King Ralph (1991) Movie Script

The rain appears
to have stopped.
We can continue
with the portrait.
So I should hope.
First time we've had the family
together for six years.
We'll need both banks
of fill lights.
I've already strung
the cables, sir.
Could you?
Permit me, Your Majesty.
HER MAJESTY: Thank you.
-All set up, sir.
-Thank you.
We're ready now, everybody.
Look straight into the lens...
and keep your eyes
wide and bright.
Now, after three. One...
MAN: At a time like this,
any task is difficult,
but a surviving heir
to the throne must be found.
The nation, the commonwealth,
and, I daresay, the known world
await your findings.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Since when do we give a toss
about this kind of bullshit?
Shut up, Dysentery.
Where's your sense
of national flipping pride?
Uh, uh, you.
-Excuse me, Sir Cedric.
I believe we've found an heir.
That's wonderful, Duncan.
Who is it?
His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.
Is he everything
we might have hoped?
He has his strengths
and his weaknesses.
You see, he's an American.
Quickly, Duncan, the strengths.
MAN: Here's one from Don Ho,
the godfather
of Hawaiian soul.
Tiny bubbles
Thank you.
In the wine
Make me happy
Oh, howthey
Make me feel fine
How a how we do
He's in there.
Tiny bubbles
Make me warm all over
Are you shitting me?
And the feelin'
that I'm gonna love you
Till the end of time
Thank you.
Brady, I've got that 20
for you tomorrow.
BRADY: Yeah, right.
Hey, Mitzi.
Heard your show went
a little better than mine.
Ed, what are you
doing down here?
We're not paying you
to watch television.
Excuse me.
Hello, my name is Duncan Phipps.
This is Inspector McGuire.
Great. A couple
of checks bounce?
No, he's here
for your protection.
ED: Jones,
I'm not finished talking to you.
Come in.
I'll sign a picture for you.
Smashing show, by the way.
Absolutely smashing.
-We're not renewing you.
I'm putting Mitzi in your slot.
[Ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh]
You little back-stabbing bitch.
ED: Turn in your tux.
'Cause I wouldn't sing
The lmpossible Dream?
Vacate your room
by noon tomorrow,
or we'll put your stuff
in the street.
RALPH: Can you believe that?
It's beyond all comprehension,
Your Majesty.
But I have news that might
bring you some cheer.
I doubt it.
It is my glorious duty
to inform you...
that you are the new...
king of England.
DUNCAN: The duke of Warren...
had a small dalliance with
your grandmother Constance,
who was a waitress at the hotel
where he was staying.
One gastro death-dealer with
onions, jalapenos, and Tabasco.
Thank you.
At any rate, Constance
had a son, your father.
Since he and your grandmother
are both dead,
you are the only surviving
royal heir in your line.
Even if I believed you,
which I don't,
I haven't got time
to be king of England.
I got to get a job.
This is more than a job.
Maybe I'll put a band together,
get back to playing
rock 'n' roll.
But you can't refuse the throne.
It's a sacred trust.
What does this sacred trust pay?
You don't get a salary.
I pay you, right?
You don't need money.
Everything's taken care of.
The king has a castle--
five castles, actually--
a fleet of cars, a yacht,
a staff of servants.
Good God, the future
of a nation's at stake!
You're good, Dunc.
Real good.
Do you remember
your grandmother at all?
RALPH: Connie? Yeah.
Do you remember a ring she wore?
Sure. She said she got it
from some prince.
There's only one other like it,
the duke of Warren's.
Was this the ring?
Holy shit.
Yes! Ha ha!
RALPH: How long you think
you'll be needing me?
I've never held a job
for more than six months.
DUNCAN: A king
is a king for life.
RALPH: No problem.
My schedule's pretty open.
Ahh ahh ahh ahh
ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh
ahh ahh ahh ahh
God save the king
God save the king
Rule Britannia
God save the king
There it is, Your Majesty.
Your new home.
RALPH: Which room is mine?
DUNCAN: Well, all of them.
God save the king
God save the king
Excuse me, Sir Cedric.
His Majesty is here.
Very good.
Allow me to introduce
Our Sovereign Lord, Ralph Jones,
king of Great Britain,
Northern Ireland,
and all her other realms
and territories,
head of the commonwealth,
defender of the faith.
RALPH: How you doing?
How do you do, Your Majesty?
I'm Cedric Willingham.
Glad to meet you, Ced.
Have you ever been
to England before?
But I have almost all
the Rolling Stones' albums.
Well, then you're
practically a native.
Dunc says you've
been here 25 years.
You must be a hell
of a typist by now.
I'm not that type of secretary.
My duty is to instruct you
in the arts of sovereignty...
to make you a king.
Look, my duties are
mostly for show, right?
I hope you're
not counting on me...
to solve
large national problems.
I don't have a lot
of experience with that.
English law prohibits monarchs
from solving problems.
Unfortunately, it doesn't
prohibit you from creating them.
That's a load off my mind.
So, where do we start?
CEDRIC: Think of what name
you'd like to use as king.
Edward and George
have been popular this century.
RALPH: What's wrong with Ralph?
CEDRIC: It lacks a certain...
I can't really think
of any notable Ralph.
RALPH: Well, sure.
Ralph Macchio.
Ralph Lauren.
Ralph Kramden.
This is extremely nice.
Better than I'm used to.
This is the picture gallery.
Many of the people in these
paintings are your relatives.
That's the duke of Warren,
your unfortunate grandfather.
You have his chin.
That's George III.
You may remember him.
He was king during
that temper tantrum...
you call the Revolutionary War.
Sounds like sour grapes.
We did kick your ass.
The loss is entirely yours,
or rather, theirs.
Remember that you're
an Englishman now.
RALPH: I still think
they kicked our ass.
Just a few quick questions...
to probe your knowledge
of English history.
RALPH: Fine.
When she failed
to give him a son,
Henry Vlll had Anne Boleyn...
Look into adoption?
Jeez, this is a tough country.
Would this be to your liking?
I kind of like that.
That's an upholstery fabric,
Your Majesty.
The English people don't
generally like their monarch...
to look like a sofa.
These are traditional
English dishes,
some of which you
will be served tonight.
Roast beef
and Yorkshire pudding...
bangers and mash...
and the ever popular
spotted dick.
Spotted dick?
Dick of what?
These are the bangers.
The spotted dick is a dessert.
Could I just have
some ice cream?
Quite a first day, Your Majesty.
I'll leave you to rest now.
This is Your Majesty's bedroom.
There you go, chief.
CEDRIC: Unfortunately,
you do have the option...
to redecorate your private
quarters as you see fit.
Good. I got some ideas.
We'll put the velour industry
on full standby.
Through there is
your dining room.
Across the way, the bath.
Through here is your study.
And there is your dressing room.
Anything we've left out?
I don't know.
How about a bowling alley?
CEDRIC: One other thing.
At your coronation
four months hence,
you will be required to wear
the imperial state crown.
It's usually kept
in the Tower of London,
but we placed it
near your bed...
as a reminder of the eminence
of your office.
It contains the Star of India,
the world's
second largest diamond.
You should practice wearing it
to get used to the weight.
-Good evening, Your Majesty.
RALPH: Hey, Ced.
What is it that
a king does all day?
Scarcely a minute of your day
is unaccounted for.
Nevertheless, what you do
is not as important...
as what you are.
What am I?
To be the king of England...
is a responsibility
like no other on Earth.
You must become a symbol...
of all that is best
about England.
An embodiment of our history,
our culture,
our morality,
our pride of achievement.
In short, our ideal
of civilization.
You must, in the harsh light
of public scrutiny,
exhibit all of our virtues
and none of our shortcomings.
I thought all
I was supposed to do...
was dress up and wave.
I don't even know
what our virtues are.
You will learn soon enough.
I'm afraid
it's a god's burden to bear.
it must be borne by a man.
Good evening, Your Majesty.
It's not enough to be king.
You must look and act like one.
We'll begin with the walk.
Imagine yourself to be
the master of your domain...
the leader of men.
Don't swing your arms.
Back straight.
Head up.
But relaxed.
-How am I doing?
It's an unmitigated catastrophe,
Prime Minister,
this song-and-dance man
from the colonies.
It's the end of everything
that we hold dear.
Please keep in mind...
that Jones will need
a certain period of adjustment.
He's American.
He's impervious to adjustment.
Better that Parliament
declare his line at an end...
than subject England
to this embarrassment.
Are you suggesting
that we have no king at all?
Certainly not.
Simply choose a king
from the House of Stuart,
who reigned in glory
before the Wyndhams,
make theirs a royal line.
That would be your line,
Lord Graves,
making you next in line
for the throne?
Yes, I believe it would.
Removing Jones
would be a drastic measure...
for Parliament to take.
He does have royal blood,
no matter how badly diluted.
So until he commits
some grievous error,
we will simply have
to live with him.
I suppose so.
You really fell upstairs
this time.
Too bad it's only going to
last the rest of your life.
You called, Your Majesty?
Which one are you again?
Gordon, Your Majesty's page.
Yeah, Gordon,
I was just wondering...
if you could bring me
something, anything.
I've never had anybody bring me
something before.
Perhaps an assortment
of fine chocolates.
Got any Milk Duds?
Sir Cedric, Sir Cedric!
The king's gone!
He just walked out.
Why didn't anyone stop him?
We tried, but he is the king.
DUNCAN: McGuire's with him.
CEDRIC: We've got to find him
before the press does.
Think--you've just been
made king of England.
Where's the first place
you would go?
Our headliner,
Miss Fannie Oakley!
Thank you, Fannie!
And now, a lady making her
professional debut.
Straight from Las Vegas, Nevada,
Miss Flamingo Mirage!
Yes, sir.
Brewer Street, Soho.
I will, sir.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
M.C.: Moving along now,
let's welcome that saucy
southern belle...
RALPH: Hey there, Flamingo, hi.
Really unique show.
Striptease without the nudity.
My name's Miranda.
The show was terrible.
Who are you?
Ralph Jones.
You don't really
have a Vegas accent.
I wouldn't know.
I've never been there.
Oh! How embarrassing.
Why did I ever think
I could do this?
RALPH: You got to remember
to take a crossover step...
before doing your spin-back,
or you'll never make it
for the hip reveal.
Girls have trouble with
that the first night.
This is my only night.
They sacked me.
Know anybody who'd
want a tear-away dress?
One of the maids?
We should stay with
the present uniform.
Phippsie, I didn't know...
you went for
this sort of thing.
I want you to meet Miranda.
-You guys work here?
-Well, no.
Then what are you
doing backstage?
It's OK. I'm the new king here.
The king of what, burlesque?
No. England.
That's not the proper thing
to joke about.
I'm not joking.
They hired me yesterday.
I could get your job back.
I don't want my job back.
I want to get dressed.
This'll only take a minute.
I'm new in town.
We could get together
tomorrow night,
maybe have a drink,
discuss the country's mood--
Alan! He's the bouncer.
This is ridiculous.
Nobody believes me.
We should print some cards.
-I'll make you a deal.
If I prove that I'm king,
you got to go out with me.
ALAN: What are you doing here?
These friends of yours?
Don't you be
touching him now, lad.
Have we got a deal?
Yes, all right, fine.
Coming here is the best thing
I've done so far.
RALPH: Hiya, Ced.
I need hardly remind you...
that this is not the preferred
entertainment of royalty.
Sorry, Ced.
That's it, Your Majesty.
Grip the bat.
Swing it vertically,
not horizontally.
Unlike baseball,
when the ball comes on the fly,
in cricket,
it hits the ground.
The bowler is trying
to hit your stump.
If he does, you're out.
The better shot to learn
is the forward defensive shot.
At first, Your Majesty,
just try to block it.
Pitch a few up, bowler.
Nice and slow.
It's out of here!
MAN ON TV: Although there's
a sense of relief...
in most quarters that
a sovereign has been found,
doubts remain as to whether
the American-born king...
is cut from the proper cloth.
Son of an itinerant pool player,
the king's life, thus far,
has been relatively free
of achievement.
His mother is currently
in prison...
Miranda Greene?
I'm Lord Percival Graves.
Have you a moment?
It is a matter
of some urgency.
Do come in.
I understand
you've met our new king.
Yeah, looks like I did.
And you made quite
an impression on him.
Who said that?
Have you seen today's "Bugle"?
"Seventy-two percent
of the people...
"see the ascendancy
to the throne...
"by an American commoner...
"as a serious threat
to the status of the monarchy."
What's this got to do with me?
You are in a unique position...
to be of service
to your country.
I'm sure that you are aware...
that members of
the royal family...
are expected to maintain
certain standards,
particularly with regard
to the company they keep.
if the king of England
were to become involved...
with someone like you--
MIRANDA: Someone like me?
The pressure on him to
abdicate would be considerable.
You're asking me
to sleep with him?
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
I simply want you
to spend time with him,
to befriend him, nurture
his burgeoning affection...
until such time as a simple
photograph can be taken--
a little snapshot of you
together in public.
Forget it.
He is making a mockery
of centuries of tradition.
We're on the brink
of a national crisis.
I think we'll survive.
What's in this for you?
I'm prepared to make it
well worth your while.
Thanks, but I don't
need the money.
What about your family?
What about them?
Your father and brother
have been out of work...
for almost a year,
haven't they?
Such a tragedy, the demise of
the steel industry.
My inquiries tell me...
that their savings
are completely dried up.
Debts are mounting steadily.
It's only a matter of time
before the house is repossessed.
Get out.
I don't think you understand
quite how much I'm offering.
Close the door.
Fifteen thousand pounds
to start,
and if you're successful,
enough to ensure that you never
have to worry about money...
for the rest of your life--
you or your family.
Now, surely you're not
to sacrifice their future...
for the sake of
an American usurper...
that you don't even know?
I think not.
One lump or two?
Two for me.
A little bonus, there.
So, will l--
What's on the agenda today?
CEDRIC: A word of advice.
When you meet
the prime minister,
say "How do you do?"
rather than "How you doing?"
RALPH: No problem.
How do you do?
Excuse me. I didn't
sleep much last night.
I'm still on Vegas time,
plus I haven't had a day job
for four years.
I'm more of a night owl,
but what the hell.
Your Majesty, may I present...
the prime minister,
Geoffrey Hale?
How do you do, Jeff?
HALE: It's a pleasure
to meet Your Majesty.
RALPH: You can call me Ralph.
No, I'm afraid I can't.
Shall we sit?
I don't want to keep you long,
Your Majesty,
but there is a matter of
some pressing national interest.
That's why I'm here.
As you know,
there's considerable unrest...
in the countries of Africa,
resulting in the emergence
of several new states.
The first thing
we're going to have to do...
is buy all new globes.
Beyond that, I don't think
we should rush into anything.
There's no problem
that can't be ignored if we try.
Well, of these new states,
Zambezi is the most important,
owing to its recently discovered
mineral wealth.
That's pretty much
my feeling on it.
So we've decided to invite
King Mulambon of Zambezi...
to visit England on the 23rd.
I didn't know Zambezi
even had a king.
They didn't
until recently.
Mulambon is very anxious
to legitimize himself...
by rubbing elbows with
the royal houses of Europe.
Your Majesty,
we would be grateful...
if you would host
a reception for...him.
You'll have to excuse him,
Prime Minister.
He is more of a night owl.
Extraordinary fellow.
Could I have a word
with you?
He simply won't do.
He's common, ignorant,
and extremely ill-mannered.
The man's an orangutan.
God help us
with the king of Zambezi.
Well, be-bop a-lula
She's my a-baby
Be-bop a-lula
I don't mean maybe--
CEDRIC: Your Majesty.
Did you have a nice nap?
Guess the old jet lag
caught up with me.
I'm ready now, though.
There's much to cover.
The new uniforms are ready,
and I brought you some books--
one on English history,
one on the lives
of the monarchs,
and a primer on etiquette.
-What's this?
-Date night.
Where does a king go
to eat some sushi?
CEDRIC: We have no time
to arrange the proper security.
What, the Japanese
are dangerous here?
CEDRIC: There are elements
at large in the world...
who might seek to harm
the king of England.
What kind of harm?
Kidnapping you for ransom.
In some cases, even--
Even what, killing me?
Ced, I can't take too many more
of these surprises.
Phipps just talked about
castles and boats.
We didn't want to alarm you.
There's nothing to fear
once precautions are taken.
You must accept
some limitations...
on your personal freedom
and on your wardrobe.
So far, there are
no royal luaus planned.
I still got to get this date in.
I am the king, right?
Very well...Your Maj.
MAN: With the king's
special permission, Harry.
Go on through.
Miss Greene, Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
You don't have
to worry about that.
And, please, call me Ralph.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I could never do that.
Yeah. God knows
what could happen.
Well, I guess
it's just the seven of us.
That was a lovely dinner.
I can't believe
I'm eating in the Throne Room.
Yeah, well, Willingham
wanted it to be intimate.
I asked Gordon for some music
we could dance to.
Ah. Here's dessert.
Would you care
for some spotted--
I came to London
to study design.
I tried exotic dancing...
because I needed
some extra money.
I went to night school
for a bit.
When my dad lost his job,
I started sending money home.
There wasn't enough left
to go to school.
I don't know
if I'll ever go back.
Something will break for you.
I've never done anything
my whole life.
Look where I am. There.
-What's this?
-What's what?
There's no such word as "yo."
I use it all the time.
You don't have to look it up.
We're using the King's English.
If I say it, it's a word.
The Y's on a triple word score.
I'm catching up.
Narrowed the gap to 164 points.
I don't know.
You're not the kind of girl
I'm used to.
You can spell,
you wear clothes to work.
You just have more class.
I'm just a salesgirl
from south London.
Doesn't count
for much class down here,
but it's nice of you to say so.
Our deal was one date,
but could we extend it?
You don't really know me.
There are things about me
you might not like.
Like what?
You're beautiful,
you're smart, you're honest.
I should go.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
Thank you.
[Door opens]
I'm sorry it took so long,
Your Majesty,
but I found you some music.
CEDRIC: Don't fall in love.
CEDRIC: It wouldn't work out.
RALPH: Why not?
As king, you are expected...
to marry a woman
of noble birth,
particularly given
your less-than-perfect breeding,
and Miss Greene,
fetching as she may be,
does not qualify.
Your Majesty may remember...
in 1936, King Edward
fell in love with a commoner...
and had to abdicate
his throne.
The House of Wyndham
can ill afford...
another such disaster.
I just want to take her out.
With all due respect,
it would be best
for both of you...
if you did not see
Miss Greene at all.
But if you insist,
it's imperative that you
only see her at the palace.
Here's a poem to remember
the order of kings.
l, Il, III Eds, Richard Il,
Henry IV, V, Vl, then who?
Edward IV, V, Rich the Bad,
then Richard the Third,
then Henrys Twice
and Ed the Lad.
Mary, Lizzie, James the Vain,
Charlie, Charlie, James again.
MAN: She's already
seen him twice this week.
We could tip off the press
next time she goes.
Have some photographers outside.
No, let's wait a bit longer.
Give him enough time to become
hopelessly infatuated. Pull.
This is what I call a room.
Your Majesty,
his most sovereign king,
Mulambon of Zambezi.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
On behalf of the people
of the United Kingdom...
CEDRIC: And the commonwealth.
And the commonwealth
for which we--no.
It's a great pleasure...
to have you as our guest.
We hope you had a pleasant trip.
Oh, look, honey, see the swan?
MAN: Press the knees tight in.
Sit back.
Grip with the knees.
Heels down. Heels down.
RALPH: Whoa! Whoa!
MAN: Your Majesty.
RALPH: Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Hello. News desk?
I have something
you might be interested in.
DUNCAN: When in public, a royal
personage must refrain...
from chewing gum,
using profanity,
picking his nose,
scratching his private parts,
and staring down the bust lines
of visiting female dignitaries.
That's everything.
Good morning, Your Majesty.
RALPH: Hey, Ced.
I have distressing news.
Miss Greene's presence here
did not go unnoticed.
CEDRIC: Your Majesty,
this gives you little choice...
but to end your friendship
with Miss Greene.
RALPH: What? I can't do that.
I don't want to.
CEDRIC: We'll find you
an exemplary consort,
a woman of such distinction
as to far exceed your standards.
RALPH: I like my standards
down where they are.
RALPH: Welcome, Your Majesty.
On behalf of the United Kingdom,
it's our pleasure
to have you as our guest.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
On behalf of the people...
Come on, Ralph.
Don't blow it now.
Don't worry, Your Majesty.
You'll be fine.
[Door opens]
CEDRIC: Your Majesty, may I
present His Royal Highness,
King Mulambon of Zambezi?
RALPH: Hey, homes.
What's happening?
Gimme a quintet, brother.
I do not comprehend,
Your Majesty.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
On behalf of the people
of the United Kingdom...
Want to go get a beer?
Do you feel being king
is tougher than you thought?
It is difficult sometimes,
what with all
the ceremonial duties...
and official obligations,
but I'm quite pleased...
with the economic progress
my country has made.
We are hoping
to be the first in Africa...
to market an automobile.
I might be in the market
myself soon.
The Rolls just
doesn't have much poop.
-Will it have fuel injection?
-Oh, yes. Everything.
Five-speed transmission,
rack-and-pinion steering.
Reclining buckets?
Rear spoiler?
No, but it'll get
excellent gas mileage.
Gas mileage is fine,
but the first question
car buyers ask themselves is,
"Will this get me laid?"
Beautifully stated.
Ah! Well, looks like
that's all she wrote.
Want to go again?
RALPH: What was that, a five?
MULAMBON: No, a three.
Isn't it on the line?
I plan to claim victory
with this throw.
Careful not to foot fault.
If he gets anything better
than seven, we're screwed.
Know where I can
get a set of those?
I'll send you one.
I've been meaning to ask you,
do they tell you
who to date over there?
Of course not. I am the king.
Damn. I knew I was
getting hosed over here.
I think he did well,
It could have been worse.
Yes. He could have
exposed himself.
Yes? The prime minister
for you, sir.
Good afternoon,
Prime Minister.
Oh, really?
It's a strange world
we live in, isn't it, sir?
Yes, thank you.
The prime minister
just spoke to King Mulambon.
The king said
he couldn't remember...
when he'd had so much fun.
Please. Yes.
King Ralph seems
to have passed...
his first diplomatic test
with high marks.
The king's personal style,
which had raised some eyebrows
in official circles,
is now being characterized
as a breath of fresh air.
In other--
Your Majesty.
We were nervous when we decided
to take a chance on you,
but, uh...
I really did all right?
Yes, Your Majesty.
Don't let it go to your head.
Today's breath of fresh air...
can quickly become
tomorrow's ill wind.
Nowthat that's over,
I can take a vacation, right?
CEDRIC: Hardly.
We will have to increase...
your public appearances...
in light of your
growing popularity,
and the ball season
will soon be upon us.
You'll need dance lessons--
waltz, fox trot,
even eights and reels.
I haven't had a day off
since I've been here.
I can't go out, I eat alone,
I live in a museum.
-You'll adjust.
-I got no family, no sex life--
Good. Less chance
for a scandal.
I don't see anybody
that doesn't work for me.
I'm getting palace fever.
Are you telling me
in your American way...
that you are lonely?
Don't lose patience.
We're working on the problem.
Good evening.
I'll give you guys
one more chance.
CEDRIC: Sir Guy Cracknell,
knight of the British Empire.
Ooh. Ooh, I'm sorry.
Oh. Are you all right?
I got him. I got him good.
I'm sorry.
Really, I'm terribly sorry.
I got to get out of here.
[Beep beep]
Your evening cocoa,
Your Majesty.
You haven't seen this, Gordon.
Haven't seen what, Your Majesty?
I really need
a night out, Gordon.
There are easier ways.
Stay, boy.
[Telephone rings]
Congratulations, my dear.
The king has broken out
of the palace...
and is at this moment
on his way to you.
When he calls,
meet him wherever he chooses.
There will be a photographer
following you.
Make sure that he gets
what he needs.
Good luck.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, Miranda?
It's me--Ralph.
Am I glad to see you.
People are looking at me funny.
-You're here alone?
There's something
I've wanted to do.
Two Double Whoppers with fries
and two giant Cokes.
Two Double Whoppers,
two fries, two giants!
Got any money?
I haven't been paid yet.
You know, you look familiar.
Aren't you--
Yeah, you are, aren't you?
You're the new king!
What, are you crazy?
What would I be doing here?
There's the king!
There's the king!
Could I have a burger, please?
You got the wrong guy.
You got the wrong guy.
I ain't him.
GIRL: Oh, please, Your Majesty.
All right, all right.
One or two. One or two.
Your Majesty,
here's a burger on the house.
I think I'll need a new burger.
MAN: Over here, Your Majesty.
Maybe just one quick one.
Could you move
a little closer together?
That's lovely.
Put your arm around him
and give him a kiss.
Very nice.
-Why'd you do that?
-We got to go.
The fries aren't ready.
MIRANDA: There's going to be
photographers everywhere.
RALPH: How about onion rings?
MAN: I've got your burger!
MIRANDA: You should get back
to the palace now.
RALPH: I don't want to.
There's got to be
someplace we can go.
MIRANDA: Well, maybe one.
Two, three, four. Side.
Two, three, four.
Forward, two, three, four.
RALPH: Hope you're not upset
about this mystery woman thing.
The girls at work said...
it was probably
some East End tart...
trying to get her picture
in the papers.
I wish we could meet again
somewhere else...
in different circumstances.
RALPH: Different circumstances?
We got the park.
We got the lake.
We got the moon.
We got the stars.
What else do we need?
What? What is it,
this commoner thing?
Edward Vlll
and that Wallis broad?
That was 50 years ago.
This is the nineties.
We got to be able to work
something out.
Anything's possible.
Not in England.
Not for royalty.
Don't say that.
I can't see myself
making it here...
without you, Miranda.
GRAVES: Now, this
is exceptional.
You realize, don't you,
that you're looking
at the fall...
of the House of Wyndham?
Before long, the House of Stuart
will be restored...
to its rightful place.
And you, Gordon,
will be private secretary
to the king.
Thank you.
GORDON: Excuse me, my lord.
A Miss Miranda Greene
to see you.
Lord Graves.
What an unexpected surprise.
Here's your money.
All of it.
I'm just glad that
I got out now...
before any real damage was done.
GRAVES: You can't bluff me.
I know what you're after.
You just want more money.
You're right. Then there'd
be more to give back.
Come back here,
you little strumpet!
Ah, I rather enjoyed that.
Welcome to Windsor castle.
The prime minister
will be here shortly.
He wishes to talk to you.
The peak goes to the front,
Your Majesty.
Nowthat you've handled...
the Zambezi reception
so famously,
we feel you can help with
a matter of greater import.
I don't know whether
you're aware of it or not,
but Finland recently discovered
large oil deposits...
in their area of the Baltic.
One of our companies
is bidding for the contract...
to supply the platforms
and drilling equipment,
a contract that could create
thousands of jobs.
Unfortunately, we're getting
spirited competition...
from the Japanese.
RALPH: They can cause problems.
What are we hunting?
CEDRIC: I believe
it's pheasant, Your Majesty.
HALE: At present,
the competition is a tossup.
However, we have another ace.
The king of Finland
is visiting here in two weeks.
-ls this gun loaded, Ced?
You will host
a royal banquet for him.
Yes. We won't get by
on pretzels and beer this time.
The king will bring
his daughter, Princess Anna,
one of the world's
most socially desirable women.
-Does that mean she's ugly?
-Oh, far from it.
We're organizing a ball
to followthe banquet...
so that you two
can get to know each other.
Excuse me, Your Majesty.
The beaters are approaching.
[Dogs barking, men whistling]
Here they come, Your Majesty.
They're over.
Did I get one?
CEDRIC: Fortunately
it's only a flesh wound.
If everything
proceeds accordingly,
this ball will lead...
toward the royal wedding
of the century.
Wedding? You mean her and me?
HALE: Yes, you and her.
You can't tell me
who to marry.
Isn't being the king
worth something?
That's why you must marry,
to protect your birthright.
What about
matters of the heart?
They must be subordinated
to the good of the monarchy.
You're the last Wyndham.
A queen must be found
to perpetuate the line.
Princess Anna is the best
of the acceptable candidates.
You must put aside
your personal desires.
A king's life is
not always his own!
-You're serious about this?
I got news for you.
My life is my own,
and I can't take this anymore.
I got everything
in the world here...
and nothing I need!
No friends,
no freedom, no fun!
In the States, I could
screw up my life as I sawfit.
Shove this job
down somebody else's throat,
'cause I quit!
I'm out of here!
You'd walk out
on the English people?
I told you I was the wrong guy.
It seems you're wrong
for everything, Ralph.
Who you calling Ralph?
It's Your Majesty.
Not anymore. You quit, just as
you quit the bear scouts.
-Cub Scouts.
-Little league,
three colleges,
and an assortment of jobs.
You're asking me to quit Miranda
and any chance at a normal life.
No. That shirt is not yours.
I wasn't born to this
royalty crap.
I can't accept these
stupid restrictions.
What of the workers who will
benefit from this contract?
RALPH: Maybe something else
will come along.
You'd bet their future...
for a woman you've known
a few weeks?
You're asking me to marry
a woman I don't know at all.
Think of something
larger than yourself...
to accept a significant
responsibility for once...
without beating retreat
at the first difficulty.
England's throne is not a job...
to discard when it conflicts
with your bowling night.
This is hardly
the first difficulty.
You've been destroying
my fantasy for weeks.
It's up to you to embrace
this situation as a challenge,
or simply chalk it up
as another failure,
a monument
to your own passivity.
It's time you made a stand
somewhere for something.
If not now, then when?
There's no guarantee I'll even
be attracted to this princess.
Then we'll get her
a g-string and some pasties,
but you must not
shrink from your duty.
To refuse her now
would be disastrous for England.
Your family, your government,
and the people of England...
are counting on you.
You owe it to them...
and to yourself.
OK, I'll give it a shot.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
You won't regret it.
I remain your humble servant.
[Ring ring]
RALPH: Hello?
MIRANDA: Hello, Ralph?
I have something to tell you.
RALPH: Yeah.
I was just going to call you.
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
RALPH: What?
MIRANDA: I really wish I could.
You just have to trust me.
It's not a good idea.
Yeah. They're putting pressure
on me over here, too.
-Could never have worked out.
-Sure. I understand.
I guess we should just be glad
for the time we had.
We did have a good time,
didn't we?
Please don't think badly of me.
No. It just wasn't
meant to be.
Good-bye, Miranda.
Bye, Ralph.
I have an errand for you.
GORDON: My Lord.
This is my invitation
to the Finnish ball.
Make sure that Miss Greene
gets one just like it.
-Of course.
-And write this on the back.
-But, uh--
-Just do it.
[Train whistle toots]
[Military band plays]
DRUM MAJOR: Shoulder...arms.
Royal salute! Present arms!
Welcome, Your Majesty.
On behalf of the United Kingdom,
it's a pleasure to have you
as our guest.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
We're honored by the invitation.
-May I present Queen Katherine?
-Queen Katherine.
And Princess Anna.
Princess Anna.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Allow me to introduce
Prime Minister Geoffrey Hale.
HALE: Your Majesty.
HALE: Your Majesty.
Your Royal Highness.
[Knock on door]
With His Majesty's compliments.
He also instructed me
to give you this.
GRAVES: They'll be the toast
of the continent.
GRAVES: Good evening,
Your Majesty.
Lord Percival Graves.
I knowthat you will
acquit yourself as famously...
with the Finnish royals
as you have with others.
One word of advice, if I may.
If things become too staid,
too formal for you,
don't hesitate to display
that American flamboyance...
for which you are
so justly celebrated.
With your lustrous charm,
I wouldn't be afraid
to showthem who you really are.
Thanks. I'll try
to keep that in mind.
MAN: His Britannic Majesty
King Ralph I...
and their Royal Majesties...
King Gustav and
Queen Katherine of Finland...
and her Royal Highness
Princess Anna.
I am told you are a sportsman.
My passion is polo.
No game like it for a gentleman.
If I ever get to be one,
I'll take it up.
-Do you ever do any fencing?
-Just a little when I was a kid.
Couple watches here and there.
The princess is quite lovely,
isn't she?
Yeah, she doesn't say much,
but she's what they call a fox.
I'm glad you find her so.
Best wishes in your fox hunting.
Fox hunting?
You like fox hunting?
I don't get around much lately.
I used to go out every weekend,
one club or another.
Really? That often?
You must have collected
several tails.
I admit I slept with a few,
but I'm not like that anymore.
You can't be too careful.
Never know
who they've been with.
No. I suppose not.
Once I had a steady girl,
that ended it.
-She didn't like fox hunting?
-Well, of course not.
-Anna isn't into it, is she?
-Oh, yes. She loves it.
Most royals do.
Gustav, let the king eat.
His guests are waiting.
Sorry. They don't feed
the chickens enough over here.
[Guests gasping]
Excuse me.
Bad luck. It could
have happened to almost anyone.
I'd be better off if
they'd let me do things my way.
All is not lost.
If things go well between you
and the princess,
everything will be forgotten.
RALPH: Shall we dance?
-You dance great.
-Oh, thank you. So do you.
I'm sort of curious about
what kind of things you like.
Oh, I don't know. Certainly
the fine arts, the opera,
the ballet, the symphony,
and I love to travel.
Oh, yeah? Me, too.
You ever been to Hoover Dam?
No. I missed that one.
We prefer Deauville.
Daddy played
in the Gold Cup there.
Then, of course,
we went to Ascot.
-Oh, what country is that in?
What do you say
that we take a little breather?
-lt seems to be going well.
We set a torrid pace in there.
Hope the rest of our life
isn't this wild.
Nowthat we've gotten
to know each other,
our representatives can work out
a schedule for our courtship.
I have travel commitments
that have to be worked around.
I've been meaning
to talk to you about this.
Don't you think we should have
feelings for each other first?
It would be a charming bonus,
but it's hardly necessary.
We are royals.
We marry for the...position.
If I wanted to marry for love,
I would have married
Gunnar Jann back in Penike.
-Do you really want to marry me?
-Well, I must admit,
you'll require a bit more work
than I'd hoped.
You're unsophisticated,
and lacking in social grace.
I am consoled with the fact
that you have nice buttocks.
Beg your pardon?
As you were dancing,
I drowned the memory of
your behavior at dinner...
with a vision of you bending me
over the Queen Anne desk...
in the white drawing room.
Wouldn't that be uncomfortable
with all those pens sticking up?
Yes. Or best of all,
you could strap me to the throne
with strings of pearls.
I don't know.
The servants might see us.
I would hope so.
There you two are.
Come, Anna. You haven't
danced with your father.
Coming, father.
How's it going, Your Majesty?
We have nothing in common.
She'd like to have sex
on a bed of nails.
At least the party stinks.
I've got to liven things up.
Time for some of that
American flamboyance.
MAN: Your Majesty.
I've got a number
I'd like to do.
-You guys got a piano?
-No, but we have a harpsichord.
Good enough.
Let's go over the changes.
-You guys ready?
-We'll try, Your Majesty.
Great. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to welcome y'all
to the ball again.
Is everybody having a good time?
As you may have read,
I love music.
Since this is the
biggest audience I've ever had,
I'd like to play
something for you,
maybe pick up
the tempo a little.
This is a sweet
Little Richard Penniman tune.
[Plays harpsichord]
Ah. Little rusty.
RALPH: Help me out here.
Coat was cramping my style.
Good golly Miss Molly
You sure like to ball
Yeah, good golly Miss Molly
You sure like to ball
When you're rockin' an' rollin'
You can't hear mama call
Well, from the early,
early mornin'
To the early, early night
You can hear Miss Molly comin'
And she's runnin' for her life
Good golly Miss Molly
Yeah, you sure like to ball
When you're rockin' an' rollin'
You can't hear mama call
Well, good golly Miss Molly
You sure like to ball
Yeah, good golly Miss Molly
Honey, you sure like
to throw a ball
When you're rockin'
an' you're rollin'
You can't hear your mama call
Your majesty, one of the guests
asked me to give you this.
Good golly Miss Molly
Good golly Miss Molly
Good golly Miss Molly
Wow, good golly Miss Molly
Yeah, yeah
Good golly Miss Molly
Good night
You've been
a wonderful audience.
Thanks a lot, guys.
-What are you doing here?
-What do you mean?
Who is this girl?
MIRANDA: Miranda. Who are you?
I'm Princess Anna,
the king's future bride.
Future bride?
I see. Excuse me,
I think I should be going.
Wait, Miranda.
I can explain this.
GUSTAV: Anna, we are going.
ANNA: Who was that girl?
GUSTAV: He is not worth it.
[Crowd murmuring]
King Gustav,
I'm sure His Majesty regrets--
In the wake of last night's
disastrous royal ball,
the Finnish government
has awarded...
its highly prized
offshore equipment contract...
to a Japanese firm.
King Ralph not only
shocked his guests...
with his rock 'n' roll
but further insulted King Gustav
and Princess Anna of Finland...
by parading with
his so-called mystery woman,
a former stripper
named Miranda Greene.
Political leaders have
banded together to condemn...
GRAVES: Never in recent times
has a monarch so shamed...
and embarrassed his country.
[Murmurs of approval]
Must we stand idly by
and suffer the degradation...
of our most sacred traditions...
by this witless ivory tinkler
from across the sea?
I say no!
[Exclamations of approval]
I say it is time
to reclaim our heritage.
[Murmurs of agreement]
I say it is time to reclaim
our national pride.
CROWD: Hear, hear!
I say it is time
to reclaim our throne!
[Cheering and applause]
Sorry, Grandpa.
I could've made a mark
for our side of the family,
and I screwed it up.
Maybe I should have
myself beheaded.
Tommie, this is Ralph.
I need a favor.
-Mrs. Greene?
Hi. Is Miranda here?
As I live and breathe!
You're him, aren't you?
Just barely.
RALPH: I shouldn't have come,
but I wanted to.
Parliament wants me to resign.
Hale agrees.
MIRANDA: Will you do it?
RALPH: I've never done
anything important.
I usually bail out
long before that.
I am the king,
even if I shouldn't be.
I don't want to be the one who
embarrassed the whole country...
and had to crawl
out the back door.
King Ralph the Chickenhearted.
What do you think?
I'm in no position
to give advice.
I'm sorry about all the stuff
in the papers,
all the things
they've been saying--
Ralph, there's something
I have to tell you.
After we first met at the club,
Lord Graves came to see me.
He offered me money
to help my family...
if I would see you
and compromise you in some way.
You went for it?
You let him bribe you?
-To begin with.
-I don't believe this.
Ever since I've been here,
I had people saying,
"Stay away from her.
She's no good.
"She's the wrong class."
I ignored them.
I kept telling myself
everything's gonna work out...
once they know you, once they
find out how great you are.
And all along,
you were setting me up!
What did they give you
for the night in the park?
After that night,
I gave Graves his money back.
I told him I was out.
I didn't know about the photos.
Yeah, right.
That's why I said
I couldn't see you anymore.
-lt would've been too dangerous.
-I wish I could believe that.
I don't expect you to...or to
believe that I've missed you.
I wish we could still
see each other.
I was stupid. I was offered
an easy way out of my problems,
and I took it without thinking
about the consequences.
I don't know what to think.
I've been over my head here.
The only thing
I was sure of was you.
You were England to me, Miranda.
Come in.
You wanted to see me,
Your Majesty?
Yes, Gordon, I'd like something.
Anything, Your Majesty.
RALPH: Just an explanation.
I'll see what I can find out,
Your Majesty.
Maybe you can find out why it's
written in your handwriting.
I...don't know anything...
Don't worry.
It'll all come back to you.
-Good day, Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty.
-Got a second?
DUNCAN: Yes. It's been
a disturbing day, hasn't it?
RALPH: Yes, but that's
not why I wanted to see you.
I was thinking of something
you said to me once.
Most things go in one ear
and out the other,
but this stuck with me somehow.
You said you were nervous
when you first decided on me,
or something like that.
-Did I say that, Your Majesty?
-Yes, you did.
It's the word "decide"
that got me thinking.
-Did it, Your Majesty?
-Yes, it did.
-I'm the king, right?
-Yes, indeed.
And as my assistant
private secretary,
you are sworn to give me
whatever information...
I might need, aren't you?
-Yes, Your Majesty.
-All right, then, Phipps.
'Fess up.
You wanted to see me,
Your Majesty?
Yes, Ced. Come on in.
RALPH: Have a seat.
I've been talking to Dunc
about something he said to me,
and it came out that
maybe there was another guy...
in line for the throne
besides me.
Is that true, Ced?
I'm afraid it is, Your Majesty.
Was his claim as strong as mine?
Almost, yes.
His great-grandfather had
an unfortunate evening...
with a parlor maid.
-So he was English?
Then why wasn't
he chosen over me?
He begged to be let off.
He insisted that
he was undeserving...
of such an exalted position.
In other words,
you just couldn't face it.
Yes, Your Majesty, I couldn't.
CEDRIC: I didn't feel worthy,
and I have no children
to continue the line.
So I swore Phipps to silence...
and decided to stay on
as your private secretary.
Why? So you'd pick up
a few pointers just in case?
I was determined to help you
do the job so well...
that " just in case"
would never arise.
It's easier to whisper
advice from cover...
than to risk its merit
at the point of attack.
I am sorry, Your Majesty,
both for my deception
and my cowardice.
I ought to be pissed,
but what the hell.
I had nothing else going.
I didn't get shot.
Plus, you are a relative.
Thank you, Your Majesty,
for your tolerance.
Phipps, call the Prime Minister.
I want to address Parliament.
GRAVES: My lords,
members of the House of Commons,
His Majesty, Ralph l,
by the grace of God,
king of the United Kingdom...
of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland...
head of the Commonwealth,
defender of the faith.
Please be seated.
My lords and members
of the House of Commons,
I know it's unusual for a king
to address Parliament,
but I have some things to say,
and I must say them firsthand.
As you all know, I've made
some terrible mistakes lately--
mistakes which
have shamed England...
and cost its workers
some badly needed jobs.
I have no excuse for my actions.
I know I can't undo
what's been done.
I can only try
to make up for it somehow.
With that in mind,
I placed a call last night...
to King Mulambon of Zambezi.
I am happy to be able
to announce that Zambezi...
will begin full production
of Africa's first car...
by the end of the year,
and in a deal worked out
with Prime Minister Hale,
all of the engines will be built
right here in England.
Good thing we had him around.
The plan calls
for the opening...
of three new plants
in the northeast.
In addition, Zambezi wants
to buy &200 million worth...
of English heavy equipment...
to help in the mining of
their vast national resources.
As happy as I am about all this,
it doesn't make up
for my shortcomings as a king.
I have done my best
to learn the ways of royalty,
to try to be the kind of king
you could be proud of.
But I'm afraid my best
will never be good enough.
Too often, my personal instincts
conflict with my obligations.
For that reason, I have decided
to give up my throne.
But before I go, there are some
things I want to set straight.
Ever since I became king,
a member of this house
has worked to discredit me,
hoping that his family
would return to the throne.
The so-called scandalous
photographs you heard about...
were taken and delivered
to the king of Finland...
by a man working
for Lord Percival Graves.
This is an outrage,
a vile piece of slander!
I demand to knowthe source
of these accusations!
We have the confession of
a royal page, Gordon Halliwell,
who worked with Lord Graves.
I know no such man.
And several checks made out
to the photographer,
signed by Lord Graves,
whose fingerprints were also
on the photographs.
So? I sawthem at the ball.
RALPH: Scotland Yard found
the negatives in his house.
By what right
can you order my arrest?
By the Treason Act of 1702...
forbidding interference with the
proper succession of a monarch,
enacted by--
Charlie, Charlie, James again.
William III.
CROWD: Shame! Shame!
That's right!
String him up, wanker!
I didn't bring this out
to defend my behavior,
but when I embarrassed England,
it was unintentional.
Graves did it deliberately.
This is where my notes run out.
I'll wing it from here.
When I first came here,
I hardly knew where England was,
but over the last couple of
months, something has changed.
I'll always consider myself
an American,
but I've come to feel
like I'm English, too.
I now realize how important
a king can be to his people...
if he's the right man.
I'm too set in my ways
to ever be that man.
As an Englishman, I want all
of us to have a king we deserve.
For that reason, tomorrow
I'm turning over the throne...
to Cedric Charles Willingham.
You'll be glad to know
he's also a Wyndham...
and a better, more qualified man
than any nation could hope for.
And so to him
I pledge my allegiance.
Long live Cedric l,
by the grace of God,
king of the United Kingdom...
of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland,
head of the Commonwealth,
defender of the faith.
God save the king.
ALL: God save the king!
I can't help it.
I'm going to miss him.
CEDRIC: And one last thing.
There's been some discussion,
and the Chancellor
of the Exchequer...
has suggested for your approval
a healthy annual income...
and a house in the country
befitting your status.
RALPH: I don't know. I think
I should stay out of royalty.
CEDRIC: You wouldn't have
any official obligations,
and I'm having
this house equipped...
with its own recording studio.
Maybe I should give this
a little more thought.
I think so. After me, you're
still the only Wyndham left,
and there's still the matter
of your investiture.
Well, I guess
that about does it.
I know you'll do
a hell of a job.
You got the breeding,
you got the know-how.
You've practically
been king already.
You'll probably have to work
on your dancing, though.
And feel free, you know,
to change the decor.
Just a dab here and there.
Anyway, I want to thank you
for everything you did for me.
I couldn't have made it
without you.
And you, too, Dunc and Tommie.
It's I who should
be thanking you.
You showed me howto be a king.
Me? I was a lousy king.
On the contrary.
You are a good and decent man,
and you've acted honorably.
I shall try to follow
your example.
Thank you, Ced.
RALPH: Don't forget the crown.
You'll want to practice wearing
it to get used to the weight.
-So long, Tommie.
-Good luck, Your Majesty.
-So long, Dunc.
-Good-bye, Your Majesty.
So long, Your Majesty.
[Women talking softly]
Excuse me.
What do you say
we start over again?
MAN: Sir Ralph Jones.
I proclaim you
Ralph Hampton Gainsworth Jones,
third duke of Warren.
Duke, duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl
Duke, duke, duke of Earl,
duke, duke
As I walk through this world
Nothing can stop
the duke of Earl
And you, you are my girl
And no one can hurt you
No, no
Yes, I know I'm gonna love you
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl
'Cause I'm the duke of Earl