Kiss Me Goodbye (1982) Movie Script

- Kay... Where are you?
- I'm in here.
Honestly Kay, if I live to
be a hundred...
...I will never get used to these
365 degree turns of yours.
Oh, thanks for coming mother.
Darling, you sure you want to
open this place again?
- Positive.
- It's been five years.
- Three years.
- Well, whatever, it...
It's a big decision to make fast.
- It could be a shock.
- It's just a house mother.
It is more than that and
you know it.
It's part of your life.
That part is over and done with.
And you suddenly decide,
after what's his name...
...has chased you like a hound for
two years... marry that gravedigger.
His name is Rupert, and he is
not a gravedigger...
- He's an Egyptologist.
- I don't care what he says he is.
He scrapes in the ground for dead
people, and that's a gravedigger.
Be careful with this.
The work is priceless.
- Hey watch that corner!
- God.
- We're fine.
- I do not believe this.
This stuff's been Egypt for
four thousand years.
It arrives here the week I'm
supposed to get married.
It could not have been planned
any better.
You're nervous, aren't you?
Of course I'm nervous. That's the
whole point of getting married.
I'm also very...
Excited, though.
- In my office, and this one too.
- You got it.
Ask me, you're
making a big mistake.
Marriage is the pits.
You used to be a priest. Is that
what you used to tell people.
No, that's what they
used to tell me.
Kay and I are very much in love.
And we are two intelligent,
conpatible adults.
We like same things, we
do the same...
It doesn't matter that you like
the same things.
What matters is that you spend
your money on the same things.
You must have been a very cynical
Oh, God, I gotta hurry
and meet Kay.
This house and marriage. Hope it's
not gonna end up like the turtles.
What turtles?
Those turtles you'd always convince
your fater to buy for you... the circus or...
Or wherever.
That same kind of inpulse is at
work here.
But who ended up feeding them
those smelly dried-up old flies?
- You did.
- Yes, I did.
You lost you
interest right away.
You're not going to be feeding
my husband smelly, dried-up flies.
Well, I should hope not. As his
wife, that'll be your job.
I've been in limbo for three years,
Mother, ever since Jolly died.
I just want to start to live again.
I know darling, I know. But why
in this house?
Because it's my house
and I love it.
What does Rupert say to that?
- I haven't told him yet.
- What?
I haven't told him yet.
But I will.
And I'm sure he'll love the idea...
...and we'll both live here
very happily.
I want you to be happy, dear. You
know that more than anything.
It's just that, well, as your
mother, I feel it's... duty to point out all the
negative aspects of the situation.
Thanks, mother.
Emily? Have you seen Jolly?
He got a cab right behind mine.
- Hello? Anybody home?
- Emily?
- Hi.
- Hello.
Thanks for coming.
I know you're busy.
The magazine can live without me
for an afternoon.
Oh, anyway, I wanted to bring you
the proofs of your Chelsea article.
- Did you like it?
- Yes.
I love this place.
Oh! I'd forgotten how elegant
it was.
- How elegant it is.
- Is.
- Hi, Emily.
- Charlotte.
Can you believe she wants to go
through with this just...
...before the wedding?
- Oh, look at this dust.
Soot. The country has dust.
New York has soot.
It brings back such memories.
This elegant room. Oh,
this window. I forgot.
It looks right into the garden.
What is the matter with you, boy?
There's nothing there.
I'd like to start by thanking Hal
Prince and Steven Sondheim...
...for not producing a play on
Broadway this year.
And surely, the impaccable Jenny,
stage manageress without peer.
Where is she?
Thank you for everything,
...holding my hand, finding my keys
and telling me my zipper was open.
And, finally, the one person whom
I couldn't have gotten through...
...the show, the rehearsals
or any of it.
My darling Kay.
The night is yours and
I love yo...
Was this always here?
- Was what always there?
- This wall. Was it always here?
- Yes, mother. It was always there.
- Well, I don't remember it.
It was always there. It was always
kind of flat like that and...
...held the building up.
- Whatever.
It's going to take some kind of
work to make this place what it was.
No. No, it's not going to be what
it was.
I'm, I'm going to change
everything... Top to bottom.
New wallpaper, new furniture, new
- What?
- Are you allright?
I'm fine. I'm fine...
I... just have to get my bearings.
Come on Shakespeare.
I think it's great that she decided
to come back and face this place... start doing things again.
- Oh, so do I.
But why not start with a simpler
hobby... needlepoint or...
Or analysis?
Is Rupert here yet?
No, not yet.
He said he'd be here
at four o'clock.
He's probably playing with those
dead Arabs.
Mother... It's his job. Please
be a little tolerant of him.
- He's such a nerd.
- He's not a nerd.
Where did you learn that word?
Well, it just came out
when I met him.
Nerd. Just like that from my lips.
- I like Rupert.
- Well, then you marry him.
Rupert is a fine, intelligent man
and we're going to be married.
Why couldn't you have found
another man like Jolly?
Mother, please don't
start this again.
He was so handsome and...
And charming... And...
- Dead!
- And he loved this house.
He did not love this house mother.
He hardly noticed it.
"Home, Sweet Home" to Jolly was
room service in any...
...hotel in a town with a theatre.
Charlotte, do you think we might
scrape together...
- ...a cup of instant coffee?
- Why not?
I didn't have any lunch today.
- You're late.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- You okay?
- Sure.
Why does this dog hate me so much?
He doesn't hate you.
He likes yo...
Yeah, I can tell.
He's wagging his fangs.
Oh, honey.
So this is the place, hmm?
Oh, it's just yo...
Just me.
Lovely hat. Are... Are
batteries included?
Hey, Emily. God, this place
is fabulous, isn't it?
- You like it?
- Who wouldn't?
Look at this banister.
- What?
- That's Santiago nabogany.
It's impossible to find today.
- Can I go upstairs?
- Sure.
This molding is incredible.
- Did you tell him?
- I will.
Do you know what it would cost to
build a place like this today?
- Do you like it?
- Like it? I love it.
I love it almost as much as
I love yo...
Let's get married here.
Well... Here, in this house?
Why not? It's our house.
- Another snap decision.
- I think it's a fabulous idea.
- What about the club?
- Cancel.
- Can't do that, Kay.
- Why not?
Well, they went to all this trouble
to fit us in at such a short notice.
So what? This house would be a
beautiful place for wedding.
Absolutely perfect.
What do you say?
- I think it's irresponsible.
- Rupert!
- Loosen up.
- Please.
Do it, Rupert.
Well, okay. Why not? I guess. I
don't know.
Then it's all settled.
I don't have any address book.
And I've got to get to a telephone.
I'll need something different
to wear if it's going to be here.
You happy?
Yes, I'm happy.
This is your mothers guest list.
Well I see, in deference to limited
space, she's agreed to leave out...
...the Third World nations.
My mother is a little excited.
It's my first wedding, remember?
- Oh, yes, that's right. You and...
- Jolly.
Jolly. You and Jolly eloped.
That's right.
Gosh, I haven't been in this place
in years.
It's good to have you alone.
- Honey...
- Do you know...
- Say it.
- Go ahead. No, yo...
I just...
...well, I wanted to talk to you
about something.
- Me too.
- Well, go ahead.
I just have a very important
question I would like to ask yo...
- About what?
- Kay? Kay Villano.
Michael. Michael!
- I can eat you alive. Look at you.
- Yeah, look at yo...
You look great! It's been years.
- Let at me you. You look terrific.
Oh, thank you.
What are you doing?
I just got the new Prince show
and I go to Boston!
Oh Michael that's fabulous!
I'm so excited for you!
Look, I'm gonna call you when I get
back in town.
- Okay.
- And we're gonna have lunch.
- Okay?
- Yes.
- Bon appetit.
- Thank yo...
- Scusa. Ciao.
- Bye.
What a guy.
Michael Mennsinger. Fabulous
dancer. You'll just love him.
No doubt.
Anyway... I was saying before...
...that I'm just a little...
Well, scared.
- Rupert.
- But... No, no. About...
Is that you honey?
- Kay!
- Mark!
Mark! Oh, God!
How are you? It's been three years.
- Has it been three years?
- Old friends.
- It has! It has been three years.
- God you look better than ever.
- Thank yo...
Let's sneak outta here and go find
ourselves a nice little restaurant.
Oh, she's engaged.
Well, then we'll find ourselves a
loud restaurant.
- Oh, you...
- You come too.
Kay, kid, I got a show to do.
- Bye.
- So good to see yo...
- Oh, so good to see you.
- Bye.
Mark Lewis.
Just a wonderful dancer.
Yeah? Don't you know any bad
dancers? Besides me, I mean.
- Honey, are you jealous?
- Jealous? Why?
Just because you're standing up in
the middle of a... making out
with strangers?
- Don't be silly.
- They're not strangers.
Well, they are to me.
- You're so funny.
- Thanks.
- I've been thinking...
- What?
Would you like to move
into house?
- That house?
- Yes, that house.
- Well, I don't know.
- But you said you liked it.
- Yeah, I know, I know but I was...
- Kay.
Roscoe and Roland!
I can't believe it!
- So good to see you.
- I don't think you're dancer too?
No, I'm just effeminate, thank yo...
Roscoe and Roland, gimme a hug.
One from you and one from yo...
- Gee!
- Scallops. I love 'em.
- Well, you can't have any.
- No, you can't have any.
- You look terrific!
- Thank you. I...
What are you doing?
We just got off the road
"Sophisticated Ladies."
New act together.
- So come and see it.
- Roscoe and Roland.
- Well, I will. "Roscoe and Roland."
- I wouldn't miss it.
- You're gonna be there. Soho.
- Okay, I'll be there. Bye.
- We'll look for yo...
Okay, we'll see yo...
Would anyone else like to make out
with my fiancee?
- Last call.
- Sit down and eat you scallops.
Kay, why didn't you introduce me
to any of them?
Well, I wanted to. They just all
went to by so fast.
What do you think about the house?
You see Kay, this is exactly what
I'm talking about.
There's a whole part of your life
that I don't know anything about.
There's a whole part of your life
that I don't know anything about.
But it's boring.
It doesn't scare you. You're
life scares me and I think...
...that in a healthy marriage,
fear should be equal.
You don't want to
move into the house.
- Well, do you?
- Yes I do.
You could have the third floor and
the rehearsal hall for your...
...research and I could have the
second floor and the, the study...
...I could turn that into a little
work area for myself, because...
...I've been thinking that I ought
to go back to my writing...
...and I could more articles for
Emily's magazine.
It's a wonderful place and it's
gonna be fixed top to bottom.
It's beautiful. You said that. And
we'd never find another place...
- You've been thinking about it.
- Yes, I've been thinking about it.
And you really have your
heart set on it?
Yes I do. I really do.
Okay, fine.
- I love you.
- That's fine.
One more step.
- Right behind you.
- Okay.
Come on Shakespeare. Come on.
Come on.
- Watch out.
- Kay! Kay!
Your mother driving me mad, Kay.
Well, pretend she's your mother and
ignore her.
You're doing a wonderful job. Would
you put the dog in the kitchen?
Here you go. Thanks a lot.
Wait a second.
Okay. Here.
Oh, hello mother. I'll be down
in a minute.
Yes but...
Okay, right. Come on.
- You got it?
- Let's go.
Whoops. Excuse me.
- Move that way.
- You got it?
- I got it.
You're okay.
All right. Let's go.
- Let's move.
- All right. All right.
Hi Shakespeare.
It's an illusion boy.
It's an illusion.
Emily warned me. She said to me.
She said...
...if I moved back in the house
certain, certain memories...
...would come back and...
...if I face them...
If I face them, they will...
...go away.
I will open my eyes now and this
particular illusion will be gone.
Not bad for a dead man.
Aren't you going to say hello?
- You're not here.
- Yes I am.
No you're not. You're dead.
- Yeah.
Dead. Yeah, well, I can't argue
with that.
You're not here. He's not here.
It's all right. He's not here.
You're dead. I know you're dead
because I'm a widow.
And I've been widow for three
years. I saw your body.
Everybody saw your body downstairs.
Everybody saw it.
Listen was that, was that
profile or full face?
I should've listened to my mother.
She said this would happen.
I shouldn't have rushed into all
of this.
I'm in here two days and
I'm insane.
All right now.
You just, just calm down.
- Okay?
- Okay.
You see it's not that complicated.
- Oh, it's very simple.
- Right. Just let me explain.
- Yes, please do. Fast!
I'm, uh, I'm what you, uh,
might call a, um...
...a ghost.
Well, that clears it all up.
Oh, now listen calm down.
Pardon me if having a conversation
with my dead husband happens to...
...upset me a little bit.
You always got mad like this if you
didn't understand something.
I hardly ever got mad like this!
- How about the car?
There he goes.
He brings up the car. This is...
Then you pick up something
and throw it at me.
I'm gonna throw this book
at yo...
Oh my god!
That's me.
Why are you here?
I live here.
We're moving back in.
My fiancee and I.
Oh, terrific.
That's fantastic.
We, we, we could probably,
share utilities.
I will insist on my own phone
- Do something.
- Excuse me?
Do something.
Make a lamp move or
something disappear.
No, no, no, no.
I don't work like that.
No cheap tricks. Conjure rabbits,
stuff like that? Junk.
You see, I'm a, I'm a mental image
not a physical one.
I see. I see.
What are you doing here?
I died here.
And your spirit is trying to
get out.
Wha...? With the New York rents
like they are? You must be mad.
How long are you planning to stay?
- Here?
I mean, are you, are you gonna,
I mean...
- Oh, you mean the weekend.
- Yeah.
- The wedding.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- Oh, good.
You look sensational.
So do you.
- Yeah?
- Kay, are you up here?
- Oh my God.
Oh my God. Be quiet. Be quiet.
We've gotta...
...hide you. Now sit in the chair.
- Sit in the chair!
- But listen. Uh, Kay...
- What?
I have the feeling you're not
listening to me.
- There you are.
- Hello mother.
Now, everything in here goes.
All this furniture.
And the new table go
against the wall in here.
Yeah. So take it all out.
That's right.
Everything goes.
Except that chair.
- You're keeping that chair?
- That ratty old chair?
- Yes I am.
- Don't be silly Kay.
She doesn't know what she's...
Look, take it away.
Don't... Touch... That... Chair!
Really Kay?
It has great sentimental value.
It does?
What sentimental value it does?
I'll tell you what sentimental
value it has.
My fiancee was born in it.
- What?
- Rupert. My fiancee.
He was born in that chair.
- How strange.
- Rupert never lived in this house.
Well of course he didn't.
I know that.
It comes from his mothers house.
He was born very near here.
Oh yes. It's a lovely family
They were all born in chairs.
Can you imagine? His mother
sitting there.
Knitting. Listening to the radio...
...and presto!
Out popped my fiancee.
Well, of course, he was much
younger then.
Shakespeare! No, no!
Shakespeare! No!
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
Mother. There you...
There you are.
That's my first husband.
Yes. There he is. God bless him.
He died three years ago.
- You think he's changed?
- Say something to him.
- I, I beg your pardon.
Go ahead mother. Say something
to him. He talks.
Um, he talks?
Yes mother. He talks.
So you might as well say something
to him.
How do you do?
What have you got? Brain camage?
You're talking to a picture.
No, no, no.
Not him.
- Who?
Honey, they can't see me and they
can't hear me either.
He said nothing lady.
Well, of course not, you big silly.
It's just a picture.
Gosh, guys can't you take a joke?
All right. Everything out!
Out, out!
- The chair too?
- The chair, too.
- Lady, are you sure?
- I'm sure.
- What about its sentimental value?
Oh mother, let's not get maudlin
about it.
Just because someone is born in
a chair. Big deal.
I bet someonewas born in all
these chairs.
That's right. Take it away.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Mush, mush!
Darling, I think you'd better
lie down.
- That's a good idea.
- Yes.
Billy, I'm sure they've hug the
paper upside-down.
Let's go. We put this in the truck
and I drop you off at the museum?
And you can talk to
all the pictures you want.
Ready dear? Let's go, huh?
- I'm starving.
- So am I.
Listen, why don't you two go on to
the restaurant without me.
There's just a few things I'd like
to finish up here.
Okay. See you there.
- Don't be too long.
- I won't.
Hello. You've reached the home of
Kay and Jolly Villano.
And as you probably can tell now,
we're not at home.
As a matter of fact, we don't know
where we are.
If you're here and I...
...wasn't dreaming before.
There's something I've got
to tell yo...
I've been thinking.
This Isn't good.
It's not right for you to
come back now.
Things are different.
There isn't room for yo...
What we had was nice.
It was wonderful.
But I'm getting married.
And things aren't the same.
I don't need you anymore, Jolly.
I don't believe I'm doing this.
Shakespeare, come on.
Vegatables, vegatables, vegatables.
Fresh and raw and lots of them.
That's the key, believe me.
Jolly was the one who conviced me
to become a vegetarian.
- Wonderful meal, Kay.
- Excellent, as always, Kay.
Thank you, Reverend.
After all, I could see what
vegetarianism had done for Jolly.
What a virile man.
Jolly, Jolly, Jolly.
Ah, well, this fellow here seems
pretty rock hard to me.
Honey, is that centered now?
- Yes dear.
- Yeah.
Jolly was so clever.
He used to have a maxim
about eating, you know.
I mean, he used to say...
"I never eat anything with a face."
That's right.
As I remember he was clever,
all right.
This is a wonderful house for a
wedding, don't you think?
You know I have a maxim about
what I eat, too.
Well, let's hear yours.
I never eat anything that
spoke French.
It's my rule. I don't care how long
a hostess slaved over a hot stove.
If it spoke French, forget it.
I won't touch it.
Is it straight now?
- Yes dear.
- Right.
Edgar is my fifth husband you know.
And I married you to three of them.
He made his life in construction.
I like to do things myself.
Still the best way.
What did I do with the nail?
No, no.
What's the matter?
There are spots on these glasses.
You've been watching too much TV,
Thank you honey.
I'll be right in.
Did you know that Jolly's...
...last show
is still running on Broadway?
It's the ninth longest running
show in the history.
You're just saying that
to bore us.
- I wasn't dreaming.
- It's the real thing.
I've been thinking...
- Thinking?
Yes! You can't stay here.
- Why not?
I get it. No reason at all.
Because I'm getting married
next Saturday.
We'll have a nenage a trois.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- I love yo...
Oh, God! Don't say that!
Don't say what?
- Don't say "I love you."
Why not?
Don't say "I love you" with dirty
dishes in your hands.
It takes all the romance out of
it for a lady.
Put the dishes down first.
Now say it.
- I love yo...
You see how much better that was?
This is gonna be laughs.
I don't know what I'm gonna do if
your mother doesn't stop...
...talking about that dead
husband of yours.
- She's very fond of him.
- Yes, and she hadwonderful taste.
Jolly this, Jolly that.
How could a grown man go walking
around with a name sounding... a breakfast cereal?
Yes, he does have a certain charm.
Yeah, certainly does.
But he's not for yo...
- No? Well then who is?
- Me.
Handsome, charming...
And dead.
You're always one to pick out those
little imperfections in everything.
But I still love you.
- I told you not to say that.
Does... Does he say that?
Who? Oh him! Of course.
Of course he does! All the time.
I mean, like, like I say it.
No, not really.
You said it real good sometimes.
Go away.
Rupert, darling.
Let's start discussing plans for
the big event.
That's a very good idea.
Yes, you've become so very
efficent, my love.
Yes, now I'd like to get this
thing straight.
You don't think it's straight?
No, no... Not you. The wedding.
You're right. It's not straight.
After all, it's not everyday that
you get married.
Although, in your case, you've
come very close.
- Kay and Jolly eloped.
- Ohh, Jesus.
I think that's a smart thing to do.
- Yeah, so do I.
- Well, it was fun.
- Where did ceremony take place?
- Yes, tell us all about it.
- Atlantic City.
I don't believe this.
- No.
- Honey, tell'em about the chapel.
Well, it... Oh all right.
We went to...
...the tackiest little wedding
chapel and the minister's...
...wife's the witness, and she kept
burping in the whole ceremony.
Don't forget about the midget
bellboy at the hotel.
- Yes. I amost forgot.
- You've heard this before?
Oh, yes, but the twelfth time is
the funniest.
There was this midget bellhop.
- Yeah.
I don't know if he was midget. He
was just a very short person.
And he spent the entire time
locked in the bathroom.
That Jolly.
He was so much fun!
- Yeah, I was, wasn't I?
- Yes you are. He was.
Okay that's enough.
I've had more than enough.
Jolly this, Jolly that.
I'm so goddmned sick of the guy
an I've never even met the jrk!
Well, at least he wasn't born
in a chair.
Look. I'm alive. He is dead
and gone.
- Dead but not gone.
- I take that back.
He's dead but he's not gone.
But I'm gonna get rid of him now.
Rupert, darling we're just talking.
It was just talk.
Kay, I'm not gonna be defeated by
a ghost.
Now if he were here, I would
confront him face-to-face.
Well, I wish he were here.
He'd punch you in the nose.
- You tell him mom.
- Would he really?
- Now! Is that straight?
- No!
- Kay, I just have one question.
- What?
And I'd like the answer
once and for all.
Do you want to live here? With your
mother and your dead husband...
...or do you want to marry me?
- I know what I'd say.
- Please keep out of this.
Well, really! I think
I shall the leave the room.
- That's a hell of an idea.
- Come, my love.
- Which is it Kay?
- Don't be too hasty.
I want to marry you.
I want to marry you, Rupert.
I love you. I love you to
the pieces!
I want to marry you and
I want to live in this house.
Happily ever after!
- That's all I wanted to hear.
Well, there you have it.
Let's get the details of the
goddmn wedding straightened out.
A match made in heaven.
I'm glad you're not angry at me.
No honey, really, it was my fault.
It's great making love in a room
for the first time, hmm?
- Yeah?
Do you ever think of anyone else
when we make love?
- No?
- Never.
Well, you know, images pop
into my head sometimes, but...
- Like who?
- It's dumb, Kay.
- Well, tell me.
- No, you'll laugh at me.
- No, I won't really.
- Yeah, you will.
Tell me.
- Guy Lombardo.
- Who?
Guy Lombardo, the bandleader.
- See, you're laughing.
- No, no I'm not.
I'm not laughing.
Well, the first time I ever did it
was at this, New Year's Eve... at my parents house.
And the caterers daughter
seduced me.
And, well, it just so happened
that the Tv was on at the time...
...and the climatic moment...
...Guy Lombardo came on.
Does he think of the
Royal Canadians?
Do you think of
the Royal Canadians, too?
No. I'm not into group sex.
Do you ever think of anyone?
- No!
Just asking.
I mean no, honey. I don't.
You busy?
- Yes!
- Yes?
Honey, relax please.
- Yes honey, relax.
- I'm relaxed.
Well, then unclench your fists.
Big deal. Big deal.
- I love you so much.
- Is he good?
I mean, you know, is he better
than me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
I find it hard to believe.
Am I disturbing you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
I'll just shut off the lights then?
- Oh God! Let me do it!
Okay. Can I watch?
Oh, no honey. I wasn't
talking to yo...
I was just jabbering away
in ectasy.
"Jabbering away
in ectasy." That's good.
Kay, I love you so much.
You know, I never liked the little
things here.
- I love every part of you.
- These ugly little blue things.
I love your shoulders.
- Where the hell did we get these?
- And your breasts.
They're my Aunt Edna's.
- What?
- What?
- What did you say?
- Nothing.
I was jabbering away again.
- Yeah? In ecstasy.
In ecstasy. Right.
That's what you say when you're in
ecstasy? "They're my Aunt Edna's."
Well, how do I know what a woman
says at a time like that, or this?
Well, personally, I can't wait to
hear what you have to say...
...when you reach the climactic
- Rupert! Just make love to me.
- I'm trying.
Okay, okay.
- What are you doing?
- Checking for signs of life.
- I love it.
- Wait. Yes. Yes I see.
Dilation of the pupil. You're
alive. She's alive doctor.
Rupert! Get your finger out of
my eye!
Well, I finally got some kind
of response.
Rupert, listen to me.
There's something I've got to tell
and I want you to listen carefully.
Yeah, I want to hear this, darling.
Just a minute. Move over.
Oh my God.
Rupert, someone's watching us.
- There is? Where, where?
You can't see him.
- Oh, I get it.
- You do?
Sure. There's someone just behind
the armoire there. You see him?
That's not what I meant.
- Behind the chair, Kay.
- Rupert listen to me.
- He's got binoculars.
Rupert! That's not what I meant
when I said someone was watching.
- What the hell did you mean, Kay?
- Tell him sweetheart, tell him.
I have to something to tell you,
and it's...
...gonna change our
entire relationship.
Oh, God.
- Are you listening?
- I'm listening.
There's a ghost in this house.
There's a ghost right here in this
room with us now.
Are you having your period?
No, I'm not having my period.
Women don't go around seeing
ghosts when they have their period.
Do you believe that he has said
this to me?
God, that's exactly what I would
expect a man to say.
I'm a man, Kay!
Well, you don't have to go around
thinking like one, do you?
I can't believe it!
I'm trying as har as I can! He's
not even trying to listen to me.
I know. Just wait darling. Just
try the rational approach.
I mean, he is a scientist,
isn't he? He's a scientist.
Okay, all right. All right.
Rupert I know what you're thinking.
But please try to listen to me.
- I'm listening, Kay.
- All right.
I've been seeing for the past
few days... not a...
...figment of my imagination.
It's not just a memory or a
It's a real and substantial
manifestation of a person...
...who is no longer living.
Bravo! That's great! That's
fantastic, darling!
That's good.
- Thanks.
- I thought it's very good.
- Rupert, what are you doing?
I just told you I was in
contact with a ghost.
- Yes, you did.
- A ghost that I know.
A ghost that is right here in
this room with us now.
Don't just stand there
and agree with me!
I'm not agreeing with yo...
I'm just saying yes after
everything you say.
- You think I'm crazy.
- Yes, he does.
- I don't.
- Would you be quiet?
- What?
- What?
You were talking to the ghost.
Rupert. I didn't search him out.
He contacted me when I
reopened the house.
Tell me, exactly who is this...
Oh, no, let me guess. I bet he
did this with his feet.
I never did anything like that with
any part of my body. It's disgusting.
- It's Jolly.
- God help me.
Yes. Well, explain to him
that I live here.
He lives here.
- Because he died here.
- You told me.
What am I doing? I'm standing here,
talking about a ghost.
- Rupert!
- A ghost!
- Can't you prove yourself?
- What?
- What?
- What?
No, I was talking to Jolly.
Can't you prove yourself, Jolly?
Can't you move a chair or
make a noise or something?
- Yes, something. A vase.
- A vase.
- Yeah, I'm not picky.
- I told you no cheap tricks.
No cheap tricks.
Jolly, don't do this to me.
Kay, if you don't want to marry me
just say so.
It isn't that, I promise yo...
No big deal. It's only a marriage.
You should ask your mother. She
goes through 'em like Kleenex!
Probably runs in the family, hmm?
- Jolly, Say something. Jolly!
- Denise del Florio.
- What?
- Say quickly: Denise del Florio.
- Bye, Kay.
Denise del Florio!
What did you say?
- Denise del Florio.
- Why?
I don't know. Jolly just
told me to say it.
Well, what about her?
New Year's Eve.
- Caterer's daughter.
- Caterer's daughter.
New Year's Eve!
Caterer's daughter!
She is the one, isn't she?
Denise del Florio.
I can tell by the look on
your face, that's right.
How else would I have known her
name except that Jolly told me.
Thanks Jolly.
- That's all right, hon.
- Uh... Lucky guess.
- Lucky guess?
Denise del Florio is a lucky guess.
Not in a million years!
Okay, well, maybe I said it in my
sleep or something. I don't know.
Oh yeah, sure!
In between the Guy Lombardos.
Maybe I did, Kay.
Good night!
Well, that's a nerd.
Well, I guess I've sort of
complicated things.
- I guess so.
- I guess I should go.
Yes! You should go. Go away and
leave me alone.
- Forever.
- And ever.
There's just no room in your life
for me now?
- Okay, I'll go then.
- Do that.
Please don't go.
Five, six, seven, eight!
- Doctor Baines.
- Mr. King.
What are you doing here?
- Research.
Do you believe in ghosts?
My fiancee has a ghost.
Her first husband.
We're about to get married...
...she conjures
up the ghost of her dead husband.
Can you believe it?
- I believe it.
I don't believe it.
- Come on, let's go in.
- I gave back my key.
Key? What key?
Don't you remember?
- Break in?
Break in? Sneak in.
Right here.
- Here?
- Yes, just kick it.
- Yes, I remember this. Just...
Just a...
- Little jab.
Little jab.
This Rupert.
Did, uh, did you just chase him
like you chased me?
- Like I what?
- Chased.
I mean, I've had women set their
sights on me before but you... were desperate.
I was not desperate. I was
Little higher.
And for your information, Rupert
chased me.
- Was he determined?
- Desperate.
This, yeah. I mean you sure you
should marry him?
Well, of course I'm sure.
I'm almost sure.
I mean, you can never really be
sure about a thing like that.
No, I'm not sure.
Who the hell knows?
Why do you ask?
Her husband was a famous...
Jolly Villano.
I always wanted to be
able to dance.
Can you dance?
- That's pretty good.
- That's dmn good.
Well, let me, how,
how do you do that?
Hey, that's right, loosen up.
- What am I gonna do Henry?
- 'bout what?
About the ghost.
Maybe they should get a divorce,
like everybody else.
That's right.
You're a genius. A divorce!
That's brilliant.
A divorce!
Keep that left foot moving.
- You miss me?
- Of course, I miss yo...
I was married to you for six years.
But I got over yo...
You make me sound like a disease.
You are.
An incurable one.
What did you do when I died?
I buried you.
I thought.
- Were you sad?
- No.
I was never sad.
It's funny. First, you're too busy.
Too many things to do.
Too many details.
And then, I guess, it was like
three weeks later, maybe a month...
...I was sitting in my study and
I was reading something.
I don't know what it was.
It was just something I thought
you'd be interested in, and...
...and I got up.
And I ran towards your
rehearsal hall and...
...I stopped in
the middle of stairs.
And it wasn't until that minute...
...that I realized you were dead
and what that moment.
And... were sad.
- No I was angry.
- Angry?
At what?
At yo...
What did I do?
You died!
You went and died!
God I hated you for that.
I hated you for going off and
leaving me.
And just when I thought I had you
out of the way behind me, you...
...had to go and show up
here again.
I didn't, I didn't want to die.
Well, I wouldn't have
put it past yo...
You were always grandstanding
for attention.
It's just since you've moved back
in that he's appeared?
Since I reopened the house.
I think you and Rupert ought to
get away for a couple of days.
And in the mean time I can
ask my shrink what he thinks...
...we ought to do to get rid of
Emily, Emily!
You don't understand. I don't need
a psychiatrist. I've accepted him.
- Accepted who?
- Jolly.
I'm not asking someone to
make him disappear.
My problem is, I can't decide.
- Decide what?
Between them.
Rupert or Jolly.
- Kay?
- They have certain qualities.
Certain things about both of them
I like.
Together they make the perfect man.
I have to choose.
Kay, listen to me.
Jolly is dead.
Okay, that's one thing in
Rupert's favor.
He's alive.
Well, I've come to ask for some
advice about a divorce.
Trouble with your wife, eh?
No, no. No trouble at all. In fact
I'm not married.
- You're not.
- No, but I'm, I'm getting married.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
No, this is a divorce
for a friend.
- Someone you know?
- Very well.
My fiancee, in fact.
The one you're marrying
next saturday?
That's the one.
You see I want her to divorce her
first husband, then marries me.
That's good thinking.
- It's important to me.
- It's important to lots of people.
I don't care about them.
This may seem odd to you...
...but it's more of a hypothetical
divorce that I'm after.
Hypothetical divorce?
Right. I see... I want...
...her to divorce her first
husband to make a point.
What's the point?
Well, you see...
There's an aspect to this case you
probably didn't come across before.
Doctor Baines,
let me assure you, I have...
...come across every concaivable
twist to a divorce case.
Her first husband's dead.
I was wrong.
I had not come across everything.
It's an interesting twist,
don't you think?
You pay them good money to sit
there and laugh at yo...
Throw you out like you're
crazy or something.
My fiancee is seeing a ghost.
- I've had it!
They work by heat, not by push.
I know how they work. I've been
in an elevator before.
Dmn it.
- You've got no body heat.
I've plenty of body heat.
Just because I'm not a Broadway
dancer, you think I've no passion?
I have plenty of passion.
Here's some right now!
There, passion! Body heat!
Look at my feet.
- You went and made us a local.
- Oh give me a break.
So, what did she tell you
about this apparition?
- Excuse me.
- Just, that he's here and...
...she's confused.
Trouble? Already?
You're not even married yet.
Don't you have something to do?
Look, with you and the marriage and
this whole new life, this is...
...very pivotal time for her.
You're telling me?
What we need is a psychiatrist.
- Psychiatrist, already?
You're really pushing
this, aren't you?
- Listen, I'm just trying to help.
- I know.
Look, she needs you right now.
You have to-
No, no. Little boy you mustn't
sit on the chair.
Do you know why?
Cause this is priceless unique
piece of fine art form...
...another millenium.
And you are a not-quite-formed
piece of temporary plasmic...
...rubbish taking up space on this
already overcrowded planet.
Kendall. Keep an eye out for this
thing, will you please?
- Are you with someone?
- Yes.
Well, go find them.
Rupert, here's how I see it.
Now, you represent reality to keep
from going over the edge.
But she needs your reality to keep
from going over the edge.
I understand that, but what about
what are we going to do about him=
Oh, a "him" already?
- Accept him.
- Bust his a.
Will you mind your own business
Well, do you mean act as if he's
really there?
- Exactly.
- I can't do that.
- Rupert, you love her, don't you?
- Of course I love her.
I love her very much.
Well, all right then.
Does he have to sit in the front?
Yes, I get carsick in the back.
He get carsick in the back.
Carsick, huh.
I feel like your chauffeur.
We should buy him a cute
little hat.
What's so funny?
He says we should buy you a cute
little hat.
Come on Rupert. Loosen up.
You said we were going up here
to have some fun.
Yup, you're right. My fault.
This is a new beginning.
We should get to know
each other.
It's a glorious day and
I love yo...
Both. I love you both.
Oh, there's so much I want to
talk to you about. Ask yo...
- Yes, me, too.
- Him, too.
I think it's wonderful, the way
Rupert's accepting all of this.
- I think I'm pretty wonderful.
- I think you're pretty wonderful.
- Jolly thinks so too.
- Teriffic. That settles it.
I'm wonderful. All those in favor
say "aye".
- Aye.
Would you tell him to
act normal?
Jolly says, just act normal.
Absolutely right. That's exactly
what I intend to do.
If the three of us are going to
have a heathy relationship...
...we have to say the hell with
the rest of the world, push ahead.
How many? Two?
- That's right, three.
- Remember, totally normal.
Thank yo...
- Thank you.
- This is fine.
Thank yo...
One for him, too, please.
Is this table okay?
What did he say, Kay?
- He said it's fine.
- He's happy.
I'll be back in a minute to take
your order.
Rupert, I think we have to
try to act a little more...
...careful around other people.
Act? Who's acting? I'm not acting?
Are you acting?
No. Are you not acting, are you?
No, we're not acting. We have a
ghost living with us.
I think, it's very important
that we treat him like anyone else.
Are you ready?
- Yes, the lady will have...
- Coffee.
Honey, I thought you were starving.
Is that all you want?
- And you?
Nothing, thanks.
- What did he say, Kay?
- He said he's not hungry.
- Excuse me, I did...
- I didn't, I did...
Come on, it's on me. He gets
carsick easily.
That's way he has to sit up
front with me.
- Cheeseburger.
- Wonderful.
And I will have... The grilled...
...cheese plate.
That's right.
Tell me, how would he like his
- Medium-rare.
- Medium-rare.
- Hold on the onions.
- Hold on the onions.
That'll be fine, thank yo...
Well, that wasn't so painful,
was it?
So tell me, what's it like,
being dead=
Rupert. People are
beginning to stare.
Mom, mom! That' man's talking
to a chair!
Billy, if that man wants to talk
to a chair, it's his privilege.
- He's talkin' to a chair!
- No, you're mother's correct!
It's my privilege. This is America!
Many men have died horrible deaths
so that I could sit in this diner...
...and talk to the chair of my
So, turn around. Eat your food.
...thank God that we live in
this wonderful land, uh?
Grilled cheese, here.
Cheeseburger there.
How are we gonna arrange our time?
- What do you mean?
There's going to be times when
I'll want to be alone with yo...
There's going to be times when
I'll want to be alone with yo...
Him, too. I'm sure.
And you know...
...there's something
I'm anxious to know.
Is it possible for him to,
you know... familiar with you?
That must be very disappointing
for both of yo...
- Could we go?
- We haven't even eat our food.
There, okay. Now, shall we go?
Kay, these little things have to
be ironed out.
The wrinkles, Jolly, old boy?
He's starting to annoy me.
You're starting to annoy Jolly.
What did I say?
Isn't it beautiful?
Have you told Jolly this is
where we met?
- She told me.
- I told him.
Where did you find this
God-forsaken place?
Emily and I were on a trip.
Emily. I didn't thought you
didn't like the country.
I love country. It was you that
never liked the country.
That's why we never went to
the country, because of yo...
I always loved the country!
- You did?
- Yes, I did.
I guess I was kind of
self-centered at times.
- Yes you were.
- Well, I've changed.
I've changed. I mean, it is amazing
how death can change a man.
- Mrs.Reilly.
- Let me look at yo...
Rupert tells you'll get married.
And to think, you met here.
- Oh, violins please.
There's another young couple
staying here.
The Newmans.
On their honeymoon.
- There they are.
- They look adorable.
- Let's stick them on a cake.
- They are.
- Will you shut up!
- I beg your pardon?
Nothing, nothing.
Perhaps you could show us
to our room Mrs.Reilly...
...I'm really quite exhausted.
- Of course, dear.
Excuse me.
You two aren't making this any
easier for mw.
Well, I'm having fun.
So am I.
I love it.
This is ridiculous, Emily.
No, I'm through with this
silly charade.
Keep up the pressure.
It might take her snap out of it.
And it make me snap
out of it, too.
How long am I supposed to go
around ordering cheeseburgers...
...for my fiancee's dead
husband? He didn't even eat it.
You know, you have to be patient.
- I've lost my patience.
- Rupert.
Look, I've come up with my own
plan. It's a whole new tack.
It's the old fight-fire-wit-fire
I don't like the sound of your
voice at all, Rupert.
Emily, by the time we get back to
New York, this whole thing is...
...gonna be straightened out.
Will you believe me?
Look, just promise me you won't
do anything rash.
I'm not gonna do anything rash.
- Nightcap, sweetie?
- Love it.
- Oh, my God! It can't be!
- What?
- Oh, my God!
- What's the matter?
- I don't believe it.
- Are you all right, Dr. Baines?
- Rupert, what's the matter?
- It's Monica.
- Monica? Monica who?
- She's there.
- Where?
- In that chair.
- What chair?
- What are you talking about?
Right there. Right in front of you.
Can't you see her?
- Kay, can you see her?
- No.
- Surely, you can see her.
- Think I just can figure out.
- Wait! But you can't see her.
- I can't?
No. I just remembered.
- She's dead.
- Who's dead?
She is.
Is there somebody there?
- I don't. I don't see anybody.
- Who doesn't see anybody?
Who doesn't see anybody?
- He can't see her, Rupert.
- But I don't see "him".
- Kay, she's there. It's Monica.
- Monica who?
Darling, I think he's trying to
make a point.
Kay, she was the first woman I
ever loved.
My first love.
And, she died.
- I think I'm gonna cry.
- Just keep quiet.
We were in love. Engaged.
Well, why is it that you never told
me about here before?
But I didn't want to make you
feel jealous, darling.
- What?
- What?
- She tried to talk to me.
- What's she saying?
Wait. It's fainting. Monica
don't fade. Talk to me.
She's not going to fade because
there was never anyone there.
Honey, please don't stop him.
I' getting to like this.
You're the only person who can
have ghosts, right?
No, I'm not the only person whp
can have ghosts.
But I happen to know for a fact
there is no ghost there.
- Wait, I think I hear her.
- This, this one is great.
How do you know there's
no ghost there?
Because Jolly can't see her.
- Honey you're on.
- Who's Jolly?
- Her dead husband.
- Really?
- I think they are on drugs.
- It's like a Bronte novel.
It's like a comic strip.
- Don't fade Monica.
- Monica, my a.
- Don't talk about her like that.
- Stay out of this, dear.
Yeah listen to your husband,
And you! Quit that laughing!
That's all you do is laugh.
I think some nice hot tea would be
appropriate right now.
Yes, lovely. Lovely.
I can see right through you
...and don't you think
that I can't!
You just make her up because you
think you can fool me.
You're not making him up,
is that it?
- No, I'm not!
- No, she's not!
Darling, I think it's simple. I'm
a threat to his ego.
It's simple.
He's a threat to your ego.
Ego? Wait, wait. I had
one of those.
That was of course, that was
before I fell in love with yo...
I can't take any more of this.
- How did you take it this long?
- I think you should believe him.
- Stay out of their business!
This might happen to us, honey.
You'll be dead someday.
I don't want to talk about
my death on our honeymoon!
You see how silly all this is Kay?
- It's not silly.
- It's absurd.
- Even he admits that.
- Shut up. You're so slinical.
- What did you say to me?
- She said shut up.
You never did believe me did you?
This whole day, this whole trip
it was just one big joke.
- No joke, no.
- Humor the lady. That's the idea.
- Keep you sane in the process.
- Wait! Wait!
I think I hear Monica.
- There's no Monica, dumb btch!
- He called me a dumb btch!
You're a dumb btch!
If I let you out alone like this,
they're gonna lock you up.
- Piss off, you pompous a!
- What did you call me?
You heard me! Piss off,
you pompous a!
- What did you call me?
- You heard me.
- Pompous a, I believe.
- Some nice hot tea for everyone.
- Shove your nice hot tea!
- I beg your pardon?
Honey, I think I'd love
some hot tea.
- Well, you can't have any!
- I can't?
If you really love me the way you
say you do, you'd try to...
...understand what I'm going
through, instead of...
...trying to make fun of me.
But Kay, wait, No.
I'm trying to help yo...
I'm trying to make you understand
that your husband is dead and gone.
He's beginning to bore me.
I'm trying to make you understand
that you're trying to...
...find some way of avoiding to
make a commitment to me... using some damn corpse.
Now he's beginning to annoy me!
Now you're starting
to annoy Jolly again.
- Denise del Florio.
- What about her?
- Just say it.
- Denise del Florio.
Oh, don't bring up Denise
del Florio again please.
- He did not sleep with her.
- You did not sleep with her.
- Oh, I didn't?
- He was watching Guy Lombardo.
You were watching Guy Lombardo.
Guy Lombardo. I know him.
I know Guy Lombardo.
However, he found his father
in bed with her.
However, you found your father
in bed with-
He did?
You did?
Your father was in bed
with Guy Lombardo?
I never told anyone about that.
Oh, it won't get past that door,
I promise.
Oh Rupert, is it true?
Well, it's true but I never told
That's the most traumatic
moment of my life.
Oh, yeah?
Well you eat like a dmned horse.
- Your feet smell!
- My feet do not smell.
Do my feet smell?
- It's true.
- Well, scrw you too fella.
- Jolly's here.
Well, congratulations,
Rupert, old boy.
Don't give us any more
of that crap Mister.
Oh, did anybody ever told you,
you have a mouth like a sewer?
- I'll give you a sewer.
- I'm going back to New York.
- I'm gonna take the car.
- Fine.
- You can take a taxi.
- I'm going with her.
You can take a taxi with him.
- From Connecticut?
You're so cheap.
- Honey, I'm going with you.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- You're leaving me with him?
- I don't wanna be with you either.
I don't wanna be with any men.
- Rigt on sister!
- You know, this is ridiculous.
- You're ridiculous!
- I can't believe it is happening.
- It's happening.
This is ridiculous!
She was telling the truth!
Jolly's been here all along.
Oh, my God.
One please.
With everything?
- Want a hot dog?
- No, no thanks.
Do you think it could be
the devil?
Now you're opening a whole new
ball of wax here.
I mean that's very
dangerous stuff.
Well, the only reason I ask is
because you were a priest before.
I mean is it possible that
it's the devil?
That's a whole world I don't know
if I want to get into.
You... You must think I'm crazy.
Not crazy. You're just too
inquisitive about this.
This is private stuff.
- You do believe me then?
- I don't know Dr. Baines.
- Rupert.
- Rupert. It does exist.
It's called by, by many
different names.
Bartender another one of these.
- Let me pay for that.
- Make it double.
They call it Lucifer.
They call it Evil.
The Demon. El Diablo.
- Jolly?
- What?
That's what this spirit is
called. Jolly.
The demon is called Jolly?
Can you handle it?
- I don't know Dr. Baines.
See, my powers... My touch...
Technically... always have them.
See once a priest,
always a priest.
But they can go on, you know?
It's like, a season you've got it,
then the next spring, presto, gone.
There's no guarantee with
this kind of thing.
I understand that. I just
want you to try.
You don't know what you might
be getting into.
- I'm willing to pay you.
- You are.
- Handsomely.
- Handsomely?
I love Kay, Hugh.
I'll do anything not to
lose her.
- You think I'm crazy?
- I don't think you're crazy.
What do you call a woman who's
being married in less than...
...twenty four hours and can't
decide between dead husband... a live fiancee?
- Extremely confused.
Very extremely confused.
- Crazy.
You want my advice?
Go through with the wedding.
- Suppose I go...
- Look. You love Rupert, don't you?
Yes, I love him.
- Okay.
- I think.
I just don't want to spend my
whole life comparing him or...
...sharing him with Jolly.
It's not fair to him. It's not
fair to either one of them.
I think the three of
us ought to... and me and Jolly should
have a little confrontation.
Confrontation about what?
Get him back here. Call him up
or whatever it is you do.
Just do it when I'm there.
There are some things we
should talk about.
- What things?
- Trust me.
- Got to redo my hair.
- Kay, where have you been.
Do you know what time is it?
You're never gonna be ready.
- Yes I am.
- Kay?
There's a short circuit somewhere
in this house.
- Why don't you get an electrician?
- I am an electrician.
- Where's Rupert?
- He's coming.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
Something happened on
that trip to country.
Nothing happened.
- You had a fight, didn't you?
- Mother we didn't have a fight.
We had a slight misunderstanding,
that's all.
But he's apologized many times and
everything is just fine.
I can see that.
Would you relax? Love
your dress.
Okay, this is it.
- All right?
- If you see a spirit do this.
- What does that do?
- It gets then soaked.
Look, remember whatever you do
nobody's supposed to...
...know about you, okay?
- Right.
- Be very nonchalant.
- I got ya.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Agnes dei qui tolis
pecata mundi.
For God's sake, that's what you
call being nonchalant?
Oh, sorry.
- Good evening Dr. Baines.
- Hi.
Everything's ready
for the rehearsal.
- Rehearsal?
- Big wedding rehearsal.
Oh, the wedding rehearsal.
- Where's Kay?
- She's upstairs, changing.
If you'll excuse me...
- Okay.
Nice dog. Roll over.
Play dead for about a year.
I found it, I found it.
Oh, hello, Rupert.
I found the short circuit.
Charlotte! Charlotte!
I found the short circuit.
It's up in the attic.
Well, it's about time.
Who is he?
- Who?
That man.
Oh, that man is the building
- What building inspector?
- The official building inspector.
You don't expect to move back into
a building unless it's inspected.
Charlotte. I'll get up there
and work quickly.
Oh, hello inspector.
See this wall?
It's a well-made wall.
A good wall.
- Everything running smoothly?
- Fine.
- No problems?
- None.
Charlotte. Get me my flashligt.
- What flashlight?
- Well, it's in the kitchen.
- Well you get it.
- No I have work to do.
I've got work to do.
You haven't the faintest idea
of what you're doing.
Oh, yes I do.
Almost done now.
Mother! Reverend Hollis is here.
God! The Reverend's here already!
Charlotte, the light, please.
Bring back to light.
I'm stuck!
Jolly says he only appeared because
I wanted him to.
Is that true? Do you think
you wanted him to appear.
I don't know.
Maybe. If so why did I wait until
now, three years later...
...and the week I'm supposed to
get married.
I don't know.
But maybe it's...
It's called timing, my love.
One of my assets as a performer.
Timing was always one of your
best assets.
- Is he here?
- Yes, he's over there.
- Where?
- He's on the bed.
- Hello, Emily.
- Jolly says hello.
Oh, hello Jolly.
- God, she looks old.
- Jolly says you look wonderful.
I wish I could say
the same about him.
She doesn't believe in me,
you know.
Well, she says she's giving us
the benefit of the doubt.
Yes. Well, I believe you're
getting the benefit and...
...I... The doubt.
- What are you doing?
- Just looking.
The book says that the spirit
can inhabit any object.
Aninate or inaninate.
Even an animal.
What's in here?
- This is Jolly's rehearsal hall.
- Jolly?
There he is. That's him.
God, help us.
- Go back, you son of a btch!
- Don't provoke him.
Let's get out of here.
Good luck.
Excuse me. Why is she so anxious
to talk to me?
He wants to know what you want
to talk to him about.
Just some things I wanted to
Things that I thought
might interest Kay.
Yes, what sort of things?
For instance, is there guilt
after death?
Why, there's no guilt
before death.
And whether or not he can have
affairs in his new state.
I don't know. I never
thought to ask.
Oh, well. Nothing's
changed, obviously.
- What do you mean by that?
- Come on, Kay.
When he was alive, fine.
Kid yourself all you wanted.
But now that he's dead, face it.
Wha-I don't what are you
talking about?
- I'm talking about his affairs.
- Affairs with who?
Whom, darling.
Affairs with whom.
All right, whom.
Affairs with whom?
- With me, for one.
- Good for openers.
You had an affair with her?
- It... Uh...
You had an affair with my
best friend?
Emily. You had an affair with
my husband?
I am not proud of it. But I was
just a drop in bucket.
Bucket? You had a bucket
of lovers.
Bucket. I mean, that's not a word
that I would have chosen.
Come off it, Kay.
What did you think he was doing
on the road with all those shows?
I, uh, she's exaggerating.
Do you remember how he used to
choose one young dancer...
...and murture her career?
- Is that what you did? Every show?
- Not every show.
And what show were you in? Or were
you part of the inermission?
That's about exactly what it was.
An intermission.
And then, back home to Kay.
- Who else?
- This is hardly fair.
Who else? I want to know.
You can start anywhere you like.
Alphabetically, in order of...
...appearance, I really
don't care which.
There was Janine.
Janine? Sweet little Janine.
Why, she was just a child.
- No, she wasn't.
She wasn't old enough to have a
working permit!
- I never thought to ask.
- I don't believe this.
No, no. I don't believe this.
- Stop lying to yourself.
- No. I'm not lying to myself.
Kay, you knew about his reputation
before you married him.
It went ahead of
him like a parade.
- No. No, it didn't.
- Parade? Parade.
Did you honestly, honestly think
marriage was going to change him?
Yes! Yes, of course I did.
All right. All right. Now, wait a
There were times when I
had this feeling...
...but I didn't want to
think about it.
I didn't want to think about it then.
I just don't believe any of this.
I don't believe it.
Who else, you rotten son of btch?
Who else did you sleep with?
So far you've slept with everyone
you've ever had a meal with!
Mother, dear.
- Who are you talking to?
- Emily.
You slept with every man you ever
had a meal with?
- Well, not every man.
- Not every meal.
- No, no. That's right.
- Certainly not breakfast or lunch.
- Just dinners.
- At restaurants.
I think we should
begin the rehearsal.
- Great idea.
- Great idea.
Bridesmaid, indeed!
- I haven't finished with you yet.
- Yes.
- That's fine.
- Okay I'm ready.
- Well, where's Rupert?
- Rupert!
Here. Here I am.
Fine. Now. Kay.
Coming downstairs is fine but... will end up on, on my right
...Rupert on my left.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You do understand this is
only a rehearsal.
Will he be asking "Are
there any objections?"
- By the way, you do have the ring?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- And the license?
- What?
There's just a something I have to
straighten out before...
...we go any further.
- What?
- Wait here, I'll be right back.
- Me, too.
False alarm.
Charlotte, come and have some
Hello, hello out there, hello.
I know you're here.
Hello, hello out there.
- Hello. Is that you?
- Of course, it's me.
My God, it's in the dog.
Could you help me to
get out of here?
- Is it the form you usually take?
- Hey, I'm stuck here.
What's it like where you come from?
- Where I come from?
This is fascinating.
Is there much pain there?
- No pain but it's uncomfortable.
- How about fire?
- None.
There's no fire.
Everything is just fine.
There were some sparks before,
but no fire.
This is incredible.
Why are you here?
I'm here for the wedding,
you idiot.
Will you put that thing down?
You're always playing with something.
My God. You have the attention span
of very small child.
- Kay, darling...
- God. Don't "Kay, darling" me.
That's what you always do to me.
I've always hated it.
Every time you would do something
outrageous you would...
...turn to me and say
"Kay, darling."
I hope what Emily said up there
didn't confuse yo...
Confuse me? Confuse me?
Why, no.
I was already so
confused on my own.
You know we did have a
great life together.
Yes we did. We had a great
life together.
You realize of course I'm going to
have to remove you...
...with the power of Almighty God.
- I don't care what you use.
Just get me the hell out of here.
I found him. He's downstairs.
- I found him. He's in here.
- The spirit?
- He's in the dog.
- The dog?
- The dog.
- Of course.
That's why he's hated me
so much.
Good luck.
- I'm leaving.
- You're leaving?
And now, I'm the bad guy.
The villain with the black hat.
- You don't like that, huh.
- No, not very much.
Leading man, hero, that's more
my style, don't you think?
That's too bad.
I'm casting this one.
So you've switched me to
playing the heavy.
I haven't switched you
to anything.
But for three years I've
been the hero.
Yes, you were. Because
that's all I could see.
That's all I could remeber
about you...
...were the good things and
the good times.
And now suddenly, you've
come face to face...
...with some of my
small weaknesses.
Small weaknesses?
You call belonging to the affair
of the month club a small weakness?
You, now see me Kay, as the guy
I really was.
I mean, hardly perfect and
sometimes a stinker.
But pretty much like everyone else.
You know no black hat no white hat.
I was...
- Jolly.
- Jolly.
- And, Rupert...
- Rupert is Rupert.
- And... And a wonderful guy.
- Yes he is. He is a wonderful guy.
He may not be the best guy around
the town and not be able to dance.
- And possibly never will.
- And possibly never will.
But you know what? He loves me.
And I love him. And I want to get
on with my life.
- Well, welcome back.
- You have to leave, Jolly.
- Yes I know.
- I've no room in my life for yo...
- Right.
- What?
Come back here!
Come back here,
you miserable mutt!
I said, right. That's fine
with me.
I'll go.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't trust this.
You want me to believe
that's why you came here?
- Why?
- To help me?
To make me understand things?
Be careful, Kay. Be very careful.
I mean you're going to accuse me
of doing something unselfish...
...and I do have reputation
to consider.
Jolly. Well, that would be just
like you. Typical.
Turn this into a grand gesture
on your part.
I'm supposed to...
...believe now that you came here
to help me get you off my mind.
- Right?
- Good luck.
No wait, Jolly wait. You can't go.
I'm right, aren't I? Right?
Darling, you've, you have a
wonderful marriage. You deserve it.
- I do?
- Come on, kiss me goodbye.
Kay, are you in there?
- What?
- Oh, I'm so happy.
- Oh, thank God.
- Where's Rupert?
- I saw him chasing the dog.
- Where?
- Upstairs.
- Yes.
Everything's all fixed up.
Get everyone ready for the try-on.
- All right.
Well, okay pal, okay.
Maybe I can't dance like you, but
you don't happen to have...
...the market on passion
cornered Mister.
I happen to have a little of the
old heat in me myself.
I happen to love that woman!
And I happen to be marrying her
tomorrow because I love her.
And, furthermore I want you out
of our lives.
Do you hear that? I want you out.
Because I'm sick of your innuendos,
your testing and your meddling... my and
my fiancee's affairs...
...even if you did love her.
Now, I'm going down the stairs and
I'm going to marry her and I...
...don't want to hear another word
from yo...
You got that?
And begone.
It's Edgar, I know it.
I'll kill him.
Something's wrong with it.
Watch out!
- Did you see that?
- I saw it.
- You heard what I said?
- I heard it.
- I have to something to tell you.
- What?
- Jolly, he's gone.
- Jolly is gone?
Rupert, I love yo...
I love you, too, Kay.
Kay. Let's get on with
the rehearsal.
I don't want to get on with the
rehearsal. I want to get married.
- Right now?
- Tonight?
Right now.
Can you?
- Well, I suppose.
- What about the guests tomorrow?
We'll go through it again
tomorrow night.
Well, that's very irresponsible.
Loosen up.
That sounds like a great idea.
Well get on down here and
let's get married.
I'm coming.
Rupert! Rupert!
My God. Call a doctor.
- Don't move him.
- Billy, get some ice or water.
- Perrier.
Charlotte. I fixed it.
- I'm not talking to yo...
Oh, the kid been drinking?
- Hi!
- Rupert, are you all right?
Fine. I feel better.
What's everyone staring at?
Come on. Let's get the show
on the road.
Mom, how about some champagne?
- I'd love it.