No, I mean he is dead as a duck.
Jompa Tormann is dead.
Nice work. The last thing we need now
is some drunken Lappp bastard -
- sticking his nose
where it doesn't belong.
Now we can finally
concentrate on Project Tourism.
I want everyone
to keep a low profile.
Everyone keeps doing
what they normally do.
I don't want to raise
any unnecessary suspicion.
Now nothing can stop us.
Hot little thing' uh?
Came in last week. Tested him out
a couple of times myself.
Pretty nice and firm.
Before I let you go at it,
a couple of ground rules.
There will be no biting, scratching
or pinching of any kind.
Then I'm out of a job,
and you will be cut off.
2. If you happen to pull out any
wires in the heat of the moment, -
- make sure you put them in.
Or you'll be the man who ass fucked
a dead Lapp, and paid for it.
3. I want a controlled ejaculation.
Don't hose down the whole room.
I'm gonna be super pissed if I have
to clean your cum off these walls.
Best thing to do
is just to come inside him.
Ok, he's all yours.
Oh, before I forget:
If you hit a dry patch,
just apply a little bit of this.
Make sure you really lube him up.
And you'll be right back
where you started.
I brought my own.
Nice work, Bud.
Nice work, Kjell.
What a day.
Soon this whole area
will be filled with tourists.
We'll be richer then Carrot Top.
Not even God himself could have
come up with a more brilliant plan.
Shit, I have to take a piss.
Such a small fucking cock,
and such a large amount of urine.
Are you OK?
you're needed in the E.R. Stat.
There is nothing wrong with this
patient. She is just unusually fat.
There is a salad bar too,
you know.
No reflexes.
Put him in a stabile intercourse.
And then you extract
his appendix anally.
He's having a breakdown.
Get me the defibri... defi...
Get me the machine
that shoots electricity.
Then you put 10.000 volt
right in his testicles.
Just take it easy.
Everything is gonna be fine.
- What is wrong with you?
- My arm hurts.
I'll be right back.
- Don't ever call me in the barn!
- Jompa has escaped from the hospital.
OK, I'm coming.
I'm coming... I'm coming.
Pull down panties
and we'll take a look see.
Welcome, officers,
and good evening.
A crisis situation
has just occurred.
I am not referring to the fact that
Babylon Zoo is planning a comeback.
We have a crazy Lapp running around.
His name is Jompa Tormann.
We don't know if he's armed, -
- but he is considered
dangerous and extremely stupid.
Ok people, good luck.
- Look what the cat dragged in.
- Here is your coffee, Sid.
- Is it hot?
- Yes.
I asked for a fucking
hot cup of coffee.
Maybe it a was hot.
Kato, bring me another cup
while you're out there.
If you call me Boris
one more time, -
- I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.
- Boris means "hello" in Saami.
Peggy Mathilassi, I was sent from
Kautokeino to help you find Jompa.
A couple of ground rules, missy.
Here, we talk Norwegian.
I don't wanna hear another word
of that disgusting pig-Latin.
And two.
Here we act civilized.
That costume is not
gonna fly around here.
If I'm gonna help you find Jompa,
I demand to be treated with respect.
You're a Lapp, and a woman.
Where does respect
come in to play?
They're gone.
All of them.
They took everything from me.
Everybody I know
ripped away from me.
All I am left with, is two hands
and a bunch of questions.
Why did they do it?
Was it my fault?
Where are they now?
Who ordered it?
And why does my ass
hurt like hell?
All these questions
need an answer.
But one thing is certain.
I will have my revenge.
I had been comatose for months,
my body was in a terrible state.
I needed to get in shape.
And there was only one person
who could help me.
Mr. Handjob.
I'm standing right outside the pub.
You'll never guess who is sitting
at the bar pounding down booze.
No, not Ozzy Osbourne.
Jompa Tormann.
- Is this seat free?
- Hell yeah.
I know who you are,
and what you have done.
- She said she was over 16, I swear.
- What?
Forget it.
I am a police officer, you're wanted
for killing all your guests -
- at your engagement party.
- What asshole suggested that?
- Don't spoil the atmosphere.
- I think you're innocent.
Of course I'm innocent.
Who would invite all his friends, -
- and then blow their heads off?
Do think I'm completely mad?
- Tell me what happened.
- Buljo and his men crashed the party-
- as Banana Airlines played.
They started shooting
at everyone and everything.
- Why would they do that?
- Have you ever heard Banana Airlines?
I don't know what it is about you,
Jompa, but I believe you.
I've been hurt before.
Roll flashback.
I remember it
like it was yesterday.
We met at an AA meeting
in Lakselv.
And it was love at first sight.
God, we were happy.
How is it looking, Jompa?
It's getting there.
What the hell is that smell?
Did you skip showering today?
I am the king of Kautokeino!
- Now it's your turn.
- No, I don't want to.
Mona, if we are gonna make this work
we have to trust each other 100%.
You have to trust me with your life.
Don't think with your head,
think with your heart.
Do you trust me, Mona?
Yes, Jompa, I do.
I'm the Queen of...
Tormann, you son of a bitch.
Surrender or die.
She was known as Friendly Franny.
Bitch, whore, cunt, tramp.
I don't really give a shit
what she was.
All I care about
is you coming with me, now.
No fucking way.
You'll never take me alive.
Wisloeff, I don't think he did it.
Listen to what he has to say.
If I want a woman's advice, I'll ask
my mum. Leave the police work to me.
Enough games, come quietly or die.
Fuck you!
Fine, then I guess I will have to
mix business and pleasure.
- I'll see you in hell.
- No!
I am gonna prove my innocence.
Fuck the police.
That shit only works in the movies.
Why didn't you just drive up here?
- Shit!
- What can I do for you?
You can teach me how tear somebody's
head off with my bare hands.
Yes I can.
But it will cost you.
I am gonna make you pay
as the lousy dog that you are.
You will learn respect,
discipline and humility.
Welcome to hell.
Fuck, I just came out of rehab.
A great warrior keeps a cool head.
He is wise.
Not just with his fists.
But with his head and heart, too.
A great warrior is like water.
Be formless, shapeless - like water.
If you put water into a cup,
it becomes the cup.
You put water into a teapot,
it becomes the teapot.
Be water, my friend.
Good luck, Jompa.
And remember.
To quench your lust for revenge,
you must drink blood.
You talk a lot of crap, old man.
But thanks.
Just mail me the bill.
Hold on, Jompa.
You will open this
when you are ready.
I hate soft gifts.
But OK, I'll see you around...
Cock tease.
Yes, you heard me correctly. I want
roadblocks in a 60 mile radius.
So tight that not even a fart gets
through without me knowing it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
We had him right in front of us.
I can't believe that Lapp got away.
This case would have been closed
if it wasn't for you, silly bitch.
Jompa Tormann would be bending over
in the showers. He would be in jail.
But the real killers
are still at large, Wisloeff.
If I want a great recipe for
freshly made buns, I will call you.
Curse the day women were allowed
into the police force.
Curse the day morons
were allowed into the police force.
- What has Kato ever done to you?
- You, Wisloeff, you incompetent fuck.
Take it easy, doll face.
What is the reason
for all this penis-envy?
You better face the facts,
you can never grow a pair of balls.
Thank God for that.
I'll solve this thing on my own.
Here's Jompa!
- Do you have an appointment?
- No.
Good morning, sunshine.
I have a few questions.
If you know what's best for you,
you'll tell me what I want to know.
It hurts like hell when I pee.
Why is that?
I don't know,
but I hope it kills you.
So much for courtesy.
Let's try this again, shall we?
Why did you make my engagement party
into a fucking bloodbath?
Last chance.
Answer or die.
Maybe I should
loosen this a bit for you.
Or maybe not.
Stress, man, it's a killer.
Dad... dad.
I have some bad news.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Jompa Tormann just blew
Kjell Driver's head off.
I gave you a simple job.
All you had to do was to kill
that nosy drunken Lapp.
And you kill 20 innocent people
in a fucking engagement party.
How are things progressing
with the rock carvings?
Things are moving along nicely.
We're almost done.
We have manufactured
about 2000 rock carvings.
But back to Jompa Tormann.
You're my only son.
You're the one
who is supposed to spread my seed.
But since you're such a fuckup,
I'll let an outsider watch over you.
This one here,
she is the right man for the job.
What is it with you
and female bodyguards?
Blowjob, we have an intruder.
Take her down. Now!
Well looky here.
It looks like we
caught ourselves a little pig.
Tell the guys to get the snowmobiles
ready. Take her to the mountain.
Keep her there
until I tell you otherwise.
Nobody is gonna cock this up.
I see somebody wasn't happy
with their diagnosis.
I haven't seen this much blood and
guts since I worked at McDonalds.
Kato, what happened here?
I think somebody killed the doctor.
You think somebody killed...
Jake has the Fatman,
Sherlock Holmes has Doctor Watson.
Han Solo has Chewbacca.
And what the fuck do I have?
A guy that thinks that DNA
is a division in the CIA.
Get me a coffee. And I don't have to
remind you that it better be hot.
What a fucking mess.
I think I may have discovered
the cause of death. He probably -
- showed this picture to somebody.
Wisloeff, look at this!
- What the hell is this?
- Rock carvings.
What does Kjell Driver want
with rock carvings?
Suck me sideways.
Something is not right
about this whole thing.
- Have we heard from Unni?
- We called, but there is no answer.
Nobody has seen her
for two days.
Well, what do we have here.
You really are an ugly fuck, Kato.
Bring this picture back to forensics
and see what they can do with it.
Someone call the plumber.
Cause something smells funny.
Allow me to introduce
my deadliest weapon.
Lara Kofta.
She came highly recommended
by Papa Buljo himself.
She is a master with all weapons.
She has four black belts,
and a pair of suspenders.
The best thing Jompa can do now
is to go back into a coma.
Kjell Driver was dead.
I blew his head off, it felt good.
The only problem
was his reluctance to talk.
I had no idea
where they were holding up.
I couldn't stop thinking about
that cute cop neither.
There was something between us.
My stomach turned
every time I thought of her.
Was it love? Or was it
the corn dog I ate 20 minutes ago?
Anyway, I had to find them.
And there was only one person
who could help me.
- Fortune Fiona?
- Husj!
Do you see anything?
No, this is my dinner.
What can I do for you?
I need to find The Deadly
Saapmi Assosiation Squad.
Wait, I see them.
They're on a mountain.
In a cabin in Langfjorden.
I see a woman.
What does she look like?
She has long black hair
and brown eyes.
- And big hooters.
- It's Unni!
Her hard buns
are calling out for you.
Spank me, Jompa!
Spank me, whip me!
I have a cab waiting.
You've been a great help.
You wouldn't happen to know
the Lotto numbers as well?
- Oh, Jompa, I knew you would come.
- Relax baby. Jompa is here.
Fucking boy scouts!
We have to get out of here.
First I'm to kill every last one
of those motherfuckers.
You can't.
They're too many, you'll be killed.
You're such a nag.
Nag, nag, nag.
Had I known you couldn't shut up,
I wouldn't have untied you.
Jompa, let's go. I'll tell Wisloeff
you're innocent. We must leave now.
But then you have to lick my balls.
Come on.
Quick, after them!
My dad is gonna kill me.
Are they gone?
Hang on.
Five a day keeps the belly at bay.
I want answers.
Why did you try to kill me?
Because you stuck your big fat nose
in our business.
Now I am gonna finish what I
should have done a long time ago.
Junior High? How the hell has
an idiot like you made it this far?
I had a full tank of gas.
So much for keeping a cool head.
Now you listen to me, you old hag.
I am about to drive over there
and beat you to death -
- with your own wheelchair.
My mother.
the pictures are back from the lab.
We have identified
the people next to Jompa.
Could you be a bit more up front?
The pictures are back from the lab.
We identified those next to Jompa.
Moron. No more talking
out of you. Go sit down.
Peggy, the people in the picture, -
- besides Jompa have been identified
as Tampa Buljo, Kjell Driver, -
- Crazy Beibifeit and Bud Light.
We found Bud Light dead two hours
ago. Somebody cut his head off.
I have a feeling
that our little Lappish friend -
- Jompa Tormann
may be innocent after all.
But it looks like he is
on his own personal vendetta.
Fucking Lapps.
They have only two feelings.
Thirsty -
- and bloodthirsty.
Why do you hate the Saami people?
What did they ever do to you?
Oh, I'll tell you.
The year was 1979.
The government decided to put up
a huge dam not far from here.
Don't touch me,
I am carrying a lovechild!
I was doing my job as usual,
when suddenly nature came calling.
Are you guys here protesting?
You look clean, boy.
Are you clean, boy?
I did shower back at the station
if that's what you're referring to.
You look young to be a cop.
Are you young, boy?
Are you fresh?
I should be heading back.
There is a lot of people...
Drop your pants.
Drop your pants.
I think I should leave them on,
I have a bit of a cold.
Don't be modest.
Drop your pants.
Long underpants, too.
Get down on all fours.
Scream like a pig.
Scream for me. Scream like a pig!
A small parrot.
Monkey, monkey.
An ostrich, be an ostrich.
A little kitty.
And now a sea lion.
Not a sea captain. I said sea lion.
Watch it, or it's back to pig.
Have you ever
had your shit shoved in?
Drop the underpants.
Because Santa is about
to enter your chimney.
We need help.
If those fucking Lapps hadn't been
protesting like they did that day, -
- none of this
would have happened.
That's why I hate Lapps.
That, and because
they smell like cat piss.
But you're not even sure
if those two were Lapps.
I don't know anymore, Peggy.
I don't know what's
up or down or left or right.
is going to be fine, Wisloeff.
Touch me again -
- and I'll rip off your face
and shove it up your ass.
So that every time you take a shit,
it'll be on your ugly fucking face.
Unni, you're so easy to talk to.
It feels like I've known you -
- for hours.
Let me tell you a story -
- about a little boy.
He was beaten and picked on -
- constantly for 9 years.
Once, a bunch of guys came to
his house to invite him out to play.
He was so happy.
But nobody
really wanted to play with him.
When he got outside all they did
was beat the living shit out of him.
I can still hear them laughing -
- as he is running home
with his underwear over his head.
- Jompa, that kid was you, wasn't it?
- No, I also used to beat him up.
I was the one who pulled
his underwear over his head.
- Why are you telling me this?
- I don't know.
Maybe because I now know
what it feels like to be all alone.
Oh, Jompa!
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Talk about being forgetful.
I feel there is something special
and unexplainable between us.
Relax, it's just my dick.
Ooh, Jompa... Jompa.
Less talk, more fucking.
Unni, I went to kill Beibifeit.
Luv ya baby.
PS: You were a great fuck!
How the hell
did we end up in this situation?
- Somebody please explain it to me.
- Well, the simple explanati...
Shut up!
Any news on Jompa Tormann?
No. Nobody has seen him
since he cut Bud Light's head off.
We have to hurry this thing along.
The press will be here in two days.
And we still
have rock carvings to finish.
Can you tell me why Tormann
hasn't been to the police -
- or even the press?
- Because he's an idiot?
- Probably.
But if I know that crazy Lapp,
he'll be coming for us.
When he does, we're gonna kill
that bastard once and for all!
Only then can we start on
my next big project: Waterpark.
Buljo's rock carvings and waterpark.
It will be the most popular -
- tourist attraction in the country.
Who said it doesn't pay to be bad?
"Beloved Bastard."
Now you're on "The deep End".
Eat that!
You have a "Date with death".
Come here you little...
Needs more alcohol...
Here is Jompa!
Shit, I used that already.
I can see! I can see.
Yeah, but you didn't see the fan.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Buljo and company have vanished
from the face of the earth.
And we have no idea
where to find them.
- What are you guys doing here?
- Where the hell have you been?
Buljo and his gang kidnapped me.
After our fight, I decided to...
Why is it that every time you take
a shit, you also have to pee?
But when you have to pee,
you don't have to take a shit.
They're trying to kill Jompa.
- Where are these rock carvings?
- 12 miles from here, by the dam.
I came here to find Jompa. He's
probably up there. He needs our help.
I never thought the day would come
when I would utter these words.
But what the hell,
let's help the little Lapp-bastard.
I've finally found you.
What the hell are you talking about?
We've been neighbours for 20 years.
Fuck, that's right.
Yeah, whatever.
The day you shot me
you ordered a one way ticket to hell.
And who ever else
comes between us, dies too.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
our little medical marvel -
- who is visiting.
Papa Buljo, what are you doing here?
Are you behind all this?
Of course I am.
You didn't think it was Tampa, -
- did you?
There is a reason he's 34 years old
and still can't tie his own shoes.
Did what?
What are you talking about?
The day you saw us
making those rock carvings -
- you signed
your own death warrant.
Rock cravings? What the hell is that?
Was that what you were doing?
What the fuck is a rock carving?
So you're telling me that you had
no idea what we were doing?
Seriously, when the hell have I ever
known what anyone was doing?
For 20 years I thought Evolution
was a film starring David Duchovny.
Fuck, it's the cops.
Kill the bastards!
Tampa, come on,
we are running away!
You're gonna pay for that, Tampa.
Crouching snake...
Horny reindeer.
Talk about a split personality.
I know my son is an idiot.
But when you cut him in half,
it's personal.
We are entering hostile territory.
So be alert.
Danger can be waiting for us
around any corner.
Remember that if...
Kato, arrest that silly bitch.
Oh, I see you like to dance, miss...
But around here, I lead.
Oh, are you ok?
Let me see.
Whore, bitch, cunt!
I want you to know something.
I am your father.
Nah, I'm just kidding.
But I have fucked your mother.
So has half of Kautokeino.
You have the right to shut up.
Anything you say can and will be
held against you in a court of law.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you can't afford one, tough luck.
Well, I guess that's it.
Fucking trailer trash!
You can't hide forever, Jompa.
Relax, nobody has to die today.
I need someone new in my life.
Someone I can shape
in my own image.
A real hardass.
Someone who can get things done.
What do you say, Jompa?
You can be rich.
Never, I lose my social security
as soon as I get a paid job.
Well then, Jompa,
you've made your choice.
Perhaps there is
someone else I can use.
Someone you love and care about.
Someone with potential.
If you won't join me,
perhaps Unni will?
Where the fuck are they?
- Where is Jompa?
- I don't know.
Look what you've done, asshole!
I give up. I give up!
You're salmon food!
Oh, Jompa.
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
- Where is Buljo?
- He sleeps with the fishes.
He sleeps with the fishes!
Music, people!
God, I love this band.
I have to tinkle.
Dad, is that you?
- Hello, Sid. It's good to see you.
- I thought you were in jail?
I was arrested for making moonshine.
But I got out after two months.
I just haven't bothered getting
in touch with you until now.
I'm proud of you.
But I thought you were mad at me
for having you thrown in jail.
That's all in the past.
Why should I be mad at you for that?
Because you had me thrown out
of my own house?
Because you made my family
and friends disown me?
Why should I be mad at you,
although you did get me anally raped-
- by 6 black men in prison?
No, I'm not mad. Let's forget
all that and look to the future.
Just let me get a beer first.
What the fuck!
Who took the last beer?