King of Thieves (2018) Movie Script
(newsreel music)
Sparkling diamonds,
their value running into millions,
are giving Hatton Garden sleepless nights.
With London
now a world centre for diamonds,
jewel bandits
have made this city thoroughfare
their favourite target.
There have been widespread thefts
of precious stones
worth hundreds of thousands.
To foil the thieves,
Hatton Garden
now has its own giant strong room,
available to every jewel merchant
in the district.
THE SMALL FACES:
What'cha Gonna Do About It
I want you to know that I love you, baby
Want you to know that I care
I'm so happy when you're round me
But I'm sad when you're not there
Sing the song now
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Tell the truth
What'cha gonna do about it?
She's so nice
What'cha gonna do about it?
I want you to give me
your sweet, sweet kisses
Want you to hold me tight
I want you to come whenever I call you
And let me walk you home at night
What'cha gonna do about it?
Hey, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Please answer my question, baby
What'cha gonna do about it?
She's so nice
What'cha gonna do about it?
Sad when you're not there
Here they come again
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Cos I'm so crazy
What'cha gonna do about it?
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Cos I'm so crazy...
The problem with gold
is the effect it has on people.
Drives them crazy.
- I blame the Old Testament.
- (chuckles)
I've been stocktaking.
Rounding up the scraps,
putting them to good use.
I always find gold a bit vulgar.
Silver's more discreet.
Let me tell you something: over the years,
I have made more money out of gold
than all the great train robbers
put together.
I want you to stay out of mischief.
What have you got to prove?
You remember when we used to meet
at the Savoy?
Then we used to have dinner.
- On Jermyn Street at Wiltons.
- (chuckles)
Frederick's.
Le Gavroche. (chuckles)
All that green velvet.
Ooh, I've got an idea.
Why don't you have
a lovely glass of white wine?
Just for old times' sake.
Not for me.
Thank you.
I just want to keep fresh
for the hospital tomorrow.
That crme brle at Wiltons.
That was like losing my virginity.
(she chuckles)
I remember you losing your virginity.
- Like V-E Day.
- (he chuckles)
The Touch Of Your Lips
Thank you.
Ooh.
- That's marvellous.
- (chuckles)
Good.
Sorry.
I'll just be a moment.
All right?
(whistles and bangs)
Yeah. Now,
you see, Terry,
that, believe it or not,
is a Roman Candle.
Now, here we've got a load of
what's known as cakes.
This also includes Roman Candles.
Just say "fireworks, assorted, very loud".
- Why complicate it?
- It don't work like that no more, Terry.
Stuff used to fall off
the back of a lorry.
You could sell it on, no questions asked.
Nowadays everybody wants a guarantee.
Sell them on the internet.
Terry, I'm having no truck
with internet shopping.
How the fuck you supposed to fiddle
somebody over the fucking internet?
If you can't hold it in your hand,
it ain't worth nicking.
The trouble is, Terry,
I've got no security.
What have I got to fall back on
when I retire?
I haven't got a properjob like you have,
Terry.
Just do it, Terry!
It's really busy.
I don't have time for this.
We take the matter of outstanding debt
very seriously here.
- So...
- Yes.
I'm afraid if you can't guarantee you
don't have outstanding loans elsewhere
or you can't guarantee that you'll
pay us back, then I can't help.
Well, I can.
I can guarantee it.
What? That you'll pay it back
or you don't have outstanding loans?
Both.
Neither.
Were you in here last week?
No. No.
You look very familiar.
No, I can assure you, you don't know me.
You've already applied for an account and
we've turned you down. I remember you.
You know the trouble with people like you?
Tell me.
You're thieves.
- Really?
- Mm.
I'll show meself out.
Have a nice day.
TOM JONES:
What'cha Gonna Do
While you're running around bawling
Or playing at clubs every night
You ought to be home
with the one who loves you
You know the gal who treats you right
- (sighs)
Tell me, boys
I want you to tell me
Yes, yes, yes
What'cha gonna do
when your baby leaves you?
What'cha gonna do?
What'cha gonna do
when your baby leaves you?
- Good luck.
What'cha gonna do?
The firstjob I got arrested for
was a tin of peaches.
- I was 13.
- See?
Always food.
Yeah.
You feel so guilty
when the family finds out.
Nah, your old man was worse.
No, no, but it never goes, does it, Ken?
I mean, you grow up, you have kids,
so you feel guilty all over again.
You paid the bills, Brian.
You looked after everyone.
Yeah, look after yourself now.
Yeah, I gotta find a hobby.
Yeah, find something
you really like doing.
(they chuckle)
- A guilty pleasure.
- Yeah.
I heard a rumour they're closing down
the post office in Great Portland Street.
Lovely big bureau de change.
You wanna nip in there
while they're winding it all up.
- Catch them with their trousers down.
- Not that kind of hobby.
She told me to stay out of trouble.
Thank you...
The Agricultural Bank of China
in Pimlico.
Always fancied a crack at that.
If the Agricultural Bank of China
doesn't do it for you, nothing will.
Or Hatton Garden.
We haven't talked about that for a while.
Too many stairs for me at my age.
I'm retired.
We could always install a stair-lift.
That's a lovely vault, that.
Yeah, there's something terribly
reassuring about a nice vault.
Get some young blokes in.
Danny Jones is still sniffing around
for work. He's only 60.
Yeah, you can rely on Danny.
As straight as they come.
All right, mate.
Mind your back there, governor.
(clears his throat)
- (cries of surprise)
- Whoop!
What's he up to?
Where the fuck does he think he is,
the fucking circus?
I'll have a word with him, calm him down.
Has he no sense of occasion?
Here we go.
All right, Danny boy?
- Hello, Terence.
- Take him home.
Women like Danny.
He's a shagger.
Yeah, I had no truck with shaggers.
They can't keep their mouths shut.
- (woman laughs)
- (Danny laughs)
I'm so sorry, Brian.
Thank you, Basil.
Yeah, I only met her twice
but she left a lasting impression.
She did.
She certainly did.
Security Express, Shoreditch,
the biggest cash robbery
in the history of... cash robberies.
And d'you know how?
We used our brains. Psychological.
Doused them in petrol,
talked to them in Northern Irish accents.
They shit 'emselves
that you was gonna blow 'em up.
Kicked 'em in the biscuits, pointed a gun,
kicked 'em in the cobblers,
up the Aristotle.
- But we never fucking hurt them.
- No, we never.
- Have you finished?
- Yeah.
Stop talking shop.
She'll turn in her grave.
- You're right, Brian.
- Yeah, cheers.
Yeah.
(doorbell)
Fucking hell.
Hi, Brian.
Come in.
Have I caught you at a bad time?
Nah, I'm not doing anything.
Sweet Fanny Adams.
Certainly nice and quiet.
When somebody dies,
nothing prepares you
for the silence of an empty house.
I, I, I can't believe that she's never
ever gonna walk through the door again.
Ever.
- Brian, do you want me to mow the lawn?
- No, the mower's broke.
Oh. Built-in obsolescence.
You want a cup of tea?
Er...
- You got anything to drink?
- No, I'm on the water wagon.
I gave up alcohol when Lyn did.
She, she couldn't even get a strong drink
when she needed it.
Well, what about if you need it?
Well, I do as it happens.
Blues By Five
So, what's going on?
- Oh, this and that.
- This? And that?
At once?
Well, that sounds tiring.
I've been working.
Wiring, you know. Various things.
Working, wiring, various things.
I can hardly stand
the fucking excitement. (laughs)
Yeah, no, I...
I got into fibre optics,
telecommunications.
You haven't gone straight again,
have you?
I quite like working.
Quite good at it.
I nearly went straight once after
the Bond Streetjob went tits up.
I thought my time had come.
Quit while you were ahead.
I wasn't ahead.
That was the trouble.
If you'd have been in, I might have been.
There was a bit of talk at the funeral.
No, there wasn't.
- Not at that funeral.
- OK.
I haven't been to Hatton Garden
in 25 years, son.
- Not since the glory days.
- (chuckles)
Well, if you don't have a go,
somebody else will.
Turns out I know someone
who knows someone who has a key.
As it happens.
Someone in the business.
Now you tell me.
Yeah, well, I onlyjust thought of it.
Oh, get over it. You've been
wanting to tell me all evening.
That's why you offered to mow my lawn.
Why didn't you say so before?
I'm nervous about it.
So am I.
Tell me about this friend of yours.
The one with the key.
Her husband was in gold.
- He had an office in the building.
- Oh, yeah.
I used to sell him the odd thing
from time to time.
When he died, she asked me
if I could go into the office
and clear it out, you know.
Get rid of anything
that could be connected to her.
She trusted you with the key?
Yeah, she couldn't go in herself,
could she? It's too risky.
Risky?
Yeah, Brian.
There's a lot of crooks about.
Oh, yeah, they're all bent down here.
Part of the mystique.
- (whirring)
- Look, see this?
E, D, F, that's a pure diamond.
It's colourless,
so it lets in the most light.
Up there, X, Y, Z.
You cut that too shallow,
you lose the light out of the bottom.
You cut it too deep,
you lose the light out of the side.
FL, that's a flawless diamond.
A flawless diamond,
cut well, in the right light,
is the strangest thing
and the most beautiful thing
you will ever see.
It's true.
They'll be in the vault
over the weekend.
How much is a flawless
six-carat diamond worth?
A million quid to you.
How many of those are in the vault?
A few.
You only need a few.
One... three, nine.
What's wrong?
I'm just checking for wear on the pads.
You can work out the code
by identifying the most worn ones.
Oh, I see.
No.
Take your own time, son.
It's just a process of elimination.
No kidding.
- (double bleep)
- Yeah.
- Cor blimey.
- (alarm)
Right, that's the 60-second alarm.
There's another in the vault with
a GPS feed to a monitoring system.
Does she know the code?
No, I don't need the code.
It's a 20-year-old wireless, unencrypted.
- You know what that means?
- I don't as it happens.
Unauthenticated signals.
(alarm stops)
You know this lift
won't go down to the basement.
What? It's disabled?
Why would they do that?
Because the ride down
takes you to the airlock,
where you can
open the security gate.
Someone tried it, 20 years ago.
Which is why the security company
stopped it from going down.
But I got a better idea.
If we can stop this lift
on the third floor,
we can go down the shaft
and the vault is ours.
Its a 20-foot drop.
Don't sprain your ankle.
Well, how do we
get through the vault door?
We don't.
We go through a hole in the wall.
We drill as big a hole as possible
and we look for the most
undernourished thief we can find
and it's off to the races.
Are you counting?
Counting?
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be
counting the cameras?
Oh, yeah, five in the street.
Two here in the lobby,
two in the vault, two outside the vault.
One in the entrance and then
whatever's on the upper floors.
Fucking hell, what about my privacy?
We take the gear in through the back door.
It's Easter. They got two days
before they raise the alarm.
And we can get the fuck out in 48 hours
and fence the gems.
(dog barks)
Why are you smiling?
I'm just excited.
If you enjoy this fucking job,
you're not doing it properly.
All right.
You enjoy it.
Well, that's the point.
I'm allowed.
Things like this give me purpose.
BRIAN:
You know what, Carl?
Those lemon trees
are not gonna survive the winter.
That's a cheery thought.
I didn't know that.
You gotta wrap your lemons
against the cold, Carl.
Everybody knows that.
So what brings you out here, then, Brian?
Have you lost weight?
Just keeping fit sort of thing.
Can you lose some more?
What d'you mean?
Well, a few more inches off your arse
for a start.
- What?
- He said what?
Yeah, I'm sensitive about it
cos I'm getting older.
- It's harder the older you get.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm practically living
hand-to-mouth at the minute.
Yeah?
I'm on bleeding disability now, you know.
- What is it, your bowel?
- No, they reckon it's a nervous thing.
Yeah, well, nerves and bowels
go hand in hand, don't they?
See, I don't, like, want,
like, a lavish lifestyle.
- I don't have a lavish lifestyle.
- What are you talking about?
- You got a bungalow.
- I deserve a fucking bungalow at my age.
(phone rings)
(groans)
Hello, Tel.
We're gonna take the Pentonville Road.
- Pentonville?
- Pentonville.
All right, please yourself.
- Is Carl with ya?
- Yes, he is.
- How's his arse?
- I don't know, I'll ask him.
How's your arse?
My arse?
It's pretty relaxed as it goes.
He says his arse is relaxed.
What are you driving?
Not that fucking Mr Magoo football thing,
are you?
Oh, fuck off.
What?
He taking the piss
out of your motor again, is he?
"Mr Fucking Magoo. "
I had the Mini, the Grenada,
the Ford Escort,
the Morris Marina van
and the Astra Estate.
I was on the run for 17 years.
What does he expect, a fucking E-type?
(laughs)
JOHN MAYALL'S BLUESBREAKERS:
Steppin' Out
- Fucking state of that.
- It's a very nice motor, as it happens.
BRIAN:
Hatton Gardens.
Easter.
Commercial company.
No-one at home.
No weapons.
- No shooter?
- Well, that's a bit boring, innit?
It's not boring if you get caught.
It's 23 years for armed robbery.
Without a shooter, it's five.
Ain't a proper burglary if there's
no-one there, though, is it?
What are you... You like
seeing people shit their self, you lads?
- I like the buzz.
- Oh, there's monitored alarms
if you wanna shit yourself. My young
friend with the key will deal with that.
What's his story, Brian?
I mean, why's he wanna come in with us
if he's got his own set of keys?
He wants muscle.
Barking up the wrong tree here,
then, ain't he?
Yeah, well, I went after him
for the Bond Streetjob
and he got cold feet at the last minute.
- Well, he's no use to us, then, is he?
- He's all we've got.
I'm not waiting around
for a load of Albanians
to come across from the Dartford Gap.
Or Poles.
Poles?
I won't hear a word
said against the Poles.
You ever tried making a patio
without Poles in this country?
Can they get me a nice diamond bit
for my drill?
Someone on eBay'll have something.
Fuck off, eBay!
Don't even know how to get fucking eBay.
- You just get it up on your screen.
- I don't have it on my computer.
Course you got it. What you mean
you ain't got it on your computer?
I don't have the technology!
If you can find one, get one for us.
Stop fannying about.
Anybody'd think the whole world
revolved around the fucking internet.
OTHERS:
Well, it fucking does!
Well, come on, son.
Get lively. Mingle.
All right, son?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
I call him Basil Brush
cos he's a bit plummy.
Yeah.
He's a bloody good spark, though.
He rewired my whole house.
What's the matter with you?
Well, he, he doesn't like crowds.
- Don't he?
- No.
What's up, son? Got cold feet?
- Have you?
- What?
- Got cold feet.
- No.
- Good.
- You'll be all right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
He'll be all right.
Right, obviously this is Hatton Garden
here and here's the entrance.
We're gonna have an office
over here for lookout.
And that's where you'll be, Kenny.
- What's going on?
- 86 opens up at nine.
Danny, you're gonna go up
to the first floor, call the lift.
Right, that's where you'll disable...
That's the fuse box.
(clunk of car door)
This is inconspicuous.
Like a liquorice fucking allsort.
We could get a white van, like a gas man.
Nobody talks to a gas man.
(bleeping)
(bleep)
Come on.
Think I've done my knee pinging that door.
Put your ointment on it.
It's not that kind of ointment.
There you go, son.
The hole that we're gonna drill
is gonna be here.
Probably have to drill
three holes back to back.
Takes 30 minutes each one.
That's an hour and a half
of pure drilling.
Your body'll go through
but your fucking head won't.
Once we've drilled the holes,
all we're gonna see
is the backside of one of the cabinets.
BRIAN:
We've gotta ram and we can move it.
Come on.
Is that corned beef?
Yeah, and a Thermos.
How's your new hip going, Ken?
Ken?
Ken?
He's deaf as a post.
(bleep of signal)
(amplified):
Ken!
Your new hip, is it all right?
Oh, yeah, lovely.
Yeah, handsome.
What's that?
You type 2?
- What?
- Your diabetes.
- Are you type 2?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Type 2, yeah. You?
- Yeah, I'm type 2 too.
20 pills a day.
Three insulin injections
or I'm Andy Pandy.
- Straight up. I go all floppy.
- (laughs)
You should take
a couple of days' supply with ya.
I have to, or I'm a dead duck.
(whines)
(whines)
What have you done to your barnet?
I'm in disguise.
There's cameras everywhere.
(double bleep)
(alarm)
That's a proper fright wig, that is.
That's a proper "Uncle Fester
send-in-the-clowns, whoops-a-daisy,
have-an-away-day", that is.
(alarm stops)
You're not a fucking mod, are you?
(lift bell pings)
All ashore that's going ashore.
Here he is. Digital Boy Wonder.
- It's a nice little syrup you got there.
- No.
What are you, Sugar Plum Fairy?
Are you on the pull or something?
- Don't touch. I don't like being touched.
- I'll do whatever I like
and you'll enjoy it.
Bloody hell.
(bleep of signal)
That one, Brian.
Get chiselling.
All yours.
Here.
Why am I doing the dangerous bits?
You're the youngest.
All right?
Fuck me.
(groans)
Come on.
Easy, easy.
You've done this before, son.
All right?
OK, it's in, it's in, it's in.
All right, remember,
once the alarm goes,
we got 60 seconds
before the monitored feed kicks in.
If we don't get in there and stop it,
they'll be on to us.
Come on, then.
(alarm)
Well done, mate.
(alarm continues)
Fuck...
(alarm stops)
(thudding)
- (exhales)
- (chuckles)
All right.
Hello.
Basil.
(entry buzzer)
What's that little red light blinking for?
(alarm)
- (alarm continues)
- (he snores)
Is it going off now?
Yeah, I think it probably is somewhere,
yeah.
What do you propose to do about that?
Kenny?
Come in, Kenny.
(alarm continues)
Ken?
Kenny?
- (snoring)
- Kenny, there's an alarm.
I need you to respond appropriately.
(continues snoring)
(door opens)
Kenny! Wake up, you fucking wally.
We triggered an alarm.
What the fuck
d'you want me to do about it?
Just stay awake.
Right, well, just keep your eyes skinned.
And sort out your hearing aid.
Excuse me, are you a member?
Fucking am now.
There and there.
(alarm continues)
Now let it go, let it go.
Here we go.
That's it, I'll hold it.
(whirring)
BRIAN:
Water, Carl.
(alarm continues)
(alarm stops)
(coughs)
Trouble up at mill, lads.
Security. White Astra.
Uniform.
Definitely casing us.
Either he's responding to the alarm
or it's a coincidence
and he's just being nosy.
He's gone round the side.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't see him. I can't. He's...
Yeah, he's coming back. There he is.
Oh, he's...
Oh, I think he's trying to get in.
Fuck.
Hang on. He's not trying very hard.
Yeah. He's going.
He's going.
He's effed off.
- Yeah, lovely.
- (engine starts)
Thank Gawd for that.
That was a close one, chaps.
Carry on. Carry on working.
DAN:
(echoes): Terry...
Terence.
You all right, Tel?
(turns drill off)
- (exhales)
- You all right? All right?
Bit wobbly.
How you doing, Carl?
Get on there, Carl.
He's a bit...
- Oh.
- (whirring)
- (clatter)
- Oh, fuck me.
I saw it fall off.
On there, yeah, on there.
- Which one?
- Ow.
Put it over your, oh, cor blimey!
All right.
(burst of whirring)
Get out the fucking way, get out the way.
Get out the way.
Look, look, look. Look, gentle. Gentle.
All right? It ain't a fucking hammer.
I've got it, Tel. Yep.
Right.
- There you go.
BRIAN: That's the back of the cabinet.
- That's it.
- Look at that.
All right, let's knock this fucker down.
Give us the bracket.
All right.
Sort the space...
Looking good. Looking good!
There you go.
All right, Dan?
- We in?
- Yeah, that lot can go.
All right, here we go.
- Give it some.
- I am giving it some.
I don't think it's moving. That cabinet
must be bolted to the floor.
I think you're right.
You said it would move.
I never said it would move.
I said, you gotta move it.
Go on. Go on.
Ah, shit! Shit!
- Fuck me!
- (cackles)
- Oh, I don't believe it.
- All over my nuts.
Fuck me.
- What's it say on that?
- It's got to be perpendicular.
- That's got to be perpendicular?
- It is perpendicular.
- Got to be exactly...
- Perpendicular to what?
- The wall.
- It's got to be bang on.
It can't be slightly perpendicular
or vaguely perpendicular.
- You said you could do this.
- I said I could get through the hole.
- I didn't say anything about all this.
- Get through a hole?
- Is that the limit of your expertise?
- You get through the bleedin' hole, then!
That's destroyed. That's unfixable.
You have to get another one.
- I thought you could fix anything.
- Anything electrical. Anything but this.
- This and alarms.
- No, I deactivated the live alarm.
It was the GPS that confused me.
In this game, there's what you know
and what you don't know.
If you don't even fucking know what
you don't know, you know fuck all!
Well, that's great, innit?
- What are we gonna do now?
- Fuck it.
Stay here and I'll come back
in the morning with a new one.
I ain't staying down here all night
with you lot farting and snoring!
No, I ain't sleeping down here
with all this dust and shit.
Make a bed in the corner
out of old newspapers and stuff.
Bed in the corner?
What am I, an Aborigine?
I'll make you a nice little bed
in the corner, Terry,
tuck you up good and proper.
Yeah, Dan, you tuck me up.
I'll enjoy that.
It's like waiting
for a fucking egg to boil.
- Who got you this job, your caseworker?
- Piss off.
I did. And you know it.
You're a piss-poorjudge of character,
ain't you, Brian?
"Oh, I'm so rotten, I'm a piss-poor
judge of character. "
Didn't your Lyn never teach you nothing?
Leave her out of it.
I can't believe she stayed with you.
What's the matter with you, Terry?
Still bitter?
Still got an axe to grind
after all these years?
If I had an axe to grind, Brian,
you'd be the first to know about it.
Don't try and bully me, son.
I know how to treat bullies.
I'll have you in fucking chunks.
Come on, then.
Have a chunk.
You can tuck me up while you're about it.
Whoa, whoa, turn it in.
We're supposed to be working. Stop puffing
your chests out and take it seriously.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Fuck off, Basil.
Yeah, fuck off, son. Leave it to me.
- (bleep of signal)
KEN: Everything tickety-boo down there?
Dig a grave.
They're fucking killing me.
BRIAN:
We're coming back tonight.
RADIO: Good morning and welcome to
a special Easter edition of the show...
KEN:
Special Easter edition.
It's all right for some.
DAN: Yeah, some of us
have to work for a living.
(groans) Desperate for a piss.
(humming)
(continues humming)
(trickling)
Fuck off!
Fucking hell.
Er, Brian, yeah.
Well, this is Milly's brother Billy.
Milly's brother Billy?
Fuck off.
Billy Lincoln.
Billy the Fish.
Billy the bloody Fish?
What kind of name's that?
Well, he works at
Billingsgate Fish Market.
He's brung you a present.
See, he's a fence.
Well, he was gonna help us out
moving the goods.
Not today he ain't.
Well, I thought we could use
an extra pair of hands.
How much does he know?
And what about the others?
I was gonna tell them gradual.
Gradual?
You wanna tell Terry Perkins "gradual"
and see what he makes of it?
Eh?
This'll put the kibosh on everything.
And you, you tell a single soul about this
and I'll cut your balls off.
That makes no difference to me.
You fat cunt.
I'm out and I'm not coming back.
- (front door slams)
- Nice bloke.
KEN:
Yeah, that's right, Danny.
He says he's out
and he's not coming back.
Hold on.
Reader's lost his arsehole.
Fuck's sake.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Listen, Ken,
let me talk to Terry, all right?
(sighs)
I ain't being funny,
and I don't mean to be rude.
But fuck Brian and fuck his old woman,
God bless her.
I'm not doing this for them,
I'm doing it for me.
He did fuck all down there last night.
And I ain't in the business of
encouraging some old man's vanity.
Do you think he's frit?
Well, in our world
you either stay or you go.
You don't spend all day pissing on
like a leaky colostomy bag, do you?
It's pure cowardice.
He don't wanna help his friends, Dan,
that's his problem.
No, that's the point, Terry.
He ain't got no friends.
TERRY:
All he did was put it together.
Yeah, well, technically he put it
together. Morally he fucked it up again.
Where's Basil in all this?
Taking off his make-up?
What, you think he's a poof?
He sounds like one.
Nah, I just think he talks proper.
He's probably from West London.
You know what they're like.
(van drives off)
- Some fucker's locked it!
- There might be someone in there.
If this is a fit-up,
I'm gonna do my canister.
I'll lose my loaf,
I'm fucking telling you now.
Where the fuck is Basil?
Everyone thinks you've lost your nerve.
Crooks are like boxers.
They lose their legs first.
Then they lose their reflexes.
Then they lose their friends.
Yeah.
It's just that...
.. that hole's there.
Take my advice, son.
Run for your fucking life.
I don't think I can.
Hold up one minute.
Where's my phone?
He won't answer that.
He reckons it's all traceable.
- (ringing tone)
- Can't trace it till Tuesday.
- Why's that?
- It's Easter weekend.
Don't work Easter.
What are you talking about?
They staff it from Bangalore.
It ain't Easter out there, is it?
- Could be Easter there.
- It's fucking India.
It's Easter everywhere, isn't it?
He ain't answering. What you wanna do?
You tell me what to do.
What to look for.
I'll give you 50%.
Of anything I get.
All right, son.
50% it is.
These boxes are the traders
I have done business with.
And that's where
you'll find the best stuff.
- Fucking hell.
- Yeah, fucking hell.
I'm starting to panic now.
I'm really starting to go.
I'm so keyed up,
I'll go fucking ping in a minute.
We're all keyed up, Carl.
We're burglars.
Yeah, but I got problems.
I've got my mum to think about.
She's got bleeding Alzheimer's.
Kenny and Brian are practically dead.
You don't hear them fucking complaining.
You know what your problem is, don't you?
You give it too much of that.
You're a chatterbox, a blabbermouth.
Are you saying I talk too much?
Listen, if you're too scared to stay,
just go.
Don't make a meal of it.
Don't piss down my leg.
Bowels or no bowels, son,
if you wanna go, fuck off.
BRIAN:
Now, remember this.
Anything with an FL is flawless.
Anything with a red dot is dross.
- Are we gonna be able to shift all this?
- We're gonna meet my fence in Margate,
then we're gonna get on a ferry at Dover
and get the fuck out of here.
Oh.
We have to leave the country?
Well, if you carry this off,
every scumbag, chiseller
and ne'er-do-well,
whoever used that vault,
is gonna wanna kill you.
With a spoon.
What sort of time d'you call this,
you cunt?
Where you been? Doing your hair?
What happened to Carl?
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That's it.
Now.
There. There you go.
Fuck me.
Go on, son.
OK, up we go.
Get me in, get me in.
- Go on.
- Fucking hell.
Go on! You're doing well.
- Here we go.
- Oi, turn me, turn me.
Fuck me sideways.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
- All right?
- That's it. Go on, son.
Well done, mate.
All right?
Don't eat anything while you're in there,
will ya?
(cackles)
That's it.
Readies, Tel?
You ready?
Start loading it, Tel.
Readies. That's one for Mum.
Don't believe these.
Gonna buy a nice little place in Portugal.
Eat a lot of fish.
In the season, rent it out,
charge a monkey a week.
Seven grand a year.
That's my pension, thank you very much.
That's my nest egg.
How's it going?
Bit more coming.
Readies!
Danny.
Do you think he's dead?
Oi.
- Let's go, leave him to pay.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
Let me tell you something about
the Governor.
The master safe cracker.
The master criminal.
The king of thieves.
He's lost his arsehole.
Lost his arsehole. Exactly.
Carl lost his arsehole an' all.
Yeah, well,
that's two lost arseholes right there.
Well, there you go.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Arseholes.
See?
I don't care about Carl.
Carl's a mushroom,
Carl likes it in the dark.
If fucking Reader had have been there,
we'd have been cake-o bake-o.
You're right, Dan.
He's cost us money when you think of it.
How much has he cost us?
Work it out.
Well, work out the fucking VAT alone.
Yeah.
- I'm a better man than he ever was.
- Yeah.
I'm the fucking Guv now.
"I'll have you in chunks. "
(laughs)
(sirens)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
This is the Margate train.
Stopping at Stratford, Ebbsfleet,
Canterbury West,
and terminating at Margate.
They were obviously highly intelligent
with great strength and stamina.
A highly organised outfit.
- So not English in other words?
- Next?
The overall value of the haul
may never be known
but early reports put it
as high as 300 million pounds.
That would make it the biggest robbery
in British criminal history.
This is a very
highly sophisticated robbery.
Professional team. There aren't
that many about nowadays.
So it will narrow the field down
from the intelligence that the Flying
Squad will have back at Scotland Yard.
REPORTER: Is the crime a metaphor for the
decline of British ingenuity and skill?
Do we now need to import
not only our plumbers,
IT technicians, doctors, nurses
and footballers
but our criminals as well?
That's Albanians.
My own speculation is that
unless they're complete idiots,
the jewels must have
already left the country.
And I say this just because
the UK market's not big enough
to absorb such a vast quantity
of stolen gems.
They could never sell them.
REPORTER: Police have confirmed there
was a substantial amount of gold bullion
stored in the vault
along with hundreds of these brifkas.
One of these could be worth
as much as five million pounds.
Don't open them.
Look, the envelope tells you the value.
Oh, yeah, we'll count the envelopes
and divide 'em up equally.
Billy, he'll take the heavy stuff
away to store,
and when we've got somebody
to evaluate everything,
he'll bring it all back. Won't you, son?
Yes, all right, lads. I'll do that, yeah.
Yeah, good man.
BASIL:
Sorry.
What if I don't trust him
to bring it back?
Sorry, you might not have a choice, mate.
Sorry, but I haven't spent my life
robbing banks
to be left with no fucking choice.
Settle down, Terence.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Yeah, you're right, Ken. I mean,
all that rushing and bing-bonging about.
- I mean, it's not our style, is it, mate?
- (chuckles)
Not remotely, Daniel.
Not remotely.
Here you are, one for you, Ken.
One for Terry, one for me,
one for Terry, one for me.
Just a minute, it needs to be
an equal split, don't you think?
One for me.
- No.
- One for Terry.
Danny, it needs to be equal,
don't you think?
Yeah, look. I'll get you in a minute, son.
Don't worry about it.
- I mean, I'm just saying that we need...
- Me...
We need to work out exactly what's here
and then we need to divide it
exactly by five.
Absolutely, son.
When the dust settles, we'll get
round a smelter and do the gold.
No, no. I'm not talking about the gold,
Kenny. I'm talk...
all this.
I mean, look at it.
I mean, where do we even start?
How do we know what's here?
We hav...
No, hold on a second.
We have to get hold of Brian.
This was his idea. Technically
this is his intellectual property.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah. No, we need to get hold of Brian
and bring him back here,
give him his share.
Or give him your share. How's that sound?
(Dan laughs)
Well, that sounds like
a bit of a shafting.
I think you like a bit of a shafting,
don't you, son?
What?
- No.
- (laughs)
Why would I like that?
Well, you like wearing funny clothes.
Silly hats and fucking wigs. You do.
If dressing up's your thing, I don't mind.
- I don't mind.
- But if that's what you like,
why don't you take this fucking cheap,
nastyjewellery off our hands?
Put it in your dressing-up box,
find a use for it.
And leave the grown-up stuff with us.
Well, hold on a second. I got you in.
Now, I handled the keys and the alarms.
You wouldn't have been able to do
- any of this without me.
- You invited us.
No, look,
I was hired to facilitate a burglary.
A burglary?
- I don't think it was a burglary.
- No.
- I thought it was a party.
- Yeah.
A what d'you call it,
a rave, weren't it?
Yeah, a rave. You know,
you were there with the keys.
We turned up, livened things up a bit.
You know, if things went wrong,
well, that's down to you.
That's your responsibility.
You shouldn't have let us in
in the fucking first place.
Go on, off you go.
- Jog on.
- Go on, run along.
We'll give you a tinkle
when it's all divvied up.
(dog whines)
Steady on, old son. That's French oak.
Look, Terence,
he, he's got about
80 grand in front of him.
Give him his whack.
He'll forget about it by tomorrow.
He's right, Tel.
How's that sound, son?
Right, that's one for Terry,
and one for me.
No, no, no.
You'll get your drink
when you bring our things back.
Oh, yeah.
THE TURTLES:
Happy Together
Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
and hold her tight
So happy together
Here you are, Bill.
Oh, thank you very much.
And you say you belong to me
and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
so very fine
So happy together
(groans)
The problem with Brian is that he didn't
foresee what would happen to the loot.
Well, the prick didn't think about
fencing it, did he?
And now we're stuck with
Billy the bleeding Fish.
I bet you Kenny's given Billy the Fish
a nice little drink.
Well, there's fuck all
we can do about that.
If anyone's the weak link, it's Brian.
Brian and Kenny.
Yeah. Brian and Kenny.
And Billy.
Brian and Kenny and Billy.
And Carl.
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
for all my life...
Our problem is, too many people know.
And you know
how I feel about blabbermouths.
- You weren't even there, were ya?
- No, I was here digging me bulbs.
Put it away, Tel.
I nearly had a heart attack.
I feel like I've been run over by a bus.
That could be arranged.
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together...
The way I see it, Dan,
we're the only ones who ain't bent.
Well, you speak for yourself, Tel.
You know what I mean?
I mean, how can we know?
You could give me your word.
Well, I suppose I could.
Well, go on, then.
All right, Tel, all right.
Well, give me your word.
I give you my word.
Oh, fucking hell, say it like you mean it.
- You happy now?
- No.
So you don't trust me, Tel.
God bless ya.
(alarm clock)
BRIAN: You're telling me
that they stitched you up?
How much?
I got about 80 grand.
I had to beg for that.
- 80?
- Yeah.
Haven't you forgotten something?
You're supposed to split it with me.
You want half of 80 grand?
Yeah, go on, then, all right,
I'll put it in the post, shall I?
Just a minute.
Wish I hadn't come now.
Why did ya?
I don't know. Out of respect?
You didn't set aside a little something
for yourself, like a good, honest crook?
- Eh?
- No, don't do...
Face it, Brian.
All right, your legs went.
Your friends went
and you lost your arsehole.
Don't look at me like that.
Like what?
Like I'm old and you pity me.
I'm sorry if I let you down.
- Wait a minute, son.
- No, don't. Stop calling me that.
I'm not your son.
I'll walk with you, all right?
Come on.
Well, here we are.
Two run-of-the-mill thieves
in a shitty B&B
in a cruddy seaside town
bickering over crumbs.
Tell you what I think.
I think they don't know what they've got.
They don't know what it's worth,
how to fence it,
and they've no idea what to do about it.
Those fucking dingbats!
They've fucked this all up.
You know what this means?
This means that I am the only one
who will get nothing.
Still,
might as well be
hung for a sheep as a lamb.
What does that mean?
I want what is mine.
Yeah, so do I.
I want that tom
before it's returned to sender.
Run like the wind, you said.
- Eh? Know when to quit.
- Not now.
Look where it's got us.
- We've nothing to lose now.
- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
I am gonna get what is due to me.
Even if it fucking kills me!
(train whistle)
(taps keyboard)
You see,
what Brian doesn't comprehend, Billy,
is that I've actually saved our necks.
- It's all about the fence.
- Well, he says it himself,
getting rid of it, that's the hard part.
(chuckles) Delegating.
You see, Brian, he has to be the boss.
Has to be the Guv.
But he's lost his desire, Billy.
He doesn't have the heart no more.
- All the more for us.
- (chuckling)
I bet... I mean...
Sorry to say this, Billy, old fruit,
but you've hit the nail on the head there.
Well, I think so.
You're the Guv now.
Tell you what, Billy.
- I reckon I must be.
- Yeah.
- (bubbling)
- Ooh.
Better out than in.
(both laugh)
- There you go, son.
- Cheers, Dan.
Kenny.
He's a thick, wombat-headed old cunt.
Now, what's he up to, Tel?
He's devious.
Devious, yeah.
That's exactly what he is.
He's so fucking two-faced.
Yeah, he's two-faced.
I hate him, Dan. Drives me mad.
I fucking hate him too.
Hello, lads.
- Hello, Ken.
- Hello, Kenny, old son.
Yeah, who's getting them in?
Yeah, I'll get you a drink.
What you want?
Er, a drop of vodka.
- Double?
- Why not?
(click of camera)
What were you thinking, Ken?
Well, I wasn't thinking.
- You went behind our backs.
- Yeah, you did.
Talking to Billy.
Because Brian left us in the lurch, Terry.
He's a very selfish,
self-serving man is Brian.
I do not trust him one little bit.
Why don't you tell him
to his fucking face, then?
He'll take it coming from you.
I'm going to.
Don't you worry.
I'll have it out with him
the first fucking chance I get.
- All right?
- Yeah, all right.
D'you want a top-up, Ken?
No, I'm all right.
(front door shuts)
(mutters)
(hums)
Come on, sweetie.
It's not bedtime yet, Tallulah.
(dog whines)
(he continues humming)
Christ.
- Ooh. Fucking hell.
- Hello, Ken.
You're out late.
What're you sitting in the dark for,
Brian?
Frightened me to death.
I prefer the dark.
People are frightened in the dark.
Makes them wanna talk.
Brian.
- Brian.
- Yeah?
The last thing I want is to upset you,
old son.
We need you back in the fold.
I know you do.
Basil said you hadn't counted it yet.
And you believed him?
- What do you mean?
- Well, he got a drink.
He went through a hole.
And he got a drink.
He got a drink?
Yeah, he got a ton and he had gold.
Gold?
He never told me he had gold.
Yeah, Barney Rubble, that boy.
What about the rest of the stuff?
Well, you see, Brian,
I've lodged the heavy stuff with Billy,
just while the heat's on.
I warned you about Billy.
You did, Brian. You did.
But I've had it out with him.
I've told him it is nothing to do with him
and to keep his nose out of it.
What about the other stuff?
Yeah, well, he's very naughty is Terry.
Very, what's the word?
Very duplicitous.
So, we all took a bit to look after.
We're gonna bring it all back
and get round the smelter.
Danny and Terry, they're staunch?
Danny, good as gold.
Good as gold. But if only
I could say the same for Terry.
You see, he's so unpredictable, Brian.
I mean, he's a bit of a fucking old
psychopath is Terry, sometimes.
- If you're asking me.
- I go back a long way with Terry.
Which is why I think Danny,
he's probably the trouble-maker.
You know, if you're asking me.
I am fucking asking you.
I can only tell it like I see it.
Not as it is.
That's it. Look behind you.
And roll and...
Thanks, Grandpa.
Yeah, he's a very two-faced,
very weak man.
Now it suits him to stroll back in,
he don't care whose feelings he hurts.
Here we go, stretch those feet.
It does hurt my feelings
to hear all this, Ken,
to be honest with ya.
Cos when I was a lad, Brian
was someone I genuinely looked up to.
D'you know what I'm saying?
It's just so disappointing
when people stoop to backstabbing.
Well, he doesn't have the passion no more.
You and me, Terence,
we still have the passion.
Crime is about passion.
Hold on.
Is that Frankie the Fence?
Yeah, his daughter's in the class an' all.
I thought we could have a word
while we're here.
Just don't tell Brian.
Nah, he'll be ringing up next.
Wanting to meet us, see the loot.
- Mark my words.
- Yeah, not on your fucking life, son.
I won't even answer the phone.
That's it.
- Little steps.
- (mobile rings)
Hello, Frankie, how are ya?
Brian. Me old mucker.
It's time to open the fucking kimono, Ken.
Tell the others I wanna meet.
Tonight.
I'm gonna sort this mess out.
(bleep)
(bleep)
Try not to be distracted by a perfectly
ordinary woman with a biro.
And focus on the job in hand.
Now,
let's talk about Basil.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
How much did he really walk off with, eh?
Well, you know, like I said, Brian,
we gave him a drink.
You said gold.
How much really? Hm?
Danny?
What, you wanna know the exact amount?
He never said anything to me about gold.
Oh, and you believe him?
You trust him before you trust us?
Is that what you're fucking saying?
So, what's Billy got?
Oh, I'm having a fucking nightmare
with old Billy, Brian.
To be honest, he's proving
very difficult to work with.
Very difficult indeed.
What's the matter with him?
Well, half the trouble, Brian,
is that Billy is incontinent.
I'll be incontinent
if this goes on much longer.
If he gets pinched, he's gonna say he's
got disabilities and they might not look.
"It wasn't us, Officer.
We're not capable. "
Bunch of harmless old raspberries
in the rub-a-dub.
Who's gonna suspect us of being crooks?
All the other fucking crooks for starters.
We've stolen their pensions.
So that's how they see us, is it?
The Lavender Hill Mob?
A load of cuddly old crooks,
just having a laugh?
What are you gonna say in the dock?
"Oh, I've had two hip replacements.
I've got diabetes.
We were confused. "
You think they won't put you in jail
in case you suffer?
They want you to suffer.
- You should be proud of us.
- I'm not fucking proud.
You could have been famous, Brian.
I don't wanna be fucking famous.
Just get hold of Billy Lincoln.
When you've made the call,
get it all together,
we'll meet in my garage,
chop it up, get out.
Dinner's on me.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Here you go.
No problemo, Brian,
we'll just pop round your garage,
give you all our sparkly stuff
and you can add it to your collection.
It's disrespectful, Terence.
His oldest friends and he treats us
like fucking navvies.
He's getting a bit saucy, I'm telling ya.
He needs a fucking slap.
We're playing by my rules now, Danny boy.
Ken. Get hold of Billy.
We'll meet in the car park,
get the heavy stuff back.
Give him the arse,
tell him to fuck off proper,
and we'll get round the smelter.
- What, in the fucking car park?
- I'll show you where, Dan.
Don't worry your pretty little head.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Bring everything you've got.
We'll put it on the table.
And you, Ken.
Look at me, Ken.
Look at me, Ken.
No squirrelling it away for a rainy day,
eh?
Or you know what'll happen.
(mobile rings)
Hi, Brian.
I just treated
those old bastards to dinner.
And they told me
that you got your whack after all.
Well, they would say that,
wouldn't they?
What else didn't you tell me?
Why would I come all the way to Margate
if I was bullshitting you?
- Because you're greedy.
- They're lying, Brian.
I know they are,
and I also know that those boxes
I gave you were all opened.
I warned you what those crooks
would do if you pulled this off.
You better pray they find you
before I fucking do.
(Brian hangs up)
Excuse me.
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You danced and dreamed
through the night
It seemed to be right
just being with him
Now you must wake up
All dreams must end
Take off your make-up
The party's over
It's all over
My friend
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You danced and dreamed
through the night
It seemed to be right
just being with him
Now you must wake up
All dreams must end
Take off your make-up
The party's over
It's all over
My...
Friend
(cheering and applause)
- Have you been to Portugal, Grandpa?
- Oh, yeah, darling. I have.
Yeah, you'll love it.
- Oh, is that for me?
- Yeah.
Is that my birthday present?
It suits you, Grandpa.
You gonna be all right with the injections
and everything?
Got someone to do it in your bum?
Who can I get to do it in my bum?
- Kenny'll understand.
- Kenny's busy.
What's he up to?
Reckons he's done some silly burglary,
don't he? Over Easter or something.
Well, he's bored, ain't he?
At his age he's got nothing else to do.
Keeps trying to get me involved.
Mad bastard.
You keep away from that Kenneth. He's
up to something. He'll lead you astray.
Can I borrow your house while you're away?
What are you up to?
I'm your father.
I'll pay ya.
- Is that it?
- There you go. One smelter.
All right, Dan?
Well, seeing I'm the fucking Joey
on the firm.
Fuck's sake.
- There you go.
- Right, cheers.
Frankie, I wanna show you something.
Come here.
Have a look at that.
What's it say?
It says it's small,
yellow and highly flawed.
What's it worth?
Nah, nothing, mate.
Maybe come back
when you're serious, yeah?
Fuck.
Well, that's another fucker that knows.
You didn't tell him anything, did ya?
- What kind of arsehole d'you take me for?
- Just get in the fucking car and drive.
- Someone's tired.
- Fuck off.
TERRY: I blame Brian for all these
negative feelings I've been having.
Have you got negative feelings,
then, have you, Terence?
Oh, we all do, don't we?
The fear.
The paranoia and the loneliness and that.
Nah, he's insecure.
He's a very insecure,
undependable human being.
I'm not insecure myself.
But I do wonder why the whole
entire fucking world is our enemy
and against us all the fucking time.
Sometimes.
Oh, here he comes.
The dog's a better driver than he is.
Fuck me, it's Lewis Hamilton, ain't it?
Terry Perkins is a convicted armed robber
and a bit of a sadist
when he wants to be.
Collins has a slightly bigger brain
but he's had two hip replacements,
so he's not going anywhere in a hurry.
But be very careful of Danny Jones.
Previous for resisting arrest
and always happy to mix it up
unless he's completely outnumbered.
Hello, mate. (chuckles)
How are you? Let's have a drink, then.
There are CCTV cameras in pubs now, Billy.
Can't be too careful.
Look, there's one up there, innit?
Your eyesight's better than mine.
- Shit, yeah, let's get on with it.
- Right.
The real supremo is Brian Reader.
He may seem like a sad old man
but he's capable of severe nastiness
when he's cornered.
He's implicated
in the murder of a police officer.
He doesn't like us.
And we don't like him.
There you go.
Yeah, there you go. Right.
- All right, mate.
- See you, Billy.
I'm gonna have a pint in here, all right?
DAN:
It's the blind leading the deaf.
- Where's he going?
- He's going for a drink.
- And a piss.
- Not necessarily in that order.
(Dan laughs)
What a soppy old cunt.
Banging about in his nutty white jam jar
with that stupid poncey dog.
Yeah, you treacherous pair of slags.
I've got you by the cobblers now.
Surveillance is all over them.
Armed Response are ready.
I just need to catch them red-handed.
Yours feels a bit light.
So does yours.
How do I know you haven't switched 'em?
Taken all the good big ones out
and left the little yellow ones in?
How do I know you ain't?
Where the fuck's Kenny?
(clatters)
(whines)
(doorbell)
Here you are.
Took your fucking time, Ken.
Where the fuck you been?
I haven't had a piss since Sunday.
- Fucking old cunt!
- A bit fucking light.
Are they? Is this everything?
Where's all the big ones?
Where's the fucking big 'uns?
Where's the big 'uns?
- I reckon he's switched 'em.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, what a cheek. What a cheek.
And severe fucking badness.
Such unprof...
Unprofessionalism.
Fuck!
You fucking old thief.
You fucker. You fucker.
What's wrong?
This is Brian's doing.
He's made us all fucking paranoid.
That man, he's so...
He's so manipulative.
Let's have a look, shall we?
Have a look at the gold.
See what's left.
Yeah?
What you fucking done with it?
- (mobile rings)
- Er...
H- Hold on, Danny.
What the fucking fuck are you up to?
The place is crawling with cozzers.
- Oh, fuck. He saw us.
- What? You think we stitched you up?
No. I think
you were waiting for me to die.
- Put Terry on.
- Yeah, here you are.
Er, Terry. Terry.
I'll be under the sod soon enough.
You know that.
But I will be fucking waiting for you.
And I can wait, Terry.
You know I fucking can.
Fuck. Get...
- Go, go, go, go!
- Armed police!
Armed police! Stay where you are!
Don't move!
Stay where you are!
Stay where you are!
Armed police!
Put your hands up. Now! Now!
- Stay where you are.
- Stay still.
Clear! Clear! Move! Move! Come on.
- Get down.
- You fucking wanker, get down!
- Get down!
- Get down now!
- Turn around!
- Move! Come on!
Move! Move!
Don't even look at me.
- Don't move.
- You're done now, Jonesy.
Any chance of a cup of tea?
Armed police! Show me your hands!
Keep them in the air.
Walk slowly towards me.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention when questioned
something you later rely on in court.
Hands in front of you.
- Hang on.
- Hang on a minute.
Hey, take it easy, will you?
Oh, God.
I had nothing to do with this business,
you know?
(dog barks)
(barking and police radio)
(dog barks)
How old do you think I look, Ken?
I mean, because, you know,
I don't think I'm that old.
Well, I don't think I'm old.
No-one thinks they're old. Not even
old people think they're old.
The "old" business, it never works.
I mean, I've been trying it on for years.
Yeah, you're in trouble if it backfires,
though.
Yeah, when you're young,
they egg you on if you're bent.
When you're old, they resent ya.
The older you get, the more dangerous
you get as far as they're concerned.
I feel 23 inside.
You know, the thing that worries me
is that they...
- Think you're young?
- Nah, they think I've still got a future.
Well, that's the one thing
you don't wanna tell them.
That you've got a future.
None of us have got a future.
That's the point.
You just tell 'em you're dying.
Not far off.
(chuckles) I could work on my limp.
- I've got Crohn's disease.
- Yeah, you know,
there's diabetes, depression.
Personality disorder's always a good one.
Everybody, list your ailments.
Get certificates.
We want 'em to treat us gently.
No, you fucking don't.
- Why not?
- Because apart from anything else,
it's too fucking patronising.
- You ready?
- Yep.
Let's go.
What with all these fucking villains
running about,
best place for us now is in the boob.
No way.
At my age I'll do anything to avoid jail.
Well, at least you get
a decent cup of tea.
Yeah, at least you can relax,
you know, put your feet up.
See a doctor when you need one.
No, no, I can't go through all that again.
- My kids'll kill me.
- It's my mum I'm worried about.
- She ain't getting any younger.
- Yeah, well,
my Lyn'll be spinning in her grave
if I go back inside.
- I promised her.
- Never told us that.
Well, I never told anyone.
I'm supposed to be going straight.
Yeah, well, prison life gets easier
as you get older, you know.
Not so many urges.
- I don't care about prison life.
- (Dan chuckles)
It's the afterlife that worries me.
(they all laugh)
(they continue chuckling)
JAMIE CULLUM:
The Man
I know the score
Like the back of my hand
Them other boys
I don't give a damn
They kiss on the ring
I carry the crown
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
Don't need no advice
Cos I got a plan
I know the direction
The lay of the land
Cos I know the score
Like the back of my hand
Them other boys
I don't give a damn
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break
You can't break me down
I got gas in the tank
I got money in the bank
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
I got skin in the game
I got a household name
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
When it comes to Friday
I always earn
Don't try to teach me
I got nothing to learn
Cos, baby, I'm gifted
You see what I mean?
USDA certified lean
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break
You can't break me down
I got gas in the tank
I got money in the bank
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
I got skin in the game
I don't feel no pain
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
Yeah
I'm the man
Yeah
I'm the man
I'm the man
Woo-oo-oo-ooh
Sparkling diamonds,
their value running into millions,
are giving Hatton Garden sleepless nights.
With London
now a world centre for diamonds,
jewel bandits
have made this city thoroughfare
their favourite target.
There have been widespread thefts
of precious stones
worth hundreds of thousands.
To foil the thieves,
Hatton Garden
now has its own giant strong room,
available to every jewel merchant
in the district.
THE SMALL FACES:
What'cha Gonna Do About It
I want you to know that I love you, baby
Want you to know that I care
I'm so happy when you're round me
But I'm sad when you're not there
Sing the song now
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Tell the truth
What'cha gonna do about it?
She's so nice
What'cha gonna do about it?
I want you to give me
your sweet, sweet kisses
Want you to hold me tight
I want you to come whenever I call you
And let me walk you home at night
What'cha gonna do about it?
Hey, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Please answer my question, baby
What'cha gonna do about it?
She's so nice
What'cha gonna do about it?
Sad when you're not there
Here they come again
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Cos I'm so crazy
What'cha gonna do about it?
What'cha gonna do about it?
Oh, yeah
What'cha gonna do about it?
Cos I'm so crazy...
The problem with gold
is the effect it has on people.
Drives them crazy.
- I blame the Old Testament.
- (chuckles)
I've been stocktaking.
Rounding up the scraps,
putting them to good use.
I always find gold a bit vulgar.
Silver's more discreet.
Let me tell you something: over the years,
I have made more money out of gold
than all the great train robbers
put together.
I want you to stay out of mischief.
What have you got to prove?
You remember when we used to meet
at the Savoy?
Then we used to have dinner.
- On Jermyn Street at Wiltons.
- (chuckles)
Frederick's.
Le Gavroche. (chuckles)
All that green velvet.
Ooh, I've got an idea.
Why don't you have
a lovely glass of white wine?
Just for old times' sake.
Not for me.
Thank you.
I just want to keep fresh
for the hospital tomorrow.
That crme brle at Wiltons.
That was like losing my virginity.
(she chuckles)
I remember you losing your virginity.
- Like V-E Day.
- (he chuckles)
The Touch Of Your Lips
Thank you.
Ooh.
- That's marvellous.
- (chuckles)
Good.
Sorry.
I'll just be a moment.
All right?
(whistles and bangs)
Yeah. Now,
you see, Terry,
that, believe it or not,
is a Roman Candle.
Now, here we've got a load of
what's known as cakes.
This also includes Roman Candles.
Just say "fireworks, assorted, very loud".
- Why complicate it?
- It don't work like that no more, Terry.
Stuff used to fall off
the back of a lorry.
You could sell it on, no questions asked.
Nowadays everybody wants a guarantee.
Sell them on the internet.
Terry, I'm having no truck
with internet shopping.
How the fuck you supposed to fiddle
somebody over the fucking internet?
If you can't hold it in your hand,
it ain't worth nicking.
The trouble is, Terry,
I've got no security.
What have I got to fall back on
when I retire?
I haven't got a properjob like you have,
Terry.
Just do it, Terry!
It's really busy.
I don't have time for this.
We take the matter of outstanding debt
very seriously here.
- So...
- Yes.
I'm afraid if you can't guarantee you
don't have outstanding loans elsewhere
or you can't guarantee that you'll
pay us back, then I can't help.
Well, I can.
I can guarantee it.
What? That you'll pay it back
or you don't have outstanding loans?
Both.
Neither.
Were you in here last week?
No. No.
You look very familiar.
No, I can assure you, you don't know me.
You've already applied for an account and
we've turned you down. I remember you.
You know the trouble with people like you?
Tell me.
You're thieves.
- Really?
- Mm.
I'll show meself out.
Have a nice day.
TOM JONES:
What'cha Gonna Do
While you're running around bawling
Or playing at clubs every night
You ought to be home
with the one who loves you
You know the gal who treats you right
- (sighs)
Tell me, boys
I want you to tell me
Yes, yes, yes
What'cha gonna do
when your baby leaves you?
What'cha gonna do?
What'cha gonna do
when your baby leaves you?
- Good luck.
What'cha gonna do?
The firstjob I got arrested for
was a tin of peaches.
- I was 13.
- See?
Always food.
Yeah.
You feel so guilty
when the family finds out.
Nah, your old man was worse.
No, no, but it never goes, does it, Ken?
I mean, you grow up, you have kids,
so you feel guilty all over again.
You paid the bills, Brian.
You looked after everyone.
Yeah, look after yourself now.
Yeah, I gotta find a hobby.
Yeah, find something
you really like doing.
(they chuckle)
- A guilty pleasure.
- Yeah.
I heard a rumour they're closing down
the post office in Great Portland Street.
Lovely big bureau de change.
You wanna nip in there
while they're winding it all up.
- Catch them with their trousers down.
- Not that kind of hobby.
She told me to stay out of trouble.
Thank you...
The Agricultural Bank of China
in Pimlico.
Always fancied a crack at that.
If the Agricultural Bank of China
doesn't do it for you, nothing will.
Or Hatton Garden.
We haven't talked about that for a while.
Too many stairs for me at my age.
I'm retired.
We could always install a stair-lift.
That's a lovely vault, that.
Yeah, there's something terribly
reassuring about a nice vault.
Get some young blokes in.
Danny Jones is still sniffing around
for work. He's only 60.
Yeah, you can rely on Danny.
As straight as they come.
All right, mate.
Mind your back there, governor.
(clears his throat)
- (cries of surprise)
- Whoop!
What's he up to?
Where the fuck does he think he is,
the fucking circus?
I'll have a word with him, calm him down.
Has he no sense of occasion?
Here we go.
All right, Danny boy?
- Hello, Terence.
- Take him home.
Women like Danny.
He's a shagger.
Yeah, I had no truck with shaggers.
They can't keep their mouths shut.
- (woman laughs)
- (Danny laughs)
I'm so sorry, Brian.
Thank you, Basil.
Yeah, I only met her twice
but she left a lasting impression.
She did.
She certainly did.
Security Express, Shoreditch,
the biggest cash robbery
in the history of... cash robberies.
And d'you know how?
We used our brains. Psychological.
Doused them in petrol,
talked to them in Northern Irish accents.
They shit 'emselves
that you was gonna blow 'em up.
Kicked 'em in the biscuits, pointed a gun,
kicked 'em in the cobblers,
up the Aristotle.
- But we never fucking hurt them.
- No, we never.
- Have you finished?
- Yeah.
Stop talking shop.
She'll turn in her grave.
- You're right, Brian.
- Yeah, cheers.
Yeah.
(doorbell)
Fucking hell.
Hi, Brian.
Come in.
Have I caught you at a bad time?
Nah, I'm not doing anything.
Sweet Fanny Adams.
Certainly nice and quiet.
When somebody dies,
nothing prepares you
for the silence of an empty house.
I, I, I can't believe that she's never
ever gonna walk through the door again.
Ever.
- Brian, do you want me to mow the lawn?
- No, the mower's broke.
Oh. Built-in obsolescence.
You want a cup of tea?
Er...
- You got anything to drink?
- No, I'm on the water wagon.
I gave up alcohol when Lyn did.
She, she couldn't even get a strong drink
when she needed it.
Well, what about if you need it?
Well, I do as it happens.
Blues By Five
So, what's going on?
- Oh, this and that.
- This? And that?
At once?
Well, that sounds tiring.
I've been working.
Wiring, you know. Various things.
Working, wiring, various things.
I can hardly stand
the fucking excitement. (laughs)
Yeah, no, I...
I got into fibre optics,
telecommunications.
You haven't gone straight again,
have you?
I quite like working.
Quite good at it.
I nearly went straight once after
the Bond Streetjob went tits up.
I thought my time had come.
Quit while you were ahead.
I wasn't ahead.
That was the trouble.
If you'd have been in, I might have been.
There was a bit of talk at the funeral.
No, there wasn't.
- Not at that funeral.
- OK.
I haven't been to Hatton Garden
in 25 years, son.
- Not since the glory days.
- (chuckles)
Well, if you don't have a go,
somebody else will.
Turns out I know someone
who knows someone who has a key.
As it happens.
Someone in the business.
Now you tell me.
Yeah, well, I onlyjust thought of it.
Oh, get over it. You've been
wanting to tell me all evening.
That's why you offered to mow my lawn.
Why didn't you say so before?
I'm nervous about it.
So am I.
Tell me about this friend of yours.
The one with the key.
Her husband was in gold.
- He had an office in the building.
- Oh, yeah.
I used to sell him the odd thing
from time to time.
When he died, she asked me
if I could go into the office
and clear it out, you know.
Get rid of anything
that could be connected to her.
She trusted you with the key?
Yeah, she couldn't go in herself,
could she? It's too risky.
Risky?
Yeah, Brian.
There's a lot of crooks about.
Oh, yeah, they're all bent down here.
Part of the mystique.
- (whirring)
- Look, see this?
E, D, F, that's a pure diamond.
It's colourless,
so it lets in the most light.
Up there, X, Y, Z.
You cut that too shallow,
you lose the light out of the bottom.
You cut it too deep,
you lose the light out of the side.
FL, that's a flawless diamond.
A flawless diamond,
cut well, in the right light,
is the strangest thing
and the most beautiful thing
you will ever see.
It's true.
They'll be in the vault
over the weekend.
How much is a flawless
six-carat diamond worth?
A million quid to you.
How many of those are in the vault?
A few.
You only need a few.
One... three, nine.
What's wrong?
I'm just checking for wear on the pads.
You can work out the code
by identifying the most worn ones.
Oh, I see.
No.
Take your own time, son.
It's just a process of elimination.
No kidding.
- (double bleep)
- Yeah.
- Cor blimey.
- (alarm)
Right, that's the 60-second alarm.
There's another in the vault with
a GPS feed to a monitoring system.
Does she know the code?
No, I don't need the code.
It's a 20-year-old wireless, unencrypted.
- You know what that means?
- I don't as it happens.
Unauthenticated signals.
(alarm stops)
You know this lift
won't go down to the basement.
What? It's disabled?
Why would they do that?
Because the ride down
takes you to the airlock,
where you can
open the security gate.
Someone tried it, 20 years ago.
Which is why the security company
stopped it from going down.
But I got a better idea.
If we can stop this lift
on the third floor,
we can go down the shaft
and the vault is ours.
Its a 20-foot drop.
Don't sprain your ankle.
Well, how do we
get through the vault door?
We don't.
We go through a hole in the wall.
We drill as big a hole as possible
and we look for the most
undernourished thief we can find
and it's off to the races.
Are you counting?
Counting?
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be
counting the cameras?
Oh, yeah, five in the street.
Two here in the lobby,
two in the vault, two outside the vault.
One in the entrance and then
whatever's on the upper floors.
Fucking hell, what about my privacy?
We take the gear in through the back door.
It's Easter. They got two days
before they raise the alarm.
And we can get the fuck out in 48 hours
and fence the gems.
(dog barks)
Why are you smiling?
I'm just excited.
If you enjoy this fucking job,
you're not doing it properly.
All right.
You enjoy it.
Well, that's the point.
I'm allowed.
Things like this give me purpose.
BRIAN:
You know what, Carl?
Those lemon trees
are not gonna survive the winter.
That's a cheery thought.
I didn't know that.
You gotta wrap your lemons
against the cold, Carl.
Everybody knows that.
So what brings you out here, then, Brian?
Have you lost weight?
Just keeping fit sort of thing.
Can you lose some more?
What d'you mean?
Well, a few more inches off your arse
for a start.
- What?
- He said what?
Yeah, I'm sensitive about it
cos I'm getting older.
- It's harder the older you get.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm practically living
hand-to-mouth at the minute.
Yeah?
I'm on bleeding disability now, you know.
- What is it, your bowel?
- No, they reckon it's a nervous thing.
Yeah, well, nerves and bowels
go hand in hand, don't they?
See, I don't, like, want,
like, a lavish lifestyle.
- I don't have a lavish lifestyle.
- What are you talking about?
- You got a bungalow.
- I deserve a fucking bungalow at my age.
(phone rings)
(groans)
Hello, Tel.
We're gonna take the Pentonville Road.
- Pentonville?
- Pentonville.
All right, please yourself.
- Is Carl with ya?
- Yes, he is.
- How's his arse?
- I don't know, I'll ask him.
How's your arse?
My arse?
It's pretty relaxed as it goes.
He says his arse is relaxed.
What are you driving?
Not that fucking Mr Magoo football thing,
are you?
Oh, fuck off.
What?
He taking the piss
out of your motor again, is he?
"Mr Fucking Magoo. "
I had the Mini, the Grenada,
the Ford Escort,
the Morris Marina van
and the Astra Estate.
I was on the run for 17 years.
What does he expect, a fucking E-type?
(laughs)
JOHN MAYALL'S BLUESBREAKERS:
Steppin' Out
- Fucking state of that.
- It's a very nice motor, as it happens.
BRIAN:
Hatton Gardens.
Easter.
Commercial company.
No-one at home.
No weapons.
- No shooter?
- Well, that's a bit boring, innit?
It's not boring if you get caught.
It's 23 years for armed robbery.
Without a shooter, it's five.
Ain't a proper burglary if there's
no-one there, though, is it?
What are you... You like
seeing people shit their self, you lads?
- I like the buzz.
- Oh, there's monitored alarms
if you wanna shit yourself. My young
friend with the key will deal with that.
What's his story, Brian?
I mean, why's he wanna come in with us
if he's got his own set of keys?
He wants muscle.
Barking up the wrong tree here,
then, ain't he?
Yeah, well, I went after him
for the Bond Streetjob
and he got cold feet at the last minute.
- Well, he's no use to us, then, is he?
- He's all we've got.
I'm not waiting around
for a load of Albanians
to come across from the Dartford Gap.
Or Poles.
Poles?
I won't hear a word
said against the Poles.
You ever tried making a patio
without Poles in this country?
Can they get me a nice diamond bit
for my drill?
Someone on eBay'll have something.
Fuck off, eBay!
Don't even know how to get fucking eBay.
- You just get it up on your screen.
- I don't have it on my computer.
Course you got it. What you mean
you ain't got it on your computer?
I don't have the technology!
If you can find one, get one for us.
Stop fannying about.
Anybody'd think the whole world
revolved around the fucking internet.
OTHERS:
Well, it fucking does!
Well, come on, son.
Get lively. Mingle.
All right, son?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
I call him Basil Brush
cos he's a bit plummy.
Yeah.
He's a bloody good spark, though.
He rewired my whole house.
What's the matter with you?
Well, he, he doesn't like crowds.
- Don't he?
- No.
What's up, son? Got cold feet?
- Have you?
- What?
- Got cold feet.
- No.
- Good.
- You'll be all right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
He'll be all right.
Right, obviously this is Hatton Garden
here and here's the entrance.
We're gonna have an office
over here for lookout.
And that's where you'll be, Kenny.
- What's going on?
- 86 opens up at nine.
Danny, you're gonna go up
to the first floor, call the lift.
Right, that's where you'll disable...
That's the fuse box.
(clunk of car door)
This is inconspicuous.
Like a liquorice fucking allsort.
We could get a white van, like a gas man.
Nobody talks to a gas man.
(bleeping)
(bleep)
Come on.
Think I've done my knee pinging that door.
Put your ointment on it.
It's not that kind of ointment.
There you go, son.
The hole that we're gonna drill
is gonna be here.
Probably have to drill
three holes back to back.
Takes 30 minutes each one.
That's an hour and a half
of pure drilling.
Your body'll go through
but your fucking head won't.
Once we've drilled the holes,
all we're gonna see
is the backside of one of the cabinets.
BRIAN:
We've gotta ram and we can move it.
Come on.
Is that corned beef?
Yeah, and a Thermos.
How's your new hip going, Ken?
Ken?
Ken?
He's deaf as a post.
(bleep of signal)
(amplified):
Ken!
Your new hip, is it all right?
Oh, yeah, lovely.
Yeah, handsome.
What's that?
You type 2?
- What?
- Your diabetes.
- Are you type 2?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Type 2, yeah. You?
- Yeah, I'm type 2 too.
20 pills a day.
Three insulin injections
or I'm Andy Pandy.
- Straight up. I go all floppy.
- (laughs)
You should take
a couple of days' supply with ya.
I have to, or I'm a dead duck.
(whines)
(whines)
What have you done to your barnet?
I'm in disguise.
There's cameras everywhere.
(double bleep)
(alarm)
That's a proper fright wig, that is.
That's a proper "Uncle Fester
send-in-the-clowns, whoops-a-daisy,
have-an-away-day", that is.
(alarm stops)
You're not a fucking mod, are you?
(lift bell pings)
All ashore that's going ashore.
Here he is. Digital Boy Wonder.
- It's a nice little syrup you got there.
- No.
What are you, Sugar Plum Fairy?
Are you on the pull or something?
- Don't touch. I don't like being touched.
- I'll do whatever I like
and you'll enjoy it.
Bloody hell.
(bleep of signal)
That one, Brian.
Get chiselling.
All yours.
Here.
Why am I doing the dangerous bits?
You're the youngest.
All right?
Fuck me.
(groans)
Come on.
Easy, easy.
You've done this before, son.
All right?
OK, it's in, it's in, it's in.
All right, remember,
once the alarm goes,
we got 60 seconds
before the monitored feed kicks in.
If we don't get in there and stop it,
they'll be on to us.
Come on, then.
(alarm)
Well done, mate.
(alarm continues)
Fuck...
(alarm stops)
(thudding)
- (exhales)
- (chuckles)
All right.
Hello.
Basil.
(entry buzzer)
What's that little red light blinking for?
(alarm)
- (alarm continues)
- (he snores)
Is it going off now?
Yeah, I think it probably is somewhere,
yeah.
What do you propose to do about that?
Kenny?
Come in, Kenny.
(alarm continues)
Ken?
Kenny?
- (snoring)
- Kenny, there's an alarm.
I need you to respond appropriately.
(continues snoring)
(door opens)
Kenny! Wake up, you fucking wally.
We triggered an alarm.
What the fuck
d'you want me to do about it?
Just stay awake.
Right, well, just keep your eyes skinned.
And sort out your hearing aid.
Excuse me, are you a member?
Fucking am now.
There and there.
(alarm continues)
Now let it go, let it go.
Here we go.
That's it, I'll hold it.
(whirring)
BRIAN:
Water, Carl.
(alarm continues)
(alarm stops)
(coughs)
Trouble up at mill, lads.
Security. White Astra.
Uniform.
Definitely casing us.
Either he's responding to the alarm
or it's a coincidence
and he's just being nosy.
He's gone round the side.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't see him. I can't. He's...
Yeah, he's coming back. There he is.
Oh, he's...
Oh, I think he's trying to get in.
Fuck.
Hang on. He's not trying very hard.
Yeah. He's going.
He's going.
He's effed off.
- Yeah, lovely.
- (engine starts)
Thank Gawd for that.
That was a close one, chaps.
Carry on. Carry on working.
DAN:
(echoes): Terry...
Terence.
You all right, Tel?
(turns drill off)
- (exhales)
- You all right? All right?
Bit wobbly.
How you doing, Carl?
Get on there, Carl.
He's a bit...
- Oh.
- (whirring)
- (clatter)
- Oh, fuck me.
I saw it fall off.
On there, yeah, on there.
- Which one?
- Ow.
Put it over your, oh, cor blimey!
All right.
(burst of whirring)
Get out the fucking way, get out the way.
Get out the way.
Look, look, look. Look, gentle. Gentle.
All right? It ain't a fucking hammer.
I've got it, Tel. Yep.
Right.
- There you go.
BRIAN: That's the back of the cabinet.
- That's it.
- Look at that.
All right, let's knock this fucker down.
Give us the bracket.
All right.
Sort the space...
Looking good. Looking good!
There you go.
All right, Dan?
- We in?
- Yeah, that lot can go.
All right, here we go.
- Give it some.
- I am giving it some.
I don't think it's moving. That cabinet
must be bolted to the floor.
I think you're right.
You said it would move.
I never said it would move.
I said, you gotta move it.
Go on. Go on.
Ah, shit! Shit!
- Fuck me!
- (cackles)
- Oh, I don't believe it.
- All over my nuts.
Fuck me.
- What's it say on that?
- It's got to be perpendicular.
- That's got to be perpendicular?
- It is perpendicular.
- Got to be exactly...
- Perpendicular to what?
- The wall.
- It's got to be bang on.
It can't be slightly perpendicular
or vaguely perpendicular.
- You said you could do this.
- I said I could get through the hole.
- I didn't say anything about all this.
- Get through a hole?
- Is that the limit of your expertise?
- You get through the bleedin' hole, then!
That's destroyed. That's unfixable.
You have to get another one.
- I thought you could fix anything.
- Anything electrical. Anything but this.
- This and alarms.
- No, I deactivated the live alarm.
It was the GPS that confused me.
In this game, there's what you know
and what you don't know.
If you don't even fucking know what
you don't know, you know fuck all!
Well, that's great, innit?
- What are we gonna do now?
- Fuck it.
Stay here and I'll come back
in the morning with a new one.
I ain't staying down here all night
with you lot farting and snoring!
No, I ain't sleeping down here
with all this dust and shit.
Make a bed in the corner
out of old newspapers and stuff.
Bed in the corner?
What am I, an Aborigine?
I'll make you a nice little bed
in the corner, Terry,
tuck you up good and proper.
Yeah, Dan, you tuck me up.
I'll enjoy that.
It's like waiting
for a fucking egg to boil.
- Who got you this job, your caseworker?
- Piss off.
I did. And you know it.
You're a piss-poorjudge of character,
ain't you, Brian?
"Oh, I'm so rotten, I'm a piss-poor
judge of character. "
Didn't your Lyn never teach you nothing?
Leave her out of it.
I can't believe she stayed with you.
What's the matter with you, Terry?
Still bitter?
Still got an axe to grind
after all these years?
If I had an axe to grind, Brian,
you'd be the first to know about it.
Don't try and bully me, son.
I know how to treat bullies.
I'll have you in fucking chunks.
Come on, then.
Have a chunk.
You can tuck me up while you're about it.
Whoa, whoa, turn it in.
We're supposed to be working. Stop puffing
your chests out and take it seriously.
- What the fuck is going on?
- Fuck off, Basil.
Yeah, fuck off, son. Leave it to me.
- (bleep of signal)
KEN: Everything tickety-boo down there?
Dig a grave.
They're fucking killing me.
BRIAN:
We're coming back tonight.
RADIO: Good morning and welcome to
a special Easter edition of the show...
KEN:
Special Easter edition.
It's all right for some.
DAN: Yeah, some of us
have to work for a living.
(groans) Desperate for a piss.
(humming)
(continues humming)
(trickling)
Fuck off!
Fucking hell.
Er, Brian, yeah.
Well, this is Milly's brother Billy.
Milly's brother Billy?
Fuck off.
Billy Lincoln.
Billy the Fish.
Billy the bloody Fish?
What kind of name's that?
Well, he works at
Billingsgate Fish Market.
He's brung you a present.
See, he's a fence.
Well, he was gonna help us out
moving the goods.
Not today he ain't.
Well, I thought we could use
an extra pair of hands.
How much does he know?
And what about the others?
I was gonna tell them gradual.
Gradual?
You wanna tell Terry Perkins "gradual"
and see what he makes of it?
Eh?
This'll put the kibosh on everything.
And you, you tell a single soul about this
and I'll cut your balls off.
That makes no difference to me.
You fat cunt.
I'm out and I'm not coming back.
- (front door slams)
- Nice bloke.
KEN:
Yeah, that's right, Danny.
He says he's out
and he's not coming back.
Hold on.
Reader's lost his arsehole.
Fuck's sake.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Listen, Ken,
let me talk to Terry, all right?
(sighs)
I ain't being funny,
and I don't mean to be rude.
But fuck Brian and fuck his old woman,
God bless her.
I'm not doing this for them,
I'm doing it for me.
He did fuck all down there last night.
And I ain't in the business of
encouraging some old man's vanity.
Do you think he's frit?
Well, in our world
you either stay or you go.
You don't spend all day pissing on
like a leaky colostomy bag, do you?
It's pure cowardice.
He don't wanna help his friends, Dan,
that's his problem.
No, that's the point, Terry.
He ain't got no friends.
TERRY:
All he did was put it together.
Yeah, well, technically he put it
together. Morally he fucked it up again.
Where's Basil in all this?
Taking off his make-up?
What, you think he's a poof?
He sounds like one.
Nah, I just think he talks proper.
He's probably from West London.
You know what they're like.
(van drives off)
- Some fucker's locked it!
- There might be someone in there.
If this is a fit-up,
I'm gonna do my canister.
I'll lose my loaf,
I'm fucking telling you now.
Where the fuck is Basil?
Everyone thinks you've lost your nerve.
Crooks are like boxers.
They lose their legs first.
Then they lose their reflexes.
Then they lose their friends.
Yeah.
It's just that...
.. that hole's there.
Take my advice, son.
Run for your fucking life.
I don't think I can.
Hold up one minute.
Where's my phone?
He won't answer that.
He reckons it's all traceable.
- (ringing tone)
- Can't trace it till Tuesday.
- Why's that?
- It's Easter weekend.
Don't work Easter.
What are you talking about?
They staff it from Bangalore.
It ain't Easter out there, is it?
- Could be Easter there.
- It's fucking India.
It's Easter everywhere, isn't it?
He ain't answering. What you wanna do?
You tell me what to do.
What to look for.
I'll give you 50%.
Of anything I get.
All right, son.
50% it is.
These boxes are the traders
I have done business with.
And that's where
you'll find the best stuff.
- Fucking hell.
- Yeah, fucking hell.
I'm starting to panic now.
I'm really starting to go.
I'm so keyed up,
I'll go fucking ping in a minute.
We're all keyed up, Carl.
We're burglars.
Yeah, but I got problems.
I've got my mum to think about.
She's got bleeding Alzheimer's.
Kenny and Brian are practically dead.
You don't hear them fucking complaining.
You know what your problem is, don't you?
You give it too much of that.
You're a chatterbox, a blabbermouth.
Are you saying I talk too much?
Listen, if you're too scared to stay,
just go.
Don't make a meal of it.
Don't piss down my leg.
Bowels or no bowels, son,
if you wanna go, fuck off.
BRIAN:
Now, remember this.
Anything with an FL is flawless.
Anything with a red dot is dross.
- Are we gonna be able to shift all this?
- We're gonna meet my fence in Margate,
then we're gonna get on a ferry at Dover
and get the fuck out of here.
Oh.
We have to leave the country?
Well, if you carry this off,
every scumbag, chiseller
and ne'er-do-well,
whoever used that vault,
is gonna wanna kill you.
With a spoon.
What sort of time d'you call this,
you cunt?
Where you been? Doing your hair?
What happened to Carl?
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That's it.
Now.
There. There you go.
Fuck me.
Go on, son.
OK, up we go.
Get me in, get me in.
- Go on.
- Fucking hell.
Go on! You're doing well.
- Here we go.
- Oi, turn me, turn me.
Fuck me sideways.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
- All right?
- That's it. Go on, son.
Well done, mate.
All right?
Don't eat anything while you're in there,
will ya?
(cackles)
That's it.
Readies, Tel?
You ready?
Start loading it, Tel.
Readies. That's one for Mum.
Don't believe these.
Gonna buy a nice little place in Portugal.
Eat a lot of fish.
In the season, rent it out,
charge a monkey a week.
Seven grand a year.
That's my pension, thank you very much.
That's my nest egg.
How's it going?
Bit more coming.
Readies!
Danny.
Do you think he's dead?
Oi.
- Let's go, leave him to pay.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
Let me tell you something about
the Governor.
The master safe cracker.
The master criminal.
The king of thieves.
He's lost his arsehole.
Lost his arsehole. Exactly.
Carl lost his arsehole an' all.
Yeah, well,
that's two lost arseholes right there.
Well, there you go.
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Arseholes.
See?
I don't care about Carl.
Carl's a mushroom,
Carl likes it in the dark.
If fucking Reader had have been there,
we'd have been cake-o bake-o.
You're right, Dan.
He's cost us money when you think of it.
How much has he cost us?
Work it out.
Well, work out the fucking VAT alone.
Yeah.
- I'm a better man than he ever was.
- Yeah.
I'm the fucking Guv now.
"I'll have you in chunks. "
(laughs)
(sirens)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
This is the Margate train.
Stopping at Stratford, Ebbsfleet,
Canterbury West,
and terminating at Margate.
They were obviously highly intelligent
with great strength and stamina.
A highly organised outfit.
- So not English in other words?
- Next?
The overall value of the haul
may never be known
but early reports put it
as high as 300 million pounds.
That would make it the biggest robbery
in British criminal history.
This is a very
highly sophisticated robbery.
Professional team. There aren't
that many about nowadays.
So it will narrow the field down
from the intelligence that the Flying
Squad will have back at Scotland Yard.
REPORTER: Is the crime a metaphor for the
decline of British ingenuity and skill?
Do we now need to import
not only our plumbers,
IT technicians, doctors, nurses
and footballers
but our criminals as well?
That's Albanians.
My own speculation is that
unless they're complete idiots,
the jewels must have
already left the country.
And I say this just because
the UK market's not big enough
to absorb such a vast quantity
of stolen gems.
They could never sell them.
REPORTER: Police have confirmed there
was a substantial amount of gold bullion
stored in the vault
along with hundreds of these brifkas.
One of these could be worth
as much as five million pounds.
Don't open them.
Look, the envelope tells you the value.
Oh, yeah, we'll count the envelopes
and divide 'em up equally.
Billy, he'll take the heavy stuff
away to store,
and when we've got somebody
to evaluate everything,
he'll bring it all back. Won't you, son?
Yes, all right, lads. I'll do that, yeah.
Yeah, good man.
BASIL:
Sorry.
What if I don't trust him
to bring it back?
Sorry, you might not have a choice, mate.
Sorry, but I haven't spent my life
robbing banks
to be left with no fucking choice.
Settle down, Terence.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Yeah, you're right, Ken. I mean,
all that rushing and bing-bonging about.
- I mean, it's not our style, is it, mate?
- (chuckles)
Not remotely, Daniel.
Not remotely.
Here you are, one for you, Ken.
One for Terry, one for me,
one for Terry, one for me.
Just a minute, it needs to be
an equal split, don't you think?
One for me.
- No.
- One for Terry.
Danny, it needs to be equal,
don't you think?
Yeah, look. I'll get you in a minute, son.
Don't worry about it.
- I mean, I'm just saying that we need...
- Me...
We need to work out exactly what's here
and then we need to divide it
exactly by five.
Absolutely, son.
When the dust settles, we'll get
round a smelter and do the gold.
No, no. I'm not talking about the gold,
Kenny. I'm talk...
all this.
I mean, look at it.
I mean, where do we even start?
How do we know what's here?
We hav...
No, hold on a second.
We have to get hold of Brian.
This was his idea. Technically
this is his intellectual property.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah. No, we need to get hold of Brian
and bring him back here,
give him his share.
Or give him your share. How's that sound?
(Dan laughs)
Well, that sounds like
a bit of a shafting.
I think you like a bit of a shafting,
don't you, son?
What?
- No.
- (laughs)
Why would I like that?
Well, you like wearing funny clothes.
Silly hats and fucking wigs. You do.
If dressing up's your thing, I don't mind.
- I don't mind.
- But if that's what you like,
why don't you take this fucking cheap,
nastyjewellery off our hands?
Put it in your dressing-up box,
find a use for it.
And leave the grown-up stuff with us.
Well, hold on a second. I got you in.
Now, I handled the keys and the alarms.
You wouldn't have been able to do
- any of this without me.
- You invited us.
No, look,
I was hired to facilitate a burglary.
A burglary?
- I don't think it was a burglary.
- No.
- I thought it was a party.
- Yeah.
A what d'you call it,
a rave, weren't it?
Yeah, a rave. You know,
you were there with the keys.
We turned up, livened things up a bit.
You know, if things went wrong,
well, that's down to you.
That's your responsibility.
You shouldn't have let us in
in the fucking first place.
Go on, off you go.
- Jog on.
- Go on, run along.
We'll give you a tinkle
when it's all divvied up.
(dog whines)
Steady on, old son. That's French oak.
Look, Terence,
he, he's got about
80 grand in front of him.
Give him his whack.
He'll forget about it by tomorrow.
He's right, Tel.
How's that sound, son?
Right, that's one for Terry,
and one for me.
No, no, no.
You'll get your drink
when you bring our things back.
Oh, yeah.
THE TURTLES:
Happy Together
Imagine me and you
I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
To think about the girl you love
and hold her tight
So happy together
Here you are, Bill.
Oh, thank you very much.
And you say you belong to me
and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be
so very fine
So happy together
(groans)
The problem with Brian is that he didn't
foresee what would happen to the loot.
Well, the prick didn't think about
fencing it, did he?
And now we're stuck with
Billy the bleeding Fish.
I bet you Kenny's given Billy the Fish
a nice little drink.
Well, there's fuck all
we can do about that.
If anyone's the weak link, it's Brian.
Brian and Kenny.
Yeah. Brian and Kenny.
And Billy.
Brian and Kenny and Billy.
And Carl.
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
for all my life...
Our problem is, too many people know.
And you know
how I feel about blabbermouths.
- You weren't even there, were ya?
- No, I was here digging me bulbs.
Put it away, Tel.
I nearly had a heart attack.
I feel like I've been run over by a bus.
That could be arranged.
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together...
The way I see it, Dan,
we're the only ones who ain't bent.
Well, you speak for yourself, Tel.
You know what I mean?
I mean, how can we know?
You could give me your word.
Well, I suppose I could.
Well, go on, then.
All right, Tel, all right.
Well, give me your word.
I give you my word.
Oh, fucking hell, say it like you mean it.
- You happy now?
- No.
So you don't trust me, Tel.
God bless ya.
(alarm clock)
BRIAN: You're telling me
that they stitched you up?
How much?
I got about 80 grand.
I had to beg for that.
- 80?
- Yeah.
Haven't you forgotten something?
You're supposed to split it with me.
You want half of 80 grand?
Yeah, go on, then, all right,
I'll put it in the post, shall I?
Just a minute.
Wish I hadn't come now.
Why did ya?
I don't know. Out of respect?
You didn't set aside a little something
for yourself, like a good, honest crook?
- Eh?
- No, don't do...
Face it, Brian.
All right, your legs went.
Your friends went
and you lost your arsehole.
Don't look at me like that.
Like what?
Like I'm old and you pity me.
I'm sorry if I let you down.
- Wait a minute, son.
- No, don't. Stop calling me that.
I'm not your son.
I'll walk with you, all right?
Come on.
Well, here we are.
Two run-of-the-mill thieves
in a shitty B&B
in a cruddy seaside town
bickering over crumbs.
Tell you what I think.
I think they don't know what they've got.
They don't know what it's worth,
how to fence it,
and they've no idea what to do about it.
Those fucking dingbats!
They've fucked this all up.
You know what this means?
This means that I am the only one
who will get nothing.
Still,
might as well be
hung for a sheep as a lamb.
What does that mean?
I want what is mine.
Yeah, so do I.
I want that tom
before it's returned to sender.
Run like the wind, you said.
- Eh? Know when to quit.
- Not now.
Look where it's got us.
- We've nothing to lose now.
- Yeah, I suppose you're right.
I am gonna get what is due to me.
Even if it fucking kills me!
(train whistle)
(taps keyboard)
You see,
what Brian doesn't comprehend, Billy,
is that I've actually saved our necks.
- It's all about the fence.
- Well, he says it himself,
getting rid of it, that's the hard part.
(chuckles) Delegating.
You see, Brian, he has to be the boss.
Has to be the Guv.
But he's lost his desire, Billy.
He doesn't have the heart no more.
- All the more for us.
- (chuckling)
I bet... I mean...
Sorry to say this, Billy, old fruit,
but you've hit the nail on the head there.
Well, I think so.
You're the Guv now.
Tell you what, Billy.
- I reckon I must be.
- Yeah.
- (bubbling)
- Ooh.
Better out than in.
(both laugh)
- There you go, son.
- Cheers, Dan.
Kenny.
He's a thick, wombat-headed old cunt.
Now, what's he up to, Tel?
He's devious.
Devious, yeah.
That's exactly what he is.
He's so fucking two-faced.
Yeah, he's two-faced.
I hate him, Dan. Drives me mad.
I fucking hate him too.
Hello, lads.
- Hello, Ken.
- Hello, Kenny, old son.
Yeah, who's getting them in?
Yeah, I'll get you a drink.
What you want?
Er, a drop of vodka.
- Double?
- Why not?
(click of camera)
What were you thinking, Ken?
Well, I wasn't thinking.
- You went behind our backs.
- Yeah, you did.
Talking to Billy.
Because Brian left us in the lurch, Terry.
He's a very selfish,
self-serving man is Brian.
I do not trust him one little bit.
Why don't you tell him
to his fucking face, then?
He'll take it coming from you.
I'm going to.
Don't you worry.
I'll have it out with him
the first fucking chance I get.
- All right?
- Yeah, all right.
D'you want a top-up, Ken?
No, I'm all right.
(front door shuts)
(mutters)
(hums)
Come on, sweetie.
It's not bedtime yet, Tallulah.
(dog whines)
(he continues humming)
Christ.
- Ooh. Fucking hell.
- Hello, Ken.
You're out late.
What're you sitting in the dark for,
Brian?
Frightened me to death.
I prefer the dark.
People are frightened in the dark.
Makes them wanna talk.
Brian.
- Brian.
- Yeah?
The last thing I want is to upset you,
old son.
We need you back in the fold.
I know you do.
Basil said you hadn't counted it yet.
And you believed him?
- What do you mean?
- Well, he got a drink.
He went through a hole.
And he got a drink.
He got a drink?
Yeah, he got a ton and he had gold.
Gold?
He never told me he had gold.
Yeah, Barney Rubble, that boy.
What about the rest of the stuff?
Well, you see, Brian,
I've lodged the heavy stuff with Billy,
just while the heat's on.
I warned you about Billy.
You did, Brian. You did.
But I've had it out with him.
I've told him it is nothing to do with him
and to keep his nose out of it.
What about the other stuff?
Yeah, well, he's very naughty is Terry.
Very, what's the word?
Very duplicitous.
So, we all took a bit to look after.
We're gonna bring it all back
and get round the smelter.
Danny and Terry, they're staunch?
Danny, good as gold.
Good as gold. But if only
I could say the same for Terry.
You see, he's so unpredictable, Brian.
I mean, he's a bit of a fucking old
psychopath is Terry, sometimes.
- If you're asking me.
- I go back a long way with Terry.
Which is why I think Danny,
he's probably the trouble-maker.
You know, if you're asking me.
I am fucking asking you.
I can only tell it like I see it.
Not as it is.
That's it. Look behind you.
And roll and...
Thanks, Grandpa.
Yeah, he's a very two-faced,
very weak man.
Now it suits him to stroll back in,
he don't care whose feelings he hurts.
Here we go, stretch those feet.
It does hurt my feelings
to hear all this, Ken,
to be honest with ya.
Cos when I was a lad, Brian
was someone I genuinely looked up to.
D'you know what I'm saying?
It's just so disappointing
when people stoop to backstabbing.
Well, he doesn't have the passion no more.
You and me, Terence,
we still have the passion.
Crime is about passion.
Hold on.
Is that Frankie the Fence?
Yeah, his daughter's in the class an' all.
I thought we could have a word
while we're here.
Just don't tell Brian.
Nah, he'll be ringing up next.
Wanting to meet us, see the loot.
- Mark my words.
- Yeah, not on your fucking life, son.
I won't even answer the phone.
That's it.
- Little steps.
- (mobile rings)
Hello, Frankie, how are ya?
Brian. Me old mucker.
It's time to open the fucking kimono, Ken.
Tell the others I wanna meet.
Tonight.
I'm gonna sort this mess out.
(bleep)
(bleep)
Try not to be distracted by a perfectly
ordinary woman with a biro.
And focus on the job in hand.
Now,
let's talk about Basil.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
How much did he really walk off with, eh?
Well, you know, like I said, Brian,
we gave him a drink.
You said gold.
How much really? Hm?
Danny?
What, you wanna know the exact amount?
He never said anything to me about gold.
Oh, and you believe him?
You trust him before you trust us?
Is that what you're fucking saying?
So, what's Billy got?
Oh, I'm having a fucking nightmare
with old Billy, Brian.
To be honest, he's proving
very difficult to work with.
Very difficult indeed.
What's the matter with him?
Well, half the trouble, Brian,
is that Billy is incontinent.
I'll be incontinent
if this goes on much longer.
If he gets pinched, he's gonna say he's
got disabilities and they might not look.
"It wasn't us, Officer.
We're not capable. "
Bunch of harmless old raspberries
in the rub-a-dub.
Who's gonna suspect us of being crooks?
All the other fucking crooks for starters.
We've stolen their pensions.
So that's how they see us, is it?
The Lavender Hill Mob?
A load of cuddly old crooks,
just having a laugh?
What are you gonna say in the dock?
"Oh, I've had two hip replacements.
I've got diabetes.
We were confused. "
You think they won't put you in jail
in case you suffer?
They want you to suffer.
- You should be proud of us.
- I'm not fucking proud.
You could have been famous, Brian.
I don't wanna be fucking famous.
Just get hold of Billy Lincoln.
When you've made the call,
get it all together,
we'll meet in my garage,
chop it up, get out.
Dinner's on me.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Here you go.
No problemo, Brian,
we'll just pop round your garage,
give you all our sparkly stuff
and you can add it to your collection.
It's disrespectful, Terence.
His oldest friends and he treats us
like fucking navvies.
He's getting a bit saucy, I'm telling ya.
He needs a fucking slap.
We're playing by my rules now, Danny boy.
Ken. Get hold of Billy.
We'll meet in the car park,
get the heavy stuff back.
Give him the arse,
tell him to fuck off proper,
and we'll get round the smelter.
- What, in the fucking car park?
- I'll show you where, Dan.
Don't worry your pretty little head.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Bring everything you've got.
We'll put it on the table.
And you, Ken.
Look at me, Ken.
Look at me, Ken.
No squirrelling it away for a rainy day,
eh?
Or you know what'll happen.
(mobile rings)
Hi, Brian.
I just treated
those old bastards to dinner.
And they told me
that you got your whack after all.
Well, they would say that,
wouldn't they?
What else didn't you tell me?
Why would I come all the way to Margate
if I was bullshitting you?
- Because you're greedy.
- They're lying, Brian.
I know they are,
and I also know that those boxes
I gave you were all opened.
I warned you what those crooks
would do if you pulled this off.
You better pray they find you
before I fucking do.
(Brian hangs up)
Excuse me.
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You danced and dreamed
through the night
It seemed to be right
just being with him
Now you must wake up
All dreams must end
Take off your make-up
The party's over
It's all over
My friend
The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You danced and dreamed
through the night
It seemed to be right
just being with him
Now you must wake up
All dreams must end
Take off your make-up
The party's over
It's all over
My...
Friend
(cheering and applause)
- Have you been to Portugal, Grandpa?
- Oh, yeah, darling. I have.
Yeah, you'll love it.
- Oh, is that for me?
- Yeah.
Is that my birthday present?
It suits you, Grandpa.
You gonna be all right with the injections
and everything?
Got someone to do it in your bum?
Who can I get to do it in my bum?
- Kenny'll understand.
- Kenny's busy.
What's he up to?
Reckons he's done some silly burglary,
don't he? Over Easter or something.
Well, he's bored, ain't he?
At his age he's got nothing else to do.
Keeps trying to get me involved.
Mad bastard.
You keep away from that Kenneth. He's
up to something. He'll lead you astray.
Can I borrow your house while you're away?
What are you up to?
I'm your father.
I'll pay ya.
- Is that it?
- There you go. One smelter.
All right, Dan?
Well, seeing I'm the fucking Joey
on the firm.
Fuck's sake.
- There you go.
- Right, cheers.
Frankie, I wanna show you something.
Come here.
Have a look at that.
What's it say?
It says it's small,
yellow and highly flawed.
What's it worth?
Nah, nothing, mate.
Maybe come back
when you're serious, yeah?
Fuck.
Well, that's another fucker that knows.
You didn't tell him anything, did ya?
- What kind of arsehole d'you take me for?
- Just get in the fucking car and drive.
- Someone's tired.
- Fuck off.
TERRY: I blame Brian for all these
negative feelings I've been having.
Have you got negative feelings,
then, have you, Terence?
Oh, we all do, don't we?
The fear.
The paranoia and the loneliness and that.
Nah, he's insecure.
He's a very insecure,
undependable human being.
I'm not insecure myself.
But I do wonder why the whole
entire fucking world is our enemy
and against us all the fucking time.
Sometimes.
Oh, here he comes.
The dog's a better driver than he is.
Fuck me, it's Lewis Hamilton, ain't it?
Terry Perkins is a convicted armed robber
and a bit of a sadist
when he wants to be.
Collins has a slightly bigger brain
but he's had two hip replacements,
so he's not going anywhere in a hurry.
But be very careful of Danny Jones.
Previous for resisting arrest
and always happy to mix it up
unless he's completely outnumbered.
Hello, mate. (chuckles)
How are you? Let's have a drink, then.
There are CCTV cameras in pubs now, Billy.
Can't be too careful.
Look, there's one up there, innit?
Your eyesight's better than mine.
- Shit, yeah, let's get on with it.
- Right.
The real supremo is Brian Reader.
He may seem like a sad old man
but he's capable of severe nastiness
when he's cornered.
He's implicated
in the murder of a police officer.
He doesn't like us.
And we don't like him.
There you go.
Yeah, there you go. Right.
- All right, mate.
- See you, Billy.
I'm gonna have a pint in here, all right?
DAN:
It's the blind leading the deaf.
- Where's he going?
- He's going for a drink.
- And a piss.
- Not necessarily in that order.
(Dan laughs)
What a soppy old cunt.
Banging about in his nutty white jam jar
with that stupid poncey dog.
Yeah, you treacherous pair of slags.
I've got you by the cobblers now.
Surveillance is all over them.
Armed Response are ready.
I just need to catch them red-handed.
Yours feels a bit light.
So does yours.
How do I know you haven't switched 'em?
Taken all the good big ones out
and left the little yellow ones in?
How do I know you ain't?
Where the fuck's Kenny?
(clatters)
(whines)
(doorbell)
Here you are.
Took your fucking time, Ken.
Where the fuck you been?
I haven't had a piss since Sunday.
- Fucking old cunt!
- A bit fucking light.
Are they? Is this everything?
Where's all the big ones?
Where's the fucking big 'uns?
Where's the big 'uns?
- I reckon he's switched 'em.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, what a cheek. What a cheek.
And severe fucking badness.
Such unprof...
Unprofessionalism.
Fuck!
You fucking old thief.
You fucker. You fucker.
What's wrong?
This is Brian's doing.
He's made us all fucking paranoid.
That man, he's so...
He's so manipulative.
Let's have a look, shall we?
Have a look at the gold.
See what's left.
Yeah?
What you fucking done with it?
- (mobile rings)
- Er...
H- Hold on, Danny.
What the fucking fuck are you up to?
The place is crawling with cozzers.
- Oh, fuck. He saw us.
- What? You think we stitched you up?
No. I think
you were waiting for me to die.
- Put Terry on.
- Yeah, here you are.
Er, Terry. Terry.
I'll be under the sod soon enough.
You know that.
But I will be fucking waiting for you.
And I can wait, Terry.
You know I fucking can.
Fuck. Get...
- Go, go, go, go!
- Armed police!
Armed police! Stay where you are!
Don't move!
Stay where you are!
Stay where you are!
Armed police!
Put your hands up. Now! Now!
- Stay where you are.
- Stay still.
Clear! Clear! Move! Move! Come on.
- Get down.
- You fucking wanker, get down!
- Get down!
- Get down now!
- Turn around!
- Move! Come on!
Move! Move!
Don't even look at me.
- Don't move.
- You're done now, Jonesy.
Any chance of a cup of tea?
Armed police! Show me your hands!
Keep them in the air.
Walk slowly towards me.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention when questioned
something you later rely on in court.
Hands in front of you.
- Hang on.
- Hang on a minute.
Hey, take it easy, will you?
Oh, God.
I had nothing to do with this business,
you know?
(dog barks)
(barking and police radio)
(dog barks)
How old do you think I look, Ken?
I mean, because, you know,
I don't think I'm that old.
Well, I don't think I'm old.
No-one thinks they're old. Not even
old people think they're old.
The "old" business, it never works.
I mean, I've been trying it on for years.
Yeah, you're in trouble if it backfires,
though.
Yeah, when you're young,
they egg you on if you're bent.
When you're old, they resent ya.
The older you get, the more dangerous
you get as far as they're concerned.
I feel 23 inside.
You know, the thing that worries me
is that they...
- Think you're young?
- Nah, they think I've still got a future.
Well, that's the one thing
you don't wanna tell them.
That you've got a future.
None of us have got a future.
That's the point.
You just tell 'em you're dying.
Not far off.
(chuckles) I could work on my limp.
- I've got Crohn's disease.
- Yeah, you know,
there's diabetes, depression.
Personality disorder's always a good one.
Everybody, list your ailments.
Get certificates.
We want 'em to treat us gently.
No, you fucking don't.
- Why not?
- Because apart from anything else,
it's too fucking patronising.
- You ready?
- Yep.
Let's go.
What with all these fucking villains
running about,
best place for us now is in the boob.
No way.
At my age I'll do anything to avoid jail.
Well, at least you get
a decent cup of tea.
Yeah, at least you can relax,
you know, put your feet up.
See a doctor when you need one.
No, no, I can't go through all that again.
- My kids'll kill me.
- It's my mum I'm worried about.
- She ain't getting any younger.
- Yeah, well,
my Lyn'll be spinning in her grave
if I go back inside.
- I promised her.
- Never told us that.
Well, I never told anyone.
I'm supposed to be going straight.
Yeah, well, prison life gets easier
as you get older, you know.
Not so many urges.
- I don't care about prison life.
- (Dan chuckles)
It's the afterlife that worries me.
(they all laugh)
(they continue chuckling)
JAMIE CULLUM:
The Man
I know the score
Like the back of my hand
Them other boys
I don't give a damn
They kiss on the ring
I carry the crown
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
Don't need no advice
Cos I got a plan
I know the direction
The lay of the land
Cos I know the score
Like the back of my hand
Them other boys
I don't give a damn
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break
You can't break me down
I got gas in the tank
I got money in the bank
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
I got skin in the game
I got a household name
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
When it comes to Friday
I always earn
Don't try to teach me
I got nothing to learn
Cos, baby, I'm gifted
You see what I mean?
USDA certified lean
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break,
nothing can break me down
I'm the man, come round
Nothing can break
You can't break me down
I got gas in the tank
I got money in the bank
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
I got skin in the game
I don't feel no pain
I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
Who's the man? Who's the man?
I'm the man, I'm the man
Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
Yeah
I'm the man
Yeah
I'm the man
I'm the man
Woo-oo-oo-ooh