Kin-dza-dza! (1986) Movie Script

The Creative Union
of Comedy and Musical Films
Kin Dza Dza
Revaz Gabriadze
Giorgi Danelia
Giorgi Danelia
Paval Lebeshev
Aleksandr Samulekin
Theodor Tezik
Gia Kancheli
Yekaterina Popova
Assistant Director
Sergei Skripka
L. Bits
K. Gevorkyan
U. Yakovlev
English translation by
Andy Hurwitz
what's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vovka, pop out for some bread
- I forgot it, can you?
And I don't think there's enough macaroni
Comrade, that man says he's from another planet;
we need to do something.
Call 03
I will call but he's barefoot - he'll catch cold
Hello. Excuse my bad smell. I'm cold.
I found this in an iron bin.
Friend! Tell me the number of your planet
in the tenture?
Or at least the number of your galaxy
in the spiral?
I got my contacts mixed up and now
I can't return home.
We don't know the number.
We forgot, my friend.
And now this lad will go and call information,
and we'll wait for him in the bakers, okay?
And put this on meanwhile...
Thank you... Listen, my friends.
There's no need for the bakers,
no need for information.
This is my planet... 247 in tenture,
galaxy Beta, in the spiral.
With this machine you travel in space...
So which co-ordinates do I press
in order to travel home?
You see time is relative -
do you understand this?
Let me make a suggestion.
We'll just press this contact
and travel to your home.
But if this machine doesn't work,
then you travel with us to where
we want to take you, okay?
No, you can't...
You need to know...
Yes we can...
So what can you see? Eh?
So that gadget worked...
and that idiot, with his holes,
he stayed behind?
Dont worry...
There's the sun, there's sand,
there's gravity.
Where are we? We're on Earth. Or...
No, let's take it we're on Earth,
in some desert... So?
Karakumi? Eh?
What other deserts do we have?
Gobi, Sahara...
No, I said OUR deserts!
The only other one is the Kyzylkumi.
No. Let's take it that it's the Karakumi. Eh?
So that means...
The sun's in the west... so,
Ashabad is this way. Understood?
let's go!
Let's go... let's go!
Comrade, what's your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
And I'm Gedevan.
Pleased to meet you...
You have a bottle in your bag,
is it wine?
No, it's wine vinegar.
And some herbs - coriander.
So we'll live well.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember
what number was given by
the guy who took my socks?
Only maybe we're on the planet,
he came from?
Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess,
it's all the same and wont change a thing!
Now we choose a direction and go.
The most important thing is to reach water.
Vladimir Nikoaevich,
I want to put my slippers on.
Well, put them on!
Then wait!
What's the time?
In the morning?
Are you late?
I feel uncomfortable...
I phoned the airport to say I'd be
there in an hour. And here we are...
Are you studying at the conservatory?
No, it's someone else's. Professor Rogozina.
He gave a harvest concert for us,
and they forgot to put the violin
in the plane.
A banquet?
No, dinner...
Ah! Are you from Tibilisi?
No, Batumi.
I thought I'd return the violin,
and still have time to catch the train.
I study textiles in Ivanova.
So first I went to MGIMO to return it,
to the institute of international relations,
but they told me there that...
A man...
Do you know any languages?
English. Some French.
Tell them we have no money...
Tell them we can't pay them.
Hello! We are from a group of tourists
and we've strayed from the group.
Take us to the town,
and somehow we'll regroup.... Translate.
Do you speak English?
Parle francais?
Do you speak English? Parle Francais?
...Sprechen Sie Deutch?
No money. Money, documents,
currency - all left with the tour guide.
So, that's the result...
we turned our backs for a minute and...
disappeared in the sands.
Take it. It's warm.
Excuse me, what?
You want my hat?
I'm's somebody else's,
I can't give it away...
There's nothing in there.
Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, eh?
Well friend so it's agreed?
You'll take us?
Skripach, quickly...
Like I said we must get to the nearest town,
and here's a way we can get there!
The jacket now...
A good thing they don't want the violin.
Now they feel ashamed!
What do you mean 'Ktse'?
He seems to want the matches.
You want the matches?
The whole box?
Take us away from here,
and we'll give you 'koo'.
Not one letter to identify where it's made...
Excuse me, I don't understand...
Do you speak Turkish?
What do they want?
They want Koo!
Thank you...
He wants me to wear the bell.
Too bad.
I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich,
if it makes him happy...
Go ahead!
All right, I'm persuaded.
I'm going to light up,
if that's all right with you...
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
maybe we really are on...
Yes! Typical Martians.
Lusenka, darling, pest,
it seems to you these...macaroni.
So. We know Russian do we?
Why was it necessary to conceal it?
Well we didn't conceal it.
It's very difficult to fathom a language,
when straight away you're
thinking in two languages.
And that Patsak is talking
all the time in languages,
the rest of which he doesn't know.
Why are you staring at me,
maimoona verishvilo.
They know Georgian too...
What did he say?
Ape son of a donkey.
So. We're from the Soviet Union,
here on a cultural exchange.
They know us, and where we are,
and can find us.
If you're not prepared to let us contact
our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions,
is that clear?
We don't understand embassy,
put on the bell quickly!
That means you understand macaroni,
you understand maimuni,
but you dont know what's an embassy, idiots.
I've had enough!
You're morons, understand?
You thought about macaroni and I just repeated it.
This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend.
It's the planet Pluk, 215 in tenture.
In the galactic spiral of Kin Dza Dza.
Do you understand?
How do you do? Let's go...
Wear the bells, my friend... Wear them.
There we are, well done.
Excuse me, where are we?
Sh! She has very sensitive ears.
Do you know the tenture of your own planet?
Well, tell me the number of
your galaxy in the spiral.
In the spiral?
In the spiral. The spiral...
You know where the earth is.
It orbits with such planets as er...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
The Great Bear.
Vladimir Nikolaevich - come here.
On your planet do you have more matches?
Well, you'll find them.
How many will you give us
if we set you back there?
How many do you need?
Two packs like these!
But give us what you have now,
I will buy a gravitsapa from them.
Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa?
Without a gravitsapa a pepelats
can only fly like this,
but with one you can reach
any point in the universe - in five seconds.
My friends, how is it that you bring a pepelats
without a gravitsapa from the garage?
It's not in working order.
We had a gravitsapa. But when
we arrived here, it broke down.
But don't you have a transference machine?
Give me the matches.
Give us some water.
Like this! You need to do this!
Foo.. You need to do this!
Foo...Do this...Foo...
It's yours, now smoke like this.
Thank you.
He says there they have a gravitsapa.
Put your matches here.
Here's what we'll do. When you put us
on the earth, you can have them...
What do you mean?
Come on, Skripach, to the open cosmos.
Wait! Come back. Come back!
On mother earth you'll get them.
Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said
if we take you, you will give us them all.
But then you stole this match from us.
Patsak doesn't cheat patsak
it's not nice, my friend...
I said - take us to the town!
And what's this?
A shed.
And what's this? What's this?
What's this here - not a town?!
You're trying to make fools of us.
Show us your gravitsapa.
It's a trade thing. We'll take it.
Patsak! What kind of idiots have I got here
who give me contraband ktse in front of witnesses,
when for that you'll get life imprisonment
lying on nails?
Have you got a brain in your head or Kyoo?
We'll buy it ourselves. Come on.
Stop! Stop I say!
Who are you? I asked, who are you?
The new foreman.
No. You're a patsak. And who are you?
I'm a Georgian.
No, You're a patsak too. You're a patsak,
you're a patsak and he's a patsak.
But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian.
So you wear the tsak and sit in
the pepelats, understand?
Watch when I point this device at myself,
my friend... which point registers? Green.
Now at him, watch - green too.
And at you...Green.
Now look at Uef - which colour?
Because he is Chatlanian!
Well, do you understand?
So what?
Pluk is the Chatlanian planet.
Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak...
Yes, and in front of we Chatlanians
you must do this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism.
Show us again, please.
Like this!
If you would, a little slower...
Like this.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, you have a wife at home,
a son doing badly at school,
a cooperative flat you haven't paid for,
and you're're brain has gone.
It's ended pretty badly, my friend.
Very well, Skripach, let's play their games...
There we are, well done.
Now give a match to Uef, and he will buy the gravitsapa.
But it was said that you need them all.
I was joking.
Very funny.
Wait. We'll go together...
Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about them.
You show them my ktse.
And don't give them more than half a match.
Gravitsapa costs half a match.
Your Patsak said a whole match.
And he was joking.
Grade 300 cement?
Patsak! Remember - Half or less.
Excuse me - Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?
Biological factor?
From different planets?
So what distinguishes you from one another?
Are you colour blind, Skripach?
Green differs from orange doesn't it?
Come on!
do as we showed you...
Hello, citizen. You won't feel the cold
in that coat, eh?
They will keep me out. They will let you in.
Don't give them ktse,
bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it.
Come on...
Not you!
We're together!
Not you!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's alright.
Wait here.
Only don't go anywhere!
How's life?
You say, bow... but out of respect
for the ladies present...
Well what's new on Pluk?
Lay down the ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa.
Can I look at it?
In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa,
so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian.
He'll examine it.
Right. Let's fit the Tsapa.
Bad throat?
I have a proposal. I'll give you that ktse,
and you give me two bottles of water.
Let's do it.
Do you have any food?
What sort?
So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me
five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha.
For what?
we need to check it again.
Check it!
Oi, just a second!
Skripach! Can you obtain more matches on Earth?
I can.
If you can spit this further, I'll give you a half chatl.
Like so... spit.
If I can, you give me two matches....
Do you see?
It's just a game. I give you half a chatl,
you give me three matches.
Go ahead, spit, my son.
Thank you, I'd rather not.
Well fine. Give me one match,
or I give you three chatla, yellow trousers
and these odds. Go on!
Blue trousers...
Mr Uef, I will not enter such terms and conditions.
Are you going to change your mind?
Why are you annoying me, maimoona verishvilo?
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet,
and I demand that you follow our lexicon!
Where are they?
The one with a scar, who I like an idiot
gave all the matches to.
Quiet, my friends. Enough!
Enough? What do you mean enough?
I told him a thousand times
we need to go to the centre.
But he's greedy, like all
Chatlanians - 'for two chatlas cheaper!'
Well there's still one.
As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa.
Give it to me. Here.
To buy a gravitsapa.
There, in the centre.
And how will you return us to
Mother Earth, when you don't even know
in which galaxy she orbits?
The number of your planet, idiot,
any planetarium in the centre
will give out for two chatlas!
So you'll give me the match?
So you can cover us in sand?
So you won't give it?
And you won't change your mind?
That won't happen!
Then goodbye, my friend.
They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
They won't go anywhere,
they'll hang themselves for a match.
Either you agree to give us that match,
or we won't take you to the Earth
for less than seven boxes!
Two thousand.
Two thousand three hundred
Two thousand five hundred,
I can't give you more.
You can, my friend.
Mr Bee,
I have 50 rubles, matches
cost 2 kopeks a box,
that means I can buy
two and a half thousand...
Skripach you're lying!
You have more chatls.
Mr Uef! I am not Skripach to you!
My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich...
what's that, an engine?
Don't poke your nose in every hole!
...Gedevan Alexandervich...
Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now,
and take a course to the North.
Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there?
Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich,
you've gone out of your mind, my friend.
Where on Pluk is there a sea?
They made fuel from them long ago.
Sorry, they made what?
Fuel, Skripach, fuel...
Now you owe us six thousand,
one hundred and forty boxes.
How has it accumulated so much?
You ate the kasha, you drank the
water... and took the bandura.
No, delete the bandura... we don't want
the bandura. Put it down...
Let's at least take something technical,
if not who will believe it?
Now give them the violin,
if you like it so much.
It's an 18th century Italian violin,
and cost 1000 rubles, if not more.
How will I pay for it?
Skripac, instead of thinking
that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut,
give back the spoon you stole from a poor artist.
I never thought of such a thing...
I wanted to return it to the institute of
non-ferrous metals, something new...
Heavens! The heavens never saw such
a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach.
I am deeply sad.
Where are you going?
To the toilet.
You can't go to the toilet with money,
money is left here. Gedevan Aleksandervich.
Ktse are very dear, my friend.
Well now, on Earth,
how do you determine who should squat
in front of whom and how many times?
Well, you just have a feel for it.
Barbarian! Listen, I've started
to like you, and I'm teaching you.
If I have a few ktse,
I have the right to wear yellow trousers.
And in front of me a patsak
should squat not one, But two times.
If I have many ktse, I have
the right to wear crimson trousers,
and a patsak should squat
twice in front of me,
and chatlanian say koo.
And the Etsilop don't have
the right to beat me at night.
I have a suggestion, my friend.
You give us the match, now, and we'll then
give you yellow trousers, okay?
Thanks, I have some already,
perhaps Skripach needs them.
Skripach! Here are some
interplanetary trousers for sale.
Yellow ones. Do you want them?
Skripach isn't here, my friend.
Why not?
I ejected him.
But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich
we have another ejector seat.
A new one. It's all in order.
I don't understand...
I pressed the button - he flew.
We don't need Skripach, my friend,
he only uses extra fuel...
Turn around!
Not possible...
Fuel is finished. We need to fly to the fuel station.
Turn around! Or this damned match
will burn now!
What can have become of him?
You've been told.
The etsilops have caught him.
Well let's fly, my friend.
I could murder you!
Get in touch with the epsilops by radio!
But we don't have a radio,
we threw it out.
I'll be back... I'll take a look...
Put on the tsak, quick...
put on the tsak.
Leave it!
Put it on, or he will trankluk you.
You and the match.
Good day.
Listen, friend, We lost a young lad here,
you haven't come across him?
O! Sorry, I forgot...
They said you picked him up.
I said we don't need Skripach. I said it.
Now how do we buy luts? How?
You're a disease, my friend...
He's worse. He's just kyoo.
Here's a suggestion.
We find Skripach, and fly to the local government...
Bring a little sand, my friend...
We tell him who we are, where we're from...
They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll
organise some mutually beneficial trade
you give us yellow trousers and
we give you as many ktse as you want.
To fly to the government - we need
to have a gravitsapa.
The governers live on another planet, my friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here!
And where... My thing, what is it...
I have it.
So give it to me!
Why here?
Well, just give it to me, I said!
There's noone here.
That's mine.
Alright, then keep it ready.
You asleep?
Don't lose heart, Skripach.
If there is a gravitsapa on
this Plyuk, we'll get it.
We've got scarcer things...
Eh! Wait!
Listen, drop us off in the centre.
Patsak! Stop.
Don't come any closer.
Why do you want?
Take us to the centre!...
Three chatlas..
No money! But we'll work for it!
And what can you do?
Me? I can do everything!
And what exactly?
Vladimir Nikolaevich is a
builder foreman, he can build you a house
And what can you do?
He can play the violin!
I can't!
See you around, Patsaks.
Woman! Wait! I can play!
Wait a minute...I can tune this up...
And sing.
Wait, wait!
How does it go...
Mama, mama, what should I do?...
I said, 'Cool!'
These people like it.
These people like it!
Let me be a drummer.
We don't need Skripach!
Don't worry, he can be useful.
Give us some water to drink, eh?
I said, after the performance.
And we could take it by force.
Then you'd have to ask us.
Oo! Touch me - etselop
will come and pull off your legs.
I don't give a damn about your etsilop!
Calm down, Skripach.
Don't provoke the lady...
Alright, I understand.
Listen, do you know anyone
with a gravitsapa and a pepelats?
Well he could drop us off on Earth,
and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him...
I understand that your people
don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking...
...that your wife is phoning the morgues.
No, what exactly now I'm thinking.
What you're going to give us.
Then it's the truth.
What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth?
So because you say what you
don't think and think what you
don't think, so you live in cages.
All this bitter cataclysm which
I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too...
Patsaks have to perform in a cage,
so we need a cage. Why show off?
Doesn't matter, my dear,
we will sing beside the cage.
Get in the cage or he will see us,
and will trankluk you.
We're not animals.
No you will come inside!
Come inside!
Let go!
You will get in!
Get in!
Get in, or he will melt us!
Okay, get in Skripach.
If she wants it that badly.
Get in.
One two three...
You know, try to find
another ensemble... my friend.
I'll be back.
We've got to get out of here.
Boys, push the cart, it's uphill.
The pleasure is ours...
See you, bastards!
I will tell everybody...
...where this buffoon PZh has led the planet.
Patsaks have walked all over chatlanians!
Well, everything there?
She stole the eau de cologne.
Hang on, is that lead you got there?
Let me, uncle Vova.
I don't even know which way to look.
Where's the Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Comrade Mashkov and I,
as patsaks, could receive two chatlas
for a performance - it's the maximum.
Water, luts and fines for
epsilops - a minimum of one chatl a day.
And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse!
That's two thousand two hundred chatls.
Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday
we get six. And that's for those six years when
I had no way of returning!
That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich,
but these are just words.
Where is the proof, that you arrived from the cosmos,
and didn't sell the violin, as Professor Rogozin alleges,
and spent all this time in a disoteque in Garak?
Here's some rock.
Here's a chatl.
Here's a tsak.
And a nut and sand I attached to the
explanation report and handed in to Dean Raechke,
so that it could be sent to UNESCO.
You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
You study for one term and disappear for a year!
And explain yourself...
With some pebble, some piece of old
Caucas ceramics, and a donkey bell!
A candidate for... well, as to that,
if you have musical talent,
then why didn't you participate in
our amateur performers course?
You will excuse me, Skripach,
but it's elementary koo!
Part Two
Short Chatlo-patsak dictionary.
Ktse - matches
Tsak - Little bell for the nose.
Etsikh - Box for prisoners.
Etsilop - Member of the Council.
Pepelats - Interplanetary ship.
Gravitsapa - Component of Pepelats motor
Kyoo - Oath permissible in company.
Koo - All other words.
Long time no see!
Oi! Hang on a sec!
I've got a proposal!
What do we think of you?
Well? Read out minds.
Why do you stick to us?
What do you need?
Do you have no shame?
Do you?
We are poor, unfortunate, hungry artists!
What wrong have we done you?
Why do you tortment us?
Give your bandura here...
Tune up...
Like so.
Come on.
One two three.
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
Shut it! You're tone deaf!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
They like it...
They understand.
One two...
Artists! And where is our tub?
The pepelats?
The fuel is finished.
Because of you, pests.
Skripach! What are you doing?
Listen, leave me in peace,
My friend,
it's somebody's last breath,
a grave...
You said you were 'second class'.
He's a braggart!
You won by reading my thoughts.
If you had a brain,
you'd be studying in MGIMO,
And not here pissing everybody off.
Want to play again?
For your violin,
case and tooth stick...
And this!
Okay! From you the bandura, visator...
and the device you base your lives on, Mr Uef.
Let's do it!
Uncle Vova...
You need to screw the tsapa in.
Alright - you do it!
I'm not allowed, I'm a chatlanian.
Sod off!
When it comes to advice,
you're all Chatlanians,
When it comes to work, though...
You purposely thought bad moves for me!
Use your own brain for the game!
How can he use his own brain,
When he's just seen these dolls
for the first time?
That's not my problem.
Give me my winnings.
Yeah right!
Uef, did you ever see
such a mercenary little patsak?
Never. I told you
we don't need Skripach,
and here's the result.
Boss! ...
You said tsapa!
Is it true nobody sings
in cages on the Earth?
Mr Bee, on the Earth
we only have animals in cages.
Is an animal a Chatlanian?
I don't know. They act like it...
Is a nightingale a Patsak?
Why a Patsak?
You said it sings without a cage.
Well then he's a Patsak.
Ah! So you see, you have the same
open racism as here on Pluke.
Only the Patsaks have taken power,
not the Chatlanian,
Just like you and your friend the nightingale!
Let me...
You can have four gulps.
The water's for the youngster.
You owe us 6042 boxes now.
Skripach, make a note.
I already have.
Do you want some?
It's free.
What are you doing?
And me? And me? And me? And me?
I'll still give you ten boxes,
take some water for yourself...
God, Kin dza dza!
A ship!
It's not a ship. It's a fuel-station.
So we can refuel!
We can't! This one's automatic,
but with a woman attendant.
If we perform, she'll give us a discount,
Don't hesitate, Uncle Vova.
Come on, come on, my friend...
Come on...
If this was once sea,
why are there no sea shells?
On the Earth you still have sea?
We have sea, and rivers,
And honest people, Mr Uef.
Savages. You make me want to cry.
Mama, mama, what shall I do,
Mama, mama, how shall I live,
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
It's a pity my boss can't see me now,
He'd probably give me a raise.
Keep quiet, Uncle Vova.
She's watching us.
They took the woman out
and installed a machine.
So take enough for the money you have.
At least we'll fly some way!
You can't buy luts in parts.
Luts is ten chatls per load,
and we only have seven.
How far from here to the centre?
160 km.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls,
In the right shoe...
Oi, Chatlanian!
Can you take your right boot off for us?
You bastard!
All of you! Squat!
Why? They're not epsilops are they?
It's PJ with his Patsak.
If they find out that you didn't squat,
It's life in prison laying on nails.
Who's he?
You see that?
Yeah, it's a hologram, my friend.
The violin!
Quiet! Stand still!
And you say koo.
It's not a balloon, you idiot!
It's the last breath of Mr PJ.
How could one person breath
so much just before he died?
Don't blaspheme. PJ is alive!
And I am happy.
I'm happier still.
Like this.
Come on, get inside.
Is there a normal entrance
to this supermarket?
Normal entrance you have to pay chatls for,
my friend.
Get on with it!
Go away.
Skripach! Patsaks go there!
What are they doing?
This is the fourth pump of Mr PJ.
I love PJ very much.
I 'koo' him even more!
And here they make water from fuel.
What are they shouting?
Sell what?
Sell everything.
So we'll take a gravitsapa!
Gravitsapas are another department.
First we need to find out
the Tenture of the Earth.
Yellow Trousers...two times 'koo'.
Think! What's the diameter
of you planet's orbit?
I don't remember... Skripach do you know?
No, we don't need Skripach. You!
All right.
The specific gravity of the core
of your planet. Think.
Specific gravity? No, I can't remember...
I see.
The names of the planets in your galaxy.
Which ones do you know? Think.
Jupiter, Mars, Venus...
There was a crystal display!
Where is the crystal display?
Skripach! Put it back in its place!
I thought as it was lying there... was a piece of glass...
Stupid idiot.
Enough. Stop your brains squeeking, fool.
Here's the number of your planet:
013 in the tenture.
On the left of the Great Bear.
Do you want to talk with the Earth?
It'll cost you another chatl.
I don't understand?..
Think of your own telephone number!
And ask them about matches.
...Hallo! Hallo! Can you hear me?
speak here...
Hallo! I'm listening, go ahead!
Speak! It's timed!
Hallo! Lucy!
Can you hear me? It's me!
Vova, where are you?
Well, I'm here...How are you?
How's Cyril?
Where are you, Vo...
Where are you, Vova?
I'm here, in some place,
I'll explain everything later.
How's mum feeling?
Have you been to see her?
I have been... I asked you where you were!
Listen, wife of Patsak! Stop pissing about!
Run and buy two boxes of matches!
Or else you'll never be together!
Sod off!.. Lucy! Lucy...
Lucy. My darling...
Take the phone, right now,
and ring Victor Manohin...
...tell him that the keys for the plumbing store
are in my portacabin,
under the thingy...under the cupboard.
Lying on the floor.
Did you get all that?
Yes, I got it...
Put me through to Batumi, 3-47-57, please.
Tell them to fetch Alec.
No, I won't. Piss off you bloody theif.
Is something wrong?
It's alright, only the Earth is so far way.
Instead of five, the gravitsapa needs
seven minutes to warm up.
So let's go and get the tsapa ready
for the gravitsapa.
Astronauts! Which is the tsapa here?
This rusty nail, my friend.
Yeah! Everything here's rusty!
And that's the most rusty.
Are you quite crazy?
Oh, mama-mama.
Lucy and Manohin moved, and we need...
Uncle Vova!
The match is in his cap!
Strange, that they should fly off now.
Why strange? They've got a match,
can buy a gravitsapa,
and know the Tenture of the Earth!
Comrade Etsilop! Comrade Etsilop!
They've stolen our things!
Arrest them!
Arrest them!
Forty Chatls.
We've no chatls.
Everything is with the tour guide.
And the violin they took is somebody else's.
And when they were
in front of the video of PJ,
They didn't say Koo!
Why are you staring at me?
Why are you staring at me?
If your bosses find out that you knew
of this and did nothing,
You'll be bloody trankluted! Get it?
I didn't do nothing!
I pressed the button straight away!
Skripach is a witness.
All guards!
Bring a wheeled prison tub, here
There's nothing in it.
Open it.
Show me.
It's vinegar.
It's none of your business.
The Patsak will be tranklukated,
The Chatlanian will spend his life
in a tub lying on nails.
Oh, brothers, brothers. Fellow Patsaks.
Tell the truth, how I squatted.
How the Chatlanian pressed the take off button.
Shut the fuck up!
Uncle Vova, please...
Shut up! Parasite!
Shut up yourself!
Vova, friend! Gedevan Alexanich!
Don't listen to him!
Tell them that it was him!
He didn't squat!
And I'll give the pepelats to you.
Uncle Vova! The pepelats is mine! Mine!
Quiet! Calm down!
...Let me think.
Nobody insulted anyone...
They all squatted, like monkeys.
I was confused.
And I brought the Ktse.
What Ktse?
The match, which you took out...
from the hat.
There wasn't a match. There wasn't.
Uncle Vova, what's the matter with you?
Forgive me, I forgot. There was no match.
Life imprisonment for both
in a tub without nails.
As to the fine.
500 chatls, 250 per place.
Thank you!
Patsak! Glue the violin
and sing the song!
Skripach! You work the bandura!
Friends! We were joking about the violin.
We were happy to reach you!
On the river, on the river, on yonder bank..
Earthman, hello!
I can assure you,
we will return to your planet.
Greetings from
Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov,
builder from Moscow,
and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi,
who are the first to set foot
on these villainous sands
established in this backyard.
Brother Patsak, flip again your cover.
You have some water there.
Well give me something for it.
Maybe sometime I can show you
one of those who knew me and is still living.
Ask him if I stole a match...
There! Looks like new!
There's still a little bit.
It happens...It will be...
High calorie?
Earthmen! How could it be so difficult?
I could hardly find you.
I got my memory back.
Here's your sock, thank you.
If you want, I can return you to the Earth.
I found out your number in the tenture.
Only hurry! For one second here
is half a year there.
Then I have a suggestion...
We transport to the Earth now,
Procure some matches,
Shoot back here and sell them,
Bail out our friends,
We go to Moscow, and you go home.
I can't. I've only three charges.
Well that's okay.
Enough times to go there
back here and home again.
And me?
Listen, friend...
Well work it out, yes or no,
I'll count to three... One... Two...
Wait a minute. Take my suggestion.
It's my fault they are in prison.
And my little son has already grown
an adult's beard!
Two and a half!
Two and a half!
I..I can't do it.
Oh! Who needs it all?
Tsak-schmak! It's all crap! And we...
Where did you get that from? Eh?
It was laying on a shelf in the planetarium...
Skripach! You kleptomaniac!
You brought us a gravitsapa!
Patsaks! Patsaks!
Why are you standing performing here?
You have to stand there.
The Etsilops won't allow us.
You can only kneel here.
So what if we're here...
You've still got to pay us.
Alright, come on...
Come on, obey the rules.
Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming,
and my hat.
How are things?
Anything new happened...on Pluke?
We seem to be out of voice today.
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I can't do any more...
Don't worry, Skripach.
How much is that?
One hundred.
Seems like we've sung enough.
And what's that there?
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn round!
Orders of Mr PJ - all Patsaks
to wear muzzles...
and be glad.
So, that's for me and that's for you.
And that's for you.
Why aren't you glad? I demand to know.
Pick up your own gun, Chatlanian.
Put them on, then...
I'm doing it...
I'm glad. Ho ho.
Oh look, PJ's coming!
Get up!
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Skripach, gag!
Turn round!
Give me the money!
Okay...Make sure they stay there,
like so...
And you can get rid of these!
If you think, that this idiot won't
tranklucate you,
it'll be the last though
in your Chatlanian head!
Use the shortest route... through
the atrium...arch!
Everyone lay down for half an hour!
Excuse me Grandma...
Mama PJ
Did you see it?
Everyone quickly the pool!
Open the door.
And stay there for 24 hours!
Do you Koo or not?
What number?
The last one.
Hey, Chatlanian! Sing!
Finish, Skripach...
Wheel out the last but one.
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Get out.
I can't.
They'll catch us.
We have a gravitsapa.
Cut it.
Right here.
Throw your weight on it!
Uncle Vova! Help me roll the tub out!
Leave it!
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Because of one stone from the moon
mankind wasted a thousand years,
and here's a living alien, and etsik...
made of an unknown metal.
Leave it, I said!
We have a tsapa.
Operate the tsapa!
It's working!
So are we flying?
Seems like it.
Brothers! Be quick! They're after us now!
Don't interfere.
She's landed.
And what's Hanut?
The planet I was born on.
And me.
It's always night here, now.
Time to put this on.
There's no bloody air.
So how do you live here?
Nobody's lived here for years.
The Pluke's trankluked it
while we were on an expedition.
Because we didn't have time
to do them first.
And why would you want to do them?
So that they weren't hanging over our heads.
And everybody perished?
Of course.
Vovka, I've a suggestion.
The planet Hanut is only worth kopeks now.
63 chatls.
We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy
for a month,
then the planet is ours.
And another month - we can buy air.
93 chatls.
There will be no air for anybody
who comes here...
The air will be ours.
They'll be crawling around,
and we'll be spitting on them.
For fun!
Where's the fun in that?
You're too young to know...
Half the planet's yours, half ours. Okay?
Tempting, of course...
But we need the Earth, guys.
We have to hurry. The supermarket closes
in half an hour.
Vovka, you don't ...
Just look.
We're here.
And there's the Earth.
And here's Alpha.
They make cactuses from us on Alpha.
Earth's in the anti-tenture, my friend.
And there's no way that we can reach it,
How's that so?
Just is. All my life I never went.
It's not possible for a pepelats to get to Earth.
Enough of this bollocks!
Is it clear?
Let's divide the planet up.
You found this out in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
...therefore you stole a match?
Of course.
They're lying, Uncle Vova.
Don't believe them.
Now, take us to the Earth, that's all!
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.
They'd crawl across the whole universe
for these matches...
Vovka! You shouldn't joke like that...
The oxygen here is two percent of normal.
Gedevan... You don't need this.
You're young, you live a long time.
Maybe things will change...
We don't need Skripach, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patsak!
I don't give a shit what you discard.
Tell the truth for once in your life.
Why didn't you go with that idiot
when you could?
What did you want?
Crimson Trousers? PJ's bathhouse?
Tell me!
Gedevan, you tell him.
Or I can.
I have a Georgian mother. Had.
She says she is a local Georgian. Was.
Uef! How would you like it
if I took them to Alpha.
And you, scabby Chatlanian, wear the tsak!
And sit down when you speak to a Patsak!
Hanut is the Patsak planet, my friend.
Repeat it again.
You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake
in its orbit, and then...
You won't be able to brake there.
Don't interrupt...
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they transfer us to the Earth,
we need to keep our fingers
on the transference machine
so that it stays with us.
On Earth we can buy you
four boxes of matches.
Go on, friend.
Well I could keep going on about
this and that.
Let's go.
If we can...
Because of you I'll be locked up
in a tub forever.
And you have shown your laziness,
once more.
Brothers! Dear, good, friend of mine...
So fly, even if the door is closed.
I can't stand looking at you any more,
it makes me sick.
Farewell, my friend.
let's go.
Brake! Brake! Brake!
How can I brake when you drank
all the brake fluid?
It's ruined.
Switch off your antlers!
They won't switch off.
Then take them off.
They're broken.
It seems to have landed.
Put on your gas mask.
Just like last time.
And the tsak?
No, we can do without it.
On the river, on the river,
on those banks...
No...not the Earth.
We're Patsaks from the planet Earth.
And you are...?
This is the planet Alpha.
Report your co-ordinates to the Decon,
and she will transfer you
to your point of departure.
Good luck!
The number of your planet,
if you'd be so good.
013 in the tenture.
Here it is...
Somewhere here straight ahead.
To the left of the Great Bear.
That's not necessary.
If you would, hold hands.
Woman, what are you going to do with these?
Into the small room of the hothouse.
Hold hands!
Do you really turn people into cactii?
Only out of Plukanians.
Oh, but they're not Plukanians.
They're Hanutians.
That is irrelevant. Please put on
the breathing masks.
Why, your air is really nice.
That is precisely why.
God, just look at her.
Ok, Gedevan. Calm down. Put it on.
In the name of the planet,
I'm asking you to let them go.
Who decides their fate?
Abrodox. But...
Take us to him.
Otherwise I'll take off my mask
and start breathing.
You shouldn't worry.
Our orangeries are very comfortable.
Blossoming micro-climate, serenety.
One could be jealous of it.
Then why are you running around
on the grass,
and not inside in a pot?
Please look where you are going,
you've already squashed three plants.
We have a big favour to ask you.
You can't continue. No.
Our misfortune is here
in the neighbourhood
of the galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza.
They are consumed with fury.
...and depravity.
To continue their lives
in the form of plants
would be a blessing for them.
And everyone else.
Can we send for them
and ask them what would be
a blessing for them and what not?
Well if we were to give them
the possibility to make
that decision, then...
Young lady, are you
the most intelligent one here?
Do you do as your told,
or what you decide yourself?
We can't waste time with this.
You are creatures of the anti-tenture,
and I must send you to your
point of departure.
Or return you in time, to the moment
when you made your fateful decision.
Excuse me. I don't understand. To what time?
The Pluke.
So it's like this... Alone on Earth.
Or together in the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I won't allow you on Pluke alone.
Listen, uncle, set it for the past.
What did it take, 15 minutes
to glue the violin?
15 minutes.
Brother Patsak is coming with the sock.
Let him transfer the etsik for us.
Do you know where it is?
I know.
Go on then, show us.
Let's give them something else to do.
Everyone rest for half an hour!
Thank you, my friend.
Play, play, peasants.
Skripach! Time!
Once again you haven't transfered, Bastards.
Again. Get out.
Bollocks. It's better for us here than on Alpha.
Come on, drag them out.
Quickly, bring us the transfer machine.
Vladimir Nikoleavich! You owe us
eleven thousand boxes,
as Skripach has noted.
Eleven thousand and twenty.
I have a suggestion. Vova! We'll transfer
with you to the Supermarket now,
and after you've bought them all...
There won't be any 'after'.
We can only go to the Earth.
Me on a planet where they don't even know
who should squat in front of whom?
Take the gravitsapa and do what you want.
Uncle Uef. Uncle Bee. You'll meet so much there...
No, Gedevan! When a society has
no coloured trousers to differentiate class,
then there is no goal. And if there is no goal...
Brothers. Enough philosophising.
He's already made his choice.
Now, decide.
With us or not?
Here's the gravitsapa, ok?
Give it to him.
No point.
Well, let's say goodbye...
I got used to you, you know.
Me too.
Well, take care.
Friends, Patsaks!
Here's your sock, thank you. If you want...
Friend! Which is your system?
Let me have a look.
An ordinary system.
Press the button and go home.
Hi - what's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory.
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you?
Have we enough macaroni?
How do I get to the Old Arbat?
That way, to the right.
Thank you.
Uncle Vova?
Uncle Vova!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
The End