Kissin' Cousins (1964) Movie Script
1
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Kissin's allowed
'Cos we're proud
To be cousins
What's a little teasin'
Huggin' and a-squeezin'
Between us cousins
Oh it's so great to be
One big family
And we show it
Yes we show it
You see, we never feud
We're a happy brood
Folks all know it
Yes they know it
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Honey we dress up
And we mess up
We're just cousins
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Cousins
Strategic
Air Command Logistics
considers
Big Smoky Mountain...
a most important site in this
group of ICBM missile bases...
one that we feel will be
vital in this defense pattern.
But the Tatum family
owns Big Smoky Mountain...
and has for more than
a hundred years.
Captain North
and Lieutenant Roth
report that all attempts
to negotiate...
ended in negative.
They were forced to retreat
under fire.
Oh, hell's fire, Andy.
You're not gonna let
Tennessee Mountain lunatics...
throw a monkey wrench
in the National Missile Defense.
But, Sam, Big Smoky Mountain
is private property.
We can't resort to force.
I know that...
but we can defend ourselves,
can we not?
Yes, sir.
Well, then send in
a fresh team.
Now, I want Army engineers
to start site preparation...
on old Smoky in seven days,
and that's an order.
Yes, sir.
That'll be all, gentlemen.
"Salbo, Robert Jason. Captain.
Serial number 97-887-711.
"Just completed tour of duty,
Goose Bay, Labrador.
Prior to that..."
Uh, Korea, Okinawa, Formosa,
Saigon, Algeria.
Hmm.
You seem to have had
more than your share
of foreign duty, captain.
Yes, sir, general,
that's what my wife contends.
Sir, my home is here
in Washington.
If I get to see my wife tonight,
it'll be the first time
in three years.
Well, now, captain,
if you complete Operation
Big Smoky within seven days...
I think I can promise you
a long tour of duty
right here in the Pentagon.
Oh, thank you, sir.
On the other hand,
if you fail to get that lease
from these mountain people...
we do have some bases
in Greenland,
and you may never
see your wife again.
Well, sir, I've never
failed a mission yet.
Good.
And remember,
this operation is top-secret.
Yes, sir.
Now, who are you picking
for the other half of your team?
Sir, I'd like
a personnel check made
to see if we have
an officer...
who was born in the
Great Smoky Mountain area.
Uh, someone who speaks
the same language
as these, uh,
rebellious mountaineers.
Good thinking, captain.
Thank you, sir.
Run an IBM check
through Air Force personnel.
I want an officer
who was born
in the Great Smoky Mountain
area...
of Tennessee, North Carolina
or Georgia.
Have him report to Captain Salbo
on the double.
Second Lieutenant Josh Morgan
reporting as ordered, sir.
These are my orders, sir.
At ease, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
F-84 Star jet pilot, eh?
Yes, sir.
I'm a member of the
Shooting Star acrobatic team.
We're supposed to do
a show in Houston.
I don't care whether you pilot
a jet or a flying carpet.
I'm interested
only in the fact...
that you were born
in Hidden Rock, North Carolina.
Now...
...how far is that from, uh,
Big Smoky Mountain, Tennessee?
Well, sir, uh,
on a clear day...
you can see
old Big Smoky Mountain
from my front porch
in Hidden Rock.
Good, good, good.
Now, Big Smoky is owned by
a mountain family named Tatum.
Have you ever heard of them?
Tatum?
Yes, sir.
I had a great-great-aunt
that married a Tatum
back in 1907...
but we lost track
somewhere along...
We'll get you back
on the track.
Now, the Tatums
flatly refuse to lease
the top of their mountain...
for an ICBM missile base.
Our job is to get that lease,
and within seven days.
I take it, uh,
it's an important mission, sir.
Top-secret.
Mm-hm.
Well, then, uh,
begging the captain's pardon...
may I make, uh,
a suggestion?
Oh, by all means.
You better pick
another mountain, sir.
That's a very interesting
suggestion. Why?
Well, sir, it's, uh,
like biting into a beehive.
Well, let me put it this way,
lieutenant.
If we don't
get that lease,
my next tour of duty
would be in Greenland.
Oh, that
would be too bad, sir.
Yes, it would.
And guess who would be
my executive officer?
You wouldn't, sir.
Oh, yes, I would.
Well, uh, in that case, uh,
may I make another suggestion?
Well, I hope it's a little
better than the last one.
If I'm gonna
sweet-talk these Tatums
into giving us
that lease, uh...
I better not be in uniform.
Anything from the government
gets shot in the Big Smoky, sir.
I don't care
if you wear a bikini,
just as long as
we get that lease.
Our plane leaves for Tennessee
in 30 minutes.
Let's go.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, sir,
there's this little old gal...
Who's gonna be a little older
by the next time you see her.
Yeah.
Move it, lieutenant.
She's a little old now, sir.
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
The closer and closer
I get to home
The more excited I am
Those were the mornings
I'd roll out of bed
Start the day off
With hot cornbread
Smothered in
Huckleberry jam
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
I can almost hear the hounds
Runnin' through the woods
Close on the trail
Of a hare
How I long to be with them
Followin' the hounds
A-huntin' again
A-getting me
A big old grizzly bear
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
I've traveled around
And met lots of girls
No matter how many I see
I left some pretty ones
Behind
I know back home
Is where I'll find
The girl whose love
Is meant for me
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
Tatum territory, so get.
What does that mean?
Just a neighborly
first warning, sir.
What's the second warning,
a land mine?
Column forward!
Take cover!
Second warning, sir.
What the... is going on?
Sergeant, take a rifle squad
and get those snipers.
Get them with what, sir?
This is no time
to play 20 Questions.
We haven't got any ammunition,
sir.
No ammo?
That's right.
Lieutenant, what happened
to the ammo I requisitioned?
The ammo, sir?
Uh, uh, uh...
Supply, uh,
wouldn't honor it, sir,
because you forgot to sign it.
I see.
And you forgot to bring it back
for me to sign it, eh?
Well, uh, ha-ha,
I don't think we need it, sir.
See, these people
wanna be our friends.
Watch, I'll show you.
Hey...!
That's no way
to start a friendship.
All right,
since you're a mountain expert
and don't need any ammunition...
...shag your tail out there
and make friends
with the natives.
Uh, uh, uh, you mean
you want me to go there?
That's exactly what I mean.
But these people are shooting,
uh, ammo, sir, live ammo.
Now, lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I will, sir.
What's going on?
You'll need a white flag.
- A white flag?
- Yeah.
Where is it?
- Well...
- What is that?
I was, uh, on leave, sir,
when they called me
for this duty.
This will have to do.
I see.
Good luck, lieutenant.
Yeah.
Hold your fire, friends.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Hey.
This is a friendly visit.
There's no reason for shooting.
This is Tatum territory, Yankee.
Now, take your gas buggies
and skedaddle off
of Pappy's mountain.
That's no way
to be greeting kinfolks.
Jodie?
Jodie?
Who's Jodie?
What are you doing
with my face?
Well, that's a right
good question, friend.
What's your name?
What's yours?
I'm, uh, Josh Morgan from
Hidden Rock, North Carolina.
Then you is kinfolk.
My name's Selena Tatum.
That's my sister Azalea.
Howdy. This here's
our cousin Jodie Tatum.
If I'd known you gals
were so downright good-looking,
I'd have been here long ago.
Don't let him sweet-talk you.
He ain't proved
he's kinfolk yet.
Oh, I can prove that too.
My Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia
married a Tatum back in 1907.
See, Jodie.
He is kinfolk.
Practically
kissing cousins.
Uh, to you two gals,
not him.
What you doing up here,
Cousin Josh?
Well, we came up
on a friendly visit
to talk to you folks.
Sort of, uh,
on government business.
Yeah, well, we've seen
them revenuers before.
We sent them back down
with lead
buzzing around their tails.
You hush up, Jodie.
Them was no-account Yankees.
I reckon Pappy and Ma
will be right glad
to meet you, Cousin Josh.
Hezekiah, meet your cousin
Josh Morgan.
Hello there.
Hello, buddy.
That, uh, dog's got a mighty
powerful handshake there.
That wasn't no dog.
That was me.
Jodie, you quit that.
I'm a champion wrestler
of Smoky Mountain.
I ain't taking nobody
to meet Pappy
unless I throw them first.
Well...
Maybe you scared,
Cousin Josh.
Jodie.
That's all right, Selena.
Okay, Jodie,
I'll give you a try.
Pour it on him, Cousin Josh.
Watch out
he don't gouge you.
Go on, get him.
Bite his hand.
Give it to him.
Jodie, come on.
The revenuers are after us.
Give it to him, Josh.
Twist his arm off,
Cousin Josh!
Who's side you on anyway?
Sounds like the lieutenant's
in trouble, captain.
Yeah, fix bayonets.
Fix bayonets!
Okay.
Move them out.
Extended order.
- Deploy your skirmishers.
- Move out!
Come on.
Come on, Josh!
- Get him, Cousin Josh.
- Cousin Josh.
Don't let him
push you around.
Give it to him, Josh.
Don't let him push you around.
Look out there, Josh.
That's it.
Come on.
Watch out, Josh.
Hit him right there!
Selena,
the revenuers are coming.
Come on.
Get up, Jodie. Get up, get up.
The revenuers are after us.
Come on there.
The revenuers are after us.
Come on.
Jodie, stop that fighting!
Hold it!
All right, hold it!
Hold it.
Revenuers.
Hold it.
You're surrounded.
We never had targets
like this in training.
Never mind. Mr. Morgan!
Yes, sir?
What's the meaning of this?
Well, sir, may I present
Selena and Azalea Tatum.
This is Captain Salbo.
Oh, how do you do, ladies?
I'm delighted
to make your acquaintance.
However, I feel
I must warn you
that firing
on the United States Army...
And, uh, this is, uh,
Jodie Tatum,
great-great-grandson
of my, uh, great...
Great-Great-Aunt
Euphrasia Morgan.
I know, I know...
Two of you, eh?
Just what I needed.
Champion wrestler
of the whole mountain.
You wanna wrestle?
Uh, no, thank you,
not at the moment.
Morgan, will you arrange
for these people
to take us
to their leader.
Pappy'd fill you
full of lead
unless he was prepared
for your coming.
Jodie will take you
to the cabin.
Oh, thank you.
I'm sure there'll be room
for you ladies in the jeep.
We'll just soften Pappy up
with Cousin Josh first.
Come on, Cousin Josh.
We're taking the shortcut.
Shortcut?
Hmm.
All right,
lead on, Macduff.
The name's Jodie.
I was just jok...
Put that thing away.
Here, take this.
Let's go.
Come on, Josh.
Hurry up!
Well, here we are.
Yep, here we are.
There are lots of girls
In the mountains
And they're worth
Their weight in gold
When they're in my arms
With their love and charms
A treasure chest I hold
Well, there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
There's such beauty there
In the mountains
You can feel your knees
Growing weak
Every single boy
Feels the height of joy
When he climbs
That mountain peak
Well, there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
I said there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
I ever did see
I ever did see
Let's go find Ma.
Ma!
Ma?
Ma!
Ma, where are you?
Ma!
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Ma!
Jodie.
What you done
to your hair?
Where'd you get them clothes?
Why aren't you
doing your chores,
you lazy,
good-for-nothing...?
Ma!
Let me be.
Let me be.
Ma, that ain't Jodie.
It ain't?
No.
It's Josh Morgan.
From Hidden Rock,
North Carolina, ma'am.
Well, how come you is
the spitting image
of my nephew Jodie?
Ha, it's probably
because we're cousins.
Morgan?
Oh, n...
Morgan?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, back in 1907.
That no-account Jubal Tatum,
he married up with a Morgan.
I remember my pa
telling about that.
My Aunt Euphrasia.
Oh, well, welcome
to Smoky Mountain, cousin.
Thank you.
Gals, where's your manners?
Go get that coffee pot boiling.
Come on, cousin.
All right.
You gotta come
in the house with us.
Jodie, you all right?
I'm all right.
Then go pen up them chickens.
Oh, uh, Mrs., uh,
Tatum, I presume?
I'm Captain Salbo.
He's a friend of mine, Ma.
Yes, indeed, and may I say
how pleased I am...
to make your acquaintance,
Mrs. Tatum.
Yeah.
Well, since you're
a friend of Josh's...
I reckon maybe you can
join us inside for coffee.
Ah, thank you, Mrs. Tatum.
Folks round here
call me Ma Tatum.
- That's Ma, Ma.
- Yeah.
I might've known it.
Them Kittyhawks is a-coming.
Kittyhawks?
Are they dangerous?
Oh...
Uh, I don't reckon
they'll bother you none.
Uh-huh.
Here they come.
Hey. Sergeant...
Stop that. Stop that.
Lieutenant Morgan,
do something.
You dang men-starved critters.
Now get.
Come on, get out.
- Get away from those soldiers.
- Get the men in the truck.
Get back in the truck.
How many times
I must tell you Kittyhawks
to get down in your valley?
Get off my land.
Get, get, get.
You get. Get, you hear me?
You hear me? Hear me?
Ma, what's these
government soldiers...?
- Platoon, fall in!
- Just a minute, Pappy.
Fall in? Fall out!
Get out!
Get off my land!
Get off the hill...
Just a minute, Pappy.
We got a surprise for you.
I've got enough surprises
around here
with all these jezebels...
and these Kittyhawks
and these government critters.
- Mr. Tatum...
- Hush up, you.
Jodie?
Jodie, what'd them gals
do to you?
That ain't Jodie.
Well, why ain't it?
That's your cousin
Josh Morgan.
A cousin?
Sure got the sassy face
of a Tatum.
Where'd you get that?
I guess I got it
from old Jubal Tatum.
He ran off
with my great-great-aunt.
Euphrasia Morgan.
Jubal and Euphrasia?
Ha.
Ha, you is welcome, boy.
But now these here
government critters...
Uh, Pappy, uh, uh,
this is Captain Salbo.
He's a good friend of mine.
Government man
a friend of yours?
We came up
to talk business.
Yes. Mr. Tatum, we're here
to discuss the matter of...
Whoa up, you, whoa.
I don't discuss nothing
on an empty belly.
Nothing.
Josh, you wanna
come to chow,
well, we can talk after.
If you want,
you can bring him with you.
Where can we camp?
Uh...
Uh, couldn't they camp
at Porcupine Flats, Pappy?
Porcupine?
On my Porcupine?
It'd just be
for one night, Pappy.
Well, all right, Josh.
Jodie!
No-good troublemaking critter.
Hey, come back here.
I told you to quit messing
around with them Kittyhawks.
Look here, Jodie.
I wasn't doing anything.
Them's awful pretty girls,
Pappy.
So why they
so much trouble?
Them and their kind have been
running around for years...
stirring up the game.
They're looking
for men to marry
who'll give them boy babies,
that's what.
There ain't been nothing
but gals
born in Kittyhawk Valley
in 20 years.
Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Tatum, uh,
thank you very much...
for your dinner invitation
and, uh...
Lieutenant, take over.
Yes, sir.
Pappy, Ma,
thank you very much,
and we'll see you tonight.
Tonight.
Okay, men,
back in the trucks.
Don't you disturb a twig
up there in Porcupine Flats now.
Everything's hooked up
and operational, sir.
All right, sergeant,
that's all.
Thank you, sir.
Lieutenant, get me SAC
headquarters at the Pentagon.
All right.
Big Smoky
calling Big Blue.
Big Smoky
calling Big Blue.
Captain.
Ah, this'll make the big brass
sit up and wag their tails.
Hello, Big Blue.
Captain Salbo
calling General Donford.
Top priority.
Donford speaking.
Yes, Salbo.
You are?
Have any trouble?
Well, sir, we had a little
lively sniper fire at first...
but, uh, I resorted
to my usual diplomacy,
and everything's
under control now.
What's that, lieutenant?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
It was nothing.
Ah. Uh, sorry, sir.
Yes?
Uh, yes, indeed.
Matter of fact...
the lieutenant and I are having
dinner with the Tatums...
at their cabin this evening,
to discuss the lease.
Excellent.
That makes you one day closer
to a Pentagon job, Salbo.
Or six days left for me
to decide where to send you.
Salbo, get that lease.
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant, General Krueger
wants a daily progress report
in triplicate.
How am I supposed
to do that, sir?
How? With a typewriter, paper
and carbon, that's how.
Well, even if we had that stuff,
I'm no typist.
I don't think
anybody else up here is.
All right, tomorrow when you
go down for mail and supplies...
pick up a, uh,
steno clerk and a typewriter.
Right.
And let's hurry up.
We can't keep
the Tatums waiting.
Mm. Something
smells mighty good, Pappy.
The night air brings out
the smell of that sour mash.
What's he doing here, Pappy?
That's Jubal's boy.
They came to eat and talk.
I ain't eating nothing with him
until I done whupped him first.
Any whupping to be done here,
I'm gonna do it,
you're gonna get it.
Ma, you...
Now, you go out there
and eat with them pigs
till you find your manners.
That was pretty, Ma.
You still ain't
lost your touch, ha-ha.
And you is the prettiest girl...
Oh, Pappy.
Oh, Pappy, now stop it, ha-ha.
You're sweet-talking me
all the time.
Well, everybody,
come on and eat now,
before the vittles get cold.
Know something, Cousin Josh?
No, what?
I don't wanna throw nobody,
but I wouldn't mind
getting throwed.
Oh, come on, Azalea.
Madam, words fail me.
Your culinary talents supersede
the most exotic cuisine.
You don't like it?
Oh, no, no, no.
On the contrary.
He means
he'd like some more, Ma.
Oh, well, that's good.
Good, good.
I like to see a young fella
who's a good eater.
I must say,
in all my travels,
I've never tasted
anything quite like it.
- You ain't, never?
- Mm-mm.
Oh, shucks,
it ain't nothing but
possum tails,
owl gizzards and grits...
fried in bear grease.
And then that there gravy,
that's just goat's milk...
with vulture eggs
and mashed catfish eyes.
Uh, the catfish eyes brings out
the flavor of the possum tails.
Excuse me.
I think I forgot something
in my jeep.
Why'd he leave in such a hurry?
Did something come up?
Well, not yet, Mr. Tatum,
but, uh, I think it might.
Smoke, Cousin Josh?
From our own tobacco patch
down by the crick.
Oh, that's mighty good smoking.
Now, uh, Josh...
what's this vital important
talk that you two meant?
What do you want?
You don't look so good.
It must be the mountain air.
Eat your supper.
Uh, Mr. Tatum,
let me explain.
We are a site-activating team
from SAC,
Strategic Air Command...
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You ain't gonna
get no place
unless you start
talking American.
Excuse me, captain,
let me explain.
Please do.
Well, you see, Pappy,
the government...
Uh, whose government?
Ha, the United States
government.
Oh.
They wanna use the top
of this mountain to, uh,
build an ICBM firing base.
BM?
Ballistic missile.
Oh, I see.
That's right, ICBM.
You see BM?
Well, I don't.
Me neither, Pappy.
And I ain't so sure
of what I heard.
Uh... my turn.
Uh, Mr. Tatum, don't you get
the newspapers up here?
Oh, sure. We use them
to patch the holes in the wall.
Your turn.
Hey, Pappy, come here.
Look.
See?
It looks like
somebody's still blowed up...
Now you're getting the idea.
It's not a still though, Pappy.
It's a rocket.
It's like a big bullet
with explosives in the end.
When it hits the target, pow,
that's it.
Pow.
Yeah.
Why they use such a big bullet
just for target practice?
Well, it's part of our
National Defense System.
You know, ICBM.
You see BM too?
How can everybody
see it but me?
I give up.
Pappy, uh, they're not used
for target practice.
They won't be used at all
unless somebody starts a war
against us, see?
Oh, you mean if there's a feud?
Yeah.
Yeah, we, uh,
protect our country,
like you do
against the revenuers.
Oh. I see.
You see BM now too, Pappy?
I think so.
But no gavoom.
Uh, Mr. Tatum, the point is,
our government
is willing to lease
the top of your mountain...
for $500 a month.
Five hundred dollars a month?
But, uh, since yours
is a very special mountain...
the government will raise that
to $1,000 a month,
right, captain?
One thousand dollars?
That's a powerful
hunk of money.
One thousand?
Think of the things we can get.
Just think, we could get
one of them newfangled bathtubs
and purty dresses.
And a new hot-water heater.
That crick gets mighty cold
in the wintertime.
Yeah, maybe one of them
electric-light machines.
Whoa up there, the whole
kit and caboodle of you.
I can't think
with you all bellowing at me.
And not a peep
out of you three.
Well, now, Josh...
...the Tatums
owned this mountain...
for quite a spell.
It was a good way of life,
peaceful and, uh...
Of course, we had a lot of fun
when the revenuers came.
But things don't stand still
anymore, Pappy.
You have to progress.
Progress?
Progress?
You want me to be like
one of them city fellas...
busting a gut to make money
to put new-fandangled doodads...
on female critters?
They is in the grave
when they is 50 years old.
That's right.
Our mountain men
ain't considered in their prime
till they's nudging 90.
Great Scott, man.
The security of our nation
is at stake.
Now, where's your patriotism?
You can bet
I ain't wearing it.
It's here, here, here.
Now, you shag-tail back
to Porcupine Flats.
You get.
But, Mr. Tatum, I...
I got a powerful piece
of thinking to do...
before I turn
this mountain over
to a bunch of
government critters.
Now, you get.
Well, I didn't...
I'll see you
at the base later, captain.
Oh, yeah...
Well, yes. I, uh... Well...
Oh, uh, thank you, ma'am,
for a very unusual supper.
He didn't finish it.
Josh, if it wasn't for you...
I'd have blasted him
and all those Army critters
right off this mountain.
Well, I know
how you feel, Pappy,
but, uh, don't be too hard
on the captain.
He got shot in the head
over in Korea, see?
Aw.
That must've hurt.
That poor half-witted critter.
From now on,
you treat that captain
with love and kindness,
you hear?
Well, I'll study on it.
One boy
Two little girls
Three hearts
Yearning for love
Although it's hard
To explain
I know it may sound insane
But this one boy
Loves two little girls
Folks say
Three is a crowd
To each boy
One girl's allowed
But right now
I'm having such fun
I just can't
Give up either one
'Cause this one boy
Loves two little girls
There will come a time
I'll have to settle down
But until that time
I love two girls
Hanging around
Now, one day
I must decide
Which one
I'll choose for my bride
But till we three must part
I've twice as much love
In my heart
'Cause this one boy
Loves two little girls
I betcha you can't catch me
Unless I let you.
Betcha I can.
Leave her be, Josh.
It does her good
to run around
when she gets that feeling.
I ain't gonna run alone
and leave you here with him.
Now, just a minute, gals.
Uh, look,
we can play games later.
Now, I gotta talk
to both of you.
I need your help.
Oh, anything
we can do, Josh.
We need the top
of this mountain.
It's to protect us all.
Well, I'm willing, but Pappy
and his pappy before him...
have been dead set
against government critters.
They won't bother
you folks at all.
Well, I don't know
if I like that.
I don't mean it like that.
I mean that Porcupine Flats
is far enough away...
that Pappy won't even know
that the base is there.
Hey, there's a lot of mighty
pretty things you could buy...
for a thousand dollars
a month.
We'll just have to
pin him down, Josh.
Oh, speak for yourself,
Azalea.
If we try to
sweet-talk Pappy,
he'll know
and he'll whup us good.
Well, then think of this.
You'll have the whole
United States Army
chasing after you, huh?
Yeah. It might be worth
a whupping at that.
What's that?
It's the Kittyhawks.
Well,
they must've spotted you, Josh.
Come on.
They gone?
Yeah. We must've
fooled them this time.
Yeah, ain't it a shame?
I mean that the Army boys
aren't here.
Oh.
Well, we'll talk to Pappy
for you, Cousin Josh.
Yeah?
No matter how hard he whups us.
And we'll just keep talking
till either him or us gives up.
You don't know
what it means to me, really.
We're having fried squirrel
and cornpone for breakfast
if you'd like to come.
I'd like to,
but the captain's sending me
down to Knoxville
in the morning.
Mountain-style, honey.
Josh! Josh!
What'd I do wrong?
Nothing that I could tell.
Now it's my turn.
I don't know about that.
Josh, please?
Won't you show me
How to kiss?
Put your lips on mine?
Do you do it
Just like this?
Tell me I'm doing fine
We got a good thing
Going now
Take your time
Come on and make it last
Love may be new to you
But, ooh,
I'm catching on fast
Give, give
Give me all you got to give
Love, love
Love every moment you live
Now you've taught me
All you know
Have I passed the test?
Show me all you got to show
Baby, you're the best
But tell me
I've learned quickly
And I know each trick
I'm sure love's gonna last
Love may be new to you
But, ooh,
I'm catching on fast
Can I marry up with y'all?
I can't think
of one reason why not.
Oh, I can.
Selena's oldest, and
she's gotta get married first.
Just have to teach her
how to wrestle,
so she can throw old Jodie.
Hey, lieutenant.
Yeah?
You been swimming?
Oh, you might call it that,
yeah.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Sure beats flying F-84's,
doesn't it?
But it's just as dangerous.
Oh, I don't know.
All depends on
how you wanna die.
Take that little Selena gal,
for instance.
You like that, huh?
Oh, are you kidding?
What's not to like?
I know what you mean,
sergeant.
Sergeant.
Yes, sir?
I'm gonna give you
a new assignment.
You're to, uh, capture the
affections of one Selena Tatum.
When I give an order, sergeant,
I expect you to snap to.
Yes, sir.
Boy, for an assignment
like that,
I gotta get
my snapper fixed.
All right, men,
you have your assignments.
Now, go to work.
Lieutenant,
dismiss the men.
Yes, sir.
Halt. Attention. Dismissed.
All set, lieutenant.
All right, sergeant.
You better gas her up
when you get to the base.
Right, sergeant.
- Hey, Josh, wait for us!
- Josh!
Oh, hey, look,
we got company.
Wait a minute!
Hi.
Can we hitch a ride
to Knoxville with y'all?
Be my pleasure.
Hop in.
We wanna buy them fancy things
you was telling us about.
Yeah, and we got
$6.87 cash money too.
I'd like you to meet
my old friend Sergeant Bailey.
How do you do?
I'll be right back.
Snap to, sergeant.
Yes, sir.
It works.
You know what I thought when I
saw you on the trail yesterday?
I'm a-listening.
I said to myself, "George..."
That's me.
I said, "George, there is,
without a doubt...
the most gorgeous female you've
ever seen in all your life."
Well, keep right on talking,
George, honey.
Baby, you are Cleopatra,
Helen of Troy,
and Marie Antoinette
all rolled up into one.
Well, don't keep talking
about your old girlfriends.
Just talk about me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
So, uh, it's as simple
as this, captain.
The gals are the only ones
that can help us
get that lease from Pappy.
And if a small investment
will keep them on our team,
I think it'd be worth it, sir.
Just what are you getting at,
Morgan?
Look, captain,
they got $6.87.
To them,
that's a big deal.
Now, what can it cost SAC?
Maybe 10, 15 or $20 at the most.
You mean
you want a requisition
for their purchases
in Knoxville?
Yes, sir.
Good thinking, Morgan.
Thank you, sir.
If I'd known
you was coming,
I'd have had Josh
bring you to supper last night.
There'll be other times.
Like tonight, maybe.
Save your money, girls.
The captain has something
to tell you. Captain.
Ladies, all the things you buy
will be with the compliments...
of the Strategic
Air Command.
Ah. Josh, honey.
How about that?
Oh, Josh.
And now, ladies, I suppose
your pappy has decided...
Our pappy
whupped us good.
And then went possum hunting
with Hezekiah.
He's still thinking
about that lease, ain't he?
Him and Hezekiah.
Possum hunting?
This is no time
to go hunting.
Every minute counts.
Now, just a minute.
Selena, remember
what Ma told us.
You gotta treat him
with love and kindness.
Oh, yeah. On account of
his poor, miserable head.
Lieutenant, I'm sure
you'll pardon my curiosity...
but just what is wrong
with my poor, miserable head?
Pappy Tatum was so mad,
he was gonna throw us
off his mountain last night.
Oh, as bad as that, huh?
Well,
I'm sure you'll agree
that the situation called
for drastic measures, sir.
But what has this got to do
with my head?
Well, I explained to them
that the reason
you blew your top...
was, uh, because you got shot
in the head in Korea.
You told them I wa...?
You told them I was nuts?
Uh, drastic measures, sir.
Lieutenant.
Uh, ahem. The girls
are waiting, captain.
- Hey.
- Whoops.
Hello?
Yeah, this is Dixie.
Oh, hello, Mr. Billingsly.
So, what else is new?
They what?
Are they still there?
Where did they go?
The Tatum property?
Big Smoky Mountain?
Thanks, Billingsly.
You've done it again.
If I'm not back by morning,
tell the boss to send help.
Jodie.
Hey, look what we got.
Ooh.
What are you gals doing
in your underwear?
They ain't underwear, Jodie.
Them's bikinis.
Ain't they purty?
They're pretty skimpy.
I just took them into town
so they could buy
a few little things.
They's little enough,
and pretty darn few.
You just wait till Ma
sees you in that stuff.
We bought something nice
for you too, Cousin Jodie.
This is my cousin Jodie.
A few generations removed.
Jodie,
this is PFC Midge Reilly.
Hello there.
Hello. They didn't remove
far enough, did they?
You know,
you're just about as pretty
as a little old speckled pup,
you know that?
Thank you, I think.
Jodie, you come on back here
and see what we brung you.
Lookit, Cousin Jodie, a gun.
I thought
you'd look handsome in this.
And a shirt...
Well, I'll be doggoned.
...with yellow flowers
all over it.
Lookit.
Isn't it purty?
Yeah.
And some striped pants.
Striped pants.
Oh, and a scarf too.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, we want some
purty underwear too.
Well, we brung you some.
But only if you promise
to stay away from our menfolk.
And that means Jodie too.
Oh.
Oh, we'll stay away from him,
but will he
stay away from us?
Yeah.
Well, you promise or not?
Where is they?
They is just willy-washy.
Thank you.
Well, you just go willy-wash
somewheres else.
And don't forget your promise.
Now, you get, all of you.
Hello, girls. I'm Dixie Kay
with the Evening Courier.
Uh...
Excuse me, ma'am.
You see, we're conducting
an experiment.
Oh. Mr. Billings at
the Bon March department store
told me
that the Strategic Air Command
picked up the whole tab
for this shopping tour.
Oh. Well, Cousin Josh
says that's because
the government's
so real big-hearted.
You see, it's an experimental
project, ma'am.
They wanna build a missile base
on top of Pappy's mountain.
Quite an experiment, lieutenant.
Pappy who?
Pappy Tatum.
Our pappy.
Come on, gals,
we gotta get going. Jodie.
Put up this tailgate.
Tell me, lieutenant...
is this a new
government policy
for obtaining land leases?
No comment.
Stand up, girls.
Sit down. We gotta go.
Stand up, girls,
and take a deep breath.
Look, don't take any pictures,
please.
Thank you.
Okay, fellas, lend a hand.
Ah, ah, ah!
Oh, no, you don't.
Any, uh, female PFC
gets special treatment
here at Porcupine Flats.
And I'm, uh, Toby, uh,
your official greeter.
What's your name, honeybun?
PFC Midge Reilly.
Serial number W2-349-687.
The rest is classified
information.
36"- 24"- 36".
36"- 22"- 35".
Sir, this is PFC Reilly.
Ah, yes.
A WAC? Well, lieutenant, didn't
they have any male typists?
There were no male typists
available, sir.
She volunteered
for the job.
Oh. All right,
let's get to work, Reilly.
I have some reports
to send out.
Sir, uh,
about the requisition...
Oh, yes. The requisition.
Our little mountain maidens.
I suppose they purchased
a few charming little trinkets.
Ha-ha, yes,
they certainly did, sir.
Good, good.
Well, let's see what we ha...
Three thousand,
one hundred and...
Lieutenant, I...
Lieutenant!
Lieutenant!
Jodie.
Selena.
Azalea?
Jodie.
Selena.
Where in tarnation are you?
Azalea, why ain't you filled
that hog trough?
Oh, I ain't got time, Ma.
I gotta make myself purty
for Cousin Josh.
Beelzebub and black beetles,
what's going on here?
You forget them city ways,
and get on and get out there
and do your work.
Later, Ma. I'm getting gorgeous
for a certain male critter.
You wouldn't dare
sass your ma
like that if your pappy
was here.
He'd whomp the hide off of you.
And what in tarnation is that?
That's some of
that fancy powder.
I put it on my face.
Well, looks more
like cooking flour to me.
You better not get
near the stove,
you'll break out
in biscuits.
Oh, Ma, leave me alone.
I just wanna be purty.
You'll be purty
when I get through with you.
And just look at you.
Why, that face would scare
a saint out of a thicket.
Now, come on.
Ma!
Come on.
Ma, I've gotta look purty.
Come on, and you too.
You'll look purty
when I get through with you.
Open that door.
There you go.
Now, get.
Ma!
You're gonna get yourself
all mixed up.
Let go! Ma!
Now, come on with me.
But we look so purty.
Ma, you're drowning me!
You're not gonna
go through that
looking like
those ugly city girls.
Come on.
Here, get away from here.
You leave Josh alone.
Now, come on.
Come on. You too.
Get out of there.
You promised to keep
your hands off. Now, get.
Now, get, before we rip
them bikinis right off of you.
I know we promised.
But we just went all willy-washy
when we saw him come driving up.
Well, we'll willy-wash you,
you... Just get.
Get!
Okay, gals, come on.
Get.
Well, if that don't take
the rag off in the bush.
Josh, I hate to do this
to kinfolk,
but with children
full of sass...
neglecting their chores
and stirring up trouble,
I got no choice.
Go back and tell
that Captain Salbo
to pack up his gas buggies...
and hightail it
off our mountain,
and take his presents with him.
Oh, no, you can't do that.
- You can't do that.
- I can and am.
If you'd just listen to my side
of this thing, maybe...
I seen and heard enough.
Nothing will make me
change my decision
unless it's Pappy,
when he gets back.
Here's the mail, captain.
Good work. What took you
so long, sergeant?
I'm sorry, sir,
but the commander at the base
stopped me.
He wanted me to make sure
you saw this.
Oh?
Oh. Oh, no.
Reilly!
Yes, sir?
What's the meaning
of this outrage?
Well, sir...
I'm a stenographer,
not a spy.
And anyway,
I was only a passenger.
Bailey, take the jeep
and bring back Morgan,
dead or alive.
Yes, sir.
On the double.
Lieutenant.
How are you making out
with Selena?
That's not important.
You know you're wanted
dead or alive?
So, what else is new?
Sir.
Sir?
Oh. Good work, sergeant.
It's about time somebody did
something right around here.
That's all.
Yes, sir.
Sit down, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
Lieutenant,
I hope I'm not interrupting
one of your
romantic escapades.
Would you mind telling me
what is the meaning of this?
Yeah, well, uh...
Looks like we just got caught,
sir, that's all.
Oh?
Mr. Morgan, Big Smoky
is a top-secret operation.
If Washington hears of this...
I don't think they will, sir.
This is just
a local newspaper.
But if you want something
to worry about, listen.
What's that?
Well, Jodie and the girls
are fussing around
with the clothes
and things they bought...
and they're not
doing their chores.
So?
So Ma got mad and says
that we gotta break camp
and get off
of this mountain.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Big Smoky.
Captain Salbo speaking.
Oh, General Donford.
Yes, sir. Well, I...
It's in the Washington papers?
Well, sir, I can explain.
I...
Yes, sir, but I...
Well, sir, I...
He hung up.
General Donford will be here
tomorrow afternoon.
That's good, sir.
Then I can explain
the whole situation to him.
Morgan,
I've changed my mind.
Greenland will be bad enough
without you
as my executive officer.
I'll have you flying the milk
run to the Arctic Circle!
Ahem.
Dismissed!
Yes, sir.
Reilly!
Yes, sir?
Oh.
Reilly, Mrs. Tatum
has ordered us off the mountain.
The general will be here
tomorrow afternoon.
I want you to take the jeep,
go up and have a little talk
with Mrs. Tatum.
Man to man.
Uh, woman to woman.
Make her change her mind
at all costs.
I'll do my best, sir.
How I long for the days
when all I had
was a war to worry about.
Hello there, you purty
little speckled pup.
Ah! Oh, you let me go,
you possum player.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
You let me by.
I'm on an important mission
for Captain Salbo.
I knew the first time
I laid eyes on you,
that you was meant for me.
You're not for me,
and I'm coming through.
Ain't no need
trying to fight me.
I'm the champion wrestler
of this whole mountain, ma'am.
How about it?
Well...
Well, maybe you're right,
you poor moonstruck ape.
Oh!
I can't conceal
The tender feelin'
Now that you
Are close to me
I look at you
With tender feelin'
And can't help kiss you
Tenderly
I offer you
A true devotion
All life through
My love I vow
For this is real
This sweet emotion
This tender feeling
I have now
Somehow I knew
From the moment
Our lips first met
You'd be the girl
I could never forget
No other love
Could be appealin'
I loved you
Right from the start
And with each kiss
I'll keep revealin'
The tender feelin'
In my heart
You spoiled the whole
dad-blamed thing.
Wait a minute.
Hey, where'd you go?
What...?
Hey. You're gonna get tired
some time.
You might as well just say
you're gonna marry up with me.
Ma?
I hears you.
What?
Well, if we do our chores...
all of them, uh, regular,
would you...?
Nope.
But, Ma, if Josh leaves now,
I may never see him again.
I made my decision.
Hand me that bucket of mash.
It makes no never mind
how we feel, child.
We gotta think of our kinfolk
and what this mountain
means to us.
I, uh...
I just came by
to say goodbye.
Josh, honey, I tried.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
That's the way it goes.
I knowed you was right smitten
with Cousin Josh...
and I think
he is with you too.
But if it's as powerful
as you say...
then you'll find a way.
Pappy and I did.
Hezekiah, where you been?
You look like you was drug
through a mole hole backwards.
Where's Pappy?
Oh, you got lost from him, huh?
Well, come on, come on.
Take me to him.
Come on, come on.
Take me to Pappy.
Oh, that can mean
only one thing.
He ain't only lost,
he's in a passel of trouble.
Oh, what'll I do?
Ma, we heard the howling.
Hezekiah.
What's the matter, Ma?
It's Pappy.
He got himself in
some kind of terrible trouble.
How do you know that?
Hezekiah come back alone.
Come on, Hezekiah.
Come on. Take us to Pappy.
He howls like that
every time you say...
P-A-P-P-Y.
He ain't trying to lead us,
that means something bad's
happened all right.
Don't cry, Ma.
I'll get you some men,
and we'll search this mountain
until we find Pa...
P-A-P-P-Y.
Oh, you is real fine kinfolk,
Josh.
And I is powerful ashamed
for treating you
so downright shameful.
That's all right, Ma.
That's all right.
You'll never get away from me.
So you might as well
stop running.
Come on,
why don't you give up?
I can't go any further.
Come here,
you little speckled pup. Huh?
Jodie,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Jodie, let go
of that little critter.
Oh, Mrs. Tatum,
I've been looking for you.
Yeah? You got a mite
sidetracked there,
didn't you,
little one?
Men.
Men.
Magpie calling Blue Quail.
Magpie to Blue Quail.
Magpie to Blue Quail.
Come in, Blue Quail.
Blue Quail receiving, over.
You mean you lost
your whole squad, captain?
That's what I said.
Good grief,
mine's missing too.
It's them
durn Kittyhawks.
And they never give
their men critters back
unless they's worthless.
Stay where you are, captain.
I'll be right there.
We got here
just as soon as we could.
Well, where's Morgan?
Josh!
They got him too.
Oh, fine.
We can't find Pappy,
my men have been kidnapped...
the general's
due here any minute,
and it's a cinch
I'll never see my wife again.
Well, they just gotta be
around here somewheres close.
Come on, captain,
we'll find them.
Come in, Morgan.
Come in, Morgan.
Come in, Morgan.
Okay, gals.
Take it easy just a minute.
Oh, look. Look, you gotta
let me and my men go.
Who wants to be liberated,
lieutenant?
Not you, that's for sure.
Look, you wanna keep soldiers
on this mountain?
All them and you too,
you big handsome critter.
Relax and enjoy it, lieutenant.
How can I relax when
the general's on his way?
- He's what?
- Oh, no. It can't be.
If we don't find Pappy,
we'll get kicked
off this mountain.
- We can't let that happen.
- No.
It ain't likely
you'll find Pappy
before that general
gets here...
so maybe we just better
make sure he don't.
Well, that should give us ti...
Don't what?
Get here.
You can't do that
to a general in the Army.
Why, we ain't
gonna hurt him.
It doesn't matter if
they stall him for just a while.
Okay, but no rough stuff.
You just tell us
when to quit.
What the...? What...?
Hey, hey, hey, what...?
There you are,
you deserters, you.
I'll have you all
court-martialed for this.
It wasn't their fault, captain.
It's them dang Kittyhawks.
Oh, those...
All right.
All right, fall in!
Single file!
Come on, girls.
Magpie to Blue Quail,
come in.
Magpie to Blue Quail,
come in.
Blue Quail to Magpie, over.
Where the blazes are you?
And what's happened?
Everything's under control.
The Kittyhawks will delay
the general till we find Pappy.
Ah, good.
Get over fast...
so we can
consolidate the search,
and let's not waste any time...
What took you so long?
I got here
as soon as I could.
Oh, good.
Something you critters want?
Why, yes, miss.
We're trying to get
to Porcupine Flats.
Oh, well, flash flood
washed out the road above.
Y'all will have to loop around
by Kittyhawk Valley.
And how far is that?
Oh, about two whoops
and a holler.
Looks as if we fly it
seat-of-pants.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, miss.
Pappy
Pappy
P-A-P-P-Y
Won't you please come home?
The chickens won't lay
All night the hounds bay
There's blues in the bees'
Honeycomb
Everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy, won't you please
Come home?
Your jug and spittoon
Just sit in your room
The still is as dry
As a bone
Everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy, won't you please
Come home?
Oh, how we miss
The corncob pipe
A-puffin' away
In your face
Now that the shack
Is clear of smoke
We can't stand the sight
Of the place
Please come back to us
You ornery old cuss
We loves you
Wherever you roam
Oh everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy won't you please
Come home?
Any luck, Jodie?
Not a bit.
How's Ma?
She's grieving pretty bad,
but she made you some coffee.
Coffee?
I don't want coffee.
I could stand some of that
Mountain Maiden's Breath.
She sent some of that too.
Oh, good.
Here you are, sir.
Thank you. Well...
Josh.
Josh.
- That sounds like Pappy.
- Josh.
It sounds like it's coming
from Howling Devil's Gorge.
Yeah, come on,
let's go.
Here.
- Here.
- Let's go, men.
- Watch it.
- Unh.
Josh. Josh.
Pappy, what you doing up there?
I'm telling myself stories.
Nothing else to do up here.
How'd you get up there, Pappy?
A goldarn brown bear
treed me, Josh.
And I scrambled up the tree,
and I got caught
on this branch.
Oh, Josh, that branch
ain't gonna hold much longer.
Don't worry,
the Army will get him down.
Try not to move.
I'm gonna come and get you.
Give me the rope.
Josh, you be careful.
Bailey,
throw a rope over that limb.
Yes, sir.
Don't shake the tree, Josh.
Josh?
Is that you, Josh?
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, that's you.
Just take it easy, Pappy.
All right, Josh,
all right.
I trust you.
Put this rope
around your waist.
Hand it back.
First time
I ever trusted the Army.
Josh, don't tickle me now.
I'll have you down
in just a few seconds.
All right.
The tree's shaking.
Oh. Josh, Josh.
Josh. Oops, Josh.
Oops, oops!
Don't move, Pappy.
I'm not gonna look down again.
Here's another rope.
Here, I got it.
Hand it back to me.
I hand it back to you, Josh.
All right,
anchor the rope.
Yes, sir.
Um, tie it around him.
Oh, Josh, don't tickle me.
I'm scared,
but I'm ticklish.
Just keep talking to me, son.
All right.
Josh, be careful.
Don't worry, the lieutenant
knows what he's doing.
Oh, Josh.
Uh, lieutenant,
what are you doing?
Just hang on, Pappy.
I'm tying it up, boys.
Culdain, back up.
- Where is you, Josh?
- I'm right here.
Okay.
Hang on, Pappy.
Am I set just yet?
All right,
don't go too far, Josh.
If I live, Josh...
- Josh.
- That's it.
Pull up on the top rope.
Yeah.
Josh. Josh.
Hold it. That's it.
Raise the top rope.
You there, Josh? Josh?
I'm here.
Take it easy, Pappy.
Okay.
Okay. All right,
now, start pulling.
Let's pull him in.
All right.
Ease up a little.
Josh.
Josh, Josh.
Josh, you got me?
We got you.
Oh, Josh.
Yeah, we got you, Pappy.
You got me?
Yep.
Consarn your hide, Pappy.
You like to scare us to death.
Yeah.
We thought you was
a goner for sure.
Hey, Pappy, this calls
for a celebration, don't it?
You're darn right, it do.
Uh, but, Mr. Tatum, uh,
General Donford
is on his way here now...
and we haven't settled
about the lease.
I have no time to talk about
that there kind of foolishness.
We're gonna have the
goldangdest party you ever saw.
We're gonna have
the biggest one
since Ma
discovered the recipe...
for the Mountain Maiden's
Breath.
- General.
- Hmm?
It seems like
we've been here before.
Yes, there is something vaguely
familiar about the topography.
The what?
Oh, never mind,
never mind.
What happened, fellas?
Miss, we're still looking
for Porcupine Flats.
Oh, well, since you're
such persistent critters...
I'll show you
a real shortcut.
Right down there.
Ah, all right, lieutenant.
Here we go again.
Yes, sir.
Have I heard right, Pappy?
You getting rid
of all your children
in one fell swoop?
You heard right,
Hairy Willie.
We ain't getting rid of them.
We is gaining three more,
two fellas and a gal.
Oh, that's right, Ma.
Three and three is...
Oh, that's just the beginning.
Well, we got
a heap of toasting to do
before the night's over.
Well, drink up, Willie.
Drink up.
Stop feeding your face, Jodie,
and go out there
and liven things up a bit.
Yes, ma'am.
That's it. Go on, boy.
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Give me
A honky-tonky fiddle
With a guitar
In the middle of the melody
Bubblin' like a fountain
Swinging out
On Smoky Mountain
Barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe
And the two toe's connected
To the three toe
And the three toe's connected
To the four toe
And the four toe's connected
To the five toe
And the five toe
That's a live toe
And away we go
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe
And the two toe's connected
To the three toe
And the three toe's connected
To the four toe
And the four toe's connected
To the five toe
And the five toe
That's a live toe
What's a live toe?
That's a jive toe
What's a jive toe?
That's a drive toe
Away we go
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me...?
Play for who?
Play for him
Play for her
A barefoot ballad song
Well, captain,
we got a passel of reasons
to do some celebrating, ha-ha.
Well, Mr. Tatum,
there's only one thing
that'll give me cause
for celebrating.
And that is if
you'll consent to...
Whoa, whoa!
Hold up there.
Don't talk about that there
kind of thing now.
We'll do some
raising some ruckus.
We'll have rooting,
tooting and boozing.
Yes. Pappy will make up his mind
when he's good and ready.
Tonight.
You come on with me
and have some of my Mountain
Maiden's Breath.
That'll perk up your spirits.
Well, I'd be delighted.
I'd...
Welcome to the Tatum family,
Josh.
Thank you, Pappy.
But what else could I do?
What?
I mean, uh, uh, well,
she's about the prettiest thing
I ever seen...
so, uh, why keep looking,
huh?
Let me give you
some advice, Josh.
You only got one life to live...
and life can be rough...
but if you live it
every day all the way...
once is enough.
You can own
Just one suit
Worn and torn
At the cuff
But if you're living
The life that you love
Once is enough
What's the good
Of reaching 90
If you waste 89?
You got one life,
So live it
If you don't,
It's a crime
Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
Never wait until tomorrow
What if it never comes?
Life is a seven-layer
Don't you settle for crumbs
Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
Hey, Cousin Josh.
You know, you sing
pretty good for a city fella.
Thank you, Jodie.
Well, I'm beginning to believe
these Tatums don't exist.
Glug, glug, glug.
Listen, sir.
Glug, glug, glug.
Follow that sound.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
And you want me
to give up this life
for a miserable
missile base?
Here, captain,
you're next.
Well...
I might as well go this way,
as to freeze to death
in Greenland.
Glug, glug, glug...
We haven't got much time,
honey.
The general's gonna be here
any minute.
If Pappy's too limp
to talk to him,
I don't know
what's gonna happen.
Well, we'll just go ask Ma.
She'll know what to do.
Glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
All right, men, pick him up
and carry him over there.
And nobody
light a match near him.
Let's have a little music.
Let's have a little party.
Oh, my, my,
ain't it a nice party?
Ma, ain't Pappy ready yet?
Pappy's always ready.
What for?
Oh, for the talking?
Oh, now, look out there.
He's having such a nice time.
It was supposed to be
a wedding party, Ma.
It could be a going-away party
for all of us.
You're right, you're right.
Now's the time.
Pappy. Pappy.
Jodie.
Jodie.
Yeah, Ma?
Bring Pappy here.
All right.
Jodie, put me down.
Put me down, Jodie.
Put me down.
I was just beginning to warm up.
You put me down.
I was just beginning
to get warmed up.
Here he is, Ma.
Pappy, it's time
for the talk.
I ain't ready yet.
Just a minute, Pappy.
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I ain't.
Where's Captain Salbo?
Captain Salbo?
Ha-ha. Hey, Captain Salbo,
he's laid out over there.
He's as cold
as a well-digger's shovel.
Azalea, you and Jodie better
find him and sober him up...
before the general gets here.
He's in enough trouble
as it is.
Here's the checkers
and board.
All right, Josh,
but you better
make it be good now.
I think we better
go find Captain Salbo.
Ah, good night, dear.
I love you too.
He's over here by the hog pen.
- Oh, boy.
- Captain.
Captain, wake up.
Wake up, captain.
Wake up.
Yes, general.
Captain, come on.
Troop, fall in!
Attention!
Captain Salbo.
Oh, look at him.
I was wondering
when you was gonna get here.
We've been wandering
for six hours.
Captain Salbo.
Uh, general, sir,
I'd like to present,
uh, Miss Selena Tatum...
and Miss Azalea Tatum,
and this is Jodie Tatum, sir.
How do you do?
It looks like
you took the wrong turn.
Captain Salbo,
where is Mr. Tatum?
Howdy, howdy, general.
I'm Ma Tatum.
Hey, you've done missed
half the fun.
Yes, but we're not here
for fun.
- Captain Salbo...
- Gals, gals.
Why don't you
take the general
for some liquor and vittles?
You must be hungry as a bear
with his throat cut.
Salbo...!
No,
don't bother the captain now.
He's headed for
a big conflab with Pappy.
As you were, men.
You see, Pappy...
if the Army
builds its own road
on the other side
of the mountain...
the traffic to the missile base
won't bother you at all.
Crown my king.
Crown my king.
But the missiles
and the gas buggies...
they'll whomp the daylights
out of the hunting.
Captain, wake up.
Captain.
Jodie, you better
give him another jolt.
All right.
Ma always said you're supposed
to fight fire with fire...
but looks like he's
pretty well burned out already.
Captain, wake up.
Please, sir. Captain, sir.
Yes, sir, general.
I'm ready to take my medicine.
Greenland can't be any rougher
than Big Smoky.
You better come on, captain.
The general's here right now.
Come on, captain.
Get up.
Attaboy. Yes, sir.
There you go.
I'm all right, men.
I'm all right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Have some more
Maiden's Breath, general?
Mm-mm, thank you.
And some more
pickled possum tails.
Captain just loves them.
Uh...
Why, thank you.
When do you think this
conference will end, Mrs. Tatum?
Oh, well,
that's hard to tell, general.
I've known Pappy
to stay up there over a week
when he's undecided.
A week.
I'm sorry, son.
Pappy, just think...
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I can't see letting my mountain
get discombobulated...
with a lot of
government critters
and a lot of, uh,
machinery...
and a lot of noise.
And a lot of...
Just think of the improvements,
Pappy.
Oh, Mr. Tatum.
Mr. Tatum, what about the lease?
I can't do anything
about it.
Well, why not?
If it weren't for them,
well, we wouldn't have found
the gals we was gonna marry.
You's gonna marry?
I can't do nothing about that.
Pappy.
Come on, captain.
Lieutenant, what happened?
What happened?
I was counting on you.
I'm sorry.
I just ran out of persuading.
But the general is here.
Do you know what this means?
Greenland.
I know, captain.
I used every argument that...
I didn't use every argument.
Just a minute, captain.
Here.
Wha...? Here.
Pappy.
Josh,
don't you know enough
not to try to turn me around
once I made up my mind?
Oh, general,
it don't look so good.
It don't?
Uh, it doesn't?
Hey, Pappy, listen...
Whoopee!
Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place?
Oh, Josh.
Mr. Tatum.
Guess what, captain.
What?
We made it.
We made it?
Didn't we?
Ma, we...
Attention!
As you were.
Sir.
May I present
Lieutenant Morgan.
Sir.
Yes.
I recognize him from his picture
in the gazette.
General,
this is Pappy Tatum.
- Mr. Tatum.
- Tell him, Pappy.
General, uh,
I'll sign that there lease...
if, uh, uh...
Josh, you tell them
what you done promised me.
It's just, uh, three small
provisions, sir.
Number one, he receive
$1,000 a month for the land.
Good price.
Whose side you on, lieutenant?
He's with
the United States Army.
And, uh, number two,
that the Army engineers
build a private road...
on the other side
of the mountain.
A new and direct route
to Porcupine Flats?
I'll be glad to agree to that,
lieutenant.
And then I promised him
a military patrol...
to see that no government
personnel trespass...
on this side
of Big Smoky Mountain.
I'll agree to that.
It's a deal, Mr. Tatum.
The military police patrol
can also protect
the government personnel...
from the mountain maidens.
Well done, captain.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, uh, lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
Uh, just what did you
tell Mr. Tatum
that made him
change his mind?
Just that all
government personnel
would be kept off this side
of the mountain.
Well, why did you tell him
a thing like that?
Sir, revenuers are government
personnel, aren't they?
Yes, I...
Oh, yeah.
Well, I've got a gal
She's as cute as she can be
She's a distant cousin
But she's not
Too distant with me
We kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it
All right
All right,
All right, all right
Oh, I've got a gal
And she taught me how to live
She can give a lot
And she's got a lot to give
We kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it
All right
All right, all right,
All right
Yeah, we're all cousins
That's what I believe
Because we're children
Of Adam and Eve
I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love
That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of
We'll kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I'll squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
We'll be kissin' cousins
And that'll make it
All right
All right, all right,
All right
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
Yeah, we're all cousins
That's what I believe
'Cause we're all children
Of Adam and Eve
Now, I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love
That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of
We'll kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I'll squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Kissin's allowed
'Cos we're proud
To be cousins
What's a little teasin'
Huggin' and a-squeezin'
Between us cousins
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Kissin's allowed
'Cos we're proud
To be cousins
What's a little teasin'
Huggin' and a-squeezin'
Between us cousins
Oh it's so great to be
One big family
And we show it
Yes we show it
You see, we never feud
We're a happy brood
Folks all know it
Yes they know it
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Honey we dress up
And we mess up
We're just cousins
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Cousins
Strategic
Air Command Logistics
considers
Big Smoky Mountain...
a most important site in this
group of ICBM missile bases...
one that we feel will be
vital in this defense pattern.
But the Tatum family
owns Big Smoky Mountain...
and has for more than
a hundred years.
Captain North
and Lieutenant Roth
report that all attempts
to negotiate...
ended in negative.
They were forced to retreat
under fire.
Oh, hell's fire, Andy.
You're not gonna let
Tennessee Mountain lunatics...
throw a monkey wrench
in the National Missile Defense.
But, Sam, Big Smoky Mountain
is private property.
We can't resort to force.
I know that...
but we can defend ourselves,
can we not?
Yes, sir.
Well, then send in
a fresh team.
Now, I want Army engineers
to start site preparation...
on old Smoky in seven days,
and that's an order.
Yes, sir.
That'll be all, gentlemen.
"Salbo, Robert Jason. Captain.
Serial number 97-887-711.
"Just completed tour of duty,
Goose Bay, Labrador.
Prior to that..."
Uh, Korea, Okinawa, Formosa,
Saigon, Algeria.
Hmm.
You seem to have had
more than your share
of foreign duty, captain.
Yes, sir, general,
that's what my wife contends.
Sir, my home is here
in Washington.
If I get to see my wife tonight,
it'll be the first time
in three years.
Well, now, captain,
if you complete Operation
Big Smoky within seven days...
I think I can promise you
a long tour of duty
right here in the Pentagon.
Oh, thank you, sir.
On the other hand,
if you fail to get that lease
from these mountain people...
we do have some bases
in Greenland,
and you may never
see your wife again.
Well, sir, I've never
failed a mission yet.
Good.
And remember,
this operation is top-secret.
Yes, sir.
Now, who are you picking
for the other half of your team?
Sir, I'd like
a personnel check made
to see if we have
an officer...
who was born in the
Great Smoky Mountain area.
Uh, someone who speaks
the same language
as these, uh,
rebellious mountaineers.
Good thinking, captain.
Thank you, sir.
Run an IBM check
through Air Force personnel.
I want an officer
who was born
in the Great Smoky Mountain
area...
of Tennessee, North Carolina
or Georgia.
Have him report to Captain Salbo
on the double.
Second Lieutenant Josh Morgan
reporting as ordered, sir.
These are my orders, sir.
At ease, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
F-84 Star jet pilot, eh?
Yes, sir.
I'm a member of the
Shooting Star acrobatic team.
We're supposed to do
a show in Houston.
I don't care whether you pilot
a jet or a flying carpet.
I'm interested
only in the fact...
that you were born
in Hidden Rock, North Carolina.
Now...
...how far is that from, uh,
Big Smoky Mountain, Tennessee?
Well, sir, uh,
on a clear day...
you can see
old Big Smoky Mountain
from my front porch
in Hidden Rock.
Good, good, good.
Now, Big Smoky is owned by
a mountain family named Tatum.
Have you ever heard of them?
Tatum?
Yes, sir.
I had a great-great-aunt
that married a Tatum
back in 1907...
but we lost track
somewhere along...
We'll get you back
on the track.
Now, the Tatums
flatly refuse to lease
the top of their mountain...
for an ICBM missile base.
Our job is to get that lease,
and within seven days.
I take it, uh,
it's an important mission, sir.
Top-secret.
Mm-hm.
Well, then, uh,
begging the captain's pardon...
may I make, uh,
a suggestion?
Oh, by all means.
You better pick
another mountain, sir.
That's a very interesting
suggestion. Why?
Well, sir, it's, uh,
like biting into a beehive.
Well, let me put it this way,
lieutenant.
If we don't
get that lease,
my next tour of duty
would be in Greenland.
Oh, that
would be too bad, sir.
Yes, it would.
And guess who would be
my executive officer?
You wouldn't, sir.
Oh, yes, I would.
Well, uh, in that case, uh,
may I make another suggestion?
Well, I hope it's a little
better than the last one.
If I'm gonna
sweet-talk these Tatums
into giving us
that lease, uh...
I better not be in uniform.
Anything from the government
gets shot in the Big Smoky, sir.
I don't care
if you wear a bikini,
just as long as
we get that lease.
Our plane leaves for Tennessee
in 30 minutes.
Let's go.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, sir,
there's this little old gal...
Who's gonna be a little older
by the next time you see her.
Yeah.
Move it, lieutenant.
She's a little old now, sir.
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
The closer and closer
I get to home
The more excited I am
Those were the mornings
I'd roll out of bed
Start the day off
With hot cornbread
Smothered in
Huckleberry jam
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
I can almost hear the hounds
Runnin' through the woods
Close on the trail
Of a hare
How I long to be with them
Followin' the hounds
A-huntin' again
A-getting me
A big old grizzly bear
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
I've traveled around
And met lots of girls
No matter how many I see
I left some pretty ones
Behind
I know back home
Is where I'll find
The girl whose love
Is meant for me
I'm just
A Smokey Mountain boy
Comin' back
To the hills I love
With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind
And the deep blue sky above
Tatum territory, so get.
What does that mean?
Just a neighborly
first warning, sir.
What's the second warning,
a land mine?
Column forward!
Take cover!
Second warning, sir.
What the... is going on?
Sergeant, take a rifle squad
and get those snipers.
Get them with what, sir?
This is no time
to play 20 Questions.
We haven't got any ammunition,
sir.
No ammo?
That's right.
Lieutenant, what happened
to the ammo I requisitioned?
The ammo, sir?
Uh, uh, uh...
Supply, uh,
wouldn't honor it, sir,
because you forgot to sign it.
I see.
And you forgot to bring it back
for me to sign it, eh?
Well, uh, ha-ha,
I don't think we need it, sir.
See, these people
wanna be our friends.
Watch, I'll show you.
Hey...!
That's no way
to start a friendship.
All right,
since you're a mountain expert
and don't need any ammunition...
...shag your tail out there
and make friends
with the natives.
Uh, uh, uh, you mean
you want me to go there?
That's exactly what I mean.
But these people are shooting,
uh, ammo, sir, live ammo.
Now, lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I will, sir.
What's going on?
You'll need a white flag.
- A white flag?
- Yeah.
Where is it?
- Well...
- What is that?
I was, uh, on leave, sir,
when they called me
for this duty.
This will have to do.
I see.
Good luck, lieutenant.
Yeah.
Hold your fire, friends.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Hey.
This is a friendly visit.
There's no reason for shooting.
This is Tatum territory, Yankee.
Now, take your gas buggies
and skedaddle off
of Pappy's mountain.
That's no way
to be greeting kinfolks.
Jodie?
Jodie?
Who's Jodie?
What are you doing
with my face?
Well, that's a right
good question, friend.
What's your name?
What's yours?
I'm, uh, Josh Morgan from
Hidden Rock, North Carolina.
Then you is kinfolk.
My name's Selena Tatum.
That's my sister Azalea.
Howdy. This here's
our cousin Jodie Tatum.
If I'd known you gals
were so downright good-looking,
I'd have been here long ago.
Don't let him sweet-talk you.
He ain't proved
he's kinfolk yet.
Oh, I can prove that too.
My Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia
married a Tatum back in 1907.
See, Jodie.
He is kinfolk.
Practically
kissing cousins.
Uh, to you two gals,
not him.
What you doing up here,
Cousin Josh?
Well, we came up
on a friendly visit
to talk to you folks.
Sort of, uh,
on government business.
Yeah, well, we've seen
them revenuers before.
We sent them back down
with lead
buzzing around their tails.
You hush up, Jodie.
Them was no-account Yankees.
I reckon Pappy and Ma
will be right glad
to meet you, Cousin Josh.
Hezekiah, meet your cousin
Josh Morgan.
Hello there.
Hello, buddy.
That, uh, dog's got a mighty
powerful handshake there.
That wasn't no dog.
That was me.
Jodie, you quit that.
I'm a champion wrestler
of Smoky Mountain.
I ain't taking nobody
to meet Pappy
unless I throw them first.
Well...
Maybe you scared,
Cousin Josh.
Jodie.
That's all right, Selena.
Okay, Jodie,
I'll give you a try.
Pour it on him, Cousin Josh.
Watch out
he don't gouge you.
Go on, get him.
Bite his hand.
Give it to him.
Jodie, come on.
The revenuers are after us.
Give it to him, Josh.
Twist his arm off,
Cousin Josh!
Who's side you on anyway?
Sounds like the lieutenant's
in trouble, captain.
Yeah, fix bayonets.
Fix bayonets!
Okay.
Move them out.
Extended order.
- Deploy your skirmishers.
- Move out!
Come on.
Come on, Josh!
- Get him, Cousin Josh.
- Cousin Josh.
Don't let him
push you around.
Give it to him, Josh.
Don't let him push you around.
Look out there, Josh.
That's it.
Come on.
Watch out, Josh.
Hit him right there!
Selena,
the revenuers are coming.
Come on.
Get up, Jodie. Get up, get up.
The revenuers are after us.
Come on there.
The revenuers are after us.
Come on.
Jodie, stop that fighting!
Hold it!
All right, hold it!
Hold it.
Revenuers.
Hold it.
You're surrounded.
We never had targets
like this in training.
Never mind. Mr. Morgan!
Yes, sir?
What's the meaning of this?
Well, sir, may I present
Selena and Azalea Tatum.
This is Captain Salbo.
Oh, how do you do, ladies?
I'm delighted
to make your acquaintance.
However, I feel
I must warn you
that firing
on the United States Army...
And, uh, this is, uh,
Jodie Tatum,
great-great-grandson
of my, uh, great...
Great-Great-Aunt
Euphrasia Morgan.
I know, I know...
Two of you, eh?
Just what I needed.
Champion wrestler
of the whole mountain.
You wanna wrestle?
Uh, no, thank you,
not at the moment.
Morgan, will you arrange
for these people
to take us
to their leader.
Pappy'd fill you
full of lead
unless he was prepared
for your coming.
Jodie will take you
to the cabin.
Oh, thank you.
I'm sure there'll be room
for you ladies in the jeep.
We'll just soften Pappy up
with Cousin Josh first.
Come on, Cousin Josh.
We're taking the shortcut.
Shortcut?
Hmm.
All right,
lead on, Macduff.
The name's Jodie.
I was just jok...
Put that thing away.
Here, take this.
Let's go.
Come on, Josh.
Hurry up!
Well, here we are.
Yep, here we are.
There are lots of girls
In the mountains
And they're worth
Their weight in gold
When they're in my arms
With their love and charms
A treasure chest I hold
Well, there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
There's such beauty there
In the mountains
You can feel your knees
Growing weak
Every single boy
Feels the height of joy
When he climbs
That mountain peak
Well, there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
I said there's gold
In the mountains
Love in the hills
I don't need
Those city women
With them diamonds
And frills
There's gold
In the mountains
And, oh, what scenery
The prettiest girls
I ever did see
I ever did see
I ever did see
Let's go find Ma.
Ma!
Ma?
Ma!
Ma, where are you?
Ma!
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Ma!
Jodie.
What you done
to your hair?
Where'd you get them clothes?
Why aren't you
doing your chores,
you lazy,
good-for-nothing...?
Ma!
Let me be.
Let me be.
Ma, that ain't Jodie.
It ain't?
No.
It's Josh Morgan.
From Hidden Rock,
North Carolina, ma'am.
Well, how come you is
the spitting image
of my nephew Jodie?
Ha, it's probably
because we're cousins.
Morgan?
Oh, n...
Morgan?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, back in 1907.
That no-account Jubal Tatum,
he married up with a Morgan.
I remember my pa
telling about that.
My Aunt Euphrasia.
Oh, well, welcome
to Smoky Mountain, cousin.
Thank you.
Gals, where's your manners?
Go get that coffee pot boiling.
Come on, cousin.
All right.
You gotta come
in the house with us.
Jodie, you all right?
I'm all right.
Then go pen up them chickens.
Oh, uh, Mrs., uh,
Tatum, I presume?
I'm Captain Salbo.
He's a friend of mine, Ma.
Yes, indeed, and may I say
how pleased I am...
to make your acquaintance,
Mrs. Tatum.
Yeah.
Well, since you're
a friend of Josh's...
I reckon maybe you can
join us inside for coffee.
Ah, thank you, Mrs. Tatum.
Folks round here
call me Ma Tatum.
- That's Ma, Ma.
- Yeah.
I might've known it.
Them Kittyhawks is a-coming.
Kittyhawks?
Are they dangerous?
Oh...
Uh, I don't reckon
they'll bother you none.
Uh-huh.
Here they come.
Hey. Sergeant...
Stop that. Stop that.
Lieutenant Morgan,
do something.
You dang men-starved critters.
Now get.
Come on, get out.
- Get away from those soldiers.
- Get the men in the truck.
Get back in the truck.
How many times
I must tell you Kittyhawks
to get down in your valley?
Get off my land.
Get, get, get.
You get. Get, you hear me?
You hear me? Hear me?
Ma, what's these
government soldiers...?
- Platoon, fall in!
- Just a minute, Pappy.
Fall in? Fall out!
Get out!
Get off my land!
Get off the hill...
Just a minute, Pappy.
We got a surprise for you.
I've got enough surprises
around here
with all these jezebels...
and these Kittyhawks
and these government critters.
- Mr. Tatum...
- Hush up, you.
Jodie?
Jodie, what'd them gals
do to you?
That ain't Jodie.
Well, why ain't it?
That's your cousin
Josh Morgan.
A cousin?
Sure got the sassy face
of a Tatum.
Where'd you get that?
I guess I got it
from old Jubal Tatum.
He ran off
with my great-great-aunt.
Euphrasia Morgan.
Jubal and Euphrasia?
Ha.
Ha, you is welcome, boy.
But now these here
government critters...
Uh, Pappy, uh, uh,
this is Captain Salbo.
He's a good friend of mine.
Government man
a friend of yours?
We came up
to talk business.
Yes. Mr. Tatum, we're here
to discuss the matter of...
Whoa up, you, whoa.
I don't discuss nothing
on an empty belly.
Nothing.
Josh, you wanna
come to chow,
well, we can talk after.
If you want,
you can bring him with you.
Where can we camp?
Uh...
Uh, couldn't they camp
at Porcupine Flats, Pappy?
Porcupine?
On my Porcupine?
It'd just be
for one night, Pappy.
Well, all right, Josh.
Jodie!
No-good troublemaking critter.
Hey, come back here.
I told you to quit messing
around with them Kittyhawks.
Look here, Jodie.
I wasn't doing anything.
Them's awful pretty girls,
Pappy.
So why they
so much trouble?
Them and their kind have been
running around for years...
stirring up the game.
They're looking
for men to marry
who'll give them boy babies,
that's what.
There ain't been nothing
but gals
born in Kittyhawk Valley
in 20 years.
Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Tatum, uh,
thank you very much...
for your dinner invitation
and, uh...
Lieutenant, take over.
Yes, sir.
Pappy, Ma,
thank you very much,
and we'll see you tonight.
Tonight.
Okay, men,
back in the trucks.
Don't you disturb a twig
up there in Porcupine Flats now.
Everything's hooked up
and operational, sir.
All right, sergeant,
that's all.
Thank you, sir.
Lieutenant, get me SAC
headquarters at the Pentagon.
All right.
Big Smoky
calling Big Blue.
Big Smoky
calling Big Blue.
Captain.
Ah, this'll make the big brass
sit up and wag their tails.
Hello, Big Blue.
Captain Salbo
calling General Donford.
Top priority.
Donford speaking.
Yes, Salbo.
You are?
Have any trouble?
Well, sir, we had a little
lively sniper fire at first...
but, uh, I resorted
to my usual diplomacy,
and everything's
under control now.
What's that, lieutenant?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
It was nothing.
Ah. Uh, sorry, sir.
Yes?
Uh, yes, indeed.
Matter of fact...
the lieutenant and I are having
dinner with the Tatums...
at their cabin this evening,
to discuss the lease.
Excellent.
That makes you one day closer
to a Pentagon job, Salbo.
Or six days left for me
to decide where to send you.
Salbo, get that lease.
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant, General Krueger
wants a daily progress report
in triplicate.
How am I supposed
to do that, sir?
How? With a typewriter, paper
and carbon, that's how.
Well, even if we had that stuff,
I'm no typist.
I don't think
anybody else up here is.
All right, tomorrow when you
go down for mail and supplies...
pick up a, uh,
steno clerk and a typewriter.
Right.
And let's hurry up.
We can't keep
the Tatums waiting.
Mm. Something
smells mighty good, Pappy.
The night air brings out
the smell of that sour mash.
What's he doing here, Pappy?
That's Jubal's boy.
They came to eat and talk.
I ain't eating nothing with him
until I done whupped him first.
Any whupping to be done here,
I'm gonna do it,
you're gonna get it.
Ma, you...
Now, you go out there
and eat with them pigs
till you find your manners.
That was pretty, Ma.
You still ain't
lost your touch, ha-ha.
And you is the prettiest girl...
Oh, Pappy.
Oh, Pappy, now stop it, ha-ha.
You're sweet-talking me
all the time.
Well, everybody,
come on and eat now,
before the vittles get cold.
Know something, Cousin Josh?
No, what?
I don't wanna throw nobody,
but I wouldn't mind
getting throwed.
Oh, come on, Azalea.
Madam, words fail me.
Your culinary talents supersede
the most exotic cuisine.
You don't like it?
Oh, no, no, no.
On the contrary.
He means
he'd like some more, Ma.
Oh, well, that's good.
Good, good.
I like to see a young fella
who's a good eater.
I must say,
in all my travels,
I've never tasted
anything quite like it.
- You ain't, never?
- Mm-mm.
Oh, shucks,
it ain't nothing but
possum tails,
owl gizzards and grits...
fried in bear grease.
And then that there gravy,
that's just goat's milk...
with vulture eggs
and mashed catfish eyes.
Uh, the catfish eyes brings out
the flavor of the possum tails.
Excuse me.
I think I forgot something
in my jeep.
Why'd he leave in such a hurry?
Did something come up?
Well, not yet, Mr. Tatum,
but, uh, I think it might.
Smoke, Cousin Josh?
From our own tobacco patch
down by the crick.
Oh, that's mighty good smoking.
Now, uh, Josh...
what's this vital important
talk that you two meant?
What do you want?
You don't look so good.
It must be the mountain air.
Eat your supper.
Uh, Mr. Tatum,
let me explain.
We are a site-activating team
from SAC,
Strategic Air Command...
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You ain't gonna
get no place
unless you start
talking American.
Excuse me, captain,
let me explain.
Please do.
Well, you see, Pappy,
the government...
Uh, whose government?
Ha, the United States
government.
Oh.
They wanna use the top
of this mountain to, uh,
build an ICBM firing base.
BM?
Ballistic missile.
Oh, I see.
That's right, ICBM.
You see BM?
Well, I don't.
Me neither, Pappy.
And I ain't so sure
of what I heard.
Uh... my turn.
Uh, Mr. Tatum, don't you get
the newspapers up here?
Oh, sure. We use them
to patch the holes in the wall.
Your turn.
Hey, Pappy, come here.
Look.
See?
It looks like
somebody's still blowed up...
Now you're getting the idea.
It's not a still though, Pappy.
It's a rocket.
It's like a big bullet
with explosives in the end.
When it hits the target, pow,
that's it.
Pow.
Yeah.
Why they use such a big bullet
just for target practice?
Well, it's part of our
National Defense System.
You know, ICBM.
You see BM too?
How can everybody
see it but me?
I give up.
Pappy, uh, they're not used
for target practice.
They won't be used at all
unless somebody starts a war
against us, see?
Oh, you mean if there's a feud?
Yeah.
Yeah, we, uh,
protect our country,
like you do
against the revenuers.
Oh. I see.
You see BM now too, Pappy?
I think so.
But no gavoom.
Uh, Mr. Tatum, the point is,
our government
is willing to lease
the top of your mountain...
for $500 a month.
Five hundred dollars a month?
But, uh, since yours
is a very special mountain...
the government will raise that
to $1,000 a month,
right, captain?
One thousand dollars?
That's a powerful
hunk of money.
One thousand?
Think of the things we can get.
Just think, we could get
one of them newfangled bathtubs
and purty dresses.
And a new hot-water heater.
That crick gets mighty cold
in the wintertime.
Yeah, maybe one of them
electric-light machines.
Whoa up there, the whole
kit and caboodle of you.
I can't think
with you all bellowing at me.
And not a peep
out of you three.
Well, now, Josh...
...the Tatums
owned this mountain...
for quite a spell.
It was a good way of life,
peaceful and, uh...
Of course, we had a lot of fun
when the revenuers came.
But things don't stand still
anymore, Pappy.
You have to progress.
Progress?
Progress?
You want me to be like
one of them city fellas...
busting a gut to make money
to put new-fandangled doodads...
on female critters?
They is in the grave
when they is 50 years old.
That's right.
Our mountain men
ain't considered in their prime
till they's nudging 90.
Great Scott, man.
The security of our nation
is at stake.
Now, where's your patriotism?
You can bet
I ain't wearing it.
It's here, here, here.
Now, you shag-tail back
to Porcupine Flats.
You get.
But, Mr. Tatum, I...
I got a powerful piece
of thinking to do...
before I turn
this mountain over
to a bunch of
government critters.
Now, you get.
Well, I didn't...
I'll see you
at the base later, captain.
Oh, yeah...
Well, yes. I, uh... Well...
Oh, uh, thank you, ma'am,
for a very unusual supper.
He didn't finish it.
Josh, if it wasn't for you...
I'd have blasted him
and all those Army critters
right off this mountain.
Well, I know
how you feel, Pappy,
but, uh, don't be too hard
on the captain.
He got shot in the head
over in Korea, see?
Aw.
That must've hurt.
That poor half-witted critter.
From now on,
you treat that captain
with love and kindness,
you hear?
Well, I'll study on it.
One boy
Two little girls
Three hearts
Yearning for love
Although it's hard
To explain
I know it may sound insane
But this one boy
Loves two little girls
Folks say
Three is a crowd
To each boy
One girl's allowed
But right now
I'm having such fun
I just can't
Give up either one
'Cause this one boy
Loves two little girls
There will come a time
I'll have to settle down
But until that time
I love two girls
Hanging around
Now, one day
I must decide
Which one
I'll choose for my bride
But till we three must part
I've twice as much love
In my heart
'Cause this one boy
Loves two little girls
I betcha you can't catch me
Unless I let you.
Betcha I can.
Leave her be, Josh.
It does her good
to run around
when she gets that feeling.
I ain't gonna run alone
and leave you here with him.
Now, just a minute, gals.
Uh, look,
we can play games later.
Now, I gotta talk
to both of you.
I need your help.
Oh, anything
we can do, Josh.
We need the top
of this mountain.
It's to protect us all.
Well, I'm willing, but Pappy
and his pappy before him...
have been dead set
against government critters.
They won't bother
you folks at all.
Well, I don't know
if I like that.
I don't mean it like that.
I mean that Porcupine Flats
is far enough away...
that Pappy won't even know
that the base is there.
Hey, there's a lot of mighty
pretty things you could buy...
for a thousand dollars
a month.
We'll just have to
pin him down, Josh.
Oh, speak for yourself,
Azalea.
If we try to
sweet-talk Pappy,
he'll know
and he'll whup us good.
Well, then think of this.
You'll have the whole
United States Army
chasing after you, huh?
Yeah. It might be worth
a whupping at that.
What's that?
It's the Kittyhawks.
Well,
they must've spotted you, Josh.
Come on.
They gone?
Yeah. We must've
fooled them this time.
Yeah, ain't it a shame?
I mean that the Army boys
aren't here.
Oh.
Well, we'll talk to Pappy
for you, Cousin Josh.
Yeah?
No matter how hard he whups us.
And we'll just keep talking
till either him or us gives up.
You don't know
what it means to me, really.
We're having fried squirrel
and cornpone for breakfast
if you'd like to come.
I'd like to,
but the captain's sending me
down to Knoxville
in the morning.
Mountain-style, honey.
Josh! Josh!
What'd I do wrong?
Nothing that I could tell.
Now it's my turn.
I don't know about that.
Josh, please?
Won't you show me
How to kiss?
Put your lips on mine?
Do you do it
Just like this?
Tell me I'm doing fine
We got a good thing
Going now
Take your time
Come on and make it last
Love may be new to you
But, ooh,
I'm catching on fast
Give, give
Give me all you got to give
Love, love
Love every moment you live
Now you've taught me
All you know
Have I passed the test?
Show me all you got to show
Baby, you're the best
But tell me
I've learned quickly
And I know each trick
I'm sure love's gonna last
Love may be new to you
But, ooh,
I'm catching on fast
Can I marry up with y'all?
I can't think
of one reason why not.
Oh, I can.
Selena's oldest, and
she's gotta get married first.
Just have to teach her
how to wrestle,
so she can throw old Jodie.
Hey, lieutenant.
Yeah?
You been swimming?
Oh, you might call it that,
yeah.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Sure beats flying F-84's,
doesn't it?
But it's just as dangerous.
Oh, I don't know.
All depends on
how you wanna die.
Take that little Selena gal,
for instance.
You like that, huh?
Oh, are you kidding?
What's not to like?
I know what you mean,
sergeant.
Sergeant.
Yes, sir?
I'm gonna give you
a new assignment.
You're to, uh, capture the
affections of one Selena Tatum.
When I give an order, sergeant,
I expect you to snap to.
Yes, sir.
Boy, for an assignment
like that,
I gotta get
my snapper fixed.
All right, men,
you have your assignments.
Now, go to work.
Lieutenant,
dismiss the men.
Yes, sir.
Halt. Attention. Dismissed.
All set, lieutenant.
All right, sergeant.
You better gas her up
when you get to the base.
Right, sergeant.
- Hey, Josh, wait for us!
- Josh!
Oh, hey, look,
we got company.
Wait a minute!
Hi.
Can we hitch a ride
to Knoxville with y'all?
Be my pleasure.
Hop in.
We wanna buy them fancy things
you was telling us about.
Yeah, and we got
$6.87 cash money too.
I'd like you to meet
my old friend Sergeant Bailey.
How do you do?
I'll be right back.
Snap to, sergeant.
Yes, sir.
It works.
You know what I thought when I
saw you on the trail yesterday?
I'm a-listening.
I said to myself, "George..."
That's me.
I said, "George, there is,
without a doubt...
the most gorgeous female you've
ever seen in all your life."
Well, keep right on talking,
George, honey.
Baby, you are Cleopatra,
Helen of Troy,
and Marie Antoinette
all rolled up into one.
Well, don't keep talking
about your old girlfriends.
Just talk about me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
So, uh, it's as simple
as this, captain.
The gals are the only ones
that can help us
get that lease from Pappy.
And if a small investment
will keep them on our team,
I think it'd be worth it, sir.
Just what are you getting at,
Morgan?
Look, captain,
they got $6.87.
To them,
that's a big deal.
Now, what can it cost SAC?
Maybe 10, 15 or $20 at the most.
You mean
you want a requisition
for their purchases
in Knoxville?
Yes, sir.
Good thinking, Morgan.
Thank you, sir.
If I'd known
you was coming,
I'd have had Josh
bring you to supper last night.
There'll be other times.
Like tonight, maybe.
Save your money, girls.
The captain has something
to tell you. Captain.
Ladies, all the things you buy
will be with the compliments...
of the Strategic
Air Command.
Ah. Josh, honey.
How about that?
Oh, Josh.
And now, ladies, I suppose
your pappy has decided...
Our pappy
whupped us good.
And then went possum hunting
with Hezekiah.
He's still thinking
about that lease, ain't he?
Him and Hezekiah.
Possum hunting?
This is no time
to go hunting.
Every minute counts.
Now, just a minute.
Selena, remember
what Ma told us.
You gotta treat him
with love and kindness.
Oh, yeah. On account of
his poor, miserable head.
Lieutenant, I'm sure
you'll pardon my curiosity...
but just what is wrong
with my poor, miserable head?
Pappy Tatum was so mad,
he was gonna throw us
off his mountain last night.
Oh, as bad as that, huh?
Well,
I'm sure you'll agree
that the situation called
for drastic measures, sir.
But what has this got to do
with my head?
Well, I explained to them
that the reason
you blew your top...
was, uh, because you got shot
in the head in Korea.
You told them I wa...?
You told them I was nuts?
Uh, drastic measures, sir.
Lieutenant.
Uh, ahem. The girls
are waiting, captain.
- Hey.
- Whoops.
Hello?
Yeah, this is Dixie.
Oh, hello, Mr. Billingsly.
So, what else is new?
They what?
Are they still there?
Where did they go?
The Tatum property?
Big Smoky Mountain?
Thanks, Billingsly.
You've done it again.
If I'm not back by morning,
tell the boss to send help.
Jodie.
Hey, look what we got.
Ooh.
What are you gals doing
in your underwear?
They ain't underwear, Jodie.
Them's bikinis.
Ain't they purty?
They're pretty skimpy.
I just took them into town
so they could buy
a few little things.
They's little enough,
and pretty darn few.
You just wait till Ma
sees you in that stuff.
We bought something nice
for you too, Cousin Jodie.
This is my cousin Jodie.
A few generations removed.
Jodie,
this is PFC Midge Reilly.
Hello there.
Hello. They didn't remove
far enough, did they?
You know,
you're just about as pretty
as a little old speckled pup,
you know that?
Thank you, I think.
Jodie, you come on back here
and see what we brung you.
Lookit, Cousin Jodie, a gun.
I thought
you'd look handsome in this.
And a shirt...
Well, I'll be doggoned.
...with yellow flowers
all over it.
Lookit.
Isn't it purty?
Yeah.
And some striped pants.
Striped pants.
Oh, and a scarf too.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, we want some
purty underwear too.
Well, we brung you some.
But only if you promise
to stay away from our menfolk.
And that means Jodie too.
Oh.
Oh, we'll stay away from him,
but will he
stay away from us?
Yeah.
Well, you promise or not?
Where is they?
They is just willy-washy.
Thank you.
Well, you just go willy-wash
somewheres else.
And don't forget your promise.
Now, you get, all of you.
Hello, girls. I'm Dixie Kay
with the Evening Courier.
Uh...
Excuse me, ma'am.
You see, we're conducting
an experiment.
Oh. Mr. Billings at
the Bon March department store
told me
that the Strategic Air Command
picked up the whole tab
for this shopping tour.
Oh. Well, Cousin Josh
says that's because
the government's
so real big-hearted.
You see, it's an experimental
project, ma'am.
They wanna build a missile base
on top of Pappy's mountain.
Quite an experiment, lieutenant.
Pappy who?
Pappy Tatum.
Our pappy.
Come on, gals,
we gotta get going. Jodie.
Put up this tailgate.
Tell me, lieutenant...
is this a new
government policy
for obtaining land leases?
No comment.
Stand up, girls.
Sit down. We gotta go.
Stand up, girls,
and take a deep breath.
Look, don't take any pictures,
please.
Thank you.
Okay, fellas, lend a hand.
Ah, ah, ah!
Oh, no, you don't.
Any, uh, female PFC
gets special treatment
here at Porcupine Flats.
And I'm, uh, Toby, uh,
your official greeter.
What's your name, honeybun?
PFC Midge Reilly.
Serial number W2-349-687.
The rest is classified
information.
36"- 24"- 36".
36"- 22"- 35".
Sir, this is PFC Reilly.
Ah, yes.
A WAC? Well, lieutenant, didn't
they have any male typists?
There were no male typists
available, sir.
She volunteered
for the job.
Oh. All right,
let's get to work, Reilly.
I have some reports
to send out.
Sir, uh,
about the requisition...
Oh, yes. The requisition.
Our little mountain maidens.
I suppose they purchased
a few charming little trinkets.
Ha-ha, yes,
they certainly did, sir.
Good, good.
Well, let's see what we ha...
Three thousand,
one hundred and...
Lieutenant, I...
Lieutenant!
Lieutenant!
Jodie.
Selena.
Azalea?
Jodie.
Selena.
Where in tarnation are you?
Azalea, why ain't you filled
that hog trough?
Oh, I ain't got time, Ma.
I gotta make myself purty
for Cousin Josh.
Beelzebub and black beetles,
what's going on here?
You forget them city ways,
and get on and get out there
and do your work.
Later, Ma. I'm getting gorgeous
for a certain male critter.
You wouldn't dare
sass your ma
like that if your pappy
was here.
He'd whomp the hide off of you.
And what in tarnation is that?
That's some of
that fancy powder.
I put it on my face.
Well, looks more
like cooking flour to me.
You better not get
near the stove,
you'll break out
in biscuits.
Oh, Ma, leave me alone.
I just wanna be purty.
You'll be purty
when I get through with you.
And just look at you.
Why, that face would scare
a saint out of a thicket.
Now, come on.
Ma!
Come on.
Ma, I've gotta look purty.
Come on, and you too.
You'll look purty
when I get through with you.
Open that door.
There you go.
Now, get.
Ma!
You're gonna get yourself
all mixed up.
Let go! Ma!
Now, come on with me.
But we look so purty.
Ma, you're drowning me!
You're not gonna
go through that
looking like
those ugly city girls.
Come on.
Here, get away from here.
You leave Josh alone.
Now, come on.
Come on. You too.
Get out of there.
You promised to keep
your hands off. Now, get.
Now, get, before we rip
them bikinis right off of you.
I know we promised.
But we just went all willy-washy
when we saw him come driving up.
Well, we'll willy-wash you,
you... Just get.
Get!
Okay, gals, come on.
Get.
Well, if that don't take
the rag off in the bush.
Josh, I hate to do this
to kinfolk,
but with children
full of sass...
neglecting their chores
and stirring up trouble,
I got no choice.
Go back and tell
that Captain Salbo
to pack up his gas buggies...
and hightail it
off our mountain,
and take his presents with him.
Oh, no, you can't do that.
- You can't do that.
- I can and am.
If you'd just listen to my side
of this thing, maybe...
I seen and heard enough.
Nothing will make me
change my decision
unless it's Pappy,
when he gets back.
Here's the mail, captain.
Good work. What took you
so long, sergeant?
I'm sorry, sir,
but the commander at the base
stopped me.
He wanted me to make sure
you saw this.
Oh?
Oh. Oh, no.
Reilly!
Yes, sir?
What's the meaning
of this outrage?
Well, sir...
I'm a stenographer,
not a spy.
And anyway,
I was only a passenger.
Bailey, take the jeep
and bring back Morgan,
dead or alive.
Yes, sir.
On the double.
Lieutenant.
How are you making out
with Selena?
That's not important.
You know you're wanted
dead or alive?
So, what else is new?
Sir.
Sir?
Oh. Good work, sergeant.
It's about time somebody did
something right around here.
That's all.
Yes, sir.
Sit down, lieutenant.
Thank you, sir.
Lieutenant,
I hope I'm not interrupting
one of your
romantic escapades.
Would you mind telling me
what is the meaning of this?
Yeah, well, uh...
Looks like we just got caught,
sir, that's all.
Oh?
Mr. Morgan, Big Smoky
is a top-secret operation.
If Washington hears of this...
I don't think they will, sir.
This is just
a local newspaper.
But if you want something
to worry about, listen.
What's that?
Well, Jodie and the girls
are fussing around
with the clothes
and things they bought...
and they're not
doing their chores.
So?
So Ma got mad and says
that we gotta break camp
and get off
of this mountain.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Big Smoky.
Captain Salbo speaking.
Oh, General Donford.
Yes, sir. Well, I...
It's in the Washington papers?
Well, sir, I can explain.
I...
Yes, sir, but I...
Well, sir, I...
He hung up.
General Donford will be here
tomorrow afternoon.
That's good, sir.
Then I can explain
the whole situation to him.
Morgan,
I've changed my mind.
Greenland will be bad enough
without you
as my executive officer.
I'll have you flying the milk
run to the Arctic Circle!
Ahem.
Dismissed!
Yes, sir.
Reilly!
Yes, sir?
Oh.
Reilly, Mrs. Tatum
has ordered us off the mountain.
The general will be here
tomorrow afternoon.
I want you to take the jeep,
go up and have a little talk
with Mrs. Tatum.
Man to man.
Uh, woman to woman.
Make her change her mind
at all costs.
I'll do my best, sir.
How I long for the days
when all I had
was a war to worry about.
Hello there, you purty
little speckled pup.
Ah! Oh, you let me go,
you possum player.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
You let me by.
I'm on an important mission
for Captain Salbo.
I knew the first time
I laid eyes on you,
that you was meant for me.
You're not for me,
and I'm coming through.
Ain't no need
trying to fight me.
I'm the champion wrestler
of this whole mountain, ma'am.
How about it?
Well...
Well, maybe you're right,
you poor moonstruck ape.
Oh!
I can't conceal
The tender feelin'
Now that you
Are close to me
I look at you
With tender feelin'
And can't help kiss you
Tenderly
I offer you
A true devotion
All life through
My love I vow
For this is real
This sweet emotion
This tender feeling
I have now
Somehow I knew
From the moment
Our lips first met
You'd be the girl
I could never forget
No other love
Could be appealin'
I loved you
Right from the start
And with each kiss
I'll keep revealin'
The tender feelin'
In my heart
You spoiled the whole
dad-blamed thing.
Wait a minute.
Hey, where'd you go?
What...?
Hey. You're gonna get tired
some time.
You might as well just say
you're gonna marry up with me.
Ma?
I hears you.
What?
Well, if we do our chores...
all of them, uh, regular,
would you...?
Nope.
But, Ma, if Josh leaves now,
I may never see him again.
I made my decision.
Hand me that bucket of mash.
It makes no never mind
how we feel, child.
We gotta think of our kinfolk
and what this mountain
means to us.
I, uh...
I just came by
to say goodbye.
Josh, honey, I tried.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
That's the way it goes.
I knowed you was right smitten
with Cousin Josh...
and I think
he is with you too.
But if it's as powerful
as you say...
then you'll find a way.
Pappy and I did.
Hezekiah, where you been?
You look like you was drug
through a mole hole backwards.
Where's Pappy?
Oh, you got lost from him, huh?
Well, come on, come on.
Take me to him.
Come on, come on.
Take me to Pappy.
Oh, that can mean
only one thing.
He ain't only lost,
he's in a passel of trouble.
Oh, what'll I do?
Ma, we heard the howling.
Hezekiah.
What's the matter, Ma?
It's Pappy.
He got himself in
some kind of terrible trouble.
How do you know that?
Hezekiah come back alone.
Come on, Hezekiah.
Come on. Take us to Pappy.
He howls like that
every time you say...
P-A-P-P-Y.
He ain't trying to lead us,
that means something bad's
happened all right.
Don't cry, Ma.
I'll get you some men,
and we'll search this mountain
until we find Pa...
P-A-P-P-Y.
Oh, you is real fine kinfolk,
Josh.
And I is powerful ashamed
for treating you
so downright shameful.
That's all right, Ma.
That's all right.
You'll never get away from me.
So you might as well
stop running.
Come on,
why don't you give up?
I can't go any further.
Come here,
you little speckled pup. Huh?
Jodie,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Jodie, let go
of that little critter.
Oh, Mrs. Tatum,
I've been looking for you.
Yeah? You got a mite
sidetracked there,
didn't you,
little one?
Men.
Men.
Magpie calling Blue Quail.
Magpie to Blue Quail.
Magpie to Blue Quail.
Come in, Blue Quail.
Blue Quail receiving, over.
You mean you lost
your whole squad, captain?
That's what I said.
Good grief,
mine's missing too.
It's them
durn Kittyhawks.
And they never give
their men critters back
unless they's worthless.
Stay where you are, captain.
I'll be right there.
We got here
just as soon as we could.
Well, where's Morgan?
Josh!
They got him too.
Oh, fine.
We can't find Pappy,
my men have been kidnapped...
the general's
due here any minute,
and it's a cinch
I'll never see my wife again.
Well, they just gotta be
around here somewheres close.
Come on, captain,
we'll find them.
Come in, Morgan.
Come in, Morgan.
Come in, Morgan.
Okay, gals.
Take it easy just a minute.
Oh, look. Look, you gotta
let me and my men go.
Who wants to be liberated,
lieutenant?
Not you, that's for sure.
Look, you wanna keep soldiers
on this mountain?
All them and you too,
you big handsome critter.
Relax and enjoy it, lieutenant.
How can I relax when
the general's on his way?
- He's what?
- Oh, no. It can't be.
If we don't find Pappy,
we'll get kicked
off this mountain.
- We can't let that happen.
- No.
It ain't likely
you'll find Pappy
before that general
gets here...
so maybe we just better
make sure he don't.
Well, that should give us ti...
Don't what?
Get here.
You can't do that
to a general in the Army.
Why, we ain't
gonna hurt him.
It doesn't matter if
they stall him for just a while.
Okay, but no rough stuff.
You just tell us
when to quit.
What the...? What...?
Hey, hey, hey, what...?
There you are,
you deserters, you.
I'll have you all
court-martialed for this.
It wasn't their fault, captain.
It's them dang Kittyhawks.
Oh, those...
All right.
All right, fall in!
Single file!
Come on, girls.
Magpie to Blue Quail,
come in.
Magpie to Blue Quail,
come in.
Blue Quail to Magpie, over.
Where the blazes are you?
And what's happened?
Everything's under control.
The Kittyhawks will delay
the general till we find Pappy.
Ah, good.
Get over fast...
so we can
consolidate the search,
and let's not waste any time...
What took you so long?
I got here
as soon as I could.
Oh, good.
Something you critters want?
Why, yes, miss.
We're trying to get
to Porcupine Flats.
Oh, well, flash flood
washed out the road above.
Y'all will have to loop around
by Kittyhawk Valley.
And how far is that?
Oh, about two whoops
and a holler.
Looks as if we fly it
seat-of-pants.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, miss.
Pappy
Pappy
P-A-P-P-Y
Won't you please come home?
The chickens won't lay
All night the hounds bay
There's blues in the bees'
Honeycomb
Everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy, won't you please
Come home?
Your jug and spittoon
Just sit in your room
The still is as dry
As a bone
Everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy, won't you please
Come home?
Oh, how we miss
The corncob pipe
A-puffin' away
In your face
Now that the shack
Is clear of smoke
We can't stand the sight
Of the place
Please come back to us
You ornery old cuss
We loves you
Wherever you roam
Oh everything's different
Since you went away
Pappy won't you please
Come home?
Any luck, Jodie?
Not a bit.
How's Ma?
She's grieving pretty bad,
but she made you some coffee.
Coffee?
I don't want coffee.
I could stand some of that
Mountain Maiden's Breath.
She sent some of that too.
Oh, good.
Here you are, sir.
Thank you. Well...
Josh.
Josh.
- That sounds like Pappy.
- Josh.
It sounds like it's coming
from Howling Devil's Gorge.
Yeah, come on,
let's go.
Here.
- Here.
- Let's go, men.
- Watch it.
- Unh.
Josh. Josh.
Pappy, what you doing up there?
I'm telling myself stories.
Nothing else to do up here.
How'd you get up there, Pappy?
A goldarn brown bear
treed me, Josh.
And I scrambled up the tree,
and I got caught
on this branch.
Oh, Josh, that branch
ain't gonna hold much longer.
Don't worry,
the Army will get him down.
Try not to move.
I'm gonna come and get you.
Give me the rope.
Josh, you be careful.
Bailey,
throw a rope over that limb.
Yes, sir.
Don't shake the tree, Josh.
Josh?
Is that you, Josh?
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, that's you.
Just take it easy, Pappy.
All right, Josh,
all right.
I trust you.
Put this rope
around your waist.
Hand it back.
First time
I ever trusted the Army.
Josh, don't tickle me now.
I'll have you down
in just a few seconds.
All right.
The tree's shaking.
Oh. Josh, Josh.
Josh. Oops, Josh.
Oops, oops!
Don't move, Pappy.
I'm not gonna look down again.
Here's another rope.
Here, I got it.
Hand it back to me.
I hand it back to you, Josh.
All right,
anchor the rope.
Yes, sir.
Um, tie it around him.
Oh, Josh, don't tickle me.
I'm scared,
but I'm ticklish.
Just keep talking to me, son.
All right.
Josh, be careful.
Don't worry, the lieutenant
knows what he's doing.
Oh, Josh.
Uh, lieutenant,
what are you doing?
Just hang on, Pappy.
I'm tying it up, boys.
Culdain, back up.
- Where is you, Josh?
- I'm right here.
Okay.
Hang on, Pappy.
Am I set just yet?
All right,
don't go too far, Josh.
If I live, Josh...
- Josh.
- That's it.
Pull up on the top rope.
Yeah.
Josh. Josh.
Hold it. That's it.
Raise the top rope.
You there, Josh? Josh?
I'm here.
Take it easy, Pappy.
Okay.
Okay. All right,
now, start pulling.
Let's pull him in.
All right.
Ease up a little.
Josh.
Josh, Josh.
Josh, you got me?
We got you.
Oh, Josh.
Yeah, we got you, Pappy.
You got me?
Yep.
Consarn your hide, Pappy.
You like to scare us to death.
Yeah.
We thought you was
a goner for sure.
Hey, Pappy, this calls
for a celebration, don't it?
You're darn right, it do.
Uh, but, Mr. Tatum, uh,
General Donford
is on his way here now...
and we haven't settled
about the lease.
I have no time to talk about
that there kind of foolishness.
We're gonna have the
goldangdest party you ever saw.
We're gonna have
the biggest one
since Ma
discovered the recipe...
for the Mountain Maiden's
Breath.
- General.
- Hmm?
It seems like
we've been here before.
Yes, there is something vaguely
familiar about the topography.
The what?
Oh, never mind,
never mind.
What happened, fellas?
Miss, we're still looking
for Porcupine Flats.
Oh, well, since you're
such persistent critters...
I'll show you
a real shortcut.
Right down there.
Ah, all right, lieutenant.
Here we go again.
Yes, sir.
Have I heard right, Pappy?
You getting rid
of all your children
in one fell swoop?
You heard right,
Hairy Willie.
We ain't getting rid of them.
We is gaining three more,
two fellas and a gal.
Oh, that's right, Ma.
Three and three is...
Oh, that's just the beginning.
Well, we got
a heap of toasting to do
before the night's over.
Well, drink up, Willie.
Drink up.
Stop feeding your face, Jodie,
and go out there
and liven things up a bit.
Yes, ma'am.
That's it. Go on, boy.
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Give me
A honky-tonky fiddle
With a guitar
In the middle of the melody
Bubblin' like a fountain
Swinging out
On Smoky Mountain
Barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe
And the two toe's connected
To the three toe
And the three toe's connected
To the four toe
And the four toe's connected
To the five toe
And the five toe
That's a live toe
And away we go
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?
'Cause when I
Kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off
With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong
Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe
And the two toe's connected
To the three toe
And the three toe's connected
To the four toe
And the four toe's connected
To the five toe
And the five toe
That's a live toe
What's a live toe?
That's a jive toe
What's a jive toe?
That's a drive toe
Away we go
I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad
Won't you play for me...?
Play for who?
Play for him
Play for her
A barefoot ballad song
Well, captain,
we got a passel of reasons
to do some celebrating, ha-ha.
Well, Mr. Tatum,
there's only one thing
that'll give me cause
for celebrating.
And that is if
you'll consent to...
Whoa, whoa!
Hold up there.
Don't talk about that there
kind of thing now.
We'll do some
raising some ruckus.
We'll have rooting,
tooting and boozing.
Yes. Pappy will make up his mind
when he's good and ready.
Tonight.
You come on with me
and have some of my Mountain
Maiden's Breath.
That'll perk up your spirits.
Well, I'd be delighted.
I'd...
Welcome to the Tatum family,
Josh.
Thank you, Pappy.
But what else could I do?
What?
I mean, uh, uh, well,
she's about the prettiest thing
I ever seen...
so, uh, why keep looking,
huh?
Let me give you
some advice, Josh.
You only got one life to live...
and life can be rough...
but if you live it
every day all the way...
once is enough.
You can own
Just one suit
Worn and torn
At the cuff
But if you're living
The life that you love
Once is enough
What's the good
Of reaching 90
If you waste 89?
You got one life,
So live it
If you don't,
It's a crime
Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
Never wait until tomorrow
What if it never comes?
Life is a seven-layer
Don't you settle for crumbs
Life's a playful puppy
You can grab by the scruff
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
And if you live every sec
What the heck?
Once is enough
Hey, Cousin Josh.
You know, you sing
pretty good for a city fella.
Thank you, Jodie.
Well, I'm beginning to believe
these Tatums don't exist.
Glug, glug, glug.
Listen, sir.
Glug, glug, glug.
Follow that sound.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
And you want me
to give up this life
for a miserable
missile base?
Here, captain,
you're next.
Well...
I might as well go this way,
as to freeze to death
in Greenland.
Glug, glug, glug...
We haven't got much time,
honey.
The general's gonna be here
any minute.
If Pappy's too limp
to talk to him,
I don't know
what's gonna happen.
Well, we'll just go ask Ma.
She'll know what to do.
Glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug.
All right, men, pick him up
and carry him over there.
And nobody
light a match near him.
Let's have a little music.
Let's have a little party.
Oh, my, my,
ain't it a nice party?
Ma, ain't Pappy ready yet?
Pappy's always ready.
What for?
Oh, for the talking?
Oh, now, look out there.
He's having such a nice time.
It was supposed to be
a wedding party, Ma.
It could be a going-away party
for all of us.
You're right, you're right.
Now's the time.
Pappy. Pappy.
Jodie.
Jodie.
Yeah, Ma?
Bring Pappy here.
All right.
Jodie, put me down.
Put me down, Jodie.
Put me down.
I was just beginning to warm up.
You put me down.
I was just beginning
to get warmed up.
Here he is, Ma.
Pappy, it's time
for the talk.
I ain't ready yet.
Just a minute, Pappy.
Oh, yes, you are.
No, I ain't.
Where's Captain Salbo?
Captain Salbo?
Ha-ha. Hey, Captain Salbo,
he's laid out over there.
He's as cold
as a well-digger's shovel.
Azalea, you and Jodie better
find him and sober him up...
before the general gets here.
He's in enough trouble
as it is.
Here's the checkers
and board.
All right, Josh,
but you better
make it be good now.
I think we better
go find Captain Salbo.
Ah, good night, dear.
I love you too.
He's over here by the hog pen.
- Oh, boy.
- Captain.
Captain, wake up.
Wake up, captain.
Wake up.
Yes, general.
Captain, come on.
Troop, fall in!
Attention!
Captain Salbo.
Oh, look at him.
I was wondering
when you was gonna get here.
We've been wandering
for six hours.
Captain Salbo.
Uh, general, sir,
I'd like to present,
uh, Miss Selena Tatum...
and Miss Azalea Tatum,
and this is Jodie Tatum, sir.
How do you do?
It looks like
you took the wrong turn.
Captain Salbo,
where is Mr. Tatum?
Howdy, howdy, general.
I'm Ma Tatum.
Hey, you've done missed
half the fun.
Yes, but we're not here
for fun.
- Captain Salbo...
- Gals, gals.
Why don't you
take the general
for some liquor and vittles?
You must be hungry as a bear
with his throat cut.
Salbo...!
No,
don't bother the captain now.
He's headed for
a big conflab with Pappy.
As you were, men.
You see, Pappy...
if the Army
builds its own road
on the other side
of the mountain...
the traffic to the missile base
won't bother you at all.
Crown my king.
Crown my king.
But the missiles
and the gas buggies...
they'll whomp the daylights
out of the hunting.
Captain, wake up.
Captain.
Jodie, you better
give him another jolt.
All right.
Ma always said you're supposed
to fight fire with fire...
but looks like he's
pretty well burned out already.
Captain, wake up.
Please, sir. Captain, sir.
Yes, sir, general.
I'm ready to take my medicine.
Greenland can't be any rougher
than Big Smoky.
You better come on, captain.
The general's here right now.
Come on, captain.
Get up.
Attaboy. Yes, sir.
There you go.
I'm all right, men.
I'm all right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Have some more
Maiden's Breath, general?
Mm-mm, thank you.
And some more
pickled possum tails.
Captain just loves them.
Uh...
Why, thank you.
When do you think this
conference will end, Mrs. Tatum?
Oh, well,
that's hard to tell, general.
I've known Pappy
to stay up there over a week
when he's undecided.
A week.
I'm sorry, son.
Pappy, just think...
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I can't see letting my mountain
get discombobulated...
with a lot of
government critters
and a lot of, uh,
machinery...
and a lot of noise.
And a lot of...
Just think of the improvements,
Pappy.
Oh, Mr. Tatum.
Mr. Tatum, what about the lease?
I can't do anything
about it.
Well, why not?
If it weren't for them,
well, we wouldn't have found
the gals we was gonna marry.
You's gonna marry?
I can't do nothing about that.
Pappy.
Come on, captain.
Lieutenant, what happened?
What happened?
I was counting on you.
I'm sorry.
I just ran out of persuading.
But the general is here.
Do you know what this means?
Greenland.
I know, captain.
I used every argument that...
I didn't use every argument.
Just a minute, captain.
Here.
Wha...? Here.
Pappy.
Josh,
don't you know enough
not to try to turn me around
once I made up my mind?
Oh, general,
it don't look so good.
It don't?
Uh, it doesn't?
Hey, Pappy, listen...
Whoopee!
Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place?
Oh, Josh.
Mr. Tatum.
Guess what, captain.
What?
We made it.
We made it?
Didn't we?
Ma, we...
Attention!
As you were.
Sir.
May I present
Lieutenant Morgan.
Sir.
Yes.
I recognize him from his picture
in the gazette.
General,
this is Pappy Tatum.
- Mr. Tatum.
- Tell him, Pappy.
General, uh,
I'll sign that there lease...
if, uh, uh...
Josh, you tell them
what you done promised me.
It's just, uh, three small
provisions, sir.
Number one, he receive
$1,000 a month for the land.
Good price.
Whose side you on, lieutenant?
He's with
the United States Army.
And, uh, number two,
that the Army engineers
build a private road...
on the other side
of the mountain.
A new and direct route
to Porcupine Flats?
I'll be glad to agree to that,
lieutenant.
And then I promised him
a military patrol...
to see that no government
personnel trespass...
on this side
of Big Smoky Mountain.
I'll agree to that.
It's a deal, Mr. Tatum.
The military police patrol
can also protect
the government personnel...
from the mountain maidens.
Well done, captain.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, uh, lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
Uh, just what did you
tell Mr. Tatum
that made him
change his mind?
Just that all
government personnel
would be kept off this side
of the mountain.
Well, why did you tell him
a thing like that?
Sir, revenuers are government
personnel, aren't they?
Yes, I...
Oh, yeah.
Well, I've got a gal
She's as cute as she can be
She's a distant cousin
But she's not
Too distant with me
We kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it
All right
All right,
All right, all right
Oh, I've got a gal
And she taught me how to live
She can give a lot
And she's got a lot to give
We kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it
All right
All right, all right,
All right
Yeah, we're all cousins
That's what I believe
Because we're children
Of Adam and Eve
I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love
That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of
We'll kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I'll squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
We'll be kissin' cousins
And that'll make it
All right
All right, all right,
All right
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
Yeah, we're all cousins
That's what I believe
'Cause we're all children
Of Adam and Eve
Now, I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love
That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of
We'll kiss
ALL: We kiss
All night
ALL: All night
I'll squeeze
ALL: I'll squeeze
Her tight
ALL: Her tight
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right
All right,
All right, all right
Cousins
Kissin' cousins
Kissin's allowed
'Cos we're proud
To be cousins
What's a little teasin'
Huggin' and a-squeezin'
Between us cousins